KILL TONY - #557 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, Michael Lehrer, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/25/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill

Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. How about a hand for the band, everybody? There it is, the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on drums, everybody. And Dave Sheer filling in on guitar tonight. Look at this guy. Look at that. And of course that's the great D Madness on the bass guitar. Wow. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, Red Bull, White Claw and the W Hotel, where right now you can save 25% on a Sunday or Monday night by using the promo code Kill Tony at Austin Zone. Very nice W

Hotel. And here's a little bit more about the other amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right now. Hey, y'all. Indeed it is Tony HinchCliff here telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand up comedy. Lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me all around the country. We're back at it. Salt Lake City, May 20th and 21st, Buffalo, June 10th and 11th, Atlantic City, New Jersey, June 24th and 25th, Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th, Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th and the 30th, Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas, Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return September 29th, 30th and October 1st. Excited to get back

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Very, very exciting. Every single episode I've won a two of the funniest comedians in the world. I absolutely fucking love these guys. It's always great when some of our New York brothers make it here to Austin and we get to show them the kind of wild fun that we've been doing. It's to Austin and we get to show them the kind of wild fun that we've been having here on Mondays in Texas. This is a very special one, very funny episode coming at you because these guys are the hosts of my favorite podcast out there, the R U garbage podcast. Make some noise for Kevin Ryan and H Foley everybody. What? Oh hell yes. Absolutely. Fuck yeah. Kevin Ryan. H Foley. We're here.

Fuck yeah. Welcome guys. Thanks for having us man. This is great. This is your guys' first time. Holy shit. All right. Yes. On kill. I thought that was ice cream. We have a bucket of ice cream coming. At Kevin Ryan comedy at Foley Grams, the R U garbage podcast, which I've done multiple episodes. Very, very rare for me to do a New Yorkers podcast. Normally I just say that I'm busy with but when you guys ask me, I always do it. Thanks, man. We love you man. Thank you. Was Tony garbage? Do you guys? Oh yeah, for sure dude. He got money and bought a Corvette. That's trash. You don't even, you haven't even seen my new Corvette. I traded in that fucking shitty 2019. Got the Barbie car. Oh yeah. I literally have 80% of my net worth tied up with this Corvette right

now. It's pretty exciting. That's new money trash baby. That's what we like to fucking hear baby. We're going to have fun tonight. It's your guys' first time here. A bunch of people signed up for this bucket. It's crazy. We pull a name out and somebody comes up here and tries to do stand-up comedy. Sometimes it's a great local comedian. Sometimes it's a brand new first time ever somebody fucking trying. Everything good over there? You guys good? This gaggle of geese here in the corner. You guys okay? Fucking sex in the shitty over here. What's going on? You guys all right? You see the microphones? You're at a big kid's show tonight ladies. I know you're not here to see your fucking divorcee friends fucking. So just pipe down over there because everybody can hear you

because your voices are loud and fucking annoying. Plain ass fucking Westlake fucking mothers hired the babysitter. A bunch of fucking people. Someone drove their Porsche Cayenne here tonight. I know what's going on over here. Some of those mountain cougars. You know what I'm talking about? All right. I pulled their name out. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I asked them a bunch of questions about their life. We all make fun and have fun and figure out what makes them special and tick. Are you guys ready

to start the fucking show or what? Let's go. God damn right. Well let's start it with something special. Let's start it with one of our favorite regulars in the history of the entire show. Ladies and gentlemen, I just I just did two arenas with this man in the past two weeks. He performed in front of 15,000 people on Wednesday night. He was sleeping in his van two months ago. He's been a Kill Tony regular for four or five months and he's just getting bigger and bigger and better and better here with a brand new minute. This is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up guys? I love the ladies. I think they're very sexy. I don't understand how my body's reaction to a woman was evolutionary, evolutionarily beneficial. You know, my body

sees the beautiful ladies like, oh, why don't you just stare at her for 30 minutes? Show her how good you are at stalking deer. Oh, you're talking to her? Why don't you start sweating profusely? Show her that you can get wet too. Just start stuttering uncontrollably. Show her how fast your tongue can move, buddy. My friend is really into skinny chicks, which I don't understand because the less there is of a person, the more he's into her. You know, maybe he'd be happy with nothing, the ultimate skinny person. But I'm in a relationship now. I can tell because I get turned on whenever I hear a woman tell someone to wash their hands. Like, oh, shit, someone's, someone's about to get

finger blasted at this subway right now. Thank you guys very much. Hans Kim with a brand new minute. Not easy to do, especially when you're out on the road taking private jets all around the country. I have a lot of motivation to write better jokes now. Indeed. How's it been going for you, Hans? It's been great. I recently went to Fort Worth. You know, a couple ladies DM'd me, but whoa, I'm listening. Then what happened? I didn't respond. Playing it cool, I see. I was like, I got to hang out with Joe Rogan. Sorry. But you didn't say that. No, I just thought that. He probably did that. Yeah. I'm sorry, I have to hang out with Joe Rogan. Can't meet up. I love it. Okay, Hans. So

tell us more. What else this week? Are you still with that girlfriend of yours? Yeah. How's that going? She's great. I made her squirt last week. That's a first, right? It felt great. Wow. It felt great for you? Yeah. Wow. Okay. Where were you during this? What room were you in? The same room. Same room. What did you do? What was your method? We want to know. Well, we had like sort of a little fight before that. Oh yeah, that always gets it ready. She's just angrily drinking Pedialyte in the corner. You bitch. What were you guys fighting about? I didn't want to go to a karaoke bar and then we went anyways. And I was kind of being like a little bit of a bummer. And then she was like,

okay, fine, let's go. And then we talked about it. She was like, it's not a fair that you were such a dick. And I was like, sorry, we should have stayed. I didn't want to leave. But I mean, whatever. And then we started like having makeup sex. And then she squirted all over my buttock. All over your butt? Did you say buttock? Yeah, I think you got threw up on. Well, you can cross this one off the list. Explain to everybody because I'm positive there's not a single person in this room that knows the like this is some real forensic file shit. Like, how do you know that she squirted on your buttock? He was getting pegged for sure, right?

Yeah, it was a dude the whole time. I was lying. I just shit my pants. I was on the bottom. She was riding me and it she was wearing a skirt and that's pretty fucking cool. It was all contained. It was like a sneeze guard. So she's wearing a skirt. She's riding. You're going to squirt put your cone on these are new sheets. How long was it was this entire interaction? We had sex like two times that night. That's pretty good. She came like four times. What? That's a lie. We're talking about exactly this squirt, though, because this is the highlight, right?

This is your first time making a girl squirt. It is. Yes, right. Did she ever squirt before? No, really? Virgin squirter first time. Yeah. Well, with you. Yeah. Yeah. No, but she told you she's never done that before. No, she told me she was a squirter and I was like, well, I haven't seen evidence. Yeah, that's tough. And then it happened. Turned a Colombo. I need some evidence on this. So she's riding you. She's wearing a skirt. Anything else? What are you wearing? I'm wearing slacks. I'm completely naked. No socks. No socks. I take it off because I feel like she's my girlfriend. I want to give her the full experience. There you go. Right. VIP service. I like it. Yeah. Toes out, hose out.

Okay. So does she make a specific noise when she squirts or anything like that? How did you know other than was she saying like, oh my God, I'm going to squirt like something like that? And she was like, I'm squirting. I'm sorry. Oh, okay. See, I'm glad that I asked. So she says I'm squirting. And what goes through your mind when you hear those words? Oh, this is kind of hot. It's kind of nasty, but kind of hot. Right. Because you're a bit of a germaphobe. We've heard that we once got a blowjob in the janitor's closet here at Vulcan. And he put on a condom. This guy fucking parties. He put on, he does. Oh, he does. Yeah. He put on a condom for the blowjob. What? Yeah. Holy shit. Listen to the ruckus. These are my people. Condom sense audience, dude.

You're goddamn right. That's the noise you make for a blowjob with a condom. What did she, I'm sure you went over this. No, go ahead. What did she say when you pulled out a condom? We were having sex and then she transitioned from sex to a blowjob. Okay. Rip that off like the shoot, bro. You kidding me? Pull that cord. Condoms for a blowjob. What are you in the army? What the fuck? It's going port to port over here. Don't do that shit in the Singapore, man. That's a Navy move right there. But it makes more sense from intercourse to the blowjob. Of course. No doubt. It'd be wild if she buckled your pants. You're like one second, please.

But have you done that before? Why do I have that in my head that you're a blowjob condom guy? No, that was the first time I've received a condom blowjob. Okay. I think that's an Asian thing, right? Most massage parlors that make you put a condom on before. I think the Asians, I think they like to put a mask over it and get the blowjob. To be careful with my Asian jokes. Next month, the one-year anniversary, by the way. This realized this week that we're a month away from the one-year anniversary party of my cancellation. How exciting. I'm so sad. Sorry it happened to you, Tony. Can you believe it? What do you think about Asian hate Tony Hinchcliffe?

Can you imagine, Hans, what are your thoughts about this? No. You show me the most Asian love ever. Thank you. And I'm not... I don't know why you had to... What's going on on that private jet? That's what I want to know. I know. That sounds like he touched you. That's true. Demand is shedding a tear for what's happening here. All right, Hans. Well, you did it again. Another brand new minute. Very much fun talking with you. Congratulations on your first squirting. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. Thank you, guys. Way to go, brother. Way to fucking go.

Into the bucket, my hand goes. This is the bird. We're going to meet somebody. Perhaps it's their very first time ever in front of an audience before. Sometimes it's fucking somebody great. Sometimes it sucks. Let's find out what's going to happen here. To get the show started tonight, it's 60 seconds from Phil Overback. Phil Overback. Coming from the far corner of the room. Here he comes, everybody. Not an easy position, following Hans. So make some noise for him. Here he is. Phil Overback. Oh, hey, how's it going? Nice. Hell yeah. There's a new serial killer in New York that only kills

homeless people. Finally. I mean, yeah, I'm from San Diego, man. Can we get one of those? Just saying, dude. Easy, easy. Now, the police are trying to catch this guy or something to him. I think give him an award. I'm not sure. But he seems pretty cool. Nice. It's funny, because I was writing these jokes about homeless people for a while, and then the next thing, I was homeless. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. I was one of these feral homeless, you see out on the street, you know? I was like an indoor-outdoor homeless, you know? Like, technically, I'm homeless, but you can trust me in your house overnight not to piss on your couch. We're cool. Oh, man. Now, it was funny, because I was just crashing with friends and

stuff. I'll leave that end out. You want to finish it? You could finish it. Oh, yeah. Now, I was just crashing with people for the most part. I was looking up with this one girl. She was like, oh, you're not just using me for sex, are you? Right now, I'm using you for a bed. Absolutely. Phil Overback. I got you. That's good jokes. Yep. Welcome to the show, Phil. How are you? I'm not too bad. How's it going? I'm good. I'm good. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I'm based in San Diego right now. Okay. Just was doing the road with some buddies, and then we swung through. Very nice. Very cool. You and your buddies came here and signed up.

Yeah, why not? Absolutely. Right? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. What do you do for work, Phil? I'm a bartender and a kayak guy. Alcoholic. Oh, my goodness. Nothing more exciting than being stuck on a kayak with fucking Baron Trump over here. Big, tall, oaky ass motherfucker, you are. You play basketball? Now I was a swimmer. Whoa. Hell yeah. Good luck, Leah Thomas. I love it. She puts the meat in the swim meat. Ew. Oh, god damn. You're a swimmer. Is that why you shave your eyebrows? No, I'm just doing this one. There you go. Red Bams wanted to do that joke for two minutes.

Just shoe horning it in there. Hey, guys, swim on eyebrows. Anyway, I love it. What do you do for fun, Phil? You know, we know that bartenders have wild nightlives. We know what the restaurant industry is like. Yeah, well, same shit they all do. Fuck each other and do drugs. Right. What kind of drugs are we talking about, Phil? I'm more average. I don't smoke weed, surprisingly. I'm going to get real scared, but I know occasional blow or something here and there. Not too much. The occasional blow. Do you put a condom on when you do blow? Only when I boot fit. I love it. What else about you, Phil? Tell us more about your life. What makes you special? I'm retarded. I don't want to say anything.

You don't say. I grew up in Utah, which not a lot of comics have, I guess. And then I don't know. I just travel around for the most part. I stupid. I've no parts fun. Big ocean guy. How do you do this shit with no money? This is crazy. He's like, has the richest hobbies ever. He's like, I hind God from time to time, you know. You walk in white like this and there's like, here's this shit. You have rich parents, Phil. You seem like you could be a rich kid. No, I was poor as shit. Really? How poor? What are we talking about? What's mom and dad's life like? I only had two yachts. My dad's always done all right, but I grew up like in an apartment and some food Sam's here

and there. Shut the fuck up. There's not even really food. I don't believe you. How old are you? I'm 25. 25 years old. And you grew up in an apartment with your mom? Yeah, and four siblings. You saw Mormons. Wow. What did dad do for a living? He said dad did good. He was in like sales and stuff. He was an airborne ranger for a while and then got out and went into sales and shit. And what did your mom do? She's a teacher. Okay, you were on food stamps. This is all checking out now. I get it. But that's the American dream to go from food stamps to fucking scuba diving. That's crazy. That's true. Were you guys Mormons? Mormons? My family was Mormon until I was five when my parents got split and we're like, fuck the rules. Let's get drunk.

Wow. Is that what happened? Did they start heavily drinking your parents? You have the most, you literally have the dumbest laugh I've ever heard in my entire life. Like I've hung out with a lot of special needs comedians and people and like there's something about your fucking laugh that just... Yeah, I don't think you've ever been scuba diving, to be honest with you. And I'm not sure about the kayak and thing either. I'm curious how many homeless people have you killed? That's what I would like to know. I feel like when he's scuba diving, he still does that stupid laugh. He's laughing with a dolphin. Above water, you just hear blue, blue, blue, blue, blue. That's Phil down here. I found a picture like that's our job buddy.

Bombing. Yeah, I'm glad you said it. Phil, what's the worst experience you've ever had on a comedy stage? On a comedy stage? Let's see, about nine months in, just the worst bomb in my life. One of those where everyone was just staring at you, nobody's talking at all. It was like a 10 minute set. I didn't even have enough material, just panicked, like looked over the comics. They can't help you. What joke? Do you remember a joke that you were doing at the time that bombed? A bunch of jokes at the time though. How many of you want to hear one of the jokes? We've heard them try to make us laugh. I want to know what his bad shits like. I want to know how bad we can get here. I don't know. I think they just didn't like, I remember only one of the

jokes that I was doing at the time. Go ahead, just do that one. This is perfect. I hate when girls call you uncle, or fuck. I hate when the girls say, please let me go. 10 minutes of that. 10 minutes of that, yeah. Oh, fuck my bad. I mean, no, let me rewind that real quick. I'm your uncle. Phil, I like your style. You're 25 years old. You're a young buck. You're out here getting it. A few years in, you're going to keep getting better, but you like stand up, right? Yes, every day. There you go. All right. Yeah. Great job. Here, take a big kill Tony Joghbug with you, with real Texas leather by the Great Bones Eye. Nice kid. Nice kid.

Okay. Make some noise for Adam Baldi Brails, everybody. Adam Baldi Brails. This is definitely a new name. I would remember in Adam, Adam Baldi Brails, if we add one. Is Adam Brails? Nope, nothing. Oh no. All right, that's where. How about Joe Bird? Joe Bird is next on Kill Tony, a completely improvised show where people sign up. Okay, here he comes. Shit. Another, I believe it is his first time on the show. Make some noise for Joe Bird, everyone. All right. I always got to pee when I'm nervous.

So my wife's got a sticker on the back of her car that says ninja baby on board. That's not true. Just a regular baby. That's worse. That's worse. The district attorney dropped some theft charges against my mom last week. I feel like that's their loss. I'm pretty sure she did it. About a year ago. Oh, god. About a year ago, I was telling my dad I had a panic attack and he's just that confused. I don't know what you're talking about. Are you trying to tell me you're gay?

Haven't heard from him since. I'll leave it at that. I don't like that double tap. Okay, 58 seconds from Joe Bird. He's got a good internal point on him. Welcome to the show, Joe. Thank you. How are you? I'm doing all right. Nervous as shit. Yeah, you are nervous as shit. What's going on? How long is this your first time to stand up? No, just nervous. This is the company. Goddamn right. Absolutely, as well you should be.

So welcome to the show. I mean, what's going on? How long have you been on stand up for? Two years before COVID. Two years before COVID. Jumping back in. Okay, jumping back in. How many times have you been to prison? It's a couple. One prison. One prison. What was that for? Assault. This guy's great. He's aces in my book. Joey. A round of applause for Joey one more time, huh? I love it. I love it. How about jail? How many times have you been to jail?

More than three. More than three. You might be wondering, Tony, how do you have this special skill? It's from hosting this show, everybody. I can literally identify. Like I could basically, I'm seeing your like rap sheet over your head right now. More than three, less than 100. What are we at there? He has prison skin. Everybody has prison skin. That's what I call it. It's a special type of sunburn that guys that have been to prison get because they appreciate being outside so much that they stay out there too long without having the preparatory mind to

put on sunblock. If you're wondering, that's how I identify this man as a guy with jail time. They love being outside. I think he's a swimmer. Am I right? You like fell asleep under a tree recently. Am I correct? Not recently. Not recently? You fell asleep somewhere though, didn't you? I just got out of a roofing so outside a lot. Thank you. Sleeping on your roof. All right. So let's talk about it, Joe. On and off stand up, you started when you were what age? How old are you? You could really be anything. You could be a 17 year old meth head and I would believe it. I would believe it, Joe.

33. I like that your last name's Bird because I was hoping you were going to fly away during your set. Thank you for the sound effect, red band. Damn. I was pregnant. You really brought it home on that one. All right. So, Joe, tell us about your life. What's going on here? Why do you think you've been to jail in prison so many times? What was your childhood like? I didn't grow up with kayaks. Right. Not a big scuba diver, I assume. Right. Yeah. You got damn right. I stole one one time, but... This is a kid that was allowed to drink as much surge as he wanted. Am I right? You remember surge? Oh, no. Was that kick in the glass? It was like Mountain Dew. It was like super soda. I know what it is, a green can. Yeah. I do remember

it. You loved it, didn't you? No, I didn't grow up in a trailer part. Okay. Where did you grow up? You just have the life of a guy that grew up in a trailer. I love it. Three times jail, one time prison. Just like projects here and there throughout Texas. Right. Okay. All right. You've always been more of a roofing type of guy? No, no. It's actually the easiest fucking job I've ever had. Right. Insurance scam. Yeah. They just let me do math. Tell us more about why it's the easiest job you've ever had. What other jobs have you had where roofing is the easiest job that you've ever had? I did turbines for a while, built gas plants. Wow. Landscaping shit. Okay. Hell yeah. You are the whitest Mexican we've

ever had on the show. Incredible. I know. You went from building turbines to working a weed wacker real quick. I love it. So, Joe, where do you normally... What's doing stand up for you like? How did you get into this? What made you want to do this? A one-handed guy in Corpus. I was shit faced. He convinced me to get on stage. A one-handed guy in Corpus. It's like a fucking country song. Yeah, exactly. To the one-handed man in Corpus who taught me how to be funny. I'm going to find you one day and give you a lot of money. Yeah. Yeah. Just a little song I wrote in state prison, everybody. Go to JoeBird.com for more.

I love you, buddy. Good guy. He looks real shanky. I can tell you that right now. Probably got to find out how Joe solves his problems. Hell yeah. So, a one-handed man in Corpus. Where did you see this man? At House of Rock. I know you're a big fan. The House of Rock? The House of Rock. It's a music venue. It's a music venue. They do open mics there. Okay. I think you were tripping on a plane to Hollywood, to be honest with you. And there was the one-handed man. Was the one-handed man in the audience? Was he... No, he was doing the show. Okay. And he told you what exactly? I was shit faced and he was like, yeah, we're doing a mic and he started talking about it. How did that go for you that first

night with the one-handed man? Well, I was drunk, so I probably ate shit. Maybe just a little bit less worse than here. Right. Wow. That must have been fucking horrible. I think you did great, buddy. Yeah. I think you're awesome. So, we've hit some of the lowlights of your life. Three jail visits, one prison visit. Tell us a highlight. You mentioned the landscaping. Yeah. What's a moment that was like, what's your greatest accomplishment? You have any special skills or talents or anything? I got three awesome kids. Oh, there you go. There you go. Hell yeah. The untalented man's football, if you will. The ability to knock up anybody. The ability to not pull out is your greatest accomplishment. No, I thought you were going to say you

play the spoons or something like that. Meanwhile, three kids is the answer. Hell yeah. How old are your kids? 13, 1, and 5. Whoa. 13, 1, and 5. That is an interesting order that you went in there. Who does that? Took a little time off, didn't you, big guy? Are they all from the same mother? Two are. Right. The 13 and the 5 are. No. Wait, what? 1 and 5, 1 lady, 13. Oh, okay. High school sweetheart? No. Wait, which one? The 13-year-old was with your high school sweetheart or no? Whoa, you got back with your high school sweetheart? Yeah, she had to go to college, meet some black dudes. Wait, what? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Stop the sound effects for a second. I just missed something. What about black dudes? I think that's what he thinks college is. That's

awesome. She went to college. He's like, you know, she's got to go meet Jamal and everybody at fucking college. Yep, she's up there with the black dudes in the cafeterias. You said she went to college and banged some black dudes. Is that what you said? For sure she did. Right, did you? Wait, you don't even. Are you just assuming this? No, no. This is just your nightmares. You just wake up. You're like, it has to be true. Man. How do you know? Did you ask her? I've known her for a long time. I know that you've known her, but. Yeah, yeah, I know. Jesus Christ. Seems like you can probably give her a little shit for that, don't you? Say again. Do you kind of hold that against her a little bit? No, okay. Okay. Man, he hasn't blinked in like three minutes.

Well, from you volunteering, that information made you seem that you weren't comfortable with it. Could have just said, yeah, she went to college at a good time, but you were like, yeah, she went to college fuck black dude. I haven't thought about it since. It's interesting that you went there. You know, you are from Texas. You're from the suburbs of Texas on the middle of nowhere to where, I guess, with your upbringing, them going to college, first of all, is probably slightly offensive to you. And your assumption is that she had sex with black guys because that's a Texas suburb thing. You drive a Silverado? You have a Silverado? No, Sierra. So close. So close. God damn it. All right, well, but you're not racist. Are you, Joe? You just have the looks of a guy

that's racist. You just look and sound like a guy who's racist. And you say things that a racist would say. Easy does it, Joe. Easy does it. We were all good until she started fucking black guys in college. All right, there he goes. Joe Bird, everybody. Joe, take one of these. Have a joke book, Joe. All right, you guys want to do something special right now, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, you know, as you saw with Hans and as you know about this show, there have been many great regulars in the show's history. Only one of them has had a debilitating disease and retired six months ago because it was getting the best of them. And then a few weeks ago, he's been feeling better. He wanted to keep coming back into one minute. It's very exciting that

he's back. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for him tonight, a very special treat, the one and only injured dice clay, everybody. One more time. It's injured dice clay, everyone. Before the dice man sets it off, how about a round of applause for our first responders? Round of applause. All you second responders can suck my dick, you sad fucks. I'm a responder, but I'm too fat. I'm always the second or third responder. I wish I was the first responder. Elon Musk bought Twitter today. I wish Elon Musk would turn me into Robocom.

That way, if I was Robocom, I would go to all the comic cons and fuck all the anime bitches. Oh, hey, hey, what if I vice from the dice man? If you ain't a medical professional, do not give me medical advice. All right, all right. Oh, I'm a dice man. Have you tried the old dying? He's like a king, man. No, the gooms. Yeah. If the gooms is the reason for all this, my neurologist blow his fucking brain down. I wish I was a little more. I was a little more. I was a little more. I was a little more, a little more, a little more. Hey, you all want to hear some nursing reruns?

Deck v Nibbo. Deck v Quick. Deck shows off too fucking much. Oh, man. Three blind mice. The mice had participated in clinical trials for the day in day vaccine. Blindness was a side effect. There wasn't no lady who lived in the shoe. Then everyone from Los Angeles moved into her neighborhood. Now the bitch lives in the flip flop. Imagine that a bitch living in the flip flop. Yeah. Injured dice clay, motherfucking another Michael layer creation here in front of everybody.

We've had injured dice clay on many times. This was a special one because you're more injured than ever. The same amount of dice clay, but a little bit more injured every time we see you. Yeah, but you know, I'm here because you're better than the fucking 40 dinners in the intensive care unit. Injured dice play says Al instead of O for those of you wondering what's happening. Andrew, his brother, who's completely fine, who's actually also he's pretty injured right now too. Yeah, he's got this terrible fall disease. It's like my disease without all the bad shit in it. Absolutely destroy it. Injured. What else is going on? What else is happening?

You know, I mean, By the way, Tony, he was on the secret show last week. Maybe one of the best sets I've ever seen somebody like he killed. Absolutely incredible. This is the undertaker of kill Tony. We thought he retired. He comes back to big pops and puts on some of the best performances of his entire career. You know what? I want to say something. Yo, Governor Abbots, we're supposed to be brothers. We both have wheels for legs. Hey, why'd you outlaw abortion? The abortion is my favorite form of birth control. Oh, that one hurt.

I'm sorry. My dad dismissed me from gabapentin to cocaine. What are you looking at? Oh, he's got a set list on the chair. That was inside baseball. You sneaky little devil. I respect it. That's great. If I may break here. You know, twice before the show, I was literally rehearsing. I just find people come up to you. But like, they couldn't believe I was rehearsing. Like, we just, you know, don't rehearse. It's true. You're a real goddamn professional. You make it look easy, but there's nothing easy about it at all. As we saw from the bucket pools before you, that by the way, none of the people,

none of the people you saw tonight have a debilitating disease. The funniest guy is the only one that has that. And he's able to summon the fucking comedy gods here. Little boy blue, someone grab my nippy pen before this kid dies. Wow. Hell yeah. Wow. The towel goes wild. He gives the middle fingers, shows the shirt. As rock and roll as it gets, ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Michael Lair. Fuck yeah. Injury. Fuck yeah, buddy. Line. God damn. On Kill Tony.

Holy shit. All right. Back to the bucket we go. That was fucking crazy. There. Yep. Literally. That was a favorite part of my life ever. How about one more time for Michael Lair? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. That's respect right there. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Natalie Aries, everybody. Natalie Aries is next. Here. Hi, everybody. Let's just get right into it. I used to have a binge eating disorder until I realized how hard it is to eat with a dick in your mouth. Only problem is now I have an obsessive

blow job disorder. But my therapist says he can help me, but our sessions just need to move from Zoom to in person for some reason. But as I started to lose weight, I got my cat to lose weight with me. She actually lost a little bit more than me, which is great for her. The only issue is now I'm not the hottest pussy in my apartment. That's all I have right now. All right. 45 seconds from Natalie Aries. Okay. Welcome. How long you been doing stand-up, Natalie? This is my very first time. Wow. Her very first time. Come on. Oh yeah. Absolutely. I was fucking fantastic for your first time. Thank you. Thank you. You did great. You did great. If I had to give it a grade, I'd give it a double D. Thank you. I don't even know what you're talking about, Tony.

Thank you. Oh, wow. I just realized you have boobs. That's crazy. I didn't even know that when I did the joke. I still haven't. Welcome. So Natalie, your first time doing stand-up, what have you been doing with your life up until this point? I'm a concierge manager. Wow. At the red rose and the yellow rose? That's so exciting. Where are you a concierge manager? It's for a fitness club, like a country club. Okay. A country club. Hell yeah. And what exactly do you do? Whatever to make all the members happy. Wow. Damn. Okay, red band, we get it. Very good. It gets very excited over here. When you see somebody that has bigger tits than him, he gets very excited. I'm extremely jealous. So Natalie, you're working at the country club. How long

you been doing that for? About two years. I was in sales and then I moved to being a concierge, but a loving comedy. I'm here because of my boyfriend. What's the story with you? Never mind. I didn't like your set. What do you mean you're here? Thank you for coming by. We have your number. We'll let you know. We'll let you know, Natalie. So what do you mean you're here because of your boyfriend? I just took a trip down because he does comedy and so I put my name in. Oh, damn, that sucks. Wow. You took what could have been his spot. He could have gotten famous here tonight on Kill Tony. Okay. What's his name? Jamie Jakes. Jamie Jakes. You guys think we should keep her up here and get a minute from her boyfriend?

All right. Here to do a minute of standup comedy uninterrupted. Make some noise for Jamie Jakes, everybody. Jamie. Here we go. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Wow. God, damn. Here he is. One more time. A one minute uninterrupted. Jamie Jakes, everybody. So speaking of boobs, boobs are great, right? The best part about boobs is there's two of them, which is cool because you really only need one. That's why I'm developing an app. It's going to be similar to Lyft. It's going to be a boob sharing app. And it's going to be called Boober. Boober, you'll be able to rent one boob for $69 an hour. There may or may not be someone using the other boob. As the business owner, I'll keep all of that money. The women will be working for just the tips.

I think it's going to be a rather successful app. So we're going to have spin-offs right away. The first spin-off that we're going to have is going to be called Boober XL, which is for those big, giant boobs that can seat eight passengers. In the boober business, we call those boobs Chevy Sububans. Okay. And remind me again, which one of you two does stand-up comedy? What the fuck? Holy s**t. I enjoy it, ladies and gentlemen. I feel like we're being f**king bamboozled. He jumps right into boob material.

What is this f**king shark tank? What's going on? Let's cut to the chase, you two. What are you f**king selling? Did you see bamboozled? Wow. That's her first time. We're back. This is wild. I was not expecting this kind of character to come up here. No, me neither. I thought he was going to look like he worked at Hot Topic or something. When you said country club, I didn't realize this is what you meant.

We didn't know you were talking about Yellowstone. He's actually a chiropractor. You're a chiropractor dressed like that? Wow. That's crazy, dude. I wouldn't let you touch my feet dressed like that. You put on a pair of scrubs when you work my lower back, my friend. Come on down to Jamie Jackson's country chiropractor. I'll crack your back, crack your neck, and crack your skull.

But I won't crack you up. Let's go. Let's go. We've activated the back lights, everybody. Damn. Man, he's lightspeed quick. God damn. What a magical couple. Let me ask you a question. Jamie Jackson, is that correct?

Let me ask you a question. How do you guys have sex when you have a broke back? He's nodding like, yes, I knew he was going to say this. Yeah, it's a joke I do. Indeed. No, yeah, that makes sense. And I just met you. That's crazy. You've had your entire life to write your material. And I've only seen you for 45 seconds.

And meanwhile, I'm doing your best joke. Isn't that crazy? That's unbelievable. I love it. I love it. So let me ask you this, Jamie. Is obviously a very pretty girl. Do you have any secrets to your actions in the bedroom? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to pull out a lasso

every once in a while or something like that. No, I've been told I have a big dick, but don't know how to use it. Yeah, she just said that. Oh, OK. Wow. And that's true. Hand her the microphone again. She's nodding, yes, aggressively.

It's both things are true. It's big and he doesn't know how to use it. Can you explain how bad he is at? God damn. Where's the fucking loyalty? It's going to be a long wagon ride home tonight. You're fucking. You come up here, you start selling out Jimmy Jacks. What the fuck, lady?

God damn. They're going to be listening to the saddest version of one handed man from Corpus. Wow. I love it. So where'd you guys meet? How did that happen? Like our mutual best friend introduced us to each other.

OK. Is he funny? That was mean. I'm sorry. Big man's going mean. Oh, my God. That's off brand for me. It's a girl. It's a girl. And she's funnier than both of us.

Right. Is she here? Jesus. Right. Let's bring her. Stop selling yourselves out. We'll lie a little bit. I got a big dick. I don't know how to use it.

I love it. Where do you guys live? We live in North Dallas, Plano, Texas. OK. All right. North. Oh, listen to the raucous. OK.

He's got the theme to the show Dallas because that's how old Red Band is. I got the reference. And if you want a second, use a little more of that tune to tell you the truth. I love it. OK. All right.

Very interesting. Very interesting stuff. Are most of the guys that you've dated this cowboy-esque? No. No, no. He actually has a man bun under that. He's not that cowboy. Wait. What?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my. Man, yo, she is throwing him under the fucking boss. What the fuck, lady? This is crazy. He's really a barista. I swear to God.

He is. He's a barista. He's never even seen a horse. I swear. When you guys said you were from Dallas, I didn't think you meant the Buyers Club. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

All right. Uh, he just had to explain the joke to her. I don't know if you heard that. He's like, Dallas Buyers Club, it's a movie. Pick up, will you? They're killing us over here. Shut up. We'll talk about it in the car. Show her that movie when you get home tonight.

As you'll see, I play the main character in it. So it's pretty exciting. All right. Jamie Jax and Natalie Aries. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. That was so cool. So much fun.

Thank you. Jamie Jax. Just got buried by his own girlfriend, who's never done stand-up before. Dude, that's crazy. There is no other show like this on planet Earth. He's got a big dick, though, so I don't feel bad. That's true. Yeah.

Yeah, fuck him. But he doesn't know how to use it, so I feel kind of bad. Who gives a shit? I'd rather have a big dick and not know how to use it. You know what? Let's do something special. You guys want another special treat tonight, huh? Yes.

Well, believe it or not, because Michael Laird brought himself back from retirement. We have four regulars for the first time ever in the show's entire history. This third regular performing a brand new minute for you tonight. Well, everyone else is also thriving. He's recently been doing theaters with the great Louis CK, touring all around the country. He's a roast master.

Ladies and gentlemen, a joke-writing phenom. The one and only David Lucas is here, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was just flying on a plane recently. We can fly with no mask. Yeah, man, that shit was great, man. It felt like fucking a bitch without a condom for the first time.

It's been like three years since I did that shit, man. I was on the plane breathing like I weighed 130 pounds. I was sick of them fucking masks, bro. I like my pussy to have a little wear on it. You know what I'm saying, Burr? Like, yeah, I don't like new pussy. I like certified prion. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I want an abortion or two on my pussy. That's how I like it, man. Abortion pussy is my favorite pussy to eat, man, for real. Because you can put your ear against it and hear babies crying. Abortion pussy is like putting your ear against a seashell. You know what I'm saying? Do I hear a vacuum cleaner? What the fuck is that?

All right, man. Thank y'all. Fuck yeah. David Lucas, man, the regulars tonight are just fucking showing what's up. Tony up in this bit. Boy, you was in Miami doing a wet t-shirt contest. Oh, come on.

Jeez, you're going to go in on me that fast. Take your time. At least warm me up a little bit. Jesus Christ. I see you're wearing a hoodie that says Paris on it. Because you're a big fan of french fries? Tony, you got that white shirt on looking like a busted lambskin condom.

Boy, that's bogus as fuck for that shit, boy. Bang. I love this new hairdo. Who ordered the squid linguine, everybody? Fucking. You got the haircut of Ellen's girlfriend. That's true. I do.

I do. I do have the girl. The gender neutral comb over. Oh my god. When you got out of the barber chair, the barber said, whoa. Go kill him, honey. Holy shit.

David Lucas coming in with that Louis CK energy. Louis travels with David Lucas because he prevents him from wanting to jerk off in the green room. He's like, look at David Lucas. I got it. The boner crusher, David Lucas is here. If Louis would have pulled his dick out in front of you, we would have never heard about it.

God damn right. I know how to keep a secret. Don't ask, don't tell. I love it. All right. I'm dying to know. I can't imagine what size the hoodie is, but I really want to know what I really want to know

is what size is that undershirt to where it is reaching out. It's almost like reaching out for a new owner or something like that. It's like, get me out of here. Oh my god. That shit is more stretched out than that last couple's material that we had up here. You look like a dick with a compression sock on it.

That boy got an Allen Iverson sleeve on for a t-shirt. AI, are you going to use that? I love to wear a shirt under another shirt, and it'd be so cool. Oh my god. It'll stop and cover my Adam's apple so they think I'm really a girl. Oh, you son of a bitch.

Tony got to keep that toe worn by any means necessary. He's crushing me today. Damn. Good lord. This is absolutely fucking incredible. I heard Tony's throat can melt the jolly rancher. I mean, I'm the one that told you that, but absolutely. It's been a month.

That's why I got so many of these. Yeah. Anytime we get a little break away from each other, we're pretty good. This is good. It's very fun to have you back on the show. What else has been going on? All right, thank you, sweetheart.

David just got a girl pregnant in the front row that easily. I almost got pregnant off that. Goddamn. I'm pregnant as fuck. Both of my baby mommas was on birth control when they got pregnant, bro. That shit weird. Oh, yeah.

Wow. Or at least they said they were. Yeah, exactly. Nah. Right. But shit, man, I'm in Florida next week. I got Naples, Miami, and then side splitters in Tampa, and I'm doing a-

Oh, side splitters are also the story of your jeans that you're wearing. Well, too bad it's not ass splitters. That's where I'm performing. I love it, David. I had to laugh in school this coming weekend. Oh, that's a great place. Yeah.

Atlanta, Georgia. We love it. So you're going back home. You're going to visit the family. Yeah, I should take you there. Get some mommas home cooking in you, because that's what you need. Yeah, I heard when you go home,

you like to roll up lasagna and put it up your ass. Roll up what? Lasagna. Oh, well, that's true. That's the man I got. Anything with the word man in it goes in my ass. Thank you. They do.

They call my ass the Godfather. They call my mouth the Godfather, too. Tony can suck a spaghetti noodle like the lady in the tramp. I can't believe you're doing spaghetti jokes about me. Right. That's crazy.

What is going on in this world? Right. Your arm looked like a wet noodle. I don't know. Oh, you son of a bitch. You must be starving right now. Talking about all this food, I wish we had a little meter

that shows your blood sugar when you're up here. Doing compression socks jokes about me? Every time you fart, you get hungry. Like, oh my. Oh, my God. I'm so empty inside. That's true. If you can fart, that means there's not a dick in your butt.

That's true. Impossible to do both. Trust me. I tried. Fuck, yeah, David. Yeah, man. Absolutely incredible. You're out there.

You're killing it. You're headlining. You're selling out. You're opening for one of the all time fucking goats. Louis C.K. Yeah, sir. You're not going to get it. Louis C.K.

You're absolutely doing it. Living the dream. I love that the squad of regulars on this show is as powerful as they are right now. The new SNL, baby. It is. It's absolutely fucking incredible. Except the only difference between you and people on SNL

is that you can sell out everywhere you go. True. I sell more tickets than everybody on SNL combined. There you go. All right, man. Thank God. Fuck you, Pete Davidson. Uh, all right.

Except Pete Davidson. Oh, except Pete Davidson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get a Kardashian sooner or later. Right. You'll get the good ones. Yeah, bro. But I mean, imagine how stupid his audience must be.

All right, anyway. Whoa, taking shots. No, it's OK. I love it. I love what he's got going for him. He's out there fucking banging Kim Kardashian. Proof that there is no God whatsoever. I wish, bro, but I ain't going to lie.

When Kanye was calling him Skeet and posting on Instagram, bro, that was making my day when he posted a picture of him in his underwear. He's like, look, no dick. That shit was so funny, bro. I was like, don't go to rehab. Kanye, we need to. I can't figure out how he does it.

The guy fucks everyone. He's like COVID. He fucked everyone. It's incredible. I think girls look at him like a charity case. Like he's sickly looking, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. He don't look stable.

And I think girls want to like. He's got the old, oh, my dad died in 9-11. Oh, no, my dad died. And he's a hero. Bah, he's a firefighter. Hey, Tony, notice girls only get with him after they leave somebody powerful. So they want somebody that he's like the beta male

that they could take care of. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's how I feel. All right, we might have to edit some of the parts of this. Yeah, for the record, I think he's a great kid. Yeah, shout out to Pete, huh? Oh, yeah, y'all live in New York. Yes.

Come in here with that bullshit. Pete, we love you, buddy. He doesn't need sync. Sorry, I'm a Kanye guy. I'm loyal to this boy. Ladies and gentlemen, that's my really good friend and one of my favorite comedians, David Lucas. Everybody.

Hell yeah. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time, huh? Yeah. All right. As you've learned tonight, anything could happen. So let's see. Here we go. Okay, make some noise for Magi Mayfield

or Magi, perhaps, or Maggie. Maggie Mayfield. Maggie. Here she is. One more time for Maggie Mayfield, everybody. I think that people that complain about climate change online don't masturbate enough. They can't because nobody taught us how to throw away a battery.

And listen, we don't have time to do that shit manually, right? Like, we're all really fucking busy. I know this is true because growing up in the junk drawer, we had like one of those baggies full of batteries. And I thought, man, like, we watched a lot of TV as a kid, but turns out I just had a really happy mom. Yeah. I think recycling is just a way for white people

to feel good about segregation. I mean, I saw the way that, like, my dad would stomp out those cereal boxes, you know? Like, what did Lucky Charms ever do to you, dad? Maybe he was just upset that he couldn't keep my mom happy. And that's my time. Maggie Mayfield with exactly 59 seconds. Very impressive.

Your timing. Your internal clock is incredible. Okay, Maggie, let's talk about it. How long have you been on stand-up? Eight years. Eight years! Okay, that makes sense. So you know exactly how long a minute is.

All right. Eight years. Where have you been doing it at? LA. Okay. I've met you a couple times at a comedy store. Incredible. Awkward.

It's but no. Weird. Yeah, why would you know? Yeah, in LA. We met, like, in passing on the patio or something, is what you're saying, because there's a lot of people groaning and shit out here, thinking like, oh my god, did Tony hook up with his own mother?

No, I didn't. No, I didn't. You weirdos. I'm kidding. I'm joking, Maggie. You're a young buck. So eight years you've been doing stand-up. All of it in LA?

No, I started in Illinois. Okay. In a small town in Illinois, just out of Chicago. Skokie. Now? Champagne. Oh, Champagne. Indeed, the home of the University of...

ILL. There you go. Hell yeah. The Fighting Illinois. Yeah. Absolutely. I moved there, and I didn't... Listen, I did radio for a long time,

and you have to, like, acclimate yourself into these towns. I didn't know the chief a lot. I didn't know that what that was, so I was like, what's the alimi? Right. Right. Okay. Maggie, what do...

That's it. I feel this is for, like, three people ever. What do you do for a living, Maggie? I'm a voice-over actor. Oh, wow, cool. You see you could do voices. Sort of. I do...

I read romance novels. Whoa. Can you give us an example of, like, a couple lines out of a romance novel? Can we hear your romance novel voice? Listen, I do it... I feel it... This is why I do it,

because I finally figure out how to get paid to fake orgasms, so... I feel like I don't want to just, like, give it away for free when you could buy it online, you know? So you basically do the radio version of OnlyFans. I do. I do.

All right. So can you give us an example? Can we hear your romance novel voice? Because I know it ain't the voice you use. I know. That's what I can't see. She walked into the bedroom with the dress flinging open.

He was standing there in the corner, probably six-foot-one, and gorgeous with just there. Chapter two. He pulled at his quack. I don't know if that was New York or Boston, but it stinks. It works, it works.

That is the least romantic voice of them all. That was beyond perfect. I'm hard. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm never gonna be in Tuscany again, so I went for it. Yeah, I fucked a fisherman. I'm sorry.

I'm truly sorry. I think I'm out of a job. I think that's what's about to happen. I love it. So Maggie, you make a living doing that? Yeah. Wow. How long have you been reading for romantic novels?

Like five or six years now. Damn. They're fucking filthy. And listen, they don't like to say the word pussy or vagina at all. What do they like to say? They call it sex. Like he touched her sex.

That's what they call it. What? That's what they call it. What? Is this like Korean romance drama? Yeah. Are the pages blurred every time it says it? Just fill in the blank.

No, they're good. I mean, I have to take a lot of breaks when I read, but... Do you masturbate a lot while reading? Yeah. You get into it. Really? She's the old wet pages. That's another copy you're ruin.

God damn it. It's coming out of your check. Can we hear your voice here? Yeah, let's hear it. Give us one... Oh my god, I'm like so... Give us one of your wild excerpts. This is what the people want, Maggie.

That he walked into the room, breathless, shirt unbuttoned, one at a time. I can sort of hear it. I can sort of hear it there. Holy shit. I'm about to fucking squirt like that. I'm gonna fucking squirt. I swear to God.

She's got the goods. She got into it during the one at a time. Yeah. I can hear it there. She talks like that all the time. Yeah. That's incredible. She just wants more.

And if she... Thrust her. Just lady on Molly once you had never stopped. I know, I know, I know, I know. This is incredible. I want to sit on your face. Yeah, let's do that. Let's do that.

Let's fucking do that. That's the best goddamn idea I heard all night. What a crew. Oh, she's my biggest fan. You guys didn't know. MaggieMaitfield.com. That's what's happening. And as he reached for her sex, she moaned in pleasure.

All right, Maggie. You're welcome. Hey, buddy. Maggie, are you into women? Is that your thing? No. Oh. Do you have a boyfriend?

No. No? I feel like you've had a couple of boyfriends die on you. Is that true? I just get a feeling. Sometimes I go off my instincts here. You have a dead boyfriend? No.

Damn it. Damn it, I really needed that one. I'm usually right about those. I thought that was real. I thought you were dead all under. Yeah. No. The old widowmaker over here.

Yeah. She has real seance vibes going on. The widowmaker. It seemed like you'd have a lot of suspicious deaths around you. Do you ever poison anyone? Oh, shit. Sleddy Khaleesi can't stop herself right now. Game of bones over here.

Holy shit. That fucking, you know that asshole's bleached everybody. The owner of the club's yelling at her right now. There he goes. How does it feel to be told to shut up by a little rich kid? His father is rich. That's Nickelodeon, everybody. Oh, she's still trying.

Look at this one over here. Fucking girl's gone wild over here. It's my turn. This table's wild. They hit just enough vodka sodas to start chiming in here tonight. I don't think the big dog likes it. He looks bad. Aaron Hernandez.

Hey, it looks like you can fucking wreck some house. There's definitely going to be some fucking domestic violence tonight. Look at this guy. Yeah, he'll be mad at us. Take it out on her. Tattoos to the wrist just so that he could enjoy the bruising of his hands when he gets it.

All right. Maggie, so much fun to have you on. Yes. Not only, not, not, not, yeah. Do you live here in Austin? I do. Okay. I love you to be on The Secret Show Thursday if you want to.

Whoa. Look at that. Wow. My goodness. That's the first time red bands booked a female over the age of 25 on that show in six years. It's an award. So congratulations, Maggie.

Thank you. Thank you. There she goes. Maggie Mayfield, everybody. Yeah, man. And your Kill Tony debut. Great job, buddy. We're doing it.

There's only one way to end an episode like this. You guys have been having fun all night, right? Well, this is the part where shit somehow gets a little bit crazier than it has all night. I spent the entire fucking weekend with your next comedian. He was featuring for me at the Miami Improv where he was absolutely fucking dismantling the crowd. It was just, he's just an unbelievable artist to watch

and watch grow and watch take chance. As he does things entirely his own way. This is the longest standing regular in the history of Kill Tony. Make some noise for the one and only, the big red machine, William Montgomery. It's him live in the flesh. Come on, everybody. Some of y'all might not know this,

but I'm finishing up grad school right now. Woo! My final thesis is titled, Bitches Be Shopping! Hunter Biden's so fertile, he got Nick Cannon pregnant. Wait, CNN Plus has been canceled? Did they use the N word or something? I think Disney Sports gay and trans laws,

because for years, Mickey Mouse has been fucking goofy. You can tell they love each other. Okay, that's it. That's all I have. Thank you. All right, 54 seconds of William Montgomery. Coming off an amazing weekend. Five packed, crazy shows at the Miami Improv. You're out there doing 25 minute long sets right in front of me. That was exciting. That was a lot of fun.

That final show on Saturday seemed like the best one. Yeah, it was crazy. People, I mean, William, I never announce who's opening with me on what legs of what tours. And last time we were there, it was a whole crew of us. It was Michael Laird, David Lucas, you, Red Band was at those shows, and this one, just you doing long sets, just out there fucking screaming at us.

I remember last year when we did it, Michael Laird and I were doing cocaine together and looking at each other's penises at one point. They were doing cocaine. They're not kidding. My room was wall-to-wall connected with William's room, which all had patios right next to each other. And William, this is where his life was just a year ago, invited over six random audience members to his host show.

So that's cool. Just doing fucking blow all night long. Just give it up for cocaine, y'all. The crowd goes wild. I love cocaine. I can't get enough of it. No, I'm kidding. I had to stop. No, I'm kidding. I had to stop. My life was falling apart.

It turned into a real life, real-time train wreck. I was fucking robbing people outside of the mall. It was the weirdest thing. What do you mean you were robbing people? Can you explain exactly what you would do and what you would ask for and how you would say it? Before I had guns, I had knives at the time. A couple of, uh, I think they're called K-bars.

The long ones Marines use. I had two K-bars and people would literally come out of the mall with some sort of a bag. I would look at it, uh, see if it was from the hat store. I was big into hats at the time. As is many people when they first moved to Austin. Yeah, if it was a hat store, I would just go up with both of my fucking knives out,

put them up to their neck in like a scissor motion type of thing, and just watch a little bit of blood come out. And I would know to stop then, but man, one night I accidentally cut somebody's head off. Whoa, where'd their head go? It just plopped on the ground. It made like this weird bag of sand noise. And a man, a woman, whose head did you cut off?

Some bitch, some dumbass bitch. Who had it fucking coming? I've been following her for like two weeks. She had it coming. You followed her for two weeks. Why did she have it coming? Just what she would watch on television at night. I was literally up in some tree outside of her apartment

for two fucking weeks. Wow. She just watched the stupidest shit on TV. It was always on forensic files. It was the dumbest shit. Just some dumbass bitch. She had it fucking coming. Wow.

Powerful eye contact with the audience. Whoa, there's one of the winks. We've seen this before, everybody. The patented winking of William Montgomery. Normally there's a sound effect that goes along with it. If I had a sound effects guy, it would be happening right now. Yeah, Redman, what are you doing, dumbass? What are you doing over there seriously?

What are you fucking looking at? She found it. Wink some more. Wink some more. You're too slow, dumbass. You're not even doing it anymore. What are you doing? Why does fucking Tony have to do it now?

Redman doesn't know how to play improv games with William, and he ends up getting super mad. William, wink a couple more times at the audience. This is the... Okay, that's too fast. Stop. I can't fucking wink that fast, you idiot. You guys have a real rivalry.

It is incredible to watch. What do y'all think of Redman? Really, what do y'all think of Redman? Great guy, I love him. Shout out to Redman. Has he tried to kiss you yet? Yeah, and I let him. You let him?

Yeah, why not? He's a good looking guy. Okay, I agree. I love it. This kid needs a cup of decaf. He is strong as a bull. Wait, who needs a cup of decaf? Oh, shit.

Shit, the sights are on the big hand. Hold on, no, seriously. Who needs a cup of decaf? Oh, shit. Tony, I didn't know you knew the zodiac. What is that supposed to fucking mean? Oh, shit. The fuck is going on up here right now?

You're lucky he doesn't have his knives with him. Yeah. I do have one of them. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. William, this is the first time you've come on the show dressed like a Toblerone. Am I saying that right?

What does that mean? You know that box that came in? A Toblerone? The chocolates? Yeah. Like a package. I don't know exactly what color shirt we would call that, but I would call it Toblerone Yellow.

Somebody make him stop. Somebody please. It's specific. You do. You look like a drunk canary right now. Somebody make this guy stop. Please. All right.

Well, William, you were fresh off a weekend in Miami, clean and sober, eating healthy, eating good. I gave you unlimited access to my tab at the hotel. And what'd you get? You got some room service, right? Yep. Got room service. Got a... What did you just find?

A knife or something? Shut the fuck up! Yeah. I just hear this little voice down there. A knife or something? Shut up! Hulk Hogan's daughter started heckling again, everybody. Oh, yeah.

Somebody get her out of here! Seriously, somebody get her out of here! No, don't kick her out. Don't kick her out. But no, my leg's been killing me, Tony. I was on the Stairmaster too much. Okay, you were on the Stairmaster too much. This is true.

It's true. My leg has literally been hurting. Is that chiropractor guy still in here? The... Oh, shit. The cowboy chiropractor? Seriously, my leg's been killing me. I'll wake up at night and I can't go back to sleep. Wow.

Yeah, that's the amount of pain I'm fucking getting right now. Okay. Well, when Joe Rogan's new club opens up, you're going to get health insurance. It's very exciting. I haven't had health insurance in 20 fucking years. I'm not getting on health insurance. Why won't you get on health insurance? There's no way I would ever get on health insurance.

I don't understand. I haven't been on health insurance in 20 fucking years, Tony. So why wouldn't you? There's no way I'm getting on it. I'm not getting on it. It's been 20 fucking years since I haven't had it. 20 fucking years, Tony. I find it hard.

I'm not getting on health insurance. Nobody's going to make me get on health insurance. It just seems like you're finding... Tony, I can't get on it. But why can't you get on it now? I'm not getting on it. But it's free. I'm not getting on it, Tony.

But why wouldn't you get on health insurance? I can't talk about it right now. I can't talk about it right now. Why are you shaking your head? Yes, Red Band. Why are you acting like you fucking know why I don't have it? I get it. I know why you don't have it,

because they write down too much about you. You don't want that. I don't know what that even means. Yeah, you do. Do you still have that open wound on your belly that you used to have? The red dot. Do you still have the red dot?

Let's see. Where'd it go? Can we see it? The red dot? Yeah, remember the open wound that you have? Oh. I actually do still have it. Oh, wow.

There's a little remnant of it there. Look at that fucking. Have you ever seen something like this before? Have you ever seen something like this before? Have you ever seen something like this before? The fuck's going on in here? He just broke his teeth. Where are you going?

You scared Kevin, you psychopath. Sir, is that his fucking name, Kevin? Yeah. The color of your shirt made him have to go pee. William, have I ever told you before that you look like homeless Simpson? All right, wow. Somebody make him stop.

William, you are an absolute national treasure. Everybody loves you. You destroyed five sets in Miami. You're killing it everywhere you go. There he goes. The great William Montgomery, everybody. Look at this drawing from the great Ryan J. E. Bell. He draws every episode of the show,

all the way from Los Angeles. How cool is that? That's fucking awesome. That's you, Kevin. It's all available at ryanjeebell.com. That's beautiful. Each individual, every episode has been drawn. How about one more time for my guests tonight?

The great H. Foley and Kevin Ryan, everybody. Thank you, Austin. Thank you so much for having us. Follow him on patreon.com. Slash, are you garbage at? Are you garbage at Foley Grams and at Kevin Ryan Comedy? How long can this place get for the band, everybody? The screwball, peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony band.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Dave Shear making his Kill Tony debut on guitar. And that is the great D. Madness, holding it down right down the middle on bass. The official Kill Tony after party starts now. And there's some exclusive, very limited edition, Kill Tony merch for sale in the corner there. Thank you all for coming out.

Good night, everybody. Tony! Tony! One time for Tony! Oh, thank you so much. Thanks so much, Doug. Thank you so much and thank you so far. In Huaathi, very much.

Alright. There's more to it. That would be good. But I'm not with you. I got to go. You