KILL TONY - #600 - CHRIS DISTEFANO

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Chris Distefano, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/27/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to Ryanjebel.com. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company Live from Vulcan Gas Company for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's TonyHinchCliff.

Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Yee-hoo! Make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody. Hey, everybody. Yeah. Here we are at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie, Vodka, Gel Blaster, the Austin Security Guard Service, the best goddamn security guards in the world just so happen to be here in Austin,

Texas. And Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey presents the Kill Tony Band, everybody. How about a hand for these guys? That's the great Michael Gonzalez, Fresh Off of Touring, multi-time Mexican drum-off champion making his Kill Tony Band debut tonight. That's the great Zach Person on the electric guitar, a young legend that the world will know about soon enough, just like the other superstar of the show, Matt Mueling, on this electric guitar right here.

That's Paul Deemer on the horns all the way to the right. And this right here is deep madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. What a night we shall have. But before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, guys. It's Red Band.

And this Wednesday here in Austin, Texas at CapCity Comedy Club, I will be headlining and I'll be bringing the great William Montgomery and Jamisha Albo from Kill Tony. One night, one show only, eight o'clock, Wednesday, March 15th. Go to CapCityComedy.com and get tickets. Hey, y'all. When you go to the bathroom, you always close the door behind you, right? You don't want some random passersby looking in on you. So why would you let people look in on you when you go online?

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quality glass at thefreezpipe.com and use code TONY for 10% off your order. That's thefreezpipe.com and use code TONY for 10% off. Shop today. Your throat and lungs will thank you. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Balcony, are you guys with us tonight? Every single week, I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This is very, very exciting.

This guy is absolutely one of my favorites. He's playing Radio City Music Hall September 27th. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the best in the world. It's Chris DiStefano. Oh shit. Here we go. Here we go. We're doing it tonight.

Chris DiStefano. Fuck yeah. Legend of the game. Hello. Hey babe. Chrissy. Chaos. Specialy.

Wesh. Radio City. Fucking music hall. Look at that baby. That's what happens when you vote Republican. Yeah. Hell yeah. We're gonna have fun here tonight.

Yeah. You've been on this show before. You know how it works. We're gonna have a blast. I'm ready baby. Ready to have some fun. For those of you that don't know, over a hundred comedians signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to try to perform the best stand-up comedy that they possibly can.

You know the 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which is loud and annoying and it cuts them off. And then I interview them and we find out as much as we can about them. And it's all improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Well, if you don't know, now you know we have a few regulars on the show.

They have the very tough job of writing and performing a new 60 seconds every single week. Which is not easy at all. 52 fucking new minutes a year. And this guy's been at the helm of this for a couple of years now. We've watched him go from living in his van to being a wildly successful, touring fucking comedian. This is a new minute from Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up guys?

Good to be here. My name is Hans and it's tough for me to make friends with white people because I'm gonna outlive them. We measure white people age in dog ears. That's why my parents made me make friends with white people early so I could learn about death. Oh, it's okay little buddy. Skyler lived a full life full of freedoms and talking back to his parents. But yeah, I'm doing pretty good. I am actually seeing a 24 year old woman. And I can tell she's 24 because whenever I'm fingering her, she's always vaping. It's like, why don't you vape my dick? I can make white stuff come out.

Thank you. Alright, Hans Kim showing us how it's done. Love the vape joke. Got a little fucking creepy after that. I don't know if you need all that, but I love it. How's it going Hans? It's going fantastically. I'm so wealthy right now. It's crazy. You have been out there every weekend. Hans is absolutely killing it all over selling out shows. You were in Tampa this weekend. Going head to head with Uncle Laser who had lined a weekend there. What was that like?

It was like the nerd versus the guy that has sex. That's true. You do have a lot of sex. No, I'm kidding. That's fun. So did you guys hang out at all? Yeah, I went to his pool party. He had a pool party in Tampa. He was there one day throwing pool parties. Oh shit. I think I hear the rumbles of Uncle Laser up there. This is incredible. This is like when Sting and WCW used to sit up in the rafters and watch the wrestling matches of the people that he was going to challenge later on. I remember it very well. So Hans, tell us more. What else?

He was like, dude, my fans are all hot girls and your fans are all dorky losers. How does that make you feel? He makes me feel like a little girl. Okie dokie. What do you mean he makes you feel like a little girl? He emasculates me. Little Uncle Laser does? Yeah, Uncle Laser is an alpha in this world over here. I love it. You talked a lot of shit about outliving white people.

Yeah, sorry Tony. It's ok, I forgive you. It was good. This 24 year old, is this new? Yes. Ok, where'd you meet her? She came to one of my shows here at the Vulcan and then she gave me her number and told me she was Jewish. And then I was like, I'm in. Ok, what's the most Jewish thing about her that you've noticed? How long have you been with her now?

I've been with her four weeks. Ok, yeah. I thought so. I think I remember talking about a Jewish girl with you. But tell me more, what's the most Jewish thing you've noticed? She wears a mouth guard when she sleeps. Oooh, the old fucking rape guard. So you don't go sticking your fucking whatever in her mouth. You're a little vape pen you got down there.

Alright, a mouth guard, what else? Have you noticed anything else? She got really mad at me yesterday because she was licking my balls and I have really sensitive balls. It's not anything personal. Do you think Uncle Laser has sensitive balls? He hits those things with fucking sledgehammers just to get him juiced up. You know what I mean? Oh shit. So you have sensitive balls and then what happened?

Was she trying to like, what was she doing? The old matzo balls or something like that? Was she trying to spoon them into her mouth? What happened? She was just tonguing them with the tip of her tongue. It felt good. It was just a little sensitive. And then I was like... What do you say when she tongs your balls too hard? Is there a specific noise you make? I was like, ugh! Oh, Hans, you are one of a kind.

Now, we all know that you are famously Asian. You are South Korean. Yes. And I want to ask you about something because we found out from the actual news this week that the coronavirus was officially leaked out of a lab in China. I want to know because I can't speak about it at all, obviously. I want to know what your thoughts about that are. You know, accidents happen. You know, when you are doing so much research, sometimes you make a couple of mistakes. But, you know, at least we have like Hello Kitty and...

Okay. Chris DiStefano, you've seen Hans before, right? Yeah, I love Hans. Yeah? I think always, always good. And I'm happy that you have a girl to lick your weather balloons. Yes! Radio City fucking musical, here we come. What happens?

I love it. Yeah. What else, Hans? Anything else before we let you go? I've been seriously drone piloting for a while now. Oh, shit. I'm a pretty good pilot. Piloting what? Drones.

Oh, drones. Nice. Yeah. Very North Korean of you. What have you been doing with these drones? Tell us more. I've been going up to hotel rooms, looking in. Oh, my goodness. What a creep you are. I like it. They should have never gave you creeps technology.

Why is your collar up right now? Oh, fashion. That is true. He is somewhat fashionable. Nice. Is that Amazon classics? What is this? Yeah, this is from Amazon. I actually have a couple of Hickeys. Let's see. How many of you think we should see those Hickeys? Here we go. Here comes a Hans Hickey reveal after a long weekend in Tampa.

Supposedly as a girlfriend, but wait, let's see. Wow. Dude, you sure you didn't try to hang yourself? What's going on over there, dude? Epstein over here. It's just a playful accident. It's never an accident. Tell her to take out her mouth guard next time.

All right, Hans, another great new minute. You're fantastic, consistent as it gets. What a lead off it, or we couldn't love you anymore. You're out there. You're selling out. We found you here fucking June of 2021. You're killing it. There he goes, Hans. Thank you guys. That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. So the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, this is where anything can happen. Could be the next fucking superstar of the show. Could be our worst nightmare. Anything can happen. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight is Morgie, everybody. We're all going to meet Morgie together.

This is a new name, I couldn't tell. I would know if I met a Morgie before. Morgie. Here comes Morgie, everybody. Make some noise for these comedians. They sign up. They wait all night for this. One more time for Morgie, everybody. Here she is. Hello. So growing up, my mom was an alcoholic.

And every time she drank, she'd get like, really sick. But not like, throwing up sick. Like, doing donuts in the middle of the intersection, sick. And soon after your old me was just like, fuck. This bitch really going off right now. No, but my mom, she did love to drink and drive. And me and my sisters were always like, oh my god, like, someone has to stop her. And so one day, a random pine tree on the side of the road was like, say less.

I got this. You know, and she never drank and drove again. I tried a new drug for the first time the other night. They're called Roofies. And I think whoever gave them to me gave me the wrong dose. Because I don't remember shit. Thank you. All right, Morgie, everybody, doing a minute.

Morgie, Morgie, Morgie, where do we begin, Morgie? How long have you been doing stand up? Um, like a month. Okay, that's good. That's a good answer. Hell yeah, absolutely. We were a little bit scared there for a second. No, no, no, no. Not long at all. I'm a virgin to the game pretty much.

I think you're not a virgin at all. To the game. I don't think you should use that terminology at all. I can literally see your pussy lips right now. I just think. Oh, I thought I covered them before I came up here. That is a schoolgirl skirt. That is a real schoolgirl. Where do you go to school? UTI?

No. That is funny. That is funny. All the hottest bitches have UTIs. Hold on. Everybody was dying of laughter. You have to wait until the laughter dies down and then respond. No one knows what you said. Hey, I'm new. I'm new. I'm new.

Seriously though, where do you go to school? Hoder name? I did go to Texas A&M. I heard those guys say goodbye. Wow, look at that. Look at these guys you'll never fuck right here. There's a whole table. A whole table of dudes that are going to jerk off to your

Instagram later tonight. How do you spell morgue here, dude? All right, morgue. How old are you? I'm 23 years old. 23. What made you want to start stand-up comedy? Well, my ex showed me the show when we were still living together.

We've had this happen a lot lately. This is like a new thing. We're like, I'm going to show him. I'm going to comedy and then he's going to see me on his favorite show. You think I'm good? Wow, and look at this. He wins this round.

Right now, he's looking at the apartment where all your shit used to be, just like I fucking made it. You stepped on another line. Very good. You were literally anti-comedy, morgue. I love it. What's the funniest thing about you? I don't know.

You're so real for that. Funniest thing? I don't know. I've been arrested three times. For what? First time shoplifting, duh. What were you shoplifting? I was stealing a Michael Kors beanie from Dillard. Wow, that is such a trash.

I was still a pro. I got away with shit still. I got a bottle perfume and like a belt. Give shorter answers. Let's focus on shorter answers here. Editing is important. Okay, the second time you got arrested. Drug dealer gave his charge to me

and I just ended up taking it. He put some shit on me. It's a long story. I thought you wanted it short. This is like if Bad Baby was bad at everything. Yeah, I know. He hid his shit in my closet and the cops came and searched my house

and they were like, oh, it's in your closet. It's yours and then I was in here. And you got arrested for that? Yeah, I was in Juvie for a month. What? Well, he has HPV for life. Yeah. That's the difference. No doubt about it.

And now the question everybody wants to know. Your third time being arrested? Minor in consumption. I was at the beach during spring break and they just found me drunk as shit. They didn't find me. They pulled over my car and my ex was driving. They resuscitated you?

No, no, no. I was acting like a fool for sure. They arrested me. I was in the back of the car. I was like, you know, like a fucking monster. How old were you then? I was 17. Yeah, no, all under 18. I got arrested all under 18. That's the way you should do it. My advice, Cynium.

Welcome to another episode of Life Advice with Morgie. Everybody about that. Which parent fucked you as a kid? Oh my god, red fan. Why would you say something like that? We could get sued. This is a real show. There's probably sexual violence listeners out there.

There's probably a lot of people that wouldn't like that. So which parent was it that fucked you? No, I'm an orphan, technically. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's not even that bad then. No, I didn't even get the chance to do that. Yeah, that's fine then.

Wait, you're an orphan? I'm sorry, I can't believe I didn't hear this. The joke was why my mom dying when I was drinking and driving. My dad's like a hobo, you know what I mean? Okay. Yeah. I'm no one to disappoint right now.

Where is your dad a hobo at? In Corpus Christi. Ooh. With the plot thickens. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You communicate with him ever? I haven't talked to him in about five years. He lost custody of me when I was 15.

Five years? Why haven't you talked to him in five years? Well, he's a hobo. You're saying he's like a puppet on a stick or something like that. Shit. If I want to see him, I'd have to pay for everything. I shouldn't have to do that for my parent

to spend time with them. So it's like, why the fuck would I do that? Right. I mean, he didn't want to take care of me at that age, so why should I take care of him? Fuck that guy. Do you have a phone number on that? Um, no.

I was his favorite though. Do you have his phone number? No, I don't. I don't think he has a phone. That was almost awesome. No. There's no way that motherfucker has a phone, bro. Wow.

He's crazy. I love it. How popular are you on TikTok? Okay, thank you, Red Band. Thank you for everything. Uh... So when you signed up for the show knowing that you're acts that you used to live with,

was that a bad breakup? No, it was kind of neutral. We lived together for five months after we broke up. He just moved out like a month ago. Okay. But you know, I still love that motherfucker. You know, like for life. But he unfollowed me on Instagram the other day.

I unfollowed you on Instagram and took you off Snapchat. I was like, okay. So I don't... I think he took it a little bit harder than me. I still love him though. I still love you, Thomas. Oh, wow. Okay. He hates me though. I'm pretty sure he does. Why does he hate you?

I'm just like kind of a bitch. What'd you really do? Come on, tell us the truth. No, I didn't do anything. No, it was a mutual breakup. I technically started the breakup and he was like, I agree. So we're like, okay, like... But you still love him? You know what I mean? Okay. Not one of those things though.

I probably wouldn't have sex with him ever again. Yeah. No, he had a huge dick though. So it's like... That's what it's about. Circumcised? Huh? Circumcised? Yes. Okay, good. Yeah, nice. Big clean. Beautiful dick. Let me ask you this. Beautiful. He had a big beautiful...

Circumcised dick. He had a big beautiful dick. What do you think your biggest contribution to the bedroom was? Shit. Well, I didn't put, like, my full name, so yeah, I like to ride dick. I'll ride dick. You know what I mean?

You ride dick. I ride dick. Some bitches are pillow prints as well. I'll fucking ride dick. Nice. I love it. You're like a cholo from Fresno. I love this shit. No. You really are. It is incredible. That's some H-Town shit, baby.

Yeah, I don't know. Whatever. Is that heroin? Yeah, yeah. There you go. You get it. You would know. Of course. I know. I have security, yeah. Morgie, you... Seriously, one month in, you really... It is good. Thank you.

He wants me. I'm just kidding. No, absolutely not. I swear to God. I swear to God. No. You really did good. Morgie, you rode the wave here tonight. Congratulations. You started us off on bucket pulls. Can you catch that?

No. You can catch Chlamydia, but you can't catch a little joke book, folks. Morgie, everybody. Good job, Morgie. One more time for Morgie. She's walking out here with a brand new cell blaster. She gets a cell blaster.

How exciting. From the great people over at Cell Blaster. Available in stores everywhere. She's gonna use it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Nathaniel Bagley, everybody. Bagley.

Nathaniel Bagley. We haven't fun out there yet, huh? You guys get it? Here we go. Your second bucket pull of the night. We're all gonna meet him together. How about one more time for Nathaniel Bagley, everybody?

Woo! I was looking a lot into the UFOs recently. There's been a lot of news about that. And it just has me thinking about all the guys who lied about being abducted and probed just to explain the blown-out asshole the next morning.

You just have to imagine he's going to his wife and he's like, no, I can explain. Like, there's just like these gay men. Gray men? There's these gray men. They came, they got me, and she's like, oh, fuck. Fuck.

You know, I recently became homeless and living out of my car, and it's not because of alcoholism. Thank you very much. I could stop at any time. You believe me. And, you know, I wish there was a better way

to be in denial of being an alcoholic, too. Like, I really wish that I could have the confidence of a 90s drug PSA kid just to deny it, like driving with a friend at night, and he's like, hey, man, I think you have a drinking problem. And I'm just all like,

dude, I'd choose to booze driving to some traffic. I think it'd be the best best reality, honestly. All right. Nathaniel Bagley. I never thought I was going to say this, but it looks like Morgie's in the lead tonight, everybody.

Holy shit. What a twist. Right when you're like, here we go. Something's going to happen. At least you could have done his worn a schoolgirl skirt up here. Nathaniel, I fucking love it. That was

absolutely nothing at all. Yeah. Nice. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I was on Kill Tony two years ago, and I came on right after I got OD'd. And then had some concussion, some brain damage,

and so I thought I should do this again before it's too bad. The concussion and the brain damage happened after the last time you were on the show? Yeah, yeah. The OD kick concussion, the whole thing. Yeah. You got fucked up, dude. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. How'd you get concussed? It was just basically a Bob Saget accident. I was just, like, doing my shit at work, just bumped my head, and there's a dent in my skull now. It's a whole thing.

What's Bob Saget have to do with that? You know what I mean? You know that little... I got away with it. Totally different accident than Bob Saget. Bob Saget was funny. Yeah. It was very funny all the time.

And then he bumped his head and died. You bumped your head and survived, kind of. Like, you're still there in your human form. What do you do for work? I work at a smoke shop. Nice.

Okay. All right. I could see how that would be good for you. I look like I'd work at a smoke shop. Yeah. You look like you're... And you sound like you have throat cancer. At this point. Yeah, you know. Carbon monoxide?

How long have you been doing comedy? Just starting back up after two years ago. Well, dude, it's not easy, you know? No. It's not easy. You're doing comedy. You look like a viking with diabetes.

You're doing... You're pulling off a lot of shit. You have a bullet around your neck. Use it tonight. You do have one bullet around your neck. Yes, you do have one single baby bullet. Is that a special bullet? Does it have any meaning?

Nothing. Max gave it to me, and I was like, all right. Okay. No other reason. What's the coolest thing that's happened to you since you got this life-changing concussion? The homelessness has been nice. Homelessness? You know, the fresh air at all times.

See your... full-blown homeless right now? Yeah, I've been living out of my car, man. But I thought you have a job at the smoke shop. Yeah, I have that job. I more recently had the job, and so just trying to build up for the money. It's too expensive for...

Too expensive for shit. What kind of car are you living in? It's a Chevy Spark. Chevy Spark? You're in the fetal position, huh? Oh, yeah. Wow. I'm about to hatch from the fucking car. I'm ready.

Right. Well, Nathaniel, what do you... What do you do for fun? Can you give us an example of what a concussed homeless man does for a good time before we all get back to living a better life than you? Let's see, you know...

Do drugs with people? Oh! That's a thing. What kind of drugs are you into? Just mostly weed, psychedelics. Yeah, what else? I fucking... I took two tabs of acid

and two grams of mushrooms and went to Six Flags on Halloween. Whoa! That was fucking exciting! I can't imagine how exciting that must be to go from living in a Chevy Spark to Six Flags on... Yeah.

Halloween. It's a wild ride. All the people there must have been like, the very Game of Thrones zombie guy. Yeah, no, my friend was with me. He was also, like, high as shit, and he was, like, super scared. He was like, fuck, dude, I think they know I'm high.

Because everyone's like, dude, that dude's fucked up. I was walking in front of him, just like, dude, this is fucking great! These, like, people trying to, like, they're, like, dressed up as zombies and shit trying to scare me. Where exactly is this dent in your skull? It's just right up here.

Okay, that's where this sense of humor is located. Very, very interesting. We're learning a lot here. We do some science studies here. Nathaniel, I find you to be very, very interesting. Have you been doing stand-up other places other than here? I've been getting back into it this month, so...

Oh, alright, welcome back. I mean, oh, thanks. Yeah. I don't know why I stumble on that. Yeah, no, it's not easy, you know? Nathaniel? You have a brain injury. I'm serious, and it's not easy. You're doing it.

Yeah. I like it. You got an old school name, Nathaniel. They have a civil war face. I think you can do... North, the North, North Civil War. Ah! Ah, fuck! You, it'd be more interesting

if you were reppering the South. I'd like to see a point of view from that side. Um... Where's David Lucas? But I think, um, whoops. I think, uh, I think that, you know, you just keep going, man. You just got back. It's not easy.

Yeah. It's not easy at all. You're already on the right path. You're already the, uh... funniest, concussed comedian that, uh, is out there. And you look clean, by the way. From living in a car, you look clean, you know? Right? I don't think you look dirty or anything.

You look clean. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. You are, right? Are you pretty clean? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I clean under the foreskin and everything. Where do you... Babe?

Huh? I have some friends that I was like... Oh, okay. You know? Clean? So, like, it's kind of like a semi-homeless, like a shower. So... Are you circumcised?

No. No, I got that. Dude, I got that fucking hood. Oh, God. You got a hood. Chevy spark, so it's not a big hood at all. There he goes. Nathaniel Bagley, everybody. I'm gonna get him out of here. Nathaniel...

I'm gonna dust you one of these little joke books here from the Great Bones Eye. Your net worth is gonna double right now. There he goes. Nathaniel Bagley, everyone. He's getting a gel blaster. How exciting. He's gonna sell that to a crackhead tonight under a bridge.

Someone's getting a $10 gel blaster tonight. You know what? Fuck this bucket. Let's get another one of our regulars up here. One of the best in the world. Another completely touring all over. One of the great writers, comedians and roasters. Make some noise for the one and only David

motherfucking Lucas, everybody. Make some noise, people. It's really him, the one and only David Lucas. Yeah. Women should realize they have no bargaining chips other than pussy. And it's like, bitch, when you're on your period, I have no use for you.

Like, when it's shark, we get the fuck out of here, bitch. Like, after we bust our net, we don't give a fuck about you. We look at you like you're disgusted anyway. Like, what the fuck this bitch is gonna do? Like, women don't get it, man. They don't. They fucking talk when we watch TV. Then they get mad when we pause the TV. And then they don't talk when you pause the TV.

And then as soon as you press play, they're like, I don't understand why. No, bitch, you had your opportunity. The fuck are you doing? I'm about to press... I'm gonna press pause and let you get this shit out. They press pause and they shut the fuck up. They're just like, what the fuck is wrong with you, bitch? All right, yeah, thank y'all, man. Hell, yeah, David Lucas, adding another minute.

Yeah. The legend David Lucas, welcome back, my friend. Chris, throw your sweater, nigga. You're supposed to be in that gay purple. Oh, come on. That's a beautiful color purple. You told that nigga to switch outfits when you seen her.

Like, I can't, it feels good. Speaking of the color purple, you look great this week. Really blending in that camo takes off. Y'all don't even know what the fuck the color purple is. Y'all think it's just... That's a new color purple. That's a nigga movie. That's what we call it when you're not around.

That's true. David motherfucking Lucas, rocking the camo tonight. Come on, man, what you rocking? This is just a black t-shirt and a black shirt. That nigga got pants on for a shirt. That's Lulu Limit, nigga. This is Travis Matthews, they're a golf company.

They're state-of-the-art stuff. It's incredible. You put a deal of those over your golf clubs to keep them played. Oh, that's... Like, when niggas put them things over the handle, whatever it's called, I don't know about golf and they ain't made that much money. They're club covers. They're club covers.

You're shaped like dicks. No. No. What kind of clubs do you have other than the sandwiches? Son of a bitch. I don't golf. You're an eater. I play pool. I play pool. I don't golf.

Wow, that's the only pool you're getting into. I can swim. I've told you before I wanted a few black people that can swim. I can swim. Really? Wow. Yeah, I can actually swim. Yeah. What's good?

I don't trust you with the fucking shades on, nigga. Sorry. You look like you're supposed to be in the movie Casino. I know. I was. Hey, Paulie was a bad guy. Yeah. He would slice the olives so thin they would melt in the pan.

Yeah. David knows his casinos. El Camino. That's a local burger joint. The rest of the world, they won't get the reference. I got it. Everybody in Austin's laughing right now at you. Taking another rip off that vape pen.

You love. I didn't know they had vape pens that had calories in them. That's incredible that you found that. It's amazing. You want a trojan vape, nigga. Get your motherfuckers out. That nigga want a magnum vape. Fire and ice.

You can't watch jelly. What you got to say? No, I was going to say you keep vaping like that. You can't get fingered by Hans Kim. That's true. That's true. You look like that nigga from Rocky V who tried to fight Rocky. I know, I do.

I'm just happy to see you. I haven't seen you in a few months. That is true. I'm not expecting that. No chance. Your ass look like you made gay sub sandwiches, nigga with that motherfucker purple. I do.

Tell your meatball a lot of real niggas' balls. That's it, baby. I like it. You can have it anytime, Uncle Jemima. David Lucas. Rock and pink shoes tonight. That's interesting. I can rock pink. You got on purple, nigga.

I know. This is what your heart looks like. It is. And then he's going to play this shit. I'm off tonight, nigga. My roast is... It was that horrible weekend I had in Detroit. That's what I bought.

What happened? I was at the House of Comedy, Detroit, and they got a mic went out on the last show. House of Pancakes? What the fuck are you talking about? They booked you? Finally? The mic went out of your lungs. Hold on. Just keep roasting me.

I don't know what the fuck is going on. I ain't got no roast shows right now. You're the only guy in an I-hop that can't hop. Tony, you look like... He can't roast back. I'm going to pile on. Tony, you go to restaurants to sit on corn dogs, nigga.

Shut your motherfucking... I had to warm up. I'm like a carburetor, nigga. There we go. With your motherfucking horse moth ass, Christy Stefano. Corn dogs are the only dogs that David rescues. Hey, Chris, you look like a nigga that replaced on the Backstreet Boys

for the reunion tour, nigga. Get your... That motherfucking soup to the side here. You look like an Italian interior designer, nigga. You look like you'll put a sink in the kitchen for no reason. Hey, you need another sink, buddy. I don't know. A sink. Sink looks good right here.

Bathroom sink. Not kitchen sink. Bathroom sink. I would. I'll install a sink in your second and third kitchen. You look like you own 30-pound shops, nigga. That motherfucking... Two dollars for a gold chain. That's what yours is. Damn, bruh.

I can tell. I own pawn shops. That's a fake. You've heard it too. You've heard it two chains. This is two chins. I did that one years ago. Sometimes you got to bring it back. What the fuck is going on? You're okay. You just didn't eat enough bread today.

You didn't eat enough bread today. You got to get that fucking juice up your brain. You're over here sweating bullets. I know, it's bad. Last time I saw a sweater like that, he was wearing it. You are fucking dripping wet right now. Yeah, bruh. I fucking...

Just took a shot before I came on stage. You did some drinking in Detroit this weekend? Not really, bro. Detroit was so bad. I was just trying to get out of there, bruh. Did you see any crime or anything? Nah, I went from the hotel to the show, bruh. It was... That's right. Yeah.

I know what that is. I don't know how the airport looked better than the city. I landed and they got such a nice airport. I'm like, oh, they buy the step they shit up. And then you get in your Uber. You're like, no, the fuck they didn't. I don't trust the water. They do nothing. That shit up.

But it's too close to Flint. Yeah. That water probably doesn't trust you either. So it's mutual. I love it. So no drive-bys, just drive-throughs this weekend. David Lucas, you're a fucking legend. Even on your off nights,

you're one of the best in the fucking world, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for David, everybody. Oh, uh... Yeah. March 16th, I'm at LOL San Antonio. Y'all make sure y'all pull up. Appreciate it. There you go. Get your tickets now. David Lucas, San Antonio.

We love him. Back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens next. Make some noise for Regina Frank, everybody. Regina Frank, Regina Frank. Another new bucket pull, it seems. Make some noise for Regina Frank, everybody.

So it's been a really, really long time since I've had sex. So long that it's starting to look like my bush did 9-11. And I don't know about you guys, but I could really go for an inside job right about now. So I went to the gynecologist

to get my chic checked out. Turns out my puss actually leans to the left, which I thought was very strange because I've always been pro-life. I want to open up

the first strip club exclusively for fat chicks only. I'm going to call it Cinnamon Rolls. And yes, there will be a Cinnabon attached. I'm not stupid. I'm also in the process of writing an erotic novel

slash cookbook. It's going to be titled 50 Shades of Gravy. Don't worry, guys. It'll be tasteful. In more ways than one. That's my time. Thank you. Yes, it is. Regina Frank. Welcome to the show, Regina.

Grab that microphone. I'm going to interview you now. I want to find out what fucking demented library you work at. Yeah. I can't tell whether you're 22 or 75. I'm not exactly sure what's going on right now. I will say you've had the best set of anyone I've ever seen wearing the same shoes as Sacajawea.

That is incredible. Those are I don't know if you found those in an Indian burial ground here. Those look Comanche. I got a little Elizabeth Warren in me. Just Mitch. Okay.

Okay, so let's talk about it, Regina. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is actually my first time ever. That's believable. That checks out. First time. Hi. Welcome to comedy.

Good for you. Much like the Native Americans, I don't think you're going to be doing it much longer. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. What do you do for work, Regina? I am a server at Texas

Roadhouse. Wow. Everybody knows about Texas Roadhouse. For those of you that come and visit Texas, make sure you go to Texas Roadhouse. It's called Texas Roadhouse for a reason, the most legit food in all of Texas.

Nowhere better than Texas Roadhouse available everywhere in the country, I do believe. That's exactly what Texas is like. You go in there, that's what it's like. How long have you worked at Texas Roadhouse? Since I moved here in April, so about seven, eight months.

Where'd you move from? California, actually. What part of California? Sacramento. Oh, that makes sense. I was just there yesterday, not good. Not good at all. Don't miss it at all. It's bad. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Honestly, I've had the most fun

in my entire life living in the city. Just a short amount of time that I have. I met you actually on my birthday. It was my first kill Tony show about three, four weeks ago. And ever since then, I'm like, I'm addicted. I got to keep going. Who brought you here? How'd you end up here?

He's like six foot five. He's like my bodyguard. I was just about to ask, what's the height of your brother? Yeah. I have you as my lock screen on my phone. I took a photo with you ever since that it's been on my lock screen. Okay.

I'm about two questions away from getting a restraining order. This is good. I love it. Regina, what have you been doing for fun in Austin other than kill Tony? Shoot, really kill Tony is my only fun. Other than kill Tony? That's a question was ridiculously specific.

I smoke a lot of weed Tony. I smoke a lot of weed. You do? Yeah. What do you do after you smoke weed? I usually watch conspiracy theory videos. I really like hollow earth theory and like aliens and stuff and Bigfoot. I don't know. I just like anything that's just like

not mainstream and I don't know. Okay. You talked about how you haven't had sex in a while. Is that true? Yes, it's very true. Really? How long has it been? Since last July. Whoa. Is that by choice? Yeah, actually.

You're a beautiful girl. You look like you're like a sexy Rick Moranis. Yeah. That is actually a compliment. I'll take it. I meant it. I would fuck Rick Moranis. Yes, it's been a while. Okay. Why do you think that is? I'm very picky. I mean obviously

being a girl you can get a lot of options but I just don't like all the options and I don't know. I get my feelings involved and so I just like to be protective of my heart. I don't know. I'm gay about it. You're already talking about feelings over here. I'm just asking about your sex life. Holy shit.

That's why I don't have sex. Let me ask you this because now I feel like we're getting somewhere. When you say your feelings get attached, can you give us an example of a time that you got way too clingy, way too fast, did something, maybe you thought, oh fuck, I think I fucked it up. Can you give us an example of

when you've done that? I'm sure you, I see you pretending like you're thinking of one but I already know I've been doing this long enough to know that you know the fucking time that I'm talking about and you're trying to think of the side. There you go. All right, good. Okay, so it was my third boy from my entire life.

He just, I don't know, really big wiener. He was like s'moan, whatever. Circumcised? Yes, circumcised, yes. He's definitely circumcised. And I don't know, I just I broke up with him and I was like, oh my god I was such a bitch and then like a year later I was like

oh I have some regrets and I don't know I'm an artist so I drew him a portrait I dropped off at his parent's house without him knowing. It was very creepy. And then, uh... What was the portrait of? Of him, in a portrait of him staring at me at the time that we went to prom

all months? And it was okay, keep in mind it was a really good portrait, but very fucking creepy, very fucking creepy of me to do. I was 17 it was like 10 years ago, but I love, listen for me, you're my type

you're my type. Look like Rick Moranis personality of Todd from Wedding Crashers I fucking love it. Sacajawea Native American shoes if I was single I'd be fucking in. Thank you! Thank you! I'll take it! I'll take it! Yeah, my goodness

that is incredible. You sent the man a painted portrait of him looking at you It was really, really good I could show you if my phone was unlocked No, it's okay. We don't want it We don't want it. Yeah. You're so crazy, I'm not sure if you're just drinking your period blood

or what that is. I am cause you're a real fucking lunatic and I really like it. I like how nuts you are. Minstrel cup shots Red Band wants to take a sip Yeah Incredible. Absolutely amazing

Regina Man, I have so much What's your living situation like? I live with my brother, my sister-in-law and their newborn baby. Your brother, your sister and their newborn baby. And I don't have a bedroom. I sleep in the living room on a loft bed and I am perfectly comfortable

I'm just happy to be a part of the team Your feet are always warm Right? Absolutely Absolutely This is like an extra homeless episode of Kill Tony Unbelievable Well Tony, I sleep on a patio

Incredible, Regina Wow Let me ask you this, have you kissed a boy since moving to Austin, Texas? Yes, a few boys, yes. Okay, well there you go There you go. All right All right, Regina Is this something you think you're going to do more often?

I would love to if I mean, you would have me No, no, no, we won't have you, no That's not what I was asking at all For your first time though, you did pretty decent, like Pretty decent, but if you're going to take it seriously, you've got to take it seriously

and do it other places and stuff There she goes, her Kill Tony debut Regina Frank everybody, Regina take one of these Here you go Oh shit, that was me I'll take the blame for that one, that was my first ever bad throw with a little joke book All right

Holy shit, these bucket pools are wild tonight, I don't think we've found a single person that sleeps on a bed Here we go Maybe the fourth time's the charm, make some noise for Tina Yukana everybody Tina There's a

A lot of ladies here tonight, three to one The ladies, let's see what happens here Here she comes everyone Make some noise for Tina Yukana What is up Austin

All right, so I am biracial My father is 100% Assyrian and my mother is 100% Karen And growing up biracial is definitely weird, you know because I never know which side to identify

with, you know, it's like people take one look at my skin and they're like you're too white to be Middle Eastern and then other people take one look at my pussy and they're just like you're way too hairy to be white Yeah, it makes getting waxed real awkward, you know because they

rip off part of the white side like and I'm just like, oh my god, that hurt really bad I need to speak to the manager immediately and then they rip off part of the Middle Eastern side like and I'm just like I like to travel when I can Last year I went to Serbia

and when I came back home I'm talking to one of my friends about it and she goes what the fuck were you doing in Serbia? That is the most randomest place you go in the world and then I said, my friend paid for everything, I couldn't say no and she goes oh, I see, you got a sugar daddy

and I said, sugar daddy's taking you to France Splenda daddy's taking you to Serbia All right Tina, Yukana, am I saying that correctly? You actually are, I'm very surprised Indeed, indeed I'm super smart, really good at this job

So Tina, let's talk about it This is your first time on the show Indeed, how long have you been doing stand up? About four years Four years, we're at In Chicago, I'm from Chicago I perform at Laugh Factory, Lincoln Lodge, Comedy Bar all the things

cool things I go to New York sometimes, I'm going to do the stand next month I love it, absolutely Your hair is purple, do you consider yourself an extreme liberal? No, that's the fucked up part You know, back in my day, when people looked at me, they would cross the street because

they thought I was going to rob them Now they look at me and they're like, oh fuck the rent's going up Yeah, we're like, yeah We got trans in the neighborhood Hey, hey, hey I don't got a dick, I just sucked dick, that's why my voice sounds like this I thought it was your dick hanging out of your back pocket

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah There is something tricky going on I don't think it's trans, but I don't know what it's called when your butt is on the front side Your pussy's behind you It's called brave, have you ever listened to Lizzo? Yes, I don't know Good for you, I like it

I don't know what's going on Thank you, it matches your hair That's true, David Lucas is finally ready to perform tonight after seeing you up here, he's like Come on, give me one more shot, put me in Oh shit, hand me the ball I'll run it all the way

Tina Yukana, what do you do for a living? I'm a chef, so I'm also a drug dealer And you're also getting high on your own supply Yup As you can tell by my hair Absolutely, you a good chef or what are you at the Texas Roadhouse, what are we talking about?

No, no You're going to make fun of me for this with vegan restaurants Oh, okay Absolutely, no I'm not going to make fun of you That's interesting that it's a vegan restaurant though because I thought that you had meat in your pants

this entire time Like I said, I don't got a sausage I just like to suck them That's why my voice sounds like this Now that's so interesting that you're getting a ton more action than Regina Frank that was just up here

Can you give us an example of how you get hooked up with so many people What's your game like? I just, I corner them and then I just pick them up over my shoulder and take them home Holy shit, look at that Look at that Hans Kim's going to have a hell of a story next week

I can tell you right now I can see it right now Well Tony, I uh He's just wearing jean shorts for some reason Hey, he's got to come home and something I love it You have such a good energy Tina

You roll with the punches so well So, after you take them to your place, what's like your move? Do you have like a special sexual thing that you do where it boggles people's minds? We had a Pega baby Really? That's why I'm like, I don't have a dick right now I just left it at home

Is this true? Are you just kidding Is this some of this wild Chicago humor where you're like, so I fucked them No, you could ask my hose Really? Jesus This is true, okay Next question, what is your phone number? Shut up! I'm not gay

Shut up! Stop laughing at that Stop it You fucking haters Tina, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? Oh man, I like to cook I like to

Suck dick? Yeah, love sucking dick Who doesn't? Yeah, I know you guys don't, so right What else, other than sucking dick And how good are you at sucking dick? What type of tricks do you do while sucking dick? Like, even as drunk as they are, I can get it up with my mouth

Wow Holy shit This is incredible By the way, there's a glory hole up there on the second No, I'm kidding Oh honey, you can not afford me No, no, I probably can

But according to my business manager, I need to start investing more wisely We have a Tony It shows up on your credit card bill You have a Tina Yukana Well, that's not what my only fans is under

Oh, you have an only fans? No, I'm kidding Very interesting He got real excited with that purple microphone That's actually what my dildo looks like Okay, alright Tina You're wild dude Smells better Oh my goodness Okay

Very interesting Tina How long you been in Austin for? Oh, I'm just visiting this weekend So I'm leaving Wednesday Okay, and what have you done that's fun I did two shows, I did a show at the Alamo Theater The Barrel of Fun

and then the day before I did the Last Stand Brewery I was supposed to do Creak in the Cave on Tuesday but the show got canceled so That makes sense Alright, well Tina, so much for anything else for Tina, Chris No, I thought you did

a good job Thank you If you want to arm wrestle later, let me know Only if you want to get really embarrassed Oh, shit Let's do this, if she beats you she gets to peg you That's it

But if he wins, he gets one of those master blowjobs Oh, who's the loser then? I don't know, there's going to be purple all over the place, that's all I know It's going to look like someone blew up Barney with a fucking missile I love it, man

I just wanted to get Oh, whoa, boys and girls Tina, this is for you, it's a joke book There she goes, everybody Alright, we have another special treat for you ladies and gentlemen This young man won the extremely

desired prize, only two people have ever done it in our history here in Austin Two and a half years we've been here already believe it or not and only two men have ever won a golden ticket here, two humans have ever won a golden ticket in Austin, this is the most

recent winner, it happened last week This is his first time performing as a defending golden ticket winner New Kill Tony royalty This is Aaron Belial The newest member of the crew, he's from Canada, he has cerebral

palsy, he's a mute A motherfucking mute with cerebral palsy He's an unstoppable force We love him here, we've been hanging out with him, ladies and gentlemen for your first time

I welcome you to the wildly entertaining universe of Aaron Belial Make noise for him one more time Are you all ready for a less fucked up comedian than the last one My disability isn't even the weirdest thing about me

The most shocking thing is that I'm circumcised You might be asking yourself Why is that weird? It's pretty common Well it's weird because when I was a baby I was suffocating with an umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and they look

at me and they're like, nope this won't do it all And they looked at me dying and they said, oh no grab the knife, look at that nasty dick Even the priest wouldn't touch it I'm sorry

I see some of you are offended on behalf of the priest but don't worry, he did get to touch eventually Ladies and gentlemen Aaron Belial is here He's the newest member

of the Kill Tony universe Visiting from Canada We're trying to make him an American right now, we have lawyers on the fucking job trying their best We're going to see what happens Oh, is there a development with that according to? Thanks to Kill Tony

I've been offered some opportunities that I can't really talk about and I'm one step closer to being here You're goddamn motherfucking right This is what we do, he made his Kill Tony debut three weeks ago, pulled him out of the bucket He killed so hard, I literally go what do you want, anything you want to be an American, then we had a fucking lawyer

in the front row, he agreed to it and all the wheels are in motion Fuck you, America's got talent Fuck you, American Idol This is the real American fucking free speech Making dreams come true The last of its kind

until YouTube stops us I haven't been doing comedy long but I've been given so many opportunities Thank you to Kill Tony Yes Wow, I love that, giving a lot of shout outs Yeah I didn't realize you were also black

on top of all your other things Shout out to Lil Boosie out in uh Shouts out More shout outs for a guy that literally cannot shout out You keep chirping But everybody says that I look exactly like that guy

from Kill Tony So you're really making fun of yourself That's true Again, I'm not really making fun of your looks, you son of a bitch People tell me that I'm the manlier and less disabled version of Tony I'm gonna be honest

That really hurts That one hurt That one I can make fun of your voice too Oh Jesus Well I can make fun of yours at any given point I wasn't always

mute, I used to sound a lot like you I prayed to God for a long time to take my voice away Holy shit That's like the best joke on me I've heard in a long fucking time I didn't want to sound like

a bitchy lesbian anymore Okay Jesus Christ Oh my god One more one more fucking joke I'm gonna break your right thumb We're not gonna hear from your ass

for fucking four months, alright You be careful I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna play music on your bluetooth You fucking do that one more time I swear to God I swear to God one more fucking joke I swear to God I'm gonna take your bluetooth

and I'm gonna play music on it Yeah That's the song that I want to listen to The song about how it's raining met Aaron It's over here typing God only knows what he's gonna say next

He's hurting my feelings so bad I'm gonna walk like him out of here tonight I'm gonna walk like that after I get pegged tonight What? That's your favorite song, right? Yes, it's raining men Yeah, you son of a bitch I said that

God damn it Yeah, Chris No, it's fucking fantastic This is your first time seeing Aaron What are your thoughts? I think you're fucking great I think your mind is twisted and body in a good way

And it's what we need for comedy And it is incredible You've only been doing it six or seven months It's unprecedented for anybody to be as advanced as you are It's funny as you are, man He's got something loaded up I can just

get this fucking guy He gets a look on his face and he's got something good He's like Alec Baldwin just fucking Ready to kill Ready to kill There we go Nice shirt, Chris

I can't tell if you're a comedian or if you paint Easter eggs for a living True I do have kids, yeah Easter jokes from a guy that hops like a bunny Look out I like that Yeah

I don't hop, I know what you're gonna say You don't hop It's the second Who the fuck is your Easter bunny? Sometimes I think it's coming and then it doesn't Sometimes he looks it up half sent and then fucking goes back

What's that after the anal? You son of a bitch You know what? That's it What's the name of your Bluetooth network? JBL clip 4 I see it written on the side I'm gonna fucking get on it

No, we do I just got word that your citizenship has been confirmed You are the newest resident of Mexico Congratulations Congratulations, Aaron Oh shit, he's gonna get me I should've just fucking

Let him get the last word No, what? Oh, you're good Whatever you want You can't walk, but you run the show when you're up here You know what I'm saying? I trust you

Seven months, right? You jumped into the fucking game Here you are Absolute calling your shots Eight months Absolutely incredible And you're happy? Would you say happier than you've ever been?

Yup, fuck yeah Beautiful That's it, his first performance is a golden ticket winner Another unbelievable set Another unbelievable interview Catch him Thursday If you're in town doing a full length set

here Unbelievable The newest star of the Kill Tony world Legend Make some noise for Aaron Belial one more time, everybody Back to the bucket we go That's the real deal right there

That doesn't happen anywhere in comedy where you see somebody eight months in just being built like a fucking machine Your next comedian goes by the name of Eric Allen Eric Allen, here we go You guys still having fun?

You hanging in there? How many of you did edibles tonight? How many of you smoked weed before this? How many of you ate mushrooms tonight? A bunch of people freaking out Here he is

One more time for Eric Allen everybody Make some noise for Eric, everyone These people all wait all night Sometimes they sign up for months and months and months without getting up Please one more time, make some noise for each comedian This is Eric Allen

Thanks everybody Times are tough It's rough out there, the economy's bad There's a pandemic going on apparently and people are just rude to everybody I think people will be so much nicer if it was legal to kill one person a year

Okay, some of you are with me Think about it You get cut off in the HEB parking lot You're like, hey buddy, I still got mine Now most people would use yours right off the bat New Year's Eve party didn't go so well or

your college football team's blowing the bowl game Your friend Bob a Michigan fan You're like, shut up Bob But most of you would wait until a better time of the year like the holidays Think about how this could

change Black Friday shopping Everybody's in front of the Walmart at 6am Locked and loaded And with a great rush Everybody steps back and says, no, you go first No, after you I didn't want that scooter anyway Here we go

Eric Allen, another bucket pool Eric Allen Hard to follow Aaron Belial Even with a voice box and two operational arms It's very hard to follow Aaron Do your wife and kids know you're doing this? Yes

Are they happy? For this Are you going to get divorced, do you think? No, we're good Where'd you fly in from? Atlanta He's got the brave stuff on Yup, he was brave coming up here tonight

with the material that he had prepared That is for sure What do you do for work? I used to be an aerospace engineer but I quit that about 8 years ago Adult sports company Adult sports company Please explain to us

What goes on in an adult sports company Some people are already laughing Yeah Yes, is it called Pornhub? No, it is not It's kickball, volleyball Cornhole, a bunch of like Adult rec sports

When you say adult Did they do it naked or anything? No, it's just adults 21 and up Do they have special needs? No It's just for adults It's doing well

It's doing well, the company Interesting That's very, very interesting Are you an oath keeper? No Where were you on January 6, 2020? Let's see, I was at home In the Washington DC area

Home of Congress What are your views of America right now The current state of America I'm interested to hear what a guy like you from Atlanta That looks like a real man Just a real old gentleman here Still rocking nikes even though you don't like black people

I like it That's all good I'm just laid back What's your favorite thing about the state of America right now? I'm a big Sports fan, NBA Watch a lot of sports You're very subdued

When I look at you, I think of two words Murder, suicide That's what it feels like with you Probably I didn't do my serial killing jokes Tonight then, probably so How D-madness How long have you been with your wife?

We've been married 10 years in May Oh, beautiful I've got a 7 year old and then 19 From a previous marriage 7 and 19 He's having a kid in 2 months I'll be a granddad Nice white Atlanta trash

I knew it was in you Beautiful Look at that How old are you? 48 Very Puerto Rican It's my family Good for you

This is my second time Second time ever on stage That's good man Where was your first time at? Eddie's Attic Actually no, I've been there I did the Jeff Justice comedy show Back in 12-15 years ago

So took the class Wow, so you haven't been off here In 15 years I did it one time and then this is my second time So this is really your first time? Good for you man Is this something that you just planned for and hoped for? Like did you know you were coming here tonight?

We got the tickets about My brother and I about 3-4 weeks ago Whenever they went on sale and said hey we're coming We wanted to come Your wife and kids are here? No, they're back in Atlanta I It's not easy man

But first time to do it like this I think it was excellent And 48 years old a lot of guys wouldn't have the courage to They'd be like oh whatever My life's almost over anyway But you came out here And you fucking are trying something new Good for you

When do you fly back? Wednesday What are you doing tomorrow? Hanging out, probably getting some food We have those in Georgia So believe it or not Absolutely Got one in Atlanta

What's the craziest thing about your life That you could share with us? Do you have any special skills or talents Or anything that you once did You saved someone's life or almost died Or something crazy, something with your family A little fun fact that makes you Absolutely different than everybody else

Not really Being into sports I did travel I did kickball thing Are you fucking great at kickball or something Like what the fuck is going on How do you make a living in the kickball world Believe it or not I did travel For about 12 years playing

Basically like semi pro kickball What First of all that was the Answer to the question I asked you Two minutes ago Not much, just a typical sports fan I have, you know, Billy Dabbled In making a living in kickball

What the fuck are you talking about I've been to Austin twice Been to Austin twice for kickball tournaments In the past They fucking fly There's one in Atlanta next weekend How much money do you lose Playing kickball exactly

I've made about 3 grand in 10 years Doing something That makes sense Covered a couple of bar tabs Hell yeah, incredible Good Your wife is going to watch this In two weeks

Tell us something weird about our pussy After 10 years There's not much weird It's just normal Did they sew it Titer daddy stitched Did you get the daddy stitch on it Or you pay extra

Nope, just Lucy old goosey Alright Eric, you are a true American gentleman I know you're going to catch this Because you're a professional kickball athlete So there you go That's another joke book from Bonsai There goes Eric Allen everybody

We got to keep it moving here Let's get another one out of this bucket See what happens Alright, another Eric Back to back, make some noise for Eric Biggs everyone Eric Biggs These bucket pools have been fucking aggressively Rough tonight, let's see what happens here

Eric Allen going home With a gel blaster for his 19 year old Here he comes everybody Eric Biggs everyone What's going on Austin How you guys doing tonight Hell yeah, hell yeah I got engaged not real long ago

Don't cheer It's all her fault Whenever I first met my fiance I thought she was autistic Because she kept on telling me How much she loved trains Turns out massive horror So way more fun

I miss hanging out with my dad since I moved here Mostly just because my dad is now officially The age of old white men Where he shouldn't be in public alone You know like he sees Other old white fat guys He chases them across parking lots To see if their Corvette T-shirt means they own one

It's like dad we're in Walmart None of us are employed The only other interesting thing about me I think Is I graduated college With a 3.0 Blood alcohol level Thank you very much My name is Eric Biggs

He's getting out on that laugh very quickly Got a little chuck He's like thank you goodnight Eric Biggs we are having trouble With this bucket here tonight I'm glad to disappoint How long you been doing stand up Four years

What part of the middle of fucking nowhere Are you doing stand up How long have you been playing kickball in Atlanta Blanco Paris Missouri The funniest guy of three people It's a big thing

Absolutely Is that near fucking What's it called the fucking Ozarks? Yeah That's where the rich people of Missouri go to party Where do your people Go to party Texas Roadhouse

Where What's the name of the BP You guys really hang out at a BP I'm as white trash as you want me to be Tell us more Tell us about that We want to know about trash Missouri

We don't want to know about fucking your blood alcohol level We want the real shit What's the white trashiest thing you think you've ever done Or been part of I got lit on fire because I didn't understand Gasoline works You didn't understand What gasoline was

I'm a mechanic too That's the sad part What part of your body got lit on fire Arms, legs, face, neck So I have excuses The reason I look like this You don't have any scars though Just on my hands

You have the American flag tattooed on your Yeah I could have guessed that Hopefully you didn't light that part on fire Because we don't take kindly to that in Texas And that's against the Our fucking laws Okay

So you've been lit on fire Yes sir And you've been doing stand up Much longer than we were hoping That you've been doing it What's your love life like Eric Biggs I'm engaged What does she do

She used to be a waitress Then we moved here and she decided to just sit at home While I chased dreams Wow that's great Get ready to light yourself on fire again Oh my god Very poor is what I'm saying Wow

Incredible When did you move here About a month ago Welcome So what is your actual plan How much money did you guys save For her to be sitting around And you

To be chasing your dreams For a home job So I was able to do that Still here So I work in a call center While old white women yell at me And call me a cunt every day Wow and that's just your wife

Yeah Then I do comedy And women with blue hair call me a cunt You do have the body of a lesbian Were you on stage earlier With jean shorts You want to pet me Daisy pukes

Interesting I want to keep flying through it It was nice to meet you Eric Biggs Here's a little joke book We're out of little joke books We'll get you one next time They get a gel blaster though Available in stores everywhere

Let's do something fun right now Let's get a little Remember that shot that they gave Uma to the heart That's what I'm going to try to do This show right now When I introduce someone who Again, much like Aaron Belial

Is only a few months into this fucking business But we think he's a sensation Make some noise Another set by uncle laser everyone Oh Oh there he is Taking his time Back out he has a bottle of whiskey

The boy's got a goddamn bottle of whiskey He knows how to make an entrance folks Listen here social media is getting Little fucking retarded on What they block The other day I was sitting in traffic And some fucking retard Was in the right hand lane

Hung us all back And I said retard on social media And they took me down Look at me real quick I ride the short bus When I was in elementary And when people were going to regular math I was doing remedial math

In the janitor's closet with people that Walk like Aaron Belial Alright But it's okay for these half-naked women To be on tiktok with their titties And their clam sandwiches Selling fucking CBD oils Delta 8

That's great Yeah not a chance but the other day I subscribed on my instagram to a nature page Where the fucking lions tackle the gazelles Right? And then a couple days later I opened the shit up And they collaborated with some fucking Pocket pussy company

So I'm over there trying to get a beer in line And I see some Asian woman fingering the fuck Out of this fucking pocket pussy Going oh big boy big boy But I went ahead And paid the $69.99 Got a ship to my house red band I got you one too You know what I'm talking about

Love it He's a wild boy, that's Uncle Lazer everybody I Actually do follow that account Nature's Deadly I made it the size of your vagina too dude Oh wow I always knew that you wanted to

Fuck you, you just don't have your hair standing I'm upset So is your time on the show So that they are that in common This is really exciting You fucking hillbilly faggot Whoa Babity

Babity I love it Uncle Lazer let's talk about it You said retard a record of five times In 40 seconds Look I'm trying to get canceled Well you have to have a career first You actually have to You're putting the

I'm going to be the first person to get Canceled six months into my comedy career Hey that's funny you should say that But my Instagram account alone Has more than the kill Tony fucking Instagram account How does that make you feel It's a

It's a show Uncle Lazer How many followers does your show Instagram account have? Cause you don't have as many as I have No but Your first episode on your podcast Didn't have 7000 in the first week I stole this from the green room

By the way that's mine now Okay very good yes you can have the crown royal Uncle Lazer I'm just trying to get him to sponsor me cause every king has a crown Very good absolutely Again more things that were said on the show Nine and a half years ago I love it Uncle Lazer let's talk

About it how was your weekend in Tampa We talked with Hans He said you had a pool party Yeah and I invited this motherfucker to be nice I give back to the community For the fucking Asian autistic kids I do it all the time you know what I'm saying I'm for the children but he shows up

First off in jeans To a pool party He's carrying a box of his t-shirts Like he's like you know that old Mexican man Used to like ride that bike selling ice creams and shit Trying to get him out to everybody And then he brings a drone He got in the pool with his jeans on

With goggles on blowing bubbles Fucking flying that drone up there Just like that It was incredible That is amazing That is so Asian He doesn't want to show his legs also No he had a huge dick in them jeans

So I will give him that It ain't stereotype Asian It's different He's got Kiltony confidence It's a whole thing His hair's thinning too Uncle Lazer's hair is his identity So he looks at other men like

Okay I got you I got you my hair's got more followers than you do Fucking trash ass Fucking garbage human I'm trending though I love it, yes indeed What are you trending on exactly Trending up

Okay, if you've ever wonder what it's like If cocaine took an Adderall pill This is what it's like Like a blob of cocaine did Adderall First off can I say something though Oh shit that chicks into cocaine and Adderall She's ready to fucking Well well well

I think we found Auntie Lazer up there Look at this Chris listen You've been quiet all night I mean I get it you're pretty You're like a pretty girl at the party that pets the dog Yeah I snipe in and out

I bet you're a pillow princess too, aren't you What's a pillow princess? Well they just lay there and make no effort No I'd make an effort I know you do you put them glasses on like What did you take me to your pool I honestly wanted you in Tampa to be quite honest Yeah

Are you living Tampa? No I live here dude I just travel for a living Alright Good man Lazer I've never seen you go Completely gay in the middle of an interview Hey he's a good

Somebody having cancer with a woman And that was too much so now I'm gay It's pretty good man You look like Eileen Wernos The first female serial killer ever You should google Eileen Wernos I know who she is dude You got that vibe a little bit

Charlize there on Like Mad Max Monster Monster Ball Monster's Ball There you go Holly Berry Yep I think Monster's Ball is a different movie

I think Monster is the Eileen Wernos movie That's what it was Monster She used to kill her The people that would buy the prostitute What are those called? So the life of Tony Inchcliffe Yes very good Uncle Lazer

That did not go over I don't know if you noticed I don't know if you noticed God damn How dare you How dare you It's a shame I don't have a little Joke book to give you tonight

No but give me one of them fucking jailblasters I fucked them homeless people up I don't want them washing my windshields Or anything dude What? I did watch, we did have me and a group of friends Hung out a few days ago At a local coffee shop

And a guy asked me When I pulled up there was a There was a A gentleman with a rag And a bottle of Windex And I pull up He starts walking up to my car Which got waxed

Literally the day before And I'm like don't you fucking even think about it Don't touch it We're hanging out later Lazer pulls up He has this guy Windex his entire truck The outside The doors, the tail, the muffler

No, no, no, no, Windex the whole God damn it, here's 20 bucks But he only did the front end of the Truck, right, so the back ends It looked like it had a tan line, you know what I'm saying Like it's white up top and dirty on the bottom I love it Nice guy, I bought

Cocaine from him later that day Uncle Lazer, absolutely wild You are a sensation I love you, the internet hates you But I love you It's incredible But I'm trending Again, I don't think that's a good catchphrase to

Commit to, but I respect The trial process You're very interesting What'd you say? The D-Madness love me now D-Madness is now making fun of you D-Madness has entered the chat I'm taking that gel blaster

We're gonna get you a gel blaster Uncle Lazer everybody Bottle of Crown Royal There he goes Out of control Should we do one more Bucket Pull? Let's see what happens

Alright, you know I've been doing this a long time I've never seen this name before But just something it might got I feel like it's gonna be a good one This is a three name comedian And I think this is gonna be The Bucket Pull of the night

Who knows, I don't know why I'm hyping it up But makes some noise for Chad Mitchell Budgins Or perhaps Rodgers Rodgers Whoever the Chad Mitchell is Chad Mitchell Could be Rodgers, could be Bodgers, or Bodgins

Here he is, Chad Mitchell Hey everybody, how's it going? Dude My name's Chad In case you couldn't already tell There's this stereotype about the name Chad I don't know if you guys have ever heard of it But typically he's a straight white guy

Mid-twenties and a total fucking douchebag And I just want to take a second Set the record straight and say listen Not all guys named Chad are douchebags, okay? But I am, so It's a safe space It doesn't help that I look like Every guy from the Midwest ever

Like I've been working on this impersonation Can I do it for you guys? Okay, this is every white guy From the Midwest taking a photograph Here we go, ready? Turn it sideways, turn it sideways Let's do a silly one, let's do a silly one I didn't know what being a Chad was

For the longest time When one of my boys clued me in on it He was like no dude Chad is synonymous with being a douchebag You're like the good looking confident guy Who's probably going to try and steal someone's girl I'm like that's hilarious bro, like try Thanks guys

Oh yeah, Chad Mitchell Rogers Chad Mitchell Rogers Boy was I wrong with about my instance About that bunker pill, that was incredible Boy, you know I can admit it when I'm wrong and boy I was wrong about you

Why aren't you just up here with cerebral palsy? Yeah We found a cure He fucking shook it off We found a cure, I'll trade him For Aaron Boyle, we'll trade You to Canada so we could have Aaron How would you feel about being a Canadian?

I already have the tuxedo one, don't I? That is correct, you absolutely do Chad, where are you from? Originally Detroit, Michigan Now you live here? No, I live in Los Angeles But I'm thinking about moving here How long ago did you move to Los Angeles? Seven years ago

How long have you been doing stand up comedy? Two and a half years Were you trying to act in Los Angeles? You seemed like you were trying to act Yeah, dude I lived there for 17 years Of my adult life More than that

I actually started doing stand up comedy when I was 8 years old I was like a little kid But I would memorize other people's specials And I'd go do them in a talent show Very cool You're a young Carlos Mencia, look at that Incredible Incredible

Chad, how did your acting career In LA go for you? I'm the kind of kid that Had a Disney Channel appearance at one point And now you're Triple vaccinated and going to die from an enlarged heart Any day now How close am I to correct about all this?

Pretty damn close Tony We did get two shots No, I was on Young and the Restless Big break The soap opera I do shitty YouTube videos with some YouTubers And stuff like that

What do you usually What does your YouTube video content consist of? It consists a lot of me Being a drill sergeant Or a cop, being real hard And giving some other guys a really hard time Okay Is it you and a bunch of white guys?

Yes Alright Are you guys gay? Not yet Right, not yet You pretty smooth with the ladies Chad Mitchell? Yeah, I'm pretty smooth

Did she pass away? No, she's here tonight Did she sign up for the show too? Yeah, she did What's her name? Jennifer Ladies and gentlemen How many of you want to see of his girlfriend's funnier than him?

Welcome to another episode of Is Your Girlfriend Funnier Than You Is the Kill Tony debut of Jennifer Norman, everybody Yes What's up, Austin? We are super excited to be here So My boyfriend and I are here to

apartment hunt I'm beginning to wonder if he's gay If you can't already tell why Every place that we look at, all he can obsess over is how much closet space there is Yeah

I'm like, why, Chad? Because you spend all your time in the closet Again He's a Chad He holds up to his name Also, he prioritizes making sure that our bidet has an outlet

I've learned something about Austin In your apartments here, you guys tend to put your closets on the other side of your bathroom from the bedroom So, now when he goes to the bathroom, I don't know if he's just going to the closet secretly

or shooting water up his ass Wow Wow, I love it when this happens It's going to be an awkward drive home I 100% smell a breakup Wow, Chad

It's coming Yeah, that was, yeah Hell yeah No doubt, the girlfriend just buried the boyfriend on this room Big time The good news is after the breakup's official, I've just

confirmed you will be getting a blowjob from the purple-haired girl, so congratulations Congratulations Close your eyes and hold on tight, my friend It is over Um, man Very funny, great That was amazingly well executed

Have you done stand-up comedy before? This is my very first time What? Unbelievable And wait a second Wait a second, how long How long has Chad Mitchell been doing stand-up? Do you say four years?

Two and a half years Two and a half years Oh my god, are you better than him at everything? Jesus Well Jesus, you're funnier, you're taller It's Chad

It's just, it's never Chad, we're just, I love you buddy but it's just My nickname is Jen the Jack Jack of all trades Wow, that's incredible, name some more things that you're great at We actually met two years ago in LA

but I also moved from Michigan to Los Angeles spent there seven years and now we just applied for our first apartment in Austin today What kind of dancing are we talking about? Well, a lot of commercialized styles So Whoa, wait a second

Wait Whoa Let's give Can we give Can we get a rope for Chad Mitchell Rogers so that he can How many you think we should want Chad kill himself here tonight

This is incredible Is that Paul Deemer? Oh, I thought Paul was playing the in-memorial Marine song Another gay soldier lost

Wow, this is incredible How long have you two been together Right up to that microphone I only want to talk to Jennifer for the rest of the Every question I ask, I want you to approach the mic like you're going to do it and then you back off just like that Let's start here

How long have you two been together? Just over two years This is incredible I love him very much Oh, that's cute That's beautiful Why did you absolutely annihilate him then? He told me to

He was like, we have to write you a minute You're going up there I'm going up there, somebody's going up there tonight But you wrote it though, or did Ellie Page? It was like that This is incredible He's really good at making fun of himself I'm just like really good at executing it

Absolutely There is no doubt about it I think we found your guy's business model He's the writer and you're the performer Incredible This is amazing I love that you out-alphad your boyfriend tonight

Luckily, you're the perfect height to give him a sympathy kiss on the forehead You don't have to bend over Chad You don't have to bend over She's already got you Jennifer, let me ask you this Is there anything that Chad does in the bedroom that you think is lame?

I think it's more so what he doesn't do I'm going to kill myself I'm going to kill myself I'm going to kill myself on behalf of Chad This is incredible This is incredible If you tell me, I swear to God

If you tell me right now that Chad doesn't eat your pussy I'm going to back I'm going to do a backflip into the audience I just want to see you do that So that's not the case I'm in the bedroom that you wish he did Last question, then I'm going to let you two go But you have to answer it honestly

or I'm going to ask five more questions Somebody yelled anal One of the college kids yelled anal I can always go to my college station friends here for a little extra immaturity that red band doesn't provide Is it anal that you want? He does seem like he'd be like, that seems icky

seems like he would say that I think he wants to do that more than I do That's not my thing I do believe he wants to put his penis in a butthole I do believe that Yeah, I think in incorporating more toys though That can be

He does look like a puppet Oh my goodness You guys are absolutely adorable I love how authentic you are Chad, you have a great fucking sense of humor You fucking rolled with everything perfectly Chad Mitchell Rogers And

I'll tell you what, I'll give you both big joke books for being fucking great sports There they go, have a good night Ladies and gentlemen to end tonight's show I present upon you one of the greatest anomalies to ever happen in the history of Kill Tony This man is the longest standing regular

in the history of the show More appearances than anyone else ever More new minutes than anyone ever More interviews than anyone ever Some people call him the Memphis Strangler Some people call him the vanilla gorilla Some people call him the Big Red Machine This is indeed

William Montgomery Wow It really is him Make some fucking noise for the one and only Yeah Man, I bet your fucking stupid ass was on the young and the restless What the fuck was that?

God damn it And just right off the bat Anybody in the front row, I'm sorry I have COVID right now, so I'm sick as shit, so Alex Murdoch's murder trial is winding down on television It seems like if he was going to murder a son

he'd murder the one named Buster and not the one named Paul It was a long weekend this week Hard to trust a Mexican restaurant that doesn't have Mexican waitresses That's like going to a Chinese restaurant and not noticing the obvious signs of human

trafficking I don't know if y'all have heard of this Brian Laundrie guy but I've got a laundry list of reasons why your daughter shouldn't go out with him Do we have any Houston Oilers fans in the crowd tonight

The Houston Oilers are so bad at football they asked to borrow the Astros drum set Okay, the Astros are cheaters at baseball Alright That's about time, how are you Tony? William Montgomery, okay, there he goes

One more time for William everybody asking me how I'm doing to end this set I love it, William Coming up with a lot of energy, I love it Good, are you not feeling good? For real? Yeah, I'm not feeling good and I ate the same mushrooms as Uncle Lazer did

God, what happened with this fucking set? It was fun to see y'all go after each other I was watching that and I was thinking tripping by myself on the side there I was like fuck What a horrible decision this Yeah But it's fun, it's totally fine

How much mushrooms did you guys eat? I had no idea you guys have eaten mushrooms No, I don't know, like some pieces of mushrooms Okay So How often do you eat mushrooms?

It's not often, I ate some this past week but before that it had been some years But Tony I'm excited to announce I've started I don't know if y'all remember Miss Cleo but I've started calling Miss Miss Cleo is back and I have started

calling her again, I've lost a lot of money doing that Tony, it's cost a lot of She literally, it's crazy you mention this because I literally just watched a documentary about her, she's dead Who have I been talking to? Wait, no, no, you're kidding, right? No, she's dead as shit

No, you're kidding, right? I literally, I would never know I'd never would have said a thing but it's so crazy I watched a documentary about her You're really like out of the news this week, you just did a Brian Laundry joke, that was like literally from a year ago

The Houston Astros cheated five eight years ago And the Houston Oilers aren't even a football team They aren't a team They haven't been a team for, I think a decade or so It's absolutely incredible Your

Your time is like, did you go like in a time machine or something? Come back, have you guys heard of this? Thomas Jefferson I like it Wait, hold on, I'm still trying to get over the fact Miss Cleo is not, who have I been talking to some Jamaican lady on the phone

I swear to God Are you gonna stop talking to her? I'm never gonna stop talking to Miss Cleo Oh My goodness No, I swear to God, I'm never gonna stop talking to this Jamaican woman Hold on, what the fuck is going on?

Y'all are scaring me, stop Fuck I'm literally driven, yeah, stop Fuck So what have you in this random Jamaican woman been talking about and how much is she charging you for this? It's ten dollars a minute

Ten dollars a minute? Oh my God, is it David Lucas? Huh? Jamaican woman, I don't know I'm kidding, I'm kidding Absolutely incredible William has been talking to a random Jamaican woman

that Brian Laundrie, we got the Houston Oilers What else has been going on this week, William? I've literally gotten sick, I was with Duncan and Irvine and then San Jose and yeah I couldn't sleep at all last night So I haven't slept at all

Did you do any ketamine with Duncan? No, no, not this time Not this time No, I didn't But yeah, the sets were good, it was all good I couldn't sleep last night and feel sick as shit right now I almost called you saying I couldn't come

but I decided against that What exactly are your symptoms right now? Horrible sinus infection Probably fever Oh, really? I feel horrible, that's why I didn't know I've had this horrible fucking attitude since last night for some reason

I couldn't go to sleep That's not a joke, yeah and then I decided to eat those mushrooms Right before this, I see that fucking dumbass Yeah, they're gonna break up, right? That couple, holy shit It is going to be weird That was so awkward

It's gonna be weird and then he's gonna try to overcompensate he's gonna go to a sex store and come back with some weird shit he's gonna end up being the one handcuffed to the bed because she's just gonna alpha him all the time for the rest of their lives and they're always gonna have this to look back on

she's gonna win every argument forever she's gonna remember that time I bodied you on Kill Tony in your own art form that you did for two and a half years and William Montgomery really playing to the crowd right now, I like it A little bit, yeah, just horribly on edge

Yeah, I couldn't fucking go to sleep last night It was horrible, I don't know what it was I drank some coffee, I did take a little piece of an Adderall, probably four but normally that doesn't affect me but yeah, I couldn't You took an Adderall at 4pm? 4pm, drank some coffee

and then couldn't sleep So I've been up since yesterday morning Have you tried winking? Winking relaxes you, winking at people in the audience William has a special magic trick I have been watching your fucking fine ass sexy fucking Whoa, you talking to this guy right here?

Yeah, look at that guy Wow, he's a cutie down there, I like that guy Absolutely Yeah, he's here from Ukraine Yeah, visiting at war right now Oh, yeah, I think I love you man

Holy shit, I'm not fucking around, I think I love you Whoa, he just gave you the eyebrows This is red man, stop! I wasn't even fucking with you What would you do to this guy if you had the opportunity to take him back to your place? Ooh, what wouldn't I do?

Where would you start? Probably just some simple kissing Probably just some sweet little kisses If you'd let me, I don't know I'd see how far you'd let me go Just some simple kissing Yeah, we'll see how far you'd let me go We'll see how far you'll let me go tonight

Sir, how far would you let William go? Yell your answer out so this mic picks it up Just answer the question, you fucking idiot The college station kids are trying to have him He's a little bit confused right now

This is like when the River King got caught doing steroids right now, he's being awfully silent Would you make love with William Montgomery? All night? Cool, well that's sweet, I didn't know what you would say, I'll take that, thank you so much There you go

Cool William What would it take for you to stop fucking this guy? Probably some Ritz Bits sandwiches Okay, I've been eating a bunch of Ritz Bits recently That's not the answer I was expecting

Yeah, Ritz Bits Ritz Bits? What are these? It's little bits of sandwiches Like cheese, peanut butter Ritz Bits Ritz Bits? Yeah, Ritz Bits Red Band is dying of laughter Our chief snack correspondent

Red Band is dying of laughter right now I've never seen him laugh this hard on this show Ritz Bits But snacks hit him Ritz Bits, yeah, they have peanut butter they have all kinds of stuff they have s'mores Ritz Bits

You think you're ever gonna stop eating Ritz Bits? I'm never gonna stop eating Ritz Bits And I swear to God, I'm never gonna stop talking to that fucking Jamaican lady She is so sweet Maybe next week we'll give her a call on the show Yeah, we should Ladies and gentlemen, William

Lights Out Montgomery everybody The great Chris DiStefano everyone, come on make some noise for him Radio City Musical September 27 East Coasters, get your fucking tickets Let him feel the kill Tony Bump Also listen to Hey Babe

Chrissy Chaos and go re-watch SpeciWeshy His hit special The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in That's all available at RyanJEbelt.com That looks fucking fantastic Look at that, that's a painting of you

That looks exactly like you Chris I look like you Awesome Chris Rogers drew a piece of art tonight Ladies and gentlemen, he committed to drawing Uncle Lazer of all people It's a decision that he made before

Uncle Lazer started his set He probably tried to change it to a William Montgomery 10 minutes ago He's gonna be auctioning that off after the show so any Uncle Lazer fans can buy it My guess is Uncle Lazer is probably gonna have the high bid on that one

Boy's got a little bit of an ego on him How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band? Michael Gonzalez The debut of Zach Person Motherfucking D-Bandis on the bass Matt Mueling Paul Diemer

We love you guys, thank you so much Red Rose, Yellow Rose, D-Betty, Gelblaster Austin Security Guard Service and screwball peanut butter whiskey Red Band Good night everybody, thank you so much Good night Good night Good night

Good night Good night