KILL TONY - #601 - TIM DILLON + ROSEANNE

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

Tim Dillon, Roseanne Barr, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/03/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including the Weekly Secret show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, this is Red Band Company Live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Edgecliff!

Are you guys ready for the best goddamn show of your lives tonight, or what? Yep, make some noise for Red Band, everybody. We've been doing this for almost 10 years together. Very, very exciting. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Gelblaster, Deep Eddie Vodka, and the Austin Security Guard Service. The best security guards in Austin is the Austin Security Guard Service. How about a hand for the band, everybody? That's a screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony Band.

That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums right there. That's the great John Dees on the keys. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Paul Deemer on the horns. And on the bass, the one and only D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. He's here. Everything is cruising for a bruising. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, we're all into different things.

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You know, we started doing Kill Tony here at Vulcan a couple of years ago. This is officially our last scheduled taping here at this venue. You guys are here for that episode. How cool. And we've had many great guests, many well booked shows every single week. I try to be very, very strategic and use my connections wisely and my friendships wisely to book this show as good as I possibly can in a sustainable manner. This week may be my finest work that I've ever booked in my entire life. Ladies and gentlemen, at the same time, I present to you Tim Dillon and Roseanne Barr.

Yes, let's go. Oh my God. Yep. Yeah. This is what you pay the big bucks for people. We're number one. Right there. Roseanne Barr.

Tim motherfucking Dillon. On a Monday night in the new comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas, they said it couldn't be done. Roseanne Barr back for the second time in two weeks. I have to say this fucking podcast is making me famous. This is what we do. This is what we do. We're pushing it all the way. Tim Dillon literally, I believe, is one of the record holders for most appearances in the show's history as a guest.

I fell in love with this man from the first time I met him. We were on a cruise ship together. It's good to be here with my mother. Indeed. Indeed. We are going to have so much fun. You guys have both done this show. You know how it works for those of you that may be visiting with your podcast-loving boyfriend from a faraway land.

Let me tell you, a bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and cuts them off. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised. My guests chip in. Maybe they give some good advice.

Maybe we make fun of the person. Maybe anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Wow. We do have- We do have a few regulars on the show. This is the people that have the very, very tough job of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. It is not easy.

We've had greats do it over the years. Allie Makovsky, Sarah Wineshank, Kim Congdon, a lot of comedians we've built here. Perhaps no one is as- No one has a fucking lighter? Wildly successful as the man that I'm about to bring to this stage right now. All right. We met him when he was living in a van a year and a half ago. Every single week he starts the show with a brand new minute of stand-up comedy.

Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. In honor of Rihanna doing the halftime show Pregnant, I will be performing with five days worth of semen saved up in my body. Thank you. My friend was bragging about working at a PR firm. He's like, I work at a PR firm. I was like, no one cares that you work at Puerto Rico.

Let me know when you get a job at a USA firm. Yeah, doing pretty good. I think... I saw a group of blind people walking around. I was like, how do they meet? They just bump into each other once and remember the footsteps. My friend was like, dude, stop staring at them. He's like, why?

They can't tell. Thank you. Did you say blind people? Yeah. How dare you with deep madness six feet behind you? I love the blind, but... I did see a group of Middle Eastern blind people walking around. I was like, whoa, I need to write a joke.

Were they really... How do you know they were Middle Eastern? You could tell. They were kind of hairy in the Middle Eastern spots on their face. Middle Eastern spots on their face? Yeah. What are those? Just heavy beard.

Just some weird thing going on with their head scarves. Oh, scarves. It was really concerning from a security standpoint. And they were blind? Boy, they got a couple of strikes against them. If only those were the pilots that tried to fly into the World Trade Center, it would have ended up... Two Boeing 747s end up in the Atlantic Ocean today in a stunning turn of events.

Every flight would have been United 93 on that day. Blind Middle Eastern people, what else has been going on in your life, Hans? What have you been up to? I recently went to Rochester and instead of taking a feature, I just took a beautiful Jew and we had sex 17 times. Okay, you might need to make it more clear for people that the beautiful Jew that you're talking about is your girlfriend. Yes, I want to make her my girlfriend.

So instead of taking an opening act, you decided to take your girlfriend. Yes. How were the opening acts? Was it worth it? They were great. Thank you for showing up. Oh, you're pandering to two people you'll never see again in Rochester? No, I have to jump in on the Jew part. I love hearing that. What's it like to have a Jewish girlfriend? She's so amazing.

Like how? She's like... She's really good at mental math. She's really good at figuring out how much the tip should be. Usually zero. That is true. Tim Dillon, you've watched Hans's Rise. Yes.

And what do you think about tonight's appearance? What I loved about it was one Asian guy in the crowd did a black power salute to Hans. I don't know what that means. I think it means stop Asian hate is over and everyone's good now. So that's something I enjoyed watching. I love it. Hans, you get the show started every week. I love it.

We're going to keep it moving quickly this week. Get some of the names out of the bucket. Thank you so much for showing everybody what the format of the show is like. And like that, things get wild. When I reach into this bucket, that means we're going to meet somebody for the very first time. Sometimes it's the return of somebody. You never know what's going to happen. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight out of the bucket goes by the name of Jordan McDonald, everyone.

Here we go. Anything can happen. It might be a genius. It might be the future. It might be an insane person. A minute uninterrupted and then we interview them. This is Jordan McDonald. Austin Texas, make some noise.

How are we feeling tonight? Hell yeah. Any couples in the house, couples make some noise? Y'all familiar with the love languages? Hell yeah, white women already know. If you're not familiar with the love languages, there's five love languages. And we operate from two of these five love languages. I was hanging out with my lady.

She was telling me she took a test, learned her top two love languages. Supposedly, her top two love languages are physical touch and quality time. She was like, babe, you want to take a test, learn your love languages? And I was like, nah, not really. But I'm not trying to argue so sure. She was like, what you mean sure? And I was like, yeah, damn, come on. True story, took a test, learned my top two love languages.

And supposedly, my top two love languages is big booty bitches and weed. I was like, damn dog, this test is accurate. I actually did take my test. Supposing my real love languages are quality time and acts of service. I mean, this chick we actually broke up because she used to beat my ass. I'm not quite sure those were the acts of services this test was talking about. You know what I'm saying? Thank you.

All right, Jordan McDonald, welcome to the show. You've been on before. Yeah, like a year and some change ago has been a minute. Absolutely. You look exactly the same. I love it. Cool. Welcome back.

You're like a black carrot top or something like that. I'm not exactly sure. I'll take black carrot top money. I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that. Absolutely. Carrot top is in Vegas. He is rich.

What do you do for work, Jordan? So I valet park at the women's center up in North Austin. And then I've been doing comedy a lot, like a lot, a lot. Wait a minute. Hold on. There's valet parking at the women's sector. Yeah. I valet park mad pregnant women all day.

Just rich women getting abortions. No. What's going on here? I think we have to ask Rosanne about that. She would know if rich women are getting abortions out here. So what's that like? What are you dealing with out there? It's mostly just pregnant women parking their cars.

I saw somebody's water break in the driveway one time. And bro, that shit was crazy. I had never seen anything like that in my life, real. Oh, shit. Yeah. Did you have to put out a wet floor sign or something like that? No. I just got a wheelchair.

Here you go. You need that. Wow. Incredible. Fantastic. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About three and a half years now. Okay.

Coming up on four in May. And what's the coolest thing you've had happen to you or learned or anything like that? In December, I went on a six-city tour in California with some of my comedy homies that I met out here. That shit was mad cool. I just did a comedy festival in Portland about two weeks ago. The Northwestern Black Comedy Festival. Has anyone ever told you that you look like if someone smushed all the black eyed peas together? No.

Well, now someone has. Is that true that your girlfriend was beating your ass? Yeah. That's true. She was beating me up. I want to hear more about that. I will. Because a lot of men are getting their ass beat up by their women and nobody ever talks about it.

I think you should talk about that. It'll hit a nerve because probably every guy's getting their ass beat at home. I completely agree with Roseanne on this. Can you give us an example of like a time that she really made you feel like a fucking bitch? Alright, so the last time was the Monday before Thanksgiving. It's always around fucking Thanksgiving. Yeah. Thanksgiving.

Yeah. Around Thanksgiving. That turkey is stuffed and battered, you know what I'm saying? This shit is crazy. Alright, so she's picking me up from work, right? And she pulls in and she goes, is that a white girl sitting on your lap? And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And she said from the angle she pulled in, it looked like this girl was sitting on my lap.

I was like, you tripping. Maybe I'm just trying to valet her car. I'm not doing anything. I'm just trying to make a living right now. And so I was like, yo, that's weak, whatever. I'm mad about that. I'm not really going to talk to you like that. And we were living together at the time.

I'm in the kitchen doing dishes, you know, trying to cool out. Wow, she's already got you doing the dishes. This really is an abusive relationship. It is. You better be scrubbing them good too. She black or white? She's mixed. And I had the accent about right then.

Yeah. Yeah. She's both of them. Were she bigger than you? No. No, but now. You know, I'm not about to hit a woman. She's crazy.

So the bottom line is she's crazy as fuck. Yeah, but I attract that type of woman. But that's like real equality. Like picking your dude up from his job at the women's center and then beating his ass. That's bad equality. That's real fucking equality. No, it isn't. That's bad.

We don't want nobody getting their ass beat. So you're doing the dishes. We don't want nobody getting their ass beat. How come you never just hold back and punch the bitch out? That's what I want to know. That's true. That's true. Because my son, you know, I got two sons.

Okay. Okay. Maybe some bitch was hitting on my boy. Okay. Maybe that happened. Maybe I found out about it. Maybe I destroyed that fucking bitch's life. Yeah.

Maybe. Roseanne, I'm going to hit you up. Be like, hey, Roseanne, she tripping again. I need you to come and help me out, yo. You know, I have a theory. But I want to hear about it because it's sad. Okay. Sadly funny.

I'm doing the dishes, whatever. She starts arguing. She's like, why are you still mad? I was like, cause you accused me of cheating. I'm chilling at work. I'm not about to have this white girl sitting in my lap at work. You know, I'm the only black girl that works there. They're probably firing me real quick.

I'm not trying, real tough. You know, I got to be conscious of shit like this dog. I got to be conscious of shit like this. And first she took an empty, empty Hennessy bottle and threw it on the ground. Oh shit. That is not a half black thing to do at all. Are you sure she's mixed? This sounds like a completely black thing to do.

Wait, you got to give him all these lines. A Hennessy bottle filled with coconut water, maybe. I mean, that would make sense. But just to straight up Hennessy bottle. Yeah. And I was like, all right, if you're going to do that, I'm going to just go take a shower, chill out. You know what I'm saying?

Shower. You're like, I'm going to shower baby. I'm going to use the same shampoo and conditioner as you. Or I'm going to fucking scrub up a little bit. And so now she's black girl. She got braids and shit. She don't get her hair wet in the shower. You know what I'm saying?

Okay. Okay. Yeah. I know. Fighters have cornrows usually. Yeah. So I'm trying to take a shower. And she's still trying to argue.

So she comes and sits in in the bathroom. And I'm like, oh, damn. This is what I know. All right. Shit's about to get real. Now you're trapped. And she knows you can't swim. So it's a disadvantage.

Exactly. Exactly. You know, I can't swim. I can't get my hair wet. It gets heavy and shit. You're in the tub with a hair net on. Just almost drowning like Whitney Houston with a mustache. All right.

All right. And so I'm like, all right. You'll, you'll, you need to leave the bathroom and get out. She's like, no, we're going to talk to someone. I'm like, yo, just let me shower. You're tripping right now. Get the fuck out the bathroom. And she's like, no.

And then she starts pushing me. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, you're in the shower still? No, no. I'm like starting the shower, you know, getting the shower ready and shit. Oh, it's warming up. Yeah. It's warming up. I'm building up to the shower.

I didn't get into the shower yet. You got. Yeah. She pushes me before I get into the shower. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, here we go. And here we go. A battle of the Titans.

Balls versus vagina. It went from the bathroom to the bedroom to the closet. Back to the bedroom. Wow. Back to the bathroom. I take a shower. I take a shower. Hold on.

What, Rizan? You're just, she's just hitting you and you're just moving back. Well, she's like hitting me. And I'm like, all right, yo, you need, you need to chill out. And then she'll chill out for like two seconds. Then jump back on me. Yeah. She was pulling my hair.

She was swinging on me. Oh, no. Real talk. Like real talk. You didn't even hit her once by accident. No, no, no. Real talk. No, no, no, no.

Come on. Come on. But I had the moment. I had the moment where I was like, oh, I want to knock her to fuck out right now. I had that thought. And then I was like, all right, I need to chill with this because it's not good. Because once I had that thought, it's like, uh-oh. You're like, I need more soy.

I guess, Rosanne. I guess, Queen. I guess. What was that? What stopped you, though? I mean, that's a master of self-control. Shit. I'm imagining the police coming to my crib and taking me away.

Real talk. You know the vibes here. He got beat up too. That's why you have to kill her. No. No, no. You can't. You have to kill her.

You can't leave witnesses. Now, my life's been like pretty cool the past year. So I'm trying to like not fuck that up. You know, I'm trying to keep the cool shit going. Are you still with her? No. Okay. But that's great.

Oh, shit. He'll be fucking. He'll be fucking. Okay. Well. Well, I'm not with her, but you know. But you can't get enough of that crazy pussy. It's a trap, Tony.

What is it in the bedroom that she does that makes it worth being in such a volatile relationship? Oh, I hate people who have sex. She squirts, so that she does tight. Oh, wow. Good girl. You know. I squirt too, but that's why I wear adult diaper. Wow.

See, that's incredible. Jordan, you already have one of these joke books? Yeah, I have one. Jordan, I'd love to have you on next week on the secret one. Wow. Look at that. He just got booked on a real show, everybody. Thank you so much.

And like that, we're in it. Jordan coming around for handshakes. That's not really part of what you get being pulled out of the bucket. Oh, shit. Roseanne's like, if you want a real white woman, you come over to my place. I swear to God, I'll beat the shit out of you and I'll fucking. There he goes. Jordan McDonald.

He's leaving with a brand new gel blaster, everybody. Okay. Your next comedian goes by the name of Bobby Sanbay. BJJ, maybe. I don't know. This shouldn't have been in the bucket. It's just an ad handle. I don't know if we're even going to get somebody.

This seems like a half written thing. Bobby Sandu. Okay. Here he is. Bobby Sandu, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Good to be here.

You guys can probably tell I'm not from here. I'm an Australian, but my parents, they were Indian, you know, and they had pretty high hopes for me. Like, they didn't want me to be doing this shit. They wanted me to be well educated, have a degree, have a BA, MA, but I got into MDMA. My parents, they wanted a doctor, but they got a chemist. Yep. Yep.

Very good. Nice to be in Austin, Texas. Great place. The other day, I did a bit of comedy in Austin. I was one of these open mics and this bloke, he yells out, he goes, hey, get off stage, your Mexican pencil. I thought it was a pretty impolite thing to say. You know, I'm a guest in this country.

I should be treated well. I said, sir, I'm not, I'm not Mexican. I'm an Australian. And he said to me, what part of Australia are you from? Pakistan. Wow. Look at that. Closing with a joke that somebody made about him.

That's an interesting maneuver. Welcome, Bobby Sandu. Am I saying that correctly? You are. It's the second time I've been on. I was only in Australia once. Oh, which episode? Brisbane.

Melbourne. Oh, Melbourne. Right. Sometimes I forget we sold out theaters all around the world. Sons of bitches. How did that appearance go for you back in home? It was very embarrassing. You said bad things about my parents.

I did. Do you remember any of the things that I said about your parents? Can you remind this crowd? I don't remember anything. I told you I was Indian and you said my parents fucked in the back of the 7-Eleven. I thought I would come up with something better than that, but this is what happens. Are you sure I didn't say 9-Eleven? I get them all confused.

People show it to me all the time. It haunts me. What, you? Yeah. They host you? Sorry. Oh, it haunts you. Okay.

I can't understand your thick Indian accent. I love it. So welcome to the show, Bobby. How are you in America right now? I do jiu-jitsu, so I come here to learn jiu-jitsu. Austin has some of the best jiu-jitsu. Wow. I wouldn't have taken you as a jiu-jitsu guy.

I had you for more of like a drifting type of guy, a guy that likes spinning out in sports cars until you accidentally hit somebody. You ever go drifting? No, I'm safe. I'm just driver. I'm getting the feeling that you're much better at jiu-jitsu than I'm guessing right now. Am I correct? If you come to America for jiu-jitsu, you're probably pretty good.

I'm very committed, you know? Yeah, that's what people that will kill you in five seconds say. That's exactly what they say. How long are you allowed to stay before? It's double. I used to be able to stay for 90 days at a time. Now I can stay for double. So whatever, 180?

Fuckin' Biden. Wow, 180. Look at that. I said Biden, you know. But good job. The set was great. It is incredible. Now, a big tradition.

I wish you'd have a couple more jokes in there by means of explaining who you are, so we would get you sooner. Okay. You see? Like, okay, you say you're Australian, so we're like, huh? And then you say you're Indian, so we're like, what? So I think you should have something to explain to us what it was like to be of Indian heritage in Australia. Get a joke about that.

And that's going to move you to where we go, oh, I get what he's saying. And then we're like in your head, you know what I mean? Like, for example, you could talk about India, being an Indian in Australia is weird, because when you flush the toilet, we don't have toilets in India. You could say that. You see what I mean? That's a perfect Indian-Australian joke. The writer's room is always working, baby.

I wish I could have hired you back in the day. I'm telling you. I fired you real quick. Which country do you like better? America or Australia? Or Texas. There's three countries. Yeah.

Austin's a pretty incredible place. Yeah. But so is Australia. It's really hard to toss it. Australia's home, you know, all the nostalgia, I'll always love that place. You like the people there? Yeah, they're incredible. Some of the best people in the world, for sure.

What type of women is a guy like you into? Like, you seem like it could really be anything, really. You seem like a worldly character. Vegas can't be choosers, you know what I mean? Oh, hell yeah. But with your training, I would guess that you would never, in a million years, let a woman beat your ass all around your apartment, right? In the kitchen, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the bedroom.

Has a woman ever hit you? Yeah. Really? I knew it. What kind of show is this tonight? What's going on? I told you all the men are getting their ass beaten now. Everyone's a victim of abuse.

I'm telling you, the women are beating the men's ass nowadays. I'm telling the truth. There are none but dirty bitches in halls. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. They ain't never fun. Am I right, ladies? Why did the girl hit you?

I was a nightclub security guard. Well, that makes sense. That's part of the job. A lot of guys hit you, too, I bet. Yeah. Did you fuck up a lot of guys? Yeah. Oh, boy.

What was that like? Was that ecstasy to fuck up a guy's fucking face or what? Good for the ego, yeah. Every time somebody comes on with a fanny pack, I always ask them if they have anything interesting in their fanny pack that would surprise us. I'm guessing you have a pile of sand from what I put together inside of that thing. But I'm going to ask...

Oh, that's right. He's Australian. I forgot. There's a fucking frisbee and a donut or something. Did you think he was Arab or something for a minute? Well, he's Indian. But what's the story? How did you end up in Australia?

Your parents went there for... Yeah, my parents... My pop, on the mother's side, he was a sailor. Oh. He sailed on ships way back. And then my dad came as a legal immigrant, but he overstayed his visa. After nine years, they couldn't chase him down,

so they just said, you can be here. Look at that. There you go. That's interesting. That's awesome. Fuck yeah. Wow. Are your parents...

Everyone from Australia is so chill. Yeah. He's like the chillest guy ever. Yeah. It is incredible. I just... I smoked a huge joint. Oh, that's okay.

There you go. I'm not so... Yeah. I love it. You're funny. And, you know, I think if you just let us know a little bit more who you are, I think you can go far. You're funny.

Bobby Sandu, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little joke bug, Bobby. Catch that. You got it. There you go. It's Bobby Sandu. I do believe he gets a gel blaster as well. Ooh, he does.

All right. Let's do something special. The next comedian you're about to see came onto the scene just about a month ago, and we absolutely fell in love with him. Two weeks ago, he won the Golden Ticket, the highly regarded award for people that, in which case, they get to do every episode of the show that they ever won from now on. This is that guy.

This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, from Canada, visiting the most recent Golden Ticket winner. This is Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. You're about to see magic right now for those of you that don't know. Oh, my God. Here he comes. The future American. We're making this man become an American.

You! The fucking real deal. Future, future American fucking. Absolute murder. Always full of surprises. He has cerebral palsy, so he doesn't use his voice to speak, but he's fucking super consistent, super fucking cool. We love to see it.

This is a brand new minute. Brand new minute from the great Aaron Belial. Being a disabled person in a pandemic was really awkward because of my issues with muscle control. I basically choke on everything I put in my mouth. This guy can't definitely relate. Last week, I ate out and ordered soup. Soup makes me feel like a child, a child lying face down

in a kiddie pool drowning in three inches of hot chicken water. Two tables away, I notice that a woman is glaring at me. Our eyes meet and she starts hollering at me. You have the COVID. You're going to make me sick. You need to leave now. Ma'am, I'm sorry. I don't have the COVID.

I have the palsy. It isn't contagious. Well, are you vaccinated? Yes, I am not that I need to be. My condition has social distancing built in. Unfortunately, not in your case. Don't feel bad for me. I've made my peace with being French.

Suddenly, some anti-vax guy sees me and says, Look at you. I knew it. Them vaccines so messed you up. I was like, right. Yeah, I was a track star before I got the vaccine. This is what I'm talking about. The future of Kiltoni, Aaron Belial.

Only his fifth appearance, I do believe on this show. Two appearances ago. You did so good and impressed Roseanne so much that she just fell in love, offered you a mentorship. Super cool shit. This is the first time Tim Dillon is seeing you. How do you feel? What's going on?

Other than your left hand, how do you feel? Shut up, we're friends, you idiots. We really value your question. Please hold while the operator types his response. Cold-blooded assassin. It's fucking crazy. I love it. Absa fucking Lutely.

So, Aaron Belial, you've done it again. You've mixed in talking about your stuff, your condition, your ethnicity of being French, Canadian. You have it all mixed in there. Topical with the COVID stuff. Hilarious all the way through. What else? What do we not know about you, Aaron Belial,

that we might find interesting, that we haven't talked about it? If he says my girlfriend hits me. I mean, I mean, I'm gonna have to leave if that... Aaron, has that woman ever hit you? I knew it, see? It's not right that women are hitting the men, is it? None at all. Very interesting, not.

I've seen, actually, I have seen Aaron out and about. Very social guy, very fun to hang out with at bars. Easy to... My ex liked to choke me. Wow, that's fucked up, man. It's like a hate crime or something. That really is. I have to give you my critique before I lose my thought.

While you are stronger and stronger, every time I say it, this was strong five-star material. Yep. It was hard because I can't say the safe word when she was choking me. That is true. That is true. That's true.

You can't even say your safe word if you're having a thumb war with somebody. It's a little bit of a tough position to be in. That is absolutely incredible. I bet you're great at thumb war, though. I bet that right thumb is a fucking Emmett Smith level. Just bulldozing, just a fucking boom. Just crushes in thumb war, so no doubt about it. I bet he gives the best thumbs up out of anybody.

Tough to be a movie reviewer. Okay. She's said that or something? Oh, wait, what does that mean? Strangely, I've never not understood something that you said. On stage. Oh, she said thumb war? We're really going backwards here.

I think you're jumping back four episodes. You're making a callback to something that happened five weeks ago, I do believe, or something like that. But okay, we're just going to keep moving forward. Aaron, do you have any special maneuvers that you do in the bedroom when you're with the ladies? Is there something you fucking... Seems like you might have a trick or two up your sleeve.

And I know because I can clearly see up your sleeve, so... It's a real straight shot from this angle. You are possessed of Satan. Oh, oh, I know what that means. You're hung like a horse, is it? No, that's red band again. That's what he's saying. It's pretty common.

I think they call it star fishing. Or like half star fishing, half this. Okay, that must be a Canadian sex term. I don't think I've ever heard of that before. How much longer do you get to be in America? Have we found anything out from the lawyer that was supposed to give you citizenship? That's a lot of questions.

That lion motherfucker, he never did ship for you, did he? Oh, he's excited about this response. He just leaned into this one. He said it was going to help him move to the USA. Yep, we have a lawyer. And later, you know, as lawyers do, and he says he'd do it for free, and as lawyers do, of course,

two weeks later he goes, I'm sorry, can't do it. Is there any lawyers here tonight who would do that? Good question. Are there any lawyers in the house tonight? Because lawyers are all possessed of Satan. We have people from Cincinnati, from Florida. Yeah, you might have a Florida lawyer.

It's a rare lawyer crowd here. Very few lawyers or professionals or people that have jobs in my fan base. I don't want to pick a fight with Harvard lawyers, but the difference between me and a Harvard lawyer is a Harvard lawyer can fist you with both hands. Does your mother see that joke? What do your parents think of you doing stand-up comedy?

Canadians can be a little bit weird. French Canadians can be even weirder. I'm interested to know. We should get them citizenship. That's what we're saying. But you've got to fill all these fucking papers and you've got to get a job. Right.

So we've got to get them in at HEB. You've got to work, you've got to work. It's a grocery store. Right, with benefits. With benefits, it's not bad. You load things on and off a truck. I think that in seven or eight years we'll try to get you out of that

and then we'll try to get you in some creative. I did hear that HEB is hiring for a very slow stalker right now. He can sell balloons. They could just tie a bunch of balloons to his left arm and like sit there, dollar each. Thank you, Red Band. What a great contribution. The old HEB can sell balloons.

You should be ashamed. What do you think? I heard the real reason you got banned from Airbnb was because you were doing enemas in the living room. Oh, just taking shots. This child. This child. It's absolutely true.

It's true. Had we gotten up, it's literally, someone can get him citizenship. Absolutely. There's no doubt about it where we're going to relentlessly try. We just figured we'd give the Harvard lawyer that was in the front row.

Just go sneak in across the border. Go down there to Mexico and sneak across the border. Let's help him do that. Would you rather live in America than Canada? Yeah. We've got to get him citizenship. Of course, he would. Canada fucking sucks ass.

They're taking people's money out of their accounts and making them take 19 jabs in the fucking eyeballs of the goddamn vaccine. Fuck you, liberals. Roseanne is here, everybody. I'm telling you what, it's not but a bunch of commie devil worshipers up there in fucking Canada.

That's what you've got up there. Goddamn Castro's son. Fuckin' wants his face as Castro's illegitimate fucking clone of a goddamn son. I like it. I like it. His citizenship hearing. They're like, do you have a sponsor?

He's like, yes I do. Meet Roseanne. Aha. Oh my God. But you know what? Every day more and more Americans are waking up to reality and knowing I'm telling the goddamn truth.

Not about the truth. So help me God. I'm not a lion, goddamn prostitute and whore. I tell the truth. Everything's a bullshit lion. I'll tell you when I knew it, when my kids told me to quit smoking because I was going to get sick from the COVID

so I quit smoking. Two weeks later I had the fucking COVID. And then I read in the papers it says cigarette smoking protects you from the fucking COVID. It's true. That's a thing. Did you see that? It's all a bullshit fucking lie

to get me to quit smoking. Fuck him. Goddamn mother fucking right. Roseanne Barr. All right, all right. Aaron has been waiting eight minutes to respond to a question. Hit it again.

Here he goes. You're just my star. You're better and better. Roseanne doesn't understand the fact that when you start talking you can't stop talking. I told you that. I told you that were you man enough to control me,

but no. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm like... I told you once I get wound up I can't stop especially when I'm taking the adder off for fuck's sake. I'm like every other man on this show.

I'm afraid of being hit by a woman right now. This is incredible. Oh no. I have hit man. Let me... Oh, I bet. Let me have a couple minutes on that. Yes, I have hit man and it was wrong.

It was so wrong of me to have no goddamn self-control with my goddamn anger issues. And I hit him, but I was not as bad as my younger sister because she was a yoga instructor and had a waist and buttocks cheeks which I did not have. With all of us on your side you're going to live in Canada for the rest of your life.

Boy, and I'm not done. But my younger sister actually stabbed every man she was ever with so I never went that far. But I did slap them and especially I almost... I did try to kill Tom Arnold. Poor Tom.

Aaron Belial has now been waiting 11 minutes to respond. Aaron... I gave him my feedback. You're good, you're good, you're good. Hold on a second. He's going to say something. Oh, shit. Oh, he's taking your microphone too.

He's crossing the streams, everybody. Something great's about to happen here. Aaron taking... This is one of those moments that every comedian... That's better be good. I need to put three microphones on the Bluetooth for this and next one.

Here he goes. Texas is already giving me the blind confidence of an American. It's absolutely terrifying. I got accosted by a homeless guy who started threatening to kill me. So I looked at the deranged six-street crackhead ride in the eyes,

grabbed my cane like a baseball bat and I was like, okay buddy, let's dance. Thankfully, Tyra Vera, my gay Latino bodyguard with face tattoos, showed up and beat the guy off. Fuck yeah. Incredible.

Aaron Belial. Unbelievable performance. Unbelievable interview. You bring out the best of everyone around you. You're a fucking icon. It's absolutely mind-boggling to me. What a natural talent you are, especially only seven months in

and fucking chasing this crazy American dream. Everybody loves you. You're a goddamn rock star. Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. You're witnessing greatness. This is the future. This is an unstoppable force. By the way, Tony, he's on cameo.

If you want to check him out on cameo, he is doing cameo right now. Follow him on everything. It's spelled A-H-R-E-N. It's spelled French Canadian because his parents didn't want him to have a big following when he was a baby. Aaron Belial, B-E-L-I-S-L-E.

Again, that's A-H-R-E-N. There he goes. Aaron Belial. One more time for Aaron, everybody. And like that, back to the bucket we go. Some poor, innocent, healthy-bodied soul has to follow that act right now. And you're going to get to watch it. And he goes by the name of Drew Kregel, everybody.

Drew Kregel. Are you guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Drew Kregel. We got movement. Somebody coming? Drew Kregel? Ooh, someone's scared. Is he coming?

Okay, the long walk of Drew Kregel, everybody. Here he is. One more time for Drew. Uh, diversity is deeply important to me. My girlfriend is Puerto Rican, and my cat is a transsexual. Uh, you can blame the vets for that one. I...

Oh, shit, I whiffed that fucking click. My cat is also a racist, but I don't think that's connected to their gender identity. I've had one of these POCs over for dinner. Brave, I know. My little kitty came out just to bite my friend. Horrible. So I connected, contacted the Austin PD immediately

to see if they hire cats. Thank you, man. Damn. Drew Kregel. That was a long walk for a set like that, huh, Drew? We waited a long time for those tiny little legs to kick your way all the way up here. And then you do that act.

I mean, wow, that was just fucking unbelievable. You have the face of a supervillain. How are you tonight? Future Bond villain Drew Kregel. Do I seem funny to you, James Bond? No, you don't seem funny at all. Because of the... What?

Because of the scar? No, no, no. What scar? I didn't even notice the scar until you pointed it out. I was talking about your overall demeanor and characteristics overall of your normal face. Even worse. But yeah, what's the scar from?

I face planted into a bar glass. Into a bar glass? Yeah, I was working at a bar. Owner came up and said like, hey, we're having a party, eat this fistful of pills. I black out. I try and be a nice guy. Someone breaks a bar glass.

I try and help. I face-plant into it. Didn't work out super great for my face. Wow, wow, wow. So you're bad at two jobs. This is incredible. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy for? A few months now.

A few months. What made you want to start this? Just really liked every... I like the idea of making people laugh. This seems like the most direct... Have you ever done it before? Apparently at my own expense, but... But literally, like, can you give us an example of a time

that you made, that you, like, in the moment you said something funny in your entire life? How old are you? 29. 29 years of experience in the field. Can you give us one example of you making a funny? Denver Comedy Works just talked about how, like, gluten-free seemed to be exclusively a white problem.

Yeah. Yeah. Nothing. Incredible. That bracelet you're wearing, is that one of those ones that, like, turns into a rope if you untie it? No, no, not at all. Okay, I was gonna suggest you hang yourself,

but it's not gonna work. Tim Dillon, have you ever seen anything quite this unbelievably... Uh, I mean, listen, it wasn't the best, uh, set. Have you ever considered getting cerebral palsy? You look, cause he looks like he's halfway there. Yeah. You gotta just commit you have bad posture and skinny wrists

if you just bend one back, and then, you know... Bend at the elbow a little bit. It wasn't great. Bend at the elbow a little bit. Yeah, yeah. I mean... Yeah, you can't even do that. You can't even place cerebral palsy.

It's incredible. Absolutely incredible. Drew, you're so incredibly unfunny tonight that I'm wondering, uh, I have a conspiracy theory that people whose parents had a healthy relationship, uh... are unfunny. Are your parents okay with that?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh... Are unfunny. Are your parents happy and still together? Uh, no.

Okay. When did they divorce? Uh, when I was very young. I'm on step-dad number two. Yeah, you should be a lot funnier. This is incredible. This is actually an... You might have just chose the wrong jokes.

Is there a way we can have him do one more joke? Cause sometimes people choose the wrong jokes. That's a good idea. Yeah, it's a good idea. One more. One more. You guys are cheering for it, so... Yeah.

I think we might as well do it. Are you gonna... Are you gonna pull out your Walmart receipt and do another joke for us? I'll try and spitball something if that's all right. Okay, who knows? This could be the one. He's going to spitball a joke and be funny

for the first time in his life on a podcast in front of 350 people. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Drew Craigle. I have a running theory that I think my dad's actually quite good in bed. Considering I have a stepmother, the deal he gave to her was quite strange. He was giving her the same options

that any other man would have given her. However, he was also saying, also here's a five-year-old child I would like you to raise. Was that it? Was that it? Oh, no. Okay, keep going. That's a very long setup, by the way.

That's what the red band was implying. So that's nice. It's nice to think your dad can bring the thunder. Here's the pickle. I am worried that my mom has given the same proposition to multiple men, considering I'm on stepdad number two. So I think she probably brings the thunder in bed, too.

How many you think we should light Drew on fire right now? Yeah. We've been having trouble finding lighters tonight, but I think we have a special one for you, Jack. Here's my two cents. Ladies and gentlemen, Roseanne Barr. You know, I always try to be honest and helpful, because I'm rich, famous, gorgeous, and sexy.

And I don't want to punch down, you know, so I'm going to just give you some eye-to-eye advice. I don't think you were ready to come up here because you didn't even know your fucking act. I think you should go and really work it, really work it before you come back. You know, really have your one fucking minute, like that's the end of the world,

that you can't even get one fucking minute. You know what I mean? It took me a year to get five minutes, because I worked it and worked it and worked it, and most comics are like that, right? So go in front of your mirror, go to, you know, go to little places, and then come back, but know your material,

and shorten the distance between your setup and your punchline. You got good thoughts. Okay, thank you. I appreciate that. Tim Dillon. I would just add to that and say, muscular dystrophy.

No, I'm kidding. Everything Roseanne said is right. You have good, it's good ideas and good thoughts, but I think it's too wordy. Okay. Yeah. Yep. Yep.

And punchline-less. You know what I mean? Like it should be something in which, in which has anything funny about it whatsoever. Here's a little joke book. Can you catch? Probably not. There you go.

Something went well for you in this seven and a half minutes. That goes to Drew Kregel, everybody. Thanks for coming. That scar is disgusting. I can't even read that. I don't even know what that says. Who played that? Because that was my dad's favorite song.

Jovan Afzali. Is that my saying that right? Jovan Afzali. Incredible. Here he is, everybody. Jovan Afzali. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I'm kind of tired of trying to hide it, dude.

It's like I'm an incel, bro. What do you want me to say? And I don't even know really what I'm doing wrong. I'm not that picky with women. Like, you know, you got a little fucking yeast infection. Brush it off where I'm from. You just call it a fucking athlete's pussy. It's fine.

And as an incel, I play a lot of chess. So I've been playing chess around the corner. The other day I played chess with this African guy, and he was like, all right, I was sat down. I was like, you want white or black? And he just looked. He's like, let's keep it simple. And dude, he was good.

He actually, he beat my ass. His strategy sucked, but he played really athletically, you know? His pawns jumped really high, and he actually broke my bishop's ankles, dude. Yeah, so, um... Okay, all right, good timing. There you go, Chauvin of Zolley. This is your second time on the show?

I remember you. Like a thick... I remember you, too. Oh, that's right. I also remember that you immediately, like, responded stuff when people are about to do jokes. I forgot about that. You're famous for stepping on punchlines.

Okie dokie. There you go. Chauvin, this was a much better appearance than last time for you. Am I correct? Yes, I think I thought so, yeah. It went a lot better. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two years. And what do you do for work again? I sell, like, popsicles with the dirty jokes on the stick. That's right. You make your own popsicles in a stunning turn of events. These are the people that make your popsicles, guys that wear sweatpants that look like a bloated Johnny Depp, but like Edward Sandwich hands or something like that,

or... Yeah. Incredible. So, we know about that. What did we not talk about last time you were on the show that you think might be interesting during the interview portion of this show? I don't know.

We didn't talk that much about, like, what it's like to be homeless a little bit. I live in, like, a school, a short bus. I bought it off a dude with Down syndrome, and I've been living in there for a while. Yeah, I do believe he's another one of the regulars that we have on this show. Yeah, he's back in New York.

And, yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's your show. What do you want to talk about, dude? Wow. I literally just asked you a fucking beach ball blow-up question, and you respond with, I don't know, dude, what do you want to talk about? All right, so, I said,

what did we not cover the last interview? You could literally fucking say anything. You could do another joke. You could fucking tell a story. Can I ask you about being an incel, because that's interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

How long have you been such? Probably ever since I started comedy, I've been pretty good at not having sex, too. Has that helped you with your comedy at all? I can't tell. Is that a thing that you guys experience? Like, if you, like, have sex, it makes you less, like, more, like, good at comedy

or worse at comedy? I don't know if that's a thing. It could work either way, actually, I think. Yeah. Okay. Do you masturbate a lot? Yeah, I'm actually, yeah, masturbation kind of runs on my family, so, yeah.

Okay, there you go. See that? What's it like living in a bus? It's not horrible, but it's not really like, like, shitting is kind of, like, sometimes I'll, like, wake up in the middle and I got a shit. I went to the emergency room the other day

just to go to the bathroom, because everyone else is close. That's hilarious. Well, that's hilarious. That's, that's a good one. If you succeed, that's going to be a great story. Yeah. To tell that you had this shit in the emergency room.

You're just sitting there with Jimmy Kimmel. He's like, so tell us. Well, Jimmy, I used to shit in the emergency room while gunshot wound victims were getting stitched up. I was shitting water burger. Yeah, Jimmy, I would talk about it more, but it's your show. What do you want to talk about, Jimmy?

Mother fuckers. Now, I've noticed both times you've been on, you've decided to go with sweatpants with pockets absolutely jam-packed with a ton of shit. It's incredible. Is this like a patented look of yours? Is this what you're going for? I always feel like a little sketchy wearing a backpack,

so I just, you know, get what I need in my pockets and then... Yeah, don't wear a backpack, please. It's a very bad idea. It's not a good idea. What do you think, like, is it so much cheaper to live in the bus versus like just getting a shitty apartment with like a couple of roommates? I thought I didn't have to pay rent.

I forgot all about gas and shit, but it's not horrible. It's like $200 a month to keep it running. That's good. But wouldn't a room be like seven? Yeah, yeah, but I don't like, my popsicles don't sell that great, to be honest. What are the popsicles? Why are you making popsicles?

What happened with that? I want to know what they're like. I love popsicles. I mean, you kind of basically... Rezan, I'm not going to let you try one of his popsicles. I'm not going to be the one. Oh, did you hear what happened to Rezan? Oh, she ate a bad popsicle.

I'll let you drink, I'll let you smoke, but you ain't having one of this motherfucker's popsicles. So you just started making them? No, I ate popsicles, too. Do you make them different flavors, like coconut? What's your best one? Pink. Pink.

Pink. Wow. What flavor is that? I don't really want to give away my secrets, but I respect you guys, so I'll do it. I'm going to tell you right now, you are really safe. Yeah. If you think we're...

Put away those secrets. If nobody in this room is going to start making popsicles from the retarded kid boss they live in. Yeah. That's no one's life plan right now. All right, well, okay, so I used to try to make them. The kid with cerebral palsy is like, thank God I'm not the guy that's on stage right now.

You know those little fun pops, like the tubes? I just cut those and I pour them in, so I don't really... I used to make them real fancy, make these Indian mango, kulfi, creamy popsicles, but stop. And where do you sell them? Where are you... Where do you... Out of your short bus, is that correct?

No, I don't sell them out of the store. I make them in there, or I'll make them at a friend's house or some shit, and then I'll package them up and then I have a little sealer. This is all their shit in Austin when it's like organic, locally grown, it's all made in a bus. No, but where do you sell them? I usually go to like the college,

because sometimes there's like hot college girls that'll like, you know, pretend they want to blow you for a popsicle, that's a... Oh my God, that is, you are frightening, dude. How much? Sorry, sorry. How much do they cost? Two dollars.

Per popsicle? Yeah. When you talk to your parents and they say, what's going on, do you tell them? They honestly thought it was a good idea, but I don't think they really thought about the logistics of like, like, yeah. They thought it was a good idea?

They're like, oh, that sounds like creative, I guess, but... Well, there goes Jovan, leaving in a short bus for Austin, Texas. He's got two pairs of sweatpants and a popsicle-making machine. You said something really interesting, no, that was my, I'm not getting rid of you, that was my impression of your parents.

I got you. Jovan. You said something really interesting, that you buy other popsicles, melt them, and pour them into your popsicle machine. Did I catch that correctly? Did you say that at one point? Please tell me, because I have a hearing problem,

and it's one of those moments where I'm really hoping that, like, the monitors aren't pointed the right way, and I couldn't have possibly have heard you say that with the $200 that you need to make a month, selling popsicles at $2 a pop, that your business model consists of you buying other popsicles from other places. Your deductive reasoning is very good, Tony.

Wow. So let's talk about this, because this is one of, I'm here with two of the most successful comedians on Planet Earth, and I want to know, how much perp, how much perp, because you have to buy better popsicles to make your fucking popsicles. So now I got to know, what is your margin?

I learned this business model term recently from my brilliant friend Kyle. I want to know, what is your margin of profit? They cost me, like, $0.17 each, and then, like, with the stakes and the packaging, and I sell them for $2, so if I could get my numbers up, yeah, I'd be doing all right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about per fucking popsicle. You sell it for $2, you sell it for $2, but how much are you really making? Have you done the math on the packaging and the other popsicles that you have to buy to make your popsicle? I'm going to say no. I'm going to just do a wild guess here.

There's not, like, graphs and charts in the bus with, like, marketing budgets, and... This business model is incredible. Welcome to another episode of Retarded Shark Tank, everybody. This is incredible. Oh, that's the Shark Tank music. That man's on the money right now. Wow.

All right. Okay, so then maybe this is a good chance for, like, advice. Like, what would you do when you were a young comedian and you didn't really, like, have any... Would you get a job or would you just, I don't know... I got a job in the comedy world, and I started writing jokes and offering them

to people that were more famous and had the money to buy jokes. I tried to stay in the field of comedy and the point when I was starting my career was I, like, maybe popsicles is the fucking thing. I could just sling popsicles. Can I put dirty jokes on the stick so it's a little comedy? No, that's cool.

It feels like your life is so much harder than just... Let's hear one of the dirty jokes he puts on the sticks. All right, well, they're like popsicle jokes, so don't judge me if they're not, like, the most original or creative, but it's like... Whatever you do, it's going to be better than the last guys. It goes, well, one of my favorites is, like, why did the Tomcat go to prison?

Because he got caught watching Kitty Porn. Yeah. That... Listen. Listen. Okay, okay, okay. It's a fine joke. It's not worth being homeless. Like, there's no... Dude, just get a job as a bar back, a waiter.

Get a couple of roommates that are maybe comedians or whatever living like a shitty apartment. I feel like your life would get so much easier. The jokes on the popsicle... I want to give him my advice. You know, because I'm giving you advice as a mom. Okay. Or grandma, you know.

Because that's how I see you. You know I love you. Okay, thank you. And you remind me of my grandson. That's sweet. How old are you? I'm 21. That's what my grandson is, too. You look very much like him.

And so I'm going to tell you, like I told my grandson, your mother has been a bitch since the day she was born. Oh, no, wait. I forgot. Not that. No, I'm sorry. Not that. Not that. Oh, not that. I forgot about that.

I said, I've known her all her goddamn life and she's never been nothing but a dirty bitch, so don't you take her shit. You come and live with me. But anyway, here's what I'm giving. But this is a whole different situation. You're not living with my grandson. I'm not done, because I'm going to tell you the truth.

You're funny, you think funny, and you've got all the elements that you need to put it together. I think you need some more thought in putting it together. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, that's like a... Focus. You need more focus, because there's a lot of funny in there,

and you need to... Here's how it goes. Premise punchline. No popsicle. That's right. I agree with you a lot with the focus. I've been trying to get like... Are you Jewish?

My grandma was, so I think maybe... I don't know if you heard his popsicle business model. This motherfucker is not Jewish. He's making 17 cents on the popsicle, Roseanne. I tell you, I knew it. A lot of people don't understand that the Jews have a lot of issues with focus, PTSD, and a lot of this kind of shit,

plus mental illness, ADHD, and obsessive-compulsive disorders. And the Holocaust didn't help at all either. Well, I didn't help. It must have sucked to have ADHD in the Holocaust, something like... That's a good premise. That's a great premise.

You see what I mean? Get a punchline for it, bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got great premises. Yeah, your cell was good. The fucking in-cell is the greatest premise of this century.

I've never heard, hey, as a woman, ever beat your ass. No, no, no. Maybe that's the problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody who's been battered has been kind of killing.

Javon, you got a small jokebook last time, huh? I got a big one. Oh, okay, perfect. Then you're all good. What are you going to try to sell this, like a fucking popsicle? Thank you, guys. Have a good one.

There he goes. Javon Afzali, everybody. Let me see if he responds. I was so confused. Didn't he buy a 12-cent popsicle and then sell it for $2? Thank you. He made a lot of money, right?

This one was yours, too, though. You can have both of them. Back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? Yeah. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Oh, you guys are ruthless tonight.

Sebastian Bortolomio. That's a new name. I'm excited about this. That's a good, powerful name. Sebastian Bortolomio. It's a long walk from obscurity here tonight. Here comes Sebastian Bortolomio. Make some noise for him.

Good night, everybody. How are we doing tonight? I'd like to thank you all for being here tonight. You guys are making dreams come true. I think you guys are more selfless than we are. We're all very selfish people. I mean, you're here supporting a dream and you're okay just sitting down and listening.

There's not too many people who listen. You know what doesn't listen? Tim, this motherfucker is a rager, you know, a roaster. And tonight I want to roast him. He's one of my comic heroes. Your motherfucker. Not literally. We all know you like to fuck men.

Yeah. And that's honest. This entire medium is very honest. You know, I want to be honest tonight. Rosalind, I've never seen you before. But you're romantic. You're romantic. Thank you.

I am too. I wear two watches. I'm a cowboy. I shoot from the hip. So does Angela. I met her. She's getting away good. I hope she goes up tonight.

I met Derek. Wow, Sebastian. In a stunning turn of events. I had such high hopes because he had the tie. Yeah. And Roseanne goes, he's dressed for it. Yep. He's got the name.

He's got the look. He's got two watches. Yet he did not make time to write a single joke. He didn't write any jokes. No jokes at all. I didn't say my name. My name is Sebastian Bartolomeu. It's Italian.

I know you want to hear stories, Rosalind. Let me tell you a story. Sebastian, your time is up. I don't know if you know the format of the show that you're on, but now you're fucked, buddy. It's in our hands now. So how long have you been doing stand-up, Sebastian? Yesterday was my first night at Creek in the Cave.

I love it. Okay. Do you live here in Austin? I just recently moved. Where'd you move from? I moved from, I'm from both valleys. I'm from Los Angeles and I'm from South Texas. 956.

Remember that number? Wow. 956. Remember that number? What is that? The airline you're going to fly into a building or something? What ethnicity are you, Sebastian? I'm trying to figure it out.

Well, my mother's from Monterey. Is anyone from Monterey? From where? Wait, from where? Sebastian, stop trying to do fucking crowd work right now. You bombed, you ate it, you failed. That's how you're going to think about it when you wake up in the morning. Work tomorrow.

So your mother is from where? Answer the questions cleanly and concisely. Monterey, Mexico. Okay, there you go. Mexico is the answer we were looking for. How about your father? Los Angeles. Okay, so Mexico.

Very good. All right. So you're Mexican, but you want to be Italian. My great grandfather was Italian. So that's a yes. All right. What do you do for a living, Sebastian? A couple of people know I'm a marketing development representative.

Oh, God, you're possessed of Satan. Yeah. Yep. This is like if Sebastian Maniscalco developed a crack addiction for two years. Yeah, it really is. This is incredible. Sebastian, tell us a redeeming quality about you. What's something likable?

Look out in the audience instead of looking out at us with a fucking death stare of a future serial killer and tell us straight across Sebastian right there. Yes, like that. Welcome to show biz. Tell us something that will make us like you. I'm very genuine. That's usually the response. Are you good at anything?

Do you have any special skills or talents? I'm a storyteller. I bet you are. It already seems like it. Unfortunately, you have no stories in less than a minute. Okay, Sebastian, you're giving us nothing to work with here. What's shoved in your front pocket there of your jacket? I made this while I was waiting.

It's my business cards. Okie dokie. What's his name? Sebastian Bartolomio. Sebastian, I'm going to break. Bartolomio. I bet. Sebastian, I'm going to break my rule tonight.

I love breaking rules. You thought it was going to be easy, didn't you, bitch? All right, dude. I bought a Lexus today. What? I know you like Lexus, Tim. Well, it ain't easy. It ain't easy at all because you've got to have material which you don't have.

And you have to have timing which you ain't got. And you've got to have something besides swagger. Yep. So go back to the drawing board and try again. Don't give up. Keep trying. Go back and start again, baby. Killer advice.

He doesn't get any better than that. There he goes. Sebastian Bartolomio. Sebastian. Sebastian, here's a little jokebook. Oh, shit. Tonight is not his night, folks. It is incredible.

Nothing worse than when they dropped the jokebook. Somehow it's cool. That's the first time I've ever said that kind of nasty. Yeah, well, that wasn't nasty. I don't think. I think that was on the money. It seems mentally, you know. Well, he's got a lot of swagger because he works in PR.

PR ain't nothing but bullshit. Well, this is a tricky one. Remember when Bill Hicks used to say, if you're in PR or marketing, you need to go kill yourself right away. Please take your life, your own life, and save the human race from yourselves. Remember Bill Hicks said that.

And he goes, I know you're going, oh, he's a funny, funny guy. But no, I'm not kidding. I'm serious. If you're in PR or marketing, please take your own life and remove yourself from this planet. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Salvador de Santos, everybody.

Salvador de Santos. He's coming. Here comes Salvador de Santos. Yes, Salvador. Fuck yeah, here we go, man. Fucking hate in middle school. Anybody here got bullied in middle school? Yeah, fuck yeah.

Yeah, I didn't. No, I knew what the fuck to do. This is what I did. They used to come up to me and they go, I'm going to fuck you up all I would do. Chest up, chin up. Look, I'm right in the eyes and I would go, what else are you going to do to me?

And then they didn't do shit. They would get really angry. Then they would question their sexuality and just walk away. The quarterback of the football team did call my bluff. He comes up to me and he goes, I've heard about you. And I was like, mm-hmm. I'm going to fuck you up. And I was like, what else are you going to do to me?

And he goes, whatever you want. That's all I had. So I fucked them. Don't fucking judge me. It's not gay if it's for survival. I learned in middle school that if I ever go to prison, I'm going to be okay. All right, thank you.

Salvador de Santos, look at that. A real set, a real minute of stand-up comedy. Well performed, well executed. Salvador. Great. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years.

I love it. I've been watching you since you were the catcher on the movie The Sandlot. Very, very good. Seven years in the game. Where you been doing it? I did it in LA for four years. And then I moved to Dallas for a couple of years. And I've been here for two months trying to get some jobs.

Hell yeah. Well, you're right in the right place. This is it. This is where to get seen. I love it. So two months here in Austin, what do you love about Austin? Well, when I moved from Mexico City, I moved to San Antonio. That's all my family's here.

Yeah, exactly. I believe you're related to the last guy, even though he thinks he's Italian. No, no, no, no. In Mexico, we're called my penejo. That's right. I know. I know. I know.

Many, many, many Mexicans have called me that word. I know exactly what that means. I'm not. I love it. Salvador. Yeah. Seven years is a stand-up comedian. Two months here in Austin.

What's your living situation here? So I got my own apartment. Right now, I'm working at Kirby Lane in the morning. So it's a breakfast place. Yeah. Just so I can stand up at night. Hell yeah, dude. You should come see me and tip me well, because...

Please, I need to make a living. Yeah, so you're a waiter there. Yeah. I love it. Okay. So you're making a living. You have your own place. Yeah.

What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? God damn. Think about it. I'm kind of broke, brother. Like, I want to tell you something cool. Like, dude, I... So describe it. Is it mostly empty?

It's mostly empty. So what is inside of it? There's Coke Zero. Yes, the Fat Man's Coke. I love it. Oh, yes, Red Band's a big fan. You guys think that that's, like, healthy for you or something. Oh, yeah.

It's like water. It's got zero calories. It can't possibly be a chemical that keeps you fat in it. There's a big... Dude, there's a big fucking joke in Mexico. It's like, I'll take 15 tacos, four tortas, two hamburgers and a diet coke. I'm trying to watch my way.

Yeah, exactly. I have it because usually after a long day I drink tequila with Coke Zero. It's a weird thing. That's a weird combo, dude. Not in Mexico. It's called a Charro Negro. Incredible.

Because I'm Mexican. Yes. Absolutely. Do you know what that song is called? I'll give you $5 if you can tell me what that song is called. Mexican Hat Dance. No, they're the actual name. Well, that's the white way we say it.

Yeah, I know. And I am in your country. I better shut the fuck up. It's on Spotify. It's Mexican Hat Dance. No, no, you're right. It's El Carabe Tapatio. Oh, wow.

I just saw Michael Gonzalez get hard as a rock over there. That was weird. I guess we found out. There he is, stroking the wood. Salvador de Santo. So tell us more about your life. You're so good at this interview portion. It's incredible.

So I want to know more about you. Can you tell us some more about the great Salvador de Santos? Yeah. So I'm born and raised in Mexico City. I moved here when I was 11 years old. Here's my biggest regret. The only regret I have in life. I got my BFA in acting in a school that doesn't exist anymore.

So that's why I'm doing what I do now. At a school that what? That doesn't exist anymore. Oh, my God. I did a bunch of theater when I was a kid and everything. And then I always wanted to be an actor. And then funny enough, I wanted to study film. That was like my biggest thing.

It's like, I want to do film. And my mom was like, no, I think you missed the stage. So you really are gay. You know, don't tell anybody, please. So you're really good at stand up. You're a killer at stand up. I thought it was really brave of you to come out as homosexual on stage. I think it's a little bit in everybody.

You know what I mean? It's him and the guy with trouble pulls you at the two. There's jail gay and then there's out. It's not gay fit for survival, like I said. I thought that was very brilliant. Thank you. I appreciate that. Salvador De Santos, what's your love life like?

I'm dating. I'm dating. Oh, man. So she's 23. I'm 31. It's it's it's a little. Yeah, I look. Oh, fuck you.

It's good. It's good. What are the negatives? What are the positives? She's 23. You know, it's like a different. Can you describe why 23? Well, so she's I think we're discovering that she's autistic.

Her words. Not mine. Say it again. She's autistic. Well, she's just realizing it. It just came later in life. And so she's very emotional sometimes. And so, but she's she's actually amazing.

She's extremely intelligent. She's she's just watching this and I'm going to get so much trouble Tony. Give us. She ever beat your ass. No, actually. Here in the Mexican household, that's just a regular mother. You know, it's just love. Right.

You know what I mean? I'm going to go. Thank you, baby. Right. Right. Right. Right. So in the bedroom, what's it like being 31 with a 21, 23 year old?

Wow. I mean, she's phenomenal. She's great. She's she's she always she's always down. She's amazing. She's it's always going. There's no like I'm tired. You know, it's she's great.

She's she tried to eat off all your plate. Like always take bites off your food. Look at me. No. Right. I'm doing the eating. Incredible. Incredible.

Salvador, very, very, very good performance. Thanks for coming up here. This is my second time here, by the way. Oh, really? I did it at the comedy store like in 2018. How did that go for you? Was that, you know, not as good as this time. Right.

Yeah. I love it. Well, that's one of the cool things when people come back, you get to see them get better. Salvador De Santos, thank you for swinging by. He was on at the comedy store four years ago. You guys ready to fucking put a ribbon on this thing or what, huh? Or you think we should go to the bucket one more time? Let's do one quick one and then we're going to fucking.

Oh, we haven't had a female. Good point, Red Van. There has been no females yet tonight. So I will keep picking until I find one. I got one. Ladies and gentlemen, Mallory Raquel, everybody and Mallory Raquel. Let's see what happens here. Here she is.

Everybody makes some noise for your first female comedian of the night, Mallory Raquel. Thank you. Thank you, Vulcan. Wow. What an honor and privilege it is to be for you all tonight. So I am Mallory Raquel. I am a bartender slash comedian slash cannabis addict that moved here from Denver, Colorado.

And between Denver and Austin, I've tended bar for so many white men that I've definitely met a serial killer by now. You know what I'm talking about? Sometimes when I'm at work, there are men that I make eye contact with on the other side of the bar and I'm like, my God, I really hope they don't know which car is my car in the parking lot. You know, I'm talking about ladies. I just worked a 10-hour shift.

I'm not trying to fight for my life. Being that I'm in the service industry, I don't have insurance, but I do have autoimmune diseases. That's been a treat. I was diagnosed with celiacs and Graves disease last fall. And I am doing better since I swore off gluten. But I do have some symptoms to deal with. My favorite symptom is weight loss.

Last week, my friend said, hey, Mal, you're looking thin. And I was like, oh, thank you, Courtney. I'm really sick. Really, really sick. Thank you. There you go. Mallory Raquel. Welcome, Mallory.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two years. Two years. Okay. All of that here in Austin? Yes. I did do it a little bit in Denver. Then COVID happened and we moved down here.

Who's we? Me and my husband. Okay. How long have you been married? Oh, nine years. Nine years. What does he do for a living? He is a prep cook.

A prep cook? Okay. All right. So you're a waitress? I'm a bartender. Bartender. That's right. And he's a prep cook.

Do you guys work at the same place? We do. Oh my goodness. Look at that. There's some nasty shit going on in that kitchen, huh? You know. And according to your autoimmune disease, there's nasty shit going on in the bathrooms too, I guess.

Celiac disease is no joke. That's basically a full-time shitting disease. Is my correct? I mean, it is if you eat gluten. Yeah. Right. Okay. So can you give us an example of how you have weaned yourself off of gluten?

I mean, it's not the most convenient thing in American food culture, not to eat gluten. And I do feel like an asshole. Of course, I have jokes about it. But, you know... Do you feel like a shitty asshole? I fucking did, dude. Right.

Actually, I work... It's a celiac joke. Rosanne just gave me the look of disappointment that my mom never gave me as a kid. Who doesn't love a just poop joke? Just fucking... I didn't even know what that felt like until right then. Poop humor always plays.

But, yeah, no, I've... Red band. Come on. Thank you, red band. Thank you. I'm giving red band the same look Rosanne just gave me. I'm not gonna count on red band. Don't touch me.

Well, you know, just fucking eat meat and vegetables, and like, you'll be healthier. Okay. Mallory, you've been married for nine years. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? Ooh, it's a good question. You know, I actually have a butt plug that I'm afraid to use, but I feel like that's on the horizon.

Red band. Put the fart... Get the fart board out of there. You're allowed one fart per episode. It's always been that way. You know that. God damn it. You know.

So you have a butt plug that you're afraid to use? Yeah, just a little like, oh, it hurts. But, you know, we're working on it. We're working on it. Spice it up. We met when we were pretty young, so now that we're like 31, so we're getting to that time where maybe we need to change it up.

We're not gonna spice it up. Spicing it up is hard to do when you have celiac disease. It's a risky, very, very risky thought. Man's not wrong. Man's not wrong. Okay. Very, very interesting. So two years you started in Denver.

Oh, what's the Austin scene like for you compared to Denver? Honestly, it's been great. I mean, it is kind of saturated, but I mean, you all know that. Just meeting people, making friends, and taking the opportunities when they come my way. I've done a lot of shows around town and also in places that you've never heard of, I'm sure, in Texas.

Right. Absolutely. I'm sure. Another female stand-up comedian that started in Denver, one of the greatest of all time, Roseanne Barr is sitting right here. Roseanne, talk into that microphone. Give her some.

Yeah, I started at the comedy works also. Amazing. Yeah. That was like a million years ago, though. It was in the 80s. Time as a construct. Huh? Time as a construct.

That's true. I went on stage there in 1980, the first time. Fucking hell. And well, I was going to say, I think you're funny and you have funny ideas and some funny jokes. Thank you. I think you need work on your construction of the joke. OK.

But you have a lot of good premises. And they're original. And you deliver it like comfortable on stage. Thank you. Yeah, she is. I really appreciate that. No doubt stage presence is the thing that stood out, indeed, for you, Mallory.

Congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Thank you. Can you catch a little joke book? Ready? There you go. Mallory Raquel, everybody. All right. This is it.

It's that time. We have one final regular, one final comedian, the man who has done more sets than any other human in the history of the show. A new minute every single week for about fucking half a decade now. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Guerrilla,

the one, the only, William Montgomery, everybody. First and foremost, Roseanne, I have to be honest. I also tried to kill Tom Arnold at one point. The WCW called, and they want me to become a professional wrestler. My finishing move is called the Crop Duster, and I don't want to spoil anything, but let's just say, can you smell what the Big Red Machine is fucking cooking?

Y'all know I've been born! Horses in rural South have almost no access to abortion services, particularly black and brown ones. Love how they add that word. Just say abortion. I mean, what other services do they offer? Can I get my fucking pussy detailed while I'm here? For once, I want to see an action movie where the hero is a

flat black woman and she battles her arch nemesis. No good men worth a damn. And then also, I brought a fortune cookie. Let me just see what this fortune cookie says. Wow, the crowd goes wild. The CDC has come out with a study that says it's good for your health to ejaculate at least 26 times a month. That must make Red Band one of the most healthy people in the

world. Yeah, he constantly is jacking off. He's nasty. Okay, that's my time. William Montgomery with a new minute, 55 fucking seconds. What a thunderstorm as always. You can always count on them. Full mind, full body.

Absolutely thunder and lightning. How do you feel, William? I'm doing so much better than I was last week. I literally hadn't slept all of Sunday and then I took some mushrooms before the set and it was a horrible, horrible hellscape. I was, I cried someone. I got back to my apartment.

It literally was a nightmare, but Tony, I've actually gotten the call. I'm going to be working at the fairs for this coming fair season. I've been guessing people's ages. I've gotten really good at guessing ages. This is something I want to see. Do you just, do you just point at people and guess their age

or is this a thing? Yeah, here, let's, you are 32. 32 years old and now. Yeah, 32. You piece of shit. He responded. 32. He responded with a middle finger and a hard head shake.

No. How old are you, sir? 31. Whoa. 31, pretty close. Who else? Who else? Okay.

Oh, how about this Asian guy? Asian guys are tough. Man, you got to be 32. How old are you? You're 32, right? Oh, he's guessing. He's 32. Wow.

He's saying no with his hands and his face. Okay. How old are you dumbass? 34. 34 still. Still a pretty good guess. Okay. Who else?

How about the cool black guy over there, right there? Black guys, black don't crack, they say. If you say 32. You're 35. Uh-oh. How old are you? 32. He's 32.

Everybody. God. One of the angriest age guessers. Yeah. One of the fucking fair people is here tonight. I shouldn't have fucking done that. You're showcasing your fair talents. How about somebody up in the balcony tonight?

Okay. The young lady there, you must be your 33. How old are you? 33. 33. Go. Holy shit. This is incredible.

This is absolutely incredible. Yeah. I shouldn't have invited the fair manager guy here. This is, I've gotten some right, but. Let's try somebody a little bit older. I see this guy out at every show right there down the middle, right down the pipeline there. How about that guy?

56. 56. What is your actual age? 59. Wow. This is incredible. Pretty close. Now, is this something you think you're going to be doing for the rest of your life?

Pretty much. I think so. I think I'm going to join this fair. I think I'm actually going to contact the guy who makes the popsicles out of the melted other popsicles. That's genius. I was just thinking, that is a fucking genius. When he was up here with the sweatpants, holy shit.

It's pretty wild. So this is something that you think you're going to do forever. You're never going to. Yeah. You just always going to do it? Yeah. I'm feeling in the creek. Don't rise.

I'm going to be doing it for the rest of my life. I'm probably never going to fucking stop guessing people's ages. I swear to God, nobody on this earth is going to tell me to stop guessing these hoes. Because I can't. Tony, I'm actually still sick. Is there literally a doctor here? I swear to God, I'm still sick. We need to find a doctor here.

I need some sort of antibiotics or something. Tony. Is there a doctor in the house Asian guy? Are you a doctor? What's going on here? You are? Okay. He's mad at you for guessing the wrong age.

So I don't know if I would take what he's given. This guy looks like he's got his degree at a lab in Wuhan over here. Might be a little bit tricky. He actually called me today and said that all his snot is like coming out of his nose and it's green and yellow. Oh, great. That's great. Thank you, Red Band.

Yeah, why would you bring up our personal conversations, you fucking idiot? Seriously, Red Band, don't be fucking bringing up our personal conversations on this fucking thing you dumbass. I'm sick as shit right now, you idiot. I fucking spit in your drink earlier, Red Band, so you're probably going to be... Let me ask you something. When you give Red Band advice like that, do you think he's going to take it? Do you think he's ever going to stop messing with you?

I don't know if Red Band's going to stop. He is going to stop if he's six feet under if he keeps taking the testosterone and not moving around. Red Band, you could die soon, man. You look who is fucking nasty as ever. Oh my God. I'm kidding. Wow.

Just being mean for no reason whatsoever. Do you know, can you guess Red Band's age? This is a real interesting moment. 46. Wow. Look at that. That's pretty good. 48.

48. You're basically two off with everybody. You're like two or three off with everyone. But at the carnival, it's usually two pounds. You win. At the carnival, it's normally two pounds. What are you fucking talking about? Seriously.

It's normally two pounds at the carnival. What are you even? Tim Dillon, you've seen William Montgomery probably as much as any guest in the show's history. He's amazing. He's amazing. He's a force. I like the idea of the carnival aspect, the fair aspect, I think could be amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm really excited. I've been looking at RVs that I think, yeah, going to move into an RV and just follow the fairs around. Yeah. It's going to be amazing. You chasing gypsies from town to town.

It's going to be guessing gypsies ages the whole time just in my RV. Yeah. I'm excited. Use a 65. Yeah. You must be 65. Roseanne Barr, you saw William for your first time two weeks ago. You're seeing him again.

Well, you're fearless. You're great. I love you. Well, it's so nice to see you again, Roseanne. And what was fucking funny about that? You fucking dumb ass table right there. Yeah, they did. Those fucking idiots at that table, you'll creep me out when I fucking walked up here.

I saw y'all. Fuck. I was wondering, William, I was wondering if you've ever been a street performer. Because you have that element to you, you know. A street performer? Yeah. You know, like on Venice Beach or something, where you've just, where you've just gone. Wait, what do you mean a street performer?

You know, where you've just drawn, you've just pulled up a soapbox and stood on it and drawn a crowd. And people threw. I'm still a little confused. What do you mean a street performer? You know, where people throw quarters in a box. I've never done that shit. And I never will.

But I mean, circa, that's kind of, I'm better than that. But I mean, like circus thing, you could draw a crowd. Like if you went down to Venice Beach, you could walk out of there with 5k a day. I'm not going to fucking be brushing shoulders with those nasty fucking street, but you couldn't catch me dad doing that, Rosanne. There's no way. Those nasty people. I bet you have.

No, I bet you have done that bitch. Oh my God. Okay, I did. It takes one to no one. What an eclipse watching Rosanne, Tim Dillon and William Montgomery on the same stage at the same time. What a special treat. That's the big red machine, William Montgomery's killing it on cameo.

Watch Rosanne's new special on the Fox app. Get it. Of course, you know, and you love Tim Dillon. How about one more time for our guests, Rosanne Barr, Tim Dillon, Beast, one more time for the best damn band in the land, Michael Gonzalez, John Dees, D Madness, Matt Mueling and Paul Deemer. Thank you to the red rose, yellow rose, deep Eddie, Boston security guard service and gel blaster.

The drawing from Ryan J. E belt is in and it is on fucking believable. It is indeed Rosanne Barr and Tim Dillon. There they are. Look at that. That's you and Tim Dillon up there. How cool is that? And those are all available. Ryan J. E belt.com.

Thank you to screwball peanut butter whiskey. And thank you to Vulcan gas company is our final show here. We'll see you live from the comedy mothership. Half a block away. Thank you all. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Bye.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.