KILL TONY - #556 - JAKE SHIELDS + BRIAN SIMPSON

Episode Date: May 7, 2022

Jake Shields, Brian Simpson, Michael Lehrer, Eliis Aych, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/18/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY 

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill

Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band Company Live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony. Fuck yeah, who wants to get canceled tonight, huh? Yeah, Red Band's here everybody. Come on, make some noise for Red Band. How about a hand for the band, huh? Aren't they great everybody? That's the great D-Madness on bass guitar right there. John D's on the keys. Matt Mueling on guitar and the great Michael Gonzalez on drums. Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose

and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, the official sponsor of the Kill Tony Band. Also White Claw Red Bull in the W Hotel, where now if you use the code Kill Tony upon arrival on a Sunday or Monday night, you get 25% off. So those of you visiting from out of town coming to Austin to see the show, it's a stay at the W. It's a great hotel. Yeah, it is. It's absolutely my favorite hotel to stay at when I'm visiting Austin. And here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you for free right here, right now. Hey y'all, indeed it is Tony Hinchcliff here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with

me all around the country. We're back at it, Salt Lake City, May 20th and 21st, Buffalo June 10th and 11th, Atlantic City, New Jersey June 24th and 25th, Tampa, Florida July 15th and 16th, Houston, Texas July 28th, 29th and the 30th, Dallas, Texas the 12th and 13th of August and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas, Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return, September 29th, 30th and October 1st. Excited to get back to Nashville, San Antonio, Dallas, Houston, Tampa, Atlantic City and Buffalo and of course Salt Lake City, the home of my favorite religion, all very soon. That's ticketsavailabletonyhinchcliff.com and we'll see you out there. Hey y'all, you've heard me talk about how important it is to

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slash Kiltoni. E-X-P-R-E-S-S VPN.com slash Kiltoni to learn more. Holy shit, Red Band. I gotta tell you, I came across the coolest stuff this week while I was out on the road. It was some graffiti art. I've been all over the world and I saw a graffiti art at a New York City bar and it just hit different. I asked the bar owner who painted it. It was so cool. And I shit you not. He told me that the original was worth millions. No shit. Yeah. I need this dude to tag my house because the house will appreciate millions of dollars, Red Band. And I'd be rich. Listeners, you need to check out the rest of the story at masterworks.art slash Tony. That's masterworks.art slash Tony. You'll never believe it. You guys ready to start tonight's

show or what? Huh? You're at it. Nobody has more fun than us on Mondays. Every single week, I have some of the funniest comedians in the world on and this week is no different. One of my favorite fighters of all time and one of the top young rising comedians in the world are here. Make some noise for the great Brian Simpson and Jake Shields, everybody. Oh shit. Brian Simpson, fresh off of the new Netflix, the stand-ups season three. Yeah, anywhere's good. Come on and make yourselves at home. The great Jake Shields fighting royalty, Brian Simpson, comedy royalty BS with Brian Simpson and the new Netflix, the stand-up season three, Brian Simpson is on. And this is the great Jake Shields here just to make sure

that in this day and age, if anybody tries to fucking Will Smith me, now I invite UFC fighters to the show. Yeah, it's going to be tough up here with two comedians, but hey, at least I can fight. Goddamn right. You talk shit to this guy. He's going to beat the shit out of you, everybody. So just laugh at his jokes and play along, everyone. Pretend I'm funny. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds here tonight. If I pull one of their names out of this bucket, that means they get 60 seconds. You know, they're times up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they're also going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just really loud and annoying. And then I talk to them and ask them questions

about their life. And we find out more about them. Everything is completely improvised and wild. You guys ready to do this shit, huh? All right, to start tonight's show, we have a few regulars on this show. It's been a part of the show since the beginning, where some people, a very, very chosen few have the hard job of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week, pretty much impossible in this standup comedy world. But these guys managed to do it. And this first guy, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, just one of the best out there fresh off of doing arenas with Joe Rogan. This is a new minute from the great Hans Kim. Yes, it has begun.

Hans Kim. I don't like how the first thing that people tell me is their name, because now I have to remember their name for the entire conversation on the off chance that is interesting. Why don't you tell me your name at the end so I know who to blame for the shitty chit chat I had. I like how Christians, some traditional Christians have the footprints poem in their house, because that poem is about Jesus carrying a dude on a beach. What if the homophobic Jesus comes down? I don't carry dudes on beaches, man. I'm into chicks. Didn't you read what I said about the gays in my book?

I mentioned them a couple times vaguely. You should have extrapolated wildly. But it's good to be here. It's difficult for me to date American women. It seems like whenever I'm on a date with them, they're like, oh, this boy's just going to be nice to me. I'm boring. I could have been fighting off a rape. Thank you. Whoa. Wait a second. What does that mean? Are you saying other races rape people? It just means I think Asians are very docile and quiet and nice and American women are very tough and they alpha me. Wow. They alpha you. It's very revealing, very, very honest.

Thank you, Tony. Why is there a monkey here? Of all the buttons, why is there a... Okay, right, Ben. The only episode I saw kill Tony, you had the stripper girlfriend. Is she still around? No, I have a new non-stripper girlfriend. Remind us, what does this girlfriend do, Hans? She's a comedian. She likes to get massage gunned. Oh, that one. Yeah, we heard about this. Yes, Hans was using a massage gun on this girl's vagina in the green room one night while she's saying, our God is an awesome God. Someone walked in on that and said, I just saw Hans Kim using a massage gun on a girl's vagina while she was singing, our God is an awesome God. And I go, that is so specific that there's no

doubt guilty is charged. Like Judge Jury Executioner, you definitely did that. A Therigong, right? Therigong. It was on the buttocks. It wasn't near the vagina. It was near the vagina, but it didn't actually reach the vagina. Why were you Therigunning her buttocks? She's a dancer, so she was a little sore, so I was just... She told you that? She goes, Hans, I'm sore. You have a Therigun? Yes. She pointed to where she wanted me to put it. Wow, incredible. And then what happened? Did you end up getting any action that night? Yeah, we've been having regular intercourse. Wow, regular intercourse. And you seem like a safe guy. You wear a condom with this one, right? Yes. All the time? All the time. Every time. Every day. And we also know that you...

We also know that you don't like girls going down on you and you don't like going down on girls. This is true, Hans. I like going down on her because she tastes good, but... Whoa, shit. I just thought of a bunch of racial jokes about what it must taste like that you would enjoy it. What does it taste like, Hans? It tastes like a little acidic, like kimchi. All right. There he goes. A little acidic, like kimchi? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. You love that. Oh my goodness gracious. A little umami flavor. Whoa. Umami is right. Wow. Look at you. Absolutely incredible, Hans. And do you get her to have orgasms when you perform oral sex? Yes.

Yeah. Are you sure? There's a little hesitation there. I think I'm one for four. One for four? Wow. Now, you think the other one... You think that... When you say one for four, you mean you've gone down on her four times and you think she's come once, or you think she has four fake orgasms to one? I hope they're all real. If it's not, I'm flattered that she would fake it for me. Have you ever faked an orgasm before, Hans? No. Hans, if you were going to fake an orgasm, what would that sound like? Okay. Red band. It wouldn't sound like a dolphin. Probably like my real orgasm, like...

Wow. That's incredible. Yeah. She doesn't know when I come sometimes. She's like, are you... Did you come or do you want to take a break? Wow. You're like both. How long do you fuck her still with coming in your condom that you don't tell her? I tell her right away. I don't really like to fuck after I come. It's really sensitive. Oh, that is absolutely honest. It's honest again. You are so honest. It's just wild. The honesty that we get from you. You'll tell us anything, won't you? Yes. Oh, shit. What else happened crazy this week, Hans? Anything else in your life? A little bit out of whack?

A little bit? I went to HEB and some guy was like, I love you, Hans. And then he was like, you want to smoke weed? And then I smoked weed out of this HEB apple that he bought. Oh my goodness. Now, this is... We've heard of this before. This is actually... We've learned that Hans will do any drug with anyone that offers him drugs. Brian Simpson. Hans, how is it that it took you to your second girl to eat pussy, but you just smoking out of HEB apple? He's like, yeah, I'll put that on my lips. That is the best question humanly possible. That is right. Cheryl, smoke out of your apple, sir. Did he sing Our God is an Awesome God while you smoked with him?

I mean, HEB, I trust their quality assurance program. That's right. That's right. Wow. Interesting, Hans. Okay. And life is good. You're doing the MGM Grand Garden Arena with Joe Rogan on July 1st. Yeah. How about that? How crazy is that? Became a regular on Kill Tony. Started killing every week with a new minute and your life completely changed. Yeah, I recommend it to anybody. Yeah. It's super easy. You just have to be likable and hilarious even when just answering the questions honestly and directly with either a yes or a no. Perhaps giving it a little yes, Tony. A little laugh before really projects likability. He's writing his own textbook, which is one of the most Asian things about you,

Hans. That's another new minute and a great interview by the great Hans Pym. And the show has begun. You see how it works. But now I reach into this bucket and we meet a fucking stranger. It's going to be hard to follow that. Hard to follow Hans, but he gets it started good. How about one more time for the great Hans Pym, everybody? Making it look easy. Okay. Your first comedian out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Tim.com, everyone. Here he is, everyone. One more time for Tim.com. It's good to be here. I just came out of the closet as transphobic. Yeah. Finally, I could be the person I always knew I was. Turns out it's bigot.

I don't know. All right, don't shoot me. Okay. I don't know, man. My dating life's going okay. Just got out of a mahoganist relationship. Yep. Yeah, that coffee table is a bitch. Somebody asked if I have autism. I was like, nah, dude, I'm not that good at Minecraft. Keep it in your pants, dog. Build a hut. I don't know. They're like, okay, if you don't have autism, how is it you're able to just look at a QR code and know what it means without a phone? So I thought everyone could do those in their head. I guess it is a little bit autistic of me. I don't know. Y'all grew up. I'm from the dark web. Yep. That's where I'm from. So if you don't like my opinions, explain the YouTube algorithm. That's where I got them.

Fuck yeah. All right. Smooth ending there. Tim.com. Hi, Tim. What's up? How are you? You are by far one of the funniest 13-year-old boys we've ever had on the show. This is absolutely incredible how you fit in with all these adults at a nightclub like this. I get carded so aggressively when I'm dressed like this. I bet. I bet. It's incredible. Brian Simpson, what do you think about this guy? Yeah, I think it's just you just, you're the biggest example of somebody who voices don't match their face. It looks like he's doing an impression of himself. No wonder you get carded. He looks like a child and he wants to go age talking like Andrew Dice Clay. Yeah. It doesn't seem real. I feel like your parents just left you at home and you just came out tonight and just

like, hey, what's up? I'm just a comedian. I'm from the dark web. I love it. I love it. How old are you really? 32. 32. Holy shit. Oh my God. Benjamin Button's ass motherfucker over here. 32. Have you always just looked young? Yeah, I got good genetics. Yeah, you do. You look like if Charlie Sheen never got AIDS. You're like one and a half men. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. So Tim, how long you been doing stand up? Nine years. Nine years. Whatever. What do you do for work, Tim? I'm a retired web developer. You're a retarded web developer. Perfect. Absolutely great. I had a feeling when you said retarded, I'm like, this guy is correct. How are you a retired web developer? Did you develop something that made you rich? Yeah, the fucking dogecoin enterprise.

Oh shit, really? Yeah, really? Wow. Okay, relax. All right. I don't want you to shoot me with one of your little bang flag guns that you have in a holster. So can you tell us like ballpark how much money you made from dogecoin? Shitload. I don't know. I don't really tell people my net worth, you know, unless I mean, you know, but let's just say, let's just say, I don't know, I have two cars in my own house. Okay. All right. What are we talking? What are we talking like around here? We're talking like Round Rock or something like that. Ohio. Because we all basically have a house in Round Rock, you know what I mean? Red Band's got a mansion in Flugerville. Gotta check out Flugerville.

I'll tell you, he's got a fucking castle in Flugerville. You should see it. Double in its price. Six months. You'll take you to go see it. It's only a 53 minute drive north on the 35. That's great. Brian Simpson. When you said proven, I thought he was gonna say like, I have a Bugatti or something. This is what I'm gonna say, two cars in the house. Look at that. That's a garbage man. Got two cars in the house. You gotta say, impressive. What do you have that we don't have? That's what we want to know. I can't say more. Yeah. Tell us more. Tell us more about your lavish spending. We like this. This is like, this is like the movie Big with Tom Hanks where the little boy, the little boy got to live in his dream life. You have a trampoline

in your house and shit. Little pinball machines, one of those pianos you can jump on. I got nothing that's empty. It's completely stock. I got nothing in there. But yes, it's in Austin, I guess, technically. Something tells me he's not gonna be retired too long. How much money did you lose when Doge crashed? Just say I could have had a lot more millions of dollars. Okay, but you are a millionaire. Doesn't matter. I mean, who would fuck me if I, doesn't matter. I'm not gonna get laid anyway. It's a million dollars or not. You're probably not going to get laid. You have the same vitamin D intake as Red Bear. Come on. You guys are both in odd shade of green. It's a little bit more Nickelodeon slime. You're a little bit more.

It's called the metaverse. Google it, Tony. Yeah. You do a lot of VR? No. All right, geez. I love that. What do you do for fun? For fun, I'd send karaoke to myself at home, into my own computer. Really? You pretty much do everything on computers. Do you ever do anything social, Tim? You ever go out and do something for fun? I'll let you know if I think of something, but it's so far now. What the fuck are you? You just sit around a computer with your bad attitude all day? I'm a weirdo. Ryan Joseph says hi, by the way. He told me to say that. I love it. Very good. Are you ticklish? He's definitely ticklish, without a doubt. What's your love life like? Are you just an incel during your stand-up? I'm pretty good. I got a good dick. I'm not afraid

to say that. I don't do cuck comedy where I pretend I don't know how to fuck people. Okay. I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I don't know if you know this, but Hans is one for four. If you're seeing he does cuck comedy, I'm going to have him come out here and eat your pussy, dude. Because when he makes you come in front of all these people, you're going to be pissed. Brian Simpson. I figured it out, dude. He's the anti-Hans. It is. He's the opposite of Hans. He's not likable. His jokes aren't connected with everybody. No, it's just your vibe. You know that. Exactly, dude. He's Hans' venom. Yeah, he cancels. He's Hans Mr. Glass. Nine years of nothing. At least I got a Tesla like a jerk often.

All right. So we got it down to what's your other car? One's a Tesla and then you have a gas-powered car. Miata. Okay. All right. Little something more your size. You know what I mean? I love it. How long have you been doing comedy for? Nine years. Nine years. Yep. Here in Austin. In Chicago. In Chicago. Okay. How long have you been in Texas? About nine months. Nine months. What do you love about it? The guns. Yeah, it's fun, right? Yep. It is fun. You ever go to the range? Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. I'm not, I don't know how to use them. I just like buying them and waving them at people in traffic. That's right. That's beautiful. I like that. So you shoot guns sometimes. That's something that you do outside of the house? Once. Okay. One time

you went to the gun range. How about on your computer for fun? What's the most fun thing that you do on the internet? You mentioned the dark web. You've made money on that imaginary money that I don't really believe in, but I guess you're rich from it. Yeah, I do. I put businesses together. I have to pay a shitload in capital gains tax. And that's boring. I'm a Jew, so I know about accounting. Oh. I know about deprecation. Have you ever combined CBD with NFT yet? NFT is too gold for that ship. Yeah. But anyway, I had fun. I'm not too old for this shit. What are your, you have Jewish parents? What do they think about your lifestyle? They don't really talk to me much. That's why I do this. I think they called me once since I moved

here. And I, it feels bad. Is your Jewish father proud of you, though, for getting rich? He says occasionally, yeah, okay, that's okay. You're doing okay. Right. That's it. Right. You're picking up Dogecoin. He's picking up actual coins. Whatever. Okay, we'll edit that one out. I didn't realize that we were performing at a Jewish fundraiser here today. That was a Jewish dad picking up our ride. What's the longest set you've ever done? 15. If you want to do five minutes on my show Thursday, if you're... Whoa, look at that. You just got booked on a real life show. And you get one of these super cool joke books as well. Fuck yeah. There he goes. Tim.com, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. Let's get one out of the bucket here.

Another one. Hey, hey, hey. Make some noise for Ann Wynn, everybody, or Ari Wynn. Ari or Ann. Could be either one. N-G-U-Y-E-N is that last name. N-G-U-Y-E-N. All right. Here she comes, everybody. Make some noise, sir. Ari Wynn. Asian American Pacific Islander Heritage Month just sounds like a stranger trying to guess my ethnicity. Yeah, I'm the opposite of Hans, okay? I think we should just call it Chinese Heritage Month so that all the racist people know what's going on. You know, I just thought they were all Oriental. I am Vietnamese. I know you couldn't tell by my form. Mostly mostly because I'm built like a lowercase Samoan. I look like Lilo, okay? She was to dabble in psychedelics and maybe been to jail a few times.

Allegedly, there was a high demand for unvaccinated sperm, but I don't know what the issue is because I've had a bunch of vaccinated sperm and I'm perfectly fine. I'm vaccinated through a third party. Wow, look at that. Oh, is that a job interview? And they were like, are you vaccinated? Oh, is my time up? There you go. And then what'd you say after the vaccinated thing? Oh, and I said, yes, I'm vaccinated through Johnson and Jonathan. Wow. Incredible. Look at that. Ari Nguyen, am I saying that right? Ann Nguyen. Yes, sir. Ari. I have bad handwriting. Yes, you do. Yes, you do have bad handwriting. Ann Nguyen. Okay, welcome.

I like your style. You're like the Vietnamese Lizzo. Gizzo. I do got that juice, so. Jake Shields, what do you think about this young lady? I think this is going to be Hans' next girlfriend. Oh, shit. You like Asian guys? You seem like the kind of lady that might be into more of a Brian Simpson type, perhaps. Yeah, I mean, we are built the same, so. Wait, how dare you? I love that. Welcome to the show, Ann. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. Where at? Mostly in Dallas. Okay. And your first half of your set didn't really make much sense. What were you saying about the Chinese people, exactly, just so that I understand and we know exactly what to edit out? Because I'm just kidding,

we don't ever edit anything. Because, you know, Asian, American, Pacific Islander, that's too complicated. We should just generalize all Asians as Chinese. You know white people already do that, right? When you guys aren't around. There you go. Very, very cool. You live in Dallas, Vietnamese. Yes. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a beautician. Whoa. All right. Stop, red band. Put away the Asian instruments. We know that that is an Asian stereotype to be a beautician. You don't have to hit every string on the Asian guitar. Okay, Doki. All right. A beautician. Now, what kind of beautifying are you doing? Hair styling and makeup. Okay. Hair styling and makeup. And you have the hairstyle of the type of woman that would protest outside of a Joe Rogan show. Do you

ever protest anything? Do you ever march for any rights or anything like that? Yes, Brian. She's definitely sold her food stamps to people outside of Texas. I don't know. It looks like she's been using those. Yeah, you're right, though. I actually got surgery, so I haven't been using that. I love your pants. Is that the beginning of Simpsons right there? The Simpsons, the clouds. It's a big background. I love that. What do you do for fun, Ann? I just, I don't know. I like to read. Okay. I like to do comedy. What do you like to read? What's the last thing that you read? The Caballion. What is it? The Caballion. What is it? By three initiates. Whoa, tell us more. Little did I know that we would gather around the campfire to learn world lessons. It's a hermetics. Okay. Like a

philosophy type of book. Okay, so what did you learn from that? Honestly, everything's kind of the same. Hell, yeah. This is why I don't believe in reading. I can give you one. Do you want to read? Huh? What's your love life like? I'm pretty single. Yeah. What do you do? So like, what's your dating life? Like, are you on apps and stuff like that? No, I'm celibate. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. For how long? How long have you been celibate for? You look like the kind of girl that's been celibate for like 24 minutes. No. Yeah. Since like the fall, since November? Ah, the fall. Yes. Oh, yes. The fall. Brian. What the fuck does pretty single mean? Yep. What do you mean? That sounds like you're saying you're kind of single. Oh, no, no, I'm totally single. Okay. Totally single.

I'm available. But you don't go on dates? Not really. Why is that? Men just don't really intrigue me that much. Do women intrigue you? No. You're never... I've been feeling pretty asexual. Really? Yeah. Okay. All right. I don't believe her for some reason, right? Yeah. No, I don't either. The panel agrees on this one. We all think that you're living a secret double life, right? Wait a second. Do you think your Vietnamese parents are going to watch this show and that you don't want them to know that you're hanging out with black people? Probably not. Ah, I see. I see. What does your dad do? My parents owned a nail salon. Oh, wow. You can just play it as long as you want now. It's okay. Okay. Okay.

Wow. So it runs in the family. Okay. Your dad fight in the Vietnamese war at all? No, my grandfather did. Which side? For America and South Vietnam. Very good. Okay. Just making sure. Just checking that off my list. I have an earpiece in and sometimes government officials ask me to... Anyway, any special skills or talents that you have, you seem like the kind of girl that knows how to juggle while skateboarding or something weird like that, right? I can eat fire. Really? You can eat fire? Yeah. Okay. Does anybody have any fire that she could eat? Wow. No, don't do it. Don't do it. By the way, that's just her way of saying she likes buffalo wings, everybody. I love them.

I like it. So, all right. Wait, why do you know how to do that? Like were you just bored and like I'm already just licks the fire? Yeah. I was just going through something and looked up a class and went to the class. You went to a fire eating class. Wow. And they taught you how do you do that? Well, you have a torch, a metal torch. You dip in the liquid and you suck into the torch and then you blow it and fire comes out your mouth. And then you can just eat the torch. Okay. All right. Like the fire off the torch. You're making Red Band very hungry right now. It's exciting. I'm just thinking about those blowjobs. They're pretty probably dry, right? They're probably fucking fired in. All right. There she goes and win everybody here and take a choke buck.

There she goes. The great Anne win. Follow her. I can't read her handwriting. You guys want to do something fun, huh? How many of you have been listening to the show for a long time? Wow. That's a lot of you. Well, your inverse special treat about six months ago, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show retired because he was suffering from a debilitating disease known as ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, which slowly kills everybody that has it. And then somehow, in a miracle situation, just a few weeks ago, he came out of retirement. He's here. He's back again. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great Michael Lair everybody. And there seems to be some confusion. Guys, one more time for Michael Lair.

Yeah. Shut up. From darkness comes life. I see a future where Ukraine with the war. But I also see a future where Ukrainian soldiers party so hard after winning, having them die off in the low point. Now, today is Texas day because Michael Lair is a comedy business. That's a good day for me, especially. Can you imagine what I can write off for depreciation? Hey, hey. Hodgkin, when he goes down on this girl, he says, let me see that hot ass wasabi. Yo, that last chick represents the melting part of America. Well, I do not believe she's asexual because you don't wear pants like that if you're asexual.

I, Tony, set it off. All right. It's time for me to set it off. Michael, for the second week in a row, handed me a piece of paper before tonight's show. Very high production value that Michael adds. And so I'm going to read it. First of all, there's an extra Michael Lair bio gold medalist at the Improv Olympics coached by Sharna Halpern, inventor of improv. And now it is time for the improv event or as he calls it in in letter in what's that called fucking italics, loco of promotion. If Michael Lair wasn't a legendary comedian, he'd be a sellout advertising executive coming up with ads, jingles and slogans in a second. I'm going to come you. I'm going to come here. I'm just going to read this as it's written.

Gotta say that. In a second, I'm going to come you, our audience for suggestions of brand names. Okay, I'm going to come to you, our audience for suggestions of brand names, products, stores, you name it. And Michael will instantly show us why he was never allowed to work in advertising. So this is very, very exciting. Okay, someone already yelled out fruit loops. Here's Michael. Oh, my goodness. Oh, shit. Improv guru Michael Lair showing us why he is a bad sellout advertising executive. Absolutely incredible. It also says any, any categories, state celebrities, whatever, he can be the bad at what? Hemorrhoi cream is coming from a guy that sounds like he needs it.

I do believe it's Alex Jones up there visiting the show. Hemorrhoi green. Preparation age because preparation G didn't induce it for you. Okay, name something else people trojan trojan because you want your room based in pick grab a big day. There you go. It says celebrities here. Anybody want to name a celebrity for Michael Arnold Schwarzenegger. I live ways and then I win the fifth biggest economy in the world. And then I got my housekeeper pregnant. He did. He got his housekeeper pregnant is what he said there.

There are more projects brand names. I'm not anything like Clorox or Yeah, name a name a brand or a company Gerber. That's a good one. Gerber because your baby will eat anything. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's amazing. Hey, I just may I interrupt? Yeah. Yeah. Um, one, I love to see OJ senses kids doing so good. These are OJ's kids. You know, and um, takes years is an SJW like me. Um, he believes six mistakes.

Wait, what the fuck? No, wait, I didn't get that one. Did Jake punch you in the head while you were saying that? That was incredible. All right. How do we feel? You want to name another company or something? Yeah. All right. Give us another company people. Pixar. That's a good one. I agree. I agree, Michael. I'm anti cartoon as well. How about another company people? Oh, Spotify. That's a good one. Spotify because you love music but hate artists. That's a good, that's a good advertising slogan. All right. I love it. I think it's the funniest guy I've seen in a wheelchair.

It is. Yeah. Okay. One more one. Maybe this guy really wants Twitter. Pretty sure it's Elon Musk here in the front row. Twitter, because you're a white nationalist and you want to somewhere to scream. That is true. That's actually true. All right. Well, what else, Michael? Where do we go from here? Well, I wanted to bring up an important point. Okay. Like I take your grappler wrestler to district. Yeah. And forever it's been called cauliflower year, right? And that's what happens when you practice wrestling every day and your year looks like cauliflower. But there are a lot of people of color who wrestle

too. A cauliflower year is racist term. I think it's time to come up with a term for cauliflower year for our brothers and I think. Any ideas for a name? What? Any ideas for the name? Um, I think I know where you're going with this. I'm pretty sure I think. Are you going to say broccoli? No. I was brainstorming vegetables. And, um, well, at first I came up with myself. Um, no. Obviously, I'm starting to get more posting than any of you. That's true. Don't aw this man. He's balling out of control. Um, but I thought potato. Potato year for cauliflower year. You wouldn't just call it. It's a trap that you're setting for me where you get me to say. Okay, forget it. I'm not like that. Yeah, huh? Yeah. Yeah, you are.

I want all the life from myself. All right, let's go on an improv bang. An improv bang? Yeah, like, okay. Scanning fucking sounding like some shit. Okay. And I'm going to rapid fire. I love it. But you knew you were going to pitch this and you didn't tell me, but you're mentally prepared to have an improv bang right now. Motherfucker, you know, you know, talking to me during the week. Okay, what do we do? What's an improv bang? No, I mean, I'm sorry. Oh, I mean, I'm a couple more. Okay, give another apple. Actually, let's go with Mr. Clean because the apple guy already won. Basically, because you're a germaphobe and hate hair. All right, one more. Name it. Oh, Joe Biden.

Oh, Joe Biden. Because you want one term to feel like 20. Wow, I love it. Make some noise for the great Michael Lair, everybody. Come on. Come on, people, you can do better than that. One more time for Michael Lair. All right. The legend, the rolling icon, the improv guru, the mastermind, the butter body. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jack Pinkus, everyone. Wow, big pops from the middle of the room. Perhaps they think that they won something. All right, come on. Make some noise for Jack Pinkus, everybody. Let's go.

Thank you guys. I had a huge imagination growing up like most kids do. Always want to be a wizard. What kid doesn't want to be a wizard, right? Love reading Harry Potter. Oh, fucking Harry Potter. I pray, God, please, when I grow up, I want to get into Hogwarts. Well, I grew up like I warts all over my hog. Fuck. Fuck. I feel like there was some miscommunication here. Should have been a little clearer. Yeah. Me and my friends do workout competitions all the time on our Apple watches. I win every time. I've got a big secret, though. I just eat a ton of edibles and watch YouTube videos of pedestrians getting hit by cars. I close my rings in like five minutes. I love it.

But thank you guys for probably like 30 seconds. There you go. A lot of excitement. Let's go. Spent most of his energy excitingly yelling when I called his name from his seat and then came up here and did that, everybody. It's like he thought it was all over once he heard that name. Look at you. Incredible. Believe it or not, I've lived in Texas long enough to know that you're not from Texas. This guy looks like he got off a fucking spirit flight from LaGuardia today. And went shopping. Did you go anywhere except Sixth Street today? Have you just spent the day going up and down? Dirty Sixth. That's it. Oh, you already know the lingo. Look

at you. I think I might move here. Look at you. Absolutely. Oh, no, don't move here. Don't move. Where do you live? Chicago. We came down for this. When did you fly in? Saturday. Okay, Saturday. So you settled in a little bit. You got enough time to buy two different types of denim. Got in good and early on Saturday. Got yourself a little cowboy hat made of candle wax or whatever that is. Fucking, what is that shit? And that's coming from me who likes to dress like a not real cowboy. I love that. But the way you do it, it makes me mad. I'm well wondering if what I feel when I look at you is what a real person feels. Yes, it is, Tony. Yes, it is. Well, you can all go fuck yourself. God damn it, Jack. I'm on your side.

You look fucking great. Thank you, Tony. I love that. I love a man that bleaches his denim jackets. Very, very good. Looking like he just cleaned up a murder scene or something like this. This guy is fresh off insanity. Wild, wild. You remind me of a gay or Justin Timberlake. Has anyone ever told you that? Thank you. I'll take the compliment. Absolutely. Absolutely. Brian Simpson, what do you think about this guy? I just, I got a question for the crowd. Did y'all tell him not to move here because of his set? Yeah. We like, I saw the comedy. No, I don't come here. Don't don't don't feel sorry for this guy. He's doing fine. He got more money than the motherfucking Bitcoin motherfucker. Is that true? Are you, are you well off? Are you doing

good? I just got one car. Whoa, one car. What kind of car is it? CRV. Whoa. Hell yeah. CRV and HPV, huh? Is that true what you said? You really have warts on your hog or are you just trying to be funny? Yeah, this is my first time doing stand up, Tony. No, we know. I wasn't even going to ask. We're positive. I've been doing this long enough. I think he could be your new opener. Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think so. I wouldn't let this guy fucking open my car door for me. Okay, so Jack, you live in Chicago. What do you do for work? Medical device sales. Whoa, ball ring. I love it. What do you do for fun? Cause chaos in Chicago. Zanies. Like what? What do you mean? You just go to Zanies and watch comedy shows? Go crazy. Go to the playpen.

All right. What? I like to bring a little blow up boat out to the playpen in Chicago. You know that is all the yachts. Now I got a little blow up canoe. I paddle it out there with my buddies. Is that where you're born and raised Chicago? No, Minneapolis. Oh, so you upgraded to Chicago to the freezing cold fucking business town that is broken. Yes. And the crime rate's out of control right now. It's nuts. Yeah. And but I get the feeling you don't live where the crime is high in Chicago. I get the feeling you don't go to the south side of Chicago. Yo, who that gay ass cowboy? Yo. Hell yeah. Okay. So you got here Saturday. What do you love about Austin so far?

It's chaos. It's lawless. I haven't seen a police officer since I've got here. Right. It's nuts. That's right. What's going on? Absolutely. No, I know. That's what we do. That's what we do. I speed recklessly. You almost hit me. I was the guy in the lime. What do you mean? Those little scooters. You were the guy that almost hit me when you were speeding. Is that a joke? That was a joke. You son of a bitch. But the thing about your jokes is that we don't know. Yeah, they're secret. They're just for my family. We don't want to laugh at an impolite time and be rude. And we also just don't want to laugh. But there's also a bit of a bit of charm to you. Your friends seem to like you. Who are these people? It's my parents and

my girlfriend. Let's get these parents on stage. Come on. Come on. I want to meet the pinkesses. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. How are you related to these people? We love you, Tony. I love that. I love you guys. Jack introduced us to you. We've got a whole neighborhood watching you. Oh, fuck yeah. I love this. And you guys, Rob, this is so fun. Look at this guy knows how to work a fucking room. Look at this guy. This is the fucking talent right here. No, you take that mic, Mr. Pinkess. Can we give him a minute? Yeah. I love it. How many kids do you have? I've got two. Two. And this is the disappointment. What does the other one do? The other one is a nurse. Okay. Out there helping people, actually healing people. Laughter is the best medicine and your

son has none of that to give. And how about Mrs. Pinkess over here? Hi. How are you? I just love you. Oh, I love it. I love it. Thank you for playing his name. You're so excited. Heck yeah, I love that. I love you. I love you in all the videos where you call cops on black people. Yeah, I love it. This is awesome. You have the coolest fucking parents. They got me into comedy. They were bringing me to the clubs when I was younger. I love it. Wow, look at that. How fucking cool. Mr. Pinkess, what do you do for work? I'm in medical sales here. So. Oh, so you got him the job? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. A medical what? Sales. So yeah, so you guys basically do the same thing. Kind of he's the funny one. I'm not the funny one. And how about Mrs. Pinkess over here?

How about the lovely Mrs. I'm a teacher. Oh, hell yeah, you are. Absolutely. What are you teaching exactly? Fifth grade. Oh, okay. So you're teaching. So you're teaching kids what gender they should be and do you ever share anything because I don't remember any of this. When I was back in school, my teachers were all, you know, quiet and mean. Do you talk about critical race theory or? What are you doing, Roganish? You do? We are learning it. Teachers learn it. Okay. And what about all the stuff that's happening? What do they tell you to teach kids about the question their gender? Yeah, that's a tough one. Okay. Yeah. What did you say when your son asked you? Mommy, I don't feel like a real man. Son, it's okay. Cowboys are real men.

Put this hat on. Put this hat on. His beautiful girlfriend is out there. Wait, get the girlfriend up here. Come on. Let's get the whole fucking family. I want you to start calling in. Whoa. Look at that. Hell yeah. That's how girls dress in Chicago, everybody. Look at this. Oh my goodness. Wild. Hello. How are you? What's your name? My name is Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca. What do you do? I am a graduate student. Okay. All right. What are you studying? Doctor of physical therapy. Whoa. Look at that. So you have to practice massages sometimes on gay woody over here, huh? On fucking jokeback mountain over here. How long have you been with this boy? Five years. Five years. Oh my goodness. Look at that.

Wow. And to think you guys are perfect for each other. You're the same height. You're the same breast size. It's incredible. I mean, that is a match made in the suburbs of Chicago. Where do you guys really live? Like Skokie or something like that, right? Am I close? Old town. What? Old town, right by Second City. Oh, okay. Yeah, I met Michael there outside, actually. Okay. Connected. All right. Absolutely. He's never rolled away faster from anybody. He peeled out. Incredible. Look at this beautiful family. I mean, yeah, they're making me feel like Mr. Pinkes wants to say something. You are funnier in person than you are on YouTube. Wow. Thank you.

I'll take that as a compliment. It is true. And Revan, he's even cooler, you know, in person. Yeah. Well, well, the YouTube ads 40 pounds. I have a filter on me right now. Oh my goodness. I love this show because crazy shit like this happens sometimes where I get to meet a whole big, happy, crazy family. I don't know. You guys in Austin, people aren't this happy unless they all have ketamine on them. So I mean, it's incredible to see people using their natural serotonin and dopamine and just letting it rip. Brian Simpson. Hey, Tony, this family, this looks like the family that was playing that gospel music on the airplane. They got that. They got the whitest game show host energy of any family have ever seen.

Oh my God, they do. It is incredible. I love it. Wow. You guys are the coolest. What are you guys doing tomorrow night? Oh, you have to fly back tomorrow. Oh, okay. Well, then I won't invite you to what I was going to invite you to. I was going to invite you guys tickets to the show. Not not that you stand up, but right. But it's okay. You have to get back to Chicago and sell medical devices to pay for. Yes. You're a beautiful family. Congratulations. Your first time on stage and you got to share it with these cool people. There he goes, everybody. One more time for Yeah, fuck. Yeah. One more time for Jack Tankus, everyone. Yeah. All right. You got to see a man perform for the first time ever on stage. And now we go to our

newest regular, a new minute from this young man. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great LSH, everybody. Here he is. Austin, where you at? Make some noise, goddammit. I love y'all. I love y'all. Hey, don't you hate it when people talk shit about your appearances if you don't know what you look like? Like, I know I look like ice cube if you ordered them off wish, but I don't need you to tell me that shit, okay? Man, but that's some haters shit, man. I got haters. Like, see, I don't mind haters, but it's like only in the daytime, you know, like motherfuckers hit me up before I am talking about you need to go die. I'm like, bitch, you need to go to sleep. This could have been a lunch text. This is a lunch text right here. Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm about to quit acting because I am tired of my agent hurting my feelings. This bitch will submit me for the craziest shit. It'll be like looking for a black male short stocky potentially on the spectrum who's conventionally unattractive. I said, God dang, I'm reading that bitch over, like maybe on the spectrum. That's bullshit. I called her up. I said, Hey, Stacy, she goes, don't even say anything. I look, I seen the role and you were the first person that came to mind. I said, bitch, there's 80 people on the roster. What the fuck you mean? I'm the first person. All right, y'all. Hell yeah. Ellis H. Everyone, the newest regular, just a few sets in here on his kill Tony tenure. And I like your style. You're dressing better already. I like the

safari outfit that you came in today. This is very good. You look like Martin Luther Tiger King. That was good. That was good. That was really good. Never used to never got a chance to use that one before. Been waiting a long time. Every night I come here with it in my notes. Use if black man is dressed in safari clothes. Martin Luther Tiger King got you. I love it. You do dress like the father from family matters. This is exciting. Those are some white tube socks, though, representing the tight squeeze. What just happened? Thank you, queen. You're gonna make me break up with my girlfriend in this bitch. Oh, shit. Damn. Look at this hoe over here trying to pick up Ellis. I like it. Thank you.

Over here. Don't be distracted by basic bitches. Brian Simpson. How back does your girlfriend treat you with a little bit screaming from the corner to make you break up with her? Hey, okay. Hold on. Whatever treats me that nice. I wet him, camera. Baby, I love you. This is just a joke. I fucking love my girl. But I'm just trying to entertain. You know, you know, it's show business. Yeah, I know. Just funny style. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm about to say if any girl came over here right now, a roundhouse to shit out of them. Right now, I don't give a fuck. I will Dragon Ball Z kick the shit out of a bitch.

That's right. You're dressed for that as well. So you have free legs. They can float around and fly around the room. Very cool. So Ellis, how's life been going? Dude, life has been going good. Ladies and gentlemen, go to Amazon Prime as soon as you leave here. Go get the Good Hearts Club. It's only $4.99. I know y'all are kidding on $4.40 because y'all are all here. I see all these drinks and shit. So go ahead and get it. What is that? It's a movie. I'm in that bitch room. Top to bottom from an hour 30. Really? Hell yeah. Google me. Okay. So you're in a movie. The Good Hearts Club.

The Good Hearts Club. Yeah. And I'm also in a film called Invitas that's on Apple TV. I'm not in that bitch. I'm only in that shit for 30 seconds, but it's still good. Okay. It's still good. All right. How's stand-up been going? What have you been doing with that? Stand-up. I've been going hitting, you know what I'm saying? Doing my rounds, doing shit in Austin, San Antonio, San Marcos, you know what I'm saying? Just trying to get back in the field of, you know, acting and been slowing down. So I'm trying to get into it. Yeah, exactly. And most of the acting that you've been doing, and that's feature or shorts.

I'm still making fun of what you're wearing. You thought I was moving on with genuine questions about your acting career. I really did. I really did. I was like, oh my God, yeah. Brian. I didn't know he was active. This explained why I ain't getting no roles. This nigga's the one taking my role. Yeah, exactly. You guys are going after the same audition. Just a better version of me. Yeah. It's like my Wario. Yeah. No doubt. It is incredible. Slightly, slightly, Ellis, what do you do for a workout? How do you stay in that shape? Well, I mean, shit, I'm fat right now. So the only shape I'm in is in a fucking circle, but

shit, man. I mean, just 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups before I go to bed. And then when I wake up. Whoa. Damn, Mike, why are you laughing so hard? It's pretty hard. You're laughing like, oh, shit. You can do 100 push-ups? Well, not right now, no. Why not right now? Because I'm not going to hit that. How many do you think you should try to do 100 push-ups right now? There's no way you could do fucking 100 push-ups. I would, I would bet, I would bet a lot of money that you, 47. Can I hit a smooth 20? Like a 20? Bro, let me hit 20. What the fuck? You could hit probably 20 or 30.

You think 30? Bro, I don't, you know, you should not have any. Jake Shields has you at 30. That's the height. Yeah, you're about 30. 30.1. All right, here he goes. Trying to do 31 push-ups. 31, 31. Let's get it. Wait a second. Those aren't really push-ups. 30, 30, 30, 30, 30, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28. Those are the shortest push-ups I've ever seen. I didn't realize you had tiny arms until right

now. This guy's out here doing T-Rex push-ups. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13. That's another one. But I still did them though. He did do them. Ellis gets genuinely angry at me sometimes. Dude, I love Tony, dude. He made me like a broke dude who wanted to do comedy. Who's a broke dude who's doing comedy.

That's right. That's right. And once you get good at it, you'll make money. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Ellis is a stud. I love it. Ellis, great set, fun times. You're super cool, super likable. We love you. Ellis H, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. Oh, yeah. We haven't had a girl up yet, huh? Yeah, we did. Yeah, we had Anne Nguyen. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Eric Elmsator. Perhaps Elm Bader or Elm. Yeah, Elmsator.

Here he is. One more time for Eric, everybody. Come on. So my wife gets invited to this event for women in business, which is great. We're new in town and we need to get to know new people. But when she comes home, she's all fucking emotional and shit. And I look at her and I'm like, honey, it looks like you've been crying. Is everything okay? And little does she know I'm not trying to be supportive here. I'm not trying to win a point somewhere. So I mean, she's just, it was so good. I mean, these people just opened up and told their stories and it was so emotional.

They went through such hardships. And I'm like, well, so I mean, were you crying like all the time? He's like, no, no, like two, three times. You're focusing on the wrong thing. I'm like, well, did everybody cry? I mean, give me a sense of the mood here. Like, did it cry like less than you or more than you? And she's like, well, the same. And you know, then she starts looking at me and realizing that, wait, hold on here. He's not trying to comfort me. Like he's doing the math and fucking I'm doing the math. Like there's 30 girls for one hour together in a room trying, crying three, four times. I fucking knew that's what they do all day long. Thank you.

Wow. All right. Eric Elmsator. Okay. I thought perhaps you were going to shoot everybody in the room at the end of that. Jesus Christ, Eric. How's it going, man? How are you? You okay? I have a feeling the worst is starting now. So I'm not sure. Ask me a bit, man. Oh my goodness. You have a good fit on everything. Your clothes fit you and you seem completely mentally unstable. These two things do not match at all. You seem like you should be your own therapist. How's life going, Eric? Did you recently go through a big breakup, a long relationship end? I actually just got married. Oh, okay. Perfect. Well, just goes to show how strong my instincts are. Am I right? I love it. Okay. So you just got married.

How long ago? One week on Wednesday. Wow. Okay. Super soon. You got married here in Austin? Fuck yes. State capitol. Absolutely. Okay. How long have you lived here? Since August. All right. Where'd you live before that? Northern Sweden. Oh, okay. Sweden. And then they let all the reindeers out. What? Reindeers out. I don't know where you're going. I can't. I'm trying to help you now. You have to talk into the tip of the microphone. Sorry, man. There you go. Welcome to show business. Okay. It's a lot harder than what it seems. What made you want to leave Sweden? Well, so my company opened a branch here and I had a US passport, so I got to go and open the business there. Very cool. Lovely place, right? Everybody's

beautiful. Oh, fucking love it here. Yeah, it's incredible. I thought I was going to get really fat really quick. Right. But the AIDS wouldn't let that happen to you. Okay. So what field do you work in? I run a solar company. Okay. Absolutely. That's right. That's why you didn't give off a lot of energy here tonight. Oh, shit. Oh my God. I'm sure my panel would agree with me that the solar guy sucks. He definitely should keep the day job. I love it. Hell yeah. So what's up? A bunch of libtards giving you money? I'm just kidding. I'm joking. I just like saying the word libtard any chance I get. Brian? It was harder to understand him than the dude in the wheelchair. Yeah, it is true. I was listening harder than the motherfucker to just do the talking.

Hey, I mean, I might be wrong. I'm new in town, but picking a foreign boy is racism, isn't it? Like I don't know what he just said. You only... I'm going to have Michael Laird translate. You only hear the end of the story because I thought he was telling us about a divorce and then he was like 30 women in a room and that's all I heard. Yeah. It's zippers down, by the way. It's your first time doing stand-up? Yeah. Okay. Very cool. And this is something that you've always wanted to do? I mean, I'm not going to quit my day job for a good reason, but I thought it would be a really good or cool thing to try. Like it's pretty fucking nerve-wracking and like, you know, learning something about yourself. So, you know,

wow. I mean, yeah. Nerve-wracking is also trying to convince people that solar is better than coal or oil or things like that, too. You know what I'm talking about, American? Solar's badass. I mean, if I could afford a nuclear power plant, I would buy that tomorrow, but you know, you're going to start somewhere, guys. Absolutely. Now, you seem like a pretty nerdy guy. What do you do for fun? Like, what's your nightlife like? Well, I play a lot of golf, work a lot. Golf and what was that other thing? I work quite a lot. You work by what? I work quite a lot. Work quite a lot. Okay. It's a wacky accent. What's the accent from? Where are you from originally? Sweden. That's where you're from from? Oh, okay. So this whole thing that you're doing, like, I knew that you

were in Sweden, but I thought you just went there to start your company or whatever. But that's where you're born and raised? Yes. So this whole America thing is new to you? Yes. Right. And what is the major difference that you love the most about being an American? Oh, the weed, man. I mean, two things. You don't get good shit for one back home. Secondly, you have to deal with really fucking dodgy people. Yeah. I actually once bought weed in Sweden, in Stockholm, Sweden. And yeah, it was all seeds. It was just literally the worst weed that I've seen since being in Youngstown, Ohio, which by the way, basically weed wise is Sweden. Pewdiepie. And it is horrendous out there. But you've been smoking your whole life?

No, no. I mean, I tried it once or twice, hated it, came here, fucking loved it. Right. So now you smoke regularly. Whoa, look at that. Oh, look at that little vape pen. No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I have tons of it. I have tons of it. How about your new wife? Where'd you meet this lady at? Well, she's right here if you want to meet her. No, I don't. You don't. You don't have that jackpinkest energy. You know what I'm saying? I know when I want to meet somebody's. I love this guy. Hell yeah. I met her in Oslo. What? I met her in Oslo. In Oslo? Yes. Norway. Very good. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck you know that. It was once home to the Olympics, the Winter Olympics of 98. I'm going to say 92, man. All right. That could have been 92.

Anyway, what does she do? She works in an AI startup. Okay. Oh, artificial intelligence. Okay. That explains why you're a fucking robot. You're my favorite Spider-Man, though. Yeah. Anyway. Eric, that's fun. Have you noticed anything change in your life sexually in the one week that you've been married? No, it's still pretty fucking great. Not really. You seem like the kind of guy that only does missionary. It seems like you think every other position is like Satan's. The Satan's work or something. I mean, you're not far from that. It's a little more missionary. Hell yeah. Your wife is like, should we try another position? You're like, Norway. So stupid. Stupid. Well, I activated the lights on that one. Look out.

Lights activated. That's our NBA Jam's version of being on fire right now. So look out. I could. I love that. Okay. Well, Eric, fun times. Nice to meet you. Your first time ever doing stand-up. How do you feel right now? Great. There you go. Eric Elmsator. Eric, take one of these. Have a joke book. Congratulations. What do you guys think? One more time in this bucket, huh? All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Sam Prickett, everybody. Sam Prickett. Here he is. One more time for Sam Prickett, everybody. Hey, thanks. I'm in a relationship now because I took Molly and accidentally said I love you. I like being in a relationship. You get to do things you can't do when you're single, you know?

I have period sex for the iron. That's most of it. I'm anemic. The doctor prescribed it. It's like you got to eat spinach and fuck on the full moon, and I did. Some dudes don't have period sex. It's like, what are you, a fucking baby? What's wrong with you? Yeah, I don't want blood on my dick. Why? Makes your dick feel like a prize fighter, kind of, you know? It's just covered in blood. Like, you should see the other guy. What a pussy. Literally. And, all right. Very nice. Wow. That's as good as it gets right there. That's a minute from Sam Prickett. Hello, Sam. Hell yeah. None of that pussy Swedish comedy we were getting used to there. He came in like a real fucking American. Coming in fucking eight-mile

style on this date. This is your moment. That last guy before you did not miss his chance to blow, if you know what I'm saying. And then you came up with straight-up Eminem energies. This is great. Killer minute. You've been doing stand-up a little while? Yeah, like five, six years. Five or six years. All of it here in Austin? No. I started in North Carolina, then I went to, like, Chicago for like four years. Yeah, you are fantastic. How long have you lived here? Like, just over a year now. Just over a year now. You're excited about this comedy boom that's happening here. You're a part of it, huh? I love it. Brian Simpson. Yeah, I just want to say, man, that was fantastic, man. You like to follow after that dude bombed that bad and then bring

the room back up. And then you saved that little hook for the end. I like that. That's fucking jokesmanship right there. That's great. Five or six years. So you've been running through the scene, Chicago. Okay. And how do you make a living? How do you survive? Poorly. I don't know. I've been trying to get, I'm trying to get a job right now. That's really what it is. My girlfriend fucking, I was living in my car and my girl, like a girl loved me and then let me crash into it. What kind of job do you want? What do you, what are you good at? What might you be able to do? I'm good at comedy. Other than that, I'm pretty fucking useless. Yeah. I don't know, man. Yeah, I'm trying. You don't have like experience in anything? What are other jobs

you ever work at? Like a GameStop or something like that? Like like, yeah. Nailed that. No, no. I worked on the docks in Chicago. Okay. Because I thought it'd be cool, but it was not right. Yeah. Yeah, just sucks. Yeah. Freezing cold. Yeah. Yeah. I was up and I'm third Chicago fourth. If you count Michael air fourth Chicago comedian on this show for those of you paying attention. If you have to the kill Tony bingo cards, Mark off Chicago. I love it. That's incredible. So you're working the docks out there just freezing your ass off. Yeah, it was like six in the morning. It's absolute hell out there. I used to have to do morning radio at that time. And I would think to myself, wow, what an absolute fucking shithole. Yeah, that's

terrible. And you would get out of the car and you have to run from the car to the door because it's so fucking blistering, blowing cold at every orifice, every direction, both your butthole and your face at the same time just freezing. It is hell. It's absolute hell. Chicago, the what truly other than Buffalo, the worst place to live in the United States of America. Buffalo, never rest. Always know I will always cover you first. I'm sorry, John. John Dees. I always forget John is from Buffalo. He's wearing a hat that says Buffalo on it right now. I'm sorry, John. You're literally the only good thing to ever come out of Buffalo. Is there anything else? The chicken wings, chicken wings. The wings. Yeah. Oh, Rick James. Okay. Hell yeah.

Sam Prickett. So tell us what else. Are you really in love with your girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How long have you two been together? Like a year. Okay, cool. What does she do? She works at a restaurant. I know she works at a restaurant. Okay. For some reason, I want to help you get a job. You're sure you don't know anything other than comedy that you can do? I'm a quick learner. That's what I tell people. Is anybody hiring any of you CEOs? What are you hiring for? 100%. Whoa. Look at that. A shipping assistant at Garrison Brothers Distillery. This is what we do. We're running a Ron DeSantis type of economy here at Kill Tony. This is the United States of America, where everybody has a chance at a hot meal and a good job. It's as easy as Zip Recruiter. That's

right. That's right. Go to Zip Recruiter. Use the promo code Kill Tony. That is a perfect Zip Recruiter app. That's how it is. Nobody helps you get jobs like Kill Tony. I love it. I love it. So you'll find them after the show and give them your info. For real? I fucking need this. Yeah. All right. For sure. I love it. You guys located downtown. How far away is your distillery? It seems like it might be like 40 minutes away or something. Can you drive me first of all? Can I get arrived here? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. All right. Yeah. I could already see why this isn't going to work out. Come on. No, no, no. I just watched him get a job and basically quit the job at the same time. I had a feeling your car wasn't going to make it to whatever distillery

they're fucking trying to drag you to. Anybody else hiring? Anybody else? How about this white guy with the arms crossed CEO energy over here? Yeah. You're not hiring for anything. Do you need to like a peg boy at your office or like? Yeah. Hell yeah. Someone you could just handcuff to a radio. You're from Chicago. Get the fuck out of here. Did you sign up tonight? You didn't. Do you have a minute? You want to try it? You do? Holy shit. It looks like you do. How many do you think we should have this complete stranger come up here? Here he comes. This place is wild tonight. Here he is. What's your name? BJ. You're going to kick out of that one. What's your name? BJ. Everybody, his Kill Tony debut. He didn't even sign up. The ultimate being put on the spot.

This is 60 seconds from BJ. Yes. I'm from the Midwest and I like to hunt. I don't know if that's if that's cool anymore. I got into an argument with the neighbor that was hunting out. I shot this pheasant and it fell over on his side of the land. And I said, not wanting to be a wimp, I'll rush and bow you for it. And for those of you who don't know what that is, that you take a turn kicking each other in the groin. So I sat my guy down. I went first and I hit him and boom. He was sweating. I thought he was going to pass out. I thought it was going to have to call the ambulance. And after seven minutes, he got up. He said, how long was that? I said, that was good. That was seven minutes. And he said, okay, it's my turn. I said, nope, you can keep the pheasant.

That's it. That's all I got. What's crazy is this guy goes straight into it. I'm literally this. This is what it takes. This is how we're going to start finding comedians. So I'm just going to point to people in the audience. This is incredible. You're incredible. This is you guys are great up here. Oh, I saw you on Friday. This guy killed. He's unbelievable. Yeah. Brian Simpson is unbelievable. Give it up for this guy right here. He is awesome. Brian and I are performing in front of 14,000 people this Wednesday at Dickies Arena in Fort Worth, Texas. That's just what we do on Wednesday nights. You know what I mean, Brian? I love how the American came up here on the spot. Never done stand up before and blew that Swedish mother

fuck out of the water. Yeah, absolutely. I'm getting, I'm hearing a rumor that the Swedish guy's wife wants to blow you right now, BJ. So it's very exciting. BJ, thank you so much. That was so awesome. Thank you. Come back again sometime. You guys are great. Thank you. Give it up for my new inlaw, Heather. She's getting married on Saturday. Wait, who's that? Heather right here. She's getting married on Saturday to my cousin. That's why I came in. Oh, that's your cousin? No, my cousin's getting married or she'll be my new cousin in law. So what are you doing with it? You banging her until she gets married? What's going on here, BJ? He couldn't be here. I got car trouble, so. Oh, shit. Good friend here. That is true. It does look like she loves BJs.

There he goes, BJ, everybody. Bye, BJ. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. What's the longest set that you've ever done in your entire stand up career? 20 minutes. 20 minutes. I'd love to have you do five minutes Thursday at the secret show. Wow. Look at that. Your book, Sam Prickett's in the mix. Take one of those. You did it, my friend. Very, very great. Unbelievable performance. That's a lot of the, you know, people think that when we moved from LA that the talent pool would get smaller. But meanwhile, all the best people from around the country are moving here to Austin because they listen to podcasts and have boatloads of common sense. So it's very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen,

in a show like this, there's only one way to end it, and it is with the longest standing regular in the show's history. A man that works absolutely continuously, opening for me all over the road, including this weekend in Miami, five shows. He opens for Joe Rogan all the time, all around the country. Make some noise for the big red machine, William Montgomery. Please keep it going for the funny Swedish guy, Bob Faggot. Anybody else film planes every time they take off just in case you can sell the footage later? Okay, just me. That is a plane crash joke in case you were wondering what that was. It's an ethnic comedian, really an ethnic comedian. If they don't do a 10 minute bet where they

exaggerate their appearance, English is a second language. We get it. Your parents are struggling to assimilate into American culture. That's a pretty good joke. I thought that was going to go better. What the fuck is going? I recently asked Dennis Rodman if the carpets matched the drapes. He actually didn't respond. He was in the stall of a bathroom at the airport and seemed really busy. Kidnapping conjures up a sweet image, just a kidnapping, but babysitting? You better not sit on my baby. It's time for a new rating system in movies. From now on, children under 30 aren't allowed to watch any of the Muppet movies. What the fuck are those things? They're like out of one of my fucking nightmares. Seriously, what are they? Animals? Puppets? Seriously, what is a Muppet?

I can't fucking figure it out. Jake, what are they? Is it an animal? What is it? No idea. What the fuck is a Muppet, Jake Shields? I can't help you on that one. Actually, Jake, in all seriousness, I haven't done my taxes yet. Aren't you a tax attorney? Unfortunately not. Okay. I looked up Jake Shields earlier and a tax attorney came up. Okay, I'm just curious. I was wondering that when I walked up here. I was watching you. I was curious. Okay. You just ignored all the MMA clips and found a tax attorney and you're like, that's what Eminence outgrab me out. That must be the guy. Yeah. Why is a tax attorney coming on Kill Tony tonight? I didn't understand it. UFC IRS, what's the difference? You know what I mean?

Close enough. Yeah. I feel like William thought he was, I feel like William thought he was googling his name. He just typed tax attorney. He just lost time. Yeah, I really didn't do my taxes earlier. What does that mean? I'm going to go to fucking jail tomorrow. Seriously, what does it mean? I'm horribly on edge. Have you ever done your taxes? Who the fuck said no? Get that bitch out of here. William famously kicks people out of the show. You got to watch out the security here at Vulcan famously, famously very ruthless. Yeah. Why would you fucking say no after you asked if I done my taxes before? Why the fuck would you assume I haven't done them before? Yes. Keep it fucking your mouth shut, bitch. There you go. Handle that without a doubt.

Keep that fucking dick sucker shut. Hell yeah. You better keep that fucking sloppy dick sucker shut. We know what you fucking do. You're not fooling anyone. Oh my god. Can you get a load of that bitch, Jake? What the fuck is going on? I have no idea what's going on. She probably has a dick sucker on her, doesn't she? Now, do you do that a lot? Do you call women's mouths dick suckers?

I've actually never done it before. It just came to me right then. Wow. That is incredible. We haven't seen. We haven't seen improvising like that in a long time. Yeah, it's been a while. After the fucking disaster last week, dear god. What happened last week remind everybody here. I thought I was getting replaced on the show. It was a horrible. What do you mean you forgot? You instigated all of that, Tony. I was horrified. The truth is William, I didn't forget. I just wanted you to repeat it out loud. I remember it very clearly. Casey Rockett went up before you and absolutely smashed as hard as any human possibly can. I was like, I'm not going to be able to do

this. I need to walk out the fucking back door right now. I'm quitting. I'm moving back to Memphis. I seriously almost moved back to Memphis. I'm glad you didn't. What do you mean I should keep your fucking dick sucker shut, bitch? Yeah, I don't know if you know this, but red man literally is a homosexual man, which I'm fine with, but he probably sucks a bunch of dick. Look at that fucking mouth on you, dude. Whoa, God. Keep it shut. Yikes. I love it. So funny. I can't believe LSH let you wear the clothes he was wearing. I know we had to very quickly change changing each other's clothes up in the bathroom. And he made a pass at me. Did you all know that about Alice? He's a real creep. He made a pass at me in the bathroom. What did he do? What did he say? He just whispered,

I'm looking forward to your set tonight. He touched my bottom when I didn't have anything on. I didn't have any underwear or anything on. I literally. Wow. When you guys changed clothes, why did you also change underwear? Why did you guys, why did you have no underwear on in the bathroom with LSH? It felt right. I kind of, if I'm being really honest, yeah, I just wanted to kind of be naked with Alice for a little bit up in the bathroom and William, you know, I know we're all just kidding around here. We are just a lot of jokes on this show, but shut the fuck up. Oh, Ellis, what's up? Oh, wow, there he is. God, I was hoping you weren't seeing any of that, Ellis. Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious. It is incredible how you blend in with the.

It's literally impossible to see here right now. Is he still there? Yeah, I'm literally, I'm looking up. I don't know. Oh my goodness. And not being funny. I literally can't tell. William, before I let you go, I have a question for you because this, that whole bathroom thing has me thinking that you do seem like the kind of guy, you know, there's, there's a weird culture in men's restroom. Some guys, they go up to a urinal, they pull it out of the top of the underwear. Some guys go through the p-hole. Some guys pull their shorts all the way down to their ankles. When you go, when you, when you go peeing at a urinal, William, what, how do you, what, what's your style? I will just do my shorts down to my ankles. I don't do my boxers, but I

do my shorts down. Sometimes it might be wet under there. My shorts get fucking wet. Just the other night I was at a fucking Applebee's. I have to go pee. I fucking do my shorts all the way down. I have to walk back to my fucking table at that Applebee's with my fucking shorts soaking wet. It's so embarrassing. It's so horrible. Happens once a week. Wow. I'm so glad that I asked. Incredible. And Tony, I was wondering what size swimming trunks do you wear? I'm going to get us some matching swimsuits for Miami this week. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll take a, I mean, I, I like things a little bit smaller, a little bit more form fitting. So I'll go with a, I'll go with, are you asking my waist size or like my pink? He wants pink. He wants pink. Yeah, no, I'm just asking. I'm

really just trying to get at, can we go swim when we're down in Miami? Yeah, cool. Yeah, we're staying at a nice hotel. Cool. And we can go swimming in the ocean. If you, I mean, I don't really, come on, Tony. No, we don't need to come on. I really want to go swimming in the ocean. I see I'm worried. I was worried you were going to say we weren't. Yeah, we're not swimming in the ocean. We could swim at the pool at the hotel. It's going to be nice. Okay. I'm sorry. This said, I was feeling pretty good about it. Now I'm a horribly thrown off. I was literally worried you were going to say we weren't going to go to the ocean. Come on. You know what? Come on. What are you thinking? You know what? I changed my mind. We're going to go swimming in

the ocean this weekend. You follow William on Instagram where he'll be posting all about our swim escapades this weekend in Miami, Florida. There he goes. The great William Montgomery. How about one more time for William, everybody? How loud can this place get for my amazing guess? Jake Shields and Brian Simpson. Check out Brian Simpson on the new Netflix special, The Standups, season three. Listen to his podcast BS with Brian Simpson. Follow him on social media. Jake Shields has a brand new clothing line out at americanfight.com. Follow him at Jake Shields. All one word. How about a hand for the band, everybody? The Kill Tony band. Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. That's the great John Dees on the keys.

Matt Mueling on guitar. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And the great D Madness on the bass guitar right behind me. Let's check out this drawing from the amazing local artist Chris Rogers who's been drawing this entire time. It appears as though we have a classy William Montgomery on our hands. So look out. I'm sure that that's for sale after tonight's show. And a reminder, there's a bunch of great exclusive merch for sale in the corner. Find the great Avery over there. And Ryan J. Ebelt drew, as always, every episode available. Ryanjebelt.com and that's it. We did it again. Thank you to the Red and Yellow Rose, White Claw, Red Bull and the W Hotel. Thank y'all for coming out, everybody. Good night, everyone. Thank you. Hell yeah. The Pincas's.

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