KILL TONY - #569 - THEO VON

Episode Date: August 6, 2022

Theo Von, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/25/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:TALKSPACE! – As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code TONY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show. That’s TONY and talkspace.com.—LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

You guys ready for the best goddamn night of your lives or what? Yeah, make some noise for Red Band, everybody. This is the man to my left. Red Band is here. Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, and Deep Eddie Vodka. How about a hand for the fucking band, huh? Are they amazing or what? That's the great Matt Mueling on guitar.

That is D-Madness on the bass guitar live in the flesh. That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. And that's the great John Dees on the keys who's playing this Sunday at Parish, the Super Jam at 6 p.m. Very, very exciting stuff. That is the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony band and also the show brought to you by the Hotel Grand Duca where now you can use the promo code Kill Tony and save 25%

on a Sunday or Monday night stay at one of the best hotels in the entire city. Here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you for free here right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian. And I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again, August 26th and 27th. I'm in San Antonio, Texas, September 8th through the 10th.

I'm back at West Palm Beach, Florida, September 29th through October 1st, Nashville, Tennessee, October 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, October 14th and 15th. I am in Boston, Massachusetts, November 4th and 5th, New York, New York, December 9th and 10th. I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas, January 13th and 14th of 2023. I'm in Dallas, Texas. In February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com.

All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now. Get tickets while you still can. Hey, y'all, when they say mental health is a journey, they mean it. That's why it's important to prioritize your mental health and wellness every single day. When you work on yourself, it brings positive changes in all areas of your life. The long-term effects of therapy can give you the tools to deal with the challenges as they arise, strengthen your relationships and give you a more positive outlook on life.

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That's Tony at Talkspace.com. You know what else? We are deep into the summer here and I'm telling you, this Texas heat is no joke. One of the things that I've been doing lately to acclimate to these ridiculously, ridiculously hot temperatures is hot yoga during the day. So I'm walking out of 130 degrees and into 110 degrees and the point is I have to stay hydrated. It is important to be proactive about keeping our bodies completely fueled, making hydration

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Make sure you use the code Tony so they know that we sent you. That's 15% off anything you order when you shop for better hydration today using promo code Tony at liquid IV.com. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Every single week, we have one of the funniest people in the world on this one. Extremely, extremely special that you are here, ladies and gentlemen. This comedian joining us tonight has been on this show before. He is, I probably, one of the guys that I've worked with more than probably statistically

almost anybody at the comedy store. I mean, I brought him up. He's brought me up thousands of times. You know him from his two Netflix specials and his hit podcast this past weekend. This is Theo Vaughn, everybody. Wow. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Wow. The man, the myth, the legend, regular people, no offense this past weekend. You know him. You love him. Theo Vaughn is back on Kill Tony, one of the greatest guests in the history of the show. One of my good, good friends and one of my comedy store brothers. Good to see you again. Welcome back, sir.

Yeah, bro. Good to be here, man. Thank you, sir. I love it. We're going to have fun tonight. You know how it works. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on the stage. If we have a bucket full of names, we're going to meet a bunch of wild people here tonight.

And we have some regulars. They all do 60 second stand-up comedy sets and then I interview them afterwards. We find out more about them. You know, their uninterrupted stand-up comedy, 60 second set is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just is angry and cuts them off aggressively if they go too long over their time.

That's that drug bear, son. He is angry tonight. And yeah, that's it. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Everything is in place. Before we get to the bucket, let's start the show with one of our favorite regulars in the world in the history of the show. We watched this man go in just a year from living in a van to being absolutely rich, buying

new outfits every week on Amazon, performing in arenas with Joe Rogan. Ladies and gentlemen, giving us a brand new minute. This is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up, Texas? Good to be here. Thank you for putting on your dress crocs and combing your mullets to drunk drive over here tonight. Love it here.

I just spent my third week in Florida. I've been to Florida so many times. I've become an honorary Coke dealer. People are taking swipes off me and snorting it. It's great to be in Florida because they were the sex trafficking capital, which is great because I knew I wasn't the only Asian on stage performing for a bunch of horny old white dudes. But Biden got COVID, which is predictable.

We elected a 77-year-old man during the middle of a pandemic. What do you think was going to happen? I think it's hilarious that all the oldest people are running our government. They can't even figure out iPads, but they're in charge of our judicial system. If you go to the White House, everything's run on steam. There's only one outlet per room. It doesn't even have a third prong. But that's my time.

Thank you very much. All right, Hans Kim, with a new minute. There you go again. You keep going back to Florida again and again and again. Tell us more about this. Why is this? Are you booking your own tours? They're just sort of contacting me and giving me a bunch of their Coke money, so I'm taking

it and running. For example, this weekend that you just had in Florida, what did you do? What's that like for you? I basically slept all day, then went to the shows, then took some pictures with the fans, which I like because sometimes the ladies will put their boobs into my torso. Oh my God, wow, you are a giant seven-year-old. That's very exciting. That is incredible.

Hell yeah, boy them tits. I love it. That's to you, dude. Thank you, P.O. You see me, Connor. I'm learning from the master. Tell us more. Tell us more about this weekend.

Anything crazy happened? Shows went good? Yeah, shows went good. There was a Coke dealer that did 30 minutes of hosting before me, which was fun. He runs the comedy club. How do you know he's a Coke dealer? Why are you so not afraid to say that out loud on a wildly popular podcast? Well, he says it himself in front of his crowd, so.

Did you almost say his spanics there for a second? That is Florida. You ever do Coke cons? Yeah, every now and then when it's free. Wow. What do you do after doing cocaine? I don't really know much about cocaine. I usually gag a little bit after I do it.

Oh, okay. Are you smoking the cocaine? Are you doing lines off of someone's dick? Exactly. Where does the gag part come off of? It just tickles the back of my throat. A little white stuff in the back of my throat. Whoa.

All right. You made that gay. That was you that time. Hans, what are you looking forward to? You've been doing a lot of Florida. What else is going on in life? How's your life here in Austin? It's great.

I'm back together with my ex. We just had sex in a pool. Whoa. Look at that. Absolutely. Whose pool was this? Because I get the feeling it was perhaps a public pool. It was her apartment's pool.

Oh, fuck yeah. Look at that. How'd you do that with a condom though? It seems impossible. Hans famously always uses a condom. He practices very, very safe sex. So you put on a condom and... I didn't.

Whoa. Oh my goodness. Did you have any protection? Perhaps floaties or something like that. Out there having unprotected pool sex. Yeah, chlorine kind of kills semen. Wow. Very interesting.

Very risky business out there. What was the change of heart though for her? Because you've always said that she was very strong in having to wear a condom. Is it the abortion law now that she's trying to trap you? Or something like that? Yeah, she found out you're making arena money now. No, she's a hippie.

So I don't think she likes money. I think it's just like, fuck it. She's like, too far away, you know? Okay, were there other people in the pool? No, there were, but then they got scared away. Right. I bet. Okay, and how long did this whole experience last? How long were you shoving pool chemicals deep inside of her vagina?

Classic, classic way of causing yeast infections and whatnot. Tell us more. Well, we started out with some sex. I finished in about like two and a half, three minutes. Very good. Okay, that's 40 seconds, by the way, for those of you that don't know the conversion rate of sex. That's how to do it, man. You got to finish early, bro. Yeah.

You can do other stuff. And then I fingered her to... Oh, wow. Yeah. I thought I was gonna get it. I got to be a gentleman. What? That guy's sick.

Now, Hans, this is interesting. Were you wearing your goggles? No, I wasn't. I forgot my goggles that day. I was in Las Vegas, Nevada with Hans, where we stayed at a very, very, very, very, very nice hotel. And one of the days I was walking to get a coffee or something like that, and Hans is walking back from the pool like a child, no shoes, no socks, fucking goggles swinging in his hand,

no shirt on, bathing suit, all by himself. And I said, Hans, did you get those goggles from the pool? Because it's a really nice place we were at. And you said... I brought them with me from Austin. This boy brought his own pool goggles, ladies and gentlemen. It's an Asian thing. You've ever heard in your entire life.

It's like bringing a calculator to the pool. All right, Hans. Well, you did it again. Another new minute. I absolutely love talking with you and catching up every week. And thank you so much. How about a hand for the great Hans Kim, everybody? Thank you. There you go. It has begun.

And now we go to the bucket. This is where shickets a little bit weirder. It could be anybody. It could be someone's first time. It could be a local legend. It could be anyone. It could be someone that traveled thousands of miles. Your first comedian tonight out of the bucket

goes by the name of Joe McNamara, everybody. Here we go. Joe McNamara. Here he comes, everyone. Oh, he looks white, bro. Oh, hell yeah. Make some noise for Joe, everybody. Come on. Come on.

For the first time in my life, this morning, I got caught watching pornography. At least I think I got caught when I heard the door crack open. I was too embarrassed to take off the VR headset. It's the last time I bring my Oculus Quest 2 over to my grandparents' house. It's probably the last time I bring myself over to my grandparents' house. I only got care to find out who caught me with a joystick in each hand.

I talked to little bro. I talked to little bro right before this. He's like, dude, Joe, I think it was grandma. It was grandma for sure. I'm like, what? No, did she say something? He's like, oh, she said something. She said, worst birthday ever. I wish he didn't come.

Thankfully, my grandmother's fairly young and healthy, so there'll be more birthdays. It just sucks. I ruined her 69th. Thank you, guys. That's my minute. Joe McNamara. By far one of the funniest slithering comedians in the United States of America. Ironic you got caught yanking your snake over there. Yeah.

I was helpful and in puffing, dude. Yeah, pulling on the old hog war. You know what I'm saying? Not anymore. Not anymore. I got antibiotics, Tony. We're good. OK, OK. More hog warts. Oh, gotcha, Joe.

I'm done. I'm done. I'm going to answer real questions. OK. How do you think you did? Honestly, I'm not being rude. Honestly, I've been waiting to go up again, and I didn't think I'd be nervous. It's been like a year, and as soon as I heard my name, I got quite nervous.

Oh, yeah. I've been opening sets with that joke just to, like, do silly shit up front. I thought it went OK, but it's gone better. I'm not ashamed of it. Yeah. More ashamed of the VR situation. Wait, did that really happen?

No, no. I recently got a VR headset, and the whole time, I'm like in a shower scenario. This is the point I'm watching, shower, beautiful girl below me, and I'm like, I thought. Hold on. Stop, stop, stop. So you got a new VR. This is the reality I'm talking about is virtual.

And the whole time... The whole time, I'm standing there in my room, and I'm like, did I lock my door? So I took the VR headset up, and I have a sliding door, so I did not lock it. I'm like, holy shit. What if someone walked in on me? And then bam, new joke, started writing it.

Right. Yeah. So you literally do watch... The grandma part isn't true, but you literally do watch VR porn with a headset on, but naked? There's a lot of prep work. Usually not. If I'm feeling...

If I'm feeling... If I got the time, Tony, yeah. Like, I need like a 30-minute window. Like, say the roommate went to get groceries. 30 minutes. Hans Kim can come 30 times in that time. That's fair. That's fair. 30. God damn it.

I usually hit phone screen. What kind of slow ass porn are you watching? You got to load it up. You got to find the right video. You got to make sure no one's home. Damn. You have a slow internet connection, my friend. Yeah, all right.

You got to load the video one year. I got this VR on Windows 95 over here. Fuck it. Dude, one time. One time, my mom, I was touching myself, and I was a child, you know? Yeah. And my mom came in, and then she's like...

I was like, get out, you know? How did she all get out at her? And she went out, and then... And I kept doing it, and she just came right back in. What? That's crazy of her. Why was she coming back in? I don't know.

Maybe. Proud? Proud of you? I don't think she was ever proud of me. All right. Me too. That's why I've been doing this now. My mom caught me once.

I had a towel, or I had just gotten out of the shower. I was a little boy. I remember, because I was like... This is when I was jerking off like 12 times a day. It was incredible. I thought I had found the newest fucking crypto, you know what I mean? Yeah. And she came in, so I had a towel on, right?

And she came in, and I sort of turned around. I'm like, get away, get away, whatever. And she's like, what the fuck is going on over there? Because it was a towel. And back then, when you're younger, it really fucking sticks up. You know what I mean? Yeah. And she just saw this vibrating thing.

Just this little basically outtick. Like a sideways TP, if you will. Yeah. Anyway, then we had sex. No, I'm kidding. I don't know. That's a good story. I'm sorry.

I know there should be a big thing there at the end, but... So, Joe, let's talk about it. Where are you from? San Marcos. I went to college at Texas State. What do you do for work? During the day, I sell cybersecurity remotely. Wow.

Cybersecurity, and you're getting caught jerking off. It's incredible. I'm using my work computer, too. Yeah. That is absolutely incredible. You still jerk off at your age? What? Yeah, for sure.

Okay. With a face like that, I'm guessing he almost exclusively jerks off. I don't know who jerks off anymore. I don't know who's still doing it. A lot of people aren't doing it. Only recreationally, yeah. Joe, what do you do for fun? And are you an albino?

No. No. You know, the sad part is it's like the end of the summer, so I can't even... I've been outside, but it doesn't show, I guess. Fuck, man. I guess these lights are... For fun. Yeah, for fun.

What do you do? Lately, this is going to sound stupid. I hate to keep bringing VR up, but... Wow. So, I used to really... He's wondering why he doesn't have a fucking suntan. Meanwhile, he's like, well, I do go to the beach in VR, Tony. Go ahead.

Tell us more about this VR. VR table tennis. It's a good time. It's a fucking good time. I used to play regular table tennis. This requires no effort. It's easy. I've been whooping ass.

Right. Wow. That's video games. I skateboard and fucking work out with my dog. We fuck around. We run laps. Is it a VR dog or is it a VR dog? It's a Nintendo pet.

You got me. Alright. Nintendo dog, whatever. Alright, Joe. What is your love life like? You know, this sounds... You always preface everything with like bullshit. Well, Tony, you're never going to believe this, but...

No, it's non-existent. When's the last time you, like, hooked up with somebody? I fucked my duplex neighbor a couple times. And that got sticky and... Not literally. Your duplex neighbor. So we're talking about... Yeah.

You live in like a house that has a second side to it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I live on the back side of this house, and I came home after one of my comedy shows. And she's like, what do you do? I'm like, I'm a comedian. She's like, no way. She's like, what's in your backpack? I'm like, Miller Light.

And she's like, whoa, can I have one? And I'm like, you can have two. And then... Wow. And then she's like, I see your dog sometimes. I'm like, sometimes I see yours. And then our dog's fucked, and then so did we. Wait a second.

Are you serious? I'm dead serious, Tony. The dogs... That's what it takes for you to get laid? Your dog has to fuck the person's dog first? Okay, yeah. That's, yeah. That happens a lot.

Thanks. Thanks, Theo. Thank you. Thank you. I wonder, heat lamp up here. It does happen. It does happen. No, but there's this girl I met that's from Pennsylvania.

I went to Houston, and she flew in for my buddy's birthday, and I hit it off with her. I've been texting her here and there. I kind of want to go to Pennsylvania. Wow. You're going to go to Pennsylvania? I've never been, but I think I'm going to go. You keep saying Pennsylvania, so I'm guessing it's not Pittsburgh, and it's not Philly. It's somewhere around Gettysburg.

She's a Gettysburg gal. Oh, my God. Historic pussy, dude. I'm in. I'm fucking... Wow. Very interesting, Joe. I don't even know where to begin with you.

You are the whitest thing we've ever had on this stage before. It's absolutely incredible. I'm so sorry. The only person who sees darkness when they look at you is D-Madness. Hell, yeah. That guy blind? Is he really blind? Yeah, he's really blind. That's cool, man.

Joe, you ever get one of these joke books before? Yeah, I got the first time I went up. I got one, and he told me I can cast a spell to make it bigger. Goddamn, that's hilarious. And then the second time I was too embarrassed to bring up that first time, so I said I had one, but I do not know. I don't have a big one. I have a tiny one. You have a tiny one.

And then I lied about having a big one the second time. Well, that's goddamn perfect, and you have everything that you need, Joe. All right, that's fine. That's fine. There he goes. Joe McNamara's second appearance. Thank you, third. Something like that on Kill Tony. Back to the bucket we go. It has begun.

You see what the show is. Your next comedian goes by the name of Max Wissinger, everybody. This looks like a new name. I'm excited about this. Max Wissinger. Here he comes. You guys having fun out there, huh? Come on, one more time for Max, everybody. Come on. So, the worst thing about Monkey Pox is it would hit Joe Rogan the hardest. He might start looking like Tony over here.

His cattle bells, you know, kind of like Corona Beer. He'd probably start losing sales. But, you know, he'd make it. He'd persevere. He has friends in high places, and I'm not talking about Joe Ideas. You know, a decade later, he might step out in the streets of Detroit, and he might really face the planet of the apes. So, have you all seen Light Year? I think they fucked up.

I think they should have gone gayer with it. Call it boy story, all right? You don't even have to change the characters that much. Woody just needs to undo two buttons, you know? He'd be full, broke back mountain. He's already got a dude's name written on him. Next, you got Buzz Light Queer, right? To a virginity and beyond.

And you also got Trans, Mr. Potato Head, always switching out his parts. And in the background, you got the three alien. Wow, there it is, a minute and 14 seconds from Max Whiston. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Dude, I can't believe y'all do this, bro. I know. This is what I do for a job.

This is like my only job. This is what I do, pull names out of a bucket and deal with fucking angry kindergartners over here. This is fucking... What happened? You didn't get your nap time in today or something? Coming up here, furious. My goodness. So intense.

Yeah. It's intense, man. Sorry. No, I like it. It just feels like a lot, man. I love it. You know, I'm just realizing it all. It's true. This is Austin.

This is one of Elon Musk's illegitimate children just stumbling around here. Doing Joe Rogan jokes. Fresh out of a fucking Kohl's catalog over here. How old are you? 24. 24, and you are very, very youthful. Do you go to college? Do you have a job? What's going on here?

I have a degree in food science from A&M and I brew kombucha. Wow, look at you. You naughty boy. Got to stay balanced, right? What a rebel. Is the kombucha that you make spelled C-U-M, bucha? No. How long does it take to make it?

C-U-M or K-O-M? K-O-M. K-O-M. You know, it depends. On a hot day, it's pretty fast. Really? Yeah. It's pretty weird.

Like, I just learned there's these things called vinegar eels that grow in the kombucha and now I don't drink that shit anymore. All right. Like little worms. What? We'll tell us. I mean, some of us still drink it, dude. What are we not supposed to drink it?

You know, I think the science is still coming out on kombucha. Hell yeah. You should ask your father, Bill Nye, exactly what he thinks is going to happen here. Look at you and you dress like that and you segue into Buzz Lightyear jokes. Like, that's a normal thing that a grown man would do at all. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Wow, look at that.

Max Wissinger. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Now, Max, tell us what are 24-year-olds doing for fun nowadays? You must be disappointed that the Choco Taco got discontinued this week. I've been taking boxing classes lately in case someone tries to beat me up. Wait a second. Are you serious?

Yeah. You've been taking what? It's like women's self-defense classes or something? No. I mean, you want to see Max Shadow Box a little bit right now. Come on, Max. Show us what you've been doing. Oh, shit.

Oh. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Hopefully anybody that you get into a fight with fights in slower motion than you. I mean, holy shit. Max, you throw punches like a kid that's about to get this shit beat out of him.

Holy shit. Now, did you just start taking boxing? Did someone, did you, D-Madness is, D-Madness is threatening you right now. For those of you just listening to the podcast, D-Madness just accidentally punched the other guitarist thinking it was Max. No. So what happened to you that made you think that you needed to be ready for self-defense? Did somebody bully you?

Someone broke my collarbone when I was in fifth grade and I fantasized about going to his house, breaking his collarbone in front of his family. Wow. How would you even do that? How, what would be your method of breaking his collarbone? Would you throw one of those upper cuts of yours or perhaps? Probably elbow. Oh, you're going to throw an elbow to his, oh, yeah, that'll do it.

Slow-mo. That'll do it. Yeah. Maybe if he, maybe if he attaches a rocket to his back and flies sideways into that and you go like that, it could happen. You could break his collarbone. Max, what's your love life like? What base, what's the farthest base that you've gotten with a girl?

Actually, well, you say that like you're about to say, actually I fucked your mother, Tony. It was a good setup. I had like that first, actually, funny you should ask, Tony. It's, so I broke up with my girlfriend on Saturday. Oh, really? Wow. Pretty rough. How long, how long were you two together for?

Ten months. Ten months. That's almost a large percentage of your life. What made you break up with this girl? What happened? I'm glad you knew it was me. Wait, what? I broke up with her.

Oh, okay. Or did I say that? My bad. It's okay, Max. Go ahead. Tell us why you did that. You know, we're just at different phases. I'm making dumb jokes on stage.

She's ready for a kid. Oh. I don't have enough kombucha saved up. Right. That's how you think babies are made, huh? You have to save up, cum. You have to save up. It's definitely true.

If I work on myself, my cum will be different in ten years. Right. You're a food doctor. Is there something that you eat or drink to help with that? I mean, we all know about the pineapple juice, right? Right. I think celery juice is about quantity, not quality. What else?

What about like sweet potato fries? I don't think that would hurt. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Lima beans make it frothy. A lot of people don't know that. Red Band, do not.

Don't do that. Very bad. That's disgusting, Red Band. It's horrible. You're brewing that frape, huh? That's insane. Max, what else do you do for fun? You're 24, very, very youthful energy to you.

What else? What else do you do? No, but I just got some underwear that cradles my balls. Okay. All right. Chief? What else? What else do you do for fun?

I like to do yoga. Okay. Mm-hmm. All right. What else? You don't have any yoga jokes? Huh? You don't have any yoga jokes?

I mean, I could, but that's not the time or the place, Max. What else? Do you have any any jokes? I almost hit an ace in Frisbee golf. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. That's pretty cool. What is an ace? Is it like a racial slur? Just say what you mean, man. We know who you're talking about. I love it. Fucking pussies nowadays, man.

I'm telling you, dude. I'm telling you. Max, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? Has this something you've always wanted to do? What happened here? I moved here in March, and I started coming to, I saw, first show I saw was Ari Shafir at Creek in the Cave. Uh-huh.

And I realized stand-ups, it's a totally different thing than when you watch it on your computer or your phone or whatever. And then I saw a bunch of people bomb up here, and I was like, I can do probably a little bit better than that. Right? Yeah. You could do it. I love it.

You saw Ari Shafir first. That was your first live show. No, I'm not. I'm Hispanic, actually. My real name's Maximiliano. Maximiliano? Yeah. Wow.

What kind of Hispanic are you? Uh, German and... Oh, yes. The famous... The famous German Hispanics. Damn, I didn't know I was Hispanic. Yeah. Yes, the old famous...

Everyone knows. You're the kind of Hispanic that you, when you were at that Ari Shafir show, you kind of wanted to kill him a little bit, huh? I thought it was good. I liked him. Right, right, right. It was a German Jew joke, Max.

All right, Max. Very, very nice to meet you. You are an adorable creature. I'm going to give you some explanations on your first time on Kilt Tone. Are you going to catch that? Oh, there you go. Max Wissinger, everybody.

Follow him at Max Wissinger. W-I-S-S-I-N-G-R. That was cool. Yeah. Fun one. All right, we have another regular on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for him. One of the more youth,

one of the newer regulars on this show. Make some noise for Ellis H, everyone. Ellis H. Here he is, everybody. One more time for Ellis, everyone. I don't know who needs to hear this, but when people show you who they are, you need to believe them.

Prime example, my cousin. She fell in love with a dude fresh out of the pen. I pulled up to the sign and said, why would you want to be with a man like that? She said, first off, he's different, but second, he's a rough-necked, and that's sexy. Yeah, it was real sexy till he started beating her ass. Yeah, man.

And she called me crying, talking about, how can he do this? How can he do this? I said, bitch, he went to jail for assault and battery. If anything, he's picking up right where he left off. But I don't get it. Why do women like thugs? Women will spend their best years with a fucking criminal.

They want somebody at Google. What the fuck? Like, my ex was the same way. She would hit me up, talking about, Ellis, you're not tough enough. Ellis, you're not tough enough. I'm like, bitch, your ex was an MS-13. I am a theater major.

When you met me, I was auditioning for Peter Pan in this bitch. I was looking for my shadow. But, y'all, he's in prison now. I mean, we're two different people. I do community theater. He do community service. I'm trying to figure out my motivation. He trying to figure out his probation.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was in a fellow. He was in a fellow. We are not the same people. Hey, give a round of applause for your fucking sales. Make some noise. There you go. Ellis H. Ellis H, coming in, talking about his real life,

laying it down. I love it. Very powerful. Fuck yeah, baby, BLM, baby. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. 100%.

Hell yeah. Ellis, how did that feel for you? You happy? Man, I mean, I had time off, so I've been practicing. In the mirror and shit, I was ready, just, all right, community service. When they can see, they're going to like this shit. Yeah, self-affirmations, you got to do it.

All right, look at you. I love the landing. It's hard to get all that stuff in and remember it and say it all and do it in a certain amount of time. Oh, yes, sir. It's hard. I'm about to have an aneurysm trying to do this shit. So tell us about your life, Ellis.

What's been going on since the last time we saw you? It's been a few weeks. It's been a few weeks. Man, just working at Amazon. Hey, shout out to Mr. Joe, the sexy, older gentleman taking pictures. He took me out to a rich people party. And it's like the worst thing that could ever happen. I'm just ungrateful all the fucking time.

Like I just, I'm out here in my apartment knocking shit over like this is some bullshit. Right. God, this man got llamas and chicken, y'all. And I'm just mad. He goes, yeah, we got these chickens just roaming around. I'm like, ain't this some shit? There's a Popeye's right up the fucking street.

So you went to a rich person party. What made it a rich person party? Like what did you notice? The llamas, the peacocks, the chickens, I just mentioned. What's a fucking petting zoo? Dude, that's what I'm saying. You think that's what rich people have? Yeah.

Have you ever been to a farm? I mean, you're going to have fun there. Bro, hell yeah. I mean, here's a garage was as big as my parents' house and shit. Wow. Is that true? Yeah. It's really depressing.

No, it was big. Mr. Joe, it's big as fuck, right? Where are you at? Why are you calling him Mr. Joe, Alice? I don't know if you... It's not the year 1655 right now. You don't have to call the rich white man Mr. first name, but... Oh shit, my bad.

Did he have you tending to the chickens or something like that? Mr. Joe, Mr. Joe. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm allowed to say it. Deez is laughing behind the keyboard. I'm allowed to make these jokes. That's how I check and see if I've gone over the line.

No, but there was an awfully lot of older white people. I was nervous. Right. They was looking like class of 62 and that bitch. Sounds like a fucking... Sounds like a Jordan Peele movie or something like that. I don't know what's going on. Chickens and llamas.

Fucking crazy, bro. I love it. You're dressed super comfortable today. Oh, yeah. I just got done hooping and I just came in. Okay. Yeah. That's a stereotype.

All right. How'd you play today? How was basketball? Oh, not good. I was just passing and shit like that. All right. Like, I don't know. There's...

The best actors in the world are like people who are short trying to like get an extra man and they're like, hey man, come on man. It don't matter if you don't know how to play. And I'm like, dude, I gotta ask my bro. I can't... I can't play. Dude, that's okay. It's all about fun.

As soon as y'all motherfucking start losing. This motherfucker out here reason is shit. I'm like, I told you what it was. I told you what that shit was. Nigga. I'm like, bitch, I don't have my inhaler. That's where I get my airflow at. Asthmatics where you at.

You know how I go. Classically trained actor, Alice, and you got that into your set. Can you give us an example of like some acting that you could do? Like, is there like a character that you can play or something like that? Or can you make yourself cry on command or anything like that? It gotta... How many of you want to see Alice cry right now? Very rarely do we get to see people cry.

I need to see some actual tears here. Is Mr. Joe videotaping this? Hey, Theo. Okay, look, can you... You're a role player, right? You my girl, and you just gonna break up with me. Oh, shit. Just break up with me, all right?

Just break up with you? Yeah. Can I... I'm just asking. Can I use the N-word or not? I... I A... No, I'm just saying.

I would always... I meet... I meet A. Theo, I don't care. But when we step out of here, I can't help you. Okay. But using that, your discretion. Okay.

Whatever you want. Hey, Alice. Hey. Hey. Hey, what's up, baby? What's going on? You know what the fuck's up, boo? My little...

Baby, why do you censor in the word nigga? You know you saying freedom. That was a call came in. I ain't censoring shit. I know you been out there with Mr. Joe petting them fucking white animals. What? What the...

What? Baby, what? I know you been out there with Papa Joe petting them little fucking honking muppets. Shonda, you crazy, baby. Look. Not as crazy as your homeless ass is. I'm out this relationship, man.

Shonda. Do, do, do. This line has currently been disconnected. Shonda, that's the phone, bitch. I'm sorry, y'all. I'm just fucking like, I'm sorry. That ain't where she got me, but you know what I'm saying? Y'all.

LSH, another new minute. A very, very good performance. Make some noise for him. There he goes. LSH, everybody. Yes, buddy. Hey, God bless y'all. Thank you so much.

Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next comedian goes by the name of Patrick Stewart. Here we go. Patrick Stewart. Nowhere we ain't going nowhere. Patrick Stewart. We got movement.

Here he comes, everybody. Everybody. This is it. Patrick Stewart, everyone. All right. I look like Jesus with an eating disorder. I've been told that before, but not directly. I've been smacked on the ass before just by mistake.

Like, I'm a hot girl from behind. And then they're like, Jesus Christ, eat a sandwich. Man. Also, maybe like, Jason, sorry. Jason Momoa with, like, this is way after a picture. Like, decomposed after, like, a few decades. Man, I got nothing else. I look like Jason Lee.

I look like me. Are you severe if you got lost in the woods on mushrooms? Man, I got nothing else. Sorry. All right. 52 seconds. Patrick Stewart. It doesn't matter.

There you go. That would have been a minute. Patrick, how are you? I'm doing all right. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? This is my first time. Your first time ever. Look at that.

It all makes sense now. You do indeed look like those things that you said that you look like. Jesus with an eating disorder that checks out. You look like you could have been crucified with thumb tacks. You could use that next time. Then you'll have a full minute, especially with all that laughter. It'll really fill in that extra eight seconds. I mean, Jesus was pretty skinny, though.

I mean, have you ever seen like a little chubby Jesus? He already was like Jesus with it. I don't think anyone did. This guy looks like his last supper was months ago. Patrick, where are you from? From San Antonio. From San Antonio. Absolutely.

And what are you doing in Austin? Coming to see Kill Sony. Coming to see Kill Tony. I love it. All right. And you signed up. So this is something you've been planning for a while? Yeah.

I've signed up like so many times I lost count. Okay. All right. Were you nervous? Were you nerve-wracked? Oh, yeah. My heart's beating really hard right now. Is it really?

Yeah. That's crazy. You can really probably feel it, huh? Yeah. I can feel it right now. Yeah. In my feet. That's crazy, bro.

Was it like that? Was it before you got on stage? Was it the crystal math or the nerves of actually? No. I was just outside chilling. I was talking to some people outside smoking a cigarette. And I was like, holy shit. They said my name finally.

Oh my god. Wow. Yep. That's how Bucket of Names works. So Patrick, let's talk about it. What do you do for a living? Opiates. I'm just joking, dude.

I work at a company. You work at a company. Oh, OK. I see. Very good. Yes, indeed. You work at a company. What do you do for that company?

I work on the dogs. You know, like, I process products that come off trucks and, you know, we stow away. OK. I think he's talking about. Yeah. It sounds like an eighth grade education to me. Patrick, did you graduate from high school? Yeah.

OK. Did you go to college at all? No. What did you do instead? I decided to work. I love music, so I decided to, you know, just do that. You're a musician. Yeah.

OK. Are you playing a band? No, not currently. I haven't found anybody to play with in a while. Aw, jeez. What instrument do you play? I play guitar, bass, drums. Wow.

Really? Handle and whatever. What do you think you played the best out of all those instruments? The drums. The drums? Really? Wow. Oh, shit.

Well, I mean, I don't know. It's been a while since we've done it, but we have an old running tradition on this show where if someone plays the drums, do you know about this? Have you heard of this? The Mexican drum often did. So here's how it works. Here's how it works. You're going to do a drum solo, and then the great Michael Gonzalez is going to do a drum

solo. Now, if you, at the end, the audience decides who they liked more. Now, if in the end you win, you become the new full-time drummer of the show. But I must warn all of you, no one has ever beat the resident drummer on this show, ever, in the history of the show. No one ever beat Joel Jimenez, and no one's ever beaten Michael Gonzalez. But again, you could be the new full-time drummer, which would mean that Michael would have to take over your life.

So he'll be working the docks if you can beat him here. Cool. And he will also be Jesus with an eating disorder, but... When do they do it? Right now. No way. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, going first.

Going around behind the drums. This is a very, very exciting show. This show is amazing. Isn't it fun? Yeah. Isn't it fun? Holy shit, dude. Patrick Stewart.

Bro, you're going to fucking... You got to... Are you ready? He's making adjustments. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo. Going first. He could change his life right now in front of all of you.

This is Patrick Stewart. All right, all right, all right, Patrick. Wow. Literally doesn't have a snowflakes chance in hell of winning this. But because... To be fair, I am not shade of white. To be fair to Michael Gonzalez, I'm going to let him defend his throne for a little while here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the reigning defending kill Tony drummer.

This is a solo from Michael Gonzalez. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Wow. Wow. Wow. Y'all get it for Mike.

This is that awkward moment where the audience has to decide who won. I went into this knowing I had nothing on Mike. Well, there you go. Way to really bring it to a halt there, Patrick. I wish you would have told us that before you fucking bombed behind the drums. Yeah. How many of you have Patrick Stewart winning this? Wow.

Literally just three contrarians that fucking hate life. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Wow. There you go. Patrick, congratulations on your first time on stage. Congratulations on being truly one of the worst drummers we've ever had on the history of the show. Here's a little joke book that's made by the great Bones Eye here, Real Texas Leather. Thanks so much for Patrick, everybody.

No wonder you couldn't find anyone to play with. Jesus. Yeah. No one want to be in a band with me. Currently no band for me. All right. This guy's a great musician. We know this guy.

He works here at Vulcan Gas Company. It's been a long time since we've seen him. One of our favorite people around here. Make some noise for the great Yonder, everybody. It's Yonder Wizard, everyone. Oh, yes. Here he is, live in the flesh. Make some noise for Yonder, everybody.

So I look like Jesus if you were born in a manger in Flugerville. I look like Jesus if instead of die for all your sins, he die abetic. My blood type is type two. Do you think that white trash hippie chicks recharge their crystal meth in the moonlight? I believe that getting wicked diarrhea from three different types of fast food is what a slut must feel like when she gets pregnant. It looks like Taco Bell, but it has water burgers eyes. Thank you. Wow.

Yonder Wizard. Absolutely incredible. What a great performance too. It's like a before and after of Jesus if he was fed. I love it, Yonder. Welcome, welcome. How are you? How you been?

Excellent. Just living my literal fucking dream, you know? I love it. And Austin's been treating you well. You moved here from Myrtle Beach, correct? That's right. And how long ago did you move? I moved here on my birthday, October 14th last year.

I love it. I love that. What? Sorry. Go ahead. Fuck, I don't have anything. What do you love about Austin? You're coming up on almost a year now.

How do you talk about it? I love living in a city that people want to be in, and not a city that people have to go to because they can afford it, you know? That's what Myrtle Beach is. It's nice to be in a cool spot that everybody agrees is cool. You know, it's not like just a handful of people from Ohio and West Virginia.

Right, exactly. The thing Myrtle Beach is paradise. Yes, correct. That's what we're taught when we're little kids, is that it doesn't get much better than Myrtle Beach. It's true. That was our vacation. Was that your vacation spot growing up in Ohio?

I didn't have a vacation spot growing up because I wasn't a spoiled baby like you were. Myrtle Beach is not. That was like a poor man in Florida. That was like a poor man in Florida, too, from there. What's that? He's wearing a shirt Myrtle Beach. Yeah, I got this in some taffy.

It's nice. I love it. So, Yonder, let's talk about it. What else is going on in life? Catch us up. You know, just trying to not escape to my home, so much trying to stay away from home a little bit more than I have been lately.

What's at home? What do you go home for? Just comfort. I don't know. I'm a crazy person. Right. I don't do so well around a whole lot of crowds, you know? You know, it's like you quit drinking after a while

and you hit it hard for a few years, and then when you quit drinking, you don't really feel like doing a whole lot no more. Oh, yeah. That's a good question. I figured you'd... Oh, yeah. Yonder, you look like...

I'm trying to figure it out, Yonder. You look like you have a lot of pets. Do you have pets? I do not. I'm not a pet. I am the pet. Okay. I shed enough by myself.

Do your parents have pets? My parents had... Yes, my parents were the kind of people that have like eight cats outside. Right. Outside cats. Right. Couple of inside dogs, maybe.

Inside dogs, outside cats. I like a clean house, you know what I mean? All right. Have you ever thought about starting your own company or anything like that? Every once in a while. That's good. I'd hire you.

I'd hire him. I appreciate that. Thank you. You do gender reveals or something? I do. I'm like, it's a boy. $500, please. That's the going rate.

Okay. Yep. So, Yonder, what else about you? Now, we know that you're a musician. Right. You're going really good, right? Yes. Catch us up.

I'm doing the damn thing in Austin. Not quite as much as I was in Myrtle Beach, but I'm playing here on The Secret Show every other Thursday. Right. Doing... Thank you. I'm doing this stage this Saturday night.

Look at that. After all the comedy's over. You have a funny name for your... You have a funny music name. Are you like, Brett Zeppelin or something like that? Yeah. Brett Zeppelin. I go by...

Okay. I couldn't think of anything else. I thought it would come. I love it. I love it. All right, Yonder. And you play guitar and sing. Yeah.

Yeah. I do mostly guitar and sing. I do all the... I mean, I can't do what these guys do like they do it. I mean, I can fiddle around on them, but... Right. Do you have another skill set that you're not telling us about? Yes.

I do voices. Really? Yeah. What voices do you do? Can I do an impression of Alex Jones trying to get in the front door? Absolutely. Nick told me I could keep my phone. That's true.

He said, don't worry about it. I got the documents right here. That's true. That's a good one. Who else can you do? You have Alex Jones. Can I do William Montgomery? Yes.

We all know... Telling Alex Jones that he can't come in? Yes. You better fucking stand. Wow. Right over there. No, but seriously, we got to put your phone in this bag. Wow.

That is incredible. That is one of the best goddamn impressions I've ever heard in my life. Holy shit, man. What a random ass impression to be good at. Oh, my God. When he gets famous, you're going to get famous. What the fuck did you just say? That is incredible.

Get him out of here. Wow. Who else can you do? Now I'm obsessed. I don't know. I do that one a lot. I do a lot of voices of people that don't exist, like... I don't know, like a Jewish grandfather.

Like, I don't know. Yeah, let's hear that. I want people wandering through the desert for 40 years. For what? To be made fun of on some YouTube podcast? All right. What is this? All right.

I could see what Hitler was thinking. How about another one? What else can you do? Give us one more. You must have one more up your sleeve. Anybody that could do William Montgomery that good must be able to do something else. Man, you know it's like when you know so many, it's hard to pick one. Right.

Yep. Who? Oh, my goodness. Is this crowd participation? No, I don't think I could do Theo when he's standing right next to me. And Arnold is cheap. Come on, dude. Right.

Yeah, don't listen. Everybody does Arnold. Everybody does Christopher Walken. Ooh, do Pegasus. What? Yeah. Pretty good. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That was my Pegasus impression. All right, Yonder. I don't know. Can you do Gilbert Gottfried? I can't do Gilbert. I mean, if I did it would just sound embarrassing. I don't like to do things if I can't do them well.

Yeah, I know how you feel about that. I do that. Right. You know what I'm saying? I like that. That's how you get where you're going, right? I like that. Yonder, we've had you play a bunch of songs up here before.

Yeah. But you don't even want to do that today, do you? I'm here for you, man. You do? Wow. Whatever you want. Why don't you give us a little rinse? Show these people.

Promo. Promo. Promo. Promo. Give us a little rinse. Show these people. Promote yourself. Sure.

He's an amazing local musician. You can catch him doing shows all around Austin, Texas. Let's see what happens here. A music heavy episode of Kill Tony indeed. By heavy, I'm just talking about Yonder Wizard. It's also music. Yeah. Cool, right?

His last name is Wizard. His first name is Yonder. His full name is Yonder Wizard. Yeah. My real name is Kelsey Hudgens, by the way. Oh, wow. The reason... Way to really blow it in the show biz, dude.

Yeah, it's true. I've blown it in show biz. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm doing great. I never picked songs. Matt Mueling just mentioned this one. Let's do a...

Jay on. Well, I really want to know. My baby. Well, I really want to see. Is God just a one? And I'll make it. And I'm coming up low. My soul will have to...

Wow. Wow. Yonder Wizard. Sure is incredible when they actually know how to play the instrument. Wow. Wow. I mean, wow. That was great.

That was cool. Yeah. That was cool, man. This is so much fun. Yeah. This is so much fun. Incredible. That's even more fun after Patrick Stewart said he could play drums.

Like, it's really... We're like all, like, shocked that he knew how to do anything there. I know. That is incredible. Have you ever thought about singing like William Montgomery? Yeah, I don't practice San Maria. No, but I'm serious. I don't fucking practice it.

What are you fucking laughing about? I don't fucking practice. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time? Thank you. One of my favorite performances, Yonder Wizard, everybody. Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

He's also opening up the secret show Thursday, so if you want to hear 30 minutes of him singing. There you go. All right. Oh, we know this young man. Another great local rising talent. Makes some noise for Mike Eaton, everybody. Mike Eaton. We know Mike very well.

One more time for Mike Eaton, everybody. Come on. Hello, friends. I probably can't tell by looking at me, but I did grow up as a minority. Rich. The cool one. You guys should have done it. It was pretty awesome.

I don't recognize any of you, so you didn't. Dude, Halloween was the shit. Full bars, every house. I still go. You see an Amber Alert in October? That's me getting candy. There's some drawbacks, I will say. I had rich bullies.

You know, your bullies had a day job. Mine had their dad's credit card. Nightmare. I remember fifth grade, went out to recess, looked in skyriding. It said, Mike has bitch tits. Goddamn, dude. First person in school to get tits, and you're going to treat me like this? It's fucking rude.

10 out of 10 would do it again. Say, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Fuck that. That's retarded. I hate being poor so much. I just want to be rich again. Yeah, there it is. Fuck yeah, Mikey.

Super likable. Great delivery, great jokes, absolutely nailed it. Thank you. How you doing, Mike? I'm catching my breath. Absolutely adorable. It's so exciting up here every time. It is exciting.

I always think like it'll be like a normal show, and then it isn't. It's nothing normal about this whatsoever. No. It is very bizarre. I love it. So how's life been going, Mike? Dude, it's going really good. You've been doing stand-up for what?

Five or six years? Four years. Four years. I love it. I knew you back in Los Angeles. Yeah. It was fun out there, and then I came here because it seemed like a smart move. Absolutely.

And it's so fucking hot, man. It is hot. Dude, life is really good right now because I just got a window unit on my room. Okay. Because it was like the normal AC just doesn't cut it for fat people. No, it doesn't. Have you always been a thicker guy? Yeah.

I tried skinny for like a year, and it was really cool because I had a bigger dick. Right. But it made me a worse person. Right. Because you were on cocaine the entire time. Is that true? Maybe. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Whatever. Losing weight 140 bag at a time, dude. My goodness. So what causes this? What's your guilty pleasure? What are you doing? What do you have?

A loaf of bread next year, or something? Because you look like you shouldn't be fat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the only fat one in my family, and our last name is Eaton. It's like, I'm the only one doing it. Your name being Mike Eaton is like my name being Tony Gay voice.

Yeah. It's like really, really on the nose. Oh man. No, next to my bed, I just have a family size box of Cheez-Its right now. Oh. But that's just for snacks. Right. It's just to get a little protein in your diet.

Get me through the day. Do you play Nintendo Switch? I do. How did you know? Whoa. Whoa. Theo, how the fuck did you know that? That's crazy.

I think it's easy to know it. That is an incredible talent. How do I give up Nintendo Switch energy? Oh my goodness. That's wild. Yeah. That is very, very impressive. What else do you do for fun, Mike?

Oh man, mostly drugs and music. Right. Music. Music. I don't play anything. I'm an audience member. You just listen to music. Yeah, I just listen to them.

Right. I love it. Nether Hour was just there with Connor Stevens recording a music video. Yup. It was a bucket list night. Right. Bucket list night. It was crazy.

So we get over there. Yeah. They put a pound of weed into a leaf blower. Ah. Delta 8. Officer. Right. But they put in a leaf blower and they're filling the room up.

I'm getting a Nether Hour tattoo. At the same time. Yeah. Wow. And then Brad was out in the yard swinging a baseball bat at a guy shooting Roman candles at him. Right. Fucking great, dude.

Gonna be a good music video. It should be a good music video. They kept me in the back, though, because all the other people there were hot. Right. Yeah. They're like, Mike, you can come out in the smoke, you know. That is incredible. That is how show business works.

Fat people in the back. They're like, Mike, go get a tattoo or something. Yeah. Trying to make a music video here. Yeah. Plus size coloring book, dude. You really are. You are a hefty boy.

Yeah. How does this affect your life? Um, so I'm probably not going to live too long. Right. Right. Carpe diem, dude. I gotta live the days while I got them. Absolutely.

I found out I have terrible sleep apnea. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I went and I, they let me do the sleep study at home. So I had like a little thing on my chest and those tubes in my nose. Right. And it said I'd die like six times a night. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Oh. So everyone else is Jesus, but I'm coming back to life. So, you know. All right. Look at that. That's pretty good. That is true.

That checks out. So you have to wear one of those things at night when you sleep, like the, the vents. I want to, uh, but I don't have health insurance. Wow. What about your rich parents? They don't want to pitch it. Dude, they got poor.

It sucks so bad. How did they get poor? What happened? Uh, so my dad was a tax attorney and he did like the taxes for like rich housing complex departments to be tax exempt by having some section eight housing. So 2008 hits that whole market dries up and then he lost his lie license for some fiddling with the secretary stuff.

Oh, the old Vince McMahon. The one to punch dude. And so we didn't have generational wealth. We just had like, he was crushing it for a decade. Wow. Yeah. Damn. Wow.

Incredible stuff. Yeah. He's now in charge of homelessness in Phoenix, uh, making less of it. He's not like the final boss or anything. Wow. Mike, you laugh like a fat child. I mean, I am essentially. What brings you more joy than anything else in the world?

Ice cream. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Such a quick answer that sucks. I knew right away. And you. Yeah, go ahead.

Um, I'm not going to say anything. Can I show you the best ice cream ever in town while you're here? Yeah, I think so. You guys want to go get ice cream? Yeah. It's a, it's chef driven. There's a place dude. You got to go.

Okay. It's unbelievable. Are they like giving you a discount for mentioning them on the show right now? What makes it so great? Uh, so like they have a peach cobbler there. Yeah. With peaches that are smoked by distant relatives next door. Yeah.

Cream ice cream, fresh whipped cream, a gooey cobbler in the middle. I'm going to have an erection in a minute. Wow. It's really good. That is absolutely incredible. We are going to be doing that. We're going to have a peach cobbler with Mike Eaton at some point this week. Red Band, are you in?

Sounds cool. Right? No. Red Band just sits in Flugerville and eats his own peach cobbler by himself. Mike, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Wow. Look at that. Yeah.

Yeah. Mike, an unbelievable performance. You ever get one of these? I do. I have one. Well, then you already have one. Very good. Thank you so much.

You got it. Mike Eaton, a great performance. There he goes. Mike Eaton. Mike is eating. We haven't had a girl up here yet tonight. You guys want to do one more bucket pull and pull until we get a woman up here, huh? All right.

Let's do it. Let's see how this goes. Oh, okay. First name I picked. Make some noise for Monica Parsiak, everyone. Monica Parsiak. Monica Parsiak. Here she comes.

One more time for Monica, everybody. Ladies. Let me hear the ladies tonight. Come on. Make some noise. Yeah. I can't believe those dates brought you out here. Guys, so I feel like airpods are the best.

They're kind of hard to get in at first, but then once it's in there, it's never coming out. Yeah. I'm not really a big fan of airpods, but I also can't afford them. Yeah. At this point in my life, I'm just like, Jesus, take the wheel. While I roll the weed and watch out for those cops. It's interesting.

City cops are always riding horses, and then the country cops are in cars riding each other. You know what they say? Save a horse, ride a sheriff. I'm not really a big fan of airpods, but I also can't afford them. Yeah. At this point in my life, I'm just like, Jesus, take the wheel while I roll the weed. I'm Polish. I mean, I'm from Poland.

Scholars out here. But I know Schindler's List kind of killed the vibe to go visit, but it's not all in black and white anymore. And also, I think it's a beautiful getaway. Hitler thought that too. All right. Monica Parciek. Okay.

Welcome, Monica, first time on the show, right? Yep. How long have you been to stand up? Like eight months now. I love it. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I'm from Dallas. Okay.

There you go. Some fans of Dallas. It's interesting. I wouldn't... Is that where you were born and raised? Yeah. Like around there was suburbs. Okay.

And what do you do for work? I'm a server. Okay. At a restaurant. Yeah, at a restaurant. A chain restaurant or like a normal, like... It's like a little bit better than a chain restaurant. Like we're a little bit better.

But no. It's like by the fire side, you know, I can represent. They're great guys. Love them. I love it. How long have you worked there? A year now. I used to do IT.

All right. What made you leave the IT business? Really just the harassment. What happened? What happened? Well, you know, interesting enough, I wasn't harassed by the... Like my coworkers were cool. I worked at a school.

So... So who harassed you? The students? I mean, they had the words. It's hallways you're passing. They have air pods in like, I don't know. You hooked up with one of them, didn't you? No.

Red band. Never. Did you hook up with one of them? No. No, okay. So Monica, formerly IT and now you are a server. What else do you do for fun? Like what else are you into?

I'm a painter. I like to paint. Oh yeah? What can you paint? Like cool shit. Really? Yeah. That's awesome.

I can't paint that good. No, you probably can't. It's all like, it's up to the interpreter. There's a lot of art out there. I mean, have you seen the art upstairs? That's beautiful. There's a lot of art everywhere. No doubt about it.

Art imitates life. I'm dyslexic. Okay. Yeah. We're getting somewhere. Yeah. Now we're finding out more about Monica. And I just figured that out.

Yeah. Let's see them too. No. No. Joking. Where are they? I'm joking. I'm just saying, you know, it's like a thing like that.

That's a thing. That's a thing. This is like what she used to hear back in the hallways of the school that she left out. Let's see them stick. So Monica, other than painting, what else are you into for fun? I like karaoke. Oh, really?

Yeah. What type of, what do you normally sing? Do you have a go-to in the karaoke world? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do. It's a Johnny Cash ring of fire. You sing ring of fire? Wow.

Very, very interesting. I find that hard to believe. Johnny Cash is hard to pull off. You guys think we should give her a shot? Play some ring of fire? Yeah. Let's go. It's a very musical episode, but I sort of like it on this one here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, the best band in the land has already got it. This is Monica Parciac. The taste of love is sweet. When hearts like ours meet. Bound by wild desire. I fell into a ring of fire. I fell into a burning ring of fire. All right, all right, all right.

I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you. I'm nervous. I'm going to stop her. This is sobering me, nervous as fuck. I usually have a couple drinks. Yeah, something. Something.

Something. Hopefully your painting is better than your singing and your comedy. Yeah. Well, you know where you can check that out. All right. Monica, you have a boyfriend up in Dallas? No, I'm single dating. Okay.

Were you on like the dating apps or something like that? I hate those. I like to meet guys. The last guy I had a like a long relationship with or situation. I met him at a... 10 months long. He just broke up with you recently. It'd be like that, Tony.

It'd be like that. I actually met him at a haunted house. Oh, look at that. Let me ghost me. Right. How ironic. It was for the big. He was playing along.

I knew all along. Right. Was this after he took you to do karaoke one night? You know, I think we're stuck. I'm glad we talked about this. I think I'm figuring it out. So you drove here from Dallas? What kind of car do you drive?

Volkswagen Jetta? Good old Toyota Avalon. Indeed. All right. Okay. Tracks. Anything weird about your car? Is it a Denson stuff?

Yeah. Right. It does. And I guess where I... So I actually live in a city called Denton. Right. I got it. Yet for the bit?

No, it's actually a place though. But yeah. Wow. It'd be crazy. Monica, what's something crazy about your entire life that we'd be shocked to know about you? Any like weird fun facts about your parents or your childhood or something that once happened to you?

That's a really long cover. I don't think we have time for all that. You ever save anybody's lives? I think we do. I think we have enough time for you to give one good answer. One good answer. Yeah. One random ass thing.

Well, I don't know. I guess like at 18, I moved away thinking I was smart enough and I ended up being with someone for like six years. And then I'm like, not... So you left your parents' house at 18 for an older... Not a boy. Not an older boy. Not anyone.

I just went to college. Like I was like, moved away, did my thing. But I was like in a long relationship and that was boring. Okay. Six years. So the most boring thing about my life I think is that. Right. I pulled that out.

I'm glad that, yeah. All the answers you could have given, that was the worst. No doubt about it. I like to hide the fact that I'm a horse girl. How about that? A horse girl? Yeah. A horse girl.

What does that mean? What is a horse girl? Well, I don't really know specifically. To me, it's just I own... Like I have horses. So like I'm a horse girl, everyone says. But like I'm trying to figure out like what... I don't fuck horses.

So like if that's what it means, that's not... You're a horse owner? A parent or... Not a horse parent. A horse parent? No, no, no, no. What do you have? What's happening?

My family has horses. Okay. Your family has horses. I live on a ranch. Okay. You live on a ranch with the horses. And you ride horses? No.

No. So I think that's... I don't... What do you do with... I was older once they got the horses. Like I'm not just going to learn how to ride horses. Like I was 18. I just drove off.

Like I didn't... I didn't have time. Yep. Like they literally just got the horses. I was like, cool. And then I left. But now I live there again. So it's like, oh yeah.

Hey guys. Hey. Wow. They're really cool. I mean you should hang out with horses. They're really good for you. A parent like therapy, horse therapy. Right.

Yeah. I bet those horses are more stable than you are. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You gotta get up. Monica Parciak, everybody. Making her Kill Tony debut.

Monica, have a joke book. That's for you. There she goes. Monica Parciak, ladies and gentlemen. All right. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. In the history of the show there's one man that has done more new minutes than any other human ever.

Lately he's been headlining all around the country. He's also been featuring for me and for Joe Rogan all around the world. This is the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Guerrilla, the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. Please keep it going for Yonder Wizards' impression of me. What the fuck was that? I lost my Adidas sponsorship, so I went ahead and got a job. I'm now a sexual preference abbreviation developer.

I came up with WG this past week, which stands for Wiener Grabber. So now the proper sexual preference abbreviation list is LGBTWG. Red Band Mama's so fat instead of LGBT, she TCBY. You know that bitch fat. But seriously, have y'all been to TCBY recently? When did the yogurt get so COLD? Okay, I was wanting to dispel something else out.

It's that time of the year again. It's Shark Week, best week of the year for television. I mean, you've got boats, sunburns, tight bathing suits, shirtless camera men. You've got sandbars, razor burn, pina coladas, late night hotspots in Miami. And how could I forget? Missed flights, problems at home, Olive Garden, wife and kids are gone. I actually have a confession. I was at Shark Week last year.

I don't recommend anybody going. Okay, I thought the Shark Week thing was going to go better. I was horrified when I was only hearing silence up here. Wasn't that kind of funny? I was just trying to pretend like my life fell apart during Shark Week. I didn't really get that across. Didn't really get that across. Okay, that's my time.

Thank you. Thank you. William Montgomery, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. Wow, William. Welcome back. Good to see you. So nice to be here. Good to see you.

Yeah, nice to see you. This is actually really awkward. People don't know this, but Theo and I made a $20,000 bet on the NBA championship this past year. I said Boston was going to win. He said Golden State was going to win. So Theo, I swear to God, I'm going to get you your $20,000 soon. Like this is so awkward, yeah. I swear, man, I swear to God, I'm going to get you that $20,000.

Okay. I mean, I wasn't going to say, you know, all right. Okay. I mean, I swear to God. I mean, up to this point, I apologize. I haven't given you your $20,000 yet, but I swear to God, Theo, I'm going to get it to you. I will honestly, man, I will let you keep the money if you don't talk to me about it anymore. Are you serious?

I'm not even joking. Yeah, I've been blowing up Theo's phone and gave me his phone number a couple of weeks ago. I call him every day and I guess you're not around your phone a lot or what's going on. You don't really, you haven't really been responding recently. I don't want you. Well, this is kind of awkward. I didn't think you were going to respond in that way. Okay.

Well, good to know. Well, I won't bring it up and I won't pay you the $20,000. Thank you. Cool. You're welcome. Very exciting stuff, William. The hair is growing back. You famously, your parents were in town about a month ago.

They forced you to get a haircut. Now it's growing back. You're sort of back to looking like the bad guy from Billy Madison. It's very exciting stuff. Do I look like that guy? I'm trying to picture what he looks like. Yeah, he looks like you, but you have a beard. Yeah, you look like Louis C. O. K. E.

Louis Coke. Yeah. I didn't think that was funny and I was scared to even say it. I think last time I met you, Theo, at the comedy store, I was very high on cocaine and I think I scared you. So it's interesting to see you again. And I honestly, I do remember that. One of the many people that William perhaps burned a bridge with

back in his days of, you know, back in his days of intoxication. But now you're sober, William. How's that been going for you lately? He's boring as shit. How's the crock pot been treating you? Crock pot's been good. I discovered something else.

Yeah. Did you laugh at that? Why'd you laugh at that? I've been there, man. It's nice. It's like having somebody there when you get back, you know? Yeah, it kind of is. It kind of is.

That's one of the reasons I had it going 24-7. Oh, damn, bro. Wow. I think it's supposed to undo one at some point. Yeah. Yeah, it's been going 24-7 for like two months now. Wow. That's a space eater, I think.

It might be a space eater. Yeah, I don't know where to put the food. It's, yeah. William, earlier we had the great yonder wizard on this stage where he debuted a brand new impression of you that was completely spot on. How did that make you feel? Oh, man.

I mean, I was sitting up in the green room doing Whippets with Hans. And then I'm like, Hans, is fucking the yonder wizard doing a fucking impression of me? And Hans said yes. And I don't know. I mean, I pretty much, when I heard it, I started clenching my gun.

I brought my gun with me tonight. Oh, wow. Started clenching my gun, started putting my finger on the trigger. I don't know if y'all have a gun or not, but it is just so exciting. Just putting your fucking finger on the trigger and just seeing how much you can pull it

before the bullet comes out. Ooh. So I was doing that up there. Yeah, I can get pretty close to when I know the bullet's going to come out, and then I just kind of lay off the trigger a little bit. But yeah, I've gotten really good at just having the gun in my pocket

and I'll start getting mad and I'll start pulling that trigger and then I'll be able to stop. While it's against your leg. Yes. Wow. That's very interesting. But it has obviously gone off before.

Yes. Right. Last Easter. Yeah? What happened last Easter? Fucking shot my... Dude, shut the fuck up! You're throwing me off.

I'm trying to fucking tell stories up here and I see some dumb ass down there just fucking. It's actually my cousin Taylor. Everybody give it up for my cousin Taylor. Taylor! It's from the Hispanic side of the family in case anybody was curious. Oh, you're German.

Yes, the old German side of the... Yeah. Yeah. Indeed. How'd you lose your idea sponsorship? They brought up some videos of me... Of you doing any of your sets on the show?

Yeah, I've always wondered that. If somebody ever wants to cancel my ass, they don't have to dig very far. No, no, none. They don't need to do that for any of us. That is absolutely true. You know what I think might be a fun way to end tonight's episode?

Is by doing something we've never done before. What's that? I think we should bring Yonder back up here. And... And I think you and Yonder should have an argument to end tonight's episode. I want to hear what this sounds like. Yeah.

Maybe we could... Maybe we could shut all the lights off and we have to guess which one's which. No, we can't shut the lights off. Red Band says he's in charge of the video of the podcast, so... Oh, we could do it with the madness. All right.

That's a great idea, actually. I love this. Yonder, get up here. Here's the great Yonder wizard from earlier. Yonder, grab that microphone right there and that stand. Oh, grab this one. Come over here.

Come over here. All right. Now, we're going to have one of you guys complain and then we're going to have D-Madness guess which one that was. This is the first time we've tried this in the history of the show. It's called Fool the D.

It's a new segment that I just came up with right now. Called Fool the D. All right. Here's one of the Williams yelling. Where the fuck were you last Easter? You knew where the fuck I was. No, seriously. Where the fuck were you last Easter

when I shot myself in the fucking leg? I was doing cocaine at the Chuck E. Cheese. You were doing cocaine at the Chuck E. Cheese? Yep. I don't go to Chuck E. Cheese anymore. No, but seriously, I was at the fucking Chuck E. Cheese. Where were you? But seriously, I do go to Chuck E. Cheese

all the time. I love Chuck E. Cheese. I don't know if you all ever do cocaine at Chuck E. Cheese, but it is such a fucking blast. Yes, seriously. Doing cocaine in that fucking Chuck E. Cheese? Yes, seriously.

I mean, doing fucking cocaine in the Chuck E. Cheese bathroom, there's nothing better. Yep. Have you ever done fucking cocaine in the Chuck E. Cheese bathroom before? No, but seriously, it's pretty good. Yeah, it's actually really cool

doing cocaine in the Chuck E. Cheese bathroom. Not a lot of people know that, but it's pretty easy to do it in the Chuck E. Cheese bathroom. There are kids everywhere. Nobody's expecting it. Yeah, you can get away with whatever the fuck you want, really.

Whatever the fuck you want to get away with, you can get away with it at Chuck E. Cheese. Yep. Anything you wanted to do with the fucking Chuck E. Cheese, you can pretty much get away with it. I'm dizzy. That made me dizzy.

Yeah, I'm feeling a little weak. Yeah, I'm feeling a weird right now. Maybe seriously, do you guys have any ibuprofen? Yeah, does anybody have any ibuprofen? No, I don't need it. I'm legitimately fucking dizzy up here right now. I'm fucking about to lose my lunch up here.

I thought that was going to be funnier. Losing my lunch, isn't that a vomit reference? Okay. Why the fuck aren't you laughing at that? What the fuck? That's a vomit reference. We're talking about puke. Yeah, we're talking about,

we're talking about vomiting air. I don't know fucking Theo for $20,000 anymore. Yeah. Seriously, I'm so sorry, Theo. I'm going to ask for a fucking money back. Start answering my calls again. No, but seriously, I don't owe you that money, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, we did it. That's another appearance by Yonder Wizard and the great William Montgomery. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great and powerful Theo Vaughn, everyone? This past weekend, one of the best damn podcasts out there. Check out his specials on Netflix.

Both of them, regular people, no offense. Get tickets to his shows. Get his new merch at theovaughn.com. That's a drawing by the great Ryan J. E. Belt. We did it again, ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Screwball peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony band. Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Paul Deemer on the horns. John Dees on the keys. Matt Mueling on guitar. And D-Madness on the motherfucking bass. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, D-Betty Vodka, and Hotel Granduka. We did it again, Red Band. Thanks a lot, guys. Love you.

Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.