KILL TONY - #583 - TIM DILLON

Episode Date: November 17, 2022

Tim Dillon, John Deas, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, David Lucas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/31/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.—Kimpton Hotel Van Zandt – Save on Sunday and Monday nights when you stay at Hotel Van Zandt using this link: CLICK HERE!

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for it, Tony! I'm Alec Baldwin. You guys ready to have some fucking fun tonight or what, huh? Hey, make some noise for Brian Red Band. Hey, everybody!

Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs on planet Earth. And of course, Deep Eddie Vodka, also from here in Austin, Texas, the best vodka. You guys ready to have some fucking fun tonight, huh? How about a hand for the best damn band in the land? That's the Kill Tony band, brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. That's the great John Dees on the drums, Paul Deemer on the horns. That's the great Max Frost joining us tonight on the electric guitar all the way to the

right there. That's Matt Mueling and of course that's D-Madness right down the middle. We're going to have fun tonight before we start the show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here for free right now. Hey, y'all! You might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up

comedian and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. On December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now, get tickets while you still can. Hey, y'all!

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Tonight, one of the greatest comics on planet Earth is sitting at this table with us. For her first time on the show, make some noise for the one and only Amy Schumer. Yes! This is Hill Tony. Great, Amy Schumer is here live in the flesh. And a special treat. Here she is. The place is in shambles.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm here to collect some jokes. Yes, indeed. You are going to be in for some tricks and some treats tonight. Thank you so much. It's an honor to have you. Yes.

You've been on the show. Actually, this is technically your first time or your 19th, depending on how we look at it. It's my first time and my agent was very upset, but I said, I can do this because Tony's a faggot. That's true. As soon as I found that out, I came running here with my huge pussy. It really is.

My big, rich pussy. It really is incredible. I can see it from here. It's a thing of beauty. Well, Amy, you might not know how it works, but you only get to collect 60 seconds of material from the people that come up here tonight. You guys know the 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood

bear. And that's just a loud noise that stops them from speaking. And then I interview them afterwards and we find out more about them and the whole thing's improvised in the moment. You guys ready to start this fucking thing? Well, instead of reaching into this bucket that is filled with hopefuls names, I think we should start it with a bang. This guy opens up every single one of these shows with a brand new minute.

Over a year ago, he was living in his van. Now he's rich and wildly successful. Fresh off the London O2 Arena. This is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up, guys? I'm not into skinny chicks because I'm not into chicks that are shaped like little boys. I'm into thick chicks because I'm into chicks that are shaped like fat men. A lot of women get mad at me because I'm always trying to fuck them.

They're like, you don't even like me for who I am. You just like my pussy. I'm like, well, you just like me for who I am. You don't even like my penis. Where are we in life when we can't even enjoy the little things? But yeah, I recently bought a moped, which is fun, fun way to get around town. It's kind of nerve-wracking because I have to watch out for potholes or drivers on cell phones or a teenager lowering his shoulder.

Thank you. All right. Hans Kim did it again, another full new minute of material, very, very covered a lot of topics there. Skinny chicks, you compared to boys, and then big chicks you said are like big men. Are you gay, Hans? I think I'm just into dudes, skinnier fat. You admitted to having a little penis and you told us that you got a moped.

Is this true? Yes. I got a moped like a true Asian. That is incredible. I always wondered how you were going to die. Now I know. That's very exciting. Have you had any trouble with it yet?

I've had trouble picking up chicks. It's hard to fit them on there. I had an e-bike before and now I have a moped, so I think it's an upgrade, technically. Okay. I return. When you say you're into bigger chicks, Hans, are we talking about our guests here tonight? First of all, I love Ally Wong. Thank you for coming.

Hans looking like he's coming fresh out of the stampede this weekend. How did that happen? Is that a South Korean thing? Yeah. I mean, we don't value ourselves very highly, so we just stack ourselves into little alley ways. Okie-dokie. I love it, Hans, and what are you dressed as exactly here?

I'm maxed from where the wild things are. That's adorable. Thank you. I don't think I know what that is. Yeah, you do. It's a children's book. They should not sell that costume to adults. The FBI should have taken your phone number when you bought that.

Hell yeah. Where'd you get it from? Where do you get a costume like that? I got it from Lucy in Disguise. Okay, and local legends, Lucy in Disguise. Local Austin favorite. I love it. What else is going on?

Very good. Thank you. What else is going on in life, Hans? I've been spending some of my money. I recently took my girlfriend to Eddie V's restaurant. Wow. That's a good steakhouse here in town. I spent $150 on her.

What were some of the things when you were going over the menu that you tried to budget and stuff? Because you're a very thrifty spender. We know this about you. I tried to budget out her enormous appetite. She got the mashed potato and the salmon and an alcoholic drink, but yeah, it was only $150. All right.

What did you tip? 20%. I pulled out my calculator. Wow. Incredible. Calculators, mopeds, the boys, as Asian as it gets. I love it, Hans. What else?

Am I missing anything else? I went to a G-Eazy concert yesterday. Okay. Did a little jig. Okay. What's his biggest hit? Me, myself, and I. I'm getting old over here, I guess.

Anything else for this guy? No, I just, I am also Asian, and so everything you say makes sense to me, and I make my husband dressed like that. This is all true. Hans, you got the show started tonight. We're going to get to this bucket. Thank you so much, Hans. Thank you, everybody.

Here we go. All right. So you get it. They come out, they do a minute, I interview them, but this is where shit gets crazy because literally anybody can sign up for this show. I know Hans. Hans is like my youngest son, but now I'm about to meet a complete stranger and we're going to talk to them.

You guys ready for this shit? Our first bucket pool tonight goes by the name of Samantha Corrigliano. Samantha. Samantha Corrigliano. Samantha Corrigliano. We got eyes on Samantha. No, nothing. All right.

Oh, she's coming. Oh, okay. Samantha coming from the deepest parts of the building. Female comedy. Here she is again. Samantha Corrigliano. Samantha Corrigliano. I'm going to do this.

Please. I'm going to do this. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh. All right. Samantha Corrigliano. Samantha Corrigliano. Female comedy.

Here she is, everybody. Samantha Corrigliano. All right. Happy Halloween. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about two and a half years now. And we got into the point where we need to really discuss some deal breakers. For me, cheating. However, a little hypocritical because we do also have a polygamy pact.

So it's okay for me to let him hook up with his guy friends. You know, everybody's a little bit gay. So why not just let him try? He's not gay enough to stay with them. So if anything, he'll learn. So let him get fucked in the ass a little. He'll learn how to treat my asshole a little bit better. Yeah.

Another thing. Straight women and all women watch a lot of lesbian porn. Why? Women are much better at giving other women head. So are men better at giving other men head? Samantha Corrigliano. Am I saying that correctly? Canigliaro.

What is it? Canigliaro. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't think I'm allowed to say that. It's a little tricky down that middle part, huh? Sure does. It's about as Italian as a last name gets. Say it one more time.

Canigliaro. Oh my goodness gracious. Careful. Wow. I feel like I shouldn't make fun of you now or someone's going to kill me. I'm just kidding. I'm going to make fun of you. Now it's great.

I love your style. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This was my first time. Wow, first time. As a female comic, just know that it's very tough. You'll get raped several times. That's what we all have to go through. And then you'll make a choice because there's two types of female comics.

There's kind of hot bitch and obnoxious fat cunt. And I've been both. And I'm telling you right now, I'd love you to open for me. I'd love to take you on the road. And if you ever did well, I would kill you. Yes. Amy motherfucking Schumer is in the house. Samantha, what have you been doing up until this point?

So I came with my boyfriend from Richmond, Virginia. Oh wow, some Richmond, Virginia fans up there. I didn't realize we're having a fucking Confederate reenactment. I love this. Oh yeah. Very exciting. So you and your boyfriend came from Richmond, Virginia. What do you guys do there?

We like to take long walks by the river. Long walks by the river. Seriously though, Samantha? We do a lot. We like to disc golf. He actually does stand-up there. So kind of funny that I got caught up now. What do you do for a living?

I do software sales. Software sales, yeah. I believe that's a thing. Interesting, Samantha. Now what made you sign up tonight? I have been watching this for a long time and didn't want it to slip for a chance to just come on up and try. Right, but you said that your boyfriend does stand-up comedy? Yep.

How long has he been doing stand-up comedy? Just under a year now. Just under a year. And you realize that you probably took his opportunity here tonight. When I pulled the name out of the bucket, he's waited a whole year for this. And you're like, I'm just going to go up there and fucking steal the show. Hell yeah. What's your boyfriend's name?

Steve Jones. Steve Jones. You guys think we should see a minute from Steve Jones, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, let's see who the funnier is in this couple. This guy just got threatened to get fucked in the ass by his own girlfriend. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the kill Tony debut of Steve Jones, everybody. Here we go. Where's Steve at?

Here he comes. Here comes Steve, everybody. Hell yeah. There he is. Put your hands together for Steve Jones, everyone. So I just moved in with my girlfriend. She's really nice. She's actually a triplet.

That's really interesting. She also just let me know that she's down with three sums. So you guys know what I'm thinking. I want to have sex with both of her brothers. She get upset. She's like, you cheated on me with both of my brothers? I thought it was you. I just got a new weed dealer.

The weed's really fucking good. I know it's so good because last night I was up late, good going heart attack symptoms. Used to smoke a lot of weed in high school, especially before class. This one time I smoked weed before class, my friend, he was trying to look out for me. He came up and he was like, dude, just a heads up. You smell loud. I was like, holy shit. I thought I was high, but this guy can smell sounds.

Thank you, everybody. Wow, look at that. Steve Jones. My goodness. Hello, Tony. Hello, Steve. Welcome to the show. You're dressed like you just came here from Richmond, Virginia.

You have the type of face I was expecting you to like sound sad or something like that. I thought you were going to be like, I just want to sing a song. You have that fucking hairdo that people that you like that type of music, don't you? It was a summer of friendship. We were friends all summer long. Where are you? All right. This band's out of control.

You've got to love these guys. So let's talk about it, Steve. What do you do for a living? I'm an accountant. Wow. You guys are fucking living it up. Richmond, Virginia accountant and a software sales person. My goodness.

How long have you two been together? Like two and a half years. There you go. Two and a half years. Where'd you guys meet? Through a couple mutual friends. Right. That sounds about right.

I'm in your guys' fields. It's kind of hard to get out there and meet people, right? Sure. Okay. And how soon after meeting was the first time you guys hooked up? You guys seem like you've only done the missionary position if I had to guess. Well, she actually asked me out. Whoa.

Look out. It's very hot. Yeah. And then what happened? We made out in her car. Whoa. What kind of car? What kind of car was it?

RAV4. Wow. Okay. All right. The classic car from making a murder. I do have a special talent. Oh, you do? Hold on.

She just said, without the microphone, she said that she has a special talent. I do have a special talent that I'd like to share. Every woman does. I don't think a lot of women have this. Every woman does. So I can burp really disgustingly loud. You can burp disgustingly loud? All right.

All sound effects and keyboards and everything off. I have to hear what this sounds like. This is unbelievable. So you can hear it as I bring the air in and then as I push out. Okay. Two sounds. Oh my God. Holy shit.

She's bending over kind of. Oh, no, it's stuck. Oh, my God. Woo. You activated the back lights for that. Turns out our fucking lighting guy loves burps. Acid reflex. That's the first time a comic stole my bit.

I should have had the light. My God. Absolutely incredible. How about you, Steve Jones, if that really is your name? Do you have any special skills or talents? How are you going to match that burp? Are you going to let fucking say that's impossible to really? Can you do that with your asshole? I love it.

All right. Well, okay. You going to propose to her or anything like that? I mean, it seems like pretty. Do you live here in Austin right now? No. No. All right.

Never mind. Now they're just visiting from Richmond, Virginia. Are you here Thursday? Yeah. I'd love to have you open up the secret show. Look at that. Incredible. He got a real gig out of it.

You guys also each get a joke book. There you go. One for the first timer there and one for Amy. No, don't eat it. How about one more time for our first two bucket pools tonight? Samantha and Steve Jones. Very suspicious name. I don't trust it at all.

You guys ready for more? You get it? You see how it works. Your next comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Javier Gomez. Javier Gomez. Javier Gomez. Some long treks to the stage so far here tonight. Very interesting.

Is there a Javier coming? No? That's so interesting. All right. How about Matt Alvarez? Matt Alvarez. Okay. Here he comes right from the front of the gates.

I see him already. This guy's ready to go. Make some noise one more time for Matt Alvarez getting a standing ovation. Everybody keeps asking me if I'm some sort of sad clown. It's my fucking day off. Where am I comfortable clothes? You know, I've been doing this job goddamn 30 years. Kids nowadays all they want to see is goddamn TikTok dances.

I'm not doing the goddamn doggie. 30 years. I went to clown college. I work with kids all day. I got clown kids running around my house. And one of them's not even half clown. I married a regular woman. Full human kid.

Wow. Matt Alvarez. Can I say if it was a choice between John Wayne Gacy doing that and what he did? I'm glad he murdered the kids. I am with you on that, my friend. That was bad all the way around. D-Madness is out of here. He has no idea you're wearing clown face paint.

He doesn't give a fuck. I love it. Okay. So Matt, let's talk about it. Am I talking to Matt or the clown guy? Yeah, this is Matt. I don't normally talk like that. Well, first of all, let's start here.

Before you came up here and bombed as a clown horrendously, you got high fives from the three guys at this table. Do you know them or something? No, I met them outside. They had a ticket. They bought an extra table or something. That's his seat. Wow, incredible.

I didn't want to pay the $20. There was like 20 bucks. I was like, I'll just stand. I got a pretty good standing spot over there. Okay. See you're poor? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

What do you do for work? I'm a student, but I'm a writing tutor. All right. What are you studying? I business, so. Okay. Man, I can't tell what the fuck you are. Why did you talk in the voice?

Well, okay. So I don't normally ever do that, but I've got this costume on. So yesterday I did this. I had a mic. I had more of a bit, more time. It did pretty well. And I was like, well, it's Halloween.

So I kept the costume on. You're looking at the guys you met outside to agree with you on how last night's bit went. You know that? No, I don't know them. They weren't there yesterday. I know. They weren't there.

I'm just kind of looking around. Right. But you don't have many friends, do you, Matt? I've got some friends. I've got some friends. I'm just kidding. How long have you been to one stand up? Oh, I think I'm like around a year now.

Okay. How often do you do it? You've been doing it a year. How often? Oh, it depends. I'm in school. So I used to run. When I first started, I would go to some mikes at the creek in the cave.

Every day I'd do like maybe one. Maybe if I got on, it'd be like the end of the day. And then, so when I was at school, I don't have time to go to Mike. So I opened Mike at a bar near campus. And that would be like my time. I'd do like maybe like 20 minutes throughout the whole thing. I'd go up in between the comics. Then winter break happened.

So I really hit it. You're still talking. This is incredible. I wonder how long it would have gone. And I just never said anything. I could do an hour. And then Russia invaded the Ukraine. What's the most interesting thing about you, Matt Alvarez?

You're like half Italian guy, half clown tonight. I don't know what the fuck to talk with you about. I have a conference championship ring from a division one football team. Wow. I used to play college football. Where at? University of Incarnate Word in San Antonio. University of what?

The Incarnate Word. They know that. It's a religious school. Yeah, it's a Catholic school. It's a private school. You have a championship ring? Yeah, we won a conference championship. You said D1?

It was division one. Division one in the name of the school is what? University of the Incarnate Word. The Incarnate Word? Yes. Incarnate Word. Division one? Yeah.

High school. High school. No, it's not a high. They have a high school called Incarnate Word. What the fuck do you mean a D1 school called that? Is there another division above D1 in your mind? Are we talking about two different types of D1 football? What's the ring for?

Well, we want a conference championship. A championship in going to the most obscure college I've ever heard of in my entire life? Are you guys beat? Who'd you beat? Alabama? No, no. Right. Is there a...

Is that the same division that you're in? You sure it's division one? It's like the FBS, so it's a smaller of the... This is the most concussed division for college football player I've ever talked to in my life. D1, we killed it. Clemson, Ohio State, we crushed them. Represent, reincarnated heart. Like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? This is not a real story.

None of it's real conference championship. Alright, well... It's Matt. What's the most embarrassing thing about you? Tell the truth here, Matt. This is a real chance for you to confess something. The most embarrassing thing? What?

Nothing. Shut the fuck up, you stupid pussy coward. These people. These fucking dreads that heckle these poor kids. Most embarrassing thing? I don't know. I don't know. I'm too scared to even consider one. Let me think. Give us something here.

Let's see. Have you watched my show on Hulu Life and Bath? Because that would suffice. I've not seen the show. Do you think that... Did you take some hard hits to the head during your football playing days? Definitely. You think it affects you in your day-to-day life?

Not so much. Right now, this is like a lot of nerves. So I'm not normally nervous on a day-to-day basis. Right. And when you decided on Italian clown, how does that happen? Well, okay, so... You had a little bit of face paint in that outfit? Well, I was going to get like a regular clown outfit, but I went to the Halloween store and I was like,

I need a clown costume and they only had murder clowns. I was like, that's not the vibe I'm going for. I was going to go for a normal clown. But they didn't... Jesus Christ. You need to see a brain doctor ASAP, dude. You're up here answering questions like you're triple-boosting. Okay, thank you. There he goes. Matt Alvarez, everybody.

There you go. Matt, take one of these. Matt, Matt, take that. There you go. All right, we're going to keep it moving along. It's a lot better when the people can hear and react to questions. Makes me noise for Daniel Gent, everybody. Daniel Gent.

It's the itchiest fucking wig. I felt like I have brain damage now just from watching that. That was rough. Daniel Gent, here he comes. Make some noise for Daniel, everybody. Here he is. Hello. So I'm visiting from the UK. Cheers.

And on my first night here, I managed to hook up with a girl who's one of the Miss Texas finalists. In 1971, I think she said. Whenever I type the word analysis, I type it really fast just in case I suddenly die halfway through. I'd hate to be found dead. And all it says on my screen is, there were some unexpected outcomes from the anal.

So you know King Charles' little granddaughter, Princess Charlotte. Do you think she watches Disney movies and goes, well, this isn't very realistic? Thanks. Fuck yeah, absolutely. Daniel Gent. Undoubtedly making his pale Tony debut here. What a classy little fucking 007 agent you are, huh?

Thanks, Tony. Just in here. Figured I'd work out my 60 seconds. It's adorable. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? A couple of years. A couple of years before the pandemic.

And then obviously we had quit a big lockdown and got back into it about a year ago. Indeed, Amy Schumer, what do you think about this guy? I think it was very funny. Now obviously when a white man speaks, my pussy makes bread. And then I eat that bread. Now, you're a colonizing piece of shit

and you should not be allowed to talk. You should be walked like a dog while 300-pound women beat you in the street. But that being said, it was fucking pretty good. Yeah, some smart jokes. Coming in from the UK. Murdered his queen and then went on a little trip. I love it.

Welcome, welcome. What do you do for work out in the UK? I'm a lawyer. Wow, what kind of law are you doing out there? Do you have to wear one of those goofy white wigs or something like that? Nothing like that. No, just contracts.

Okay, alright. You're definitely from the fucking UK. Are you in London? No, no, I live miles from London. Manchester. Totally over the other side of the country. It's like a three-hour drive. What's it called?

It's a place called Swansea. Swansea. So it's Wales. Swansea. Alright. That's where I grew up. That's where I learned how to be a confident woman. What's Swansea famous for?

What goes on over there? A lot of cloud, cover and rain. Catherine Jones is from Swansea. Okay. Dylan Thomas. Do you guys know Dylan Thomas? The drop-off is real. That's a big slip.

That's a big slip. What do you do for fun out there? You roll around on some fucking bicycle and go around and a little fucking... Mountain biking, yeah, yeah. You roll a little bell on your bicycle. I got a vintage bike, yeah, yeah. Like a...

You see that? A British racing green vintage bike. Okay. What else do you do for fun out there? I collect antiques. Oh, my goodness. I'm coming out. Coming out.

What kind of antiques? What kind of antiques? Would you like my career? Amy Motherfucking Schumer. I don't know why, but it does feel like I will get in trouble somehow for this. Impossible. I do think I'll get a call.

I'll get a call from someone. I don't know who, but... Impossible. We're going to get sued. Yeah, right. Not you, us. It is incredible. I came to see you in the O2.

Oh, you were at the London O2 Arena. Me, Hans Kim, Brian Simpson, and Joe Rogan. That's right. What did you think about that? I loved it. That was pretty intense, right? Yeah, it was a crazy show. Because they don't really talk about that type of shit

in London at all. I noticed you're set very clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy Carr, a friend of the show, a friend of mine is over there. He tends to keep it pretty clean. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys... No, it was brilliant. There's nothing like anything you see in a comedy club back home. Indeed. Right. London. So, what the fuck else?

What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator? If we went through your refrigerator, what would stand out to us? Like, whoa, what the fuck's that doing in here? The head of a girl. I don't know. Lavender Jam? Dude, he is so fucking British.

It's unbelievable. It's the most British shit ever. Unbelievable. Lavender Jam. Lavender Jam and some aging antiques. Fish pudding and a bookcase. Lavender Jam and a DVD of Trainwreck the Movie. See?

I've already lost my agent. Who cares? Lavender Jam, huh? What do you put that on? What do you tend to use your Lavender Jam on? If you guess the biggest stereotype possible, it'll be right. Is it crampits?

Skulls. Oh, my God. I was going to say the country of India. You know what I mean? Holy shit. Unbelievable. Can someone throw me a Marlboro light? Yeah.

Is there anyone that has a Marlboro light? Nick's got Marlboro lights. He's out there. We're going to get yours. No, nobody wants your fucking Marlboro light. That's an interesting one. It's for it's not just for Asians. Damn, that was a powerful throw.

That guy fucking normally guys with muscles can't throw that good. You guys see that meatball throw that cigarette from over there? It's incredible. Holy shit. The fucking Rogan bump is real. Daniel Jent. So you seem like a goody good good guy, right? You're a lawyer.

You went to school and studied and all that shit, right? You have fucking lavender jam and teaks. Everything's fucking perfect. Tell us something like naughty about you. Tell us something that kind of you do like where you kind of feel guilty afterwards. Something that's sort of American about you. Speeding? Whoa.

Bicycles. Bicycles are not to exceed 12 miles per hour. You were like what type of girl do you go in for? Like what type of... What's a British woman you like? Because British women are not... It's not the top of the... I like...

Like I like bad bitches. Oh my God. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. Unbelievable. Oh my goodness, someone has been keeping up on his pop culture. I read that today in 17 magazine, Tony. Incredible, Daniel Gent.

Bad bitches. Is that true that you hooked up with an American as soon as you got here? No, no, but... You have a girlfriend back at home? No, I'm living in hope. Living at home with your parents? No, living in hope. Living in hope.

Oh, okay. Of meeting an American, yeah. But you still haven't yet? No, I've just been a couple of days. Right. Have you ever kissed an American girl? No. No? Really? Is there an American girl out there that'll come give this good little boy his first American kiss?

Everybody's pointing at this fat Mexican guy. Whoa! Oh, shit. Damn. Look at that. Welcome to America, you piece of shit. How did that feel? Looks great.

You now have AIDS. And there's no healthcare, so... Indeed. And she just caught monkeypox, I'm pretty sure. Sorry. It's quite the trade-off. Daniel Gent. Lavender Jam.

Fun set, amazing interview. Send us some Lavender Jam from Swansea. Here's a big joke book for you, my friend. I'm not gonna throw it at you. I'm sure. Indeed. Daniel Gent. Alright, let's keep it moving along here.

We're doing this shit tonight. That's a real British. A real Englishman. Alright, your next comedian, 60 Seconds Uninterrupted, goes by the name of Scott Wharton, door guy here at Balkan Gas Company. It's been a while since he's been on the show. Scott Wharton.

Is next, here, on Kill Tony. Live, in Austin, Texas. He literally works here. Here he comes, everybody. Here he is, everyone. Scott Wharton. Joe Biden sniffs kids the same way I sniff a fresh bag of weed.

I can't wait to hit that. It's the whole system, though. It's the two-party system, right? The two-party system is like if you had just two neighbors, and they're both registered sex offenders. But you must choose one to take your child's trick or treating. Or else you waste your Halloween.

Alright, that's my time, guys. Thank you so much. That was a good joke. You did 42 Seconds. You look a lot like me when I was younger. Before I discovered that butter was freedom. And the joke was very funny. Very funny shit.

It was good. 42 Seconds of Thunder. You've always done good on the show, Scott. What else is going on? Update us. Give us something here. Well, last time I was on the show, I was just visiting with Montford from Virginia. We've moved out here now. I've been here like a year and a half.

It's been a good time, dude. We had a Halloween party last night. We ate mushrooms and smoked DMT. Okay. Very good. You smoked the real stuff. No, it was the vape pen. You can still blast off with a vape pen.

It's kind of like DMT, you know. Kind of a little bit. That's Joe Rogan. Okay. Scott, so what were you for Halloween last night? High on mushrooms and DMT. Oh, okay. Very good.

I was just chilling, dude. I was chilling, playing poker and stuff. Okay. Playing poker. Tonight I am Kevin Nash. Okay. I could see how that could be. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Tell us more. Since you moved to Austin from Virginia,

what's been going on in life? How is it different than being in Virginia? We met two people from Virginia earlier that literally seemed like they're in a fucking... Smoking crack here is a lot less frowned upon. So that's... That is true. You all know me now by name, that's what I'm trying to say.

All the homeless people know you by name? Yes. Right. Because you do kind of look like... Yeah, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Scott Wharton. What's your living situation? I live with an internet friend I met

in the church what's happening now, Facebook group. So when I moved out to Austin, he was like, you can fucking move in here. And I did. What the fuck? Every answer to a question you give sounds like you're giving it to a detective. You know?

They're like, we're just trying to get to the bottom of this body we found in your apartment. How did this happen? Okay. All right. The church of what's happening now, Facebook meetup group. So that's risky business. How did it turn out?

Is there a lot of, like, animals running around and stuff? Does he have a snake? No, he doesn't have a snake. I'm the weird one. I'm the one that doses people with mushrooms and I'm the weird one, not him. He's pretty normal. You're the weird one. I'm the fucked up individual, yes.

How often do you dose people with mushrooms? As often as possible. What are you talking about? Wow, okay. You get to see how that works in real life. You got to hear that noise. Yeah, if you guys want to buy acid, I'll be in the alleyway afterwards. You're running a lot of enterprises over there.

Yeah, I know, yeah. People sell T-shirts. You sell drugs. You do that a lot. You ever get in trouble for that? No, because this is all an act and I would never sell drugs. Well, we have good news for you.

There's actually an off-duty police officer here tonight. They're actually... I've never got pops for distribution or anything like that. Okay, very good. Where do you tend to get your drugs from? That's a loaded question, Tony.

I'm not going to tell you my dude's name. First of all, I'm not Tony. I'm Alec Baldwin. Oh, shit! And let me say, the questions aren't the only thing that are loaded in my world. You understand? Oops, I accidentally killed again.

Now I'm kidding. I saved all my Alec Baldwin jokes for right then. All right, Scott. Well, what's your love life like? You look like the kind of guy that looks so much like a girl that you could kind of look in the mirror and sort of, like, close your eyes

and jerk off to yourself. Yeah, I know. If you, like, really close your eyes tight, you just see the outline of the hair. If I tuck it back, I'm good looking. Tuck it back, you're good looking? That's what I say. Hold on.

So what's your, like, what's going on? Do you have, like, a... I'm single. My last relationship was in July. I've hooked up with a couple girls since then. Mostly fat girls in San Antonio. Oh, okay. Fat girls? They're not called fat. They're called confident.

They're confident women. And fat girls in San Antonio are called girls in San Antonio. My God. Perhaps the greatest joke in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. It's definitely the funniest thing Amy Schumer's ever said. Yes, indeed.

Oh, Scott, man. It really is incredible. Amy Schumer's absolutely destroying. Heavy girls in San Antonio are strippers in Austin that I met on Hinge. So that's... Okay, let's go back for a second. When you're in San Antonio, where do you tend

to meet these big voluptuous women? Uh... Usually at a restaurant somewhere. That's... I'm not taking them to the gym, Tony. Let's be honest. Right. Okay. All right, Scott. Well, how do you like working here at Vulcan Gas Company?

Dude, I fucking love it. Working here is like such a treat. What were you doing in Virginia? Selling drugs. The answer to everything with you is selling drugs. I can't believe I fell for that again. It's my joy. Hey, if you want...

You could close out The Secret Show 30 seconds. Wow, look at that. Should I do it? Should I fucking do it? You already have a joke book, right? Ladies and gentlemen, there he is. You know where to buy drugs after the show. Okay. All right.

Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Jesse Childry. Childry? Jesse... Childry? You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on the show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad

on the show? All right. This is Jesse Childry. What's up, guys? I know I look like I work security, but I am just a large brown boy. I've been very thankful for life here lately and the things that are going on

with me and I've been trying to kind of rub that off on other people. Saying that with my mom, just noticing everything that was being done for her. The house was clean. Her husband was bringing her dinner and she's sexually satisfied. So that's sick.

So I was like, damn, you're killing it, mom. That's awesome. I wish I had a husband. That's right. My friend was coming over the other day and he got a new ride and I was like, damn, dude, you're killing it, got new sick wheels. What are those, 20 inches? I wish my legs

didn't work. And I was at the gym the other day and my friends was lifting. He's super strong, super fast and he can fucking dance like no other. I was like, damn, dude, wish I was black. Okay,

Jesse Childry everyone. Alright, Jesse, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? 32 years. That's my first time. First time ever. Very good. I could tell. Dead stare at the front of this stage is a very big giveaway.

What made you want to do this today? How old are you? 30 years old. 30 years old. You just had your first time on stage. Why did it happen today? I'm a big fan of the show and kind of always wanted to try and I figured if I bomb here, it can't get any worse. That's true. That's true.

You are correct. They cannot get any worse than doing nothing. How do you feel like it went? Decent? I think it went decent for my first time. I've seen a lot of other people fall on their face so I didn't, I maybe tripped a bit. What ethnicity are you again? Mexican and white.

Mexican and white. Okay. As a fellow Mexican woman. I want to say hola. You live here in Texas? No sir. I'm just visiting. Visiting from where? Evansville, Indiana. Evansville, Indiana. Interesting. How'd you make it up there?

How'd your family end up up there? I'm just there by myself. I'm there training Jiu-Jitsu and that's why I'm here as well. Okay. Your set was amazing. Why Indiana? You could train Jiu-Jitsu anywhere in the world.

You're teaching Jiu-Jitsu is what you're saying. Doing both. Training, teaching, competing, all that jazz. I competed against one of the teammates at my current school and then I just really like the dudes there. They invited me over,

spent weekends there training and then... I can see it. You have the head shape of a fighter. You're like a Mexican Khabib. He kind of looks like if Lex Friedman was in MS-13. Yeah, it's like...

Hell, yes. All right. Did I ask you what you do for work? Is that your job, Jiu-Jitsu? Yeah, for the most part. Really? Yes, sir. What else? I... It's boring, but I just... I'm waiting for him to say I sell drugs because

Scott convinced me that that's the only economy that's happening. What else? What are your side hustles? I kind of refurbish and cut copper rods for a company out there. There it is. It has been

confirmed he is indeed half Mexican. All right. All right, everybody relax. It's nothing they love more than a Mexican dancing like an Irishman. That's that part white. Jesse, what do you got in your fanny pack?

Let's play a little game called what's in that fanny pack. We have to know. Nothing to... Oh, shit. There's a wallet. All right, here we go. It's a lot of keys. He's definitely Mexican. We got Chapstick. What the fuck is that? Is that a garage door opener?

Headphones. What? Headphones. Oh, those are headphones. Yeah. Wow, you got your real... phone charger here with you. It says a lot about a man that brings it on the road with him. You have to charge... What's that? You have to charge it places often. What's your phone battery at right now

if you had to guess? Probably like 50, 60, something like that. I knew I was coming here and it was going to be locked up, so I could save it though. All right. That's just like the normal Chapstick flavor, right? You didn't get anything special? You don't like to treat yourself? What kind of serial killer gets fucking plain Chapstick?

It says Flon. That's funny because it's racist. That's why it's funny. See? There's a good amount of keys. What's the second set of keys for? Rental car. Oh, rental car.

Where'd you steal that from? The rental company. Okay. What's a rental car? What kind of car did they give you? A Toyota Camry or Corolla or something like that. Nothing crazy. All right. Very good. What's your love life like, Jesse?

Singles fuck. Nothing going on with that, really? Really? Yeah. Do you ever do any jujitsu with any ladies? I have, yeah. Do you ever get sexual pleasure out of it? No. Do any ladies beat you up because women are just as strong as men?

They are, yeah. Women are usually stronger than men. And if you don't... That's what it is. That's a biological fact. If you don't believe me, you can ask my accountant. You can probably beat my ass. That is true.

Jesse, any other... any special skills or talents that you have? Just jujitsu. Just jujitsu? Just jujitsu. Really? There must be something. You've never done anything else. You can't like bend a finger all the way back or something creepy.

I can bend somebody else's finger all the way back. Oh, shit. Wow. All right. All right, Jesse. Well, very, very interesting. What scares you? You're a tough guy. What are you afraid of? Is there something weird?

Nothing weird, but 2D. Probably like the impermanence that we're going to die. And like my family's going to die. Nothing really funny, but yeah. Impermanence. Just asking for the police. When are they going to die exactly?

Do you know? That sounded a little bit... My family's going to die Thursday around 11 o'clock. Oh, my goodness. That's one of my favorite answers ever. Impermanence. The knowledge that we're all going to die.

Very interesting. Very honest answer, Jesse. I don't know if there's... What else should you be afraid of? The dark? Why? No, I don't know. I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm sorry, D-Madness. Tell them.

I love blind men and they love me. Hell yeah. Jesse, congratulations. Here's a joke book to put with other things that you have. Put that in your fanny pack. Along with your plane chapstick phone charger,

bottle opener. Can Amy Schumer get a bottle of water or an entire brisket? It's the choice of the house. It's the house's choice. We need water up here. All right.

We're hoping... Let's get one of our regulars up here, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is a legend on the show. Unbelievable writer, performer, roaster. This is David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. I can't believe that women

with kids want to be treated like women without kids. It's like, bitch, you are damaged goods. That is an open box policy at Best Buy. That shit is always a discount. What the fuck? How dare you have me treat you like a regular woman?

Yeah. I have two kids on my own and I'm not in their life because I think it builds character. You know what I'm saying? Like, nobody who's ever accomplished anything has came out of

a two-parent household. Like, I want to be there. I just want them to be great. You know what I'm saying? Like, you think Joe Jackson wanted to beat Michael? He was just trying to make thriller. All right, thank you, man.

Fuck yes. An amazing minute. Hell, yes. David Lucas. Looking good, my friend. I love this. Julia Caesar is the closest you've ever come to a salad before in your life. How do you look like

both a Roman and the Coliseum at the same time? Dressing like a man is the closest you ever became to not be a game. You Alec Baldwin, more like Alec Balls and Dick. What?

That motherfucker got a Regis feel burn wig on. Regis feel burn? Whatever that nigga name, you know Regis. Oh, my God. Your ass got a lightly used Brillo pad on your head. Not all of us can have that fucking

Bert and Ernie hair that you have going on. You're like, burnt and Ernie. You dress like a secret agent that only investigate gay murders. Everybody fucking say Tony say fuck a fingerprint, let me see the rectum. Everybody fucking Tony collect poot samples.

I do not collect poop samples. No poop. Oh, okay. With a T poot. I do collect those. You're right. I do. That wig a shit boy. Your ass. I love it. So how did you get this costume? Did you just wake up like this after eating

heroes all night? Who's who's who? What thick white girl is out there missing a bed sheet this morning? Tony, you This motherfucker stole my sheet. Tony, you a serial killer. You killed straight men for their clothes.

Fuck her body. Boy, your ass dressed like a limo driver, bitch. Right this way, sir. That's right. And then you pat that nigga on the ass when he get his suitcase. It's true. I'm a limo driver. That's why I love you. Your stretch black as it gets.

Oh shit. We made it to the chorus. Yes. Stretch black is what you do when a nigga come to your house. Son of a bitch. Tony, you gonna take that tie off later and get tied up with it to the bed post? Tie my feet up. They cold.

That is extra funny. My feet do get cold very usually. I have an electric blanket. You got the wig of a Minnesota high school principal. You're up. It's good though. You're up. It's good. I like this Greek thing for you. You look like Afro diet.

Tony, the way I'm dressed we would have put you to death B.C. for being gay. Yeah, right. They would have beheaded your ass in front of a thousand people. Yeah. The only thing you're beheading is you'll be

heading to what? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Tony, you was on I've heard of the mighty 300 but your scale said four when you Tony, you was on

rainy street shooting candy out your ass like a basketball t-shirt. Who wants some twigs? Line it up, man. Shoot. Shoot. Tootsie pops out your ass. That motherfucker put an eye out

earlier. That's why he was late. Oh, my God. Wow. Incredible. You going trick or treating tonight? No, but you are. You're going to be the trick. Son of a bitch. I can't wait to take this bullshit off.

What? Where did you get it? Where did you get it? Same place. You got that wig. Get the fuck out of here. Tony black people don't tell where they got their Halloween costumes from. That's a black thing. Red band dressed like he supposed to be on the

front of a gallon of milk. Red bands dressed if Wendy and only Wendy's David's just looking at me getting hungry. I know you're looking at my nipples going there's some bacon-aid nipples. Your ass look like where is Waldo, the gay person.

That don't work. Hell yeah. I know where Waldo is. I know where gay Waldo is. In your ass. I'm like, where is it? Oh, there he is. Tony got a fart to get him out. Hell yeah.

Tony, I know you'd be a good drug smuggler. You could put a hundred pounds in that ass. You can do that joke if each one of your butt cheeks weighs a hundred pounds, David. It's not really fair. I love this. I love it. You're absolutely killing it.

An unbelievable minute. An unbelievable interview. You're an unstoppable force. Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Amy, did you have anything for David? Hold on. My name is Amy Schumer.

I'm a black woman. I just want to say black power. Thank you. Hey, everybody who got shows of my Winnipeg show, we are 70% sold out, man. I'm there the whole week of Thanksgiving and Winnipeg at Rumors Comedy Club.

Get them tickets, y'all. There you go. Get tickets. David Lucas Comedy. David Lucas Comedy.com for tickets. Back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there, huh? If you guys want some drinks,

you should get the bucket. They have a special shot tonight called the Alec Baldwin. What is it? It's just a... It's an actual shot. You get shot. All right. The next comedian goes by the name

of Nick Tibbets, everyone. Nick Tibbets. Here he comes. He's ready to go. Here he is. Make some noise for Nick, everybody. That's all. I work a blue-collar job,

which sucks, but it allows me to drive a company truck, which is great. A company truck is all the joy of having a truck with none of the responsibility. It's kind of like watching after a kid you're not related to.

As long as you think it looks the same as when you gave it to me, we're square. But you don't know what I did with that truck. All right. Much like you don't know what I did with that baby. Could have partied with that baby. And you would have no idea unless you drug-tested that baby.

Now you're coming at me all wrong, like my baby tested positive for weed and cocaine. And I'm like, your baby had coke and held out on me. Punk-ass baby. Nick Tibbetts, everyone.

Welcome, Nick. Thank you. How are you? Where are you visiting from? I was born here. You were born and raised here in Austin, Texas. Absolutely incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? About six months. How old are you?

27. I wanted to for a while, but just, you know, do another shit. Okay. What were you doing? Drugs. A lot of drugs. All of the joys that life has to offer. Amy, you ever do any drugs?

First of all, your set triggered me because when people in high school apologized to fuck me, they said they were driving the company truck. I'm also offended you did your own material. It's unnecessary. It's unnecessary.

I wanted you to have something new to choose from. Yeah. I love it. Nick, so what is the job that you do exactly? I'm a natural gas technician. Okay. I'm a gas technician. I'm an addicts fucking around with water heaters a lot.

That's about it. Okay. Just another white male job. Another white dude with a beard. Another white guy in a truck. Trying to blow up shit. That's right. Is your job a little bit dangerous at times?

Yeah, if you're dumb. But you're not dumb. Ha! What are some dumb things that you've done before in your life? You're 27 years old. You're from Austin, Texas. The birthplace of ketamine. Actually, I do do ketamine therapy.

But that was a smart thing. When I was 19, I picked up a homeless woman because I believed she needed a ride. Oh my goodness. She came out screaming in the street. I actually was coming back from the Oddball Festival and she's like,

hey, I need a ride downtown. I was like, man, you're, I believe you. And so she asked me for money for about 10 miles. And when I said no, she kept screaming she was gonna die. And then we did a U-turn. She said, hey, right here's fine under the underpass.

And then she got out and she screamed, I love you. And slammed my door and just sprinted into the woods. Women are amazing. Women are literally amazing in everything they do. Power. Power to my sisters.

So she asked her to ride downtown and then she ran into the woods. Yeah. Well, we didn't make it downtown. We were like, probably after 2222. And she said this is fine because anywhere really was fine. Right. Yeah. She was definitely homeless.

That checks out. Okay. So tell us, Austin, Texas, you're born and raised here. We don't get to speak to many people that are from here all the way. Yeah. Tell us your thoughts of what's going on.

How do you notice the city changing? It's great, man. I didn't used to know so much about Tulsa, Oklahoma, but all of you newbies are telling me all about the fun of your hometown. There's a lot of people from Tulsa coming in. Just any town in the natural gas industry. Just any town that doesn't matter.

People are coming here from there. Austin's mattered for 13 minutes. So just try it out. And I've been here for a while, but I've enjoyed it. No, I know. It's great. It's a transitional period. I like to call. Come and take it to take it and come.

Okey-dokey. Nick, you are one of the you are one of the plainest white people you've ever had on the show. Tell us something that's multicultural about you. What do you think the black is? Say something multicultural right now. Shit.

You Nazi piece of shit. Oh, my God. Something multicultural. What do you think the blackest thing about you is? My best friend's black. Oh, wow. Yeah. All right. All right.

So where did you find this black best friend? High school. All right. It was like three or four months ago. I went over there and what's this I'm 27 so that would be illegal. Yeah, no.

High school though, ninth grade. Is he a real black friend or is he just an Austin guy who happens to have black skin? What's his first name? Joshua? Julius. No, it's okay. Julius Count.

Let's go. Let's check in with our resident black guy between two white friends here. Here he is. Here's Ethan everybody. Ethan is here everyone. Elliott. Elliott to the black man. There's a real black guy

behind him just watching everything that's happening right now. He better not misrepresent us. Oh, shit. A black police officer. Oh, my God. Wow. The rare black police officer.

God damn. I don't know where this night's going to take you, my friend, but it's going to be interesting. If your knee ends up on your neck by the end of the night, I'm going to be amazed. That is an incredible. It's going to be interesting if she commits to the costume once the tequila sets in.

Okay. Nick, I feel like I didn't get something rock solid out of you. Is there something that you've accomplished in your life? Any special skill, talent? I got a pretty solid Jesse Pinkman impression. Okay.

Happy Halloween, bitch. Mr. White. Jesse Pinkman. That's my name. Mr. White. Wow. I stand by that, regardless. Absolutely.

I'll get it on the next one. Absolutely. Nick, congratulations on a fun appearance. There's a little joke book for you. Little Kiltoni joke book made by the Great Bones Eye. Real handmade leather. Uh-oh, standing over Malia.

This little boy that plays the dentist and root off the red-nosed reindeer, the claymation. All right. Okay. You guys still hanging in there? We doing this shit, huh?

60 seconds uninterrupted. It goes to Robert Ball, everybody. Robert Ball. Robert Ball. Here he comes. Walking briskly

to the stage. Make some noise for him, everybody. One more time for Robert. Uh, I'm not a very religious man, but ever since Roby Wade was overturned, I've been praying a lot more. Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Like, I've never wanted to shoe blanks this badly. Ha-ha! Even more than Alec Baldwin. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

I went to a pro-choice rally and one of the berries I heard, one of the berries I heard for women is the cost of abortion. And I thought this presented a unique marketing opportunity for credit card companies. Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

For some mistakes you can undo. For everything else, there's MasterCard. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Insert the chip in the slot, eject the fetus from the slit.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Really, you're a pussy. Ha-ha! Not a baby. Ha-ha! Robert Ball! Ha-ha!

Thank you, thank you. Very good, Robert. Very good. Thank you. How's it going? This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah, come in. Clearly by the way you're dressed and your attitude, you're visiting from Connecticut.

Ha-ha! I'm actually from Dallas, Texas. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Just glad to be here. I love it, Robert. You're very, very, very happy. You live in Dallas still?

No, I'm in Austin now. Okay, when did you move here? About a year ago. Okay, a year ago. What do you do for work? Software engineering. Software, again. Other people are selling software or hard drugs.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're out here slinging software. Amy, you saw that set. I mean, that was really, really... I like those abortion jokes so much, Netflix is giving me $30 million to tell them next month. Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! You have a Patagonia vest on. Yes, sir. This is a very white male terrorist supremacist of you. Yeah. You're trying your hardest to be one of Donald Trump's sons. It's incredible.

This is how rich kids try to mix in with the humans. Where do you get a shirt like that? Grandma, I'll buy that for you for Christmas or something. Yeah, that's dead on. Really? Your grandma got it for you for Christmas? Ha-ha! It's been a long time we've been doing this. Yeah, for sure. Incredible.

Your parents are still together? Yeah, that's dead on as well. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I do as good of an impression of you as the last guy did of Jesse Pinkman. Yeah, yeah, I agree. And I've known you for three minutes and five seconds.

Yeah, I think yours is better. I think so, too. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Psst! The force is strong with this one. Thank you. So Robert, tell us more about you. What else are you into? Tell us some things we'd be surprised to know about Robert Ball.

What are some of your hobbies, drowning immigrants? What do you like to do? Yeah, paying for immigrants' flights, I guess. I don't know. What's your least favorite race? Ha-ha! All right. I like them all equally.

Very good. Oh, sorry. All right, Robert, you're from Dallas. Your parents are still up there? Yes, sir. My dad owns his own business. He rents photography equipment. But not for like...

How about mom? What does she do? She stays at home. She is an artist. How many brothers and sisters do you have? One brother, one sister. Are they more successful than you? Not really, no. What do they do? Just common jobs.

You have a girlfriend? No. Actually, I was going to say, I haven't been in a serious relationship for like 10 years. Wow! Why do you think that is? Because you walk around like a goofball going, ha-ha-ha! That's pretty much it. Hey, you want to go on a date? I want to take you somewhere extra fun. Ha-ha-ha!

Nah, just a bunch of problems. Have you ever been on a date with a white machine gun before? Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Have you always laughed like that? I guess so. I've really noticed.

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! That is incredible. Thank you. Oh my goodness. Wow. Alright, so why do you think you haven't been in a serious relationship?

10 years is a long time. Just a little self-confidence, I guess. Really? My god, do you have a lavender jam in your refrigerator or something? No. Perhaps I would have pulled more pussy if I had lavender jam in mine. You probably would. Just take the Patagonia off. You'll just start fucking.

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Okay, okay, okay. You've got to have a doctor stop that laugh somehow. Ha-ha-ha! Yeah. Did you get that after the second booster shot?

Yeah. I feel great, Doc. Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Everything normal here. Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Has it always been there? You've always had that?

Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. Oh, my goodness. Does anyone ever point it out that it's a little bit fucking serial killer-esque? Oh, no, no, not really. I guess they've been too scared, you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. It's hard for them to respond when there's duct tape over their mouth. Ha-ha-ha! It's like, how you doing back there? Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! What do you think about my laugh? Oh, you don't have much to say now. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! All right, well... Very interesting, Robert.

What do you wear to sleep? You have a robe? I feel like you have a robe. I feel like you have your own robe. I don't bring this up very often in interview portions, but I feel like you have your own robe. Am I close to correct on this? No, no. You have a pair of pajamas with a hat. You carry around a candle. You have a sleeping hat. You carry around a candle before bed.

No. Now, I imagine it would go out pretty easily. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Blow out his own candle. Oh, my God! What do you sleep in? Your underwear? Yes.

Calvin Klein, I don't know. Wow! Thank you for the underwear, Grandma! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, my goodness. All right. Robert, very fun times.

Congratulations. You ended on a big applause break there, so I'm going to give you one of these big kill Tony joke bugs. Thank you. I expect you to fill that up with great jokes, and then when it's filled up all the way, come give it to Amy Schumer.

She's going to know what to do with it from there. There goes Robert Ball, everybody. Yeah. Did we hear anything from our little friend? We need more women! We need more women! I know, right?

We need more women! Still on the plane, going to have to catch a numer and shit. Not going to make it unfortunately. Women are the funniest people. And they... You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? Yeah, one more time.

Yeah! William Montgomery got stuck in Hawaii. Yeah. I'm not going to make it here tonight. I'm sorry. All right. Deep in the bucket I reached.

Make some noise for Chewy, everybody! Chewy! I know Chewy. Here he comes. Chewy. Come on, Chewy. Here he comes. Here he is, everybody.

One more time for Chewy, everyone. Chewy! Chewy! Chewy! One more time, Chewy! I have this fascination with beautifully tattooed women. And good ink on a woman,

it can be a great conversation starter. But I'll admit that sometimes a conversation gets a little bit awkward when I finally get around to asking her if I can lick her tattoos. I love licking women.

I don't have any tattoos myself, but if I did I'd get some cool Chinese riding. Of course, I'd have to be in a Chinese prison and I'd get a tramp stamp

that says, It's it only! And if I never do make it to China I have thought about getting my man boobs tattooed and get the classic almond tattooed over this nipple two percent tattooed

over this nipple and the goat tattooed over this nipple who wants some goat milk, bitches? Holy shit. Chewy, everybody. Incredible. You know, there's been some people

over the near ten years of this show that have suggested, I think you should give them a longer time minutes or three minutes. This way we get to know them a little bit better and that is a perfect example of why the format of this show has never changed. That was right at the absolute point where I was about to be like, shut the fuck up, dude.

I thought it was great. I thought it was great. I'm also a Native American of size. And I thought it was beautiful we're people of the earth. Chewy, I've noticed that you're doing

something different. Is it the hair? What's going on up there? Have you decided to just become like a fat Gandalf or something? What's going on? That's it. Yeah. He looks so much like someone. I don't know who. Yeah, I don't know exactly. He looks exactly like somebody. Yeah, like Danny DeVito's penguin or something like that.

Not exactly sure. There's something. I can't put my finger on it. It's like it's like a fucking if a Targaryen ate their own dragon eggs or something like that. Maybe it's an old Amy Schumer. Oh, okay. That's right. Amy Boomer. Yeah.

Chewy, remind us, what do you do for a living? Where are you from? Tell us everything. I'm an electrician out in the oil fields in West Texas. Okay, an electrician. So that's how you got hair like that, being shocked repeatedly. In the oil fields of Texas.

What kind of truck do you have? I have a like my work truck or personal truck. You know the personal truck. Damn. You know the personal truck. Damn. Right now there's

young people in California listening to this podcast thinking what the fuck is going on in Texas? Hey. How many bucking trucks do they need? Well, in my case, two. Right. Yeah. You know what personal truck I have, Tony?

I don't know what personal truck you have. Chevy Silverado, baby. Goddamn right. Absolutely. Silverado. Yeah, and packing. And what's your work truck? Work truck is a F-250. Okay.

Oh shit. I'm forced to drive that. Some stripper in the corner said your truck's garbage. That's incredible. Red rose and yellow rose here in Austin, Texas. Chewie, what else about your life? Anything else interesting about you? You've been on this show before.

Once. I can't remember what we've covered and what hasn't been covered. Oh. Nothing interesting going on. Is it named Chewie like a nickname or is it a? Yes. How'd you get it? I found stuff. No.

Just Chewie. All right, Chewie. Do you ever do Santa Claus? No. Are you Mexican? Yeah. Well, actually, like, I consider myself Texan. Right. Because my family was here in Texas

before when Texas was still Mexico. And we should give it back. It should. It should. It should go back to the Mexicans and I should lead them with my big cunts.

Oh, shit. All right, Chewie, you're absolutely adorable. We love you. Congratulations. You got pulled up again. There goes Chewie, everybody. I don't know. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time, huh? Female. Female. Female.

I want someone I could pretend to support, but then plot against and blackmail. I'm kidding. It's all a joke. Makes the noise for C.H. Lee. C.H. Lee.

All right. We got C.H. C.H. What the fuck is going on tonight? All right. No movement. Very interesting. Okay. Chloe Montgomery.

This sounds exciting. What are the odds? Tramper! Tramper! Tramper! Here she is. Chloe Montgomery, everyone. Come on. So I was dating a fellow comedian and he's at...

And he's actually here tonight, but we just broke up, unfortunately. And I got to thinking, I think a big reason why he broke up with me is because I'm actually autistic as fuck. Which is a little messed up because I thought we were supposed to pity those that are genetically less inferior. I think most of y'all feel that way

about the black community. Look, look. These aren't my views. I stand with y'all, okay? Trust me, because we have two things in common. One, I've been shot. And two, the white man refuses to advocate for me.

I'll whip him out. Don't test me. But, you know, it's funny because the white man won't advocate for me because, one, I cry when people look at me for too long. And two, I'm obsessed with trains in the form of corn.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm just... I'm also a methadnazi, so I... Your set resonated with me. And this is

Derek Chauvin's daughter, everyone. I'm kidding. Incredible. Welcome to the show, Chloe. It's amazing to be too racist for this show. Like, that's... That's an amazing bar. You should kind of...

That's impressive in and of itself. That she did something, the audience was like, wait, what? On this show. Yeah, it's kind of amazing. Hard to do. Happy Halloween, Chloe. Clearly, you're heroin-addicted Wednesday

Adams tonight. Very exciting. Yeah, you're right. I'm just me asking for commitment. That seemed to scare off my ex, so... And your ex-boyfriend's actually here. Why did you ask him to commit to the Capitol riot? Come on! How long did you guys date for?

We dated for about six months. Six months. And then what happened? How did it end? He was scared of commitment, had some things that he needs to work on, but it was a good break-up. We're still real close, good friends. He'll forever be my favorite comedian, and it's not because I sucked his dick.

Wow. You said that, like, you did it one time and one time only. Yeah, he paid me for it. He paid me for it. Okay, all right. You're a hooker. Very good. So, Chloe, how long have you known stand-up comedy?

For about seven months. We're doing it for one month. You met him. And the rest is history. And I supported his career. How long has he been doing stand-up, much longer than you? Yeah, I think about seven to eight years now. Oh, shit. Okay. What do you do for a living?

I'm a nanny. Hold on. Hold on. Let's back that up. Let's back that up. Let's back that up. Let's roll that back. Run it back. You met with a family and they said we have children.

Yeah. And then they said we'd like you to watch those children when we're not home. Okay, they're autistic. It takes, you know, it takes one to know once. Yeah. They're autistic. The kids are. One of them is. Wow.

Incredible. Yeah. How old is the autistic kid? Two. What's super autistic about them? How can you tell that the two-year-old is autistic? Non-verbal. They walk on their toes. They may just hate you. Probably. A lot of people do. Non-verbal.

Okay. Very good. A horse gallop. Yes. What red band thinks humans on their toes sound like. So, Chloe, what do you do for, you seem young. How old are you? I'm 25. Right. What do you do for fun? What is a 25-year-old like you do?

Besides trying not to kill myself. All right. No, but I mean, I do stand up. I do digital art on the side. I've actually done some pieces of you and Joe Rogan. So. Okay. Yeah. So have a lot of. Yeah. Okay.

Anyway. So you've just drawn us. I've done digital art. So I actually posted it on the Kill Tony reddit and it blew up. Oh, very cool. Okay. All right. She's working with Kanye West right now on a new line of.

I actually love the Jews. Yeah. You do? Yeah. Have you ever met one? Yeah. What do you call an autistic Jew? What? What do you call an autistic Jew? I don't know what.

Ostrowitz. Okay. Or Auschwitz. All right, Chloe. How long have you been broken up with this guy for? For a week. Wow, it's been a week. Yeah. I mean, did you ever get together?

Or was it more like? It was more his decision, but of course, you know, I was understanding, I, you know, I love him. So. Well, it's good you stayed private about it, you know. Yeah, you know. It's very understandable.

I don't know if he's around, but, hey, he probably went outside, but whatever. Incredible. She seems psycho. Incredible. What music do you do? I'm a drummer. Really? You're a drummer?

Oh my goodness. I'm not going to get up. I'm not going to get up. Oh my goodness. No. No. No. No.

Can you give us one little drum solo? You can't? Why not? That's not autism. Wow. There it is. Amy Schumer, what do you think about that powerful female performance?

I support all women. They're in there. They hate black people. I still support them. I have so many black friends. Chris Rock, that's it. And I will. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's a joke and you can't sue me. I know I support her. She'll be great. Everything will be great. Everyone's going to be fine. Chloe Montgomery. Everybody.

Guys, how loud can this place get for the great and powerful Amy Schumer, huh? Thank you so much. Thank you. Literally one of the greatest comedians on Planet Earth. I have a special.

I listen. Listen to me. Listen to me. Amy Schumer is a special that she wants to promote. It's called Live from the Sunset Strip Richard Pryor. It's my special. I wrote all of it.

That's the drawing from Ryan J. E. Bell. He draws every single episode. Another fucking amazing one. Of course, go fucking if you haven't. Check out Tim's Netflix special. His amazing podcast. His amazing Patreon. One of the great

comedians on Planet Earth. Tim Dillon. How about one more time for the band, John D's. Max Frost. Paul Deemer. Matt Mueling. And the great D Madness. We love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Love you. We'll see you again next week.

Good night everybody. Thank you. Thank you.