KILL TONY - #565 - SHANE GILLIS + MARK NORMAND

Episode Date: July 9, 2022

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, Michael Lehrer, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni,, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/19/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band Company Alive from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up, go to TonyHinchCliff.com, Austin, Texas. So you ready to have the best goddamn July 4th of your lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. We've been doing this show for

nine years and one month together. Every single goddamn Monday of our lives and this is it. You're at it. Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, two amazing local companies. How about a hand for them and also of course Deep Eddie Vodka, the best vodka in the goddamn world made here in Austin, Texas. And how about a hand for the band, everybody? They are the real deal. That is indeed the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Mueling on guitar, Paul Deemer on the horns tonight, and of course the great D-Madness on the bass, everybody. We're

doing this shit, an action-packed show for you. Incredible stuff going on. Before we get it started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you, for free here right now. Hey y'all, indeed it is Tony Hinchcliffe here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me. Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th, Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th, and the 30th, Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August, and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return, September 29th, 30th, and

October 1st. Tickets available, TonyHinchCliffe.com, and we'll see you out there. If you watch this show on a regular basis or are just a fan of stand-up comedy at all, you know how deeply mental health is affecting every aspect of the show of comedy. I mean, from literally one of the greatest comedians of all time, Brodie Stevens, to some of your favorite comedic actors, Robin Williams, all the way down to us, sometimes waking up groggy or hungover on a dark, rainy day. When it comes to therapy and psychiatry, getting the help you need has never been so simple. When you're able to access your provider from the comfort of your device,

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Boy oh boy, you guys came to a fucking good one tonight in action packed show and this is the return of a couple of my favorite comedians on Planet Earth all the way from New York City. Make some noise for my friends, Luis J. Gomez and Aaron Berg. Wow. Wow. From New York City, absolutely. Luis J. Gomez, one of the founding members of the Legion of Skanks, the real last podcast. Aaron Berg and him are on tour. The offend everyone tour is

going on everywhere. Get tickets at lewisofskanks.com. Welcome guys. Thank you. This is Aaron Berg's first time here on the show. I'm very excited. Very excited. Look at how happy these people are. This poor guy doesn't even know where he is. And the great Luis J. Gomez is back everybody. Puerto Rican rattlesnake. Fuck you. Fuck you, Austin. You make me sick. The caramelized onion. I don't know why. Every time I come up here, I look out in the face of this crowd and they just make me angry for some reason. I'm going to take it out on all these people in the bucket tonight.

What the fuck dude? Look how happy these migrant workers are. Yeah. This is quite the interesting table over here. I believe that's a considered a caravan, I do believe that. El Salvador, perhaps. We're going to have fun here tonight. Luis, you've done this show a thousand times. We'll be famously have done every skank fest. We do this damn thing every time you're in town. Always a blast to have my New York brothers out here. You guys know how it works. A bunch of comedians do 60 second long sets uninterrupted. You know their time is up in here, the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood

bear, which is really just a loud annoying noise that cuts them off from talking any longer if they go over their time. You guys get it? After that, I interview them and we make jokes and figure out more about what makes that person interesting that we pull out of a random ass bucket. You guys get it? You see how the show works? You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? I really think you guys can do better than that. Are you guys ready to fucking do this shit tonight? There you go. Let it out. Let it out. Get more drinks. We're in for a fucking crazy show tonight. A lot of special guests are here. A lot of special treats, but we're going to start it. The best way we know how with the most consistent fucking killer. I mean, this guy, I was just with

him. We did 19,000 people at the MGM garden arena on Friday night. The center of the arena in the round. This guy went out and got the fucking thing kick started. It's the one and only Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. What's up? If you couldn't tell, I'm single again. I'm back to liking Instagram posts. I learned through Instagram stories that I'll start anything for 15 seconds as long as a hot girl told me to. I was in Las Vegas. I was hanging out with an Instagram thought like I do from the requests and she took forever to get ready. I was like,

just because we're in the Mandalay Bay doesn't mean you have to be a Mandalay Bay. Oh shit. Okay. I'm an arena comic. Please relax. You know what really makes me sick is all these old unfuckable losers making laws about how young sexy people like myself can fuck. I can't wait to be that old again or old for the first time. So I can make it illegal to have sex better than me. Missionary only and don't use your hips. That's illegal. All right. That's my time. Thank you. Hans Kemp has arrived. What a way to get the show started. Some real good energy there at the top

and then a good finish there at the end. But I mean, I think we all remember that Mandalay Bay part really more than anything really stood out there. What were you trying to do there? A little Mandalay Bay pun. At least you gave it a shot. But you're saying like she's a bay? Man to lay a bay that delays men like a Mandalay Bay. We all got it at the same time there. That's how you should do it. Start the joke over. Do it like that. Like a Mandalay Bay. Come on. Let's hear it. Let's see if it works this time. I was hanging out. She took forever to get ready. I was like just going to the Mandalay Bay doesn't mean you have to be a Mandalay Bay. Wow. Look at that. Where's the fireworks? Give me some fireworks there.

I need fireworks so badly. You can't find them? No. Because I think they're only clapping because if we heard that at a real show, no one would be happy. No shit. Right, man. Welcome to another episode. I was trying to play the cricket song. You messed me up. Very good. Okay. Those are the best jokes when you get to explain them and then repeat them. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. He's the absolute best over here. Dressed like an Asian John Wick tonight. I love it. Wait. Do you normally dress like this? No. This is my first or second time. Second time. You just went and this is a new thing. You're like, I'm going to wear a fucking dope suit. Yeah. Right. Is it the same suit that Joe Rogan bought you? Yes. Yeah. He literally wore it Friday night,

Saturday night. Did you wear it last night? No. No, you took a night off. Yeah, I took a night off. Tony, I heard some rumors that he acted up a little this week. He had a very, his ego has arrived, everyone. The young boy has done a few arenas now and he's getting a little bit chippy choppy or something like that. Showing up late to the car. He forgot his suit at one point. So he had to run back. Literally, he's holding up an entire two SUVs of a high level. I mean, we have a police motorcade and everything and everybody's like, we're just waiting for Hans. That's so weird that an Asian guy is horrible with laundry. He's wild. Too soon. Sorry. His cleaning is drier than his jokes. I love it, Hans. Very, very good. Wait, are we not allowed to be racist against Asians

in this crowd? No, you are. Come on. Awesome. Look, the Mexicans love it. Absolutely. Here, watch. I got one. I got one. Not only is he dressed like a reservoir dog, he'd also eat one. Thank you. Starting in the new movie, Men in the Brack. Wow. Galaxy Defender. I love it, Hans Kim. So you were in Vegas all weekend. It was the weekend of your life, right? Yes. Best weekend you've ever had in your life. Uh-huh. Right. And you're walking around in a $3,000 suit that you cannot take off. What else? What are some other highlights of the weekend? I bought my black roommate watermelons and she refused them. Whoa. Wait, why'd you say it like that? Because I forgot. It was an accident. I was like, she likes

fruit. She was like, get me fruit. So I was like, who doesn't love watermelon? And then it turned into this whole thing. You plural. You said watermelons the first time you said it. Yeah. Which, by the way, I don't think anybody has ever had multiple watermelons at the same time. How many watermelons did you give your roommate? It was all chopped up. So they were individual. Did you do it with your hands? Level two. He did it with his bare hands. Stupid. Stupid. I have to do that joke every three weeks. It's automatic. So I love it. Watermelon. How much watermelon did you give your black roommate? Did you give her any other fruit at all whatsoever? No, it was just an HUB carton of watermelon. Wow. Did she bring, did she return the favor by giving you a box of rice perhaps or

something like that? Like some type of stereotype right back at you? She just refused it and you know, didn't buy anything. Speaking of stereotypes, we eat continuously, believe it or not, on these trips with Joe Rogan, who brings basically bags of meat along with him everywhere he goes. His name is Brian Redbin. Yeah. Old meat bag Redbin. Jesus Christ. Bag of meat Redbin. I love it. And Hans, before we went to lunch one of the days, walked across the street in Las Vegas about 110 degrees. This is the early afternoon. You know what, you remember what I'm getting at here? And he was wearing, what were you wearing? This. This suit. 110 degrees Las Vegas, Nevada. He has to walk all the way across an actual street, which if you know Vegas, you know, that's pretty weird

to like be out during the day, just walk crossing the street. And where were you going in that suit at about 1230 on Saturday afternoon? The local Panda Express. It's not me. It's him. That's racist against you, dude. I know. Look at my ego going to Panda Express. Yeah, absolutely. Writing Mandalay Bay jokes. I love it. It's very charming, Tony. He is, right? He's got a great set of teeth. Like it looks like Matt Dillon's teeth from something about Mary. He's got really big teeth and a big smile, even though his parents are probably so disappointed in him for not being a doctor. You know, looks really happy. They're happy that I was racist to my black roommate. So that's pretty Asian. Hans was misbehaving all

weekend. I had to stop him from his shadow boxing during the UFC fights. He got a little too excited and started shadow boxing in the corner. It was very, very awkward. Yeah, it was super weird. It was like I caught him. He was all by himself. Did you film it? And I'm like, no, I didn't film it. I literally go, Hans, what the fuck are you doing? And he's like, I'm shadow boxing. I'm excited. I'm like, stop immediately. It was actually Shadow Karate. Oh, okay. All right. There was a little delay. There was a Mandalay there in that laugh. It wasn't funny. Hans, you are a legend. It is absolutely incredible to get to watch you live your dreams here. I remember the last time that Lewis was on the show was one year and one month ago. It was our return episode of the little

couple week delay we went on in May of last year. And you came back singing the national anthem to start the episode. And one week later, I made you a full time regular. And here we are a year later and you have arenas, theaters and everything under your belt. You've taken the ball and you ran with it. And it still is in a $3,000 suit. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has the same tailor as Connor McGregor now. That is Hans Kemp. Thank you. So the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, this is where we get to all meet somebody together all at once. Make some noise for your first comedian out of the bucket tonight. They may have traveled from a far land. They may have been waiting months for this moment. Their name is Evan Suarzo to get tonight's show started.

Evan Suarzo. You guys excited to be here tonight? What's going on guys? Holy shit. So apparently, over the weekend, a guy in Cleveland, unfortunately got shot upwards of 90 times by the cops. And it's terrible, but the more I thought about it, I was like, if you're going to shoot him 90 times, you might as well make it 100. Because when you read the title on the news, it's like, cop shoot unarmed man 90 times. You're like, holy shit, that's a lot. Like that's terrible. But you read cop shoot unarmed man over 100 times. You're like, God,

damn, that's a lot of fucking, that's a lot of shots. Well, Evan Suarzo. I'll tell you, the guy that got shot 90 times by the cops died a faster death than you did up there tonight. There's no doubt about that. Oh my goodness. I wish somebody would shoot me 90 times right now. Please. Oh my goodness. Well, I know we love you too. Welcome Hack Hevron. How are you? I love it. Look at you. This is your first time to try and stand up? Yeah. Okay. Where are you from? What are you doing? What are we? I'm from the Virgin Islands. I just moved here like a month and a half ago. Virgin Islands, that checks out. Pretty rough life growing up right in the Virgin Islands. Right. You see how humor has gotten them through everything.

My father's yacht dealership giggles at these jokes. 90 times. Oh, they should have shot him more, 10 more. You're going places, gay face. I think it's time for you, son. It's time for you to go sign up for Kill Tony. Go to Austin. Daddy's bought you a two bedroom condo. Have fun and live this dream. We shall not wait any longer. Our mandalay has been long enough. Evan Suarzo. So let's talk about it. You're born and raised on the Virgin Islands your whole life? You've been there? Most of my life. I lived in New Orleans for a little while. Okay. What ethnicity are you? You look like if Hans Kim got plastic surgery or something like that. It's funny. I get

Don't tell me what's funny, you son of a bitch. Okay. No, so I'm half white, half Spanish. Half Spanish. My dad's from Honduras. Okay. So Virgin Islands, how old are you? 25. What do you do for work? I do videography and I had bartender. Oh, okay. The funniest bartender you know. Serving up those shots like a police officer. Exactly. He did one joke and the only joke was about some dude being shot to death 90 times. He was like, dude, this is going to be hilarious. No punchline. Just really sad news. Why do you read the paper like this with your hand? Why did the chicken cross the road because the polar ice caps are melting? It's just sad jokes. Knock knock who's there? Not an

abortion. Sad topical jokes with no punchlines. This could be your thing, dude. You could be the unfunny comedian. This is very exciting. This could be your fucking bread and butter dude. I love it. What else? Did you have any other second ideas for something to talk about? How many of you want to hear a second joke? I know I do. Let's hear it, dude. This could be the fucking one, especially with all this hype behind it and D madness has his ears plugged. I mean, this is just, you know, you know, you can get redemption right now. Let's hear the second joke. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, sponsored by Lululemon. Here he is, Evan Suarzo. So statistically, there are about

6,000 deaths. It's another joke about people dying. What the fuck? There's about 6,000 deaths every year from people slipping and falling in a shower. 5,000. 5,000 of those deaths are actually in prison because there's soap all over the floors. That's the joke. Holy shit. Hold on. Repeat that punchline one more time. Just the punchline. Just the end one more time. There's soap all over the floor. Very good. That's fucking horrible. Like, did you hear about those 5,000 prisoners that died? Hilarious. Evan, you're such a good boy. Time to go to Texas for you.

This Tony fellow knows nothing. You tell Anton to call me direct with my weird digit number in the Virgin Islands. Just dial plus 416659 and then the number. You tell him to tell the concierge to ring me directly. You're goddamn funny. That's why your mother and I never fuck. Evan, that's Suarzo. So what are your big life goals? Like, what's going on here? What's the plan? You're out there. You're bartending. You're 25. Do your parents have high expectations of you? What does your hunter and father do in the Virgin Islands? My dad died, actually. Do you have any good news at all? Actually, that's joke number three. I want the air horn. His dad died because he heard him do

stand-up comedy once before. He killed himself. How did your dad die? He killed it. Heart attack. Was it out of nowhere? Was it shocking? Yes, recently. In 2015. 2015, all right. So it wasn't because of the vaccination. That's good. 2015. And how about your mom? How's your mom doing? What's the story there? Well, Tony, Bunny, you should ask. She's a quadriplegic. My mom shot a black guy 90 times yesterday. She's a cop in Akron. Tell us something good about mama bear. Mom's good. Mom's good. She's retired. Any cancer scares or anything like that? Actually, yes, but you've got to take it care of. Wow. Look at that. Very good. Absolutely. Little skin cancer. No big deal.

Just a little nick. You know what I mean? Just the old touch of God right there. Okay, Evan, do you have any special skills or talents of any kind? None. So I don't know if this counts, but like I can throw like a piece of food really high up in the air and I can catch it. No fucking way. Are you serious? Yeah. Hey, I don't know if I can do it now. No, no, you're definitely fucking doing it now, buddy. I got bad news for you. This is kill Tony. Does anybody? Does anybody have a knife? Can I get a small food, please? It's got to be like, why is it food? Like what? You didn't say I haven't tried it with anything else. Can you do it with a little bottle of clear eyes?

Hey, what do we got over there? What is that? I'm not. Oh, a snack bag. Hello, lady. Okay, that's a security breach. I love it. Way to go. Security. It's so gross. What's that? Are those grapes? Yeah, bring them up here. Let's go. No, keep give me this. Give me a lot of lights. I don't know. Give me this. That's just frightening. That's disturbing. This lady brought a bag of cheese and olives. I love that we lock phones up, but this stays out somehow. Oh, come on in. Olives and cheese. Welcome. Anybody care for a charcuterie ziplock? Oh, yes. This is how they pack. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get a fucking, I know you hate jokes, but let me get one more in. This is how they pack a kid's

lunch in the Virgin Islands. Everybody says, eat your pepperoni and Gouda. No bread for you, gay face. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a man who's indeed said that his talent is being able to throw food way up in the air and catch it in his mouth. Ladies and gentlemen, can I get something for Evan Swarzo, everybody? Here we go. Give him another grape. Give him another one. Just give him one. Here he is giving it a shot here. Oh, your father would be so disappointed. Wow. Wow. My goodness gracious. We finally found your calling, Evan Swarzo. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Congratulations. Your first time ever doing

stand-up. How do you feel? I feel great. Okay, there you go. Evan Swarzo, take a little joke book. You earned it. You ready? Can you catch it in your mouth? If I throw it, ready? This will be historical if you nail this. I'm a good thrower, so don't fuck it up. Okay, a lot of arc. Ready? Here we go. Ah, damn it. Maybe next time. Evan Swarzo, everybody. There he goes. All right. Back to the bucket we go. It's time for Jeff Taylor, everyone. It is the Kill Tony appearance of Jeff Taylor. Straight out of the bucket. I do believe this is his first time. I normally remember a name if I see it. More than once. Here comes Jeff Taylor, everybody. Make some noise for Jeff, everyone.

60 seconds uninterrupted. What is up, Austin? Let's get it going. I had a girl tell me that cum tasted like uncooked ramen noodle. Very specific thing. This tells me a couple things, though. First off, I can surely afford this date. Secondly, secondly, if she does, in fact, like ramen noodle, I'm going to get my dick sucked. But I need to know, are we talking about with or without the seasoning packet? Because if your stuff is smelling or tasting like shrimp bouillon, fellas, you need to see a physician right now. No lie. Also, I have other questions like, am I ever going to wake up with my butt cheeks sewn together next to you? There are no illogical questions at this point, I don't think.

That, uh, good. No. 57, 58, 59. You hear that? Yes, sir. Jeff, did you allot for, like, laughter in that when you wrote it or something? And pause. When I got up here, like, went so much faster. You're goddamn right it did in it. Hell yeah, absolutely. Jeff, welcome. First time doing stand up? Yes, sir. Wow. Absolutely incredible. How old are you, Jeff?

42. 42. And what made you want to start here now tonight? Man, I've always kind of wanted to do it, and this show kind of pushed me over the edge. I found it a few months ago. Love it. Where are you from? Louisiana? No, Tyler, Texas. East. Tyler. Okay. Almost to Louisiana. How far from Louisiana? It takes me an hour to get to the boats. Wow. Okay. It did the good old boats. We know about that shit. What do you do for work, Jeff? What do you drive for a living? Very, very boring read and analyze legal documents all day, every day for 15 years.

You're the legal document guy where you're from? Well, I do it all over Texas. Yeah. Goddamn. Yeah. That's incredible, Jeff. 42. You have a family? What have you been doing? No, man. Not married. No kids. Divorced once. Never doing that shit again. Right. No, that goes. Right, right, right. Why don't you want to do divorce again? That rules.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Divorces are worth whatever the fuck they call us. That's for sure. Jeff, you're a very like a normal human being. This is interesting. I try. It's salt of the earth, this guy, for sure. The timing there, it really proves that old saying, time flies when 250 people aren't having fun. You're not lying. It goes fast. No, you were good though. I mean, considering that he's never done it before, I thought he I thought he was honestly like a 10 year road hack. That's what the energy.

I'll take that. Yeah, going up after Evan Suarzo, everybody seems like. I was praying that my name got drawn after that guy. Oh, shit. If you feel a grape hit the back of your head later, I'm telling you, you know who it is. Jeff, what have you been doing for fun for the last 42 years? Storming the Capitol. Yeah, that's the vibe I'm getting for sure.

Kissing on legal documents. You heard this Roe v. Wade thing. Man, traveled a lot. Used to take me all over the place, but not traveling. Hawaii. Ooh, Hawaii. Is that another? Yeah, yeah. Okay. What type of fun things did you do in Hawaii? Oh, God. I mean, we literally did everything possible. We went swimming. Very little of that.

We went to a Lueau. A lot of sightseeing. I'd skip the tours, D-Crab, wherever I go for the most part. I threw my ex-wife into a volcano. You've been single for a while now. Do you get out and date? Where do you find women at? How do you do this? Rarely anymore. Quarantine fit me like an old sneaker, man, so I hang out at home a lot. What a charming way to call yourself a loser.

I think this guy has a whole bunch of awesome sayings probably, you know, like, I just masturbate like a goldfish swimming upstream in a toilet. Once a night when I go to bed, that's it. That's it. When you live in Far East, Texas, that's all they do. Oh, yeah. That masturbate and eat crawfish. That's it. That's what I always say. Goddamn it. Bumper sticker. Fits like a glove of oil. You know what I mean? My own wife or new boyfriend's dick fits inside of her like a glove going on O.J. Simpson's hand

at the end of a trial. Wait, that didn't fit. That shit was bloodier than a guy that got shot 90 times. You know what I'm saying? Do you have any bumper stickers on your car? Not a single one, those are not. So you say that quarantine fit you like an old sneaker. What exactly do you mean by that? It was comfy, man. You enjoyed it. You were chilling at home? Yeah. Like I said, I've been traveling and running around so much for like a decade doing work. Right. And man, I got to stay home away from family for the decade and I was forced to stay home and hang out with them and decided I didn't hate them.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like if Tom Siger and Joe Rogan made a baby together? No, but I get that. Yep. There it is. No doubt about it. Jeff, have you ever gotten arrested before? Not once. Not once. Should have. I've gotten away from you. He's not a very spicy guy. I don't have. There's no like fucking depraved weird shit about him. He's too straightforward, dude. I don't know if you do comedy. You got to be a little fucked up to do comedy. What's a fucked up thing about you? Yeah, you seem like you would be a good neighbor. Yeah, I definitely am. Now, I mean, fucked up like I love the mushrooms. That's

about it. Oh, okay. I'll eat the shit out of mushrooms. I did the hell. Yeah, those mushrooms will kick in like a diamond rose. You know, I did 10 grams like three months ago. Whoa. What the fuck? My friend's nether hour just perked up in their seats over there. My friend's with fucking Louisiana jam band over there. You just made them hard as a rock. Oh, yeah. It was fucking wild. 10 grams of mushrooms. Are you by yourself at your place? No, I have a friend that stays with me. Oh, okay. And you guys ate mushrooms together? We do sometimes, but he will. How about the time you did 10 grams? I'm asking specifically about that. You're so low. Right. And so what happens? 20, 30 minutes goes by. You eat the mushrooms.

Where are you? What kicks in? What was the highlight travel legit traveling through the universe and some, I don't know, some tube laid down in bed blackout everything close eyes. I was literally traveling traveling through the universe and the universe was dying. It's spit me out as the last thing to save it outside of it. Wow. It's mushrooms guys. This should happen. My goodness. Jesus. All right. I know. It's weird. It's so funny how uninteresting mushroom stories are. We all got uncomfortable. Yeah. When you try to recant them. Yeah. Yeah. While this thing about your entire life, a fun fact about you or your family or your history, you once won a competition or a trophy or something. You did something. Yeah. A radio contest or something. Really good.

It's soccer when I was younger. This is what not so much soccer. I know. Yeah. This is what soccer players look like in East Texas. Everyone. This is I look like I ate the former soccer player I was. Yeah. For real. All right, Jeff, you are a real guy. You're like Larry the Wi-Fi guy or something like that. I'm not exactly sure, but congratulations again on your first time ever doing stand up comedy. You want to try to catch a little joke book in your mouth? I will, but let's try it. See, what's weird is I think Jeff will actually do this shit. Are you ready, Jeff? Open that thing up for me. Here we go. So close. Jeff Taylor, everybody. There we go. This might be the new thing. I might throw little

joke books in people's mouths from now on. So he's going to choke and die. All right. And now for these bucket pulls, enough of these first timers. Let's get a goddamn. We have a very special treat for you. The only golden ticket winner to ever win it here in Austin, Texas from Toronto, Canada. Literally the guy is mentally challenged and is about to decimate. Make some noise for Jared Nathan, everybody. I'm a result of love. Nope. Not incest. 152 year old man meet a 25 year old Slot hooked on prescription drugs. You get me.

I'm an abortion survivor. I'm so happy. My mom found out she was pregnant. She was too strong on drugs and made her own abortion. Drugs can park you up or drugs saved my life. Jared Nathan with a brand new minute that was absolutely fucking great. You did it again, you son of a bitch. You're absolutely on fire, which is something that you like to probably do. So things on fire. Yes. Yeah, you do like that, right? Yes. You remember when you first got to play with a lighter? I lost my eyebrows. Is that true? It can be. Okay,

Jared. Very good. Thank you. Great, great improvisational guru, Jared Nathan. Welcome back to the show. You did it again. Thank you. Another brand new minute. Tell Lewis Jay Gomez what's up with you? I'm one fucked up dude. Yeah. Yeah. Then I saw Jared last night. He did my depraved show and he fucking absolutely murdered a rabbit that he kept on petting. I lost him so sad I lost that rabbit. Jared, you're taking full advantage of this trip again to Austin, Texas. You're thriving here every time you come to visit. You're famously escaping Canada on a regular basis. Hey. Yep. That's right. Another letter that you never got on a report card. I love him and I saw him last night too and he's so Canadian. I mean, he's just,

he's a spitting image of Mike Myers and they really, you can see the Canadian sense of humor. It's great. Yeah. It's like maple syrup, super slow. Yeah. And I love the way he says, abortion. I think more people would get them if they were advertised like that. It actually took you so long to say the word abortion that in the time you wouldn't be allowed to get an abortion by the time that you got to the end of it. Jared Nathan, what you've been doing for fun? I heard a rumor that you went to the Red Rose last night. Is that true? There was a sighting of Jared Nathan at the Red Rose. Is there any truth to this? Might have been, might have been, might have been. Oh, you're afraid mom's watching right now. Allegedly Tony, allegedly.

Oh my goodness. So how long were you there? Tell us about your trip. I was just, I was there. You going off the mic for this one? I was there for the time. How long? Is the Red Rose a strip club I'm assuming? Yeah. Yeah. It's a very famous strip club here. What time did, what time did you get home last night? Around 12. Around 12? A long time. Really? How long were you there? Half an hour. Shut the fuck up. Half an hour. You're such a liar. I can't believe you're allowed. What are you afraid of right now? How much money did you spend at the strip club? Not a lot. What is going on right now? I've never seen you. Tony, it takes 15 minutes to come. To say come. I feel bad for whatever, I feel bad for whatever your safe word is, Jared.

I love it. Tony. Oh, okay. If you pull out a gun and shot Tony in the head right now, how fucking hilarious would that be? Is that a Team Jared shirt? I love it. I love it. Thank you. There you go. Thank you. Thank you so much. I have a question. Thank you. I needed something to clean my toilets with, so that's very exciting. He's so fucking funny. He doesn't fit into anything. Where does his career go being that funny? I think that the future is very, very bright for a guy like Jared Nathan. I think that all of these, I mean, I think that you have to look at the perks

of Netflix going woke, right? Yeah. Because they ran out of, they ran out of other woke comedians that were funny the second that it started. And literally, I think that eventually here they're going to have to have a board meeting and go, where do we go from here? What's the next level? We need someone more retarded than Hannah Gadsby. And they're going to be like, whoa, I got a guy more retarded than Hannah Gadsby and actually does jokes. Yeah. And funny. And more feminine. Yeah. Can you imagine people are going to think that their streaming service is skipping? God damn it. The Wi-Fi is going out. No, that's just another killer setup from Jared. Thank you. Jared's constantly buffering in life. Yeah. Yeah, I have problems doing therapy on Zoom for that

strange rhythm. My therapist does know if I'm stuttering or my computer is broken. Buffering. Buffering. Right. 100%. Very good. You definitely are the dial-up comedian, without a doubt. You are so consistent. It's absolutely incredible. Another brand new minute. You do it every single time you're on the show. You're so, so special in so many ways. We love you. There he is, Jared Nathan, everybody. All right. Back to the bucket we go. You've seen what it is. Two first timers ever so far tonight. That's incredible. Let's see what happens now as we all meet Alyssa Westerland, everybody. Alyssa Westerland. Can I get a Buffalo Trace? Oh yeah, another Buffalo Trace on the rocks. Buffalo Trace rocks.

I'm going to slide that right in there. So anyway, I don't wear bras. You're welcome. I don't wear bras. People think it's because I'm a feminist, right? But this is not about feminism. Okay. This is about social anxiety. I don't wear bras because I hate eye contact. I don't shave my armpits either. I don't shave my armpits because I'm busy, right? And I'm a ginger. Guys keep asking if they can see my bush. I call this the preview. So I was topless the other day and I learned that when you're topless, everywhere's a crosswalk. I don't tell people I'm a feminist. I just tell them I'm a cunt. And honestly, I don't believe in feminism anymore. I feel like it helped men more than it helped women,

you know? Because now I have to work and suck dick. I'm not doing both. Anyway, ladies, so what's the difference between three dicks and a joke? I can't take a joke. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Alyssa Westerland is here. Everybody's got to do something nowadays to stand out of the pile. It is incredible to me that Karatop has gone trans here. Oh my God. Karatop. Very, very exciting. Welcome to the show, Alyssa. How are you? This is your first time meeting here. First time, yeah. Where are you from? I am from Oregon House, California.

Oregon and now Northern California? Yeah, it's Northern California. Yeah, no doubt. The armpits, check out everybody. It's real. It's Oregon to California. Oregon House is actually in California. There's 1200 people there. Yeah. Okay. All right. And what do you do for a living? What type of witch's brew do you make or something like that? I used to grow weed and I've been doing Santa for a while and I basically have had a gazillion. I haven't had a real job in about a decade. So how do you make money? I grew weed for a long time. That actually used to make money. But how do you make money now? Now I'm curious. Stop avoiding the question. You obvious hooker.

Right. That's one of the ways. That's one of the ways. All right. You're on the high council of the itty bitty titty committee. No, I make jokes. Yeah, it's exactly, exactly. I won 2017. Look at that. I love how you shake it up and down. You're literally, you're all nipples. It's incredible. It's all nipples. You walk around topless sometimes? I do. I do. I drive that way. I walk around that way. It's legal in Austin, you guys. Pretty fucking dope. I know. There's children, you fucking heathen. Yeah. What about the children that look at your weird tits in a hair? The first thing they saw, it'll be fine. I know. Wow. Okay. So you seem like a very free spirit. What's your living situation like right now? What type of Subaru do you live in? I drive

a Prius and I live in an Airbnb that I rented for five months to see if I like more like a hair B and B. Am I right? Well, that's it's freaky. More like hair A and A. A cups. Come on. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. I'm slow. I call her boobs an AA meeting. See that? All right. They are very free. Those of you just listening to the podcast, they are ridiculously strangely small boobs that seems like if she had bigger boobs that they would just be hanging straight down, but they're not hanging. They're just small enough to not be hanging. Yeah. They're sort of sort of hanging. It's like Robin Williams. You know what I mean? Like it's like an accidental. All right. Anyway, Alyssa, let's talk about it. Yeah. So what else? What do you like to do for fun? Let's

find out about you. I like walking, but it's too fucking hot in Texas. Let's see. I like reading. I like cooking. Wow. You're just naming things that people like to do while you tell jokes. This is very exciting. No, I mean, what do I like to do? That's what I like to do. I dance every day. I write every day. I used to walk every day. What type of dancing do you do? Like, you know, just wild. I need music for it, you know, just to get my body. Really? Wow. All right. This is what the waiting room to hell is like, everybody. It's just, I knew it. Welcome to the dead rose, everyone. Would she marry Jared if he could get a green card out of it? Would you? No, I don't need a green card. No, he needs a green card. Canadian. Yeah. How much is

he paying? He needs a Canadian. I have a Canadian passport. I mean, I think, I don't know, my dad said not to do that for less than a million. So. Wow. Look at that. Your dad's got a high, high price on him. So, Alyssa, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Probably this. I mean, I was nervous as all hell, but I love it. What else scares me? Soap. Razors, braziers. I have shit in my legs. I wax my bush. I just don't do the pits. Why do you not do the pits? I think it's funny because they'll still fuck you. They don't actually can, you know? No, no, that's not true. I think a lot of us see that and go crazy person, crazy

person. Maybe that's why I do it. I've had men lick them. So, I don't believe that. Who are these people? I don't believe that. Is there a guy out there that would be willing to lick one of these armpits? Is there anyone? I find this impossible to believe. Wow. Look at this. Oh my goodness. This is one of those moments in Kill Tony history. I mean, absolutely incredible. God bless the security here again. It's all good. Again, he's just kidding. Don't mess with aid. Literally, thank you. This is the most interesting episode of Mythbusters I've ever seen in my entire life. By far. It's absolutely incredible. This is my brother. This can't happen. I can't. Absolutely frightening yet.

For some reason, I completely love it. Are you, is it okay? Do we have your permission to get your armpit slick? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. This show is fucking crazy, man. Oh my God. Oh my God. Why was his tongue already yellow? Yeah. That is incredible. My friend, what's your name, sir? Ian. Ian, and where are you from? Charlotte. What are you doing? You're just a fan of the show? Yeah, I'm just a fan of the show. I love it. Do you sign up tonight? I was thinking about it, but. Right. But you're like, nah, just if they need someone to lick an armpit or something. That's me. Is that something you like? Is that like a fetish thing of yours? You're like, you're not into crazy shit? First time I've actually licked. Wow. Look at that. Well,

just starts throwing up all over the stage. What do you do for work, Ian? I've been a delivery driver. Wow. What kind of delivery driver exactly are you? I deliver the package, of course. Whoa. Very, very good. I love it. You guys danced on the same beat there. That was weird. Dude, I hate you so much. I don't know why, but whatever's going on, your mustache, your fucking shirt, now your tongue. You really are. You really are. You look like a tourist. It's very interesting. I am a tourist. Are you excited to be here in Austin? Yes. Yes. Okay. What else do you have fun playing for your trip here? Just getting drug and fog and. Wait, what? What did you say? Get drug and fog and have a good time. Okay. I like your energy, my friend. Thank you

for coming up to lick an armpit. There goes Ian, everybody. Thank you. Alyssa Westerland, you have a good sense of humor. You're a good sport for playing along and coming up here. Thank you so much. Thank you. Here's a joke book. You want to try to catch it in your mouth? No? Okay, there you go. No bullshit there. That is a woman that does not want a joke book in her mouth. Rumor has it the joke books taste like uncooked ramen noodles. Okay. I have another special treat for us. You guys like special treats here tonight, right? It has been months since this man has been on the show. One of the most famous regulars in the history of the show, a man known for his incredible joke writing ability

and his ridiculous rose skills. This is the return of the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. I'm kind of mad they overturned Roe versus Wade. Yeah. Because if they weren't for Roe versus Wade, I would have 17 kids. So I'm glad they overturned that shit when I'm done nothing and bitches I don't give a fuck about. But even if they make abortions illegal, they still make coat hangers. What are you scared of? Or put a girl in a pickup truck and hit a whole bunch of speed bumps going 80 miles an hour. She was like, my stomach hurt. I'm like, yes.

Every girl that fuck with me get plan B whether she know it or not. You know what I'm saying? They do. I make that morning time plan B smoothie. She's like, oh my God, this is bitter. What's it in ginger? I'm like, yeah, bitches gonna clean you out real good. All right, man. Thank you. There it is. Another one of the great regulars of the show. Another brand new minute by the great David Lucas. Welcome back to Texas, my good friend. I've missed you. How are you? I've missed you too, bro. I've seen you shooting fireworks out of your asshole. Oh, come on. That motherfucker ass cheeks clenched a Roman candle. I was like, what the fuck? Oh my

goodness. You're already off and going. Here it is. What you got on? You love this. Of course, David is famously celebrating the fourth of July right now. Very exciting stuff. I love this camo that you're wearing. Is that supposed to hide the fact that you keep gaining weight? Damn, bitch. I actually dropped weight. You know, Rogan put us in this weight loss competition, but red man. Really? How's it going so far? Man, looks like you guys are tied at zero. Hey, I just want you to know, I think it's really funny. He thinks we're in the competition right now, but we haven't even started it. Well, so he's been losing all this weight and I've been getting milkshakes with all my burgers. Very, very smart plan of action, red man.

He's chugging milkshakes with all your burgers. By the way, I did see on your Instagram that you had a moldy burger for Wendy's. He took a picture of it and posted about it, thinking that perhaps Wendy's would send him a gift certificate or something. But the funniest thing of the picture, and sometimes when you make these posts in the middle of the night, I don't even know if you know what the hell you're doing. Oh, okay. It was an afternoon. It was breakfast. Very good, red man. It was a Dave's double. I love it. Dave's double, but a fun fact about the moldy burger that he got is he ate around the mold. He ate half the burger. No, I ate it. I ate this burger. I had like three big bites. Then I set it down and literally this size of green fuzzy mold on the

bottom of the burger. Red man. Absolutely incredible. I can't believe you brought Louis J. Gomez up in this. Why are you talking shit already, you bitch? Oh shit. Here we go. I'm not afraid of you. Louis J, you look like the strongest nigger in Abu Dhabi. Get your... Oh my goodness. That muffler look like he's coaching Armenian basketball team. Get your... Get your Jerusalem Harlem Globe. Try to look at that somebody. The fuck kind of jersey you got on. That muffler look like he bought a steady life or a house about you. Get your stupid... I don't even know what he's saying at this point. Fuck you. I'm just trying not to say the n-word right now. Chill. Chill, go, man. Don't say it. Don't fall for his traps. I know what he's doing.

He's too fast. This guy won MTV's Yo Mama before. This guy's fast as shit. Yeah, bro. Appreciate it, bro. You got a steroid fetish. Thanks, Patrice. Next meal. Oh, that's a good one. Hey, I see that stupid ass eye you got. It looked like you got lemon juice in it. Bigger. Muffler look like somebody squirting lime juice in his eye. You know what I like about you? You proved some BLs don't am. BLs don't am. Oh, look. Public school. He's out of breath just thinking about that joke. Louis J. Get your motherfucking ass out of here, bro. You look like a toenail fucker. I don't know what your buddy looked like. He looked like he killed deers and where the skin home. Get your American sniper looking at somebody. Let's go play Surviving the

Game, UB Iced Tea. You got Afghanistan saying that your box is right now. Oh my goodness. So fast. I'm gonna shot a camel for fun when he was over. And I'm gonna fucking sleep with a sleeping bag. I bet you got a camouflage sleeping bag. Oh, dear, you're a smelling ass. You're wearing it as a hoodie right now. Hey, Tony, you testified on the Amber Heard verse Johnny Debt trial. I didn't see anything. Johnny treated me so right. Holy fuck. I love Swap Marley. Hey, but guess what, Tony, man? I brought a special guest tonight. You know who I brought me tonight, bro? Did you bring? My motherfucking mama, man.

The real Mrs. Lucas is here. Oh, shit. It's about to go down, ladies and gentlemen. This is the first in the history of the show. Mrs. Lucas has arrived. Oh, my goodness. This is one of the best goddamn Tyler Perry movies I've ever seen in my entire life. This is absolutely incredible. You got anything for me? This is not the first time I've seen her on a pearl necklace. She does not like that, Louis. Hey, Louis, your mama gave her pussy to rub on a genie lamp. Oh, my goodness. Mrs. Lucas, how are you? Your son is literally bigger and better than ever. Ever since I took him under my wing, he's also wanted to go under my thigh and my breast. You took him under your wing and tried to eat it. Yeah. Yeah, he put Barbie. I took him under

my wing. He put barbecue sauce on it. See, that's a good answer. You're from beautiful Atlanta, Georgia, correct? Making. Making. Absolutely. Oh, goddamn. I love your style. I've heard this saying the apple falls far from the tree. What do you think about your son's weight? It's falling. It's falling. Yeah, absolutely. His blood pressure is rising. Also, if he has his rise, then mine's going up. Get all 227 on his ass. Is that the Atlanta area code? I have no idea. It was an old black show. That's actually the old black show. I was surprised he knew it. Okay, absolutely. So tell us something fun about David from when he was a child or something like that.

What's something that we should know? Go stab Tony in the face. When he was going to our daycare, and because his compression is bright, completion is growing up. You call that bright? Yeah, wait. Holy shit. I had to put my thumb because he thought he was white. Wow. He came home, he said, Mom, I hate to tell you this, but you black. And me and Grandma, we white. But do me a favor, don't tell G-Dad, he's black too now. That's hilarious. I love it. I like it more now. Very, very cool. And of course, Mr. Lucas is back in Macon holding it down.

What else is going on, Mrs. Lucas, in life? You excited to be here in Austin? Yes, I'm excited to be here. I just retired, made it 31st. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Wow. Heck yeah. I can't believe I can't believe they let you retire from being on the cover of a pancake bottle. What did you do for work? Tell us all. What did you do before you retired? I was a computer operator. July the 7th, I would be at my company 45 years. Wow. My goodness. That is incredible. You were a computer operator back when it was a typewriter. That's incredible.

Yeah. I've had the keypunch machines and all of that and decalators. I love it. How proud are you of David and his rise to fame? I mean, he's out here, he's selling out. I tried to get him to feature for me in a couple weeks, join a couple other of our friends who Tampa can't do it. He's already booked headlining weekends in Chicago and big cities. He's literally living the dream. I'm very proud of him with him going to college and everything. Oh, gosh. It wasn't a struggle. It was where I had to put his prior to before my priority, what I wanted in life. I continued to work with the computers and everything. And you put him through college. Really hard to do with that lunch bill.

Why you keep breaking these vending machines and taking all the foods out of them? You guys are absolutely adorable. I love, I'm a huge, huge fan of moms. I'm convinced that moms are a big, big fan of me. I love, love, love that you had the courage to come up here and hang out with us. And we love your son very much. And you're a badass. Thank you so much. How about Ann for David and Mrs. Lucas, everybody? Hey, how fun. Yeah, we'll skip it. It'll be good when we do it. All right, back to the. Oh, that was so sweet. Isn't that nice? It was adorable. It's fun to mix in a little sweetness every once in a while, right? All right, let's get mean again. Make some noise for your next comedian right out of the bucket, Justin O'Donnell, everyone.

Here he comes. Back to meeting strangers. Justin O'Donnell is here. One more time for Justin, everyone. Hey, how's it going, Austin? All right. I'm from McAllen, Texas. If you haven't heard of it, yeah, you know it. It's where every fucked up thing you ever heard about the border happens, you know, migrant caravans, Haitians getting whipped in the face, Esmikasa. And I'm hearing Austin and I like Austin, but I hate the slogan. Keep Austin weird. Austin's not fucking weird. Austin's quirky, right? Like, Austin's weird the way Zooey de Chanel is weird. You know, it's not weird like how a crackhead is weird. In fact, that's probably the weirdest thing about Austin, is how many Austinites can just walk past camps of crackheads on their way to drop three grand

in our artisanal pogo stick. Keep Austin weird. Why is Austin weird? Why are you weird, Austin? Because you had a pop up bar that looked like Mo's Tavern from The Simpsons. That's not fucking weird. Where I'm from, it's weird. We had a pop up zoo and there was only one animal in those cages and it was little Mexican children. Thank you. That's my time. Justin O'Donnell making fun of Mexican children while looking like a Mexican child. I am Mexican. You are Mexican. But your last name's O'Donnell. What happened? What happened? A leprechaun fuck that's cleaning lady? What happened here? I feel like nobody asked Patrice O'Neill that question. Why he's so dark. Right. Okay. I'm not actually. Patrice O'Neill was busy being so funny that we ignored it. Yeah. Fair enough.

Yeah. I never even really even thought about it that way. It's like saying Shaquille O'Neill. That's different. O'Donnell's different. I don't know. Okay. Welcome to... I'm actually not Irish. Justin, how long have you done stand-up comedy? It depends on how you count it. Either six months or eight months. Okay. Either one of those answers would have been fine. That's pretty wild. We'll just call it seven. Well, the thing is after I did my first open mic, I got in a bar fight and got my nose totally shattered. How did this happen? Tell us step by step how this happened. I kind of don't remember the whole thing. Damn. You got fucked up. Yeah. I had surgery. I was out for like two months. So out of what? Existence. I just like was like... From a broken nose? Yeah. I had to get

surgery. I went to Mexico and you know... You got it in Mexico? Yeah. Oh, shit. The best surgeons on earth. Yeah. Cheapest surgeons too. Right. Do you don't remember anything that happened from the night or how the fight happened? No, I do. The guy was like sexually harassing my friend and then I got to fight. You're just your friend? Yeah. What do you mean your friend? Oh, she's like a... She was a lady friend, but the guy... Is a what friend? Dude, that's awesome. A lady friend. You tried to defend your friend's honor and then you got the shit kicked out of you? Yeah. Yeah. That rules. Yeah. To be fair though, like I kept running at him and every time I would run at him the security would grab me and then that's when he would knock me in the... I lost the fight for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. No doubt about it. You went to Mexico for surgery. Yeah. So that... What did they do to fix your nose? What did you pick exactly? Flour or corn? All right. Look. We're going to put a little bit of guacamole right near the septum and then we're going to put some sauce on the side, a little bit of queso and some cream on. You're going to be good. His nose is half churro now. I, Emil El Nozo. I love it. So Justin O'Donnell, what do you do for work? I'm getting real magician energies out of you. Magician energy? Well, I came to Austin. I moved to Austin. I was supposed to start working at a bar but they've kind of like ghosted me. Why do you think they ghosted you? I don't know. They told me I got the job and then...

An entire bar ghosted you? Yeah. They can't move their location. Yeah. I haven't gone to see them yet. I just arrived yesterday. So I just moved in yesterday. Okay. You moved in yesterday from? From McAllen. McAllen. How far away is that? It's about 300 miles. Okay. And you drove, what, an F-150 or something to get here from there? It's a chopped up challenger. A chopped up challenger. No, it's just a regular challenge. We're talking about your nose or... Anyway, stupid. Okay. What's interesting about you, Justin? What do you do for fun? What are you good at? So, lately I've been watching a lot of YouTube documentaries on history and science. Like what? I guess that was the least interesting thing I could have said about myself. Yeah.

I don't know. I've just been watching a lot of stuff about history. What do you do for fun? You must have a hobby or something like that. Yeah, I read a lot. I write. None of these things are fun. Yeah. Well, I mean, I drink a lot. I go out and drink, but that's like the lamest answer I could have given, I think. Now, reading and writing is a lamest answer. You're right. Absolutely. And arithmetic. What type of drinking do you do? I don't know. I like Jameson a lot. I shoot Jameson. Very Irish of you. Yeah. Weirdly enough, I don't like tequila all that much. Interesting. When you're going to fuck up on tequila, do you get stupid? Ever since they gave it to him to put him out for his operation in Mexico.

They had me on a drip. You son of a bitch. So, you defended a friend that you were in the friend zone with. What's your love life like now? Has that changed at all? I mean, I kind of had to cut everybody off when I left. Any sort of like relationship-y things I had, I just, you know, done. Three hours away, you were like, you know what? I'm done with you forever. Trying to start new, you know? How do you think that's going to go for you? What's your plan of action? None. Are you on any of the dating apps or anything like that? I'll probably get on them. I did it in McAllen. Didn't really work out all that well. Right. Yeah. You got to match 75 miles away. That's exciting. All right. Trying to figure out what's going on with you here. Close.

What are you pointing your- Funnily enough, when I was on Tinder in McAllen, almost all my matches were from Mexico. Like 75% of them were from the other side. They were prostitutes. They were trying to get a green card or something. I know there's some angle that they were trying to work. So, you just moved here yesterday. What's your living situation looking like? I'm rooming with a couple people. I'm rooming with a buddy, another comedian buddy. He's also from McAllen. His name is Andreas. It's okay. You don't need to shout him out. He's not proud of this moment right now. He's like, oh my God, the most boring guy ever. Just said that we're besties. Another one that's going to put you in the friend zone immediately. Very, very interesting. No special skills or talents on

you or anything like that. Are you a good bartender? Depends on who you ask. Okay, they know. It's a hot no. Have some self-confidence, dude. You're bumming me out. Special skills or talents. Okay, well, here's a skill that I do have is I have never fallen like being completely vertical to being like completely horizontal. Like no matter how drunk I get, no matter how slippery the floor is, I've never fallen. You've never fallen all the way. No, yeah, like I've stumbled of fucking, you know, like, tucking a knee, but I've never. Like a cat. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. Holy shit. This is an incredible fun fact. Please don't like send someone to tackle me or something. No, no, we don't, we wouldn't do that.

We let you run to them and then the security holds you and then we're going to lay you down. Very, very interesting that you've never fallen before. You seem like you were dropped on your head all the time as a kid. And what happened when your nose was busted? Like, did you just stand there and go, ow? Oh, I was being held by the security. They tried to like throw me to the ground, but I kept getting out and kept running back at the guy. What a great skill. Yeah, it is. Incredible. Was the guy a big guy? Because you're not very big. Yeah, he's a big fat guy, dude. The guy that was sexually harassing your friend. What did he do to her that was sexually harassing? Was it like a groping? Did he say something? Yeah, he was like kind of caging her

up against the bar, wouldn't let her, wouldn't let her leave. She tried to like duck underneath him, wouldn't let her leave. Did he try to tell like the security first before you started to be Rambo? No, that would have been a good idea. I didn't do that. Right. And yeah, I paid the paid the price for that. Absolutely. Did the guy get away or did he get arrested for the fight? No, they were actually wanted to arrest me because apparently what he did wasn't a crime. But dude, you're such a dork, we want to arrest you. Yeah, kind of. They like laughed at me when I said she was sexually harassing her. That's McCallum PD for you, by the way. Fuck that place. Wow. So anyway, time out. So the story was from the cop's perspective,

he was talking to some chick and then you started hitting him and he defended himself. That yeah, that was their, their take, even though like they saw on the cameras that that wasn't true. They just, I don't know if the guy was like hooked up or something. Right. And did you think when you were doing this defending your friend who you guys were just platonic friends, did you think that maybe this will help you get laid by her? No, I did not think that at all. I don't believe you. The way you just moved your finger because you're like, well, I go on. I will say this when I was, when I was, when I was laid out for two months, I got offered the most like sympathy sex and coke that like I've ever been okay. Coke for your broken nose.

Yeah, what the fuck is up with that, dude? I was like, I can't do it. And my nose will fucking slide off my face. Right, right. Like, hey, we heard you got your arm cut off. Here's some heroin for you. How depressing. Yeah, it was not fun times. But you love cocaine. This is starting to make sense on why on why you are a bartender that's bad at your job and also seemingly has nothing interesting about them whatsoever. Fair enough. Yeah. Okay. I love it. Very good. Do you think you have a drug problem? No, I don't do coke all that much. I just, it's it. Yeah, exactly. All that much. It's a sometimes drug, you know, two days. Yeah, sometimes drug. Yeah, dude, just, just do something interesting. I don't know, dude, you're fucking, this whole

thing is bumming me out. I know, it's weird. Maybe he could like do something through his nose. Like, can you put a straw through your nose or something? I can't put anything through my nose anymore. Can you breathe through your nose? Yeah, actually, I can, I can breathe better through my nose now than before. Does it always smell like fajitas or something like that? Since you got it in Mexico? Only when I'm not doing coke, I guess. Wow. All right, Justin O'Donnell. Well, congratulations on being the newest resident to Austin, Texas. Congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. That goes, you want to try to catch a joke book in your mouth? All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it could hit his nose. And remember, he could also

fall for the first time in his life right now. Here we go. Oh, there you go. Justin O'Donnell, everyone. He didn't even pick it up. He's like, oh, he did. Yeah, no, he's got it. Can I get another buffalo trace? Another buffalo trace on the rocks for Lewis Jacob. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? It's a tricky one here, but we're going to try it anyway. Make some noise for Ike Graffordy, everyone. Ike Graffordy. Here he is. Make some noise for Ike Graffordy, everybody. Do you ever notice how black people be like incredibly warm and kind? I love those guys. Last week, I was fired from Panda Express for calling all the customers round I.

Has anyone here ever heard of the butterfly effect? Yeah, it's that thing where I give one of my homies butterfly kisses and it negatively affects our friendship. This one's for all the fellas in the house tonight, fellas. That girl you like, just ask her out. I mean, the worst thing she could possibly say is rape! Rape! That man raped me! Okay, but like, that's it. That's the worst. So just try to avoid that and you'll be good. But yeah, Ike Graffordy coming in, commanding the room, executing his jokes. Very well edited. Very well executed. This isn't your first rodeo. You've been doing this a little while. Only about three or four months. Three or four months. Look at you and Nacho. You have

like a background in acting or like theater. Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. All the way through. All the way through. I've done nude theater, dramatic acting, all sorts of stuff. I love it. I love it. I believe it. I believe it 100%. What do you do for work? I'm a freelancer, so I do like video editing, screenwriting, all sorts of stuff. Very cool. And you live here in Austin. Orlando. Oh, Orlando. Look at that. A magical, magical place. And you do freelance work in Orlando and you still live there. Yes. You love it. Why do you stay there? That's, I have family there, so that's just where I am currently. Right. Right. And what do you do for fun in Orlando? I like a good electric scooter. I recently tried to make a foray into electric skateboarding

and I absolutely ate it on my first attempt. You ate the skateboard? I ate the skateboard. Jesus Christ, you're fat. Holy shit, dude. It's one of the Amoeba brand. I gained like 30 pounds, so it's quite dense. The comedian before you has never fallen before in his entire life. Yeah, yeah, until recently. I love it. Yeah, exactly. What else about you? Tell us more. I find you very, very interesting. He's got a good confidence. I thought of a couple fun facts before I came up here. I thought you might ask this. I love that. Thank you. And I could only think of a couple. I love it. I was once kicked in the head by a horse. Oh, yeah. Oh my goodness gracious. And then I was in the same hospital as Tupac when he died.

He died. Right. And I think it's safe to say his soul went into me, Tony. Wow. Yeah. As you can tell, it's pretty clear. Oh, did his thing, there's a thing, because you said it Tony in the beginning, you're like, dude, he's obviously got some chops. There's a confidence to the way that he speaks and performs that I'm a little bit wary of. I don't know what's going on here. It's almost a little too confident. I don't like it. That Tupac energy. Your theater training. It's Tupac coming through, baby. That's all it is. That California love. Yeah. Very. The red hot chili peppers. Okay. I know it was one of those guys. Very Paul Giamatti type vibe to

him. You know, the face sideways. Yeah. Paul Giafatti, perhaps. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta see if that's I love Twitter. What's your love life like? I'm sorry. I'm married to my high school sweetheart. Oh, look at that. Yeah. Nice guy. Yeah. He's a great fella. We love kayaking. That's great. No kids or anything like that. Not yet, but maybe soon. Okay. And it's your high school sweetheart. So is it the only person you've ever been with? There was one other person in high school, but that's it. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. And you were in high school at the same time? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very good. It wasn't like last week or anything. Right. Yeah. I promise you. I swear to God. Just one other relationship. I don't care what any witnesses say. Right.

You have a pair of binoculars? I sure would like one one day. So if anyone has an extra one, they want to lend me please. Do you have any fun hobbies or anything like that? Other than electric scootering. We get it. Fat people love electric scooters. It's the only way to get around Tony. I get winded after two blocks. I can't go very far. It is incredible. It boggles my mind that I see you should see me zip around sixth street. It's impressive. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You can get a day pass for like 13 bucks. It's awesome. Yeah. I can actually see you zipping around sixth street from my high rise apartment here downtown. Yeah. I'm like, what is that? Is that? I thought this one's for you, Tony.

And I was going like eight miles an hour. Did someone roll a cannonball down the street? Or is that Ike Rafferty? Ike, I like your style, man. I hope you come back. Sign up again. Give us another minute sometime. Ike Rafferty, everybody. You get a big joke book, my friend. Catch it in my mouth. You want to try? I want to catch it in my mouth, Tony. Here we go. Oh, that's the best, best attempt of the day. Man, if he would have caught it in his mouth, that would have been magical. You guys have had two regulars and one golden ticket winner. I have another amazing surprise for you. One of the most famous comedians in the history of the show is here tonight. She flew in all the way from San Francisco for this. This is the return

of Nicole Tran, everybody. The big one tonight. Big one for the long time listeners. Guys, you got to make noise. This is a legend of Kill Tony, Nicole Tran. Good evening, everyone. This is my 10th appearance on the Kill Tony podcast. Imagine how much money you cost me, Tony. My mother has a nickname for you, Tony. She calls you No Money. My cousin Bing Bing say hello to you, man. Now, my cousin Bing Bing wants to marry the president of the Philippines, Bong Bong Marquez. The wedding night is going to be Bing Bong, Bing Bong, Bing Bing Bong Bong.

My cousin Bing Bing should have been charged with a Mr. Miner. The longer she goes without a Mr, the Miner she gets. To beat inflation, I opened five checking accounts. If one bows, I use another one. If that one bows, I bow again. Eventually, I'm bowing more than Dolly Parton on the trampoline. In Japan, cookie teeth is a beauty standard. In Vietnam, they like buck teeth. In Alabama, the preference is no teeth at all. She joke for you all. That's it for me. Nicole Tran has done it again, everybody. There's a lot to cover there. I'm not exactly sure where to begin. You really have a cousin named

Bing Bing? Yes, cousin Bing Bing means she lies about her age for this count, man. If she goes to the movies, she says she's 12 years old. If she goes to the museums, she says she's 65. If she goes on a date with a hot guy, she says M-36, 24, and 36. But when he shows up, he finds out she really 32, 36, and 44. Holy shit. I think I just won the Chinese lottery or something like that. I'm not exactly sure what just happened. But I think we just hit. I love it. It's like Chinese street jokes. These are amazing. One man give a COVID to peaking duck. Everybody die. Next day, people wear masks. I love the shoulder swivel. This chick. I don't. This is the most Asian looking black woman I've ever seen. It's incredible. She is a legend. She goes to her hairstylist and asks for the Darth Vader helmet.

It's very good. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm everywhere, everything all at once. Absolutely. You are a special treat, Nicole Tran. We love you here. That is a baller-ass necklace you have on tonight. It looks like some type of like a centerpiece for a dining room table or something like that. It's a $10 next last man at a trip store. Wow. She stole it off a front door, Thanksgiving. I take donations, man, from Goodwill. Oh, shit. You keep this up. I'm going to call Bing Bing on you right now. Nicole, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you? Tell me more about you. How's it going out there in San Francisco? Oh, in San Francisco. It's pretty cool here, man, comparing here. When I came here, it's so hard, man. And I went to visit the Austin

Zoo. Oh, yeah. I went to the zoo to get the leopard print bikini, but they only have my size in rhino. Oh, you snuck another one in there. Look at you. That was a joke. You snuck a zoo. She went to the zoo and the animals tried to start feeding her. I love it. Nicole, what else is going on in life? Do you have anything else special happening? We know that you've been doing stand-up now for how long? I've been doing it for seven years. Seven years. Absolutely. And it's your primary source of income. Is that right? Yeah, I'm trying to do it full time now. I also have a Jew run entertaining job. A what? Jew run entertaining job. Jew run. They all are Tony. I have an accent, man. What type of children's entertainment are you doing? I create shows for them. I create bubble solution.

Bumble solution show like bubble. Bubbles. Bubble solutions. A butthole solution show. I like it. Sign me up. Butthole solutions? Bubbles. Yeah. If you want bubbles, she just solves the problem. Bubbles. Oh my goodness. Okay. So there's a bunch of bubble machines. Okay. All right. I get it now. Man. It's like 98%. Sure. She was saying butthole solutions. That's incredible. Bumble. Yeah. Bumble solutions. That's what I heard. I have to create jokes for the children to entertain the children to make them laugh, man. It's like the last joke that I did for the children. We have a parrot. He's always talk. What? That means Paulie wants a rice cracker. That's the joke I do on the time. To make children laugh.

Wow. To get money, man. Wow. Because you know money. So I need to get money from the children of Bethlehem. This is the- Dude, I would rather have a trainee read to my child than have her entertain him. Unquestionably. It's taking me so much energy to not go on another Asian racist high grade right now. This is incredible. Really, I've learned. I've grown from my mistakes in the past. Nicole, on this very, very special Independence Day of America, the greatest country on planet earth, I do believe you have something prepared that you wanted to do here. Is that correct? Sure. Absolutely. On this piece of paper here, you got- Is that yours? Yeah. I love to sing the national anthem for you. Ladies and gentlemen, singing the national anthem from behind a giant

piece of paper. Yoni, you might want to change your angle of attack there. This might be one of the- Would have discounted, but show respect. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the worst English speakers in the history of the show attempting to sing the national anthem on this, our birthday of America, July 4th, here in Austin, Texas. Why lies last glimming Whose broad stride and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the rampa we watched Were so gallantly streaming Little bit faster, Nicole And the rocket's red glare And the bombs bursting in air

Gave proof to the night That our flag was still there Everybody Oh Wow Absolutely incredible. What a performance. Unbelievably executed. One of my favorite versions of the national anthem that I've ever heard in my entire life. She flew all the way from San Francisco for this. Make some noise for Nicole Tran, everybody. We love you, Nicole. Thank you so much, Austin, for welcoming me here,

especially thanks to the Vulcan Gas Company. Please connect with me on Instagram, Nikon Tran comedy, N-I-C-O-L-E-T-I-N comedy. And by the way, I don't have a green car, so please do not tell anybody that you saw me here tonight. Okay, here she goes, Nicole Tran, everyone. One of the greatest national anthems. The rocket reggae, the bomb bursting in air. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the longest standing regular in the history of the show. The man that has accomplished more than anyone ever, the most new minutes in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only, the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, William Montgomery.

This is it, everyone. How's it going? My name is William Montgomery, and I'm running for County Alderman. It's been a long time coming, but I can pinpoint the day I realized I wanted to be a politician. We had this mud pit in the backyard, and since I was the youngest, my parents would make me get in the mud pit before everyone else to scare away the snakes. One day, I'd gotten into the mud pit to scare away the snakes, and a big water moccasin slithered right up to me. I was terrified. It was right in front of my face, and my daddy yells, get the hell out of its way. It's going to bite you, but I just stood there, stone face, and I made a promise to the snake that day,

and you know what that snake did? It slithered away. Old stone face. That's my nickname ever since. Old stone face. If I'm elected to County Alderman, I will stare down every snake, every frog, and every lizard in our great community. USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! black Alright I've got some policies. I'd like to go over. Have you all been able to figure this out yet? Is it Santa or your parents? I'm sick of this puzzle. I have to try and figure out every December 25th. And if we're on the subject of Christmas, am I the only one totally shocked we

still see frosty the snowman on television around Christmas time? Let me see if I've got this right! A group of kids finds a magical top hat and puts on a snowman causing the snowman to reanimate. Wait, where am I right now? Hell or the Twilight Zone? Get frosty the snowman off my TV! We're in America, not the North Pole! If I'm elected county alderman there will be no mention of frosty the snowman after 2024! Okay I've got like 15 more of these Tony. Okay. If we're on the topic of holidays my policy regarding Halloween is pretty straightforward.

Growing up you know the one day I couldn't go outside Tony? Halloween. You know why? I was the youngest so my mom wouldn't let me go out with my brothers and more importantly I was scared to death. I wasn't trying to walk around outside with a bunch of demons and vampires. If I'm elected county alderman you can rest assured we're getting rid of Halloween once and for all. Enough beating around the bush on this issue! I mean where am I America? Are the gates to hell? Speaking of giving our political prisoners back, hey Germany I'm looking at you! Tony do you know how many American prisoners of war we still have over in Germany since our involvement in World War II? I don't know either I was asking you. Okay let's go on to the

next policy. Okay ma'am I'm gonna ask you this what do you think is currently the biggest issue facing our community? What's the biggest issue facing our community? You're right it is that we still have elementary schools to stop at the sixth grade! If I'm elected county alderman elementary schools will stop at the twelfth grade! I have more but I think we should hear all of them. I'm running for county fucking alderman! In Lewis Jay just for the record I do like Puerto Ricans. Okay when was the last time you heard about a Japanese person with a bad back Tony? Well if I'm elected county alderman every new home in our community will be pre-installed

with traditional Japanese short leg tables. Studies have shown that by sitting down to eat in the Japanese manner it strengthens our back. By 2024 I want all newly built houses to have the chabu-dai pre-installed. That's the name of the table it's called a chabu-dai in case y'all didn't realize the little Japanese tables are called chabu-dais. If you ask my opponent about all this you know what he'll tell you Tony that he doesn't like Japanese people. I think we're trying to move forward sir not backwards just because his wife cheated on him with the Japanese guy doesn't give my opponent the right to take his hate speech out of the internet forums and into our community. Okay let's get to the next one. Yeah there's more. Is it a good is it a better one

than the last one? I don't know we'll see they've all been pretty screwy. Here we go. And Tony if we're talking about hate speech in the internet forums you know what yeah let's keep it in the internet forums. Is that so hard? My opponent actually is the administrator for a forum. You know what they talk about in the forum he runs Tony? What? Japanese people. You know what they say about Japanese people Tony? That they don't take as big of creative risks as American people? No that a lot of Japanese people these days don't use the traditional short leg tables anymore which is a patently false statement because I live with a Japanese person and we eat at the Chabu-Dai every night.

Okay that's the end of my policy. Literally six minutes and 25 seconds of William Montgomery. We love him so much. We could never cut him off short. Wow I've never seen you this sweaty before in the history of your performing on the show this is incredible you look like a righteous gemstone that just fell into a river. Tony I actually smeared my head with Vaseline tonight so I don't know what I'm gonna do before I go to sleep I guess I need to remember to jump in the shower there's literally Vaseline all over my fucking head right now. William you look like hell women see Louis CK. That's a good thing right? That's a good thing right? It is true you somehow look like all the characters in the Big Lebowski mush together

it's like fear and loathing in Austin Texas right here. I like the commitment to the bit I've never seen him before and this guy went balls deep on this bit. I mean true commitment is rolling with something that just simply isn't working at all. Yeah I was a little horrified at the very beginning I was a little horrified. Louis I have to ask you why did you not invite me to fucking Skankfest in Vegas? William I cover can I say something right now? You have a fucking open invite to every Skankfest for the rest of fucking history piece of shit. Oh really? Yeah you never answered me. Stop your fucking games you're coming to Skankfest Vegas. Wow. Doesn't fucking matter. Okay. I love you. Okay I love you too it's nice to fucking see you again dude. Stop these fucking

games. Hey! Let me see what you got under there bro. He's about to pull out the little red machine. We'll see how much he can commit. This is a bad idea. My thing's gonna pop out. Now we saw the moment he stops committing. Come here pussy. If you want to if you want to see his bush you could just look at the ladies armpits from before. Okay we're not doing that. Louis what's the game plan on this one? I'm gonna whip your freckly cock out right now in front of everybody in Austin Texas. I'm fucking sweating so hard right now. It is absolutely incredible he is dripping sweat everywhere. Tony is that the same suit company that you guys see in Hans and Joe Rogan? I don't think so. I don't think we got them from the Undertaker. I got this from Goodwill

yesterday and what the fuck does that mean red man you dumbass? Why the fuck would you ask me that? Obviously William. Fresh off of a day. The funeral home working hard. Where did you get that suit from William? I got it from Goodwill yesterday. You really did? Yeah. Oh my goodness and you found one that fits. How about this is a whole new look for you. A whole new look is $40. Wow absolutely incredible. 40 fucking dollars for this fucking nightmare of a set tonight. I paid 40 fucking bucks to make a fool of myself up here tonight. In front of Louis J my man who never responded to me. The sweat is overwhelming. The sweat is overwhelming. Did you do something different with your diet this week William? Yeah I actually literally dripping off of his eyebrows onto the

glasses onto the lower part of his face. We have we watch him every week. We've never seen anything like this before. I don't literally maybe days away from a massive heart attack. I actually started doing cocaine again. Why the fuck are people cheering for that? That would be very bad. They think you're going to die here tonight. Is that why people were cheering? Yeah it's almost frightening how much you sweat. Oh my god look at that drop coming out. I feel it. Did you see that? That's insane. It's literally like a fucking it looks like Niagara Falls up there or something. My whole body is sweating like that. What did you do differently this week? You are definitely your body is trying to tell you something. He's wearing a three piece suit and 100 degree weather. It

literally looks like in like those old SNL sketches when they would do like when they would have like a tube running off the top of their head like overly obnoxiously sweating but this is all natural. This is real. What did you do this week? Tell us the truth. Oh man. Do you really want to know? Yeah. You really want to know? Yeah how many you want to know what he did this week? You'll really want to fucking know what I started doing differently this week. I started playing hopscotch. Yeah I've been sweating a whole shit ton playing hopscotch. Have you ever played that? It's like a playgrounds game. Yeah. Playgrounds game. The more we mentioned your sweat the more it makes you sweat right? Yeah I'm literally horrified this that was a night

here tonight. I spent so much time on it. It was a horrible disaster and now I literally can't stop sweating. I think it's because of the Vaseline I put on my fucking head. I thought that'd be funny putting Vaseline on my fucking head but it's just making me uncontrollably sweat. There are droplets of sweat flowing down his forehead and I taste it. It's all in my mouth. It tastes like Vaseline in my fucking mouth right now. All he has to do to look... After a horrible fucking set now all I can fucking taste is Vaseline in my fucking... You want to get the flavor out of your mouth? Can I throw grape in your mouth? We haven't made it in anybody's mouth tonight. It's a little bit too much here. I got it. I got it.

Oh. William open your mouth. Don't throw it hard. Red band. Oh my god. Oh Moe. Open it up. Over here. We have to be able to do that. This isn't working. This isn't working. Hey. And I can't stop fucking sweating. This is making me sweat so much. Stop throwing it hard. Okay. This is what's in my eyes now. Okay. Hey. I can't do it.

William open your mouth. Okay. William. I can't do it. William keep trying. Don't stop playing music. Do not stop playing music. Yeah. Don't stop playing. William. We did it. Oh my god. You'll see that shit. Wow. Very good, sir. All right. We did it. We did it. The people love it. Did you guys have fun here tonight, huh? We are the number one live podcast in the world. Look out. Be ready for everything. There is the

10-year anniversary of Kill Tony, June 2023. Coming soon. Big announcement on the way of where and how that's going to go down. It is going to be our, literally our biggest show of all time. The venue has been locked in. It's all happening. Who wants a bag of charcuterie out there? Anybody? There you go. How loud can this place get for the great Louis J Gomez and Aaron Berg? Catch them doing stand-up comedy on the offend everyone tour. Louisofskanks.com for tickets, Berg's base on the gas digital network. And of course, Legion of Skanks and the real ass podcast with these jokes, Sniper, Zack and Miko. Thank you, Louis. As always, thank you, Aaron. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. It is incredible. He draws

every episode, every prints available. RyanJEbelt.com. How about one more time for the band, everybody? Screwball, peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony band. This has been Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose and of course, Deep Eddie Vodka. And now also the Hotel Grand Duke where you can save 25% off by using the promo code Kill Tony when you come to visit on a Sunday or Monday night. The official Kill Tony after party starts now here, right where you're at. Thank you guys so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. you you