KILL TONY - #559 - GARY CLARK JR

Episode Date: May 28, 2022

Gary Clark Jr, William Montgomery, Eliis Aych, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/09/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

How about a day on Monday night of your lives or what? Fuck yeah! How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? Hi, everybody! It's here, my partner in crime. And guys, how about a hand for the band, huh? This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. And that is the Kill Tony band, brought to you by a delicious screwball peanut butter

whiskey. This is from Michael Gonzalez on the drums. That's John Dees on the keys. This is Matt Mueling on guitar. And that's my good friend D-Madness on the bass right there. A lot of fun stuff happening. Brought to you by Red Bull. And of course, the W Hotel.

We're now using the promo code Kill Tony. You can save 25% on a Sunday or Monday night. So do that. Stay at the W. Fun times. Here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all! Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliffe here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up

comedy. Lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me all around the country. We're back at it. Salt Lake City, May 20th and 21st. Buffalo, June 10th and 11th. Atlantic City, New Jersey, June 24th and 25th. Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th. Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th and the 30th.

Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August and August 26th and 27th. San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return. September 29th, 30th and October 1st. Excited to get back to Nashville, San Antonio. Dallas, Houston, Tampa, Atlantic City and Buffalo. And of course, Salt Lake City, the home of my favorite religion. All very soon.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Wow, wow, wow. You guys are in for a special... Oh, wait a second, how could I forget to mention this is one of the rare times in which the great Ryan J. E. Belt is here. The official artist of the show since its inception. Every single tour poster, every single print, every single episode he draws all the way from Los Angeles, California.

He's originally a Texan and he's back. Speaking of a Texan, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, an icon here in Austin, Texas and around the world. One of my coolest friends, one of my best friends, one of my favorite musicians, Austin's own Gary Clark Jr. Wow. What? Where are we on a Monday?

Oh, wow. Oh. Wow. Wow. Doesn't get much cooler than this, people. The great, the powerful Gary Clark Jr. is here, everybody. I don't know what I'm doing here either, people. It's kind of strange, right?

It's a pleasure, though. Gary gets it. He's a fucking comedy fan. He's a big Kill Tony fan. He's been following this show forever. He's gonna have fun and you guys know how it works. Gary knows how it works. I pull a bunch of names out of a bucket.

They do 60 seconds on the stage. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to bring it up, wrap it up then, or else they're gonna bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which basically is just loud and it interrupts their set because they can't go any longer because they have to do a minute of stand-up comedy and then I interview them afterwards and we find out more about them.

It's a big live, crazy, improvised talent show. You guys get it? How about you and the balcony? Do you guys understand what's happening here? So, to start tonight's show, instead of pulling a name out of the bucket to start it, we like to start it with somebody who's ultra-consistent, who comes out and sets a goddamn standard for how it's done.

Oh, by the way, how could I forget? This is very special. This is the one-year anniversary episode since my cancellation, everybody, so thank you. Thank you very much. Which is a good time for me to remind everybody that the comedian going up first tonight with a brand new minute, one of my favorite human beings in the world,

once I came back here from being canceled, I made him a regular on the show. So now he's rich. He performs in arenas regularly with Joe Rogan. Ladies and gentlemen, the dreams that can't come true, brought to you by the great Hans Kim everyone. Hey, I love it here in Austin

because I never know if I'm going to be performing for retards or faggots. Yeah, a bunch of retards tonight. My favorite are retarded faggots. They get offended over everything. Love it here in Austin. It's the only city where you can see pickup trucks and roundabouts. You can see they'd be like, what the hell am I in, god damn it?

I'm in a circle. What is this, communism? I wish that we hadn't built the wall. Now we're going to have to climb over that shit every time we want an abortion. God damn. God damn Mexicans. I have a girlfriend now

and she's fucking me on a regular basis. Thank you. She told me that I'm the best man she's ever been with, but the two people she dated before me were women, so it's good to be third best, at least. You know, I'm not going to be a third best. It's good to be third best, at least. You know, I'm the men's featherweight champion of Rachel's pussy.

Thank you. There it is, a minute, 20 seconds. We kept the bear away from you on that one. Hans Kim coming in here, proving that Asians can say any words that they want right now. Just coming out guns ablaze in with the R word and the F word. It is indeed Asian Heritage Month and you get to do whatever you want.

Happy Asian Heritage Month, everybody. It's the month of May. I'll never forget that one again. That is it. This is the true one-year anniversary episode. I love it. Hans, your life has changed in the past year. Tell us about it.

I'm performing for Joe Rogan. I have a lot of money. I moved out of the van. I get sex regularly. I would recommend it to anyone, really. Absolutely. What else has been going on since the last time we saw you? How about the past week, Hans?

This past week, I bought a little gun, a Shadow System MR920L. I also bought a bidet. Wow. Did you get these from the same place? No. It's a dangerous bidet. Yeah, it's a great bidet.

It's a little strong, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Oh, you will. What made you want to get a bidet? It's more efficient. I don't have to do manual labor now. Is it a button? Does it do it automatically? It's a little dial.

Is it a touchy? No. Sorry. Where'd you get this from? It's a sponsor. Amazon, the enemy. Is there a reason in particular? Did your girlfriend say something to you?

Did you notice something about her, perhaps? No, it's just like I wanted to treat myself after doing the arena in Denver. Yes. What man who performs in arena wipes his ass with toilet paper? You are correct. I like that.

That makes sense. Very, very fun. You've been using it, and it brings you joy. Yes. How about the gun? What are you doing with this gun, exactly, Hans? I'm just checking the trigger. Perfect.

Yes. Gun Safety 101 tells you to just check the trigger any chance you get. The old school of Alec Baldwin. Check the trigger. Holy shit. This is a fucking ticking time bomb here, Hans. What made you get that gun in particular?

I think it's a cool thing to have. If I was in the medieval ages, I'd have a sword, and now it's 2022, I have a gun. I can shoot people now. I don't know this gun, Tony. Do you know what the gun is, or what's it look like? Is it a smaller gun? Yeah.

Well, how big is your gun? It's like a clone of a Glock 19. Okay. No, it's American-made. Hell yeah. Okay, Hans, and your love life is good? Yes. We're having amazing sex.

I thought you were about to say we're having a baby. That was close. Good lord. Any pregnancy scares? No, we use a condom pretty regularly. When you say pretty regularly, what are we talking about? 80%, 50%, 95?

100. Whoa. Okay, well then that's totally regularly. Pretty regularly would be less than 100. I can't believe I'm explaining stats to the Asian guy. I mean, this is crazy. This really is 2022. The times are changing, folks.

The white man is telling the Asian guy about stats and guns and shit. All right. I love it. So amazing sex. What does that mean to you? What exactly is amazing sex to a guy like you? You guys doing Sudoku's in the bedroom or something like that? I've been rubbing her pussy with my hand a lot.

Whoa. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. What the fuck? It's like middle school talk right there. That doesn't sound comfortable at all. We did find out last week that you do a weird thing. I asked you what your fourth favorite body part on a female is,

and you said the navel. Then you described how you enjoy rubbing a girl's belly button. Yeah. I think he said pushing it back in. Didn't you say? Yeah. I mean, it's a very beautiful part of a woman. So interesting, right?

Yeah. They have a higher body fat, so it's like softer than a man. How do you know this? Just science. You ever rub the belly button while doing other things to a girl? You ever give her the old shocker, the old one in the belly button, two in the smelly button? Stupid.

I can't believe this is what I do for a living. It's unbelievably stupid. She likes to spoon me, which is weird, because usually it's all the way around, but she likes to cuddle my butt. Wow. Do you have a reasonable butt back there? She likes it.

I don't know why. I think her ass is way better, but I think my ass is kind of flat. That means she's gassy. Red band. What are you talking about? Interesting. Do you do anything to increase your butt size? Do you do squats or anything like that?

You work out? I have a kettlebell. You have a single kettlebell? Yeah. Hell yeah. What's the weight of this single kettlebell that you have? 35 pounds. Whoa.

That's a pretty big one. Okay. You ever think about getting a second 35-pound kettlebell and getting fucking jacked? I'm having trouble with just one right now. Very, very interesting. All right, Hans. Well, you did it again.

Another absolute killer minute with a bonus 22nd edition there. All new material. It's absolutely incredible. Your work ethic is absolutely insane, and you're pushing everybody to the moon. We love you. Way to start get the show started for us. It's Hans.

Thank you, Tony. We see him every week. A brand new minute every single week. The regulars on the show are absolutely killing, but now we go to the bucket. This is where shit gets a little bit more wild because we're about to meet someone we'd probably never met before.

I might try that belly button shit. Huh? I might try that belly button shit when I go home. Hans is teaching Gary how to manipulate the belly button during romance. Appreciate you, bro. You might have to write a song about that or something. I'm in love with your belly button.

Stink finger. Go for it. Make some noise for your first bucket pool tonight. His name is Steven Farmer, everybody. Here we go. Here he comes. I do believe it's his first time on Kill Tony. Make some noise for Steven Farmer, everyone.

All right. Well, I hope you like me. But if not, that's cool. At least you got to see what it would look like of Tony Oxel real estate, so... We got that going for us. I like the shirts that people wear at the gym, like little goofy sayings on them.

Like, is that what the women wear? Like, the weird stuff's like squats. I thought you said shots. I don't sweat. I sparkle. I can't run. I'm a mermaid. No pain, no champagne.

We'll run for chocolate, like all that kind of stuff. And then, like, dudes wear the most angry stuff of all time. It's like, call 911. Your max is my warm-up. I hit the gym so I don't hit my wife. Is it that call 911 shirt was about? That's it. All right.

56 seconds from Steven Farmer. Hi, Steven. How are you? Great. How are you? Good. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. I love it. I love it. And how long have you been

Donald Trump's campaign manager? That's incredible. I love your look. How long have you been a lawyer for the Slytherin? I know there's more coming. This is wild. Look at you. What do you do for work?

Personal trainer. Personal trainer. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at that. You dress like a smart guy, but really underneath it's just... Have you ever worked with anybody that only has one 35-pound kettlebell?

What would you recommend to Hans to increase his butt size? What would you do to him? You're a personal trainer? I would say goblin squats with the 35-pound kettlebell. Goblin squats? Yeah.

Can you show us exactly what a goblin squat is? You hold it like this, and then you squat. Can you do it without Tom coming out of your ass? Is that possible? Oh, we're getting warmed up

here a little bit, folks. We're just hitting the bag a little bit. You timed that perfectly. You were in full squat when I made the come-out of your ass jokes. You went too far to...

Your timing was perfect. It's all about timing, you know? I love it. Absolutely. So how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About 12 years. Shut the fuck up.

What? Stephen. Stephen, stop it. No, you haven't. Yeah. What? What? 12 years.

No. No, Stephen. No. No, you're kidding. That's one of your big jokes. Where have you been doing it for 12 years? Austin, Texas?

Hold on. Okay. All right. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, when Red Band hits that, there's barely anything anybody can do to bring it back,

Stephen. 12 years. Now, what... Wow. Okay, what's the best thing that you've done in 12 years of stand-up comedy? What's like the highlight

of your career? Just, like, featured at comedy clubs. That's it. Okay. Who's your favorite person that you featured for? Probably Greg Warren.

I mean, no, I actually opened... Yeah. Oh, my God. Wait, was that not a good minute? Was that not... Yeah. Oh, they like it. Okay.

All right. He's asking. He's asking. It was like, I was like, I thought I did well. Was that not good for you? It was good. It was good.

It was good. You know, I celebrated my 15-year anniversary. This past Saturday, Saturday night, 15 years as a stand-up comedian for me. And...

So, I've been doing it only three years longer than you. Oh, yeah. No, no. Perfect. Yeah. Okay, perfect. Good.

Then, yeah, sorry. Yeah. Well, also, how long have you been... Like, how many times a month do you do it? Uh, I mean, I do it, like, at least three times a week. Okay.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Okay. My goodness. I can't give a right answer. How long have you been a personal trainer for? Uh, exact same time.

I started both like the same time. Wow. Are you better at being a personal trainer or do you just have a bunch of fucking fat clients that just keep getting fat

or... That's what I think. When did you learn how to do that, Red Band? When did you learn how to make fun of yourself like that? He taught me.

I've been... I've been waiting a long time for you to do that. You know, you can do that any time. Oh, my God. Steven Farmer.

I love it. Your last name is Farmer. What do your parents do for work? Uh, my dad is a chiropractor. Wow. At least someone in your family can crack people up. Oh, I've activated the blood.

I've activated the back lights, everybody. It actually ended up... All right. How about mom? What does mama bear do? I don't want to get too sad about that. Oh, shit.

No, please hit us with it. Uh, she's been missing since 2005. Oh, shit. Wait, isn't that around the same time you started doing stand-up? Steven, this timeline

is not looking good. She left after your first joke? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Shut up. Shut up. Oh, this is not the show I thought I came to.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Happy Mother's Day. Uh, how... Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious. This is epic, Steven. I love this. You have a good sense of humor.

We could tell you're a professional. What do you like to do for fun, Steven? Uh, I got dogs. I got three dogs. Okay. How often do they run away? That's why I got them because I can actually keep them.

Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. They can't go anywhere. They can't go anywhere. Um, how about a girlfriend? Is it... Uh, I'd imagine... I'd imagine that knowing

a little bit about psychology that I know, that it must be hard to keep a relationship going if your mother is missing. I mean, yeah, it's... I don't have a relationship. So single.

When's the last time you were in a relationship? A serious one was like 2017. 2017. How long did that last for? Like three years. Three years? Alright, that's pretty good.

What happened? How did that end? Um, she was... She broke it up, which I thought was really mature, but it turned out she was seeing another guy, you know. Right.

Right. Personal trainer. No, he was like a fat guy. He was a what? He was like a fat guy. Oh, that's the worst. And she was a trainer herself, so I don't know.

Oh, wow. Very interesting. She wanted a little fix me up. Yeah. Damn. Alright. Let me ask you this. You're a personal trainer.

You have women as clients, right? You ever make a move on any of your people? They... No, because they're already going after you. It'd be weird if you did that. I think it's like creepy stuff.

So they're always going after you. They're already going after you. Yeah. And you don't like that. You don't like a girl that likes you. You don't like someone that you need to force yourself upon in order to... Well, I live in Round Rock,

so there's not a lot really happening. Whoa, Round Rock. Okay. It's starting to make sense now. Been doing 12 years of stand-up comedy in Round Rock. This is like basically like flying to L.A. for a tonight's show audition for you.

Yeah, pretty much. Making the long trip that you made here today. What kind of vehicle do you drive all the way from Round Rock? Honda Civic 2022 Sport. Whoa. Killing it.

I like that you threw in the sport there at the end. Your mom would be proud, Steven. Your mom would be proud. Oh, shut the fuck up. He's having fun. Look at him. Look at this guy.

Did she run away or is there something sketchy about it? Yeah. Where do you think your mom is? She's probably dead. Really? What makes you say that? Are you hiking or something?

She was a drug addict. Oh. And we lived in a small town in southeast Arkansas, so everybody knew about it. Okay. Yeah. And then an abusive ex-husband

who may have had something. We're not sure. We get all these rumors. Oh, no. So we went right around with my grandma and we paid the crack addicts to a... Oh, that's John. That's not even a red band.

That means John Deez is... Yeah. So we like pay like... Pop goes the weasel? Why is that? Why is that the missing mother song? I don't really understand. Oh, my goodness gracious.

This is wrong. Yeah. It's cold. It really is. It's cold case files here. I love it. So Stephen, what's a goal or a dream of yours?

To announce I do comedy and it doesn't seem pathetic. Red band, anything for Stephen? You know, I mean... Would you like to open up the secret show Thursday and do... Oh, look at that. 12-year comedy vet. You just got booked on a show on Thursday. You want to make it?

Yes. All right. Catch them on the secret show. There's Stephen Barmer. Here's a big joke book made by the great Bonsai, Adrian Cavazos here in Austin, Texas. Real Texas leather. Follow him on Instagram at Bonsai.

B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. You guys having fun out there yet? All right. I'm going to pull another name out of the bucket here. Heath Underhill is next on the show. Heath Underhill. This episode is already a roller coaster. One more time for Heath Underhill, everyone.

You guys like dad jokes? I don't give a shit. I'm doing them anyway. When I was a little kid, me and my dad were real close. We did everything together, played games together. Our favorite game to play was hide and seek. I've been it since 1994. Has anyone seen my dad?

Dad jokes. When I was a little kid, my dad would say, Heath, whenever you go to bed, take a shower, splash on a little cologne, comb your hair. You never know. You might meet the girl of your dreams. And I got to say, it really works. I've had so many wet dreams.

When I was nine, I had Santa Claus for the ability to suck my own dick. My dad hasn't dressed up like him since. Dad jokes. Heath Underhill. Welcome. How are you? Good.

You've been on this show before, right? No, sir. No? Well, welcome. How are you? I'm good. You look like if a myth buster ate the other myth buster. You're a myth buster and a belt buster.

This is incredible. Welcome to the show, Heath Underhill. I love that. What a cool name you have. Thank you. How old are you, Heath? 34. 34 years old.

How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. I love it. That's a good, reasonable answer. It's not a shocking and appalling answer. Three years. Nice.

Good job, Heath. What do you do for a living? I'm a traveling warehouse worker. A traveling warehouse worker. What? That's a job I've never heard of before. Explain that a little bit better. I just do warehouse work.

I work for a company that sends me to understaffed warehouses. Okay. They send you, huh? Yeah. Best and the brightest. What exactly are you doing? What exactly are you doing at these warehouses? It's manual labor.

It's manual labor. Like forklift? Yeah. Sort of, yeah. Looks like you've been pretty good at lifting a fork. Yeah. Yeah. Come on.

Come on. I love this. No, stop it. Stop it. Also a spoon lift worker. All right. Anyway, so you work at a warehouse? You live here in Austin?

No, I'm trying to move. I live in Tennessee right now. Okay. What part of Tennessee? Chattanooga area. All right. The old Chattanooga choo-choo, which is what you like to do to food. Likes to choo-choo it and then swallow it down.

You see that? Chattanooga choo-choo joke. The rare Chattanooga joke. Thank you, Red Band. So, Heath Underhill. What do you do for fun out in Chattanooga? I got a lot of different hobbies. I play video games.

Nice. I like to eat. Yes. I like to cook. Indeed. Absolutely. I tried gardening for a while. I didn't work there.

Gardening. Really interesting. Wow. What were you trying to grow? Food. That makes sense. Gary, you have a garden, right? Not anymore.

No. What happened? Gave up. Oh, no. That's what he did with his physical health. It's all the same. Oh, Red Band. And when Red Band hits the pig button,

you know you're fucked up, man. Okay, Heath, I love it. So much fun. And you traveled here to Austin. What have you done for fun in Texas so far? I just got here yesterday. So I just kind of woke up and drove here. I got a family about four hours away.

Okay, so they live in Round Rock too. Very cool. That's awesome. Four hours away. Which direction, four hours? East. Whoa. Houston?

That's rough. It's almost to El Paso, right? Well, not even. That's the best. It's even other way. Okay, shut up. El Paso. Shut up.

It's like, oh, my God. I'm so wrong. Oh, my God. Wow. That is dumber than I thought it was. Thank you. You guys are right. I was wrong on that one.

You only been here a little bit. You get it. I got four hours east. So like Corpus Christi. Oh, Ruckus again. Ruckus again. Houston. I got four hours east to here.

It was fucking Florida. So like La Porte, La Porte, Texas. Wait, Galveston. Nacodotus, Texas. Wait, what? Yeah. Nacodotus. What is it?

Nutrageous? Where are you from? All right. I do go up a lot in Tennessee. Yeah. I go up three or four times a week in Tennessee. Okay. And what's the scene like there?

What are you dealing with? Up there with musicians or is it all comedians? A lot of frogs. It's kind of a small scene, but everybody's pretty decent. You can't get up a whole lot. How about your love life? What are we talking about here? You got yourself a little fucking thickie with glasses?

Well. Well. Whoa. Got weird in here again. Okay. Okay. Welcome to the serious show, everybody. We were here for the one night where the audience was super serious.

Do you have a thickie with glasses? No. No, it's kind of slow right now. I love it. You on any dating sites or anything like that? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Farmers only? He said he was a gardener. Heath, do you have any special skills or talents? Anything that would surprise us about you? Perhaps you know how to yodel or yo-yo or anything that begins with yo or anything else? Actually, I can yo-yo pretty decent. Really? Yeah.

Do you have a yo-yo on you? Other pants. What's your greatest talent in the world? If I never said anything about the yo-yo, what would you have answered with? I mean, I can play a little music, but I'm not like. What kind of music can you play? I feel like you're looking at me. I feel like you'd be the guy to crush on American idols.

Yeah. Absolutely. No, I'm not that good. 100%. I can see it. We're the voice, really. You seem like more of a voice kind of guy where they spin around and they're like, yeah. Oh, shit.

Oh. This guy's not a star. He's a planet. Whoa. We have been given a yo-yo. This is the first in the history of the show. The great Yoni. Unbelievable.

What a world we live in. Should call him yo-yoni after that. Where the fuck did you get a yo-yo? That's incredible. The hardest part is getting it around his finger, ladies and gentlemen. That is his greatest trick. Whoa. Oh, shit.

Whoa. Whoa. Hell yeah. Walk the dog. Walk the dog. Wow. We just got word the last comedian's mother came back. That was so good.

That was so exciting. You're bringing people back together, Heath. Yoni, where the fuck did you get that yo-yo from? He has a mustache and suspenders. He has two yo-yos on him. That is incredible. That is absolutely incredible. That was in your bag, Yoni?

You keep a yo-yo in your bag at all times. Holy shit. I'm not surprised. Serial killer shit. Yoni is one of these people. I keep Yoni very close to me. A really, really, really good friend. Very, very close.

I once asked this guy, this is a true story. I'm like, Yoni, you don't have a fucking measuring tape, do you? And he literally goes, zzzzzzzzzzz like that, and he had a measuring tape. He's a weirdo. He carries this backpack that's just rock solid, always filled to the absolute brim. But the fact that you keep a single, lonely yo-yo in there,

just incredible. Absolutely wild. Yoni, do you know how to yo-yo? Really? Do you think you're better than him? Oh shit. He gave up the camera. Whoa.

Yoni's gonna yo-yo. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Here he is, our resident Jewish consigliere. You know him from his suspenders and the classic mustache. Whoa. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Wow. Oh my goodness.

Oh, look at the walk. Oh, he's gonna have an attitude for weeks after this. Look at this. This man just, a star is born, ladies and gentlemen. He has been waiting perhaps every episode of the show for me to ask anybody if they've ever yo-yod before. He approaches the stage with a yo-yo, plays the long game, doesn't make it about himself.

I fall right into the fucking trap and look at him. He is smiling ear to ear. I see he's operating the camera. It is shaking. Did you see when he, he goes, hold this, and he just holds the camera. Yeah. It was very bizarre.

He was walking to the stage before you finished asking. I mean, it's like, wow. It's like he just made that segment happen. Wow. Yoni, do you think you could do a better minute of stand-up comedy than him, too? No, he's not as excited by this at all. He's holding onto the camera.

Yoni just hid behind that camera deeply. I love it. Heath Underhill, congratulations. Very much fun. I love having all different types of people up here. I'm glad you had your first time here. This is super cool. All the way from Tennessee.

You signed up. You got up. How do you feel? I feel great. I always wanted to do this. Welcome to Austin. There you go. Appreciate it.

Welcome to Austin, Texas. The new comedy capital of the world, Heath. Heath. We're going to try to get Roseanne to move here. Do you know that, Gary? I heard she was moving. I love her. Roseanne was here last Wednesday.

She fucking killed harder than I've seen anybody kill in a very long time. And we are trying very hard to get her here to Austin, Texas. So be on the lookout for that. She's such a nice person, too. She's a sweetheart. Cold-blooded assassin. Your next comedian is Spencer Pogue.

Or Po-Gui. Or Po-Gay. Po-G. Spencer. Spencer Pogue. Ooh. Here he comes. One more time for Spencer, everybody.

I'm not blind. I'm blinded. When does the minute start? I already did, yeah. Okay, I started it. I only have just like one minute of battery life left, so I just need to keep her. Thank you.

Who here likes impressions? I have one. Here's old man Kanye West. That's a noise he makes. Here's old man Kid Cudi. Wait. There you go, Spencer. Prepared as much for his closer as he did his opener.

Spencer Pogue, welcome to the show, Spencer. How are you? How's it going, buddy? How are you? You okay? You're one of the funniest serial rapists we've ever had on this show. I'm a little scared, Sony. You've had a lot of them. This is wild. One glove, one cape. I mean, this is an interesting look.

Spencer, how's it going? It's going alright. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? What the fuck was that? What was that? It was everything you needed. Don't tell me 12 years, please. Don't say 12 years.

Three years. Maybe you're a little bit weird. It works at open mics, comedians like that, and you performed in front of a live audience and you got to see how that goes right now. That was my first minute. Right. Well, yeah, sure, but if you did five minutes,

would it have been like that times five? You see what I'm saying? Or perhaps if you did a 20-minute set, would you not have a minute of that, which it's sort of like... I just have to build up dramatic tension sometimes. Ah. Yes, bombing it's called. Yes, I know.

I know we've done this. It's like, you know, that's a part of it. You have to have one minute to have... I'm sorry, everyone. Oh, Spencer, it's okay. It's okay. And I hate being cultured with vegetables and I totally am not out of lettuce.

Wow, still bombing, folks. It's almost incredible. It is incredible. I love it. Spencer, what do you do for work? Right into the tip of that microphone. I do recently... I'll tell you. Recently, I...

Who told you you're funny? What? Who told you you're funny like three years ago when you're like, I'll start stand-up? Classmates or something? Weed. Weed told me I was not funny. Weed, alright. Solid object.

And then I was like, I was like following... Do you always wear a cape? I'm going to stop your ramblings. Now? Just when you go on stage? Yeah, just... And this is how long you've been doing the cape thing for? About three years, yeah. Oh my God, you've been doing it the whole time.

Oh my God, I thought maybe this was a new experiment or something like that. And you're like, fuck, I felt so stupid up there with my cape. I can't believe I wore a cape on Kill Tony. You know, you get that, like, sticky octopus. You can throw it against the wall and it's still fun, but people don't know you can just rinse it off with water.

And then it's... It's still a sticky octopus. I get what he's saying, but what the fuck are you talking about? Like... Are you on the spectrum at all? For real, seriously. I don't think this guy's got wifi whatsoever.

Well, that's spectrum. There's no connection going on up there. I think this guy's on dial-up, Red Band. You've got... Fucking unbelievable. Hell yeah. You hear that? That's a weird sound. That laughter thing, huh? The old rare, rare treats.

Spencer, what's the best set you've ever had? How did that go for you? Sorry, I'm just trying to get over it. This is the first time I ever put my phone in a bag. I know. Welcome to ball or shit. You finally did something. Are you okay in there? This is like the first time we've been apart.

It's like... Oh my goodness. I bet you kill at open mics, right? Uh, yeah. I remember open mics. People love people like this at open mics. I think this would translate like in TikTok. You know, like 15 seconds.

Yeah. Spencer, what's a redeeming quality? Spencer, over here. Everybody hates you. Tell us something about you that will make us all like you and want to keep you up here for more fruitful conversation. Give us something, anything at all.

So I'm married. Whoa! What? Oh my God. Sister or cousin. Oh, shit. Red band. Oh my goodness. Yes.

Spencer's pissed, dude. When he comes in here next week with a gun, you're going down first, bro. If you call me... I fucking love corn. Corn's delicious. Right. Totally. Nobody asks that question. And every shape and form... Corn's fantastic.

Are you really married, Spencer? I really am. How long have you been married for? About three years. Three years. You got married and immediately started doing stand-up comedy. Are you married to the game?

Okay, I did comedy... Yes and yes. Is she on stage with you right now? Yeah. Right. Where'd you meet this girl at? I was just a boy. I was a man.

Okay, I was a man. I was a legally aged man. And I met her at a international student meeting. Because one of my roommates was from Pakistan. So she's Pakistani? Are you making this up?

No, she's from Malaysia. Okay. She's Malaysian. She's Chinese. Whoa. Okidoki. Somehow that's the most racist thing I've ever heard in my entire life. When he went like that before. I mean, it's like...

You can't really talk about another race and go like that. I'm from Oklahoma, but I'm Swedish. Okay. I don't think I'm Swedish. You're bombing. Continuous bomber. Never ending.

You are basically Vladimir Putin. Innocent bystanders being taken down by your fucking continuous barrage. That looks like merit badges. That's what the sounds look like. That's amazing.

What? The sound effects is like a sticker pad. It's like a boom, boom clap noise. Wow. Fuck yeah. Everybody, if you're wondering what it's like out there on this circuit. And this is what good comedians

have to start around for years. You're surrounded by people like this. It's like, oh, Spencer and his cape. Does anybody have some water? Some water? Water. They absolutely do. In fact, I'm going to buy you a bottle. It's coming at you right over there. You can go get it. I've had enough of you.

Spencer Pogue, everybody. There he goes. There goes Spencer. Good day. I want whatever he's on after this. I'm scared, Tony. Gary, I can't believe you didn't leave during that.

I really want to leave. I can't believe you're still here. You really are a good friend. How about a hand for Gary Clark Jr. everybody? He could have left. That is a true security hazard. This is a trick, man. Spencer Pogue. This is a trick. I'm going to end up

on his wall on some dart board or something like that. I can feel it. Alright, let's try something else. You guys ready for another regular, huh? This is a new regular here on the show, everybody. He performs when David Lucas can't make it, makes some noise.

For LSH, everybody. Ready? Where my beautiful women at? Make some noise right now! Y'all sound strong. Y'all fucked around and had a snack before y'all came here. I know you did. Ain't nothing stronger than a woman with a full belly.

Can I just say that women are the most indestructible thing on the fucking planet? Can I say that? Because us fellas, man, shit, we stub our toe and we ready to call out for work. Like, uh, I ain't going to be able to make it, man. But meanwhile, women will push a fucking

water heater out they coochie and act like, and shit happens just thug! Make it drop. That's some wet ass pussy. They be like, hold on, bitch. Hold on. Shit, you coded three times and you were legally there for two minutes. Man, you somebody's mother.

I mean, a mother's man ain't nothing worse than when a mother doesn't know that they baby ugly. It's so sad. It's like a secret that they don't even know about. Man, they out here showing people and shit. I used to have a lady that I used to work with like, oh my God, you have to see my son.

You have to see him. Oh my God, God did this. God did this. He got a face of an angel. Y'all that baby look like Morgan Freeman. I said, this was not God. This was the devil who did this shit. Yeah, yeah. There you go, LSH. Absolutely.

Very good, Alice. Set up punch, set up punch. I like it. How are you? I'm good, man. Yeah? I'm good, man. How do you feel? What's been happening? We haven't seen you in a while. Man, got a new job.

Yeah, what do you do now? Working at Amazon as a delivery driver and shit. Actually had my first day of training today. It was fucking crazy. They were teaching me how to ring the doorbell and run the fuck off real fast. That was the first order of business. They said, I don't give a fuck about the packages.

Ring that bitch and go be gone. Go be gone. Very cool. So that's a good job, right? Does that give you benefits or anything like that? Uh, yeah, it give me dental and shit. Day one, too. It's actually a really good place to work.

Oh, you know about this? Yes, yeah. You know about that? Because Amazon opened up next to where I live. That's why that guy was in town. Saying that he was a traveling warehouse manager. Oh. Tales of Flugerville, everybody. Hell yeah.

Yeah, play that sad music, man. I'm feeling sad as fuck. Oh, shit. Okay. You gonna riff a little bit here? Yeah, my fucking barber fucked me up. Y'all had to break up with my barber and shit. What's your barber? Y'all ain't see me in a minute,

but my hairline was fucked up like at an incline and shit. That motherfucker gave me the hell Hitler fucking line up. You know what I'm saying? I said, bitch, I can't even go to the army with this shit. It's linked back like this. God damn. What happens if you don't touch the hairline? Like, does anyone do that?

I don't touch it. You don't touch it? Is that what happens? Yeah. So, did you find a new one? No. That's the saddest thing about it, man. Did you have a black barber or a white barber?

Yeah, he was mixed, so it was 50-50. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Ultra light skin, I said shit. I'm taking a chance. Oh, no. Oh, no. Incredible. Well, maybe Gary can recommend a cool black barber for you.

Nope. I put a hat on my shit for the past 20 years, man. For real. Maybe he can recommend a good hat store for you. I got you on that one. Gary always does good hats. Fucking beanies, man. I love it. So, Ellis, you had to break up with your barber. What else is going on? You got this new job?

I was trying to think of a lie real quick, but... Oh, I got a high school reunion coming up. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm not going, though. Why? I just don't like nobody that I graduated with. Right. Did you have a reputation at a nice school for anything?

Yeah, man. I was just that motherfucker that was always smiling and coolly with everybody and shit. Uh-huh. Yeah. Did you play sports or were you like a theater brat? Oh, no. I fucking hated theater motherfuckers. I was like, you act, bitch. Wow. Homophobic. Okay. Aw, man, but I don't know.

It's just the mother... I don't know. It's just weird. They think, because time passed that we friends now and shit, and that's not how that worked. Oh, you're on Facebook. Huh? Like on Facebook. Dude, I love your jokes, man. Let me grab the mic so I can go ahead and show you how it's done. I'm like, bitch, you can't do what I do.

That motherfucker, the cameras be on there. The fucking lights be on all these people. They'll be stuttering worse than Jared Nathan and his motherfucker. Oh, shit. That's a little... Hey, I love Jared Nathan. Hold up. Hold up. I love him. How dare you make fun of a special needs Canadian like that?

It is not nice, Ellis. Red Band, come on. Ellis, what else is going on? What's your living situation like? Because you've been unemployed for a while. You got the new job at Amazon, but you just started today. So what are we talking about? Tell us about the struggle.

Oh, man, I got... I mean, how long we got? Shit. I mean, fucking lost my apartment, fucking the leases up. And I moved back with my mom in there. Wait, what? Where's your mom at? Elgin, Texas. How far away is that?

10 minutes and shit. Oh, okay. Yeah, man. It's tough. So basically El Paso. No. It's like going towards Houston. Right. Okay. What does mom do? I feel like she's a good cook. Am I correct?

Oh, yeah. She got six kids. She got to be a good cook. Hell, yeah. Lots of butter and stuff. A lot of butter, bro. Bro, you got some pretty ass eyes, dude. No homo. It's like mesmerizing. Thank you.

Yeah, I should see it, bro. I'll be in the green room trying to figure out how to talk to this motherfucker. I'm just stunned. I'm just... They're blue eyes. They're blue eyes. It's a white person thing. Yeah. It really is.

Black people try sometimes. They try with those contacts, but it's a little bit... I like it. No hesitation. I truly believe that black people with contacts, colored contacts, it's a little bit weird. We notice.

No one has ever been like, wow, do you see the beautiful, natural green eyes on... Stefan? I went to high school with Stefan. He was the point guard. Naturally. Of course he was. He was very, very talented.

All right, Alice, you're sitting down. You're very comfortable tonight. Extreme sweatpants, a very loose-fitting t-shirt. I love it. You are... I don't know. These are my motherfucking people, man. I'm on the best podcast in the goddamn United States of America.

Y'all better make some noise like you out. That's true. You know what's crazy? My boss, right? He watches Kill Tony and shit. Oh, the Amazon boss. Jeff Bezos. Awesome. I can't believe he's a fan of the show. I love this. Another billionaire. Elon is a fan.

We have a lot of... We have a big billionaire fan base here. Hell, yeah, man. But he was like, oh, my God, I fucking love Tony and everything like that. And I'm like, okay, bitch, when do I get my badge? Like, fuck. He goes, get out the shades, y'all. But I just figured, like, Kill Tony

is like a fucking fraternity or some shit. Or like a cult. Because, mother, like, I just thought about it because... I can tell you work for Amazon now because it takes you two days to deliver your jokes. Tony. Oh. That was prime.

God damn it. I'm trying to get in the goddamn rhythm. Tony said, oh, bro, you know what? Someone messaged me and said, Ellis, you're a fucking bitch. I hate you. Tony's giving you way too much power. And I'm like, bitch, have you seen the show? Like, God damn, it's like,

watching Shin... What is it? Shin... The movie about the Jews. Whoa. Whoa. Uh, Shin... Shin... Shinler's List. Oh, my goodness. Well, fuck the joke now,

because it took too long. This is like a Jew being up here and being like, that black movie about that one day of the week. What is it? It's not Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday. I can't quite remember. What is that black movie? How dare you talk about

Shinler's List like that? My goodness gracious. Have you ever seen that movie? Shinler's... Shinler's List, yes. Wow. This is what you get for making fun of Jared Nathan, by the way. This is fucking some of that sweet,

sweet Canadian karma coming at you. Hey, I love Jared Nathan. What the fuck, man? That's my dude. All right. Will you watch Shinler's List and then do a scene for us next time you're on stage from Shinler's List? I mean...

Yeah, fuck it, why not? I can do that, yeah. All right, LSH, she did it again. Another new minute from Ellis. There he goes, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. We're having fun here. This is the show. We're watching LSH grow in front of our very eyes.

Actor, turn comedian. Local resident. This is tough, man. It's not easy. Hans Kim makes it look easy. Let's see what happens next. Make some noise for Julian Sales, everybody. Julian...

Sales. Let's see what happens here. Here he is. One more time for Julian, everybody. All right, so... I'm originally from Pensacola. I heard you guys out here in Austin actually like shrooms. Is that right? Oh, shit.

All right, so... I like to eat the shrooms or drink the tea, right? I personally like to drink the... I like to drink the tea. All right, if you can't tell. Anyway, so... A lot of people find that hard to get down

because of flavor and stuff like that. Well, I was triple one of my friends. I asked her, you know, like, hey, do you have a t-shirt, a rag, a coffee filter, something like that so we can strain these out, right? She's like, hang on just a second. I'm like, all right, girl.

You know, go to load it up. I gotta tell you, it really enhances the flavor, all right? So if you were having trouble getting it down, pussy-flavored mushroom tea's like, the best thing going, dude. I gotta tell you. Now, depending on who you deal with,

sometimes it gives a nice little crunch. I'm gonna bottle it up, sell it, call it good ol' shroom in the loom, so see me after the show, all right? Fuck yeah, all right. I'm one of the funniest comedians of the night, exclusively here to sell mushrooms, everybody. It's just still,

so far, one of the best sets of the night out of the bucket, literally, just here to sling mushrooms. I mean, my goodness, you have eaten so many mushrooms you are beginning to look like one. Do you know that? Straight up shit-hockey over here.

Julian Sales, how long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Have you ever thought about calling yourself Scarret Top? How long? Three years? Four years, absolutely, with a strong, deep voice. What do you do for a living?

Right now, I'm working at the library across the street. I figured if, you know, if Vulcan wouldn't hire me, they would at least have to see my face every single fucking day, right? That's a good move, right? What does that mean?

If they wouldn't hire me as a door guy here, I even signed up for big, you know, I got to make my face known. Is that what you want? You want to be part of it? Yeah, I definitely want to be a part of this thing. I just moved here from Pensacola to be here. Okay, how long ago did you move here? Just three weeks ago.

And you already got a job at the local library. That has to be scary as fuck, right? Yes, sir. You don't have books. Thank you. It's definitely a bar. Oh, it's a bar called the library. Right across the street.

Okay, very good. That should be scary as fuck still, I guess. Interesting that you work at a place called the library when you are unbookable. Oh! Actually, actually,

there's a show here at the Fall Out Theater where Ariel Isaac Norman, May 14th. I love it. No, I believe that you are indeed bookable. I like your style. Thank you. What do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has a lot of hobbies. What's your method of transportation? First, let's start there,

because I'm guessing it's something that doesn't have an engine. Wind power. Skateboarder bicycle. Tell the truth. The bird scooters? Yeah. Yeah.

Look at that. You're pretty good at that. So you travel exclusively by bird. Even though you look like you travel by broomstick. Witchy woman. There you go. Julian, what else? Tell us more

about you. So, again, came from Pensacola. You say gay kid? Gay kid? Pensacola, Florida. No, but you said a gay kid from Pensacola. Oh, no, no. Did I say that? Yeah, you did.

You just came out of the closet live on Kill Tony. Congratulations. An incredible maneuver. You know what? Just for that, he did such a good job yo-yoing earlier. I'm going to let Yoni suck your dick right now. It's very exciting. He's not moving.

He does have a nice mustache. I love it. Okay. So, from Pensacola, Florida, what are you famous for in Pensacola? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact that you actually make that noise while looking exactly like the type of guy

that would make that noise is quite incredible. Probably. It is absolutely wild. So, no, I did acting, improv, directing, and stand up for probably the past four years there. I actually hosted something,

god damn it. Yeah, it's called a secret comedy show, Pensacola. You may, I don't know, but yeah. So, it was totally announced on what actually happens here. But, when I moved here, I took away over non-different venues

and stuff like that. So, I had a fun time there and that's probably it. I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. How often do you eat mushrooms? You talked about mushrooms? So, I took 46 grams of peyote

on my 30th birthday. I've been good ever since. Are you talking about real peyote or like synthetics? So, let me ask you, where did you do this? What did you do? What was the highlight?

What was the low light? Oh shit, he just turned into Dave Chappelle right then. Look at that. Alright, so highlights was I did access the Kaushik record where you have all knowledge of all things, right?

I think the ceiling fan turned into four alien heads. Which they just say you're just Persian and that's your ancestors come to watch over you while you trip, right? Right, of course.

They always take over the ceiling fan, of course. So, this was a 24-hour trip, right? So, everybody who says I want to do peyote, they're fucking idiots, alright? So, I'm at my friend's house it's

like four o'clock in the morning, right? And I hear this noise off to the side and it's like I thought it was cats fighting, right? All of a sudden, I look over and it's a damn possum walking up I'm like, oh my god, so at first

I'm like scared, but the animalistic instinct kicked in with a peyote so I just go pfft right? And about that time when the neighborhood like

people were doing a morning jog so, I'm pretty sure they thought I was on meth, just like, oh you guys, right? Alright. You're right, that was 24 hours. That's incredible. Wow. Julian

Sales, what's your love life like? He's literally I've always wondered what happened to Butthead from Beavis and Butthead. He moved to Pensacola, Florida, spent all of his money and now exclusively just does

psychedelics. Ever since they stopped making music videos you ran out of shit to talk about. So, I started my first mic was at the creek in the cave and stuff and it started keep going back a couple times, right? Looks like you were born in a cave, so that's perfect.

Stupid. I don't know how to make fire, but the fire signal Anyways, caveman, anyways. So, went there the third time and pretty much say I was homeless, you know, I need a sugar mama.

Got a number right after the show, dude. So, I was like, fucking set, right? So, she's been funding my whole process here. Okay, so you have found a sugar mama? I am looking for another one. She's kind of cheap though. I don't...

Nothing worse than a cheap sugar mama. Everybody knows that. That is more of a sour mama if you ask me. Absolutely incredible. Most interesting thing about you before I let you go. If you had to give us one thing of your entire life that would be the most interesting thing about you.

Could be anything. So, I was in the Coast Guard for a while doing drug busts and migraine addiction. Okay, wait, you were in the Coast Guard for a while and then what? I got addicted to drugs and then got kicked out. It was honorable.

Honorable? What drugs did you get addicted to in the Coast Guard? Oh, so... You could pass a drug test on spice, right? So, I was a latter day spice boy if you would call it, you know?

Oh. You could do spice, you know? My first time... I don't know. Doing cocaine was fun. Because that gets out of your system quick, you know? Seems like you would like that. Is there any drug that you haven't done that you want to try?

May I suggest fentanyl? Pure, pure fentanyl. Alright, we're going to keep it moving along. There goes Julian Sales, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Holy shit. This is wild tonight. It's a wild one.

You guys still having fun out there, huh? We got a little cowboy over here. Alright, let's see what happens next. Could be a breakout star any moment. Make some noise for Josh Stram, everyone. Let's see how this goes. Here comes Josh. He's running to the stage.

Here he is. Josh Stram. Woo! Kill Tony! We got some great couples here. Some beautiful people. I made it about two years in my relationship. And my girl, uh, she decided to surprise me

with a third person. And, uh, I did not like him. I did not like him. Yeah, he was a couples counselor. I was so confused sitting on this guy's couch, like, I shaved my balls for this.

$200 an hour to find out that I'm the bad guy? Could have told us that for free. So could your sister. One more meow, meow. I'm very high. Oh, I did the joke backwards. Are there any cops here?

I think we should pay cops more, like, a million dollars a year. Because if a cop made a million dollars a year, he'd have to think really hard before he shot a person of color. I'm racist, I got racist kids in private school. I can't afford to get suspended.

Whoa. My goodness, there's the bear. Uh, wow, that was interesting. Josh, you had everything going for you. And then right at the end, you just lit yourself on fire. Super awkward, very self-destructive behavior.

I didn't want to finish early, and I fucked it up. Do you think it benefits you to, say, colored person instead of black person there? Or is it, is that by design? Well, I think they also shoot Latinos. I think they do. I don't think it's exclusively them shooting blacks.

I'm not a cop, I don't know, I don't want to judge. But I think they kill a lot of people. You had such a good joke. You were doing good, you were doing so good. You were at the 53 seconds, you could have literally said, that's my time. And then you went into this very interesting... It's an edgy bit.

Yeah, I've been... It's a racist bit, not edgy. I don't think it's racist. How's it racist? Yeah, red bin. I mean, I don't know if it's actually racist. The bit is I want to... Not worth it. It's tricky.

It's very tricky. Why do you use the word colored and not black there? I'll be honest, that joke's like a week old, and I don't know why I did it, and I haven't written... I could, yeah, it's under six weeks, so I think I'm still good. I didn't write down all the names for

a black person and then decide on that. I just pulled it out of a hat. Which leads us to believe that you might use this word more often than just in that bit. It would actually make more sense if you had an explanation for it. I apologize for the joke to anyone that was offended of... You can DM me directly.

Tony, how old is he? He might be 75 or something like that. What does that mean? Oh, I see, because... I'm 33, I'm 33 years old. Okay, what do you do for work? I do project management stuff. Boring stuff in tech, like large company stuff? Uh-huh, uh-huh.

What do you do for fun? What's an outlet for you? Honestly, I think I'm a boring person. I do a lot of comedy. I've been doing more of it. Yeah, my timing... One of our resident audience members here. We have some bad sets tonight.

Let's act like me going for Gloria. The comedy was not the right answer there. Tell us, when you're not doing comedy, what do you do for fun? I used to work out a lot, but I kind of do that now, yeah. I used to, I'm 33, I used to. Very rarely do people get more

lasting in the interview part than their minute-long set, but you're really working the room here right now. What happened? Why did you stop working out? I hurt my foot, and then COVID. Those two things. I used to play a lot of basketball, and then just fell out of it. I could see that.

I could see you trying to post up against somebody. All hips. Yeah, yeah. Big boxer, outer. I have to play fundamentals. I'm a below-the-rim team-oriented player. Absolutely. You went like that when you did that. Are you jerking off your teammates?

Oh, okay, pass. Very good. So, was any of that true? You were in a relationship for two years, then she brought in a third person? Couples counseling. You just went to counseling. Well, I've done individual counseling, but also I've done couples counseling for like a year and a half.

And you guys are still together? We actually just got engaged, yeah. Wow, okay. So, things are good. Yeah, I mean, just got like two weeks ago. So, yeah, pretty good. Did you propose somewhere special? You seem like the kind of guy that would have done it

at an Austin soccer game or something like that? Yeah, no. That weird carnival off the 270 or whatever it is? Yeah. Seems like you would pick a special Austin place, right? Yeah, I was planning... In front of the, I love you so much, painting on the side of that one building?

Bucky? Yes. I was planning a surprise thing and then her dad told someone who told her. So, it was like... Who's this someone? I don't know, one of her aunts or something.

It's unclear to me who the rat was. I haven't launched an investigation. Sounds like it was dad. I was planning a trip with my dad in Vegas and it was like, oh. So, it was in Vegas? She found out, I live in Dallas. She found out in Dallas

that I was planning a thing in Vegas which would have been the proposal. But you ended up not doing that instead? Well, when she found out, I was just like, yeah, so let's, and we've been like planning it now together. He has Dallas energy. She found out I was gonna propose

and instead it was just like, yes I do planning the wedding for like the last two weeks. What was gonna be a proposal party is now a wedding. What scares you? The idea of like losing my mental health, going crazy, shit like that. Right. Do you ever see that happening?

Did that happen? Does that run in your... I have a big family history of it, yeah. It does. What runs in your family? Almost everything, yeah. Bipolar, PTSD, schizophrenia, a lot of different heavy shit, yeah. Have you ever thought about wearing a cape like that?

Because then we would know something's wrong. For sure. Yeah, yeah. Josh, very, very interesting. Any special skills or talents that you have? Obviously not comedy. Yeah, I uh...

You're good at making people go, oh. Oh. You're like really good at that. Have you ever thought about making that your thing? Like, what if you could tell me like what that is I would love to apply for it. Holy shit! There it is. His bread and butter, folks. The awe guy.

He could be a little puppy. Yeah. I love it. Okay. Your greatest talent that isn't comedy? Uh, I... It almost got me in trouble. I did start-up stuff for a while, so like I... invented a shitty app.

Wow. That was forced. That felt... That felt forced. No, that felt pretty natural to me. Yeah, yeah. Austin people aren't really into start-ups. This is fucking... So what are we talking about?

What is it? Fire Festival? Yeah. It's gonna be great this year, guys. All right. Wild. Yeah, I love the show. You're contributing a lot as a guest host. You're getting cool, Josh. Why don't you fucking try it, you little bitch?

I gotta ask you, why did you stare at me in the face when you said colored people? Whippin' through the glass. Oh, my goodness. Motherfucker. Wow. You're trying to take shots at the throne at a fucking rock star up here. Trying to be cool.

Yeah, man. Listen, I don't do this. I respect comedians. I don't know why the fuck I'm here either. But I'm here. All right? Yeah, I was just trying to deflect. I was just trying to deflect because I felt... Don't fuck with me. I love it. Gary Clark Jr.

is here. Austin Zone. A goddamn rock star. How dare you? Can we get Joe Rogan's pillow on stage, though, for Gary? All right. Josh. Congratulations.

Thank you. Congratulations on your wedding or on your marriage and everything. And I'm glad. Hopefully the future is brighter for you than it was here tonight. Josh Strand, everybody. There he goes. We have not had a female comedian on yet tonight. Should I pull until we get a lady up here?

Huh? All right. Let's see what happens here. Not John. Not Brendan. Not Bobby. Not Mikey. Not Darien. Okay. Okay.

Is Cyber Sandy a real person? Cyber Sandy? Is this a female? Is this a female? Cyber Sandy? This seems too good to be true. Oh, here she comes. It's real.

Cyber Sandy is on her way to the stage. Come on. One more time for Cyber Sandy, everyone. What the fuck is up, Vulcan? I sat most of y'all tonight and when I heard my name I was going to, like, fly down the stairs and run over here. I am a very anxious person

and I have a bad habit of putting myself in really bad situations. I recently got married. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not the bad situation. Like, I love him. He's great. But, like, he doesn't fix my anxiety. Like, he's out of town this weekend

and right before he left he was like, well, I got to show you how to use the gun. And I'm like, we're on the way to the airport. Not right now. Stressed. Stressed. Stressed. Like, how I'm feeling right now.

Um, so, is everyone having fun tonight? Okay. I sat most of y'all and I was like, okay, what table are you? Let's go find it together because I'm here every Monday and I still don't know the fucking table numbers.

So, um, thank you for being here tonight and that's my time. There you go. Cyber Sandy. How exciting. How exciting. This is all true. You work here, you sat people tonight.

That's so weird that they let the cleaning crew seat people here. That's amazing. It's so nice. You always go above and beyond. You know, do it with a smile. Cyber Sandy, how long have you worked here? Um, I don't know.

I think, like, maybe a year? Really? How do we not know you? Every Monday? You've been here? I'm silently in the background. Wow. It's really nervous. Like, can y'all hear my voice shaking? That's what you're saying.

You can tell. You literally did better than everybody else pulled out of the bucket tonight. With barely any... All you had to do was stay somewhat present and acknowledge anything that was happening in the room to do so.

And you did that, which is incredible. I wrote jokes? You did. I don't know if you did any of them, but you definitely wrote them. That's good. That's half the battle. Writing is half the battle. Once you perform, who knows what can happen.

There you go. I love it. So Cyber Sandy, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is the first time in my life. Whoa! Wow. Wow. I don't know what happens next, though.

I'm just, like, in the shadows, like, watching, observing. Right. Very, very interesting. Is this something you've always wanted to do? Um, I mean... I feel like I can be honest. Um, and...

Thank you. Um... So, like, you know how they say there's two types of girls, like, you know, the late bloomers, the, you know, the other type? No, no, no. I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh. You feel like you have something to say? I got nothing. That makes too much. What exactly are you talking about? Your late bloomers and your what? Yeah, I mean... Did you start your period?

Yeah. John. There's two types of women. Horses and hoes, according to John. Thank you, John Dees. Local rock star for describing the two different types of women that there are. That's it. That's it.

Cold as ice over here. I love it. So, what are you talking about? Late bloomers and what? Are you going through puberty right now? What are we talking about here? Yeah, basically. No, as a kid, I would dress up as a clown and, like, do family parties.

And so, I always knew. This was, like, for me... So, wait a second. Hold on. You used to dress up like a clown. Yeah, and, like, the problem was, like, again, putting yourself in really bad situations. Like, for me, it was an opportunity to, like, make family friends,

have a great birthday party, but you can't just be the clown that stands around. Like, that's so scary. So, I learned how to make balloon animals. And I had a whole operation. Now, I was a little entrepreneur at 11. It was great. I would make $100 a party. You'd make $100 a party?

Holy shit. That is a pricey clown. I didn't realize clowns gave out hand jobs at these parties. That is incredible. I wasn't that kind of clown. My goodness. And when you were clowning around, what types of things would you do other than balloon animals?

Give us an example. Honestly, it's funny, because my sister tells me, like, she's younger. I'm 28. She turns 27 soon. And she was, like, my most... Typical Latina, one year of separation, for those of you. Most likely 10 months.

Okay. My sister's 27. We have a brother, 26. Sister 25. Sister 24. My brother's 23. Hey! Hell yeah.

I can't help it. I can't help it. I love it. I knew that I was always silly, and I was like, I got to pursue this. So thanks for the opportunity. Right, indeed. So you were a clown for a while,

so this is something that you've always wanted to do. And now here you are. You've been working here for a year, and you waited. Have you been signing up regularly? No, this is the first night I sign up. Yay! Very, very interesting. I'm, like, still shaking.

Right. Okay. I love it. And what do you do for a living, like an actual living? I'm in tech. You're in tech? Yeah. All right. And you have a family, you have a boyfriend, kids? Just recently got married.

Yeah, hey, any married people? Okay. I see a bride over there, bride to be, honey. Oh, shit. Yeah. Look at that one. Look at that one. A real spectacle over there. At Kiltoni, wearing the fucking...

the veil. I love it! Let's go! Bad decisions! Yeah. The bad decisions have already started. I don't know if you've seen tonight's episode, Cyber Sandy, but... I've been here. I'm gonna bring my cape, but...

You know, I shouldn't have my back facing that way, actually. But... You're a new husband. What does he do for work? He's also in tech. He's actually... I'm picking him up in, like, 15 minutes.

Oh, shit. From where? Where are you picking him up at, up front of a Home Depot? Oh, come on. That's so rude, dude. Oh, my God! Like, what kind of tech do you guys do? Like, the Taco Bell app? Or, like, torture?

Oh, my God! Red Band! Red Band, why would you say that? Innovative. Do you do the Taco Bell app? No, no, no, no. Now, what kind of tech do you do? So, I'm a consultant, and I just enable our customers

to use our product. Okay. Alright. How about for fun? What does someone like you do for fun? Honestly, like, the ha ha's. Like, oh, my gosh, you guys are here. You know, I'm here. What?

The ha ha's. Not the jazz, jazz, jazz, jazz. Like, the Spanish one. The ha ha's. What the... The ha ha's. I'm here for the ha ha's. It's like, time is precious, and I'm here laughing with all these ratchet people.

Yes. Yes. Ratchet indeed. I will be honest, though, Tony. This is maybe, like, my fourth or fifth Tony, Kill Tony night. I've been doing the Red Band, like, Thursdays. There are a lot of fun.

But, like, the first Kill Tony night, it was a man in a wheelchair, a man with a stutter, another special ed person, and he came home. No. Wait, why are you guys laughing at that? Why are you guys laughing at my show?

No, wait, stop it. Stop it! No, I don't like that laugh you guys are doing. No, stop, stop, it's getting worse. No, it's okay, it's okay, Tony. Everybody's laughing at my big, dumb show. No, no, no. I just want to say, I fell at home.

Absolutely. Welcome. Welcome, indeed. All right, thank you all so much. This is my... Oh, wow, you're just going to leave. Okay. All right.

You know what? I like it. Cyber Sandy here. Take a joke book. Have a big one for your first time ever. There she goes. Cyber Sandy. She's adorable. I'm sure we'll see her again. All right.

This has been a pretty wild episode. Lady getting married. You didn't sign up, did you? No. Did anyone at your table? No. Forget it. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen.

And it is with the longest standing regular in the history of the show. This young man just spent the entire weekend with me in Phoenix, Arizona, featuring for me, doing long 25-minute sets with no no-cards, five sold-out shows

in one of the largest comedy clubs in the world, Stand Up Live. Was lugged around to the UFC right next to the Octagon for his first time ever and flew private this weekend for his first time in his life. This is the ever-growing

The Memphis Strangler The Big Red Machine William Lights Out Montgomery I know that bitch wasn't talking about me! Red Band Red Band looks like

if Fred Durst started eating manga characters. Federal investigators are supposedly horrified by what they found on Hunter Biden's laptop, but even more disturbed by what they didn't find. The game Minesweeper. You know that dumbass

Minesweeper! Joy Behar is telling women that to protest stricter abortion laws, women should withhold sex from their husbands. In breaking news, her husband was last seen erecting a huge sign in their front yard that says outlaw abortion.

Hey Red Band, your mama's so old, she got breast implants and she suffers severe complications to this day and I'm praying for her health. Red Band's mom is super sick right now. Federal investigators

are supposedly horrified by what they found on Hunter Biden's laptop, but even more disturbed by what they didn't find, Napster. You know that dumbass Napster! Wow, he did it again. Rapid fire.

Non-stop. This is another young man, another regular on this show that has relentlessly shown an incredible amount of growth through a week-to-week basis. He's staring down Red Band.

Like, do you know that my mom went to the hospital the other day? Yeah, that's why I said that fucking joke. That's fucked up. Why do you think I fucking said it? That's fucked up. I know she's not doing it right now and it was Mother's Day yesterday.

Why the fuck do you think I said it, Red Band? I mean, it's just kind of fucked up. Like, seriously, like, it's pretty serious. Shut the fuck up, no it's not. It's real. No, it's not. Dude, I have been checking my phone all night to see if the operation's okay.

Uh-uh. Red Band, don't tell me this. There's a picture of his mom right here. He's looking at a picture. Show William. No, no, no, no. Show William. No, no, that's not cool. Red Band, it was a horrible mistake, man. How was I supposed to know your mom was actually sick? I'm sorry, man.

Your dad gave her gonorrhea, man. Shut the fuck up! Wow, Red Band. Not a lot of you know that Red Band is a roast genius. He just made fun of William by saying that William's father had sex with his mother

and gave her gonorrhea. No, no, no. William's mom gave William's dad gonorrhea. Shut the fuck up, dude! You're out of control tonight. Fucking stop, and yeah, I know that your mom is fucking sick. You dumbass. One of the greatest yellers in all of comedy.

William Montgomery absolutely smashing. Makes it funnier. You absolutely killed all these shows in Phoenix. So much so, that I found out a little rumor that you did so good featuring for me, that at the end of this week, you're going to be featuring for a guy that I look up to

who's stand up that I love, Duncan Trussell, this weekend. I'm going back to Phoenix, y'all! I'm going back to the desert, y'all! Y'all! They love you out in Phoenix. It was fun out there. It was so hot during the day.

It was. It was burning up and it felt a lot better at night time. The temperature really drops out there in the desert. William takes care of his very, very, very fair skin. Some people say his skin is fairer than the Supreme Court.

So... And Arizona is rough on you. He had a plethora of sunscreens and visors. He carries around an umbrella with him, ladies and gentlemen. This man is a rock star. He knows it. He protects the features.

He's filled with freckles. He had more freckles than I've ever seen. Tony, why would you bring up that I have to carry around a fucking umbrella? That's so embarrassing. Self-care. Self-care. Yeah, it's called self-care. I have to carry around a fucking umbrella.

See how fair my skin is? Literally. I've been fucking walking around with an umbrella for like the past five fucking years. Whenever I'm outside, if it's raining, I have an umbrella. When it's sunny, I have an umbrella. Just literally all the fucking time. I can't believe you would have said that, Tony.

What about when it's just partly cloudy? What do you have then? I have a fucking umbrella. I literally have an umbrella. Just in case. Whenever I leave my fucking house! The yelling has been working for him, believe it or not. We did, again,

one of the largest comedy clubs in the world, Stand Up Live. I believe it seats like something crazy. 700 people. I'm not exactly sure of the numbers. I let my agent take care of those logistics. You know what I mean? But anyway, you screaming out into this massive, massive venue

of people. It absolutely destroys. You had fun this weekend, right? It was fun. I had a wonderful time. We had the best fucking week into my life. If Cracker Barrel Kid 55 is fucking watching this right now. Fuck you, dude! William speaks directly to his haters

on the internet. Quit sending me fucking messages! Cracker Barrel Kid literally won't fucking stop. I can't find out who it is. I don't know who it is. What is he saying to you? Bobby Lee can give you the IP numbers. Oh, shit. You better, you better chill out.

There's a lot of drama this week with Redman. Oh, no. The joint I was smoking earlier really just hit me and I'm up here a little terrified just thinking I'm tired of screaming. Literally in Phoenix, my voice

fucking went out after the second show. I didn't know what the fuck to do! I couldn't talk! William with me. A very extremely high level security breach this Saturday

at the UFC we sat next to the Octagon directly together literally you could touch the Octagon from our seats and you made it that close. Explain to these people what your first UFC was like. It was very exciting. Yeah, we went in between the shows after

the first show we walked back and we had these wristbands but it didn't really matter because we walked in just the front and the lady's like, oh, what are you all doing? And Tony's like, oh, we can make it through, don't worry. She's like, what? And then Tony just keeps walking and I'm just like, oh my god and I followed. Special wristbands that

basically means we can do whatever we want. Means we're part of the staff for the arena that night. But basically I did have a gun in my back pocket. He did go through the metal detector with a gun and he set it off. It was set off. Yeah, I eventually pretty much just had

to run in. But I swear to you, I saw, I think it was Dana Gold is his name, the UFC guy. No, that's Dana White. Dana White. Dana White is the billionaire owner and creator of the UFC.

I always think Dana Gold for some reason. Dana Gold again. We're going to have to cut this out. Long time stand up comedian, not really known for much. But yeah, we're sitting down there. I saw that one guy get kicked in the face. I thought I was watching somebody die because

he was breathing weird and just wouldn't move. And I was horrified. I didn't realize how violent the UFC actually was. Did y'all realize this? Yeah, not exactly. A bunch of guys walking around with umbrellas out there. Oh my god. It was violent.

It was brutal. It was violent. No greater fight than those UV rays. But I have to check my arms and legs every time I come in after a sunny day looking for skin cancer. It's a nightmare. You really don't know

how right on. It is very special out there traveling with you, getting to walk around with Danny DeVito's penguin from Batman. William with an umbrella. Meanwhile I'm trying to be cool. And I'm out there walking around with this fucking red head.

Puffy Montgomery. It's funny. It is like Danny DeVito and that I have like a suit on and I have my umbrella. Yeah, it was very, very bad. Sometimes he spins it around and like does weird things. Sort of dance around and I'll spin the umbrella around a little bit.

And to close out the weekend you got to fly private for the first time ever on a private jet William Montgomery first time in his life. How did that feel? It was exciting. I mean literally when I walked through there wasn't a metal detector there so I was able to just bring the gun on the plane. I've never been able to bring

a gun on an airplane before. It was very exciting. Guns, drugs, you can fly with anything when you want when you reach another level. Isn't that wild? It was so crazy. I was like, yeah, I could have a bunch of cocaine on me right now and I already had this gun. Yeah. I could fucking totally

have something else. Yeah, you could do anything you want at that point. But it was scary. I'm glad we made it. I'm very scared of airplanes. I'm very happy. We made it safely. I was a little worried. Was it turbulent? No. There's no fucking. Was it turbulent?

Shut the fuck up, you dumbass. Did I say turbulent? You sound like such a bitch. Oh yeah? At least I can go out in this sunny little bitch. Shut the fuck up! I see a spot right now. Shut the fuck up. No, you don't see a spot. Shut up.

I see a couple spots. No, I don't. No, I don't. Oh my goodness. You can't see any fucking spots on me right now. You're rejecting your... Shut the fuck up. What do you mean you can see spots? Shut up. That's such a weird thing to say up here right now. Wow, this is...

I've seen this a lot on the internet and it's weird to be in the middle of... This is the real deal. What the fuck? I find myself between this intensity every single Monday. This guy representing the Waffle House. Hey!

I'll smother you. You guys look like Fred Durst. He kind of looks like Fred Durst. Kind of. He's like Fred Worst. Hey! He's like limp biscuits and gravy. Alright, let's get out of here.

That's William Montgomery. Guys, we are not worthy to be in his presence. My friend Gary Clark Jr., everybody. Shout out to Tony. All you comedians, the band. This shit is not easy.

I got the best seat in the house and I got free drinks. So I appreciate you all, man. Hell yeah. Thank you, Gary, for fucking coming out and joining us. How about a hand for the band one more time, everybody? Matt Mueling on guitar. B-Madness on bass. Michael Gonzalez on drums.

And that's the great John Dees on the keys. Getting ready for his big European tour with Gary. Also catch John Dees at the gallery on South Congress later tonight, if you're out and about. Also, the official Kill Tony after party featuring Nether Hour

starts now. And before we go, here's tonight's drawing of tonight's episode from the great Ryan Jay-E-Belt who draws every episode. Look at that. Live in the flesh. Go to e-belt.com for all those prints.

We're doing the show every single week, of course, sold out for the unbelievably foreseeable future. And we love it that you guys all travel and make your trips here from wherever you came from here tonight. So thank you so much and we'll see you again soon. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.