KILL TONY - #575 - RON WHITE + BRIAN SIMPSON + RYAN LONG

Episode Date: September 20, 2022

Ron White, Brian Simpson, Ryan Long, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/05/2022

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also.

So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff.

Go to ryanjeebelt.com. And last but not least, tonyhinchcliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is the Red Band Company live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchcliff.

You guys really have the best god damn on your 90-year lives in a while. Yeah! Make some noise for my friend Red Band, everybody. Hey, everybody! Right here. He invented podcasting a long time ago. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rows

and the Yellow Rows, the two best strip clubs on planet motherfucking Earth, which are all here in Austin. And so is Deep Eddie Vodka, which believe it or not is also an amazing sponsor of the show. How are you guys doing tonight? Are we feeling OK? Bringing everything together. How about a hand for the god damn band?

Am I right, people? That is the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's the great Paul Deemer on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys. Dave Cher stepping in on the bass guitar tonight. And Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. D-Madness not here this week, which is interesting

because a fun fact that I heard before the show is he left his cane here last week. Our boring bass player forgot, or perhaps didn't see his cane here. They got it now. Yeah, we've recovered it, but we have no idea where D-Madness is tonight. Conspiracies are saying that he's not even blind.

That's what a lot of people on Reddit are saying. It's very, very exciting. Something to keep an eye on for the future. We're happy to have you guys here. We're going to have a lot of fun. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. September 29th through October 1st, Nashville, Tennessee. October 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

October 14th and 15th, I am in Boston, Massachusetts. November 4th and 5th, New York, New York. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchcliff.com. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what, huh? You guys are in for a treat, man.

You know, sometimes you have the fucking... Sometimes we have the famous fucking unbelievable guests, and sometimes, you know, we have the most talented... I mean, truly, I like to think that we were the first... If you go way back in history, go look at who was booking Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon, you know, these monsters that all of these people... Go see who was really putting them out there first.

And I would say, with no ego, that we are the best at finding monsters right before everybody else knows about them. Tonight is one of those nights. This is truly two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth that I think the whole fucking globe is gonna know about. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Brian Simpson and Ryan Locke. You're gonna say that you saw them here tonight.

That's Brian Simpson. That's Ryan Locke. Welcome, guys. That was an intro that makes it seem like you guys aren't famous at all. Brian, you've been on the show multiple times. He is the newest Netflix special for those of you that don't believe me. He's an absolute genius. Destroyed here in shows this week.

I just moved here, too. Yeah, the newest resident of Austin, Texas. Yeah. Finally, another black... Another black in the city of Austin. We love it. But he's housed. He has a house, everybody, so... He's one of the good ones.

Yeah, I had to trade for a permit, like a liquor license. You know what I mean? It's on, like, 250 of us allowed. We are at the limit, I do believe. But here to offset him is Ryan Long, everybody. Ryan Long is here. This is his first time on Kill Tony. This is very, very exciting. I am a huge, huge fan of the videos that you've been making for a very long time.

And, of course, as a stand-up comedian, we always perform at Skankfest together. I'd also like to announce that I will be moving to Austin as well. Wow, look at that. Another one. I'm not, but that felt pretty good, huh? It's a good way to get applause. Get the applause like that, yeah. I like how these motherfuckers was... I live here, they were like, uh...

This, like I said, I will be moving here in the future and they lost their fucking minds. The new newest member to Austin. Well, believe it or not, we have another guest that's going to be joining us in just a little bit. He also lives in Austin, Texas. That's going to be exciting. But let's just start tonight's show. What do you guys think? Should we do that? You guys know how it works.

Comedians signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. Sometimes it's the debut of a fucking freak from the future who you're going to know forever. You know, we've broken many great comedians here, finding them out of the bucket. And sometimes it's a mentally challenged, homeless guy that, uh... thought he was signing up for like a lottery or something like that. Anything can happen. We see 60 seconds of their stand-up and then I interview them afterwards and we all find out more about them. You know, their time is up uninterrupted 60 seconds when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Oh, you can barely hear that, Red Band. That's the sound of a kitten there. It's the show. We've been doing it nine and a half years, everybody. Red Band still forgets his cues, everyone. Nine and a half years all around the world. That means that you have to wrap it up when you hear that kitten or else you're going to bring it up. There you go. Very good. You're timing there, Red Band. You're unbelievable. Yes. Yes, I stumbled on the cue that I've been doing for nine and a half years while making fun of you

for stumbling on your cue that you fucked up that you've been doing nine and a half years. You guys ready to start this, motherfucker, or what? You know, that was cute and all. I could tell a lot of you are visiting from other places, but we have to do a little bit better than that. I know it's Monday. Are you guys ready to start the greatest live podcast on Planet Earth? Performing a new minute right now, one of our regulars. We literally met this guy a year and a few months ago. He was living in his van. He had been an open miker for seven years at the time.

He's now rich, has his own house, is on jets regularly. We just found out he's doing the London O2 Arena with Joe Rogan in a month. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. H-A-M-S-K-I-M. What's up? It's good to be here with Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Canadian Pete Davidson. My name is Hans Kemp. I'm an Asian man. I'll be the female comedian of the night.

I love the ladies. A lot of ladies are worried about having a thigh gap, but if you're with me, you don't have to worry about that shit because I got really skinny hands and I can finger you from any angle. But thank you for shouting, you fucking idiot. I love the ladies. I'm looking for a woman who doesn't believe in too many isms, capitalism or communism or autism. It's hard to date. You know, a lot of dates go poorly with me because girls never want to admit they're on a date with me, even when they're on a date with me.

It's like asking a guy at a basketball court, hey, you want to play basketball? And he's like, I'm just here to make friends. Why is everything about basketball with you? Alright, that's my time. Thank you. Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. Hans, welcome back to the show. Another brand new minute. How do you feel right now? I feel amazing. I think we're under a nuclear attack or something like that.

You guys feel that? Is that just a car system? Jesus Christ. Looks like we're at 251, Brian Simpson, you know what I'm saying? Okie dokie. You guys don't remember that joke from two and a half minutes ago. Perfect. I'm pretty sure Hans is a half South Korean and half North Korean. It's not autism. It is interesting. It is very interesting. We always try to figure out where the Asian starts and the autism ends on this one. Obviously the shirt is autistic tonight.

I mean, wow, Hans Kemp coming in dressed like a teddy bear for those of you listening to the podcast. I mean, this was like one of the test shoots on child's play or something like that. Maybe yellow pocket gray shirt? No. Cosby sweater-ish. It is. It is Cosby-esque. You know, if you put your mind to it, you can overcome your autism and open up for Joe Rogan, children. There you go. Absolutely. Can't tell by the shirt, but he is indeed richer than he's ever been in his life.

I'm just happy he left the matching hat with the propeller on it in the dressing room. Ah, that is what it looks like. Yeah, I didn't want you to fuck me, Ryan Long. You pervert. Why would he fuck you? Look at his tattoos. He has a childlike sense of sexuality. Oh my goodness. Precious. I'm not going to fuck a kid guy. I'm not gay. Yeah, gay would be disgusting.

I don't know, man. I'll say put on the hat and let's see what happens. Please don't. I only brought one pair of boxers. It really does look like you should have a propeller. Oh, there's a fly, everybody. Welcome back to Vulcan Gas Company, where there's literal fucking horse flies in the venue. The owner here is mentally ill. While we're talking about mental illness, it might be a good time to bring up the owner of the venue that we're at that swears that it's normal to have bat-sized flies in a venue in Austin.

What do you want? It's Austin. That's what it is. Nothing we could do about it. It's fucking them. It's just what happens here. There's just flies. What do you want? Look at this thing. So annoying. And if we see one, that means that there's like 50 of them. Anyway, fucking fantastic. Like people moving to Austin. Yeah, exactly. Too many of them. That must be one of those California flies.

You know what I'm saying? Hans Kim, how's the rest of your life been lately? It's been amazing. I recently moved in with the lovely Brian Simpson as my roommate, actually. Oh, wow. Look at that. Wow. Incredible. This sounds like a joke. An Asian, a black walk into a...

walk into a fucking rental home and fucking... Well, there's a third roommate, which makes the joke even funnier. We spend a lot of time arguing about how to fry chicken properly. He thinks Koreans have it down pat. He thinks the way to do it is at an open fire at the table that you're sitting at. You seem like the kind of guy that likes North Korean barbecue, which is eating nothing at all. For some reason, you're allowed to make jokes about North Koreans,

but no other types of Asians. Just a little fun fact for you. Keeping track. Right now, you can only make... Do you agree with that? North Koreans? North Koreans fuck them. Right. Bold political stance there. Yeah. You know, I'm very skinny, which you noticed,

but I like to think like I'm like the Asian Pete Davidson, maybe. What are all these Pete Davidson references you're making? Do you like pay you for this or something like that? Hey, I don't think Tony likes me. Can you come in and just drop my name a few times? You're the Asian Pete Davidson with no tattoos and no bitches. Yeah. Yeah. I thought you were the Asian version of the other Asian guy that canceled Tony.

Yeah, he is. He is. This is what I do. He's like an Asian Pete Davidson. Hans, what else? Tell us something else about your life right now. I met a beautiful lady in San Antonio. I recently went down to visit her for the weekend and we got a little frisky, unprotected sex. Whoa, unprotected sex has been hauled on the field, ladies and gentlemen. There could be someone that will be wrapped in that shirt one day.

He lives with a black man for one week and he's already being sexually irresponsible. That's crazy. That was when he didn't put a condom on the strap on. Holy shit, there's a giant bug on your back. Jesus Christ. Wow. That was crazy. What the fuck is that?

What is that? Did you catch that? You caught that with your hand? What the fuck is going on here? Jesus fucking Christ, man. Would you be surprised if Hans trained that bug? Fuck with anybody that roasted it. The bug was a plant. Very good.

We're doing a podcast right now. Check my back. I'll check yours. I love it. Thank you. I love it. Hans, good job on the noticing that bug. I can't believe I didn't see that. Did that fly and land on him? This is good. This is a good Vulcan gas company. You've now made your bugs the stars of the show.

Congratulations. Wondering why I was, quote, freaking out about the bugs is this is where it's come to four weeks later. We've now found new species of bugs here. Literally bugs that are raised on fucking screwball, peanut butter, whiskey, and deep-eddy vodka. It's super fly strength. That was for telling me I should wear a yellow hat.

I put the bug on him. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You saved my life, dude. Thanks, man. I love you. I'd love to do a video with you. What the fuck? Hans can save my life tonight. All right.

Hans Kim, you got the show started again. Congratulations. Another new minute from Hans Kim. Make some noise for him. There goes Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Hey, let's bring up another guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, Austin's own Ron White. Come on. Let's go. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Motherfucking White has arrived. Hell, Motherfucking, yes. What the fuck, man? I love it.

Welcome, Ron. We're already off to a fun start. We got the bugs out of here. I'll fix everything. Everything's all nice for you. We just saw Hans Kim. How you doing, Ron? I feel like a hundred pesos.

That's a lot of cash. Seven dollars. No, I'm great. I just got back from the road last night and I heard you had a spot that you could stick me in on this show. So I came down to celebrate and party with all my friends.

One of the coolest human beings that have ever existed on planet Earth. Ron White is here. That's the great Ryan Long and Brian Simpson next to you. Brian's the newest resident of Austin, Texas. Don't think about moving here. We're going to have fun.

You guys ready to pull a name out of this bucket with me? We're going to meet somebody right now and then I'm going to interview them. We're going to find out more about them. This is a kill Tony. I do believe debut. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for David Rios, everyone.

Here we go. Anything could happen. Could be a weary traveler. Could be a local legend. Could be a first time. Could be a 10 year vet. Ooh, a little stumble. One more time for David Rios, everybody.

How are we doing tonight? Thank you, Tony, for pulling me in my name out because I actually came from the doctor today and I got some bad news and I kind of thought I'd sign up today and get lucky. Maybe express some joy because I didn't get too joy today.

So I got diagnosed with PN syndrome. I was kind of curious what he was trying to talk about and I was like, what's that? He said, you have perfect nipple syndrome. You know something I've suffered my whole life and it makes sense. I mean, when I talk to people, they don't look me in the eye.

They kind of look at my nipples. Kind of like all you all are doing right now, pretty much. I mean, I guess I could tell my mom, at least Ron White, got to look at my nipples today a little bit. Kind of happy about that. A guy and a life goes on. But you know, living with this is kind of hard to say because most people after I tell them,

they're going to say, let me see them. Show me your nipples. Show me your chichis. And I don't show them for free, no. I'm not free. You can show them. Follow my OnlyFans if you want to do something like that. But I had a whole little minute about my ass

but I'll stay with the chichis. Was there jokes in it? No. Are you, is this all buildup for the big pop? It's a life problem. This was all true. OK. That's a minute from David Rios, everybody.

Give it up for David. It was my first time, obviously. OK. I was going to get there, but you couldn't wait, could you? Start getting those excuses out there right away. It's my first time. I had a really rough childhood. My car broke down earlier.

I was dehydrated. There was no water anywhere. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a. I love it. I want to be cliche and start out with, this is my first time. Well, it's funny. This is 60 seconds ends and you start telling the truth about things.

Like you didn't go to a doctor today. He didn't tell you had perfect nipple syndrome, but at some point you thought that was funny. Where were you when you, where were you when you wrote this? Were you at a fentanyl clinic or something like that? Like what, how exactly did something like that? Cause I had a first time too, but I, I, I've been told with other girls about my nipples and I've actually,

when I talked about having kids one day, I've always said, I hope they have my nipples. I mean, this is wild because this is, normally that in a normal stand-up show, it would be like, well, I guess that guy just talked about his nipples. We never got to see them. But this is Kiltoni and there's no doubt about it. If you're going to say you have perfect nipples.

I'm going to perk right through this real fast. Wait a second. Those are not perfect nipples. There's not a defined boundary there. They sort of like fade out. They're not black. Oh my God. Damn.

I thought you were going to shoot some like milk. Those are beautiful. Ron White actually has better nipples than you. I'm not surprised. They match the hair too, which is pretty crazy. My goodness gracious. How do we match the hair, dude? Exactly.

Oh, the hairy nipples. Tony, I knew it was going to be bad when he thanked you for pulling his name out of the bucket, even though it's completely random. Right. Exactly. Thank you for making me follow Hans Kim. Dude, it didn't matter who you were following tonight, bro.

Oh, Hans Kim really buried me out there. I went out there with nothing and nothing happened, but it was anybody but Hans. I got to tell you, it was painful to watch. It really was. It was almost like you were slowly drinking a cup of your own warm sperm. Glug, glug, glug.

I bet if you did drink your own sperm, your nipples would be nicer. That's what happened to me. If the nipples had been fired, if the nipples had been fired, it would have made up for the minute he did this. Hey, I didn't get to rub them at first. I just showed them raw dog.

Shut up. There you go. He's still bombing, ladies and gentlemen. The rare is still bombing. He's just jumping in with nothing. I don't know where you get your confidence from, bro, but it must be like solar powered or something like that. David, tell us, this is your first time ever doing stand-up comedy.

How old are you? I'm 34. Just moved to Austin last month. Where'd you move from? From Dallas, Texas. Okay. All right. 34 years old. Moving here now.

You spent 34 years in Dallas? No. I was seven years in Denver, Colorado. Born in Dallas. Born in Dallas. And what do you do for work? I work for airlines here in Austin. Oh, really?

What do you do? What do you do for airlines? I push back planes. Oh, wow. The bags around. So you work at the airplane place right here? Yeah. The airplane.

The first storm or whatever it is. I mean, you're the one responsible for pushing back the airplanes? It's all ground operations. Yeah. This video is going to be used on a dateline report one day. That's why I didn't mention the actual airport. I just said the airline. I just said the airlines.

Oh, my goodness. I'm not the other Austin's that come here with no job. I actually have a career here. Wow. That might be the issue. Yeah. There are some nice nipples in Dallas, but this is Austin fucking Texas. Exactly.

That's Spirit Airline Nipples. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They rub them. They go to the American Airlines. Shut the fuck up, David. You contribute nothing.

You a Cowboys fan? You know it. I am. That explains it. He used to a big buildup that goes nowhere. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah.

So let's talk about it. What made you want to do this at the age of 34? Lifelong, or not lifelong, a year long fan. Right. So when I just moved to Austin, it would, I've been, since I moved here, I've been thinking about coming here and then literally first time, first sign up. Didn't even have a ticket and I came in and I performed. I'm pretty, I mean, Ron White.

You bombed. I know. I mean. Stop pointing at Ron White. Yeah. I'm still happy by the situation. Yeah. Okay, David.

It could be better. All right. I get it. Tell us something interesting about your life. Do you have any special skills or talents? I play poker a lot. I've lost 120 pounds in four months. Whoa.

He's on blood. The nipples weren't always as great as they are maybe today. Holy shit, dude. So you're on cocaine. I wish. How did you lose 120 pounds in four months? Well, I was at college at the time and wait, I just lived in the gym and I just walked every day.

Pretty much. But I was overweight. So 120 pounds. I was 320 pounds at the time. So I could lose that much. So it's, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, you do have to weigh that much to lose that much. I mean, it's easier for if I lost 120 pounds.

I would be that fly that jumped into the lights earlier. Negative. Wow. Incredible. What? I think you have a fly in your butt. Get it in. Oh my God, David.

I'm still trying. David, I don't know why you're trying. You're literally not funny. And also reusing jokes from Hans Kim's plant. You know what? This feels like you didn't make a girl come and now you're throwing cold water on her like, just leave that track. Well, David, I don't know what to tell you, but for some reason you will get a little

joke book to take with you. That's a handmade Texas leather joke book. David Rios, everybody. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get the fuck out of here. This ain't the fucking win a handshake from Ron White. Show you homo. Get the fuck out of here.

Uh-uh. If someone does good enough, Ron will reach his fucking hand out there. Does that sound fair? That's what you win on this show, a handshake from Ron White. All right. I mean, I don't even know how to read that. You get punished if your handwriting is completely illegible, by the way. That's ridiculous.

Make some noise for Greg Jones. Greg Jones. You guys having fun out there? No show yet? Shit's about to go down. Let's see what happens here. This looks like another new name. Perhaps we'll be lucky enough for it to be someone that's prepared.

Is there no Greg Jones? No movement? All right. This is fucking perfect. Absolutely great. All right. So this young man makes some noise for Trey Pak, everybody. He works here.

You know him. You love him. You've seen him before. Part of the weight loss challenge. And he is back. This is Trey Pak, everyone. How are we doing? Good to see you, everybody.

Hell, yeah. You guys, there are too many homeless people in Austin. All right. I'll say it, dude. I'm not starting to purge. Everyone can calm down. It's fine, dude. There aren't too many of them, though, right?

I just moved here from Tennessee. And in the town I moved from, there are no homeless people in my entire hometown, right? Since moving to Austin, I've had to learn the plural for homeless. Anybody familiar? You know the plural for homeless? No? Homeless? That's cute.

It's actually veterans, believe it or not. It's veterans. This is why we put your phones in little great bags, ladies and gentlemen. This is it right here. Hell, yeah. We put your phones in little great bags so we can be really funny. Do you hear what I'm saying? I think anything can be funny.

I think anything in the world can be funny, okay? I hate when people say that you can't joke about that. I think that's dumb, okay? Because if a joke is written well and it's delivered properly, anything can be funny. Except for abortions. Abortions are not funny. Because with abortions, there is no delivery. So fucking good at this, dude.

You guys see that one? That was so cool. Guys, I'm going to trade back. Thank you so much. Everybody, wow. Look at that. Fucking doing it. Living the dream.

Yes, sir. Absolutely. What do you do, sir? I work here. What do you mean? I like what I've seen before. You came up with solid jokes, two of them. Long setups and a punch line.

I congratulate you. I can see some growth in that. That is true. That is a good analysis. That was great, dude. Just do not lose the weight. But if you do, solid nipples coming for you. I promise my nipples are better than that fucking guys.

They're not guaranteed. I mean, are you really guaranteeing it? Here we go. Those are some dark nipples. That's clean. This is clean. This is what you do after you've been doing the same podcast for nine and a half years. You have to find new ways to keep the show evolving at all times.

The last time Ron was here, I was shirtless on this stage. Really? I'll just come over and take my shirt off. Was that during the weight loss challenge in which I believe you gained weight? Isn't that right? Sam gained weight. How much did you lose? 21 pounds.

Did you gain it back since then? Yeah. Yes, you did. I found it. It was not hard to find. You are a big, big little boy. I'd love to see you try to squeeze into that shirt Hans Kim was wearing earlier. Where's that?

That's what I secretly wore. The good news is he just ate all the flies. I feel like pulling out their nipples is how they got all the homeless people to leave their hometown. Trey, those were beautiful nips. Tell us more about your life. What else do you do for fun? I just do drugs and have sex with girls, dude. That's happy every day.

Jesus. Wake up, dude. My God, aren't you the most fucking rock and roll fat guy I've ever seen in my life? The best, dude. Holy shit. What kind of drugs are you doing exactly? Dude, I'll get on that cocaine. What kind of girls are you doing?

What? You do cocaine? Too much. I do so much cocaine. It's a problem. It's a real problem. Are you getting cocaine confused with carbohydrates? The fuck is going on right now?

It's just... What kind of cocaine is this? Is it cake batter? Coke. Coca-Cola. It was Coca-Cola. Oh, my God. Too much.

Too much. You do a lot of cocaine. When I can, I can afford it, dude. Yeah. Wow. Can you imagine if he stops doing cocaine? How fat he would be? I know.

I know. Dude, I gotta live a healthy life. That life's how it is maintained this way, dude. It's a nightmare. God. So you do cocaine and then you eat sometimes? You just stay up eating? I mean, I can eat whenever, dude.

It's not like... I've done acid and it doesn't matter. Nothing's gonna stop this train. Yeah, Brian Simpson. He makes cocaine gravy for everything? Yeah. What's the weirdest thing you've done cocaine off of? I had some...

Okay, listen. I had some fall on my boob the other day, and I tried to reach it, but couldn't. So I think we just keep eating. We'll get there, and I'm gonna do cocaine off my own tits before it's all fixed. Wow. You're not far. And then we'll die. And then we'll die, and that's fine, dude.

We'll just get there. You look like when you get coked up, you get people in the corner and tell them about your new pie-tasting business. Oh, dude, no. I get coked up and just... Listen, my goal every day is to just do drugs and have sex with girls. When I'm sober, I am terrified of women. It's the craziest thing, dude.

So let's talk about it. When you're not sober, what happens? They're terrified of him. Yeah, dude. I know. I know. I know. It's like dealing with a wild animal, dude.

I'm much more afraid of them than they are of me. I promise, dude. So tell us about it. Like, how do you end up closing with women? Dude, honestly, when you get to be this size, there are women in the world that just like big dudes. And they walk. Hell yeah, dude.

What are you doing later? What's up, girl? Oh, shit. I hope you like fucking loud and interruptive women. I do. I do. It reminds me of my mom. Yeah.

It's good. Nailed it. Oh, my God. Red Band, come on. Is your mama bigger lady? She's so big. Oh, my God. Are you serious?

So she's lost some weight, but she is. My mom's built like one of those popsicles. You know what I mean? That's got like the two sticks and then they're big at the top. Two sticks. That's where I got this shape from. Like a water tower. My mom's legs look like this, dude.

This is what my mom's legs look like. So she's got skinny legs and big as hell. Big as hell? She's so big. Oh, my God. It's something, man. Damn. What popsicle is this, though?

Yeah. Upside down the popsicle. You're talking about a two stick? Well, I always ate them together, but like the shareable popsicles, as you pop apart. You know what I'm talking about. I always ate them. You've always ate the one.

Yeah. You've always ate them. Yeah, exactly. I just nibbled on the stick. I mean, look at me. All right, Tray Pat. But no, dude, like when people are built like you, like women, when they have sex with me,

they have to get over my worst flaw immediately. Right. Right? I'm okay with fucking me. The rest of it's fine. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that'd be a shame if they got over that and then your dick was your second worst flaw. Yeah. I mean, it's not second to worst, but it's like, we're making the list, dude. It's not good. It's fine.

It's fine. Tray, I'd love to have you back on the secret show Thursday. There you go. And you already have one of these, right? There he goes. Tray Pack, everybody. Another young rising Austin Talon. A lot of these guys that work here, you know,

they sacrifice a lot. They see a lot. They get to learn a lot. A lot goes on here. It's crazy. All right. That guy ruled. What?

That guy ruled. Yeah, he's fun. We have a good crew here. Thanks so much for your next comedian. It's Beau Scott, everyone. Beau Scott. Live on Kill Tony in Austin, Texas. Make some noise for him.

One more time for Beau Scott, everybody. Hey, what's up, party people? My name's Beau. Everybody say hi, Beau. Hi, Beau. So I got a redneck grandma, and she's got a black lab named Mandy. And Mandy's a piece of shit. The other day Mandy brought our neighbors prize-winning

lop-ear rabbit, Anthony Hopkins, dead in his mouth. My grandma, she was freaking out so you didn't want to know. So she washed it, dried them, and put it back in his cage. I was like, fucking grandma, Anthony looks like he's got a fucking Brazilian blowout. I was definitely going to know it was you. Sure enough, they came over the next day like, Do you guys know what happened to Anthony? She's like, last night we buried him in the backyard,

and this morning he was right there in his cage. Holy shit. He was confidently putting the microphone back in the mic stand like he just did something brilliant. That is what I believe is the Kill Tony debut of Beau Scott, right? This is your first time on the show? I did one of your first shows actually up in the belly room. Really?

How long ago was that? It was Christmas time, your first time you ever started. 2013? Holy shit. Shame joke. Yeah, have you done anything since then? No. Really?

This is your second time ever doing comedy? I quit for like four years. I fucking bet you did, dude. I bet you did. I just saw your newest minute. I couldn't tell. I mean, that was an old joke, right? But it was so poorly told.

I can't remember the fucking joke. It was very, very poorly told. That's not how it went in my head. But yes, like if I could deliver that better, I think it would be good. Full disclosure, Tony, I started with him in San Diego fucking 12 years ago. What do you mean? He started 12 years ago? 12 years ago?

Yeah. What the fuck? I recused myself from this roast. Oh my God. Yeah, I know Beau from San Diego also. Holy, it's all coming out, Beau. It's been four years since I've been on stage. And so I was like, not really expecting to get up here.

Okie dokie. Perfect. So tell us about your life. Is there anything interesting about you at all whatsoever? Yes, actually. Have you guys not seen the hat? Yeah. Yeah, I have seen it.

Is there something interesting about them? I've seen it. I've seen it in every single window on Congress Avenue. And I finally found out who's buying this piece of shit. My wife hates this hat. She actually tells me never to wear it. Wow. So I don't know, I'm curious.

You guys had or no hat? I don't know. Let's see. Take off the hat. Oh wow. Now he's still a douchebag, folks. Still a douchebag. Both ways.

Ok, now remove the doing comedy. See what that looks like. I think that's a good life. Did you notice any significant improvement over the last four years? No, I haven't. About the same? No, like really, the delivery was not good. But my comic muscle has dwindled out.

Was there ever a muscle there? I was alright for a little bit. I did some shows. Really? I booked Brian for free one time. Yeah, I mean, yeah. No, motherfucker, you booked me for $20 that you never gave me. That's not the same thing as booking me for free.

Oh shit. Same $20 you used to buy that hat. Oh my god. Bo, what do you do for a living? Funny, you should ask that. Funny, you should ask. Tony, well let's see how fucking funny it really is, Bo. What's the answer to the question?

Let's see how fucking hilarious this is going to be. I'd imagine it's going to be hysterical. I do sound actually, so I flew here from Atlanta actually just to pass on. Wow, well you must have loved how quiet it was during your set. That's incredible. I know you sound guys like a good clean pallet to start with. What kind of sounds are you making? What are they, booze?

I just, I produce events and I make music. Okay, alright. Okay, how do you feel right now? Do you feel comfortable in this? I feel like I've been hiding over there with no water for like an hour and I can't let you stop. Literally, I made a joke earlier about a guy making excuses up here. In the joke I mentioned being dehydrated not having enough water,

this guy came up and literally did that. You're like, what is happening? I'm eating these. Oh, perhaps a listerine breath strip is going to make him hilarious all of a sudden, everybody. Oh shit, Brian Simpson getting some of the debt that he's owed from years ago. He's like, now it's 1990, you owe me. Alright, boo, I'm going to try to get a real comedian,

someone that prepared for this and that wants to be up here. Ladies and gentlemen, Bo Scott giving us an update. It's been, I think, nine years since we saw him, 13 years. He's been doing it. That's at least all that we know. I should have asked, but I couldn't bear to have him up here any longer. Oh shit, he's back, everybody. Did you guys get the punchline, though?

Bo, get the fuck off the stage right now. Wow, and after all that, he's banned for life. Isn't that amazing, folks? How stupid. Let's do something, should we do something special right now? Alright. In order to sort of give us a fresh reset here, I'm going to bring up another one of the newest residents of Austin, Texas,

a guy that has been a regular on this show for years, one of the most prolific roasters and writers in the show's history. Thanks so much for David Lucas, everybody. Yeah, what's up? My Google search history is wicked. I got stupid shit in my Google search, like does crack really help you lose weight? That's the kind of stupid shit I got.

I want to adopt a white baby. Like, I want to adopt a white retarded baby. I want to adopt a white retarded baby so I can teach him how to call people the n-word. So they can be like, oh my God, I'm like, hey, bitch, don't you see he got a helmet on? This nigga don't know what the fuck he's doing. This motherfucker is drooling out the mouth.

He don't know what the fuck he is doing, man. He ain't never hurt nobody. Like, yeah, I should be able to adopt a white kid. I mean, white people adopt black babies all the time. You know what I'm saying? White people carry around black babies like they design their handbags. So, like, this the new nigga by Gucci. 2018 fall collection.

All right, thank y'all. David Lucas coming in, showing us how it's done once again. Unbelievable. One of the hardest jobs in comedy is writing and performing in a new minute every single week, out in public. Anything can happen in front of a live audience, in front of your peers, and somehow you come through every goddamn time.

How are you? The hardest thing to do was to pretend to be a straight man. Okay, David, oh my God. I try to give him a compliment. I try to be, it is hard. It is hard. I'm dealing with a lot of monkey pox side effects right now, and... He had that motherfucking anal swab, huh?

Oh, my God. Can you use the bit Q-tip when you test me? I swear to God. When you're... Matter of fact, swear of your finger around. Oh, come on. Jesus Christ, David. You don't even give me a chance.

What's up, buddy? No, I love it. You're fantastic. That was an absolute amazing set. I love your comedy. I love you as the current White House press secretary. I'm smarter than that bitch. She's stupid as fuck.

You're like the speaker of the house of pancakes. Tony, you speak every time a gay nigga dies. That's actually true. That's actually true. I'm so gay I might end up fucking your diabetic foot one day without you even noticing. Dennis Rodman, 91, like your blood sugar. Very cool.

I like the shirt. We know you ain't got to worry about no hemorrhoids. What? Makes no sense. Is that a diabetic side effect? No, bro. You got to kill a whale hole for a booty hole. Oh, come on.

Shoot water for 40 feet. Like a super soca. You guys want to see a trick? That motherfucker put a birthday candle out from across the room. Well, that's a lot. That's the last time I get you a birthday cake with candles. I love it, David. You're an incredible force.

This is, have you guys seen David before? You guys know David, right? Me and Ryan White. Me and Ryan White, cool. Me and Brian Simpson, cool. And Long, right? Ryan Long. Wow.

John Long. Ryan Long. Wow. One of the weirdest insults I've ever seen you do to anybody. Bruh, I just met the nigga 30 minutes ago. He cool though. He cool as fuck. He cool.

New York, you know what I'm saying? From Canada. Absolutely. I did tell him my name is John, by the way. Yeah, I thought so. Didn't you? No. Man, you fucking Tony Hawk reject.

Shut your eyes. Shut your eyes. Fucking. This is interesting to watch you two go at each other. Because it's Ryan Long meet David White. That motherfucker jack off to Lupe Fiesco mix tapes. What? Kick, push.

You know? Coast. You are the fucking lakeiest white dude I've seen in a long time without a basketball in his head. I know your fucking country is not proud of you, nigga. You could have represented Canada. You can't dribble. You uncoordinated what happened, bruh.

You got a nose ring like Dennis Robin. What the fuck going on, bruh? I am Canadian, yes. That is correct. That fucking maple syrup you fucking all love, dawg. You would know. Stupid. It's all dumb.

David, what have you been doing for fun in Austin, Texas? You're a full-time resident now. We've been going out listening to some music together. Legit, bruh. I've been, since I moved here, I've been on everybody's podcast. I've only been able to fish, like, twice in the past month. Wow. And I'm fucking, you know, on the road with you, fucking other comedians, and also

headlining my own dates. That's right. So I was like, I don't really have a lot of free time. Busy, busy boy. I love it, man. I was real scared moving to Austin. I'm not gonna lie, because I moved to LA when I was 19, bruh. But fucking, if Austin didn't just skyrocket to the top of my favorite city so quickly,

that would be awesome. Yeah, absolutely. No doubt about it. White girls everywhere. His favorite city before this was Candyland, everybody. Tony, ain't you from Boys Town? Nigga, get the fuck out. Ain't you from Boys Town, Ohio, motherfucker?

That is. Where you gotta fucking sit down to pee is mandatory. I actually prefer it. Hell yeah, David. All right. Well, we're gonna see you next week and every week after that. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I might, you know, I might miss one or two Mondays here and there just because I got kids. Kids, man. I got kids, man. My goodness. Wow. You can't get the kids out here? Yeah, my baby mommas ain't with that Texas shit. They too black for that, man.

They're like, don't they be killing black folks in Texas? I'm like, no, bitch, that was 100 years ago. This guy's out here with his kids in California talking about adopting white babies out here. Yeah, I'm about to have me some mixed kids, nigga. They haven't killed the nigga in Texas since the Cowboys made the playoffs. Oh, shit. It's about to be a murder when Alabama play UT next week, nigga. That's about to be a murder.

Oh, no. Ain't it y'all booing, nigga? Put your money up. Put your money up. Oh, shit. If you believe in UT that much, nigga, I got $1,000 on Belma right now. Wow. Anybody who believes in UT that much, see me in the corner and we can run all them bets.

If you believe that much, and that sucker ass head coach y'all got. Wow. David Lucas. David Lucas is about to start a dice game here. I love it. It's going to be good when they get that manning boy, but there's no way. Okay. They're beating back.

All right, relax. What is this ESPN? What the fuck's going on right now? Hey, man, you know, like, I'm from the South, bro. You know, it's football, then religion, then family. You know what I'm saying? My goodness. My goodness.

This is like watching Stephen A. Smith on widescreen TV right now. It's incredible. Look, UT is going to be good when manning grows up. He's a solid freshman right now. He'll be on the bench. Tony, the only reason you would play football is for the ass pads after the game. Oh, come on. Hey, good game, y'all.

Good game. Nigga, we at halftime. What the fuck are you doing? Oh, you son of a bitch. How dare you say that? You go to football practice the first day you asked for is a jockstrap. Can I try it on? I don't need any shoulder pads.

It's a jockstrap. Jesus. So stupid. These hurt. These really hurt. No, I was upstairs taking shots, bro. That's why I remember this. You're amazing.

We love you. David Lucas, everybody. Another brand new minute. He's out here smashing. He's all grown up. David Lucas. Oh shit. Brian Simpson leaving with David.

There they go. They're probably going to go do something cool. I literally can't read that name. I highly recommend printing slowly while signing up for the show. Thanks so much for Charlie Trace, everybody. Great handwriting. Perfect handwriting. Charlie Trace.

Hell yeah. How about a hand for the band? Am I right, people? Unbelievable. Here he comes, everyone. A nice slope pace. This is Charlie Trace, everybody. So, I have a question for everybody here.

I'm out of breath. Has anybody here been living at home with their parents and had their mother walk in on them while they were practicing oral sex on a flashlight pocket pussy? A few people. A few people. Has anybody here ever went to run across the street but got distracted by an ambulance

and ended up running into the side of a moving bus? So, I'm not the only one. All right. Has anybody here ever Google searched fetus nipple clamps and found them? Google has them. Thank you. Wow.

Wow. Wow. I mean unbelievably bad. Yet somehow, somehow, the third best set of the night so far. Incredible. You have to love this show. I mean, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. That would be like, oh my God.

Thank you for taking a break from hosting ridiculousness to be here tonight. I feel like you have kind of the energy of a guy that would kill his wife and kids and then energetically participate in the search party. Yeah. Has anybody here seen my wife and kids? Hell, yes.

Let's talk about it. You do have a vibe to you. You look like you both like dudes. You have a vibe to you. You have a vibe to you. You have a vibe to you. You have a vibe to you. You have a vibe to you.

You have a vibe to you. You look like you both like to skateboard and go to prison sometimes. So let's talk about it and see how close I am to correct here, Charlie. What's going on with your life? What have you been doing this whole time? Have you been to jail?

Um... Yeah. Can you listen to one of those dudes that pop locks for Jesus? You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. I've been arrested a few times, but not incarcerated for a time. Okay.

What have you been arrested for? He didn't know it was a school. Yeah. All dumb shit. Larsonese and fighting and... There was a burglary one time. Okay. And you took part in the burglary?

Yeah, I was there. Wow. Was it like a house burglary? Was it were you looting something perhaps? It was a house. It was a house, um, a friend of mine. We thought we were going in there for certain things and it didn't work out like that.

They ended up stealing the girl's anal virginity. Okay. All right. Very good. Um, so... All right. What do you do for work? Let's talk about it.

What auto zone do you work at exactly? Um, so right now, um, nobody's paying me to do anything, Tony. Okay. All right. We're going to keep that going tonight. I got a question for you. This is out of curiosity for me.

You were going to do a set tonight, right? You're going to do one minute. Did you write it out on a piece of paper and look at it and then look into your closet and decide what you were going to wear? Was this all part of a plan? What we're seeing right now? Um, minus the writing it on the paper

is part of the plan. Who autographed that hoodie? The artist of the print. And that is the Jimna Anvil Night Heart, Owen Hart remix hoodie. Yes, yes. That's very interesting. Did you specially request that?

I ordered it purposely and then I, you know, I met the guy. Right. It makes as much sense as this set did. Right. So how do you normally make money? You're out there buying custom art pieces as hoodies. What's going on?

An inheritance? No. A lot of these dum-dums got money when grandma died from COVID. You know what I'm saying? They're like out. That would have been nice. That would have been nice.

Right, but that didn't happen. No, that didn't happen. How do you survive? How do you have money at all? So I've been working union construction in New York City since 2007. Okay. So I was doing that

and driving tractor trailer for the last year. All right. And what are you in Austin for? I moved here recently. Okay. What made you pick Austin? The weather, the food, the comedy. I love comedy.

Okay. I've never done comedy before. Okay. All right. Tony, let's just call it spade-a-spade. His face is too old for his outfit. It's true. That's exactly what's going on.

He looks like an undercover cop, doesn't he? No doubt. I've heard both of those several times. Yes. I want to let the record state this is a perfect good way for a grown man to dress. I believe so. We look great, dude.

He's dressed like a creative character in a Tony Hawk video game. Yeah. It is. It isn't. We look great. I love it. So, Charlie, tell us more about your life.

Other than working construction, what do you like to do for fun? What is a guy like Charlie that dresses like that do at nighttime? Well, at nighttime, I just always try to come out to comedy shows at night. But in the daytime... Yeah.

Go ahead. Everything outdoors. Hiking, fishing, mini golf. Get the fuck out of here. Nobody believes you. That's crazy. I said you're not. I suck at fishing.

You go out of hiking and fishing wearing a pink fucking hoodie? What the hell are you talking about? Pink is my favorite color, Tony. Oh, shit. All right. The way you said Tony at the end of that was super creepy.

I like it. Just saying. Okay. So, have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Never. This is your first time ever trying it. Wow. Okay.

That's cool. Thank you. Thank you. And you think this is something you're going to do more often? Well, there's a lot of people that clap, so I should at least try another time. Well, I mean...

I appreciate the clapping. I appreciate it. That is the wrong takeaway. Well, people were clapping because you stopped. Not because of what you said. I'll end up stopping again after the next time. You are a New York construction worker, aren't you?

I'm starting to see it now. I love my job. I loved it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time he bombs, he's going to add one piece of camouflage to the outfit. It was between this hat and a camouflage hat,

to be honest. So, Charlie, how long do you think you have until you run out of money? You're unemployed. You moved from New York to Austin. How much did you save? You can get some more money pretty easily. Yeah, yeah.

Red Band is... Yeah, he's going to rob somebody. NFTs, something. I don't know nothing about that. Thank you, Red Band, for answering the question for a guess. Let's go back to Charlie now, because it's a genuinely...

you seem sort of dumbfounded by this question. How much money do you have saved? How much... If we found your bank statement here... Well, in the bank, because... Yeah. See, this is why I ask.

Because you seem like... you seem like a very cash type of guy. You know what I mean? Very cash. Very cash, right? Very cash. Okay. So, like, you have a lot of cash.

Not on me. Right. Not on me. Tony, I think he just came down here to buy cigarettes for cheap and take them back to New York. Yeah. Yeah, they're stupid expensive in New York.

My friends move. I know. I see you trying to change the subject. So, let's talk about this cash. What are we talking about? You got 12 grand in your closet right now in the shoebox that the hoodie came in. How close am I to right?

Um, you're under... How about a storage unit of catalytic converters? There you go, yes. Very good. My father's a mechanic. They're expensive, too. They are expensive, too, aren't they? And you did say ambulance at one point during your set.

Let's not forget. I was wondering where this comes from. New York, it now makes sense. Did you really get caught performing oral sex on a flashlight or you're joking? That's a joke. Right. Have you ever owned a flashlight?

Flashlight? I have. You have. Right. Did you do it multiple times? I mean, through our owning it, I have. Yeah. Did you...

When people get nervous, they tend to run into Paul Deemer. He draws them in like a slow magnet. I love it. Okay, Charlie. Any other special skills or talents you have? You ever do anything else? Artistic?

Like, you have, like, any tricks you could do, anything? No tricks. I used to rhyme. I know a lot of people come up here and say that. You used to rhyme? What does that mean, like rap? A little bit. Nothing crazy, though.

Nothing crazy. I like how low you're setting the bar. Normally, people are like, well, Tony, I'm a professional rapper. I know. I don't... You won't find a clip of me rapping. Well, can we make one?

You want to rhyme a little bit for us? Yeah. I could try. I could try. Get ready for a lot of rhyming philosophies and hypocrisies. What do you want them to do? Something up top. With someone shut this fucking California bulldike up?

Shit, this table. Let's go. Let's go. All right. Here he is making his rhyming debut on Kill Tony. This is Charlie Tres. Oh, man. All right.

Yo. All right. I could hoop like Ellis, but I don't like to pass the ball. I like when girls get wet. David Hasselhoff. Hey, high off a bundle to hash. Can we not smoke?

I call it Vulcan gas. You can pass me a buffalo trace. That girl right there, she got coke on her face. No slow mo dough. They pay me digits. I drop bands with Jordans and Ricky. Oh, oh shit. I fucked that up.

Disturbing the peace. I'm the one serving the streets. Smoking the trees. All right. All right. All right. All right. I fucked it up.

Good enough. Look. Look. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. You're good, though. I prepared that and I fucked it up. That was much better than your comedy.

I reckon congratulations. You're a rapper, Charlie. No, I fucked it up. You're an amateur rapper now. He's definitely an undercover cop. Yeah, for sure. I swear I could do some rhymes, too. You guys don't want to buy my ecstasy.

Let me show you some of these rhymes. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest rappers in the world, Danny Brown is here, everybody. I think someone's about to check. Brown bless the mic.

Like, because I'm tight, but it's about the size of a bun. I can get, like, more tight. Flow like sci-fi. High depth. Right chest. Bust on a bitch. Yes. I've been exposed and employed by none other than a foothold

with a guard. The bank robin exploding. My target when I shoot my loud boys, I'm a high-tight. I'd fright off the same shit that rock stars died from. Smoke shot at what you mean, bitch. Like, white clap. You deserve a cannabis. Man, you're scraping sex shit for scraping addiction.

Shipping out a roll on the counter with my kids. Tripping off that shit in the head. Brown with the flip. Swear I miss so much ahead of me. Yeah. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Hi, my name's Daniel.

One of the greatest rappers in the world. Danny Brown, everybody. Fuck yeah. Charlie, bad news. You're no longer a rapper. You're not a comedian and you're not great. That must be like a dream for you, right? It was official.

That was nice. You just got fucking housed by Detroit Danny Brown. Hell yeah. I welcome that. He's Austin Danny Brown now, by the way. Danny lives here in Austin, Texas. How about one more hand for the great Danny Brown, everybody? And of course, he's got a new podcast.

The Danny Brown show on your mom's house network. So be sure to check that out. Charlie, it was the first time. It wasn't really that great, but I love your energy for some reason. So I'm going to give you one of these big kill Tony joke bugs. Thank you, Tony. So you could start writing with a little bit of momentum. Let's get back to this bucket.

Let's get back to this bucket. How about one more time for Charlie Trace, everybody? There he goes. All right. Make some noise for your next comedian. Riley Olana, everyone. Riley Olana. Riley.

Hell yeah. All right. How many of you guys like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you guys like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well, you guys must be having a blast tonight. Oh, no Riley. Okay. Wow.

Look at this. Some people dropping out. Some people are afraid to follow Charlie Trace here. Okay. Make some noise for Robert Drillica. Robert Drillica. Oh, wow. Here he is.

I sometimes traumatize people and I don't understand why it happens. I love you. In my youth, I was bitten by a snake. The snake drew blood. So I caught the snake. And on my way home, I passed two people. The first person to remove my belt wrapped it around my arm so I could live longer. The second person was traumatized.

When I got home, I put the snake in the bathtub. I filled it up with water and it gave birth to 15 live snake babies. I now knew how my dad fell. My mom barged into the room in a panic. What's going on? I said, mom, I just became a dad and I'm going to die. I can still hear my mom scream in my mind today. I love my mom.

Okay. Robert Drillica. Am I saying that right? Drillica. I love my mom too, buddy. I love my mom too. Tony, this might be the first episode of Kill Tony ever where the rapping was better than the comedy. Yeah, it's interesting.

No doubt about it. Robert Drillica, making your Kill Tony debut, I would remember if I've ever seen anything like you before. Somehow you look like both Cheech and Chong at the same time. You said that a couple weeks ago. You were in the audience. Yeah, absolutely, I know. I came up with that and then I did it again. And welcome to show business, Robert.

I think he looks like Cheech and Chong's son who's trying desperately to impress his dad. Very, very fun, Robert. You look like the kind of guy that used to be a doctor and then found marijuana or something like that. Looks like something happened at some point. A lot of things happened. Yeah, let's talk about it. What were you doing when you were a younger guy? Where are you from? I'm from Canada originally.

Oh, wow. But I've lived all over. Okay, you look like a Native American accountant. Has anyone ever told you that before? I've been here, I've heard that. Your taxes are high, high, high, high, high. Where's the back lights, you asshole? Fucking lighting guy's smoking weed in the back.

Stupid asses. This place is a dump. The true Chief Financial Officer. Yes. Good one. Chief Big Wallet. I love it. Welcome, welcome, Robert.

So let's talk about it. You were up in Canada, I'm guessing, very far north, right? No, just across from Detroit. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. All right. Very good. Windsor.

Yes. Okay. So you're from Windsor, Canada. How long have you been in America? Was that a spirit? I have no concept of time. Okay. Very good.

No concept of time, Robert. So what happened? You came over. What do you do for work, Robert? I'm a world champion handyman and an electrical contractor. Really? Yes. A world champion handyman.

Have you really won a competition? I'm self-declared. Okay. All right. Very, very good. He means a world championship handicapped man. Okay, this isn't funny, but my nigga, snakes lay eggs. They don't give live birth.

Where were you going with that joke? We here let you finish. Which joke are you talking about? The long one. He thinks he told multiple jokes. This guy's about to put a fucking spell on you, Brian Simpson. You better be careful. I see the way he's looking at you.

Oh my goodness. Hell yeah. So Robert, let's talk about it. What do you do for fun? I put a tiger on my head and I travel around the country. You what? I have a three-dimensional tiger. Okay.

That I put on my head. Okay, we're going to have a security guy come up and check you for weapons real quick. For the first time in this show's history. I follow Tiger Woods sometimes and I've been seen all over the world. I bet you follow a lot more people than that. Where were you when Jerry died? Red Band, everybody. Red Band.

For those of you wondering, wow, who was that that said that? And then that happened. That was Red Band, everybody. Oh my goodness. Okay, so let's talk about it more, Robert. What's your love life like? Do you have any kids out there? I'm improving.

I do have one. Really? Yeah, he's 26. Okay, so you did that. Yeah. And you communicate with him sometimes? Yeah, actually a lot since he moved out. Okay, he lives here too.

He lives in San Antonio. Okay, very cool. What does he do? I'm not sure what he's doing right at the moment. Oh, great. That's good. You're a good father. You're a good man.

Robert, what do you... He looks like the only media he consumes is the first 100 episodes of the Joe Rogan experience. Just on loop. The best ones. I do like Joe Rogan, but I consume lightly. You could what? I only consume lightly.

I don't like watching anything. Right, yeah, you don't have Wi-Fi. Yeah, it's a... What's your living situation exactly? Where is your TP located? I'm located in Bolden Creek. I live in a place I call the Last Resort. Of course.

Oh, okay. The reason I call it the Last Resort is I never felt I'd ever lived traditionally again. What does that mean exactly? Expand on that a little bit. That means I used to travel around in a motor home in 1971, motor home and just live in that for years. He's Hans Kim from the future.

Yeah. I sometimes get out of society and then I sometimes come back in. It seems like you're a very free spirit. Am I right? You smoke a lot of marijuana? No, but I like the smell of it. Oh, my goodness.

I don't smoke it. Look at you. Wow. That's how I feel about cocaine. Oh, my God, red band. Don't do jokes like that. You have to stop. Stop.

He's trying to overcompensate by doing the oldest joke in the book after his Jerry Garcia joke flatlined here. Jesus Christ, red band. All right. So, Robert, what else? I feel like there's something else, right? Hobbies or something like that?

Oh, there's a lot of things. Yeah. I was featured on America's Got Talent. What did you do there? I was the compliment man. A compliment man. So what did you do? I did compliments.

Right? So, like, to the people that performed there? Basically, I was performing in Austin on the streets doing a lot of street performance. I never had to trial for America's Got Talent. They contacted me. I didn't even know who they were. Right.

But they said, hey, do you want to be on TV? How did they contact you exactly? Smoke signal. By telephone. By telephone. Okay. All right. So then you got on America's Got Talent

and you went on stage and you did what exactly? I... Without just saying that you gave compliments. Right. What exactly did you do? I basically did some complimentary jokes and they actually... Holy shit.

This is you right here. Yes. Oh, my God. You're like a totally different guy. That was my first beard ever. Yeah. I've never had a beard before. You're like the worst Targaryen.

Yeah. You know what? Despite what's coming out of your mouth. Despite what's coming out of your mouth. Oh, my God. He's about to call you the N word right now. This is going to be so weird. You have so much soul you don't even need shoes.

So much soul you don't even need your shoes. What the fuck are you talking about? It's his compliment. He's trying to disarm me with compliments. I don't know. This is not going to work, buddy. I'm not trying to make it work, buddy. Oh.

He really is. He really, really is about to call you the N word. We are moments away. I want it to happen. Robert, don't do it. Don't do it, Robert. I'm just kidding. Wow.

I find you to be such an interesting man. How long have you been doing stand-up? I started when I was in business to deal with bill collectors. So I would create characters to deal with the bills, collectors. That's how you know you dealing with a crazy motherfucker. When you ask a motherfucker a question where the answer is a number, but they tell you a story, I have no concept of time.

It's been a long time. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, back when I was a knight in the royal family, I was like, nigga, how long ago? I would guess 20 years. And you've performed many different places. Actually, my first couple of years, I actually had paid gigs. People pulled me out of the open mics and I was paid.

Okay. Maybe I was paid for a commercial corporate gig. No. Oh, wow. I don't think I've ever seen worse chemistry between a bucket pool and a jet. I actually like the guy. Oh, he called you the guy. He's alright.

He's alright. Alright. Thank you, sir. Okay. This is weird. I feel like I just met my white girlfriend's father for the first time. And he's trying to be nice. You know what I mean?

Very interesting. Well, Robert, sign up again sometime. Come back. I want to know more. I want to see more about you. There he goes. Robert Trelica, everybody. Yeah.

How? We have a new third best. Yes, that is true. Robert has slid to the third best comedian of the night position. We haven't had a female up tonight. Should we pull to get a girl up here? Alright. Sorry to John.

Sorry to Jared. Sorry to Fletcher. Sorry to Matt. Sorry to Nat. Okay. Here's one. Make some noise for Kristi Nova, everybody. Kristi Nova.

Kristi Nova. My love life's nonexistent. I'm so desperate even my friend's three-year-old notices. She keeps running around calling me taxi. Because even she knows that I'm kind of easy to hail, but easy to get inside. I want to go around and start giving random guys massages so my new nickname can be Play-Doh.

Because I'm fun to play with and easy to mold. You just have to keep me wet from time to time so I don't dry out. I don't know what guys want anymore. I already have two different colors of hair. This side, I'm a girl with purple hair. This side, I'm a girl with teal hair. Straight forward, it's like we're having a threesome.

Especially if I haven't taken my medication that day. I hate that with this hair, people just consider me one of two Ls, liberal or lesbian. How am I supposed to tell them that I like a nice cock and a cocked gun? Let me put that. Wow, Kristi Nova.

Coming in with jokes. Very, very fun. Kristi, have you been on this show before? I've been on it a couple of times, but it's been like six months. Six months, right. So welcome back. Kristi is a camera operator here on this show, right?

What would we call amongst... Yes, I guess that would be the title for it, right? That works, yeah. Kristi, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about three years on and off. Okay, three years on and off. And what do you do when you're off? I've been Twitch streaming.

Right now, I've been doing a lot of production work and just working with the great Yoni. I love it. Indeed, absolutely. I know. You look like you're here to protest the show, and it turns out that you actually work for it. Yeah, I like to keep people guessing.

Indeed, absolutely. Can I give her just a little bit of advice? Okay. Because I fuck with Kristi. I'm not gonna shit on her when I'm making my drinks, but... But lose the fucking... the new white girl delivery that all the white girls have.

It's the, like, you're making a statement, but you're saying it like a question, and it makes it sound like you're asking permission to say what you're trying to say. Just say the shit. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

So, a lot of guys don't fucking like my pussy. Just say it. Dudes don't like my pussy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's really good advice. Thank you. Indeed.

I appreciate that. Indeed. Kristi, tell us more about your life so that we can find out more about you. Okay. I moved to Austin a little over a year ago, and I loved it. It's completely changed my life.

Where'd you move from? Dallas, Texas. Okay. Hell yeah. Dallas doesn't let people walk around with hair like that. Nope. Uh-huh. They also don't let you smoke weed anywhere.

They're very strict. Okay. So you smoke weed as well. I smoke a lot of weed every day. It's crazy. I can't believe you smoke weed and the last guy didn't. I just like the smell, Tony. I've been performing for decades.

Next, we're going to find out she's the one with 10 piss jars outside of her room. How did you know? Kristi, what's your love life really like in real life? I'm sure there's a lot of guys that are interested in fucking Aria Stark if she had Down syndrome. Oh, shut up. She works for me, you faggot.

We're going to have to bleep that, bleep that faggot. Oh, bleep that one too. All right. Yeah, no. I get hit on by a lot of guys with no jobs or no places to live, which is good for them. Right. A lot of unemployed.

I've done that before and I'm looking for something different. Right, right. So you aren't hooking up with any unemployed guys from now on. So basically nobody that got pulled out of the bucket tonight has a chance with Kristi. Very true. I don't know. There's one guy that has like at least $20,000 cash

in his assuredly very small apartment somewhere. It's probably not hard to find. Perhaps you could hire a world champion handyman to help you find it and I bet you could split the money. Okay. But also there's another guy that lives at the last resort so if you're desperate. So Kristi, what else about your life?

Tell us some interesting fun fact about you. Well, let's see. I tried to get a motorcycle license and it failed within two hours of the first class. Wow. Yeah, I almost ran into a light pole. Okay. Wow.

On a motorcycle. On a motorcycle. It was really hard to steer and I just didn't have the arm strength at the time. Oh my goodness. Wow. I didn't realize that they had that accessory for cabbage patch kits that they had a little motorcycle that you could put them on.

It's a hot wheel. Yeah. Not if you're on it. What's wrong with you people? Oh, come on. Look, the ugly ladies aren't enjoying my jokes right here. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

It's annoying ass fucking. If you were on it, it definitely wouldn't be going straight. Oh. Yes. Yes. That's what I'm talking about. You're going to have to put that in when you make the highlight reel of this episode.

I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the great Kristi Nova everybody. That was great. You guys think we should do one more out of the bucket? Really? No? One more?

All right. Let's see what happens here. The curse. Make some noise for Kiko everybody. Wow, look at that from right there. Incredible. Just crawled out of the stage. This guy started the night as a horse fly.

He's grown into this. We've seen him before. Make some noise one more time for Kiko everybody. Thank you for having me. I signed a release form to give permission to be on this thing. First time that Tony ever got consent for anything. Thank you for coming tonight. This country is a bad Scooby-Doo episode.

Everybody's riding their green scooters over everybody's ancestors not giving a fuck. I went to do that shit. I went to go get a green scooter here at Austin. I fucking took out my wallet to pay. But then I looked on my license and I couldn't do it because it turns out from my license that I'm a grown fucking man

and I shouldn't scoot around the city like a fucking asshole. Because I have a car. I like this shit. We're crazy. Humans all suck. Some of us are still Christians. What the fuck are we doing out here in life? If you still believe in Jesus, now fine.

But I think that's like following still George Carlin on TikTok like neither of them want you to do that. Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Okay, Kiko. Kiko. Local legend, Kiko. You're not fooling me.

I know you just went up twice in a row. You just took off the purple and blue wig that you had on before. Yeah! Is it moving straight now, Christy? Okay, I think I'm joking. Welcome back to the show. Kiko is a local legend here

around the Austin comedy scene. You have multiple of your own shows and things like that. You're also one of the only comedians that stays nine months pregnant at all times. Yeah. That's incredible. Remember my third trimester title? That is the firmest pot belly I've ever seen.

That thing is absolutely incredible. It's like it has two halves. Yeah. You have a... It's because I have a vagina in my abdomen. Is that true? Yeah. I've shown it to the audience before.

It's disgusting. You want to see? Yeah, yeah. We do want to see. You all want to see my pussy? Oh. Oh, shit. It's an apparition of the Virgin Mary's vagina.

Dude, did an alien come out of there? Oh, my God. It's got a clitoris, but Red Band can't ever find it. I can't... Doesn't it look like a still shot from Total Recall? Oh. The fucking villain comes out of his stomach?

What the fuck happened, dude? Hey! Look, everybody, I'm Colombian. Don't ask no more fucking questions about the stars. Oh, my God. You were mulling heroin through your stomach? Yeah, yeah. They put it in like through the front.

That's crazy. Wow. A couple pounds of it. What's the actual answer? What did they have to do? I had a botched fucking gallbladder removal that fucked me up. Oh, man. I thought it was a childhood.

Yeah. You got the operation in your mother country? No. Over here at the Poor People Hospital, Bracken Ridge, motherfucking... They don't give a fuck. Oh. He asked for a gender reassignment surgery, but the doctor was mad drunk.

Yeah. They put the pussy in the wrong place. Wow. It is incredible. That is... I think you should tell people you had a C-section. You can't see that one. Gecko, so let's talk about it.

How long you been doing stand-up comedy? My first week I did this show, it was a year and a half ago. Wow. I didn't realize that you started then. That's incredible. I've seen you do... And Ron White was the guest with Russell Peters that time. Okay.

All right. Very good. So you started a year and a half ago. Yes, sir. And how do you make money? I make music for a living. You make music? And that's how I make my money.

Really? Yeah. Can you give us an example of what type of music? You play that? I do anything, man. We could do something tonight. I don't have to play guitar, man. It's cool.

We could just sing. I could play guitar. Or just hang out at home, Debo, and wait for a band to come ask you to join. Hey, Mr. I do it for less. I want to see him do a sick guitar solo. You want to see him do a guitar solo? I want to see him. Yeah, we play guitar, sure.

All right. Here he is. It's going to be weird when the hand comes out of the stomach that starts playing it. Fucking Kiko's got tricks up his sleeve. I love it. The music comes straight from his belly. So it's incredible. You've heard a smash mouth?

This is smash stomach, everyone. You're yelling at me about... All right, so... I don't know what to say. All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. If I can't get you, I'm going to lose my life for trying. If I can't get you, I will lose my life for trying.

Well, I'm in love with you, woman, for you. Your ass ain't on my mind. Wow. Wow. Wow. Why are all of these musicians trying stand-up comedy? It is crazy. They're like, well, I like rocking and rolling,

but I really want to be completely uncomfortable with no instruments at all. Kiko, that was fucking awesome. How about a hand for Kiko, everybody? Thank you. Wow. I was just about to stop you, and then you started singing, and you have the fucking voice of an angel in the face of a devil. Yeah.

Last time you said I looked like Adele in her prime and shit, so... It's true. Adele in her prime. Oh, what? Yeah. I was funnier back then. Yeah, yeah. I don't have to try so hard.

It's because your voice is hilarious, so it worked. Oh, shit. I don't think... I don't even think that... Did I just bomb? I don't think that even qualifies as an insult at this point, Kiko. Very, very fun performance. It was so fun to squeeze one more person up here.

Thank you, Kiko. Another appearance here on Kill Tony. Follow him at Kiko Comedy. K-I-K-O Comedy with a K. And he's sitting right there. It's an easy walk. There he goes. Perfect.

Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night is the longest standing regular in the history of the show. He's written and performed more new minutes than anybody ever. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, William Montgomery. Here he is. The real deal. Your final comedian of the night, William Montgomery, everybody.

A Russian judge sentenced women's basketball player, Brittany Griner, to nine years in prison. Easy. She had to go all the way to Russia to get it from the man. It's just a long ways away. That's what I felt. That one was funny. Okay, let's go up.

Biden's forgiving everybody's student loans. If I'd known he was going to do that, I wouldn't have robbed all those people in the Kmart parking lot to put myself through medical school. 12 fucking longest years of my life. The other day I hooked up my dick to fiber optic internet. I came in seconds. Gustavo Arnal, the CFO of Bed Bath and Beyond, jumped to his death this past weekend in Manhattan, allegedly due to fraud.

But I think we all know it's because Apex Twin hasn't released a full-length LP since 2014. Gustavo fucking loved Apex Twin. He hasn't released an LP since 2014. Come on. Thanks for my dad. My dad's here tonight. What the fuck?

Okay, that's my time. Thank you. William Montgomery here with a brand new minute and 30 seconds. Very, very fun coming in. The hair, everything growing back from when your parents were here and they made you cut it all down. You're starting to get some of your insanity back. I love it.

It is starting to grow finally. I actually just set up an Etsy shop. Everybody, I'm selling merch on my Etsy shop. This is pretty much what all the shirts look like, what I'm wearing right now. It doesn't have my name on it at all. It's just all Apex Twin stuff. So if y'all can please visit my Etsy shop. I have 2,000 of these Apex Twin shirts.

I'm starting to think it was a fucking mistake not having my name on it or anything at all. It's literally all 2,000. I'll just say Apex Twin. So if y'all can please go to my Etsy shop. I'd really appreciate it. I spent $10,000 on 2,000 Apex Twin shirts. I'm starting to think it was a horrible idea. It doesn't have my name on it anywhere.

Okie dokie. Fuck yeah. William, we found out during your set that you went to medical school. I did. Yeah? What'd you study there? 12 years. I studied fingers, toes.

Okay. That sounds about right. Head and shoulders. That's a pretty big... Knees and toes, pretty much. Yeah, I was like head and shoulders, knees and toes. Yeah, I was 12 years. That's why it took so long.

Wow. And what do you do with that education? I got into shampoo. It's so weird. I started working for L'Oreal. Wow. Okay, deep look to the back of the room. Yeah.

It was crazy Tony. Brian Simpson. I haven't seen William perform since he got sober and like lost all his weight. Yeah. And I thought he was just a fat drunk. But he's just insane. He says this is not drugs now. He's just crazy.

The fuck do you mean by that? I thought we had a good fucking interaction up in the green room before this. Why would you do that to me? It's a compliment. Okay. I'm saying you're funny even though you're not drunk. On drugs. Man, I've been missing the fucking cocaine recently.

Anybody on it tonight? Okay, can you meet me in the bathroom after this? I really need to do some tonight. I'm not doing good. Have you really been having urges to do cocaine? What sets it off? What do you think this is coming from? Well, every single time I'm in the 7-Eleven and I just look at the butt ices and I'm

just like, oh my God, I miss drinking 15 of these fucking things. Right. Doing a fucking grant. It was, yeah, I miss it. What do you do in place of that when you have those urges? What do you end up doing? Do you remember Play-Doh? Yeah.

I've been doing a bunch of Play-Doh stuff recently. I'm thinking maybe they could be a new sponsor. I don't know. I have to play my cards right. I've lost all my fucking sponsors. I thought he meant like Socrates' pupil. Like he was reading. No.

Yeah. No Socrates in this man's life at all. Was he a painter? Wasn't he a painter? Okay. Why'd you do the fucking drum, dude? That was so loud next to my fucking ears, man. I'm not kidding.

That was so incredible. Stop fucking doing that. Seriously. Stop doing that, man. And what fucking, why does this microphone smell like shit tonight? I don't know. I swear to God, it was the first fucking thing I noticed when I picked this fucking thing up.

It smells literally like shit. Well, there's a lot of people that went up before you that could, I mean it could literally be anybody. Very, very fun. William, what else is going on? Stop yelling at William, people. He's very easily distracted, perhaps. Yeah, I mean who the fuck is acting like the hero up there right now?

Who the fuck? I'm just excited to go to West Palm Beach with you this weekend, Tony. Yeah, that's going to be fun. I am wondering, please take me to the ocean. We went to Miami, you didn't take me to the ocean. Yeah. All right. Will you take me?

No. What am I going to do? What am I going to rub fucking sunscreen on you? No. I'm going to need somebody to put it on my back. We really can't go to the ocean, Tony. I don't go to the ocean with gingers or black people. That's my deal.

Neither do I. Oh shit, I don't know what that is. I'm kidding, Brian. Brian, do you go to the, you go, you a fan of the ocean? You a fan of the waters? I don't go places with white people. Right? No.

I'm not a fan of the ocean. Indeed. No, it's dangerous. It's pretty dangerous. Yeah, I can swim at home. Yeah, I swim in my bathtub. All right, me too. Do you?

Why are you looking at me like that, like sexually? I swim in my bathtub. I don't believe you swim in your bathtub. You really swim in your bathtub. I mean, if I go underwater. Yeah, me too. That's swimming. Okay.

You know, it's something. Okay. That's cool. Okay. How far underwater do you guys go? All the way? Like curl up your legs a little bit? Cause you'd have to like bend your knees.

You'd have to like really, it would be some of your legs would be out of the water. I go a couple feet down. I have one of those things. I got one pre-installed. The things that old people have, the kind with the door. My bathtub has a door and I get like two feet down under there. That's not even a thing that exists. It exists.

They retrofit. Yeah, it exists. A bathtub under your existing bathtub. So you can get into the bathtub. There's a door. Oh, okay. I also just sold William a shower and rebranded it as something space agent. It was some nice man.

He came to my apartment. I swear to God, I was so close to fucking poisoning this guy. Did he have a, did he happen to have a tie wrapped around his head? The guy that put in this bath for you? He did. He did? Yeah. He had a tie.

How'd you know that? Wow. This is very interesting. We had a guy up. Have you, you didn't watch tonight's show at all? No, I've been getting high with fucking Danny Brown up there. And it's, I'm horribly on edge right now. I fucking come up here.

I'm high as shit. Fucking microphone smells like shit. Well, that's cause there's a guy. First fucking joke doesn't work. My fucking nerves are amplified. It's a nightmare tonight. Some fucking dumb ass up there keeps fucking screaming. I'm trying to talk about my fucking bathtub with the door.

By the way, don't get one. Don't get one. It leaks. I don't know who decided to put a fucking door on a bathtub, but it was a horrible design flaw. It literally leaks all over the place. You seem very angry tonight, William. Is there any chance you might want to give some winks away to the audience?

It's a famous, oh, there's one. Whoa, whoa. Oh my goodness, red band, not even looking. You got to love it. I'm winking at you, bitch. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. That is crazy.

Okay, red band. There you go. Fucking idiot. God. Fucking idiot. That's all I was thinking. I could fucking smell you tonight when I fucking walked behind you. Wow, William, taking shots at red band for no reason.

Red band, one of the least smelly, morbidly obese people that I know. Somehow always doesn't smell. I'm always waiting for it to happen, but. Thank you. Yeah, you never smell. Nope. I shower. Yeah.

Very good. Turns out they make extra large showers as well. I have one of these open door ones that William recommended to me. It was a nightmare. You're sweet. You got that. I didn't think you were actually going to get it. I didn't think Janice wanted you smelling good at y'all's place.

Janice is his girlfriend. She loves it when he stinks. Yeah, she's like an Asian. She loves dead fish smells. Okie dokie. Yeah. Yikes. Zoinks.

All right. William, very, very interesting. You covered the death of the CFO of Bed Bath and Beyond. That's true, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He literally, yeah, he jumped from the 18th floor. Uh-huh. Man.

In his honor. And what exactly was the joke again? The reason he jumped wasn't due to financial fraud. It's because he's a big Apex Twin fan. So let's cover this one more time. Because you bring up Apex Twin all the time. We have our 10-year anniversary show quickly approaching June 10th, 2023 is the date that it's set at.

Does Apex Twin still play? Yeah, he does. We're actually in communication. I think he might come to the 10-year anniversary show. Yeah, I've been in communication with Apex Twin. It's weird. That's his actual name. Apex Twin.

Yeah, I think he's coming to the 10-year anniversary. No, I'll be very honest with y'all. I don't even know who the Apex Twin is. It's just a thing that I started doing, and it's an easy way to get a laugh. I don't even fucking know who the guy is. Whoa. Wow, you're furious tonight, William.

Very, very interesting. Is anything happening in your personal life before we go? Yeah, I haven't fucking peed in three days. How would you feel? Oh my goodness. When I'm drinking tons of soda, I literally haven't fucking peed. Shit hasn't come out of my penis for three fucking days.

You should be at the hospital by nigga, while you're doing a spot. I'm gonna say that a little slower. I couldn't fucking understand you! No, seriously, what'd you say? You should have gone to the hospital instead of doing a comedy spot. Well, I'm thinking about going later.

You want to take me? How long you have to go without pissing before it's an emergency? I don't know. I was online five days. I think it's five days. You want to take me after this? You should go, no. Take me after this.

I need a ride. Literally, please, take me after this. This is impossible. This is my life. And this was another episode of Kill Tony, everybody. That goes to William Montgomery. The great, the powerful. We did it again.

Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Ron White? Huh, come on. Make some noise. The Kill Tony debut of Ryan Long, everybody. And the great Brian Simpson, everyone. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Absolutely incredible.

Check that out at ryanjeebelt.com. He draws every episode of the show. Very, very fun. How about a hand for the band, everybody? That's the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. Kill Tony brought to you by D. Betty vodka, the red rose and the yellow rose. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

John Dees on the keys. Dave Cher on the bass. And Matt Mueling on guitar. The great Paul Deemer was on the horns earlier. A red band. Love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.

Good night, everyone. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.