KILL TONY - #555 - RACHEL WOLFSON + MAT EDGAR

Episode Date: April 30, 2022

Rachel Wolfson, Mat Edgar, Ellis Aych, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/11/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shop squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shop squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Austin, Texas. So you guys ready for a great fucking night tonight or what, huh? Yeah, Brian Redbanz here, everybody.

Hey. It's so nice for him. Hi. And how about a hand for this amazing band? Am I right, folks? That's a Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, the best peanut butter whiskey in the world. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, everybody. Matt Mueling on guitar, John Dees on the keys,

and the great D-Madness on the bass, everybody. He's here live in the flesh. This is Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose, the Red Rose. Shout outs to the two best strip clubs in the world that happen to be here in Austin, Texas. Also brought to you by White Claw and Red Bull as of right now. Also the W Hotel, everybody, where now you can save 25% off by using the promo code Kill Tony on a Sunday or Monday night. Stay at the W Hotel in Austin, Texas if you're coming to visit for the show.

And also shout out to our favorite barbecue place, CM Smokehouse. Here's a little bit more about the amazing people that made tonight's episode available for you for free on the internet here right now. Hey, y'all. I'll tell you, I hope all of you are having fun, being happy, being healthy. I know I have been. I recently got completely addicted to hot yoga and it helps jumpstart my day. It clears my head.

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Just go to masterworks.io and use promo code TONY to skip the waitlist. Again, that's masterworks.io promo code TONY. See important regulation aid disclosures at masterworks.io. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what, huh? Every single week, we have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. And you know, I'm going to be honest with you guys, since moving to Austin, it's different than where our home was for eight years in Los Angeles. My accessibility to guests was absolutely incredible.

And we do a pretty fucking good job here, but this is an extra special one. This is a true comedy store throwback. This guy is the first friend that I made in stand-up comedy. We started in the same week. We got hired at the comedy store, both of us together a month later. Truly my brother in stand-up. And it just so happens that his girlfriend is the newest star of the brand new Jackass Forever movie. Ladies and gentlemen, these are my friends, Matt Edgar and Rachel Wolfson, everybody.

Hey, they tour together. They're both stand-up comedians. Matt Edgar, Rachel Wolfson, welcome indeed. You guys made it all the way from LA. You're here at the number one live comedy podcast in the world. Congratulations. Hell yeah, thanks for having us, Tony. Thank you, Tony. This is awesome. These are your friends?

Yep. These are my new friends. These are your current friends. Since I moved to Texas, I invited them all here at once. How many of you have seen the new Jackass movie by Ron of a Paws? I swear to God. And I never... You listeners on this show definitely know that I hate almost everything in all of comedy that has been made for the last 15 years except for South Park.

And this new Jackass movie is unfucking believable. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It's unreal and it's so cool. They have some new cast additions and Rachel's one of them and you kill it. It's amazing. Thanks, Tony. So you've been riding this wave, number one movie in the world for like a couple months. Yeah, hell yeah.

Hell yeah. And you've been riding her wave too, huh, Matt? I'm gonna say it. Yeah, yeah. Paddleboard. You can see me in her. Exactly. Coming soon. That's it. Fun fact, Matt and I have been suspected of being gay together for 15 years and literally everybody that we did stand up with back in Los Angeles.

It's true, guys. And random police officers here in Texas on the road. That is true. On tour about a decade ago, one of the first places, yeah, over a decade ago, we went to Corpus Christi and we were in line at a Whataburger at 2 a.m. And yes, keep playing it. I need that for this story. Matt Edgar and I were in a Whataburger and we're goofing around. We're like pro wrestling fans.

So we're in line waiting, fucking with each other. A police officer comes up to us and says, you need to get out of here. And we're like, what? We never got Whataburger that night. They literally kicked us out. We weren't doing anything wrong. Our friend who lives in Texas, who we were opening for that night, was outside on a phone call. We walk outside.

He's like, what the fuck are you guys doing out here? Where's the burgers at? He goes, we just got kicked out. I go, we just got kicked out. There you go. We don't need any more sound effects doing this part. This is me and Dee's. There's not even a phone call there, Red Band.

No one, that part was 30 seconds ago, Red Band. Anyway, he goes, what the fuck? Why'd they kick you out? We go, we don't know. He goes in, gets arrested, defending our honor. The next day, it turns out he's friends with the chief of police and takes a phone call on speakerphone. There you go. There's your chance, you idiot.

There you go. Thank you. Very good. Okay, but thank you, Red Band. Anyway, so he takes the phone call. We're in the car and he goes, what's up, man? Why did your guy arrest my friends last night and the chief of police of Corpus Christi? He goes, well, the story I heard was that there was a couple faggots fighting in a water burger.

There you go. Thank you. Anyway, you guys know how this show works. A bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up comedy. And then they talk to me and my amazing guests right afterwards. We get to meet people together. They're nervous as fuck. Some of these people have been waiting years to do this show.

Some people, it's their first time. Some people, they've been doing this 15 years, so they think their minutes should be better than everybody's. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? You know, it works after 60 seconds. You hear the sound of a kitten. After that, there's the growl of the West Hollywood Bear. That means wrap it up. And we have a few regulars.

We're going to start the show with a regular tonight, everybody. This is super-duper exciting. One of the newest regulars on the show. He's been doing it six months. His life has completely fucking changed in that time. I just did an arena with this man this weekend in Jacksonville, Florida. Make some noise for him. It is the great Hans Kim, everybody.

What's up? Good to be here. I love it here in Texas. I was recently shooting a gun remembering the Alamo. And I was like, maybe we shouldn't be putting kids in cages anymore. But then I was like, remember the Alamo? Fuck them kids. They killed Davy Crockett.

It's a state hero. I hope those people in Ukraine know how many Instagram stories and posters that I made for them. Because if they lose now, I'm going to look ridiculous. I paid 10 bucks extra for gas. Now you guys are your part. You think there's someone in Ukraine right now that's like, I don't really pay attention to politics.

It doesn't really affect my life. Thank you. Wow, exactly a minute. He does it every week. He's a freak of nature. Just out here flexing, getting things cracking. Unbelievable. Hans Kim, living your life, you're dressed like that tonight.

You look like the Asian version of the movie Up. What would that be called? Sideway. What would that be called? Sideway. If he had AIDS. You do. You look like a more Asian version of the Goonies.

What would that be? What would that be called? I don't think we're allowed to say. All right. Anyway. I feel like we... What? Did you know that's the same guy from Indiana Jones?

People don't know that. People said they look alike. It's the same person. It is the Asian version of Indiana Jones too. Or as I call it, iPhones. Okie dokie. Hans Kim is here. You're coming off of the most amazing weekend of your life.

I saw it. I was with you. I witnessed it. Your first private jets, you've almost fucked up everything in every single way the entire weekend. But you're just so awkwardly, adorably autistic that you can get away with anything. Joe Rogan loves you now.

Wow. I mean, he did call me a faggot. Well, yeah. I mean, that's just part of the job, my friend. I'm super happy that I got a chance to do it. It was amazing. I brought my tripod and that was like a whole thing. I brought my tripod on the private jet

and they were like, what is this doing? Yeah, he brought a tripod and an actual camera to record his arena set, ladies and gentlemen. Now, there's no other way in the world to get someone to not realizing that he could ask the person that is a professional audio video person that works at arenas that maybe they could record it for him. No, the most Asian thing ever is taking your own photograph,

everybody. That's him. Nobody loves taking even motion pictures more than Asian people. All right, Hans, tell them what happened after that. After that, we had dinner. You know, Tony called me a faggot a couple of times. Look, I mean, let's face it, he ain't the Alphen group. You know what I'm saying?

I would do the same to each and every one of you if given the opportunity. Faggots. And then what else happened? What are you doing? Physical comedy, very good. Okay, thank you, Red Band. He's wearing a gay pride shirt, everybody.

Little, for those of you listening to the podcast, Red Band hates you. Okay, what else happened? I saw the Korean zombie. I gave him a respectful bow. It is true. The Korean zombie, Sen, Young, Chan. Jung Chan Sung.

Okay. Lord knows I'm not the go-to on these parts. You know what I mean? The odds of your first weekend being a UFC weekend with also the Korean zombie headlining with something, it was literally crazy. It's like you brought me there to watch a Korean guy get beat up by a white guy.

Yeah, yeah. That was the plan. We want to make sure you know. There's not enough faggots in the world that we could call you to really get the point across like a white man beating up a Korean man. Thank you. Where is this coming from?

Okay, thank you. That was the worst. Whatever that was was the worst. Boogie. A 20-second sound effect. Thank you, Red Band. Do you want to hear it again? No.

So what else, Hans? I have a girlfriend now. Whoa! How did this happen? What is going on? She's very talented and beautiful. And we hit it off and you know, now I'm out of the market. Yeah, who's the faggot now, Tony?

Yeah, looks like I am. I'm out here. I feel like you got a girlfriend in spite. Yeah. Like it's not about love. She was at Kill Tony, so it's kind of, Tony's my matchmaker. Wait, what happened?

She came to the show and then we danced to the nether hour and... Wait a second. I actually think I heard something about this tonight. Let me ask you something, Hans. I swear to God, I can't believe I haven't brought up to you. Fun fact is that I don't coordinate any of my interviews with any of the regulars. I like to keep things fresh and improvise, believe it or not,

even though I have made fun of the Saudi Arabian cowboy before that what I talked about during the ad break. I actually do know him. However, I don't coordinate anything with Hans and so I'm going to ask you about this. This is going to be a first in live podcast history. I'm going to ask you a question. I heard a rumor that someone walked into the green room

two weeks ago after a Kill Tony taping and that after party gets pretty fun. People have a lot of drinks. There's a lot of alcohol. People smoke and have been fun. Anyway, I heard someone walked into the green room and saw you using one of those massage things. Massage gun?

Is that what it's called? Yeah, they're a gun. They're a gun. Thank you, sir. And on a girl's vagina, well, she's saying, our God is an awesome God. Thank you. What the fuck is that?

Look it up. You're the sound guy, dude. Play it. Our God is an awesome God. Wow. Hans, now you were drinking that night a lot, right? Yep. Do you remember any of this whatsoever?

Yeah, I have a recollection. It's coming up for me. Yeah? What was it like? Tell us about it. It was like, I want to have sex with this girl and she wants me to use the massage gun and then she's presenting the ass

and the massage gun sort of wanders to a perfect location. Okay. Do you have any idea why she was singing Our God is an awesome God during that? I think we're doing a bit. We're doing like a riff. Wow, you had a Theragun on her vagina? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that's not good for the vagina. That's like 15 Hitachi's all in one. That's not good for the Theragun. Yeah. Yeah. It smells really good now. Oh, Hans, you made it weird.

Hans. Yeah, but what about the vagina? The vagina is really smelly. No, it's great. I love it. All right. I don't even know what's happening anymore. So Hans, now she's your girlfriend?

Yeah. Okay. See, you guys talked about this. You're like, we're going to go steady because you're saying it very confidently and I know you pretty well, which means you wouldn't just say that someone's your girlfriend if they weren't.

Well, it's getting pretty hot and heavy in the bedroom. We're talking about genitals and who owns them and what we're going to do with it. So. Which genitals exactly are you guys wondering is owned by who? Mostly the cock and the vaginas. The tits haven't made an appearance yet,

but I hope to own them one day. Wait a second. How do you go from zero to 100 without, how do you not see the tits? How do you see the vagina? Typical Asians skipping grades. How do you win in the poo first? That's bold.

He skipped tits and graduated with a master's in pussy. Yeah, it's a better genital. You can do more with it. Wow. Hans, I noticed with your hand, you're doing the international sign or you were of kidnapping, which is like the four. Another visual joke on a podcast.

Go more. Let's do more. Tony, we got video now. I know, I know, but literally nobody's looking at his hand. Well, now they are. And we're moving on. Hey, Hans, I noticed a minute ago you were doing a... No, you was just doing it when I was saying it.

Anyway, I love it. Man, we did not miss a beat taking two weeks off. Our chemistry is right back to... You know, feisty today. Perfect. Yes, a lot of noise coming from over here. Wow. I love it.

Hans, you just had the best weekend of your life. Am I correct? Yes. How many rib eyes did you eat? About four. That's right. That's an actual fact. And I saw him eat a crab stuffed lobster as well.

Hans, so much fun. You are setting the new standard for being a Kill Tony regular. It's super cool. He absolutely killed in this arena this weekend. You're a grown-up stand-up comedian now, and it's so much fun. Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you, guys. There he goes.

What's wrong? I see a movement over here. Hans Kim. Okay. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Demi Chang, everybody. Demi Chang.

Ooh, big pops from the audience here. How about one more time for Demi Chang, everyone? Hey, guys. It's a really weird time in the world to be Asian or to be Chinese right now, not just on Kill Tony, but I've been brainstorming what I would say if I actually had a racist encounter, because in real life I hate confrontation, but in my mind I'm like, I wish a motherfucker would. Even though a real racist won't really care what kind of Asian you are,

they just see 50 shades of yellow. But I just imagine someone coming up to me like, bitch, you got that kung flu? You from Wuhan? I'm from Vietnam. We don't all look alike. That one might backfire though if they get a little triggered from like the Vietnam War or something.

But don't worry, I plan B. I'm like, oh, hello. Oh, you're welcome to put a K-pop and Hans Kim. Oh, yes, oh, thank you. Demi Chang, everybody, welcome to the show, Demi. Thank you. How are you? Good, how are you?

Good, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About nine months. Nine months, okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I started in D.C., actually. D.C., what brings you to town? I travel in an RV full-time with my husband.

Oh, okay. So we lived in Joshua Tree, actually. Wow, oh, very cool. Yep. Yeah, absolutely. That's fun. So you do a lot of like mushrooms and stuff? I would like to.

That's one good thing about comedy. Everyone... Wait, you lived in... Meet me after. You lived in Joshua Tree sober? I was in the military, so... Oh, okay. Which military were you in?

I was in the Marine Corps. Wow, very good. Thank you. Thanks. Very good. That's great. What did you do there? I was a...

They call it a manpower officer or an adjutant, so... Wow. A bunch of admin, legal... Are they still allowed to call it a manpower or is it a theypower now? Yeah, it's a people power. Wow. So what exactly do you do? Now?

What did you do in the Marines? Like, what does that mean? The people that were in charge of the unit, I was their bitch. And I just did a bunch of paperwork and... So you were like everybody else's Hans Kim? Yeah, it was not fun. I love it. Very good.

And you were born and raised in America? Yes. I love it. But your parents, both Chinese, came here from China? Yes. Okay. Anything cool about them? Are they proud of you for doing stand-up?

What do they think about you trying the arts? So my mom's office recently had a women who inspire you for women's history month. And she wrote a write-up about how I destroyed all her dreams. Wow. Yeah. That's very Asian. It is. It is.

Yep. Wow. Yep. So that's just out there on the internet somewhere? Yes. I put it on my Instagram. Oh, okay. I was like, everyone check this out.

She's so proud of me. That's incredible. Can you do any lines that you remember specifically that stuck with you? She's like... Well, she destroyed... I wanted her to be a journalist like Connie Chung. But then she destroyed my dreams by going into the military. And then finally I was proud of her for being a Marine.

And then she destroyed my dreams again by trying to be a comedy. Oh, you're trying to be a comedy. Yeah. That's very Asian of you and your mom. Yeah. I feel more like a tragedy. Red Band is... Red Band dates an Asian girl.

Yes. I'm aware. I've been learned. He is leading Asian girl... I actually just texted her, Tony. Yeah. It says, you're on stage now. With a picture of you.

And it does... You guys really do look alike. I've been warned. People have told you that you look like Red Band's girlfriend? Well, you would all look alike. I just like her. But like if she was buff and shit. Well, everyone's like, you're trying to get on Kill Tony just saying, you know, Red Band's

girlfriend. And I'm like, I know. Wow. Look at that. I'm pretty sure he's about to invite you to do the next 10 Thursday night shows that he puts on here. It's incredible. You have a driveway for that little camper of yours.

It's 36 feet. Oh, it'll fit. Don't worry. Well... Okay. All right. We get it. Okay.

What do you do for work now? My husband and I have an e-commerce business. Oh, okay. So we just work from the road. Your husband? What ethnicity is he? He is white. Wow.

Look at that. Very original of me. Yeah. What does he do? Same thing. E-commerce. That's it. You guys just do that?

He built it when I was in the military because we knew it would be milk moving around. But then I was like, fuck this. Right. What exactly does that mean? What do you do there? What is he... What are you doing for e-commerce? So we basically sell stuff on Amazon and Walmart.

We're third party vendors. So you buy them in bulk, like on Wish and stuff and go like, hey, you want to drone helicopter on Amazon yourself? Well, we use American... American distributors, but now we sell like sex toys and stuff. Wow. Look at that. Yeah.

Look at that. That's incredible. What kind of sex toys are you selling? Oh, all kinds. Anything. Hans should check out our store. Wow. John Dee's playing sex toy music over here.

Yeah. Anything you can think of. You have the thing like the remote thing, you know, where you could like, like, you know, it has a little pink tail that comes out of their butt or whatever. Probably. I've learned a lot of new things. It's a lot. Anything.

I thought I knew a lot and I'm like, I don't know what the heck this half this stuff is. Do you test them all? No. Red Band. Jesus fucking Christ. It's their first time on the show. Why don't you slow it down? What's something?

Special skills or talents? Something else that you're good at other than stand-up comedy or the military? I'm Asian, so I took lessons in everything as a kid, but I'm out of practice. So I guess I'll say like voices or I like impressions. Oh, what kind of impressions do you do? I've never seen a female Asian impressionist before. Well, I like accents. I won't say impressions.

Not like. Oh, okay. What kind of accents? Like different races and stuff. Oh, wow. Let's start with blocks. This is great. This is great.

I'm very excited to see your black impression. Wait, did you say black? I'm going to stop you right there. I can't get canceled yet. I just started. Yeah. That is incredible. Actually, you did do an impression of a black woman during your act.

I did notice that you did say wish a motherfucker would. Yeah, that's true. I wrote it down because I'm like, she's talking about sort of being racist, but you weren't thinking that you were being racist, but you were totally being racist. There you go. I saw it. Wait, can you do an impression of a white person? Yeah.

What kind of white person? Oh, there's flavors. Oh, I thought there was a white girl on stage for a second. What kind of white person? There's all different kinds. Can you do like a valley girl? Oh my God. So like, I have so much to talk about.

All right, stop, stop, stop. Sounded Asian as fuck. Am I right, people? No, I love it. Can you do perhaps an Indian person? Okay, Beta, I don't know if I'm still allowed to do this. Wow. Saudi Arabia, what do we think about that?

You're close to those people. That's like your Oklahoma or something like that. I don't know. I never really took geography class. I love it. What's the longest set you've ever done? What is the longest set you've ever done? You're nine months in.

Like 15 to 20. What? Whoa. Are you going to do it? I'll rise to the occasion, though. Oh, you will? All right, would you like to do five minutes at the beginning of the show?

Whoa. I would love to. Look at that. Oh my goodness. As long as it's not only because I'm Asian. No, no, my girlfriend will be here and I want to trade places with her. Red band.

Thank you so much. Indeed. Thank you. Demi Chang, everybody. Walking out here with a brand new joke book from Bones Eye, Handmade Leather. Legit fucking. Hey, you guys, one another special treat right now.

One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Retired six months ago or so because he has ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, a completely degenerative disease that kills every single person that gets it. He retired six months ago and somehow a couple weeks ago, he's gotten a bit of a second wind. He is a legend in the history of this show. Improv Guru out of Chicago for 30 years.

Kill Tony regular for two years. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return again of Michael Lair. Gold medalist at the Improv Olympics. You know, I've made audiences sound like that in every dark corner of the experiment we call America. But Texas, this is where I currently live for now. Now, Texas, you are outlawed abortion. You are outlawed saying gay in school.

But I warn you, if you are outlawed by fucking, Joe Rogan will move back to Hollywood. Tony, may I improvise? Yes, you may. A lot of people don't know this, but he is a gold medalist at the Improv Olympics. He's coached by Sharna Halperin, the inventor of Improv. Ladies and gentlemen, doing some improv for us, Michael Lair, everybody.

Tony, please read the intro. Yes, if you've ever wondered, he handed me this special Michael Lair intro, piece of paper earlier, for the first time ever. And so I'm going to read what I'm supposed to read. If you've ever wondered what it is like to have sex with Michael Lair, you're about to find out. I'm going to ask our live audience for suggestions of non-sexual, common household items, persons, places, things, brand names, celebrities, you name it.

And Michael will improvise how sex with him is like your suggestion. To get us started, can I have a suggestion of a household object? What did that guy with the deep voice yell first? No, that first guy. Broom. Sex with me is like a broom. After we're done, I'm going to need to sweep under the rug. All right, one for one.

He is indeed a gold medalist at the Improv Olympics defending his throne. Anybody else have anything? What? Toaster. Sex with me is like a toaster. If I'm in too long, you're going to get burned. Wow. I mean, this is incredible.

This is like watching Michael Jordan shoot free throws. This is incredible. Wow. That's not Michael Jordan, by the way. That's Michael Jackson, red fan. Okay. So you also said persons, places, things, brand names, celebrities, you name it, is literally what's written in the intro that you handed it to me.

So you guys can name any of those things, person, places, things. Anything. Stephen Hawking? I like it. Stephen Hawking? Sex with me is like Stephen Hawking. Yeah. Unbelievable. Holy shit.

Wait, who said that? John Dees wants you to do OJ Simpson. Sex with me. Sex with me is like OJ Simpson. The way I don't want to watch. It's going to hurt. Oh, red band, don't. Sex with me is like OJ Simpson.

The juice is loose all over your belly button. Oh my goodness. Now this says persons, places. Anybody have a place? Grand Canyon, Michael Lair. Sex with me is like their Grand Canyon. A big old dry hole. This is amazing.

Okay, persons, places, things. Can someone just name a random thing that's not a household object? You guys just named household objects. What? Huh? Huh? Sand. Oh, isn't that fitting? My Saudi Arabian friend wants to know how sex with you is like sand. By the way, he said it, not me.

Sex with me is like sand. Weeks later, you'll find something in your butt crack. This is incredible. This is absolutely incredible. Okay, I'm going right down the list here. We've done household objects, persons, places, things. How about brand names? Keurig.

I like it, Keurig. Michael and I have coffee together very often. I have an espresso machine, not a Keurig, which is the peasants in espresso. However, someone wants to know how sex with you is like a Keurig. Sex with me is like a Keurig. My cock would choke out a seagull. The Keurig's are better for the environment.

Yeah, I'm in the wrong state to make that joke. What do you mean there's problems with the environment? So, it felt like when I was a kid. It says celebrities here. Anyone name a celebrity? Will Smith? You know what? I may say something about Vanessa.

Absolutely. I am the rare comedian who thinks Will Smith was right. And I only say that because I'm also fucking cheating. No, no, no, no, no. I only fucking say that because when she's going down on me, I feel like I'm getting blown by Kobe Bryant. And mamba forever.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Tony, oh, I got a magic trick. Oh, you do? All right. In a few months, he's going to disappear, everybody.

It's the magic trick. I said that last year. All right, now I'm going to see if I can make my headband. This will be my final act of the evening. This guy opens with his clothes? That's incredible. World's greatest magician. This will be my final act of the evening.

I'm going to see if I can raise my headband off my hand without touching it. Wow, he's going to try to raise his headband off his head. Magic music. Anybody have magic music? Here's some magic music. What? Anything?

Anything? Wait. Wait a second. Wait a second. What is happening here? Oh, shit. This is very interesting. Wow.

Hold on. Stop, stop, stop. Wait a second. Wait a second. Michael, Michael, no, come back. He's going to disappear. Michael, don't go. No.

We're purposefully, I'm going to make the guys that normally lift you off the stage stay back, guys. There's nowhere you can go, Michael. You literally have no choice but to get your ass back here. Michael, what's going on? That is the weirdest. That is the weirdest. Hold on.

Can I take a guess here, Michael? Can you come back just so that I can take a guess at what was supposed to happen? This is Michael Laird getting off the stage in 2022. In honor of the new Jackass movie, Jackass Forever out on Paramount Plus right now. Wow. Oh my goodness gracious. This is the weirdest Harlem Globetrotter make-a-wish I've ever seen. This is incredible.

Hey, this is what you get with reverse discrimination. Reverse discrimination? Am I hearing that right? I can't win everyone. So Michael, I'm guessing that you were wearing that headband earlier and then at some point you lifted your eyebrows up or something and it like popped up above your head. And without trying it or practicing it again, I assumed that you just thought you would be able to make it happen again.

It's almost there, man. I could see it. It's almost there. It really is. You're so close. Can we give it a little bump and someone come up here? Rachel, can you lick his forehead for a moment? Oh, that's the same term.

Rachel, can you just give the underside of that headband? Can you just lift it up? Can I touch you, Michael? Oh yeah. Oh shit. This is her scariest stunt yet, everybody. Should I do it with my teeth? Yeah.

Oh shit. This shit's going down, dude. Yay. Yeah. It's magic. That was salty. Can I leave now? Ladies and gentlemen, what an unbelievable appearance.

How loud can this place get for one of the legends of the show, Michael Lehrer, everybody? Wow. Wow. I mean, absolutely flexing. I never even saw that Stephen Hawking thing coming somehow. I swear to God, it was just, that's just crazy. Thank you, sir, for whoever suggested that.

That was unbelievable. How about one more time for Michael Lehrer, huh? Some respect. Okay. This is another new name for sure. Make some noise for Garner. Garner? You guys having fun out there yet, huh?

All right. I'm not seeing any movement. Oh, here he comes. Garner, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Garner, everyone. I think I got this. So, did you go by just Garner because... Do you know anybody named Garner?

No? Okay. If you do, by the way, meet somebody. Introduce us. I've been so lonely. It's okay. I feel this need to explain my name because... Well, I don't know.

Anyway, I feel the need to explain myself because... Oh, I forget. I actually have a good punch line here someplace. Yeah. Well, let me explain myself. I forgot where that one ended, but I'll see if we can continue with something else. I have to explain myself because I know I look probably a little bit different than maybe what you're used to looking at.

So, I took a 23andmeanancestry.com paper by my in-laws. I think they just had to get to the bottom of this one. So, what I found out was... Wow, unbelievable. Wow, you seem like you would be so much smarter than what you are. It's incredible. Garner, wow, what a performance. What are you, triple-boosted, super-vaccinated?

Is this a fucking side effect we're seeing up here right now? What the fuck just happened, Garner? You just have that Pfizer running through your veins right now. You might be wondering why my name... Well, you know what, forget it. Nothing better than a setup completely abandoned. Not even giving yourself an opportunity to do good whatsoever. I know.

It took so long to walk up, I thought he was going to destroy. Yeah, I know. He was walking up here like the undertaker and then fucking... The confidence. He got on stage like, I got this and I was like, oh, shit. This is incredible. So, what do you find up in that 23andmeanancestry? My guess is 80% Kermit the Frog.

Oh, hey, stop that. Yeah, what I found out was that I'm actually 25% black. 25% generic European and 50% Native American. 50% Native American? Yeah, well, Native Central American. You sure it's not .05? Like... You're saying that you don't believe that he's Native American?

No, everyone's Native American. When they say Native American, it's like very generic. I think he's Native American because I can't wait to put somebody else on the land that he's on right now. Thank you. Just one of the best in the world. It's not that big of a deal. Son of a bitch. I've never seen anybody with a breast pocket on their belly button before.

That's pretty exciting. That is a droopy shirt. Your black side did not get that. That is the generic European part that's like, I'm going to do the shopping today. No, he's 25% black, but he dresses 100% white. Gardner, this is your first time ever attempting stand-up comedy. Am I correct? Absolutely. Absolutely, I love it.

And I'm guessing you are going by a fake name because you have a real job that pays you well. Am I correct? You work for a giant corporation? He's a Gardner. Not really. I mean, it's a mid-sized company. What? It's a mid-sized company. A mid-sized company. All right, Tesla.

No. No, I'm kidding. Okay, it's a small company. But what do you do? You an engineer? No. I am not as smart as I look if that's what you're going to get at. Right, so what exactly do you do? You're a janitor. Basically, no, I'm in customer service.

What? Basically, customer service. I need you to, Gardner, I know that you're a beta bitch. It's okay. It's okay. I need you to project into the tip of that microphone. When I ask you a question, I need you to be like, it's a mid-sized company. I've seen the routine. I will try my best to... You're doing good. Have you ever done any public speaking before? I did in school, like, many years ago.

Right. Yeah, I sucked at that, too. Okay, how old are you? I'm 45. 45? What made you want to try stand-up comedy for your first ever time tonight? I love people who are shocked that he's 45, by the way. Totally look 45, by the way, Gardner. I would have guessed 45.

I would have been right on 45 also. My favorite president of all time. Right, right, right. Okay, 45. What's up? What was the question? God, you suck. Especially since I don't remember what the question was. You put me on the spot here.

Just forget it. What made you want to do stand-up now at 45? Because I've been avoiding it my whole life. Wow. I've been getting up and doing this type of shit in front of anybody, so... Are you just knocking things off? Are you going to murder someone, too? Like, what else? Are you just doing things that you haven't done in your life that you shouldn't do?

Yeah, pretty much, I guess. Not the murderers. Right. But you still work for this mid-sized company. What exactly do you do at that company? It's basically customer service. It's a wine-fulfillment company, so... You like on phones all day? You have a headset?

Not on phones, but I'm on the computer all day. I take phone calls occasionally. Oh, okay. All right. What do you do for fun, Gardner? You seem like the kind of guy that's on, like, that girl's foot Wikipedia or whatever. Wiki-feet. Yeah. Rachel's on it. Yeah.

What the fuck? Give me a high rating. I need it. For my self-esteem. I, well, like, this is wild. You do look like he is your favorite part of the body. Are you a feet guy? No. Your face says differently.

Does it? Yeah. I would guess this guy loves toes. I feel like you look like you love toes. I don't know. You were about to tell us something, Gardner. What is it that you're into? No, I was just going to say, I'm not usually like this degree of me when I'm just out on a regular night,

but I just like going out and, like, you know, just eating good food, drinking good drinks pretty much. Who do you... Who do you do this with? You have friends? Yeah. I've got a buddy coming into town tomorrow night. I'm in my town tonight alone, but yes. You don't live in Austin?

No. I came here from California. Okay. Where do you... From California? Yeah. What part? Bay Area.

I'm starting to see it now. That's starting to make sense. You have a girlfriend, boyfriend. What are you into? I have a wife of 15 years. Wow! A wife of 15 years. So that's who owns your soul.

I've been wondering where exactly your soul is, and it turns out it's in the bay and some fucking... You have an expensive place. It's hard to afford living up there, right? No, my brand. It's... We got a good place years ago. What does she do, this wife of 15 years? She also works in the wine industry and sells marketing.

God, what a boring couple you guys are. Do you guys have good sex? No. Wow. When you say no, what exactly do you mean? Is it... I mean... Rare?

It's a rare treat? I mean, it's rare. We've been married 15 years. I mean, if you're married 15 years... You have kids? Nope. No kids? Nope.

Why is that? That's a much sadder choice. Okay, forget it. We cannot go any sadder than what we're already at, Garner. If you're saying it's sad, I'm just going to start crying right now. Because I can't even fucking imagine. You had your testicles ripped off by a German Shepherd in 1989? I wasn't that sad, but...

No, I'm kidding. Okay. Oh. Okay. Do you know what an upside-down pineapple is? That's all you... All right. Interesting stuff.

What is it? You don't know? Put it on your front porch and find out. It's fun. Okay. Again. I guess that's a... All right.

You going to finish the joke? No, there's no joke to it. Just do it. Try it out. It's fun. Okay. Red Band also does his own solo podcast where you can catch him doing jokes like that. More like riddles and puzzles with nowhere to go and just confusing, really.

I love it. I love it. So, Garner, what are you doing in Austin, Texas? Did you come here for this? I came here for Kill Tony. Are you fucking serious? You listen to these episodes, you watch, and you're like, holy shit, I could do this. No.

Right. I'm like, holy shit, I love comedians in comedy, and I respect what you guys do so much. But I'm like, it takes so much bulb, so I'm like, I got a muster at one time. Do you really respect it? I absolutely do. I totally do. Because the other names in this bucket would probably argue pretty hard with you. No, I'm kidding.

Matt Edgar. Yeah. What would have happened if you didn't get picked? You would have just came all the way to Austin to watch Kill Tony? Well, I'm still going to go out and eat. Okay. It would have been a way better show. I mean, where are you excited to eat?

I don't know. I got a buddy that's taking me all around town that's, you know, he's giving me the tour. I've never been here. Is he here tonight? No, he's coming in tomorrow. All right. Just tell him you killed. Yeah.

Garner, very, very interesting. I love that you gave it a try. You're a shy guy, 15 years old. How much longer do you think you're going to stay in this marriage? What makes you stay with a woman that you don't have a sexual relationship with? Well, I'm not saying that. I mean, it's, I mean, it's just not like, I'm not getting into this. We're doing, we're fine.

Yeah. He came all the way to Austin for a therapy session. Yeah. I think we got a little fucking Will Smith on our hands right now. He seems pretty scared to talk about this wife. Tony, keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth, Tony. Keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth. Is there someone up here you want to slap?

No. Okay. Hell no. Keep dreaming, buddy. I love it, Garner. We do have people of all shapes and sizes on this show all the time and you are proof that this show is completely unproduced and unprepared and anything can happen. Literally, anybody can sign up.

If this doesn't prove it, I don't know what the fuck does. How about one more time for Garner, everybody? Garner, have a small joke book. Hand him that. That's a joke book from the great Bones Eye. A real, a real leather made joke book. You don't know what an upside down pineapple is? No.

And the fact that you're still mentioning without explaining it is a deeper hole. Oh, okay. One other person knows. That's great. He definitely knows. That is great. Great for comedy when the minimal amount of people know what you're talking about. Everyone knows.

A lot of people say that's the best comedy is the shit that two people out of 350 understand. Make some noise for your next comedian pulled out of the bucket. It goes by the name of Kat Swantner, everyone. Kat Swantner. One more time for Kat, everybody. What's up? I have not had an abortion, but I have driven a lot of my friends to have abortions. You know, always the bride's paid, never the bride.

I'm wearing the gown next time. The hospital gown. Okay, you guys get it. My parents are divorced, but it works out well for me. You know, they can't gang up on me if they don't hang out anymore. I came out as bisexual to my dad last year, and he was great about it. You know, he's like, I love you. I'm proud of you.

All I want is for you to be happy. And don't tell your mom. But of course I told her, you know, and all she said to me was, oh, okay. So what do you want for lunch tomorrow? I was like, uh, pussy, mom, dude. Kat Swantner. Am I saying that correctly? Yep.

Welcome to the show. Kat, have you been on here before? Yeah, once before. Yeah, a while ago. Yeah. A few months ago. Welcome back. Thanks.

How's life changed for you since the first time we saw you? I don't think it's changed that much. Okay, perfect. Very good. Way to ride that Kiltoni bump all the way to the moon. I think I got one new follower. Wow. All right.

I don't remember your performance. Must not have been that great. No, I'm kidding. Welcome back, Kat. Appreciate it. Very cool. Remind us how long you've been on stand-up comedy? About a year.

And what do you do for work? I have a very boring job. We talked about it last time. I probably hated it. Yeah. What's up? Yeah, what is it? I'm a research coordinator.

Yep. Indeed. Boring job. So, is that true what you said about being bisexual to your parents? Yeah. And what did they say about this? Like, how did they actually feel? That's actually how they felt.

Really? Yeah, those were the two responses I got. So, like, when you told them, first of all, why would you tell them? It's one thing to tell your parents that you're gay. It's another to tell them that you're bisexual. Because I mean, let's face it, you're just a big whore. You know what I'm saying? That's fair.

You're like, Mom, Dad, I will fuck anything. That's literally what bisexual is, right? Yeah, I don't know. I wanted attention or something. I don't know. Huh? I like I wanted attention or something. Right.

I don't know. Right. Did you offer to perhaps fuck your parents when you were saying it? Like, I'm so bi, we could do this shit right now. You know, I was dating a woman at the time, so I was like... Right. And you were bringing, like, a woman home with you sometimes to sleep in your place? I don't bring anyone home now.

You stay at their place? I have my own place. Right. Right. You don't take anybody to your parents' house. I get what you're saying. Right. You take them to your little lesbian apartment.

Yeah. Right. So, when was this? When did you come out to your parents? Like, two years ago. Two years ago. And then no relationship with any two women has ever lasted for two years. So, how soon after that did that want to end?

Oh, pretty quickly. Yeah. I did think I was a lesbian for two weeks. Trust me, we've all been there. Yeah. Did you ever have any regrets coming out to your parents? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I... My mom... My mom's, like, doesn't like women, even though she's a woman, so she... Wow. Yeah, it's weird. Oh, that doesn't sound like any women. What was worse, telling your parents you're bi or telling them that you want to be a comedian? They're actually pretty supportive of the comedy thing, which is shocking to me.

But, yeah, it was... You know, my dad's great. Oh, he loves that shit. Gross. What did dad say? What exactly was dad's take on it? Mom's rough, dad loves the ladies, correct? He just wants you to be happy.

Right. He's real sweet. Aw, that's great. Yeah. Did you do any, like, lesbian-ish things as a kid? Were you a softball player, or perhaps... Yeah. You had those little finger exercises where you squeeze balls and things like that.

Lesbians do that to strengthen their fingers. Because it's basically their penis. Sorry, it cracks me up every time I think about lesbians. It's, like, the funniest thing to me. What do we do? I played softball, yeah. Right, okay. So there were signs, but what is a bi softball player?

What were you, like, the designated hitter? You didn't really play the field. Just got called in every once in a while. Sometimes she'll play baseball. She bats back and forth. She played both softball and baseball. Completely bisexual. Yeah, I wasn't good at it, no.

Right. Okay. Do you still have... Can you show us, like, how you used to throw a ball? No, it's okay. I wasn't a bitch, or I was like... I don't even know what I did. I say you're a bottom.

I don't even know what you did. Very good. All right. Kat, so you're a research coordinator. What else about your life is fun, the current you? Have you done anything new lately? Any new hobbies or things that you're into? What exactly about your life doesn't have to be funny.

Just anything. Yeah, I mean, it's more fun for me. I recently got sober, so that's... Oh. I don't know. That's great. Actually, the whole audience is sober after your act, so we all have that in common.

Thanks. What made you want to get sober? What was your bottom? Telling her parents she's bi. Just, you know, I was blacking out every weekend and doing a bunch of blow. Wow, look at that. The gateway to bisexuality.

That's the best kind of bisexual girl that I know, right? You sure? What? Nothing. Is that even a sentence? Okay, Red Pan. I love it. So what else, Kat, anything else interesting about you?

Do you have animals? Do you have a cat? I have a dog, yeah. Oh, okay. We talked about him last time. He's very cute. Okay. I mean, you think everything's cute,

so it doesn't really mean much coming from you. How often do you fuck this dog, Kat? Tell the truth. There it is. We actually have sound. Red Pan was able to get into your, this is the audio of her bedroom right now. Actually, not right, alright, forget it.

I fucked up that one. I love it. Kat, so much fun. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket again. Yeah, yeah, fun stuff. Stand-up's going good for you here in Austin. What do you think about the scene?

You have friends here. Everybody happy? Sure, yeah. A lot of friends. Everyone's pretty cool. Have your parents seen you perform? No. Why is that?

Where do they live? They live in Beaumont. Beaumont? Yeah. Okay. What do they do? Your dad is a rancher and your mom is a teacher. My dad, what does he do?

He sells stuff and plays in a band. Oh. What's he play? Drums. Wow. Okay, there you go. Alright. That's good.

Your dad, who he found out, coolest thing about Kat is that her dad plays the drums, everybody. How about one more time for Kat Swantner, everybody? Here, Kat, take a joke book. There you go. Alright. Yeah. Alright, make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. Eric Gilman, everyone.

I actually know this guy. Eric Gilman has been bicycling. I know this guy from Miami to San Diego. He's been on this show before. He's currently on a bicycle trip around the country. One more time for Eric Gilman, everyone. Hey, I saw you yawn during that last set. Did you know when you yawned during our comedy set, a ghost comes out and it sticks his dick in your mouth?

That's a fact. Speaking of science, something happened thinking about it. I don't have the answer, but look, when you're getting your dick sucked by a ghost and you come, does the come go into the ghost's stomach or does it just splat right down the floor? I don't know. I'm just saying if that ghost came through your wall, then that comes going on the floor and you got yourself a certified ghost load. But yeah, I've been on Kill Tony once before.

Something you found out about me is that I am riding a bicycle across country for charity. And although I don't know what it's like to be Tony Hinchcliffe and open three days straight on the road for Joe Rogan, after riding my bike three days straight on the road, I don't know what Tony's butthole feels like on Monday morning. Jesus Christ. I had to take a shot of the champ, man. Thanks for having me, dude. Indeed. Absolutely.

How about one more time for Harvey Dent, everybody. He's here. Live in the flesh. Really is two faced after all. You really stabbed me in the butt there at the end. Exactly. It is incredible. A lot of Joe Rogan gay jokes.

I mean, how tough of a man does one have to be to not be gay? But I guess any two guys that hang out are super successful. They must be fucking, right? I'm just glad my ass isn't taking it anymore, right? I mean. Yeah. Yeah. Fred Band.

Yes. Yes. Joe Rogan used to fuck him, everybody. Yes. That's how gay Joe Rogan is. He will fuck Red Band. Everybody. Joe Rogan be so gay that he will fuck Red Band.

Anything. Oh my God. I love it. It's great to be here, man. Hey, welcome. I forgot you were here. Sitting in the back over there. It's cool.

Now, I actually know you. You've been on this show before. And we hung out. We met at what really chilled, like, hung out at Skankfest. We out. Yes. We made love to one another. Very good.

Can we get a few more gay jokes on this tonight's episode? I was on a quarantine episode back in the city of Los Angeles. That's right. Yeah. I remember. I performed at the comedy store. Indeed. After a crowd of zero fucking people.

And you got the same amount of laughter tonight. Oh, in front of 350. You got the same amount of laughter. How does that feel? But it feels great. Have you been doing stand up? On and off. Yeah.

I started right before the pandemic. And so it was like, I was doing an open mic. And I showed up. And now you're currently raising money for what exactly? I'm riding a bike. I rode my bike here. Right. From Miami.

From Miami. And you're going to San Diego. Is that right? It's crazy that he called you gay. Yeah. It's crazy. My ass has taken a pounding. Yeah.

I'm riding. I built a hospital in Haiti after the earthquake with friends. And Angel Wings International is the non-profit. There you go. And so riding a bicycle from Miami to San Diego. Your cycle, much like the last comedian both by. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. Who's gay now? You homos. All right. Let's talk about it, Eric. Are you having any fun while on this bike ride? Or are you just sore all the time? Like what's going on?

Any drama? A lot of fun. Not a lot of crazy drama. I almost got hit by a car. Oh, look out. Rest in peace. Dwayne Haskins. I feel like he was trying to go for me.

But for the most part, all good. It's a former buck guy. It's crazy places. We shout out the Hannibal Burris bit. We hired a second line when we were in New Orleans. And we had them follow us through the street. That was pretty great. Wait.

What happened? We hired a band. So like a band. To follow your bicycle? No. To follow us through the street, we had a parade in New Orleans. Oh. Yeah.

That was a highlight. But I see some sketchy shit out there. Like a lot of roadkill. Every animal you can imagine. Sad. But uh. Flat tires. Five flat tires.

Five flat tires so far. Wow. Seven flat jokes tonight. Five. Yeah. I've been keeping track. It's okay, Eric. I've been keeping track of some random stuff.

Flat tires. Five. I want to go through like the hot part of Texas and the desert. What's your preparation like for things like this? My listeners that literally never exercise wanted to know. Preparation age. Exactly. Yeah.

No. Just I mean get stoked. Be here on Kill Tony in Austin. This is amazing. This is all the fuel I need. Get fired up and just fucking keep going. Just. Do you have a car?

I know it's tired. You get tired. Do you have friends or a car following you just to make sure you're alive? I have an amazing and incredible girlfriend following in a support vehicle. She's over in the back of the bar there. How many of you think we should bring her up here right now? Is she shy? Eric, is she shy?

A little bit. A little bit. Hey, we'll see. What's her name? Fawn. Like a baby deer. Make some noise for Fawn, everybody. Here we go.

Let's get a random ass stranger up here. Perfect. See what happens. It always goes well. Tonight we're going to meet Fawn, everybody. How about a hand for Fawn, everyone? Oh, shit. Look at this.

Oh, damn. These two. Wow. Missionary position. Look at this. It's like Book of Mormon meets fucking Jerry Springer. I like this. What a match made in fucking.

Yeah. She's going to ride on his pigs. Ride. You guys are on ride, you know. I ride the bike. She rides me. It all works out. Wow.

Oh my. That must have killed in Corpus Christi on your way here from Miami. That's great. Where did you two meet at? What fucking convenience store was she past sheering at? What app do we meet on? Tinder. Oh, okay.

Fawn, what do you do for work? I am an environmentalist. I work with removing and preventing litter and marine debris. Wow. Yes. Get it. Come on, everybody. Give it up for Fawn.

She's out here picking up your trash. Come on. Let her pick up those $1 bills. Come on, guys. Litter some ones. All right. That's enough. Benny Hill.

She loves talking trash. So that must be the most boring job ever, though, by the way. Following your boyfriend riding a fucking bike. Are you just like, do you hate him so much right now? Yeah. What are you, what are you driving during this? I'm guessing a Kia Sorento. No.

The opposite. We got a lovely 16 foot moving truck donated to us by his friend John Ruff of Ruff & Ready Moving. So I am bouncing along beside him in a giant 16 foot truck. Wow. That is incredible. And it's just you in there. Wow.

Should I start the day and then I'll ride for a while and then we'll meet up and refuel and then go to the next spot. Let me ask you something, Fawn. You're an environmentalist. How do you feel about Greta Thumbert? Because she is like nine years old and she's doing more for the environment than everybody. So like, are you sort of like, fuck this bitch? It's like, it's like how Yodeler's felt when that Walmart boy made it big.

It's like, God damn it, I've been doing this shit for decades. No, Greta's cool. We need, we need everybody. So. Tony, she's driving around in a fucking semi for no reason, burning all this extra fuel and the killing of the environment so this guy could just ride his bicycle. Nothing better for the environment than a 16 foot truck from Miami to San Diego. It averages out.

It averages out. I bicycle, she rides the truck, two people. And gas is like $100 a gallon. It's fucking brutal. It's brutal. Maybe a pricey. We're looking for sponsors, too. Can I plug the non-profit?

You already plugged fucking everything. Go plug your ass, dude. That's your job, man. Come on. Oh, you son of a bitch. Tried to turn it into yet another gay joke. Eric Gilman. No, plug it.

Go ahead. Eric rides for hope. Instagram, Facebook. When you get out of here, unlock your phones. All the money goes directly back to the non-profit. So just appreciate all the support and we're doing this thing here. And I want to say, hey, a huge thank you to Kiltoni and the whole crew, man. When I was on here last time, I just posted a picture of me doing comedy at the comedy

store, which was fucking me to a crowd of nobody. But I got a paid gig off of that, which I donated back to the non-profit. So she didn't here change stuff. Really appreciate it, man. You got a paid comedy gig from that? Jesus, good thing you gave that money away. Yeah, right? That's fucking blood money right there.

It was my first paid gig, but it came from a picture I posted being on Kiltoni. Like, you're a comedian? I'm like, yeah, sort of. Well, I bet they appreciated that 20 bucks. Yeah, absolutely. It goes a long way. Eric, I love it. You're doing something, I guess that's good for people.

Eric rides for hope. Right? There you go. Yeah, Eric rides for hope. There he goes. Eric Gilman, everybody. We're going to keep him moving along. And about one more time for Fawn, everyone.

She didn't have to be here, but she was. There you go. There goes Eric Gilman. Coming in for handshakes, everybody. Here, Eric, take one of these. There he goes. Eric Gilman, everybody. You can use it to patch your tires.

If you guys like the flavor of water, you'll love Eric Gilman's comedy. Absolutely. Just as mediocre as it gets, huh? The opposite. Whoa, this is wild. Oh, fuck yeah. This is a really big deal, everybody. This young man is one of our favorite local comedians.

He's never been on this show before. He's completely overqualified for this. Let's see how it goes. Make some noise for Austin's own Casey Rocket, everybody. Holy shit. Whoa. Heaven let you lot shine down. Serious XM radio.

Real trap shit. Hell yeah. God damn, boys. Turns out Adderall works even better when you put it in your dick hole. Who's with me, huh? The old Pez dispenser trick. Where are my 90s kids at? I'm sorry to grunge for you, my mistake.

Hell yeah. So young, so grunge. So grunge, bro. I used to fucking cut myself to kids' cuisines commercials. Who's with me, boys, huh? Where are my fucking 90s kids at? Oh fuck, the penguin snowboarding on a big pile of mashed potatoes. So young, so young.

Slap a diaper on my ass. Send me to daycare, daddy. Here's a fun story. You guys are going to love this. My dad actually tried to make me wear diapers until I was 24 years old. The fucked up part is, I don't have a dad. Who was that man? Come on, man.

The great Casey Rocket, everybody. I've been watching this guy do exactly that for like a year now. All he does is smash. I know this is your Kill Tony debut, but he is famous amongst us local Austin comedians. Hello. Absolutely crushing all the time. Long sets, short sets.

He's got fucking harmonica out of nowhere, everybody. This is incredible. He's completely overqualified for this. Casey can literally do anything. He's a monster. Casey, you're a real human being, huh? Yep. The song from Drive.

Remember real human being? Fuck, I'm bombing. I should have kept doing the crab stuff. Everybody wants to see the crab. Oh, I wanted to give you something. Oh, I'm excited about this. Oh, wow. You show it to the crowd.

Well, there it is. It's a picture of Grimace in the White House. Wow. That is a rare treat. Is this what you masturbate to? It's hand drawn. I went to the school of hard knocks with Grimace. It's a funny story.

No, I just keep that on me at all times. Just in case. You never know when shit's going to hit the fan. You might need a picture of Grimace in the White House to catch you out of a tough bind. When your back's against the wall. And the bullets start flying. You never know when a sneaky little picture of baby little Grimace gets you out.

I'm done with that voice. Okay. I did it a little too. You never know. I did it again. I did it again. The whole rocket. Thickest nipples in the room.

Some things never change. I don't know, man. You said you were like, Casey, you're a real person. I was like, I don't know, man. I'm just here to flick nips and give out pictures of Grimby, baby. Then it's off to the old methadone clinic. This is all he does all the time, by the way. He could literally do it for like hours continuously.

Yep. We're all riff energy. It's all riffs all the time. That's absolutely right. And you've gotten good at riding this wave. That's actually your whole thing. And it's incredible. And it smashes all the time in front of all different audiences,

shapes and sizes all the time, 100% of the time. Thank you so much. It turns out projecting into the microphone while being constantly entertaining while mixing in well-written material works in this art form for those of you that signed up for the bucket tonight that got up earlier. This is how you do it. You joke.

Thanks. Thank you, guys. There was one guy earlier. I don't know if you saw him, Casey, but he came up here and he's like, well, you might be wondering why I go by the name Garner. Well, actually. Was your first set like this or did you have like a normal process like the beginning of it?

I sung Chandelier by Sia for like four minutes at a talent show with no music and there was like 150 people at a talent show at Georgia Southern University. And yep. Oh, all right. There it is. Yep. I don't know what that was.

Yep. You know, the old Georgia Southern saying. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

And I was running around singing Chandelier by Sia. Nobody laughed at all. Zero people. And zero people laughed and zero people cheered. And there was one girl and she went, what is he doing? And I think about that before I get on stage every time. Incredible. I love that.

And how long have you been doing stand up full time? I've been doing stand up for seven years. Seven years. Were all of it here in Austin? I've been here since July. I started in Atlanta and I lived in Boise, Idaho for three years. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Boise is a great city. I've been to Boise. I've had fun in Boise. Yeah. Yeah. Y'all did your show there. My friend Nick Daniels was on it four years ago. Yeah.

Remember? Absolutely. Yeah, I do. I was the one time that I was in Boise. Yeah. Liquid laughs. Is that what it's called? Yeah.

Oh man. They used to have me host at Liquid and I know you would think that it would go so good. And it. They banned, they banned me from hosting. Wow. Yeah. Which I've never, they were like, we, we, it was like the woman and one of the person,

we think are great. Everybody else fucking hate it. Oh, what did I do? Rub my nipples and talk about John Benet Ramsey? Yeah. What about that is unappealing? Right. And that was a few years ago that that happened.

Yeah. That was like three years ago. Right. Yeah. And what do you love about Austin? You're here full time. What are some of your favorite things to do around town? What is the guy like you that walks sideways with your arms out to your sides?

Like, what do you do for fun? I don't know, man. I listened to a lot of book about. A lot of book. A lot of a lot of the same book. It's a biography of Gerald Ford. A true American. No, man.

Yeah. I lived in my car for a long time, which tracks and then I had a house. I live in a home now. I play basketball with the comics. Really? You play basketball. Yeah. We're going to go play tomorrow.

I can't really picture that. Did you just say play basketball? How? That's a fucking weirdest heckle. Oh yeah, you play basketball. Name five basketballs. Casey Rocket, you're absolutely a machine. What are you looking forward to?

What made you pick Austin, Texas? You all came here and Joe Rogan and I heard all the comedians making a big Exodus down here. So I thought it'd be fun. We could all start some new together. Oh, wow. Wow. You got serious for a second there.

I thought you were going to talk about fucking some 41 and rubbing your belly button or something like that. But you gave an actual answer. Yeah. That's normally my closer. I sing the entire entirety of some 41's. Sophomore album, some 42. Don't hit the drums.

I don't deserve that. Casey, what do you think the worst joke you've ever done on stages? Singing Sia is more of an experimental. Can I tell you what the best joke he did is? Yeah. What about the harmonica for less than a second? Yeah. That is incredible.

I didn't even see it. I heard it. It's true. Yeah. Keeping guessing. Keeping on the toes, baby. Do you use it more when you have more time or is this just you just play the one note? Pretends like he's listening hard.

I had it in my car. I keep it on me, man. I keep the grimace stuff on me. Keep the harmonic on me. You never know when you're going to need to riff, man. What else do you have in your pockets? Good question. What else is in those pockets?

Uh-oh. You've got to be kidding me. Oh my God. We wouldn't even have found out about this. We would not have even found out a picture of grimace and Charlie Sheen. Just in case you get in real trouble. Oh my goodness. Down the shirt it goes.

Somehow it didn't fall out of the bottom. Okay. There you go. That's my, literally a better magician than Michael Laird could ever be. Absolutely incredible. This is unbelievable. Do you have anything else that we should know about in your pockets, Casey? What other grimace merch you got on you?

Yeah. No. Yeah. It's funny. If you wouldn't have brought that up, I would have just kept it in my pocket and then got in my car and be like, Man, I almost forgot to show the picture of grimace and Charlie Sheen. Fucking loser. You deserve to live in your car, you big nippled freak.

How big are these nipples? We see the nipples. There's no chance we could be that lucky, right? Oh my goodness. Oh, they're so big you can pull them out of the top. They're not that big. They're just regular. They're just regular nipples.

I think I got scared. And they got smaller. You like check to see if you still have them. Oh, these old things. You want to see my nipples in these old rats? You keep those in your pockets too. Yeah. We got six nipples like a Rottweiler.

Casey. It's a joke. He just showed us the smallest one. Now, Casey's been a staple of the secret show that I do every Thursday for a while. But Casey, I've been putting together a tour right now. I would love for you to come on the road with me. Oh, look at that. Wow.

Oh my goodness. Cool. It's a tour. It's a tour of Italy at the Olive Garden. It's secret show Thursday. Awesome. I'll be there. Yeah, that'd be awesome, man.

Thank you so much. Thank you guys. Indeed. Very cool. Casey Rocket. Yeah, I truly believe that you are without a doubt, not only one of the future stars of comedy, but I think you're one of the present stars of comedy.

I absolutely love it when true murders sign up for this show and bless us with a real performance and show everybody how it should be done in their own special way. That's the real you and you do it your way and it's fucking amazing. Come on, guys. Make some noise for Casey Rocket, everybody. Casey, take one of those.

That's a real fucking leather joke book. This is a real badass here, folks. You're going to be seeing him for the rest of your life. God help us when TV executives are allowed to give straight white males something again. That boy's going to be everywhere. When young white guys are allowed to make it again, I swear to God, he's going to be one of the biggest stars.

If this was the 80s, all right. What do you guys think? One more time? We've gone too long? Is that really how long we've been going? All right, we can't go to the bucket anymore. To close the show, there's only one way to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, there is a regular

that is the longest standing regular in the history of the show. He went from... He went from all the way, started in Los Angeles with us, moved out here immediately, has been opening for me and Joe Rogan and everybody on the road. He's an absolute beast. Makes the noise for the big red machine, William Montgomery. God, how am I supposed to follow Casey?

I'm actually headed back to LA in three weeks. I'm going to be hosting the roast of Will Smith. I asked him if there were any topics that were off limits and surprisingly he said no. I want my tombstone to say RIP, rest in privilege. You know, for someone to have so much privilege, I sure have trouble spelling it. Does it have a D? Does it have a G?

Y'all act like you're all cool with trans people but one of them wins the Kentucky Derby. They're winning everything these days. That's why now it's funny in case you don't... A new study suggests 63% of people on their deathbed hearing music and in 100% of those cases, it's Apex Twin. Okay, that's that. Alright, another Apex Twin joke.

I've been sneaking those in for a month now. I've been trying to. Do you still hate them? I mean, I still don't know what they are. Apex Twin, he's just a wonderful recording artist. Yeah, it's not a fucking joke. I don't know who just fucking yelled, yeah, it's not a fucking joke. Hi, William, how are you? It is true, it seems like following KC Rocket is your kryptonite right now.

I've never seen you so tightened up and nervous like this. I am pretty tightened up, I'm pretty nervous. I was smoking weed in the fucking thing back there. But yeah, doing good. Wow, doing real good. Would you like to introduce KC as your new replacement as the new regular? Yeah, I'm thinking I will. Good, we've been like working on the paperwork for.

Shut the fuck up, Red Band! We're joking around! Just bring KC in like Aunt Vivian, you know? Can we get KC in? See if anyone notices that it's not William. Just start calling him William. It was a fucking joke, Red Band. I get it, you're yelling at me, you do this every week, we get this. Shut the fuck up.

Alright, so William, I haven't seen you in two weeks. So exactly what did you do since the last time I've seen you? It's been a while, I've been going to the mall, I've been doing the stairs at the mall. I'm going up like a hundred flights every other day. I just keep going up and down the stairs at the Barton Creek Mall. There's only two stories to the Barton Creek Mall. And those stairs that you've been taking are escalators. They might be, I'm walking up them very quickly.

It's really easy, yeah, just a hundred fucking flights, it's really easy. That's why you're not seeing results. It's been doing the escalator. Yeah, ask him a question. So William, are you sober now? Yeah, I'm still smoking weed, but it's been almost a year since I've been drinking. So you guys know he was a pretty big drunk. Yeah.

You guys know about that? Well, you know, he's not the most known comedian, but this is how much of an alcoholic he was. What the fuck are you about to say? The fuck on a trap is that? What's fucking going on here? I'm not stupid. I'm just saying that it was such a big deal. You get in sober, that word got all with a Los Angeles.

I don't even know you and I found out that you're sober. I was like, fuck, that is a problem. Oh, it was like a topic over breakfast. You know William Montgomery got sober? Like the world stopped for a second for us. Yeah. So congratulations, bro. Cool, good to hear that.

Yeah, you look great. I didn't know what the fuck you were about to say. That's what I was going to say. I didn't know what the fuck you were about to say. Was it worse than you thought? I didn't know what you were about to say. Yeah, are you cool with what I said? I didn't know what you were about to say.

He does this sometimes. Bring back that other guy with the harmonic guy. Casey Rocket, yeah. You guys think we should see one more minute from Casey Rocket? Yeah. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking, William. Oh my God.

Oh my God. It's a fucking joke. Holy shit. We're joking. Shut the fuck up. It wasn't. Seriously, who the fuck did that? Take that clue.

Get him out of here. Somebody get him out of here now. No, don't kick him out. Monford, it's okay. Don't kick him out. These guys actually listen to William for some reason. The security guys here will do anything anybody tells them to. There's two of them rubbing Casey Rocket's nipples on the side over there right now.

Can you guys write William some jokes for us? Whoa, Red Band. Red Band, you have to fucking stop. What's going on? You've been acting weird ever since you got back from Florida. What'd you do down there? All right. Seriously, what happened down there?

Look, me and Casey had a great time in Florida. Whoa. Shut the fuck up. You've been acting weird as shit since Florida, Red Band. Seriously, what happened? Well, Casey tried to kiss me. I let him. Shut up.

I don't want to hear this. Shut up. He's better kisser than your dry lips. Shut the fuck up. They're not dry. No, they're not. That beard, that puts all the crumbs on your lips. They're not fucking dry.

Shut the fuck up, dude. You guys are putting on a real improv clinic here this evening. Where's Michael Lair when you need him? Nothing better than shut up and fuck you back to each other. Unbelievable. The comedy gods are blessing us this evening. I love it. William, what else have you been doing in your real life the last couple weeks?

I need like real answers here. I downloaded a game called Diablo 3 and I cannot stop playing it. What is Diablo 3? It is an ARPG. And what is that? An action role playing game. For those that don't know, it's really taken over my life the past two fucking weeks. It's all I've been doing.

Did Rogan recommend this game to you? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Nobody knows. No, he meant something about that. What the fuck does that mean? That game came out like ten years ago. Why is that so funny? Nobody knows.

It's a weird night for Red Band tonight. Very weird. We're hoping it's because we took a week off of recording episodes. I'm sorry. We think it's just a touch rusty tonight. And he's wearing that racist ass shirt. What is up with you wearing the stars and bars tonight, Red Band? It says gay pride on it, so it's okay.

That's the whole point. It's Brian Moses merch, I do believe. Famous roast bar creator. Okay, William, we're not getting much out of you tonight. Not a lot of energy. Did seeing Casey Rocket up here smashing sort of affect you? I've never really seen you like this before. It totally negatively affected me.

Negatively affected me. Would you like to do another minute? I don't have one. I'm kidding. Apex Twin. Yeah, I think those are great. I wish you liked them, Tony. I could tell you don't like those.

Uh-uh. Now, it's a waste of your time working on Apex Twin jokes. I've probably 20 Apex Twin jokes now. But why do you keep writing jokes about these things that people barely know about? Did you go to Red Band School of Comedy or something like that? I'm working on a pineapple upside-down cake joke. If I make just one piercing laugh.

I don't know, I'm working on it. It's a giant struggle. I'm working on it. An Apex Twin joke. I don't know, I'm working on it. It's a giant struggle. I'm working on it. An Apex Twin jokes are coming out.

I'm working on it, I'm sitting down trying to write, and it's just fucking Apex Twin jokes coming to me. It's turning into a fucking nightmare. That's literally all I think about now. Have you thought about writing jokes about things that people do know about? Well, maybe I should. Maybe you should.

Do you have any jokes about Ukraine? Perhaps you could do a Ukraine joke right now. What's the deal with Ukraine? Ukraine! Okay, give me another one. This is great. This is like Michael Laird with real brain damage. Okay, let's do another one.

I heard Clorox Bleach earlier. Do a Clorox Bleach. Yeah, what is the deal with Clorox Bleach? Seriously, what's the deal with Clorox Bleach? I mean, it smells so bad. All right, there you go. We pushed that to the absolute limit. Fuck yeah, William.

You've been making soup in your crock pot. You have famously had a crock pot. You've been ingesting multiple forms of soup lately. How's that been going? It's been good. It's mainly been Kraft macaroni and cheese with hot dogs cut up inside of the macaroni and cheese. It's really good.

It's really good. Maybe a little ketchup drizzled on top. A little lettuce on the side. Ooh, lettuce on the side. Maybe a pickle also on the side. Uh-oh. Yeah, maybe a glass of milk. Oh.

Who said fucking you to a glass of milk? Whoa. God, some hag up there. Yeah. There is a haggard woman. These anti-milk women as of late. William, final question for you. You famously have two unlicensed guns

in the trunk of your car at all times. You have famously scratched off the VIN number to these weapons. And sometimes you fire them off in both public and private properties. Have you been doing that at all the last couple of weeks? I shot three fucking people this past weekend. Whoa.

On their private property. Wow. At least you killed in front of somebody this week. Yeah, it was three fucking people. No, stop it, stop it. Yeah, stop it. Why are you all playing the fucking music with that? It's one thing for me to make the joke,

but when the band gets into it, even I feel bad. I'm like, oh, no. My dear sweet William, kills hundreds and hundreds of weeks in a row. Struggles a little bit one night. I'm like, fuck you, loser. Yeah, this is literally a nightmare right now. I'm going to play some Diablo 3 after this,

so I'm very excited about that. All right. William, we absolutely love you. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? Guys, how about a hand for my guest, Matt Edgar and Rachel Wolfson, huh?

Catch them at the Elysian Theater May 8th in Los Angeles, California. They are doing the Netflix as a joke festival. They have their own big show at a theater in LA May 8th. Go see it and make sure. And I swear to you from the bottom of my heart, you will love Jack Ass Forever with the great Rachel Wolfson out now on Paramount Plus.

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. While you guys were all here, he was in LA drawing Matt and Rachel. It is super fucking cool. And how about one more time for the band, everybody? Matt Mueling on guitar. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys.

And D. Madness on the bass guitar. A lot of fun. The official Kill Tony after party starts now with the venue that you're at. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Good night. I'm a nice girl. I love the way you dress. I love your black hair. I love you. You're beautiful. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.