KILL TONY - #599 - ROSEANNE

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com. He's the house artist.

Starting point is 00:00:32 He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything golden pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company Alive from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it up for TonyHinchCliff.

Starting point is 00:01:15 Are you ready for the best goddamn motherfucking night of your lives, huh? Hey, everybody. He started podcasts. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie, Austin Security Guard Service, Gel Blaster, and screwball peanut butter whiskey. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Huh?

Starting point is 00:01:42 Are we doing this shit tonight or what? That's James Atkins on the drums. John Dees on the keys. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Paul Deemer on the horns. And that's motherfucking D-Madness on the bass guitar right there. Live in the flesh. This shit is going down.

Starting point is 00:02:02 Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. Special announcement, and we wanted you guys to hear it first so that you have a chance to buy tickets, but tickets for the next six months of Kill Tony shows go on sale this Tuesday at noon at comedymothership.com. So Tuesday noon, central standard time, you actually have a chance to get your shot at tickets.

Starting point is 00:02:31 They are going to go extremely fast, but we wanted to give you guys a chance, so get on it. Tuesday noon, six months of Kill Tony at the Comedy Mothership. Good luck. Hey, y'all. Out here in Austin, Texas, business is a booming. And all around the country, several industries are heading for a hiring boom this spring, including e-commerce, healthcare, and surprisingly, hospitality.

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Starting point is 00:08:24 Let's go. YoKratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, some weeks are just straight up fucking better than others, everybody. This show is magical. We started at the comedy store almost 10 years ago. We were doing this, but when nobody knew what a fucking podcast was, when no one was doing anything in front of an audience, and we made it about comedy, comedians watching comedians

Starting point is 00:08:57 do comedy, which makes tonight that much more exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you as our guest tonight, one of the greatest comedians of all time, Texas's own, Roseanne Barr. Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Yes. Woo.

Starting point is 00:09:25 We did it. The queen. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, this shit is about to fucking go down. Roseanne, red band, and us. And SIGS. She's got cigarettes, ladies and gentlemen. We're having fun here tonight.

Starting point is 00:09:57 We are going to watch fucking comedy. Roseanne, I've wanted you on this show for almost 10 years. How you doing? Good to be here. Oh, it's so fun. I can't believe how fun it is. Really? I swear.

Starting point is 00:10:12 It's so fun. Everyone is, like we were up in the green room, you know, and like everyone, out of breath, six steps is hard for an old woman, but while everyone who came through that door, well, they were weirder looking than the one before them. And I was just so happy to see weird looking folk, you know, because like when you live in California, you see a lot of Stepford-like people everywhere, you know, you never see any real people. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:10:55 Bunch of fakes and phonies out there in LA, here in Texas, everything's real. A lot of people that they can't make any emotion on their face because of the Botox and whatnot, you know, that kind of thing, but it's so great to see people with lines on their face. I am so happy to see it. Thank you. Hell, yes. Roseanne, luckily I have a bucket filled with fucking weird looking people with lines on their faces.

Starting point is 00:11:23 We're going to create more lines on their faces here tonight. You guys know how it works. If I pull a name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is very loud and it scares them and it stops them from talking, Roseanne. It is unbelievable. And then after that, I interview them.

Starting point is 00:11:45 We find out more about them. They get fucking feedback from the great Roseanne. Oh boy. Well, you know, I just have to say this like I told you, you know, I know like I'm, you know, I don't punch down. That's one thing I think comedy that punched down sucks ass. So I am not going to do it. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:12:05 You know what I mean? Okay, so I'm really famous and rich and talented and gorgeous. So I am not going to go criticize somebody who's just starting out. So I think the better thing for me is to be the motherly voice of encouragement and honesty, like, you know, like a mom to the person. You know, to see what I'm saying. That's how I've chosen because you know why people? I swear to God, I think there is a war between good and evil.

Starting point is 00:12:38 I do. Does anyone agree with me? So I try to stay on the good side. I love it. I love it. We'll play a little good cop, bad cop here tonight. Let's get this show started with one of our regulars. Instead of going to this bucket and meeting somebody, let's watch a new minute from a guy

Starting point is 00:13:00 whose life we changed almost two years ago. You watch this guy go from living in his van, being broke as hell. Now he's selling out all around the fucking world, doing arenas, wearing Rolex's, new outfits from Amazon every week. Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know it. This is Hans Kibb. This is Hans Kibb. This is Hans Kibb.

Starting point is 00:13:29 Hey, what's up? This could be here in Texas with all the survivors of the winter storm. A lot of weak limbs fell off this winter. Move back to California. You gotta be tough to survive in Texas. The ice doesn't get you, ice will. I don't need electricity. All I need is my freedom to bear arms.

Starting point is 00:14:03 When I get cold, I'll just shoot my nine millimeters five times in the air, warm myself around the barrel. But yeah, doing good. I recently saw a group of blind people walking around. I was like, what's the point of that? One electric bus and your whole community is gone. Thank you. Hell yeah, Hans Kibb. I loved it.

Starting point is 00:14:40 I loved the first 50 seconds of that. What was that at the end there? You saw a group of black people? What did you say? Yeah. I was looking back at D, John, and fucking James Adkins, and we all had the same look of confusion on our face. Can you help us to understand what that last joke was? I said a group of blind people.

Starting point is 00:15:02 A group of blind people. How many of you by round of applause heard blind people? Okay. How many of you by round of applause heard black people? Yeah, it's like a weird sound thing in this room. I'm sorry. The black people thought you said black people, by the way, which counts for a lot. That's all that really matters.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Yeah, exactly. What the fuck? D-man has got double roasted on that somehow. It's like a mother fucking twice baked potato back here. No matter which way you hurt it. Hans is like all these black blind people with dreadlocks and bass guitars walking around. It's like, wait, what? I love it.

Starting point is 00:15:49 So welcome back, Hans. That's another good minute from you. Rock solid. How's life going? It's amazing, Tony. Thank you again. I have been doing great. Been headlining Philadelphia Buffalo.

Starting point is 00:16:05 Been having sex. Whoa. Let's talk about the shows. We talk about the sex enough to explain to people what it's like going from literally trying to do the open mic at these clubs around the country to absolutely having your own night and filling it up. It's like, before I was like, come on, everyone listen to me. And now everyone's listening to me.

Starting point is 00:16:27 I'm like, oh shit. Black people are walking around. Yeah, blind people are wild. I love it. Anything crazy happening in Philly or Boston or anything? Well, you know, I was on stage and a 52 year old nurse decided to jump on stage and kiss me. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:16:53 Wow. So that's a thing that happens. But yeah, other than that, it went pretty good. Got a couple clips. Put it on my TikTok. Okay. Roseanne Barr, this is your first time seeing Hans Kim, I do believe. What are your thoughts?

Starting point is 00:17:12 Is it the first time I've seen you? No, it's not. No, it isn't. Oh, that's right. You brought her up here. Yeah, I was the one that introduced Roseanne. It was an honor. It was an amazing feeling to introduce someone and get applause for saying their name.

Starting point is 00:17:30 Yeah, it's good to see you, Roseanne. So good to see you. You're so funny. Thank you. You're so funny. Your stuff is so well written too. God, it's so great to see a good, you know, a comic who writes good material. Congratulations.

Starting point is 00:17:50 Thank you, Roseanne. Boom. Keep going. What a way to get the show started. Another new minute by Hans Kim. Let's keep it moving. There goes Hans Kim, everybody. We're in it.

Starting point is 00:18:01 Quick little interview for Hans. We see him every week. It's time to go to this bucket and get some fresh blood out of here. This is where shit gets wild. We had a puppet on two weeks ago. I mean, you can't even make this shit up. It's crazy. Anything can happen.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Rama. Rama, everybody. Make some noise for Rama. This is Rama. This is Rama. This is Rama. This is Rama. Here we go, the Kill Tony debut of Rama, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:18:40 Hello. Good night, everybody. All right. Just got here to Austin. These dating amps out here are pretty crazy. Funny enough, they have a lot in common with my new diet. Basically, I'm just trying to avoid trans fats. All right.

Starting point is 00:19:11 So because you guys asked, let me tell you about myself. Everything I own is black. My room is painted all black. All my clothes are black. I got two black cats. And, you know, sometimes it makes things difficult. You know, you try to wipe the comb off. You pick up a shirt or a towel and then you just like...

Starting point is 00:19:32 And then you hear... I thought it was closer to a minute. That was, you know, they're going to have the sound effect. I'm trying to do a meta joke right there. Oh. Rama, everybody. Thank you. I love it.

Starting point is 00:19:48 What an interesting name. Rama. Am I saying that correctly? Rama, yeah. Yeah. Rama. What is that? I guess it's from the Old Testament.

Starting point is 00:19:56 It means the word of God. Oh, wow. Pretty serious. You would think the word of God would have more punch lines in a 60-second set. You would think so. You would think so. I guess God isn't quite as funny as we all hoped for.

Starting point is 00:20:09 Rama. He's trying his best. How long have you been doing stand-up? I started kind of during COVID. Okay. Yeah, things got weird. I can tell by your timing you're used to empty rooms of sick people. It's very good.

Starting point is 00:20:22 I can tell the COVID starters when they get in here. Definitely. I love it. So Rama, let's talk about it. Where did you start stand-up comedy at? I started in Denver. I was there for a little bit. Did it a lot in Ohio, Dayton, that kind of area, but everybody's kind of weird around

Starting point is 00:20:37 there. So. Roseanne also started stand-up comedy in Denver. The only difference is she has talent. Anyway. So Rama, let's talk about it. Very good. Shut the fuck up.

Starting point is 00:20:54 What do you do for a living, Rama? I am a DJ. Wow. He's a producer. Oh my goodness. Right? When you couldn't be any more unlikable. There we find out that you're a DJ.

Starting point is 00:21:04 What's your wacky DJ name? Because I don't think Rama is going to cut it. That's what I've been going by. You go by Rama? Okay. Not DJ Rama? No. It's kind of wack.

Starting point is 00:21:17 Just Rama? Yeah, yeah. I'm guessing All Bar Mitzvahs or... Rama? Who hires a Rama for their... Not many people, honestly. Okay. It's kind of weird.

Starting point is 00:21:31 How do you make a living doing it if not a lot of people do that? I also sue a lot of people. Okie dokie. We have to... And then we'll be right back after these messages. What do you sue people for? I can't disclose that. Okay.

Starting point is 00:21:46 I mean, I would if I could. I signed agreements and all this. Okay. You sue a lot of different people for different things? Just f***ed at airlines most... Oh, okay. Alright. But you can't talk about it.

Starting point is 00:21:59 Can't talk about it. It's still... The case is still pending. Oh, it's closed. Oh, shit. It's a closed case. But you signed an NDA, you can't talk about it. Correct, yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:09 They settled for $700,000. About... $694,000 less than that. Yeah. It's a gift. It's a f***ing gift. We don't play prices right rules either. I was off by $6,000.

Starting point is 00:22:31 I love it. So what happened? What'd they do? They broke the whole Internet. Talk about it. Base... Oh, man. I'm gonna get in trouble.

Starting point is 00:22:39 You're okay. Just don't f***ing sue us afterwards. They broke my DJ gear, right? Well, they lost it and then broke it. And then I was like... No airlines cover anything with their policies. Basically like, f*** you. Unless you're disabled.

Starting point is 00:22:55 So I wore an eye patch. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's a horrible idea for you to talk about this right now. Look, thank you, Redman. I did it for the last. D-Man, this is f***ing pissed right now, all right? You got a fake eye patch on this f***ing guy. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:23:15 I had a contact too that made it all blurry and stuff like that. Just underneath in case... Roseanne left, that's fine. Roseanne's finally laughing at you. It is so f***ing hilarious. I love it. Thank you, Roseanne. My friend of mine sued...

Starting point is 00:23:34 She made a living suing corporations too because you really can do it. Everyone should look into it. And she was a trans, you know? And so, well, they said they didn't... She was a masseuse also. Yeah. Except for she had a penis and all.

Starting point is 00:23:54 So they'd ask if they had a penis and stuff. So then she sued. Steve, what the f*** is going on, dude? What's a f***ing live podcast going on? Who the f*** has to pee eight minutes into the show, by the way? So... What the f***? I didn't know there was a side effect of blindness.

Starting point is 00:24:10 So then she sued because they said they didn't want a woman with a penis to do their massage. So that's discrimination, right? So she sued and she won, like, you know, upward of, you know, big time six figures. So I think it's great when people sue big corporations for whatever they can get because they're choking us f***ing dry

Starting point is 00:24:36 and they're trying to kill us with their f***ing shots and whatever else they're trying to cram down on. Yeah! Sude those f***ers! Sude those f***ers! They're broke! Oh, my goodness. Tony, can I say something?

Starting point is 00:24:52 No. Okay. What do you want to say? Funny enough, I found out about the show about a week ago, honestly. Okay. I'd probably watch maybe four... This is great.

Starting point is 00:25:02 I'm glad I gave you the chance to say something. I'd probably watch... hold on, hold on. I found out about you three and a half minutes ago. Who gives a f***? What are we talking about, Rama? I've watched maybe 40 episodes or so since then. Okay. I think it's the best thing that's ever happened to Santa.

Starting point is 00:25:13 Thank you so much, Rama. Thank you. Thank you. Here's a little joke book. There you go. See, he's funny. He just has to get material. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:23 Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. I'm saying, you are real funny. You just have shit material. There you go. Go back to the drawing board. Boom. And like that, the show continues with the great Roseanne Barr,

Starting point is 00:25:38 motherfuckers. Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Caitlyn Kosis. Caitlyn Kosis. La-da. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Who's having fun tonight, huh? Here she is, everybody.

Starting point is 00:25:57 Caitlyn Kosis. Thank you. Thank you. Hi, everybody. I'm trying to get off of Instagram right now. That's my goal for 2023. It's an app that gives me really low self-esteem because I compare myself to Instagram models and I'm just like, oh,

Starting point is 00:26:17 I don't have what men want. I'm not small and cute and underage. Like, I'm never going to be good enough for Chris Delia. You know what I mean? It's not in the cards. I feel like guys who do try and pick up women on Instagram are the kind of guys that would just agree with everything they post. Like one time I posted a story of me watching America's

Starting point is 00:26:46 next top model and this guy replied and he was like, I love that show. And I was like, really? You love America's next top model? Name three eating disorders. Let's hear it. All right, cool. There you go, Caitlyn Kosis.

Starting point is 00:27:06 This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes. How's it going? How long have you been to stand up? I started about a year and a half ago. Where at? New Jersey. New Jersey.

Starting point is 00:27:16 Do you live here now? I'm visiting right now for the week. I have a friend who lives in Austin. Okay. But I might come back for the summer. Right. I mainly perform. Have you enjoyed Austin's being here?

Starting point is 00:27:26 Today's my first day. Oh, wow. What a start. Yeah, it's been good. I got in at like 11 this morning. My flight was at 5 a.m. Haven't slept. I'm doing good.

Starting point is 00:27:36 Perfect. Thank you. Sponsored by Adderall, everybody. Here we are. Caitlyn, what do you do for a living? Right now, I have two part-time jobs. I work at a daycare. And I also work at a wedding studio.

Starting point is 00:27:49 And I do like administrative office stuff. Okay. What do you love about New Jersey? What do I love about New Jersey? I mean, it's a great commuter state. New Jersey is a great state to go to other states from. You can leave real easy. Wow.

Starting point is 00:28:08 Okay. I like the beach and the mountains. I don't know. Are you sure you live in New Jersey? What the fuck are you talking about? What do you love? I love stepping on syringes in my bare feet. Nothing better than the old Jersey beach.

Starting point is 00:28:26 Freezing, cold, everything, algae. Yeah, I mean, there's not much to love. I love it. Okay. So what else about you? What do you do for fun? What's something exciting about the life of Caitlyn Cosas? I do comedy, clearly.

Starting point is 00:28:40 I like to hang out with my friends. I like to play piano. How long have you been playing piano for? On and off since I was like 12. Interesting. Roseanne grabbed her microphone. Well, I want to ask you something. What do you like about comedy?

Starting point is 00:28:55 Oh, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that out. I mean, I like writing and I like being on stage and performing. And it's really good for me too to face some, I had some stage fright when I first started and it's really helped with that too. Just putting yourself out there. How would the stage fright affect you exactly?

Starting point is 00:29:15 I would just get really nervous before shows. I would get really jittery and I would like stumble on my words. How did that too? Yeah. How do you fight against that? How do you win? The more you do it, the easier it gets. And remembering that it's just part of the process.

Starting point is 00:29:34 You know, you can't get better if you don't try. I wish that you would tell us more about you. Okay. You know, that's what I felt that you are funny and you have a lot to say, but I think an important thing about comedy is we want to know who we're hearing it from. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:29:57 And I want to hear that from you and I think it will help you to go on there and then, you know, drop a little here, a little bit more personal and then drop another bombshell here because I know you have some bombshells. You want to drop in your capable of writing and I hear it.

Starting point is 00:30:16 You're a great writer. Thank you. Do you have? Let me ask this. I just want to say some more of us getting to know who you are that will help us to get it. Totally. No doubt.

Starting point is 00:30:29 100%. That's great advice. Let me ask you this. You're a year and a half in. Do you have a joke that is more about you that you just didn't do in this exact minute during your set here tonight? Well, there you go.

Starting point is 00:30:42 It appears as though Roseanne is correct. The pharmacist has prescribed something that you need. Like, what about your parents? I bet they were weird. Yeah. Exactly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I could tell you had weird parents.

Starting point is 00:30:55 Yeah, there's a lot I could say about that. I mean, that's something that I'm still working on, exposing and, like, writing about is more personal. Going to therapy a lot for it, are you? Yeah. Yeah. The funnier you can make it, the faster you'll heal from it. I'll tell you that much.

Starting point is 00:31:11 Yeah. I can see you've got a lot of that shit in there, girl. Let it out. Thank you. Absolutely. Look at that. Literally the greatest female stand-up comedian of all time giving advice to a year and a half in

Starting point is 00:31:26 female stand-up comedian. How fucking cool. Do you have any or an Audi belly button? Red Band. You cannot ask girls pulled out of a bucket a question like that. Actually, how long of a stand-up have you done, like a set? Oh, my goodness gracious.

Starting point is 00:31:41 Red Band, you're not fucking booking her on Thursday's show. You fucking idiot. Jesus Christ. The longest I've done is 20 minutes, though. Just putting that out there. There you go. What are you going to do? That's good.

Starting point is 00:31:56 How'd it go? It went good. Unbelievable. You are a disgusting pig. Do you know that? Red Band books a show every single day. That's one of the things you got to deal with, though. You know, so you just got to...

Starting point is 00:32:15 That's one of the fucking things you got to deal with, and it never ends. It never fucking ends either. Roseanne, what are you doing Thursday? What? What did you say? He has what you're doing Thursday. If you want to do a spot on the show.

Starting point is 00:32:31 That's so funny. You know, the only thing that's been on me, I found to my dismay when I went to the doctor, is my vaginal walls. Oh, my goodness. So I'm out of the game, you know? Out of the game. What did they say? What's wrong with that?

Starting point is 00:32:52 Well, they want me to go on the hormones, like all the other old bags of my age that are on the hormones, so they can, you know, have sex with a guy that I've been with for 40 fucking years and can't stand anyway, to plump up the fucking vaginal walls there for that disappointment.

Starting point is 00:33:09 You know, and then grow a fucking beard and all the other shit, you know, pubes down to your fucking knees. No thanks. No thanks. I'll just stick to my ID-channel murder shows. Goddamn right. You see what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:33:29 I'm right. I watch those all the time, and my vaginal walls are strong as hell right now. Well, I've had five children, five ungrateful little fucking bastards come through there, and so, you see, that takes a toll. Damn right. Roseanne, you are amazing.

Starting point is 00:33:46 Caitlyn Kosas, thank you for signing up for the show. Thank you. Fresh off your flight. Here's a little joke book. Caitlyn. Caitlyn. Caitlyn. Here's a little book. People from Jersey can't catch it. Hey, can I get a cocktail up in this motherfucker?

Starting point is 00:34:04 Hell yeah. We got someone working on that. We got a red wine, right? Cabernet? On the way. Let's do a little special treat right now, ladies and gentlemen. I know we have a lot of regulars, we have a lot of special guests.

Starting point is 00:34:20 Tonight is a big one for that. I want to see another minute from this guy. He came on the scene. He's only been doing stand-up for six months, but he's a fucking little sensation. He's absolutely hysterical. This is Austin's own Uncle Laser, everybody. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:34:38 Here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the real deal. Uncle Laser. Listen here. I'm all about everybody being confident in their self, but you need to be fucking honest with yourself, too. I've been hooking up with some plus-sized women

Starting point is 00:35:04 as of late, and I keep hearing this goddamn term slim-thic. Rihanna at the Super Bowl was slim-thic. No, she was fucking pregnant. Okay? You know what I'm saying? I hooked up with this girl the other night. She was out of breath after we were taking a shower together. She kept saying she was slim-thic.

Starting point is 00:35:24 I said, darlin', you need to slim fast. You're built like a hefty trash bag. What's someone call an ice cream truck? All right, listen here. I get it. Round is a shape, okay? But you won't be around much longer in that fucking shape, darlin'. But I do like those big girls

Starting point is 00:35:47 because I got them tight pussies. I keep a little flower in my back pocket to find a wet spot every now and again. Oh, my goodness. Nothing but swagger, ladies and gentlemen, at 1,000 miles an hour. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. That is, we just got to watch COVID get transmitted

Starting point is 00:36:11 to the great Roseanne Barr. Or Chlamydia, if you're not careful. Oh, my goodness. Uncle Lazer is wild. He will put your vaginal walls to the test, Roseanne. I promise. My goodness gracious. The kid is the real deal only, what,

Starting point is 00:36:27 six, seven months in the fucking game? I'm just gonna keep saying four. No, it's been like, since July, whatever, I don't do math. Okay. I do math. Did you go to school? Did you go to normal school?

Starting point is 00:36:41 We know you're from the middle of Texas. The fields, the oil fields. No, I was homeschooled growing up. Oh, my goodness. And I got expelled from having sex with my teacher. I love you, Mom. No, relax. Oh, my goodness.

Starting point is 00:36:57 You are out of control. Relax. You are out of control. I did call my mom earlier and I was like, y'all I'm sitting in the green room with Roseanne and she goes, shut the fuck up. Yeah. And that is what Uncle Lazer's mom sounds like, by the way.

Starting point is 00:37:12 That is an actual impression of Mama Lazer. She was at the stand-up show that we did on New Year's Eve. Yeah. And you picked her out of the crowd just by accident. I go, I didn't realize Uncle Lazer's mom was gonna be in the audience. I'm just doing a random ass crowd. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:28 Flying through the crowd. And it was actually a p-year mom. And I had no idea. What a woman. Like, did it look like what you would think? It literally looks like him. The apple does not fall far from that fucking cherry tree. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:37:44 Fucking shit. The star power. I mean, the belt buckle is on another level. I put that on for her tonight. I don't do this often now. Right. This is a relic, some would say. Explain the meaning or whatever it is.

Starting point is 00:37:55 I can't even fathom. Well, I just got it at a flea market, but it's special to my heart. You know what I'm saying? That's it. That's all it takes. Hey, can I tell you a story, though, Miss Roseanne? Yep. So growing up, my parents got domestic disputes quite often.

Starting point is 00:38:09 That's pretty obvious. You know what I'm saying? And when I was a boy, I used to just watch your television show while they were beating the fuck out of each other. You know what I'm saying? To help me go to sleep. But as I got older, you went from prime time that used to do your reruns on Nick at Night, right?

Starting point is 00:38:25 And I'm like 13 or 14 or something, and I'm like jerking off to taxicab confessions on the HBO, real sex HBO. And I'd have to put that previous channel button on, in case anybody got up and walked in. You don't know how many times I've ejaculated that goddamn harmonica thing on the intro to that fucking song. Special?

Starting point is 00:38:50 Every single time. You actually play... You have a harmonica? It's in a truck. Okay. That lick is actually really hard to play. I didn't want to come up here and embarrass myself on some... That's a hard lick.

Starting point is 00:39:03 That would have been funny, though. It'd have been funny, but... Hold on, hold on. Some of the women from your joke are trying to go to the restroom right now, Uncle Lazer, making a lot of fucking noise. Jesus Christ. Oh, don't make a big deal about it. Go take the hot dump you're about to take

Starting point is 00:39:17 and fucking hustle back. Jesus Christ. Way to not make a big deal about it. My goodness, gracious, these fucking people. They all have to piss and shit all the fucking time? Yeah, make sure to flush and spring. All right. Uncle Lazer, so we're finding out...

Starting point is 00:39:35 You were really homeschooled? No, motherfucker. Homeschooled? No. I went to school with... My graduating high school class was 43 people. Wow. So homeschooled.

Starting point is 00:39:47 Yeah. Wow. Yeah. How many? 43. And I was cellulidictorian. I got a perfect score on my SATs. I have a photographing memory.

Starting point is 00:39:56 Special needs? Gifted and talented, is what they're saying? Gifted and talented, red man. Incredible, Uncle Lazer. What else is another fun fact we'd be surprised to know about you? Something we haven't talked about yet on this show. You don't hear my weirdest sexual encounter? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:12 Ever. Yeah. Roseanne's calling it off. You don't want to hear it? All right. All right. So when I was 23, I was working in Ohio, like West Virginia area, right? Yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:27 Ohio, you're from Ohio, right? Yeah, but not that part. Okay, yeah, yeah. Not the West Virginia part of Ohio. Gross. Jesus fucking craze, Lazer. You really know how to pick them. Wheeling West Virginia, what a fucking place.

Starting point is 00:40:40 It's a slim, thick part of Ohio. Oh, God. But I met this 40-year-old woman at the bar. She went to take me home, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, no big deal. Whatever. And she goes, hey, but I'm married, but my husband is like quadriplegic. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:57 And I was like, okay. This ain't a joke. This is real life. This is no joke about it. He's in a wheelchair, right? But she's like, we stay together for the kid or whatever. So like, he lets me fuck other dudes. I'm like, is he going to watch?

Starting point is 00:41:14 Like, because I'll roll his ass into the closet. I'm not no cuck. I ain't never been a cuck in my whole life. Right. We get to her house, and he's at the kitchen table, and he's like, make sure to take your shoes off at the door. Is that all right? And so it started getting weird and she tells me, she's like, hey,

Starting point is 00:41:34 I need you to go in the refrigerator and need you to get this big carrot out of the bottom of the refrigerator. Oh my God. This big carrot, not no baby carrot that you buy in a bag. I'm talking to got the green part on it. You know what I'm saying? Like the hedge. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:47 And I walk out there and I go, oh, it's just going to get weird. I probably should go get a condom. So I put my boots on. I walked out to my truck. I got a condom and I came back in. I did not take them off at the front door. This will come in here in a little bit. I went back in the room and I took that carrot and she's like,

Starting point is 00:41:59 I want you to put that carrot up my asshole. I said, deal. Now, Tony, when I say I wallored this fucking carrot out, it was a smooth carrot when I was done with it. I mean, all the way to the green hedges were in there. You know what I'm saying? And I just flung it on the ground. Okay.

Starting point is 00:42:17 We went to sleep about seven, 30 or more and the fucking sun's peeking through the blinds. I can see a silhouette at the foot of the bed and I hear a crunching sound. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm not here. You didn't take your shoes off at the front door. And I sit up in the little kid.

Starting point is 00:42:36 Her five-year-old son is eating that carrot on that old man's lap. My God. I climbed out the window and left my boots. I haven't been back since. That's why I left Ohio. Wow. Look, guys, we're like carrot in your asshole and your son's going to eat its eyes. Wow.

Starting point is 00:43:01 All right. All right. All right. Roseanne, what do you think about that story? I think you're fighting a war inside. Listen, Miss Roseanne, I'm fighting a war every time I pee. I think the devil's got to hold a you, boy. And you better get loose.

Starting point is 00:43:28 Yeah. You better get loose with that goddamn demon devil because that ain't you. That ain't the real you because I seen the real you. Now I'm going to tell you true. All right. I see an innocent. I see an innocent come up here with a lot of swagger. You are a comedy innocent.

Starting point is 00:43:52 You can make anything funny. I want you to make shit funny. That's good and lifts people and don't drag their face through a lot of shit. Wow. Because you can do it. And I want you to make that choice. You can do it. And you're going to go a lot farther if you do because people are sick of that nasty, nasty boy poop dick shit.

Starting point is 00:44:15 I personally am sick of all that boy bull shit. I want to hear some shit that makes me want to overthrow this motherfucking government and do right. Holy shit. And save the good people of this world and this country and everything else and make them do right and save the kids and all that shit. I don't want to hear about your fucking dick in anybody's asshole. Oh my God. The Queen has arrived. To be fair, it was a carrot that was in her asshole.

Starting point is 00:44:59 It was a carrot in her asshole about my winner. I just pray that God will come into your heart and show you that what I say is true and you'll make a turnaround. And you will be really, really fucking excruciatingly funny. You'll tear the walls down. You'll talk about you and your inner fight and it'll be hilarious. I cannot believe it. Perhaps, I mean, the wisest, sagest advice that one could give to a guy that's already doing good. She's trying to figure out how to challenge you and expand you because you can handle that challenge and you can push yourself to new levels.

Starting point is 00:45:38 And I fucking agree with Roseanne. I think you're both fucking right. It's fun to be funny, but she's challenging you to fucking try to push it to another level. You're above the material you're doing. That's what I'm saying. I appreciate that. And that's what this show is all about. What can I ask you one thing?

Starting point is 00:45:56 Oh, you're from Texas, right? And you're single, you ain't got no wedding ring on your finger. No, I'm not from Texas. I'm from Utah. I love Mormons too, but can I take you dancing? No, I'm a Jew. I'm a Jew from Utah. It was a hard place to be a Jew.

Starting point is 00:46:13 My family, we stuck out like a sore thumb over there in Mormon, Utah, because we only had the one mother. And it was very difficult. I'm telling you, it was very difficult for our family at that time. I just want to take you dancing later. I just want to spin you around. You are a doll, you know, but I have two bad knees that I've got to get replaced, which is why I'm back on the road to raise the funds for getting married. You're a sweet doll. Thank you, darling.

Starting point is 00:46:45 Thank you. Have you been eating your carrots? Ladies and gentlemen, make some goddamn noise for Uncle Lazy, everybody. Oh, you got it. The real deal. That's who he really is. He just got a cool homework assignment from one of the all time greats. That was amazing to watch live.

Starting point is 00:47:06 I love it. Let's get back to this bucket, huh? Having fun out there? Let's meet a new innocent soul. Give someone a chance of their life. Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name. I'm so drunk. You have to forgive me.

Starting point is 00:47:21 I'm drunk. You're good. You're good. You're good. We're all a little bit drunk tonight. Make some noise for your next comedian. Louis Manara. Manara.

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KILL TONY - #599 - ROSEANNE

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