KILL TONY - #563 - PAULY SHORE

Episode Date: June 25, 2022

Pauly Shore, William Montgomery, Ellis Arch, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/06/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:TALKSPACE! – As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code TONY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show. That’s TONY and talkspace.com.—LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band, coming live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony HinchCliff! You guys ready to have the best goddamn night so your lives are what, huh? Yeah! Red Band's here everybody. Hey! Welcome to Kill Tony brought to you by the

Red Rose, Yellow Rose. How we feeling out there tonight? Are you guys ready for this shit? Guys need to wake up a little bit. Do I need to buy everybody a rounded tequila right now, huh? All right. For the first time ever. No, not doing it, but you should do that. You have little pieces of paper. You can order it. You're gonna have a blast. Guys, how about a hand for this motherfucking band? Am I right? I mean, what is going on here? Unbelievable skills and talent. That's the great James Adkins joining us for the very first time on the drums tonight. Michael Gonzales is out working in show business. This is the lovely D-Madness here on bass guitar

everybody. Don't let those glasses fool you. He's blind everybody. That's the great Paul Deemer on the trombone and we have a trumpet, some other stuff and that's our good friend Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Red Band is here. We have everything in place. Before we get started, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey y'all! Indeed it is Tony Hinchcliff here telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy. Lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me. Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th. Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th and

the 30th. Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August and August 26th and 27th. San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return. September 29th, 30th and October 1st. All very soon. That's tickets available TonyHinchcliff.com and we'll see you out there. Hey y'all! You know, we work, believe it or not, in the comedy business and let's face it, mental health is a pretty big deal in this industry. We've seen it a thousand times on all levels from the top to the bottom and odds are if you're a fan of the show, you probably have some mental health issues yourself. So when it comes to therapy and

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latest tip of regulations. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $100 off your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com and make sure to use the code Tony to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Tony at Talkspace.com. It sure is hot out there folks and I'm telling you, the middle of Texas was a bad decision. I thought it was hot in California, turns out it's a nice cool little desert. This place down here is not meant for human civilization but thanks to Joe Rogan, we're here anyway and I have to survive. So when I have to

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is that of the W Hotel and of course screwball peanut butter whiskey which makes it all the amazing music that you hear tonight possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Austin, I mean I'm telling you you guys feel fucking flat compared to a normal Monday. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? There you go. Have some fucking pride in yourselves people. It is a goddamn pleasure for me to introduce tonight's guest. This is one of my true comedy store brothers. Somebody that I have worked with and been friends with for the last 15 years. You know him ladies and gentlemen. He's a fucking icon. This man

has been in your life for decades and now he will be right in front of you. It is the great Pauly Shore everybody. Wow. The new movie Guest House streaming now on all platforms. The host of the Random Rans podcast in Ceno Man in the Army now. Son-in-law MTV. This is the weasel himself, the son of Mitzi Shore. Pauly Shore is here in Austin, Texas. Test, test. I think they're saying that's not Pauly Shore that's Billy Crystal bro. What the fuck? You know what's fucking weird dude? Here's what was fucking weird. It was weird when you said Pauly's gonna be here fucking tomorrow night and there was like needles. You can hear

fucking needles drop. Fuck you assholes. That's what I have to say about you. I was in fucking biodome bro. What the fuck? Respect. You know I was in a motherfucking goofy movie dude. I'm on fucking Kill Tony's podcast all the way from Las Vegas right after I did cocaine with OJ Simpson. I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about. The golden child of the comedy store. The new voice. I didn't even know this. I thought someone was fucking with me. I found out he's the voice of Pinocchio right now everybody. Father I came to be on my own. I got the whole world to see. Is that a line? It's a gay Pinocchio. Well gay Pinocchio come sit

next to gay Woody and we'll have a gay doll off. Thank you for having me Austin Texas. Respect. We're gonna have fun tonight everybody. Pauly's done this show quite a few times. It was it was born. This show was born out of the comedy store nine years ago. I do believe we're celebrated. This might be the nine year anniversary. It's almost like 16 years for carrot top. I'm just saying. It's been at the Luxor for 16 years. He's nine years so it's starting to happen. Let's just go with the comedian. Thank you so much. We might need director tonight's episode. Pauly sure everybody. No I love it. No

this show was born out of the comedy store nine years ago. I started stand up there 15 years ago and of course it was created by your mother the late great Mitzi Shore to literally molded stand up comedy as it is which led to all this chaos movies everything. Roseanne Barr performed here for the very first time a few weeks ago for the first time in years. So that's awesome. Yeah. She was here. Yeah. That's good. She have her overalls. What the fuck bro. Yeah. She wasn't fucking here dude. Unless she showed up in her overalls doing on the domestic goddess and she know I'm just kidding. No of course she's been living

in Hawaii. Sorry I just got stoned earlier from your babe. That's it. I don't think that wasn't a vape by the way. That was a blunt my friend. That's what I'm saying. We're giving you the famous pillow of a mic droppers. We do a podcast. We always I apologize. Joe Rogan's pillow. Rogan does that as well. Both of you guys. I guess when you're famous for 40 years you just start throwing my just I moved. I moved to Las Vegas since ever since then I've been taking in a little bit more stuff. You know what I mean. It's fun everybody. Pauly's on cocaine now. That's what I had a feeling when I saw that shirt. That

is that is I've been hanging out with Diplo too long. All right Pauly. You know what's up. A bunch of comedians are here to try to do stand up comedy and then we meet them all together. We talk to them. They do a minute of stand up comedy. You know their 60 seconds is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which is a bear that's very loud so that they stop talking. And then I talk with them about their lives. We figure out more about them. We all meet them together. It's all improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's show.

All right. Well before I pull a name out of this bucket why don't we get a minute from one of our regulars who writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. A very very hard job to do a brand new minute to the entire internet and a live audience every week. He makes it look easy. He's celebrating a year as a regular on this show here tonight. Make some noise for Hans Kim everybody. Hey what's up guys. It's an honor to be here on Kill Tony. I know the audience is huge so there's at least one person out there that wants to fuck me.

And to that person I say hello sir please stop messaging. I will not put on a wig. I love the Kill Tony audience because they're always high on drugs all the time. The only drugs they're not on are Moderna or Pfizer or Johnson or Johnson. Let's go and be the capital. Oh shit you guys fell for it a second time. But I love Texas my new home. I get nostalgic whenever I see the shape of Texas out there in the world somewhere. And that's why I think I would suck to be homesick from Colorado because it's a rectangle. Oh look a table a door. A piece of paper. Reminds me of my home. Thank you.

Yes. Hans Kim saying fuck you to the listeners in Nebraska. I love it Hans. How are you? I'm doing great. Why are you dressed like a video game starter character right now? This is like what the creative player starts on and then you change them into things that people would actually wear out in public. You're wearing a denim colored shirt with your jeans. Look at those shoes. Hans what's going on. You're richer than ever and your clothes are inside out tonight. What's happening. I just want people to focus on my jokes. Oh well. Maybe you should dress differently. There's people randomly heckling you. Look at that.

A little payback for Pearl Harbor happening right now. Hans welcome. That was a fun set. I've seen you do some of those jokes before on actual stand-up sets. That was interesting. Yeah. I've only been doing arenas lately so all my jokes are geared for that lately so. Wow. So that's a new material that you did in arenas before doing on Kill Tony. Yeah right. Got to open my cup. Except for the Nebraska thing. That wasn't. There was just one lady laughing at the Nebraska thing. I don't know if you noticed. She really enjoyed it. She's probably from Nebraska. Colorado. Oh okay. I don't know. Who gives a fuck. Anyway. Hans we did a

whole weekend in Atlantic City this. Why is his name Hans. That's a German name bro. That is true. That's not cool. I know the answer to this. His parents named him that so that kids wouldn't make fun of him. So what is his real name. That's a good question. What is your real name. Kim Hong. Oh I like you dude. Sounds like an Asian friend. You're my friend dude. Kim Hong. I love it. And they're like Hans. They're like I don't want my kid to get made fun of. Should we go with Hansel or Gretel. Hans Kim. Did people make fun of you when you were a kid having a name like that. Yeah. They call me Han Solo. You know. They're like Hans

from Die Hard. Those are all really cool people though. Yeah. Yeah. Red Band got called Jabba the Hutt. Yeah. I was like kid by like stand by me kid. It's a good reference. Can I say. Can I say a quick little story that no disrespect or I can say something for a sec. I don't want to fuck up the rhythm that's out. There's some good rhythm. Well you're over acknowledging whatever you're about to say a little bit. I'm just. I'm just trying to say I love Asians. But besides that my best friend in school was named Sam in first grade. He was an Asian and I used to trade him. I used to trade him tuna for sandwich for his bow bro. How

fucking dope is that shit. Do you guys know what a bow is. What's a bow. It's a fucking doughy thing with meat in it. And it's dope as shit. I'm just saying you remind me of my friend Sam. Sorry. No disrespect. No. No. You are right. Bow is delicious and tuna fish sandwich that was made by whoever your maid was at the time when you were a kid. Your mom. Mitzi was not making you tuna fish sandwiches bro. It was. No it was SUNY and Ted my Asian. I had. I have a very long Asian history. No because the time that the managers at the store have always been Asian. So I'm just saying I love Asians. It started with my mom. I know

you know Asians. I said like I did a year ago after my trouble that I got into right now. I want to touch his face and put Vaseline around his eyes. There's a certain part. Can I or no. Like he's a fighter. Can I please. Do you have any Vaseline. I want to put him around his eyeballs. You did get blessed with the 12th round boxing match Asian eyes Hans. I mean there are there are levels to this and it really is. How much can you open those if you wanted to. Whoa. Look at that. Oh so now so now he only makes that face when he sees a really hard math problem. Shit Hans. I love it. And yeah another solid set. You a Polly Shore fan.

I mean this is the real deal. You're sitting in front of comedy store royalty right now. So what is there anything you want to say to Polly Shore with him right here in front of you. Polly I honor and respect you and I would love to go to the comedy store. On your fucking knees bro. If you're going to do this shit. She's taking it on the fucking knees and do it. She's going to do it. You know what I'm talking about. Oh shit. I think Polly just found who he's fucking tonight everybody. That's how it happens. It just christened some. I love it. Polly you're a man of respect and honor and you you're known the world over for your your

longevity and your your skill and craft and your consummate showman and you're really out there doing it and I really respect you and I want I want to be taken under your wing as a toodle to two people. I'm taking him to Red Rose later getting him a lap dance. Oh shit. That's how I'm rolling this shit. Oh shit. We get to Blond Pussy in your face. You know what just for I think the apologies were so good. Not only that but I'm going to have Hans give you his bow. Yeah you don't even have to give him a tuna fish sandwich. Everybody there it is. I was talking about the food but yes I guess you guys do that too. I forget there's

so many interesting things that you Asians do. What is that noise? Did you get a new noise over there? The sound board never changes. I've never heard that one before. What was that? I love it. I'm with D Madness on this. The nuke alarm it's called. Those are the cars I were around when Pauly Shore was a child. Oh Hans. That's not cool dude. That's not cool dude. We actually have that. You're not a friend dude. Why would you say that? Pauly your taxi's here. All right all right it's not a phone call right Ben. All right. We'll get some fun later. We'll get some fun. Yeah absolutely. 100%

Hans Kim great set. Way to get the show started. There goes Hans Kim. He is Hans Kim everybody. He just set the bar at what a random bucket of strangers things they can accomplish. A lot of these people are amongst you in the audience. A lot of them are over there. Some are local legends. Some people flew in hoping to get pulled out just for this minute. Make some noise for your first comedian tonight. It is Melissa Diaz. Melissa Diaz is first here. Here she comes everybody. Put your hands together.

One more time for Melissa. Hey what's up. I'm a recovering extrovert. That's when you go around you think you're a real people person. Then you realize you got a drinking problem. Figure that shit out. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 26. Technically 23 but I don't count that because I thought I was fainting. But you know a lot of women late 20s early 30s that's their first time which means statistically a lot of women will pay off their student loans before they come for the first time. Just crazy. All right you don't have to nervously laugh it's a joke. You're never gonna pay off your

student loans. Just go run away. Guys are different they come when they're young. It's like you're 12 you bump into a couch. I think it's why a lot of grandmas wrap their couches in plastic. Yeah that's what I had planned. Hell yeah. 59 seconds. Melissa Diaz. Welcome. This is your first time on the show right? Yeah. Hell yeah. You're fantastic. How long have you been on stand up? Oh wow. Seven years. Absolutely. That's perfect. That's how hard this is. Is that's what seven years looks like I would have guessed. No that's that's a compliment. That being mean he was saying that's that's that's that's a that's a good time. That's how long you

have to be doing this to fill a minute with laughter. Am I wearing a helmet right now? What's happening? No you're doing great trust me you just haven't seen any other anybody other than Hans Kim pulled out of the bucket yet. What you did was fantastic. Thanks. Compared to what normally happens up here. Which is especially hard to do because you have like protester energies. Do you know that? I know. I know. I feel like you march a lot. Now it's that I'm Puerto Rican. That's the look. You know it's like you're a cop. You're a protester. You're like the nurse. I feel like a website. You know like yeah I feel like you might have bumper stickers on your car. Am I

correct? No I don't. Oh really? I just have a shitty career as the paint is peeling. What's in your purse? Oh shit. A bumper sticker. Well okay here is one thing I have that is really on brand is a Kindle so that's one thing. Respect respect. Do you have like postcards in there for some shit or what? Like butt wipes. I guess I'm out a lot so toilets a mirror thing. Oh cocaine. There you go. Looks like Paulie found another girl he's having sex with tonight. Look at that. Whoa. Where's your horn bro? What the fuck dude? That little weasel. It's gonna be loose tonight. Melissa, seven years in the stand-up game what what do you do for work? That's

kind of complicated but I made developer okay which is made my boyfriend run a scam where I pretend to be a developer and then he does the work until he doesn't feel like it anymore and then I get fired and then we do it again. Only fans is the answer there everybody that's for those of you that couldn't keep track only fans was the answer. Well only fans is the answer if you don't date a developer so yeah. And you've been dating a developer and he's basically pimping you out in the digital world. I mean you have a Kindle everything is digital. Yeah. Can I can I ask you a question or no? I just want to know I don't want to be mean

or anything. Not at all. But just as a choice so you brought the purse on for what reason to do your shtick with the purse. I didn't want to leave it in the pit with all these people. Really? She's correct that is the correct decision. So you think the girls you don't have any friends here that you could just say yo I'll be up for a second watch my purse. I only moved here a few months ago. Really? Yeah. All right you guys don't want to watch your purse. Yeah you want to watch my purse. He's like I got this shit I got this motherfucking purse. I've lived here two years I don't trust anybody with my purse. But just at a constructive criticism I would have put the purse here and then

done your shtick. Yeah you're absolutely right. But other than that you're a very very funny comedian. Hundred percent. Yeah great. I love it. Great. You always what are you reading on your Kindle right now. What are you reading about. You don't want to tell me that's how you that's how I know that I asked a good question as an interviewer if you don't want to tell me that's perfect that would set me up to do jokes in a comedy show. I'm a book on economics from Adam Smith who's like this 18th century Scottish economist. Wow what a fucking dork you are. I mean Jesus why would you tell me that. I'm sorry. What were you thinking. No I'm kidding. I should have just said porn. Let me ask you this have you ever been out and about you Kindle a

lot. You a Kindler. Kindle yeah I do well it's it's really good for stuff like this you know I read. Exactly read while an amazing live show is happening right in front of your eyes. Thank you so much. Now I know we need to get yonder bags for the Kindles. I hadn't thought of this before. Have you ever been reading your Kindle. The battery goes dead and you look over at someone with a book and you're like fuck them all the time. Yeah. With their never ending Kindle. The Kindle that never dies. Yeah I mean technically I could just go on my phone but that's like I would respond into this conversation but I don't fucking read. I had a feeling. I just don't read period so I'd like to say oh da da da da da da da da. I don't read. Yeah. I just watch Fox News. Yeah half the

time I'm not reading I just don't want to make eye contact. For those of you that missed a D madness said that he doesn't read either. He's literally us talking about Kindles is like hot death to him. Did you did you really like one time lose your or had an orgasm and thought you were fainting. Yeah I really did. Wow. Look at that. And it was a good one too. It was like one of those the vaginal ones is like unicorns you know where it's like not diddling it's like actual penis. What happened. What did it take for that to happen if you don't mind me ask him. I don't know when it's gone forever. Wow. Can we get down just because I can we get down to business for a second. Yeah absolutely. Can we get down to fucking business. So let me tell you something. You're a very funny

comedian. Thank you. Are you going to take it serious. You're going to let this guy sponge off you your whole life. What guy. The fucking guy you said is your boyfriend. Oh yeah yeah. I'm kind of sponging off I am really. No no no. You're a genius. You're great. Polly thinks this guy might be holding you back. Do you get out a lot. Do you get to do a lot of stand up. Well the thing is I'm from the Bronx. You're a great car. I'm learning how to drive here. Oh shit. Yeah I think I see you every time I'm driving around now that I think about it. I'm back. I swear to God the worst drivers are here in Texas. I can say whatever. Any doubt. I have done my research. I travel the country every weekend. I'm in a different city. I lived in LA for 15 years. There is a

fucking thing here and I'm going to change it. I am the face of change for the roads here in Texas. I'm going to start it right here tonight right now in this moment. Yes please. Thank you. I like that right now. If you're in the left lane and you notice anybody passing you on the right side at all you need to get over one lane at least preferably all the way. There is no no one goes faster than you. And if you're with a friend that thinks that way you tell them not to do that anymore. And also you talk with them about it. If you notice that you're in the left lane you go why are we over here. If we're not passing you need to start this. I wanted to spread like the Corona virus. Can Tony get an amen. Thank you. Thank you for that drum. It really I wasn't even going to do it until I heard

the drums and turn singles. And nobody really cares about those. Just stay the fuck out of my one lane. That's where my car goes. The other lanes for the peasants. That's where you'll be and you'll get to see me pass you by. You'll know that that's where I'm going to because right now you don't know what side I'm going to pass you on. Usually it's the right side far three lanes over as fucking places as a shit hole. Yeah. They also need to tear down every single highway and redo it because I don't know what the fuck's going on. Fucking lied to me. That's what happened. Joe's like move out here. It's heaven. Bro. I'm like what up. Like is the drivers. It's great. Now he has a fucking motorcade. They shut down freeways for Joe. Meanwhile I'm out here with you fucking good

Goots is this fucking check out here with fucking just learning. Sorry. Like what what horrible place to learn by the way. Yeah it really is. It's bad all the way around. But then again I mean where do you learn in Los Angeles. You know what I mean. Really any any good civilized city is hard to learn driving in. It's trafficking all the time. And how long have you been in Texas. About five months now. Five months. Absolutely. Red Band. What do you think about this. Anything. If you're around next Thursday I would love to have you on the Secret Show. There's a big brand new joke book made by The Great Bones Eye with real Texas leather. A fantastic set Melissa. Welcome. Come back. We'll hear another minute again soon. There goes Melissa Diaz. Maybe we'll have to edit that whole long

stupid traffic thing out because what does that mean. Nothing. I don't need the rest of the country knowing that my city is embarrassing when it comes to being in the left lane. So. But if it doesn't change I'm going to have to keep doing it. So you guys are all going to tell your friends. Right. You're going to think of me when you're in the far left lane. All right. Make some noise for Jack Flugh everybody. Jack Flugh is here. Oh shit. He's got some fans in the room. The comedians are going wild for Jack Flugh. One more time for Jack everybody. Come on. Hey. I went skydiving to get over my fear of having a guy strapped to my back. Yeah. I met this army girl and she had the biggest thigh gap. Her leg was blown off and I racked.

You are all bad people. I think the best time to try meth is when you're a baby because you're going to lose your teeth anyways. Wow. Jack Flugh coming in. Unbelievable. Great. Perfect. Perfect. Jokes. Pauly. Sure. Just out of curiosity because I haven't been here in a while. They're all good comics. Yeah. So far. But no Austin. You guys are doing awesome. I've been here in a year and a half. Yeah. He's fucking. She is a legit comic. You're hilarious. We'll see if you're saying that in eight minutes when there's another human on stage. This is like we're getting very lucky here. Pauly. Yeah. Yeah. No. This is good. I'm sorry. My bad. What's really happening is that the talent here in Austin people have arrived and are just randomly getting pulled

out of the bucket. Right. Jack. This is your first time on the show. I was on a year ago. OK. All right. Very good. Well welcome back. I love it. How's comedy been going for you. It's been great. I love your knowledge. How long you've been doing it. Been taking it seriously for a year. Right. Yeah. How many years did you take it not seriously to in college. OK. So you're that young fresh out of college. Yeah. I'm 24 24. Wow. Look at that. You could play any age. You're a young buck. You could be a young grandfather for all I know. I got that. Yeah. Absolutely. Where'd you go to college. Syracuse New York. Syracuse New York. Interesting. What did you study there. Political science. Wow. What you learned from that. Fucking nothing. Wow. Unbelievable. Did you get federal student loans. I did. I have a lot of them. You did. When you say nothing like really

nothing. Yeah. Like there's not one thing you fucking learned. They teach you like how to do stop. Tell us one thing you learned. What's a political science. What the fuck is it. Yeah. Political science. OK. What did you learn. One thing. Let's see here. Come on. There must be something. Just write a bunch of essays. Polly. Do you go to college. I went to the school of hard knocks. Bro. No I went from high school to MTV. Yes you did. Badass. And then I'm not going to say anything what happened then. That's not my this is a different time. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. But I love it. You're a badass. Jack Fluke. What do you do for a living. How do you make money. Are you one of those awkward postmates drivers or something like that. Yeah. I do. Door dash. Right. Door dash. Very good. Very good. The minor leagues of postmates everyone. Absolutely. Triple A affiliate out there on a scooter of some kind. Right. Out there

on one of the birds. I drive around. Yeah. Yeah. Same shit. Is this door dash the best. Do they treat the drivers the best. I'm sure you've tried a couple of them. I only did that. Like Uber Eats and both of them are like you do it if you have to. How many times have you already had to drive to Red Band's house to deliver late night. I scream treat. He's actually has Tony. You said that. Yeah. Like three times. Wow. All right. I see the flu again. Jack Fluke is short for flu. Yeah. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. I love it. So Jack what do you do for fun. There must be something a guy like you's into right. Besides like working comedy. I just I like to do video games and cooking shit. What kind of cooking. I can't really picture that. You look like you're the kind of guy that cooks up some brine shrimp or something like that. I just look like a big microwaver. Like you would have real recipes. Perhaps you've written a cookbook of all

microwave dishes. Have you thought about this. I don't have a microwave. I'm more. Whoa. What happened to your microwave. Where's the nuclear warning when you need one. Our brand new sound effect the nuclear alarm. There it is. It's right there. Yeah. There you go. Look out. Everybody hates it. That's why I like it. All right. What happened to your microwave. Jack. So I live in this air BNB now with like this like hippie woman that like doesn't believe. Oh. Oh yes. There it is. Whoa. Matt Mueling already learned how to play it on guitar. I like that better. Look at this. That's very cool. All right. So she doesn't believe in microwaves. Did you have one before. Yeah. And then what happened. She took it out. No. In the last place I live there's a microwave. Right. And then new place in this place. So there are other things that this roommate forces you to do. I never I never see her. You know I'm

always out. What is she like the lady from. Is she a gypsy. All right. Do you miss your microwave. I do miss the microwave. Well you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to fucking buy you a microwave. He's sure. Or buying a microwave. I feel it's like it's in my heart for them. You know what I mean. Micwaves are good for people like him. I need one. Oh my goodness. And you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to end up. I'm going to chip in as well. I'm going to end up paying off your federal college loans. Everybody. How about that. Yeah. Tony. Yes we all are in fact. So congratulations to us up. Vote red dummies up to five dollars.

Very good. Yes. All right Jack. Anything else. What's your love life like you fucking lay in that fucking awkward wood on anyone. You know what I'm saying. He's sleeping over someone in the fucking. I haven't had sex in a couple months. OK. Yeah. All right. And do you masturbate. Yeah. Yeah. You guy that masturbates. You have an iPad a phone a magazine. You seem like a magazine guy. You seem like you're the last guy out there using a magazine. That would be really cool. Are you using psychic powers. You just touch the side of your head like you were channeling his gypsy roommates calling him. Yeah. I jerk off. Huh. What's the platform. What. Well you want to know how. Oh how. Yeah. iPad magazine we just fucking ask you the iPhone the iPhone right there. Yeah. You have one of those side stands for your iPhone or do you like prop it up against. I just hold it. Whoa. You hold it with the left and stroke it with the

right. The right and the left. The old fucking that's too hard for me. That's like. Yeah. Really. You do that. Oh I even turn it sideways so I get that you know the screen wide screen wide body that makes it. Hey. Is there a go to site that you particularly go. I know there's porn hub and there's red tube. Right. And then you go there because it's free and you go to what you type in what what do you type in. I'm porn hub guy like that. OK we got that out of the way. There you go. Do we have that. There's a choice is porn hub is Republican red red tube is Democrat. No we need to get that we need to get the porn hub the actual the start of the video. So we know he's got porn hub he likes porn hub. So what does he type in. What's this go to. That is what do you what do you search. Depends on my mood. Yeah it's good. That's interesting. What if you're feeling sad. Sad. Probably like step mom.

If you had to add two more search words to your step mom though what would you what would your bonus search words be. You have to add two more. Step mom cries hard. All right. There you go. No stop it. Let's stop it. That sound is not what you think it is by the way. The fun fact that is the sound of Tom Segura after breaking his arm. It's after he fell on a basketball court shattering his arm. It's not sex. If you thought it was sex you have a dirty mind. One more time. This is Tom Segura. Oh so fun. Well Jack that was an amazing fucking performance. I mean I'm absolutely blown away. What's the what's the most amount of time that you've done in a stand up comedy show. What are you. I've done 15 before. There you go. I love you to be on the show next week. Wow look at that. Unbelievable. It's going to be a

Jack. Thank you. One of those. You. That's your. Yeah. Get out of here. There you go. Jack fluke Jack fluke. You can't make it up people. That's a real name right there. You guys having fun yet. OK. Your next comedian goes by the name of Andrew Vargas. Here we go. Andrew Vargas. How about a hand for the band. Huh. Here he is ladies and gentlemen Andrew Vargas. I hope you guys are ready for a silly goose time dude. If you're not you're ugly duckling dude. I've been trying to be a better man dude. So your boys been crying. That's right bro I'm master crying actually do so like I do it so often. It's a fucking problem. Dude I come so much dude. It's like fucking it's I cry so much

it's like come I'm drunk. Sorry I come from New Mexico dude. We the legal and I brought enough for all of y'all if you want some if not. Anyway dude I do cry crying is like coming to me dude like literally beginning to end beginning what do you do before you cry and come do you try to change your mind. You're like water mustard grandmas. Fucking try to switch the subject you know even in the middle it's the same thing dude like you know you repeat shit for some reason you're like you're like I don't I don't even call me do you like this right right. Richard Ramirez ladies and gentlemen Richard the night stalker he's he's somehow escaped. You got saved by Pauly sure that bear was right around the corner because I'm not taking out a couple I'm taking out all y'all back.

Oh wow OK school shooting reference by Andrew Vargas shit just got real. Here we are everybody I'm pretty sure this podcast just became part of a watch list. You're welcome. You have a lot of energy Andrew. I know you're like if Dane Cook was an actual cook. You have the energy of a Diaz brother in the Capri's of a man that they would slap. Yes sit back down. Damn that Andrew how long you've been doing stand up but a year and a half right year and a half you see Pauly not everybody's killing it out. I just want to know if they have metal detectors here. And I learned how to tighten my butthole enough to get through metal detectors.

Wow. Yeah I'll protect you. I think the only weapons Andrew has are these hard bombs he's throwing at us every 20 seconds here. Andrew let's talk about it. What do you do for work. Is that the nuclear warning. Andrew how Andrew what do you do for work. What do I do for a currently nothing. I've literally been here for 72 hours where where from New Mexico. Right. So how long are you here for ever. Oh you just moved here.

Why do you keep pointing on a gun at people and shooting it. Even D madness is leaving right now. He's like that. D madness doesn't know how many people are here. First of all OK. Yes he does. Right. My apologies. That's goddamn right. During your during your comedy set you're right.

He thought there was only 11 people in the room. Andrew Vargas so you don't work. What's up with that. Did you have a job in New Mexico. Yeah. What was that. I was a fucking airbender dude as a what airbender airbender. OK. How did you make money. No airbender like I honestly the real shit is that I I'm an HVAC dude. I control your air.

I heat and cool everything. That's what I do. I fix you see you fix air conditioners. But you know you see how boring that sounds. Dude you got airbender sounds clear. Everyone's like what do you do. Wow. You're going to be homeless in weeks. I can get that. I feel the energies. You have homeless energies.

Don't put your job down that everyone needs air conditioning. Dude it's cool. You can get pussy with it. Polly's rich. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Andrew what's your current living situation. What's your current living situation. Be honest. Don't make an airbender version of this answer.

Not for your car. No I live with my younger brother. Your younger brother. OK. What does he do. He's a gangster. He is. Is he here tonight. No he's not. No but he has to work tomorrow.

He's a regular gangster or does he have a real job too. Is that is that your version of saying he works on heaters. He's in it. Is that the I think that's the geek squad. I think they call him. He's like a land gangster or something like that. You know what I mean. He's got these. He does drivebys on his lawn mower.

One of these real lawn thugs. You know what I mean. One of these. He does tech work. He's a fucking. OK. Yeah he programmed shit. All right. How much weight did you smoke.

It's too much. A lot right. Seriously though. What else are you on. Are you on Adderall or something like that. You got drinking. You did some shots. It's just beer and weed.

Yeah that's cool. You're having a good time. I don't need that help like y'all Texans. Yeah. Stay up to four. Oh natural. Do cramp. OK. OK.

We like that. We like you. We're cool with red bull vodka is like a regular alcohol. Andrew. So let's talk about it. What else are you into other than stand up comedy. You've been doing this a year and a half. You ever been to jail.

Jesus Tony. Come on. Shut up. Let me get answers out of this one time for what. Dude. This is the first time I figured out. OK. I really went to jail for like the bitchest thing.

OK. And I learned it the hard way. Dude. I went in there. I thought I was like do your boys getting booked. I'm going to post this shit. I'm going to get some followers other than my grandma. God I hate you.

Oh I hate you so much. What do you want. You asked the question. Answer the question. OK. Simple. I went to jail for tickets. Oh fuck.

Ticket parking ticket. Oh shit. Yeah. Parking tickets. And they knew I was like it was my first time because when I was getting thrown into the cell they're like 345 and then the guy's like nah it's the first time.

He's all 377 and I went with some crazies dude. Like they were fucking crazy. What do you think they thought about you. What do you think the story that they're telling on a podcast right now. Like yo shit was crazy in this room. And then they sent in this guy that was unfunny to kept moving. Dude it's the nerves.

I don't know how y'all are sitting still. Y'all nervous because you ain't going to be caught up. I know you don't want to be caught dropping the soap in those capris. That's for sure. We know who the main bottom bitch was in this jail cell for sure. They're like grape that guy he pushes back.

Oh that's right because your mom didn't raise a bitch. Bro I'll push back so hard. That's right. Because I want to show the next day though that was scary. We'll stop at one. Andrew I want you to write down on a piece of paper who told you that you were funny. And I want you to hand me the piece of paper

and I'll take care of the rest. All right. That's a sit down. Yeah we have to this is a true. This has never been done before in this. Oh you should just call that a red band. Sit down. OK.

You should look at that. I mean it's almost incredible. Like if we were trying to get the sound of silence I'd be like yo hit him with that good stuff. Andrew you know what I mean. Like if we really wanted to like hear what was going on at bars down the street. Like I'm pretty sure they're playing no doubt right now

the jackalope because when you do jokes it's so quiet that we can literally get a vibe for the all but the babe the babes think you're sexy right. You get what. No straight up. That's not cool. Did you just. No no no you just got here beautiful.

Can we see your chest. So it's your chance. Wow. I don't know why that happened but there's the no doubt that we were looking for. I think we found his next victim for the night. You're good. Andrew if everybody was to consider you

unlikeable what would be something about your entire life that you would tell us right now to win us over a likable quality about Andrew Vargas before I let you go. A likable quality. Yeah. I was once a like a. I'll tell you what he said after. Oh no the way you should just do what he said

because he's a professional in show business. Nah I believe I believe in my. You should try his thing first and then try your thing that instinct of doing what you want to do has not worked for you once yet. Your instincts are wrong. Holly is right. Let's just try my instincts one more time.

OK. Tony Tony can I try. Go ahead the redeeming quality about you is what. I take care of my grandma. Yeah this guy's worse than Carlos Mancia bro. No I don't fucking said it and you try to take. Fuck you credit for it. It worked if I gave you all the credit.

I was going to give it to you. Fucking worked. He saved you and you threw me under the fucking butt. Get that Rogan pillow. Put it on. I was going to give you the credit. I'm not a piece of shit. Oh God.

Oh no Polly don't let go of them. Let go of them Polly. No Andrew don't don't don't. Can you dance Spanish. This is like a mayhem Miller moment. All right all right all right all right. I want to see some gay ass fucking music. Wait Polly what's going on here.

What are you doing. You're dancing. What kind of dance do you want to do. If you say it they'll they'll play it. You stop. We're not dancing to fucking don't speak by no doubt. Jesus red band. Polly's like give me some dancing music.

Red band just plays the nuclear warning again. All right this is this is a new low for this episode tonight. For those of you keeping track on your kill Tony bingo card. Tony you don't like this. Yeah. Hashtag me too. Andrew Vargas. We have these we have these little joke books that that bones I

makes you've really earned that here tonight. Thank you guys. There he goes this kill Tony debut and true Vargas everybody. Wow. Yeah. You know what let's do something fun here. We have a regular that doesn't make every episode of the show but when he does it's always fun to watch him grow and see what's up with him

this week. Ladies and gentlemen here to project into the microphone is the great LSH everybody. Whoo. All right. Listen listen listen. I can't stand my brother. He's toxic.

Every time we get into an argument he escalates it to a point that it has no business getting to. I remember one time he said I fucking hope you die you fucking bitch ass. Y'all that was over fruit snacks. I sat down bro. You can just have the gushes. It's not that big of a deal. Godly growing up and we like the same girl.

Oh my God. He'll cock block me with information. I told him in confidence he'll do it like a drive by just run up to a bitch you know he used to beat off the space jam and I said and I just watched that motherfucker run off but we all know Lola Bunny's a bad bitch. But you know even at 28 and 27 years old me and my brother we still do not get alone it's still bad. Y'all like I don't get it.

Like we if I start beating them in the argument he will bring up the most hurtful shit or something he think I'm insecure about just to fucking get at me and man he'll be like you know what fuck you fuck you man that's why David Lucas is funnier than you that's why William Montgomery got better stage presence and Hans Kim got more holes and I'm like look what they got to do with you on me $10 though that oh yeah if you in the back can you hear me in the front can you hear me. All right.

All right. There you go. Damn. I'm just. I can tell us. There you go. You got to keep me under control. I get it.

Hell yeah. The only black guy that stays on the clock longer than he has to. There you go. LSH. Doing a little extra time. You are dressed for work. I'm pretty sure we're legally going to have to blur out what you're wearing right now.

Yeah. Because we don't want you to lose your job but yeah yeah yeah. I mean that is incredible are you like in the middle of a shift right now or something like that. No man I just I was hurrying up trying to get done with my shift and shit so like you know I missed last Monday because I was you know I was doing it so I was like I'm not missing this Monday so hey any do y'all anybody living in a spice wood or Anderson Stake Avenue area make some noise.

Why is he breaking the fourth wall dude. Yeah. Why are you doing it. Nobody can make noise. Just do the joke that you would do if the whole place went crazy. You're right. You're right. You're right.

Yeah. I'm confused. I'm confused. Bro. Don't do that to me. Bro. Hey man. I'm Salsa.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. He doesn't shake hands. He just salsadances with homeless strangers. OK. Here we go. There we go. Oh shit. Wow.

Where do we get this shirt if we want one Amazon. Put on pump. Come on. I'm pretty sure that's the only shirt you can't buy on Amazon. That's true. It's James' first night. Pauly's calling out the rim shot over here. Ellis, you are famously one of the worst dressers out of everybody, out of all the regulars

on the show. Yeah. But tonight you are here in your employee gear, which reminds me in two different jobs do you have better delivery than the last comedian that was on before you. But. It took me three days to deliver a joke. But we all could tell he's a star. That is true.

He just needs to develop, but he's a star. No doubt about it. He has star energies. I was in New York City this week and I forgot to tell you this and I looked out a window at one point and who's looking back at me? Preacher Lawson. From famous from Kill Tony and America's Got Talent years later after we told him that he had fucking star energies just like this.

I'm pretty sure you were there actually, Pauly. I think it was an episode you were a guest on. This is like eight years ago. And Ellis definitely has that, which I love you wearing the Amazon Prime shirt. Oh, whoops. Joanne fabric shirt. Yeah. So that's what it looks like.

Ellis, have you been doing any auditions or anything like that? What's going on with you? I actually booked a role for a movie that's shooting in August. Oh shit. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. God is good. God is good. Where's the shoot? It's going to be in Austin in LA. Oh wow. That's great. Yeah.

Look at you. I'm going to be a cop in it. What are you playing? I'm going to be a cop in it. A cop? Yeah. Oh. I mean, yeah.

I always either get a cop, football player or a slave. Right. Yeah. It's funny. I never book any of those roles. Very hard. Yeah. Very hard.

I think you can be the guy in Forrest Gump's son. Yeah. Bubba Jr. Oh my God. You can do it. My high school economics teacher told me that he called me Bubba because I look like him. Okay.

So that's funny how that worked out. Oh, Paul, you don't have to point out that he has a larger bottom lip than top lip. Paulie. Paulie. Paulie. And character in the movie is what I'm saying. Not him as a person. Right now, during the actual podcast, it's like, we'll be right back.

Like there's music playing and we're back everybody. Everything's normal here and good. Alice, what do your brothers and sisters do for work? You said your brother talked shit to you, but you're out here living your dreams. What's he doing? He a fucking software developer and shit. God, these people are everywhere. These boring people are everywhere.

But I don't know how you got the job because the motherfucking barely read them shit. Well, I mean, they say the same thing about Paulie Shore, but look at him out here killing it. The voice of Pinocchio. Hey, did you voice a character in a movie called a goofy movie? Oh my fucking Lee Tower cheese. Wow. There's a bunch of uneducated people yelling right now in the middle of the show.

Goofy movie really riles up. Of course. It touched the it touched the hearts of people. Can you give us a line from the goofy movie? No, because you're going to fucking make fun of me, dude. I've never even seen it. I don't even know the eating tower of cheese. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's what the fuck we're talking about. People love it. It's got that wheeze. Ellis, another very, very good minute.

Congratulations. I see improvements in your style and your delivery, your enunciation, your projecting. We're famously very quiet for quite a few episodes. Now people have a real chance. It's growth. Yes, sir. So congratulations. That's how I say it.

Everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How many lewoing comedians do good on this show? How many of you lewoing comedians do bad on this show?

Here he is, everybody. Malik, Keith. Alright. Calm it down, I still got a 75% chance to bomb here. But I don't know why. But I was expecting some special treatments from the comedians, you know. When I came out there, I was lining up. And you know, it was about, about, everybody arrived at about 5.30, I was expecting, you

know, people to be here at about 6, but anyways. So yeah, we're in line. And I come up, the ladies, sheesh, I'm really about to bomb here, but anyways, yeah, so, so I'm walking up, the ladies going up, the ladies going up, everybody's getting up, I come up, the ladies like, uh, stop. What are, what are the chances of that one? But anyways, yeah, so I go up, the lady hits me with a stiff arm to the door. She's like, oh yeah, the regular's got to come in.

So I'm like, all right, cool. Waiting in, chill out, it's my turn to come in. I see the regular, she just walks through the door, all cool. I come in behind her. I see a goddamn sass wash from Flughor Will. I think that was him. He was like, Malik, Malik Keith, everybody finishes last. No, he's not allowed to work.

No, you want to, that's not girl, bro. You had the one more thing to say, right? Didn't you have the one more thing to say? Polly, don't do this to this poor guy. Jesus Christ. No, Polly, stop it. He doesn't finish the thing or else everybody comes at her with a two minute bit and is like, I have more and then we have to listen to their stuff too.

That was horrible, Mark Malik. That was horrible. I love it. You are, you are like a young, untalented Kanye West. Does anyone ever told you that? You're Kanye worst. I was listening to your jokes. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

Is it cool if I take his hat off so we can see his face? I don't think you should take his hat off because that hair might be connected to that hat. I'm not exactly sure. Can I take it top off just for me at least? Yeah, for sure. No gay shit. It's Polly Shore. It's the great Polly Shore.

Wow. Okay. All right. Absolutely. All right. Polly, how does that make you feel now that you did that? Like I'm in motherfucking Jamaica, bro. Yeah, it is.

Right? Yeah, we're like, we're fucking smoking some splits on the beach. It is, but there's like high lights on the end. There's high lights there. Iry, Iry, bro, we're good. He's got his tips done. Am I correct? Are those your tips bleached?

Yeah, yeah, it was all the way blonde, but it's grown out. Wait, what? I said it was all the way blonde at one time, but it's grown out. Okay, absolutely. You have like a little bit of a surfer energy to you. Where are you from? Originally from up north, but I was living out in Korea for some years.

How long were you in Korea for? Four years. Wow. Oh my God. What were you doing, just breaking women's vaginas? I was going to school. Korea for four years. What were you doing there?

I was going to school. Just going to school. What were you studying? Business admin. Wow. Why would you go all the way to Korea to study business? That was the only place that accepted me. I'm starting to think this is fucking North Korea,

this guy went to. Can you speak Korean? A little bit, but... Can you give us a little example of some Korean? Hello, I'm Young Kamsul. Look here. Han's Kim. What the fuck did he just say?

All right. Wow. And how long have you been in Austin, Texas? About nine months. Nine months. And how long have you been doing state-run? How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time.

Whoa, first time. Look at that. I had a whole bit, but I wasn't expecting them to lock the phones up, so... So what would have happened if your phone wasn't locked up? It would have been so much better. Really? You have jokes on your phone that you couldn't remember?

I got a couple. Nothing crazy, though. Do you have a lisp? No, not at all. I used to have some fucked up... No, I like lisp. I was just saying, if you do, you should say, yeah, I have a lisp.

That's cool. That's attractive. No, I'm not attractive. I think it's good. I got a lisp now. Jesus, I'm not trying to fuck you, bro. I'm just saying. I grew up around comedy.

I'm trying to learn about your little quirks, dude. Like, I see your face now with your fucking hair. That's good. I want to hear a lisp and shit. You know what I mean? You're smoking some shit. You're good, bro. He's vaping?

Yeah, he's with us. We like him. He's our friend. Let's talk about it. So how do you make a living here? We've got a startup company, EV company out in Cedar Park called Hylian. All right.

So what exactly do you do for them? I just install the components that we put onto the 18 rollers to make them electric. Has anyone ever told you that you sound like a white guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that often. You get that often, yes. Yeah.

Why do you do it now? D-Madness, who only knows people by what they sound like, is agreeing with me. He thought you were white this entire time. He's like, why is Tony doing Kanye worst jokes on a white guy? What's the last thing you ordered on Amazon? What's the last thing that you ordered on Amazon? It's probably a bit.

There you go. Absolutely. That is white people music for those to be losing track of what we're all laughing about here. Probably a bed, dude. What do you mean? No, I'm just a normal white guy. How truly Tony people have told me that.

I love it. Malik, what do you do for fun? Damn, it's only going to get worse from here. I play golf. You play golf? Dude. I think we may have found the whitest black guy of all time right here.

Well, to be honest with you, Tony, I basically do everything you do. Ha ha ha. I'm into golf, hot yoga, and hating black people. Ha ha ha. Thank you, sir. Oh, shit. I love it.

What else? You play golf? How long have you been playing golf for? About six years. That's a long time, so you're probably good. What's your handicap? About, I don't even know that. Oh, OK, very good.

I'm not that good. Very good. Pauly Shore wants me to ask you, even though it will lead less than nowhere, he wants me to ask you who your favorite golfer is. Oh, Phil Mickelson, you're trying to trick me. Ooh. All right, it did lead somewhere.

He's a famous left-handed golfer, a legend in the game. Why is Phil Mickelson your favorite? He's a gay golfer. No, he's not gay, Pauly. Is he Jack's kid? Does he have a kid? No, it's clubfoot. It's clubfoot.

No, you're both wrong. It's not Jack's kid. That would be Jack Nicholson, Red Van. Not Jack Mickelson. My mind is fuzzy. Jesus Christ. Why is Phil Mickelson your favorite? I think a lot of people were expecting Tiger Woods.

Oh. Because he's half Korean. You racist. Yeah. God damn it. I just hate going with the obvious option, you know. Right, right. How about in the bedroom?

What do you prefer in the bedroom? I think everybody wants to know, because really, this could go any direction right now. I'm really a typical missionary type of guy. Well, to be honest, Tony, I like white women with small asses. You know, I like to hit it from the front, Tony. You know, a gangster like me really likes eye contact in the bedroom.

White devil. This is incredible. We have stumbled upon a gem, ladies and gentlemen. You are super marketable, Malik. I love it. What kind of car do you drive? I got a nice Chevy Cruze. A Chevy Cruze.

White as fuck. All right. Absolutely. I thought you were going to go in Paula there. I'm going to be like, whoa, here we go. The tide is turning. Chevy Cruze, everybody. I want to put some cocoa butters in his dreadlocks.

I think that'd be cool. What year do you think this podcast is playing in right now? I'm just saying. No, but seriously, think about it. Watch for it. Oh, no. No. No.

Pauly, don't do that. Pauly, no. Pauly, what the fuck are you doing? I'm just saying. I think it'd be cool. He's expecting some oils to spill out. I'm Jewish. I could fuck with black people, OK?

That's true. I forgot. So go fucking easy white fuckers. I forgot. I'm Jewish, OK? My people were fucked with two. Did you see how dusty that was? That was incredible.

I love it. So Malik, anything else that you do for fun other than playing golf? Any nightlife for you or anything like that? No, dude. I like investing. So AirBnB. Wow. A star is born.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Malik, you are a legend. No, dude. No nightlife. Too busy investing. Even investors go out at night. You don't never do anything for fun?

Yeah, I got a baby mama, so she kind of fucks that up. OK. Just one kid? Yeah, just one kid. How old is the kid? He's 18 months. 18 months old. And are you two still together?

No, not even one. Oh, my goodness. When you were with her, that's when you had the blonde hair, wasn't it? Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Look at that. I look like tree rings. Have you ever seen how you can count the rings in a tree?

I did a little fucking calculation there from watching every episode of forensic files that I know how to do that. I love that. So when you got her knocked up, you were almost completely bleach blonde, right? Yeah. So she dyed it. She dyed it. Wow.

Look at that. I thought you were saying that she died for a second there. Shit was about to get sad. There's a single father out here on these streets. A single white man out here trying to raise a child. It's not easy. Malik, you are a fucking gem. I mean, the stand up was brand spanking new, phone locked up fucking first time ever doing anything.

But I got to tell you, you're a super likable guy that I can tell through this interview has a great sense of humor. So if this is something you want to do while also supporting your kid and earning a living, then I highly implore you to do that and come back sometime. Show us another minute. Take one of those Malik. Malik Keith has made his Kill Tony debut. You think I went over the line a little bit?

No, it's okay. I forgot you were Jewish for a second. Once you reminded me that you were Jewish, I'm like, oh, yeah, you can rub a guy's tips. Wait, wait, wait. By the way, fun fact about that is that those are the only tips that Pauli Short deals with. What are you talking about? What are you interrupting jokes for? What are you freaking out about?

Nothing. What are you doing? Oh, is this another one of those things just for you? No, it's just a cut. We're not cutting that. All right, Pauli. This is very interesting. For those of you that want more of whatever the fuck Red Band's talking about,

be sure to listen to Virtual Reality with Red Band. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Make some noise. I do believe this is this young lady's debut here on Kill Tony. She famously works here at Vulcan Gas Company. Make some noise for Sarah Blonde Roots, everyone. Wow. Oh, shit.

One of the head service people here at Vulcan for years. Now making her Kill Tony debut. One more time for our friend, Sarah Blonde Roots, everybody. All right. So I have this crazy, crazy puppy. A giant puppy. 65 pounds, in fact. Yeah, German Shepherd Poodle.

Normally at night I put him in the kennel when I go to sleep. But last week when I got blacked out, forgot, right? So to my surprise the next morning, we became Eskimo brothers. Yeah, he took every inch. He's such a good boy. So on the weekends, I managed this axe range. And this guy in a wheelchair came in and he's like, I didn't want to throw. And I'm showing everyone how to throw axes.

I turn around and I go, dude, I have shown all kinds of people from all kinds of walks of life how to throw axes or no walks. But so I got fired today. Sarah Blonde Roots making her Kill Tony debut. It's always amazing when someone that works at the club and gets to see a show for a year or two, at some point they start to begin to believe that they can do it, everybody. It is incredible. We've hit that point with Sarah Blonde Roots who now is dealing with the moment of reality

in which you realize that confusingly talking about becoming Eskimo brothers with a 65 pound puppy didn't quite go the way that you thought it would. We actually have, that is, we have the dog on the phone right now. Zooming in. All right. Okay. That's enough dog noises. Sarah, what the fuck were you just talking about up here?

A vibrator. A vibrator. So a vibrator. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Did anybody know that? Everybody thought that you fucked your dog. You forgot like lines or something.

You forgot a part. There's like some Tarantino shit going on right now. Like you did the middle of the joke and the end of the joke, but we never saw the whole begin. There was no vibrator. I knew it was a vibrator. We're together, baby. Unless you have a 65 pound vibrator that is also a puppy, I'm pretty sure we missed a part

there. My bad. What actually happened? Was there a real story? Oh yeah. Slash found the drawer and he went for it and when I woke up, it was just the insides of it, the robotics of it. Of the vibrator.

He ingested all of the silicone. Oh, your dog ate the vibrator. Oh, I thought your dog fucked you with the vibrator. Did he think the dog fucked him? The place is in Arrakis right now. For those of you listening to the podcast and not watching the video, there's people on the balcony punching each other in the face right now. The place has hit a frenzy that we have found out that the dog has eaten the vibrator, ladies

and gentlemen. I thought the dog was... Right. That's what I thought. We all thought something different. That would be interesting. Literally, I just got word, the one thing that nobody pictured was the dog eating the vibrator. We pictured everything else.

I really thought that you witnessed the guy that was fucking you fuck a dog and you were so confident about it. I'm like, oh my God, I've known you for so many years. Yeah. You're like, wow, I woke up and this guy that fucked me is fucking my dog. This guy just fucks everything. That's incredible. Okay.

So, Sarah, let's talk about it. You've worked here since like, basically, how long, how long has it been? Day one. Day one, which is for us a year, for stand up a year and a half. Very cool. So what happened here? Did you decide to sign up for this here tonight? I got fired today.

I was like, fuck it. Wait, you got fired from here? No. Oh, okay. From the axe range. Right. Oh yeah, I stopped listening at that point. I could only last 40 seconds and then from all the picturing of dog fucking and everything

I'm just, I'm hard as a rock. The blood stopped going in my head. Anyway, so Sarah, let's talk about it. What do you do for fun? What's normal stuff for you? These people are all meeting you for the very first time. So tell us about Sarah. Sarah was a workaholic, but she has a lot more free time now.

Right. Right. For sure. She's fired Sarah. And why'd you get fired? It wasn't the wheelchair comments, so that's good, but they just, we're moving on. That's all they said, so. The axe throwing company?

Mm-hmm. My God, how do you get fired from that kind of job, Sarah? You must have done something. It's probably my comedy, but. No, you're fine. I love it. No. Yeah.

Sarah, what? Can I ask something? Yes. Go ahead, Paul. Yes. Okay. Without trying to be funny, but being sincere, you've been here for about two years, and you've watched all the comedians, and you've always really wanted to be a comedian.

Yes or no? No. So why did you all of a sudden decide to fucking go on stage? If you didn't want to do it, just because you got fired today? No, no, no, no. It's something I've always wanted to do once. Oh, so you don't really want to be a comedian? Correct.

It was for my mom. My mom wanted to be a comedian. Oh. So this whole project is. Because this could have been the Ellen or Kerrigan of the Vulcan. That's a pretty deep inside graph book. Well, I'm just saying, because that's her, she said, but she said she never wanted to do it, so I'm going to put the mic down.

I think she would actually, I think she would actually be really good at comedy, because as you could tell, her stage presence, pretty, like she doesn't seem scared. She had a really good stage presence. She just, we all thought you were fucking dogs and shit. So. Yeah, it was very confusing. If the people don't know what you're talking about, then it gets confusing very quick. Sarah, tell us more about your personal life.

What's your love life like? Really kind of non-existent. Non-existent. What kind of guys is a woman like you into? If you could. Oh, Okidoki. It appears as if the red band has decided. He thinks that you're fucking black guys.

I've done that before, yes. You are correct. Look at that. Absolutely. Definitely. Very good. Thank you, red band. What about Jews?

What about Jews? Have you ever been with a Jewish man before? I was with a black Jew one time. Whoa, a black Jew? Oh, shit. So she has not been with a Jew. Oh my goodness. Just ask her to simply one more time.

Ask her one more time. Have you ever been with a what? A Jew Jew? Just a Jew. Have you been with a Jew? Not just a Jew. No. Only a black Jew, which he obviously does not count as a Jew.

Clearly not a Jew. Where do you even find a black Jew? How is that possible? In Denver, Colorado, when I used to live there. Whoa, Denver, Colorado, a black Jew. Very interesting. He was in real estate. Up there in the mountains.

Like was he next to a pot of gold and a rainbow or something like that? I'm the black Jew. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I will steal your money and then save it. That's not cool, bro. Come on. I'm literally right here, bro. What the fuck?

Well, I mean, the black guys are laughing and that's the steal part. I mean, if they're laughing, but you should definitely be laughing about the save. Oh, we save money. Aziz. How dare you insult my culture of banking? Aziz and sorry, ladies and gentlemen. Stand up and let everyone see. We got a celebrity here.

Stand up. Aziz is here. All the way from Netflix as a joke festival. I love that Paulie really turns up his racism when he comes here to kill Tony. Hey, look, there's one of those colored things that's Aziz and sorry. And look over here. We have a Bobby Lee. How cool.

I love it. Obsessed. So Sarah, you like black men, all black men. Everybody. Right. Not the guy that was on stage before you. That guy. Oh, you mind if I like hit it from the front?

Unbelievable. Well, Sarah, it's proud of you, Sarah, for even doing it. Yeah, very, very ballsy for you to come out here and do this. This is as hard as it gets this deep into an episode of the show like this. And you stayed there in the pocket performing. Very good. Sarah blonde roots, everybody, making her kill Tony debut legend around these parts. Drinking friend to many Vulcan gas company employee.

All right, everybody, you guys know it. How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the longest standing regular in the history of the show, the big red machine, the Memphis strangler, William Montgomery, everybody. There he is. It's really him. Come on. One more time for William Montgomery, everybody.

This is that. Let's give it up for Hans Kim, everybody. This past week in England, they held the platinum jubilee for Queen Elizabeth II, celebrating 70 years on the throne. Wait, 70 years on the throne, my legs are normally numb after 45 minutes. Much like Brendan Frazier's character in the Pauly Shore classic Encino Man, Red Band's mom had to try and pass as a foreign exchange student throughout much of her adolescence. Due to the fact that she looked like a fucking caveman.

This is the ever sassy John Wayne Gacy when he's describing his house to a crime scene investigator. It's a basement, not a crawl space. That is stupid. So it's a basement, not a crawl space. It has been reported Bill Clinton's top advisor, Mark Middleton, who regularly admitted Jeffrey Epstein into the White House, was found dead with a shotgun blast to the chest and hanging from a tree. Weirdest part about it was Apex Twin was there.

Much like Andy Dick's character in the Pauly Shore classic, in the Army Now, Red Band's mom decided to join the U.S. Army Reserve after her dumb ass got fired from an electronic store. We know your mom loves stealing shit, Red Band. Jokes, everybody. Jokes by William Montgomery. One after the other. Different jokes than the week before. Not just repeating catchphrases that you've heard on the show,

even though he used it as an opener. That belt is wrapping around itself, William. Are you aware of this? It is, yeah. I haven't been able to get another one yet. Does it make it to that second belt loop, or are you doing that for style? It does make it to it. I just do it for style. Does it stay there? It feels like it's going to fall out at you. No, I think it'll be fine.

That's why I don't fucking do it. It falls just out of it. It's one of those fucking Louis C.K. belts you got there. Come on. One second, it's not there. The next, it's swanging around. Guys, all of that in common. Hi, William. How are you? Good. How are you doing?

Good. What's shaken this week? What's happening? Tell us more about that. I actually have really good news. Kirkland reached out after the last episode that aired, and I am back as the spokesperson for Kirkland brand. Wow, there's actually some audience members here representing wearing this same shirt. What's Kirkland? What's Kirkland? Take that fucking shirt off. Only I'm allowed to fucking wear one in a building, dude. Why'd you fucking wear that?

I was horrified from the fucking moment you walked in. I saw your ass fucking wearing that. Pauli Shore wants to know what Kirkland's signature is. You're their spokesman. Can you explain to them exactly? It's an exotic brand, we deal. Seriously, they tell me to say exotic. They tell me to throw the word exotic in there. Yeah, we're a very exotic brand. We're headquartered in Hawaii. They tell you to say exotic?

Yeah, they say exotic. They say we're headquarters, is somewhere with the jungle. So I've been saying Hawaii recently. Tony, last week we found out that I'm the new Kirkland signature brand ambassador. Did that email come from Costco.gov? Well, some new news to you, Red Band. I'm the new fucking person. There's only going to be one of us. It's not you anymore. They explicitly said that in the email. Did you get that email? You might want to check the address.

You know, check the fucking email, Red Band. He's like this. He's like, this D-Brain is easy above Flow Wild Wings. I don't get it, Polly. What does that mean? Hold on. What does that mean? It needs to wing stop, right? Huh? Exactly. I'm with you, William. I'm with you. What did that mean, Polly?

William, you made fun of Red Band's mom twice throughout that set. Putting a joke of separation in between the other joke. I can use the same formula. I got real high earlier and I was actually watching forensic files all day long. I love that show. But yeah, I thought, oh my God, I don't have my five jokes I try to do. So I thought I'm going to just add another Red Band. You say my mom's easy? Huh? Everybody knows she's fucking easy, dude. What the fuck are you talking about? She's an old slut, dude.

Wow. Everybody fucking knows it. What do you call her? What name do you call her? Mama. You call her mama. I call her old ass fucking mama fucking every Tuesday when I'm over there. I go over there every Tuesday. What exactly do you do with Red Band's mom every Tuesday?

You go to Columbus, Ohio for this? Go to Columbus, Ohio? No, I go to Columbus, Ohio though every Tuesday. I get her in the closet. I bend her old ass over in the fucking closet. Dude, dude, come on, bro. I tear that shit off. No, no, no. You can't say that shit, dude. I tear that shit off, Pauly.

No, no, no. It's too aggressive, bro. Please. Are you okay with that? I'm not okay with it. Red Band, you know I tear it off. I'm not okay with it. I can't wait to send this to his mom. Mom's going to be here next week. You can't bring up any of this shit.

I'm thinking about having your parents on the panel next week and having it be the Montgomery. Wait, you guys, can we switch spaces? This is the first time I've ever asked someone on the show if I can book their parents for the next week's show. Oh, is that true? Yeah. I'm literally thinking that it would be fun to have

like a normal V-mon gummies here. William, do I have your permission to let your parents sit where Pauly is this week? If you want to, if you think that'd be a good idea. Well, there you go. Looks like that's what's in the cards. I can't wait. Yeah, Pauly and I went to steak and shake together one time

after I opened for Pauly and seeing Antonio and then I had to help himself sell his t-shirts for five hours afterwards. And then he gave me a fucking $20 bill after fucking working for his ass for five hours on his fucking shirts. He literally hands me a $20 bill. You gotta pay your dues.

I know, it's fine. It was fun. You do have to pay your dues. You gotta pay your fucking dues, you redhead mother fucker. Okay, Pauly. Okay. Why do you think you're so funny because money's being poured on your fucking dumb ass face?

Okay, Pauly. No, because you're homeless, asshole. That's right, Pauly. There you go. You just have to pay. I regret bringing that up. That was a big fucking mistake. Wow.

William. Wait, come on, please. Dick to Dick. Pauly. Hold on, Pauly. Let's do that at some more. Stop. Pauly.

Pauly, you want to sing William a song? What types of... Why don't you tell the band a song and you can send us home with a jam? Pauly sure famously plays... The lead singer of Pauly Shore and the Crusties. Pauly is... You can tell there's a lot of fans here today of my band.

I'm not going to fucking sing for you people because you don't fucking deserve it. No, come on. They don't know who your band is! They don't know who your band is. Don't fucking sing to them. They don't fucking know who you are. William.

No, sing. Pauly, I was kidding. Pauly, what's a song that you know? What's a song that you know how to sing? I know tons of songs, but they don't deserve it. I mean... She... Look at this, chick.

She looks like she ate a lemon wedge right here. What the fuck out of here? I'll sing something, but you guys don't know the fucking... They know everything. They know everything? Yeah, they know everything. D-Madness has seen all your movies. Why don't we...

Why don't we do Tony Orlando tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree? See, they don't want to see that shit. Tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree. Wait, hold on. D-Madness, can you really not see? I thought this was a fucking joke the whole time. No, he's blind, William.

Oh. Oh. Pauly, what's like an actual song? I don't know. There's a whole bunch of songs. Go to my YouTube page, bro. You want us to go to your YouTube page so that we can find out what song you know how to sing?

And then we could be like, hey, man. Because they're going to know no matter what. I have to think about it. There's a lot of videos up there. I've got to think about which one. There's a lot of genres that I do. The guys behind you, Pauly, they're actual musicians. They don't just pretend to be one sometimes.

Okay, well, I took a gummy earlier, and I don't fucking remember all the songs. So give me a break. Let me think about it. I got to really think about it for a second. You want to, I don't know. What do you guys want to hear? Some stones?

I don't know. Some fucking, you know, give me a shelter. Want to play some give me shelter? See, they don't know that shit. I'm at another level. I didn't fucking think so. They're not, well, then play it. Stop fucking around.

What do you want them to play? You tell them. Please give me shelter by the Rolling Stones. One, two, one, two, five, six, seven, eight. No, that's some funk shit, dude. That's not give me shelter. If it was give me shelter, it would sound like Keith Richards right there. Now he's got to Google it and shit.

I told you, you want to see my lovely ass go to my YouTube page and see a real band. Watch me. Pauly. Pauly. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I'm just trying to fucking say it like it is, bro.

Pauly sure are going full heal on the Austin local musicians here. I'll show you a real band. I'm just fucking, I'm just fucking with you guys. You guys are cool. You're good. No, don't leave Pauly. Don't leave. Stay up here.

Pauly, do you know I believe I can fly? That could be a fun one. Do you really know it? I can do whatever. I don't care. All right. You can do I believe I can fly. Wait, Matt's got it.

There you go. Use that one. Use that one. William, sit down. The stall is the UK. Back in town today. So it's leaving. Take it down today.

Everybody singing sister. It's just a shadow way. Love. It's just a kiss away. It's just a kiss away. That's all they get. Yeah. That was amazing.

Pauly Shore, random rants. Go check out guest house streaming everywhere. Watch Pinocchio, Google Pauly Shore and the Crustys. Check out random rants. Again, guest house streaming everywhere. The son of Mitzi Shore. Give it up for Tony motherfucking Hinchcliff. Thank you very much.

And Brian motherfucking Red Band. Thank you. And the Crustys. We love you, Austin, Texas. Rock and motherfucking Roll. And how about one more time for the Kill Tony band brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey Matt Mueling on guitar. Paul Deemer on the trombone.

D-Madness on the bass. And that is the Kill Tony debut of James Atkins on the drums. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. You can check out every print available at RyanJEbelt.com. And a bunch of stand up tour dates I just put on sale at TonyHinchcliff.com. You'll also see my one man show in the main room of the comedy store June 22nd. June 22nd. June 22nd.

Pauly Shore in the place where he was raised, the comedy store. Shout out to the late great Mitzi Shore, his mother, and the person who changed our lives. Red Band. Love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.