KILL TONY - #592 - JOE ROGAN + JESSIE JOHNSON

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Joe Rogan, Jessie Johnson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/02/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/TONY22 and use code “tony22” for 22 free meals plus free shipping!

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchman! Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band right here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, everybody.

He may be wearing blue, but he is indeed Red Band. Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose and Deep Eddie Vodka and Gel Blaster, available in stores everywhere. Shoot, your friends, blast your friends with little gel tabs. You guys having fun? What's happening? Are we here tonight? Austin, Texas.

You got a little goth guy with his arms crossed, not having any fun whatsoever. Yeah, dude, you're sad about the guy from fucking the drummer from fucking, uh, fucking, what was that again? There's two drummers today. Yeah, you're sad about one of those fucking dead drummers, aren't you? I'll tell you what, drummers are alive. The fucking screwball, peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony Band, everybody. God damn it.

Michael Gonzalez. John Dees on the keys, Matt Mueling on the electric, Paul Deemer on the horns, and that's the great D-Madness right there down the middle. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here, the listener right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional

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I love it too. And you will as well. Fresh America's number one meal kit. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode guys, you're halfway there. You're like making noise like a fucking like it's like you're making noise like you're in a taping a fucking letterman or something and I had new letterman to not the old letterman. You guys sound like a new letterman audience. You guys ready to fucking do this shit tonight or what?

Every single week, I have some of the funniest, some of my favorite, some of my best friends in town this week. No different. If you're a long time Kill Tony fan, you're in for a special treat. It's former band member and Kill Tony legend, one of my best friends, one of the best comedians on Planet Earth. Make some noise for Jet Ski Jesse Johnson and Joe Rogan. What?

Oh shit. Oh shit. What? Did he say fuck yes, Jet Ski, Joe Rogan, holy shit, a goddamn Monday night. This is Monday in Austin, Texas. Let's fucking go. All my favorite J's in one place, Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson and Joe Rogan. How you guys doing?

I'm so excited that you guys are here. I'm fucking pumped. You guys have done this before. What's shaking? I feel amazing. This is great. This is my favorite show. I'm happy to be here.

You guys both know what you're doing. Joe is one of our top guests ever and Jet Ski, a former full-time band member on this show. Literally better than almost anybody ever. If you guys don't know, a ton of people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. I pulled one of these names out. They get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten? That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which just interrupts their set very loudly and aggressively and brings everything to an end. Then I interview them and they talk to our esteemed panel for a few minutes and we find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised and a lot of fucking fun. You guys ready to start this party or what?

Very good. Now, we have a special treat to start tonight. I wanted to start it with a little bit of energy, a little fucking jolt. This guy, while he is not officially a regular on this show, he works out in the oil fields and when he's in town, I love seeing a new 60 seconds from him. He's an anomaly. He's only been doing this for a few months, but I fucking love the guy. I think he's got a very promising future.

Let's see a new minute from the one and only Uncle Lazer, everybody. Make some noise for Uncle Lazer, everybody. Come on. All right. Take a gander here. Listen, my mom raised me not to be a fucking quitter. Okay. She said, always see it through, never throw in the towel halfway.

Now, with that being said, I got date raped the other night. It's not funny. It was a very Bill Cosby-like experience. Somebody carried me up to their hotel room. Okay. But when they got up there, they didn't finish the fucking job. You see, they didn't give me enough of that date rape drug where it says, give you one, give me seven.

Okay. I got the tolerance to kill a fucking grown polar bear. I'm a drug addict. Okay. When I woke in though, I noticed that my butthole wasn't sore in the slightest. Okay. And I didn't have any lady juices around the remnants of my penis. So needless to say, I was very, very unimpressed.

So I did what I was raised to do, to never quit. So I went ahead and jerk moaned self off to complete the fucking experience because mama didn't raise no fucking quitter. I used to use the towel that they threw in halfway as a cum rack, so it was quite delightful. The laser giving us a little story this time. This is different. Is this something that actually happened? Yeah.

At Vulcan, actually. And I didn't go to sleep in no cool apartment. I was in the back of my fucking truck. I even took my pants off halfway through it so they couldn't even get their fingerprints to get caught. I was really hoping they were going to finish the job. All right. Might want to work that story out with your friends a few times before you bring it to

the stage. The story's got some fucking holes in it. So someone roofied you? All right. Let's be real here. Yeah. I've been roofing one time before and I felt the same way, but then I was reminded later on a later date that actually took a fucking 100 milligram weed gummy.

And that could have done it too, to be quite honest. Uncle Laser had it again. When you hear the sound of that laser, that means that we've been Uncle Laser. Okay. So my guess is the hundred... The search continues. We don't know. We don't know.

It sounds like you roofied yourself. Turns out. So Uncle Laser, how's life been going? What else has been happening other than this roofy incident? Well, I've been dealing with that. A lot of trauma there. Christmas was shit. Had to work out on the rig.

During Christmas and the polar vortex flow, like froze up all the pipes in the trailer house. I couldn't shower for 13 days. Shit. I'm pretty sure I have a yeast infection now. 13 days. That's rough for a guy that showers every 12 days. 11 days.

You know what I'm saying? It's like that last day, you're like, what the goddamn hell? Yeah. No, it's bad. I had to cut all my hair out because it knotted up. The perm started eating itself. It was bad, dude. So now I really like fucking Ellen DeGeneres.

Okay? Yeah. Yeah. I love it. None of this makes sense to me. We're in a simulation, Joe. Relax. I'm trying.

Uncle Lazer, what's the most white-trash thing you've done since the last time I spoke to you? I was sexing at a party at a festival. Oh, shit. Yeah. I fell in too, halfway through. Like your foot? Like me.

Like all of me. I believe the first part. First part was good. Goddamn, Joe. I can show you if you'd like. Fuck. Uncle motherfucking Lazer. I love it.

Have these allergies affected you? No, dude. I'll never get sick. I never even caught COVID. Really? Uh-uh. What's your secret? Drink out of a water hose.

Don't wear condoms. Okay. All right. There you go. Pretty fucking simple. There you go. I'm allergic to latex. And I ain't wearing no fucking sheepskin.

You're out of your goddamn mind. That's for animals. Goddamn. Yeah. You won't wear a sheepskin condom, but you're my friend that is most likely to have fucked a sheep at one point, which is crazy. Goddamn it, Tony. You won't put it around your dick that way, but if it's...

But I'll put it through my dick. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Uncle Lazer. Well, you got tonight's show started. It was good to get a minute out of you.

It was a very recent story from this past weekend. Yeah. Anything else we should talk about before letting you go? Had a great time in New Year's. Yeah, you did. You had a great spot. That was a good time. You did a great stand-up comedy Saturday night here.

Sold out. Chaos. You were all dressed up. Felt good. Yeah. What'd you rate it? How'd you rate it? On a scale to brain and chop to 10, what'd you rate it?

For a guy that's been doing it... Ha! For a guy that's been doing... How long have you been doing this? Five months? Five months. Five months. Yeah.

I will say it was... I give it... I give it four Brendan shots. There we go, baby. There he goes. I'll have to have you on Secret Show Thursday. He's gonna work it out again this Thursday at the Secret Show. There's a new minute from Uncle Lazer and like that to the bucket we go.

This is where we meet complete strangers. Maybe it's a returning person from far across the globe. Maybe it's a first time or anything can happen. They get an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Your first comedian goes by the name of Josh Castro. Here we go. Josh Castro. Here he comes, everybody.

Make some noise for him. Josh Castro, everyone. What's up, Austin? How y'all doing? I believe we're at a civil war. Yeah, it's gonna happen. It's gonna start here in Texas. And it's gonna start with breakfast tacos.

Austin tries to be the capital of the world with breakfast tacos. It's not gonna happen. You put kale inside of a tortilla and call it a taco. It's not a fucking taco. You gentrified food. Right? What's next? Conspiracy themed restaurants, right?

You order a Kennedy burger. It just comes with a top off. Hillary hot dogs with a side of suicide sauce. What if you had the Epstein tacos, right? Where do you find that? Right under the kids menu? He's dead. You know that, right?

The eyes put kale inside of a tortilla. You can't fucking call it a taco, man. Thank you. Wow. That is one of the most... That is one of the most Tex-Mex comedy sets I've ever seen in my entire life. Hey, yo, what's up with fucking breakfast tacos? You can't fucking do that.

Are you serious here in Texas, man? I love it, absolutely. I've been here a couple of years. I don't think I've ever seen anybody quite as passionate about breakfast tacos as you. But I could see why. You have all the parts. My New Year's resolution is a cauliflower tortilla. You think that's what's going to do it?

It's the tortilla that's going to fucking... Help me, Tony, help me. No, no, I don't have enough time for that. I do have a fix to some of your jokes. You're almost on track there. I would say that Hillary Clinton has hanger steak. Oh, shit, that's a good one. Yeah.

The suicide sauce you could still keep, but it wasn't really funny. I'm trying here. And then the Epstein taco... I don't know, I can't remember. You said kids menu, but Jetski? Maybe there's like a 9-Eleven burger, and then throughout the meal they slide you a Tower of Seven fries. There you go.

Either way, it's going down. Well, that found harder than Tower of Seven. Can we just delete this episode? Shouldn't the Epstein be the hanger steak, though? Yeah, but he didn't really hang himself. Hillary's the hanger. That we know of. Hillary's the hanger.

Epstein was the hung. Most likely. I don't know who knows. There were two guards that didn't know. Okay, Josh Castro, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? More or less nine years. Nine years, holy fucking shit. What?

Okay, where have you been doing it nine years? What fucking taco shop have you been performing? Every taco, I do a show at Casa Morenos, which is a Mexican restaurant. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all making sense now. Nine years of restaurant comedy experience. I bet the crowd goes crazy. They're like, I fucking hate breakfast tacos.

They're like, we do too. That's why we're here for lunch. You'd be surprised how many people in Texas. Right. You have a lot of other food jokes? Is that the... No. You just wanted to...

Nine years in the business and you wanted to do your breakfast taco bit here tonight in front of a... I fucked up. What are you fucked up on? I don't know. Maybe I should have gotten something better. I don't know. Well, the writing was okay, but it's ironic the best thing was your delivery. Thank you.

All your serving experience. Thank you. You are a restaurant. Somebody gets me. Somebody gets me. Josh, tell us about your life. What do you do for work? I sell beef jerky.

Carne seca. I gotta make a living, dude. Comedy is a pain. How do you sell beef jerky? I sell at the flea markets and at farmer's markets. Wow. Yeah. This is incredible.

There's literally... Wow, the crowd's going wild. I think you've been recognized. Nine years in comedy, you're recognized more for your beef jerky than you are... for any jokes. Incredible. How often do you do it? Sell beef jerky.

No, stand up. This thing that we're doing right now. Every night. You do stand up every night. I try to come out every night. I live very far, so I go out on the open mic. It's tough, isn't it? What's tougher, stand up or your beef jerky?

Beef jerky. I'll tell you. That's harder to sell, fuck. Yeah. At least at the Mexican restaurants, they come ready to eat, so it's... Right. Yeah, that beef jerky sounds tough. Yep.

That's a joke I made 25 seconds ago. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I did. You missed it. You were too busy cooking up that tough beef jerky joke. You didn't notice that I did it. That yours came out dehydrated as hell. It's very dry.

Very dry. Absolutely. Absolutely. What's drier? Beef jerky or women's pussies when you're around them? It's about even. Yeah, exactly. That's the best.

Self-deprecating humor. Josh, what is the most embarrassing thing of your life that you wouldn't want to talk about on a live podcast if asked about it? I play... Fuck, embarrassing thing. No, you had it. That was it. You were about to do it.

I got you, dude. I'm gonna... Dungeons and Dragons, motherfucker, say it. What's the real one? I shitted my pants. That work. Well, we know you've been shitting your pants. First of all, even if that was the most embarrassing thing, I would say that the new most embarrassing

thing is that when asked about it on Kill Tony, you said that you shitted your pants. Saying that you shitted your pants is worse than actually shitting your pants. The pants you can change, you'll never get the word shitted off the internet now that you've sat at that. Tony, I shitted my pants. No shit. You talked about breakfast tacos, your slinging beef jerky all around town. It's a full circle of shitting and eating all that.

That's what my whole said. It's true. And the shitting part you do on stage, so... All right. I love it. Josh, people come in all different shapes and sizes. You get one of these new bones like, nice try, Kill Tony joke books. Ah, nice try.

Can you catch? Got it. There you go. Looking good. Josh Castro, everybody. Thank you. Let's keep it moving. We got a lot to get through tonight.

Oh, shit. He went that way. All right. This is definitely a new name. I would remember it if I've seen it before. Your next comedian goes by the name of Birkin Schimpf. Birkin Schimpf. What the hell?

It's a cool name. Birkin Schimpf. Birkin Schmimpf. I'll shoot you. Schimpf. Here comes Birkin, everybody. Hello. Hello, hello.

I'll just leave this here. Yeah. Well, I have a really old dog. He's like 17 years old. He's the oldest dog ever. He's pretty much the Joe Biden of dogs. He's like going sea and isle. He's kind of walking around.

He doesn't really know where he is. People ask me, wow, your dog's really old. How did you get him to stay alive this long? I just say, well, it's easy. We just feed him the same dog food that Joe Biden eats. It's pretty straightforward. Yeah. Yeah.

The dog food doesn't do much for the retention of cognitive faculties, but it sure does wonders for prolonged senility. When Russians see my dog, they think, we could probably invade Ukraine right now and get away with it. Let's try. Okey-dokey, Birkin. Yes. All right.

I love it. OK. Wow. Holy shit, Birkin. How's it going, man? It's all right. It's all right. Wow.

All right. You look like you just had the set that you had up on that stage. You look like you just got fucked up, dude. Thank you. Yeah. All right. So let's talk about it, Birkin. Is that your first time attempting stand-up comedy,

or have you been performing in restaurants for 13 years? I've performed in restaurants 13 times in the last year. OK. So what's the actual, you've been doing stand-up for? About a year. About 13 times. In Austin? In Wisconsin.

OK. You're visiting from Wisconsin? I moved here just a few months ago. OK. What made you pick Austin, Texas? I work at the factory of factories. The factory of factories. All right, Willy Wonka.

Jesus Christ. This factory is the factory that will build all the factories. If you're wondering where the factories get built, well, it's a special story. Come inside. Meet my friend Birkin Schimpf. How did you get a name like Birkin Schimpf? My parents were hippies, but not the cool kind.

OK. What do you mean by that? They were just like hippies that didn't smoke weed, but they just named me a weird name. Sober hippies. Yeah. Sober hippies. Yeah.

So you were named after the shoe? Sort of. It means birch tree in German. OK. All right. Birkin Schimpf. And is that new material? Is this?

Yeah, I knew. Quas I knew. OK. Do you have any, do you have like, you've been doing it, would you say just over a year? Yeah. Are you on any psychiatric medication we should be aware of? No, no.

Not that I know of. No, I'm not. I'm not. Embrace whatever that is. Whatever that crazy is. You got to. Yeah. No, about a year and not on any medications.

I took a double shot of vodka a little while ago. A double shot of vodka? Very interesting choice. A German drinking vodka. Are you sure? OK. All right, Birkin. Sorry.

All right. What's the most interesting thing about you? We just met you here a second ago. We all think you're kind of insane. I used to build mountain bike trails. And yeah, that's the most interesting thing about me. I don't think D-Madness gives a fuck that you made mountain bike trails. What made you want to do stand-up?

I like stand-up. There's this guy named Joe Rogan who seemed to be pretty cool. And he was doing stand-up. Is that what happened? Did you get nervous because Joe was up here? Were you pandering to Joe with your Joe Biden dog food jokes? Maybe. I'm not buying it.

No. Yeah, I like stand-up. Oh, I started watching Monty Python back in the early 90s and mid 90s. And yeah, love comedy ever since. OK. All right. You have a girlfriend? No.

Wow. No. Oh my goodness. Hey, Dunette. Why do you say that? That's the most confidence you've said anything with all night long. The answer to your question, Tony, is no. I don't.

Wow. The strongest no of all time. Yeah. He said he doesn't have a girlfriend like the fucking king of the in cells over here. No. Yeah, she's dead in his basement. It's been a hot minute. Deemphasis on the hot.

Wow. This sounds like the kind of guy that's listened to every Andrew Tate episode. You know what I mean? It's like, no, don't like women. Don't need them. I like that thing you're doing with the microphone. We're going around a little bit and see how it works. It works.

Yeah. That's a thing. OK. Burke, do you have any special skills or talents other than? Let's see. No. No. Wow.

I can mountain bike, but that's about it. I can build mountain bike trails. Why do you think you don't have a girlfriend? Why do you think when's the last time you've been with a woman? It's been a hot minute, Tony. What's a hot minute to you? Maybe a year or two. OK.

A year or two. Have you ever fallen down while you're on those mountain bikes? Once or twice, Joe. Once or twice. You ever hit your head? I can't remember. At least once, I guess. All right, Birkin.

Well, you're going to get another one of these nice try joke books as well. There he goes. Birkin Shimp, everyone. All right. Let's reach in here again. This has been, so far, a combined total of 10 years of comedy experience. We've pulled out of this bucket, believe it or not. But before we get to another regular, I want to see someone else.

OK. This guy writes jokes. I know that. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tim Warner, everybody. Tim Warner. There he is. Tim Warner, everybody. Well, I'm sober now.

Now, I'm starting to notice that being sober is kind of an unacceptable way of life, you know, especially in the comedy industry, an industry where comedians get applauded for being fucked up. You know, it's I'm on mushrooms. Well, imagine if we allowed that for other industries, you know, where it's like, hi, I'm Dr. Thomas. I'm going to be doing your surgery today. And I'm on mushrooms.

What? No. Oh, man, isn't the human body a fucking trip, man? Nurse, come here, look. That's his kidney. Aren't kidneys weird? They're neither a kid nor a knee. That's fucking weird, man.

So I'm in the program now. And when I say I'm in the program, that's the computer simulation we're all a part of. And I've done enough drugs to know we're not real. Thank you. Okay. Sam Warner. All right. Tim, how long you've been doing stand-up comedy?

All the time. Okay. Tim, you have to answer the question. 12 years. 12 years we've had in it. Yes, sir. 22 years of comedians on out of this bucket so far. Yep.

This is a special start of this episode, I must say. Absolutely incredible. Tim, how do you think that went? Better than last time. Holy shit. What the fuck happened last time? Oh, dude, it was after my dad died. I did a bunch of fucking dead dad jokes that I felt didn't go well.

And then you guys brought up everything my dad didn't like about me. So I just stared down at the ground and ruined the whole party. It was pretty brutal. Well, your dad would be proud if he could see you today. Ain't that the truth? Incredible, Tim. Have you ever thought about loosening the thing you have wrapped around your skull? Is that a recent brain injury?

You're the only one that's at least letting us see the bandages of your brain damage here tonight. Everyone else covered it up with hair and fucking... and birkin shim for whatever the fuck. Well, last time I had the mohawk with the fucking buns and now I just don't know what to do with my life. I love it. I love it. Tim.

Yes? You've been doing comedy for 10 years. How do you make money? How do I make money? I do Uber Eats. That's how I make money. Okay. You said that like you were lying about it, though.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I do Uber Eats. What do you want? No, it's just... I don't know. I guess I'm just...

I don't take that much pride in it, I guess. Okay. That's all. And what kind of car are you out there driving in an Uber Eats? I have a problem. I have really bad luck. I order food a lot and I have the worst luck. I will get these people.

When I order sushi or something, like a sushi tray, I'll get people on a bicycle. And I just know that it's vertically impossible to get me the sushi the way that it's supposed to come. These people are throwing shit in backpacks and everything now it is. Oh, I got a nice little Bucky's hot bag. Okay. What kind of car are you driving on?

Volkswagen Golf 2015. Okay. How many miles do you think are on that thing? No, there's 106,345. Wow. Look at you. Counting miles. No, there's a thing that actually does it for me.

I don't count them. Okay. Wow. Damn. It really is. Yeah. That's incredible. It really is a 2015.

I've never heard of a car that has a fucking... Just a reader, that's all. A payer attentioner. That's the odometer reading of a man that does not want to pay for his next oil change is what that is. It's coming up. It's 1200 miles, by the way. All right.

Tim, what do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? You're sober now. You're a stand-up comedian. Do it. I'm just... Honestly, that's a tough question because I'm going through the steps and I just did resentments and now I'm on fear inventory and the narrative I had about myself isn't

necessarily true, so it's been a whole mind fuck. So I try not to go out and ruin people's parties. I do a lot of hugging now because I know comics need hugs because they're a lot like addicts. They're all selfish and self-centered and self-seeking. So some of them don't know how to hug, so I'm just trying to help and give it service like they want me to do in the program. Yeah. I like that.

That's your best shit right there. Yeah. Do that. Yeah. Say what you just said. Yeah. That was real. We're squeezing it out of here.

Being the most real and clear that I've been in probably 20 years, I'm discovering this. I just don't necessarily know. I haven't gotten to where I can mesh the two together yet, but I'm getting there. But you can do it right there. Oh, yes. You got it. Conversation. Yeah.

I do have it. Just... But you can do it. No. You 100% can do it. Yeah. If you can do what you just did right there, especially after having a rough set. Yeah.

Dude, you've got it. You've got it. You've got to figure out how to do that all the time. I also have to finish my fear inventory because sometimes I get fucked up in my head if there's certain comics in the room and they book shows because I don't really get many shows. So I sit there like, oh, you got to be funny. Got to be funny. Then I'm not.

Right. And then I'm like, gosh, shit. The calendar's still empty. I'm a loser. And you go down that fucking tunnel and then you try to pray to God and fucking get yourself out of it. You know. Fucking brutal, dude.

This is incredible. He's getting warmer as the championship rounds are going on. I'm impressed. He does. You guys. You two guys. He's here in the deep, deep part of this interview getting funnier and funnier. You went from being all this guy's fucked to I'd see that guy do stand up.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Let me ask you this, Tim. It's funny shit, man. Thank you, sir. Are you ever funny during the meetings that you go to? Yeah. No.

Yeah. Yeah. What's happened there? Can you give us an, I know it's anonymous and everything, but can you give us an example of what's gone on at one of your. Well, all right. First of all, the thing is I don't go in like I'm going to do material, but, you know, they give a topic in the beginning, whether it's like a daily reflection or something

out of the big book, whatever else. And then I don't know. It sounds like it sounds like a show at the creek in the cave or something like that. All right. Here's what we're doing today. Tony's thing is, I will say like AAPDs and open mics. They're very similar. Yeah.

And like the only difference is that addicts are getting better. That's really. Amazing. Amazing. But I don't know. I get, I get inspired by the God as I understand it, which is an acronym I made up because I had a tough time or religion. So the acronym I made up was gratefully obtaining destiny because that's what I feel like I'm

doing by being clean. And so sometimes I just, I don't know, instinct is your true God. And so sometimes I'm like, Hey, I'm Tim. I'm alcoholic addict. Hi, Tim. And then I just talk and a lot of times I crush. At the meetings, you know, I don't know. You seem so much clearer now since the last time we saw you.

Yeah. Very, very much more clear. Yeah. Focus in. Today's, today's day 71. Was there something that. Yeah. Wow.

Look at that. Was fucking tattooed my sober date on my head. Was there something that you crashed and burned? Like was it something that happened that made you quit? After the last set I had here, I went on a seven month bender of doing almost anything and everything. Were the ones that caused that? Well, don't get cocky.

You know, I mean, you were nice enough. I think out of pity, I'm not going to speak for you, but you asked me to be on secret show. You put me dead last. I stood in a fucking corner up there by myself and then I fucking ate a dick where I still think I got scrotum on my chin. Where did I was like, well, I'm never going to get my dad's love. What?

What? What? So it was after the secret show? Oh, yeah. So he put you on the secret show and where do you think you should go up on a show when it's your first time getting. No, it's not that. No, it's not that.

I know. No, no, no, no, no, no. It was just that being last part that had nothing to do. I don't think I deserve any. No, it's not like that. It's just that's what happened. Right. I went last.

Right. And I don't think I should. Oh, put me first. It wasn't anything like that. It was just I went last. I fucking completely sucked. And that's when you get to see the audience leave and they just look at you like, oh, Christ, you know, like David tried to avoid eye contact.

And it's just like, gosh, shit. What am I doing with my life? I live in the car that I'm fucking doing over eights in. And it's that's why you know the odometer exactly. Ah, truth comes out. That's his television. That's the closest thing to a flat screen this motherfucker has. That's pretty good.

What's coming on next? Oh, one thousand four hundred and you know, I'd love to have you open the secret show Thursday. Do you have one of these yet? Tim, do you have a band? Do you have a big this time? I humbly would love to say that. I would love to, man.

Thank you. Do you have a big one of these yet? No, I don't. You don't have a big one. No, today's your lucky day, my friend. And then day 71, 104. These are unbelievable, by the way. Bones Eye makes these fucking things.

There's goddamn rolling papers in the back. Oh, he's sober. We should probably he'll roll up some cigarettes with them. Like a phoenix. He rolls from the ashes. Yeah. Late round fighter there. Beautiful.

A word of advice, Tim Warner, when you do that opening spot on Thursday, pretend like you've already been on stage for six minutes before you get up there. Start funny. Start funny and then wear down. Don't do the reverse. All right. Speaking of people that we've seen get showcased from this show, this young man was living in his van just a year and a half ago.

Now he's out fucking headlining his own shows, selling out all around the country. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the great Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Hey. What's up, guys?

My name is Hans Kim and I hate liberals. Liberals are the type of people that will pull down their masks so that they can hear you better. Megan Thee Stallion got shot on the foot, which wouldn't have been a big deal, but she is a horse. That's a putter down. It's Megan the glue stick now. So, yeah, I love the ladies. You know, I kind of feel bad whenever I'm hitting on a girl that's hot because I'm basically saying, girl, you're so hot.

I want to make your kids ugly. Come here. Let me ruin Thanksgiving's for you. All right. Thank you. Wow. The great, the powerful, the one, the only Hans Kim has arrived. Thank you, Tony.

To his sweet, sweet battle station. Just out here doing what you do, writing a new minute every week, executing, fucking doing it right down the barrel. Hans, how do you feel? I feel great. Thank you for having me. I have you every week, Hans. You're a regular on the show. You act like I met you on the sidewalk.

I'm like, hey, you want to come to a minute on my crazy show that I did? I love it. How you feeling this week, Hans? You just were on the road some more, huh? Yeah. I was on the road, you know, traveling around. I actually, you know, had a great moment on the road. I actually had a threesome.

Oh, wow. Look at you. Who's with another dude? I love it. What? Who's with a dude and a girl? Oh, my God, it was? Yes.

Oh, that makes it so much funnier. Thank you, God. Let's talk about it. All right. See, how did you meet these two? What's the deal? Did he slide into your DMs? This girl was, like, laughing annoyingly during the show.

And then I was like, hey, nice to meet you. And then she was like, you know, I can be loud for you tonight too. And I was like, oh, sure. Wait, she said this when you were still on stage? No, after the show. Oh, okay. The whole crowd was like, why is she laughing so loud? She's distracting the show.

But then I was like, hey, you know, she's just being, you know, that's how she laughs. I didn't think she was faking it. So I was like, oh, well, whatever. Not yet, at least. Later on, you would be singing a different tune. That sweet, sweet orgasm. So let's talk about it.

You met her at the meet and greet. When did she drop on you that she was with a man? That was a friend of mine. Wait a second. So you're rolling around with some dude just out there fucking. Yeah, I like to be nice to my friends. Oh my goodness. Wow.

So it wasn't a meet and greet at all. It was a meet and meet. Hell yeah. We got him, D. We got him on that one. All right. So you get back to the hotel. You're with your homie. Or did you guys go out drinking or something?

Yeah, she was at the bar and she was like, I want to get spit roasted. And I was like, oh my goodness. And you're like, I love Korean barbecue. Let's go. Are there any places open this late? We just did two shows. I could see you literally taking her to get fucking

barbecue after that. So spit roasted. So let's get into it. You get to the hotel. What happens first? Your boy takes off his pants. And then I start sucking him. No.

No. No, Hans. No. God damn it, Hans. No. I told you to not do that. Anymore. Yeah.

Anymore. That's my Tony hole. No. No, don't do it. What the hell? No way. Uh-uh. This is Hans-Gam.

This is Hans-Gam. You son of a bitch. Okay. So you get there. What happens? Give us the order of events exactly. And be honest. Give us honest Hans on this one.

So there were actually two other girls. We thought we were going to have an orgy. But I left early with the girl. And then we had sex. Regular missionary style. Okay. And then the dude was like, hey, I'm coming up. And I was like, oh, wait, was he on the phone?

Or was he like out the window or something? He called me. He called you. Yeah. And your phone rang. And then he shows up alone. I'm like, oh, I guess this is fine, you know. And it's just you and the girl.

And now your homie is in your room. What time of the night is this? This is around 1 a.m. to 1 30. Okay. Yeah. So, all right. So he shows up and you guys are fully clothed. Yes.

And then what happens? And then we're like, hey, we're going to go have sex in the bedroom. You're welcome to join. And then we were just having sex with the door open. And he was in the living room on the couch. And then eventually it was like, hey. Wait a second. Hold on a second.

So paint the picture for us. Are you still in missionary position and you're looking over and your friends slowly walking in like doggy style? What is this exactly? What's happening here? Well, I was eating her out. Oh. I was like, I should probably like, I don't want him to come in

and the first thing he sees is my asshole. Right. Then I switched to the fingering position. So she was closer to the door. I was fingering her and then she, he walks in and he's like, do I have your permission? Do I have your permission? Oh my goodness.

Wow. Oh my God. Wow. Holy shit. Your buddy. I like how he has a fingering position. It's like a jiu-jitsu move. He's like, he takes side control.

What are you saying? You have a fingering position? He's fingering. He's in fingering position here, Joe. All he has to do is get his leg over and he's having sex with her. What are you doing exactly? Yeah. Are you laying down next to her?

Yes. So you have like an arm underneath her and your right hand is doing the fingering? That time was with my left hand. Oh, the old switcheroo. I like how you show your technique. Oh my goodness. You know, the fingering position.

Okay. So you're in fingering position. Your friend walks in. He says, do I have permission? Do I have permission? Do you say yes twice? I just like, hey, you want to suck him off? And then she starts doing that and then I'm still fingering her.

Okay. Yeah. You're in. And then she's like, let's do the spit roast. Okay. And so she's like, and then we'd get do that. Mike Cox in her mouth. He's fucking her.

And then she's like, let me go find my butt plug. Oh, shit. This bitch had a butt plug in her purse. Wow. Oh my God. Joe, Joe, isn't this called airtight when this happens? Oh my God. So have you been tested for STDs since being back from wherever the fuck island you went

to for this? Jesus Christ. No. Have you spoken to this woman again? Yeah. She just texted me. What does she look like? She looks very beautiful, but she is autistic.

Wow. Wow. Another another girl that knows exactly how many miles on the odometer. Huh? Wow. And I'm guessing she has more than 104,642. Oh my goodness. Do you have any symptoms of anything like a girl that brings her own butt plug is fucking.

That's the final level, dude. No. Everything's fine. She had a butt plug, but you went no condom with her. No, she had her own condoms. Did you use the condoms? Yes. Hell yeah, he did.

He probably had them on his fingers when he was doing the finger position. It's like Edward condom hands over here. Hans, I fucking love it. You're always so interesting. I mean, that just happened. What this weekend? Yeah. There you go.

You're a fucking machine. I love you. A great written minute. Thank you. Great stuff all the way through. The great Hans Kim, everybody. He does it every week. He does it every week.

The boy does it every week. Not easy at all. All right. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there, huh? Tammy Bernal. Tammy Bernal is next out of the bucket. We're live on Kill Tony in Austin, motherfucking Texas.

Here we go. Make some noise for Tammy Bernal, everyone. Well, hi, y'all. I'll tell you, I'm wearing these jeans tonight because when I tried them on, I could not get them back off. But I will admit, I'm feeling a little sexy. Shaved about three inches of my legs. You're welcome to look, sir.

But I do have some exciting news. I just got engaged. Yeah. I mean, it would be exciting if it was true. I just wanted to know what it would feel like to say that. Y'all, I'm actually so single that I recently paid for a massage just so somebody would touch me. And when I got there, the masseuse asked me some questions. It's like, ma'am, are there any areas you'd like us to avoid?

No, sir. Ma'am, are there any areas you'd like us to focus on? Mm-hmm. As a matter of fact, my name is Tammy Bernal. And if you liked what you've seen here tonight, I would love for you to follow me on Facebook, Instagram, or maybe out to the parking lot. All right, Tammy Bernal.

Hell yeah. I know who Hans is fucking tonight. Holy shit. It's right there for you, Hans. You're saying, no, you're turning down Hans. Yeah, I'm not into comedians. Dating them, no. Oh, okay.

Well, I don't think he's into nerdy cougars, so you're good. I think you guys are even Stevens there. Tammy, how long have you been doing stand-up? This month makes four years. Four years of stand-up comedy. Yes, sir. Oki fucking doki. Where at?

San Antonio area. Okay, what do you do for a living? I work from home for an education company. We partner with universities to help them build online programs. Right. And how long have you been single for? The majority of your set, you talked about being extremely single? Well, like, no relationship, probably like five years.

Yeah. And you've never been married? I was married a long time ago. Okay. What happened with that? I just wasn't feeling it. He was a good guy, but I just wasn't feeling it. Okay.

Yeah. And so five years since your last relationship, what's your dating life like? Is there like a site for people like you or something? Oh, there's a whole bunch of them. Yeah. I probably tried them all except for farmers only. That's this year probably. Are you using any of them?

Oh, I use many of them. Yeah. So like when's the most recent date you went on? Like online date or just date date? You mean, I mean, like go out and meet somebody that you met either online or whatever you're talking about. Well, you can meet people in the real world or you can meet them online October actually. So it's been a couple months.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. So what happened on that date? First of all, what site was that? PBS. That was actually in real life. I mean, this one.

PBS red dance. Well, you listened to the public broadcasting too? Me too. You want to get a hot tea sometime? Okay. I'll shave the, I'll shave two inches of my legs for this one. Okay. So what site was it?

Where'd you meet this guy? Well, I met him in real life. In real life. So you're just standing where? At a library? It was actually at a comedy show. A comedy show. Yeah.

And he's a fan. He walked up to you. You were really funny. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Did you notice that he was laughing obnoxiously loud during your set? Thankfully not, but he was very cute, but he was like a little too young.

Right. So it was fun for the month of October, but we had to move on. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. How young was he if you had to guess? Oh, I know. He was 30.

Ooh, 30. Yeah. Okay. And I'm not. That's too young for you. What age of guy are you like looking for? Well, the older I get, the people that are my age seem too old. So probably like 35-ish and up would probably be okay.

Okay. 35-ish and up. What is a 30-year-old not have that a 35-year-old does have? Well, this one didn't have a real job. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's not an option with you.

Yeah. Mama Bear says you got to get it working out there. You know what I'm saying? You're not staying at my place anymore. So the 30, was he good in bed? The 30-year-old? He was. Right.

You got to give him that. Yeah. Right? Yeah. 100%. I'll give him that. Indeed. You're like, the guy fucks good, but I want to settle down a little bit is what you were

thinking. Well, he actually started kind of liking me. Ooh. And I knew that I wasn't going to go anywhere, so I had to cut it off. Okay. Yeah. What's your living situation like? I'm guessing two cats.

One cat. Thank you very much. One cat. Wow. Rest in peace, scribbles. A recent death in the family. Am I right? Did you have two cats at one point?

She's been my only one ever. All right. The only one ever. Yes. What's his name? Her name is Bristo. Bristo. Bristo, yes.

Bristo. Why Bristo? Bristo with a B. Prisbo. Bristo? Bristo. B-R-I-S-T-O. Oh, Bristo.

Bristo, yeah. Oh, that's a weird name. Yeah. It was after Alias, Sidney Bristo was the main character in Alias back in the day, and I loved that show, so I named her after that. Oh, wow. Yeah. I am surprised you're not here protesting this show right now.

This is incredible. This is absolutely incredible. I love it. It's awesome. You love it? I do. Okay. How do you guys feel about the comedy styles of Tammy Bernal?

No, I'm asking my guest here, Joe Rogan and Jetsky Johnson. Not you fucking liars out there and started clapping a second ago. You are a little stiff on stage, and I think that just translates because you really do need to get fucked. Thank God she said that. I was like, how do I put this? I don't want to be rude. Fair, fair.

Tammy, let me ask you something. Have you ever been with a black man before? I've never prescribed this before in the show's history. Normally I say you should do this show or this tag or this joke, but I think Jetsky's kind of onto something. Have you ever been with a black man? I've had a lot of offers. A lot of offers.

Let me tell you something. I think it's time to take one of the offers. I think it's time. You see John Dees back here? That's a man playing a bass guitar and a keyboard at the same time. That's pretty impressive. You see that? He's over the age of 35.

Yes. Anywhere is black socks with white shoes. That's bold. I like that. Okay. You're straight for the fucking, you spot things that most ladies don't give a shit about. Oh no.

Tony, you're so picky for a lady that's running out of time to find somebody. Even I can't believe I said that. It's so funny. Sometimes I surprised myself on this show. You would think nine and a half years I'd run out of shit like that to say, but no, black white shoes. So he's out for Tammy Bernat. What's something wild about you?

You feel so proper. You feel like a woman that sort of has her stuff together. But what's a wild thing about Tammy that we would be surprised to find out about you? Something you do or something you're into, something you go to. There's got to be something. Because I can tell there's a wild side to you. There's bondage or something. Like you get home and you put fucking briscoe in his pen or whatever and you take off your

glasses and you fucking shake your hair out and the fucking, what is it? Did he say I was a teacher for 15 years? That's true. Good eye. Oh, okay. Well, I talk more about it in my full set. So you're going to have to book me on another show and then you'll hear all about it. No, that's not going to happen.

I promise you that. That's a shortcut to fucking. Are you worried that someone from the schools that we're going to see you do stand up? No. No? No? No. Yeah.

Why not? Why work for her? Why are you so confident? This lady's fucked if they're going to catch her. Yeah. I was a teacher for 15 years, but now I work for a private company from home. You're safe. But they know it and they're all for it.

They're supportive. All right. All right, Tammy. Well, nice to meet you. Congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Thank you. Here's a little joke book for you. Are you going to catch it?

Oh, no, that's intense. Just try to catch it. Oh, you suck, Tammy. You unathletic bitch. Get this unathletic bag of bones out of here. I'm kidding. We love you. There she goes.

Tammy. All right. This bucket has been treacherous tonight. All right. Back to the bucket we go. There's got to be something that's going to happen here. Make some noise for Nicholas Sopaglia, everybody. Nicholas Sopaglia.

It's a wild bucket tonight. Wild bucket tonight, folks. Nicholas Sopaglia. Here he comes. He's been on this show before. We'll see what happens here. Nicholas Sopaglia, everybody. Make some noise for Nicholas.

I just went home recently, and my brother has a two-year-old daughter, and they found out that she has autism. And his wife was really upset when I asked when they planned to put her down. I'm new to Austin. I love when it rains here, because it keeps all the homeless people under the bridge where they belong. Like, every time they asked me for money, I asked if they could

break a hundred. Yeah, I know it's fucked up most of the time. They can. Nicholas Sopaglia. Now, here's what I love so far about tonight. Both Tim Warner and Nicholas are the only two people that have been on this show before, and it is not always gone great, but yet you guys are proving that you're getting better.

You could agree that that was your best set you've ever had on this show, correct? Yeah, it was better than the first time. Right, exactly. Indeed. So it gives hope for the other people that you saw here tonight as my point. Nicholas, so how's it going?

Remind us of everything. How long have you been on stand-up? About eight years now. Where are you from? Fresno, California. And how long have you lived in Austin? One year. One year.

What do you love? Let's say I got here about a year ago. I got on shortly after I moved here. Right, exactly. What do you love about Austin, Texas? I've been here a year. I really do like that it rains a lot here. The Central Valley and Fresno doesn't get much rain at all,

so it's pretty nice. And then I just like how open everything is, got good food, lots to do. I like to go to the park and just go walk around like the river through, you know. Okay, I was going to hire you to be a tour guide of Austin, but it turns out I'm not really liking what I'm getting. What do you do for work, Nicholas?

I had a couple jobs while we were going to work at Gold's Gym for a little bit, and then I was like going out and hustling, going door to door, washing windows on homes for people like cleaning their house windows. And I just got a new job. I start on the 9th. What's the new job?

It's a sales position at a logistics company. Okay, do you know what you're doing? I'll basically be selling like... They're like, hey, anybody got any window washing experience? We got some logistics we got to do here. No. I'll basically be selling freight costs to different companies,

shipping their products all over the country. It sounds like a much more important job than washing people's windows. Yeah, when I moved here, I had my savings and I just took a year off from having a real person job, but it's time to... What do you do for fun around here?

I've been working on a lot of podcasts and just hanging out with people doing comedy, doing mushrooms and acid from time to time and just enjoying being awesome. There you go. That explains why you've been walking around parks so much. Yeah, probably. You didn't mention that part when you said

like a pedophile that you walk around the parks when I asked you what you do for fun. That makes more sense. Mushrooms and parks are fun. Yeah. I know a guy that makes mountain bike trails. Yeah. What's something wild about you that we don't know

that we would find interesting, say if you were on like a live podcast or something like that? Well, we've like mentioned it last time. It would kind of briefly went over it. Like I used to pick up dead bodies for a living. Ah. I used to work for the coroner's office

back in Fresno when I was like... Enough about your dating life already. Let's talk about it. All right. And that's what you did for work? I did that for a little while. Yeah, it was pretty interesting. How much did that affect you

seeing that many dead people? It probably affected me. It definitely made my sense. It seems like it affected you. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Yeah. You have a dead pan delivery.

Yeah. You took your time this time, I think, is one of the big differences. You've been doing a lot of spots. Yeah, I've been working pretty regularly. At least a few times a week. I get a spot. And Brian's been able to hook me up

with secret show spots from time to time. So you're a year into it, right? Stand up overall or just Austin? Just Austin. You said eight years. Eight years, yeah. So if you could give advice to yourself eight years ago, what would you tell that Nicholas Sapeglia?

I'd probably tell him never to invite friends to an open mic. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah, just solid advice. Invite him to shows, but open mics for me, for practice. Right.

When was the last time you saw a dead body? It was in 2012 when my stepdad died. Oh, jeez, Louise. All right. No, but I mean, like, take all the joke books. My question was, I want to know, like, who has you've gone further from, like, being around dead bodies all the time?

Has it changed you? No. I mean, it gives me a more appreciation of, like, life and having fun and experiencing more things and just not taking things for granted or people. And, you know, because you never know when, just like that someone could die. Right.

Being around people that are dead, just seeing it does end. You don't want to believe it, but it does. Yeah, it definitely makes you, like, notice that the body is more of, like, a shell. Because, I mean, I actually, while I was working there, I actually picked up a kid I went to high school with that I actually knew.

I didn't, like, wasn't, like, really good friends with them, but just saw him around school a bunch and had maybe, like, one or two classes. But then, like, when I saw him, I was like, oh, that's Alex, but it's not Alex. Wow. It's kind of weird, you know. What's the story about that?

Like, did he bully you or anything? Does that be pretty crazy if he used to shove you into lockers? And now, all of a sudden, you know what I mean? Yeah, no. No, he was just a kid that, like, we had a couple mutual friends, but we were never all that close.

All right. So, I mean, sorry, it wasn't that juicy, you know. You already have a big joke book? I do, I have one. Hey, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, man. Nicholasa Pigley, everybody! You get to see people get better on this show if you watch all the episodes.

It's pretty crazy. It's a very, very interesting thing. If you keep doing it, you tend to get better. Speaking of which, this guy is one of the veteran regulars on the show, one of the best comedians, writers, and roasters on planet Earth. He's an Austin, Texas resident. We love him.

Makes some noise for the one and only David motherfucking Lucas. It's the real guy. Yeah. I be having high thoughts without smoking weed. Like, I be thinking, like, what if a gay guy put a pocket pussy in his ass? And then I fuck it.

Do that make me gay? Like, I did fuck his asshole. I fucked the pocket pussy that was living in his asshole. I want to know, like, after a girl has an abortion, how long is it appropriate until you eat her pussy? You know what I'm saying? I say, like, six months. You know what I mean?

Anything earlier than that is just, like, desecrating the grave, you know what I'm saying? I ate this one girl pussy who had just had an abortion like two weeks ago. And when I was eating her pussy, I could hear babies on the inside crying. Abortion pussy is like a seashell. You can put your ear up to it and hear vacuum cleaners.

The winner's... But you got a Dyson in your pussy. What the fuck is... All right, guys. Hell yeah. David Lucas. I fucking love it. Yeah.

Always amazing. Yeah, there's a woman on stage, a man, and then another woman. Oh, David, come on. The holidays are over. Why are you wearing the Christmas tree skirt as a shirt right now? Tony, you're dressed like Ellen DeGeneres' strap-on.

Your ass rests on a dresser when you're not being used. I can't believe that you're talking, making fun of what I'm wearing when you're wearing something that your mommy got you for Christmas right now, dude. It's so obvious, that post-Christmas gift. Tony, you shot champagne out of your ass for New Years. I heard of an AIDS quilt.

I've never heard of the diabetes quilt. That's amazing. You son of a bitch, I see you. I use your line. I thought the diabetes quilt was just made out of McDonald's and Appkins, but fucking, here you are rocking it. I've seen you in one of the HIV commercials

around the bi-circle. I saw you in one of those KFC commercials eating out of a bucket. Ligatoni, boy, got a rainbow tattoo on his lower back on a gay-ass nigga. You just say rigatoni, or you having fucking low blood sugar flashbacks right now or something?

Did you just call me rigatoni? Hey, Tony, I subscribe to your OnlyFans for Christmas. That motherfucker OnlyFans, $15. Man, I see that nigga sit on a Coke bottle. What do you think a better price point would be for that? I mean, that seems fucking pretty giving. It was a holiday special, all right? Oh, my God.

Hell, yeah. And it was a Mexican Coke bottle. That's an even taller one litre. I fucking love it. What did you do for the holidays? Anything special? Chill with my kid, man, you know. What you did?

Sit up under the mistletoe with your ass out? I ain't this way, guys, over here. I ain't come over here. I use baby wipes. What the fuck? Yeah, boy. You think that's what I did? Yeah, you look like you'll sit on top of a Christmas tree,

nigga, your ass. You start... You're gonna be pissed off, man. You're gonna be pissed off. I'm gonna be pissed off. I'm gonna be pissed off. You're gonna be pissed off. I'm gonna be pissed off.

I'm gonna be pissed off. You look like you'd sleep under one. After that sweet, sweet Christmas dinner, we just had New Year's Eve here. That was a lot of fun. We fucking double-roasted the audience. We did a crazy thing. Tony had his zipper on the back of his tuxedo pants.

Oh, my goodness. That is not true. That is not true. Hey, motherfucker, went to the bathroom 15 times on New Year's Eve. No. No, I would not... That motherfucker shook a topochico bottle up and put it in his ass.

Wait a second. That's... The bottle's up and ass things, really hurting my feelings. You the only nigga that go to Yellowstone to sit on hot water. That motherfucker take the temperature. It's a cool 138th Fahrenheit.

Speaking of hot, you're sweating bullets up here tonight, huh? What's going on, dude? I got Cedar fever, man. You're kicking my ass right now. Cedar fever? Yeah. What?

What? Is that... Obesity? Is that what you're talking about? Cedar fever. It's not like HIV. You don't... You don't got to watch your surroundings.

Oh, my goodness. David Lucas. What have you been doing for fun lately? Anything crazy? Roasting your ass. Why you got them all black, nigga? I'm trying to figure that shit out. Like, you got to sneak in the night to fucking nigga.

I mean... We know it, bro. Just put on white so we can see you. You're saying I'm the one out of the two of us that can't be seen? Is that what you're trying to do? Tony, you look like the shadow of an eggplant. I mean, I was about to make the same joke about you.

I don't even know what to do now. I like how you bailed them out. I bailed them out. Fuck, that is it, bro. I love it. David, you're fucking killing it. You're absolutely unstoppable. Go treat your cedar fever with fucking bread

or whatever you're going to do. We love them. The one and only, David Lucas. DavidLucasComedy.com Everything David Lucas. He's the man. David motherfucking Lucas. Should we go back to this bucket, huh?

It's risky business, but let's try it. It's been a wild night. Make some noise for Katie Felton. Katie Felton. We're getting there. Katie Felton. Here she comes. These people wait all night for this opportunity.

Give them a hand when they get up here. Katie Felton is next. Happy New Year's, everybody. Thanks. My New Year's resolution is to get my nipples pierced. Thank you. I am an American hero. When I say that, though,

I think most people think it's for kinky reasons. It's actually for modesty purposes. I'm going to put a little curtain on that rod so nobody can see my areola. I like to smoke weed, though, so I put a beaded curtain on there when I get high, so people still know I'm cool. 2022 was a hard year.

I have depression. I wasn't sure if this was going to be my last year, but I like to be prepared, so I carry around my last wishes just in case anything happens to me. I'm going to put a beaded curtain on there. My last wishes just in case anything happens to me, and I brought them here today to share with you guys

if that's okay. Thank you. Jetski, would you like to pick a color? Your options are red, blue, pink or green? Pink, P, I, N, K. Your options are one, four, five and eight? I'll go with eight. A good choice.

To my friends, just because I saw no point to living doesn't mean you should, too. Thank you. My tragedy... My tragedy gives you a one-year pass for sympathy, sex. Good luck. Katie Felton.

There you go. Went a little long there, but we got it done. Welcome back to the show. You've been on here before, right? Yes. I've called you Amy Schumer Ultralight before. Correct. And this is my third time with Joe, so we have to stop meeting this.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Katie Felton. The universe loves fucking with Joe in that way, I guess. I guess so. Katie Felton. Very, very good. How's comedy going? How long have you been doing it? Three years. Four years in April. Three years. Four years in April.

All of it here in Austin? Correct, yeah. And this is where you're born and raised? No, I'm from Southern California, but I've been here for the last eight years. What made you move here eight years ago? You know, friends were out here and said, come on down, and I said, hell yeah.

Okay, you were getting bullied in Southern California is what's happening. I was living in New York, and I'm getting bullied in New York. Okay, all right, very cool. And what do you do for a living? Currently, I am an offshore manager, but I'm starting a new job in the new year. Okay, what's the new job that you're starting?

I'm going to be working for an AI company for quick service restaurants. So like when you call Domino's, you'll speak to a robot, and I'm going to help you do that. You're going to help people speak to the robot? Yeah. Well, I'm going to be setting up the robot

so they can take your order. Oh, that's cool. That makes sense, Jetski. Why don't you just take the order? Because that costs money. All right, so I'm going to assist you through this process here. That is a great question. Why wouldn't you just take the order?

Because that costs more money. You don't have to pay robots money. Right. She's just setting up the service so that it will work for the future. Okay. And you think that's where things are headed? Fast food's going to be a little bit faster?

Hopefully. They have technology for drive-thru, so if that could get going, that'd be exciting. Right, okay. Okay. Jetski, your thoughts? Well, do you think you'd maybe like

would program one of them to do something different? Like, fuck up everything. Or if your stone translates stoner language into an actual order, I can get on board with that. Okay. All right. And why are you dressed like a cantilope?

Just trying to get your attention. All right, that's not how the show works at all. I guess I get it. What's your love life like, Katie? I can't tell whether you... Did you fall out of David Lucas' pant leg when he was up here? I'm single.

Single? What kind of guys are you into? If you could show us a dream guy. What does that look like to you? I don't know. I don't really have a type. But, like, my celebrity crush is Ryan Gosling. Tattoos.

Well, welcome to another episode of That's Never Gonna Fucking Happen. Oh, my goodness. One can only hope that Ryan Gosling's out there being interviewed on some show right now. What's your dream girl? And he's like, I don't know. A cantiloped up sea otter?

I'm kidding. You don't look like a sea otter. I am kidding. I'm kidding. Three years ago, I wouldn't say that I was kidding, but now I have to say that I'm kidding. Right immediately afterwards or else they clip it and then they just fucking put it in a highlight reel

of me being mean to people. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Tony's getting jealous because his celebrity crush is also Ryan Gosling. That's true. That's true. Jetski knows.

This is true. I just can't get enough of that sweet, sweet Gosling. Okay, Katie, what's a wild thing about you? You seem so nice and timid and like, what's a wild thing about Katie Felton? I used to play roller derby. Ooh. Yeah.

I was the jammer, so that's the person that makes all the points. Okay. And I don't know if you're familiar, but in roller derby, you have like a nickname that they have to call you. Uh-huh. And my birthday is on St. Patrick's Day,

so I wanted something Irish, and I went with leprechaun. Ooh, okay. I like that. I like that. I like that. I would have gone with St. Patrick, but I'm in love with Ryan.

Oh, wait, Jetski said I was in love with him. Shut up. This is the show you bought tickets to, you animals. Katie, so much fun. You're a fucking trooper. You're always very, very good at taking the jokes. You've been on this show before. You have one of these big ones already?

Yeah, I do. Right. There she goes. Just working it out. Katie Felton with another new minute. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? All right. One more time.

Okay. We've seen this young lady before. Here she is with a new minute. Make some noise for Gina Hyena, everybody. A new minute from Gina Hyena. You guys still with us, huh? An uninterrupted brand new 60 seconds from Gina Hyena, everybody. Here she is, everyone.

I'm turning 36 this year, which is the grossest thing about me. And I want kids, but I can't afford a ramp in my New York apartment. So I think I'm going to have to adopt. I think that's a cheat code. The kids come with all the software downloaded. Like they know how to eat. They know how to sleep. They know how to do all that shit.

And I'm going to get one from out east because they're better. They're just better. Like your car is foreign. Check out Ling Ling. She's doing the dishes she's going to have my pants after. Let me know if you need anything. And I'm going to make it like a tomagotchi situation. Like my own little Pokemon.

Like I'm going to buy a plane ticket. I'm going to go right to China. Go right to the Apple factory. Get one from the suicide net. That's how you know he's the hardest worker. I'm not flying all the way over there for a fucking dud, okay? I actually found out this is very expensive. You'd think it would be cheaper, right?

I found it's very expensive to get a kid from China. So I'm just going to go a cheaper route. I'm just going to go down to the border and get one that's crate trained. Hell yeah. Gina. Hi, Gina. Welcome back on the show, Gina. Hello.

You've been here before. Yes, I have. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. It's been a while since I've seen you. Same thing. That was very, very good. Thank you. And remind us all, how long have you been on stand up?

Three years next week. Okay. Three years next week. And a lot of that was in New York? A lot. I started here and then most of it's in New York. And you still live in New York? Yep.

Okay. What is it about? Yep. Go ahead. It's your show. I'm just on it. I'm sorry. You were saying you come back here.

Every six weeks. Okay. Yeah. And why? Why? Why? So I moved here 2018. I was here until 2020.

The only reason I left is I lost my job during COVID. Right. And so you left for New York in what month of 2020? Exactly. August. So I'm just going to go straight to hell. Yeah. It was the worst.

Everybody here, y'all moved here like a month later and everybody was like, oh my God, we're seeing Chappelle and Rogan and we're just hanging out. And listen, I was like, I'm going to hang myself. Like I'm just in a New York apartment being sad. Right. Yeah. It was rough. Yeah.

That's insane. Yeah. So there you were. Were you able to do stand up comedy at all there? I was doing it in the subway every day. It was so sad. 4 p.m. Every day we're at the 86th Street station just talking to ourselves.

There's like five of us. Wow. Yeah. Shout out Steve Yensel. He just brought a dog and a little amp. Wow. And did you get vaccinated? You had to because you were in New York when the brainwashing was happening.

Oh, that is the look of someone that didn't get vaccinated but is on the record for being vaccinated. I know this answer. You have to speak no more, my friend. Why did you go to New York instead? It seemed like that's more expensive and you could have just stayed here. It was the only job offer I had. So I did.

What was the job? I worked for a mental health foundation. Yeah. So it was the only one I had. I had clout from medical sales there. I was there for 12 years. So I did it 10 years out there. Only job offer I had.

My lease was coming up here and I was like, I can't say no. I pay my own bills. So I had to go back. Okay. Yeah. So you come back every six. You still work that job? Yep.

Right. Yeah. It's based out of Denmark. So I just get a shit ton of PTO. They treat us like Denmark employees. What's PTO? Pay time off. Sorry.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I know. Sorry. Sorry. Oopsie daisy. Sorry, poor people. Sometimes I forget your peasant language.

Oh, pay time off. Oh, it's great. That's amazing. PTO sounds like something that I would be into if I was a normie. You know what I'm saying? Okay. So you're an amazing comedian for three years in. I got to say, I like to call you, behind your back, I call you Whitney Scummings.

Oh, I appreciate that. All right. I thought that was funnier than you should have done it earlier in the interview. Hold on to it. I wrote it down here. Whitney Scummings. I wrote it in cursive when you were performing, but I waited too long to do it. Now everybody likes you because you work for mental health and shit.

Yeah. But if I would have done it right after your 60 seconds, I would have been like, good set, Whitney Scummings. You would have gone better. Anyway. I'm also a volunteer crisis counselor. Wow. My goodness.

It seems like I would imagine just by looking at you, if I didn't know you, I would think that you're the one that needs all of that stuff. Yeah. The mental health, the crisis counseling. You do have coin purses on the sides of your boots. Those are Prada bag tumble yourself. Whoa. Those are Prada shoes.

And meanwhile you got PTO bitch. You know what I'm saying? Oh my goodness. What a meeting of the mind. Someone's spending their entire paycheck regularly. Keep being sad. Everyone is getting my fucking shoes. What's a special skill or talent that you have other than stand up comedy, Gina?

Anything interesting? Crisis counseling and being an angel. I'm really good at poker or MI. I actually love playing poker. Really? I've been playing it since high school. Absolutely love it. Yeah.

I like the whole like watching people trying to read, see what's going on or like watch somebody like fuck up a hand, then you're like, know them. I love it. Absolutely love it. Okay. Okay, Gina. What's your love life like? I've been celibate for well over a year now.

Wow. Another thing that I would not have guessed about you at all. I know. This is insane. This is insane. When I see purses on the sides of the boots, I'm normally like, what a slut. You know what I mean? Incoming.

Mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling. Yeah. I'll give it. I've been completely fucked over with. I dated a pimp in my 20s. We can go there. That'll do it. Yeah.

That'll do it. I also dated a pimp in my 20s. Yeah. Jetski. Oh, it's got to be hard to date. You got so much baggage. Yeah. Me.

That was, I like introduced him to my parents. It was like my most serious relationship. Wow. And he was like a legit pimp. Yeah. Did he dress like a pimp? Allegedly. No, he was half Jewish.

So he was very fiscally responsible about it. It was really annoying. A Jewish pimp. Yeah. Now, no paid time off with that guy. You know what I'm saying? Gina Hyena did it again with another new minute. There she goes.

Gina Hyena. I don't know. We should, right? All right. Let's put a ribbon on this fucking thing. The longest standing regular of all time. This man has done more brand new minutes than any man or woman has ever done in the almost 10 year history of the show.

A cold-blooded assassin that gets lugged around everywhere. By me, by Joe, by Segura, by Duncan Trussell. He's a fucking monster. And he's an Austin local comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. The real deal. The Memphis Strangler. And the gorilla.

Let's keep it going for Hans Kim, having sex with not only a girl, but also a guy. Holy shit. Jeremy Renner is in critical condition after the snow plow he was using ran over his leg. Wait, I thought that guy was like a superhero or something. I thought that guy was like a hawker or something. I hope everybody had a good New Year's. I've actually had a pretty bad week. I just found out I'm not going to be playing Gary Glitter in his new family channel bio.

He's like a convicted sex person in England at some point. Okay, let's... Mississippi just executed a convicted murderer and rapist. His last meal was fried pork chops, sweet potatoes covered in butter and peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream. Can you even imagine the cholesterol in all that? Holy shit. Holy shit. It's like nobody ever taught him to eat clean.

I mean, what's going... At least he's going to be full when he enters the gates of hell. I'm sure Barbara Walters and Pope Benedict the 16th will be right there to greet him. Okay, that's my tie, I think. Boom! A minute and a half. A brand new material from the man who has done it the most. Dude, there's something with that last one.

That's fucking good. There's something there. That's good. There's something to that. Cool, thank you. Yeah, I was... I recently got this volcano vaporizer. I think I brought that up.

But man, I do that thing to 200 degrees Celsius and I get high as shit and then... Luckily, he wrote that earlier. I was having panic attacks. I'm like, I'm not going to be able to have a minute ready. That happens a decent amount. Well, luckily, he hit the bag, drank some coffee and... I was like, who died recently? I was like, holy shit, Barbara Walters the Pope?

Oh, perfect. Perfect. And you... No, seriously, perfect. I can't stand the fucking Papal System. Papal System. Papal System. All right.

But yeah, luckily, came up with that stuff. I started Ghost of Tsushima again. I'm planning on playing that game again. So we'll see how that goes. I was actually trapped in the airport for a couple of days. I was flying Southwest back to Memphis. I literally lived at the airport like the Tom Hanks movie. I literally...

I swear to God, I was living in the Dallas airport. Sir, why are your fucking arms crossed like that and you're looking at me weird? Are you not believing me right now, you piece of shit? Can you even imagine how excited I was when I found out the fucking Pope died? The Big Red Machine. He's probably fucking Catholic. He looks like a fucking Catholic, dude. Piece of shit.

He's trying to have fucking fun tonight, dude. I've been on edge all fucking day. So William, what did you do to kill time at this airport? It sounds... You seemed like a different person since you were stranded at the airport. I see you every week. Yeah, I drank a bunch of Jamba Juice. I was playing my Bloons Tower Defense 6 game on my phone.

I read The Catcher and the Rye three times. Oh my goodness. Yep. Olden Caulfield. It's a perfect Christmas book. It's a perfect Christmas book. Wow. Yeah, he's going back home for Christmas, but he's also...

He got out... Yeah, I literally read it three fucking times. It took me the entire time at the airport. I was there for 48 hours. I read it three times. I was having a nervous break. Incredible. Incredible.

You opened your set tonight talking about Hans's threesome, which, as we know, was with another man. What do you think about what the young Hans Kim did this past weekend? What are your thoughts on having a threesome with another man involved? I think it's pretty cool. I mean, he was saying he tasted the guy's dick when he was... When they were kissing. Yeah, he got into very graphic details up in the green.

He told you that in the green room. So he's given up. What else did he say? Give us some more of what Hans didn't want to reveal on stage. Well, they were... At the very beginning, they were doing rock, paper, scissors to see who's going to pound out that pussy first. Hans lost.

Best out of three. Hans lost. So the guy put his penis in her first, and then Hans was watching, and then they shook hands when they traded off. Wow. Hans got up in that fucking nasty pussy. That's what he was calling.

There was this nasty thing that he was getting up in. But yeah, it sounded like they were having fun. I mean, I think I would like that camaraderie with somebody. I think I'd like to share that kind of camaraderie with somebody else. Interesting. And if you could... Because you have a girlfriend, if you could pick one person to bring into the bedroom

and have sex with you and your girlfriend, what type of guy would you be into, William? Weirdly enough, I think I'd bring Red Band. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. I could see how that would work. I'm just kidding, you fat piece of shit! You son of a bitch!

Holy shit! You dumboose! Come on! I think it's a good... You're that fucking stupid... Come on. I cannot... Piece of shit.

I think it's a good move having Red Band in on the threesome. This way, if you're going to come too fast, you could just look over at him and... Well, Tony, we're pretty much doing that now. Red Band honestly got an Oculus VR thing. I think we're about to honestly start double-debating in the Metaverse. He literally got it for me. I charged it up last night.

Oh, wow. So you're going to do some VR. Yeah, and I got dizzy as shit immediately. Red Band, how do you do that ten hours every night? I swear to God, I was immediately dizzy in that fucking thing. I don't know how you do it. Just take it slow, man. Take it slow.

Okay. Like I will with your girlfriend. Oh, my goodness. Red Band is threatening to have sex with your girlfriend. You brought him into the threesome, and now you got to take him out. Yeah, I mean, you're kicked out of here, man. You have to fucking leave my apartment right now.

I can't believe you actually showed up. Can I just do a little? Just rub it on the outside? Just a little? Rub what on the outside? Rub what on the outside? Oh, God. Rub what on the outside?

Oh, my God. What are you, outside of what? What are you talking about? I almost threw up a little bit just then. That is so disgusting. William, let's paint the picture here. Let's say after all this, you come home late one night, one of your sets here, right?

Yeah. You do almost every night. You get, you put the key in the door, you open the door, and there's Red Band with your girl bent over, just going to town. No, no, no, no, no. Let's just say you walk in and Red Band's just going to town, going there, slow pumping.

Just, yeah, slow pumping. That's how he thinks sex looks. He's just grabs her by the shoulders and just keeps chest bumping her. What do you do? I see. What do you do? Is there a weapon?

Is there something you say? I think initially I'd be horrified that the lava lamp was on. I just picture Red Band. He would have the lava lamp on. I think I'd be horrified that he would do to me like that, that he would turn the lava lamp on, and then I would. You love your lava lamp very much, don't you? Yeah.

Yep. It's one of your favorite things, isn't it? Yeah. What's your favorite part about having a lava lamp? I can just tell the bubbles start expanding. They get to the top. I mean, I swear to God, it is the most exciting fucking thing. I've ever personally witnessed just how the fuck,

they just start like hot lava. I like sitting on them. Sitting on them was my answer. And I have a new tier $30 a month on my only fans. You can see me sit on a lava lamp. If you're sick of the Coke bottles, and you have more than $15 a month to spend, I highly recommend.

We're going lava lamp. William, anything else happened since the last time we saw you? You were literally stranded at the airport during the taping of last week's episode, so. Just had, I had a very nice Christmas back home with my family in Memphis. It was very pleasant. We loved the Montgomery's.

A lot of people said guest of the year, 2022, the parents. They were fun. I was a little scared. I was nervous, but it worked out. It seemed fun. I noticed something. Every time you hang out with your parents,

they always make you cut your hair. But this time, you have a full beard and a full hair. Yeah, they let you. Yeah, no shit. I am not fucking. I swear to God, I am done with Larry and Francis telling me to fucking shave my beard, shave my hair.

When I go back to Memphis, I swear to God, I'm sick of it. It's been, I'm 35, about to be 36. It's the last fucking year that I did it. It was last year, the last year. I'm not listening to their shit anymore. It's. But every time they tell you to do it,

you just say, yes, let's practice right now. So let's say you walk in and I'm Mr. Montgomery, right? And I go, William. William, we got to get you to shave that beard. Papa. Papa, stop. Papa. Now, William, you got to do it.

It's scruffy. It's not professional. I know that Tony and Red Band say that it's funny and that it makes you have a perfect comedy head and that's the business that you're in. But I think you should shave it. I'm 35 fucking years old. I'm not living under y'all's fucking roof anymore.

I'm out of here. I'm officially moving out next week. I'm moving out of y'all's fucking house. I'm sick of this shit. You're not going to make me stay at this house. I'm 35 fucking years old. I swear to God, I'm going to walk down the driveway and you're never going to fucking see me again.

No, you're staying here. I'm not staying here. Yeah, you're going to stay here. I'm sick of living under y'all's roof. I'm leaving. You can't make me stay here, mama and dad. I'm a hockey player now. You know I'm a skating.

The big, the red, William Montgomery everybody. And like that, we did it again. The red rose, the yellow rose, D-Betty Vodka and Shell Blaster. Make some goddamn noise for our guests. Joe Rogan and Jesse Johnson. And how about one more time for the band? That's Michael Gonzalez, John Dees, D-Madness, Matt Mueling and Paul Deemer. The drawing is in from Ryan J. E. Belt and it is fucking unbelievable

with both Joe Rogan and Jetski Johnson in the mix. Cool as fuck. He drew that during tonight's episode. There it is up there. Blown up. These prints are all available at RyanJBelt.com. He's drawn every episode since we started the show in front of six people in the belly room of the comedy store

nine and a half plus years ago. That's it. We did it. Love you guys. The official Kill Tony after party starts now. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.