KILL TONY - #573 - JOE ROGAN

Episode Date: September 3, 2022

Joe Rogan, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/15/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. You guys ready to have the best goddamn night of your lives or what? Yeah! Make some noise for Brian Redband everybody. Hey everybody! And welcome to Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world and of course Deep Eddie Vodka, the best vodka

company in the world. All of those things happen to be from here in Austin, Texas so amazing local sponsorship. And how about a hand for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band everybody, huh? That's the great Paul Deemer on the trombone over there. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great John Dees on the keys. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. And that's my boy D-Madness right down the middle there on the bass guitar. Very very exciting stuff. An amazing episode ahead for you I'm sure. I mean I don't really know we can't really plan for a show like this but I do think you guys will be excited before we start

tonight's show. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right now. Hey y'all you might not know this but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. September 8th through the 10th I'm back at West Palm Beach, Florida. September 29th through October 1st Nashville, Tennessee. October 11th and 12th Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. October 14th and 15th I am in Boston, Massachusetts. November 4th and 5th. New

York, New York. December 9th and 10th I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023 I'm in Dallas, Texas and February 9th and 10th of 2023 I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now get tickets while you still can. You know here at Kill Tony business is absolutely booming. I mean the team seems to grow bigger and stronger absolutely continuously. Just last week we made the horn player Paul Deemer a full-time member of the band. It's always growing and it's so challenging hiring the top people in a

business especially now. Qualified candidates it takes a long time. So many applicants and now Zip Recruiter makes it easy. ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Zip Recruiter does all the work for you. They use their powerful technology to find and match the right candidates up with the job that you're looking to hire for. You can easily review these recommended candidates and invite your top choices to apply. Red Band you know all about this. Of course this is one of our best sponsors ever. Zip Recruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

No wonder Zip Recruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2 satisfaction ratings as of January 1st 2022. And I'm watching Paul Deemer walk in right now with a big smile on his face as we speak. Another happy hired full-time employee. That's what Zip Recruiter is good for. And right now to try Zip Recruiter for free our listeners can go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y. ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter. The smartest way to hire. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? All right well every single week we bring at least one of the best comedians in

the world on this show to watch stand-up comedians perform stand-up comedy with us all here. This week is no different. One of my best friends a guy that I've been working with absolutely forever. One of Austin's finest comedians and one of the best humans on planet Earth. Make some noise for tonight's guest. Joe Rogan! Oh shit! God damn it! Oh yes! Let's go! Oh yes! Austin's own Joe Rogan is here ladies and gentlemen. Hi!

Gonna get to do it again. You've been a guest on the show numerous times. We always have a shit ton of fun. You've been on the show all the way since it back and it's an exception at the comedy store so you get it. How are you Joe? I'm good brother. What's happening? Fuck yeah. Everything's good. We're gonna have fun here tonight. Look at all the happy faces out there. Joe you know how the show works but some people are new here like that fucking liar over there. A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull one of their names out of the bucket that means they get 60 seconds. You

know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Hell yeah. And now's the time for all side conversations between awkward boyfriends and girlfriends to stop in the room because we're gonna see some comedians do some uninterrupted stand-up comedy. You guys ready to start this puppy pie or what? Huh? Let's start it off with a legend on the show. A brand new 60 seconds from one of our favorite comedians. A guy that Joe and I have been working with almost every single weekend on the road. A legendary part of

the Kill Tony family started in a van. Now he's fucking throwing hundred dollar bills around any chance he gets. He has his own Amazon account. Ladies and gentlemen this is Hans Kim. What's up? It's gonna be here. I love how women can love a dog with one eye or a stoop but they can't love me. I love how women are like man things are going so great let me ruin it so it's more believable. But yeah I'm single. I think we should get rid of the Marines because we already have the Navy. Why do we have two water-based armed forces? Pick another specialty like lava or fog you

know. Whatever you see the Marines they're always on sand that's like the opposite of water. Get in the water bitch. But yeah I love our armed forces. Please don't kill me. Thank you. Wow. 60 seconds from Hans Kim. 40 seconds insulting patriots for the country. 20 seconds telling them not to kill you. An interesting an interesting new minute. Joe Rogan what do you think about this? I like how you will just try shit. I know if you really thought that one through you'd be like the juice is not worth the squeeze kids. Just fucking go for it. You are spot on. Hans Kim is one of the few guys we have to pull aside and go maybe

not one don't. They're gonna come for you bro. Decide if it's worth it. What made you want to write an anti-marine joke? You just... Probably the Iraq War. Oh my god. You know it's hard to write a minute every week. This is like this. I thought about the Marines. It's like the Marines in the Navy. Do they have a rivalry? Do they even know that they're they're etymology? Because of the word marine. Yeah. Right. Shit. Yeah. Okay. Did you ask a marine maybe? Maybe they'd have a reason for that. Maybe they have different jobs. Yeah. Oh shit. An actual soldier is about to kill you Hans. He'd like to set you straight. Why don't

you give him the microphone. Funny thing about this show is we lock up the phones but we don't lock up the guns. Welcome to Texas everyone. Very very exciting. Very exciting stuff. Hans what else is going on in your life? We know everything about you. We've watched you grow right in front of our very eyes in so many ways. I've been having a blast. We recently went to Salt Lake City and you guys made fun of my thin scrotum. No no you did. No. You did. First of all you say it like you showed it to us and you even offered it up that it was thin. I'm like everybody's is thin dude. Don't you talk to people? Yeah. No one's... Oh shit. Team

madness. Yeah. No one's got a thick scrotum bro. That's cancer. Yeah. It is true. We were talking about how he was saying that he doesn't like it when girls do anything to his balls because he said that they're sensitive. Well he called it jostling. He didn't enjoy the jostling. Yeah. Doesn't like it when they jostle. Yeah I don't like my balls jostled. That's a fair request. I recently asked people to help me move on Instagram and I got a lot of people to come help me. Oh wow. Okay why why why did you do that? What a great idea. Complete strangers in your house. What in your fucking mind? They know your old house now they know your new house they

probably went through got your social security number. They know when you're out of town whatever whatever. That's true. Dude run some stuff by us we're with you all the time. Yeah it is true. You literally have to tell Hans what to do and what not to do. It is one of the reasons it makes him so funny. Yeah. You're one of the funnest guys to hang out with. We have so much fun. It is true. We literally spend hours when we're on the road hours a day laughing about Hans and just asking questions. The crazy thing about Hans is like he was homeless. How long ago? About a year ago. And now you're working in arenas. Yeah eating

steaks. It's wild. But you go out there man. He goes out there like he owns the place. It's awesome. The hardest position getting the whole thing started taking him from fucking nothing to everything. You're absolutely destroying. It was incredible that we found you straight out of this bucket over a year ago. Thank you so much for everything. That's another new minute from Hans Kim everybody. Thank you. Hans Kim ladies and gentlemen. The very bucket that we found Hans in is right here and I'm about to pull a name out. It could be anybody. Could be somebody's first time ever doing it. Could be somebody that's been

doing it a long time and it's the first time on the show. Anything can happen. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight. One minute uninterrupted goes to Alex Hendrickson everybody. Alex Hendrickson. Looks like a new name to me. A lot of people here tonight. Oh here he is everybody. Alex Hendrickson. One more time for Alex everyone. It's nice to be here because up in Canada COVID was tough and then we had to isolate for a while and we got me my girlfriend or Iceland together and we're bored and she's like maybe we should try a role playing on it. I never did that before. Like what are we

gonna do? Like my mom didn't bring me up to do the kinky stuff like that. That sounds bad and she's like okay um you come to the door you'll be like pretend you're a salesman and I'll be a lonely housewife. She's like she gets on the bed she's ripping her clothes off. She's like I'm like all right what do you want me to do? And she's like I've never role-played before. She's like tell me what you're gonna do to me big boy. I'm like what am I gonna do to you? I'm listening. I'm owning there. Holy shit you sound pretty constipated. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna sell you some x-lax. Fix that up. She's like no no

not like that. Like what do you want me to do then? I'm not I don't roll. She's like call me a slut. Rough me up. Call me a bitch. Call me a slut. I'm like well my mom didn't raise me like that but fine. You want me to? Like okay I can do this. Holy shit. Alex Hendrickson still trying to go. He's trying to turn those Canadian minutes into American minutes right here but it ain't happening. There's no conversion rate for a Canadian minute here. Once that cat goes you're done dude. I know you guys are used to just talking while bears are roaring behind you but welcome to Texas. Alex wow I don't know where to begin

with you. I didn't realize they had a pro wrestling version of Larry the Cable guy. This is very exciting. You sound nothing like what you look like. Do you know this? I was expecting you to be like hey everybody welcome from Canada. Here's a little bit about me instead. You're like me and my lady. I don't know what they're doing. I don't even know what we gotta be right here. Everybody I'm seven feet tall and I sound like this. D-Madness knows exactly what's going on. D-Madness could tell because he heard your weasley little voice and he felt he felt your footsteps. He knows your sides. This fucking guy is fully aware. Lord have mercy indeed. D-Madness is feeling this shit.

All right there you go very good. All right all right D's settle down D-Madness. I came all the way from Winnipeg. Let's talk about it Alex. How long have you been doing stand-up? About seven years. Seven years. I'm trying to talk lower now. You're okay don't know don't change a thing. I like nothing I like more than gay Canadians on this show. Seven years. Where at? What part of Canada? Winnipeg where Jared the other guy is up from Jared Nathan. Yeah we know Jared. Yeah mentioning better comedians isn't gonna help you right now. Let's just stick with the questions here. Winnipeg what do you do for work Alex? I'm working. I'm working construction. Oh okay do you

really work in construction? It sounded like you were about to say something else. Yeah I'm between jobs. Okay all right and how long you been with this girl that you role play with? You got yourself a little Winnipeg huh? Four years yeah. Okey dokey nobody likes that very good. Winnipeg did not work. Don't do Winnipeg again. Four years you've been with her what does she do? She's a nurse. Okay yeah all right. Joe Rogan what do you think about this guy? I'm trying to be nice. Yeah I know. Saying nothing is the only nice thing that there is to say at this moment. Seven years what do you think your best quick joke is? Seven years in Winnipeg

if you had one one quick like the boom like something like that different than what you did in the minute. Our COVID joke? You have a COVID joke? Let's hear your Canadian COVID joke everybody. Yeah so we were we were isolating and we put out a lot during COVID we put on all the weight during drink in and eating so we started doing the sexer sizes to burn off some weight you know. The best the best position was the 69 because when we were 69 in sexer sizes like it's the only time in my whole day that my girlfriend can't like like tell me I'm doing something wrong or tell me to go do some chores you know what I mean. Jesus fucking Christ Alex

oh my god oh my god oh my god. There's so much wrong with that joke structurally. There's so much wrong with that joke. You can't fix it. Red Band giving him the clown horn after the Incredible Hulk sad theme. It's a rare combination and you activated both sir. I love it. You are such. You're so interesting. These jokes go over well in Winnipeg. Is that what the Canadians are laughing at nowadays? They're all wearing masks so you probably can't tell but. Yeah yeah it's okay you know this is pretty this is pretty wild like it's pretty cool to be here I watch the show a lot and. Okay you're starting to make me feel bad Alex.

Alex are you like really funny around your friends do you get nervous when you get on stage and talk faster? I don't get a lot of stage time so I could use a lot of that and you know I guess maybe that's why I'm like. But are you like a funny guy around your friends? You hang out with what sorry. Are you a funny guy around your friends like when you're around your friends. It's like a little different this is first time I've ever been around like someone like this famous and like. To the comedians waiting in the back that is not a valid excuse. You were going to bomb that hard whether or not Joe was here. I'm sorry if it made

you uncomfortable. Oh no I don't. It's alright. It's awesome to see you guys. I mean Jesus. Just a person. Who gets who gets this nervous around Joe Rogan. What are you a CNN anchor? I would love that. I would love it if I pulled out Brian Stelzer's name just like oh my God. I bet it would be funny on accident. Yeah. Yeah probably would. Unlike our new friend Alex here who. Big guy you do any big guy stuff you seem big. I do like it's like longer sports but it's called in Canada. It's called King Trapper and you like moose

and goose call for points and it's all. Can you give us a couple moose calls here. Do you need both hands to do that. I can do it. No I could do it. Yeah I could do it like a goose call for you. Okay let's hear it. Let's hear it. You say goose or moose. Goose. Goose. Okay. Wait. Don't fall back off the stage. Don't fall back off the stage. It's how we do that. Imagine that's how he died. Looks like here's spring arrived. He'll play Tony forever. He gave his own eulogy beforehand. They would totally blame you. Here he is. Wait wait wait stop stop stop. He's doing it. You have to put the microphone right in front of your mouth.

Whoa. Whoa have you ever thought about doing that's very impressive. Hold on let him do that but don't interrupt him. Let him do it but don't interrupt. Let me hear that again. He wants to hear it again. Here we go. Wow. Hidden skill. Very impressive. I think we figured this out. You are a comedian for gooses. That's what that's your audience. You just need to make them laugh. We're getting good feedback from across the ways right now. That's pretty fucking amazing. That's really good. That's an owl red band. That's an owl.

Alright. So Alex we found out that that's an incredible talent. Do you have any other animal calls that you do before I let you go? I'll do a quick boost. A moose? A cow call. Cow and eat the female moose. Oh okay. We see what fucking Alex is doing with this. That's what it sounds like. Wait a second. Do that again. I have to hear that again. You stopped me right in my tracks there. I was saying something that I heard the craziest sound I've ever heard. Do it from the beginning. Oh my god. Wow. That is incredible. It's very accurate. Yeah. Fun fact that's also the sound of an abortion.

Oh no. Oh we've activated the backlight. Thank you red band. Thank you. Almost 10 years of working together. This is the type of swap gameplay we have going on over here. Alex Hendrickson. I love that we have all different shapes and sizes of people. You seem like such a nice guy. You are a true Canadian. Congratulations. Sign up again sometime. Cool. Alex Hendrickson everybody. Here you go. Take one of these cool joke books with you. That's from the great Bones Eye. Hell yeah. Absolutely. There you go. Sure. Alex Hendrickson everyone. There he goes. These Canadians are wild.

Look at that. He does legit lumberjack sports. Yeah. All while wearing the same size shirt as me for some reason. It makes no sense. He was squozing into that thing. All right. This looks like a new name. Makes some noise for Bradley Bell everyone. Bradley Bell. Let's see what happens next here on Hill Tony Live in Austin, Texas. Here he comes everybody. One more time for your next comedian. His name is Bradley Bell. Hi everybody. All right. So I've been thinking a lot to myself. I'm getting a little older about a solid backup plan in case comedy doesn't work out right.

So I was like so I got Google. I got Spotify. And last time I was in jail I took a communications course. So thinking about starting a podcast. Yeah. Solid idea right. But no I learned a lot in jail. I learned how imbalanced and sexist the judicial system is right. All right. Stay with me. All right. So there's this lady that was sentenced in New York for climbing the Statue of Liberty. Five years for climbing the Statue of Liberty. It's messed up right. All right. Cos Cosby got five to ten. He climbed on top of way more immobile women. Came around there at the end. Bradley Bell with his Kill Tony debut.

Not a bad joke. No. That's good. Right at the end there he slid in at the last second fucking sake. You underestimate the sneakiness. You have the voice that the last guy should have. And he sounds like what you should sound like. It's incredible. Thank you. Thank you. D knows he barely felt anything when you came up here on the stage. You could tell jail legs over here. I actually noticed you went straight into that jail thing or did I miss you talking about it before the put you went straight into it. I don't even think a lot of people noticed that you said you learned a lot in jail and then you were into another thing. That could have used a little beat there to be like, you know, to give them a chance to know to laugh because that was actually funny.

But I didn't know that you did it on purpose. Yes, sir. And so what were you in jail for? Uh, uh, I uh... If I was a cop I'd arrest you again right now. Yeah. Like sit the fuck down on his plate. By your weight I'm guessing crystal meth.

Am I right? I can neither confirm or deny these allegations. Wow. I mean, you know you're not, you know you're still not in jail, right? I learned that from the Air Force. Okay. Okay. Air Force wins in Hans Kim's jokes. Air Force doesn't even get touched. Can I just say this is a little surreal for me. Yeah, no.

Two weeks ago I was sleeping under a tarp in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Wow. This is my favorite. I was telling jokes to a... Sorry. Sorry, man. Yeah, go ahead. To a ground squirrel I named Carl. So...

To a... To a what named Carl? A ground squirrel. A ground squirrel. Okay, you were on drugs. To pesky little rodent that nobody likes. Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse. What's worse than drugs?

I'm a stand-up comedian. Oh, okay. Very good. I see. All right. All right. Brad, very good. Bradley, so stick with me. Joe, I wouldn't be here for anybody until you had a little... Wait, what are you doing? What's going on?

Bradley, don't worry. Don't worry. Sorry. Thanks, buddy. Thanks for looking out. Tony would have never told me. No, it was a sippy drink. I feel like we're friends, you know. We are friends. I have Spotify. Bradley. Very good.

Callback. That's good. I love it. So, Bradley, tell us more about your life. Like, share something with us. Because the stuff that you're giving us... We don't have the time. Yeah, okay. Well, why don't we just start with...

Why don't we start slow? Listen, listen, listen. 20 minutes. 20 minutes. Contrary. I haven't been telling you everything. Oh, it's kicking in. Whatever you took before this is kicking in right now.

You were good for a second. If you need to buy meth, I might know a guy. No doubt. I'm from Louisville, Kentucky. And what do you do for a living? Honestly, I just got a job as a bell hop, so I'm making my parents really proud right now. Okay, that's cool.

Parents are still alive. That's good. Yeah, no, I'm just trying to have something to keep the comedy dream going. How long have you been doing it? About eight years now. Wow. And what do you do? Where have you been the whole time?

Louisville, Kentucky, man. Started off in all black scene, actually. Right. And I wanted to broaden my horizons a little more. Right, because they kept shoving you inside of a locker after you're sat, for sure. Yeah, man. That's a good way to do it.

How many sets a week were you able to do there? In Louisville? Yeah. Two if I was lucky. Two if you're lucky? Yeah, that's why. I'm like in heaven here, man. It's great. So then what were you doing in Colorado Springs

two weeks ago under a tarp talking to a ground squirrel? Yeah. Working this pizza joint here, saving up money to move to Austin, Texas so I could do stand up and do this right here. Amazing. So that's awesome. Congratulations.

That's no bullshit. I love that. How old are you? I am 41 years old. Okay, very cool. I like it. Woo! I love it.

Okay. Very interesting. So when exactly did you move here? I've been here for a glorious four days, man. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saved up the money to buy a plane ticket. Got a four bedroom by four bedroom.

I mean a four bunk bedroom for $500 a month. Okay. North Lamar. So how many bathrooms is that? I think we've learned to ask on this show. They call it a macro house, but when it's like a hostel, it's got four bathrooms.

Four bathrooms and four people in four rooms. Four people in one room. How many rooms? Really helps with dating. You know, climbing up a bunk bed really sets the mood. Right. Very good, Bradley. Stick with me.

I'm trying to figure out how many people are in the house. Four people total? One room or four rooms with four people in each room and four bathrooms? Walk in. Stay with me. Walk in. Oh, dude.

This is amazing. This is the closest to smoking crack I've ever been right now. Live on my own podcast. I know a lot of people on their podcasts do crazy things. You guys have smelling salts, Whitney's on catamine. You know, everybody's doing everything, but I've never smoked crack on Kill Tony.

This is the one moment. You trying to take me through this hell house that you live in. Stick with me. So first there's like a plank, right? Cause like they're like digging up around it. Just how many people are in the house total? Like 16. That's what I was thinking.

You see what I mean? That's what I thought I heard. I thought I heard four rooms, four people in each room. So there's 16 people and four bathrooms. Is this what you're saying? Absolutely. How many of the four bathrooms have a shower in them? All of them.

Oh, wow. That's pretty good. Okay. So it's built for fucking chaos. Tony was homeless like a week ago. This is incredible. Cut the guy a break. It's built to write all day long.

It's fantastic. Incredible. Incredible. So you're happy. I'm in heaven. Other than stand up comedy. What do you do for fun? Dude, I love to kayak.

I like to, I like to hunt. You like to kayak? Yeah. Well, that's perfect when we send you back to Colorado in a few weeks. You'll be... Go! Son of a bitch. Some people fad about it.

No. He could do it. He's funny. You could do a lot Bradley. Your potential here is amazing. Yeah, you could do it. And you're going to find out what it actually is because now you can perform every single night of the week at different places.

Dude, that's what I'm here for. Yeah. I appreciate it. It's a wild scene, right? Dude, it's incredible, right? Yeah. I love it. How many illegitimate children did you keep in Louisville before moving here?

Three? Or two? Dude, I got one on the way, man. Oh, you do? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Is that the ground squirrel? Congratulations.

You son of a bitch. There he goes. This killed Tony debut. Bradley Bell, everybody. That's Bradley Bell. Bradley. Take one of these. That's a real joke book by the great Bones Eye.

Texas Leather. There you go. There he goes. Bradley Bell, everyone. All right. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? This show.

This show is the best. It's the best. You have the best comedy show. I love it. I have fun every week. It's so fun. It looks like another new name. Make some noise for Raymond or perhaps for the rest of the week.

Make some noise for Raymond or perhaps for ramen. R-A-M-I-N. Raymond. Ramin. I bet it's Ramin. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Ramin, everyone. How are we doing?

How are we doing? It's my first time on the show. My name is Ramin. I'm a little nervous. So if I bomb this set, let's just say I won't put the only thing that blows up tonight. Am I right? Anyways, my name is Ramin. I'm from Massachusetts.

Anybody from Massachusetts in the crowd? So everyone always asks me, Ramin, why did you move out of Massachusetts? It's such a nice place. And you know, there's like a little lack of diversity there. I was just so sick and fucking tired of being surrounded by so many white people. So I decided to move to Austin, Texas to surround myself with some even more fucking white people. Am I right? You guys are great.

Great neighborhoods. So I went to Torchies for the first time. And the funny thing about Torchies, I didn't know that they named all their tacos after women. You know what I mean? You got the Republican, trailer park trashy, beef fajita. I was thinking about going there and just like coming up with my own taco and seeing if they serve me. You know what I mean? Can I get one wet slut please?

One who loves me unconditionally. Thank you guys, Ramin. Ramin, everyone. Welcome to the show, Ramin. Thank you for having me. How are you? Good, how are you? Good, good, good.

How long have you been doing stand up? What is it? August? Six months? Six months. Okay, very good. How long have you been in Austin? Since January.

January? Yeah. Okay, so you got here, settled in and then started stand up comedy. Yes. Is this something you had planned to undoing when you moved from Boston? Oh, no. I mean Massachusetts. Are you from Boston?

I'm from Newton. Okay. So it's a suburb outside of Boston. It's where I'm from. Yeah. New South, all the way, alum. Oh, shit. Okay, there you go.

That's it. There you go. Not that many of us. That's how much we love that place, just a fucking woo, yeah. And what ethnicity are you exactly? I'm Persian. Okay, just regular old Persian? You're not gonna...

Just regular old Persian? Okay, right, man. I don't think you're allowed to play that for every Persian. Just regular straight up Persian? Yes. Okay. Very good. And where were you on September 11th, 2001?

They flew out of the Boston airport. That's a serious question. Well, I was five years old, so... Oh, that means you're a carry on to these people, you know? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. There it is.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Rameen. What do you do for work, Rameen? I work in tech sales.

Oh, wow, tech sales. I was gonna guess a department store somewhere. Yeah. Close enough. What type of tech are you selling? Um, I like my job, so I'm not gonna disclose any more information about it. Okay. What exactly?

What part of Indiana Jones is this? What you're doing with the mic cord, exactly. Are you about to lasso one of us? He's like Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights. I don't know what to do with my hands. I'm nervous. I'm nervous. This dude's about to drag us back to the Temple of Doom.

I love it. Rameen, what do you do for fun? Do you have any special skills or talents? Um, yeah, I actually have my own comedy show, The Knee Slapper Comedy Carnival, where people can come on stage. We have comedians come up and people can win prizes. What's up? You get a fucking bag of Q-tips.

Congratulations. Wow, look at that. I've never fucking know what's gonna happen. Anthrax has entered the chat. Very cool. Very good. Very good. A little souvenir bag of the old Thrax.

I would not open that, sir. This guy's from Texas. This guy's from Texas. He has no idea what a Persian is. He's like, I think I can open it right? Right. Don't do it. Oh, my God.

Rameen, what else other than stand-up comedy, what do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? I do a lot of things. I'm a yoga instructor. I like to work out. Really? Wow. Yeah.

You seem like you'd be good at yoga. I see that. I fit the profile. Am I right? Right. Brown man with pen and nails? Right. Oh, shit.

D-Madness. Absolutely going wild here tonight. All right. D is a live part of the set. It's like having a crazy... Okay. Now he's apologizing. D-Madness has been on the show for over a year.

Still doesn't know what a podcast is. It is absolutely incredible. We try to tell him, would you give him little tidbits at a time, but he hasn't put it all together that it's really like an audio. All right. They're actually okay. All right. Thank you.

Okey-dokey. What's his name? What's your name, sir? Rameen. Don't ask any questions. Yeah. I think he... He's starting his own side show.

Yeah, my own show on your show. It is incredible. So you are... How do you think being a Persian in Texas is going for you? It's going well. I've found a single other Persian. So if you guys know any Persians... Let me know.

Hit me up. Okay. Like a cluster cell. Never mind. Not exactly. Where did that come from? Yeah, no. So I think it's unique.

Are you exclusively only attracted to Persian women or do you have a... You have a specific type? No, I have a wide palette. I try a little bit of everything. Okay. White women, brown women, Asian women... I noticed you didn't say black women.

I just... I was about to. You said black women right there at the end. Jump the gun. Jump the gun. You're just waiting to make the... Pull the race card. Did you notice a difference being with a black woman

that you didn't notice when you were with other races or any of them altogether since you have such a wide palette? Have you noticed differences between them? Your preferences that you have? They're all great. I'm not going to say anything... Are you running for Congress right now? You're on Kill Tony.

You have to give me something, dude. No, they're good. They're nice. They're great. I can't complain. Paralyzed by fear. Yeah, it really is. A little bit.

What do you want to... Yeah, sorry. All right. Ask me something. One more question. You want one more question? Yeah. Okay.

What are you afraid of? What am I afraid of? Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's just... Probably like... TSA agents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What else? What else? Give me another one. Like being pat down at the airport, snakes scare me a lot. Really? See, I wouldn't guess that.

You're a Persian. You're into yoga. I would figure that you would have one at home and like a jar or something like that. A lid and it just comes up. It's like, what's up, my friend? I don't know why its mouth would move when you say what's up, my friend,

but I'm high too. Speak to him, Farsi. Yeah, yeah. I love it. I am stoned to the gills right now. Ramine, what else? I feel like there's something else. You've seen the show before, right?

I haven't, actually. Oh, you just randomly sign up for crazy-ass podcasts. Everyone's like, you got to go on the Kill Tony shows. Like, why? And you didn't research what it was before coming here? Just fuck it. Wing it. Wow.

There you go. Louder. Okay. Ramine is trying to make a heel turn right now on the show. Ramine, congratulations. You got up on a show that you have no idea what you even did at all, exactly.

Appreciate it. Thank you for having me. But you definitely kept your job as a tech sales guy. Definitely. You gave us nothing that could get you in trouble. Fuck yeah. There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ramine, everyone. Here's a joke book, Ramine. Have yourself a joke book. See, this is why we don't shake hands, because once you start, once you open the handshaking gateway, everybody goes for it. Oh, he got his Q-tips back.

That's his big prop. Very awkward bag of Q-tips. Very interesting thing. All right, let's do something fun. Let's do a little reset. You guys like special treats? How many of you know this show that you came to here tonight?

Okay. Just making sure. Then you're going to love your next performer. He just moved here to Austin, Texas last week. He's been a regular on the show for years. Austin's newest resident. Makes noise for the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody.

Yeah. I think that, uh, men that were fucked girls in the ass are gay. You might not be gay, but you're on your way to being gay, motherfucker, you know? Because the ass is an exit.

You know what I'm saying? It's an exit, man. You can never clean it. You have walls that don't self-lubricate. Like, what the fuck is wrong with y'all? Yeah. It's like, it's disgusting. Even when you clean it out

and you think it's as clean as it can be, you see a piece of corn. I don't fuck with the ass, but I don't, bro. Like, the most I'll do is put a finger back there. You know what I'm saying, bro? And I'm not, like, sticking my finger in the ass. I just kind of, like, put my finger over the hole so the air...

I just, like, cover the hole so the air don't come out while I'm hitting it from the back. You know what I'm saying? I don't want none of that queef air to come out of the asshole, and now we have the shit. Another amazing new minute from another one of the absolute stars of the show,

David motherfucking Lucas. My man Joe, what's happening? That's my dog right there. Hell, yeah. Yeah, what's up, Tony? You got your boyfriend's friendship bracelet on. Oh, yes, I have a bracelet on. You are correct.

That nigga said, never forget about me, ain't it, man? Absolutely. If you don't wear those, you don't love me. Okay, very good. Buffa got some micro anal beads on his wrist. Okay, thank you, yes. It's true, I have a tight asshole, and they feel really good.

Well, when you fart, it sounds like a dog whistle. You son of a bitch. God damn it. All right. Really, let him go at once. That's actually true. The fun fact is that if I fart, it sounds like a dog whistle.

It's not that tight, David. Red, man, what you trying to tell us? Over there, that goddamn life jacket. What the fuck you trying to tell us? You made my cry sure. That motherfucker roll here on a jet ski, ain't it, man? I love it. I love coming in as hot as it gets, everybody.

That's what happens when you have an enlarged heart. You can fucking come in. Come in, extra passion, wearing the camo pants like a gravy seal. Tony, you gotta stop wearing your boyfriend jacket. That shit too big on you, man. That shit do not look right on you with that big ass jacket on, man.

That nigga fucked you and sent you home with a jacket, ain't it? That motherfucker made you take an Uber pool. He was like your Uber here. Oh, my God. But you gotta walk to the Taco Bell. Oh, my God. David takes Uber XXL. He takes CantLift.

I seen you at that Austin Pride Parade with some cowboy boots and a G-string. Wait, what? Why did you see me? How did you see me then? You put that mask on like we wouldn't know that bird-ass chest you got. Wait, where did you see me?

Where is this again? He was at the Austin Pride Parade. He was throwing that shit you got on your wrist. I saw you on the sidewalk eating rainbow sherbet. Tony throw beads in New Orleans for niggas to show their asshole. Pull your pants down, motherfucker. I want to see the ass.

Fuck the penis. Let me see that asshole. I make a dog whistle for those guys sometimes. That's the sound of my... That's what it sounds like when I fart. Who made that noise? That's John Dees on the keyboard, everybody. Oh, my God.

It's a special synthesizer made to sound like my asshole when Eric comes out. That's crazy, boy. Tony took testosterone and still couldn't get an Adam's apple. Oh, Jesus Christ. Adam's apple is the closest thing that you've ever had to have a fruit in your mouth, dude.

You unhealthy bastard. You're absolutely morbidly obese. Tony, you buy baby carrots just to suck on them. Again, this is all true. You can ask... I literally do that. And when you finish sucking on them, you sit on them. That's true. That's true.

All things that you definitely also don't do with carrots. You hate vegetables. It is absolutely incredible. You have a wrinkled shirt on, really hard to be that big and still have your sherpy wrinkled. Tony, with that black on, you look like a pool stick shadow. Because you're skinny. I thought for sure there was a pool stick

that would make up my ass on that joke. Turns out there wasn't. He looked like a licorice candy cane. This is what happens. He just starts calling me types of food when his blood sugar gets too low. He just gets really hungry. Motherfucker, look like a bag of buttered popcorn.

Motherfucker, look like a tall soda bottle. Motherfucker, look like a Laffy Taffy. Motherfucker, look like an upside down nut rages. He's hungry, folks. I'm going to let him go. It's David Lucas, everybody. The legendary David Lucas. The man, the myth, the legend, Austin Zone. David Lucas.

This is one of my favorite shows. It's so much fun. You have the best show. Thank you. It's such a good show. It's the best. The comedy's the best. We're having fun. This looks like a fun name.

Makes some noise for Klaus Schwab Jr. Klaus? Klaus Schwab Jr. Come on, everybody. Klaus Schwab Jr. Hello, my slaves. Smells like poor people in here. Can someone open window? I'm allergic to poor people.

No, seriously. I need to drink like blood in the back to resuscitate myself. Anyway, get your tickets for Davos. I'm Klaus Schwab Jr. My father is Santa Claus Sr. And very soon he will take over the whole world. So it's great for us. Very soon we will own like the car in your driveway, for example.

We will own the wedding ring on your finger. We will own the Venuschnitzel that you consume for breakfast times. And as it slides in your esophages, or it becomes your scheisse in your stomach place. I will own that. I will own the spunkin' from your phallus as it enters your vibe on your wedding night. I will own the fetish intubating in her stomach place.

And as it barrels into my new world order, I will put the chip in your baby's grave. All right, Klaus Schwab Jr. going way over his time. Took a massive creative risk here tonight. I took some notes during your set. I only wrote down two words. It's very weird. So am I talking to the character still, Klaus Schwab Jr.?

This is me, yes. I took UFO here with Zergacastor Draco Reptilium. Okay, I don't think any... Historically in the show, character-y stuff really doesn't work that well. Is there any chance I could talk to the man behind the impression of Klaus Schwab Jr.? I don't know what you mean of this.

Right. Okie-dokie. This is normal for Flugerville, Tony. I don't know if you've ever been there before. Have you ever been on this show before? No. No. Do you do these online? Do you do a bunch of videos like this online?

Sometimes when I make... make performances with hair triplets one time, but there was disinformation about this. I took selfie time with him. He did not tell me he was Armenian, so... Right. I got rash when he made selfie with me. I think Eddie Bravo follows you.

Yes. Yes, I know this guy. He does. That's what I think I found out about him. Klaus, do you do any impressions of other people? Um... No. Klaus Schwab.

Jr. I'm talking to you. Yes, indeed. I'm talking to you. Do you do any impressions of anybody else? I make bankings. I'm Olajok, so this is more my... Right.

...type of lane. And you do this online. My lane of this? You're online. You make videos and stuff. Yes, I mean... Isn't it interesting to get to hear how hard people are laughing at your videos

right now, live? Like you're getting like actual feedback. Yes, I know. Okie dokie. Uh... Yes, and... Alright, Klaus Schwab, Jr. Well, you took a chance here tonight.

Uh, it's hard to interview a character. Have you done this before? Yes, I have made this. I have, uh... Many times over a few dozen times for this. A few dozen times? So, fairly recently. You were making the videos first,

then you decided to do it on stage? No, no, I made the on stage first. How long ago? Uh, for like 16 months I have made this. 16 months, but you've only done it, what do you say, a half a dozen times? Or a dozen? It's been...

Alright. Klaus. I love it. It's fun. It's a goofy thing. You tried your best. Thank you. Klaus Schwab, Jr. everybody.

Thank you for this. We're gonna keep it moving here. Sometimes this thing turns into like a fucking game show from the 80s or something. This show sometimes takes on a real let's make a deal type of vibe. Maybe somebody in the audience wants it. Look at what's this gross sausage.

Right there you go. There you go. There you go. Absolutely. I would get it tested first. Yeah, for sure. That thing has unfunny pox. Alright, I pulled another name out.

Are you guys still with me? Did we all just sort of go into a coma there? Characters don't work on the show, people. Again, nine and a half years you could research this. It just doesn't really ever work. Make some noise for your next comedian, Brett O'Brien, everybody. A real human being. Assuredly.

Brett O'Brien. Here he is, everyone. The real man himself, Brett O'Brien. Alright. My parents found porn on my phone growing up and they talked to me about it. They said it wasn't real. And I was so relieved.

I knew Dix couldn't get that big. A kid, he reached out from high school recently and apologized for bullying me. I thought we were friends. I hooked up with my ex recently and the condom broke but she didn't get pregnant. I do that condom every time. It's my lucky condom.

I'm wearing it right now. I love it. A return to comedy, Brett O'Brien, everybody. That was awesome. Really good jokes. I can't tell whether you're hilarious or that's just what it's like when anybody goes up after Klaus Schwab Jr.

That's hard to follow. We're like, Jesus, this guy's hilarious. Next chappelle. Incredible. Brett, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing it? Like three years. Three years.

Awesome. Absolutely great for three years in. Really hard hitting, short, quick, fire jokes, tags. You're doing everything right. How long have you been doing it for three years? I started for like two years in Dallas and moved here a year ago. Very good.

Very awesome. What do you do for work? I'm in tech sales too. Jesus Christ. Can you tell us what kind of tech sales? Trace soccer. If you need your soccer games filmed, go to Trace. You only do soccer.

Soccer and baseball. We're venturing into baseball. Venturing into baseball. It's the same cameras, right? You're just filming something, right? You just really have... What do you do exactly? You do like an overhead soccer thing?

Yeah. We got a big tripod with some AI software. Okay. I think we have the same stuff for this show right here. Right now. Very good. We should start doing soccer games. That's right.

Please don't. We're not doing great. I love it. Very fun. And how do you think the scene here compares to Dallas as far as trying to break through and work out? It's hard. I mean, there's a lot of opportunity to get up,

but there's also a lot of good comics. Right. But that's good. That makes you even better, right? I'm hoping, yeah. Indeed. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? I played tennis and I just got into golf.

Oh, wow. Yeah. A lot of cool stuff I do. Wow. What do your rich parents in Dallas do for a living? They're in tech sales. Wow. Wow.

They're not. I was kidding. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Your dad's a doctor? No. He's a network engineer.

Okay. And mom is a... She got a full-time job after I graduated. I don't know exactly what she does. Oh, shit. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Coming to the stage, Mama O'Brien.

Yeah, that's right. Red O'Brien's mother. Look at her. Gave a huge pussy, everybody. Cut that out, Redby. All right. All right. Chaos.

Chaos all around us. You don't know what your mom does. Fuck. Isn't that interesting? She... I don't know. What do you think she does? She does bookkeeping?

How long do you think she's had this job that you don't know? Since like... Red Van thinks she's on Pornhub, by the way. That's what that sound means. I don't know if you know, but... Oh, she's in the CIA. Ooh. That would be cool.

Okay, okay. How long has she had this job that you don't know what it is? Since like 2018? 2018. Okay, so... All right. About four years. She created COVID.

Very good. Do you know what she was doing before this new job that you don't know? She, um... God. Wow. You hate your mother. I love my mom. Wow.

You're sad here hitting tennis balls. No. I hate you, mom. I hate you. She, um... Was like a bookkeeper, but she would have like, you know, like two or three clients. I don't know. That sounds worse.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she's not gonna like this. Your mom's in the CIA. I wouldn't know. I don't know what she does. How many of you think we should call his mom right now and ask her what she does for a living?

Give me a phone and lock her up here ASAP. I need to unlock Brett's phone. We're gonna find out once and for all what your mom does for a living. What time zone is your mom in right now? She's in Dallas. Dallas. Perfect. We're spot on.

She's still awake. Here's the phone. Unlock her. Make some noise for Yonder, everybody. Unlocking of the phone. Yonder doing the Yonder bag. Now, let me tell you how this works. You hit send on that, but you have to put it on speaker phone, turn the volume all the way up,

and you have to put it to the butt end, the bottom part of the phone. Okay? He seems terribly nervous. You're gonna be so grounded after this. What's going on? Hey, mom, you're on Kill Tony right now. It happened. What?

Yeah, and you're on speaker in front of a bunch of people. Put the wrong, you're on the wrong part. Put the ear part. Wait, is it on speaker? Are you on speaker? Do you have it on speaker? Where are you? There you go.

Okay, no, I'm on Kill Tony. Yes, and they asked me what you do for work, and unfortunately I don't know. Well, you know... Mom, that was not the right way to say that. Oh my God. What time is her shift? Sharpen up right now, mom, please. Are you on a show?

Yes, yes, you are. Should I put it on my... No, mom, just... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh my God. Please change her. Brett, stop cutting off your mother. Okay, okay.

What was she about to say? Should she put on her what? She thinks it's on live. Mom, say what you do again slowly. I am an executive assistant, a risk manager, an office manager. What else? That's it, that's fine. That's good, you covered it.

Thank you very much. We're good. Wait, why do you want to get off the phone with your mom so badly? I mean, I'll talk to you later, mom. Say bye to Tony and Joe Rogan. Bye, guys. Bye, thank you. We'll see you at the office.

Wow. That's hilarious. This is very uncomfortable for you, man. There's something that you're hiding from us. There's not much. By the way, your mom's in the mafia. I know you don't know this, but... I work in waste management, office assistant, risk management.

We take a lot of risks. What are you asking me? She's a sweet lady. You mean I'm on the fucking show right now? All right, all right, all right. Okay, she's definitely a sweet lady. We know that, Brad. I love it.

Any other fun facts about Brad O'Brien before we let you go? I think we covered most of it. Dude, you're a funny guy. Yeah. That's very funny. That condom jokes hilarious. How long have you been doing comedy for? Three years.

About three years. I'd love to have you open up the secret show Thursday. I would love to. Thank you. Look at that. You got a real stand-up gig out of it. And a big kill Tony joke book, the first of the night. Wow.

That's a funny dude. Hell yeah. That condom jokes hilarious. Hell yeah. He's on the show on Thursday now. You just watched a guy get a real gig in the industry. All right, this is exciting. Your next comedian is a door guy here at Vulcan.

We haven't seen him in quite a while. Make some noise for Monford Davis, everybody. Monford Davis. Here we go. Monford Davis. Here he comes, everybody. This is very exciting. This guy works a lot of ships here.

We know him. We love him. Let's see a new minute from him. This is Monford, everybody. I got kicked out of my parents' house when my mom found my fleshlight. I probably shouldn't have left that shit in the microwave. If you hit that 30-second button one time, it feels very real. My dad's actually the one that found my fleshlight, but he would just use it and not tell me.

So I would clean it, and then I'd go back to use it, and it's just full again. So we got to the point where it became a bonding experience between the two of us. He liked to fuck it. I liked to fuck it. So eventually, I would just hold it for him while he would fuck it. A lot of you guys have never held a fleshlight for your father, and it shows. Thank you. Monford Davis.

Wow. Very fun. Very good minute. Very funny. All on one subject. A fleshlight in a microwave. Hell yeah. Welcome back to the show.

When's the last time you were on here? October. October? Okay. Wow, it's been a long time. Welcome back, my friend. Thank you. Monford has what's going on in your life since October.

You've been working here. You, for those of you that don't know, Monford works here many nights a week, almost every night, and we do crazy-ass comedy shows here all the time. So you've been around it in a way that most places in Austin that don't hire comedians unlike Vulcan Gas Company, which took on the trade after a lot of comedy store guys moved here, which is a great thing. Anyway, how do you think that's affected your life? How's working here?

How's your life since October? I love it. It's such a blessing. I get to watch the greats night after night after night and just soak in all the wealth of knowledge. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. I appreciate it so much. Thank you guys.

I love it. How long you've been doing stand-up Monford? Three years. Three years. And where was that mostly at? In Virginia, D.C. Okay. Absolutely.

All right. And you do this for work. So what else do you do? What are you into for fun? I've been entering a bunch of sweepstakes. That is one of the greatest answers to that question I've ever gotten in the history of the show. That is incredible.

My goodness. What kind of sweepstakes have you been doing? The magazine ones or something? They're on the internet. I won this helmet from Ballpark Hot Dogs. They knew that you probably needed a helmet. That's good. It's like one of those beer helmets except it's got ketchup and mustard on it and a

little tube to squirt it. So you really put it on your head and you like squirt ketchup and mustard? Have you used it yet? I haven't used it. Wow. It's still in the box. Still in the box. My goodness.

What do you think the retail value of something like that is? 17.99. Very good. Yeah. How many sweepstakes have you signed up for and only won a baseball helmet that gives you ketchup and mustard? Probably thousands. And I guarantee you, really?

Is that true? Yeah. It's a lot. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Wow.

Look at you. What the fuck does your spam box look like? It's crazy. I mean, what the fuck is that inbox? It's the first... It's the first... Oh my God. It's the first meal and gets monkey pox.

It's incredible. Filled with viruses. Oh my God. Look at you. You're like fucking Fauci's kitchen. Just cooking up viruses on your laptop. Oh my God. Holy shit.

Monford Davis. So any other sweepstakes highlights from this life of sweepstaking? Uh, yeah. I won a Jumanji movie bundle. Oh my God. Oh my God. What comes in the bundle? Just the movies?

Like DVDs? DVDs? Yeah. Is it Blu-ray or is it DVD? It was just digital downloads. Oh my goodness. So you got to watch Jumanji, which is on like Netflix, Amazon and everything? They let you watch it?

Yeah. Welcome to the jungle. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow. Did you watch the Jumanji? You haven't used your ketchup and mustard helmet? Did you even? No.

I just, I think I just like collecting shit. I just like getting free swag. Wow. Incredible. This is, this is absolutely insane. Uh, so what else other than sweepstaking? What else have you been doing? I've been playing some, some virtual red band.

Okay. Yeah. Is there anything that you've done not on a computer in front of you? Have you literally ever done anything else? I went, I went with Devin over here and saw Trace the Lion play on a party barge at Lake Travis is better. A party barge? Yeah.

Oh my goodness. Band's playing. I'd imagine that your social anxiety must have been bumping pretty hard. Yeah, it was. Yeah. And can you tell us about that? What it's, what, what's it like being on a barge with other people? Well, she told me there was going to be a lot of hot girls there and there, there, there

was a, there was a really tall girl. And I feel like that was the one she was trying to match me with. And I just, I didn't end up talking to her and I, yeah. Are you sure she said hot girls and not hot dogs? Because I'd imagine for a guy like you with a helmet with ketchup and mustard, that could be quite the barge to party on. Yeah. Thank you, Michael, so much for ending that torture that I was in there.

The sweet release. That's like assisted suicide right there. Thank you, Michael. All right. Monford, give us one more fun fact about you. You're, it's interesting. You seem like a real like homebody, but I'm guessing that there's something else that you're into.

You hook up with ladies a lot? No, not that much. Okay. Not that much really. No. Okay. What else? I like speaking Spanish.

Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. Let's hear some Spanish. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Oh, shit.

Yeah. All right. We got the order and it's going to be ready in like 45 minutes. Absolutely incredible. Monford, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Whoa. Look at that. Very funny, man.

Very funny. Wow. Back to back. Monford, do you have one of these yet? He's already got one from October. There goes Monford Davis, everyone. Unbelievable. Back to back additions to the Thursday secret show.

Right now, Klaus Schwab Jr. is like, what about me? I thought we were friends. All right. Thanks so much for your next comedian, Kyle Trek, everybody. Kyle Trek. Here he comes, everyone. You guys still having fun out there? Huh?

What's up, Austin, Texas? One more time for your next comedian, Kyle Trek, everyone. I come from a long line of just terrible fucking people, OK? Like, on my dad's side of the family, we got career military men. So just fucking killers, right? Just murdering bitches. And then on my mom's side of the family, we got the simple street crime shit, you know,

shit like crack whores and regular whores, you know, just to cover the bases. And I swear to God, I'm not like these people, OK? I love people. I enjoy people. A lot like I enjoy food, you know? Like, sir, how old are you? 28.

28, OK. You're 28, and you've got a 28-year-old jug of milk in the back of the fridge. What do you do? Throw it out. Exactly. You throw the fuck out. That's my opinion on people. If you're older than the shit I got in my fridge, you gotta go.

Like, how old is this baby? 10 days? My guacamole's bad. Get the fuck out of here. Y'all motherfuckers just lucky. I got a 100-year-old bottle of scotch in the freezer and I haven't developed a drinking problem, OK? Kyle Track came out guns a-blazin'.

I thought that was gonna go differently. How about a hand for Kyle, everybody? Make some noise for him. You're absolutely adorable. Did you shoot David Lucas and take his clothes from him? That is incredible that you guys would dress like that even though you look like you would march opposite ways at a rally. You guys are wearing the exact same thing

and you look like you would gun him down if he walked across your front lawn late at night. The broken-down car. That is incredible, Kyle. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on? It is. You look both young and old.

Weird combination. Yeah, how old are you? 27. 27, beautiful. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since 2020. 2020, very good. OK.

And 27, 2020, how do you make a living? I... I know it's not tech sales, motherfucker. I'm not bay-ying it. No way. See what I mean? Yeah. No, man.

I'll just door-dash, make enough money to float by and do this for a living. I love it. I love it. Absolutely. Out here, surviving. We've seen this before. So, Kyle, are you from here, Austin?

No. I'm what you call an I-75, baby. So, like, name a spot up and down I-75 by fucking bin there. Well, perfect. I can't. So, I have no idea. That could be Alaska.

That could be South Texas. You assume everybody knows exactly where I-75 is? It's a pretty big highway. People tend to know. To you, it's a big highway. It goes all the way from Michigan down to Florida. Oh, yeah. That's why I don't know about it.

Perfect. It doesn't run through Ohio, though, right? Oh, yeah. That's where I came from to come to Texas. I used to be in Toledo. Toledo. But 75 doesn't run through there. 71 in 76.

It runs around it, like, it in 475. So, it doesn't run through Ohio. It does? It does, yeah. Toledo or Cincinnati? Toledo and both Cincinnati, both. It runs from both. It runs down both?

It's on the side. Oh, I do know that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I drove that with a red band in Tiffany Haddish 11 years ago. Yeah. Just three complete unknowns out there. Yeah.

Puking out the window. Puking out of windows 11 years ago. Hungover is all shit, driving down 75. Now I know. Yeah. Absolutely. Did you ever see Tiffany Haddish throwing up Long John Silvers out of the window when we were there 11 years ago?

Yeah. I have no idea who that is. Oh, perfect. Wow. I love that. Absolutely. Racists confirmed everyone. That's all it takes.

One of the most famous black women in the world right now, but he's like Michelle Obama, never heard of her. Queen Latifah, not in my kingdom. Wow. This is incredible. Oh, my goodness. I've never seen anything like you or your camo sweatpants before. This is amazing.

This is like an eclipse of wild. Thank you for having me here, man. No, I love it. So Kyle, you're doing Door Dash. What do you like to do in Austin? How long have you been here specifically? I've been here for three weeks. Three weeks?

I love it. And you live here full time. What's your living situation? In the car. In the car. Okay. Very nice. What kind of car are we talking about?

Nissan Versa. Nissan Versa. Okay. That's a tight squeeze. You want backseat fetal position or driver seat back? I kind of got to set up that just everything's flat in the back behind the chair, so I just kind of... So backseat.

Yeah. Very good. That's cool. I understand that. That's good that you have enough stabilization. See, we deal with enough people that sleep in their cars where this is like a normal talk. I know there's only so many ways to sleep in the backseat of a car. So that's good.

So that's fun. And were you sleeping in your car before moving to Austin? No. I was living with my mom. I bought her a house and I lost mine, so I lived with her. So wait, how'd you buy your mom a house and lose yours at the same time? Lots of working and poor life choices. Yeah.

Let's talk about those poor life choices here for a second. Because that sounds a lot more exciting than the working part. I just got interested. Yeah. Tell us more about the poor life choices. It's really hard to hold down a job when every five weeks you're telling your boss to go fuck themselves. Okay. So what would a boss have to do for you to tell them that?

Anything. Like, good morning. I'm tired of seeing your fucking face. Get out of here. Wow. Okay. This is very exciting. Do you have an AK-47 or any other semi-automatic weapons?

About the biggest gun I own is a Remington 12 gauge that my uncle died building. Okay. And you keep that in a Nissan Versa? Holy shit. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Cut it out. Your uncle died building a shotgun? Yeah. The last gun he ever finished before he died. Is that just what he wrote you in the note that he left right before it went off? No. Like this dude could arm World War III by himself. He spent his entire life with fucking guns.

And that's just the last one he made before he crapped out. Did he work at Remington? Is that what you're saying? No. He owned his own gun store. And he was just putting together a gun? Yeah. And he had a heart attack or something?

No. He went septic. He just stopped taking care of himself. And just how old was he? Was he like I-75? Too old for me to give a shit? I thought he died in the process of doing it like it blew up. That's it.

It sounded like that. Like he blew up. I see. I misled you. I apologize. Did it sound like that? I apologize. It's okay.

So tell us. You're working DoorDash. How does a guy like you survive? Tell us some about some of your budgetary restrictions. A lot of people find this very fascinating. There's a lot of listeners to this show that never chase their dreams, that always sort of had it safe. Either they lived with their parents and went straight to a good, safe job that they might

hate. So tell them the sacrifices that you're making. Try to give us an example. I used to split a $5 foot long throughout the day. I'd eat half six inches for lunch, six inches for the evening. David Lucas would make a great joke about my asshole right now if he was here. Six inches at 3 AM, six inches at 5 AM, eight inches at noon. Shut up.

All right. I'll show you guys. I'm going to whistle with my tight asshole right now. You assholes. Deez, you haven't set up. Here we go. Here we go. One, two, three.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you. That was perfect. Perfectly executed. John Deez has switched to what I call blacker face tonight, because they mask that he wears sometimes. All right.

Okay. Okay. So tell us about some of your sacrifices as far as, I'm really lucky that I love peanut butter. Ooh. That just goes straight hand in the fucking jar, winning the poo style on some peanut butter. Wow.

I love that. Good source of my protein there. That's very good. So how many, you go through like a jar a day? Yeah. Like a whole fucking party tray of like saltine crackers. Wow. Look at that.

Crackers and peanut butter. Joe, what do you think about this? It's a good strategy. If you don't have much money and you want a lot of food, peanut butter and bread. Yep. That's a dirty little order. And if you get crazy, get some jelly in that bitch. Yeah.

Let's go. Yeah. It's hard keeping the jelly fucking not like putrid rancid in the hot ass car in Texas. Right. Yeah. I've learned that. I've laced it two jars of jelly so far. Yeah.

It's an interesting fun fact that a lot of people don't think of. There's no refrigerator in a car. Anything that you have cannot be perishable at all. Just sprinkle a little Kool-Aid on the peanut butter. It tastes the same. That's what I used to do. Wow. Red band with a little fat man knowledge here.

That's incredible. The poor man's peanut butter and jelly. Red band knows shortcuts to every food. He's like a guy that spent 20 years in prison. He's like, oh, you don't have cheese for your pizza. Crumble up some nacho Doritos. This guy's like fat guy Elon Musk over here. He's like, it's true.

We can build. We can build a pasta dish. All right. Kyle, I love it. You're very, very, very interesting. You have a real good energy to you, I noticed. You came up guns a blaze and I love how you owned your personality. I think that there's a lot of untapped funny shit about you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Okay. Sign up again. Do another minute sometime. There he goes. Kyle Trek, everybody.

That's real Texas leather there, my friend. Bones Eye. Follow him on Instagram, B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. We haven't had a lady up tonight. Should I pull until I get a girl up here, huh? I think we should get a female comedian here tonight. Equal opportunities. Is Imani a girl?

Imani a Sami? Is that a girl or a guy? That's a guy. Forget it. That's a guy. Don't come. Imani a Sami? Is that a female?

Oh, shit. Hell yeah. Here she comes, everybody. Imani a Sami. The Kill Tony debut. Hi. I gender identify as Michael Jackson. My pronouns are, hee hee.

My dad used to forcibly fart on my face. My auntie is bisexual. I used to think Bigfoot was sexy. I used to think Bigfoot was sexy. I used to think Bigfoot was sexy so much so that I thought that a big, hairy, strong, natural man could really take care of me. And it's not that crazy to believe in Bigfoot. I'm sorry.

You're okay. Did you have more? Did you want to finish it? I mean, I was just going to say that it's not crazy to believe in Bigfoot because he's hairy and refuses to shave and just like women refuse to shave too. I had like something else too. But yeah, this is my first time doing this. Very good.

Imani a Sami. Her standup comedy debut. Her Kill Tony debut. Welcome to the show. Thank you. You look like you're here to protest Joe Rogan being here. Oh, I love Joe. I was so nervous.

This is what Joe sees in his nightmares when he falls asleep watching CNN like, what? No. I love Joe. I was absolutely freaked out because my boyfriend showed me Joe's set on Bigfoot. So I was like, oh, no, I can't. I'm here with my boyfriend today. We actually came from Atlanta. Oh, sweet.

I love it. How long have you wanted to do standup? This is my first time ever doing it. But how long have you wanted to do it before you did it? Two years. I'm a musician. So I'm writing my album right now. I just left Atlanta.

What kind of music do you do? Pop, jazz. I rap. Okay. If they gave you something, would you do something for us? I got two chords. Sing or rap beat? Okay.

So it's like two chords and it should be A minor and then... Oh, shit. Wow. A minor. Jeffrey Epstein has entered the chat. Let's go. Stupid. Cheesy.

Cheesy. He's dead. It doesn't even make sense. A minor and D diminished too. D diminished too? Oh, shit, girl. Hold on. She might be making shit up.

Can we verify? Yeah, the band knows what's going on. John Deez's mask got a little bit blacker when she said that. You hate when I'm around, around, around But you keep coming around, around, around You hate when I'm around, around, around But you keep coming around, around, around Well, if I'm being honest

Don't like the tone in your voice Hate it when you say you hate When you know you're doing me wrong Wanna go out every night Have a lady by your side Hate it when you act like you Don't know how your baby feels on the inside Oh, why?

How could I be the apple of your eye When you bought another girl in your face every night You said you loved me But I know that that's a lie Got my heart tied up this night When I'm around, around, around But you keep coming around, around, around You hate when I'm around, around, around

But you keep coming around, around, around, around Wow, wow, wow Fuck yeah Fuck yeah Wow What a bundle of charisma The music is amazing You're like Erica Bad Jokes

Yes, exactly Yeah, that's a fucking good one That's a fucking good one A lot of these white people don't know who Erica Bad Jokes is But I just made a, I just made a Winnie Winnie I'm so glad I'm here though I roller skate and I make videos on TikTok So we almost have a million followers

Wow Only 13 million likes I love it, where can people find that at? TikTok at Imani Asami, Imani X-Nic everywhere I spelled that out so people can go there Okay, I-M-A-N-I-X-N-I-C-K Now let me ask you this You said that your boyfriend and you came here from Atlanta

Did he sign up? Yes What's his name? Nicholas Grimes Should we see Nicholas Grimes before the end of the night? Oh my god, baby, get here Ladies and gentlemen, doing an uninterrupted minute of stand-up comedy Makes some noise for Nicholas Grimes

All the way from Atlanta, Georgia Here with the lovely Imani Asami Come on, make some noise for Nicholas Grimes, everybody What's up, guys? I grew up with an alcoholic mom a lot of my life Having an alcoholic mom is pretty cool sometimes You know, like, especially when you're playing Little League Baseball, you know

I'll just be up there pitching You can hear a person out of a kid in the background like You better fucking, you better fucking do it I'm sorry, guys It's not cool having an alcoholic mom at your friend's birthday party You know, everybody's in a bounce house jumping around And your mom's just throwing up in the bushes Everybody's just like, what's wrong with your mom?

And you know, you just say like, she has cancer But, um, yeah Sex is just like the end of a door explorer episode You know, your girlfriend asks you, what was your favorite part? Hola And you're just like, when I came, of course And then she just sits there, disappointingly, for two minutes I like that part, too

Yeah, thanks, guys, I've been there Nicholas Grimes with exactly a minute Hell yeah You are not the type of guy I expected to see when Imani said that her boyfriend was here I didn't realize she was in a lesbian relationship This is so cool This is so great

I'm very excited that the point guard from every WNBA team Was able to join us here tonight Now I'm just kidding Don't moan Oh yeah, my name's Nicole So my sister's just calling me all the time I love it, I like your style Thank you

Absolutely, you are incredible I love it, so how long have you two been together? Five years Five years, super charismatic couple Our birthday's on the same day this Saturday Wow, look at that, how cool How long are you guys in town for? Today's our last day

Tomorrow we're going to New Mexico We're going to spend it in the white sand desert Oh shit, alright Okay, somewhere there's a white couple Going to the black sand deserts right now That's what's incredible The universe works in mysterious ways The deserts aren't the only thing white in New Mexico

I promise you, you're going to find out I love it What do you do for work, Nicholas? I just put my job three months ago UPS, I worked there for four years Yeah, we got hit in a Chick-fil-A parking lot Wait, what happened in a Chick-fil-A parking lot? We got hit by a car

And we got a good amount of money from the settlement Oh shit Hell yeah Was it from the person that hit you or Chick-fil-A? The person that hit us Okay Wow Absolutely incredible

Well good for you guys I just put my job and we're going on a road trip That's what everybody dreams of Everybody dreams of getting hit by a car In a Chick-fil-A parking lot And getting to quit their job Live the American dream Just drive west

Incredible Drive in Atlanta You guys are absolutely adorable I'm glad that you guys right before your birthday Got pulled out like this This is my first time doing stand-up too I know, we know We're pros at this point

And let me tell you For first times both of you were very fucking impressive I'm glad you swung by tonight Here's a couple really big joke books for Bones Eye Amazing stuff, super cool Thank you so much for coming by Thanks so much for your money and Nicholas everybody Come on

Come on Racists, join in and clapping for our friends Come on Make this Karen ear clap for the black couple Oh my god That was the cutest couple ever man Yeah, absolutely I love that

I want to watch them fuck I guarantee you I guarantee you That guy's on bottom the whole time Both ways, just up and down She's fucking the shit out of that guy Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this It is with the longest standing regular in the history of the show

Some people call him the Memphis Strangler Some people call him the Big Red Machine I call him William Montgomery No more abortions What is this, the Supreme Court or the Supremes Court? Baby love, my babe Okay I was hoping that part would make people laugh if I tried to see that

Ellen, did you enter as old girl for an ant hash just died in a terrible car crash And I've heard Ellen is taking it very hard I guess there's a first time for everything She's a fucking lesbian Imagine if you were a ghost and you found out that in the last election You voted for Joe Biden four times Wait, so there are a bunch of assassins headed this way That is Jeffrey Epstein calling Prince Andrew from prison

Okay, that's it Yeah William Montgomery, how about a hand for William everybody? That's some funny shit, dude Thank you, thank you Nobody does it quite like him, a very interesting method I loved the Supremes show That Ellen DeGeneres joke is a fucking keeper

That's a keeper, goddammit That's hilarious You set it up perfectly, William has an interesting style Where he hides really, really great jokes after really stupid jokes So the Supremes, I'm like, wait, what? And then the baby love and only people that like dumb shit laughed And then all of a sudden, boom A crazy Ellen DeGeneres joke after everybody's like

I really have to listen to fucking catch this And then boom, you hit us with an unbelievable joke All a part of my plan I really planned these things out I was planning it out for like five hours earlier Part of my plan, so I'm glad you caught on to that, Tony Heck yeah Seriously, people don't fucking appreciate enough what I fucking do up here

I swear to god I was just in fucking Miami this past weekend With Doug and Trussell opening up shows for him It was a great time I'm proud to say I bagged two Puerto Ricans In three Venezuelans You bagged them? Literally put them in bags

After I fucking joked them Wow, he's been strangling people That's why they call me the Memphis Strangler, Joe I fucking strangled him The Venezuelans really put up a fight It got really weird Really? Yeah

Wow Now, these people that you are confessing to murder to right now Where did you find them? Where did you meet these? At a soccer field I just... I thought in Miami I'm gonna go to a fucking soccer field I'll be able to find some short little Venezuelans to fucking Attack after they're real tired fucking playing a bunch of soccer

It's the best fucking place to go Yeah, just go to a fucking soccer field in Miami You'll be able to find some Venezuelans That's stupid I fucking strangled him Wow So William, very very interesting Strangling soccer players

You put a lot of thought into it They are tired after playing soccer Yeah, I thought about it for like five hours before the thing I was like, where am I gonna be able... Okay, I thought that was gonna be funnier Let's move on I thought if I repeated that Yeah, call back

What fucking idiot just said that? Oh shit William found somebody he doesn't like in the audience We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen When he's in a bad mood, he yells at somebody When he's in a good mood, he winks at the audience We've seen the winks before The audience is always like, oh, there's one

Oh my goodness, there's another Oh, there's the sound that ha... Oh, he just landed one on Joe Literally the dumbest show on Planet Earth You're out right now You need it Red Band, stop doing it so fucking fast I can't blink that fast, dude

Red Band, that's enough Dumbass This is his first shot at Red Band We've seen this before, folks I noticed that you didn't do any references to Red Band's mother Or Apex Twin, this set Very interesting change What's up with that?

Why are you even asking him that, Tony? Now he's just going to say something about my mom or Apex Twin Well, Red Band, the master of comedy Uh, I mean... Geez, wait a minute No, I mean, like, I'm kind of over it, you know Every mom... My mom actually found out about all this shit, like, lately

What'd she say? Stop it, or I'm going to die of laughter if you keep going What'd she say? I'm sorry, Red Band, I apologize to you recently One, she told me I shouldn't curse as much And then she was very disappointed in you Because, uh... In me? Yeah

For what? For letting it happen And she told me to stand up for myself And I get into William's face And smack him, she told me to smack him Oh, my goodness Are you going to fucking do it? Oh!

Are you going to fucking do it? Whoa! I don't know what's going on here Oh, my God Whoa! Red Band What an awful fake I thought you were really maybe going to do it

It seemed like you were going to let him do it I know, I was thinking, I really do, Joe I talk too much shit about his mom She actually is very sick So I need to quit talking She literally, I think she has like two weeks to fucking live So I've decided... Two months, William

Two months to live, I thought I'd fucking quit talking About that old fucking dirtbag lady fucking She has two months left to live I mean, I have to stop, Red Band, I genuinely apologize You just called her a dirtbag When you were apologizing At the same time Wow

Joe, this is not normally how I am, okay? This is... I was fucking strangling Dennis Wakeland! Wow Imagine if that's all true I know I know, what if it is? I mean, he puts a lot of thought into it

He does it when he's on the road He's obviously waiting until these people are exhausted Yeah, you got to really think about it I mean, it's a perfect time to attack somebody So that's what I did And I'm not proud of it I swear to God I'm going to stop doing it I need to stop

I mean, I'm going to get fucking caught one of these days People are already on my ass I talk about it way too much on ear, I think Since I talk a bunch of shit all the time That people are going to think I'm just kidding around But I'm not kidding around I mean, I have to stop doing it I promise you, I'm going to stop

How many people have you murdered now, William? 13 I'm not proud of it I swear to God, I'm going to stop I promise you, I'm going to get caught I'm going to get fucking caught That's the last thing I fucking need How am I going to keep strangling people

I feel like I get fucking caught by the police Did Yoplay find out about all this? Oh, shit Yoplay's not a sponsor anymore Oh, wow, that only lasted one week, huh? Yeah, I mean, they're just not a sponsor The huge sponsorship I had fell through They were mad about me talking about killing people

I've actually lost most of my sponsorships Because I talk about killing people Costco, that's gone Fucking Raisin' Bread, that's gone Yoplay's gone WNBA gone MLB gone NBA gone

NFL gone NHL I had all these fucking contracts And then I fucking come up here and talk about killing Oh, it's a mistake, I need to stop doing it I'm losing It looks like you have a cool shirt with ducks on it, though I've been getting on eBay a bunch

I searched for XL Vintage Duck T-shirt That's how I found this one In case anybody was curious Yeah, just type in Duck XL Vintage T-shirt on eBay They have a bunch of them In case you were curious How loud can this place get for the great William Montgomery? I did it again

So much fun The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in He draws every single episode of the show Those prints are available at RyanJEbelt.com Be sure you follow him on social media Every episode of the show Guys, how loud can this place get For our guest, Austin's own Joe Rogan?

Ah, come on! God damn it! One of my best pals One of the best podcasters, comedians Thank you so much for joining us My pleasure This is the best live comedy show that's ever existed Thank you

I truly believe that Thank you so much You're running an amazing show Your timing is off the hook It's always a pleasure being here You're the best at this Thank you, Joe Rogan everybody You know him

One more time for the band, everybody That's Matt Mueling D-Madness, John Dees The great Michael Gonzalez And Paul Deemer on the horns Great band, we did it again I love you guys Thank you so much

Good night everybody Thank you Thank you