KILL TONY - #593 - ANDREW SANTINO + IAN EDWARDS + KIM CONGDON + SARAH WEINSHENK

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

Andrew Santino, Ian Edwards, Kim Congdon, Sarah Weinshenk, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/09/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—TALKSPACE! – As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code TONY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show. That’s TONY and talkspace.com.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for it, Tony! Who's waiting at the best goddamn night of the lives, huh? Hey, good to see you. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody.

Hey, everybody. This is Kill Tony. I'm glad to hear by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, motherfucking deep eddie vodka, gel blaster and screwball peanut butter whiskey. How about a hand for the band, everybody, huh? Michael Gonzalez, the great Paul Deemer on the horns, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. And that's D. Goddamn Madness right there, live in the flesh every Monday. So much fun.

We have a very, very, very fun episode ahead of us and we're going to have a fucking lot of fun before we do. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. You might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian.

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As the show is about to begin, you must be wondering, I wonder who's going to be there tonight. I wonder who the guests are. I wonder what band members are going to be there. Perhaps it's the great Paul Deemer on the horns or Matt Mueling on the electric or Michael Gonzalez, one of the consistent backbones of the entire operation. You know, finding the type of team that I want to work with every week is not easy. And I have to ask, are you hiring? What type of role are you hiring for?

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ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Now, normally, usually, we only have one or two guests on the show. You guys came on an extremely special night. Four people that I have worked with fucking forever. The two original regulars of the show. The guy with the brand newest Netflix special. And one of the most badass fucking paid regulars in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Andrew Santino, Ian Edwards, Tim Condon, and Sarah Weintraink. And Drew motherfucking Santino. Yeah. Cheeseburger on Netflix right now. Tim Condon, Sarah Weintraink, the first two regulars in the history of the show. And Ian motherfucking Edwards. Oh, shit.

It's a goddamn comedy mafia here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The first two regulars in the history of the show. Nine and a half years ago, Kim Condon and Sarah Weintraink had the unheard of job of having to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. How about a hand for Sarah and Kim, everybody? They're in New Arizona, January 27th. Check out their podcast, This Bitch. Down there at the end, the great Ian Edwards is here, everybody.

Comedy store paid regular fucking monster. I spent goddamn fucking Jesus fucking goddamn 10 years having to follow this motherfucker. Absolutely killing in the original room of the comedy store. Welcome, Ian. What's up, man? Good to be here, man. This shit is wild. Fuck yeah. We're in it. And literally right now you can't even make it up. They're basically uploading it right now.

The brand spanking newest Netflix special, Cheeseburger. Andrew Santino's here. Bad friends. Fucking whiskey ginger. You guys know what the fuck is up. We've been doing this gangster shit for a long time. All four of you have been guests on this show before. You all know how it works. If anybody new is visiting here, well, a bunch of people signed up

for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull their name out of the bucket, you know their 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Very good. Red Band has three jobs to do. And he's two for three today, which is actually pretty good.

You're doing pretty good. I love it. We're going to have a lot of fun. We have regulars that write and perform brand new minute every week, just like Kim and Sarah used to do nine and a half years ago. It's crazy. They have full-blown careers. You guys had a big sold-out stand-up show here on Friday night.

I did your live podcast afterwards. Big, crazy fucking crowds. It's so amazing to see you guys, you know, flying out on your own. No longer needing the sweet, sweet nest of Kiltoni. Stop telling people it was nine and a half years ago because they're going to be like, oh, they're in their 30s. Yeah.

Yeah, you is right. We have new regulars, so you're going to see them throughout the show. We also have a goddamn golden ticket winner here. If you guys know what that means, that means we found a live one. He's here, made the long trip to be here, and it ain't a long trip from fucking Louise, you know what I'm saying?

A real long trip. So let's do it. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? How many of you are fans of the show? How many of you love awesome shit? In that case, let's start the show with one of our regulars. This guy went from living in a van to being an absolute baller doing sold out headlining shows all around the country.

All he does is sell out now. This is Hun's camp. Hey, what's up guys? I'm Asian. I'm so Asian, my favorite fast food restaurant is Petco. I'll have a Doberman and a side of Chinchillas, please. I'm hard at work on the next pandemic. All these nerds trying to change the world with an app. I got something in my gut that's going to make white people wear masks again.

But yeah, love eating. I was at a restaurant once and I got a burger so bad, I ordered another one just to practice making it again. Pretty crazy times. Andrew Tate is in jail. Doesn't look like he's going to get out anytime soon. His only hope is if Elon Musk buys Romania. It's going to cost $8 a month to be Romanian for now on.

Alright, thank you. Alright, Hun's camp coming in. Talking about Petco and Andrew Tate. Let's talk about it. What the fuck are those pants, dude? What is going on over there? There, I googled cool clothes. Oh, shit.

There you go. Oh my goodness. So is this how you dress now? How many things like that did you get? I got a sweater coming. It's tactical. A tactical sweater. What are you planning on filling your tactical sweater with?

Marijuana, condoms. You made a joke about going to Petco and eating animals. What is the craziest thing you've ever eaten? Probably squid, live squid. Live squid, okay, yeah. They're cut up but they're still moving around. If you put oil on it, they start doing it more because of chemicals. Alright.

Okay. These people are going to take over the world someday. It's unbelievable. It's going to be pretty standard. You all have eaten live squid. It sounds like the most undelicious thing I've ever heard anybody do. Incredible Hun's. I don't know you.

I've never met you but you're very fucking funny. And I've liked watching you but I've seen you get, now you look like you have money after the show. You look like you got money, dude. You look very good. Very, very good. Very, very good. Alright.

He likes his Asians. I like my little Asians, alright. You're a little thin for me but you know. You start stuffing you like a fucking duck. You come by LA. Let me know. I love it. Hun's, how do you feel tonight?

Amazing, I've been on a sexual tear recently. Ooh, tell us about it. Is that why you got those pants so we can't see the cum all over them? Buckets of white drops everywhere. I feel like if you make them cum you get a fortune. Oh shit, D-Madness loves it. Hell yeah, D-Madness hates Asian people. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Hun's, tell us about some of these sexual activities. I had a pretty intense make out session on Thursday. Wow, are you 11? I'm just catching up. What makes it an intense make out session? She was willing. She was awake. These guys have flashbacks of the LA riots.

I think it's Flash Blacks is what he's having. I don't think he's... Okay. I love it. Hun's, tell us more. So an intense make out session? Yeah, she eventually was like, you say this to all the girls and then just left. So yeah, she wants something unique and special I guess. Not something everyone else feels.

What do you say to her that she thinks you say to all the girls? Like something nice. Do you remember what it was? Not really, just like, oh you're so hot, I want to be with you. Was it, I'll never tell anybody about this? Yes. Hey baby, do you know Joe Rogan? Hun, I like your story, but you used to live in a van?

Yeah. I feel like you stole a black person's story. And their pants. So this heavy week of sexual activity and all that we got out of you was an intense make out session? I had two intense make out sessions. One yesterday with a local girl. Okay. Wow.

What's a local girl? What does that mean? Someone from Sixth Street? Like one of these vagrants from Sixth Street? She's actually from Deep West, which is a classy neighborhood. Okay. I'm more interested in why they stopped at make out. Yeah, good question. Why did it end up making out? They just, you know, they don't want to like be slutty around someone who's a nerd.

She probably didn't want you to see her dick yet. We're doing this shit tonight. Anything else, Hans, before I let you go? I fell out of my hammock. What? I was in the hammock with my X and then the string snapped. Oh, shit. The bottom, the foot string or the head string?

The head string. Okay. So how did that end up? We had sex afterwards. Oh, perfect. Perfect. Nothing better than a girl having enough brain damage to decide to fuck you. That's incredible.

Hans, I love you. You're amazing. Every single week you get the show started with a bang. You're doing great work and he's doing sold out shows all around the country. And everybody's very proud of you. The great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, getting tonight started for us. That's how you do it. That's the standard.

That's a week all that. You guys ready to find someone out of this fucking bucket or what, huh? This is where shit gets a little bit crazy. Could be somebody's first time. Could be a genius. This is where we found all these people was right out of this fucking bucket right here. And your first person lucky enough to get pulled out of it tonight. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Justin Goodney, everybody.

Justin Goodney. And it has begun. Justin Goodney. We got a thumbs up. Someone's coming. Hell yeah. Here he comes, everybody. Your first bucket pull of the night, Justin Goodney.

What's up guys? Some of you may recognize me as Sheen from the hit Nickelodeon TV show. Me and TV show Jimmy Neutron. If I had to pick, I'd say the worst thing about my girlfriends is their huge dick and her right jab. So I've been in Austin a couple of days. First night here, I saw a cop put a lady in an arm bar. I was like, hell yeah. Texas is very different than where I'm from.

I'm from Massachusetts. You can tell just from the laws. In Texas, you have stand your ground in Massachusetts. If somebody breaks into your house, you can't even legally shoot that person if they aren't facing you. I was like, that's a weird fucking law. But it's made my life a crime. Pretty easy. I've just been breaking into people's houses.

Like... Get on the fucking ground, dude. Thank you. Alright, there you go. 28 seconds from Justin Goodney. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, sir. Heck yeah.

Alright, so welcome Justin. You're visiting from Massachusetts. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two months. Three months. Two months. What made you want to start now? You do that to every question?

Two months. I was like, I got to start getting more out of life. What have you been doing up until this point? What do you do for work? I'm a bartender. Okay, how old are you? 26. 26-year-old bartender.

And you've been bartending for a few years? A year. A year and a half. Okay. Alright, so you're just bartending. What part of Massachusetts? Worcester. Oof.

Alright. Okay. So, what made you come to Austin? We just wanted to do a little trip. Who's we? I'm with some friends up there. Okay. Oh, fucking Worcester.

In the house. I love it. You don't have a thick Massachusetts accent. I say hut dog. Hut dog? That sounded Asian. Yeah. Yeah.

You're going to be wearing Hans Kim's pants by next week. I know what's going on over here. Okay, Justin. So, you came with some friends. How many friends did you fly to Austin with? There's four of us total. Four of us. And what are your big plans here?

So, this is actually our last night here. We just came down, checked out Sixth Street. You know, wanted to check out the city. Okay. Did you do things other than Sixth Street, hopefully, for the love of fucking God? Yeah. We went to, like, there's, like, a swimming hole, like, 45 minutes from here. That kind of sucked, to be honest.

But... Oh, shit. You went to the swimming hole? Good luck, man. The swimming hole? Okay. I forget what it's. Hamilton's or something?

All right. Okay. And why didn't you like it? The water is really cold, and there was a lot of kids there. I wanted to skip rocks, and carry the skip rocks. You could have still skipped rocks. Oh, we did. We did.

For sure. Wow. You wanted to... Yeah, dude, we got to fucking go down to Texas to skip rocks. And these fucking fucking ass kids were swimming in the, in the hunk. It's bullshit, dude. You couldn't skip rocks in Wooster Massage? God.

It gets 2,000 miles to skip rocks. Oh, my God. You look like you do Go-Gurt commercials. I don't know what that means. I came here to do two things, skip rocks, and fucking go to Sixth Street. We went to Rain Street, whatever it is. Oh, yeah, Rainy Street. Okay, yeah.

Makes it better. That's another very, very fratty thing to do. And again, you're 26? Yeah. 26. What's your love life like? You seem like, you know, your arms look cool. You like it?

You have like great forearms, but everything else is just falling off. I pulled up the sleeves when I came up here. You're like the oldest son on Succession had AIDS. What's your love life like? Terrible. Terrible? Not great. Oh, my goodness.

What was the last time you were with a girl or a boy? It was a girl, I think. It was a girl. Yeah? Two months ago. Okay. And what happened there? How did you meet this girl?

Bartending. You meet some girls. Oh, okay. Bill Cosby. I see what's going on over there. I see what's going on. He really is. He's back on tour 2023.

Okay, you take us now. They'll sell out. Catch me Worcester. Catch me in your finest water hole. Be out there skipping rocks. Fucking taking off kids' heads. Okay. And what'd you do with that girl?

Let's see. What happened here? Did you do better than Hans? Was it more than an intense make-out session? Yeah, yeah. It went further. I got to see her, Dick. All right.

Still bombing. Okay, Justin. Still bombing. It's going to be a long flight back to Worcester. And there's a layover from Austin to Worcester. I'm sure of it. I'm kidding. Tell us something that we'd be interested to know about your entire life.

You ever save anybody's life? Accomplish anything great? Or win an award? Or anything? You good at anything? No, no. I have a fructose intolerance. Ooh.

Okay. Yeah. Hyperthyroidism. Wow. Is it not just diabetes? Is it not just diabetes? What? Is it not just diabetes?

It's a little bit. What is the difference between that and diabetes? Hyperthyroidism or the fructose intolerance? The fructose thing. How do you explain it? What do you have to look out for? Like sugars? Right.

See. What a pussy. Am I right? You know what I mean? So, you're just, what do you drink then when you go around town? Vodka soda. Vodka soda. Right.

Honestly, like Miller High Life and Asha Jameson's like normally might go to. So great having a bartender that's allergic to the shit that he's selling people. I drink it. I mean, I drink it. Oh, I got some orange juice on my hand. Oh. I got to take this shot. Okay, Justin.

So, the most interesting thing about your entire life is that you have hyperthyroidism, is what I have written down here. Super sexy. I was trying to think like what I would say. What airline did you and your boys fly here on? JetBlue. JetBlue. Oh my.

No carry ons now. It's kind of suck. You look like if Steve Oh hit his head too much. My goodness gracious, Justin. Well, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. We have these little joke books that were made by the great bones like, can you catch? There he goes.

Justin Goodney, everybody. Let's get back to this bucket. Let's find another innocent victim here. These people came here to fucking make it, believe it or not. Hunter Hayes. It's a good name. Hunter Hayes. I like it.

Hunter Hayes is next on Kill Tony. You guys having any fun yet, huh? Oh, here he comes. Man on a mission. Hunter Hayes, everybody. Holy shit. Holy shit. I'm thinking of starting my own crypto project.

Investors will be able to purchase NFTs and then mix those NFTs with other NFTs. I'm going to call the project scam. Logan Paul is a complete cut. Welcome to the roads of Logan Paul. I recently visited the suicide force in Japan and I saw Logan's career hanging there. They say fighters and boxers are as dumb as shit, but Logan is only as dumb as the crypto projects he puts his name on. In other words, Logan Paul is as dumb as shit.

You must have such little balls. Oh, Logan also has a podcast called Who Gives a Fuck? And his co-host George walked off set due to jokes made by Bobby Lee. You must have such little balls, such little confidence in your body to be scared of someone like Bobby fucking Lee. Bobby Lee is the physical embodiment of the Nickelodeon Splat logo. Wow, Hunter Hayes. Holy shit.

Oh my god, you got the name, you got the look, and it ends right there. Holy shit. It's just like if they left me in too long or too little. I don't know, it's like... Low testosterone Andrew Santino has arrived at the party, everybody. Sarah Weinchang. He's Andrew Blantino. Will the real Slim Shady please sit down?

It's like if Slim Shady was actually kind of shady. It was so bad the band started talking about a sunburn behind us. The blind guy left. The blind guy left. He was so frustrated. He said, my ears have had enough. Here, my cane. Ian Edwards, what do you think about this guy? He has more of a Dahmah vibe than Jeffrey Dahmah.

That's true. That's true. And he ate it on stage tonight, so, I mean, the prophecy is real. Incredible, incredible. Oh my goodness, look at you. Hunter Hayes, where do you come from? Where do you go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe? I have so many questions for you. Anderson Creeper, this fucking guy. Looks like the ghost of the old hard drive you used to have.

This is fucking incredible. You are one of the scariest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life. Hunter, how long have you been in stand-up comedy for? First time. Thank God. Jesus Christ. Okay. What do you do for work? Software or hardware? Neither. Really? What do you do?

I'm in grocery. Oh, what do you... I'm the scariest cashier in the grocery world. I like that he said I'm in grocery. I like that. What type of grocery business are you in? I do both. I work in the vitamin department and also to Instacart as well. Okay, okay. Okie dokie. Very, very good.

Button Jenkins over here. Jesus Christ. So, alright, you do both. You work in the vitamin section of the grocery store and then you said what? Instacart as well. The what? Instacart. Very good. You look like you would enunciate, but you don't. I do Instacart as well. Instacart as well. You don't want to do Instacart as well?

Fucking Instacart as well. Where are you from? Northern California. Northern California? What part? Suburb of Sacramento. Okay. This guy's a robot.

I know, it's unbelievable. I tell you, they set him up, they're like, make sure you know exactly how to say it. You're not wrong. They practice it though, like Instacart is like, it's the guard. They're like, fuck, he's not ready. Don't put him in the wild. If we have him hold pieces of paper in front of him, it's going to make him more human. They'll never think he's a robot. What should we say that he does for work?

Let's do Instacart as well, but make it all one word. Type it in the program as one word. He's in the vitamin section, but he doesn't look like he takes it. Right. Yeah, it is true. You seem a little bit malnourished. Tell us more about your life, Hunter Hayes. What do you like to do for fun? What's the party version of Hunter Hayes when you're not doing the Instacart as well?

So I'm currently working on my own business where I make my own intimate bleaching cream. Intimate blinking cream? Bleaching. Bleaching cream. I believe the bleaching part. Ian, he's black. This is, it worked. Yeah, it worked apparently. It really worked.

You're making your own bleaching cream. Where in what bathtub are you doing this? This is frightening. What body parts of other humans do you use to make the bleaching cream? It's a really good company. This is Russell Peters. Tell us about your bleaching company. Tell us about it, Hunter. Go ahead. So typically people make bleaching cream and use your fingers. I don't like a finger.

I'm currently doing it where it'll be applied with like a lipstick application. So it's kind of like painting your pussy or your butt hole. Oh, shit. Dude. Imagine him pitching that to like L'Oreal and be like, it's basically painting your pussy or maybe your butt hole. Get out! Get him out! They just press a secret security button under the table.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Have you used this on anybody? Is there some innocent chained up girl tied to your bed right now and fucking testing on myself? Is that true? You've bleached your asshole? Absolutely. Really? Okay. All right. I can believe that.

How many of you want to see this guy's bleached asshole right now? You guys are in the smell zone. Are you doing it on your eyebrows also? No. All right. What is your love life like, Hunter? You seem a little bit fucking scary, but I'm a bit... For sure. Yeah.

Non-existent. What? Non-existent right now. Is that why you came up with the cream? Smart move, man. Non-existent right now. Very, very interesting. When's the last time you kissed a girl?

Absolutely. Or a boy. What are you into? You seem like... Does it have to be dead for you to enjoy it? Do you enjoy any living thing? I'm bisexual. I love it. But what are you into the most if you had to pick a favorite?

FTM. F... FTM. FTM. Female to male. Female to male. So what was once a female is now a male. And does that have a...

Does that come with the packaging and everything? Like, does that have... How does that work? Just to check that... Kind of like a boy's face with a vagina. A boy's face with a vagina. Dude, he's a serial killer. Fuck you guys. Let this guy live, dude. Good for you, dude. You know what? Good for you.

Get what you need, brother. I like it. He's like... I like a... I like a boy's face with a vagina and like a baby doll arm coming out of the ribs. Like, it's so specific what you're into. Do you ever get to find that or buy that?

Is that happening out in the middle of fucking Northern California right now? Absolutely not. Right. So how do you... How do you scratch that itch, if you will? I don't. You don't. Just a lot of porn.

I've even tried to skip that. You try to skip porn. Okay, so what do you do? You just don't come. When I do come, it's totally the porn. For sure. It's only the porn. I have sex too.

Okay. With what? Do you have a flashlight that has like a football mascot on the top or something? Like something manly on your flashlight where you're like, oh, you're a good dude with a pussy. No, I'll have sex with guys. You'll have sex with guys.

Okay. All right. Very good. Would Elliot Page be your vibe? Just testing. It's the only exam I've got. That's a good question. That's a good question.

Physically, yes, but way too liberal. Oh, look at you. Oh, my God. Wow. What a specific taste you have. This is incredible. I like a woman with a guy's face and a pussy, but she's got to be a Republican.

Fuck yeah. This is unbelievable. That's how bad liberals are. This guy would rather just not fuck. Like Bruce Jenner. Bruce Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner.

Isn't that? Caitlyn Jenner, right up your alley. Isn't that true? No, am I wrong? No. No. I can't. I don't get it.

Caitlyn Jenner's got a girl face. He likes boy face. Oh, you like boy face. Caitlyn Jenner has a girl face? I love it. I love your honesty, dude. You are an interesting interview, Hunter Hayes. I love the fact that you signed up for the show.

Congratulations on your first time doing stand-up comedy. Great job. Can you catch? I got money on you not being able to catch. Northern California, bisexual. Hey! Look at that. He can also catch monkeypox, everybody.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I told you earlier that we have a Golden Ticket winner here. How many of you guys know the show well, huh? All right. Some of you might know this young man. He's been a while since he's been on the show. This is a brand new minute from Jared Nathan, everybody. He's here.

Live in the flesh. Jared Nathan. Turnip and Demik. We all had to find hobbies to pass the time. I found that I enjoy going to my local vaccine clinic. And going up to people, you know, what? And telling them I was normal. The big boy took the job.

He didn't like it. But I did! Wow. He's back. He's back in black. Jared Nathan lives for this shit. He gets permission from his mom and he flies down from Canada and fucking does this shit.

This is real life, people. He loves us. Real life, real life. God damn right. He lives in Toronto, Canada, but he loves Austin, Texas. Fuck yeah. This guy is fucking in it to win it. That was a great new joke.

Ian Edwards. I mean, I love you dudes, man. You're funny as shit. Even I even like the Gallagher Park when you spit on me. Do I have to pull your dick? Down. Kill her, man. Kill her.

It's a hazard. I apologize. It's a hazard. You know, if he spits on you, it makes you stronger. Shit. Just for his set and then I'll take it off. Jared Nathan, an unbelievable minute. Performance of the night so far set wise.

Let's catch up with this interview right now. It's been a while since we've seen you. Give us an update of the last few months. What's been shaken? How's Canada been? How are you? I'm alive. I'm good.

Canada, right? I'm doing shit on the shows. Yeah. Out of town shows in Ontario. I came in for a private screening movie I told you. You came here for a private screening? Yeah. It was last night.

Okay. There's a movie called Black Quarry. Black Quarry. Yeah. Who are you? Black Quarry. Is that a plot? When he said black and in pause, I was nervous as shit.

I was like, am I going to have to punch a dude who's disabled? But then you said quarry. Good shit, good shit. Like a quarry, the type of place where you can go skip rocks. I know what a quarry is. Yeah, we've all been there. But a black quarry, I believe a black quarry, nobody knows how to swim. Oh, you guys.

Come on, we're having fun here. We're having fun tonight. I'm going to... Cameo? Oh, okay. How much do people have to pay to get you on cameo? I thought he was going to say ketamine. Sounds about right.

No, I do acid. Okay. All right. Battery acid. So how much do you charge for your cameos? I think it's like 25. 25, and you've been selling some of them? Yes.

And what do you say to the people when they buy one? Really, people want me to fucking roast them? Okay. They want you to roast them. So like, can you give us an example of what you said to somebody on one of these cameos? Someone told me to tell somebody... Well, somebody told me to tell somebody they're a piece of shit. So I have a lot of fun doing them.

Okay. I feel like you can't ask for too much wording stuff. Right. Yeah. It's got to be pretty condensed. Yeah. Fuck you, piece of shit. It's got to be...

And what have you been doing for fun when you're not working? When you're not doing stand-up or movies or fucking... What are you... Headbutting Buicks. It was a Honda. It was a Honda. He said it was a Honda. What else?

What do you do for fun? Take long walks? Yeah. Long walks. Smoke joins? Smoke joins? When was the last time you took a photo of a train? Great question, Red Band.

Dude, you motherfuckers! I love it. Jared Nathan's like, Red Band, you retard, shut up! It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. But come on, give us something. You must have done something fun since the last time we've seen you.

Must be something that you do to fucking let off some steam. Put a cat in the microwave or something like that. I've been doing archery. Archery, oh my God. Holy shit. Oh my God. Is that a moving target? He's always moving.

Oh shit. Oh my God. Oh, this is not going to end well at all. You're like Joe Slogan. Archery. Incredible. I love it. What are you shooting with these arrows?

Targets? Yeah, they're placed by my coast to my town. I go there and I like it. Okay. I went to summer camp. Summer camp. I used to shoot arrows there, so I wanted to find hobbies, so I picked that up. There you go.

I fucking love it. Absolutely, you're killing it. You're absolutely doing it. You're doing stand-up, you're in movies, you're doing it all. Hey, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa, look who just got a fucked fucking pain gig. Jared Nathan, everybody. There he goes.

Jared Nathan, everyone. We're going back to this bucket. You guys having fun out there still? What's happening? Are we doing this shit tonight? All right. Your next comedian works the door here. We know this guy.

It's been a while. Make some noise for Marcus Oland, everybody. Marcus Oland. Marcus Oland. Marcus Oland. He works here. He's here. Here he is, everybody.

Marcus Oland. Thank you. Just get this out of the way. I did not storm the Capitol last year, all right? I did not. I know you were there, sir, but I was not, all right? Did not storm the Capitol. My flight got delayed.

I showed up on the 7th. I was like, what? I missed it last time I fly American Airlines, all right? Trying to be fucking Patriot out here. All right. Someone told me I looked like I tried to sell vape cartridges to the Taliban. I am doing that. All right, you got to go with the winner.

All right, sir, I got a good deal for you. Speaking of the Taliban, I can't wait until we can buy weed at Costco. That's what I'm looking forward to. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I want to smoke that Kirkland Cush, baby. That's what I want to be smoking. All right, we got some members. That's what's up.

All right, hey, black guy, that's how you do it. If you're not laughing at that, you're a Sam's club shopper. You can go fuck yourself, all right? Thank you. That's my type. Fuck yeah, Marcus Oland with exactly a minute. One of the door guys here at Balkan. It's been a while since we've seen him on this show.

But what I love about this set in particular, and I say it almost every week now and when it happens is a tremendous amount of growth. That was a fucking totally different set than we saw. I feel like it's been like a year since you've been on the show. It was May 2021. Yeah, yeah, that's a year and a half. Holy shit. It's a long time.

You've gotten much better since then. Thanks, man. You've been doing a lot of spots. Yeah, yeah, trying to get up as much as I can. Okay. Working here. All right. Yeah.

Working here is a, it is a thing, you know? They hired comedians to work here because we told them that that works at the comedy store, and so they have this fucking amazing gangly crew of fucking guys that look like Marcus. Yeah. Everybody else that looks like Marcus, but they all weigh like 150 pounds more for some reason. You're the only skinny Santa in the whole joint.

Oh shit. I never thought of myself as skinny, but thank you, man. I appreciate it. Coming from you, that means a lot. Compared to these door guys, you're a fucking thin rail. Thanks, dude. Thank you. Marcus, tell us about life.

Working here. Anything. Give us something. I mean, yeah, I've been working here, you know, for the past year and a half. I actually got the job on Killtona. You got me the job here. Yeah. So I was unemployed at the time.

Yeah. And I changed your life. Yeah, yeah. So now they're one. So now they're one that I do that. Literally as I was walking up here, my back started seizing up and I was like, oh my, I need to get a new job or something like that. It was fucking painful, but.

Okay. Yeah. All right. I'm in a lot of pain. This is a physical ass job, but, you know, right, right, right. Okay. Marcus. So you're in pain.

I do. Yeah. A lot of pain. Your back is seizing. My knees, my legs, my fucking, my head earlier got waxed by the cooler door, but what are you going to do? You got to stock the beer. So.

A lot of hazards on this job. Yeah. Okay. Not to mention the people. Ian Edwards, what do you think about this guy? He's like, what are you going to do? I'm just going to come up here and complain about it. Give me a word so I can still be unemployed.

So. I think you're going to be after this. Wine shank. I feel like it's just a, it's an act to get workers comp. He's like, I got hit by the refrigerator door. I did. Yeah. Playback that kill Tony episode.

You have a real look to you. What are you, where is this all going? He's on the new season of uncles of anarchy. Yeah. Dude, my period used to be longer. I actually trimmed it like a week ago. It was like, it was getting a little close to my dick area. You know what I mean?

Wow. This has got to. Did you ever tie the bottom of it to your pubes? Almost. Which I would imagine are just a fucking disaster. Oh yeah. Yeah. Actually clean shaven down here, believe it or not.

No way. Jesus, I've heard of carpets matching the drapes, but that's fucking hardwood floors and a fucking curtain. Or a nollium. Wow. Incredible. Marcus, what's something we don't know about you that we would be surprised to know

that we never found out before? You've had a year and a half to think about this interview portion of the show. Yeah. So this is a real conundrum to find yourself in. What have I been thinking about? Yeah, for a year and a half. You can say anything you want,

as long as it's not Instacart as well. I never, actually, I used to work, was it on Postmates? I don't know, this is not interesting, but okay, yeah, I used to work Postmates in LA. Answer a different question. Go right ahead. Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

I mean, pfft. I've just been here doing stand-up fucking break in my back. I drive a minivan that just went over 200,000 miles. Whoa. Incredible. Holy shit. The AC doesn't work, so, you know, what are you going to... Wow.

Yeah, but it did hit 200,000, so that was sweet. Those sweatpants look like they've done at least 300,000. I have two sweatpants that I wear to work, and I almost wore the other ones today, but then I looked at them and I spilled bleach all over them. I was like, I'm not going to get roasted, because it kind of looked foolish. So these are the good sweatpants.

These are the good ones, dude. Yeah, these are nice. The dress-sweatpants, y'all. Yeah, yeah. The church-sweatpants. Yeah, yeah. 200,000 miles. I want to interview this fucking van.

I want to be like, what's up, van? He's going to be like, well, my trunk hurts. My bumper's sore. My fucking engine's been killing me. Goddamn muffler hurts. I want to hear those pants complain. This is totally shit, dude. There's shit in my pants.

Maybe five days in a row. This is bullshit. Look at those shoes, man. Look at these fucking things, man. These are falling apart, too, but... Oh, my God. I like that you're wearing four different blacks. Thank you.

Yeah. It is true. It is true. That's what D-Madness sees in his dreams. Don't make fun of me, Goddamn. Oh, God, how I love this man. How about a random round of applause for D-Madness? The energy that this guy brings every Monday is insane.

I used to deal with a grumpy ass band every Monday, felt entitled, fucking, budging their way through. D-Madness is blind and rides the wave. So you got to love it. You got to fucking love it. One of the best musicians on planet Earth, one of the great humans of Austin, Texas. Goddamn right.

February 14th, right around the corner, D-Madness Day here in Austin, Texas. It's a little fun fact for you guys. He literally has his own day given to him by the city of Austin. Marcus, a fun set. You have one of these joke books already? I do not. You don't, huh?

I would love to have you on the secret show. Whoa! Marcus Olin coming in, doing the damn thing, getting it. Here we go. Another bucket pool. Let's keep the whole thing moving. I like that he caught the book and he was probably like, my hand!

All right. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Joey T, everyone. Joey T. T-E-A. Joey. Yeah, these kill Tony joke books made by the great Boneside. B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E.

Follow him on Instagram. Order your own. One more time for Joey T, everybody. Come on. Guys, I've been trying to expand my horizons lately. So last week I had gay sex. I fucked a lesbian. I asked her why she had sex with me.

She said it was on her bucket list. Yeah, she showed me the list. There was fuck a tall pussy. She told me to talk dirty to her. I was like, you like that? You homosexual? I was like, let's see how gay you are when I'm finished. Guys, two minutes later I was finished.

She's still gay as fuck. I couldn't convert her. Now with two minutes on the clock. It was fourth down and 28 years of her being a lesbian. I turned it over. I turned it over on my side and let her peg me with a strap on. Is that gay? I don't know. I'll stop right there.

Okay. All right. He stops right there. Yes, it is gay, by the way. Just to get that out of the way. That is gay. How much of that story is true? All but the strap on part.

All but the strap on. Well, the bucket list isn't true either. You didn't last two minutes. Was that about two minutes? You didn't last two minutes. That wasn't true either. I lasted like 25. 25 minutes.

I don't clock my sex. 25 seconds. Okay. Where are you from? Chicago. You still live there? No, I just moved here five days ago. Congratulations. What made you want to move to Austin, Texas?

A little bit of everything. You live there mainly? Yeah. Chicago is pretty fucking cold right now? You're goddamn right. I mean, an absolute fucking bitter place to be. I used to have to fucking wake up and go do man cow at fucking 5.30 a.m.

Oh my God. What a nightmare. So many fucking windy goddamn cold ass miserable streets there in Chicago. And then you come here in global warming. It's 85 degrees in January. It's fucking paradise out here. I don't want to jinx it, but who gives a shit?

You know what I mean? So you live here now. What are you doing for work? I'm an artist. A visual artist. Okay. All right. What kind of visual art are you doing exactly?

So it's like psychedelic collage. It's like mixed media. A little bit of everything. And you can make a living doing that? Yeah. Some months, but more than others. So I fill it in with a little Uber driver. Okay.

So you're an Uber driver. Good job. We got to the bottom of that real quick everybody. There you go. So if you're wondering, hey, I wonder if I could be a paid visual artist. Nope. You can't. It ain't happening.

You're a fucking Uber driver, dude. Incredible stuff. Where can we find your art at if we wanted to look at it? joet.com. Joet.com. Instagram. Okay. I see it actually.

I'm going to give you four stars. That's pretty good. That's a you're an Uber driver joke is what that was. I just want to remind you, you're an Uber driver. All right. No, it's TEA Joey TEA. It's spelled like the drink. Is that your real last name?

No. Oh, okay. What made you, instead of just doing the letter T, what made you spell out TEA? Because I used to go by the letter T and then people would be like, what does T stand for? And it doesn't stand for anything. Okay. Wow. So you, okay.

I mean, there does TEA and now less people will spell it that way. Don't you think it's more catchy though? It's like more of a, it's more memorable. No, not exactly. Your art is badass. Whoa. It actually is unbelievable art. It's very nice.

Oh my goodness. That is fucking awesome. It's dope man. You should quit comedy. So let's talk about this standup thing. This is your first time performing. I killed Tony. Yeah.

How long were you doing it in Chicago? So the first time I did stand up was like in 2015. I did it for like six or eight months. Stopped. And then I just started in September. Okay. What made you want to get back to it again? I don't know.

I always loved it. I don't know. Fucking, I had a few friends that were doing it. I had hosted an open mic. So I was like, I'll go to your mic and. Okay. What's something we would be surprised to know about you? Have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

He just killed four girls in Idaho. Ouch. I think they caught that guy. That's not fair. One of them was a dude. Would you say special skills? Or talents? Or talents?

Other than other things. Pretty fucking good at skateboarding. Okay. All right. Okay. I don't know that counts as a special skill. Yeah. I can sing a little bit.

You can sing? I didn't want to say that. How many of you guys want to hear him sing? What type of song can you sing? Some radio head or something? What do you want these guys to play for you? I don't know. Name a song.

Name a song or else you're just. He's doing that thing. Yeah. He goes like, I can't. I can't. I can't. Waiting to fuck. Just do it.

Come on. This band can play anything. You're the only one holding up the fucking fun train right now. Oh, that's so fuck. You know, the next time I was going to karaoke, I wanted to sing to James Brown. Okay. What song?

Name a song. That's an artist. I feel good. Let's fucking do it. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. You really put, he really fucked up on this one, dude. I don't even know the words of this song. No.

So good. So good. So good. I've been good. I knew that I wouldn't. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't know. Stop.

You suck, dude. I said I wanted to do the karaoke. I need the lyrics. James Brown. I want to do somebody that I sound nothing like. I know what's on it. Ian Edwards. Man, your art is badass.

Your art is badass. Now I don't even want to see you skateboard because everybody's probably going to be terrible. He's going to die. Let's do art fam. Your art is so good. He bought a piece. So good. So good.

All right. Okay. Demand is all right. All right. I can't control right now. I may have hyped him up a little bit too much. Amen. I keep thinking it's Jared Nathan coming back to hit me.

Is somebody going to tell him he's not black? This is a cruel secret you're keeping. How long have you got this guy back here thinking he's black? This is bullshit, man. I'm sorry, man. I'm black. You're Indian. You're Indian.

Oh my goodness. Fucking Joe E.T., congratulations. You fucking got on the show. You fucking got pulled out. Oh, he didn't catch it. You know that a bisexual super dork caught that earlier, right? All right. You guys ready for a special treat?

In the history of the show, one of the greatest writers, one of the greatest performers, one of the greatest roasters. This is a new minute from David Lucas, everybody. David motherfucking Lucas. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I was white so that what I call black people to inward, it means something.

Like, I called you a nigga with a UR. Don't you see I don't like your kind, motherfucker? But I'm racist by accident. Because my granddaddy only knew two races. All he knew was black and white and anything other than that was Chinese. It could be a room full of Mexicans. He's like, look at all these Chinese people. I'm like, really, those are Hispanics.

What the fuck are you doing? I hate women with big feet. I hate that shit, man. Like, we have these big ass feet trying to wear cute shoes and shit. It's like, go get some Timberlids like a real nigga. What are you doing? I don't like bitches I can share shoes with. All right, y'all, thank you.

The great, the powerful, the man, the myth, the legend, David Lucas. Tony, you're just like a gay nigga from Yellowstone. Wait a second. Wait a second. The only, the only Yellowstone you see is when you pass a kidney stone. If you was on Yellowstone, your name would be Rip My Ass. What? If you were on Yellowstone, your name would be Rip My Pants.

You don't even make that ride of bucking horse with no pants on. Well, that part's actually true. I do, when I get home after a long show like this, I do like to ride my horse with no pants on. What kind of horse did you say? A bucking horse. A bucking horse, yes. I take off my pants and I have a special saddle that I use that has a dildo on it sticking up and I sit on it. And I try to stay on the horse and I have him go really fast.

You can take a horseshoe off with two booty cheeks. There you go, strong ass. You can hold a fart for 12 hours. Oh my goodness. You are a wild man. What kind of jacket is that? What gay nigga? You took that off of me. Oh, come on. You must have arrived a gay nigga from London with that shit on.

It's a fancy jacket. It's a good one. Where'd you get that jacket? Is that a car cover? Is that for a van with 200,000 miles on it? I got a denim van cover. That shit's vans. That's a vans jacket. Oh my goodness. Incredible. Out here on the streets, killing it, talking about fucking your family. I love that. I love that material.

Incredible stuff. Appreciate it. What else is going on? What else is shaking in life? We have an esteemed panel here. Oh yeah, everybody. I see everybody, bro. Everybody up here. What? This is the part where he's nice unless they say something to him. A little fun fact is David tends to not attack unless anybody says anything whatsoever.

And I'm looking at four microphones sitting on the table right now. Ian's thinking about it. Ian hasn't slightly elevated. I know he got some. Nah, man. You're the homie, man. I thought somebody up here was gonna roast. He's sick of making fun of my gay booty. He's trying to set the two black people on each other. I know Ian's gonna say something.

Ian, we haven't been able to handle Lucas, so could you just take him out? We've been having a lot of fun here in Austin, Texas. David lives here full-time. You have a cool place. We were just there for Christmas. We've been chilling, having a lot of fun. You went back to LA. Would you do out there anything fun? Took my daughter back. Nice. Legend of the game, Luna Lucas.

She's the best. A lot of people have her as perhaps guest of the year with the Montgomery's. It's incredible. Two years old and fucking came on the show and smashed. We love her. Her name's Luna. Yeah, Luna. That's beautiful. Did you name her after your body shape? Look at Kim. She from the Real Housewives of Panama City. Get y'all down there.

What? You're from the Real Husbands of Under Tony Hinchcliff. Kim, you look like a tan peri. Hey, that's good. I didn't know you could write. Somebody knocked their beak off. Two K's in those eyes. With your fruit loop advertising ads up right ahead. Hey, no matter what kind of pants you wear, we can see your fat.

Oh, shit. Kim's in it. Kim was born and raised on this show. Man, we all roast. They keep going, brother. Shit's fun. With your fake Kim Kardashian body ads. David, your head's so big you make long dreads look short. Your pussy's so dry they call it cornbread. You made it that dry. Wow. Wow.

Kim Pondin, a creature of kill Tony, a creature of roast battle. Wow. Amazing. Yeah, yeah, that was good. I was like a zero. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. How fun is this? Always a goddamn unbelievable time. What are you vaping, powdered sugar? Should you be on a date with Kanye somewhere, motherfucker?

I fucking wish. You look like a Costco version of Kim Garnet. You buy one of her, you get eight more free. You look like your Costco card gets declined. Oh my God. Oh shit, Costco card getting declined. Might be one of the greatest jokes I've ever heard on you. And I've heard them all.

Oh my goodness. David, you're a fucking machine. Whatever you want, whatever you want. You're 45, nigga. You don't smell plenty of smoke. You was raising pool halls and all type of shit, nigga. I just like the fact you came up here and faked like you knew your grandfather. This nigga eating like a strong cancer patient. Boy, get your ass.

And nigga, run three miles from Mesothelioma. Nigga, you wish you were in cancer shape. Oh my God. Oh my God. There is no show like this on planet Earth. Nothing like it. David, mother. That was my favorite roast against myself. It's incredible.

These are the fucking... That was me. That was me. That was nigga. That was a hay base of my life. Niggas like a nigga turtle. True ass out of here. All that motherfucking black hole trying to hide your age, nigga. We know you were friends with Bill Cosby. That nigga appeared in like a German Shepherd's game.

Black, gray, white, window. Unfucking believable. David, every time you come on this show, everything goes to another fucking level. You're goddamn unfucking believable. We love you every single week. Follow this man. Follow his career. He's going to the top. What else?

Hold on, hold on. One day, I'm at the San Jose Empire. February 2nd. Make sure y'all pull up. February 2nd, San Jose. You heard him here. Make the drive. Go see him. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise for David Lucas. Back to the bucket.

Wow, this is a moment. This is a moment right now, everybody. This is one of those moments that the people that know the show, the venue, we're all going to remember. This young man started working with us. Jesus fuck, like two years ago or something crazy. He has been keeping an eye on us, keeping us safe for a long time. He started doing stand up just a few months ago.

And he's working really hard at it. I'm very excited to see his first ever Kill Tony minute. This is the Kill Tony debut of our friend Hank Garza, everybody. Hank Garza just got pulled out of the bucket. Oh my God, here he comes. Here he comes. Yes, make some noise for our friend Hank Garza, everybody. Come on. When a no-lady sucks your dick, you're not getting head. You're getting wisdom.

Why won't trans kids shoot up a school in Texas? They're not allowed in? It's fucked up. I didn't make the rules. It just happens that way. Let's see. Oh man, y'all calm down. I was eating wings upstairs.

But check this. Imagine getting a sex change only to get dementia later in life. Fucked up. That's my type. Thank you so much. 54 seconds of Hank Garza, everybody. This is very exciting. Hank's a good friend of all of us here. All of us Austinites.

He really was. I could tell by the napkin. He really was eating wings when I pulled his name out of the bucket. Absolutely. CM Smokehouse. That's right. How do you feel, Hank? How did that feel? I'm feeling great. Yeah. I'm feeling great. First time up here, it feels natural though. Kill Tony. I love this.

Y'all love me. I feel the fucking love. That's what I'm talking about, Tony. Absolutely. You are a big scary fucking cowboy. It's very fun to have you on this side of the stage. This is something that you decided you wanted to do a few months ago. You started going to open mics doing the damn thing. Going all around town every single night. He leaves us at some point and tells us that he's going to do some mics.

And there you go. So now you're doing it. How did that feel specifically? Did that set go how you thought it was going to go? No, absolutely not. I was still digesting that rib, actually. And it tasted really good. David Lucas does it every week while digesting food. I'm a fucking animal though. I was eating blue cheese with a fork up there, though.

Whoa. Just straight out of the container. Straight out of the fucking container, dude. Wow. That's how we do it, though. Wow. You say boring things like they're so interesting. You do? You have a real performer's edge. You've been performing. Before you started stand-up, was there something else that you...

Absolutely. In high school, I was a mariachi. Whoa. Really? What did you do with the mariachis? I played the guitaron, and then I sang a little bit. You sang a little bit? How many of you want to hear some mariachi music? Oh, my God. Where you at, Yoni? Where you at?

Man, your art is crazy, man. I really love that art. Can I just ask one question? Yeah, absolutely. Hey, man. What did it feel like watching yourself? It felt like watching yourself. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. I feel like watching yourself do a cute talk. That is incredible. That is a little hank over there, watching him. He's Saudi Arabia. Oh. Hey, thanks for talking to him.

Yeah, D-Madness is just fucking freaking out back there right now. I love it. Hey, Ian Edwards, real shit though, bro. I'm actually Native American and I dress like this. You know what my tribal name is? Uncle Tomahawk. Wait, what? I didn't come up with that.

You're new, man. You're new. I took a shot. No, I keep doing it, man. Hank, what's something that you've seen the show quite a bit? You've been here for almost all the Austin episodes. What is something that you think would be interesting to bring up during this interview part of the show from your own life? What do you think is something interesting about you

that makes you different than all the other people pulled out of this bucket? I've seen how the sausage is made. Oh, my God. That was so gay. It is. It is. You have no idea. It is. It is gay. Now you're talking about comedy?

You've seen how the sausage is made? Yeah, no, I just love it. I love the process. Everybody has something different, but we all just want to bring it, you know? Right. Up there, whether it's Uncle Lazer going crazy, Hans Kim, I love you so much. William Montgomery, I just love it. It's like you saw the sausage get made and then you made mud pies.

You know, Tony, we all know Hank, and I know one thing that's interesting about him that I think is unique is that he has a bunch of parrots. He has a bunch of birds that are really cool. I do. I love parrots. Now, what do you think it is about parrots? You're like a Mexican Mike Tyson or something. What do you think it is about the parrots that you love so much?

Be honest. Well, yeah, man, at one point in my life, I was beyond bars and I just relate to that. You just got to be, you know... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. You were behind bars and you relate to the birds in a bird cage?

Yeah, man. You were in jail? You got to hook them up in that commissary. Doesn't that mean you should just let them go? You can't throw them in. Some of these birds ain't rehabilitated. They don't know how to act out nature, man. They just got to take care of them.

Somehow that's so racist. I don't even know why. It's like, no, some of them you have to keep inside. They're too dark for the outside. Can't let them run amok, start stealing stuff. You know what's up. Incredible. Incredible, Hank. Fun times. We got you up.

This has been, how long you been signing up for? A few months now. Four months. I've been doing this six months. Okay, four months. And there you go, your first minute. Got it out of your system. Shaking it off. You have one of these?

Do you already have a bone sign? Yeah, I love one. Here he is, right here, getting his first joke book. Big Hank, everybody. There he goes. Hell yeah. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at Vulcan, working, getting it done. Yeah.

All right, this looks like a good name. I know a good name. I've been hosting this show long enough to know a good name when we get one. Make some noise for Timothy Coltman-Cormier, everybody. Timothy Coltman-Cormier. Right out of the bucket. Anything can happen.

Here he is. Timothy Coltman-Cormier. Guys, you gotta... These people wait all night. They think about it for months. Everybody deserves the same starting round of applause. Make some noise for Timothy Coltman-Cormier, everybody. I was diagnosed with a mild form of autism in middle school.

Autism is a spectrum, so everybody's on it a little bit. I'm just balls deep, you know what I'm saying? Like, autism was a chick. I'd be slapping her ass, choking her out. I'd call her daddy, because I'm autistic and I'm fucking... If the autism spectrum... Oh, fuck. If the autism spectrum was the Matrix, I'd be Morpheus.

Trust me, I know more about the Matrix than anybody here. I'd bet my fucking kunai collection on it. Alright, that was that phone. Um... I stopped telling people that I was diagnosed and no one's brought it up in a while, so I think it went away. I've done it a few times, I'm pretty cool now.

I'm not gonna try to be cool. Timothy Coltman-Cormier has arrived to the scene, indeed. I do believe we found the world's coolest autistic guy, everyone. Congratulations to you, Timothy. Welcome, welcome to the show. Where are you from? I'm from Florida. I moved here two days ago. Two days ago to Austin, Texas. You live here full-time now.

Two days ago. Incredible. How long have you been on stand-up? Six months. And what made you want to move to Austin, Texas? Six months into your comedy career. How old are you? 23. 23 years old, a young buck. Here he is. So what made you pick Austin?

I was mainly coming here to go to music production school, but I think enrollment passed, so I'm just... You think enrollment passed? I think that's one of the most important parts of the entire course, is knowing when to enroll. Not so autistic after all. I know, right? I thought you guys were good with dates and shit.

No, I'm not bad. The other one. So what is your, like, specialty? What are you... What's your superpower? Yeah, exactly. I was good in school. I'm good with, like, words.

Are you really knowledgeable about the matrix? Yeah, yeah. Can you give us... Can you just nerd out and, like, vent to us your passions on the matrix for a little bit? Go right ahead. I was kind of lying about that. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow.

Fake autistic guy. I think we found his passion. Wow. I'm like, can you tell us about the matrix? He's like, no. I can't. Thank you, Michael. All right, so here you are.

You're dressed like you just escaped from a gay prison. But I guess all prisons are gay prisons. You know what I mean? You look like you go in there just to fucking throw the soap around. You know what I mean? I love it. Timothy. So let's talk about your life. What is it? What goes on? What do you do for fun?

I'm a musician. I make, like, metal music. Really? You, like, you make music. So what instrument do you play? I scream. I do vocals. Okay, well, I mean, you guys know what I'm going to do right now. I mean, it's incredible. He says no again.

Can you guys play something fucking heavy for this guy? Matt Mueling, one of the great electric guitarists in the city of Austin. D-Madness on the bass. He's giving Michael Gonzalez some direction that they're going to follow. Paul Deemers arguing like a college football coach right now. Fucking angry about his time out. He's got one time out.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. A little bit slower. He wants to go a little bit slow. How slow? Like Jared Nathan slow or like... Oh, my God. Somehow, by the way, that was closer to James Brown than all the... Somehow he was closer to James Brown out of all the musicians tonight. Man. Absolutely incredible.

I guess we all are music extraordinaire, as if that's what music is. I feel like he only does that kind of music, so he could tell people he has to warm up his throat for later. Man. So, Timothy, let's talk about it. What is your love life like? I love that. Yeah? God, this whole fucking show. Everybody.

Yeah. Everybody is. And they all have bleached hair. It is incredible. There is a theme tonight. Can I just say... Yeah. You should really stick to autism.

Music is not your thing, you know? Normally, I play... You've got to know what you're good at, you know? That was horrible. Say that again. I normally do slower songs. No, that was horrible. I feel like how I normally do it before.

Okay, how slow? What would the drum beat have to be? Okay, give him that. Give him that. I want to see what this guy fucking does. Slower. There you go. He's getting instructions from tourists right now.

Yeah! Hey! Yeah! Hey! That's a jerk! Fuckin' in my shop! Money, friends, your cheese, fire! The lion, me, and hell!

I'm turning up! Lick her, baby chick! Don't look me in the eye! I'm talking to your bitch! I'll eat your fucking face! I don't eat that! I'm talking to my bitch! I'm talking to your ass!

Hell yeah! Hey! You can't take it! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Don't wait, don't be bad! You can't take it alive!

Don't wait, don't be bad! Crack in the gut! I'm full, I'm looking, ring it, and I run! All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Jesus! God! Oh my god! That was better!

That was better! No doubt about it. The musicians are loving it right now. I don't know, maybe they can hear something we can't hear exactly. I don't know. Incredible! Wow, wow! I don't even know where to begin with you,

Timothy Coltman-Cormier. When I grabbed him, I felt the autism, it was wild. Oh, he switched over, we saw it. He got scared as fuck. He nibbled on your neck. Oh my goodness, Timothy Coltman-Cormier. I love it, thank you, very good. Nice thing to say a few minutes into the interview.

So Timothy Coltman-Cormier, you moved here two days ago from Florida, what's your current living situation? I'm in an apartment for like 50 minutes for me. Okay, you have roommates? No. You live solo? I got my cat. Ooh, you got a cat with you.

That poor cat just fucking hiding under beds when he's out there screaming and shit. I can't record at home, I have to go to the studio to record, but my cat thinks I'm fucking dying. She's scratching my door and shit. Oh shit, wow! Oh my god, incredible. So, you have a cat, what else?

What's the rest of your setup? I do music, I do music, I do comedy. I got kicked out of Kiltomi last time I was here. You got kicked out of the audience? No, I was in the bathroom and I was smoking a cigarette. I don't know how I got cigarettes, I don't smoke cigarettes. I was kind of blacked out, honestly, so I don't remember. You were drunk?

Yeah, yeah. And you were so drunk that you went to the bathroom and lit a cigarette that you don't normally smoke? Yeah, I went over, I got them. Holy shit. They sold us vouchers when you came up to me, the dude in the right glasses, shadow counters, they were great.

Yeah, they're all over it. They're very nice. They're like there's some lesbian in the men's room smoking a cigarette. That is incredible. I like it, I like it. So you were smoking a cigarette and you got kicked out? Yeah, because he told me to put it out

and I think because I was kind of blacked out, I was just kind of like mad dogged him a little bit without realizing it. Right. So he told me to put it out and I looked at him and I put it out with my key, but she didn't take it. No, no you didn't. Are you fucking serious?

Which door guy was it describing? Red glasses? Is the red glasses door guy here that made eye contact with the man while pissing on a cigarette here right now? Oh my God, come here. Take the microphone, grab that microphone. Do you remember this? 110%.

110%. 110%. So you walk in, you see him smoking and what do you say? I was like hey, don't fucking smoke in here. And you're telling me that he looked back at you, took his cigarette, put it in front of his peace stream. Oh my God. And then flicked it on the floor.

Oh, wow. He was blacked out, folks. He was blacked out. It is the bathroom tip now. I think we found a cure for autism. It's black out, baby. You cool as shit when you black out. Oh.

It's a movie scene, bro. Fucking cigarette out, would you? Fucking piss? Yeah. Did you find your wallet that he left? He left, he fucked up. An hour later, his brother had to come back and he asked for his wallet.

Oh my God. You're such a, you're perfect for Austin, Texas. I'm glad you moved here. You're weird as shit, dude. Pisses on a cigarette, then throws it on the ground. Your set was, your set was, you know, better than okay, I would say, but because of an amazing interview, I'm going to give you one of these big bones I joke books.

There he goes, Austin's newest resident. Should we do one more quick bucket pull? All right, but we're going to make it quick. Oh, that's a good point. We haven't had a girl, have we? We had a girl? Should we pull till we get a girl up here, huh? Danny, sniper shot, is sniper shot a girl?

Here's one. Make some noise for Amanda Nelson, everybody. Wow, big pump from the crowd. Amanda Nelson. I bought a new building in East Austin. It has four bathrooms. Four fucking bathrooms. So I sit down and take a piss one day.

And so we just got a little weird back there on my butt. Okay. Yeah, so I turn around and take a picture of the toilet seat and I post it on Instagram stories as one does. And everybody's responding. They're like, it's European. Amanda, the toilet seat's European. I'm like, okay, shit.

I guess I'm the only uncultured swine in here who didn't fucking know what that was. So I yelled at my husband. I was like, hey, toilet seats are European. He's like, what? Okay. You don't fucking care. And you don't fucking listen.

I'm going to tell you how I know he doesn't listen because a few hours later on listen, we went to the sex tour. Okay. We've been married for 10 years. We got to spice shit up. Okay. We're going to keep it interesting in the bedroom.

So I get some new toys and come back to the house and we'll go on at it. We're giving on. Okay. We're having a good time. But then I feel something a little weird back there on my butt. Yeah. So I turn to him and I say, is this European?

And he's like, what? And that's how I know I wasn't fucking listening because if he was fucking listening, he would have thought that shit was funny. Thank you. Wow. There you go. Proof that women are something.

I am going to check in with... I'm going to let Kim and Sarah take over for a second here. Let you guys try to rationalize what the fuck just happened up here. A bunch of jokes about toilets. Meanwhile, she's taking a shit on stage. I don't know. You know what? I don't appreciate the women's lander.

I, the other day, I went to the red rose and you were incredible. No, as soon as I... The red rose people are literally pissed at you right now. They're making noise saying, no, no, no up there. You're going to lose a sponsor. Yeah, exactly. Don't fuck with our sponsors, Kim. This chick.

Yeah, she's not red rose material, Kim. They would keep her in the fucking office or something like that at the red rose. Amanda, is this your first time attempting stand-up comedy? First time ever in my life. We believe you. We believe you. Oh, we believe you, Amanda. There's no question about it.

And what do you do for work? I own a wellness brand here in Austin. A wellness brand? You own a wellness brand? I own it. You want to give it a shout out since you're the owner? Sure. It's 60 days away.

60 days away. Is this a joke about... Is this a company you named it after your setups for your jokes? Yeah. Is there always... The punchline is just 60 days away? I sure did. Yeah.

I love it. Okay, so what does it mean? 60 days away. What type of transformations are you doing here? Yeah, so I saw a need in the wellness industry and I wanted to help people become the best version of themselves in a noble shit way. Right. Well, laughter is the best medicine and you have none of that.

So... Go ahead. Tell us. Keep telling us what 60 days away is. It's when it will be closing. 60 days and the elimination will be happening. Yeah. So I just do shit in a noble shit way.

I put cuss words in the product of the lettuce. You put cuss words in a what? Into my products. Oh. Like a journal, like card bags. You're going to get skinny, you stupid bitch. Yeah. What?

Stop eating some junk food, cunt. I love it. That kind of stuff, you know? I'm like, what's 60 days away? She's like, you know, it's just a noble shit thing. Cuss words and a book. A book? Can I say something?

Yes. Okay, the way that you're talking to us right now, it seems more normal than how you were delivering your jokes. When you were delivering your jokes, it seemed like you were doing an impression of somebody delivering jokes. And Sarah thinks you have some potential. That's so cute, Sarah. Sarah.

Oh my God. She's actually giving you advice that could help you the next time you never knew this again. Incredible wine shank. That's so sweet of you. So supportive. Yeah, like if you want to keep doing it, just talk like how you talk normally. Don't do anything weird.

Demandness. Demandness is furious right now. He wants her to quit. I'm getting up. No, don't do. Don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up.

I like that she wore her running shoes in case it didn't go well. Okay. So, Amanda, you're in the interview portion of the show. You've seen a lot of people answer the question tonight. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? I don't want to say I sing because I feel like everybody has their sayings. But do you? Do you actually sing?

No, actually. I can't. No, no, no, no. If you don't actually sing, then why would you do that? We already saw you try that with stand-up comedy. But is there anything else? Do you like in good physical shape or something or anything or anything at all? What you do for fun or for life?

Yeah, I mean, okay, because I lived on the east side. I feel like I like try a lot of like east side Austin restaurants. Okay, hold on. You try a lot of restaurants? Ask me about refrigeration questions. I feel like it's like... A what question? A refrigerator question.

Okay, what's something that we would be surprised to know is that it's in your refrigerator. Thank you for asking me a question. I got a box sent to me and there are little libido shots. It's like... D-Madness is a nuisance tonight. I don't know. Bobby, did you give D-Madness some cocaine before tonight's show? What the fuck is going on over here?

D-Madness found... D-Madness has the only Adderall connection in town left right now. Oh my god. You should know how podcasts work. That's like your favorite thing, right? List me. There you go. Red Band getting a dig in right now.

Making it very awkward. What was the thing that you said? What was the void in the business that made you start the business? What was that? Yeah. Because your business sounds like complete bullshit. Yeah. I wanted to disrupt the wellness industry because I was working with a lot of one-on-one clients

and they all kept coming up with the same bullshit. So he's like, I can't do it. I have these limited beliefs. I was like, you fucking can. But I want to do it in a way that felt like normal to me, which cuss words and authenticity. Like I was on food stamps when I was 19 and on welfare and I was like, okay, cool. Now I'm living this big life. How can I help you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, mute everybody's microphone. Hold on a second. You were on food stamps when you're 19 and now you're living this big life. How did you get the big life? I mean, I worked my fucking ass off and I changed my minds. Right. Okay.

Is one of the 60 days away. Like how did you make your real money? Tell us the truth here. This is a big part right here. Because we all know how you made your money. We don't know you. And again, again, the red rose is looking down like it wasn't with us motherfucker. It wasn't.

But I'm guessing that one of your 60 days away workout regimen is digging for gold. What does your husband do for a living? He's in the tech industry. He owns a company called 60 Days Away. He's in the tech industry. You might recognize the name. It's called Facebook. No, but he's married for 10 years.

We were porous, but I though the ticket's your question. I've made a product based company. So I just like put myself out there and started to do it. I don't know. I don't fucking do it. What are the products you're selling? Sarah, haven't you been listening? I wrote cuss words down on index cards.

And it's just she's made millions, right? Millions? Yeah, on Amazon. Thank you. So it's on Amazon 60 Days Away. I love it. Absolutely incredible. Congratulations to you.

Holy shit. That's great. Let's take a... This is why I hate brunch. I know, right? Because you know how this was born out of brunch. And then you could do the toilet thing. Yeah.

That's what happens. This is why I don't like it. Over mimosas and alcoholic beverage with a lot of fructose in it, everybody. Amanda, can you catch? Here we go. Amanda Nelson, everybody. You guys ready to put a ribbon on tonight's show or what, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you,

literally, all time, the most utilized member of the Kill Tony fucking regular ship. More new minutes than anybody else. Some people call them the Memphis Strangler, others the vanilla gorilla. I like to call them the Big Red Machine. This is William Lights Out Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Man, you know that bitch in a Pyramis game. I just watched a new Whitney Houston movie and all I can say about it is,

I want to talk with somebody. The movie's stunk. Almost as bad as the hotel room they found her rotting body in the Beverly Hills. Southwest Airlines is offering 25,000 rewards points to passengers who had canceled flights over the holidays. The bad news is the points are only valid with Spirit Airlines. In an effort to improve their image, Spirit Airlines has decided to change their name to Jihad Airlines. When I catch a touchdown this weekend, I'm going to fall out and the other wide receiver is going to get out the pantomime paddles and shock me. My girlfriend likes it when I choke her in bed.

Just don't tell Chris Beard. There are no Texas fans as the Texas basketball coach who just choked their fucking wife. Okay, that's well done. William Montgomery. Well, well, well. Nobody does it quite like that. A bundle of energy coming up pyramid scheme, rode the wave all the way through. How do you feel, William?

I feel pretty good. I actually have started doing something new this past week, a new year, new me. I've started, my girlfriend actually does people's hair. I'm starting to take over her clients. I'm starting to cut hair. That's actually, oh, cut my finger the other day. That's why I have this bandaid on me. I've started cutting hair.

I actually cut Salah's hair. She just had the haircut. I've cut Christie's hair. What size extensions are those? 16-inch extensions, bitch. What the fuck? Are you fucking, don't try to comment me right now, bitch. I'm excited about my new path.

I'm thinking I'm going to take, bitch. He is aggressively calling Kim Congden a bitch right now. He is, he has an anti-missile defense system that he's utilizing right here. Holy shit, you got her to put the mic down and everything. Oh my goodness, with just pure anger and the energy of a serial killer. But seriously, what are those 16-inch extensions? What do you have? They're three inches, like your dick.

Oh my goodness. When it gets hard, it's about three inches. Wow, Kim Congden going for where it hurts, the old little red machine down there. Oh my gosh, and I really love your balayage you have going. I could do a much better balayage on you. A balayage? Yeah, it's a hair, it does color in hair. I'm just saying I could probably do a much better balayage.

If you need somebody to do your hair, I've started doing it. What were you doing? Shitting in the bathroom? What the fuck? I had to pee first of all. Second of all, I would never trust you with my balayage for you. What does that mean? Why? This is the best shape I've ever seen you in. And you still look like Andrew Santino on Hard Times. In Andrew, I think I want to dye your hair brown.

There could only be one red-headed comedian up here doing this, so maybe a nice brown coat. Williams is like my after way after photo. It's like two brothers that chose different lives. I don't really get that one, bitch. What the fuck does that mean? Seriously, what the fuck does that mean? All the other ones have been funny, but I don't really get that one. What the fuck does that mean?

I'm trying to have fun tonight! Oh, shit. He's trying to have fun tonight. My finger hurts right now! No, it's really hurting. I have a couple stitches. What type of haircut were you giving the person when you cut your finger? Just a quick fade is what people are calling it. I cannot believe that you know the terminology like this, William. This is a brand new thing.

I've hung out with you all week, and you didn't mention this to me once that you've been cutting hair, and you come in here with balayage and all of this stuff. My mind is completely blown. You have a wound on your fingers. Yeah, I'm really hurt right now. Seriously. That's a legit band-aid. What kind of band-aid is that? This is a Bucky's brand of band-aid. Whoa!

I actually saw him on Christmas morning. He was in one of the Bucky's, dressed up as Santa Claus. He's a really nice guy. Yeah, Bucky's actually really nice. Okay, William. I feel like Bucky's his dad. Oh, shit. Bucky guys.

Oh, shit. William's giving him a special look right now. He's dimmed his eyes a little bit. He's squinting kind of. Oh, the eyebrows are up. Oh, there's the squint. And then the eyebrows. Oh, a wink. We've seen this before, folks. Okay, stop.

The patented wink, everybody. Whoa, there it is. Oh, my goodness. He's giving them out. That's the sound that happens when he winks his eye. Whoa, he's giving them. It's been a long while since we've seen this. Okay, stop, Red Band. He's fucking piece of shit.

And Red Band, get off the testosterone, dude. You have high blood pressure. I don't want you dying. Get off the testosterone. Why would he die? He has high blood pressure. That's why he's acting weird on Thursday night. We figured it out. Because you fucking told me you were blacked out.

I knew something was wrong. And you're fucking telling me you're a ticking time bomb. Red Band, get off the tee. You're not moving around. You're literally, if you're moving around, maybe you should be on it. But you're just fucking, you're not. So you have to get off of it, Red Band.

It is true. It turns out testosterone injections don't go great with virtual reality. Yeah. It's very true they don't, Red Band. You have to get off. I would be devastated if something happened. You have to. He's out there working out in the VR world.

Just fucking... It counts. Unbelievable. William hitting Red Band where it hurts, right in the fucking... Okay. High blood pressure. William, you're one of the great fucking

transition stories we've ever seen on this show. At one point, you were fucking... What was the heaviest that you were? I don't know, 260 million. He was a massive, massive, bloated, sweaty, massive beast. I look back at pictures on my phone.

They pop up every day for like memories from two or three years ago. It was bad. I was about to die, I think. Yeah, was that funny? Dumbass? Holy shit! Somebody get that dumbass out of here right now.

I fucking see your stupid, fucking nasty-looking ass. God. Fucking nasty-looking. That's what I would have assumed. Wow. William going for the jugular tonight on some innocent tourists just visiting, just passing

through town. William put us here. I'd cut something other than his hair. I'd cut his fucking neck. Wow. William also known to murder people sometimes. I'm a convicted felon right now. I don't give a shit.

I got nothing to lose right now, so remember that. All right. Before we put a ribbon on this thing, I'm going to ask you, what are you most passionate about tonight? Starbursts. Oh, wow. I love those things.

You love them? How much do you love them? I love a starburst. How much do you love them, William? I love the limelight starburst. I like the waterman. Wait a second. Have you been hanging out with black people eating starbursts? Yes, it's a barbershop where I've been working.

Oh. It's a black barbershop? Yes. How did you get this job? Craigslist. Not enough Craigslist. Imagine being a black guy to go get your hair cut at a barbershop and you can walk in

and hit Sim. Huh? Huh? What? Nothing. God, what? What? Holy shit.

God. What? What? What? What? What? Oh. Dude.

So, I asked you what you're passionate about. You said starbursts. How many, how much starbursts have you been eating? Bags. Bags. Bags. What does it make you feel like when you eat a starburst?

It energizes me. Well... It's a big rush. What's your favorite flavor, starburst? Out of all the flavors? The red one. Probably strawberry. A pickle. Yeah, I love it.

Strawberry's pink. Matt Mueling only speaks once every six episodes. And he has chosen to pick this moment to remind you that the strawberry starburst is pink. Pink? Okay, thanks dumbass. Whoa, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Thank you, thank you. So with that said, what's your favorite flavor, starburst? The pink one. All right. How loud can this place get for the great William Montgomery, huh? The man, the myth, the legend. All right, turn that shit down.

Can you please make some noise for the amazing Andrew Santino. Cheeseburger. Bad friends. Whiskey ginger. Make some goddamn noise for Kim Condon. Sarah Wineshank. And the great Ian Edwards, everybody.

Ian Edwards is in town all weekend doing the creek and the cave this weekend, the 13th and the 14th. You guys are looking for something to do on Friday and Saturday. Listen to the This Bitch podcast. Go check out Cheeseburger on Netflix. How about one more time

for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band right here. Matthew Beuling on the electric guitar. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deaver on the horns. And one more time for D-Madness on the motherfucking bass guitar.

The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. He was able to get everybody in there. There it is up on that wall. While you all sat there doing nothing, he drew tonight's episode. There's everyone. I guess, yeah, that makes sense.

Ryanjeebelt.com for all those prints. We did it again, everybody. The official Kill Tony after party starts right now, right where you're at. You can unlock your phones, have some fun. Enjoy yourselves, everybody. Red Band. Thank you so much. Shabu ya.

Shabu ya. Shabu ya. Shabu ya. Shabu ya. Thanks for watching.