KILL TONY - #567 - MARY LYNN RAJSKUB

Episode Date: July 23, 2022

Mary Lynn Rajskub, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/11/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY 

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also.

So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff.

Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ["Kill Tony"] Hey, this is Ryan from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony HinchCliff! Austin, Texas, so you guys ready for the best goddamn Monday night of your lives or what? Little bit janky there. You guys ready for the best fucking Monday of your lives? There you go. That's better. Red Band's here, everybody.

The guy that was on the first podcast ever with Peter and Paul and everybody. How about a hand for the fucking band, huh? This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, two of the best strip clubs in the world, are here in Austin, Texas. Also, Deep Eddie Vodka, the best vodka in the world. I implore you to order it from your seats

where you're at here at some point during the night. This is the greatest band in the land. That's the Kill Tony band. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, everybody. Paul Deemer on the horns. Matt Mueling on guitar. And that's the great D-Madness on the bass, everybody. The Kill Tony band, brought to you by Screwball,

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YoKratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, we have one of the best comedians in the world on this show. This week is no different. This week is special. This is a goddamn monster. This is one of my favorite comedians on planet earth.

One of my sisters in comedy at the comedy store. A true paid regular. You might know her from a great many, many things. It's always sunny in Philadelphia. 24, Mr. Show, Little Miss Sunshine, two broke girls, dirty work, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, dude wears my car, legally blonde, punch drunk love, Gilmore girls, it's the one and only, Mary Lynn Reiskov.

Wow. Oh my God. One of the best in the world here in Austin, Texas, tonight with us. Her brand new book, Payment. My life at the edge of stardom is for sale now, absolutely everywhere.

And you can get a signed copy by going to MaryLynne, MaryLynne.com, MaryLynne, welcome back. Thank you for that intro. It wasn't that nice. It was so nice. You are truly. So many credits. It is incredible.

And I skipped over some. I skipped over some. The Larry Sanders show. I mean, nobody gives a fuck. It's unbelievable. Everyone's like, what is that? A show from the olden times when there was only TV. News radio.

When cable TV. Two broke girls, night school. It's crazy. It's crazy. I wrote them all down because I thought it was hilarious. How many great credits you have. Thank you. While I'm in Austin, I'm also going to be

touring some of those strip clubs. I'm doing the older sad moms night. Older single unhinged sad moms. I'm going to, I'm going to, so I'm going to hit that circuit. I love it. I'll sign my book. If you bring it, I'll sign it with what? I'll sign it with.

Catcher at the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. All week. Thank you for that. I had no reference point. Yeah. It's literally our biggest sponsor since day one of being in Austin. Okay, I'm in.

The strip club was the one that's like, we will do anything. We'll give you any amount of money, whatever you guys want. We just want to be involved. We're like, oh, Jesus, relax. Okay. A little bit pushy for people from a strip club.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm so excited to have you here. We're going to have so much fun. You've done this show before. You guys know how it works. A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds uninterrupted of standup comedy

on this stage. They've been waiting some of them days, months, years for this moment. It might not even happen because their name's just on a piece of paper in a fucking bucket. You see? It's a bunch of names on papers.

And if I pull it out, they have to do 60 seconds. You know, they're times up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger with Hollywood Bear, which just interrupts them and it's annoying.

It's just a way to get them to stop talking. It rarely happens, but it could happen at any point. And then I interview the people we talk with them. We find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised and that's it. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Huh? There's a few regulars on this show. This is a prestigious position where you get to watch literally some of our favorite comedians grow right before your very eyes. This young man that is going to kick off tonight's show is one of my favorite regulars of all time.

He started on the show a year ago living in a van. I mean, absolutely completely poor, struggling, wasn't able to eat, wasn't getting any girls anywhere remotely around him. Now, he's coming off a weekend performing at the MGM Garden Arena in Las Vegas wearing a $3,000 suit bought for him by Joe Rogan. Flying on jets, has a new car, has a new apartment.

His life has changed. He's a headliner now. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Hey.

It's good to be here in Texas. I was just in Florida and holy shit. I thought people in Texas were dumb. Like, dumb without any of the aggression. It's like a bunch of manatees over there. But good to be here in Texas. Abortion is illegal. Sorry, ladies.

You're going to have to hold it in like a shit. We've all been there. It's not that hard. I'm glad abortion is illegal now. Parents won't be so smug. Oh, I got so much meaning in my life from motherhood, bitch. Everyone on 6th Street is a mother. No one gives a fuck.

But, uh, love the ladies. You know, I'm dating online, uh, which is weird, because that's also where I jerk off the porn. One minute I'm like, oh, yeah, she's got jizz in her hair. I love that shit. The next moment I'm like, dearest Amanda, what color is your hair? All right, that's my time.

Thank you very much. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Likes both porn and dating on the internet. I've heard of don't shit where you eat, but that's like, don't whack where you snack or something. Hans Kim, welcome back. Another killer new minute.

You make it look so easy every single week. You have a brand new deep Eddie vodka shirt, extra plug, deep Eddie vodka. Hello. How are you this week? I'm great. I just got back and hanging out with my ex recently, so that's healthy.

Which ex? Which ex is this? Is this the murdering stripper from Detroit? No, this is the non-murdering musical theater artist. Very good singing voice. She's the one that sang, my God is an awesome God while I massage gunned her pussy. Oh, wow.

Oh, my goodness. Is she... We have heard of this woman before. Now, you're really plugging that she has a good singing voice this week. Did she tell you to say nice things about her or something like that? No, I just, you know, want to keep hanging out with her. Is she here tonight? Probably.

Why don't you find out? Call her name, ask her if she's here. Rachel, are you here right now? Ooh, there's a bunch of fake Rachel's here. This is like that page on Waldo where everybody's dressed kind of like Waldo. She's got a great singing voice. She's got another hour of karaoke and she always upstages me.

Oh, wow. Which I kind of hate. Wait, quick question. Were you talking about doing stuff on her pussy a minute ago? Yeah, massage gunned. Massage gunned. Thank you. But you don't know if she's here or not.

What kind of relationship is that? You just hit it and then you don't know where each other is at. I like it. Hit it and forget it. What happened last week calling her a bitch, that dumb bitch? I can't believe I broke up with her, fuck her, all that stuff. What? Whoa.

Ryan. Bread Ban. Ryan, we're building bridges, not tearing them down. Bread Ban, you can't throw him under the bus. It's too much yellow for her. Oh, come on. Oh, I can do these jokes again now. I'm off probation.

It's been a year and two months. Get over yourselves. I love it. Okay. Hans, so you talked about Florida. What'd you do in Florida? I opened up for the great Michael Yeo. He was very nice to me.

He's half black, half Korean. So he's what I could have been if my mom fucked a black guy. Wow. That's an interesting way of looking at it. I mean, I hang out with a lot of mixed-race people. I never quite think of it that way. I guess we all could have been kind of like that. Do you think your mom's only had sex with your dad?

I hope so. Whoa. Wow. Why do you say you hope so? Why is that? You want your mom to have a very, very nice pussy? Yeah. I'm just saying, like, if one...

Enjoyed by others? Yeah, just one penis the whole time. One Asian penis. Yeah. She should take her joy from raising me, not cock. Right. Right. Okay.

He's very autistic. For those of you that don't know, you can't tell where the Asian starts and the autistic ends or something like that. Are you really dating online? No, that was just a hilarious joke. Very good. Yes, I agree.

I agree. I agree. Like, the abortion, hold it in like a shit. Big points for that one. And you're hanging out with this girl again. So, like, what is the plan? Like, what's going on with her? Because you guys were together, you broke up.

It's back and forth. Yeah, I mean, we're just playing it by ear, just like, you know, taking it easy and, you know, having sex whenever we can. Right. You always use a condom, right? Yes. You're famous for using condoms.

We've talked about this before. What kind of condom do you use? The one that you buy on Amazon. What do you mean? Like, the cheapest one in bulk or something like that? We use the skin condoms. She bought the skin with a Y. Skims, condoms?

Yes, skins. Skims. Interesting. What's so special about the skin condom? It comes in a black wrapper with gold lettering. It seems like we're, you know, like, Romans. Right. So it's like a magnum, but for small penises.

They're not latex. Hold on. We're going with our senior condom correspondent, Matt Mueling here, who... We're out in the field. Tell us, what is the difference? He literally hasn't spoken out loud for nine weeks, but talking about condoms, he's like, Well, actually, they have a...

Actually, they have a different diameter than the Trojan condoms. Technically, they're not Roman at all. I love it. Hans, anything else crazy going on? I did the LOL San Antonio. Thank you for coming. It sold very well. Thank you, Tony, for having me and making me lots of money.

Right. Your life has completely changed since being on this show, correct? Yeah. And you owe that all to one person and one person only. That is correct. Okay, thank you. We did it again. Kicking off the show, Hans Kim, everybody.

That's right. A boy whose life was changed. No big deal. He did all the work. You have to be hilarious to take a ball and run with it like that. He did it, not me. Okay, to the bucket we go. This is where shit gets interesting.

We're all going to meet somebody together at the same time. The first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of CJ Byron. CJ Byron. Here he is. Oh my goodness. Hell yes. CJ Byron. Holy shit.

God bless America. Am I right? Oh man, you guys are going to like this one. So I found out recently the other day I'm not actually the blackest person in my friend group. Now I'm not talking about skin color black because obviously I'm like blood diamond black. You know what I mean? I'm like Wesley Snipes or something like that. I'm talking about being nigger-ish is what I'm talking about.

So my buddy Sean, he has a face tattoo that probably should have gave it away. But we're going over our Spotify wrap up playlist and he was like, he had 21 Savage, young Dolf, all this stuff. And then he looks at mine. He's like, dude, who's Lady Gat Gat? And I'm like, bro, first of all, you're not going to talk about Lady Gaga like that. You piece of shit. And so we're not friends anymore, but not for the reason that you think he's in jail right now for, I think, child endangerment and murder and some other stuff like that. But yeah, that's the end of that story.

Holy shit. CJ Byron with 60 seconds. Hell yeah. CJ, you've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, I was. And you've changed a little bit since the last time I saw you. A little bit, a little bit, you know. At the rate that you're changing, I think you're going to have a Netflix special in like two months.

I don't know what's going on. This is wild. You're like a trans Francis Nagano. This is going to be in my nightmares tonight. This is the man that rapes me in my nightmares tonight without a doubt. It's not rape if you like it. You know what I'm saying? You're goddamn right.

Oops. Oops, I pushed back. I pushed back during my own rape. I love it. CJ Byron, you are famous on these streets here in Austin. You are known as Black Jesus. The real Black Jesus, yeah. Tizai, Tizai ladies and gentlemen.

You can literally see him going from bar to bar on a nightly basis. He is a giant Black alcoholic. Am I right? Uh, yeah, yeah. I also like sex too, so. Oh. Not just alcohol. Okay.

What type of people are you banging dressed like lamb chops play along exactly? Uh, most of the people I bang, I'm like, I really just bang a lot of white women. Black girls don't really like me. Hey, what's up? How are you? How are you doing? You know what's up. Oh, shit.

What's your reindeer's name? Mr. Kitty Bibbles. Looks like, looks like Mary Lynn's going to be an in whole new project. I support the process. Yeah, I got a big project coming up. I'm going to be in Austin for a little while working on a project. You're going to move here after this, baby. Oh, my goodness.

I think Black Jesus is going to give you the second coming. You know what I'm saying? Oh, we've activated the backlight. It's going to be one of those long nights, people. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. I'm just trying to see if I still have feelings down there. So let's go. A first coming would be fine.

I take a first coming. Hell yeah. Some of that Larry Sanders show pussy down there. Oh, shit. I love it. Okay, CJ, remind us, what exactly do you do for work? So I run my uncle's bar on West 6th Street, Wild. Okay.

So yeah, pretty much just do that when I'm not drunk as fuck. Okay, cool, cool. Our relationship's slipping away fast. Oh, I'm a rapper too. Really? Are you a rapper? I'm back in. What's your rap name?

Black Jesus. Okay, that makes sense. Can you do a little rap for us? You want a beat from the band or something? I'm interested to see what the... Oh yeah, I'll do a little razzle dazzle. You want to cook it up? Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. All right, we're going to start like this. Everybody wave from left to right or side to side? Oh, wow. I can't believe I made you guys do that. It's like a yoga ball. Well, my name is Black Jesus, and that is that. I look a little bit just like Shaq,

or I look like I came out of an Oreo pack because I'm black on the outside, and that's that. All my friends are white because I'm dope as shit. White woman bow to me and suck our dicks. Holy shit. My God. Wow. We have come so far from the times of slavery.

I am telling you, I mean, I'm telling you just a couple hundred years ago that that guy was rapping about white girls sucking his dick. I'm pretty sure. I think that's what happened to Emmett, too, or something, right? They would have to find a very large tree for a man like you. Let's go. CJ is laughing.

You woke white people should be spoiler alert. Get with it, East Siders. I love it. Yeah, I'm figuring out the geography of Austin as of late. I'm doing the fucking math. I can tell when East Siders are here that fucking bought their first house. You know what I mean?

I fucking, I got a good deal. Anyway, CJ Byron, so you like to get drunk? Like, what's like a wild night for you? What's a wild night? I see you have red, white, and blue in your hair. It is like July 21st or something like that. So, like, how would you do for Independence Day? Oh.

Oh, shit. Okay. So, as you can recall from the last time I was here, I like to take a shot out of girls' asses. So, we're on the boat, and I stacked these three girls on top of each other and was taking shots out of their butthole and just getting all the, like, water falling in.

Wow. Fucking America, bro. Wow. So, wait a second. Hold on a second, because I'm... I'm gonna quit our relationship before it starts. And also, I'm not sure if I should be here right now. I gotta go.

Yeah. Shots out of girls' assholes. Like, that's incredible. I mean, I've heard it deep, Eddie, but... Does that mean it goes in and out? Can you explain? No, no. It's like a waterfall.

Like, it just... Oh. Like, at a wedding. Yeah. So, you get under it. So, what you do, you want to stand this way so that their pussy blocks your eyes from getting the alcohol in it.

Because if you do this way, the alcohol might jizz you in the eye. So, you want to go this way. Then you have pink eye forever. No, my eyes don't get pink. Right. What kind of alcohol do you use? Do you like a Yeagermeister?

No, Cosmigos. I've been trying to give them to sponsor me, but they do not like the asshole shots. I think you should use screwball. I think you put... Screwball? Peanut butter whiskey. I'll pick a peanut butter jelly, baby.

You know what I'm saying? These poor girls, man. They have, like, yeast infections. Okay, thank you, Red Band. Very good for your contributions to the show. Very good. Girl, yeast infection. Am I right, baby?

That's just a thing, Red Band. Comedically speaking, shall we say the style is drunk? Energy? Outfit? Out of all the people that I know, out of all the comedians that I know take shots out of assholes, you're the best.

That's what I think. What else about you? Give me one more thing, CJ. Tell us something we haven't talked about before that sets you apart from all these other humans. I mean, my life's dope. I do dope shit, so I think that's... Like what?

Give us another one. Shots out of assholes. By the way, where do you do these July 4th shots out of assholes? Oh, Lake Austin. Lake Austin. Yeah. You're on a boat, because I know you're not swimming. This motherfucker sinks like an anchor, my friends.

I promise you that. It was funny. I grew up with a pool, but I can't fucking swim. I bet. I bet. Absolutely. It's pretty crazy. What do you do?

You get floaties and go out there or something? No, so I actually have a life vest that has a picture of God on it that says Black Jesus. Oh, my goodness. It's like a thing. I'm very scared of water, like... Indeed. Is it bulletproof as well?

Black Jesus does not walk on water. Noted. Noted. Copy that. Copy that. He turns water into Kovaceae. He takes part in the Last Supper. Oh, shit.

That's hilarious. Yeah, I can't think of any other ones. Oh, something cool about me. I met the president twice. And the first time I met him, I was in the Army, but the second time I met him, he actually remembered me. So he was like, hey, CJ. Well, the former president, not the guy.

Are you not going to say which president? Donald Trump. Donald Trump, my boy DJ. Okay. It's my boy. All right. We go way back. You're a fan of him.

You've met him. Hell, yeah. That's my boy. He met my daughter. I got a picture of him holding one of my daughters and shit. Wow. That did not go over well. I probably shouldn't...

This all tracks. This all tracks. They were like... They were like, oh, you know that again. And I was like, fuck our dicks, dude. I'm like, fuck. Wow. I don't even know what any of that means.

You should just jerk off on your own daughter there for a second. That was crazy. Are they happy or sad in that scenario? Did Trump remember you the second time? Yeah, yeah. The second time. Yeah, it was pretty cool. So like, I always make jokes with him.

We love Black Jesus. We love him. Best Jesus is the bill. It's the Black Jesus. We love him. You love him. They put him right in the front row with a T-shirt. Yeah.

Get in front of the camera. Black Jesus is for Donald Trump. I love it, CJ. Well, and let's talk about this stand-up thing for a second before I let you go. How many times have you done... Do you do this regularly? No, only on here. I did it the first time was the last time I was here and then this time.

I love it. This is your second time ever doing comedy. You sort of did it. You're better at the interview part than you are at the... I think this part will be funny part. But I love it, dude. You have an incredible charisma. You're ridiculously comfortable on stage.

You know what's up. And you are. You did more dope shit tonight. Thank you. Thank you, you know. There you go. CJ Byron, everybody. CJ, take one of these.

Did you get one of these before? Here, give me that back then. You already have one. Take it. Chris Rogers Art. Oh, yeah. Chris Rogers Art. He's another guy that's here.

Chris Rogers is drawing tonight. I forgot to mention. Ryan Jehebel drawing tonight's episode all the way from Los Angeles, California. Chris Rogers over there starting an iconic picture of William Montgomery. Back to the bucket we go. Sit together. We will meet Lorena Reyna. Everybody.

Lorena Reyna is next. Here. Live. Kill Tony. Austin, Texas. Here comes Lorena Reyna. You guys having fun yet, huh? All right.

Here she is. One more time for Lorena, everybody. I've never been in a relationship before because at any time I get close, I choke. Or specifically, I ask to be choked. But, you know, I'm out there. I'm trying. Anybody on more than three dating apps? Just me?

Okay. So I feel like guys always say they're looking for someone adventurous, but what they really mean is someone to go to a craft brewery and do anal, which like, sure. But like, I think I'm adventurous, but like I learn how to, you know, cook in the dark because I didn't pay my electric bill. Not so much living paycheck to paycheck as moment to moment. But yeah, I feel like girls, have you noticed there's a lot of guys that have pictures holding fish?

It's like the only time they ever take a picture. But I like it because it shows that they're looking for the big one. So it's not going to be a catch and release situation. All right. Lorena Reyna, keep that microphone. We're going to talk for a second here. This is your first time on this show, correct? Awesome.

Welcome. Welcome. The crowd absolutely loves you. You're super likable. You are a very, very, very likable lady. You know what I mean? Thank you. Lorena, how long have you been doing stand up comedy?

May 1st. May 1st is when you started. So all right, I'll do the math for you. It's been two and a half months. Very good. May 1st. What made you want to start on May 1st? I don't know.

Just when I did, my best friend just moved here to Austin. I'm from here. But I did an open mic in Florida. And that was kind of what kicked it off. Right. And this open mic in Florida. What were you doing in Florida at the time? She was moving here.

So it was helpful. Oh, your best friend. You guys hook up? No. No, it's not like that. True best friend. Right. Okay.

I mean, I'm just trying to figure out what he would wait until she moved here to start here. Yeah. I don't know. Just like the way it lined up. Okay. All right. And okay.

What do you do for work? How do you make money? I drive for Uber. Oh, shit. Okay. All right. Just strictly driving for Uber. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Anything crazy ever happened in your Uber car? What kind of car do you have? So right now I'm driving a Toyota Avalon. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right.

You're Mexican, correct? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's the other half? White. Whoa. Half Mexican, half white.

Yeah. Okay. The old flour tortilla. Right. That's my favorite snack. That was a good one. That was a good one. I never said before that was the first thought of it in the moment.

That's a whole day's work right there. Lorena Reina. Yeah. So which one's Mexican? Which one's a white father, Mexican mother? No. Whoa. The rare Mexican father, white mother.

Exactly. Wow. So what was wrong with your mother? You know what I'm saying? No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. Yeah. You got it.

You have a lot of brothers and sisters? Only child. Only Mexican child. Whoa. I didn't realize we had a fucking leprechaun on stage, everybody. Oh my goodness. An only child. Wow.

Jeez. Your father's still alive? No. Ah. You see that? That's the only way you could have an only child is if the father dies very soon after having you. Am I correct?

A few years? Sixteen. Sixteen. All right. That's okay. So he was. But divorced at eight. Oh.

Okay. How'd he die? How'd your father die? Uh, throat cancer. Ooh. Was he a heavy smoker? Uh, at a time in his life. Yeah.

Alcohol more though. Oh, okay. All right. Throwback to Black Jesus over there finding out alcohol has some catches to it. Are you really on three dating apps? Yeah. Dating apps. I mean, Tinder, Hinge and Bumble.

How did these work out for you? You go on a lot of dates? No. No. Your last date. Like how does that go? I'm always so intrigued by people that meet each other on apps. It seems like a.

It has been a while. Yeah. Um, I had one scheduled and then he got COVID. So. Right. Right. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He got COVID. So you have to pick sometimes either you get COVID or you get catfished. You know what I mean? You have to take a hard decision. He chose COVID on this one. Uh, I love it.

Um, so, but what was the last date that you went on? Like what'd you do? Did you go to a movie? Do you, do you pick the guys up since you're a new per driver? I'll pick you up. Yeah, exactly. I'm already on the road. Yeah.

No, it really has been a while on the, on the dating front. Yeah. Okay. Very good. Um, Lorraine, Lorraine. So what do you do for fun? What are you into? You seem like the type of girl that has like.

I like to play golf. Really? You're a golfer? I know. Wait, no? Yeah. No, I know. I'm just like, I don't want to tell you.

I like all the things that you like to do. You know, but I really do like to play golf. Really? How long have you been playing golf for? Uh, I mean, since my dad was alive. Oh, okay. He was a scratch golfer. His dad was a groundskeeper at a public course.

So he played night golf. Wow. And so he taught me. And then I played in like college, not like on a team, but like in a class. Okay. Did he wake you up? Get you out of bed? Take you out at night to golf?

Yeah. You had to go in the middle of the night? I mean, you know, or like throw golf balls and be like, don't be afraid. It's going to hit you. I hit him with a golf cart one time. Oh my goodness. Gracious. Incredible.

So other than golf, what else? Um, I mean, like a hike and swim. Right. The outside. Right. Okay. How about at night? Like nightlife?

Lorena Reina? I drive to make money. You drive to make money at night time? Yeah. So I like to drink and go out and party. Craziest thing that's ever happened in your Uber car? Um, you seem like the type of person that's a veteran of the game. I'm guessing over 2,000 rides.

Am I correct? Yeah. I'm a platinum driver. Wow. Um. I'm a genius. I can look at an Uber driver and guess just from looking at them, how many drives they've given.

I actually had never been hit on and asked out until this last weekend. Whoa. What happened? And it was back to back. Oh my God. I was like, I don't know what energy I'm putting out. Right. But.

Black guys? No. No? Mexican. Mexican. Oh, geez. Yeah. Trailer park.

Really? You dropped them off at trailer parks? One trailer park, one East side. Oh, the lowest of the low. Pre gentrification. Yeah. Wow. Oh, wait, Tony.

Yes. Um, I saw you at the seller in LA. Uh-huh. The comedy store. Yeah. Right. And, um, you did this incredible joke. Uh-huh.

About like Australian burgers. Yeah. Peanut butter dog burgers. Yeah. Chicken sandwich. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. It was great.

I stopped doing it. It never ended up getting on anything. I know. Yeah. I love that joke. Yeah. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it.

What do you want to do? I have other good new material. I told you. It's just the one time she saw me. There's other stuff. It was two nights in a row and I talked to you at the bar and you were like, why would you ever try to see me two nights in a row? And I was like.

Yeah. The comedy store tends to be more of like a workout place. Right. Maybe you would tweak a few words here and there. But like, yeah. But it was good. Both nights. Yeah.

Right. Excellent. Yeah. I get comedians, every comedian and anyone who says a different is lying. Every comedian's scared of someone seeing them two nights in a row. Because it's like, it's sort of like, it's like going to see the same magician two nights in a row. And it's like, wait, are you keeping an eye on like, you know where the pigeons are coming

from and shit. You know what I mean? Like you're trying to figure out the trick. I've told it to so many Australians though and they always love it. I love it. Well, Lorena, anytime you want to, anytime you want to come see my new material at one of these Rogan shows, I'll make sure that the door guys let you in. Thanks.

There you go. Lorena Reina, everybody. Come back. Lorena, sign up again. Here. Take a little joke book. You're just getting started. The youthful career has begun of Lorena Reina, one of the funniest Uber drivers on Planet

Earth. Oh, she went a sweetheart. She is. Very likable. I don't want to make fun of her, even though she's shaped like a Mexican cannonball. I didn't say that though. You just did. I said, oh fuck, I just said it.

You guys want a special treat, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, in the history of the show as we've traveled around the world doing theater in Europe, Australia and every American's major city and Canadian major city, there's only been seven golden ticket winners. There's only been one here in Austin, Texas. He's back. Very, very special boy from Toronto, Canada. Make some noise for Jared Nathan, everybody.

Oh, he's very serious tonight. He's a very serious man. This is a brand new minute from a golden ticket winner, Jared motherfucking Nathan. Threesomes, you never hear about the bad ones. I was kicked out because I was staring at the other woman too much because I have a wandering eye and a lot of nurses. My ex was nicknamed a town bike because she fucked everybody because she was in a wheelchair. I preferred dating women in wheelchairs because I don't like to click and drive.

I was sitting in a lap wiping her jaw from my face while the nurse posted us down the street. It was the worst, but it won't be the last. I'll be back. Wow. Two minutes of time, one minute of material, one minute of working it out. You know how it goes? Hell yes.

Jared Nathan, the return yet again. Welcome, my friend. Thank you, Tony. Was any of that true? Have you had a threesome? These girls are all down to the fuck. Yeah, I did it again. Oopsie-daisy.

Boom. Another one. Welcome. What do you got to do if you wanted to check for disabilities, you know? Is that true that you hooked up with a girl in a wheelchair? It's not a true story, yes. Yes, based on a true story, I promise. Based on a true story.

So there was a girl, maybe there was or wasn't a wheelchair. It was a wheelchair. There was a wheelchair, but it's based on a true story. So what part isn't real? When you say it's based on a true story, that's- It is a true story, but I just, you know how it is. No, I don't. You know comedy, Tony.

Yeah, but I'm curious. Now we're in the post-interview part. I know how comedy works, but I'm asking you, like, what part is embellished? Like, what did you exaggerate or make up? What part of that? None of it. Whoa, Jesus Christ. Is that the horny bitch in the wheelchair over there?

Let's go, baby, let's go. Oh my goodness. Is she over there? Who says such a thing? That is wild. Now she can walk. It's a miracle. She can walk.

She's got legs. What kind of, why was she in a wheelchair? Like, what kind of, what was she- Yeah, what did she have? Yeah. She was in a wheelchair. Do we oppose it? Whoa!

Oh my God, you guys are going to get together and make a fucking pretzel or something like that. Holy shit. Holy shit. Imagine if you got her pregnant, they'd be like, we need to legalize abortion again. We'll make an exception for this one. Yikes. Your honor, exhibit A, exhibit B.

Oh my goodness, gracious. I heard posy girls are easy. Is that true? Wow. Red Band is going to the deep waters tonight. Let's just say people with special needs are 20 times hornier than normal people. Is that true? 100%.

Special needs people are hornier than normal people? 100%. That's why Red Band's so horny all the time. This makes sense. He's a horny, horny boy. You just see the orgies of Special Olympics. The orgies that are at, they have the orgies at the Special Olympics? Yes.

Oh my God. Man, I would try to watch a video of that, but I imagine the camera's pretty shaky at those things. Wow. They have orgies at the Special Olympics. Have you ever thought about being a Special Olympian, Jared? I've never asked you. I was.

You were a Special Olympian? What did you do? Did you do the egg on the spoon run or something like that? You played hockey, remember? You guys had a big hockey league. I swam. I swam. Oh my goodness.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That is incredible. I cannot picture you out there swimming. Were you good?

He just made a sense. I want some raisins. I want some raisins. Yeah. He just goes in circles. It's not. Red Band. Oh my goodness.

What type of swimming would you do? I did a freestyle, a backstroke, the butterfly. The butterfly. The butterfly. Yes. All right. You've been in Austin now. You've been visiting now.

This time you've been here for a couple of weeks. What have you been doing for fun around town? You love Austin. I see you all the time at my favorite coffee shop and at my barbecue place and all these barbecue. I'm just trying to stay out of this fucking heat. Right. Right.

Yeah. It's hotter than a fucking special Olympics orgy out there. I'm shaped like a pony. I'm shaped. Sweatin' like a palsy girl in a wheelchair right now, you know what I mean? I have an ice cream body. I'm out in the fucking sun. You have an ice cream body?

Yes. Okay. No. I like your popsicle. I like your skinny bitch. I saw that coming. I saw that coming. Oh, you son of a bitch.

Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, I swear to God, I swear to God, if you were a bit less special, I would. I love Austin. Tony, I love everything. Tell us more. Tell us what you've been doing for fun. I know you get out. You barely stay at home.

We found out last week that you went to the Red Rose and spent $20 over six hours of time. This man stretched out a $20 bill. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? Is that a dollar a song every three or four songs? Yes. Yes, it is $20 over six hours. That is unheard of, showing that he's both Jewish and a little retarded.

Literally. But I mean, what kind of bouncer's going to kick this guy out, right? What kind of soul would you have to not have to let this little boy, $20 six hours probably came 15 times in that time. Do you have a favorite stripper there? Yeah, you do. Ladies and gentlemen, here she comes, hitting the stage, it's Brenda. I love it.

Any highlights of your strip club visit or anything like that? Was there anything? You have a, you get a lap dance or anything like that? You got a couple lap dances for $20. I just, I might spend a little more than $20, but you know. Oh, you just told people you only spent $20. I don't give away all my secrets. I love it.

He didn't even stutter during that part. Do you hear that? He's fucking serious. I don't give away all my secrets, Tony. Jesus. Tony. Yeah. I love this show.

Yeah. I just want to keep coming back here, but I need something from you. Oh boy. What do you need? I need a lot of deployment. Okay. Yeah. Because I want to work here.

Okay. And I love to do shows with you when I come back in November. Okay. I love to do shows on my birthday. Baby mama. Oh, birthday. I love to do. Because I love us.

I want to keep coming back. Okay. You want to see me come back? Everybody wants you back. And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have, because I don't even think I have the power, I mean, I don't even know how that stuff works, but if I can't do it, I'll have this place do it, this actual venue. I'll have Balkan Gas Company write a letter for you.

Whatever it takes. I want to come back. I want to rock the stage. Open over again. Whatever I can do, I'll do that for you. Yeah. Thank you. What else Jared?

Anything else? I'm gonna sing. Oh, I leave the stage. Okay. What is it? Hold on. Hold on. Oh, shit.

What's happening? He's got a gun. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. He's got a water gun. One more thing. One more thing. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. What's the sound? I just started out. It breaks down. I forgot to tell you.

I thought it Voice isn't loud enough to keep me here. I had friends I wasn't buying from. I wasn't buying. I didn't. I thought I was paid. You know what I'm saying? It's unfortunate that he was fired. By God, it is.

And then he's got to throw it away. You know? He's a lot of money to pay his debts. He's a good man. One more thing. And he's get whipped in the face over his face. Yeah.

I'm proud. Yeah. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. I mean, unbelievable. The guy just drops the microphone. Disrespect?

No respect whatsoever. Jared Nathan paying homage to the beastie. Bubba, bubba, bubba, bubba, bubba boys. Absolutely incredible. And you know, funny thing, Tony. He's been practicing that song for like a week. Are you serious? How do you know this?

Because Jason Rouse told me he's like, we worked together seven hours on this song. He's going, and he better not fuck it up. And then he just stares right at Mary Lynn from two feet away from her with sunglasses on. Oh my God. That's one of the most special sets we've ever seen here. No copyright strike.

You guys ready to go back to this bucket, huh? Here we go. We're going to meet another one. Who knows? This could be the next Golden Ticket winner next. It could be the worst set in the history of the show. Anything can happen. Your next comedian goes by the name of Kate Hermsen, everyone.

Make some noise for Kate, everybody. Guys, one more time for Kate Hermsen. All right. I've been a waitress forever. So you get used to reading people, right? You know, Karen Haircut walks in. I'm like, gluten-free menu, cool. Yeah.

And they're just like, yes. Yeah, I have celiac disease. And I'm just like, yeah, well, why don't you seal the yak? Because we both know you're lying. Like, you have the same BMI as me. Yeah, you're not allergic to bread. So, but yeah. I mean, the dad joker tables are always the worst, right?

You always go in and you're like, sorry, about the weight. And they're like, no problem. It looks good on you. And I'm like, no. I'm going to speed this up. I'm going to drop off that check, right? So I'm going to drop off the check. I'm like, anything else I can get for you?

And they're like, you know, how about a million dollars? And I was like, well, what do you want me to say to that? You know, so I was like, oh, yeah, oh, you're so funny. Can I, can I suck your, no, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to make it awkward. I want you out of here. So I'll be like, oh my God, a million dollars. I want to suck your dick.

No. All right, I got to go. I got to suck that guy's dick. So there you go. Kate Herrimson, welcome to the show. Kate, how are you? Heck yeah. Unbelievable, unbelievably great performance.

That was fantastic. Thank you so much. Your first time on the show. Yes. And how long you been doing stand up? This is like my ninth mic. Wow. I'm from Appleton, Wisconsin.

So we don't have a lot of mics. Right. I know Appleton. I performed in Appleton. There's a place there. What's that called? That wooden place. So I work at the Skyline Comedy Club there.

That's where it was. And I sit in this little tiny room that makes the food. And the only poster in there is the Kill Tony poster. Is that true? Wow. It is absolutely true. I had no idea. And I look at it.

And that's all I can look at. And I'm like, maybe one day. Yeah. No, that's how it works, man. I used to sit in the phone's room at the comedy store. And all that they had in the room, I swear to God, was a VCR and a TV. And they didn't have the internet yet. And that's crazy.

But 2007, they didn't have the internet. You'd have to answer the phone, right? And they would literally, you'd have to sell the tickets to the show on the phone. You had like one chance at it back then. Because there was no website for the comedy store. And you'd have to lie through your teeth. Like, yeah, tonight's show is going to be great. I mean, it's just unbelievable.

Because even though there was only like two comedians that anybody would know at the time. I still sell my tickets over the phone. That's not how you do it. No. Oh, OK. No. So the VCR and a TV, and all that they had was the 20th anniversary comedy store. There was like 50 VHS tapes of just that.

So you would just put one of those in and watch it. So sitting in a room that is hellish can be good. It's good to inspire and not be distracted. Absolutely. I would find it pretty hard, I think, to, you know, I mean, that the internet is overwhelming. And now it's on phones. And that wasn't even, oh shit, D-Madness is leaving, everybody. D-Madness, the old...

D-Madness, the only... Very good, yes. OK, give your weird sympathy woos or whatever you guys are doing. D-Madness is the only black guy that walks away when there's a thick white woman on this stage. Because he literally doesn't know. If he knew what she looked like, he would not be going pee right now. Trust me. Kate, do you hook up with black guys?

I do not. Right. No, strictly white. Truly Appleton, Wisconsin. I've only had two partners in my entire life. Really? Slim Pickens. Interesting.

And you just moved here? I have not. I'm actually just visiting with my boyfriend. He's actually been doing comedy for like two years. Really? Yes. OK, and he's here right now? He is.

Did he sign up? He did. What's his name? Do you guys want to see her boyfriend? Stay on stage, Kate. These people are all the way from Appleton, Wisconsin. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Trevor Klumper, everybody.

Let's do this shit. Oh, stand back there. Here he is. Trevor Klumper. So I think prostitution should be legalized. That way, when my friends tell me they're going to fuck my sister, I can tell them they can't afford her. My grandma is a fun lady.

She put all of her 401k savings into Marble Miles. She also used to sleep with a gun under her pillow so you know she likes to party. I'll tell you right now that nothing sets a seven-year-old straight quicker than hearing the hammer cock back on a 45. One of my fondest memories of her is we were all over at her house to watch Walker Texas Ranger. And she wasn't a responsible gun owner. She couldn't be bothered with the safety, so she just left it off all the time.

And she's digging around looking for the remote. And the next thing I know, I hear a bang. There's feathers in the air and there's a hole in the TV. Narrowly missed me. But it did reinforce my faith in Chuck Norris because I believe on that day, the eyes of the Ranger were upon me. Thanks, guys. Absolutely.

Okay, Trevor Klumper. Welcome to the show, Trevor. Big fan, big fan. I love it. I'm a big fan of you guys all the way from Appleton, Wisconsin. You've been doing it two years. You've been doing this a lot in Appleton, Wisconsin. Yep, just about.

Right. And what else do you do? What do you do for a living? I work security at the Skyline Comedy Club. Wow. Look at you guys just in there banging in a comedy club. Look at you guys. Not your cheese everywhere, man.

That's it. That's it. There's cheese all over Wisconsin. I love it. Were you guys working there when we came by? We started. I quit like my big job to just pursue comedy full-time. What big job did you quit?

I was the regional manager for a big bread company. Oh, look at that. You were making bread, and then now you're not. Yeah. Okay, Trevor, you're chasing your dreams. And why are you guys staying in Appleton? Do you have a family or anything? Why are we here?

Why are we in Appleton? Why do you live in Appleton, Wisconsin? I've lived there. When I got out of the Army, I decided to move back to Wisconsin before I was raised. Right. Where did you spend your time in the Army? I was in Iraq, but I mostly was in El Paso at Fort Bliss.

Okay. Wow. Both of those places are very scary places to be. My goodness. How do you still have flashbacks to your time in El Paso? Yeah, it's mostly Fort Bliss. Jesus Christ. My God.

I stopped off. I was starving on my drive. I think I may have mentioned this on the show, but I stopped off in El Paso because I was starving. I'm like, well, okay, there's an olive garden. Right? There's no way they could possibly fuck this up. Waited 45 minutes for one breadstick, people. I've never seen anything, most depressing day of my life.

El Paso, it's like you're in the 40s when you're there. All the buildings look just like crazy. It's the wild, wild west. It's the first time I saw a guy get stabbed on the street. Right. Yes. Perhaps it was one of the waiters at the olive garden. That's why it took forever.

Incredible. Okay. Trevor. Okay. Trevor, did you kill anybody in Iraq? Oh, that's a yes, everybody. That's a hot yes. I don't.

I don't. Bling, bling, bling, bling. I don't have any confirmed kills, but I did throw ladder grenades into orphanages. Wow. Relax. I threw it underhand. I like that little sneaky one there. I love it.

Okay. And how much longer are you guys in town for? Until Friday. Okay. Until Friday. What else do you have planned? What's on the docket for your trip to Austin, Texas? Just visiting.

I'm actually here to meet my biological dad. Really? Oh my God. Where's he at? San Antonio. Wow. When are you doing that? I don't know.

He's been kind of ghosting me. Again? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. This is, he's never met him your entire life. And how old are you? I am 33.

33 years old. And he's in San Antonio. What do you mean he's been ghosting you? When's the last time you talked with him? Before Father's Day. Before Father's Day. And what was said that you're coming to Austin? Yeah.

We're going to meet up. We're going to stay with him for a bit. And then I haven't heard anything. He texted me yesterday, but then ghosted again. He ghosted again? Well, texting yesterday, that's not really ghosting. That's like more of a haunting or something like that. Sometimes appearing from underneath your bed.

Son, I'm here for you. Tony could be your dad for a little while. You want me to adopt you? Yeah, I would love that. Okay, I'm not going to. Hey, do we have the phone unlocker? Can somebody grab a phone unlocker for me real quick? How many do you think we should call his father right now?

And schedule this goddamn appointment? Yeah. Look at all of these fatherless children going wild. The crowd loves it. Here comes the phone unlocker taking the longest possible path to get it up here. I love it. Absolutely. Tap it right on that, Mama Jamma.

Yes, indeed. The technology. You can't find that in Appleton, Wisconsin. You know what I'm saying? It is not. The only magnets they have there are, I don't know. I don't have anything for that. Here we are, Trevor.

Now, when you hit send on that thing, put it on speaker and make sure your volume is all the way up. Your volume's on the left side there. You're going to pump the top button. You're going to make sure it's on speakerphone. Make sure that ringtone, but if it goes to voicemail, end the call, okay? Because we don't want the number being read on the podcast. You understand anything that I'm saying?

Absolutely. Getting non-responses here. All right. Lower that a little bit. Here it is. No, put it the other. There you go. Right there.

Keep it right there. Trust me. Come on. Pick up, you motherfucker. Say hi. Hello? Hey, what's going on? Hey.

You're on the Kill Tony with me. Hello, Mr. Klumpner. How are you? I'm good. I believe he's having sex with another woman right now. I'm trying to, uh, we're a little bit concerned because we want your son to, uh, to meet you. We're getting a little bit nervous because he hasn't been getting the responses he wants. Can we set a time right now for you guys to officially meet this week in San Antonio?

In Austin, please. Oh, he's coming to Austin? Hopefully. Oh, well, I mean, geez, beggars can't be choosers at this point. You know what I mean? Jesus. Make the hour-long drive, kid. No, okay.

What can we do to do this? Dad? I can do that whenever. Okay. How's tomorrow? Sounds good. Wait, can you, can you start driving right now? You might be able to make it by the end of this episode.

This could be the greatest moment in the show's history. Hey. All right, relax. Save your energy. There's a lot of show to go. What is it? It's an hour-long drive. What time did we start?

We can't make that, right? No, no, no. It's already 9.30. All right. It's not going to show up anyway. Okay. Let me ask you this. Before I let you go, sir, are you excited to meet your son?

I can tell he's very excited to meet you. Are you excited to meet him? Oh, yeah, I am. You are. Is there any? Yes, I am. I'll tell you right now, he is a good-looking boy. He is a war hero.

He spent time in Iraq fighting for his country. His girl is an incredible server. You should be very proud. Do you want to tell your son that you love him for the first time ever? Stop putting your shirt over your head, Red Band. What did you say? Oh, look who can't hear all of a sudden. Oh, dude.

Trevor's dad, I love that you played along with us. Thank you for taking the call. I'll give you his answer as Texan calls this week and get it all figured out. There goes Mr. Klumpner, Trevor Klumpner, and Kate Hermsen, everybody. Magical moments, all day, every Monday for the rest of my life. Wow. That shit makes me so uncomfortable. We nailed it.

Incredible. The people that had parents their whole lives don't even know what the fuck is going on in here. This place is chaos. Where are you guys visiting from? They all got new Austin hats. You can always tell the people visiting from Florida or something, right? Florida? No, Georgia?

South? Mexico? What? Austin. Oh, you're from Austin. You still wear the Austin hats. You still got the Gary Clark Juniors on over there. Wow.

Do you own a hat store or something? No, just wear hats all the time. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there, huh? History's been made. We reunited a father and a son. We saw Black Jesus. Make some noise for Mikey Greenblatt, everybody.

Mikey Greenblatt. Here he is, everybody. It's been a wild night. Here's Mikey Greenblatt. Hey, my name is Mikey Greenblatt. A comedian gave me some friendly advice. Said to make my name less Jewish. The thing is, so many Jewish entertainers have already done this.

John Leibovitz is now John Stuart. Jonah Feldstein is now Jonah Hill. Yankel Khan is now Jackie Chan. So many. A bit about myself. I work with people who have autism. Yeah, you guys clap for that. Yeah, some of them came out here tonight.

Thank you guys so much. You guys are doing great. Thank you. No, I do. I do. I work with people with autism. They're called Gen Zers. Have you guys heard of this group of people?

Yeah. I'm a teacher. I'm a teacher on Zoom, which was not a sentence two years ago and is now my entire livelihood. And these kids, bless their hearts. They need to get bullied. These kids need to get bullied. They do.

I got bullied all the time as a kid and it crafted me into the successful comedian that you see here tonight. I was diagnosed with Tourette's as a kid and not the cool kind of Tourette's where I'm like, titties, my Tourette's was going like, bop! There you go.

He did his time and then some Mikey Greenblatt. Indeed. Welcome, welcome. Like a typical Jew trying to get your money's worth. Got called up here. He's like, I'm going to go until that fucking bear comes. As long as the bear's not German, I'm fine. You got it.

Mikey Greenblatt. Welcome, welcome. Very funny stuff. Thank you. You are a real Jew. You have comedic beats and timing. Where are you from? Jersey.

Jersey. Absolutely. The home of Jeffrey Lyftschultz, now known as Jeffrey Ross, the roastmaster general. Yes. What part of Jersey? I'm from Bergen County, North Jersey.

Okay. Yeah. That's where Joey Diaz is from. Am I correct? You know one of the great comedians of all time? You don't know about this? Yeah, sure. Okay.

All right. What do you do for work, Mikey? I am a teacher. You really are a teacher. Yeah, I really am. Are you just a Zoom teacher? Do you sometimes go into class as well? No, I'm just strictly remote on Zoom.

Okay. Very good. What are you teaching exactly? Right now we're learning about ancient Egypt. It's pretty fun. Okay, it's a Jewish school? No. Now?

No. None of these Jews were slaves in Egypt part, just fun faros and everything. Oh, okay. Yeah. Just the real stuff that really happened. Yeah, just stuff that actually happened. Yeah, you got it.

You know. I love it. You're wearing a yarmulke right now. You're extremely Jewish. Do you always do that? Orthodox Jewish, yeah. Right. Extremely Jewish also works.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I'm friends with Ari Shafir, so I'm allowed to say whatever I want. Okay, yeah. I love it, Mikey Greenblatt. You wear that every day? I do, yeah.

Yeah. And so you follow all the rules? I try to. I mean, there's a lot. What's the ones that you bend a little bit? Because you're a good looking guy. You look like Adam Uber driver. Thank you.

What is that? It's an Adam Driver joke. He's a famous actor in show business. I said Uber driver and it got four laughs. Thank you. So what's your deal? What's up? Yeah.

Where do you bend the rules? Just be honest. God's not. God doesn't listen to kill Tony. You don't have to worry. God's up there listening to fucking Bobby Lee and Kalilah break up on Tiger Belly. What is happening, people? My friends are losing their minds.

My friends are losing their minds. Everybody that stayed in LA is losing their fucking minds. Anyway. Except Mary Lynn. Except for Mary Lynn. Mary Lynn stayed in LA, did not lose her mind. Still booking movies. Geez, what did I miss?

Still booking shows. Nothing. We're talking about, he's Jewish. So we're talking about movies. Hey, how's it going? You're Jewish? Are you single? I am, yeah.

Look at that. You just booked another movie. Hey, look at that. Let's go. I don't know if my mom would, yeah. No offense. What? Wow, I'm out.

What the fuck? Because I'm not Jewish. She's not Jewish. You just made her pussy drier than the Egyptian desert that you were teaching about. Wow. What if I convert? Why don't you open your heart a little bit? Okay.

You only, do you exclusively only date and hook up with Jewish women? Yes to the former, not to the latter. I'm going to have to start drinking now. Thanks a lot. So you've hooked up with, you've hooked up with Mary Lynn. We'll get you a drink. Come back, come back. What do you want?

A couple of shots of tequila, right? Yeah. You want to do it? Beer. Like a blue millionaire or something. We'll have a beer. We'll have a good local Austin beer for you. Thank you.

Local Austin beer. So let me ask you this. So you've hooked up with Jewish girls almost exclusively, but you've also hooked up with a couple, you know, the devil's children, right? Let me ask you this. When you're hooking up with a normal, like non-Jewish, I guess normal's not the word. When you're hooking up with a human. No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. When you hook up with an infidel. No, I mean, okay, no. When you hook up with a non-Jewish woman, is there something like sort of like fucking extra naughty and like you can't last that long? Am I correct? Because it seems like in the game of sex that like I find from my history of talking

with people that that what is like wrong sometimes is the more enjoyable thing. You're retort. My retort. Yeah. Um, yes. So Jewish girls, you're a fucking like a porn star. You could just last forever. You're flipping them around.

They all look exactly like you. It's like fucking yourself. Yeah, it can get a little weird. Right. But then every once in a while. Every once in a while. Get that Irish Polish shit. What's up?

What's up? Put you in the motherfucking gas chamber. That's rough. That's rough. Okay. From the gas chamber to the ass chamber. Oh, shut up. Man, Tony.

Shut the fuck up. The gas chamber is the gas chamber. Bye. I like that. Boom. You activated the black light. No, red band. Don't do it.

Don't hit the. No, no, red band. Okay. That was good. I like that. All right. I like the fart one. I'm Mikey.

I love it. What do you think is the least Jewish thing about you? Well, now that puts me in a corner. All right. Because if I say one thing, then it's like, then we perpetuate the same. It's a tough question. I'm 75% Italian, 25% German. So it's not my first time putting someone like you in a corner before.

So let me just tell you that. It runs in my blood. The least Jewish thing about me? You have like a tribal tattoo like above your. Yeah. Secret. You did a lot of sports. Oh, that is.

That is non-Jewish college volleyball. Oh, not a lot of people wearing people on that team. All right. Okay. Yeah. Volleyball is not a Jewish sport. Do you eat bacon? I don't.

I don't eat bacon. Oh, you've never tried it. I've never, never put bacon to the mouth. Can we get some bacon? It just so happens. We have a strip. How many you think he should have his first piece of bacon? This is the most fun show on planet earth.

It's so funny that we can go from let's call your father who you've never really spoken to to the only show where you can go from calling a father to shit. You guys should we have me bacon? crowd goes wild. Oh my goodness. And that when that guy's father gets here, he'll eat bacon at the same time. Both on stick. Oh my God.

Have you ever thought like I'm not going to Jew anymore? Like you ever want to get, get out of it? Yeah. What are the times where you want to give up on it? Well, like is it anytime I pass like a Wendy's or Burger King or anything? Anytime I pass anything, I'm like, maybe I should. Right. Maybe I should stop now.

Right. Right. Yeah. Have you ever thought about like things you would do on your death bed if they told you that you have one month to live? Right. And you would, does that mean that you would eat bacon or that it's like the final time to not eat bacon?

Yeah. No, I made it this far. I'm not going to with that last month. Very, very interesting. Very interesting. At that point. Huh. All right.

Yeah. Huh. Yeah. Any other questions, comments, concerns, please. What do your parents do for work? My dad was in construction litigation lawyer and my mom works for a battered woman shelter. Whoa. Look at that.

Wow. It's not very Jewish ever. Yeah. So that's the least Jewish thing I guess about me. Is that your mom? Yeah. Works at a battered woman shelter. Right.

Right. No, that makes sense. Can't be a lot of money. Do you go to, I had to think of the word temp, do you go to temple a lot? Yeah. Every day, every week? Yeah. Yeah.

Once a week? Wow. I try to go as often as possible. Here it's a little harder because it's less of a. So in Shabbat Shalom. Shabbat Shalom. Less of us Shabbat Shalom. Very, very interesting.

I don't get to see many Jews now that I live in Texas. But I know the, I know this well from 16 years in Los Angeles. Do you chill on Saturdays? You take Saturdays off? Yeah. That's Shabbat. So that's day of rest. So you really do, you do that.

Yeah. Wow. If I converted, how long would the process be? For an Orthodox conversion, it could be a few years. See the tood? See the attitude? Yeah. Yeah.

It's literally like it's not. If you want, it's just, you know, it's a couple of years. It's a long, long process. A couple of years of like what? Like, do I count calories? What, what milestones am I doing? No, you don't. It's a non-calorie counting religion.

Stopping bacon right away. It's a, you know, it's a process. I have to prove. It's a journey. Get branded. You have to get branded. Yeah. Okay.

Yep. You do have to get branded. Like numbers? No. Red band. Wait, what's branded? Red band. What?

Son of a bitch. Branded's like, like a tattoo, right? You're just visiting from Jersey? No, I live in Texas. I live in Austin. How long have you lived here? Four months now. Four months?

Yeah. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. And very, very good stuff, man. How long have you been doing comedy for? About a year. Wow. Yeah.

Great, man. Very good stuff. Oh yeah, really good stuff. Appreciate it. Would you like to open up the Secret Show Thursday? Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, that's a real gig in show business. All right.

We'll have to have a wedding at the top. Okay. You have like five minutes you could do or something like that? No, no, I do. It's just, it's my cousin's wedding. Okay. Whoa. Look at this guy.

Make the choice. What's more important to you? I know. Wow. This is, again, you are a very religious man. You're going to choose your cousin's wedding over an opportunity to be a professional comedian. I mean, it's...

Yeah, you have to like... Your cousin's wedding, I can't... Leave the wedding. Leave the wedding. Leave the wedding. Come do a set. Come do a set. How many of you think you should call his...

Who is it? Your brother? It's my first cousin, Khanna. Your first cousin, Khanna. He has to go. You have to carry the choice. You're making the right choice. Come on.

I have to carry... Are you the one that breaks the glass under the napkin or whatever? If I was marrying her, yes. Oh, okay. I don't know. I don't know. You have to carry what? Sorry?

You said you have to carry? I think red vans. Yeah, carry the chair. Oh, that's like four guys on there. Yeah, four guys. I like your style, Mikey. I'm trying to understand. I like your style, Mikey.

Here's a big joke book from the Great Bones Eye, Adrian Kavazos. That's a big one there. Mikey's the first one to get a big one tonight. All right, we're getting in the deep waters here. We could end it, but we should get one more bucket pool, right? We started a little bit late. We started a little bit late. You guys want to get one more bucket pool up here?

All right, you asked for it. The people in the Austin hats are having a good time tonight. All right, Eddie Major is your final comedian of the night. Obviously, anything can happen here. Oh, you guys aren't even going to clap for him? The final guys waited all night for that. Eddie Major, here he comes, everybody, making his way to this stage. Here he is, Eddie Major.

Thank you. Appreciate it. Oh, man. Thank you. 2022, huh? What a year it's been so far, right? Crazy. I can't believe it's already been two years since the tragic, terrible death of Kobe Bryant. Yeah.

I'm serious, dude. Can we get a moment of silence for Kobe, please? All right, that's good enough. Thank you. Only got 40 more seconds up here. No, it was a bummer, though, when that happened, when Kobe died. Because I was a big fan of Kobe. I was also a big fan of helicopter rides, so that was kind of a double whammy for me. I thought the two together would crush, you know?

I mean, they did, kind of, but not in the way I was hoping. Yeah. That's it? Yeah. All right. No doubt about it. That was a way quicker minute than I thought it was going to be. It was actually three seconds longer, because I forgot I was in charge.

Oh, shit. All right, Ben Wimpy, and didn't wash his hands, obviously. Dang it. I mean, absolutely got awful, Eddie. He's just bad as it gets. Really just... Somebody in the bathroom, I was taking a piss, somebody was like, God damn it. Yeah.

I mean, it's really... A lot of Kobe fans. No. Yeah. No, not even. No, no, no. We are all... This is an audience that would love to laugh at a Kobe joke. You gave no one an opportunity at that.

You crashed and burned up here. I appreciate it. The only difference between Kobe's death and your joke is that at least his death made some noise afterwards, you know what I mean? Very true. Very true. The stutters in between Jared speaking said more than he said in his entire minute. I mean...

I'll take it. That was absolutely incredibly bad. Your first time doing Stand Up, I hope? Yes. Really though? No. How long have you been doing it for? Like almost five years.

Five years, Eddie Major. Eddie Major. Hell yeah. Oh my God. Hell yeah. But meanwhile, you're one of these guys that comes up with your medello taking a sip while you arrive. Like, you do this to look cool.

No, no, no. I'm gonna piss. And I heard my name called. I'm like, shit. I was upstairs. I gotta run down here. It wasn't planned out. See, I know.

This show, literally, I pull names out of a bucket. Nobody knew that they were getting up tonight except for Jared Nathan. And even he probably forgot he was going up tonight. Exactly, exactly, exactly. So you're using the age-old excuse of I had to pee. I gotta piss right now, like, badly. Eddie, no one gives a shit. I know, I know.

I'm just saying. You just took a shit on the stage. I need to piss. Eddie, you've been doing this five years. You got pulled out of the bucket late in the show. Totally right. Let me ask you this. Five years in the game, tell us one joke that you have.

Could I finish the Kobe joke? Is there really something coming? Here's the thing. I didn't think that. I timed it out before. I did not think that that was good. I thought that was like 30 seconds. Well, you spent most of your time going up here.

Okay. You're right. Thank you. Thank you. You're right. Are you a big Mark Norman fan? A little bit. I can tell.

Yeah. You're right. You're right. I was like a little. You have to stop listening to him. A little autistic, a little gay. Oh my goodness. Wow.

I've always wondered what it would be like if Mark wasn't funny at all. He is hilarious and you were doing him a great disservice. Oh, God. No, don't do that. Don't do that either. That's his too. That's literally the other thing that he does. Incredible.

You have two out of the three things. I'm also from Louisiana, which is crazy. You can see this. All right. Very good. Eddie. I'm not. Eddie, stop.

Finish the Kobe joke. I want to hear how low we can go. Hopefully. D-man. Jesus. Eddie, shut the fuck up and do your joke. All right. Jesus Christ.

I forgot where I stopped. It was Kobe. It was all bad. It was all bad. It was all bad. I was going to say I had never gone to the NBA because I was HIV positive. I mean, literally that is at the end of the joke. Yeah.

No, no. I also got cut from the high school basketball team. So, you know, coach fuck me twice. Oh, it's so bad. It's a true story. Oh, God, it's so bad. So, you're telling us that you're HIV positive? Yes.

You're really HIV positive? I'm sorry to say. There's no way that you're HIV positive. How did you get HIV? I don't know. That's the fucked up part. This is literally the worst lie I've ever heard in the history of, like, I mean, Eddie, five years in the game, what do you think is wrong with you?

Five years in the game, you have nothing funny to say. You've literally taken Mark Norman's cadence. I know. Yeah. So, what's a redeeming quality? Give us something here because you've taken us to a lower place than even Kobe Bryant landed. I thought it was a crash. So, it was the ground.

That's low. That's a callback. Deserved much more than what you gave me. I can't blame you with the momentum that Eddie Major has left me with. Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know what a redeeming quality would be. I just came up here. I had to take a piss really bad.

Oh, wow. Again, you think that this will save you and no one gives a shit. I have to piss so bad right now. Unbelievable. You ever hear, like, Tom Brady, like, where do you think the game went wrong? Well, I had to go pee-pee out of my wee-wee. Like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? You've been doing this shit five fucking years.

Oh, a quick joke. Quick joke. What's your one-liner? Quick joke. Set up punch. One quick one. Let's go. Five years.

One quick one? Your best quick joke. Five years in the game. Your very best quick joke that you've ever written. Come on, Eddie Major. No, no. Don't sip the beer. That's not cool.

Literally, Medello will pay you money to never drink them again. This is a reverse sponsorship. Medello's stock just crashed. I'm an alcoholic. Very good. All right. So are a bunch of funny comedians. True, true.

Here it is. Five years is best. I still think it's crazy that Bill Cosby raped all those women. D-Bendness hates you. He can't even see what you look like and he hates you. If you knew what he looked like, you'd hate him even more. Did he not? I swear to God.

Did he not laugh at that? All right. I got none such for the black right hand. I'm new in this cane. I'm holding the cane for this. Please. Oh shit. Michael is handing D-Bendness the cane.

Literally. Anything can happen. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Finish the fucking Cosby joke, Eddie. You're putting more people to sleep than Cosby did. I'm sorry. You see what I mean?

You see the difference? You see the difference in five years and 16 years? Hell yeah. You suck. Cosby. You fucking suck, dude. Eddie, I'm going to get you out of here. We got to do it onto the comedy portion of the show.

There goes Eddie Magee. Everybody. Eddie, have a little joke bug. Have a little one, Eddie. Take one of those. Lock the bathroom. Still let him be. Write something.

Write something in that fucking thing. Oh my God. Well. D-Bendness hated him. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one place to go from here. You've seen how low it can go. Now we're going to the mountaintop. Right now, I present to you one of the all-time greatest comedians in the history of the show. The longest standing regular in the history of the show. More new minutes than anybody ever. He is currently featuring for me all around the country during my current tour. Ladies and gentlemen, he is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.

William lights out Montgomery. Wait, hold on. Does that guy really have HIV? Yeah. Holy shit. Oh my God. I heard on the news the other day that mermaiding is on the upswing around the world, which is really crazy because I used to date a mermaid.

We wouldn't, wait, we wouldn't really have sex. She'd just lay eggs in the bathtub and then I'd come by later on and pee on everything. You haven't really lived until you're slipping around the bathtub trying to pee on thousands of fish eggs while some lady dressed like a mermaid is watching you from the far corner of the bathroom. It's the worst fucking five years of my life. What do Ariel from The Little Mermaid and Red Band's mom have in common? They were both getting railed by a guy named Prince Eric in 1989. Hunter Biden doesn't know who to root for in the Russia-Ukraine conflict,

because on the one hand he slept with Russian prostitutes, but on the other hand he slept with Ukrainian prostitutes. One minute thirty-two new seconds of the great William Montgomery, a man who like Hans comes in and shows exactly how it's done. William, I must say you've been making some real money for the first time in your career this past year, and this is the first time we've ever seen you in a coordinated outfit like this. I'm actually, I have some really good news. I'm actually, I got the call from Adidas a couple days ago.

I'm sponsored by Adidas now. Wow, look at that. New sponsorship, two years, $700,000. Wow, that is incredible. What do you have to do for them? Just wear their stuff? Just wear this, and it's been hot as fucking hell here in Austin. It's been a fucking nightmare. That's all they gave you is that tracksuit, no shorts or a t-shirt or anything?

This is all I literally got in the mail. I just got this fucking track, it's literally so hot outside. It was what, 110 yesterday? Yeah, and today, yeah, very, very hot days. Oh my God, it's so horrible. But it is incredible, you're wearing Adidas shoes, Adidas pants, Adidas jacket. Yep. This is incredible.

Why do you think Adidas chose you to be their new spokesman? Normally they go with extremely... Well, it's actually, I don't have to guess, it's because they saw some videos of me playing basketball. I'm really... Really? Yeah, the kind of basketball where you're dribbling real fast and you do the crazy passes. I'm actually really good at... Why is that so fucking funny, dumbass?

Oh shit, William is going in. You haven't fucking laughed at anything and now you're cackling at the idea of me being good at basketball? William, that's hot, he's just jealous, it's really, really hot, come on. Well, thank you, and nice to see you. Nice to see you. Oh my goodness. Dribble it, dribble it just a little bit. Hell yeah.

Why are you wearing fake Adidas though? Why are you wearing fake Adidas? Shut the fuck up! Look at his shoes. Those aren't fake Adidas. Yeah, these are fake Adidas. Let's talk more about this dribbling. I mean, that is incredible.

I thought the best dribbler on the show was Jared Nathan to find out that Adidas-funded dribbling video of you is absolutely incredible. I know, it's crazy and they're literally sending me $700,000. It's a two-year $700,000 contract. Yeah, I just pretty much have to wear this and keep on doing the dribbling videos. Okay, very interesting. I saw that you wiped off the microphone to prevent HIV. I did, I'm a little horrified. I already have a compromised immune system.

I'm a little, is it safe for me to be using this after that guy? Yes. It is? Yes. I thought that was transferred through SPED. Much like jokes, he did not have HIV. So your set was about peeing on mermaid eggs and somehow you managed, with your style, you are able to make that work. Yeah, I was a little worried.

I wrote the mermaid stuff a couple days ago and the whole time I'm thinking, is this going to be funny? Yeah. Is this going to be a fucking disaster again tonight? My God, you remember last week the County Aldermen? Yeah. That was rough. Rough as hell. Luckily Adidas didn't see that video.

Yeah, it's a damn good thing they didn't see that video. Right. It really is. It's a damn good thing. It's a really good thing. I swear to God, if Adidas saw that fucking video last week, there's no way I would have gotten a two-year $700,000 contract. No way. From Adidas.

I mean, literally, there's zero way. I'm getting a 200. The episode with your parents came out. The episode with your parents' guests came out last week and it is considered one of the most critically acclaimed episodes of the show in its history. That was a great one. Have you talked to your parents since last Monday? Have you talked with them about this? Are they excited?

Did they feel good? Yeah, they are excited. I'm more excited. My mom actually is leaving my dad. Some guys started messaging my mom on Instagram. My mom has pretty much fallen in love with this piece of shit down in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Wow. So she's really excited right now.

Yeah, you can say that. She's pumped, man. Huh? She's pumped up. She's starting a whole new life. Yeah, she's excited right now. I like your attitude a lot. Cool.

I like yours actually. Oh, William, I've never seen you. I've been watching William deal with different guests of different shapes and sizes for a long time. I've never seen him so smitten. I like the anger. It is so nice to see you again. It's been a little while. Yeah, it's really nice to see you too.

Do you like older women? Huh? Do you like older women? You could say that. Okay, cool. Wow. All right. William.

You could say that again. William, I can't really picture you being sexually active. It's disgusting to think about. What would be the first thing you would do if you'd given the opportunity to have an evening with a woman like, as exclaimed and beautiful as the great Mary Lynn Rice Cub, who's a brand new book famous. Don't fuck this up. Okay, I mean, I'd probably bring you back to my apartment. No, you don't start there.

Huh? Bring me back to your apartment. Yeah. Bring you back to my fucking apartment. What are we doing before that? I'd bring you back to my apartment. From where? After we ate at Pluckers, the wing place.

Now we're talking. Yeah, I'd probably take you to Pluckers. Yeah, we start at fucking Pluckers. I'd take you to Pluckers. You'd be sweating in that suit. Sweating like a motherfucker. You get me whatever I want. Even those hot ass wings, getting the fucking wing stuff all over my new tracks.

William, William, are you going to let me get whatever I want at Pluckers? Yeah, as long as... Anything on the menu? Yeah, anything you want. How much? Anything you want, girl. Like, what if I get a lot of food and a lot of drinks? Will you pay for it, William?

Yeah, it depends on how much, but probably... No! How much money were you thinking you were going to spend? 700 fucking dollars, William. There's no way. I heard about your endorsements. Yeah. Yeah, I have a serious...

Why are you asking me how much money you pay... I just want to know if I can TT on your fish eggs. I'd get your ass back to the apartment. I'd make your ass lay some eggs in the bathtub. And I'd fucking go in there and TT all over it. I swear to God, I'd love to be on your eggs. Can you pay for all these mermaid babies, William? No, there's no way.

What? Can you pay for... Mermaids go to private school. I don't know if you know that. Not mine. My mermaid children... What? They didn't fucking go to a private school?

Yeah, it's an ocean school. They have to be in water. That's a stupid idea. It doesn't have to be in water. Hey, this is your world, man. I'm entering into your mermaid world. I know. You'd be really sweet if you did.

I swear to God, if you came to my apartment and you ended up laying some eggs in the fucking bathtub, I swear I would be all over those eggs. You know what, William? Let me see if I have any eggs left. What does that mean? I might have one or two for you, baby. Oh, shit. Some of those Kirkland signatures.

You know what I'm saying? Some of those. The best brand out there. Yep. Pretty good. Not as good as Adidas. I don't think Kirkland Signature and Adidas are in competition, William. They actually are.

I looked at the report yesterday. They're sending me reports. It's action. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Don't put that mic on your face, baby. Shut up! I don't want you to get AIDS.

I don't want you to get AIDS. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. You know what? As long as you apologize afterwards, you can be violent. Yeah. You can do whatever you want.

You can beat her up a little bit. Just say the magic word afterwards. What? After I pee on the eggs? Or what are y'all talking about? I don't know. I lost the plot. Where did this pee on the fucking eggs thing come from?

That's how it works in the mermaid world. What type of weed are you smoking when you're writing your material? No, literally. That's how it works. The lady mermaid goes into the bathtub, lays the eggs, and the guy comes in there and tee-tees all over the eggs. I swear to God. That's how it works, Tony.

There's a guy that's been doing this for five fucking years. That, like, tried his hardest. William comes up destroying, talking about peeing on mermaid eggs. Just destroying the room. You know that guy's at the urinal still, just like, fuck! William, another unbelievable job. Nobody does it like him. Make some noise for the big red machine.

William Montgomery! William Montgomery! Guys, how loud can this place get for Comedy Store Regular and Superstar Marylin Rice Cop? Huh? Her new book, Famich, available now. Get a signed copy of MarylinMarylin.com. That's also where you can find her tour dates. You're going to see her in all your favorite shows and movies from now on.

You're going to be seeing her in all your favorite shows and movies from now on. You're going to be like, I'm pretty sure she was on Kill Tony the night I was there. I mean, it always blows my mind. I see you, like, once a week on something that I had no idea you were even on. That's right. I love your style. You are above all of these amazing credits. I've always considered you a true real comedian.

You're always at the store, working it out, doing the damn thing. Truly fucking funny. And I love that you stuck around in Austin to do this show. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Marylin Rice Cup. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. He draws every episode.

How cool is that? How about one more time for the band, everybody? The screwball, peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony band. D-Madness on the bass. Paul Deemer on the horns, Matt Mueling on guitar. And that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. He's going to stick around and play with Nether hour, who takes over in the middle. Play with Nether hour, who takes over now.

Chris Rogers, why don't you bring that amazing piece of art up here? He drew this while you all were sitting there doing absolutely nothing. I do believe, I do believe that is the great William Montgomery right there. Absolutely incredible local artist, Chris Rogers art. I do believe that's for sale. If you buy it, some of the money goes to the great William Montgomery, who doesn't really need it now that he's sponsored by Adidas. But we did it again. I love that we are doing this every Monday.

I have this show booked just like guests like Mary Lynn. I have it booked solid for the next five or six weeks with unfucking believable guests. We're going to have so much fun. The momentum we have is unprecedented and crazy. No show from LA has ever traveled to a random ass different city and been welcomed like this. Every single show is sold out until oblivion. I thank you guys so much for your support. We love being here in Austin.

Thank you guys. Good night everybody. Thank you.