KILL TONY - #591 - DAVID & LUNA LUCAS

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

David Lucas, Luna Lucas, John Deas, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/26/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for TonyHinchCliff. Who's ready to have the best goddamn Monday night of their lives, huh? Yippee, Red Band's here, everybody. Hey, everybody. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka,

Gel Blaster, all local Austin companies. You guys ready to have the best goddamn night, huh? Feels good in here. How about a hand for that goddamn band right there, huh? That's a screwball, peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony band, that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, John D's on the keys, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, and how about D-Madness right here down the middle, huh? There he is.

God damn, God damn, we are going to have a lot of fun tonight, pretty epic episode ahead of us. I'm very excited about it. Before we get started, here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again.

January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now. Get tickets. While you still can. Hey, Red Band, can I tell you something?

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You guys are in for a very special treat. I think that this is going to be pretty fucking epic, ladies and gentlemen. If you remember earlier this year, we had what many are considering the guests of the year, the Montgomery's as guests on the show, William Montgomery's parents. Tonight we're doing something a little bit different, but I think we're going to have a blast. Ladies and gentlemen, your two guests tonight, one is one of the great regulars of all time of the history of the show.

The other is the first ever two-year-old in the history of killtony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you David Lucas and Luna Lucas, everybody. Oh my God, wow. Live in the flesh. Make some goddamn noise, ladies and gentlemen. That's the great Luna Lucas. And we are going to watch stand-up comedians together. The great David Lucas, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, Rose

Scott and the first ever two-year-old guest in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, school is in session. Luna Lucas has arrived. Luna, Luna, how you feeling tonight? How do you feel? Say it right into the end of that thing. Let's go. An immediate crowd favorite, ladies and gentlemen.

She's already been funnier than most of the guests from New York that we've had on the show this year. Oh, you guys know who we're talking about. She's got some blue juice. This is very exciting. We got her rider earlier. It is blue juice. She also had some red juice earlier.

She did naturally mix it together to make purple drink. We're going to have fun all night here. Luna, I don't know if you know the exact outline of the show, but a bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to get one minute on this stage. If I pull their name out, or maybe I'll have you pull a name out once in a while, they get 60 seconds, and then you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. You hear that? Correct.

And that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You hear that? That's a bear. She has stuff she wants to say. I don't know what it is. But I'm excited about this. Are you guys excited about this?

It's never been done before. I'm pretty sure. I mean, I don't see how it goes wrong. If she falls asleep during somebody's set, legendary. If she has any critiques, unbelievable. I am so pumped about this. I think we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. So let's just get it started.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're not going to start with one of our regulars tonight. We're going to start with a bucket pool. How does that sound? How many of you guys know the history of this show? You guys know where you're at right now? So anything can happen. It could be a completely crazy person. It could be someone that's been doing it 10 years, that's waited months or years to get

on the show. It could be any shape or size. Could be a mentally challenged human being. Could be a physically challenged human being. We really specialize in those two fields. Anything can happen. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. We're going to get started.

You guys ready for this? 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to your first comedian whose name is Time Boy. Time Boy. This should be interesting. This should be interesting. We've never had Time Boy on the show before. I'm sure of that. I would remember Time Boy if I've seen him before.

You never know what you're going to get with Kilt Tony. Here he comes. This is his first time on Kilt Tony. Make some noise for Time Boy, everybody. All right. Austin is a great food city. Had some Ethiopian food last night. So I didn't eat anything.

Speaking of food, is it just me or does every Adele song sound like she's singing to an empty container of ice cream? I get the unlimited lift 50% off discount. That's when I walk 50% of the way to my destination. If I was a UFC fighter, I'm not obviously, but if I was, I want my intro music to be the Cosby Show theme song. So my opponent knows I'm going to put his ass to sleep and do terrible things to his body.

Thank you. All right. There you go. 53 seconds from Time Boy. Time Boy, welcome to the show. On a scale from 1 to 1,000, I give that a 7-11. Welcome Time Boy. I'm sure that's your real name.

No, it's my sleeper cell name. I love it. Okay. All right. Well, you put us all to sleep, so that makes sense. Time Boy, welcome to the show. What's your real name? Sadeesh.

It's my lea- like, yeah. Yeah. No, I know Time Boy is not your legal name. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started in like 2017, but I took a long break and then there was COVID. I saw you in the comedy store, so I attended Kill Tony a few times. I think Mike Lawrence was one of the guests. Yeah.

Did you sign up then? I did, yeah. And you just didn't get pulled? I just didn't get pulled. Correct. Okay. So you've been doing it a while off and on. Do you live here in Austin now?

No, I'm just here for a bit, but I'm going to go back to LA pretty soon. Okay. What are you doing here in Austin? I was visiting family. I got family in Houston. Really? Yeah. Wow.

I got to get there. Hey, man, they got the best strip club. Treasures? Okay. Wait. Who does? Here? No.

Treasures. Houston. Oh, in Houston. Okay. Here they have the yellow rows and the red rows. You might be more interested in the brown rows. All right. What ethnicity are you?

I am Indian. Indeed. We got it. Indian. That is confirmed. We got checks out here. We have your DNA tests. You are Indian.

100%. What do you do for work? Right now, I just work on my startup company, so it's just like making sustainable houses out of like natural shit, like wood, bamboo, yeah. Okay. Carpets. All right. All right.

Time boy. This is where things get very exciting. I'm going to check in with our two-year-old guest to see what she thought about your set tonight. Oh dear. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Luna Lucas. What do you guys say, baby? Bye-bye.

Was it Popeyes or Bye-bye? Popeyes or Bye-bye? She didn't say Popeyes, baby. Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Was it Popeyes or Bye-bye? Popeyes or Bye-bye? She didn't say Popeyes, baby. Bye-bye! I can't tell. Oh my goodness.

However, she did just give you a three-piece and a soda right there. That was incredible. Oh my goodness. On her first shot, one of the most epic moments in the history of the show. A two-year-old saying, bye-bye. Thank you. Thank you for stepping up. You have great comedic timing, Time Boy.

For a guy named Time Boy, you'd think you would interject when the host isn't talking, you fucking idiot. Somehow a two-year-old has better timing and execution than you. I love it. Time Boy, what's something crazy we'd be surprised to know about you? I don't know, man. I mean, I'm just playing white girls. Really, is that true?

White girls or white women? White girls. White women, biological women, yeah. Right, right. Indeed. Okay, how does this happen? What are you on? What exactly, how do you hook up with white women?

You just ask them. Instagram, bro. You just get on Instagram and then what? You ask them to comb over? Yeah. Nothing on that? Comb over? He asked the girls to comb over?

Yeah, man. To comb over? You should have played home style. How the heck, I got nothing. Do host or something like that. But I got a bigger laugh than that. Kidding. All right.

So, you have any special moves in the bedroom? What's your deal? I feel like you have some, you must have a trick or something, right? There's something you do, some type of thing. Well, she's not gonna know if I don't, I don't have to do that Kamasutra crap. Like, I could just get through her pretty quick. Do you know how to do Kamasutras? No, I don't.

All right. I'm just like 10 and done. We're like this set, one minute and done. Okay. He's a premature ejaculator, folks. In and out. No funny. Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna keep it moving tonight. We gotta get through these bucket pools. That's Timeboy right there, everybody. Timeboy, catch this. Here you go. It's a little joke book. Oh, damn. Indian guys can't catch.

Oh, shit. Oh, these guys are just bullying you at this point. New Houston firefighters over here just fucking toying with the tech Indian guy. He's used to cricket. All right. You guys having fun yet? All right. Your next comedian getting an uninterrupted one minute goes by the name of Nathan Summers, everybody.

Yes. We are in it. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Waiting for Nathan Summers. Here he comes. He's got a good pace, everybody. Make some noise for Nathan, everyone. So I dated a deaf girl.

The first time that we went to be intimate with each other, I had the worst erectile dysfunction of my entire life. She's sitting there poking at going, what's wrong? And I was like, hey, it happens. It's a normal thing. She's like, don't be embarrassed to happen to everybody. Oh, thanks, baby. Let's go. The next day, we go to a plant trading thing hosted by the deaf and hard of hearing community.

And I see her signing with her friends. And you kind of watch and you can pick up American Sign Language where you're like, I kind of get what they're talking about. And some of these signs start to look really suspicious. Like one, she looks at her friend and she goes like this. She holds out two fingers. They're erect. And then she makes this sound.

I don't know who the sound was for. She goes, shh. And I was like, surely she's not, right? Then her friend kind of looks at me like this. Look at pity. Her friend holds out her hands about eight inches apart. My date pushes the hands to about five and a quarter. And I go, this bitch is talking about me.

I go, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe. Nothing happened. She can't hear me. So I tap her. She looks back. She taps my leg. She taps my crotch. She puts her finger on my lips and she goes, shh.

And that's it. That's my time. Thank you. Okay. All right. Nathan Summers. I love it. Out there hooking up with deaf girls.

They'll never know how bad you did here tonight. You could just tell her when she's watching this that the audience was laughing the whole time. Absolutely. Okay. So Nathan, let's talk about it. Welcome to the show. How are you?

I'm doing good. How are you? Good. Good. You live here? I live in Albuquerque now. I'm from San Antonio. Okay.

You live in Albuquerque now. So you came here for this. What are you doing? Visiting family this week? That's about three months ago. I've been wanting to try this forever. So I thought if I'm going to do it for my first time, I'll come here and let you pop my cherry.

Absolutely. Definitely. That makes sense. So did you come with family from San Antonio or you came solo? Came up here solo. I came down with my two kids. Okay. You have two kids.

You still with the baby mama? No. No. Okay. Baby mamas. Baby mamas. Two kids. Two separate.

Yeah. All right. So Nathan, what do you do for a living? I'm a school psychologist. School psychologist. Okay. That must be weird when the kid walks in and they're the same height as their psychologist. Usually taller.

Yeah. Now I get it. What is it? High school? Middle school and high school. Okay. Middle school and high school. And you have two kids from two separate.

How old are your kids? Five and 12. Okay. Five and 12. Did you run this a bit by them? I ran it by my daughter. You did? Yeah.

She thought it was okay. Yeah. She loves you. That girl loves you so much. Have you ever, how long have you been on stand up? This is my first time. First time, everybody. How exciting is that?

That's good. That's good. That makes sense. What made you want to do it? You found the show a few months ago, but is this a stand up something you've always told to you? I'm 33. 33.

Very good. Were you ever in the military? I was. Yeah. You have the face. You have the face. Not really the body so much, but the face. You have military face.

You've seen some stuff. You've served overseas? No, no, no. I was in a training unit stateside in Fort Polk. Fort Polk. Louisiana. Louisiana. Sounds nice.

Yeah, it was great. Okay. I love it. You ever connect with other soldiers that have been overseas and you're like, yeah, I was in Fort Polk. I don't bring it up. Right. You guys are heroes.

Thanks for swinging by Fort Polk. I love that. Very good. That's how I would handle it if I was you too. What's a fun fact about Nathan Summers that we should know? Shit, I was sort of saving the school psychologist thing for that. Fuck. All right.

Let me save you here. Thank you. In your set, it was filled with a lot of setup and not a lot of punch, but you stayed in the pocket. I thought it was for a first time, okay. Okay. But let's find out what the great Luna Lucas thinks about you in your set. You're not working.

It's not working? The school psychologist. Just got schooled by a two year old. David, what do you think about this guy? You got the energy of a guy who fucks bitches at UFC gyms. That's true. They fuck me. Yeah.

I just get like domestic violence from him. No, you'll beat the shit out of a bitch. No, absolutely not. I hope that he's suggested victim as though he's been beat up a few times. He's got some weird energy. I don't know what it is, but I guarantee you, you strangled at least two of your bitches. Oh God. Yeah.

No, I swear never. Yeah. Not bad for the first time. I appreciate it. The deaf girl bit can be way, way better. Like Tony said, you got to find a punch in there, bro. All set up and no punch, you know what I'm saying? And the crowd was deaf tonight when you performed.

So you have two kids that live with you in Albuquerque? So you ended up with the kids? You have full time, whatever? So I've got my daughter full time and my son half the time. Okay. So the second baby mama lives in Albuquerque? She does. Right.

Okay. And where'd you make the 12 year old at? Was that in Albuquerque or San Antonio? No, I made her at Fort Polk. Okay. Fort Polk. So where's that mom at? Right now, she's married to some military dude in Hawaii.

Oh, some military dude that actually did something. No. No, I'm kidding. Shut up. No, not yet. She's like, yeah, I'm banging this guy with PTSD now, dude. None of this fricking Fort Polk fucking vacation energies over here. Fort Polk sounds like the hotel from White Lotus.

All right. Well, Nathan, congratulations on your first time being on stage. Thank you. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. There you go. Nathan Summers, everybody. That's his first time.

You see what that's like. It's not easy people. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Trey Wright, everyone. Trey Wright. You never know. Trey White could be the future. At one point, David Lucas was a bucket pool.

William Montgomery was a bucket pool. Michael Lair was a bucket pool. Here he is. Trey Wright. Yeah. So my girlfriend's really hot, but she crashed my car. She fucked up the bumper, the whole headlight. I was mad at first, but now I can pull up to any gas station I want to and nobody asked me for money.

I'm a bartender and I fucking hate two-for-one vodka specials. You buy one, I got to make two, and then I go home and drink vodka, and I don't fucking feel special. My girlfriend also says, she says, oh, you got a big dick. I'm like, oh, cool. But how come I gag when I brush my teeth, but you can deep throw me? She's like, babe, you just got a big toothbrush. OK, 53 seconds from Trey Wright. Very good.

Welcome to the show, Trey. All right. There you go. Trey, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? First time. First time ever, everybody. Wow.

We're doing it here tonight. OK, how old are you? 27. 27 years old. And what made you want to start here tonight? I just watch the show a lot and fucking love y'all. I'm sorry I looked at you and I did. What the fuck was that weird stare you gave David?

It's the signature way I start all my kill Tony says with a yeah. I did it planning, and then I walked up here and I saw him, and I said, yeah. There you go. I see. I see. Complete opposite. Sorry, I didn't mean to. Relax, relax, Trey.

Relax. I know the Adderall's really kicking in right now, but. I wish I had an Adderall in me. I know. I know the market's low right now from what I hear from half of my friends. So, Trey, let's talk about it. What do you do for, you live here in Austin? No, I live in Phoenix.

Phoenix, Arizona. Wow. And so you just never get out in the sun. You are the color that Red Band was two months ago before he actually knows he's getting back to that color. What are you talking about? It's like a little green-grey. You see it?

Like it's, there's some vitamins missing here. Have you ever tried liquid IV? Do you know you can save 20% by using the promo code Tony at liquidIV.com? It'll get you hydrated, it'll get some color to your face. Why do you think you look like that? Why do you think you have that like white mumble wrap, like Jack Harlow pale, like greeny? It's very, very sad energies that come along with it. It's a sad color overall.

It literally is like the same color as your shirt, but it's not. It's a little bit sadder. It's a little bit more washed out. Why do you think that is? Tony, it's hot outside, so we stay inside. Okay. All right. Trey, you have any special skills or talents?

You good at anything? You're 27 years old. You just started stand-up. What else? There must be something else you've done with your life. You have any trophies or perhaps some certificate of something that you've accomplished in your entire life, 27 years to draw from here. You can go deep into your own memories and think about really anything at all.

I'm giving you a lot of time. I'm stalling for you right now to protect you, even though it seems like I'm the mean guy. I'm still talking because I'm giving you enough time to think about one other town. Tony, I can put my own dick in my asshole. Wow, we actually just had somebody. I think it was last week. This is like a new thing. I think this is like a vaccine side effect or something that we're finding out here.

We're finding out here until Tony. People are beginning to start trying to put their own penis in their own butthole. It's easier than you think. So you do it while it's soft, right? And why don't you try like the mouth first? Why did you go to the asshole first? I don't know which one's gay or that's a real neck-and-neck battle, but... Let me ask you this because I've had a week or two to think about this

since the first guy said that he's been putting his dick in his butt. Let me ask you this. Do you go over the balls and straight around? Or do you take like the I-35 and go around? You take the service road and go around straight to the butthole. There's a kid here, man. You're good. Okay, Red Band, don't do anything. Thank you.

So which way do you go? You go around the corner through the woods to... Left side. Left side. So you do pick a side. I love it. Luna, what do you think of all this? What do you think of this chaos up here? What do you fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Is this allowed on YouTube? Can somebody call Jamie Vernon and ask if what we're allowed to do exactly? Are two-year-olds allowed to cuss on YouTube? D-madness, standing ovation, facing the wrong direction.

Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. You are a star. You know that? Yeah. I thought you were talking to me, Tony. No, I wasn't. You weirdo. I get it. I get it. I get it.

Okay, Trey, we're flying through bucket pools here tonight, so I'm going to keep it moving. Here's one of these, Trey, right? There you go. Wow, he catches something other than HPV. There he goes, everybody. Wait, wait, wait, Trey, before I let you go, what is that under your eyes? Is that like a permanent piercing?

What is that? You have to glue that on? You got to surgically cut it out. Really? And what made you want to do that? What family member do you have to hate to do that? Is that like an all of them? Did you kill like a gay guy in prison?

That's a good one. Red Band. There he goes, Trey Wright, everybody. That was a good one, Red Band. Red Band, Red Band, Red Band. That's fucking funny. Kill a gay guy in prison. You guys ready for more, huh?

Here we go. Holiday Sullivan is next on Kill Tony, live in Austin, Texas. The live music capital of the world. The new live comedy capital of the world. Holiday Sullivan. This is a new name for sure. I remember holidays when I meet him. Here she is, Holiday Sullivan.

Hello. There's a sweet little girl up here. Hi. I'm not going to swear. Okay. So I have an unusual name. I'm Irish, of course Sullivan. And that's the one that gets picked on the most.

People always make assumptions. They're like, oh, your last name's Sullivan. He probably liked to drink. No Judge Judy. I'd love to drink. If I could, I would be drunk all day. But I can't because who's going to teach the children, right? Another assumption that people make about me.

Oh, you're a big girl. I bet you like to eat. Yeah, I do. I enjoy eating. I enjoy drinking also. I also don't move very much. And it's more of a lifestyle. You know how skinny people, okay.

You know how skinny people, not that I just like you or anything, but you're like, wow, you look great. How did you do that? It inevitably ends with them saying something like, oh, it's kind of a lifestyle, you know. And I'm like, oh, it's not very fun. All right.

Holiday Sullivan. Very, very good. I love you as the mom on white lotus. I've actually heard that. Heck yeah. Also the mom from American Pie. She's also, I don't know, I just watched you the other night. You are home alone too.

You're the bird lady, right? I'm not, I don't know if I can actually say that. I've not seen the bird lady, but I'm assuming she's lovely. If I find out you have a turtle dove in your pocket right now, I might. If her turtle dove is given, then you stay friends forever.

You never lose the friendship with one who you share a turtle dove with. You don't know home alone too? What the hell's wrong with you? Lady, your name is Holiday, and you don't know home alone too? That's embarrassing. Oh my goodness.

My parents were hippies, we didn't have TV. Okay, how about since you been an adult? I've not seen home alone too. Oh my goodness. My mom's favorite movie though, so I'm not. Home Alone 2 or Home Alone 1? The first one actually.

Right, yeah, your mom's a hack. Home Alone 2 is actually secretly the better movie. They keep it low key, they hide it from you, but. I'm going to watch both of them. Yeah, I bet you will. You know what, I'm going to buy her a VCR just so that she can watch Home Alone 2.

Absolutely. Holiday, I love it. What flea market do you work at exactly? A variety of. What do you do for work? I've been on before. I had a different name though, because I didn't want to embarrass myself, but now I came. Oh, so now you've embarrassed two different names of people.

That's very exciting. Being true to myself. Nothing makes you funnier than a name change, everyone. If you bomb on Kiltony, feel free to just change, keep changing your name until it goes right. You know, maybe people that would have not seen me

are like, oh my god. So, I'm a teacher. I want to know. Let's stop for a second. I do want to try to understand why you would sign up under a different name. You're trying to like start just killing. Low self-esteem, I guess. I knew that.

The first time I came up here, I was thinking you would go easy on me because I was older and I thought. I was thinking easy on people that come in and try to just upset. You go ahead, Holiday. I didn't know you worked that much either

and that you were a roaster and I've seen you roasting and I was like, gosh. So, anyway. So, what was the idea of changing your name for this appearance? I didn't change it for this appearance. I just put the wrong name down the first time.

Mabel, which was kind of my alter ego growing up. Okay. Let's talk about it. Alter ego. So, what are we talking about? How many milligrams of Lexapro are you on right now? Not enough, I don't think. But you're on some stuff, right?

No, I just started smoking pot again. So. Okay. No better time to watch Home Alone too than when you start smoking pot for the first time. No, it's the second time. I'm coming back around too. Okay.

Let's check in with the one of the great comedy stars of the history of the show. Two-year-old Luna Lucas. What do you think about Holland? She was taking baby shark. She was taking baby shark. I guess because you're a teacher.

Oh, thank you. You want to say it again? Baby shark. All right. Yeah, don't blame your bad set on my daughter. I would not change my mind. You were trying to. No, I would never, Luna.

Okay, good job. How old are you? I'm 50. Okay, you're dressed like you're 80. Thank you, thank you. I think it kind of helped set me up. That jacket looks like some shit I find in my sofa. Really?

That's the shit you take out of the dryer when your clothes is done. I shouldn't have known. You were going to be the guest on the show. Yes. Oh, my goodness. Anyway, I... You got the energy of a bitch that baked weed-infused cookies

for the holidays. Okay. That is true. Holiday, what's your living situation? You live by yourself, you have a house, an apartment, a barrel fire, what exactly... What do you say, barrel fire? Could you be more specific?

Yeah, okay, so like an alleyway, a barrel with a fire in it. A trash can fire? A barrel? You know what a barrel is? Yes, exactly. A burning, round trash can. I think that's a little insulting.

Uh-huh. Yes, this is the show that you signed up for. Yeah. Welcome to another episode of Risk Reward, everybody. Yeah. No amounts of anti-depressants can stop the reality of the show that you thought

you would do good on. With family members. And two dogs and two cats. Okay, how many turtles? No turtles. Snakes? No, not a snake. Fish?

Two dogs, two cats. One of the dogs is a puppy who I take to the dog park and that's kind of one of my only others. Let me ask you this, Holiday, when you go to the dog park... I'm stylish at the dog park. Oh, God. Because you dress like a chew toy.

Ha ha ha ha ha. He's telling you smart. You're right. This is smart. This is smart. It's the talk of the town of the dog park. You're right. When you go to the dog park, do you notice a lot of pigeons landing on you or around you?

No, but I do notice a lot of dogs swarming other women in the park and so it makes me feel better about my own personal hygiene. Okay. I've understood 15% of the stuff that you've set up here tonight, Holiday. Really?

Yeah, no, I understand. I've heard you clearly. I have a firm grasp of the English language but you have a little twang of bipolar that I can't quite... I preferred it when you called me a gas station

manager. I called you that? You, uh... You're a very funny gas station manager or something. Did I really say the very funny part? Yes. I believe the gas station.

I think it was your hilarious for a gas station. Well, you pumped us full of unleaded here tonight. Holiday Sullivan, can you catch? Or I can make it in your pocket if you want me to. You don't even have to open... All right, I will. Here we go.

You blew that Holiday. I had that bank. You bounced it up. Goddamn it, Holiday. We love her. There she goes. Holiday Sullivan, everybody. Everybody, cheer for Holiday. Whoo! That's what would have happened if Hillary never met Bill right there.

She'd be up here in a wool sweater. The movie Misery came to mind. That lady's wild, dude. She could be the first female 50-year-old school shooter we've ever had on this show.

All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Sasha Kaminsky. Sasha Kaminsky. That's a good name. That's a good comedy name. Sasha Kaminsky. Let's see what happens here. Sasha Kaminsky.

Uh-oh. Is there movement? Anybody seeing anything? No? Aw. Sasha Kaminsky had a good ring to it. But we're going to pull another name out.

Nick James. Nick James is next on Kill Tony. Here he comes. A steady pace. One more time for Nick James, everybody. So, my friends call me ugly a lot.

They said, well, actually, I'm going to be more specific. They compare me to celebrities but just the ugly versions of them. Sometimes they'll say something like, they'll be like, hey, Nick, you look like Tony Hawk, but if he rode motorcycles. One time they said,

hey, Nick, you look like Nicholas Cage. But if his dad fucked a bowl of mashed potatoes. One time they said something that was really fucked up. They said, they said that I looked like the gay Tom Cruise. I went from top gun to bottom gun. How about that shit? Jesus. Now, here's the thing.

It's not the gay thing that upsets me, you know, whatever, you guys do you. It's the fact that I'm getting compared to the T-Man to begin with. It's like, look, I'm not a bad looking guy. But if I looked anything like him, man, I'd be crushing a lawnmower box right now. I'm going to tell you what,

I'm hooking up with so many broads. I got to change my name from Nick James to Tom Cooch. That's my time. Thank you. There you go. Nick James. I like deprecating humor. Well executed. Working this type of beats on the audience.

You had a rhythm. You're going for it. You sort of have like older guy jokes. Yeah. People say I sound like a gay radio host from 1952 a lot. Jeez, tell me about it. I actually, something I can actually

relate to. I don't know if you've heard me, but I sound like a real dick sucker. Yeah. Come on, folks. So, Nick James. Here we are. How old are you? 28. 28 years old.

My goodness. How adorable are you? Where have you been your whole life? Mostly in Connecticut. Yep. Connecticut. Feel that. And how long have you been here? I moved here August 20th. Just over four months now.

Okay. August 20th. Just over four months. And what do you love about Austin, Texas? What types of things are you into? Let's see. You know, I'm a man of simple tastes. I like how a lot of the women don't ask me to use condom here.

Um... That's how it happens. That's how we got Luna Lucas up here tonight. Okay. It's incredibly white delivery. And to hear you say things like that is very, very naturally hilarious. So girls are asking you to not use a condom

and in Connecticut they were. Yeah. Well, you know, I would always talk them out of it, you know, back home. Here, it's just like I left it in the car. Uh, whatever. That's fine, honey. She calls you honey? Like you've been married for 15 years?

Oh, that's fine, honey. We'll get it tomorrow. So no condom. Do they let you keep that sweater on when you're fucking them? Uh, no. I already have a sweater on underneath this. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

We got to change Luna's diaper. She, uh... I'm just kidding. Nobody peed their pants during that set, Nick James. Uh, so let's talk about it. How long have you been on stand-up? Uh, almost four years now. Yeah, just under.

All of it in Connecticut. Mostly, yeah. Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, you know, traveled around a little bit. Gotcha. Absolutely. What do you think is the blackest thing about you? Ooh, so many things. Uh... I never call the girls after.

I, uh... Thank you for that. Thank you for that. I, uh... I used to live with Jamaicans, and I hated it. Um... Why? Why did you hate living with Jamaicans? And why did they have to live with you?

What did they... They just had you open... answer the door when the cops came? Well, no, sir. No marijuana here, uh... Well, they heard... At the time, like, 15 an hour was like, Holy shit, you're making 15 an hour. And they just assumed that I was rich.

Wait. What? So, these are some... These are some broke motherfuckers, Tony. Like, I was living with three people, and one of them was a drug dealer. He's still gonna pay his bills. And basically, one by one,

all of them just sort of stopped paying rent, and they just expected me to pick up this slack. Oh, my goodness. That is hilarious. That is so funny. I just wanted to thank you a little bit. And you thought you had some cool housemates? You're like, I'm cool. I'm just one of the guys.

Mon? They had good shrooms, man. You know, it was all right. Oh, wow. You eat mushrooms. What types of things do you like to do after eating mushrooms? I could see you going straight to Wordle or something like that.

Well, I've been micro-dosing a lot lately, and whenever I do that, it's usually just so I can have, like, or so that video games will hit again, you know? Right. Yeah. I get it. I get it. What do you think is the most interesting thing

about you in your entire life? Oof. People are always surprised at how big my dick is. Really? Okay. Okay. So let's talk about it. Because I would be surprised as well if your dick was four inches,

I'd be shocked. So give us the ballpark of what we're dealing with here. Well, I don't want to be crude and give it an exact measurement. No, no, no. Go ahead. All right. Well... So if a girl ever asked me

for a dick pic, I just sort of, well, I get hard first, and then I grab a Coke bottle, and then I just sort of do a size comparison, and then just sort of balance it right up on my head. Oh, my God. Are we talking about a Mexican Coca-Cola? Just a standard plastic bottle, you know?

Oh, a plastic 20 ounce? Yeah. Okay. So like the size of Luna's arm. All right. You can't... Breadban. What? Breadban, you don't compare dicks to the baby's arms

that were just up here. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, coincidentally, it does look like a baby holding an apple. There you go. All right. After all. Okay. So, very, very interesting. And where do you find these girls?

Where are you going? Are you going to, like, you seem like the kind of guy that goes to, like, speed-dating meetups or something like that? Nah, I got KK out of those. Mostly Hinge. I get a lot of Hinge bitches. What time? David, can you believe this guy?

Actually, I can, because I used to have a friend that I used to make pay the rent as well. Yeah. And he used to get hella... He would get... He would get hella bitches, and then we would steal his bitches. Did the Jamaicans ever steal your bitches?

No. Well, not that I know of, David. Now, I tend to fall asleep. I'm a hard sleeper. And they would not be there when I would wake up sometimes, but... Yeah, they just stole my money. That's it. Wow.

Wow. In Connecticut? Yeah, those were Jamaicans that got kicked out of Boston. Yeah. Those are fucking... Those are third-string Bob Marley cover band, fucking... He reminds me of Marcy's

husband from Marry with Children. If anybody knows that show. People who watch that show, remember? You remember Marcy's husband from Marry with Children, a little lesbian bitch? And she used to fucking boss her dude around, you ever see Marry with Children? Uh, no.

No. My granddaddy raised me, so I watched all that old shit, man. You should watch. Steve, Steve, there we go. Oh, shit. All right, I'll take it. Well, Nick, congratulations on getting pulled out of this bucket tonight,

my friend. Four years in the game. Sign up again. Show us another minute sometime. Thank you. Oh. Oh, my God, he is like that guy. Oh, my God, he is exactly like that guy. I remember now.

We got to put that over the thing when he says it. That's the guy that's... All right. We know this guy's been on this show before. Make some noise. A brand new minute from Fuzzy Kelly, everybody. Fuzzy has been pulled out of the bucket. A local

open mic legend in Austin. Been on the show multiple times before. Here he is with a brand new minute. One more time for Fuzzy Kelly, everybody. Real shit, I thought I was black before 9-11 happened.

I grew up Muslim, my mom always told me you know, don't get a tattoo, you won't get into Muslim heaven. I was like, pass. She said, no, if you get a tattoo there's this guy's name is the Farista. And the Farista stands outside

the pearly gates and he won't let you in. But I thought, what if my tattoo said Farista gets a ton of pussy? Farista gets a ton of pussy. I'm mad, shut the fuck up dude. I imagine he'd be pretty stoked about that one. Right, I'm at heaven, he sees the tattoo.

Make sure it's all lost out home. Hits me with one of these. I told my mom I don't believe in Muslim heaven. I believe all religions are the same heaven. Muslims just have to get through TSA first. Yep, Fuzzy Kelly, that's how it's done.

The most experienced Kiltoni comedian that's been on so far tonight. Welcome Fuzzy, how's it been going? Good man, how are you? How long you been on stand-up again? I'm closing in on three years. Closing in on three years, but those are all Austin years. All Austin. Right, see the last comedian, four years, but Connecticut,

which is basically like two months in Austin. This is all serious stuff, because like open mics are far away and shit and it's a different barometer of audience. Those people don't know what the fuck, literally Connecticut is famous amongst comedians for being one of the worst places to perform.

Weirdly enough, Boston Providence, unbelievably epic places to do stand-up comedy, but Connecticut is where laughter goes to die. Because you have an audience of people that don't that never moved out of Connecticut. You understand? So naturally

they're going to be completely stupid because they're in Connecticut. Does this make sense to you guys? This is just an educational part of Kiltoni. Every once in a while I throw in a little knowledge. But you're three years of Austin comedy. You're out here, you're doing it. How do you feel?

I feel great. It's going good, I think. I'm getting quality stage time, better opportunities, definitely. What do you do for work? I don't really do much. I work the door here sometimes and then I drive some Uber Eats and shit. Okay, and you make enough to survive? Yeah, my rent's

450. How many roommates do you have? It's just two, it's just a shithole of an apartment. When you say shithole, describe to these nine to fivers out here exactly what you're talking about. Give us some examples. It's like, you don't understand any of your neighbors, you know?

No, keep going. Describe it more. It's like, you don't feel safe when you go home. There we go. Now we're getting some oil out of this dig. You don't feel safe when you go home.

Do you have Jamaican roommates right now? Tell us about not feeling safe when you go home, because this is actually really funny. Well, it's just like my neighbors, they're really loud and... What ethnicity are your neighbors? I believe they're Mexican or some sort of...

There are somethings going on in that region. What types of noises do you hear coming out of your neighbor's place? It's like a lot of, like, mariachi. A lot of mariachi? Yeah. Well, I think it's mariachi. I don't know what that type of music is. That sounds fun, though. That sounds like a party.

Yeah, for like 20 minutes, it sounds like fun. Like, oh, our neighbors are having fun, but I'd imagine after a while that gets old. Yeah, it's not good. I don't like it. Okay. So you have three roommate, or two roommates all together. Three people in a two bedroom? No, it's a three bedroom.

It's a three bedroom. So you each have a bedroom. How many bathrooms? The million-dollar question here. It's two bathrooms. Whoa! Two bathrooms isn't bad. Two showers? Two showers. That's pretty good. Okay. But I'm, like, hairy as fuck. Right. So only one has

an operating drain. It's a bathtub. No, my roommate hates it, because me and my roommate, we share the bathroom. Okay. And he's always, like, oh, fuzzy. Fucking gross, and you got hair everywhere. Yeah, I mean, he signed a lease with a guy named Fuzzy. That's what I said.

I'm with you, dude. I'm with you. So let me ask you this. You guys all share one refrigerator, correct? Yeah. What's the weirdest thing that you have in that refrigerator? Or the weirdest thing that anybody has in that refrigerator, and you look

at it, and it bothers you every time you go into your own refrigerator. Is there anything like that? There's some edamame in there. I love edaname. Yeah, I think you do. It seems like the last thing you would order on a Chinese menu. Let me go with these straight vegetables

on this one. Good estrogen. There's some edamame in there. It's been in there for, like, a month. It's weird. It's gross. Okay. Fuzzy, what's your love life like? It's not like... It's not popping, you know?

What does that mean, exactly? When's the last time you hooked up with somebody? Probably, like, two months ago. Yeah, two, three months ago. I get pussy, but it's, like, fat, ugly pussy. Oh, wow. Very honest. Again, another strong dose of honesty. 500 milligrams of honesty

served up at the great pharmacy of fuzzy chili. Condom or no condom? I try to go no condom every time. It doesn't matter. Let's skip that. When you say... Did you say fat and ugly? Yeah, I would say, well, yeah.

Okay, yep. That's a hard... That's a hard... At least one of the two. Can you describe one of the grossest things that you've seen or woken up next to something that really stood out to you in which even you were like, God, I have to get this chick out of my place. She looked like Fiona from Shrek.

Oh, wow. Pre-Princess yoga version. Okay. Right now, she's telling her friends that she fucked a guy that looks like Saudi Arabian Shrek, so... It all makes sense. David Lucas, have you seen this guy before

on the streets, fuzzy chili? Yeah, I think I've seen him a couple of times, bro. What ethnicity are your roommates? Got to be white. They're both white, yeah. Yeah, Edamame. That gave it away. But you can get bitches, bro. You know, just, like, clean your shirt before you put it on over.

You know, give a fuck about your shoes. You got the beard. Girls love the beard. Yeah. Yeah, put a hat on, you know, rock a hat. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it'd probably be better. Because a hat'll probably knock 15 years off of you because you look about 43 right now.

I'm assuming you about 30, 31? I just turned 28. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. I didn't realize it was that bad. It's time to try the Edamame that's been in your refrigerator. Top of your head ain't shit.

I know it's not good, yeah. Look how they're looking at it from up there. They think they're looking through a screen door. Yeah, but I feel like you got to just be yourself. You know, I was hiding from it. I was wearing oversized shirts. I'm fat and I'm bald and I'm doing it, though. You know?

That's cool. Man, get the fuck out of here with that Lizzo speed. You got to get the fuck out of here with that Lizzo speech, nigga. Oh, fuck. No, nobody feel bad for your ass, nigga. I hate that I said it. This nigga been listening to Lizzo

coming up here with that bullshit. Yeah, we don't give a fuck. You think bitches give a fuck about that? Go tell a girl what you just said and see how dry her pussy get. Girls want a guy with confidence, mother fucker. Not all that... No, it's cool.

Not all that gay shit you just said. I'm fat, I'm bald, I'm broken. I'm happy. You work at a club. You came back, bitches. You work at a club. You came back, no hoes? I mean, like I said, I can bag hoes, dude. They're just not...

Let me hear what you tell a girl when you first meet them. That's a good question. So let's say David Lucas is a beautiful, voluptuous woman. You're at a bar. There's some space in between you. Maybe a table or something. What do you say? Look right at her eyes and tell her something good.

What's up, Shawty? Oh. That's a good start. Go ahead, play back. Be the girl for a second, David. Nothing. I feel that it's like nothing ever happens, you know? Yeah. So...

So, uh... It's like, what? It's like, what is even happening? So what you on right now? Shit, you know, it's like nothing and shit. So, like, what you doing after this? Shit, we can do a little something, you know? It's cool.

Oh, okay. You got a car? You got a car? Yeah, I got a car. It's got, like... It's a little broken, but it works. You got your own room? I got my... Shit, I got my own room. We share the shower and shit, but it's...

This is pretty good, Fuzzy. It's mostly mine. That's decent. Yeah, that's decent. I think David's about to fuck you, dude. Just a little more confident, you know what I'm saying? So when you talk to... Yeah, it's cool, man. No. You kind of want to lead the girl

to where you want her to go instead of, like, giving her the option because a lot of women like to be led, but they got to feel confident in you to lead them. Yeah, so we're like, shit, what are we getting into after this? No, tell her what we're getting into. Shit, we about to get out of here. Hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop trying to sound black. Do it in your own voice. So this is how I would do it, bro. I'd be like, hey, Shawty, what you about to do? Shawty, what's up? Listen to him. I literally listened to Luna take better direction than you just did right now.

You just respond as the girl. Shawty, what you about to do? I don't know. What's up? You got a boyfriend? No. All right, cool, what you about to go with me? Sounds cool to me. There you go. That's all.

Give her the option. Don't give her the option. All she can say is no. Don't give her the option. Kidnap and rape. No, no, no. All she can say is yes or no, dawg. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I feel that.

And she felt confident in you. Then, you know, maybe you'll get her a drink. Maybe you ought to go get some food. You know what I'm saying? Be like, you going with me? She say, where we going? You hungry? Bam, now we going there. Yeah, bam. I'm going to start saying things like that a lot. Bam.

No, no, that's swag, bro. People are going to think you're emerald. Let himself go. Ladies and gentlemen, another appearance by Fuzzy. Have you got what's the longest set you've done so far in your career? Oh, like 15.

I'd love to have you open the secret show Thursday. You have one of these already? You've got one already. Fuzzy. Kelly. All right. We're doing good. We're having fun. We're moving along. Should we get back to this bucket, huh? All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, wow, this is a historical moment in the show. I cannot believe this. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the Kill Tony band's own D-Madness. D-Madness. This is an epic moment.

This has never happened before. We were warned that he was signing up for this. Holy shit, standing ovation. They are on their goddamn feet. For his Kill Tony debut, this is one minute from the great D-Madness. Very interesting. How y'all doing?

And I have the worst eyes in the world. I promise, don't tell anybody. And I have done very crazy things in my life that I never thought I would ever do. We'll have to wait for that because the interview, but how does it feel to be blind?

Because if those lights don't turn off, then you guys just take a seat. This is what I'm trying to do here. And I've never done this before. I've never seen myself do this before. But I'm also a crazy black-blind man. There's no idea about... I hear that cap.

And I'm willing to shut myself off for the time being. And he can ask me, I'll have the questions you want to ask me. Hell yeah. I like that close. That's a good closing part. And I got John Dees on bass, I think.

Yes, you do. So tell me, I can't see. Hell yeah. Make some noise for D-Madness in the house. Now, D-Madness, you have been performing for a very long time, but this is your first time technically doing stand-up comedy, correct?

Yes. I love it. And how long have you been playing music? Can you tell us a little bit about the history of D-Madness, your own version of it? Yes, okay. I've been playing music for 35 years. And

when I started playing drums when I was three years old. Wow. Wow. Incredible. That was my first instrument. Yeah. What other instruments do you know?

I play violin. And actually, I kind of fooled around with the guitar first. Okay, thank you. Actually, second, excuse me. But I didn't really

didn't like play guitar until later because I went to school for the blind and thought we were laughing at me. I see your looks. Yeah.

I see your looks. I put up with this bullshit. Now, D, everybody, you know, you are a staple on this show. How, I mean, and the fact that you do all of this stuff and everything, and I was, we were

watching a video actually yesterday, Christmas Day. Okay. Sorry. Okay. Hey, if Red Bay can do it, I can do it too. That's true. I guess a misplace, a mis-time sound effect.

You are correct. Sorry. So, being blind, I don't know where to start with that. What's that like? Like... Being in the dark.

Yeah. But, I have learned that being blind is okay because the fact that I can do, I still can do the things that I can do. But,

the problem is that there are things that I shouldn't do just because I can do. Like, like what? Driving. I think I've gotten stuck behind you a couple times on the 35.

Well, you know, I'm sorry, I'm actually happy to be saying this. Yeah. There you go. And like I was saying, we watched a video yesterday. We were watching great live music moments

and we found a video of the great Stevie Wonder playing music with you. Oh, Lordy found it. What was that like? This is T-Man, this is Stevie. This is T-Man, this is T-Man. It was like

watching him watching me. That is true. The blind leading the blind, I believe, the term. Yeah, it was a dark, darkerized situation. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. It's been a long time since we've had a drum off

on this show and I don't even think... Oh, no. Oh, no. Dee, these people have never seen you play the drums before. Will you give us a little fucking something? Oh, my God.

Okay, okay. Yeah, we got them. Well, I've never seen me play drums before so I'll never be able to do that. That's true. Dee Madness, one of the coolest people on Planet Earth. I hang out with him a lot after the shows.

He literally has the best breath out of any of my friends. We talk very closely with one another and he has an unbelievably great smelling breath. It's like shocking. I actually enjoy the smell of it.

I breathe it through my nose when I'm talking with him. Cool as hell. And here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, playing a little drums for us here tonight. Kill Tony Legend, Kill Tony

bass player, but tonight on the drums, this is Dee Madness. Oh, sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. Goddamn.

Rock and roll. The great Dee Madness. The crowd goes wild. The legendary Dee Madness. How loud can this place give for the great Dee Madness?

The crowd goes wild. The legendary Dee Madness. How loud can this place give for the great Dee Madness, everybody? I swear I did that with my house close. That's right. My esteemed guest,

the great David Lucas, has a question. It's a Dee Madness. I got a question. When I get drunk and I close my eyes, I get drunk. What happens when you get drunk and close your eyes?

Well, nothing. My eyes are very close. I don't know what to take. That's unfair. I hate to spin. You want to keep your eyes open all night, but you already... Yeah, you know. Luna, do you like the music?

Luna? What did you think about the drums? Say something. You tired? Oh, we should... Can we get some more bug juice up here? We're out of juice. Does anybody have a line

of granulated sugar that we could have? We need to get Luna back in showbiz over here. Dee Madness, we love you so much. Oh, yeah? You ready to believe? You believe everything

is going to be alright because I love you all. Somebody say yeah! Say yeah! Say yeah! Say yeah! Ain't nobody do things like that. They're gonna face and make a thing

so you sound right. Dee Madness! Wow. Wow. Dee Motherfucking Madness getting a standing ovation. All right. We've been in a while.

You guys think we should get one more bucket pull up here, huh? We've had a lot of fun so far. This has been a good one. We didn't get... Sasha Kaminsky never showed up, right? Never got that one. That one left.

So weird. Okay. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Sasha Kaminsky. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Aaron Bressler, everybody. Aaron Bressler. Here he is. Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, hell yeah. Let's go. Aaron Bressler, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. We're not supposed to be here right now. Just so you know. I didn't expect to get called. At full.

Anyway, I'm from Fall River. Do you know what Fall River is? It's known for chicken chow mein, shitties and peppers, and fentanyl boofing. I always screw that up. It's formaldehyde. Sorry, legit.

I'm ruining my family for generations by doing this, but I got haemorrhoids about... Can we do it again? About 14 years ago and I sat on a

bumper of a 1991 Jeep Wrangler. Anyway, so I never got it treated and I have sorry, Tony. Giant calloused polyps. Okay.

Alright, very good. Sorry about that. It took too long. Time is off. Relax, it's over. Just breathe a little bit. In through your nose, out through your... Aaron, before you ramble more nonsense.

Breathe a little bit. You listening to me? Try one. You have not taken a breath since you got up here. I do four in and four out. I love it. Absolutely, that's good. Aaron, let's talk about it.

You look like if Santa Claus lived in Costa Rica. Wow. Hold on, I'm going to hand my hat to my partner. That's not my partner. Yeah, okay. Go ahead. Aaron, I like your style.

I remember you from the famous painting from the movie Goodfellas. We're the guys on the boat. We're looking one way. The other dog's looking the other way. That is exactly what you look like. I have the... I have a photographic memory.

Okay, Aaron's trying to... We have our first pedophile on the stage tonight. This is quite the showdown. Aaron with a beautiful two-year-old on this stage. We're having a real Mexican stare down right now. Aaron, let's talk about it. You're from Fall River.

Is that what you said? Fall River. Is that Massachusetts? Yes. Okay, thank you. Wow, that was a close one there. I thought we... So what do you do for work?

What do you drive for a living, exactly? Tony, you don't want to know. I totally quit. Go ahead, Aaron. There was a question that I asked you 25 seconds ago. I worked two doors down. I quit my job back home and just drove to California.

But I landed here and I... You stayed? Yes. Yes, another very, very... very hard yes from Aaron. Hard to squeeze it out of you.

Okay, so you were planning on going all the way to California from Massachusetts. You swung through Austin, you fell in love. What do you love about this city? Robert Drylicker. What? Robert Drylicker. Robert Drylicker.

Yes, sir. Okay, is that a friend of yours or something? Okey-dokey. Aaron, we're just going to keep it flying through here. Tell us something interesting about your life. Do you have any kids or anything? Absolutely not. I tried. I'm out there plugging away every day.

What happened? Are you out there busting inside of women? Is that what you're saying? It's just dust. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. So that's his first time.

Is it something that you care about at all? Do you have any passion in your bones for this? I care about art and I hate comedians. Can't stand them. Love comedy. So what kind of comedy do you like if you hate stand-up comedians? Well-thought-out comedy.

Not trash. Wow, these people are booing you for saying you don't like trash comedy. I can bring that, but that's not the work. So who are some of your favorites? What are you like? What's high on your... You don't like trash. You only like the good stuff. So who are some of your favorites right now?

Robert Drylicker. Okay, who else? Vincent Rossi. Who else? Rogan. I know it's corny, but the first DVD killed it. It was great. You're talking about DVDs right now.

Holy shit. This is a fucking... We live in a psych ward that called Austin, Texas. Rogan, the first DVD was good and then he fell off after that before... Okay.

I don't want to do this. Rogan and... Renato Laranja. Wow. That was great. It was good stuff. I don't know. They were doing some things and it was like probably 10 years ago.

I don't know. Sorry. I apologize. Fuck. We're all not supposed to be here together. What does that mean? Why do you keep saying that? I'm not supposed to be on stage right now. Why? Why do you say that? You put your name, you signed up, you signed a thing, your fucking name.

So what are you talking about? First time here? Stage 3 dementia. You do? Okay. Now I'm interested. Now you have my attention. You should have opened with that. You literally should have opened with that.

And everybody would have loved you. Instead you put us through six minutes of torture. We just think you're selfish with your answers and your confusion. But now we know you're pretty cool. Dementia. I don't know.

I appreciate it. And we're all not supposed to lie here. I heard. Stage 3 dementia is the only stage you should be on. Thank you, dude. I appreciate it. There he goes. Aaron Bressler, everybody. We're going to give you a...

Shit. We're out of... Here we go. Aaron. Catch. Yeah. Make some noise for Aaron Bressler, everybody. I don't know. I don't know. It never works.

Should we go to the bucket one more time thing? It never works. It never works. Should we do it? Should we go one more? Alright, but I must warn you. It literally never works. Okay.

Let's see if we break the curse. Make some noise for Bruno Afibi or Afibi. Bruno Ifebi. Bruno Ifebi. Bruno Ifebi.

Here he comes. Your final bucket pull of the night. Bruno Afibi, ladies and gentlemen. Yo. I used to be a big fan of rap music. I listen to it all the time, but I had to stop listening because

rappers don't make smart decisions with their money. They're just rapping a little bluesy if you had a song. I'm in the club VIP. My gas tank on E. But all drinks on me. Boozy no. If your gas tank's on E, don't spend all your money on drinks.

It's financially responsible boozy. I'm a visitor from New York. Sorry, I'm like I used to live in the Bronx and Bronx gets a bad reputation for being scary. It's okay, I like it.

The only scary thing is the people there are desensitized to violence. One morning I was trying to catch the train so they could stop me. She was like, hey, young man, don't go over there. Niggas are shooting up the block. I was like, damn, I'm gonna get to work down. She was like,

yeah, I know. It's too early in the day for all that. Too early in the day for all that. Lady, that's a weird thing to say about gun violence. That means in your mind there's no appropriate time of the day for niggas to shoot.

Fuck yeah, Bruno Afebi, am I saying that right? Afebi? Afebi? Yeah, I was outside. I got the last butt, last part pulled all the way up. Yeah, Afebi? Afebi, yeah. Afebi, Bruno, welcome. What part of New York do you live in? I live in Brooklyn, yeah.

Awesome. Is that where you're from, born and raised? Dallas, but I'm on like two weeks school break. So school break, you go to school in New York? Yeah, yeah. What are you studying up there? I'm a second year medical student. Wow, look at you. Hell, yeah.

I love that. What are you going to do with all that? I don't know. I'm thinking of being a pediatrician. Okay, all right. Don't be an OBGN. What? Don't be an OBGN. Oh, wow.

Don't be an OBGY. Is that what she said? I think so. Oh, wow. What a stupid bitch you are. Wow. What a random dumb heckle. I'm surprised we didn't pull your crazy ass out of the bucket earlier. Look at you. Melting down, just white wine coming

in from Westlake. I love it. You almost held it together. This is why we shouldn't do one more bucket pool. It's the end of the night. My favorite is our disappointed husband who has to deal with this shit all the time just shaking his head. Like, god damn it, we almost made it

through. You embarrassed him a lot, don't you? You thought you were going to be funny, didn't you? Yeah. Anyway. I think he might be an OBGN. No, no, no. She is a

disgusting pussy, though, so it's close. No, I'm kidding. It doesn't even make any sense. No. Don't be an OBGYN. Very good. Okay, so Bruno, I like you, man. You seem cool as hell. How long have you been on stand-up? I did it pre-pandemic, but like the COVID

happened and then I got into medical school, so yeah. Right. How do you pay for medical school? The government loans. Very good. Absolutely. That's what you get. You know what's funny? So at the Creek and the Cave in Queens, like, I used to like

smoke weed and like just chill out with Hans Kim before Hans Kim. Yeah. Like, Hans Kim was funny. It's a small world. It really is. Hans probably thought he was smoking weed with Idris Alba and fucking... Wait, that's a compliment.

Yeah, I know. You didn't have to say that. You could have just absorbed it. Okay, thanks. More like Idris Elba. Nice. It's true. David, what do you think about Bruno? What do you got for this guy? Are your parents African? Yeah, I was born in Nigeria.

Oh, I can tell. Yeah. Yeah. It's the facial structure. They got the... I don't know how to explain it, but I can always tell. The high cheekbones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The original nigga. Yeah. He turned down the volume. He did it.

Somehow he made that noise while Red Band hit that sound effect. That was incredible, Bruno. Oh, my God. People have been so weak out of this bucket tonight. I forgot what it's like when someone's funny for a moment.

What's your shirt mean? Got you. We got you good on that one. We don't care. Can I hear you wrap that little boozy lion one more time? You know what's funny? In the black audience, they forget it's a comedy

show and just start singing. It was the way you said it that... I'm like, stop. There's a punchline. It was the way he did it that threw me off. Look at that. You guys are alike. You have two X's on the outside of your shirt. He has three X's on the tag on his shirt, so...

You should be a plastic surgeon so you can give him a discount on his sex change. That's true. That's true. That's true. I want you to be my OBGYN. I love it. Bruno, what else should we know about you?

You seem like such a cool guy. Um... I don't know. I'll just be chilling. What do you like to do when you're chilling? Whenever I'm not studying, I just spend my time on comedy shows and open my... What's your living situation?

Brooklyn's tough, especially right now, especially around the colleges, right? I live in East Flatbush, so it's nothing but not white people, so it's nice. Okay. What? Not white people.

I love Little Roy white people. Not white people. So you don't like white people? I do. That's the African in him, but that's the African. Yeah, that's... Y'all don't like black people either.

Y'all don't like American black people. No, Africans, I have a hard time. What is a stereotype that's true of Nigerians that you could share with us? He send them emails at 2 a.m. Yes. You have won the Nigerian lottery. All you have to do is cash at me

$12,000. Yes. My van bulb is Bruno's heavy. What is a true Nigerian stereotype that we don't know about? A true Nigerian stereotype. What do you notice with you and your family or anything like that? You guys do anything?

Very loud people. Tell us one we don't know. All right, that didn't get the laugh I was expecting it to at all. I got it. Here in Texas, sometimes they don't know like the black jokes. They're like, are they loud?

I don't know. I don't have any neighbors for miles. I don't hang out with them, so I don't know their volume level. Okay, I love it. You seem like a good looking guy. You out there just getting whatever you want in life? You happy?

Yeah, I'm pretty happy. Yeah, exactly. You did it, dude. And you're getting a big joke book tonight. How about that? Bruno, a Phoebe, a Phoebe. Make some noise for Bruno, everybody.

All right. Now, here we go. We're going to put a ribbon on this thing. Unfortunately, the great, the powerful William Montgomery got stuck in Tennessee today. However, we do have our other regular

here to close out the show. Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. A brand new minute from the legendary Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

Hey. It's good to be here. It's great to see the amazing Luna Lucas here tonight as an Asian. Thank you. As an Asian, I rarely get to see baby girls. So...

We usually scrap them and try for a boy. Bring your daughter to work day is usually a trap. Excited for next week. It's going to be a Kleenex full of my cum, as a guest. Great to be here for the origin

story for Whoopi Goldberg. I am a men's shoe size 10 and a half, which means I'm a woman's 12. It's good to know I have a giant woman's dick. All right. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Hans Kim. Hans Kim has written

12 seconds worth of material since last week. Came up here riffing on Luna Lucas. Called her Whoopi Goldberg at one point. I didn't know Whoopi Goldberg was a thing. I was getting nervous.

Got it all out there. Yeah. With the roast of my daughter, mother. Hans, you look like a back pocket for a jean. All that goddamn blue on nigga. How dare you take

shots at the great Luna Lucas. Yeah, man. What's wrong with you? Your eyes look just like that pocket, bro. A little slick. Hans look like... Face the audience so they can see the pocket that he said looks like your eyes. God damn it. Hans, give the people what they need.

It's a comedy show. Don't lean in. All right. You look like you always just got pepper spray, mother fucker. My eyes is bunny. Saskatchewan pepper spray. Oh, my goodness. Hans, Kim, how do you feel? What's going on? That was a fun set.

I feel good. You know, David Lucas, I thought this day would never come. He roasted me. I was afraid of this moment, but it's not as bad. It's all in good spirit. You're my friend, yeah. Okay, yeah. Hans is scared.

Hans is scared. That's my dog, man. Fuck it, bro. This is a little picky and choosy when they want to get made fun of and when they don't. I've seen this before, trust me. They'll turn on you in a second. He'll take you out of context and post it on the internet and say...

This is how David Lucas talked to me on Christmas Day. Oh. Government observed Christmas Day. Hashtag happy... Government observed Christmas Day. Yeah, it's good to be here on Christmas observed Christmas Day.

What'd you get for Christmas? What'd you do? Anything good? I did a bunch of sold out shows in Tacoma. Yeah. That's near where your parents live, right? Yeah. Did they come out? No. Did you talk to them when you were there?

No. You didn't speak to your parents? Well, they moved to Oakland and I visited during Thanksgiving, so... Oh, okay. Thanksgiving with the Kims like? It's like a replica of a white Thanksgiving, except more Asian languages being spoken.

Okay. And they just go straight Thanksgiving. There's no rice or anything like that. Where's kimchi, bro? Well, we do have a white section of the kitchen and then we have the Korean section. Oh, okay.

What's in the Korean section? Tteokbokki. Oh, mandu. Ooh. The microphone stand started floating when he said that shit. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I've been doing a goddamn sorcery, nigga. Don't say that shit no more, man. My mama watched this shit, man. It's Asian. She gon' think I'm in the devil worshiping. That's why we watched anime with the subtitles. Maybe you'd learn some Asian languages.

Why would we do that? Just to be closer to the source material. Now, Hans, you're single again. How's that been going for you? It's been great. I got kisses in Portland and Spokane. Okay. And a blowjob to completion

in Skyline, Appleton, Wisconsin. Wow. A blowjob to completion in Wisconsin. Wow. The crowd goes wild, folks. Wow. The crowd goes wild, folks. You know he's being honest.

Ha-ha-ha. A blowjob to completion in Wisconsin. That is the... You could tell that's said by a man who gets a lot of half-blowjobs. Ha-ha-ha. A blowjob to completion.

I watched a movie the other day. To the end! Ha-ha-ha. Good for you, Hans. That is incredible. So, uh... Very interesting. Where'd you meet this girl in Appleton, Wisconsin?

Yeah, at the Skyline Comedy Club. Okay, really giving them a shout-out. Best place to get blowjobs, 2022. Ha-ha-ha. Skyline Comedy Club. I know that place. We've done that place before. That's where the great Joel Burke once said that a lady looks like Benjamin Franklin.

You remember that one? Classic. Benjamin Franklin. It was insane. Um... Okay, Hans. Anything else crazy we should know about before letting you go? I got a lot of drugs during my little trip to Tacoma. Got some cocaine.

Ooh! Okay. And what'd you do with the cocaine? I just saved it for later. Oh, you brought it back on the airplane with you? Yeah. Where'd you put it? Right in the carry-on. Wow. Just loose, right in the front pocket. Hell yeah.

And they were like, wow, you got a lot of organics in here. Ha-ha-ha. Boy, wow. They found your bag of cocaine? They found a bag of mushrooms and marijuana. Wow. Jesus Christ. They were like, we're not interested in your organics.

We're interested in these wires. So I got to come home with mushrooms and cocaine. What were the wires? It was just my camera stuff. Okay. And my podcast stuff. Very good. You're out here hustling. You're fucking touring.

You're doing sold-out shows all over. It's absolutely incredible. You and all the other regulars. We got another brand new minute from you here tonight. You're light on your feet making jokes that are about the show, about the night. It's absolutely great. We've watched you evolve tremendously.

How loud can this place get for the great Hans Kim, everybody? Thank you. You guys are here on a special night. The man that has been drawing the show since it started nine and a half years ago is here tonight. He drew tonight's episode. This is the great Ryan J. Hebel.

Texas's own Ryan J. Hebel. Oh! Queen Luna. Oh my God. I love it. I might be buying that one. That one's cool as hell. David Lucas.

David Lucas Comedy's got the Roast Club. What's going on? Tell these people. January 13th, I'm at Hyenas in Dallas and last week when I was in LA I shot something very big that y'all gonna see in February. Can you give us a hint?

Any hint? Maybe it's during a very, very large sporting event? In February. If you get my drift. Yeah. Keep an eye on it. That's huge. David's here. These Austin guys are

looking LA big ass shit flying there and coming back home to Austin. So literally we're fucking living the dream. Getting to do all the coolest stuff we got to do in LA while living here. Yeah, I'm right. David moved here as a full-time resident

and we're having a lot of fun, man. One more time for the great David Lucas, everybody. He's on Cameo. He's on Instagram. See him live on tour. Thank you to the Red Rows, the Yellow Rows, the Red Blaster. How about one more time for the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony Band?

Michael Gonzalez. John Dees. Matt Mueling. And how about one more time for D-Madness, everybody. Really? A huge night for D-Madness. I love it.

We got through it. We're gonna do it again next week. Red Band? Love you guys. Love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. The after party starts now. Thank you.