KILL TONY - #568 - ERIK GRIFFIN

Episode Date: July 29, 2022

Erik Griffin, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/18/2022--THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Dr. Squatch! – New Dr. Squatch customers will receive 20% off $20 spend or more with code “DSQKILLTONY” HERE – https://bit.ly/3B3KDj9

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band coming live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for it Tony, DeathSquad! Are we ready to have the best night of our fucking lives or what? The best place to be on a Monday. You're here in Austin, Texas with us. Red Band is

here ladies and gentlemen. Hey, how about a hand for the best band you guys have seen all goddamn day, the Kill Tony band. Brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey. The return of the great John Dees on the keyboards here tonight. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, Paul Deemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums and the great D-Madness on bass guitar right here. This shit is going down. I have way too big of a coffee here with me. I'm gonna get rid of that. This is Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. The two best strip clubs in the world happen to be here in your hometown of

Austin, Texas. Also Deep Eddie Vodka, the best vodka in the world, available for sale here now tonight. And of course screwball peanut butter whiskey, the official sponsor of the Kill Tony band. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here on the internet live right now. Hey y'all indeed it is Tony Hinchcliff here telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me all around the country. Dallas, Texas the 12th and 13th of August and August 26 and 27th San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee making my long

awaited return September 29th 30th and October 1st all very soon. That's tickets available TonyHinchcliff.com and we'll see you out there. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? I think you guys can do a little better than that. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? That's what I like. Let's keep it there tonight. Ladies and gentlemen every single week one of the funniest guests in the world is on this show. This week is as special as it fucking gets. We've been doing this show for almost 10 goddamn years. It started at the comedy store in June of 2013 and along the way obviously so many of the

great LA comedy store comics have been guests on it. Everybody has a different flavor, a different vibe. This is literally I can say with no hesitation one of the top five guests to ever be on the show. He's done it a great many times. You know him from workaholics. I know him as one of my favorite comedians and best friends. It's the great Eric Griffin everybody. Another. Eric Griffin is here ladies and gentlemen. Woo. Playing the theme song. Yeah yeah yeah.

Loving it. Griffin with Griffin. Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Shed to Shed. Torn the country. Selling out around the world. Tickets at ericgryffin.com. That's Eric with a K. Yeah it's good to be. Dude. Wow. I know right.

I remember when Kill Tony was in the back of a Toyota. You're goddamn right. We fucking did it. You know what I mean? Texas appreciates a good goddamn thing. They sure do. Fucking hey. They're saying fucking Los Angeles. Where they like. Why you got fine girls in the crowd.

Hell yeah absolutely. Never in LA. Every week we had a bunch of hideous monsters in Los Angeles. Yeah it was a bunch of warlocks in LA. This is. They all look like Red Band. You know what I mean. Hey. Thank you. Red Band is one of the hottest bitches in LA.

Everyone knows that. LA really struggling. All the hot ones. Wait is this guy a promoter. What are you doing with these fucking hot chicks. You the pimp. What's going on. I don't ask any questions. He comes every week. Really. I love him.

He laughs it only when people are like truly dying their hardest deaths. I mean he only laughs when people are really struggling. Is that Elon's dad. Got his stepdaughter pregnant. Whoa whoa whoa. Eric is a goofy motherfucker for some reason. I like to think we bring out the best of each other a little

like good cop bad cop combination. And we're going to watch a bunch of comedians tonight. This bucket is absolutely filled with people that signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. He is here tonight.

As always. It's just a loud noise that cuts them off if they're going too long. And then I interviewed them and we talked to them about their lives. The whole thing is completely improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what. Okay.

Let's go. Let's go. Everything is in order. I'm going to get one of the regulars up here. Of course we since the inception of this show have always had two or three comedians who you get to watch grow over time every single week. They have the tough tough job of writing and performing a new

60 seconds every week. This is one of the best of all time to ever do it. Ladies and gentlemen. This is Hans Kemp. What's up. I'm having a lot of sex recently. You couldn't tell. I love when I'm fucking a woman and she's like, can I touch

myself? Like, yeah, I love coming with two knuckles in my bladder. That's perfect because I have a 90 degree bend in my lower back. So I can just fuck you like a Tetris piece. But yeah, a lot of cool things are happening in the news. I don't believe it when people tell me that they hate Biden. How can you hate Biden?

He's barely there. It's like hating Cuba Gooding Jr. Before Biden, people were like, no one should have the job of president. No one does have that job right now. It's totally vacant. But I think that's about it for me. So thank you.

Wow. What a professional. Yeah. The undeniable automatic Hans Kim. Thank you, Tony. With a brand new minute of material. You know what I love about this? Yeah.

You're back in with the Asians. You're goddamn right. I've created a monster. I went and made my own super Asian. This is like, remember when Cersei's security guard dies in Game of Thrones and they bring him back and he's a fucking monster? That's true.

Yeah. This is what I did. This is your Voltron right here? Goddamn right. This is what I call a defense mechanism right here. Funny, man. Thank you. Thank you.

I used to see you at the parlor live in Seattle before they got shut down. Oh, wow. Oh, is that what happened? Way to really throw your home club on the bus. Wow. Jesus. Wow.

See, now it comes out. Look at that. You're one of my favorites. I appreciate it. What did Cuba Gooding Jr. do to you? That's what I want to know. Fuck Cuba Gooding Jr. That's the energy you get.

It wasn't even a Biden joke. It was like, fuck Cuba Gooding. He went full retard. I went full Asian. Now let's talk about it. This guy, funny. I mean, my mind is blown. I have never in my life imagined that you would wear a chain

like that. This is a brand new thing, by the way. I just spent the entire weekend with him. This was his first weekend featuring for me in Tampa for unbelievably fucking diabolical 20 minutes. That's the guy did put in the pressure on his sweet, sweet papa. Tell me that's what I call myself. I'm his sweet, sweet papa.

No, never have never. Wait, wait, what? We regret it. Sweet, sweet papa. That's me. It's like a Woody Allen thing. You change, man. I know.

I know. I'm a good guy now. Okay, so let's talk about it. Hans, what the fuck is that? This is the... That's the part of hotline bling that you play. Sound effect genius. Thank you, Red Band.

Perfect. Where did that come from? Where did you get this? This is my sponsor, Gold. This is the Thanos, the little thing that he wears. It's like a boxing glove with the jewels on it. Look at you fucking... You were first, you were riced up.

Now you're iced up. Look at this. This is incredible. Can't help myself. I thought it was like a little urn and his grandmother was in it. You know what I mean? Asians are tiny. Their urns are much smaller than ours.

So what is it? It's Thanos' gauntlet of infinity. Okay. Oh, don't ever... You don't say that to girls, do you? Jesus. Because that's like, that just kills it. The girls are like, oh my God, nice chain.

You're like, with Thanos, you know. I'm sure everybody... You're like, it's Gold. It's my new sponsor. Let me dry that pussy up for you real quick. It's Thanos' hand from infinity, war and beyond. The second edition, minutes in, you will notice this exact replica. Yeah, they probably would rather use that on their pussy.

You know what I mean? Oh man, I'm on fire right now. Kill Tony as bad people. Whoa, whoa, whoa! On a scale from one to ten, I give that joke a thorn. All right, it's stupid. I don't know, we're just trying our best up here. We're gonna have to go on the road.

I don't know why we're not doing shows. There's a new shirt. You're wearing the shirt of an Italian mob boss. This is very exciting. That is the classic. That's the guy that actually runs stuff shirt. Is that new? This is relatively new. It's an Amazon purchase.

Oh yes, we've heard about this. And how much shit do you have in your pockets, man? What the fuck is going on? You have candy? What the fuck's in your front pockets right here? I got some grills. No, you do not have grills. Oh my God. Oh my God.

No way. Ladies and gentlemen. It's little Wang. It's literally Korean grills. Michael Gonzalez on this. Oh, I feel like we should all bow. You know what I mean? How do these grills work out for you?

I cannot believe that this is a thing. Can you talk with them on? How many of you want to hear Hans' minute again with the grills in his mouth? Ladies and gentlemen. Doing the minute that you already saw him do. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. Oh my God. What's up, guys? I gag if I keep a mental. Dude, if you throw up while doing your minute, I will give you a thousand dollars cash. He's saying he can't do the grills because they make him gag. This is incredible, Hans.

Oh shit, he's going for the thousand bucks. I have a lot of sex. I'm like, great. Yeah, girls are always like, can I touch myself? I'm like, yeah, that's great because I love coming with two knuckles in my bladder. You did it. We're letting you off the hook.

We don't want you to actually throw up. Oh my God. Legendary appearance, Hans. Thank you. Thank you to Gold, your newest sponsor for giving us literally comedy gold. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Hans Kim. Thank you.

Hans Kim, hilarious. That was Hans Kim. Who's going to follow that? I'm telling you, it ain't easy. But he gets the party started every week. I've got about one more time for my good friend, Hans Kim. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket now. It is a tough job trying to follow this.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian out of the bucket. We need him all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Jake Baker, everybody. Here we go. Jake Baker. There he comes. One more time for Jake Baker, everyone.

So I went on a date the other day and the date went very good. So we start fooling around. She stops me and says, Jake, where are you into? I'm like, vagina's preferably. And she's like, do you want to know what I'm into? I'm like, sure. She goes, I'm in the men who punch me in the face during sex.

And I say, no, thank you. And she goes, are you sure I can't convince you? I'm like, sure. If you get me text consent, video consent, written consent, and a boxing commission, the sanction about, I'll let the thought enter my ear holes. And she takes her top off.

And I want every woman in here to know that I consider myself a true ally to the feminist cause. Because they would have been sexist to me to not sexually liberate this woman with my mighty fist. Some would say I am the Mike Tyson of feminist. Because that bitch only lasted five seconds of the first round. That's Baker.

Welcome to the show, Jake. He ran up here. I thought somebody ordered a pizza or something like that. This guy is at 29 minutes. He's running up here, 30 minutes or less. You used to run track. Absolutely. You're a little speed demon. Look at you. Texas Tech, you ran track.

Am I correct? Yeah, I did. High school, not college. I'm white. Yeah, that is the cap. You know what I mean? And by the way, good for you coming up after all that energy and still just powering through that.

You're about to shit myself. Yeah, you did good. You finished it strong. When you do shit yourself, when the poop is in your pants, I'm going to have you redo your minute that you did. Tony, I'm chronically constipated, so it'll take a while. Wow. Is that true? Okay, thank you.

I'm glad we got that out of the way. Red Dan's one fart noise that he's allowed to do per episode. Yeah, we did one in episode? Is he just waiting? Oh, I want to do it. Trust me, if I let him do whatever he wanted, it would be the whole fucking show. Everybody's theme song would just be...

Anyway, Jake Baker, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? You remind me of the youngest brother on succession if he wasn't as funny as he is. I've never seen that show, but... You'd have to have HBO to do that. I'm pulling. I got YouTube.

Okay, yes, the constipated man's HBO. Yeah, under three years. Under three years, I love it. And what do you do for a living? I'm currently trying to find a job. Oh, wow, what's your employment experience? I can help you get a job. How many do you think I should help him get a job?

Okay. I worked almost 10 years in my family's roller skating rink. Oh, perfect. Perfect. I'm friends with so many roller skate rink owners that are... Hey, open with that. That's the info we want to hear about. Do you have material about that?

Because that's awesome. Yeah. Are you good at guessing? I know those people, what their job entails, are you good at guessing like people's shoe sizes just from looking at them? I'm pretty good. Really? I'm also dyslexic, so I get it wrong. Oh, okay, should we do our feet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, look at Eric's shoe. Let me get a good guess on what you think you got there. So he's renting roller skates from you and action. I would say size 10 or 11. Motherfucker. Wow. These are 12, baby. I was close.

No, that's pretty wrong. It's not really that close in the shoe world. I'm trying these ones. What do you got for that? 11 or 12? Six girls? It's an 11 and a half, you homos. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, what is that? The smelliest of all three? I'm going to go with a 12 or a 13. Wow, thank you. Right behind you is a nine and a half. I don't know. Wait, wait, wait. I want to know that guy's shoe size. Yeah.

He pulls it up. It's just a clown shoe that looks like this table. He just puts his wallet out there and just goes, ugh. I love it. I know. I don't have material about it yet. So you worked at a roller skating rink.

You were giving people skates because that's all there is to do going out there with a little long dust brush, right? You were skating around a little bit yourself, correct? What else? What else did you do? Did you perhaps like, you know... Well, it was a skate rink slash swimming pool business, so it was also a lifeguard.

Was there a swimming pool in the middle or something? It was outside. So people would go there and sometimes they would skate and then get all sweaty and then go swimming? Separate. It was parties, swimming parties, skating parties. Also, the pool wasn't in the middle of the skate rink. No, no, no.

So people fall in and that would be better, I think, right? It was mostly insurance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So pizza was served at the venue that you've worked for 10 years? For a time, but we bought it from Sam's. We did not make our own pizza. Sam's. Sam's is a pizza place where you come from.

No, it's a Walmart brand? Sam's Club? Oh, wow. You just call it Sam's for short. Okay. Very poor people stuff, everybody. Oh, Sam's, of course. But did you pawn it off like special pizza?

Oh, you ain't shit. You ain't shit. You ain't shit. You're a good kid. What's something that you do for fun? Rollers. Find you a job that you'd actually enjoy. Really? I love roller skating.

No, you stop. Can you roller skate backwards? Can we see what it would look like? Stop. Get your fucking hotline bling ready, okay? I love roller skating. I used to do figure skating.

Shut the fuck up. Can you do like any of the figure skating like jumps? Can you like do like a double lots or whatever? I used to, but now it's just more of like I do it very slowly and then I fall down. Right. Yeah. Figure skating, huh?

I used to when I was like 10. I did it to meet girls and I found out there was any girls. It was just gay men. I quit. I quit that. Did you quit right away or was it like after a few days? He's just in there dropping the soap and nobody's fucking him.

I'm taking my skates and I'm going home. All these other guys are gay. You would have been the first ever street figure skater. So you what else? There's got to be something that doesn't involve skates. Give me one thing in your life, Jake Baker

that you do that doesn't involve skates. Or hitting women. Because I got to be honest with you. Be honest, Tony. I got to be honest. Right now you're skating on thin ice with me. Oh. It's all this talk about skating. Go ahead. I like to stop it, you guys.

I like to draw. You like to draw? Okay. You used to be in special ed. See, there you go. No, let's fuck the drawing for a second. Why were you in special ed? You're a very interesting man. You're a straight guy

that likes figure skating. You seem smart but you're retarded. That's like a plethora of fricked material. And you went with domestic violence. You were swimming, skating, pizza, drawing, retarded, and then you...

That's a lot of things. I have severe dyslexia. He's got writer's blockers. He calls it constipation. I have severe comprehension dyslexia. What exactly does that mean? I don't understand things very well. Right, like the question, what are you into other than skating?

And now I get it. I think a lot of people that come on this show have that, actually. Yeah, I was just diagnosed with it. Really? Recently? No, in, like, first grade. Oh, okay. They told me I was never going to be in... Hold on, hold on. You just said

I was just diagnosed with it. No, I meant... And then you were, like, in first grade. So are you in, like, third grade right now? He's literally talking about his disease and showing us it at the same damn time. There you go. Unbelievable.

It's like asking a person with Tourette's what that's like, and they're like, Shit! Alright, Jake Baker, you are a sweet, sweet boy. You ended up getting through it. Congratulations.

Your first time on KillTone. You've been doing it for years. Come back, sign up again, will you? There he goes, Jake Baker, everybody. Take a big joke book, Jake. You barely earned it, but I'm going to give it to you anyway. Alright. Back to the bucket we go.

You guys get it? Are we here tonight, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Lex Scow. Perhaps Shaw. Sco. One might say if your name is Lex,

you are next. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Lex, everybody. Woo-hoo-hoo! Holy shit! Let's talk cocaine. Has anyone caught the this side of themselves

in the mirror and been like, you have got to get back on cocaine? I am pretty new to being fat, though. I'm like three years in. In all fairness, I wrote that joke two years ago. I have started to make all sorts of weird fat noises, though.

I'm not sure if you caught it, but as soon as I got up those three stairs, I was like... Let's talk dicks. Does anybody feel like their dick confidence varies wildly? Like when my dick's hard,

I'm like, what is up? I'll show everybody here. But when it's soft, I wear like a t-shirt in the pool. I don't believe it. Anyhow, yeah, that's it. All right, Lex.

Absolutely. Welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah, first time on the show. Heck yeah, you look like so many comedians that have been on before. I know. I googled comedian, and then I... Yep, absolutely. This is what it looks like. You look like Fat Galifianakis.

So welcome. You used to do cocaine? Yeah, I used to. Just say Fat Galifianakis. Fatica Laugh is all right. I was fat when I did coke, though, so it's... It's not really that. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years? Four years.

Where at? Tucson. Tucson, Arizona. Yeah. Okay. And why there? How'd you end up there? It's where you were born? It's where my family moved, yeah. Okay. I just grew up there. How old were you when you moved there? Okay, what do you do for work there?

Well, so I work for a pest control company, but like in the office. Oh, how'd you get that job? LinkedIn. Wow. LinkedIn. I think this is the first person I've ever met that uses LinkedIn. Everyone uses Zippercruiter.

Yeah, exactly. The only one to use is Zippercruiter. Zippercruiter. It's the smartest way to hire. If anybody's hiring out there, you use Zippercruiter to hire Jake Baker, who has 10 years of roller skating experience. You forgot to get him a job.

And is mentally ill. Don't forget about that when you're thinking about whether or not it's a good idea. Very important. That goes under special skill. You get some disease nobody's ever heard of. It sounds like the kind that you shouldn't sell a gun to the guy. You know what I mean? Anyway, back to you, Lex. Let's talk about it. So what's your life like?

What do you do for fun? What do I do for this? What else? Oh, shit. Not a ton. I can't afford much else. Okay. How poor are you? Like, what are we talking about? Like, I've been really, really, really poor before. Not that poor, I suppose.

Okay. You still live with your parents? No, no. I actually just stopped living with my wife's parents when we moved out here. You're married? Yeah. Okay. How long you been married for? A little less than a year. It'll be a year in August. Okay. That's awesome.

What did she do? She's a math tutor. Oh, yes. This is looking rough. Looks like you're... I was going to say probably not a lot. They're living with her parents. I did some math here on my notes and it looks like you're going to be poor forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, probably.

A lot of people are wondering what I'm writing down. It's a special equation. Was it difficult to live with her parents? Did they like you or were they just always looking at you like, you ain't shit? For the most part, yeah. I mean, they didn't cook, so... Oh, nothing better than the food

cuisine by the Pesticide. Yeah. Yeah, with those... Roached eggs. Yeah, with those fat fingers. I love it. So, what do you cook? Oh, I mean, what is there? Uh...

Wow. Yeah. All right. Damn. Very confident, oddly enough. Oh, my... In that answer. Well, it just depends on who bought the groceries. If her parents... If her parents bought the groceries, you were like, oh, shit. If you buy it, I will cook.

Right. And if you buy it, you will microwave it. Yeah. Lex, do you have any other special skills or talents other than cooking? Oh, fuck. No, I threw shop at discus in high school. Whoa. It was fun that the other guy did track and I did field.

Okay. That's very interesting. Discus is the sport where the lesbians play, right? Yes, yes, yes. They're the heavy ball. Oh, that's shop put. Discus is flat. Right.

Of course. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Why not get a job in, like, cooking? Like, be a chef or something? Oh, I'm lazy. Yeah, I wish I could work that hard. I just don't have it in me. Okay, what's going on?

You know you're ugly when the blind guy's like, I don't like him. You know what I was saying was, you don't sound lazy. He sounds lazy is what he said. Fuck. Oh, my goodness. Goddamn.

And you know he has an ear for that shit. Yeah. No. He's grown as man as an ear for that. Damn. We've got to do a benefit show for you now. Oh, my God. I love it.

Well, Lex, what else? Is there something else we should talk about with you? Anything else about the history of your life? How serious of a cocaine addict were you? Oh, not that bad, I suppose. I just did it at parties. Oh, okay. After like nine drinks, you're like, I mean, I could be more sober.

You went to a lot of, I'm guessing, pizza parties. Oh, yeah, yeah. He wasn't buying the Coke. Right? He's like, this place is great. There's a skating rink and a swimming pool. What the fuck? All right.

Lex, we got to get you out. How long have you been, what's the longest site you've ever done? Four years. Like 15. I'd love to have you at the secret show Thursday if you can. Whoa, look at that. What is your name? Your last letter. Is it a W?

Yes, Scow. Scow, everybody. One more time for Lex, everyone. There he goes. Here you go, Lex. Lex. God damn it, Lex. Don't do it. He doesn't get anything now. Yeah, he would try to...

Jesus Christ. We're having fun here tonight. Very exciting stuff. Where's, uh... We're going to know you're shitting if you don't come back soon. Pull it under the name out of the bucket. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Dexter, everybody. Here he is.

Mike Dexter. So, my friend told me that if I stop wanting to be being so gay presenting, I need to stop having my eyebrows threaded. Um... I told him if he wants to stop being so gay presenting, he needs to stop hanging out with me. So, I...

I recently got in trouble and talked to for inappropriate behavior in the Equinox steam room. Um... I said, what's so wrong with blowing a few finance bros in the shower? Uh... I'm just trying to save the economy.

I'm just trying to save the economy. Um... I've been having trouble, uh... having an orgasm lately, so I've discovered that I can only come in outdoor locations. Um, it's put me in some really strange situations. Like, uh...

Yesterday I found myself on the side of a jet ski masturbating in the lake. There is no punchline to that one. And that's all I got. Wow. There you go. One minute of stand-up by Mike Dexter. I'm very excited. This is our second figure skater of the night

that we've had. Wow. I wish we had numbers we could hold up. You are still fucking nervous right now, huh? Dude. Now, you're nervous about the economy? Oh, a whole bunch of dicks just fell out of your butt. What happened? Did you guys see that?

That was incredible. There are dicks all over the stage. Oh, my God. Are you nervous about the comedy or nervous about being gay on stage? It's in the middle of Texas. Which one is it? I mean, all of it.

You get out of chill, man. You'd be all right. We want to support you, but your own nervousness is making, you know, lead somebody's in the closet gay dudes. You know what I mean? Your hair's like, oh, fuck this shit out of that, boy. Yeah. But you just gotta relax, for real, relax.

Anyway. I love it, Mike. You are nervous. Is that your first time doing stand-up? Very first time doing stand-up. Wow. Good for you. We popped your cherry. Good for you. I'm guessing it's a chocolate-covered cherry

that we popped here tonight. No, it was two cherries and a banana. Hello. Hello. Mike, I love it. Where are you from? From Houston, Texas, originally, but not... Okay. That's because you like it in your astro.

Love it. Wow. Nothing on that. A Houston astro joke. We got it. That's their professional baseball team, but I guess not with you, homos. All right. Mike, let's talk about it.

You're from Houston. You're just visiting Austin? Oh, wow. I love that. Awesome. Visiting Austin from Brooklyn on the Texas tour. And you decided to start stand-up here in Austin, not New York. Literally here in Austin. It was like, you know, we're here.

We're doing this. Let's do it. Are you on like a gay cruise or something? Who are you with? Where's the rest of your tribe? Can you spot them? Did you come with those guys? Yeah. The Axl Rose look alike.

And then the other... I got it. Why are they claiming you? The two of them are out there. They love you. Good for you guys. I get why you're nervous now. You're from New York. You're in Texas.

And you're like on stage doing this thing. So good for you, man. That's brave. Absolutely. We have a special panel for bravery that we give away on this show. Because you're going to get your ass beat outside. He's like, no, don't punch my asshole. Mike, are you cool with your parents?

What's going on with that? I always like to interview gay people and find out. Right. Well, my parents, you know, Houston, Super Christian, don't have sex till you're married, don't get a girl pregnant. You're like, you don't have to worry about that. Do your parents know?

This would be a great way to come out. I love that. You want to look right at the camera and say, Mom and Dad, I'm gay? I'm full gay. Where are you from here? Yoni, where are you? Mom and Dad? I'm gay.

Come on. Come on. Y-M-C-A. Hill Tony history has been made. You are the first person to come out of the closet in the history of the show. I love it. What do you do for work, Mike?

I remember you when you were a member of the Crack Street Boys. But, uh... It's all downhill since then. Now, I work in, like, an advertising and marketing agency. Oh, OK. What do you love about Brooklyn? Oh, yeah. All the boys. You know, all the girls.

All the theys, the these, the thems. All right. Yeah, that's the part where you lost me. I was wandering. Oh, OK, there it is. OK. What exactly brought you to Texas? The show, the families here. It's summertime.

Part of living in New York City is getting out of New York City. Right. I'm from Texas originally. I love Texas. This is my heart. I love it. Texas fans. What's it like being a gay guy in Austin? Is there a lot of... I've noticed there's a lot of, like, secret gay guys in Texas.

That's the type of guys that fucking, you know, fucking spit tobacco and swallow cum. You know what I'm talking about? A bunch of fucking secret, tough guy gays. They don't really look like... Like, this guy here with the flat bramble. Yeah, dude, what's your problem, bro?

I'll fuck you in the butt, dude. Look at these guys. Real mad about it, too. Look what you're making me do to you. You're making me do this. Stop it. I didn't want this from you. Mike Dexter.

Can you please record your parents watching this video? We should face them. You should record it and then send it to them so they can go, that's just... Oh, man, it's gonna be good. Anybody else want to come out? Brian? I'm good.

You're good? You can't even get Brian to come out of the kitchen. Not to mention the closet. So, Mike, what are we talking about? What are your plans for gay dudes here in Austin? You on the apps or something? Well, so I recently got on the apps again yesterday, actually. Oh, what made you get off the apps?

You know, it's just... It's a lot. Your asshole needed a break. When you go... You know, you were just like... Every time he sat down, he was like, Oh, I got to get off the apps. Wow, Eric Griffin is back.

I'm so happy about that. I'm moving to Austin. We're gonna get you. Not yet. We're gonna get you. When you find out they shoot TV shows and movies here, you're gonna fucking fall in love. That's it. I love it. I'll be in a table with three hotties and my wife.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Mike Dexter might be at your table. Who knows? I love it. And I'll be like, stop it, you fucking stupid. Why are you fucking it so fucking good? And I'll be watching from the kitchen going, Yeah! Unbelievable.

This is the greatest show all the time. While Baker's skating around. Oh, man. So, of your group, who's the... Who... Is that really who you came here with? That group of people? Like, fuck Mary Kill.

You're three friends of him. Fuck Mary Kill. You're fucking the guy in the sunglasses? I mean, why not? Oh, my God. That's incredible. I love that. He's ready for it. I mean, sunglasses. The only guy allowed to wear sunglasses here is D-Madness. And he already ran away

from the stage for some reason. I see him glowing through the audience. I see his glasses back there. Making it back. Other than being gay, what else do you do for fun? Like... Other hobbies or anything like that?

You know, just all the gay hobbies. I like to travel, you know. Yeah. I'm a certified yoga teacher. Doing yoga, fitness, taking care of my body. Right. Water sports. You really fuck outside?

They're mine. I can see. Yeah, it's fun. I was in Spain recently. There's a lot of nude beaches there. A lot of gay beaches there. Dude, you're going to get robbed. Tone it down. Jesus.

Mr. I was in Spain. I was in a bukkake. Super... Yeah. Super duper gay. I'm like, what else other than being gay? You're like, I like to travel. I like hikes with men.

Yoga with dudes. Yeah, dude. What are your... All these hobbies involve balls. I sing in an all-boys choir. Mike, you're fucking awesome. I love your style. I love your sense of humor.

I love that in this world, the fucking haters and people that are scared of things, you came here and fucking literally came out with a big smile on your face. Like, you know, you have it all twisted that this is some, you know, wacky fucking

whatever. You get it. I love people of all different shapes and sizes. I loved you being here tonight. Congratulations on your first set. We're going to give you a little Kill Tony joke though. Oh, you get a little one. But wait. Come on, ladies, and show them in the comedy debut

of Mike Dexter. Why M.C.A. to stand? Why M.C.A. Hell yeah. He really knows who them. I get it now. Why M.C.A.

I've got another name out of this bucket. Everybody's gay. In the name of your next comedian. M.C.A. We got it? Is Kyle Antonio, everybody. Kyle Antonio. No way.

No way. From the same table. That is unbelievable. Whoa. Is this on? Okay, cool. I am not gay. I will let you know. Not a good start. So, as a kid,

growing up, one of the biggest challenges for me growing up was my transition from fourth grade Catholic school into fifth grade public school, but my problem was in transitioning to Catholic school into public school. My problem was that the big difference between me in fourth grade and me in fifth grade

was that I still had my foreskin. Growing up in the Philippines, my dad was a big rotted passage to get circumcised without anesthetics, but he decided like last minute that I do it here in the U.S. and I don't know who or what force told him

it was time for the procedure. It certainly wasn't me, but I just assumed that he thought that I got into attach at that point. But, you know, so the procedure date gets closer and, you know, at that point it's sort of like

begging your parents to let you keep a cute stray on the street, but instead of a stray animal it's your foreskin and you're begging your parents between tears and you're like, I'll take care of them. I believe them. They won't hurt anybody.

Just let me keep it. There you go, one minute, 17 seconds from Kyle Antonio. I love it. It's so good to have Ricky Martin's nephew here this week. I know that. You know,

you know, you can't come on and say this thing you say is I'm not gay and then your whole set be about cock. Yeah. I just had to get it out because you just labeled that little fruit as gay.

This whole table went, huh. Right. You were literally, by the way, for those of you that didn't notice or, you know, watching the podcast, he literally got up from the table that the last comedian, Mike Dexter, sat down at.

Michael on the fuck Mary kill of Mike Dexter. It's unprecedented. The odds of that are insane that two people out of the bucket would be pulled next side by side back to back, which is almost how Mike Dexter likes it.

He likes it front to back because that's how gay sex happens. Anyway, I'm at Mike today. Wow. How'd you meet Mike? What wrong bar did you walk into? The Vulcan? Yeah, you met him here. So they sat you guys together.

No, we met right at the line and we just, like... Hit it off? Right. Yes. Mike's like four skin, more like more skin. Let's go. More for my butthole.

We probably should have given Mike the big book. He looks like a size queen, you know. So, Kyle, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up? First time? First time. Wow, look at that. Absolutely incredible. What made you want to sign up here today? How old are you?

I'm 23. 23 years old, a young buck. I came down... I'm from Arkansas. I came down with my friend. He's going across country to live with his girlfriend and so I was like, fuck it, I'll come down to Austin and we'll sign up for the show. Wait, where is he going to live with his girlfriend

from you that you've ended up in the bottom of the country? So, we're both big fans of the show and so we're like, fuck it, we'll sign up. Wow, so you drove? He drove. A long way. Eight hours. Eight hours, absolutely. Eight hours in the car

with you seems like forever. I'm kidding, you're a good guy. What do you do for work, Kyle? I recently quit my job. I worked in mental health. I worked at a mental health facility in Arkansas. Right. I worked in Massachusetts for grad school. Okay.

What did you do at the mental health place? So, my position was I help kids with behavioral issues so if they have like, you know, anger problems, anxiety, stuff like that I help them find coping skills. Right. Okay, look at you.

Maybe he should stay in Texas. Yeah, we might need you here. Very, very good. What else, how long are you staying in Austin for? I'm leaving tomorrow at 4 a.m. Wow.

Why 4 a.m. if you're driving? He is going to California. I am going back to Arkansas. I'm taking a flight. Oh, a 5 a.m. flight to Arkansas? 5 30? He says that he wants to get up early and drive. Okay.

I get that. What a good friend. And so how long have you been in Austin? We got in Friday. Okay, what did you do fun this weekend? Did you go to an HEB? We did go to an HEB. You did? What did you get at the HEB?

Did you get any HEB products? Because I don't know if you notice this because you're from Arkansas. I'm not proud of it. Right, right, right. But did you try any of their amazing things? Perhaps their brand new stuff, pepper, stuffed chicken breast?

Stuffed. Are you assuming I'm buying stuffed things? Oh. Look at this. No, I would just wait for my friend to take a shit at the HEB. Oh, okay. So he went there just to use the restroom. Just for support.

Wow. Very, very, very interesting. Using HEB just for the bathroom. What do you do for fun, Kyle Antonio? I'm big into sports. What kind of sports? Sports. What a fancy fucking table

that is. Jesus Christ. Get it twisted. I'm not the gay one. I'm the fencer. Yeah. And I'm freshly circumcised. Yeah. I'm nothing like these homo friends of mine

that I just met in line. I have my foreskin. No, I don't. Right. Yeah, I got removed there at the very, very end. That's right. Most of those said it. You have it. It's very traumatizing. In that 60 seconds.

So Kyle, what's your dream girl look like? Let's find out if he's really not gay. Well, she's got a dick, Tony. No, I'm kidding. I'm talking I have a co-worker, but we're not co-workers anymore since I quit, but we're talking

and we're like an on and off thing, but I'm moving, so that's kind of complicated. What's your co-worker? Does that mean she's one of the patients at the mental health facility? I work with junior high kids. Oh, that's disgusting, dude. Wow. Yeah, start describing

the girls that you like, because... 25, 9, pedophile, and... What are some signs of a mental illness that we should look up for? Like, I'm a little concerned there's two people

in the audience wearing masks here in this sold out show. Is that one of the things that you notice a lot of mentally ill people are doing nowadays in July? You guys better have fucking symptoms or something like that. You guys better have gotten these tickets months ago,

like I'm not missing this fucking show. Very good, I saw it off there, thank you. Usually I like to build rapport with my clients first, so we'll play some UNO and we'll get to know each other. That's the game you have to play with mentally ill people, UNO. They fucking love that game. They love UNO so much.

What? Yeah. That's how I met Red Band. Whatever. You better take that back. You better draw four. Alright. Kyle, unbelievable.

I'm so glad that we got to see the debut of two people sets, especially sitting at the same table. That's weird. Who did you guys have to blow? Yeah. Anyway, that was tonight's show. Thank you.

Roll the credits. Roll the credits. Kyle, thank you so much. There he goes, Kyle Antonio. Kyle, take one of these. Congratulations, my friend. Take that back to Arkansas with you. It's a razor back.

Kyle Antonio. Make some noise for your next comedian, Christian Moran, everybody. Christian Moran. Christian Moran. I'm not seeing any movement here.

Here he comes, everybody. One more time for your next comedian, Christian Moran. So I'm trying to look at this with a win-win mentality. So the way I see it, at least if I bomb, I can go really hard on Lose Yourself by Eminem.

Just the first half, when he talks about sucking. I think sometimes when we look at the news of Ukraine, especially from the Ukraine, it's important to read between the lines and see some of the propaganda coming from the Ukraine as well. Like when we see things like they killed nine Russian generals with one sniper bullet.

I don't really think that happened, unless it's, I don't know, they were lined up for a single potato ration or something like that. I get a lot of attention from gay dudes because I have a really big ass. So I just tell them that I got it from my mama. And that's it.

Christian Moran. Take the mic. Christian, how are you? Is this your first time on the show? Okay, welcome, welcome. Nervous. Yeah, definitely. I'm getting Penn State vibes from you.

Mic her out. So when you're nervous, you like to play with your dick in your pants. Is that what you do? That's like a nervous thing. They're just like... Very unorthodox approach to stand-up comedy. You had about two or three feet between you and the microphone.

That's very interesting. Really got everybody to sort of lean forward so that you could really hit them with that nothing that you had. Very, very interesting stuff. You remind me of...

You're very young. You remind me of Justin Bieber, but just the right side of his face. You know what I'm saying? Too soon, man. What, I have a bunch of Bieber fans here? Yeah, we love Bieber. Oh, fuck you guys.

Fuck you, sir. I love it. Okay, Christian, let's talk about it. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy? It's my first time. First time ever! Third in a row! Virgin! This is a cherry sundae.

Love it, you guys. So, first time. How old are you? 27. What made you want to start it here today? I've been pursuing acting for a little bit here in Austin, and it's pretty fucking dry, and

I just felt like I'd rather lean into the funny side of things than the dramatic and serious. How long have you been acting? Like, two years. Do you ever change your expression? I've been told that I'm pretty stoic. Yeah, man.

There you go. Put a smile on your face. And then I was, uh... Be like, hey, bro, you win the lottery. That's so good. Yeah, do all the characters that you act, that you play on things, are they all just that?

Are they all just kind of disgusted? Serious? And then they're jacking off at the same time? I did have a really weird audition request recently where I was chosen to audition for a short film. There's a lot of weird short films going on here in Austin, which is part of why I'm getting out of it,

but a short indie film called Titty Boy, where I would play... Did you get an email from Mike Dexter for this? Is that what happened? Titty Boy. Wasn't that Red Man's nickname in high school?

No, no, no, no. Titty Boy. No. Red Man. I'm a Titty Boy in a Titty World. Okay, so what was the character description

of Titty Boy? It was a young male who had mantits. I can relate. I don't think I had mantits, so I didn't really know if they were going to put on mantits. Oh, man. Pornhub sound

effect for those of you that missed it there. Yeah. That Red Man hit for the first time in the show's history. What? Yeah, so it was like... I thought it was going to be a comedy, just making fun of a guy with mantits or something,

but it was more like... I don't know, I read the sides for it, and it was me in the locker room, and the guy... I don't know. The main thing was I didn't know whether or not they were going to put on fake titties on me or not, so... I almost wish I went for it

just to figure that part out. Maybe you should have. It kind of judgy, don't you think? You know? It could have been a meaty role for you. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. A little fucking... So, what have you acted in?

I guess the coolest thing I was in, I had a really small featured extra thing here in a Linklater movie called The Paul of Ten and a Half. Wow, that's a real movie. What did you play in that movie? I didn't have any lines. I was a featured extra, but... What did you do? What face did you make?

Look at the camera right across there, and make the face that you made. What were you doing in it? You were in the background? You were in The Jury? No, it was a part of the movie where they're fucking around with the arcade, and he's talking about how the hoodlum boys used to rig the arcade machine to get free tickets and stuff.

You were in the back like this? Yeah. Exactly like that. That's the coolest thing you've done. What's the worst thing that you've acted in? He was a featured extra in an arcade... That's the same thing. What's your least favorite character that you've acted?

Did you do plays in school and whatnot? I did plays in school, yeah, in high school, but I didn't act throughout college or anything like that. It was something I wanted to later. Alright, and how do you make your money? I work as an expo at the Vince Young Steakhouse. An expo? Oh, an expo dieter.

Okay, very good. No, that's a different... Vince Young is an athlete. He just heard a man's name in the word young and ran with it. Very, very, very interesting. Does Vince Young ever go into Vince Young Steakhouse? I think as a part of his...

He goes in like once a month, yeah. Oh, wow. Okay, very, very good. An expo dieter is the person that makes sure that everything on the tray is all set and everything's ready before it goes out so that they're not like, oh, fuck, we forgot your corn or whatever.

Exactly. And how long have you been doing that? For about two years. Okay, an important job. It's a lot of yelling. Alright. Can you really do the first part of Eminem's song?

I don't know if I can do that. I was saying that if I bomb, that I can really probably relate to that part the next time I say it. You did. Next time. That's the biggest laugh of the night for him. It's because it's all built up the whole time

from him looking around like this. So when he finally gets to the lab, he just fucking explodes. Alright, Christian, nice to meet you, my friend. There he goes. Christian Moran. Another stand-up debut. Christian, take one of those. Oh, shit.

There you go. You guys still having fun out there, huh? Alright. Make some noise for your next comedian. Uncle Lazer, everybody. That's a fun one. This should be exciting. Uncle Lazer.

Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Uncle Lazer. Alright, well, you can tell by my aggressively bull-died lunch, lady haircut, I'm not from these parts, okay? So I'm from a small village about two hours south of here where we burn trash for fun.

We have sex with relatives because it's cost-effective. Dad, he said he's only paying for one fucking wedding. So you can imagine when I moved here, there's a lot of different things. The skyscrapers, the goddamn traffic, running water. I never knew what white privilege was, but I figured it's an indoor bathroom.

But the main difference is the women. See, where I'm from, the women, they got calluses on their hands. They're farm girls. I don't know if you've ever been jacked off by a farm girl with calluses on their hands. It's kind of like sandpaper, you know what I'm saying? But every once in a while on Hanukkah, they milk that old dairy cow

and they get it all nice and buttery. You know, like an old unpasteurized milk type shit. It is an absolute fucking treat, I tell you how much. Anyways, I went out to the white horse saloon the other night and I met a nice young lady. She had a haircut just like mine. And I knew we was fixing to get nasty with one another by licking each other's buttholes and shit.

That kind of stuff. And I look at her and she got hair on her underarms and I got to think if she got hair on her underarms, she got hair on her pussy. And I do as well, you know what I'm saying? So we're going to get stuck like glue. We're going to look like Siamese twins going to get a cum rag together, you know what I'm saying?

Her mama got to come in there, hit us with a water hose like dogs in fucking heat. You know the type of chicks I'm talking about. Holy shit. Uncle Lancer. He's a wild man. Wow, a tornado of energy. I feel like I should be like at the new intercontinental champion. What a bundle of energy.

You are, sir. This is very exciting. I've always wondered what it would be like if Kenny Powers had a baby with Beetlejuice. Oh, no. This is very exciting. Look, I don't know. Good pull. Same name three times.

Look out. Uncle Lancer. Oh, my God. Shitty nickname. How did you get that nickname? So I just used to cum quick in college, like all the time, right? And the girls would call me Lancer.

But that's when I'm 19, but when you're 30 and you introduce yourself as fucking Lancer, who's this douchebag with American gladiator nickname? So I was like, oh, let me put Uncle in front of it, like the wise uncle that got out of prison on parole. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I can't be 500 yards from a playground, and I can't be 500 yards from a gambling fence.

You know what I'm talking about? Holy shit. I love it. You see what I'm talking about? Sometimes I ask these people questions. They don't have any fucking answers. Tony, I roller skate. I figure skate too sometimes.

I travel to Italy. Uncle Lancer comes up here. He's answering other people's questions. One more thing, Tony, about that. I got a little bit more to talk about there. God-diggity-damn. Is that all true? Are you from two hours south of here? Yeah, it's like two and a half hours.

A little town called Beasley, Texas. There's like more cows than there are people. I thought two and a half hours south of here was Mexico. It pretty much... Yeah, no, it pretty much is, you know what I'm saying? Wow. Wild. So like, what was your childhood like? Shitty, Tony.

I mean, look how I talk, Tony. Two Marlboro packs a day, and I swallowed a frog when I was little, you know what I'm saying? Shitty, Tony. I mean, duh. Look at me, dude. My mama did this permit in the garage before the show, you know what I'm saying?

I feel like you're the type of guy that like made like your own go-kart when you were a kid or something. Yeah, a lawnmower, but it still went. Still went. It was a twofer. It still went. It's still went.

Not how you get there, it's how you arrive, you know what I'm saying? That's right. We're putting that on your tombstone for sure. You're filled with those things. You're filled with like amazing quotes. It's not how you get there, it's how you arrive. You know what I'm saying? Wow, Uncle Laser. I don't know where the chaos begins

and a real human starts. This is incredible. Say perhaps to drunk. Is that your official merch? That's my official merch. I mean, if they're free, say yes. You know what I'm saying? So I would ask what kind of drugs you do,

but cocaine is the answer. There's no doubt about it. I like how you throw the cops off. Like there could be other things too. You might want to look at other things. Not blow. Right. So how often do you do drugs?

Are you serious? I'm hungover. My nose has been bleeding since I got here. I told Bobby. I was like, dude, I'm in a bind. I don't have a septum anymore. It's completely fucking gone at this point. There's no deviation.

I got one fucking nostril, dude. I can do a hell of a line though. Like a Santa Fe railroad line. Uncle Laser. Wow. Oh, man. Yes, that is correct. Red Band said he could do cocaine with a boba straw.

That is fucking good. Oh, my God. Uncle fucking Laser. So how do you make a living? So I work in the oil field. I drill holes in the ground for living in New Mexico. It's basically where dreams go to die. Right.

Shell. Yeah, so we drill the fucking holes in the ground. Our motto is, your hole is our goal. If we can't make it squirt, we'll find someone that will. Corporate didn't like it, but I made t-shirts to fuck them. Wow. Wow.

This is incredible. He's incredible. D-Manus, how did you know he was talking to you? D-Manus is literally beyond human. It is incredible. For those of you just listening to the podcast, Uncle Laser randomly turned around and goes,

this fucking guy knows what I'm talking about. There's six guys behind him, and D-Manus is like, you got a damn right. It's unbelievable. I swear to God, the guy knows more about what's going on in the room than all the non-blind people here. It is incredible.

So Uncle Laser, I don't even know where to go from here. Tell us more. What else do you do for fun? Like, I mean, Jesus Christ. I'm, uh, like, almost a grand champion master at chess. What? Yeah, I have autism. If you couldn't tell,

I wasn't on the spectrum. You will know now. You mean you're the grand master of chess in your hometown? Yeah, all six of us. All six of us at the elementary school. Oh, yeah. It's the only place where farm animals are also in the competition. He doesn't quite have the rules right.

I jumped your queen. King me. D-Manus says he can beat you in chess. Well, this is a great way to hide autism. I'll tell you that right now. Spectrum on the spectrum. That's right. Absolutely. You're on the spectrum and the time, Warner. Look at you.

You got it all going on. You got a legal cable where I'm from, you know what I'm saying? Black box. You got real fucking cable. You have to get up and push the buttons. Yeah, like, we got the fucking, uh, the goddamn, uh, little tinfoil on the fucking rabbit ears, you know what I'm saying?

You play Nintendo 64 on channel three. Let me ask you this. Oh, shit. You know what I'm talking about, baby? That's old school. You know what I'm talking about? Hell, yeah. You got fancy fucks in here with your HDMI cable.

What do your parents do? I mean, I imagine being raised two and a half hours south from here. Uh, my mom just retired from Frito-Lay. The chip place? She made chips for... Hell, yeah. For 30 fucking years, you know. What was the other Frito-Lay place?

All right. It varies where I'm from, buddy. But she, uh, she just retired, and now she's got retirement money, whatever that is. And they pay you chips? Yeah, they pay you chips, yeah. So me and my brother had to share cereal.

We had to share milk together growing up, you know what I'm saying? We were pretty poor, but now she got all money. She's redoing her countertops. She's got a green thumb. She's marked the fucking store. The backyard looks like Rainforest Cafe. I mean, like, I'm like, Mom, you're doing well?

Wow. Wow. And she worked at Frito-Lay for how long? 34 years? Wow. Well, one Dorito closes, another one opens. You know what I mean? Fucking it.

It's an official product of Frito-Lay. I was also going to squeeze in and figure out a way to say Cheeto, but I couldn't get it out. That was beautiful. Well played. Thank you. Thank you. You're a native Cheetos, for sure. Indeed. Indeed.

Indeed. Okay, how about Dad? Was Dad part of your life at all? Yeah, he's cool. They divorced when we were nine. We had two Christmases. That's fucking tight. But he's a good dude. He's funny as fuck. You know, so...

So you have an other family out there? Oh, yeah. I mean, look, we keep it all in the family around them parts. You know what I'm saying? Like, just hard-working dude, redneck, blue-collar, all that shit. Wow, we had two Christmases. It was great.

That's fucking phenomenal. You're amazing. You're like, hi. You ever woke up twice for Christmas in the same day, dude? My mom would do Christmas in the morning at her house, and she'd take me to my daddy's in the afternoon. I have to go back to sleep so Santa can put the presents under the table. Oh, my God. Uncle Laser has arrived.

Yeah, you're fucking welcome. In the Keltone universe. He's giving a master class on how to be a guest on Keltone. You are a goddamn fucking gem, Uncle Laser. What a fucking tree. What a fucking tree. Indeed. Please, please sign up again.

Please come back. We need more Uncle Laser in our lives. Yes, sir. Hey, man. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. If you're in town Thursday, you could do a real stand-up show. The only thing is,

I worked two weeks on, two weeks off. You know what I'm saying? Yes, sir, I sure will. Wow, look at that. Back to the oil fields he goes. Uncle Laser has made his Keltone debut. His Keltone debut. Eric Griffin. What a magical evening.

Gotta go! Gotta go! All right, we gotta get one more name out of this bucket. We didn't get a lady up tonight. Should I pull until I pull a female, huh? Yeah. We had six gay guys, no women.

Unbelievable. The odds. Okay, to Jack. Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first female of the night, your last comedian out of the bucket. Make some noise for Sarah Klein, everyone.

Here we go. Get a bow! Get a bow! One more time for Sarah Klein, everybody. Come on. I was talking to this guy that I've been sleeping with, and he asked me,

where do you stand on anal sex? I was, like, usually behind. I was, like, usually behind. I was, like, pretty behind.

I was fucking that same guy the other day. And he had major whiskey dick. So I felt like I was in front of one of those motion-activated paper towel dispensers. Just, like... Hello?

Do something. Dispense. Something. Finally, I wiped my hands on my pants and I said, fuck it. Yeah. Absolutely. Sarah Klein,

ladies and gentlemen, with her first time on Kiltony, correct? Welcome, welcome. You are absolutely hilarious. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. All of it here in Austin? Some in Austin, some in Dallas.

I love it. Absolutely awesome. So three years. How's it going for you? Good? Good. What's the longest set you've ever done? 20 minutes. 20 minutes? That's good. Do they have a home club here? Like in Dallas or here?

Dallas. Comedy Arena. It's in McKinney. Oh, okay. That's different. All right. They're hiding you out there in some ranch or something like that. I've never even heard of that place before. How far away from the downtown Dallas is that?

Like in 20, 30 minutes north. Okay. That's not that bad. So Sarah, how do you make a living? I don't. Living with my parents right now. Oh, cool. How old are you? 24.

24? That's not that bad for living with parents in 2022. You're right on schedule. Yeah. If this was 2001, we'd be like, get your life together. That's right. Oh, man.

You've got like six and a half more years. You're going to be fine. Oh, my goodness. What's it like living with your parents? They're still together? Yeah. Are they sort of like Christiany as well? These Texas parents?

No, no. It was awkward though. I get my packages, you know, there and my dad opened up a package of Plan B recently. That was for me. Oh, shit. Right. You should have blamed it on your mom. Yeah.

I know. Oh, man. You blame it on him. Stop busting inside, man. Incredible. A package of Plan B in the mail. I didn't even know that was a thing. Is that like in bulk or something like that?

No. I just got scared living in Texas, you know. Right. Someone was on earlier. They had Sam's Best Walmart whatever products. Do you get the actual Plan B or do you get like Plan C?

Yeah, I guess it was Plan C. It wasn't called Plan B. Oh, wow. What was it called? Oopsy Daisy? So you don't get any condoms sent to you. You just go right to the Plan B, huh? Hell, yeah.

From Whiskey Dick to the Risky Dick. You know what I'm saying? That's going to be Tom Cruise's next remake. I love it. So Sarah, very cool. Do you ever hear your parents have sex? No, I did find my dad's by Agra though.

Whoa. Hell, yeah. Give it to Whiskey Dick, boy. You know what I'm saying? Solve all your problems. All of a sudden, the paper towels will start coming everywhere, you know what I mean? Okay. Do you ever try to get boys back to your parents' house?

Yes. And you like have to sneak them in? Uh, no. I actually don't live in the same building as my parents. There's like a separate building in our backyard. Damn, your dad's just walking around open in everybody's mail, huh? Separate building in the backyard.

Okay. So it's probably pretty easy then. Do you have like a barking cock block of a dog or anything like that? Uh, I do have dogs. My dad also has cameras, but I just don't care. Right. Right. Let dad watch. Yeah, sure. I mean, that's got to be sad.

Dad's looking at the thing like, oh, my daughter's a whore. Oh, this is horrible. I know what the fuck's going on. Dad's jerking off. He's counting the plan B's. I wonder what happens if I take one of these?

Oh, Sarah, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? I, uh, I pole dance. Really? Is that true? It's true. You don't seem like a pole dancer. Six years. I didn't realize they had poles at the library. Yeah, yeah. Wow, pole dancing.

Six years. And not stripping. That's just like, sort of like you keep your clothes on. You just sort of... Love strippers, though. You love strippers. I do, yeah, for sure. Okay, absolutely. Red Rose. Our official sponsor is the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. Very excited

that somebody's talking about a pole. Very, very... So you, uh, you say you like strippers, so you're like, probably you... You have girls come over, too, probably? Uh, not as much as I'd like. Wow.

Oh, dude. There's some ladies out there. Well, I mean... Very, very interesting. Do you have an Onlyfans? I do not. Whoa, Red Pan seems suspicious of this, uh... I think he's a subscriber.

Okay. Sarah, what else have you got you? What else in your entire life? You ever win a trophy for anything, or like something like that? Uh, not really. Something about me, though. I have two vaginas. Shut the fuck up. I'm in!

Wait. Look at all these jealous bitches out here. I don't know. But do they have different period cycles, or are they... Uh, no. I literally have like, one thousand more questions after this, so... Are you talking about your butt hole?

No. So you have three holes? Oh, my God. So the three of us could... My goodness. Let's do it. Wow. Amazing. Wow. Okay, who's...

What's been the freakiest response you've ever gotten? Like, have you ever had someone be like, What the fuck? Somebody just short-circuit, some guy go down to eat your pussy, and he's just like, Uh... No, it's actually... It's not quite as exciting as it sounds.

Oh, okay. Sorry. From the outside, it looks normal. It's not until you, like, go in that there's, like, a septum. Whoa. So it's sort of like a screen door you have. Yeah. And then the main door is right there. No, it's like a purse with an extra pocket. You know what I mean?

You have, like, a little change purse. Exactly. Okay, I like that. It's not... The blind guy got it. See, Madness is loving this shit. Uh... One of them is actually, like, infant size, though.

It's really small. Ooh, stop teasing us. Oh, my God. So, wait, wait, you have a tighter pussy in your tight pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's not the dream. I'm telling you right now.

Baby, this pussy's not tight enough. Keep going. Cody, are you here tonight? Cody, the GM of the Yellow Roses here. Cody, I'm pretty sure I just found your fucking Michael Jordan here, uh...

I've got the gift! Whoo! Spitch'll have guys going to the ATM all night, like, I can't believe what the fuck I'm seeing. Incredible. Like, inside of a vagina, I'm like a lot of comedians tonight that have penises inside of their butthole.

With foreskin. An anomaly. Red Dan is hard as a rock. Let's check it with him right now. See, I can, like, pick you up like a six-pack or something, right? She's like one of those little china dolls that, you know, you take the pussy out,

and then there's another pussy. Right. If you ever go to the ocean, do you have to cut the slit so the ducks don't choke on it? Oh, man. Oh. So you don't live here, right? No? Uh, not currently, no. Dallas.

Uh, I would love to have you on a secret show anytime you're in town. Thursday. Cotton candy, Randy. Red Band made that booking in the second he heard two vaginas. Yeah. He's like, uh, I don't even care how good you are.

Her name's already down. You can open and close if you want. Her name's already down. I kind of think, I feel like we all really wanted it to be, like, two separate pussies, you know what I mean? That's the dream. You can shave one and not the other.

Like, dealer's choice, you know what I mean? Right. We wanted it to look like a toaster of it. You know what I mean? Yeah, a fucking toaster. You can put an air tag in it, though, just in case we get lost. Red Band. She's not putting an air tag in her second pussie.

It's unbelievable that you would save. Have you ever thought about that before? All right. Well, you might lose it, you know what I mean? So you want to make sure two pussies. All right. Sarah. And this guy's got three. Goddamn it.

I knew. I knew I had to keep you here for this. He headlined all weekend here in Austin. Oh, I'm so glad I stayed. It was a fucking Monday for us. And because Eric's a fucking legend. An amazing way to get us out of this

bucket part of the show. Sarah Klein, you are without a doubt one of the funniest comedians and, of course, one of the funniest females that we've ever had on the show. Your interview. Your minute incredible. We got to get one for each pussie.

We got the big pussie. Eric Griffin just gave her a big joke book and a little joke book. One for each of her pussies. No doubt about it. From the Great Bones Eye. That's real Texas leather.

How loud can this place get for the Kill Tony debut of Sarah Klein? Sarah Klein. No doubt. Thank you, Sarah. Wow. What an episode.

This is chaos here tonight. And there's only one way to end this show like this. And it is with the greatest regular to have ever have graced the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this man has done more brand new minutes

than anyone ever in the history of the show. He's currently headlining his own show here tomorrow night. This is William Montgomery. The Big Red Machine. The Memphis Strangler. The vanilla gorilla. So I can actually vouch

my sister does have two pussies. Um... The women out in the... Ooh. Let me start this one over. Ooh. The women out in the streets protesting the Supreme Court's abortion

ruling said they're going to refuse to have sex with men. In other news, I'm going to refuse to be a member of Hootie and the Blowfish. Ain't nobody trying to have sex with you bitches! Arch Manning has committed to play quarterback for the Texas Longhorns. The next question

is what defensive player will he lose the Heisman to? That's a good Peyton Manning joke for anybody curious why that one's funny. Green Day's Billy Joe Armstrong said he's renouncing his US citizenship and moving to London over the Supreme Court's abortion ruling,

which is actually sad because I really liked Green Day when I was fucking six. Gatorator recently began phasing out 32-ounce bottles in favor of 28-ounce ones but charging the same amount. Also charging the same amount for an inferior product, Red Band's Mom.

She's an aging prostitute. That's why that one... She's an aging whore. You all should see how fucking old she is. I can't believe she's still selling her pussy to people. It's nasty. It's sickening. She is so old. Why does she like 70?

She's older than 70. She's older than 70. 82. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Oh. She's 82. 56, man. You're 56?

Okay, I didn't need to fucking know that. Why are you fucking telling me that shit right now? If you all found out Apex Twin burnt CDs using lighter fluid, you'd all be like, he's such a genius. Okay, I'm ending with the Apex Twin joke. That's sad. Wow.

William Montgomery. The living legend. The vanilla gorilla. The Memphis strangler. The big red machine. You are back. You are wearing an Indeedus track suit for the first time ever. And I cannot tell.

There seems to be something a little bit different about you. What do you mean? What do you mean? You have two beards like the girl had two pussy. I'm actually very excited to announce to everybody I am Bosley Hair Club's new spokesperson.

It's a multi-year $100,000 contract. I'm not only a client, I'm the play of president. I'm the play of president. Yeah, this operation it only took me two days. I was literally under the knife for two days for this to happen.

But I think it looks pretty realistic, don't you all? That's a match dude. It's two different colors. It matches, it's the same color. What are you talking about? It's definitely two different colors. It's not two different colors. Yeah, it's definitely two different colors.

It's not two different colors. Yeah, the beard and the eyebrows are the same color but the hair on top, I think they accidentally did a different color or something. No, I think this was on purpose. I mean, it cost me $30,000 for this operation. It's the same haircut, it's the same color.

No. Yeah, thank you. Matt Mueling who literally never says anything just said that it's cinnamon and honey mustard. He hasn't spoken in seven months to this guy. He's making a real point to say cinnamon on the top

and honey mustard at the bottom. I don't think that's very accurate. That's why you don't fucking ever talk and keep it fucking that way. What the fuck are you talking about, dumbass? Why the fuck would you say cinnamon and brown? What did you say?

Cinnamon and honey mustard, that's hilarious, dude. Stick to playing the fucking guitar, man. It doesn't look like fucking cinnamon and honey mustard. Why the fuck would you say that, dude? Oh, shit. William is mad about this. Definitely.

Dean Madness loves it. Thank you. Dean Madness is literally the only person in the room that thinks it's the same color. This is absolutely incredible. It's definitely two different colors. I don't know why we keep talking about this. You have the hair of a Chucky from Child's Play

at the top and fucking graham cracker cookie crust at the bottom. It's totally two different colors. It's not two different colors. Can I just take a guess here? Yeah. You said that it was a two-day procedure. Did one surgical team

do the beard and eyebrows and another one did the hair? It was two different surgical teams. It really was. It's weird you just said that. I mean, it was a 48-hour surgery. Wow. The first set of doctors get real tired. I mean, it's literally a 48-hour fucking ordeal.

I was under for 48 hours. From the looks of things, he was the fucking surgeon. Did you at any point wake up during the operation and see a man with glowing glasses over here? That's helpful. Oh, my goodness. William Montgomery. So what else has been going on in life?

This Adidas track suit is legit. Yeah. Yeah, I'm still... Eric, you don't know this, but I'm actually Adidas' new sponsor as well. It's a multi-year, $700,000 contract I signed with Adidas. They saw some of my old basketball videos.

They liked what they saw. So now I'm pretty much a new person. I'm just wearing this. I'm wearing this fucking new Bosley job. That is shit. It was a horrible mistake. My face fucking sweats 24-7 now.

My face is sweating right now. I sort of see it. Yeah, you look wet. And they did mess up around the fucking mouth. The mouth, the hair should be closer to my mouth. It's a nightmare. I can't eat pizza anymore. I can't eat fucking. Yeah, wait, let me see your mouth. Why is that so fucking funny?

Dumb asses? Fuck. Because your lip looks like a nipple. You look like an idiot. Oh, my God. You have an innie now. Yeah. Your mouth doesn't move at all.

Say stuff. Hey, so it's very exciting to be here tonight. I'm Bosley's new spokesperson. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. I can't eat spaghetti anymore.

It's so weird. I can't eat fucking spaghetti anymore. That's my favorite food. I can't eat macaroni and cheese. What are you going to do? Are you happy with this? Are you going to ask for a little touch up? What's the plan here exactly? I don't really know other than I have found out the executive's office, building, and number.

I've started making some pipe bombs. I'm thinking I'm going to start sending some stuff in the mail to Mr. Bosley. Wow. I can't fucking live like this anymore. The FBI... Somebody's about to get some explosive mail.

I'm going to fill them up with nails. Wow. Can you imagine the FBI when they fucking analyze that crime scene and they're like, well, there's a little honey mustard here. There's a little...

Little cinnamon. They found what can only be described as cinnamon hair. Yeah, it was a horrible mistake. I mean, literally now that I'm up here seeing everybody, hearing everybody laugh, it's something I regret. I shouldn't have done it. I mean, I was literally under the knife

for two fucking days. I almost didn't make it. Wow. Yeah, I almost died, Tony. I didn't tell anybody that. I literally almost died under the fucking thing. What were the complications? I fell out of the table. I fell off the table. I was moving around a bunch

in my sleep and I... During a beard and hair operation. Beard and hair operation. I'm just trying to figure out what they're fucking talking about that's so fucking important right now. I'm having the set of my fucking life.

What are you all talking about? Seriously, what are you all talking about? What's going on, bitch? Looks like some old hag back there. What are you talking about, bitch? Shit. Raise your hand so people can see who you are.

Raise your hand, bitch. Oh, shit. Ooh, look at that guy. Little bit tougher than you thought he would be. I know, I was kidding, sir. Wow. I didn't see you back there. I was totally kidding.

Yeah. He's still under the medicine. You know what I mean? He's gone so good tonight. When you got the Bosley operation, did you imagine that your career was going to change for the better? No, this is actually

not how I imagined this was going to go. I thought I was going to be able to come out here and parade around and be happy in front of all you people. But when I woke up and I looked at myself in the mirror, I could tell it was a horrible mistake I had made.

I mean, I quite frankly don't have $30,000 to be throwing around at beard and hair plugs. I mean, seriously, I don't have $30,000 to be throwing around like that. Now I'm in debt, it's just a whole... So you literally dreamed about this? I literally dreamed about this.

Yeah, I'm sorry for disappointing all of y'all. I thought I was going to come up here and... Perfect. By the way, Tony, we didn't have, like, the stuff to stick it on him earlier,

so I gave him gorilla glue. Wait a second. You gorilla glued that? No, you did it. Oh, my God, no. No! Dude, you fucking dumbass! No.

Red Band has gotten his revenge. I got the one off. Why would you do me like this, dumbass? Ouch! There's a chunk missing for sure. Wow, it's the same beard. I was fucking around!

It wasn't real. Now you're all cinnamon. What about the top? Is that real, too? It was fake, too. In case you're curious, that was also fake. Wow. Yeah.

My goodness. William Montgomery is on cameo. He is headlining a show here tomorrow night. He's headlining his own shows now. Check him out on cameo. Get your birthday wishes. Have him yell at your significant other for their whatever celebration

or anything at all. What else, William? Yeah. Come to the fucking show tomorrow. I'm bringing 200 Zanex bars that I'm going to sell out front before the show. Catch William doing a very, very long set tomorrow night here at Vulcan. There he goes. One of the best ever

do the damn thing, William Montgomery. Can I say something? I was just going to say, how loud can this place get for the great and powerful Eric Griffin, everybody? Come on! Love y'all! One of my true friends.

One of my true comedy store brothers. We're very, very different, but we crack each other up. I absolutely love that you stuck around this weekend. You too, man. This is great. I'm so glad I did. This is like you were... It actually exceeded the expectations.

God damn it. I love to hear it. He's Riffin' with Griffin, where everywhere where podcasts are available. Also his new podcast, Gen to Gen, talking with younger people about different things and shit like that. Tickets are available at EricGryffin.com.

E-R-I-K-Gryffin.com All one word. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, and Deep Eddie vodka. How loud can this place get for the Kill Tony Band, everybody? Fantastic! Paul Deemer on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on drums.

John Dees on the keys. D-Madness on bass guitar and the great Matt mulling on the electric guitar. We did it again. A lot of fun shows coming up in the very near future. Everything sold out for as far as the I Could See

for right now. But more tickets going on sale soon. That announcement will be here into the Kill Tony people first red band. Thanks, guys. Thank you, everybody. Good night, everyone. Good night! Ladies and gentlemen,

I forgot to mention local artist Chris Rogers who was drawing during that entire episode. Let's see what he did. Started with a blank canvas at the beginning. Oh, I do believe that's a grilled-up

Hans Kim, everyone. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That piece is actually for sale.

So go up to Chris Rogers and make an offer. He splits the money with him and Hans Kim since it's his face. So get a picture of Hans Kim with a grill. Take it home with you. Make it the best offer that you can. Again, thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you.