KILL TONY - #570 - ANNIE LEDERMAN

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Annie Lederman, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/01/2022

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

You guys ready for the best goddamn Monday night you've ever had in your fucking lives? Guys, I'm going to be honest with you, the last like seven Mondays in a row have done better than that. Are you guys ready for the best goddamn experience of your fucking lives? That trick always works. Make some noise for the great red band, everybody. Hey, what's up, everyone? Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best

strip clubs in the world. Happen to be here in Austin, Texas. Loyal, extremely loyal sponsors of the show, alongside Austin Zone, Deep Eddie Vodka, the best vodka on planet Earth. All made here in Austin, Texas. What's better than that? Also, Raw Republic Juice and the Grand Duca Hotel, where now you use the promo code Kill Tony, save 25% on a Sunday or Monday night.

And guys, how about a hand for the fucking best damn band in the land? Huh? That's the Kill Tony band, brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. That's the great Paul Deemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the Peterson Brothers on the bass, and the electric guitar, and the great John Dees on the keys, everybody. Unbelievable local musicians here in the music capital of the world, Austin, Texas. And here's a little bit more of the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you for free here on YouTube right now.

Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional standup comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. August 26th and 27th, I'm in San Antonio, Texas. September 8th through the 10th, I'm back at West Palm Beach, Florida. September 29th through October 1st, Nashville, Tennessee. October 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. October 14th and 15th, I am in Boston, Massachusetts.

November 4th and 5th, New York, New York. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now, get tickets while you still can. Hey, y'all, I have a new, amazing favorite product, and it just so happens to be one

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That's athleticgreens.com slash kiltony. You'll get a one year supply of immune supporting vitamin D3K2 and five travel packs free with your first purchase. You cannot put a price tag on your own health. AG1, get it today. Athleticgreens.com slash kiltony. Ladies and gentlemen, are you guys ready to start tonight's show? One of the great things that's been happening lately is I've had a lot of my old

friends from the comedy store coming into town, staying extra time to stick around on a Monday night and do this show. I was able to convince one of my favorite humans to stay here this weekend. And she is with us tonight. You know her from Trash Tuesday. Comedy store paid regular and a living goddamn legend. Make some noise for my friend. Annie Letterman, everybody.

What? Oh, shit. Multiple time kill Tony guest. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Holy shit.

Chugging a sugar-free Red Bull. She has bad ass, almost as bad ass as a Harry Potter shirt. Oh, I like that shirt. It's really cute. Welcome to the show, Annie. I love how you're already chugging sugar-free Red Bulls. This is some type of like weird reverse Shane Gillis thing, or you're going to sober up the longer the show goes on.

But we'll both stay awake all night. Don't worry. Hell fucking yes. She is here to party. That is the cocaine of 2022 Red Bull. Sugar-free. Annie, you've been on the show many, many times. We are a brother and sister from the comedy store in LA, where we did the show for nine

years before moving to our new home of Austin. So you know how this all works. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which just interrupts them. And it's a whole thing. We meet a bunch of live stand-up comedians for some of the first time.

Some of them make it big off of this show. We've already made some local legends here in Austin. There's flies again, Nick. Whoa, Red Band, you actually got it. Yoni, did you get that? Where the fuck's Yoni? Yoni. Oh my God.

You got that? Wow. We got thumbs up on that. Red Band, one of the most sluggish human beings on planet Earth, was able to just kill a fly fast enough to kill it and yet delicate enough to not knock over the top of his iPad, a very hard place to hit without knocking it both forward or backwards. Red Band, that's all Liquid IV right there, which reminds me. That is.

Use the promo code Tony to save 15% off of it at liquidiv.com. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? Oh shit, Annie again. We have not, this is wild. This is, I mean, that is very stone cold Steve Austin to throw a can of Red Bull into the crowd. Yeah, you know what, before going to the bucket tonight, let's get a regular up here to start tonight's show.

Ladies and gentlemen, this young man came into our lives just over a year ago. I was on jets with him all weekend, doing massive, massive theaters. We've been doing arenas. We have more theaters this week, more theaters the weekend after that. This guy is on jets to theaters and arenas now. He was sleeping in his van one year and two months ago. I did Ketamine with him last night. Annie did Ketamine with him last night.

We're going to talk about that for sure after his minute. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. What's up, Austin? Make some noise if you love Mopac. It's good to be here. I was in Dallas recently and I got a girl into my hotel room, but she didn't want to have sex with me. She was like, I don't want you to just fuck me and then forget about me.

I was like, well, if you don't fuck me, I'm definitely going to forget about you. Also have more confidence in your pussy game. I love how every Marvel movie is now about alternative multiple universes because it's so relatable and practical for my everyday life. It's like, why don't you just stay in one universe and write a good story instead of telling a shitty story over multiple universes? But love love love it that we're here right now. OK, thank you.

Wow, look at that. Someone someone wrote 55 seconds of material this week. Holy shit. Sometimes it's a little more obvious than other times. I thought he wrote like 20 seconds, honestly. Yeah, that's how long I last, usually. Oh, my goodness. He is here live in the flesh wearing his Amazon seven dollar

fifty cent loafers that he got four weeks ago. He wears them everywhere, including with gym shorts now. Hans, how are you feeling? I feel amazing. Yeah. I had a great time with you and Joe. We shot guns. We got to know each other.

Yep. Wait, you and I got to know each other? I hope so. What are you talking about? What do you mean we got to know each other? We've known each other for a while. Well, I'd like to think we entered another level in our friendship. Wow.

All right. Shooting guns, obviously. A little bit of a little bit of a bonding experience. What was your favorite part of shooting guns, Hans? Probably burning myself on the barrel of a Tommy gun. All right. What are your favorite? Yeah, it's sometimes it's just straight autism.

Is that real aviator nation that you're wearing? Where'd you get that from? You famously are. I mean, very famously cheap and extremely famous for that. So I'm excited to find out how or why you bought an aviator nation t-shirt. I did a show there and they gave us $300 of credit. And whoa, yeah, that's actually a cool show. They just let you like spend money and get clothes.

Yeah, but everything's like two hundred dollars. Right. Yeah, I have a trick for that show. If you book yourself on the show and then cancel, you still get the two hundred. Oh, look at that. That's some LA trickery right there. I got a free outfit today is all I'm saying. Wow. Hans, what else is going on in life?

Catch us up. What's happening? I've been corresponding with the beautiful female waitress from from a comedy club in Florida. Oh, what did you say? Transponding? Corresponding. Corresponding. OK.

What does this mean? You say it like you're writing letters back and forth with a quill pen or something. Yeah, it's the way he can say that he is friendzoned already. I hope not. We did have sex. Wow. OK. She she we FaceTime, we FT. Whoa, really? You sure? Do you drop Wang on the drop way?

Oh, yeah, I have done that. Yeah. So you do that. You have sex over FaceTime? We've done it done at once. Well, you know that you know that screen recording everything that you do. Yeah, you know. So good. Thank you, Red Band. So good. So when you FaceTime, you said that you do have FaceTime sex with her.

What exactly the fuck is going on when you do that? What are you showing her? What is she showing you? Is the camera facing you or do you flip it around? Is it propped up? I'm usually laying down and I put it right here so it catches some dick. Oh, my goodness. How do you balance that?

If a fly lands on it, did you knock your phone over? No, Red Band comes in and grabs it. Yeah, Mike Jones. Hell, yeah. I just is that where she keeps her phone to are you guys like, let's enter thigh time? She goes with the close ups. She goes really close to the vagina. I have to be like, I want to see your face. Wow.

She's doing that on purpose because your face is better. Red Band is convinced that this woman in Florida, why would you ever think that a Florida comedy club waitress would do anything like that? It's Florida and everyone knows that. If she's showing just her vagina, no one knows it's her. Yes. If Hansa's sitting there going like she could like, you know, when he becomes a huge arena comedian, she could sell it to fucking TMZ for a million dollars. There you go. Absolutely.

A lot of work, a lot of words there, Red Band, a lot of words. I'm trying to explain it slowly for the autistic guy. For those of you that missed it. She's showing her vagina the whole time, according to Red Band. On top of many other words, he tried to convince me that having straight vodka before the show was a good idea. Now he's talking about women's verginas. Everyone for China.

It is a for China indeed. Hans, what the fuck else am I missing? I feel like there's something more that we're missing here. What else is there? I got stood up by two girls in Dallas. OK, I invited one girl to the UFC cage side and she was like, can I bring my friend? Right. I was like, no.

Right. And so she didn't have sex with me. Right. OK. And then the girl in the hotel room was too tired to have sex with me. Now that's an interesting one. That is true. We got back to the hotel after a very, very, very, very, very, very long day, Saturday night.

We're all walking to the elevators and Hans informs us that he has a girl in his room waiting. Oh, to have sex with him is what he said. Yeah. So we're actually a waitress. She was waiting. How long was she in the room for? That actually is a good question. She was there for about two hours.

OK. And did you like leave a room key for her? Yeah, I gave her a room key. Oh, you just gave it to her straight up. You checked your checking account balance lately. I'm fucked. I trust her. Yes. Yes. If you give a girl your room key, she can get into your checking accounts. Everybody, this is what all of them from Red Band today.

It literally is luggage in its computers and shit. I'm sure is in there probably. Right. Thank you. Red Band, you have been robbed a lot. Yeah. No, I don't just try it. You do not trust women at all. No, I don't trust strippers from Florida. I'm like, what the fuck? OK, Red Band, very good.

All right. Have you ever been with a stripper from Florida? Oh, yeah. Wow. Not in the club, giving her money, but like no, in the club, in the back room. Chris Rock is a liar. There is sex in the back room. Red Band, you are drunk. I'm warning you. You are already drunk.

You might not know it. You might be feeling good. You're drunk right now. I'm not even going to look at you. That's how drunk you are. I'm going to keep looking at Hans and telling you that you're drunk. Breathe a little bit. Let the air get up to your brain.

Thank you. Very good. Hans, give me something else. When's the last time you did have sex with a girl? Probably in my bedroom about on probably like Tuesday. All right. That's a very strategic answer there. Why probably? Why probably? I'm just not good with dates. It was after Kill Tony, so it was a Monday

and then we slept over till Tuesday. Is this your big puss night? Yeah, it's pretty big for me. Yeah. Huge. Now, did you, you used to take them back to your van to fuck? I would usually be like, I live in Flugerville. Can we go back to your place? I actually did just get, I remembered a fucking week ago

in the official Kill Tony after party, you were dancing with a girl and at the same time making out with her while dancing and a bunch of friends of the show touched me like that and everybody was pointing at you and it was pretty fucking crazy to see. If you picture it, Hans moving up and down like that while the girl's face was connected to his

and they're making out the entire time, super fucking awkward. Is that a move you go with a lot? I guess so. Whatever I can get, right? I'm having trouble imagining it, though. Like, can Red Band, can you go be the girl? Can we see what a... Oh, shit.

Fuck you, Annie. You're outnumbered, Red Band. I tried to save you. Hans Cam, you did it again. Another new minute. Very fun, very interesting. Hans Cam, everybody. Thank you. That was Hans Cam.

That was Hans Cam, that was Hans Cam. We're going to the bucket now. You guys ready to get fucking crazy, huh? We're about to meet somebody together, perhaps for the very first time. Make some noise for Callen Glau, everyone. Callen Glau. This was Hans Cam, that was Hans Cam.

This is Hans Cam. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. Callen Glau. So I went on a date with the Jewish gal the other day. She was actually half Jewish. I knew she was half Jewish and not full Jewish because she was hot.

We had a good conversation and then she found out I dabbled in stand-up comedy and she asked me to roast her. That's not really my thing, you know. She's a good looking gal, so I politely declined. She looked in me eyes and says, No roast me, I want to be roasted. I looked at her and I said,

Haven't your people been roasted enough? I figure that joke gets a little different when you look like Hitler's wet dream, you know? So there's this garden store near my hometown called Plant Parenthood. For some reason all they sell is weed killer. Ah, shit. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

There you go. Callen Glau has entered the chat. Welcome, Callen. How are you? Doing well, man. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? About a year now. A year? Holy fucking shit. All right. One year. Very interesting.

You are a really, really odd-looking character. How old are you? What's that? How old are you? I'm 22. 22 years old and you already look like a full-blown pedophile. That is incredible. Barely old enough to even be a pedophile.

He only could have been a pedophile for four years. Meanwhile, you look like you have a master's degree in pedophilia. I actually have a story about that if you want to hear it. I bet you fucking do. Yeah. So, I just graduated college a couple months ago. And I was a business major as well as an acting major. And I got reported in the theater building.

I was in this show and I was talking to this guy and we were talking about post-nut clarity. And for those who don't know, post-nut clarity is like when a man finishes and realizes like what he did, you know? And so... Rape the woman? Yeah. Like, is that what you were talking about?

Yeah. So, I said, you know, I... Oops, I choked her too hard. She's still purple. But my clarity is amazing. So, I... Red Band, every time I think you're drunk, you do something like that and completely redeem yourself.

Tell us this fucking story. Yeah, sorry. I told them, I said, I hate when that happens to me. You know, whenever it happens to me, I just wipe my hand off in the bushes and wave goodbye to the kids at the park. And some gal said that she was triggered by that. And I asked her if she was Catholic

because they did all the kids and stuff. Yep, we know about that. I see what's coming here just like I did with your Jew joke during your fucking set. Scary. You're going to finish it though? Finish it. I want to help. No, no, that's the whole thing.

That's the whole thing? Oh, you're not even going to finish it? She didn't respond because she was dead. Remember, these are people who murdered these people. You told that joke to who? No, I wasn't. I just, yeah, in the backstage. I was just joking around with the guy

and some gal got triggered by it. What a dumb bitch. I know, right? Yeah, what the hell? It's like a reverse of those women that are nerds and they take off their glasses and get like hot. I feel like he takes off his glasses and he knows how to throw football all of a sudden.

Yeah, let's see it. Oh, shit. Oh, you're one of them. You have Down syndrome, dude. Put the glasses back on, bro. Put the fucking glasses back on. Damn. Holy shit.

You are a Down syndrome pedophile. Very interesting. This guy's Downs to fuck anything. Very progressive. Corky likes to porkey. Yeah. Fucking. Doogie Howser, motherfucker.

Look at this guy. I love it. You're dressed like a Kleenex box. That's pretty cool. What do you do for work, Callan? Well, I would get to sales. I just got a job a couple of weeks ago down here in Austin. So, let's move down.

Very cool. What are you selling? I'm selling... Candy to the children. There's no money exchanged on here. No. It's all consensual. Now, I sell cloud services to businesses.

Oh, cloud services. That's what you call it when you send people to heaven. That's what it is. Still a murder. You're not convincing me. I'd love to see that web browser history. I'd love to see what's in that cloud. You said that you were an acting major at one point.

Yes, sir. Did you ever do anything with all that acting? Yeah. I did some main stage shows and stuff at the university, but that's as far as I took it. What kind of shows did you do? There's a show called Stonewall. You know what Stonewall is?

No. Yeah. You kept the mustache? What's that? You kept the mustache from playing the gay guy? I had a beard then. Yeah. Yeah.

And Stonewall was like, it was a, it was like a gay riot thing back in the 80s in New York. Yeah. Yeah. I played the, I played the racist cop. Whoa. Wow. My goodness.

Apparently I fit the bill. Yeah. They're like, don't change a thing. Yeah. You're like, do I need to go to hair and makeup? They're like, get on the stage, motherfucker. You are ready. Yeah.

Yeah. Racist cop. Yeah. Do I have a line? Is that what you said? Yeah. I said the N-word once. I'm not going to do that.

Oh, shit. Do it. Do it. Paul Deemer. The bags are in, the bags are in bags. Paul Deemer. The horn player who has literally not said anything the last 25 episodes almost got this guy to say the N-word on stage.

I mean, Deemer, what is going on? Dude, you're going to burn the whole ship. Okay. Give us a little line from your flight. From the shell? Yeah. Shit. Yeah.

Fuck. I'm trying to think. There's a long time I get it, Tony. Right. Career's not going well. Come on, buddy. Yeah, I know. I know.

I know. All right. Give me a second here. All right. Here he is. Yeah. Playing a rapist cop. What are you doing around here?

How's that? That's it? Yeah. What does the other person say? All right. All right. Do it with me. I'll go with you.

Ask me. Yeah. What are you doing around here, N-word? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Why am I hard right now? That is so weird. I'm here to see the stone wall.

Yeah. You want to see the stone wall? Come with me to the back of the car. I'll show you this. That sounded really gay. God damn it, dude. Fuck. It's just that paired with the shirt.

That's stupid. Yeah. Oh, my God. Tell us something embarrassing about your life, Callan. What's the most embarrassed you've ever been? Oh, fuck. All right. Honestly, the most embarrassing I've ever done, one time I banged a fat girl to church.

Whoa. Damn. She was sneaking in the communion and you fucking got her? Yeah, dude. It was like Chris Farley like in a female version. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah.

It was like my first week of college. Did you David Spray her? What's that? Did you David Spray her? What's that? I don't know. Like David Spray. Okay.

Oh, my God. Wow. You have extra jokes from like a David Spade roast or something? Some more Red Bulls in you, Annie. There you go. Oh, shit. Holy shit. So how big?

A bit huge. How big? Yeah. Like two, 20, to be honest. And where in the church were you? Yeah. Like right out against the church, right outside the church. Oh, my God.

Did she eat all the bread? Did she eat all the bread? Yes. She ate a lot that night. Not the bread though. Yeah. Still the greatest head I ever had in my life though, Tony. It's what I got.

The greatest what? The greatest blow job I've ever had in my life. Right. Which I mean makes sense obviously, right? I mean, big girls like things in their mouths. That's right. Damn straight. Sausage.

That is what they do. Yep. So blow job then sex or sex then blow job? Yeah, it was blow job then sex. Right. I was super drunk, which was a great excuse for after the fact that it happened. But yes, it was pretty wild. I had blow job, sex, the whole thing for like an hour.

And she put her finger at my butt. Whoa. I didn't expect that. Damn. Big girls like the chocolate. Yeah. Is that when you found Jesus? Yes.

Red band. If you horned your one fart noise into that part. I love it. Yeah. Callan, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Thank you, Tony. I would highly recommend not doing Jew roasting Holocaust joke. Appreciate it.

We've been down this road before. But come sign up again. I want to see a different minute. Awesome. That goes Callan. Thank you, Tony. Thank you guys. Appreciate it.

Catch him on the. Catch him on fucking forensic files. Real soon. We've had murders on this show before. That guy's got an energy to him. All right. This looks like a fun name. You guys haven't fun out there yet.

Huh? Make some noise for Theo Constantino. Here he comes. He's got a good pace. Very quick to the stage. Make some noise for Theo everybody. Thank you. You guys are so nice.

I'm visiting from Boston. I got to say, you, Austin's a really nice town. As soon as I got here, homeless people kept coming up to me. Shaking their change cups. So much that I had to say, no, thank you. I, I have enough. So nice. That was a joke.

I took the money. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I took the money.

I'm broke. Not stupid. Everyone's trying to afford a house. I'm trying to afford a bidet. Amen. I had to make one at home. You can too. All you need is water balloons and a friend you can trust.

Smart. You know, I live in a pretty rough neighborhood. Found out a bunch of perverts live near me. So I'm moving because there's nothing I hate more than competition. Relax. I'm not on any of those lists. I'm that good. That's it.

Thanks guys. Wow. Theo Constantino. Ladies and gentlemen with some very, very light comedy here. Light laughter. I quickly realized that. Yeah. How long have you been doing this?

A little bit over four years. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, man. That is enough. I mean, the last guy a year, I couldn't fucking believe it, but that four years, truly unbelievable. Is that how it usually goes for you? No, it goes better. Where? What nursing home do you perform at?

Where people are losing their minds. Oh, balloon and a friend you could trust. Nursing homes with bidets. Oh my goodness. Theo, you are a fucking, not a savage. Where have you been doing this stand up comedy for four years? Boston. Boston.

Okay. What clubs in Boston? Mostly bar shows. Right. Who's booking you? Barbacks. After that said, I'd rather not say. Okay.

What do you do for work, Theo? I work in a lab in biotech. Okay. What are you doing in this laboratory? Are you perhaps creating virus strains that make you unfunny? Because I think you might have an outbreak. We need to report this to the CDC so that they can do nothing for five to seven months and create a global...

Hell yeah. Okay. Theo Constantino, what's interesting about your life? You good at anything? Thought it was comedy. Guess it's nothing now. Oh yeah. You are such a sweet boy.

Let me take some guesses here because I know comedy very well. I know what makes people funny. You ready for this? Yeah. I guarantee without any doubt, and this is hard to do, I guarantee that your parents are still together and in love with one another. Am I correct? No.

Really? No. Oh my God. When did they divorce? No. Together just bitter. Just... It's like they're divorced.

Oh, they're together. But they go to your shows? What the fuck did I say? No. That's good. No. Oh, you took the happily part to heart. Yeah.

You could say that. But you, your parents are always together. Do you understand? People with jokes like yours, the parents are together 100% of the time. Fun fact for all of you comedy fans, 0% of your favorite comedians have parents that are together. 0%. Most of them were raped as children ruthlessly, thrown in the streets, shoved into lockers,

raised fucked by their enemies. And that is how you create monsters. You see, this is the kind of comedy you get when your parents are unhappily together. They still got time. You need trauma in your life. Do you understand? No, they still got time. No.

No, no, no. No, no, no. What's the worst thing that's ever happened in your life? The worst thing that's ever happened. Yeah. Well... I've been hit by a car three times. Wait a second.

What? Get the hint, motherfucker. Come on. Not the same car, but yeah. Right. Oh, you son of a bitch. That's one of those Theo Constantino jokes right there. Not the same car at all.

Okay. I love it. You are adorable. Thank you. So were you walking, running, driving? I was just walking. I think they knew I was going to try to do comedy and just try to take it out. Do you walk on freeways?

No, just, I guess, busy streets. It feels like... How three times, though? Just different points, man. I don't know. What the fuck? I don't think my neck muscles were working during each of them, so... What would that have to do with anything?

Looking to see the cars coming? Oh my God, Theo. Holy shit. That is incredible. Yeah, this is getting a little bit scary. What else? Other than getting hit repeatedly by cars that you don't see coming, unlike your punchline in which everyone sees comedy.

Yeah, I got a concussion when I was a kid and I almost died. Probably should have led with that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I think I get it. I get it now. Parents are together plus concussions equals a fucking... I love it, though. This is your fucking Super Bowl halftime show right here.

Feels like it. Yeah, thank you. Do you have any other special skills or talents? Do you do anything? Do you play any music? You have a fucking... Yeah, I play music sometimes. What type of music do you play?

Whatever. I don't know. What do you mean, whatever? I don't know. I like a little... I play some hits by the cars. I don't know anything, man. Classic rock, Led Zeppelin, Grateful Dead.

What do you mean? I like the 70s a lot. You play guitar or something? Yeah. You say that like everybody does. It feels like everybody does, yeah. Interesting. Alright, Theo.

Anything else interesting about the history of your life? No, I think my parents will still be together. Yeah, no doubt. Two years, that's what it feels like. Yeah, and they both have jobs. You have one, no, two sisters? Yeah. One or two?

Which one? Two. Two, okay. I almost said one and then I said two. So it's two. Which one's tighter? I can tell. It takes a certain...

Red Band, literally throwing anything against the wall for a laugh at this point. No, I can tell. You can literally tell. I've been in the business so long that I can tell what it takes to be a certain level of funny. And yeah, you always had one dog in the house? No. No dog? You had it all?

No. Greek? Yeah. All the way? All the way, fully, yeah. Wow, look at that. Unbelievable. Sometimes I blow my own mind.

Man, I'm trying to figure something out. Theo, I feel like there's something I'm missing here about you. What scares you? What are you afraid of? A weird fear I got, I'm terrified of jellyfish. They scare the fuck out of me. Oh my goodness. Wow.

They don't got a face, so I can't tell if they're mad. Have you ever gone down on a... Wait. Are you scared of jellyfish when you're walking on the sidewalk? No, in the ocean, where they are. Have you ever gone down on a girl before, Theo? Yeah. I definitely have.

Do you have any special tricks that you could share with the audience? Do you have anything special that you do when performing oral sex on a woman? Try not to come, I guess. Wait. What's my secret move? Sometimes you come while going down on a girl. Look at that. I guess those neck muscles aren't that bad.

I feel like he needs to get hit by a car one more time. It's like... It's like fourth car is a charm. Four cars equal like a divorced parent or getting raped or like... Theo Constantino, you are one of the most water-flavored human beings I've ever... A jellyfish of comedians. Yes. You are.

Theo, very, very interesting stuff. Come back again. Sign up again. We'll see you again. Theo Constantino. Theo Con, everybody. A little joke book for Theo. Handmade from the Great Bones Eye.

We're going back to this bucket again. Anything can happen here. Some people look very disappointed in the audience at the show. Some people in the audience are... Ah, who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ. All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Lino Rodriguez, everybody.

Here we go. We're getting into it here. Lino Rodriguez. Is there movement? Oh, here he comes. Lino Rodriguez. One more time for Lino, everybody. What's up, folks?

Period sex is a lot like ramen noodles when you think about it, right? Think about it. Hear me out. It's never your first choice. But if you're offered it, you're like, ah, I can eat. You know? I never even want to turn down a meal unless it's shrimp flavored. I'm like, I'll pass.

You know? If you don't fuck with period sex, I don't fuck with you. And that's on blood. So who? You know? You know? I'm fat. I'm fat to eat.

I don't know. I'm not smooth. You see this shit? God damn it. You know, I love cake. I love cake. I love those videos on the internet. Is it cake?

Y'all seen that shit, man? Is it cake? I was watching porn the other day, right? And this lady was blowing the guy, like, getting into it. And her head fell off. I was like, oh, my fuck is cake. Cream started pouring out. I was like, holy shit.

Boston cream. Shoulda known. Shoulda known. God, I love cake. You know what I mean? Fucking hell. This world's a crazy place. Why are white people shooting us?

They're shooting, they're shooting all of us. You know? All right. Lino Rodriguez. You did it. Much more than a minute, minute 15. I'm sorry. It's okay.

You got it all out of your system. Can I hit the punchline on that one? Maybe. Is it okay? You want to go back in time and do it again? I just want to finish it. You really, really want to. Go ahead, Lino.

Except for that one guy, right? He was Latino. I was like, holy shit. We really are gunning for their jobs, aren't we? Holy shit. Never mind. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it.

I tried to warn you, Lino. I've been doing this a long time. Damn it. It wasn't worth it. Hell yeah. That's like Biden getting COVID twice. It wasn't worth it. Annie Letterman, what do you think about this guy?

Not so Lino Rodriguez. Like your shirt, bad boy. You're missing the at comedy. I try my best. You're like Bob's bad boy. He's so eager. That's fine. You're going to eat that bloody beaver.

All the time. I wish there was some blood in that mouth right now. It's interesting that you eat period pussy because it looks like you have a massive iron deficiency. There's like something missing there. You look like a Mexican red band. Or as I call him, brown band. I blame COVID.

Or wet band, for that matter. So Lino, let's talk about it. How old are you? You look like a giant seven-year-old. I'm eight, actually. I love it. I'm 25. Where are you from?

Mississippi, born and raised. Wow. Mississippi. What part? Biloxi. Ocean Springs. All that shit. It's all the same.

Okay. All right. Is that where you live now? New Orleans. You live in New Orleans. How long have you lived there? A year. All right.

What do you do for work there? Right now, I'm a GIS analyst. Before I was a security guard. A GIS analyst? GIS. GIS. I map things for like different companies. Like the government or doctors or whatever.

That's the gist of it. All right. What do you do for fun? Comedy, music, hang out, masturbate, play video games. What kind of music do you do? What do you mean you do music? Alternative. I like to write my own stuff.

Alternative music sometimes. Really? You want to do a little song for us here or something like that? The band can literally play anything. Lean out. Lean out. If you just tell them what you want to happen. I need a guitar.

Oh, you need your own guitar? Yeah. Oh, you play guitar? Yes. Look at this. Wow. That's incredible. Normally musicians don't share, I don't...

You know what? It's okay. This is a real professional musician here. I don't know. I'm a professional. I'm trying. Okay. Oh, my God.

I do believe you're being blessed. What if he grabbed the guitar and it was cake? And it was what? And it was cake. Yeah. Playing the cake guitar, everybody. We know Rodriguez. This is all very interesting here.

Yes. Holy shit. Oh, my God. How about a hand to the Peterson brothers who are being nice enough. They're being nice enough for sharing their... Real instruments here. It's not turned on. Oh, they turned it off.

That's the catch. He's only letting you play the guitar under the conditions that it's off. Yeah, you know how to work one of these things. Amateur. Okay. All right. You want to raise the mic stand a little bit? Yeah, probably should.

Yo, man. The fucking hunchback of New Orleans over here. We know you don't want to squat. We know. Lefty Lucy, man. What the hell? I'm having a hard time. Can I get some help?

Could you help me please? Just turn left. Just turn left. Jesus Christ. I'm out of my period. What am I going to do with me? Holy shit. My back feels so much better.

Paul Deemer just whispered in his ear, say the n-word. Someone's going to do it. I got you. I got you. Natella. I like Natella. I'm fat. Okay.

Um. Last night I had a dream that you were with me. And I woke up you and nowhere do we see. That night is my, my life to thug with me. And I'm the psychedelic princess of my dreams. Your eyes, yellow dress, those drugs were made to help us. It's all beautiful and it's true. Came into my life.

All right. All right. All right. All right. I like your voice. You have a great voice. I thought that sucked. Red Band has horrible taste in music.

And he has literally listened to shitty music all the time. That sucked. That song didn't even have a chorus. I was getting there. You're on the third verse. Zero choruses. I was getting there. I was getting there.

What fucking Chuck E. Cheese music shit was that? I like to eat. It's cake. That was fucking fat boy music right there is what that was. Jesus Christ. Oh shit. Annie Letterman. Whoa.

Annie Letterman just gave him abs. He's got abs now. Keep your shirt up. Oh my goodness. Annie Letterman just gave him abs. It's hard to spray tan in Mexican. You can barely see it. It says closest he's going to get.

Very true. I like to eat, man. How does it feel? Stop eating so much. No. Stop. Work on your music. It's fun.

I don't know. What? Do you play in a band? No, by myself. All by yourself. All by myself. Like Green Day. Oh my goodness.

Yeah. I don't think you're quite like Green Day. Nothing better than diabetic Green Day. You know what I mean? It's like your foot's going to be green one day. It's a complimentary color currently. Absolutely. Absolutely.

What else about your life, Lino Rodriguez? What's another fun fact that we would find interesting about you? I was born with sideways feet. Wait. What? Yeah. What the fuck do you mean sideways feet? His mother fuck with sideways, man.

Upside down. Holy shit. Are you a fucking club foot motherfucker, man? Oh my god. Born with that shit. Both of them. Can you dark side of the moonwalk? Is that this?

Oh my god. That's wild. Do not draw attention to your angles. You're going to get a fucking gout, dude. My doctor sucks. It wasn't a good talk to them. Sideways feet. How did they explain that to you?

Is that just a normal thing? Was your mom drinking? What happened? Yeah. Really? I don't know if that was a problem, but I mean, it was there. My goodness. It was.

She was. It's fetal alcohol syndrome. Oh my god. I'm going to kill myself. What? Yeah, no doubt. So let's talk about it, Lino. Did you have to have surgery to get your feet turned the correct way?

Yeah. Actually, I had a lot. I had six surgeries on my left and three on my right. Wow. Incredible. When was the last time you had surgery? High school, man. Wow.

Yeah. All right. Did the kids make fun of you a lot? What would they say about you? Man, it was cripple, man. Everything cripple. Oh man, there was this one guy in high school. It was hilarious.

I was playing football and he was like, Lino Rodriguez, your ankles are in the press box. Oh my god. Wow. Wait, you were playing football in a wheelchair? No, I mean. What position did you play in? Bench.

Wow. Yeah. I wasn't too good at it, but I tried my hardest. Lino did. I was real slow. I was real slow, mentally and physically. Lino, did the feet distract them for making fun of how fat you were? Yes, actually, it helps.

Man, no, man. They made fun of my titties a lot. Get nice tits, you know? All right, Lino. Very good. Thank you. It was nice to meet you. Congratulations.

It was a joke book. Take a joke book, Lino Rodriguez. Oh my goodness gracious. I like Lino. Lino is cool. He's very likable. He was good. He's very likable, especially when you can bear him to the other people that have been

pulled out of the bucket so far here tonight. Lino's number one. All right. Back to the bucket. We go. Cameron Mai is next. M-A-I. Cameron Mai, perhaps it's a May.

M-A-I. All right. Here he comes. I think this thing's about to get wild here. I can feel it. Cameron Mai. Hey. How you guys doing?

You guys hanging out? That's cool, man. My life is falling apart. No, it's true, man. The amenities where I live are going to absolute dog shit, you know? Like I looked at my washing machine the other day. I was like, I don't know. I can put it in this thing before it just bales out of me forever.

One in my bedroom. My girlfriend was crying. I was like, I don't know how many more loads. I can put it in this thing before it just bales out of me forever. I mean, God damn. It's a rough day, y'all. It's true. I've been seeing this Mexican girl recently.

She's a freak. I love it. She's really like sensual things in the bedroom, you know? So I put a blindfold on and I brought ice into the bedroom, which is a pretty bold move because you can only do it depending on the rate of immigration. They watched. You know? You had a good time.

My job sucks, man. I know my job sucks because people tell me. Like I work at Target. I was stalking shelves. This one lady came up to me. She was like, hey, it gets better. And then just left me with that. All right.

Thanks, y'all. Cameron. All right. Cameron. My am I saying that right? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

I don't look more Asian. No, it's all good. I like your look. You're like Malcolm in the middle of being electrocuted. How old are you? Why does everybody look like five year olds tonight? I'm 19. That's why I was out of breath when I got up here.

I ran outside. Right. You had to run from school to get here. Yeah. That's why I'm out of breath. I didn't want to be tardy. He was running from that first guy that went up. Oh, did he?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, did he suck? No.

He was a pedophile. And he sucked too a little bit. Little kids digs. Yeah. I got a chance. I like that ice joke. That was good. Yeah.

He was good. So far best comedian of the fucking bucket tonight. Hey, thank you. I appreciate it. They were so bad though. They were so bad. Yeah. Just goes to show what kind of show it's been so far.

Five. Cameron, I'm guessing by your skin tone, this is your first time out of the house in a while. Oh, fuck. What's been going on, dude? I've not been hitting that Texas sun. You're right. What do you do for work?

I work at Target, yeah. Oh, wow. Holy shit. 19 years old working at Target. Yeah. Very interesting. What do you do there exactly? I like stock shows.

I work at the Starbucks sometimes. That's not bad. Look at you. Look at you. How do you sometimes work at a Starbucks? Just whatever they schedule me to do. Since they have Starbucks in Target. Oh, I see what you're saying.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Reben. My goodness. Could have figured that one out. By the way, though, your jokes, you went from having a girlfriend to then going, I've been seeing this other Mexican girl. Like you should like combine the two somehow. No, I thought I did not make that unclear muffle.

I was supposed to be the same girl. It's like how there's a Starbucks in Target, you fucking idiot. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I like that part. Cameron, you're 19 years old. Tell us what you're doing for fun out there in this universe. I've been hanging out with my friends and I've been going to jujitsu.

Okay. Okay, Rogan. All right. He's getting close. He's coming for you, Rogan. He's not going to let you bully him anymore. I love it. I've always said kill Tony deserves its own Jack Harlow.

So this is very exciting. You're like hack Harlow. No, I'm kidding. Again, you were great, especially compared to everybody else tonight. Cameron, so let's talk about it. What else in your life do you do for fun? I used to ride bikes a lot. I used to smoke a lot of weed and ride bikes around lakes.

Bicycles. What happened? Oh. Bicycles. I thought you fell in or something. You're talking about bicycling? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my God. You would ride bikes and smoke marijuana? Yeah. Like just be around nature. It was fun. Okay. But I moved. What else?

What's something dangerous that you've done in your life? Something dangerous. Yeah. I went to like a lot of burns when I was a kid with my family. It was like Burning Man type festivals. Oh, wow. And yeah. Yeah.

I was like 12 hanging out there. Wow. Yeah. What happens when like instead of fetal alcohol syndrome, it's like they did acid and stuff while they were pregnant? Yeah. Yeah. That's fun.

I had to ruin like so many people's acid trips probably. Yeah. Just a kid popping up. Just a kid. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. So your parents would take you to wild festivals. Well, it's just my mom.

Right. Right. Your parents aren't together. No, no way. Exactly. What? Yeah. That's not a shocking to anyone.

No. Did you like see your mom like at Burning Man, like hooking up? Like blush out? Yeah. She was still a mom. She wasn't like that. She was like, like the most responsible festival mom you could be. Did she ever leave you alone at all for a second?

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So it's probably. Yeah. Your mom is getting fucked. I blocked that part out.

How about you Cameron? What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that jerks off by looking in the mirror. What the hell? I don't know. No. No. I am single.

That was a lie. You are single. Those relationship jokes were a lie. They're all a lie. Yeah. All of it. Well, I mean, they used to be true. I'm not dating her anymore.

I knew you were lying. I kept the jokes. You don't do fucking laundry. You're 19 years old. Whoa. You've never done your own fucking laundry. Was raised by a single mother. I do my own laundry.

You should not be a strong or dependent person. Whoa. Look at how he talks to women. Hey, give it up for my fucking mom. Love, love, love. Oh, it's cute how you're defending her. I'm sorry. Is she here?

Did she bring you here? No way. It's a car. Wow. Is your mom supportive of your comedy? Yeah. She's happy. I'm doing what makes me like happy.

Oh, that's what happens when your mom does mushrooms. She fucking opens up. Yeah. She wants the best for you. She wants you to be an artist. This love life thing. Are you on like dating apps or so? What are 19 year olds doing to hook up nowadays?

I used to be and I hate them now. I don't enjoy them at all. So what do you do? You just go out to the. I don't even try anymore. I don't know. I just don't. I'm not really interested in relationships.

Really? Yeah. Huh? No, I mean, I was dating a girl like a few months ago, like I said, when I wrote those jokes. I've never met a 19 year old with such low testosterone before. This is incredible. Well, Tony, to be quite frank, I'm not even into sex anymore.

Like what? I think he's scared that his ex is going to hear this. You know what I mean? And like, oh, there's a chance still to get back. No, I don't care if she hears this at all. Right. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck you, you 19 year old bitch. How old was she? How old was she? She was the same age as me. Okay. But she was in college. So it was like schedules are hard to match because.

Right. Like I work all day. I'm out at night. And she. Right. And plus if she wanted to fuck a comedian, she just fucked Christa Lea. Yeah. That's true.

That's true. Tool, tool. I'm just kidding. Shut up. All right. Cameron. You ever have any, you have any bad dreams recently? I had a dream that I came up here and ate a dick.

So I'm glad. Wow. There's still time. Red Band, can you give him your dick real quick? You know what? I'm going to let Tony handle this one. Thank you. Very good.

Red Band literally one for 34 on the night. Cameron fun times. Congratulations on having some decent jokes. Thank you. Especially again, compared to everybody else before you. Cameron, my everybody. Joke book from Bones Eye. We're moving along steadily here.

Very smooth. Does Cameron's last name stand for Cameron, my dad never was around? I wrote that for her. Oh my God, that was funny. Two for 35, Red Band. Darian Irwin is next. Darian Irwin, we're moving along. Oh, he's working, coming from the side here.

Darian Irwin. Make some noise for Darian, everybody. I caught my daughter watching incest porn. I don't want to ruin my chances by telling her she's adopted. You know what I'm saying? My daughter, she's adopted. I'll leave you guys with this. I don't think Michael Jackson touched those kids.

I think he fucked them. I'm Darian Irwin, thank you very much. Darian Irwin, coming in, showing how it's done. Wow, doing jokes, getting laughs. Absolutely incredible. Shocking at this point in this show. Quite amazing, a totally different performance than what we're used to seeing here.

Absolutely incredible. You look like an after picture for Red Band. Yeah, he's going that direction. They took me a second. I love that. Tell us, Darian, you've been up a couple of times recently. Every time you've done really, really well. What's something about your life that we don't know about?

My parents are divorced. How old were you when they divorced? 2, 3, 4, 5? 11. Alright, that's pretty young, alright. So it was your fault? Yeah. Oh my God, it was.

You the oldest sibling? I am, yeah. And how many other ones? Two? I have two, I have one other sibling, one brother and then three half siblings. Okay. I got married.

Yeah, that equals out to about two. Yeah. And you're the oldest of the bunch? I am the oldest of the bunch, yeah. Right. Yeah. My parents are divorced. I got divorced when I was 11.

My mom went crazy and left. She's somewhere and she's cool. I think she's a comedy fan, which is weird. Really? How do you know she's a comedy fan? I know, I made that up. Alright. I just hope she is.

This is my way of trying to get back into her life. Please, Mom. Love me, I'm funny. You're like, Mom, I do incest jokes. I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you if you were here. Now, most guys built like you get that way from their mother's home cooking. I got that way from eating food.

Right. I'm sorry. Right. What do you tend to, what's your guilty pleasure? Is it late at night? Is it just straight up loaves of bread? What is it exactly? Straight, yeah.

Full loaves of wonder bread. You can compress it all the way into the size of about a softball and take it with you on the go. I keep them in jacket pockets. I've got four loaves of wonder bread on me right now. If you'd like some, let me know. Amazing. I'm your fucking wonder bread man.

Amazing. He's putting on a clinic and also almost heading to one at the same time. This is incredible. Wow. So Darian, what do you do for fun here in Austin, Texas? You've lived here for how long? I've lived here about a year now. I did want to thank you for bringing me up last time.

Shut up. Ignore these people. Keep going, Darian. No, that was really cool. You brought me up. I think, you know, to reprimand me, I was selling tickets at the door and, you know, I just want to say, since that episode has come out, I mean, I've made so much money. Yeah.

People know exactly who they need to go talk to. Right. I love it. It's perfect. Thanks, man. I was in a pickle financially. Indeed. And we know you don't like greens, so the pickle is a tough position for you to be in.

If you were in a hamburger bun, you'd be much happier. Look at that. Thank you. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. The only greens that he does like. Greenbacks, baby. Oh, my goodness.

I fucking love money. You do. Now, what do you think you're going to do with that? I see you rubbing your nose a lot. I don't. Yeah. Remember Tony, he gambles a lot. Hey, be cool, dude.

Oh, yeah. You're a gambler. I am a gambler. I've actually, that's already gone. That's spent. All right. It's been accounted for. Well, doing coke at your weight is quite a gamble.

It's crazy. Yeah. It's funny, dude. All my friends love doing coke, but I can tell they don't like doing it with me. Right. They know it could go bad any moment. Well, it's hard to roll you out in front of a hospital. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't do a lot of coke. Yeah. However, he does. What the fuck? What? Hey, listen, my coke problem is my problem.

I don't need you. I don't need you. You said cake incorrectly right there. It's like, it's a cake problem. You do not have a coke problem. I want to apologize to Lino for saying he was fat. Yeah. Lino, you skinny motherfucker.

It is incredible. Yeah, it was weird. You're like Larry the Food Network guy. Thank you. Very good. You like the hat? I've been doing a hat. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I was going to say that is a very, very like plain hat. Yeah. Did you get that out of like a grabby arm machine or something? I got the hat store. I went in. This is all the hat. It doesn't really fit. No.

Nothing does. That has no bearing as to whether or not I'm wearing it, dude. Right. Okay. Darian. Yeah. What else about you? Uh, what about, what else about me?

I grew up in a religious cult, which was pretty cool. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Did you get molested? I think so. What kind of cult was it?

Was it a cult stone creamery? Oh, there it is. Backlight. Backlight. Stupid. I'm killing myself after this show tonight. Oh my goodness. That was, that was red band, red band throwing you under the ice cream truck.

Dude, what the hell? Unbelievable. Oh. They're quiet. It looks like an unregistered sex offender. Oh my goodness. Look at this. Yeah.

Yeah. You look like a registered one. You bitch. Oh my goodness. This is incredible. This is like watching it. All right. Um,

It's like a looper. That movie looper. Yeah. You know what? I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday, by the way. Thank you, man. Thank you very much. The drought is over.

Wow. Absolutely incredible, Darian. Congratulations. A fantastic performance. Thank you so much. You already have one of these big joke books, right? There he goes. Darian Irwin, everybody.

Thanks, guys. Thank you. Let's go again. Back to the bucket we go. How you guys doing out there? Are you hanging in there? Asian guy. You good?

All right. We're good. I got a thumbs up from an Asian guy. Just start. We're all good. We are all good. Yoni, don't get the, don't bother him like that.

Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Max Wissinger is next. Max Wissinger out of the bucket. All right. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. Max Wissinger.

Two for two, baby. All right. So, they say to picture your audience naked for confidence. I just picture myself naked. Have you played Settlers of Austin? It's the same thing as Settlers of Catan except all the pieces are white and the resource cards are Bitcoin, Tesla stock, I wasca and strap ons. So I drive a Mazda Miata.

And one day I'm gassing up, right? At the gas station, this dude comes up. He's wearing plaid overalls. And he says, excuse me, I'm president of the Miata Club. So I take his card. And I knew I was going to join this guy's card because, join this guy's club because after that intro, I knew this man was an expert at riding stick.

Whenever people treat me like shit, I remind myself that Jesus was literally the perfect guy. And well, we all know what happened to him. Max Wissinger, ladies and gentlemen. I swear to God, if one more child bombs up here tonight, what the fuck is happening? Are we like getting pranked or something? This is why we got to bring abortion back, you guys.

Come on, let's show them. Thank you. Max Wissinger. Oh my goodness gracious. That is, I mean, just, what did you mean for two for two baby as you're opening? This is my second week coming to the show and I've got on both times. Wow, look at you. He forgot you.

I was here last week and I don't even remember you, Max. I don't remember you either. What the fuck? Yeah, okay. So yet another bombing child here tonight. This is like a school shooting best of or addition or something. This is wild. Max, how old are you?

24. We went over this last time. Yeah, no shit, dude. People are going to ask how old you are when you look like a fucking baby. Incredible. What is your deal? What did we not find out a week ago that's interesting about you? Mr. Two for Two.

I like to make art. You like to make art? Yep. Okay, you want to explain what that means to you? Well, I do abstract art and I mix it with pictures that I've taken around the world. Wow. Rich kid. I also...

Yeah, parents totally together. True. Yep. How rich are we talking? There is no getting good at this. This isn't something where you can practice and get good. You literally need trauma. Let's ask you what's the most traumatic thing that's happened in your life?

One guy just keeps running into traffic. Literally, that's the only way to get hit by three cars. Did you have to fly commercial ones? That must have been rough. Yeah. I tore my ACL, meniscus and MCL in a skiing accident. In a skiing accident. Oh, the slopes were rough on this day.

Mama, papa. Oh, you're right here. It appears as though I have tremendously hurt myself here. I need to go back to thy suite immediately. I have torn my meniscus. Hell yeah. Perfect opportunity for some horns there. Very good.

Max, how did it go last week? How'd you feel? I actually think it was better last week. I think so, too. And I don't even remember. So that goes to show you how bad today was. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Max Wissinger? This is my second minute.

Second minute ever? Second time ever on a stage? Yes. You've never been on stage for anything before? I was in commercials as a kid. What kind of commercials? Oh, director, I say cut. Let's take it again from the top, please.

Pampers. Will someone get me a pumple boost, please? Will someone from LaCru get me a LaCroix? Some simple commercial acting here. So what did you do commercials for? Lowe's Disney Academy. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. The rich just get richer. Yeah. Wow. Lowe's? Very interesting. This was basically that commercial because you had a new Lowe's here tonight.

Thank you. What did you do in the Disney commercial? Literally opened a letter and looked in the air. Wow. They flew me first class. Wow. Look at that. That would have gotten a better reaction, honestly.

We were to go on YouTube. Can we find that commercial? What would we look for? It's called Disney. What will you celebrate? Yeah, find this. Oh, he remembers. Oh, yeah.

You know this shit's about to pop up. We're going to overlay it into the YouTube episode. This is going to be magical. Yoni, make sure you get a good close up of his face. And then this way we'll just transfer right into the... What will we celebrate? This is 13 years ago? There's a multiple.

That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. Very good. I like your honesty. Thank you for saving time. It's a classroom. It's a classroom?

13 years ago? The thumbnail is a classroom? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. Max, it's not looking good, dude. It's on there, I promise. Really? Yeah.

He watches it a lot. He knows it's on there. Well, he's looking through that. Let's talk about this trip to Austin. Where are you visiting from again? I'm from Austin and moved here in March. You're from Austin and you moved here in March? Yes.

He's got it all, everybody. He's got it all. Oh, my God. Double transplant recipient here. This is incredible. I moved from the dark lands of Westlake. Now I live in Barton Creek with the peasants. I wish they would tear down that simple mall.

I like how your shirt is of the audience when you were doing your set. It's all just frowning faces. Exactly. For those of you watching the podcast that don't have a telescope, they are frowning faces. You like that, bitch? I love it. Tell us something else interesting about your life.

What's your love life like? What's it like being a young gay man here in Austin, Texas? Careful for the monkeypox. Well, I am taking in the ass on rent. Wow, look at you. Okay, I bet that would make your father who's in your life laugh. I think I found it. Okay, we think we found it.

It is a classroom of kids. What will you celebrate? Oh, my goodness. No, no, no, no. That's not it? Come on. What are you saying? Come on.

In the classroom. You think you're supposed to know what Disney commercial? Don't you know who I am? Come on. Get a different one. Yeah. V-Max. There it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Okay, what part are you in this? Oh, my God. Is that you? Oh, my God, it is. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, there's another fly. Red Band, the fly killer. Wow.

You are a spoiled little bitch. Amazing. Did you get any, like, Disney benefits? Like, did you have, like, a password? No. No. Let me tell you how show business works. No.

Disney. Just like everyone else. Screws. No. Disney. Disney. Disney. Disney.

Disney. Disney. Disney. Disney. Disney. Disney. Disney. Disney.

Disney. No more aí unlike everyone else. And now I am noticed. I think, I'm surprised that I'll be�ware. Is that your talent? Oh, right? I do, no, I mean. I probably would be aıyorsun to that.

Anyway, some Azeris. You think everyone else screws everybody over, correct? That's amazing that they flew your first class. Yeah, yeah, I mean, just for, for somehow, that's 30 seconds. Is that your real voice? You seem like you're trying to do a deeper voice than what you have. I don't know.

A lot of people do. A lot of people want to do this radio voice. Tony, I'm gonna answer that question for you right now. Have, you tried it out? No. Yeah. I still get like $20 checks in the mail. Right.

I love that. Is that why you made us play it? Do you get money in the mail? Yeah. I hope so. Did you shove the whole $20,000 directly into your piggy bank that you have at home? So what part of Austin do you live in? I live off of the South Congress.

Okay. Okay. You ride bird scooters? No. Someone stole my bike. You have roller blades? No. But you do have some interesting mode of transportation, don't you?

Mazamiata. I had a joke about it. Right. Yeah. I already forgot about that. Oh my God. That was your joke. That felt like hours ago.

Yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. You did the voice of the guy. Oh my God. Max, how are you still on the stage? How did we let him on the stage this long? Yeah.

That's a true story. Oh no. We believe you. Max Wissinger. Congratulations on two weeks in a row. What size joke book did you get last week? I mean, does he get any smaller than that? Nope.

There he goes, everybody. Max Wissinger, everyone. We got Max, Darian, Cameron, Lino, and Theo. God damn it. I should have moved through these people faster tonight. How long have we actually been going for? I... I didn't have to say it into the microphone.

Okay. Yeah, let's just do a quick one. Let's do it. We didn't get a female up here tonight. Should I wait until I pull a woman? Huh? You guys like women at all? Sorry to Jack.

Sorry to Mike. Sorry to John. Sorry to Nat. Sorry to Colin. Sorry to Zach. What was that one? Zach, Justin, Sam. Come on, girls.

What the fuck? Marcus and Scott. Joey and Connor. Ooh, this is tough. Doug, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, every once in a while, we get a legend in our midst. This very, very young lady

made an appearance on this show many months ago and immediately became part of the Kill Tony folklore of unbelievably ridiculously over-the-top characters that we've met before. It's been a long time since she's been on the show. This is a brand new minute from the famous Miss Amy Oh, everybody. A wildfire here in the Austin Comedy Circuit.

Make some noise for the one and only Miss Amy Oh, everyone. He threw me off. He said, young. I love you, Tony. It's been a while. And Anna, you are so hot. She reminds me of last month I found out I had a tribe. I found out that I'm part of the LBGTQ thing,

but all my life I didn't know what the B meant. You know what I mean? Someone explained it to me with the B meant. I thought bisexual was you paid for sex. You buy sex, you know? But instead, it means the way I feel when I look at luscious ladies like this. You know?

I mean, it's just a natural feeling, you know? Hot. You know? And I want y'all to do this. If y'all have glasses, take them off. Take them off and look at me. No wrinkles. But we have another thing in common,

and I got to say it quickly. Because the meow. We come from the same drive. We all swam out of our daddy's balls. Let's get it for the swimming experts. We all won, or we wouldn't be here. Thank you. Thank you.

Miss Amy Oh. Wow. More insane than ever. I love it. Everybody's crazy aunt has arrived to the show. I love it. Well, sometimes he calls me his mother though, Anna. Depends on his mood.

Whoa. Anna! You're literally calling our guest by the wrong name. This is Annie Letterman. Well, that's pretty good. That's all right. At least that day. But I know she's sexy.

Miss Amy Oh, for those of you that don't know, is one of the few people that ever comes on the show that is on both Adderall and Metamucil at the same time. I don't even know what Adderall is, but I heard that I'd be bossing on it. It's like crystal meth light. Oh, wow. I never could do crystal meth because it slowed me down.

That's the weird thing about drugs. For those of you that don't know Miss Amy Oh, lives under the Congress Bridge because she is batshit. Tony Hinchcliffe never listens to his past episodes, does he? Because they'll know that I'm semi-retired, Tony. Semi-retarded, I agree. No, no, no. I'd be on more often if I was more retarded.

I'm not retarded enough, apparently. Because I haven't missed an episode in like 56 weeks. Wow, look at that. I've been in the audience and I signed up and I just got lucky tonight. But you're right. There's not enough women that come here. But every time they get up, aren't they awesome?

Oh, my God. I take it back. Too many women tonight. Too many women. Oh, please. Amy, oh. Yeah, Miss Amy Oh. So tell us what have you been doing in life lately?

Tell us what a woman like you does when you're not a... Well, I have all these things written down here because the interviews I've done before, he only finds out I was in prison for a while. Yes. And we talked about my tattoo and the dream catcher and whatnot, but I wanted to tell you a few things about me. I have plans.

Okay. You know. Are you running for governor or something? No, no, no, no, no. I'm staying in this universe because I know that my story is funny. I know my delivery is weird, but I know my intentions are there.

I mean, deep madness is not here tonight. But I know that for me, I was coming to the show to see him and then I kind of got hooked on the fact that I've learned a lot of shit. I've learned a lot of shit. Holy shit, Miss Amy. What do you have on those index cards?

Anything funny? What she just said. One of the things I wanted to tell you is that there's a lot of political stuff that gets here. And another, the fact that my husband and I own a semi and he's gone most of the time. During election year, a few years back, we unfriended each other and refriended each other eight times.

That's love. That's real fucking true love. And my parents... I'm gonna kill you. Married each other twice. No, my parents married each other twice. Not just once, but twice. But they divorced each other twice.

So I'm supposed to be a comedian. Fucking fly. So shouldn't your name be Mrs. Amy O. If you're married? You're right. There's flies flying out of Miss Amy O's pussy. We have found where the flies are coming from. It's from that deep graveyard

that is her pussy. Anyway. Miss Amy O, you are wilder than the fucking fires in California right now. You are... How old are you, Miss Amy O? Well, November I'll be 63. Okay.

But I do a joke about pronouns and I did take on a new pronoun this year because I feel like it's fair enough. And I decided it's 40 forever. Forever 40. Because in prison, I was 40. So that 22 years, I'm just cutting it off. Cutting it off.

Yeah. I'm starting over again. Don't you think I deserve to have 40 over again, everybody? Oh, my God. Miss Amy O. I'm literally going to... I'll do it with a push-up bra. I'm going to murder this woman.

We'll easily get rid of the body. No one's going to look for her. I'm just kidding. Miss Amy O can handle it. I know Miss Amy O. We know your two sons. I've met them before. Shockingly good-looking children.

Well, it's that mixed race thing, you know. Right. Right. That's right. They are mixed, aren't they? Yes, they are. Mm-hmm. I've had a lot of black in me, Tony.

Wow. Now, you work with D-madness very often. Who's not here tonight. You ever hook up with D-madness? It depends on what you call hooking up. We hook up mentally and telepathy. I don't discuss my sex life on stage. Very good.

Very good. You know what? I don't mind it. Besides, I am married. Oh, that's right. There are better ways than sex when you're my age, trust me. There are better things than sex. Because masturbation, to me, is the best, most intimate thing a person can learn how to do.

It's a favor to your best companion because it's not always their job to make you come. You should take that job yourself. Yeah. I thought you meant taking your dentures out and giving a blow job. I don't have dentures, ma'am. Considering the fact he says I'm on drugs, I have pretty nice teeth, don't you think? All right, Miss Amio, I hate you. No, you don't.

No, I'm kidding. You tell me you love me almost every week, Tony. That's true. I do. I love you, Miss Amio. I tell you I love you. I love you. I have to go.

Nice to talk to you. I love you. I love you. You are correct. It's so nice offstage that it's crazy and it's part of the reason why I have trouble sleeping at night is because I don't share my true feelings when I'm in front of people offstage. Well, have you know, I feel like this was one of my better sets. Yeah, absolutely.

And I feel like I'm going to keep coming back every week because I love what I see. I love everybody here in this room because it's our own universe. Like Han said, I was going to come up and say, I've chose one universe and it's this universe. And I love being part of this universe. But when I stopped being recognized in this building after not being on since December, I haven't been on since December, but my first episode was 512. Oh, everyone was wondering. Yes.

Yes. And I come in here and every week somebody says, I know you. And so that's better than I can do at the local bar because I don't drink if I can help it. I love it. Miss Amio, you are one of the funniest crypt keepers that we've ever had on this show. We love you. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm sorry I got your name wrong. One of the only women with the courage to sign up for the show is the great Miss Amio up here trying her best, crazier than shit, but with a good attitude and a good spirit. If I was crazy, Tony, you'd know about it by now. We know. We're here every week. Here she goes, everybody. Miss Amy.

Oh, everyone. Any given Sunday, they say. We've come to the part of the show where I get to bring up the longest standing regular in the history of the show. This young man has set every land speed record in Kiltoni history. He is more mysterious and amazing than ever. You know him as the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, the vanilla gorilla. This is William Lights Out Montgomery.

Oh, William. Word to the wise, don't have sex with Miss Amio unless you're prepared to get bombarded by text messages. This is an impression of me dragging my agent into my apartment to hear me pitch ideas. Okay, it's an animated version of Shark Tank. Hear me out. Red Band kind of liked it. Okay.

Nancy Pelosi is currently flying to Taiwan despite threats China will shoot her plane down and related news Nancy Pelosi's husband just bought a bunch of stock in a body bag company. This is an impression of me dragging my agent into my apartment to hear me pitch ideas. Okay, it's a reality show where I deliver babies. Hear me out. Most scholars have long dispelled conspiracy theories that Jesus Christ had a brother. However, archaeologists recently dug up evidence that God may have had a second son, that Jesus may have had a twin named Apex.

This is an impression of me dragging my agent into my apartment to hear me pitch ideas. Come out as queuing on to my family. Hear me out. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Thank you. The Alma Montgomery. Add it again.

Showing everybody exactly how it's done, debuting a new Apex twin joke here. I know. Did you know that's how the album was going to end up? No. I never saw that coming. I know. I tried to put some misdirection in there so you wouldn't know because I know how much you dislike the Apex twin jokes.

Well, I think you dislike the Apex twin jokes because you don't do any when you're not on Kill Tony. I know. I don't know why that is. It's because maybe they don't work as well as all your other jokes. I don't know. Because I think you would do them if they did. Yeah, well, I'm still working on it.

It's a work in progress, Tony. Indeed. Annie, hold on. Annie, aren't you into queuing on? I am, yes, yes. Yeah, I thought so. Where's the fat slob I miss? I know.

You saw me. That fucked up wasted fat fucking slob. Is that really what you would say? Yes. That fucking disgusting pig just blacked out saying nonsense. A disgusting pig. That's how you would have described me. 100%.

Okay. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. I really remember that. I don't know. I've tried to steer clear of it. I was, my limbs were starting to go numb. Annie, when I would just be standing up or sitting down and it scared me.

I think I was about to have a heart attack, so I just stopped doing cocaine. You chose life. You chose life. I chose life. You look cute. You look great. Well, thank you. What's up, buddy?

I love that. William, what else has been going on this week? Well, I didn't want to tell anybody this, but I was at a target by my house this past Wednesday and I got the itch again and I started following people. I started following people who were leaving the target. I was trying to see if they had expensive items and I would find those people with the expensive items and I would get out of my car and I would literally smash these people over the head with a little baseball bat I've been carrying around and taking their items.

So I've actually been doing a bunch of cardio work this week. I've been doing a lot of running. Do you ever do that, Annie? Do you ever hit people on the top of the head and steal their shit? Yeah. What are some of the things that you stole from people this week at Target? I stole a box fan. Super expensive box fan.

I stole somebody who had a bunch of M&M's on them. I took the M&M's. Somebody had a bunch of Skittles. I took a bunch of Skittles. I had a... Where am I going with this? Oh my goodness. Say the N word quick.

No, don't do it. Don't do it. William, tell us something else that is happening in life other than beating people over the head at Target's. Other than that, I have started to buy Adderall from Miss Amio. Literally Miss Amio, I'm sorry. She has a really great prescription. I've started buying Adderall from her.

So I spent the past two days cleaning up my apartment real good. My apartment is totally clean and I was playing a bunch of Call of Duty the past two days. Right. So nothing too exciting. That's literally what I've been doing the past two days, cleaning my fucking apartment and playing Call of Duty. Yeah, that's it. Jesus.

Speaking of duty, you famously got sober a year and a half ago. You bought a crock pot and that has changed your life. Have you been making anything in your crock pot this week that the audience might be entertained by? Yeah. If people, if you have a crock pot at home, put a couple of the big cans of SpaghettiOs in there. Get a couple of hot dogs, chop the hot dogs up really nice and fine. Put them on top of that. Add some beans.

I've been adding some maple glaze baked beans to the mixture. I've been adding some spinach leaves. I've been adding a lot of Parmesan, boxes of macaroni and cheese. I've been adding them. I've been adding bananas, which is so weird. A lot of people think it's weird putting bananas in the crock pot, but it actually makes the mixture very sweet. Wow. Very interesting.

No, it's been fun. Red Band wants the fucking, why are you looking over there like that, Red Band? I didn't tell a fucking joke about you tonight. Why are you giving me that fucking attitude? Oh, no. I have the same recipe, but I added a little sour patch kids to the crock pot at the end. Yeah. That sounds like what a faggot would do.

Oh, God. Holy shit. Holy shit. God. Thank you, William. I completely agree. So how about the gun? Where are your unlicensed guns at?

So I have two of them in the trunk of my Volvo right now. In case anybody wants to see them after the show, I will be charging people $5 to hold my gun with me in a picture. If anybody wants to meet me out back after the show, I brought two of my fucking guns here tonight in my fucking trunk. And nobody's going to tell me they don't belong there. Nobody's going to tell me that I'm not allowed to have guns just because I'm a felon. I swear to God, Obama's not going to fucking tell me I can't have my guns just because I'm a fucking felon. What did you do? What did I do?

Why are you a felon? They actually caught me a couple years ago at a Kmart. I was hitting people over the head with a little baseball bat. Yeah, it was horrible. It was a long, drawn-out trial. I got 15 years, but I got out in two for good behavior. Wow. Okay.

Good behavior. But you stopped your actions at Kmart, moved over to Target. Correct. There's a better clientele and also Kmart's closed now, sadly. Right. Okay. Yeah, Kmart's sadly closed. Did you all know that?

Did you all know Kmart's closed now? Seriously, did you all even know Kmart's not even around anymore? Have you all noticed that? Have you noticed that, Tony? Have you noticed that, Annie? Kmart's not even around anymore. Have you all even noticed that? Have you all looked up fucking Kmart on Google recently?

Nothing comes up. Kmart's fucking closed. They had a bunch of fucking stock in Kmart, and now it's worth nothing. That's one of the reasons I got the fucking guns. I was like, this is a sign of the apocalypse. My fucking Kmart stock, I had $200,000 fucking dollars in Kmart stock. It's now worth shit. Does that make you mad?

Yeah, fucking pisses me off. I literally, my grandfather died. I got $200 fucking thousand dollars. I thought it would be a good idea. Put it all in the stock market. My brother Vance was like, William, put the money in the stock market. I was like, okay, Vance, what do I put it in? He's like, put it in Kmart, and I fucking listened to him.

Even though I had done a little research and I knew Kmart wasn't doing good, but my fucking brother was like, just put all the money in Kmart, and I fucking did that, and now it's all gone, Tony. That's why I've been trying to get these sponsorships, but actually, I got a pair of Chiso's cowboy boots in his will here tonight. The owner of Chiso's cowboy, are you here tonight? Will? Will, let me be the new spokesperson for Chiso's.

That's why I fucking brought you here tonight. I thought I could fucking get corner you. Are those the boots that you got? These are the boots. There's nothing better than Chiso's brand. They actually use a very nice calf skin on the boots. And my god, I don't know if I've ever felt a harder bottom of a boot before. Isn't that what you told me to say?

Well, I've never experienced a harder bottom of a boot. Wow. Will, just think about it, okay, man? I need this. All my other sponsors are fucking leaving me. What kind of guns you got in your truck? Oh, wow, look, he's asking quite the owner of Chiso's boots has now taken over the hosting duties for the night.

He asked, what was your question? What guns you got in your truck? What types of guns do you have in your trunk? I have a Beretta X-9 and a Sig Sauer P-30. Those are two made up names. Well, I'm actually lying. I don't have two guns. I hope this doesn't mess up me being the new spokesperson.

I don't actually have guns and my fucking drug. Is that a real thing? Chiso's boots? Where's that located? Yeah, they're great here in Austin, Texas. Pull up your pant leg. Let's see what these things have. They look like rain boots.

My fucking legs are purple. Yo and a pair of Chiso's boots, go to chisos.com. Nothing better. The fucking bottoms of them are like fucking petrified wood. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Well, is that good or not? They're like petrified wood. Wow.

Still working on it. Sorry. I feel like I've done more harm than good tonight. Where's Chiso's boots located? Here in Austin. I can't remember the exact location. Oh, very good. Yeah, here in Austin.

What a great plug, William. Will doesn't even want his boot place promoted on this show. Now I'm looking back at him. He's completely embarrassed. Did he give you a deal on the boots for putting him on the guest list tonight? What type of shit's going on here? He probably didn't, so we're going to have to talk about that. No, I'm kidding.

He gave me a t-shirt and some leather balm, which was very sweet. Oh. Oh. Okay, I feel like this hasn't gone how I was expecting it tonight. I was thinking those first jokes about my impression of my agent, which I don't even have. I thought those would be hilarious. And I was obviously wrong about that.

And now I'm wondering about what's going on up here. Dear God, Annie, I promise you normally it's better than this. Annie, I promised you I recently got into mermaiding. If you ever laid eggs in a bathtub, would you let me pee on them? Yeah. You would? Yeah. Wow.

Okay, cool. I have eggs. That's how mermaids are made. That's how they're made. I have fish eggs in a bathtub and then you TT on top of them. That's how mermaids are born in case you were curious. Do you ever think about drinking again when you're up here? Yeah, some.

Seriously, like, are you ever like, this didn't go well. It's probably because I'm not drunk. What little fucking bitch ass voice just said, yeah, what little voice said that? Yeah, I was actually talking to William. So shut the fuck up, bitch. Okay. Yeah, I think about it some.

I don't think I will just because I think I would immediately probably die. I think I'd immediately jump off a bridge or something. Really? Why do you think that? I don't know. I think I'd get rolled down again and I think I'd probably find a tall building and jump off of it. So I don't think I'm going to do it again even though I want to.

So I'm just smoking a bunch of weed now. So it's been fine. Yeah, let's give it up for marijuana. Yeah. There you go. You got the crowd back on your side again. Who likes oxygen? Yeah.

Who likes plants? Oh, there it goes again. Wow. Just like one shot of Yeager. It'll be fun. Make some noise for the great and powerful William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen. They did it. Catch them on cameo and his own show, the William Montgomery show.

Guys, make some noise for tonight's guest, the great Annie Letterman everybody. Of course, check her out on Trash Tuesday. She has her own show on Spotify. She's one of the very few remaining absolutely hysterical comedy store paid regulars regularly performing there in Los Angeles. The drawing from the cray right. Wow, that was a full can of Red Bull. And that was a woman's body that it hit.

The great Annie Letterman everybody. That's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the Peterson brothers on the guitars, John Dees on the keys and Paul Deemer on the horns tonight. Rock and roll everybody. Have a good night.

Thank you so much. Thanks guys. Good night, everyone. Good night. Have a good night. Have a good night. Have a good night.