KILL TONY - #578 - DAVE ATTELL + GREG FITZSIMMONS + IAN FIDANCE

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Ian Fidance, Nick Swardson, Dr. Drew Pinsky, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/26/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Kimpton Hotel Van Zandt - Save on Sunday and Monday nights when you stay at Hotel Van Zandt using this link. CLICK HERE!

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony is available at Desquad.tv. There you have the video portions of the show and special announcement, Secret Show, the show that I do every Thursday in Austin, is coming back to LA, the comedy store. And I'm bringing a bunch of Austin's best comedians, comedians from Kill Tony, and I'm mixing them in with LA's best comics for one show, one night only, Tuesday, October 18th. Go to Desquad.tv and get your tickets. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. You can get prints and t-shirts and everything at ryanjebelt.com.

And Tony Hinchcliffe is on tour right now. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to get your tickets and everything gold and pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. You guys ready for the best goddamn comedy show to ever happen on Planet Earth? Yeah, make some noise for Brian Red Band. Hey, everybody. He invented podcasting. We're going to do one here tonight. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. The two best strip clubs on Planet Earth are here in Austin, Texas. Also, Deep Eddie Vodka, another amazing Austin brand for those of you drinking Vodka out there. Order Deep Eddie, because they're the best in the world. How about a hand for the band, everybody?

Come on. You heard it. You know what the fuck's going on. This is the live music capital of the world. And that's the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. That's Paul Deemer on the horn right there. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And that's that right there. That's our friend D Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. It's happening. This is it. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. You might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional standup comedian.

And I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. October 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. October 14th and 15th, I am in Boston, Massachusetts. November 4th and 5th, New York, New York. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now. Get tickets while you still can. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Every single week, I have a couple of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week, we have three for you. Three of the best guests in the

show's history are all here at once. Make some noise for David Tell, Greg Fitzsimmons and Ian Bidens. Ian Bidens, Greg Fitzsimmons, and one of the greatest of all time, David Tell. Yeah. Come on in here, Dave. We're doing the damn thing tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The Rookie of the Year panelist, Ian Bidens is here and two of the greatest guests in the history of the show, Greg Fitzsimmons and David Tell are both here. Thank you, Tony. Dave has a question. Yes. Talk about a bucket list. I mean, am I right, guys, or why? How many people saw me almost get penetrated by the trombone as I sat down? Could not be happier that you guys are here. DavidTell.com for tour dates. Greg Fitzsimmons

is going to New Orleans, Chicago, San Francisco and Fort Worth. Catch all those dates at Fitzdog.com and of course, Fitzdog radio and Ian Bidens has been in and by guys, both very, very fun podcasts. I'm excited. You guys have all been on the show before. You know how it works. We watch stand-up comedians do 60 seconds uninterrupted and then we find out about their lives when we talk to them during an interview portion, which is completely improvised. We literally have no idea anybody could have signed up. Maybe it's a weary traveler. Maybe it's a local legend. Anything can happen. We're going to get through it together. You know, the uninterrupted 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they

bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys get it? You ready to start this fucking show? Chaos will ensue tonight. I promise. A lot of special treats and we're going to start with one of them right now. We have three regulars on the show. This guy going first is one of them. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. We watched him living in his van a year ago. Now he opens up in arenas all around the world, jetting around. He's rich now. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. What's up? It's good to be here in Texas. It's kind of scary taking the public transportation here because if you're not paying attention, you might end up in a plane to Martha's Vineyard. Martha's Vineyard, not a real vineyard. I don't know why we sent all

the Mexicans over there. The only fruit to pick there are the queers. I'm dating someone. I'm dating a white woman, which is weird because I'm an Asian man. It's the reverse Yoko Ono. I'm trying to get her to start a band. Thank you. We recently had period sex, which is funny because she's a white girl. She looked like a Japanese flag with nipples on it. Thank you. Wow. Hans Kim coming out, guns a-blazing, making it look easy. Talking about your real life, talking about what's going on. Very fun stuff, Hans. Thank you, Tony. What was the joke at the end? It looks like a what type of Japanese what?

Japanese flag with nipples. Oh, got it. Yep. Now I picture it. Yep. I know what that is. Indeed. That was Greg Fitzsimmons, not me, everybody, making the racist Asian sound. I love it, Hans. You're absolutely killing it. Things are going good with this new girlfriend of yours? Yeah, she's great. We have a lot of phone sex together. Right. And she lives in San Antonio, so you could just drive an hour. You guys can almost have tin can on a string sex with one another. It's interesting that you're sticking with the phone. Easier than making the hour-long drive? Yeah, I guess so. That's very dangerous. You know, I have Hans to drive though, right?

Okay. That is dangerous. I love it. Dave, this is your first time seeing Hans, right? First of all, I don't think you can put a price on that banter. You know what I'm saying? I mean... It comes from week in and week out, just honing it, honing it. Now, it was my first time seeing you and I'm sorry I was in and out. I was too busy protecting my data. But I thought he had some solid stuff. I was very impressed. Thank you, Dave. Thank you, Dave. Protecting your data is important, express VPN promo code Kill Tony. 20% off your first month. Greg, have you seen Hans Kim before?

I haven't seen him tonight because I'm sitting between these two chain-smoking fucking lunatics. I haven't seen anything. I feel like I'm in a dream sequence right now. But it sounded good. It sounded good. Thank you, Greg. It's good to see you, man. It's been a while. Good to see you. Yeah. Greg was here when I had sex with a woman in a broom closet. Oh. Okay. He did a set and then some woman and she was not attractive per se, but she did have sex with him in a closet. Yeah. Leave her in the closet. That's true. Yeah. She had a boyfriend. The boyfriend wanted to watch, but I was not for that. Any infidents you've seen Hans before? I have. Yes. We just did his dating show yesterday.

Yeah. Hans brings singles up on stage and tries to get him to fucking front of him. There you go. Hell yeah. That's one way to avoid a me too, is just make a show about it. I love it. Hans, you are a legend here. You write and perform a brand new minute. You make it look so easy. Week in, week out, you get the things started. We love you here. How about one more time for Hans Kim, everybody? There he goes. Let's get this fucking thing going. We're going to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This is where anything can happen and we all meet a human being together at once. Pretty crazy shit. Only show to do it. Tonight we will start with an uninterrupted 60 seconds by Isabella Carrotta. Isabella Carrotta. Here she is, everybody. One more time for Isabella.

How's it going? I think we need to legalize weed in Texas, right? It's hard of having to deal with drug dealers. It's very annoying. They always make you go to them, ends up being more expensive. You have to leave, go to the store, buy plan B. I have a conspiracy theory that plan B is the one behind all these abortion laws, right? Because when they passed that law, right? Because when they passed the law here in Texas, my roommates and I treated plan B the way white people treated toilet paper during the pandemic to all the stores and stocked up. I know we weren't the only ones because by the time we got to Walmart, there were a lot of plan B. They only had guns left. Labeled plan C. I got cheated on by a guy that I pegged. What's in your suicide note?

That's why you have to date older men. Older men treat you so much better than their wives. Do you notice that whenever an old man has a super young girlfriend, it's like a symbol of status, which makes sense because we live... There you go. That's a minute 18 seconds. That bear is aggressive. Tried to squeeze it in there, but that's what happens. Isabella, welcome. You've been on the show before and what did we find out about you last time you were here? I don't know. I work here. I just moved here like a year ago. It's been like a year since I've been on the show. Okay. And where were you a year ago? Where do you live before this?

Charleston, South Carolina. Okay. All right. Very, very good. And how stand-up comedy going for you? I like it. Yeah. I work at East Austin Comedy Club now, so that's cool. You get to get up a lot. You really nailed that sound effect because I've never heard of that comedy club and I live in Austin and I go to the East Side quite a bit. So that's pretty incredible. Is it just you over there just waiting for... It's free wine. It's like a hole in the wall, but it's stage time. Okay. All right. If it's a hole in the wall, I bet I know what you're doing on the other end of that hole. Isabella Carotta spent 50 seconds talking about Plan B. Wow. So what are we talking about here? How many times have you had Plan B? I mean, I don't know. I feel like you just take it

just in case, especially like, have you seen like the men here in Austin? You gotta be careful. Hey, I just got here. All right. So, but give us a ballpark. Like, what are we talking about? Is that like once a year you do that? Like... Oh, maybe once every four months? Whoa. Once every four months. Just jumping up the cycle and everything. It's fucking messing things up because it messes with your body a little bit, right? I mean, maybe. I don't know. I think... I don't know. You don't even know. You can't even tell. You live such a garbage life. You can't even tell whether or not it's... Is this a critiquer of the audition for the Handmaid's Tale?

All right. She likes the party. Deal with it. I think you found your older man today. This is it. You're going to Plan D tonight. You know what I'm saying? I love it. So Isabella, how do you make money working at this comedy club that nobody's ever heard of? I like barely do. I dance at the Red Rose. Oh, okay. The truth comes out. Wow. Wow. How long have you been doing that for? Like six months. I've been there. Okay. Very good. What's your stage name? I'm sorry. Isabella. I don't... Wow. You kept it the same. No double life there, huh? No.

You give out your real phone number and shit, too. That's incredible. That is absolutely amazing. Coming to the stage, Plan B, everybody. Here I go. Come on. Pop those pills. Here she goes. Wow. Very interesting. Do you have any, like, special moves or things? Because you seem like you'd have to be charismatic because you're, like, a certain height. You're a little bit... You're like a type. I mean, I don't know. I'm funny. Like, they love that. Here she comes. World's funniest stripper, everybody. Kiss your boner. Goodbye. Here she comes with some jokes, everyone. Nothing better than a funny stripper. Here we go. Whoa. That's so funny. Do you open mic lap dances?

This is a real hole in the wall, isn't it? Wow. Do you try to be funny sometimes? I mean, I kind of just, like, I don't really know how to, like, flirt. I'm not a very flirtatious person, so... There's this guy. She's doing jokes guys are just taking ones back out of her underwear. Leave the mask on. Incredible. Anything crazy ever happened at the strip club? We know that the... Anything crazy ever happened. I don't know. The places run unbelievably well. It really is. It is our longest sponsor here in Austin, Texas. So I got to tell you, it's clean. The hamburgers

are unbelievable. I mean, it's just everything about it is amazing. The most beautiful women, Austin. Sometimes. And Isabella works there too. I'm kidding. I'm sorry. I'm kidding. She's got a good sense of humor. Look at her. She's like a fucking little Italian cabbage patch doll or something like that. Dude. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of like an insane time of my life to go from stand-up comedy to the strip club. But yeah, I mean, it's cool. They're like, the customers can get kind of wild. I do some. I've like, if a customer gets too handsy, I'll fart on them. Oh, shit. I'm gonna get fired. They're up there. They're gonna fire me. Where are they? Oh, my goodness. She works at the red rose, the yellow rose, and the brown rose. Very good.

Taking risks. Wow. Blame it on the hamburger. Oh, my goodness. Well, what's the longest set you've ever done? 15. I'd love to have you open up the secret show. Red band. Wow. I wonder why he asked. It was the farting, wasn't it? Any other smallest dreams coming true here tonight? I'm just gonna say this right now. Your stuff was good. You were fucking awesome up here in a town of singer-songwriters for someone to fucking come up here after we were working the ship tonight. Maybe. I don't know. You don't know, right? Yeah. Okay. Either way, we've all done things to get by in comedy. So, honestly, don't let them fucking put you down for it. Honestly. You're goddamn right. Isabella Carrotta just got

booked on the Thursday Secret Show. She just got a real comedy gig out of her performance here on Kill Tony. Amazing. Back to the bucket we go. Greg? It was like if Janine Garofalo was doing Game of Thrones. Your next comedian goes by the name of Cody Green, everyone. One minute uninterrupted, going to Cody Green. Cody. Here he comes. One more time for Cody Green, everyone. All right. All right. So, when I was 16, my dad, he got a DUI and he lost his driver's license, which basically just means he lost all parental authority. Right? Like, how are you supposed to discipline your kid when you know you're going to be bumming

rides off him? He tried once. He was like, Cody, if you keep it up, you're going to be grounded. It's like, dad, if you keep it up, you're going to fucking bite the liquor store. I'll tell you guys, you haven't lived until you've gotten to watch a grown man angrily strap on a helmet. Every now and again, he just clip his double chin. He's like, fuck. Like, Cody, the fucking thing's too tight. Like, no, you got a nutsack growing out of your throat. That's it. All right. Cody Green coming in, laying it down. How long have you been on stand-up, Cody? About, like, three and a half years. Three and a half years. Are you from here in Austin? No, I'm from Boston originally. Oh, okay. All right. Wow. Oh, fuck said that.

Yeah, you'll show them, Cody. Yeah, I will. What part of Boston are you from? Specifically, like Wakefield. Wakefield. Wakefield, yes. Isn't that where Tanya Harding is from? I think I stoned him. Nope. All right, maybe it's Wakefield. I don't fucking know. I don't follow figure skating. I'm sorry. You don't? No. You look like a guy that would. No, no. This guy is definitely professional BMX. Am I right or no? No, I know, I know. Either way, I think your scooter is the one I tripped on outside. You've been doing this how long? Like three and a half years. Awesome, dude. That's fucking yeah. You spent the whole set shitting on your dad. Is it going to be awkward when you have to go

back to his place to sleep tonight? On a scooter? He's a forgiving guy. Have you considered stripping? I have not, no. You could. You could do that. All you got to do is fart and shake your ass and you're in. Cody, what do you do for a living? United States Postal Service. Awesome. Wow, the postman. Like you're a mailman? Yeah. Oh, that's great. You are, huh? Yes. Wow, my goodness. Let me see your calves. Pull up your pants. Let me see your calves. Whoa, he's wearing the postman tights underneath. Oh, shit. Why do you have a tights on your pants? It's athletic tights, it helps, all right? Now, the Postal Service has a bunch of weird quirks like that, right? What other things do you have on you? Insurance. He's the only guy in his room with health insurance.

Insurance? What else? What else do you have? Because we didn't even, we weren't even expecting those tights. You're a true postman. I got out of work earlier. Yeah. Wait, you're delivering mail here now? In Austin, yeah. I live in Austin now. I'm sorry, I haven't clarified yet. Okay. Yeah. All right, so you're an official Austin postman. What area are you, what area are you in? 787-587-2778. 787-5783. All right, all right, that's enough. Okay, stop, stop activating your autism. Yeah. Yeah, you just made Hans Kim hard as a rock just now. Absolutely incredible. Let me ask you this, you're out there delivering mail all around the city. Have you ever heard of the East Austin Comedy Club before? Not once, not once. You ever get bit by any dogs? Not yet,

not yet. But some have attacked? The Chihuahuas chase you, they do. Okay, all right, enough about the Mexican ladies in the city. So let me ask you this, do you ever have any ladies say like, hey, Mr. Postman want to come on inside? Yeah. Yeah, there you go, Red Band. Very good. That was great. Nailed it. Red Band. The only women that are interested in Postman are like way too old, though. They're very, they're like 60. All right. All right, okay, okay, okay, Red Band. There's four people on the panel. Have you ever paid for pot with stamps? I have not. I have not. What do you do for fun? What is a Postman that's been doing standup for three and a half years?

What are you into, like hobby wise or anything like that? So last time we did go into this, I'm a musician, and I play the drums, we had a drum off, we're not going to go into that again, we're not going to do that again, but you know, we did that last time. Okay. Yeah. D-Madness didn't see it. No, it's a different guy. All right, Cody. Anything else crazy we didn't find out about you last time that we should know about you before we let you go? Any fun facts about Cody Green that would set you apart? That was a teenage drug addict. Does that count? You don't say. Come on, his name's Cody. Yeah. What drugs were you on? It was like pain pills, like pork set. Wow. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. What was your lowest low? Like what was bottom for you? This.

I love this. No, my, one time I went door to door, I made up a collection can, and I went door to door collecting money from my high school marching band. Oh my God. Allegedly. And it was just for your own drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. I knew it. Holy shit. But it led to you one day becoming a postal delivery man. Yeah, that's incredible. Wow. Honey, I just gave some 22 year old high schooler some money for his marching band. He was weirdly wearing compression pants. Wow. I got caught though, because I stuck in my, I didn't think it was going to work, and I stuck in my neighborhood. And then like the whole next week, people kept going up to my

mom and they were like, Hey, I, because they can't do a nice thing and just shut the fuck up about it. Right. They kept telling her that they gave me money and she's like, he's not in the marching band. Oh shit. Classic Cody. You know, you should have given those pain pills to Tonya Harding. Well, Cody, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket once again. Did you get a joke book last time you were here? I did. You got a little one. I didn't get a little one. Can I get a little one? Yeah, you got a big one last time. Here you go. Catch this. This is an official Kiltoni joke book. There he goes. Cody Green, everybody. All right. Let's keep this fun train moving along here. All right. Back to the bucket we go. All right, everybody. Make some noise for

Gary Falcon, everyone. Gary Falcon. Here we go. Oh, here he comes over here. It's Gary Falcon. It's over here. Gary Falcon, everybody. Put your hands together for Gary Falcon. Hey, uh, what's going on? It's good to be here on the Real Housewives of Kiev. Anyway, I just got back from the doctor. What is AIDS? You know what kind of a man you are? How soon you pull your dick out when you walk up to a urinal. For me, it's a block away. Thank you for having me. Wow. Wow. Oh my goodness. This is our first time ever having Gary Falcon

on this show before you. You might be one of the best brand spanking new comedians we've ever seen but thank you so much, Tony, for having me. Tony, I love your jacket. You would get gay bash at a Coldplay concert. Watch out. You got me good there, Gary. My goodness, guys, have you ever seen anybody quite as it make a debut? Quite as strong as Gary Falcon? That was incredible. That was amazing. Wow. Gary. I've never seen a missing children posters that could talk. I've never seen Elf's grandfather.

Whoa. Tony. Tony, watch out. This teddy bear's got teeth. God bless. Now, I didn't know Cody had a brother. I didn't know Santa had AIDS. Holy shit. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary. Cody. Get him, Gary. God bless us all, everyone. Wow. I'm not going to take any more. No. What? No, you did an awesome job, Gary. Thank you, David. Are you in a rush to get back to the pick up basketball game nobody picked you for? Yes, that's true. The Irish Falcon from a fucking Down syndrome family. Nice. I grasp it's This Falcon's got talents. It's weird to run into the guy who hands out the prizes at Dave and Buster's, but

Yes, it's also impressive to meet Gandalf's sponsor. And also the guy next to him, House of Back Pain. The lead singer. That's great. God bless him. Good lord. This is really cutting it to your time picking up and recharging bird scooters, isn't it? It's a valid point. Is it hard walking around Austin when you're dressed like a victim or no? I mean, is it hard walking around as the ghost of Austin? Hey, listen, I'm pretty well known over at the shelter, all right? Is it hard sitting next to the Notre Dame vomiting Irish? Holy shit. That's racist. That's racist. Wow. All right, I'm gonna go get drunk. These are my friends. Thank you so much. Gary Falcon.

I'm just gonna let him do whatever he wants. No doubt about it. And you know what? We never do this anymore, but that was such an amazing performance from a brand new comedian. I think he deserves the Kill Tony Golden ticket, don't you? Yeah, I agree. Anytime he wants, he gets to perform on the show. That was incredible. Gary Falcon. Wow. A star is born. A star is born. Back to the bucket we go. Obviously anything gonna happen here tonight. Wow. The place is in chaos. The way him and Dave were going at it, I thought Gary was gonna pull out his slingshot. Make some noise for your next comedian. Casey Deans, everyone. Casey Deans is next. Here, live, Kill Tony, Austin, Texas.

Here comes Casey Deans, everyone. One more time for Casey, everybody. Oh, yes, yes. I am Casey Deans and there's been a lot of news about the Russians lately. They are fleeing their country as fast as they can. Every newscast is oh so sympathetic to these Russian Woosies. Big bad Mother Russia. Big bad Mother Russia. Come on, we like to agon. We want nuclear war. Let's agon. Come on, come on, come on. Big bad Mother Russia. Oh, so tough. So tough. Call to mobilize. Trains. As far as the eye can see. Couldn't get out fast enough. Woosies. Thank you very much. My name is Casey Deans. Wow, 43 seconds in and out with his trademark Woosies line.

The Kill Tony debut of Casey Deans. David, tell what do you think about this? The one thing I love is a political wizard. You know, he just doesn't live in the world of magic. He knows what's going on for the mortals. Don't turn me into anything. All right. Wow. I mean, you look great for Resputin's granddaughter. And I think that was just fantastic. Thanks, Fox News. That was great. That is absolutely incredible. This is your Kill Tony debut, correct? Greatest day of my life, Tony.

Absolutely. I know. It's been a long way since you were the bad guy in Superman 4. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Don't throw your rest at me. One year. One year. And where have you been doing it at? I did about 10 mics in Utah. Wise guys, shadow wise guys, great club. Moved to Austin in March. Nice.

Right. You moved to Austin in March. What made you move to Austin in March? He did the call. He did the call. What call are you talking about? Were you watching Info Wars or something? What the fuck are you talking about? He did what call? Is that right? It was a call and not an Amber Alert?

I don't want to go into too much detail and bore you to death, but I applied to UCLA grad school and I didn't get in. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me because I was going to go to LA in 2020 to be a stand-up comedian. Right. Kind of chilled out the pandemic and when I finally got the gumption to do it, this was the place to do it. This is the comedy center of the world. Hard to get into UCLA when you're not allowed within 100 feet of a school.

That is true. Casey Deans. So what do you do for a living? I do lift. You what? I'm a lift driver. Oh, wow. One of the world's scariest lift drivers. Yeah.

It's very exciting. That would be terrifying. What kind of car? I drive a Kona, Hyundai Kona EV. Oh my God. If your face and that car pops up, I'm just like, cancel, cancel. Does anybody have an Uber? Lifts acting a fool.

Hyundai Kona. Oh my God. Holy shit, man. What's your Uber? What's your lift rating? Oh, I'm a five star. Really? Customers get the best rides.

Oh my God. That is terrifying. I love that. That is. Some of them even leave with their skin. Hey, can you drop Gary off? What do you think? Has anyone ever gotten out of your car?

Because I've been around you for five minutes. I'm ready to leave the club. Everybody gives you five stars when you take their phone afterwards. Fuck all of you. This guy's a Waco 7. I mean, look out. He's inching closer to us. Honestly.

I have noticed. I am. The only thing from this guy is his cult. I mean, really. On a stocked comedy show like this, it's good to have the craziest version of Jim Carrey. You know, if you guys don't like this beard, I'll shave it like that.

That's cool. Fuck no, you won't. I will shave it right now. Nope. You won't. You do look like a guy that keeps a razor on him at all times. Thanks. It's like Duncan Trussell's stalker.

There you go. I did have a crazy plan about challenging Mr. William Montgomery to a shave off, but I don't want to. That is a crazy plan. What other plans did you have? To survive this, to survive this. Are you planning on cleaning the drain in your shower at some point? No, come on.

They don't have showers in tents. What is your living situation? Let's get to the bottom of this. You're driving lift. You're in the arts. We know the struggle is real, especially for guys with beards like that. What is your living situation? I live in the great town of San Marcos.

So you must have a five bedroom house. No, I've got a modest one bedroom and I have two cats. And I'm a single guy. Aw, I love cats. It's sweet. I kind of like you now all of a sudden. Thanks man. What are your cats' names?

Yacko and Wacko. They're twins. Wow. Aw, that's nice. That's from the Animaniacs. This guy's not that bad. Yacko and Wacko, everybody. You ever get any girls back to your place?

You ever go on any dates or anything like that? On any of the dating apps? I am on the apps and I have been on a date with them. How does that normally go for you? Like how does a date, trying to get a date back to your cat filled house in San Marcos go? You know, I'm very proud. I have a very pristine clean apartment. Okay.

And I'm sure, I'm sure if I ever get it. That's probably what, that's one of the upsides of still living with your mother, right? The house being clean. Are you always vacuuming to silence the voices? So take us through like your last date. How does this happen? Where do you meet this girl? What, how does it go down?

Explain to us. Just take us through it. It's okay. Come on, look. It only came out of a dumpster and she was standing there. I put Helter Skelter on in the Honda. I turned on the child locks in my car. I know what Helter Skelter is, sir.

I got that joke. Yeah, you lived it. Oh, that was haunting. Yeah, you got one of them. I know what Helter Skelter is. I wrote it. All right, Casey, let's talk about this date. Give us an example of how it starts.

So you should meet at a restaurant or something like that perhaps? It's been a long time since I've been on a date. Okay. I'm a single guy. All right. And you know, I try to date, but I'm not really obsessed with it. To be honest, it doesn't take up a lot of my mental time. But what don't you need to add to your collection?

I'm just giving them some shit, dude. That's pretty fucking brave to come up there. How long have you been doing comedy? Say again, sir. How long have you been doing it? About a year. One year? And what is that in wizard years?

Like a hundred years? Casey, congratulations. Very, very fun appearance. Here's a little Kiltoni joke book for you. Catch that. Can you catch it? There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Casey Deans, everyone.

All right. We've come to that time of the show where I get another one of the regulars up here. This guy is a fucking legend. He's been destroying all over this goddamn town and all over the road. An icon for his joke writing and roasting. Ladies and gentlemen, this is David Lucas.

One more time for David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. I just watched the Jeffrey Donner series. That was a crazy ass white man, man. Is it crazy for me to say that's just how I thought gay people were? Like, oh, that's why they call them bears.

Like for real, man. Seriously, like the cops took a kid back to his apartment with a hole drilled on the side of his head. Even cops know gay guys do that shit. Like Jeff wasn't gay. He was gay gay. Like you ever heard the phrase, eat a bag of dicks? Well, that nigga literally ate a bag of dicks.

I wonder if anybody ever said, hey, Jeff, eat a bag of dicks. And he was like, I will later gladly. Like, he was obsessed with black people. This nigga was cutting black dicks off and eating them with potatoes and shit. Like, how the fuck did he accomplish all this living next to a nosy ass black woman? That's all I want to know.

All right, thank y'all. Fuck yes. Topical, strong. Another one of the famous regulars here on Kill Tony. Another amazing performance by David Lucas. Tony, it looked like you holding auditions for the bad guy on Home Alone. All right, wow.

That's actually true. The fuck going on? I actually am holding auditions for the bad guy in Home Alone. We know that you're in there and that you're all alone. Can you say that line again, please? You're the only guy to watch the Jeffrey Dahmer show while eating shit.

Tony, you look like a gay horse saddle. You ready for a man to put his ass on your face, motherfucker? Get your... I don't know why you wore that manly ass jacket. You still look like a little girl. Oh, my God. How dare you.

All of this coming from a bowling ball with pants. This is exciting. Very, very good. I like those pants, by the way, David. Tony, you look like a homosexual taxi cab. You wear those pants to distract from everything else? You wear that jacket to hide that estrogen? I think your T-cell count is low, motherfucker.

I don't know. Let's test it against your blood sugar and see exactly where it's at. Tony got to wear that turtleneck so he can hide that transition scar. Why would it be on my neck? How would I get a transition scar? Well, if you're not hiding the scar,

you're keeping that throat warm for the night, nigga. Oh, my God. Jeffrey Dahmer was right about you people. Tony, your throat can melt dry ice. Well, I don't know how you know that, but that's true. That's an actual fact. Tweety Bird, lick it ass, nigga.

David motherfucking Lucas, an absolute roasting tornado has arrived to the stage, wearing a very thinning plain black t-shirt tonight. You're wearing a very manly coat right now. You look like the tentage that they put over a house when they were young. You're wearing a very manly coat right now.

You look like the tentage that they put over a house when they spray for bugs. Hey, Tony, if you wouldn't have escaped Jeffrey Dahmer's house, we wouldn't know shit right now. That's true. That motherfucker got up. You got them. You booty hopped your way out of that nigga house.

It's true. It's true. He's trying to kill me. Turns out the front door was unlocked the whole time. I love it. I absolutely love it. David Lucas. So what's going on in your world?

Another unbelievable minute. Thank you, brother. You just are stacking them up, piling them up like sandwiches on a Tuesday afternoon. How's life going? What's going on with that? Oh, everything good, man. You know what I'm saying?

Just on the road, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada, the week of Thanksgiving. I don't know what's up there. They said it's going to be negative for it. There ain't never been no shit like that before. Oh, shit. Yeah, I don't know what I might cancel. I don't know, bro.

You got COVID again. Yeah, something nigga. I got monkeypox. Fuck it. Hell yeah. Just say I gave them to you. Yeah. Black people ain't meant to get that cold, bro.

We came from Africa and shit. That's why y'all took us to the south. Because y'all knew if y'all would have took us to like New York and Jersey, we wouldn't have been able to pick cotton efficiently. That's true. The only negative 40 you guys should have is on your SAT scores.

You're right. Yes. Tony, when you was in school, you used your booty cheeks to erase mistakes. Again. Let me sit on my paper right quick. That motherfucker made snow angels with his ass cheeks. You know when you got to make the Thanksgiving turkey

with your hand? Tony got a left butt cheek Thanksgiving turkey at his mama house. I don't even know what the fuck you're saying right now. It don't matter. Ian eating it up. This is the best interracial porn I've ever seen in my life. Absolutely incredible.

I'm glad you brought Michael Rappaport's daddy back over. That's Jim Rappaport. Wow. Tony, I want to rush you. You got to finish the other half of those tattoos. That motherfucker look like the nigger from Saw. You want to play a game? I thought we were at the last round draft choice.

You look like a generic ass robber, motherfucker. Get your ass about it here. Easy. You about to take a taxi cab hostage right now, nigger. This is fucking awesome. Your ass got the motherfucking Harriet Tubman boots on, nigger. I love it. I see your goofy ass still toe boot wearing ass nigger.

You look like your nickname is Penguin. Easy. Get your Danny DeVito stunt double-licking ass about it here. I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention. I was going from safety to full automatic, so. What an unbelievable treat you are always, David Lucas. Another unbelievable said. Another unbelievable interview.

One of the great roasters and joke writers and performers. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for David Lucas. Wow. Wow. What a show. How lucky are we? What? Alexa Stanton is next.

Straight out of the bucket. Alexa Stanton. How about one more time for David Lucas, huh? Oh, here's Alexa. Make some noise for Alexa, everybody. Oh, I snuck up on you. All right. I'm here from Michigan.

This is my second time in Austin. Thank you. Thank you. Save ours and suck a cowboy. Am I right? Am I right? Yeah, I'm wearing a fucking fanny pack because the first time I was here, my purse got stolen.

So, yeah, fuck me, right? It got stolen from a bar called Poor Choices. You may have seen it on the way in. It's like Kitty Corner from here. It's across the street. Yeah, isn't that awful? All that I'm holding in it is a photo of the people that stole it because I got a photo with them in the photo booth beforehand.

Yeah, well, keep safe before they took my shit, right? Oh, my dad sent me a dick pic the other day. Yeah, it wasn't, no, it wasn't an accident, but it was a surprise. Okay, yeah. We're aware that Tommy Lee, all right, I'm done. Thank you very much. Was there anything, was there something you were getting to there? There was, but I heard the meow and I hate cats,

so that fucking shot me right out. You bitch. Why do you hate cats so much? Is it because that one guy has two of them? I didn't love that. No, I lived in a trap house in college on accident. Didn't know it was a trap house till after. And they were like six cats and three litter boxes.

Oh boy. That's a lot of poop stuck to the butt and the feet and all over my stuff, so. Okay, yeah. Where was this college at that you went to? It was in Michigan. It was Kendall College of Art and Design. Wow, you know about this grade? You responded there.

Yeah, I performed there. Really? For the Kendall Candles? Yeah, for the Kendall Candles. My college agent was in the Midwest and they used to set me up on these tours where I would do like noon in a fucking lunch room at Kendall fucking Art College. You didn't do a show. You were a prop for us.

Yes, yeah. So I was just, were you hanging? Were you? I was, they didn't take a lot of white paint. Okay, okay. Just a little bit of pink paint. David Tell. I'm sorry, I was waiting for their LinkedIn account to get in here.

All the way from Michigan to Austin. That's quite a move. Yes. That is amazing. No, I didn't move here. I'm visiting. Okay, so you're renting a kiln. Is that what it is?

Okay. So what brings you here? I'm finding the guys that stole my shit that I got a photo that's all. Really? No, I am here for comedy. But yeah, I'm here for just a little quick trip. Just. Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up for?

Three years. What do you do for a living? So nothing right now. Are you not from Austin? A non-contributor to the United States of America. I love it. No wonder you're here. They're not paying me though.

Okay. I don't get a check. No, I bartended out in Seattle. That's where I started comedy. And yeah, so I bartended there, saved up a bunch of money, moved back home. God, it's stolen. Yeah, exactly. Seriously, yeah.

You do a lot of cocaine? No, I should. I sound a little bit nasally and you lost a person. Poor choices on Sixth Street. So I'm just doing the math here. No, I don't. I don't do a lot of cocaine, just a smidge. Just if someone's like, here you go.

I'm like, just this nose though. Yeah. Gotcha. Or nostril. Why that nostril? Because this one's clogged. That's the one that's clogged. I live in a trap house, Tony.

I can hear. Okay, that. So it just stayed clogged? Yeah, for the most part, yeah. So you sound like that all the time? All the time. This is just my annoying fucking voice. Wow, incredible.

Let's talk about it. How long have you been single for? Did you look that guy with the beard in the eye? Why do you have so much bad luck? I have had awful luck dating, but I am dating someone now. I am dating somebody. I'm lovin' on, but I don't even think anybody could tell I'm an ostracized clown at all.

Why are we not talking about the fact that she saw her dad's dick? Let's talk about it. It wasn't, right. Okay, it wasn't my dad's dick. It was Tommy Lee's dick, the famous photo that he posted. He was very excited, and he actually informed me. He called me as soon as I woke up. He's like, did you see the dick pic that Tommy Lee posted?

He did, yeah, and I was like. How do you know Tommy Lee? We can't tell whether you're kidding or not. Is it hard having a 29-year-old dad? That's Brittany, no? He is very young. He was bangin' early on in life, but no. Tommy Lee posted his dick pic on every social media.

Did you not know him? Oh, your dad. My dad was like, you fucking see this. Sent you Tommy Lee's dick. Yeah, your dad. I didn't get to it. Right, right. Oh, correct.

Wow, right. Now it all makes sense. It was a good, good combo after, yeah. We analyzed it, and that was another level that I didn't want to get to with my dad. In your house, that's how they say, clean your room. Don't judge people and how they live, you know? Wow.

Incredible. Alexa, what do you do for fun? Well, I like to, I do a lot of stuff with my dad, not sexually. I know that. I gotcha. Like what? I know it sounds like that. Oh, what do you do?

We do a lot of sketch videos, and post them, and I know. It's awful. You do sex videos with your dad? Yes, yeah. Partially nude though, because Facebook has the whole fucking rules, and yeah. All right. So what else other than making sketch videos in Michigan with your father? I like to garden.

I just picked up snowboarding. That's been fun. I'm terrible at it. Some good old Michigan gardening, huh? Yeah, just a little. I know, I'm a wholesome girl. The two months of the year, we're gardening, so I think you could do there. Right, right.

And I eat pussy, so that's... Wait, is that true? It's a girlfriend that I have that I do like dick though. I don't, I don't shame, I like it all. All right. Wow, you love gardening because you're a hoe. Very good, I like that. That makes sense.

Thank you, thank you. Incredible, so what is, what is the deal, like who are you with right now? Do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend? It's a girlfriend, first real girlfriend. All right. I'm bisexual, but I feel like it's a spectrum. I'm 70% men, 30% women. And 100% autistic.

Tony, I feel like you're the same, but opposite. You're the 30% men, 70% women. Yeah, you get it, I feel like, yeah. You nailed it, if you just keep talking, you can't tell nobody's laughing. I like your style, it's a good move. Thank you, thank you. That's a style. Thank you.

Michigan comedy, very good. I love it. So where'd you meet this girl at? She was my friend's older sister that I grew up with, so I've known her for 16 years. Your ex-friend's older sister? Yeah, yeah. Real awkward at family Christmas. Right.

So you've known her your whole life? Yeah, for the most part, which is scary. Go on. So then what happened? How did the levee break? What exactly happened? Yeah, we've been friends for a while, and then... And then all of a sudden, one day?

One day, it just kind of happened. What happened? I was leaving the state, and she gave me a journal, and it said right to me about your memories that you have in Seattle. And I said, I will. Wow. And she came out to visit me, and it was magical. It was the first time someone asked me to sit on their face.

And that's why I'm dating her today. Wow, that's incredible. Absolutely incredible. Typical lesbian relationship. Right to me from Seattle. Do you have a Hyundai Kona? Trying to figure out what level lesbian you are. Red Band wants to know if you're in town on Thursday,

because even though you're not funny, he wants to book you on the secret show. Yeah, I would love to. Absolutely, I would love to. Oh, okay. Thank you so much. Oh, my goodness. Thank you, everyone.

Red Band showing you the Harvey Weinstein style of booking comedy. I know, he wouldn't even look me in the eye. You're a lesbian. What's the longest set you've ever done? There she goes. Alexa Stanton, everybody, her Kill Tony debut. Here, Alexa, take one of these. Here's a little joke book for you.

She doesn't catch like a lesbian. She should have given her one of the journals, Tony. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there still, huh? All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Anthony Ryan, everybody. Anthony Ryan just got pulled out of the bucket. Here on Kill Tony.

Here he comes. One more time for Anthony Ryan, everybody. What's up? What's up? I'm Anthony Ryan. I know that sounds like the Dago Wap version of Ricky Bobby, but it actually gets way worse. I'm unfortunately mostly Mexican. So just a mudblood bunch of fuckery going on.

No, but as a Mexican, I got to say, I'm confused by the border control conversation. Like, why do you guys give a fuck? Most of Americans' favorite things are already Mexican. Food, liquor, undocumented labor and underpaid happy endings. You guys love that shit down here. Love it. I just wish Mexicans got more credit for shit that was ours. You know, give you a prime example.

SpongeBob SquarePants. You guys didn't know? Why do you think that wetback sponge swims so well, lives in a fucking pineapple? He's marinating pastore in la casa. That's not a fucking accident. Dude, he's got those brown dicky shorts, pulls his socks up to his knees. That's a cholo if I've ever seen one. You guys serious?

Dude, he works as a fucking line cook at a burger joint. His girlfriend's a bucktooth squirrel with hairy arms. That's a Mexican cartoon. All right, I'm Anthony Ryan. Thank you guys. Wow. Anthony Ryan. Wow.

Thank you guys. What's up, Joey? Coming in, absolutely destroying with SpongeBob material. That is a very rare treat, very hard to do. Obviously, you've been performing in front of kindergarteners most of your career. Appreciate ya. Appreciate that. Absolutely incredible.

Alexa was up here so long. I forgot what comedy was like. Yeah, my bad. That was my dick. That wasn't Tommy Lee. She saw my dick that my dad, their dad was sending around. Oh, shit. I apologize, Alexa.

Sorry. Look at that. Stick to the racism. It's funnier. I don't know if I should take that. All right, coming with a man with a mustache. I'm never miffy about it. What does that mean, Anthony?

I couldn't hear you over your fat tits. There we go. That's fair enough. I'll take that. That's fine. Anthony, how long have you been doing stand-up? I actually just got in in January. Wow, January.

Brand new. In January, yeah. Good set for someone that's just getting started at it. Yeah, man, I appreciate it. That went exactly the way I fucking planted it in my head. So that's kind of incredible. Appreciate you guys were left. Well, that was a really funny rant.

You like, when everyone was getting into you just went harder. It was great. Yeah, I was afraid I was going to pass out for a second there. So I'm glad that that went well. That's good. That's good. Very good. Anthony almost passing out from doing stand-up comedy.

Very good. Where are you from? Originally from Chicago. OK. Do you live here now? Yeah, I've actually moved to Austin in 05. I've been here for a long time. I love Austin.

Been here for a while. And yeah, I say I'm going to adopt at Austin tonight. So. Wow, 05. So you were here a while ago. You left your family up in Chicago and came here solo or the whole family came down? Yeah, I came down first for high school.

Mom moved me down. We had family, like obviously, like I mentioned, I had to be closer to Mexico. Obvious reasons. And then we got that figured out. And yeah, I bounced back and forth in Chicago and Dallas and Austin since, but I chose this as my home. I don't know if you could love a place more than I do.

That's true. I love, we all love it as well. So Chicago 05, you come here. Yep. And when are you going to run for mayor? That's what I want to know. I appreciate that. Whenever you do run for mayor, I'm

sure the set from tonight's going to come back to haunt you. We called him a wetback sponge. He said it. I'm just repeating back what he said. So ha ha, I can't cancel me. Anthony, what do you do for work? I work in finance. You work in finance?

Yeah. What's up? Why do you, like the Mexican lady laughed at that? That's not, she thinks you're kidding. You said you're Mexican. Mexicans don't really work in finance. What do you do? I really work like an investment banking.

I probably can't say, but yeah, I work in investment. I work at a bank. Okay. All right. Is it a Mexican bank? Yeah, it's the first bank in Guadalajara. Is all the money behind a paywall? All the clients have alligator skin boots.

I can't talk about the money that we move. It's not, it's inappropriate. But that seems profitable. You have a good career. Yeah, it's like my, it was my real plan. It's like my fallback plan. Transparently, I got into the scene in January. I lost my mom a little over a year ago.

And she was one of the funniest people I knew in my entire life. So it was important for me to share laughter and get into a scene that's positive and breeds that type of thing. And that's how I honor her legacy every day. Look at that. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Wow. Very, very interesting. And now what? So now you're making money. You're having fun? You in a relationship? Yeah, trying to be. But, you know.

Okay, you're a rapist. That's solid. That's solid. Now, what do you mean you're trying to be? I mean, she's in San Antonio. So it's like a distance thing. And I'm trying to be... Oh, you're in a Hans Kim.

There you go. Oh my goodness. You guys, you guys should carpool together. You guys could carpool for pussy. That'd actually be super lucrative, as you know. Oh my god, that car ride home, you all fucking smell like a pineapple under the sea.

You know what I'm saying? Holy shit. That's sick. Do a callback to my joke. Thank you. Thank you indeed. Absolutely. I'm a professional.

So Anthony, tell us something else about you. Tell us a fun fact. What do you do for fun? I used to make music. I play like five instruments. I used to rap and stuff. What? You play instruments?

What instruments do you play? None of these ones up here. No, I'm fucking around. No, I used to like a rap and play drums, play a little bit of guitar. Yeah, no, I'm not sufficient in anything. No, I'm not nearly good as drums like the other guys you've had on a couple episodes.

There was like a fucking killer. Neil Pert was up here and I was like, I'm never gonna fucking drum. Did you say you rap? Can you rap for us that these guys gave you? Yeah. Hey, you remember when y'all did that Colt 45 beat? Like that little fucking boom.

Yeah, y'all run that for the Rock Itch Summit? Yeah, Colt 45 drum. Yeah, I did that a while ago. Yeah, you had some rappers a while ago. I was upset about it. All right, let's see what happens here. You can kick it up a little bit too. Anthony Ryan.

All right, listen close. Here we go. Said the infinite derivatives are invaluable. Energia's a help of lyric mathematician. Analyze it critically. I'm the type of rapper that he wishes he could get to be. How the song you ever wrote to button out of hit to me

before I get distracted from the point I'm trying to make. Hope you understand. You'll never feel the spot I'm trying to take. Coldest millennial in the Lone Star State. So, naturally, I got to deal with some Lone Star hate. It's all good. I'm gonna be fine.

Stack up this pumpernickel and fuck with a dime. I drink my dose with a third of lime. Hey, yo, Tony in the fourth, baby, I'm on fire. I plead the fifth. Can't tell a lie. Listen, my sixth sense is my skill to rhyme. Hey, yo, seventh, heaven, Lord, I'm hella high. I smoke an eighth on the motherfucking back.

Nine, yo, number game is hella stupid dumb. 69 until I'm due to come in my DMC. Like your boo was run. Zero dates. We just fucked for fun. Listen, I don't like Netflix while laying in bed. Bitch, if you at my crib, it's Hulu ahead. With her bare hands, she been eating some bread.

But I'd rather see what that mouth do instead. Bro, she gave me dome like a Frappuccino lid. That Latino kid spit that primo shit. You ain't know about Chicago. John Cena shit. She ain't never seen a kid bumping Drizzy's vistas in logo. So to the devil, and he gave me a refund. Even Lucifer told LeBron, a paper to heat, son.

When you know you hot, you got to reach for the flame. Because if you know you're the best, you got love for the game. Wow. I mean, what the fuck is happening here tonight? Absolute chaos. Nah, bro, I came to do my thing. Fuck you talking about, Tony.

Came to do my motherfucking thing. You're goddamn right. You fucking right, baby. I was born with this motherfucking mic. OK, OK. Wow. Jesus, bro. I agree.

It's a fucking honor, man. It's a fucking honor and a privilege. I would not dare do some weak shit in front of a fucking legend. You got it. Let's go Austin Texas with the fucks up. Come on, man. Hey. All I'm going to say is this.

And I don't even know what that was you just did, but I assume. Fuck, man. I assume you were talking about the interest rate. And in this overheated housing market, who wouldn't be excited? Fuck, man. Anthony Ryan, I mean, an unbelievable set, an unbelievable interview, an unbelievable performance. You killed it.

You really did, man. You killed it. I can't wait to. Hey, Red Band, I also identify as a lesbian. I don't know if that. How long you've been doing comedy? Since the end of January, just January. I'd love to get you on The Secret Show Thursday.

Wow. He's doing it. Would absolutely love to. That belongs to me. Thank you, boys. Make some noise for, and that's about as good as it gets. Anthony Ryan right there, everybody. You just saw the kill Tony debut of Anthony Ryan.

I can't. I can't wait to hear him wrap it. Tony. Yeah, David. Tell honestly, dude, this show is the gateway show to another free, unpaid show. I love it. I've never seen a crowd get so excited

about a guy launch a career in entertainment. After you do The Secret Show, you can help me move. I got a lot of boxes. What kind of fucking bonding scheme is this bullshit? My God. The best in the world, David Tell is here tonight, everybody. Make some noise for your next comedian, straight out of the bucket.

Let's all meet him together. He goes by the name of Michael Malamud, everybody. Michael Malamud. Here he comes. Wow, I mean, the comedy standing ovation, the entire audience is on their feet. Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching history right now. Literally, the funniest looking human being on planet earth

has arrived at kill Tony. No words necessary whatsoever. Literally, didn't have to say a thing, laughs throughout the entire set. We have discovered this is a special episode of the show. I mean, even the blind guy was laughing. And that's his kryptonite. Absolutely incredible.

We have found the world's funniest salamander. He has arrived. This guy really knows how to do an audio podcast. In unbelievable performance, one can only hope we can go the whole interview without you saying a word as well. We're going to try our very best. This is very cool to see what Aaron Rodgers would look like

in the prehistoric era. Can I ask a question? Yeah, as long as it's not to him, it has to be to one of us. When you were on that show, Stranger Things, with those other kids, what happened in that cave? I really want to know. Didn't I used to spin you on the tip of my pencil in eighth grade? Michael Malamud.

This is absolutely incredible. Yes. Now, Malamud. His name is hilarious. The look is hilarious. The demeanor is unbelievable. You're a star, kid. A true comedy star.

You are amazing. He looks like a brilliant comedian. He also looks like a modern day UFC champion for some reason. It looks like the scariest guy in the straw weight division. You know, I think you're being a little too generous. I thought some of those impressions were a little weak. And I'm sorry. I've never seen a baby bird not chirp before.

I've always wondered what Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman's kid looks like. This is so cool to find out. I smell a hit. Then again, you smell a lot more than I do. This is incredible. I've heard of people that look like they wake up in a dumpster. You look like you crawl out of an ashtray. This is very exciting.

This is his second home. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about it. Michael, what do you sound like? Oh, hell no, baby. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Everybody's...

Yo, motherfuckers, crazy. What the fuck are you laughing at? You a damn fool. Michael Malamud. So let's talk about it, my friend. How are you? Good. Yes!

Yes! Yes! Holy shit. Yes! Yes! Four minutes and 40 seconds into his entire on-stage performance. We finally have one word out of them. For those of you who are keeping statistics on your Kill Tony

at nine and a half years, we have not had anybody with the batting average that Michael Malamud has right now. He's literally averaging 84 laughs per word. Unbelievable. I almost don't want to fuck it up. I almost just say to be like, there he goes. Here, take all the joke bugs.

Have the joke bugs. Get out of here. Get out of here. Run. No. No. No. He fainted.

Here you go, buddy. Michael. Michael. Michael, take this. Yes. Now! He really did it. Oh, you did it!

Holy shit. This show is chaos. You are... I think I speak for everybody at this table when I say we are working way too hard. Yeah. Unbelievable. Malamud.

To the bucket we go. Make some noise for Liam Maloney, everybody. Liam Maloney. Hard to follow. What a night. What a show. Where do we go from here? Michael Malamud is going to be one tough act to follow.

Wow. Here he is. Liam Maloney, everybody. Malamud. What's up, Vulcan? I don't know how I'm going to follow one word, but I'm 21 and I still have some baby teeth. And yeah, it's a little fucked.

I've never been able to get braces. And they always say that people have sweet tooth. They really like candy. So I really think this is just God's way of telling me to join the clergy. I was in the airport the other day at O'Hare in a layover. And it was my first time since turning 21. And I was running all over the airport trying to find some liquor,

but I couldn't find those little bottles. And I kept trying to like say the name of it, but my girlfriend on the phone, she just didn't understand what I was trying to say. So I kept running around, kept running around. And then across the gates, I see exactly what I'm looking for. And so I sprint across the gates,

get all the way up to the nearest guy in a turbine, and I yell out, Shooters. I got, oh, thank you. Wow. Okay, there he is. Liam Maloney. Wow. That was great.

The last guy didn't talk, and I wish this one. Liam Maloney. Welcome to the show. 21 years old. How long have you been on stand up? Month and a half since I moved down here. Wow. A month and a half.

And you came here to start? Yeah. Incredible. What made you choose Austin, Texas, and not New York or Los Angeles? I have a friend who does comedy in LA. He performs at LA, or not LA. New York, and he does governors

and a few of those Long Island ones, and he said that it wasn't going great. So, and you, Joe, laying the foundation, and Hans showing how to work it out. That's absolutely correct. That is the correct answer. You are correct. You just won a bunch of money.

So Liam, what do you do for work? I sell AT&T products out of a kiosk at a Sam's Club. Whoa. Oh my goodness. It got worse and worse. He said, you're not. It sucks, man. At a Sam's Club in hell.

My goodness. Incredible, Liam. What do you do for fun? What are 21-year-olds doing for fun nowadays? I hunt. I fish. Keep my dog from hunting my cat. Okay.

Oh, that's nice. So you have animals, too. You brought them from? Yep. Where you came from? Which is where again? Syracuse, New York. Syracuse.

Oh, God. Hell. You really, you really... Did you start in a Sam's Club there? Oh my God. That's literally hell to me. Everybody knows upstate New York is hell. Yeah, it's not.

There's nothing there. Oh my God. Wow. That is incredible. You're a real survivor. You must be having the time of your life here in Austin. Yeah, I absolutely love it here. Love the mics.

Love this night scene. Love everything. Have you been to HEB yet? I have been to HEB. Yeah. God damn right. Name some of your favorite products that you've gotten from HEB

so that then listeners around the world can start to understand what's going on here. Fuck it. Lone Star. Not exactly what I was looking for, but... Have you tried the bacon wrapped in alpaca popper? You really fucked that one up for me, dude. Oh, shit.

Liam, so you're 21. What are you doing for fun in Austin? Tell me about it. Other than open mics. Oh, I'm definitely just hitting them the nightlife around here on 6th. Work eats up a lot of my time, but just take my dog to all the cool parks here in Austin.

You love your dog. What kind of dog do you have? I have a husky. I brought him from up north. Right. Yeah. And the cat is a cat. Yeah, she's...

Her name's Fatty. Fatty? Yeah, she's like 25 pounds. She's a big girl. Oh, shit. Trying to kill your cat. Oh my god. I tried to get her down to 18

by switching her off of carb food, like dry food. I tried the same thing with David Lucas. It doesn't work. Doesn't work at all. They don't listen. You got to get your cat on keto. Have you tried that? There you go.

Dr. Redban with some good advice. I think it's good advice. Yeah, absolutely. I love it. So what else is going on in your world? What else? Give us something. How do you plan to get out of this kiosk at a Sam's Club?

So I've always worked in bars and stuff. So I've been trying to apply to a lot of the cool clubs down here. Haven't heard anything, but just looking for all the comedy clubs to get into. Work there. Have you heard of the East Side comedy? I'm pretty sure I could get you a job there. I'm pretty fucking positive.

All right, Liam. Well, you've made your Kill Tony debut. You've been here a month and a half. What do you guys think? Any words of advice for Liam, anybody? I mean, Malamud was a tough follow. It really was. You know, that kid's a star.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy. And let's not forget Gary Falcon's Kill Tony debut out there as well. So you're going up against a lot. How long have you been doing comedy? A month and a half. Oh, man. You got up here and you fucking did it. You had jokes.

You know, just keep at it. You're down here in a good scene. That's great. It takes a lot of balls to put your name in out a month and a half, dude. That's great. You're fucking down here. You're doing it.

Keep doing it. His Kill Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen, starting off with a little joke book. There goes Liam Maloney, everybody. There he goes. Should we go to the bucket one more time? All right. If you guys say so, let's see what happens here.

Make some noise for your final comedian out of the bucket. Dylan Sharp, everybody. Dylan Sharp. Here we go. Dylan Sharp, ladies and gentlemen. Anybody moving over there? Dylan. No Dylan.

Nope. Okay. Is that Dylan? All right. Here he is. Dylan Sharp. Lot of guys in Austin at Face Tattoo. They get zero bitches.

I call that post alone. I grew up in Florida. When I was a child, my mom worked at a bed bass salsa and beyond. I used to work at a Golden Crow. You're welcome, by the way. Here's my marketing campaign for Golden Crow. It goes, Golden Crow, if you want food, it's there.

Golden Crow, when you're here, you probably wish you were somewhere else. Met a girl named Paris the other day. That's a beautiful name, right? Whenever someone has a first name of a city, it's always a cool city. It's always like Paris or London. Like, you never meet a couple and they go,

this is my daughter, Daytona Beach. It's my son, Abba Kirkie. Don't look Abba Kirkie in the eyes. Just don't do it. Day in Austin's hard, right, ladies? As soon as one of you can't go paddle-boarding, your relationship's over. Then what do we have?

Just, good night. Dylan Sharp. A good rock-solid set from beginning to end. You've been on this show before, right, Dylan? I have. Okay. That was strong right out of the gate, man. Very good.

Thank you. I love it. Now blink, all right? Holy shit. You do have crazy eyes, a little bit. I know, I know, I know, I know. Have you been told this before that you have crazy eyes? No, not by you guys.

No, I have not. Who told you that? Hinge. Wow. The judge. Probation officer, yeah. You do have crazy eyes. Where do you think that comes from?

Do you have any mental health issues? I have OCD. Do you? Yeah. Really? What are some OCD things about you? I can't do anything in fours, because I have five family members

and that means one of them's gonna die. Nothing comes in fours. Wow. OCD, what else? What else do we have? OCD, ADD, ED2. Oh shit, really? What does it take to get you hard

other than a pistol in your mouth? Tone. He's like a human wordle. At least one and a half blue chews, at least. My goodness, incredible. There's a lot wrong with you. I'd be interested to see what an actual doctor would say about someone like you.

Is there a doctor out there, anyone? Oh, here comes a doctor right here. Oh, look at this, everybody. That's a real doctor. Oh, shit. What the fuck? It's Dr. Drew. Weird, huh?

Weird. Gentlemen. So what are we doing here, Tony? What the fuck? It's good to have a doctor on call. He's got a show on your mom's house network. This is the great Dr. Drew. Well, he sits in the seat.

You're awesome. So ED, ADD, ADHD, and OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder, mainly. And do you take medication for that? No. Have you thought about it? No, yes, I should, but no. Has anybody recommended it?

No. Do you wash your hands excessively? No, it's mostly like someone's gonna die. Four, four, yes. Yeah, four. That's twice he said it. Oh, we got two more to go, yeah. So are you having trouble functioning because of that?

No, yeah. I hide it. I hide it very well. No, you don't. Does it help you with the comedy in any way? That's what the OCD says, but I don't think that's true. The OCD says? The OCD says if you do this six times, you're gonna do well tonight.

I believe bipolar has entered the chat, everybody. We went from four to six and auditory hallucinations. So wait, you said that you have OCD and what happens with counting? All right, four. If anything happens in four, someone's gonna die. There's five of us, someone's going down. Gotcha. So just by being associated with a four, drags his family into the number.

Right, right, right. That's fucked up, right? You know that's fucked up. Definitely. Yeah, it's nice. So you've said it three times so far. I know. So he's down to about two family members, so we're good.

So you might think about medication one day, but as long as it doesn't affect your functioning, and as long as you can sort of channel it with the comedy, good on you. I hope. See, it just makes your eyes look a little weird. Do you think like... Doctor's orders. How about a hand for Dr. Drew, everybody?

Thank you. Fuck, yes. Dr. Dr. Drew. That helped a lot. Catch appearances by William Montgomery Me and Hans Kim on Dr. Drew's podcast on the Your Mom's House Network. David Tell is back. That was the world's lamest grooming I've ever seen in my life.

But when you sit in the audience and you see it from there, that didn't look like Dr. Drew and Dr. Seuss. We're having a... Oh, that's rich. Coming from a guy that looks like he sold Kyle Rittenhouse's gun. Dylan, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Dylan's on The Secret Show. Do you have one of these yet?

You do. Dylan Sharp, everybody. Well, there's only one place to go from here, everybody. There's only one man that could end a show like this. This man has done more new minutes on the show than anyone ever. He's known as the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis strangler. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

Wow. First and foremost, Red Band, I want to wish you a happy Rosh Hashanah. I hope you're having a great Jewish New Year, Red Band. I had to tell my daughter for the first time last week, bitch, if you see me as a kid, you better stay out of my way. Sundance Film Festival had three films about abortion this year. The good news is that only two unborn children were harmed during the making of the films.

And the other one was given to the Clinton Foundation. I met a guy who wrote for the show NCIS, and he told me, did you all know that NCIS is supposed to be said like a word? Okay, I thought that was going to go better. Isn't that funny thinking you just say NCIS? Like a word and not just, okay. Roger Waters has recently angered Pink Floyd fans around the world, surprisingly not because of his pro-Russia stances,

but because he said Apex Twin isn't a real musician. Fuck that guy! The other day, I explained to Red Band how the first person contracted monkeypox. They banged a monkey, to which Red Band replied, oh no, I sure hope I don't get cousinpox. He fucks his cousins! That's a fact. He literally has sex with one of his cousins. That's a fact. Look it up.

She's hot. Yeah, look it up. No, you can look up the video. It's on the fucking internet. It's so gross, they filmed it. Okay, that's my time. All right, he's done two minutes and 12 seconds. He gets to do as long as he wants. Wow, William Montgomery doing what only William Montgomery can do. Coming in, grand slams only, all the way through.

Absolute intense energy. Tried to pull a Michael Malamud at the beginning there and failed out quick. I thought you were going to pull it off. I think you could probably do it. How you doing, William? Tony, I actually have some really sad news for the show. I got a new manager and he actually booked me a spot on late night with David Letterman. So I'm going to start doing that. Yeah, I got a new manager. He got me on Letterman's show.

I think it's late night or what is it called? Yeah, it's not a show anymore. What do you mean? That's not a show anymore. What do you mean? He doesn't do a late night show anymore. I literally just got this new manager guy and he booked me a fucking gig on David Letterman's show. What does this manager look like?

Oh man, he's this little Hispanic guy. He's really sweet, but yeah, he's this little Hispanic guy. Yeah, he said he got me a fucking gig on David Letterman's. I'm so embarrassed now. You know, this happened to me when they took me off the ventilator. What does that mean or what? What, a punchline? Okay, I'm sorry. I don't know what family on House of Dragons you represent, but...

Boom. I do believe it's the tallies. The tallies is the answer there. What's House of Dragons? What's that? Oh, very good. Yeah, it's the most popular show in the world right now. I guess in this town, that's a brand of heroin. I don't know. William Montgomery coming in, smashing, doing twice as long as everybody else, out of control. Even the bear bends the knee to William Montgomery. An incredible set. You did it looking good. I love that cracker bell shirt.

That is fucking classic. Thank you so much. I'm literally... We found out recently that you have an addiction to eBay. Yes, I did not get this on eBay. I actually got it at the Cracker Barrel Store. I'm here to announce to everybody they have a new special. If you eat there for six days on the seventh day, you get a free thing of pancakes. That's what I've been doing the past two weeks now. You eat there for six days in a row. On the seventh day, you get some pancakes.

Seriously, did you really get that from Cracker Barrel? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I go there all the time. How much did you pay for it? 20 bucks. Really? Yeah. What do you think it would be? More expensive or less expensive? It looks vintage.

No, this is what they sell now. I helped them design this one. See, the part there at the end leads me to believe that you might be lying. No, I've been a designer for it for two years. I think that's a vintage Cracker Barrel shirt. I do not believe that you just bought this this weekend. Is there anybody that knows anything about appraising or whether things are real? Is there any... Wait a second. You'd have to wait until somebody starts to move.

Is there somebody up there? Can we get somebody down here that knows the actual, perhaps, whether that's real or perhaps the price of something like this? Is there any movement? You see anything? See over here? Where? This one. The black lady?

Oh, it's the... I do. I do. I do, but I'm not that good. So it's this one right here. Okay. Well, we're not going to you. Is there anybody else? What the fuck? Is there anybody? Is there somebody up there? Right? It's coming down, perhaps.

Are they coming? Somebody coming? Let's see. I do believe somebody. Nope, not you. God, they're not talking about you, bitch! Fucking sit back! Did we lose them? Nick?

What? What? What? Is Rick here? Rick left? Thanks for the heads up, Nick. Very good. We literally had the guy from Pawn Stars here earlier, but he had to leave.

It would have been sweet, but thanks again, Nick, for the heads up on that. Nothing better than telling us four minutes after we hit his intro music. Tony, it's good he didn't come up on the stage, because I know that motherfucker a bunch of fucking money. Oh, that's perfect. I swear to God. That's absolutely perfect. I sold him some fake fucking basketball cars as his fucking dumb ass stories got Vegas and

fucking, I almost shit ton of money. He's a big idiot. I'm glad he didn't fucking come up here. I haven't seen you in a while, Memphis Strangler. How's strangling going? Well, I was in San Francisco with Duncan this past weekend. He didn't want me to say, but yeah, he helped me find. I found a couple of people.

I got to the very end part and I just didn't didn't strangle him. I think I don't know what's going on. I really want to, I swear to God, I wanted to strangle those two people, but I just kind of held myself. I need to start learning some more, just I need to really hold back. I mean, I've really been strangling a bunch of fucking people. I've got to stop sometime. They're going to catch me.

So yeah, I held my ground. I didn't didn't strangle him. Oh, what what part did you stop at? Just when they were, when their eyes were going into the back of their heads and their tongues start turning this blue color, Dave. I understand. Is it hard raising a daughter in a bunker? Yeah, it's like fucking 30 feet down.

It's fucking 30 stairs. I have to climb every fucking day. She doesn't walk that well. It's literally a nightmare living in the fucking bunker with my dumb ass daughter. She's the stupidest, stupidest fucking little girl. I can't even believe it's my fucking daughter. And we're living in a fucking bunker together. God, talk about a bad decision.

Wow. You just got yes, and a David tell. Wow. I thought he was rapping. Who is that other guy? William Mondon. Is that a fucking joke? It is.

You know, he thought I was rapping. Even though you're dressed for jeopardy. I want you to know this. You're the strongest act I've seen here tonight. It's hard closing a show when you're doing it. So kudos to you, buddy. You're killing it. Thank you.

He does it every single week. He's absolutely unbelievable. He's out on the road. He's headlining on his own. That's William Montgomery. Guys, please, for the love of God, how loud can this place get for my great guests? David tell.

Great fit Simmons. And the inviting David tell.com fits dog.com. Be any in and buy guys. Check out Dr. Drew's podcast on the your mom's house network. Watch porn porn stars, even though he left. And Gary Falcon says, go to nickswardson.com. And a bunch of other fun things. How about one more time for the best band in the land?

That's the Kill Tony band. Brought to you by screw about being a better whiskey. This has been kill Tony brought to you by the yellow rose, the red rose and deep Eddie vodka. We did it again. Love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.