KILL TONY - #562 - FAHIM ANWAR

Episode Date: June 18, 2022

Fahim Anwar, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/30/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.Fahim Anwar: Hat Trick (Live At The Comedy Store) - Full Special 

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also.

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Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ["Kill Tony"] Hey, this is Redmay, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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One of my true brothers in the game. Make some noise for Faheem Anwar, everybody. Faheem is here. Hell yeah. His new special hat trick is out now on YouTube. So go out there after you watch this episode, put it in your reminder, set it in your phone right now. Hat trick on YouTube.

An incredible special where you perform in all three rooms of the comedy store, your maternity ward where we were built. Great idea. It's where we came up, where we met each other. Yep, and we would go up before and after each other continuously for years and years and years. You, more of a clean, physical, like...

I say pussy, come on. Yeah, you do. You say bad words. Shit. He's this pussy. I say racial slurs. So we're a little bit different. You know what I mean?

You can't have all types of beef in the same stew, you know what I mean? Yeah. And yeah, and here you are. You're in beautiful Texas. You've been having fun. You just did Joe Rogan. Yeah, yeah.

You've made it at EVs. Thanks for having me on this. It's cool. Of course. The comments from back in the day, letting me do the rounds for what's special. Of course. And you are Afghani.

I am Keith Turbin. Thanks for coming out. I really appreciate it. That's it. You have a supporter here. One more, you guys. And I think it's a sell. Yeah.

In a sea of white people, it's nice to have. This is incredible. I love it. It's called Hat Trick, too. A lot of people don't know it. At the comedy store, there's three rooms. And if you can play all the three rooms, everyone call it the Hat Trick.

In a night. Yeah. In a night. Yeah. And each room is so different. And I think that's what's great about the store. Yeah. The original room is great.

And the main room is bigger, like more Vegas showroom. Yeah. And then the belly room. Chappelle did his up there. It's like more of a hang. It's more of a vibe. Yeah.

It's very chill. And then there's Vulcan here, which is just a dirty EDM club on 6th Street. Not many people are excited to perform at a lesser-than-place than they're used to. But we've really taken advantage of it here. In fact, if you're wondering why there's a weird bottle of unopened champagne here,

it's because this is the one-year anniversary of us being here at Vulcan Gas Company. You sort of have to live in Austin to know how absolutely stupid it is that we do the show here every week. We could literally be doing fucking thousand-seat venues. And instead, we're here where there's like rats crawling up and down the screens and shit.

The bathrooms don't really quite work here. All the cameras and the toilets. Yeah. We like it because it's disgusting. So shout out. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at Vulcan? Having to deal with us every Monday. It's a nightmare.

Those are my friends from Florida over there. Hey, guys. How are you? Well, how fun. We're going to have a blast tonight. It's exciting stuff. You guys know how the show works. A bunch of comedians signed up

and put their names in a bucket for the opportunity to do perhaps 60 seconds on this show. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. And then I interview them about their life and what makes them interesting as a human being. And we're going to find out more about those people

after their 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. That's it. Are you ready to start this Mamma Jam or what, huh? We are ready for launch. There's only one person that we have kick off this show now with a brand new 60 seconds every single week. One of our most prized regulars of all time. We've watched this man go from living in a van,

masturbating regularly, to swimming in pussy, having his own apartment, being on jet rides, doing arenas. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kemp. It is Hans Kemp. Hey. Come on, thanks to boys for Hans Kemp, everybody. Happy Memorial Day. Today is Memorial Day, so I spent the day

being extra respectful to trees and bushes because that's what our troops are trying to look like. There's probably a troop in there. That's how good they are nowadays. A lot of the people in the greatest generation are dead, which is a relief because they were kind of annoying when they were alive. They were like, back when I was your age,

we defeated the Nazis. Well, half of you were the Nazis. Thanks for fixing the problem you created. Speaking of Nazis, I went to the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam when I was there and I realized that it's not really her house. She just squatted in the attic for a bit. It doesn't make it your house.

Thank you. Wow. Exactly, a brand new minute from Hans Kemp, who does this every week, makes it look easy, comes in with confidence and that locked-on smile of his. I'm so happy. Okay, what are you so happy about right now? I just got back from Las Vegas with my beautiful girlfriend Rachel.

We had lots of sex. Wow. My goodness. That's exciting. Where'd you guys stay? At the MGM Park. The parks at MGM and the New York, New York. Oh, it sounds like you slept in a park. That's good.

I'm sure they love that promotion. Very exciting, Hans. And what'd you do? Tell us about it. You were there for what? Two days? Two days. We watched Love by the Beatles. We saw the Silk Sonic do a little show for $300. What's that?

I don't know what Silk Sonic is. Silk Sonic is a R&B band. Bruno Mars, Anderson Pack, teamed up with Wet My Girlfriend's Panties. Oh, my goodness. That's it. They do the foreplay and you just come in and attack at the end. Yeah. Just slide right in.

Whoa. That was a real hook finger you had there, Hans. I love this get-up you're wearing. You look like you work at Race Trader Joe's. I don't even know what that means, really, but it's funnier than saying Trader Joe's. Why are you wearing that? I wore it in Vegas.

I got it at Goodwill. Silk Sonic's a very R&B, you know, like sort of like... Can you stop saying Sonic? You're making Red Band Hungry over there. Yeah, seriously. He pictures milkshakes and burgers every time. Those icies. Girls on roller skates coming up to his window.

Good to see you again, sir. I love it. So what about this silk Sonic? Oh, that was the kind of shirt that they kind of inspired me to buy. Oh, wow. All right. Okay. So Vegas was good.

What was the flight like for you? Because you seem... We found out recently that you are extremely thrifty. So I'm interested to know like what row on the airplane a guy like you would sit. I was in the back row. The back row? Yeah. So you're telling me that I'm fucking nailed this question?

Yeah. Wow, perfect. Yeah, I was... It was literally the back row? Yeah, I was in the very back. God, so good at this. That's amazing. I mean, my odds are like one in 38 of getting that right, right?

Yeah. What airline? Spirit. Oh, my goodness. Holy shit. Here we go. Hey, hey. I thought Ari was on last week's episode.

This is great. Wow. Happy Asian Heritage Month. He's so happy to be Asian that he's Jewish when he travels. I love it. So Spirit Airlines, tell us about this. So what did you have? Any extra charges or anything like that?

Did anything surprise you? I mean, everything was pretty expensive. You know, we paid like 60 bucks for shots in Las Vegas. But on the airplane, they actually upgraded me to like an empty row. I was like, is there... The back row. Yeah, no. I got an exit seat.

They upgraded you closer to the middle of the airplane? Yeah. It's not really an upgrade. It's sideways grade. It's right by the bathroom. You're going to love it. Very interesting haunts. What else?

Oh, on the airplane, I sort of rode my girlfriend's clitoris. Wait a second. Okay. Now we're onto something. These are the issues that everybody wants to talk about. So tell us about the moment. Like, how long into this flight does this happen? What makes you want to start doing that?

Describe the way that Hans Kim thinks on a Spirit Airlines flight. What's she wearing? She was wearing a skirt. Yeah. Easy pussy access. Okay. She's wearing a skirt. You're wearing that shirt so you're lucky if anything happens.

And then what happens? And then the wheels leave the ground and then... Right, you take off. Very good. Middle Eastern friends, will you teach him what the airplane terminology is here? Come on. And then we start making out like, I love you. Oh, wow.

So you're in a gay relationship with this guy. It's very good. It's a gay straight couple. And then we just start locking lips and hands, handsing each other and... Handsing. Chief who said all these shows is just disappointed. It's my favorite. Even his shirt's making the same face right now.

It's very disappointed in you, Hans. I love it. How long do you go for? I mean, weren't you worried that like somebody in front of you, you know, where their ears like right there, they could hear you go... And stuff like that? Yeah, I mean... How long did you rub your girlfriend's vagina for?

About five minutes. Wow. That's not the button you're supposed to hit. Stop it, stop it. Look at those crazy sound effects on this show. Fahim, have you seen Hans Kim before? Yeah, I love Hans. I know Hans from Seattle, because he's a Seattle guy too.

He's always been a great joke writer, super sharp, and it's great to see his trajectory. You were in New York for a while, right? Yeah, yeah. And it's great to see him killing it now in Austin and all over. I forgot. You guys are both Seattle starting. That's where both of you guys got your start, right? Yeah.

I looked up to Fahim. He was a great headliner that come to visit Seattle and bless us with his L.A. ways. Yeah. No, he is. No, but you were always one of the guys. Like my brother's a big fan of you too, just like so sharp and dedicated to the craft and getting better. And you're so sharp.

There's no fat on your stuff. And that's yeah. All he does. I mean, he's literally all the time on this wacky spreadsheet of jokes that he has like a literal spreadsheet with just fucking, you know, titles of jokes and he's constantly adjusting things like he's crazy with it. Super Asian way of being a stand up comedian. I'm curious.

You were in New York for a bit, right? How long were you out there for? Three years. And then you were living in a van in New York too. So what was your experience of New York? And why did did you come here from New York? Yeah, I mean, I think New York is full of grimy like rats. Yeah.

Yeah. Is this comedians or actual rats? What are you talking about? Both. Okay. But yeah, they're they're like surviving like all they their personality is just survival. Yeah. But they're great people and I'd love to be back.

You wouldn't be you couldn't wear shirt like that around them. That's for sure. New Yorkers will fucking eat you alive. All right, Hans, you you did it. Another amazing way to start the show. You're the best. Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you.

Here we go. Now we go to the bucket. This is where shit gets a little bit a little bit crazier because anything can happen here. We're about to meet someone. Actually, this young man's been on the show before. He's talented works here as a door guy. This is a brand new minute from yonder. Everybody yonder is here.

Hello. My name is yonder and I don't mean to brag, but I know where the clitoris is and I'm prepared to prove it. I look like Jesus if he turned the water in the blue mountain dew. I look like Jesus if he said to his disciples, follow me on Instagram. I look like Jesus if he turned two fish in a loaf of bread into enough food to feed a multitude and ate it all himself. I look like Jesus if instead of being nailed to a cross, he nailed his cousin. All of the best foods for you are all named after body parts, ear of corn, head of lettuce, pussy. Waka waka.

There it is, a minute from yonder, everybody. Hell yeah. You look like Jesus if every supper was the last supper. You can add that to your thing for free. That's just a gift. Thank you. You can just have that one. I'd like to give back to the Lord.

Thank you. Be fruitful and multiply. My goodness, look at you. What a great professional you are. You came in, you did good, joke, joke, joke, joke. How are you? I'm good. Feeling fine, morale is at an all time high.

Why is your morale higher than usual? Did you just follow the lead of your blood pressure? I'm following, yeah. A lot of salt in my diet. Man, I'm at the fucking epicenter of the greatest comedy city in the world right now and I got a fucking bird's eye view of it. There it is. Come on.

I love it. Yonder, you're also as well as a comedian, a door guy here at Vulcan. How's that going for you? Oh, pretty good. Just trying to explain politely to people the difference in repeating the last two lines of a punch line to your table and laughing because apparently they think it's the same thing. Wait, what do you mean?

Like, you know, when people are talking after somebody says a joke and they want to get a laugh at their table off of something the person on stage just said and rob a little laughter from the person on stage. You know, the people that are being paid to be up here? Not the ones sitting there. So you're learning how to hate the audience. It's a big part of being a door guy at a comedy club. Yeah.

It's part of the secret recipe. It is. You realize that they're just malleable humans and it's just a blur that really means nothing, you know what I mean? Much of regular people. Yeah. All right. I love it, Yonder.

What's been doing for fun? Um, I have been, uh, last night I was fooling around with a little, uh, little guitar pedals. Like, I play acoustic guitar by myself a lot and I'm not too, Matt Muelling over here is a wizard, a real wizard when it comes to like guitar pedals and stuff. So I was fucking around with that. But what's funny is that at 3 a.m. last night a house full of Congolese people were having a party right behind my house until 3 in the morning. What's Congolese?

Yeah, yeah, I don't really know Congolese and I am a known racist. Well, can you please tell me what are some stereotypes of the Congolese? What's this? I know, I can be prepared. Do you know what they're like, what word makes them the maddest or anything like that? Yeah. I need to know. If people come after me, I need to know.

What's the sound effect that you would use, you know, with these people? I don't even, uh, some loud music in a language I don't understand. I'm glad you asked. So, uh, basically we have one of those TVs that you can, like, cast your phone to and someone tried to cast their phone to our television in our living room and we Googled the name. And every single name that came up was someone, uh, from, I'm not sure, the Congo, wherever the Congolese are from. Google, red bands just taking a chance and going with an elephant sound effect.

We've done no research to know if there are elephants there at all, by the way. Red band just got a little excited. He gets a little trigger happy. We call them Alec Baldwin sometimes. He just pulls that trigger whether there's bullets in the gun or not. Does it, whoa. Okay. So Congolese are basically, they are deeply African-American here.

Yes. I take back that sound effect. And I, uh, want to use it with this. There you go. A little bit more like that. Yeah, we had to shazam the music they were playing because we didn't know any of the songs. Well, how could you when it's just all drums and stuff, right? I thought there was a sacrifice happening.

Very. Imagine what they must think about having you as a neighbor. I don't know, man. It's probably not a lot different than the white folk from where they're from. You know, like kind of all look like this. Nobody looks like that. Yeah. I don't know exactly where you've been, but nobody looks like the dad from Teen Wolf at

a Grateful Dead concert. Quite like you do. Yeah. I do like the Grateful Dead. This isn't exactly, it is. You look like you love the Grateful Bread too. Oh, listen to that sound that people make sometimes. Grateful Garlic Bread.

Hey, one word more than you need, but you're right. You're right. I like that. I'm punching down. Yeah, absolutely. Yonder, you are a amazing musician. Is there anything you want to do or anything? You guys want to hear Yonder do something?

He has a very special skill. I don't know. What do you think Yonder? His shirt, by the way, with that beard, it makes it look like, it looks like, I thought that was Sigourney Weaver. I didn't even know that was Princess Diane. Wait, what are you talking about? Nothing.

Oh, I see. You're making a joke about his T-shirt. Yeah. Sigourney Weaver T-shirt joke. Soundboard appears to be down right now, so improvising. Look at that. I wonder how many X's are on the tag of that undershirt that he's wearing. You know what I mean?

Like, how much larger than an XXXL? All right. Something's about to happen here. Jesus Christ, Yonder. Unbelievable. That is absolutely amazing. Not many modern-day musicians have the balls to come out here and play 70s porn music, but Yonder, I would love to have you on the show Thursday, Secret Show Thursday.

Thank you. Look at that. Absolutely. And great job on the guitar. Fantastic comedy, as always. Congratulations. You seem happy. Are you happy?

For the first time, yeah, I think so. Like, ever maybe. Wow. Yeah. You already have a joke book, right? Yeah, I have a small one. I have a custom one. I got an official one.

You never got an official one. We'll give you one right now. This is actually the 500th leather book that Bones Eye has made in the history of the show. He hand-makes. That's real Texas leather right there by a real fucking... There he goes. Yonder Wizard, everybody. Follow me, Yonder Wizard.

W-I-Z-Z-E-R-D. Are you guys having fun yet, huh? All right, back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Michael Ridley, everyone. Here we go. Michael Ridley. Whoa, here he is.

Yo, what the fuck is good, Vulcan? You guys been watching Love on the Spectrum US Season 1? Yo, those autistic girls are hot, dude. And I know I'm in the runnings with them, too, because my younger brother's autistic. So I know in my gene pool, I was like two big spin clicks away. You know what I mean? I was that close. I'm watching this show with my wife.

I'm like, I would fuck her. I would clap those cheeks. I want to see the autistic titties. I want to see them. I know that I'm that much of a piece of shit. That I would slither my way onto that set. I thought I got a big pot for being on Kill Tony, dude. Could you imagine if I was on Love on the Spectrum?

All right, I had a whole character to go in, but I ran out of time. Let's go. Go for it. Okay, I'll finish it. Okay. There you go. This is Michael. He's 29 years old. He likes Legos, and he's scared of black people. Hi.

Are you familiar with Mark Hamill's work on Batman the Animated Series from the 1990s? I'm a big fan of Mark Hamill's Joker from Batman the Animated Series from the 1990s. Would you like to hear my Joker impression from Batman the Animated Series from the 1990s? Hello, Tony. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic because I can do that impression. All right. There you go, Michael Ridley doing a full two minutes. Got a little extension there and made the most of it.

Welcome back, Faheen. I got to say, I do like the power move of watch my glasses while I rip. Sorry, brother. Vipers, dude. I didn't even notice that. Pit Vipers, and I'm in text. I'll watch my glasses. Check this out.

I'm going to close with autism. When he did, he killed it. He killed with fucking watch my glasses energy. That was incredible. It came right up. I love it. What if this did ear you? I'm a little confused.

Are you Congolese? No. I'm not Congolese. You're like Congolese rice. I don't know. Oh, my God. No, I'm Filipino. I'm a water Mexican.

Oh, shit. We got some Filipinos in the house. Filipinos in the crowd here. There's a whole fucking packy out. I've been waiting 11 years to do that. I needed a group of Filipinos. By the way, do you guys watch the show you was talking about? I love it.

It is one of the best shows I've ever made. Wait till you get to season three. But I also have fallen in love with all the autistic women. Like, I follow them on Instagram. I send, like, Crystallia things. Okay, come on. Red band. Crystallia things.

Oh, my God. What? Heart-hitting punchlines? What are we talking about here? I just don't like the title. I love on the spectrum. I think it should be, like, Downs to Fuck or something like that. Hell, yes.

Oh, wow. Whoa. You activated the lights. There's new lights that they put in. But I just activated with that joke. Hell, yeah. That is incredible. Oh, my God.

But you're into these autistic girls. Do you ever see them on the screen and you ever try to make it rain, man? It's an autistic. Definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely. Yeah, I'm in autistic girls. I married a white woman who likes Harry Potter, so... Oh, shit.

Hell, yeah. And then you showed her your Hogwarts, huh? Yeah. I slid her then, you know what I'm saying? Wow. I showed her. Had to show her my Chamber of Secrets, bro. Oh, yeah.

Just kicked open that Dumbledore and fucking... The boy who came. I don't even know. What if the rest of the show was just... Harry Potter puns, yeah. For, like, three hours. The hoarder of the Phoenix. Wait, what?

They're really running out here quickly. That's amazing. I love it. So you got a white girl. What does she do? She works for a construction company. Oh, okay. Yeah, she does all the fucking computer stuff.

I don't know. Oh, all right. Does she look like she works at a construction company? Absolutely not. She looks like a librarian from an anime or something. I was gonna say. I mean, it seems to me that you're attracted to people that wear hard hats, so...

Goddamn, it's still going. It's still going, yeah. Remember that he's attracted to autistic people part of the... All right. They don't really wear helmets, but it all falls under retarded to me. You know what I mean? We all know what show you're at.

We all know what you bought tickets for here tonight. Mark down the R-word on your Kill Tony bingo card. Everybody has been called. It has been called. I love it. God. And so what do you do for work? We talked about this last time.

I work at a body shop. I buy parts. It sucks. It's a nightmare. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm gonna work here.

Yeah, he's actually gonna move here. I'm gonna move here in like November, December. Where do you live again? Houston? Virginia. Houston. Holy shit. Yeah.

And from Houston... Have you been to Houston? It's basically Virginia. Yeah, dude, the climate's the same. A lot of Mexicans, cool cars. Right. Okay. So how often do you come down here?

Because you've been on the show once before. Yeah, I came for South by, and then I was trying to come here for my birthday, but, you know, I had other bookings back home, so I... Whoa, sorry. I know. Sorry you couldn't make it busy, man. Jenkins over here. Look at you.

You know, good people back home take care of me. So I flew out here, and I had no expectations as to what was gonna happen. I was just grateful. I'm just happy to be here, dude. I fucking love this place. I love Austin, Texas. Okay. I love the Vulcan Gas Company.

I love you and Red Band. You guys are doing great things for fucking people like me. Just little nobodies just out here. That's right. How long have you been out here for? I leave tonight. Oh, wow. At five.

I leave here at five. Five in the morning? Yeah. Incredible. And where in our line are you flying? Delta. Okay. That's a good one.

That's not bad. Oh, even the guy wearing that shirt likes Delta. It's incredible. He gave it a one clap. Delta's okay. Yeah. They're all right. They're pretty good.

You know, I prefer American. They have a really great movie selection right now. It is incredible. I watched Beetlejuice on my way home. Is that what it did for you? Today from Puerto Rico. Yeah, if you have Beetlejuice, I'm happy. American hats, by the way, for a fat person,

American has the smallest seats, just so you guys know. It's the worst. Oh, there you go, for you morbidly obese people out there keeping an eye on the comfort of your ass. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. And you seem like you'd be pretty far in the back as well.

Am I correct? Yes. Well, I'm only half Asian. So I'm like three quarters the way back right rear. I like, I like to, I like to be in a window like this. I got a fucked up shoulder. Right. You do.

How'd you fuck up your shoulder? I stole a motorcycle helmet on my 21st birthday at a bar and I ran outside with it and the helmet was too big and I tripped over a curb and like took all of the energy into my shoulder and dislocated it. Oh, shit. You put the helmet on and started running. Yeah.

Like a drunk, like a drunk white woman on six. Just like helmet. Yeah. Your 21st birthday. Yeah. You stole another man's helmet. Yes. Ran out of the bar.

Yes. With it on. Yes. You put it on in the bar. Yes. And then you ran out. Yes. Tripped over a curb.

And he was chasing you. No. Holy shit, man. Wow. This is incredible. You weren't even going to talk about this. No. Were you laying on the ground, like help me?

And then they came out and go, hey, that's my helmet. No, it's like they watched me do it. They're like, he's not going to get far. He can't see. When you're wearing the helmet, you can't see down. Oh my God. Did you ask for the security footage from the bar? It's gone, dude.

That bar doesn't exist anymore. I wish I had that footage. Wow. Jesus. When did you turn 21, 1945? Yeah. Come on, Tony. Come on, Tony.

God damn it. I'm not that old, Tony. That bar got taken out by the Germans. 2013. I love it. Well, normally I would invite you to the show, but I'll invite you next time you come here. Thank you so much. Thank you, Red Band.

Michael Ridley, a really, really great performance. There he goes. Michael Ridley. You have one. Michael, do you got one of these books? You got one of these books last time, right? Yeah, I think so. You got one of these books last time you were on?

Really? All right. There you go. Michael Ridley. I literally can't plug his Instagram. It has a racial slur in it. Yeah, it rhymes with kitchen sink. No, just don't, Red Band.

How about, no, it doesn't rhyme with anything. All right. This doesn't look like a real name, but I'm going to say it anyway. Make some noise for Jack Horner, everyone. Jack Horner. I can spot fake names. Oh, okay. It's a real human.

Here he comes. One more time for Jack Horner, everybody. Oh my God. Oh my God. Is everybody excited? Make some fucking noise. Who's fucking tonight? Who's fucking tonight?

Make some noise. Anybody fucking? Oh, man. I get tons of sex. I'm an alpha male. It's obvious, especially since I moved to Austin, you know? I'm talking. Goddamn it.

I fucking hate these microphones. I'm talking this shit right here. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking this shit right here. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. He knows what I'm fucking talking about. Oh, fuck. Did sex not good at the after sex conversation?

Chicks say weird shit. Like last time after sex, the girl was like, hey, you think the point of sex isn't to connect with the other person, but to distract from the cold bitter reality that we're born alone and will one day die alone? And I said, whoa, I sure as a lot of fancy talk for a prostitute named Laquisha. Spelled L at sign QUE dollar sign dollar sign lower case I capital A for 50% off her next visit. Use the promo code white Laquisha.

Oh, man. Got a shitload of crippled jokes. Very crippled. Oh, shit. That's a minute 17, but I want to hear some of the can you do a couple of your crippled jokes. Yeah. Just like everybody else.

Yeah. No, I will. Before I do 15 of them in a row, I want to hear a couple of yours. All right. All right. Guys, guys, I'm just like everybody else. All right. I have a message, right?

Just like everybody else. I tie a belt around my neck during masturbation for a more powerful erection and longer lasting orgasm. Who's with me? Hey, I'm just like everybody else. I get in the car, go to work in the morning. Imagine stabbing my eighth grade bully to death going, who's the bitch now? Still me, but now I have a very large knife.

All right. Jack Horner making his kill Tony debut. I'm positive of it. I would remember you if you'd been on before. My goodness. Aren't you just a little bundle of energy? Yeah. Cocaine, you know, organic.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, man. I had a dream when I came out to Austin to get addicted to cocaine. Oh, man. It worked. Oh, fuck. Absolutely. I'm going to crash hard.

Oh, fuck. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he's sweating bullets right now. Oh, wow. No. I mean, it is incredible. He's soaking wet. Yeah. This guy is real.

Yeah. I mean, that's debatable. Yeah. This is an alias. I did kill somebody to get this fucking spot. What happened to your legs? What happened to my legs? Yeah.

What is it? Did you run out of a bar with an oversized helmet on or something? Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a sad story. It's a sad story. I was born premature, you know. That promise followed me my entire life.

Come on. Hey. I mean, you went a little bit over your time during your set tonight. Sorry. Thank you. I appreciate it. You didn't end premature. Okay.

That didn't get... Oh, oh. You went full term on your set tonight. Okay. So you were born prematurely. Then what happened? Yeah. Well...

You had a little cord raptor on your neck, and if so, were you already masturbating, coming out of the womb? Yeah. That deserves more. For those of you not laughing, you're not paying enough attention. You can watch my... You can watch my birth video. Don't get caught daydreaming out here like this fucking guy.

Shut up. These tourists, they try ketamine when they come to Austin for the first time. They're not used to it. I catch them daydreaming. What? Go ahead. So what happened? You're born prematurely.

Yeah. I was born prematurely. I mean, nothing else happened. No other thing. Like... That's it. That's it. I don't...

Like... That's why... I walk like this. I got hit by a car on the way over here, Tony. It's really amazing that I came here tonight. Aw, fuck. Yeah. Jack Horner, you're built for this shit.

Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Technically speaking, like three years, but I've taken some breaks. This is actually my 100th mic. Like, I've counted them? Yeah, no. I got out. This is cool.

100? Mic, yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, no. I feel it's a good omen, you know? I was like, fuck yeah.

I love it. Three years, you already saw it as a rock. Oh, thank you. I love it. I'm sorry about all those Crystal Lea messages I sent you. Yeah. Oh, no. Don't apologize.

Red band. Hardest direction I ever had. No belt required. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You are an improvisational guru. Look at you.

What do you do for work? I work at a cell phone store. Really? Yeah, I know. I'm guessing it's not Sprint. Hey. Yeah. Yeah.

Good job. Hey. Oh, man. No, it's not. Uh-uh. My company bought Sprint. Yeah, fuck those guys. It's, uh, yeah, I don't, I can't think of a good deal.

No, yeah, it's good. It's his own mobile. How long you been working in the cell phone industry? A couple of years. A couple of years. About the same amount of time I've been doing stand-up. Okay. Got a job.

And you talked about how you were with a prostitute named Laquisha. Yes. Is that true? No. No, I've never been with a prostitute named Laquisha. I've been with a few prostitutes. Like one time a prostitute like straight up asked me for like my condoms because I wasn't going to use them anyway, you know?

And she wasn't. Here's the thing. She wasn't being mean about it. She wasn't being, it was like she was stating the facts. Like the sky is blue, you know? And you know, can I have the condoms? You're not going to use them anyway, you know? Oh, you're the, you're the best person I've ever pulled out of the bucket.

Thank you. This is the greatest moment. Yeah, yeah, thank you. This is the greatest moment in the history of the show. You are a kill Tony machine. I mean, look at this. You're shaped like the letter X for some reason. Yeah.

That's what I have coursing through my blood right now, Tony. Come on. Molly, who's with me? Come on. Oh my God. I'm crashing hard guys. You are amazing. You have a perfect comedy head.

It is incredible. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty quick on my feet. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd imagine sometimes people walk into your cell phone store and just start laughing immediately. Yeah. No, I'm not very good at my job. If you come in, you should leave. I'm just kidding. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up? Pretty boring.

I spend a lot of time going to movies at the public library. I'm an intellectual Tony. At the library. A lot of things that include sitting. It seems like you like things with sitting. Sitting activities. I steal wheelchairs from people, you know. It's a power trip.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Do you ever take advantage of your handicap? No. I don't. Really? It's not something I really think about very much. Except like during sex.

Like I use it as an excuse not to do anything. Oh, okay. That's the only reason I'd never fucking other crippled. It's not because I'm a snob. It's because like who has to do stuff. You know what I'm saying? Right. Look at that.

Does the trash can next to your toilet have pee in it from when you go to the bathroom? No. I actually sit down and tuck it in. And the seat. The seat has pee on it because it's pretty large. You know what I'm saying? Huge cock everybody. Wow.

Yeah. Solid 6.5. Yeah. It is crooked. It is crooked. Wow. You are the shit, Jack. Thank you.

Unbelievable. When you order a prostitute, is there a certain type of girl that you look for? Fucking order a prostitute. It's not like Uber Eats, man. What? I don't order them. What are you talking about? I don't know how it works.

No. There is a lot of eating that happens. You know what I'm saying? I mean that's how Tony ordered. I mean like when you have enough money though, Tony like literally calls up a red man. I have no idea what you're talking about. This is so stupid. You're talking a lot this episode.

Yeah. No, it's a, it's, you got to like, if they're too good looking, they're probably cops, you know? So it's like you got to look for the fairly high priced like we're good looking like 10 years ago, phone on hard times types. Right. You know what I'm saying? Another thing to look out for is phone number.

They have to have the phone number attached there, right? Right. Make sure if the phone number is 911, you don't believe it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Learn that one the hard way. I love it. Got arrested.

Jack, in the bedroom, are you considered a premature ejaculator? No, no. Is every time, is all of your ejaculations premature just based on principle that you were born? That's a little too philosophical for me, Tony. If any ladies want to discuss that after the show, hit me up. You know what I'm saying? Son of a bitch.

Yeah. You know, Tony, if you want to know if a prostitute's really just lick their face, you could taste it. If they're a little salty, you know. Catch some more of Red Band's Amazing Jokes Thursdays where he does stand up all by himself up here. Really, you can you can hear some of the amazing music from Sixth Street playing. Well, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Wow. Jack Horner just got booked on a real show. Thank you. Thank you. Look at me now, mother. I'm in the show business. Wait a second. I made his mother.

Was your mom your eighth grade bully? No. Well, yeah, I was homeschooled. You know, we also fucked. It's a long, it's a long thing. You know, it's, I can't get into it now. I'm going to put it in the memo. And you're not on social media?

We didn't. Really? Not. Yeah. I'm not. I don't really have interesting. I post a lot of weird shit. Cripple people are killing it on social media.

Really? Who? Like who? There's a one I think he's called Crippled, right? Yeah. And there's a whole TV show. What? I don't.

I don't really keep up with that shit, man. I don't. All right. I don't. Yeah. You don't like to look down at handicap people? Yeah. I love that.

Only in person, not on social media, you know, so they can sense the superior energy. Yeah. Yeah. What? I love it. I love it. Thank you. I love you.

You absolutely killed. Come back. Sign up again so that we can get you out of this bucket again. Thank you. Yeah. Here's another minute, okay? I love you, man. Thank you.

Here's a joke book. Jack Horner. Hell yeah. Absolutely. There he goes. And not a guy that I would fucking let. He's scooting down the stairs, everybody. Wow.

The Kill Tony debut of Jack Horner. That was beautiful. I'm going to see that sliding down the steps in my nightmares tonight. So that's pretty exciting. If you're wondering what my nightmares are going to be about, it's just staircases with people reaching back for their joke books. Jack Horner, a great comedian, a guy I would not let serve red wine at a restaurant. You know what I mean?

All right. Back to the bucket we go. We only have two regulars here tonight with us, so we're going to meet some more people. Is that cool with you guys? All right. This looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Happy Bones Jones, everybody. Jack Horner is a tough act to follow.

This is going to be very interesting. We are waiting for the arrival of Happy Bones Jones. Is it happening? Nope. Someone's coming. Happy Bones. Whoa. Holy shit.

Oh, this is about to go down. Make some noise for Happy Bones Jones, everybody. Holy fuck. All right. So, like I was saying, I heard Joe Rogan admit that he could suck his ass. That he could suck his own dick a few weeks back on his podcast. Now, he said he doesn't actually suck it because that would be gay. But he knows he can do it because he gets his face right up beside it.

Now, of course I'm paraphrasing, but he gets his face right up beside it, grabs it and gives itself a little smack on the cheek. A little smack on the cheek. Just to start his day off nice, you know. And that's his penis and that's his prerogative. So, now I'm on a strict Joe Rogan workout regimen. I'm losing weight fast in the motherfucker. My girlfriend says she likes the way it feels when it's in her mouth and I'm trying to see

what that's like. So, when I get down there, I know I'm going to do a real good job for myself. And when I come in my mouth, I'm going to imagine that Tony is in the corner and he's like, swallow that shit. Fuck yeah. I like your style. You took the words right out of my mouth. Happy Bones Jones has arrived in the Kill Tony Universe.

I do indeed like your style. You are giving me a lot to work with. This is your second time being on the show tonight. You put on a hat for this one. I'm hoping we can get you to play guitar again in just a moment. You look like the Wizard of Oz if the Oz was the prison show on HBO. You guys remember that? It's an old show.

I like you a lot. You're from Louisiana? I am from Augusta, Georgia. Okay. Absolutely. The home of the Masters. I spent a lot of time in New Orleans though. That's why I kind of look like this.

Right. Absolutely. What do you do? What is your story? That's your first time ever on stage? No. Oh. This is my 15th time Michael.

Okay. Perfect. Welcome. 15th. So what have you been doing with yourself? You a truck driver or something? I am. Get real truck driver energies from you here.

I'm getting something where you like something where you pee your shit in a bucket. Well basically. A lot of Gatorade bottles. I'm a singer songwriter and I made a very modest living doing that from 15 up until COVID and then I watched all my fucking gigs go away in like a month and I was like what the fuck am I going to do for money? Damn. What do you play?

Mostly my shit but blues and rock and jazz. Okay. Right. Like guitar or something like that? Yeah. Guitar and sing. Okay. Very cool.

And you started that. You said since you were 15. Yeah. Wow. What got you into it so young? How'd that happen? I hated school and I had to figure something else out and I loved music and I was like music is magic.

Let me try that. Okay. Yeah. I mean very interesting. You sing too? Yes. Yeah. Interesting.

You guys want to hear a little something from Happy Bumpsters? I was making a joke earlier but you, I believe this is destiny. I think you and Yonder are meant to start a band together called the big scary looking motherfuckers. Maybe Yonder was right when he said there's a bunch of people that look like this. Is it just people like you on the second floor right now? Yeah. There's a bunch of us up there.

We all look crazy. You're just going to sing something? Are we waiting for D? Let's wait for D madness. Happy Bones Jones, you make a living playing music? A very modest fucking living. So when the pandemic happened, what'd you do to survive? Oh, so yeah, that's a thing.

Give us some life hacks. It comes to the driving part. So basically I started a pet transport business and so now I drive all over the country taking dogs and cats to motherfuckers. Whoa. Okay. And like being part of a pet transport business, what exactly does that entail? Basically, I pick up dogs from one place and I take them to another place.

Wow. No bones about it. That is pretty. You get what you pay for, you know what I mean? Very, very difficult. Is it mostly like wild dogs? Is it like pit bulls? It's like breeders.

I feel like nobody's getting their little chihuahua. So it's like people that are like, you know, there's a lot of snowbirds. So people in Montana like to live in Florida during the winter, that type of shit. Military people, people that are buying dogs from a breeder that's out of state. Anything ever go bad? Any of the dogs ever die and you're taking or anything? No, thank God. But I mean, I have been in a car with a dog that I was fucking terrified of.

Right. That dog's gonna kill. Yeah. Yeah, I can't imagine how scary that dog must have been. Yeah, I charge extra. What kind of dog was it? It was the Belgian Malinois. Oh, okay.

Yeah, and it wanted to eat me. Right. Yeah. I mean, it probably couldn't eat all of me, but at least like my hand or something. Right. That's not cool. And he was probably thinking the same thing about you sitting there looking at him. This guy is huge.

I love it. Yeah, but I'm on a Joe Rogan workout regimen, man. Are you? Wait, what Joe Rogan workout regimen? You do any physical exercise? No. No. No.

No. What's the closest you've come to exercise? Walking from my car to the restaurant. Wow. That's incredible. Happy Bones, D-Madness is back to play a little something with you. I have no idea what's going on. Cross road blues, isn't he?

Cross road blues. Is that a thing that people just know? You guys are... Musicians are crazy, dude. I can't even fucking... Like, no one ever turned... In the comedy world, we don't get that. Like, hey, can you play a...

That dick-joking... Basically just... Yeah. Wow, this bitch is requesting chords out here. Do you have anything in a B-minor? B-minor is Jeff Epstein's favorite chord, by the way. Oh, shut up. You guys are so picky and choosy.

I went down to the crossroads Felt down on my knees I went down to the crossroads Felt down on my knees As the load up above for mercy Ooh, take me if you please I went down to the crossroads Tried to flag me right

I went down to the crossroads Tried to flag me right But nobody seemed to know me Everybody just passed me by Wow. Wow. I love that shit. I could feel it.

Little Georgia, Louisiana, fucking. So what brings you to Texas? I killed Tony. Oh, wow, okay. So I... I discovered... Me and my girl discovered the podcast like four months ago and I was like, what the fuck is this?

Right. That's how we felt when we saw you come up here. It's perfect. It's mutual, my friend. Absolutely mutual. So I devoured like a hundred episodes in four months and... Wow. Yeah, because I drive a lot.

I love it. Look at you now. A sleigh? Now you're in the middle of it. I love it. He transports dogs and reindeer, everybody. He looks like Santa Claus with herpes. I've been up at the North Pole

For the good boys and girls. Fuck yeah. You stop and I'm not doing anymore. Shut up. Shut up. Oh, my God, this guy's throwing up gang signs. Oh, shit. All right, a couple more birds.

All right. Wow. You look like you've seen so much in life. Is there anything else? Any fun facts or things that you've seen? Like, I mean, you have tattoos all over your hands. I was raised by outlaw bikers. I let the kid next door.

Stuff my dick, stuff like that. Oh, shit. Did you come? Story of my life, bro. Did you come? Yeah, of course. What do you mean? Did he come, Red Band?

Have you ever had another man suck your dick before? Maybe the kid was bad. Guys don't stop before the mission is over, all right? Yeah, but if it's a next door kid, he might be able to like... Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. Red Band's secretly the gayest person on the show.

Nobody knows about it. I'm just a decoy out front. Like, hello, everybody! This is one of these real... You got a lot of these out here in Texas. A lot of these fucking secret, tough, gay guys out here. It's never the guys you think. It's the fucking tough acting Texan ones that fucking spit tobacco and swallow cum.

You know what I'm saying? It's a real thing. I can't quit you. Absolutely. Happy Bones Jones. I love it when we get fucking beautiful wild creatures like you on the show. I loved your performance. I loved your interview.

I loved your music. Incredible stuff. You have such a great energy to you. Next time you're driving through, come back, sign up again, will ya? Hell yes. Happy Bones Jones here, taking official Bones Eye. This is an Adrian Cavazzo's handmade leather joke book. Follow him on Instagram at Bones Eye with a Z in the middle.

Alright, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Rachel McMillan, everybody. Here we go. One more time for Rachel McMillan, everyone. I really love my boyfriend. The problem is, my husband is a jealous asshole. We don't have to share everything. I'm sober, so now I love anal.

My friend was asking me the other week, what was your drink of choice? Heroin. One of the weirdest things about getting sober, you find out you have kids. They say that alcoholism is genetic. Growing up, my uncles had needles all over their house. This day, a pen cushion is a big trigger for them, but I grew up privileged. When I was born, everybody got a silver spoon. That they could heat up.

Rachel McMillan, everybody, there you go. Absolutely, the Kill Tony debut of Rachel McMillan. Welcome to the show, Rachel. Thanks for having me. Indeed. How long have you been on stand-up for? A year and a half. A year and a half.

Very good. You stuck it all on one subject. They're all very believable material. I was losing my crack head heroin jokes by the second that I had loaded up for you, as you acknowledged it yourself. Very smart move. Rashida Jones from Parks and Recreational Drug Use over here. Indeed.

I never watched that show, but I'm sure that that is a spot on. You look like you have spent a lot of time in public parks. So, Rachel, how long ago did you get sober? I've been sober six and a half years. Six and a half years. Incredible. Meanwhile, all of that material worked so well because you look like you've only been sober for about 45 minutes, so it's exciting.

I've never heard that before. So, let's talk about your drug days. Like, how extreme did it get? Because I can sort of see it. I've done a few jail sentences. A couple what? A couple of jail sentences, yeah. For stealing at Walmart?

No. From stealing from my Alanon sponsor while dating a prosecutor. Oh, shit. You're wild. So, you started dating the prosecutor to get out of trouble? No. No? Just a total coincidence?

It was a coincidence. Praise Jesus. Wow. And did that help you dating a prosecutor? Well, he was the only person that recognized I had a drug problem and got me into rehab. That's great. Look at that. Do you stay in communication with him?

No, he's married now to a prosecutor. Oh, prosecutor. Indeed. Right. But they have a lot of fun arguing with one another. That's interesting. And what's your love life like, Rachel McMillan? I was engaged and now I'm not.

When was the engagement? About a month ago. Oh, wow. Okay. This is my bread and butter right here. I actually specialize in moments like this. This is where you get to feel the full effect of a real Kill Tony episode. Okay.

So, you were engaged. How long were you engaged for? That's a good question. Wow. Three months. Three months. You're thinking, me and this guy, we're going to get married. I've been engaged before.

Oh, okay. Are we talking about engaged in drug activities or? I love it. So, let's talk about it. What was this, what was the story between you and this guy? Where'd you meet him? How long were you dating for? We met in comedy.

Okay. Okay. So like a year and a half ago. That's a nightmare now. About a year ago. And then four months ago, he asks you to marry him. Did he ask you in a weird way? Drunk.

Oh, wow. He was drunk. Okay. He was drunk. Very drunk? I mean drunk enough to say, will you marry me? Was he not drunk enough to remember the next day that he asked you? Oh, he remembers.

No, yeah. Okay. And then a month ago, he calls it off or you call it off. It seems like he called it off. Yeah. Let's just say I plead the fifth. Oh, okay. No, stop it.

Red Band. Red Band is trying to imply that this was an African-American comedian. Is this true? Pardon? Was he African-American? No, sir. Okay. You see she answers like I'm a cop.

This is what I like about recovering drug addicts. Because they have a respect for the man. Nobody else says sir to me. You think Happy Bones Jones calls me sir? Okay. D-Madness is laughing. He doesn't even know what Happy Bones looks like. That's how crazy he is.

His instincts are amazing. He knows how silly looking Happy Bones Jones has to be for me to make that reference. D-Madness is the shit. Rachel McMillan. So where were we? A month ago, what happens? You plead the fifth? Come on.

It must be something good. We just separated. There was a guy earlier that never as we on stage talked about how on his 21st birthday he ran out of a bar wearing an oversized helmet. It turns out that that was wildly successful for him to bring up on the show. So I'm wondering what happened a month ago to end your engagement. We're just not engaged. Oh, it's got to be so good.

Oh my God. It has to be so good. You come up here. You're like, I love drugs. I love anal. Thank you. Good night. And I'm like, wait, what happened a month ago?

Why is your engagement up? You're like, I plead the fifth Tony. I cannot talk about this at all. Moving on. Here's my butthole. Here's my requiem for dream arms. I got track marks, skid marks. I'll talk about anything you want, Tony.

But I will not talk about what happened a month ago with this comedian. Do we know the comedian? Is that why you're keeping it a secret from us? That's what it is. Oh my God. Oh my goodness. Is it William Montgomery? I wish.

Erica. Oh my God. Erica's going to find out. Oh my God. On the first try. No. Okay. Personality conflict.

So Rachel, when's the last time you got in trouble? You've been in, you've been out of jail for six and a half years. Actually, let me ask you this. What do you do for a living now? I work as a paralegal. Oh, okay. A paralegal. Wow.

This is all very interesting. You stay, you just can't get away from the law and you're dressed like you just got out of jail today. So that's very, very exciting. I don't know. All we have is this two-shirt and boots lady. Get out of here. Take your freedom.

All right. So you're a paralegal. What do you do for fun? How do you fill the enormous void of heroin? That's the only reason I've never done heroin is because I'm afraid life would be unenjoyable after that. Literally. I can't wait.

I'm hoping to get one of these. Terminal illnesses or something. I'm going to go down to Puerto Rico and just do heroin until I die until I fall into the water. I have a plan. People ask me, why don't you quit smoking? It's because I know how I want to die. Okay.

Your turn. Go ahead. I do comedy. I produce a show in Houston and I'm a runner. Oh, there it is. The old runner's high. I know about this. We have sober friends.

One of the leaders of the comedy store, Argus Hamilton, has been famously sober for like 45 years. He used to do blow with Richard Pryor and Sam Kenneson and everybody. I mean, fucking everybody. He's a comedy store guy forever. He used to fuck Mitzy Shore literally and like chase a little tiny Pauly Shore around the house all drunk. Like it's crazy.

He's a legend. But he's been sober for like 40 years and you see him running around Beverly Hills every day, wearing like tube socks. He's like 130 years old. It's incredible. But it's a way for people to keep their wits about them. Sure. I guess.

I run every night. Do you only run from police? I don't. You seem like you're not very proud. I love it. How often do you run? I don't know. I love it.

How often do you run? Every night. Every night? Wow. On a track? Do you literally have track marks? That was good. It's a weird cross reference.

I already used track marks once, but it should have saved it for that one. I haven't used the needle. Thank God. But no, I just, I crossed country. I did the half marathon last year. Okay. Very cool. And do you really have kids?

I do. How many kids? Two teenage boys. Wow. Okay. And are they in high school? They are in high school, yes. All right.

Okay. Do you get to communicate with them? I do. You do. I communicate with them every day. And are they smart? Are they out here? One wants to play basketball professionally.

The other one, I'm almost certain I'm not his mom. No, I'm kidding. Wow. Look at that. Do any of these kids have any effects from your days of fun? Like, do they have any of that Jack Horner walking or anything like that? Any of that shit, you know what I mean? Nightmare shit?

They're the most. Any of that nightmare fucking? I guess if you hang out with comedians long enough like I do, they make comedians look like very young children. They're perfect angels. So. I love it. I love it.

That's incredible. They have a set. They have a promising future ahead of them and you've been doing stand up. I mean, it was a rock solid set. I mean, it really was, especially for a year and a half. You stayed in the pocket. You were there the whole time. Fahim, what do you think about this lady?

Yeah. Just tight jokes, dark, everything hit. Yeah. It's like, yeah, like that. Like style. You live in the dream, Rachel. Thank you. Yes, I am.

And you're based out of Houston? Yes. All right. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Thank you. Thank you. Very, very interesting set and follow her on social media at Princess Pilot Priest. We've run out of big joke books, but you can have a small one just as something to hold

you over there. Little. Thank you. Take one of those. Rachel McMillan, everybody. There she goes. All right. We're getting into it now.

We have to put a start to put a ribbon on this thing. People are shuffling around. We got Donald Trump's son going to the bathroom. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? How are you guys doing up on the balcony tonight? Poor people energies. That's what I hear. Poor people energies.

The last to buy their tickets. Okay. Your next comedian goes by the name of Kimberly Weddle, everyone. Kimberly Weddle. Oh, shit. There she is coming from the audience. Kimberly Weddle, everyone. What's up, folk?

Any Garth Brooks fans here tonight? I hear he has friends in low places. They got to be the ones helping him hide the bodies. I'm an artist. I also have a lot of tattoos. People will often ask me if I'm a tattoo artist or if I've ever thought about becoming one. I think it's kind of cool, but I like to hang my art up. I'd hate to give my art the opportunity to hang itself one day.

All that hard work and dedication. Six feet in the ground. Maybe cremated and tossed in the woods somewhere. Sometimes I identify as a man. When I'm ordering food and they ask for my name, I always say Alex. It's way shorter than Kimberly, and then my husband feels obligated to go get the food when it's ready. Thank you, everybody. Kimberly Weddle, everybody.

Kimberly, welcome, welcome. I'm guessing this is your first time here, right? Absolutely. You look like you're here to protest this show. Absolutely not. Absolutely incredible. I mean, I don't know what's going on here. This looks like a fucking tattoo shop walked into a library for some reason.

This is absolutely incredible. Absolutely. Is that denim that thing that you're wearing? It sure is. What part of Washington State are you from? What part of Oregon, Washington? Am I anywhere near close on this? I'm from Texas, Tony.

Really? Oh, shit. What part of Texas? San Angelo. San Angelo. I don't even know where that is. Oh, shit. The Latinos are excited.

I'm guessing it's by the border. San Angelo. What'd you say, Dee? Makes a lot of sense, though. San Angelo is special. San Angelo is special. Okay. All right.

We know this. Do you got a Bert Kreischer tattoo? Yeah. She has a legitimate Bert Kreischer tattoo on her leg. The machine meets the coffee machine. Because you look like a barista. That's why that's funny to me. And then there's some really, really interesting bad tattoos

on other parts of the body. You have some type of mermaid on your shoulder. Is that correct? Yes, yes. That is a big breasted mermaid with a head smaller than both of the breasts. Can you point that a little bit better to the audience so they can see exactly the misshapen mermaid

that I'm talking about? I wanted it to have big tits. I would never have those. Why not? Absolutely. No, that is true. You won't. So, Fahim, what do you think about Kimberly?

Is the fanny pack always? Always. I've worn a fanny pack for like six years straight. Is that part of the actor's life? It's my thing. It's just my thing. Okay. Wow.

Okay. Real Bonnaroo energies here. I love it. So, you're from Texas. How far is San Angelino from here? Three and a half hours. Why are you guys laughing? San Angelo.

San Angelo? Whatever. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a shit? It's all the same. Exactly. Three and a half hours. Three and a half hours.

Which direction? Northwest. Okay. All right. So, I was sort of close to Northwest. Very, very interesting. All right. So, Kimberly, I asked you what you do for work.

I work at Target. Oh, look at that. Incredible. Did you sell this guy his shirt? Absolutely. I sure did. My goodness. How long have you worked at Target for?

Two years. Two years. My goodness. The Saudi Arabian keeps hearing the word Target and wants to fly an airplane into it. Incredible. Incredible. What do you do specifically at the Target? I'm a manager.

Whoa. Look at you. Laying down the law. Firing people like the last comedian for doing drugs. Interesting. So, you work at a Target three and a half hours northwest. For those of you that don't know geography, well, you don't want to be in that part of Texas.

Let me just keep you updated. There is nothing over there. What is that? Like an eight hour drive to El Paso or something like that? Yes, pretty much. Just hot death. Just doubles rejects. People that look like you everywhere.

My goodness. Farm girl, right? Are you from a farm? No. No? What do your parents do? What does your family do? My dad is a fire truck mechanic.

Oh, okay. And my mom is a counselor. All right. Okay. And you came here with this crew over here? I sure did. Is that your boyfriend, the one with the hat on? That is my husband.

Oh my goodness. What does he do for work? Oh, he's a stay at home dad. Wow. Look at you. Live in the dream. Live in the dream. Just fucking pumping, coming, chilling.

Look at that. Just sleeping in. That's a full time job fucking for this thing over here. I'm sure. Oh, I love you so much. I can't imagine how hard it must be to get hard for that. I praise you, sir. I'm kidding.

Shut up. Look at these sad people in the audience. Shut the fuck up. She's having fun. Are those Kiltoni earrings that I'm seeing? They sure are. I made them. I painted them myself.

That is super cool. Wow. That's incredible. I like that. Very nice. Kimberly, what's another fun fact about you? You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I am an artist.

I paint a lot, but I also collect bones. Ooh. Wow. The bone collector has arrived. Wow. What kind of bones are we talking about? All of the bones, Tony. We like to go hiking and I just find them.

Oh my goodness. Oh my gosh. Wow. If you ever need anyone to suck the meat off, I'm right here. Yes, my friend. I love it. Kimberly, how many kids do you have? I have one.

Okay. Just one kid. Hell yeah. This guy's not good at his job. What's going on? You're working full time. One kid while she's out at Target firing fucking cholos. Jesus Christ.

You guys can laugh. The Mexicans are laughing. That Latina lady is doing this thing with her hands. That means it's good. There you go. We got them lit up. Oopsie. We're good with the Latinos.

You know what that sound means. They approve. Incredible. You've had to fire some people. Am I right? Managing a target in San Angelo. Cannot be easy. Sometimes.

What's a case that you had a tough time with? Like was there ever a criminal that did anything weird in your store or anything like that? Because Target, some crazy shit goes down even though it's sort of like a classier Walmart. We all know that in its bare bones it's just a fucking red Walmart. Walmart with a much better color scheme. Very nicer. Very nicer. Is it?

We're so nice. Is it? I don't know. Yeah it is. Everyone loves going Target. Oh, Red been standing up for Target. Somebody likes getting his body lotion and ice cream in the same place. Super Target.

Got what I needed. That was the ice cream. That's the weird part. I love it. So you have a bunch of different fanny packs? I do, yes. Okay. How many are we talking about?

Probably 20, 30. Wow. I have a curtain rod hanging on my wall. Oh no. And I just hang them all on there. Oh my goodness. Does Burt know about this tattoo by the way? I would hope so.

It's incredible. He looks awfully skinny in that picture. I agree, I agree. All of your tattoos, I mean, even though he does look like Homer Simpson a bit there, it's still a skinny version of the actual Burt that I know. All right. Well, Kimberly, this is how you're doing this? What is it, Red been?

Jesus Christ. I was sending it to Burt. Thank you, Red been. I'm sure he's going to know exactly what to look at from that video that you just took. Oh my God. Well, let me zoom in and check out her shins just in case. Just in case that's what the video purpose is. I love it.

Kimberly, so much fun. I said this is your first time on stage. That's incredible. You ever been on stage for anything at all? Never? Never? Not during a talent show? Anything?

Not at all. All right. You know what that means. D-Madness gets to fuck you right now, everybody. This is very exciting. D-Madness. I'm just kidding. You're not going to get fucked by D-Madness.

You'd have to change your name from Kimberly Weddle to Kimberly Waddle after that. You know what I mean? D-Madness gets a hold of you. This guy's going to be raising triplets over here. You're going to have the Jackson Five in your house all of a sudden. ABC. He always hits the target, if you know what I mean. Hell yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, there she goes. The Kill Tony debut of Kimberly Weddle, everybody. If you want to follow her, go to the Target in San Angeles. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. This young man is not only one of my favorite comedians, but he's also been on the show longer than anybody ever has. He's written and performed more 60-second sets than anyone ever in the near 10-year history of the show, which, by the way, we are one year away from our 10-year anniversary.

Big, big announcement coming soon for where and when and how that will be, and it will be absolutely massive. Thousands of people. So for those of you who are hearing it first, we are indeed going to put on a massive 10-year anniversary show. If you don't know, episode 500 was extremely big. Episode 100 was extremely big, but 10 years is, we will be the first ever live podcast to hit that, by the way.

No big deal. No big deal. No big deal. People do it all the time. We just took a chance. This man went from really being an insane alcoholic that had been doing stand-up for years to now a sober, focused, wild beast. The man is untameable.

This is a brand new minute from the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. In honor of Memorial Day, if we could all just observe a moment of silence for Red Band's mom. She was actually just voted out of the reality television show Naked and Afraid. Red Band, what the fuck was her old ass doing on Naked and Afraid? Hurricane Agatha is currently bearing down on the beaches of Mexico's southern Pacific coast with reckless abandon.

Also on a collision course with the beaches of Mexico's southern Pacific coast, Red Band's mom, after getting voted out of the television show Naked and Afraid. You know that bitch be partying. What do Nancy Pelosi's husband and Red Band's mom have in common? They both recently got DUIs in Napa. You know that bitch be driving drunk. You know that bitch got a drinking problem. Vladimir Putin's limbs have been shaking uncontrollably and it has come out he has three years left

to live due to a rapidly advancing cancer. Wait, he has cancer? I thought he was shaking because he had just listened to Apex Twin for the first time. He's giving up for Apex Twin. You hear that Tony people love Apex Twin. He's the best. Okay, that's all I have. Always an interesting ending.

Wow. Wow, absolutely incredible performance. No one knows how to take the energy of this room and utilize it quite like you do. It really went hard on Red Band's mom. Yeah, absolutely. Most people go soft on Red Band's mom. Get out of here. Son of a bitch.

Because she's a nasty old bitch, Red Band. That's why people go fucking soft on your mom, dude. We all know that he's just really mad at me because I stole his sponsorship to Kirkland. Oh, that is true. What are you doing wearing that fucking shirt? I saw that right when I walked out here. I have something to announce that I am the new sponsor for Kirkland, Signature. He's been spokesman there.

He's the new spokesman for all that for you. Is that the reason I lost my sponsorship? Yeah. And why are you still wearing this shirt like a weirdo? I told you, these are the only shirts I have now. Yeah, I know. You wore it last night. How many of those did they send you?

How many of those? I literally have 20 of these shirts. I wear them every day. Oh, my goodness. You're not really the spokesperson. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. You've been a power washer.

I got a discount. Bullshit. You're fucking with me right now. Why would you even fucking bring this up, Red Band? Yeah, they saw it on Kill Tony and they were like, you know what? For the same price, maybe a couple thousand more, we can get Red Band. So they reached out to me. They saw you.

They're like, he's losing weight. We won someone that's getting bigger. They went with Red Band. Speaking of which, William, I got to say, your belt is out of control. It is wrapping around itself. Have you thought about perhaps, William has lost a lot of weight. Literally the heaviest drinker. Now he's sober.

He's almost exclusively only eating soup. I actually, I did buy this when I was in the depths of my cocaine bending and cocaine bending, cocaine benders, I mean, and drinking a lot. Yeah, but this is the only belt I have. So I have to wear this and now it's getting too, too long. So I got to figure that one out. What else is going on with your rapid or rapid weight loss? Have you been to a doctor?

I, yeah, I literally had to go a couple of days ago. I have tapeworms. Yeah, I was thinking I was losing a bunch of weight because I was working out and hitting the stair master. No, I've actually had tapeworms the past six months. Oh my goodness. It's so gross. Yeah, I was seeing these things crawl out of my butt at night.

There would literally be these worms in my underwear and I was, it literally, it took me six months. I think that's why I've been able to lose the weight though. It's these tapeworms. Oh my goodness. Red Band has gummy worms if you want to. Yeah, and you can buy them on sale right now at Costco. Shut the fuck up!

They fall out of his butt at night too. Sometimes they don't digest the whole way, you know? Oh my God. I bet they are just coming out of his fucking gaping asshole all night long. It thinks your asshole's gaping, Red Band. Well, he's not wrong. With all the value I get from Kirkland Signature. No, Red Band literally has a gaping asshole.

Yeah, if you guys keep this up, Kirkland Signature is literally going to start sending you guys money to not talk about them at all. Like look, just stop. There's a couple hundred bucks. Shut the fuck up. We do not want to be associated with your show whatsoever. Yeah, I mean, I have to become the spokesperson again. I literally, I was on the hook for like $500,000.

I bought a fucking house and then it fucking, it all fell through. What part of Austin did you buy a house in? Well, I bought one in St. Angelo. They had cheap, uh... Wow. They have very cheap houses, very cheap real estate. So I bought, yeah, a really nice house in St. Angelo. So you built a castle in St. Angelo for $500,000.

Yeah, it's a really nice house. Well, if you need to sell it. Do you do things for five years? Have you ever been to the Target in St. Angelo? Uh, no, I have not. I prefer the Walmart. It seems like Walmart is a much better shopping experience. So it's kind of weird.

Are you trying to fuck and talk shit about Walmart? What the fuck are you talking about Target? Yeah, I don't know if you know this, but William goes to Walmart and has a Tom Segura tattoo. So he's living a whole different kind of life than you. I have a giant one on my back. It's actually very embarrassing. It's when I was bending on cocaine.

What did I say, bending earlier? It seemed like... God, shut up, dude! Somebody get this guy out of here. So I get this faggot out of here. Whoa. Damn it. I forgot how powerful that word is there.

Usually you're getting choked, Tony. You don't even... You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Oh, you guys like that one? Jesus Christ, sir. Jesus Christ, sir. Relax.

That's my boy. Oh, my God. From Kirkland. All right. He's not from Kirkland. Why would you say that? You're not from Kirkland, are you? God, shut up!

So William, let's talk about it. What else is going on in the world? You opened up for Joe Rogan last night. I was out of town for the first time in forever. What, during one of his shows? I was... It was fun. Yep.

And they had a little crab oil here afterwards, and crawfish smelled weird. Ah, did it smell like crawfish, perhaps? I don't know, just in a weird and now I'm rethinking of even bringing that up. Why are you fucking winking at me, sir? What are you doing? Oh, he's trying to get you to initiate the famous

William Montgomery wink that we've seen before. Oh, is he doing it? Oh! We've seen this before, folks. Redman, you're fucking out that stupid noise. I'm not blinking now. I'm not winking that much. You know what?

Shut up. Oh, my God. How exciting. William, we're thinking about, you know, my mom famously performed on the... Was that the five-year anniversary or the... No, it was episode 500 that my mom performed on in the main room of the comedy store.

What would you do if we had Red Band's mom come out to the 10-year anniversary of Kill Tony? I'm trying to plan in my head because we're about a year away. I don't think her old ass ever even gets out of her fucking trashy little house she lives in. You're not going to be able to get her out of that fucking cesspool of a fucking house she lives in. There's no way she's getting out of there.

I'm right, aren't I, Red Band? You know, your mom performed on Kill Tony in a few other places, like the back of my house. What do you mean the back of your house? Why the back of your house? Because I don't want the smell to get all around the whole house, you know? So you got to go in the back.

Shut up, dude. Why would the smell be worse than the front of the house than the back of the house? Because sometimes I like to question where the kitchen is. I could turn on the fans. Oh, you could say kitchen fans get rid of that. That's actually really funny, Red Band. You could turn on the kitchen fans.

How's your fair skin? Any cancerous fuck up? What? There are a lot of freckles. The summer approaches. People are saying that you are at the top of the skin cancer the poll that we have. Is that really what people are saying?

I don't know. I find stuff on my arm sometimes, and I can't tell if it's a mole or anything. William's covered in freckles, by the way. I travel with this man. He likes to wear shorts on airplanes for some reason. And sometimes I'll find myself bored, you know, perhaps the internet's out or something,

and I will just start counting his freckles. You really do that? Yeah. That's sweet. That's sweet. Yeah. Yeah, and I've only just begun. Do it.

Anyway, if you guys see red pubic hairs in my teeth next week, it's because I've been sucking off Marshall Rogan, so. Aw, good boy. Okay, Faheem, you know William. You lived in Austin for a while, so. For a little bit, yeah. But I know him from LA more than. Yeah, I remember at the comedy store.

That's when I was kind of out of control. Yeah. I think I used to bother you some. Yeah, you were a little extra back in the day, like, because you were using and stuff, like it's cool to see reform focused. William, because you're great without that stuff, you know? Yep.

I know, I have to remember that. It's been a year since I haven't been drinking this past week. It's been good. I had to stop. I had a horrible problem. I got real depressed. It was sad. Way funnier back then.

It's not a joke, yeah. For those of you that don't know, for those of you that don't know, William, during his drinking days back in Los Angeles, literally, not only did he not have a filter, his volume levels were out of control, and also he had no shame in going up to absolutely anybody and introducing himself.

Right? Who are some of the famous ones? Jim Gaffigan. I remember that. I miss Mr. Tarantino. I love your movies. No, Jim Gaffigan, he'd like really made a fool of himself. It was really bad.

Yeah, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to... Yeah, I cringe kind of when I look back at those times, but I just have to keep trying to move forward, because it makes me... Are there any more big people that you remember making a fool out of yourself in front of? Because I only remember a couple.

Bob Saget. Oh, that's right. You were there at his hotel that night. I actually was. Yeah, we got to be really good friends after he was a guest on Kill Tony. Yeah, I was actually in the hotel room. Is that the belt?

No, that's not how Bob Saget died, Red Band. Oh! Look at this. What? Incredible. Shut up, you dumbass. Why are you fucking all this shit up? William, you're unbelievable, man.

It is absolutely incredible watching you. You're only really competing with yourself at this point, and it's unbelievable to see your insane style. Thank you, Tony. Flourish. That's the great William Montgomery. He's on cameo. Get a cameo from William Montgomery.

I implore you to get a William Montgomery cameo. Guys, please, for the love of God, go on YouTube and watch my friend's special. It's called Hat Trick. His name is Fahim Anwar, everybody. We love him. He's my brother from another mother.

One of my only Afghani brothers, by the way. This is the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. It is in. That is Fahim, me, and Red Band, every episode drawing available at RyanJEBelt.com. How about one more time for the Amazing Kill Tony Band, everybody? We're out to you by Screwball. Nina Butterwhiskey.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the trombone. Matt Mueling on guitar. And that is our main man, D-Madness, there on the bass. And, yeah, we did it again. Red Band. If you're going to sign your name, make sure it's a Kirkland signature.

Thanks, guys. Oh, my God. Thank you, everybody. Good night. Thank you so much. We'll see you again soon. I love you. Thank you. Thank you.