KILL TONY - #572 - IAN FIDANCE + THAI RIVERA

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

Ian Fidance, Thai Rivera, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/15/2022

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redmond, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it up for Tony! You guys ready to fuck some shit up tonight? Yippee! Make some noise for Redban, everybody. Hey, everybody! Co-creator of the Joe Rogan Experience, my co-host here for a very long time.

You are at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Are you guys happy to be here with the fuck's up? I'll tell you by the yellow rose and the red rose, the two best strip clubs in the world, found here in Austin, Texas. You know what else is from Austin? Deep Eddie Vodka, proud sponsor of Kill Tony. If you're drinking vodka, drink Deep Eddie Vodka. Austin Zone.

And how about a hand for the band, huh? Am I right? What the fuck? These guys are real professional musicians. That's the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. Make some noise for Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Deese on the keys. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar.

And the great D Madness right behind me on the bass. Very, very exciting stuff. Amazing, amazing times ahead of us. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian. And I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again.

August 26th and 27th, I'm in San Antonio, Texas. September 8th through the 10th, I'm back at West Palm Beach, Florida. September 29th through October 1st, Nashville, Tennessee. October 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. October 14th and 15th, I am in Boston, Massachusetts. November 4th and 5th, New York, New York. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas.

And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what, huh? You guys are in for such a treat. Our two guests tonight, our two guests, it is both of their first times as guests on the show. Two of my favorite comedians, two people that I've waited a long time to have as guests on this show. Make some noise for the great Ian Fidenc and Ty Rivera, everybody! Yeah!

Guys, make some fucking noise! That's Ian, that's Ty. Yeah! Oh my goodness, two of my favorites, two people that I absolutely love. Welcome to the show, guys. How are you? Thanks for having me, Tony. I'm excited, man. I'm pumped to have you, Ian, famously from New York, the Be an Ian podcast, and by guys with a joke assassin, Zac Amico, who we always have a lot of fun with on the show.

He's the best. So I'm pumped to have you. Yeah, yeah, I'm excited, man. Austin's great. You can smoke indoors, have guns, and it reminds me in New York that it's being overrun by homeless. That's right. I'm very excited. That's right, we do. We have a lot of guns here. Ty Rivera is here. Hi, Ty.

Hello, Tony. Ty and I have been doing stand-up comedy together for over 15 years. That is correct. He was there when I started. He was one of the best on the fucking, on the circuit. And look, look at that. Thank you, sir. I'm stressed tonight. I locked myself out of Tim Dillon's house. Oh, shit. Yeah, so I'm coming down from that.

Oh my God, hit that, that castle out in a, yeah. Yup, that's the one. Wow. I'm in the slaves quarters. Yeah. Is that the dungeon he has? Does he have a dungeon? Yeah. He has a little back house where he keeps the Mexicans.

Yeah. He's like, go sleep on that sex swing, Ty. I won't bother you. He can afford better whores. Yeah, he can. Tim is making it. His Netflix special comes out tomorrow night, by the way, everybody. Tim Dillon. Yeah.

Ty Rivera has the unbothered podcast with Ty Rivera, and it is both of your first times on the show. So let me give you a rundown. A bunch of comedians signed up before the show to get the chance to perform 60 seconds on the stage. If I pull their name out, they perform 60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up comedy. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

You guys ready to start this show or what? Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Look at this fucking audience in front of us tonight. It's an old-ass crowd. Oh, shit. Look at this guy fucking coming in on testosterone.

Wow. Look at that. He is one color tonight. That red hat blends right in. Oh, my God. You're from New York. Look, he looks like a constipated Aaron Berg. Look at this guy in the Texas Rangers hat.

That is incredible. Holy shit. He looks like he owns every gym in Staten Island. Why are you so red? What the fuck? You fall asleep on your buddy's jet ski or something? What the hell is going on over here? Shrooms.

Shrooms. That's what happens. Welcome to Austin, pussy. All right, we're going to have fun here tonight. We're going to start it with one of our elite regulars on the show. This is a guy that has the horrible, horrible job of having to write and perform a brand new minute every single week when he's not doing arenas and theaters all around the country

with me and Joe Rogan. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the great Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

What's up? It's good to be here. I love hanging out with white people. White people are crazy. I saw in this one, he was like, Jeff, you will cost $6 a gallon. It takes 300 gallons to get to Dallas. I was like, oh, so $1,800? He was like, well, we'll never know.

My brain is purely for frivolities. But I love the whites. I love how white supremacists always have to get tattoos about their white supremacy. I didn't realize how much white supremacy had in common with the Tasmanian devil. But I love seeing a white supremacist tattoo. It's like their skin is saying, don't forget, I'm the best. Don't forget to be racist today. Like, shouldn't it come from the heart?

But hopefully that's my time. Thank you. Wow, Hans Kim. Hell yeah. Look at the smile on this boy's face. He's literally happy to be here. How are you, Hans? I'm amazing, Tony.

Tell us more about why you're so amazing. I spent another amazing weekend with my comedy heroes. You guys made fun of me a lot, but I know it was out of love. Yeah, it was. A lot. We made fun of you a lot. Tell us some of the highlights of what we made fun of you about. You bullied me into getting a haircut.

That's true. Oh, like a professional haircut? Not one that he does? Yeah, exactly. One of his fucking hoes that he has come down, gets him a free haircut. Isn't that true? So that these growners in the audience tell them, confess. I have a lot of hoes.

They serve me. You're talking about the haircut, but you're completely skipping the fact that you stole more food on the plane from people around you. Yeah. French, he had a full order. He gets an opportunity to eat a meal that he doesn't have to pay for. He gorges himself like you've never seen. It's unbelievable.

He has like that hot dog eating gene in him or something like that. You know what I mean? Kobayashi blood runs through him. So what else, Hans? I just thought it was funny because you were like recording a special and your hair looks like dog shit. Like, yeah, you were like. Well, now that you have a haircut, the joke doesn't work, Hans.

Well, then you were like, even the bodyguard has better haircuts than you do. Yes. And everybody laughed because it was blatantly true. Again, you can't roast yourself after the fact. Like the jokes aren't working because you got a haircut. You should be saying thank you, Tony. Yeah, I say that a lot. Okay, well, there you go.

It's good. You're goddamn right you do. Crazy, you keep saying that and you keep getting work. That's unbelievable how that works in show business. That's amazing. What else is going on in life, Hans? I have been using a lot of money. What have you been using it for?

I spent $424 flying the Florida waitress out here. Whoa. Damn. Is she here right now? No, next week. Oh my goodness. Is it Tallahassee? No, Naples, which is even worse.

Oh, yes. Yes. Normally when a guy proudly flies a woman out here from Naples, it's Italy, but not you. Taking shortcuts in life. Flew a girl out from Paris, Tony, Paris, France. I don't know, Paris, Texas. Fuck, I fucked that up.

So she's not here now? When is she coming? No, next week. Oh my goodness. She's beautiful. What do we have? She is beautiful? Yeah.

What do we have to look forward to with this girl? What's some interesting things about her so that we're forewarned? She's good at blowjobs. She's good at blowjobs? You have to be to get out of Naples. It doesn't take much to be good at blowjobs when you're blowing Asians, though.

Now, it has begun. Sweet, sweet momentum. Fuck yes. So true. He would know. Smaller penises on Asians is a thing. Absolutely incredible. We're designed for pleasure.

All those... Wow, incredible. Now, Hans, you famously don't like blowjobs. We've talked about this before. What? I know. It's very, very bizarre. Yeah, I famously don't like blowjobs.

This is true. Oh, D-Madness. D-Madness. I tried to fist bump the blind guy. Whoops. We have to make a compilation reel of guests trying to fist bump D-Madness. It's a real thing.

It's a real thing. Sometimes he fist bumps back. That's the scary part. I'm like, wait a second. What? How does he know? It is. It gets scary sometimes.

Wait, why don't you like blowjobs? Because I feel like women treat the penis like it's a vagina. They, like, start licking it. It's like, I don't like it getting low. What the fuck else are they supposed to do? You have girls that just lick yours. They don't do the enclosing over-the-top

classic blowjob that we all picture. When we picture blowjob, they treat your penis more like a clit. Yeah. I think that's more of a you thing. Yeah. Maybe they think they're hooking up with a hot Asian lesbian.

They're like, all right, there's a lot of pussy to work with here, but... You're the hottest Asian truth. The hottest Asian trans man I've ever seen. Yeah. Instead of saying you have a small dick, you should just say you have a big pussy.

Yeah. Got a big old fatty down there. Yeah. Those sweet, sweet, ball-shaped meat curtains of yours. Have you ever made a girl puke on your dick, or was it just like a little burp, or... What the fuck, Red Band?

What the fuck is wrong with you? Red Band. What is wrong with you? Oh, my God. You're doing here, doing comedy, and you're trying to gross everybody out. No, you can't. This is a professional show.

No, you can't. Red Band. You can't puke on a tic-tac. Come on, man. Unbelievable that you would ask something. But seriously, though, have you ever, yeah, has anyone ever puked on your penis?

No. Has anyone ever just disgusted? Or does she just use it to pick between our teeth? That's probably true. We can confirm that. Ty's getting horny. What? Ty's getting horny.

Oh, shit. Look at that. Absolutely. I don't think you're his type. I get the feeling that, well, maybe I'm wrong. I don't want to assume. No, the white supremacist he jokes about

is who likes my type. Oh, shit. Look at that. Wow. He likes being punished. I didn't understand a lot of the jokes that you did to me. Did you say the word provalities at one point?

Provalities. Provalities. And what's your plan with that word in the comedy world? Get her done. Say hi, Chris. Is that red band is a good point? Is this your new get her done?

You're going to just drop provalities after a big punchline? Provalities. Yeah. Yeah, it was an experiment. There you go. Euations in new experiments. I'm telling you, we've seen this before.

Okie dokie. I guess we haven't. All right. Anyway. Edit, edit, hard edit there. And action. Hans with great performance. Oh, shit.

Hans, we absolutely love you. It's an amazing new minute. It is such, such, such a challenge to come out and start a comedy show with a new minute every week. Hans is the fucking man. Working. Regularly.

All around the country. Absolutely continuously. Probably one of the most working comedians right now. There he goes. Just getting tonight started for us. One more time for Hans Kemp. And to the bucket we go

for the first time tonight. This could be somebody's first time ever on stage. It could be a new legend in the making. All the people, all of these regulars, everybody ever was at one point

just a name pulled out of the bucket. So anything can happen. This is a minute of stand-up comedy from Luke Moore, everyone. Luke Moore is first. Out of the bucket. Here on Kill Tony. Live in Austin, Texas.

No real movement yet. There's a lot of people back there. Luke Moore. We got movement. Somebody coming. Oh, here we go. Oh, here he comes. Whoa.

The hair is flowing. What's up, y'all? I'm from West Texas. My mother is a tumbleweed. My father a cactus. That's how they met, actually. Wind. Okay.

Yeah, where I'm from, you're either book smart or dirt road smart. I'm dirt road smart. I love dirt. Yeah, like, you know, being in the big city, I got to watch, like, how it talked me from West Texas. Like, I learned the hard way

that if you say the word queer with a Texan accent, it becomes offensive again. Like, people don't want to hear, choir? What are you, choir? What are you, a bunch of choirs? Yeah.

This is not my intention. I want to be friends with everybody. LGBTQ plus size models. I'm not... Okay, thank you. All right, Luke Moore. Very interesting. This is your first time on this show, right?

Yes, yeah. You look like you should be funnier. You got to... It looks like he was in Leonard Skinnerd, and, like, Leonard Skinnerd, his act died up there. He looks like Tiny Tim's kid sister. Tiny Tanya.

You were out of breath, Luke, through that entire performance. Have you ever thought about not sprinting and jumping on the stage at full pace? You ever think about taking your time and trying to execute a little bit more? Do you think it's like a fear factor-style race?

I was fucking excited. What took you so long to get up here? Yeah, it is incredible. Which intersection in town did you come from? Yeah. Because we waited a long time, and then all of a sudden, the guy, full blasted.

Did you have to zip up your tent before you got here? Well, thank you for waiting. Indeed. You didn't have a choice. I was next door. I was just, like, lollygagging. I was drinking a whiskey Coke, and, like...

Oh, wow, look at you. What a tough guy. Yeah. Luke, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Ten years. No, come on. Really? Since I was 17, yeah.

Wow. Now you're 27. I am. Okay, incredible. What, uh... What are some highlights of your ten years in the business of stand-up comedy? Not this.

Yeah. That is true. You cannot count this. You should play the whole theme song when he walks off stage. Oh, he just... I mean, nothing impressive. Just, like, enjoying...

I lived in San Francisco for a little bit. That explains it. Why San Francisco? What made you move from West Texas to San Francisco? Literally, the polar opposite. I just thought, like, I would learn to be cool there. Oh, wow.

How'd that... How'd that go for you? How do you feel like that went for you, Luke? I feel like they didn't think I was cool. Right. Time to try a new town. Yeah. So how long have you lived in Austin?

I feel like that's what Austin is for. Is for what? Is for, like, when no one likes you. Nope. Nope. Nope. Jesus. Just move somewhere else. Nope. You couldn't be more wrong about that.

Totally the opposite, actually. A lot of people that are really, really like to move here from cities that used to be famously the hubs of, uh... I think you could be fun. Just be more confident in your act, you know? Dishy energy that you took jumping on here into being better.

Right. I'll try to be better at comedy. It'd be so funny if, like, 10 years in one week and he just started being hilarious. Because of that, he's like, once I stopped jumping on this stage, I fucking started destroying. I love it.

You're like a Gallagher that's just, instead of smashing watermelons, you're just rough on your own knees. Luke, 10 years in the game, I gotta know. Give us your best, like, quick one-liner or, like, one quick joke. 10 years, I have to know for the life of me, I have to know

what your best joke ever is. I'm gonna give you one shot here to do it right now. So, I was at HEB today, and I was looking at their... I was looking at their hot dogs. They have, uh... kosher meat hot dogs.

They're called Hebrew Nationals. I was gonna get some, but I went with the knockoff brand, and Frank's. Oh, no. No, that's not your best joke. That's not your best joke. That was the best in 10 years.

Yeah, that's like... Weird Al just ate it. Wow, look at that. Red Band putting it together. Look at this guy sitting side-by-side the master for nine and a half years is starting to rub off finally on you a little bit. It's food poisoning.

Luke, tell us something interesting about your life. How do you make money? I just drive. Like, I deliver car parts. Did something happen to you? Did you, like, see something when you were a child or something? Like, what type of trauma is going on here?

Because, again, you look like you should be so interesting, but then you open your fucking mouth, and we find out... Did anything cool happen in San Francisco? Um... Of course not. Of course not this fucking guy.

I went to Kill Tony one time in San Francisco. Oh, okay. One of the famous Kill Tony Mania episodes, I'm sure, right? Where'd you run from that time? Okay, so, uh... Luke, what do you do for fun? Like, when you go out at night, you're drinking whiskey and coax next door.

So cool. What else? Well, I don't know. I like karaoke. I like watching sports. I'm like, I'm pretty boring. I'm just like a, you know, a normal guy, I guess. I don't know, I like sports.

I like, uh... You know. Uh-huh. I like Kill Tony. Okay, that's not gonna save you, dude. So fucking answering with my show is your answer. But do you like Zip Recruiter? All right.

Red Band. God damn it. Use the promo code Kill Tony in 15 minutes. Anyway, uh... Luke Moore. I gotta figure this out. I mean, god damn it. I'm like Luke Less.

Just, you're great. Just be confident. Tell us something with confidence. Like, no, um, or, uh, like, what's a joke? You got locked and loaded. Yeah, you started to do that Hebrew national joke, and people started sort of giggling at it, like, threw you off.

You're like, what is that unrecognized sound? What is ha-ha-ha? They're heckling me. They all are saying the same thing. Ha-ha. I don't know. I've never had this. Ten years in the game.

I do. For the life of me, I don't know what that sound means. These booze. Sound different. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Who's your comedy idol as a cruise ship? Ha-ha-ha. Red Band. Red Band snorted some Adderall tonight before the show.

Red Band! Woo! I mean, holy shit. You ever have brain damage of any kind? Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Are you high? Not high. Ha-ha. Well, lie next time. Have you ever been diagnosed with anything?

Undiagnosed across the board. Okay. All right. Do you have any semi-automatic weapons on you right now? I'm not much of a gunman. Good. Good. Thank God for that.

What about a girlfriend? Do you have a girlfriend? No. When's the last time you were intimate with a woman? Probably like five months ago. Five months ago? Okay. Probably like sometime this year, like in March or something.

All right. And where did you find this girl? You woke up and she was already tied up in your bed? I don't know how she got there, Tony. It was Hinge. What? The dating app Hinge. Okay.

Do you have anything on Hinge? Like dating stuff, huh? Imagine that bio. Me like sports. Yeah. Kill Tony. Yeah. Yeah.

Running at fast paces. All right. Wow. I love running and jumping. What? I love running and jumping. Oh my God. Luke, you tried your best.

10 years in the fucking game. My mind is completely blown. I was always scared that when I go and kill Tony, you would ask me that. And I'd say 10 years and then y'all would play the piano music. Yeah, yeah. Well, today your dreams came true, everybody. That's what we do here on Kill Tony. Take one of those.

That's a small joke book by the great Bones Eye. A little souvenir for you to keep for yourself. Real Texas leather. By the great Adrian Cavazos. No, no, no. He manifested that. All right. Back to the bucket we go.

As you can see, thank you. As you can see, nothing here is planned. This is all improvised. Make some noise for your next comedian, Christian Copeland, everyone. Christian Copeland. All right. Here comes Christian at a steady professional walking pace. One more time for Christian Copeland, everyone.

I'm originally from a small town in the south. I was talking to this girl from California the other day. She was like, I can never be friends with somebody from the south. I was like, why? And she was like, because people from the south want everything to be straight and white. I was like, that's not true. Okay. Have you seen their teeth?

Because I'm from the south, I am a little bit conservative. Like for me personally, there are only two sexes. It's the first time I had sex in the other time. All right. Well, the last joke's pretty long, so I'm probably going to go over. But a lot of people think that everybody in the south is racist. I don't think that's true. I think there's some truth to it.

But in my family growing up, there wasn't any racism. There was some racial confusion. I'll give you an example. My grandma's best friend is this Hispanic lady named Miss Lisa. Miss Lisa's granddaughter was turning 15, so she had a birthday party. My grandma couldn't come, so she sent a card. She told me to go sign the card, and I go sign it, and I read what she wrote. And it said, happy birthday, Carmen.

Sorry I couldn't make it to your quesadilla. All right, guys. Thank you all. Wow. Very good. Christian Copeland. My goodness. What's up, Tony?

Welcome back. You've been on the show once before, correct? Yes, sir. Good to see you again twice before. Twice. And what have we found out about you the last two times that you're on? Remind us of some highlights of your... We first talked a lot about that town that I was mentioning where I'm from.

It's a very small town in Texas. Second time, Alex Jones was the guest, so I didn't do much talking. Right. And then... I mentioned my birthday was 9-11, and then just like 14 minutes later, I was off stage. He takes over after that. Did he also think you were lying about that? Oh, my goodness.

Christian, you came in. Good jokes. The whole way through. Rock solid. And my guess is you've only probably been doing it one-tenth as long as the last comedian. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Almost four, I think? Three and a half?

Okay. Okay. Yeah, started in Houston and then came over here about a year and a half ago. The last guy has done it three times longer than him. For those of you a little bit slow at math. The last guy. Who bombed? And then when given the opportunity to do another joke, bombed again.

But we're here now with Christian. Welcome, Christian. Why are you dressed like an off-duty Roseanne Barr? This is just, you know, this is just what I wear. I love it. What do you do for work? Right now, I just do like DoorDash and stuff. Yeah, DoorDash, Instacart, just anything where I can kind of make my own schedule.

Right. Yeah. And what do you do for fun? Lately, I've been like really into like getting old like furniture and like renovating it, like sanding it down, painting it, shit like that. Yeah. That's cool. Okay.

Yeah. Just, I'm not that good at it, but yeah. I've been trying to, like when I'm DoorDash and I'll drop something off and somebody put like a dresser in their lawn and I'll just like take it. Oh. Wow. So you collect trash? Yeah, perfectly most parts.

I live in a studio apartment, so it's like it's just all building up on my balcony. Wow. Okay. Do you have like an Etsy page or any way, like are you selling this? Yeah. Unfortunately, I am heterosexual, but I do not have an Etsy page. The fuck's so wrong with Etsy? Etsy's a good website.

I got a few good things off Etsy. Yeah. It's an attempt at a joke, but yeah, Etsy is actually a really good website. Right. So what do you do with this stuff exactly? I felt for it. Set a little bear trap there for him. What do you do with the shit that you renovate?

Like I said, for the most part, it's like just sanding down anything that any old pain. No, I'm saying what do you do with it after you renovate it? And then just try to sell it. Put it on Facebook Marketplace. Try to sell it. Facebook Marketplace. Nobody buys it. Do you want to plug your Facebook Marketplace right now?

Facebook's just my name. Just Christian Copeland. Oh, okay. Well, all right. Try Etsy. What's up, boss? Try Etsy. Try Etsy.

Okay. For the most part, I like just doing it. I'm not looking to become like, I'm not looking to make much. It's a fun hop. I like doing it. Yeah, it's cool. Right. Okay.

Yeah. You like doing it, but you don't care about any success. You're like the last comedian of comedy. That's amazing. Has anyone ever gotten mad when you've like taken their stuff or gotten in trouble door dashing but trash picking? Not yet. No, it has not.

I mean, I haven't done like millions of projects. I mean, I've probably picked up like four or five things. They're pretty time consuming. So it's, I haven't done like a whole bunch of different stuff. Right. Yeah. It's an incredibly boring part of this interview. We talked enough about your arts and crafts.

Christian, let's talk about, you said you're a heterosexual. Yes. Okay. Let's talk about that. Wow. When was the last time you were in the bed with a lady? I mean, I have a girlfriend. So it happens.

You have a girlfriend. Yeah. How long have you been with her? Three. Yeah. Three years in October. That's a long time. What does she do?

She walks dogs. She walks dogs also. She walks dogs and does like door dash on the side. God damn. Look at you guys just out there making love with two high school diplomas. Just fucking getting it done. Holy shit. Walking dogs, dashing doors, fucking.

Stealing trash. Stealing trash. I was a semester away from graduating with a dental hygiene degree and I dropped out to do comedy. Why? Because if I had a plan B, I would just do that. It's easier than comedy. You should.

So I just know myself too well. Comedy's hard. And if you don't make that B your only option, you may not make it. So I would definitely have taken the easier road. How about your girlfriend? What dreams is she chasing? Because she seems like a real do nothing. She's going to go to esthetician school.

That is a pretty good one out here in Austin. So she's been in rehab before? It's a rehab thing. Has she been addicted to drugs? No. Okay. Incredible. Esthetician.

So is she doing that? Is she moving forward with that? No. We're saving up for her to go to school. Oh, okay. This is like a white men can't jump. Remember that? How they were saving up to get on?

On my last interview, you literally made me jump. Like have a jump contest. Really? This is Alex Jones. Wow. Oh yeah. I kind of remember that. Yeah.

We were really, really high. Incredible. Christian, tell us another fun fact about your life that we haven't talked about the last two times you were on. I was raised on what I call a weenie dog farm. My parents just bred doxins my entire life growing up. So we'd have like 30 dogs that we just had to take care of. Kind of ruined the whole pet experience.

Wow. What in the hell? Start of a bestiality porn. That is the classic porn hub sound effect. Two cats now. I'm a big cat guy. I don't love dogs as much anymore because it was more of like a chore growing up. But maybe down the road, I'll start to like them more.

So you guys have two cats. Two cats, yes. You guys are just hustling around. Yeah. Just trying to make it, dude. My goodness. What's in your refrigerator right now? Nice.

Yeah. Every once in a while, you got to bust out a new question every 10 years. What's something that we would find strange about your refrigerator? My girlfriend puts aloe vera in the fridge. So there's that in there. What? Yeah. She uses it for her hair.

So she keeps it in the fridge. And that's the trick. Is it drunk? Lady, stop responding to things that you're hearing on this show. You're so incredibly annoying. That's unbelievable. And of course, there's just two Red Bulls and three White Claws in front of her. I mean, it's literally these people, they come, they mix cheap fucking alcohol.

And they're surprised. Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah. White Claws is not a sponsor anymore. That's okay. That was close. I've got some cheeses.

I really like cheese. Oh, wow. Very interesting. I like cheese. What kind of cheese do you have? I think I just go, just like the sharpest cheddar you can get. Damn. Look at you.

I don't get into the fancy stuff. Well, you got to get some de lice de bergon. Okay. French goat cheese. Wow, yes. French goat cheese. Sorry. I thought you could hang.

Dude, no. Door dash. I can't get any of that stuff. Cheddar. So sharp. It would cut God himself. Christian. Incredible.

Well, nice. Nice to have you on this show again. You already have a joke book. I'm guessing, right? That's my back pocket. Yeah. Right. Both sizes.

No, don't have the small one. There you go. Well, then you're batting a thousand. There you go. Christian Copeland, everybody. Christian. Thank you guys. Christian.

You know what? I think we should do something extra, extra, extra fun right now. That sounds like fun to you guys, huh? I'm going to bring up one of the regulars on this show. This guy normally famously, very famously closes every episode of the show. But you're about to get them right now in the fucking middle of the show. One of the greatest regulars in the history of Kill Tony, the man with the most new minutes ever on the show.

This is the return of the big red machine, William Montgomery. Here he is, everybody. Live in the flesh, the one, the only, William Montgomery. Guys, make some noise. Make some noise. It's William Montgomery, everybody. Nancy Pelosi's boobs are so big, progressives when attacks them. She has giant tits.

Look on Pornhub. She's all over Pornhub. Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson broke up. I'm pretty sure he'll be back because he lost his watch in Kim's pussy. Kim Kardashian has a giant pussy. Look it up on Pornhub. The Chinese Yulin dog meet festival where they slaughtered thousands of dogs for food recently happened, which is weirdly enough just a typical dinner at Red Band's mom's house.

She eats dog food. Look her fucking nasty ass up on Pornhub. The other day, Elizabeth Warren said that if she had a dick, she'd be president. Really? Just get one, bitch. It's 2022. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, coming in, showing how it's done.

The Memphis Strangler does it again. Welcome to another interview portion of the show, William. How you feeling? Very good. I did six sold out shows with Duncan Trussell and San Diego this past weekend, which is wonderful. I'm legitimately afraid of this guy right now. I like you so much.

I'm legitimately afraid of your fucking ass right now. You're dressed like my dad. Now, William, if I could comment, this is a very interesting look you have here tonight. The thing that's really standing out to me, and I've seen you every single week for the last, what, three, four years or something. That belt looks like it is made out of something that would be attached to a bag or something. It looks like a strap. What the fuck is that?

It's actually, weirdly enough, it's my strangling strap. This is literally, wow. It's so weird you said that, Tony. This is literally what I had in both my fucking hands in La Jolla this past weekend when I was quite literally strangling the fucking life out of these fucking people. Yeah, you just belt though. It's perfect for strangling. Well, I mean, since you brought it up, what is your favorite part of strangling other

people? Like, what's the moment that brings you the most joy? Just probably one of the final moments of their life. There's normally a lot of weird gasping going on. Their eyes get a little, I don't know, kind of hazy looking. I swear to God, when I look into those people's fucking eyes and their eyes start kind of slowly start glazing over, it is like the best fucking, it's better than sex. It's better than anything.

What's the best thing someone said before the final exit? Please stop. A lot of the times it's like, please stop. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. Who are you? Oh my God.

How did you find me? Oh my God. Who are you? It's a lot of, oh my God. Who are you? Wow. Yeah. It's a lot of who are you?

Do you feel, do you feel like sexual pleasure when you're taking these people's lives? Or is it mostly just? It's not necessary. Huh? What'd you say? Business or pleasure. The fuck! Wow.

William Montgomery, a force to be reckoned with now. You're traveling all the time now. Such a fucker! Working absolutely continuously now. Do you have a little bit of a limp? I do. I fucking ran 30 minutes on a treadmill last Wednesday and I'm in horrible pain now. I've literally been in horrible pain.

I don't know what to do. Wow. I'm literally in a horrible amount of pain. I can barely walk up those steps. Wow. Okay. Why is that so funny? Have you seen a doctor or something like that?

I don't have health insurance, so. Oh really? Why is that funny? God, look at this fucking drunk dumbass right here. My goodness. Are you just yelling at a random guy over there? Yeah, he's giving me weird vibes over there. Look at that fucking guy.

He's probably an orthoscopic surgeon. Are you a surgeon? Oh, say something funny and you'll laugh. Somebody get that dumbass out of here. Please. Strangle him! Get him! Did you think that maybe you tweaked your knee a little bit doing any of these stranglings

that you've been doing, William? Yeah, I mean, I totally messed it up because I'm down on my hands and knees when I'm strangling the people. So it really, I think it exacerbated the sort of thing. You're on your hands and knees? Sucking dick. Oh, wow. Red Band.

Red Band. He sucks him off before he chokes him. What? Okay. Why would he do that? That's one of his things. Okie-dokie. Yeah, way to kill the fucking vibe up here.

If anybody's interested, Red Band's teaching an improv course this week. Follow him on Instagram at Red Band. Yes, and on your knees and suck. You just say, sucks dick. Everybody will laugh. I promise. Just say, my mom. Everyone will laugh.

I promise. Yeah, no shit, dumbass. Your mom's a fucking whore! Yeah. She's a nice lady. I don't know why he does this. She's a nice lady. Yeah.

I don't know why he does this. I don't know why he does this. You're the... I'm not gonna go into it. I don't know why he does this. No, I have to stop. I'm worried she's gonna die soon because she is so old and I'm gonna be telling these jokes and then I really am gonna feel bad.

So Red Band, I'm sorry. No, no. Somehow that's the meanest thing you've ever said about his mom. Was wired into your apology about the whole thing. That was crazy. You are evil. Oh, look how much joy he gets from this. This is incredible.

All right, William. Well, you did it again. Another new minute. You jolted the room wide awake with your energy. You're a goddamn monster. Thank you so much. There goes William Montgomery, everybody. We're right on schedule.

Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun tonight, huh? All right. We're gonna meet another comedian together and his name is Harrison Broad Street. Oh, wow. From the audience, a big pop. You guys know Harrison? What is happening?

Oh, okay. Just a bunch of random ass, weirdly dressed people getting up at the same time. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Harrison Broad Street, everyone. All right. I thanked somebody for their service the other night. I'm never doing that again. It turns out, hookers don't like it when you thank them for their service.

Yeah, women also don't like it when you're assumed they're a hooker on an airport. So that's all bad. Yeah, I went to the strip club with an ex-girlfriend. Don't ever do this. She got a lap dance. She paid for me to have a lap dance. She got all horned up and she was like, hey, do you want to have sex in here? And I was like, yeah, but could you ask her for me?

Like, it would sound better coming from you. And I don't have that much money. So I don't know. A girl one time, she tried to flirt with me using board games. This was the weirdest thing that ever happened. She goes, let's flirt using board games. I was like, I don't know what this means. She goes, I'm like Yahtzee.

I like to be shaken up, spun around and dumped. And I was like, I'm like Parcheezy then because I don't know the rules to this fucking game. I don't know. And I'm probably going to cheat. Honestly, that's what I'm going to do. Yeah, I was with a girl the other night and we were hooking up. We were in the throes of passion and I leaned in to kiss her and she goes, I only kiss people who I feel a deep connection with.

And I was like, I'm as deep as I can go. All right, Harrison Broad Street. Coming out, doing the show. Hell yeah, welcome, Harrison. How are you? This is your first time on this show? It is. Yeah, this is my first time.

Do you remember that face if you've been on before? Yeah. You look like a grown-up depressed Malcolm in the middle. Has anyone ever told you that before? Yeah, no, not. That's a good one. Harrison, how long have you been on stand-up comedy? Three and a half years.

Three and a half years. We're at all of it here in Austin. Springfield, Missouri. Whoa, Springfield, Missouri. What's the comedy scene like out there? Real small. We have one club. And it's called the Blue Room Comedy Club.

Right, right. Yeah, really small room. And yeah, so I'm down here for the week. And just try to get up as many places as I can. That's amazing. So when did you arrive to Austin, Texas? I flew in today, actually. Oh my goodness.

You don't fly very often, do you? No, not really. Right. Okay. What gave it away? Because you said that you flew in today, not that you got here today. You said I flew here today as though we thought that you may have driven or something like that. You were very proud.

Southwest. No, American. American Airlines, of course. All right, so Harrison, what exactly do you do for work in Springfield, Missouri? I was a behavioral interventionist at an elementary school for like three years. Oh my goodness. And then I quit that to focus on comedy. And I have a remote job now as a parts ordering training specialist.

Parts ordering training. What are you ordering parts for? I don't know. I start next week. Oh, okay. What if he's ordering the parts that Luke delivers? It's a small world. Could be.

I think it's semi-truck parts. So I don't need to know anything about it. I just need to know how to use a computer program. Right. Okay. What do you do for fun, Harrison? What's going on out there in Springfield, Missouri? Is it anything like we've seen on Ozark?

So like that's like the lakes. That's like where people go to like party and stuff, like all the COVID shots of people partying in the, in the like hot tubs and shit. Like that's the Ozarks and shit. How far are you from that? It's like an hour and a half, two hours, something like that. Right. You don't go there often?

No. I never enjoyed that. It felt a little billy-ish. What do you enjoy? I played baseball and that's really about. Grown-up baseball? Adult Men's League baseball. Wow.

You do that. You a catcher? No. No. A pitcher. Really? You're a pitcher? No, I'm an infielder.

Yeah. You don't look like a pitcher. You're shortstop. Second baseman shortstop. Yeah. Oh, so you're probably good. I was-ish. Kind of.

I played in college and I'm just like. What college? A small itty-bitty, Hannibal LaGrange University. Oh my God. Jesus. Was this a fucking Hogwarts? What the hell are you talking about? Hannibal LaGrange?

What? It's in Hannibal, Missouri and it's. We play baseball but it's on a broomsticks and you fly around. You catch the ball. It's the DeVry of Missouri. Yeah, it was a Southern Baptist college. Are you religious at all? No.

They were the only place that gave me a scholarship. So that was. Well, that's not saying much. What was the scholarship? $20? Close. It was not much. How dare you speak of LaGrange like that?

But Hannibal Missouri, that's Mark Twain. That's his- they love him there. They have a whole Mark Twain exhibit. They have a whole downtown block. Mark Twain went there? It's from there. He was from Hannibal, Missouri. Right.

They love Mark Twain. They have a whole rock mural. Wow. Get into town. It's fucking bizarre. You have a voice like you're delivering jokes even when you're not delivering jokes. Because I'm real anxious right now and I'm trying not to. Why?

Why are you so anxious right now? I don't know. Because I'm an anxious person and this is an anxious environment. What else do you do where sometimes you get anxious? Give us an example of other times that you get anxious in life. I sweat. It's not too bad right now. No, I'm not asking what happens when you get anxious.

I'm asking what are some other life situations in which you find yourself getting anxious? Ordering a sandwich. What? Oh, very good. That's funnier than any joke you told. That's because that was like based in reality. Not just like mine was in an airport and a hooker blew me and my girlfriend was there. Like what?

What are you talking about? It wasn't fiction. Like I went to Hannibal LaGrange University. That was funny. I don't like ordering sandwiches. What are we talking about here? You mean like it's Subway? Like when there's too many options.

Like give me like I want to order what's on the board. I don't want to have to like customize and do too many extra things. We don't have to. Bring up a sandwich menu for me. I want to see, I want to see this guy fucking sweat bullets right now. Come on Tony. Oh man. Oh my God.

Pepper and cheese. That's amazing. Why? Order online is so much easier. Like this is the way. Yeah, it's an easy way to order online. What kind of PTSD flash did you get blasted by Jared? Like why are you so nervous?

I refused to order pizzas when I was younger. My dad would be like, Hey, we'll get a pizza tonight. If you call in an order. And I was like, I'm not going to. Oh my God. You'd rather starve than order pizza. I mean, he'd ordered eventually, but like I just wasn't going to. I couldn't talk to somebody else about what I wanted.

You look like you sell cars in the 80s. I love it. I like you. Red bands pretending like he's having trouble downloading the Subway menu, which is already the background. I can just repeat it to you. I can repeat it to you. If you want to.

Website is so much faster. You can pull it up. I love it. Okay. Fuck it. This is moving too slowly. What's the most stressful part of ordering a sandwich? Is it the cheese, the bread?

He's about to pass out. For those of you listening to the podcast. His pockets having a fucking flashback. His eyes just roll into the back of his head. It's waiting for it. After you've ordered it, once you've gone through the whole thing. Jimmy John's especially. They're not really great.

They just set a sandwich up there and walk off. Wow. And I don't want to be the guy who grabs somebody else's sandwich. I mean, dude, you have activated his ass burgers like I've never seen. How did you help kids out? Weren't you helping the kids? I'm like, hey man, I get it. You can be fucking weird sometimes.

Take a breath and you'll be fine. I can talk from an anxious experience. Kids are anxious. That's what people don't get. You need medication. Probably. Yeah. Take it for Raza Agul over here.

I am scared. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Have you ever been diagnosed with anything? Nope. I love it. We should have a fucking, we should have a therapist. I have Dr. Drew coming on.

Oh yeah. Yeah. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're a few weeks away from Dr. Drew. We're going to fucking analyze some of these kids. My mom is a therapist. Really? What she say about your ordering anxiety.

Yeah. I don't talk to her about that. I don't tell her that. Yeah. Why would you? I don't want to dig through that. It's hard enough to dig through it now. She doesn't tell you you have anything?

She's just like, no, it's totally normal. Go play baseball, honey. I know you're 35. Go play. How old are you? 29. 29. I'm just imagining him like having flashbacks to a man like in Vietnam when they have

ears around the necklace but it's deli meats. He's just like, I won't go back, man. That's fucking the battle of Carpaccio 2013. I got this one in Prejute. All right. Harrison Broad Street. Congratulations on your busy week here in Austin. You were lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket.

Harrison, take one of these. Put that in your baseball mitt and smoke it. Stupid. You guys having fun over here, huh? How about the balcony? How are you guys doing? Anybody happy up there? A bunch of miserable people in the cheap seats up there.

All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Tyler Nissen, everyone. Tyler Nissen. Tyler Nissen is next. Here he comes. One more time for Tyler Nissen, everybody. Come on. I got my own apartment and I got really lonely on my own, man.

One time I blared my music just in my neighbor who knocked on my door. He was like, could you lower that? I was like, could you stay? He's like, I'll get the attendant. And I was like, great, I'll make a charcuterie. Living on my own, dude. I thought it'd be really cool until I realized I just moved in with my thoughts. Those are the worst roommates ever.

Like at least my last roommates didn't look at my reflection and tell me, you look like if Mark Zuckerberg invented Myspace. Oh, I got more, I got more. I used to work in sales. That's the worst job to do high. I don't know if you've ever tried manipulating someone while stoned, but it is ineffective. I'd call people and they'd be like, oh, hello.

And I'd be like, yeah. Goodbye. All right, thank you. All right, Tyler Nissen. Very good. Hell yeah. Thank you. Tyler Nissen.

You pronounced it correctly. Yes. Incredible. I appreciate it. Indeed. How are you, Tyler? This is your first time on the show as well, right? It is.

How long have you been to stand up? About four years. Four years. Where are you from? Detroit, Michigan. Detroit, Michigan. Many people that work here and have been on the show from Detroit. We famously had one of our wildest episodes ever in Detroit.

So welcome, welcome. You do not look like most people in Detroit. No. Look at you. What are you doing? Arresting people? Definitely the suburbs outside Detroit. You look like they hired you to fix the water in Flint.

Yeah. He looks like the cop that killed George Floyd. He does. He actually does. Jesus. Ty Repair has said it, not me. Raza Gul. Come on, man.

My goodness. Absolutely incredible. People have alcohol poisoning at this table right here. I love it. Tyler Nissen. Welcome, welcome. Very interesting look to you. You look like a really, really, really big sperm.

What do you do for fun, Tyler? Tell us about your life. Oh, man. I don't do a lot for fun, but I can tell you last year I went to Peru and did ayahuasca. Okay. And that wasn't good. Why wasn't that good? Explain to us.

Don't find your shaman on Reddit. Wow. Yeah. Oh, no. Big learning lesson. Tell us all about it. Dude, the guy turned out he wanted to start a cult. I thought he was God, all that shit, and just classic 101.

And the medicine itself, really wild, fucking terrifying, but a really, really cool time. I mean, like Jaguar spirits surrounding you in the TP, getting cosmic surgery by alien robots. That's like, you're triggering PTSD with that shit. Did you, what effect did it have on you afterwards? Did you notice a difference? I'm not gay anymore. No, but I will say it actually, I used to smoke weed every day for like 15 years and it cleared that up. What do you mean, cleared that up?

Well, like a dermatologist or something. I was like, you know, there's got shit inside you that causes an addiction and I was doing that for 15 years. Wow. What are we talking about? You seem like you say that like you had like a real problem. Dude, we's addictive. I don't give a shit what anyone says. That shit's addictive.

I agree. I was an everyday stoner, like just fucking sad and now life's perfect and everything's figured out. Oh shit. D-Madness is pissed off right now. I'm sorry, bro. I appreciate you. I don't even know what he's saying, but he's mad. That's why I stopped smoking weed.

All right, D, stop yelling at me. Jesus Christ. Oh my goodness. The guy doesn't, he doesn't, oh my God, it's getting louder. PCP in the weed. When you say life is perfect now, Tyler, what exactly are you talking about? Tell us about your perfect little life. Your alarm goes off at what time?

That was sarcasm. What? I do have a good life, man. I got a fiancee back home with a couple of dogs, couple of cats. Couple of dogs, couple of cats. Detroit, Michigan, they have their own guns yet? Yeah, we got guns. You have guns.

I have a gun. Not here. Very good. And this fiancee of yours, what does she do? She's an underwriter at a credit union remote job, just classic fucking shit. An underwriter? Yeah. Like an underwriter.

She like approves loans. Yeah. Approves loans. Uh-huh. Approved. Approves loans. Yes. Okay.

There's a lot of that going on in Detroit, so she's literally like a bad person. She's like ruining people's lives. You're totally going to be able to repay this loan. It's $20. Don't worry about it right now. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. In your entire life, what is something else that you do that is like artistic or talent-wise?

I do a couple of things. I got voiceover, like a side business. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. A voiceover side business? I was trying to go full-time and then like, I didn't really like it as much as I thought I would. What kind of voices can you do? It was, it's not like that. Like reading e-learning shit, like boring.

Oh, so you can do literally what we can all do. Yeah, exactly. Wow. Amazing. Wow. You look like the Tom Cruise of Detroit. Yeah, yeah. I wish I looked like Tom Cruise, but yeah.

Right. Okay, what else? What are some of your amazing talents? So far, we know you know how to read normally. I can read. I can write. I play guitar for a while. Really?

Yeah. How long, how long ago? I played it, so I played it for like 10 years and then kind of drift away from it a little bit. Right. Ayahuasca. Yeah. Cleared it right up. The weed.

Cleared up your guitar addiction. Yeah. Let me read Tyler. Anything, anything weird about your physical health or anything like that? Actually, the red-headed strangler, I got like fucked up knee pain too. You do. Feet and shit. I got flat feet.

You have flat feet. Yeah, it kind of hurts the whole system. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's not fun. Okay. I thought it was that fact. Yeah.

I mean, that's an, I was sincere, sincere fact. I don't know if you wanted anything more exciting. I'm pretty healthy actually, yeah. I feel pretty good about that. Okay. I thought Tyler was really funny. Yeah, yeah. It was.

How long you in town for? I'm playing it by ear a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I've been here since last Sunday and I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you're welcome. Wow. Look at that.

Holy shit. And you get a big joke book from The Great Bones Eye. There goes Tyler Nissen, everybody. Follow him on social media at Nyler Tissen. He switched the N and the T around. Oh yeah, maybe, huh? You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? Find a female comedian, huh?

Let's even things out a little bit since we haven't gotten one up yet. All right. Let's see what happens here. I'm guessing motherfucker Cruz is a guy. Sorry to Colton. Sorry to Corbin. Sorry to Steven. Sorry to Connor.

Seth Matthew. Cedar. Cedar Valencia. That's Cedar. Cedar is a man. That's a man, right? Nikolai. Jesus.

Justin. Kyle. Justin. It's incredible. We need more women to sign up. Kingro. Is Kingro a woman? Kingro?

You're Kingro? Let's hear it. I want to see a minute from you. Come on up here, Kingro. What's up, guys? How you guys doing? Not going to lie. I almost tripped on that step right now.

What's up, guys? I'm Kingro from San Antonio, Texas. I am a voice impressionist and a rapper from San Antonio. So I just told my dad that I was going to do stand-up comedy for the first time. And then I was freaking nervous. Sorry, I'm fat. I can't breathe. So I just told my dad that I was going to do stand-up comedy for the first time, that

I was nervous. I was like, man, dad, I'm fucking sweating balls, man. I'm fucking nervous. And he was like, Michael, don't worry. You'll be fine. Just be the normal dumbass that you are. And I'm like, normal dumbass. I'm a dumbass all the time.

He goes, oh, and if you fuck up, make sure you get somebody to record it too. I love my dad, man. He's gay, by the way. So I told my dad that I was going to be dating my first girlfriend after 14 years. And for him to give me a couple of months, and I'll probably be married and engaged and married. And he goes, well, give me about a couple of months too, and I'll probably find your new stepdad.

Okay, Kingro pushing into the limit. Absolutely. Welcome to the show, Kingro. Thank you. Absolutely. I pulled your name out. You jumped up from the normal audience portion. And I wanted to see what that's like.

Was that your first time doing stand-up? Yes, sir. It is actually my first time. There you go. Pretty fun. Right. And you say that you're a voice impressionist, and then you went on. You did no impressions the entire time.

My mind is completely blown. Yeah, I do voice impressions. I'm actually a rapper. The first rapper from San Antonio, Texas that got signed to Dope House Records in Houston, Texas. Okay. All right. Dope House Records.

Is that led by somebody or something? Dope House Records. I do the voice impression of SPM on TikTok. They found me on TikTok and I do that. What's that? What's SPM? SPM is South Park, Mexico. And he goes, yo, yo, yo, what's up, man?

This is SPM. Seriously. Okay. All right. What other impressions can you do? Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Are you ready?

Estamos listos para un grupo profesional. Cuatro veces a los Grammys y los Tejano Music Awards. Oh my goodness. You unlocked the code. You unlocked the Latino safe word. In all fairness, every beater can do that impression. That's funny, yeah. I love you guys.

Because I feel like we serve time together. Yeah, it does. I can't tell which one would fuck who on this one, though. Surprise quizzes on actually his dad. I love it. I absolutely fucking love it. King row. So is that what you do for a living?

Are you a professional rapper? Yeah, I am actually a professional rapper. I'm actually on tour right now. I'm leaving to Yakima, Washington this month for two shows. Yakima, Washington, September 10th, September 16th. I'm performing in Pasco, Washington. Okay. All right.

Well, at least, I guarantee you at least four more people are going to show up to those shows now that you plug them here. I got to hear a little bit of this rap. You want to tell the band to do a beat or a certain something? Yeah. SPM Wiggy. Oh shit. This guy's calling plays like Nick Saban fucking week 10.

Kordoroy Panther 36 Blitzkrieg on two on two. The band's like, oh, what? Just give me a one, a two, a one, two, three, four. Yeah. I've been saying it's on Texas. How does it go? Like do it with your, make it with your mouth. Give him the beat.

You know how to do that? Oh shit. Yeah, there it is. He's got it. He's doing the bounce. Everybody. Yo, yo, yo. Check it out.

I beat the coldest motherfucker. Eat you up a supper. Brew chugga lugga. I'm a one straight gunner from the south of San Texas. Fuckin' shootin' Texas. Haters talkin' down, but I'm a throne ass. Messin' this a kill Tony. Man, uh, I ain't a phony.

Yo, haters talkin' down, but it's a smell like baloney. I'm the craziest. I'm in the studio like you, Louis Iglesias. Man, hold them up, baby. Yeah. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Absolutely.

Holy shit. You're a real rapper. Appreciate it, appreciate it, appreciate it. Goddamn. Yes. Most people come on, they say they're rappers, and then they do some weird shit. You just actually rapped.

My mind is blown. Appreciate it, right? Hell yeah. How long you been doing that for? Uh, I've been doing music 20 years. Now, uh, I was actually on American Idol in 2009. Oh shit. The voice in Nashville, Tennessee in 2020.

Right. And, uh, still doing a lot, man. I'm doing, uh, I'm acting several times. Were the judges nice to you on American Idol? What the fuck did Simon say about you? No, they weren't, man. This guy there was dressed up like fucking Batman beat me. Oh, no.

Like, no telling not all just dressed like fucking Batman, bro. And I was like, damn, what the fuck? Oh, no. Yeah. Batman beat Mexican Bane in a fucking town. It's incredible. Whoa, in Burke Hills. I was born in the darkness full.

Hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. D-Madness just says, just said, so was I. God, I wanna fist bump him something. God, I wanna fist bump him something. Wow, Kingro, that's absolutely incredible. Thank you.

What else, what else should we know about you before letting you go? I'm an actor and a... Really, you're an actor too? What can't this guy do? This guy's unbelievable. Give us your best monologue. Yeah, come on, show us some acting. Play a normal white guy that's ordering at a sandwich place.

Hello, welcome to Subway. How can I help you? I'm sorry, I'm not ready. Wow. This guy can do it all, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Make sure you see his shows. Follow him on social media.

Kingro Dope House Records. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Absolutely, Kingro. Thank you so much. That's the type of random shit. We should still get a girl up here real quick, right? I got sidetracked. Now we're in the red, we're an extra long episode.

I hope you guys don't mind. You guys still having fun out there? Jesus Christ. Okay, here's one. Make some noise for Sydney Stevens, everyone. Sydney Stevens. Has to be a girl, right? Yes.

Here she comes. Come on, your final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Sydney, everybody. What the fuck is up, Austin? Fuck yeah. I'm originally from Texas, but I've been held captive in Minnesota for the past six years. I'm also a disabled veteran.

Why would we cheer for disability? Appreciate the support. I did one tour to Afghanistan, and wow, does that place make Sixth Street look safe? I'm single, shouldn't be a surprise. But I've been single for so long, the DNR registered my vagina as a national forest. Don't put Miracle Girl in your bush.

And like, I know why I'm single. It's me. I suck. No, seriously, I used to vape competitively. Yeah, I fucking suck, bro. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I have a vape shop logo tattooed on my arm, or the fact that the state of Wisconsin is included in that logo.

I'm not even from there, I don't live there. Wow. What a performance. Sydney Stevens, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Sydney, everyone. I pulled and pulled, I had to pull so many names out of the bucket to get to you, and you might be the least feminine lady

we've had on this show in a while. When I saw you come up here, I'm like, oh, she's gonna eat all of our pussies right now. This is incredible. That was how she got her combat injury. Sydney Stevens, that was an amazing performance. How long have you been doing stand-up? Thank you, six months.

Six months, incredible. Oh, my goodness. Wow, that's awesome. You're really good at it. Thank you. Very, very natural, nice, calm delivery, common sense jokes that really have to do with your life. I loved all of it.

You're making fun of yourself, you're referencing, you're a service that you've done. What branch of the military were you in? I was in the Army, active duty. Okay, active duty, very good. And you've been single for a while, you said. I have. Why is that, do you think?

Why do you think you've been single so long? Follow-up question, what's dustier, Afghanistan or your pussy? Your pussy, she answered very quickly there. She answered very, very quickly. And any guy that's been in there wants to commit suicide. Yeah, or they already have. It is, they get there, they're like,

I'd rather be in Guantanamo Bay. All right, let's talk about it, Sydney. Why do you think you're single? Do you date men? Yeah. Okay. I date everyone. Todd, you might have better luck on the other side.

I know, I've been called a sturdy lady a lot. Yeah, for sure. To answer your question, I make bad decisions. Okay. Yeah, and I don't like people. Let me ask you this, let me ask you this. You're a straight lady over there in Afghanistan surrounded by testosterone-fueled, you know, American absolute killers.

Is it possible to be sexually active out there with guys like that? I mean, were you a fleshlight? Jeez, red man. What the fuck? Maybe she was, maybe that's how she got hurt. How did you know? You're not supposed to, it's against the rules. Right.

But it happened when I was overseas. Right, indeed. I didn't do it, but... Other people did. Other people did, but I paid the price. Why did you pay the price? No, I said I paid the price. Yeah.

We all had to dig trenches with our bare hands because our squad got caught sleeping with the NCO and got pregnant. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Damn. Oh, shit. Little fucking, what do they call that? Somebody had to scoop out those holes.

Jesus. A little bit of that honorable discharge. You know what I'm talking about? Took me a second there. We got it, though. Got a good nap in today. I was able to remember the hacky bullshit that I thought of a second earlier.

I love it. You're so, so cool. Is this something you've always wanted to do, stand-up comedy? Yeah. It's incredible. You remind me of, like, Ronda Rousey, but you actually... You actually land your punches, so it's incredible. Yeah.

Yeah, I said it. Fuck you, Ronda Rousey. So you've always wanted to be a stand-up comedian? Yeah. Ever since I was a kid, I grew up watching comedy, Central Specials. I love it. My grandparents loved, like, Richard Pryor's.

I grew up watching. Hell, yeah. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? What type of motorcycle do you have? A 97 dyna-wide glide. Really? 100%.

Thank you. That's another one for me. Cross the line. Cross that off your Kill Tony bingo cards, bitches. Where do you bat in the lineup on softball? Third, consistent on base with a lot of power. Yeah, and I was the catcher. Hell, yeah.

I can relate. You seem like the type of woman that has a messy apartment. Am I correct? No, you're not. Right. Stellar, completely clean. Military. I'm the greatest of my roommates.

Oh, how many roommates do you have? Two. Okay. All right. Very good. How'd you hurt your knee? When I was overseas, a sand storm. Oh, thank God you said storm.

Oh, my God. I thought, oh, my God. No, no, no, no. There was a long pause there after sand. Oh, my goodness. I thought you were having flashbacks to be in with the troops. These goddamn sand storms are. These storms keep making me mad.

They're everywhere. All right. So sandstorm kicked up. A sandstorm blew it. And this is when you open your legs at one point, right? Yes. This is where all the dust came. Right.

Okay. I'm sorry, did some get on you? A sandstorm blew what's called a Hasco wall barrier over on my squad. Esco wall barrier. I think that's one of my favorite vape pens. See, you liked my vape pen joke. You got that. Was it true when you said you're a competitive vapor?

Yeah. Oh, my God. What does that mean? Do you have a vape pen on you? I do. Can we see you competitively vape? This is amazing. This is the first.

This is the first in Kill Tony history. We've never had a professional vape pen. It's not that big, but I'll try my best. Can the band play 311? You guys know any 311? Okay, here she is. She's inhaling on the vape. Oh, my goodness.

She's doing. Whoa. Whoa. That's incredible. That's hard to do though. There's an actual air current here. You had to like aim that. Yeah.

That was, that was really hard there. Wow. My goodness. It's incredible. Yes. The people in the balcony didn't see. Very interesting. That's a real thing.

Competitive vaping. It was. It's not anymore. Thank God. Why isn't it anymore? Because these guys right here, these little devices. Oh, they changed the game. They did.

People kept getting popcorn lung, right? Yeah. Big ones. Yeah. Now they do it. Now they make them handy. That's why I stick to old school. Yeah.

Exactly. I used to. So you say that you're super single. How often do you go on dates with guys? I mean, I am kind of seeing someone, but we're like in that stage where we're not like dating, you know, that fun. Do you often out alpha these guys? Do you think that's a part of why it is?

Right? No doubt about it. One time I had to change my dates tire. Oh, no. That's it homie. You're done bro. Wow. That is it.

Fucking call triple a fake faint. Do anything. Do anything. Fake a heart attack. Anything. You can't. Oh, no. Yeah.

It was bad. Oh my God. He's probably gay now. He probably went gay. He's like, fuck this. He's somewhere getting pegged right now. Yeah. He went to tire changing school later that week.

I did. I did peg him. Oh, wow. Oh my goodness. Wow. I'm looking. I'm looking at some of my gay friends in the audience. They look very excited about that.

Tell us what that's like pegging a guy. Does that get messy at all? Not if you do it right. Wow. How do you do it? You got to use a lot of lube, a lot of foreplay. Wow. Yeah.

It feels really great to be on top. Wow. Oh my God. Is this not your first time in a war zone? No. Not my first time in a fox hole. It must be nice to have it reversed to where you're giving someone PTSD.

And they have to wear your knee brace afterwards. Is this scented lube? Was it scented lube? Red band. Oh, did I taste it? No. Red band. What the fuck are you talking about?

No, sir. All right, Sydney, give us one more fun fact about your life that we would find interesting. You're such a great guest. An amazing performance. Thank you. Six months in the game. Thank you so much.

The show really picked it up at the end. Thank you. Ah, shit. Am I drawing a blank on everything interesting about that? What's the longest set you've ever done in your six months of being a stand-up comedian? 17 minutes. 17 minutes.

Oh my goodness. Red band? I'd love to have you open up the secret show. Oh my goodness. A goddamn American hero just got booked on a real Austin, Texas comedy show. Make some noise for Sydney Stevens, everybody. Sydney, take one of these.

That's a handmade leather joke book by the great Bones Eye. Sydney Stevens, everyone. Bullyward Sydney Stevens comedy, Sydney with an eye. Now, just when you think that it can't get any better than that you've seen the two regulars that famously moved to Austin, Texas. Now is the moment where I tell you that I have really, really exciting news. Another one of the Kiltoni regulars has moved to Austin, Texas. He hasn't been on this show in months.

He is a very, very, very big deal and unbelievable stand-up comedian famous for his roasting. He is the newest resident of Austin, Texas. This is David Lucas. The return of a legend. Texas's own. Yeah. I just recently went to Alaska and I found out that they got 18 hours of sunlight. And I'm like, damn, that would be a horrible place to be a slave.

For real. Like, you imagine you've been picking cotton 12 hours in a nigga's safe. You got six modes, like, God damn. I bet them slaves was happy as hell come day life savings time. It's like, hey, boy, the sun go down next week at 4.30. You sure about that, Bones? I think slavery, man. I can't wait until we go into slavery again.

You know, I'll be a trustee nigga. You know what I'm saying? I'll be a house nigga on the inside snitching like a bitch, boy. For a glass of lemonade, I'll draw the master of map nigga. All right, man. Thank y'all. Wow. Holy shit.

Every week, it seems another one of the best comedians in the country moves here to Austin, Texas and David Lucas, literally his first Monday as a resident here in Austin. This is so, so exciting and unbelievable set. We haven't seen you in a few months. So that was absolutely nuclear. That was incredible. I mean, why you got that smooth shirt?

Hey, what are you talking about? What the fuck? You dressed like a gay cat burglar. Oh. You know, I thought we could, I thought we could catch up a little bit. You're just gonna jump right into it. You breaking a nigga's house with the smell of a boxers. Oh, my God.

What the fuck is that water-resistant shit you got on about the fuck? That ain't under armor. That's under booty, nigga. Oh, my God. How dare you? The fuck is that? Does that have a hood to it? What the fuck?

Yeah. Yeah, it has a hood on it. Oh, come on, Ian. Don't, Ian, don't jump in. Don't team up on me like this. Right. That's made for a gay orgy, nigga. Oh, my.

So you don't get no KY jelly on your back, nigga. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. KY is the only jelly David doesn't eat. You are under... Tony, you're gonna be responsible for the monkey pox outbreak in Austin, nigga. Yo ass out here biting niggas on the booty and shit.

Oh, my God. That is incredible. David Lucas coming off of a big week and Hesh accidentally ran her car into him last weekend. Oh, my God. I've seen Tony before kill Tony getting the STD check for the fuck of it. Wait, what?

You just wanted to dick swap for no reason. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I get STD checks. You get KFC checks. When Tony meet a new man, he does it just like a dog. He sniffed their ass. I mean, that one's actually funny because it's true.

I don't know, for those of you that have met me, I met you earlier. I met you earlier. You got a real New York... You can really smell the subway station on your ass. Speaking of subway, David Lucas is still on stage. This is a man who was deeply offended at the guy that didn't know how to order sandwiches earlier.

I could hear him yelling. They called you on the stand at the Jared Fogel trial. You know, he was touching little boys. So, you live here in Austin now. You must be so, so excited. What's going on? Tell us about it. Shit, I'm waiting on my new furniture. Ashley furniture fucked me over.

Oh, shit. I hope they see this. You bitch ass motherfuckers. Yep, yep. Ashley furniture, you fucked up. I ain't making any of them payments. They made my shit late, bro. You think you're mad now? Wait till you sit on your couch for the first time.

You're like, what the fuck? I spent all this money on this. Tony, yo, skinny ass. You use a Starbucks cup. You didn't even have to finish that joke. Skinny ass, use a Starbucks cup. Good night. Thank you. That was amazing.

Sometimes you just need a good setup. Right, right. So what are you excited here? You're here, you're in Austin, the home of Whataburger and H.E.B. Yeah, what you call it is better, P. Terry's. Okay, I still haven't tried P. Terry's, believe it or not. It's the only place I haven't tried.

The locals get mad at me when I tell them that I haven't tried it yet. I'm not a big fast dude guy. Because that's the straight part of town. That's why you don't go over there. Oh, okay, yeah. That's true. I only go to gay burgers down the street. There actually is. There's a gay burger joint. It's called Asperger's. I love it.

I know why you're like in and out. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, I was mad the first time I tried it. I'm like, it doesn't go in and out as I thought it would. Because I tried to eat it with my butt. With my gaping butthole that's open from all the things that have been inside of it. Tony got a new restaurant called Dick Filet. That's actually, again, some of the things he says are just true.

Some of them aren't even jokes. It is incredible. I mean, absolutely amazing, you know. Yeah, man. I love it. What part of town are you living in? Right down here downtown on Congress. Okay, absolutely. Like six minutes from here. Right. It's good. The rare black man in Congress.

We've seen this before. Fuck it, I'm out here, boy. Absolutely. He is a leader in the community. I call him Martin Luther King size. Oh, wow, I activated the back lights there. Not really qualified. Lights didn't match up with the song at all. He's a leader in the black community.

I call him Malcolm XXXL. I'm trying to see if I got one for gay. Let's see. Fuck. For those of you that don't know, I'm a white gay guy and he's a fat black man. And we make fun of each other back and forth. Except I'm actually not gay and he actually is fat. So when all the jokes are over, David Lucas. Tony, you're not gay. You're homosexual.

Okay. All right. That's the difference. Son of a, you just couldn't let me get the last one in, could you? Hell no. That's true. I'm a homo and you're more of a house of pancakes kind of guy. It's a home house joke, I guess. Thank you. Thank you one guy. Thank you so much. It's going to help me sleep at night.

I'm going to be the one guy who loved it. Yeah. No, David, I seriously, you know, the regulars on this show, it's all a big, crazy diabolical family. I don't think any group of people have ever really done anything quite like this before ever. And I cannot express, especially with, you know, with, of course, Michael Lair being out of commission as of late and everything that's been going on with the show. I am so thrilled that you moved here. We're going to have so much fun together.

A great way to kick it off. That's David Lucas, everybody. We did it. Guys, how about a hand for my guest, Ian Vidance and Tyra Vera, everybody. Listen to Ian's podcast being Ian and bye guys with Zach Amiko and listen to Tyra Vera's podcast, Unbothered with Tyra Vera. An unbelievable evening. Do you guys have fun? The drawing from Ryan Jebelt is in. Check out all those prints at ryanjebelt.com.

He draws every single episode. And how about one more time for the best band in the land, the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys. Matt Mueling on electric and the great D Madness on the bass guitar. We did it again. The official Kill Tony after party starts now here at

at at Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. Yes, and shout out Rest in Peace to the late great Teddy Ray, a big friend of the show that passed away this week. I love you, Teddy. There you go. You can unlock your phones, hang out, enjoy yourselves, people. Thank you so much. Good night, everyone. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.