KILL TONY - #574 - JOE ROGAN + SHANE GILLIS + MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR

Episode Date: September 10, 2022

Joe Rogan, Shane Gillis, Ari Shaffir, Mark Normand, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/29/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also.

So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff.

Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Hey, this is Raymond coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, here's Tony HinchCliff.

You can't see him. You guys ready for the best night of your motherfucking lives or what? Yeah. Yeah. Fucking, did we blow out the lights? Is that what happened? Holy shit.

You guys ready to do the best goddamn podcast the dark has ever seen? Oh, my goodness. Tonight, we make history. Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. The two best strip clubs in the world are here in Austin, Texas.

Proud supporters of the show. Also, Austin Legends, Deep Eddie Vodka. We love them. They are the very best vodka in the world. Also, they happen to be from here in Austin, Texas. What are we looking at, Yoni? We have an analysis on what's going on with the lights. Is anybody communicating with anybody?

Welcome to Vulcan Gas Company, our temporary shithole. This is entertainment purgatory, everybody. This is where you go when you make too many racial slurs in your career. We shouldn't have gas-powered lights either. Why would we want them? Red Band Zoo for one so far here tonight. That's a big swing and a miss.

Gas-powered lights, everybody. This is the thunder that he starts with. Who knows where we will go from here? Like literally, like blow on it and you know something. Thank you. This is actually exciting. I actually like it because it's different. How about a hand for Christie, our human lighting system?

See people holding lights. Absolutely. These aren't the only blacked out things you're going to see tonight. I promise you that. You'll see what I'm talking about in just a moment. Before we start tonight's show, how could I forget? How about a hand for the band, everybody?

Come on. The Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony Band, brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Motherfucking Whiskey. That's Paul Deemer on the horns right there. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar.

And that's D-Madness on the bass right down the middle there. His glass is not lit up for the first time ever somehow. The perfect, there it is. Hell yeah, literally 12% of the light being provided on the show brought to you by D-Madness's blind man sunglasses, everybody. Very, very exciting. You have to love the technology here.

I can almost hear the owner's excuses happening. It was just so electric in there that the power went out. It's a good thing. No, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. OK, one of the guests is Ari Shafir, everybody. Show business guru, Ari Shafir, coming in whenever he wants to. Because that's awesome. That's one of your guests, everybody.

I think you can see where this is all going. Food in hand. It's your house lights? I mean, are you trying to do something? Is anybody working on anything back there? You have no lights? I see the lighting guy is actually lit up. He's one of the only people lit up.

He's got his own lights. Christie's gone, so there goes me. Congratulations to the people that just listened to the podcast and don't watch on YouTube. You are in heaven right now. I mean, this is truly, this is what it would be like if D-Madness hosted the show instead of played bass. Anyway, before we start tonight's episode,

here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again.

September 29th through October 1st, Nashville, Tennessee. October 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. October 14th and 15th, I am in Boston, Massachusetts. November 4th and 5th, New York, New York. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com.

All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now, get tickets while you still can. You know, we do everything on our phones nowadays. Some of you watch Kill Tony, some of you listen to Kill Tony, some of you buy things, you get groceries now, you can order a car, you send pics to your friends. The scary part is that your phone carrier

collects data on whatever it is you're doing. Verizon has even admitted to it. They say it so that they can better understand your interests. But really, all they want is to sell your activity to advertisers, stuff like the sites you visited and what you've been up to online. The more they can get on you, the larger their paycheck becomes,

which is why we use ExpressVPN. Er, red bin. ExpressVPN is an app that prevents your phone carrier from being able to see the sites you visit and then they turn around and sell up to the third parties. All it takes is one tap of a button and all of your network data gets encrypted and rerouted through ExpressVPN secure servers.

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You can either keep letting them cash in on you or visit expressvpn.com slash killtony to get the same VPN that we use. Take back your privacy online today and use our link to get three extra months for free. That's expresvpn.com slash k-i-l-l-t-o-n-y. Do it now, go to expressvpn.com slash killtony. Hey, y'all, we have a very, very,

very special announcement. Get your airline tickets. Now, we are warning you ahead of time. This will sell out. The Killtony 10-year anniversary is amongst us and it is happening at a state of the art theater in Austin, Texas, ACL Live, the Moody Theater, June 10th, 2023.

And we wanna give you, our Die Hard fans, a chance to get tickets first. And so, we are here right now letting you, the people that actually listen to the ads, the true Die Hards, know that tickets will go on sale September 14th at 10 a.m. Below this video, there is a ticket link that you should click on

and then use the promo code Killtony starting Wednesday, September 14th at 10 a.m. On Friday, September 16th at 10 a.m., tickets go on sale to the general public. Get your tickets now! You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Every single week, we have some of the funniest people in the world on the show.

This week is no different. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your guests, Ari Shafir, Mark Norman, and Shane Gillis! Here's Mark Norman. Alcohol is on everybody. Shane, my turn. All right, sit down. Yoni, go get my papers from the green room.

Yo. Yo, Shane passed out like a fucking pussy. How about a hand for Ari and Mark, everybody? They're here. He's eating. We're gonna have fun tonight. These are some of the best comedians on Planet Earth. And Shane Gillis, everybody.

Look at this, he's really here. Absolutely incredible. Yes! Shane Gillis is back on the show, everybody. Welcome, gentlemen. A long day, they just finished six and a half hours of the Protect Our Parks podcast, in which I don't want to give anything away,

but this doesn't come out for two weeks. Joe Rogan vomited today on the show, so this is... Oh, yeah. Put Joe Rogan in a motherfucking body bag. How did it happen? Like, why did he puke? All the steroids kicked in. Yes.

Yes, indeed. We drank too much. It's a side effect of ivermectin. Welcome back to the show, guys. I'm so excited that you're here. You guys know how it works. We are blessed with the company of three of my favorite fucking New Yorkers.

A bunch of people signed up for the chance to perform 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy on this stage. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. You guys ready to start this show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian

doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight is a regular on this show. He started in a van a year ago, and now he is an all-out superstar jetting around the country, opening up in arenas for the now-deceased Joe Rogan. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

Hey. It's good to be here with a penis. The genitals of champions and men and women's sports. Biden recently forgave $10,000 in student loans. $20,000 if you have a Pell Grant. $30,000 if you let him sniff your hair. I think it's weird how in yoga studios

they make you bring in your own yoga mat. Like, why don't you make your floor out of yoga mats? Why are you making me bring in the floor to your business? It's like you go to an ice skating rink and they make you bring in a piece of ice. But that's my time. Thank you very much. Very good. 53 seconds of thunder and lightning

from the great Hans Kim. Very tough position to write a new minute every week and do it on the internet like that and you do it somehow. I love that yoga joke. Thank you, Tony. I recently did it today. You did what? Yoga or the joke? Yoga. Both.

Okay. You did yoga today. What did you learn? I learned that women are strong in different ways. Wow. Very good. Naturally misogynistic response by Hans Kim. Wow. What can they do that men can't do?

They can cross their legs over their legs like this thing. Oh. Seems like you can do that too. Oh, here comes yoga specialist, Ari Shafir. Drunk as a scholar, everybody. Drunken yoga with Ari.

I don't know why he's making that face. I don't think that's part of it. Downward facing pigeon or something like that. I love it. Ari, very, very flexible. So Hans, what else happened at yoga? What else is going on in life? I've been hanging out with two beautiful ladies

recently. Jenna and her mother. You're hanging out with a lady and her mom? What are we talking about here, Hans? They're two beautiful ladies from Rhode Island. They have a very good weed. Where did you meet them?

At a kill Tony. Uh-huh. And so what have you been doing with them? Just having a lot of platonic fun. Are they here? Yeah. Hey. Show yourself whores.

Did you get them in the show tonight for free? I did, yeah. You did? All right, I got to see these two. I got to see this mother and daughter. Bring them up here. What are their names, Hans? Bring them on stage right now. It's Jenna and her mother.

Okay, here they come, everybody. Here we are. Jenna and her mother. Jenna seems a lot more excited to come on stage than the mom does. Let's see what's happening here exactly. Hey, how are you? Welcome to one of the last shows

that openly judges women in public. All right, there's Jenna. Oh, wow. The mom's hug was longer. Hell yeah. Which one's the mom? I'm kidding. You rarely see the Asian guy winning the porn.

This is nice. This is incredible. Did somebody order delivery? Man, you guys are so hot. Why are you guys getting tricked by this? You guys don't have to be tricked by this. You guys are getting... You guys are hot as shit.

You know? Rhode Island's a small state. Incredible. What's the mom's name? I want to talk to the mom for a second. Hello, what's your name? You seem like a Sydney or something like that. Julie. Julie.

Tricky, tricky little psychic type of name. What's the first half? It's Jew. That's a Jew reference. Julie, what are you doing in Austin, Texas? Why are you visiting from Rhode Island? To see Kill Tony. Oh, that's a good answer.

Rock solid. Yes, indeed. What do you normally... What do you do for a living in Rhode Island? I work for the state of Rhode Island. Oh, okay. I'm about to get you fired. That's great. And not anymore, you don't. The state of Rhode Island.

My goodness. And the state of Rhode... Remind me, what is the population of Rhode Island? I'm pretty sure there's more people in this room right now. Yeah. Just about a million people. Okay. Very good. So about the same as Austin.

Very good. Okay. And how about your daughter? What does she do for work? I'm a psych nurse. A psych nurse? Okay. Have you found anything wrong with... That is the Pornhub song, everybody. That's what... That's what Red Band thinks a psych nurse does.

I love it. So what exactly does a psych nurse do? It's like someone comes in injured and you're like, I'm going to help you psych and then you don't. Stupid. Super cheesy. Thank you for that. Thank you for that, Michael. I know that did work. It's a miracle.

I liked it. A miracle on 6th Street that that one worked. Wait, but you guys know who Hans Kim is? And you guys like traveled here and you're like, hopefully Hans Kim takes a liking to us? What a sad fucking existence, dude. That sucks. That sucks. You know you're better than him?

You know that? Yeah. Don't get tricked. You're better than him. You're better than that. Come on. You guys dumb as shit? Are you guys dumb? Come on. Wake up, idiots. You getting tricked by this moron?

Come on. I love it. I love it. Do I either one of you have any special talents or anything like that? Like if this was like a pageant, what would you do? Yeah, my husband's dead. No. I mean, obviously.

Psych. Right? Definitely. That's a good chicken. Wait, you do a good chicken buck? How many of you want to see her chicken buck right now? I don't know what this means exactly, but...

Oh, shit. Whoa. Wow. Welcome to the dumbest show on planet Earth, everybody. Wow. I love it. I love it. Wow.

You guys are good spirits. Hand the microphone back to Hans Kim. How about a hand for the amazing Julie and... What is it? Jen? Jen. Jen, do you ever look into someone's tongue and go,

come on, just fucking swallow it? Have about one more time for Jen and Julie, everybody. There they go. Hans going in for an awkward side hug there on the mom. I'd imagine that's a lot of their friendship. I'd imagine like 80% of them hanging out is just like,

hey, how are you? Oh, you... Hans. Hans, what's with the second button today? Oh, I just felt like more loose and free, you know, trying to be cool. Yeah, try harder. I love it.

Okay, so who do you think you're going to end up hooking up with out of the two of them? I mean, I think Jenna is very nice and Julie is also very nice. Oh, yeah. So you're still 50-50. You're just playing it right down the middle. Literally whichever one will do anything.

Your game. Yeah, maybe both. Whoa. 0% chance of that happening. Hans Kim, you did it again. That guy does that job every goddamn week. It is not easy.

You're about to find out how not easy it is right now as I reach into the bucket and pick out an absolute stranger, someone who we don't know at all, and we're going to all meet them together after they do 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. You guys ready for this? Yeah.

Make some noise for your first comedian out of the bucket tonight, Alex Baldham, everybody. Alex Baldaw, or Baldham. Here he comes. Big L. This first time on the show,

make some noise for Alex, everybody. All right. How we doing, guys? Hey. Oh, I just drove over here last month from Charleston, South Carolina. Yeah, had to drive through the southeast. You see some weird shit driving through the southeast, you know?

Saw a psychics office in Alabama. I think that's what it was. It was spelled physics. How the hell are you going to read my future when you can't fucking read regular, man? Come on. Oh, the last leg of the trip was my birthday,

37 now. It's weird. All my friends, they're settling down, having kids. I got a dog that's more my speed. Yeah. They always tell me I don't love my dog like I did, which is a weird gamble. But they always say

you're not going to know real love until you look into that kid's first and do that kid's eyes that very first time. I bet a lot of people told Casey Anthony that, too. I know. Guys, guys, I shouldn't joke about postpartum depression. I get it.

You could get any one of us in here. Got the big guy upstairs one time, remember? We drown all those kids in the bathtub except for Noah. All right, Alex. Getting a laugh there, right? Just off of Caden's alone at the end. It sounded like it deserved a laugh.

I'm not sure if it was funny at all, though. Alex, I'm sensing a lot of nervous energies here. Nervous for sure, bro. How long you been doing this for? Three years. You hate to hear that. Ballsy move. Sorry, 34?

Yeah, it's your fault, actually. You told me to do it for the first time. Oh, wow. Ari. Oh, my God. Nice job, Ari. I wasn't going to bring it up. I apologize. I apologize. I was wrong.

I'm a man. I know what I'm wrong. I'm sorry to the public. This is why Hitler had a good point. I can't argue right now. Look what you started, Ari. This is incredible. One more thing that the Jews started along with the banking system and

all innovation. Alex, you are not good at this. Where have you been the whole time? I was in Charleston, South Carolina. We had like one mic a week. Right, I hate Charleston, South Carolina. That's where I sold that on the phone.

Alex, you're going to make it, dude. I love it. You're my people. Drunk people fucking love me. I don't know about you guys, but when I look at Alex, on a Netflix special being like, dude, I can't wait to watch one hour of this guy talking. Yeah.

Oh, man. I'm just fucking around, dude. Nobody would ever watch that. Nobody will ever see it. This is going to be a quiet ride back to South Carolina. Oh, no, I moved out here. Oh, you moved here? Yeah, fucking mistakes were made.

You should get a handgun. Then people pay attention to you. You're fucking right. I'm from South Carolina. I know how that works. Then you come to a show and you say, do you think it was funny when you made fun of me about my dreams? Yeah. And then you shoot motherfuckers, dude.

Yeah. Once you start shooting people. There you go. You can practice it. There you go. Shoot a school. You'll get on the news. Yeah. It's good. You're okay. It's safe. That was a gift from Alec Baldwin.

It's okay. Alex, let's talk about it. How long have you lived in Austin? About a month and a half. And what have you learned about this city so far? What do you think about it? What's the difference between here and Charles? It's like a lot bigger.

It's actually more similar to Columbia, South Carolina. Those are observations. They have money in class. Those observations is why you're such a good kid. No, I'm fucking horrible right now. I'm so sorry. Alex, what do you do for a living? How do you make money?

I'm just living the dream, man. I got t-boned by a cop in Charleston. Whoa. I got t-boned by a police officer. You got a settlement? Yeah. It was sick. Wow. Nice.

I've done more to defund the police than any march. Hey, look at that. See, I can do it. You got one. There he is. There's a three-year comedy veteran right there. Once a week for three years. That's where it gets you.

Yeah. I know a mom in Rhode Island that'll fuck you. Nice. For sure. So you got t-boned by a cop where he's like lights and sirens on? Not until the point of impact. What?

Not until the point of impact. The lights and sirens cut on as he hit me. Really? 25 down King Street. That's like a 25. And they have it on video. Wow. Incredible. Did you have a dash cam?

They use their dash cam. So you would have been completely fucked if it wasn't for his own video. Well, it's weird. It cuts on 30 seconds before the lights and sirens are actually on. That's because normally when cops are just driving around they're just repeating the n-word over and over again.

They don't want that out on videos. They started the video with grr. Yeah, exactly. The video starts with a hard R and ends with a hard R. It starts like grr. Hey, watch out for this guy. Thank you. One guy noticed the joke that I made.

Very good. Alex, let's talk about it. What's your love life like? You seem like you'd be like the Matthew McConaughey of Charleston, South Carolina. There's a lot of people doing better than me. I actually broke up with my girlfriend when we were here.

It was an amicable breakup. I bet. I got the fuck out of her life. How long were you with her? About a year and a half. Did you like her? She was great. What didn't you like about her?

Good question, Tony. Man, she was bad with money. Nah, I'm just kidding. She was better than me. I said she was bad with money. Did you say amicable? She dumped you. Yeah, right before I left.

Nah, we knew. I was planning to move out here for about a year. We got together. Did she encourage you? You can do it, Alex. I know, I'm super mad at her now. I don't think we're going to be friends after this. Did you ask her to move out here with you?

No. How much did you make from the cop hitting you? Just say the number. Damn. So like 170? No. Pretty good. I'm bad.

You have to pay taxes on that. No, you don't. You don't if it's from the government. You don't have to pay. Look at that. Look at that. We love that here in Texas. You want to hear one more?

I lost like 30 grand of it in crypto. So like... I was burning government money. It was fun. I fucked up. It's all right. You got handed free money and you still blew it. I made like a third of it back so far.

So it's climbing back. You're definitely a hot girlfriend that left you was right. Yeah, she 100% was. Hey Shane, who do you think is fucking that girlfriend right now? The cop that T-boned him. Now he's boning her.

Yeah. I love it. Alex, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket and on making your Kill Tony debut. Here's a little joke book. There goes Alex Baldoff everybody making his Kill Tony debut.

Hey, Tony. I want to pick one out. I want to pick one out next. You want to pick one out? Yeah. The whole bucket. Give me that back when you're done with it. Say it.

Yeah, say it. Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage, John Horner. John Horner. John Horner. Come on down. All right, here he comes everybody. Oh wow, look at this.

We've seen this guy before. He's back. It's definitely John Horner. God, are you guys ready? Are you guys ready to party? I'm ready to party. I'm a rock hard. All right, guys.

You guys like country music? You guys like good old fashioned country music? Everybody clap your hands. Come on, let's do a country song. All right, clap your hands, guys. Cowgirls, give me a yee-haw. Cowboys, give me a yee-haw. All right, guys.

This song here is called Death to the Infidel. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, I can't even fucking read.

I'm fucking functionally illiterate. I'm so good at this. All right, I'm going to do more jokes because I haven't learned the thing yet. All right, guys. I'm not opposed to a transgender president because I will never go to the bathroom in the White House. All right, some chuckles.

Some chuckles. All right, guys, my stage name is John Horner. My legal name is John Horner, registered sex offender. All right. That wasn't bad. John Horner. We've seen him before, folks.

This is his second time on the show. His second rock solid set. A man literally built for comedy. Yeah. I knew that was coming. This walk's hilarious. You know what I was expecting? That was a minute minus the time it took you

to get up on stage. No, we start the clock once you get up here. For those of you who are just listening to the podcast, John has a condition. Remind us what your thing is again. Big energy, what? No, cerebral palsy. Oh, cerebral palsy.

You have cerebral palsy? You have cerebral palsy? Yeah. You seem almost like a normal human. I'm like a cerebral palsy 12. You know what I'm saying? Unlike you, your joke saves legs. That's true.

Fully operational. They do drag a bit. You're right. Drag anybody, okay. Dude, you should grow a mustache. I have. They say I look like a child molester, you know? Oh, wow.

I can't even imagine how much more of a child molester you have to look like. I mean, you're funny, man. You put the special in special needs. I mean, this is really good set. Thank you. I appreciate that. I fulfill your mom's special needs. Oh.

His mom's a fucking whore. She's a fucking whore. Damn. John Horner. I don't like myself very much. Yeah, I get it. Goddamn. John, when did you lose your virginity?

Well, so, like, the first time it was at a hotel room. Did you have Motel 6 is where you're from? Oh, yeah, yeah, America. Motel motherfucking 6. Who was the chick? I mean, I don't know what...

It wasn't so much the name, as it was the price, you know? And then you got cerebral palsy from that lady? Yeah, it was a face-sitting thing. That's how you get it. He acts like his mom wasn't there. Hey, do your mom jokes.

Okay, no, fuck. Man, my joke was pretty funny, man. Yeah, it was. John Horner, remind us of what we know about you and what we don't know. How do you make a living? I work at a phone store. What store?

A phone store or cell-cell phones? Oh, phone store. Yes. Oh, shit. All right, their stock just went down. Yeah, well, you're not even mobile. Yeah. Boom.

Marc said... That was the joke. No, I said T.M. mobile. Oh, shit. All right, all right, John, relax. None of us remembered it. John, what do we not find out about you the last time you were on the show that you think would be interesting

for strangers to know about you and your life, John? Uh, I've been skydiving. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I've been skydiving. Is that what happened? Yeah, a shoe didn't pull. I'm an American hero, guys. It was Special Forces over Kandahar.

It was brave. No, I went skydiving. I lived in a foreign country for about four or five years when I was a kid. Which one? Hungary. Oh, are you Hungarian? No, I have a question.

Oh. I noticed you have an abnormal amount of head sweat. My question is, have you ever thought of killing yourself? Uh, not until this very moment. Hey. Jesus, Ari. Yeah, you're good, John.

Can we do it together? Let's livestream that, motherfucker. Get some hits. I disagree with these two. I don't know why they're being mean to you about your fucking physical condition I think you're doing pretty good. I thought your set was good. I think you're funny. There you go.

I love you, man. A moment of clarity from the great Shane Gillis. That was incredible. I don't know why they're doing that. I don't think you should kill yourself. You think I'm a pandering fool? I'll die right now. I'll leave the show right now.

I don't care. I don't think you should kill yourself with her, guys. See that has a happy ending. Don't kill yourself. John, what's your love life like? Do you get hookers off line? No. I said that the last time

and I felt bad about it. It's not really true. I have certain points, but not in a long time. There's a long ass answer to get to a big fat yes. Jesus Christ, John. No. You were still looking at me so I didn't stop talking.

Is that what I have to do? I have to look away for you to... Yeah. How old are you? 31. Damn. That sucks. This guy likes my ass, I can tell.

John, over here. Don't get distracted by the musicians. The cerebral palsy turns into Down syndrome. Real quick on this one. Have you ever had love on the spectrum? No, I'm too afraid to watch that show because I think it hits too close to home. That is atypical.

That's another one I can't watch. Why? Because it's like an awkward spectrum guy trying to get chicks. It's like, why do I want to see that? You don't like things that remind you of you. No, not at all. I don't like disabled comedians very much.

Exactly. And I am one. You seem fine with what the fuck happened. No, it's testosterone. It's power pose. It's just a power pose, you know? I can't see it. You got a limb for something?

Is that what the problem is? His legs are fucked up. Show Shane your hand. I don't know what you're talking about. You got a little hitch in your kitty up? He's like halfway through the thriller video. Oh, shit. Oh, man, you got really...

You're doing the stanky leg. You got it. You got it. You messed up. You're doing great. I didn't know you were doing the stanky leg. I apologize. You're the Captain America version of Michael Lehrer.

I'm the less evolved Pokemon of Michael Lehrer. I love it. John Horner, you did it again. You know what, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. We just got booked on a show. John, did you even hear that? You already have one of these? You're booked on Thursday on The Secret Show.

Congratulations. You made big out of this. I don't think people heard right now. You're booked. Somebody help the man. Will you help the guy now? There we go. He's faking it.

Look at those chicks helping you, dude. He already got more action than Hans Kim will tonight. Oh, wow. I just pulled another name out of the bucket. This young lady is already a kill Tony legend. You've seen her many times on the show. Very exciting that we get to see a new minute

from the great Molly Vivint, everybody. Molly Vivint. She's very, very funny. Molly Vivint. There she comes, everybody. There she comes, everybody. Some of you guys might know I'm a porn star. Well, I faking hate when my friends ask me

to come to like a work hang, you know, with all their colleagues. They have a million questions about my life and my job. So I come up with a little something. It goes like this. You do spreadsheets. I do spreadsheets.

You get workman's comp and I get workman's cum. You get PTO and I have PTSD. You have HR and we have HR too. It's herpes response. You take conference calls

and I choke on big ol' balls. You get 401Ks and I will fornicate for 1K. Molly Vivint. Sticking it out one joke the whole time. Stretching it out like she does her bras. Molly, welcome back to the show.

Hi, Tony. How are you? I'm great. How do you feel? Good. Good. It's been a while. A lot has happened. What's happened? My tits have gotten bigger probably. I think they weigh more. What happened?

How did that get bigger? Cameras? No. Basically I like disabled guys and I fuck guys like the last guy. I think it gives me recharge strength than my tits. What a nasty thing to say.

Now that we're all able to say nasty things. When you say things like slots have PTSD, would you compare that to World War 1 veterans? Much worse, probably. Worse, right? Definitely worse than Shell Shock.

You're just a millennial slut. That's comparable to World War veterans, right? No, yeah, I should be given money. I just want to make sure we're all on the same page. Yeah. When it comes to using the term PTSD, if we're just throwing that around,

yes, certainly. Webcam girls are on the same page as guys who survived Gallipoli. Yes, we're all on the same page. Yeah, it's true. I'm just going to give this set to the troops. I love it. Molly, welcome back.

Thank you. So have you shot any porn since the last time you were on the show? Yeah, I was in Miami probably less than a month ago. Okay, and what type of video did you make in Miami? I did some interracial. Whoa!

Maybe it was gamma ray after all. No, yeah, it might have been. So what happened? Tell us about this interracial porn. It was fine. It was just like white porn, but it was a little more... Did the Pearson kiss you? I don't know.

So wait, some Chinaman slammed you? Some half Irish... What are you saying happened? Yeah, where's the interracial part? Yeah, what do you mean it was a white porn? When you say interracial, you mean... No, it's like when I do it with a white guy,

but it hurts a little bit more. Oh! Alright, thank you right there. Um, okay. Was there anything else different other than it hurting more? Do you guys like talk beforehand? Like, hey, take it easy on me today. Yeah, I actually do that.

Really? Yeah, I have like ovarian cysts. I gotta be like... Oh, man! Eww! Alright, put the fartboard away right there. What the fuck, dude? That's disgusting!

Ovarian cysts has been called on the field. This is a very controversial subject. We might need to review the play. Sure, what are we gonna say? What the fuck, dude? We're having fun, dude. This is killed down here with goofing around. There's a goofball show, dude.

Was that the black guy's name, Ovarian? Yeah. Mark Norman. Mark Norman. Yeah. No, it was fun. I don't really like the fans who like interracial porn. Those are like the worst people possible.

Explain to us what's different between an interracial porn fan and a regular porn fan. Wait, you make interracial porn and then despise the people that like it? You don't like southern people? Aren't you the one objectifying... racially, and then you're... I've done it plenty of times,

but the fans who really like it are really picky. And they'll be like, you're racist because you haven't been with a dark enough man, and then someone will be like, she's worked with this person, and he's like, that's not black enough. Oh, I thought it was gonna be honkeys complaining. I didn't know.

Whoa, I like that. I take back everything I said. No, they'll like harass me about it. I was drunk when I wrote that. But, you know... So you're reading the comments on your own porn? No, they'll like slide in my DM.

They call you racists or fucking black dudes? No, they call me... Yes, yeah, they do. They say they're not black enough, but I don't choose who I work with. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I just show up to set and whoever's like, the male town is...

So like, when you go and you, let's say you fly to Florida for a shoot, you just have sex one time and that's it? No, I did a few scenes. Okay, a few scenes. And how often do your ovarian cysts burst on the set? How often do they have a little spill? Let's see,

it probably looks like an ant-haze car accident down there. It's just burning... It's just burning corpses falling out of our pussy, you know what I mean? It's like some whores. Yeah, it's like spores, red man. Some whores.

No, but sometimes on my period, I have to work. Ew, shut the fuck up! I'll let you like... All of your porn stars do it. They fucking put a makeup sponge in their pussy and you can't tell the difference. Are you fucking serious?

Wow, they have like little fucking Hollywood tricks for that? Yeah, and I have little hands, so sometimes after I'm like, what the hell? Does your father hate you or just dislike you? 100%. Why'd you do that to him?

He probably was a nice guy. No, he wasn't. That's why I do it. He was bad? He's probably into it. He's probably the guy that's like, not black enough. This fucking guy. That would mean he was somewhat paying attention to me. Good point.

Absolutely. Damn, where's Kay Sonaya? Is this on Brazzers or Braziers? I'm on Brazzers. Oh, okay. I love it. I'm gonna Google that. How's the rest of your life going, Molly?

Comedy's been good. People like you in this town, they know that. Comedy's been cool. I've opened up for Big J. Oakerson, Jeff Ross, since I was last on here. Oh, who, those two? You don't say those two? She's like, I opened up for Lexington Steel.

Oh my god. Those two covered talent above all else. Wow. No, yeah, it's been good. I like living in Austin, but the homeless women fucking hate me here. They like shout out like Tourette's like shit.

You look too much like us. No, yeah. I'm Jewish. I would never, I could never. Now you are Jewish. Ari, this is a rare Jewish girl that has full features. Ari, what do you think about this? I'm disgusted by it.

I'm going to be a main. I'm going to over all emotions. Now do you get why we hate you guys? Yeah, I see it. I see it. I see it. Dolpho. You know, I had a homeless woman take a cigarette from me, and then shove it in her pussy right in front of this.

Oh my god. Why is this your life that all this stuff's happening? It's gross stuff, dude. I guess I had tracked. It's gross stuff, dude. Was the cigarette lit? No. That's why I was pissed. It was like a waste of a sig.

She smoked it. She might have kept it for later. I mean, you can dry it out. Oh my goodness. But I saw her whole ass pussy right here and then I killed Tony. It was disgusting. Dry it out.

Stop talking about pussies and sex and shit. Go home. Take a nap. Shane's trying to step in where your father left out. Molly, go home. Take a nap. Shane, will you be my daddy? Ooh. Look at this.

Shane. Shane, I've seen you drink a lot of Bud lights. Have you drank enough to fuck that yet? Yo. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this gay guy was disrespectful to you. But also... Stop squeezing my leg, Shane.

I'm gonna grab the shirt. Ladies and gentlemen, that's Molly Vivint, everybody. There she goes. Follow her on social media. How did I get so sexy? I'm telling you, people like that, they're the future. Very important.

These young, up-and-coming Austin comics are out there fucking writing. Speaking of Austin comics, this man that I'm about to bring on stage has been a regular on this show for years and he's the newest resident of Austin, Texas.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for David Lucas. Yeah. Just moved to Austin. Can't believe I let all these richer people convince me to move to this hot ass city, man. I don't know how y'all had slaves in Texas. It's too fucking hot, baby.

They must have been picking cotton at night. What the fuck is... I've been like, hey, boss, let me get the 11 to 6 shit. Fuck that. That's too loud, man. I had to get out of LA, man. I was tired of getting robbed by gay niggas.

I was like, motherfucker, you got on Lulu Limit, man. What the... I can see your dick print, bitch. What... You trying to rob me or you trying to fuck me, goddammit? I... I'd rather you fuck me so I can keep my shit, man. My favorite thing to do in West Hollywood,

that's where I was living, very gay area, was go to the gym and flirt with gay guys. They'd be like, are you finished with those weights? I'm like, don't be scared to ask. I don't bite. And then they see me in the parking lot like, hey, I'm like, hey, bitch, get away from me

with that gay shit, nigga. I was just playing, motherfucker. All right, man, thank you. Fuck yeah, David Lucas, another brand new minute. He's done it again. Absolutely incredible. Very, very strong new minute. You guys have seen David before?

I have. David, you're open for me at the Creek in the Cave last time I was here. Would you say the crowd was super impressed or mega impressed? They fucked with me, haven't they? Yeah, they were great. It is true.

I did see Ari's new hour at the Creek in the Cave. He looked like a fucking Iraqi drill sergeant. Get your double ass. Motherfucker, retired Greyhound looking ass. That motherfucker, I sick of the racetrack. I had to chase it that little rabbit, huh? Yeah, you look like his parole officer. Report by 11.

Mark Norma, you look like a far left vampire. Hey, I'll take it, I'll take it, all right. You look like Chris Eight Cross. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. There we go. I got all four y'all niggas today. All reference, all reference.

I got all four y'all niggas today. Wow. Are you going to make fun of Shane? It would be interesting to watch him get roasted by his own liver. I've roasted Shane. That's my dog, man. You don't have to do it, dude. Don't let them pit us against each other, dude.

That's my dog, man. That's exactly what the left does, dude. You and I, it pits us against each other, dude. You guys could make a movie together. It could be like, white men can't stop eating. Tony, what the fuck you got on your shirt? Tony. This is the new Lulu Lemon.

Yeah, motherfucker, that's... Yeah, Tony, you're the one who's fucking gay. Yeah. Tony, you look like an animal balloon with that blue shit on it. Oh, shit. I do. I was wondering what this looked like earlier, and now I realize that it looked like an animal balloon. It looked like an animal balloon.

An animal balloon. What the fuck does that make you? You like a blueberry condom, nigga. All right. Thank you. Comedy. Finish him, dude! Finish him!

I love that you're wearing a Jordan hoodie even though you can't get up in the air. No, no, no. That wasn't funny. The only thing you put in the air is your ass. Stop tickling me. She keeps tickling me. This guy, he wishes.

I even touched him once. You just got there, fruitcake? I had a couple drinks. I gave him a little handsy. I touched some guys sometimes. It's a fun joke. I love it. David, you're an absolute murderer.

What else is going on in this world? Shit, bro. Got some tour dates coming up. September the 14th, I'm at Magoobies and Baltimore. I did that shit with Shane like a month ago. Timonium Maryland, dude. It's the place to be. Are you into sucking and fucking guys? You're going to want to go to Timonium Maryland.

It's a million. It's a truck stop. You're going to want to suck a guy. I'm booking a residency there. That's true. You're going to get excited, bro. I love it. David, you've been in Austin a week or two?

Like two, I think. So what have you fallen in love with? What do you love about this place? Food. All right. Shut the fuck up with that mustache. Your ass got a starfish leg around your mouth.

Fuck you get that shit photo. Tickle a bitch pussy while you eat it, motherfucker. I like to smell it later. Wow. Austin cool, Austin cool, bro. I get the fish any time I want to. Right. Yeah, you love fishing.

You're a killer whale. I can only defend you so much. If this guy's hitting gay homeruns like this, you're going to have to fight back. What kind of fish would you be, Tony? I'd be a gay fish. That's still funny, dude. I can't even think of a gay fish right now for Tony.

A blowfish. A blowfish. That's true. It was right there. Rainbow fish. So you go out on boats and you go fishing. Oh my goodness. Do people get on the boat with you?

They look nervous? Nah, hell no. I don't bring girls on the boat though, Tony. I can't take you though. The boat does something you don't do at restaurants. Yeah. I do tip, mother fucker. Yeah.

Yeah, the scales. Tony, after dinner, blowjobs don't count as a tip. Oh, come on. Some of that sweet, sweet vanilla custard. Come on. All right. David, you're absolutely unbelievable. I mean, you did it again.

You come in, you like the whole fucking place on fire. It's incredible. Come on, tour. David Lucas. Back to the bucket we go. Shit's wild. You guys ready to meet somebody all together? Yep.

All right, let's see what happens here. I think some noise is for back, everybody. B-A-K, back. B-A-K, back. He seems like he's from Thailand. I'm guessing Thailand. Uh-oh. My guess is still Thailand.

Here he comes, everybody. It's Bach. Make some noise for Bach, everybody. I was wrong. Good evening. I'm here for the Connery Saga. Good evening. French?

Good evening. Niggas? Ah, now you're with me. That high school French kid is kicking it, huh? But yeah, I'm black. No, I'm not black. Fuck that. I'm black, black. Black, black.

The click is silent. Yeah, I took a plane to get here. Like a human being. I'm glad I missed that boat, man. But you know who didn't miss the boat? Black people. That shit was amazing, man. I didn't have to work, you know?

Why are people working for me? I'm a side-fucking-loving man. Thank you. All right, Bach. Just spoke a different language, and then closed his set. Wait, wait, wait. Bach. Am I saying that right? Bach or Bach?

Bach. Like you're back. Bach. Very good. You are the exact shade of black that people want Mollie to fuck. Where's she at? Where's she at? The only thing blacker than you is if the lights completely go out. Bach. Your name's Bach.

Yes. Did you happen to be named after what, uh... guys? Go ahead. Go ahead, after. Guys who didn't like you where they told you to go.

Go back. Go back. Go back. I didn't have the heart to tell it. It was funny. Fuck you guys. You know what? I'll be honest though. I bailed on that. It was funny.

It was smart. It was intelligent. It was what I do, dude. Bach, how long you been doing stand-up comedy? About three-something years? Three-something years. Did you start in France or start here? Yeah, not here. Oh, shit. You were great in Captain Phillips.

Thank you. I'm a star, too. I was great in that. Old reference. Absolutely incredible. My back-joke was better than Captain Phillips. You didn't deliver it.

I know. I didn't hear a back-joke. Here we go. Go back to France. I'm going to hurt you. Bach, let's talk about it. How do you make money? Work for a software company. Are you having an allergic reaction

to something right now? No, why? Okay, forget it. Wait, what do you do for fun, Bach? I go out dance. I play video games. Watch cartoons. You dance? What kind of dancing do you do?

I used to do hip-hop dancing. You do hip-hop dancing? Can you give this guy a hip-hop beat? My goodness, I have to see what's going on. That's not hip-hop, Red Band. All right, here comes a hip-hop beat from the band. Here we go.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Wow. Wow. This is how non-racist Austin is.

We were surprised the Black Eye could dance. You're welcome. Absolutely incredible, Bach. That is a... Thank you. Yeah, let me see you in this, shit, so I don't know. De-Madd is wild. It's out from the ground. Oh, I forgot, Blind Willy Hopkins is here every week.

Yeah. I love it. So, Bach, what else about you? What else would we find interesting about your life before? Outside of you being a sub-par dancer. Sub-par dancer? You want to come out here? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. You got to use something. Served. Served.

You just got called the fuck out. You got served. Oh, shit. Come on, Heidi. Yeah. All right, all right, all right. Oh, yeah. Served.

Yeah, there's fucking zero's chance. That would be incredible. Yeah, there's a cardboard box that you brought with you and you just started spinning on the fucking ground. Yeah. Back. Very, very interesting set. Welcome to the Kill Tony Nation. You got pulled out of the bucket.

Here's a tiny joke book. It was nice to meet you. There goes Bach, everybody. Yeah, Bach. You guys think we should... You know, it's a lot of chaos tonight. Yeah, but more than a full panel. Do you guys think we should add one more person to the panel?

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Austin's own Joe Rogan. All right, thank you. All right. And now coming to the stage, Richard Pryor. Got you. No. Were you lying? Tricked all of you. I believed you. Were you lying?

I just did all that so that Shane would stick his finger out my butt for a second. Tony, why did you say Joe Rogan when there was no... He's here. You think he's here? I can feel it. I can sense it. You can feel it? There's an evil, dark force in the neighborhood.

St. Rogan, where are you? St. Rogan, where are you? St. Rogan, come out. Speak if you're here. I smell elk. There's a defenseless deer on the stage. You have a knife. Kill it. Where's St. Rogan?

Somebody talk about aliens. What do you mean? What is that? What does that mean? Go find out what the fuck's going on, Yoni. Why would they introduce him if he wasn't here? That's what I'm saying. I'm pretty sure he's here. Maybe he's fucking that porn star.

Also, can I get another Bud Light? Yeah. Oh, we got a bunch? All right, never mind. Can I get a whiskey and water? Just for the... For the communication from the absolutely ill staff that I work with.

I mean, it's literally incredible. Yeah, he was... Rogan was dead, dude. He was gone, though. There's no way he's here. It was Carlos Mincia the whole time. They killed him. There you go, red band.

All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Makes some noise for Will Williams, everybody. Will Williams. I mean... But whatever. Oh, boy. William. Look at that.

That's the beat. Hey, Will. You got it, Will. You got it, Will. Make some noise one more time for Will Williams, everybody. Come on. Thank you. I ain't that well, Siri says, nigga.

Seriously, though, I was in my car the other day and asked to play some music, right? Say, hey, play some NWA, right? It's like, all right. I was in Spotify to play niggas with attitude. It's like, you can say nigga, but you can't say Guadalupe. Wear your priority, Siri. Seriously.

Honestly, I don't really trust AI because I tried to ask him for some geographical information. He gave me some bullshit. I was like, hey, can I get some information about Niger? He was like, all right, what do you want to buy? Nigger. Not good for you. Not good use for essays. That's it, y'all. All right, all right.

There you go. Dude, this is the only show in the world where black commas go short. Yeah, it's true. David Lucas and Back made a baby together. This is incredible. The looks of David Lucas with the sense of humor of Back.

Absolutely incredible, Will. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. You are sweating bullets right now. How long do you think you have to live? How long do you think you have to live? About a couple years. What do you do for work?

Reality capture. With the buttons and everything or whatever? No, I use a laser to take details of a building. What? I use a laser to make a digital model of a building. All right. Like Tower 7. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for new panelists, Joe Rogan, everybody. Come on. Give me another chair up here. He's Back. Get off the back. He's Back. He's Back. He's Back.

He's Back. He's Back. We got about as fucked up as I've ever been on a podcast. You've never, yo. Luckily, I have a solid liver. How the hell did you sober up like this? It's like a blast furnace.

It just burns through that shit. I'm back, baby. This is cocaine. It's not cocaine. That is incredible. It's Neanderthal jeans. I'm powered through that shit. I'm back, baby.

Holy shit. How are you sober? 100% sober. I killed you. I buried you. Who can pee first? And I won. By hours.

That is incredible. These guys literally said that you were dead and there's no way you're going to make it here. I'm back, baby. I'll do a fucking IQ test right now, motherfucker. Holy shit. This is scary, dude.

I'm ready to go. You don't understand. What the fuck are you doing? We're saying kill us. I'm a different beat, bitch. Let's go. To the death. Yeah, I was drunk 20 minutes ago,

but right now I can drive. Yeah. Pets cemetery. No. Let's fucking go. But I wasn't. You misunderested me. I tomorrow Loosman misunderestimated Leon Edwards,

motherfucker. I did not believe this. Let's fucking go. I would have thought we'd seen Norm MacDonald before Joe Rogan tonight. This is crazy. Let's do a fucking puzzle, okay? Let's play poker, motherfucker.

All right. I don't know if you notice we got... Let's go. We got a cop. We got Lizzo Met Predator here. Hold on. Let's get back to the show. Shane Gillis telling us that Joe Rogan threw up on his arm earlier. He is dumbfounded.

No, I threw up in a cooler. But that was 45 minutes ago. I'm good. We all got puked on. It was great. Now, in the meantime, how are you doing? I'm good, all right. What a crazy night, huh?

It's all about recovery, baby. Will Williams, you were saved by a sober Joe Rogan here today. They didn't anticipate this. David Lucas looks terrible. But... Joe Rogan was wasted

when he got here. He watched Will Williams set and sobered up completely. That's what it took. You're out here doing the Lord's work. People need to play a video of you doing stand-up when a cop pulls them over for a DUI. Like, when they're approaching the car.

Like, come on, come on, come on. Download, download. I didn't do anything. Come on, Joe. That's how I saw it real. NIV drip, hydroxychloroquine, the kitchen sink. This guy just fucking sobered up on the kitchen sink.

I took ivermectin and liquid IV. Good to go. Babe, babe. Hunter Biden. This is unbelievable. Sorry, sir, you were saying... The guy with the cornrows is thinking about corn chips.

What's up, brother? Will Williams, congratulations. Here's a small joke book for you. We're going to get another Canadian up here. Holy shit. You're sweating a lot. The first ever four-person panel in the history of Austin Kiltoni.

You guys are here. We're going Paul's deep. You ready to watch some stand-up? Your next comedian goes by the name of Winston Shaw. 60 seconds uninterrupted by Winston Shaw. I don't believe it.

Here we go. Here he is. One more time for Winston, everybody. What's up? How are we doing? Yeah. I like to watch interviews with rappers just because they talk about themselves like they're Jesus, you know?

So I just kind of like watch to emulate the mindset. I was watching an interview with the rapper the other day. I can't remember what the question he was asked was because his answer was just so captivating, right? The interviewer asked the rapper a question. The rapper looks, the interviewer dead in the eyes and I swear to God his answer, he goes, I don't give a shit, bitch missing out on blessings.

Right? That's what I was there for. You know what I'm saying? I emulate the mindset just like, bitch missing out on blessings. You know what I'm saying? That's the whole thing. I thought about it though. I was like, I wish Jesus had spoken like a rapper in the Bible instead. You know what I'm saying? I think that would have been way fucking cooler. It's like, some dudes like Jesus,

those ladies over there, they don't believe in you. And Jesus is like, I could give a shit. Bitch missing out on blessings, you know? He starts like, Crip walking on the water a little bit. He starts turning water into lean. He starts turning eights into ounces. He's wearing a chain of himself. Dude, it's a whole fucking thing.

All right, that's been my time. Thank you. Hey, Gil. Gil. Winston Shaw. What about it? Welcome. You've been on the show before, correct? This went better than the other times, I'm guessing. Indeed, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Look at you, one of the top young rising lesbian

comedians in the world. This is incredible. Thank you. But I know that fucking if she were alive, Anne Hayes would eat your pussy right now. You know what I'm saying? Did you hurt your finger? What happened there exactly? I was playing basketball with Hans.

There was a whole bunch of us and I broke my fucking finger. Wow, so you play basketball, you listen to rap music? You hear what he said with Hans? Wait, yeah. Hans plays basketball? He does. He does. He's a nightmare to be out there with, but yeah. Do you guys pretend he's good at that too? Yeah.

Ruthless Shane Gillis. Oh my goodness. And we're back, baby. Let's fucking go. Yo, you should be dead, dude. But I'm not. This is incredible. Amazing how that works.

You did something. I didn't do a goddamn thing. I played pool. You were dead, dude. What did you shoot? You did drugs, Joe. No, I didn't do any drugs. I am drugs.

Yes. I didn't do a fucking thing. All right, sorry, lesbian. Go back to your bullshit. What happened to your finger, bro? Back to the twink. That's what I remember. Winston, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Two and a half years. What do you do for work? I Uber. What kind of car do you have? I have a Volkswagen Passat. Oh, a Passat. That's a comfortable Uber car. You get picked up by a Passat.

You're like, this guy's got a future. Do you have a booster seat to see over the steering wheel? Homebook. Yeah, I love it. But the joke you did was, what if Jesus was a rapper? Yeah, pretty much. That's a fun way to be like, what if Jesus was black

and then you could just be racist and say it was rapper stereotypes. Is that what you did? Yeah, pretty much. All right, cool. Very good. Winston, what do you do for fun? What do you win, too?

It seems like you have a wide array of hobbies. Basketball. Stop drinking and stop gambling. All the degenerate basketball was like the escape. Okay. What happened to your lips? My lips? I can't find them.

You don't have any. Are they small? Extremely small. Are you just finding out right now? They're extremely small. Have you ever gotten jogging and started a whistle? Yeah. No, you're fine, dude.

Having no lips is fine. Thank you. What else don't you have? Do you not have nipples as well? Apparently a dick since everyone's calling me a lesbian. There you go, absolutely. If you did duck face, you would look like a glory hole. Damn, Mark.

Do it. No. No. No. No. No. No. Oh, there it is.

Don't let anybody say it. Don't let them ever do that, dude. What's your love life like? I'm getting real virgin energies from you here. A little broken finger. It's not going very slow. Business has been slower than usual. What does that mean exactly?

Where do you normally find girls at? Or boys or whatever you're into? Bars typically. School and shit. What did you say? Bars. I thought you said the forest. I'm nervous about my lips now.

Your lips are fine. Hans came. Did you go to college or anything? I went for a little bit, yeah. A little bit. You didn't finish? No. Your real curt no brains. He said a curt Cobain.

He said curt no brains. That would be pretty good. If Tony said it. If a gay guy said it, you guys would be jacking off. Also, I think curt Cobain ended up being curt no brains. That is true.

In the end, he was curt no brains. So let's talk about a Winston. I'm still interested in your love life for some reason. The last hookup that you had, was it a one night stand? Yeah, it was a one night stand. Where did you meet this girl?

It was at a bar. You go up to her and you're like, hey, what's up? I don't have any lips. Then what happened? How do you start a conversation? He's like, can I follow you back to your car? Did he really ask? How do you open it up?

What's up? Oh, wow. That's where you say you go up to girls and go, what's up? Solid opening move. Yeah, with that finger. You can do some damage. What's up?

You like basketball players? So you say what's up and then what happens? Give us a little progression throughout the evening. You'd go back to your fucking race car bed and then what happens? She asked if I like Molly and I was like, I never partook

and then we took it and apparently it makes you horny. Wow. Look at you. It usually doesn't. Not most times. Well, it makes you horny but incapable. Yeah. That's what happens.

I'm gonna fuck you but I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah, I love you. Yo, so who gave you that fucking finger cast? No, I went to the doctor. Did you go fucking urgent care or something? Yeah. Hans, wrap it up for you.

Yeah. How did it feel to get a fucking cast on your finger? I didn't do the cast. I just didn't do the cast because I like to swim and shit so I was like, we don't need a cast. Hardcore, bro.

Appreciate it. Respect. Absolutely incredible, Winston. Oh, goodness. So that night you did Molly, you ended up having sexual intercourse with her, you went all the way? No, no.

How does it end? The Molly was geeking me out. I was just smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, just trying to keep a conversation. I like talking so that was the move. Who doesn't? So when I said, let's talk about the last time you hooked up with a girl,

you thought I meant a night that ends in talking? We did start with what's up. He also ended with what's up. That is incredible. No ejaculation, a lot of crying. Let's keep rolling. All right, Winston, you've been on this show before.

Did you end up with a little book or a big book? You got a big book last time? Hey, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. There you go, he just got booked on a real show. There he goes, Winston. Underscore. Comedy. Cute kid.

All right. You guys want to go a little bit longer than usual? That sounds fair. Show just got here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian, Mike Stagg, everybody. Here we go. Mike Stagg.

Mike Stagg is the big opportunity in front of Shane Gillis, Ari Shafir, Mark Norman, and Joe Rogan, everybody. Oh, shit. Making his Kill Tony debut. This is the Mike Stagg. How's it going, Austin?

You all out there hustling and grinding, doing the thing every day? Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I wake up early sometimes, and you kind of feel the weight of the world, and I kind of just, you know, think about inspirational quotes

from the founding fathers. I think it's crazy how he, like, idealized them. But, you know, early to bed, early to rise, makes you healthy, wealthy and wise. And then, what, you get to fuck the slaves or whatever?

That's not bad. And this is what we all, like, take to heart, you know? Thomas Jefferson, whatever you do, you know, act like the whole world's watching. Watching you fuck the slaves. Okay? And George Washington, you know?

I see where you're going with this, bro. But... you might want to run this by wiser people before you present it publicly. It's not a bad premise. It's just flawed. Your execution is

cumbersome. There's a lot going on there. Are you telling me, Joe, if you had slaves, you wouldn't fuck them? I wouldn't fuck them. I wouldn't fuck them, but I'm rich. I'd let them go. I would let them go.

I'd be like, if you want to work, let's work out a deal, but you need to, like, find your place in this world. I think that's one of the perks of having slaves, I assume. Yeah, but you don't want those perks, bro. All right. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. If I found a flaw in the set,

it was that you're... you have cargo shorts. That is true. That was something that I, personally, I saw you walk on stage wearing those, and I was like, there's no way this guy's funny. That's not true. I wear cargo shorts. Fuck you, Shane Gillis.

Well... I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, bro. Welcome to the show, Mike Stagg. This is your first time here, correct? This is my first time. Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Not very long at all. This is my first time doing it in front of like...

First time ever! Woo! Wow. Congratulations. Hopefully the last time, too. This is great. Very, very exciting. He's onto something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love it.

There are balls to get up here, and especially when you look like the bloated corpse of Jason Momoa. He looks like Jason Momowano. He looks like Aquaman found unidentified on the beach. You're fat.

I still feel like a lot of chicks would be into that, you know, versus a lot of other things. No! They're not. Aquamanity. Do you do... Do you do good with the ladies, Mike? You're an odd-looking duck.

Oh, well, thank you. You know, I get, like, hookups here and there. What is your ethnicity? I'm actually just like Eastern German, or Eastern European and German and Irish and Polish. It doesn't really look like that at all.

You think we're like TSA agents or something like that? Oh, I'm just Irish. Sometimes they grab my hair and they're like, what's in here, sir? Right. Okay, what do you do for work? I work for a tech company. Oh, shit. Matt Mueling is furious. He never talks.

Stop fucking doing that. He's mad that you're holding the mic like that. Sorry, Matt. Change it. Put it lower. Put it lower. There you go. Matt Mueling. He's very aggressive. What the fuck? He speaks once every eight episodes.

So whatever he says... It's weird that that's what he chose to come back. Yeah. Enough is enough. Yeah. He takes a stand. Yeah, you're really worried about losing those sunglasses, huh? Look at that. You got the rope up there.

I think you're going to be all right. You know, you got activities and stuff. Activities. I ask you what you do for work? Yeah, I work for a tech company. What do you do for a tech company? Like, software. What do you do for fun, Mike?

Do you have any special skills or talents? Besides trailing off. Pretty good at trailing off. I like to hike. I play a little bit of guitar and then... just stuff like that. Normally, I would ask Matt

if he would let you play his guitar, but he hates your guts. There you go. There you go, Mike. It was nice to meet you. I'm going to squeeze someone else up here real quick. That was Mike Stagg, everybody. Thank you, guys.

Thanks so much for your next comedian, Chep Rowam. That's a funny sounding name. Funny name. I think this will be good. I have a good feeling about Chep Rowam. Chep. Oh, yeah.

Chep Rowam. Here he is, everybody. Chep Rowam. Chep Rowam. All right. All right. I just want to make something clear real quick. So, my name is Cheep,

but spelled Chep. So, when I was born, my doctor asked my parents, you want to buy a vowel? My parents were like, no, it's good. They can figure it out. Trust me.

No one figured it out yet. So, I normally don't like to hang out with haters or be around them, but I'm kind of obligated to be with her and around her, because it's my eight-year-old daughter.

You have no idea. Anytime I try to talk to a girl or be... Anything goes well. She's like, hey, Dad. What's up, Callie? So, Dad, is that your other girlfriend? What the fuck?

I don't even have one yet. So, anyways, thank you. That's my time. There you go. Cheep Rowam. Am I saying that right? Your name is actually Cheep? All right. There you go. That's funny. That's Ari's middle name. Ha!

Racist, racist, bullshit. I knew it would be a guess on this thing, and you treat me like that. It's not cool. Is it bright in here? Oh, shit. What do you mean, Joe? Joe making fun of the other people for being drunk now on the show.

For those of you missing it, it is incredible. Literally, the rumor on the street is that you were on your deathbed just moments ago. Put Joe in a casket. It was insane. I'm back, bitches. You were gone, man. You were gone. Cheep, I love it.

You look like Mr. Miyagi's bodyguard. Yeah, you practice Bujitsu. You look like if a person was San Diego. That is true. That is what he looks like. I actually get a lot since I've been here for eight months. Everyone

mistaken me for some reason. Steve Ioki? Steve Nojoki? No, no, no, no. But the thing is... Cheep, how long have you been on it? What do you mean for some reason? Are you sure it's not because you look

exactly like fucking Steve Ioki? More like Steve Iogli. Oh, boy. That would have been better if you had that moment, if the moment was right. That wasn't a bad line. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Cheep?

This is my second time. Second time ever. Wow. And how old are you? 39. 39. And this is something you've always wanted to do? I always wanted to do it, but I never had the opportunity because I just moved from California.

Well, that's bullshit. California. Northern California Bay Area. There wasn't a lot of comedy stuff. There was. There was. You're wrong. So much. The most in the world. Literally, the most in the world is an opportunity. The most in the world. Right?

Shane, the most in the world? No. Thank you, Shane. What's the most in the world? What's number one? Because that's number two. I can't explore it. Yeah. Hey, Iogli. Go, dude. Keep going. Cheep, what do you do for work?

Actually, I work for your favorite store. That's not true. Are you making that up? You work for my favorite store? Let me rephrase that. Your second favorite. Are you talking to me? Sarcastically. Okay. Okay. Very good.

My second favorite store. So what exactly is? I do have a list. How long have you been suffering suck-a-tash? You're talking about TJ Maxx? What's his favorite store? The AIDS Clinic. Trader Joe's.

Trader Joe's. That's my second favorite store. Why would that be my second favorite store? Because you always talk about HEB. Oh, right. And you always make fun of Trader Joe's. That's true. I do make fun of Trader Joe's, but it's not my second favorite store.

It's a solid place to shop. It was your first until you moved here. I always had a beat in California, but I mean, I see why you would have so much pride. So you wear like the wacky Hawaiian shirt and everything like that? Yeah. At Trader Joe's.

What do you do there exactly? Everything, right? Yeah. You sort of roam around. He's in the probiotic section. He's pushing acidophiles. If you're here, who's watching your longboard? Do you do some longboarding? You do have longboard energies.

No. No, what do you do? What are some of your hobbies? Waxing on, waxing off. Only at my alone time. No, I just take my dogs out. What? Take my dogs out. You take your dogs out.

I don't know many people out here. That's as good as it gets? Pretty much. How long does it take you to make a Hattori Hanzo sword? You ever get that beard caught in a vacuum? No. You've had that for a while, the goatee? Is that a thing that you do?

I grew it out. I'm going through a divorce. Oh. My ex-wife hates it. Shit. But... So do we. Yeah.

It's okay. But I like it. Okay. So you're ex-wife and you hate your ex-wife? No. You love her? No. We get along great.

We co-parent. Okay. Very good. Do you wish that she wasn't doing this whole rigmaroo divorce? No. It was kind of mutual. It was mutual. She's kind of fucking us, right?

You and me are... I like you and me guys that like to love. You're in love. I'm a lover myself. No, no. I love her, but... No, you and me are love-making guys. I'm sorry that your wife abandoned you.

Thank you. I would also... I think you and me should contact her tonight. Red Band, play... Red Band, play the Hulk soundtrack when he's walking away. You and I need to get a hold of your fucking bitch ex-wife. Oh, he's putting that blown star down. Easy there.

All right. That's a ninja star. All right. Over here. Cheap. Up here. Yeah. There we go.

Yes. The most... Yes. He built up that hand-eye at the hibachi grill. You've been catching shrimp in your hat for weeks. Yeah, I don't like that type of joke. Oh, sorry, man. I think that type of joke is bullshit.

If I were you, I would take my car and drive it into a crowd of pedestrians. Oh, shit. And I would kill myself. Are you saying that because I'm Asian? Yeah, that's the type of nasty jokes he makes. Oh, I didn't notice your eyes. But... It's pretty almond.

Cheap. Tell us one crazy, fun fact about your life. You once maybe almost died or saved somebody's life. You have a record for something. You have something. You did something in your entire life. Now, you used to be a club promoter. Oh, okay.

Back in Northern California. Okay, so what happened there? Something interesting about your entire life. You have every day and night to reference here that you've ever lived. Every minute, every hour, anything. Anything about your family, something that you accomplished, something that you did, something that you didn't do perhaps. Well, since I've been here for eight months,

it seems like I attract a lot of women that are in their mid-40s. Okay. All right. Okay. Tell us more. Yeah. Yeah, tell us more. That's a pretty good skill.

What happens with these suicidal ladies and then their rope? You're a lot of people's bottom. Yeah, no, I don't know when I'm at work. Arie. What the fuck, Arie? I also got better. Why are you saying that? Maybe not, Arie.

You're not a lot of ladies' bottoms. You're doing good. You get girls real wet market. Have you been with a woman? I never have complaints, though. Cheap over here. Have you been with a woman since? You never have complaints, but you don't have an inbox.

Have you been with a woman since you divorced your wife? Yes. You have? Where did you find her at? Well, the last one was two weeks ago? Two weeks ago. Okay, very good. Where was this at?

Two weeks. Did you eat her pussy? Hell yeah. Smell that beard. Smell that beard. All right, so let's talk about it. Two weeks ago, what happens? What's your opening line?

All right, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I don't know why I did that. Oh, my people are telling me no. My people are saying I have to sign. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Wait. This is so unfortunate. We'll edit that part out. There'll be a beep there. Don't tell anybody. That's an Asian person I approve. Don't tell anybody. Yeah, what kind of Asian are you?

Filipino. Oh, wait. You said you're good at Asian guessing, so let's see. Welcome to another episode of Asian guessing, everybody. Filipino? Not at all? No. Why'd you high-five me, bro?

I know the answer to this. I don't know why I was gonna say Mark Norman claims that I know his Asian. I know the answer to this. Japanese, then. I hear it. Japanese, then. Hawaiian.

Zero, zero. Really? Yeah. What are you? I did a 23 in me. Okay, what are you? Cambodian. Chinese.

Cambodian. I got it. World traveler, Ari Shafir. New podcast. You've been tripping all about travel coming out in September. Wow. Absolutely incredible. 80% Cambodian, 12% Korean.

Oh. Interesting. It's a bunch of different Asians. Okay. So, from Pangdang. That's... He was Chinese. Very inside.

He was 100% Chinese it turned out. Ladies and gentlemen, here's a joke book, Cheap. Let's see if you can catch this. Ready? There he goes. Cheap Rome, everybody. Good job, brother. Yeah, we're gonna do one more.

It's the longest episode we've done. Last one. Last one. We do one more. Last one. Let's keep going. Let's pick one out. Let's Shane pick one out.

Let's Shane pick one out. Shane never begins to pick one out. Let's Shane pick one out. Yeah, pick one out, Shane. How can we never let Shane pick one out? Shane Gillis, putting his... Let's find out if Shane can read. His ridiculously white hand went into the bucket.

He dropped a name. We'll never know who almost had their chance. Guys, a lot of guys think I dropped the first one. I didn't drop that. This is Ben Albert. Ben Albert. Makes a noise for Ben Albert. Here he is, everybody.

One more time for your final bucket pull of the night. Ben Albert. Ah, shit. I should have got the first one. Hold on. Hold on, everybody. Let's restart the clock. Come on.

Give him a chance. He may have waited years for this. This is the Kill Tony debut of Ben Albert, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ben. Clap your hands one more time for him. From a small town just north of here, Canada. Now, a small town comes with small town problems. You know, like in my hometown,

we didn't have to worry about COVID. We had bigger problems. You know, the other C word? Chlamydia. Serious. Chlamydia in a small town is kind of like the flu. You know, it comes around once a year. Everybody gets it.

Some people get it twice. I'm some people. Serious, I've had chlamydia so many times, I know how to spell it. No, seriously, I was at the doctor the other day. He's like, yeah, man, two more of these appointments and you get a free coffee. Serious.

I hate being around co-keds, because every time I'm around him, there's always that one guy that asks me if I want to fly. And when I say no, he's like, thank God. With that nose, there would be none left. I'm Ben Albert, guys, thank you. Ben Albert. The crowd laughed at times.

I thought you were God-awful, but I mean, they like you. You're visiting from Canada. You're a sweet boy. You have Ari Shafir's nose. Ben, how long have you been in stand-up? Two years. Two years, awesome. Where at in Canada, exactly?

Like seven hours north of Toronto. Seven hours north of Toronto. That's Russia, bitch. He's a fucking spy. Not on my watch, bitch. Seven hours north of Toronto. What the fuck are you doing up there? Are you walking or are you flying?

I need to know. Holy shit. What the fuck does that mean, seven hours? How? Are you on a fucking moose? What are you doing? How are you getting up there? Do you live in Spain?

Seven fucking hours? Snowmobile? What are you doing? That's incredible. Who are you performing for? Santa Claus? Seven people. I would have to do like three hours of driving just to do like an open mic, so.

Three hours to get to Toronto. I like that Chlamydia joke. One, it was good, and two, it exposed a lot of sluts in the audience who laughed. I am looking for that free coffee if there's any horrors in the building. How do you get Chlamydia seven hours north of Toronto? You gotta buy fucking Tony. How do you not get Chlamydia? What are you gonna fucking be choosy?

I'm gonna finish the question. Take your fucking chances, you're next to polar bears. He lives in southern Australia, I think. So let's talk about it. I forgot Red Band was here. It picks a spot. Now where are you at on the Trudeau blackface? That's your guy.

Wow. Looks like he's in support. Did you vote for him? I don't vote. Ah, good for you. I've never voted. What's gonna happen? I better not participate.

With the free healthcare, that'll cure up that dick of yours. Yeah, I know. Exactly. Connems are six bucks. My goodness, those are six Canadian dollars, though. Alright, so let's talk about it. What do you do for work seven hours north of Toronto? I was a steel worker in the real estate agent.

Yeah, everybody's got two jobs, seven hours north of Toronto, right? This igloo's got two rooms. This motherfucker's selling TPs. Seven hours north of Toronto. So that's obviously where you were born. No one moves there. Yeah, I was born there.

And how old are you? 26. How'd you get down here? How did I get down here? Yeah. I drove and then... Are you staying for a month down here? Was your big dream to move to Saskatoon?

No, Toronto's a big deal. Yeah, Toronto is a big deal to you. Did you get vaccinated? Yeah, I'm doubled up. You're what? I'm double, yeah, I'm double-vaxxed. Double-vaxxed? Did you have any side effects?

How did it make you feel? No. Really? You're a shit-come... I feel like I'm in an anti-vax room, but yeah. You're a shit-come out of your butt. That's a callback. Check out the Joe Rogan podcast tomorrow night.

And now an hour and a half ago, that would have made sense. Hey. Hey. You're a shit-come out of your own ass, dude. Is that a funny thing to say? Anyway, keep it up, you dumb gay Canadian. I think it's episode 1186 to begin... When this comes out a month and a half after the Rogan episode comes out, you guys all love it.

Yeah. You guys think we should bring up the guy that we dropped the name? Fuck yeah! All right, there goes Ben. Ben. Let's fucking go! Get out of here. There he goes, Ben Albert, everybody.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Jeff Chapman. All right, Chapman. Big chat. Hey, Jeff. Jay Chat, here he comes. Going the wrong way. Jeff Chapman. Going the wrong way, Jeff Chapman.

Going the long way around. How about Matt Alvarez? Matt Alvarez. Matt Alvarez. Let's go, Latino. Alvarez. Alvarez. Big Alvarez.

Oh, boy. How about Monica P? Monica. Monica P. Who? Is that Monica? What's the name? Monica P.

She's coming. Nope. She's coming. Nope. Here she comes, everybody. Monica P. Here we go. A minute from Monica P.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm going to use my joke book here. Hold on one moment. Oh. In Austin, there's three types of girls. Dairy, almond, and oat. And none of them are 100% straight.

Ever since the last time I've been on Kill Tony, my DMs have been on two spectrums. Retarded and very gay. Y'all can choose which one you're on. Sorry, it's a small one. I recently moved to Austin. No one told me how autistic the city is. Definitely gay.

Yeah, all right. That's it. All right. 55 seconds from Monica P. Welcome to the show, Monica. Obviously, you've been on the show before. Yes, yes. Right.

And now it's time for Monica P. Welcome to the show, Monica. Obviously, you've been on the show before. Yes, yes. Right. And now you are back. I am back and better. I'm in move to Austin now.

You moved to Austin. Yeah. When did you move to Austin? Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Yes. From where? Where'd you move from?

Dallas. Okay. Yep. And you know. And you're joining your co-host, Wayne from Wayne's World, to be here. All right. It's Garth, everybody.

She's Garth. Yeah. Dating's been fun out here. Yeah, tell us about it. Have you run into anybody that was autistic or gay? Yeah. What's love like on the spectrum? On the spectrum.

I guess I've had, I've had my, what is it, Jenny or Forrest Gump era. Before that was back in the days. You got AIDS and fucked up retarded guys? That is what happened. No. You fucked Hans without telling us you fucked Hans. No, no, no.

Not my time. I'm more of a, I like the short kings. Short kings. And Joe Rogan, everybody. Oh, shit. I don't know. It's better because then you don't like, I don't like bald guys.

Oh, shit. Come on. Sorry, boys. We're all going to be okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, nine months now. What? Nine months.

Gotta abort it. Yeah. The only thing. What do you do for work, Monica? Um, still a restaurant. I'm a host now. Where? I'm a daytime door guy.

Okay. Where? That's okay. On Congress. Okay. It's just a restaurant. She's not totally on the spectrum. Right.

She won't reveal her sources. No, no, no. I did that last time. That's true. Okay. I moved away. I moved all the way down here. All right.

Very good. So, Monica, uh, how long have you lived in Austin again? Two weeks. Two weeks. And what have you, uh, what do you like about Austin so far? Two weeks here. What have you learned about the city? Well, I tried a lot of these open mics and I ended up in a driveway.

What does that mean? Like a man, like a man's driveway. You've tried a lot of these open mics and you've ended up in a driveway. Yes. Because that's where they are. At that point, is it your fault or is it his fault? I don't know. I mean, are we, look, now I know, look, hold on, all jokes aside, as society, we're going

to sit around and be like, this freak was luring dumb girls into his driveway. And you would think, yeah, that's fucked up. But then you meet the dumb girls that were lured into the driveway. And then all of a sudden you're like, man, this guy was, you know, fishing with dynamite. There was two. Yeah. All right. See, you're saying that the open mics are actually in a driveway.

Yes. Okay. Which doesn't, I haven't paid my phone bill in like the past three months, so I don't have data. So I'm kind of like just taking it where it go, like where the Wi-Fi takes me is where I go. Wow. But I didn't have Wi-Fi there.

So it was a little scary. Wow. Data issues and daddy issues. Very interesting. Very hard to have both. But you pull it off. Monica, what do you do for fun? For fun.

Well, I kind of gave up on karaoke lately. It's the most boring people tonight, by the way. It is incredible. I'm like, what do you do for fun? I don't know. I work. I don't get like free time. Well, you gave up on karaoke?

Well, you weren't here last time. Man, you're not much of a loser you have to be. To give up on karaoke. Last time she was here, she said she was really good at karaoke, and it was just super mediocre. I feel like we need to hear it again, kind of. What do you want to sing? If red band wants it, that means we have to do it. What's your favorite song?

Tennessee Whiskey. If you had to sing one song in front of all of us, what would it be? In front of all of y'all? Yeah. Taylor Swift's stuff. You look like Taylor Swift a little bit. Yeah. You look like Taylor Slow.

What do you want to sing? Let's do... Stop pretending like you don't know what song you know how to sing. No, I don't know. Who wants to... Is anyone going to join me? No. Joe Rogan.

What the fuck are you talking about? We'll join you. Joe Rogan will sing. We got a Joe. We'll all join you. Joe. You just got to commit. Short King. Short King.

Short King. The thing that you really believe in. What do I really believe in? Yeah, yeah, good. This is fitting crazy. Patsy Cline. Hot Pop. Yes!

Wow. Okay. We got Texas bitch. Let it air out. Yeah. All right. Ladies and gentlemen. This...

What song? Is Monica P. They can do it. Say the song. They can do it. Crazy. I said it. Crazy.

Do you need the words? Yeah, I need the words. Thanks. That actually helps. Do I have to wait till... Here we go. Monica P. This didn't work last time.

And we're trying it again. Crazy. I'm crazy for feeling so lonely. I'm crazy. Crazy for feeling so blue. All right. I knew you'd love me. All right.

That's enough. That's enough. Jesus Christ. I didn't want it. Oh my God. Good fucking job. I can't believe you cut off Patsy Cline. You made us all give up on karaoke.

Yeah. Thank you. Some of those notes fell flatter than your chest. That was incredible. Jesus fucking Christ. There she goes. Monica P. everybody. There she goes.

P.U. Monica, take one of these. Since you used your joke book. Oh, wow. She's batted everything, folks. Monica P. Ladies and gentlemen, I was lying the whole time. Of course, there's one more comedian here with a brand new minute.

He's the longest standing regular in the history of the show. A guy that's going to show you how it's done with energy and written material. It's the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. I'm about to be an uncle for the first time and I'm pretty excited because my brother says I can be in the delivery room when he bangs his wife in front of the nurses. I'm pretty about to be an uncle though. That's just fun. An Italian man just tested positive for monkeypox, COVID and HIV all at the same time.

And I thought my trip to San Francisco was rough. There's a new program where prisoners are writing poetry to express their feelings. I wonder what these poems look like. Give me your money and give it to me now. If you don't shut the fuck up, my gun's going to go pow. Open up the trunk and get your fat ass inside. I'm going to be driving off a bridge, so hang on for the ride. I'm not too big into urban lore, but rumor has it Red Band once fell out of a treehouse and didn't get hurt.

Hey, Red Band, is that because you have a deal with the fucking devil? We all know you worship Satan, dude. Why are you doing that right now? Okay, didn't answer that. It was so predictable. That's why. There you go. I guess that's the end of his minute.

Yeah, that's it. There you go. All right. Very good. William Montgomery with a minute. He doesn't really ever close out, so you never know exactly when he's done. Everybody, make sure to go watch Fourth of July streaming on louisck.com right now. Yeah, it was a very big opportunity for me.

I took full advantage of it. Go watch my show. It's on. There you go. William Montgomery is here. It's been a long night, William. It has. Everybody loves you.

How's life been? It's good. The proud new timeshare owner at Grand Casino Tunica in Mississippi. Wait, what? Signed the papers yesterday. I'm the proud new owner of a timeshare down at Grand Casino Tunica. I see you're wearing the shirt that says Grand Casino Tunica, Mississippi. How much did you pay for that?

Yeah, it was, well, I paid, I think, 30,000 and Red Band's mom paid like 170,000. She got herpes, dude. Your mom has herpes. Did you know your fucking mom spent 170,000 fucking dollars to grab a time? That was supposed to be your inheritance. Yeah, no, no, no. It's not the inheritance. I know all about it.

Yeah, we're going to be living together. Yeah, I heard all about it. You guys are going to be living together in Tunica, Mississippi. We love each other, Red Band. Do you know that part? Yeah, I know all about it, man. Hey, dude, William, I went to Red Band's house in Columbus, Ohio. And I went to their bathroom.

Mrs. Red Band, giant case of herpes. Herpes. Yeah, well, I already know that one. I've had herpes for two years now. Yeah, thanks to my mom. Yeah, Red Band. Why would you bring that up? Because he makes a good point.

You have herpes. Yeah, I didn't want to fucking bring it up on the show. Yeah, I've had herpes for two years. I've actually really bad flare up right now. I don't know how many... Makes a noise if you have herpes. Oh, wow. Yikes.

Pretty much this side of the room. Yeah, all these people have herpes. It's the herpes section over here. My goodness. Hey, what the heck's going on, guys? So what does the flare up look like to you? What's it look like down there? If you had to describe it to us normies,

how would you say that? It looks like chicken pox. I don't know if y'all have ever had chicken pox. It looks just like that. Wow. Yeah, I wish I wasn't brought up. I mean, it's super embarrassing. I've literally had herpes for two years now.

I was never wanting that to get out, but... Does having a herpes outbreak ever stop you and Red Band's mother from making love to one another? No, we actually like it. When she has a flare up and I have a flare up, there is nothing. Literally, the fucking fireworks are flying. She says it feels like it's on fire when you fuck her.

It literally does. It's the hottest thing I've ever fucking done. Having sex with your mom when she has a flare up. I have a flare up. It's the fucking hottest shit I've ever done. Like fireball. We talk about you sometimes. It's very sweet.

Oh, shit. You talk about Red Band. What do you say? Like, is it during sex or immediately afterwards? It's during sex. Wow. What is this fucking Red Band's fucking bed he grew up in? Wow.

Anyone else hard? It's insulting by Red Band's mom. She threw the pen away a long time ago. Ooh, good one. There you go. Red Band's sneaking one more in there, everybody. So, we know that you regularly have sex with Red Band's mom. We also found out recently that you've been murdering people.

Can you tell us more about that? Yeah, I actually got three people down in San Antonio this past weekend, this past Saturday. And how did you kill these innocent three people in San Antonio? Bags three motherfuckers in San Antonio. I had this belt that I have on right now. I just wrap it around their necks, put a fucking plastic bag over their head. Yeah, oh my God.

What the fuck is going on? I'm confused. The guests are confused. You really killed somebody? Mark, I've literally, yeah. It started in San Diego. I got two Venezuelans in San Diego, and it was just like the biggest rush I've had.

You need a Louis C. Kelp. Why do you look like you have a homemade petting zoo? This was actually $500 on fucking eBay! No, it wasn't. I'm kidding. It is true. William does seem like he has some of the... Like, you look like you should live seven hours north of Toronto. It is a very Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer type of vibe that you have.

You look like a camp counselor that was let go. God, you gotta stop! Please! It's not a joke! Yeah, it's not a fucking... It's not a fucking joke, alright? See how easy it is? It's not funny!

Yeah, it's not. Can you please fucking stop? I'm about to fucking cry up your... I'm about to go fucking crazy right now. Oh, William, are you really about to cry? I'm literally about to cry up your chain. I have looked out for you for... William, when was the last time you cried?

Oh, God, I watched... Yo, Rogan, just ask you a question! I watched... You won't cry, pussy. I watched the second Herbie the Lovebug movie, I think on Thursday it was that... When Herbie starts fucking communicating with his fucking headlights and the windshield wipers,

it's the sweetest thing. It's a fucking car! That car loves that woman. It's a fucking car! I swear to God, yeah, it's a fucking car that loves the woman! And nothing's getting in the way! Now, you're gonna stop that car from loving that woman!

Yeah, seriously, the car loves the woman. It's Herbie the Lovebug too. Herbie, fully loaded. That's what you call a red band's mom, Herbie the Lovebug. Hey! Try to save this. William, anything else we should know about you

before we let you go? I'm literally, I think, gonna be an uncle today! My brother Vance and his wife, Christia, are having a child. So, we'll see how that goes. All right, William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes. Did you guys have fun tonight?

Huh? How about a hand for my guests? Ari Shafir of Skeptic Tank. Yoga. Travel. Shane Gillis of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Mark Normand of Tuesdays with Stories. And our friend Joe Rogan of the Joe Rogan Experience.

How about one more time for the band, everybody? Michael Gonzalez, John Dees, Paul Deemer. D-Madness and Matt Mueling. The official Kill Tony after party starts right now. You're already sitting at it. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It features all of the guests. And let's look at the local art from Chris Rogers, everybody,

while you were sitting there doing nothing. He came out with a drawing of William Montgomery that is now for sale. It is at a live auction right now that you're at, so you can make an offer for that painting. And perhaps walk out of here with a William Montgomery portrait. We love you guys so much. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

Love you guys. Good night, everyone. The official Kill Tony after party starts now. Nether Hour will be on stage in just a minute. Good night. Thank you. Good night.