KILL TONY - #580 - DERIC POSTON + EHSAN AHMAD

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

Deric Poston, Ehsan Ahmad, John Deas, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/10/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—Kimpton Hotel Van Zandt – Save on Sunday and Monday nights when you stay at Hotel Van Zandt using this link: CLICK HERE!

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Kill Tony HinchCliff. You guys are ready. I can already tell. You guys ready for this shit or what, huh? That's what I like to fucking hear.

This is a hot crowd. I can tell tonight's going to be a moneymaker. You guys ready for this shit? It's Brian Red Band, the king of podcasting and you're at Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs on planet Earth. National newsmakers this week, some girls got naked on a golf course in front of a high school golf team and they made national news. Former microphone cleaner Kaylee right there, right on the front page of fucking the New

York Post this week. Love it. National news and our most loyal sponsor, also deep Eddie Vodka, other local legends also keep the whole fucking thing afloat and I've got a hand for the band. Hi, you guys. Am I right? We're in the live music capital of the world. That's the great Daniel Watson joining us on drums tonight.

That's Paul Deemer there on the horns. Matt Mueling behind me on the electric guitar and this guy right here. That's D madness. Ladies and gentlemen live in the flesh. Unbelievable. We are in it this week. I'm very, very excited. But before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors

that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world. What I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional standup comedian and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. November 4th and 5th, New York, New York, December 9th and 10th. I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas, January 13th and 14th of 2023. I'm in Dallas, Texas and February 9th and 10th of 2023.

I'm in Houston, Texas tickets available at Tony Hinchcliffe.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now. Get tickets. While you still can. Hey, y'all. Another beautiful day here in Austin, Texas. I just got off a 10 hour flight from London and how do I recover from a 10 hour flight?

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I love liquid IV because it also comes in so many flavors. My favorite, grape or fruit punch, but they also come in lemon lime, pina colada, water melon, strawberry, passion fruit and more and it's so convenient also. You have one little packet that you could put in your pocket, in your suitcase. I have one at night, one in the morning. I love liquid IV. That's right. So grab your liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or get 15% off when you go to liquid

IV.com and use the code TONY at checkout. That's 15% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code TONY at liquidIV.com. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Well, ladies and gentlemen, every single week we have some of the funniest guests in the world on this show and this week is no different. These two guys have been guests before, both of them, elite comedy store veterans that moved here to Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world.

Austin residents, former comedy store employees, two of my favorite top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for your guests. Derek Poston and Asana Maad. See, this guy knows. He knows what's going on. This is the real deal. Absolutely.

Come here. How are you? Derek Poston and Asana Maad. They host their own hit monthly show here in Austin called the Solid Comedy Show. They have a hit podcast called Spoil the Beans. There's also the Dangerous Brown podcast, but I know them as two unbelievable stand up comedians that had the courage to leave Los Angeles at a time in which it was a very, very, very... What would the word be?

Violent? Yeah, sure. It's a tough decision to make to move to a completely different place when you've established yourself in one of the landmarks of entertainment and then there's you two courageous fucks out here and then flourishing. Derek now opens up in massive, massive venues all around the world with the great Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz texted me one evening.

He said, hey, you know any good fucking rising, coming up the ranks, gangster ass motherfuckers? I need one. And I said, I got one. Biggest assist of my life, right? With the Magic Johnson dime. With the AIDS. What'd you do? Like Radio City Music Hall or something like that?

Two shows. Two shows at radio. I haven't even done Radio City Music. I should have suggested myself. How about me? A sauna mod not allowed to get through TSA at many locations. Have you considered just throwing on a random ass cowboy hat for no reason? We love a sawn.

You guys have both been on this show before. You know how it works. Comedians get an uninterrupted 60 seconds. If I pull their name out of this bucket, you see a bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to get that. And then after their 60 seconds is up, I interview them about life, about anything. The entire thing's improvised. You know their 60 seconds uninterrupted is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear. And then I talk with them and we figure out more about them. And the whole thing is random. Nothing is planned. You guys ready for this? Or what? Wow.

Well, in that case. We will start the show with somebody who we all know and have come to love this guy. Of course, as you know, was living in a van one year and a few months ago. And since then he has a Rolex watch. He has been on private jets all around the world. The kid is working continuously. He can headline in any city that he wants at any given time because he's a fucking star now.

Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp. What's up, guys, good to be here. I recently drove to Oklahoma City to do a show there and I read all the billboards on the way up there. And now I think I'm a Republican. It's like driving through a Facebook comment section. Oh, there is my grandma's opinion.

I didn't realize billboards were white trash smoke signals. But good to be here with the whites. I love white people. Hey, shut the fuck up. You're cracka. I love white people. I can't wait till Asian people are considered white one day. I think we're a couple decades away.

We're right where Italian people were 50 years ago. Thank you. Hans Kemp coming in, showing how it's done. He's done this many times before. I think people get confused. You know what I mean? It is not easy at all to test out a new minute every single week of the art form that you do of stand-up comedy.

Not easy at all. Yeah, it helped that this cracker has bitch yelled at it. Yeah. That is true. That is true. Asians do not like crackers. Is that correct? You guys are into more of like a wanton or something like that.

We like fortune cookies. You do. That's as close to a cracker as you get. I love it. Hans Kemp, you did it again. Absolutely incredible. Very quick on your feet with the lady, the cracker lady. I'm just constantly thinking cracker in my head.

Right. Absolutely. It is an autistic mind that you have indeed. This is a new hoodie. I've never seen this one before. We've been watching Hans's wardrobe expand in the last few months. I don't know if you guys have noticed, but we do. Is that an Amazon purchase?

Actually, no, Tony. This is a Lululemon. Whoa. See, this is one of the greatest things in all of the history of the show. Because, you know, the regular is getting to watch them work and get better and make material is one thing. But the amazing thing about Hans is that we've actually watched him go from a fucking, a nothing burger that exclusively wore free t-shirts that were given to him.

Like at one point he was just wearing the screwball peanut butter whiskey shirts and the deep Eddie shirts and all the sponsors, everything. And now look at you, Lululemon. How much did that sure cost? 60 or 70 bucks, right? It's like $120. What? Whoa.

Bowling. A nigga making money. Yeah. D-Madness has money. When Hans wears it, it's called Ruru Rehman. Oh. A son. A mod.

What did I tell you? What did I tell you? The boys are here. What you wear is called a towel on your head. Oh. Whoa. You fucking, you fucking cracker. You fucking wheat cracker.

You fucking Trisket. He just called you a brown cracker. No, nothing for the Trisket reference. Does it feel more expensive? Like does it feel like different than? Oh yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. Absolutely.

One day. And we're at a comedy store. Red band still hasn't learned how to ball yet. He's just shaped like one. So Hans, what else, what else are you spending your money on? Lululemon's a big, big deal. Wait till you try Aloe. A-L-O.

Slightly better. Yeah, I'm wearing shit that girls wear. It's awesome. Yeah, exactly. It's fucking unbelievable. Feels better. I bought like $1,000 worth of podcast lights for my podcast that no one watches. Right, yeah.

Maybe that'll be the difference. I think a lot of people have been saying this would be interesting if the lighting was better. A lot of the listeners are like the lighting. I can hear that the lighting isn't quite up to... All right, $1,000 worth of lights. What else? You have your girlfriend? Have you been spending any money on her?

Yeah, I bought her tickets to Las Vegas and then I refunded it immediately. Oh, whoa. Okay, hold on. Wait, why? Oh, just because I got a great opportunity to open up for my hero and my mentor, you? That's right. Absolutely. So that's right, because I'm taking you to Philly and Boston this week.

Yeah. Absolutely. I... D-Madness making some kind of joke back there. I'm not exactly sure what. Sometimes I'm blind to what he says. Goddamn right. All right, Hans, what else?

I have a gun. Ooh. Wow. Says it like it's on him right now. No, it's not on me. Oh, okay. All right. I did have it on me when I bought this sweatshirt.

You did? You went into Lululemon with a gun. Yeah. Wow. I knew I was the only one with a gun there, because... No doubt. It is famous for having yoga apparel. Very few guns in the yoga world.

Just pistols. What made you go into Lululemon with a gun? I was with my girl, and I just wanted to protect her from... Any black guys trying to fuck you or anything? Yeah. What crackers? Wow. It's funny that you get to throw that around like that.

You use any other racial slurs? Because you technically could do almost any of them, except for one. Which one is that? Yeah, which one? Why don't you just start naming them, and we'll stop you when you hit the one. Hans, you're unbelievable. You make this look easy every single week. You're a fucking rock star, and I'm so proud of you.

Hans Kim, everybody, with any minute to get things started. Legend. You guys ready to go to this fucking bucket? This is where shit gets weird. It could get weird. It probably will. It could be anybody. It could be a crazy person.

Maybe you signed up. Who knows? I'm gonna pull a name out. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Melissa Diaz. Melissa Diaz. Here she comes. She's got a steady pace making her way to the stage. I do believe this is her first time on the show.

Make some noise for Melissa Diaz, everyone. Hey, I work out a lot, and you know, it's like you gotta just do it to not think about death or whatever. You know, you get a weight, and it's basically do that. You could do reps with that weight, but I started calling them rapes instead of reps. Because every time I do a pull-up inside, I'm like, no, please stop. I don't like this. I'm not comfortable. Please don't.

So that I have to yell at myself, I go, shut up, you stupid fat bitch. You know you like it. Stupid bitch. Stupid fucking punch. Tell anybody I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, you know, whatever. I'm getting older so that I can work out my body, but I really can't. There's no curls for your pussy, you know, so that's kind of unfortunate.

Kind of wish there was. I don't even know what it's going to look like in years from. I've never seen a picture. I don't know what happens. I think I have a mental block. I'm going to take a picture for science every single day of my plus from now until I'm 80. Slowly watch it turn into a cleaning. Shit, that had even scared me.

I wasn't even, I forgot how the show worked for a second. It's been almost 10 years. I got a little comfortable there. Holy shit, that's a rare treat. Whoa. Jesus Christ. You really had my attention there. That was incredible.

Melissa Diaz. Wow. Incredible performance. Incredible. I loved your rape thing. That was amazing. A lot of people say rape's not funny. I come from the other school where I think it's absolutely hilarious.

You really punched that one up a little bit. That's amazing, Melissa. You guys were there for that, Derek. The pacing on that first rape joke. You walked us all slowly into that break. She took a time and it goes very well done. You hid the punch lines. They came right around the corner out of nowhere like it was a parking deck or something like that.

Absolutely incredible. You had us all a captive audience to the rape bit, to the rape bit. Melissa Diaz. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. Second time. What did we learn about you your first time on? I like books a lot and that I am a con artist.

I do the two things. But I am no longer that. I'm unemployed now. Okay. What happened? Why are you unemployed now? Benefits. Benefits.

Well, before I was just a software developer. But I sucked at it. So it's like my boyfriend is a software developer. Your boyfriend is also a software developer. Yeah. Well, we had my job together basically. Okay. I was the face of it.

The face of diversity. Oh, wow. Diaz. Yeah. Melissa Diaz. Right. Right. I love to code.

You know. I love it. Yeah. I do that. I want to live in America. I want to live in America. I love it. Yeah.

I do that. I want to live in America. I want to live in America. And they're like, oh my God, they're so hardworking. Such a hardworking people. You know, they were like, oh my gosh. Wow, you're funny. You're like if Sara Silverman was funny.

But she used to be. She used to be. Nick, a record Ralph was fired. She used to be. I saw her in an Uber commercial this week. Really? Yeah, fuck yeah. No better time to be woken in Los Angeles than right now.

I love it. Melissa, do you consider yourself woke? No, I'm sleepy. Right. Exactly. Quite the opposite, it seems. I think a lot of women would be afraid to make rape jokes like what you did. And you made it funny, which says a lot.

That's what we love. You know what I mean? Us comedy store people love it when you take a tough subject and figure out how to find the funny in there. And that was incredible. You put it on yourself. You put it on how hard the gym is. Something everybody can relate to.

Incredible stuff. What else, Melissa? What should we know about you that we didn't find out last time you were here? Other than the fact that you look like a son of a mod if you shaved and put on a wig. Yeah. I have a question. When did you stop teaching potions at Hogwarts? How long have you been doing stand-up, Melissa?

Seven years now. Seven years. And where are you from? I'm from New York City originally. Wow. How long have you lived in Austin? Nine months at this point. What made you move here nine months ago?

I don't know. I've lived in New York all my life. Right. From the Bronx. And you might, it's an open-air prison. Yeah. Above Manhattan. You may have heard of it.

It's also known as Puerto Rico. Yep. Puerto Rico. I don't know. I've lived there all my life and I don't like cocaine. And this seemed like a good alternative. Absolutely. You came to the right place.

You must love catamine. Wow. Incredible, Melissa. So you're with a white coder, right? Absolutely. And how long have you been with this guy? Six years. Six years?

That's a long time. Yeah. How do you guys keep it exciting? Six years with someone who seems hard? I don't know. We're compatible. He's, he, we're both really neurotic. That's kind of what, but the neuroses kind of compliments each other in a fucked up way.

Yeah. So we just sit down and think about death a lot. Oh, I like that. And hold each other, you know. And that's what keeps you together when you know that you're in the dark with one other person. You just hold each other until it's over. Demadness.

Demadness. There it is. There he is. Demadness with a perfectly timed tell me about it. Perfect timing. That. Wait a minute. So like every, anybody you hold on the street is just your lover for the moment.

Demadness lives a whole life of holding on in the dark. Melissa Diaz. Very, very, very interesting stuff. And six years and you guys are still attracted to one another. Your sex lives are active. Yeah. You're still able to turn his software into hardware. Yeah.

Yeah. Incredible. A little scary now actually because he's started taking testosterone treatments. Oh. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. That's consistent with that.

So have you noticed? Right. He's feeling good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A lot more aroused. Exactly.

Gotta keep up. And also his happiness levels. Correct. His happiness levels? Yeah. And that I think gets lost in testosterone so people don't realize that it activates your brain a lot. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. He's a lot happier and he feels just more energized. It's like, it's good for him. I'm glad he's doing it. Tony, you know, I start this Wednesday. You're going to do it? Yeah.

I just got my levels checked and I guess I'm a lesbian. Wow. That is true. I've been saying this for years. A morbidly obese lesbian. Let's not forget. I just love that means he will eat out anything anywhere anytime. It's unbelievable.

I cannot wait to see fucking red band red band get some fucking color to his face other than green. You look like the not so incredible Hulk. I'm never good. Red banner. Stupid. You almost stopped yourself from saying it and then you couldn't help yourself. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday though.

Melissa Diaz. You have one of these? You already have one? There you go. Get out of here. Melissa Diaz. She's on a real show now on Thursday. You just watched somebody go from being a random piece of paper in a bucket to getting

booked on the best comedy show in town on a Thursday night. You guys get it? You guys going? Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Hale. Mike Hale everybody. So we're going to see what happens here with Mike Hale. Here he comes everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mike Hale.

Hey guys. Thank you so much. So sweet. I'm relating to micro dosing lately. Anybody else? Yeah. Yeah. We got some macro dosers in the balcony, right?

Those of you guys not hip into it. Micro dosing is where every four hours or so I just take like the enceus wing, just the tiniest corner of a Viagra. Just to stay thick throughout the day. You know what I mean? My favorite part about micro dosing is it's like a fun little secret, you know? Like you know you're on drugs, but nobody else knows you're on drugs. Well, two weeks ago I accidentally wasn't paying attention.

I took a whole Viagra and suddenly everybody knew that I was on drugs. That's what I get for wearing basketball shorts to your funeral. Hey, hey, before, hey, if you knew my uncle Frank, it's exactly what he would have wanted. Okay. I'm, thank you. Mike Hale. There you go. I could tell you micro dose Viagra because that set appeared to get harder as it went

on. Sometimes even I amaze myself. A really good one. Welcome to the show, Mike. This is your first time here, right? Thank you. Yes. Absolutely.

All right. What's up? About a year. About a year. Where at? Right here. Austin, Texas. In Austin, Texas.

Holy shit. Look at that. Okay. And have you lived here your whole life? No. No, I've been here for about four years. Four years. Where did you move from four years ago?

I've kind of lived down here in Texas for like the last 10 years or so, but I'm originally from Akron, Ohio. Akron, Ohio. We know it very well. The birthplace of Joe Walsh. The birthplace of Eagles fame. The birthplace of LeBron James. The birthplace of BF Goodrich and Goodyear.

The inventors of your tires. The right brothers. Absolutely. Yep. Kind of right about that one right now. I don't think it was exactly Akron. They are from the state of Ohio. Good guess.

Mike Hale. So you moved here four years ago. What do you do for work? I just got my first job in tech. Okay. What are you doing? Did you take a job from a young Mexican lady? Working in software?

What are you doing in tech? I'm kind of doing, it's almost like sales, like partnerships between different tech companies. Wow, it sounds horrible. It's a job. Got it. You enjoy it? It's not bad.

I mean, it lets me do this nights and weekends. You sit in an office during the day? No. I work from home for the most part. Okay. Every once in a while I'll go in. All right. Married?

Married? Okay. Kids? No. No. No way. Why? Why is that a no?

A guy that's on Viagra all day. I thought you'd be fucking pumping them out like fucking. No, I think they're like, I don't know, they're like gross. Okay. All right. Are you a pedophile? Sounds like he's making his cover right now. He's like, oh, they're gross.

Four years in Texas. He's already pro-abortion. I love that. What's so gross about kids? I don't know. They seem like a lot of work, I guess, is the big part of it. Sounds kind of suspicious, right? I don't know.

I just have kids. It seems like it ruins your life a little bit. Sorry if you have kids. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with having kids. So tell us in your amazing world where kids would stop all the fun that you're having, that's what you do for fun. Let's hear a little bit about your social life.

Like what do you do at nighttime when you're not doing stand-up? What I'm not doing stand-up, really just enjoying the fruits of Austin, Texas. Wow, the fruits. Jesus. That is the gayest answer I've ever heard. I suck cock, Tony. Enjoying the fruits and the fairies of this beautiful city. I'll tell my wife.

All the fruits are mostly bananas, and all right, what are the fruits to you? I don't know, Austin's just like, I mean, the arts, the culture, but the food, you can't eat the food in Austin. Right, let me get sausage. You know what I'm saying? Just fruits and sausage over here. We're finding out a lot about you right now, Mike. This is the truth is coming out.

It's got a lot more intimate facts than I thought it would. Hell yeah, welcome. So tell us more. Tell us more about these fruits, because everything you say sounds kind of gay. I want to see how many accidental gay answers you could give me. We could do this all night. Let's prove it. I'll decide how long we do it for.

You just tell me more of what you like to do. I mean, that's really it. When I moved here, it was the music capital world. It's, I mean, it still is, there's still, you know, you can go 2pm on a Thursday and see, you know, just down the street blues and stuff like that. And so that's one of my favorite things about Austin. That's where we spend a ton of time. And I guess that's, we don't have kids, so we are a little bit, we can do more stuff

like that. I guess is what I was saying when I was talking about not wanting to have kids sort of thing. Holy shit, Mike. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. You trying to put me asleep so you could fuck me right now? Is that what's going on? That's what he did there.

That was the double gay super trick right there. He's just like, no, not much Tony. I just see him in the gym. Red Band thinks you're gay too. All right, Mike, tell us something interesting about your life, your history. There must be something you ever save anybody's life or almost die or anything interesting ever, like something really cool. So when I first moved to Austin, I was playing music and I got cast in a romcom that was shooting

here in Austin. And so that was interesting. I got to hang out with Josh Dumel and stuff like that. Who's Josh Dumel? And by romcom, do you mean gay porn? Well, that's not what they put on the casting call, but when I showed up, like, what am I going to leave? All right.

So what type of music were you playing when you moved here? Just a singer-songwriter kind of stuff. Austin is an incredible place for... You're a singer? Yes. Okay. So if the band plays something, will you give us a little example of your singing? Why don't you guys...

What type of... Name a song. The guys behind you are actual musicians. You are in the music capital of the world, you shit talking fuck. Do you guys know any George Michael? Oh, this place used to be the music capital of the world. You could still catch a show anywhere at 2 a.m. But I mean, fucking idiot.

Well, it still is. It's an incredible place for musicians. D-Madness knows exactly where you're standing right now, by the way. This guy's got a fucking sonar, all right? He will throw that guitar right at your face. Name a song or something. These guys will play whatever you want. Can you play the fruits of thy labor?

Do you know anything from the soundtrack of Brokeback Mountain? The ending scene. Do you have anything... Do you have anything from that Fifth Street remix? Oh shit, something's about to go on. Oh shit, it's like the gay version of Eight Mile right now. But I'll never lost my mind. There was something so special about that day.

Even your most sad knuckle is so much space. All right. That was good. That was good. Oh, he's pointing at someone in the balcony. Wow. Must be a dude with his legs open up there. Thank you.

This is a fucking guy. That song is so much better from the perspective of a man deep in the closet. That song is like way more intense. Where was that nigga when you was doing stand-up? I saw C-Lo Greed come out of this nigga. But when he was doing stand-up, he was like... He was making all the musical faces up there. You got that part down.

The sound was all right, but you looked like a musician. I'd like to get that in the studio, mix it up a little bit, and lay the track over your actual performance. Thank you. You have some star power, Mike. I like it. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You've been doing it a year. Here's a little joke book for you.

Thank you so much, Mike. Fun times. There you go. There he goes. That man can get. She's from Akron, Ohio. Let's wait one more here. Let's get another bucket pull out of here. These people have been a little bit normal tonight. We've got some good comedians out of this bucket so far. We have to see someone fail massively.

Let's see what happens here. Could be another killer. Sometimes that happens. It makes some noise for Jason Messna, or Messiah, or Messru, perhaps. Whoa, from the very front. Oh, my goodness. This is happening, folks. This is always very exciting when someone from the actual audience signed up.

Come on, everybody. Make some noise for Jason. I totally was just going to go piss if it wasn't my name called, but I can make it through this. So I'm basically just here because Hans Kim made out with my ex. I'm just here to get revenge by also making out with him. So anyways, who has heard of Coachella? My round of applause.

If the other jokes failed, I was knowing that was going to give me at least one round of applause. But I went to Coachella in 2019, and I thought it'd be funny to bring a plant into Coachella, and my friends were like, there's no way you're going to get a plant into Coachella. And I was like, yes, if I call it my emotional support plant, they're going to let me bring it in.

And so I went to Coachella, I had emotional support plant, I named it Gary, and went in and... I've been going, oh, yeah, fuck. Wow. Jason Mess... What's your last name? Messna.

Okay. Jason. It's fun to have two gay musicians up back to back like this. You spent most of your set asking the audience if they know what Coachella is. This is what I have in my notes. Coachella 2019, Gary the plant. What were you getting at? D-Madness is about to jump to his death.

He hated your set so badly. What were you getting at there, Jason? First of all, your first time trying stand-up comedy, correct? Yeah. I could tell. Jason, everybody. Put your hands together for Jason. It takes a lot of courage. A lot of courage.

Now, is this true? Did Hans make out with your ex? Yeah. Oh, my God. Were you guys together when it happened? No, no. So, I live in California, and we broke up, and she knows I love this show and have watched it for years, and she moved here after we broke up.

Oh, I remember her. She said it on the show. I don't think she did, because I was telling her that she had an opportunity to talk some shit, but she totally let it go and didn't. Right. But you think that she made out with Hans just to hurt you? Yeah, she texted me right after it happened.

Oh, my God. And she was trying to make you mad. Yeah. But backfired, I own a tattoo shop, and I show everybody Kill Tony, and one of my favorite stories is to tell us that story. Right. It also backfired because Hans has herpes.

I mean, she might have been the one, so... Right. Oh, you have it too. I get it. I get it. I love it. Okay, Jason, first time on the show, first time doing stand-up.

Where are you from? California. Where? Northern. Chino. Okay. Chino. All right.

If you noticed a bum from Chico, California, that's me. I literally show everybody that I tattoo the show. Okay. Beautiful. I love it. We've seen a lot of activity coming out of Chico, California as of late. It's really noticeable. Okay.

So, you do tattoos for a living? Yeah. All right. Definitely not a comedian. Okay. And is this something that you've always wanted to do, or this is sort of just like you're just visiting Austin? No.

Actually, I'm on a road trip, and we were going to end up being in Austin on our road trip, but the two Mondays that were here, you're not filming, or the tickets were sold out or something. Correct. So, we were originally in Colorado and flew here, because it's my birthday today, so you've come to this show so that we wouldn't miss it.

Wow. Look at that. That's incredible. And this is your new girlfriend? Yes. Wow. Look at you. I'm guessing that that's an upgrade,

because Hans has never made out with anybody that looks like that before. That's for sure. That is for sure. Where'd you meet this one at? How do you get someone like that, with a nasally voice like yours? Well, Tony, to tell you the truth, I...

You know it's bad if I make fun of your voice. Actually, it gave me confidence coming up here, because I know what my voice sounds like, but since you're the host, I was like, it should be fine. No. It'll not be fine. Oh, you assholes are turning on me.

Oh. Fucking crackers. Stupid. I love it. And seriously, though, where'd you meet her? I'm just curious. I had a friend at the races in Chico. The races?

Yeah. Like car races? Yeah. Wow. Okay. So you just go to the races all the time? No, I don't, but she actually does. And I had a friend that...

Okay, white trash. I like it. Very good. Hell yeah. Party machine. I like it. The only race in Chico is white people, by the way, for those of you.

Pretty much, yeah. All right. Jason, what's a fun fact about your life that we would be interested to know about you? You've seen the show before. You've shown it to all of your friends in Chico. What do you think? You're inside of the interview of one of the episodes right now.

In my head, I thought about a million things I would say during this part, and now I'm like, Yeah. Not as easy as it looks, huh, asshole? I know. I know. It's not. I swear to God, I'm about to go there.

I'm about to do better than anybody ever has. I'm going to go to Austin, Texas, so I'll show my ex-girlfriend that she can make out with Hans Kim, but I can do what he does any day of the week. And I can tattoo. Give us an interesting, like, something about your life. Your parents separated when you were very young, correct?

You're a tattoo artist. You were like three years old at the time? Three or four? No, I was like eight or something. I got a tattoo from the cops and got away. Oh, okay. That's an interesting one. I actually have a tattoo about it,

and I have a tattoo leg where everything on this leg has a crazy story to it. Actually, I messaged everybody. Take off your fucking pants right now. Let's go over this hole. Show the leg. Show the leg. Here we go, let's go.

Show the leg. Show the leg. Let's go. Hold on, hold on. I'm going to have the last comedian come up here and suck your cock while this is all happening. Well, Tony, to be honest with you, I don't buy that idea at all. No, let's see the leg.

It's okay. It's okay. You have a beautiful package, by the way. Good job. What does that say? Longest? Coolest tattoo you'll ever see. Okay.

That's a shitty tattoo. All right. What's the... Can you just tell us one of the stories? It's just a plethora of shitty tattoos. Some of them, so if I share the memory with someone, I'll let them do the tattoo, whether they know how to or not. And I actually messaged a bunch of you guys.

I'll let you tattoo me live on stage if you give me a minute. Right. I actually brought my tattoo shit. You did? Uh-huh. Wow. You brought it in? You got to do it.

You know what I think? I think you should get your real revenge. I think you should go up to the green room and give Hans Kim his first tattoo. I mean... Red Band's concerned about insurance for some reason. What? Who do you think is going to sue who?

Sue me is actually one of Hans's cousins. Where's Hans, give me Hans Kim. Get him up here right now. This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim. Somebody check the Broom Closet. This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim. Wow! Whoa! There he is, my favorite little superstar. Look at him, I feel like it's been days since I've seen you. The great Hans Kim has arrived. Hans, do you remember making out with this man's girlfriend? Not at all.

Savage. I love this man. I love that. Oh, he was such a fucking normal little autistic kid. When I first met him, he was just a good little boy. Now he's like, sorry, faggot. The loser bitch ex-girlfriend of yours meant nothing to me. Wow.

Hans, have you ever thought about getting a tattoo? I'm down. Really? So if I send you two up to the green room, you'll let him do a little something on you? Yeah, sure. Okay. And then, in, you know, whatever, an hour and ten or whatever,

much longer, we have about another 50 minutes. You guys will come down and we'll get an update. Is that cool? Awesome. Unbelievable. This is Kill Tony history happening right now, completely improvised, live in front of you. This is the episode that Hans got his first tattoo.

That's Jason Messon, everybody. Get to work. Hell yeah. That's awesome. That is incredible. Jason, get your little kid. Where are you going? Come over here.

Get your fucking kid. No. Oh, here, sure. Take one of those. You sucked, but I'm giving you a big one anyway. It was good for a first appearance. You don't have to leave if you don't want to. You could stay.

Someone's gonna fuck your girlfriend while you're tattooing Hans. Oh, that's the tattoo kit. All right, yeah. Go run into him and come back. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, while that's all happening, we're gonna keep the show moving along. Another one of your regulars is here.

This guy, another absolute legend of the fucking game, famous for his unbelievable joke writing and ridiculous roasting skills. My fucking little brother. Make some noise for David Lucas, everybody. Live. David motherfucking Lucas. Yeah.

I was fucking with this tarot card reader and I cheated on that bitch just to show her that shit don't work. It's like, what card was that, bitch? You must have been reading. Ooh, no cards. Since I moved to Austin, I've been getting into white women, man.

I really love white women. I love white women. I love white women. I love white women. I love white women. I love white women. I love white women. I really love white girls that wear hoka shoes.

That shit is sexy, man. I don't even use Tinder. I just walk down the sidewalk and look at what bitch is walking a pit bull. I'm like, if she'll rescue that, she'll rescue my ass. All right, thank you, man. Wow.

David motherfucking Lucas. The second of our three regulars showing again how it's done. Unbelievable performance, David. What's up there? What's up? Hey, how's it going, buddy? How are you, my friend? I'm chilling, dawg.

You look fucking bigger than ever. I mean, this is wild. Did you go to fucking... You look 1990s gay, nigga. God damn it. A lot of people this week I went to ACL live. David went to KFC live. Tony didn't go to ACL.

He went to BBC. Hey, Tony, they knew you was gay when you was a baby because you was the only baby with shit stains on the front of his diaper. Wait a second. You're saying that when I was a baby, I was fucking other baby's asses? You're saying I was a gaby?

Top baby. You weren't Gerber. They had to get that nigga a deal, though, so I could only get quiet, man. I don't know... I don't know how you knew that, but that's actually a fact. You know the little things that babies pull it out?

They be giving Tony mini-dicks to pull it out. That much. When David was a baby, he slept in a McCrib. Tony, when you was a baby, they didn't believe in seeds because they let you sleep stomach down, nigga. That motherfucker slept in sniper position. That's true.

That's true. Are you able to sleep on your stomach with the Darth Vader helmet you have to wear to bed? Motherfucking looking like Darth Vader. Tony, you got a sleep next to a heated-up deal, though, to go to sleep. Put it in the microwave on 30 seconds. 30 seconds is a little long,

but I think 22 is the magic number there. But I like this style. You have two different types of denim on tonight. Tony, you let two different gay niggas dress you? What are we saying, nigga? You let an L.A. nigga... You let an L.A. gay nigga pick out your pants and an Austin gay nigga pick out that jacket.

I'm killing with that rain-proof shit, bitch. You will not get wet with these haters, Tony. Oh, my God. David motherfucking Lucas. Absolutely incredible. It's been a busy week for you. You're not allowed to laugh at the setup like that. Fucks me up.

I knew it was so stupid. Because you know you didn't have a busy week at all. He was sitting on it. Why don't you guys make fun of him or something? Hell no, nigga. That's all you. Oh, good. That's my nigga, dawg. Oh, my God. That nigga on my dress, like he said, fake gold, nigga.

The business that he roasts, you ain't got your name wrong, man. He calls you Elon. You're just mad because if you were purple, you'd look like Grievous. Oh, shit. You look like the nigga that sold Aladdin and Magic Carpet. So goddamn. Been lied and third removed. Look at that. Oh, my God. He's on fire.

He is on. That nigga dressed like an Iranian jazz player. My music is the bomb, buddy. Somebody. Unfucking believable. Unfucking believable. You really just going to let Derek off the hook on this one? That's my dog, man.

That's my nigga. We black, bro. We had enough of that shit, dude. Our great grandfather got sprayed by fire hose. Chased by a fucking German Shepherd in hard bottom shoes, nigga. That's a lot. I hate to tell you this, David, but my granddad was white. Oh, fuck this nigga. Bad time to bring that up.

Yeah. Hey, my granddaddy is white, too. I love it. David, you're fucking an unstoppable force. Yeah, man. Getting stronger, like a meteor in space. Just gaining strength every single week. I wasn't even supposed to be a fat joke at all. I'm supposed to be a compliment.

Hey, Tony, if we get hit by a meteor, you can swallow it up. Okay. Okay. Send Tony into orbit. Yeah. Open his ass, cheeks. Son of a bitch. Go ahead, bro. Light me up, too, nigga.

I can't let everybody get lit up. That nigga look like a Negro lead Kermit the Frog. Oh, my God. David Lucas. No, nigga, that was stored up, dawg. Oh, man. Oh, man. Bro, I'm just fucking...

Oh, my God. That is incredible. That is incredible. This guy fucking making Sesame Street references after being... After spending a day at Wing Street. That's incredible. David Lucas, you're a fucking force. You're traveling all over the country.

You're headlining on your own. I implore you people listening around the country. Tell your local comedy club owner that you want to see David Lucas. Welcome. Get him out to you. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Back to the bucket. You can almost feel...

You can almost feel Hans Kim's pain right now. Is the... As the needle touches that... sensitive skin for the first time ever. All right. Pull the name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Bobby Johnson, everybody. Bobby Johnson is next. Here he comes, everybody.

Here he is. Make some noise for Bobby Johnson. Guys, I think I'm moving up in the world socially. I just got invited to the fourth annual Joel Olstein Spaghetti Dinner Slash Cockfighting Tournament. I'll tell you a little bit about me, guys. This past weekend, I decided to buy my baby mama some new Jordans. That way she can get even higher when she jumps to all those conclusions about where the fuck I've been. I got a phone call that People Magazine's doing an article about my solar-powered abortion clinic. I guess we're the first and only abortion clinic to run completely on conservative energy.

I recently went into a Burger King, and I don't know if you guys have been in a Burger King lately. Two words. Honkeys everywhere. That's it. Wow. Bobby Johnson has arrived. Bobby Johnson has arrived. Oh, a standing ovation from Red Band. Wow. You just made the world's laziest man stand up for a second.

I've been waiting for you. You've been on this show before, correct? This is my third time. Right. You were on at Antones? I was on at Antones once with Joe Rogan, and then I was on almost a year and a half ago with Christina Peake. Okay, perfect. Bobby is actually a famous character in Kill Tony Folklore because you stand in the same spot at the end of that aisle way every week, and people have noticed you many times just standing there just looking straight forward.

You're always well-behaved, and some people have brought it to my attention that there's one guy that's always standing there. But I thought that you'd been on this show before, so it's good to see you again. You're here every week, right? Yeah, I've been signing up since the Gary Clark Jr. episode. Right. Okay. Yeah, that's been a while. I like four months. Right. Okay. Very, very cool. Derek, what do you think about this guy?

Bro, you really fucked Black Chicks because I kind of believe it. I do not believe him whatsoever. I don't know. Do you remember that skinny nigga in Road Trip who fucked that fat black girl? Yeah. The undercover DEA day gin on Breaking Bad? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no way. No. No way. Nope. Would you? What? Would you? Yeah.

Okay. Are you very sexually active? No. No. Not at all. You have the same complexion as our friends from Seattle here. Yeah. Yeah.

So tell us about your life, Bobby. What do we not know about you? What do we know? Ever since the last time I was on here, I've moved here since. I've been here since the... Where were you before? Dallas. I kind of moved back and forth between Houston and Dallas.

Okay, but now you live here full-time. Yes. How long ago did you make that move? I have been here since the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's almost a year. Right. Okay. Yeah.

Absolutely. Okay. The Monday after Thanksgiving. Right. So you had Thanksgiving with your family and you're like, guys, I have an announcement to make. Moving to Austin. Yeah. Okay.

What's your family like? They live in Dallas. They're both retired now. Okay. Yeah. They retire with a little nest egg or are they sort of like, what's it looking like there? Like, are they like happy? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. They're both together. Okay. All right. And they're both retired. So they had you when they were a little bit older? No.

I'd say my dad was maybe like in his early 30s. I honestly don't remember off the top of my head. When he had you? Yeah. Okay. It was 1992. I mean, if that... Okay.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. All right. Bobby, you ever commit a crime? No. No? Not off the top of my...

No. Not off the top of your... How about the bottom of your head? No. No. So... Okay. You live by yourself now or you have room?

Yes. Yes, I live by myself. You live by yourself. How are you able to afford to live by yourself? I have had a comical amount of jobs since I've been here. I'm not proud of it. But today I just started working at a Greek restaurant. Okay.

Yeah. So you do whatever it takes for you to live alone? Yeah. And I did Uber Eats for a while, but then I didn't want to like pay all that money back in taxes. Why are you so committed to working so hard instead of having a roommate? Do you have any weird habits around the home? No. No.

I am ADHD, but that's besides the point. Right. No, it's just... If I can manage to do it, it'd be better than living with someone. Let me ask you this. Do you have your own refrigerator there? I do. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator?

If I went through your refrigerator right now, I would be like... I find this very particular. I like to have cold chocolate, like almost frozen. So I'll have like a whole thing of Hershey's in there. And then when it's like almost frozen, I'll eat it. That's the closest to hooking up with a black girl. He's having it. Cold chocolate before bed.

Jerking off with melted chocolate on his hand is the closest he's come. Wow. Incredible. So cold chocolate. What'd you say, Dee? Hold on. All right. Hey, Lord have mercy.

Yeah. Okay. All right. I feel like there's something I'm missing here about you. I feel like there's like... I feel like I'm like one question away from getting something fucking golden out of you. You ever been injured? You ever have a major accident of some kind?

I injured my toe like a year ago. Yeah. Oh, but okay, no. On the Joe Rogan episode, we talked about... I had a mass in my lungs the size of the softball. There we go. And there was talk where they might... It wasn't as shrinking as as fast as we would like for it to go.

Uh-huh. And since then, the antibiotics really did their job and it shrunk and I'm completely cleared. Wow. There was a little stutter there on the complete lead. You guys hear that at all? Sort of like if the doctor told me that, I'd be like, fuck. Yeah.

Tony, you are good news. You are completely clear. God damn it. I still have it, don't I? Where do you think that thing in your lung came from? What'd they say? I was... I had the mask on and the dirty air was going back into my mouth

and I didn't want to bring that up on the first episode because the whole mask thing was going on back then and I didn't want to get political. What could be my only visit on Kill Tony? Wow. I actually love this, but now we're ready for this, right? Now we can talk about the fact that in some instances, masks caused some harm.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Your doctor told you that the mask had some... No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. We were close there. We were close. We were close.

You two were waiting with that strike. Yeah, 350 Austinites like, come on, give it to us. Tell us those masks caused something. This was one yes away from being a rally. Right there. Bobby, are you vaccinated? I am, yeah. You are.

What made you decide to do that? You have the skin color of a... You have the skin tone of a triple boosted... Right. I can't stop thinking about it because you're like your own race, my nigga. Yeah. It is.

Because everybody in here is white, but nigga, you're something else. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You are white, white. This is like Princess Renea as kids when they were supposed to come out half black. House of dragons.

It's a hitch shot. His whole body is like a lifeguard's nose. He's Boo Radley color. Bro, you should have fucking black girl. The color contrast, my nigga, would... It would be incredible. Blow your mind. You would make a beautiful mixed baby.

Probably. Yeah. All right, Bobby. I mean, an incredible performance for a band. You know, I would love to have you open up The Secret Show Thursday. Here, take one of those. Bobby Johnson, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes. Make some noise for Bobby, everybody. He already has a big joke book, so I gave him a little one just to keep us a little something. Let's get back to this bucket. I don't know. We started a little bit late today.

I want to get... You think we should go back to the bucket again, huh? All right. How about Jordan Jay? Jordan Jay is next. Live, Austin, Texas. Vulcan Gas Company. Jordan Jay.

Here he comes, everybody. We got movement. Your next comedian, Jordan Jay. Hell yeah. How y'all feeling? Y'all feeling good? Yeah. Hell yeah, man. I'm glad to be here, man.

These women crazy, man. Girls, they out here hyping up their Gucci. You know what I'm saying? Crazy shit. Somebody in my pussy will turn you inside out. I don't need no more hemorrhoids. I'm good. I love women, man.

I love my parents too. They raised me to work hard. I bought a house a couple years ago. About to sell it. I learned a lot, man. I learned a lot. I'm getting some renovation done. I learned all Hispanic people, not the same.

Ain't that, man? I had one come out to my year, bro. I'm going to start on this one, this one, and that one. I said, hell, nah, your English too good, bro. You know how to say words I know. I had one come out to my... I'm going to do this one, this one, and this one. I knew he was going to do some good work.

I said... I opened the door. I said, good morning. He said, eh. I said, oh, yeah, come on in. I need all this shit. Fuck yes. Jordan Jay making his Hill Tony debut.

Correct. This is your first time on the show, right? First time, yes sir. Amazing performance. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. About a year and a half. Where are you from?

Dallas. Dallas, all the way. So you drove here today for this? I did. I got out of work a little early, you know, so... Heck yeah. What do you do for work? I'm a project supervisor.

Project supervisor. Project supervisor. Yeah. Now... Okay. Let's just... Let me just start here. Correct me if I'm wrong,

but you are a red-headed black man? Yeah, man. Holy shit. I got lucky, man. The Wolfpack. Absolutely. I love it. The old fucking roasted tomato.

You know what I'm saying? The old fucking... The old fucking chocolate-covered cherry over here. Hey, man. My dick's still pink, though. So... Hell yeah. You're like Montel William Montgomery.

You had tonight, man. I like the roast too, man. You're good. You're good. An unbelievable performance. You are extremely talented for just a little over a year in. Appreciate it. How do you think you ended up like this?

What's going on? Tell us about your life, Jordan J. My dad's black. My mom's white. White as fuck, right? Yeah, she like myth. She's like the last guy that was on stage. Yeah, close, but she got, like, blonde hair, so...

Right. Like I said, she do myth. Okay. Yeah. All right. You know. That white. She's got her own projects to manage.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It's cool, man. I love it. So, what does your dad do? Uh, he's black. So... You said it, buddy.

You said it. I'm glad you mentioned that. So, you guys don't talk much then, huh? I mean, I mean, black dads often don't talk to their non-redheaded children. I can't imagine what it's like having a little fucking... Little fucking gingerbread cookie that got left in the oven a little too long. You know what I mean? Oh, shit.

When's the last time... Gingerbread cookie. When's the last time you talked to dad? I talked to him often, man. Okay. No, I was just saying he's black. Right. I love it.

But, uh... I love it. He does, like, security, like, software security stuff or something. All right. Yeah, he steals from people. Okay. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Okay. I'm kidding. Jordan, what do you like to do for fun? You seem like a fucking cool guy. You came up here with so much confidence. I thought you've been doing this for years. Uh, what do I do for fun, man? I like to do, like, spoken words, like, freestyle spoken words.

Really? Yeah. Okay. Red Band, relax for a second. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah. Interviewing him over here. I've been renovating my house.

Like, I was... I had got some Hispanic people out, doing something with myself, so I like to work with my hands and stuff. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. There was a lot right there. Like, the work on the house,

there's Hispanic people there right now? Is that what you said? No, they just finished. Okay. What'd you have the Hispanic people doing? Uh, the bathroom. I had to get a new... I wanted a new shower.

Right. So we got rid of the bathtub, put a walk-in. Right. Like, you know, you walk into it. I just love that. It's a walk-in bathtub? No, shower. Like, the water come down on you.

Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what? I'm so... Fancy shits. It's so simple that I'm confused, actually. It's like, holy shit. Wow.

So you have a walk-in shower now? Yeah, man. Life's getting better. Absolutely. I love it. Really? I love it. What, uh, what do you like to do in the shower?

You have, like, special stuff? You have, like, red and shoulders? Uh, I have both of them. Red and shoulders? No? Red and shoulders? Red and... Instead of head and shoulders?

It's a shampoo for people that bathe the red band? Okay. There you go. Yeah, man. I ain't got any... Like, I got a speaker. I put a speaker in it. Like, you know what that is?

I love it. Absolutely. I got it. I got it. See, I like to listen to music in the shower. Oh, yeah. See, I have a little Bluetooth to go with your red beard. Yeah, man.

I just... I love it. I like the jam and shit. Me, too? I'm with you. I got the same type of... No, you ain't coming in there with me. No, no, no, no.

I'm not coming in. No, no, no. No, don't let David's jokes fool you. I am not letting you fuck my butthole. All right, well, I'm about to leave, then. No, no, no. Stick around. Stick around.

Stick around. You live by yourself? Yeah, man. Weirdest thing in your refrigerator. What is it? A caulk. Like, the glue. Like, to glue, like, floorboard down.

Okay. Tony got real excited for a second. I'm hard as a rock right now. I'm like, wow. Finally, someone that has things... My goodness. I often have caulk in my... I call my ass a refrigerator sometimes.

I have caulk in my refrigerator, too, sometimes. I get a little too much tequila in me all of a sudden. Isn't it interesting that this man has caulk, white, pasty in his refrigerator, and the white pasty guy has chocolate in his refrigerator? Does anybody else notice these things? I think of these things. It's amazing. Amazing.

Perhaps if we looked closer, the chocolate might have a red wrapper. It might be. I don't get down like that, man. It might be. It might be a Tony's Chocolonely or something like that. Anyway, Jordan Jay, your love life. I'm interested to know what you're into. A black man with red hair.

We talk about, I'm going to guess, thick white women. Well, we in Austin, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where would we need to be for the answer to be different? If we were, if we were in Japan, what would your answer be? Huh? Thick Japanese girls, Tony. Polly hunts. Yeah, exactly.

That's a good pick. I love it. Oh, Jordan Jay. All right. Well, an amazing fucking performance. You're cool as fuck. Are you at your own merch? No, I got a gift for Tony.

Oh, shit. Yeah, it's some merch, man. I made it up. Okay. The dude that tried to tackle Dave Chappelle. Okay. I love that. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. Yeah, man. It's like three sizes too big for me, but yeah. I figure you grow into it. You do red, man. That's too small for me. I will. I'll grow into it.

Tony, when you get out of the shower and you go to bed, that could be one of those shirts. Yeah. Yes. I just don't wear any pants or shorts or anything. You know, Winnie the Pooh. Let my little twig and berries swang, you know what I mean? We couldn't put them in the dirt, so I put them on a shirt.

I love it. I love it. 100%. I'm with you, Jordan Jay. I love everything that you stand for. Yeah. Thank you so much. Welcome to Kill Tony Folklore.

Take one of these with you. Boom. Jordan Jay. Hell yeah. All right. Well, I mean, I think we started a little bit too late. I think we should go to this bucket one more time, huh? This lady doesn't seem into it.

You don't want the show to go on? You do. Okay. We got a Karen, ladies and gentlemen. There's one single Karen here. All right. Fuck it. Let's go one more.

Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Cody Mack, everybody. So what's up with the guys? I have a girlfriend. She's a first generation Mexican American. Her parents risked their lives to come here and give their family the best opportunities possible. And how does my girl repay them?

She brings home a white boy from Louisiana. Yeah. Somebody really paid attention in history class. I actually recently just met her parents for the first time, and they only speak Spanish. I grew up in Louisiana. They don't even teach English there until middle school. So, yeah, who would have thought language would

have been the hardest wall for them to get over? I love her, though, man. She teaches me stuff all the time. Like, she recently taught me that white privilege. I didn't know. I didn't know. I thought it was whenever your uncle sewed coke to the sheriff. That's what I thought.

All right. Yeah, thank you guys. That's all I got, guys. Thank you. Cody Mack. Welcome to the show, Cody. This is your first time here, right? Yes, it is.

Yes. Welcome, welcome. I've always wondered what it would look like if Zac Efron was on Crystal Meth. So this is exciting. Welcome to the show. Take it. I'll take that.

I'll tell you. It's not that bad. Fun stuff. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year. One year. Do you love it here in Austin? No, actually in Denver.

Denver, Colorado. Yes. So it's altitude sickness that you're suffering from. Yeah. What made you go to Denver? My mom moved out there and I'm a mama's boy, so I want to be with her and help her out. Aw, that's so sweet.

Is your mom a little bit obese? No, she had breast cancer. Oh, okay. That's it. I knew there had to be something. Aw. Aw. Aw.

Aw, we're a sensitive crowd tonight. Aw. Breast cancer. Yeah. That's okay. She survived, right? Yeah. Yeah, she's totally fine.

100% fine. Now you guys have the same size tits, right? Absolutely. Real mama's boy. Did she let you feel the lump? No, I was really young. I didn't know what was going on until about 15. Right.

You think she got her breast cancer from wearing mask string COVID? COVID wasn't around. Right. Red Band, did she just ask if her mom let him feel her tits? We don't go back to the things that Red Band says. We move forward and the show thrives. If you go back, then it's bad. Red Band's a specialist in knowing how to have tits,

so it's like the senior correspondent for tits. It's like Play-Doh, son. There you go. Very good, Red Band. Jesus Christ. Maybe when you release the episode, you could put other things over what you're saying. They're funny.

I'll help you punch it up. Your mouth will be moving one way. I'll put the microphone in front of my mouth. Much funnier things, and then the crowd won't laugh. You could put in, all right. That was sadder than the breast cancer. Cody Mack, let's get back to your mom. Did she let you keep the tumor and put it on a necklace?

Is that what that is? No. What is that? It's a glass heart. It's a glass heart. Yeah, it's a glass heart. Okay. Tell us about why you're wearing a glass heart.

When I was living in Denver, I worked at one of the best head shops, and it was the first glass piece, and I was like, I really need that. I've been to Denver quite a few times, and I'm pretty sure every head shop says that they're the best head shop. This one has awards.

We have awards. Oh, you have awards? They did. I didn't. Did the... Okay. Who decides who wins the awards for best head shop? They have like a converse...

What's what it looks like? A commission. Conferences. Conferences and shit like that. Conference. Okay. All right. Cody Mack, tell us more about your life.

Most interesting things about you and your history. What are you doing? Never. Let's see. I played baseball for like 14 years, and then I did MMA for like three. You did MMA? Yeah, a little bit.

Can you show us a little bit of shadow boxing? Put the mic in the mic, Stan. You guys have any like Rocky or something like that? Yeah. Yeah. D-Madness has it. Here's a little shadow boxing. This is a...

Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, wow. Oh my goodness. All right. Stop, stop, stop. It looks like you specialize in poking people in the eyes. Yeah.

Absolutely. The John Jones special. I love it. Okay. Cody, and what's your love life like? All right. I have a girlfriend. She's still in Denver though.

So... Right. On a couch. Trying to do this comedy thing. You're out here on a couch in Austin. Yes. How long you here for? To March.

I've only been here for about a month or so. So you left your girlfriend and your breastless mother in Denver, Colorado? No. He's laughing. He's hunched over laughing, and you guys are groaning. So let you know how gay you're being right here. Okay, all right. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Jesus, we've been through so much together. You guys are fagging up now? Really? Breast cancer? Survive? She's a survivor.

Wait, can I... I have a joke about her. My first joke I ever wrote was about... Let's hear it. All right. So my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10, and my father did the best that he could, taking care of all of us, even went one step further and even paid off all of her medical bills.

One year to the date of him finished paying off her medical bills, she divorced him. Long story short, bitches ain't shit. So... Wow. I told her that joke and she laughed. Yeah, exactly. It's the truth. I mean...

That's amazing. Your mom has a good sense of humor. She does. That's true. That's fantastic. That is great. Cody, other than MMA, you have any other special skills or talents? Anything that you like to do?

Any hobbies or anything? I play video games. I used to solve Rubik's cubes. Okay. I juggle a little bit, but not since high school. All right. Nothing since high school. But juggling, huh?

I did that one time, yeah. Juggling's a rare treat. Any chance I could get three limes from the bar over there? Can you throw us some limes? Juggling is one of those things that I love watching people fail at, so... I'm going to have you juggle a little bit and then I'm going to send you... Oh, oranges? Anything?

Anything round? No, nothing? No. Ape balls. Do we have any Ape balls in the audience? Okay, here comes something, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, there's lime. How about a hand for the corpse of Patrick Swayze here with some lime soils?

All right. Here he is juggling. Whoa. Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, my God. Well, I mean, an incredible performance, Cody. One of the very breast performances of the night.

Oh, shut up. You said you play video games, which is amazing because I just so happen to have a custom-made Mario Brothers Kill Tony crossover version of this book from the great book. This is the first book from the great Bones Eye, Adrian Cabazos, who makes all of these real Texas leather by hand. Check them out on Instagram at Bones Eye with a Z in the middle. That is Cody Mack. Congratulations, Cody.

There he goes. We're going to do... I want them to get as much work done as possible on Hans and we're going to make sure we... Yep, that's perfect because we're going to bring up the third regular of the show, ladies and gentlemen. This guy has done more one-minute sets on the show than anybody absolutely ever. He's currently headlining all around the country. He's also going with me to do 12 sold-out shows this week in Philly and Boston.

One of my favorite comedians on planet Earth and the record holder of appearances on Kill Tony. This is the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla. This is William Lights Out Montgomery. Somebody should have gotten that insurance because I swear to God, Hans is getting a fucking Schwastika tattoo right now. Seriously, I swear to God, I'm shaking right now. I am shaking in horror.

I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is that I started a bottled water company. The bad news is that the water comes from Camp Lejeune. Conservative Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene has announced she's getting divorced. She and her husband have three young children, two of which are probably Hershell Walkers. He has a bunch of illegitimate children. That's why that one's funny.

Somebody told me the new movie Bros sucked ass and I can't tell if that's a positive or negative review. Before I saw the movie Bros, I supported Gay Rights. Now, after seeing the movie, I've joined the fucking Westboro Baptist Church. Let's give it up for the Westboro Baptist Church, Austin. The fuck. That's not something to clap at. Okay, that's my time.

Absolutely incredible. William Montgomery. Ooh, a little wink. Wow. We've seen that before, folks. That is the classic wink. Hold on. I think I actually know where that might be.

No. Hold on. Don't do it. Don't do it. Okay, I've gone the wrong way. Hold on a second here. There is somewhere. Hold on.

Hold on. No, that's not it. Hold on. Hold on. I can find this. I never get to do this. Hold on. No.

Hold on a second. Hold on. Hold on. I want to do it. So are there pictures of naked kids on that fucking thing, dude? That's illegal. Because there's a noise in them, too, William. You fucking asshole.

There it is. Winking people. Wow, just one guy you're going for. Yeah, what's your story, man? What's your name? Wow, I've never seen gay crowd work before. That's incredible. Yeah, what's your name?

Okay. Incredible, William. Another unbelievable performance. I love that you said the word swastika here tonight. I don't know if anybody, you say it. There is no H in the beginning of that word. Seriously? But I swear to God, I think it made it like eight times funnier.

Really? Swastika. How do you say that? I swear to God, he's getting a fucking swastika tattooed on him right now. Swastika. That's right. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, I was horrified right before I went on stage.

I had to get Sound Guy's weed pen. And then I was like, how do you fucking say swastika? I couldn't fucking... Okay, it's swastika. It's not swastika. To no now. I'm giving out too many. I'm getting weak.

I'm getting weak. Seriously. That's fun. Your job's fun. I know. This thing's fun. I never get to do anything here. Ooh.

Ooh. Oh, no, my ass. Hit that one that says inward. Hit that one. What is all that shit on there, Red Man? Holy shit. Whoa. How did we not know this?

Oh, my God. This thing is incredible. Wow. Okay. That one's David Lucas eating potato chips. Wow. Ooh. There's so many good ones here.

Wow. This is a fun thing that we've never done before, huh? What's this one that says Red Band's favorite? Oh. Oh. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Tony, I've been meaning to ask you when we are in Boston this

weekend, can you please take me to the World Trade Center Memorial Tower they have there? That is not in Boston, William. Please. Please. Oh, my God. I want to see the memorial. You're thinking of a different city.

Are you sure? Yeah. Yeah, that happened in New York City. You know, we're having fun with, I'm having fun with the sound board for the first time. Why don't we play a game where we improvise and I play a sound and we'll pretend like you're walking outside dealing with things, okay?

But you can't look at the sound that I'm going to hit. So, like, look straight ahead, okay? All right. Here we go. Okay. What? So, like, I'm walking outside and that's the noise I'm hearing? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. All right. So, you're walking outside. How would you react to that? Do it again. Is that the face you make in a rainstorm? Yeah.

That's what a fucking rainstorm? That didn't sound like a rainstorm. Yeah, I'd be horrified if I watched out of my place. All right. You're just scared. Are you just scared of everything? What else is there? Let me see what else we have here.

This is incredible. This is so much fun. What do you think that one is? Do it again. Do it that one one more time. That was a fun one. Wow. Can you guess what that is?

Ew, a duck. You were close. That was a goose. Goose. All right. Let's see if you can guess what this one is right here. You ready? Yep.

God, don't play that fucking sound again. Seriously, don't fucking... What animal do you think that is? Oh, man. What is that? That's your mom. Oh, shit. Red Band, I've been being real fucking nice.

Yeah, Red Band's been a little bitch recently. He'll fucking up in the green room after these fucking shows. He'll start crying a fucking river about me talking about his fucking stupid ass mom. I intentionally didn't bring her fucking old ass up. I actually am. Why would you say that? It's funny you mentioned that, William. I actually have some of the audio of Red Band complaining about you making fun of his mom.

Right here. This is so much fun. I can't believe over nine years I've never really played with this. Tony, what was that when a fucking fat pig? What was that fucking boy? This is my impression of the inside of D-Madness's brain. Ready? Sonar, D.

That's sonar. Thank you. Thank you. This is my impression of the doctors when they saw the last comedian's mother's breast. Oh, you guys don't like breast cancer jokes. It's because she had breast cancer. Thank you, William. That's why that one's funny.

Thank you. Clothes. What do clothes sound like? There's a sound effect that says clothes. If I saw myself in clothes like those in it. Oh, okay. All right. This shit sucks.

It sucks down here. This is all like words, right? All right. William, what's going on in your life other than me hitting us? I have luckily been doing a bunch of cameos. I've literally broken up with like 10 people literally in the past two weeks. You have been making a good amount of money doing these cameos. That's been positive.

Very, very, very positive. People are having you, they're making requests and for a nominal fee, you will yell at people essentially in any way that they want. It can be yell at my girlfriend, break up with my girlfriend, tell my mom that the cancer is back, it could be anything. You do this in a funny way. Kill Tony fans. Love it.

Give us an example of some other weird ones that you've done recently. Well, first and foremost, I just don't want to get anything twisted. I will pretty much do everything unless you are a Jewish person. I don't know. It's some weird thing I have. I refuse to do it. If I can tell you're Jewish by the name, it's immediately. I'm not going to fucking do that.

So if you're seeing this now, yeah, I mean, I'm not going to do it. I'll do pretty much fucking everything. But if I think you're Jewish, if I have an inkling, you're Jewish. There's no fucking way I'm doing it. I've been burned too many times. I've been burned way too many fucking times. What? I'm kidding.

I've been listening to a lot of Kanye West this week. I have. I have. You're going full death con three over here. But yeah, now all kinds of stuff. A lot of fucking birthdays. A lot of, I've had a couple of memorials for people. That's always a sad one.

I always have to work myself up for that one. It can be days before I end up doing that. I mean, I hate having to tell somebody that a loved one has just died. It's the most awkward thing. It's like, who am I? Why are you getting me to fucking? I don't know. It's like a nightmare.

I'm thinking about getting off of it. I mean, if I start having to do more fucking dead people, Red Band, shut up, you dumbass. Seriously, why would you do that? That is your whore. The sound effect of only fans. All right. Well, no need to bombinate any further.

Do you know what bombinate means? No. That means to make a sustained murmuring sound. I had no idea. That's also what you call a conversation between me and the Saudi cowboy. Yes, you guys are bombinating. William, you're an absolute godsend. We love you so much.

That's the great William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen. He did it again. All right. It is time. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it one more time with me. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Wow. We started with him. We end with him. Hans, you have supposedly been getting your first tattoo this entire time.

How do you feel right now? I feel great. I kind of backed out at the last minute. Oh, okay. Wait, what? So nothing happened? Actually, I was just kidding for comedic effect. I actually got a tattoo.

Very good. First of all, before the big reveal, can you tell us the location that you chose? Yeah, upper chest. Oh, wow. Balzy move. Balzy move. Luckily, we happen to know that you're wearing a very comfortable,

flexible, new shirt from Lulu Lemon. I guess there's nothing left to do. You think it's better to reveal it, or should I ask, you know what, is there anything that you think we should know before you reveal it? What is it? What do you want? I think it's a great tattoo.

The tattooist did a great job. He told me a lot about his ex, which is... Yeah, he's not quite over it yet. It's kind of unnecessary. Much like a tattoo, she's hard to get rid of, you know what I mean? I was inside of her, so now he's been inside of me. Wow. Yes.

To think that your needle was once against her. That's incredible. Because he has an Asian penis. That's why that's funny. They have tiny penises. Ladies and gentlemen, Hans is reaching for his Lulu Lemon hoodie. He's lifting it up. Whoa!

Oh my God. Wow. Wait. Wow. That is incredible. Is that a tattoo? That is so cool. It's a lightning bolt, everybody.

It's actually my penis. Very pointy. Is that a knife? Yeah, it's the Kill Tony knife. Wow. Incredible. And now it... Right when your parents could not be any more disappointed in you, Hans.

Here you are with a... How do you feel? I feel great. I feel like I'm partly black now. Wow. That's one way of looking at it. Incredible stuff. Hans Kim, I'm so honored that you would choose the Kill Tony knife as your first ever tattoo.

What an iconic episode. The first ever tattoo in Kill Tony history. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. Amazing. You're the best, Hans. I'll see you in the airport in the morning. How loud can this place get for my amazing guest, Derek Poston and Asana Mad? Check out Spoil the Beans, the Dangerous Brown podcast, and every month they have their own show here called the Solid Comedy Show, which is indeed a very solid show.

Thank you guys so much. We love you here. We're all part of the same family. I'll see you guys later this week. Always fun. The drawing from Ryan Jebelt is in. It's absolutely ridiculously incredible. He draws every episode.

All those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. How loud can this place get for the best band in the land, the Kill Tony band? Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. The best goddamn whiskey out there. That's the great Paul Deemer on the horns. Daniel Watson on the drums. Matt Mueling on the electric. Come on, one more time for the great D-Madness.

Am I right, people? Come on. And local artist Chris Rogers was drawing the entire time that you were all sitting there. Here it comes. Whoa, fitting for this episode. That is indeed a painting of the great Hans Kim. Wow. That's wild.

We didn't even know he was going to get tattooed this episode. That's extra valuable tonight. Fun fact is that he sells those to the highest bidder after the show. So if you feel like you're kind of rich, put in a bid with Chris or someone that's richer than you is going to put in a higher bid. Because this is Texas and there's some fucking oil people amongst you, believe it or not. So much fun. Shout out to the new burger place in town. Hell yeah.

It is a... Not a damn chance. N-D-A-C. N-A-D-C. N-A-D-C burgers on Rainy Street. Absolutely incredible stuff. It's at Idol Hands. So there you go.

That's good stuff to check out. And yeah, you could stay at the Van Zand Hotel by clicking on the link that is in the description of this video. You could save 20% on a Sunday or Monday night by clicking that link. Special exclusive for Kill Tony fans here in Austin, Texas. Thank you again to the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka, Screwball, Peanut Butter, Whiskey. And to you, the live audience that makes it all possible. We love you guys. Thank you so much.

Good night everybody. Love you guys. Thanks for watching.