KILL TONY - #554 - MONTY FRANKLIN

Episode Date: April 23, 2022

Monty Franklin, Ellis Aych, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/21/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM – GET $10 OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF A SKY LIGHT FRAME BY USING THE PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Guys, tonight or what? Yippee! It's Red Band, everybody!

Hey, everybody! Hell yeah! Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the two best goddamn strip clubs in the world. And they just happen to be here in Austin, Texas. How lucky are we, huh? How about a hand for the band, everybody? I mean, wow. Just incredible.

That's the great D-Madness on bass guitar, everybody. Matt Mueling on guitar and the great Michael Gonzalez on drums. That's the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. This is the show. We're here. We just made a new cool pact with the W Hotel where now if you say Kill Tony, you saved 25% off on a Sunday or Monday night stay at the W Hotel here in Austin, Texas, partnering with us. That's really cool. And also brought to you by Red Bull and White Claw.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Our guests tonight, every single week we have one of the funniest people in the world. This is very exciting. It's his first time as a guest on Kill Tony. This is a paid regular from the comedy store. Good friend of mine, just did Joe Rogan today. Make some noise for him.

It's Monty Franklin, everybody. The great Monty Franklin. Welcome to Austin, Texas, my friend. Wow. Hell yeah. I have no idea what the fuck's going on. As you can tell by the music, he's Australian, everybody. Yeah.

We're going to have fun tonight. Can I get another beer? Already ordering beers. I love it. Red Band's already viewed some exciting Australian sound effects that you ought to hit. So you're re-weighting all day for this? Go on, play Land Down Under.

Haven't heard that one. I was trying to hit that when you ordered the beer. I accidentally made a kangaroo sound. That is inappropriate. You are the first Australian that we've had as a guest on this show since the... Take that, Jim Jeffries. Absolutely. I love it.

So we're going to have fun tonight. We're going to watch comedians do stand-up comedy. Some of them are regulars on this show, a very highly regarded position in the stand-up world. We're re-weighting and performing New Minute every week. A lot of these people were just meeting for the first time. You know, they're minutes up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then.

A few seconds later, it comes out the West Hollywood Bear, which is just a loud sound to make them stop performing. And then I interview them and we talk to them, find out more about them. It's a big, crazy live experience. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Perfect. Let's do it with style, everybody.

Let's start with a regular. This guy made a regular a few months ago. He's absolutely taken the world by storm. Selling out his own headlining shows and opening for Joe Rogan and myself all around the country. Make some noise for the great Hans Kim, everyone. Hey, glad you guys survived the tornado. I'm not surprised there was a tornado in Austin

because I know how much you guys love blow. Yeah. God was just trying to snort up some of that round rock cocaine. I've been seeing a Ukrainian woman recently. Every night I drop my Spesnaz units deep into Kiev. I try to come up to the Donbass region, but she stopped me at Donetsk. She wouldn't let me fuck her in the butt.

Donetsk, don't tell, you know. I love the Ukrainian people. They're very strong. They're very beautiful and they are very sensitive clitoris. I think they're great. Thank you. Wow. I mean, what can I say?

That's exactly how it's done. One of the pride and joys of this show is getting to watch your constant growth. I mean, absolutely incredible. It's a super topical minute. The tornado thing, for those of you listening to the podcast, there's a lot of tornado warnings. A little bit of that weird text is twang going around

in the weather today, and he's talking about to be able to make jokes about that the day of. And then stick with a new minute on you banging a Ukrainian. It's incredible. Look at you. I love it. Hell yeah. So this is all true.

You've been hooking up with a Ukrainian woman. Yeah, it's pretty great. Right. And remind us all, what do you guys do? You have a new place, you have a TV in your room yet? Yeah. And you guys watch TV? No.

You guys eating there or something? No. I mean, usually I come over to her house and then she's like, we start making out and then she asks me how I'm doing like seven times. And then... Are you sure she's not saying what are you doing? I think there's a problem.

She consents. It's a mutual. She knows I'm coming. And then I finger her clitoris. Why do you finger the clitoris? That's not really... I mean, we're talking real terminology here. What do you mean by fingering exactly?

Like a windshield wiper? The way you said it makes it seem like you're pointing. Oh, like a windshield wiper. Very good. I like that. What speed are we talking all the way up on the stick? Oh, man. You ever do the thing where you pull it back towards you?

Spray it? Yeah. Spit on it a little bit, you know? Like intermittent. Yes. You ever put on the old hazards, you know what I mean? The old fucking... All right.

How long are you doing this for? Are you like really irritating it? Like, is it like hours you're doing this? Yeah, it seems like they would have no idea. And she's like, all right, I came. Yeah, she has to like grab my hand and pull it out. Oh. Because...

Oh, shit. Wow. Like your whole hand was in there? That's just... Yeah. Went from a windshield wiper. Did you do it all right? Fisting.

You don't do that to anybody, right? What's the most fingers that you've put inside of a human? Three. Notice I left it open to perhaps men. Men. Three fingers. Yeah. Oh, the old three finger haunts over here.

Look at this guy. The old three finger exploding heart technique. How did that go for you? It was like it kind of ruined the penis. What was that sound? Why did you make that sound? Why did D. Madness make that? Was that you?

Who was that? Oh, my God. The old three finger haunts. That was too weird, though. Son of a bitch. D. Madness. Thank you, Sora. The great D. Madness.

But let's get back to the three madness of Hans's trickery. So what happened when you went with the three fingers? What happened? It just sort of like made the penis not seem that big. Okay. I don't know what's happening anymore. What does that mean? Explain yourself.

It's like the three fingers. She was making a lot of noise and then my penis went in there and she was just sort of like making medium noises. Let me see how big your hand is for a second there. Whoa. All right. Creepy. I love it.

Hans, what else happened this week in your life? I slept in the same bed with a woman for two nights in a row. Whoa. Is that the Ukrainian? No, this is an American chick. Whoa. Look at you just jumping fucking countries over there. What the fuck?

How much pussy are you getting? What are you talking about? I didn't get any pussy. I just slept next to her. Ah. Did she know you were there? Because that could be... This could be another problem.

Wow. Sleeping with an American and fucking a Ukrainian. Look at you just on top of the world. Yes, some of that sweet, sweet Ukrainian music there. Unbelievable. So this sleeping with the American girl, how did this happen? She let me stay in her house in December and January and then she was like, I'm in town.

Could I sleep in your bed? And I was like, yeah. So gross. Smooth. And I was all like, yeah. It was a baby. And then I came back at like 3 a.m. and she was asleep and I was like, I don't want to like, you know,

do it, you know, like, I don't know. You were like that or she was like that? You came back at 3 a.m. You didn't invite her out to see any of your shows or anything? No, I don't know. Yeah, it just didn't happen. I invited her out but she was tired. For those of you that don't know, Han sometimes brings

heroin-addicted girls inside of green rooms and whatnot and introduces them to Joe Rogan. Like it's just normal everyday life. You mean murders. He's responsible for more security breaches here in Austin, Texas than anybody. And that girl murdered somebody. I was actually talking about a different girl.

Not the heroin addict. The murder is different than the heroin addict. Am I correct? Well... They're all the same in my heart for something cheesy like you don't want to burn bridges with any of them. You know they all listen to the show. I mean, she didn't actually murder.

She just shot someone in the torso. Oh, you mean attempted murder? Yeah, she was defending herself. The dude like put herself, put himself through his windshield and she shot him. Yeah, they usually fall after somebody shoots you in the chest. That is correct. I love it.

She murdered that guy. We read the news article. You're not going to sneak one in on us. But it's okay. Everybody loves you. That's how cool you are. Is that you can bring heroin addicts and murderers around and we're all like, oh, Hans.

See you next week. And we will. That's another brand new minute by the great Hans Kim, everybody. Talking tornadoes. Ukraine. The kids got it, man. Let's go to the bucket. Shall we?

Let's meet a new soul. This could be someone that we've seen before. It could be somebody's first time ever on the show. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Jacob Davids, everybody. Jacob Davids. Sounds like a new name. Here we go.

Here's a new minute from Jacob Davids, everybody. I'm not ready for this. I think illiteracy is like swimming. Sure, 99% of people can do it, but can you really? Like if I dropped all of us a quarter mile into a lake or an ocean, how many of us would make it? I don't think a lot. I think a lot of us would be going for a long float.

Similarly, illiteracy. If Joe Rogan came in here right now and asked me to spell jiu-jitsu or ask any of us, I think a lot of us are getting fucking kicked in the head. I skipped a few words there. Motherfucking Hans Kim. He had those three fingers in that bitch. I know he was doing it like this. My man.

Perfect. Wow. God damn it. You're like if someone hit an unfunny spell on Harry Potter. This is incredible. Wow. You're horrible. I love it.

How are you? I wrote that on the way here. I love it. Well, did you have another minute? Prepare that, baby. This is the first for me. I've never done this before. This is your first time doing stand-up.

Congratulations. How about a hand for Jacob Davis? Doing it here. This is not easy, people. This is like popping your cherry. This is like losing your virginity in a public park. That's what this is. It feels fully enough.

It's a weird place to make your comedy debut, but it takes real balls, which is funny because you look like you don't have any. No, I'm kidding. I'm just joking, Jacob. Welcome to the show. What made you want to do it today? What made you choose today?

Did you just leave the little apartment that you have under your parents' staircase? Very close. I got a lot of them. I got a lot of them. You want another one? We were all prisoners of Azkaban during that set. You know what I'm saying?

I have more. Thank you. I have more about he who shall not be named. You know what I'm saying? That's all I have. I don't have any more. I wrote those down when you were performing. I was like, this Harry Potter motherfucker.

I love it. Jacob, what do you do? Right now, I make pizzas. Hell yeah. Okay. I love that. Yeah, I make pizzas. All right.

How long have you been doing that for? About a month and a half. A month and a half. Hell yeah. You seem like the guy that has a glass pipe in your center console. Not in the center console. Not in the center console.

Honda Civic? Am I correct? Toyota Camry. Woo. So close. So God. You know those are just... I crashed my Civic.

The old... What? I crashed my Civic. Ah. So you did have a Honda Civic. I did. Yeah, I did. Look at that.

What happened there? How did you crash it? Trying to get a pizza to a place on time? We're connecting my Bluetooth. Connecting the Bluetooth. Wow. Yeah. I can't believe all that.

Just to listen to Morrissey. Thank you. Thank you. I guess I know who Morrissey is. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It worked somehow.

It worked, I think. Yeah. All right. Jacob. So you're making pizzas. How old are you? I'm 23. 23.

Did you go to college? I did. Yeah. I just graduated last semester, or two semesters ago now, at UWM Milwaukee. You've... What?

Milwaukee. I went to UWM Milwaukee in Wisconsin. UWM Milwaukee? University of Wisconsin of Milwaukee. Wow. Yes. Hell yeah. Population one.

Are you the mascot and the president? There's 15,000 there. What's the mascot? Panther. Oh, wow. You guys really went for it with that, huh? It's better than a white panther, you know what I'm saying? Ballering.

All right. I love it. So how long have you been in Austin, Texas? What brought you here? One day. Okay. I'm looking... I've been here one day.

I'm looking to move to Lago Vista. So... For a second there, I thought you were going to say something really deep, like one day. I'm going to run this city, and I'm like, Whoa!

You never know. No, but you've just been here one day is what you're saying. Yeah. We came in last night. Who's we? Me, my mom, and my dad. Whoa.

Okay. Our mom and dad in the audience here today? They are not. Oh, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Oh, I would have loved to have found out what they thought about their unfunny son's comedy debut. Oh, how I love bringing parents on Stitch.

Can we get a couple to play his parents here? Is there a couple? Is there anybody here who has kids? Is there any? You guys are no fun. It's easier to get people to make out with Hans Kim than it is. Holy shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Terminator is here, everybody. How exciting is this? What's this? Not the Terminator. It's the bad guy. The bad guy. The cop Terminator.

The cop Terminator. Are you the actual bad guy? I'm literally like maybe this isn't even a joke right now. Am I like fucking up and it actually is the bad guy from Terminator? It's not? He just looks like that? Stand up and wave.

Yoni, where the fuck are you? You don't even have his face, Yoni. You're over there in the corner. You're literally filming the back of his fucking head, Yoni. That's what I'm talking about. This fucking guy. We literally have, we have literally the worst cameraman

in the history of all shows. I mean, literally horrible. I'm like, look, everybody, it's the bad guy who's showing the people on YouTube the back of his fucking head. I mean, it's unbelievable, Yoni. You get that a lot? Do people like, mainly for me?

Oh, I've done this before? I smoke a lot of pot. I'm sorry. Every time I see him, are you the bad guy from Terminator? Hey, what the fuck's the deal with the bad guy from Terminator? All right, who gives a shit?

I'm sorry. Jesus, you're so boring. I'm talking to an audience member on the show. Can you just hand him the microphone and you just stand there? No, I'm kidding. All right. Tell us something interesting about you, Jacob.

My pinky doesn't work fully. I lost it in a poker accident. You lost it in a poker accident? What was the poker accident? Um, I was playing, and I was playing online and, um... What? It's crazy that you don't even know

what's funny and what's not funny. Like, you didn't think that was going to be funny at all. Right? That was a complete accident. Yeah. Well, no, I didn't lose it just like function of the top half. Like, I can't repeat it.

He's accidentally funny right now. I'm so sorry. He's going to have to look back and be like, what did I do? Yeah. I love it. Jacob, has anybody ever told you that you're funny that you should start stand-up?

No. No. Not once. I just love the show. What's your love life like? Pretty single. Yeah. I had...

The old panther can't find a cougar out there. Delivering pizzas, porn style? Not... Hey, do you order? I mean, it seems like that's how it would work in fucking... What is it? Western Milwaukee? The University of Western Milwaukee.

University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee. Dude, you need to stop saying the Milwaukee part. Probably right. Why do you say that? Is that a thing? That's just the name of it. All the UW schools go that way. Is that different than the University of Wisconsin?

The Badgers? Like, why Milwaukee? It's just like... You shouldn't be allowed to say that. That's how the Wisconsin does it. You should say I go to the University of Milwaukee. Yeah. Yeah, probably.

I should. What the fuck? Yeah. All right, Jacob. I love it. You ever hear... You were hanging out with your parents? You guys have separate hotel rooms?

Not separate hotel rooms. This is what... I'm glad I asked this. Separate rooms. Separate rooms, but... Separate rooms, but you're in the same two-bedroom hotel. Correct. Airbnb.

Okay. In Airbnb. Yes, Jacob. Here's the million-dollar question. You ever hear your parents banging a little bit? Not once. Never, not once. And never.

I know. That's all I feel too. How to send Hansen to throw three fingers in your mother? We're gonna figure out exactly if we can get mama to make some noise. You know what I'm saying? It's so funny that I said that he made the Harry Potter joke that he lives under his parents' stairs, and he's literally, you know, Airbnb with his parents. This is all so real.

Yeah. Indeed it is. I live in the basement right now. I'm back in Oshkosh. I don't even live in Milwaukee. Oh, Oshkosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

It gets worse. Wow. Crazy. So wackadoodle, huh? Yeah. My goodness. Just out there eating all the cheese, huh? I'm out in Oshkosh.

I did deliver pizzas. There's so much cheese. Hell, yeah. So what's going on? You're prey to your Lord Aaron Rogers out there. Like, what's going on? It's your religion. We're just happy he's back.

We're thankful for his mercy. Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's something we'll never say about you, Jacob. But no, congratulations. It's your first time to win stand-up comedy. You get one of these little joke books made by the great Bones Eye. You guys want a special treat? Well, you just watched a man's first set ever doing stand-up comedy.

And right now, you may be watching a man's last set ever doing stand-up comedy. We have the return of one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show. Right now, this man has been battling one of the most crippling diseases one can have for years. He got us through the pandemic. An improvisational guru turned stand-up comedian at the comedy store was the first cast member to move to Austin, Texas with Red Band and I. He's been retired for months.

He's back for one night only. Make some fuckin' noise for the great and powerful, the return of Michael Laird! Shut up! I came back because now more than ever, you all need my comedy. We're on the brink of World War III and President Zaniski is a former comedian and now a war-time president, but let's throw down how quickly we lionize him. When we make comedians more authorities, they become Bill Cosby. Now, what kind of fuckin' bargaining chip are we using with Russian?

The VNBA's Britney Griner? Was soccer, lesbian, Megan Rapinoe unavailable? Hey, how about we send them to Russia? Bet over a rock. Legalize weed. Bitch! I smoke crack on 16. Fuck you, legalizing weed.

You wake up by cream lookin' motherfucker. Wow, look at that. Michael Laird, how fucking cool is that? Unbelievable. This man, welcome back buddy, has given us so many unbelievably killer minutes, so many absolutely epic interviews afterwards. Been retired for months, went into hiding, turned into one of the bad guys from the Superman movies. I'm not sure which one. I remember there was a group of them.

I've only grown up my beard, but I'm letting birds nest in it. It's very nice, you've turned into that lady from Home Alone 2 that has all the pigeons for some reason. Gives people a little bite of the fire. Wow, holy shit. Wow. This was a bad idea. He's choking. Oh no.

That would be great. Is that a peep? Is that a peep or an actual rubber ducky? I literally don't know. Dog toy or something? It's a peep. I love it. Pardon me sir.

I'm allowed miles, right? Monty. Pardon me Monty. I'm like a vehement man. I'm allowed one beard a day, and only after I am, no. No, I even in my backpack, he might grab in there for me. Yeah, no problem. I thought you wanted to take one more.

Wait a second. When you open this, is a bunch of foamy snakes going to fly out or something? Look at that. No. Whoa. Wow, that's your one beard? That's your one beard a day. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the biggest bottle of modello we've ever seen.

Absolutely incredible. Did my dad write this? You can tell literally a gag bought at a thrift store for this moment right here. Michael is a master thrift store specialist. His apartment is filled with the coolest shit, just shelves and shelves of awesome stuff. Am I correct Michael? Am I close to write about this purchase? Yes.

We could take a minute. You know how I always abuse this platform for my own financial gain? Yeah, without a doubt. Without a doubt. I thought we could start at $20 and auction this. You want to auction that? Hell yeah. And this is going to go to your beer fund? Yeah.

We have a bottle of giant modello at $20. We have resident chief, that's $20. Joe White going $25, how about $30? They got that? $40? Should we shoot up? Oh wow, bonesized in the mix. $50? $60? $60.

Whoa, $100 up at the top. Whoa. Is that real? If somebody's being funny, we're going to jump you after this, just to let you know. What's that, $100? $120? What's that? Whoa, $150 over there in the corner. This is the real deal. How about $200 for Michael's modello bottle?

Anybody? What? Holy shit, $200 up there. For a giant bottle of modello. $250? Anybody? $250? $250? Come on. $300?

$300? Going once? $250. $250 is locked up there, right? It's pretty good. Whoa, $251. This has turned into a bad idea, everybody. It's officially gotten the length of time in which I'm frustrated about it.

Yay. We're at $251, Michael. Guys, who's not sending a poster tonight? Wow. Wow. You are absolutely right. All right. $251 going once, twice, three times.

That's it. $251, the big modello. Michael, you're a legend. We love you so much. Do you want to open her? Do you want to open it? Come get your stupid bottle, man. It's...

It's a bank. It's a bank. Oh, it's a piggy bank. Oh, okay. Very good. Hell yeah. Is it made out of glass or like ceramic? It's good that you gave him a piggy bank because he just spent his life savings on it, so... He'll get to start from scratch again. I don't know what is made out of him.

I like... Sir, will you get down here? This man has a debilitating disease. We literally might have minutes left. All right. Here she comes. Here she comes, everybody. They sent what appears to be...

Wow. With $251. Exactly. Heck yeah. Maybe that girl can use her tiny lime wedge tits to citrus up the bottle of modello a little bit. Oh, come on. Those tiny little limes that she had, am I right?

I have to say something about everybody that comes up here. It's just a part of the thing. It's not all happiness up here. Yeah. I know it's been a while, but they usually move the fucking stairs before they leave me on stage. That was the situation.

You know what we should do? Let's auction off the stairs right now. What do you guys think? Ladies and gentlemen, there goes the great Michael Lair, everybody. A legend. We love him. I mean, all you have to do is go back and fast forward to his parts during the pandemic episodes.

Literally, some of the funniest stuff to ever happen in the history of the show. He created himself during those wild times. He literally kept the show afloat during the pandemic. How about one more time for my very good friend Michael Lair? That guy lives for this shit. Lives for moments like that. Your next comedian goes by the name of Olivia Stadler.

Olivia Stadler. You guys haven't fun out there yet, huh? Alright, one more time for Olivia Stadler, everybody. What's up? What's up, bitches? How are you? I know I'm dressed slutty. I was actually raised slutty. I come from a very slutty family.

I was raised by a cool mom. Do you guys know about cool moms? She would buy me lingerie for Christmas when I was in high school. I'm not kidding. So young, she was still writing from Santa on it. I'm like, what is the narrative we're building here, mom? Is Santa trying to fuck me? Like, an old guy snuck in here last night and left a minor lingerie.

I don't know if that's festive. I don't think dad's in the Christmas spirit. I don't know. I love my mom, though, and my dad. They're great. Angela and Frank are their names. Celebrity couple name, Anne Frank. Pretty sick, right?

It's pretty sick. I think I can make Anne Frank jokes. I dated a Jewish guy for like four years. I almost converted at one point. I was thinking about it. I called a rabbi. I wanted to know about it, right? And he told me it was going to be $5,000 to convert.

Yeah, I was like, are you crazy? I'm not paying that. He was like, uh, you passed the test. You're in. So, thank you. Olivia Stadler. Hello, welcome. Hi.

How are you? I'm good. Nice to meet you. I love it. First time on the show. First time on the show. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? It was like two years before the pandemic, so I guess four years now.

Awesome. Congratulations. Thank you. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a background dancer, but like way, way in the background? That one was for my friends over there. I knew they would like that one. I have a couple of friends.

I know their exact sense of humor. Sometimes I pander towards it and it's fun for everybody. Okay, Olivia, let it begin. Four years in the game of stand-up. We are in Austin, Texas. No, I live in Toronto. Oh, cool. Toronto is young.

Awesome. We love Toronto. Yeah, I love Toronto too. We did. One of our first ever road gigs was actually strangely enough in a theater in Toronto killed Tony back in 2013. Okay. We sold out a theater in Toronto.

Yeah. And remember we used to go to Puff Mama's house where you just smoke a bunch of weed? Puff Mama, yeah. I mean, a legend. I've literally passed out there. Yeah. That's back when it was like super illegal to smoke weed and there was a place in Toronto for literally like the last 15 years where they put on secret comedy shows in the back

and people would get high as fuck and it was literally like nothing else. There was nothing like it in LA. No air either and everyone had hookahs. So you're just getting stoned as fuck. The list of people that have greened out there includes both me and Doug Benson of all people to let you know the level of pot smoking. I mean, it is maximum. It's literally like Snoop Dogg would go in there and be like, this shit's fucked up, man.

That was sad. It was so bad that Tony actually, when he got off stage, went outside, just started taking off his shirt and everything and just sat on the curb. I was sweating. I sat on the curb and like, it was like 20 degrees or something like that. But who knows up there with their sales. You know what I'm saying? I didn't even feel it.

I'm kidding. I totally felt it. I felt sick as fuck. Anyway, Olivia. Been doing stand-up for years all over in Toronto. How long you been in Austin? Two days. Two days.

Yeah. Absolutely. This is what it does to people. Two days in Austin, you already kind of look like D Snyder. You know what I'm saying? Like it affects people very quickly. No, I'm kidding, Olivia. So you've been here two days.

What have you done for fun so far? Just drink and for a run. She like that. Okay. Okay. Absolutely. Who'd you come here with by yourself? No, my friend Patrick.

Showed up Patrick Fishman. He's here. I came to visit. I'm here. I run a writer on the show Letter County. So I came to like watch their tour. Thank you. Okay.

What did you say? What did you say about dodgeball? Did you say dodgeball? My hearing is so bad. Yeah, I came here for dodgeball. You know. What? Dodgeball.

Is there a thing that I could put in my ear to hear people like that? Yeah, it's called a hearing aid, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. No, we're doing a show you asshole. Do you want me to try not being a woman? What? Do you want me to try not being a woman? What the fuck are you talking about?

Not being a woman. Did you say not being a woman? Am I? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. JK. I love it. Olivia, what do you do for work?

I'm a writer on the show Letter County. Oh, that's what you do for a living. Oh my goodness. I forget. In Canada, this is considered a comedy writer. Everybody. I'm kidding. You were very funny, Olivia.

So what do you have planned for your trip to Austin? What are you excited about? You like taking part of a roller derby event or something like that? Yeah, shit like that. I don't know. Just stand up, hanging out, drinking, you know. It's so fun. I love it.

What else about you? You must have some like hobby or something during the day. You ever do like dance with like fire sticks or something? Why do you keep playing that? Why does Belle Bib DeVoe the go to on this? I don't know. It's just because of like the dancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Big J, Lil J.

The little Jay Cokerson, red band. You did it. Like I said, the little Jay, coaxing would have been better though. It's about her little Jay Coak. Do you know who Big J? Oh, Kersen is, he's a very famous amazing comedian that wears fingerless gloves. So you the little Jay. Kersen, because you seem a little cocky.

But it's okay. We all have our different things. We all have our, I'm on this show, I'm gay. So I mean, we all play different characters here. Am I gay on this show? You can't be. I've got no idea. Is this what this show is?

I just get fucked in the end of the night by hands and he's three fingers. Yeah, we go from kill Tony to kill Boney real quick. You know what I'm saying? This is Texas. I don't need some more beers. We're real gay in Texas. We ain't that California gay. We're real gay.

We're you fucking spit tobacco and swallow cum. You know what I'm talking about? You case though. Fucking one, two punch. You know what I'm saying? That fucking. All right. I gotta get my life together.

Olivia, what's another fun fact about you before we let you go that we would be interested to know about your entire life? You said that your family was slutty. What does that mean? I don't know. We're all sluts. I have three sisters. I have a sister who's like in Miami just being a slut.

Right. Tiktok fucking 300 followers still slutting it up every day on Tiktok. You know what I'm talking about? No. She's going to love that I said that. Ask a more specific question. I love it. So you're a writer on a TV show.

You do that and you're visiting for how long? A week. Okay. You're visiting from Canada. Monty here is from Australia. Amazing. So maybe. Do you think that's the same place?

You know. Is that what you're insinuating? Maybe. Because we're from the commonwealth. Like we're going to fucking know each other and talk about the metric system and shit. What the fuck do you think we're doing? What kind of homosexual show is this? I was thinking maybe you guys can compare passports or something like that.

Have some fun here in the greatest country on planet earth. Olivia. What's the longest set you've ever done? Like 20. Would you like to open up the secret show Thursday? I would love to. Wow. Olivia just got a spot out of this.

You just got booked on a real comedy show in Austin, Texas. Congratulations. Here. You got laughs. Take a big joke book. Olivia Stadler. Everybody. There she goes.

There she is. Hey. Hey. They got it already. This band is unbelievable. I mean, they just play shit. You hear that? How about one more time for the band, everybody?

This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Mabel Sullivan, everybody. Mabel Sullivan. We're having fun here. Here she is, everybody. Make some noise for Mabel Sullivan one more time. Can you hear me? This is my second time trying to get in, so I feel pretty lucky.

It's also the second time that I really feel like I've made some bad choices in my life, and I'm rethinking a lot. I don't really fit in. I didn't think so until we were talking about slutty dressing and slutty daughters. I am a slutty dresser, and I have a slutty daughter. I would like to give a shout out to Hans. I've seen him a few times, and he's hilarious. But not for being funny, but for slaying all of the poontang that he slays.

And it sounds like that's quite often. I think slaying means collecting. I am a ma'am. I'm identified as a ma'am because that's what everybody calls me. Hey ma'am, do you want some fries with that shit? Hey ma'am, do you want to save the children? Yes, I do. Okay, Mabel Sullivan, everybody, doing a little bit of poetry for us here, everybody.

Yes, I do. Mabel, welcome. You have to be one of the funniest gas station clerks we've ever had on this show. I mean, I get the vibe. I get the vibe. You only been up here a minute. I feel like you're already ready for a cigarette break right now. You know what I'm saying?

Mabel, grab that microphone. Talk into the tip of that thing. Hello. How do you feel? How's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up? What the hell's going on with you? This is my fourth time.

Fourth time? Okay. What made you want to start doing this? Kind of a pathetic life. Oh shit. D-Madness. D-Madness. I can't watch you.

No, I don't want to. I actually... No, D-Madness, even though he's blind, he knows it's a thick white woman, so he's going to jerk off real quick. You know what I mean? He can hear it in the voice. He can hear that fucking... Bye, please come back. He can hear that fucking ham sandwich in the back of your throat, Mabel.

I'm kidding. I'm joking. She didn't even hear it. Hi, Mabel. Hi. I love it. What do you do for work? I am a teacher.

Really? At gas station. I train gas station. What do you really do, Mabel? I'm a teacher. You're a teacher. What are you teaching? I teach special education.

Okay. All right. I love it. Look at that. I always say that seems like it would be one of the easiest jobs ever. You know what I mean? Because who's paying attention? You know what I mean?

I get lots of smoke breaks, though, so... I bet you do. Mabel, tell us more about your life. You have kids or anything? I have kids. Like I said, two... Two slutty... Well, one slutty daughter and one on her way, an upcoming slutty daughter.

And... An apprentice slutty daughter. But... I love this. All this on the new season of Roseanne, everybody. This is very exciting. And I've been married for 20 years. Ah, to John Goodman.

So cool. I wish. I wish. Yeah. No. It's funny. Don't do it, really. And it's...

You got married in Vegas. Am I correct? I wanted to get married in Vegas. I bet you did. Look at that. That was the dream. Oh, yeah. It was my childhood dream, but my husband wanted a fancy wedding.

Oh, yeah? So where'd you do it at? Just in Michigan at a... Oh, yes. Nothing fancier than Michigan, everybody. Oh, the fancy Hills of Michigan. So close to the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee. You can almost smell it.

Just right across the Great Lakes. They're called that because they're the greatest lakes of them all. Oh, they're so great. No need to look at any other lakes other than the great ones. It was very romantic. I'm cracking myself up over here. You're funny. Thank you, Mabel.

Thank you. Now I actually don't know if I'm funny. If you think I'm funny, now I'm questioning it for a second. Can we talk while you think your daughter's a little bit more? Hold on. How old is she first before we... I know. She's not 18 yet, but...

Okay. Whoa. We don't want to talk about why she's a slut. How old is she? I'll just give you a little hint. Not a hint, but I'll air her dirty laundry for her. She... All right.

Red Band, stop pressing random buttons. She has a boyfriend who's wonderful, and she decided she wanted a break. And in her mind, that meant she could go and screw a couple other people while they were on a break. And so... Thank you, Sora. Stop it. Yeah. Red Band's insinuating that it was a black man.

It was actually a scrawny white man. Was it a black man? No. No? It was a scrawny white man. That's what she told you. You seem like the kind of mom that you're a pretty man about. Hey, you know what I'm saying?

I'm going to put the side of these vans right up your fucking... She's wearing vans, everybody. They're torn up vans. You're a little too comfortable for a mother. You know what I'm saying? I am. Two different socks. One's inside out.

That is trending. That is trending. No, it's not trending. It's not trending, Mabel. Why did I say it's trending? It's trending. Oh my goodness gracious. It's nice to do this.

I know. I wanted to do something that scared me every day, and I did it. Have you ever thought about going for a jog? Oh, and you know what? Oh, you're going to turn on me. Oh, did she look physically fit, do y'all? I know that I'm overweight. I've acknowledged that.

And I thought I would come out and immediately say some fat joke, but I knew that it would come up eventually. You might be overweight, but the weight is over for you, Mabel. Yes. You guys grown now, but I may have just changed this woman's life. I'm going to jog every day. All right. This got weird.

You see that? I'm going to become a slut again. Mabel Sullivan, ladies, is making her feel so needed. Mabel, Mabel, come here. Mabel, even though you weren't really funny, I'm going to give you a big joke because I like you. Mabel Sullivan, everybody. It's either goes one or two ways.

She comes back, she goes in for jogs, or she killed herself after the show. Two daughters left motherless after a comedy show goes wrong. Oh, there it was. All right. Let's fix the room, ladies and gentlemen. We have a very special treat for you. A golden ticket winner, everybody, is here from Canada.

He... is an absolute icon on the show. We love him here with a brand new man. It makes some noise for Jared Nathan, everybody. Have you ever asked a styler for directions? Be careful with the styler, not in a rush. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM What was this?

Had to stutter. Had to stutter. Ooooo... Ooooo... Look it up. No... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... Wondered the shoes...

Ooooo... Ooooo... Lost in the desert for 40 years. It took him down... Long to get directions. There it is, exactly a minute. This guy knows what he's doing. Look at this.

Special ed. The teacher has become the student, and the student has become the teacher. Jared Nathan. Coming up here smashing, showing how it's done. Golden ticket winner. We've made you locally famous.

How does it feel? Awesome. Amazing. Great. Fantastic. Glorious. I love it. Very good. You're like a fucking big crazy thesaurus, or something like that.

100% 100% is right. Jared, what have you been doing for fun? I tried eating healthy. Whoa... Okay, so what do we do? I had a protein shake and went for a walk. You had a protein shake and went for a walk?

That's very good. Oh, okay. You ate one box of crayons. Where's the lights? Where's the lighting guy? That qualified. Nothing? Nothing on that?

You on your phone back there, lighting guy? That should have activated the lights. It went right through me. I actually shot my pants. Okay. It's all the wax. All the wax. We're talking about the crayons.

And a protein shake. You look like a melted bag of Skittles in your underwear. Call the rainbow. You son of a bitch. I love it. So, Jared, that's fun. Did you feel healthier after drinking a protein shake and going for a walk?

I would do it again. Okay. Did Tony tell you to go on these walks? Yeah, this is a new thing I've been doing, right? Trying to change people's lives. Nobody laughed at my Mabel Sullivan joke. So, I know I'm kidding. All right.

So, let's talk about it. Jared, Nathan, what else other than a protein shake and a walk? I'm shooting a movie on Friday. Okay. The director. Yeah, the director. Found out. Pilot.

Pontius. Perfect. Perfect. For you, Tony. Perfect part for me. Uh-oh. A bottom art top. There we go.

Toilet. Cut your full of shit. What? What? Are you serious? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? All right.

Get out of there. You know what? Fuck everybody. Shows canceled. What the fuck do you mean I'm full of shit? I speak for self. You son of a bitch. Well.

Yeah. All right. Okay. Stop rubbing it in. Whoa. My God. Now I know what the bad guy from Terminator feels like. It's like, Jesus.

Really piling on here. I love it. Are you really even shooting a movie or was it all just for that joke? I actually shoot a movie. Hell yeah. Are you shooting a movie with a camera or are you shooting a movie like Alec Baldwin shoots a movie? Like what are we talking about here? He could have hired me for his roast.

Just kept me in the writer's room. With a camera. Yeah, I'm excited. What? Huh? You have a camera and everything? Is that what you said? Yeah, the actual film set.

Okay. It's legitimate. All right. How did you get funding for a legitimate film? No, he got hired. I got hired. It's not my film. Oh, very cool.

They give it chase and routes for the hookup. Yeah. Okay. Very cool. Is this a Canadian film? It's actually shot here in the States. It's an American film. Did you see Olivia Stadler on stage earlier?

Do you guys know each other in the Toronto scene? Yeah, I know her. Okay. We did some shows at the underground. I love the underground. Yeah. I mean, that's a perfect name for you to say. You could have stopped at any point there.

You had it. Well, the bird, bird, bird. Well, the bird is a bird. The bird, bird, bird. Oh, yeah. Oh, what? Oh, when are you going to do that? What are you?

I'm waiting for that. Hell yeah. Do you ever do karaoke? I do. What do you usually go? What's your go to? Fish. Are you falling?

Free falling? Yeah. Really? Okay. Whoa. You think we should get a little verse from Jared? I'm free. Free falling.

I'm free. Free falling. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. That was so accurate. Nine years.

In a couple months, it's going to be nine years that we've been doing this live podcast. I've had hundreds of people sing a part of a song. Never has anyone been smart enough to start with a chorus like you. I mean, wow, just give them what they fucking came for. Even the musicians are like, even D-Madness is like, I've never seen that shit before in my life. I mean, incredible, Jared. You did it so seamlessly.

I love that. Yeah, thank you. Absolutely. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show again Thursday. There he is. You got him again. Go see him Thursday. There he goes.

Jared Newton, everybody. Hell yeah. All right. Make some noise for Benjamin Sefton, another stranger out of the bucket. Looks like a brand new name. We're meeting a lot of good people tonight. Everybody's been new tonight. Very interesting.

The bucket of destinies speaks again. You guys put your hands together one time for Benjamin Sefton. Thank you. Hey, Tony. How's it going? South by Southwest is over, guys. We'll see some good music. I'm here to talk about my favorite rapper, Soulja Boy.

Soulja Boy got a new job recently. Do you wonder where? The Zoo. Yeah, he posted on Twitter. He was feeling a little sick. He thought he had coronavirus, but it turns out it was just the flu. He released a game console recently called the Soulja Game, and Nintendo sued him. So he had to pay all the lawyers and legal fees and stuff.

It was Nintendo. I love Soulja Boy. Anyways, it was great. That was yourself by Tony. Hell yeah. All right. There's a minute from Benjamin Sefton. Wow.

Benjamin. All I have to say is boo. Welcome to the show, Benjamin. This is your first time on. I'd remember you. You have the energy of somebody that's going to kill everybody. I mean, you look like the guy that murders the murders. Like, you look like a serial killer that only gets off on killing other serial killers.

I'm really nice. What? You seem like the last... That's how I get my victims. You seem like the last white taxi cab driver. You drive an actual taxi, like a New Jersey or something like that? I don't have a driver's license. You don't have a driver's license?

Okay. Wow. Even Jared Nathan has his driver's license. What's the reason? Like you're not allowed to? It inspired me too lazy to go. Wow. Okay.

Is there a two-liter of Coca-Cola next to your bed right now? No. Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper. Yeah. This is the type of guy that gets two liters of soda. I am correct about this. Am I right?

Just last night, man. Goddamn right. A two-liter of Dr. Pepper. It's a very specific unit of measurement. Only a specific type of person drinks like that. Do you even use a cup or do you drink it straight out of the bottle? Tell the truth. A Yeti cup.

A Yeti cup. You have a special Yeti... Fuck yeah. You have a special chair that you sit in. There's one TV tray there. Am I correct? A coffee table. You have a real coffee table.

Do you have roommates then? Yeah. Yeah, that's the vibe. If you had your own place, it would just be one little... One of those little stands that you have pulled like that. You know what the fuck I'm talking about? Do you smoke inside of where you live? Do you smoke on the inside?

Sometimes, yeah. Cigarettes? Yeah, man. That's exactly it. You see what I'm doing here. Do you people all see how rare all of these things are that I'm nailing? Just off of a look. I could tell that you smoke inside your own place.

A rare thing for even smokers. An extremely rare thing, right? Yeah. 100%. Huge smokers. We never smoke. Right, right. What is it?

Marlboro. Oh. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's a good one. That's a good one. I could probably get this. Hold on. Just hold on one second.

Give me just one more beat. Let me real... You're going to say Parliament? No, no. I'm going to say Camel Crush. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't agree with it. I'm going to say Camel regular, full flavor, not light, not blue, but like Camel old school.

What is it? Oh. This is like somebody that's on a diet though. Am I right? That's not your OG cigarette. You went to that because you started to have a chest pain. Oh, I smoke two packs of them a day. You smoke two packs of a light blue a day.

Jesus. Wow. You wake up goobery, huh? Absolutely incredible. I hate jogging, so I'm just taking out the breathing. Yeah, I'm not even going to tell you to run. I know that's impossible. I really think that Mabel's going to do something, but I mean, you...

Yeah, deep madness will beat you in a race. You do a lot of credit card fraud or... You have a very specific look, Brandon. You really, really do. It is very interesting. You look like the kind of guy that eats the spaghetti that goes right out of the can. Has anyone ever told you that you look like that? Has anyone ever told you that you look like the kind of guy that has two angry big dogs?

Am I close to right about this? Do you have a pet? A snake. Cat. Cat. It's a cat. Wow. Look at that.

Do you have a room with a bunch of tarps? Like all over the... My roommate has tapestry. Oh. Do you have ham and maybe a mandarin orange juice every morning? Yeah. What is in your refrigerator right now that belongs to you? That is a really good question.

Again, I'm going to take another guess here. Is there a pack of lunchables in there? No. Okay. But there is a bag of bologna. There's some lunch meats. Okay. What kind of lunch meats are we talking about?

You seem like a pumpernickel kind of guy. That's not what I meant. What's the pickle loaf? I meant pickle. Pumpernickel is a bread. Pickle loaf is what I was going for. Do you know what pickle loaf is? No.

No, even you. Okay. I'm a little bit more white trash than you, but I recovered. I pulled out of it. I let go of the ways of my young teachings. But I know. Pickle loaf, dude. I used to eat pickle loaf sandwiches with American cheese.

Yeah. Are you a rhubarb guy? White bread. My grandma did make rhubarb pie. Are you a rhubarb guy? I used to eat raw rhubarb every weekend. It's really bad for you. You can die from that.

Don't do it. All right. Benjamin, how long have you been on stand up? Eight years now. Eight years? Holy shit. Oh my God. A little woman just screamed for her life.

It's absolutely wild. All right. Eight years. All of it here in Austin? Yeah, pretty much. New York City just for a little bit. You started in New York? I traveled there.

I did stand up when I was there. Okay. So you lived in New York or New Jersey? I was just traveling there, visiting friends and doing stand up while I was there. All right. Okay. Okay. Anyway, so Benjamin, what do you do for a living?

Nothing, really. Really? You collect in like government checks? Yeah. I'm on disability. I have a mental illness. You do? Yeah.

You know what? I'm calling your bluff on this one, dude. We had Jared Nathan up here earlier. You're one of the most mentally stable people we've had on the show here tonight, actually. It's actually quite incredible. I suffer from insomnia. Okay. So I find myself laying awake at night just thinking like, if I could go anywhere, where

would I go? And I'd go to fucking sleep. All right. Enjoy it. There you go. There's Brody Stevens. That's a true comedian with mental illness. This has been confirmed.

I suffer from adult autism. Okay. Thank you, Brody. There you go. It's just like the sound bite. He's left us too soon, everyone. No, that's enough. That's enough.

Don't do it. No more. It's just fucking depressing. Anyway, I love it. So Benjamin, that's very exciting. So have you ever had a real job before? Yeah. I worked in IT for a long time.

Okay. When I get off a disability, I get a job. Very cool. Very cool. All right. Any hobbies? Anything that you enjoy other than stand-up comedy? Oh, man.

I DJ a little bit. Really? I just make art. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Do a little bit of everything. All right.

Very cool, Benjamin. Not good at any of it. How about your love life? Do you ever go on dates or anything like that? I try to, man. They ban me from Tinder. Oh, shit. Damn.

What do you have to... Okay, that's enough of that. What do you have to do to get banned on Tinder? I don't know. I just swiped right on everybody. And then started filtering. And next thing I know, I can't log in anymore. Was there any key words in the direct messages, you know, like strangle or...

No. I was so excited I beat Tinder because I ran out of women. Wow. I don't think that's how it works. I don't think you won. I mean, it's over. Damn. Well, Benjamin, eight years in the game, you did your finest minute of Soulja Boy jokes.

You really came out guns a-blazing. I believe it was joke, just repeated four times. Indeed. It was the same joke over and over. No doubt. Yeah, what's Soulja Boy's favorite color? We already know, Benjamin. We know the answer to this.

I kind of want to hear it, though. I don't comment on people's gang affiliations. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, we know you're a gang affiliation. You're a Crip, for sure. You know what I'm saying? Creep.

Not creep. Creep. Make some noise one more time for Benjamin Sefton, everybody. Benjamin. Benjamin, take a joke book with you. Benjamin, take one of these. All right. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a brand new regular on this show who's been performing a brand new minute every week for a few weeks now. Let's see what happens this week. Make some noise for LSH, everyone. Oh, my God. Y'all, I was thinking, if I went back in time and I talked to Marluda King, what do you think you'd be more excited about? Like Obama or interracial porn?

You know what I'm saying? I can just see it, too. Obama is a very fine young man. But tell me more about this black. I say, damn, dude, it's just black dudes smashing white women. That's what I've been dreaming about. Oh, yes. I'm tired of beating my meat to all these black butts.

All right, y'all. I'm getting older. I'm getting older. Life is precious. And sometimes you don't appreciate things until they're gone, like your fucking teeth. You want to appreciate them bitches until they are gone. Ladies and gentlemen, I have no molars.

None of that. That's the shit that helps you chew up food real good, real fine. I'm about to say, if y'all don't like me, if you hate my guts and you don't want to take me out, you ain't got to shoot me. You ain't got to stab me. Just order my asses to a steak. I'll be at the Texas Royal House fighting for my life in that bitch. LSH, everybody.

There you go. A new minute from LSH. Hell, yeah. Welcome back, Ellis. Here you are again. Is that true? What happened to your molars? Just, you know, gummy bears, bro.

They tell you about drugs and shit. They don't never tell you about gummy bears. That's a really fucking shit. That's true. Sweet. Gummy bears will fuck you up. I love it. So, all right.

And does that really affect you? You can't eat a steak? You plow through it. No, I can eat it, but I got to chew really carefully. Like, I'm just... Don't talk to me. My shitsuit does that. Yeah.

You're what? My shitsuit does that. He's had all his teeth pulled, just his front teeth and... Oh, cool. Yeah. Anyway. He eats like my shitsuit, Tony. All right.

So, Ellis, let's talk about it. Earlier when you came in tonight into the green room, you were wearing a shirt that said, My name is Ellis H. And you said that I had a look on my face like I was coming up with jokes. You look like the fucking devil. This motherfucker was so red.

He looked like he wanted to end my life. And everybody in that room was up to no fucking good with him. They were all laughing. They were all giving... That's a great shirt, man. Yeah. Like, the shirt is great, but, you know... If you bought it at a fair or something,

like, do you really think that... We should look at that shirt, by the way. I mean, where is it? What did you do with it? Did you change it because you were afraid of what I was going to say? Yes. Can we get that...

Where is that shirt hidden? Can we get it up here? Can you put it on for us? How many of you think we should get him in this shirt that he was going to wear? Sometimes it's not fair. One of the things that happens is sometimes I see some of the regulars or cast members

right before the show. And they get scared, like, if I'm like, Oh, nice hat. William or whatever. Like, but very rarely does anybody ever change. This is exciting. Yeah. If you don't like being made fun of,

is that correct, Ellis? Not on this shit. Fucking horrible. You're like the roast master and shit. No, stop it. Don't compliment me. It makes it weird. You're like an evil fucking Timmy Turner or something.

Did you get some new shoes, though? Those look new. No, they're the same. Those aren't the ones... They're the same shoes. Those aren't the ones we originally made fun of. Yeah. At one point I roasted his shoes so bad

that he took them off and threw them off stage. Those were not the shoes I would remember. Yeah. Those are... You just take good care of those? It's all right, man. Tony, the shirt is over here. Okay, we have the shirt, everybody.

Here it is. How the fuck did you get the shirt? Come on, put it on, Ellis. How many do you think you should put it on right now? I don't give a fuck. I don't give it a peer pressure. Fuck all y'all. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'll put it on. Just give me a second. All right, here he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Putting on his... There's a QR code for a better shirt, as you can see. Already on the thing.

Oh, my God. He looks so miserable right now. This is like... This is like when you put one of those weird outfits on a little puppy dog or something. Yeah. They have little shoes and they're walking like... They're just uncomfortable trying to squeeze

out of it the whole time. But that is your official merch. Am I correct? Yes, it's my official merch, everybody. My friend LaShia made it. It's LTH production. Wait, wait. Are you giving all these shout-outs

to the maker of that shirt? No, but look... He has paintbrush. Yes, I am giving a shout-out to her. But look, here's the deal. First off, I have folded it up, and it's all wrinkled, so it looks like ultra shit. But look, it was shit before or whatever.

But no. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Alice. Everything's okay. I'm your friend. I just like the shirt. I'm not even going to make fun of it.

Yeah. I mean, it's so cool. Bro, your face was red in a bitch, though. What do you think my face turns red when I have high blood pressure, Alice? I don't know why my face turns red. Like, I heard Bishop and he was like, oh, man, that's the shirt I was telling you about.

And I said, these motherfuckers up to no good. They plodding on a nigger, and I don't appreciate it. A lot of people have been mentioning, a lot of people behind the scenes, they go, did you see Alice's shirt the other day? I didn't see it. And they told me they just kept saying QR codes, QR codes, dude.

They just kept saying QR codes. I'm like, what happened? But here it is. Now I say hi, comma. My name is Alice H. Yeah, because people keep fucking up my name, so I'll just be like, hi, my name is Alice H. Yes, like a letter in parentheses.

Did you design this in Microsoft Word? Like... All right. Okay. It really is. It really is. It's truly, I mean, just incredible. Do you own, and have people bought it?

Have you sold any? Yeah, I sold 20. Where'd you sell these at? I didn't sell any. I lied. I shouldn't have lied to y'all. I lied to y'all, but... I ain't fucking, man.

How much is one of those shirts? 20, no, 40. No. What? Whoa. Wait, hey, hold on. This auction is going the wrong direction. Hold on.

I got $35. $35 is what you're charging? Do you have these anywhere? Did you even make other ones or these made to order? Yeah. Meet me at Kinkos. Hey, look. How about this?

I drive left. Gas is higher than a bitch. That's why I got this shirt. It's $35, okay? Shit. Guys, I'm trying to live my dream. I'm helping it go. Please.

Come on. But you haven't sold one. How long have they been for sale? Two weeks. Two weeks. Not one shirt sold. What do the QR codes do? It links it to...

So, you know, link tree, there's like a link T. You feel me? Like, you just scan that bitch and it goes to my TikTok, YouTube. All that shit. Alice, you're adorable. It's a fucking stupid shirt. Hey, hey, hold on. The only person who's going to buy it is named LSH.

Otherwise, it's fucking ridiculous. Hey, listen. Hold on. You have to meet another person called LSH and then hope that they buy your shirt. Your margin of people is very slim. And not only, not only does it have to be the exact same... I haven't said anything in about 15 minutes and that's the first thing I have to say. Hey, look, man.

David Beckham, calm the fuck down. That's a compliment. Alice, LSH is the only person that roasts with compliments. All right, David Beckham, you billionaire soccer player. Oh, shit. Don't stop. You global superstar. You swab winner.

You feel the burn. Stop. Oh, shit. Alice, I love you. I mean, you are such an interesting character. I mean, you have these weird, like, actor energies. You're there. You're not there.

Sometimes you're fucking hilarious. Sometimes you're weird as fuck. I love it. I love the trip. You're, like, very, very human and I can tell you have a lot of passion. And to wear a shirt like that early on in your career tells me that you really fucking believe in yourself. I've seen this before with people. I've seen this before and they end up being big, big stars.

I really believe in you. How about one more time for LSH, everybody? Hell yeah. Hey, thank you. All right. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right. One last bucket pool.

Let's see what happens out here. Sam Headroom, everybody. Sam Watkins crossed out his name and put Sam Headroom. So this will be interesting. This is a special mental illness episode of Kill Tony. Sam Headroom is next. Anybody coming? Hopefully it's Max's brother.

Nobody's moving here. No movement. Okay. Here he comes. Here he comes. All right. Here he is. Sam Headroom, everybody.

Oh, shit. I'd rather fuck Big Ange and Lady Gaga. Any of you guys seen House of Gucci? Yeah, I knew some of that. Ange, Gucci. You know what I'm talking about? My pronouns are nigger. I feel like...

Yes, sir. I feel like if you... You know what I mean? Like, I'm not gonna make you mad if you got some tits in a dick if I call you nigger, right? I saw him horrible with names. One of my buddies, we call him Timer, that's because he counts down before he comes.

I always imagine it like a one, a two, a three. I don't listen to country music because I don't want to listen to nothing I might be hung to. Just saying, you know, I ain't trying to die listening to Toby Keith. Fuck yeah, Sam Headroom. Welcome, welcome. How are you?

Good, good, good. How you doing, Toby? Absolutely good. Welcome to the show. I like your style. Thank you. At one point you did a joke in which you said the N-word and D Madness plugged his ears.

I think he thought you were a white guy for a second. That wouldn't be the first time I've been mistaken. I'm here to tell you this guy looks just like Frederick Douglass' grandson. It's a Sam Headroom. Welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time, Tony.

Really? Are you fucking serious? Yes, sir, yes, sir. That's actually shocking to me based on your mic technique alone. I mean, you actually kept the microphone in front of your face. Tony, I've listened to every single episode of Kill Tony. Oh, wow.

Okay, very cool. Up till Tom Papa. Okay, yep, yep. That was today. Yes, sir. Wow, that's so cool, Sam. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago.

From Chicago? You listen to every episode of the show. How long you been in Austin for? Two days. I'm out here because my brother works for Tesla. Sweet. Hell, yeah. Thank goodness for diversity hires.

Am I right? Bacon soda. Thank you. I love it. What a bacon soda, God damn it. Wow, you're an actual fan of the show. This is so cool. Yes, yes.

I love it. So what else are you doing up in Chicago? What do you do for a living, Sam? I work for Amazon. I work for Bezos. Wow, look at that. Two brothers, one working for Bezos, one working for Elon Musk,

and people think slavery has ended. Isn't it incredible? Isn't it funny how they think? Yes, sir. I love it. Luckily, I know Sam can handle any joke that I say. Tony, I actually drink with you in Chicago. Oh, really?

After Thalia Hall? Yes, sir. It was a bad show. I apologize. The podcast? But you didn't call me up, so. Wait, what? Oh, the podcast was rough?

Yeah, I drank with you after the bar, actually. Wait, what? Yeah, my old lady gave you a shot, and it wasn't good. What do you mean? You complained about it in Chicago. Okay. Yeah, last time you played Chicago?

What do you mean, but when you say she gave me a shot, it wasn't good. What does that mean? It was a shot of Will, something, and she gave it to you, and you said, what the fuck is this? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not drinking this peasant's piss. Exactly. And I said, I said, why would you give Tony fucking Hinchcliffe a Will fucking shot? She's gonna watch this.

She's gonna be mad. But don't give Tony Hinchcliffe fucking. This motherfucker deserves top notch, right, guys? Thank you. You know what, Sam? You're my new butler. Congratulations. I just got a new penthouse here in Austin

that I need a butler for. I'm kidding. Sam, so what exactly are you doing for Amazon? I make books. Wow. Yeah, I make books. Okay. What exactly do you do?

I literally make books. You like sew them together? You like put them... From start to finish, I make books. Oh, wow. From the capes to the block, that's what they call it. They call it a block,

but that's all the pages that you, some of you smart motherfuckers read. Very interesting. Did you see the Kill Tony book while you were working? I am broke, motherfucker, because I work for Amazon. We're down here on points, so that's why I ain't bothered yet,

but hopefully he'll buy that bitch for me now after this just happened. I can't believe this is happening. Sam, it's okay. Everything's good. I'm so fucking nervous right now. You're good. You're handling it perfectly.

You're a comedic hero of mine, for real. You're so fucking funny, and I wish the motherfucker would talk some shit. That's why I was glad Freddie gives and Brian Moses was over here. Hell yeah. Some motherfuckers funny, too. See, that's Chicago street cred bitches.

Yeah. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Put some respect on his name, God damn it. Thank you, Sam. Are you finished or are you done? Butler and my new agent, everybody. This guy is, he wears many hats. Unfortunately, that hat's one of them.

I like your style, though, Sam. You have a love life. You have a lover back in Chicago. Yeah, I have a wife. Okay. How long you been married for? Three years. Been together for about 13.

13 years with the same lady. Sam, how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? Uh, Tony, I have what's called a hook dick. Whoa. Look at that. Hell yeah. Okay. It's like your dick is, uh...

Yeah, so if you want to get your nudges, you know, you know what's up? Ride this motherfucking shit, you know? Wow. Genuine, baby. Oh my goodness. That is absolutely incredible. It's big, too.

That sounds like in-between snoop songs. I don't know what he said, but I'm hard as a rock right now. That's all I know is like... Tony, Tony, I'll suck that dick. The hook will bring you back. You better stop. I'll suck that dick. Can I say one thing though, Tony?

Sure. Absolutely. Now, I'm not wearing a wedding ring, guys, but that's because I lost a lot of weight. And the bitch fall off. So, you know, I wasn't trying to be on Delta, losing them all, but, you know... Right.

Right. But none of you bitches try to fuck with me. I'm taking it. That's right. That's right. There's Captain Hook over here. I suck. If I hit you with that walking, swimming,

you're going to try to be my baby's man. And I'm almost done paying child support, so, you know, I ain't even trying to pay. Wait. Are you about to rhyme with that? Tony, I got bars. I ain't even... Well, I got a bar.

Do you really? Will you do something? Yeah, I got a bar. I got super bars. And I know he's slapping the base so well, too. What do you think? Are you going to do something right now? Tony, if you would give me the privilege, I would.

Let's do it. Absolutely. Listen to every episode. This is his moment. Sam Hedge Room. Tell them whatever you want if you want a different, Sam. No, that's great. Can we just go over this?

Thank you. Yo. Yo. Yo. I'm a Negro and killed Tony. They mad at me, but I hit elder Bronies. Niggas that I ride all the point. He ain't talking about his cock.

I go high as fuck. Tell you niggas like the Star Wars got a life saver. If she's talking bullshit, I tell her why she behavior. But the fact I might shave ya, cause I don't like the 70s pussy. Basically, nigga, don't pussy. Ain't no fucking pussy. And nigga ain't gay. But if you talk that shit, I'll hit you with the cake.

Yes, sir. That's big gums. I come from shite rack. She's acting like she wants to get on my dick. Bitch, back up. Well, I kick you with the kung-tru. Bitch, it's talking bullshit, but I'm done cool. Matter of fact, you a fool.

I'm in this motherfucker telling y'all that I'm so old school. Yes, sir. Got the KRS1. If you need some fucking knowledge, never went to fucking college. But if your girl want to swallow the nuts, tell her that she's out of luck. I don't give a fuck, cause I only talk to one girl that got a nice butt. Yes, she's white, but I'm doing all right. Cause I'm interbreeding and making sure that all these white people

ain't gonna be breeding no more. I'm trying to make the white people brown. Y'all mad, but I come through the fucking H town. Just to say that I love all the rappers. Telling them I don't care comes a nigga dapper. Yeah, fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Versus only, or as I call it, a reverse Jared Nathan.

No chorus at all. Surprised your song didn't have a hook. Sam, great performance. Thank you for everything. Such an amazing energy. Thank you, Tony. Such an interesting episode. I love that we were lucky enough to get you out of that bucket on your trip here to Austin, Texas.

Take a big joke book from Bones Eye. You've earned it, my friend. There he goes. Make some noise one more time for Sam Hedrim, everybody. This first time ever doing stand up. This first time ever on Kill Tony. These hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of episodes into the show, and out of those hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of episodes,

there is one man that has performed more than any other man. There is a regular on this show that has done more new minutes than any other comedian in the history of the show. He now opens up all the time, full time, on the road for me, for Joe Rogan, headlining his own shows, selling out everywhere. The man is a modern day phenomenon. He is the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is, live in the flesh. It's the real man, William Montgomery.

I also have a hook dick. Every Wednesday is Ash Wednesday at my house. That's Martin Luther King after he smashes a white woman. That would have been so much better if I was right after Alice. I thought, okay, I was looking for an ending to that joke, and I was thinking, okay, that has to be a... Hey, while we're busy defunding the police, can we defund the court system? Specifically, the court where the judge ruled in favor of my ex-wife? She fucking took everything!

That's not something to cheer about. I don't know why. Oh, God. I'm so far right, I almost fell off the flat earth. This bitch took the house, the kids! A company in Brazil has invented a new weapon that causes a person's brain to internally combust. They're calling the device listening to Apex Twin. I only said that because I know Jimmy Carr is a very big Apex Twin fan. Do you think I'm Jimmy Carr?

Aren't you Jimmy Carr? Yes, yes I am. The famous British comedian? Apparently I'm David Beckham and Jimmy Carr. I swear to God, I thought you were Jimmy Carr. I heard your British accent, I was thinking, what famous British comedian is this? It's Jimmy Carr, isn't it? And you're a great artist.

My British accent. It's Jimmy Carr, isn't it? No, I am Jimmy Carr, you're right, I don't even know who the fuck I am. I'm Jimmy Carr, correct. Jimmy Carr, okay, that's what I was thinking up there. Are you Louis CK during the pandemic? No, you got it. Look at the light.

You activated the light. That's a big deal. That's a big deal to activate the light. Why would you do that to me up here? Why would you do that? Very rare for a first-time panel member. I'm sorry that I activated the lights. Is your skin okay?

William Montgomery. You shouldn't have called me Jimmy Carr. I was being nice all the time. Why are you doing this to me? Yeah, you've been nice the whole night. Why are you coming after me? Because you called me British. Are you not Jimmy Carr?

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. No, I am, I'm just making a dick. Okay, yeah, I thought you were coming at me pretty hard. No, I'm Jimmy Carr, you're right, you're right. I love it. So William, welcome another new minute. Absolute thunder and lightning.

You're always an absolute force to be reckoned with. You come in, you close every episode. It's an impossible job. You're the only person literally wired for this position that can guarantee you'd come in. Is it true that, coincidentally, what are the odds, I've never heard you mention it before, but is it true that you have a hook dick?

Yes. All right. Can you tell us times in your life in which you've used this to your advantage? Shit, there were a cobble. There was one night I was real drunk on an elevator and I used it to press the buttons on the elevator. I used to work at one of the places

that will call you making the phone calls about the IRS and taxes. I worked at a place like that. Sometimes my hands would be full, eating a sandwich, whatever. And I would use my thing to dial on the telephones. I've used it. Okay, so what direction exactly does it hook?

It seems like you're using... This is not what I pictured exactly. It hooks kind of down. It looks kind of down? Yeah, it hooks kind of down. I mean, there was a time I was working at a boarder's bookstore and I would be, you know, eating sandwiches. I was lunchtime and I was having to do other stuff

and I'd use my penis, I don't know, type one buttons, do all kinds of stuff. Yeah, it's real weird. It's weird. I brought that up. I normally don't even... It's so weird that other guy mentioned the hook thing. Yeah, it is interesting.

The hook thing. In those sweatpants, I think I can sort of see it, actually. It's like there's a little cloud in the blue sky, you know what I'm saying? It looks like there's a little cumulus going on down there. There's a little bit of that little red machine going on, you know what I mean? A little bit of that fucking Memphis strangler down there,

a little bit of that fucking... I fucking knew I shouldn't have worn these sweatpants. I literally was looking at myself for fucking an hour before I got here thinking, can people see my thing in these things? We can see that little fucking paprika package that you've got there. I think my shirt hangs down low enough.

I guess it doesn't. That little fucking cinnamon stick you have down there, that fucking... Little cinnamon stick. That's a sweet name. That is a sweet name. A little cinnamon stick. Did you guys know that broccolini wasn't a thing until the 90s?

They invented broccolini by crossing broccoli and asparagus. Very rarely do I drop a fun fact into a William Montgomery interview. But... Tony, I honestly have to... Shut up, fucking red bean. What the fuck are you doing trying to talk? You dumbass. Whoa, watch out.

Look out here. We've seen this before. These two do not like each other. Yeah, it's like you tried to just fucking talk and you knew not to talk and you put the microphone down, so put it back down. Why don't you wear the same color as all of us trying to fit in here on the table?

This is a weird blue night. Yeah, you are blueberries. Very rare. This is incredible. Yeah, this one actually matches. I had the sweatshirt. This matches. No, it doesn't.

This totally matches. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does. No, the shirt... I was looking at it literally for fucking hours in the mirror. I was looking at my penis and then I was looking at the colors matching. They match.

You were looking at it in different lighting. The lighting here is show lighting. Show business lighting and your shirt's a little more royal than your pants. Purple. Yeah, it's purple. No, it's not. No, it's not.

It's the same fucking color. You can't tell the difference. How many of you make some noise if you think William's wearing two different colors right now? No. No. No. No.

No. No. Not tonight. It's the same fucking color. Is that drunk lady? Oh, right over there? She's scaring me. She's about to fall off the fucking table.

The fuck is going on? Get out of here. Somebody get this bitch out of this building. Yeah, get her out. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't kick her out. Don't kick her out.

He's kidding, guys. Get the fuck away from her. Holy shit. For those of you just listening to the podcast, I'm sure Yoni didn't possibly get it on a camera. Oh, there he is. He was in position. Get the fuck away from her.

That scream is priceless. I mean, I'd imagine a lot of the podcast listeners might not get it, but live at a real live show, that is just fantastic. Yeah, I bet they don't fucking get it. What are you doing? What are you doing? No, and I have to say, I'm so relieved.

Adam back there, I guess, works for Big Laugh. I had no fucking idea he worked for them. I thought he was some crazy guy who was going to kill us. Who are you talking about? Nobody knows what you're on a live show right now. You're literally dropping somebody's name and their employer. What made you bring up this guy? I was legitimately so relieved.

I would see him at every fucking show, and I was like, who is this fucking guy? He's always standing in the corners. I swear. He works here at Vulcan. Yeah, he's back over there right now. Okay, so why are you talking about him? Because I'm relieved that he wasn't going to kill everybody.

I literally, I get high as shit and watch his ass. And just think, what is this guy fucking doing here all the time? You're worried about the wrong people, dude. There's one guy that you should be scared of that is going to say that you're wearing two different shades of blue. Now you end the fucking episode. That's how you do it. Hit the fucking button.

There you go. How about one more time for William Montgomery, everybody? He's everywhere. William Montgomery. How long can this place get for my amazing guest, a great Kill Tony debut, Monty Franklin, everybody? Listen to him on Joe Rogan. It's out tomorrow.

How about a hand, one more time for the band, everybody? The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Matt Mueling on guitar. And how about one more time for the man himself? D-Madness on that bass. An amazing drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt with Monty Franklin in it is indeed in the chamber, ryanjebelt.com for all the prints of each episode of the show.

And we'll do it again. Special thanks to the yellow rose, the red rose, red bull, white claw, the W Hotel, and of course screwball peanut butter whiskey. Thanks a lot, guys. We'll see you next week. Thank you all. Bye-bye.

Thank you. Thank you. You