KILL TONY - #551 - JOSH BARNETT

Episode Date: April 2, 2022

Josh Barnett, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/28/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony HinchCliff. Fuck yeah, Austin. You ready to do this fucking shit tonight or what, huh? Yippee! Brian Red Band's here everybody. Hey guys. How about a hand for the band

ladies and gentlemen? Am I right? Wow. That's the great Matt Mueling on guitar, everyone. That is Dee Watts on the drums. John Dees on the keyboard and our good friend Dee Madness here on the bass guitar, everybody. Brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey. That is the Kill Tony band. You are at Kill Tony, an official live taping here in Austin. Brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. They're here also brought to you by White Claw and Red Bull and the W Hotel where now if you stay on a Sunday or Monday night, use the promo code Kill Tony and save 25% off

your stay. How fucking cool is that of the W Hotel? What a wild bond that is. Kill Tony and the W. There's a lot of more amazing sponsors. Here's a little bit more about them. Hey y'all, I'm back out on tour doing stand-up comedy. Come see me live in your city or around your city. April 8th and 9th, I'll be in Philadelphia. April 21st to the 23rd, come see me in Miami. May 5th through May 7th, Phoenix, Arizona. I'm back with you. And May 20th and 21st, I'm back in Salt Lake City, Utah, a place with an unbelievably great sense of humor. So come out, see me on tour and maybe I'll give you a high five or I'll spit in

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episode or what? Austin, it's Monday night. There's literally nowhere better you can be. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? All right. Tonight's guests, one of my favorite human beings is the return of one of our favorite guests of all time, ladies and gentlemen from Los Angeles, California. This guy joined us at the comedy store. He's one of the greatest fighters of all time, everybody, the youngest ever champion in UFC history. Make some noise for our very good friend, the great Josh Barnett, everybody. Oh,

yes. Powerful. Wow. How exciting is this? Yeah. Bloodsport. Warbringer Bourbon. Powerful. Josh Barnett.

Hell yeah. Wow. Give it up for the house band. I know that wish.com version of Bullthrower. I like it. Josh, welcome. Ever since it's become cool to slap comedians, I've decided I'm exclusively booking UFC stars to be guests with me. Yeah. No doubt about it. Yeah. Try me, bitches. I know your girls have worse things than Alopecia. You know what I'm talking about? But that ain't happening tonight. Anybody tries to fuck with me. Josh Barnett is here. That's right. That's right. Although I'm afraid of getting stuck with any

dirty needles or anything like that. Yeah, it is. This is, you are visiting Austin. It is wild. It feels like home. Yeah, this is, I always say, I always say 16 years in LA. I moved here for this. I got away from all those liberal fucking smart asses just to live here with a bunch of liberal dumbasses. It's Austin. I realized it's not, I try to dress up and be more Texas, but the truth is I'm just trying to run from West Hollywood and I can't get away from it. Anyway, we're going to have fun tonight. Josh, you've done the show before. A bunch

of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. You know, there's 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Oh, it's the angry West Hollywood bear will come out. Oh my goodness. It's so loud and aggressive and annoying. And then I interview the people for a few minutes afterwards. We find out more about them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start the show? Your first comedian doing 60 seconds today is a regular on this show. Since getting the role of writing and performing a brand new minute every

single week, he's had the chance to open up for Joe Rogan and me on a regular basis. This guy is making a living as a comedian. This is a brand new minute from the great and powerful Hans Kim, everyone. Hey, I don't understand why Will Smith is so insecure about his wife's physical appearance. I mean, if she wasn't hot, we wouldn't have all fucked her already. I'm Tuesdays at four. He's like, keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth. That's where her pussy goes. Are you supposed to make her come if you're talking so much?

Chris Rock should have been like, no, I wasn't trying to make fun of her. I was just trying to fuck your wife. I think the real victim in all this is Demi Moore. Who knew that Will Smith hated? Holy shit, Demi Moore is up there right now. Uh, who knew that Will Smith hated G.I. Jane so much? Maybe you should have said V for Vendetta. Thank you guys. Wow, exactly one minute. The autism in full effect here this evening. The great Hans Kim covering a brand new topical stuff from last night. Look at you. Who

would ever guess that we'd live in a world where you could talk shit about Will Smith like that, you know what I mean? And get a get a applause for it. Yeah, yeah, it's incredible. I thought it was funnier because I could never have sex with Jada Pinkett Smith. So I think he probably could. I think you should. Yeah, I think I think it's not quite as hard as we think. Didn't she fuck a kid like her like her own kid's friend or something like that? Something like that, right? Do you know the details, Hans? Yeah, he was 18. Wow, friends with her. She found an all whole new fresh prince.

You know, if you got a trapper keeper, you could probably pass for a kid. Yeah, exactly. 100% the fresh prince of South Korea over here. Hell yeah. Hans, were you watching that? What's your take on that? I don't think you should hit people. I think you should talk it out. You know, if he says something offensive, just be like, shake your head. You ever slap anyone or been slapped, Hans? I did punch a guy for throwing his burrito at me in New York. Whoa, was it because it was a terrible New York burrito or was it because it was aimed at you?

Yeah, he was expecting Chinese food and I gave him a burrito. Oh, shit. You sold him the burrito? You worked at the burrito place? No, he was just eating a burrito and he was looking at me. I looked back and he was like, what are you looking at? And I was like, fuck you. Wow, look at you. What a badass you are, Hans. Thanks. Such a nerd. You have some deep hidden John Wick energies underneath there. He's very, very confident somehow. Where do you think you get your confidence from? Um, just the knowledge that physical altercations rarely happen. That's sort of, so you're basically hedging your bets.

I'm probably not going to get this shit kicked out of me right now, so fuck your mom. Hans, I'm always interested in keeping up with your love life. What's the weekly update here? You went from no action to getting booked on the show weekly and then all of a sudden your wildest dreams started coming true. I love hearing about it. It's been amazing. I hung out with four women, got a couple kisses, got a couple, you know, dry humping. Whoa, he's moving quickly. Hell yeah. But no sex except for my steady, the Ukrainian woman. She's keeping me down, holding me down, you know, mad props. Slava Ukraine, someone's got to do that. Yeah, they're beautiful people. I support them fully. Under their legs, you know, under the stomach. Have you been sleeping with

her regularly? Yeah, like probably two or three times a week. And that's this week too? Yes. And you hooked up and you hung out with four other girls. How do you have this kind of time while also performing so much stand-up comedy? It's crazy what happens when you don't have a job and when Tony Hinchcliffe and Joe Rogan give you $100 bills regularly. God damn right. We expect that you to pay those bills by the way that we've been getting. That's so stupid. Those are loans. Hans, anything else crazy happened this week in your life? Everything good? I went to my friend's house to play a little game of Settlers of Catan and his, yes, and then his dog. I knew there was dorks in this room.

Go ahead, Hans. What's up, Kim Sells? I went to his house and then his dog actually bit me on the leg. Oh, shit. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, huh? The teacher has become the student and the student has become the teacher. Taste of your own medicine. Yeah. Your people went from biting into dogs and now they're biting into you. They actually have the dog. We have him zooming in right now to the podcast. He's very disappointed that you're talking shit about him. All right. How did this happen, Hans? What happened? I was like, hey, I'm coming in 15 minutes, but I was right outside their house and then... Wait, you called the dog on the phone? All right. Obviously, you guys didn't smoke the same strand as wheat. Wait, there we go. Okay, very good. Thank you. Hello, or is anyone there?

Okay. So you called 15 minutes, but you were there and then what happened? And then I opened the door. I knocked open the door and then he was like nipping at my hand and I was like, oh, I was like putting out really nervous energies, I guess. Yeah. And then I walked in and I was like getting this blanket off the floor and then he like, arc. And then... Wow. What'd you do? I was like, oh, that hurt. And then some girl was like... You turned into a gay man when you got bit by this dog? All of a sudden you were attracted to dudes? Oh, God, my ankle. Existates left even. I'm just surprised that you're over there playing Dungeons and Dragons. You didn't make a savings throw or something. So yeah, I knew that was going to land. I love it. All right, Hans. Well, a brand new

minute. You did it again. Very, very good. You're just a fucking machine. Everybody loves you. Anything else? Minus the dog. I'm happy to be here with Josh Barnett. I love you and... There you go. Look at that. That's respect right there. Aim higher. That is my advice to you. I'm just really thankful and I thank you so much. You'll pay for it later, but thanks. There he goes. The great Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you. To the bucket we go. This show begins now when we meet a complete stranger. Always exciting. Anything can happen.

You're first comedian out of the bucket tonight. We know this young lady. She goes by the name of Christina Mariani, everybody. Here we go. Christina Mariani. We have movement. Okay. Here she comes, everybody. From deep in the upstairs all the way down to big building here. One more time for Christina Mariani, everyone. Hi. I haven't had sex in a while, but I've had a lot of really good food, which is almost the same because both activities make me moan and afterwards I go vomit. It got pretty awkward the other night because I brought home

a really good burger and the next day my housemate asked if I had an overnight guest and I felt too awkward telling her I was making sex noises to fast food. So I was like, maybe. And she was like, no, come on. Who's the guy? And I was like, well, actually it was five guys. Okay. Thank you. Absolutely. That laugh lasted exactly as long as you thought it would. Christina Mariani, welcome back to the show. Hi, thank you. How are you? Always funny you are, huh? Oh, thank you. Okay, very good. Wow. Where do you get your confidence from? I don't know. My mom. I love it. I like to think that this is what Chris Rock is like today.

Is everybody okay? I was thinking it was more like the emo Phillips books on tape. The more emotional emo Phillips. I love it. Christina Mariani. So what's been happening in life? Um, you know, I went to a wedding and my ex-boyfriend was there with this new girlfriend. So it was fine. I just didn't, you couldn't bring a plus one. I was told. I think they lied to me. But it was fine. Would this really happen? Yeah, it just happened just the other day. Wow. Where was this wedding at? In Arizona. In Arizona. So these are like mutual friends of you and your ex, right? Yeah. And, uh, you're both there. Did you guys make eye contact at all? We were sitting at the same table. Oh my God. Oh, dear God, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's, it was okay.

It wasn't too bad. It just, that's a more awkward table than the one that Jada Pingott and Will Smith sat out last night at the Oscars. Let's see how many of these I could do. We might have to release this one this week, two weeks that goes next week. Okay. How do you, like, how do you both know the the bride and groom? Like, did it, was it his friends or your friends or just complete college? We dated in college. And so, um, he was his friend first, but then I ended up living with them after. So that's how we kind of all know each other. Wow. Did you wear backwards jeans to the wedding as well? I'm very rarely do people have the courage to wear their jeans backwards. I'm wondering if that was before. I have to check. I had to make sure. I don't know. Right. Did, uh, did the, did

you notice that his new girlfriend was, uh, giving you the evil eye or perhaps trying to be nice? Was there any plan of attack there or any communication? Um, no, I just, uh, I tried to say hi and he kind of just like pulled her away and left. So it's like, Oh God, no, I guess I can't do that. You are so awkward. It is incredible. I love it. This is wild. Christina is like every, uh, girl in the romcom that takes off her glasses at the end and like finds herself, you know what I mean? It's like so nerdy. What's not nerdy about you? What's like some of the cooler things that you're into or that you do? Well, what do you think is cool? Can you take, can you take off your glasses slowly? No, red band, red band, red band, don't do that to her.

Wait, will you do it though? Would you do it for us? No, you won't. Just for, I feel super awkward. You get more awkward if you take the glasses off. What happens? What exactly happens that makes you more awkward? I don't know. I don't want to find out. They never leave her face. I can't take my glasses off. I might get more awkward. That's incredible. Why do you think you're so like shy and whatever that is? I feel like I've gotten better. She has, she's shaking way less than when she first came on. Yeah.

Making strides. Yeah, we are. We're making improvements here. You're pretty good, honestly. Tony Robbins, here we come. So, uh, Cristina, uh, yeah, Cristina, how about stand up around here? You've been single for how long now? Uh, like a while. Right. Yeah, but by choice, I think. Uh-huh. Do you get hit on a lot? I'd imagine because you're out there on the open mic scene and there's just tons of people everywhere, every single night. You see a lot of the same people do. A lot of these comedians hit on you. I'd imagine because they do. They shoot their shots a lot is what we know. Do they shoot their shots with you? Seems like they would. They're nice. Right. They ever ask you if you need any

help writing some afternoon or anything like that? No, they want to write together. I don't know what, but not help writing. I don't, I, um, refunded someone yesterday because, uh, I didn't want to write their dick pic. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Explain to us what you're talking about. Well, I got a message on Instagram and they were like, I'll give you $50 if you rate me. And I didn't know that it meant his penis. So what were you rating? I thought maybe like a picture of him or just like, Oh, you look good. Like eight out of 10. I don't know. And then he sent you a picture of his penis, which you weren't expecting. He paid me and then he sent me a picture of his penis. And so I was like, I'm sorry. I can't do this. So then I returned the $50. Oh my goodness. Tony,

can we take a look at this photo and rate it for you? I blocked him after that. I don't know if I have it still. Right. Uh, but you did see the picture. Unfortunately. And you have seen penises before. Just out of curiosity, even though you're not getting paid for it, what would you have rated it? On a one to a one to a hundred. Let's do because then we get an even more defined set of one to 10. Let's do one to a hundred. Let's do it. How it affected me. You know what? You know what 101. Wow. Yeah, I can't imagine how awkward you must have been after that happened. That's an interesting one. Is there any times where your awkwardness gets you into trouble or your shyness?

Anytime you didn't say something. Maybe there. That story was kind of one, but it wasn't like too bad because it was online. I guess. I don't know. I can't think of anything off the top of my head right now. Right. Absolutely. All right, Christina. But yeah. All right. Christina, you hear Thursday. I would love to have you on the secret show. Whoa. There you go. Look at that. Christina Mariani, everybody. There she goes. On to the next one. She's already got a book, right? Probably. Okay. Back to the buckle. Let's get another one up here. JC Madison is next on Kill Tony. JC Madison. Here she is, everybody. One more time for JC Madison.

Thanks, guys. So my husband just celebrated his 40th birthday. I thought it'd be nice to book him an orgy birthday party. I didn't think anyone would come. We've been trying to spice things up in the bedroom lately, so we tried pepper spray. It led into blind role play. Kind of nice. It was cool. Yeah. So I'm left-handed, guys. I'm left-handed, and it means that God hates me, but I can give a really good reverse hand job. It's really weird, though. I have to, like, specially order stuff. I had to order a special pair of scissors just to stab my husband. Yeah. It sucked. It's fucking expensive, guys.

And the forensic people definitely knew it was me because of the blood spatter patterns, you know. All right. That's it. Thank you. JC Madison making her Kill Tony debut. Am I correct? Your first time here? No. Actually, we were here for the Valentine's Day show. Okay. A couple, you know, months ago. Yeah, no. I know when Valentine's Day is. Good. You performed on that show? I didn't. Actually, my husband Chris did. Chris Walker. He came up. He performed. We're in a band called Tink Top. That's right. You guys were on the show in Miami. Yes. That's right. Yes, we were. We did. We were in the Miami show. It was a lot of fun. Very good. Absolutely. Yeah. So that was fun. Uh-huh. JC, how long have you been doing stand-up?

What the fuck did you just do up here tonight? Fuck. It was bad. It was bad. I've been attempting. Congratulations on being one of the three hosts of the Oscars last night, by the way. That's so cool that. Thank you. I'm still working out some of that. I'm just glad I didn't get slapped in the face. You did tonight. Oh, I know. This audience unified. I know. Turned into one big Will Smith Megatron over here and slapped the shit out of you with the saddest thing you want to be slapped with. The only thing harder than a hand is the truth. You know what I'm saying, everybody? It's true. Yeah. It's true. It felt good, though. I like a little slap, you know? Okey-dokey. Don't know what that means, but you are about as funny as cancer. Has anyone ever

told you that before? Thank you. I feel like I'm benign, though, you know? I don't think there's anything nine about you whatsoever. I love it. Benign. Maybe B2. JC, what do you do for a living? So I actually got a new job last year. Okay. I'm a dental technician now. Wow. Yeah. So I make dentures. Yeah. It's not exciting. Okay. Yeah. So I make dentures, and I digitally, I like 3D print nightguards and stuff like that. So it's a big industry in Florida because of all of the meth heads. Gotcha. I see. And they can afford dentures? Well, with insurance. When you're doing dental tech, do you tell people to stop eating candy and give it all to you? Yes. Yeah. JC, when you're not playing music, what do you do for fun other than the band that you're in? What do you do in the band again?

So I sing and I play guitar. I write songs for our band. Okay. And I'm also in a 90s cover band. I play bass. What cover band is it? So it's called the Smashing Pixies. We're super nerdy. We basically just cover, we just cover the Smashing Punkskins. Wow. The Smashing Pumpkins and the Pixies. Yeah. That sounds very depressing. It is. Yeah. You really, you don't want to see the people who come to our shows. It makes me want to kill myself. It would have made more sense if you would have combined the names into the Pixkins, I do believe. Yeah. But then I'd eat the band and there wouldn't be a band. So. When a slap turns into a joke. JC, would you mind giving us a little bit? I don't do we hear you sing in Miami? Did I make you do it there? Let's hear a little version of something.

Why don't you tell the band something to play for a second? They're very good. They could jump. They're nothing like your band. They could play anything right away. So just tell them what you want. Now immediately jump in. So just. Are you for real? Fuck, last time I sang a song from Beauty and the Beast. So this is going to be awkward. Guys, guys, be like all of our teachers growing up. Give her an F, a D and a C. No, wait, like if I could like play the guitar, then I would do good. But no, no, no, there you want to play the good. You think you can play the guitar and sing better than you can just sing with the band? Yeah, I'm not even kidding. Matt, what do you think about this? You want to give this young lady? I mean, thank you. Hell yeah.

Look at this. Yeah, that. Yes, a musician would put it in there. Yes, true. I suppose that I might need it. It'd be super awkward bending over the table singing with a guitar. Are you ready to rock? I love this. Look at this. Who said Meatloaf was dead? Yeah. Shake your head. Yeah, exactly. Oh, wow. Ladies and gentlemen. This is crazy. Yeah, you're living your dreams. You're in the music capital of the world. It's true. You just bombed. You have a chance at redemption right now. This is Kill Tony. Maybe I could show you guys I'm a little better at music than comedy. I certainly fucking hope so. Should I do a cover or an original? Just fucking kill it, JC. Go for it. Do you guys like Johnny Cash?

I hear the train coming. It's rolling around the bed. And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when I'm stuck in Folsom Prison. I hang my head and cry. Wow. JC Madison. I just wanted to listen to her all night. I like your style. I think you should always do bad comedy before good music. I think that's a thing because you lower everybody's expectations. Everybody's like, I hate this bitch. Get her out of here. And then all of a sudden you go up there and just fucking kill. You were smashing. You were smashing and you're shaped like a pumpkin. So it's incredible. Thank you. Yes. Billy Corgan would be proud of me. Hell yeah. I love you, Tony. I appreciate you. You absolutely killed. Congratulations. You are

indeed, you are right. You're a better musician than you are a comedian. JC Madison, everybody. Thank you guys. Take a big joke book. That's from the great Bones Eye. He makes those with his bare hands. I'll get better. Thank you, Tony. Out of real Texas leather. Yes. We do have a very special regular, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, in the history of the, how many of you are longtime fans of this show? Yeah. Well, you're in for a very special treat right now. This is the return of a young man who absolutely is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Turns out he has a dilapidating disease that straight up kills you when you get it. And so he retired a few months ago. However, he's been feeling sharp the past

couple of weeks and wants to continue to live his dream. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only Michael Laird, everybody. Just one day, I'm by fire. Just one day, I'm by fire. Now, I can only sing from now on. Because my vocal exercises make me have to resonate my tone in different parts of my face. So I'm going to tell my jokes while singing. Just one day, I'm by fire. Just ACDC, you fucking retards. Five, six, seven, eight. Just one day. Hey, just one night might be the heavyweight champion of the world, but I would fight these bitches.

But I'm a cruiser wing. Just one day, I'm by fire. I thought you were a studio musician. I know, Tony, I can only talk clearly if I sing, and I have an improv background. And if the band gets their shit together, what do you want them to do? I'm going to improvise a song of an audience suggestion, but then the other song, I don't know, playing music. Michael, before we go on to this, just so you know, a lot of these songs, we have to cut out of the actual episode. I don't think we have to worry about Michael Laird hitting the notes good enough to set off YouTube's algorithm, red band. It's actually, it's the music. It's not there. It's not the sound. I'm pretty sure Michael's not going to

shock us like J.C. Madison did. It's the chords. When I was just a baby. That's my dad. I'm by you. What are you, what are you? For real, I've been working on my vocal exercises, and to speak, I can only sing. And I know what joy that brings, so I want to sing, and I improvise it for all the dudes and for all the dudes. Okay. Do you want these suggestions? It's, it's, yeah. All right. Anybody have any suggestions for Michael's song? No ACDCs. What? No ACDCs is what John D. suggests. Tony, Tony, you know what? Huh? Oh, I got an idea. Find me. Yeah, you may. I'm an improv

guru. Yeah, he is. Josh Barnett. This is literally one of the greatest improvisers of all time. I can feel it. He had a shot at SNL. He basically told them to go fuck themselves. And then God told him to go fuck himself. Oh, I had a great joke. Oh. I'm, I'm Josh Barnett if he's sitting around for three more fights. That's good. That's good. Now, um, so, um, I love to bring, uh, silly, you know, different, um, tastes of the show, so I'd love to play a game right now called Words, Words, Words. All right. So you're gonna get different occupations one at a time. And when I say one, you get a new occupation. But with that occupation, I'm gonna give as many examples of the Words, Words version of that

occupation. Okay. I think I sort of get it. I don't know. Listening to you, I feel like I just got shot by a horse tranquilizer by that. But I think I got it. So he's gonna, Absolutely. 100%. So he's saying, given occupation, he's gonna give the, the Words version. Yeah. And when I run out on that occupation, I go one or two, honestly, and you get a new occupation. You get this? Yeah. No, you, welcome to another episode of No Way You Do. No, I, I also have taken horse tranquilizers by far, so. Welcome to an episode of Who's the Fucking Buddy This Guy. All right. Let's play What's Worst. So I name an occupation. No, you get from them. Okay. Words, words, doctors. Words, words, men. All right. What's the, who's the world's worst?

Trimmer. I had him. I, Trimmer, you can't double jerk me with the music. I have no music. You're blaming it on the music? All right. Next occupation. World's Worst. Mortician? Somebody said the world's worst mortician. Oh man, what's on them fucking you? I'm gonna, I'm gonna do my joint and all this from the mouth to the eye, and I'm gonna kiss this guy, motherfucker. Next. Next. The world's worst occupation of, what'd you say? Therapist? Therapist, this guy says, Michael Laird. The world's worst therapist is what's been. You think you have problems?

Can we do one more? Because I heard a good one get yelled from the top. Can we do one more? I heard world's worst gynecologist. I'm interested to know. Let me see that wet ass pussy. Wow. Unbelievable. Just up here flexing the wildest of muscles. 30 years at the system in Chicago, second city and all that. I mean, unbelievable. Yeah, but if nothing, you're giving me this microphone, all of us want to be having this moment. That's true. That's true. All that great work you just did, and you just gave me all the credit, and that's why you get to come back anytime you want, Michael. You're an absolute legend. You come up here, you smash, you know you're always invited. How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Michael Laird, everybody?

Come on. One more time for Michael Laird, everyone. Back to the bucket. We go. Your next comedian goes by, oh, we know this young man as well. Make some noise for Trey Pak, everybody. One of the weight loss competition competitors. We've been following his progress for about six months. One of the weight loss is trying to lose weight. Here's a new 60 seconds of stand-up comedy from Trey Pak, everybody. I have two sisters. Both of my sisters exclusively fuck black guys, which means I have two fat white sisters, okay? Here's my thing. I think it's great that they fuck black guys, okay? Because that means

I get to be my dad's favorite. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, some people get to have brother-in-laws. I get to have brother-in-laws. Do you feel me? I'm just happy we're finally going to have something good to eat at Thanksgiving. You know what I'm saying? Like, I have a girlfriend. My girlfriend started doing compression therapy. Have you guys heard about this? Have you heard of compression therapy? No? That's just actually what she calls having sex with me. Thank you guys so much. There you go. Trey Pak, 55 seconds in and out. You've been on the show a couple times before, and also the weight loss challenge. A great set. Before we get to all that, I got to tell you, I mean, I absolutely love that. It felt

real. It felt genuine. It felt honest. They're both huge. It's very genuine. Yeah. And they both love black cock. I mean, Jesus Christ. Right. What do they do for work? What do these big sisters do for work? They just raise mixed kids. You know how fair white girls are. Right. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of sweating and grunting. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Interesting. How do you guys think you all got so big? Is it genetic? You have big parents? Not really. My mom is big as hell, but like, not like... Big as hell. That's my fucking mom, too. We're all picturing. We feel like the whole family looks like Gilbert Grape. Are we close to on this? No, wait, not Gilbert Grape's mom. My dad looks like this dude, actually, man. Really? My dad's fucking huge, worked in a prison his whole life.

Why do you hate the fuck out of your dad like that? No. Dude, no. My dad's in his sixties, fucking Jack. Mom is, she's lost a ton of weight now, but he was carrying you around as a baby. I imagine he gets... World's strongest man over here. Yeah, exactly. Especially with your fat sisters in the mix. You know what I mean? That guy's just lugging you guys up hills and shit. As far as I could figure, the dad must be like, man, keep bringing these buff black dudes around, because I don't know what's going to happen if either you should happen to pass out. Who the hell is going to move you? That is true. Trey, what do you do for work? How do you make a living? I work here now. So yeah, I work security for the Vulcan Gas Company. Oh, wow. Look at that.

You look like you could take a pounding. Very, very interesting. So how's it been working out for you here at Vulcan? Have you had to kick anybody out? Have you had to be the muscle? Not really. I mean, there's some huge motherfuckers that work here, man. So I get to come in and just kind of stare people down and walk towards the door. Two of the best bouncers in this club are your tits. I'm on house. You miss her. I'm bounce E at the Vulcan Cats Company. I'm just bouncy. Absolutely. Trey, what do you like to do for fun when you're not doing standup comedy? Oh, man, I do stand up every day, man. So it's like, I love being at Vulcan. I love coming to

work. You also look like you do a lot of sit down every day as well. I mean, let's face it. There must be other things. There must be a couple other hobbies that make shooting cannibals into your belly or something. Right. Something like that. Just Hans Kim lives inside of me. He lives in a van. Do you understand? That's his new place. Yeah, I'm Hans's new apartment. Okay. I love coming to work, man. I love bouncing. I broke that kid's dick. We talked about that last time, man. It's been a, what'd you talk about last time? I broke that. I broke your kid's dick bouncing once. That just sounds like a missionary accident. Okay. You put him in reverse cowgirl and no, I just threw I threw him down some stairs and somehow his dick had gotten hard. I don't

know, you know, that's between him and the Lord. You put those big meaty masculine hands on him and he didn't know what to do with him. So he was pissing. It was involuntary. Yeah, his dick was out and he was pinging, but somewhere in our wrestling match, he fucking got hard to. I don't know. Damn, that's wild. Must have brushed up against it like six or seven, 10 times. I was behind him. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, if it's one way to pacify a guy that is successful. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to like avoid my body touching his body at all. I mean, it's a battle. You know what I mean? If he's a real man, he's like, God, this guy looks like a man, but those fucking kids. Oh, no, I want to beat him up, but I also want to sort of fuck him.

It's interesting to get hard during a fight. Yeah, hey, welcome to my fucking world. That's like the ultimate fucking real. But if you slapped a man with your hard cock, that would really be next level will Smith's shit. You know what I mean? Trey pack. I mean, interesting stuff. Let's talk about the weight loss challenge. Have you weighed yourself lately? Do you remember what you were doing the last weight loss challenge? No, I was like three. The scales weird. The last time I weighed in, I was like 395 scales weird. Yeah, the scale. It's weird. Is it not in pounds? Oh, no, it's Sam Hunter lost 60 pounds the last time he weighed in and there's no fucking Josh when they weigh that much, the scale just free. Where are

you? Yeah, let's get the scale up here. Let's see what's going on here. What are you saying that your weight was the last time? Like 396 396. And that was about two months ago. Something like 396 two months ago. Don't be here before ladies and gentlemen, don't blame it on your shoes. 396. This is going to be interesting. He is turning on the scale. Whoa, it is showing straight up for 46416 pounds is what it's clicking on the most. It's sticking at 415.8. Wow, you only gained 16 pounds in two months, right? Get my beach body ready. Yeah, you mean beach ball body? Beach swell body. Yeah. What do you think's going on? What have you been snacking on? Everything, literally anything I can get my hands on. Really? Yeah. It's not like a big secret how I just eat

like shit. Put a sunscreen on with a fucking super soaker. So when you go to like, let's say Waterburger, what do you order? Like what's a normal order for you? So the problem is I'll go to Waterburger and I'll just be two stone and then I'll also go to Taco Bell. Oh, shit. That's the real problem. Whoa. That's fucking crazy. Because you want the fries and the tacos and now they, yeah, I mean, it's a nightmare. Oh, yeah. Have you ever, have you ever done three in a day? Have you ever had like Taco Bell? In a day? Yeah. That's an average day in a sitting. Yeah. I've gotten really hot on it. Wow. Damn. At your size. Does that mean it's more weed too? Do you need like an excess amount of marijuana? Yeah. Well, no, yes, yes. I don't know. I just do too much every time, I think.

Clearly. I'll just, yeah. Edibles. Yeah, they make gummy bears and I can't not eat gummy bears. Right. Oh, we know. Oh, we know. What would it have to, what would we have to, if we said that the gummy bears had fentanyl in them, how hard would it be for you to not eat one of those gummy bears? I just wouldn't snort them, I guess. Trey, you're very, very funny. You had an unbelievably great set here. You came in, you owned the interview, eight minutes of just regular, getting to watch people grow here is one of the coolest things and this is a perfect example. And I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Trey Pak, you already have a big joke book, right? You have one of those?

Yep. Trey Pak. Everybody, follow him at Trey Pak Comedy. Oh yeah, we're having fun here. We got a little advice for our big fella though. Don't worry about scales. Lift weights, use a mirror. That's it. You'll see what you need to see. You lift weights, you'll lose weight, you'll get stronger. And look, if you're 370 pounds of muscular, masculine magnitude, ain't nobody going to give you no shit. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is another special treat. In the history of the show, only eight people have ever won a thing called a golden ticket, which means you get to perform on the show anytime you want for the rest of the history of the show. This is the last Monday in Austin for a while. He has to get back to

Canada. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Jared Nathan. The one thing I won't miss about Austin is the fucking scooters. I keep tapping on them because ladies here don't wear any booboo booboo bras. I got attacked by a fucking crazy booboo booboo booboo booboo booboo burning a lady but I like the girl's name is bup bup bup bup bup the girl's name is Brian I'm gonna change his name to Justin Trudeau cuz he's always on my ass yeah okay Jared Nathan absolutely Justin Trudeau is up your ass hell yeah wild episode this is a special thick accent episode of Kill Tony but you did it again you're just up here you're

smashing you're the fucking the man the myth the fucking legend Jared Nathan hell yeah looking like a fucking rock star here today sunglasses were crawling up your face the entire set was incredible and you're rocking a cowboy hat and an I love haters t-shirt hell yeah you look like every tourist in Austin this is everybody that's visiting from LA he's got weird so Jared another great set how's it going my friend it's going awesome fucking amazing hell yeah yeah is this your last week here yes I'm leaving tomorrow very fucking early in the morning oh no how early in the morning I love you too wow 540 in the morning okay that is early let me ask you let me ask you this when you get on an airplane is it an extra small airplane like is it like how it works with

buses or do they put you on a normal size airplane with the son of a bitch shut up lady just cuz you want to suck this guy's cock yes sir oh you got me a present you brought you brought red band a present yeah I fucking made made it cheerios cheerios obviously his mouth was all over that red band so I mean wow you're an absolute idiot love it somehow you're the retarded one I think it's a true musician wow look he handed me the same that he ate charios off of everybody well Jared that's very nice I got you a present too I didn't bring it on states but it's a book of fire trucks wait you do red band how did you know that is incredible wow look how excited he is I love it so you said that you've been going to Ladybird Lake what exactly have you been doing when you go and

visit there take a walk yeah I bet yeah I knew where you were going with that one taking walks alright you ever see fish over there you ever see any animals or anything you see some turtles wow yes do you make them little homes out of your duplos wait out of his what duplos what are duplos they're the Legos for little kids do you have do you have oh he knows what they are haha do you have these building blocks do you have diplos you do oh my god everybody's nailing everything you guys are trying to make jokes and he's like yeah no I do I love fire trucks and I play with those blocks it's most of his check baggage this is the fucking man right here this guy's now let me ask you something have you been having fun being away from home or

are you missing a chromis home one part there's one good comedy fan two good comedy fans sort of three four and a half four real comedy fans here tonight the rest of you clearly hear from the Oscars audience last night rowdy crowd we have here Jared what else happened to you fun lot this week since the last time we saw you anything else I want to go to Coral Coral Coral what golden Coral Coral Coral Coral Coral Coral you do yes do you get a discount there why would you go there yeah go golden Coral is special people's roots Chris steakhouse free bit what do you like to get when you go to Golden Coral I bet I got my got my money on a lot of mac and cheese mashed potatoes the little fried okra am I right you love that you get cocktail sauce or some fried chicken

whoa look out the soft serve dispenser yeah a lot of a lot of the ice cream I'm guessing yes yes yes how many trip what's the most amount of trips you've made to Golden Coral I'd like to I'd be interested to see who eats more you were a tray pack I had five plates wow five plates I allegedly was high so Jared's one of the only people that literally eats the plates too when nothing goes to waste at the Golden Coral nothing at all I love it Jared that's so cool so you have to fly back to Canada tomorrow what's the rules about this how long until you get to come back again what do you know the restrictions and everything are you looking forward already to coming back I need to come back in the June end of June and the June okay all right what are you

is there anything you're excited about about going back to Canada there must be something you're looking forward to whoa there's a lot of dumb hoes here tonight okay I'm Tim Hornets yes that was the only voice in your okay very good chair you have good weed up in Toronto good weed allegedly yeah good weed let me let me ask you something when you smoke weed does it make you sober I did I've asked you I don't ever remember all right it makes me level let's just say that right yeah okay all right well Jared I mean it's been an amazing run having you in Austin Texas I'm gonna miss you it's been doing every Monday

every Thursday we love him we're looking forward to seeing you at the end of June there he goes Jared Nathan everybody I pulled another name out of the bucket this guy's actually killed Tony famous that I pulled out he was on an episode in LA and then on an episode in Dublin Ireland ladies and gentlemen this is a brand new minute from Aaron McCann everybody Aaron McCann is here what's happening fuckers how are we it's good to be here my ex-girlfriend was American Irish girls and American girls very different you know Irish girls only do dirty talk thank god and with this accent you're gonna be used to hijack a vehicle that's it you know but American girls will add audio during sex where there's no need for it like I received a blowjob one time

and it sounded like a Shania Twain song just oh oh oh and I was like that won't impress me much though um but I was going down on her one time because I'm a feminist right and uh during the act during the act like the fucking McBeth play uh during the act my lady did say she said what's your name sorry in the front row Spencer nice tell me what you would say here Spencer is this your lady well done uh so during the act I'm in the trance of Spencer right and she says Aaron and I was like first of all love it's fucking Aaron watch your violets please she said Aaron tell me what I taste like you're up Spencer what would you say I was paralyzed with fear as well as between her thighs looking like a judge

on the Great British Bake Off just like there is a hint of lemon rind there you go Aaron McCann extending the set all the way through killing very good as always Aaron McCann or as I like to call him a thicky Jervais I get that way too fucking much I swear to god do you really yeah you call me a fucking hack right now I love it another great set welcome how uh how long you've been in America how's it going what's this I was here for a week flying back tomorrow also and then I was in New York last week for potty's day oh for potty's day oh I'm so Irish here first ain't potty's day

that's my irish accent you nailed it nailed it that's like that's like county court right there what the fuck do you mean I sound Indian Matt what the fuck first time ever you speak up you've been on the show 48 episodes you just wait to yell at me you sound like an Indian you said it twice you sound like an Indian Matt I know that sounded like an Indian no you're seriously I am Irish I thought it was actually easier to understand the guy before him oh dare to hear that yeah exactly you know what I mean between those ladies talking dirty you know they're always talking dirty yeah you have a lot of words that you use that make

no sense to us so we have to just guess you know you know it's like a Macbeth huh we're like what I love it hell yeah so like you still read like a lot of books and stuff huh and not really to be honest I picture irish people just living in brick buildings lighting candles like reading books eating potatoes hopefully not being in a famine yeah you eat a few potatoes that say you're a big fucker absolutely oh shit are you starting shit with josh it's pretty wild I want all the smoke and he wants it to get real cracking here I love it so uh tell us what was Ireland like during the crazy pandemic pretty much the same nothing happened you know really yeah I mean they locked you guys down pretty hard right they locked this

time yeah but we're bars were closed the bars were closed so what do irish people do when the bars are closed like that what do you guys do just drink at home freak out right high smashers it's way better you know I smashers high smashers like you get to pour your own alcohol oh how smasher where are you from in Ireland Irish people always dance like they're on puppet strings or something where are you from in Ireland I'm from a time called Oma so it's just outside of like Belfast and what's the name what's it known for oh you're northern irish men yeah yeah oh I love it okay so uh you're locked down what's your love life like Aaron McCann you seem like

the kind of guy that fucking non-existent really yeah non-existent I'm actually trying to get someone pregnant while I'm here so I can get a green card you know but oh yeah so if anyone has space in their uterus let me know yeah a little irish cream pie a little a little something in your part of gold taste the rainbow yeah have you hooked up with any american girls have you ever been with an american girl yeah uh what have you noticed that's different about american girls that's different than being with an irish girls or something that really stands out to you well again it's like you know

american girls just there's more audio during sex like you know irish girls are pretty mugged in the bedroom you know really they might like use your back acne as braille to tell you to go harder oh wow that's about it oh my god because they're blacked out like right wow so do you walk up to the american girls you're like would you like to kiss their blarney stones I just so happened to have it in me crotch it's good look of course is this been your first trip ever to Austin Texas first time ever I fucking love it what do you what do you tell us what you love about it give us a little update what have you learned this week again I used to live in california so come in here I've never heard like I've never heard this sentence before but I've heard it here

like seven times which is I'll be outside smoking and I'll be talking to someone and they're like listen man I don't know where you stand politically but and then just say the wildest shit I've ever heard wow very interesting I love your american accent I like to think that your american accent is as funny as my irish indian accent that I do can you give us an example of some more in your american accent can you give us an example of some of the things that these people have said after they say the political affiliation thing I'm interested to know listen man if I'm listening to Kendrick Lamar in the privacy of my own home I should get to say it holy shit

god damn that's it it's incredible do you have any more of those how many of these I want to say I can't say the rest wow yeah okay um it's your political solution like what get a south orma sniper then uh very very interesting erin you got yourself in those situations a lot you met a lot of real like uh texans out here salt of the earth salt of the earth it's great like I love it here have you gotten to see some live music oh yeah I've seen the nether Royer yesterday they're a fucking great band shout out to them yeah hopefully they'll play my wedding when I get someone pregnant yeah I know those guys don't play your wedding they will play your wedding

all right well erin fun stuff another brand new minute I'm so glad you were able to get pulled out of this bucket while you're still here thanks for everything I really appreciate it have a big showbook from the great bonsai atrian cavazos follow him on instagram at bonsai back to the bucket we go you guys having fun out there huh I love it ladies and gentlemen make some noise for victoria evans everybody okay victoria evans is the next taking her time walking to the stage one more time for victoria evans everybody so um you want to know a couple things that are in like about dating a child in an alcoholic

we both piss the bed we throw temper tantrums um we spill our food and they've created monitors for both of us yeah that's all I have wow 29 seconds that was it it's okay talking to the microphone nobody can hear you I'm about to shit myself right now you already did uh on stage pretty incredible it would have been funnier victoria uh what what happened up here what what is what is what the fuck what kind of fucking meltdown are we in the middle of right now you know what fuck this I'm gonna go to kill Tony and I'm gonna do 28 seconds so um I'm a raging alcoholic yeah um been arrested this time around though they uh third degree felony last week yeah what was that for what did you do so I stupidly passed out in

my car drunk okay how much did you drink that night if you had to just guess ballpark well I picked up my car from the impound the next day and like buzz balls and tequila and beer oh you drink in the car yeah so I got my boyfriend oh shit the safety of the kitchen do you have the sound effect of a train wreck we have that somewhere so you know it's funny I used to put like in my dating apps like any guy would hit on me and I would just be like do you want me to fuck your world up because I'm gonna ruin your life oh Jesus Christ but guess what I'm ruining my own you seem really proud about this by the way like why are you so proud about this for those of you listening from around the world this is what half the chicks in Austin are like so this is

pretty exciting pretty exciting for you to get to see one of the real ones that really prepared for the show here the only thing you're missing is bangs and thigh tattoos you would fit in with every other hey and you know what I just got this on today for the show congratulations it works out perfectly they say comedy's all about timing right I guess so ankle bracelet and you know all I want to do right now is fucking drink a bottle of tequila okay but you can't no but I could take Xanax wow smoke weed oh my god your life is out of control what do you think what do you think happened are both your parents still together are they close no no right right right they're not yeah I don't think that I don't think that ankle bracelet's a hand me down you know what

I'm saying no but you know what it was your grandmother's ankle bracelet so it's actually the most expensive piece of jewelry I own now because it's $300 a month oh really do you have to pay for it yeah which is fucked up right right yeah that's money you could be spending on all that Xanax you need to pay yeah what do you do for work I don't wow you're the worst yeah this is incredible a non contributing member of society that has us taxpayers flipping the bill while you're drinking booze balls in your fucking Honda Civic what kind of car is it what do you got you know what I had a Honda Civic right that got taken away from you because of your bad habits right and now I drive a Hyundai Elantra were you drunk when you totaled the Civic yeah and did you

get a DUI there no surprisingly the cop took me home wow hell yeah one thing when they put a bracelet on another when they're taking them off you know it's not bad for me because my head went through the like windshield so yeah yeah D madness says he'd rather drive himself home than trust this troublemaker Victoria Evans yeah very interesting I mean you're set boring as hell but this interview is very very interesting so let me ask you this all these guys I mean you're ready how long have you been an alcoholic for your whole life right I mean that's questionable you know they try to tell me in rehab the last three times I went wow but um there you go bragging again about it yeah like it's so interesting so much to brag about I mean you just at one point

have to embrace it three times in rehab definitely serving it with a smile yeah three times in rehab and now you have an ankle monitor bracelet on that's incredible you're like lamey winehouse pretty much I'm like the uglier version I guess instead of Amy I called her lamey winehouse I'm literally shaking right now all right so you know this show like are you uh you're just a fan of podcasts that randomly is like I'm going out and this is what I'm doing like are you allowed to fucking be here right now this is crazy I can find a Travis County right now so I'm within my bounds okay yeah and I'm shaking so bad right now and I don't know if it's because I'm nervous or I'm having withdraws right well yeah very very interesting I think we finally found out something cool

about you Victoria catch it a whiff off of the bourbon come on my drink here you said that you threatened to ruin guys lives Victoria shut the fuck up okay I'm hosting the show that you're on right now you've said that you've uh threatened to ruin guys lives have you done it what's the worst thing you've done to a boyfriend or a guy with it that upset you sure okay that's not the question that I asked you you're not on the stand right now Victoria I tried to punch them and beat them up and are you successful no that's it I don't know dealing with me is like I said dealing with a child you know I pee on beds I pee on people I pee on myself oh my god I guess you need to find the person with that fetish what's one of what's one of your good qualities

so I am actually intelligent when I'm sober I did graduate from UNT I have a degree but aren't you sober right now doing all this shit on stage in front of everybody in the internet like wait hold on a second hold on what I asked you the good qualities about you go ahead you said you have a college degree yeah what else did you say I'm loving oh yeah we know you love alcohol yeah so there is some compassion to alcohol yes exactly all right yeah all right well okay why do I have you higher up on my death pole than Michael Lair this is incredible and Trey Pak actually you're above Trey Pak Michael Lair and David Lucas which is really really hard to accomplish very very interesting how long do you have to have the ankle bracelet on for

I don't know but I have to go get an inlock inner system in my car did you say that your boyfriend's here yes is he did he sign up yes really what's his name what's his name Angel David I have to see a minute from this guy because whoever is fucking you I want to see I got to see it ladies and gentlemen making his kill Tony debut you stay up here on this stage you sit right there with that bottle of screwball ladies and gentlemen this is Angel David everybody here he is with 60 seconds uninterrupted who gave her the bottle here he is starting now I guess ladies and gentlemen Angel David everybody I'm a first generation American

hell yeah hell yeah as you as you can imagine immigration is a big issue in my family that's why two of my brothers joined the border patrol they can't they can't have we can't have these other Mexicans circumventing the process we had to go through take this analogy take this analogy it's like you're waiting in a line at Disney World right you've been waiting two hours some guy comes in it's getting all fast fast wait is that is that really a fast pass are you are you really a refugee are you an asylum seeker no you're just you're just pouring starving like all of us were get in the back one

wow I was not expecting her to be funnier than you that's incredible in a stunning turn of events wow oh my god did she pay you what is this what is this relationship I brought her here I brought her here I made her sign up did she beat your ass that cut on the nose yeah yeah is that cut on your nose from her yeah yeah oh my god tell us what happened so for those of you listening to the show he has an open wound at the top of his nose so it's very very exciting yes sir I do yes sir anything could happen on this show you have an open wound it's very blatantly yes so what exactly happened did she kick you with her ankle monitor on this was before that no no she got arrested in

my parking garage okay so before she fell asleep for being drunk before getting the ankle monitor before being accused of a third-degree felony this is when did this happen because the cut looks super fresh when she said she gets aggressive she she wasn't lying about it wow this is absolutely incredible this is one of the saddest episodes of mori povich I've ever seen in my entire life the results are in you guys are going to die in a fiery car crash together perhaps killing innocent people at the exact same time there is no doubt about this these people will pop up in the fucking one of the comment sections of something we will find out like hey tony remember that couple you joked about dying here it isn't this them and the pictures are going to look just

like you with that fucking shirt you're wearing whatever that is oh my god is that is just she just stare at that to get drunk now psychedelic holy shit now why do you stay with her look at these shoes to go with she said she said she has a big heart and it's true uh-huh it's 100 true wow because you've had to stab her in the chest to revive her couldn't miss that motherfucker yeah damn she has a big heart what do you mean by that she she how did she how did she cut your nose while we're talking about her big heart let's get back to the she could have done did she dress you too what the fuck happened yeah she fucked you up dude did you fall in a tj maxx and come out like this what all the shit no one's gonna wear so i'm gonna put it together into this gracious ensemble

to bless all you motherfuckers tonight i like this shirt i like it you do it shows well yeah we know you have bad taste you like her too it's incredible how'd you get the cut on your nose coming too fast what exactly did you do to get the cut on your nose i i don't remember i was i was drunk we both blacked out so you guys black out together a lot and when's the last time you two drank uh last last uh show last tony last tony yeah we're sitting right there wait are you trying to pass this on to him hold on a second hold on i'm not blaming you hold on you were here a week ago is that what you're saying are you guys visiting from somewhere no i i live here she's visiting from jellis fort worth oh your elbows all fucked up too she dropped

you to the floor oh yeah what happened to your elbow and forearm chalice more open wounds have been found that that's a different story that's that's a different story i got my own problems would you fall off your razor scooter yeah hold on a second yeah so when's the last time you drank it was a week ago and then what happened exactly last week we're we're at the show so last monday you were here you were in the audience is what you're saying and then what happened the next morning the next morning i told victoria i said hey victoria like you could stay at my place tonight but you're fucked up i'm not gonna let you drive 8 30 in the morning i said hey dude go get your shit together kicked out of my place right this is your girlfriend we're talking about

where was she supposed to go she's visiting from dallas fort worth so then what happens she hung out in my parking garage right and then what happened buzz balls more buzz balls hell yeah and then what happened i i get a call i get a call from her father i get a call from her father at 3 30 i know because i was having a meeting at the time right i got a call from her father he said he said was it an AA meeting he said angel can you go to the parking garage really quick and uh just checking victoria's out there that's how you know he's white he called you angel on hill is when i'm in trouble on hill because i'm in trouble but on hill is when you're in trouble that's what my mom calls me on hill yeah oh okay thank you lady it's Spanish thank you wow

sorry i was struggling with that one thank you walked walked into the wrong kitchen here huh jesus christ so you said you're a first generation american is that code for illegal immigrant i went the right way i rent the right way my mom did it the right way she married an american i feel like your mexico's revenge on america but i do have dual citizenship i'm a mexican citizen and a u.s citizen yes sir all right well that's good look look a little itchy and scratchy over here i bet i love watching her off to the side of times crossing her arms and looking up you're like i'm like what the fuck could you be what about your life could you be sitting over here till like no don't talk about that you already got the ankle bracelet you're already a raging

alcoholic apparently you're having sex with children that was what you said earlier so all this shit and then piss it in the bed and now you're like don't talk about me getting drunk in your garage angel let me now modesty shows up angel let me ask you a question how long have you been with her she slid in my dms and uh what it was uh june june of last year june of last year yes sir okay june of last year and you guys have been hanging out ever since how do you think this is going to end tell the truth angel close your eyes and speak into the microphone you're on a live podcast right now daddy will take care of you this is a moment for greatness right now don't fuck this up angel okay close your eyes and tell the truth okay i'm a lover at heart and i know victoria has a really

good heart okay okay hold on let's let him go get back behind that microphone i love her when she's sober look at her she's so lovable when she's sober look at her what are you talking about sienna she has great personality she could talk shit she was talking shit to you the whole time i respect you but like she was holding her own right she told us that you pee on her are you drunk what are you talking about i love this come on just pull some chente out of your ass how do you think it's going to end angel let's get back to you let's close your eyes again and tell us we know you bit the big heart we get it we're both blacked out we're we're both blacked out and i get on one knee

you get on why would you get on one knee to shoot yourself in the head all right there they go victoria evans and angel david everybody really all right well then we have to put a ribbon on this thing there's only one person that can end a show like this sorry to lsh uh we're going to have to get you up uh next week we got to keep this thing moving along uh to close the show the longest standing regular in the history of the show ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the big red machine william montgomery come on make some noise for william montgomery everybody okay

god who the fuck were those people first and foremost if anyone says anything about my bald head tonight toni's going to come out there and slap the shit out of you to make matters worse vladimir putin said he wouldn't be releasing gi jane two in russian theaters okay let me see if i can read it chris rock made a joke about wil smith's wife last night at the oscars and his surprising turn of events will smith rushed the stage and slapped chris rock and a not so surprising turn of events bagger vance still be giving matt damon bullshit advice at the end of that movie wil smith slapping chris rock at the oscars was a stunning departure from the

wil smith audiences has come to know and love he helps timie lee jones save the universe and men in black he gives kevin james the confidence to find love and hitch and then he somehow lets matt damon get a penalty at the end of that fucking tournament what the fuck were you thinking you're his fucking catty wil smith's caricature of black people in the legend of bagger vance is almost as offensive as wil smith allowing matt damon to pick up his ball on the 18th hole when he's neck and neck with bobby james and walter hagan ten thousand dollars is on the line it's the start of the depression he just got back from world war one full disclosure i have never seen the legend of bagger vance i just i took part of an adderall earlier and smoked some weed and just

started reading about bagger vance for two i could have watched the fucking movie with the amount of time i spent researching that fucking thing two fucking hours i was reading the wikipedia thing over and over again i could have just watched the fucking movie let me ask you this why out of all of the things that wil smith has done what made you pick without ever watching the movie what made you decide that you were going to use bagger vance as a vessel for your jokes this evening i don't know it seemed like a good idea i mean he's a he's a mythical catty i mean literally it's like world war one times he comes back from bad battle he was pretty catty last night too he's got a thing for news boy caps i guess hey who's this guy by the way okay

unbelievable william who's this guy by the way it's weird with all the guests by the way so welcome to the family um this is josh barnett one of the greatest fighters in the history of fighting the serious podcaster the founder of war bringer bourbon the founder of blood sport which is like uh pro wrestling meets ufc sort of kind my name is william nice to meet you nice to meet you whoa he's kidding and here i was gonna ask you what was it like did i scare you a little bit he did not flinch at all what was it like what's it feel like being the the most normal guy on stage tonight for once yeah that is true you are like uh the most balanced uh chemical person that's been on this stage tonight it is interesting normally you're the wild one but uh turns out

tonight was fucking wild yeah i mean literally who were those fucking people up here before me yeah the fuck was going on nothing better than pulling someone out of the bucket with 29 seconds and an ankle bracelet i mean it's fucking incredible we got a dissertation on a whole life's journey boyfriend immigration it went everywhere who do you think would win in a fight between you and i if i told you i've been training a bunch recently it's a good question william Montgomery zero fights to his name by the way used to ride bicycles back in tennessee when he was in high used to used to look at those guys strong wads strong wads doesn't do that anymore no fighting experience whatsoever versus uh a man with a second degree black belt am i correct

a second degree black belt in brazilian jiu-jitsu yeah uh multiple world titles yeah so who do you think would win in a fight hold on i'm gonna give this some thought me let me confer with my my other compatriots over here this is actually a pretty serious question i think it's you you see how bald he is i i do hey shut the fuck up right man that'd be that'd be good people that would that clip would do something if i slap this shit on you keep janice's name out of your fucking mouth keep janice's name out of your mouth red man the fuck are you thinking it's gonna be out of my mouth man it's gonna be out of my mouth i'm sorry just quit fucking talking

about her i'm sorry man what's on your back is that a cape what is going on with your shirt what is going on i got this on ebay i fucking spent six hundred dollars on it i put it on and then it looks like there's a garbage bag on my back or something oh my god i was horrified earlier oh my god it looks so stupid it is i put it on for the first time earlier i look at my fucking looks like a fucking trash bag oh it looks so stupid it's incredible i see it now there's like a parachute it's like a new mexico like meth pocket on the yeah it looks like my girlfriend's tits but on your back shut the fuck up he said it looks like his girlfriend's tits are on your back

in one of the strangest insults i've ever seen he insulted both william and his girlfriend's tits who's not even here tonight just innocently sitting at home behaving herself taking care of the house yeah i mean it's the drummer the drummer just had touched it hey lay off who the fuck are you everybody i've never seen you before literally who are you oh my god there's a button attached to that is there a button in the yeah there's a button yeah it's for speedy deployment what what is the point of this god just get off of me don't this is embarrassing

i'm literally horrified right now someone somewhere went to some clothing company went you know what yeah i've got just the fucking thing yeah let's make it that's like a pocket for a better shirt back there it's like we were supposed to keep the shirt that you're actually i made a fucking mistake i was literally horrified when i saw this thing in my back and now y'all are fucking talking about i'm horrified up here he saw the front of it and he's like oh it's kind of like shoulder pads and a duster and then he fucking sees the back again i couldn't hear you what was that it is incredible i've been training can you show us can you show us some of your shadow boxing let's get a little can we get a little uh

areas william put the mic in the mic stand let's see a little something here i hear thunder lips let's go the crowd wants it oh shit something's about to happen here ladies and gentlemen he's about to show us some of his new training some of his fighting skills he's really making the crowd want it he's going to do something any second now physically with his body he's sweating in his loafers at least yeah it was pretty i mean i could see maybe if you do that long enough i could see maybe josh gets dehydrated dehydrated or something like that just i drink enough whiskey i pass out yeah like what's your fuck yeah something could happen

here is that your fighting style you just sort of bob around i've been lying i've never fought i was just wondering what you would say but i think you would probably beat the shit out of me i think you luckily when he puts you on your back you have a little extra padding back there so yeah you're getting rear naked choked by a bullshit shirt right now that shirt sucks dude what are you it's gross it's not even it doesn't even suck it's just gross i mean this is probably this shirt's highlight to be perfectly honest i mean it is incredible being on his fucking pale freckle covered back is probably the best thing this shirt has ever seen it's like the back is like

filled with air like at some time it's like airbag effect it's in case you fall into the river yeah it deploys i'm horrified right now it falls into the river it deploys into a fucking floater device and it keeps on from drowning oh he's looking deeply in the eyes of josh barnett are we about to make love are we about to rub red beards together and create a you want to blazing friction oh shit wow we did it what an episode ladies and gentlemen how about a hand for the great william Montgomery everybody amazing how long can this place get for my very amazing guests the great josh barnett everyone bloodsport eight is this thursday in dallas check out warbringer bourbon it's an amazing drawing as with every other episode tonight's drawing from ryanjebelt from

los angeles all those prints are available ryanjebelt.com josh you have fun here tonight i always have a great time here with you with the fucking red band and the whole part of this whole process was i basically just hit up my buddies and go i'm coming to awesome let's just hang out let's do it we're gonna do it right now the official after party starts right now how about one more time for the band everybody thanks to screwball peanut butter whiskey met meowing on guitar d madness on the bass john d's on the keys and special feature today d watts on the drums while the great michael gazales is on tour uh it's going to be merged for sale i already see it's set up over there in the corner you can unlock your phones hang out uh thank y'all so much we'll see you

again soon good night everybody thanks everyone sorry janice so so you