KILL TONY - #579 - HANS KIM + WILLIAM MONTGOMERY + DAVID LUCAS

Episode Date: October 18, 2022

William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/03/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.—Kimpton Hotel Van Zandt – Save on Sunday and Monday nights when you stay at Hotel Van Zandt using this link: CLICK HERE!

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including the Weekly Secret show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for TonyHinchCliff! You guys waiting for the best goddamn night of your lives or what, huh? How about a hand for the great Brian Red Band? You guys with us?

Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rows and the Yellow Rows and delicious Deep Eddie Vodka, all amazing local Austin, Texas treats. Great sponsors of the show. How about a hand for the band, huh? Did you guys hear that? That's the official screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's the great D-Madness on the bass guitar right there. That is Dave's share on that electric guitar Max Frost on this one over here.

And that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Oh, and hey look, it's Paul Deemer on the horns everybody. We got all these Austin icons here for one amazing show. I'm so pumped about it. A lot of great stuff happening, a lot of fun stuff planned for the night. It is indeed a very special episode. You'll find out why in just a moment. But before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

Hey y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian. And I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. October 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. October 14th and 15th. I am in Boston, Massachusetts. November 4th and 5th, New York, New York. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas.

January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now. Get tickets while you still can. Hey y'all, it's time to gear up for fall with Bespoke Post and their new seasonal lineup of must-have box of awesome collections. Bespoke Post partners with small businesses and emerging brands to bring you the most unique goods every month. We are huge fans of box of awesome. I've gotten a lot of my favorite stuff.

I got the Carnivore, the American barbecue rub, and the Carnivore box is made by the Great American Spice Company in Rockford, Michigan. They're all made by cool local, real companies. You know, good American small business. The stuff that makes the red, white, and blue go round. The best country on planet Earth. And here we are coming into the fall season. So I have some hunting knives, some really cool. I have some travel equipment that I use, some unbelievable bags that I've gotten from Bespoke Post that I'm about to take to Boston, to Philly, to Vegas.

All this week in a good, durable bag, let me tell you, when you're on the road a lot goes a long way. Box of awesome stuff actually is awesome. To get started, take the quiz at boxofawesome.com. Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you because each one is different and personalized. As you guys know, Red Band and I, literally two totally different people, and he gets stuff designated for him, right, Red Band? Of course. I get all the stuff for the kitchen, including Scorch. There's a bunch of hot sauces, and they're from small brands all over the country, with some from Texas, Nevada, California, and more. And they release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories.

Each box is valued at around $70, but you only pay a fraction of that price. It's free to sign up, and you can skip a month or cancel anytime. It's like Christmas every single month, except stuff that you actually like, not another pair of socks from your dead grandmother. Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code KILLTONY at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, code KILLTONY, all one word for 20% off your first box. Boxofawesome.com, code KILLTONY. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I mean, I got you. I know we're starting on time.

Maybe you didn't get enough drinks in your system, but we've been having a lot more fun than the energy that I'm feeling from you right now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? There we go. What are the amazing things about this show? Is people always go, what about the bucket? What about this? You get to find talent. Well, one of the things that happens here is on top of watching the growth of regulars on the show and having big, crazy special guests all the time is sometimes on this panel, you get to see the future. Sometimes we, you know, I like, I take great pride in the fact that five or six years ago, I was saying this guy's the future. Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Dillon or three years ago, this guy's the future, Shane Gillis.

We've always done that. This week is no different. Three guests for you, three of the longest standing regulars in the history of the show. Tonight's guests are William Montgomery, Hans Kim and David Lucas. Wow. Oh shit. Wow. Amazing. William Montgomery.

David Lucas. And Hans Kim. Scoot your chair all the way. Wow. There they are. Unbelievable. Tonight is indeed a special night comedian appreciation night. We are calling it.

We are going to get at least three more bucket pools out tonight. We're going to meet a bunch of the, how do you comedians feel about a bunch of extra bucket pools? They're all in the back smushed together right now. They're thrilled. They can't really make any noise because their chests are compressed against one another. It's like it's being in an Indonesian soccer game back there right now. But here they are three of the best. You watched them go from wanting to be part of the big game to headlining all around the world. David Lucas traveling continuously couldn't make it to my gigs this weekend in Nashville because you were headlining.

Where were you at? Boston, Massachusetts. Headlining his own shows. Hans Kim was on a jet to Atlanta with Joe Rogan. And William Montgomery was on a jet to Nashville with me. My boys are all grown up for those of you that are fans of the show. Not many comedians get to travel by jet. Unfucking believable.

How was your weekend Hans? It was amazing Tony. You weren't there to make fun of me but Joe Rogan picked up the slack. I bet he did. There's a lot of slack to be picked up on, a lot of extra material. Some of which you've cut off that shirt tonight. I love it. I always love it when you dress like a Thanksgiving turkey to be here. Pumpkin spice. Very fun.

William Montgomery took his first jet ride like a nervous Nellie this weekend in Nashville, Tennessee. You got to go home and do amazing shows at your home club at Nashville Zanies with special guest poppins by Theo Vaughn. And your parents were in-house, the people that made you. Your father put his penis in your mom. Yeah, I was having a wonderful time at all the shows until Saturday when my parents were there and then Tony starts graphically explaining them fucking how they made me. It was horrifying.

I was horrified. I was talking about how his father put his penis inside of his mother's wet, warm vagina and moved it back and forth repeatedly until... You did that on stage? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was looking at his parents right in the eyes while I was doing it. I had dinner with them before. I'm allowed to do shit like that. They were laughing. The crowd was laughing.

The only person not laughing was the parents over here. Alright, well, William Montgomery and of course the great David Lucas, the roastmeister himself. I get to watch you let it rip on some of these fucking innocent victims here tonight. We're going to have fun. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show, huh? A lot of you guys know how it works. We have a bucket filled with comedians' names. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Sounds like that. And then I interview them afterwards. We find out more about them. We talk to them about their lives and what makes them interesting. The whole thing's improvised. We all figure it out together. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

To the bucket we go. Normally we would start with the great Hans Kim. He would build momentum, build comedy momentum, show you how it's done. Tonight we might just start fucking drowning right from the get. I mean, it could be an insane person. It could be a local legend ready to break out. You guys ready for this shit? Your first comedian goes by the name of, well, we know this guy.

Make some noise for Matthew Maloney, everybody. We know Matthew very well. He's been on the show in Los Angeles. He's been on the show in Austin. He's a real comedian, a good kid. Good way to start tonight's show. We got lucky on this one. Make some fucking noise.

60 seconds uninterrupted from Matthew Maloney. Half lemonade, half iced tea. What's that called? Arnold Palmer. Arnold Palmer. Yeah, goddamn right. So why the fuck is Chick-fil-A trying to call it a sunjoy? I go through a Chick-fil-A.

I'm trying to cut back on sodas. I ordered an Alder Palmer and this bitch corrects me. Oh, would you like a sunjoy? No. What fucking hippy shit is a sunjoy? Sounds like the Kool-Aid that the cult leader passes out at the last meeting. But I tried it. I tried the sunjoy and it was fucking perfect.

Best Arnold Palmer I'd had in my life. And that's why they'll get away with it. That's why Chick-fil-A gets away with everything. Thank you guys so much. Alright, Matthew Maloney. 60 seconds, all on Chick-fil-A. Do you do Chick-fil-A material because you're their mascot? You're the Eat More Chicken cow?

Spell it out for some of you that didn't react properly to that unbelievable joke that I just made? I know it's early, but it's happening now, folks. That was amazing because you look like a cow. A really, really smart cow, though, you do look like. Thank you, Tony. Very intelligent man. So welcome to the show, Matthew. Remind us all, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Not counting eight years, let's say eight years. Eight years is a good answer. And what do you do for a living? I just got a new job, actually. I am a after-school teacher. Oh, pedophile. Very good. Come on over to my place when you're done with school.

After-school teacher. So what exactly are you doing? So, for all those parents that don't have time to pick up their kids when school ends, they enlist their kids in a program where they deal with me for three extra hours. Holy shit, dude. So you pick them up from school? No, no, I go to the school. I have to show them an ID and pass a background check.

Every day is a struggle. So then you go to the school and hang out with them at the school. Yes. Okay, very good. And how long have you been doing that for? Like, fourth week. Fourth week? So how's it going?

Tell us about it. How are the kids nowadays? Oh my god. I mean, I have a background. Like, I used to teach kids... Not only have you a background, but your front is also round. You've noticed. I thought that was better than what that got to.

It seems like a light. I noticed it from the get. You guys are light energy tonight. Is everything okay? Front round? Front round because he's fat again, folks? All right, let's just keep... Thank you, sir.

Thank you in the back. All right. Go ahead. I interrupted you. So a long fucking time ago, I was a camp counselor for like eight consecutive summers at a Boy Scout camp. Absolutely. So you have a heavy experience in pedophilia. Very good.

Yeah, I got it from both ends, yeah. Some of the good old pornhub pedophile movies that we're used to. Okay, Boy Scouts and... What would you guys do in the Boy Scouts? Go steal the Girl Scouts cookies from them and... Okie dokie. I guess we're just going to start slow today. I taught basket weaving in the Boy Scouts.

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Seriously? Yeah, yeah. Among other things, but basically they... They kept me with basket weaving. They knew I was kind of only good in the one area. Okay.

All right, tell us something interesting about your life that we don't know about since the last time you were on this show. You know how being... You've been on this show a few times. Back in LA multiple times here. Yeah, yeah. So right before the school thing, I was... Like a... Sorry.

I was working at a boutique hotel on 6th Street. And I got fired because I asked for a raise because I caught my boss cheating. Whoa. You asked for a raise. See... Okay, so let's... Which was a stupid idea. Right.

It was the worst idea ever because even if she went for it, then she has to like work with the guy who's blackmailing her. It was... Oh my God. I didn't think it through at all. Yeah, you really didn't. So it's a she. I think that's a twist that we did not see coming. Yeah, yeah.

Tell us more about this. So you're going through a room or something like that. Is she in one of the hotel rooms? She often would meet guys in the empty hotel rooms. Yeah. Like a valet guy? Who did you catch her with? Honestly, I caught her sneaking off with some of the more handsome guests.

Nothing I could confirm until my friend who got me the job told me he put in his two weeks and then she jumped on him because she had to crush on him for a while and then he was on his way out. So he's like, okay, better fucking ride him and then fucking him off. Oh, shit. Incredible. So were they hooking up at the hotel or other places? My friend hooked up with her in the bar bathroom.

Wow. Classy lady. Damn. Get a room at the holiday inn. You know what I'm saying? It's surprising that they would do that because you literally should get a room at a hotel. So you said she cheated, so you're saying she was married? She was married.

Or she is married. Yeah, still married. Do you think about calling the husband or anything creepy? After I got fired, yeah, I did. But you didn't. I don't have his number. You don't have his number. I met him once before, but I met him quite a few times after I found out she was cheating

and it was always like, like I had this like awkward energy inside me of wanting to tell him like, dude, you're fucking, I don't know. But I didn't. Holy shit. Ever think of like Facebook or something? You could send him a little message. Man, I just don't. Yeah.

I mean, you just got to do it for the bro. For a while. For a while, I like try to like, I knew his like full name, so I try to like stalker him like on the internet. He's pretending like he doesn't know how to be a stalker right now. This is very exciting. I failed at stalking. Wow.

That is so interesting. So interesting. Guys, what do you think about Matthew Maloney? What do you, what do you use your first time seeing him? No, I'm not asking you, you fucking idiots. What a dumb audience this is tonight. It's unbelievable. Don't know when to laugh.

Don't know when to clap. I'm asking the guests what they think about Matthew Maloney. This isn't fucking America's Got Talent where your vote matters at all morons. Text the number. Jesus Christ. A lot of people visiting from Houston tonight. Is that what's going on? It's a little bit of a sluggish crowd.

Hans Kim, let's start with you. What do you got from Matthew Maloney? Have you thought about sleeping with the husband to get back at your boss? That's a good question. That's a good fucking question. Not my type. Right. Too old.

Okay. He's one of those guys with real nice guy energy and she's fucking hot so I kind of understand it. Yeah. It was definitely a, he got her pregnant sort of situation that they're in right now. Right. But you know, I don't know, I babysat her kids. It was rough to find out.

Okay. All right. David Lucas, this is the vanilla version of you. What do you got for this guy? No way. He has zero swag. I want to know what's that white shit on your shoes, bro. You've been battering chicken or what?

Dude, that was this fucking dust from the goddamn kids today. We did a fucking experiment with fucking mud and mud's not white. That is not mud. But when it dries, it is. That's motherfucking excessive powder donut flakes. Cookie crumbs. You don't fuck with sketches? Hell no.

I've never met a black guy who does. Bro, I love the pitch that David Lucas just got to. Hell no. The nicest thing I heard a black guy say about sketches was man, they look comfortable. Yeah. They do. You don't get no pussy in them shoes, bro. What is your love life like Matthew?

When's the last time you got hooked up with three years ago? It's been a while, man. It's been a while. I've been playing apps like yeah, I went plenty of Wales.com or something. Oh, that's the wall. You guys like fat jokes. Okay. Now you do.

All right. William Montgomery, what do you think about Matthew Maloney? I remember like four years ago, we got drunk as shit at some show outside of Los Angeles one time. You remember that? Yes, sir. That was fun. Why'd you just say, why'd you just say yes, sir? Because I respect you.

Well, thank you a lot because I swear to God, if you didn't just fucking yes, sir me, I was about to fucking lose it up here. I swear to God, ever since fucking Tony started saying the sex stuff and my sweet parents were in the fucking room, it's like a screw was fucking knocked loose. So I'm glad you just said yes, sir. Thank you. William is a wildfire here tonight. He does have a gun and a rope on him. I got one on me right now. Oh boy.

He's wild. Matthew, thank you for getting tonight's show started. You showed everybody how it's done. Matthew E Maloney, everybody. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Anything can happen here. Hell yeah.

Good looking crowd we have here tonight. Your next comedian goes by the name of Justin O'Donnell, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Justin O'Donnell, here he comes. It's all happening. Come on, one more time for Justin, everybody. So I had a threesome the other day and I wanted to say something sexy. But instead I said, oh, I wish I had two dicks right now.

So Daredevil's a cool superhero. He's kind of funny though, right? Because it's like, oh, we got a blind superhero. It's awesome. What's a superpower? Well, you can see. You can just kind of see. I got in a heated argument with the trans man the other day.

And I was like, fuck you, bitch. But I mean, bitch, like the way I would call another man a bitch. I would never call a woman a bitch. I watched the movie Casino the other day, but I saw it on cable. You know how they censor things for cable. They change the words to other words. So in the censor for cable version of Casino, Joe Pesci's character calls Robert De Niro's character, a Jew motherfucker, you.

But in the censor for cable version, he calls him a Jew money lover, you. Which is way worse. It's so much worse. Thank you. Wow. I like that. Save the big one for the end there. Smart.

Smart, smart man you are. Justin, have you been on this show before? Yes, sir. Okay. I'm glad that you're back. What happened last time you were on? I thought my minute was okay and my interview was dog dick. Why do you think your interview was dog dick last time?

First of all, can I tell you that I like that you have the mic stand taller than you right now? I was watching you hold it through your set. You look like Mexican Gandalf or something like that. Incredible. He's a little guy, right? I love it. Gandalf was a hobbit. Yeah.

You say that you had a threesome. I bet the two girls you were with say they had a two and a half sum. This guy. I've actually, Tony, I've actually never had a threesome, but I came very close one time. I love it. Very close. I love it. What ruined it at the end?

Did you try any of your jokes on or something? They were both on the floor, which is wet, which is another story. No, that's not another story. That's this story. We have to find out right now. A couple of ladies slipped and fell and then couldn't move and that's your almost threesome. I've fallen and I can't get up, but I can get up. I can get up right now.

So they're my two friends. They're strippers and they came over to my apartment. Is that why you always hold onto a pole like that? Yeah. Reminds me of better times. So your two stripper friends are on a wet floor. Explain how they get there. So they were doing like, they were getting drunk.

They're drinking my beer and they were like doing, I think ballet. You say they were drinking your beer like you didn't want them to be drinking your beer. They were drinking beer is what a good house. Right. A host would say. They were. But you said they were drinking my beer. I think I'm just bitter overall from this story.

Right. So they were doing ballet in my living room and one of them. Ballet. Strippers randomly doing ballet in your living room. Yeah. Is cocaine involved? Your jacket. Your jacket tells me that there was coke involved.

Yes. Absolutely. There you go. That's one one for me. Cross that off your kill Tony bingo card. One of them stepped in my dog's water bowl and spilled water all over the place. Oh shit. They ended up on the floor.

The other the other one like joined her on the floor. They started like, you know, feeling on each other. They started trying to pull me down. Oh shit. But I didn't want to get on the floor because it was wet and gross and. What the fuck. I'm sorry. Ladies I would.

But it's it's so it's so wet and gross down there. They're like, come on Justin, you're so close to the floor. Just come a little. You're right here. Justin just bent over. I can't imagine what kind of strippers on blow. Are you sure it wasn't fentanyl? Hey, I don't have the testing strips.

Anything's possible. All right. I bet. I bet. So go ahead. Tell us more. We're getting halfway. I'm not a bitch like the kind I call the man.

Not like how I call a woman. I just realized that I always need David on panel. I need you just to sometimes call people a bitch like that because when I do it, I'm kind of a bitch so it doesn't really come across. Some people would say I almost slept and fell into some pussy, but instead slept and fell into a pussy. Oh my God. This is kill Tony.

Now we're cooking. Holy shit. Yeah. Something fell into that. Okay. So then what happens? Yeah, I fell and smashed my knee on the floor. Wait, you really did?

Yeah. With them already on the ground? Yeah. So then you fell too? Yeah. What kind of fucking three Stooges ass shit is going on at this place? It was pretty embarrassing. By the time I felt up for it, like the sun had come up,

they had to go home to their kids and shit. Strippers? You've heard of comedians and cars drinking coffee. Nothing better than strippers doing ballet while the sun comes up. Slipping on dog bowls. Holy shit, man. Justin, what do you do for work? I am a bartender.

Oh, wow. Can you see over the bar that you tend? That's incredible. What do you want? You just see a bottle with a hand. What do you want? I do the voice one more time. What do you want?

I thought you set a low bar with your comedy. Wow. A bartender. Absolutely incredible. I actually bartend at another comedy club. Can I say the name or is that a... No. I don't see why you would.

Not fair enough. I don't see why you would. Do you do comedy there? They haven't started running open mics yet, so not yet. I see. It must be quite the prolific comedy club we're talking about here. All right, Justin. Well, anything else for Justin, guys?

What do you guys say anything else for this little thing? Nah. He's just so disappointed in you. Yeah, you're right. Somebody get him off the stage. Somebody get him off the stage. Ha, it's kicking me in the ass. Somebody get him off the stage.

Kick me in the ass. Before you go, Justin, I'm going to give you one of these small joke books, but for you, it's a normal-sized joke book, all right? There you go. Justin O'Donnell, everybody. Oh, shit. We got a Karen going to the restroom, everybody. All right, your next comedian goes by only one word.

The name is Crumb. C-R-U-M. I'm positive it's the first time on the show. I would remember a name like that. Here he comes. Make some noise for Crumb, everybody. Hello. Hi.

Yeah, it's an unusual sound. Hi. My name's Crumb. Crumb's actually my last name. I come from a really long line of crumbs that lead all the way to Hansel and Gretel's house. So, yeah. I grew up a Jehovah Witness. Which is kind of like being a door-to-door salesman, except, you know, you're selling lies.

I spent a lot of mornings on doorsteps. A lot of people, especially men, come to the door naked. So, as a child, I saw a lot of grown men's penises. Obviously, not as much to my Catholic friends, but, you know, still quite a lot. I'm actually envious of my Catholic friends, though, because growing up, Jehovah Witness, you don't get any birthdays, Christmas or Easter. So, although I wasn't touched, it kind of feels like somebody fucked my childhood. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's me. Thank you. Crumb. Oh, my goodness. I don't know where to begin with you. Wow, Crumb. Welcome, welcome, welcome. So, where are you from?

I'm from New Zealand. Oh, okay. An interesting crossover, then. That's interesting. That's where Lord of the Rings was filmed. Yeah, I was in Rings of Power, actually. You were in it? Yeah.

Wow. I play Ultima. If anybody watches it. Wow. I was expecting a big pop there. Any Ultima fans out there? Anybody? Anybody?

Anybody? Anybody? You know what? Actually, I was expecting more. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Okay, so you really were in that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the new one out now on Amazon? It is, yeah. That everyone criticizes deeply? Yeah. Have you read any of the reviews on that? I would not look at those. My self-esteem is already too low, so...

I love it. Yeah. I love it, Crumb. So, is that what you do for a living? Are you an actor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long have you been doing that for? Sorry, Danny.

That's New Zealand for I'm thinking. I did it since I was 18, but like made money. This is probably the only thing that I've made money from. Made money. I made money. I love it. Okay. How long have you been in America?

Like a week and a half. Okay. I came here to see what Austin Comedy is like. All right. How's it been going for you? People think I'm British. Right. And yeah, it's awesome.

I saw some amazing... Like I was here at the Thursday show and I was like, fuck. There's some good comedians here. Yeah. Your goddamn mother fucking right there is. So, Crumb, you act. You've been doing stand-up for how long? Like two and a half years.

Two and a half years. So, do you make all your money from acting? No. I also work at a comedy store in New Zealand on The Lights and Sound. It's called The Comedy Store? It's called the Classic Comedy Bar. Classic Comedy Bar. Classic Comedy Bar.

Wow. Look at you. Look at you. You know what? Somebody get this guy a fucking green card right now. I like it. I like that hard R. You know what I mean?

I've had to learn it because every time I fly United and I'm ordering like a Coke, I'm like, can I get a Coke, please? And they're like, what the fuck? What? And I go, can I get a Coke, please? And they're like, oh, yeah. Coke, of course. Yeah.

It sounded the same that one. Well, fuck. You just added please to it. Can I get a Coke? I don't know. It works. All right. Hans Kim, what do you think about this?

I don't know. You could order a cocaine and a United flight. Wow. Hans Kim, that was worse than his. Wow. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. I thought that Hans Hansel and Gretel joke was going to be the worst of the night until

I let Hans jump in. Oh my goodness. Gracious. Hans, give me your Rolex right now. I'm taking it. Now I'm kidding. What do you do for fun, crumb? I sing.

Shut the fuck up. What the fuck do you sing? I don't know. Frank Sinatra? Really? Sing us some Frank Sinatra right now. Which Frank Sinatra song? Name a song.

Fly me to the moon. You guys got this? A one, a two. A one, two, three, four. That was your cue. Let them see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand. In other words, darling kiss me.

Fill my heart with song. I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you right there. That was great. That was great. I noticed that when you sing, you sing American as well. Yeah, otherwise they can't understand me. Maybe you should talk like Frank Sinatra then.

That should be your voice. I have no idea what he sounds like in a normal speaking voice. Sing somewhere, Kelly. Yeah. You want to impress me saying somewhere, Kelly? I have no idea what you're saying. I'm so sorry. What the fuck did he just say, David?

What the fuck did that piece of shit just say, David? Seriously, I don't know if I heard that correctly. What did you just fucking say? Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. Here you go. Once I get you out of the club, private. Just make it up. Come here, let's head, head, head.

Am I speaking it right? Am I saying it right? Yeah. Give me that two, two. Give me that beep, beep. Give me that. Do I piss on them now? Bounce their nose with them.

All right, all right, all right, all right. Very good. Okay. It was okay. It was, sorry, I'm so sorry. I've disrespected your culture. I'm so sorry. I'm going in a week.

David liked it. You said hot and fresh out the kitchen. I saw him get hot as a rock over here. Yeah. Stupid. Or fresh out the closet for you. Crump. Boo boo.

Give me that pee pee. You got it. Crump, before I let you go, because you're so interesting, you're from the other fucking side of Planet Earth. Tell me one more crazy thing about you or your life. One interesting thing that makes you think that you're different than everybody else. Maybe it's something embarrassing.

Maybe it's something cool. I can put both my legs over my head. Get the fuck out of here. This guy's a champ. This is a godsend. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I think that makes me gayer than you, Tony. I don't know what's harder, that or me. That's incredible, Crump. Thank you. Crump, you came all the way from the other side of the world. I'd like to present to you a large kill Tony joke book. Very, very entertaining. That's the type of magic that happens.

He came all the way from New Zealand to Austin, Texas to see what comedy is like here. Look at that. Pulled out of a bucket. Let's keep the fun train moving along. Tony, I thought you was going to give him a golden ticket for putting his legs behind his head. Oh my God.

This guy's got to go jerk off real quick. Look at this guy. Your next comedian goes by the name of Thomas Leon, everybody. Here we go. We're rolling along smoothly tonight. With three of the regulars. They're all on tour. Hans Kim, David Lucas, and William Montgomery.

This is the kill Tony debut of Thomas Leon. That last guy was great. I wanted to have sex with him. Sorry, I am a sex addict. Anyone else? Are you guys Christians? Makes a noise for Jesus? And that makes a noise for sex?

That's what I thought. What? There's a Jew back there. I read recently on Instagram that sexual energy is healing energy. And I was like, thank God. I didn't give you herpes. I taught you boundaries. You guys don't have herpes? You are busy, aren't you?

Yeah, I am adopted. That probably explains some things. And being adopted is a lot like getting picked for PE and middle school. You're just standing there like, I hope I'm next. The crippled kid's going? Okay. That's my time already? Alright, I'm done. I'm Thomas. Thank you. Very sad ending there, Thomas Leon.

Is that my time? I'm happy about it. I'm happy. Alright, Thomas, welcome to the show. This is your first time on. I saw the top half of a centaur on this show before. I'm here. Very, very interesting set. How long have you been a cult leader for? I'm actually taking applications out back.

I bet. Mostly out back is what I'm guessing indeed. Out back and in back, Thomas. Where are you from? I came up in Nashville. Okay. And now you live here? I don't. I'm from here actually. I came up here and moved to Nashville to start a comedy. And I'm back because my grandpa died.

Okay. When did your grandpa die? About a week ago. Grandpa died. About a week ago. About a week ago. I don't get it. Oh man, I wish Red Band knew real rap references. It would take them six minutes to find that on Spotify.

It's called Hot Nigga by Bobby Schmurna. Yeah. Bobby Schmurna's in prison. I do believe the U is an asterisk in Schmurna, by the way. Something like that. Okay. Thomas Leon, let's talk about it. How did your grandpa die? He was just old. He was diabetic and like kept eating sugar. Oh, wow. Jesus.

Should have tried having sex with him. He kept saying no. Hans Kim, what designer drug did you take before coming on the show tonight? You want Molly right now? He said sex is healing energy. He should have healed his grandpa. Oh, there you go. There you go. I get it. I get it.

I love this. Thomas Leon, the haircut of a girl making the walk of shame. You ever see that? He looked like Kenny G. Yeah, that's hack at this point. Kenny G. A. Y. That's not hack. You see that?

Add a little fucking juice to that. Someone said I look like a gay Tarzan the other day. I was like, yeah, that's true. If you swang from dick to dick. See what I mean? You got to add stuff. It's the magic. It's all about what words you say. Yeah. So you were adopted.

Yeah. What age did you get adopted at? I was 13. Whoa! That's pretty fucking deep. I mean, five more years you're an adult. I know, yeah. So how was that? Were you in foster care until 13? No, my stepdad was just like, we're done.

So I just started living in the new family. He broke up with you? Yeah. I saw my bags on the street and I was like, all right, this is the end of... Wow, what happened there? What did you do? Did you misbehave? Yeah, I was a bad, bad boy. Really?

I don't know. He was just a bad dude. And I realized that if I ran outside while he was trying to hit us, that I was safe. Oh, he would hit you? Oh, that's sad. Did he pull your hair a lot? Only if I was good. Oh, okay. Very good. I see what you did there.

Look at the crows. We all never had stepdads. What's going on? Thomas, what do you do for work? I just do programming stuff. It's really awful. I just make money doing software stuff. Okay. I'm trying to do comedy like full-time though. I like that. How's that going for you? It's hard.

Comedy? Oh, good. I have a video gear, so I'm like recording for a guy and so he takes me on the road. Okay. And so I'm getting in front of people and that's way better than an open mic. You're goddamn right. It's important to do both though. It's important to see where you stand, but it's all good.

Yeah, I'm banned from like half the mics in Nashville. Why would you be banned from half the mics in Nashville? I was in a fist fight with a faggot. Can I say that? No. He's not gay. He's not gay. You can't. I can't. You faggot.

But you can't. I can't and you can't. That's how this show goes. I'm down for that. That's cool. Anyway, I'm problematic. Was he actually gay? No, he tried to cancel me. He told me I was a bad person and told no one to book me out of mic and so the next mic I like

just hit him. Wow. Did you sucker punch him? No, no, no. There was dialogue and then the fight. What was the last thing you said before you punched him? Take that. Wow. I'm just kidding. I didn't say that.

Wow. I didn't realize you were in a Batman comic book from the 80s. Pow! I'm kidding. I didn't. I don't know. I said stop fucking with me and he said, that's my trigger word. Oh, yeah. No one likes you. You're like, fuck you, stepdad.

The guy's like, he punched me and then he said, I'm never coming home again. Wow. Something like that. Thomas, what's your love life actually like? I believe that you're a sex addict. Do you give off the vibes of a sex addict? No, I don't give the vibes off because I'm not good at closing

so it's like if there's a connection I'm always like, but I am. I need love Tony. I need to feel connection. Right. So tell us about the last time. When was the last time you had sex with somebody? I got my dick sucked about a week ago.

About about a week ago. You got to load it. Oh, Bobby Schmurda. No, it's not. No, no. Orphan music isn't going to save you on this one. Look up on this one. It'll be worth it. Trust me.

In fact, this should be a thing that you have in the in the no, but not about a week ago. Look up Bobby S H. There it is. There it is. That's it right there.

Now you're going to have to go to like, I think like 47 seconds or something. No, it's too soon. Look for it during the thing. David knows. All right. So what are we saying? Oh, it was about a week ago.

So you find out your grandfather dies and you just rape somebody immediately, right? No, no. I mean, she she wanted it more than I did. I knew it was bad. Where'd you meet this girl at? I don't want to say. No, that's why this is a comedy show.

That's why I'm a sex addict, Tony. All right. Very good. So you were staying at a boutique hotel around the corner here somewhere. No. No, no, no. There's a there's a lady that runs a a float tank in Nashville.

Get the fuck out of here, dude. Honestly, I can I've done a float tank like four times every time I can do the full hour. I got my dick sucked this one time and I was like five minutes. I was like, I feel terrible. I am thinking out of this place. I just felt guilty. I felt you're looking up with girls in the float tank.

Not multiple. Just the lady that works there. Okay. All right. Well, Thomas, very it's not good, Tony. I'm looking over. Red Band is looking up the lyrics for the song. Hot and word by Bobby Schmurda here.

We see it made it through. Where's it at? Yeah, I guess it really doesn't say it in the actual. Oh, there it is. Well, no. No, that's not it either. That's why I didn't pull it up. Huh? Shut the fuck up.

You're not. Yeah, I know what you want to come down here and get beat up by a gay guy. Yeah. I will fuck you up. Take that. Yeah. Here it comes. I'm going to punch you now. Is it okay if I hit you?

Yeah. Thomas, welcome to the show. Congratulations. Sorry about your grandpa, but you got on a big. What? I'll take it, whatever. You don't think it. You should. What the fuck?

No, you're not. Give me a tiny. Give me a tiny. I'll take it. There it is. Thomas Leon, everybody. Yeah. I was going to give him a big joke book there for a second, but then I called his stepdad.

He said, give him the small one. All right. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun yet? Wow. All right. Everything's stopped. Stop for a second. This is an emergency situation. We're going to give this guy a spot no matter what yet the bucket of

destiny has has played its hand once again. This guy was on this show for his very first time ever last week and he did the absolute unthinkable. Remind you that we've done this live show

in front of a live audience hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times and are coming up on our 10 year anniversary. Meanwhile, nobody ever, ever on this show has had an unbelievably killer set and a killer interview without ever saying a word.

Zero words were said in the 60 second set. One word was said in the interview. I do believe it was good or something like that. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for an instant kill Tony legend.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the second set ever by Michael Malamud. Holy shit. Let's do words this time. Let's do words. I'm for real, dude. I got a

I had two gay dreams about I'm straight as an olive branch but I had two gay dreams about they were both about my best friend. That guy's the coolest.

Who else? Who else would I choose to experiment with in my dreams? I'm just, I'm not even going to look at them until the fucking thing, you know? This is I just got to wait it out, man.

It's coming. Oh, it is coming. There it is, Michael Malamud with his second set ever. Very interesting. Words this time, I wasn't expecting that. I have to be honest with you. I thought you were just going to ride the wave and see how long it could go.

Honestly, better without words. Better without? I don't think you need them. I was going to give any advice. I would say work out that thing. And I even noticed when you hit some quiet pauses like the laughter started and you sort of jumped on it

with this whole I want to do jokes like everybody else thing that you did tonight. You're fucking right, man. I think you play a different instrument though. I think your specialty is silence. It's unbelievable the strength of your silence like right now the way you're looking at me is hilarious.

It's unbelievable. Everybody agrees. I don't even have to do jokes. All I have to say is that's funny. Because it is. Why do you think your silence is so powerful and funny? Cultivation, dude. Alright. Cultivation.

Yeah. Okay. Practice. Okay. Alright. Now, Michael, we're talking now. Tell us more about you. Anything about you. Where are you from? Brooklyn. Brooklyn. How long have you been in Austin? Two years.

But before that, I lived here for three years. I was doing comedy here for three years. You started here? Basically. Okay. No. So, you started here and then you moved to Brooklyn. And you did it there for how? No, no, no.

I'm from Brooklyn. I moved around a lot. Gotcha. Yeah. That's what salamanders do. Alright. So, where else did you live? Chicago. Okay. What'd you do in Chicago? Just had a girlfriend.

Alright. Okay. Was she real? Dude, you know, I'm actually not entirely sure. What do you do for a living, Michael? What is a guy that looks like you

do for a living, exactly? Other than work at a head shop or grow marijuana? I actually talked to me after the show, y'all. I actually did uh

I lost my main job like a couple weeks ago. Wow. I was answering phones for a plumbing company. For a plumbing company? Yep. Wow. Yep. Okay. You seem like you'd be good at that. You know what? Let's give it a little test. I'm going to call you over at the phone company

and let's see how this goes. Alright? Okay. Thank you for calling plumbing and air conditioning. This is Michael. How can I help you? Hey, Michael. I can't believe that the place is called plumbing and air conditioning.

Seems pretty basic and generic, but I'm guessing this is a real business. I have a real plumbing problem. Well, I'm so sorry for that, but thank you so much for calling in. Oh, okay. Alright. Yeah, I have a real problem.

My pipes are all clogged if you know what I mean, Michael. And I need someone to come out here and unclog my pipes. Oh, hey, red band. Get the fartboard out of there. That's enough.

It's not my butt. It's clogged with what? Sounds terrible. It is terrible. Everything's backed up. I can't figure out what to do. I need help. Can you help me? I'm sure we can help you with that.

Okay. And where do you live? I don't know if I feel safe giving you my address right away. You haven't asked me any questions about the problem or anything like that. Okay. And the name of this place is

plumbing and air conditioning. And the first thing you do is ask for my address. I'm so sorry, sir. Alright. I live at 44 San Jacinto. 44 San Jacinto. And is that in the zip code

77778? Yes, it is. It actually is. You must have Google or something over there. We sure do, sir. We have GPS location services. So what about these pipes, dude?

Oh, I wouldn't know anything about pipes, but I'd be happy to have a licensed service technician over to your home. I love it. Thank you. Let's do it. Come over. Let's fuck. Alright. There you go. I hang up the phone. That's it. Alright.

So Michael, let's talk about it here because we found out that you had a girlfriend at one point. What's someone like you? What's like a romantic thing that you do when you're in a relationship with a girl? I'm interested to know. Oh, man. You ever put like rose petals on them? No, I'm amazing.

I'll like... I'm an amazing boyfriend. No, I am. I am. Women don't deserve me. No, I'm serious. I will like take inside jokes that they like and make a custom shirt

out of it. That actually is kind of cute. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love it. Like, what's an inside joke shirt that you've made before? Oh, man. Okay. Oh, you do this a lot. No, no, no. This is gonna be

super painful for them. This is bad. That's good. But, you know, we would... Do the n-word right now. What's going on? No, no. I saved that for open mics. I, um... was

talking... We used to go on dates together, like you do. And, you know, she used to say that I was part of the clean plate club, right? When we... When I would finish everything on my plate. You would always finish your plate.

Oh, unreal. That's something I... I already knew that about you, actually. Yeah. I have you picked. I have the word tapeworm written here right next to your name. Yeah. Got it. And anyway, I just made her a shirt saying that she was the president

of the CCP, the Clean Plate Club. C-P-P, yeah. C-P-C. Okay. The Clean Plate Club. That would be C-P-C. Mm-hmm. Yep. All right. I'm wearing a shirt from her mom. She's my ex now, though.

Okay. That's sort of sad that you're still wearing stuff that her mom got you. Yeah, same last week. I don't buy clothes. Why did you guys break up? Uh... Just like a mutual, you know, regular break up. Let me ask you this. Does the carpet match the drapes? I'd imagine your penis is completely

covered by pubic hair. Below and above just pubes everywhere in a very, very tiny penis in the middle of it. Uh... Am I close to right on this? This is the only show anywhere where you find out what the person's

penis looks like. You're right. It just tons of pubes, right? Oh, yeah. Because why would you trim down there if the top looks like that, right? Very predictable, yeah. Absolutely. No doubt about it. If your penis knows, you have a ton of pubic hair.

Last week, in the middle of all that that was happening, I hope it got in the cup, but D-Madness yelled something like, I don't even know what's happening! Because I was just silent. Right. Yeah, that's true. Sorry about that, man.

Don't worry about it, actually. You should have done that again. Maybe. It was impossible to do what you did last week this week. Let there be no question, you made the right move, but what I love about what we've learned about you this week is that you can take jokes really well,

like that, the way you roll with it, smile with it, laugh. It's, I think you're built for stand-up comedy, Michael Malamud. Let there be no question. Thank you. Please, what's the longest set you've ever done? Like 12.

12 minutes. Red Band? Would you like to open up the secret show Thursday? Whoa, look at that! You already got one of these, right? Yep. There he goes. Michael Malamud, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. On to the next one we go. Back to the bucket.

You guys want to pick one? You want to pick one? Hans Kim, digging into the bucket. We got Brian Swinehart. Oh, Brian Swinehart. I know this guy. Actually, started stand-up comedy with him.

16 years ago. 15 years and 10 months ago. Here he is, Brian Swinehart, everybody. One more time, make some noise for my friend, Brian Swinehart. Hey. Hey, man.

Well, man, I'm happy that the world's back and we're all together enjoying laughs and living our lives. During the pandemic, did any of you guys follow the CDC guidelines? Fuck no. Fuck no, did you? No. The CDC stands for

communist dickhead cocksuckers. And I didn't take the vaccine. Not because I think my body's a temple and I'm afraid to put anything in it. In my life, I've done alcohol, weed, coke, speed, acid, DMT, ecstasy, mushrooms, ayahuasca,

and a fat chick named Stephanie. That was an addicting drug. Hard to kick that habit out of bed. But I trust all of those drug dealers more than Fauci. Fuck Fauci. Fauci, stone cold pathological liar. First he came on television,

told us, oh, you'll be safe, no mask. Two weeks later, mask, you're dead. Virus comes out, you say, hey, two masks, right? Fauci was lying to us so much and people were obeying so much people were obeying so much. Fauci could have come on there and lied about anything

and people would have done it. Keep going, keep going, I want to hear the answer. Fauci could, this is my last one, sorry. Fauci could have come on and said, take your finger, shove it up your ass, hold it there three seconds, rotate it, pull it out, put it in your mouth. If you can't smell or taste it,

you got COVID. Hell yeah. You got it, one minute, 35 seconds of Brian Swinehart. We gave him a little extension since I've known you for a while there. Thank you Tony, appreciate it. Brian Swinehart, now this is very interesting

because again, another history in the making. This is the first time I've ever pulled anybody out of the bucket that I started stand-up comedy with. You and I used to wait in lines at fucking smoothie joints and during the daytime in Los Angeles to go perform on a stage

basically, basically in front of each other. There was like 15 of us that there was nobody in the audience. We couldn't sell a ticket. Nobody knew who any of us were. It's still the same story for you. I still can't sell tickets, that's right. That's why I'm here tonight.

I'm not going to deny that. A lot of people like Fauci, I guess, I don't know. Nobody likes that cocksucker. Fuck Fauci. That's okay. Alright, somebody got triple vaccinated over here, you know what I mean? Somebody's got a dick that doesn't work anymore.

I didn't get no vaccine, Tony. Very good. I like that you didn't get vaccinated. I like that for you, Brian. How did you know at the time not to trust that guy? I know why I had my initial things. Because I have AIDS.

No, I'm kidding. I don't have AIDS. I know it's a believable joke. Barely anybody laughed at that because they're like, oh, he does. It's just HIV right now. That's true. I'm actually,

I don't have HIV, but I am in the clean plate club. CPC. Not to be confused with the CDC, which you did jokes about. When you first said that, I'm like, what was he in? The clean date club? Alright, so Swineheart,

it's been years. Tell us what you've been up to in life. Tell us about your story. Where do you think you and I went different directions? Well, I mean... Because it is interesting, right? We were in the same place, the same everything.

I've been just going along. There for a while I was working a lot as a stand-in on sets and stuff and that started taking me in a different route. You were a stand-in. Who were you a stand-in for? Any big celebrities? I did it for McConaughey. So you're his height

and like width? He's a lot more buff than I am. And then on Fast and Furious 7 after... I was his stand-in in Dallas Buyers Club. Oh, I believe that. I believe that. See that? That's comedy right there. It's an instant callback. Aids, back, boom. Not like the other guy.

It's like, I'm gonna punch you. You never see a comment. Alright, go ahead. I love it. Fast and Furious 7 after Paul Walker passed the dead for his brothers. Oh, shit. Oh, slow down. Yeah, that's depressing.

So wait a second. So Paul Walker dies his brothers stand-in and you're the stand-in for the stand-in. Yeah, exactly. Wow, that's incredible. William famously hates Paul Walker. Oh, I know that bit. Oh, please not now.

Paul Walker more like Paul Craster. Seriously, I respect you a lot less after knowing you stood in for that fucking piece of shit. God! I shouldn't have brought that up. I forgot about that. Yeah, you shouldn't have. Paul Walker a big trigger word

for William. Don't bring him up again. What else have you been up to, Brian? Where do you live? Well, I'm in Ohio right now after the shit got fucking crazy with fucking stupid-ass Gavin Newsom.

Yup. Took everybody's freedom. I say, I'm going back home to Ohio. I mean, it kind of sucked grinding out all those years going for a goal. But I'm like, dude, no mask where I live in Ohio, no stupid bullshit. LA, I'm walking down to my dog down the street.

People are yelling at me, put on your mask. No, fuck it, I'm out of here. My dog's like, let's go. I love that. You have a talking dog. Yeah, exactly. Well, I've done some drugs. So yeah, he talks. I love it, Swineheart. Absolutely incredible.

And tell us more about your own life. What do you like to do for fun? What are some hobbies or something like that? Well, this is a little crazy, but I'm 43 years old and I still wrestle. Once a year, I do a wrestling tournament. Wow. I started after.

I hadn't wrestled for 20 years and then I came back in 2019. I hurt my fingers boat accident, lost my fingertips. Oh shit. It's disgusting. Yeah, I know. So wait a second.

Hold on, because this is gold. So wait, you're what? On a boat? Next to a boat? What's going on? No, I'm on a boat. How does this happen? Okay, I'm on a boat. Rope gets loose, comes flying back at me. I go to grab the rope. Fingers get stuck between them.

Yeah, hilarious, right? Oh my God. Fingers on your middle finger and your ring finger are gone. Oh my goodness, look at that. Little finger over there. Did you get a discount on gloves? Jesus Christ.

What did Hans write that for you? He just texted it to me. Thanks, Hans. Thanks a lot. I knew it wasn't going to work. Holy shit. So you lost your fingers in a boating accident. Okay, so let me ask you this. Where's the boat? How far from the hospital are you?

Oh man, we were far, dude. I felt like we were far. I kind of fainted a little bit. Came back, you know, I was far. I was crazy. Oh, fuck. Yeah, man. So my wrestling coach from back in high school, I called him. I was all kind of being a little bitch about it.

And he said, you got to start wrestling again. So I started wrestling again because of that. I don't know if you know this. David Lucas, state qualifying wrestler. Oh, no shit. Tony Hinchcliffe, Youngstown Ohio wrestler. That was a really big deal. And a fun fact for those of you

that don't know David Lucas once decided to talk shit for many weeks in a row about out of nowhere for no reason. I was just sitting there being a good boy in the green room and he keeps on Tony. If we wrestled, I'd beat the shit out of you. I kept saying no, you wouldn't. And he's like, I'm a state qualifier from Georgia

and I go, you have a Georgia in Ohio or two different levels. He's like, motherfucker, I have a 200 pound weight advantage on you. And then Joe Rogan. I was fine. Everything was fine. And then Joe Rogan goes, Tony, you're fucking crazy.

David Lucas would smash you in wrestling. I go, let's fucking go. Right fucking now. And a fun fact after a stand up show, after everybody had left with only the staff here at Vulcan to witness it on this very stage. I fucking beat the shit out of David Lucas.

No, no, no. It's embarrassing. It was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. The whole story. The only thing I could have done to have Rogan respect me more, I did. You know Tony.

The whole story started off upstairs. Tony said, I'm a better athlete than you. I said, nigga, I'm just fat. You're not a better athlete than me. So first of all, we started with a push-up competition upstairs. And then I was. I won that too. No, I don't think we both did. I think 15.

That wasn't the max. You did 14. And just to show you that I could do more. I did 15. Because you also said you could do more push-ups than me, which is fucking crazy. And then we were drinking all night. This is like 130 in the morning.

And we had gourmet dumplings from Lynn, one of the best restaurants in town. So my blood pressure was high. I had all that sodium in my body. My blood pressure was high. And I swear to God, I swear to God I ate more dumplings than you did that night. People wouldn't believe, but I got that

Michael Malamud fucking clean plate committee. I don't, I don't, I know he said he won. Rogan said he won. I don't really remember, but all I do know is. I peed the shit out of you. All I know is. He tried to lay on top of me at one point and I slowly

wiggled around. All I know is somebody said they went into the green room 30 minutes later Tony was still recovering. Dude, I swear to God the you are right. The catch with that was is I got all the way home showered laid down

in bed and still my heart was like digga digga digga digga digga digga that shit was impossible. I almost threw up right over there. You know Tony, I actually snuck in and I filmed that whole thing if you want to put it right. No, you did not. He does. He has a video from up on the mountain. I've seen it, but it doesn't

really see it. It doesn't really tell this story. It tells the story of me in your ass. Let's see it. Wait, do you think the video makes it look like you on? Right here. Alright, let's watch the video right now. Put on a projector. Yeah.

Tony, sweep, sweep. All dead. Oh my God. You quit. So I'm glad you brought up wrestling swine. David and I had a battle of the Titans. We're going to do a real one. We're going to

Rogan's got it. Yeah, Rogan's got mats in the gym and we're going to fucking film it and do it for real because I was wearing cowboy boots. So I had to take them off. So not only did I beat them in wrestling, I beat them in wrestling with socks on, which when you're going up against two hundred pound weight

advantage is fucking impossible and I still did it. Your leader Tony. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you haters in the balcony. You should have known better, David. Tony has been wrestling with the sexuality for years. There you go.

Hans. You waited till now to do a joke like that. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time? I've known him 15 years. He had the courage to sign up. He came up. He did the damn thing. Take one.

Take one of these, Brian. I'm going to give you some. What's that? You need a beer koozie. It says fuck Bill Gates. Thank you so much. Even trade. Fuck Bill Gates. I love it. I love it. At some point at some point over the years

Brian became like a fucking What do they call those people? Oh, a prepper. Fuck Fauci. Fuck Bill Gates. You guys still having fun out there, huh? All right. This doesn't look like a real thing, but I'm going to try

it anyway. Make some noise for cell phone, everybody. Let's see what happens here. It's got to be real. We got people checking this shit now. Cell phone. This should be wild, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for cell phone, everybody. Kill Tony. Motherfucking kill Tony. Thank you all so much for this. This is amazing. Look at me. Didn't think I'd make it. I kind of look like a cholo

that got kidnapped and had to fuck my way out of a clown car. But it was actually a trans am and now trans I am. I celebrate Pride Month, you know, and I'm a trans fan of color and I wouldn't be here

had it not been for the work of Marcia B. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. Of course, what I'm most proud of is my lack of gag reflex. So on a trip to Cuba, a Russian man told me that I look like I had no childhood

visible. This is coming from a guy who survived the collapse of the USSR. He looked at me and said, this bitch has it worse than fucking Chernobyl. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Cheers, cheers. Cell phone.

Am I saying that right? Cell phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cell phone. Wow, it must not be getting any service right now, huh? I don't know. Woo. Cell phone. Oh my goodness. Gracious cell phone.

You look like everything. I know. It's a joke I've never had to gotten a chance to make before. You look like fucking everything, everything, everything. It's true. You would think that I'm like the epitome of everything that goes against this fine establishment.

I'm a vegan. A Bloom Tramp. Right. A they them. A what? A they them her. What do you think about Fauci? Hell yeah. I would proved to him, I have no gag reflex. Wow.

One in the Fauci, two in the Alchi. You know what I'm saying? Wow. Now is this true about the gag reflex thing? That you're being honest, zero gag reflex? No, not with the microphone. Yoni, do we have anything that we could test this out on?

You got a banana or something? Do we have a banana? No, no. No, we're not going to use the gun, you homo. Jesus, this guy. Use the gun. Let's get him on stage. No, we can't use the glass bottle, right?

What do we got? We got anything behind the bar? Honest, pull your pants down. No, none of us. No, none of us have a gag reflex for Hans's dick. That is not how you measure for a gag reflex. Wow, can take a full quarter of an inch. Now, is that glass?

I don't think we should do class. If she fucking... I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. No way. Is a Red Bull can better? If this glass breaks in your throat, we have no Golden Pony Productions or Squad LLC. We claim no, you understand that you cannot...

This is literally a tragic accident. Wait, what the fuck is that? This is what I trained on, actually. Oh, my God. Oh, wait, that's... This is the greatest podcast on planet Earth. Is that a camera? Ladies and gentlemen,

cell phone everybody. Wow. Oh, my God. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Thank you, thank you, yeah. I'll sign it. Stop, stop. Stop.

There's people throwing up in the audience right now. This is... Whoo. Oh, I feel like I'm in LA all over again. This is incredible. Holy shit, cell phone. You are the real fucking deal. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I feel like you're probably a mix of everything that we've already seen tonight. You probably also got adopted at the age of 13. You... hate Chick-fil-A. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Clean Play Club, for sure, I got it, yeah. Sure. Sex addict. Check. Check your grinder. And my guess is you've probably had an accident where you lost your fingertips at some point as well.

Just kidding. So cell phone, let's talk about it. Tell us about your life, because we want to know for sure. Let's see, let's see. Where does it all begin? Born in... I came out of my mom's vagina in LA.

Wow. I've been in my penis for a second. Born in LA. I had been in the Bay Area for 13 years, and I am traveling North America right now on a vegan pop-up tour. A vegan pop-up tour.

Wow. So how does a vegan pop-up tour work? What is that? Like I set up food around all over, so... Food. So you like make food? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. What kind of food are we talking about? Vegan for sure, but what's your specialty? I have made my own cheeses. I started looking at vegan cheeses. Sounds delicious right now. I'm sure everybody would love to try your gag cheese.

The special fermenting process. You need a lot of skills. I love it. So yeah, I also do Mexican kind of food. Right. Okay. Fucking awesome. And what else?

What do you do for a living? You do that? That's what I'm doing right now. I used to own a bunch of different... I had a food truck and a restaurant in my clothes when I opened another restaurant. I just got to say, it's incredible. You seem like you would be here to protest this show. I love you so much.

Tony Hingecliffe is like the shit. He supports comedians. He supports Black people. He supports Asian people the most. I even support whatever the fuck you are. Exactly, yeah. That's pretty much...

Tony Hingecliffe is the best transman that has ever existed. Thank you. Honorary transman. Transman! I love it. My pussy is so wet right now. So, cell phone.

Very, very interesting. You still talk with your parents? I talk with my mom, yeah. Okay. Alright. But yeah, my therapist actually told me that I grew up in a loved deprived household. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, that's...

That makes sense. You know, look at me, I'm trying to get as much love as I can, obviously. So, that's why I changed my name to the thing you love the most and can't live without. Cell phone. Very, very interesting. Now, you really changed your name to that full time. That's just the name I...

Yeah, I've changed my name in the past. But yeah, that's just the name I... Okay. Now, let's take an adventure here and talk about your... because I do it with everybody. Let's talk about your sex life for a second, cell phone. Because I can't even picture what it would take

to make someone like you satisfied in the bedroom. Can you describe to us what you're into? Mostly... William Montgomery's parents. Oh! I imagine that mostly. So, you like real wholesome people. Yeah, just...

And you just want to come in and wreck their lives. That's why I'm here. I love it. So, you mostly... William, first of all, what do you think about cell phone wanting to fuck your parents? I'm actually into that. Um... Seriously, I'm not even gonna lie.

On Saturday, I was honestly a little turned on when you were... But no, I mean, if we really could make this work out, would you really be down? Would you really... Yeah, let's do it. Okay. Let's do it on live, right now. Okay. We're in the process. We have

sent the jet to Memphis, Tennessee. We are picking up the Montgomery's joint back in two hours. Okay. So, you really like wholesome adults. I could sort of see how that makes sense. I like...

You know, I'm into whomever, but I usually date, like, femme people. Femme people. Yeah. And describe to us what that means. I've lived in Texas now two years. I don't even know exactly. Femme people is feminine. Yeah, like the opposite of masculine, you know.

But it's men. Feminine men? No, just people with whatever didn't take it. Anything feminine. Yeah. Okay. There you go. Yeah. One billy goat in the back. The pussies! The fuck you talking about?

What do you mean? Pussies are not pussies. Fucking idiots here. Fucking this guy made the long drive from Bastrop to be here tonight. What do you mean, pussies? Jesus Christ, sir. God.

It's the governor of Texas, Gray Gabbits here, everybody. Sitting in the back of the room. All right. So cell phone. I just can't get enough of this. I mean, tell us something else. What are some hobbies of yours? What do you do for fun? You're so much more

interesting than these boring straight people. Right? I like, like, voice work. You do impressions? Um, I just, I like, just to come up with, like, new voices. Okay. What else other than voice work? Uh, I could do, um,

ooh, let's see. Uh, I'd do... Like, what do you do for fun? Other than the vegan pop-ups, there must be something. Roller derby? No. Yeah. Roller skating at skate parks. Yeah, I'm usually, like, the only...

Manager at Trader Joe's. Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah. Only the vegan section, you guys. Oh. Trader James. So, did you start the vegan food work after you got fired

from Netflix for protesting Dave Chappelle? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Dave Chappelle's a big hero, guys. Oh, okay. I love your fucking attitude. I don't understand. I guess what I really want to talk about is, like, that is that why do you think it is

that so many people um, like you, don't like Chappelle, don't like shows like this, don't like dirty things and people saying, well, you know, like, crazy stuff and joking about anything and everything. Why do you think that is? You hang out

obviously with these types of people all the time. You're vegan, you're they-them, you're this, you're that, you're everything. Right, right. Uh, I don't know. Some people just can't take a joke. I don't know. I feel like if you, if you want to be whoever you are, you got to let other people be whoever the fuck they want to be.

Yeah. I love it. Uh, I don't know. Cell phone. It's weird calling you cell. The weirdest thing is calling you cell phone. Because now I feel like that's your name. It's just casual. Like, cell phone, I got to tell you.

But I absolutely love that you signed up for this show, that you came up here with an open mind and open dialogue and an amazing interview. So intriguing. I love your attitude. Sign up again anytime you want.

Thank you Austin. Appreciate y'all. Cell phone. Cell phone. Catch this. Yeah. Yeah. David Lucas is going to pick out of the bucket. We might have time

for one more. Should we do one more? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to try to pick a girl. I'm good at that. It's going to try to pick a girl. If it's a guy, pick another one and say sorry first name. Sorry. Uh, Nikolai, sorry.

Sorry to Nikolai. Sorry, Matt. Yeah, try to grab a bunch. He's already out of breath from picking names. Is that a girl? Is that? Yeah. Say it. Yeah, Sandrell Ross.

Oh yeah, we know Sandrell. Yeah. Alright, Sandrell. Here she comes, everybody. She's been on this show before. Very funny. Here she is. I have frequent sex with a minor. Reti, minority.

Okay. It's my husband. He's black. He's really black. But I love my tall glass of Coca-Cola. Because he can't be a tall glass of water. Because he's black. But I'm thirsty though.

Yes, I love him. I love him. I'm going to rape him tonight. Uh, Why he sleep, okay? It's okay because, you know, he gets hard. Morning wood is actually night wood, okay? So I look at that like you think I'm going to waste this? No. One of us is awake.

One of us is awake. It's going down. Or up. Up and down, up and down, up and down. I sang him lullabies. So he can go to sleep. All right, y'all. That's my time. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sandrell Ross. Welcome back, Sandrell. Hey, Tony. We've had you on before. You had a great set. You said your boyfriend did comedy. We had him on. He had a great set. He did the Thursday show. You did the Thursday show.

And out of all that, then he ended up opening up for Joe Rogan at one point out of all that, right? Yeah, he did. Incredible. And how long have you been doing stand-up? Consistently or inconsistently, eight years. I've been an entertainer for 12.

What were the first four years? Huh? What kind of... Poetry and acting. Oh, okay. But you thought I was a stripper? No, I had no idea. Did you say baby? Huh?

I was talking to you, Tony. Coming to the stage, Aunt Jemima, everybody. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, whatever makes the money. Goddamn right. That's what I always say. I love it. So what do you do for work now?

I'm doing this now full-time. Stand-up comedian, full-time. Look at you, living the dream. I love it. I'm trying. How's it going for you? Not good. This is my time stalking my husband, so... Right, absolutely. Keeping an eye on him, because he's also a comedian.

Yeah, he's a comedian. You guys are both very, very funny. Do you guys ever, like, get into arguments about who's, like, funnier, like, work stuff? Yeah. He got mad at me one time because he felt like I stole his joke book, but I didn't steal it.

You know, it was laying around. So... Hell, yeah. Right? Finer's Keeper is the fuck. I love it. So you did some of his jokes? Well, it wasn't, like, you know, I mean, I switched them, so it can be, like, for me.

Right. Not word for word is what I'm saying. It was, like, put together some words, you know, scramble. It was, like, scramble, yeah. Yeah, you just mix it up. My girl, she's a short glass of Coca-Cola, something like that. Yeah, man.

Alright. You're a full-time comedian. So is your man. What do you guys do for fun? Um, fuck, um... How long have you two been together? Uh, we've been together. Shoot, how long have we been...

Um, he's here. 10 years? No, 11. 11 years. How do you keep things interesting? Seems like you're very sexually active still. How do you guys keep things interesting in the bedroom? We have a box.

Oh. Lord knows that'll do it. He, uh, he flows. Yeah. We make music together, you know? I love it. I love it. Can you really beatbox a little bit?

Yeah. Can you beatbox for us right now? Sure. When you, when you, when you... when you... when you...

when you... when you... when you... when you... when you... when you... when you... Look.

Well, that's impressive. The Zeeland guys fly me to the moon. You know what I mean? That's a requirement for black school. When I went from a private school to a black school, I had to learn how to beatbox to continue going. Yeah, I had to. It's a requirement where you can come from black to white.

Wait, what did that white lady just say? She said you had to throw that private school in Denia. Yeah, I did. Oh my God. Oh, it's the lady from Florida. It's okay. All right. All right, I'm from Paris. It's okay.

I was embarrassed for a second. It just turns out a lady's visiting from Orlando. Everybody. I love it. Sandrell. Very, very interesting. So you guys are sexually active. What else? What else do you guys do for fun?

How do you keep your... You just recently moved to Austin from what? Detroit? No. Oh, Jesus. Now I'm the lady from Orlando. Hell, no. You guys just moved here from somewhere. No, we were... It was crazy.

We were in Chicago, and then we moved to New York, and right after we moved to New York, we were getting momentum, bucking the pandemic, and we came back to Texas. Gotcha. All right, that makes sense. It was Chicago that I had in my head that I got confused with Detroit.

But Detroit, yeah, it's kind of close. Easy. Totally. Great lakes. Yeah. They're all right there. Right on the Great Lakes. Yeah. All right. So now you live here. What do you guys love about Austin?

Austin's really beautiful. I didn't know it was so beautiful. It's really beautiful. It's crazy. Okay, you can clap for that. I didn't... Big lakes, big rivers. Yeah, you know, we're actually from Houston. Right. So we were raised in Houston.

H-Town, yeah. Sipping on some syrup is what Red Band has loaded up right now. Sip, sip. Very, very good Red Band. But yeah, so... Oh, I get it because I said Aunt Jemima. That's actually pretty funny.

Oh, okay. All right. I thought it was a syrup reference there. No, it's a Houston reference because you sip on syrup, and you listen to chapter-screw music because it's real slow. There you go. You know it. Wow. All right. Damn. Wow.

I feel like I just went to a black private school. She should tell you some Houston... She should tell you some Houston slang, like slabs, bopples. You know what I'm saying? Give us some more. What else is Houston slang? Houston slang? I mean, is it the words? What?

Oh, my God. Look at this fucking capital rioter speaking up. This fucking sunburn caveman over here. Oh, my God. Holy shit. You're from Houston? Oh, I don't even know what you're saying right now. Oh, my God.

What saloon do you drink at, sir? Jesus Christ. Sandrell. Absolutely so entertaining. Thank you so much. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you want to come. Whoa. You booked it.

You know what, though? I feel like... I feel like we should put a little ribbon on this thing the same way we did it last time. Why don't you bring up your man and have him do a minute, and then we'll all get out of here together? Why don't you introduce him?

It's only right. You guys have been together 11 years. Yeah. All right. Everybody, this guy, next guy coming up, he is so fucking fine, by the way. He's my tall class. He's my tall class of Coca-Cola. Give it up for the funny Mickey Housley!

Notice how the music changed. Um... Started playing real black songs. Cool. Let me ask y'all this. As a group, do y'all feel like domestic violence is wrong? Yeah. Okay. Never mind. I, uh...

I feel... I don't believe in domestic violence. I do believe in domestic disputes. I feel like you can learn a lot about yourself with domestic disputes. Like, fellas, you ever try to body slam your girl? And it didn't go as easy as you thought it would. And it didn't go as easy as you thought it would. Some of them are like, yes.

Like, you know, you need to shut the fuck up. You're going down. Like, ow, you've been working out. Damn. I found out that I needed, like, gang weight, because, like, I've been skinny all my life, right? Like, some of y'all are looking at me in the microphone stand. Like, which one's telling the jokes? It's me. Because when you're my size,

in certain clothes, you can't wear, like, muscle shirts, right? Because you got to have muscles to wear muscle shirts. And two, I get tired of pulling up the sleeve like it's a bra strap. Like, this right here. Uh... Damn it.

Yeah, I'm the gals. I thank y'all. Wow. Mickey Hauser. What up, Tony? Back on the show, unbelievable. Always absolutely fucking hilarious. A true, real, professional comedian. Thank you, man.

Absolutely incredible. Always killing. How's life going? Life is cool, man. Yeah, fucking. As she said... And she's the aggressive, you know what I'm saying? Like, most marriages, like, man, my wife ain't giving me pussy,

but she's... I'm the one holding out. Because she... She wants to get a baby, you know? Because it's like... Like, man, we can have babies, like, for a long time. A woman, like, the clock is ticking. So she's trying to... That's true. We know your type of people like to

show up late, you know what I'm saying? So... Never on time. Incredible. Incredible. What else has been going on, Mickey? Anything else? Yeah, man, we just been traveling, man,

and all that cool stuff. Just... Living life, man. Yeah, just regular, same old... I love it. You're a cool-blooded assassin. Thank you, man. Yeah, no doubt about it.

You guys deserve it. Real comedy spots. Out here doing it for a living. Make some noise for my friends. Mickey Hauser and Sandrell Ross, everybody. We did it again. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in, and it is truly fucking,

unfucking believable. It's absolutely incredible. Check it out at ryanjeebelt.com. And we also have local artists, the great Chris Rogers was drawing the entire time live, started with a clean slate, and during tonight's episode, he was able to come up with this...

painting. Wow, look at that. The great David Lucas. I do believe that's going to be for sale immediately following tonight's show, so whoever's the highest bidder gets a shot at that. Guys, how loud can this place get

for my fantastic guests? David Lucas, William Montgomery, and the great Hans Kim. The boys are working. They're doing it. All you have are your names or your websites, right?

Yeah, DavidLucasComedy.com. I'll be in Winnipeg in November. I'll let you boy. That's right. Hans Kim, you have some tour dates coming up? DJ Hans Kim, I'll be at the Improvs in California. Come check me out. When's that? November.

Very good. And William Montgomery traveling with me all around the country. And find me on cameo. Yes, William Montgomery is killing it on cameo. Find me on cameo. Get his cameos.

They're absolutely hilarious. Get your Kill Tony fan in your life, a great birthday or Christmas present or whatever the hell you want to celebrate, or just do it to make your loved one laugh. He's from William Montgomery. He's making vast sums of money on cameo right now.

Don't say that. No, I'm kidding. He's struggling. He really needs your cameo money. He can barely make rent. How loud can this place get for the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball Piano Better Whiskey? That's the great Michael Gonzalez

on the drums. Dave Shear on guitar. Max Frost on guitar. The great Paul Deamer on the horns. And how about one more time as loud as we can get it for the great

D-Madness on the bass, huh? Thank you to the amazing staff here at Vulcan and the great team that we work with all the time. We absolutely love them. Shout out to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka, and the Hotel Van Zandt where now you can use the promo code Kill Tony

30% on a Sunday or Monday night. The official Kill Tony after party starts right now. Live music coming at you in just a few minutes. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Love you guys! We'll do it again soon. Music playing

Music playing Music playing