KILL TONY - #589 - RON WHITE

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

Ron White, Michael Lehrer. Paul Deemer, D Madness, David Lucas, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/12/2022

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Donnie H. Clare. You guys ready for a great fucking Monday night or what, huh? Ah, make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best

strip clubs on planet Earth, just so happen to be here in Austin, Texas. Same with vodka, deep Eddie vodka, the best. I can't get enough of it, drink it all the time and gel blaster available in stores all around the country. Have fun blasting your friends with little beads of gel. So fun. This is Kill Tony, live in Austin, Texas. How about a hand for the goddamn band, huh?

You guys see what the fuck goes on here before this show starts. Brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey. Take that fucking thing off your head right now, John Dees. I swear to God, you ever try some shit like that again? He's got some stuff coming out, but the openings at a place that we don't mention, get the fuck out of here. That's the great John Dees on the keys, everybody. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

This is Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, Paul Deemer on the horns. And that right down the middle there, that's the one and only D madness, everybody, live in the flesh, goddamn backbone of the show would never in a million years come in here and promote a club that we don't like. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight before we start tonight's episode. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The fuck?

Ho, ho. Hello, friends. It's me, Santa. I come here and gifts. Do you people normally stay up this late or drop the bag and get your ass back up that chimney? Get my ass back up that chimney. What the fuck are you in my house?

This isn't your house. My friends, there's something inside that you don't understand. It's Christmas spirit. What there's something you don't understand about this 45, we're in Texas and I'm about to fill you with some holiday cheer, nigga. Ho, ho, hold on. Nobody calls Santa that word. What word, nigga?

Nobody calls Santa the n-word. What are you even thinking? Get your little snow nigga. Rain deer wringlin', jingle bell jinglin', ass up out of my house. I'm not leaving. Drop the bag. I have gifts and I brought my friend. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! What the fuck? Is that a little Mexican? I'm from the North Pole, bitch, represent. Well call me a bitch one more time and I'll make your ass one of these Christmas ornaments. How about that shit?

You want to be a Christmas tree topper? Huh? Drop the bag. Drop the bag. His name is Rodolfo. He's... No, no, no, no, no. The gold sack.

Drop it. Okay. Well I have gifts for y'all. I'm going to leave these right here. I hope y'all like gel blasters. Well I'm about to blast your ass. Get up that chimney, bro. What the?

By the way, do y'all have any cocaine? Man, hell no, man. I smoke weed and drink Hennessy. I have to be in El Paso in like 20 minutes. I need cocaine. I don't know. Okay, fine. I guess that's my time.

Thank you, goodnight. Oh, wow. I guess Santa ain't a bitch ass after all. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You guys got to do better than that. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? You're at one of the special ones. Good for you.

You did good here tonight. This is the man that convinced me to move to Austin, Texas, a real Texan from Texas, one of the greatest comedians of all time, Ron White. Yes. Whoo. The one and the only. The fucking best God damn it, it never gets old. I'm just going to lay my head down and take a nap.

Thank you so much. You guys are so sweet, man. Thank you, Ron. You know how this shit works. I sure do. A million times, fucking a bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of these names out, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I thought you were going to do that. I'm hoping you're doing that. No, no. I just want to do the little one. Hell yeah.

That just interrupts people after their time is up and then I interview them. We talk to them. Maybe they'll get some insight from the great Ron White, some feedback from him. You guys know how it works. The whole thing's improvised. We don't know what's going to happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show? When I say we don't know what's going to happen, I mean of course during and after

the sets, but sometimes we are privileged enough to have a special treat in certain spots that I know of and this is one of those moments. Kicking off tonight's show, one of the great regulars of the history of the show. This man made it to the absolute top of the improv scene in Chicago. Basically told SNL to go fuck themselves. He's a legend. He's written about in history books of improv. He was diagnosed with ALS and decided to chase his dream of being a stand-up comedian

rolled into the comedy store December of 2019. We immediately made him a regular. He has since then obviously with his disease gotten sicker and come back and gotten sicker and come back. We are so fucking lucky that he's here to perform for us tonight. Kicking off the show. Kill Tony regular, Michael Lair. One more time for the great fucking Michael Lair everybody.

10th this season for a friend's gaming, when those unable to meet with their family, 1 and 9 with buddies unless you're disabled because me and my wheelchair are like inviting our primates to find your Christmas party. I need you on a plug, everything in your bathroom. I need all the plugs to charge my chair or I won't make it to pumpkin pie. Before we say grace, before we say grace, I need everyone this time and do not rest until 10-4. I can't, the turkey isn't the only thing that gets stuffed.

I can't eat solid foods, but I must be a friend. The amyrochromes that cover me leave me open to attacks from Austin's homeless like I have seen from the walking man. For the potluck I brought a ramp, it was either that or tuna casserole. I've seen my mess of life stink and velcro clothing for holiday gatherings, anything nice stained by a diamond and new or liquid morphine. When the night draws to a close, as everyone stares at their feet towards one driving me home like a Christmas miracle, I get locked outside while freezing to death, falling

point out of my misery. Thank you. I love the whole thing, little awkward ending there, I like it. That said, it's probably exactly how your life is going to end as well. All fun and then a little bit of fun. Didn't see that coming. I love it. Hell yeah.

The great Ron White, giving a helping hand, absolutely. That's it, Michael Lair's leaving, no interview necessary, demand the myth of legend, make some noise for Michael Lair, everybody. How about a hand for the crew, Ron White, huh? We have another special treat before we get to this bucket, comedians, how you guys doing back there tonight? All right, well be patient, we're going to get another regular up here right now. I wanted to spice things up a little bit, front load the show with chaos.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next regular is the longest standing regular in the history of the show. He's currently making, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not how show business works. Get all the way back, all the way back to A, all the way back to A. There you go. Your next comedian, the longest standing regular in the history of the show. This guy's making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on cameo right now. He's the big red machine, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis strangler, the great William Montgomery.

Another World Cup soccer journalist has died, but at this point I'm sure he isn't just flopping. Biden and Russia have just completed a very festive prisoner swap right in time for the holiday season. Biden released an arms dealer nicknamed the Merchant of Death who is responsible for deaths of thousands of American soldiers in exchange for WNBA player Brittany Griner. It's pretty obvious why Biden traded for Griner because she checks off three very important boxes in the current political climate, tall, check, like cereal, check, enjoys music, check.

Those aren't really the fucking reasons you idiot, I mean, holy shit, don't have to spell it out for you. I was watching the prices right earlier and I couldn't believe the prices for one of the showcases, a home gym, Kate Spade accessories, and a new Apex twin album. Okay, that's my time, wow, William Montgomery fucking rock and a rolling coming up with a lot of energy. Very excited to hit the stage tonight. I know I'm so sorry I was too busy touching that sweet man's beautiful face and I didn't

think about I shouldn't have come up so quickly. So who the fuck are you man? Why'd you fuck that up for me so bad? That guy, I'm pretty sure that's Russell Crowe, William. I wouldn't fuck with this guy at all. That is Russell Crowe, I think, holy shit. Hello Russell. There he is, live in the flesh.

Very cool. So William, what's been going on? How do you feel? Feeling really good. Did those four shows with you in Arlington this past weekend, had a wonderful time. So Ron, I think you'll be very excited to know, I literally, I wasn't going to talk about this again, but I killed fucking three Brazilians. When I was in Arlington, so Ron, you might like to hear that, I know you have a thing

with Brazilians, but... Wait, what? I'm kidding, I have no idea, Ron, I was just trying to suck you into that, I apologize. Sorry. But yeah, no, it was fun doing that, I just downloaded a new Need for Speed game, I just added a new engine to my Honda earlier. So things are really looking up, my Honda's fast as shit, I'm hitting 155 consistently right now.

So... Wow. That's what I'm going to be doing right after until probably six in the morning tonight, take some Adderall and play Need for Speed Unleashed. You bought a video game where you can have any car you want, you went with a Honda? Yeah, it's a nice teal color, I've upgraded the tires, I've upgraded the suspension system, I added the new engine and today, again, I'm topping out at 155 right now. You've been on the show more than anybody else ever, ever, in the history, almost ten

years of doing this show, all around the world and every single Monday at its home base. And I've never asked you, what kind of car do you have in real life? What would... I mean, we all picture you in like a fire truck or something like that. I have a black Volvo, do you want me to give you the license plate number as well? No, hell no. Yeah, black Volvo, I've had a black Volvo since 2012, what fucking idiot just laughed at that, like a little bitch.

Why was that so fucking funny? What dumb ass did that? Seriously, raise your hand, I'm not going to tell you to get out, but just who did that? Okay, thanks a lot, you fucking piece of shit. William is a wild man, Ron, you've been watching William grow in this... He rides a Vespa, I saw him pull up on it later today, later today, I saw him pull up it later today, yeah. It's a teal Vespa, you're right, it's brilliant.

We love you William, you're an absolute fucking rock star, you destroyed at four sold out shows in Arlington with me, you just got, we got the reports back, you did theaters with the great Tom Segura the weekend before, good work. I know, it's all positive and you all please keep on getting these cameos, even though I literally have fucking 70 to do right now, so they're really, really backing up on me, I try to do fucking like 20 or 30 a day, so please, if you want to get one please. The fun fact for you is that William literally drove here with his girlfriend early May of 2021, when he hit the road everything was fine, he finds out a few hours into the trip

that literally they're trying to cancel my entire career in life, and he came here, he was a full blown alcoholic cocaine addict, I found the cocaine guy right when I fucking moved here, I literally found the blow guy right when I fucking moved here, the people from Toronto already have an Austin cocaine guy, it happens quick, it's not that hard. This guy kept driving all the way to Texas, drunk, on blow, on Adderall, and fucking now is sober, and has me, Duncan, Rogan, and Sigur all fighting to have him open for us. What a fucking success story, yeah it's been wonderful, that is a success story, and that was the great William Montgomery everybody, there he goes, you look great brother.

Let's go, it's fucking bucket time, this is where shit gets crazy, we're gonna meet somebody right now together, anything can happen, the people that you've already seen, we fucking know, this is the part where shit gets a little bit wild, could be a future star, could be a complete failure, anything could happen, your first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Matt Decker, Matt Decker, kicking us off from the bucket tonight, live, we're all gonna meet him together, how's the balcony doing tonight, you guys get up there, give it up, give it up, here comes Matt Decker, one more time for Matt everybody, oh shit, how's it going everybody, didn't think I'd be opening tonight, so when I was nine years

old I saw something I never forget, lived in the hood up north in Wisconsin, and these two black guys were arguing right in the middle of the street, just a little kid looking outside the windows being nosy, and they literally whipped out his dick, mid conversation in the middle of the argument, and just started pissing right in the middle of the, right in the middle argument, and I never forget it, and looking back I wish I had the confidence to do that because that's a fucking power move right there, like just being able to do that, and the other guy didn't know what to do, so I mean like it's definitely a conversation I do, like that's something I never forget, that's my time, wow, you had an extra 15 seconds

there to do something, and I've never seen a boxer stop his own match like that before, I like to give you a little piece of advice here, what ever you're talking to a microphone talk right into the microphone there, you kind of lift it away from it, but even if you had talked into the microphone, you didn't have anything to say when you got up here, and that needs to be part of your plan, you need to be set up, punchline, something funny, I mean I wish I had something better to say, I thought I had some plan until I got up there, I gotta keep the legs moving because I've never, I don't think I have legs right now, I'm just doing my own little vibration there, you nervous? Yes, I've been here, this is my

fifth time coming, first time ever doing comedy, and I didn't expect Ron White to be here, there's no way to know, I never announce who the guests are, literally nobody expected Ron White to be here tonight, Ron White didn't know he was gonna be here tonight, until about 3 or 4 p.m. this afternoon, I grew up with this guy and it's awesome to see you dude, it's crazy, he's a big fan of Game of Thrones, so to see a Dothraki live in the flesh is very exciting, we love how you guys ride horses and swing curb swords, so very exciting, I didn't know they came in the version of 5'4", but that's very exciting, 5'9", just you know, I love it, I love it, let's talk about it Matt, so this is your first time doing stand-up comedy ever? Yes sir,

first time even touching a mic, congratulations, very good, right, you're ridiculously bad with the microphone, but here's what you ought to do, on your way to do a set next time, stop at the convenience store and just tell them the joke, and if nobody laughs at it... Man, I gotta be honest, like it's, I'm glad I bombed my first time, because I've told the story, people have laughed, but it's like, it's trying to, trying to put into one minute, you know, what do you say, what don't you say, the dick has already been seen, now that's how you want to talk about it, you know? Well the hard part is to get up here and you did that and then you're learning some mic skills, so you write a joke, you're on your way buddy. Yeah, I wanted to kill Tony for my first

time, and I know there's a couple of, like a couple of open mics you can do, so I'm gonna start doing those now too, but it's good to know this is my first time. Yeah, you should have, you should have maybe done those first. Oh, hey, if I'm gonna get bombed. And then come and been seen as a ramp. Use it as a ramp. Yeah. And I'm gonna bomb, like I would love to get roasted by the best, so I mean, like might as well, like you know. I guess so, but you don't really deserve it yet. Oh, yeah, no. You kind of have to earn to get roasted by the best, so you just sort of want to be a paper lottery, and you're like. That was just regular suck, dude. That was regular suck. I'm not gonna argue at all. You deserve to get roasted by the worst is what you mean

right now. At this point in your career. I'll get roasted by anybody. You need a homeless guy to tell you that shit ain't funny, Holmes. It's actually my favorite thing to do when I come to Austin is homeless watch. Thank you, Matt. Very good. Another thing that's not funny. Very good. Matt, stop talking. Stop talking. Yes, sir. That'd be a great premise for your next joke, man. I bought the right to say it. That's good. Matt, what do you do for work? I'm a security officer. I work at a fucking chicken rendering plant where they just slaughter chickens. It's the worst smell I've ever smelled my life. What are you securing it from? Literally, I have not seen a single fucking person drive by. There's nine hogs out there

that I have ran off since I've been there. Are you keeping an eye on the chickens? They're all dead. It's pretty easy. Is your job to make sure that none of the chickens cross the road? They already did. And that's how they died. Very good. Matt, you can take funny stuff and really like stomp it out like a fire. It's almost incredible. Like I just said something funny and you're like, you have like a fire extinguisher of unfunny that you can spray. You're like a dragon. You're like an icy dragon. Like it took out a big black dick and just pissed all over the... I'm honestly like just incredibly nervous. I didn't expect to open, especially. You're not opening either. Michael and William both came up here and got lapsed.

The next guy has to be John. You're literally third. You're in the most prime position to do good. You got more excuses than you got jokes, my friend. We understood every word you said and it didn't help. Why couldn't it be Matt with months to live? Somehow you're shaking up here and the guy that has had ALS for four years wasn't. Explain yourself, Matt Becker. And he went up first. He opened the show. He didn't say anything about having to open the show. He asked to open the show. He asked me. He asked me for that hard spot. And then here you are going up there. Well, I didn't know. I'd be opening the show. I also didn't know Ron White would be here. The lights are brighter than I

thought they would be. Thank you. That's my time. Fuck the lights. The fuck on a rock and roll show is this? Jesus Christ, Matt Decker. But you gave it a shot. That's what these little joke books are for. Literally says the bones. I even put nice try on the back. He literally these just get better and better every week. If you guys aren't getting these, going to bones eyes Instagram and buying them straight from the source. I appreciate the opportunity. I'll come back. I'll be better, man. Well, I hope so, Matt Decker. Awesome to see you, Mr. White. There you go. Absolutely. There he goes. Matt Decker, everybody. See what I'm talking about? This shit is not easy at all. Back to the bottom. It's not that hard,

but it's not easy. It's not that hard, Ron. Well, boy, did he make it look that way. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ashley Sharp. Here we go. Ashley Sharp. All right. Here comes Ashley Sharp. Somewhere anywhere. Where the fuck are they coming from? Ashley Sharp. They're probably scared as fuck to come on stage now. Sometimes they're up on the balcony. We got any movement? Is this Ashley? Ashley Sharp. Oh, that's not Ashley Sharp. That's just some guy. Is this really Ashley Sharp? Are you Ashley Sharp? Nope. Nope. On your right. I swear to God, I'm Ashley Sharp. Okay. Ashley Sharp, everybody. Put your hands together for Ashley. Sorry. I know you guys respect some little white girl to come Cartwin out of here.

Pompons and pigtails and some shit. Your brother come up and you're like, what the fuck is this shit? I got this name from my mom, bless her heart. We have a lovely relationship. She got my name from Gone with the Wind. Yeah, yeah. I know. Crazy as fuck. Gone with the Wind. My mother grew up directly in the hood and was watching this shit. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna name my child after this. This is a good idea. Nothing wrong could happen from that. Gone with the fucking wind. I've only seen this woman watch like BET, like black exploitation movies and fucking lifetime. You guys love that shit. I don't know why you guys love lifetime. I was always getting your ass kicked on there or abused in some way. I'm like, what the fuck, man? It's like me watching

slavery movies, 24 seven and shit. Like, yeah, I love this shit. Get cuta. Get them. Like, what the fuck? You know what Gone with the Wind is? It's like the white people version of Roots. It's like long as fuck. It makes you wish your ass has made better decisions. Like, I don't know what the fuck. It's just stinking. I could have been named Shaft or something cool like that. There you go. Doing his time and then some Ashley Sharp, everybody. Hi, Ashley. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show. Let me say right off from the bat, you are one of the funniest anchama bottles I've ever seen in my entire life. Absolutely incredible. Thank you. Thank you. That's the power pancakes that can make people actually remember black people. See how he tags the funny

thing and goes longer with it? Matt Decker, take notes. That's how it's done. It was his first time. I thought that was weird as fuck though. He's like, yeah, first time going on kill Tony. I'm going to do it. It's a ballsy move. It's very ballsy. Yeah, it doesn't really make any sense, but you got to respect it. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand up, Ashley? Like off and on for like last two or three years. Last two or three years. What else are you doing when you're not doing stand up? You seem like a guy that has some fucking hobbies. I don't know, like a server at, oh shit, I gotta give a shout out to Pallones. That's the text restaurant I work at. Okay. All right. I don't think it's a red river. You guys come there. I'll be there. Give me money.

Okay. That's an interesting plug. Negro fund. I know I always go to sixth street for my Tex-Mex. Does it just come out like diarrhea or does you have to wait and make it yourself? Second stage. Yeah, you got it. Right. I love it. I love it, Ashley. How long you been in Austin? My whole life. Born and raised here. Look at that. I love it. One of the last Austin embassies. I love it. What do you love about this city? It's like a, it's like a small town vibe, but it's still kind of a big ish city, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. What do you like to do for fun when you go out, when you're not working? When I'm not getting fucked up or doing comedy. I'm hanging out with my friends, playing pool and shit. Playing pool and shit. You get fucked up

a lot? Not a lot, but occasionally. I try to make a proportionate to how hard I worked. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I worked my ass off that week and I feel like two days off, I'm getting fucked up. You're goddamn right. Absolutely. Yeah. I've earned this fucked up in this. Yep. Yep. I too am an alcoholic. I understand what you're saying. So let's talk about it. When you get fucked up, like what type of shit do you get into around town? Like you just sit around in your living room and get fucked up with friends? Like there must be something you like to do? Well, we play video games and shit. Go out and play pool, like I said. Come up with weird ass shit. I remember one time we got fucked up. It was me and my ex-girlfriend and we decided to

play like we were Africans who couldn't speak English and we were running around downtown and just kind of fucking with people and shit. Wait, you pretended like you were Africans? Yeah. Yeah. We could speak English. That's funny. I love to do that too. I do that a lot. Thank you. Can we see some of your African impression? Can you do it for us? We got you good with that one. That was on the sound board. That wasn't him. I know that was believable. You're like, wow, he sounds great. I want to line cake somebody's kid though. You know, just kind of whatever when they're born. What does that mean? Red band nailing it. The band is trying to play some African music for you,

which they can do because they are indeed some of them African. I notice that Matt Mueling is taking a break right now. There's no real lead electric in the African music industry. I don't know if you guys know that, but... You going to do something? No, I'm not. We're waiting on you, buddy. Come on. I wonder if you black people that can't rap or do anything cool. Sorry, all I got is jokes. Hell yeah. No, I love it. We could tell you're a black guy from Austin. That makes sense. That makes sense. Well, Tony, I like to play video games and get fucked up with my friends. I like a little bit of billiards and waiting tables at the Tex-Mex place right next door. D's sees what I'm talking about right now. I mean, fucking D madness. I never realized D's and D

madness. There's a lot of fucking... Double D's. Took me two years to realize that. Anyway, what the fuck? What's your love life like? Decent-ish. Honestly, I seem to be attracted to strange more than anything else. Decent-ish. Decent-ish. I'm going to go a little bit harder in this direction. I'm going to sail into the wind here. What exactly do you mean? Like, what's your... You hooking up with girls? Like, what's going on out there? I usually average at least like two of us a week or something. Whoa. Holy shit. Calm down. It's not that bad. It's just like when chicks are drunk, I look like I go from a seven to a 10. That's how it works. Right, right, right. You think you're a seven? I don't think that... I don't think the outfit's helping.

I don't think the outfit's helping, dude. Oh, no, no. This is my broke ass shit. I love it. Well, you're a real comedian. You fucking came up here. You did it. You rolled with the punches. Great interview. You're a fucking present performer. You're the type of guy that we love on this show. Congratulations. Ashley Sharp, everybody. Nice job, Ashley. This is a big joke book, man. Handmade leather. Have one of these. There he goes. The great Ashley Sharp, everyone, making his Kill Tony debut. All right, let's get another regular up here. This guy famous for his unbelievable writing, unbelievable roasting. This guy also had an amazing weekend with me in Arlington, Texas. Make some noise for one of the greats, David Lucas,

everybody. Here he is. Come on, David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Party five. I don't think being a gay man is sustainable long term. Like, that shit might be cool in your 20s, 30s, early 40s, but when the Rectile dysfunction hit in, y'all niggas just roommates. For real. Like, a Rectile dysfunction will fuck up a whole gay situation shit. You know what I'm saying? Like, a Rectile dysfunction ain't shit in a gay relationship because you can gummy worm your dick into a pussy. But you ain't gummy

worm in no dick in no asshole. I'll give you 10,000 love fuckers. That's my time. Thank you. Amazing. Amazing. Did it again. Yeah. Unbelievable. You're so fucking funny, David Lucas. Give it up for David one more time, man. Great comic. One of my favorite hangs. Not easy to do at all and you make it look easy every single week. You make looking gay easy too. Oh, come on. How dare you. Hey, when, when Britney Griner got released from prison, Tony flew to Arizona to get his pussy ate. Britney Griner ain't your pussy like an inmate's last meal on death row. My pussy's the only thing you have in eight. You look like your fucking pussy smell like an in and out burger.

What? I look like my pussy smell like an in and out burger. Something pussy got that meaty smell, you know, with onions and shit. Oh my goodness. Especially them thick girls. They be meaty. They smell like meat. Oh my goodness. But you skinny. You let all that air get in between your legs. That's right. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like a super soaker. Something like that. Red Band, can you make it a little less of a big deal? A fucking can of beer. You have to bump the host. Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. David, I love it. Yeah, fucking. You come up here, you insult me. Insult is also how David likes all of his food prepared. So extra sodium. This guy came up here dropping his vape instead of dropping the weight.

Tony, you got a refrigerator full of cucumbers, nigga. Your ass. Cute cucumbers. You can't not only do you not eat cucumbers, you can't even say cucumber. He doesn't know how to say healthy foods. Tony up here. Tony up here taking his vitamins. Get your ass. Tony's Tony's up here eating an adequate amount of grugger grains. Unbelievable. We have fun. We do this all the time. You ready for Christmas? Oh yeah, you know me. I'm going to sit on top of that tree. I know where you're going, you son of a bitch. You don't need no tree stand. You put the tree right in your ass. You just see Tony laying down on somebody living

room floor with a tree coming out. Splendors all in his booty cheeks. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. You got to get water two times a day. Oh my god. You suck that moisture out of that ass. You're going to leave Santa some fucking cookie crumbs. You're going to squeeze one of your titties, give him some milk. You asked Santa that he want to use a restroom before he left your house. Let me say you put your pants down, Santa. I'm bringing in one of my patriot racist friends to help me here. Look at him. Look at his nickname, Powder. If you were white, white powder. I love it. What's your favorite part of the Christmas time? What do you love? What traditions

do you love? It's going to be some sentimental shit, but you're going to roast it. I don't even know. Go ahead. Now go ahead. Let's talk about it. All right. So when I was a kid, Christmas time was the only time I got to see all the family because they was in the military and lived in other places. Yeah, sure. They was in the military. Yeah, all of his black relatives just out there fighting for our service. Tony, what's a kid? What's a what? Red bag? You don't test us all today? What's going on? What's happened? I was just saying when I was a kid, I was funny. Oh, all right. Jesus Christ. Hell yeah. Absolutely. All right. I'm sorry, man. Thank you. It really sucks when you say something and somebody dissects it so you're telling the

joke. We didn't know what you were saying. The kid. I said it three times. I know, but we didn't know what you were saying. We thought you were saying. I know. I didn't know what he was saying. That's what I'm talking about. We're still talking about the thing that you said that derailed the momentum of the comedy show. So why don't we just keep it moving here? I fucking love it. So when you were a kid, I heard your mama wrapped up some manhood one year and gave it to you. Wait, me? Manhood. What the fuck? Because you're a girl. Oh, you son of a bitch. Tony got a training bra when he was 13. When did you get yours? This motherfucker got his when he was 33 is these free range.

You're a wild boy. You're a wild boy. Yeah. Well, we know you're going to Brazil for that BBL. Wait a second. Wait a second. You're gonna have to fly back on the plane on your knees. A BBM. BBL. Oh, Brazilian booty left. Oh, wow. I thought that was bacon, bacon, and lettuce. I always think you're talking about food. You're going to change kill Tony in the drill, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. You can host your own version called Phil Tony. It's where you just eat the cum bucket of destiny. His is going to be a KFC bucket. Your next comedian is one of the breast.

If Tony had his way, every man that did good on the show would get an ass pat when they do. Good game. Good game. I could do that from anywhere and get yours. Look at this. I can Good game, David. Good game. Shut your clipboard booty. Flat booty. What the fuck? How dare you? That one hurts the most. David, I fucking love you. We have so much fun all the time. The man is an unbelievable comedian. Not easy to write real material every single week. This fucking guy does it. Unbelievable. Should we go back to this bucket? All right. Fucking mix it up. Let's get something going here.

Zack Black. Zack Black. Here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen, making his way to the stage. This is Zack Black. What's up, Vulcan? I just went to my first rodeo here in Texas and this hot girl on a horse said hi to me. So now I've been jerking off the videos of women riding horses. You ever seen a woman ride a horse? My God. I don't know how they get the horse to land. It's back like that. But it brings a whole new meaning to reverse cowgirl.

And I jerk off over the toilet. I don't know how you guys do it. I don't want my dog to see me. But I put on my assless chaps. I straddle the toilet. I put the plunger on the floor behind me. I sit down on that. A little reverse cowboy. And I see if I can hold on for eight seconds. That's actually not true. That girl never said hi to me. Anybody been to the rodeo? Anybody rode the mechanical bull at the rodeo? Okay, I should have stopped earlier. I'm done. Thank you. You're not going to do the rest of the bull thing? Jesus. Not quite the response I wanted. I came to talk to you people, not these three.

And nobody responded. Just kidding. Sorry. When you needed them to say that they rode a mechanical bull for the joke to work? Hey, maybe if I do the secret show again, maybe you'll hear the rest of that joke. No, I'm going to make sure you don't get it. Just for saying that. That's weird. Sorry. You fucked that up. That's not how that works or else everybody's just going to go, if I get the secret show, you know, nope. Sorry, Tony. But it was a great performance. That's the wild part. My question is why did it matter to you that they didn't respond to the mechanical bull part? I don't see why you didn't finish it.

You were doing great. You had everything. I was hoping some people would yell out, but they were dead silent. But you wanted them to yell out, yeah, I love the mechanic. Like, yeah. And then what would you have said? I have a couple different options. I like crowd work. I like to do crowd work. I'm not really a joke guy. You've got 60 fucking seconds, dude. Yeah. You're going to try to get some crowd rippin' going on?

My bad. You did a really good job. You came up here. You set the microphone to the stage. You said, how are you doing? Vulcan, which is a wasted move. You should just start doing the joke, right? And what you did. And it worked. And it actually had a place to go. And I thought it was really well thought out a plan. And then how you fucked that up. I don't know. You only had 60 seconds to get it going and then fuck it up. And then you wanted to do some crowd work. And you don't need it. My point in asking why you did that is because you don't need to do that.

We've covered this quite a few times on the show, but it's a real veteran comedy move to set up your bit and just go into it. You don't need their fucking approval. They probably all, everybody in this room has seen what you're talking about. You don't need them to agree that they know what a mechanical bull is or ridden a mechanical bull. You could have gone right into the thing. I want to know what it was. I want to know what you bailed out of. What are the two options? If the whole crowd went, yes, we love mechanical bulls. Tell us more. All in sync like that, like a fucking cult. What would you have done?

You really want to know? It's not going to be bad. All right, two options. So like if a girl would have said, yeah, I would have been, I would ask her how long she stayed on and said, that's how long I left on the plunger. If a guy would have said something, I've been like, one guy in the back going, I wrote the mechanical bull and then he went home and wrote a human bear. Yeah, it doesn't work. I didn't want, I did not want to do that. I did not want to do that. Red Band is in the zone on that sound board tonight. Very well played. Very well placed sad music. Shit. Okay. Well, you don't need that. You don't need that stuff. You have real jokes. I know, I know, I know what that's like too. I've seen it forever. People want

to do this crowd work thing and make it appear as though I magically came up with that. But in all reality, you were slamming these people for 50, 55 seconds and then all of a sudden you go into this thing and like, I think there's just a great lesson to be learned here. You know what I'm saying? Yes, I agree with you. I dropped the ball, Tony. But very, very extremely funny first fucking part of your set. You're from Buffalo, right? Yeah. You were hilarious last time you were on. I remember you well. Thank you. Yeah. So both sets are super solid. How long have you been doing it again? Four and a half years. Four and a half years. You've already got a tight 55 seconds. Wow, you're on your way, dude. It's on the Tonka, the Tonka.

I fucking love it. And you just moved here to Austin, right? Yeah. How long ago? About five weeks. Five weeks. And what are you finding out about this city? Oh, it's great. I already got myself a show that I'm hosting. It's called, or it's at a bar called AXIS ATX. Yeah. I'm finding out a lot about myself, Tony. Oh my goodness. Access ATX. You've been here five weeks. What have you been doing for fun? Tell us about your nightlife. The most fun I've been having here is that banana phone on Sundays at the creek in the cave. Okay. Yeah, that's literally never heard of this before. How many of you have

heard of this banana phone of the... Oh, you guys have heard of it? Oh, you've heard of it? Well, wait till you get the banana phone a yo-ho. See what I mean? Okay. Yeah, it's like a heckle mic and you get the yellow roast, which I like. You like roasts? Yes. Very good. Have you ever been on a roast or done a roast or roast somebody? No, I just signed up for roast battle, though. Okay. Who you going up against? Owen Gallivan. Okay. What's he... What are you gonna make fun of? Give us an example. Well, first of all, he looks like Tim Allen, that mug shot when he got arrested for cocaine. Okay. What's the joke part of it? Oh. That's more like a fun fact. You're making me do all my jokes. I'm saying for later, Tony. Oh, you're gonna save the good ones for later. A lot

like you did tonight during your set. I like that. No, I love it, Zach. You're a fucking... This is what it's all about. People moving here. You guarantee you're one of the funniest people coming out of Buffalo right now and you had a choice. A lot of people have to decide whether they're going to go to New York City or LA or Austin. And I'm convinced that a lot of the best talents moving here. And this is your first time seeing Zach Black, everybody. There you go, Zach Black. Thank you. Thank you for having me. This guy's good. He's good. I'm busting his balls, but he's good. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Angela Ramirez. Angela Ramirez is up next. You guys still having fun out there, huh?

Angela Ramirez is making her way to the stage. Here she comes, everybody. Make some noise for Angela, everybody. Hello. I'm Angela. Put my name in a hat on a whim. Did not know I would do this, but thank you, Title IX gods, for making me get up here because I was like the only girl over there, one of the only ones. That's kind of... And also like to thank affirmative action because I was one of the only Latinos, mi gente latino. But it's nice to be up here. This is like my third night out in Austin. I'm not from here. I'm from the middle of actual nowhere by Amarillo. And it's really nice to be out here. I'm a simple country girl and you know what they say, we make do. And I almost made do over there and peed in the corner because I've been holding it for like two

hours. And since I am Latino, I know how to pee standing up because you know whenever guys cheat on white girls, they make vague TikToks. Whenever guys cheat on black girls, they just listen to the new Sizz album. Whenever guys cheat on Latina as we piss on their fucking belongings. And we do it the old fashioned way. We drink half a bottle of Patron, a gallon of Mountain Dew, make sure you know right on the verge of kidney stones make it real, real hot. And then you get his work groups. Okay, there you go. That's her time. Angela Ramirez everybody. Okay, so welcome to the show. I'm gonna interview you now. Okay, hi. You don't know where you're at right now. You just signed up and stood in the corner. Yeah, it was supposed to be like my brother

and my uncle on here, you know, what they signed up to incredible and they brought you here. Yeah, dress like that. Oh my goodness. That is that is whoa. Shit. Jesus Christ. I don't know what's going on up here, but it's so good to be here. Hell yeah, you have the energies of a girl that is keyed all your ex boyfriend's cars. This girl is keyed a lot of souped up fucking Hondas. My goodness. Look at you. Wow. And you've never performed on a stage before. Nothing at all on a stage. No, nothing of any kind. I mean, I've been trying to get it out there near Amarillo, middle of nowhere, extra money to make maybe no one will recognize you from, I'm guessing, only elementary school you went to. Yeah. I'm just a simple country girl. I'm just a simple

country girl. You're a little old country girl. I love it. What do you do for work? I cut fruit for a living. You cut fruit for a living. Can we get some fucking Latino super music? Oh, not that sound. That's again, there you go. That's the right sound effect. That's so funny. You say that because they literally call me Maria or like they don't know my name. What? They don't call me by my name. They call me Maria. Like it's just they assumed my name is Maria. Right. Right. Because you are a Latino. I love it. So there's a long drive here tonight. You're up here performing. Yeah. I love it. How does it feel on this stage? I really like it. Right. Okay. Okay. What do you like to do for fun? Give us some of your hobbies. You're out there in the middle of nowhere. It seems like that

would be a place to really party it up. There's like country songs about near Amarillo and shit. I mean, what we do for fun is in the country songs. Go ahead. It's like I was talking about, you know, make and do. I've never used a corn stock for a dildo, but I have been poked in a pasture. Whoa. All right. I believe that was your quote on your senior in your yearbook. Incredible. Incredible. And what's your love life like? I'd imagine you're near Amarillo 10. You're at least the middle of nowhere nine. I know that. I was in Amarillo 10, but I have lived near Austin for like six months now and I'm a fucking five here. Yeah, we know. We know. That's why nobody laughed. We're like, yeah, and yes. We know. We know you're in Austin

five. Ego death for sure. We wouldn't even let you cut our fruit out here, dude. You know what I'm saying? I'd be like fucking give me somebody better. Amazing. So you're with your uncle and your brother. And I'm guessing they do listen to the show and that they probably somewhat prepared for this, even though you did pretty fucking good for a first time or pretty random. So you just signed up to not have to pay for a ticket, basically hilarious. That is the most middle of nowhere fucking Latino shit I've ever heard of in my life like this. I wouldn't have to pay for a drink either. Right. Right. You look kind of cold. Maybe the bartender will give you some more A cups to work with. That's something

that used to be bigger. I lost a lot of weight. Oh, good for you. How'd you lose the weight? What happened? Polies. Whoa. Hell yeah. I'm guessing that's the only kind of pull out ease anybody does with you. Pull out ease. It's a little stretch, but I think it works. You know, I was literally bred to have 17 children. So oh my goodness and survive. I don't think breads your thing. I think it's more of a tortilla wrap. You know what I'm saying? So which one do you think is more prepared and more knows the show better? Your brother or your uncle that you came with? Oh, my uncle loves the show. Really? What's your uncle's name? His name is Chris Caglione. Chris Caglione? Yeah. How many do you think we should get Chris Caglione? Let's see what goes on here. You stay up here.

You stand back there. Ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. I want to see some more of this wild ass family. God only knows how many of them came in the same car. This is Chris Caglione everybody. Here he comes. This is Uncle Chris. Here's Uncle Chris Carrion. Hey. Hello. Hello. My name is Chris. I'm a murderer and a rapist. I'm just kidding. I really thought though when I was like hearing Trump said it, I would look in the mirror and I'm like, you brown son of a bitch. Yeah. And I would be like, well, the only illegal thing that I've ever done, you know, is have a gaping asshole filled with cocaine. But if it wasn't for my uncle Carlito, oh my God, I'm a millionaire now. Could you tell you can't tell, but I'm in the bars getting

fucked up every day. God damn it. But I appreciate you. I know what you're thinking. My name is like you would think one maybe or I don't have Zeus. My name is Chris. God damn. What the fuck? You want to think you think I speak Spanish, right? I don't know. God damn thing. But I hope you speak to me in Spanish when you see me on the streets, because I'm like that's just me. There you go. Thank you. There you go. All right. Chris Caglione. Okay. Okay. Very interesting. A lot of stuff. I know, I know, I know. I prepared for this. You just said, I know, I know, I know. You didn't even, you're not even going to let me get anything else. It's the mustache. I feel like it's a thing. It's not the mustache. It's not. It's the fact that

you let your fucking niece out funny you tonight on a show that that you're supposed to be a fan of and know. You got, you got beat out by a fucking girl with smaller tits than you. But you guys do both have gaping assholes according to your set. You talked about your name being Chris 45 seconds after we all knew that your name was Chris. Do you know that? You said, Hey, what's up? My name is Chris. And then later on you're like, I bet you think my name's Jose or Juan. It's actually Chris. That's going to be a problem you run into every night. My name is even though the host said it six times and I said it at the top. Hey, I'm adding an extra one. So you remember this face, baby. Who's the other one? Who's the other

one that you guys came with? The nephew? Yeah, bring him over here. What's his name? His name's Sergio or Gabriel. You can call him whenever you like. Sergio or Gable. Yeah, I'll call them both. Ladies and gentlemen, your next performer doing it on it. You stay up here. Stand next to your fucking niece or whatever. Make some noise for Sergio Gable. Oh, shit. He's got a purse, folks. Oh my goodness. This is the only guy prepared for show business. I love it. One more time for Sergio Gable. Here he is. It's actually Sergio Gabriel. And I do insist that the white people in the crowd at least make an attempt. It goes a long, long way. You're going to fuck it up. We know that, but that's not their point. The point is the beauty in the attempt. All right? You'll

get some bean points. You might even get invited to a Mexican baptism. All right? And that is a fucking honor if you've never been. So a great way to get laid, all my people in the crowd with difficult to pronounce names, is to fucking make them say your fucking name right. That will drop more panties than I can imagine. And it makes you sound good. We all spend a lot of time wanting to fucking sound good. I'm sorry. Look good. But when you sound good, you can be a six, maybe even a five, four, and fucking make it to the top of this business. So sound good, articulate, whip your fucking dick out whenever you're on Kill Tony for the first time, and do a Ramiro style. Wow. Sergio Gabriel. Who else was in this car? I want to get your

fuckers grandmother up here right now. We're going to get the whole fucking family up here tonight. Is it just the three of you? Oh my goodness. Sergio, you seem like a real performer. You seem like you have some like fucking theater experience. Oh, he's a Gemini, says the fucking Chiquita Banana girl over here. Oh, that's what it is. I should have known he's a Gemini. He was born during a certain time. That's what it is. Yes. When's your birthday? What's your exact birthday? Oh, that's a weak Gemini right there. That's a beta Gemini. Barely a Gemini. Yeah, that's barely a Gemini at all. No, that's the worst. We're worse made Gemini's. We got a little more in us, dude. Okay. How long you been fucking dudes for? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Sergio.

I'm kidding. I don't want to know. I'm kidding. What do you do for a living? Uh, you're not going to believe this. I'm going to believe it. I quit my fucking day job. Let me guess, you cut vegetables. What is it? No, I was formerly employed as a sales professional at a car dealership. Wow. Redban actually said during your set, he said during your set, this guy talks like a fucking car salesman. That is where I was professionally trained, although I did play Gaston in my high school's rendition of Beauty and the Beast. You really did. So I was, I was right about you. I could see that. You left the mic in the mic stand. You had it. Yeah, dude, fearlessness. Let's go. Right. I spent six months talking to myself not to do this because I was fucking scared. And

I feel my head on the side of my leg right now. It's fucking crazy. Right. I love that. I love that. Dude, I have, I'm telling you, I got an eight inch cock. Six of it is four skin. But it fucking works. Four skin. Don't talk about your niece's skin like that. That's my sister mother. Call it five skin. That's my sister, Tony. Oh, that's your sister? Oh, my God. Are you guys twins? No, we're four years apart. I love it. Okay. All right. I don't know what to do with all this chaos up here right now. I don't know how this got started, but this is a fucking, this is wild. Fucking cosmic shit. We are in control of the fucking wave. If you would have told me that these three would be up here tonight, that it's another comic that invited us to his

Tex-Mex joint that he works at. I'd be like, you're crazy. It has to be one of these three. I gotta ask you, man. I gotta ask you a huge fucking fan, by the way. Yep. Yep. But how Texan are you? Have you even been to Amarillo? Dude, that's fucking Texas. What do you know about Amarillo? No, I'm sorry. No. What do you know about Amarillo? No. Hey, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony. I want to say something real quick. This is... You know why we came over here? Yeah. Because Lil' God said, do this. Lil' God said, you know what? I'm from Canada. I'm going to get my Mexican friends to come. And you know what I did? We all came. I'm right here. I just want to say that. Thank you.

Oh my goodness. I have no idea what that even means. Lil' God? Lil' God. All right. All right. I don't know. I think so. Is Lil' God the Canadian rapper? Oh my goodness. Okay. Very good. It doesn't matter. I love it. You guys are amazing. I love your energies. I can't believe we got all three of you up here. Incredible. That should make the ride home a little bit more fun for you. There they go. Some real Texans. Angela Ramirez, Chris Carrion, and Sergio Gabriel. There they go, everybody. Hey, here you guys go. Yo, Sergio. Sergio. Here, take one, eight, two, trace. There he goes. The three amigos, Angela, Chris Carrion, and Sergio Gabriel. Yeah. Oh my goodness. You know, they'll never forget that. I hope I can,

but they will never fucking forget it. What a night. What a night. Amarillo Balmorna. This shit is out of control. Should we go to this bucket one more time? Red Band just reminded me we do have to get yet another regular up here. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy started with the show a little over a year and a half ago. It was broke living in his van. Now he's thriving. He's fucking headlining all around the country. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. What's up? I just realized Mexicans are Asians that don't do their homework. What are they? What did I say?

I think it's kind of fucked up that if I get drunk in public, I'll get arrested, but it's okay to be retarded. That should be illegal. I'm kind of a bad person. I'm such a bad person, Joe Biden's going to trade me for a WNBA player. Thank you. Wow. Hans Kemp coming in and showing exactly how to do it. Going right off of the Mexican thing, made it about you. Asians, Mexicans, Asians, boom. Segwayed in. Big joke, big joke, big joke. You're fucking killing it. You did it all in a shirt like that.

Not easy to do dress like a Kleenex box. Incredible. A cool Kleenex box, though. Horrible shirt, but if you were a Kleenex box, I'd be like, God damn style. It's like the Betty Hawaii estate sale or something like that. Yeah. It's a throwback. Where'd you get that one from? Goodwill. Okay. Riverside. Oh, wow. A shout out to the exact location of the Goodwill on Riverside. If you're looking for good clothes, don't go to any other Goodwill. You will not find anything. The one on Riverside. How much did you pay for a shirt like that? Around $12.

Oh, hell yeah. That's a thrifty buy. Look at you. Getting your money's worth right away. Any damage or holes in it or anything like that? No, the damage is just a pattern. Yeah, exactly. I love it. Hans, you've been torn all over. Tell us where you've been. What have you been doing? I've been in St. Louis, the Lou, as they call it. I was in a hotel room with a bunch of young future hockey stars. They're about 12 years old. And wait, what? I mean, holy shit. The fuck do you mean you were? What? We were in the same hotel building. We were in a room. Oh, okay. Very good. Wow. I wasn't bunking.

You made it sound like you were in a room with little kids for a second, Hans. No, I was just in an elevator with them. What did you say to them? I just smoked a bunch of weed and got in the elevator with children. And they all play ice hockey. Yeah. And you play rice hockey. No, stupid. I'm sorry. I can't help myself sometimes. What else is going on in life, Hans? I am doing great. You know, there's a bit of a smell in my house. It's causing some respiratory issues. What kind of smell is it? It's like, I think we've narrowed it down to sewage or a dead animal. We're currently dealing with that. And I slept in my van last night.

The smell is so bad that you've reverted back to the van. My goodness, that must be horrible. Wow. I mean, everyone says houses are so great, but they're not that great. Right. Your houses. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. The only smell red ban has to worry about is the smell of red ban. Now I'm kidding. He actually smells great for how he looks. So, Hans, anything else interesting we should know about or anything before we let you go? An unbelievable set. Incredible. Thank you guys. There you go. He's a monster. He's a monster and everybody's finding out about him. He is fully working. You have a full schedule. I'm seeing the well made fucking promotions and posters. I'm hearing

about your sold out shows from club managers and stuff. It's incredible. I'm so proud of you. You're fucking doing it, dude. Thank you. That was Hans Kim. Thank you guys. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? All right. As you've seen, anything can happen. Nothing in this fucking bucket is planned. Anything can happen. One more time for Hans Kim, everybody. You're next comedian. This looks like a new name. I love it. Put your hands together for Penny Garcia, everybody. Penny Garcia. I would remember if there's been a Penny on this show

before. Here's Penny, everybody. Howdy. I'm Penny. Come on. Just okay. All right. So, I have eight brothers and ask the only chick I've always wanted to know what it'd be like to have a dick for a day. Like, do you guys ever have a spike piss next to the toilet? Like, fuck you, Applebee's. You forgot my extra ranch. One of my younger brothers started smoking weed recently, and he's always asking me to join him. I mean, free weed is freed weed. So, yeah, I usually do. He said we were going to smoke some moon rocks, and I got kind of excited. But when he took it out, it looked like dog shit. Like, a little dog turd, you know? Like, a little maltese turd. Anyways, after we smoked it, he was like, I just, I don't know. I felt really uncomfortable.

Like, I just had a terrible high, and he was like, oh, yeah, this shit always gives me a creepy high. Why the fuck would you tell me that, man? Like, I don't want to hear that. It already looked like shit. Okay, that's all I get. Penny Garcia. Welcome to the show, Penny. This is your first time on Keltoni, correct? Yes. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. First time ever. You're like a Mexican Daria. I'm actually white. You're white? I am. And your last name's Garcia? I'm married to a Mexican. Oh, wow. It's taken over. Look at that. He's pumped you so full with fucking Mexican sperm that you yourself have slowly become Mexican over time. You have the bangs, the style, the fucking. But not the eyebrows. When are you going to fuck

around with the eyebrows? I don't know, man. Like, I'm a millennial. We just do our eyebrows like this. Okay. You know what? I think you did a great job. Your first time on stage, you walked up, you had a little problem with the microphone. It seemed so easy to do, but it's so easy to fuck little things like that up. And I could tell the nervousness in your voice, which I thought was adorable. And I thought she's never done this before. And it was her first time. And I think you did a solid little job there, sweetheart. I appreciate it. What do you do for a living? I'm a singer and a student, so nothing really. You make money singing? I don't. How long have you been singing for? I mean forever, I guess. For ever, you guess.

Like, what type of music do you sing? A little bit of everything. I don't know. What's like your best song? What do you think your best song would be? I don't know. I could maybe do like Dreams by Flea Woodmuck. You want to give us a little bit of that? You guys know that? This is the Kill Tony band brought to you by Strewball Peanut Butter Whiskey. They can do anything at any point easily. It's unbelievable. Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions. I keep my visions to myself. Penny Garcia. That was good. That was good. Oh shit, D-Madness likes her. Oh my goodness, standing ovation from the great D-Madness. That's a rare treat. Holy shit, that

was powerful. Thank you. Incredible, incredible. Penny, very interesting. What do you like to do for fun when you're not singing or fucking? I don't know, I'm gonna say, I'm a philosophy major. Okay, all right, nerd shit. Hell yeah. Okay, what's like the wildest thing that you do? The wildest thing that I do? Yeah, you know anything sort of, laser tag or something like that? I don't know, I like to play the Sims sometimes. Whoa, crazy. Oh my goodness, you fucking rebel you. Hell yeah. Real rabble rouser, you are. Yep. My goodness, what a likable character you are. Is stand-up comedy something that you really want to do? What do you think? What made you do

this tonight? I honestly just want to talk to you to be honest. Oh shit, look at that. Hell yeah. Your cartel boyfriend's gonna try to murder me for this. I don't know why you're doing this to me. Yeah, no. I love it. You're good, Penny. You're good. I like your style, congratulations. You did fantastic up here. Great fucking everything that Ron said and then some beautiful voice. Thank you so much. Incredible. Take a big joke book. Very few first time comedians get a joke book like that, but you're very charismatic. There she goes, Penny Garcia. Normally this is where we would end the show, but you guys want to do one last crazy thing? All right. There's a young man who is not a regular on this show, but he came on and I

fucking fell in love with him so deeply and every three weeks he has to go back to the oil fields and work like a real Texan. This guy has taken the show over by storm lately. He's an absolute star. He's funny all the time. What you see is real. It is not a fucking character. This is the real deal. Uncle Laser, everybody. Here he comes. Having to squeeze around the staff members. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Uncle Laser, everybody. Now listen here. I don't know shit about a fuck. Okay. I ain't a Republican. I ain't a Democrat. I'm a lesbian. Scissor me fucking timbers. One thing I learned real quick in life. You don't talk about politics at parties. Everybody's doing drugs. He threw up on your shirt. Kyle,

you're not going to tell me how Russia and Ukraine are going to be friends again. Fuck you. But I will get politically involved for one sec right here. Now look, I know what a bad deal is. I've had a couple in my life. I went to the script club one time and spent 800 dollars going to a back room with a nice young lady. She told me about her nursing degree and she rubbed my leg. And that was it. Mr. Joe Biden, you traded a fucking first edition Charizard Pokemon for a fucking starter pack Pikachu. You fucking idiot. If only we had a president that wrote a book about the art of the deal. I wrote that in the car on the way here.

Uncle motherfucking laser. This is what I'm doing tonight. I don't know what to do with this man. I simply do not know what to do with this man. And by the way, what you just saw is literally just a minute of him talking. Yeah, that's not he's saying that he wrote something in the car, but that's a lie. He's friends. We all hang out with the same friends. We're all friends. And when hanging out at bars drinking and fucking kicking it, he's always this funny. Yeah, it's freaky. We're friends, Tony. Yeah, yeah, we're friends now. I mean, you're in my top eight on my space. I want you to know that. Where is this space exactly? My guess is somewhere just outside of fucking outer space. Amarillo. Hey, but real quick, Tony, I'd like to tell you something here real

quick. You know, listen, I got good hair most nights. I got good hair every night to be quite frank. But tonight I teased it up. And it was little teens had a nice young lady come over and tell me, Hey, baby, maybe it's you or maybe it's maybe believe. Because I heard there was a silver Fox coming on down. Now, Mr. Ron White. I don't usually get all fucking fuck boy fan boy or nothing. But I've been listening to you since I was a young boy now. And my daddy used to listen to you religiously when my mom and daddy was divorcing. There was a joke you said a long time ago about camping out for Garth Brooks tickets. Why don't you take him camping in? You like him so much. Well, my mama cheated on my daddy. And then she want to come back, you know, and like mend

everything goes, fuck you. Why don't you take that other boy camping? And I swear to God, that got me through a whole divorce right there. We got two Christmases now. Because of you. Wow. Uncle motherfucking laser. Absolutely incredible. I love everything about this guy. Ron, this is your first time seeing Uncle laser. Uncle laser is a firestorm man. God damn right. His politics suck, but he's a firestorm. Well, you don't like lesbians because they like what we like, you know, and I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. I think there might be a connection here. Ron,

did you fuck some hag on the road about 30 years ago and he could die? Whoa. He could be my boy. I love you dad. I think you're going to have three Christmases now uncle laser. Can't fucking wait. Holy shit. Hey, Tony, the real deal. The firestorm has arrived. This is Tony. Now, Tony, I know this is the number one live podcast in the world. But somebody told me the stream was fucked up. They didn't get to see my harmonica playing. Oh, now I'm a little upset. Is this true? You know anything about this? Yeah, YouTube's down right now. Well, but it's going to be available like as soon as they're not down.

Okay, it's down right now. Now also red man. Now also, you seem to invite every female to the secret show, but that Angela young lady, the girl that was dressed up so nice, she didn't invite her back and I sure would love to be there with her. I think uncle laser is making requests. Uncle laser sees a girl come in with her uncle and her brother and he's like, I want some of that. Give me the whole damn tribe. Goddamn it. If she came solo, I wouldn't give a fuck, but I want to disappoint some Latinos tonight. Hell yeah. Nothing better than a brown baby coming out with a yellow Jerry curl. Whether it's squinty eyes or thick Mexican dyes, I'm about it baby.

You better fucking believe it. This man is full of catchphrases. It never ends. He has things like that for any conversation that you're having. It's like Matthew McConaughey and Rick Flair had a baby. You're talking to the wheel and kneeling, kiss ceiling, son of a gun. And I'm having a hard time keeping these fucking gator skins down. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is what happens if you leave a Petri dish in the middle of Texas filled with cocaine and Mountain Dew. This is unbelievable. A star is born. Uncle laser, hold on. Let's go out with different music tonight. Why don't you play that harmonica? You got it all with you? Why don't we get taken out instead of the usual music? Let's do something special.

Just hit it. Hey boys, I got an E. I got an E. You played an A. I think we did the same shit we did last time. I think he's talking about the ecstasy in his pocket right now. It was the egg rolls, not the ecstasy. He has an E and a special K. Taking us home tonight. The great uncle laser, everybody. How long can this place get it for Ron White? How about a hand for the band? Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys. D. Badness on the bass guitar. Matt Mueling on electric. Paul Deemer on the horns. This is Kill Tony. One more time for uncle laser. One more time for the great Ron White.

And one more time for the screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony band, everybody. Thank you to gel blaster. Thank you to deep Eddie vodka. The red rose and the yellow rose screwball peanut butter whiskey. Number one tequila. The best fucking tequila on planet earth. Ask your local bars to serve it to you. It's absolutely unbelievable. I like it on ice with just a splash of fucking soda. So delicious. Ron White. How about one more time for Ron White? Austin's own. This motherfucker convinced me to move here. Showed me a good time. Took me all around town. We love them. We love Austin, Texas. God bless Texas. God bless the United States of America. Thank you guys. Good night, everybody. Love you.

Love you too.