KILL TONY - #552 - PUNKIE JOHNSON + DICEY

Episode Date: April 9, 2022

Punkie Johnson, Dicey, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/15/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band Company Alive from the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Get up on Tony. Austin, Texas, it's fucking 430 in the afternoon. Are you guys ready to do this shit or what, huh? Yeah! How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? Hey everybody! Welcome to Kill

Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rows and the Red Rows. It's just so having to be the two best strip clubs in the entire world. They're both here in Austin, Texas. How cool is that? Guys, how about a hand for this band, everybody? Does it get any better than that? Matt Mueling on guitar. Michael Gonzalez on drums. And that right there is the great D-Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Good morning, fellas! Yeah, it really is. We had a blast here last night. We're here again South by Southwest is happening and for some reason we decided to do daytime shows with a son out. Liquid IV though. Hell yeah, they are the very best at what

they do and so is Red Bull, White Claw and the W Hotel where now if you come on a Sunday or Monday night use the promo code Kill Tony, save 25%. So many cool sponsors that keep this machine running and here's a little bit more but the amazing sponsors that made this episode available for you here right now. Hey y'all, I'm back out on tour doing stand-up comedy. Come see me live. April 21st to the 23rd, come see me in Miami. May 5th through May 7th, Phoenix, Arizona. I'm back with you. And May 20th and 21st, I'm back in Salt Lake City, Utah, a place with an unbelievably great sense of humor. So come out, see me on tour and

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the official Delta 8 sponsor of Kill Tony. And if you use promo code Tony, you're going to get 25% off. So once more, that's promo code Tony for 25% off. Yo Delta, home of the Delta 8 that will get you super high. Hello, y'all, fans of this show over the age of 21. I want to tell you about Yo Kratom, the home of the $60 kilo. How much $60 for what? A full kilo of Kratom. That's right. If you're currently a fan of Kratom, you can get it for our newest sponsor, Yo Kratom, for just $60 a kilo. If you aren't a fan of Kratom, well then ignore this ad. The fact that YoKratom.com has high quality Kratom for

just 60 bucks a kilo has no relevance to your life. But if you are a fan of Kratom, then it's time to stop overpaying or having to go to corner stores or gas stations to find it. So one more time, thank you to Yo Kratom for supporting the show. And if you're into Kratom, Yo Kratom is the one place where you can find $60 kilos. These guys are one of the biggest Kratom wholesalers and they created Yo Kratom.com so that you can buy directly at incredible prices. So one more time, it's YoKratom.com home of the $60 kilo. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? You're at the number one live podcast in the world

right now. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to be here. I'm going to ask one more time. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? Alright. Every single episode, we have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this week. No different. Two of my favorites. Two of the best in the world. Two ladies that I've been doing this with for over a decade. Two of my besties. Two of my favorites. It's the great Punky Johnson and Dicey, everybody. Wow. Saturday Night Live, Punky Johnson and the Los Angeles gangster, the Dallas Murder. Hello. Hi, Dicey. Come on in. Sit down. Make yourselves at home. Hell

yeah. Welcome to the show, ladies. How are you? Oh shit. Punky just found her father, everybody. This is exciting. I said that's your dad. I missed my own this. Fuck. That's my dad. Yeah. It's my uncle. So get it right. You're like she madness. It's D madness. Tony, I don't want to start with you today. Okay. Oh shit. Don't make me start with you. All right. The fuck are you doing? Look like you should be flying a helicopter. Where you going? Oh, come on. You're the wrong part of town, Tony. Oh, the band's going to jump in on this too. It's an extra long fucking rim shot there. Matt Mueling's doing his own guitar solo on this.

You got to be fucking cute. Oh, the helicopter noises. All right. Welcome. Welcome. Punky, you've done the show. Dicey, this is your first time. Dicey has a podcast called The Imperfection. We've done gigs. You ladies have worked with me for years on the road, opening and featuring and whatnot. So we're going to have fun. You guys know what you're in for. We do have one more special treat. This is a, there's a massive festival going on. So you guys want a special treat? Sweet. Joining the band tonight, former band member of the show for hundreds of episodes here for this episode. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Jetski Johnson is here, everyone. What? What is happening? Holy shit. The Stone Cold Assassin.

The Picker of Moments. The Chooser of Words. What's up? Welcome back, Jetski. I'm excited to see you and your trumpet. Glad to be back. Hell yeah. Droom, droom. So she's going to be joining the band all night. She has a live microphone because she's an established star on the show. And you guys know how it works. A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds uninterrupted standup comedy. Some people get big breaks out of this. They get work out of this show. Some people just fail miserably right in front of our eyes. And it's incredible. And it so, it fills a part. It's like bone marrow. It's like a special, high quality part of satisfaction that you get from watching somebody completely fail at their dreams. With an opportunity to really

do something great. After the 60 seconds is up, you hear the sound of a kitten. And they have to wrap it up or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which is just really a loud and annoying sound. And that's it. And then I talk to them afterwards, interview them, find out more about their lives, and they get to deal with the forces of punky, dicey, jetski, and the sound board of red band. You guys ready to start this fucking episode? Jesus Christ. You should just have like one of those fast explanation parts. Guilty knees and shoulder, which seemed like grimy beats before. Just fucking do that instead of me having to say that every episode. But I guess I have to explain it to some of these fucking, look at these weary travelers that we have.

Anyway, this is it. Let's start it with a regular everybody here with a brand new minute. This guy a regular for six months now. Make some noise for him. The legendary Hans Kim, everyone. All right. Here we go. It has begun. 60 seconds uninterrupted new material from Hans Kim. Hey, it's good to be here in Texas. I've been dating a lot more conservative women, or as I like to call them, the daughters of the Confederacy. They keep trying to break up with me, but I wind them back after four years of bloody struggle. They keep making statues to their X, and they won't take it down. Kind of annoying. I don't understand conservative women. You're just going to let men what to tell you what to do with your body. That sounds like a liberal thing to do.

You should try to win instead of just letting men win. I don't respect people who don't try to win. Good to be here. I accidentally came on this girl's sheets and she was like, oh, I have to wash these now. What a hassle. But if she came on my sheets, I want to wash those things for days. I'd wear it as a cape, go to a bar. Everyone thinks Asian women are sexy. Not everyone thinks Asian men are sexy, which doesn't make any sense, because how do you think Asian women are created? Me fucking. I'm a crucial part of the sexy process. Please stop trying to skip me. All right, thank you. Adorable. I mean, is there anything cuter in the world than a brand new minute from Hans Kim?

Welcome back, sir. Thank you for having me. Indeed. Okay. You sort of lost everybody for a second at some point, which is a rare treat coming from you. Yeah, I went political. It's four in the afternoon. Jesus, of all the days to pick your fucking politics. It was fun to watch you recover, though. Nothing better than 30 seconds into a set. Someone says, good to be here. You know what I mean? The true reset. You got red band and I to really laugh hard at that one. I love it. So what's been going on, Hans? How are you enjoying the festival? I've been having a great time. I've been socializing until 4 a.m., talking to beautiful ladies and walking them to their car and watching them drive away.

Wow. How many ladies have you walked to their car? Just one. Is that like your move or you like, can I walk you to your car? Yeah, I mean, whenever I can, I try to get them alone. Ladies, Hans has a little bit of trouble closing. Punkie is a closer. All right. I don't know if you know. Yep. They have their own entourage, of course, everybody. This is how it works. But having punkie and dicey on the show special, one of the members of their crew brought a baby with them, everybody. Just so you know what kind of thug life we're living here. My gangster friends, Dallas's dicey, New Orleans, punkie. It's my way of saying your ghetto is fucked, ladies. I'm happy to have you here. You're canceled. This is how you raise children, okay? You raise them to come

to bars and go get your goddamn packs of cigarettes. Bring it back, okay? These soft motherfuckers. Bitch, go down the street and give me a goddamn pack of cool filter cake. The baby's in a stroller. I don't think he can get cigarettes. They roll it down like a wheelchair. Hans, have you ever been with a powerful black woman before? I actually lost my virginity to a PBW. A PBW? Are you placing an order right now? Oh my goodness. Did you say PBW? What the fuck is a PBW? Powerful black woman. It sounded like a peanut butter jelly sandwich. That's what I thought. That's where I thought it. I thought it was peanut butter wafer for a second. I thought it was a peanut butter watermelon.

Okie dokie. This is why Hans can't close everybody. Sometimes you get to see it publicly right in front of your very eyes. He's a motherfucker because the whole time he was talking, I was looking for some compound chicken. I'm like, you ain't bring no spring rolls, no appetizers, no garlic noodles. What the fuck? You were useless. Dicey, what do you think about this? What's going on here? I just keep seeing Roadtrip when he got the black bitch's draw. That's just what I thought. Thank you. Now, have either of you ladies ever been with an Asian man? No. I got all the way to the M in man before I realized this is going to be a no from punky. Maybe that's how you become the level of lesbian that you are. Are you the woman

that he lost his virginity to? And you're like, I'm never doing this again. He took me to my first buffet. Oh, hell yeah. He said watermelon. I get to go in on this nigga. That's right. Absolutely. Good. Absolutely. That's what I'm going to get a dance from. Hans, did you go to college? Yeah, I went to Georgia Tech, graduated with a bachelor of science and mechanical engineering with a 2.6 GPA. 2.6? What the fuck? My heart wasn't really in it. Wow. How does that happen? How does an Asian have a 2.6 GPA? We've never heard of anything like this. What a waste of an Asian man. Yeah, exactly. You could have sent Dicey in to get a 2.6.

How does that happen? Did you not do your homework? I tried at the very last minute. I just sort of like, you know, I played more basketball. I played a lot of basketball. I played a lot of Starcraft too. Is there an Asian instrument playing over here? You played basketball? Yeah. I can't imagine how bad you must be at basketball. I'm more of like a all-around player. I run around, distract the audience. Oh, distract. Distract the audience. A very critical part of any basketball team. Is the, hey, over here, everybody. So you are Harlem Globetrotter, is what you're trying to say? Yeah, like a Chinatown Globetrotter. Wow, look at that. A CTGT.

Oh, shit. Well, Hans, you got the show started. We love you. You're a legend. New minute, every single episode is not an easy job. And thanks for coming in. Thank you very much. The great Hans Kemp. All right, this is where shit gets a little bit crazy. I'm going to pull a name out of a bucket now. Could be you that signed up, perhaps, to do stand-up for the first time. Could be someone who's been trying to get up for months, hoping to break through into the scene. Anything can happen. Your first comedian going up out of the buckets tonight goes by the name of Alden Schaub. Alden Schaub is first on Kylton. Hey, they say one in the hands worth two in the bush, unless we're talking about big fat cocks.

They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but it takes a lot longer when you're dragging a big fat cock. Yeah, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but I fear no evil before I cast a long shadow from my big fat cock. Yeah, you guys get it. Hey, I had a very expensive auto repair lately, very expensive, yeah. It cost me an arm and a leg and a big fat cock, guys. Yeah, they say a little Caesar's Pizza can feed a family of four, but so can my big fat cock. Oh, ma'am, help me remember my password. Ten letters rhymes with Matlock. Yeah, it's a big fat cock. Anyway, that's it for me. Thank you very much. Wow. Wow. An amazing piece of art right there, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, we've seen Michelangelo, we've seen...

That's all right. They're pretty funny. Wow. You are the fucking rookie of the year. Look at you. It means a lot to me. Thank you. Talking about his big fat cock. Ladies, what do you think about this? Well, for somebody who can't see their cock, you got a lot to say about your big fat cock. Oh, actually, you missed the joke. It's actually a two-part big fat cock. Yeah, two parts. That's the level. It was an elevator. That would be the different levels. Wow, look at you. I didn't miss the joke. I know you don't have a big fat cock. That's part of the joke, I suppose. You have... This laugh that he does after he says things. Your laugh is so contagious. It's crazy.

People are doing it as chortling. It's like... Let me tell you fucking something right now. That's not funny. What? Well, maybe after the show, yeah. All right, now we can't do this as you two. We can't do that. Oh, punky wants to see it. I mean, technically, you could... Well, I mean, D's blind, so you could face that way. I'm just kidding, D. I'm kidding. Covering your ears isn't going to protect you, by the way, from a big fat cock. It's more of a visual. What can you do? D would just pretend it's a big fat pussy.

Wow, he took his sunglasses off, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, very cool. Makes sense. It's like seeing the neighbor from Home Improvement for the first time, you know what I mean? It's like when you finally popped his head over the fence, it's like, oh, hey, there it is. I've always wondered. All right, let's talk about you, you big likable jolly motherfucker. You have a voice that I find to be so unbelievably comforting. Can you just say anything just for a few seconds in a row? Can you just do the pledge of allegiance or something like that? I don't know if I know that on the top of my head. I could say, hey, thanks for having me on the show. Does that sound good? Like that? I like it better when you believe in what you're saying. No, no. You said

that sort of in question form. Generally, I can't get on this because I got trivia on Monday, so, you know, this is very big deal for me. Trivia? I host trivia games, yeah. Oh, holy shit. I love that. Have we talked about this before? Actually, I met you one time at Baker Street. I think that was the first time we met when you were in town here. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I do remember that on the patio area. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. That's a good show on Tuesdays there. Trivia night. Interesting. Yeah. Are you like a trivia master? Well, so I run my own company, and so I host a game on Monday at the Barton Springs Saloon and Tuesday at the Lucky Duck, and I write my own questions, and then, yeah, it's just like my own little enterprise, you know?

Every week, I write about 40 of them. A trivia startup? Is that what that is? I think so. Well, I've been doing that for a while, but maybe like eight or nine years. Okay. It's fun. But you're good at trivia yourself? I'm horrible at trivia. I'm actually very bad at it. The skill of it is, the writing the questions precisely is sort of the skill there, yeah. Is every answer to your question my big fat cock? Jetski, the back lights have activated. Believe it or not, everybody, they get 100% every week. Look at how you laugh. It's the cutest thing. Thank you. What do you do for work? I host trivia shows. You really make money hosting trivia shows? Well, and I also host

the Lucky Duck Open Mic, and I host another Showcase at Indie World. And that's what you do for a living? Well, it's almost a living, yeah, but I'm getting there. Yeah. A lot of people come back to play trivia. Believe it or not. Yoni, get your handheld camera in close on this guy's laugh. I need the people to really get in there so that the fucking YouTube can see what the fuck I'm talking about. Now, don't lean into it. Come back over here. Come back over here. Normal interview, play it cool. Welcome to Hollywood. There we go. I love it. Tony, I can only see him shaking, and I'm really afraid he's going to fall on me. No, no, I got strong legs. It's a very bouncy structure. So let's talk about it, Alden. You do that, you do trivia, you have fun with that.

What else? What else about Alden? What would surprise us about you? Any special skills or talents or hobbies other than hosting trivia? I guess I make my own homemade hummus. What? Oh my God. Yeah, that's how I get the fat part. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I make it at home. Yeah, it's pretty easy. You make homemade hummus? Oh yeah, all the time, yeah. Fucking disgusting. No, it's so good. I just picture a kitchen sink filled with fucking frothy hummus. No, no, it's so easy. Do you have an instant pot? And just you sweating over it, just like, oh, this is going to be good hummus. No, I let the machines do all the work. You have hummus machines? No, do you have an instant pot? Yeah. What? Do you have an instant pot? No. Oh, well, then it'll take a lot longer

for you there. Yeah. And if you have an instant pot and a food processor, that's all you need. What is an instant pot? Well, you know, it's like a pressure cooker. And then you just like cook things faster in there. You just put a bunch of dry garbanzo beans in there. Oh, shit. Yeah, do you take a nap? Wow. I think a lot of people have been wondering what kind of diet did they have to go on to look like you? And yeah, this is what we're finding out. Do you want to become a big man? Oh, yeah, garbanzo beans, I guess. Throw garbanzo beans in a pressure cooker. You know, Tony, all I like to do is bust out my instant pot. That's a pretty good impression. I do, I actually give out the hummus quite a bit at the shows. People seem to like it. Yeah,

you give it out to the homeless. Well, if you could, oh, the comedians, I keep hearing homeless every time you say, well, some of the comics, maybe are homeless. So they do get the hummus. Yeah. Wow. Look at that. I smoke too much weed before this show today. It's early afternoon. Yeah. I'm kidding. Yep. Okay, Alden, anything else interesting about you other than homemade hummus? I feel like we're missing something here. I feel like you have a whole double life on the internet that you're not telling us about right now. He got bitches chained up somewhere. I tell you that you are scary as hell, man. Really? I feel like I'm very likable. He also has a variant. You are also very like, you know, I wish I was, you know, the winter's over. That sucks. Oh, yeah, I suppose.

I would love for you to hold me sometimes. I could warm. Keep people warm. I'm warm right now. Yeah, just all the time. Talk about a big spoon. This is like a fucking ladle over here. I said he's wearing a vivas. How scary can he be? A viva? Oh, I thought that was cool. I got these for six dollars. Exactly. I'm a discount howl. Yeah. Those are fat guy shoes. Oh, yeah. It's a specific kind of shoe. I mean, every shoe he's got is fat guy shoes. If I came up here with a skinny shoe, I would trip. I like your style, man. How long have you been doing stand up? I'm coming up on three years now. Okay. All of it here in Austin? Yes. This is where you're from. I'm actually from northern Michigan, so. Oh, wow. Okay. What part? Traverse City, Michigan. Yeah, I've been there

to the Traverse City Winter Comedy Festival. Oh, yeah, that's a good time. February they have. Michael Moore is from there. Yeah. Wait, are you Michael Moore? Oh, yeah. No. How about one more time for Alden Shaw, everybody? Alden, Alden, take one of these handmade leather, Texas leather joke books. The great Alden Shaw, everyone, making his Kiltoni debut. Your next comedian goes by the name of Nick Deese. Nick Deese. All right. Here he is, everybody. One more time for Nick Deese. Yeah. All right. A little bit about me. I have a black stepdad, but I also have a black stepson. So I just like to tell people that it skipped a generation. It's on his mother's side. Actually, that's a lie. My stepson's half Hispanic. So all year

around, he's just darker than I am. And he loves to let me know. The other day, he came up to me with a piece of paper and he was like, Hey, look, it's you. Then he pointed at the lines and he was like, And those are your veins. So then I grabbed a blank piece of paper and I was like, Hey, look, there's your dad. And he was like, There is nothing there. And I was like, Now you get it. And so does your mom. Yeah, I like doing that joke because I'm like, Hey man, if your dad has a problem with that, he knows where to find me. It's actually the house that he used to live in. It's actually the same bedroom. I'm like, Hey man, you know, you used to pull into this driveway and this woman and now I just pull out. So Nick, these everybody being very mean to this child. He's not mine.

Well, I mean, geez, Louise, is that what decides if you're mean to a baby or not? It's not mine. All right. Nick, welcome to the show. How long have you been on stand up four years last month? Awesome. All of it here in Austin. No, I'm actually want to get on yesterday. I'm one of his friends from Virginia. Oh, yeah, you guys took a big caravan from Virginia out here. How many you came? Three, three of us. Oh, okay. It's not quite the caravan I pictured. It was three dudes. Okay. Very cool. How's your trip been so far? It's rad. It's I've never been to Texas before. So it's pretty chill. I like it. Okay, where have you been? In general, or like, yeah, I mean, if you've never been to Texas before, I've been to Denver, New York. That's two Carolina. Okay, both Carolina.

That's sort of I guess we lost them on the third one by everybody. All you guys were like, What does Tony mean? What a weird question. I was like, I don't know where he's going. And then we lost you on three. Denver, New York, Carolina, Carolina. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? Name the fourth place you've been. Florida. Oh, that's pretty broad. Are you just guessing at this point? I'm like, I know there's like 50 states I've been like to, you know, one story, kids are, I don't know, whatever. I love it. So you're really, what's the deal? It's your, I could barely keep up with the whole story. There was so much moving at once. So you're banging a girl that has a kid? Yeah, I was. I actually just moved out like a month and a half ago. Okay, you moved out.

Yeah, we broke up. I don't know. Ask her. She did it. I like, I mean, that got sad, but Oh, no, she didn't tell you why she broke up with you. You have no idea. Maybe it's because, you know, she heard the jokes about the kid, but like, oh, the actual baby is crying, everybody. The actual baby is crying. I thought red band was over here going crazy on the sound effects button again. There's your baby. It's always good for podcasting to have a baby around. It's always, I don't know, all the best podcasts are doing it nowadays. Just have a baby. It makes it more organic. You know what I mean? We were all once that crying baby. Anyway, I love it. Nick, what else? What do you do for work looking the way you look? You work at a,

you're like a, you work at a cell phone. Fuck yeah, dude. I work at T-Mobile. Yeah. So it works at Verizon. I work at T-Mobile. Yeah, no shit. How did you know that? Probably nasty. Yeah. Well, they have good benefits. Fuck you. It's dope. I have hand tattoos. Where else can I go? I don't fucking... You're exactly right. I got cell phone vibes from you. I feel like you'd be good at that. Well, yeah, punky. What'd you just ask? She said I could be a chef. I'm having secret conversations. Yeah, I know. Also, he's white, so he would be fine. You know what I mean? He would be fine, but also, you know, you could do with all the other rest of the people do with all those tattoos. You could be a chef. They'd be in the back. Where I belong. That's cool. Yeah.

I was, I mean, I used to cook. What would you do? Put garbanzo beans in a pressure cooker? No, fuck you. Take a nap afterwards? No. I love it. So you're not with her anymore. Have you gotten any action in the month and a half that you've been single since you got your heart broken? No. No. Well, excuse me. I'm sorry. So I have to... You are not... You are a very... You are attractive ginger person. Thank you. I appreciate that, punky. Yes. You hooked me last night. I appreciate that. I did. Yeah, we had a moment. It was upstairs. For real. Yeah. I need to stop drinking this shit. It's okay. Okay. Damn. That's not an end zone. I'm just saying I need to start remembering shit, but you're a cool guy. I know they got some single bitches in here. Now, what

y'all hoes at? Come mend his broken heart now. Raise your hand, hoes. We got... I said hoes with your mustache havin' ass. What the fuck? Oh, shit. Look at this creep. I love it. Look at this. It's a weirder owl, everybody. Jesus fucking Christ. What? Hell yeah. If you're down for it, then I just need to... Yoni, you got this? Get this guy's fucking face. Look over at Yoni for a second. No over there. There you go. Yeah. These fucking people have no idea what... Sometimes I'm stuck here hosting. Just frightening faces in front of me. It is frightening. Ghouls and goblins out here. You look like Kenny G. Like, where's your saxophone? Yikes. I'm gonna shut up for the rest of the podcast. No. No, you're doing good. I'm trying to hook him up with a

beautiful woman in his fruitcake. Hey, I'm a fruitcake myself, so that's not an insult. So, Nick, I love it. Any other hobbies? What else are you into for fun? You're covered in tattoos. You must be into something cool. Yeah, I mean, I like to draw and stuff. You can draw and stuff. I like to cook and I like to draw. You like to cook and draw? I mean, yeah. Dude, you're gonna be single forever. Yeah, I know, dude. I'm not like... I'm good, man. It's cool. I don't wanna... I don't wanna fuck you. I'm sorry. You do. You have a crusty mustache. I don't wanna... I don't wanna... It is. It's frightening. It is absolutely scary. It's distracting. All right, Nick. Well, trying to figure out something about you. We must be missing something.

What's your living situation in Virginia? So, now I'm on a couch, but I was in a house. You're on a couch. Yeah, I live with a buddy of mine from work. Right. So... Isn't it like a house or an apartment in Virginia, like a couple bucks a month? He won't let me pay him, which is weird, because he has a kid and he won't take my money. Oh, shit. You're on a couch and there's like a kid being loud and fucking running around and shit. Well, yeah. I love it. I feed both of that. Like I... He lets me buy... Nurse? Yeah. Okay. Thank you. All right, Nick. You have the energy of a guy that traveled here from Virginia for this.

I'm gonna keep the show moving along. Thanks for coming on. Thank you, man. Appreciate it. Hey, buddy. Don't have any joke books. We're running out of big joke books. You know what? Let's have a special treat. You guys like special treats, right? One of the regulars on this show, ladies and gentlemen, is here. An absolute icon. A joke writing wordsmith. A roast legend. He's here. Fluent today from Los Angeles, California. Make some noise for David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Jesse Smolier went to jail and shit. Five months. He was in the courthouse talking about I'm not suicidal. It was like, why are you scared to go to jail? You're gay.

That's a vacation for you, Nick. What are you... He's gonna be the first person to go to jail and walk into the showers backwards. You're gonna drop the soap on purpose. I never believed Jesse Smolier to begin with because he said that two magna supporters tied a noose around his neck and sprayed him with bleach. And it was negative degree weather in Chicago. And one thing I know is I've never been called a nigger in the snow. That should have saved for the heat. You know what I'm saying? Ain't nobody racist at the snow, nigga. That shit don't happen.

All right, guys, thank God. The great David Lucas. Hell yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful. Brand new shit. I love it. Side by side West. Hell yeah. Tony was doing a wet t-shirt contest on Sixth Street. You were doing a wet t-shirt contest at Wing Street. Wing Street. Hell yeah. You're fat. Welcome back, David. I'm always happy. I've been seeing you in a couple of weeks. Yeah, that collar around your neck looked like urinated on cotton balls. Okay, well, well, I mean, you would know what cotton's like. I was born and raised in an all-black neighborhood. I'm allowed to do those types of jokes. You're

not allowed to do those types of jokes. You're not allowed to do those. I hate you. I hate Tony Brad. That was bad. I'm just kidding. If he was alive back in those days, David would have just picked cotton candy. If you were alive during those days, you would have been a comfort girl. I don't even know what that means, but I love it. That means the woman that takes care of all the white people that come to the plantation, taken to the back of the house, you know, sucking, sucking real quick. Oh, this seems like fun. I want to get roasted, too. Tell me something about me. Judge me. You carry condoms next to your tampons. Wait, give me more. You look like the nigga that shot Ricky in Boys in the Hood.

I let that nigga out. I let him break it. I let him break it. I love you. David Strong is a bully of the roasting club, right? What else you been doing? What else is going on? I just did Zaini's this weekend in Nashville. Nice. I was late. I was supposed to be here yesterday, but I was drinking at the bar and threw up when I was bored and they went there to get on my plane. You threw up when you were boarding the airplane? No, for real, bro. That shit was real, man. What the hell happened? My dog Brian had to take all my shit. He flew it here to Austin before I got here. Your dog Brian? Is this a service dog? My homie. That's stupid. Oh, shit. Yeah, bro, I was fucked up yesterday. Okay, so wait, were you

throwing up like before they started boarding, during boarding? Like when exactly? Like tell us what happened. So, you know Jelly Roll, the musician, everybody know Jelly Roll, the musician out of Nashville. Yeah. Who? Jelly Roll. He's a big time like gangster country singer slash rapper. Okay. Pretty big. And I was drinking with him all weekend. And then I got to Atlanta and you know what they say, like if you want to get rid of a hangover, like drink more liquor. So I drunk more liquor. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, they don't have a dog is basically like one bill one shot. You drank? I was drinking. Oh, yeah, you was fucked up. Yeah. Damn. So when did you start throwing up? I felt sick when I left the bar, but I was like,

you know what, I'm gonna just touch this shit out and swallow it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fat guy thing to do. That's how you know David's not a bulimic. He'll swallow it back down. He's like, I'm not wasting this. Yeah. And then when I got to boy, it was like, fuck that. Right. It's like a whale spouting. Oh, no. So you were just spraying everywhere. There was no chance that we're gonna let you on. Jesus, David, what if somebody had video of that? What if you went viral like that one guy at the baseball park that was throwing up on himself? I hope nobody did. I mean, when I'm at the airport, I dress pretty incognito. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Incognito. Yeah. David, were you wearing a mask when you were throwing up on the airplane? No, I don't wear

a mask in the airport. That's the one time you should wear a mask when you're throwing up in the airport. I don't wear a mask until I get on the airplane. You know what I'm saying? And then I really don't wear a mask. It depends on where I'm flying. If I'm in coach, they make you wear the mask, but in first class, they don't say shit. Right. Yeah. COVID is for poor people. Yeah. It's true. They never say shit to me when I'm in first class, but when I'm in coach, that shit dropped to the middle of your nose. Put that mask up. Oh my God. It's so true. Yeah. In first class, if you fall asleep and your mask falls down, they just come over. Yeah. They don't say shit, bro. They say zero, dog. I have my mask off on

the table. You know what I'm saying? So I will tape a strata by mouth not to put a mask on. Yeah. I always look like I'm drinking. You know what I'm saying? Right. Right. But the mask about to be gone with mid-April on airplanes. On airplanes mid-April, I think. Great. Fucking pointless bullshit. Yeah. Anyway, David, what else is going on? You excited about anything at the festival this week? I don't really know. I'm just here. Yeah. I guess you're right. You're out there puking in airports in Nashville. I guess you don't really have any plans. Shit. But I'm in San Diego this weekend. I'm at the live factory Friday for two shows. And then sometime in San Diego. Yeah. They got a little bullshit ass live factory.

Oh, wow. Yeah. And then not only does he perform at the live factory, he also performs at the chocolate factory. And then I'm in Naples, Florida in May, I think May 4th. And then May 8th, I'm at Side Splitters in Tampa. Side Splitters? That's fitting for you. What you got? Ass Splitters? Oh, you son of a bitch. How dare you? How dare you? I love it. All right, David. Well, another unbelievably great performance. So much fun. Roast Lord. Great comedian. One of the newest touring headliners. David Lucas. You know what? Let's do another special treat back to back. Let's just go right into it. We have another one. In the history of the show that's traveled all around the world, hundreds and

hundreds and hundreds of episodes of this show. There's only been eight or nine people ever that have won something called a golden ticket, which means they get to perform anytime they're at that show for eternity. This guy is here. He's from Canada. This is Jared Nathan, everybody. I was watching a documentary on cannibalism. If I had to eat someone, I would take their arms and legs, hold them on a barbecue. Then I would go outside and smoke a joint. Get it? I would take it down with a fine Q-A-T.

Okay, that's a minute from Jared Nathan. Hell yeah. You got through it. Little hard to understand today. I love it. The medicine works better at night or something like that. I love it. Welcome back to the show, Jared. You're alive. It kills all the time. It takes a second to adjust to the sound of your voice. It is abrupt. I'm an acquired taste. He's an acquired taste. Just so that my friends here who are scared to death for their lives right now know, why don't you tell them what do you have? Do you have a condition or something? What do they call you? What do doctors call you? No, red band. No, he's not a seal. I am globally delayed. Globally delayed. All right. That's a fancy way of putting it.

I don't know. AKA internationally retarded. See, that's a lot funnier. That's sort of what I was looking for there. I feel you. I love it. Dicey, what do you think about this guy? I mean, I think he smokes weed, so we'll be good friends. And I've never fucked a white man, but I consider you. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Imagine if this is the first white dude. Hell, yeah, he's going to just throw you around the room and shit. Just lift her up, put her up against the wall. I'm going to fuck you. Tony, he's going to be done fucking up before he could say it. I'm going to... I can't...

Hell, yeah. Jared, have you ever been with a black woman before? I have. Now I get it, Tony. Now I get why he talks like that. Hell, yeah, that's what happened. Before he hooked up with a black woman, he sounded like me. Perfect enunciation. One of the sweetest talkers in all of... Stupid. Jared, when you were with a black woman, did you notice something? Is there any differences that you noticed being with a black woman that's different than being with a white woman? A lot more open. A lot more open. Like a lot more... Wait, how did the Migos get in here? I think what he's trying to say is the black of the berry, the sweet of the juice, yeah.

Oh, shit. This bitch is about to throw her baby off the balcony. She's gonna have her. D-Madness is leaving. He's literally seen enough. Now I have to keep going. We have to go longer. Jared, if you had a chance at hanging out with Dicey, if she wanted to get romantic with you, right, what would be your first move? Where would you start with a delicious dish like Dicey? Hell, yeah, he is hard as a rock right now. Speechless. Truly thinking about it. I like it when the guests actually listen to the question and think about an answer. That's what Elon Musk does. I know how to use my tongue.

We're not whipping it through the glass. I'm sorry, Tony. Nigga, no, you don't. You don't. You don't know how to use your tongue, but... That's true. Punky is the decider of who can eat pussy and who can't. A lot of people don't know. She's the judge. She's like the Gordon Ramsay of that shit. She just comes over your shoulder and yells at you. Jared, can you show us maybe a little bit of your pussy eating technique? Perhaps you could face the Yoni. Where the fuck's the Yoni at? This guy, our camera guys, never anywhere to be found. Here he is in the darkness. Just look right at him. Right down the barrel there. Okay. Well, no, don't go that way, Yoni. Go in the middle of the room. Geez, Yoni. Get in the... Go get in

the middle of the fucking room. Why do I have to tell you this? How do you tell... I want the audience to see how his pussy eating. We need a camera for you, Yoni. We need a camera guy that just films Yoni filming the show. Just so everyone can see how silly his movements. His instincts are just wrong. All right, Jared. Whoa. Oh, shit. Wow. This place is chaos. Look at you. The Canadian convoy himself, Jared Nathan, is here. There was a moment where nobody believed he could eat pussy. And then all of a sudden, that tongue just flickering out with an incredible bonus amount of

drool and extra lubrication. That is incredible. Yeah, punky. One thing before you get out, I don't mean to be serious, but yo, you got mad heart. You come out here, you be who the fuck you are. You keep it genuine and organic with yourself. Mad, mad love and respect. Straight up. Mad love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was beautiful, Jared. Very good work. Congratulations. You're going to be here tomorrow as well, right? Yeah. All right. You're having fun. Everything good? You happy? Yeah. I'm fucking happy. There it is. Jared Nathan, everybody. Tony. Yeah. What a great golden ticket. Isn't that cool? Great golden ticket. I agree. Very fun stuff. All right, let's keep this fun train moving along. Let's see what happens next.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Michael Ridley. Right out of the bucket. Seems like a new name. Yo, what's good? I'm Asian, but I'm also half white. I'm a fortune cracker. So half my family talks like this and the other half talks like that. I'm a Filipino Southern Asian from Virginia. I'm three of three. What's good? What's good, Austin? Motherfuckers really out in Austin, dude. I went to Tennessee to do some work for the CDC. They didn't even have vaccinations out there. I just stood in the line and coughed in people's mouths. Just an Asian ass cough in all the rednecks mouths.

The yellow feller done coughed in my mouth. I'm sorry. They don't even have vaccination cards out there. They just go, you just go down to the office depot, get you some card stock and go down to the library. We'll just burn them out. Scribble something on there. Joe Biden don't need to know about that. What's up? There you go, Michael Ridley. We need a stand-up comedy. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show, Michael. Yeah, dude, what's up? How are you? This is your first time on here, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years, baby. Wow. Where are you? Virginia Beach, Newport News,

and now the one from Virginia. Did you come with the crew as well? Yeah, I did. You're the third person? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. That's incredible. Yeah. Hell yeah. See your friends with the red-headed guy with the tattoos. Yeah, yeah, kind of. Oh, shit. Probably not anymore. Wow. You guys have some drama on the air. No, no, we're fine. We're homies, man. He helped me out. Okay. He's the reason why I got here. Very cool. He posted a video of me at a local club, and one of my homies saw it, and they sponsored my trip and flew me out here, dude. Wow. So, if it wasn't for Nick Deese, I wouldn't be right here right now. So, I love that, dude, yo. That's great. I thought it's like you're accepting an Academy Award or something like that.

Your name got pulled out of a bucket. That's great. So, eight years, all of Virginia Beach, what keeps you there? What do you do for work? I fucking, I'm a purchaser for a body shop, so I buy the parts and shit. I'm a parts manager. It's fucking, it's a nightmare. Yeah. It's a logistical nightmare, yeah. Okay. How did you get into that? I was doing oil changes and getting tired of that, and I just hopped around from auto shop to auto shop. So, like, I'm like into cars and shit. Okay. I build like Miata's and shit. Oh, okay. Yeah. What do you think about that? Let me ask you this. What do you think about that new mid-engine Corvette? They're fucking gnarliest fuck, and I saw somebody actually drop one on a lift at one of my jobs.

Drop one on a lift. Like, it was on the lift and it fell because it's really shitty. Holy shit. When you look underneath, you can't like put it on a lift. It's like weird. Like, where you, where it looks like you could raise it and doesn't. So, I totally understand why somebody could totally fuck one up. How far did it drop? Like, it sideways, and the posts, like, go through the quarter, and it was all fucked up. Like, just dangling like this, dog. Oh, no. And those are old boomer white dudes. Like, man, you fucked up my goddamn Corvette, the new C8 dude. Right. Yeah, you don't want to piss that dude off. He is like, definitely don't want to piss that guy off. So what kind of car do you drive?

Oh, I drive a Tacoma X runner because I'm Filipino. And that's like, it's like the, I thought you'd have like a Hyundai or something. No, fuck Korea. Whoa. And you're Filipino, you said? Yeah, I'm a jungle Asian. I'm seen as lesser. Wow. Hans looks down to me. Hell yeah. You're Asian. You can say that. The last time I saw someone do such a insulting impression of Asians on this stage, it was me. You came out here, guns ablaze and fucking brazing. Absolutely. What do you love about being Filipino? I love how I'm basically like the vatos of the Asians. And white people love Lumpia and Ponset. And it's just like, I don't know,

every time there's a, every time there's like a holiday party at work, they're like, so you're going to bring that Ponset. You're going to bring those, you're going to bring those egg rolls, you know, with the pork in it. And I'm like, all right, whatever. Let me hit up my plug. Right. Because I don't, I don't know how to do that shit, dude. I'm half white. Okay. Very, very interesting. Yeah. You seem like the kind of guy that watches Fast and the Furious on your phone all the time. No, dude, I saw Tokyo drift and then I moved to Japan like a year later. Are you serious? Same situation like military kid flies out. Yeah. Gets kicked out of school, flies to Japan to go live with his dad. Really? Like a month after I saw Tokyo

drift, I was living it son. That is the most Asian shit ever. You saw play that fucking theme song and you're like, I gotta get the fuck out of here and go live my dreams. How long were you in Tokyo? I was actually in Okinawa. Okay. Yeah. It's a small island off of the Japan. Indeed. It's like the Hawaii Tori Hanso is from there. Fuck yeah. It's dope as fuck, man. I want to buy a condo there one day when I got hella monies. Okay. I got the big dreams. Okay. It's a hard S at the end of that monies and monies. I love it. Yeah. What? Me on my mic. Oh, my man. Yeah. What's up? I saw you last night too. Oh, shit. What's good, bro? Oh, shit. Okay. No, hell no. She had to touch me like that because I'm

patient zero with COVID. She don't want to touch me like that. The way you was coughing in that mic nigga, I feel like I need a nose swab. Yeah. We're my unvaccinated people that let's make out. Get you some antibodies real quick. Christ. This guy's out of control. I've never seen an Asian on crystal meth before. This is exciting. Yeah, dude. Thanks. I'm hyper hydrosis Tony at Jesus. Excuse me. Yeah. What happened last night? What happened last night? I don't know. We got drunk as fuck and watched a bunch of homeless people fighting the alley. She was dope. I didn't tell you nothing crazy last night. No, no, we're just tapping up and yeah, it's just like drunk shit. Like, hey, what's good. Okay. Yeah,

what's here? Well, I appreciate you. Yeah, I appreciate you. I love you. I love you. I love you too, punky. No, I respect anybody in this goddamn game. Anybody in this comedy game. Yep, man, it's the heart. This one of the hardest jobs out here in the street, man. You got heart. You got heart. Yeah. And Tony roast everybody. Is that a mullet? Is that an Asian mullet? Yes, it is dude. Oh my god. That's the Ogon. Motherfucking. It's what? It's a fucking Asian mullet, dude. I get pussy, dog. Oh, wow. My riddle pony, dude. I love it. My riddle pony, dude. That's me, baby. I'd be clapping cheeks. Hell yeah. My fucking wife loves this motherfucking mullet, dude. My wife told me she was

like, keep the mullet. I was debating on cutting and she was like, no, keep the mullet because it's like this character. And I really just want to buy a race car bed so you can fuck me in it. And I was like, all right. Wow. And I sent that to my barber and he posted it on my story of me like sitting in the chair getting all edged up and shit. And it cuts to that message from my wife. I love you, Chelsea. Hey, I'm married, man. I'm fucking Asian dude with a white wife, dude. That's a flex. How long have you been with her? Six years, dog. It is incredible. And to think you have all that and have a down's ear face than Jared Nathan. I mean, they're half Filipino. Half white is just a white guy with full blown down syndrome.

Getting motherfucking retard in Texas, baby. How long are you in town for? I'm here until the 22nd. What's that? I don't know what day it is. You want to do a quick set tomorrow at the secret show? Yes, please. Look at that. There he goes. Michael Ridley. How cool is that? Yeah. Just got a spot out of all this. Wait a second. Is that really your Instagram handle? Chinky sweat. Yeah, that's me, dude. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm chinky. I'm sweaty. Little Caesar's hot and ready, dude. Whoa. Holy shit. He's your mom's spaghetti.

My knees are weak, bro. My arms are heavy. Fuck. All right. We're spinning bars. Is this shit going down right now? Are you going to go all the way? I'm kidding. There he goes. Michael Ridley, everybody. Yeah. He's on Instagram at, well, you heard what he said. I'm pulling another name out of this bucket. We having fun out there? Make some noise for Rodney Smith. Here we go. Rodney Smith. Here he is, everybody. Rodney Smith. How's it going? All right. I think they should reserve the pronouns they, them for fat people and not the mentally ill.

Woo. It's only going to get worse. Okay. So if you don't like that one, Lizzo is a queen. Burger queen. They told me I'm way too scrawny to make that joke. And, you know, they said never make a joke about somebody unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. But let's be honest, Lizzo's never walked a mile in her own shoes so I can get away with that shit. I'm newly single, so I've been vigorously trying to get my dick sucked in Texas. And, guys, I think I've cracked the code, so pay attention. When you meet a woman, you don't want to pursue her way too much right off the bat. You want to keep things short and sweet. The key is do not be short and sweet.

All right. Thank you. All right. Rodney Smith coming in, guns ablazing, book in hand, pen on the book. Now you sit your book down. Yes, sir. I don't need it. You don't use that book for interviews at all. No. How's it going, Rodney? I'm good, man. I'm kind of nervous. It's weird. I don't really get nervous, but, you know. Makes sense. It's a really, really big deal to be on this show. Yeah. No, I've, you didn't know it was going to happen, but there was a chance it was going to happen, and now it's happening and anything can happen. And you're in that moment right now. But if you think about it too much, it'll freak you out, so don't think about it. Yeah. Anyway, how long have you been on stand-up? I just started

about two weeks ago taking it seriously. Wow. That's great. Congratulations. Welcome. Very cool. What made you want to start this? I've been making memes and doing music and stuff like that, so I just kind of, you know, I was tired of being a meme lord and getting called a pussy online, so. Right. Now you want to be called a pussy right here, to your face. Hell yeah. There's a lot of bullies here tonight. Did you have any like famous memes that we might know? I did. I've had a lot of viral memes, and I sound like such a douchebag bragging about that, Dex. It's such a loser thing. Yeah. I made the one, maybe you saw it was a Joe Biden's face, and it said, me at the Grote, or it said, me at the grocery store, I don't need to write this down,

and it had Joe Biden's face, and it went super viral, like a lot of famous people reposted it. Like who? It's your meme, you know exactly what famous people- Donald Trump Jr. reposted it, he actually follows me. Oh come on, this is Texas, grow some balls. Don't fuck this place up too, all right? Shut up. After he did that, did you go to your doctor and have plastic surgery to look like him? That'd be nice, man. I'd like some of that Trump money. I feel bad turning my back towards you. Thank you. Wow, so much respect. This first person, I'm just staring at everybody's sweaty backs all night. Incredible. So let's talk about it, Rodney. What do you do for work? I used to be an aerospace mechanic, but then I got arthritis, and then, pussy. So now I work in finance. So I read a

bunch of finance books, and I applied, and I'm tall and white. How the fuck did you get arthritis? What's up? I just, like my immune system just went whack, and I just started getting like stiff joints and shit. It was, yeah. Stiff joints and shit. Yeah, so now I'm good though. What happened? What changed? I just, they put me on some medicine initially, and luckily I'm young enough to wear, so when old people get arthritis, they're all old and fucked up with their immune system. But so if you catch it when you're young enough and you kind of kick it in the ass, you can kind of, wow. How old are you? I'm 32. 32. Yeah. Okay. What is this? Oh, you're just playing the streets of Philadelphia, because red band thinks that arthritis and AIDS are the same thing.

Everybody, you're wondering what's happening here. It's because red band is uneducated in unbelievable ways. Perfect reference. Everyone will get the AIDS song is for the arthritis. My immune system's not that good. You know you're a pussy when red band's roasting you about your health, specifically about your immune system. Look at this fucking, no he said that. And I regret it. And I regret it. Rodney, welcome, welcome. What do you like to do for fun? I'm kind of on my hard-o shit right now. What is that? What is that? Where I listen to like Joe Rogan tell me to work out every morning and well over videos and kicking bags and shit like that. Hell yeah. So what do you do? You work out sometimes? Yeah, I started. I know I'm scrawny,

but you know, so I've been working out just trying to get, you know, trying to get healthy again. Hell yeah. Dear me. What's that? Dear me. Yes. You're like lacking confidence. You know what? I'm gonna have punky eat your pussy. We're gonna make you a man today. I mean, Tony, it's gonna cost. She's not free. She's going to eat your pussy so hard that a dick is gonna appear after it's all over. She's going to suck you inside out to fucking make a man out of you dude. It is what it is. I mean, I'm really new to stand up. So this is the first time I've ever been in front of a crowd. It's usually just other disgruntled open mic comedians just staring at me like I'm some crazy right winger. Right now there's just a bunch of normal audience paying

audience members thinking you're a crazy right winger. Can I ask him a question? Yeah, where were you on January 3rd? No, go ahead. No, go ahead. Ask your questions. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. What do you have? So you, you know, you come out here talking about big black women and then you talk about Donald Trump. Yeah. Like so you don't like like what? What? What? How am I supposed to feel about you? What's the question? Where does that leave me? Don't make us come up there and give you a fucking oriole sandwich. What do you have against? What do you have against big black women? I got nothing against big black women, but you know, the joke's a joke. Oh, this nigga before he even happened. All right. All right. President Trump, get out of here.

Trying to call in. It jokes a joke. Yeah, I know. I know this guy's a fucking piece of shit. So Rodney, what else? Tell us something. Tell us something cool about you. We've learned that you have a weak immune system that you're a huge pussy and the arthritis. Give us a redeeming quality. Like there must be something cool in some way that you do something. I can rap. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out. We are doing this. You tell, when Michael Gonzalez comes back from consciousness, you're going to have to tell him what beat you want because we absolutely, can you rap to the streets of Philadelphia? I'd rather not. Am I going to get a drum beat or is that all right? Okay. Yeah. Get it out of here. Can I just get like a mad, mad insisting that it's

we do have it looped. Red Band has looped it. So technically, if you have any rap skills, you can rap to this. All right, fuck it. Just about the point where you can't deny it. Mind all of my face, but you still be violent and you don't got to let me know why I stopped trying. Yeah, I'm already paid. This is a passion project. Yeah. Never really gotten trouble growing up, even though wow was the worst one. But now I'm on the internet blowing up and bitches really let me like blow and blunts. I like it though when she at hard to get because I'm gonna be hard to reach after I hit and I ain't really shit yet. It's not a secret and I don't like to brag just the modest reasons and I can make slaps with sticks and pants and I can push a coupe in the rain in

Japan and I can make it boo say ooh god damn and make us with mine like she got a man. If she cheat on him, then she cheated on you. That beat sucked ass, dude. That beat was fucking terrible. I think you did good. I think you did good. That was great. You did a lot better than I thought you were going to do. Are y'all clapping for that shit? That wasn't rap. That was fucking country music. Come on. You're not going to give me anything for that beat for the shit that I got accused of being. You could have at least fucking rhymed gingivitis with arthritis or something like that. We wanted to hear something true to you. That was. Yeah man, a joke's a joke, a pizza beat. The Jet Ski is here. Rodney, thank you for rapping for us. Thank you for coming up. It's good to

get all different shapes and sizes of people up here. Welcome to stand up comedy. You seem happy about it. Congratulations. We'll see you in the future. Thank you so much. Rodney Smith. You know what? We're having fun here. That's a great idea. Yeah. I'm going to pull until we get a female out of this bucket. How about that? Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, Liz Splatt. You know her. She's been crushing. She's been on this show before. This is a force. Hey, what the fuck is up fellas? Have you guys ever had dicks so good you start saving up for the abortion? Wow. Sometimes people in Texas don't like it when I do that joke. And I'm always like, man,

I'm sorry. I'm going to keep doing these jokes because I'm killing it. You know what I'm saying? If anything cowboy hat, that's a second amendment joke. You know, and sometimes after those two stellar fucking jokes, people still don't like it. And I'm like, man, what are you guys, babies? Babies don't like abortion. Those are my three back to back abortion jokes. I'm done, I guess. All right. There you go. Wow. Thank you. You had you had a few seconds left in your set, but you know, it's good to end things early sometimes in the end. She was done after the first one. That was beautiful. You almost brought the whole set to term.

I would never bring anything to term. Liz Splatt, you are a fucking force to be reckoned with. You come up here every time just smashing, commanding the audience, complete different fucking confidence and swagger than that lanky vitamin D deficient moron. I hated that guy. So unlikable. By the way, he was a great rapper, but he's so unlikable. Nobody gave a fuck. I think it's kind of like literally nobody wanted to be like, yeah. No, we were all plotting on the demise for sure. He's lyrically talented. Yeah. Liz, you're here. You're back. How's life been since the last time I saw you? Dude, life has been trill as heck. The first one that I was on got me like a shit ton of followers. And then I got so famous I've reached peak fame. Somebody made one of those

fake Instagram accounts of me. Oh shit. Yeah. And they had like a porn link for it. Oh hell yeah. I was like, what the fuck? I wonder if it's just like, you know, like Molly in a wig, you know, but they put her boobs on her ass. Right. You know, even D madness got I'm with you. Liz splats the real deal. Liz hooks up with all the black men that punky doesn't look at twice. What's up? Up. Yeah, that's the economy, dude. That's it. Call that the old tricks. They spit in my mouth. You know, the old trickle down economy. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.

Liz is like a real like, like, like, yeah, this is like a real one. What a real one. Wait, what are you saying? What is she saying? I don't want secrets. Punkie has this weird podcast. Oh, wait, I want to know where she talks to you without a microphone. Literally. I mean, why don't we just bring two babies to the show next time? I mean, what is going on here? What do we have? What do we have a little daycare area? Kill Tony. No one's spitting in my mouth. I was trying to do a thing and it didn't go well. It was just like awkward afterwards. You know, my dad watches this. I regret it every time. Every time I talk about fucking black guys, they don't know what I do at night, you know? Right. Your parents don't know

what you do at night. Yeah, man. And you sneak out. Do you still live with your parents? No, no, no. I live, I'm from Dallas. There's some man, there's some man in prison right now for raping your ass at 16 and he really didn't do it. She's one of them white chicks. Wait, what? I don't trust your ass no more. Somebody in jail, right in the jail. Because of this bitch, your daddy said something in the jail. He's innocent. Ballotate him. This bitch is crazy. She wanted to be spitting her fucking mouth. Free my niggas. I'll be the crazy bitch. Punky motherfucking Johnson. Unbelievable. I feel the opposite. Yes, the opposite. I feel like you're a star. Thank you, dude. You're a great writer. Thank you, bro. You made it all come

back around this shit. I got scared that I was going to get like this thing that she just said and people are going to think that I like accuse people of rape, but I'm a star. I'm not a, I don't accuse people of rape, dude. That's right. That's not cool, bro. Nicely talking shit. Wait till your brother go to jail, bitch. What you gonna do with it? He's gay. He's gay. She can still get him. She's white. Hey, it's true. Listen, I don't know what just happened. Liz, what you been doing for fun? Anything cool at the festival? No, man, dude, I've been having a roommate drama, bro. Tell us about this roommate drama. Okay, okay. So I got five roommates, right? Yes, bitch. I got five roommates. Yeah, you're a real comedian. That's how you know someone's

funny when they're like, I have five roommates. One of the six roommates are always hilarious. Hold on, dude. One of them has a gorophobia, bro. She hasn't left the house in like a year. No way. I swear to God. Holy shit. It's so scary. And my cat keeps fucking her up. You can just feel the weird vibes on her, dude. Your cat's just assaulting your reclusive roommate? Yes, and she'll scream at the top of her lungs. She'll be like, let's get your cat! Have you filmed this? Now I've run down the stairs and I'm on a phone call. Come on, work. You got TikTok this shit. You got gold on here. I know, dude. Prison Mike comes up in a room and he's like, I'll fucking kill you, bro, because she feeds the possums outside. Oh shit, even she knows.

Yo, the streets, no, dude. Wow. You are right. She is from the streets. She brought a baby here. Oh, I know. I don't know if I've mentioned that. I know. It's our friend Jasmine from Los Angeles. She had a baby a couple of years ago and now it's fucking sitting in a stroller. Facing the wall across from the men's room. Literally, anybody can just go up. You can poke it if you want. It's just right up those stairs. It's a real live exposed baby. It's literally unlike anything you've seen in your entire life. It's just on the way to the men's room, you can just poke it if you want. Where is it at? Oh God, is she doing the Michael Jackson shit? No. We do have to bring the baby up at some point. My guess is the baby is going to have

like the third best set of the night at this rate. Hell yeah. Liz, incredible. So you have roommate drama. I love it. I just think you're unbelievable. I'm doing a stand-up show that's sold out here tonight. What about it, Tony? You want to do a little guest spot on it? I would love to do a little guest spot on it, girl. She'll be there. And I'd love to have you on tomorrow too. I can't do the secret show. I'm at the Addison improv and then actually Akash put me on at the LOL this Friday. Look at that. The guy from the first episode. Wow, that's great. We're getting points. This is the perfect example of the light side of the moon here on Kill Tony is that all these people get this opportunity and some of them are disappointed or this or that and then

someone like Liz comes up here week after week after week and gets five gigs from this one gig continuously and that you're doing everything absolutely right. Yeah, I was just thinking, you know, like you said the light, I feel like I got to lose weight because I'm starting to look like the light side of the moon for real. You are. You're like if Amy Schumer was funny. Amy Schumer is in better shape to me. That's what fucks me up, dude. No, I'm getting to like a white Nicole Byer level, bro. No, that's a deep cut. I didn't realize that'd be a deep cut. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? They have to know what I mean. That was a compliment he gave you. Okay, cool, cool, cool. I don't know. Okay, you're very, very, you're very, very funny. I love

your manipulation and jokes as the shit. I love you. Stay away from black menu, bitch. Okay. There she goes. Liz Splat, everybody. Punky got mad at her. Liz Splat. All right. Just go straight to her, right? Yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this. There's one regular left, a man that has been part of the show longer than anybody ever in the show's history. With a brand new minute, just like every episode before, opening for Rogan, been opening for me on the road everywhere, touring the country.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is William Montgomery. I'm Asian, but I'm also half white. That would have been so much better if I didn't fucking stumble all my words. Who is running the fucking air conditioner here? Seriously, it's fucking freezing in here. Where is that fucking guy? Here's a bad idea. Lego condoms. Comedian Pete Davidson is blasting off to space this week as the only nonpaying member of the crew. Ticket prices for the flight are unknown, but it sure was nice of Kanye West to cover Pete's bill.

More like Sin Good. I thought that last one was going to go so much better. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new minute. It's so nice to be here. I had a real busy morning. Yeah, tell us about your busy morning. Well, every year when South by Southwest comes around, I will hit the streets. I used to fly here once a year for the festival. I go in the alleyways, I look for homeless people, and then I fucking knife them. I have killed three fucking homeless people since last night.

Wow. Holy shit. Why would you fucking do that, you dumbass? Why would you do that, redhead? That's awesome, man. I'm congratulating you. This is stupid fucking noise you just chose. So when you're stabbing these innocent homeless people, William, do you approach them when they're sleeping or do you like having an awake victim? I like it. I catch the ones that are drunk. I will follow them around. I will end up hitting them in the head with something.

Like usually, what do you hit them in the head with? Because I can't really picture you carrying anything with you, like a hammer? I have like a night stick I carry around. People actually have written about me. I am the night stick. I have murdered probably 30 fucking homeless people. I swear to God, I can't fucking get enough of it. It is such a fucking rush in those alleyways. How does it make you feel? God, it makes me fucking feel so alive when I'm hearing the shrieks of these homeless people.

I hit them in the head with the fucking night stick. I start choking them with both of my hands. They're like, what are you doing? I start choking harder. It's a whole, it's a whole ordeal. Do you ever let any of them go? Do any of them ever beg for their lives and convince you? None have ever escaped. And I'm actually starting to think this was a horrible fucking mistake to start to talk about this. Literally, they do know somebody is the night stick. I don't know why the fuck. I would have just called myself out right there. I am the fucking night stick. Is this why you've been dressing up, wearing a lot of camouflage lately? We've noticed that you are blending in with everything that you stand in front of.

Nothing better than camouflage and white legs with penny loafers to blend in to wherever you are. I mean, unless you are standing at a, next to a plant. I can actually run really fast in these shoes. They're non-slip. Because I swear to y'all, when I start hitting them in the head, in the body, in the arms, in the legs with that night stick, man, the blood is fucking flowing and I need a good non-stick. Protecting on the bottom of my fucking shoes. So these actually do a pretty good job. Okay. It was such a mistake me bringing up being the night. Dicey, what do you think about this guy? I think he's so much more enjoyable than the other ginger that was up there earlier. That's good. He's a better rapper too. Yeah.

Yeah. Who was that dumb ass? No, I'm kidding. I thought you did really good. I'm kidding. I only said that because I think he's going to shoot me behind the fucking building after this. I got real weird vibes from that guy. Wow. William, what else has been going on when you're not murdering innocent homeless people? I've been playing a very fun zombie apocalypse Nintendo game. Oh, that's always fun to talk about during an interview. And I have also, well, I've also, I just remembered, I discovered if you get a good chicken noodle soup and you cut up like four or five hot dogs, man, it is so good. It really makes sense. This is the second episode in a row in which you have talked about dropping. He has a crock pot and he started making soup.

He became addicted to soup a few weeks ago. Basically started eating exclusively only soup, three meals a day. You would make different soups even all the way to perhaps your pasta visuals or your corn chowders. He's half Asian. That's understandable. They eat a lot of soup. He's not, he's not really half Asian. No, I actually am half Asian. No, you're not. I'm actually half Asian. Not a lot of people know that about me. Somebody say that tonight. You put those signs on. I'm half Filipino. Seriously, I'm half Filipino. People don't know that about me. It says it on my fucking birth certificate. I'm half Filipino.

Half Filipino. God. I got fucking high as shit before this. Now words are fucking escaping my man. Half Filipino. That is just deep rooted in your DNA. God. I see racism right there. I ain't one of those goddamn jalapenos. Oh no. Oh no. Wow. You are incredible. Oh no. You just called an entire ethnicity jalapenos. I was trying to say Filipino, but fucking jalapeno came out. How embarrassing. That is so embarrassing. I can't believe I just did that. How embarrassed are you right now? I'm pretty fucking embarrassed. All right. I tried to fucking call a whole fucking race of people a pepper.

A whole fucking race of people a jalapeno pepper. Hell to mess up like that. Quit fucking doing that. It really is embarrassing. I'm not fucking around. It really is embarrassing. Quit fucking doing that. Yes, punky. Can we get security? This is dangerous. They're not even a race of people. You know what? I'm not even gonna go there. I get tiger king vibes from you. That's what I get. Tiger king who should be like on a ski slopes or some shit, you know. What is tiger king? I have heard people talk about.

Punky, I'm kidding. I know exactly what tiger king is. He's actually a big inspiration. I love that guy. Where is that guy? He's another jalapeno that you like. Where is that guy? All right. William, I noticed that you've been holding the microphone extra gently with your fingertips as of late. You just had both hands on it a second ago. Was that a new way there? Yeah, I do that sometimes. Hey, do you do that a lot where you hold the microphone like a piccolo? It doesn't look like that. It doesn't look like that.

It does. It's like. There's no way it looks like that. It doesn't look like that. Yeah, huh? It doesn't look like that. Yeah, it does. For sure. I don't think it looks like that. Yeah. Punky's pulling up people playing the piccolo right now and she's going to show you pictures. I don't think it fucking looks like that. William looks like the fried piper. What'd you just fucking say? The fried piper? Fried. The fried piper. Yeah, she fucking got you good, dude. That's Jetsky Johnson, legend of the show. How about a hand for William Montgomery, everybody? Boom. We did it.

Sell by Southwest, unofficial Kill Tony episode. The drawing from Ryan Jebelt is in. That is dicey and punky here on Kill Tony. Every print available at ryanjebelt.com. Merch for sale in the corner. How about a hand for the band, everybody? What a special treat. All the way from Los Angeles. Comedy store employee, top-level alumni of Kill Tony. How about one more big Amber Jetsky Johnson, everybody? One more hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Mueling on guitar. And the great D-Madness on the bass. Punky and dicey have a new podcast coming out on the Kevin Hartson Network called Let's Talk About

It. So go find that. Dicey has a podcast called The Imperfection. Of course, punky is, as of course, we all know, one of the amazing stars of the current cast of the legendary show Saturday Night Live. And her and I worked together at the comedy store for over a decade. And it's so fun to see your wild, wild success that I always said was right around the corner. I love you, boy. There you go. I love you, Missy Hinchkiff. There's the golden pointy right here. Always showing love, always showing love. Bye, guys. See you next time, everybody. Thanks for coming out. Good night, everyone. Thank you. Thank you.