KILL TONY - #598 - BRIAN MOSES + THAI RIVERA

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

Brian Moses, Thai Rivera, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/12/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—TALKSPACE! – As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code TONY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show. That’s TONY and talkspace.com.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to Ryanjebel.com. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for TonyHinchCliff. Austin Texas, you ready to fuck some shit up tonight or what, huh?

Thanks so much for Brian Red Band, everybody. Hey, everybody. Hey, we've been doing this a long time. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster, Deep Eddie Vodka, the best vodka on planet Earth, Gel Blaster available in stores absolutely everywhere, and the Austin Security Guard Service. I want to hand for our friend Dwayne over here. Look at this badass motherfucker.

Literally, you ever need security guards in Austin, the Austin Security Guard Service. It sounds like a made-up name, but that's what they're called. And of course, screwball, peanut butter whiskey presents the Kill Tony Band, everybody. Yep. That's the real deal right here. One of the best musicians on planet Earth. James Atkins is on the drums tonight, everyone. Yes.

The great John Dees on the keys. That's D-Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Matt Mueling on the electric, and that's the great Paul Deemer on the horns, everybody. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Good evening, everyone. If you're trying to improve your health, hydration is a great place to start. Liquid IV is the hydration brand that fuels your well-being.

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Talkspace is affordable and in-network with most insurers. And as a listener of this podcast, you will get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com and use code TONY. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com and use code TONY to get $100 off your first month, and you'll be showing support for this show. That's TONY at Talkspace.com. Hey, y'all. One of our most awesome days of the month is when our box of awesome from Bespoke Post

arrives. So we're just going to go ahead and unbox this thing right now and tell you guys what we got. I'm going to tell you that I open mine and I am so excited about it. I got the gadget. This multi-tool comes from SOG, a company with deep roots in the U.S. military, which just so happens to be the greatest military on planet Earth. Anyway, their products are regularly field-proven by the U.S. special forces.

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Yes, it's great, man. It's like a Christmas once a month. I love it. Recently, I got Scorch, which is a bunch of hot sauces that are all from small brands all over the country, with some from here in Texas, Nevada, California, and more. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. Each box is valued at around $70, but you only pay a fraction of that price. Plus, with each box of awesome, you're supporting small businesses.

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You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, I have two of the best comedians on Planet Earth on this show. This week, no different, two of my favorites, two people that I've literally been working with for 16 motherfucking years. Paid regulars at the comedy store, monster comedians, we're lucky to have them here in Austin. Welcome, my friends. Brian Moses and Ty Rivera.

Yep. The creator of Roast Battle. Ty Rivera, touring with Tim Dillon. Come on and make yourselves at home. Multiple time guests of the show. They know what they're doing here tonight. We're going to have fun. Moses is a young black man.

The creator of Roast Battle. I was 16 years ago. Mike, Mike, Mike. Check that. We got to get that going. We are real. It's a real podcast. I love it.

We're going to get it working here. Ty Rivera is here. Yes. You're not going to mention how young I am, Tony? No. Well, you know, during the silent film era, there was blackface, so this feels appropriate. During Black History Month, my fucking mic doesn't work. Are you kidding me?

Moses doesn't do blackface, but he does do white hands. I don't know if you guys... We've been doing this a long time together. We're going to have fun here tonight. You guys have been guests on the show before you know how it works. Comedians signed up tonight. Over 100 of them signed up to get the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds to do stand-up comedy uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That means they have to wrap it up. It's a big loud noise. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. And the whole thing's improvised and sometimes gets a little fucking crazy. Are you guys ready to do this shit or what?

All right. We're going to start the show with one of our regulars. This guy has the ridiculously hard job of having to come up with, write and perform a brand new 60 seconds every single week. He was once a poor little unknown man and he's off of another fresh sold out weekend selling out with a Rolex. This is Hans Kemp Hey, I've been really getting into drone flying which is tough.

Because right now it's a bad time for Asians to be flying unmanned vehicles in American airspace. I feel like a structural engineer from Turkey right now. Hell yeah. Disaster. I feel like a guy that got into urban sharpshooting after JFK got assassinated. Joe Biden gave a great state of the union address except for the time that he started praising the union troops and Kamala Harris had to remind him that the civil war was over

and she wasn't his slave. I feel like a lot of what airlines tell us is bullshit because I've never looked at a plane crash and been like, I hope they all had their trays in the upright and locked position. I think Kobe might have survived the helicopter crash if he put his seat back in the upright position. All right, thank you, Hans Kemp. Very strong minute this week, very topical, well executed, through and throughout.

How's it going, Hans? Amazing. I think I might get laid tonight. Whoa. What makes you think that? What's going on? What do you got cooking? I got a bun in the oven, a beautiful girl.

A bun in the oven. A bun or bow? She's Jewish, so. Oh, yeah. They don't like ovens at all. I think you should stop using bun in the oven if she's real Jewish. And it has begun, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Keltona. Even cautions over there laughing at my juju.

Look at this, you got a level. Hans, so where'd you meet this little Jewish girl at? Right here at the Vulcan in Austin, Texas. Wow. Tonight? Do you meet her tonight? No, three weeks ago, two weeks ago. Yeah, she's very beautiful.

She's way more attractive than me. I hope she doesn't find out. What do you think she likes about you? I honestly have no idea. I have a lot of Instagram followers. Girls can have Asian fetishes, right? All right, all right, it's the first time we've ever done that in this show's history. That's what it took to get that noise.

Do girls have Asian fetishes? Theoretically. There it was, decent. Can girls have Asian fetishes? Do you think constantly? Technically, yes. All right, all right, all right. Okay.

Have you been with this girl before? Sexually. Before today? Yes. Okay. I think it was good for you. Yeah. Have you noticed something different being with a Jewish girl that's different than any

other kind of girl? She's smart, she's like always aware. Positive racism by Hans Kim. Things started today. Positive stereotypes being reinforced. Smart and aware. I love it, I love it. What else has been going on in life, Hans?

I've just been touring Dania Beach, hung out with some couples, very platonic relationships that we had with each other. Sounds suspicious, but I'll let it slide. What did you do with these couples, exactly? I flew my drone for them. Hans doesn't rest on the road at all, by the way. This fucking guy treats every road gig like it's a field trip to some far away land. Shows up to his shows yawning and exhausted.

It's quite wild. I had a great time, I kissed a dude. Okay. That is breaking news. This is the first of all the wild times. Ty Romero, I'm back in. And I definitely have an Asian fetish. Oh shit.

I believe him. I believe him. Ramen meet ramen. Oh my goodness. What would you do with a guy like Ty Romero? Can you imagine? I would put him through a metal detector. And then you'd flip over.

Oh shit, I can't even imagine. I get some magnets. I'm already drawn to you. Magnets and magnums, that's going to be a fucking party. Hans, how did you kiss a guy? Let's talk about this. That's crazy. So I did a little meet and greet after the show. Sounds like a meet and meet if you ask me. A real meet up?

Yeah. And this beautiful couple was like, hey, you can kiss her if you kiss me. And I was like, well, you know, we're here for the fans. It's really about them, not us. Okay, so the girl was hot so you wanted to kiss her so you kissed him to get to her? Exactly, yeah. So was this like a make out or a little pack? What would you consider this? So with the girl as a make out with the dude, I tried to go with a closed mouth kiss,

but I think he wanted something extra. Oh my goodness, he gave you a little tongue. He did, yeah. Wow, that is wild. Even D-Madness is shocked right now. Incredible. Now Tony, we just learned that he had a threesome with another guy recently. Are you like starting to become gay as fuck? Is this something that you see perhaps becoming a new part of the Hans Kim experience?

Are you going both ways? No, not really. I'm pretty homophobic. Okie dokie, there you go. Again, he's brutally honest, so it works out perfectly. In what ways are you homophobic? Because I mean, not a lot of the... Trust me, the big boy from Oklahoma City is like, no, you ain't homophobic, Faggot. I don't know a homophobe out here kissing dudes.

That ain't homophobic where he comes from, alright? In OKC, that's G-A-Y, you know what I'm saying? What's homophobic about... Oh, you just blew him a little kiss. Look at these Texas tough guys about to throw up over here. These guys in their flannels over here, but these are the secret gays. These Texas guys right here, this fucking broke back shit going on over here. Kind of guys that go hunting with their wives, getting lost in the woods, you know what I mean?

Kind of guys that know how to spit tobacco and swallow cum, you know what I'm talking about? Alright, we're just having fun here. So you kissed the dude. What else? I went swimming. Wow, that's a big drop off in entertainment right there. I went swimming by myself. You take goggles, did you bring your goggles?

Yeah, I did a couple laps. Oh my goodness, he takes goggles on the road with him just in case he goes swimming, everybody. Support. Alright. Well, Han, so much fun as always. Way to get the show started. Thank you, Tony. You fucking did it again, you're a legend.

There he goes, the great Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you. And like that, it has begun. Hans Kim setting a standard for what the fuck is supposed to happen here. However, things are about to take a turn because this bucket tends to give us some fucking wild times. This is where anybody, it could be somebody's first time, could be a local legend that's been dying to get up, that finally gets pulled, anything can happen. Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Samantha Minney.

Here she is, everybody. Make some noise for Samantha Minney. Hey, I don't know if you guys could tell, I started going to the gym last year. Yeah. I realized I wasn't made out for that lifestyle. I ended up being in a group chat with a bunch of like gym bros, and one guy texted at 1 a.m., like, who's trying to get some late night gains? I was like, dude, I don't even get on top after midnight.

I do feel like I do need to get back to it, like I have to do something with this, because right now I feel like the most threatening thing about me is I look like I'd keep the baby. I'm not on birth control, and that's a threat, okay? I don't have a gun, I have a loose uterus. You know who doesn't like that I'm not on birth control? Planned Parenthood. They hate that. I went in for an appointment.

I don't have healthcare. And they asked me, like, oh, we see you don't take the pill. Like, what do you do for birth control? And I said, I only sleep with guys that look like they have a low sperm count. Have you ever been through the Taco Bell drive-thru? Trying to get Baja blasted in. There you go, Samantha Mini, squeezing it all in. Hello, Samantha.

You've been on this show before, correct? No. No? No. No. Are you saying yeah or no? No. Okay.

No. No. No. No. No. No. You're totally not. Okay.

So welcome, Samantha. How long have you been on Stand Up? Five years. Five years. We're at? I lived in Buffalo. Oh, the home of John Bees, everyone. Hi.

What's your favorite thing about Buffalo? Josh Allen. Okay. There you go. Real sad. Real sad. I love it. Okay.

What do you do for work? I work at Cap City and yeah. Cap City. Okay. Yeah. That's how I know you. I know you from the Buffalo Helium. Yes.

Absolutely. Now it's all coming together now. And you've been working at Cap City for how long? Since I moved here in September. September. And that's a new club that's up north quite a ways in the domain mall. How's things been going up at Cap City? I still, believe it or not, have not even made it up there yet.

We have so much going on down here that I haven't been to a comedy club in Austin, Texas. Is that crazy? A little bit. So how's it going up there in Cap City? It's good. Okie dokie. I guess there's an interview part.

I don't know. I bartend. It's a beautiful room. I don't see the shows either. It's a nice room. It looks nice. There's like a little balcony. It has the same year old that they all have.

Yeah. Okay. Samantha, what do you do for fun? What's the rest of your life like? You're not doing stand up. Okie dokie. I'm sorry. I'm...

I don't know. I just... You don't know? Yeah. The rest of your life. Any hobbies? Anything that you're into? Anything at all?

I like looking out the window, waiting for war. It's all a blur. You know life? Uh huh. How about... How about for fun? What do you do for fun? Uh...

What is fun, you know? Jesus Christ. Dude. Oh my God. This is like if Whitney didn't do ketamine or something like that. This is incredible. This is just a shell of a human. You think it's fine.

I love it. What's the most interesting thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? Doesn't have to be a joke. Just a fun fact about Samantha Minney that we'd be surprised to know. Something you've seen or done or maybe you saved somebody's life. Maybe you all died and came back. Something to anything, create anything at all in your whole fucking life. Again, you get to reference your entire existence right now and take just one thing and talk

about it right now in front of a live studio audience. We'll be right back. First ever second commercial break in Kiltoni history, but we're going to take one right now. It's okay. It's alright, Samantha. What do you think I've done ever? Look at me.

I'm a little Christian boy. Like, I don't... Well, Christian boys actually have much more entertaining stories than that. At least they admit to giving blowjobs. You know what I mean? Alright. I exclusively don't give blowjobs. I love it.

We already do. This is why I don't date women. Yeah. Yeah. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'd rather eat cautions pussy than fucking whatever's going on out of here. I have a feeling cautions pussy would have more to talk about.

Yeah. And somehow caution has less warning signs than this one as well. It doesn't make any sense. I love it. Samantha, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on. Fun stuff. Here's a little joke book.

Here you go. Catch it. Oh, good. I'm not left handed. It's okay. You're good. Samantha. There she goes.

Samantha Mini, everybody. She just... Ah, Ty being a gentleman. Alright. Back to the bucket. We go. You guys understand now. This is a real show.

There's no prompters. There's no scripts for these people, as you can tell by what just happened up here. Your next comedian goes by the name of Wow. We know this young man. He came on the show two weeks ago and made a fucking impact. Ladies and gentlemen, his second time ever on Kill Tony. This is Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Shit's about to happen.

Shit's about to take a turn right now. That is a very lucky second bucket pull for the show. It's going to take a second, but he's coming. Here he is, everybody. All the way from Canada. His second time ever on the show. Already a Kill Tony legend. You're going to get to see him right now.

Make some fucking noise for Aaron Belial, everybody. Okie dokie, red band. Is that you? D's, what the fuck was that? Guys, come on. Get it together. What the fuck? Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Belial.

Clap for Aaron, everybody. Hello, my name is Aaron Belial, and I'm handicapped. Trouble is, Karen from the internet informed me that I'm not allowed to say handicapped, because it's offensive. You can't say that word anymore. It is offensive to disabled people. Listen, cracker, I'm handicapped. I'm handicapped. It's not offensive.

Well, you don't get to decide what is offensive or not to disabled people. Who the fuck does then? Some, two-legged, white woman on Facebook, who is probably commenting on her phone from a handicapped bathroom stall. It makes me mad. I tried to be accepting of everybody, but these woke middle-aged white bitches just take it too far. Fuck yeah.

Aaron Belial. Unbelievable. The second-ever minute we've ever seen, he came on and fucked up, and he was like, unbelievable. The second-ever minute we've ever seen, he came on and fucking decimated

last week, or two weeks ago. It's good to have you back, Aaron. How are you? What's shaking? What's going on? What did we not cover a couple weeks ago that we should know about you or talk about about you? This is your guys' first time seeing Aaron?

Everything. Yes, I love it. Absolutely. Brian Moses, what do you think about the great Aaron Belial? I gotta be honest. I've always wanted to see what Tony Hensheth would look like with polio. You son of a bitch. But still funny, still funny.

Retard Tony. He can call me the n-word. I was just gonna say. He can type it out. I really hope he does, because technically it's not him saying it. So I think he can say it. I've always wanted to meet a white black guy.

Oh, I want that one. That's a good one. I fist bump you, but I don't wanna knock you over. He is a white black guy. Moses from San Diego. Black guys like everybody. Yeah, it sounds like his voice machine. How are you doing?

It's from the mean cul-de-sacs of San Diego, everyone. Yeah, I'll allow it. It is Black History Month, but you need this more than I do. I love it. Ty Rivera, your first time seeing Aaron? No, I met Aaron before he's been getting around Austin. I love Aaron. At first, though, when you said the name, I didn't know it,

and I was wondering what was taking him so long. And then he came around and I was like, now I'm the asshole. Don't say anything smart. I'll cut off your fucking speaker. It's nice to meet the cast of Mortal Kombat. My goodness, what a fucking force to be reckoned with. So this is why we're scared of AI taking over, right?

I totally get it now. This guy is cerebral ballsy. You know what I'm saying? It is incredible. I love it. Aaron Belial back in the house a second time. I write you jokes, not mine. That's why mine are good.

Oh, my goodness. Incredible. Wow, I fucking love it. Aaron, you've been having fun in Austin. You're killing it. What exactly is your condition called? I don't know if we really covered that, because it's like... Yeah, we actually asked a question, the episode that's airing tonight.

You know, we've never met somebody that's a mute. And is that something like you don't have the vocal cords or your brain doesn't connect the wires? And you never answered it. And is there a way for me to make Red Band have that? Yeah. Is there like a pill I can slip into his fucking vodka Red Bull? Because I would love that.

I have cerebral palsy. It's neuromuscular. Okay. Right. And, but like, yeah. See, you've never like talked. This is a lot. We should do trivia in between this part, you know.

I can't use all the muscles needed to form speech. Right. Right. How about your dick? What's your dick like? Yeah. If he can't talk, he can't say no. Thai motherfucking Rivera.

I love it. It works better than yours. Oh, come on. How does he know that? I cannot imagine. And at last 10 minutes longer. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I can't imagine what you fucking is like. Going at it anytime. I'm about to come. I'm going to shoot my load on your tits. My sex life is not as bad as you might think. Obviously, it's a lot harder because I'm disabled, but I've been around. I'm cute, kind, and loyal.

I'm like a puppy, but one you can legally fuck. An unstoppable force. Hey, it, it, it. Built for this show. Absolutely. I mean, legally fucking Canada. I don't think you guys really discriminate. Edit.

In sign language, what is the sign from you? What the fuck? Red band, shut the fuck up. Shut GBT wrote that. Sit down, put your fucking microphone down, and enjoy the show. Okay? Jesus Christ, these fucking stupid questions.

Hey, nothing better than a sign language question on a podcast. Do I look like I know sign language? Wait, what? Do I look like I know sign language? I know, it's unbelievable. He's, he's, I thought they all knew. He's so handicapped. He makes you look like fucking Lance Armstrong

or something like that. Oh, shit, he's got some brew on it. Look at that fucking thumb moving at a fast pace. That fucking, all his muscles are in his right thumb. He should be my new service dog. He's about the same intelligence. Oh my god. How dare you?

Son of a bitch. I love it. Aaron, you into anything that would be surprised? Like you have other hobbies or anything like that? Like you fucking collect something? Are you a skateboard? Yeah, perhaps. Oh, he does know a little sign language.

Oh, shit, little Canadian birdie just fucking. I feel like you got a little something up your sleeve. You know what I mean? I'm not talking about that left arm, but I feel like there's more to Aaron than what we know. Really interested, perhaps bird watching. I got some trivia. I lost the answer to that question.

Hell yeah. I think that was a typo on that one. I make mental health content on Instagram. Oh, cool. I love that. So you're out there fucking helping people, creating laughter, which is the best medicine unless you have whatever you have. Pretty sure there's not enough laughter in the world

to fix that fucking. What do you got for us there? I'm going to keep you up here for the next two hours. I want to see how long the Bluetooth battery in a JBL has. It's about 12 to 13 hours. Tony has been taking hormone treatments to have the figure of a female tennis player.

That is true. That's actually true. And I'm not there yet. Still, I need a lot more, a lot more injections to get to. Everything about you reminds me of Peter Pan, except the fact that Peter Pan was less like Tinkerbell than you are. And also, Peter Pan didn't throw handicap people off of his stage every once in a while when he felt threatened with a fucking gladiator

300 kick to the chest. I will send you into caution's way. That's true. And you ain't the type that she's going to catch. You know what I'm saying? She's going to fucking watch you hit the deck, dude. She's going to take your cane and fucking shove it where the sun don't shine,

which is a lot of places. This guy's a bully, fuck. Yeah, he really is. He really is. Are you from Canada? Is he Canadian? See if you had American healthcare, everybody caught that shit early. I told him last week you can really tell

which arm they put the vaccine in. Can't help, can't help our dirty Texas sense of humor, you know what I mean? This is the sassiest Ouija board I've ever played with. Sassiest Ouija board! Aaron Beloff. Fair enough. Aaron, you are absolutely a star.

Let me ask you this. The last time that you were on, I asked you, I was so amazed by you. I literally said, what do you want? And you said, what was it? $30,000 for an immigration lawyer so that you can become an American. At that very moment, there was a man

sitting in the front of the front row, a Harvard law graduate that literally said that he will take on your case pro bono and make you an American citizen. In fact, I found out later after that that he broke his girlfriend's heart and she introduced him to Kill Tony. Or he broke his girlfriend's heart,

who had introduced him to Kill Tony. And it was his way of trying to impress her to get her back. I can't remember if you remember. Why did you just say that? No, it's amazing because now she knows who we're talking about, the Iraqi Harvard law graduate. There's only one ever.

It's very exciting. She's probably listening right now, thinking, wow, he is a good guy, he's helping this guy. Have you heard anything from him? Is there any good news on that front? I have a lot of questions. You could probably be headed by now, right? Yeah, wow.

He's working on it, he says. Amazing, unbelievable. So what else? Is there anything else we can do for you, Aaron? Some fucking stem cells into that left eye? Friends of Joe Rogan, dude, we could fucking probably... Please. A gorilla cattle bell in fucking... Five months if we have anything to do with it.

Where do you think the word mute came from? The origin of the word mute, do you think it evolved over time, like it started as something else? Can you ask a good question? Everything you're ever about to say, before you do it, go, is this going to make people laugh?

Is it going to advance the conversation? What is wrong with you? Can you ask a good question? Just one. Yeah, can you? Sure, sure. I can ask. Are you a virgin? Jamal Bajiani is the name

of the Iraqi lawyer. No, are you? Oh, my God. A one-on-one candy cat match. Just all VR porn, right? I didn't hear that. What? Shit.

Just all VR porn, right? Just all VR porn. Oh, just all VR porn. Oh, yes. It's like real. Yeah. VR meets CP. It's incredible that we're all here tonight. I don't know what to do with you, Erin.

You are absolutely a fucking star. I love your style. I hope you think that there's a good chance you're going to move to a place like Austin, Texas. What's your main goal when you get to possibly be an American? Is Austin the place for you? I'm thinking you can go to New York or LA

where they also lean a little left, if you know what I'm saying. That's the tip of the night right there. I want it to be nice today, but I was accidentally an asshole again. You wanted a what? Be nice. Oh, yeah. No, it's good.

I'd love to have you on The Secret Show whenever you can. Thursday. Thursday night. Live in Austin, Texas. Erin Belial just got a paid gig. Fucking legend. Make some noise for him. One more time for the great

Erin Belial, everybody. Hell, yeah. Love that shit. Because we're bad boys. We ain't going nowhere. We ain't. Maybe we should do that.

Let's get another one of our regulars up here, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian also writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. One of the great writers and roasters in the show's entire history. Fresh off of his Super Bowl commercial.

This is the one and only David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. I hate dating. Pretty girls be acting up. I used to rely on fat bitches, but ever since Lizzo, these hoes got too much confidence. Too much confidence.

All these fucking jiggly orange bitches out of pocket, man. That shit gonna make me... And they got the nerd to tell me they love me. Bitch, you won't do no sit-up or no push-up. How the fuck you love me? I don't even know how Lizzo became the spokesperson for fat bitches, man, because don't nobody want

Lizzo. She the worst type of fat bitch. A fat bitch with no titties. That's the worst. And then she got that big ass wide booty, man. Lizzo booty look like she been sitting on a hibachi grill. That's shit. That shit is fucking horrible. Okay, yeah. All right, cool. Thank y'all, man.

The great, the powerful David motherfucking Lucas. Another great minute. Fresh off of a goddamn Super Bowl commercial. How cool is that? Yeah, bro. It was dope, bro. I love it, man. It's great to see you up there. You missed a Monday for that. Went to L.A.

Out there doing the damn thing. Hey, planter's peanuts. Planter's peanuts. I hate you wasn't there. You could have stuck one up your ass. Oh, wow. You could have made us some peanut butter. You with a shit in it? All right.

Tony, you dress like you coach a gay college football team. Because the Ohio State Bud-Eyes. Son of a bitch. You don't gotta run it back. You gotta run it from the back. Okay. All right.

All y'all do is practice hunting. You just making niggas? Yeah. Let's run that hut one more time. Yeah. Hut on four. Hut, hut, hut. I want to recruit you to be my widest receiver. Hey, if you was on the football team,

niggas would put knee pads in their asshole. Niggas just... So you don't tackle a nigga from the back and, you know, have your pants down. You got this fucking planter's peanut confidence. It's great that they had you on the peanut roast because you're jelly. So it makes sense.

It's incredible that you guys got to come together. They needed a bisexual, but they had Natasha Leguero. Natasha Leguero. How have you say that bitch's name? I don't know. That is so funny. That is like the meanest thing to do to somebody.

He's just like, yeah, whatever. Anthony Gieselbeck or whatever. Bleep that out so these white women don't be mad at me. No, you'll be fine. White women love you. Yeah. We got old cousins who will fight them anyway. Okay. If shit get down to the get down,

you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Absolutely David Lucas. What do you guys know, David? You've seen him before. What shit? You know what's crazy, bro? Me and Ty actually met when I first moved to LA. We used to do this fucking tribal cafe, which was a cafe that had an open mic

and the refrigerator was so loud it would heckle you. It sounded like a car cranking up. That's how loud the refrigerator was. That's how loud the refrigerator was. Probably got excited because it thought you were another refrigerator. So probably a

mating call of some time. This nigga sassy with that motherfucker pull over home. Oh yeah, you're goddamn right. That motherfucker sat on the bottom of hot sauce where he got him. That's good though that you've been friends with Ty, Italian,

fucking Mexican. You love it. You love it all. How about Moses? What's your history with Moses like? It's the king right here, man. I love this guy. Nigga though, we were just talking about Lizzo. Have you seen White Precious behind you though?

Oh yeah. I don't even know what that is, nigga. Yeah. That's your worst nightmare, David. She looks like a non-binary penguin. That bitch. A non-binary penguin. I'm not black and white.

I'm white and black. Oh my goodness. I've known David forever and I'm afraid to put the mic too close to my mouth because I know he'll fucking ding me right away. I was like yeah, I'm not. I don't want none.

We good, we good. I only roast Tony in White Guest. Why is that? Why do you only roast the White Guest? Because color people had it hard enough, man. It's time for you all to get y'all beating from a nigga. It's Black History Month.

And white person give me a... I got a question for you for Black History Month, Tony. If we were back in slavery, how much would you pay for me? By the pound. That's Moses. That was Moses. Moses gave that to me.

Moses... Moses is out here giving me jokes like I'm his fucking JBL Bluetooth speaker. I've never been... I've never heard of a black tooth before, but we just did it. Oh my goodness. Now, Moses is just saying...

Yeah. I'm legitimately terrified of you. You have the sharpest tongue in all the most battle industry. I'm not fucking with you. I got right, and people would take a month to prepare that still beat him. You're a fucking monster.

I would call people up. I'd be like, bro, just line me up with all five people at a night. It was so fun. Oh yeah, I roasted... What's the white boy name who said that Hollywood was weird and the ghost of Michael Jackson...

Jim Crow. No, the ghost of Michael Jackson. What's his name? Corey Feldman. Corey Feldman, I roasted him. Oh shit. Roasted Corey Feldman, yeah. Incredible. I love it.

There's Planners Peanut Rose. What was your favorite joke that didn't get on? So I opened... If y'all know Yamanika, she's a black girl who's probably like 60 pounds heavier than me. And I'm way prettier than her. So the first joke

that came out of my mouth, Yamanika's here, I said her name three times and my air fryer came on. That's amazing. And then I... There was two that I wished... I said, Mr. Planner has killed

so many white kids, BLM let them speak at their rallies. I mean, what is what? And then I said... I can't believe that one didn't get on, Fox. And then there was another one of my favorites, I said Mr. Planner

stole his style from Mr. Monopoly and it makes sense all brown people like to roll dice and go to jail. Oh, my goodness. Pretty decent, man. Too real. Yeah, I think it's a little too real. Too real.

David, you're an absolute fucking icon on this show. You come in, you wreck it every week. Out there crushing it, selling out shows everywhere and I'm in Vegas at... What's that club out there? Wise Guys.

I'm at Vegas, Wise Guys. March 3rd and the 4th, pull up, y'all. There he is, selling out more shows. Absolutely killing. The great David Lucas, everybody. Make some fucking noise for him. Yeah. Back to the bucket we go.

Give me my message. Bum, bum. Bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum, bum. Make some noise for your next comedian, Elliot Thompson. Here he is. One more time for

Elliot Thompson. What's going on? I've got no money. It's all right. There are more important things, but I don't think money can buy you happiness. I do think that it can whittle down.

Yeah. I do think that it can whittle down some of the reasons why you're not happy. You know what I mean? You can just be like, well, it wasn't that. So... That's why rich people...

Rich people are the only people who can be, like, truly depressed. You know? Like, true... Depression. That's a rich privilege. If you're rich and sad, that's a disease. And you need to get that fixed immediately. But if you're...

If you're poor and sad, how do you know? How do you know that it's depression and not just your shitty life? During the... During the pandemic, I was so broke, I couldn't pay my bills, I called my friend, she's a shrink and I was like, I'm doing bad, dude.

She's like, well, hear me out. We can get you, like, on an SSRI antidepressant, and I was like, before we get all pill-crazy, you know, before we try changing my brain chemistry, what if we try prescribing me something like $700? I think that might... I think that might fix me. Thank you so much.

I love it. Rockin' and rollin'. Comin' up with the real fuckin', you got your own style. You have your fuckin' young Steven Tyler face. Look at you. Thank you so much. Got the fuckin' whole thing goin' on. How old are you? I'm 31.

How long have you been on stand-up? Six years. Six years. Where at? All of it here? Brooklyn. New York. Are you just visiting? Yeah, I'm in town for, like, 10 days. Sweet? How long have you been here so far? Just through the weekend. Okay. Do you do anything fun yet?

Um... Dude, I went... Somebody mentioned birdwatching. I've birdwatched, dude. Whoa! That's wild! What are the odds of that? That is absolutely incredible. I brought my binoculars and everything. Incredible. A poor man's delight.

Uh... Birds are free. They're out there flying. If you already have a pair of binoculars, you might as well watch the birds. If you... Now that Netflix isn't letting people share their passwords, I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a lot more amateur birdwatchers going on. That's true. Yeah.

Incredible. So why are you so broke, exactly? You're 31 years old. You're a good-lookin' guy. I've been only fans by now, but here you are. I, um... I've never... I've never wanted to work. Right. Incredible.

So how have you... Ty? No, you just have the look of somebody that's never wanted to work. Yeah. And only white people can be poor in vacation for 10 days in Austin. Whoo! Dress...

Dress for the job you want, you know? So how have you survived 31 years without a work ethic? Um, I had a job... I had the best job I'd ever had during COVID. I was a... I was a weed delivery guy in New York. And... Wow.

That's crazy, because you look like a weed delivery guy in New York. Yeah. Like, there's a uniform that says... Yeah, this is standard, but... No one sees you walking up and like, oh, shit, this definitely might be an undercover cop, right?

There's no chance. They might try to rob you or something. It seems like the opposite. Yeah, um... Yeah, no, I'm pretty intimidating. Um... Nobody would want to fuck with this. Were you on a bicycle?

Uh, yeah, bike mainly. Was it a city bike or your own bike? My own bike, got a little basket on it. Oh, shit, hell yeah. Absolutely. Um, okay, do you play music or something? I grew up playing in bands. Okay. What's your instrument of choice?

I play bass. Okay, very cool. You keep up on it a little bit? I doodle, you know, but after college, I dropped it. Right, right, because that would take work. Yeah.

And talent. What's your love life like? It seems like I imagine that you just plow through all the pussy. That's the vibe that I'm getting. He's dating one of the pink ladies in Greece, obviously. Yeah. Um...

But I'm... It probably happens so fast. Yeah, it's... It's really... He probably had you a blast. Tell me more. Tell me more, tell me more. Tyra Vera!

Hey. Yeah, meeting people is really easy for me. Yeah. So what's your favorite type of a lady? What does she look like? Is there a certain type that you have? Is she a little bit gothic? Yeah, gothic usually...

Usually also... I meet too many people at bars. I'm trying to stop meeting people at bars. I found out that if you meet somebody at a bar, they're always an alcoholic. Right. It doesn't... And you would think that, because everybody goes to bars,

but if you meet somebody and you fall in love with somebody at a bar, they are an alcoholic. Right, yeah. You should meet people somewhere or more on your level, like a fentanyl clinic or something like that. That... At least they're working on it.

Well, you're not really into that either, are you? I love it. Elliott, you're such a charismatic guy. What else about you? What would we be surprised to know about you? Um... I, um... I'm surprised. I mean, I thought the bird watching thing was pretty cool, but...

You did bring binoculars just to look at birds. Do you have, like, a bird that you're a dream bird, your favorite bird? Like, is there a bird you're like, that's mine? Like, a blue... A blue cardinal. Do you like blue cardinals? I hate you so much. I'm so sick of working with you.

It's unbelievable. Nine years and fucking eight or nine months of this bullshit all around the world, every Monday. Blue cardinal? Anything? Anything? I'm just gonna keep talking and delay anything stupid?

Fucking fuck. I thought that, that was... No, it was... That was fine. There's a bird kind of like a blue cardinal that I want to see out here. It's called a Stellar's Jay. Oh, wow. See how stupid that question was? Even when there's an answer, it takes us to nowhere.

It's incredible. Absolutely. Okay, so other than bird watching, let me ask you this. You seem like kind of like a rock and roll guy. You said that you're deeply in the women as we can all tell. Take care of yourself. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom?

You have like a special move that you do that you pride yourself on that works for you and maybe a trick that you could teach some of these people? I know caution's listening over there. I know that bitch has tricks for days. I would say a couple things is you should... I always wrap it up and have the condom

ready to go. Don't have to be looking through and have it put that in a little place near the bed. You put it... You put the condom on before you get on your bicycle to go get laid. Yeah. I don't want to fuck this up.

His finishing move is ketamine or rupinal. That's... Yeah, no, when I'm biking, I'm hard. That's right. I've got my condom on and I've got a hard cock when I'm biking. Yeah, absolutely. You can ride with no hands, just fucking...

It's true. Stupid horn? Oh, you have the bird... Great. That was all killing so hard that it's time for us to play some more bird noises. Jeez.

Is that UDs? You have birds too over there? What the fuck is going on tonight? Holy shit! Deezus out there downloading the craziest shit every week. Did you have that on before? Did you just do that right now?

Oh, wow, look at this, asking technical questions to the leader of the band. Is that Haram? I don't know. I'd love to have you open the secret show Thursday. Wow, look at that. You just got booked on a real show in Austin, Texas. Elliott Thompson making his Kill Tony debut, everybody.

Elliott, take one of those. That's a real Kill Tony jokebook, handmade by the great Bones Eye, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on Instagram. B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. He'll make you anything. He makes the coolest fucking custom shit. Our old crew rolls around

with sweet fucking leather jokebooks and cool things, wallets and fucking... You name it. Back to the bucket we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Zeb Green. Zeb... Green. Ba-ba.

Ba-ba. Ba-na-na-na. Hey! Here comes Zeb Green, ladies and gentlemen. This is quite the man I can tell already. This is very exciting. Come on, people. Making is what I believe is his Kill Tony debut.

This is Zeb Green, everyone. Hey, how's everybody doing? Thought I'd start off tonight by addressing the room. Hi, it's me. I'm the elephant. It's me. I'm so fat that it's hard for me to find clothing choices. Usually I have to go with curtains or back to the elephant.

This is full elephant belly right here. Cover up my belly. I'm so fat that even D-Madness... Sorry. I'm so happy that D-Madness even knew I was fat when I was walking up here because he felt the change in the size of big activity. Also so fat because I'm running out of breath,

so I apologize. I just got to Austin and I'm really excited to chase my dream because it doesn't involve any actual running, so that's good. So, hey, even though I'm large and gargantuan, y'all have to accept me because I'm part of the trans community.

Part of the trans fat community. And as y'all can see, I'm fully transition. So, appreciate it. Well, I gotta go ahead and do this interview and go get somebody to eat. Appreciate y'all. Thank you. Thank you. Exactly one minute.

Zeb Green, welcome to the chaos, my friend. That was incredible. We've been doing this a long time. You're the first comedian where we've ever seen your heart palpitation on stage. That was incredible. No, I apologize, man. I'm very out of shape. I know this is my first time.

Your first time doing stand-up. Ah, but a hand for everybody. Popping is cherry, which is hard to do when you're made of ice cream. That's a rare, rare treat. I didn't realize the Dairy King would be joining us here today. This is incredible. I'm glad you called me early, man.

I was standing back there like, man, where's some food? I love it. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's wild. The sound between you and Red Band's rumbling stomachs right now. It sounds like a Turkish earthquake or something. It's unbelievable. Yeah, I was so nervous, man.

I didn't think I was going to be out of breath. What was his name, Aaron Biles? I needed his box. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ah, Zeb, let's talk about it. First time doing stand-up. What made you want to try it here tonight? I just always wanted to try it, man. Never had the opportunity, so I just want to come down here and...

Where are you from? What part of Alabama are you from? Well, I was born in Arkansas, but I just came from Palestine, Texas. Oh, Palestine. Okay. What do you do for work out there? Yeah, man. I used to be in the aerospace industry for a long time selling hardware to, like Boeing and Lockheed and Northrop,

and I was disabled, so I had to quit working. What's the disability? My face. My back's tore up and I had some surgeries and I got a spinal cord stimulator installed. Absolutely. Incredible.

Zeb, what do you like to do for fun? What else about your life? I don't know, man. It hadn't been well, so I'm going to try to do this for fun and see what happens. I love it. I love it. How does it feel up here? It's how you thought it would go. What are the things that surprised you

when you got up here? Describe to these people what performing for your first time was like. Yeah, so I was just a lot more nervous and because I'm so fat, again, I know that was my whole set, but walking up here, I didn't realize it was going to be so far out of breath, but I moved out of Austin,

then I walked up some stairs today, moved a lot of things around, did a lot of things, and the fatness is not happy with myself right now, so I was just surprised I was running out of breath, trying to push through and make some jokes. You're doing it. You're fucking doing it. Ty Rivera. I wasn't sure if you were nervous or if you were dying. Yeah.

Me either. And if it's a second, I just ask that you fall that way. Absolutely. Absolutely. Actually, that's the reason I came into comedy right now is because any moment, the heart's going to stop, so might as well go ahead and get it done, you know?

Hell yeah. There you go. There's a sound effect. Obviously, you have a question loaded up instead. Red BAM? Another one of these brilliant questions. I was going to say, fall towards the symbol. That'd be hilarious if he goes, you know, yep. Yeah, that would be hilarious.

Yeah, right. It'd be better if I fell down on a blue card and at least I have something to eat. There you go. Fuck yeah. I love it. Oh, your phone just tried to kill itself. I'll shut up. I cannot listen to another one of these fucking knowing killer.

Zeb, before I let you go, what's another crazy thing about your life, a fun fact about you, an accomplishment or something that you've done or maybe your family or something that you've seen? Right. So when I was 12, my dad kidnapped me and took me to Mexico.

Oh, shit. Okay. Wow. And fun fact with that, the only reason he took me was the change in 83-year-old man's diapers the whole time. Change in 83-year-old man's diapers I thought he brought you to Mexico because you looked like a pinata.

Wow. And I just wondered how big the van was. Well, I was just a little kid then, but when I got to Mexico, I ate all the tacos. Right. Fat coming back. Right, right, right, right. Zeb, I love it. You have a girlfriend? Wife?

No. Hey, was that a red band question? No. He fucking owned you. Yeah. You could tell it's not because it led to a massive applause break. So no, it wasn't.

You son of a bitch. I hope you fucking fall down the stairs. Only if you pick me up and break your back. Oh, shit. Zeb, I got a little joke book for you. Congratulations. Your first time ever doing stand-up comedy.

Palestine, Texas. Speaking of the middle of Texas, you guys want to do something fun right now, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. This young man, not a regular, but someone that we have been following very, very closely.

We love to get him up here. We love to see what he's working on. He's only been doing stand-up six months, and he is a fucking sensation. One of the great entertainers as Texas as it gets. Make some noise for our dear Uncle Laser, everyone.

The real fucking deal. Oh, my goodness. Here he is playing to the camera. It's unbelievable. This guy gets it. Show business has arrived. Ladies and gentlemen,

Texas's own Uncle Laser. Listen here. I've been called a lot of things in my life, but as I've laid on the internet, they're calling me the poster child for cocaine.

You see, my mama gets on the internet. She says, hey, darling, they're saying you're doing all these drugs. So I said, mama, I'm going to quit. So I'm giving up cocaine. But spring and summer is coming, so we'll see. You know what I'm saying?

Let me tell you why. As soon as you take that first drink of beer, you want to go in that bathroom with your best friends and sniff them fucking keys. Am I right? It just feels right. That's what we want to fucking do. But then, a couple hours later, it's six o'clock in the morning,

you're at a fucking stranger's house in his fucking garage, talking about God and politics with the dude that does Uber Eats. And then, there's some soft, chubby six and staring at you all night. And you're fixing to lay her down

on that stranger's beanbag chair and give her the old dickens. The only problem is you can't get your dick hard because that cocaine has fucked you up. And you tell her, listen, darling, I swear to God, this never happens. But it does all the time. Every single fucking time it happens.

Goddamn. Eat your fucking heart out. An unstoppable force. An absolute Texas juggernaut. He's like this all the time. Calm down. It's early. It's early.

During lunch, he's like this. During coffee, he's like this. During nighttime, he's like this. When I snore, I'm like this. Mimmer! Ha ha ha ha. The old fucking Texas lawnmower has arrived.

Uncle Laser. How are you, Tony? Listen here, Tony. It's Bobby's birthday. We all said we dressed up. And he wore that goofy ass fucking sweater. Take that fucking hoodie off, boy. Let me see that suit and tie. What are we really working with here? What are we really working with here?

It's funny you called it goofy because it's actually Gucci, you faggot. You classless... You classless hillbilly wonder. You don't want to see this tie, dude? I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't want to see you tie up a guy in your fucking

sexilary, you fucking... You're out there banging bitches that look like cautions. Shut the fuck up. But listen here, Tony. I think I owe you a little bit of some money here. I do owe you a little bit of some money. How about that Super Bowl last night, huh? How about that Super Bowl?

I want y'all to know I had $14,000 on the Eagles. I had to buy Eagle Fly. And I felt good at halftime, I really did. I knew you would. That's exactly what I told all my friends is that you're going to feel good at halftime.

You tell all your friends that? Yeah, yeah. I had the Eagles up by 14 at halftime. They were. But I think it was a little bit less, wasn't it? It was 10. It was 10 because I won $3200 on football. But Tony goes, hey, when it was 7-0 he goes, hey, I'll bet you a thousand.

Straight up. Straight up. It happened. It was. And then let me tell you what happened. Go ahead. I want you to know something. That holding call on the final drive when he held that boy by the hip. I have laid down with Dyke Coke Machines

and held them tighter at night time than he held Juju Smith Schuster and that fucked me to tears. But with that being said, I'm going to go ahead and pay your fucking thousand dollars. I'm a man. A Lannister always pays his debts. That's right. One

thousand dollars cash ten one hundred dollar bills. And it wouldn't mean much if it was coming from anybody else. But I love taking your fucking money out. Amazing. I love it. Look at this fucking, you know how many Mountain Dew bucks he had to save up

the fucking. You know how many cereal tops I had to cut out and send in to get that? Son of a bitch. I'm going to make sure you got the number. Yeah. Oh, there's cocaine on something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just saw

Yeah. No fun fact, you know you know, you know, you know if you scrape every single hundred dollar bill in the United States with a razor, you can make a kilo and a half of cocaine from all the resin on there. How do I know that? Well, I don't

but it's the fucking Internet. We can make it up, right? All you fucks will believe it. I love it. I didn't this turned into a Chevy Silverado commercial real quick. I don't know how it happened. Like a rock. Oh, like a rock. You are a firestorm.

I know. You are built for this. I know. It burns when I pee. I know. I'm a firestorm. I fucking know Tony. Unbelievable. And I mean all the fucking time. You are the real deal. You're like Kenny White Powers or something. Yep, yep, yep.

It is incredible. I am a fan. I am a friend. I believe in you. What are those boots you're rocking tonight? What are those? What do you see? These are special. These actually aren't my boots. I bought this from a best friend, Bobby Flocko. He plays in the nether hour. They're going to be playing

up here next. Y'all should stick around. Yep, debut today. They debuted Whiskey and Water. I'm going to put them on my Instagram later and they'll be famous after that because not only is a kill Tony famous, the uncle laser Instagram is saying get to the boots here. You see

these are ostrich with the anteater. That's illegal in 37 countries around the fucking world. You can't find these at your local Walmart. That is a fact. Ty, you can keep

looking but you can't afford them. I tell you what, I tell you everybody on that panel can't afford these. You got to know a guy. I traded a horse donkey and your mother's sheep and they still wanted more. I don't know. I don't even know what you just said. That's fair. That's fair.

You trained a donkey and a sheep? What did you train them in? Into submission. You're so stupid. It's so stupid. I love it. What are you sipping on tonight, Uncle Laser? Well, uh... Red Bull

and what? Cocaine. Okay, I love it. Mom. Have you guys ever seen anything quite like an Uncle Laser? He's only six months into it. Now, wait a second. I invited you out to the Lucky Duck the other night and you stood me up like

a shitty prom date. I tell you what, dude. I had 17 women that were ready to just take a shot at the people's title and you are nowhere to be found. You are unbelievable. Really? Everything is a fucking promo. Just a star.

A true laser. You have laser focus. It's like the macho man Randy. It's like the macho man Randy salvage yard. I like that, Ty. I like that. Oh, my. Sorry, Laser. I really am.

I had African-American to out that night. We're doing way too much drinking and I apologize. I get it. He left me too. He went out to the store to get milk and never came back. I get it, son. I wasn't disappointed. I was just a little depressed.

You know what I'm saying? We are getting laser ladies and gentlemen. This is absolutely You're like Cole Beasley's inner child. I feel like you were like... Oh, that's my big brother. Is it really? That's my big brother. He didn't play a single snap in that last Bill's game. I tell you what,

they sat him right on the bench, but if they put him in in the fourth quarter, he'd be soaking it up somewhere where they sold me somewhere down yonder. You know what I'm talking about. I will join your cult right now. Yeah, you got it. You want to drink my Kool-Aid? You want to drink my Kool-Aid? Hell, yeah!

Hell, yeah! Oh, my God. You said Kool-Aid, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's Kool-Aid. Yeah, that's what I got. Yeah, you just got to snort it. Ty Rivera. Caution is looking at him like that's the kind of girl I like.

Exactly. Babel, baby! Babel! We got the same haircut almost. How they do? You think those are anteaters? She'll eat your aunt. You can't even make it up. I'm so fucking good.

You're a daisy if you do. How was Houston, Tony? How was Houston? That's my home city. Everything's unbelievable. I love it. Yeah? God, you're incredible. Y'all get him, Tony. He's doing this

while his hair is thinning in the back. I don't know if you... Why don't you take a bow for us, wouldn't you, guy? Why don't you take a little bow for us, huh? Not all of us make our hair cut our entire identity, so... Ah! What are you...

Keep rippin' your little Billy Goat jokes and trying to... I'm gonna have you on the secret show I'll fucking be there, Uncle Brian. I'll fucking be there. Uncle Laser, ladies and gentlemen, a fucking sensation. The one and the only.

How fun. Catch him on Instagram. Eat a dick, suck a butt. All right, there he goes, everybody. Couple of final words from the great Uncle Laser. Should we go to this bucket again, huh? All right, let's see what happens here. I'm gonna dig deep.

See if we can get something wild out of here. Marcus Bond. Marcus Bond. Seems like a new name. We're about to find out. They're coming. Here comes Marcus Bond, everybody. Make some noise for Marcus, everyone.

Come on. All right, yeah. I'm new here to Austin. I just moved here. Thank you, one clap. All right, fuck with it. And I need to get a haircut. And I need a black barber, all right? Because I can't go to a white barber, you know?

I went to a white barber one time. They fucked my hair up so bad. I walked outside and I got a job. Worst haircut I ever had. Well, that's not why I'm getting the haircuts. To be employable. I'm looking for one here in Austin. And it turns out the best black barber in Austin

is in Houston. So... Can't wait to take off work. Don't do that. I got a buddy of mine. He's been getting into astrology lately. And he's been real annoying with the way he's trying to get me into it. Like, last Tuesday, he hit me up.

He said, hey, babe, let's go to the club. I said, but it's Tuesday. Then he said, oh, I know. It's just Mercury's got the holes out tonight. Mercury, huh? I said, I don't think that's how that works. But I went, you know? And let me tell you, the holes were in the bundles that night, boy.

It was a good night. Now I have a telescope at home just so I can track Mercury. My friend's like, yo, we going out tonight? I'm like, uh... It seems so. Let's get it, boys. Let's go. Wow.

What a performance. We called the bear off there. That was incredible. Full minute, 17 seconds of great, great stuff. Marcus, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? It is, yeah. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up? Six years now.

Wow, where at? I started in Milwaukee, and then I did the next few years in New Orleans. Did a little stint in Chicago before the lockdown. And now I'm here trying to live a dream. You moved here? Yeah, I love it. New Orleans is

somehow almost a non-existent scene. Milwaukee's tough. Chicago's a little... Not its finest. How long have you lived in Austin now? I've been here for a month. What have you noticed so far about Texas or Austin?

What's standing out to you is something that you like about your new home? A lot of Mexicans. I love them. I like it. Hell yeah. There goes Mexican Marge Simpson right there.

That's incredible. I've never seen anything like it. Incredible. What is it that you love so much about Mexicans? Mexicans are the food. Also, they're a lot nicer than you would expect. Right. When you don't know Spanish, you know what I mean?

I've been just very nice and like, hey, I don't know Spanish. It's fine, don't worry about it. Let me try to help you. I'm like, oh, so I want to learn Spanish now because they seem to be very cool. Hell yeah. Okay. I love it. That's a proper...

That's a good answer. Marcus, what do you do for work? I'll be working at Cosmic Coffee. I love that place. They're opening up a new location. I'll be a line cook out there. A what?

Line cook. I'll be a line cook for a second. Absolutely wild that you would get the position of Lion Cub at a coffee shop. Yeah, right. Like a black reboot for Lion King, you know, and make sure it's out. Absolutely. We have a sound effect for that.

Not during this month, guys. Come on. Oh, come on. Tis the season. This is what you wanted. You wanted your own month. You got it. It's my favorite two weeks of the year. I really love it. What's that mean?

Never failed. It never failed. When it comes to the Lion King, Red Band is the Burger King. You know what I'm saying? All right. So, Marcus, let's talk about it. What do you like to do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? What else about it? You have any hobbies

or anything that you like? Yeah, I like hooping. Hey, bro, let's figure it out. I think that was a challenge. It's always a challenge. If any black dude is like, I'll hoop, I'm like, yeah, all right, let's see. We gon' see if you really hoop.

I like that. I play video games. That'll then ring and shit. Wow, look at you out there doing it. The drinking, you know. Oh, drinking. What are you sipping on? I'm going to wear a white claw because I'm gluten-free. Oh, wow. I am, yeah.

You are too? No, no. He said white claw, not black claw. That's Jesus. You're pussy. What, D-Madness? You watch your mouth. Okay, all right.

D-Madness is mad about something. I'm not sure. Go ahead, keep going. Thank you. Okay, thank you. Marcus, what's your love life like? You got a girl right now, someone to settle down with? Have you been with a Texas girl since you've been here? I have not.

Oh, shit. No Texas girls. Have you been on any dates or been close to? No, just been head down, doing comedy, watching shows, you know. Talking to Mexicans, learning Spanish. Yeah, yeah. Is that something that you're interested in? Are you have your eyes peeled or you're looking for something?

Just keep being me, working hard? Jesus, Louise. Yeah, I'll see y'all when I'm 40, you know? Good. Taking the Hans Kim path, I see you. And I'm not fucking dudes yet, boy. Not yet. Not yet. Hans. Not yet, but you keep your head down too long.

You'd be surprised what you find. He's like, not yet, I'm an awesome boy. Why make that move to L.A. in six months, nigga? I love it. Marcus, very, very, very likable, fucking perfect minute, perfect execution. Actually, Tony, I would love to have you on The Secret Show. You just got booked on Thursday.

Marcus Bond. Three people booked here tonight for The Secret Show. We're doing it. We're flying through this fucking farm system of comedians in Austin. We love that people like you are moving here one month as a Texan.

One more time for Marcus Bond, everybody. Thank you. This is where it happens. This is where the future is coming from. Should we do one last bucket pull, you think, huh? I love this. This young lady, her third time ever on this show, this is going to be the last two times.

She got booked on a road gig her first time. She got booked on The Secret Show. She just opened up for me this weekend in Houston, here for her third minute ever in Kill Tony History. This is Jamisha Albo, everybody. Another one of the bright stars

of the future. Incredible. I know you've been making noise all night, but do it one more time for the great Jamisha Albo, everybody. Jamisha Albo, everybody. Give it up for me, guys. I'm already down a quarter of a pound.

Down a quarter of a pound. Didn't even go to the gym. Just took a really big shit. Love taking big shits. For me right now, taking a shit is the difference between being able to see my pussy and not

being able to see my pussy. Do you understand? And I want to fix that, right? I want to fix that, but I also want to be ass and titties. I want to be ass, I want to be titties. I also want to be able to see my pussy and I just can't type all of those goals

into my fitness pal that I'm trying to make. All right, I'm done with that, bye. Jamisha Albo with 58 seconds. Hell, yeah. That was the shit. Hi. Hi, Jamisha. How's it going? Welcome back.

Again, third appearance in a couple months. You've been taking over the world by storm. You're doing it. Everybody loves you. What's going on? How did you feel this weekend in Houston doing sold out shows? It was amazing. It was absolutely phenomenal.

Thank you for the opportunity. It was really cool. The largest crowd I have ever performed in front of so really good experience. Hell, yeah. That's what it's all about. Timing and beats and everything are different

in a big packed room. Yeah, for sure. It's good to get those reps in. Yeah, there was definitely some things that I've never really found funny about my jokes that got laughs that I want to dive deeper into. Like what? Like what? Just like certain parts that I think are cute

like so. Like when I make my when I make my cracker jokes there's a part where I say it's like a little poetic rhyme. It's like I know for a fact that white cracks and sometimes

that can fly a little bit under the radar but when there's a lot of people it it went pretty well so I was happy about that. Yeah, they were packed crowds. What else is going on? What's going on in the rest of your life? Rest of my life. So I am in the process of writing a book with one of my friends.

Oh, wow. Is it a cookbook? So... But... What? Oh, you guys shut the fuck up. It's alright when it's David Lucas because it's a likeable girl. I can't do it.

Uh, it is. It is a cookbook? Well, she's gonna have after we write this one she's gonna help me write a cookbook because I do want to do a cook... You know how when you're reading through recipes and there's these like long ass dissertations that mean nothing to nobody?

I'm hoping to like make that a little bit funny and then have a recipe. That's the vision. Not happening right now. But the woman I'm writing the book with she is a pastry chef and she's worked with Ramsey and Bourdain and people like that so she wants to write about her

experiences in the industry. Incredible. That's so cool. Yeah. Other than that I am helping my friend co-produce a small comedy festival here in Austin this year so that's gonna be exciting. I love it. I don't think I've asked you

what's your love life like? What's your dream guy look like? I am single. I haven't dated since I've been here. That might change this year. Who knows? We'll see. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. Alright.

What type of guy are you into? Uh... Um... Because it seems like I get the vibe from you that it could go any direction. Yeah. So... So yeah. I'm not picky. Like I'm not picky with men.

I like somebody who has a little bit of common sense. Someone who is kind. Help me with my bumble profile. What else should I add? What are my skills? What? Has a job. Has a job

is employed. Don't listen. Preferably not a comedian. Right. Is the whole entire goal. Right. Yeah. Shit. I love it. There goes my chance. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Jamisha. What the fuck was that? Was that your keyboard? Was that D's? It was. I love it. Jamisha, what's something that we don't know about you from your entire life

that might surprise us? Like an interesting fun fact about Jamisha Albo? Um... When I was... When I was in high school, I got ACF certified

as a junior culinary. Oh, okay. Yeah. So that was pretty cool for like a 17-year-old and kind of carried into the rest of my career. I don't know. That makes sense. But I mean you getting into culinary

creation is like Uncle Lee's are getting into cocaine production. I imagine you guys are getting high on your own supply quite a bit. Home Mech all day. How's your ass doing? My ass? I did. Tony's been

having injections and so while we were in the green room at the Houston Improv, he was checking out his ass in the mirror. That is true. I found out that I have an ass now. It's a new thing. I'm 38 and I have an ass for the first time in my life. He doesn't have the ass.

Oh, how dare you? Let me tell you something. At least when I look down, you're talking over a professionally written joke. But okay. Jesus Christ. I love sometimes people make eye contact and literally try to go over me. But here's what I'm going to say.

Is that I do have an ass and when I look down, at least I can see my pussy. There you go. See how friendly I got there. You can put the fartboard away. Thank you. It would have been a lot better 20 seconds ago when it was loaded up and perfectly ready for comedic timing.

Jamisha, I like your style. You're killing it. You're so likeable. You're so funny. It's amazing. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Secret Show book. Another one. Jamisha Albow, ladies and gentlemen for her third time ever on this show. There's only one way to end a show

like this, ladies and gentlemen. Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? Then I present to you the regular that has done more new minutes than anybody ever in the show's history. This weekend in Houston as well as two weeks ago in Denver, this guy

is the first person to take the stage at my shows and he does so to a standing ovation and he leaves on a standing ovation. Everywhere he goes, he absolutely destroys. He's selling out everywhere. He's making $60,000 a month

on cameo. Ladies and gentlemen, the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Bangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, William, Lights Out, Montgomery. Oh my God.

Apparently, three rappers were found dead in the basement of a Michigan apartment building. Okay, that's it. I'm not letting my son become a rapper. Holy shit. Nothing gets my wiener prematurely ejaculating like gentrifying

head start centers. A 319 million year old brain was discovered in England. I had no idea Biden had been traveling in the UK. And Tony, I actually went to a Chinese restaurant and got a couple fortune cookies so I

thought I would just maybe open up a couple of them and see just what was on the fortune cookies. Let's see. Red Band's so old he only listens to porn on AM radio. Okay, here's another one. Let's see with this.

Okay. Red Band's so lame he only eats gluten free fortune cookies. Holy shit. Okay, that's it. Wow, a minute and a half graced upon us

by the big red fellow himself. Memphis's zone, William Montgomery. The big red fellow. Tony, I don't know if you saw it. I was actually also on a Super Bowl commercial last night. I don't know why anybody's talking about it. I was on the Pringles commercial last night. You were? What'd you do?

I said, once you pop, you don't stop. Seriously, I was like the lead role in it. It was giant. Yeah, I was on the Pringles commercial. Like I woke up everybody's talking about David on that fucking planners thing. His ass wasn't even fucking on it. And I'm the one saying the line once you pop

you don't stop for the fucking Pringles commercial and everybody's fucking talking about it. It's the biggest thing that's literally ever fucking happened to me. And it's like nobody even mentions it. They all talk about fucking David and he didn't even say shit in his fucking commercial. We had no idea. That is incredible.

How much did you get paid to do the Pringles commercial? Four million. Wow, four million dollars. That is... Once you pop, you don't stop. That's how you said it? Yep. Absolutely incredible. Once you pop, you don't stop. That's so interesting

that they would have you say it like that. It's sort of... Sounds like... Once you pop, you don't stop. That is incredible. Did they tell you to do it like that? Yeah, it was really weird. The guy got me into his

office and he was like, you need to talk like a black person for this. I was like, are you sure I'm not black? It seems weird. It's a Pringles commercial and fucking the Super Bowl. And he just kept on insisting. And yeah, so I did it. Once you pop, you don't stop. Wow.

That is incredible. But seriously, once you pop, one fucking Pringles... Demand... Demand says that they don't talk like that. You are in big trouble. What? Blind? Blind people? No. No.

The fuck are you talking about? I was on a fucking Pringles commercial. You piece of shit. Nobody fucking help him get off the stage tonight. Oh, my God. Good luck finding the stairs. I was on a fucking Super Bowl commercial.

Demand says he never saw your commercial. Yeah, no shit. God, where the fuck am I right now? Oh, God. Am I in the fucking Twilight Zone? Literally was the biggest opportunity of my life. Oh, shit. Thank you, and I was kidding.

I've been kidding. We're both kidding. Okay. Good. Okay. William Montgomery, you've done this before. You kind of pick fights with D-Madness a lot. It's very interesting.

No one is safe from William's massive... I don't know what has been going on. It's been, like, what, a year, year and a half of working together, and it's been the past two months or something. There's been an issue. There's been an issue. We have seen reports in the Kill Tony HR office

that William and D-Madness have not been getting along. This is word... Yeah, I'll be honest, Tony. I'll leave my apartment tonight. Hold on. Excuse me. What? Oh, D-Madness has... You know, it's a very interesting story you just told just now. I had to speak my mind.

Why? Oh, shit. Once you bob, you don't... Oh. I don't know why they kept on telling me to say it like that. I was like, I don't... D-Madness is... Wild.

Thank you, screwball. What does that fucking mean, Red Band? Are you insinuating he's fucking drinking tonight? You know he doesn't fucking drink. You dumbass. Why would you even... Seriously, what did that mean? My mistake. Okie dokie.

I love it. William, what else is going on in your world? Claw machines. Oh, this is a new thing. Claw machines. Incredible. Yeah, yeah, I've been putting in so much money in these claw machines, but I'm getting a bunch of stuff. I have a bunch of Bugs Bunny stuff.

I have a bunch of... After I got my Taz tattoo, I started collecting a bunch of Taz stuff. I have a bunch of Taz's. I have some Pete's Dragon stuff. I found this really cool Pete's Dragon. You don't even see that around a lot. You've been doing a lot of claw machines.

Do you have a method that you use to get the things out of the machine? Is there a certain type of... Is it timing? I stay in there for probably four or five hours and people just see how the machine kind of works. They all kind of have a mind of their own. So you're watching people at an arcade

play a claw machine and then you go in and clean up? Yeah, it's at the Cracker Barrel. It's not at the... Yeah, I cannot stop eating there. I've started eating at the Cracker Barrel again. What are some of your favorite things about the Cracker Barrel? Gosh, just it's always

filled with fucking old people and those are the only kind of types of people I don't fantasize about killing. I swear to God, I've gotten much better at it, but yeah, when I see a bunch of old people in the fucking Cracker Barrel, I can just really kind of

enjoy what I'm eating. I can enjoy the ambiance. What else do you love about Cracker Barrel? Tell us more about what you love about Cracker Barrel. Is there a certain type of people other than old that resides there that you... Yeah, well, weirdly enough,

there's a bunch of fucking blind people that show up at the Cracker Barrel. Wait a second. I don't... I'm not buying this for a second. Are you sure they're blind? No, I'm just enraged right now. I cannot believe...

I'm just trying to keep my composure right now. I swear to God, I was scared to even come here tonight, Tony. I didn't even want to leave my fucking place because I knew I would end up interacting with D-Manus. D-Manus, I thought we were friends. What even happened tonight? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. That's all we're hanging out with family.

Don't worry about it. Oh, my goodness. You really know how to pick your battles, William. Once you pop, you don't stop. Oh, my goodness. But seriously, I couldn't believe in it. Nobody was talking about it this morning,

and it just made me feel... It made me feel real salty, so I went to the Cracker Barrel. I got... a couple of Bugs Bunny's. What do you order when you go to Cracker Barrel? Grandma's Pancake Breakfast. Tony... Yeah, I mean, you're working with some sausage.

You're working with some fucking eggs. You can make the Sausage Egg Biscuits, and then you get blueberry fucking pancakes, Tony. Unbelievable. Holy shit, man! I love the blueberry pancakes! I can't even stop eating the blueberry pancakes! It's very big!

Brian Moses. Who is this black guy you're impersonating? I started listening to a bunch of jaw rule. Honestly, I've been listening to a bunch of jaw rule. I started doing that at the Pringles set, and he was like, stop doing that. I'm like, where are you?

Yeah, I just... Oh, my God. Incredible. I met him at the airport two weeks ago in the Nashville airport. Yeah. What did you say to him? What did he say to you? I said, Ja, you are a giant inspiration for me. I'm actually in the middle of

filming a Super Bowl commercial. And he's like, oh, that's cool. He's like, what are you doing? I'm saying, once you pop, you don't stop. But they told me to talk in like a black person voice. And I was like, I've been listening to a bunch of your mixtapes and stuff. You've... You're my inspiration.

And I got to say it like that, but then he was like, okay, get the fuck away from me. Honestly, I didn't get a picture. But when he said it, what did it sound like when Ja Rule said that to you? Man, you got to stop! Man, you got to stop! That was very DMX-y.

No doubt about it. We're pretty sure you're getting your black rappers confused. It could have been that. Did he have to bark like a dog at some point at this point? Yeah. Oh, he did. Well, DMX is dead, so that's weird. Oh, right. Alright, William. Well, you're an absolute icon.

Nice to see you. We love you. No one closes the show like you. Get him on cameo while you still can. William lights out Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan Jebeld is in of Brian Moses and Ty Rivera. Ladies and gentlemen,

and it is fucking unbelievable. Look at that right up there. Ryan Jebeld out in Los Angeles draws every episode as it happens. That is tonight. How about one more time for my guest, Rose Spaddle creator, Brian Moses.

Ty Rivera has a very, very, very fun YouTube See him live. See Moses live. Go to their website. Support these fucking guys. I've been working with them forever. They put on unbelievable shows. The new Rose Spaddle League is happening.

Follow at Rose Spaddle. All one word on social media. How about one more time for the best band in the land, the Strewball Peanut Butter Whiskey Band. Motherfucking James Atkins. John Dees and Matt Mueling are all in a band together called Sketch.

Follow, is it at Sketch Band? Sketch.band Sketch.band on Instagram? Sketch.band. I swear to God, these guys are coming for the fucking throne. I go out and see them every chance I get. They're fucking un-fucking-believable. Follow them everywhere.

Great music all the time. How about one more time for the great D-Madness here on the bass guitar. One more time for Bal Demer on the horns. Thank you, Red Rose. Yellow Rose. Strewball Peanut Butter Whiskey.

Thank you, Austin Texas. We love you guys. Love you guys. Good night everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.