KILL TONY - #582 - [SKANKFEST VEGAS] - BIG JAY OAKERSON + LUIS J GOMEZ + DAVE SMITH

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J Gomez, Dave Smith, Kim Congdon, Ali Macofsky, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/16/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—Kimpton Hotel Van Zandt – Save on Sunday and Monday nights when you stay at Hotel Van Zandt using this link: CLICK HERE!

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to ryanjebelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Skankfest, here at Las Vegas, Nevada for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony HinchCliff. Skankfest, are you guys ready to do this shit one more fucking time or what? Yeah, make some noise for Brian Red Band everybody, this is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, nine and a half fucking years old, me and this old bundle of bricks have been doing this.

How we doing tonight, you guys here for this shit? Put your phones away, it's a podcast you idiots, just enjoy it you fucking pang dang ass motherfuckers. Stop trying to get your own viral clip, the whole thing's on the internet right now, you can just watch it later you fucking buffoons. How we doing, we ready for this shit? This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, Austin's best fucking strip clubs, if you ever make it to Austin, you know where to go. And you know what to drink, deep eddy vodka, Austin's own unbelievable vodka brand, fucking delicious,

we drink it out of water bottles all the time, straight up, and screw ball peanut butter whiskey, the best fucking whiskey and peanut butter product on planet earth, all amazing sponsors of Kill Tony, here's the rest of the sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional live comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas.

January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now, get tickets while you still can. Hey y'all, we do so much in our daily regimens to take care of ourselves and try to stay healthy. We eat nutritious breakfast, maybe you go, you work out, your hair care, skin care products.

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That's 15% off anything you order when you shop. Better hydration today using promo code TONY at liquidIV.com. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? I'm telling, I think you guys can do a little bit better than that. Are you guys ready to start this shit or what? Ladies and gentlemen, as with standing tradition of the brotherly love between Kill Tony and Skankfest, every single one of these festivals we do this, it's always a blast. Our guest for this show, your very own Legion of Skanks everybody.

Who is Jay Gomez? Big Jay Oakerson. And the future president of the United States of America, Dave Smith. Yeah. Here we go again. Well snake, boring whiskey directly into the mouth of already dehydrated people. Fucking welcome guys. Here we go again.

A beautiful solar eclipse that is a Kill Tony meets the Legion of Skanks. It really has been years and years and years of us both claiming to be the best live podcast in the world. Except one of us has an audience bigger than 12. Hey guys, are you an audience bigger than 12? What do we think? Yeah Tony, more like 1200. Hey guys, you're at my podcast right now. Hey guys, you're at fucking Skankfest. Yeah, you know what Tony?

We sell out theaters all around the world. Well listen Tony, when we consolidate our entire national audience into one place and sell it under your banner, we can do what you do every week motherfucker. Oh man, I love it. The Eagles are 6-0. Alright, we'll call it a tie. I fucking love it. The chaos ensue. You guys know how it works. We've all done this many times before this bucket, believe it or not, is absolutely filled with people's names. I pulled them out, they get a chance to do 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry Fremont Street bear. And a little extra twist on this, because I fucking always forget what Skankfest is like. All the other podcasts, they like it when you hackle and chant and shit. But here, when the comedians, when the people that have the courage to sign up for 60 seconds uninterrupted are up there, don't fucking hackle, don't try to be funny from the crowd. That's every other show you can fucking do that shit. This one, let them die the slow death that they signed up for, okay?

Don't help them, don't give them fucking anything. Let them fucking just fucking fade away into the dark. And then we'll be there, we'll be there less than 60 seconds later to say things better than you were going to yell. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? Well, I could very easily reach into the bucket right now and pull out one of the names of the many, many people that signed up for a chance to do this. Or we could start with some fucking momentum guaranteed. We could start with a guy that kicks off every single episode of this show. With a brand new minute every single fucking week.

I just did 10 fucking sold out shows with this guy. We got on a plane together in Boston, Massachusetts today to be here with you. This is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim! What's up, skankfans? How you guys doing? I just flew in from Boston. It's hard to respect Boston because they're too proud of the Revolutionary War.

I'm not impressed by any war that I can defeat the army of with a trip to Home Depot. I could defeat the Revolutionary Army War with fertilizer and $5 Mexicans. But good to be here at Skankfest. You know, this has been one of the best skankfest I've been to. Maybe next year we can get working elevators and some higher ceilings would be nice. But something about me that you might not know is I'm pretty good at sex. I'm really good at dirty talking. Sometimes when I'm fucking a bitch, I'll be like, you know, I see a lot of myself in you right now.

About three inches. Thank you! The pro up here knows exactly when a minute is. Hans Kim, this is the first time you guys have seen Hans in a little while, right? Yeah, first of all, I want to say great job Joe wrist. Thank you. I do write excellent jokes. You guys know the great Hans Kim, Dave?

You just saw it live in the flesh, there he is. Yeah, I mean, I saw him like three weeks ago, like a full set, but that was great. And you know, we're working on the escalators, asshole. You know what they work for the first two days before you guys decide to show up on the last day. You know electronics, go fix them! We bought them on the cheap from your country. Get your toolbox, fucking geek squad! It's true, you never insult a man's escalator.

You don't come for a man's escalator. There are lines! So, Hans Kim, you did it again, what else? Give us something we don't know about you, give us fucking an interview thing that we've talked a lot about everything. Last week, I've been sleeping with William Montgomery, the great William Montgomery, his night terrors have been keeping me up at night. He keeps calling me Charlie. It is amazing, so like part of the problem with... Well, I mean, it's a logistics issue.

There wasn't any more rooms left in the hotel that I was booked at, and Hans joined this last week's tour late. Look at Tony getting called out for being cheap and not getting into their own rooms. And how much he's stuttering through with the reason why. You see, they were booked up and they didn't have anything on the experience. Now you see the way the reservation system works. Typically, my openers get a mansion, but in this case, I've got a vase, it's a different story. It is true, but it is incredible. And I have watched these two argue all week about their own little pet peeves with one another.

It's amazing. William's like, yeah, he wears with his shower slides all the time. And Hans is thinking about night terrors. Did he scream anything in particular? Yeah, he screamed about fucking his cousin or something, it was kind of weird. But he kept farting on me and calling it Agent Orange. Indeed, powerful, powerful. Hans, what do you think your parents would say if they saw what you're doing here tonight?

They'd be like, wow, you really know how to talk to white people. Do your Korean parents talk with white people often? What's their deal with whites? Sell them as possible. They're very proud Korean people and they don't like stuttering and stammering. So they just avoid the whites. Then whose laundry do they do? Everybody's.

All right, Hans. Well, we fucking, we've been through it together. I've seen enough of your ass this week. Another good, strong, solid new minute. Thanks for getting this show started. Hans can't. Thank you guys. There he goes.

That was Hans can. That was Hans can. That was Hans can. That was Hans can. You guys ready to go to this fucking bucket or what? Yeah. Yeah. No more funny business.

Make some noise for your first comedian. Could be a fucking handicap guy. Could be a first time comic. Could be a local legend here to flex. Anything can happen. No interrupting. This is 60 seconds from Josh Shapiro. Getting the show started from the bucket.

Not an easy position to be in at all. Hans makes it look very easy. Josh Shapiro. Here he comes. Everybody makes some noise for Josh. Skankfest. I made it from fucking Canada, baby. Let's go, dude.

Dude, I'm so excited to eat American fast food. We don't have anything, dude. I have never tried the Popeye spice chicken sandwich. That shit was sold out for months. Someone got stabbed over that sandwich. That means that this sandwich is so good that some guy pulled out a knife and was like, hey,

give me that sandwich where I'm gonna stab you. And the guy with the sandwich was like, no. There's no other way that guy gets stabbed, dude. I'm 25 years old. I feel like I look like I'm 35. But I should have known that this was my life

because I had a full beard at 15. I went bald at 16. I had a full bush at eight years old. Do you know what it's like to be an eight-year-old boy take off your pants and have the pedophile be like, you know, what the fuck? What are you looking at me like that for? I thought that was a fucking bear, dude.

That was the bear. It was the bear. It's normally louder, but Red Bant sucks at his job. He's been doing it for nine and a half years. He's been doing it for hundreds and hundreds. But you're right. It was the bear. How about one more hand for Josh Shapiro, everybody?

Very, very interesting. I've never seen a fat, daggastani guy before. He's like, kebab, nermakamet off, or something like that. Josh, how long have you been on stand-up? Almost four years. Four years. Where at? Montreal. Montreal.

Wow, you really are excited. Do you do it in French also? Fuck no, dude. I don't make any fucking money because I won't do it in French, dude. Yeah, aren't they like booting people out who aren't going to do stuff in French now? Yeah. That's hilarious. English is illegal in Montreal now.

What do you mean? They just created a new bill. Yeah. That makes English illegal. Wow. I don't believe you. It's true. No, he's not wrong.

Whatever your interpretation of this bill is, I'm telling you, dude, you're fucking right and wrong. He's definitely boiling it down to brass tacks, but... It's not bad. I promise you it's not bad. I don't know anything about Montreal news. I fucking, I would put my child's life on it then. It's not illegal to speak English.

Lewis is, for the record, he's been gambling his child a lot since we've been in Vegas. Yeah, dude. The circus has been a sports book in the world. I put my son's life on the line. What happens if you, what happens if you fucking speak English in Canada? What do they do? Give you a fourth booster shot or something like that? Yeah.

Mainly it's for businesses. If you own a business, you cannot have anything in English. Your own personal computer, you'll get fucking fined like 2K for that shit. I also don't believe you. No, he's right. That's the right thing. That's the real thing. Now, I think you're telling the truth.

They hate freedom. No, it is what they don't hate freedom. They hate America so much. They want to be French so bad and so stupid. Dude. They're 40 minutes away from New York. That... It really is crazy.

The first joke you told about the stabbing and the fast... That was such a fucking great joke, dude. That is such a fucking good joke. It was like, it was fucking perfect. But all I could focus on was these drips of sweat that were falling down. It wasn't sweat. It was fucking white cloth. I screamed it from the back there.

I couldn't figure it out. I was like, where is the origin of this drip coming from? Where is the ice cat that he started from? Dave, he got excited. He got excited because he got called. And right before he jumped on stage, he took a swig of his drink and he missed his mouth. Yeah. It was just bursting into his face and his beard was dripping.

It was just dripping. And while I was watching it drip, I go, that's so well written. Where is it coming from? Where? Why is his beard so fucking wet? But he miscalculated the size of the sip. He wanted a smaller sip, but he went, he should just splash this whole thing. The red band showed me the law.

This is real. Your kid would be killed or whatever you bet against. Damn it. By the way, father of the year over here. It's not the first kid Lewis has lost and it won't be the last. In a nonsensical bet. So you hate French people. Do you speak French?

I speak French. That's what being a Canadian is like, by the way. This is the only people they have to be racist against. This is a French. They don't have, all right. Your name is Josh Shapiro. That's hilarious. Listen to a Jew speak French.

I'm not talking about... I'm talking about... I'm talking about Josh, the renters do. You are poutine me in the oven. Banks, banks, banks. Media, media, media. Como tal a Jew? How much will that holocaust make?

Jew Canadian jokes, folks. Very rarely do you get to do Jew Canadian jokes. Josh, give us a fun fact about your life that we will find interesting that makes you different than other people. I gamble for a living? For a living? I stream on Twitch. Casinos pay me to lose money, so other people will lose money.

Really? Didn't they just ban that? Somebody tried to get me to do that horseshit, too. I was like, this sound shady as fuck, doggy. Yeah, they just banned it. It sounded some shady shit, dude. They did a ban that DraftKings signed a $13 billion deal with Twitch, so Twitch banned their competitors.

Yeah, that's a pretty cool living. You should go sell underground English in Montreal. A market's been created. You can only speak English in these speakeasies, they call them. They go, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour. Oh, thank God I'm in here. These fucking fags. All day long.

Should I be a beer? Unbelievable Montreal used to be home of the biggest comedy festival in the world, and now we're there, right now. Isn't that cool? You're inside of it. It's wacky, that fucking thing. There's like big puppets with like giant heads walking in the streets, and like all the fucking French Canadians are like,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Kurt Metzger said it best, they love whimsical bullshit. The French. The head is big and the body is little. Yes, I get it now. He's a juggler, but he's not good at juggling. Ah, a million laughs. Ah, he's a clown, he's unstilts, it's perfect.

He goes to pick up a penny and he flip over. Yeah, yeah. They really are fucking idiots, dude. They like entertainment from the 1800s. They love Jerry Lewis till he died. Josh Shapiro, you just made your Kill Tony debut. Thank you so much for signing up. There you go.

We shall keep it moving. Back to the bucket we go. Anything can happen, you guys get it? You know what show you're at? You having fun out there? Oh, sweet, thank you. Make some noise for your next comedian, Frankie Gonzalez, everybody. Frankie Gonzalez.

Right here, look at that. Make some noise for Frankie, everybody. Oh my gosh, I've been smoking so much weed this weekend. It's fucking... I don't really smoke weed, I'm more of an Edibles guy. I love them, I think they're great. I like Edibles, because Edibles are like having an alcoholic father. You never know when that shit's gonna hit you, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was for you, dad. He's not dead, he's in prison, but he's like on the fourth level. So you gotta really look up. I do, I get high a lot, but I'm also really bad at slang. I'm terrible at it. I grew up in the ghetto, had no idea what anybody was saying for 20 years. So I'm really bad at slang, but also get high a lot.

So for a long time, I thought cottonmouth was what happened when you ate out a black woman. That's not what it means, though. I'm Frankie Gonzalez, thank you so much. Wow, unbelievable. Unbelievable performance. Frankie, that was fucking fantastic. Thank you.

Tony, how you doing? I'm good, thanks for asking. I'm sorry, I'm so high right now. That was amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? You're fucking fantastic. Three years. Where at? San Diego, actually. Holy shit.

That's incredible. La Jolla misses you, by the way. Yeah, did you perform there a lot? No, they don't like me there. The store? The store? They don't know. Really? Why don't they like you? Did you do something? No, it's just, you know, I'm just hanging around.

No. No, they have some Latinos there. How you guys doing? You show up to an open mic with 18 of your cousins odor-laying your way through everything. They're all aggressive. They're like, put them on, man. Why is this guy not my cousin?

Hey, Pepito, put them on my Pepito. You are not him? This fucking club is racist, Holmes. White guy, white guy, white guy. Put him up now, the edibles are just starting to kick in. That was the time. This whole crowd looks like they're really good at drawing swastikas, so I'm like fucking scared of shit right now.

Who's bandit drawing a swastika? It's the most fun shit to draw. Who's ever been like, you draw swastika, they go, I'm actually not good at it. No, there's like an aesthetically nice feeling to drawing. It's like, you know, it's perfect. I mean, wherever your politics are, if you're trying to draw a swastika,

you can draw a swastika. Yeah, who's like, you're a racist liar if you're going, I don't know, is this like, is this the right direction? So it's like straight, turn out, straight, to I don't even get it, I don't know. I don't know, I wasn't alive in World War II. And it's not a white guy thing to draw a swastika, by the way.

I'm sure that if you took a spray can, you went up to the side of a building at night, you could probably do a swastika, too. You never spray painted a swastika to get the skinheads in trouble with a rival gang or something? Sometimes I like it. Look, my grandma put all the tamales in the shape of a swastika. Racist tamales!

Tamales. It's a solstika. What do you do for work, Frankie? I'm a doorman for a comedy club. A different comedy club? American comedy company. Oh, hell yeah. That's why the rival club won't work here.

Yeah, I think that's part of it, for sure. I do what I can, you know, stop. I do that. You work in the American comedy club or the illegal American comedy club? The almost American comedy company. It's like, come on in! I was an anchor, baby. I'm alright with it.

I love it. Absolutely. There's a lot of anchors on the Bay of San Diego. Dude, I'm there fucking New Year's Eve weekend, dude. Do some time, bro. Yeah, no, I'm working that. Do some time, bro. Oh, really?

No. All right, that's all the time, bro! He said go to jail. Oh, shit. Do it all the time. Come back with some stories, man. Bro, that's fucking awesome, dude. Big J is going to put you up on his New Year's Eve show.

I'll just tell you, he'll give you a few minutes. If you can make it over to the comedy store, me and Lewis will give you an hour and a half of our New Year's Eve show. Go to the comedy show. We don't give a shit. We don't leave you alone. We agreed to not go there.

Honest to God, I'll feature for you the entire weekend at the American comedy show. Honest to 25 in the middle. Hold on, hold on. That's Jay's offer? I'm out. That's the best you're going to do, dude. Take his offer.

Frankie, for three years, I find that to be an incredible minute. You have any other special skills or talents? If you've good at anything else, any hobbies or anything like that? I used to do graffiti for a while. I fucking nailed that, by the way. I nailed that four minutes ago.

Nobody gave it any credit. Unfucking believable. I could do some pretty good tricks with a switchblade comb. It comes with the melanin. I don't know what to tell you. I used to fuck around with nunchucks a little bit. Stereotype mask?

What else? What do you think is the most Mexican thing about you? Oh, shit. Hang on. Whoa. Other than that answer right there. Oh, shit. Pretty much my tortilla balls.

I'm pretty stupid. I call soccer voop-o. My sister's dating a white man. That's probably the most Mexican thing about me. Oh, shit. What happened? Yeah, everybody gets to stay in the country. Where did she meet this white guy?

What? She gets sent on a jet to Martha's Vineyard? How did that happen? Frankie, what's your love life like? You got a girl? Oh, shit. It's complicated. And this is going to be everywhere, right?

Is she dead right now? No. Yeah. There's a Jewish and an Italian one, so I'm in the middle right now. I don't know where the fuck... Oh, there's two girls. Yeah, yeah.

Dude, you're an idiot. You didn't have to say that. He said, are you dating anyone? You're like, yes, I am. She's beautiful. That girl is great with her hair. I love her hair and eyes. Instead, you're doing callbacks to World War II over here.

Like, one's an axis and one's a fucking... I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to in the beginning. Yeah. You convinced me. I know. It's the magic. Oh, hey, whoa.

It's between a Jew and an Italian? What was that? A Jewish girl and an Italian girl, you say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which one do you like more? They both scream at me. I really like it. Say it right now.

Look at the camera. I'm from Tony. Look at that one. Right there. Don't put one of those bitches right now. Frankie, that camera over there. Oh, no. Right there.

I said, don't... Am I being a dump the Christ killer? What? The Christ killer. Get rid of her. Oh, shit. I can't, though. I really like both of them.

Can we not... Let me... Can I propose a third option? What's the third option? Ask him to be a throttle. What if... What if all three of us just... Had a good time?

I mean, just... Incredible. You can bring your Jewish bullshit and you can cook Italian stuff. Yeah, I can do whatever. This guy just dropped the matzo ball and the meatball at the same time. Fucking incredible.

Frankie, congratulations. That was an unbelievable set. I knew it. You're opening up. Did Big J say your... Fuck, yeah. Did you say that? Or were you fucking with him?

No, it's pretty good. Yeah. You're opening up for Big J. It works, though. It works, though. You're easy, right? Fucking amazing. There he goes. Frankie Gonzalez, everybody.

Good. All right. Kill Convin... Jason Ellis on that weekend. It's gonna be a fun one. Fucking Kill Tony is magical. Isn't it fun? That guy just got a fucking

featuring spot on New Year's Eve for Jay Ogrezeb. We live in New Year's Eve. It's incredible. It's incredible. That guy just got a headlining spot on Jay's New Year's Eve show. All the money at the door.

100% off that minute. We love fucking starting careers, building careers, helping out any way we can. And when we see somebody that fucking makes us laugh, we like to push them. So right now,

we're gonna do something special. We've always had regulars on the show that write and perform a new minute every single week. We have an old class of fucking regulars. Some of them are here tonight. And they have full, flourishing fucking careers right now.

And they used to be complete unknowns writing a new minute every single week here. This is one of them right now. She hasn't been on the show in years. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the great and powerful Kim Condon, everybody.

Stop. I only have a minute. God, I'm so nervous. I don't do that much to end up being my virgin. You guys, I did some shopping today. It was pretty fun. I went and bought some clothes at Forever 21,

which is sad at 32. It doesn't feel good. Fashion is not good. It's a fucking horrible idea. Don't do it. The clothes aren't good. I bought a pair of boots. I tried to wear them here. It was a bad idea.

My feet had blood all over them. They were like $3. Blood all over my feet. I'm serious. It wasn't my blood. It was the kid who made them. He's Forever 7. God, I swear,

I love those sweatshop kids. I keep getting older and they stay the same age. Those are the real red bottoms. I can't stand a bitch that's scared of birds. Ugh. If you're in here and you feel like you're like,

oh, that's me. I'm scared of birds. No one likes you. At the end of the night, when your friends are done hanging out, they just keep hanging out without you. Even worse than a bitch that's scared of birds is a bitch that's scared of clowns. So annoying, right?

If you're scared of clowns, and I mean this, get raped. Have a real problem. Unless you got raped by a clown, then I'm so sorry. If you got raped by a bird, bitch hit the gym.

That's one rape we can all laugh at. Thank you guys so much. I'm Daniel. Wow. So cool. What's amazing about Kim is that I literally know when you started stand-up comedy,

I was on the fucking second or first episode ever. I think the second episode ever of Kill Tony. It was the second Monday we ever did it. And you had just performed in the original room. Your cousin was working around the comedy scene at the time,

and we all kind of knew you. And it's fucking amazing. Your husband? My cousin. Oh, your husband? You were married? You never told me that? That's crazy.

Now you did something wrong. We're even. Yeah. Louis 73, Kim won. And here we are, nine and a half years later, fucking incredible. Ten and a half.

Really? Isn't that crazy? I think he lost count because the podcast isn't 10 years old yet. Oh, really? But it's cool. I don't want to blow your cover. It's cool.

If that's what has you getting spots in New York or whatever you're telling him. Fuck it. Dog, it feels like 30. I know, right? You came up. You fucking took your time.

You fucking grabbed everybody in the audience's attention. Like the audience grabs your pussy sometimes. How's that going? We're not here that happened in a regular show at Skankfest for the record. No one has grabbed Kim's pussy.

So let's just put it away. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. I don't think you caught my tone. What the fuck is wrong with you guys that you're losing to these normie crowds who grab Kim's pussy? All you do is get hit. They were trying to dump pussy, guys.

He was like, no one has grabbed Kim's pussy. Yeah, it sucks because I feel like if I do jiu-jitsu on these guys, like put them in a choke hold for touching me, they're just going to come. Totally, for sure.

Like, oh, I felt the warm wet on my neck. Kim's voice is gone. It's like you're just like, you're just like... Lindsay Lohan. We're all fucked. Yeah. Yeah, the thing is,

you got through the jokes fine, but it was like your voice had a minute left in it. Yeah. I just got here today. What have I missed? What were some highlights for you so far at this festival?

Oh, man, it's been so fun. I fucking have done a bunch of shows. I did a blind show, a blindfolded show. That shit was sick. Who was there? That shit was so cool. I'm telling you right now,

if you were at that show, you had a mask on. The comics couldn't see. The audience couldn't see. I was on acid, and it was like... Yeah, but where's they couldn't hear? Shut up, dude.

You took a gun in your ass today. Yeah. I think Kim pegged you a little bit in this fucking relationship. I love seeing you two together. It's fucking amazing. Two Puerto Ricans with no children. It is absolutely incredible.

It's fucking amazing. You guys are working. You guys really get to fight the odds. I love it. Kim, what else? Tell us more about life. What are you up to nowadays? You started.

I mean, it's crazy. You literally had... to think of how we do it now with Hans, who's an eight-year veteran that nobody knew about fucking a year ago. William, an eight-year veteran that nobody knew about

fucking five years ago. All these guys, they all are like pros to think that you started fucking writing a new minute every week from the get is insane. Tell us more about what you're up to now. Yeah, honestly, like, you know, I feel like I haven't said this a lot,

but huge props to Tony and Red Band. They've put on so many fucking comics. Going on the Kill Tony show, I got to go on the road with the coolest people, Rogan, Ralphie Mae, Bobby Lee. It's really falling off quickly. Bobby Lee's going to die next, I guess. Rogan, Ralphie Mae, Bobby Lee, Rob Figgs.

Ken was like two people away from going Denny's. But yeah, I've just been doing stand-up, some writing, a little bit of acting. I'm doing an old podcast. It sounds sushi when I start listening to it, so... Writer and practical jokers, right? Absolutely incredible.

We're so proud of the amazing work that you've done. It's amazing to see you come up here and crush for a couple minutes. How about one more time for the great Kim Condon, everybody? Kim Condon, I love you! One of the legends of the show. Come on, guys, you can do better than that. That's the great Kim Condon.

I know you guys have seen her all weekend, but... I think from them being regulars of the show, I think Kim and Allie Makovsky I was turned on to from doing the show with you, and I love them both. They're both beasts, yeah. So good. It's incredible. Who was here last year when Kim beat the shit out of Allie Makovsky?

How are you? It's incredible. I can't believe you would put a portery in up against a sweet white girl like Allie Makovsky. That is just... She's supposed to be in a fight. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Anything can happen. This is all improvised.

Don't heckle. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Alec Phillips, everybody. Here we go. Alec Phillips. We're moving along smoothly. Here he is. Come on, make some noise for Alec, everybody. How's it going, guys?

So, there's a couple people here in wheelchairs tonight. I wish I had a seat in the Yelp Gratum Theater. So, they recently caught a man in Texas with 58 terabytes of child porn. Put that settlement. There is a thousand gigabytes in a terabyte. We sent a man to the moon with one gigabyte. They didn't catch him after, like, the first two terabytes? No, I did the math on it.

58 terabytes is the equivalent of 14,500 feature-length films. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's it. Were you done? Was that it? Was that it? That's it. Okay, you nailed it.

Fucking incredible. Absolutely amazing. And Alec, with a lot of film knowledge, just killed a bunch of innocent people. Who would it guess? I felt like that wasn't over, and he was trying to teach people how to store child porn on your computer. That's 130 feature-length film files. Here's how you beat the system. Anyways, I got a couple hard drives for sale outside.

Put the baby away. Get the baby out of here. Alec Phillips, welcome to the show. Where are you from? Portland, Oregon. Portland, Oregon, a place where suicide is currently legal. I'm surprised you haven't taken advantage of that yet. Portland, Oregon has a bunch of new laws.

You can kill yourself. You can do any drug, pretty much, right? Any drug. So what are you doing? What are you up to? Hot dogs and baloney? What's going on over there? Yeah.

That's about it. You do any drugs ever? No. What do you do for fun? Drink. Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm a correctional officer.

Whoa. Shut up, dude. Hell yeah. Pointy-twenty over here. Look at the ex-cons booing him. He's enemy class. We don't fucking like correctional officers here. You ever abuse your power, bro?

That's a fucking yes. Did you see that pause? Holy shit. Oh my God. What's the worst thing you've ever done? Tell the truth. Jesus Christ, bro. You can say it, dude.

Just let it out. We're all friends here. Please. What's the worst thing you've ever done as a correctional officer? God, God. Yeah, your dick sucked by an inmate. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Some of that fucking Portland, Oregon. You know what I'm saying? Some of that fucking... There's no more cops there. It's fine. I am enjoying watching the seven stories

rolling through your head. Of which you're trying to pick the worst. Yeah, dude. Have you asked me the worst thing I've ever done? You're not hearing it. Yeah. He's like, let me tell one more. I didn't finish.

I don't think we're going to get a straight answer out of him. So I'm going to change the question. What's the worst thing you've ever seen prisoners do? What have you ever caught them doing? Where you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, guys. Well, we had about a, like, six foot five trans woman. Oh, yeah. Beat the shit out of, like, a five foot regular woman.

Wow. And he's like, then I came to that. Yeah. I am hard as a rock right now. No doubt about it. What's going on? Is it hard to make, when you're holding a night stick, is it hard to make a quotation mark?

Ladies, please. Guys, ladies, stop. Do you ever, do you ever abuse an inmate physically or beat the fucking shit out of somebody? Like spitting your face and shit? That's what I would do. Fuck them up, dude. They tried.

And you, you like beat them, right? Do you want your fucking war? You fucking destroyed them, right? I'm trying to get into a better crime right now. You went way too far, right? Dude, it's pretty fucked up if you beat up a woman, but if you beat up a woman, we could all get past that.

I think we're getting finding out now that you are a corrections officer at a strictly women's prison. Is that correct? No. You have both. Co-ed? Are they all mixed together?

Might as well be now. Why? What do you, what do you mean? Look at this guy making it political. I gotcha. I'm trying to figure it out, though. Guys are girls, girls are guys, I don't know. They're all in there, they're animals. I mean, let me ask you something.

So this trans woman that is in the women's prison, she was once a man. Yes. And now she says that she's a woman, even though she might be a woman, she's saying that she's a woman, and so they let her into the women's prison with a penis, still, you think?

It's into a different dorm, so there's a different floor for females, so they just go up a floor. Okay, hold on a second. So there's a floor with guys? A lot of them. And then there's a floor with women? One of them.

And then there's a floor with strictly transgender people? No. They put them in the ceiling tiles. They lay them down. The trans men go to the women's park. Dude, what a great idea. If I ever go to jail, I'm just gonna say I'm a girl before I go in.

I'm gonna jerk off so much. Yeah, dude, I'm gonna literally just go in, I'm gonna beat the shit out of everybody, become queen of the fucking quad. I'm a goddess. Suck my pussy dick. Bring me your free toe lace. I'm still trying to understand this, though.

I'm still a minutes in. I got you, but try to describe it a little bit better for us. Floors of guys, one floor of women, where are the transgender people exactly? Wherever they say that the gender that they identify as? Yes. Do they have that long hair and a dress?

I can walk it by, dude, I'm a chick. Yes. Nice, dude, that rules. By the way, this is what I've been fishing for for seven and a half minutes. Dude, 60 days in me there. Could you just be a dude prisoner and go I identify as free?

And just leave prison? Like, you just leave? I mean, I would just go in and I would fucking pick the smallest woman and I would make her my bitch and start fucking scissoring with her. Let's go. Yeah.

I mean, that's pretty much it, right? You just say you identify as the other thing, bring your own bar of soap and just throw it in the shower. That's it. I just hope everybody goes and gets it. Do they ever start just dicking down the actual chicks? Not that we can see, but yeah, it happens. Yeah, that's what they're doing

when you're not around, by the way. I mean, is there any negative side to it? Is there a reason that I would not say that I'm a woman? Why wouldn't I say I'm a woman? No, that's a good idea. This is fucking unbelievable. There's going to be literally hundreds of sex addicts that are hearing this, thinking...

It sounds like a fucking awesome idea. I'm gonna go to Oregon and commit a crazy crime and I'm going to fuck and be fed for the rest of my life. Yeah, dude, being a woman's person is better than being in regular life. Oh, yeah, dude. Non-stop pussy and protein loaf? Poor Jack.

Are we gonna college degree? Oh, dude. Portland's fucking... It's a studying law. Non-stop. Come on, girls, let's go to book club. You've got to love it. A liberal city like Portland.

This is actually a shot of its future right here, that we're zooming in on right now. I thought it was live. It is a crazy dumpster fire. Were you there? I mean, obviously, you were there doing all the riots and everything? Yeah.

Craziest thing you saw around your neighborhood when that was all going down? I don't live in Portland. Right above Portland in Vancouver, Washington? With an AR-15 on the roof? Guys, you don't live in Portland. You live right above it where the trans are. One floor...

I'm on the trans floor of Portland. Does anybody have a really good joint of one? Not the horseshit that people have been giving me all day. Yeah. Some fire-ass shit. That's what I'm talking about, please. Yeah, we got it. Louis.

Yeah. My guy's got it right here with the fucking... Yes, fire shit. How about a hand for the great Yoni, everybody? That's a garbage joint. Yeah, and can I get another one of these from one of our fucking staff people? That's a real...

Whoa, dude, this looks like my dick. Celebration one, dude. Alec Phillips, thank you so much. Very interesting interview. Thanks for sharing the insights of your job working in a prison in Oregon in the year 2022. I mean, that shit is so fucking wild.

Thank you for sharing it. Wait a minute. There he goes. Alec Phillips, everybody. Here. Thank you, guys. Alec, take one of these. Catch.

That's a joke book by the great Bones Eye. Good catch, my friend. Look at you. That's the guy that knows how to stop flying neat when it's coming at him right there. First time ever on stage, you said? Ever. Ever doing therapy?

It's not a one-for-time friend. There he goes. Alec Phillips. Up here. Living the dream. What do you think? Yeah, we could do it. We should fucking do it.

Can somebody get Dave Smith another beer, please? Oh, dude, you don't have to. That's a wild ass looking beer. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another one of our fucking graduated regulars here. This young lady actually took over for Kim Congdon when she was retired into Kiltoni Folklore. She is a fully formed fucking, absolutely touring,

working, continuously fucking comedian. She used to write and perform a brand new minute every single week on the show. She started, she's the only person ever to get him a regular before she was even 21. We made her a regular and then they stopped letting people perform under 21 at the comedy store. She would wait outside.

She would grab a stool from the comedy store from Patty who put it on the other side of the fucking standing bar and she would sit there all night, talk with comedians, learn about the art form. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the greats. This is a new minute. It's been years since we've seen her perform. Make some noise for the great Ally Mikoski.

Thank you. Thank us. How are you guys? It's good to be here. I'm having a lot of fun. I'm sorry if I sound weird. I have fat parents, which does affect my speaking voice. It does.

I didn't think it did, but when I started doing comedy, a lot of people told me that I had a weird voice and I do. I sound like I'm doing guided meditation for heroin addicts. And so I tried to figure out why my voice sounds like this and I thought about it and I realized that during my formative years of learning how to speak, my parents always had their mouths full. So now I just have like a mashed potato accent.

I just sound like I'm always chewing through something. I have loser parents. My parents are losers. My dad's name is Larry. My mom's an alcoholic. They're big losers. My dad does loser things. Like my dad, he smokes five cigars a day.

That's an insane amount of cigars. One cigar takes at least an hour to smoke. My dad is smoking five hours worth of cigars a day. One cigar, eight inches long. My dad is smoking 40 inches of cigar a day. My dad is smoking the length of a modest couch in cigar. That is all. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. I love it. All the kids are all grown up, Red Band. Can you believe it? Look at that. We knew her when she was just a little baby. Yeah. How's it going?

Things are good. Skankfest has been a blast. I've been having so much fun. It's the best. It's literally the best. Yeah. It's been so fun. Seeing everybody, these guys make the best fucking lineups.

It's so cool. It's all one big crazy-ass family. It's like a big family reunion every fucking time. Incredible. Allie, what the fuck's up? Not much. I'm about to do a bunch of shows, go on the road. Where can people get tickets?

AllieMukowski.com slash shows. Wow. Okay. Perfect. Absolutely. Very efficient. WWW. By the way, that's H-T-T-P, hyper-colon.

A-L-I-M-A-C-O-F-S-K-Y.com slash shows. That's the fucking loopy. Tell us about your life since the last time we saw you. What else has been going on? It's been good. I got a boyfriend. I got one of those. Ooh.

Yeah? It's okay. He's not here. He's not here. He's not? He's not here. He's not here. So...

Wow. Is he a comic or a civilian? No, he's regular. He's regular vibes. That means all you have a chance. If things don't work out, hit up my DMs at notallymac. N-O-T-A-L-I-M-A-C. I read them all.

Alia. A lot of these comics, they're like, I don't read my DMs. I'm like, I watch you before you go on stage. You read them, the DMs. Absolutely. Chris DeLeo for sure. Allegedly. Allegedly reads his DMs.

I love it. Ali fucking Makovsky. Thanks for having me back. Of course. You've been doing it. Yeah. Your podcast is... It's on a little hiatus.

I'm working on something new, so just stay tuned. Oh, somebody's fucking ready for showbiz, huh? Are they gonna make you the new Ellen or something like that? I would love to be the new Ellen. Oh, my God. You could. I want to abuse people. Yeah.

I want to be at that level in my career where I can abuse people and people are like, well, I get it. I get it. I think it's so funny when you see a comic put their podcast on hiatus, it's either because they're working on something incredible for industry, or it's because they fucking relapse on drugs. Yeah, exactly. We have to do it last Wednesday.

There is no in between, but you probably can't talk about it, right? It's some major development deal or something. I can't talk about it, but it's not that exciting. I love it. It's not that exciting, and that's why she put her podcast on hiatus. It's not a little you care about your podcast. What does this boyfriend of yours do for a living? I've corrupted him.

I got him into the podcast biz. What? Yeah. So he has his own podcast? No, no, no, no, no. He's doing engineering, editing. He's behind the scenes. Oh, so he's broke.

Yeah. So you're fucking your slave. Yeah. Putting him to work. There's gotta be benefit for me. Yeah. I love it. What was he doing before he met you, before you got him into the podcast biz?

He was doing app development, coding, all of that stuff. All right. Yeah. Coding? Coding. Who's a coding? Coding. A shitty muscle or a pain pill, right?

Coding. It's the worst one. You've ever been given coding? You're like, what the fuck is this? Well, it's not bad. But whenever you get it, it's the why you don't like it is because you thought you were getting like in an uppercase. I think I'm going to give you time on all of coding and you go, what are you mad at me?

What have you heard things? I hurt more now. Allie, you live by yourself with her? You live with him? No, I live alone. Okay. I might be moving in with him, you know, to cut the costs. Right.

Trying to keep some money in the pocket. Absolutely. But I might be moving to New York. Okay. Whoa. Look at that. That's a big announcement. A Keltoni exclusive.

Absolutely incredible. He'll move with you, right? He'll move with you? Yeah, he'll move with me. What a bitch. I know. It rocks. Fuck yeah.

It's the best. We can have... Laptop, dude. You got a laptop. Yeah, I have to. But right now you've been living by yourself. A question I've been asking people lately is what's the weirdest thing? What would stand out to us if we opened your refrigerator right now?

What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Okay. I have baby food. Oh. Yeah, sometimes... I like like a fucked up snack every once in a while. I like to grow... Like it's not good at all.

I don't enjoy eating them, but sometimes I just like to punish myself. So no baby, just baby food? It's like... It's the little pouches. The packets. Yeah, I'm just squeezing them against you. Yeah, it's like fucked up flavors like banana and beet. You're getting like the good ones because they're kind of expensive.

Yeah, I like to ball out on certain items. You ball out on some baby food. Yeah. You eat snacks like Robocop. That's pretty fit Robocop. That's it right now, dude. When my son was a baby and I would get really high, I would just tear through his baby food. You tear through it?

Tear through it, dude. Just twist off the top. Oh, dude, you just got fucking... You got mashed sweet potato in your cheeks. I tear it again, B. It happens again. Oh, you're hungry too bad. You're a stupid baby.

You should have got to the first idiot. You got to want it more than the next guy. Dude, all the time. Dude, honestly, maybe my favorite high snack is just simply some like fucking... It's always like it's a delicious fruit and a shitty vegetable. They always throw a shitty vegetable. Hair kale. Yeah, dude.

Look at my arm spinach baby pouch. I want one right now. Yeah. They go by so fast too. Like you don't even get to enjoy it if it was good. It's just in and out. Sometimes I'll pocket it like it's a zen pouch. Hell yeah.

Baby food. Allie Makovsky, it is such an honor to see you perform up here. It's so great to see you as a legend in the Kill Tony universe. Someone that's going to be a comedian for the rest of their damn lives. How about a hand for the great Allie Makovsky, everybody? All right, back to the bucket we go. We're fucking doing this. How many of you guys like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Animals. Ruthless. Those lights got brighter, huh? Okie dokie. All right, we actually know this next young man. He's been on this show before. A very funny man from Austin, Texas.

Make some noise for Adam Lucky, everybody. Adam Lucky. I saw him earlier. He's a real guy. He's going to come up with a brand new minute. He's going to get through it uninterrupted any fucking second now. He might be in a war against prison right now. This doesn't feel lucky.

Okie dokie. Adam Lucky. You see anything? There you go. Perfect. That's how it works, that they miss their spot. They fucking miss their spot. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jonah Campos, everybody.

Jonah Campos. Welcome to Showbiz, Steve Baltham. You get your name pulled out of that bucket. You better be there. Jonah Campos. Jonah Campos. We see any movement over there? Jonah?

More like Jonah. More like. We know which two bucket pulls are fucking each other in the men's room right now. Who's this? Is this Jonah? Really? Ok. Jonah Campos.

I'm currently in a relationship. He's in the Navy. He just got back from deployment, so I'm pretty sure that I have chlamydia right now. I like dirty sex. I like getting fingered in the ass sometimes. I know my boyfriend doesn't know this, but I know that he wipes his fingers in my hair after. I'm going to stop you right there. I hope you're done.

That was incredible. You're Jonah Campos? Yes, sir. That's your name? Yeah, Jonah. Ok, Jonah. Very good. You're shaking right now.

Is this your first time performing? This is my second time. Second time ever performing. Both of those jokes were great jokes. That was legitimately really good. Why are you so nervous? You should be happy. You should be excited.

Dude, it rules to be a cute chick. Everyone was so on your side. You were just a shlub, shithead dude. And then went up there and just started shaking. Everyone was like, this is fucking jerk off. Jerk off. Jerk off. She remember, she was like this and everyone was like, you're going to do so.

I already want to laugh. It's so true. Once you see a girl up there shaking, everyone in the crowd, well, we almost protect her. Yeah. She's like, sorry, but you have to fight a bunch of video game bosses to win me. It is wild. She's like, she's like a skank best at, she's hot. She's like, she's trembling, which is even hotter in my opinion.

I love her trembling. The Lewis rape you when you're here confronting your attack. She goes, I told you I was brave. You son of a bitch. You told me I would never have the balls. It is incredible. It was like, I love this girl. Hot, trembling and within reaching distance.

It's all I need. No one knows where's that. No one's looking for her. Hot and trembling. You are Michael J. Foxy. You know what I'm saying? It's been a long week, I barely have any lunch. So Jonah, let's talk about it.

What's it like having the name Jonah and being like how you are? That's an interesting one, right? Yeah, I get asked if I'm a transgender. Uh-huh. And what do you say to that question? No. Oh dude, if I found out she had a dick right now, she'd be going to Jamaica next week. I'd be angry at that.

Hey Jonah. Hey Jonah. Lewis is like, I like a finger in my ass too. Alright, so Jonah, let's talk about it. Where the fuck are you from? I'm from California, unfortunately. California, absolutely. What part?

Orange County. Orange County, no doubt. What do you do for work? What fucking video store do you work at? What's going on here? Last blockbuster do you fucking work at? That was a perfect fucking prescription. What's 7-Eleven do you work overnight at?

Let me know if you need any help. Any move recommendations? Shining is every... Um, I work in dietary for a, like a retirement home. Oh, alright. Alright. Hell yeah. Dietary in the retirement home.

We've seen this porno before. No doubt about it. What do you like to do for fun, Jonah Campos? Get your asshole fingered. Other than that, I mean. Run. I like to jog. She's like, well, I'm currently thinking about going to prison in Oregon.

I read, I do yoga, but mostly I like to stand in place and shake. I'm in the Quake community. Are you guys aren't Quakers? Oh, sorry. I guess Vegas hasn't got the new fad yet. You guys must not be TikTokers. Go ahead. I like Quake Learnit.

That's what I like. How did you end up here? I love Legionous Ginks. Oh, yeah. I think, you know that, I think what Red Band's asking, I think you're giving off, like, hitchhiker energies right now. I think Red Band's literally asking, like, how did you get here? I took a plane by myself.

Aww. Can you believe this is the girl that doesn't eat baby food? I mean, this is incredible. This is insane. I took an airplane all by myself. When a series of five truckers got me here, only three of them took what they wanted. When the way she shook through saying I took a plane by myself,

it sounds like she was the only one on that plane. Like, did you fly it? Were you? No, she was saying it like, I was a big girl this weekend. I got on a plane. I feel like you had one of those, like, flight attendants that had to, like, take over for your parents that walked you to the airport.

You know what I mean? They got to deliver you to your aunt in Florida. How old are you? I'm 22. 22? Hot. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah.

So an abortion would ruin everything forever? Whatever, dude. She's talking about, dude, am I crazy? How hot is it that she's trembling right now? It's the best. The fear attracts me. She started to turn me on, she's shaking her thigh at me. Hell yeah.

Why are you making Louis want you? What's wrong with you? I think it was a superhero's movie, or was it in that show, Heroes? Remember when there was a villain who was made stronger by your fear? That's what you're doing to Louis right now. If you just get it together, he's powerless over you. But stop shaking.

You keep talking until you drop down and hug his leg. I'll keep you safe, Jonah. Louis is in love. Stop shaking. You did a great job. You killed him. You fucking killed him. Be happy.

If I was this anxious about being on stage, there was no way I would ever go on stage. It seems like it'd be a pretty big fucking rush. It seems like it'd be pretty exciting, huh? How do you feel right now? I'm dissociating. You're funny. Do people tell you that you're funny in Orange County?

Do people in the retirement home and stuff that you work at? Do they tell you you're funny and shit? Yo, I felt Louis was moving for sure. He says I'm a boner. We were kind of joking, but I felt it, and it's definitely changing. Well, I mean, Tony just asked her how she's feeling right now. She's killing in front of this huge show, and her answer was the answer of how you'd feel when you're getting raped.

No, dude. I like it. I'm riding above myself. I'm with Louis. I'm starting to think it's sultry. You're like, how do you feel about how you did it? And she's like, sticky. I feel pretty sticky about it.

You are incredibly funny. Orange County is only, I think, an hour and a half drive from San Diego. How would you like to open Big J Okrason's New Year's Eve show? Give her five minutes, Big J. Come on, I'll pay for it. 100%. She's up. Come on.

Yeah. This is Kill Tony. That is an hour and a half drive. That is one trucker rape. Close your eyes, grit down bare, you'll get through it. Read his formers almanac while he finishes on your back. Just to mean, and you're going to get five minutes. I don't mean to reign on this parade, but the opening spot isn't really J's to give away anymore.

But if you want to open for that last guy, who will be headlining the show. No, absolutely. I'm there that whole weekend. Please come through and hang out. Meet Kim, Congdon and Jason Ellis, man. Jonah, I find it absolutely incredible that the episode that you make your debut on happens to be an episode in which we get Kim Congdon, who started at the age of 21 on the show, Allie Mikofsky, who started at the age of 20. We're seeing you for the first time, your second time ever on stage at the age of 22.

And you just got another gig out of it. Absolutely incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time for Jordan Campos, everybody. Oh, yeah. Hey, here, take one of these. Can you catch? Here we go. She's a fucking Jedi knight. She was great, dude. I'd say outside shot, me and her finger each other's assholes in San Diego, California.

How about one more time? Even I find that whole thing amazing. One more time for Jonah, everybody. I do this shit all the time. That was fucking, that was really genuine and interesting. The fear makes it exciting. What do you think? Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? Fucking do it. We're having fun here tonight. Probably not going to be able to follow that kind of momentum, but let's try it anyway. Make some noise for John Burns, everyone.

Let's see what happens here. John Burns is next. Here, live on Hill Tony, live from... It's not better to be scared and hot. Here he comes, everybody. Make some noise for John Burns, everyone. Thank you, Lewis. What's up, guys? My name is John Burns. I come from a family of sheep farmers. No, we don't fuck the sheep.

All right. Came out here with my dad. We came out camping. Came up to me one day. He said, John, I just saw aliens. I just saw aliens. Wasn't aliens. Just an interracial couple. I've never served in the military. I've wanted to. Like, I've really wanted to serve in the military.

I feel like it sometimes. Mainly because my wife fucks other guys. Did you have something else that you wanted to do? I had a stupid... I had a stupid one. I do this cute thing with my girlfriend. I get on my back and I paw like a cat. She calls me cute. She calls me a cat.

Actually, a pussy faggot. She calls me a pussy faggot. Incredible. Never saw that one coming. One more time for John Burns, everybody. John, welcome to the show. How's it going, my friend? John, over here, little buddy. How's it going? Welcome to the show. How are you? Good, dude. Awesome. Having a great time. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for?

This is my second time, first time. Second time ever! Isn't it crazy? You see the difference between natural talent and whatever that was? Isn't that amazing? I love it. So welcome to the show, John. Where in the farmland that you were talking about do you live? Santa Rosa, California.

What's it called? San what? Santa Rosa. Okay, very good. And you live out there, what? By yourself? With family? No, with my girlfriend. Okay, so you really don't have a wife? No, no, that was just jokes.

Did you ever have a wife? No. Okay, so you have a girlfriend. How long have you been with her? Four years. What do you do for work? Now I'm a plumber's apprentice. A plumber's apprentice. What a shitty job.

You watch a guy plum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A guy that hates me, plum. This guy sees more crap than a Detroit police officer. You know what I'm saying? Stupid. Hold this bucket of shit for me, apprentice. I have to change a pipe like a real plumber.

Here's not my plunger. That's Donald Trump's worst nightmare is being the host of a new show called the Plumber's Apprentice. John Burns, you're a plumber's apprentice. You've been with the lady for four years. What does she do out there in the middle of nowhere? She's a banker. She's a what? A banker.

A banker. A banker works at a bank. Okay. I thought these were all jobs in the game of life. Yeah. I run the grocery. I am a police man. The interracial couple's job.

Yes, Dave is a treasurer. The interracial couple joke. What did you mean? I heard it. I got confused for a second because some people laughed. I don't know. I thought it was fine. I thought it was like you're dead.

It's like an old racist. Yeah. I like thinking my dad's a big racist because he's a big Democrat. So I just, I call him a racist all the time. Oh yeah. That's the fucking Democrats N word right there. Very interesting. The Democrats N word is Obama.

Still got it. Three days in, dude. Hell yeah, bro. Core values. So John Burns making your Kiltoni debut. Tell me what is the most interesting thing do you think about your entire life? You ever save anybody's life? You have any special skills or talents?

You ever win a trophy for anything? You suck on baby food like a weirdo? No, nothing. I'm pretty uninteresting, I guess. I agree. I did have sex with a girl and jump out of a two-story balcony hotel room. Okay, rewind. It was in Mexico for senior trip.

He's like, I'm gay. No, it was a girl, not a guy. A girl. Not a guy. Okie dokie. That kills in Santa Rosa. Dude, I can't tell you the craziest thing about you is what you do to your water bottle, what the fuck is going on?

Oh my god, what'd you do? Let the last comedian hold onto it? Yeah. She had palsy hands. So can we hear about this two-story jump? So right after you fucked this girl, you were like, there's no time for elevators, man. Well, I was just drunk and I was having sex with her in the hotel room and her dad walked in. Oh my god.

I mean, she later told me it was her dad, it could have been anybody, I was just running. You're having sex with her in a hotel and the dad walks in? Yes. Why do we live in a hotel? Well, yeah. And I didn't know what floor, I just went out to the balcony and I jumped. So you didn't know who it was and you said, I'm willing to maybe die for this? Well, I wasn't going towards the door.

Because the girl fucked you in her parents' fast hotel room? The story is a fucking lie. It's a fabrication. It might be bullshit. He's bullshitting us right now. He had no interesting story. I like that story. I liked it when it was the subject of a movie called Summer Resort with Rob Morrow and young Johnny Depp.

So did the dad tell you? Tell us about when you met the girl and you had to lower your sunglasses. I don't really have that many interesting stories. I guess there was this one time that I shot a helicopter with an anti-ballistic missile. But if you want me to tell that old thing. I live in a small town and the Russians dropped down on parachutes, took the place over. Me and my friends started like a young, cool fucking group called the Wolverines. I want to go back to this story.

I got to slow it down for a second and get back to the actual fucking story. So you meet this girl that night. Did she tell you that her dad might be coming back at any moment? She told me later that it was her dad. So it wasn't her dad, by the way. Was she just sharing a hotel with her dad or was it all family? It was just a guy. Where did you meet this girl at?

The resort. You just met her there, where? At a pool party and then we later went to the beach. If you can think back, did she say it was her dad or her daddy? The story isn't real. He goes, anyway, I had to leave because I had ninja class in the morning. So you're having sex with a girl, what's the position? You in missionary doggy style, what's happening?

Yeah, I was her laying on the bed and me on the end of the bed. We're going to break her leg off the bed. The story is kind of falling apart right now. He's like, missionary doggy, it was a big combo with the two. I'm very good at reading people. I'm telling you right now, something doesn't add up about this story. When Tony said, was it missionary doggy style and he went, yep. That made me agree with you.

Oh, missionary doggy. Yeah, I'm playing on missionary doggy. Well, I don't really care about the story anymore, John. But where'd you land? What's that? When you jumped out of the balcony, where'd you land? Bushes. It was a Mexican resort, so every hotel was the same.

So that's why I thought I could just go to the balcony and jump off and run on the plants. But it was a bush. Right. After all manicured because you were in Mexico. John Burns, thank you for making your Kiltoni debut as second time member on stage. Here's a little joke about John. Can you catch? Wow, there he goes.

The water bottle got a little more crumbled up on that one. All right. I mean, this is normally where we could end the show. But I don't know. What do you think? Should we do one more bucket pool real quick? All right. Let's see what happens here.

We're in a little over time. Thank you all for hanging out. And how about one more time for my friends, the Legion of Skanks. Fucking hell. Throwing the greatest goddamn party on planet Earth. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for what appears to be your final bucket pool of the night. She goes by the name of Jill Carlson.

Here we go. Time to put a ribbon on this fucking amazing present. Jill Carlson is I'm sure coming. Indeed. Here she comes. Make some noise for Jill. Come on. Hello.

Thank you. Hi, guys. How's it going? I just wanted to thank you. I invested in gold on powder before this weekend. Y'all fuckers made me rich. Thank you so much. So a lot of people think I'm a lesbian and I'm not.

I have a type. Some of you guys match with me. Fat bald losers without driver's licenses. Hi, I'm here. But I thought, you know, I'm 40. I'm so single. And so maybe I am gay. So I decided to match with a woman on Tinder.

She was a Buddhist lesbian. I was like, that's nice. She's peaceful. But then she started writing to me. And ladies, have you seen the fucking paragraphs we write to men? God damn, they're so fucking long. Then she started sending me emojis. And it was like lightning bolt, Bulgarian flag, broken heart.

I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're trying to say to me, bitch. So we went out to lunch and she said, I want to take you to a Tibetan restaurant because I'm a Buddhist. She was white. She wasn't from Tibet. I'm going to show you the food of my people. Then she didn't talk the entire time. Just stuck non-interface. Thank you ladies for laughing.

Fuck all you guys for not laughing. Ladies, thank you. But she sat till the entire day. She didn't say anything at the end. She took a deep breath and she said, My energy does not have to match your energy. So I go to that bitch. Our energy is matching now.

Don't think. Thank you guys. That's my time. That's my job. Chill Carlos. Thank you. Welcome to the show. Hello.

Do you think people think that you're a lesbian because it looks like you like to eat out a lot? Maybe. Perhaps. I don't know. It could just be the fact that I don't. I just like to emasculate men. I don't know. Maybe that's what it is.

I'm not sure. I love it, Jill. Thank you. I feel like you have the energy of a woman's prisoner in Oregon. I'm a divorce lawyer. It's perfect. Really? You are?

I am. You look like Big J when we first started the show. Absolutely. Absolutely. I had that care energy right through the fucking door. You're gonna watch your old clips. Nah dude. I like this shit.

She has Vegas tits. It looks like. Thank you. You know sometimes when I think of something in my mind, it makes me laugh, but I don't know if the audience will get it exactly. But the only way I can describe it, it looks like if she got a new tattoo on her titty, it would be faded already. It's on my ass.

It's right here. It's right here on my ass. That's the one. God, what is it? Whatever she gets a tattoo on. It's a butterfly, but somebody asked me if it was too funny. Oh my God. Mostly butter, folks.

Mostly butter. There you go. Way to step on an actual joke. Good job, Jill. Sorry. It's a butterfly. I'm a killer and I'm a control freak. I apologize.

I love it. What do you control other than a fork and a spoon? What the fuck are you talking about? Thank you. You don't control shit here. Yes. I am. You're on my pirate ship now, Jill.

I am the producer of the Four Corners Comedy Festival. Whoa. Name-dropper. The what? Thank you. I can't believe it has four corners. Your festival seems like it would be round. Thank you very much.

Shall we go for it? I lost weight for you, asshole. Look at this. Holy shit. Where did you lose it? This is the after picture. It is. Thank you.

I tried really hard to drink a shit on the water before I came here. That's what you think losing weight is? I also took a lot of math at that time. But what? I love it. Water and math. Our parents go, we told her losing means gaining and gaining means losing. Jill.

Tell us about your comedy festival. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be... I actually have ran a comedy festival in Durango, Colorado. And it's been... I just had our fifth year out of Dominguez from Las Vegas. And our Ruiz, who was on Kill Tony, were my headliners. And I actually produced shows here in Las Vegas,

including a show called Toxic Femininity. All right. Which is a female show. All right. That's enough. Jesus. Sounds awesome. Oh my God.

I'm so glad you called me last. Dude, how is your personality less hot than your physicality? It is incredible. Because I worked very hard to cultivate it. Jill, you don't need to answer rhetorical questions. So you live in Colorado? I actually am moving to Phoenix and Vegas to do stuff starting November 7th. I'm going to do comedy shows.

Okay. So you live in Colorado? I'm actually kind of like nomadic homeless right now between scenes. Doing comedy production. Oh, fuck. You're unbearable, Jill. For the small people. Jesus Christ.

This is my arch nemesis right here. Dude, I don't know what happened. All right. Tony, tell her she doesn't have to answer rhetorical questions. That's right. He just answers a goofy question. She goes, well, funny thing. Oh my God.

Are you really homeless if you're built like a house? Actually. Thank you. No Tony. Why? It's skank fence. Las Vegas, Nevada. Jill, very much fun.

I love people of all different. Thank you. I did not know that this was like the Marvel Universal in South comics, but I figured it out at the end of the weekend. So thank you guys very much. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you.

God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you.

God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you.

God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you.

God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you.

God bless you. God bless you. How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you?

How are you doing? How are you doing? How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you? You, you, you, you, you. You, you, you, you.

You won't say how. You won't make any moreastic allegations. You'll getbertiful. You've always got your nose on the floor. You wanna half mistress. You wanna aman't' kick it in or what. You wanna get the top half hired by more lord. No borders.

What are yourزaw000FFs? Who are they? Who are they? Oh, are they nuts? No, no, no. No. Who are they? And but the way they know it is.

I know all the good ones. Come on. People are of all different styles. How about one, she had the courage to sign up. How about one more time for chill parts? All right. She had the courage to sign up in this ten minute of walk up. The whole thing was brave.

We had one girl that had the shakes, and one girl that had the milkshakes. I just can't stand it when people talk over the guests and answer rhetorical questions. So if you're wondering where this anger comes from, it's very simple. Well, there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen.

And as some of you may know, I'm sure some of you were at the first show. I'm sure some of you took a smoke break at some point and you probably caught the unrecognized, the very, very recognizable face of your next comedian, who is an absolute legend on the show. You've seen a few of the regulars here tonight. This guy has done more new minutes on the show

than any other comedian ever. He is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. Here's another new one by the great William Montgomery. You'll better have fun tonight. Apparently most of the bodies they're finding in Lake Mead or shitty comics. Like that last bitch. What the fuck happened there?

I swear if Taylor Swift writes another breakup song about us, I'm gonna fucking lose it. Two songs was the limit. Now three, Taylor, get over me already. I didn't want to say this, but Taylor actually used to do blackface in the bedroom. Granted it was my fetish, but she was into it. She used to make me call her Lawrence Taylor Swift.

Since the movie gives no other clues, Shrek likely rejects the teachings of Jesus and he's in hell in the DreamWorks universe. I'm the teacher that promised that piece of body. That's another one I'm trying. I did one earlier. I'm just trying to figure out who that is. I shouldn't have.

It's Denzel Washington maybe as a teacher. Okay, that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery strikes again. William, how do you feel? Well, I'm feeling a little niffed right now. Louis, why didn't I get a fucking welcome bag when I got up here? Why was I not on any of the things saying I would be here?

I swear to God, it was in the fucking contract that my name would be on the fucking flyer. It was not. I haven't even received a welcome bag yet, Louis. Anything you want to say to me? You want to apologize? It is true, Louis. I'm fucking pissed right now, Louis.

It's fucked up! It's fucked up! William, we don't normally, I don't normally apologize for things, but I'll tell you right now, I've got my face. I am sorry. Thank you. That's all I wanted.

Aww, look at this. The Big Red Machine hugging the medium brown machine. Incredible. The rattlesnake and the vanilla gorilla. That could have gone one of two ways, but I never saw that being the outcome. I am not saying that we're about to hug. What the fuck is that?

But no, hold on. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What do you mean, one of two ways? You're right. Let me make myself clear. My series, what were you talking about? Hey, dude, listen, I don't want any problems. Let me try to explain myself.

I thought Louis was going to beat the shit out of you on this stage. But then he hugged you, and that was pretty cool. I know, that was sweet. Now, look, William, should you guys know, William was, we've been doing this for a long time, killed Tony, you guys are fucking West Coast brothers, and they're not fucking Austin faggots. He's a West Coast faggot.

Way better. No, I'm not anymore. No, I don't give a shit what you say about us. You're still my West Coast faggot, okay? I guess, alright. I mean, you don't speak very highly of Los Angeles. Los Angeles kind of sticks, I feel like you're shining light in Los Angeles.

Austin's way worse. Austin's fucking horrible. God damn it. Oh, you're crazy, but it's okay. I'll let you say it. You're wrong so often that I'll just let you say that, and I'll play it back later. Austin is two streets of homeless people trying to stab you. Well, if you've been there in the last few months, last homeless people. Wait, hold on a second, are you really going to talk to Tony like that?

I was in Philadelphia with Tony! I was in Boston with Tony! We were eating ecstasy! Well, I told you... I got trapped in a bathroom! That's true. I literally got trapped in a fucking bathroom for three fucking hours in that hotel room.

Tony finally got me out. I don't know how he did it. He somehow jingled something with the four of us like a doorknob. I don't know what you did, Tony, but that was a life-saving move. William, I apologize earlier, this is a weird question, but I think you look fantastic, number one. But did you lose a bunch of weight, or do I just think you're supposed to be fat?

No, no, no, I'll tell you what happened. Unlike the last comedian, he actually lost a bunch of weight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you look great, dude! Yeah, what a stupid fat kid he was! I swear to God... Yeah, I can actually almost... I can now see my penis. And then I swear to God, it has been ten years.

I can almost see it now. If I suck at my stomach a little bit, I can see it. Or as I call it, the little red machine. Tony's on in the bathroom. What kind of penis do you have, William? I haven't actually seen it. Describe it for these people. If someone were to pants you right now, what would we see?

Does the curtains match the drapes? Or is there red hair on the sides of it and not on the top? It's a lot of purple. It's a lot of the color purple. My penis, I got in this weird... That's how funny I thought it was, lady. I'm like, what? Nothing? I pictured the bush.

A lot of red hair hanging from the balls. I see you right now. You have to shut up, bitch. I swear to God, I haven't slept in three fucking days. I literally got trapped in another fucking bathroom. Twenty minutes before I got on stage. What did you say? I can hear you, bitch!

Did my friend... All right, for my trap. Did my friend happen to make it here by any chance? My one buddy? No? All right. That would have been sweet. Is Tyler here?

Yeah. I have no idea what that was, but that was the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's like... Any chance my dad popped through to watch this show tonight? No? No, he didn't. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Did Thomas Hinchcliffe check in?

Whatever, it was still a good festival. It doesn't matter. It was. It was perfect. I was going to have Nate Diaz come up here and smack William Montgomery, but... Maybe another day. Maybe another day. Maybe the 10-year anniversary episode or something like that. You really plan that out, Tony?

No, not exactly a plan. Everything with Nate is very loosely planned. But yeah, we're friends from the old gay state of California, you retard Lewis. Dude, I won't beat up anybody from California. Anybody. I don't respect the state. Oh my God. But they have to fight in winter coats.

Did you fight? What's his name here? No, me and Ellison are fighting April 8th. April 8th. April 8th. Where's that at? Las Vegas, Nevada. Wow.

Okay. Lewis just made the odds closer now because he's now also taking it up the ass. He really is. I've seen the videos. Have you all seen these videos? William. Okay. Montgomery, you are a fucking legend on the show.

This is the end of this episode. I want you to look out at these people and put a ribbon on this thing for everybody. Look out there and give your own closing fucking statement for this episode. These are some of the best fucking comedy fans on planet Earth. You wait more minutes than anybody. I didn't plan this, but I'm going to force you to improvise right now. Put a little ribbon on this episode for us, William. I want to thank from the bottom of my heart everyone coming here.

I swear to God, a couple days ago, I thought I was about to not be able to breathe anymore. I was literally trapped in this bathroom. The door to the bathroom, I swear to God. It was like this really hard floor and the door had the suction thing. I swear to God, I was running out of air. Tony busted through. I was trapped in the fucking bathroom earlier here. I made it out, so thank you all so much for making it out.

William Montgomery. Come on, people. One more time for William. I know you've been cheering all weekend. We're all moos in our voices, but we got here today. Ladies and gentlemen, we did it again. How loud can this place get for our friends, the great Legion of Skanks? Nick Smith, Nick, Jay, Overset, Lewis, Jay, Gomez.

Thanks for the noise from motherfucking Brian, the guy that invented podcasting. We love you guys so much. Thank you so much, everybody. We'll see you at the next one ever. We love you. Love you. Good night. Fuck yeah.

That's it for us. What do I mean? I've never been here before. I've never been here before. I've never been here before.