KILL TONY - #581 - [SKANKFEST VEGAS] DAVE ATTELL + IAN FIDANCE + ERIK GRIFFIN

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

Dave Attell, Ian Fidance, Erik Griffin, Ari Shaffir, Sara Weinshenk, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/16/2022

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, come to you live from StakeFest! Here in Los Vegas, come on! For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony! StakeFest Las Vegas, you guys ready for the best goddamn night of your lives or what? How you guys doing? Make some noise for Brian Red Band, we're here!

We're doing this shit. Fucking look at this setup, we are here at StakeFest in Las Vegas. It's beautiful, it's a real fucking StakeFest, you could tell. Look at all the people, there's a guy with fucking tattoo head right there, look at that. Just a normal old fat guy with a tattoo on his head. We got a fucking fat guy with beard, fat guy with baseball cap. Face tattoos for sure, I actually know him, how about a hand for my friend Tyra Vera everybody. That's the kind of party that we're at.

One second you're making fun of a guy for having face tattoos and then you're like, ah, I've been friends with him for 16 years. This is life, this is StakeFest, I'm excited to be here, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. This show, believe it or not, is indeed brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. The two best strip clubs on planet Earth, just so happen to be in Austin, Texas. As is Deep Eddie Vodka, one of the best goddamn vodkas on planet Earth. I mean, if you drink vodka, you might as well drink Deep Eddie. And if you like whiskey and or peanut butter, may I recommend screwball peanut butter whiskey.

Just, I mean, two great things, you can't go wrong, mix them together, do anything you want, buy it, pour it out into the toilet, I don't give a fuck, just buy it, buy it and then buy it again. They're great to us, they represent us well. We're going to have a lot of fun. Here's the rest of the sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian. And I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. November 4th and 5th, New York, New York.

December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now, get tickets while you still can. Are you guys ready to start this episode or what? I'm telling you, I don't know if you guys know this, we live in Austin, Texas now, and every single week the crowds are hot as fuck.

I mean, it's unbelievable and much, much, much hotter than that response was. So I'm gonna ask you, Vegas, Skankfest, are you ready to start tonight's episode? There you go. Your guest tonight, I'm gonna bring up two out of the three right now. Make some noise for two guys that I consider two of the best guests of this show in the history of the show. For those of you that are fans of this show, you will know that I am being honest when I say it. Make some noise for the great Eric Griffin and Ann Vidance. Your guest, Ann Vidance, veteran Kelton Black Belt, Eric Griffin.

Hello. I work well with Silly Fux, and these are two of my favorite Silly Fux on planet Earth. This is our first time meeting. This looks like a before and after right now. Yes, before and after Yo Kratom. I love it, you guys. But Ann has the record for appearances in the year 2022 on the show. This is his third appearance. Thank you. He had his first appearance three months ago. He's been on twice fucking since then.

Thank you so much for having me. I've gotten him a freaky little machine. We have a lot of fun every time he visits Texas. The fucking blade. Same thing with Eric Griffin. Lots of surprises this episode for you guys, because I love all of you. I like real fucking comedy fans. I take great pride in the fact that the people that get it get this show. So we're going to have fun.

You guys know how it works. A ton of people signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds on this stage. There's also some loose Sharpie markers in here just in case. But you know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry Fremont Street bear. What a homo that happened. Here he is right here.

Exactly. Live in the front. Wow. There's like 45 of them in this room right now. We're going to have a lot of fun here tonight. There's only one way to start a show like this though. You know I could easily go to the bucket and we could take a massive risk of not building any momentum whatsoever. Or I could bring up one of the most exciting regulars of all time. I just spent the entire week with this fucking guy.

We did 10 sold out shows in Philly and Boston. We got on an airplane in Boston this morning at 7 a.m. to be here with you. Here with a brand new minute to get things started. Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. And so we can't use copyrighted music everybody. Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. I don't fuck easy. Great stuff. That's where you would lower the music during the comedy show Red Band. Very good.

What's great is I literally asked four Skankfest staff members to make sure that Hans Kim was here, right? Five minutes into the show. I think they grabbed a random Asian guy. Well we know that never works out well for me. But hopefully it's not. I can only work with Hans Kim. We have a surprise for you. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the least professional professionals in show business.

This is Hans Kim everybody. What the fuck is that Skankfest? Good to be here. I love Skankfest because I can see the F word here. Female. My sex story's got a little confusing in California. Everyone thinks that dude fucked my pussy. But yeah I'm a lot taller than a lot of people think I am. Because I'm Asian American.

Emphasis on the American. I grew up on high fructose corn syrup and xanthan gum. They're like I don't think there's healthcare here. Give him three more extra inches. Take it up his IQ. But yeah I love Skankfest. I saw a woman in a full burka which kind of freaked me out because she could be wearing a mask and be a liberal and I'd have no idea.

But good to be here at Skankfest. I think it's funny that Tony makes fun of me so much. You know sometimes he calls me the F word. And it really hurts my feelings that's why I carry a headphone around with me and every time he makes fun of me I put it on and listen to Kill Tony. My portable Tony Hinchcliff loves me all the time. Thank you guys. What?

I didn't get that last one. What are you saying that I call you? A female. Oh okay. What? Hans are you okay right now? What's happening? Are you implying that I call you?

Hurtful names. Hurtful names. Is that true? Do I really do that? This is a fucking awkward as shit. Do I really do that? Are you trying to like paint a picture of like a brand or something like that? Well I think we know with that said the F word that you don't call him is funny. Ouch! Why? Why? Why?

I'm kidding. Look at the wheels turning on this fucking guy. I was trying to save the article. I love you. You're a great faggot. There you go. There's the word you... Oh no. I don't know if you know this.

This is the only show where I encourage you not to chant. Again, all the other podcasts they need to fill time. They don't have a format. They never took the time to build one. So they literally are hoping that you guys will fill the time. I think we take that personal. Oh sorry guys. I know you guys are four years into your podcast.

Please don't insult me and my father again. Oh I'm older than you mother fucker. Hans Kim you must love this backdrop reminding you of South Korea all over again. This is exciting. Feels like home. Yeah this is great. This is almost as flaming as Ian Fydans. Oh you said he wasn't funny. His wheels are turning like a race shot right now.

This kitten has crawls. You bring dishonor to me. Hans Kim you just... Now he got super Asian all of a sudden. Let me ask you a question. Black Adam is coming out this weekend. Do you think they'll ever be an Asian superhero? Yeah yellow Alley Wong.

Oh wow. Okie dokie. That was almost alright. Oh and Hans Kim everybody. Hans is a little bit jittery today. I don't think he's used to six hour plane rides and then having to think quick on his feet this fucking kid. He was in Boston this morning. It was great. Tell the audience.

The Boston was great. Did someone give you something? Hans doesn't say no to drugs at all by the way. So there's a good chance that somebody handed Hans anything at all. He might be on fentanyl right now. Actually I'm doing sober October which was hard because I was on tour with you Tony. And you kept threatening me.

You were like I'm going to kick you off the tour. You're so boring. Yeah it was. It was boring as fuck. I spent the whole fucking week with Hans and William. William obviously been sober for two years. Hans deciding to hang it up because he wants to get closer with Rogan. How's that going? It's going good. He's a good man.

As you can tell by the Rolex on his wrist it's going pretty good for Hans. Sweet sweet. We have Joe. He's in right now. Joe Rogan calling in live from Austin, Texas. Joe what do you think about the Legion of Skanks guys? They're frauds. Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness. Joe? Incredible. Wow. What is your favorite thing in the Skankfest universe? I love hemp protein. It's one of my favorite proteins. We sell it on it.

And how about the backdrop? What do you think of the backdrop Joe? It's the end of the world. Hans. Any parting words before we let you go on this first show? Anything you want to tell these beautiful, beautiful, ugly people here at Skankfest? I love you guys.

Please don't give me drugs because I'll probably do them. And yeah, don't make fun of me. It hurts my feelings. What happened? What a faggot. Am I right? What the hell is going on? You know what? I just realized he's got a bigger Adam's apple than you.

What's going on there, bro? I don't know what that is. That might be an egg roll stuck in his throat. Is Joe Rogan's come? Okay, there you go. A little self-deprecation there from Hans, who's a little bit wibbly one. That made the whole crowd go,

Joe, if you had to describe Hans' Adam's apple, what would you call that? Whenever I see someone who's gangy. You're fried. Do we have one of him just saying the N word for three minutes in a row? Yeah. Hans, we love you.

You're a star. I hope you get hydrated. Go have a liquid IV and get ready for the 9 p.m. show, okay? Hans Kim, everybody. There he goes. He's a sweet boy. He tried a premise out on that. I don't know what that was. He might be nervous.

Absolutely destroyed ten times throughout the week and Philly and Boston comes here for one minute set. Tony calls me the F word. Did something happen? Not even at all. That's what's crazy. Sometimes he does that though. He's done that a couple of times. Tony was mean to me,

because he thinks that it's on brand. Because I mean to people. I mean... I mean... Alright, I'm going to the bucket. You guys ready to see some crazy shit? Now, let me just tell you. I've been doing this a long time.

We do it every week in our home. We've been all around the world. Let me just warn you guys. Skankfest has an unbelievable reputation of having people that did not prepare a minute that literally are comedy fans that thought they were going to riff and that it was going to go good.

So it might happen a lot. It usually does. Let's see what happens. Your first comedian out of the bucket minds you all that you have to, no matter where you are in this building right now, you can only come up via that staircase. If you come up any other way,

they're going to take you off the stage. So it's the only way up. Everything else is a fire hazard. Your first comedian is Warren D.K. Warren D.K. Out of the bucket. Anything can happen. It could be a new legend

of the history of the show. It could be a first-timer. This is Warren D.K. Put your hands together for Warren. Be supportive. What's up, motherfuckers? I'm self-employed now. I work from home on my own boss.

It's awesome. Unlike my last job, I can't get fired for jacking off at my desk. Apparently, that's offensive to the students. Third graders, am I right? A bunch of prudes. Super sexy, though. I was jacking off the other day

and I accidentally came in my own eyeball. It was an accident. Mistakes happened. I was aiming for my mouth. I missed. I know what you're thinking, too. How did I not see that coming? I did. No more?

Believe it or not, I am in a relationship. I got a beautiful girlfriend. She's what's known as a screamer. Very loud. Very loud during sex. I don't know if you guys have ever busted a nut in an eardrum at the same time. Very painful.

Very rad. All right, Warren D.K. Wow, big pop from the crowd on that one. Yeah. I think best crowds love masturbation jokes followed by you talking about an imaginary girlfriend that doesn't exist.

48 seconds of material about jacking off and then you checked your watch to know that you had 13 seconds left and then talked about your made-up girlfriend. Warren D.K., welcome to the show. How are you? I'm great, Tony. Thank you. Absolutely.

How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up shows over the last 10 years. Everything you do is a handful, huh? Yeah. The jerk-off king of comedy, Warren D.K. Just a couple of fingers full. Incredible. All right. Past 10 years.

Yeah, I did my first open mic when I was like 21. I'm 33. Holy shit. So you've done it a hand. You do it like once every three years? Yeah, I do random open mics here and there. Okay, why? I don't know. I like this phone. Every few years?

Honestly, I'm just lazy and terrified of failure. Okay. Well, I could see why. I like how that hit with everybody in this room. Yeah. Everybody in this room just went, aww.

I totally know what he means. Warren D.K., you have a very interesting methi feature to you. Like, very, very, very light on your feet. You look like a... A sandwich, motherfucker.

I have Crohn's disease. Is that what it is? If you guys know what Crohn's disease is, it's basically just constant diarrhea. Damn, this is what his toilet looks like every time. All right. Constant diarrhea, huh? Now, why do you think

you ended up getting Crohn's? Did you do something bad when you were a kid or something like that? Like, do you think it's karma? Did you, like, kill a baby bird or something like that? It's hereditary. My dad was a piece of shit, so...

Oh, Jesus, buddy. Wow. Once again, you're hitting home. Yeah. In this crowd, dude. Your dad was your dad really a piece of shit? Isn't it funny that Crohn's disease,

ironic, isn't it, that being a piece of shit means... All right. In what way was your dad a piece of shit? Normally, people with pieces of shit dads are a lot funnier than you, by the way. Aw. Aw.

Aw. Oh, we're so tough. We wear black t-shirts and grow out our beards. Aw. He said he's dead. Fucking homeless. You guys are gayer than Hans Kim.

You know that? Jesus. Fucking Christ. So you said that your dad... You had Crohn's and your dad has Crohn's. My dad's dead, but... Dad's dead? Yeah. Oh, shit. Jesus, dude.

Everybody having a good time yet? All right, man, we get it. You're sad. Jesus Christ. Does your dad also have a nose like a sundial? Did you get that from him? That really is a curse to have a nose that big and constantly have diarrhea.

I mean, what are the odds? Yeah. I feel like you're in a very negative place. Give us something that's positive about your life. No, that's not... It is true. I do have a girlfriend. Oh, yeah? Does she go to a different Holocaust camp? You look like a survivor.

It is true. She's also a Nazi, yeah. Okay. All right, Warren. What do you do for a living? Where are you from? I live in Houston, currently. Houston? What do you do for work? Woodworking, carpentry... Oh, nice. Barton, I do a bunch of stuff.

I volunteer with a really cool program out in Texas called the TRP. We build ramps for disabled people that can't afford them. Oh, wow. Well, we could have really used you when Michael Lair was on the show. We had a lot of trouble. We had a high stage at Vulcan. All right.

I like this first joke. That was like the misdirects about the kids, and then like you got to laugh and you like really drove it home and everyone got like weirded out. I actually never told any of those jokes, so I appreciate that. Oh, we can tell. Yeah, I know.

Warren D.K. When's the last time you performed? Oh, sure. I can't remember. Probably like a year ago. I signed up for your show a couple of times in Austin, but I had never gotten pulled. I didn't open mic out there maybe like six months ago. What's the craziest thing about your life? What do you think sets you apart from everybody else

in this room? I can fuck my own ass. I can strip my own dick and my own asshole. Wow. How many of you think we should have him do that right now? I mean... Oh, yeah. Humble, Brad.

You know what I mean? I don't think we can do that, but... I'll show you later, Tony. I know you're at. Thank you. I don't know if it's D.K. or Obligatory Tony Hinch Cliff Gage out there. I feel like that's his street trick on Fremont Street to get a puppy.

It is interesting. So you take your own flaccid penis. Yeah, it's got to be flaccid. Right. Oh, you think? And then when it gets into your ass, does it start to get hard? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. There you go. Sometimes it's like clenched or not, you know? Wow. After he has diarrhea, he puts it back there. He's like, oh, my God, you're so wet. How did you... How did you learn that?

Did you do it as, like, to cork it up so the diarrhea would not come out? Like, how'd you figure this out? It's like, you got a wet boy pussy. I saw a guy in YMH who can shove his balls in his ass. And I had really tiny balls, it didn't work. Oh, tiny balls.

Look at you. So you're just all dick, that's what you're saying? I'm one dick tiny balls. All right. Wet ass. A wet ass pussy. Yeah. He listens to the song up until the pussy part

that he stops at. It's just wild. Because you got... Because you got a wet ass ass. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the Kill Tony debut of Warren DK, everyone. And back to the bucket we go.

Hey, Warren, turn around. Here's a little joke book for you. Shove it up your ass, there you go. Warren DK, everyone. Come on, give him a hand. I love it. We're gonna fucking go back to this bucket. You guys haven't fun yet?

You understand how the show works? There's your perfect example of the Skankfest bucket pool. The guy's done stand-up four times in 13 years. So that's very exciting. Okay, this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Cory Duga. Cory Duga.

Here on Kill Tony. Come on, people, make some noise. It could be somebody's first time. Could be a real pro. Anything can happen. One more time for Cory, everybody. What's up, skanks? Thank you.

First time caller. First time on a stage, my bad. I was expecting to feel a little good about myself coming to my first Skankfest. But looking at some of you guys and put me in my place, I tell you. I had a couple of conversations

where I thought I was gonna have the upper hand. Oh, yeah, I look better than this guy feeling myself, but they let me know. Oh, no, I make more money than you. That's the equalizer. Damn it, I need to start making more money.

Frickin', I'm not tall enough, so that's not gonna... I'm not gonna get a girl that way. So... Anyway, I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I wish I could, man.

But, uh... Guys, we don't tackle at this show, you fucking pussies. If you had the courage to sign up, then you wait your turn. If you didn't, you shut the fuck up. You don't break the tension in this show. Unfortunately for you, Cory,

I'm gonna add another 15 seconds to your set, because you got rudely interrupted. I'm pretty sure you have nothing left to say anyway, but I'm still... I want you to feel the silence that you deserved up there. So 15 seconds extended for me to Cory. Here we go.

I don't think you understand what the fuck I just said, so... Very funny. Okay, Cory. Do something. Wish I had more to say. Uh... I, uh... I thought I had a good voice,

but apparently I can't even freaking project. My bad, bro. My bad. Fucking, uh... Sometimes I get a lot of phone calls at my job, so I answer. Okay. Did you have something? Were you just starting a sentence?

Hoping 15 seconds to be... You know what? In hindsight, yeah, it was a sentence. I love it. Cory, welcome to the show. That was fucking horrible. Welcome. But how about a hand? It's his first time doing it. Oh, my... Hopefully his last time doing it as well.

Cory, welcome. Where are you from? La Puente, California. That's L.A. County. You really got it. You got to put the mic... L.A. County, my bad. L.A. County. Now, that's an interesting answer. Uh... What part of the county exactly? Like, uh...as...fucking close

as you could get a San Bernardino before it's not L.A. anymore. Okay. Okay. It's kind of like a lot of brown over there. It's... Yes, I know. I went there for a very long time to work, and then immediately drove

as fast as I could back to where I would in West Hollywood, with the rich, gay whites. I've never seen a sad cholo. That was... Yeah, it really is incredible. I mean, this was an episode of MS13 Reasons Why. A sad cholo.

He doesn't have a teardrop tattoo. He has the real thing. Why do you think you're such a sad cholo, Cory Duga? I got a little dick, man. It can't even fit to my asshole. I don't even know what the last guy had. My ass is always dry,

like my sense of humor. Yeah, no. All that's true. Is this the hardest thing you've ever done? I feel like this is like your struggling right now, even to be there. The nerves really work frickin' up when Tony tells you

to not sign up if you're not prepared. Don't do it. Unfortunately, I say that after the buckets filled the name, so we have a little bit of tweaking to do before the 9 p.m. show. So, literally, the people that help with the sign-ups can say,

like, you know, if you are literally just gonna go up there and bomb. But this is the thing. I apologize. Okay, Cory, let's talk about your fucking life. Let's figure it out. What do you do for work? I am a security guard.

You are a security guard. Where are you a security guard at? Places that only people the size of the last comedian go? It's like, oh, I don't want to fuck with that guy. You can't even hear him. Stop what you're doing. Stop.

Get over from that. Hey, man, you steal something. I'm gonna kill myself, eh? She's no joke, man. Oh, for real. Oh, man. Cory, where are you a security guard at? I work, uh...

Louder, you son of a bitch. You are the most quiet Latino I've ever heard in my life. How come none of the Latinos I ever lived in an apartment building with are this quiet? Jesus Christ. Where's my inner anger when I need it?

I'm telling you, because I have two modes. It's sad and angry. That's it. Yeah, I'm either Joker mode or local mode. You don't want to see me when I local. You're just going to your bag of Latino shit right now. Oh, yeah.

You're like, finally! He's a security guard at a monastery, you know what I mean? Where is that? Yeah. I work for a Fortune 500 company like their... their campus, their business campus.

I work for them. I think of a family do you have. I just live with my mom and dad. You live with your mom and dad. How old are you? I am... I am recently 32. Recently 32.

Okay. Well, you're saving money? I don't know. Well, his parents don't have to worry about him being loud. You know what I mean? Yeah, they don't even know he still lives there. Yeah.

Do you fuck this quietly too? I don't fuck. Okay. Let's get this guy laid. A lot of comedians kill themselves. This is the rare comedian that makes everyone else want to kill themselves. This is incredible.

Yeah. I mean, even the guy that spent 52 seconds talking about masturbating, we found out in the last 8 seconds, he's fucking. Yeah. It's his own ass, but... You know what I mean?

Corey, what do you mean you don't fuck? Let's talk about it. Well, I mean, as you could tell, my quiet, somber nature, I don't really hit it off with girls. Are you on any dating apps? Do you ever go out? Do you ever try?

No. What do you mean no? No to it all. When's the last time you kissed a girl? And did you like it? Thank you. Thank you so much, Sky Fast. Yes, but it was a pity kiss.

So, no, I didn't like it. It was a what? It was a pity kiss. When was this? It was by, like, a girl I used to talk to in high school. Two or three years ago. What is going on with you?

Are you a virgin? It's been that fucking long. I might as well be a virgin, yeah. How long has it been since you had sex with a girl? Tell the truth. High school. I'm 32, yeah. Oh. That's okay.

That'll come up and give this a real kiss. Let's give it a leave. It's been since fucking high school. This is Sky Fast. I like to make dreams come true. He seems like a good guy. He seems clean. He seems well manicured.

Anybody. There has to be one girl out there. Sorry, Ty, no boys. There has to be one girl out there that's willing to come up here. We need a hero. I'm going to be Tyra Burrell with a red cap. Come on.

There has to be one badass chick out there that's willing to make this whole crowd go crazy right now. We literally have the world's saddest comedian here. Hold on a second. What is this? Hearing the crowd pop a little bit.

What's happening? Ha, ha, ha. Bro! Yo! Oh! Oh! That's what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah!

Okay, okay, okay. Did you like it? Look at him. Look how fucking happy he is right now. Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! I think it's a big buck.

Corey, your entire demeanor has changed. I bet you're even louder now, aren't you? Yeah. Probably not, but... Oh, jeez. I'm going to be honest. I just jizzed in my pants, man. Are you trying to stay still

so your boner doesn't show? I have a witness. I feel like you're all like, oh shit, calm down. It's all new to me. I don't know what I feel anymore. That was a pretty fucking little thick tattooed hot chick. How did that make you feel?

Tell us, describe what you feel on the insides, Corey. I feel... I feel... I feel... fulfilled. Corey Duga just made his Kill Tony debut.

It's his first time on stage. And Eric says you get a big joke bug. You got to get a big bug, man. He's all made by the great Boneside. Wow. What was that girl's name, man? Give it up for the girl. What was the girl's name? You got it? Jess.

G-E-S-S. How loud can this please get for Jess right now? That's what the fuck I'm talking about. Wow. That was a crazy thing. So Jess, I haven't gotten a blow job since high school. And we're not surprised

by the fucker. So there you go. Incredible. Back to the bucket we go. We've had somebody who's done it 12 times in 15 years. We've had someone that has done it one time ever. How about one more time

for the quiet Latino Corey Duga? A lot of newbies here tonight. And, well, well, well, will you look at this? Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a newbie whatsoever. This man is one of my favorite comedians on Planet Earth here to work out

a new minute of material. Make some noise for Ari Shafir, everybody. What the fuck? Holy shit. Oh my god! It's really him! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Live in the flesh! Make some noise for Ari Shafir! Thanks. Do I just start? How do I do this? OK. Hey, I don't know if you guys ever adopted a dog. But, uh, I'm talking about you, Ian. Uh...

They always show the back story of these dogs that you adopt from the shelters. They always tell you about the fucking origin stories. They're always like, you know, he was beaten every day. Uh, he was left for dead on the side of the road and then somebody found him and kicked the shit out of him every day for the last three years.

Please, please adopt Sparks. Here's my question. How do they know that? Who's dropping off the dog? I go like, hey, I just don't have time to beat the shit out of this dog anymore, but... I did beat the shit out of him every single fucking day.

I mean, but my fists are so fucking bruised up from punching this dog in her fucking bitch face. I just can't do it anymore. So I'm hoping you guys find some other home for this dog to get the shit beat out of him. And they're like, we're gonna find it a good home. Like, well, that's not what I wanted at all.

Well, you do whatever you want. His name is Sparks and he's a bad fucking dog. It's never, it's never anything real. It's never like, uh, we had a kid and he was allergic, so... You know, take a dog. They're praying under sympathy. You know?

They're always like, uh, we spit in his eye every fucking Thursday. Someone held his eye open and just fucking hooked a fucking, one of those juicy fucking thick loogies right into his fucking eye. The dog would whimper and that just made him spit even harder.

Please, would someone adopt Callie? This is a wonderful dog. Someone should adopt her. You cannot have kids and children in the same room around this dog. It will attack one of those two things. But he does need a good home. I was just wondering, it's never like,

I don't know, we found him on the road, he's a cute dog. He knows how to sit already. Am I done with my minute? Sorry, I didn't hear the meow. You're such a professional, you accidentally did two minutes and 15 seconds, sorry. I was waiting for that meow. I was fucking extending there.

It was quiet, you were getting big laughs. A rare treat when someone gets laughs so hard that they can't hear the meow. Did you do it? Yeah, you're really good at this. The dog overcame the meow. It cancelled out. I love it. How about another hand for

the great Ari Shafir, huh? Ari! Ari here, working out a minute. I think maybe, you know, that's great, there's nothing for me to make fun of. I could call you a Jew a thousand different ways. Why don't you tell these people, because this is a show about stand up,

how do you come up with material? Do you sit down and, like, sit at a desk with a piece of paper? Do you wait until you see real-life stuff and then start a premise? Do you write on stage? Yeah, that's good. Well, I learned from my, you know, my mentors when I started the comedy store, I saw a lot of

really great comics doing it, so what I do is I sit in the back of the room with a notebook, like my mentor, Carlos Mencia, and I just write down everything these comics have said. I've found it's an endless source of material that just never stops giving,

and it's really worked out for me over the years, so all these young comics, take note. The next comics is going to come up here and talk about rescue dogs. I love it, Ari. Dude, I don't want to do one minute on this podcast since the fucking beginning, so it's in the

belly room with fucking Iron Man up there. Crazy, right? I kept thinking of putting my name in there, so finally. Yeah. Yeah, no, I love it, and it's been almost 10 years since then, and... Damn, I've liked you for four of those.

I love it. Ari, what else is going on in the world? Anything else you want to talk about to these people, or any... I just got here today. You have any fucking insight on the festival? Las Vegas? Oh, well, there's some lovely people out on Fremont Street. Yeah.

It's a beautiful place, with beautiful people. Yeah, I saw the oddest looking fat old Iron Man that I've ever seen before in my life out there. Here's a fun story. We filmed Big J, Okerson Special right over there, yesterday. Awesome. And I don't clap, it's a bad person.

But afterwards, we were going out to do some pickup shots out in Vegas with the lights behind us, we had this cool camera with these lights and we were like, so we were walking behind where Jelly Roll would play just near that area, and some fucking hick just goes, are you Jelly Roll? To J. Okerson.

And he goes, no, I'm not Jelly Roll. And they're like, come on, you'll be a modest. They for sure thought Big J, Okerson was Jelly Roll. And it was just hanging out somewhere in the audience before he goes up. Jelly Roll's fucking

lame cousin, Jambon. Ladies and gentlemen, joining the panel, what I believe is the greatest comedian on toilet earth, the number one my favorite comedian in the world. Tony Mattel.

Number 12. Thank you very much. Thank you. Wow. The demeaning music didn't really help, but where were you already, so something happened with the camera?

Oh yeah, me and J were out taking pictures on a judgment, Dave. Tony, thank you for letting me once again be a part of your traveling Ponzi scheme. Will you take people's dreams

and turn them into crypto cash? I don't know how you do it. That's true. They just keep signing up for it. It's amazing. I'm very, very lucky. I'm honored that you would join us, Dave. Thank you so much for coming and hanging out with us. Thanks for having me.

I'm going to go through the bucket. We just found this brand new comedian by the name of Ari Shafir. Oh, it's been a dream of mine to go up here and have David Tell on the panel, including these four ulcer rams. It's really a wonderful moment for me. Ari and I got to hang out with Roger

Waters last Thursday until like six in the morning. It was absolutely insane. The creative force behind Pink Floyd who's been performing in football stadiums for over 50 years and famously doesn't hang out with anyone, hung out with us.

And at one point we were talking about, how do I put this, the Israel-Palestine conflict and I said, yeah, really, really scary people over there. Anybody that looks like this you got to be careful around and we all laughed and then

Roger goes, that's not funny. I like Ari Ari looks like if they held the Holocaust in a skate park. If Nordstrom's had ovens that's what I...

Ladies and gentlemen making his Kill Tony debut there goes Ari Shafir everybody. It makes some noise for Thank you Ari. What an honor. My new special is out November 2nd I think. Ari Shafir Ju

available only on YouTube. Have a good one. We will all watch it. There he goes. Should we go back to this bucket, huh? Actually I pulled a name out and said Ari's name so we'll go with this person but I pulled out a second ago.

Make some noise for your next comedian. Jeremiah Willis everybody. Gator, Jeremiah Willis Gator it says. See what happens here. Here we go. Jeremiah Willis Gator. Oh hell yeah. Here he is everybody.

Make some noise. Jeremiah Willis Gator. Alright. How y'all doing? So I like older women cougars I like them because they get straight to the point especially when they come down to sex they don't have no time to play games.

I was messing with this old lady and she used to smoke which I don't like women that smoke so I said fuck it. You know I forgot the joke but I'm gonna keep going. But anyway one night I was standing over there to go see what that mouth do and uh

she said let me finish the cigarette baby and I got you. I don't know if anybody in here ever got here from somebody that just got finished from smoking a menthol cigarette but that shit is quite refreshing. I felt like I stuck my dick into a York Peppermint Patty or some shit.

That shit happened over 20 years ago and I still get chills. Wow Look at that. I already built some fucking momentum here. Jeremiah Willis Gator Welcome to the show my friend.

How long you been on stand up? About a year and 7 months. Where at? Mainland Vegas I knew that before too. Absolutely I love that club. I performed there. It is great. Small, low ceilings, fucking fun stuff.

So a year and a half. How do you make a living? I'm a truck driver for Pepsi. Really? A truck driver for Pepsi. Thank you for your service. How long you been driving trucks for Pepsi for? Probably about 3 months now.

Specifically Pepsi? Or just all Pepsi products? Little Sierra Mist in there? Yeah, all that shit. You have a personal favorite? Like for what? Pepsi products? Nah, I don't drink Pepsi. That shit is disgusting.

Okie dokie. Alright, we're getting word. Jeremiah just got fired from his job. What did you do before that? I was at the other time. Played steel drums on Tremont Street? Nah, man. Selling Coke.

You got all your racial jokes ready, huh? Selling Coke. Look at this. This guy loves Cola products. You're from Vegas born and raised? Not from New Orleans. Ok, how'd you end up out here? Just wanted a different change of scenery.

Ok, and you've been here like a year and a half? Two years? Coming up on four years. It's a comedy show, not a parole hearing. Give the guy a break. He lives here, he's got a job. He wants to be a comic. What's the Senate hearing here?

That wants to make it. Right, right, right. I have to interview them to get information from them. I love it. Jeremiah, your family is all back in New Orleans. Do you have a girlfriend out here? Yeah, I do. In New Orleans.

And you brought her with you? Yeah, I should have left her. What makes you say that? I just should have, man. A lot more women in Vegas. You still have an active sex life with her? Yeah. I get in them guts pretty often, man, so...

Well, that's a winning endorsement. Sounds like it used to be good. Sounds like you got that Hurricane Katrina pussy going on over there, right? It was one soaking wet, now it's all dried up and empty. Nah, it's pretty wet, man. Right. Very good. How wet is it?

Everything you say is funny. You just have a funny, like, even when you were doing your set, you forgot your joke, you kept talking. I thought that was great. Thank you, man, I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure, man. Just naturally, you're very, very funny. I love it.

Indeed. Not only does he drive the Pepsi, he also runs the Joules. You have any other special skills or talents? I'm a failed rapper. Really? Can you give us a little freestyle? Now that you've set the bar pretty low, perhaps we could just get a couple of lines here.

Eric Griffin pretending like he's blacker than he actually is. I know, right? My mom beatboxes better than this. Doing the old light-skinned beatbox. Yeah, oh, 80s style. Thank you, Dave. Hit it, Dave, hit it! You got one lyric for us?

Dog, I got guns that'll crack your back. First nigga in the hood to sell fat-free crack. Nick. Okay. All right, short and sweet. What's that? Short and sweet. Short and sweet.

Short and sweet. Short and sweet. Short and sweet. That was rapping. Was that a rap song or just your to-do list? Oh, man. Oh, my goodness. I like him too.

I didn't even know they're shutting me out. The mic... Who's working this out here? Okay, yes, thank you so much. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at Skankfest, everybody? We're working it out. Switching batteries. Doing it. We're doing a good job, buddy.

Hell yeah. All right, there he goes. The first comedian also works sound here, everybody. Very good. Jeremiah, anything else crazy we need to know about your life before I let you go? Not nothing. It's a boring, regular life, man.

But I do have a partner I wanted to tell you about. He's your friend too. Your partner? Yeah, that's how I actually met you was through him. And I really won't name drop, so I'm going to just say DL, man. DL. The infamous DL. The infamous DL.

David Lucas. Okay, see your friends with David Lucas. Yeah, that's my boy. Okay, how do you know David? We actually met during a pandemic roasting and shit. You know, everything was online. Roasted online with him, and we've just been cool ever since, man. What did you say to him?

Well, I just told him he looked like he used to be retarded. Beautiful. Well written, my friend. This guy's great. I love him. It doesn't get much better than that. Jeremiah Willis, why do they call you Gator before I let you go? Because it says Jeremiah Willis, and then in parentheses it says Gator. An older dude gave me that name.

He told me I was mean like an alligator. So it... Okay. Yeah, nothing too complicated. What, G-A-Y? Funny, funny. Jeremiah Willis, thank you so much for signing up. Thank you for coming on this show.

Jeremiah, take one of these. Yo, Jeremiah Willis Gator, everybody. There he goes. That was great. All right, back to the fuck that we go here. Make some noise for... Wow, we know this young man, he lives in Austin, Texas. He moved there recently after spending his entire life in South Carolina.

Works the door at Vulcan. Ladies and gentlemen, Yonder Wizard is here. This guy. Wow. You know what the difference is between a crocodile and an allegation? Crocodiles are real. Oh. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Hello, sir, I just moved in in the neighborhood. I'm required by law to make my presence known. If you wouldn't mind signing this form so that I could return it to the courthouse tomorrow by noon, I'd greatly appreciate it. I noticed a swing set in the backyard. Unrelated. So I was a pretty big Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan as a kid.

You guys fuck with the turtles? I was also a pretty big Bill Cosby fan as a kid, so I'm definitely afraid and I'm going to wake up one day to find out that the Ninja Turtles raped 54 women. Absolutely. Only one minute. Yonder coming in, showing how it's done. Beautiful set.

I really like that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joke. Thank you, Tony. Absolutely. I had some friends that were, you know, when I started some Die Hard Bill Cosby fans, and it was very fun to make fun of them when the old multiple rape thing happened. Yeah, that kind of put a damper on the whole thing. Yeah.

Yeah, a damper. What a bummer that was. So 54 is a bummer. Yeah, 53 maybe, but 54, man. Come on, dude. What are you doing with your life? Yonder Wizard, you are a big, beautiful man. Thank you, Tony.

Have you always looked like this? No, actually, I used to do P90X and shit and eat fucking chicken breasts and egg whites. What the fuck happened? Fucking, I got tired. Fuck that, dude. You're gonna warn this guy in the front row. This is the ghost of Christmas future for you right now.

Yeah, dude. P90XXXL. I like you. You have like a Mitch Hedberg vibe to you. Ah, thanks, man. I like the one-liners. Another one. No, no, no. I mean, like the one-liner process of like, if you don't like this one.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I take it back. God damn it. I love it. Yonder, tell us something about you that we don't know. You've been on this show in Austin, Texas a few times. Tell these people here it's gang fest, a fun fact about you. I died three times when I was eight years old after falling off the back of a moving vehicle.

Oh, is the vehicle's name heroin? Yes. I fell off the back of the heroin truck. How did this happen? How did you fall off the back of a vehicle? Selling a world's finest chocolate. Fuck world's finest chocolate. But I was selling that.

I was walking to the house that's farthest from mine and I was a fat kid and my aunt was like, hey, jump on the back of the car. It was a car. It was on a trunk and I just fell off and had an aneurysm. So I've had brain surgery. That would explain it. And I died three times in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Wow. That's incredible. Do you remember that? Did you see anything? What did you see? I don't remember. I remember going to sell the chocolate and then I remember waking up in the hospital a few days later. I was in a coma for a few days. Okay. All right. Not the most riveting content, I realize.

You died as a child and now you're dying up here as an adult. And then fucking Hagrid died on my birthday Friday. Really? Yeah. That's incredible. What, is that your hero? Well, I didn't look like this until I saw Harry Potter,

but it's unrelated. I just cut my own hair. Now that's all I see is Hagrid. I know. Yeah. Harry, what are you doing here? You're a wizardian. Harry, you're very cuddly.

I like it. Thank you. Yonder, what else about you? We've talked with you quite a bit. I'm trying to figure out, other than dying, what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now? A head. I eat strictly hot dogs.

I microwave H-E-B hot dogs and eat them wiener only with ketchup. Wow, I am hard as a rock right now. I don't know about you guys, but. Those quarter pound H-E-B wieners. How many hot dogs do you eat a day? Four at a time. Probably, I don't know, it depends. Eight to twelve, if I'm hitting it hard.

You know, if I don't do the water burger or the peteries. How do you do that with your feet? I'm limber for my size. I like it. That is a lot. Tony, are you good? Your jokes were so strong, buddy. Thank you so much.

Now, I assume that you, before you tell them to the crowd, you tell them to a skeleton that was your mother. Yes. I do. Go ahead. What else does he eat? What's in your refrigerator? It was a dating game in the 70s.

Did they ask that back then? I don't know. If you could be any style of shoe, what would you be? Aw, man. Brogan. Let me ask you something. You and the black guy, you drove a truck across country, right? We did.

He drove, I drank the Pepsi. I love it. Now, you're in town. What are you going to do? When I'm who? I see you selling guns in a hotel room. Yeah, I'm, I got a room at the Mandalay. I see you gently laying guns out on a bed.

I call this one Samantha. Literally triggered. Buddy, your jokes are good. Aw, you're just ruining that whole. There was a roll going. Aw, man. I'm sorry. I don't know my own strength.

I've been eating fucking edibles, dude. I don't do shit. I'm sober. I'm fucking boring. I don't do anything but smoke weed. And I've eaten a lot of fucking edibles this weekend. I don't know what to tell you. You're not sober if you're eating edibles.

Well, you know what I mean. You put THC in hot dogs? Yes. He's Austin sober. Yeah, I'm Austin sober. That's good. Well, no, I don't do Coke. No, but you do do hot dogs.

Yonder, you came up here. You had a great set. You did exactly what people hope to do when they sign up for the show. You executed it perfectly. Yonder Wizard. Thanks, guys. Great job, Yonder.

We have a special treat for you guys right now. Here to perform a new minute, you guys know that we've had regulars on this show absolutely forever. A lot of you may not have made it so far back into the bank of episodes of the show to know that your next comedian is one of the first ever regulars

in the history of the show. She was performing brand new minutes every single week, nine and a half years ago. Now she's a full-time comedian. Make some noise. A new minute from the great Sarah Weinstein. Yeah! What's up, Shankfest?

Oh, yeah, I call it Shankfest, baby. I don't know if you guys know this, but a lot of celebrities have fragrances. Billie Eilish has a fragrance. Beyonce has a fragrance. I started thinking, how come comedians don't have fragrances? And it's because we're not sexy enough?

Like, no one wants to smell like Amy Schumer. If Amy Schumer had a fragrance, it would smell like hot dogs and other people's jokes. Whoo! If Joe Rogan had a fragrance, it would smell like elk and jalapenos. If Carlos Mencia had a fragrance, it would smell like elk and jalapenos.

Johnny Depp has a fragrance called savage, pronounced savage. If Crystalia had a fragrance, it would be called underage. If Louis C.K. had a fragrance, it wouldn't smell like anything, it just would squirt you in the eye. Thank you.

Sarah Weinstein. How cool. Her first appearance in years on the show. Absolutely amazing. I love it. How about one more time for Sarah, everybody? So cool. Sarah, tell us, how's life? Life is so good.

I'm having so much fun. It's getting fast. Kim and I were just in New York. We just opened for Joey Diaz. It was so much fun. Yeah, we had a great time at Sony Hall. And yeah, I have my podcast This Bitch with Kim, and then I have my solo podcast, Shank.

Yeah, you're fucking doing it. You're out there living the dream. You were on Rogan's podcast, what, seven years ago? In 2014. 2014, yep. That's fucking long time ago. A while ago. Wow, incredible.

So what else is going on? You live in LA or New York? I live in LA. Okay, I could tell. Sunglasses on stage. Yeah, sunglasses on stage. I got earrings that say princess. You know who I am.

An LA bitch. Wine Shank, you are Jewish. Yep. How's life going for you? As a Jew? As anything, sure. What was that set up? I thought, so you're a Jew?

I thought when he said that, the crowd was going to turn around. Is that the code here? Life as a Jew is great, baby. Right. I got last gang fest, I got an 818 tattoo, but it was bad. So I covered it up because it looked like a holocaust tattoo. Oh, no. And as a Jew, you can't be doing that.

Right. No, 100%. We were all very, very close with the late, great Brody Stevens. Wow. Yeah. Multiple time guests on the show. Super friend of us. Valley.

Yeah. Legend, much like yourself. 818. You got it. There he is right there. There he is. All right. Well, that's always a little bit sadder than I expected to be.

If you smelled like a fragrance, what would it be? Wine steak. What's that? Interesting. I think it would be like weed and something woodsy. Hala bread. Yeah, weed and hala. Cache.

Weed and latkes. Yes. Coins. Coins. I love it. I love it. Wine shank. You're absolutely doing it.

I cannot explain to you how cool I think it is that you, Kim, Ali, everybody's just working all the time, doing their podcasts, making a living in the business. We watched you guys all grow up. So fucking cool. Amazing minute. Love it. Very on theme. Comedy festival.

Comedy jokes. Fucking amazing. Sarah Wine shank, everybody. Yeah. Legendary. Those girls were doing new minutes every single week, which is a scary job for anybody to do. And it's fucking legendary shit.

How about one more time for Sarah, huh? All right. Back to the bucket we go. Your next comedian. This guy's also from Austin, Texas. We know him well. Make some noise for Mike Eaton, everybody. A new minute from Mike Eaton.

Mike Eaton. Here he comes, everyone. One more time for Mike, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Eaton. Hello. I got to throat fuck. Pretty cool. I've been waiting a long time.

I'm not particularly well endowed. I have a small penis, but I am funny. You don't get both. But I was visiting my grandma at the Alzheimer's unit. And everyone there was born in the 20s and 30s. I don't know how much you know about the Great Depression, but they weren't making this model yet. Didn't have the food for it.

You see a fat guy back then, you got to get him. So I'd go see her and a bunch of ladies would get wet for the first time in 40 years. Got a hard candy and a soft mouth. And I found a lady there who had installed an access port with 50 years of cigarettes right here. Let me get that bit. So I throat fucked. It was pretty cool.

You guys cheered for that. Don't you feel bad? I came. It came out of her nose. It's going to tish you out of your purse, Nana. I'm trying to say, if you don't answer your grandparents' texts, I'm going to fuck them. That's me. Thanks.

Wow. Mike Eaton. Yeah. It's good stuff. Hello? Yeah. Hello. What's up, honey?

How are you? Wonderful. How are you today? Is it hard doing comedy and parking cars at Astro Land? What do you do during the day, buddy? Eat. Eat? Yeah.

I see you as a children's clown in a hospice. Are you? You've got a great energy. You're on your way out, honk honk. You've got a great energy. Why a hospice? The kids are going to die? Yeah.

That's the joke. It's a nice play out. I'll bring up a donut. Did you really fuck a hole in a woman's throat? No. No. You look like you would. Yeah, for sure.

That'd be cool. I could easily see you going from the cake to the trach. You know what I'm saying? It's so good. You've got a great energy, and the crowd picked up on her right away. What keeps you going, buddy? I want to know what it is. It's the most exciting thing in the world.

Skatefest has been the coolest experience. Really? I got to try a white claw out of a guy's prosthetic leg yesterday. No way. Really? That's real. Really? Or is this like the time you told us that you fucked a tree?

This is after the meow. It's real. I got a thumbs up for Mione. He actually drank white claw out of somebody's what? His prosthetic leg. Did it smell? It did. It did.

This white claw smells like a white thigh. Gangereed, the ultimate plum in comedy. The old belly button of the leg. Yeah. What did it smell like? What did it taste like? Have you ever cleaned your belly button? Oh, man.

Sure. That. Unlike you, Mike, when I clean my belly button, I don't taste what comes out of it afterwards. You ever find snacks in there? No. Okay. I think you and I have two different sized belly buttons. For sure.

Yeah. I could put like a car key in mine. I think it's deep enough to do. Oh, yeah. I don't think anyone could fuck it. That would be sad for them. Mike, how long even would it stand up? A little over four years.

And how do you make money to be able to survive? I sell shit with logos on it. What? Yeah. It's very boring. I don't. Old people, they need like bags and shirts and shit to promote their businesses and I sell it to them.

Yep. Have you ever thought about yours? You seem like a guy that specializes in marketing. Now that you've drank out of someone's prosthetic leg, have you thought about perhaps making that a beverage like brand new state of the art drink called like amputee or something like that? I would fuck it. Okay.

I thought that was better than what you gave me. We could make it an edible. It'd be like knee-HC. I don't know. Get high on it. All right. That sucked. Uh-huh.

All right. Mike Eaton. So, love life. Let's talk about it. You have a girlfriend? I'm divorced. Okay. Yeah.

Where did you get divorced? Like two months ago. Two months ago. So this is a fresh divorce. Congrats. Yeah. And you're still smiling like that? I can't believe it.

I know. I'm pretty hot. Did you leave her? Did she leave you? Come on. That's really insulting. What? I'm asking.

I'm more of a stationary guy. She didn't believe it. Yeah, I think so. No. We decided she didn't want to be second place to comedy, and I didn't want to sacrifice passion. So I wanted to keep doing this. If you're going to make me choose between comedy and you, I'm going to pick comedy because

I picked me. Right. Wow. Absolutely. Wow. Well, that's your side of it. Yeah. She was right.

Her side of things is I have a small dick. Right. Yeah. Well, you showed her. You're out here drinking white claw out of a guy's amputated leg. She's guzzling cum out of a black cock somewhere. I hope she is. She deserves it.

There you go, buddy. So how long were you married for? A year and a half. A year and one. We met during the pandemic, did a bunch of drugs and got married 60 years ago. And got married 64 days after we met. Cute. Yeah.

So I was like, yeah, love. And then later it was like, oh no. Yeah. Oops. So then you got divorced. Have you been with somebody sexually since the divorce two months ago? No. I'm waiting for like the paperwork to be done just to be respectful.

Sure. Geez. Oh, that's the reason. Good one. Good one. Yeah. Saying she's drinking cum out of a black dick. I want to be respectful.

I hate to disrespect. I don't want to be disrespectful to my old bitch. Wow. So when you do do something, what are you in the market for? What type of, what do you think you're looking for here? Anything that will fuck you? Yeah, that sounds right. Is there a specific shape or size that you're into?

Is there like a weird quirk that you have with women? Anything specific? I like dumb tattoos. Ooh. I think dumb tattoos are hot on ladies. Oh shit. Wow. She shook her head so fast.

Yeah. I mean, I can't touch it. You said dumb tattoos and she made a lot of life choices right here. Come on, lady. You don't want to fuck John Wayne Gacy's grandson? John Wayne Gacy's day parade blimp? That's why he's the guest of the year, rookie of the year, 2022. Incredible.

Mike Eaton, a great set. I absolutely loved it. I loved it. Some Austin people are coming up here and really showing how it's done. Great stuff. You did it again. Welcome to Skankfest. We'll see you back home.

Good job. Mike Eaton. Buddy, we'll see you later at the Denny's. Hey, I got to go, Tony. Thanks for having me, buddy. I appreciate it. Dave, that's the title. To kill Tony fans or the ultimate fans.

Thank you, Dave. Guys, I'll see you again. Be safe. Please, please for the love of God. This is the best comedian on planet Earth right now. Make some fucking noise for David Tell. God damn. Look at that.

Touched by an angel. The great David Tell. Your next comedian goes by the name of Keith Bergeron, everybody. Keith Bergeron. Straight out of the bucket. Keeping it moving along. Anything can happen. Could be his first time.

Might be his 5,000 set. Here he is, everybody. One more time for Keith Bergeron, everybody. First of all, I'm a Pepsi addict. I have the tattoo to prove it. So fuck you earlier. Just saying. So gravity's funny, right?

As we get older, our tits sag. Our ears get bigger. Our nose gets bigger. Like everything just seems to go down. Except our dicks, right? Our dicks fucking don't get any bigger. Never, ever. It's like a cruel joke, like God's a woman.

But if God was a woman, would she let those big titties bounce off her knees as she's walking? Probably not. So I played pool. Had some friends at my house the other day. And smoking in my car. Smoking with a friend. Go ahead, finish it. Okay.

Smoking with a friend. I pass it to him. He's in my passenger seat. And I happened to look in my side mirror. And another kid had come upstairs. And he was taken abyss. And his dick was like seven inches soft. And I was just like, what the fuck?

So he's called 9.5 now. He's on my pool team. It says. Yeah, we gotta cut you off. You gotta do a minute 30. I tried to stretch it out for you. Hey man, I've heard it said before, but comedians are the modern day philosophers. He's got a microphone.

He's already got his backpack. This guy's hoping we just do a catch and release here right now. No, honestly. You have to come up here and take your medicine, my little friend. I just want to make sure that I'm ready to leave. So you guys can keep going with the show. I have so many questions for you, so I'm talking right now, Keith. First of all, every time you start talking, your eyes start to shut.

Why is that? That's because I got the booster shot in January. Bell's palsy. Bell's palsy on the left side. So it's coming back. Like I can smile. I can lift like my eyebrows kind of. So it's getting better.

I'm doing my exercises. You should have done this for your minute. People from Texas love this psychomaterial. No, it's hilarious. We love just watching. What are you wearing? Everything's okay. I mean, COVID ravaged my body and woke up an autoimmune disease that I didn't know I had.

Really? So you got original COVID first. When was that? In, like, December 2019. Well, 2019. Yes. You were the first one. Were you in Woodham?

Yes. I was fucking in Wuhan. I fucking was like, hey, that might be good. What the fuck? Right? Oh, tell the truth. What was the autoimmune disease? It's called IgG4.

And what it does is it. Jesus, that's my Yahoo password. No, so your lungs and your heart have a protective layer around them. And that's where I build fluid. So if I overextend myself, I build fluid. What happened was it crushed my lung, my left lung, 50%. That's why I'm getting out of breath right now. Oh, my God.

I had to have surgery March 3. And they went through my back and they cracked my fucking ribs. And they drained something? No, they drained me first, but then because it had been there so long of fluid, there was scar tissue still pinning the lung in. Oh, my God. So they had to break my ribs and cut all that scar tissue out. And this was from COVID?

Or when did you get the booster? Okay. My surgery was March 3. Right? March 15 was when it was released to the general public. So I got my first two shots. My doctors are like, dude, you're severely autoimmune disease. Take everything.

Like do everything. Yeah, the doctors. Yeah, trust them. Absolutely. I literally held out a long time for the booster. And then finally it was like, okay, guys, fuck it. I'll do it. And I did it.

And two days later, my whole face fell off. So let me ask you this. Well, half of my face fell off. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, look at that. Shit.

This is real life, people. This is what CNN does not want you to see right here. Two days later, I mean, what the fuck? Hey, I'm on this stage because of this man right now. Because of Ian? Yeah, I said I was too sick to come here. I was like, I don't think I could do it. Yeah.

And he was like, why can't you? And I was like, why the fuck can I? And I waited. I love that. I absolutely love that. Ian Finance. My fucking man. Ian.

Jordan Jensen. That's your fault. I know. Ian, that is so nice of you to invite the Iceman, Chuck Lydell, here. You're like a fat version. You're like Chuck Lydell. Yeah, thanks. You're like the Ice Cream Man, Chuck Lydell.

Hey, the 50 was after I got my surgery there. You know, you should feel bad for this fucking. My abs don't work. I have to wear this shit. Oh. What? Because... All right, man.

Don't say I'm the reason you're here. All right. Give me a fuck off the stage so we can continue, right? No, I like your style. I'm not fucking done yet. What do you do for a living? Well, I sit on my fucking ass. Right.

I was getting paid by MetLife. And then two years later, they're like, okay, we're not going to pay you anymore. My doctors are like, get lawyers. So that's what I'm doing right now. Okay. What do you do for fun? I sell weed. Excellent weed.

All right. That's another job. What do you do for fun? I play pool. Oh, okay. I'm a billiards, absolutely. There's an eight ball. There's a ten ball.

I love it. I hate nine balls. So there's a little tiny shitty one in here. Okay. Hell yeah. There's two little balls in your pants, too. That's incredible. Stupid.

You weren't supposed to tell people, but whatever. All right. Well, fuck, I lost. Well, I'm glad you're here, man. I will say this is my first time ever being on stage. How about a hand for Keith, right? No shit, that's great. Keith, how about it, man?

Glad you took a rest and got down here, dude. How about it for Keith? Hey, there you go, buddy. Keith, here's a little joke, but guys, this first time ever on stage, Ian encouraged him. He's out and about. Not easy to do. My goodness.

Look at that. Yeah. You got us all at a half smile here tonight. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right. To the bucket we go. Holy shit. Look at this guy.

Do you sign up, sir? Hey, you. Oh, no, you're a security guard? Oh, okay. You didn't sign up, right? God, I would love to hear what this guy has to say. This guy's got stories for days. What would you talk about if I forced you to do stand-up?

What, but what would you talk? I'm not saying that I'm going to, but what would you talk about? Everything with my mom? Oh my God. See what I'm talking about. All right. Your final bucket pull of the night perhaps goes by the name of Jake McCown, everybody. Jake McCown.

Let's see what happens here. Oh, here he is. He's right here. Jake. Jake, everybody. How do we do a skate vest? You guys are a great crowd. I'll leave you on this.

How do you guys build all abortion? Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty pro-abortion too. In fact, I have a kid which may seem like I'm not pro-abortion, but this Halloween, we're dressing him up as a zombie, and we're taking him to Planned Parenthood, and we're letting him crawl in. I put the phone in the shirt.

I'm going to say, why did you kill me? I just think some of you guys are a little bit too cavalier about it. That's all. Like my friend Abby, she wrote in her tender profile, you have to be at least six feet tall to ride this ride, boys. I know that because I rode it because I'm her friend on five foot eight. But I was like, Abby, why are you talking about your pussy? Like it's a roller coaster.

You've killed way more kids inside you than a roller coaster ever has. Ah, yeah, that's the know what it makes when the vacuum out the kid of her tail. Wow. Jake McHown. I like your abortion chunk. Jesus. Very, very interesting, Jake. How are you, first of all?

I'm good. How long have you been doing stand up? I've been on for about three years. Where at? Sacramento. Sacramento, California. We know it very well. Punchline?

I've done punchline. Right. You don't have many of them, but you perform there. Very good. What do you do for work? I own a coffee shop. A coffee shop? Yeah.

Okay. What's it called? The caffeinated monkey. The what? The caffeinated monkey. The caffeinated monkey. Okay. All right.

Little bit racial, huh? Move on. Let me guess, you serve a lot of black coffee, no cream allowed at the monkey. Does the coffee machine not work often? And let me guess, it doesn't know it's father. Does the coffee machine make a lot of loud noises if no one wants to hear? Especially when movies are playing. And do a lot of fat white girls come in?

Do they answer those questions? Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have chosen that name. The caffeinated monkey. So how long have you been running a coffee joint? About a year. Okay.

You have any specialties there? Like do you do? Fried chicken. No. Okay, okay. No. Jesus. What a racist.

My God. How dare you. When you do a racist. You fucking bum. Fuck you. Sorry. I love it. I feel like you've got like a speech thing.

Is that true or you know? No. I was just nervous. Okay. Also, yeah. Are you high? No. Not high.

No. What do you do for fun? I like shooting guns. Okay. What kind of guns do you have? AK-16. Oh my God. Yeah.

All right. I love that. A couple of clocks. I love that. I don't know if you guys know this. My buddy, old pal, Chris D'Alia just got an AR-15. He swears it's an AR-18. I can't help myself.

I don't know why I just did that joke right then on this show. Boo. I love it. So what else? I'm trying to figure out there must be something else interesting. Do you have any special skills or talents? Well, I'll tell you this. I used to, in Iraq, I was like the secret service for the ambassador.

I used to take him to his meetings in Iraq. For the ambassador to Iraq of America? Yeah. Okay. That's interesting. Oh, thank you for your service. Thank you. Our service is there.

How long ago was that? There's a couple of waist sizes to go. I was gonna say. So I was in the military 10 years ago, but that's private military. That was like four years ago. So. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay. What branch? I was in the Marine Corps. The Marine Corps. Okay. Oh, wow. You just really let yourself go. I did, yeah.

You used to be able to do a bunch of push-ups and stuff. Pull-ups, push-ups, yeah, everything. Wow. And how about now? Nothing. Nothing. You know what? I have a discipline tattoo.

Back when I was very good shape. Let's see what it looks like now. I gotta see. Yeah. Oh my God. Wow. Looks exactly like the guy's bandage from the fucked up vaccine. Or it's so big now it looks like he stutters, you know.

Discipline. Very, very interesting to see. Does PTSD stand for pancakes, tacos, sauces, and dip? I'm not a doctor. Stupid. How long were you in Iraq for? I was a civilian probably like three years. A civilian?

Yeah. How would you hang out after this? Yeah. The job of taking the ambassador to is where he needed to go. That was me as a civilian. Oh, shit. We thought you were like, oh, you know what? Yeah.

The rent is cheap out here. Yeah. So can you get security work like now for, could you get hired to be security for like celebrities? Oh, well, I'm not big enough. But if you have a gun, you know, you don't have to be big enough. That's what we were. If you have a gun and discipline, you can do anything.

I'm like David Dawgins if he just discovered Chipotle. Yeah. Exactly. You're like David Bobbins. You're fat. Stay soft. I hate myself. I'm sorry.

We're having fun here. Jake, thank you so much for signing up. We love it. Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service. Jake McCown. Here you go. Take one of these, my friend.

Boom. Easy for easy. This is normally where the show would end. And according to the lineups here at Skankfest, this is exactly where the show should end. But because I'm so wildly successful now. I paid for someone's airline ticket here all the way from Boston, Massachusetts today. I spent the entire week with this guy and Hans Kim. He absolutely tried to bury me with a shovel for 10 sold out shows.

I'm telling you, this guy in his real comedy full time sets is fucking one of the most dangerous fucking comedians in the world right now. Here to do a new minute that he wrote today. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Memphis Strangler. The big head machine. The vanilla gorilla, William Montgomery. Happy Glocktober. First and foremost, I'm excited to be here at Skankfest today. I think it's great they organized a festival in honor of Red Band's mom.

Because she's a fucking whore! I hate that lady! I'm kidding. Incels be like, if Donald Trump wins the election, I swear I'm moving to Castlevania. That's a good joke. That's a pretty good joke. NASCAR driver Kurt Busch had to go to sensitivity training for calling another driver who tried to kill him a retard. I wonder what the sensitivity trainer said to him. So quit calling people a retard, you faggot.

Hold on! I thought you said reparations, not decorations! I thought you said reparations, not decorations! I don't know who that character is yet, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to find where she lives, honestly. I've been looking for this lady. Okay, that's fine. What's up? Wow! Wrote it today.

Was not even on the Skankfest lineup. Yeah, why the fuck wasn't I on the lineup? Was not an official member of the lineup. Yeah, seriously, who's running this fucking thing? Why wasn't I fucking on the official lineup? Seriously, heads are gonna roll! This fucking guy right here, again, ten fucking sold out insane shows out there. Every single major comedy club that we just did, literally the owner goes up to him, gets his fucking number and makes a fucking deal with him right there on the spot

to headline his own shit afterwards. This guy is literally, that is what comedians want in this world. We're hoping that a comedian takes you on the road with them, and then all of a sudden, every single owner goes straight up. I saw it every single time. The problem is, I only have five minutes worth of material, so... I'm not kidding. I mean, I have five minutes worth of material. I'm kidding. Tony, it was such a pleasure. It was wonderful.

You're a fucking monster, William, and I'm watching him make these fucking adjustments night after night, show after show. If something slows the momentum, he fucking gets rid of it and fills it in with something else the next night. He's doing absolutely everything right. Let me remind you that just two, three years ago, this guy was a drunken, coped-up fucking obese... Yeah! Surprise!

I can confirm that. I look just like this guy. It's true. God, get out of here, man! You're throwing me off. I swear to God. I've been watching your ass the whole fucking time. I don't know what it is, but something about you is really throwing me off, maybe. Maybe it's the fact that he kind of looks like Red Band's mom. I'm sorry.

She is so old. She is so nasty. Like, I don't know if y'all have seen this lady. She is nasty. William, Red Band is always so nice. I know! I feel so bad, Red Band. And we talked about this already. Huh? We did talk about it. Yeah, we did.

Okay, we talked about it. So I went for it tonight. He literally told me to stop fucking making fun of his mom. He told me. William, is there anything you want to say to these people here, this audience, that you weren't even supposed to be in front of tonight? I will be out front of White Castle for an hour after this. I brought 200 Zannex bars!

He's selling Zannex tonight, everybody! That's the great William Montgomery right there! We did it again! Guys, please, for the love of God, make some noise for my guests. Eric Griffin and Ian Vidats! The great David Tell! Hans Kim, Ari Shavir, Sarah Wineshank. We're going to do it again, 9 p.m. tonight.

I love you guys. Thank you. It's always so wild and fucking different doing these Skankfest killtonies. It's got its own weird ass fucking little fucking judgy little dark vibe to it. I like it. We love you guys. That's why we come back every single Skankfest to goof around. Thank you guys for coming out. We love you.

Thanks, guys. Thank you guys so much. Thanks for the support. Thanks for the love. Check out their podcasts, Eric Griffin rippin' with Griffin and Vidats. Bye, guys. And B&N. What is it?

What is it? What is it? What is it?