KILL TONY - #558 - DUNCAN TRUSSELL + DOUG STANHOPE + MICHAEL YO

Episode Date: May 20, 2022

Duncan Trussell, Doug Stanhope, Michael Yo, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/02/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to

RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rebekah, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony! Austin, Texas, so you ready for the craziest fucking Monday night of your lives or what? Yeah, Red Band's here, everybody. Hi. How about a hand for the band, everyone? Come on, am I right? That's the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball, Peanut Butter Whiskey. One of my favorite whiskeys, one of my favorite peanut butter products. That's the great Michael

Gonzalez on drums, John Dees on the keys, Matt Mueling on guitar, and the man himself, D-Madness on the bass right here sitting. I keep them close to me. I keep them close. I love it. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. Just so happen to be here in Austin, Texas. Of course, also brought to you by Red Bull and the W Hotel, where now if you're coming to visit Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas, you could use the promo code Kill Tony at the W Hotel and save 25% off a Sunday or a Monday night. So very, very exciting stuff happening here. And here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available

for you here on the internet for free right now. Hey, y'all. Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliff here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me all around the country. We're back at it. Salt Lake City, May 20th and 21st, Buffalo, June 10th and 11th, Atlantic City, New Jersey, June 24th and 25th, Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th, Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th and the 30th, Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas, Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return, September 29th, 30th and October 1st. Excited to get back to Nashville, San Antonio, Dallas, Houston, Tampa, Atlantic City and Buffalo and of course Salt Lake City, the home of my favorite

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All right. I hope you guys like comedy because I brought two of my funniest friends in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Duncan Trussell and Michael Yo. Wow. Oh, shit. Wow. It's really them. Holy shit. Absolutely incredible. Michael Yo is here. New stand-up comedy special out on YouTube at Michael Yo Comedy and ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Duncan Trussell is back. Thank you. Hi. Good to see you. We're coming off an amazing weekend in Denver with our dear leader, Joe Rogan. Duncan, last time you were on the show, you just kind of disappeared within the first 10 minutes. Where did you go? Oh, that's right.

This is what's so funny about the internet because all these theories popped up about like, where'd he go? Where'd they go off to? Where'd he go off to? And you know where I went? I had to pee, but I was like high and drunk. So I just didn't want to come back on stage. You guys were really, you guys were really high and really drunk and Alex Jones was here and I watched it all hit you at one time and it was a lot. I knew you weren't coming back the second I watched you go pee, but also that was the first time I've been on stage since the pandemic. So like there was a lot of like emotional stuff happening. It was really cool because a lot of us take for granted here in Texas exactly how much fun we got to have the entire time and when

our friends from LA came to visit and took off their, yeah, it's a blast. Crazier shits happening in the very near future that we're all very, very excited about. You guys know what the show is? A bunch of comedians signed up for their chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just a loud way to, very good. Thank you red band for the extra volume tonight. Always good. It's always good that we're on a coordinated front. Anyway, and then I interviewed them and we talked more about them, about their lives and find out more about them. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah. Awesome. Well, there's only

one way to really start a show like this as of late and that is with a guy who consistently, we have a few regulars on this show. This guy is one of those regulars for the last six to eight months or so. He's been writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. Then he started opening for me and Rogan here at Vulcan. And then he started opening for Rogan in arenas, continuously getting more and more work. We watched him start living in a van six months ago. Now he has his own apartment. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Hans Kim. Hey, my girlfriend was like, Hans, if I got into a horrible car accident and I was disfigured for the rest of my life, would you still want to date me? I was like, wow, that's so true. We really do need

to improve highway safety. I get in trouble because I stare at women in public a lot and in private too. Because to me, a beautiful woman is like a breathtaking scenic sunset that can yell at you. It's like a moundside with pepper spray. It's like a beach with a boyfriend. So you can't take a picture, even though you kind of want to take a picture sometimes. I'm a pervert. I think it's funny that they separate snowboarding by gender because they all look like a pile of jackets. In this pile of jackets, there's a vagina, so its flips are worth more. That's my time. Thank you guys. All right. Hans Kim, showing us how comedy is done. That's my time. It's such a weird art form. Vagina in jackets. Hans, you're out here just

smashing, having a blast. How's life going? It's going fantastic. Yeah. I'm getting laid regularly. I perform at arenas. That's right. I hang out with the best comedians in the world. That's right. How many stakes did you eat this weekend, Hans? Like four. Like four stakes, everybody. It's just living that kind of life. How do you feel? How did it feel coming home and reacclimating to Austin after we just did 20,000 audience members in Denver? Me, him, and Duncan did four shows. It's about a thousand people each. It was kind of sad to have to go back to my normal life, but I always have the memory of us together. That is true. One of the times in a stunning turn of events, I'll share this with the audience here, some exclusive

information. Oh, hello. How are you guys? Come on in. How's it going? These are some of my favorite cashiers from H-E-B. Come on in. Make yourself at home. One of the Friday on our way out from the hotel to the venue, Hans was late getting to the car, everybody. He was the only one that was late. Yeah, you guys were making fun of me the whole weekend for that, but that was the only time I was late. That's true because we had the security guy tell you everything after that was 15 minutes before we actually did everything. So instead of us meeting at 6 p.m. for dinner, we told you 5.45 and you were five minutes early for that, so you were 20 minutes early for everything else the rest of the weekend. That's fucked up, Hans.

Yeah, dude. We fucking bullied you, bro. That's just straight up rude what I did. I would love to get bullied again. It was an honor. Yeah, you like it. You like the punishment, don't you? Yeah. Absolutely. You want Tony to spank you sometime, don't you? Oh, you said that you're a pervert. Is that true? Definitely. Wow. What's so perverted about you? I really love the female form. You know, okay, wait, do you know what makes you perverted? What? You think if you love the female form, you're perverted. That's perverted. Oh. Like, how is loving the female form perverted? Yeah, that's creepy to think that. That's like weird that you would think that. Like, every dude loves the female form.

Yeah. I mean, what's your favorite body part of a lady? Pride of the vagina. Oh, very good. Very good. Nice. For those of you that might be new around here, Hans is autistic. So when he's honest as fuck, it's just comedy gold. That was not a setup. That was his honest, true answer. He does indeed prefer the vagina over every other female body part. How about second favorite female body part? I think this will tell us a lot. The ass. Whoa, okay. All right, let's go three. What do you got for three? Probably the tits. Okay, great. I'm glad we got these out of the way. Super predictable. So I will now ask, and I think we're going to learn a lot from this. What is your fourth favorite female body part? The navel. So weird. The navel. The belly

button. What do you do with the navel? Exactly, Hans. Explain to us what you do. You put whipped cream in there or something. Just smooth it down and pushing it back in. You're pushing it in. Wait a second. Hold on. You relax. You have a sander or something. What are we talking about? How do you smooth out a navel? Exactly. Give it a little pat. Wow. Wow. Look at you. A little pat, huh? And they like that? No, not really. That's why it's number four. Nothing better than a good old rapey navel pat. Oh my goodness. I feel like this, a clip of this is going to be on Dateline. Known pervert, Hans Kim.

Wow. You really are a pervert. Your first three answers were good, but that navel's creepy as fuck. Let's just say you did murder women. If you did murder women, would you say that the navel might be the body part that you like to keep on your wall or in your collection? You have to now pick a body part to keep of the women. If you murdered women, what body part would that be? Probably the eyes. Jesus Christ! See what I'm talking about? About the honesty and autism thing? Like that. That was real right there. Again, we've never pre-discussed any of this, ladies and gentlemen. He literally just, he didn't say, I will say the word, he admitted. He admitted.

He had an answer loaded up. He was ready for that question. He is never getting laid again. I'm sorry, brother. Yeah, right. The type of girls that he fucks are already into that. They're like, very good. They're into the danger that they might get murdered. Hans, you are a real creep as a way, and we love you, dude. You just own it. You roll with the punches. You're out here absolutely thriving. We watched you go from literally being addicted to open mic-ing, and you were going to all these empty clubs around the country. Literally every single night he was addicted to open mics in front of his friends and in front of co-workers,

and literally now he cannot stop getting paid to do comedy. It is incredible. It is exactly what the show is built around and for, and nobody really has ever taken as much advantage of it as fast and as cool as this guy has. I've been with him on these road trips. All he does is stare at, he has his jokes on, a fucking spreadsheet on his phone. That's not autism. That's just being Asian, everybody. But it is incredible. He works hard. He plays hard. How about one more time for Hans Kim, everybody. All right, we're going to the bucket. This is where we meet someone. Perhaps it's a first-time comedian. Perhaps it's a local legend. Anything can happen here. This is where shit gets a little crazy sometimes because anybody could sign up for this part. It could be one of

these Westlake divorces here sitting in the middle of the room. You don't know what could happen. Bernard White is your first name out of the bucket, doing 60 seconds tonight, coming from the deep comedian section of the room. Here he comes. Make some noise for Bernard White, everybody. Oh, lovely sets of people over here. But Bernard White, he's not the whitest black name you've ever heard in your life. Like, fuck. But, Google interviews, man. Always got our interview. Walked in. Are you really Bernard Allen White III? I'm like, no, I'm Barry White. Us whites all look alike. Truthfully though, man, I changed my name to Whitey as a bouncer and as an upstage here, you know? But as a bouncer, it was amazing. Because other bouncer would be like,

yo, you missing your wallet and keys? Go talk to Whitey over there. Oh, I love that shit. People come walking up to me. Do you have my keys and wallet? I'm like, say it. No, say my name. I'm like, say it. Come on. Can I please have my keys and wallet? No, say my name. Fuck, no. But, you know, this is a good crowd here. Can you guys call me Whitey? Awesome. This is a fun game. So let's do the opposite now. Call me a nigga. What, nobody? Fucking racist, man. You could have called me Whitey, and me nigga, and it would have been like, perfect. But now, you guys call me Whitey. All right. There you go. Bernard White. That is the West Hollywood Bear. Very good. That is how that works, Red Band. Just self-destructing right in front of our very eyes. I love it. Bernard,

how are you, sir? Welcome. Love it. Love it. Finally up here. Hell yeah. You've been signing up for a while? Yeah, I have. Yeah? Like a couple months? What? A month. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five months now. Okay. And you gave up? You used to be Mr. T. Am I correct? And then you let yourself go completely? I'm his cousin. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love it. So Bernard, welcome. You are by far one of the funniest Tyler Perry characters I've ever had on the show. Tell us, you've been doing it for five months. You said, what do you do for a living? Exactly. What bus do you drive around here? Well, our entire game programming. So now I just act, comedy, and I do voice work. Oh, sweet. Awesome. What kind of voices do you do?

Mostly like fantasy books and audiobooks. Okay. Any like romantic things or anything like that? I am working on an erotic ASMR right now, so. Whoa. Oh yeah. So what do you have to say for that? That's your sexy voice? Yes, it is. Oh, shit. Okay. Darth Vader doesn't need to be here right now. I love it. Okay. So what do you do for fun, Bernard? Comedy. Right. Other than that. Drink, smoke, have sex. I mean, I'm 42 years old, you know. I had the whole world be my freedom oyster, you know. I love it. No kids. All in college. It's something about mustard, I do believe, right? Oyster or mustard? You have the whole world as your free mustard seat. Exactly. Oyster. Oh, okay. I love it. Okay, Bernard, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

Oh, I like writing fucked up screenplays. Oh, wow. Okay. Any, come here. I guess I can't really ask you about that. You're not going to tell us the plot to your movie that you wrote. What else? What else about you? Other than that, I like to just tell people out. I'm a really giving person. Okay, can you give us an example of when you've given to somebody? I like to give out free joints to everybody. Oh, okay. I'm a witness to that. I saw him hand out like 10 joints the other night to people. Yeah. He talked about being nice and the Saudi Arabian cowboy got up to go to the restaurant. He's bad. That's our buddy, right? He comes to every show. I call him Keith Turbin. Works every time. It's crazy. Wow. Bernard, has being nice to somebody ever backfired for you?

Not at all. I'm a big black man that's jolly. No one's fucked with me. Right. Right. Interesting. A big black man that's jolly. Have you ever thought about playing a black Santa Claus? Actually, that's one of my bits being Mr. T. and back Santa Claus. You know, because I believe that it's my way. I feel that fool. It's in front of my ho ho hoes. Wow. I'm going to kill myself for you. I like that joke so much. I'm going to kill myself. Wow. Bernard, there you. Thank you. That's the sound of me killing myself 14 seconds after I made a joke about it. So, Bernard, you talked about having sexual relations with women. Can you tell us some more

about this? What type of, where are you finding these lovely, what I'm saying, voluptuous ladies out? Well, we'll just say like, I like to smoke. They like to smoke and get together, bars, clubs, mostly like, you know, holes in the wall. Right. You talking about glory holes? That's my private life, sir. Oh, shit. Look out, holes in the walls. So like, let's say there's a girl sitting at a bar that you fancy. Is there a type of woman that you prefer? I like big ins. Big ins? How about, how about a skin color? Are we talking? I like everything. Everything's fun. The best is like half Samoan half Japanese. Whoa. Are you talking about your favorite sushi restaurants? What are we talking about?

Blasions. Hell yeah. The Miso. All right, Bernard. Interesting. So you see a girl sitting at a bar. What's your big pickup line? What's your opening line to a girl? Hey, you smoke? Whoa. So you're really, you lean into the marijuana. You're like Mr. THC. There it is. Sometimes, sometimes it needs to cook for a few minutes. Thank you. Thank you, Bishop. Hell yeah. All right. The band's happy too. Okay. Very good. Why we were able to do this. Fuck yeah. All right. Well, what else? You started here in Austin, correct? Yes. Been here for 33 years. You've lived here for three years. We're 33 years.

33 years. Holy shit. So you spent like 10 years somewhere else. Yes. In Bonhomme, Germany. Whoa. You were born in Germany. Yep. Wow. This is good. Good. German-American. Wow. That is incredible. You're German. It's actually, you remind me of one of my favorite cakes. I don't know if you've ever had German chocolate. It is my favorite. And it's a real thing. The Asians seem confused about this one. German chocolate is when there's coconut on the outside of a chocolate. They're looking the other direction, literally. These people might hate me. Is that David Flores? David, hello. How are you? I seem very angry right now. I know you.

You can't be mad. All right. That Asian girl hates you. Yeah. She really hates you. Blink twice if you speak English. Oh, she's laughing. She's laughing at that one. Okay. All right. Very good. Bernard, so much fun to meet you. I love having people of all different shapes and sizes up here. And you are both. We're going to give you a joke book. Congratulations. Five months in the game. Bernard White, everybody. There you go. That's a Bonesi handmade Texas leather joke book. I'm going to pull another name out of this bucket here. Let's see what happens here. All right. Make some noise for Jay Valdez, everybody. Jay Valdez is next on Kiltoni. Here he comes. He has a steady jog. One more time for Jay Valdez, everyone.

What's up, bokeh? Hell yeah, guys. If you couldn't tell, I used to be a collegiate athlete. Thank you. Your silence does wonders for my self-esteem and rectile dysfunction. I appreciate it. Sir, what sport did I play in college? If you say, oh my God, you said soccer. Find me later and kick the shit out of you. Sir, what sport did I play? Oh my God. You guys are nothing but jokes today. You know, I played tennis. Hell yeah. I was a team's drug dealer. And I don't know if you guys have ever seen a coked up tennis player before. Just... Fuck, that's hot. Try again. Fault. Let's get it going. Good game. Good game. Good game.

Man, why guys would put anything up their nose if you crush it? Thank you. Yikes. Jay Valdez has arrived to kill Tony. I mean, wow. Holy shit. So they let you Mexicans get as much riddling as you want, huh? Because like the prescription policies down there just out of control. You are, if Adderall was a human, I mean, this is incredible. The chain that matches the bracelet. Oh my God. All on Wish. All on Wish.com. Wow, incredible. Wish.com. Oh my God. You're something else, dude. Where the fuck are you from? What east coast fucking? What part of northern Connecticut slash southern Maine are you from

exactly? How far off am I? I am from the third coast, San Antonio. Oh, wow. This is the rare case in which a Latino man has a vitamin D deficiency on the shelf. This almost never happens. It's very hard to find. It's like finding a leprechaun, a pale Mexican. Jesus, how much do you avoid the sun? What is this? How do you even do that? How do you stay that skin tone? It's a talent, really. It's a what? It's a talent. What? It's genetics. Oh, yeah. What are your parents? Where are they? What are they? But then I'm going to ask, where are they? Because I feel like your inner psychology just made you want to ask that. They're both Mexican. They passed all the prerequisites. They what? They passed all the

prerequisites, the swim test, the high jump, you know. Okay, very good. You're still bombing, Jay. For those of you keeping track, he's bombing. Even though Setzolfico 60 seconds, he's been bombing for exactly three minutes and seven seconds. It is incredible. This might be a record. So, Jay, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since January. Since January. And what made you want to start something like this that is completely totally out of your natural wheelhouse? I was a paramedic for 10 years and said, fuck that. Whoa. Okay, a paramedic. Now, what made you finally give up on being a paramedic? What was the last straw? Was there a specific moment where you're scooping somebody's brains off the highway or something, right? It seems like there

must be a moment in which you're like, I can't do this anymore. There sure was. There sure was. It was the moment when an over-privileged white boy threw up all over my shoes. That's it? Yeah. It was the last straw. All the other things were easy, the heroin, the shootings. It was the vomit from the white guy. Wow. Was it specifically because if it was white, what if it was a black guy? No, no, no. They don't throw up. They can hold their liquor. Wow. Damn. Very, very interesting. D-Madness is cracking up right now. Some type of maniacal laugh like he has never thrown up in his entire life. He did try to give him fists. Oh, no, Jay. How many of you think we should light Jay on fire right now, everybody?

Jay. The people have spoken, Jay. The people have spoken. Are you, are you, D, you've seen black people throw up, he just said. Incredible. Are you rolling up? Are you making your own noose there with the coordinates ahead? Is that what's happening here? Because if you want to, we could throw it up there. We could have the first hanging on Kiltony. It could be a thing. And it's probably better than lighting yourself on fire, which the crowd voted is what they want to do in this situation. I'll finally get a tan then. What? If you light me on fire, I'll probably get a little tan then.

A little tan. So what exactly time are we at here? Yes. Five minutes and 14 seconds of straight, silent bombing. Everybody just ah, quiet and good. Wait, I have to say, don't you think the coked up tennis player, like if you remove the setup, no setup, forgive this, but just the physical comedy by itself with a better setup. No. Oh my God. Duncan, you're so fucking funny. You know what? I want to see it. No setup. No setup. I'm going to bring you up again. We want you to just do the act out. No setup. Don't say anything. Ready? All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jay Valdez,

everybody. Here we go. Okay, I got the setup. It actually works. Oh, what's the setup? The setup is, uh, my grandfather was a famous tennis player, but he has Parkinson's disease. Is this what it looks like? Jay, you are truly one of the worst we've ever had up in a show where anyone can sign up. It's incredible. But you know what? You started in January. Anything is possible. Duncan and I were talking about how we basically, I mean, we did, we both started at the comedy store and it's, you know, it's the hardest art form in the world. And, you know, we wish you the best of luck.

What kind of segway is that? What am I supposed to do? The guy doesn't have a chance. There's nothing anybody can do to make him funny. Maybe some sunlight. It'll bring out like the, you need vitamins. I've never recommended anybody vitamins before, but some people need to pick me up. Some people need to work out. I think you need a good daily multivitamin. You could start with a chewable, you know, easier way into it. And then by the time you run out of those chewables, you'll be ready for the pill form of like a, all right, I prefer the gummies. Okay, there you go. And that seals it. Seven minutes and 39 seconds. Jay Valdez, everybody. There he goes. Jay, take one of these little joke books.

That's made by the great Bones Eye. That's real Texas leather there. There he goes. Jay Valdez, everyone. Well, this absolutely can't be right. Obviously, somebody is pranking us right now, but I'm just going to say the name anyway and see what happens. But there's no chance this could possibly be possible. This says Doug Standhope, everybody. A brand new minute from Doug Standhope. It really is him. That's been all my time. What'd you think? Give me your words. I can take it. I can follow Jay Valdez with nothing. Thank you very much. There's real comics that are trying to actually get some stage time,

but I just needed to hear that. Good to see you guys. Doug Standhope, everybody. Wow. Just one of the best in the world, just dipping in for a second. Come on, people. Make some noise for him. It's Doug Standhope here in Austin, Texas. We want to hang out with us? Yeah, smoke, hang out. Doug's going to grab a seat up here with us, everybody. Only because I saw a red band can smoke up here. Wow, this is so exciting. I'm excited to be here. My goodness. And feel free to play with the soundboard all that you want. It's going to be exciting to have somebody over here that has comedic timing for the first time ever. So, we're very excited. I fucking killed.

You really did. I really killed. Literally the opposite of Jay Valdez. No words, all kill. I mean, what a clinic. I feel like if Jay went on after you, he would have tried the exact same thing. We're going to have fun here. So, Doug, we're going to watch some new comedians together. You want to watch a new minute? I love new comedians. Hell yeah. Failure's the only thing that makes me laugh. Well, we have a lot of that here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of E.J. Enright. Here we go. E.J. Enright is the next. Oh, he's coming from over here. Here he is, everybody. One more time for E.J. Enright. What's up, everybody? What's up? How are you doing, Austin? Very cool. I've

been doing a lot of weird events in my life. Recently, I was invited to a gender reveal party. It's hard to buy a gift. A lot of neutral gifts out there, but I don't know. What do you buy, a 32-year-old? I always wonder about how I'm going to die. You never know what's going to happen. You never know what's going to happen, man. You're going to die. You don't know what's coming, right? My girlfriend said she wanted to die in her sleep. I mean, my ex-girlfriend. Uh, my girlfriend loves tanning. She goes tanning all the time. She says, the darker the better. That's why she keeps saying, then my kids are black. Have you guys ever seen the black version of Annie? It's a no-knock warrant.

That's all I got. That's all I got. That's all I got. That's all I got. All right. Perfect. EJ Enright with a brand new minute. This is your first time on this show, right, EJ? Yes. Okay. Well, welcome. Very good. Okay. All right. We noticed that you kept staring at your wrist during the set. Is that a suicide attempt that you were looking at? Were you trying to make a surest the right way? No, it's my first time doing stand-up. First time ever doing stand-up. How cool is that? One of the great legends of the game, a fucking beast, Doug Stanhope is here. Doug, what do you think about that? Do you remember anything about your first time?

No, I do. I do remember my first time and it was horrible and it was a really shitty bar like this. But without you judging me. All right. All right. Red day. Okay. So, EJ, what do you do for work? You're starting stand-up comedy. You live here in Austin. I could tell because you're wearing a Stubbs barbecue hat. I'm actually visiting for my birthday. I know. I was kidding, dude. Nobody that lives here would ever wear that shit. Are you fucking kidding me? That is the most touristy shit. What did you just go watch the bats and then come here? Missed it. This fucking guy. This fucking guy standing under the bridge with his Stubbs hat on. Oh my god. Well, no, Tony. Actually, I'm just visiting.

We know. We know EJ. Where are you visiting from? New Jersey. Marstown. New Jersey. What part? Marstown. Marstown. Marstown. Okay. Very good. Yes. Yes. The home of the godfather. Marstown, New Jersey. For those of you, film buffs out there. I love it. So, what do you do for a living? I build custom fences. I do upholstery. I play guitar. I play. I do a lot of things. Oh, yes. You are a Mexican. Congratulations. You have mariachi? What kind of guitar do you play? The shredding type. What? I try to play in anything. Blues, rock. Really? Wow. You seem like such a virtuoso. Will you play us something right now? I would love to do that. Does anybody see if EJ... How many

do you want to see if EJ has any talent whatsoever? All right. He says he can play guitar. Matt Mueling is going to be nice enough to let him borrow his guitar for a second. Or else we're going to go to the Marstown credit union to get him a new one if he breaks it. Oh, he knows how to put it on. EJ Enright has a guitar on. EJ, what's going on? Oh, you brought your own pick? Holy shit. Super creepy. Are you into Navels? Oh, he's asking. Whoa. Okay. Fucking scary Clark Jr. over here. Wow. I mean, what the fuck? The crowd goes wild. This guy's not having it at all. He's not impressed. Thank you, everybody. That was hilarious. EJ, never do stand-up comedy again. Why are you doing this? I can't believe we got to watch your

first and last time as a comedian. You don't even do stand-up between songs. When you're a famous musician and you go, I'm going to say something funny between these songs. Don't. Yeah. Just keep hitting strings, my friend. Oh my goodness. My goodness. Do a pollstery. Do a pollstery between songs. Yeah. You shot the sheriff, but you did not kill Tony. Oh, I activated the backlight. That was a good one. That means that was a good one according to the lights guy. Very rarely do we get such a special treat. EJ, tell us more about your life. You're shredding like that on guitar. What the fuck makes you even want to try stand-up comedy? I'm a big fan. Me and my dad, we just are quick. We

go back and forth all the time. Really? Is he funny? Is he the funny one? My dad is funny. Clearly, you're the straight man. Shout out to Barry Enright. Here's what I think. I think there must be a famous band nearby, and soon we're going to hear their guitarist like smoke PCP and wandered into an open mic. Yeah, EJ, what are you doing here? I'm just fucking raging. Are you part of a band? Are you your own musician? I play in a few groups. I like record bands. I do audio engineering. I play music. You ever sing? I didn't. I'm not the best. Right. No, I believe you. I got to get pitched. I'm not the best singer. Tony, I sing like I do comedy, Tony.

EJ, what do you like to do for fun? Tell us a fun fact about your life. I like playing pool, drinking beer, smoking weed, and I just like enjoying the moment. I like try to do everything I can. I try to hang out with as many people I know, make friends. I love people. Wow. I dragged too much of my friends down here to Texas to come to the show. From Mars Town? From Mars Town. And you say that you're moving here? Maybe. Is that what you said? Did you say that at some point? Maybe. Way more gigs here. Way more what? Way more gigs. Oh. Did everybody else hear gigs? Yeah. What did I say? What is it? Really? That was quite the Freudian slip there. Whoops. Yeah, gigs. No big meaty gigs.

Some of those good old girthy, girthy gigs that I mean too long and hard gigs. Anyway, EJ and Ray, congratulations. You absolutely are an unbelievable guitar player. Well, thank you. Thank you, everybody. Come on, give them a big Texas send off to Mars Town, New Jersey. Here, take one of these, EJ. We're running out of small joke books very quickly here tonight. You guys want a special treat? Well, in the history of this show, in almost 600 episodes, we've been all around the world and only, I think, seven or eight times ever has anybody ever won a thing called a golden ticket, which means that they had such a good set and such a good interview that they get to do a spot on Kill Tony. Literally any time that they won for

the history of the show, this young man has been a golden ticket winner for years and he's from Phoenix, Arizona. This is his first time doing the show at Vulcan. Make some noise for Tristan Bowling, everybody. Kill Tony, how the fuck we doing, huh? Oh, who here has ever tried their own cum, huh? Dudes, anyone? Any dudes? Any dudes? Yeah. Here's why every dude should do it. This is a feminist joke. Two reasons, two. One, a good chef always tastes his meal before he serves it. It's polite. Second reason, if you're ever with someone, boy, girl, whatever, and they're like, hey, this doesn't taste good. You can be like, oh, contraire. I tasted my rough draft, and I ate fruit for you, bitch. All right.

It's not good, but I'll fucking shoot in the air and catch it in the air like a seal. Like, I'll fucking prove a point. I'll dip a fry. My name is Patricia Bowling. Thank you guys so much. Wow. Like a true Golden Ticket winner knows exactly when his 60 seconds is up. Another brand new minute from Tristan Bowling, a young man who we've gotten to watch sort of completely grow up. I know. Right in front of us. I'm almost 24, Tony. Look at you. I've came in a lady. It's crazy. It's unbelievable. I don't like how he calls men bitches. Just because he eats your cum doesn't make him your bitch. Some wisdom from the great duck Santa. That's some Duncan Trussell shit right there. He who eats his own cum is... Yeah, I am my own bitch.

I eat my own cum. It is true. Can I may ask you something? Yeah, please. Have you really tasted your own cum? Yeah. We're all midnight scientists at one point, you know? Midnight scientists? You got it. It's kind of chemistry set. Are we talking about over here? Fucking Walter Wett over here. Why did you do that? I'm curious. He kills the cat, my friend. I mean, I just... A lot of calendar ripoff So let me ask you this. Do you do it on your hand? Do you have a beaker of some kind that perhaps you come into? Is it a bowl? Usually, I don't know how. A plate seems like it would be sufficient. I don't know how y'all beat. I don't know how, but like I do it on the toilet so I can just like mortar pitch myself down and shoot into the water. Whoa. Yeah, so you do the old deal. I'm your only friend on this

panel. Yeah. Doug, I'm from Phoenix. Let's kiss. I can't believe this panel has never tasted their own cum or acting like it. Like, what? Listen, they're not they're not fucking modern progressive midnight scientists. They're not. They're not. It's like boba. Yeah, dude. Listen, it's it's like... I've never... I've never eaten boba. I'm not a fan. You like durian. You like durian fruit and that shit tastes like dog ass. That's true. You should try your own cum. Okay. Let me ask you this. Yeah. Have you ever tasted a dog's ass? No, but a dog ass has tasted my cum. That's gross. This is why he's a Golden Tickle winner. I'm from Buckeye, okay? We found him when he was 20 years

old, everybody. He's the only guy I know that performed at the comedy store on his 21st birthday at all. So funny. Big shouts out to mommy. She drove me. She did all the way from Phoenix. Yeah, they're moving around here soon. Oh, that's great. We love your parents. Yeah, my dad just got a job down here. Right? Yeah, he's working for 2k games right now. Okay. Yeah, always be branding. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I get I get money. You have style. You dress like that. Yeah. How's that working out for you? I got a girlfriend. I moved in with her. Wow. Look at that. Shout out Haley. Hell yeah. Lesbians are thriving right now. Yeah. It's incredible. She watched you for you and she's like, I'll fuck that one. All right. I love it. Absolutely. Hell yeah. You pee me up Pete Davidson over here. I

like that. So you're living with a girl. This is your first time living with a girl? Yeah, it's the first time I've ever been outside of my house. So tell us what that's like. What are some things that you've noticed? Clearly, you've already started partaking and wearing her clothes. So how dare you? How dare you? She did buy this for me. But I bet. So what's been going on? Tell us about living with a girl. It's cool. It's weird. She shits with the door open. Oh, she really likes you. I know. I don't know. It's like a dominance thing. It's weird. She doesn't like, I want to get her a squatty potty because she puts her feet on the toilet seat like an owl. Are you serious? Not even fucking with you. She's like a gargoyle? She goes full-goyle. Like Sigourney Weaver at the

end of Ghostbusters 1? She's dropping pellets, dude. She's a fucking owl. Dissectum. There's rabbit bones in there and shit. It's fucked up. Oh, shout out Haley. She's gonna be thrilled watching this. Oh my goodness. We know how you poop. Stop. Close the door. Fuck. Dude, every time I see your poop with the door open, I'm like, hey, you making room? You know, anal? All right. All right, Red Band. Thank you. A master of his craft. Red Band has pulled out his fartboard, everybody. The artist that he is. Brian Red Band is still back there. I love it. What else has been happening in life? Anything else before we let you go, Tristan? Working two jobs, just trying to get myself ready to move somewhere, man. You still rapping? Yeah, a little bit, man. Just trying. Yeah,

I haven't written anything in a minute, but I'll try. I'll try to do some, like, old stuff if you want. Will you? Yeah. Okay. This guy's a great rapper. We've heard it before. Let's see if he's been keeping up on his keys and cues or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. I don't know what to say in instrumental. Just fuck it, but wow. Confidence. Swagger. This is Tristan Bowling, Golden Ticker winner. All right. All right. I see motherfuckers crystal clear. I am clarity. All these comics, when I step on stage, they're fucking spare to me. New faces can't keep pace. They go in downhill like a peris. He's got me Montana with the burners walking like a parrot. He can't see. All these bitches, they fuck it with

D and I pull up a fish and I'm not gonna meet. I suck at the D like it's twisty treat. Face of the tree, speak green. Place of the bees like I'm facing my meat. Don't look under the tree because I'm under the sheets and I'm rolling a ball and I'm up with the steam and I'm out of the process. You've all got to lean. Play with the ball like I'm placing the three, pull the bucket, I'll come in the green. Work with the gold, then be shy and mower and kill all the fuckers. I mean, hey, no need for 40, hey, yeah, only lean, hey, yeah. Well, they will go up the benches and blow over the good old scene. Wow. Wow. My goodness. Oh, what a fun night. It all sounded like it was real words the whole time. I'm pretty sure

you feel I went fast. I know that's like, oh, wow, that sounds like a real rap fan over there. This lady with her hat drove all the way from Round Rock to be here tonight. Rap connoisseur Linda from Round Rock has arrived everybody wearing her finest red. Yes, is that key? That's John Benet Ramsey right there. That is correct. Red band's correct. That is a, a, it turns out she's been alive all along. It is John Benet Ramsey, everybody alive and well, wearing her best pageant hat. Oh my goodness. A hat like that on a Monday. What the fuck do you wear on Fridays and Saturdays, lady? What the fuck is going on over here? Holy shit. Why the fuck you come out looking like Zorro? It's your husband's birthday, so you wore the hat?

Wow. You busted out the fucking hat? Lady, you're getting roasted by a boy old enough to be your grandson right now. Is he going to lay down on the bed with a boner and you're just going to toss and it's going to land? Tristan, if you're here Thursday, I would love to have you on the Secret Show, man. I'm going to try. Wow. Look at that. Dreams coming true. Kids booking gigs on big comedy shows in town. Hey Tristan, if you have nowhere to stay on Thursday, you want a golden ticket to my double bed at the Breezeway Motor Lodge that Joe Rogan sprung for. Dude. Feedy pajamas. We'll watch ghost movies. I'm fucking down. Well, you know what? Come while we watch each other. Yeah, it's beautiful. We can pour cums and vials, switch it around,

see which ones wish. I prefer pre-come. Okay, that's fair. It has more semen. All right, I'll leave. All right. Tristan Bowling, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun? All right. This is where shit gets interesting again. Back to the bucket we go where, as we've learned, absolutely anything can happen. Your next comedian goes by the name of Yassine Meckie. Yes, sir. Meckie, perhaps? Here he is. Make some noise for Yassine Meckie. How's it going? Nice. So, I'm Arab. I was raised Muslim. I'm not very devout. I'm not going to, you know, like, suicide bomb the fuck out of this place. Don't worry. Sorry. I'm not devout. Sorry, God. I'm not on board. I'm not with that. It's really too bad.

I'm not going to have my 72 virgins for a while. 72 virgins. Why virgins? I always wondered that. You know, I'll be rolling up in heaven. You know, successful bombing went perfectly ready to be rewarded. And, you know, you think you'd want like 72 disgustingly very fucking whores. You know, that's what I want. But that's not the case. You know, I'm up here in heaven. I'm like, I just died. I just fucking bombed this place. Why the fuck am I trying to teach this bitch how to deep throat? That's a bear. That is officially the bear. Red Bands having some problems with the sound board. Some people love it. These guys over here love it. I mean, they must be Texans over here. They must not have heard you say that you're a Muslim. Wait, what? Wait, what the fuck?

I'll take back those applause. How old are you, sir? How old are you? I'm 26. All right. So he probably wasn't around when Joe Rogan did basically that same bit when it was already tired. That's true. Yeah, exactly. Did he really? Yeah, it is quite incredible. What kind of ethnicity are you? What exactly are you? I'm Iraqi. Any Rocky? Oh, okay. Well, all right. Yeah. What are your parents think about you doing stand up? Are they both Iraqi? They are. Right. And how do they feel about this? You know what? They don't. This is my first time up on stage. Oh, okay. That's also the last comic spit. You heard that sheep. You just got hard as a rock. So hard as Iraq.

Is that a correct stereotype? That's absolutely true. Boom, nailed it. Oh, thank you. That is the penguin of truth right there. Tony, why don't you steal your own bit about he's also as pale as the pale Mexican. That is true. A lot of pale dark ethnicities up here today. A lot of a lot of I blame the lighting guy. Why do you think you're so pale? You're very definitely the palest Iraqi I've ever seen. Do you think that you people are forming like evolving whiter so that you could get through TSA faster? I was going with he didn't want to be stereotyped movies. Yeah, it's very, very brave of you to come up here telling us that you're Muslim and Iraqi. We would have thought you were from fucking Portland. You know what I mean?

You could be Antifa very easily. See this lady here agrees with me. She's very, very, can we get it? Can we get this girl a pair of headphones and a microphone? This is very exciting. She's very into this right now. What do you do for work? Yeah, scene. You know what? I'm in school. Oh, you're in school? What are you, flight school? No need for the takeoffs or landings. Skip those days. What kind of school are you in? Computer science. Theater science? Computer. Oh, that makes more sense. Okay. Computer science. And what are you hoping to do with that? What are your plans? You know what? I'm just trying to make money with that. What are you going to try to

do? How are you going to try to make money with that? You know what? It's not really what I want to do fully. I want to be an eSports player. An eSports player. Now, what exactly does that mean? What's it eSport? It means I want to professionally compete in video games. Oh, okay. And are you good at video games right now? Yeah. Your skin tone tells us that you should be. You have that. You have vitamin D deficiency that a lot of red bands fans. Why do you think he has vitamin D deficiency? You know what? Video games? It's inside. Red bands still doesn't know what a vitamin D deficiency is, everybody, even though literally doctors have told him that he has one. He doesn't know. Where do you think you get vitamin D, Tony? From the sun. And where do you think you play video

games? In Dorgs. Red band literally just absolutely pooling a fucking Ray Valdez up here. Jay Valdez. It's Jay Valdez being completely out of touch with what's happening. It's almost incredible. That's what I said is that your skin tone would lead us to believe that you are a video game player. You do play a lot of video games. You don't go outside very often. Correct. Thank you. He looks like an MMA fighter who started before training. I'm going to wear the garb and then learn to fight later. You look like you're wearing what an MMA fighter would wear into the ring without any of the skills. Yeah, just put it off. You look like if you're in the UFC and you want to fight the WTC. Okay, most people don't know that stands for

World Trade Center. It's a building that was brought down by Middle Eastern people, clumping them all together for the sake of that joke. But thank you so tower too soon. I love it. Do you, what's your favorite part about Islam? Islam. Well, you know, I think it's an all right system. Somebody call the police immediately. All right system. Just generally, you know, just be nice to people, treat them how you want to be treated. I mean, it's just like a system. They get people on board because like, this is the absolute truth. And they're like, okay. And that is, are we in danger by listening? Like, could us follow what happened because we listened to you? Yeah, are you serious? I'm sorry. You're really fucking intense.

You're really fucking intense, man. Yeah, what's the not what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? Yeah, not is. Yeah. You know what? I don't know. I went I went to a grocery store and I stole candy bar once. Wow. What kind of candy bar was butter fingers? What butter fingers? Oh, butter fingers. That's that's too candy. That's plural. Yeah, there was multiple in there. You said butter fingers. How many butter fingers did you take? Like if it was Kit Kat's, that could be one unit. No, Kit Kat is also singular. Well, I think I'm being all Brett Erickson about your English Kit Kat bar. I think you could still say Kit Kat's because I think this one you could say butter fingers too if you stole two, but it's still a Kit Kat bar bar singular. Okay, red band.

It's in the fucking Torah or whatever the Muslims read. You can't say Quran or they murder you, right? What did you have to do like when when Christians, when good people, I mean when Christians when Christians commit like a sin, like stealing butter fingers, they have to do like 10 butter fingers or something like that. What did you have to do? Did they make you do like a what I'm good, a beheading or something like that or shut up, edit that out the fuck up. Edit it out, red band. Seriously. You know what? Thank Christ we're faced towards Mecca or we'd all burn in some hell. It's pretty good because Islam has got a system where if you go to Hajj, you're good. Like everything's your race. For any

Muslims listening, I think it is the greatest religion. Yeah. No religion will be better ever. If you do a spelling bee, I can spell Hajj and I bet no one else here can. Okay, let's do how many you think we should do a spelling bee right now? Spelling the word Hajj. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Doug Stanhope. H. You have to say the word and then you have to start spelling. The word is Hajj. It means a pilgrimage to the home place. Mecca. Yes. H as in Apple. A as in Hajj. J as in I gotta jet the fuck out of here. Is that the correct spelling? No. Wow. Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, no. Oh, no. Don't poke yourself with that. Oh my goodness. Be careful. This was a gift from Alec Baldwin. Oh, he activated

the back lights again. I'll leave. My goodness. Well, Yaseen. Am I saying that right? Yaseen. That's right. Yaseen Meke. This is your first time ever doing stand up. This is something you've always wanted to do, right? Yeah, I love comedy. So, you know, congratulations. Welcome to the force of stand up comedy. There he goes. Yaseen Meke with another joke book. There he goes. Another one. Hey, is it just HHA? Yaseen, how do you spell it? Thank you. Oh, he's coming back. H-A-J-J. Two J's? She lied to me. Whoa. That's a tricky one. I don't like that at all. That is not fair. All right. This is good. We've not had a, this is our first female comedian of the night. Make some noise for Ellen Evans, everybody. Ellen Evans. Very, very exciting. Here she comes, everybody.

Make some noise for Ellen Evans, everyone. Austin, hello. I love this city. As soon as I got out of my car, I got bit by a mosquito. That's awesome. I wonder if God would ever come out of heaven one day and say, it's pronounced Jod. I would be like, oh, my Jod. My Google home came out as hey and okay the other day, and I just want okay to know that I support hey, no matter what. Do you ever do your dogs dirty by giving them really dumb voices? Like they're looking at you, they want to get fed, but then you're like, you got to do the voice. But then it's you, and you're like, grew me to food. I think that we could solve a lot of daddy issues with daddy complaint boxes. People always get caught doing true times. That's why I do fake crimes.

I'm scared of fish, which is why I'm just bi-curious. Thank you. That's my time. All right. Ellen Evans. Hell yeah. Ellen, how long even do I stand up? It's my first time ever. Wow, her first time ever. Hell yeah. That is incredible. It is just, this show is incredible. Her first time ever, she's already as funny as Amy Schumer. It's just absolutely incredible. She's my idol. I love her. What a real pool of talent we're finding here tonight. Ellen, you're here, you're doing it your first time ever. What made you choose here now today? My husband really liked the show and we were coming to Texas. When you say liked the show, he put it on and I was like, okay, what is this? But then over time, I got into it too,

but he's been watching it, podcasting it in the background while doing work. Pretty much since like the beginning of this year. So I've been learning it, picking it up when we decided to go to a show and it was like now or never. So here we are. Where are you guys from? Oklahoma City. Oklahoma City. So you made a trip down here for this? Yes. I wanted to go see a concert by a guy named Orville Peck tomorrow. But you got a what tomorrow? A concert. A concert. I think of that Stubbs barbecue place. His name is Orville Peck. He's a cowboy, beautiful, soulful guy. I love him a lot. So we're going to go see that tomorrow. Okay. And then we wanted to go see the show tonight.

Right. Here we are. Very cool. And your boyfriend who has been listening to the podcast, did you sign up as well? Yeah, he did. Uh-huh. He's over at the bar. Yeah. He has a minute. Really? And has he ever done stand up before? Wow. What's his name? Logan. How many do you think we should get Logan up here? Ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut, you stay up here, okay? Okay. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Logan, everybody. Here we go. He's a girlfriend, boyfriend. They're on a road trip. Hell yeah. Make some noise for Logan, everyone. Thank you. Once you pop your cherry, your orange is right around the corner. My wife and I decided on a vasectomy. I'm getting a princess cut.

Oh yeah. What motherfucker named William decided to call pool billiards? If it were up to Tony, they would be called Tony Yertz and Tony sells green beans to children. And Red Band eats them all. That was my only other. Okay. Wow. Ellen. All right. Logan. Are you Logan Evans? You guys are married. Yeah. Well, not only are you married, but you're also twins. Very rare. Very rare. Very rare. You guys are both into people that look like you. Very good. You guys obviously. Very, thank you. Very good, Logan. Logan, has anyone ever told you that you look like all the characters in the office smushed together? Yeah. I'll take it. Smushed together. Yeah. Duncan Trestle, what do you think about

this situation? I have to ask. And I apologize for not knowing. I love you, Duncan. I love you back. How, how, how, how me understand once you pop a cherry, the orange is around the corner. I didn't, I didn't get it either. I don't think everyone laughed. I don't think anybody got it, but for some reason I found it to be hysterical and frightening. That joke killed and I was fucking lost. Yeah. It was her joke. She said taking credit for it. Wait, what do you mean? We decided a long time ago it was my joke. You didn't think it was funny. Wow. You two have been married a while, huh? Yeah. How long have you two been married? We've been dating since high school, married at like 20. Wow. Wow. And now you guys are in your 50s and really regretting.

No, I love it. How long is that? How long have you been? Like five years. Five years. You guys are in your mid 20s. You're stuck out in Oklahoma City. What are you guys doing for work out there? You guys working at the same lens crafters or what are we talking about here? He's fucking dorks. I own a small cybersecurity company. Wow. Look at you. Look at you. Antivirus meets HPV over here. I love it. The rare antivirus. Orange, you glad he didn't say herpes. And how about your little sweetheart over here? What does she do for work? What does Ellen do for a living? I actually don't have a job. I get to be a housewife and help my grandparents clean

their house. Wow. What do you do at the house exactly? I cook. I clean. Literally, he does like absolutely nothing of that. His job is to just work. Wow. Red band. That sound means the red band thinks you're on only fans. Is there any truth to this? No. No, I'm not. No, thank you. Most girls that keep a hand sanitizer floating off of their fanny pack. Do you want some? That's why Kiki Beach coconut. Wow. Now, I'm good. Seeing where that's hanging on, my guess is that it doesn't smell like just coconut. Is this salmon coconut? She's laughing. You guys should be laughing. If she's laughing at that, you guys should definitely be. Have you ever tasted your own cum? Say that one more time. One more time. Have you ever tasted your own cum? My? Oh, yeah. Very good. Maybe she's laughing

because it tasted like salmon and it was, I'm laughing because it's true, she says. Wow. Sierra housewife, no kids though. So what do you do to earn that? I'm very confused. What is the deal? Limitless blowjobs, correct? Logan's giving the international. He was very thin, by the way, the signal. Never really seen one. That diameter. For those of you listening to the podcast, it was about a dime size blowjob that we're talking about. He himself, throwing himself under the tiny penis bus. The old short bus, if you will. We used to live out in Colorado where the cost of living was a lot higher. So I did work. I worked for Dell at the time and I did a lot of security contracts. What do you mean she can't talk? Wait, what? I used to work for them. I used to work for them.

And I just did a lot of like security things for them. But yeah, ever since we moved back to Oklahoma, we just kind of, it's been cheaper, so haven't had to work. Okay, wait, I'm sorry. Yeah. Did you notice how he tried to make her stop talking? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Okay, wait, wait, no. You, I don't know what y'all are doing, but it's bad. Like you're a, these are hackers. Right. You see like, no, no. What did you do? Like, why, why were you trying to make her not say that? Yeah, you don't, you don't want to talk about that stuff. You get, you get fired. No doubt about it. They're in the CIA. It's, it's cyber security stuff. Yeah, yeah. People protect their air conditioning units. What if it was hot in here? Everybody'd be pissed because hackers got

in, right? You guys ever do anything fun for Halloween? You ever go as like the myth busters or anything like that? Jay and Silent Bob. Because you wouldn't have to do much if you wanted to do that for Halloween. Pretty much just walk outside and say, happy Halloween. Y'all wear the myth busters. Tony, Tony. Yeah, go right ahead. Duncan Trussell has a question. I love your tattoo does flip it over. What does it mean? The one with a hand? It's a Jacob's ladder. It's like a man's connection to the heavens and stuff. Yeah. And I got into Hinduism because of you, like, so I got the home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You literally got into Hinduism because of the man that you

coincidentally had no idea that was going to be here. Exactly. Completely unpromoted. Now he's sitting right next to you. And that actually happened. Coincidence. Yes. Well, or someone say coincidence. Exactly. It's not one. May I ask you in the, in your home? What's that in your home? The Buddha. Wow, cool. Thank you. See a real Hindu? No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't, I got into it for a bit. I don't know, man. Did you say Hindu it? You got into it for a bit? I got, no, I got, I was a Hindu. Yeah. Makes sense. I can't wait for you to go home. This is incredible. I love Kill Tony fans and couples getting to do this. When Ellen Evans came up here, I thought she was lost in here to fucking protest a Rogan show or something like that.

Well, you did introduce her as the first female comedian of the night, but you didn't introduce her husband as the fifth male comedian. Yeah. That is true. We can't get enough of it. Anything else crazy? How do you go? Any crazy moves in the, in the bedroom? We want to know what type of, if you nerds are having, you nerds have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? We looked at each other. You ever hack her security or whatever? You ever fucking breach her database? Because you know, I use, for these things, we use a VPN, expressvpn.com. Oh, I love expressvpn.com. Do you guys have ExpressVPN? Use offer code Duncan. Offer code Duncan. No, no, no. Use the code kill Tony. We have to put that in.

I like express that in. Tony, Tony, I use expressvpn when I'm hacking someone's security on a helix mattress. Waiting for Blue Apron to come. Anything else? You can find a good delivery driver if you go to Zip Recruiters. Offer code Duncan for that too. Pretty much anything he's advertising. Do offer code Duncan. No advertising. We're just talking out of turn. Go ahead. Indeed. I'm going to cure this hangover with some liquid IV for sure. Good, good. Promo code Tony. Yes, skylight frames for those of you that miss your family and want to send pictures into a picture frame, you can do that with skylight frames slash kill Tony. After this, are we going

to go to the W hotel? Yeah, the W hotel where you can save 25% off. I feel like we're missing something. Promo code Ellen. What we're missing is Squarespace. It's an incredible website. You two are Squarespace squared. I'm a Squarespace squared joke. I don't know if you have that. I can't, I can't promote expressvpn on my podcast because we promote child porn. That's why you need it. Red Band said that's why you need it. And he would know. I didn't think that joke through. It was, yeah, it didn't work.

It's good. Yeah, Michael Yeo has a question. Logan, what did you think of Ellen's performance? She did wonderful. I loved it. Ellen, Ellen, what did you think about Logan's performance? I told him not to do the green bean thing. Yeah. And then he still did the green bean thing. Ellen might be the brains of this operation. While this guy's out working and providing every single dime that comes into their household, she is resting up and thinking about the future. She has a very clear head on her. Sometimes that's important. You should listen to her more often. Speaking of which, Logan, what the fuck do you mean I sell green beans to children? And second of all, why would

Red Band eat that? We all know clearly he'd never eat green beans. Like if it was candy, that would make sense. But why would Red Band eat green beans? I would even think that I would sell green beans to children before Red Band would eat green beans. I don't know. It was a bad joke. I'm sorry, Tony. But why? What was it supposed to mean? Why would I sell green beans to children? You guys left at the orange around the corner. I don't know. Sometimes it works. Which proves he did the orange joke. He's like these people love food jokes right now. We got to do that. In defense of his wife, she came up and kind of tanked. It's hard to hear up here because of the echoes. But you kind of tanked and then you did your opening

two jokes, and they didn't make any sense. And that's the disparity between men and women in comedy. He says one thing with confidence and it kills. And she's going, my shit made sense and it died. So true. Such a great observation. But this was historical. I'm glad you guys were here to metaphorically pop your cherry on tonight's show. Both of you, your first time doing stand-up, which does mean that the orange is right around the corner or something like that. I believe that's how the saying goes. There they go. Ellen Evans and Logan Evans, everybody, visiting from Oklahoma City. How cool. Well, there's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. And it is with the longest standing regular in the show's entire history. This guy's been opening

for me, for Joe Rogan. He's been all over the road with me as of late. We're going to Phoenix this weekend together. He's an absolute monster. We're watching him headline all around the country. You know him. You love him. He's the big red machine William Montgomery, everybody. The real guy himself. Kill Tony legend, William lights out Montgomery. I'm excited to be performing in front of my comedy idols tonight. Jordan Peele. Mark Zuckerberg has announced that they've enhanced kissing in the metaverse and now they have a device that actually stimulates your lips and tongue in real life. Mark, what about my asshole? The other night I was watching the NFL draft and couldn't help but be reminded of Vietnam.

I was just hoping that'd be funny because they're both drafts involved with that. That's how I was thinking about that one. The religious nuts in America are totally out of control. All I hear about on the news is Hunter Biden's lap dance this, Hunter Biden's lap dance that. I can assure you he's not the first guy to get a lap dance and he won't be the last. It's a laptop, not lap dance. I thought that one was going to go better. Mark Zuckerberg has announced that they've enhanced kissing in the metaverse. Now they have a device that actually stimulates your lips and tongue in real life. Mark, it's called a flashlight, you dumbass. Okay, that's all I got.

Wow, showing us all exactly how it's done with insane surgical precision. This is William Montgomery, completely overqualified for the position. Somehow figures out a way to put a ribbon on every single episode of the show. He is indeed a wild man. We've been traveling all around the country together. Have you been enjoying that, William? I am. I actually have some really big news. I got the call back from Kirkland Signature. I'm about to be sponsored. Whoa. A two-year $400,000 deal. Two years, $400,000. That's $200,000 per year. Yes. I'm going to be on their commercials. You're going to do their commercials and you have to wear that shirt? I have to wear the shirt everywhere now. Wow. How many of those did they give you? I have 10 of them in my closet right now.

Wow. Did they give you other Kirkland Signature products? For those of you that don't know, Kirkland Signature is a very famous generic brand that prides itself on being this. I've got to say this. They make the best flesh lights. You've tried those before? They're incredible. It's off-brand, so it's Thing Lights. Thing Lights. You put your thing in it. Dang his copy, right? But yes, so excited to be here. It was good news getting that. I was actually driving. I met some man on the side of the road last Tuesday and we drove out in the country. Yeah, then what'd you do? And then I fucking killed him. Wow. William is admitting to murder right here, right now, live on this show. This is a podcast

exclusive. Yeah, he was talking way too much. I tried to befriend him. I picked him up outside of the Salvation Army place right down the street. And where did he say he wanted to go exactly? He said he wanted to go to McDonald's and I was just thinking at the entire time of my fucking head, dude, you're not going to the McDonald's. You're going to heaven tonight. I'm going to send you to fucking heaven tonight. Wait, wait, wait. If McDonald's isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven. Yeah, I know. I agree. I love McDonald's. What's your favorite thing at McDonald's? My favorite thing at McDonald's?

Shut the fuck up. Fuck you, man. No, you know, I got nervous because I feel like this is what you were saying to the guy in the car before you killed him. I pretty much was shut the fuck up. It was just that a couple of times. What was he talking about when you were telling him to shut up and when you decided to murder him? Was there a specific topic? It was weird. He was talking about Lincoln Logs. He was talking about tinker toys. He was a whole bunch of bullshit about tinker toys. I haven't even thought about tinker toys in years. And he's fucking talking my head off about that. And then I slowly unsheathed my knife. Did I carry by my left leg? Yeah, I unsheathed it and I put

it up by his fucking neck and I said, are you ready to go to heaven, you bitch? Were you driving the car while this was happening? Yeah, with my left hand and I got it out of the sheath with my right hand. On your left side? On my left thigh, I was driving with my left hand, got it out with my right hand, the knife, but the knife sheath was around my left thigh. And then so show us. So you're driving with your left hand and then you pull it off with your right hand. So I'm driving with my left hand. Make sense. Show us. I'm driving with my left hand. Pretend like you're sitting and driving, William. So I am. It's got one of these new stamping Toyota. Pretend you're on the stand at the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial and then show us. So I was driving like this with my

left hand. I get the knife. It was down around here. Get the knife out. Slowly put it. That's distracted driving. What speed are you driving? Like 65, 70. I'm flying down this dirt road. It's a dirt road. Lights off. I don't have the fucking lights on. Just flying down this road. Were you texting at the same time? Yeah, I was texting. With my left hand. Wow. This is so dangerous. I'm driving with my left hand. I'm texting with my left hand. I have the knife in my right hand. And you have this fucking idiot sitting right beside me. So you're driving 65, 70 miles an hour with your left hand while texting with your left hand. Knife in your right hand. You pull it out. What does he say then? Sidebar, your

honor. Say that he was steering for you while you were getting the knife. His hands were in handcuffs. I had already had him handcuffed. There was no way he was fucking getting out of that seat. He was tied to the seat. He was handcuffed to the seat. He was handcuffed so his hands were behind him and were around the seat? Correct. Oh my god. Yeah, it was weird. What part of the trip did you handcuff him to the seat? Because you really skipped over that part. Was that pre-McDonald's or post-McDonald's? We didn't go to McDonald's. Oh, you never even stopped? We never even fucking stopped at McDonald's. Here's your honor. Wow, you're looking at this guy like you want to murder him now, William. What's up with that? Yeah, what are you doing here?

Do you know that guy? Yeah. We all know that guy. Michael, what are you doing here? You said you weren't going to fucking come to these shows. Why'd you come? Michael, that was a bitch move. Yes, seriously, we had talked about it. Why'd you show up, Michael? Gonna cause a problem again? To watch, he said. Literally, the most Hans Kim answer he could give right then. Why did I show up to watch? Wow. Incredible. What would you do to this guy if he asked you for a ride to McDonald's? Tell me. I would tie his fucking hands so tight, his fingers would start turning blue immediately. All right, is this going to turn into one of those marriage proposal things? Gender reveal. Yeah, to have his hands tied really tight behind

his back. I would put him in an outfit. I keep some different outfits in the back of my car. I would put him in a sweet outfit, maybe some blue jeans. I have some cowboy boots and a little cowboy hat. I think you'd look sweet in that kind of get up. Maybe a button. I have to stop you for the first time ever. I'm not suited up on stage. I usually wear a suit. I'm wearing pajama pants. And if you keep talking to that gentleman like that, I'm going to have an erection. And I won't be able to leave the stage until my erection goes away, but keep going. I'd probably put him in one of those button up shirts, maybe have the buttons undone. Oh, this is very sexual with this guy. I'd be looking over at him, tipping his cowboy hat every now and again. Just saying,

thanks so much. John Wayne Gacy energy is happening right now. This is incredible. We're finding out that he's kind of gay. Who is? This seems kind of gay. Why are you stopping? Me? Me? This also sounds kind of gay. Yeah, well, it's not. Well, it's not. Okay, well, tell us more. Well, well, let's get it on plays behind you slowly. Tell us more about what you would do to this guy. I'd probably slowly take his pants off. Oh, wow. Yeah, this is as straight as it gets. You want to kiss him in some little whitey tidies. Oh, so you dress you're completely redressing him is what you're saying. Yeah, I would have already dressed him in a not gay way. Yeah, not at all. A button up shirt wide open, tidy whitey's and then what? And then I don't know. Maybe we kiss a

little bit and then I'd get out the fucking knife. Oh, I finished in my pants. Oh, and then what do you do with the knife, William? I'd fucking cut his goddamn throat. Wow. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. It feels it feels it feels a little bit real tonight. I know I was thinking this has turned a little strange. A comedy show to a confession real quick. Yeah, I was thinking I went a weird way tonight. So I greatly want to apologize to you all about that. Make Michael apologize for showing up. Yeah, come on, Michael. It's his fault. He was asking for it, by the way. Yeah, I mean, it was going pretty. I felt like the sound was going pretty good. And then I looked at and saw you, Michael, you know, we met on that chat line five years ago and I told you,

are you really a homosexual? Okay, I'm just asking. Oh, this one got weird. I know it. This one got kind of weird. I think you did great, William. Anything else crazy you want to talk about before we go? I had this dream last night where I was at a Kill Tony and the guys from Workahawks were the guys which are so random. I remember these little details in a bug bit me and then I started getting all these bumps all over my body. And I was pulling on the bumps and it was these long bugs with wings. And I was freaking out about that and then it was all over my fucking face and then the back of my head started peeling off. It was horrible. I was happy to wake up that literally I dreamed that last night. I don't know

what it is. I don't know why I did. Yeah, it was horrible though. We could have talked about that after the show. It was weird. This is the part where we talk about your dreams. Yeah, it was a weird one. I was very happy to wake up. I mean, it was it was horrible. William, I love you so much. You end this show every single week with such grace and class and well, wait, was that one of the winks that we just saw? Did you just wink? It was. There it is. You winked at you? You're still on the dream. I hope not. I'm sorry. I hope not. I hope I'm not still in the fucking dream. No, it's not. Make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody. Music at the band club.

I have missed most of the comics looking at the back of Tony's head like this. And I've seen the back of your head too many times. Sorry about that, Doug. Are we have music out? Yeah, there it is. Very good, red band. I was going to ask you. Better at his job every week. I do have new stuff written on my hand. Yeah, what is that? Do you want to do you want to get one comic to make that make sense out of that? Label trigger rape. Yeah, is that your set list? No, it's a new joke I wrote down today when I was getting drunk early going. I'll probably miss kill Tony because I'll be drunk. Here I am. He made it, everybody. Doug Stanhope was here tonight. Guys, make some fucking noise for Doug Stanhope. Close it out. Close it out.

He's on tour. Get tickets. He's closed this out. One of the best stand-ups in the world, everybody. Michael Yoh has a new special out, youtube.com slash Michael Yoh comedy. He's going to be here at Vulcan Gas Company, August 12th and 13th. How about a hand for the great Duncan Trestle, everybody. Midnight gospel on Netflix. Of course, the Duncan Trestle family hour and DuncanTrestle.com for tour tickets for him. So much fun, y'all. How about one more time for the band? The screwball peanut butter whiskey Hill Tony band. Matt Mueling on guitar. Michael Gonzalez on drums. John Dees on the keys. And the great D madness on bass guitar, everybody. Love you guys. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you so much.

Thank you.