KILL TONY - #561 - ARI SHAFFIR + CHRIS DISTEFANO

Episode Date: June 11, 2022

Ari Shaffir, Chris DiStefano, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban �� 05/23/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He

sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band Company Live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. You guys ready to fuck some shit up tonight? Yeah, Red Band's here everybody. Hey, what's up? And how about a hand for the goddamn band? Huh? This is Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas brought to you by the Red Rows and the Yellow Rows. The two best strip clubs in the world are

here in Austin, Texas. How about one more time? That's the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. Delicious refreshing peanut butter whiskey beverage. That is the great Paul Deemer on the trombone over there. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys. We are blessed with the presence of some of my favorite musicians in town. That's the Peterson brothers, everybody on guitar and bass. And of course the great Matt Mueling on guitar. And I do believe D-Madness will probably grace us with his presence again as well. The lovely Chris Rogers, an amazing local artist is over there drawing. Something,

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with the relaunched ultra smooth package from the fellas at Manscaped your balls will thank you you guys ready to start tonight's show or what every single week one or two of the funniest comedians in the world join us up here this week is no different ladies and gentlemen I present to you two of the greats in the world right now make some noise for Ari Shafir and Chris DeSephano. Oh wow oh shit it really is live Ari Chris welcome oh my goodness yes Speci Wessie is on the front of Netflix right now Chris DeSephano is here his first time ever as a guest on Kill Tony. Yes famously of the Chrissy Chaos podcast Speci Wessie is a hit

everybody's loving it I wore my good shirt for you I love it absolutely look at you straight out of fucking Andrew Schultz's closet I have autism yeah I said earlier I'm like is Brendan Schaub having an estate sale since he was brutally murdered last week and Ari Shafir one of my big brothers in stand-up comedy legendary comedy store door guy legendary comedy store paid regular a guy that I have looked up to for a long time and then looked evenly to and now I think I sort of look down on you it's been a very fun 15 years it's gone full circle and the student has become the teacher and the teacher has become the student no I'm kidding I'm totally joking Ari's the shit taping a special in Brooklyn June 12th

that is you want your third special fourth absolutely and one of those specials is two sided super album yeah yeah um I have no jokes about that yeah I love it Ari is the man get tickets for all of his shows Ari Shafir.com he's also going to be coming up in Chicago and Minneapolis and of course famously of the skeptic tank I've been doing episodes since you cleaned your apartment long time we did episodes on mushrooms together yeah held it together like a champion shroom fest I still haven't gone to that the crazy deep waters I thought about it the other day when we were sitting since then you mean since then that was it because like I never fasted that one I fast we all were like we're gonna fast for 24 hours and I have such crazy metabolism that I can't

really just not eat we're all we also started like six of us were like I was like you know after like 45 minutes up we were like I think I'm starting to feel it and the other guy's like you feel it but yeah I think I'm starting to and someone's like good because I've been gone for like 30 minutes it was a ton of bricks but we were sitting there on that shore and the waves kept going in through the sand and it was one of those moments back then I didn't really know that like are you guys seeing that too was a thing but that was my ultimate are you guys seeing that too and we all were the waves would hit the sand and just continue it would just be the sand was the wave now it was fucked up yeah if you were there you were there but you probably weren't because it

really had to be there anyway fun times you guys know what this show is a bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage I pull their name out of the bucket they do that you know their time is up in here the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry west hollywood bear he is here in austin and he's angrier than ever and he's just a loud thing that interrupts them if they go over their time and then and I lead an interview and we all talk to people we meet a bunch of people together they're super nervous or super confident it's crazy it's live anything can happen are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show all right ladies and gentlemen getting us started is one of our regulars

everybody a guy that lights this place on fire every week uh six months ago he was living in his minivan doing anything he could every open mic to survive now he's on jet rides around the world opening arenas for joe rogan ladies and gentlemen this is han's camp hey what's up guys I uh I think vegans are guilty of a crime way worse than the murder of animals and that's the crime of annoying a human what's the point of having the healthiest body in the world if your personality makes people want to strangle you in your sleep where's your quinoa now bitch if I could get vegans to shut the fuck up I would eat two koala bears

I don't think that you should ever buy a book on the power of positive thinking because you can always find one on the side of the road along with the rest of the family's belongings um a lot of people hate borders but without borders maps would be impossible to read we should live in a borderless world then how are you gonna find colorado you idiot thank you han's camp making it look easy joke joke joke joke vegans and borders yes all right we'd have we'd have a hard segue in the middle of that that's fucking 40 seconds on one topic

then quick shift yeah I like the darkness yeah it's uh I felt like it was all unified with the hatred of libs ah yes I've never heard this borderless thing is that something that people are saying now no more borders no more borders yeah Russell brand said it once and now that's a thing that I think people think I love I love borders well you're on the right side of it right that is correct that is a very good point hon so what's been happening this week I just did a little fox theater in Detroit Michigan with Joe Rogan tiny little foxy how was it how big was that in people 5 000 humans damn how many shows two shows wow look at you thank you are you nervous how nervous were you I was pretty uh pretty nervous about an eight or a nine sometimes even a

10 I guess I was a 10 I smoked a lot of weed drank a lot of buffalo trace oh yeah nice you're just in it you're in the you're in the spot now Han says uh I was there this is the first time that Hans has been on one of these Rogan trips without me and I'm very proud of you for uh yeah did anything happen did anything happen that like fuck Tony was supposed to save me right there yeah did anything weird happen we're just like Hans what the fuck is wrong with you um I uh worked out with Joe Rogan and uh how'd you do to keep up what exactly did you do working out with Joe Rogan I did a couple kettlebell swings uh I think the whole workout was Joe going here put this down for me I try to stay out of his way as much as possible that in itself is its own workout isn't it yeah

I did a workout I did a kettlebell workout Joe was trying to get me into it and I just destroyed my knees I'd completely I couldn't walk for like six months and I was like you told me to do that they made me healthier he goes you did them wrong I'm like that's not the right answer right yeah he's like he's like just do fucking steroids get better bro never try to keep up with working out with Joe Rogan and never try to keep up with Jameson with Bert Kreischer it's true that's a really good point uh Hans have you been any uh included in any debauchery activities as a plate just regular sex with my girlfriend whoa nice you still wearing a condom with her yeah pretty regularly

but sometimes you don't is what it sounds like no I always do why uh she's uh afraid of getting pregnant and she's just like really liberal as long as the abortion laws stay really strong and sexist I don't think it'll be a problem yeah I know that really fucked me yeah when you say she's really liberal how liberal are we talking she's a vegan that doesn't even have a credit card whoa it's liberals fuck that's all the way that's the part of this left on the map if she uh if she gets pregnant why don't just take her roe v waiting into the river and drown her nice roe roe roe v wait uh Hans very interesting has there ever been a time where you thought about not using a condom

with her every time yeah every time so you put the condom on and then you have sex with her pretending like there's no condom there you admit you don't see a condom I can feel it though oh shit do you put them on your finger when you're like blasting her no fingers don't have come on them Hans let me ask you another question because we've gotten to watch an incredible amount of progress literally with your career in front of our very eyes over the past you know year or so since you've been part of the show and I'm wondering how are you spending some of this new uncharted rogan money that you're making you know doing these theaters and arenas you're all of a sudden in one night in what how long do you do 15 minutes yeah in 15 minutes he makes

more than he made the entire year before every time no exaggerations right yeah right yeah again and again and again so he's doing it again and again and again and then he's doing two shows and then four shows in a weekend so all of a sudden now you have a little fuck and what a nest egg or something like that what are you doing with your money because you're wearing the t-shirt of the place you're performing at right now you're literally dressed like the guy that's mopping up puke in the back right now there's no actual puke relax people what are you doing with your money i'm just saving it up like a jew oh look at that harry schaffir getting brownie points with harry big guy there it's the way to do it it's a long-term games i'm trying to invest in some roth iras

elie roth oh my god uh really nothing no you don't ever treat yourself to anything hans i've been getting some uber eats for my girlfriend for your girlfriend so you've been getting vegan shit is that true just like fried rice for her and then general sales for me i bought a gun and some ammo oh yeah there you go wow how much did that cost you a thousand bucks damn off the right you shave off the serial number no i'm not black whoa whoa he can say it folks it's asian heritage month it is asian heritage month the month of may is asian heritage month won't forget that one again hey how do you feel about pacific islanders taking half your month

i mean there's like 17 of them bullshit is it per mass now there are so few compared to the actual asian people asian asian asian yeah the real asians not those indians i think i almost got in trouble again there folks uh that was a close one walk out of the rope asian asian asian asian oh i'm short circuiting uh everything's good everything's good i love everybody it always it always was one of those things one of the parts of the whole thing that blew my mind was like that that was the thing that i got in trouble for like asian so unbelievable of all the races like i would pick them to hate the most you know what i mean yeah we're very okie dokie uh got a little weird there again for a second it's under full control we've been doing this a long

time i love it haunts what else anything else what are you going to do with this gun where do you keep it under my bed you just got a bed immediately you're putting a gun underneath this yeah use the during sex at all no she's uh she's liberal so maybe maybe she would love that or hate that i don't know only one way probably hate that are you not liberal i am a very liberal person yeah okay i wasn't because you keep saying she's i don't know where you are let me ask you this hunts what's the most liberal quality about you um i uh i have a bidet um see i would think that would land under conservatism interesting what's the most conservative thing about you uh i hate uh certain minorities whoa

okay wow i can't wait he hates certain minorities uh i can't imagine look at the scared look on some people's faces here that was a crazy answer what's your top three minorities that you hate wait wait wait wait a second here we are well i was gonna say i was gonna say let's skip it until michael hit the drum roll i mean you can't really all right you guys think we should find out and then edit it out if it's a bad later we guys start at three though but you can't say what you can't go on the internet and say what happened if you if we edit it out deal or else we won't do it all right here we are hunts kim's three least favorite minority groups everybody this is an asian man during asian heritage month we check the rule book

it's allowed his girlfriend is a vegan without a credit card so for you liberals out there you might be taking food if that's what they call it away from a vegan with no credit card by trying to cancel hunts but he's uncancellable these are his top three least favorite minority groups starting with number three shrill onkins the crowd goes wild everybody feels like it's safe to laugh now we were really we were really concerned you might just drop the n word right from the top there right from the number three position shrill onkins is just happy to get recognized all right here we are back to the show the number two least favorite group of immigrants to hunts kim native americans

whoa whoa he set us up all nice guys shrill onkin not going to be that big of a deal small island now you go straight to the native people of our very own land both why both what is it about the native americans that you don't like they're poor and dirty wow wow wow oh my god oh yes oh yes oh my god chaos all right and believe it or not there's one to go everybody believe it or not right when you think the gift cannot possibly give anymore we find out that the number one least favorite minority group

according to hunts kim is the blacks congratulations you guys congratulations jaundice through a water bottle adam he's up on the stool an incredible standoff is may versus february oh i activated the backlight that's a big deal asians get the longer asians get the longer month and blacks get the longer dicks oh it's a good point it's a good point hunts we spent way too much time with you during this interview here today or did we god damn it it was so worth it or did we because if you know if we

have to edit that out oh right super short interview already i wish it was more you're gonna have to trim trim to the brim brim i would have actually like to have heard his top three least favorite races but oh well i guess we will never know ladies and gentlemen that was hunts kim thank you that was hunts kim that was hunts kim that was hunts kim that was hunts kim all right to the bucket we go this is where anything can happen that maybe you signed up for the chance to do a minute here is that ngwk you're playing ngwk ladies and gentlemen i've pulled your first bucket name out of the bucket tonight we're

going to meet this person together make some noise for darien erwin everybody here we go 60 seconds uninterrupted by darien erwin here he is everybody all right uh sorry i'm late guys i came here on a petty cab he's dead you know what i mean that's just what happens just moved here to austin dude i dig it i like austin austin school man it's a fun city uh you guys have the scooters the rideshare scooters here you guys scoot i scoot dude i scoot my goot i fucking people yell horrifically mean shit at me when i go by on a scooter and i get it you know what i mean i know what i look like you see me go by fucking two scooters i get it

and yell some shit at me dude meanest thing this guy ever said to me he was not even trying to be me and he just didn't know that i could hear him right like i was he was sitting on the the curb next to his buddy and i came around the corner right next to the curb as i go by he just points it goes look at how strong those things are that's me guys thank you fuck yeah darien erwin absolutely welcome welcome sir good stuff thank you thank you a ground shaking performance thank you how much do you weigh brother huh how much do you weigh what was that you heard what are we at it's a good question do you know no really i know yoni do we have the scale dude get the fuck come on don't be a baby it's bad you can't really be insecure at this point

you have a girl's don't care huh girls don't care thank you whoa it's the scale of destiny everybody let's do it it has arrived now this thing's reinforced we actually bought i specifically bought the one that can hold no there's a lot of controversy with this scale dude well it's already got three pounds on it well i'm pretty sure no dude even if it's give or take 50 pounds with you will be oh there you go all right we'll do it we'll do it has been activated he's getting on it you guys subtract the mic weight wow it's sticking at about 424 right now everybody oh yeah holy shit good for you i'm taking a win on it was lighter than trey pack you know what i mean i love it i love it so you're the biggest boy that we've had up here i believe so no not even

close you guys remember trey how big was trey trey was 480 that is close he was for no that's not not close that is close welcome to another episode of my 600 pound comedian i know yeah i thought about going the other direction just to see if i can make it on the show you know what i mean yeah absolutely all right you don't give a fuck uh i don't know it's a good question austin's not the place where would you move from tennessee oh so you're like this is normal yeah i'm like a fucking eight back home dude it sucks out here skinny mini cutie it fucking sucks that's how you gained all that weight was from eating pussy that yeah now it's keto right yeah there you go i love it so how long have you been in austin texas almost a year now i'll let me just stand up

three years not very good thank you thank you very much your mellow man i love both you guys you guys are great thank you very who you like more brutal hey um for real though i shouldn't comp my people on the show cut this out but like you talk real like slowly and confidently it's like it's somebody gets like your ideas yeah but for real cut that i have repetition i love it i love it uh what do you do for work darian i work here at the great vulgar gas company everybody oh the fix is in how did he get a number yeah why i think it's fucking rigged that's what i'm saying you think it's rigged yeah that he got the fucking ticket he got the call up because he works here there's a bunch of names in a bucket yeah i'm the one taped to the side don't say i didn't see yeah i love it he's

this first time here i've been starting up for a year and haven't come up and you're talking shit tony picked the one with mustard on it to help the condiment don't do that so uh darian yes i actually know that you work here because i'm going to share with everyone at once a very very interesting story oh god so do you know what story i'm gonna no no no you're gonna love it you're gonna fucking love it okay so it was like two weeks ago and a few days before the show i had a guy that uh that wanted to bring some people to the show but it was sold out but i didn't but but i knew that i knew that week specifically that we might have room that he might be able to get tickets at the door so i told him when you get here ask for the owner

see if you can get tickets at the door they might be able to squeeze you in somewhere right so after the show two weeks ago i get off the stage i end up running into the guy i can't even remember i think it was from golf or something anyway and he goes tony you were right i gave a hundred and fifty dollars to a guy out front and he totally let me in and i go what because i found it interesting because i never got the money right so i say to him i go what did the guy look like that you gave the hundred and fifty bucks to and he said it was a fat man in a green shirt hold on no big deal i go about my night i talk to the owner of the club the one that's supposed to if anybody does sells tickets at the front door and we end up we somehow gravitate all the way to the sidewalk

here on for anybody that's been here you know how beautiful and luxurious six streeters just a vast land of planes and happy people clean is how i would describe it above all anyway and i'm literally talking to the owner of the venue and i go somebody told me that somebody told me that a guy a fat guy in a green shirt took money for the tickets tonight and we look over at the same time and there is darien standing there in the greenest shirt you've ever seen in your life i mean just a type of green that was blatantly like oh wow it has to be him and i say to net i say to the owner of the club i go it's gotta be him and he goes no way that's one of my guys no way it was him i go no you don't understand it has to be him that's a fat that's

the fat guy in a green shirt of the universe right now and i'm watching he goes up to him and i don't i don't hear a thing because i'm on the other side with other people but i see him ask you something and you pull out your wallet and you pull out exactly one hundred and fifty dollars it gets worse it gets actually gets worse than that first of all i'm starting to think this was fucking rigged i'll be honest with you here's i have other things i could talk about if i wanted to i understand i understand i'm gonna get fired for what i'm about to tell you no you're not and no you're not i will protect you okay but i'm gonna go for the laugh right here i'm gonna go for the laugh what actually happened

was nick came up to me and said hey uh wait a second i'm about to find out how they're stealing from us oh my god this is gonna be so great oh no yes i will work with you i will take you to rogan's club if you're honest with me now i'm gonna be honest you will be the first curtis can i get a thumbs up on this guy i got it the the actual general manager of literally what is without a doubt going to be the greatest comedy club in the world the first ever one built by a successful comedian on top of all that it's joe fucking rogan all right you got the thumbs up you're gonna be hired here please tell us here's he's about to get assassinated right now post so bad you're just gonna hear pop pop pop i'm getting fired i'm gonna find but here's what had nick

nick nick no it's my last night here i'm very excited uh there's a good way to go out i'm very excited so nick came up to me and said hey did you take money for tickets at the door and i said yeah which is crazy and then yeah that's a wild boob he said hold on and then he said and then he said give me the money and i said okay and i pulled out my wallet and i handed him a hundred bucks and then he looked at me and i thought and he said it was 150 i said you're totally right here's the other thank you thank you

i do i do want to defend i do want to defend myself a little bit though i've never been a door guy before and i did think their story was legitimate i truly i know this is crazy to think now but i thought you were worth throwing one of us a bone and just not to say anything that's what i thought happened right that's why i thought i had so fucking you thought i was going to throw you a bow you listen you need one more fucking piece of meat in your life i was a former like you were going to throw me a boneless ribeye 48 ounce uh the side of cream corn and uh what the fuck conniving jewish fuck if you were 300 pounds lighter you'd be ours i i worked the door at the comedy store and i stole regularly i have no problem at all with it none in fact one time

louis ck did a show and he said oh you have to go to the door pay in cash and me and my friends like let's just get four tickets ourselves and then scalp the shit out of them and that's what we did we made a shitload of money off louis ck you did the right thing yeah absolutely i like it i like you dressed in green a leprechaun artist very interesting but darien you're not really jewish right no no of course i don't think so honorary for the month you are built like a temple thank you why would you say yes to i stole the money why would you uh truthfully because i was i was idiot i i watch how a jew does it watch how a jew does it arie did you did you steal the money what do you what what money the king of the jews arie shefier is here everybody i absolutely love

it when arie's around i get to do any jew jokes that i want it's fun they're all been noted darien so let's talk about it uh what else do you do for fun here in texas what tell us more about your life also i do for fun here in texas i play i gamble a lot i have a crippling gambling addiction oh what kind of uh what kind of what kind of gambling are we doing what are we betting on 100 poker and i couldn't play that night because i'd lost 150 bucks at the door nice i had already had a seat at the fucking table i was gonna turn it around and you took that away from me so thank you very much time i appreciate that oh we gave it back and we're back baby we're doing it i thought he was i thought he was gonna throw that boss under the bus he

really didn't at all no he didn't he got both he got a job at rogan's club and got to keep his job here i i feel like we sort of got played tonight i'm up here just fucking playing jumanji dude you know what i mean absolutely how how many times have you taken money from me and uh tony's girlfriend true i have 100 that was i really it's so crazy because i didn't think i did anything wrong until somebody was like that's crazy you did that i didn't do anything wrong you are orange you're a door guy it's sold out you have the power to let him in if they make it worth your while i i don't see the issue here in any way yeah yeah you're trying to edit a bit of being a door guy all right you never got tipped to get fucking booths in the front oh yeah totally

absolutely that's a part of the perks of working at the world famous comedy store that's a whole different beast of a whole different kind yeah you didn't get a job at the comedy no i didn't no you got a job at vulcan gas company on sixth street and i got caught the first time that's crazy it's a different thing 150 to get in that's a fucking dude i try to get through the show go ahead oh no we pay we charge a lot these people are fucking all very successful the economy is booming here in texas yes it is when i was working the door if you tip me five dollars you own me for the night so darien let's talk about this crippling gambling addiction it's not that bad it's pretty bad it's uh is it strictly texas hold them yeah okay yeah okay hold them yeah right not what are we

talking about like if you had four hundred dollars how much would you spend a bit on gambling what how much would that's how much would you spend on gambling of like a normal income four hundred dollars really yeah you spend all but what about money for chicken yeah it can't go it's not all gambling yeah i don't have good i don't have a problem i'm excited here you go yeah spend three seventy yeah it's not that it's not that bad but it is my favorite thing to do it's it's awesome here texas it's a great poker scene i don't have a problem i think you'd be great at hold them i mean you have two pairs of tits right there so all right this is stretch you have a full house well i think you're one of those guys you have a full house of pancakes you son of a bitch how about

every house i'm in it's a full house baby you know what i'm saying you have pocket burger kinks yeah that's better you redeem it i'm flushed all right oh there you go okay you should actually be good at these you should have all these i know i don't know why i've never thought about it before all right very good darien what's your love life like i am married i'm a married individual yeah everybody's surprised i know every one of you went i don't know how long have you been married for uh four years four years or happy you want to move out here too she's here yeah she wanted to yeah yeah she was so she was very excited oh she's here yeah nice it's not at the show but she's around oh she's not so she's not here yeah she's in awesome if she's alive oh oh

well i mean that like is she in the building is she she's not in the building is that what you guys she's with us she's with us in spirit she's still with us did you kill her despite yeah she a bigger lady too no she's not yeah i'm she Puerto Rican no okay no i don't have that problem it's a big problem i know yeah and she loves you and supports you i think so not support she can't support me but haha thank you what does she do for work she's teacher okay yeah what is she teaching i know it's not nutrition yeah she teaches third grade okay yeah very good young minds nice she's an idiot whoa why that took a turn wow good lord uh no i love her dad she's my favorite person on on this

planet i would not be anywhere without her but i fucking hate her and uh why do you hate her yeah she just talks you know i mean oh like a human being yeah oh my god it's a nightmare i know this person do you have kids no kids no kids then why do you stay in this if you hate her so much i love her to death i can't i love her i love her right it's like how you hate ice cream yeah you hate i hate candy oh how i hate bread do you steal money from her no thank you question not all of it just the two-thirds of it all right uh dairy and urwin very fun times thank you very much thank you so much dairy and urwin everybody getting i do believe i i think it would be arguable in court but i do believe he just got a job at rogan's uh new comedy club so great congratulations

you have one of those yet oh he's already got a look who's being honest now stole one there it is yeah all right back to the bucket we go you guys having fun out there yet all right make some noise for oan burk everybody here we go oan burk looks like a new name here he comes we got movement oan burk is walking towards the stage everybody one more time for oan everyone my deck is so big it would reach from here to kansas kansas city that is so apparently elon musk took his erect penis out showed it to a flight attendant

touched her leg and offered a deal he would buy her a horse for a massage first of all if you're talking about a horse while your dick is out you are either really dumb or you have a big piece of equipment at least he didn't put that shit in ludicrous mode shit if you put that dick in autopilot could have gone been a problem maybe uh maybe it already was there you go oan burk bringing out the west hollywood bear hello oan welcome what's up how are you what's up how's it going where did you come from main main did you move here to be homeless pretty much uh just sign up for a random open mic and

i love it do you do open mics often no first time it's your first time ever on stage what made you want to do this here tonight you were just how did you end up here um i just uh i really like the show you listen to the show sometimes and you came here for the first time is your first time seeing it live yes sir and you signed up yes sir and it's your first time ever being on stage doing anything at all no i've been on stage a little so much right you used to be atlanus more said am i correct yes that's not yes i'm too i'm not i'm not old enough for that one now you do have homeless vibes you do have

the vibe of like a guy that just uh shot up a grocery store in buffalo yeah yes if you make it big do you think in comedy do you think you'll take that money and put it into buying a second full sock yeah wow it is the heel is exposed it's nice the sexy touch those are flip-flops there's also yes a hole in the crotch the shirt is those pants look like they came right out of Kiev oh shit what's your what's your story oh when you live in your car oh yeah i'm camping right now yeah for you yeah some of that deep we can smell it but some of that sweet sweet car camping what kind of car are you camping in um i have a tent but i uh oh you're so you see you're a legit i'm pimping i got an air mattress

like you're full you're full homeless oh yeah i mean it it's totally voluntary like i could go home you could go home to main but you're choosing to be here how long have you been here just since uh saturday okay um were you forced out of main quick no no no no like i just uh i bought this car and then i was just like shit i could take this car to austin texas oh you stole it you stole the car you said you man stole i could take this car i didn't pay for it you did no not yet well i mean take the tags off if you want a job there's a door job open after oh yeah perfect timing you can make 150 bucks immediately yeah just peace out max city yeah go right back to main dude you'll be a king it's a good idea to leave main right before the most

beautiful time of the year there yeah what did you do in main other than catamine and fentanyl um i don't remember man and you don't know what you did in main did you have a job i was at you main for a while a what university of main oh student there you go would you do there main line i did uh forestry forestry forestry well that's good i guess i could see how a homeless guy could get into forestry that's where you got a ten there you go that's where you got your tent you are what you eat i love it so what's your big plan what made you choose texas what made you set up your tent here um you tony wow take the long way home

tony no don't oh and no and no they're laughing at the they're laughing at the music not at you oh and uh okay fine the last thing i need is this guy getting confidence up here people jesus christ oh and we literally what made you choose austin texas why no literally i came i was like damn i got a car i could get on the show it would be and then what and then what what's the plan like once you got on the show did you think that far no tony he got right on the other guy came a year i honestly know what if you didn't get on the show then what would you have what if you didn't get on the show then i would keep signing up man oh all right you would just keep living on the mattress are you begging are you like spanging what do they call it no no i got the job but

my independent contractor for a door dash really nice you work for door dash yeah what do you do go to franklin wait in line yeah it's not a deep madness wow by the way can somebody tell me he's facing the wrong way the audience that is unbelievable i've never seen it in the history of the show i've never seen a person facing the other direction before this is i believe one of the great moments in the history of the show our resident based player d madness enjoying himself from the audience literally facing the completely opposite direction this is an epic moment it is incredible yeah that's the way he faces when he's on stage he's used to facing that way during the show oh my god i just thought i was like cousin it

you want to rub it on oh my god oh my god that's so fucking funny he's facing an owens tent right now all right owen well i mean like what's your plan how are you gonna survive people want to know because you moved from a place in main this is your first time being homeless right it's your first time being in a tent yeah um well no i actually tried to run away twice when you were younger who would stop you um the police uh they stopped my parents say uh they called the cops who did you tell your parents that you were moving to texas yeah this what did they say give us back our china yeah give us back our car yeah make sure you take two full socks um

they were like finished college yeah and you were like actually everyone said did you finish college you went to university in main no you're going to graduate nope right and you heard this podcast and you're like whoa i could do that and so and so you came here and now what where do you see this going from here um i thought it was a good time so far uh probably stay in texas so sure okay so like yeah don't you have something i mean i like i mean so like for example i come here because i host the show right now you said that you moved here because of the show right yes so what the fuck do you understand anything that i'm saying to you like well i came to get on the show are you doing door dash here since saturday is that what you're saying yeah i can door dash

anywhere so i can go city to city have it fun and then if i if i bomb like a lot and then i hate comedy i'll just so i want to leave then i'll just leave did you get inspired to do comedy by the guy that attacked dave chappelle let me remind you guys let me remind you guys that i already thought this bucket was rigged 15 minutes ago i think i have proven once again tony that i have no control over who gets pulled out of this bucket i hope you don't mind but this seems like a failure right now and i'm gonna turn it into a success story here we go so what he does what's your name oan is that it oan yes man oh my god he's gonna give you a sock these are my favorite socks oh and all that i asked is and i want you to have them put put them on

outside put them on outside oan we don't need you changing socks in here we'll whip them around there you go disgusting ladies and gentlemen there he goes oan berk everybody with his always beautiful his first full pair of socks nice buddy always got nice feet you know what we should do something special do you guys like special things how many of you have been fans of the show for a long time well then you're in for a very very indeed a special treat ladies and gentlemen we once had a regular who was so strong and so powerful that god tried to take him from us and gave him al s full-blown luke erg's disease he retired from the show and now he is back

ladies and gentlemen this is the great michael lair everybody so if you know michael lair you know i spent most of my life as a walking white boy so i was excited to be disabled and see how society treats mutants but these so-called leaning cards opened minding social justice mutants did not accept me and why what was their excuse because i'm a white supremacist is that fair probably

no i'm not a white supremacist i actually consider myself jewish no for real my um dad is jewish there is a jewish german last name and um but because my dad is jewish and my mom's not jews don't consider me a jew which is a really fucking jewy thing to do you fucking jews no but you know when michael there is the freest man in america because my actions do not have constant one because no one will hate that guy in a wheelchair i promise i tell cops to fuck off they look at me and my tears and they're like

i don't know what to do i'm harder to deal with than a pro restaurant on a tcp i the doorman the very doorman that helped me on things that come up on things and do great comedy before they help me i look them in the eye and i say you look like ten pats a shin and a five-pound bag and every Friday night on this corner at downtown austin the blackies realize protest and every friday night i roll up to them and i interrupt their hate speech and i say hey you had a change for a dollar

because i don't care how fucking hard you are what the fuck are you gonna do when a guy in a wheelchair rolls them on you and asks you for a change for a dollar ladies and gentlemen michael there clocking in four minutes and 35 seconds of new material the west hollywood bear even knows to stay back for this man yeah because he is a mother fucker michael there another amazing performance thank you that one was one of my favorite for sure you know what the irony of my beginning this disease is that i've always talked to fans do comedy too fast eat too fast i got so the fuck up disease and there's some ways or in many it's helped my comedy

it is incredible you play the timing well lew garrick's disease arie actually has jew garrick's disease so yeah i can hardly see you through the hook and nose you've got you've actually got really good mic control thank you you i'm one of the biggest one-volume and two and a half million stars lone stars yeah thank you i love it michael you're a fucking stud thank you um um

i don't know how i kill it with some eggs what's that it was such a magical moment i didn't understand it at all can i go home now you want to leave all right there you go he gets to do whatever he wants great fucking hair one of the legends of the show's history perhaps truly the silver goat of the show how about how loud can this place get one more time for michael lair hey look it's the five pound shit guy oh kido key it's a real that's one way of doing handicap access just get three four hundred pound guys to lift him at once

one more time for michael lair back to the bucket we go where as we've learned tonight i could literally pull out a guy that moved here for this that lives in a tent at any given moment make some noise for your next comedian timmy gusto timmy gusto is the next here comes timmy gusto everybody one more time for timmy gusto everybody good to be here this feels like a safe space for toxic men i don't know i feel pretty safe i know i'm a toxic male because in 2017 i became a fan of louis ck i don't know that's what i discovered when he put out that apology letter i was like this guy's

pretty talented i don't care much for his comedy just the misconduct it's inspirational i don't know yep i work i don't agree with him on everything though i don't i don't think it's cool to jerk off in front of women i like to do it behind their backs way more fun yep my comedy career has gone great just worked my first corporate gig was at a clan rally they booed me off stage they said i was two racist fucking pussies we're like easy there buddy we don't do that anymore we don't hate the other races we just want the white one to keep going i was like you guys have changed timmy gusto out here taking chances i like it man that's art why is this episode so racist

so you like this whole night it is an extra racist episode the people in the flannel shirts are loving this show look at them out here we got some of the cast members of the new roseanne show out here tonight they're loving it there's just one table of fucking patriots out there cracking up at all these racial jails i saw howlin wolf johnson turn around for the first time i did what did you call him howlin wolf johnson who the fuck is that everybody's heard about to burn all right so timmy gusto you're up here you're a real boy down here from the north pole in the off season i love it did you feel did you feel bad we didn't have to reset the mic height did michael larry got on perfect after michael larry perfect segue are you from uh chicago

yes nice chicago you're very proud of it it's yeah you're up in it you're like sebastian up there i was gonna say yeah people say i sound like him yeah it's because you do because you're trying to yeah you said but it's a compliment you know you're like uh sebastian menis galco like elia page in one person sebastian uh sebastian page you are one of the palest italians i've ever seen in my entire life and a nice fanny pack too which is nice i'm afraid of you i'm afraid of the sun wow are you italian half italian what's the other half just straight up creepy half italian i like to do it behind the becks like nobody actually talks like that nobody do you really talk like that in life no what i'm excited okay that's cool oh yeah i talk like that do you have a shank on you right

now or something like what's in that fanny pack i don't know look at how unitalian that is that fanny pack does not match your accent whatsoever i know it's an urban outfit it's got some kind of hacky sack yeah i was hoping to be hidden the whole time yeah it popped out it's like joe peshy and jfk you know where he's yeah it's your first time here doing the show it's my second time were you less nervous last time or more nervous i was i wasn't nervous bullshit i saw your tongue shaking bro right now yeah you're a tiny little guy aren't you how much do you weigh i'd love to see you on a seesaw with that big guy from earlier get the scale where's the scale let's see the scale should we get the scale yeah all right i got timmy gusto weighing in at about 102 pounds by the way

86 i'm going 86 that's my carnival prediction but those of you listening to the podcast this might be one of the smallest men in the show's history it's actually quite incredible arie is activating it with his nose whoa 127 look at you damn 127 turns out he has lead balls in his fanny pack everybody how exciting it's all muscle yep his pure zinc in his fanny pack everyone i don't know what's heavy what's a heavy thing just gold i walk around a little carrying okay well i have yeah never mind if he if he tripled his weight he would be 50 pounds less than that other guy unbelievable unbelievable there's three and a half timmy gustos in that guy that's a lot of deep this what do you want me to say i love deep

how long you've been in austin buddy 10 months how you like it i like it yeah good he's getting you're getting more from chicago as the interview goes on this is incredible are you like listening to a chicago podcast in your ear right now i'm original i don't know i'm not i'm i'm pretty authentic i like yeah i like deep dish little malnati's that's the best yeah he's try eating some of it yeah little man you don't like little malnati's it's the same thing so peak ones what do you think is the most chicago thing about you you wear like uh like a thong or something like that a lot of weird Italian thing i don't know i'm from the suburbs actually no we know we know again nobody

inside that city talks like that you might as well have come up here and done like 1930 chicago we would have believed you better like hey i'm getting trouble up here see i'm just here because i'm running away from the cops i don't think they'll check the stage we now last time tom cruise was on the podcast we found out that he made a lot of money on uh bitcoins and oh yeah you remember me yes yeah uh you lost a lot of money the last couple weeks i'm gonna be started fuck you that's in the shitter little boy oh my god dude i was going great and ilan must further than i asked so it takes you heard it you heard a mad money this is sad money everybody everything's in the dumps stocks are down yeah and so are my enemies i used to be rolling it

let me ask you something do you really because the red band remembers he remembers all you people all you little people um is it bitcoin that you're invested in or do you have so they have something special for you like itty bitty coin it's a pretty coin itty bitty baby coin to be honest it's uh it's mostly doge coin uh-huh so yeah fucking ill i had to take his dick out ruin the except i'm actually cash for at the moment oh my god what a fucking character you are this is incredible i'm starting to believe his accent i i thought it was fake but i'm starting to believe it i thought how i thought yeah all my money is tied up in gold and doge so yeah i'm fucking i gotta sell one of my cars all your money's tied up in gold and doge yeah aren't you embarrassed

you have all your money invested in gold what are you about to do attack james bond like what is happening you never know you might need to give it away to some but you might need to tip some but you never know it's safer than inflation you know i'm half jewish by the way you call it the old italian dreidel there it is he's half jewish the bottom half the jewish spinner he's a dreidel uh that's pretty good yeah no every jew has a little bit of gold is that true is that true arie yeah it's true arie how much gold do you have where do you keep it yeah i'm gonna just tell a bunch of strange where i keep my gold that's why you brought me out here to uncover the fucking mystery of arie's gold

of curly sideburned gold oh god i love that shit i don't like to walk around with it though not that much all right so okay so timmy gusto so your mom's jewish no no no just genetically i'm just yeah not according to the stupid religion oh arie what do you think about him calling that what does that even mean your dad's jewish is that what you mean yeah nice his his grandpa was a holocaust survivor so i have jewish survivors my father was a holocaust survivor so i know i know look at you guys dropping the fucking old jewy street cred over here

i went to octoberfest also i'm german german it's part german wow uh nice dude so who are you closest with out of your parents my parents what do you want me to do the mother the father the holy spirit who gives a fuck tawny who the what the fuck are parents anyway get the fuck out of it i was walking there i didn't come from any fucking womb what is a womb anyway get a womb i guess my my mother if you actually want to know i don't know timmy what movie did you

watch before coming here tonight i don't know he's in it trying to figure what the fuck what is influencing this kind of behavior my cousin vinnie nice red man good job red man yeah it's more like my cousin mini uh objection your honor i'm sorry i don't see anybody where are you your honor i'm down there i love it timmy i would love to have you back on the secret show timmy just got booked on a real show we're gonna keep it moving along there goes timmy gusto everybody all right timmy the secrets out it's the giorno there's some gold by the way

whoa that's a real gold bar fucking tiny tim arie's gonna swallow it like a Tylenol he betches pocket change is that chocolate what is that oh my goodness are you giving that already what is that no he wants it just five ounces worth it's just pocket change how much is that how much is five ounces like ten grand really what is that what's gold on that this is the chew off guys arie does it feel like ten grand it feels like a lot of socks oh my goodness who carries around gold bars it's probably funny it is funny you want to back him right yeah if you want and some leprechaun shit john d said it's a chew off look yo this

motherfucker pulling out going the gold bars i'll get it back later i'll go fuck no do take the money here's how i know it's gold because all these chicks got wet that was funny but i can't i do want to take it though fuck how many of those do you have on you this is just when i walk around with carry you know pocket you know i just a just a dumb just in case what you can't cast that anywhere unless you want like horseshoes or something somebody's gonna muck i just thought it'd be funny all right it was it led to funny stuff you did it right he's gonna get robbed tonight there he goes he's about yeah he's about to give all right there it is that's a legal transaction welcome to another episode of white men getting

bullied by we just i'm pretty sure that is the most public robbery that's ever happened live on a podcast you just watched a little 124 pound boy give his gold bar to a cool black guy that's just life welcome to capitalism folks oh what a great way to rob somebody just menace them into giving you stuff this is one of those moments i do believe you're all going to remember from this night this young lady is uh truly i believe one of the top young rising comedians in the world this is one of those people that i always hope i pull out of the bucket that's always here and is killed every time she's been on the show ladies and gentlemen make some noise for liz splat everybody

liz splat here she comes the real deal liz splat everybody absolutely what's up guys i get told all the time i'm very aggressive and abrasive sometimes people tell me i have big dick energy i don't like that i prefer the term big clit energy you know what i mean especially because i'm kind of weird looking and i'm on your face you know what i mean i also kind of have a pink hue much like my own clitoris it's true i got an argument with my vibrator the other day that's how i knew i was aggressive yeah the reason we were arguing though is because i've got a climax and a fucking died on me disrespectful across the world but honestly

it's all good because we went to some couples therapy is it therapy if it's mediated by your butt plug we might never know but honestly it's okay because um i realized that uh you know i appreciate it for what it did you know like when men don't make me come i wish they would die you don't know what i'm saying but they don't not yet we're working on it it's a system i don't know how much time i have left it's exactly okay perfect liz splat very very fun a whole different fun little seasoning on this show hell yeah what a blessing indeed hey guys thank you right shit i have loved you since guy code i can't believe you're the only white guy that i might fuck actually ever whoa look at that sorry so sorry

how much gold do you have in your fanny pack i have i have some gold under the fanny pack oh nice baby you're Puerto Rican i'm in especially west she say hi to fishy dishes hell yeah good good shit i love it liz splat you are one of the funniest brides of chucky that have ever been on the entire show is incredible how's stand-up been going for you another very fun performance here yeah i mean it's always a blast being here it's been awesome dude i mean it's been the best i opened for joe rogan yeah here on this stage oh yep that's cool i've uh i'm actually headlining my home club at addison improv this thursday i'm really excited wow yeah liz splat and friends do you want to spot arie you can totally do a spot if you want thank you i

appreciate it wait would you fuck him too no no israel's kind of like africa huh israel's kind of africa that's kind of yeah how did you assume africa immediately you said you won't fuck white guys yep but i could have meant so many different other races we know what you meant yeah okay true enough that's true that's pretty cool addison improv is a real good club i know i know i'm so excited honestly i've done shrooms since i i for the first time since i've been on here last okay nice and also like four or five or six seven other times hell yeah so you've been on a little run you're on this yeah i'm on the run right now how was it what'd you do would you take the mushrooms wait what win what'd you do with them oh i uh i actually had a huge birthday party at my place

when it was like around my birthday and uh okay story checks out yep nice and uh we walked around the river and like my friend was holding a caterpillar you know i'm saying the big things in life and um and yeah then we went to the party and i was just like holy shit this is amazing life is amazing i am miss texas i'm the most gorgeous woman in the world and i miss texas you know how great that was to realize like you know a lot of people talk about like having a psych like you know a big breakthrough on shrooms and every time i just realized i am the most gorgeous woman in the world therefore making me miss texas it's great news okay i'm thrilled every time that's true thank you yeah it's like open look at all these ugly bitches agreeing with you i don't see them i just see me

and everyone that's true that's true so true i get it i feel like i was there when she said that i get it i get it what you're saying 100 percent yeah texas liz splat so how you've been surviving how's things going you made some money opening for joe rogan yep got a show coming up on thursday how do you survive describe to people what it's like uh you know wake up immediately grind zone in here every day 24 7 i get up i typically have a cup of coffee i have a vegan um kind of like soy shake that i put in my coffee is just wait that's not what miss texas would do it is what miss texas would do because that's what i did christa stephano can you guys believe i just said that that's crazy i'm on mushrooms okay you have a daily vegan soy shake yeah i have a little chocolate

vegan shake duh chocolate has been added well yeah obviously it's not a shake that i make it's a shake that i buy i put it in my coffee amped up i'd use it for like three or four coffees by that time i'm like jitter on the phone when i'm on i because i work i have a job what do you for not to brag yeah i work from home i'm customer service with a really cool app but i think i'd get fired if i said it there you go okay well we don't want you to get fired i don't want that yeah yeah who is how's uh how's your uh non-comedy non-work life been what you've been doing other than mushrooms for uh socializing lately um i'm just you know running the streets and then also um um fucking the hose oh good wait what what exactly does that mean well actually i had

to dump my fuck buddy that i used to talk about on here with you when you say fucking the hose is that how you describe a black man's peanuts uh like a hose is it like a fireman's hose not just better than you guys gave a credit for that's true the delivery was a little bit wibbly wobbly but i would say i wouldn't just say it's just their penis i would say the whole body is the hoe oh oh wow yeah from the body of hoe christ why'd you break up your fuck buddy um crazy story our issue fear uh he we were fucking as buddies do and story checks out again so friends are for he's hitting it from the backwards angle indeed that would be the right side of okay there you go tony just laugh you don't have to make that oh noise you're the ones that are being mean

liz is my friend yeah here's the thing you could that just goes to show tony constantly thinks about fucking me guys by the way that's true this chick's going to finger don't let the little frame fool you don't let his little frame fool you he wants a bbw that lady's going poop for sure you see how see how she's like tripping over people to go to the restroom she's clenching you guys had texmex before this am i correct what'd you eat before this what where did you eat before this shut the fuck up little scaredy cat it's the little boy from chicago's brother here we didn't eat anyway i love that guy i love it oh um anyway i caught him he was recording me from

the back no wait whoa flash on full pov homestyle pornography bro and speaker phone what you dumped him for that well here's the thing i thought about in the moment i said okay first off obviously i'm not cool with this i don't like this but then second i'm about to nut you know what i mean and i asked myself in this moment what kind of woman do you want to be you want to be the woman that gets her fucking nut you know what i'm saying that's what i'm saying i want to be queen latifah not oprah but you realized you were being recorded but you wanted to get your nut on yeah yeah that's exactly what happened with me during the pank video you're gonna be so proud of me go ahead it's how i come people i need some type of racial slur in my life you're gonna be so proud of me for what i turned

around and said to him and i swear to god hand on the bible i said this i said you can't have that i opened for joe rogan i said that in that moment it's like in that moment turning around to that guy come on you clap jesus fucking christ i can't wait to see when this video comes out but it was hawn he was like i opened for joe rogan too and both are on black twitter right now wow that's fucked up to the flash the flash on flash on oh that's how you caught him yeah because your whole life you hear like go to the light and then it was just this like huge cock railing me in is that what is that what made your nut because the first guy to fuck you in the light huh what'd you say yeah you knew when the lights came on that something shady was happening

then nobody could possibly turn the lights on on purpose with hold on hold on it like is there a i gotta get it together helicopter search light coming through my bedroom window right now oh my goodness that is incredible so many fun jokes what would you have said to that guy that was recording you if you hadn't just opened for joe rogan i would say do you fucking know who i am i i have done 15 minutes all over the city bitch that's what i would have said so you get him to delete the video uh yeah i got to delete the video do you look at me bro i fucking tackled him to the ground so you didn't well no i got it and then i deleted it out of deleted where my bitch is at the know about the deleted deleted did you airdrop it to yourself

no but i was like i get it this looks dope all these jokes about me looking whatever the fuck aside it looked dope okay i'm a thick white girl getting railed by a huge black guy that's true we could have made bucks bro i have to say this is up here dropping bars roseanne bars but she's an icon she's an icon by the way here's a tip if you have i cloud on you could turn it so it doesn't sink so what right when he took that video it probably went into the cloud and stayed there so when you deleted it you could just download it on your computer read download it you're a very creepy man you want to see it right very almost a criminal level why do you say that like he saw the video wasn't red man red man if you saw that video you would go blind

like d madness that's what happened to d madness whoa d madness facing the other way looking very angry right now oh no he's smiling he's smiling there he is there he is he's d madness loves it he loves liz are you in town thursday we'd love to have you on the secret i would love to be there no wait i'm headlining thursday oh sorry i'm headlining out of sunday and proff thursday can i do next thursday yep yeah double books the funny thing ladies and gentlemen liz splat everybody there she goes you guys think we should go to the bucket one more time huh all right let's see what happens here okay make some noise for chelby morgan everybody

chelby morgan that looks like a new name i've never heard of a chelby morgan before make some noise for chelby everybody thank you did you know that in Idaho you can pay $200 a night to stay in a giant potato you know in austin you can just ask me nicely stings a little bit stings a little i do try to practice self-love sometimes i spit my own mouth i have a boyfriend somehow but i don't like everything he takes me to do sometimes he tries to take me to the shooting range but i just don't enjoy it because for me shooting a gun is a lot like giving a hand job like most women i'm not very good at it and i

would really rather just put it in my mouth wow chelby morgan has made her killtoni debut ladies and gentlemen with a very very very funny minute that that potato joke was like a slow burner but yeah it was nice absolutely perfect self-deprecation very very funny you remind me a lot of um adrian aya paluchi great comic from new york she's excellent thank you so that was good yeah i'm actually from houston i'm uh visiting very nice uh so uh you're visiting from houston how long have you been on stand up uh seven months wow not bad not bad nice nice i love it this is your first time on killtoni however i do believe i've seen you before in my nightmares uh so this is exciting i do sleep paralysis on the side

i love it how's that i recognize you from under my bed is a child did she nice how's the houston comedy scene you know it's there yeah it used to be a good scene yeah and then legionist skanks came in and then i started there you go right are you latina uh no i'm a quarter tie but i'm white otherwise are you a quarter tie yeah are you a boy inside a quarter tie now what position is that on the football field exactly very nice bottom usually oh you dirty bitch chelby morgan oh my goodness making us go hard and soft at the same time it is incredible it is incredible what a conundrum yeah she got that choke wrong but it's not tight enough it's true it's only like a quarter tie stupid you are one of the funniest people in a backward shirt that we've had on in a very long

time yes it's incredible the pierces of though you went through one of those spinny machines where like your head went one way your legs went the other yeah yeah it's very interesting you drove here from houston yeah what are we driving nowadays i drive a akura oh okay did you come in with owen uh no from outside good is it cloudy all the time in houston uh no i just don't go outside much all right okay yeah i mean there was an italian boy up here a little bit paler than you a few minutes ago yes but he's long gone now it's my god i want it back he was he was really cool i just think he should be careful because like i saw a hawk very nice holy shit chelby morgan has arrived oh my goodness those are our kind of jokes right there i like it she thought of that which

was over there she's like please somebody bring that guy up please bring him up i like it i like it i'm gonna kill myself i love it chelby what do you do for work i do accounts payable so i can read story checks out yeah okay yeah wow all right accounts payable that's really all right you're very good really thank you i've been seven months damn it helps that does help with comedy yeah have you ever taken off your glasses do what do you want me to take no he's asking no no no no nobody wants to do that get a poncho you'll get come in the eye if you take off your glasses i can't see a thing without my a lot of the people think that red band's one of those guys that believes that every girl when they take off their glasses turns into a hot chick he's seen a

lot of rom-coms i think she's beautiful i'm an 80s boy can you maybe give it a try can we just glance at it wow should i keep them off their dream weaver a nightmare weaver or something like that their applause is actually booing for your regular looks yeah indeed no you're a very pretty girl chelby there you are yeah absolutely doesn't make up for the body but you know i mean you know you're right the pandemic was tough because i had to wear a mask yeah and i was like that's all i fucking got dude like i love it what do you do for how do you just stay the same for halloween yeah you just go out like oh people are like oh wow i mean a lot of girls dress up like whores

anyways all right who's the boyfriend how long you guys been dating who you said in your act you said in your act that you had a boyfriend is that true oh no i broke up with him over text oh let's make believe wait wait wait wait stop very good you said that you broke up with him over text today yeah no way why let's talk about this uh shit he's probably gonna watch this it's okay it won't be up for two weeks is he a comedian as well you should have called him yeah he'll get the text by the time this comes out yeah he's a he's a comic okay okay this is his name in the bucket too oh no he's in houston oh god okay and what made you break up with him via text today it's okay that he sees us top three top three reasons we were just we were just dating for six months and he never uh i

didn't feel like he really expressed that he liked me that much and i was like oh you know i want to i could be with someone that does like me you know i have an okay face i can get out there so wow look at that i like that beautiful that was i like that that was just a serious answer that wasn't really that wasn't even sorry i haven't it's been well it's fresh for six hours yeah it just happened damn what did he text back yeah what did he say new number who this yeah yeah yeah yeah no i mean he was just like about time like there's the job so you really broke up with him today via text message yep for six months you were with him and you feel like this is is this the first time you guys broke up like yeah like you

might like have like a makeup session or something when you get home fuck if i know man so it was just booty car shit it wasn't really like we were really it was it was you know it was what it was i feel bad talking about it like i said he's probably gonna she said love you it's a live interview no he never said i love you that was part of it no yeah i don't say it first how small is this dick it's good okay red band you're getting very excited over here wow that red bull is mixing with the wispy no to his credit to his credit he has a fucking hog whoa god damn and he used to have a pig up until today you know what i mean where's the back lights on that thank you that deserves it that one deserve

it's good she's laughing you can laugh you can laugh it's fine a lot of threes and fours and fives in this room getting a little not laughy right now you guys look a little concerned she's louise so in houston where do you mostly perform uh the seeker group and then Rudd yards over in montrose records uh Rudd yards yeah records seeker groups great yeah yeah yeah so not fun they're a lot of fun what do you do for fun any hobbies or any special skills or talents that aren't comedy related i like to draw and paint my creative person break hearts digitally yeah yeah that's very yeah i'd like to text somebody that's heartless that's tough we don't talk on the phone i'm 22 i'm not good on the phone so oh wow 20 what does that mean you're not good at the phone

i don't like talking to people over the phone it gives me anxiety oh you guys just text yeah is that what's happening yes younger people did you ever meet this guy in person no i mean he just sent me pictures of his hog and i was like man let's wow absolutely incredible good for you you almost exclusively only refer to it as a hog what do you call your vagina the pig pin whoa she activated a backlight wow wow this is perhaps a self-deprecation master like we've never quite seen before i mean this is literally the name of the game is being able to make fun of yourself you're fucking great for seven months yeah that's great nuts that's not thank you oh my god you know if you're ever in austin i don't want you to drive all the way here from

houston to do it but i would love anytime you're in austin to do a secret show just let me know yeah that's a big deal that's a real show that's a legit show with legit comedians what was that that's a legit show yeah i know i know yeah i've seen i've heard about it indeed of course you have very good he was like he was like he didn't react at all you have the same face of for excitement as you have for uh disappointment it's very interesting you've made me the luckiest girl in the world i'm very excited about that gig i'm really high i'm sorry very cool very interesting and how good it's self-deprecation you are for 22 years old uh is stand-up something that you've always wanted to do like what's the uh i mean i've always been

like the funny one in my group because i couldn't be the pretty one so right uh so i just grew up using it as a coping mechanism and then coping with stuff that happens and it's just always been my go-to and i've always liked stand-up but then i ended up just making friends with some local stand-up comedians in houston and then watching the scene and watching people do poorly enough where i was like oh shit i could do that yeah and then i started and i've never i would never dream of quitting it's been awesome so far yeah yeah yeah you also seem very very intelligent do you graduate college oh fuck no i'm uneducated as hell bro wow you seem like intelligent intelligent no i would just i mean i read a lot in school because i didn't have friends but uh

college is expensive it turns out are your parents did you're like what's going up with your parents i i'm sensing like a vibe no they just don't uh like your dad killed himself in front of you or something like that he is dead um but i knew it oh wow how long has he been dead for i knew it uh christ has a special skill that he can tell if your dad's dead yes i knew it i if you were a dead dad and you were in latina i would give my fucking life to you um i can pass but he died recently what's up how long was he been dead yeah uh since i was 15 okay so seven years how did he die uh cigarettes he had emphysema oh that's a brutal way to go out slow burn but you know my goodness but no that's the that's probably the only time you've ever taken a man's breath away

stupid stupid chaos hasn't sued ladies and has your mom moved on alone oh yeah no she cheated on him and left him a long time ago wow so we smoke himself to death yeah it was just him and his fucking marboros dude oh my god incredible so is your mom with the guy that she cheated on him with yes wow they stayed together yes they had two kids whoa okay so you have some half brothers and half sisters was your dad still alive to see all that yeah oh that sucks and he just died of emphysema yeah yeah yeah what a brutal and his daughter looks like me like oh and then thank god he's dead he doesn't have to see you do and stand up yeah that's the most disappointing thing that would yeah

do it yeah but you're really good at it yeah thank you thank you stick with it for sure i like to think it's what he died for incredible it is completely uneducated self deprecating absolutely hilarious performance how about one more time for chelby morrigan everybody take a big joke book by the great bonsai that's real texas handmade leather right there that is the kill tony debut of chelby morrigan chelby morrigan all one word follow her on social media there she goes chelby morrigan everybody how long has this gone on that's great oh okay you guys ready to put a ribbon on this fucking thing or what huh an episode like this there's truly only one way where we even possibly could end it even if we tried a thousand times this is the only way to do it the longest standing

regular in the history of the show this man has been working the last three weekends in a row of his life on the road living the dream ladies and gentlemen this is the big red machine the memphis strangler william montgomery here we go with a brand new minute a little bit about me my girlfriend just broke up with me via text i'm excited to be performing in front of dash from the incredibles if he grew up and joined the arian nation i was watching forensic files over the weekend and a girl got murdered and they interviewed the mom and family and they were all like oh samantha was going to be the best dentist she was so smart and i'm just like wait samantha was going to be a great dentist it showed

her eating chalk and playing in the ball pit at chuckie cheese at 17 i thought she was retarded okay i'm still working on that one that was a tongue twister i got real high shit it is let's see how this next one it has come out that the new monkey box outbreak spread because an old woman was having sex with people at a music festival in belgium hey red band i'm just trying to figure out how the fuck your old ass mom made it all the way to antwerp don't smoke pcp and get on ebay 42 hours later i had a mixed lot of 50 vintage troll dolls and was enrolled to fight for the ukrainian army don't smoke pcp and go to a music festival

in antwerp 42 hours later i had sores all over my body and was frantically trying to find a plan b for red bands mom that old bitch okay oh man you know how to make me hard as a rock well you know these red bands mom's jokes might be the greatest nuclear warfare i've already we tell them what's up with my mom his mom gave me herpes did she yeah she's such a fucking slut like that she's giving all kinds of people herpes wow william did you know that cross red bands mom gives fucking everybody herpes did you know that chris chris your name is chris right i thought you were saying chris your name is chris right dude i feel like a civil your name's chris right yes i think we're saying okay i was seeing

what your fucking name was dude oh my god william is wild he's a wild beast i should have warned you a little bit more perhaps he's got great feet yeah thank you that's why i wear my fucking flip flops as much as i can don't look at his knees they're two they're two faces whoa he does have actual alien why does he have ketchup on his yes his knees look like anchor watt god why do i wear shorts tonight oh my god why do we're flip flops tonight it is incredible paying tribute to the late great hey can i break in for a second that lady never came back from pooping oh she got mad oh i was embarrassed so i laughed she's still pooping these fucking people nowadays you can't even i i was poop shamed what are some dumbasses taking a shit right now what the fuck are they

doing she was wobbling tripping over people to go take a hot dump and then all of a sudden she probably fucking i don't know you know the people that we're sitting next to you guys all come together what do you think happened there what happened her boyfriend was pretty drunk now but he left after her the whole poop incident right or was he he was already gone she did go to the shitter i saw her go to the women's room i was thinking of god get to the point bitch oh my goodness william be nice be nice yo god damn be nice william she has fucking bad baby energies you be careful get to the boy yo she's gonna try to get you to cash her outside if you keep this up yes and her boyfriend looks like george zimmerman do not fucking

that woman he's got no hoodie he's safe shut the fuck up dude van go is going fucking wild right now i don't get it i don't get it either i probably picked the wrong painter william on gummary has incredible energy we just have good energy four sold out shows in salt lake city you and i did this weekend it was great it was a real pleasure it was so funny when you ask the audience how many Mormons do we have in the crowd tonight and nobody made a noise anytime it is just strange i did a former Mormons it's a it's a misconception about this little did they know that they fell right into my trap by not clapping no they did they're yeah Mormon people are weird as shit i

william you had fun in salt lake city that was your first time there correct yes it was anything stand out to you about that trip or anything like that or i actually i don't know if y'all are gonna believe this or not i actually was able to kill three Mormon people buried him in a fucking shallow grave off the interstate now this is a new thing william's been doing the road lately and he comes back and he jokes about murdering people or it could be serious it's the it's the road rage i like it dude yeah i literally got in this green fort explorer and just fucking went hunting for Mormons i swear to god i slammed into four or five of them but three of them died it was the most gruesome thing ever i'm having this i was like

what am i doing it's you talk okay i'm still working on that how did you murder the people william how did you kill them just running into them their heads slammed into the what's going on with your ear what are you doing nothing go ahead tell me how you killed them i was going like 65 miles an hour and there was a group of them and i just went right into the middle of the group is that why your dumb ass has been up here this whole fucking night that's my stepdad is that why you've been up here this whole fucking night somebody get him out of here we don't always have paul demer here on the trombone and i told him earlier when we were in

the green room before the show i told him uh can you do that classic trombone like and he's like hell yeah i can and i go if i do this do it and i realized that we're at the end of the episode and i haven't done it but i wanted to do it so he got you good on that one well it was really fucking funny bitch william be nice he's a musician stop messing with the he looks like a fucking pussy to me oh shit paul what do you have to say about that that's loud as shit it got you good oh william be nice don't touch the artist don't touch the trombone

william don't touch don't touch his little plunger don't touch just talk no touch william don't touch his fucking william you suck that trombone william what are you doing over there william's tickling william william over here hey william don't touch guys stop playing romantic music right now the band is turning on me folks i believe they want to see william and paul demer have all out sex tonight just full doggy style sex like miss texas got shut up dude i hope you get ALS what yeah dude what you really hope that no of course i don't i do his hair is getting redder yeah i can't believe you fucking said that well if you do you do you'll be funnier maybe you're doing it william you're doing it be funnier shut up dude are you gonna come on me

william you're very oh it's getting a boner look at it oh shit dude look at it stop looking he's got a boner oh my god stop looking oh my god he's hard as a rock ladies and stop looking he's got he's never seen anything like this before it literally is hard to this is our first glimpse at the little red machine i think i finally found the rope that he strangles people with look at that there it is there it is a little trombone there it is you like it nice khaki woody you like it oh my i bet you fucking like it dude william what is your deal with chris what is happening is wrong with you let's get back sometimes that's what he does yeah can you believe that ory

wow william every week you're a little bit wilder a little bit more intense is there anything else that you want to talk about or i don't know if it i don't know if it's related to the deal breaking up with uh uh kirkland signature but i got a recall thing of fucking peanut butter i got the email from cosco yesterday and i've been eating that peanut butter jim i'm honestly a little worried i've salmonella right jiff you've been eating the famously uh jiff peanut butter has a recall right now if you if you get sick you consume it for a second pot of gold i like that one that is true i do like that one it's been a lucky charm it is weird that you're not the guy that had the bar of gold on him today it seems like that would be you yeah i wasn't i'm

worried that i might have salmonella i've been feeling good i've been having headaches every day it's not good now you told me over the weekend you told me that there was something that you wanted to plug on this show uh there's something that you've been doing to for making money on the side i do have a new only fans it's uh wow now i'm kidding i have a cameo if anybody needs a cameo they're only four hundred dollars so pretty cheap so hit me up on cameo can people only four hundred bucks is pretty shut the fuck up red man i'm trying to plug this cameo people put lipstick on your knees and then look make it look like if they taught you like they're talking or something or like oh my god punch it punch it yeah did your knees look like puppets why did i

wear shorts tonight i knew it was a fucking bad idea you look like sock they do why do you mean i'm talking about my knees can i hire you for my daughter's birthday party for your daughter's birthday party just fucking dress up your knees like in kanto and i'll give you a thousand for your daughter's birthday party it's like total recall it's time for puppet knees montgomery everybody old puppet knees does the puppet knees dance it looks like this puppet knees dance puppet oh my god look at those things they really look like jesus christ i mean those might be the ugliest knees can you fully extend can you straighten out william you're bending your knees clearly in order to straighten them out oh my god there's people i'm looking at people vomiting in the audience right

now yoni are you getting any of these people throwing up on their own laps it's like robocop without his helmet on yoni zoom in on his knees oh yoni get between get in there yoni doing look at the face on the knees do yoni get in on those knees william do you have any just get in on the fucking knees you dumbass william oh my god oh that is frightening oh oh oh oh oh look at that it looks like a like a haunted spirit in his knees it looks like it's like he's trying to get out he looks like that guy in total recall yes i'm never wearing shorts again what a fucking nightmare this is turned into why do we even own them look at what a nightmare this one's turned into oh my god and look at the look at the eyes i just shut up about my knee is it okay if i put eyebrows above

the eyes on your knees can i do it look at his eyes that's a mascara nobody needs to play that sing the blues let me see let me see let me see oh my god dude they look like haunts oh my god you got haunts in your legs it is in honor of the other regulars he has haunts on one and michael lair on the other asian asian heritage mark on your knees he's he's literally chinese japanese dirty knees look at these makes the noise for william Montgomery everybody hey how long can this place get for the great christis seven oh and aria shavir

the drawing from ryan j ebelt is in of aria and chris for tonight's episode guys how about one more hand for the amazing band huh this is the killtoni debut show him some love for the peterson brothers paul demer on the trombone d madness michael gonzalez matt mewling and the great john d's on the keys be sure to check out chris's special specie west she listened to his podcast christie chaos aria shavir shooting in special june 12th in brooklyn aria shavir dot com for tickets listen to skeptic tank and check them out in chicago and minneapolis coming out also chris is in providence in july uh check out everything haunts kim michael lair and william montgomery be sure to stay at the

w hotel use the promo code killtonian save 25 percent thank you to screwball peanut butter whiskey the w hotel and the red rose and the yellow rose love you guys thank you guys good night everybody thank you so so you