KILL TONY - #596 - ALI MACOFSKY

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

Ali Macofsky, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/23/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, company live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, here's Tony, that's clear. You guys ready to fuck some shit up tonight or what? Yippee, make some noise for Red Band everybody. God damn, God damn, what'd you do here, Red Band, you have a little spilly? Oh, I didn't do that.

Very, very good, Red Band. That's coffee. No, it's definitely not. Hell yeah, how's everybody doing? Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka, Gel Blaster, the Austin Security Guard Service and that's a Dwayne and somebody else over there, how about a hand for the Austin Security Guard Service, keeping us safe, I'm sorry, my handwriting was a little fucked up, and

how about a hand for the band, everybody, that's a screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony band, God damn it, that is the one and only Michael Gonzalez on the drums, that's Paul Deemer on the horns all the way over here, that's D-Madness on the bass guitar, everybody, and the man that put it all together, the great John Dees, right down the barrel there, Tour Life Hoodies, available, he has his own fucking clothing company, it's unbelievable, that's the screwball peanut butter whiskey band, brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey, the best God damn peanut butter whiskey on planet earth, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

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So that's it. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time? Well, then you're in for a special treat. This young lady was a regular on the show at 19 years old, eight years ago. Since then, she flourishes, she sells out all around the world. Ladies and gentlemen, former killtony regular legend of the game, the great Allie Mikofsky, everybody. Wow. Allie Mikofsky. Allie Mikofsky is on tour. Allie Mikofsky.com for tickets. She's going everywhere. Raleigh, Alana, San Diego, Vancouver, Sacramento, and Dania Beach. Welcome back, Allie. Thanks for having me. Hell yeah. You've been on the show for a long time. Yeah.

A veteran of the game. And how long have you been doing stand-up? I think eight years now. Eight years. And you started with killtony and around killtony. Pretty much. I think I started like a year before killtony and then that really popped things off for me. And we made you a regular immediately all the way back to episode 100. Yeah, fun. The great Roseanne Barr was supposed to be here with Allie tonight just to let you guys know this is another night that Roseanne wasn't able to make it from the frozen hill country that she lives in. She is the newest resident of Texas. Oh, that's Red Band's new soundboard. I'm so sorry. I'm looking forward to coming out and telling some bitches ass apart.

What are you doing next Monday? Yeah, I hope I can do it again. I'm so sorry. I'm home. I even took a shower. Oh, well, back to bed. Thanks, honey. Sorry. Just a little proof that Roseanne was almost here tonight. No big deal. Only the greatest stand-up comedian in the world. But she got frozen out. So we're gonna... I'm not bummed about it at all. Allie extended her trip for this. Or else you guys... Yeah. I'm excited to be here. We're gonna have a blast. Trust me. It's unbelievable. We're going to have so much fucking fun. You guys ready to start tonight's show? You're gonna have to do better than that, people. I know you're bummed about Roseanne, but you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? All right. See, I like it because it's a running thing now. This is what I like

about the Roseanne thing. She was supposed to be here a few weeks ago. Something happened. She was supposed to be here tonight. Something happened. So who knows? I would keep coming back if I were you, but every show's sold out for infinity. You guys ready to do this or what? Oh, yeah. A reminder for those of you that don't know, perhaps, a ton of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull their name out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten? That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just means that their time is way up. And then I interview them. We find out more about them.

Anything can happen. It's all improvised one more time. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight is one of the regulars on this show. One of three regulars that has the impossible job of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. A job that Ali had a long time ago. This guy took over the scene a year and a half, two years ago when he became a regular, moved out of his van, moved into a house. Now he buys expensive shit all the time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. What's up? I was afraid to nut in this bitch once because she told me she was pro-life.

But then I found out she was on birth control. So I got really mad at her after I nutted in her. I was like, bitch, you're not pro-life. You're just micro-dosing abortions. Millennials. I hate how all millennials nowadays are consultants. There's no way that's a real job. There's no way there's a CEO out there that's like, man, I'm having real problems with my supply chain. Let's get a 23-year-old in here with good vibes. Make sure they're bad at math. But yeah, I think that's just welfare for middle-class people. But yeah, good to be here in Texas. Love Texas. It's amazing how much fun we have here. Yeah, it's amazing how much fun we can have here when we're not concerned about equal rights.

All right, thank you. Whoa, somebody's been partying all week. Holy shit. Did you think at all that maybe I love to be here in Texas should be the opener instead of the closer and perhaps move nut in this bitch to the end? Did you think about the fundamental formation of your 60-second set tonight, Hans? I don't want to do that again because I already talked about Texas last week, so I was like... Oh, God forbid you talk about where you are to open your set because yeah, you did it last week. So, okay. How do you feel about that, Hans? I mean, I like the words that I said. Did you say butt birth control at one point?

I said butt birth control. I stuttered a little bit. So you did say butt birth control. Confused the shit out of me. I thought someone was on butt birth control. To where if you come in a butt doesn't get pregnant, I was super confused and I think how many of you heard butt birth control? No, you don't raise your hands. You make noise on this show. Oh, geez, you people really are visiting from far away lands tonight. Jesus Christ. I did, Tony. For those of you listening to the podcast, everyone just raised their hands for some reason. So butt birth control. You didn't mean the word butt to be there at all. I didn't know. You found out she was on birth control and so she was microdosing abortion. I thought it kind of

worked out with the butt birth control because then when you were saying that she was microdosing abortion, I was like, oh, because you're doing anal sex. So she's not getting pregnant. So it kind of worked but then I was confused. It was amazing that your stutter led you to an entire different orphous. Orphous? Orphous? Wait, what? I think I just had a little stroke right then. Okay, Hans. So you love to be here in Texas, equal rights. What do you mean by that? I mean, like if you're worried about, oh, am I hurting this, you know, Mexican's feelings, then you might not take as many tequila shots off their body. Okay. What? All right, let's move on. What is that shirt? Why is that shirt on you?

This is a shirt that supports women's rights. I think women should have rights so that I can nut in them more. Oh my goodness. He is very one-tracked mind. He wears that shirt because it handsles out his jokes. He handsles out. You guys don't like wordplay? No? His name is Hans. It hauntsles out. I'm done. But birth control. All right, what else has been going on this week Hans? Tell us more about your life. I've had sex with two girls unprotected recently. Very good. All right. Let's do just the ones that you know what they are, red band. Perhaps that's a better method while doing a fucking live show in front of 350 people instead of doing it. Thank you. Oh my God. Here we go. There we go. Shades of the old band flickering on here. The old

just fucking unbelievable. All right. Hans, give me something good. Unprotected sex. Did anything stand out to you while doing that or anything? Yeah, we were watching Jeopardy and she was one of your answers. What is but birth control? Red band. Red band. Red band. I'm telling you. Okay. It's called Jeopardy. I don't give a fuck. Okay. Fucking pick your things very carefully moving from here on out. I don't know how to hint to this anymore. I'll stand down. Okay. Thank you. Very good. Jesus. What a start to this fucking show. Huh? Should we just take it from the top? Should we take it for after Hans gets off? Should we just take it from the top and pretend like it's a start? Hans is in here this week. Would you like that? I think we'll just start it then.

Really? Yeah. This audience. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Hans Kim. There goes Hans Kim. I think maybe we should. We've never done that before, but maybe we should. No, we have to keep my Hans sold coming in. It really kills. Yeah. Just add it in like he didn't just in case. That was Hans Kim. Worst performance of his life. That was Hans Kim. A little fun fact is that it's, yes, a little fun fact is that it's more annoying to the podcast listeners than it even is to us. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Let's do something a little different tonight. Let's start it with a bucket pool. What do you guys think? Is that a good move? Huh? Normally Hans is here, but he, normally Hans gets it started,

but he came down with a little, ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian out of the bucket. This is a brand new person. I can tell you already. So anything can happen for those of you that don't know the show. This is 60 seconds of standup comedy uninterrupted going to Phil Bill 2.0. Oh, a big roar from the back corner. Here he comes. Phil Bill 2.0. Getting the night started for us here. So Hans was just talking about, you know, but birth control. But the other week, I was with this girl and, you know, after we did it, she's like, oh, we need to get plan B. It's like, damn, I should call your fat friend. But, you know, coming to Austin, you know, everybody said it was going to freeze. You know, I should watch out for the weather. At least I

knew I was going to make jokes in front of snowflakes. But one thing that is definitely true about Austin is everybody is so in tune with the pronouns. We can no longer call them his spanics. We have to call them them spanics. And also like I just started this new job and they want you to put your pronouns in the email signature. But when I get an email from like a they them there, I know what they like in the bedroom. So I'm just going to put man, penis, doggy style. Thank you. But I lived in Austin 11 years. And the one thing I know is true about Texas is Texas hates Oklahoma, especially Austin, the whole UT OU rivalry. What time is it? Oh, you sucks. The thing that pisses Austin Knights off the most is that oh, you are Oklahoma legalized weed before.

Wow, Phil Bill 2.0. Welcome to kill Tony. Holy shit. I wish I could finish that last one. I bet I bet you do. You had a chance to finish all those other half written jokes you did before that. But they're written down. Very good. Phil Bill. Thank you. They're written down. So good to have Abraham Lincoln's gay grandson up here tonight. You don't need to respond to everything. It's not how it works. But I'm glad to have the liver King's accountant here tonight. This is very, very exciting. The first comedian of the night. Don't let his Hans said but birth control thing confuse you. He called me a comedian. I love it. Okie dokie. Wow, you're just hilarious, Phil Bill. Welcome to the show, Allie. His stuff sounded like he typed it into jet chat. Fuck.

Roseanne, where are you Roseanne? Roseanne, please. Just make the hour drive. You could still make it. Well, I'll copter you in. Sound like chat GPT wrote a set. What? I'm angry. I'm done. No, you're good. You're good. Okay. Phil Bill, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've done two open mics in my whole life. Okay. What made you want to sign up here tonight? It is Grant's birthday. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. I've heard of frat boys. I've never heard of frat men before. It was that or a hand job? It was that or a hand job. Wow, you have not a funny bone in your fucking body, Phil Bill. It is incredible that you put yourself in this position. Frankly, I'm shocked. Why'd you dress like that? It's Grant's birthday.

Where'd you guys celebrate? Chase Bank? Thank you. Thank you. Oh, boy. It's gonna be a long night. We're just getting started here. Again, this is the first comedian of the night. It's gonna get better. You called me a comedian again. Oh, I hate you. I'm starting to hate you. It's starting to turn into hate, my friend. He called me my friend. Whoa. Fucking loser. Phil Bill, what do you do for work? I'm unemployed. That sounds about right. Unemployable indeed. What did you used to do, Phil Bill? The last job I had, I managed an independent rap tour. Rap tour? Rap tour. Rap tour. Okay. Whose tour was it?

This guy that I know who asked me to manage his tour and now he owes me a lot of money. Yes, indeed. Absolutely. You seem like a real pushover. I could see why that would be. What made you get into the rap game? My friend asked me to manage his tour and now he owes me a lot of money. God, you are the worst, Phil Bill. Oh my god, you're the fucking worst. There's only two answers that you have. It's either my friend's grand birthday. Or that I'm a comedian. Okay. There he goes, Phil Bill, everybody. There he goes, Phil Bill. Phil Bill, Phil Bill, Phil Bill, Phil Bill. Go that way, by the way, Phil. Go that way, go that way. Yep. Take the long walk of shame. Jesus fucking Christ, man. You guys ready for your first comedian of the night?

Huh? Who's ready? We're going to go to the bucket for this one. I know. We're leaving this all in, by the way, just to let you know. Your first comedian of the night goes by the name of Juan Torres, everybody. Juan Torres. Welcome to Kill Tony, formerly the number one live podcast in the world. At one point, we were the best. Oh, here he is, everybody. Juan Torres. Make some noise for Juan, everybody. Come on. Hello. How's it going today? Oh, is it like this? Or like this? Like this? Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Well, today I am very happy. I just finished with my taco stand. So I came over here to hang out with all my friends today. It's a very nice seeing you all.

Also, I took the chance of starting doing Uber and Lyft. And with Uber and Lyft, they have a video I must watch to help me start driving Uber and Lyft. The video goes like this. If people are trying to have the sex in the seat, you must do these things. First, you must ask them, hey, hey, what type of music do you like? And obviously, when people are in the middle of having sex, they want to know what type of music you want to hear. So Uber and Lyft recommend that you ask them this question. And Uber and Lyft says they're going to stop having sex because they want to know very good. Juan Torres. Oh my God. What is happening tonight? This is unbelievable. Juan, welcome to the show. I've never seen a Mexican guy with an Arab accent before. This is incredible.

Why do you sound? Do you really sound like that? No, not at all. I just take accent for sure. Right. You think it's funny? You think that was funny? I swear to you, I tried to go Hispanic and I fucked it up completely. You tried to do what? Red Band? Don't touch the fucking soundboard until we build momentum in this show. It is a comedy show. It's not a fucking sound effect show. What the fuck is wrong with you? Build momentum. Okay. Make sure the room is laughing and then touch your fucking toy. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh my God. Roseanne. I want Roseanne all day while I thought about what was Roseanne. Oh no, stop it. Stop. I can't hear the harmonica. All right. Juan Torres, what do you do for work? I'm a Uber and Lyft driver. Oh my

God. I can't deal with this. There goes Juan Torres, everybody. I'm pulling another name out of the bucket that way. I'm pulling another name out of the bucket. For those of you that like bucket pools, we're getting through them tonight. We're going to set a record. Let's see what happens here. 60 seconds uninterrupted. It goes to John Henry, everybody. John Henry. Oh my God. Your first comedian of the night, John Henry, everyone. Oh hell yeah. Oh, I have a good feeling about this. Makes the noise for John Henry. I, like most, mostly straight men, am afraid of my eventual prostate exam. And then I found out that the female G spot is sometimes called the female prostate. And I'm like, oh my God. I can't like it. I couldn't wait. But I didn't have the balls to

go to a sex shop and buy a dildo. But I did have a plunger and one end's already covered in shit. So why not let's continue with this experiment? You know, so I try to shove it up my butt. So, you know, but I find out like most sex activities, you really do need lube. So, you know, I stood there. I'm trying to get a big visual of it. And I just hope it feels better than it looks. And I proceed to rub one out. And I have the most mind-shattering orgasm of my life. The time that really makes you go, maybe I'm gay. Thank you so much. I'm John Henry. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, I know Texas is frozen, but has hell frozen over as well? First of all, how long have you been doing comedy?

Year and a half. How long have you been doing it wearing that? Not very long. This is why I stopped taking jujitsu. Right. This is like Kongju fighting. What the fuck did you just say? No, don't save it with the Seinfeld theme. John Henry, tell us something interesting about you. You're in the interview portion of Kill Tony, the first ever episode where I might have to reimburse everybody's tickets.

It's a very, very exciting episode. We've done, what, 600 some is almost 700 some episodes. This is, you guys might be the first people to all get $40 each on your way out tonight. How many you want your money back, huh? Wow. I didn't think you guys would actually cheer for that. I was kidding. Your assholes. Fuck you. John Henry. Okay. Year and a half. Has it gone better than what it did tonight ever? Yeah, it's gone better.

When it has gone better, what did you do then? I don't know. What's the most interesting thing about you? There he goes. John Henry, everybody. We're flying through it tonight. This is a special episode. For those of you that like cringe, for those of you that like dog shit, this night is for you. I'm going to try this bucket one more time and then we're going to go to a secret weapon that I'm positive will work, but I just have to see. I just have to see out of all these fucking names. I have to see. Ali, you pick one. Maybe it's, maybe it's just,

you got stinky hands. That's one. What do we got? Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Henry, everybody. Matt Henry. Personally, I love it. The last two episodes have been the best two episodes we've ever done. Why not have our worst episode ever tonight? Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for John Henry. Come on, make some noise. Thank you. Or Matt Henry. I'm sorry. Well, that's so weird. Two comedians in the row with the last name Henry. I'm sorry, Matt. One more time for Matt Henry, everybody. I'm sorry. I fucked that up. One more time for your first comedian of the night, Matt Henry, everybody. Thank you. No relation. No relation. I've been looking for an Asian woman to love me. Can't seem to find one. I guess you could say I've been looking for love in all the long places.

I was talking to my family recently and they keep trying to shoehorn in political things for some reason. Whenever I'm talking to my mom, she always hates Biden. She's always trying to bring up Joe Biden for some reason. And I'm personally a fan because the guy speaks nonsense and I like that. That's funny. But she was talking to me the other day. She brings it up and I don't think Joe Biden's ever going to get assassinated, but I do think he will be the first president we have to put down. Like a dog with leukemia. Just put him on the blanket, you know, take him out of there. We'll figure it out. I like to do Facebook quizzes whenever I can. I'm the only one doing them at this point. So on the other day, what's SpongeBob character are you? I was like, I gotta

know. It's like 200 questions, filled all those out. Got to the end, asked my name on my age, filled that out, got the results, turns out I'm mentally retarded. I was hoping for Patrick. Thanks, I'm Matt. Matt Henry, ladies and gentlemen. Getting some laughs during his set, really fucking up the flow at tonight's show. Holy shit. Matt, welcome, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? About three years. Three years. Where at? I just moved from LA. Okay. What was the three years in LA? Because these are the three years that I haven't been in LA. Where have you been doing? What have you been doing there? There's like a lot of outside shows and stuff going on now. It's just a lot of that. Right. And you just moved here. What made you want

to move to Austin, Texas? I just want something different. Just try out something else. I was in Chicago for a little bit too and then I went to LA and now let's try it here. Where were you originally living? I'm from Wisconsin. Okay. Yeah. There you go. What do you do for work? I work for a real estate company. What do you do for them? I do retention. You familiar? It depends on exactly what you're retenting. Yeah. So I basically, the realtors call me and they buy something from the company and then they're angry at me and I have to, I get in arguments with people all day. I basically have been doing that for the last 45 minutes. Incredible. I'm basically a retention artist. All right, Matt. What's the most interesting thing about you? Well, I don't know. I don't

know how to swim. You know how to swim. No, I don't know how to swim. Oh, you don't know how to swim. Yeah. Okay. I was about to kick you off the stage. I'm having so much fun. Oh my God. How is it possible that you don't know how to swim? You know, people say that a lot because they think I'm tall. I should just know how to swim, but I just did not learn. No, it's because you're white that you should know how to swim. Fair. You know, D Madness not knowing how to swim makes sense. I think D left by the way. I'm pretty sure D is like I cannot stand the sight of this show. Do you ever like practice swimming like in the bathtub or anything? Or you're like someday, like someday I'll learn. I've been, I'm going to need to take lessons.

That's how I'm gonna do this year. That's a new year's resolution. What sport are you really good at? What sport am I good at? Basketball. Oh, wow. Maybe that's why you can't swim. Have we done the math on this yet? Are white guys that are good at basketball like black guys in that they can't swim perhaps? This is something, this is something Pfizer should test for. Okay. All right, Matt. Well, there you go. What's your love life like? You seem like a good looking undercover cop type or something like that. I am divorced. How old are you? I'm 28. 28 already divorced. That was a Wisconsin marriage. You got married at what, 23? 20. 20. 20. Got it done early. How the fuck did that happen? Same town grew up together. Right. And how long were you together

for? Four years. Four years through high school. And at 20, you got hitched. When, how old were you when you got divorced? 24. So we were together longer before that, but married four years. Right. Gotcha. Okay. Why did it end up failing, you think? I'm glad you're having fun, Red Band. It's incredible that you're having a blast. I've never seen you do a Jeremiah Watkins impression before, but this is pretty exciting to see. Are you drunk already? Is that what it is? Your color isn't good. It's all that tea, man. I'm just pumped up on tea. I don't think it is at all. Yeah. Tea's supposed to get more blood flow to your brain hitting. This is unbelievable. What's happening here tonight? Again, just incredible,

but I kind of like it because it's different. Matt, anything else fucking at all about your life that we might find interesting before letting you go? Set was okay. Interview sucked. I really like the delivery. I like the way you deliver your job. Like you sounded like you've been doing it for a long time. Like you have really good delivery. Oh, thank you. I think. Yeah. But I've been bombing all night, so take that with a grind of salt. There he goes. Matt Henry, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Hey, Matt, take one of these. It's a little joke book. There he goes. You know what I'm going to do? Because this episode seems special. I'm going to move the golden ticket winner and both of the regulars to the back of the show for the first time ever in the show's

history just so that I can possibly see if we can keep this dog shit momentum humanly possible. Because I've been doing this a long time, nine years and what's eight, nine months, nine years and nine months every Monday and on weekends all over the world. And I've never quite seen the start of an episode like this. I have this, what was once an empty piece of paper filled up with nothing but bullshit and scratched out notes. So I want you guys think we should go to the bucket one more time. I was in a good mood before this. Make some noise for Drew Blues, your first comedian of the night, Drew Blues, everybody. One more time for Drew Blues, everybody. Make some noise. Oh man, my name is Drew Blues and I do come from San Antonio, Texas.

We're the Yeehaw meets the Ala Chinga. So glad I got dressed up for y'all tonight. I know I probably look like the first guy that dies in a western movie. Some fucking chick was at the bar and was like, wow, Drew, you look like a rip from Yellowstone. I'm like, you're a fucking liar. I look like I come from Jellystone, right, sir? I was like, if you think I look like Rip from Yellowstone, baby, you're a hella stone. Where's the weed at? All right, cool. That's fucking cool, man. That's fine. Shit. It's all about confidence, man. I'm confident. World's full of haters. Haters tell me all the time, oh, Drew, you're fat. Oh, you're loud. Oh, you'll never be successful. You know what I tell those haters? Thanks, mom. You're my mom. My dad was never in

the picture. I think I reminded him too much of my mom. I got her eyes and her tits. Thank you so much. My name is Drew. Thank you. Thank you. Drew Blues. Listen, this show has gone so bad that the audience is now laughing at bullshit. Hello, Drew. Welcome. How you doing? I've never seen a cowboy shaped like a cow before. This is exciting. Welcome. I got the red dead drip. I like it. What's interesting is you're not even small from the waist to your shoulders. You're a big guy. Your legs are tiny. That's all that it is. You have normal-sized feet, normal-sized body, normal-sized head. You have ridiculous from your knees to your waist is seven inches. It is incredible. What is your dick like?

Uh, it's confident, you know. But are you confident like your upper half confident or just looks good on your lower half? Listen, you're here. I won't wreck it, but I'll leave it the way I found it. You know what I'm saying? Nope. All right. I don't know what you're saying. So San Antonio, born and raised, right? Are you a real like rancher? You seem like more of a blue cheeser than a rancher. I grew up in the country in Elmendorf, Texas, actually outside of San Antonio. Right, right. Grew up in the country. What do your parents do? My mom is actually a payroll clerk and my dad recently passed away, but he was a tile setter. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. Did I bring that? No, actually you did it. You saying that your father died recently is actually one of

the funniest things about tonight's episode. So no, normally that would be kind of a bummer, but tonight. Yeah, I don't want the audience to be mad. Like he was a deadbeat. Now he's just dead. Like y'all can laugh, you know? Okey-dokey. Thank you, man. Yeah, thank you. Single mom power. Hell yeah. One lady cheering. Got all your attention. Look at that. Drew, what do you do for work? Me? I'm actually a banker at Chase, believe it or not. Wow. Look at that. That's like a callback or something. But you know what? It's a work from home job. So I can start doing comedy, you know? So I'm trying to travel outside. How is being a banker a work from home job? Just, I just, it's a call center work. It's not really like, yeah, I get to take

it with me. It's pretty nice. I'm in hotels a lot. I'm just traveling doing Uber Eats on the site too. It's pretty good. Oh, always good when you're doing Uber Eats. Eating or driving. Okay. Drew, I don't want, yeah, I wanted to be a little bit interesting, my bad. Interesting thing about me. Oh, go ahead. No one asked, but go ahead. Shit. Just hijacked the show. I feel bad. You know, sorry about that. No, no, it's great. It's a theme tonight. I love it. Drew, tell us what is the most interesting thing about you? Get your fucking hand away from the soundboard. Oh my God, red band. Oh my God. I'm close to getting sponsored by Chuck Norris Seaforce Water, actually. Chuck Norris. Seaforce Water. Seaforce.

Seaforce, yeah, water. What, what, what, what is that? It's a water company that Chuck Norris actually founded. So I've been doing commercials for them and I'm close to getting monetized and sponsored. Finally. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Red band. I thought it was Paul Deemer, by the way, but it turns out red band actually could nail that one. So what you've just been doing commercials for free for this water company and now all of a sudden they've reached out to you or you reached out to them. They actually reached out for me. So they're going to like kind of work on getting me monetized and actually getting sponsored by that water company. So I do sketches and I just have to have them to the side. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing

stand-up comedy for about five years. Oh my God. Oh my God. Where have you been doing stand-up comedy for five years? Mostly around South Texas. Yeah. How does it normally go for you? Better than this. Right. What's the highlight of your life? What's the most fun you've ever had in your entire life? Most fun. Yeah. Most fun. Other than your dad's funeral. Thank you guys. It was great. Actually fun. I actually performed at a resort in South Padre Island. That was fun. Yeah. Okay. I swear I'm funny. Not right now, but I mean I swear I'm funny. I get it. I get it. Thanks Ali. That's the theme of the night tonight. Welcome to another episode of I swear I'm funny. Incredible. All right Drew. I'm going to keep this thing moving

along. We're doing something different here tonight. So thank you Drew. There's a joke book. Get out of here Drew. Please. We're just going to back end this thing. I'm serious about everybody. David, William, everybody going up at the end. I want to see what happens here. Let's do one more bucket pool and if this doesn't work, then I'll do something that I'm positive will work. But again I just have to see. Make some noise for RJ Marchand everybody. We're going along tonight by the way. You need to mentally prepare yourself for going along. You do. This might be a two and a half hour long episode tonight. Here comes RJ Marchand everyone on this. Kill Tony. One more time for your first comedian of the night. RJ Marchand everyone. Hell yeah dude. I'm a country boy.

I don't do that shit y'all heard earlier. I do country boy jokes. Y'all want to hear how country I am? I ain't good enough. Y'all want to hear how country I am? I ain't gay. That's how country I am. There's a bunch of reasons why I ain't gay. Get ready. I'll look at my best friend in the eyes. Tell him I love him. I ain't gay. I like the way Levi's 511 jeans shapes a dude's ass. I ain't gay. I'll get a joint check and account with my boyfriend. Move across the country. Support him while he gets his master's degree. Learn about financial responsibility through partnership. I ain't gay. I run a dick sucking contest right now. First one to suck a dick loses. I lost. I ain't gay. That's everything that I learned playing JV football for a Christian

private school. RJ Marchand. Again, the crowd loved it. That just sounds like an my inner thoughts all the time. I didn't really, I didn't think that it would be that big of a laugh. Thank you. So RJ, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like eight years? Okay. Very good. Eight years. All of it here in Austin? No, I'm from Alabama. Okay. You did most of it in Alabama. Do you live here now? Yeah, yeah. How long good did you move here? September? Yeah. Very cool. What do you do for work? I have a part time where I like teach kids how to swim. No way. That was good. If you just, if that is not real, that's the funniest thing about tonight's episode so far. Was that a joke? No, no. You really teach people how to swim? Yeah, yeah.

Oh my God. I was like, whoa, a real joke. But no, it wasn't even a joke. You actually teach people how to swim. I thought that was a brilliant callback to earlier. I'll give you the credit for it anyway. You're getting a big joke book no matter what. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. I love it. It's good to have one of the Hogwarts bad boys on the show. Uh-oh. We're close to momentum. Look out. This is the part of Guitar Hero where you're almost rocking, but we're not quite there yet, but we're still, we're almost there. Don't touch anything. Don't you fucking touch anything. Go to the old soundboard for Christ's sake. This thing is confusing you. RJ, welcome. I asked you what you do for work to teach people how to swim. That's right.

What's your love life like? Uh, it's not right now. Really? That surprises me. You seem like a good looking guy. What's the problem? I'm not really trying. I'm just doing open mics all the time. All the time. That's not guys who are getting laid today. Yeah. I'm not really trying. He's getting laid. Yeah. So it never happens? When's the last time you got laid? Uh, like... Well, you're an Alabama boy. What are you waiting for? Marriage or something like that? Uh, I'm afraid that my parents are going to see this at this point. Uh, no, I mean, like December, I guess, like December. How old are you? I'm, uh, I'm 31. 31? Are you, are you, are you really afraid your parents are going to see this? No, no. So have you gotten, so you said September, have you got, that means that was in

Alabama? No, like I, I, I, December was the last time I got laid. Okay. Yeah. And what, how did that go down? How did that happen? Uh, my, my, my ex came to town. Wow. So you still haven't been with the Texas girl? No. Or from, or for that matter with anyone not from Alabama, right? I've had sex with people outside of Alabama, Tony. Well, that's actually shocking. Like how you've presented yourself. Where did you have sex outside of Alabama? Uh, like I left Alabama and then I was in like a place like Georgia or Florida and then there was this girl. Are you making this up as you're going along? I was in Georgia or Florida, whatever one makes sense. Uh, then I met this girl. I knew she was a girl because she had a vagina and I put my wiener in her vagina and I moved it back and

forth and then stuff came out of my weenie. Yeah. It was different. It was weird. It was scary. It was fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Do you have any special moves that you do in the bedroom to a woman, uh, the old long tie or something like that or? Uh, I don't know. I just like, I like to say thank you afterwards. Okay. There it is. There it is. Very good. Okay. RJ, what's your living situation like here in Austin, Texas? You moved here in September? Yeah. Terrible. It's bad. Tell us about it. Oh, do I have to? Yeah, it's good. It's good. Uh, uh, uh, most recently, uh, there was a bit of a like a, like a fight last night that I won't get into too much, but basically my roommates like moved in as girlfriend and shit like that. How many roommates do you have? One. I'm supposed

to have one, but I have two. All right. Okay. What was his reasoning for moving the girlfriend in? It just kind of happened organically. One night she was there. She slept over. You go out to make your fucking Cheerios. Uh, oatmeal or whatever. Uh, no, I, I don't know. He just, I don't even think they like each other that much. Honestly. They argue a lot. Totally. Yeah. Right. Have you talked with them about this? Uh, I tried last night and it didn't work at all. How did it go? Uh, you're fuck Tony. Um, don't, don't lose it now. Are you doing good? Don't lose it now. Just answer the question. It's not funny. Uh, basically, I bet it will be. I'll bet you $100 patch that it will be. I will bet you $100 fucking dollars

that I will make it funny. Answer the fucking question. They came rolling in at like 3 30 a.m. like drunk and fucked up. And I was like, Hey, I gotta start a new job tomorrow. So could y'all not do that? And you, you know, and it started off in there. And basically they got in an argument because I guess he felt emasculated by it because of her. So he like stormed into my room and like grabbed me by my neck. So I'd like push him off and stuff. And you know, you're right. It was, it was funny. It was funny the whole time. Been doing this a long time, my friend. That was hilarious. Okay. RJ, what's your relationship with your parents like Alabama? Very religious?

They're, yeah, they're pretty religious. They don't really talk to each other very much. They like hate each other, you know, type of, type of thing. They've been, are you sure you don't live with your parents? Now even funny things don't get a real laugh at this room. Everybody's like, it's like performing at a rape victim convention right now. This is very exciting. How exciting. We might go three hours tonight, by the way, for the first time ever. Okay. RJ, I'm going to give you a big joke book. We're going to get you out of here. Sign up again, will you? I want to see more. I want to see something other than the ain't gay 60 seconds. I would love to see real jokes. Should we go to this bucket again?

I have things on deck that will work, but I'm saving them. It doesn't really make sense. I'm going to try to build momentum with a bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian of the night, this is going to be good. This is the one I'm positive. Make some noise for torch the puppet. Definitely his first time on the show. We've never had a puppet. We've never had anybody named torch. We've sure as hell have never had a torch the puppet. Oh, yes. There's no way this is going to fail. His kill Tony debut. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for torch the puppet. You're good. You're good. One more time. Ladies and gentlemen.

Okay. Oh, this is part of the thing. Oh my God. Of course it is. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for torch the puppet, everybody. Oh, jeez. There's a lot of y'all there. Okay. Hey, what's going on? Okay. So as I said, yeah, my name is torch the puppet. I wish there was a place for, you know, my my cock to hide behind, but you know, it's he's going to have to sit here. So I see a lot of surprised faces here. Just so you know. Yeah, a lot of you guys tickle me Elma that used to fucking your childhood is back to with the vengeance. I'm starting a whole new, a whole new me too movement. It's going to be a brand new

me too. I'm about to shut this whole motherfucker down. So yeah, that guy over there. He really liked that. Okay. So, so Nancy Pelosi, she's got a, she's got a husband that you know, have I need y'all to quiet down over there. Okay. So Nancy Pelosi, I'm sure you'll see the news. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, torch the puppet. Yes, torch. Stay where you are. I have to interview you now. Hey, is it okay if I hide over there behind you? No, it's okay. You're okay. You're doing good. This is perfect. Okay. As long as you like it, Tony, I'll do whatever you want. Tony, did we die in a car accident? I think so. I think I, I think I picked you up in my Corvette and I sped down the icy roads and perhaps went off of one of the icy bridges and this is all a dream

because there's no way. How you doing? Oh, you're kind of cute. I've never seen you before, by the way. Thank you. I know this is going to be offensive. I'm sure you're like super big and all that shit, but I've never seen you. Okay. Why are you looking at me? Look at him. Torch, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? You think you think I've been doing stand-up? That's hilarious. Yeah, this is my, this is my first time getting up on a stage like this. How long have you been a puppet? How long have you been alive for? Whatever in puppet world, whatever the fuck, I don't even give a fuck. I don't even give a fuck. What's in your fridge? Faggot.

Tony. Okay, okay, okay. So yeah, I've been, I've been alive for about two and a half years. Two and a half years. So the guy has had his hand up you off and on for two and a half years? Yeah, well pretty much. I mean, if you can see, I mean two and a half years practicing and this is your first time on stage. This is my first time on a real stage. I do, I do a live show online. I'm super famous on there, trust me. Really? Where can people find this? On an app that's only in China. Okie dokie. Go ahead, Allie. Are you, are you trying to be a ventriloquist? I am, no, I'm a puppet. Okay, does whoever's arm is in your asshole, are they trying at some point to be a ventriloquist? I don't think I know anything about these guys, I'm just a puppet.

Got it. Is that Alex Jones? It is an interesting method. You just call me Alex Jones. That is, that's like an honor. Isn't that like big around here? Yep. Isn't that like a good thing? Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay, Torch. D-Madness is telling Torch the puppet to shut up. In an unbelievable turn of events, D-Madness is taking a stand. No, don't get up, don't get up these. Sit down, sit down, sit down. Hey, it's okay. I'm still, I want to go be your friend. Hey, can I play? It is one of the weirdest things. For those of you that didn't notice, Torch the puppet's puppet master, whatever you'll call it, put on a COVID mask before coming on the stage because obviously he hasn't gotten good at

not moving his mouth at all. So literally, you put it on just for this. Little did you know you would be facing the other way the whole time, so it didn't matter. Why, Torch, why do you think the guy with his hand up your ass never took the time to get good at being a ventriloquist? Well, I'll tell you this right now. You know, there's a whole concept behind the show. You know, you kind of got to follow the show and understand this is, this is actually out of the ordinary. What is the concept of your show? Okay, you know, imagine South Park and Crank Kick is fat and then, you know, they had a show. Imagine South Park and who fucked? Crankankers. You know, Crankankers. You know, the funny, you know, yeah, the funny stuff. The funny stuff. Right.

Yeah, South Park and Crankankers. It's like if South Park and Crankankers had an unfunny thing. Yeah, pretty much. Okay, what does the guy with your hand, what does the guy with his hand up your ass do for a living? I think he drives like 18 wheelers or some shit. I don't know what he does. Okay. Torch the puppet. I'm scared to say something in case there's also a gun up that puppet's ass. Where do you live? Where do you live, Torch? It seems like you're visiting from somewhere. Yeah, I kind of had to come along with him. I live in Dallas, Texas. Okay, all right. This guy gets it. He's also from there apparently. Right. Did you come here just for the show or? No, I brought you all the mail or he brought you all the mail. You know, he works for the UPS.

Okie dokie. There he goes. Torch the puppet, everybody. One more time for Torch the puppet. There goes Torch, everyone. There goes Torch, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, normally we start the show with Hans Kim. Tonight we're going to do something a little bit special. Start it with a bucket pool. What do you guys think about that, huh? Your first comedian of the night goes by the name of Alex Olinger, everybody. Alex Olinger. Here he comes, everybody. Make some noise for Alex Olinger, everyone. Oh, thank you. I can reach it, you fucking. Oh boy. All right. I have to follow in Torch the puppet. Let's fucking do it. No, setting me up good. Fucking

puppet. I got this. Get in your comedy zone. It's just a fucking puppet, dude. Do not let it thwart you. You are a comedy god. It is just a man with his hand up the ass of a puppet. And this is your dream. That's ok. This is just your dream, man. Oh, uh, ok. I got a girlfriend. No, we're having trouble. She's like five foot tall, you know. She's 24, she's Gen Z. Dude, she won't stop wearing oversized men's overalls. She's, I'm like, dude, could you stop? She's like, I'm expressing myself. I'm like, I look like a pedophile, dude. All right, well, let's call it before I get busted. No, no, no, no, no. Keep

going. Keep going. You did good. I liked your first 40 seconds where you talked about the puppet. Let's hear a little bit. Thank you. Dude, the other day with my girlfriend, we were out to eat. She ordered chocolate milk. It's like, what the fuck are you doing right now? She's like, it's delicious. I'm like, dude, I'm 31. I have a beard. I can't kiss a girl with a milk mustache. You fucking kidding me right now? Dude, chocolate milk is like a lighthouse for sex trafficking. You just see that shit. You just get honed in. Like, he stole it. He fucking stole it. How about this? A lot of, a lot of tall women online are calling their boyfriend short kings now.

Why was that sexy, dude? That sounds like something you call a pissed off child. Like, have you heard the story of the short king little guy? He wasn't a king until he ate all his vegetables. Yes. Thank you. Alex Olinger. Have you been on the show before? Yeah, like seven months ago. Okay. Very good. This was a great performance, Alex. I can't tell. Maybe it wasn't, but I think it was. I think it was. That's fantastic. How long have you been doing stand up? About five or six years.

You from the Northeast? North Carolina. North Carolina. Very good. And what do you do for work? I'm a welder. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Well, not for long. I got hammered the other day and quit my job. So. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. What kind of hammered? Like drunk or like Paul Pelosi? You see what I mean? Like that joke normally would have. Oh, there you go. Thanks. Sure. Yeah. Thanks a lot. Stop it. Stop that. Oh, fuck. I don't know what to do. You're a funny guy, Alex. Thanks. Very, very cool. So you got hammered before welding?

No, no, no. I knew I needed to quit, but I was too scared to do it. So I typed out my two weeks notice, left it on my computer, and then I got real hammers. And I got home at 2am. I was like, yeah, fuck this, dude. I sent the email. And then I forgot about it and came into work hammered or hungover. Wow. Yeah. How long ago was that? Oh, about a week. So it was a polite two weeks notice. So it was very well written. You still have a week left of welding? Or did they fire you the next day? No, no, no. I have until Friday. Right. Okay. So what are you going to do after Friday? I have no idea, dude. I'm extremely scared. Yeah. Really? So is my girlfriend. Yeah. Wow. What does your girlfriend do for work? Yeah. I'm fucking around. She works at a restaurant.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Wow. What? Okay. She's a server at a restaurant. And she drinks chocolate milk. Yeah. Okay. How long have you been with this girl? About a year and a half. All right. What do you love about her? She's probably the sweetest, kindest, most loyal person I know. Oh my God. No, I'm serious. What? Fuck you guys, dude. That's bullshit. Can we have a moment? What is that? What is that? Can you give us an example of a time that she was so sweet and so loyal and so kind? Can you give us something like that? I stopped taking my antidepressants and then I went to an open mic and bombed for five minutes talking about punching ET in the face. And then I came home and cried in

her lap. And then she was like, all right, that's fine. But she didn't leave. She thought she would leave you after bombing for five minutes? No, because if that was the case, eight people got dumped on the show before you. Just kidding. None of them have anybody. How did you guys meet? Do you know Sam Prickett? Yeah. Yeah. It's his girlfriend's little sister. Oh my. How old is she? She's 24. Okay. She loves chocolate milk. She just wears my clothes. I don't know. You guys the same size? She's about yay big. Right. A short queen. Okay. Alex, give us the most interesting thing about your life, something, perhaps a skill or a talent or something. Oh, I was thinking about this in the back. When I was a baby, when I was being born,

I wouldn't come out of my mom. So they had to suck me out by my head with a vacuum. And then when I was born, I had a cone head for a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, that's up there on my list of stories to tell. Do you still, do you still have a cone head? And that's why you wear the beanie? Yeah. You covering up your little county? Yeah, you should see me in my ghost outfit on Halloween. It's terrible. Right. That fucking cone head, dude. Right. Real offensive to the neighbors. I tried to explain. I was sucked out with a vacuum. This is not racism. I was a vacuum baby. And I support the blacks. It's unbelievable. What happened? Nothing. He keeps hitting a button called

vacuum that isn't funny at all. It's nothing. It's my problem, not yours. I promise you. This is who I've decided to hunker down and work with every week. It's so cool. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Wow. Look at that. Do you have one of these? You already have one? You do have one already? I gave you a little one. Last time he gave me a little one because I'm so short. That's right. You know what? You've grown up. There you go. Alex Olinger. Fix the mic stand. I couldn't let torch the puppet do it. Oh my God. He's going to have to be kidding me. You're joking, right? You know what? Forget about the Thursday.

Fix the mic stand. It's not that way, by the way. He's tightening that motherfucker. Right when you thought we found a good one. Here he is. Five years in the game. Doesn't know whether the mic stand goes. Please don't do this to me. Left or right. Red Band, do not help him. Red Band, you are fundamentally unfunny tonight. Stop doing everything you want to do. Oh my God. Oh my God. Alex Olinger. Hey, he's walking away with a gel blaster. Look at that. All right. Okay. Make some noise for Big Texas, everybody. Big Texas. As anyone else out there trying to work on their posture, that guy just stood up straight.

I cracked the code. You don't even have to try. All you got to do is just put on a tight shirt, especially around the belly, and then you just go sit somewhere outside in public, and you're just going to be like, like it could be four hours. Any amount, it could be a graduation. You're just sitting there. That belly shame. That belly shame runs deep with all of us. So I was raised Christian. And so it was really hard to jack off, mainly because there was one computer in the house, and it was in a very central location. And I don't know if you know this, but old people have no rules. So my grandma lived with us, and she wanted to chalk the chariot. If she wanted to chalk

the chariot at 3am, she's going to go get one. So I had to print out my porn to read it. So I'm reading literatica as I grew up, and it sucked in high school. But then when I went to college, there you go. Big Texas, everybody. Hello, Big Texas. Hey, what's up? How are you? I am amazed that I got called up. I'm very blessed to be here. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, everybody. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. I threw my jacket off the floor. Yeah. Fuck this thing. Yeah. You show that jacket. Yeah. You're a big guy with a small head. You know that? No, I've never heard that one. Nobody's even told you that before. There's a lot of misshapen people on tonight's show. Big Texas. How long have you been doing stand-up?

My real name's Nathan Garner. Okay. Well, what a little trick you pulled on me. Look at that. Yeah. Ling. A year and a half of performing, but I've been riding longer than that because I wanted to make sure I could make a joke first. So I tried riding, and then I tried performing the jokes that I wrote. So you've been performing. That's how you do comedy. Okay. You've been performing for a year and a half. Yes, sir. Okay. Where at? Just local open mics. Elbow room, LOL. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a paramedic firefighter. You're a firefighter? Oh, shit. Look at you getting cats out of trees without the ladder. That's the only thing we do. I get paid so much money for that. I stepped on the punchline. Very good. There was a punchline

there, but you were so excited to say that you indeed get cats out of the tree. I'm an eager beaver, dude, for sure. Indeed. Absolutely. You are a, you're like if there was a round rock leprechaun or something like that. Ali, what do you think about this guy? I just want to hear a sermon. You know, I want to hear the word of God. You know how to do that? Can you give us a little sermon? A little hell of a brimstone? Yes. Yeah. Okay. If you're not constantly talking about Jesus and you are trying to stick shit in your butt, then you're going to fucking burn. You will burn if you like to love other someone into the butt. Okay. There he goes. Big Texas, everybody. On to the next one we go. We might get through everybody in the bucket tonight.

Big Texas. Take a little jokebook. Robbie Cumeso is next on Kill Tony. Robbie Cumeso. Robbie Cumeso. Here he is. Make some noise for Robbie, everybody. My mother's trying to find me a wife. I might look young to you all, but I'm 41 years old in African years. So I'm getting up there, you know. I don't mind getting married. Just the sort of women she'd be trying to set me up with. Because what Congolese? She'll call me out and know I'm like, Robbie, there's a cute Congolese girl at church. I think you guys will get along. You should talk

to her. I just want to tell her, look, mom, your son's a freak. Look, I want a girl to suck my toes, you know. Then step on my nuts, you know, just like someone. And you're not going to find those girls at Congolese church. I'll tell you that right now. They're in Houston, Texas. That's... Fuck yes. Fuck yes. Robbie Cumeso. Welcome to the show, Robbie. This is your first time here? Yeah, yeah. I love it. Where are you from? Congo. Really? Indeed. Indeed. We went from a short king to a lion king, everybody. This is incredible. I love it. What do you do for a living? I just Uber and, you know, just kind of...

Hell yeah. Absolutely. How long have you been in America? 13 years. 13 years. I love it. And you were, you came straight to Texas? No, no. I went to Jefferson City, Missouri. It's a very... Wow. What made you pick Jefferson City, Missouri? We just knew some people there. You know, my family brought us there. That seems unbelievable. There's people... Yeah, yeah. Chandy's insisting, but all I was going to say was it's shocking that I would guess that Jefferson

City would be one of the more racist places, but they're just inviting people straight from the Congo to be their resident blacks. They're like, all right, we don't want many of them, so let's just get the few of the blackest blacks we can get. Let's go straight to the Congo. It's like concentration. Yeah, they can mix it with a bunch of water and then they can have more black people. Incredible. So, you Uber, how about... Who'd you come here with? You have parents, stuff that came with you? Oh, yeah, my whole immediate family, yeah. Yeah, how big is your immediate family? Too many kids. Seven, seven. Seven kids and two parents. Yeah. Wow. Are you the youngest? The oldest?

Middle. Middle. Oh, my goodness. What do your parents do for work? My mom works at Walmart, but she's in Denver. That's why I'm here, you know. She's in Denver? Yeah. She lives in Denver? Yeah, she lives in Denver, yeah. So they moved from Jefferson City or your mom and dad split up? Wait, there was... Wait, there was no dad? Oh, yeah, he was around, but you know... What's that mean? She happens. That always works. That was a good one, Red Band. Always works. Okay. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this dad thing. It seems like a little bit of a soft

subject. Did he come from the Congo to Jefferson City? Yeah, yeah, he came with us. And then what happened? He died. Oh, yeah, I tried. A lot of dead dads on tonight's show. How did he die? A car accident, yeah. Do you... Okay, Red Band's sobering up. It's official. Do you drive Uber to honor your father? Yeah, yeah. Do you drive UberX or Uber Blackest? It's the worst experience being an Uber driver. What was that? No, no, I'm a delivery. I only like go around, you know, Austin and deliver people's food, you know.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What do you love about Austin? How long have you been here? I've been here like two months. What made you want to move here to Austin? I was in Denver, so, you know, I just moved here. The comedy here is nice. Right. Did you ever perform at the Comedy Works in Denver? Great place. One of the best clubs on Planet Earth. But you're like, you wanted to be around more people, better scene? Yeah, better scene, yeah. More opportunities, yeah. Right. Okay. What's the most fun thing that you've done in Austin? What do you love about Austin?

Right now, I'm trying to like look for Mopad. That's really... Mopak? Mopad, you know, like the little scooter? A moped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Very confusing. It sounded like you said Mopak, which is a freeway. We could have given you directions there. That was a problem I almost solved for you, but instead it is a moped. Why do you want a moped so badly? You really do want to follow in your father's footsteps. Or tire steps.

Tire tracks, yes. Why do you want a moped so badly? Just easier to live around Austin, you know, to get a... I have a shitty car, so, you know... What kind of car do you have? Ford Focus, 2012. Wow, yeah. I've crashed it too many times. Right. It's interesting that it's a Ford Focus, because if your dad would have done that while driving, he'd be alive.

Still really, this is a traumatized audience here tonight. I love it. So your mom works at Walmart. Did she meet another man yet? No, you know, she's like all kids' family, you know, focused on that. Absolutely. Your most successful sibling, what did they do? I don't... I mean, we're still trying... My older brother is pretty cool, you know, yeah. What does he do for a living? I don't know. He's just graduated. He does a lot of business shit, so... Okay, business shit.

Okay, you're going to be an Uber delivery driver forever. You know that? No, I'm kidding. You don't even know what he does? How about your least successful sibling? The one that everybody thinks is the runt, the one that does the least, what do they do? You're looking at him. Boom. Boom. Gave you a little beach ball and you popped it right back at me. I love it. Robbie, you are a very, very, very funny, very, very likable man.

I hope that you come back again, sign up again. I like your style. You were... I just want to let you know, I think you were much funnier than the guy that Red Band invited to do the secret show on Thursday, but Red Band's racist, so best of luck. Hey, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. All right. I can't see him. There he is. You got a gel blast. Hey, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday, all right? Good job, my friend.

All right. Momentum has been built officially. I'm going to do something special here and bring up the thing that I knew would work the entire time, unless of course God in his sense of humor is going to grace this man with a bad set, but I doubt it. Ladies and gentlemen, this man won the golden ticket a while back. He's from Toronto, Canada. He is what's it called globally challenged. He suffers from almost every type of whatever you would call that. Ladies and gentlemen, he's a legend on this show. He's on a hot streak right now. This is the one and only Jared Nathan, everybody. Happy birthday to Grant, by the way. Happy birthday, Grant. Come on, make some noise for Jared Nathan. I'm so happy. My mom never named me Bob.

But she had a terrific idea to call me Jared with seven motherfucking jeans. Coffee drinkers who drink decaf. We smokers who smoke down to eight. It's like going down on a on a fat chick. All flavor. No taste. Yeah, motherfucker. Boom. Ladies and gentlemen, let's just let's let the record show one, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, 10 plus 11. And the retard has done better than everybody else tonight. It's unbelievable. He does it every time with a new minute. He makes it look easy. And you're, what do you call it? Globally, what? I'm globally delayed, motherfucker. Globally delayed, which means if you're wondering, if you don't know, which a lot of people don't, it means he's affected by almost everything. A little bit downsy, a little bit artistic, a little bit palsy, little palsy. That's right. Like a motherfucker. Yep. Machine gun. Absolutely. Yeah.

Golden ticket winner, Jared Nathan. You know it. I'm going to be honest with you. That first joke, I didn't, I, the one that was started with, yeah, what was the word that you said? I'm so happy. My mom never named me Bob. Bob. Bob. Bob. All right. What the shit?

Tony. Tony. Yes, chair. I thought I saw you in a fucking alley. What? I thought I saw you in an alley tying your shoes. Oh, no. Are you, is this a set up to a, wait, what are you? Oh, what? You saw me in an alley tying your shoes? Uh-huh. And then I took a second look. You were stuck in someone's clock. It's how you shoot. I was bad. I was bad to the bone. No. Jared Nathan, what's been going on with you this week? Tell us about it.

I had a fantastic fucking weekend, Tony. Goddamn right. Fantastic fucking weekend. You're living your best life. Tell us about it. I want the San Antonio. San Antonio. Yes. What'd you do there? I want the fucking Royal Rumble. The Royal Rumble. Or his globally delayed people call it Disney World. You know it. Oh. A lot of my people there, Tony. Yeah. What were some highlights of the Royal Rumble? Cody fucking Rhodes. Cody Rhodes won the whole thing. Cody Rhodes won it. Right.

Okay. My jazz came back. Oh, wow. That's a big deal. My whole. What? I don't know. The reference took some rosy pens. Okay. We got it. It's that baseball. So I love it. What else happened this week? Anything else interesting happened here? I did a mainly thing on Thursday. You did a what? No, not mine. Okay. Royal Rumble is fucking awesome. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Yeah. We're fucking high seats. Uh-huh.

I cut. I do my thing. What'd you do? We sat in the fucking disabled section, Tony. Oh. We sat in the disabled section. My people. Right. Do you try and like ham it up if you're doing the disabled or do you just do you? Right. You're like, can you help me? My seats are Ali actually asked a really, really smart, very good question. Do you act a little bit more, you know, fucked up when you're asking for better seats in a sold out stadium like the Alamo

Dome in San Antonio? You put it on a little bit like fucking. I have anxiety and I can't sit so close to people. I can't sit so. No. Come on. Pretend like I'm a security guy at the Alamo Dome, right? I need you. You walk you walk up to me. Okay. I'm just doing my job. Okay. Excuse me. Oh, okay. Yeah. Uh, hello. How can I help you, sir? The elevations is a little too high for me. And my neck is getting strained because I got neck problems, my surgery. You see? Yeah, I do see your scar. No big. Right. I have anxiety.

Okay. Too many people are so close to me. All right. I'm getting cramped. Okay. I might throw something you might cause a fit. Oh, yeah. Can you please help me so I could enjoy my time as a Royal Rumble, please? Well, I would have given him those seats five seconds in. I'd be like, yeah, you're good. The only problem is, is that everybody else at the Royal Rumble has the same condition as Jared. So it's, it's, it's really hard to get a good seat when everybody's there for their make-a-wish. Motherfucker. I love you, Jared. I love you, Tony. You are an unstoppable force. You are a perfect fit on this show. Thank you for being patient tonight. He was supposed to be on stage an hour ago,

but I wanted to see how fucked up the episode could be. And goddamn it, we found out. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, one of the great regulars in the history of the show, famous for his roasting and comedic writing and delivery, selling out all around the country as a headliner. One of the greats, David motherfucking Lucas, everybody. Make some fucking noise for David Lucas, everyone. Yeah. Girls are so weird on these dating apps, man. Like, they be on these dating apps. Like, I got three kids and I'm looking for my king. It's like,

ha, ha, bitch, what? What type of man buy a car with 100,000 miles in an accident? You got a salvage title. I can't even get insurance on your ass. I might be fucking you with a hubcap fall off, man. Girls really be weird on them dating apps, man. They're like, I'm an ambivert. Well, bitch, I'm a pervert. Let's get cracking. What are we talking about, man? Girls are weird, man. Some women are weird, man. Like, the girls that want you to fuck them in their ass, they weird. It's like, bitch, you barely take care of your pussy. What I look like fucking on your ass. And if I want to fuck somebody in the ass, I just do it the right way. I'll

fuck a man. That's what being gay is for. All right, thank y'all, man. Hell yeah. Absolutely. I completely agree. You know, I agree with that. If the pussy's bad, fuck a dude. Another unbelievable performance, fucking fantastic. One of the greats doing sold out shows all around the country. How do you feel today? What's going on? I'm good, man. I'm, uh, well, I'm headlining my first theater this coming week and I'm 32 tickets away from selling out. That's sold out. 32 tickets is absolutely nothing this far away. Most people buy tickets day of nowadays. Yeah, I love it. So welcome. Tony, I heard you was endeavor popping your pussy this weekend. I was popping my pussy and making snow angels with a fire hydrant on my ass.

Bro, what the fuck is going on tonight, bro? Is it the ice store? What? I think so. I don't know. I thought I took a bad Molly nigga. I'm like, what the fuck? I can't explain it. One of the great questions that I asked myself before the show is, do I say Rosanne was going to be here and make it a storyline ongoing so that when the people that listen to the show are at an episode, when she does come, it's even that much crazier and sacrifice making the room super weird for tonight. Or do I not mention it at all and just have Rosanne on very soon when she's going to be on and I made the wrong decision. I said that Rosanne, I made a bad decision. Where does she live at? An hour away up in Hill Country, it's called. I don't know exactly.

Oh, I don't know. What she could be as racist as she want to be. Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Nobody from the Congo out there. It was diverse. You had a puppet and you had one of them. You had one of them. I'm the captain now niggas up here. You dick. That motherfucker driving in legal Uber. Hey, where you going? I thank you for five dollars. He just be waiting at the airport for niggas. Downtown 15. Oh, fuck, David. I fucking love it. I absolutely. That nigga might have had smallpox or

what's the other shit Africans be getting where it liquor for your insides? Ebola nigga. I'm scared. Y'all should have wiped this mic down after that nigga. What the fuck? He had a pillowcase on for our video. That's incredible. I can't believe you can get away with saying that kind of stuff. That's what I love about being black because I'll be able to call black people to N word with the hard ER. You know what I'm saying? Right. Right. I love like. Wow. Incredible. Incredible. There goes the YouTube money. There's when things couldn't get any worse. There you go. There's another

just a quick. I don't know. $20,000 down the train. Bleed that out. Oh, we're going to believe it. Don't you fucking worry. Don't you fucking worry. My goodness. Absolutely. What'd you do today, bro? Sit on frozen dildos? Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty much it. Put your dildo on the balcony then sit on it an hour later. Yeah. That should help you hemorrhoids, don't it? Yeah. Yeah, it does. Do you have hemorrhoids or is that impossible to find out?

Do we have to have, do we have to have like Christopher Columbus look for your hemorrhoids or something like that? Well, coming from a nigga that get anal exams five times a week. How's it look back there? It looks like elbow meat. Because you know the elbow in the booty hole got the same kind of meat. That's true. Yeah. Well, you're the meat specialist of this show, so I love it. He does meat and greets and candy greets and dessert and greets. And you do booty meats. David, you do a meet and greet where you sniff nigga's ass and tell the ethnicity. I think you're from Southeast Asia.

Yeah. Get away from me. I love it. I love it, David. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy going on? Shit, just doing this tour, man. You know what I'm saying? What did you come up with the name 2023 and me? That's what Tony named it 2023 and me. We were riffin' names when I was high as shit. I'm in Detroit February 24th in the 25th, so all you fucking carjacking niggas pulled up. Wow. You're in Detroit? Yeah, I might need a security guard. Because Detroit has the lions and the Detroit tigers, and now they're going to have the Detroit black bears, so that's good. That's my god. Or you go to Green Bay for the Green Bay Gays.

The fudge packers. The San Francisco fumble from behinders. So stupid. We might be running out. I think so. I think this is it. Bring another guest, I can't roast Ali because I promised her a kid three years ago. That's true. That's true. Yeah, I can't roast her, man. He was excited when I told him that Rosanne Barr was going to be here because he thought I said chocolate bar first. You know, David, I did hear that you met and hung out with Ali's mom recently. I did. She was trying to fuck. Oh my goodness. She sent me a photo. She looked thirsty. I was like, 15 years ago, I would have took you down. Your mom sent you a photo of them? Yeah,

and she was so close to his face in the photo. It was insane. And I want the best for her. And I ain't wearing no boxes that night, so she saw the bowls. Are you talking about your stomach? Yeah. David, you are the absolute best. I loved your set tonight. Fucking hilarious. David Lucas, everybody. Back to the bucket. We go. We should be done by now, but I demand an extra long episode. You guys think we should go to this bucket? Make some noise for Lisa Smith, everybody. Our first female of the night, I do believe. Very exciting. Lisa Smith, everyone. Hell yeah. Make some noise for Lisa, everybody.

No one you hollered at in 2020 and 2021 counts. I'll tell you, I tried to fuck my ex, a guy with a newborn, and then a white rapper. Yeah, it was bad. He was all like lyrical, spiritual, my raps are a miracle. And I was like, hey, shut that shit up. But also, what are you doing later? A guy with a kid was fine, but he would always want to be with the kid. I was like, wait, are you like raising him? He's like, Lisa, he's seven months. He's learning how to walk. And I was like, that's great. I'm trying to unlearn how to walk. So come over. I'm a way better hang than that kid too, because he can't even say daddy. But I can. Okay. All right, I'm trash. Okay, thank you.

Lisa Smith, everyone. Welcome, Lisa. This is your first time on the show, right? How long have you been doing stand up? Six years. Six years. Where at? Mostly Atlanta. Mostly Atlanta. Is that where you live now or here? No, I moved here. How long ago did you move here? Like July. Okay. What do you love about Austin, Texas? That's a good way to get the crowd on your side, I was saying. Oh, okay. I like that. I make money here. I have a good job. That is one of the definitely perks of this place. What's your good job? Well, it's okay. I do like graphic design and like update a website for a health company. Okay, you make good money. That's okay. Is it Pfizer? It's non-profit. Oh, okay. Then it's definitely not Pfizer. No, yeah. That is a very profitable

company. Yeah. All right. What do you like to do for fun? I do well comedy and I like to go to like a lot of music shit. Like what kind of music shit? I like. Have you ever seen any of this, these amazing band members out and about? No. Sorry. You are the most unlikable, likable person I've ever seen in my entire life. You should be crushing right now, but everything that comes out of your mouth is unlikable. You are likable, but everything you say is unlikable. I've heard that before. Oh, you have? It's incredible that you talk to a lot of people that have good awareness. Yeah. Was that on purpose? No. No. What did you do for work in Atlanta? I was an Uber driver. Wow. There's definitely a theme tonight. I love it. Lisa,

what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of a black girl that's into white boys. Am I correct? Yeah, but I like great answer again, Lisa. I'm so glad you entered a show business. What? That was everything but an answer. I think I trick white boys. I like ruin their credit. That was an attempt at a joke. What's the honest answer? Well, I have a boyfriend now, and he's half white. What's the other half? Mexican. Wow. That is incredible. What is it? What's this guy do for a living? He's a teacher assistant. Oh, fancy. The breadwinner of the family. Where'd you meet him? Tender. Okay. Where was your first date with this guy? A Mexican restaurant. Oh, wow. He had a shift. Yeah. He was the. Yeah. So you went to a Mexican

restaurant. You had some margaritas or something like that. Yeah. Lickered up. Did you guys hook up that first night? No, he didn't want to. Whoa. You wanted to and he didn't. Yeah. Yeah. That means that means red band thinks he's gay. Okay. Okay. So did you say, hey, you want to go back to my place or something like that? And he's like, no, thank you. No, we went back to my place and then he said, no, thank you. How did he say it? How does that go down? Oh, at least said no grass. Yes. Yeah. Her best joke of the night and she didn't say it into the microphone. How did it go down? I think he just like, he doesn't do like the first night thing. So that's

what he, that was his excuse. So what happened the second night? Second night, he just starts eating your ass right from the get. It's like, I'm sorry. I know it's a weird policy, but it's just the first night after that. I'm crazy. I think, uh, like he did things for me. So I think after that he was like ready. Right. Okay. Like we moved a couch so that he was probably like, yeah, I need my payment for them. Well, I mean, you could have just given him $5. It's a half Mexican. So all right. Do you do cosplay? Good question. Um, no, let me ask you this. Has anyone ever told you that especially from, for being from Atlanta, you sound extremely white? Yeah, I have heard that before.

Yeah. Why do you think that is? Uh, I moved around a lot. So I was only Atlanta for like five years. And then you moved to the Valley of California. I've never been there. Where, where were you that, uh, made your accent? I don't know. All right. We're right back to the bucket, I guess. There she goes. Lisa Smith, everybody. Lisa, take one of those. Very good. There she goes. Lisa Smith. What do you point that? No, there's no time tonight. There's no time tonight. All right. Oh my goodness. This young lady made her kill Tony debut two weeks ago. I know it for a fact. It was extremely memorable. We got one minute out of her. I'm very excited to see a new minute. This, uh, this is, I might totally be wrong, but I really believe that this is one of the Austin

comedians of the future. Her second appearance ever on the show makes some noise for Jamisha Albo, everybody. I'm excited about this. Here she is, everybody. My name's Jamisha. Uh, I've lived in Austin for one year now, a few weeks ago. Uh, I've gained a lot of weight since I've moved here, but what makes me feel better about gaining weight is those thick ass mannequins at Target. Have you guys seen these bitches? These bitches got thick. I feel like Target is working on the front lines of obesity in America right now. They're fucking killing it. I can talk shit because I'm an obese woman, according to the BMI chart. Y'all know this motherfucker. BMI stands for body mass index, but to me it's more like

be a mind your goddamn business, right? And you only see thick mannequins in the women's section, right? You never see them in the men's section. All the male mannequins still have the V cuts on them, right? Because all men have V cuts. I do think that all men have V cuts. It's just that sometimes instead of the V cut, it's shaped more like a U gut. I'm not going to be happy until I see a male mannequin with khaki shorts, a fishing rod, and a fucking barely buttoned Hawaiian t-shirt. Thank you guys. Jamisha Albow making her second ever Kill Tony appearance. Two weeks ago, you were on the show and you won a spot on the secret show, a showcase on the

comedy mothership Door Guy Showcase and a weekend of work in your hometown of Baltimore with Adam Ray. With Adam Ray. I just flew back last night. We did five shows at the Gooby Joke House in Baltimore, Maryland. World famous comedy club. Another one of the great comedy clubs with Planet Earth. And how did it go? Absolute blast. Yeah, I got to open and host for him. Three nights that we were there and it was a wonderful experience. So awesome. Yeah. And you got to have some family and friends. Absolutely. A lot of people came out and supported and loved the show. It was the first time they had ever seen me do comedy. So it was really truly the best weekend I've ever had. What a great homecoming. How was the showcase for the Rogan's new club?

So I wasn't able to attend that. Red Band and I think Curtis said they might set something up for me at a later time, but I'm not sure how that's unfolding right now. Oh, so fucking random. But I flew out to Baltimore the day of the show. How amazing. They couldn't give you the three minute showcase. No, no, no, no, no, she just wasn't in town because I flew out on Thursday. Gotcha. Okay. That was the first night at Magoobies was there. Unbelievable. I can't believe those two matched up. That sucks. Okay. And, uh, but your Thursday regular show, how did that go? Oh, it went great. I, uh, it went good. Um, I actually ended up following Rogan, which was an interesting experience. Right. Yes. Right. Red Band was nervous as shit. I was. I was like, Oh my God,

this poor girl like, like, like following Rogan, that's hard. That's like boss level. He's been doing it like 35 years at a ridiculously high level. For sure. How did that make you feel? It made me feel a lot less nervous for other things. So I felt like I was able to demonstrate something that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to, uh, by being given that opportunity. So it was nerve wracking, but I'm happy. Yeah. It is incredible. Thank you. Thank you. That is incredible. Thank you. I appreciate it. Having someone up here who answers the questions that I asked them is just shocking at this point. I'm like, wait, what? I'm just so happy I didn't leave. I don't know if Tony's already asked you last time you were on, but what other jobs have you

had? Cause you're very like, um, oh yeah, I've been a professional for a very long time and now I'm a degenerate. So we're all good. Um, but I spent nine, I spent nine years working for a company called Wegmans. Uh, it's over on the East coast. Yeah. You guys are Wegmans crop. So I got to do some Wegmans material for them in Baltimore while I was, while I was there. Yeah. It was very nice. Jamisha, you're a goddamn little angel. I love your style. It's incredible. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. This is likability on top of likability. You already got a big joke book. You already got pretty much everything you can have at this point. Do I? Yeah. I think so. We have nothing more to give you. I don't know. You want an undertaker at all?

No, I'm kidding. I don't want to give it away. It's a gift from the undertaker. It's Austin zone. The undertaker. How about one more time for the great Jimmy Shalbo everybody? What do you guys think? I mean, this is, should we go to the bucket again? All right. Make some noise for Sean Merriman, everyone. Sean Merriman. Here he comes, everybody. The Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Sean Merriman. What's going on? I'm Sean originally from New York. We came down to Austin to escape the cold in the liberals, but not so much luck there. I've been eating out of a truck for 48 hours.

We got four guests at one Airbnb, one bathroom. We've been running a fucking train on that bathroom. Let me tell you. God damn, eating off the back of a truck, a lot of Italians where I grew up. So I know a thing or two about the back of a truck and things falling off of it. Breakfast tacos and all that. Anyway, I'm autistic according to the therapist that diagnosed me. Getting diagnosed autistic in a small farm town like the one I grew up in is a little weird because people don't know what autism is. They don't know how to interact with autistic people. So they just treat you like you're regular retarded. You know what I mean? They're just like, it's a good time to lie to Jay. It's not a Jay, it's a blunt.

A Jay is short for a joint. I figured, what do we have to lose, right? If the police come in here, it's going to be fucking hilarious. Sean Merriman, how long have you been doing stand-up Oh, thank God. Holy shit. Wow. All the other first timers up tonight have been doing it for like five years and shit. That's incredible. I think you're just the first one to be honest. Sean, welcome to the show. Your first time ever. How old are you? I'm 27. What made you want to start stand-up comedy here tonight? I'm just a huge fan of the show and I got bigger balls than any of my friends here. So you came with a big group of friends? Me, my girlfriend, my buddy, and his wife. Okay. See, you have bigger balls than two girls. To be honest, they got bigger

balls than the both of us. That's for sure. Right. Okay. What do you do for work? I run tree crews for an electric company. I'm an arborist. Okay. The most boring. Right. Absolutely. Well, I think you're barking up the wrong tree here today. Sean Merriman, you said you're here with your wife? None of it on my girlfriend. How long have you been with her? So we were together for a year. We broke up and now we've been together again for like six months. Okay. Let's talk about this. I love that answer. Yeah. I love that answer. It's good. It's good. It's real. It's honest. Yeah. So you were together for a year, then you broke up for a year and now you've been back together for six months. So we broke up like right before the pandemic. So we were broken up for like two and, you know,

such a weird time to break up. Yeah. Pretty bad time. It was a really lonely pandemic. Why did you guys break up the first time? Because be honest. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. And I didn't realize with what? With life. You know what I mean? Like, I didn't realize how good I had it with her. Okay. And I was like, you know what, I don't know if this is what, you know, I thought you were just like really bad at sex or something like eating out her belly button or something like that. I didn't know what I was doing, Tony. I wasn't ready for a girlfriend. Okay. So you got your life figured out during the pandemic? Nope. Not at all. But I, I, you know, dated around a lot. And I realized, man, it was so much easier

with that person. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. And I moved around a lot and I finally moved back home, which is where she was. And we just fell back into each other, you know. Wow. Did you? Do you think it's going to last? I do. Yeah. Really? Yeah, for sure. Okay. What happened the first time around? Like, what was the problem that you guys broke up? So it was that he just didn't have his life together. Is that your real life? Yeah. You're not the first person to comment on it. I bet. Oh my goodness. Sean, do you have any special skills or talents? I mean, I play music a lot. Do you really? Yeah,

yeah. What do you do musically? I play piano, guitar, right? Really? Yeah. Really? Do you mind if I let this guy play your keyboard for a second? Ladies and gentlemen, I got to hear what this country bumpkin's about to do on a fucking professional keyboard. How about a hand for John Dees for sharing it? He's a real musician. He does not like doing this whatsoever. Oh, okay. Is that mic not on? Okay, let's get that mic on. You're going to sing something? It's a good start so far, Sean. He works in the comedy store.

Wow. I mean, the guy actually wrote a fucking song. Someone that signed up for the show with musical talent actually mentally prepared for the moment. That is another first here tonight. Sean Merriman. Wow. You were really struggling up until then. Yeah, yep, for sure. Wow. I can't believe it. That was absolutely incredible. The lyrics kind of made sense. Anthony's song by Billy Jones. I know. I customized it for your story. I literally heard it. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's incredible. Sean, that was so fucking cool, man. All I could possibly give you is a big cool joke.

How about one more time for Sean Merriman? Should we go to the bucket one more time? Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Aaron Belial, everybody. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. You guys still having fun out there? Here he comes, everybody. Make some fucking noise for Aaron, everyone. One more time for Aaron, everybody. Come on. I'm a better ventriloquist than that other fucking idiot. This doesn't count for my minute. Woo!

Most of you look confused as fuck right now. I know what you're all thinking. Who ordered Stephen Hawking off of Wish.com? We look similar, but the difference is Stephen Hawking is smart and I tell dick jokes. He might be smarter than me, but I would beat him in a race. Unless a hill is involved, then I'm screwed. We also have different conditions. He had amiatrophic lateral sclerosis, and I am Canadian. I'm French Canadian on my left side.

If there's more, everybody, hold on. If there's more that you want to do, you just go. And then whenever you want to be done, you be done. Here's Aaron Belial. I didn't hear the kitten over the roaring fucking applause. Holy shit, dude. That was amazing. I don't even know where to begin. What do you want? You can have whatever you want. What the fuck do you want? What do you want? What do you want? Can you tell us what the fuck you want? What did you come here? I'm going, this is going to take another hour. This interview is never going to end. This is a, this might be a two-part fucking exclusive. The longest, worst, best, worst, best,

best episode. What the fuck was my last question? Oh yeah, what do you want? Those two, just two hits of that. Tony, how are you going to make fun of my disability when you look like you're dressed by your fucking bass player? That's true. I didn't, wait a second. Wait, wait. Does he cut your hair too? Yes, this is incredible. And it's, it's great because you know that he's coming up with this on the spot because you see him just typing. He could have pre-written all that shit, but he's just like one second, one second. He did. He said, I didn't even, I asked him what he wanted. I was going to

give him anything in the world. He started making fun of me. That was, I can't speak and I still can't say chat GPT better than Ally. I'll beat your ass right now. Tony, Tony, can I just say, I'm so glad that Michael Lair can't see this right now. Jesus Christ. I mean, honestly, I know the crowd's groaning, but I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard you say. I found it to be hilarious. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Belial, holy fucking shit. I cannot explain how much I love you. This is incredible. I love real ass shit. And this is definitely that. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Okay, there you go. You're not just an asshole.

It's going to be like this fucking angry cripple almost had it all. It's about to give you my corvette. Just to see. I'm only half asshole. That's true. So is that the side Canada made you get vaccinated on? Correct. Aaron, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? I've got so many questions for you. If you end up playing Billy Joel tonight, I'm going to kill myself. I did stand up for the first time in Portugal last winter. Interestingly enough, I went to a show and the comics convinced me to try it. I've been doing it seriously for six

months hustling every weekend. Six months. You're kidding me. Six fucking months. Holy shit. Have you, I guess you've always been funny. This is a longer answer than I expected. Oh, I love. I've always been disabled, which kind of forced my hand. It forced it inward, you mean? Is that what you mean? All right. I like this. Oh my god. He must. So being being mute, I don't know anything about being muted. Like you have like the vocal things to talk, but your brain doesn't let you. Like I don't know what it is. Good question. Somehow I'm getting fucked up in your sober now.

I also have a few questions. Oh, I swear to God, you guys are stuck. Lock the doors, Nick. Lock the fucking doors. This is like good. This is like a Bronx tale. Now you can't leave. I don't want to get fingered by him. I want to get thumbed. Do you see what that's doing? It's how you're going to get the older. He's going to, he's going to hit your G spot and your handicap spot. I cannot wait to hear this. Oh my god. Everybody else just answers right away with something shitty. This guy does the exact opposite. Takes his time and fucking executes. So Red Band asked about the physical conditions.

Yeah, what was the question? He's like, uh, something to, oh, you're mute. So is there something connected to your brain? Oh, no, I don't know. I'm kidding. Ladies and gentlemen, the Aaron from Aaron Belial. A girl asked me to finger her once with my bad hand. She didn't fucking like it. She got mad. True story. She asked for that specifically. She asked for the old fucking hook and ladder. The old fucking ball and chain. The old fucking, look at that Rolex. Look at that fucking thing. Wow. That watch ain't going nowhere. Good luck to the six street fucking thief that tries to grab that watch. He's got it. Not, he's the only guy that's got the watch locked around his wrist

and he's holding it at the same time. It is, it is incredible. I'm telling you, if there's a pickpocket out there, good fucking luck with my new best friend, Aaron Belial. Why would you think you'd like this? Wait, somehow I didn't understand the thing. What was it? Oh, right. Cause she's a, she's a, she's a dirty hooker. Why would she want that? Thank you for the help miss. I love it. I've never had a translator for a translator before. She's very exciting. Aaron, you are the shit man. So what, can you tell us something about your life from

the previous up until six months ago? What were you up to? What were you doing? Why were you in Portugal? I'm going to stop asking questions here. Are we having fun here tonight or what? The night is a story of a comeback. Yeah. Start with one please. One question. Yeah. Okay. How about the first one that I asked about, uh, what were you doing before comedy six months ago? That's a big one. You have to have that one preloaded, right? My main job is as a senior solutions architect, basically software engineering.

I design cloud infrastructure pipelines. So developers don't need to think about how to run their apps. They just need to write the app. Holy shit. All that was a fancy way of saying that I Google shit all day and tell dick jokes at night. Incredible. How old are you? Shut up. 28. Wait, what? Oh, okay.

28. 28. Very good. That guy obviously works at a carnival. Can you? Can you perhaps you guys work at the carnival together? I don't know. Maybe this is an inside job. Can you change the like the voice settings or is that the one that you feel fits you the best? Yeah. Can you be a woman for us? Hold on. Hold on. When she said, can you change? I swear to God, I thought she was going to say a light bulb with

that hand. Just to let you know. It was Aaron Belial. Tony, you look like the Joker when you smile. If the Joker was a gay accountant. That's true. Again. And that is, I've always thought that about myself. Watch out, David Sullivan. David. Do you want to arm wrestle? I will use my bad arm so you aren't intimidated. I would rip that thing right from your fucking shoulder, by the way. Hey, are you in town? Are you in town Thursday? I would love to have you on The Secret Show if you're in town. Okay. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. My final question to you

is how long have we been up there? Can I go longer? Yep. Okay. Yeah. My final question to you, my friend, is the same question that I asked originally. What do you want? What is the best case scenario for you? You said you live in Canada, right? What do you want? Shut up. God, you guys with your dog shit answers. Somehow. Who said Red Band's mom? Who said that shit? Red Band, relax. It's not that funny. If I were to tell somebody that we did a comedy show here where like 150 people sign up and there's 350 people in the room and I showed them everybody, how many people in the world do you think would pick Jared Nathan and this guy? Like it is absolutely incredible today. What do you want?

I want to get a green card in the U.S. so I can actually be a comedian. What does someone need to do? Do they need to hire you for your tech job or how does that work exactly? Asian girls. I need like $30,000 for lawyer fees. You're going to take care of it? Ladies and gentlemen, our Iraqi friend. Literally. Are you serious? Guys, make some fucking noise for this guy. I don't even know this fucking guy. I met him during the commercial break. This is incredible. Are you serious? Is there anything you want to shout out or anything you want to you want in return?

No, we're going to do a pro bono. I mean just incredible. Oh my god, that's right. You're a fucking Harvard law guy. Your new lawyer is from Harvard, bro. All right, so that just happened. This is crazy. Do I need to suck your dick? Hand job. Hand job only. Left hand. He just wants the watch, man. He heard me say it's impossible and he's gonna fucking, he found a way. The Iraqi has a good joke. He's like, well, cut it Arabic style. Just cut it right off. He's got this fucking, this is our fan base. This is absolutely incredible. Amazing.

I was looking at this guy thinking to myself, how do I tell Aaron that his dreams are never going to come true? About the 30,000 and he stands up and fucking does that. I don't need it anyway. Trust me. The watch, you're good, Aaron. I love your style. I love your story. I love your execution. I love you on this show. You're so damn good. We want to make you an American. How about that? Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Belial. Welcome to another episode of Make Me an American. Whatever you want, man. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise for Aaron. I know. I know it's a long show. What's your name? Jamal? Jamal? Okay. I wouldn't have guessed Jamal. How loud can this place get for Jamal, everybody?

I swear to God. By the way, let me just say in advance to the internet, I swear to God, none of that was planned. I've never met Aaron before. I don't know that fucking guy. All right. That's incredible. Should we go to the bucket one more time? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm just kidding. Your final comedian of the night, one of the best to ever do it. The person with the most sets ever in the show's history. I cannot wait to hear what he has to say about this episode. Make some noise for the big red machine, William Montgomery. This man's gonna do that pro-bodo.

But, Tony, I have to be very honest with you. Ashton, come on out. Tony, you've literally been punk, dude. This whole fucking... Ashton's literally back there. Ashton! God, how crazy were some of those people? Marilyn Manson has been sued again for the sexual assault of a minor. Hard to believe the guy responsible for every school shooting of my childhood could be capable of such a thing. They found some more classified documents at Biden's beach house this past weekend. Yeah, they found the nuclear launch codes in one of Hunter's crack bags.

But seriously, this week Joe Biden claimed he forgot he had top secret files at his home saying, and I quote, you see, it's not just that I'm old and senile and shouldn't be president. Hunter Biden claims he would never hide government secrets, which makes sense considering he didn't hide the fact that he banged his dead brother's widow. One part of the police video they didn't show was when a cop, stone-cold, stunned Tyree Nichols and then another cop hit him with a steel chair. I'm kidding. It was fucking wrestling, yo. This past weekend. All right, that's my time. Come on, make some noise for William. He has to do this every week. Not an easy job.

And this is, without a doubt, I'm pretty sure the longest episode we've ever done in Austin, Texas. So you've been waiting a while. They're marinating. What's it been like? I am super sleepy right now. I've been standing right back there smoking joints. Super sleepy right now. Right. Do you like this jacket, Tony? Yeah, I... You like my jacket? Tony got me this jacket on my birthday. In Denver. We were in Denver. In Denver. It was snowing. We ended up kissing under a bridge for a second. I swear to God, it was so much romance. I've been finding red beard hairs between my teeth all weekend. Yeah, no. We celebrated your birthday. I know. It was very exciting. The shows that

the Comedy Works place were very fun. And you've lived in Denver, so it was extra special and fun. I did. It reminded me. I worked as a dishwasher at a place called Metal Art Kitchen, and I had a wart on my right palm one time, and I was washing dishes so it would get all wet inside of there, and it ended up being a colony of warts on my right hand. And then one night I got drunk as shit and just dug at the main wart with a knife, and I swear to God, the next day the warts were gone. How does that happen with all those warts? How do they all just leave if you kill the main one? I don't know. Wow. And I also had a horrible set up in Wyoming one time, and I went back to the restaurant, and I was doing cocaine. I was doing a key bump, and my penis was real small because I was

on cocaine. And my penis went back into my pants, and I peed all over the front of my pants and just proceeded with my fucking night like nothing had happened. Fucking Laramie, Wyoming. I hate that fucking place. I will never go back. But yeah, it was so much fun. It really was very nice. But seriously, is Ashton still back there? Really, he's here. Ashton is here. Kutcher. Yeah, Kutcher. Kutcher. Ali, it's been a while since you've seen William, right? What's going on? God, I love this man. Right. Yeah, nice to see you. You were very funny last night at Hanse's show. Thank you. Pretty sure you two have the record for the most sets ever on the show. This is in here. You are eye to eye right now.

Yeah, no, it's cool. I think it's awesome that William's been doing it for longer than me. I think that's great. Yeah, I think it's pretty cool that I fucking I've beaten your fucking record. You're never going to beat my fucking record. Yeah, you're skinny now. So yeah, that is pretty cool. I mean, I think about it all the fucking time. You're never going to surpass my fucking record. Yeah, whatever. I don't even want to. Bullshit. I don't even want to. I don't even want to be here right now. So it's not a big deal. Whatever. You're never going to fucking surpass my record. There's no fucking way. She never really said that she wanted to, but you seem very intense right now, William. That's the thing you take great pride in. I'll come back.

You're not going to come back. I won't. You're not going to come back. Let's fight. All right. No, I love William Williams, my favorite. God, hold on. Red Band looks extra scary tonight for some reason. You look extra sick or something. Are you doing all right? No. Are you off the testosterone, Red Band? No, he's fine. I'm doing good, man. How are you? Cool. Good. Are you? Yeah, I'm too great. I mean, it looks like something's wrong. No, it kind of does. It really kind of does. Your mouth looks yellow or something. Something's wrong. Really? Yeah, seriously. Something's wrong. I'm sorry. William was a doctor after he popped that wart. What? What? William, I perhaps have never seen you this mellow before. Is there anything

you're that you are passionate about right now that gives you energy? Dark chocolate almonds. All fucking night. What kind of dark chocolate almonds? Shit, I was eating some C's candies last night. Dark chocolate almond clusters. They're actually going to be a new sponsor of mine. C's candy. How much do you love C's candy? It's the... I'm going to get diabetes. I'm peeing all the time, but I don't know if it's because I drink all of those sparkling beverages I'm always drinking. Yeah, you do. A little fun fact about William and his sobriety. I guess we never really talk about this, but I've really noticed it lately is he drinks club soda literally continuously throughout the night so that he doesn't drink. But when I say continuously, I mean literally non-stop. I have

to pee so fucking bad right now. It's not even... I'm not joking. I have to pee so bad right now. When you're hanging out with him the entire time, at night, he's either talking, drinking club soda or going pee. That's true. I'm tea-teeing all the time now. How many dark chocolate almonds are you eating at night? Shit, last night I had 15 of the clusters. 15 clusters? Which was most of the bag. Wow. Yeah, 15... 15 probably... Because it's chocolate? Yeah, what is that? You fucking idiot? What was that, dumbass? Oh, because we were talking about soda. He did baking soda. Three and a half minutes. That's right. That's a lot of sodium. No, it's not. I don't think it is. Do you think it is? You have too much sodium going on with your fucking body. Your mouth is yellow. Your mouth is

yellow right now. Your face is yellow. Shut up, dumbass. William, again, I'm trying to figure out... Usually you're out here yelling and screaming about stuff. I don't know if you know this, but... I know. I brought some weed back from Denver and I think I was smoking a weed and something else infused joint and I was horrified about getting called up here and sure enough Ash didn't fucking show up. I swear to God, we've been talking via email for like three weeks now. He promised he would come up. So when he didn't show up, I was honestly horrified with just how the weird characters have been up here. Is there anything that you're passionate about right now other than dark chocolate almonds? Is there anything that like gets you fired up? Wait. You know what I'm saying? Are you

fucking dumbass? So I need to throw this guy out of here. Seriously. So I need to throw... The show is over in a minute. Depending. I'm trying to get you... I don't know. Good question. I've... Oh, man. I'm starting a new Need for Speed game. I can't get enough of Need for Speed. Yeah, I've started a new Need for Speed game. How much do you fucking love Need for Speed? It's the best. It's the best. This is our first time ever seeing a tired William Montgomery before, and I have to tell you, I love it. It is a different... It's a different vibe. Yeah, I'm high right now. Well, it's been a pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the big red machine, William Montgomery. Come on, one more time for William, everybody, and also for our guests tonight. Come

on, it's Ali Makovsky, everybody. Rolly, Atlanta, San Diego, Vancouver, Sacramento, Dania Beach, good tickets. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. That's what it looks like. Look, he drew tonight's episode all the way from Los Angeles. There it is closer up. You can see the paint there and everything. How about one more time for the band, everybody? Michael Gonzalez on drums, John Dees on the keys, D-Madness on bass guitar, Paul Deemer on the horns. Thank you to the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, D-Betty Bogg, a gel blaster, and the Austin Security Guard service, and of course, screwball peanut butter whiskey, Red Band. I love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. The official Kill Tony after party starts right now.

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