KILL TONY - #566 - LUIS J GOMEZ + AARON BERG

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

Luis J Gomez, Aaron Berg, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/04/2022 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link:  https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go

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here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up on Tony! Austin, Texas. Are you ready to have the best goddamn July 4th of your lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hey, everybody. We've been doing this show for nine years and one month together.

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And of course, the great D Madness on the bass, everybody. We're doing this shit. An action-packed show for you incredible stuff going on before we get it started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you for free here right now hey y'all indeed it is tony hinchcliffe here telling you that i am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me. Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th. Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th, and the 30th. Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August, and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long-awaited

return September 29th, 30th, and October 1st. Tickets available at TonyHinchcliffe.com, 30th and October 1st. Tickets available at TonyHinchcliffe.com and we'll see you out there. If you watch this show on a regular basis or are just a fan of stand-up comedy at all, you know how deeply mental health is affecting every aspect of the show, of comedy. I mean, from literally one of the greatest comedians of all time, Brody Stevens, to some of your favorite comedic actors, Robin Williams, all the way down to us, sometimes waking up groggy or hungover on a dark, rainy day. When it comes to therapy and psychiatry, getting the help you need has never been so simple. When you're able to access your provider from the comfort of your device, it means therapy can be on your schedule.

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Make sure to use the code Tony to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Tony and Talkspace.com. Hey, y'all. I don't know where you live, but here in Texas, hot diggity damn, I cannot believe Joe Rogan convinced us to move here. I mean, the place is beautiful, booming economy, the new comedy capital of the world. However, I swear to God, it feels like it's 140 degrees every single day outside. Literally today, a record setting day here, temperature wise in Austin, Texas. The hot

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You guys came to a fucking good one tonight. An action-packed show. And this is the return of a couple of my favorite comedians on planet Earth, all the way from New York City. Make some noise for my friends, Luis J. Gomez and Aaron Berg. Wow. Wow. From New York City, absolutely.

Luis J. Gomez, one of the founding members of the Legion of Skanks, the Real Ass Podcast. Aaron Berg and him are on tour. The Offend Everyone Tour is going on everywhere. Get tickets at lewisofskanks.com. Welcome, guys. Thank you.

This is Aaron Berg's first time here on the show. I'm very excited. Very excited. Look at how happy these people are. This poor guy doesn't even know where he is. And the great Luis J. Gomez is back, everybody. Hi, guys. The Puerto Rican rattlesnake.

Fuck you. Fuck you, Austin. You make me sick. The caramelized onion. I don't know why. Every time I come up here, I look out in the faces of this crowd, and they just make me angry for some reason. I'm going to take it out on all these people in the bucket tonight. What the fuck, dude?

Look how happy these migrant workers are. Yeah. This is quite the interesting table over here. I believe that's considered a caravan, I do believe. El Salvador, perhaps.

We're going to have fun here tonight. Louis, you've done this show a thousand times. We famously have done every skank fest. We do this damn thing every time you're in town. Always a blast to have

my New York brothers out here. You guys know how it works. A bunch of comedians do 60 second long sets uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which is really just a loud annoying noise that cuts them

off from talking any longer if they go over their time. You guys get it? After that, I interview them and we make jokes and figure out more about what makes that person interesting that we pull out of a random ass bucket. You guys get it? You see how the show works? You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what, huh?

I really think you guys can do better than that. Are you guys ready to fucking do this shit tonight? There you go. Let it out. Let it out. Get more drinks. We're in for a fucking crazy show tonight. A lot of special guests are here.

A lot of special treats. But we're gonna start it the best way we know how with the most consistent fucking killer. I mean, this guy, I was just with him. We did 19,000 people at the MGM Garden Arena on Friday night.

The center of the arena. In the round, this guy went out and got the fucking thing kickstarted. It's the one and only Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. What's up? If you couldn't tell, I'm single again.

I'm back to liking Instagram posts. I learned through Instagram stories that I'll stare at anything for 15 seconds as long as a hot girl told me to. I was in Las Vegas. I was hanging out with an Instagram thot, like I do, from the requests. And she took forever to get ready.

I was like, just because we're in the Mandalay Bay doesn't mean you have to be a Mandalay Bay. Oh, shit. Okay. I'm an arena comic. Please relax. I, uh... You know what really makes me sick is all these old, unfuckable losers making

laws about how young, sexy people like myself can fuck. Okay? I can't wait to be that old again. Or old for the first time. So I can make it illegal to have sex better than me. Missionary only, and don't use your hips. That's illegal. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

Hans Kim has arrived. What a way to get the show started. Some real good energy there at the top, and then a good finish there at the end. But I mean, I think we all remember that Mandalay Bay part, really. More than anything, it really stood out there. What were you trying to do there?

A little Mandalay Bay pun. At least you gave it a shot. But you're saying like she's a bay? Like a bay. Mantulay? Like a bay that delays men. Like a Mandalay Bay. Oh!

We all got it at the same time there. That's how you should do it. Start the joke over. Do it like that. Like a Mandalay Bay. Come on, let's hear it. Let's see if it works this time. I was hanging out. She took forever to get ready. I was like, just going to the Mandalay Bay

doesn't mean you have to be a Mandalay Bay. Wow, look at that. Where's the fireworks? Give me some fireworks there. I need fireworks so badly. You can't find them? No. Because I think

they're only clapping because if they heard that at a real show, no one would fucking be happy. No shit, Redman. Welcome to another episode. I was trying to play the cricket song. You messed me up. Very good. Okay. Those are the best jokes when you get to explain them and then repeat them. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. He's

the absolute best over here. Dressed like an Asian John Wick tonight. I love it. Wait, do you normally dress like this? No, this is my first or second time. Second time. And this is just a new thing. You're like, I'm going to wear a fucking dope suit. Is it the same

suit that Joe Rogan bought you? Yes. Yeah. He literally wore it Friday night, Saturday night. Did you wear it last night? No. No, you took a night off. Yeah, I took a night off. Tony, I heard some rumors that he acted up a little this weekend. He had a very, his ego has arrived, everyone.

The young boy has done a few arenas now, and he's getting a little bit chippy choppy or something like that. Showing up late to the car. He forgot his suit at one point, so he had to run back. Literally, he's holding up an entire two SUVs of a high level. I mean, we have a police motorcade and everything, and everybody's like, we're just waiting for Hans. That's so

weird that an Asian guy is horrible with laundry. That is wild. Too soon. Sorry. I liked it. His cleaning is drier than his jokes. I love it, Hans. Very, very good. Wait, are we not allowed to be racist against Asians in this crowd? No, you are.

Come on, Austin. Don't be fucking... Look, the Mexicans love it. Absolutely. Here, watch. I got one. I got one. Not only is he dressed like a reservoir dog, he'd also eat one. Thank you. Starring in the new movie, Men in Brack. thank you starring in the new movie Men in the Brack

galaxy defender I love it Hans Kim so you were in Vegas all weekend it was the weekend of your life right best weekend you've ever had in your life right and you're walking around in a $. Uh-huh. Right. And you're walking around in a $3,000 suit that you cannot take off.

What else? What are some other highlights of the weekend? I bought my black roommate watermelons and she refused them. Whoa. Wait. Why'd you say it like that? Because I forgot. It was an accident. I was like, she likes fruit. She was like, get me fruit.

So I was like, who doesn't love watermelon? And then it turned into this whole thing. You said watermelons the first time you said it. Which, by the way, I don't think anybody has ever had multiple watermelons at the same time. How many watermelons did you give your roommate? It was all chopped up, so they were individual.

Did you do it with your hands? Level two. He did it with his bear hands. Stupid. Stupid. I have to do that joke every three weeks. It's automatic. So I love it.

Watermelon. How much watermelon did you give your blackberry did you give her any other fruit at all whatsoever no it was just an H-E-B carton of watermelon wow did she bring did she return the favor by giving you a box of rice perhaps or something like that like some type of stereotype right back at you uh she just refused it and uh you know didn't buy speaking of stereotypes we eat continuously, believe it or not, on these trips with Joe Rogan, who brings basically bags of

meat along with him everywhere he goes. His name is Brian Redband. Yeah. Old meat bag Redband over here. Bag of meat Redband. I love it. And Hans, before we went to lunch one of the days, walked across the street in Las Vegas about 110 degrees.

This is early afternoon. You remember what I'm getting at here? And he was wearing, what were you wearing? This. This suit. 110 degrees, Las Vegas, Nevada. He has to walk all the way across an actual street, which if you know Vegas, you know that's pretty weird to be out during the day just walk crossing the street.

And where were you going in that suit at about 12.30 on Saturday afternoon? The local Panda Express. It's not me, it's him. That's racist against you, dude. I know, look at my ego going to Panda Express. Yeah, absolutely. Writing Mandalay Bay jokes.

I love it. Very charming, Tony. He is, right? He's got a great set of teeth. It looks like Matt Dillon's teeth from something about Mary. He's got really big teeth and a big smile, even though his parents are probably so disappointed in him for not being a doctor.

Looks really happy. They're happy that I was racist to my black roommate, so that's pretty Asian. Hans was misbehaving all weekend. I had to stop him from his shadowboxing during the UFC fights. He got a little too excited and started shadowboxing

in the corner. It was very, very awkward. Yeah, it was super weird. It was like, I caught him. He was all by himself. Did you film it? No, I didn't film it. I literally go, Hans, what the fuck are you doing? And he's like, I'm shadowboxing. I'm excited. I'm like,

stop immediately. It was actually shadow karate. Oh, okay. Alright, there was a little delay. There was a little delay. There was a man delay there in that laugh. So it wasn't funny. Hans, you are a legend. It is absolutely incredible to get to watch you live your dreams here.

I remember the last time that Louis was on the show was one year and one month ago. It was our return episode of the little couple week delay we went on in May of last year. You came back singing the National Anthem to start the episode. One week later I made you a full time regular.

Here we are a year later and you have arenas, theaters, and everything under your belt. You've taken the ball and and you ran with it, and he still is in a $3,000 suit. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has the same tailor as Conor McGregor now. That is Hans Kemp. Thank you.

To the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we get to all meet somebody together. All at once. Make some noise for your first comedian out of the bucket tonight. They may have traveled from a far land. They may have been waiting months for this moment. Their name is Evan Suarzo. To get tonight's show started, Evan Suarzo. Evan Suarzo. You guys excited to be here tonight? What's going on, guys?

Holy shit. So, apparently, over the weekend, a guy in cleveland unfortunately got shot upwards of 90 times by the cops and it's terrible but the more i thought about it i was like if you're gonna shoot him 90 times you might as well make it 100 Because when you read the title on the news, it's like, cops shoot unarmed men 90 times. You're like, holy shit, that's a lot. Like, that's terrible. But you read, cops shoot unarmed men over 100 times, you're like, god damn, that's a lot of fucking...

That's a lot of shots. Uh, yeah. Um. That's a lot of shots Uh Yeah Um Uh Well Evan Suarzo I'll tell you

The guy that got shot 90 times by the cops died a faster death than you did up there tonight there's no doubt about that oh my goodness I wish somebody would shoot me 90 times right now please oh my goodness

I love you Tony I know we love you too welcome hack Hefron how are you I love it, Tony. I know, we love you too. Welcome, Hack Hefron. How are you? I love it. Look at you. This is your first time to try and stand up?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay. Where are you from? What are you doing? I'm from the Virgin Islands. I just moved here like a month and a half ago. Virgin Islands, that checks out. Pretty rough life growing up, white in the Virgin Islands. Right, you see how humor

has gotten him through everything. My father's yacht dealership giggles at these jokes. 90 times? They should have shot him more. 10 more. Where's the $100 bill? You're going places, gay face.

I think it's time for you, son. It's time for you to go sign up for Kill Tony. Go to Austin. Daddy's bought you a two-bedroom condo. Have fun and live this dream. We shall not wait any longer. Our man delay has been long enough. Evan Suarzo. any longer. Our man delay has been long enough. Evan

Suarzo. So let's talk about it. You were born and raised on the Virgin Islands your whole life? You've been there? Most of my life. I lived in New Orleans for a little while. What ethnicity are you? You look like if Hans Kim got plastic surgery or something like that.

Don't tell me what's funny, you son of a bitch. No, so I'm half white, half Spanish. Half Spanish. My dad's from Honduras. Okay. So Virgin Islands. How old are you? 25. What do you do for work? I do videography and I

bartend. Oh, okay. The funniest bartender you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Serving up those shots like a police officer. Exactly. He did one joke and the only joke was about

some dude being shot to death 90 times. He was like, dude, this is going to be hilarious. No punchline, just really sad news. Why do you read the paper like this with your hand why did the chicken cross the road because the polar ice caps are melting

it's just sad jokes knock knock who's there not an abortion sad topical jokes with no punchlines Who's there? Not an abortion. Sad topical jokes with no punchlines. This could be your thing, dude. You could be the unfunny comedian. This is very exciting.

This could be your fucking bread and butter, dude. I love it. What else? Did you have any other second ideas for something to talk about? I had another. Okay. How many of you want have any other second ideas for something to talk about? I had another. Okay. How many of you want to hear a second joke, huh? I know I do.

Let's hear it, dude. This could be the fucking one. Especially with all this hype behind it and D-Madness has his ears plugged. I mean, this is just, you know, you know. Not D-Madness, no. You can get redemption right now. Let's hear the second joke. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Sponsored by Lululemon. Here he is.

Evan Suarzo. So statistically, there are about 6,000 deaths. It's another joke about people dying. What the fuck? There's about 6,000 deaths every year from people slipping and falling in the shower. And

5,000 5,000 of those deaths are actually in prison because there's soap all over the floors. That's the joke. Holy shit. Hold on. Repeat that punchline one more time.

Just the punchline. Just the end one more time. There's soap all over the floor. Very good. That's fucking horrible. He's like, did you hear about those 5,000 prisoners that died? Hilarious. Evan, you're such a good boy.

Time to go to Texas for you. This Tony fellow knows nothing. You tell Antoine to call me direct with my weird digit number in the Virgin Islands. 3-4-0. Just dial plus 4-1-6-6-5-9. And then the number. You tell him to tell the

concierge to ring me directly. You're goddamn funny. That's why your mother and I never fuck. Evan Suarzo. So what are your big life goals? Like, what's going on here? What's the plan? You're out there, you're bartending. You're 25. Do your parents have high expectations

of you? What does your Honduran father do in the Virgin Islands? No. My dad died actually. Do you have any good news at all? I want the... Actually, that's joke number three. Yeah. I want the air horn.

His dad died because he heard him do stand-up comedy once before. He killed himself. How did your dad die? He killed it. Heart attack. Heart attack. Yeah. Was it out of nowhere?

Was it shocking? Yes. Recently? In 2015. 2015. All right. So it wasn't because of the vaccination. That's good. 2015.

And how about your mom? How's your mom doing? What's the story there? Well, Tony, funny you should ask. She's a quadriplegic. My mom shot a black guy 90 times yesterday. She's a cop in Akron. Tell us something good about Mama Bear. Mom's good.

Mom's good. She's good. Mom's good. She's retired. Heck yeah. Any cancer scares or anything like that? Actually, yes, but she's got to take care of herself. Wow. Look at that. Very good.

Absolutely. A little skin cancer. No big deal. A little lump in the breast. In the islands, there's a lot of skin cancer. Just a little nick. You know what I mean? Just the old touch of God right there.

Okay, Evan, do you have any special skills or talents of any kind? None. So I don't know if this counts, but I can throw a piece of food really high up in the air, and I can catch it. No fucking way. Are you serious? Yeah.

I don't know if I can do it now. No, you're definitely fucking doing it now, buddy. I got bad news for you. This is Kill Tony. Does anybody have a knife? Can I get a small food, please? Why is it food? I haven't tried it with anything else. Can you do it with a little bottle of clear eyes?

Hey, what do we got over there? What is that? Oh, a snack bag. Hello, lady. Okay, that's a security breach. I love it. Way to go, security. It's so gross.

What's that? Are those grapes? Yeah, bring them up here. Let's go. No, give me this. Give me this. There's a lot of lights. I don't know if I can see it.

Give me this. That's just frightening. That's disturbing. This lady brought a bag of cheese and olives. That's go. No, give me this. Give me this. There's a lot of lights. I don't know if I can see it. Give me this. That's just frightening. That's disturbing. This lady brought a bag of cheese and olives. That's disgusting. I love that we lock phones up, but this stays out somehow. Oh, come on in, olives and cheese. Welcome.

Anybody care for a charcuterie Ziploc? Oh, yes. This is how they pack. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get a fucking... I know you hate jokes, but let me is how they pack. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get a fucking... I know you hate jokes, but let me get one more in. This is how they pack a kid's lunch in the Virgin Islands, everybody. This is...

Eat your pepperoni and gouda. No bread for you, gay face. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a man who's indeed said that his talent is being able to throw food way up in the air and catch it in his mouth. Ladies and gentlemen, can I get something for Evan Suarzo, everybody? Here we go. Let's go, Evan. Oh.

Give him another grape. Give him another grape. Give him another one, just give him one. Here he is, giving it a shot here. Oh, your father would be so disappointed. Oh! Wow, wow. My goodness gracious. Wow. Wow. My goodness gracious.

We finally found your calling, Evan Suarzo. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Congratulations. Your first time ever doing stand-up. How do you feel? I feel great. Okay, there you go. Evan Suarzo.

Take a little joke book. You earned it. You ready? Can you catch it in your mouth if I throw it? Ready? This will be historical if you nail this. I'm a good thrower, so don't fuck it up. Okay, a lot of arc.

Ready? Here we go. Ah, damn it. Maybe next time. Evan Suarzo, everybody. There he goes. All right. Back toarzo, everybody. There he goes. All right. Back to the bucket we go.

It's time for Jeff Taylor, everyone. It is the Kill Tony appearance of Jeff Taylor straight out of the bucket. I do believe this is his first time. I normally remember a name if I see it more than once. Here comes Jeff Taylor, everybody. Make some noise for Jeff, everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

What is up, Austin? Let's get it going. I had a girl tell me that cum tasted like uncooked ramen noodle. Very specific thing. This tells me a couple things, though. First off, I can surely afford this date. Secondly. couple things though. First off, I can surely afford this date. Secondly, if she does in fact like ramen noodle, I'm going to get my dick sucked. But I need to know, are we talking

about with or without the seasoning packet? Because if your stuff is smelling or tasting like shrimp bouillon, fellas, you need to see a physician right now. No lie. Also, I have other questions. Like, am I ever going to wake up with my butt cheeks sewn together next to you? There are no illogical questions at this point, I don't think. That, uh, good? I timed that five minutes. No.

57, 58, 59. You hear that? Yes, sir. Jeff, did you allot for, like, laughter in that when you wrote it or something? No. And pause. When I got up here, it, like, went so much faster. You're goddamn right it did, didn't it?

Hell yeah, absolutely. Jeff, welcome. First time doing stand-up? Yes, sir. Wow, absolutely incredible. How old are you, Jeff? 42. 42.

And what made you want to start here now, tonight? Man, I've always kind of wanted to do it, and this show kind of pushed me over the edge. I found it a few months ago. Love it. Where are you from? Louisiana? No, Tyler, Texas. East.

Tyler. Okay. Almost to Louisiana. How far from Louisiana? It takes me an hour to get to the boats. Wow. Okay. Get to the good old boats.

We know about that shit. Good times. What do you do for work, Jeff? What do you drive for a living? I do a very, very boring read and analyze legal documents all day, every day for 15 years. You're the legal document guy where you're from?

Well, I do it all over Texas. Goddamn. That's incredible, Jeff. 42. You have a family? What have you been doing? No, man. Not married. No kids. Divorced once. Never doing that shit again. You know how that goes. Right, right, right.

Why don't you want to do divorce again? That rules. Oh, right. Divorces are worth whatever do a divorce again? That rules. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Divorces are worth whatever the fuck they cost. That's for sure. No doubt. Jeff, you're a very normal human being. This is interesting.

I try, yeah. It's salt of the earth, this guy, for sure. The timing there, it really proves that old saying, time flies when 250 people aren't having fun. You're not lying. It goes fast. No, you were good, though. I mean, considering that he's never done it before, I thought he was honestly like a 10-year road hack.

That was the energy. I'll take that. Yeah, going up after Evan Suarzo, everybody seems like. I was praying that my name got drawn after that guy. Oh, shit. If you feel a grape hit the back of your head later, I'm telling you, you know who it is.

Jeff, what have you been doing for fun for the last 42 years? Storming the Capitol. That's the vibe I'm getting for sure. Kissing on legal documents. You heard this Roe v. Wade thing? Men traveled a lot.

Work used to take me all over the place. But a lot of traveling. Hawaii. Ooh, Hawaii. Is that another? Yeah, yeah. Okay. What type of fun things did you do in Hawaii?

Oh, God. Man, we literally did everything possible. We went swimming. Very little of that, actually. We went to a luau. A lot of sightseeing. I'd skip the touristy crap wherever I go for the most part. I threw my

ex-wife into a volcano. Don't I fucking wish. You've been single for a while now. Do you get out and date? Where do you find women at? How do you do this? Rarely anymore. Quarantine fit me like an old sneaker, man, so I hang out at home a lot.

Fit you like an old sneaker. What a charming way to call yourself a loser. Newly, I'm newly. Has a whole bunch of awesome sayings, probably. I just masturbate like a goldfish swimming upstream in a toilet. Once a night when I go to bed.

That's it. That's it. When you live in Far East Texas, that's all they do. Oh, yeah. Dad masturbate and eat crawfish. That's it. That's what I always say. God damn it.

That's a bumper sticker. That shit's spicy. Fits like a glove of oil. You know what I mean? My old wife or new boyfriend's dick fits inside of her like a glove going on OJ Simpson's hand at the end of a trial. Wait, that didn't fit.

That shit was bloodier than a guy that got shot 90 times. Do you have any bumper stickers on your car? Not a single one. Damn. So you say that quarantine fit you like an old sneaker.

What exactly do you mean by that? It was comfy, man. You enjoyed it. You were chilling at home? Yeah, like I said, I've been traveling and running around so much for like a decade doing work. And man, I got to stay home away from family for a decade and I was forced to stay home

and hang out with them and decided I didn't hate them. Has anyone ever told you that you look like if Tom Seger and Joe Rogan made a baby together? No, but I get that. Yeah, there it is. No doubt about it. Jeff, have you ever gotten arrested before? Not once. Not once.

I should have. I've gotten away from the popo a few times. He's not a very spicy guy. There's no fucking depraved, weird shit about him. He's too straightforward, dude. I don't know if you can do comedy. You've got to be a little fucked up to do comedy. What's a fucked up thing about you?

A fucked up thing? Yeah, you seem like you would be a good neighbor. Yeah, I am. I definitely am. No, I mean, fucked up. Like, I love the mushrooms. That's about it. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'll eat the shit out of some mushrooms. I did the... Hell yeah, those mushrooms will kick in like a diamond rose. You know what I'm saying? I did 10 grams like three months ago. Whoa. Just to see what the fuck... All right.

What the fuck? My friends Nether Hour just perked up in their seats over there. Friends with fucking Louisiana Jam Band over there. You just made them hard as a rock. It was fucking wild. 10 grams of mushrooms. Are you by yourself

at your place? No, I have a friend that stays with me. Okay. And you guys ate mushrooms together? We do sometimes. How about the time you did 10 grams? I'm asking specifically about that. You're me. Okay. And you guys ate mushrooms together? We do sometimes. How about the time you did 10 grams? I'm asking specifically about that. You're so low. Right. And so what happens? 20-30 minutes goes by. You eat the mushrooms.

Where are you? What kicks in? What was the highlight? I was legit traveling through the universe in some, I don't know, some tube. Laid down in bed. Black out everything. Closed eyes. I was literally traveling through the universe, and the universe was dying. Wow. It spit me out as the last thing to save it outside of it.

Wow. It's mushrooms, guys. This shit happens. My goodness. Jesus. All right. Yeah, I know. Shit's weird.

It's so funny how uninteresting mushroom stories are. We all just get uncomfortable. Oh, God, yeah. When you try and recant them. Yeah, yeah. Why all this thing about your entire life? A fun fact about you or your family or your history? You once won a competition or a trophy or something?

You did something? Yeah, I was. A radio contest or something? I was really good at soccer when I was younger. This is what hip hop. not so much the soccer body this is what soccer players look like in East Texas everyone I look like I ate the former soccer player

I was for real alright Jeff you are a real guy you're like Larry the Wi-Fi guy or something like that I'm not exactly sure. Congratulations again on your first time ever doing stand-up comedy.

I love all you guys. You want to try to catch a little joke book in your mouth? I will. Let's try it. See, what's weird is I think Jeff will actually do this shit. Are you ready, Jeff? Open that thing up for me. Here we go.

Oh! So close. Jeff Taylor, everybody. There we go. This might be the new thing. I might throw little joke books in people's mouths from now on. Somebody's gonna choke and die. Alright, enough of these bucketfuls. Enough of these first-timers. Let's get a

goddamn... We have a very special treat for you. The only golden ticket winner to ever win it here in Austin, Texas, from Toronto, Canada. Literally, the guy is mentally challenged and is about to decimate. Make some noise for Jared Nathan, everybody. I'm a result of forbidden love? Nope. My incest when a 52 year old man meets a 25 year old slut

hooked on prescriptions and drugs you get me I'm a b-b- out too late she was pregnant. She was too strong on drugs and missed her own abortion? Drugs can fuck you up? Are drugs saving my life? Jared Nathan

with a brand new minute that was absolutely fucking great. You did it again, you son of a bitch. You're absolutely on fire, which is something that you like to probably do, set things on fire. Yes!

Yeah, you do like that, right? Yes. You remember when you first got to play with a lighter? I lost my eyebrows. Is that true? It can be. Okay, Jared. Very good.

Thank you. Great, great improvisational guru, Jared Nathan. Welcome back to the show. You did it again. Thank you. Another brand new minute. Tell Luis J. Gomez what's up with you. I'm one fucked up dude.

Yeah. Yeah. I saw Jared last night. He did my depraved show and he fucking absolutely murdered a rabbit that he kept on petting. I lost him. So sad I lost that rabbit. Jared, you're taking full advantage of this trip again to Austin, Texas. You're thriving here every time you come to visit.

You're famously escaping Canada on a regular basis. Eh? Yep. That's right. Another letter that you never got on a report card. Another letter that you never got on a report card. I love him, and I saw him last night, too. And he's so Canadian.

I mean, he's a spitting image of Mike Myers. And you can see the Canadian sense of humor. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, it's like maple syrup, super slow. Yeah. And I love the way he says abortion I think more people would get them if they were advertised

like that it actually took you so long to say the word abortion that in the time you wouldn't be allowed to get an abortion by the time that you got to the end of it Jared Nathan what you been doing for fun I heard a rumor that you went to the Red Rose last night. Is that true?

There was a sighting of Jared Nathan at the Red Rose. Is there any truth to this? Might have been. Might have been. Might have been. Oh, you're afraid mom's watching right now? Allegedly, Tony. Allegedly.

Oh, my goodness. So how long were you there? Tell us about your trip. I was there. Are you going off the us about your trip. I was there. Are you going off the mic for this one? I was there for the time. Is the Red Rose a strip club, I'm assuming? Yeah, it's a very famous strip club here.

What time did you get home last night? Around 12. Around 12? I was there for a long time. Really? I was there for a long time. How long were you there? Half an hour. shut the fuck up

half an hour you're such a liar thank you I can't believe you're alive what are you afraid of right now how much money did you spend

at the strip club not a lot what is going on right now I've never seen you Tony it takes 15 minutes to cum to say cum going on right now. I've never seen you Tony, it takes 15 minutes to cum.

To say cum. I feel bad for whatever your safe word is, Jared. Banana! I love it. Tony! Oh, okay.

Call you something. If you pull out a gun and shot Tony in the head right now, how fucking hilarious would that be? Is that a Team Jared shirt? I love it. I love it. Thank you. You go, what the bullshit up your face with it?

There you go. Thank you. There you go. Thank you. Thank you so much. I have a question. Thank you. I needed something to clean my toilets with,

so that's very exciting. He's so fucking funny. Yeah. He doesn't fit into anything. Where does his career go being that funny? I think that I think I think that the future is very, very bright for a guy like

Jared Nathan. I think that all of these, you know, I mean, I think that, you know, you have to look at the perks of like Netflix going woke, right? Yeah. Because they have, they ran out of they ran out of other woke comedians that were funny

the second that it started. And literally, I think that eventually here, they're going to have to have a board meeting and go, where do we go from here? What's next level? We need someone more retarded than Hannah Gadsby. Yeah. And they're going to be like,

whoa, I got a guy more retarded than Hannah Gadsby and actually does jokes. Yeah. Funny. And more feminine. Yeah. Can you imagine? People are going to think that their streaming service is skipping.

God damn it. The Wi-Fi is going out. No, it's just another killer setup from Jared. Thank you, thank you. Jared's constantly buffering in life. Yeah. Yeah, I have trouble doing therapy on Zoom for that same reason.

My therapist doesn't know if I'm stuttering or my computer is... Broken. Buffering. Buffering. Buffering. Right. A hundred percent.

Very good. You definitely are the dial-up comedian, without a doubt. You are so consistent. It's absolutely incredible. Another brand new minute. You do it every single time you're on this show. You're so, so special in so many ways. We love you.

There he is, Jared Nathan, everybody. All right. Back to the bucket we go. You've seen what it is. Two first timers ever so far tonight. That's incredible. Let's see what happens now as we all meet Alyssa Westerlund, everybody. Alyssa Westerlund.

Can I get a buffalo trace? Oh, yeah. Another buffalo trace on the rocks. Buffalo trace rocks. Slide that right in there. So anyway, I don't wear bras. You're welcome. I don't wear bras.

People think it's because I'm a feminist, right? But this is not about feminism, okay? This is about social anxiety. I don't wear bras because I hate eye contact. I don't shave my armpits either. I don't shave my armpits because I'm busy, right? And I'm a ginger. Guys keep asking if they can see my bush.

I call this the preview. So I was topless the other day, and I learned that when you're topless, everywhere is a crosswalk. I don't tell people I'm a feminist. I just tell them I'm a cunt. And honestly, I don't believe in feminism anymore. I feel like it helped men more than it helped women, you know? Because now I have to work and suck dick.

I'm not doing both. Anyway, ladies, so what's the difference between three dicks and a joke? I can't take a joke. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Alyssa Westerland is here.

Everybody's got to do something nowadays to stand out of the pile. It is incredible to me that Carrot Top has gone trans here. Oh my god. Carrot flop. Very, very exciting. Welcome to the show, Alyssa.

How are you? This is your first time meeting you. First time, yeah. Where are you from? I am from Oregon House, California. Oregon, and now Northern California? Yeah, it's Northern California. No doubt. The armpits check out, yeah. Where are you from? I am from Oregon House, California. Oregon, and now Northern California? Yeah, it's Northern California. No doubt.

The armpits check out, everybody. It's real. Oregon to California. Oregon House is actually in California. There's 1,200 people there. Yeah. Okay. All right.

And what do you do for a living? What type of witch's brew do you make or something like that? I used to grow weed, and I've been doing Santa for a while, and I basically have had a gazillion. I haven't had a real job in about a decade. How do you make money? I grew weed for a long time. That actually used to make money.

Well, how do you make money now? Stop avoiding the question, you obvious hooker. That's one of the ways. That's one of the ways. You're on the high council of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Exactly. I won 2017. I love how you shake it up and down.

Literally, you're all nipples. It's incredible. You walk around topless sometimes? I do. I drive that way. I walk around that way. It's legal in Austin. There's children, you fucking heathen. What about the children

that look at your weird tits and hairy armpits? It's the first thing they saw. It'll be fine. Wow. You seem like a very free spirit. What's your living situation like? Right now, I...

What type of Subaru do you live in? I have a... I drive a Prius and I live in an Airbnb that I rented for five months to see if I like Austin. More like a hair B&B, am I right, babe? Oh, that shit's freaky. More like hair A&A. A&A, yeah. The A cups. Come on hair A&A. A&A, yeah.

The A cups. Come on. A&A. Okay, sorry. Sorry, I'm slow. I call her boobs an A&A meeting. Can you see that? All right.

They are very, for those of you just listening to the podcast, they are ridiculously, strangely small boobs that seems like if she had bigger boobs that they would just be hanging straight down, but they're not hanging. They're just small enough to not be hanging. They're sort of, sort of hanging. It's like Robin Williams. You know what I mean? It's like an accidental...

Alright. Anyway, Alyssa, let's talk about it. So what else? What do you like to do for fun? Let's find out about you I like walking, but it's too fucking hot in Texas Let's see, I like reading I like cooking

You're just naming things that people like to do While you tell jokes This is very exciting That's what I like to do I dance every day, I write every day I used to walk every day What type of dancing do you do? Like, you know, just wild. I need music for it, you know, just to get my body.

Really? Wow. All right. That's good. This is what the waiting room to hell is like, everybody. God, I knew it. Welcome to the dead like, everybody. It's just... God! I knew I should have said that. Welcome to the dead rose, everyone. Would she marry Jared if he could get a green card out of it? Would you?

No, I don't need a green card. No, he needs a green card. Canadian. How much is he paying? He needs a Canadian... I have a Canadian passport. I mean, I think... I don't know. My dad said not to do that for less than a million. Wow, look at that.

Your dad's got a high price on him. So, Alyssa, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Probably this. I mean, I was nervous as all hell, but I love it. What else scares me? Soap. Razors, brassieres.

I shit my legs. I wax my bush. I just don't do the pits. Why do you not do the pits? I think it's funny because they'll still fuck you. They don't actually care. No, that's not true. I think a lot of us see that and go,

crazy person, crazy person. Maybe that's why I do it. I've had men lick them. Oh, God. Oh, I don't believe that. Who are these people? I don't believe that. Is there a guy out there that would be willing

to lick one of these armpits? Is there anyone? I find this impossible to believe. Wow, look at this. Oh, my goodness. This is one of those moments in Kill Tony history. I mean, absolutely incredible. God bless the security here again.

It's all good. Again, he's just kidding. Don't mess with me. Literally, thank you. This is the most interesting episode of Mythbusters I've ever seen in my entire life. By far. It's absolutely incredible. This is my brother.

This can't happen. I can't. Absolutely frightening. Yet, for some reason, I completely love it. Are you, is it okay? Do we have your permission to get your armpits licked? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This show is fucking crazy, man. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Why was his tongue already yellow? Yeah. That is incredible. My friend, what's your name, sir?

Ian. Ian. And where are you from? Charlotte. What are you doing? You're just a fan of the show? Yeah, I'm just a fan of the show. I love it. Do you sign up tonight?

I was thinking about it, but... Right, but you're like, nah, just if they need someone to lick an armpit or something. That's me. Is that something you like? Is that like a fetish thing of yours? No. You're not into crazy shit? First armpit I actually licked.

Wow, look at that. Well. Just starts throwing up all over the stage. What do you do for work, Ian? I'm a delivery driver. Wow. What kind of delivery driver exactly are you? I deliver the

package, of course. Whoa. Very, very good. I love it. You guys danced on the same beat there. That was weird. Dude, I hate you so much. I don't know why, but whatever's going on, your mustache, your fucking shirt, now your tongue.

You really are. You really are. You look like a tourist. It's very interesting. I am a tourist. Are you excited to be here in Austin? Yes. Yes.

Okay. What else do you have fun planned for your trip here? Just getting drunk and have fun. Wait, what? What did you say? Just getting drunk as fuck and have fun. Wait, what? What did you say? Getting drunk as fuck and having a good time. Okay. I like your energy, my friend.

Thank you for coming up to Lickin' Armpit. There goes the end, everybody. Thank you. Alyssa Westerlund, you have a good sense of humor. You're a good sport for playing along and coming up here. Thank you so much. Thank you. Here's a joke book.

You want to try to catch it in your mouth? No? Okay, there you go. No. Thank you so much. Thank you. Here's a joke book. You want to try to catch it in your mouth? No? Okay, there you go. No bullshit there. That is a woman that does not want a joke book in her mouth. Rumor has it the joke books taste like uncooked ramen noodles. Okay.

I have another special treat for us you guys like special treats here tonight right it has been months since this man has been on the show one of the most famous regulars in the history of the show a man known for his incredible joke writing ability and his ridiculous roast skills this is the return of the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. I'm kind of mad they overturned Roe vs. Wade.

I'm kind of mad they overturned Roe vs. Wade. Because if they wouldn't... If it weren't for Roe vs. Wade, I would have 17 kids. So I'm glad they overturned that shit. When I'm done, nothing them bitches I don't give a fuck about. But even if they make abortions illegal, they still make coat hangers.

What are you scared of? Or put a girl in a pickup truck and hit a whole bunch of speed bumps going 80 miles an hour. She be like, my stomach hurt. I'm like, yes. Bitch, my gosh. Every girl that fuck with me Get plan B whether she know it or not

You know what I'm saying They do I make that morning time plan B smoothie She's like oh my god this is bitter What's in it ginger I'm like yeah bitch it's gonna clean you out real good Alright man thank you There it is.

Another one of the great regulars of the show. Another brand new minute by the great David Lucas. Welcome back to Texas, my good friend. I've missed you. How are you? I've missed you too, bro. I've seen you shooting fireworks out of your asshole. Oh, come on.

That motherfucker ass cheeks clenched a Roman candle. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, my goodness. You're already off and going. Here it is. Yeah, bro, look at Tony. What you got on? You love this.

Of course, David is famously celebrating the 4th of July right now. Very exciting stuff. I love this camo that you're wearing. Is that supposed to hide the fact that you keep gaining weight? Damn, bitch. I actually dropped weight, nigga. You know Rogan put us in his weight loss competition, but Red Band... Really? How's it going so far?

Looks like you guys are tied at zero. I just want you to know, I think it's really funny. He thinks we're in the competition right now, but we haven't even started it. So he's been losing all this weight and I've been getting milkshakes with all my burgers. Very, very smart plan of action, Redman. Keep chugging milkshakes with all your burgers.

By the way, I did see on your Instagram that you had a moldy burger from Wendy's. He took a picture of it and posted about it thinking that perhaps Wendy's would send him a gift certificate or something. But the funniest thing of the picture, and sometimes when you make these posts in the middle of the night, I don't even know if you know what the hell you're doing. Oh, okay. It was an afternoon. It was breakfast.

Very good, Red Band. It was a Dave's Double. I love it. Dave's Double. But a fun fact about the moldy burger that he got is he ate around the mold. He ate half the burger. No, I ate it. I ate this burger. I had like three big bites. Then I set it down and

literally this size of green fuzzy mold on the bottom of the burger. Red band. Absolutely incredible. I can't believe you brought Luis J. Gomez up why you talking shit already you bitch oh shit here we go

I'm not afraid of you Luis J. you look like the strongest nigga in Abu Dhabi oh my goodness that motherfucker look like he coaching an Armenian basketball team get your Jerusalem Harlem Globes trying to lick your ass about it. What kind of jersey you got on, nigga?

I'm about to look like he's about to stand in line for a housing voucher. Get your stupid ass. I don't even know what he's saying at this point. Fuck you. I'm just trying not to say the N-word right now. Chill. Chill, Gomez.

Don't say it. Don't fall for his traps. I know what he's doing. He's too fast. This guy won MTV's Yo Mama before. This guy's fast as shit. Yeah, bro. Appreciate it, bro. You got a steroid fetish. Thanks, Patrice. Next meal.

Oh! That's a good one. Hey, I see that stupid ass eye you got. It looks like you got lemon juice in it. It looks like somebody squirted lime juice in his eye. You know what I like about you? You proved some BLs don't am.

BLs don't am. Oh. Public school. He's out of breath just thinking about that joke. Louis J., get your motherfucking ass out of here, bro. You look like a toenail fungus, nigga. I don't know what your buddy look like. He look like he killed deers and wear the skin home.

Get your American sniper looking ass up out here, boy. Let's go play Surviving the Game. You be iced tea. You got Afghanistan sand in your boxes right now, dude. Oh my goodness. So fast. That motherfucker shot a camel for fun when he was overseas. Yeah, that motherfucker sleeping in a sleeping bag, dog.

I bet you got a camouflage sleeping bag. Oh, deer urine smelling ass, man. You're wearing it as a hoodie right now. Hey, Tony, you testified on the Amber Heard versus Johnny Depp trial, bitch. That motherfucker said, I didn't see anything. Johnny treated me so right. Holy fuck. I love Slop Marley.

Hey, but guess what, Tony, man? I brought a special guest tonight. You know who I brought with me tonight, bro? Who'd you bring? My motherfucking mama, man. The real Mrs. Lucas is here? Oh, shit. It's about to go down, ladies and gentlemen.

This is the first in the history of the show. Mrs. Lucas has arrived. Oh my goodness. This is one of the best goddamn Tyler Perry movies I've ever seen in my entire life.

This is absolutely incredible. Can you roast him? You got anything for me, Mrs. Lucas? Say something. This is not the first time I've seen her on a pearl necklace. Oh, my goodness. Oh, she does not like that, Louis. Hey, Louis, your mama gave up her pussy to rub on a genie lamp.

Shut up. Oh, my goodness. Mrs. Lucas, how are you? Your son is literally bigger and better than ever. Ever since I took him under my wing, he's also wanted to go under my thigh and my breast.

You took him under your wing, you tried to eat it. Yeah. I took him under my wing, he put barbecue sauce on it. No problem. See, that's a good answer. You're from beautiful Atlanta, Georgia, correct?

Macon. Macon, absolutely. Yo, we've got the Macon bacon. Oh, god damn. I love your style. I've heard this saying the apple falls far from the tree. What do you think about your son's weight? It's fallen. It's fallen.

It's fallen. Absolutely. His blood pressure is rising. Also, if his is rising, then mine's going up. I like that. Get all 227 on his ass. Is that the

Atlanta area code? I have no idea. It was an old black show. Oh. It's actually an old black show. I'm surprised he knew it. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Absolutely. So tell us something fun about David from when he was a child or something like that. What's something that we should know? Uh-oh. Go stab Tony in the face. Oh, the fun The finest thing is when he was going to

daycare, and because his complexion is bright complexion when he's growing up. You call that bright? Yeah. When he was younger. I had to put him on his thumb because he thought he was white. Wow.

He came home. He said, Mom, I hate to tell you on his son because he thought he was white. Wow. He came home. He said, Mom, I hate to tell you this, but you black. And me and grandma, we white. But do me a favor. Don't tell G-Dad. He's black too now. That's hilarious.

I love that. I like it more now. Very, very cool. And, of course, Mr. Lucas is back in Macon holding it down. What else is going on, Mrs. Lucas, in life? You excited to be here in Austin? Yes, I'm excited to be here. I just retired. I made it 31st. Congratulations.

Heck yeah. I can't believe they let you retire from being on the cover of a pancake bottle. What did you do for work? Tell us all. What did you do before you retired? I was a computer operator. July the 7th, I would be at my company 45 years. Oh, my goodness.

That is incredible. You were a computer operator back when it was a typewriter. That's incredible. Yeah. I had the key punch machines and all of that, the decolators. I love it. How proud are you of David and his rise to fame? I mean, he's out here.

He's selling out. I tried to get him to feature for me in a couple weeks, join a couple other of our friends from Tampa. He can't do it. He's already booked headlining weekends in Chicago and big cities. He's literally living the dream. I'm very proud of him with him going to college and everything. Oh, gosh.

Right. It wasn't a struggle. It was where I had to put him, his priority before my priority, what I wanted in life. Right. I continued to work with the computers and everything.

And you put him through college really hard to do with that lunch bill. You know what I'm saying? I mean. Why you keep breaking these vending machines and taking all the foods out of them? You guys are absolutely adorable. I love, I'm a huge, huge fan of moms.

I'm convinced that moms are a big, big fan of me. I love, love, love that you had the courage to come up here and hang out with us, and we love your son very much, and you're a badass. Thank you so much. Have a hand for David and Mrs. Lucas,

everybody! Have fun! Yeah, we'll skip it. It'll be good when we do it. Alright, back to the podcast. Oh, that was so sweet. Isn't that nice? It was adorable. It's fun to mix in a little sweetness every once in a while. Right? Alright, let's get mean again.

Make some noise for your next comedian right out of the bucket. Justin O'Donnell, everyone. Here he comes. Back to meeting strangers. Justin O'Donnell is here. One more time for Justin, everyone. Hey, how's it going, Austin? All right.

I'm from McAllen, Texas, if you haven't heard of it. Yeah, you's it going, Austin? All right. I'm from McAllen, Texas. If you haven't heard of it, yeah, you know it. It's where every fucked up thing you ever heard about the border happens. You know, migrant caravans, Haitians getting whipped in the face. Es mi casa. And I'm here in Austin, and I like Austin, but I hate the slogan. Keep Austin weird. Austin's not fucking weird.

Austin's quirky, right? Like, Austin's weird the way Zooey Deschanel is weird. You know? It's not weird like how a crackhead is weird. In fact, that's probably the weirdest thing about Austin is how many Austinites can just walk past camps of crackheads

on their way to drop three grand in an artisanal pogo stick. Keep Austin weird. Why is Austin weird? Why are you weird, Austin? Because you had a pop-up bar that looked like Moe's Tavern from The Simpsons?

That's not fucking weird. Where I'm from, it's weird. We had a pop-up zoo, and there was only one animal in those cages, and it was little Mexican children. Thank you. That's my time.

Justin O'Donnell making fun of Mexican children while looking like a Mexican child. I am Mexican. You are Mexican. Yeah. Last name's O'Donnell. What happened? What happened? A leprechaun fucked its cleaning lady? What happened here?

I feel like nobody asked Patrice O'Neill that question. Why he's so dark. Right. Okay. I'm not actually. You know what it was? Patrice O'Neill was busy being so funny that we ignored it. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. I never even

really even thought about it that way. It's like saying Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah. But that's different. O'Donnell's different. I don't know. Okay. Welcome to... I'm actually not Irish.

Justin, how long have you done stand-up comedy? It depends on how you count it. Either six months or eight months. Okay, either one of those answers would have been fine. That's pretty wild. We'll just call it seven. Well, the thing is, after I did my first open mic, I got in a bar fight and got my nose totally shattered.

How did this happen? Tell us step by step how this happened. I kind of don't remember the whole thing. Damn, you got fucked up. Yeah, I had surgery. I was out for two months. Out of what? Existence. I was just laying in my mouth. From a broken nose?

Yeah, I had to get surgery. I went to Mexico. You got it in Mexico? Yeah. Oh, shit. The best surgeons on earth. Cheapest surgeons, too. You don't remember anything that happened from the night or how the fight happened?

No, I do. The guy was sexually harassing my friend and I got in a fight. Just your friend? Yeah. What do you mean, your friend? She was a lady friend. A what friend? A lady friend. A lady friend. You tried to defend

your friend's honor and then you got the shit kicked out of you? Yeah. That rules. Yeah. To be fair, though, I kept running at him, and every time I would run at him, the security would grab me, and then that's when he would knock me in the... I lost the fight, for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

No, yeah. No doubt about it. You went to Mexico for surgery. Yeah. So what did they do to fix your nose? What did you pick exactly? Flour or corn? All right.

We're going to put a little bit of guacamole right near the septum. And then we're going to put some salsa on the side, a little bit of queso and some crema. And you're going to be good. His nose is half churro now. Ay, amigo, el noso. I love it. So, Justin O'Donnell, what do you do for work? I'm getting real magician energy.

Magician energy? Well, I came to Austin. I moved to Austin. I was supposed to start working at a bar, but they've kind of, like, ghosted me. Why do you think they ghosted you? I don't know. They told me I got the job. An entire bar ghosted you?

Yeah. They can't move their location. Yeah. I haven't gone to see them yet. I just arrived yesterday, so I just moved in yesterday. Okay. You moved in yesterday from? From McAllen.

McAllen. How far away is that? It's about 300 yesterday. Okay. You moved in yesterday from? From McAllen. McAllen. How far away is that? It's about 300 miles. Okay. And you drove, what, an F-150 or something to get here from there? It's a chopped up Challenger. A chopped up Challenger. No, it's just a regular Challenger.

Are you talking about your nose or? All right. Anyway, I'm stupid. Okay. What's interesting about you, Justin? What do you do for fun? What are you good at? So lately I've been watching a lot of YouTube documentaries

on, like, history and science. Like what? I guess that was, like, the least interesting thing I could have said about myself. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've just been watching a lot of stuff about history.

What do you do for fun? You must have a hobby or something like that. Yeah, I read a lot. None of these things are fun. Well, I mean, I drink a lot. I go out and drink, but that's like the lamest answer I could have given, I think. No, reading and writing

is the lamest answer. You have given, I think. No, reading and writing is a lamest answer. You're right. Arithmetic. What type of drinking do you do? I don't know. I like Jameson a lot. I shoot Jameson. Very Irish of you. Weirdly enough, I don't like

tequila all that much. Interesting. When you get fucked up on tequila, do you get stupid? I mean, I get stupid with everything I drink. Ever since they gave it to him to put him out for his operation in Mexico. They had me on a drip. You son of a bitch. So you defended a friend that you were in the friend zone with.

What's your love life like now? Has that changed at all? I mean, I kind of had to cut everybody off when I left. Any sort of relationship-y things I had, I just, eh, done. Three hours away, you were like, you know what, I'm done with you forever.

Trying to start new. How do you think that's going to go for you? What's your plan of action? None. Are you on any of the dating apps or anything like that? I'll probably get on them. I did it in McAllen. It didn't really work out all that well. Right.

Yeah. You got a match 75 miles away. That's exciting. All right. I'm trying to figure out what's going on with you here. Funnily enough, when I was on Tinder in McAllen, almost all my matches were from Mexico. Like 75% of them were from the other side.

They were prostitutes. Or trying to get a green card or something. I know there's some angle that they were trying to work. So you just moved here yesterday. What's your living situation looking like? I'm rooming with a couple people. I'm rooming with a buddy, another comedian buddy. He's also from McAllen. His name is Andreas.

It's okay. You don't need to shout him out. He's not proud of this moment right now. He's like, oh my God, the most boring guy ever just said that we're besties. Another one that's going to put you in the friend zone immediately. Very, very interesting.

No special skills or talents on you or anything like that? Are you a good bartender? Depends on who you ask. Okay, the no. The fuck, dude? It's a hot no. Have some self-confidence, dude. You're bumming me out.

Special skills or talents? Okay, well, here's a skill that I do have. I have never fallen being like, being completely vertical to being, like, completely horizontal. Like, no matter how drunk I get, no matter how slippery the floor is, I've never fallen. You've never fallen all the way. No, yeah, like, I've stumbled, I've fucking, you know,

like, took in a knee, but I've never... Like a cat. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. Holy shit. This is an incredible fun fact please don't like send someone to tackle me no no we wouldn't do that we let you run to them and then the security holds you

and then we're gonna lay you down very very interesting that you've never fallen before. You seem like you were dropped on your head all the time as a kid. And what happened when your nose was busted? Like, did you just stand there and go, ow? Oh, I was being held by the security. They tried to, like, throw me to the ground, but I kept getting out and kept running back at the guy.

What a great skill. Yeah, it skill. Yeah. It is. Incredible. Was the guy a big guy? Because you're not very big. Yeah, he's a big fat guy, dude. The guy that was sexually harassing your friend. What did he do to her that was sexually harassing? Was it like a groping?

Did he say something? Yeah, he was like kind of caging her up against the bar, wouldn't let her leave. She tried to like duck underneath him, wouldn't let her leave. She tried to duck underneath him, wouldn't let her leave. Did you try to tell the security first before you started to be Rambo? No, that would have been a good idea. I didn't do that. Right.

And yeah, I paid the price for that. Absolutely. Did the guy get away or did he get arrested for the fight? No, they actually wanted to arrest me because apparently what he did wasn't a crime. But dude, you're such a dork, we want to arrest you. Kind of. They laughed at me when I said she was sexually harassing her. That's

McCallum PD for you, by the way. Fuck that place. Wow. So wait a minute, time out. So the story was, from the cop's perspective, he was talking to some chick and then you started hitting him and he defended himself? Yeah, that was their take. Even though they saw on the cameras that that wasn't true.

I don't know if the guy was hooked up or something. Did you think when you were doing this defending your friend who you guys were just platonic friends, did you think that maybe this will help you get laid by her? No, I did not think that at all.

I don't believe you. The way you just moved your finger, because you're like, well, go on. I will say this. When I was laid out for two months, I got offered the most sympathy, sex, and coke

that I've ever been offered in my life. Coke for your broken nose? Yeah. What the fuck is up with that, dude? I was like, I can't do it. My nose will fucking slide off my face. Right, right. Like, hey, we heard you got your arm cut off.

Here's some heroin for you. How depressing. It was not fun times. But you love cocaine. This is starting to make sense on why you are a bartender that's bad at your job and also seemingly has nothing interesting about him whatsoever. Fair enough, yeah. Okay.

I love it. Very good. Do you think you have a drug problem? No, I don't do coke all that much. I just, it's a... Yeah, exactly. All that much. It's a sometimes drug, you know. Tuesdays.

Yeah, sometimes drug. Dude, just do something interesting. I don't know, dude. You're fucking... This whole thing is bumming me out. I know, it's weird. Maybe he could do something through his nose. Can you put a straw through your nose or something?

I can't put anything through my nose anymore. Can you breathe through your nose? Actually, I can breathe better through my nose now than before. Does it always smell like fajitas or something like that since you got it in Mexico? Only when I'm not doing coke, I guess. Wow.

Alright, Justin O'Donnell. Well, congratulations on being the newest resident to Austin, Texas. Congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. You want to try to catch a joke book in your mouth? All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it could hit his nose. And remember, he could also fall for the first time in his life right now.

Here we go. Oh, there we go. There you go. Justin O'Donnell, everyone. He didn't even pick it up. He's like, oh, eat it. Yeah, no, he's got it. Can I get another Buffalo Trace? Another Buffalo Trace on the rocks for Louis J. Gomez. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? It's a tricky one here, but we're going to try it anyway.

Make some noise for Ike Rafferty, everyone. Ike Rafferty. Here he is. Make some noise for Ike Rafferty, everybody. You ever notice how black people be like incredibly warm and kind? I love those guys. Last week, I was fired from Panda Express

for calling all the customers round-eye. Has anyone here ever heard of the butterfly effect? Yeah, it's that thing where I give one of my homies butterfly kisses and it negatively affects our friendship. butterfly kisses and it negatively affects our friendship. This one's for all the fellas in the house tonight. Fellas,

that girl you like, just ask her out. I mean, the worst thing she could possibly say is, rape! Rape that That man raped me! Okay, but like, that's it. That's the worst. So just try to avoid that

and you'll be good. Fuck yeah. Ike Rafferty coming in, commanding the room, executing his jokes, very well edited, very well executed. This isn't your first rodeo. You've been doing this a little while.

Only about three or four months. Three or four months. Look at you, a natural. You have a background in acting or theater? Yeah. Right. All the way through. All the way through.

I've done nude theater, dramatic acting, all sorts of stuff. I love it. I believe it. I believe it 100%. What do you do for work? I'm a freelancer, so I do video editing, screenwriting, all sorts of stuff like that. Very cool. And you live here in Austin?

Orlando. Oh, Orlando. Look at that. What a magical, magical place. And you do freelance work in Orlando, and you still live there? Yes. You love it. Why do you stay there?

I have family there. That's just where I am currently. Right. And what do you do for fun in Orlando? I like a good electric scooter. I recently tried to make a foray into electric skateboarding and I absolutely

ate it on my first attempt. You ate the skateboard? I ate the skateboard. Jesus Christ, you're fat. Holy shit, dude. It's one of the Amipa brand. I gained like 30 pounds, so it's quite dense. The comedian before you has never fallen before in his entire life.

Yeah, until recently. I love it. Yeah, exactly. Ike, what else about you? Tell us more. I find you very, very interesting. He's got a good confidence to him. I thought of a couple fun facts before I came up here.

I thought you might ask this. I love that. Thank you. And I could only think of a couple. I love it. I was once kicked in the head by a horse. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness gracious. And then I was in the same hospital as Tupac when he died. Whoa. He died. Right. And I think it's safe to say his soul went into me, Tony.

Wow. Yeah. As you can tell, it's pretty clear. Oh my. Yeah, dude, his thing, there's a thing, because you said it, Tony, in the beginning, you were like, dude, pretty clear. Oh, my. There's a thing, because you said it, Tony, in the beginning, you were like, dude, he's obviously got some chops. There's a confidence to the way that he speaks and performs

that I'm a little bit wary of. I don't know what's going on here. It's almost a little too confident. I don't like it. It's that Tupac energy. Your theater training. It's Tupac coming through, baby. That's all it is. That California love. That's the red hot coming through, baby. That's all it is. That California love. Yeah.

That's the red hot chili peppers. Okay. I knew it was one of those guys. Very Paul Giamatti type vibe to him. You know? I love sideways. Yeah. Paul Giafatti, perhaps.

Yeah. Yeah. I got to see if that's taken on Twitter. Ike, what's your love life like? I'm sorry. I'm married to my high school sweetheart. Ooh, look at that. Yeah.

Nice guy? Yeah. He's a great fella. We love kayaking together. That's great. No kids or anything like that? Not yet, but maybe soon. Okay, and it's your high school sweetheart.

So is it the only person you've ever been with? There was one other person in high school But that's it Okay, alright And you were in high school at the same time? Yeah, yeah, yeah It wasn't like last week or anything I promise, yeah

I swear to God I don't care what any witnesses say Right You have a pair of binoculars? I sure would like one one day So if anyone has an extra one They want to lend me, please You have any fun hobbies or anything like that?

Other than electric scootering Right We get it, fat people love electric scooters It's the only way to get around, Tony I get winded after two blocks I can't go very far It is incredible. It boggles my mind that I see it all the time.

You should see me zip around 6th Street. It's impressive. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You can get a day pass for like 13 bucks. It's awesome. I can actually see you zipping around 6th Street from my high-rise apartment here downtown. I'm like, what is that? I thought, this one's for you, Tony.

Did someone roll a cannonball down the street, Tony. And I was going eight miles an hour. Did someone roll a cannonball down the street or is that Ike Rafferty? Ike, I like your style, man. I hope you come back, sign up again, give us another minute sometime. Ike Rafferty, everybody. You get a big joke book, my friend. Can I catch it in my mouth? You want to try?

I want to catch it in my mouth, Tony. Can we try? Here we go. Oh, that's the best attempt of the day. Man, if he would have caught it in his mouth, that would have been magical. You guys have had two regulars and one golden ticket winner. I have another amazing surprise for you. One of the most famous comedians in the history of the show is here. Tonight, she flew

in all the way from San Francisco for this. This is the return of Nicole Tran, everybody. The big one tonight. Big one for the long-time listeners. Guys, you got to make noise. This is a legend of Kill Tony, Nicole Tran. Good evening, everyone.

This is my 10th appearance on the Kill Tony podcast. Imagine how much money you cost me, Tony. My mother has a nickname for you, Tony. She calls you No Money. My cousin Bing Bing say hello to you man Now my cousin Bing Bing Wants to marry the president Of the Philippines Bong Bong Marcus

The wedding night is gonna be Bing Bong Bing Bong Bing Bing Bong Bong My cousin Bing Bing Bing, bing, bong, bong. My cousin Bing Bing should have been charged with a Mr. Meaner. The longer she goes without a Mr., the meaner she gets. Is that a period joke?

To beat inflation, I opened five checking accountsếu một báo, tôi báo lại. Nếu một báo, tôi báo lại. In Japan, crooked teeth is a beauty standard. In Vietnam, they like buck teeth. In Alabama, the preference is no teeth at all. To joke for you all. That's it for me.

Nicole Tran has done it again, everybody. There's a lot to cover there. I'm not exactly sure where to begin. You really have a cousin named Bing Bing? Yes! Cousin Bing Bing, man, she lies about her age for this count, man. If she goes to the movies,

she says she's 12 years old. If she goes to the museum, she says she's 65. If she goes on the museum, she say she 65. If she go on a date with a hot guy, she say M36, 24, and 36. But when he shows up, he find out she really 32, 36, and 44. Holy shit. I think I just won the Chinese lottery or something like that.

I'm not exactly sure what just happened. But I think we just hit. I love it. It's like Chinese street jokes. These are amazing. One man give a COVID to Peking duck. Everybody die. Next day people wear masks. I love the shoulder swivel. This is the most Asian looking black woman I've ever seen.

She is incredible. She is a legend. She goes to her hairstylist and asks for the Darth Vader helmet. It's very good. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm everywhere, everything, all at once. Absolutely. You are a special treat,

Nicole Tran. We love you here. That is a baller-ass necklace you have on tonight. It looks like some type of like a centerpiece for a dining room table or something like that.

It's a $10 necklace, man, at a thrift store. Wow. It's like she stole it off a front door at Thanksgiving. I take donations, man. From Goodwill.

Oh, shit. You keep this up. I'm going to call Bing Bing on you right now. Nicole, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you? Tell me more about you. How's it going out there in San Francisco? Oh, in San Francisco? Pretty cool here, man. Comparing here. When I came here, it's so hot, man. Francisco? Oh, in San Francisco? It's pretty cool

here, man, comparing here. When I came here, it's so hot, man. And I went to visit the Austin Zoo. Ah. I went to the zoo to get the leopard print bikini. But they only have my size in rhino.

Ah, you snuck another one in there. Look at you. That was a joke. You snuck a zoo. She went to the zoo and the animals tried to start feeding her. I love it. Nicole, what else is going on in life?

Do you have anything else special happening? We know that you've been doing stand-up now for how long? I've been doing it for seven years. Seven years. Absolutely. And it's your primary source of income? Is that right? Yeah, I'm trying to do it full-time now.

I also have a children's entertaining job. A what? Children's entertaining job. Do you run? I do run. They all are, Tony. I have an accent, man. What type of children's entertainment are you doing?

I create shows for them. I create bubble solution. Bumble? Bubble solution show, like bubble. Bubbles. Bubble shows. Bubble solutions. A butthole solution show.

I like it. Sign me up. Butthole solutions? Bubbles. Yeah, if you want bubbles, she solves the problem. Bubbles. Bubbles. I like it. Sign me up. Butthole solutions? Bubbles. Yeah, if you want bubbles, she solves the problem. Bubbles. Oh, my goodness.

Okay, so there's a bunch of bubble machines. Okay, very good. All right, I get it now. Man, I was like 98% sure she was saying butthole solutions. That's incredible. Bumble. Yeah, bumble solutions. That's what I heard. I have to create jokes for the children to entertain the children,

to make them laugh, man. It's like the last joke that I did for the children. We had a parrot. He's always talk. Wah! San, get up and watch. I'm coming in. That means Polly wants a rice cracker.

That's the joke I do all the time to make children laugh. To get money, man. Because you know money. So I need to get money from the children's parents. Dude, I would rather have a tranny read to my child than have her entertain him.

Unquestionably. It's taking me so much energy to not go on another Asian racist tirade right now. This is incredible. I'm really, I've learned, I've grown from my mistakes in the past. Nicole, on this very very special Independence Day of

America, the greatest country on planet Earth, I do believe you have something prepared that you wanted to do here. Is that correct? On this piece of paper here do here. Is that correct? Absolutely. On this piece of paper here you got. Is that yours? Yeah.

I love to sing the national anthem for you. Ladies and gentlemen, singing the national anthem from behind a giant piece of paper. Yoni, you might want to change your angle of attack there. This might be one of the... With a discount tag, but show respect. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the worst English speakers in the history of the show attempting to sing the national anthem on this, our birthday of America, July 4th, here in Austin, Texas.

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light What so proudly we hail At the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight A little bit faster, Nicole. And the rocker in the land And the bumper still in hand Gave proof to the night

That our flag was still there Everybody! Everybody. Oh, the land of the free And the home of the brave Wow! Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. What a performance. Unbelievably executed. One of my favorite versions of the national anthem

that I've ever heard in my entire life. She flew all the way from San Francisco for this. Make some noise for Nicole Tran, everybody. We love you, Nicole. Thank you so much, Austin, for welcoming me here, especially thanks to the Vulcan Gas Company. Please connect with me on

Instagram, Nicole Tran Comedy, N-I-C-O-L-E T-I-N Comedy. And by the way, I don't have a green car, so please do not tell anybody that you saw me here tonight. Okay, here she goes, Nicole Tran, everyone. One of the greatest national anthems. The rocket reggae, the bomb bursting in air.

There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the longest standing regular in the history of the show. The man that has accomplished more than anyone ever. The most new minutes in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only, the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, William Montgomery. Woo!

This is it, everyone. This is it, everyone. How's it going? My name is William Montgomery, and I'm running for county alderman. It's been a long time coming, but I can pinpoint the day i realized i wanted to be a politician we had this mud pit in the backyard and since i was the youngest my parents would make me get in the mud pit before everyone else to scare away the snakes one day i'd gotten into the mud pit to scare away the snakes and a big water moccasin slithered right up to me.

I was terrified. It was right in front of my face. And my dad yells, get the hell out of its way. It's going to bite you. But I just stood there, stone-faced, and I made a promise to the snake that day. And you know what that snake did? It slithered away. Old Stoneface. That's my nickname ever since. Old Stone Face, that's my nickname ever since. Old Stone Face, and if I'm elected to county alderman, I will stare down every snake, every frog, and every lizard in our great community.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! All right, I've got some policies I'd like to go over. Have you all been able to figure this out yet? Is it Santa or your parents? I'm sick of this puzzle. I have to try and figure out every December 25th. And if we're on the subject of Christmas, am I the only one totally shocked we still see Frosty the Snowman on television around Christmas time? Let me see if I've got this right. A group of kids finds a magical top hat

and puts on a snowman, causing the snowman to reanimate. Wait, where am I right now? Hell or the Twilight Zone? Get Frosty the Snowman off my TV! We're in America, not the North Pole! If I'm elected county alderman, there will be no mention of Frosty the Snowman after 2024! Okay, I've got like 15 more of these, Tony. Okay. If we're on the topic of holidays, my policy regarding Halloween is pretty straightforward. Growing up, you know the one day I couldn't go outside, Tony?

Halloween. You know why? I was the youngest, so my mom wouldn't let me go out with my brothers, and more importantly, I was scared to death. I wasn't trying to walk around outside with a bunch of demons and vampires. If I'm elected county alderman, you can rest assured we're getting rid of Halloween once and for all. Enough beating around the bush on this issue.

I mean, where am I, America, or the gates to hell? Speaking of giving our political prisoners back, hey, Germany, I'm looking at you. Tony, do you know how many American prisoners of war we still have over in Germany since our involvement in World War II? I don't know either, I was asking you. Okay, let's go on to the next policy. Okay, ma'am, I'm going to ask you this.

What do you think is currently the biggest issue facing our community? What's the biggest issue facing our community? You're right. It is that we still have elementary schools that stop at the sixth grade. If I'm elected county alderman, elementary schools will stop at the 12th grade. Hey! I have more, but it's all right.

I think we should hear all of them. I'm running for county fucking alderman! And Louis J., just for the record, I do like Puerto Ricans. Okay. When was the last time you heard about a Japanese person with a bad back, Tony? Well, if I'm elected county alderman, every new home in our community will be pre-installed with traditional Japanese short leg tables. Studies have shown that by sitting down to eat in the Japanese manner, it strengthens our back. By 2024, I want all newly built houses to have the chabudai pre-installed.

That's the name of the table. It's called a Chabudai, in case y'all didn't realize. The little Japanese tables are called Chabudais. If you ask my opponent about all this, you know what he'll tell you, Tony? That he doesn't like Japanese people. I think we're trying to move forward, sir, not backwards.

Just because his wife cheated on him with the Japanese guy doesn't give my opponent the right to take his hate speech out of the internet forums and into our community. Okay, let's get to the next one. Yeah, there's more. Is it a better one than the last one?

I don't know. We'll see. They've all been pretty screwy. Here we go. And Tony, if we're talking about hate speech in the internet forums, you know what? Yep. Let's keep it in the internet forums. Is that so hard? My opponent actually is the administrator for a forum. You know what they talk about in the forum he runs, Tony? What?

Japanese people. You know what they say about Japanese people, Tony? That they don't take as big of creative risks as American people? No, that a lot of Japanese people these days don't use the traditional short leg tables anymore, which is a patently false statement because I live with a Japanese person, and we eat at the Chapu Dai every night. Okay, that's the end of my policies.

Literally six minutes and 25 seconds of William Montgomery. We love him so much. We could never cut him so much. We could never cut him off short. Wow. I've never seen you this sweaty before in the history of your performing on this show. This is incredible. You look like

a righteous gemstone that just fell into a river. Tony, I actually smeared my head with Vaseline tonight, so I don't know what I'm going to do before I go to sleep. I guess I need to remember to jump in the shower. There's literally Vaseline all over my fucking head right now.

William, you look like how women see Louis C.K. That's a good thing, right? That's a good thing, right? It is true. You somehow look like all the characters in The Big Lebowski mushed together. It's like fear and loathing in Austin, Texas right here. I like the commitment to the bit. I've never seen him before, and this guy went balls deep on this bit.

I mean, true commitment is rolling with something that just simply isn't working at all. Yeah, I was a little horrified at the very beginning. I was a little horrified. Lewis, I have to ask you, why did you not invite me to fucking Skank Fest in Vegas, dude? William McIver, can I say something right now? You have a fucking open invite to every Skank Fest for the rest of fucking history, you piece of shit.

Oh, really? Stop your games. Yeah, you never answered me. Stop your fucking games. You're coming to Skank Fest Vegas. Okay, well, thank you. It doesn't fucking games You're coming to Skyfest Vegas Okay, well thank you I love you Stop it

Stop these games Give me a kick, dude Let me see what you got under there, bro He's about to pull out the little red machine This is a bad idea My thing's gonna pop out Now we saw the moment he stops committing. Come here, pussy.

If you want to see his bush, you can just look at the lady's armpits from before. Okay, we're not doing that. Lewis, what's the game plan on this one? I'm going to whip your freckly cock out right now in front of everybody in Austin, Texas. I'm fucking sweating so hard right now. It is absolutely incredible. He is dripping sweat everywhere.

Tony, is that the same suit company that you guys in Hans and Joe Rogan? I don't think so. I don't think we got them from the under... I got this from Goodwill yesterday. What the fuck does that mean, Red Band? You dumbass. Why the fuck would you ask me that? Obviously, William William fresh off of

a day at the funeral home working hard. Where did you get that suit from William? I got it from Goodwill yesterday. You really did? Yeah. Oh my goodness. And you found one that fits. How about that? This is a whole new look for you. Whole new look. It was $40. Wow.

Absolutely incredible. $40 for this fucking nightmare of a set tonight. I paid $40 to make a fool of myself up here tonight. In front of Louis J., my man who never responded to me. The sweat is overwhelming. Open invite, William. What else can I say? The sweat is overwhelming. Did you do something. What else can I say? The sweat is overwhelming.

Did you do something different with your diet this week, William? Yeah, I actually. Literally dripping off of his eyebrows, onto the glasses, onto the lower part of his face. We watch him every week. We've never seen anything like this before. He literally may be days away from a massive heart attack. I actually started doing cocaine again! Why the fuck are people cheering for that?

That would be very bad. They think you're going to die here tonight. Is that why people were cheering? Yeah, it's almost frightening how much you're sweating. Oh my tonight. Is that why people were jeering? Yeah. It's almost frightening how much you're sweating. Oh my god. Look at that drop. Right there in the middle. I feel it. Did you see that? It's insane. It's literally like a fucking

Niagara Falls up there or something. My whole body is sweating like this. What did you do differently this week? You are definitely your body is trying to tell you something. He's wearing a three-piece suit in 100-degree weather. It literally looks like in those old SNL sketches when they would have a tube running off the top of their head.

Like overly, obnoxiously sweating, but this is all natural. This is real. What did you do this week? Tell us the truth. Oh, man. Do you really want to know? Yeah. You really want to know? Yeah. How many of you want to know what he did this week? Y'all really want to fucking know what I started doing

differently this week? I started playing Hopscotch. Yeah, I've been sweating a whole shit ton playing Hopscotch. Have you ever played that? It's like a Playgrounds game. Playgrounds game. The more we mention your sweat, the more it makes you sweat, right?

Yeah, I'm literally horrified that that was a nightmare tonight. I spent so much time on it. It was a horrible disaster and now I literally can't stop sweating. I think it's because of the Vaseline I put on my fucking head. I thought that'd be funny putting Vaseline on my fucking head. But it's just making me uncontrollably sweat.

There are droplets of sweat flowing down his forehead. And I taste it. It's all in my mouth. It tastes like Vaseline in my fucking mouth right now. All he has to do to look... After a horrible fucking set, now all I can fucking taste is Vaseline. You want to get the flavor out of your mouth? Can I throw a grape in your mouth? We haven't made it in anybody's

mouth tonight. It's a little bit too much. Here, I got it. I got it. Oh. William, open your mouth. Don't throw it hard. Stop doing that, Red Band. Oh, my God. Oh, almost.

Open your mouth. Open it up. Over here. We have to be able to do this. This isn't working. This isn't working. And I can't stop fucking sweating! This is making me sweat so much!

This isn't working! Stop throwing it hard! Okay, the sweat's in my eyes now. Okay. Okay. I can't do it. William, open your mouth. Okay.

William. I can't do it. William, keep trying. Don't stop playing music. Do not stop playing music right now. Yeah, don't stop playing. Okay. William. William! William!

We did it! Oh my god! Y'all see that shit? Wow, very good, sir. All right. We did it. We did it. The people love it.

Did you guys have fun here tonight, huh? We are the number one live podcast in the world. Look out. Be ready for everything. There is the 10-year anniversary of Kill Tony, June 2023, coming soon. Big announcement on the way of where and how that's going to go down. It is going to be literally our biggest show of all time. The venue has been locked in.

It's all happening. Who wants a bag of charcuterie out there? Anybody? Somebody there? There you go. How loud can this place get for the great Louis J. Gomez and Aaron Berg? Catch them doing stand-up comedy on the Offend Everyone Tour. Louisofskanks.com for tickets

Berg's Bass on the Gas Digital Network and of course Legion of Skanks and the Real Ass Podcast with the joke sniper Zach Amico, thank you Lewis as always, thank you Aaron the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in it is incredible

he draws every episode, every print is available at ryanjebelt.com. How about one more time for the band, everybody? Screwball, peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony band. This has been Kill Tony, brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, and of course Deep Eddie Vodka. And now also the Hotel

Grand Duca, where you can save 25% off by using the promo code KILLTONY when you come to visit on a Sunday or Monday night. The official KILTONI after party starts now here right where you're at. Thank you guys so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.お祭りのTシャツお世話にのまきなど お祭りの花火 恥ずかしい お祭りのお祭り 自分がいるなら お祭りのお祭り I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light

I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light I will be your light Terima kasih telah menonton! Thank you. you you