KILL TONY - #564 - THE MONTGOMERY'S

Episode Date: July 2, 2022

Larry Montgomery, Francis Montgomery, William Montgomery, Ellis Arch, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/12/2022

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also.

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Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This is Ryan J. Ebelt, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for it, Tony!

Let's go! You guys ready to take this shit to a whole new fucking level tonight or what? Feels special in here. Make some noise for Brian Redban, everybody. Hey, everyone. He's wearing a tie tonight, so you know some shit is about to go down.

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here right now. Hey, y'all. Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliff here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy. Lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me. Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th, Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th, and the 30th.

Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August, and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long-awaited return September 29th, 30th, and October 1st. That's tickets available, TonyHinchCliff.com. And we'll see you out there. Well, hello there, my ever-so-responsible Kill Tony listeners.

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YoKratom.com, buy directly at incredible prices. YoKratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Oh my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week we are doing something even more special than that.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've always wanted to have two human wholesome people that we know and that we love on the show as guests and see how they react throughout an entire episode. You have come to a magical, magical episode as I introduce to you the Montgomery's. Francis and Larry Montgomery are here live in the flesh. Real human beings.

Wow, I'm starstruck. My man, all the way from Memphis, Tennessee. Make some goddamn noise for Francis and Larry Montgomery. These are indeed the parents of the great William Montgomery. The longest standing regular in the history of the show. The man who has done the most one-minute sets in the history of the show. This is what he came from.

Welcome to the show, you guys have both- We apologize. They've both been on the show. I called them up during some of William's sets back at the comedy store in Los Angeles. So we're all friends. You guys are super fun. Francis, say hello to these people.

Tell them what's up. I'm glad to be here. Oh, shit. Yeah, this party's about to fucking go down. These comedians are in for some wholesome feedback today. I love it. All right, all right, hold on. You have to say it into the microphone.

I'm really glad to see Red Bandit. Oh, Red Bandit. Oh, God, I thought it was like a tissue or something. I'm gonna get you to break another chain. See, she had one of these buzzer things on her head. I thought it was a snot rag. Oh, my God, famously. William did that to him before.

Well, you got to open your present that I gave you, with the hearts. I don't know if you saw that. Wait, you gave her a present? Yeah, I don't know. No, you want her to open it now? Huh, yeah, I think she should open it now. Or wait for William, I guess.

Or maybe we should wait for William. What do you think, Red Bandit? I think we should wait for William. I don't know what's inside this package. I didn't realize you were producing bits for tonight's episode. Look at the hearts and their balls. The last thing we needed is some snaky shit flying up

and giving our fucking guess. Anyway, we're going to have fucking fun tonight. Larry Francis Montgomery here to help promote William Montgomery's cameo. And also the William Montgomery show on YouTube. All right, you guys know how it works. We're about to start this shit. A bunch of comedians signed up for the opportunity

to get 60 seconds on this stage. I see you looking. Look at that. It's real. Real names inside of a bucket. If I pull their name out, that means that they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then I interview them, and they talk to my esteemed,

esteemed panel. And we find out more about them. After 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitten. Then they have to wrap it up or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. You guys ready to start tonight's show? This is it. You're in it.

You're in Austin on a Monday. To start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, this man absolutely destroying with new minutes all the time and traveling all around the world now doing stand-up comedy. Make some noise with a brand new minute. It's Hans Kim, everybody. Hey. My cousins are coming into town next month.

I'm wondering if they could be a guest on Kill Tony 2 or... I have a Vimeo I'd like to plug. It's good to be here. My name is Hans Kim. I'm really good at talking to women. It's one of my strengths. What's up, bitch? It usually goes better than that.

I think she's on her period or something. But I am a millennial. You know, I'm a young little boy. I like how we call Gen Z Zoomers because that's as far into the future that we thought about is calling them Gen Z. We're like, we're doing what to the rainforest? Holy shit. Okay, let's start counting at X and see how far we get.

I was talking to this guy and he has a PTSD... Oh, okay. All right, I'm done. I mean, Hans, you could have finished that. You don't want to finish it? I kind of want to save it for next week. Oh, okay. Save it for next week.

Why do you want to save it so badly? I'm running out of material and I'd just like to make it last as long as possible. Don't we all. So you write a lot, right? I mean, what's your regimen for writing? I lay in my bed and I use a little Bluetooth keyboard on my belly. You made this creepy, Hans. It's kind of weird because it kind of stimulates my...

Okie dokie. Do you really have cousins coming into town? No, that was just a joke. That would have been really funny. Because I was going to book them as guests on the show. Just so you stop talking shit. I love it. Are you really a millennial?

When is that? I don't know any of this shit. I never took it. I love it. Are you really a millennial? When is that? I don't know any of this shit. I never took time to learn what's a Gen Z, what's a millennial, and what's a whatever.

Really? Yeah, I'm a millennial. Gen Z is slightly younger, then older is Gen X, and then older than that is Boomers. Uh-huh. I think we got a little bit of everything on this stage here tonight. I think we all know who's who. You know what I'm saying? Um, what are you, Gen X, XL?

Gen X, Gen X, you son of a bitch. Ha-ha, got him. Hans, you have an unopened leather front pocket on that shirt. I've never really seen anything like it. What exactly is going on there? I bought it on Amazon. I didn't realize that it doesn't even have anything in it. Oh, wow, fake pocket.

It's actually not a fake pocket. There's a string that you just break the string and it becomes a pocket. Boomers told me that. Red Band. You're going to have this poor boy rip a hole in his goddamn shirt. It's true, though. Have you been buying a lot of things off Amazon lately, Hans? Yes, thanks to you and Joe Rogan.

He says it like I put a knife to his throat before the show. You better say how he... I love it. Okay, what else have you been buying off Amazon? I bought... Do you have it on your phone? Can we look at your past orders? Yeah, for sure.

What the hell? Shut up. Don't blow this. There you go. Okay. Don't scroll too far. Pictures of children with no clothes on. Yes, it has begun, my friends.

That is Larry Montgomery. We're doing this shit tonight. We're going to the deep waters. Okay, so a lot of audio equipment I see. Ooh, you bought a pair of shoes, new brown shoes. Oh, they had a heart. Oh, my God. They matched the pocket.

Did you think of that when you bought the shirt? No, I didn't even see the pocket there. Oh, my goodness. And you also got some new underwear. Are you wearing those now? Like plaid blue striped? Yeah. Look at that.

This is so interesting. I basically get to see everything that's really going on in your life right now. I'm so glad I asked about this. Is that a new sound bar? Yeah, $450. Whoa, balling out of control. Balling. What are these white stick looking things?

What are those little white delivered June 10? I think those are like plant planters. Like you put water in them. I also noticed that you do indeed have a pot for watering plants. Yeah, I got a little plant. HEB plant, $5. And you got a whole actual water just for that? Yeah.

Geez, you really are spending a lot of money. Did the girlfriend ask you to buy that shirt? I don't even think I have one of those things. Yeah, it's probably a girlfriend like, Hey, you got a girl over your shoulder. I want to water plants. I want to water plants while you make all the money. It feels like I'm doing something I need to.

Oh, there's that. It makes me feel like I did something, huh? It gives me a purpose. Even dogs need purpose. All right. So this Kufandi men's casual dress shirt, I found it. It doesn't say its price. Do you remember how much it was?

Yeah, $35. Wow. Oh my God. It is $34.97, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. You are so interestingly thrifty. How about this short sleeve that was delivered on June 10th? This new gray.

That's for next week. Oh, next week. And we get to hear the end of the PTSD. Thank you very much. Oh, is that yours? No, you're disgusting. Six pregnancy pillows. What's wrong with that?

A desk lamp. And it says you've reached the end of your orders. Did you just get Amazon on June 10th? No, I cycle through accounts. So I get one month of free prime every account. Oh my God. I'm telling you. Don't let that.

Don't let any stereotypes confuse you. This is next level Jewish right here is what's going on. That is powerful, powerful for you to go amongst life hidden as an Asian. You are so interestingly thrifty. So how many, how many Amazon accounts have you cycled through to save? Like 12, 14 bucks a month? Probably I have about nine or 10. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I'm going to report you to Amazon. It's going to catch up to you, Hans. What do you think is going to happen? He's going to get banned from Amazon. Imagine that. I'll go to eBay. Oh my God.

Did you get a new belt? No. That was a long time ago. Oh, it's an amplifier. What are you getting that for? I'm getting a podcast because Brian Redbin won't do it with me. Oh, wow. What are you playing hard to get over here?

I never said no. Well, you didn't say yes. Well, you never asked. I kind of, well, yeah, I mean, Brian, I love you. I would love it. Jesus. Oh, now you're kissing my ass. Is this how it happens?

All right. Hans, another new minute. You did it again. You got the show started for us. Thank you so much. Thank you, Tony. Hans Kim, everybody. All right.

To the bucket we go. This is where shit can go off the rails. Sometimes it's a crazy person. Sometimes it's literally the future. A local fucking artist who's been working for years, who's ready to pop. Sometimes it's a weary traveler that's come from afar here to Austin, the new comedy capital of the world. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the

name of Matt Wilding, everybody. Here we go. Matt Wilding. All right. Here he is, everybody. Matt Wilding. Was not expecting that. This is the first time I've ever done stand up.

What better place than a podcast that many people listen to? Yeah. On my 21st birthday a couple years ago, I was in a riot. That was pretty crazy. Not really expecting it. Just like tonight. There were a couple of parallels. It was at a football game.

I was really trying to get seats, but everyone wanted to go and a lot of people weren't getting seats. We found a way up the concourse and there was a crowd of us being held back by security guards. At that point we didn't really know what to do, kind of like me standing on the stage now, don't really know what to do. So we were just sitting there waiting for something to happen. And from above a girl threw a bottle of Coke on one of the security guards.

He took off after her and the whole crowd ran up the stairs and got seats. So that was how that night went. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Matt Wilding, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit coming out fucking looking like I had a feeling you were about to shred up here. I'm like, oh man, this guy looks, it feels like the next fucking Jim Carrey or something like that.

He looks like your son or started talking and it was just absolutely incredible. Just nothing but a bag full of excuses you came up here with. I've never been on a stage before. I've never done stand up before. It's my worst time out in public ever in my life. I was breastfed until I was 14. That's true. Hans just bought me this shirt off Instagram.

Amazon. Fuck, not Instagram. Stupid. He kind of looks like your son or your business advisor. One of the two. I like senior VP but close, yeah. Whoa, senior VP of what? Sucking?

Writer's Guild, everybody. Writer's Guild. So tell us about your life, Matt. I absolutely have to know everything about you. You're such a sweet little boy up here, really. Yeah, I look young but I'm actually 23. I was hoping he was going to say, I was hoping he was going to say so much older than that. I was expecting like a real twist.

He went right into it so confidently. Well, Tony, actually I look young but I'm 23. That's still so young. Well, I just graduated college. I'm about to start out my life. What better time to start trying stand up comedy? You're such an happy person. I can feel it coming from your spinal cord.

Both of your parents are still together. Am I correct? Could you tell? Absolutely. I mean, it's incredible. That's what parents still together looks like. Well, I'm just happy to be here. Divorce, what does that mean?

I don't even know what that means. I love family so much. Dude, it's true. I mean, really, that's the most important thing. That's what I learned because I hang out with my family. I actually moved out of home yesterday. I can tell I am a people person. I study the art.

I mean, that is just the shirt alone. I would have guessed all this, but that is incredible. Wow. So you grabbed your father's shirt on the way out of the door. I'm going to go in with my senior correspondent here, the great Larry Montgomery, and see what he thinks about this. Do you enjoy your senior vice president job? You know, it has its perks.

I'd probably hang with it a little longer. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, Larry. Francis, what did you think about his act tonight? I am going to throw you on the spot here. I think he's sweet. Thanks. My mom thinks that too.

That is true. That's what a lot of comedians are looking for. They are looking for to be described as sweet. Nothing hilarious, nothing funny, but man, that guy was sweet as shit. You know what I mean? All right. So let's talk about it, Matt. You're a senior VP for what?

Did we find out? Getting pussy. Wait, what? Oh, my God. Look at the women. The women are dying of laughter right now. I'll tell you, Tony, so many fingers have found one. Many of fingers, Tony.

I'm the finger king. Oh, I got to go. All right. I can't believe you said it, but you said it, so I'm going to acknowledge it. What do you mean you're the senior vice president of pussy? And by the way, who's the senior president of pussy? How much pussy is that guy getting? Barely a little bit.

You hook up with a lot of girls. Is that what you're implying? No, I'm in a committed relationship. Oh, yeah. Yes, indeed. How long have you been in that for? Five years. Five years and you're 23.

So that means the senior vice president of pussy by my calculations. I'm pretty sure has been with one woman his entire life. I'm getting the feeling he didn't get out a lot before the age of 18. I think we have found out that the SVP, if you will. The credentials don't match up, but I got the job, so. Oh, my goodness. I love it. Five years with this girl.

You seem like the kind of guy that would still be using a condom with her. Am I correct? Every fucking time. Wow. I mean, I'm telling you, that's powerful. Five years. Every time this guy's just fucking, he has his own disposal bin. He has one of those like sharpies things that the nurses have,

just like a red box on his wall to put fucking used condoms in. Wow. Look at you. What kind of condom do you use? You go through so many of them. I'm sure you have an exact brand. It's like a cigarette, if you will. Everybody has their preferred one.

What is yours? Anything extra small. Don't dump the Elmo right now. That doesn't make any sense. It's a talking thing. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Okay, so what made you want to do stand-up here?

You live here in Austin? I've lived here for the past couple of years. I'm moving away soon. One of my buddies does stand-up and he was like, hey, let's go to this thing. All right. Sounds cool. Yeah.

And so what? You signed up just so that because it was sold out? I signed up because it was free. Well, no, it's not free at all. It's free if you sign up. Your friend didn't tell you that there was a chance that you might get pulled out of a bucket? I knew I might get pulled up.

Honestly, I didn't know what I was going to say until like five minutes ago. I don't think you knew then either. Maybe five minutes from now. But you just pretty much said what's going on. Not expecting this, the classic line, one of the most hated lines in the history of the show. It's my first time. I didn't think I'd be doing it on a podcast.

And then I just wrote down Young Dexter after that. I didn't really have a chance to get it in, but that's what's written down. My goodness. What do you do for fun? Tell us, what is a 23-year-old boy that is just fucking, it looks like he's wearing a new outfit he got on Christmas from his grandmother.

Tell us what you do for fun. What's some like naughty stuff that you're into? Sneak, do you sneak out of your parents' house a lot? I did one time, yeah. Oh my goodness, and that's all it took. I learned my lesson, Tony. Jesus was looking down, and he said, you better get home, son.

What happened the one time? Tell us what you did. Did you go out your window? What was the move here? Just tell us the truth. You don't have to punch it out. So I went out the front door and... Wow.

Big mistake, my friend. I didn't actually get caught. Tony, I didn't really sneak out ever. I went out the front door, rang my own doorbell because I felt bad, had my parents come down, even though the door was unlocked. I wanted them to know the bad decisions that I had made. I tried to push my car out of the driveway,

but it was on a hill and I couldn't do it, so I said fuck it and just started the car in the driveway and drove off. Oh my God. All right, Ferris Bueller, Jesus Christ. Well, Tony, I set my keyboard up so that it made sounds of me snoring when I was gone. Pushed the car down the driveway,

put so many miles on it, had to drive it and reverse back. Matt, you are a fucking little cheese ball, but I like you. I like your style, dude. So where do you go from here? What part of Austin do you live in? Well, Tony, I'm a square, but I live in Round Rock. You know what I mean?

I'm just kidding. What part of town are you in? West Campus. Whoa, what does that mean? West Campus, like on campus? Like West of the University. Oh, that's right. You just got out of fucking the house.

So you're living by yourself? I have two roommates. Okay, what's that like? Did they do anything that annoys you? We don't have enough time for that. Perfect. I was giving you a real opportunity there, but I guess we don't have time for that.

Matt, you did it. I mean, you came up and you were yourself, which is literally one of the most important things. You're not funny at all. But you were you. You got what you deserve for signing up for a show. Go enjoy standing in the corner with the other comedians. That's your first ever kill Tony joke book

brought to you by the Great Bones Eye. There goes Matt Wilding, everybody. Matt Wilding, underscore MattRW. At least he told like a story, you know, there was a beginning, middle, and end at least. Thank God there was an end. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Vulcan Gas Company?

Everybody's running around, working. Amazing bar staff. Devin, Alexis, Jack. Everybody's here. Did you hear that dexter theme they're playing? Makes the noise for your next comedian. His name is Charlie Spies, everyone. Charlie Spies.

Here he comes. He's on a direct path right to the stage. The Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Charlie Spies, everybody. Hey, everyone. I got a friend. He does this gesture when he talks to you. It makes me laugh when I see him do it

because I've never seen a woman do it. I've never in my life seen a woman be like, Jane, it didn't deserve that promotion. Are you kidding me? That bitch doesn't even show up on time. It's a stupid gesture. But if you do it, that's fine. If you do it, I have a little tip.

Just widen your grip. Maybe lengthen your stroke a little, you know? Because you'll express your displeasure, but you'll leave her wondering, you know? That's all I have. Charlie Spies, everybody. Welcome. Charlie, how long have you been on stand-up?

Off and on for 10 years. 10 years? Holy fucking shit, man. I'm very nervous. Off and on for 10 years. What else have you been doing? You seem like the kind of guy that's a real professional. No, no, I doordash.

Really? Yes. Larry, what do you think about this guy? I doordash. He's been doing comedy off and on for 10 years, and he has one joke about jacking off. Sir, sir, sir, sir. You write what you know.

You write what you know. Francis, you thought the last boy was sweet. I'm interested to hear what you say about this guy. This is the guy that molests the boy that was on right before. Who does he sorta look like? Can y'all tell? Yeah, it's a... Who?

It's a... What's his name? The guy from whose line is it anyway? Do y'all not... It can no one say it but me? Elvis Costello. No, I swear he looks like Dustin Hoffman a little bit. Dustin Hoffman, absolutely.

Oh, yeah, I could see that, yeah. Do you do a Dustin Hoffman impression, perhaps? No. No? No. You should. No. You should do that forever.

You should just say you're Dustin Hoffman. You should sign up as Dustin Hoffman. Definitely, definitely. And pretend like you're talented. Charlie, this is incredible. So what have you been doing? How are you just doordashing? What's the thing?

What am I missing here? How are you a doordacher? You look like you would be your own accountant. No, I mean, yeah, I fell into it in the pandemic. I got laid off. Where'd you get laid off of? From a company that made sportswear. And since all the leagues shut down,

they just stopped making sportswear. You went to college? No. I mean, I did a little, but I didn't graduate. What's your ethnicity? White-ish. White-ish? Is that half white, half Jewish?

That's, I'm some things, but I don't know where my mom's family comes from. You don't know where your mom's family is. Right, right, right. Well, there is a couple parents that we know that are looking for someone to move back into their house. I don't know if you know this, but Matt Wilding just left of,

have you ever slept in a race car bed before? So, Charlie, let's talk about it. What have you been doing for, like, fun? It seems like, you know, it seems like... Well, I have an 11-year-old daughter. Okay. And so I, she's fun. She's hilarious.

She's fun. She's interesting to talk to. That's... I love it. Very cool. Are you a single dad? No, no. I got married.

Oh, okay. You're still together? All right. Very cool. What does she do? What does she... Oh, she's a hairdresser. Okay.

All right. What do you guys do for fun? How do you keep it... How do you keep things hot in the bedroom? Like, I like you, Charlie. Oh, man. Oh, dude. That's...

I mean, I'm 45. I don't care anymore. I don't really... Wow. I don't... Oh, my goodness. Have you heard of our... One of our great sponsors, Bluechew.

He's the promo code Kill Tony at Bluechew. We go to movies. We, you know, go out. We talk a lot. We have great conversations with my wife. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Now that we're here in Austin,

I swear to God, when Rogan's club opens up, we're going to be doing this show there for sure. And when guys like this come on stage, I'm going to have somebody come up and inject them with testosterone. So it's going to be a new feature of the show. We have friends here in Austin

that literally just... We could fucking get your blood pumping again. You'll end up being hilarious and shit. We had no idea. Well, I'll tell you everybody, I'm Charlie. All right. We're not really getting anything from you.

Any crazy fun fact about your life? I lost 100 pounds. Oh, now this is starting to make sense. Not easy for a post-made striver to do, by the way. That's very tempting. It's not. Right. How would you do it?

What's your secret? Oh, I just stopped drinking. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. I know I'm a boo, but yeah. I stopped drinking and stopped eating shit. Okay.

Right, right. Well, you ate shit on stage tonight, my friend. So... You set me up for that one. Ten years of the game, you know how to blow up a beach ball, don't you? I love it. Very, very interesting.

Okay. So, Charlie, let me ask you this. What are you afraid of? I like everything. Really? Yeah. I was afraid of COVID. I mean, that's another reason why I lost the weight

is because it's just killed fat people most of the time. Right. Yeah. Diseases do that. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy that people just learn this during COVID. I'm afraid of people, honestly.

I'm afraid of people and talking to people and socializing. Right. I'm 45. I would have been diagnosed with something if they took those tests back then. Right. No doubt. No doubt laughter is the best medicine

and you have none of that in your life. So, you would be unhealthy, Charlie. But congratulations. This is your Kill Tony debut. You live here in Austin? I live in Phoenix. Okay. And what brought you to Austin?

Just wanted to come out here for a week, you know. What else do you have planned that's exciting to you? Oh, Deming, New Mexico on Saturday. What's there? I'm doing a show there. Oh, cool. I'm also on the way back. Tristan's going to be on it.

Oh, nice. I love that. We know, of course, Tristan is a comedian from the great Phoenix, Arizona. I'm going to check in one more time with who's already, just a few minutes into the episode, literally, one of my favorite guests of all time, Larry Montgomery.

I'm thinking if you're doing a show in New Mexico, you need more than one joke about Jack-in-law. Yeah. I got... That's just me, though. I'm not... I'm no expert. Don't worry.

I have dozens of jokes about joining off like this. Yeah. I got plenty. That's... That is advice to the father of the show, Larry Montgomery. Charlie, congratulations. It was nice to meet you. I love that all different shapes and sizes and age groups

and veterans of the game and people this, that, and you're another one. You have the balls to sign up tonight. Congratulations. Charlie Spees, everybody. It's a jokebook from Bones Eye. Getting rid of the small ones quick here tonight. It's that kind of night so far.

You guys having fun out there yet? Huh? All right. Aya Amarir. Aya Amarir. Aya Amarir. Amarir. Aya A-Y-A.

Aya? Aya Amarir. Aya Amarir. Here. Wait. Oh, here she is, everybody. Ah, yeah. What is up, Vulcan?

How are we doing? Yeah. Do you guys like YouTube videos? No. I watched this YouTube video the other day where this guy interviews homeless people and asks them how much money they spend. They spend every single day on drugs.

And this one guy said he spends $300 a day. $300 a day. That's more than $100K a year. This guy is not addicted to drugs. He's addicted to making money. Fuck an MBA. Give me some meth and I can build a work ethic. Do you guys think racist people have

diverse investment portfolios? Yeah, I think racist people have OCD. Like, some people don't like it when their peas and carrots touch. They don't like it when black and white people touch. It's gross, makes them lose their appetite. Wow. Aya Amarir.

Am I saying that correctly? Yeah. Aya? Yeah, Aya. Awesome. Welcome to the show, Aya. By far one of the funniest 11-year-olds we've ever had on in the show's history.

It's crazy. It's crazy that your dad was just on stage right before you. I'm glad it was a long trip from the Disney Channel to be here for that performance. This is incredible. Aya, you are the funniest person that's ever been on the show that has not had their period yet. Unbelievable performance.

Unbelievable performance. Seriously, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like two months. Two months. And up here, absolutely smashing. Oh my God, the last guy has been doing it 10 years. This is crazy. Welcome to natural talent, everybody.

It plays a role. Likeability. Unbelievable. Two months. Wow. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? I'm a student. Okay.

Well, not now because it's summertime. Right. Second grade. Absolutely. We love it. Right now, technically, I'm in recess right now. She's exploring. Yeah.

I love it. What are you studying? I'm studying film. Okay. Yeah. Very, very good. Very good. You have a job?

Yeah. Kind of. Like, I don't, yeah, I don't really like it. So. What type of job is it? I'm like a copyright. Okay. Yeah.

So I just write stuff. All right. Okay. All right. No, actually I type. Like I type. Right. Hell yeah.

Right. I see that. I could get that. I was getting Anne Frank vibes from you. So I bet you do. Yeah. Let's check in the man, the myth, the legend Larry Montgomery. Hi, sir.

Hello. When folks type, that usually means they're a secretary. Are you a secretary? I don't know what, like maybe we have the same roles as like a secretary, but like just the title, the title, yeah, the title is copyright, but maybe the, the, the work is like the same. Maybe. I think I just saw, I have fallen in love with Larry Montgomery. This is like the start of all my favorite stepdad porn's right here.

You know, incredible. You talked about a homeless guy. I saw a homeless guy earlier. Oh yeah. I saw a lot too. Yeah. And he said, and he said, can I have $10 till payday? And I said, when's payday?

He said, how the fuck do I know? I don't have a job. I'm not one of my favorite guests of all time. My favorite guest of all time, Larry Montgomery up here. The lights are going off. Larry, that's a big deal when those lights go off like that. That means something. A disclaimer, not a single joke I tell tonight is original, including that one.

So I'm just telling you, but I'm not a comedian so I can steal jokes. Right. You're absolutely right. That's why Amy Schumer gets to do it. So Aya, tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? Are you right now searching for Pokemon here at the Balkan Gas Company? No, I like cycling.

I'm really good at. You're tricycling. You seem like you're not ready for two wheels yet. You know what I'm saying? Just out there fucking coming around corners like the kid from The Shining. No, it. Yeah, two wheels. Two wheels.

No trainers? No, I don't need them. Don't need them. All right. Very good. So you're out there. Where do you like to cycle to? Around.

Okay. Very good. What do you think? I'm going to follow you or something. Jesus Christ. This one. All right. Just around.

Okay. And what else Aya, what else do you do for fun other than cycling? Um, uh, I guess I don't, I don't really do much. You have friends that you hang out with? A few. Yeah. Um, I'm really good at catching. Catching?

I feel like I'm on a casting couch right now. What does that mean? What do you mean catching? Like I'm just like super good at it. At catching random things? Yeah. Like just like catching? Yeah.

Like I used to be goalie when I was younger. Really? All right. Here's a little joke book. Let's see if you can catch one. Okay. I'm really good at catching. Let's see how good you really are.

Here's another one. You have to keep that one in your hand. Here we go. Oh, almost. Usually I have like, like gloves. Oh, you want to use your other hand? Here we go. Oh, oh shit.

She's putting the mic in the mic stand. One of the best catchers in the world. Aya Amarir everybody. Whoa. All right. Here we go. Oh. Ah.

You're not bad. Guys, guys, guys, guys. I caught it and then I dropped it. Guys, I caught it. You guys saw me catch it? And then I dropped it. No, we're saying no catch here. These are all fucking Cowboys fans here.

They know, they know when somebody drops the ball. Longhorns fans, Cowboy fans, these people are used. They're used to this. I mean an unbelievably incredible performance. I really, really hope that you continue to sign up for this show and show us some new minutes. What's the longest set you've ever done? Like seven minutes?

Seven minutes. If you want to do three to five minutes at the Secret Show Thursday, I'd love to have you. Wow. Look at that. Two months into her career. Aya Amarir. Yeah.

Aya, amazing. Keep one of those big joke books for yourself. Give the rest back to us. An unbelievable performance. Make some noise for Aya Amarir, everybody. That's what's crazy about this show is that you could have a Charlie Spies and a Matt Wilding, and then all of a sudden you're seeing somebody who's,

I mean, definitely going to be a comedian for probably the rest of her life. So that's pretty wild that you see her two months into her career destroying with a minute of stand-up. Not easy to do. Crazy. All right. Okay, yeah, let's do that.

We have a new regular on the show, ladies and gentlemen. We've been watching him grow weekly here. Let's see what he does this week. Ladies and gentlemen, Amazon employee, kill Tony regular. This is LSH. Black people, we got to stop hitting our kids. Man, it's getting ridiculous. I was at the barbershop.

A kid was kicking and screaming. I mean, kicking and fucking screaming. I'm going to find out the kid had autism. You know, yeah, but the thing is the dude, the kid left, my barber was pissed. And he was like, man, you know what? Autism. I bet you if you got his ass,

well, he wouldn't have that shit no more. I said, I don't think that's how that shit works. Imagine if it was that easy, you know, organizations would have to change platforms. I mean, it'll be autism speaks to autism beats, you know what I'm saying? But white people, y'all laughing, y'all ain't exempt either, because you know what I'm saying? I seen y'all try to talk to kids that growl at you and shit. It's crazy.

I seen it at H-E-B. A white woman was like, come on, Tommy, let's use our words. That motherfucker. She cried on the phone like, I don't know. I'm trying to put them in time out. I need to put them in therapy. I'm like, bitch, you need to put them down. You know what I'm saying?

Shit, y'all. If my kid is growling at me, I fucked up. It's time for a new kid and this bitch. Oh, look at that. Growth. LSH, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, stop it. Stop it.

Powerful performance. Oh, thank you. Projecting. Thank you. Thank you. Using his skillset, LSH, how are you? I'm doing good, man. I was doing push-ups upstage, you know, getting ready and shit.

Okay, all right. Hell yeah. How does that make you feel when you do push-ups? It's just like I'm more like in the pocket and shit. I feel like the Incredible Hulk and shit, you know? Oh, wow. I feel like Zack and shit. If y'all seen Zack, that man is fucking Chuck Diesel.

Who the fuck is Zack? Just a random ass guy named Zack that you're talking about? I don't know if y'all seen Zack, but met him before the show. He's a comedian. He's solid. Solid cat. Okay, all right. Well, Alice, so let's talk about it.

How's life going? Life is going good, man. I'm trying to make moves, you know what I'm saying? I teamed up with this local production company called Local Legends. How much did they pay you to say their name on the show like that? I signed the NDA, so I can't really... Well, then you shouldn't have said their name. Oh, fuck.

I forgot how that was used. Wow. Fuck. I signed the NDA. I didn't read the NDA, Tony, but I signed that shit. Yeah, man, but Anthony Ryan runs it. We're just trying to get show... Oh, Jesus Christ.

I mean, would you like to give out his social security number as well? Oh, man. I feel like we have to make fun of him now. Tony, I'm not allowed to talk about it. Anthony Ryan runs it. It's called this. Its address is... Yes, sir.

All right, Alice, let's talk about something else here. You talked about black people hitting kids. Is that a thing? Do you think black people hit kids more than white people hit kids? Oh, yeah. Really? Dude, I'm 28. My mom is still trying to whip my ass and shit.

What do you do to where your mom's trying to discipline you? Shit, I don't know. Fucking just ignore some shit. I don't know. Larry and Francis, did you guys ever have to discipline one of the biggest stars in the history of the show, William Montgomery? I didn't tell this. Yeah.

Larry used to spank him with a gator tail. Larry used to spank him with a gator tail. You would pop him with a gator tail, and they were all... They were scared to death. Yeah, we had a... With a big orange gator. We had a plastic gator that had a really rough tail that really got their attention. I can't imagine the little welts that it left on William's ultra-fair gingery skin.

Yeah, and on his personality. Yeah, absolutely. We're finding out right now why William is hilarious every week. Turns out, beat your kid with a gator tail, everybody. That'll do it. Absolutely. You guys are out there in Tennessee, in the real life, in the hilly valleys, right? Yeah.

And so, yeah, that's how life is. I was just talking about this with some people disciplined back in the day. I used to get a belt. For real? I had a yardstick. Remember those yardsticks from, like, Jillian fabrics? Yeah. Yeah, switches.

Yeah, yardstick. I don't know. I would take that over a belt any day. A yardstick aerodynamically. Oh, it's great. It's just enough. It's like a gator tail. All right.

There's a lot of people here in Texas yelling out their favorite thing to beat their kids with right now. Hammer! Nailed it! That Minecraft thing. But yeah, gator tail. I gotta try that shit. Raise me a good boy.

Thank you, sir. All right. Alice, what else has happened this week? What else is going on? Oh, man, I'm just, you know, shit, doing deliveries and shit at Amazon. That's pretty cool. I've seen a peacock in somebody's front yard. I didn't even know that was possible.

Oh, shit. A fucking peacock. I swear to God. Whoa, is this your way of saying that you met Louis C.K.? I didn't get it out properly. I stumbled on my own words. Stupid. Saw the old peacock on the front lawn if you know what I'm saying.

I don't think he was pee. No, it was a peacock, though. Peacock. So you saw R. Kelly live. That one better? Is that better? Is that better? Hell, yeah.

All right. Where were you when you saw this peacock? Just delivering packages and I just seen them on fucking just... Oh, oh, shit. You have an impression? Yeah. It was scary, dude. I didn't know what the fuck to do because I didn't know if they were violent or what,

you know? I just got, like, I don't even know where to get a peacock because I just got a cat with big nuts in my front yard. Wait, you have a cat with big nuts? Yeah, I think he got testicular cancer or something. That cat's nuts is as big as plums. Really? Yeah.

Have you been to the vet recently? Where'd you get this cat from? Oh, no, he was a stray that my mama just keep feeding. Oh, my goodness. And he's just walking around with big balls? I didn't even know cats. Did cats even have? Hell, yeah, they do.

Yeah, they have nuts, dude. But you usually get them snipped, you know? Yeah. If you don't, when they get old, it's like Irish of Fear nuts. Cats going around hooking up with other neighborhood cats? Oh, no, that cat is sick. He looks sad. Like, my mom keeps giving him milk.

I'm like, mama, he don't need milk. He need chemo. Oh, my God. That cat is a sick motherfucker. I'll send a picture next week for y'all. All right. I want to see it. And make sure you zoom in on the nuts.

All right. I don't think I've ever seen cat nuts before. Sounds delicious. You want to look it up? I can Google some cat nuts if you want. Yeah, Google cat nuts. Let's see what's going on here. Why'd you say cat nuts near me?

Why'd you say... By the way, Red Bandit spells cat nuts with two T's at the end of... Nuts. It's kind of cute. Oh, my God, it is. It does. But then they could be diseased like this. Oh, get the fuck out of here.

Get those cat nuts out of here. Oh, this one fell off. That's disgusting. Oh, my God. Cat balls. It says cat balls there. All right. Ellis, thank you for introducing us to the sweet, sweet art form of cat balls.

Very good set tonight. Thank y'all. God bless y'all. Getting more consistent, everybody. Ellis H. All right. Back to the bucket we go. As you've seen, anything can happen.

Maybe it's someone just here to try to get in for free. Edson Chavez. Or Nelson, perhaps. Edson, I think it is. Elson Chavez. Chavez Chavo. Here he is, everybody. Where are my Mexicans at, man?

Hell, yeah. That's what I'm talking about, man. Hell, yeah. Con huevos, verdad? Hell, yeah. I'm not casting this spell, sir. Don't worry. I'm not doing it.

It's just Spanish. It's just Spanish. How are we doing, man? I thought they were kicking us out, man. I thought they were kicking us out. Hey, for all that, for all those white people, man, that's our mating call. So, y'all, if you want to meet me after. Vámonos para la casa.

Now, but I've actually lived in Austin for about six or seven years. Thank you. What's up? I'm doing something. Now, but one thing that's been tough for me is the way I look. It's tough, right? The way I look. A little like Dora if she was transgender.

It's tough for me, man. Like, automatically, just imagine me, you know, your kids watching TV and you see me. Hola, soy Dora. My voice automatically changes, man. You automatically want to turn the TV off. You're like, yo, turn that shit off. Non-binary. I don't want to explain why that girl has a cock.

All right, my name is Edson Chavez. Thank you. Oh, yeah. All right. Edson Chavez. Welcome to the show, my friend. How are you? I'm good.

How are you, Mr. Tony Inchcliffe? I'm good. Thank you for saying my full name like that. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Very respectful. I love it. So, how long have you been to stand up?

Seven months. Seven months. What made you want to start this? So, I've always wanted to do stand up, but I never had the balls to do it. And then, like, about eight months ago, I was in a relationship for about four years, and then she got the fuck out, and I was like, you know what? I ain't got shit else to do. Right.

So, you get to chase your dreams. What made her get out? When you say she got out, what does that mean? Was she... She went back to Chicago, so she was like, yo, I'm out of here, and I was like, damn, you were going to give me papers, but I guess not. Right. You're truly from Mexico.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. That annoys you. I can tell. You do that one more time. I'm calling ICE. Please. Please, no.

Edson. Yes, sir. Let's talk about it. When did you come over the border? Are you one of Kamala Harris's neglectees that just fucking... You're a freshie. No, I wish. I actually came.

So, when I'm 26, I came when I was nine months old, so... I didn't have papers until I was like 19. Is that Clinton? Obama? I don't remember if I'm being honest. I want to find out exactly who's watched this happen. Come on in. It's incredible.

So, let's talk about it. What do you do for work? See, a lot of these people that come up here, unemployed, I postmates. I bet this guy's about to rattle off two or three jobs right now. Hey, you're almost right about that. No, I'm inside sales for a construction supply company, ABC Supply. There you go. 3% shout out ABC Supply Company.

Yes, sir. I love it. So, what exactly do you do? I just basically sell like windows, siding, shingles, so it's, you know, we supply just shit like that. It's growing here in Austin, so, you know, I'm out here doing it, and then after that, I work out, and then, you know, I do an open mic right after that. What kind of workouts do you do? You just jump over walls.

That's one of them. That's one of them, jumping over walls. Definitely. I always got to be ready. That's why I always got my Nikes on. Thank you, Francis. Francis just said that was funny. Thank you.

Thank you, Francis. I appreciate it. Francis agrees that we need a stronger border. I love it. Edson, so did you leave a big family in Mexico? Yeah, all my family's in Mexico, so my parents came and brought my sisters and brothers here, and yeah, it's only us here in Texas. Gotcha.

How many brothers and sisters do you have? I got one older brother, and I got two younger sisters. Okay, so four kids. Yes, sir. Two parents. Yes, sir. Right. Does your sisters look kind of like you?

Why, you interested? They didn't eat papers, too. That's a pot six. This guy's trying to get a Greek card from Red Band. Have you had work done, because you kind of have that carrot top like eyes. You know what I mean? Carrot top? No, sir.

Carrot top eyes? Red Band, what the fuck are you talking about? Carrot top is a red-headed white man. He looks like he's had work done. This guy looks like fucking Pocahontas with a beard. Work done. Jesus Christ. I mean, you're just kind of, sometimes I'm like, what show are you watching?

There's nothing carrot top about you. Thank you. I appreciate that. Nothing. I mean, you look like the guy that would pull carrot tops out of the ground. And then put them in some type of bin with the other carrot tops. This shit's broken or something. I can fix it if you pay me.

What else, Edson, in your life, what do you think is the most Mexican thing about you? Oh, fuck. Let's see here. Fuck, I still lie about having a social security. Wait, what? I still lie about it. Just to sound cool, because I think it's kind of cool. You just give people a fake number?

Yeah, I'm just like, they're like, do you have a social? You know, I have random strangers come up to me. Like, you ever social? It's Texas, I don't know. Yeah, what? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Michael Gonzalez, my senior Mexican correspondent, just dropped a hard what with a hard W. Oh, you know what?

I have a Texas tattoo, even though I was born in Mexico. That way, if I ever get a tattoo. Oh, look at that. The old excuse me officer, I have an itch on my upper shoulder. Exactly. Yeah, that usually gets me right through the light. Oh my goodness, you should get a tattoo of a green card on your forearm. I gotta get one first.

I love it. So what's your plan? How long do you have to look for one? Until I get married, but you know, she ran off, so, yo, what's up? Wait, what? Did I ask you why she ran off? No, sir. Why did she run off?

She was tired of Texas. Fuck that bitch. Texas is fucking number one state. Shit. Yeah, gang, gang, Texas. What did she not like about Texas? That it was fucking hot. I mean, just like, whatever.

So she went back to where she was. She hated the people. She hated the people. She was white, you know, this blonde bitch. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Exactly. Yeah, I tried.

Jesus, what? This is the weirdest crowd ever. Just booing white people. Hell, yeah, let's go. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Goodness. I'm sorry. Incredible.

Absolutely incredible. I don't know where to begin with you. What have you, are you loving doing stand-up comedy? Oh, hell, yeah, dude, every time. Dude, I look forward to it whenever I fucking wake up. I'm nervous about it, but goddamn, dude, it's just like, tonight, I didn't want to come today. I usually have soccer games on Mondays, but...

Where's the music, dude? Yeah, where's the fucking music? Jesus Christ. Hey, if I do that noise, they're going to call ICE. I love it. By the way, that's the most Mexican thing about you. When I asked you what's the most Mexican thing about you, your immediate answer should have been,

I'm supposed to be playing soccer right now. Would you ask before that? Did you say something? What did you say? I don't know what I was talking about. Oh, yeah, soccer. Oh, doing open mics. Yeah, I love doing it because, like I said,

I wasn't going to come tonight, but I was like, fuck it, I don't have any soccer games, so I might as well come try to kill Tony. Right. And fuck it, I got my name called up, so that's crazy. Fuck yeah, absolutely. Sorry, I'm getting a little violent. They don't have mic stands at these open mics

you've been doing? Nah, this is kind of shitty. Those of you just listening to the podcast, he keeps having a lot of trouble over here. No, I kind of am. The guy that works in construction, he has the mic stand doing a fucking tower, too, over here, this little explosion.

I'm just not going to touch it. We're good. All right, well. Ed's in fun times. Thank you, I appreciate it. I had a blast with you. You're very, very interesting. You have a lot of energy.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I don't know exactly. Yeah, I mean, the stuff worked. Dora the Explorer, you do indeed look like a transgender Dora the Explorer. You might want to think about a tag on that. Thank you. Keep it trying to stretch that out,

something about a cave or something maybe. I don't know how she didn't always have a cave or something. I don't know. There's something there. You have to play around with it a little bit, but this seems like there's more. Have fun, Edson.

Thank you. Congratulations. Here's a joke book. I appreciate it. Take one of those. Edson Chavez. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket one more time?

I don't know. All right, we'll do it. Hey. All right. Make some noise for Cyber Sandy, everybody. Cyber Sandy. I do believe she's been on this show before. Cyber Sandy.

Yeah. Here she is, everybody. Cyber Sandy. Can you handle two Mexicans back to back? I don't know. Actually, I'm not Mexican. I'm Colombian, but like, you know, default Mexican. That's like the vibe, right?

So any Texans here? Okay. So you get it. Yeah. So my name is Cyber Sandy. And I want to thank you for your time. Thank you for being here. I seated a few of y'all.

This has been great. I'm really nervous. I have a habit of getting myself in really bad situations. Like, I don't have to merge four lanes. But like, if I wasn't looking at the beautiful Texas sunset, I wouldn't have to, right? I'm not a good driver, clearly. I'm waiting on getting a Tesla, but you know,

no, they say this thing that's like, there's no ugly wives. It's only broke husbands. So honey, my Tesla, where's the camera? Honey, my Tesla, where is it? Um, also with bad situation. Oh shit. Cyber Sandy going over the cat.

Oh man. That was rough. Wow. That was aggressive. Oh my God. Sandy, who told you that you're funny? This is incredible. What happened?

Larry Montgomery. This is very stressful. Sort of consistent with my thought. I'm not an expert, but I think if you do a comedy thing, you're supposed to tell a joke. Right? I mean, I'm no expert. No, give me the feedback.

I mean, you've literally, you guys, you have the beast, right? Like, I don't know. The what? The Montgomery. The beast. Oh, the beast. Yeah. Sandy, what the fuck are you talking about right now?

He said you didn't do a joke. I know, but I just wanted to say when like, Willie Montgomery is your offspring and like the standards are high. I'm sorry. Like you're from like Alabama. You're already, I'm already 10 points low. Oh my God. Can you believe this?

I miss the past go like three times. Leave it to a Colombian to dig a deep hole. My goodness. This is incredible. Sandy, stop talking. Answer questions and then stop talking. You're more Mexican than Edson Chavez. And you're not even Mexican.

I don't even stop talking. I like Rosie Perez and white men can't jump. She's still talking. I'm talking about how she's talking. And I like hear her on a podcast while I'm talking. Even like, look at how Larry waits. It's his first time ever doing anything I think in show business. He's waiting.

He knows that timing is a thing. You're still talking. I know. You're missing out on fundamentals here. Larry, you made the fellow with the one jackoff joke look funny. Well, that's just it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm not like you used to. You seem nice. Thank you. You really do. I'm a kind person. You seem nice. Perhaps one of the most cold-blooded backhanded insults I've ever seen by any guest in the history of the show.

This is going even better than I thought it was going to go. I was pretty positive that this was going to be great. It's a thousand times better. This is absolutely amazing. Now, I'm going to go to Francis Montgomery here who has been, I mean, one of the nicest guests all night. I absolutely have got to see what you have to say about the very pandering performance of Cyber Sandy here.

Francis, right into the tip of that microphone. I can't be mean to her. Honestly. But if you were going to be mean, what would you say? This is what the show's about. People want to hear it. Shut the fuck up. Exactly.

Stop talking. I know what the people want. Oh, my God. You're the worst. Jesus Christ. You make me want to fire my cleaning lady. That's horrible. Francis, you have the floor.

But it's just so sweet you brought your little purse and your drink up. I don't know. I don't know. It was stressful. No, I can't imagine. No, but you guys, you guys literally enough trauma to make William funny, you know, like Cyber Sandy. Your eyes got really big there.

He never had any trauma. He did. Yeah. He think William did. Cyber Sandy. Except for the, what? Except for the, except for the what, man? Oh, yeah.

What is that? A box? I think, yeah. Sandy, stop asking questions. Okay. Oh, my God. I feel like I'm on a show. What the fuck?

Let me just vibe. Oh, my God. You can't even help yourself. You're literally the worst. It's unbelievable. I'm going to get you out of here before you say something else. Yeah, please, send my time. Do the bear again.

Cyber Sandy, you're terrible at comedy. I don't think you know what's funny. What's your trauma, past life trauma like? You seem like you have a pretty good life behind you as well. Yeah. It's in the past. Don't bring it up. Thanks.

Oh, my God. You're so snort at all. How can you be boring and annoying at the same time? It's incredible. Oh, my God. Married life. Wow. All right.

Cyber Sandy. Okay. Thank you. This is my time. Okay. There she goes. Please don't ever sign up again. Cyber Sandy.

Cyber Sandy, everybody. Really? Really? You think so, sir? Did you sign up? She's gotten one before. We got to do it. How long have we been on for?

110. We started late. Let's do one more out of the bucket. You say that now, but this could backfire very, very quickly. We've seen this before. You started some real shit here, sir. All right. Damn.

The handwriting is wild. People are coming out of this pandemic. Literally don't know how to write. Make some noise for Vlad Arah Evans or Vihidra. Vihidra Evans begins with a V. Evans. Oh my God. It says Victoria. I see it now.

Victoria Evans. Here she is, everybody. Hello. I'm not as nervous actually. She's got it. She's got it. So, lately I had a pregnancy scare. We all know I'm not fit to be a mother right now.

My past. I thought of it really scared me. It came to me that it's a joke because they both require a good delivery. But the best delivery I've seen is the Uber Eats driver who really has come through on some rough days where they're delivering wine to me. In front of my house, there's a church next to the vents and they'll put my wine tequila back there and with very specific directions. Now I'm getting really fucking nervous.

I'm just fucking nervous right now. God. Okay. I don't know if I can make a comeback right now. Okay. Well, actually, since I have last been here, I got a job. I'll just stop there. Okay.

She's going to stop there is what she's saying. She got a job. Victoria Evans. That's Victoria Evans, everybody. One of the best performances by someone in an ankle bracelet that we've ever had on the show. What the fuck is going on here? What are you doing with yourself? Larry Montgomery.

That's the closest I've been to an escaped fucking prisoner in my life. Oh, my God. Oh, it's never going to get this good again, everybody. This is peak kill Tony. This is the new era. Oh, my goodness. We have to get the Montgomery's to move to Austin. Mr. Montgomery, can you be a new regular for us?

Yeah, this is incredible. A permanent part of the show. We will do anything to make it. He has a minute. Really? Oh, shit. Oh, no. Stop it.

Stop it. I need a hand. I need this. I swear I got this. All right. Maybe later. Maybe. Hold on.

Hold on, everybody. Stop. You guys, you guys are troublemakers back there. By the way, make some noise for the band. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The Peterson brothers are here tonight. Local icons. The great Paul Deemer on the trumpet and trombone.

And of course, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. But we're going to talk for one more moment here with literally a human train wreck. Victoria Evans ankle bracelets on. How did you end up with that? Do you not remember? Victoria, we do the show a lot. I'm glad you forgot, honestly.

So this is an ankle monitor for alcohol. And if you didn't notice, I bedazzled it. It says kill. But I just could fit T and H. Okay. Fuck yeah. A true artiste. I love it.

From drinking and driving. From drinking and driving. Okay. How long do you have to wear that for? I have to wear it for at least 90 days, but I have been sober for two and a half months now, which is good. Well, yeah. Two and a half months is, I mean, that's almost 90 days.

You really didn't do anything. What are you talking about? Two and a half months isn't 90 days. You're like, I'm sober anyway. It doesn't matter. You didn't get it when you were sober. What the fuck are you talking about? Actually, I had to be sober to get it.

Kind of bullshit. Did you just try to take credit for it? That's unbelievable. You got sober after you were drinking and driving, putting innocent people's lives at risk. You're very right. You could have hurt Hans Kim out there. Now you have a clear purse.

Is that like some prison shit too? What is going on here? What is that? There's a Lara bar. Spin it back around. Take your medicine. There's a Lara bar wrapper in there that is about four fifths eaten, everybody.

Pull it out. Pull it out. I want this beautiful sold out audience to see. I mean, what are you saving that for? What are you doing with the remainder of that fucking Lara bar? I eat like a bird. I don't know.

Oh my God. And what else do you have in there? What's that? Those Cheez-Its? Is that Fritos? It appears to have the bag. Oh, Cheez-Its. Nailed it.

Thank you very much. Thank you. It could have been Fritos. It could have even been Nacho Cheesier Doritos. But I took a chance. Went with the Cheez-Its. I was correct. Prison food 101.

Larry Montgomery, what do you think about all this? I was looking at that food in your purse and I wondered if you thought we were going to have a nuclear fucking war and you had all the survival food or something. That's it. That's the basic bitch survival pack right there. One bite of Lara bar. One miniature bag of Cheez-Its.

Now that has to be government issued that you have to have that I guess because why would you want anyone to see what's in your purse? No, I don't know. I mean... Is that a bag of cocaine in there? I'm seeing some weird shit. No, it's a bag of hair ties.

And then there's nail polish. Yup, basic bitch starter pack. I love it. So how much longer until you get the ankle bracelet reads whether or not you have alcohol in your system? Yeah, so it takes samples of your sweat. Fucking serious? Oh my god.

We live in an age where even my sweat is being judged. Now what if like you walk by somebody and they spill a little drink on your ankle? Um, well... At a bar, like this. Yeah, you put yourself in a dangerous situation here. Luckily you don't have to worry about anybody having a spit take during your comedy set or else someone could have sprayed

alcohol with alcohol-infused beverage. And hopefully I guess what happens is you explode. I think so. Probably like electrocutes me. All right. And what we learned last time she was on, she's very proud of it. That's why she has it showing. Like she's not wearing like bell bottoms.

She kept on like... She likes the fact that she has that ankle bracelet. Well, I hide it at work. They haven't found out at work yet because I do have a job now. What's the job? They don't know. The people at the job don't know that you have the ankle bracelet. They don't know of my charge but not of the actual bracelet.

Right. You wear stuff over that. You pull your pants over that. I actually wear bell bottoms sometimes or like dress with cowgirl boots and... Bell bottoms. In two weeks they're gonna know. No, in two weeks it'll be all. What's this new job?

Who the fuck is hiring you? Well, I actually am smart and do have a degree. So I work as a... A deodorant? She's got a fourth degree DUI. Not quite. Not quite. His look of disappointing is really upsetting me.

I love it. Okay. So Victoria... I'm a project coordinator though at Frontier Marketing Group. At a furniture dealership. Oh. Basically. Okay.

So we, like the new Google building right now, we're like building all their offices and stuff there. Wow. All right. And you're just clawed hopping around with your ankle bracelet. You guys, they're doing a good job. I mean, it doesn't like hold me back. And then those horrendous pants that you're wearing.

Let's talk about it. Is this in case you accidentally end up drinking and have to hide up to your waist and water or something? Like that is the dumbest camouflage I've ever seen. Is that David Lucas merch? All right. I don't know who that is. Ooh, red pants.

Larry Montgomery. I'm just glad you have extra hair ties in your pocketbook because you certainly effectively employ them. And what? Hair ties. Yeah. Oh, I know. Yeah.

Am I missing some? I was going for a messy look. That's one joke that didn't work. A very William Montgomery like trade is acknowledging a joke that doesn't work. I'm going to start screaming uncontrollably. Uh-oh. I love it. Do you talk with your parents ever, Victoria?

I just went camping with my mom. Whoa. Camping. Hell yeah. Like under a bridge? No. No. Hell yeah.

Does your mom wear an ankle necklace? No. She doesn't. Right. But no one judges me. I know. That's how you end up like that. That's exactly the problem.

Instead of your mom judged you a little bit more. How much did you drink the night that you got a DUI? Um, well, the morning. What? Well, I got, it's like midday. And I mean, I had just been drinking an assortment of crappy beverages. Buzz balls. It was a box of wine.

Oh, shit. And then she drove around to middle school. No. Not quite. Elementary school, I'm sorry. Will you say it instead of red band guessing? Yes. So I was in the bottom level of our parking garage at the apartment.

Literally bottom where we think that you would be. The bottom. Right. Waiting, I guess, trying to get back up without a pass. And so I passed out in the middle of the garage. Oh. Like blocking the garage. Oh, shit.

And so someone came. Your car was in drive during this? I guess so. But I guess I was like pressing on the brake. I don't know those logistics. I do know that. I do know that the guy got me out of my car, parked my car when the cops arrived. I was, my car was in park, not in drive.

And I was not inside of the driver's seat. Where were you? I was in the passenger seat. I mean, I was like, I could talk. And like. As if all that exonerates you. Well, I'm hoping to get it down to a misdemeanor. Okay.

Victoria, best of luck with everything. How long have you been doing stand up again? I mean, like invested in like coming here just like roughly two months ish. Two months ish. Yeah. You have three months, right? 90 days. Yeah.

Looks like you started a whole lot all around the same time. All right. There she goes. Victoria Evans, everybody. Did you get a joke book last time? You got one of these, right? You have one? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. She just shook the Montgomery's hands. Larry over here drinking Shinerbock. He could maybe she touches the ankle bracelet. Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the part of the show where we are about to have kill Tony history.

This is the first time ever, ever that a comedian has performed in front of his own parents who are guests on the show. This man has done more minutes on the show than any comedian ever. He's absolutely killing it. Opening for Joe Rogan. Coming on the road with me everywhere where I've been going on this most recent tour doing much longer sets. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine.

This is William Montgomery, the son of Larry and Francis. This is William Montgomery. First and foremost, Mom and Papa, I just want to say it was a real pleasure storming the Capitol with you all last year. We made it all the way inside the Capitol building. Good times. A whistleblower has come out against Google's new AI saying the computer program may be able to trick people into believing they're actually talking with a 15 year old girl.

Technology Red Band has been trying to perfect for years with the rubber sex lady he has in his closet. He's a pervert. Mama and Papa, I couldn't believe we actually made it into Nancy Pelosi's office. Remember how it was so much warmer in there than it was outside? It's real warm in there, I remember. This is one of those good news, bad news situations. The bad news is that just like what happened with baby formula, there's now a tampon shortage.

The good news is that after your baby starts to death, you can use the extra diapers as tampons. Papa, remember how surprisingly hard it was to hoist Mama over the barricades inside the Capitol? I remember at one point you were like, grab her legs, grab your legs, she's slipping. And I caught her, it was like 15 feet up. I was at a CVS the other day and while looking in the toothpaste, I also a toothpaste that claimed it takes 10 years off. Wait, it takes 10 years off what, my life? Ain't no way I'm getting that toothpaste. Okay.

Alright, there it is. Literally two minutes and five seconds for William Montgomery. I mean, this is kill Tony history. Making them part of it, the whole thing, you're such an artist, it's absolutely incredible. William Montgomery, Larry, what did you think of this unbelievable performance? I'm going to be perfectly objective and tell you that I was awestruck by his comedic talent. Wow. He's fucking around.

I can't believe the gator tail came out. Yeah, he used to really hit us with that thing. I should have used the bigger one because I love it. And Francis, you're a William Montgomery fan, correct? I am, I am. I tried a bit. What do you think about his performance here tonight? I thought he did a good job.

I remember one time being in the kitchen and I had some pads on my knees and my arms and you're like, what are you going to say tonight? And I said, I'm going to tell him I got in a bad rollerblading accident and hurt my arms. And I literally remember you just started crying. Not like in a good kind of cry. Well, I probably thought you really had. No, I don't think so. A memory sticks out.

Francis, was there anything weird that William did as a kid? Was he an odd boy at all? Do you remember anything about his childhood that sort of? When he was in high school, he was on the stage of his school on a skateboard with a, what are those things called? A sparkler. No, no. They couldn't have had a sparkler.

Fentanyl. No, it was a Roman candle. Shut the fuck up, Brad Van. You hadn't done anything all night. My sweet mom's fucking telling me. Let her tell this story. He's on stage. He had a stick that I helped him with with ribbons all off of it.

And he went skating down the aisle and skated around the stage and then you asked where he went to school. Why would you fucking tell that story? A stick with some ribbons coming out. Skating around. He did one of those ribbon things? Oh my God, that sounds hilarious. Is there a video of this? I used to take lessons.

He would dress up in this white tuxedo. Oh my God. It's his high school fault. They would let him get on the stage at the school and entertain the school. Here's two quick ones. Larry was ready for this question. One summer, he was a runner at my law firm and runner's deliver shit and file stuff. For the entire summer, the one thing he accomplished was creating an 18-story paperclip chain.

That was that. It literally, it was on the 18th floor. It reached to the bottom eventually. That's a true story. It took me the whole fucking summer. That's really a true story. It's this giant thing of paperclips. My firm, someone just yelled that William is a guy.

Get him out of here! Immediately after that summer, my firm put in place a strict nepotism policy. No more kids. Wow, really? Oh my God. Oh my God, you ruined it for everybody, William. An 18-story paperclip. Yeah, it was impressive.

It literally, it was, we were on the 18th floor. It reached to the bottom floor. Wow. The other thing they did was some nice person at my firm was writing a book. And William got into the computer system and erased the book. Oh my God. William, what the fuck? Why'd you do that?

Oh, I don't know. I have some bad shit coming back to me. Oh, I bet you got the Gator Tail. Good idea. Hey William, I bought your mom some beautiful flowers and I got her a present. Oh, I saw that so sweet. Thank you so much for getting the flower. He bought her a present.

She's going to open it now with William on this stage. You got to open the card first. Wait, she should open the card first. What's wrong with you? What kind of animal are you? Shut the fuck up! Don't call my mom an animal. All right.

Here, read what it says. I'll hold it for you if you want. Dear Mrs. Montgomery, the Kirkland family and I welcome you to Austin with open arms. Room 710. What the fuck is that supposed to mean, right? Oh my goodness. He bought Mrs. Montgomery an enema. Why would you do that?

It helps with constipation, Austin. Oh my goodness. He gave this to me because I gave him one first. Oh shit. And it's because we found out when William was a kid, she would give him enemas like almost every couple weeks. It was like once a week. You seem really passionate about this.

Did you ever give him an enema? How does a rumor like this start? It was an enema. He used to put a thermometer in little William's innocent asshole. Doesn't everybody check their child's temperature through their anus three times a day? Yeah. Yeah, what's weird about that? Seriously, what's weird about that?

So you made up enema and told on them. My goodness. Did you ever think that you shoving a thermometer up William's ass continuously is the reason why he ended up, how he ended up? He was probably about three times. I don't even know how you remember it now. Yeah, three times a day. Papa was right.

It was like three times a day. Papa was right. And William did really pull us aside and say, no, it was an enema. I remember all those plastic tubes in the trash can every day. Is this true, William? What the fuck are you bringing this up, right, man? You know this embarrasses me. You know I'm really horrified right now.

I told you never to fucking bring up the enema thing. Why would you later, my parents are on stage right now? I think we need to confront it again, I guess. Why would you fucking do this when my parents are on the stage with me right now, right, man? That's a real fucking coward thing to do. You're going to fucking pull that shit out when my fucking sweet parents are up here? You fucking bitch. I got her a coupon for a one free massage also from the Costco Kirkland Corporation.

One free massage. Get off the stage, Red Band. This is the first time William has ordered Red Band off the stage before it shows history. Wow. Photo ID required on this Costco one free massage. And in parentheses, it says LOL. I guess that's supposed to make it funny. What do you want her to read?

And he'd be like... Red Band, you're insane, dude. I love it. William, two different types of denim here tonight coming out. Yes. Gossip Blazin, parents are in town. How do you think your parents... Yep.

Yep. Do you have anything to say about that? How do you feel about your parents being the first ever non-comedian, non-musician, non-rac... You know, like, tell it... It's been wonderful to watch. I was pretty sure it was going to go well, but it was very fun to watch. You sweet poppy, you went after those fucking pieces of shit.

You were up here trying to do fucking. It was. I thought that was... It was... I think Francis was good cop and Larry was bad cop here. You could tell. I mean, you could tell. But it was great.

It was a lot of fun. I was pretty sure it would... Your mom is the first person to check anyone's butt temperature during the show. I don't know if she's caught it, but... Do you have a thermometer in your purse? No. You probably do. You really get mad about this butt temperature thing.

Say it into the microphone. You have to... It sounds horrible. So why'd you do it? Because that's what they told you to do. I promise. Are you sure? William's younger than...

I don't remember having a thermometer in my butthole. God, why did you bring this up right now? I don't remember. Holy shit. I don't think... I think they had the ones for the mouth. Did you ever take it out of his... No!

Because you were too little. You couldn't put it in your mouth then. Did you ever give him a little ATM thermometer check? Wipe it off. Ever check his mouth? You ever spray the enema against the thermometer and then put it in his mouth? All right. It's been so much fun.

It was very sweet. Now, you guys are all legends. How loud can this place get for the Montgomery's, huh? You were at the first ever episode with real human beings as the guest. Real, real people. Look at this. Look how cool that is. That's the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt.

It's in all the way from Los Angeles. All the prints of every single episode available. Be sure to check out William Montgomery's new cameo for a certain amount of money. He'll send you a message or make funny or say weird shit or yell at you or something. Make puppet shows out of his knees. Yeah, absolutely. And check out the William Montgomery show on YouTube. And how about one more time for the band, everybody?

The Struvall Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony Band. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Paul Deemer on the trumpet and trombone. And on bass and guitar, the Peterson brothers, everybody. Welcome, Deep Eddie Vodka into the Kill Tony family. And of course, Red Rose, Yellow Rose and the W Hotel, where now you can save 25% on everyone by saying the word Kill Tony

when you get there on a Sunday or Monday night. Thank you guys so much. We'll see you again next week. Good night, everybody. Thank you. And Miss Montgomery. Good night, everybody. Thank you.