KILL TONY - #571 - JEFF ROSS

Episode Date: August 20, 2022

Jeff Ross, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/08/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.—GLD – To complete your look and get 30% off your order, visitTheGLDShop.com and enter promo code “TONY”.

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Hatscuck! Austin, you ready to do this fucking shit tonight or what, huh? Yeah, make some noise for my friend Red Band, everybody! You're at Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red

Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs on planet Earth or here in Austin, Texas. Also, Deep Eddie Vodka, the best vodka in the universe. Also from here in Texas. How many of you like vodka, huh? We love vodka here. AG1, Grand Duke Hotel, where now you can use the promo code Kill Tony and save 25% off on a Sunday or Monday night. And of course, how about a hand for the band, everybody, huh? That's the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony band, brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. An unbelievable beverage that you can take straight, mix with many things. And this is the great Paul Deemer on the horns over here.

We have John Dees on the keyboard. I didn't know there was such thing as black her face, but I guess that's a thing we're doing tonight, John. Are white guys allowed to wear that thing? Holy shit. Even D-Madness thinks the mask is creepy. That's the great D-Madness on the base guitar, everybody. The only guy that can see worse than John Dees right now is D-Madness. That's Matt Mueling on the electric guitar and

John, remind me of the drummer's name again. James Atkins. Thank you. I can actually hear Matt Mueling. Sorry, James. I forgot to write that down before the show. Look how cool his shibbles are. Look at that. That's ridiculous. Unbelievable. We've had, we've had James on before. It's incredible. Michael Gonzalez is in Europe right now, and he just got engaged. So for those of you that care about the personal lives of the band members, you're in for a treat. Michael Gonzalez.

How romantic is that? He went to the most romantic place ever. There you go. Absolutely. Romance is in the air here today. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. August 26th and 27th. I'm in San Antonio, Texas, September 8th through the 10th.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Huh? God damn it. You know what's exciting is when we moved here, there was a pandemic. Shit was crazy. We had to get the whole thing back on the goddamn tracks again. And I feel like lately we have just had an incredible momentum of getting the same quality guests that we were getting in our former home of Los Angeles, California.

This week is absolutely no different. This man, who's your guest tonight, has been one of my best friends and one of my great mentors through my entire career. We have worked together. This is his first time doing Kill Tony in a while. You know him from his Netflix special Bumping Mics with David Tell and as the Roastmaster General, ladies and gentlemen, it's Jeffrey Ross. Yes.

The Roastmaster General is in Austin, Texas. On the roast again. Yeah, I can't wait to get on Kill Tony again. Make some goddamn noise for Jeff Ross, everybody. Extending his trip to Austin for you, the Kill Tony universe. Thank you, Tony. And it's great to be here. And I love the new band, the Arctic Monkey Pox.

Wow. These guys actually have flaming lips. This band is cool. We're having fun here, the music capital of the world. That's the screwball peanut butter whiskey band, Jeff. All right, what's going on here? This is great. Yeah, we're just fucking ogre.

Just because your dad's place got raided today doesn't mean you can hide out here. This is Donald Trump's son on fucking BPC 157. Before you sit down, you just adjust the light a little bit. Yeah, it's good. Sit on your wheel, though. This guy's about to turn into a werewolf right now. This fucking guy. What a great crowd.

You got Willie Nelson's nephew is in the front row over here. I love it. How do you look like both Cheech and Chong? That is a miracle. It's a miracle. This is an incredible fuck Tony. Is that a balcony or are there homeless people living up there? I think it's probably a little bit of both.

How are you guys doing up at the balcony tonight? These podcast people, they don't even know there's a whole second floor to this shit. It's wild out here on these streets. Jeff, welcome to Austin. You've been on the show many times. You know how it works. A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds on this stage here. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that interrupts them if they go over their time. Are you guys ready to start the show? After they're set, I interview them. We find out more about them and what makes them different on this planet. And we're going to start the show with a bang tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

We've been starting the show with regulars for quite a while now. And I have decided to switch up the format. So the comedian going first tonight is the longest standing regular in the history of Kill Tony. Touring all over the country, headlining his own shows, featuring for me, featuring for Duncan Trussell. A man who we have watched grow here over many years. Make some noise for the big red machine, William Montgomery. Come on guys, make some noise for William. Alex Jones owns 40 million.

I shit, Alex Jones owes 40 million. Holy shit, that's almost $5 for every made up Holocaust victim. Yeah, that was a pretty good one. I wish it didn't fuck up the beginning part. Jeff Ross is here. You can't have Jeff Ross here, not Tim Meadarost. After all, he is the roast master. Nobody can hold Jeff Ross back. Nobody except casting agents. Okay, that was stupid. Olivia Newton-John died today. I wonder how her husband Elton is taking it.

I'm sure he's devastated. I think they were married like 40-something years. It's very sad. Environmentalists are angry that this year Taylor Swift has already taken 170 flights on her private jet. Swift claims she only took eight of the flights and the rest of the time it was loaned out to other people. Apparently the only thing loaned out more than Taylor Swift's jet is Red Band's mom. Elon Musk won't buy Twitter but has the nerve to send my girlfriend flowers on our anniversary? Yeah, no, really. Elon Musk won't buy Twitter but he sent my girlfriend flowers on our anniversary the other day. So, not really a joke. Yeah, I can't believe how silent it got in here for the admission that that, can you believe that, Jeff? Yeah, he won't fucking buy Twitter but he sends fucking Erica fucking flowers on our anniversary?

You should have sent her flowers. I know, I was thinking about it but it just, I don't know, we were in a fight and I thought I wasn't gonna say it. You know what Olivia Newton-John's last words were? What? I got chills. They're multiplying. I love it. That's good. I mean. Nailed it. Too soon, everybody? Come on.

Come on, Austin. I thought we were tough. Her body's still a little warm. William, are you done with your comedy set, by the way? You don't know how to close comedy sets. Yeah. What do you think about that, Jeff? He just brought him on board when you ran out of shit to talk about. How about a hand for William, everybody, out here? Would have been, would have been the joke of the year had you nailed that Alex Jones landing, but I know, I messed up.

You slubbed the third word that you said into the microphone, which was owns, and you meant to say owes. I know, I was horrified in my brain. I was like, this is gonna be a good opportunity for me. This is a really good joke. That's what he gets. That's what Alex Jones would say to you right now. Yeah, but it didn't work out. I fucked it up. So, sue me. All right, well, we'll see if that's actually a thing that you could do. Why the thing about Elon Musk sending your girlfriend flowers? Like, what part of that were you like, okay, I'm gonna talk about this on stage?

I don't know. I was thinking it was funny, the idea of Elon sending my girlfriend flowers. That's the setup to a joke. One anniversary. Yeah, I just stuck with the setup on that one, and obviously that was the most silent, I think I've ever fucking heard it in here. Yeah, yeah. So I'll keep that one going. I won't use that one again. Good to know. The second part of the joke is usually the part that it's important. Where people laugh.

It's an important one. Yeah, I just left it at the first part, and that was a big mistake. So fucking sue me. I made a fucking mistake. I think someone's got a new catchphrase. I do believe it appears as though sue me is something he has started saying this week. William, what else is going on? What's going on in your normal life? Catch us up. I'm actually starting a GoFundMe. I'm very excited. I'm taking a jet ski from Lake Austin to the Gulf of Mexico in a couple weeks. I think it's like a three month long journey, but yeah, I'm buying a jet ski. I'm going to take it from Lake Austin to the fucking Gulf of Mexico, people.

Oh my goodness, William, when did you come up with this idea? Yesterday. What? Have you talked with anybody about it out loud? I haven't yet. No, I was doing some preliminary research. I think it's doable. I think it's a doable task, but yeah, I'm going to... Are you going to have like a backpack on or are you going to drag like a... Yeah, backpack, a lot of sunscreen. I'm going to need a bunch of... It's because it's a fucking jet ski. I'm not going to have anywhere to hide out when it's really hot in the daytime. Yeah, it seems like most of what you would pack would be sunscreen.

A big bag of sunscreen. Maybe you thought about bringing some food along with you. Yeah, I'm thinking some granola bars. I mean, literally, it's a three month long journey. And Jeff, I was wondering, is there any way I could tempt you into coming along on that journey with me? No. But you were happy to see me when you went up. Maybe that threw you. I was very happy to see you. Instead of you having a regular set, we got to have some fun together. And I love the vibe that you're bringing. I don't know why you're sniffing the microphone.

Do you see that? The backpack confuses me. It makes me wonder what's going on all around. Like, maybe there's something else happening with you that... Do you smell that? But you have... I don't know how often they clean the microphones. Yeah, it's a special thing. He's only allowed to hold a microphone when he's on stage. He tries to do it in the green room. We don't allow it. You're holding it the way like the Pope holds a cock.

But I enjoyed your jokes. It's one minute though, right? It's one minute. So lose that stupid paper and then you just... Whatever you remember, you'll remember. And you'll have more fun and you won't mess up the reading of it. Unless you're writing it like on a little tiny thing. It's so hard when you do it. It's hard to read. Yeah, you're a natural performer. Play out to the balcony in the room and the whole vibe.

You don't want to be reading like a fucking suicide note. I know. I need to. It's been a fucking four-year struggle. It's been a four-year fucking nightmare. He used to have a serious drinking problem and that was his way of remembering the jokes. Now he's been sober for a year and a half and he has run out of excuses. William, one thing I noticed is that you're wearing a yo-plate t-shirt here tonight. I am. I'm actually really excited to announce to y'all, I got a new sponsor! Wow. Wow.

This is absolutely incredible. Yo Play Yogurt, it's a seven-year, $1.4 million fucking contract. Wow. That's what I even thought about buying the jet ski. I was like, what am I going to do with all this fucking money? I was like, okay, I need to get a jet ski. And then I was like, what am I going to do with this jet ski? And I was like, has it ever been done?

Somebody going from the Gulf of Mexico, from Lake Austin? It's never been done, people. I don't know why this fucking guy's laughing so hard. You're the only guy laughing. I appreciate it. Why is it so funny to you? Because you made a, you plugged the Gulf on me and then you said how much money you were making from your play. I sense some impropriety here. Do they have fruit on the top now? Why did they pick you?

Oh my God, red band. I don't really get that. I don't really get that seriously. Oh my goodness. Sorry man, you look like a big gay old... All right, red band, we get the joke. I'm going to cut you off there. You look like a big gay, big gay, big gay. You look like a gay, you look like a gay. So, wow, you can't believe you have a yogurt sponsorship.

Hold on, red band's the one who's fucking sucked my dick before, so I don't know what the fuck. You're talking about me being gay. Yeah, it's shit on the bottom fruit on top, I guess. Okay, more yo-plate jokes from red band that are... Not easy to digest, unlike yo-plate yogurt. William, I love you. What a great way to get tonight's show kick started. That's the great William Montgomery everybody. All right, now things get interesting.

My hand goes into the bucket and I pull out a random name. Could be somebody we're meeting for the first time. Could be the return of a local legend. Anything can happen. Your first comedian going up tonight out of the bucket, we know this young man. He's been on the show a couple of times. Make some noise for a new minute from David Centofonte, everybody. Here we go.

David Centofonte. It's been a while. He's been on the show before, though. I remember David. He's a local up-and-coming comedian, everybody. Wow, you're waking this guy up, Tony. Hell yeah, look at him. Make some noise for him. It's David Centofonte, everybody. Come on. I lost 60 pounds thanks to psychedelic mushrooms.

Who knew how badly I needed vegetables in my diet? I was tripping balls and looking at the food pyramid going, Who built this? Is it aliens that want me to have this much spaghetti? Because I'll fucking do it. I took the mushrooms back in Detroit recently. Went to the casino. Don't recommend it.

I thought I could see where the roulette ball was going to land. Nope. But then I started playing dice and dominoes. And I started having the thought that dice are just dominoes that realize they live in the third dimension. And I went and told everybody at the casino, They were like, sir, you need to leave. Thank you guys. David.

59 seconds. David Centofonte, with what out of doubt, has to be your best performance on this show. One of my favorite things about this show is sometimes someone gets pulled out of the bucket, they have a really bad set, and then you see them a couple months later, and they're a little bit better,

they go backwards, and then they're better, and that was solid the entire way through, David. That's incredible. You're doing the right thing, putting it all together. Hustling, man. And Jeff called it on your way to the stage. You're literally like rubbing goop out of your eyes. You look like you just fucking fell off a mountain or something like that.

How are you, David? How did it feel? Fucking great. I came from upstairs, so I just took a deep breath and stayed in the zone. That's it. Guys, as big as you probably takes a few deep breaths a day, huh? Well, sir. David, how long have you been doing stand-up? Going on five years.

And is Detroit where you're from? Yes. Okay. It's interesting that you said that because last night, yesterday, I did mushrooms with Detroit Danny Brown. Oh, fuck you. You guys know who that is? Friend of the show? I was an unbelievable rapper.

The last time I was on, Danny Brown was the guest. Look at that, the universe is funny like that. Ruby. I was tripping my fucking balls off yesterday, and Danny, who ate more mushrooms than me, kept insisting that I wasn't tripping. So for six hours, I'm like, completely fucking in another universe,

and Danny just kept going, you ain't even tripping, man. This motherfucker only ate a little bit of mushrooms. And I'm like, Danny, I'm fucked up. He's like part of the table, like looking at me. You ain't even fucked up. Every 10 minutes, I'd hear it, no matter where I went. I took mushrooms on tax day this year.

That was a mistake. Tax day. Yeah, like on April 15th, we were celebrating my birthday, and I like fucking totally forgot to pay my taxes, so I had to fill out turbo tax while tripping balls. Whoa. Wow.

That is not easy. Nope. That is not 1040 easy either. What form did you use? Oh, tax form jokes, no respect. Stop. It was horrible. Underdependence, did you write drugs and alcohol?

Come on, baby, come on. You could use that for your minute next week. Thank you. So what do you do for work, David? How do you make a living? I'm actually interviewing tomorrow to sell solar panels during the day. Oh, okay.

Right now, you know, I produce the best medicine comedy show that does somebody in there. Okay, there you go. You got your cheat plug in. Let me ask you this. You're going on a job interview tomorrow for solar panels. How many do you think you should try to sell us a solar panel right now?

All right. So you're at your job interview. I'm the guy. Hello, David. How are you? Hi there. I see here you do your taxes the day of. Yes.

Sell us a solar panel, David. Go right ahead. This is David Santafonte. He has a big interview tomorrow. Can I be your wife? Can I be your wife? Yeah. Honey, sometimes, you know, I heard rumors

that these solar panels, you know, they don't look nice on the roof and they could break very easily. So I don't know. Yeah, you know me. I'm a real American. I like using, I like burning fuel. So I'm not really that interested in solar panels.

Plus, like you said, babe, they're ugly. Yeah. And I want to fuck tonight. So I'm going to agree with you. What? Why do you? Why should we get these?

Well, Tony, I too am American and love to burn fossil fuels. But yeah, like all of us know, sometimes things can get crazy and that fossil fuels may be not reliable or not be available for you at the time. So if you plan now for that impending future, you know, where they are,

you think the world is ending? Well, babe, let's get out of here. This guy, don't quit your day job, sir. I mean, night job. I mean, well, good luck with the interview.

That sounds like a no problem. Thanks, yeah. Unlike solar panels, I think you had really good energy up here tonight. Obviously, you've been very productive. You've been, I love it, David.

Good jokes. Had some couple good jokes in there. Thanks, Joe. Yeah, you did good. Really rock solid from beginning then. Thank you so much. Actually, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday.

Whoa. Look who just got booked for a real show. Do you have one of these joke books? I already have one. Yeah. You have a big one? I do have a big one. There you go.

David Sentafonte. Everybody follow him at David Sentafonte. Back to the bucket we go. You see that? That's how it works. You guys having fun out there yet? Huh? Okay.

This looks like a new name. I'm excited about this. Make some noise for Roro Jose Avejo. Roro Jose Avejo. God damn it. How about one more hand for this band we got up here tonight? You can't take a moment for granted in this world.

Here he is. One more time for Roro Jose Avejo. Thank you. Thank you. Austin, Texas. USA. USA. USA.

Fuck me. America is the greatest country on earth. Don't let anyone fool you. And that's coming from a Peruvian that moved to Australia. Like, to get a green card in Australia, it took me a marriage in 14 years of my life. It was actually fun. So the girl that said, oh, my number is.

Now let's wait for that. After 14 years in Australia, I had this weird shit accent and decided, why don't I sell everything and come here to kill Tony? And I'm very glad to see Jabba the Hat upskilling. Very good. Sorry for that, my bad. Just don't do that.

Don't do that. My first time, don't do that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But yeah, America is the greatest country on earth. Like, I've been to a country that the Democrats want, which is America without the guns. That's Australia.

It sucks. Let me tell you. Thank you. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Roro Jose Avejo has arrived. Thank you. Holy shit. Thank you, sir.

Oh, my God. That was bad on every level. Let's talk about it, my friend. I know, I know. Did you think any of that was going to work? No. My God. I was drawing it today.

You got big reactions on America is the greatest country in the world and USA, USA. I thought it worked. And then the great fall began. So what's happening right now, isn't it? Huh? What's happening right now? No, no.

What? Sorry. Jesus, why are you asking any questions right now? You should be on your knees pleading for forgiveness, Roro Jose Avejo. Meanwhile, you're asking me fucking questions. What is going on? I like how you're wrapping up the court to make a noose.

Can you use it? There you go, Roro. I should. Shouldn't I? Okay. So Roro, you basically admitted to being an illegal immigrant during your set. How long have you been in America? What are you doing here?

Well, traveling by. I left Australia about a month ago. Went to Peru. Shops up cocaine. No, sorry. Weird path for a terrorist to take. But obviously you saved all your bombs for your performance here tonight. USA.

USA. USA. I never thought you guys would get behind the USA and then I was pretty disappointed because then I realized I haven't. Your accent is wacky as fuck, huh? That Australia visit got the best of you, didn't it? It did. Wow.

Incredible. So how did you end up going to Australia in the first place? Tell us about your life because your comedy sucked. I want to fish a little bit. I want to find interesting stuff about you that you could potentially talk about next time you're out in public. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. I swear I'm from Peru. Yeah, right. I was born in Peru. So I was born in Peru.

Uh-huh. Played rugby in Peru. It's a really weird sport to play in Peru. Ended up in Australia for rugby. Okay. Played for Peru for a bit. Studied at the university. Married an Australian girl.

She was good. I sucked. Uh-huh. But I continued to. And then like a miserable, miserable threesome ruined my marriage. A miserable threesome ruined your marriage? Were you in the threesome? Yeah.

But she found out about it. That's what it was miserable about. Oh my goodness. I'm sorry. Wow. I am Latino. See what I'm talking about. I'm Latino.

I'm Latino. And if you know something about Latinos and Latinas, we like to fuck. Incredible. So it's you and two dudes. And then what happened? I mean, like I was going at it and like calm, go to my phone and call my what not. So yeah, someone grew unconscious. I guess, you know, it was annoying.

Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Um, all right. So how long have you been in America? Uh, I arrived last week. Okay. So this is a true like visit. You have to go back to Australia.

I'm going back to Peru and I'm hoping to move to America. So please see if you are working eyes. Oh, well, you really gave a great advertisement on why an American girl should marry you. Uh, if you want to, if you, if you want to be cheated on by an unfunny Peruvian, uh, the market is wide open right now. We're wearing some dope as Yeezy's right there. I see that. Stolen.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Sorry. All right. What do you do for work? Convince us on why we should let you move to our country. There used to be a property developer. What?

A property developer. You're a property developer. Property developer. You should learn how to say that better if you're going to do that for a living. Oh, what do I do Tony? I'm a bar. I'm a bar. I'm a bar.

I'm a bar. I'm a bar. I'm a bar. I'm a bar. I'm a bar. I'm a bar. I'm a bar. I'm a bar.

I'm a bar. I'm a bar. Oh, shit. All right. Developing properties, huh? All right. What do you like to do for fun? Tell us something interesting about Roro Jose Avejo.

I don't know. It's just I'm from Peru. So we like to dream. A lot of Australians have cocaine habits. Did you pick one of those up there? I did too. I had it before I got there. Okay.

It was a great transfer. It was really easy. Can we skip to the three way? It was great. It was great. It was fantastic. It was four times. It was four mistakes I would make again for sure.

Like, I mean, if you're a guy and two girls do that, like, you've got to say yes. Like, if you don't, like, good on you. But, you know, I, yeah, yeah. That's one of the saddest moments we've ever had in the history of the show. I know. Sing yourself that you made the right decision. I wish to be back there, to be honest. Like, right now I'm closing my eyes and imagining the right place I was.

Just between those two girls. Like, looking at it and going like, smell so good. It's so wrong. Roro, I'm going to stop you right there. Oh, sorry. You need to bucket. Need to bucket in the news, eh? Hey.

Sorry about that. You're a wild, wild boy. So what else do you have planned for your trip to America? So I was in Miami last week. This is my third time up on stage. I've been trying this for a bit. It's clearly suck. Wait, where else have you been performing?

I did the Creek and Cave last night for a bit. I just, like, tried to do the USA bit and people responded much better than here. Wow, yeah. I'm seeing a lot of immigrants. I think this show is too famous now. Like, fucking USA, USA. USA, like, the greatest nation. We'll teach you how to say that, like, in American soon.

Here in the greatest country in the world, the USA. Yay, sorry. Roro Jose Avejo. All right, my friend. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Appreciate it. If this is, is this, like, something that you've always wanted to do stand-up comedy? Yeah, you're talking shit and doing nothing for a living, yeah.

Right. Jeff, do you have any parting words for Roro Jose Avejo? I like your attitude. I think you're going to do very well here in America. Thank you very much. I know they're immigrant, but I appreciate it. It's important to be able to take a joke and you're, you did that. Thank you.

Hell yeah. What are you giving them here, something? That's a small joke book by The Great Bones Eye. It's a leather joke book. You could take that back with you. We'll give you a small one so that it fits on your bags back to Peru. You could smuggle it back into Peru in your gaping asshole. All right, I don't know why I said that.

That wasn't very nice at all. And I don't know why I would assume his asshole's gaping, but... You're making dreams come true, Tony. It was his dream to come to your show. Yeah, absolutely. Dreams can turn to nightmares very quickly. I believe it was the great Meek Mill that once said that. I pulled a name out of the bucket.

You guys ready for more, huh? Your next comedian goes by the name of Dallas Turner. Dallas Turner. It's true. Some of these people sign up for months and months. We've had some people that... William Montgomery once signed up for a year before we pulled them out and then made them a regular, a year.

Here he is, everybody, Dallas Turner. So what do 90% of CEO billionaires and having common with Hunter Biden and my Uncle Greg? They all got shall porn on their fucking laptop. So I'm also escaping Canada, but I'm not retarded. Although I was forced to take the vaccine to cross the border, so I'm probably a little retarded now. Yeah, Canada's cool, I guess. If you're gay. So my girlfriend gave me one rule coming down here on this trip.

She said, don't put your penis inside of any vaginas, actually two rules. Don't put your penis inside any mouth either. She doesn't want a sexually transmitted disease. So I've been putting my penis in a lot of buttholes. All right, Dallas Turner. Very, very good. Hello. Hell yeah.

Hello, Tony. I believe you got your stand-up notes and your journal notes mixed up before you came here. I love it. Welcome to the show, Dallas. What part of Canada are you visiting from? Vancouver, just like wherever these... Wow, look at that. Look at that.

They're all howling at one another, everybody. The old Canadian howl. Very good. So how old are you, Dallas? I'm 26. 26 years old, and what do you do for work? Why do you look like you're on your way to a Travis Scott concert? I just came from one.

I love it. These shoes are fucked from rolling loud. What do you do for work? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh my God, you really are Canadian. Look at those things. Did you walk here from Vancouver? I was rolling loud.

How was rolling loud? It was good. I just moshed. Yeah, well, we know you didn't perform there. They didn't ask me to go on stage. Jeff, incredible. Yeah, but I am a rapper. My name's Lil God with double D's.

Lil God? Lil God with double D's, just how I like it. L-I-L. L-I-L space G-O-D-D. G-O-D-D. Yeah, double D's, yeah. Okay, double D's. You want to beat from these guys?

You guys want to hear him rap a little bit? I'll tell you. I don't know if you guys know about Canadian rappers, but there's only one of them, and it is the very romantic Drake. So here he is, making his Kill Tony debut rapping. This is Lil God. One more God that you don't want to believe in.

Who's the one that's getting trust here that'll be me? Who's the one that put me in the fucking face? I want to do this enough the damn day. I want to do this enough the day, okay? Okay, I'm staying over. Friend is over. I'm paying lower. The money's lower.

That's the shit I don't fuck with. Yeah, that's the shit I don't fuck with. I don't need your help. Thank you, bro. Wow. Lil God doing some Canadian rap for us. Wait, keep it going, keep it going. Yo, I also drum.

Yo, I seen this guy. I thought he was odd. Goes by the name of Lil God. He's on Kill Tony. He ain't no phony. He's also not funny and has weird money. Hey, to be honest, this is my first time doing stand-up comedy ever. No, we love you.

You're great. First timer, everybody. Coming up here. Thank you, bro. Much better than Roro Jose Avejo, and he's done it three times before, so. I love it. Do you know that you rap like you're mad at your parents?

I don't want to clean my fucking room. I told Red Band I was gonna fucking kill. You really sound like that. You have like a... Hey. Fucking don't want to do it anymore. You should hear my music. Really? Let's look up.

Are you on Spotify? I'm everywhere, yeah. You might be able to catch me rolling loud. Wait, what is it? Sleeping in the parking lot. Yeah. You might... If you look at like Rowe 103B,

you can catch me at a lot of festivals. I'm everywhere. I'm fucking everywhere. Look at my shoes, dude. I'm everywhere all at once. I won't hurt that guy's mom. Demandness is making fun of your shoes. That's when you know you have a problem.

Those fucking things is ugly as shit. I'm taking a picture, Tony. I'm taking a picture. Oh, my goodness. This is the ultimate. I dug these shoes out of a child's grave. Wow, very good. Oh, shit.

This is a... Wow, you're actually successful. Wait, this is like a trick. Hold on a second. This is like a trick. Stop. You have... You have like hits on Spotify.

These have a lot of clicks. Thank you, man. So you actually are like, that's very interesting. Okay. Look at you. You're actually talented. I'm here because of you, man.

I love that. Wow, that's so cool. So you've been a fan of the show for a long time. Yeah, about a year and a half, yeah. Demandness hates you. Demandness is trying to sabotage you. Without a doubt. What a fucking guy.

When Demandness decides he doesn't like somebody, god damn it, he doesn't like him. No, Deep, we all love you, Dallas. Very cool. So how long you been rapping for? This is incredible. I was a drummer of a death metal band, so I was doing lots of...

Really? My goodness. You want to do a drum solo competition? You want to do one? All right, let him go first, and then you go second. It's not exactly a Mexican drum off. This is the first ever Canadian versus African...

Usually it's a Mexican defending the throne, but a metal drummer. So we're going to see what goes on here. These guys are going to do drum solos for us. Going up first, ladies and gentlemen, this is Dallas Turner. Here we go. You guys ready for this?

Go ahead, Dallas. Just hit us with a little 30-second fucking power solo. Oh, shit. Wow. Wow, that was good. All right, well, shit just got real interesting. For those of you just listening to the podcast, you got to come see this shit live.

That was incredible. Dallas Turner, perhaps the best... The only Canadian I've ever met with rhythm before. That was great, man. This is absolutely incredible. And now defending his throne, his own drum set. One of my favorite parts of that was you could tell when he hit that one symbol that he wasn't expecting

to make that cool American sound. It's definitely James Atkins' drum set. And let's see how he uses it. This is a drum solo from the great James Atkins, everybody. Wow. James Atkins. Holy shit. Goddamn.

That was amazing. Wow. Damn. He just made you look like a bitch, dude. Hey, I will say... I'm like, this Canadian has rhythm, and then I'm reminded of what rhythm is after that. Yeah, absolutely.

Fair enough. I will say... Yeah. I've been focusing on the rap thing. I haven't really been behind it. Three years, three years. But... Look at that.

And also I'm used to the double kick. We love Canadian excuses here on Kill Tone. Hey, you killed it, bro. I absolutely killed it. We know he killed it. What do you think? Your compliments going to make it better? Trying to show respect.

Half the room just got on their feet. You're like, hey, man, you really did good. Mom and dad, I'm fucking pissed off at you. I could tell that back in your fucking punk rock days, you did that shit too, right? Like, no! I have to go! All right, Dallas Turner,

an unbelievable performance. You know what? Even though it was your first time on stage, I'm going to give you a big joke. Holy fuck, dude. Thank you. Great interview. Fun rapping.

Fun drums. Check out his music out. He's a little god. L-I-L-G-O-D-D. But here on Kill Tone, he's a Canadian boy named Dallas Turner. All right. Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Eric Cervoni. Eric Cervone. Or Cervoni. Here comes Eric. Come on, make some noise for Eric, everybody. My friend invited me to his kids' soccer game the other day. I have so little going on that I actually went.

Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be watching a kid's soccer game and have kids' soccer games? To be watching a kid's soccer game and have to answer the question, which one's yours? With none of them. I knew it was a mistake to bring the van.

My own childhood was kind of weird. My dad was a gynecologist, so I knew what a hysterectomy was before I'd ever fingered a girl. That's true. That's true. It wasn't all bad. In high school, girls would hit me up all the time,

and I'd get this late-night-you-up text. I'd text her back, hell, yeah, baby, and my parents are asleep. She'd text me back, oh, actually, could you wake them up because I'm out of vagicill and I need a new prescription like now? All right, I'll end there.

Thanks, guys. All right. Eric Cervone. Is it Cervoni or Cervone? Cervone. Cervone in the mother country, but Cervone. What's the mother country? Italy.

Right, right, right. All right. How's your drumming? How's your drumming? Not that good. I hope my jokes... I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, yeah. An interesting performance by Joe Rogan's foot.

I've been told I'm the smallest Joe Rogan nesting doll. Yeah. Okay, yep. I could see that for sure. Is your dad really a gynecologist? Yes, he is, yeah. That's cool. He must be happy that he made a pussy.

Pio, pio, pio, pio, pio. I love it. Eric, where are you from? Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh. How long have you been in Austin? About a week now. Okay.

What have you been doing for fun? Come in here. Okay. Yeah. All right. Very good. What do you do for work in Pittsburgh? I was a lawyer until recently.

Whoa, you got disbarred. I still have the bar, but I voluntarily disbarred. I'll say that. Okay. All right. What are you, Amber Heard's lawyer? Why did you voluntarily disbarred? It's a pretty miserable gig.

I mean, Craig Gerardo killed himself at the thought of just having been a lawyer. Right. Which sucks. Right. How did you not know that going in though? I always wondered. Like everyone knows lawyers and courtrooms suck. Why would you pick that?

80% of people who go to law school went because they had nothing else to do. They did well in college and it made their parents happy. I kind of hate you. No, I'm kidding. So you gave it up to pursue comedy? In a sense. Right. Yeah.

Right. What kind of lawyer were you? Corporate. Oh yeah. It's getting worse as we go down the line of questions. What do you do for fun, Eric? You seem like a guy that's into, you know, little guy things, right? You're like jumping on the bed and stuff like that.

Pillow fights? I try to make myself bigger. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for fun in real life? You go out at night. What do you do? Yeah, I go out.

I like to go to bars, drink. Yeah. Nothing crazy. What kind of bars? Ones that you can see over? It's funny, Tony. When people ask me how tall I am, I use you as a measurement. I say I'm five and a half of your front teeth.

Five and a half of my front teeth. Okay. Yeah. You are literally about five and a half of my front teeth. That actually measures out another statistically correct roast joke in which you called yourself shorter than you actually are. That's the old reverse roast right there. You know what I'm saying?

The old microwave. It comes from within. The yoga teacher did tell us today to compliment people. That is true. Maybe you're doing that without realizing. That is true. I think so. The yoga teacher's theme was to compliment people, to release oxytocin.

Tony and I went to hot yoga today. That's why we're so bursting with energy. Yeah. We're very, very zen right now. Red Band thinks yoga is gay because he's morbidly obese, everyone. Red Band's been doing frozen yoga. What's your favorite flavor? Freed on the top.

Oh, callback. Callback to a joke that barely worked earlier on. I mean, it's a yoga. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All right. Tell us something interesting about your life. You're going to change your name from Red Band to Laugh Band.

He is going that direction. This Texas cuisine. What's that Korean barbecue place you keep going to? Honey Pig, guys, right by H Mart. Amazing. Wow. For K barbecue in LA, used to be everywhere. Out here, it sucks.

It's just horrible. And they just opened up. Highly recommend it. Not sponsored. Senior Korean barbecue correspondent, Brian Red Band. Live on the scene. Eric, tell us something interesting about your life. I've given you a couple minutes to think about it over there.

Honestly, the most interesting thing is growing up with a gynecologist as a father. Right. Right. Okay. Was your mom still in the picture? She is, yeah. Okay. Wow.

Jeez, Louise. You ever smell your dad's hands? Oh, Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. Every time I try to do a serious interview, you go back there and you... Have you ever tried to smell your dad's hammer whore? You have?

He saw more of my classmates' vaginas in high school in a week than I saw in four years. Right. Yeah. We believe that. There's no doubt about that. Very, very interesting, Eric. Eric, what scares you? What are you afraid of?

Tall roller coasters? Honestly, I hate roller coasters. Really? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I never liked roller coasters. Is it just because they usually tell you you're not allowed to ride? I literally...

I would avoid them in high school because I was like, I don't want to be told that I can't. Is it high school for you or did they call it low school? I can't stop. I won't stop. Eric, what's your love life like? Pretty much non-existent at this point. Really? Are you on any dating apps or anything like that?

I am. I am. Okay. Random experiments. I figured... Hold on. Hold on. Just take a breath, Eric.

What did you lie about? Well, I figured what was holding me back was my height. Uh-huh. So I changed my height on the dating apps to be 6'2". Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're talking to a real live fucking catfish here.

This is incredible. No one's ever admitted anything like this before. Honesty goes very far here. The room is in shambles right now. The audience cannot wait to find out what happens next. Have you met girls at your supposed 6'2"? It turns out I'm just ugly so that the experiment didn't work. I didn't do any better on the app.

Did you meet any girls under the guise that you were 6'2"? Once. Oh, my God. I cannot even imagine what this is like. It's just a girl around you looking over you for a better looking guy. Excuse me, sir. Have you seen a good-looking 6'2"? Why did you choose 6'2"?

Maybe like 5'8"? Right. More believable. Why don't you split the difference, dude? Like, let's see. I'm 3'7". Let's do 6'2". I figured go all the way.

Did you meet the girl that you met that you told you were 6'2"? Where was this at? It was at a bar. Okay. And I was sitting down. Oh, that was a trick, huh? She's just like, wow, you really like phone books, huh? Did you have a booster seat?

That's what the phone book thing meant, Red Band. She stood up. She's like, this catfish is a guppy. Oh, you heard a catfish? It's a guppy puppy. Jeff Ross, you look like a catfish. Oh, my God. Eric.

Thank you. It's incredible. You're so bad at roasting, Eric. It's like shocking. Everything's sort of like a compliment. You look like you're a good swimmer, Jeff Ross. All right. Eric, it was nice to meet you.

It's fun having people of all different shapes and sizes up here. Have this little joke book, or to you, an extra, extra large joke book. There he goes. Eric Cervone, everybody. We still having fun out there, huh? Is the acid wearing off yet at all, sir? No. It's still kicking, huh?

Are we going to eat? Are we going to eat at any time? You can eat whenever you want. If you want, we could have Yoni bring down some delicious CM smokehouse at any point. Jeff Ross, one of the people famous in the show's history is being one of the during show eaters, a very short list of people. I can wait if you want me to. Whatever you want.

You want to make people hungry. Grab them a burger. You want a burger? Grab them a burger from upstairs. CM smokehouse, one of the best barbecue joints. Vinnie Rossi is next here on Kill Tony. Vinnie Rossi, is this him? Whoa, right from the front row here.

Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Vinnie, everyone. Did you guys know that men cause 6.1 million car accidents per year and women only cause 4.4 million car accidents per year? Yeah. Just another stat proving that men do more than women. No, I love women. I've got the utmost respect.

Matter of fact, I figured out why they're so bitchy when they're PMSing. Yeah, they're pussies bleeding. Once a month, man, give them a fucking break. That should be the top story on the news every night. Women across the world's vaginas continue to bleed. Government calling it an epidemic. Guys, can you imagine if our dicks bled once a month, and you had to put some dick gauze around there,

and you're at the bar with your buddy watching the game, and you start crying over an H&R block commercial. He's like, dude, what's wrong? Like, I don't know, my tits are swollen. I'm on the gauze. All right, you guys, thank you. Wow, Vinnie Rossi. Look at this guy coming in.

Hell yeah. Cheers. I love it. Look at you. You're like Jared Nathan on steroids. Funny as said, I've ever seen by the door guy at an S&M club before this. It's very exciting. It was sad that Chick fucked you over on 90-day fiance.

You know how I fucked him. But it's good. All right, well, I don't know, Tony. I like it. Vinnie, how long have you been on stand-up? Since 1973. It's close. My first open mic was in 96.

Whoa. But I never gave it my full attention. What were you doing? Why didn't you give it your full attention? I'm from Chicago. Oh, shit. Wow. Wait, the people from Vancouver again.

And yeah, I never gave it my full attention. It was just here and there once every, you know, five months. Just here and there. I never gave it my, you know. What do you mean here and there? What's there? In Chicago, the open mics. I was doing it steady for about, I don't know, maybe six months.

And then I just fucking stopped. And what were you doing for work? I was a warehouse manager. So a new Spaniacs. My uncle's a beverage manager over at the W Hotel. No, I was a warehouse manager. A what? A warehouse manager.

Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. Wow. And I just moved mispronouncing warehouse, but that's fine. It is. I agree with Jeff here. You seem like a little bit scummy to be a warehouse man.

You have the look of a scummy or guy. You seem nice. You seem like a good person. Yeah. You look like one of those guys that knows everybody. You know what I mean? Do you know everybody? You have a lot of connections.

I know a lot of people. Yeah. There it is. How did you get a front row seat here tonight? I got it. Bought it outside at the door, man. Oh, okay. It's kind of brutal sitting right there.

It's great. Bought it outside at the door? Steering at the door. Like here at this door? Yeah. You bought a ticket here? From somebody outside. There's like a scalper?

No. There was another guy that had extra tickets that somebody didn't show. Wow. How much is that guy selling tickets for? I only paid 600. Seriously. No, it was 30 bucks. 30 bucks.

That's so interesting that they're selling. Did it look like that guy right there? The door guy that's scurrying away who famously fucking tried to take door money a couple of weeks ago here? Everybody knows them now. The guy took 150 bucks at the fucking door for a table from my friends that were on the guest list who literally like, it was cool, Tony. Yeah.

They only charged me 150. I'm like, what? Son of a bitch. That's incredible. Well, who was the guy? What did he look like? What's that? He was wearing a green shirt.

Green shirt? Was it a green shirt? Big guy? Oh, okay. You're being funny again. God damn it, Vinny. What's the most Italian thing about you? Come from a big family?

Your face? I don't know. I've been told I looked Muslim, Mexican. You look like a snowman made of meatballs. Meatballs, there you go. Yeah, a meatball snowman. Three meatballs of different sizes stacked on top of one another. The old Italian snowman, the fucking, oh man.

You know what I mean? Vinny Rossi, a warehouse manager. What do you like to do for fun? Because definitely there's fucking skeletons in your closet. I'm sure of it. There's something we're missing here. I love going to concerts. You go to a lot of concerts?

A lot of concerts. I've got all my ticket stubs from every concert in a photo album. D-Madness, are you doing a separate podcast back there with Matt Muley? What the fuck is going on over there? Well, actually, I just played a song called Skeletons in the Closet by Stevie Wonder. Oh, shit. I brought it up. All right, let's hear it.

Let's hear a little Skeletons in the Closet by Stevie Wonder. Fuck. Hell yeah. I wonder what the hell you were talking about back there. God damn it. You name a Stevie Wonder song, the whole show goes off its tracks. Vinny, you have any weird superstitions or anything like that? No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No, not that.

Let's have Alex pick one. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. Oh, Steve. It's so incredible. No. No. I love it. It's incredibly incredible.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. You learned what sex is, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. There wasn't even any conversation. It was just bing, bang, boom, ooh ah! You're like, I can't believe this professional hooker didn't fall in love with this 28 year old virgin, from, I'm guessing, Maine or Boston?

Where are you from? Chicago. Chicago. Yeah, here he is, the old Chicago Cuddlefish Vine O'Rosse. Yes, sir. For 40 bucks, what were you thinking she was going to follow you back to America? Wow. No, it just wasn't what I thought.

Right. It just, it was, like I said, it was very impersonal. It seemed like it was all about the money. I thought she... Why'd you wait until... I'm being honest. This is incredible. What the fuck is going on?

Vinnie, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? Well, here's the central question. This guy's crazy. This is crazy. Here's the central question to who he is. Yeah, it's unbelievable. If you're a 28, you're a virgin and you want it to be special, you waited your whole life to 28.

Yeah, so how did you do it with a $40 hooker and answer? Dude, I thought it was going to be fucking something wild. That's like being sober your whole life and then a 35 drinking Fort Loco. That's incredible. You wanted something wild? You had 60 guilders. You had to take the fucking economy plan. Hell yeah.

Oh fuck. 28 years old, you should have saved another 20 guilders. You would have had your mind blown. You'd still be talking about it. You'd be living that life, fucking Bob the Gilder over here. Incredible. So how long are you visiting Texas for? I moved out here in, I moved out here in September.

Okay. What do you love? Anything that you love about the city? The drivers? Well, I really like the Whataburger, but after I order my burger, they just give me the burger. They don't talk to me, they don't, you know, it's just really like, I mean, they just give me the burger. It's like num, num, num.

And then it's over. I'm like, where's the connection here? You son of a bitch. Gotcha. There he goes. Vinnie Rossi, everybody. Vinnie, take a joke book. Hell yeah.

Good stuff, pal. There he goes. It's like Andrew Dice Clay with a serious brain injury or something like that. It's exciting. Thanks for the hamburger. Thanks for the snack, Tony. Yeah. We're coming around that bend, everybody.

You guys still hanging in there, huh? Make some noise for your next comedian, Ike Rafferty, everyone. Ike Rafferty. Ike Rafferty. Ooh, big pop from the comedian section. I could hear that. Here he is, everybody. Ike Rafferty.

People in glass houses shouldn't get mad when I jerk off to them sleeping. Try concrete. I don't know. There is a special place in hell for all the mentally handicapped sinners of the world. And that's good. That's inclusive as hell. I think Jimmy Fallon should be scrapped for parts and melted down into a cube. I don't even have a joke for that.

I just fucking hate that guy. I recently had to hire a Mexican day laborer to help me finish this 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle I've been stuck on. He's really good at the borders. Absolutely incredible. Hi Tony. Ike Rafferty. You've been on the show a couple times.

I was on the Fourth of July episode. Yep. That's the only other time you've been on. That's it. You are absolutely fucking hysterical. Thank you, Tony. That was incredible. Thank you, Tony.

An amazing performance. Thank you, Tony. I mean, how long have you been doing stand up? It's about five months now. Five months. Five months. I came in town just for this. I'm here for the week.

Really? Where do you live? Until Friday. I'm from Orlando. Orlando? Oh my God. Oh, that's where James Atkins is from. Oh, hell yeah.

Absolutely. That's right. What is your clothes as a sleeping bag? Oh, this. Last time I was on the show, I didn't even want to bring it up. You and some of the guests made a couple of comments about my weight. You look great now. Well, yeah.

Since I was last on, I consulted a stylist and she said that since I can't lose weight or exercise or do any of that stuff that I should dress bigger to look slimmer. I don't know. I was hoping that would work. Wow. You are hysterical. How far of a drive is it from Orlando to West Palm Beach? It's about 17, 18 hours.

Are you fucking serious? I flew this time. I flew this time. No, no, no. I'm saying to West Palm Beach, Florida. How far is Orlando to West Palm Beach? Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. We're locked. That outfit fit what he left. Yeah. It's about 17, 18 hours by walk. Sometimes I get blown by the wind, but by drive, like a couple hours or so. Couple hours. Yeah.

I'm doing shows there September 8th, 9th, and 10th at the Improv Theater in West Palm Beach. You want to open those shows? I'm getting a haircut that day. Oh, okay. Yeah. But no, yes. Yes, Tony.

Absolutely, Tony. I love it. Well, then you'll be joining the great William Montgomery September 8th, 9th, and 10th. Okay. Who should I message? I don't know. Indeed. Thank you.

We'll figure it out. Absolutely incredible. What do you do for work in Orlando, Florida? I'm currently a ghost writer and social media manager for an OnlyFans model. Wow. Okay. Incredible. People are like, why is this hot chick so unordinarily funny?

That's incredible. I love it, Ike. What else should we know about you that we didn't find out last time you were on the show? Oh, man. Anything you can think of? Any interesting fun facts about Ike Rafferty? The first time I went to a strip club, my grandma gave me money for a lap dance, and

I was taking the money out for the lap dance, and a woman approached me and said, hey, you looking to spend some money on someone? And I said, yeah, I guess. And thinking it was a lap dance. And she took me to the second floor in a side room and tried to proposition me for sex for the night. Tony. Wow.

Wait, how many guilders was this? This is incredible. This is so weird, because the last time I went to a strip club, your grandma did. Oh. She didn't charge me for a lap dance. She's a very gracious woman. Awesome. Beautiful.

Beautiful. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. She said very good things about you, sir. She's cool, man. When they played that song at the strip club, did you get hard at the part where they say cherry pie? I just wish, you know, like a DJ or someone would edit that on a loop, maybe Young God

or whatever the hell? Young God, wherever you are. Can you just edit cherry pie on a loop for me? I'll thank you later. You are a fucking living legend. We have to figure out a way to get you the fuck out of Orlando and in a place where comedy is real. I am very open to it.

We have to figure it out. And if you're here all week, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, that was an appearance by Iqrafferty, everyone. There he goes.

All that. Look at that. Iq, do you have one of these already? You have one. Yep. God damn right. There he goes. Iqrafferty.

Wow. Getting a hug from a random Canadian woman. That's Canadians for you people. Get over here. Oh, that was so good. We haven't had a, we haven't had a female on stage tonight. Should I pull names until we get a lady out of here? All right.

Let's see what happens. Not Chris. Not Nate. Okay. Here's one. Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night. This is Maggie Mayfield, everyone. Maggie Mayfield.

Here she comes, everybody. Make some noise one more time for your final bucket pull of the night, Maggie Mayfield. You guys remember when the internet was fun? Right? Because now everyone's just like, science is real. We know. Okay, we know. I'm just one way to argue about really important things like guns and stick with me, Texas.

All right. This is what I like to do when people say, when they argue about guns, I like to replace the word gun with penis because it's a far funnier conversation, right? Like on one side, you got people that are like, don't take away my penis and the other side, they're like, we need more penis control, but like guns and penises are the same thing you guys. Everyone with that one is terrified of them. And then everyone with one, they just want you to see it.

Ladies, I feel like I've seen so many guns in my life at this point, like unless it's a 45 or a bigger, don't bother. Thank you. That's my turn. Wow. Exactly a minute. Maggie Mayfield. Welcome to the show.

You've been on before, right? Yes. Heck yeah. You have improv troop energies. You know that? Thank you. All right. Maggie, how long have you been doing stand up?

Almost eight years. Almost eight years. All of it here in Austin? No. Where were you? I started in Champaign, Illinois. And then. Okay.

Wow. Look at that. Somebody's drinking champagne back there and is a really big fan. And then in LA for four and a half, five years. Wow. Los Angeles. How did that go for you? I got out.

Right. You live here now. Yeah. How long have you lived here? Like a year and a half. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a voiceover actor.

Really? I do romance audio books. Oh, that's right. I did know this. Last time I had you read an example of your work. Do another one. No, can we not? You don't like doing it?

I mean, I did one today and I had to take a long break and I'm tired. Really? It's a lot. Oh, yeah. It's a lot. Everyone's disappointed. I'm sorry. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, like how many times do you really want to hear a woman fake an orgasm, you guys? All the time. All the time. USA. USA. USA.

USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. Agent, that's strange. Maggie Mayfield.

What do you do for fun? What type of extra career activities do you like to do? You seem like the kind of lady that likes to say you did pilates. Now, what do you do for fun? I'm a musical talent. I do comedy with a guitar. Get the fuck out of here, really? Wow.

One of the Canadians just passed out up there. You do comedy with a guitar? Oh, that never goes well. You want to try it? Really? You do? All right. Matt, you're going to let her borrow that?

The great Matt Mueling being a very, very good help. It's not normal that you let... Oh, there you go. The guitar refuses, however. That's okay. That's all right. We don't have to. We don't have to.

You're ready for this so you don't have to do it, you know? No, this is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. Are you kidding me? All right. I can play guitar all day. Listen, I'm boring. I don't do anything. Boys break up.

I'm like the comedy Taylor Swift. That's what I feel like. I just write songs and I think I'm funny and... Oh, shit. He's like, no. Oh, D-Madness taking a stand against Taylor Swift. I know. Listen, she sells millions of records.

I want that kind of... I'm ready to sell out, you guys. I want that kind of... Well, we're about to find out exactly why you're not selling out. Unfortunately, we might have a guitar problem, I think. That's all right. The guitar is acting cray. Really?

Matt's such an ego maniac. He doesn't want to get... Do you want me to go back there? Should I go back there? Oh, he fixed it. Because he's amazing. Don't look at me like that. Matt, you're going to give her the guitar you psychopath?

Matt's one of these unbelievable musicians that literally... He only does music. Matt doesn't know how to... Oh, shit. Maggie Mayfield. Oh, my goodness. I'm just going to start this joke song and you follow along. All right.

Okay, I'll stop you. I'll stop you. No, no, no, no. No. Here she is singing a comedy song. This is Maggie Mayfield, everyone. All right. Listen, during the pandemic, you guys, we were all online a lot.

I was searching for the dark web, which I'm still secretly hoping is where all the black guys hang out. Thank you. But on the way there, I found that a lot of people just put sentences online and they called the fucking truth. So I wrote a song about it and you guys are smart and I think you'll get it. So here we go. This is the conspiracy theory song, hard to know which ones are wrong.

Each new one tries to raise the bar. There's so many. Here they are. All right. So what I want you guys to do is if you recognize any of these sentences, go ahead, raise your hand, look around the room and we're going to make some fucking friends tonight. Cool? All right.

Here we go. Bigfoot runs around outside area 51 is on my mind. Tom Brady deflates footballs. The moon landing. Yeah. Didn't happen at all. Fuck yeah. You guys are a bunch of weirdos on the internet.

Why can't I hear myself? All right. There we go. That's good. We're good. We're good. Yep. Chemtrails hang out in the sky.

QAnon is just a really nice guy. 9-11 was premeditated Elvis Presley. He ain't dead. Hell yeah. You guys are still with me. Fuck yeah. I did this song for America's Got Talent as an audition and I am still perplexed as to why they didn't call me back.

I have more. No, that's good. That's good. I can guess the rest. Sounded good. Sounded good. May I recommend hiring I-Grapherty to go straight for you? Punch it up a little bit.

You know what I mean? I'm just kidding. That was adorable. Maggie Mayfield. That's what you wanted at a comedy show. Adorable. I'll take it. I'll take it.

I'll take it. Right. And you said you auditioned for America's Not Talent? Yes. And they did not call me and it's fine. It's fine. We're fine. No, that's fine.

I did get booked on a TV show that we're going to start filming though at the end of September. Really? Yes. What's it called? Real Housewives of Unfunny? I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. We all live here in Austin.

No, it's called... I don't know. I can say it yet. It's okay. Don't say it yet. Yeah, I can't say it yet. Don't say it. Maggie, thank you so much.

Great performance. There she goes. Maggie Mayfield. You already have a joke book, Maggie? You've been on before. You never got one? There you go. Maggie Mayfield, everybody.

All right. If you remember correctly, we flipped the script earlier. William Montgomery went first, which can only mean one thing. This final comedian of the night is your final regular of the show. This is your final comedian of the show. I just spent the entire weekend performing in the Chicago theater in front of thousands of people four times with this guy. This is the one and the only Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim. Howdy, y'all. I'm a cowboy. It's good to be here with you tough steers and queers. I think if I have a son, I would want him to be gay, because then he'll fuck. I don't want him to have the sex life of a straight dude, that's gay. Yeah. Gay people fuck.

Gay people were fucking during the AIDS epidemic. My girlfriend won't fuck me if I have a cold. It's just a whole other level out there. Thank you. Wow. Hans Kim with a brand new minute of stand-up comedy, a full-time working comedian. This is the first time we've seen you in this cowboy get-up before. This is very, you started spending some of that Rogan money, huh?

Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe. It's incredible. How do you look like every character of Indiana Jones mushed together? You feel like you're stepping on fucking cookie. That is incredible, Hans. What else have you been doing cowboy style? What else do we have out there?

I've been out here trying to rope some whores. Oh my goodness. Wow. I went swimming with one. Yeah? Yeah, down by the old watering hole. Wow, you're really committed to this. I love it.

This is good. What were you doing by the watering hole? Just getting some water? Yeah, just touching each other. Oh, wow. Switched to honest there. What kind of touching? Some like grazing.

Oh, there you go. Very, very interesting. All right. And were you dressed like a cowboy when you were doing that? No, I was in my swimming trunks. Oh, yeah. They said it like a cowboy. I don't know if you guys are my swim trunks.

I don't know what cowboy is called swimwear. Right. Did you have your goggles? Yes. Yeah. Those of you that haven't been paying attention, Hans carries swim goggles with him everywhere just in case. Yeah.

Do you know any swimmers that don't wear goggles? Every swimmer who's worth the salt wears a goggle. One of the most Asian things you could do is carry goggles on you just in case you go swimming. Like white people, we just don't open our eyes under the water. You would almost think that would be easier for your people not to do, but oh, no, I did it again. Oh, I did it again.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Hans, I might need you to defend me. What else is going on, Hans? You're in Chicago all weekend? Yeah. Chicago. Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. I want to hear about that, Hans. What's it like to be in those big arenas with Tony and Joe? It's like a dream come true. It's like a lot of people, a lot of pressure. It's like you're surfing. I'm surfing the... Wait, wait, show us your surfing impression again.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I have no control over this. There he is, the surfing Asian cowboy. Oh, my goodness. Hell, yeah. Whoa.

Look at that. This is what he was doing at the fucking watering hole. Incredible. Incredible. Fun fact for those of you that want an update on some of Hans' antics this past weekend, you tried to steal people's food on the jet to Chicago. I tried to steal young Jamie's tacos and Radio Raheem's pie. You did.

You tried to steal stuff while I was simultaneously telling the plane that you were taking a long time to prepare your food in the galley, I guess we'll call it. You called me accident prone. I did. I called him accident prone and then he came back with a plate of food and then he sat down and I literally sat out loud. I go, well, that went strangely smoother than anything he ever does goes and everybody had a giggle and then Jamie from the back of the jet goes, are those my tacos and Hans

artistically replies, yes, to which Joe says, the fuck you steal his tacos for. And Hans said, I thought we could mix and match. So he had his steak, he cut a quarter of his steak off and left it in the galley and took the majority of Jamie's tacos, put them on top of his steak, by the way, on the plate and then we found out without him admitting anything, someone goes, wait, is that my pie? To which Hans artistically replies, yes. To which Joe Rogan then goes, the fuck you steal his pie for. You guys are wondering what airplane, we're laughing the whole time because Hans is literally

the entertainment of these trips that we go on because you're constantly doing fucked up shit. It's unbelievable. He's like running late to everything always. He's the only one that doesn't have his shit together. It doesn't make much sense, but it works out. I was homeless a year ago. He was homeless a year ago and now I look at you, now look at him starting to make sense

why he was homeless a year ago, right? Well, I didn't order anything on the plane, usually they make us order, I didn't put in an order. Your order is always already in, you know this, what is it? Medium rare steak. Is it just any steak? Prime rib. Ribbon?

It's not prime rib, fucking Hans. You literally eat it once a week, you don't know what it's called? I don't, it's just we always eat meat, we eat so much meat. Does all meat the same to you people? Yeah. It's funny, you can't say, you can't say you people anymore. I eat meat, medium rare meat. All right, Hans, anything else, any closing remarks, anything else exciting going on in

your life you want to share with the people? I had a good time in Chicago, you know, I posted a racy picture on Instagram. I posted a picture of me and my underwear with a caption, the rooms in the Ritz Carlton are really nice. Hashtag. Hashtag me so horny. Any bites, any bite, any takers? Yeah, there was one taker, she had a boyfriend, but.

Wait, what do you mean she was a taker? She was like, I'm in Chicago. And I was like. Oh my gosh. And then what, you just go, where? Did you ask her for a Hans job? No, I think she just wanted to talk with me. All right, Hans, well you look fantastic, where did you get your get up from?

This is all new. Gomez. Check it out. Gomez Ranch, where? It's for Mexicans. Absolutely. Mexicans and Asians love each other, I don't know if you guys know that. They share a love of rice, so.

Checks out. Hans, we love you back to the ranch you go. Hans Kim, everybody. There he goes. We did it. That's another episode of Kill Tony. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is incredible, all the way from Los Angeles.

Guys, how loud can this place get for my guests? The incomparable Jeff Ross, everybody. RoastmasterGeneral.com, check him out, he's on tour with the great David Tell, bumping mics, has some big stuff in Europe going on. And of course, his podcast, available everywhere. Go to RoastmasterGeneral.com, come see me live, my act is really good right now. Yep, one of the best live performers in the goddamn world. Tony, Tony, not only, I love the vibe here at the Vulcan and the crowd was great, but

this is the best group of people out of the hat I've ever seen in a video. Yeah, I like that, fuck yeah. Austin's got something fun in the air, there's some magic going on here. I'm so grateful for you, thank you so much for extending, we have about one more time for Jeff Ross, huh? Thank you. And how about one more time for the Kill Tony band, brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey, James Atkins on the drums defending his throne tonight, the great Paul

Deemer on the horns, John Dees on the keys, the great D-Madness on the bass guitar, and Matt Mueling on the electric red band. Love you guys. Thank you guys everybody, good night everyone.