KILL TONY - #588 - BRIAN SIMPSON

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Brian Simpson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, David Lucas, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/05/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM – GET $15 OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF A SKY LIGHT FRAME BY USING THE PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM—BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, a company you learned from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get off of a donor and click. Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Yippee! Red Band's here, everybody.

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Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, John Dees on the keyboard right here, Paul Deemer on the horns all the way to the right, Matt Mueling next to him on the electric guitar and on the bass right down the middle. That's the one and only D-Madness, everybody. Oh shit. This is a hot crowd. We have a lot of fun ahead of us, but before we get started, here's a little bit more from

the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. You might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com.

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Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? There you go. Tonight's guest is truly one of the great comedians of Austin, Texas. This is a guy that is a paid regular at the comedy store, moved here, who has one of the newest specials on Netflix and is truly the future of comedy, multiple-time guest. We love him. Austin's own Brian Simpson, everybody. This is where the magic happens, right here.

Brian motherfucking Simpson, welcome my friend. The man, the myth, the legend, I just did the London O2 arena with this guy. We've been flying around, doing arenas, having fun, kicking butt, your podcast is killing it. How are you? How are you? Oh, goddamn good. All right, we're going to have fun.

You've been on the show many times before, you guys know how it works, a ton of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull one of those pieces of paper out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else a few seconds later comes out the angry best Hollywood bear, and it's just a loud noise that cuts them off from talking. We also have a few regulars on the show that write and perform a brand new minute every single week.

It's very, very hard to do. Most of the people that you're seeing are trying their absolute best minute they've ever done before, whereas the regulars have to do a new minute every single week. You guys get it? You ready to start tonight's show or what? Let's do something a little bit fun, huh? We always kick it off with Hans Kim in the first spot, but I want to do something special because we have a guy that's just here for one more week before he has to go back to

the goddamn oil fields of Texas. He's been, yeah, you guys know, some of you might know where we're going with this. He's recently found a huge burst of recent fame on this show. We love him. He's a fucking wild man. I swear to God, he's the origin story for everything we've ever seen like him. The man is a monster. Vulcan gas company, Austin, Texas.

I am proud to present a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Lazer. Here he is. Two things I hate in life. When a buddy gets a girlfriend and you don't see him anymore, Kyle, come back, listen, you're supposed to meet that girl. You're supposed to take her home one fucking night. She got a pussy like a snap in her. I ain't seen you in ten months where you been.

And the second thing I fucking hate is now they have a joint Facebook account. What a fucking cuck. There ain't a fucking piece of pussy on earth that's going to make me join my Facebook together with her. You know what I'm saying? But me, being the fucking minister society that I am, I'm going to go ahead and send a dick pic to that joint account, okay? I like to stir the pot.

I literally sent a picture of my veiny cock in this fucking soup bowl, stirring the pot. But lo and behold, Claire got ahold of it. So now I'm the fucking asshole. Okay? But let me, this is where it gets interesting, M. Night Shyamalan twist, okay? If someone has a joint Facebook account, that means someone cheated. My money would be on my buddy. But three hours after I sent that dick pic, I got a butthole pic from her.

I guess we know who cheated him. I fucking love you. Yo, on some real shit, though, her butthole was super hairy. So it looked like a little pig's tail, little curly pigly wheelies at the back end. Listen. Dude, her butthole sucks and she's a whore. Get away from her. Hell yeah.

Uncle Lazer. When you hear that laser, you know Uncle Lazer's in the fucking house. Maybe she wants you to laser her butthole for her. Have you thought about that? It's gonna cost you extra. I bet. Oh my goodness. Have you ever had to remove hair from a female's body before?

Not per se. Not in like the technical sense, no, but just friction. But when I was 17, when I was 17, I dated a girl who was an esthetician at the aid of Ed of the Institute, I don't know that word. Now, she had to practice like waxing buttholes and lo and behold, who's the one there for her, dude? I love you, baby girl. Get that A on that test.

Uncle Lazer, brought to you by gel plaster. Yo, I wanted to say, dude, I love you on reading rainbow. Take a look. It's in a book. Reading fucking rainbow, dude. I wouldn't have taken you as the reading type, Uncle Lazer. I'm a shapes and colors guy, to be honest. I'm a shapes and colors guy.

He's like an Alex Jones prequel. Holy shit. Yo, I got a gift for you. You do? Yeah, I do have a gift for you. See, I see you wearing this fucking goofy ass Dollar Tree belt buckle on that beautiful western belt. You son of a bitch.

How dare you? I moved down to Texas and dressed apart, at least have a real fucking belt buckle. So I went down to Brownsville a couple days ago. Oh shit. All right. I had to go see a man about a horse, okay? And I found me a nice little old Mexican man. He was smithing, smithing some stuff up and I found this belt buckle here and I traded

my best mule for this belt buckle. Oh. It's right here. What was her name? Excuse me. It's right here. It's 24 karat gold plated. Wow.

Pearl inlaid scorpion. They got to feed twice a week. Wait, that's still alive in there? Still alive. Tap it. Tap it. Yeah. Oh shit.

Yeah. Don't get stinging. You're gonna get that pecker stung that's gonna swell up like a balloon. Thank you so much, Uncle Laser. This is so nice. Merry fucking Christmas. I think mine's pretty sweet, but I'm gonna replace it. Okay, okay.

I'm gonna replace it. I'm gonna wear this in honor of you. That's a Chinese scorpion right there. Yeah, but they have the same eyes, dude. Relax. Oh shit. That was Uncle Laser. I didn't say it.

You can't cancel Uncle Laser, folks. I can't even read. Uncle Laser, so you have to get back to the oil fields for a few weeks. Isn't that right? Yeah, or dreams go to die. Yeah, I gotta leave a Saturday shooting a television show and then leaving from straight there. That's a television show.

We're gonna hunt hogs at night time with AK-47s, and we're taking a bunch of fucking people out there that don't know how to shoot guns, and we're gonna get them drunk, and we're gonna put them in the dark, and we're gonna make them hunt hogs. Oh my goodness. So, nothing, surely nothing's gonna go wrong there. Maybe D-Madness can give them some advice on how to kill in the dark. You know what I'm saying? I beat you to it.

Uncle Laser, so what are those oil fields like out there? Explain to us the type of work that you're doing. What's it like? Well, it's not like the clamp is where you shoot the ground and the oil comes out. You actually gotta dig for it. And it's just long, strenuous hours with fucking convicts. That's all it is. That's all they hire out there.

It's the only people that do that work. But they're good people. Are you a convict? I have a warrant out for my arrest right now. You do? Yeah. Is that why you go by Uncle Laser? That's right, dude.

I'm like that shitty uncle that got out on parole but can like, can't be like 500 yards from the playground, but I can still look at him through the chain link fence. Oh, shit. You know what I'm talking about. You just got Uncle Laser. What's the warrant for? Do you know? Fraud.

I took out a credit card in my mama's name and she called the cops on me. What a bitch. Damn. Yeah. I know. I thought we were family blood. They're going to water bullshit. She sold me out for a fucking fucking $1,500 bounty.

I hate your mom. So what's it like when a bounty hunter that looks like you comes face to face with you? It's like you ever get chased around by your dad at the playground? It's kind of like that. If I were you, I would just throw him off because you look so much like a bounty hunter. If I were you, I'd be like, who are we looking for? Yeah, exactly. I'm here for the same guy.

I've been looking for him for weeks. You could do that, dude. You could fucking, you're a natural bounty hunter deterrent. By trade, yeah, by trade, yeah. Sometimes I tuck my wiener between my legs and look for that, dude. Hey, do you give yourself a little money if you find it? Every now and again, like a tooth fairy. Uncle Lazer, we fucking love you.

I'm glad I was able to shoehorn you up here before. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Uncle Brian, you know how fucking me there, baby boy. I love it. He leaves on Saturday, so he's in on Thursday. Uncle Lazer, we love you. Love you guys. I just know when you're back from the oil fields.

It's going to be a few weeks before we see Uncle Lazer again. You guys ready to go to this fucking bucket, huh? This is where shit gets a little bit wild. This is where it could be you. Perhaps you signed up. Perhaps your buddy signed up. Perhaps you're a brand new comedian. Perhaps it's a local legend who's been waiting for years

for this opportunity. Your first name out of the bucket goes by the name of Danny Tierney, everybody. Danny Tierney. Listen to this reading rainbow back here. Oh, that is. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Danny Tierney, everyone.

Yeah, how's it going, everyone? Yeah, the other day I was making love to my wife. True story, yeah. She asked me to stop, and I didn't. Now, don't go get all judgy on me, okay? Before you get a judgy, just know that she gets really upset when I break character, okay? And she said to me, she said, you know what?

A lot of things after that. She said, you know what? You better get off me. And I have some cousins that are narcos, and they're going to cut your dick off and shove it in your ass. And of course, I'm getting really, really hard. And then she says, you know what?

I forgot the safety word. And that made me even more hard. And then after we were over, no shit, she really did forget the safety word. And I kind of felt bad. And then she said she was leaving me. So I said, you know, I'm going to shave my hair so I can look like my favorite podcaster.

And I got out of the bathroom. I said, hey, honey, what do you think? And she said, well, you don't look like Joe Rogan. You sure as fuck don't look like the rock player. I said, well, who then? She said, American History Acts. Danny, Danny, Danny. Hello, Danny.

Welcome to the show. Went a little long there. I love it. Danny Tierney, I don't even know where to begin with you. Brian Simpson, you look like you have something. I wish I'd known the safety word in the middle of the day. Danny, I don't know where to begin with you, my friend. I don't know where the fucking...

You look like a gun instructor. You look like your own daughter's high school basketball coach. I'm getting weird vibes from you. What do you do for work, Danny? I am a contractor. For what? For homes. I build homes.

Oh, OK. I thought you meant for, like, people's lives and stuff for a second. You have a look, which could be... Like a little bit, yeah, a little bit crazy. I had my head recently. How do you feel about it? I'm going to grow back out. Oh, OK.

Yeah. All right. What made you do it? You just wanted to surprise you? It was a long, hot summer, and I just wanted to change. I wanted to see how I looked. It looks like you did it very recently. I did it last night.

It's been a little bit chilly for the last few weeks. I kept it going. I kept it going. Oh, OK. Yeah. All right. So you were just so hot one day, you're like, fuck it. I'm going to fucking look like an alien forever.

That's right. That's right. So you're a contractor. How long have you been with your wife? 10 years. What does she do? She is an esthetician. Oh, OK.

Yeah, she does facials. I do believe Uncle Lazer's fucked around with her before. Yeah, it probably does. So, Danny, how long have you been attempting the art form of stand-up comedy? This is my sixth time. Your sixth time ever? Yeah. Yeah.

OK, when were the... My last time? Uh-huh. It was here. Oh, it was? Yeah. OK. About a month, two months ago.

Did you have hair then? I had hair, yeah. Oh, OK. So you really did cut it once the summer ended. Yeah, I had to cut it. You just... Did you shave your eyebrows also? Oh, you have eyebrows?

Yeah, I have eyebrows. I can't see them. Yeah. You look like Robocop has AIDS. No. Robocop has AIDS. You look like Darth Vader when they take the mask off. Oh, wow.

There you go. Wow. You're thrown here. You look like Darth Vader after he died. Whoa. Red Band's roasting back. From AIDS. Whoa.

Double AIDS on you. Double AIDS. Bum, bum, bum, bum. It's double AIDS. It's double AIDS. It's double AIDS. Hell yeah. All right, Danny.

So let's talk about it. What's the most interesting thing about you that we could find out during the interview podcast? Okay. Wow. All right, all right. It looked like he was trying to remember whether he was talking about his real identity or his undercover identity.

You don't look like a Simpson. You look like the doctor from The Simpsons. Okay, Danny, stop trying to make fun of people. You're really, really, really not good at it. Okay, thank you for your Simpsons sound effect, Red Band. That shows all that comedy every two months he's working on there. You'll be all right. Danny, what's going on?

What's going on in your real life? Are you happy? I'm a little bit happy. I'm kind of missing LA. How long did you live in LA? For 10 years. And how long have you been here? Since March.

Since March. What are you possibly missing about LA? The weather. What's up with you and the weather, dude? Are you all right? What's wrong? It's been 65 fucking 70 degrees all week this week. It was 100 degrees for seven months.

And, you know, I'm more of a northern onky. God, you are the tallest pussy I've ever seen in my entire life. I think he's also missing. One of the things I like about is I like the people, though. That's the one thing I like about LA. You like the people here in Texas? Well, we don't like you, Danny. No.

I don't like the people from LA. Just the people that are from here, though. So. All right, Danny. Okay. All right. How old are you? I'm 47.

Wait. Why did you think about it like that? I don't know. I'm thinking about it. I don't think about my age that much. All right. Okay, Danny. Well, I don't know if you're exactly built for show business.

I don't know. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Is there something that we're missing here? I can rap. You can rap? No way. You can not rap. There's no way.

There's no fucking way on earth that you can rap. This is incredible. What are you going to do? A little Kanye, but white skinhead? Yeah. Yeah. What type of rap can you do? Are you talking about gift rap, perhaps?

It is the holiday season. I do believe that you're the type of guy that... Anything off the top. Anything off the top? No, not anything off the top. Can you rap? It's just rap. Yeah, I can rap.

You can rap? Yeah, why not? So if these guys gave you a beat, you're going to rap. Give me a beat. Okay. Not too loud either, guys, because I want to be able to hear this shit. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Freeze. This is a bank robbery. Now you're probably not going to want to do or say anything to stop me. Just shut your mouth and open up your pockets at your personal property, because they're going to do the outside since he wants to sign a peace treaty. Hold the dash. These cops want to smash. So I'm stuck in the vault with the gun and the cash.

One of them did drop in, had to pop in, took a hostage. Not one, not two, but three. The banker, the teller, and one of them is just my homie, but they don't know that he know me. And they don't know about the underground abandoned subway system that's below me. Bryan Simpson can blow me. I'm up in the house with my cousin and his other dude. All right, Danny.

Danny, that's enough. That's enough. All right, ASAP, honky. Oh my God. It didn't even need to, it didn't even need to make sense. It worked. I don't know. I love it when the blind guy hates a guy that looks like that.

It's like he knows. It's like he knows. I fucking hate him, Tony. I can just tell. You want to feel my face? D-Madness can hear, D-Madness can hear the acoustics of the sound bouncing off of Danny's bald head. All right, Danny. Fun stuff.

You prove that the, that the bucket is real. You are proof that no part of the show is produced at all. Danny Tierney. There he goes. There he goes. Danny Tierney giving away the joke book to some happy people from Brownsville. Look at that. I just assumed they're from Brownsville too, right?

Oh, okay. Yeah, good. Heck yeah. I'm guessing you all took one small car to be here today. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Rebecca Annie Grassley, everyone. Oh shit, right from the front row. The look of shock that just went over her face. Very exciting.

Rebecca Annie Grassley has arrived to kill Tony. My white boyfriend loves dating in Oriental, but there are some things about me that confuse him. For example, I usually wear really slimming outfits, but I still insist on wearing my pussy horizontal. I'm actually half Korean, half white, a bit of a rice cracker. I can't drive for shit, I ask for the manager, but I 100% love fucking black guys. My boyfriend, I have a good sex life, but he always makes that joke about being hungry again like an hour later. And he says like weird shit in bed, like ching chong, eat this ding dong, and like more cock for your walk. But I don't think he's racist, I think he's just likes rhymes and he's maybe like half a retard.

We're polyamorous because honestly times are tough and like I needed more logins. So I have a guy for Netflix, a guy for Hulu, and he's got some hoodrat bitch for Paramount Plus. That's all I have. Wow, exactly a minute. You got good hearty laughs there, Rebecca Annie Grassley. Welcome to the show. Hi. How's it going?

Really good. Is that your first time doing stand-up? Yeah. Wow, how about a hand for her? Incredible. Incredible. From right here, you got called out right from the front row. My favorite part of your set was when you said that you love fucking black guys.

I got to look right at your white boyfriend's face and fucking just disappointment. Did you share these jokes with him before you came up here? Yeah. Wow, even though you knew that was coming, you still like were just fucked man. He's really supportive honestly. I love it. Most cucks are, I like that. I love that.

He holds your hips while you're riding a giant black cock. I love it. My goodness. I love your jokes, rice cracker, all that stuff. Very, very edgy stuff. Thank you. What do you do for work? I'm a grants administrator in non-profit work, so.

Okay. All right, good. Well, no matter what job you had, it was going to be non-profit after that set anyway. Hopefully they never find this. I love it. Yeah. How long you been with this white guy? Eight months.

Eight months. And you guys are really polyamorous? You guys really like get around and do stuff? Do the things. Yeah. Wow. That's wild. And did you guys decide that like early on in the relationship?

Yeah. Yeah. I was already polyamorous before. I kind of real demand. Right. Exactly. This pussy didn't know what was going on. I love it.

That is amazing. So wow. So like, what's the deal? Do you guys have like a set up like deal? What are the rules of a polyamorous relationship between? I mean, it's whatever you want it to be, honestly. It's whatever rules you create for it. But yeah, like it's, it works like an open relationship, but better.

I guess. Do you guys like tell each other if you do something? Yeah. It was all of a sudden if he's like, he just comes home. He's like, why does it smell like cocoa butter up here? The wine tropic. Yeah. They bought all my barbecue sauce go.

All that's left in there is sugar free barbecue sauce. So you guys like tell each other. Hold on. We got to make sure this wizard gets back to his seat properly. Jesus. What the fuck? Do you have a magic spell for that or something? Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it works out for sure. High level communication, you know, right? Right. Okay. Get it all. It's dope.

Okay. But look on his face. Doesn't say that it's that dope. I don't know. Do you think he can tell after you hook up with a black guy? Does it take him a little bit longer to come or anything like that? Is it like, is it like throwing a pencil down a hallway or something like that after? Like, all right.

Do you think it's different with any thoughts on anything that I'm saying? Honestly, I'm just so nervous right now. No, I bet. I bet. I can't even imagine what that's like because I've always been over here. I can't imagine what it's like on the other side. Are you guys looking for a third? Oh shit.

Oh shit. Hell yeah. Don't tell me, bro. Are you down? I bet. I bet you. Wow. Oh shit.

This just happened. Oh my God. This guy's in. Look at that. I love it. I can't wait to watch him put the sleep apnea mask on Brian's face. Now, is your husband going to hide behind a curtain when Brian fucks you? Like, do you have like one of those?

I have to participate. I think you guys could do some research. I think you guys could do some really interesting role play. I see this guy's got a little Derek Chauvin vibe to him right here. He could put a fucking. Oh shit. He just rubbed his knee. He's really getting into this.

Did your husband have or your boyfriend help you write your jokes? Yeah. Did you write the one that called yourself Oriental? Oh yeah, for sure. Wow. That doesn't bother me at all. Right. Of course.

It doesn't bother anybody unless they want to make a big deal about it. No, that's just weird though. Where do you guys live? Here in Austin? Jacksonville actually. Okay. Florida. What brought you to Austin, Texas?

Actually, kill Tony. We started watching it early on in every episode since. I love it. That's amazing. See, when did you get in? Sorry. When did you get into town? Monday.

Yeah. Today? Sorry, yesterday. And how long are you in town for? Till Friday. Yeah. Awesome. Very, very cool.

Yeah. And did you guys both write sets or you just... Yeah, he's got a... He did too? Really? What's his name? Phil. You guys think we should see Phil's minute?

God damn it. The one and the only. Phil has arrived. Phil. Here he is, everybody. Phil from Jacksonville, Florida. Hey. It's my first time also.

Bear with me. So we're from Florida. Not like cool Florida. Not like DJs, Puerto Rican DJs, shouting in microphones, kind of Florida. But like the boring kind, middle kind, you know. Like old people in an ass car, that kind of stuff. A surprising number of local drag shows though.

Here's the thing. Why are all drag queens bigger than me? Like makeup's good, hair's good, but it looks like, you know, Bernice could lift a fucking golf cart over her head. So like every Daytona drag queen, it looks like a Dallas cowboy and witness protection.

Pretty much. Some are fat too. Some are just fat as hell. Which is fine. Which is cool. I mean, I got a question though. Heels? Still?

Heels. Yes. I mean, yeah. I mean, it's pushing like 300 pounds still in heels. I mean, equals looking like grapefruits on the golf tee. Still?

I mean, it's wild. Okay, Phil. There we go. I'd imagine this is what a threesome with you two is like. We all got to watch Rebecca have a lot more fun up here. Phil, amazing. It's interesting that your name is Phil since that's what you let other guys do to your girlfriend.

Oh shit. Oh my goodness. You got to go second tonight, which is exactly how I think it's going to go when Brian joins the fray. Oh my goodness. Phil, how do you feel? Your first time doing stand-up comedy.

Let's get that out of the way. A hand for Phil. It takes a lot of courage to do that, but then again, we happen to know you have a lot of courage in the first place. My goodness. Tough following Rebecca. What's harder?

Following Rebecca doing her minute or fucking her after a black eye has. I ran out of time this time around. I finished a little fast, you know. I'd imagine that happens quite a bit too, actually. I love it. Phil, what do you do for work? I'm a nurse.

Oh, hell yeah. We see who wears the fucking pants in this relationship. What type of nurse are you? Like oncology, surgical. Okay, wow. So you're like a legit nurse. Okay, fuck you. Okay, so there's definitely,

I bet you guys role play that every once in a while, right? I can put the sleep apnea machine on. Oh, hell yeah. Brian, this shit is on, dude. This shit is on. With the water tight. Oh, yeah. Sterile water.

Up to the fill line. I got you. There you go. I got it. That is correct. Very good. Do you get a discount on Narcan? No.

No, we don't. Yeah, red band looking for his next fix of Narcan, everyone. I love it. Okay, so let's talk about it. Do you have any special skills or talents, Phil? Not in particular, no. Man, I figured if the last guy could rap, you could at least do something.

No. But no, huh? What do you like to do for fun? He likes to watch. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. I feel a yoni, you know, I do a lot. He does like to watch.

Is that a Rolex on your wrist? No, it's an Orient actually. Oh, wow. You got one on your wrist and one on your lap. Look at that. That's incredible. Absolutely amazing. And where did you two meet at?

Hinge. Oh, wow. Hold on. Give the microphone back to Rebecca over there. I want to talk to the funny one out of this bundle. Where'd you guys go on your first date? We went out to a brewery and then I invited him back over. Oh, hell yeah.

Rebecca's all gas, no break. I love it. And you get him back to your place. All right. And then what happens? And he puts on kill Tony. Are you serious? I'm fucking serious.

Your first date? Yeah. Wow. This is what we do here. A lot of people call us the new first base. If you put on kill Tony, you're probably about to fill Tony. You know what I'm saying? All right.

So you're, you made it to kill Tony. I want to know what part did he make a move? Was it Hans Kim, David Lucas or William Montgomery? How far in did you guys make it? I think it was about like mid range. And of course I was the one that made the first move. Of course. Of course.

I'm guessing five minutes after David Lucas went on stage. Hell yeah. I love it. Rebecca Annie. Do you have any special skills or talents other than being one of the top new stand-up comedians in the world? I just signed up for a kickball league. Oh really?

Kickball? Oh my goodness. Is the ball? Okie dokie. I'm sorry. I forgot we all love Rebecca. I'm sorry. No.

The unroastable Rebecca everyone. I love it. I love it. Kickball. Wow. Jeez. So you're just planning on bringing a bunch of plain white guys back to your place again, huh?

I love it. I've been wondering why the kill Tony numbers have been skyrocketing in Jacksonville lately. I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about YouTube before we let you go and enjoy the rest of your week here in Austin, Texas? Alright. You guys are absolutely adorable. Thank you so much.

That was great. Some noise for Phil and Rebecca Annie Grassley. Here you guys go. Take a couple of those home with you. Those are giant books by the great Bones Eye. Alright. We're having fun here. Let's get another one of our regulars up here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy went from broke to arenas. Now he's got a little bit of a fucking attitude on him if you ask me. Ladies and gentlemen. Sing it if you know the words. The words are, this is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

Hey, what's up, guys? You think there's anyone at the protest in China right now who's like, what do you think we are, a communist China? Oh yeah, we are. Sorry, I'll go home. I would hate to be in a crowd crush like what happened in Seoul or Travis Scott concert. That's one of my worst fears.

But if I was ever in a crowd crush, would I use that opportunity to get laid? Like, sorry, my cock's in the way. If only there was a vagina I could put it in. Save some space. You guys, like, you can use my asshole. Excuse me, sir, I'm a feminist. Please don't take jobs away from women.

All right, thank you. Wow, Hans Kim, look at you. Back in business. Hell yeah. I love everything about it, Hans. How do you feel? I feel amazing. Hell yeah.

You look like an Asian woody doll right now. I love this look that you have. It's adorable. It's a very likable look. Thank you. There's a pangolin in my boot. Oh, my goodness. Wow, an Asian woody doll.

That is incredible. Oh, my goodness. How do you feel, Hans? I feel great. I was a little worried about my career last week. Why? Why would you be? I just thought I could have had a better set.

And, you know, I spent a lot of time worrying. And now look at the product. I had a great set. I'm doing great. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. These people didn't even know you had a rough set last week. Here you are.

Thank you. Giving them information they didn't need to know. Now guys that wearing bucket hats are judging you extra hard right now. Congratulations. I love it. Hans, what have you been up to this week? Tell us more. I've been traveling around.

I went from Phoenix on Thursday to Massachusetts on Friday. Just doing sold out shows, almost sold out shows. Oh, wow. There you go again. You were fine. And then all of a sudden you basically shit on yourself for no reason. No one would have cared had you not said some almost sold out shows. I love it.

You're very, very, you're famously honest on this show, Hans. Some people call you honest Hans. Yeah, which is my thing. That sounded like a lie. That's the crazy part. I'm agreeing that he's honest. Sounds like a lie. Can you lie?

Yeah, for sure. Lie to us right now. How many of you guys want to see Hans Kim lie? Yo. No, you don't have to rap. I know the music got him excited. The music got him excited, folks. He's easily excitable.

Almost went full eight mile here right now. What's up? Wait, what? Are you still doing it? Hold on. Do it again. What's happening? Yo.

Mom's low mean. Yo, I'm rapping. I'll kill Tony. I feel great. Not boney. You think I'm made out of money, but stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

I'm gonna stop you right there. Anytime someone says boney twice right after Tony, I have to stop it. I have to stop it like a referee has to stop a UFC fight sometimes. I just have to wave it off. But that was something. We want you to lie to us. Here's a lie from the great Hans Kim.

Hey, what's up, guys? So, you know, really buttering us up for this one. You know, not everything they say about me is true. I, you know, I love being gay. Yeah. That's another episode of Hans lives. Incredible. I love that.

You're very good at that. Thank you, Tony. Wait, what's that on your pocket there? Is there something on there? Is there a hole over there right there? There's just a hole. What? How do you have a hole in your shirt?

That's a brand new shirt. It's a Goodwill purchase. Oh, you're going cheap again. I actually bought this shirt six months ago, but you made fun of this hole on my shirt and I haven't worn it since. Wait a second. Are you fucking serious? Yeah.

I don't remember that. I don't ever talk about it. You know, a lot of comedians like to smoke pot in front of everybody and everything to fucking look cool. I just smoke a ton right before the show starts and normally you go up first. So I don't ever remember anything that we ever talk about. You could have lied every episode and I wouldn't even remember that. I love being honest.

You are such a sweet boy. Hans, what else were you up to this week? What did you do for fun? I got high on mushrooms here last Kill Tony. Wait, a week ago? Yeah. After? After the show.

Or during? After. I was having a great after Kill Tony. You were? Yeah. Even though you didn't like your set last week? No. The afterwards part was way more fun.

Yeah. And we were signing a book for our good friend and we all signed it and for some reason someone was Joe White's birthday so they wrote happy birthday in the book. All right. That's a whole different thing. All right. Forget it. Tony, do you remember a couple weeks ago?

I think it was two weeks ago. He said something about staying at a hotel that was next to a train station and it was like, we found out some facts that weren't true. That's like 45 minutes apart. Remember that? No. Not really. South Central LA and Koreatown?

Oh yeah. That's right. We were staying in South Central and Koreatown, which is very far away from one another. Were you lying to us then? No. If you Google map South Central, it's actually quite close to Koreatown. It's definitely not. I mean, it's just not.

I don't know LA that well. It was honestly, I don't, yeah, I mean, it was an honest mistake. I really don't know where anything is. All right. John Dees is saying that he can't stop lying right now. Are you lying to us, Hans? No. I'm being very honest.

Thank you for having me. It's an honor to be here. Is it really an honor for you to be here, Hans? All right. We're going to get him out of here. There he goes. The great, the powerful Hans Kim. Selling out shows.

Almost selling out some other shows. Get tickets. That's the move. Seeing a real comedian like that who's just starting to headline out on clubs. Him, David, William. All right. Your next comedian out of the bucket. It's our first time, I do believe, meeting George Red Speaks, everyone.

Here we go. You guys having fun out there, huh? Brownsville. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Here he is. George Red Speaks, ladies and gentlemen.

What's up? What's up? How y'all doing? Y'all feeling good? Shit. I'm feeling better than you. I'm just out of prison. That's love, right?

I have not robbed none of you yet. Yeah, man. The first thing I could not do was see my son. It said, yeah, it was during the pandemic. And then, and then Abbott came up and he said, we 35%. So then I opened up, did a barbecue. Cop showed up. He said, what are you doing?

Oh, shit. I fucked up. He was like, what are you doing? You can't open up this barbecue. This is a lockdown. And I said, oh my God, this is what I'm doing. And then he says, I fucked up. Here we go.

Go ahead. I want to hear what you were trying to do. Fix it. You could do it, George. I'm with you. I like your style. Let's fucking get it right. Thanks, Tony.

Yeah. Look, I got out of prison. I couldn't wait to see my son. It was his 15th birthday. Give it up for my son. He's a 15th. Hell yeah. It was badass, man.

I was just so proud. I was just like three more years, three more years than his mom says, three more years for what? I said, uh, until... I don't have to pay your bitch ass child support no more. Okay. But then she educated me. She said, you know what?

You have to pay child support till he graduates college. That's the new law. Did you know that? Yeah, it's fucked up. No, no, no. I want to hear more. Was that it? So I want to edit...

I like it. I'm going to let him run a fucking hour special. I want to hear what's going on. I'm sorry, Tony, I'm sorry. I like it. You're doing it. You're in it. So I wanted to educate my son.

I wanted to inspire my son. Every time I restart him, he comes back with more confidence and swagger too. You just keep doing this until you're fucking... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I want to educate. I want to inspire him.

I said, you can quit school right now. I'm just saying Sonic has a fast track to management. This is what I'm... I'm sorry. You're good. You're good. You're good. George Redd speaks, ladies and gentlemen.

George, welcome to the show. Thank you, Tony. Thank you. Hell yeah. Okay, so let's talk about it. This is your first time here. Yes, sir. This is your first time doing stand-up comedy, right?

Tonight, yeah, here at Tony. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years? I'm sorry. What do you mean? Is that your catchphrase? I'm sorry.

There we go. Okay, okay, okay. Thank you. Okay, so George, without apologizing, let's talk about this. Where have you been doing stand-up for five years? Improv. Actually, I met you at Hyena's. You were headlined in the main room.

I was headlined in the red room at Fort Worth. Okay. He's way better. Yeah, you mean I was doing the show that people buy tickets for? Yeah. And you were in the lobby. I was in the lobby. Where they put people that weren't able to get tickets for my show.

Exactly. Okay. Perfect. Just so that people understand. We weren't just in two different rooms. It's a magical club. You were in the fucking waiting room. Yeah.

And the waiting room, they were waiting for me, George. I know you probably told this story to other people. Like, yo, me and Hinchcliffe were competing, man. Yo, dude, we went fucking head to head. And then they put me in prison, dog. And then I was fucking all like, what the fuck? Oh, shit. I fucked up.

I'm sorry. That's exactly the way it went down, dude. I hope they caught this on camera. But when he walked on stage, he did this. Yeah. And the piece of lettuce flew. Yeah. I thought I was seeing solid stuff.

I was outside. I was outside. Were you eating a euro out there? Sharma. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, that's, that's. Sharma, whatever. Sharma.

It's called Sharma when you're in prison. They're used to making that shit on a radiator with cheez-its and shit. Yeah. How long were you in prison for? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Holy shit. Can I ask what got you in prison?

Um. No, what got you out of prison? Two and a half years? Sharma. How'd you get out so early? Well, I got five. I got five. I got out early.

Oh shit. Someone hired Thomas J. Henry. Damn. That's how it happened. Got out early, huh? So, okay. So, what was the crime? I gotta know, George.

Uh, it was just drinking and driving. Okay. You killed somebody. Did you really? No. Oh, okay. Okay, good. Who's about to get weird up in this motherfucker?

In Texas, they lock you up if you're drunk and you fall asleep in your own driveway. For five years, they don't. Yeah, that's not what happened to you. Well, that's what happened. That's what happened. I don't know what to say. You fall asleep in someone else's driveway with a car on top of someone's body. And a child.

Uh, yeah. That's exactly what happened. Time for school, dad. Yeah. Two and a half years. And you have one son? I have one son, yeah. Were you still with your baby mama when the, uh...

No. Do you why it happened? You guys were already split up. Yeah. Okay. Um, how long ago did you guys break up? Ugh. Shit, he's 15, so about 10 years ago.

10 years ago. Okay, he was Cinco. Cinco. Cinco. Alright. So, what do you do for work, George? When did you get out of prison exactly? I got out three and a half years ago.

It's funny, sometimes. Well, three years ago, I got out March 25th during the pandemic. Right. Got that part. Yeah. What did you do in comedy for, like, four and a half years, though? Yeah, but see, I was doing comedy inside there, too. Ah, look at you.

Steven Roosevelt. Like, Mexican Johnny Cash over here. Steven Roosevelt, man. Fuckin' Johnny Pesos. Hey, y'all, I'm George and, uh, I'm sorry. This is a little tune called, I Didn't Prepare Hard Enough for This. I mean, I was just a baby. Alright.

Oh, yeah. When my son was a baby, I fucking left him high and dry. Oh, my goodness. So, where was I about to get at? What kind of jokes would you do in the prison? Let's hear a little of your fucking prison material. Prison material? Well, shit.

Has anyone ever seen, uh, uh, Naked and Afraid? Yeah. Good show, right? That's our favorite show in prison. The fucked up thing is when they choose to show it. It's right before shower time. Yeah. Talk about being naked and afraid.

There you go. There you go. That's a prison joke right there. That's a prison joke right there. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love it. You have any more prison jokes?

We like prison jokes here on Kill Tony. We never get to hear prison jokes. You ever rape anybody in prison? Tell the truth. Two and a half years is a long time. The Lord knows I would drop the soap day one. I mean, I would go in there and just whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Only with their prey.

Hey, dude, only with their pain, Tony. Only with their pain, Tony. Oh, shit. Tony would drop the body soap. It wouldn't even be regular soap. He would just be squirting it all over. Thank you, Red Band. Yeah.

Thank you. This undercover cop has to get back to the show. I love it. Is this the guy? Was this your guard right here? Don't say nothing. George, did you have any more prison jokes? Oh, D, that is D.

D's all hyped up. D had six sugar-free Red Bulls before tonight's show. I love how mad you get that I sent you a treadmill. No, I didn't, Tony. Why are you saying that shit? I don't drink that shit. Spirnoff. There you go.

I guess it's Black Bull to you, D-Madness. I guess Red doesn't really... Everybody's black on here. George, did anybody ever try to speak into Black Bulls? Did anybody ever try to rape you when you were in prison? No. D-Madness, no one's talking to you, you son of a bitch. He was there the whole time.

He was there the whole time. I'm going to put D-Madness in one of those fucking... I'm going to put D in one of those Robin Quiver's boots. What is going on right now? D is out of control right now. Holy shit, dude. I don't know, man. I think D really got some experience in there.

He stuffed up and everything. I think D just tried to fight me for a second there. I got scared, dog. You know that if the convicted felon is scared, that everyone should be. Did you have any more prison jokes, George? Yeah. Any time when Red Band will put me on the show.

No, that's not happening. Oh, no, that didn't happen. I wouldn't even love it. I tried. Hey, if you're available Thursday, I'd like you to mow my lawn. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Red Band, Red Band, Red Band.

It's quick with it. Red Band. That might be the best fucking. Yo, Red Band. That's a bad ass, though. Red Band just fucking got your ass, dude. Got my ass. Oh, my God.

An international YouTube. Oh, my God. This guy's going to be drunk driving all around Flugerville till he finds you, dude. He's going to find you. Oh, my goodness. Now, I never got an answer. Did anyone ever try to rape you, George?

No. Going way back. I'm a gangster dog that. I could tell. I could see it. You got to have enough cigarettes. George Red speaks. Is there anything else we should know about you

before I let you go? I find you to be an incredibly charismatic character. You're so entertaining. This is like what, you know. What do you want to know? I'll tell you anything. What's up? Okay, what's your, what's the craziest move you have

to please a woman in the bedroom? Anything special? You have any fucking special moves that you do, like some fucking Latino stuff or something? Well, you know, there's a flute involved. Oh, you have a flute? Yeah. What do you do with it?

Whistle. Okay, I'm going to get him out of here. Here he goes. One more time for George Red speaks, everybody. Appreciate it, guys. You know what, George? I'm going to give you a big joke book. You'll be able to trade that in for at least five cigarettes

in the prison. No, we got more to go. We got a lot of show left. We got to get another one of our regulars up here, ladies and gentlemen. Absolute legend. One of my favorite fucking comedians on planet Earth. Legendary roaster, legendary writer, legendary comedian.

It's David Lucas, everybody. Make some noise for David, everyone. Yeah. My homeboy said that he's gay and he's a vegetarian. He was like, I don't fuck with meat no more. I was like, I guess that been tofu dick you been sucking. These fat don't know what they are. Purple-haired bitches are ruining America.

These goddamn Trader Joe managers ain't shit, boy. These dry pussy hoes, they are fucking up the country, man. Because they don't get fucked, man. The problem is they need dick. They don't get fucked. They need dick, man. And it's always ugly girls that are so opinionated. Pretty women never have a problem with anything

because they don't have a fucking opinion. Pretty girls don't even say much. All they be like is, OK, sure. My girlfriend's gorgeous and she only knows four words and I'm going to keep it like that. Once you learn sentences, you're no longer pretty, bitch. All right, thank you. Fuck yeah.

David Lucas, a minute, 20 seconds. Add it again. Unstoppable force out here. Killing every week. Headlining all over the fucking world. Why are you telling it? Yeah. What?

You like you're breaking to a nigga house and lick their feet. Wait, why do I look like that? Motherfucking black shit you got old nigga. You look like, what's that shit? Fuck into the dragon, into my asshole, nigga. What the fuck? That's a kung fu movie for Tony, he been. You look like you're dressed like enter the in and out.

Look at those pant legs are strangling your ankles right now. Those things are a little tight down there. You getting fucking as if your feet are already getting enough blood to them. What do you call your ankles, George and Floyd? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Brian. Tony said I'm sorry. I'm apologizing to Brian, not to you.

I'm going to twist it here. Brian is my intellectual guest. I have no regrets about saying that to you though whatsoever. I would never apologize to you. I can't. Only out of my booty hole. I'm sorry, David. That's what my butthole sounds like.

But those are some interesting pants. They really do. They get tighter as they go down. You're an interesting human. What the fuck is you talking about? Tony was the first baby born with no gender. Is it a boy? Is it a girl?

I don't fucking know. Fucking petite as shit. That's all I know. They said the same thing about you. They're like, he has dick and tits. We're not sure what is exactly. We don't know. He doesn't have a vagina, but he has full-size breasts.

I love this look tonight. I love it. Thank you, bro. I like your look too. Gay. Fucking dude. You know you're not allowed into... Never mind.

No, it's good. That's a new jacket. That's a very homophobic joke. That's a new jacket, huh? Yeah, that's a new jacket. I like that. It says Tommy on it. The nigga left that at your house.

He fucked you. I don't have to buy clothes because men always leave their shit. Show has somebody here. Oh, my God. All Tony wants for Christmas is a hard dick. Are we doing Christmas jokes? Is that the fucking thing? I know you got above fucking a tramp stamp of a mistletoe.

You can't get in until you kiss under the mistletoe. Tony got a tattoo of a dollar bill above his dick. They say, all you can eat for under a dollar. If I had a sign there, you'd probably fucking pay for it. That is incredible. Mistletoe is what the doctor that removes one of your toes is going to call your toe because they're going to launch it into a trash can like a missile. Your toe off of your diabetic foot because of your love for sweets and alcohol is going

to eventually cost you your toe, your mistletoe. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There's one thing I need. No, stop, stop, stop. If I knew that song, I'd make a joke to it. Oh, man. Frosty the snowman. I would make a joke about something, something underneath the Christmas tree, but it wouldn't

have anything to do with you hanging there. It's the next lyrics of the song, and I said that I wouldn't make that joke. I said I would never. If I was pitched in a writer's room, I would say no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's all I'm saying. I'm saying that I wouldn't. Tony, when you as a kid used to put the charcoal in the carrot at the bottom of the snowman. That's true.

And I have really good eyesight now for how much of the carrots that I put down my throat. Your booty cheeks had frostbite. That's true. That's why I put the snowman. Sometimes I would put the carrot on the bottom of the snowman, and I would pull down my pants. You cried. I believe it was the great juvenile that once said, back that ass up. And they could cry when springtime came.

That's why you had such good vision, man. Tony has 20-20. Yeah. From all those carrots. Red Bear, your vision is full for fun. Oh, y'all stepped on a good joke. No. I said Red Band's vision is full.

You stepped on my fucking joke, bitch. Oh, wow. Red Band, reset. What the fuck? Actual joke. I made that joke up. I didn't fucking read it. Okay, Red Band.

Red Bear, shut your Alex Jones band in the glass. Oh, yeah. Shut your Whoopie Goldberg ass up. Oh, shit. I know your favorite color is purple, bitch. There you go. Yeah, I got testosterone shots. I'm on week six.

Wow. Wow. Incredible. I can't wait to see what's coming up. Yeah. Right. That motherfucker will pass out. We'll kill Tony over with.

We'll fall down if we're heart attacking that hard way back down. I love it. David, you're fucking legendary. You come in here and this show always reaches another level. We absolutely love you. Everybody loves you. David Lucas. David Lucas.

David Lucas. David Lucas funny. David Lucas comedy. David Lucas comedy. For tickets. He's going everywhere. We love him. David Lucas.

Everybody. All right. Should we go to this bucket one more time? Huh? What do you guys think? You guys having any fun out there? All right. Francisco Recone.

Francisco. Rincón. Oh, la, la. Here we go. Coming from upstairs. Making his way to the stage, everybody. These people wait all night for this. Put your hands together for Francisco.

Rincón. Hey there. I was talking about size of penises as we do. And we came to a conclusion that you don't need a massive dick. Okay, sir? Your penis is big enough as long as you're able to grab it with two hands. That's why I let my little cousin grab mine. And he's only four.

You know what I'm saying? I'm doing pretty okay myself. All right. That's a fucked up joke. His hands were way bigger. But I like you guys. You guys are laughing. You're not a bunch of faggots.

That's good. They told me the other day, hey, you shouldn't say faggot anymore. I was like, look, it took me 20 years to learn English. Now you want me to forget some words? Fuck you, faggot. Go fly a kite. Francisco Rincón. Did you have one more that you wanted to do?

It's not like I learned from a professor. I learned from you motherfuckers in high school calling me a faggot. Hell yeah. There it is. The final faggot from Francisco Rincón. I had more, but it's okay. Wow. Incredible.

Incredible. Welcome, Francisco. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years? And it actually seems like it. Thank you. You were doing jokes there.

Very, very funny. Where have you been doing it at? So first time I ever did stand-up was in Shanghai, China. Oh, wow. Yes, indeed. And then I did in Houston, Texas for about eight months. Oh, wow. Those are complete polar opposites right there.

And then here in Austin. Right. For the last few years. Yes. I moved here before COVID. This is where you live? Yes, sir. Absolutely.

And your family came up here from Mexico? Almost. They are from Venezuela. Yeah, but I mean, I'm originally from Ohio, so you have to understand. Yeah. It's all El Paso to me. You know what I mean? Absolutely.

It's all the same thing. I don't know if some of you guys don't know where Venezuela is. If you don't know, it's a small country in the middle of North Korea. It feels like that. You're still doing jokes. I like your style. A little bit. You fucking get it, dude.

Yeah, man, I'm not. Yeah. What do you do for work, Francisco? So I studied mechanical engineering. I got fired last week. You got fired from being a student or being an engineer? No, an engineer. So you made it to being an engineer?

Yes, sir. I've been doing engineering for about 10 years now. Okay. And why did you get fired last week? Because I didn't do my job. Yep. Why didn't you do your job? What made you not want to do it?

I don't know. I'm always in my head and I'm always thinking about lunchtime and... Wow. Wow. You did all that studying. You became a mechanical engineer. I know. My parents in Venezuela sent me here to be an engineer.

I'm a total failure. Yeah. He's like a less adorable Hans Kim. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I love Hans Kim. He's my English teacher. He's a good teacher.

Boom. Home Run Derby over here for Francisco Rincone. Francisco, you're a good looking guy. What's your love life like? Thank you so much. Hell yeah. I like you, Francisco. I like you too, Tony.

Thank you. So what's your love life like? You're looking at me like I am your love life right now. You stopped answering and you just held eye contact with me there. I wish you were, but I'm not homosexual. But you know, you're very successful more than my current girlfriend. I love her. Thank you.

We met on Craigslist. No, you didn't. You stop it. Where'd you really meet her? My girlfriend and I, we met on Craigslist. Did you really? Yeah, she's color white. She's white?

Color white. She's white. She's color white. Yeah, that's the option when he met her. I have a question. Yes. Ryan Simpson. You went out of your way to say faggot like five times,

and then when you were talking about yourself, you said I'm homosexual. Yes, sir. Because that was a bit. I was trying to make jokes. Yeah. Francisco Rincón. Wow.

Look at you. I fucking like your style, man. This is incredible. You're like a fucking funny modern Pee Wee Herman or some shit like that. I don't know who he is. I bet. I bet.

You got here a little bit after Pee Wee did. We didn't have electricity in Venezuela. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. No TV over there. Nope. Nope. Is that true?

You really didn't have a TV growing up? Yes, sir. It was a tough childhood. Yeah. What was it like? No food. Yeah, there's no food over there. They're dying.

There are a bunch of losers. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I'm a fucking winner. I'm a winner here in America. So much food here. You're goddamn right. The undisputed, undefeated best country on planet Earth.

Yes, sir. I moved here and I gained 60 pounds, but just breathing. I love it. Do you ever call your family back home and tell them how good you're doing? If they have electricity, I do. If they have electricity, I do. Holy shit.

My dad asked me yesterday on WhatsApp, obviously. He asked me yesterday how am I doing here in America. I just showed him a photo of me holding a banana. And he knows I'm doing fantastic. Oh my God. Damn. Wow. Wow.

Look at this. I would love to have you open up the secret show Thursday. Wow. Wow. Oh my God. Francisco Rincone. Oh my God. Is there anything else we should know about you

before we let you go? I want to say the jokes I made of El Venezuela are jokes because one time I did a joke of El Venezuela and this Venezuelan guy tried to fight me after. And I'm just joking. I love Venezuela and the people from Venezuela. And these are jokes. Wow.

Unbelievable. What a fucking fantastic performance. What an unbelievable interview. You've used your four years of comedy experience wisely. You have the mind of a mechanical engineer and you're applying it to the art form of stand-up. It's very clear that you are on a very, very fast pathway to success.

Thanks for signing up. Thank you so much. Come back again soon. Thank you so much, Tony Hinchblub. Thank you so much, man. Francisco Rincone has made his kill Tony debut. My goodness. Wow.

Wow. I did not see that coming, Tony. Neither did he madness. You guys think? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You guys think we should do one more out of the bucket?

We're going to go through it fast. This is going to be fast no matter what. But your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Megan Bryant, everyone. Megan Bryant. Megan Bryant. We got movement. You guys see movement?

No, Megan. All right. I'm going to pull another one then. Sometimes people leave after I say one more bucket pull. So maybe she's gone. Jay Mathai. Jay Mathai. Jay Mathai.

No. All right. It's random people raising their hands in the audience. That's not how it works. OK. This looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Mr. Hip Hop. Mr. Hip Hop.

I guarantee you Mr. Hip Hop is here. Mr. Hip Hop is not the kind of name that leaves early. Here he is. Exactly what you thought he would look like. Mr. Hip Hop, everyone. One more time for Mr. Hip Hop. Hello. Hello, everybody.

Wow, this is my first time ever being on Kill Tony Live. I'm really excited. I'm a super big fan of the show. I watch it every single day of my life. And the only problem I have with the show is it gives me massive secondhand embarrassment. Some of these comics are really bad and it just makes me go ugh, really bad. Especially when you reach into the bucket and you pull out a woman's name. I'm like, oh no, I'm skipping this hole.

Your game is skipped. Man, the thing is she might, she might could be funny. She might could, no, she's not going to be funny. Stand up comedy's a man's game, sweetheart. Stand... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, what was I going to say?

There was one last part to the joke. Alright, I'm going to cut you off there at a minute five seconds, Mr. Hip Hop. Welcome to the show. Thank you very much. Came up here just pretty much insulted female comedians. Which is crazy because when you first came up here, I thought you were one. You look more like a miship hop to me. I wonder how many people skipped over you when they saw you come up here.

Incredible. This is very interesting. I've never had a lesbian get out of bed for this show. This is very exciting. Are you in the, are you one of the characters from Home Alone or something? What's going on right here? Why are you in pajama pants right now, Mr. Hip Hop? Man, I was just really nervous and I just wanted to be comfortable, you know.

I wanted to be comfortable for my performance. I bet, Mr. Hip Hop. What's your real name? Johnny. I'm Stan Antonio. How many times have you done stand up? This is my first time. His first time, everyone.

He gave it a shot. He gave it a shot. Kind of. Is any of that true? Are you really a fan of the show? Oh, I'm a huge fan. Right. And you said that you watch it every day, but it only comes out once a week.

I rewatch it. I rewatch it. Wow. Every day. All right. I'm pretty sure this is how villains are created right here. What we're seeing, this type of performance. Johnny, how old are you?

I'm 22. 22. Very young. What do you do for work? I work for the family business. It's a screen printing business, printing t-shirts and stuff. Oh, okay. Wow.

People love screen printing. Oh, yeah. Very good. All right. So you're making money. Screen printing. What do you like to do for fun, Johnny? I like to rap.

No way. There's no way. That laugh, by the way, you might have the scariest laugh I've ever heard in the show's ever. I like to rap, Tony. All right. You really know how to rap? I think so.

I mean, I think I'm pretty good. All the ladies in the crowd hate you right now. I love it. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. Oh my goodness. Okay. Mr. Hip Hop, because your name is Mr. Hip Hop, I kind of believe you.

All right, Johnny, I want to see what kind of rap you can do. You want to tell these guys a fucking rhythm or a beat or something or whatever, or they'll just give you something. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I thought he was a lesbian. He's a gay boy. Look how he claps.

Oh, shit. Here we go. Here's Mr. Yo, kill Tony. I'm a kill Tony. Jay-Z calls me big homie. You can't control me. The truth is known by me solely.

Get below me and blow me. Holy cannoli. Yo, I'ma be the flow king. You can be the slow dweeb, retard, mongoloid, knees knocking forward. Ain't got a choice in voluntary shakings when I drop the pole. Don't even got to say him. Know it's he that's hot as flames. It's solid.

That's a rocket shaker. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What's that? What's that? Jesus Christ. Hip Hop. Tony, you know what we have to have? We have to have the band.

You guys ever play Guitar Hero when you start fucking up and this song starts to like, we got to have the band start doing that. Like, if they, they, they like fuck up. No, no, no. I like it to go until. The thing is, you, you pissed off all the women. Yeah. Because she could, this whole time she looked at you like, eww.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean, I didn't mean to offend anybody. Don't be sorry. Be, be you. All right. What's that like?

What's, what's something we would, what's something we would find interesting about you, Johnny? You know. Screen printing. But what else do you do? What do you do for fun? Oh, that's about it, man. I don't know.

Nothing. Did you drive here from San Antonio? I did. What kind of car do you have? I got a four-runner. So I had a four-runner. 2003. Oh, okay.

2003. Balling. All the control. I love it. And what did you listen to on the way here? Nothing. Nothing. Just silence.

A young school shooter on the rise. My favorite thing in the world, Tony, silence. No sweeter sound than silence and my own laugh mixed in sometimes. Mr. Hip Hop. Very, very interesting. Any childhood trauma that you had to deal with? I know that I can remember. None that you can remember?

No. Is there any that you forgot? I think there's a strong chance, yeah. Probably something buried deep down there. Mr. Hip Hop, you have graced us with your presence. You have reinforced the fact that any time I do one more bucket pull after something great happens, it never works. Historically, in this show's history, you could go hundreds of episodes and you will

find that. Can you catch? Yeah. Something other than monkeypox? Thank you. There he goes. Mr. Hip Hop, everybody. All right.

Another time that I shouldn't have gone to the bucket one more time. I should have gone to where we go now. Ladies and gentlemen, the longest standing regular in the show's history. Coming fresh off of a weekend, opening up for the first time for Tom Segura. He opens for Joe Rogan, me, Duncan Trussell, the big red machine, William, lights out Montgomery. God, who the fuck was that piece of shit? It was just separate. I met someone recently from the Blue Man group and I can't stop thinking, was that

really him? I mean, how are you supposed to know? It's kind of like not a lot of people know, but Gene Simmons from Kiss has been dead for 10 years, but nobody has a clue because he wears that stupid ass makeup. I fucking hate Gene Simmons. I swear to God, I can't stand fucking with his stupid ass fucking makeup. What an idiot. Okay.

Oxford's new word of the year was decided by the public for the first time and the votes are in goblin mode. For those who don't know what goblin mode is, I'll tell you. It means I put on my Sunday's best, set up a dinner date with your mom or dad, and after dinner, I gobble up that asshole. I think that's what it means, goblin mode, gobble mode. I don't know. If I sound a little under the weather, y'all are very correct.

I actually went to a super spreader event on Saturday at a casino. Bono was there. He was the one coughing in everybody's mouth when we had to walk in the door. It was super exclusive, but yeah, I'm sick as shit right now, so I want to apologize for everybody who I've infected up in the green room. I greatly apologize. I'm sick as shit right now. All right.

That's my time. Thank you, Tony. All right. A new minute and 23 seconds. But the man who's done it more than anybody else in the show's history, another new set by William Montgomery. William, big weekend, this past weekend for you, and we're excited to find out all about it.

You opened. How many shows for Tom Segura? It was six shows with Segura. I know it was great. I bet fucking the dude from Kiss couldn't do that. A piece of shit. Gene Simmons, he probably couldn't fucking do that. I don't know what you have against Gene Simmons.

Do you know that he performed on the very stage that you're on just a few weeks ago here at Vulcan Gas Company? There's no way it was him. That's literally not really Gene Simmons. That's what I literally lost $1,000 in a bet because I didn't think he was going to perform here either. I literally bet the owner of the club $1,000 when he told me that Kiss was going to be performing here and I had to pay him, you guessed it, $1,000 because he literally performed

here. But I was on your side in the beginning. Wait, Gene Simmons is alive? Yes. Andy was here and he's probably making the same jokes about you right now somewhere. That piece of shit is actually still alive. I swear to God, I thought he died in a car crash like 10 years ago. No.

Okay. No. No. But yeah, the shows were great. The first theater was like 3,000 people fucking destroyed in front of 3,000 people, those shows. I didn't. Tom did.

I was bombing really hard the whole time. No, it was great. The second night, I don't know, 2,500 people each show and then the last one, 1,000. It was great. The second show was in a casino and one of the tribal chiefs, the main tribal chief was at the front row and I was talking shit about him, talking about his dick-sucking mouth. When he opened up his mouth, I could smell the dick smell coming out of it. That was a recurring theme when I was going after people in the audiences during those

shows that I could smell the dick smell emanating from their mouth and then I'm literally walking off the stage and Tom is laughing really hard and I'm like, what's going on? He's like, dude, that's a tribal chief. That was pretty funny. That honestly was pretty funny. I was like, holy shit. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah, that was pretty good.

That night played some weird version of Blackjack and it's probably the only time that people at the casino were telling me how to play. We were at like some private table and they were telling me how to play. I ended up winning $10,000. Wow. No, I'm kidding. I didn't. I won 200, but it was fun.

Oh, there you go. That's basically $10,000. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you're out there. You're traveling. You guys traveling by bus when you're out there?

The plane and then from the place Friday to Saturday bus, I slept on the bus for five hours. I had a good five hour long nap. That was your first time on a big tour bus like that was? It was. It was very cool. Very cool stuff. I loved it.

What are you about to say dumbass? What's your weird... He's got a red mask, he's the microphone up to his mouth. I'm finally having a nice fucking conversation up here. I'm literally sick as shit right now and I see your dumbass about to fucking say something. Was it weird sleeping on a bus? Like I've never done that either like sleeping on a bus. That seems weird.

You know? No. It wasn't that weird. I... No. What do you mean it's weird? I mean, you're like moving but laying down and you trust that bus isn't going to blow up.

There you go. All right. There was Red Band's full question there. You want to give it a... I was a little worried. I was going to say something about the movie speed. I'm going to stop. Something about the bus going under 50.

No. It was totally fun. Why didn't you just say it? Why don't we take it from the top? And you say it. Why don't you go ahead? Was it weird sleeping with no clothes on and everyone's walking around and you're... Why don't you just ask the same question you asked before?

Was it weird sleeping on a bus? Because I always thought like laying down on a bus. That's weird. You already got the main question out. Just send it after the question. Was it weird sleeping on the bus? Was it weird sleeping on a bus? No.

Not really other than the fact that a bomb maker got on the bus before we took off and I was like, Tom, who's this guy? Do you know this guy? I mean, he looks like a bomb making type of guy and he's like, no, who is that? And I said, I don't know, Tom. And I was like, do you know this guy? Who is this guy? And Tom's like, I don't even know.

But yeah, he ended up installing a bomb on the bottom of the tour bus that was set to go off if it went under 50 miles an hour. I was just trying to maybe say something to make you two bitches laugh. Y'all have been fucking only giving me blank stares. I'm literally sick as shit right now. Wow. Everybody's going after the ladies tonight. I don't know what's going on.

This is a very fucking, uh, oh, a little wink. Oh, shit. He's winning them back. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. He's doing seriously. What's your story? What is he doing?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You see doing crowd work right now with one of the. Oh, there's that's a cute couple right here. I'm loving y'all. Why don't you do some crowd work on them? William, do some of your magical crowd work. I don't know.

They look like a couple of packets. Oh, wow. Wow. And sweet miss Amy. Oh, looking as insane as ever over there. There she is. Behaving herself, staying in one seat, doing everything. It took a long time to get her there, but uh.

Miss Amy. Oh, actually got with Gene Simmons in the 80s. She told me that story one time. Oh, wow. Okay. You're opening up a real. Yeah, I just stopped. Yeah, I stopped looking over there.

Okay. There you go. I was thinking about it. Now you told us last week that you've been doing a lot of reading. Is there a reason why you're dressed like a retired author right now? What's going on? This is a new turtleneck. You look like a giant elf on the shelf right now.

Well, during Cyber Monday lands in had a wonderful hell of a Cyber Monday deal. I got three different turtlenecks and navy blue, a white and a green. And I'm wearing my forest green out tonight. Yeah, lands in Cyber Monday strikes again and the Montgomery household. I now have three of these. You love you love Cyber Monday. I fucking love Cyber Monday. Even though I'm sick as shit right now, I want to tell you people that Cyber Monday

literally is the best fucking holiday ever, ever. That's as much as I can. Yeah, I feel like I'm going to die right now. What do you think is wrong with you? Did you get an ailment? What are your symptoms right now? I don't know. Ballsy for you to show up fully infected with something when so many of us have so much

work to do on the road. These people in the front row already look like they're sick, so it's okay. They already had to deal with. God, she was giving me a weird fucking look. What's your fucking deal? Oh, wow. This girl is giving you a very flirtatious look. I just saw that.

She's here with her man. Get your bitch in line, dude. Damn. Get your bitch in line, dude. I'm curious. These guys look like swingers, dude. This couple here is... This couple here is swingers.

Yeah, do you want to meet up after this? I was looking at you and I was thinking maybe... I'm not. It's probably not contagious. You'll probably don't need to worry about that. William, if you were to have a threesome with this couple here, what do you think you would spend a lot of your time doing? What would be your move?

I think both of y'all would be taking off your clothes at the same time. And I would say, I, Karumba, and you, the lady, would be like, Oh my gosh, thank you. And I'd look at you and I'd say, No, I'm talking about your man. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Stupid.

Oh my god. But yeah, maybe after we can meet up, seriously. I'm not even fucking around. I'm feeling really antsy tonight. Wow. Wow. Super antsy tonight. And give us some of your symptoms.

We've never seen you sick before. You are known as the Big Red Machine, so you still showed up to work full effect. But give us, tell these humans what type of symptoms you're working with right now. I have the measles and the mumps, a gash, a rash, and purple bumps. What? My eyes are glazed. I can't count to three.

I don't know. It's a wonderful Shel Silverstein poem. That would have been cool if I could say. William, I love it. We got to find out about your weekend with Tom Segura. You got that on this show. We watch you go from zero to 100. You're opening for me.

It's been a wonderful pleasure. If I'm on cameo, I literally, I'm not kidding. I feel like horrible. I feel awful right now, and I have to do fucking 70 cameos. So cameos be wonderful. Keep getting the cameos, but I don't know what's going to happen. It's a lot of them I have to do. I'm literally, I feel overwhelmed right now.

So I'm going to have to go do that. Joe Rogan's opener, Duncan Trussell's opener, and now Tom Segura's opener. You got to watch him grow up here on Kill Tony. Professional stand-up comedian, William Montgomery, everybody. The drawing is in from Ryan J. Ebel. That's another episode of Kill Tony. Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? How about one more time for my amazing guest, Brian Simpson?

Check out his podcast, B.S. with Brian Simpson, and short, wide neck tour at BrianSimpsonComedy.com. Thank you to the Yellow Rose, the Red Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka, Gel Blaster, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. How about one more time for the band? Michael Gonzalez, John Dees, D. Madness, Matt Mueling, and Paul Deemer on the horns. We did it again. Thank you guys so much.

We love you. We'll see you again next week. Bye! Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night, everybody! Thank you.