KILL TONY - #597 - JIM FLORENTINE + PUNKIE JOHNSON + EDDIE PEPITONE

Episode Date: February 21, 2023

Jim Florentine, Punkie Johnson, Eddie Pepitone, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/06/2023FACTOR! – Head to FACTORMEALS.COM/KILLTONY50 and use code“killtony50” to get 50% off your first box.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything golden pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H.Cliff.

Who's ready for the best goddamn night of their lives tonight, huh? Hippie, everybody. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, everyone. Hey, everybody. You're at Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka, Shell Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service, the best goddamn security guards in the world. Look at this guy over here. Give him a hand for DeWayne, everybody.

And I've got a hand for the best band in all the land, the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony Band, everybody. Are you guys with us tonight? We've got a guy biting his nails out here, fucking tripping balls. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, John Dees on the keyboard. This is Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, and that beautiful man. That's the great D-Madness on the bass tonight, everybody. We're going to have a lot of fun.

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three all at the same goddamn time. Unbelievable how excited I am. Three of my favorites. Make some noise for Punky Johnson, Jim Florentine, and Andy Pepito. Wow. Three of my favorites all at one. Punky motherfucking Johnson. Guys make some noise for our guests.

Wow. Three of my favorites all at once. We've all worked together forever. Punky and I worked at the comedy store together fucking a decade and a half ago. She is now one of these stars truly of Saturday Night Live. How cool is that, huh? She used to get me so drunk you would not believe. I would stand at her bar at the front of the comedy store, literally the front patio, and

I would sit there and we would get drunk as fuck and talk about how maybe one day we could fucking pass out little leather joke books to people trying out stand up and shit. Dreams are coming true. How about a hand for the great Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen, who's here visiting. Yet again, Eddie's all over on tour. Right, Eddie? You just finished a weekend here. Where can people get tickets for your shows?

Eddiepepitone.com. Perfect. Couldn't have said it better myself. I wish I had something wittier to say. It's a great sound and thanks for coming out. And how about a hand for the great Jim Florentine? I returned. These guys have all done this show before.

Jim has a podcast. Everybody is awful. Available everywhere. Jim, you're the fucking man. I've been listening to you forever since I was a little kid, listening to Howard Stern and fucking however long ago that was. Yeah, it was a long time ago. Thanks for fucking aging me.

I appreciate it. But yeah, it was, man. I appreciate it. And this is my first time doing Kill Tony. Oh, it is? I'm a virgin. Yes. Shit.

That is crazy. I feel like he's done it before. That's wild. Well, I feel like you've done it before. That's probably a really good sign. How many of you know what the fucking show you're at right now even is? You might know that lately over 150 people have been signing up every single week for the opportunity.

They're stacked out on the sidewalk right now. They're packed into the corner. Comedians make some noise. Are you guys back there? You hear that? You hear that sad roar? You ever just hear a bunch of wounded lions before? Oh.

Anyway, if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds, you know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which followed us here all the way from Los Angeles. It just roars when people go over their time, cuts them off, and then I interview them and we find out more about them all together. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen at any given moment.

You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Yeah. Well, your first comedian going up tonight is not out of the bucket. In fact, it is one of our great regulars. He starts off every single show. We've watched the boy go from sleeping in his van, eating fucking oatmeal cookies all day and all night. Now he's rich.

He just sold out a whole weekend in fucking Hawaii. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kipp. Hey, I love Texas because everyone has guns here. It even things out for skinny boys like me. What are you going to do? Shoot me. I'll just turn sideways. I was just in Honolulu.

I thought every public bathroom had a bidet in it, but turns out I was just sitting on a homeless guy peeing in my butthole. So the Chinese balloon got shot down. Man, these gender reveal parties are getting out of hand. He knows a girl because there was no confetti in it. In China, it's gender reveal parties are also called abortion reveal parties. Boy or try again. Thank you.

Hans, motherfucking Kim, coming in strong, fresh off of Hawaii. Hell yeah. You're living that life, Hans. Yeah, thank you, Tony. I love it. I wrote a note down here, homeless guy peeing in my butthole. It's a shame we don't give out like Academy Awards in this business because that may be one of the best written any things I've ever heard in my entire life.

It worked. That's the crazy part, is that it worked. Hans, how do you feel? I feel amazing, as always, another blessed day in the life under Tony Hinchcliffe's tutelage. I don't know if I can take all the credit, but thank you. I still like it every time you say it. You are doing really good. Anything crazy happen in Hawaii?

I went to Pearl Harbor, the site of our biggest W. Is that you guys that did that? That's the diaspora. Did you notice anything in particular that stood out to you at Pearl Harbor? The profound sense of loss. The sadness. Yeah, it was just like a museum to like a horrible time. It's like, why don't you make a museum for like, you know, something awesome?

It's like, they should pave it over and make like a, we drop nukes on Japan museum. That is true. This is your guys first time seeing Hans Kim. He's a pro. He's a regular here on this show. Any initial thoughts or anything about Hans? You're not planning on going corporate in your life ever, are you? Because you're never going to get a job.

I just need you to stay in comedy and stick to it strong. Because yo, you got some cancelable shit. And a lot of people can't handle it. And I love it. So you keep on going. That is hilarious. That is true. Punky is a fucking, a real fucking straight up thug that has to basically put on a business suit.

I bet you're, every time that access card opens the gate, you're like, fold them again. Let's go. Jim Florentine. You know, I saw Hans open an arena with Rogan and Tony and Joey Diaz is on the show too. And I never heard of Hans. And I'm like, who the fuck is this guy going on first? And he killed in like 20,000 people. I'm like, holy fuck.

And that wasn't easy. Thank you. It was really, it was really inspiring. Because I never heard of you just to go on first in front of 20,000 people just being comfortable up there and not panicking or anything like that. And your jokes are so brutal and awful. I loved it. And I mean that in a nice way to just, yeah, like you said, Punky, he's, yeah. Yeah.

It's amazing. He's not going to be on network TV, but that's what, that's what people love about him. Yeah. He's doing Texas style comedy out here. Eddie Pepitone, any thoughts on the great Hans? Uh, no. Uh, yeah. Hans, you do it every week.

We love you. You're a Stone Cold assassin. We love watching you grow. It's very, very, very hard to write and perform a new minute every week. You do it. Thank you. Hans Kim. Thank you guys.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. To the bucket we go, you guys ready for some crazy shit? I promise you anything can happen. We're going to start it off with someone named Shane Bianchi. Cheyenne, perhaps Bianchi. If handwriting is any indication of what we're in for, this is about to get wild.

Shane, Sareen Bianchi. Celine, could be Sareen Sherm. Shane Bianchi. Uh, so I, uh, drink the black out a lot. Yeah. And, uh, whenever I do that, I, uh, never get worried that I did something embarrassing. I was just worried I'd spilled my emotions. You know, I just go up to my buddy and I'm like, hey, hey, I didn't forgive my dad last night, did I?

And he's just like, nah, you just peed in your own mouth. And I'm like, thank God. I found out, uh, recently that big feet means big penis. And if that's true, how come we call him Bigfoot instead of the fat cock monster? Yeah, maybe that's why he's blurry, you know, they just got to censor out that huge cock. Oh, look, okay. Hell yeah. Shane Bianchi?

Am I saying that correctly? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shane Bianchi. Shane Bianchi or Shane Bianchi? You don't, do you don't care how people say it? Absolutely not. Really? Yeah, I mean, uh, it's supposed to be Bianchi because my dad's from Pittsburgh, but he said

Bianchi because he moved to Nashville and Bianchi sounds too foreign. Wow. Yeah. Your last name is evolving. Oh, yeah. Incredible. Well, welcome to the show, Shane. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Uh, five years. Five years. Where are you at? I moved, uh, I was starting in Nashville and then a year ago I moved to LA. So you started stand-up in Nashville, not at Hogwarts? What is that? Red Pan's very excited about something right now. Um, no, I love, oh, there it is.

Sometimes you can pick the song, but it's where you play the song. I really love it. I love it. Welcome, Shane. Uh, so what do you do for work? What is a guy like you? Usually you look like you play the organ at a haunted coffee shop. Yeah, Sean Bees live on the keyboard.

Haunted coffee shop music. Who wants an Americano? It's a double espresso. All right, all right, all right. All right, all right. Wild animals. I love it. So Shane, what do you do for work?

Uh, I drive for Uber. I just do Uber. Oh, a haunted Uber driver, everybody. If I get, welcome to my car. I expect five stars and five stars only. Oh, welcome to my Honda Civic. It is a four door capable of carrying up to five. It's just passed out there.

Laughing and performing at the same time is not easy. But you bring that out at me. You have a look that is hilarious. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Jim Florentown. Yeah, almost like Damian Eccles from the West Memphis three. That's what I thought he was.

I like him because he's weird and he's socially awkward. And that means he's going to be a good comic. He's already got good jokes. Totally. 100%. I've got star power. I'll never fit in anywhere. It'll be great.

Hell yeah. Absolutely. Punky. What do you think about this fucking Chucky doll mixing in with society? Um, I don't really want to say what I really think I'm scared of this nigga. Um, Taliban is the first thing that come to my mind. Um, but honestly, I feel like your comedy is really funny. It's like your setup punchline is like super super.

Um, honestly, uh, expert ish to me and you, you kind of give me a vibe of Keneson on some shit. I don't feel Keneson. I feel a headburn. In any matter you carry yourself extremely well. Do you have like a background in performing or is it just the five years of stand up? You do music or something? No, I don't do anything interesting.

Just stand up. Right. Yeah. What else other than driving Uber? Like is there a hobby that you're passionate about or something other than stand up? I'm not old enough to have hobbies, I don't think. How old are you? Like 25.

I told you he's a fucking weirdo. He's going to be great. He's going to be great. I want to thank you for going after Bigfoot and I have a possible tag. How about Big Dick? Okay. Okay. Yeah.

That is. That sound confirms it. That will make you money into the no pad of ghosts. Look at that. Can't lock those in. Oh lord, I thought you was pulling out a gun. Jesus Christ. Don't go in your pockets, boy.

Shit. You thought he was going to pull out a gun, punky? Right? Look at the tag. Oh, there it is. The pencil was a gun the whole time. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. I don't think it's in town.

We have some cool handmade leather Kill Tony book from the Great Bones Eye. Can you catch this? Yeah, yeah. It's a sweet joke book. Can I say one more thing? Hell yeah. Can I say one more thing? Yeah.

I won't be able to do Secret Show though because I'm leaving Wednesday. Oh, well that's just a sad ending. You could have said that after the show. Yeah. But I mean, you're still live, my friend. Your show biz right now. Yeah, what an energy killer that was. Give me the fucking joke book back.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Tony's got to get back to L.A. He's got hobbies to get to, so he can't do Thursday. There's better time to start than now.

There he goes, everybody. Shane Bianchi, everyone. And so it has begun. Uh-huh. Uber. Ooh. This is a Chrysler series. Ooh.

All right. Philip Abraham, you are next on Kill Tony, straight out of the bucket. Looks like a new name. We love meeting newbies here. A lot of sign-ups lately. You guys having fun out there? How do we feel, Austin?

You with us? Drink up, my friends. The night is young. One more time for Philip Abraham. Hey, y'all. I just signed a big deal. I'm really excited about it. And I feel pretty comfortable with y'all.

So I signed a deal with HBO the other day. $9.95 a month, full access to the entire catalog. All right. So I'm not good at casual relationships. I just had a one-night stand that went pretty bad. We've been married a couple years now. So when I was a kid, I asked my parents for a skateboard. And they said we couldn't afford it.

So one night late at night, I snuck out of bed and I went to the garage. And I got some wood. I got a hammer. And I went up to their bedroom. Wow, Philip Abraham, everybody, making his, what I do believe is, his Kilton each debut, correct?

Goddamn. Shut the fuck up, Philip. All right. I was not expecting someone scarier than Shane Bianchi. And somehow, here comes the comedian who looks you directly in the eyes while doing punchlines. Wow. This is incredible.

Are you Shane's dad from Nashville? No, I'm kidding. So Philip, let's talk about it. This has to be what? Your first time doing stand-up, right? Three weeks. Three weeks, okay. First of all, you have to literally lose

the oldest joke of all time, the HBO joke, which I have heard it for 16, 17 years continuously. I can't imagine how long the two legends, I'm sorry to give your age away again, Jim. 25 years. Probably about 25 years ago. Right. I mean, like continuously.

Yeah. So 45, and he's heard it. So, I mean, I'm pretty sure that predates even HBO and somehow you are doing the HBO joke. What's the Columbia Broadcasting Network? Can I update it? What? Columbia Broadcasting Network?

1950s. Okay. Philip. Jesus Christ. All right. So you've been doing stand-up for three weeks. Yes, sir. You're doing some old ass fucking bullshit like jokes

that you read out of a joke book right now because you're scared. So let's talk about what you actually could be talking about. Do you have any jokes where you actually talk about something that your perspective on like, what ethnicity are you? Let's start there because you look... He looks like the bad guy from Indiana Jones. Like, how many...

How many... How many... Very good. Okay, okay. It's crazy, Tony. It's crazy. Funky. I thought Shane had a gun.

I think this nigga got a bomb. We got to get the fuck out of here, people. I hope the wands are working tonight. I hope the fucking bomb wands are working tonight. The cord just fell off, so... Okay. I think that's a sign. All right, Phillip.

Very good. Yep. Getting scarier. What do you do for work, Phillip? I work at the cemetery. I do like, bobbing. Jesus fucking Christ. What is going on here tonight?

Is this a special Halloween episode of Kill Tony? Is someone pranking me right now? Well, I work at the cemetery, Tony. For the state. For nothing. Okay. What do you do for the state? Like, that changes anything.

For the state. It's a totally different type of cemetery. Everybody's alive. So stupid. Get the hot. Stand up. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen,

Gro Rogan is here. Wow. Austin Zone. Jim, what do you think about this? Well, Peter's. It is. It is. That's original.

But what nationality are you, though? South Indian. South Indian wavy gravy. John Dee's hitting us with a little bit of South Indian music there with the left hand. Pretty easy to do if you know the fucking tones. You know what I'm saying? Do you listen to South Indian music still?

Maybe a little bit. Oh, shit. This sounds like the kind of guy that likes a little remix. You know what I mean? Yeah. Okay. Tell us about the fun part of your life. How old are you?

You seem like you could be anywhere between 140 and 300 years old. You seem like you have like a special. 40. Like a curse or something. I don't know. 40, 40. 40 years old. What have you done with your life?

You have a family or anything? No. What's the story? The last 40 years. I tell them. 40 years. Just failing a lot. What do you mean?

Like what? Let's talk about it. You've said nothing since you got up here. You did old timey jokes. And in the interview you said cemetery. I didn't get anything more. I'm trying to find out about you. This is where you would start finding out if you can fucking write material in art form.

I've done a lot of stuff. Like what? Writing obituaries. What else? Other than writing obituaries. Give us one more thing. From your entire 40 years on planet earth. You could say anything right now.

Ice cream shop. I worked in ice cream shop. Mix the ice cream. What the fuck kind of ice cream shop is this? Would they order the Iraqi road? I'm on steroids. What were you doing at this ice cream shop exactly? I'm trying to figure this out.

Were you just in charge of melting the ice cream at the end of the night? I used to dip my bald head in the ice cream. Oh wow. Do you have a funny bone in your entire body? No. Not right now. Have you ever made anyone laugh? I have.

I swear. Can you give us an example of that? Can you tell us about that time? Can you sort of lay the scene and then we'll be like, Oh that was funny. Or we'll be like, Fuck you did it again. The thing that he does.

That one guy did that one thing the whole time. Tony was really trying. I want to say one thing. I'm going to be supportive. Because we've been shitting on you. Can I get some water? Can anybody have a drink? I'm trying to be supportive and this motherfucker asking for shit.

You know what? I don't even want to do it no more. I want you to laugh at your pain. You say a lot of funny stuff, like saying the things around it that can make it funny. Like you working at an ice cream shop, you can say a whole bunch of things that a lot of us don't know about. That's funny besides you putting your nuts in ice cream.

Like don't make shit up. Like say what actually happened because it could be funny. You writing obituaries? I ain't nothing about fucking everyone on obituary. That is hilarious. I got bribed once by a funeral parlor owner to write an obituary. Yeah, tell us a true story. There's nothing, yeah.

You know what? I want you to work on believing in yourself because you got a lot of things that you've done and you don't believe that it's funny, but it is. So work on it and you're going to be great, man. You just got to believe in it. That's true. I don't think you have what it takes at all to do that at all.

I'm still over here cooking up jokes about ice cream and shit like that. This is Kill Tony. There's no reason I should be up here. I'm getting kind of like a, kind of reminds us of our friend Ty Rivera. Are you a little bit, are you, what's your sex like? You gay? I'm not fucking. You're not fucking anything, but you're not saying you're not gay.

You're just afraid your South Indian parents might watch this podcast and you're gay. They're not watching. Right, are you gay? No, no. I mean, I'll take what I can get. Like dead people? Everybody, that's gay.

Welcome to another episode of That's Gay. No, no, I'm not. I mean, I would fuck a guy, but I'm not. Ladies and gentlemen, there was the Kill Tony debut of Phillip. Phillip, can you catch? Phillip, thank you, you catch. Yeah, Phillip Abraham, everybody. All right.

What do we got? Ladies and gentlemen, another one of your regulars, an absolute legend. Famous for his joke writing and fucking roasting skills. He does it every single week. One of the baddest motherfuckers on planet Earth. It is David Lucas, everybody. Thanks so much for David, everybody. Yeah.

I got the new iPhone. It's not as racist as the old iPhone. I tried to type the word nigger and the phone refused to spell the word nigger. It was like, perhaps you mean Nigeria. Or maybe you mean Nicaragua. I was like, no, I mean nigger. The phone was like, definition, please. I was like, friend, partner, my nigger.

I don't trust flawless women. Like if I see her with a flat stomach and a fat booty and nice titties, like I don't trust her because if she's flawless, I know that the flaw is in that bitch's head. Give me a bitch without a arm. Exactly a minute. Every single week, four years, selling out everywhere, killing all over the place.

My man. Tony, what are you doing here? You should be laying eggs to feed the world. Oh, wait, are you making fun of... We got an egg shortage. Nigger, we need a hen to fucking drop some eggs. I ain't no eggs at Whole Foods, H-E-B, nowhere. We need to get our body up, right?

Are you calling me a chicken head right now? Calling you a hen. I love it. So you got a new iPhone. That's cool. How many bites? How many bites did it take you to eat it? Those are megabytes.

I love you wearing one of Jay Leno's car covers here tonight. Tony got that white on. Nigger dressed like the Easter Bunny. What the fuck, bro? White and red. What are you sitting next? The Marshall Lynch Daughter, Niggie? Nassi, hold up.

Nah, I wasn't trying to fuck with you tonight, man. Nassi, now you're going to make me go crazy. When you eat pussy, they call you beast mode. All right. You got a lot to say for them rolls to be stacking up on you like a sack of laundry, Nigger. You better get the fuck. All right.

Now don't make me come at your ass. Come on. You and me and Tony. Let's go, motherfucker. What's up? Watch out. What's up? You look like you go to the women's bathroom,

but you still pee standing up. I show the fuck, dude. That ain't even a joke, Nigger. That's my real life. What's up? I stand up taller than most of you, motherfucker, than the bathroom. All right?

You ain't cutting shit in this bitch for pieces of pie, motherfucker. Get the fuck out of here. What's up? It is weird. She stands up to pee. I sit down to pee. Don't ask questions.

All right? SNL for Pakistan for Saturday Night Lesbians. Oh, that's where they roam. That's where they roam. That's where they roam, man. It should be S&D. Saturday Night Dykes. Because that's what's going on around here.

Hell. Big dogs. Yes. Absolutely. I can relate because I, too, am a lesbian. I feel the same way. Hey, Tony, he looked like he, uh, do that thumb trick in front of kids.

You know what I'm talking about? Hey. Yeah. You making fun of him? He'll do that thumb trick. Hey, y'all want to see something cool? David. You're going on, David.

Smashing all over the place. That's what I'm trying to be good. Thank you, David. Thank you, David. Uh, every time I watch, you, which is never. I try to be good. Yeah. And I try to be good.

Yeah. I try to be good. Like that. I don't really have that. Like I get that. I watch you, which is never. Um, I just, I get more each time. And tonight you reminded me of a Malcolm X

who didn't give a fuck anymore. And you dress like you collect paintings. Nigga, shut your ass. You know, if I got a room or nothing, but pottery and weird ass paintings. You just sitting there smoking cigars and admiring them. It's like 1.5 million in this room. Look at this thing.

You crazy as a bum. I know you drop an old Volkswagen Ibiza with that hat. That hat looked like it came with a car trick. Nigga, like, never played three cars money. Pick out the queen. I'll give you $20. Pick out. All right, guys.

So did Jim. Jim. Go to Jim. And then you're like, he do midnight stock at Target. Yeah, well, fuck a dress like one of, uh, he dressed like he used to hang out with Tony Hawk. Nigga, your ass. I'm the one that showed that nigga the 360 kick flip.

Let's hear what you got to say, nigga, like Mrs. Doubtfire, bitch. Oh, fuck it. Robin Williams head ass, nigga. You look like the daddy from Beethoven. Nigga, your ass. You better name him something because when he turns my house up, I got to call him something.

David, David, I loved you on the TV show, my 600-pound life. Actually, you should audition for that, but you probably have to lose a couple pounds. You look like a nigga that had to get his car stolen and grant that photo. CJ had kicked you out of your whole car. You be like, what the hell?

Hey, David, forget about stand-up. Do a fucking sit-up. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, don't cheer for that boy, shit. Fuck off.

I mean, what a fucking wrecking ball. What a fucking star. Every goddamn time. I mean, to watch this type of performance become more and more natural. Nobody's doing anything like it. You're killing it. Ladies and gentlemen, David motherfucking Lucas, everybody.

Wow. Wow. Jesus fucking Christ. Come on, make some noise one more time for David Lucas. It's not easy to do. All right. Goddamn. That's a tough act to follow.

Got it. Klayne Willard, or perhaps Cavayne Quayne. It might be Klayne. It starts with a K. Willard. K. D. A. K. Jane Willard. I was talking to two women the other day. I don't know if that's believable,

but they were talking about the same man that they had both slept with. And one of them was like, yeah, he's got that Versace dick. I was like, is that what women do? They just take a man's penis and assign it to a fashion brand? I don't know. It made me think about myself. I was like, I'm going to have that Oshkosh Pigosh dick.

Maybe a bugle boy on a good day. I was, I don't know. I noticed that women sometimes when they have sex, after they moan, they'll say the word fuck. They'll be like, ah, fuck. And then I noticed sometimes when women play tennis after they hit the ball, they're like, ah. I wish they did that in tennis.

I wish they were like, ah, tennis. Fuck it. I'm about to start doing that in my life, you know? Ah, comedy. Heck yeah. Is it Kay Dane? Kay Dane, yeah. My name's Kevin, but I don't like Kevin, so I took it out.

Why don't you like Kevin? I don't know, I just don't like how it sounds, you know? Do you hate your mother? It was actually my dad that picked it. I hate him, yeah, I know. You do hate your dad? No, he's a good guy. He's actually a deaf stand-up comedian himself.

He's a pretty interesting guy. Wow. I couldn't hear the jokes you did tonight. Win in Rome, you know what I mean? You gotta make that joke. That's incredible. But you're close with him? How long have you been doing this?

Four years, he started like a year before me, so I got to watch him do it for a little while. And you're like, shit, if he could do it, I could do it. That's right. Right. Incredible. So you guys go out sometimes and do it together? Yeah, yeah, we would do it together.

We did shows together in Rochester, New York. Is that where you live? I'm from there, but I moved here a couple months ago. Wow, congratulations. Thanks. You've been in Austin for two months. What do you love about Austin? Did your deaf father follow you here?

No, no, he's gonna visit soon though, but he's not here. Austin's great. I don't know, I just like the fact that I can actually do comedy more than twice a week, like in Rochester. Yeah, upstate New York is hell. Like I've said it many times on this show, it is truly one of the most depressing places.

Well, Jim comes there, you skip it. Yeah, yeah. No, I literally said an oath years ago that I would never go back to upstate New York. I do. I sometimes will swing by Buffalo. Buffalo is the exception also, the former home of John Dees. Let me ask you this.

Is your dad like really deaf? Or is he just kind of deaf? He's completely deaf. Like if there's a siren, then you can hear it, but he can't really know what it is. You know what I mean? Like how does he do stand up if he doesn't have the timing of the audience

or the room at all? Like it sounds like a fucking train wreck. Well, he lost his hearing when he was 13. So he can speak mercury poisoning. Oh my God. Yeah, people drank thermometers back in there. Yeah, his brother went away to college and just left some mercury in the room

that my dad moved into. And my dad was like, what the fuck is this? And started touching it and it... Are you serious? Yeah. So your uncle has had to deal with the guilt of making his brother deaf? I never spoke to him about him.

I guess. You've never spoken to your uncle about how he made your father deaf? That never came up in conversation. You never made a joke in this family of comedians. No one ever said, hey, hopefully they didn't put mercury in the turkey this year. I mean, somebody's got to fucking acknowledge

the awkwardness of the situation, right? There's no fucking... Oh, mercury's always in retrograde with us. You know what I mean? Like, there's got to be some acknowledgement in the fact that fucking old whoop whoop, you know what I mean? I was waiting for somebody else to bring it up, honestly. Right.

Is your dad ever like, oh, whatever, you know what I mean? I'm sorry, Dee. Dee, are you... Is it okay to make fun of deaf people in front of you? I don't know what the code is. You get along with deaf people or is that like a thing? Like, do they annoy you? I'd imagine sometimes you guys are in like the same line

or the same parking spot or some shit. You got hired by a deaf guy? That's my question, yes. Oh, fuck yeah. They roll in bass and guitar. God, he's so talented. You're nothing like this guy's father. It's incredible.

So what do you do for actual work? How do you make a living? Well, I've been trying to find a job out here. It's tough. I'm a felon. I'm a felony. Wait, you're a felon? Yeah.

Oh, wait, what? Breaking into women's underwear stores is a... How are you a felon? I'm a retired drug dealer. What? Yeah. What kind of drugs are you dealing? It was Molly.

Candy cigarettes? What's going on? I'm trying to buy drugs from him. Woody from Toy Story. There's a gram in my boot. This shit will get you buzz light here, you know what I mean? Wow. You were the Molly guy?

Can you give us an example of like how you would sell drugs? Can you give us... Say you're at a concert right now and you see a bunch of people like, what would you sell? No, it's one of those things where you just, you know, you have it and then it just sells itself, I guess. Wow, you're a really good salesman. This Molly sells itself.

Like, all right, I guess I'll have four pieces, let's go. So how'd you get caught? What was that like? The guy that was getting it was getting it from China and he was like, dude, this email is like encrypted, bro. But then, you know, Homeland Security was watching the emails. Wait, you were sending Molly to China? No, no, no, he was getting it from China.

Darkweb? This is your dealer? Your dealer was getting it from China. That's right. Right. And he was like, the email's encrypted, you don't have to worry about it. Wow. But the whole time, it was not encrypted.

That's incredible. Wow. Wow. They saw every email. My goodness. Wow. So yeah. Wow.

So when they, did they just show up to your door or something like that? Because you look like a cop. You have like undercover cop energy. So if that, if that happened to me and I was you, when they're like, you're under arrest, I'd be like, no, you're under arrest. I've been doing a sting operation on you guys. It seems like that would be believable. You seem like a very, very straight and narrow.

I know. I didn't think of it at the time because I was kind of scared. Yeah. No, it wouldn't have worked at all. So you can get like a, like they'd look at that record and you can't tell them like, it was just Molly. Oh yeah. He's an international drug dealer.

Yeah. There is no, there is no remorse for Molly, right? It's basically heroin or anything else. Might as well be, yeah. You could be a Lyft driver. I'll try that. Yeah. That's a good idea.

There you go. Screw you. Zipper cruder. Red band is out here making dreams come true. The only problem is I also, before I moved here, right before I moved here, I got a DWI. Ah, the old Rochester special. Ah, nothing better living in a place where there's nothing to fucking do. Just get blacked out and fucking, how'd you get a DUI?

Did they catch you? It was one of those days, you know, one of those days where you start drinking at noon. Then one of those days where you start drinking. You son of some of us have fucking careers though, run and operate. Well, yeah. Okay. So what happened? You start drinking at noon.

And then yeah. Some young Dane broke your heart. No, I was, I was drinking. I don't know why I said that. Dane? Dane? I meant Dane. I drank all day and then I went to drive home at 1130.

And I wasn't following like the rules of the road, you know? Oh, very good. That's one way of putting it. Sure. Was there one rule specifically that you fucked up on? Well, it was funny because I didn't even get caught by the police. Like I was driving so recklessly. A guy like, was like, I'm just going to follow this guy and call the cops on him.

Oh shit. You got citizens arrested, bro. You know you're drunk when some guy's leaning out of his window like, whoo, whoo. You're fucked, bro. I'm going to follow your ass all the way home. Yeah. I was literally one minute from my house and he was riding my bumper and I got out of the car.

I was like, what the fuck dude? And then he didn't say anything for like 10 seconds. Then he turned around and he was like, I'll just let them deal with it. And the cops pulled around the corner and I was like, oh my. There you go. All right. K. Dane Willard. Well, congratulations on getting on the show.

Anything else for K. Dane? Do you guys have anything? Here you go. You want one of these K. Dane? Yes sir. This is a joke book. There you go. Thank you.

There he goes. K. Dane Willard walking over the joke book from the great Bones Eye. Check him out on Instagram, B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. No Jared Nathan tonight, correct? He's not here right? Is that right? No Jared? There is no Jared.

Right. But ladies and gentlemen, we have another Golden Ticket winner who's never even performed here in Austin. He hasn't turned in on his Golden Ticket in forever. We met this young man in Seattle, Washington, I believe it was five or six years ago. Literally one of the very few Golden Ticket winners ever in the history of the show here for his Austin Kill Tony debut. Make some noise for Todd Royce everybody.

He's a funny guy. Here in for a special treat. One more time for Todd Royce everyone. Come on. What's up Boston? I'm wearing a brand new shirt that I just ordered recently online. The guy actually called me and said, hey Todd, you ordered a 5XL. I wanted to make sure that wasn't a typo.

I said typo. No, it's probably type two. A friend of mine told me the other day that these glasses make me look like Jeffrey Dahmer. Never stopped eating people. Look, I don't always take responsibility for things in my life, but I blame my weight on my mom because when I was a kid, she let me eat whatever I wanted. She wasn't like one of these parents that let their kids get gender reassignment surgery, but she did let me grow my own tits.

The ladies love a peck pop. I do it for them. And I'm sorry ladies, I am married. I've been married for 15 years. My wife has seen me naked a lot. Like my wife has seen my dick more times than I have. Thank you. Boom.

Another new minute from Todd Royce everybody. Very fucking cool. One of the few golden ticket winners ever, which is when you have such a great performance on a road show that you can check in and be on any episode of Kill Tony from then on. And it has been at least, what, three years since we've seen you? Three years. It was like two weeks before the shutdown. Right.

Up in Vancouver. Yep. You've lost a lot of weight. It's good to see that. I'm down three and a half pounds in three years. It is incredible. I've never seen pecks get flexed like that. Imagine the strength of my pecks.

I mean, come on. Yeah. I mean, if you could do that with those, I can't imagine what's hidden underneath there. Right? There is a well-shaped person underneath all this fat. I love it. I love the way you're looking at me. You love it.

He's talking to a beautiful, beautiful young woman in the front here. Look how many, I mean, there are. There's beautiful women, good-looking guys, a gay guy, I think. I don't, I don't know. I want just my assumption. It is true. I love it. Todd, you look like a balloon that we would fly over China.

Just an American fucking research balloon. That's what it should look like, right? Let's get a Bucky's t-shirt on this guy and float him over there. Let's fucking go. You look like an American weather balloon. That should be my new wrestling name. Or a new album or a special or whatever. So what's been going on with your stand-up?

We know that you're from the Seattle area. We saw you in Seattle. We saw you in Vancouver. Legend of the show. What's going on now? I moved to Las Vegas and then I got fired. And now I just do comedy now. I'm actually doing a tour.

It's down here. I'm doing a show here in Austin tomorrow night. What was the job that you had in Vegas that you got fired from? I was working for a granite company. I was doing credit. Okay. Right. It sucks when I got fired from that job.

Got my 401k and a severance check. 401k? Is that what you're talking about? The scale? That's my new goal weight. Your doctor's like 401, not K. Not K. Okay.

I like your style though. So how you make up money now? Just off stand-up? Just off stand-up. Can I tell, can I plug a little bit? Sure. Because I got shows coming up in Burbank and San Diego, DC, Philadelphia, Tampa. Burbank.

Are you going to be a Bob's big boy? I'll definitely be there. Jim Florentine, what do you think about this big thing? I like a Manny's funny. You headline on the road? Yeah. That's what you're doing? In the scene of Vegas, there's a lot of clubs there you could perform at.

There's a lot. Yeah, up and down the strip. I'm kind of working my way in there right now. That's great. Thank you. No shortage of buffets there on this strip. No, yeah. Well, you know what, there actually is now.

They've shut down a lot of buffets. They were like, John Panette has come back. And that's a no. Okay. Never mind. That's no. John Panette? No.

Is that by nature? No, John Panette references. The only two people here that know them are Eddie and Jim Florentine. I used to open for them. I know. You think? Yeah. We ate up buffets all the time.

That's so funny. I had to overeat with them every time too. I'm like, fucking, I weigh 160. John Panette, an old school comedian who obviously was a very, very, very plump boy. And all of his jokes were about how big he was. And in the roast writer's room a long time ago, somebody made the joke. And I can't remember whatever, whoever it was. But do you hear about John Panette?

Yeah. He went on a diet. He lost 40 minutes of material. I always remember that. Every time I hear John Panette, I think about that joke because it cracks me up. Because if you're fat and you just talk about being fat and then you lose the weight, you're fucked. Yeah. What do you have?

I have other material that I'm working on about how small my dick is. Is it smaller? Is it just small on your body? I think, well, when I push it in, it does seem to get bigger. So I don't know what it's going to be. Punky, are you okay? She thought you were a lesbian this whole time. She's like, oh, I'm going to fuck this big bitch.

And you know I like a big bitch. I like a big bitch. Honestly, I just want to tell the skinny guys, you have no excuse to have piss all around the toilet. The only person that has an excuse to do that is a motherfucker that looks like this. You have no excuse. Hold it. Wait, he can't touch it. Okay, you know what?

I'm going to shut up. I'm going to shut up. Take that, you skinny motherfuckers. Yeah, that's right. Get your shit together. You are funny, but I do wonder how you, I do wonder how you pee. Okay, I'm going to shut up. Punky just gave away the fact that she actually does stand up while peeing.

What we thought was a joke actually is true. She's mad at the people that pee on the men's side of the toilet seat. Well, because they take aims. So I really, I kind of want you to show me. I'll show you later. You guys should do a trade-off. You guys should watch each other pee. It'll be good for you.

Todd, fucking fantastic. Anything else about Todd guys? We fucking love you. You're a stone cold killer. Where you from? I'm originally from the Seattle to Koma area. Okay, fantastic. They got a great person representing them.

Hell yeah. Thank you. Oh, thanks. And your family's good. Wife's good. My wife's good. What's your wife up to nowadays, right? While you're on the road like this, what does your wife do?

I'd imagine fucking a whole lot of picking up crumbs in the kitchen or something like that. She's finally putting the TV trays away. She's finally got a chance to clean out the microwave film. She's changed into light and the refrigerator went out. She's fucking doing her fucking rounds of Costco right now, perhaps. What's the wife up to? What does she do again? What does she do for work?

Yeah, sure. I'm just trying to think a more joke. But yeah, what does she do for work? She's a dietitian. Yeah, make some noise for Todd Royce, everybody. There he goes. What an appearance. That is a true Golden Ticket winner.

For those of you that are historians of the show, that's a pretty big deal. I'm honestly quite shocked that Todd Royce made it through the global pandemic that supposedly we were supposed to be so worried about. But meanwhile, we have guys that we have 700-pound guys that we haven't seen in three years. Like, yeah, I moved to Vegas. What's up? Fucking shit. They tried to shut down the country for that shit.

This guy's out here shaking his tits. They tried to shut down the country because the company's flexing his fucking 200-pound tits. Make some noise for your next comedian, Dave Dowling, everybody. Dave Dowling. Hell yeah. How many of you guys like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Whoa, very interesting.

Dave Dowling, everybody. One more time for Dave, everyone. One more time for Dave Dowling, everybody. Come on, these people wait all night for this, for the chance to maybe get a minute. Here's Dave Dowling. So it's 2023. It's been a wild year before. Sports, sporting events have been really odd and wild.

I'm waiting for like a tall redneck Asian with a full beard to become like the number one NASCAR driver. I became a father this year. Yeah, that's a story in itself. But it made me wonder too, like, how hard was it to fucking potty train Helen Keller? Like, that had to be a weird one. Anyways. I was born without a sense of smell and I always have people ask me like to smell this or whatever. Even my own mother.

It's kind of like fucking asking him, you know, like your mom asking you if you see that sunrise. I'm done. Alright, Dave Dowling. I think that was done before it started. You really don't have a sense of smell? No, I do not. Well, you stink. I believe.

I love it. You're coming off like fresh off of your fucking third divorce energies over here right now. Just been drinking all day. You're fucking like mad about shit. I don't know what's going on. You walk D Madness. He doesn't even have to go pee right now. He's just fucking...

So Dave, I don't even know where to begin with you. It's so interesting. This is one of your first times doing stand-up, correct? The first time. The first time ever. Okay. Thank God for that. If you were going to say you were a ten-year vet, I'd be fucking really depressed.

So Dave, what made you want to start today? You're what, about 49? No, 38. You're 38? You're 38? Are you fucking with me? No. Are you fucking with me right now?

Are you fucking fucking with me, dude? Are you messing with me? The guy who gave you this opportunity, you're just fucking going to lie to me, dude. Are you fucking serious, bro? I am. You've just been getting your heart broken continuously while working on rooftops. Like, what, how is 38 an option here? Like, just Mountain Dew...

Like, never a glass of water, just straight Mountain Dew. And fucking what? Bread? Like, white bread? White bread and Mountain Dew? Just nothing else? Like, someone told you that was cool? And never stop working, no matter how much the job pays?

Like, what, there's no way you're 38. You're 38, you're fucking with me, dude. 1984. Oh my god, we are the same age. I am actually 38. See, me and you, my dear friend, have reverse problems. You know what I mean? Oh my god.

You look like you got abused and abused. You look like a second-generation abuser. An abuser of women, children, animals, perhaps, am I correct? I get animal abuse, I'm getting a lot of things. No, no, no, no. Okay, no, no. Okay, Dave, let's talk about it. What have you been doing for 38 years?

Why do you think you look like a 55-year-old worn-down man? A lot of drugs in the past. Ah, hell yeah. You're one of the original jackass guys, right? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What kind of drugs are we talking about? Death, heroin, all the good ones.

If you tell me Molly right now, I'm going to kill myself. If you tell me you got Molly from China. No, no, no. Can you imagine that guy buying drugs from the creepazoid earlier? Like, what's going on? I figured he'd be a good drug dealer, because who the hell would have thought he was dealing drugs? Right, I know.

I thought it was drugs. I still think you're dealing drugs right now. So what do you do, Dave? 38 years of what? Other than drugs. For like a living? Sure. I paint sets for movies, and I also buy and sell drums, not drugs.

You buy and sell drums. You make a living doing that? It's part time, but yes. Okay. Most of the money comes from the movies. Okay. During COVID, I sold about $60,000 worth of drums. Okay, okay, very good.

Okay, $60,000 worth of drums. That's pretty good. That's a lot of drums. So what else? What do you do for fun? Like, what's your deal? Play music. You play music?

I do. What kind of music do you play? I'm open to all kinds of music, but... Like what? What do you mean, all kinds of music? I started playing a lot of metal music, but a lot of rock, genre, and stuff. What's your main instrument?

There must be one above all. Drums. Really? No, these old Skull Alpha fans. Oh, no. Is that what you want? Is that really what you want? All right.

I mean, if that's what you guys want to do... It's been a long time since we've done this, but as some of you know, there is a legendary segment on this show called a Mexican drum op where... Where we have a competition in which one human gets to drum solo and they have to try to beat the resident drummer. It's literally never happened before.

We've done this, I think, 50-some or 60-some times. It's never happened before, but right now, if this happens, Dave Dowling could potentially be the new drummer of Kill Tony. You get to decide, but you have to be honest when you guys vote at the end. But, ladies and gentlemen, here on this night, completely unplanned,

there shall be a Mexican drum op! Well, well, well. Something started a long time ago on this show. This man has a chance to work professionally as a drummer on the number one live podcast in the world. All he has to do is have a better drum solo than our resident drummer, professional musician, Michael Gonzalez.

And now, Dave, are you ready? Here with his drum solo after his first time ever doing stand-up comedy. This is Dave Dowling! Ladies and gentlemen, that was Dave Dowling. Quite the showing, quite the showing. Michael Gonzalez hamming it up down here! Undefeated all-time in Mexican drum ops.

A professional drummer. Undefeated, ladies and gentlemen, here on this night, here on this night, here on this summer, undefeated, ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne, to defend what he loves,

his position every Monday. Our friend, Kill Tony's Own, this is Michael Gonzalez! Om-om-om-om-om Om-om-om-om Om-om-om-om Om-om-om-om-om Om-om-om-om-om

Om-om-om-om-om Om-om-om-om-om This is Kill Tony Well, well, well Now you guys have decisions to make believe it or not Because historically on the show you get to decide It wouldn't quite be fair if I got to pick it But here you are, you get to hear it live

How many of you have Dave Dowling winning the Mexican drum off here tonight? How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? And still the Kill Tony drummer The great Michael Gonzalez Dave, you got on stage for your first time ever Here's a little joke book for you Take one of those, that's from the great Bones Eye That's real Texas leather

Honestly, I thought it was close man, for real I thought I was like, oh shit, this guy's really good Red Band doesn't have an ear for music No, no, no, no, no, no, no Before Mike went on stage Okay, okay, okay, thank you, thank you Red Band There you go Red Band trying to get his fucking late Democratic voting

Didn't show up to the polls, but here he is I think we should maybe do a recall here Creepy ass fucking Blugerville liberal Shut the fuck up There he goes, Dave Dowling Hey, I want to do my absentee vote now He did good though, he did good Not nearly as good as Michael

May I say so Yes, let's check in with the great punky Johnson For just a second here I do want to say so What is his name again? Dave Dowling Man Dave, yo, first of all We shouldn't have played with you

You had percussion on your fucking shirt That motherfucker got percussion written on his shirt So that'd mean you were the heart of everything Cause you got your shit Stop doing comedy though, just play the drums Mike, you played that shit Like the risk was somebody fucking your wife dude You was like, ain't nobody fucking my bitch, you know

Boy, you played that shit, boy I looked at, I looked at, I saw a third arm Popping out of his body And I'm like, what the fuck is that? Hitting the fucking cymbals up there I'm shooting a blue tube I'm sitting up here thinking about Switching lanes fucking round with Mike

Oh, damn You're gonna have, you're gonna have the drum Michael's gonna have the drumsticks, the thighs And the wings tonight Alright What the fuck do we do from here? You guys wanna go back to this bucket, huh? Oh yes, my friends

And still the chaos continues Your next comedian straight out of the bucket Goes by the name of Clint Parker, everyone Ooh, sounded like there was a little pop From the comedy section there That's always an interesting sign Clint Parker is next On Hill Tony

Here he comes One more time for Clint Parker everybody Here he is Hey Is the never ending story Still going? Now, speaking of the 80s Saturday nights

I spent most of my time Wacking off to Ron Esher on USA Up all night But it took me a lot longer to get off When it was Gilbert Gottford on Friday I taught my wife martial arts Well, I'm working on it Not so she can defend herself

It's so that if we get accosted On a way to a gig She can fight them off while I protect My guitar Alright, the only reason I even know about this show Is because sometimes I go through the The YouTube vortex And I found Kill Tony

I know I got minimal time But I saw this 96 question Thing about Taylor Swift And I was like My wife's in the kitchen She's over there doing dishes Like she's supposed to be doing Jesus Christ

Clint Parker everybody This is another very special Domestic abuse edition of Kill Tony It's a very, very special one My goodness Clint, welcome to the fold, my friend Is this your first time doing stand up? Second

Second Where was the first time at? Speakeasy, open mic Okay, how did that go? I was the only one that got any laughs Oh, wow, look at that Okay, so this is your second time Ever, you have the swagger of a guy

That's been doing it a hundred years You almost seem like you didn't just Bomb up here twenty seconds ago It's incredible I knew I would I knew I would I love it Is that a voodoo doll in your pocket?

What is that? Yeah, my wife bought this It was actually blessed by a voodoo doctor And I think that's the only reason That you called my name, dude Okay Oh, no, don't do that Okay, there you go

She caught it She caught it Okay Very good Unbelievable I think the voodoo doll is working But not the way you think it is So, Clint, let's talk about it

Where did you come from? Where did you go? What's going on here? What do you want first? Any of it Got here in 84 I've been in Austinite my whole life You got here in 84? When I was five

Oh, okay I was going to say Just remember That 84 is also the birth year of the 65-year-old man that was up here Unbelievable Okay, so you got here in 84 Got it

What do you do for work? You really want to know Oh, dude I'm already I work for fucking best buy, man Okay Okay What do you do for best buy?

Number two salesman in the country Last quarter Wow Alright Very interesting What are you selling? What are you slinging? Molly?

No, they fucking fired 35 people from my store The most in the country during COVID And now I have to sell fucking coffee pots Why are you screaming? And refrigerators Why are you screaming? Yeah, he's on the phone

Oh, I don't know It's like a smash mouth So they can hear me It's frustrating But I'm a musician And I play in a rock and roll band You're a musician, too With my wife

Really? Yes Oh, my God You do everything with your wife, huh? Yes Is that the lady that you threw the voodoo doll to? 100% Wow

Wow, I thought that was Some cool rock and roll shit You're just going to get your voodoo doll Back after the show You cheap bastard I'm like, oh, that's pretty That's the least he's got good showmanship Out here throwing dolls into the audience

To your own wife Very interesting What instruments do you guys play? I'm the guitar player She's the singer Okay All right And we do dual vocal harmonies

Okay Yeah This is like a Very good Thank you, thank you, thank you Thank you, thank you Very good It sounds absolutely terrible

How long have you guys been doing this? 14 years 14 years Really? D-Manus, what do you think? Do you want to hear what a fucking Bunch of Billy Goats sound like? 14 years and 14

Get your wife down here Get that fucking Come on down Her name is actually Melody, too That's what's fucking cool about it It's not, it's not that cool It's not that cool I mean, your name's Clint

How do you explain that? All right, very good My parents Actually, my first name is William I go by my middle name Shut the fuck up Let's hear you fucking Let's see if you guys are any good at music

I'm ready I got a pick Very good Oh shit Dog the bounty hunter also There you are, baby Can we get two mics? Oh my god

I don't know what shell on fucking A and E You guys are from, but It could be a few options here Intervention, probably Yeah Pond Stars meets porn Stars meets fucking Fryzilla

I love it Damn We see who wears the fucking real pants In this relationship Look at this She needs a microphone She's the lead singer Okay

All right It's a short mic Here it is This is like a Megan Jack White Power here This is incredible My musician friends love that one You fucking hacks

You Megan Jack White Power No All right Here they are Clinton is wife everybody Live on Kill Tony I don't know why I'm doing this

But Too late now To turn around Only moving forward As one soul Never again Pitching bottom All right

I'm gonna stop you there I'm gonna stop you there Only moan I'm gonna stop this right here Thank you so much What fuckin' country bumpkin' Where are you guys from? Right here in ATX, brother man

No way, you're from here? Really? Oh yeah, 84, that's right Jesus, you're literally the worst musicians I've found in the entire city It's incredible Yeah, I bet I go out every night and that's just insane That's absolutely unbelievable It's like some type of weird fuckin'

It's like watching karaoke at a Buffalo Wild Wings or something It's like some real fuckin' main shit Every night, every day, I listen to live music in this fuckin' city Sometimes it's over coffee in the afternoon Sometimes it's late at night at a fuckin' place that I don't want to mention Or else you people will show up there But the point is The point is, I listen to live music all the time

And I gotta say, it's unbelievable to find that there was Someone that didn't impress me That was grunge in Florida in 2004 Okay, we like to Red Band, when you do it, it's extra mean for some reason Let's check in with the band, what did the band think? John Dees, what did you think about... You came a long way from Buffalo to get away from people like this

So I'm interested to see what John Dees thinks John doesn't want to be me Yeah, it is, it's on It's got to be Yeah, it is It's on Tap it again He don't want to talk

He gonna say something stupid I can say what you was thinking if you want me to No, it's... Tony, I think his comedy set was better than the music set I know That's low What's the name of the band so that people can give you guys a fair shot? We are called Traces Left

Traces Left And on March 8th, we will be playing Long Center in front of a thousand people Really? Unbelievable Congratulations Here, here's a little joke book Hey, Clint Boom

Clint Parker, everybody There he goes You guys want to do something fun right now? You want to sage this room with some fucking crazy energy right now? Well then, I have a special treat for you We have a friend of the show And a friend who got into the comedy game six or seven months ago And is absolutely crushing

I love this guy He's such a fucking character Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Uncle Laser, everybody Oh shit, there he is Oh, wow It's really him It's really him Listen here now

I've been saying it for a while But nobody's been seeming to be paying attention The season of the witch is upon us, fellas If the little chubby, fat-eyed fucking gothic girl at your workplace Can give you the friendly eyes as of late Don't do it, it's a fucking trap How do I know that? Well, I'm fixing to fucking tell ya

I hooked up with one of these horoscope bitches a while back She was a cancer Not in a horoscope since she was a literal fucking cancer Because she was trying to kill me She was into butt stuff Which I'm into butt stuff But she was not gentle by any means She started off touching my butthole with her thumb

Like she was priming a lawnmower Then it turned into a hairbrush handle And then she reached under her bed and she grabbed a fucking Christmas tree ornament string of fucking steel balls And she jammed them in there packed tightly And she started starting that fucking lawnmower I gotta get my prostate checked daily now John, because there's anything wrong with me

It's the only way I know how to come Ladies and gentlemen, you have been Uncle Lazard everybody I mean, coming in Tag, tag, tag, punch, punch, punch, tag, tag, punch, punch Who gives a shit? Just doing the goddamn thing I absolutely love it It is unbelievable, you're doing it

I'm trying Yeah Yeah Ain't got no job no more, we gotta figure the fuck out He left his extremely well-paying job Out in the oil fields to fucking come take on comedy head on And it has literally been It's been a couple weeks since we've seen you

And you have been doing a bunch of crazy shit You got a bunch of internet fucking attention Yeah, yeah Just a couple shows I actually got casted in a commercial Uh-huh You got casted in a commercial Yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm here to help you, Uncle Lazard You didn't get casted Whatever it is I signed up and they pulled my name from the bucket You got damn right God damn right, I love it And it's a vagicill commercial Because everybody likes a healthy and happy vagina

Is that what you're gonna do in the commercial? That's exactly what I'm doing That's why we're the sunglasses for dramatic effect I'm taking acting classes too, they're not going well Jim Florentine, what do you think about Uncle Lazard? I just love looking at Punky's face the whole time Punky She's fucking horrified

Punky, I'm trying to lose my virginity to you later, darling I'm into chicks too Scissor me fucking timbers, you know what I'm saying? He's got the lesbian hair Out here looking like a bulldog lunch lady Come on baby, you can take me for a ride Punky does not know what to do to you right now I've never seen her this bewildered before

She's just waiting till I put it in Speechless, just wait till entanglement Put it in what? What the fuck is you talking about? I'm looking like this because I don't know what the fuck you've been talking about I'm not looking like this for nothing, no other reason You know, look, I get the cancer shit, these hoes is out here toxic I get it Yes, she knows

But yeah, you lost me with the butt stuff, man You lost? You evolved people, I lost you with the butt stuff You got a du-rag and a beanie on it, you lost it at the butt stuff? I'm a dyke, I'm a dyke Do you understand what dykes do? Okay, anyway, let's move on They do dyke shit

They don't do butt stuff? Is that the other gays? When you said you put... That's the other gays that do that I've been misinformed Punky, I'm sorry, I want to apologize Sincerely I was misinformed, my mom was hooked on drugs She got hooked on phonics, you know what I'm talking about

Okay, well, all I'ma say is I'ma just skip to the positive shit Cause that's all I got right now I love D-generation X, Shawn Michaels and all that Boom, boom, the heartbreak hit God damn right You remind me of modern day Lex Luger And...

Thank you I think it's kind of hot Thank you, baby Look at that I'ma just end it positive Hey Tony, real quick though It's good to see Uncle Lazer and Aunt Jemima out here getting a hold Oh my god

Hey, if you want to end racism, I'm about it You know what I'm saying? Um, wait a minute God damn it, see I keep doing it Draw it back, now what the fuck did you just tell me? End racism? End it by just coming together With that haircut nigga, if you hit the fuck

Okay, you know what? Okay, I'ma shut up I'm shuttin' up I would love to see what would happen if we did like a Blind pussy eating taste test with you We just put your feet up in the air With like a black curtain and like a hole And we had perhaps three

I think three would be good The two women and one Uncle Lazer I would but I wouldn't trust it Cause he would go at my prostate This nasty motherfucker There's a G spot in every butto I found out Not in this one, okay? Fair is fair

Listen, you better learn how to work the clitoris With your crazy cut shaved tear ass I'm gonna have to teach you a couple things like Luga Okay? Now, what else you want to talk about? That's, you got a how-to video Whatever you need, I mean I got to watch you guys make each other speechless

At different parts of this interview It's incredible, Jim Blorentine Tony, I really think that Lazer thinks he could turn punky If he has a chance, don't you? If you go back to the after party And you start seeing these dance moves Dullard, I swear to God I cut a fucking rug

Well, you better stop spending dollars I'll cut that clitoris up You gonna go straight to hell I don't like cock If I wanted dick, I would want dick, not cock That's fair, that's fair That's fair I don't want to be drilled a pounder to the wall

Whoa, whoa, I'm a sensual lover Very sensual That's how y'all be talking I'll pound you to the wall Whoa, relax Relax You're very sensual, is that true? Very sensual

I think I got this haircut like this Some ladies grabbed that back of that head Listen, that nose and that tongue touch A clip at the same time You ever put your tongue on that two ends of a battery? And it shocks you just like that Wow Just like that

Wow, wow You better believe it until I eat it Then you'll see it, baby girl Oh, my God This guy is cutting pussy-eating promos right now Look, can I say one thing? Speaking of cancer, I'm gonna shoot my shot here No more poke, it's not working

Okay There's a young lady in the crowd tonight That has no hair at all I'll see you, darling I'll see you out there And I wanted to say What is going on? You might be the cure for cancer

You are absolutely gorgeous It may be cancer as well, but I'll tell you what I love it I love it Laser, are you getting to a point here or something? Are you just giving the girl a shot? No, I just genuinely wanted to tell her she's beautiful Okay

She's genuinely beautiful I think that she looks incredible That's all I wanted to say I'm not trying to touch her clitoris I swear to God, I just wanted to say You think we believe you after 20 minutes Are you trying to turn punky? You think we just think you're being kind to this girl

Out of the kindness of your art? I don't even want to fuck you I just wanted to give you a compliment I don't want anything in return I mean, unless you're operating Relax If I see it, I will eat it And I will be it

Hey, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take I will tell you what It is quite the wide range of windows You've left open for you Between punky and her dreadlocks And a white girl with a shaved head Hey, baby girl, I apologize I insulted the shit out of you

You shaving off your hair That's woman pop But I ain't got nothing to do with cancer God damn right No It is Even asshole It is beautiful

Baby girl, you are beautiful Regardless of what the fuck happened to your goddamn head Okay He's crazy He ain't got nothing to do with cancer You strong-ass woman What the fuck I was genuinely giving her a compliment

I genuinely was No, she might be the cure for cancer What the fuck are you talking about? Because she's so damn pretty Nigga, go home That's not how you cure cancer Jesus Christ That's not how you cure cancer

And just because of all that I'm gonna have punky send you a video later Of her eating her pussy Oh, my God Baby girl, I got you Thanks for the hookup That's right That's goddamn right

That was good, dude That's goddamn right That bitch is gonna have cornrows in the morning Ladies and gentlemen Make some noise for the sensation himself Uncle Lazer, everybody Have we Did we have a female yet?

Did we have a single female Comedian here tonight? Should we get a female up here, huh? Alright, let's see what happens here Cole Lowy Chee Chee

Chee Lowy Chandler Let's see what happens here We're gonna get a girl up here Representative Something for punky to feast her eyes on How about Mia Chan?

This looks like a Looks like a female's handwriting Mia Chan M-I-Y-A Let's see what happens here You guys still having fun? We're getting into the depths of the show now Here she comes

She's been on this show before Here she is, everybody It's Mia Chan Oh my god Let me take this off real quick Oh, never mind Yeah? Never mind

So, um What? You're gonna follow me on Instagram So accomplished So I'm a legal immigrant I've been to 34 states No, that's not part of my job Oh my god, I got so nervous again

Alright, I'm from Taiwan So everybody here from Taiwan No, just white people Okay, um, so So I have to migrate I'm sorry Life is not a lot going on there So it's like this, okay

If you're retarded You go to make Lululemon towel And then if you are If you stay in school And then you finish all your homework You go make computer chips And that's like the best you can get So that's why I'm here

I'm trying to, you know Not just like make products for y'all Yeah, thank you Alright, Mia Chan Thank you Wow Taking off that jacket Was one of the most Asian things

I've ever seen before You just had to show us your straight A's, huh? Yeah Oh, yeah Oh, yeah You can't teach that Yeah Positive racism, everybody

Straight A's, it's about being smart Not about having small tits Just kidding, you have small tits You could have kept the jacket on You're the one that wanted to go Fucking bra-less with the fucking Yeah Anyway

I don't like wearing bra What? I don't like wearing a bra Okay Right, absolutely Right? Absolutely Those little sake cups hang

You know what I'm saying? Those little fucking It's okay, they're small Those little sake Cheers, little tiny Little tiny cups Don't worry, you're not going to get in trouble for this Do you have dark areolas?

Red Band, what the fuck Kind of question is that It is 2023 Why would you say that? You're putting everybody at risk Do you have dark areolas? I'm kidding, I'm kidding Don't answer that

Don't answer that Okay Okay Welcome to the show, Mia How long have you been doing stand-up? Six months Six months And what do you do for work?

You've been on this show before Remind us So I go to school still But I ran out of money to pay Like, yeah What? To pay, like Yeah

You're running out of money to pay for school Thank you, Matt I'm feeling my senior Asian translator Okay I'm still a student But like, like, you know What are you studying? English

I can see I see you have a lot of work to do Incredible What do you plan on doing With a degree in English In an English speaking society? Yeah Ah, Red Band

Yeah, Yellow Rose Red Band has an idea That's the cornhub sound effect For those of you that don't know So I teach English online When I ran out of money You teach English to who? Taiwanese

Taiwanese people Yeah, so, yeah This is like part of my resume Okay Okay Last time she was on She was about to go to court Remember?

Yeah How'd that go? That's right, remind us What were you going to court for again? Evading arrest Right Because you ran from the police Is that right?

Yeah And then they caught you So you just went to court How did that go? What ended up happening? So I don't have a lawyer So they Gave you a public defender

Yeah Right I lost his number though Oh Wow That's That's very Very unlucky of you

What's your plan now That you have no representation? No, I'll find it hopefully I hope he'll text me or something Yeah I didn't do nothing I'm not worried about All the best lawyers

Are known for texting their clients Before Texas cop is a little crazy Texas what? Texas cop But it's okay The Texas cop is crazy Did he show up to your court?

Yeah, they're all there They were all there I don't know how it works Because I'm a good human being And I don't break laws And evade arrest Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm a good person

Oh, yeah Tony, I'm curious on why She ran from the cops No, it's just like No, I'm talking about this After the court Okay You don't want to talk about it

That's fine I don't know Like, I came here You know, I came here As an exchange student And it's like I Yeah, I stay

Why is people talking? I don't know You shouldn't let it affect you though Because you're supposed to be a professional Yeah, I'm sorry Right Yeah, I was here I was an exchange student

And then they placed me in Indiana It's like the border of Indiana Close to Ohio and to Kentucky It's just like this Armaged people, you know Fat people Just complete Not your cup of tea

Not your cup of No, it's fine Not your cup of glass I like it, that's why I stay Yeah Okay, great tea Very good

But it's like I'm still figuring out It was like Indiana And then I go to school in L.A. So it's like, you know The whites and then the liberals Like Oh, shit

I'm still learning Yeah But I love everybody I swear to God, this is Hong's in a wig That's what he says To whites and liberals And the same fucking thing You guys have anything for

What do you think about Mia Chan I think you should stop Putting your business in the streets Because that's deep, bitch You was running from the po po And You out here saying stuff

They're gonna get you Girl, they're gonna get you No, I'm okay But it's just like part It's just the Just on stage No, girl, you need No, bitch, listen

The fans be watching You need to come up here And talk about other stuff My parents never, you know You know what, first of all Whatever you just did for that minute I forgot what it was But I thought it was funny

Oh, thank you I thought 30 seconds of it Was taking off that jacket I thought it was like some type of clown act But I do think that you have potential To really be in this game Thank you If you're gonna

Because it was funny, right? So if you're gonna talk about You evading the police That should have been your minute, bitch Because we wanna know And you kind of like No, no, no, your minute over Don't do it

Oh, sorry I'm just telling you That I think you funny And if you really like In a court Stop talking about it The fans be watching And you have potential

So start pulling from other shit And talking about that shit I've been in therapy I'm trying to be positive So I'm telling you You got potential And you do your thing But stop talking about your legal issues, bitch

On national broadcast All right, yes All right International But I would say International podcast Yeah, I make it international I would say keep running

You know, keep running That's how I feel I'm like, just do anything Yeah They just see my telly page And they're mad That's your thing So keep doing that, yeah

Keep confronting authority And then coming back to us Bitch, do not listen To this white man Do you understand me You are colored, girl Okay, stop it Listen to me

She looks offended You said colored And she flinched Does that offend you Being called colored? World colored Welcome to another episode Of Blacks and Asians

Don't get along at all By the way Don't know if y'all Know that here in Texas But we learn quick in LA They do not like each other You see these people in New York They're pushing each other

On railroad tracks and shit That's why Blazians are Unicorn Thank you Red Bands Infinite Wisdom I got into pilot black girls before But

You have gotten into a pilot Black girls before I don't know why Wow Punky would fuck you up Dude, I don't know I put your jacket on And go home

They call her They call her Dyke Tyson You almost stepped on that joke Me and she But my only friend in Indiana Was a black girl too Because

You know Colored People This is one of the worst English-speaking English students I've ever heard in my entire life She ran out of money, Tony That's why

She can't go back to school What are you on right now? Huh? What are you on right now? Marijuana And what else? That's it No, baby girl

That's not just marijuana Yeah We don't do You know I'm just doing marijuana But there's not a lot Not a lot of drugs Problems in Taiwan

So that's why I'mma shut up I'mma put the microphone down You're good You're good Like experiencing Have you ever been with a woman before? Sexually?

No, I'm with a White guy I know you're with a white guy Why? Why is that so hard to believe? It was funny on so many levels, right? Especially how you said it You can't really be much more

Can you say it again? White guy? Well, now you said it kind of white Before you're like I am with white guy But now you're trying to fucking Sorry, I learned everything from the internet English, you know

Right, right, right Okay So right now you're with a white guy But have you ever been with a woman? Have you ever spent an evening With a female And been sensual With a woman in a sexual type of way?

I'm gonna keep doing Asking you this Until punky's head explodes Not really But I seem like My roommate's Deodorant stuff Okay

That's like good Alright Do you guys Do they scissor or chopstick? What is that? What is that? Alright There she goes

You've been on this show before You have a small joke book, right? Yeah There she goes Mia Chan, everybody Mia Chan Alright Let's put a ribbon on this fucking thing

You guys rated in this show With a goddamn bang or what? There's only one way to do it Ladies and gentlemen The regular that has done more Sets than anybody ever In the show's entire history Austin Zone

The Memphis Strangler The Big Red Machine William Montgomery First First off, holy shit I literally thought that bitch had a gun And she's about to shoot you, right, man? Tony, I've had a really hard week

So I honestly bought 500 fortune cookies I got them today I wasn't able to come up with Any minute or anything But I thought I would just Read some of these Fortune cookies just

Tom This week Biden said half the women In his administration are women That seems high Have you seen any of those Fucking hags? Holy shit

I recently realized I've been giving my girlfriend advice That I don't apply to my own life So I started doing this thing Where anytime I'm about to give her advice I just apply whatever that is To my own life

And I've gotta say I've gotten really good At giving myself a blow job Holy shit Man, I got bought at Disney World And that shit They caught me doing it At Disney World

Literally, I got fired Unattractive people are more likely To continue wearing masks Post-COVID And I have to say My only reaction to that Is thank you Holy shit

Have you ever seen those hags? Got a bunch of fucking hags While I got around Holy shit I got a bunch of fucking hags While I got around Holy shit Have you ever seen those hags?

Got a bunch of fucking hags While I got around Holy shit Little words of the wise But if you get a baby hippo They don't actually say The same size as the bathtub Some piece of shit

If fucking Petco ripped me Oh, holy shit He didn't tell me that I swear to God I thought the hippopotamus Stayed the same size As the bathtub they were in They don't

They get huge Alright That's all I have Wow Wow The man who's done More new material on the show Than anybody ever in the show's history

Finds a way Week after week after week To creatively reinvent himself And his vessel Tony, I was not joking When I said I've had Really bad luck this week There's something you told me

I think you'll remember This past week I have an elephant collection I've been collecting elephants Since I was young And Tony asked me If I had any elephants Where the trunks were down

And sure enough I did And Tony, I got rid Of those elephants And I've still been having The worst fucking week, Tony Why did you tell me To get rid of those fucking elephants? What did you do with the elephants?

I fucking threw them away Like you told me to, man Some of those were for my grandmother You put them in the trash? Yeah Did you take the trash out? Yeah, I mean, they're gone You told me to do that, Tony

And I've just had the worst luck What happened? When did you exactly Did you get rid of the Trunk down elephants? It's a very interesting thing To bring up It was Saturday

And then my fucking electricity Goes out My electricity was out Literally the whole fucking time, Tony Some of those elephants Were from my grandmother, Tony And you told me to get rid of them You said my luck would change

And then the fucking power Goes out My 500 fucking fortune cookies Arrived It cost me a hundred dollars For 500 fortune cookies Holy shit I noticed that one of the fortune cookies

Had two pieces of paper on the inside Yeah It did Yep So you wrote the jokes down And then put them back inside of cookies? Yeah, I went through probably 50 of them I swear to God

I was doing it for the past hour Before I got here Trying to stuff those fucking things Into that How did you get it wrapped up? How did you wrap them up? Back up? Huh? How'd you get them wrapped back up?

Do what? How'd you wrap them back up? You put the notes in there Did he say that a little slower? I swear, I can't understand you I swear Forget it, it don't matter Who the fuck are you?

Why were you trying to give me advice on that shit, man? I have 500 of these fucking plays In my ass right now He's a wild man, Jim There's no explaining it The man is out of control Tony, I swear to God, I caught squatters At my apartment yesterday

I caught squatters And it was the first time in my life I've killed someone Where I was literally I was kind of justified in doing it It was the biggest rush Yeah, he was squatting I was in the fucking closet

I just waited on his ass fucking How did you kill this guy? I honestly, I was strangling him And then I put some fortune cookies in his fucking mouth Wow But yeah, it was the first time I feel like I was justified in killing somebody So that was pretty exciting

How exciting was it? Did you get really passionate about it? It wasn't Tony, I swear to God I found the best Oreo cookies They're cookies and cream Cream Oreo cookies I ate, I don't know

A whole thing last night Yeah, I've never heard of such a thing Can you explain to us what that is? Is there cream on the outside? I don't get it Just an Oreo cookie Just the cream is cookies and cream Oh, okay

Yeah, I'd never seen that before It was delicious It was double stuff Oh, double stuff Yeah, that shit was double stuff I love it when it's double stuff How much do you love it? Almost more than when I killed that dude

I swear to God, I scared this shit out of him I jumped out of the fucking closet Holy shit He had no idea I'd been in there for like five hours It was the weirdest thing He was so surprised I'd been in there like five fucking hours So what is your plan with the rest of these fortune cookies?

Are you thinking this is going to be like a new thing? Perhaps you just bust open fortune cookies to go to an hour-long set on the road go through 75 fortune cookies? Yes, that's what I'm thinking I've been having trouble doing longer sets Yeah, I think I'm going to start doing the fortune cookies or the first night ever seeing it

It's going to be my new thing I'm going to exclusively do fortune cookie shit after this Okay It's like halfway up now Okay, William, so I'm trying to figure out exactly Is your power back on? Yeah, it's back on When did it go on?

Sunday Sunday? I think Sunday Sunday? Yeah, I think Sunday No, it's not Sunday I think it was Sunday it came back on No, there's not a Sunday, William

You know this, right? It's Sunday You're the son of a powerful lawyer You must know that it's Sunday No, it's not Sunday I think it's Sunday You're kidding, I know you're kidding That's so weird you would bring that up, Tony

After giving me the bad luck, I can't believe that What are the other days of the week? Can you say some of the other days of the week? Tuesday Tuesday? Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Wednesday, Thursday, Friday Friday?

You're fucking with me What's Garfield's favorite day? Huh? What's Garfield's favorite day? Thursday Okay Yeah, that was stupid, dumbass William, you are an absolute machine Anybody have anything else for William?

He does this every week, he's an insane person He's the present, the future The past Find me, people, please Find me on cameo I was one of the top 100 people requested this past month Which is wonderful Look at that

I literally had to break up with a couple people A couple days ago, I broke up with a couple It was the weirdest fucking thing I do have one thing to say And it's all about the respect of the craft and the art These are two people you need to know So backing up saying, who the fuck are you? I took that as disrespect

Not disrespect, but disrespect Like, you need to know the people that came up before you And that's great For sure, I swear to you, punky As it was leaving my lips, I just thought to myself This is a horrible mistake These motherfuckers Punkies sitting here

These motherfuckers paying the way So I want, I want, I want Okay, okay I didn't, I didn't take a back shot Are you mad? No, I fucking loved it Okay Thank you for bringing it up, thank you

I apologize I do it to everyone So maybe I need to stop Yeah But I never go to Seoul I can't even William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen Find him on Cameo, The Real Deal

The Big Red Machine Thank you to the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka Joe Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service Screwball, Being a Better Whiskey How long can this place get for SNL And the Comedy Store Zone, Punky Johnson Eddie Pepitone Jim Florentine

Watch their podcast Catch them on tour Do everything that they tell you to do I fucking love you guys I can't believe I was able to have this much fun With all three of you here tonight In the fucking Greatest city on planet Earth, Austin, Texas

Drawing from Ryan J, E-Belt to Zen While you all sat there hanging out He drew tonight's episode That's what it looks like all the way from Oh shit, he drew you as Keenan I fucked with it That's cool That's G-style right there, you heard me

How about one more time for the best band in the land The Screwball, Being a Better Whiskey, Kill Tony band Michael Gonzalez defended his throne tonight John Dees Sent us to the fucking Haunted Organville The great D-Madness on the bass And the baby goat, Matt Mueling right here Live in the flesh

Love you guys We did it again Thank you guys so much We'll see you again next week Love you, thank you Good night everybody Thanks for watching Thanks for watching