KILL TONY - #560 - DERIC POSTON

Episode Date: June 3, 2022

Deric Poston, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/16/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also.

So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff.

Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ["Kill Tony Show Theme Song"] Hey, this is Redburn Company Live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for it, Tony! Let's go! Are you guys ready to have the best goddamn Monday night of your lives, or what? Fuck yeah. Make some noise for Redburn, everybody. Redburn is here. Now, about a hand for the goddamn band, huh?

That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, John Dees on the keys, Matt Mueling on guitar, and the great D-Madness right behind me on the bass. Very, very exciting stuff. We are excited to be here. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. The two best strip clubs in the world

happen to be here in Austin, Texas. And that is the Kill Tony band, brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. Show also brought to you by Delicious Red Bull. If you need wings, drink Red Bull. And the W Hotel, where right now you can save 25% off by using the promo code Kill Tony on a Sunday or a Monday night if you're coming to visit Kill Tony.

And here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliff here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy. Lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me.

All around the country, we're back at it. Salt Lake City, May 20th and 21st, Buffalo, June 10th and 11th. Atlantic City, New Jersey, June 24th and 25th. Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th. Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th and the 30th. Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August. And August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return.

September 29th, 30th and October 1st. Excited to get back to Nashville, San Antonio. Dallas, Houston, Tampa, Atlantic City and Buffalo. And of course, Salt Lake City, the home of my favorite religion, all very soon. That's tickets available, TonyHinchCliff.com and we'll see you out there. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

Yeah. Every single week, I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This one's very special. This young man, much like me, comedy store door guy, turned, paid regular. He has been opening up for Andrew Schultz all around the world, including Radio City Music Hall.

He's Austin's own. Derek Poston, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, this is the future. The future has arrived and it is Derek Poston. Derek Poston is back. He has arrived fresh off of Radio City Music Hall. Yes, sir. This is some of the best venues around the world.

What's up, you white niggas? Y'all good? Let's do it. Yeah. Beautiful people here fucking Hagrid's here. What's up, Hagrid? I see you, baby. Hell yeah. There's a few Hagrid's here, a few.

Half of my fan base literally looks like Hodor. It's pretty exciting, very exciting stuff. We have this table of proud boys right here. It's very exciting. And one proud girl. I see you, cute ass. I see you. The first people to try to go back to the future

on a Harley-Davidson hair. It's very exciting. The bad guys from Raising Arizona have arrived. So there's a bunch of comedians that are gonna perform for you tonight. Some of them are regulars on this show, a very prestigious position, where now they are fully flourishing

and headlining all around the world. Used to be a spot where we watch comedians develop and write a new minute every week. Now you're doing the same thing, but you're getting a fresh minute of material from them as they travel the world, headlining their own shows. And also we have a bucket where we pull names out and complete strangers come up here,

sometimes for their very first time. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means their uninterrupted 60 seconds is up and they have to wrap it up. But then they're also gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That means they really have to wrap it up

because that's an obnoxiously loud noise that is the format of the show. And then I interview them. We talk with them. We find out more about them. It's all completely improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or what?

Let's go. Then we show with a young man who just six months ago was living in his van. He was masturbating continuously. But he was also writing jokes and performing every night at OpenMikes. Now he's rich. He performs in herrinas with me and Joe Rogan

because we changed his fucking life. Here with a brand new minute. This is Hans Kim. Let's go. He is Hans Kim. He is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up? It's good to be here.

I was recently in Chicago, which is fun. You know, we have guns here, but they're actually using them over there. We're just shooting targets like a bunch of liberal pussies. They're shooting each other. I met a trans person. I met a trans person.

I met a bicyclist who identified as an automobile. Use your turn signals, Kia. I am happy to be here. My sister is a feminist, or I'd like to call her a sore loser. Get over it, we won. Try again next generation. All right, that's it.

Thank you very much. Whoa, 52 seconds from Hans Kim. Finishing your homework early this week. 52 seconds, there's the cat. Hi, Hans. Hi, Tony. Sorry about that. What was that? How are you?

I'm doing great. Just did a little headlining weekend at Zany's. I'm really proud of myself. In Chicago? Yeah. Wow, that is huge. Thank you. That is a world-famous comedy club.

One of the best, a place that headlines people very early on in their careers. I've been performing there for, I think, about a decade now. That's incredible that you did that. How did it go? It went great. I saw Ariana here. She's on Instagram.

Wait, what? Are you pointing out a girl that you saw on Instagram while you were in Chicago? No, she's a friend of the show. She was in the front row. Wait, in Chicago? Yeah, they're rich. Oh, okay.

Okay. All right, that's a different story. I thought you were just saying that you saw her on Instagram while you were performing in Chicago. You're so creepy that I thought that's what you said. Like, the fact that I think that you may have said that says a lot about what I think about you. I'm a red-blooded young American male.

Hell yeah. That's right, red-blooded. All right, very good. So, Chicago went well. Did you sell tickets? Yeah. Did you sell tickets to anybody that wasn't at this show? That's the ticket that mattered.

Did you get anybody from Chicago to come out? Yeah, there was a lot of them. I got paid a flat fee, so I didn't really try it too hard. A flat fee? There you go. Flat fee. Flat fee. Very good.

That's fun. So, you didn't have to work too hard. You did what? Five shows? Four shows. Four shows. They don't do the three on Saturdays anymore? Well, no, they don't.

They did Thursday, Friday, one show, Saturday, two shows, because I couldn't sell out Friday Late Show. Oh, there we go. It gives me room to grow. Next time, maybe I could do five shows there, like a real full-blooded comedian. Right. No, that makes sense.

Yoni, I need a Sharpie, by the way. Thank you so much, Yoni. Did you fuck after the shows? That's my one question. Good question, Derek. Did you fuck after the show? Did you find yourself a little Chicago bear or something out there? A little bull?

Nice little bro. I'm actually straight. Hi. These are the sports teams in Chicago. Perhaps you had a black hawk up your ass? That's the hockey team. Thank you. Thank you.

Just balling out of control with my Chicago sports references. You know what I mean? I have a girlfriend, so I hung out with the crew, and then I went to the hotel room and called her and jerked off together. You jerked off together? She also jerked off. Yeah.

She twiddled around. Was it an old FaceTime? Yeah. FaceTime or was this just straight up? Straight audio only. Whoa. The old heavy breathing. The old flat feet.

Why didn't you use video? It's just a lot of pressure. I have to look. You have to look good. Yeah. You hold the phone at the right angle and everything. I got a selfie stick. Too much work.

Also, you end up just looking at yourself when it's FaceTime. That's what I look like jerking off. Let me ask you this. You guys are doing an audio only call, and then you're playing with yourselves. What's your setup here? Are you laying in the middle of the hotel bed? Are you on the ironing board?

What's going on here? Describe the situation for us, Hans. The world wants to know. So I got drunk, and I stumbled up into my hotel room, fell asleep with all my clothes on, and was like, hey, baby, I miss you. Wow, you turned into an Italian man. That's very exciting.

Hey, baby. Hey, baby, I've been thinking about you. Hey, it's me, Hans. Oh, shit, dude. Chicago really brings it out in you. Hey, baby, what do you say? We just go on the phone or what? Get the fuck out of here.

Thank you. I appreciate that, because you're Italian. Right. Thank you so much. Happy Asian Heritage Month, by the way, Hans. I don't want to forget May's Asian Heritage Month. Never forget that one again. Thank you.

Very Asian claps for that. Indeed. It was very polite. So you guys are on the phone. You're doing audio only. Use hand lotion. Use the hotel lotion. Just straight raw dog.

Whoa. I don't like lotion. It's too much cleanup afterwards. Just use a little bit. Why are you doing the whole bottle? A little bit. OK. So what happens here?

You're laying on your back. You're just, are you spitting on your hand? Are you doing anything at all? You're literally just skin to skin? Yeah, just using the muscles in my hand. Oh, you're just punishing yourself with this awkward, dry hand job. This is incredible. So how long does it take you?

Because I'm guessing 45 minutes to an hour. It would probably take... It took about six minutes. Wow. OK. That's a very specific number. In fact, I'm positive it took six minutes. Interesting.

And did you finish before her? I think she finished before me. Oh, she's a good liar. OK. Was she using a toy or was she just no toy? No, she's just fingers only as well. Fingers only. Nothing for her either.

You guys are a loof free couple. No faces, no video, no loo. No joy, no pleasure. No enjoyment whatsoever. Very interesting. Have you guys ever thought about masturbating with like the cans in a string or something like that? Or perhaps Morisco like...

I don't know. All right, this is stupid. This is a dumb show. This show is already stupid tonight. So Hans, she finishes first, then you finish. Where do you finish? You're so worried about cleanup that lotion's a problem. I'm interested to know what your cum game is like.

You know what I'm saying? Well, I have got the toilet paper from the bathroom. Oh. And put it by the bed. Oh, shit. And I was drunk. I kind of like, you know, like, I like to do a good little pocket, but this was more like a mummy situation.

Oh, my God. The old mummy and daddy. Holy shit. So you have a bundle of toilet paper next to you. You're just raw-dogging your own hand. And then you finish. Where does the... Where does it go?

You stack the toilet paper on your belly. You lean into it. What's going on here? I have it in my left hand. My right hand is the jerk hand. Oh, my God. You're so excited to clean up. You're such a clean freak that you actually keep the toilet paper

in your other hand the whole time. Yeah. Wow. You make it difficult, though. You make it jerking off hard. You're in a hotel room, like the left side of the bed. That's where you jerk off. And you, like, roll around.

Red band sliding his stand up into the fucking shirt. I mean, it's just common knowledge. Red band just sacrificed his closer. I usually get two beds, and that's my jerk off fuck bag. You son of a bitch. Two queens and a joker over here. All right. Hans, I love it.

I love it. Another new minute, another amazing performance, and an incredibly compelling interview. Nobody does it quite like you do. You're on the road. Actually, you're on the road next week with Rogan, and I have to do sold out shows in Salt Lake City, Utah. So you're going to be out there all on your own.

Are you nervous about this one? Oh, shit. Yeah, I didn't know that. It's my first time leaving you alone with Joe, so don't fuck it up. Oh, that was honest. I mean, I protect him a lot, by the way. We're out there.

He does weird fucking shit. I'm like, Hans, stop her. He's going to see you. Yeah, I'll be really quiet. Picks up his rib eye with his hand. Sometimes I'm like, Hans. He's an animal. He is a ruthless animal, but all he does is fucking

writes jokes. He stares at his spreadsheet that's on his phone. He does everything right. He's a fuck. He's the rain man of Kill Tony. And we love him. There he goes. One more time for Hans Kim, everybody.

He is Hans Kim. He is Hans Kim. Hans Kim, H-A-N-S-K-I-M. He is Hans Kim. All right, now to the bucket we go. This is where shit gets a little bit wilder, because it could be you that signed up tonight. No, some people are like, nope.

But who knows? Could be somebody's first time. Could be Miss Amio. What are you doing walking around talking to strangers? Go find a seat, you crazy fucking goose. We have the most insane fan base ever here. This is literally the mother from Requiem for a Dream. You might recognize her from a few episodes ago.

She's crazier than shit, but we love her. All right, your first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Marceline Amaris, everyone. Here we go. What is this song you guys keep playing? I hope you like this song. They're going to only playing this tonight. All right, one more time for Marceline Amaris.

Thank you guys. So I decided to grow my hair out recently. So if you see my pussy start to bulge, don't worry about it. I'll braid it later. It's fine. My mother always taught me to be very vulnerable and honest. And she led by example, like the time she told me she didn't like me. Yeah, that was cool.

But I honestly think we both could have done better. I could have had white parents. Like a trust one maybe, just a suggestion. But instead I had Turkish parents, which if you don't know is like the Mexicans of Russia. Yeah, we'll commit genocide too, but we'll do it for half the price, baby. Growing up in Turkey was a lot different. The kids played different there. So like instead of playing hide and seek, we just wrestle, you know.

And the only time I've had to wrestle in America was when I said no. Thank you guys. All right. Very good. I didn't really get that last one. Why would you have to wrestle if you say no? It's a rape joke. Oh, you're saying, wait, you're saying you get raped here more in America than you would in Turkey?

A lawless, pretty much a lawless country, right? They don't, uh, kind of, maybe. I haven't been there in 12 years. I don't know what's happened to the laws. Right, right, right, right, right. Okay, uh, why haven't you been there in 12 years? Um, well, my mom never wanted to pay for my ticket, so I just didn't go. Your return ticket?

I don't speak Turkish. You're going to have to, uh, switch over to American English. All right. Uh, so you are Turkish. You've been here for 12 years. Uh, no, I've been here, uh, almost 19 years total. Okay, and you came with your whole family? Uh, came brother and mom.

Brother and mom? What's dad up to out there making cigarettes or something like that? The Turkish camels are the okey-dokey. Uh, no, uh, he dug a hole and now he lays in it. Huh? He's dead. Oh, that's right. Okay, look out.

Look out, the old turkey jerky. Uh, how did dad die? What, how? Yeah. Uh, he was a cop and he got shot. Yeah, and his line of work. Okay. Incredible.

And did that happen, that happened 19 years ago? Is that why you guys? Uh, that happened 1999. Oh, okay. So I was only like two years old. I was born in 97. Okay. Hell yeah.

All right. 99, still a good year for the Middle East part of the, uh, world. A couple years away from some real fucking, you know what I mean? Some of that American rapey power, you know what I'm saying? We'll drop bombs. Anyway, uh, so, um, greatest country in the world. What else do I have here? Uh, you mentioned that you stopped shaving.

So if your pussy starts at a bulge, you're talking about pubic hair? Yeah. Okay, just making sure. That was good. It took me a second to catch that. I was like, what is this? Got a fro down there. That's lit.

Derek's always keeping an eye out for a bulging pussy. I don't know. She said it. And I looked down. I was like, this blind ass bitch, right? So be aware. That's the first people. That's what people look when you say that joke.

Yeah. We're, we're waiting. All right. Uh, what Turkish, Turkish pubic hair seems disgusting. Whoa. That's the most racist thing that's ever been said on the stage before. Why, why do that? Why do that?

I, I don't, I don't just grow it out to braid it. You know, that was a one time thing. Right. That was a one time experiment. Right. Um, no, it stays a nice trim. We keep it, uh, nice and clean, you know. Okie dokie.

Yeah. Um, very cool. How long have you been doing stand up comedy for Marceline? Uh, a year now. Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas. Yeah. What made your Turkish family pick Texas?

They didn't. I did. I was still in Louisiana. Whoa. What made them pick Louisiana? Um, my, uh, my stepdad, my white stepdad, uh, he got a teaching job there. Okay. Yeah.

Is he sort of like a, like a Louisiana guy, like bar, bar, bar, bar. They have a whole thing to them. They're not, they're really, I mean, some of them are smart. I forgot I have some friends up there from Louisiana. Yeah. Some of them are, some of them are smart. Good hang. You know what I mean?

But is he one of those like Derpity Derp, Louisiana people? Oh. A little bit. Your mother. Yeah. Your mother and me be making a love. Oh, they don't go like this, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Every time I like this. Yeah. I'm from Shreveport. Hell yeah. Hey. Someone knows this fucking Zatarans bullshit. Okay.

So you're in Louisiana. What does the white stepdad do? Uh, he is a professor teaching communications. Okay. At a university. And how about you? What do you do for a living? Been on stand up for a year?

Yeah. I, um, I nanny. Ah, the old Turkish nanny. The old Turkish nanny. All right. And you're taking care of primarily, uh, that is the sound of the Turkish nanny indeed. There it is. Uh, what's the craziest problem that you've ever had nannying a kid?

What's your age range there? What are we talking about? We like Penn State or Michael Jackson nannying? Like what kind of, what's your range? Uh, every kid I've taken care of has been under two years old. Whoa. Very. Okay.

Very trusting. Um, and you will do, what do you do? You feed the babies and whatnot. Feed him. All right. I'm, it's, I'm showing my colors here. I don't know what nannies do exactly. Uh, I've never heard of this job before.

This is all new to me. Do you change diapers? Yeah. Okay. That's part of the job. Right. All right. I get it.

Uh, okay. So a year in stand up, you're nannying for a living. Did you go to college? I went to college for two years and dropped out. All right. Yeah. What did you study there? Graphic design.

Okay. Kind of fuck shit, you know. Right. And you're not going to, what are your, what are your big goals? Just make it as a stand up now. Um, stand up is a good time. I don't know if this is where I'll make it, but I'm just kind of applying myself. Any and everywhere.

I'm still young. So yeah. Do whatever I want. Absolutely. That's the right attitude. Marceline, you came in. Uh, that was very, very fun. Welcome, uh, to kill Tony.

Here's a joke book to take with you. That is an official Texas leather joke book by the great bones. I make some noise for Marceline Amaris. Everybody. All right. I loved her in canto. All right. Little Turkish band is on strike.

Yeah. What's going, what is this song? You're playing, they're playing Hans Kim song over here. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sandrell Ross. It's Sandrell Ross. It's Sandrell Ross. It is Sandrell.

All right. Hey, what's up, people? I did not know, no, I was going to go up. So, um, I'm married. Yes. I got me one. Ladies, I got me one. Yes, get yours.

Because it's scarce out there, you know. Um, but my husband, he has a disability. And you have to take care of people with disabilities, right? You have to take care of those people. Like his legs aren't the same size. One of his legs is bigger than the other two. You know what I'm saying? You feel me, girl, you feel me?

I take off to work for that disability. That's what I'm trying to say, you know. He actually just is out of disabilities because after he's through with me, I can't walk. Um, I'm still waiting on my sticker, you know. So I can roll my ass where I'm trying to go. Getting that front parking spot is what I'm trying to say. But I love him. I love him so much.

Um, I'm gonna rape him tonight. That's my time. Sandrell Ross has arrived to kill Tony. This is very, very exciting. Welcome to the show, Sandrell. Hi, Tony. How are you? I'm good, how you doing?

Good. You've been doing stand-up a while? So, um, it's a funny thing. I started stand-up again this year. Okay. What's the funny part? Uh, cause I stopped. Oh, you stopped?

How long were you doing it before you stopped? Um, I was doing it for some time. Oh, what the fuck was that? What was that? I saw that. D-Madness. You guys are right up there. You got it under control.

Table, whatever. Jesus fucking Christ. Do I know him? I don't. I don't know. It's wild. It's probably race-related. Yeah, probably.

It is. It is pretty exciting to go from turkey to fried chicken this quick earlier in the night. Thank you. Part Asian, so... Oh, you are? What kind of Asian are you? Um, Chinese.

Wow. I'd love to see you tell them that. I'd love to... I'd love to see their reaction to that. Oh, no. Yeah, that's what they say. No. You're not Chinese.

I'm like... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh. We're gonna have to edit that part out, by the way. So that was just for you guys. Keep it in. That is very true. They tell me, no, you're not.

I can see it. It's right here. You want to see it? You see it? I can see it. Oh, she's totally Blasian. I've never actually met one. Black and East Asian, you know?

Okay, so can you drive or not? And where do you get the car? It's just a... I feel like... Just a low rider with hydraulics going 45 miles an hour in the fast lane. I'm like, oh, she is Chinese after all. This is great. Get over her.

But I keep the rim spinning. I keep the rim spinning. I love your style, Sandrel. Very, very cool. The mom's Asian, right? Yeah, my mom's Asian. Oh, absolutely. Hell yeah.

Are you kidding me? Never in the history has there been a Chinese guy that's bagged a black girl, you know? That is impossible. That is... It has never happened before. I've seen Hans Kim try. Trust me. It has never happened.

I believe the exact words were, oh, hell no. That I heard. I love it. And now you're with a black man. You're married to a black man? Yes. Right, indeed. I could tell because only in that world is a dick bigger than two legs.

Yes. It's true. So true. Absolutely incredible. What does he do for work? He's a comedian as well. Oh, okay. Yeah, he's here.

All right. Okay. So what do you do for a living? I'm doing this full time now, but I wasn't a accountant before. Oh, my God. That's incredible. How long have you been married for? Seven years.

Seven years? Yeah. And he does comedy. Has he ever been on the show? No, he hasn't. What's his name? Yeah. Mickey Housley.

Should we get a minute from her boy, her husband? Ladies and gentlemen, you stay up here. Here with a brand new minute, his first time on the show. Make some noise for her husband, Mickey Houser, everybody. Here we go. Big dick energy coming at you. Big dick! Oh, shit.

He's doing the seawall. Oh, he's got a big dick. Oh, shit. I actually know what those gang signs mean. Oh, shit. I'm friends with Danny Brown. I know what that means. One more time for Mickey Houser, everybody.

Yeah. Okay, so I was actually tricked into doing this show actually coming out here. Yeah. My friend was telling me. I was like, man, Mickey, you and your wife, y'all got to do the Kill Tony show. Don't worry. It's going to be a bunch of black people. You'll be comfortable.

And not quite. You are not black. You're like black-ish. Appreciate you for coming, sir. I don't even think you was coming here. They just pulled you. Hey, come here real quick, please. I feel very uncomfortable.

Thank you. As you can see, I am married a little bit. No, no, no. Stop, stop. Okay. I love my wife because the Bible says do that. And it does. It does.

I'm a man. And you don't read your Bibles. Holy shit. Mickey Houser, no doubt about it. You do do this for a living. Complete control of the room. Absolute thunder and lightning. Seawalked his way up here through gang signs representing both the east and the west side at one point.

I do believe I saw. He has every coast covered, comes up, absolutely lights the room on fire. Very fucking cool. This is my favorite fucking Tyler Perry production I've ever put on. This is absolutely incredible. My goodness. Incredible. Mickey, welcome to the show.

You guys are just an adorable couple. Appreciate it. My mind is completely blown. I absolutely love this. How long have you guys lived in Austin? As of six, five, six months. I love it. Absolutely.

How do you like it so far? It's cool. A lot of potholes. Yeah. There are a lot of potholes. Crack heads. Yep. Potholes and crack heads.

There is no doubt about that. What part of town are you guys living in? We up with North 620. 620 on them. By Travis Lake. Okay. All right. Travis Lake.

He's going to say up with the white people. Yeah, I love that. Hey, hey, brag. No, no. Don't be ashamed, man. Go ahead. I got good credit. I don't.

I can't put my name on nothing. Hey, you can put your dick on it though. Yeah. Don't you worry about it. Yeah. Exactly. That's right. Who needs credit when you're on disability?

Right. You know what I mean? It's on disability. That ability. He's got it all. Wow. I love it. So what's it like up there in Lake Travis?

Is this like a get out situation? Are they welcoming to you people there? I hope they're nice. We just got out the second place. It's cool. Yeah. Just, you know, we out there by the oasis. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We like it. We like that. All right. You're hiding from Will Smith? I want to say that too.

If anybody thought about slapping me, I want to say I'm not Chris Rock. Okay. I will press charges on your ass. Absolutely. 100%. I love it. So have you guys hit up the lake since being moving there? Have you guys done anything out there?

No, we haven't hit up the lake, but we're going in July 4th. Okay. July 4th. You're going to do it. You're going to release yourself to the neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to go back.

She's all right. I think she's part Chinese or something like that. She said, I'm going to ignore what I see. Because look at her eyes, babe. Look at her eyes. She's okay. They must be opening up one of their restaurants or something. I love it.

Sandrel Ross and Mickey Hauser. How long have you been doing stand up, Mickey? I'm an OG. Right. Sandrel. There's no doubt about it. You're overqualified for this position and it shows. 12 years.

12 years. Very good. Absolutely. You came up and you did it like you've been doing at 12 years. That's what 12 years looks like. And where were you guys at before you moved here? We from Houston. Yeah.

Oh, shit. There's more black people over there. Look at that. I can see they're floating yellow bracelets from here. Very good. Deep, deep. Spend some time in Chicago too. And then the pandemic brought us back home.

That's good. That's good. It's good to be here during these crazy times. It is a well run state. No doubt about it. I just doubt what you said. The floating bracelets. That nigga's dark as hell.

You see that? You see that? I mean, look at it. It's literally. It's just a bracelet in the air. Make some noise for Killer Mike is here, everybody. From Run the Jewels. Oh, wow.

That was very good. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, shit. All right. Yeah, we got you got it from Houston. You know, you know, this place is awesome.

You let me down. Yeah. That's Lee. He's a little bit thick, though. He looks like he's been sipping on maple syrup. Okay. Okay. I love it.

I love it. Mickey and Sundrell. You guys are legit comedians. Red band. You know, I'd love to have you both on the secret show. Wow. Dreams coming. True.

Hey, no, no, no lie. No lie. I had a dream that I was going to be up here last night. That's why I came. Literally, your dreams are coming true. There's two large show books from the Great Bones Eye. You're going to get paid to do standup comedy on Thursday on a real show with real comedians, the best show in town.

Thank you guys so much for coming. There they go. Sundrell and Mickey Hauser. Sundrell Ross and Mickey Hauser. What a show so far. That was great. Very exciting. You guys having fun yet?

God damn right. Okay. This looks like a new name. No doubt about it. Make some noise for Seamus. Oh, Wallachane. Oh, Wallachane. There he is.

Make some noise for Seamus. One more time, everybody. So about a year ago, I found out that I have a golf ball-sized tumor in my skull. But after a very scary few months, the neurosurgeon says that he thinks that it's benign and does not affect me mentally. But I did just start season 16 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, so I think I'm fucking brain dead. I had many questions about the tumor.

So to get answers, I took mushrooms. And in its own words, I let my tumor tell me its side of the story. A few days after, I went around to my sister's house to tell her about this magic psychedelic experience. And she said, Seamus, you have to be careful. Psychedelics can trigger schizophrenia. I found that strange because I don't have a sister. I do have a sister.

She's very real. She said that only drug users would laugh at that story. I'm pretty new to stand-up comedy. It's actually you two to kill Tony that I got into it. And I got given one piece of golden advice. Never, ever, ever do drugs and perform. You'll mix up your bits. You'll fuck up your lines.

And you'll repeat the same jokes twice. And I find that strange because I don't have a sister. Thank you. Seamus, oh, valet chain? Am I saying that correctly? Look how happy you are. That is absolutely incredible. It's a hula con.

It's Gaelic. It roughly translates to Tony Hinchcliffe will never pronounce this. Say it again. Oh hula con. Oh hula con. Oh hula con. Oh hula con. Oh hula con.

Like hula. Seamus, oh hula con. Yeah, there's three A's. So I said it right? Yeah, I hate you. She looks like you were wrong. Son of a bitch. I'm American.

We'll pronounce everything right. I'm from the state of Ohio where we enunciate. OK? You guys don't know what that is because you don't know what national championships are. So it's a different thing. It's a different thing. Maybe one day we'll send you guys some players. Yeah, look at this angry guy from Round Rock right here.

All right. Seamus, let's talk about it. How long have you been in the greatest country in the world? Oh, so this trip about a week. OK. So you're really out there. You're in Ireland living it up, living that fucking Hogwarts lifestyle, right? And then, so how did you get here?

Which rainbow did you take exactly to make your way? All right. It's a strange story to be back here actually. I was sitting there three months ago. Right. And the guy on my left got called up. The guy on my right gets called up. The guy behind me gets called up.

Every round I got to call up. The guy got to call up. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's go. Hey. The guy to me left. The guy to me right. Wow.

Absolutely incredible. That was in his DNA. He had to do that. Oh my goodness. Oh, God. Wow. The crowd is in shambles right now. They've never seen a man bend that way

here in the state of Texas. That is absolutely shocking. You must have no dick at all to be able to do that. Incredible. I think he could never, bro. Got the old fucking pot of gold back there, this fucking. All right, so let's talk about it, Seamus. What do you do for work?

What is an Irishman like you do? I'm a programmer. Oh, OK. What are you programming? E-commerce, productivity apps, big data, small data, medium data. OK. All right.

I'm guessing your data is pretty tiny. You know what I'm saying? I don't know if you heard of my friend Mickey Hauser, but... So you had a tumor. How big was your tumor? It is the size of a golf ball. Do you want to feel it? Oh, do you want to feel it?

Yeah. Oh, it's still in there? Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Don't touch it. You think America has bad health care? Look at this guy. It's like, no, you can feel it if you want to.

That's disgusting. Absolutely, Seamus. Why would you touch? He's Irish, these people. They use soap all the time. They're very clean people. Irish spring. Irish spring.

It's a soap joke, everybody. I don't get to do soap jokes very often. Have you heard of Irish spring? Do you know what that is? I just call it soap. What soap? Yeah. It's just called spring where I live, Tony.

The guy that'll love to me, the guy that'll be right. The guy that'll love to me, the guy that'll be right. All right, so the guy that'll love to you gets pulled. The guy to the right of you gets pulled. Where's the story going? So afterwards, I go upstairs. I get chatting to the gentleman and scholar, Hans Kim. And I just get...

And there was also a comedian who... I won't say who it is, but they made me smoke more weed than I was comfortable with. Okay. All right. I don't know, I left that night just on such a buzz and probably too high. I was like, I gotta try stand-up.

And this was very recent. This is three months ago. So this is your first time doing stand-up? I went back to Ireland. Started doing at least 30 minutes of writing and practicing a day, hit all the open mics, so which there's one a week in Dublin. Shout out to Giggles Comedy and Balls Bridge.

Giggles. Yeah, just... You're shouting out comedy clubs in Ireland right now? Jesus Christ. Yeah. But yeah, I built up my five minutes and I came back. I actually booked the next three shows just to try and make sure I got a chance, so...

Wow. It's actually pretty fucking crazy to be off here. Your dreams are coming true. This is my... Isn't that interesting? Two times... USA! USA! This is two people in a row that have said

that they are literally dreaming about this and now it is happening. So Seamus, I noticed that you have quotations around the Seamus. Why is that? I was actually gonna write my name phonetically because I wasn't really sure if you could pronounce it. Why do you think I have such pronounce issues?

Pronunciation. My issues. He's in the writer's guild. Shut the fuck up. I hate you guys. All right, so Seamus, you work a boring day-to-job. What's your love life like?

What's that like for you? At the moment, pretty non-existent. Right. How about recently? You on any of the dating sites? You on... No, the last girl has kind of seen when I told her about the tumor,

she said she wanted something long-term. So... Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, look at you, you goofy ass motherfucker. You silly fuck.

You can't even fucking be cool. You just are so happy. It's incredible. There's serotonin leaking from your ears right now. I've never seen anything like it. So when's the last time you went on a date? I don't know. Too long.

Too long. Too long? How long? Probably like six months ago. You ever get lucky with an American girl when you've been here? I have. Wow. That was actually pretty uncomfortable

because she showed up, this was in San Francisco, and she showed up like extremely high at her first date. Extremely what? So she, like extremely high. High. Like cannabis high, you know?

Okay, cannabis high. This is... Z-Europe speak, everybody. Here, she's smoking a cannabis. Okay. She's cannabis high. But we actually... Yes, keep going, officer.

Let's hear more. She's smoking the cannabis. We went back to... We went back to where I was staying, and she passed out on my bed, and now I'm freaked out because I got a stranger here. So, like,

I guess to try and make her feel safe when she woke up, I built like a pillow wall and put up my pajamas. And then, like, just because I didn't want this stranger waking up and being like, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Hold on. You don't even know what's funny to Americans. Hold on a second. You went way too fast there because you're so polite. You did what? So she's on one side of the bed,

right? And you don't want to be rapey. Or is she under the covers or over the covers? Well, like, she's, like, she's, I don't know, like, panned out. Sloppy. Sloppy.

Typical high on cannabis bullshit. Did you try to wake her up first before you built a fort? No. So she's on the left of me and there's nothing on the right. Okay. So she's halfway under the covers,

over the covers. You have, like, actual pajamas that are, like, flannel because you're Irish, right? You tuck them in to your pants. You, like, actually tie the draw string, right? You got that butt slap. You do all this Irish shit, right?

Am I correct? Am I correct? That is... What do your pajamas look like? Can you describe them for us, please? They actually have two types. I have, like, the... I do, legitimately, have a night shirt,

which is gonna... A night shirt. But the... Have you ever heard of such a thing? But I do have the, you know, like, the white and blue striped ones or the blue ones. Oh, my God.

Do you have a fucking sleeping hat and a candlestick, too? This is incredible. This is the most European bullshit I've ever heard. How many of you think we should get this guy the fuck out of our country right now? Irish people are one of the only races

where it's funny to tell them to go back to their country, by the way. Everybody else thinks it's a little weird. Irish people, everybody's like, Good one. England works for that, too. England works if you're a student of my Patreon. England works, too.

I'm kidding. Okay. Shame us. So, most interesting thing about your life, before we let you go, it's been an incredibly interesting interview. Benign tumor, did I ask? Yeah, benign.

And is it getting bigger? I mean, the last CT scan, no. Like, it was... So, the fucking radiologist, when it first came back, I went to get tinnitus checked out. I had a ring in my ear, and I went to get a check out,

get the scan. Tinnitus is actually how that's pronounced in... Tomato tomato, yeah. Are you sure about that? Yeah. Yeah, I am. Tinnitus. Okay.

But yeah, they first said that it was a fucking thing called a plasma satoma, which you have, like, I think up to five years to live. But fortunately, it turned out not to be that and to be benign, but... Oh, my goodness.

It's a pretty good wake-up call. Did you start, like, afterwards? You're like, I'm fucking hookers, I'm doing heroin. Yeah, how long did you think you had five years? How long was that span of time? That was three months. Whoa.

Yeah, so... Tell us about what those three months were like. Well, I mean, going to bed, it was on my mind every night. Every night, right? You're like, this is that. This is... No, like, honestly, it's pretty fun.

Like, yeah, I think you... I don't know. It just basically put a lot of stuff in perspective and made me do things, make me want to put myself out there more. And like... Yeah. And look at you now.

Out here, having fun, living your dreams, fresh off the boat of Ireland. And you did it. You did exactly what you wanted to do last week or last time you were here. Guy to the left of you. Guy to your right.

Now, right down the middle. You got it. You came up. You were interesting. Congratulations, Sheamus. Thank you so much. Sheamus, take one of these. Good luck sneaking that up your ass back to Ireland.

Back to the bucket we go. Very, very interesting pulls so far. Let's see if we can keep this momentum going. Make some noise for Marcus Miser or Meehan or Meecher. Or Miser. It's Marcus Meeha. What's good, son?

Okay, uh... What is up, dude? I, uh... Think I hate Italians. Which is confusing because I think I am Italian, dude. Uh, I never done, like, a 23 and Mee or, like, an ancestry.com or whatever.

You know, the thing where you, like, shove a Q-tip up your ass and then mail it to the government or you, like, bust a nut in an envelope and some dude in a rainbow-cover lab coat is just like... I think he's Puerto Rican! I think he's Puerto Rican! Just some gay wine connoisseur, like...

Oh, yeah, he's 15% Jew for sure, dude. You look disgusted. Damn it, dude. I always noticed the hot girls just fucking wanting me to die. I don't know, dude. That huge cock guy came up and I got, like, big dick energy, too,

and I got regular dick penis, so it's a bit of a juxtaposition. I don't know. Fucking... All I can do... Yeah, okay, cool. Let's fucking... Yeah.

Absolutely. Marcus. Welcome to the show. Hey, what's good? Marcus, how are you? Is this your first time on? Yeah, I just moved here from Albany, New York. Albany, New York.

Well, welcome, welcome. Hell yeah. You weren't at the Topps grocery store this past weekend, were you? Yeah, yeah. Buffalo and Albany are all the same. Trust me, they're all just shit-hole northern New York.

Oh, shit. I pissed D-Madness off. There he goes. All right. Marcus, I'm guessing, by the way, you're dressed. You just graduated seventh grade. Am I correct?

No, dude, I... I'm just not acclimated to the climate. My fucking nut sack has just drenched at all times when I walk outside here, so... Yeah, it is tricky here. Get ready. Summer is coming. It is very, very tricky out here.

Big climate difference that you're in for. What were you doing for work in Albany? I actually worked in an apartment complex and was waiting to move here, trying to get a marketing job while I do stand up. And that's... Now you're looking for a job is what you're saying? Yeah, I got a couple of interviews lined up

and hopefully I'm not a loser for that long, but... Right. I'm really nervous right now. This is fucking weird. No, yeah, you're on. You're in it. No, dude. No, yeah, totally, totally.

Absolutely. It's okay. Just don't talk about... Don't talk about it out loud. That's a big part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. It's show business.

This whole thing could fail at any point. You just got to play it cool, Marcus. You're bringing real Albany energies here right now. I'm going to be honest with you, Tony. I'm pretty nervous. I love it. You said that you have a regular dick. What's a regular dick to you?

I don't know. It's just not cool to come up and talk about how awesome your dick is. Your dick is rather played off like it's way worse. You know what I mean? So your dick is awesome. No, no, no, no, no, no. For sure not.

Hey, Yuma, are you just playing with us? Oh, he scratched his nose. You know what that means. No, it's fucking... It's not remarkable in any way, but it's definitely not like the saddest thing that's on my body, for sure. I'm interested to know...

What's the saddest thing? I'm interested to know... The world needs to know what is the saddest part of your body. You have like a permanently closed butthole or something like that. You just fucking drop Trow and I'm flat behind. No, I...

I don't know. I had a janky toenail the other day that I had to rip out of my foot. Jesus Christ. You know what I said that out loud and was a lot more disgusted by it. So I don't. I got cool toes.

If you are interested in being my wife, I really... Sure you do, Frodo. All right. Fuck you, dude. Marcus, what are you into for fun? What do you like to do for fun? You seem like a big ecstasy guy.

No, I don't really... I don't do any... I don't really do any drugs or drink. I kind of just do a lot of stand-up. I started taking edibles when I was 24. Oh, so you've had a cannabis high before? How about for fun, not stand-up? There must be something.

Some hobbies. I played basketball the other day and some... I literally just got here and some kid invited us to a rooftop party from basketball and there was just way too many hot girls and it was very unusual.

Not normal for Albany, I guess. Right. Right. I had a lot of bitches with hairy shoulders back home. Right. Turkish girls. No doubt about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, for sure. No doubt about it. So you didn't leave a girl in Albany? You didn't have a girlfriend or anything like that? No, no, no, no. I would like to have had a girlfriend but yeah, I had to leave so I'm not going to be like,

oh, I love you, bye. And then just fucking dip to Austin. So... Jesus. I feel like somebody said, oh, that felt... Yeah, you're making me nervous up here, dude. Yeah, it's my face.

Interesting stuff, Marcus. Interesting stuff. So you're playing basketball, you're good at basketball? No, I can... I can't dribble. Oh. But I was actually,

I was kind of lights out, kind of swishing a lot of shots, but I mean, any other day I could be just slamming in the backboard, but... Yeah, everything you say sounds gay. Yeah. I was like, the balls were dribbling

all over my butt backside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a lot of people ask me after a set if I'm bisexual and I'm like, whatever, dude, if I'm giving off that... A lot of people also think I fight gay people, so it's like a weird balance.

I'm trying to, I mean... I'm trying to, like, not be threatened. I got my arms by my back. You've claimed that I was the buffalo shooter, so I'm really trying to, fucking, immediately change that, because if I walk up here and I'm just fucking like...

Right. Yeah, I like that, dude. I'm fucking all right, but like it's not... Fuck shit, dawg. Yeah, I don't know. It's not cool to be fucking almost handsome and confident,

so I'm trying to be a little bit, you know... But the other... Yeah, I am very... You said not to mention it, but like, dude, my nipples are on fire right now. I'm so sweaty.

It's fucking unbelievable. I drove like in a car, in a piece of shit lesbian vehicle through Arkansas. Some guy tried to fuck me at a gas station. It's just not... Wow. It's...

I'm trying to like... What gas station was it? Yo, shout out Bucky's, bro. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. If you like to fuckies, go to Bucky's. You know what I'm saying?

Some guy was trying to get you to come out of your shell. You know what I'm saying? These are gay gas station jokes, everybody. Very rarely do I get to do... I think... Gay gas station jokes.

I think he was cool. I just not used to people like being nice for no reason, so he was like, I was the weather in New York, and I was like, shut the fuck up, dude. I just like,

whenever you're like... People are like... I was like, what do you want? I thought his friend turned me into one of them, but I don't fucking know. Yes.

I was just driving through, not trying to live in Arkansas forever, so... Right. I was just... Oh, it's good, it's warm, and then just left. Just on the run from Arkansas,

living that Marty Bird life out there. Yeah, right. Okay. Marcus, most interesting thing about the history of your life before I let you go, like a real fun fact about you,

like, oh, my parents were blah, blah, blah, blah, they were both murdered by a... I don't know, I'm trying to fucking make it and stand up so I can stop being himself with Xanax. Oh.

That's kind of a lot more sad than I wanted it to be, but... Yeah. No, it's just fucking, I don't know, just keep doing this, try and get as good at this as possible.

You know that if you use some of his Xanax, you'll be less nervous. Yeah, yeah, and I'll make my mom devastated. It is. Mom, I'm doing it too. That's why we made it.

I'm doing Xanax. I'm not making it in comedy. Remind us again how long you've been doing stand-up comedy. It's 18, I'm 25, so seven and a half years.

Seven and a half years. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday also. Wow, look at that. Another one. This is incredible. Absolutely. Sure.

Here you go, Marcus. Take one of those. That's real Texas leather right there. Can't get a joke book like that in Albany. That's made by the great Bonesi. Follow him on Instagram.

Bonesi with a Z in the middle. Okay. Your next comedian. We're keeping this fun train moving along. Make sure you follow him on Instagram. Bonesi with a Z in the middle.

Okay. Your next comedian. We're keeping this fun train moving along. Make some noise for Alex Olinger. Alex Olinger is here, everybody. One more time for Alex. Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's good to be here following Marcus. Was this not the blackest show to the whitest show ever? So fucking quickly. Tony set a bunch of racist shit and then had to bring the Irish dude out to fucking save it.

I'm a welder, man. Anybody do construction? Hell yeah, dude. I love construction. It's like Legos for felons. Yeah, dude, it's great. Do a little cocaine. Climb a building.

You're Redneck Spider-Man. Love that shit. Been trying to dress better, man. I just... There's like certain shit I can't wear right now. I've been trying to dress better, man.

There's like certain shit I can't wear though because I'm so short, you know? Like I can't wear bath robes, dude. No, dude, I can't. I look too mystical. I'm trying to get laid. I can't be out here

looking like a sorcerer and shit. You can't see my feet, dude. It looks like I'm levitating when I walk. It's the whole thing. It's like I'm an adult. I can't look like a fucking wizard. Hey, fuck it.

Yeah, thank you. Alex Olinger. Jesus Christ. Very, very good, Alex. Your show's scaring the shit out of me, bro. Why? What's wrong? You're just your eyes, man.

This is the second week in a row somebody's mentioned that my eyes are scaring them. They're intense, man. It is incredible. Your Rick Moranis energies make me nervous. Little cutie pie you are, Alex.

How old are you, sir? I'm 30. You're 30 years old and you're out there welding. Yeah. You wear the mask thing and you fire things. I totally don't know shit about that.

You're goddamn right. You fire it up and then it goes, right? These hands say ten years in the writer's guild, my friend. Are they nice and soft? Oh, so soft.

Hell yeah. I have no idea. They're so soft, actually. I can make Hans Kim come in three seconds. No lube whatsoever. Just fucking... Tank, tank, tank.

Somebody needs a bundle of toilet paper. You know what I mean? Alex Olinger. Yeah. You are absolutely adorable. You come up here. Thank you. Full, full, full entertainment.

Just come... Thank you. Straight Joe Pesci energies up here. Just guns ablazing. I'm glad it's like Joe Pesci, not like Danny DeVito or something. Right.

Some other like short dude. I was gonna say that next, but okay. No. So, Alex, tell us about your life. Have you ever... You mentioned felons in construction. Have you ever been arrested?

I have not. Never. I just smile at them, you know? You ever almost get arrested? No. Never. That's kind of crazy, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. I know people have been arrested. Right. But I've never actually been arrested. Right. Have you ever been pulled over? Yeah. Okay.

What were you doing? I was speeding. Ah, did you get a ticket? Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, my goodness. Wow. It's a hell of a conversation.

Yeah. No, it's good. It's good. You're on a podcast, and this is called an interview. Oh, I love it. Yeah. Wow.

Podcast, huh? It's incredible. Comedy, jokes. The microphone picks up the sound, and it's recorded for eternity. What? Yeah. Oh, shit, man.

Shouldn't have came up talking shit about you. I love it. You're good. You're good. Oh, thank you. Alex, so what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? You seem like a guy that has defined hobbies.

You have, in your closet, you have something that you do. It's like a bow or a golf bag or something. There's something in there. A bow. I, uh... I'm just guessing here. You would know the answer to this. I don't actually know the answer.

No, you're right. I gather myself. So there's something... I love to write. Okay. I really love writing. All right. I'm guessing short stories.

You son of a bitch. That was cheap, Tony. No, no. That was low, Tony. I got a lot more where that came from. That was low. I got it. A lot of weird noises coming from the venue tonight.

I love it. Okay. So you write. What else? Come on. You got to give me something better than writing. What's dangerous about you, Alex? My fucking tats, dude.

Whoa, that is true. I do see a sword going through a flower, which is a very interesting thing, because why would you do that? Why would you stab a flower? Why would you stab a flower, Alex? Because I'm fucking mysterious, dude. What the fuck do you offer me?

Wait, what is that on the inside of your wrist there? It says happiness. Happiness. Oh my God. It's going to be an awkward day. Dude, I should not have brought up the tattoos. You have any on your chest? No, I have some on my shoulder.

Okay. What's on your shoulder? It's a, I got a panther right there. Whoa, a black panther. Look out. Oh my goodness. Oh shit. Big Malcolm X fan, everybody.

This is for you, Martin. Oh my goodness. Are you talking to Martin Lawrence? Okay. Wow. Okay. Alex. All right.

What scares you? Getting fucked in the butt. Wow. Those are the words of a guy that definitely wants to get fucked in the ass sometime. You know what I mean? He's just trying to fit in with the Texans here. Yeah.

I don't, I don't do that. Well, I don't get fucked in the butt. Never. Oh my. Never thought about it. My goodness. It scares you? Yeah.

It's like, it's got to go all the way in there. You know? You have nightmares about it ever? No. You never have nightmares where that happens to you and you wake up and come? That's not a nightmare. You're like, no, yes, no, yes.

My girlfriend's like, are you dreaming about me? No, absolutely not. You have a girlfriend? I do, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. How long have you been with this bag of bones?

I don't know what she looks like. So it's just an adorable... Like six or seven months? Is she taller than you? No, she's shorter than me. Are you sure? Is she, is she here right now? Is she in fifth grade?

No, she's not. Okay. Okay. Red Band. Be nice. Don't make jokes about him. I'm just kidding. Okay.

So where'd you guys meet? What? Chuck E. Cheese? We met. We, uh... Look at me up. We met on my buddies... So you're a little bit old to be here, but luckily you're not over our height requirement,

so have a blast. Put your shoes in the... Put your shoes on the shelf. We... We met on my... We were staying at my buddy's apartment and we were sleeping on his living room floor. Oh. That's where we met.

Okay. Is that... Nandy, were you sleeping on the floor because you can't get up into the bed? Is that... No, don't leave. Don't leave. Hey, why'd you put the mic stand where it's right in front of your face like that? Ah, damn it.

Oh, my God. This is chaos right now. It's funny because you're short. It's laughing. You know what I mean? It's laughing. It's good. I'm laughing.

I'm laughing. I'm having a great time. You're sleeping on the living room floor. How does this happen? Explain to us how it goes down. Well, she was there. And I was like, hi, I'm here. Wow.

And you rolled over here like, hey, what's up? I'm a welder. Yeah. And you guys were both laying down. When we met? Yeah. That's how fucking weird with that thing. That's what I'm asking you.

I just rolled over. Hi, you're here. I am here as well. Fancy we've been laying here for quite some time. And yet I did not see you. Doth, I should have turned over yesterday. I like you. Thanks, Tony.

I like you. I like you too. Thank you. Thank you very much. You're not bad. Motherfucker. That's right. Fucking asshole.

But he's cool though. He's an asshole. Where are you originally from? I don't think we found the land of Oz. The North Carolina. So kind of. Okay. North Carolina.

Yeah. Went up to Chicago for a little bit. Came down here after COVID. Okay. Yeah. Things didn't work out in Chicago. I had a terrible time. Kept getting blown away by the wind.

Come on. Yeah. All right. Killing me. You know, I'd love to have you on the secret show also. Wow. I mean, this is incredible. Absolutely incredible.

You think so? What if someone. All right. Have a big joke book, Alex. Thank you very much. Wait, maybe we should give you something a little more your size though. Give him. Give him that one.

There he goes. Alex Olinger, everybody. Catch him Thursday here at a real stand-up show. This is incredible. The pool of talent that we're able to find here. Some people think that I've talked to a couple of people that have actually said that the pool of talent has changed because we're not in Los Angeles and they just couldn't be more wrong.

If you think the comedians are better in LA than I implore you to go listen to old episodes of the show where you will find out that is simply not true. It seems like a lot of the best talent is moving here to Austin, Texas. We'll see. Make some noise for your next comedian, Bianca Peralto, everybody. We go. Here she comes, Bianca Peralto. What's up?

How are we doing, everybody? Yes, dude. All right. I've been told I have a very masculine energy to myself. All right. I never really thought it was a problem though until I was hooking up with a guy and like my chain hit him in the face. And then I was like, oh yeah, I get that now, you know?

But even then it didn't bug me until it became like a matter of safety. Like I asked with my guy friends if they would mind walking me in my car after the bar one night and they just looked at me and they were like, nah, you'll be fine. Fuck, you know? Anybody here from Missouri? All right. Nobody wants to claim it but everybody's from there, you know? I'm from Missouri, all right?

You know, my daddy's very alt-right. But he's also very, like he's an alcoholic who loves to party so he's pretty all right. So he's just your classic alt-right, all right, dude. You know what I'm saying? And I asked if he'd help me move here to Texas. And when he helped me move here, I asked if he'd go furniture shopping with me. And we were walking around, we were looking at everything. And he stops me, he goes, how much for that tan lazy boy?

And I was like, dad, you can't say that. He works here. Wow, Bianca Peralto. Bianca has a racist father. No, we all, you know. Welcome back, Bianca. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah, I was up once, like in September of last year.

So it's been a minute. Yeah, welcome back. Thank you. Very fun. And remind us all, how long have you been doing stand-up? I actually just marked my first year this month, so. All right. I love your voice.

How long since you transitioned? Oh, Tony, it's been about two years. It's been about two years, dude. Tony, she was born in the dog. Yeah, exactly. She was born in the dog. It sounds like it's like a pack a day. That's actually the one thing like me and my dad have a lot in common with.

But I have notes, like vocal nodules, you know, the thing. Nodules? Yeah, it's when you get like calluses on your vocal cords. Right. Yeah, so you don't, you speak like a man is essentially what it gets at. Incredible. Wow. That laugh is haunting.

Extremely. So I haven't done this show in a while, but I've been at places where I was at a coffee shop one time, and somebody turned around and they're like, were you on Kill Tony? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, I didn't even see you. I recognized your voice. Wow. I was like, I don't know.

That's cool. But also the worst at the same time. Yeah. The madness knows what the fuck is going on. The blind guy knows my voice. So Bianca, let's talk about it. What do you do for a living? How do you make money?

I do, I run some shows around Austin. I do some social media marketing. Okay. And we're doing that about full time. Okay. Oldly fans. Very good. Very, very good.

Figuring it out here. Okay. So you're running shows. How's the comedy scene in Austin treating you? Was any wild stuff going on? Any gossip? Anything good? It's pretty good.

Very, it's a new scene. So, I mean, very up and coming. You can meet a lot of new people. It's kind of like high school dude fucking here. It's kind of, it's crazy, but it's very entertaining. Right. You've made a lot of friends? Yeah.

There's a lot of friends. Every year is very cool. I don't have anybody that I have like an issue with. Boyfriend? It's a thing. Oh shit. Someone's rubbing up against those vocal nodules. Oh shit.

Better blowjobs. Damn. Look at that. Ribbed for his pleasure. Yeah. Very fun. So, but you're not considering him a boyfriend. It's just sort of like a play friend.

It's, I don't see other people, you know. Okay. But he does. But he does? Yeah. No, I don't think he does either. You don't think he does? All right.

I love that Bianca. Okay. Very cool. All right. What do you like about that guy? Cool. What do you look for in a guy? What type of guy are you into?

I'm very, I'm very personality based. Very, I like funny guys. Nice guys. Like people hang out, you know. So he's ugly. Yeah. You can be, I mean, that's what that means. He's very good looking.

He's very good looking. Okay. He is. All right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I looked down on this one.

All my other ones, kind of the worst, but. Yeah. This is the most nice guy. The only, the only, the only funny guy that's good looking is Chris Delia. And you're, you're a cougar for him. So. Yeah. Dude, I'm out of his leagues.

I'm like, I'm like 10 years overdue. Delia would meet you and be like, do you have a daughter? I'm kidding. We love Chris. He's a killer. Um, no, he really is. Bianca, let's talk about your life. What's the most interesting thing about you that, uh, if you were on a podcast, it would

be a good thing to bring up. I got my first beer thrown on me recently. Whoa. How did that happen? You were doing your jokes on stage and they'd run out of tomatoes and there was this couple. It was like this lesbian couple that were making out in the front row and like, I was like, what, what are we doing? Why are we doing this right now?

You were performing a little bit farther east of here, right? Yeah. A little southeast, you know, where it gets. Lesbian-y. Yeah. Near Les barbecue. Les barbecue. Everybody knows it's, it's the lesbian barbecue place.

I have to, I have to teach red band everything because he lives in fucking Fluger bill. It's like, wait, what? There's a lesbian barbecue place? Yeah. Is that a real thing? Yes. They just like serve like purely roast beef. It's just.

Oh. It's very good. Fucking just doesn't. Very good. There you go. Very good. That's how it's done. Set them up, knock them down.

There we go. That's it. But yeah, they were making out in the front row and I was like commenting. I was like, what are we doing? And then, um, she said some words. I said some words. And then I got off and somebody's dog started barking. And I just looked at her girlfriend and I was like, yo, get your bitch.

And then. Oh, shit. She came up and not happy. Yeah. Her girl just like threw a beer right on me. Oh, shit. And IPA. I was wearing white.

The darkest I've ever been. Oh, you got any photos? Yeah. If I, if I did, I would be way cooler than I am right now. So I wish. That's very, very interesting. Crazy shit does happen out there on these streets. Performing at a very, very extremely liberal shows where the types of crowds where lesbians

would make out in the front row. I find are the most difficult AKA worst comedy audiences in the world. Yeah. But it's something that we all did coming up, especially in LA. Lord knows we would go east to the Silver Lake, Los Feliz regions. We would do every show that we possibly could. And it was nothing like here at a rock club or like at the comedy store where people know that they could get dangerous and crazy.

And so, yeah, I mean, I lean right. You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying here, really. I don't really like pussy liberals. You know what I mean? Lay liberals. Yeah. The fun fact about lay barbecue, by the way, you can't dine in.

You can only eat out. Hell. Oh, I activated the black. I activated the back lights. I did it. Bianca, very, very much fun. Congratulations. You did it again.

Bianca Peralto, everybody. Thank you. Bianca, here, have a joke book. Have you gotten one of these before? Oh, well, then give it back if you already have one. Hell, yeah. We're not giving people multiple jokes. You know what I mean?

This is a real Texas leather. You can get a custom made for you. Oh, no, we got to keep going. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? Red Band's trying to go home early. You guys want to go one more time? Let's go. OK.

All right. Red Band wants to get back to Flugerville so that he can put on his VR helmet and fucking nerd out. OK. Your next comedian. This is a wild night tonight. Anything can happen.

Make some noise for James Lewis, everyone. James Lewis. Hot and fresh out the kitchen. At every minute. One more time for James Lewis. What are you laughing at? I just walked up here. So I've been confused recently.

I've been confused as to why so many people seem to just love abortions so much. Like specifically women for some reason are obsessed with these things. They don't look at what an abortion actually is and I was like, oh, shit. That's actually kind of cool. It's like, I get it now.

It's like, it's a neat idea. And like, I guess I can see why people would enjoy it so much that they would advocate for it, I guess. It's OK. Wait, it's kind of like picture two doctors in their medical guillies. They got a patient over here with the camera going up. They have a video thing here.

There's a second part to this video. No, no, no. I want you to keep going. I want this to never end. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I want this to never end. Thank you. You get to do however long you want right now.

If you choose to go for an hour, then god damn it, we're going to be here for an hour. Just out of trust a little bit. Anything you want to do right now, I want you to go. I love this. This is incredible. Thank you.

I thought you might. Absolutely. This is for you. James, just go. Faggot. Come on. So. Picture two doctors, two doctors in their medical guillies.

They got a patient over here with the camera going up. They have a monitor here. They see an embryo pop up. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. One doctor says the other. Hey, Dusty, you seen this? Oh, I'd say it's about a half an ounce or at least. Shhh, shh, shh, shh.

Dusty, be quiet. You're going to scare them off. Now. On my mark. Get him. Now it's kind of it. And then I was going to say. That was part two.

Holy shit. If anyone is offended by this. That was part two. You are, you have to concede, are human beings not an invasive species? Okay. Are you an alien? All right, James, relax. Is it red band?

Red band. Come on. Let him finish his stuff. Let me appreciate you letting me do that. Shut the fuck up, James. I'm being serious. I didn't keep you going because I loved it. You are literally the most unlikeable human being I've ever seen in my entire life.

You look like you were invented in a laboratory. You look like a, I've never, I'd imagine you play the villain in every Lego movie. I mean, you are incredible. I feel like you hate both your mother and your father. Am I correct? No. I wish. I would probably be a little better at this if, you know.

Right. Right. But you come from money. Am I correct, James? No. No. Really? No.

Get this. Get this. I spent two years living in Youngstown. No way that that's possible. How did you end up in Youngstown? College engineering? No. My dad moved there for a job.

Oh my God. What a job. Do you know the Vindicator? Yeah. He worked at the Vindicator in like marketing at the Vindicator. Wow. I know. That is fucking crazy.

The Vindicator is indeed not only my local newspaper, but also the newspaper which is found in the movie Goodfellas at the end when Henry Hill gets relocated into witness protection program. He picks up the newspaper, which is the Vindicator insinuating that he was moved relocated to Youngstown, Ohio for a period of time, which is a famous mafia city. This is what Youngstown is like, Tony in the sky. I mean, it's just, if you ever wondered, it's not, it's not. Youngstown is like Mickey Hauser and fucking Derek Poston and Marcelina Maris.

It's black, folks. How did you survive in Youngstown? Did you live in a suburb? You lived in Boardman Liberty? Poland. Poland. That's the fucking third guess. I should say it's not quite true Youngstown.

Oh, I know. But I would go down to Youngstown because my mom, so my dad was living in Boardman. My mom was living in Youngstown. There you go. I literally guessed the fucking suburb. Yeah. Exactly. Right.

Because it's extremely safe compared to the normal city there. Exactly. Right. You know. Right. And your dad works at a newspaper. What does your mom do? Works on the railroad?

Right. Old school. Family, Tony. Yeah. Newspapers and railroad tracks. No. I mean, that's not what she does now. We were only living there for two years.

Right. But now she does. If you're actually interested in what my mom does, she works in assisted living. Oh, okay. Yeah. Dementia people. All right. Very good.

Very good. So let's talk about you. How old are you and what fraternity do you belong to exactly? I mean, this is incredible. I'm 25. Uh-huh. And I'm too nervous to come up with a pond for some fraternity I'm in. Right.

So I'll just go with none right now. Right. Why is your ass so fat? It really is. It is. This guy's got. He's got a dumper. He's got skeletons in his closet and junk in the trunk.

Stupid. I know. He came up here with literally a frat ass. That's great. It's incredible. I wrote that down actually for those of you that don't believe me. I wrote. You see that?

Frat. Frat ass. I wrote that during his set. And villain Lego movie is also what I wrote. A lot of people wonder what is Tony Ray when people are performing jokes about the people. It's about you. You look both 12 and 55 at the same time. Yes.

It is incredible. Very rarely do we get to see someone like you. Did you come straight from the pool to be here today? Yeah. I came from a very like seedy pool back there to come up here. But other than that, no. Incredible. One of the strongest heads of hair I've ever seen in my entire life.

Thank you. I mean that is just unfucking believable. Thank you. You do that. You brush that like that or something. No, not really. That's like this is the only thing I have going for me. It's just like that.

Wow. Incredible. What's your love life like? Wow. About eight months ago I was with this girl eight days in a row. Uh huh. She moved. So since then I've had one, whatever you want to call it, for each month.

So I'm just now getting back into it. Stop. Stop. Stop. You had one girl for eight days in a row and then she moved. She did move. Okay. But you really, you really.

Nothing since then. Eight months ago. And then so what's the thing that you said that you did once a month different every month since then? I'm trying to keep up. Did you get that? I could be playing VR right now. Yeah. I know.

I feel bad for Red Band because he wanted to leave. Yeah. It's okay. You're okay. It's good for Red Band to see you so that this is like a, this is like a. AJ Soprano. I like your style. I like you, James.

How long have you been doing stand up? Um, however long that was. Wow. That was your first time. Look at that. I've never done anything like this, like on a stage in front of people before. His first time ever. We went from lay barbecue to this.

We said lesbian three times and he appears. Can I, can I just give him one? Yeah, absolutely. If you keep going, bro, you need to be very aware. I don't know if you noticed, but right when you walked up, everyone was immediately laughing. I know. Because you look, and that's not a negative thing. For comedy, it's the greatest thing ever.

I was feeling that too. If you can make people laugh before you. It is incredible. That's a very rare thing. I mean, James, it is incredible. That is priceless. That is something you want in your toolbox. You understand.

You are what is considered funny looking. That's a good thing. That's huge. I don't have that. I don't have your likable features, your round head, your big booty and all that. I don't have these things. People wanted you to be crazy funny just because you looked so funny. Yeah.

People want you to be funny. You don't even have to be funny. I know. You just seem to be kind of funny. I have to be hilarious. I don't have any of this going for you. Your unlikable likability that you have. It is shocking.

I mean, truly, straight up, villain energies. If I was reading for a part in a movie as a villain and I was in the waiting room looking at my lines nervous and you walked in, I'd be like, fuck this fucking shit. I'm going home. I don't have a fucking chance. This guy's got it. He's got that Hollywood head, too.

You got that big head. Yes, it is. Everything in your mouth. Other than the words that came out of your mouth. Everything else. You, too. I had a grown ass man head. Sorry?

You have the head of a grown ass man? Yeah. Thank you. I think. But in case you couldn't tell, I had a very intricately written and planned set that as soon as I came up here and felt the energy, I was like, oh, no. But this is not going to work at all.

Right. You know? I learned a lot in that moment walking up here. Oh, yeah. So did we. We learned a lot, too. I love it. What else?

Tell us what it's like being a 25-year-old. Is that what you said, 25? Yeah. Yeah. Mike, what are you up to? What are you doing? It's so confusing. It's so confusing being a 25-year-old.

Right. Boys, girls, I know. It's all confusing. You don't know why that makes you hard, but it does. Youngstown Curse. You're so stupid. Oh, shut up over there, sir. This tough guy clapping.

Man. Tell us more about your life. When's the last time you asked your parents for something? Because you seem like you would. Well, if I were to ask my parents for anything, maybe it would have been an abortion before I was born. Wow. You wish you weren't alive?

No, not actually. I had nothing to say. I'm tired. I'm sorry. You're tired? Are you saying you're tired? You've been in show business for eight minutes. You're already exhausted.

Hey, you have to ease into these things, you know? James, I mean, I like your fucking style. You live here in Austin? I do. You'll sign up again? You'll come back again? This is my second time. Second time doing what?

Signing up for this. Okay. I signed up last week. Didn't make it this time. Look at you. Well, you're luckier than the Irish guy. Don't wear shorts on stage. It's a comedy number one.

It is a comedy rule. You just learned it. Would you mind explaining why? Because everyone's looking at your fucking weird ass legs and shit. I love it when red band gets to explain a fundamental rolling comedy. It's always fun for me. Matt Mueling is literally mad about your shorts. He never says anything.

And he's like, why the fuck would you do that, man? One of the nicest guys in all of Austin. He's literally like, fuck you, dude. Fuck you for those shorts. His first time ever doing stand-up. His first time ever on Kill Tony. That is the debut of James Lewis. Sign up again.

Come back again, James. I want to see another minute from you. Actually? Yeah. Yeah, you're going to have to sign up and get pulled out again. I'm not making you a regular or anything. Get the fuck out of here. I don't want to be one.

All right. I think you do. Look at that ass jiggle as he goes. James, James, come back up here. James, hold on. Keep playing music for a second. Just so that everybody can see. Face the drummer.

James, face the drummer. And James, James, face the drummer. Don't come over here. Get back over there. Face the drummer. Face the drummer. Look at Michael. Turn your body around, James.

James, turn your body. Turn your body. Turn your body. James, jump up and down a few times so that everybody can see. Okay, red band, we get it. Jump up and down a few times so that everybody can see. Yes. Face the drummer and jump up and down.

Don't be gay, bro. Don't be gay, dude. Just let us see your ass jiggle, bro. Don't be a homo about it. I'm not about that. There he goes. James Lewis. Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, James. Look. Watch it. Watch it. Look at it. Look at it. James. James.

Where the fucking underwear, James? James had a thong on, dawg. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That guy's got Lego hair and a Lincoln log ass. It is incredible. I have never seen a man's butt quite like that before.

And I think he's only 25 once he puts some meat on those bones. All right, there's only one way to end an episode like this, which I think has been one of my favorite episodes in a long time. Ladies and gentlemen, this young man has been traveling with me all around the country. He's on my current tour. Absolutely destroying from beginning to end. He spends every Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday opening for Joe Rogan and me and other great comedians here at Vulcan Gas Company.

This guy is working continuously. In fact, he spent this whole past weekend featuring, he did so good featuring for me in Phoenix the weekend before last that he went back to Phoenix to feature for Duncan Trussell this weekend. You're watching a star being born. This is a lot of the people you've seen are from the future. This is the present. He is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.

This is William Montgomery. Let's give it up for abortions, y'all. God, that was the longest abortion joke I've ever heard. Also, Red Band, I fucking sure it's on you, bitch. What are you going to do about it? Hey, Red Band. Your mom was so old she had to churn her pussy. I recently started following this whole Amber Heard Johnny Cash defamation case and I just

have to say, what the hell was Johnny Cash thinking? She's so young. I didn't even realize Johnny Cash was still alive. According to the computer repair man who handled Hunter Biden's laptop, the password to unlock it was very disturbing. It was a Nalph K9. Even more disturbing, he banged his dead brother's widow. Archaeologists recently discovered that the final animal to board Noah's Ark was an Apex

twin. I'll be honest. I thought the marching band skipped leg day. Who told me the marching band skipped leg day? They used their legs on me. Okay, that was when I was working on it. I was trying to insinuate and then I was getting bullied by the marching band. Okay.

William Montgomery, everybody. Coming in, literally the opposite of the last comedian, very likable, no ass whatsoever. I don't have one. William came out, guns a-blazing, making fun of Red Band's mother. We've never seen this before. Oh, he's calling his mom right now. Who are you talking to? Oh, please.

We're actually talking to William's mom right now or she's moaning. She's not really talking. Oh, Red Band's trying to get revenge on you by saying that he's talking to your mother. Yeah, I know he's not talking to his own mom because I think she died this past week. She had been really sick. Yeah, I think she passed away this past week. Oh, by the way, that's something funny that we could talk about. Last week we talked, he made fun of my mom and I said my mom was actually in the hospital

and afterwards upstairs I was like, did you know about my mom and hold this whole thing that my mom was in the hospital, like really bad condition and he goes, oh, I'm so sorry. I need to like put his hands shut the fuck up. No one believes you. Nobody believes you. You dumb ass hilarious. You fucking idiot. Nobody believes that shit.

Shut the fuck up right there. Oh, my God. You are so funny. By the way, your kneecaps look like there's two faces on them. Oh, Red Band's making fun. Whoa. Those really actually. Oh, my God.

Why do you have angry emojis as kneecaps? William, turn around. They want to see your kneecaps. Whoa. Oh, my God. It was actually a very expensive surgery I had done like two years ago. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like Mount Rushmore or something like that. Is that Thomas Jefferson on the left? Yeah, it is. It literally cost me $4,000. I got these things in surgery. I can't talk tonight. I'm sorry. Oh, look at that.

That's from eating Red Band's mom's pussy too much. What was that we with Arnold Schwarzenegger and the face going through the skin? That's what they look like. Shut the fuck up, dude. Shut the fuck up. So William Montgomery, very good. What has been going on in your life this week? Let's talk about your real life.

You featured for Duncan Trussell in Phoenix. You spent the last two weekends working at literally the biggest comedy clubs in the country. I have live seats. I believe 700 people. I only sold it out five times. So I mean, I don't know. Yeah, it was, it was, yeah, I hope I've pronunciated that okay for you guys fucking homos in here.

Big gay audience. You guys are tonight. You guys are gayer than shit. Can we see that boy's ass one more time for a second? Yeah. We have a pretty faggity audience tonight. Oh. A bunch of faggots out there tonight.

What do you think about these guys? What do you think about this table right here? These four guys. A bunch of faggots. Yeah. I'm kidding. I think you might actually be gay. So I'm kidding.

I don't care about. He does. I think you might actually be gay. I'm kidding. He has the jawline of a gay man. Sir, let me see your asshole real quick. Let's see if he's gay. Let's see what it looks like.

No, it was really fun at Phoenix. I was actually able to sell. I took 200 Xanax bars on the plane. I was able to sell 200 Xanax bars outside of the shows on Friday night. Okay. Made a couple hundred bucks. Yep. All right.

Very good. What else? What else has been going on? Have you used your gun at all? You have an unregistered gun that you keep in your car. Yeah. Well, I've been making these plans. Sadly, two weeks ago I got dropped by the Kirkland brand to be one of their sponsors.

So I have been drawing these elaborate plans. I found out where their office was. I'm thinking about sneaking into the office. Yeah. I have an assault rifle and a shotgun for the job. So for those of you that don't know, Kirkland Signature, a very famous generic brand, signed William to a two-year, what was it, 200,000? Two-year, $200,000 a year.

So $400,000 contract. Literally just to wear their t-shirt all the time. So all he has to do is wear that t-shirt. Look at all the angry guys with jobs just staring at him. It's like, what? I'm angry. I'm one of what? Wait, he gets paid to wear a t-shirt and call people faggoty?

Yeah. It's an incredible job, this comedy world. I'm telling you. It takes no practice at all. So two-year, $200,000. And now it's gone awry, it seems. It is gone. They found out about some of my exploits back in Memphis.

I actually do have to go back in three weeks for a court hearing type of deal. So I might be gone for a while. Wow. I wanted to tell you that tonight. Yeah. I have to go back to Memphis for a fucking... Why are you clapping, you dumbass? What are you fucking clapping about?

I mean, you're still wearing the shirt. Yeah, why are you? You're the dumbass. Hold on. Redband Relax. Why are you still wearing the shirt? Is he the only kind of shirts I have? How many did you...

I literally have 20 or 30 of these fucking things. It's all I can wear. It's fucking embarrassing. I don't have the fucking $400,000 contract anymore. Wow. It doubled since we talked about it last. Yeah, $400,000 every year. Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's like an $800,000 contract. Wow. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. It's like a lot of money. So I need to... Did you just try to think of what $800,000 was? Yes.

Absolutely incredible. So what is this hearing back in Memphis for? Very interesting. The world wants to know. So they found five bodies down in a sewer system type of thing. It was kind of close to my parents' house. I accidentally left a... Wow, five of them in a sewer?

Were these teenage mutant Ninja Turtles perhaps? Stupid. I don't even know why I said that. Go ahead, William. I accidentally left some shorts there and I have to go back. My DNA was all over the shorts. I have to go back. I'm a little worried about it.

I hope people don't watch this who were involved in the case. But yeah, I mean, I was mad one summer and I took out fucking five people outside of a target. How did you kill them? We want to know. A simple sick sour? Oh. I'm kidding. I need to quit talking about shooting people with guns.

Somebody's going to shoot my ass. That's something I've been thinking about recently. Wow. I have to fucking stop somehow. It's really turning into a nightmare. I mean, it's kind of hard for me to fucking sleep at night even. I'm literally like, all I do is talk about fucking guns now. Somebody's going to fucking murder me.

I've made this horrible mistake and now it's like I'm in too deep. I can't stop talking about killing people in Memphis and Phoenix and all these places in Dallas. In Oklahoma City. I talk about all these places. Somebody's going to get me. I have no idea why Kirkland Signature would drop the deal that they made with you. I'm actually offended by the entire thing. They make great products and I think you fit perfectly in their line of work.

Well, thank you. Yeah, we'll see. William, is it safe to say that you've made more money in the past three weeks of doing stand-up comedy than you usually make? Somebody's going to fucking murder my ass. I'm not answering that question. Yeah, I've made like $75,000 in the past two weeks. But yes, no.

Derek, you know William. You guys work together quite often. You guys are both Austin comedians, top, top shelf Austin people. What do you think about his style? I love him, but I always hate him because he went to the rival high school in mind. Really? Oh yes, there's bad blood between me and William. We went to rival all guys high schools in Memphis.

Yeah, that's the truth. And my old guys are better than your old guys. The brothers? No, they're not. Bro, yes, we were. Wait, no, they weren't. MUS was a harder school. MUS was a harder school. That's also true.

He's reenacting a blazing saddles. I've ever seen him do that. William, we love you. You did it again. William Montgomery, everybody. How about a hand? How loud can this place get from my guest and good friend Derek Poston, everybody?

Listen to his podcast, Spoil the Beans podcast. Follow him on social media, Derek Poston, D-E-R-I-C-P-O-S-T-O-N. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. It's absolutely incredible. It's of Derek's solo tonight. And you can get all those prints at RyanJ.Ebel.com.

How about a hand for the band one more time, everybody? The Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Band. That is the best peanut butter whiskey in the world. It's my favorite whiskey. It's my favorite peanut butter product. The red rose and the yellow rose are here in Austin. The W Hotel, where now you can use the Bermago Gilt Tony Save 25% on your stay.

And delicious Red Bull. Live audience, thank you guys so much. We'll see you guys again soon. Thank you, everybody. Good night. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.