KILL TONY - #602 - BERT KREISCHER + WHITNEY CUMMINGS + JIM NORTON

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

Bert Kreischer, Whitney Cummings, Jim Norton, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/13/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—TALKSPACE! – As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code TONY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show. That’s TONY and talkspace.com.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony. You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives tonight or what? Yeah, make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody here, the guy that started podcasting. Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster, the Austin Security Guard Service and screwball peanut butter whiskey, how about a hand for

the fucking band, huh, John Dees, Paul Deemer on the horns, Eli Menezos on the bass guitar, Matt Mueling on the electric and the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums over there. D-Madness couldn't be with us tonight, I don't know where he is, he's probably at Vulcan, we may have forgotten to tell him that we were switching over, a lot of fun stuff planned, shout out to D-Betty Vodka, of course again the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster and the Austin Security Guard Service, screwball peanut butter whiskey and before we start tonight's episode here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

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You guys can do better than that. Are you guys ready to start the first ever kill Tony at the mothership? This is an epic moment. Normally we have one or two guests this week to get things started, we figure we blow it the fuck up. Ladies and gentlemen, three guests, three of the best in the world. From New York all the way to Los Angeles, make some noise for Jim Norton, Whitney Cummings and Burt Kreischer.

Yes, Jim Norton, one of the best in the world, the great Whitney Cummings and the motherfucking machine, Burt Kreischer. Welcome, Whitney Cummings, Jim Norton, Burt Kreischer, they've all been on the show before. This is very exciting. Burt Kreischer's special razzle dazzle comes out tonight at midnight on Netflix everybody. And the machine comes out Memorial Day and the roast of Burt Kreischer comes out on April 1st on Onlyfans and a lot of fun stuff happening. Onlyfans TV.

Onlyfans TV. Thank you Whitney. Because when you say Onlyfans it sounds like you're joking, they just laugh, they thought you're kidding. No, no, it's real. That's my career at this point. You say it and people just laugh. Yeah.

Okay, Onlyfans TV. If you have Onlyfans and you don't want to jerk off, watch the roast on April 1st. Yeah. Don't stop coming. By the way, I jerk off on Onlyfans. I'm not only, I've missed that, that fuck. I would jerk off on Onlyfans. How much did you pay to see me jerk off?

For real. Like let's put a price point on this show. Do you guys want to do a jerk off auction right now? Oh, the gay cowboy from Dallas has got everybody beat. Oh shit. I bought the playgirl of Brad Pitt when he was naked just to see his cock back in the day. What did it look like?

It was solid. Wow. If God could have given anyone a small cock, it would have been him, but he didn't. Yes. But I can tell you who did get one. We are going to have so much fun tonight. You guys have all done this show before. I'm excited to announce that we have an absolute, we've done this show for almost 10 years straight.

We have indeed, on this evening, set an all-time record for sign-ups. Over 189 people are in this bucket. No, no, no, no. They thought they were signing up to have abortions in Texas. That's actually... We're going to have a lot of fun. Oh fuck you guys. Abortions are half fun.

The front half's pretty fun out here. The second half's a bummer. Yeah. Are these mics not on? That was a funny fucking joke. They are a little bit low. You know, it's just such an awkward ride home. What do you talk about?

You pay for an Uber, they made me take the train. So are you hungry? You're only eating for one again. How does someone become an abortion doctor? Is there really someone in med school thinking, well, I want to work with kids, but... There we go. We got to loosen them up a little bit. Yeah, they're tight in here.

They're the only doctors, though, that I don't wear your pedophiles because they wouldn't kill the baby, not my game. Let's go, Texas. Let's fucking go. We are doing a special abortion taping of Kill Tony next week. It's called Kill Babies, and people have 60 seconds to vacuum a baby out of their pussy. You should do a Kill Tony right outside an abortion clinic and go, if you name it Tony. I'll pay for it.

You guys know how the show works. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's dirty. 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's just loud and it cuts them off.

And then I interview them afterwards and we find out more about them. And they get talked to by our esteemed panel and we're going to have a lot of fun. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yes. Well, even though we have 189 people that have signed up for the opportunity, we also have a few regulars on the show. So let's get it started with one of our favorite regulars from the history of the show. This guy became part of the squad about two years ago when from living in his van to living in his fucking dreams.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. What the fuck is up comedy mother shit? Hell yeah. I think one of the most racist things to ever happen is the Chinese Expulsion Act. Do you know what's worse to an Asian than getting expelled? Nothing.

You could have at least called it the Chinese B Plus Act. How dare you use the language of schools against us? School is like R-N-F-L. That's like calling the Fugitive Slave Act the off-sides on the defense five-yard penalty act. I have a Rolex. I love my Rolex because I'm fabulously wealthy. I'm thinking of having kids just to stunt on people. I love having a Rolex because I can look at it and be like,

oh, it looks like it's time to pull on my iPhone because I have no idea how to read this thing. Thank you. Hans Kim. Welcome. Another new minute. Very fun. The Chinese Expulsion Act. Yes. I've read a history book this week. I love it. What is the Chinese Expulsion Act exactly? Can you explain it to these people?

The Chinese Expulsion Act is what happens when Asians act up. Is that really what... Well, apparently we built the railroads and they were like, okay, what are you going to do now? Okay, fuck off. They were kind of done with us. I thought you were very funny and I've made it my life stream to fight racism. Jim, how do you do that exactly? I just don't want to get canceled.

People would think I'm a good guy. I do want to get canceled. Get me the fuck out of Hollywood. You're a very good writer. Very funny. Thank you, Jim. You're welcome. I appreciate that you love hating racism. I also agree with you. Now, Hans, you talked about the Chinese a little bit and you are Korean.

Wait, you're not Korean? No, no, no, no. You're not Chinese. You're not allowed to do that. I made a show called Two Broke Girls and there was a Chinese character on it and the actor in that audition was South Korean and they called me racist. Well, hey. Can you please make a call and fix that? Wait, look at the nail on that coffin.

I got a Korean. He said he was Chinese and they called me racist. Wait, you're not even Chinese? I mean, I knew that. Yeah, we were talking... Are you really Korean? I'm South Korean, yeah. Oh, cool. Hey, fucking Korean, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Korean, Korean, Korean, Korean, all right.

There's no difference between North Korean and South Korean. It's just politics. You're Korean. You're Korean. That's like going, oh, where do you live? I live in Georgia on the border of Florida. The same, you're a redneck. Let's... I heard Korean Facebook's fucking confusing as shit. Is this true? Is Korean Facebook... You're trying to tag yourself in a photo? You're like, is that me?

No, that's not me. Is that my mom? Shit, I'm in all these pictures. Fucking Mardi Gras, baby. You know, at one point in my life, I would have enjoyed that joke. Oh, you're one of the best Asian jokes ever. I heard 17 years ago. Wait, you really are Korean?

Yeah. Okay, all right. Yes, get top? Come on. Yeah, of course. What do you think he's wearing? A Halloween mask or something right now? Actually, I'm American. I am American.

I love the guy in the cowboy helmet. No, you're not. Yeah. Now, where are you from, boy? This is Texas. This is not the rest of America. No, but all kidding aside, thank you for that learning moment. Thank you, Jim. Hans, how did it feel up here?

A whole different venue. Did you notice anything different? You noticed a change in the room at all? I noticed that I'm closer to the audience. I feel it's more intimate. I feel like we could really connect. And I felt like this is a wonderful club and I can't wait to just be here

and not get, you know, extra kicked out. Extra kicked out? Extra kicked out. Let me, can I say something really quick? Yeah, yeah, of course. Can women talk in Texas? Depends on what you say. We might edit it out later.

But yeah, you can talk now. Sure. It doesn't mean it's going to be in the show. I have a voice made for podcasting. Men love it. No, but I'm half from Texas. My mom's from a place called Sherman, Texas. Anybody?

Is anyone from Texas that lives here from here anymore? No, it's Austin. Yeah, it's Austin. None of these people are from here. So something I feel like we all came out. We're so excited to be at this club because this is just the fucking best thing ever. And I feel like we're like so excited and like pushing

and you just fucking kicked it. And one of the things that made me laugh the most you just went, I have a Rolex. And you just like let it, you let a setup be a punchline. Like that was fucking so Korean, dude. The way is no way. Hans Kim, we love having you start the show.

You're a consistent fucking real stand-up comedian. Yep, very funny guys. There goes Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. And now I repeat, in this back alleyway is 189 human beings waiting to find out if their name is about to get called. You are about to witness the first ever bucket pull in the show's history.

The first ever unapproved to be on this stage comedian. Could be somebody's first time. Could be a local legend. Let's find out what happens together. Your first comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Cole McKinney. Cole McKinney. Cole McKinney.

That was Hans Kim. Cole McKinney is going to pop out of that curtain. Any second here he is, Cole McKinney. Hey, what's up? What's up? Yeah, I just came here. I moved here from a conservative small town. You know it was conservative

because my dad used to mute the family whenever the gay guys from Modern Family would come on. And yeah, but just moving here to Austin, the homeless people are kind of already starting to piss me off. There was a guy standing on the side of the road with a cardboard cutout sign that said that he was homeless on it. And then I was like, well, no shit. You never see some guy just standing on the side of the road

with a sign that says happy memorial day or some shit on it. And that guy definitely doesn't look like Shilah Buff after he hasn't seen a movie in two years or whatever. But yeah, thank you. Thank you. But yeah, anyway, so there's... Sorry, I was not expecting this. I can't tell. But yeah, I'm all out of shit, man.

I'll just like y'all. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. You are Cole McKinney. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah, definitely. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up since August.

August, yeah. Yeah, if you can't tell, yeah. That's a very honest answer. I'm so used to hearing 22 years. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Since August? No, I was, oh my God, what the fuck is happening? Since my cat's birthday.

You know what I like about you? You look like a baby doll from the 20s. Damn, really? Oh my God. It's nice of them I was expecting. Thank you. That's very charming. That was fucking hilarious. You seem a little nervous, but you recovered quick. You tripped on the opening joke, which is good.

We've all done it and you recovered. Oh wait, you don't have Tourette's? I know I don't. I'm just very, very retarded. So guys get to just fuck up their shit and they still get laughs? Yes. I love Texas. I'm moving here. That's sexism. Whitney, you know this is still America, right?

It's not that different than everywhere else. You're like, oh, men can talk here in Texas? Cole McKinney, let's talk about it. You started in August in Austin, Texas? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, are you from here? I'm from a small town in East Texas. Yeah, Meneola, Meneola.

Okay, alright. Nobody knows what that is. And how old are you? What's up? I didn't hear you, I'm sorry. I should probably stop talking. How old are you? I'm 19.

19 years old. Wow, look at that. Are you going to school or anything? You in Hogwarts or right now? No, what's happening? You fly your Quidditch stick here tonight to be here? I'm going to ACC if you say it really fast. It doesn't sound like Austin Community College. You don't look 19.

I don't look 19? No, no, no. Tell that to bartenders, man. Yeah. You look like both the pedophile and the victim. Very rare type of human to be able to look like both. Have you ever just jerk off like, yeah, look at that little baby dick.

Shut up. Spent a lot of time in the mirror. Okay, so Cole, you're 19 years old. Tell us what it's like being 19 in Austin, Texas. What do you do for fun? What are you up to? I mostly just do stand up for fun. Yeah, but the clubs that I can get into, you know.

What else? What else other than stand up? You look like you're into like fucking crypto or fucking Pokemon. I wish, I wish. Installing cameras in girls' toilets. I'm into, I don't know, I just play video games. I work at the H-E-B on Riverside Drive, yes.

Whoa, shout out H-E-B. There must be a lot of homeless people in there tonight. That's many of us. Damn. What is H-E-B? What is that? H-E-B. It's kind of like, it's like your average H-E-B

just with Walmart customers. I don't know what the store is. Oh, it's a grocery store. Yeah, it's a grocery store. It's the best grocery store on planet Earth. It really is. It's unbelievable. That one is a special one.

I know which one you're talking about. They have their own car wash, right? What do you do at the grocery store? I work in the deli, so yeah. Shit. I brutalize chickens and shit. What? Yeah, like I put them on the skewers

and put them in the ovens. Yeah. You doing a lot of fucking? Unfortunately not. I'm pretty new in town, but yeah. Oh, sorry. Pretty new in town. Yeah, definitely.

What you doing after the squinting here? What's the Austin dating app? Farmer's only? Oh, yeah. I couldn't even tell you, man. I don't get down like that. It's mostly just comedy here. Yeah.

You're very funny when you're not trying to be funny. Yeah, I notice that. But no, that's the intangible. It's like, are you funny? I'll say Theo Vaughn was so fucking, he's very funny now, but like being around him when he was starting comedy, he was fucking hilarious when he wasn't trying to be funny.

And that's the hard thing to get. Yeah, so thank you. I'm just trying to compliment you. It's like very funny when you're not trying to be funny. Thank you, yeah. You're naturally funny. I do watch a lot of Theo Vaughn though. I'm a massive fan.

Yeah, well, I'd stop, but... Yeah. Cole McKinney, let me ask you this before we let you out of here. When you say that you haven't been here long and that's why you haven't been with a girl yet in Austin, were you sexually satisfied when you were in the small town that you came from?

I mean, yeah, yeah, I guess I did all right. Yeah, when you say you did all right, what exactly do you mean? Do you think you've had more sex with more women than me? Um, I don't know, I don't know. When you say you did all right, were you punishing chickens in a different way? There was a lot of roadkill.

I think the question we all have is, do I have to fuck you so you don't become a school shooter or not? Yeah, I mean... Just say yes. I don't know what you're stuttering on. I think it would be phenomenal. I would grab a gun. How funny would...

You know, I've got some issues too. I was bullied. We can tell, we can tell. I'm pretty sure fucking Whitney is how you become a school shooter. Cole McKinney, congratulations. You're very, very, very friendly. You would stand up comedy. Here's a joke book.

Take a joke book. Cole McKinney, there he goes. All right, back to the buck. Here we go. Fun out there yet, huh? All right. Cat-O-N-B. Cat-O-N-B.

K-A-T-O-N-B? I don't think so. I do believe that's the name that I'm reading. Hand writings are all different here. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe coming out of the curtain at any moment will be the Kill Tony debut of Cat-O-N-B.

We have movement. Anything. I love this fucking band. Aren't they great? Ladies and gentlemen, Cat-O-N-B everybody. Hey, everybody. Guys, I'm not a big into politics, but I do think that the icing on toaster strudel looks like cum,

which gave me a pretty good idea. I have two roommates, so I made three toaster strudels, and two of them I put regular icing on. One of them I did not put regular icing on. I walked into my living room and I was like, hey, who wants a toaster strudel? And they're high as shit, so they both grab one

and they're chowing down, right? And I was like, oh man, they have no idea I'm eating cum. Don't have to hide it anymore. What a relief. Oh, I guess I'll leave you on that. Thank you very much. There you go.

A minute from Cat-O-N-B. Am I saying that correctly? What was that? O-N-B? Oh, I'm Owen Galvin. They were just yelling Owen outside and I came up. Oh, wow. You're not even the person I pulled out of the bucket.

Sorry, it's a madhouse out there. That's great. I don't know if any of the producers of the show are paying attention to this, but do a better job, everybody. All right, here we go. Can I say how funny you are? What?

You made me laugh and you made me hungry. You have a real look. Again, I know I said the last guy looked like a pedophile and the victim, but Jesus Christ, I don't know what's going on here. He looks like someone a pedophile would pass on. Aw. Yeah.

That hurt my feelings. He looks like the criminal and the police officer that would arrest him. He looks like he's in white face for some reason, like he has makeup on, never mind. I love it. I love your mustache. Thank you.

I can love it. Thank you. There's nothing hotter than making out with a guy and just tasting. That's what I always say, too. Yeah. Tasting strudel, yeah. Owen, what do you do for work?

I'm an engineer. Oh, I love trains. At a semiconductor company? A semiconductor company. The guy that kind of drives the train, but doesn't do it all the time. Can I tell you what's crazy? We set up.

We, uh, we thought, I thought they were called tostum strudels. What? Bert, I think you missed the point of that joke. I was so distracted through the whole joke, I go, have I been saying it wrong? I think you're thinking of stagomes. No, I love, don't get me started on stagomes.

I actually, I was like raised on stagomes. I was. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the old, I didn't have a dad growing up special right there. You could just, it's like making your own steak, but in a frying pan with sadness.

Super sad. They don't, they don't. I didn't have olive oil, so I used tears. I would cry over the pan a little bit. Anyway, let's talk about it. You do that for work. How old are you? 29.

Whoa, you're an old looking 29 year old. Yeah, thank you. That's incredible. Hopefully if I shave the mustache. Why do you? Oh, you're younger looking without the mustache. I think maybe not. I don't know.

Okay. Okay. I like it. I like your style. What do you do for fun? I mean, I drink a lot and I do a lot of comedy, but when I'm not doing that, I play a lot of disc golf, skateboard, snowboard, that snowboarding so much.

Favorite favorite favorite disc you throw the Wraith. Oh, it's a great one. Wraith's the best. Oh, wait. Like a 171? Fuck yeah. What is that? Forehand or backhand?

What? Forehand or backhand. Forehand. Oh, my dick's getting hard. You ever play out at the brewery, out by the airport? No, I don't think so. That's a great man. I play Circle C a lot.

I play Circle C a lot. This place is sick with fucking disc golf courses. Producers in town. Oh, wow. Here you go. Thank you. Sarah Hogan was at the show last night. She's got the fucking sickest.

Okay, go ahead. All right. I'm really into disc golf. That's cool. Did I ask you how long you've been doing stand-up? No, three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin?

No. I'm from Worcester, Massachusetts. That's where I started. I moved here in July. Okay. All right. What's your favorite thing about Austin, Texas? Probably the food and the weather.

I mean, coming from Massachusetts, a winter that's not just 10 feet of snow is pretty fucking sweet. I think somebody just shushed us from the audience. I think someone's letting out the air in their tire. Why'd you leave Worcester? I came down here for the comedy scene. That's what I moved for. I came here.

I didn't work for like six months. I just did like 15, 20 open mics every week. How much time do you think you, what's the longest set you've ever done? 20 minutes. 20 minutes. I'd love to have you on the secret show. Boom, you just got booked on a stand-up comedy show. There you go.

Owen, check in with one of the producers so they can get your actual name. Great job. Because you literally didn't even get pulled out of the bucket. That guy just got lucky as fuck. It's like Jimmy Johnson. My name's John. I'm going to go up there. I got this.

You guys ready for another special treat? Huh? Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those moments the Kill Tony fans absolutely fucking can't get enough of. One of the strongest regulars ever. One of our greatest joke writers famous for his unbelievable roasting. Make some noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody. Oh shit.

I like living in Texas because Texas don't play that bullshit with them pronouns. And they don't fuck with them transformers, you know what I'm saying? I get it because they're decepticons, you know? You know who will never get behind trans people? Black people. Because black people hate being deceived, you know what I'm saying? You ever seen how a nigga react to magic? Like if I pull the car from behind my back, all the niggas are here right out.

That's why you never see a black magician. We don't like that shit. We're like, that's a goddamn devil, man. All right, man. Appreciate that. David motherfucking Lucas doing it again. Absolutely love it. Spot on in and out.

Big punch lines. Fucking legendary. I love it dude. Thank you, man. I love it. I know I've been on the road with you. You walked up and you fucking own the room and you told a great fucking joke. God damn it.

Thank you, man. That's fucking so good, man. Thank you, man. Black people do react to magic. Wait, I have my best black experience with his family. Yeah, y'all gotta go watch that on YouTube. We watched Medea. Medea.

Medea. Medea is the thing you got in your toilet. And it's great. It's so much fun. Like Medea, you may not get it if you're white and just watch it. You go, oh cool. But when you watch it with black people, they're like, oh shit. He about to knock her out.

And then the whole thing was so much fun. That was so well done, man. Incredible. You guys all watched Medea together. I had no idea about this. How many people were in the room for that? Tony, go ahead and get it out. No, I don't even have a joke.

I don't even have a joke yet. I'm just asking questions. It was fun watching the machine talk to the sleep apnea machine for a second though. Tony, you look like a gay missionary, nigga. You bought the spread the word a dick. Oh my God. Oh my God. Why you got that bullshit ass door-to-door insurance sales mentality?

Now you guys have any penis insurance? I'm selling it for... Penis insurance. Is that a thing? Nigga, you know shit. Oh no, you got insurance on your asshole in case it gets... In case that motherfucker get blown out of proportion. That is true.

That is true. And I just bought real estate on your asshole. So it's four acres and a fucking ranch and a blue cheese. You son of a bitch. Coming in, playing it safe, wearing a gray hoodie, making fun of me. How dare you. Tony, you got on some stupid shit, nigga. What do you mean?

You look like a substitute teacher with his coat outside, nigga. That's some goofy ass shit you got on, motherfucker. Professor Hitchcliff in this bitch. Bert goes, don't leave, don't leave. What do I look like? Bert Christchurch look like he smells like air freshener and bologna. Boy, get your... He does.

He does smell like air freshener and bologna. I can tell by Bert Beard he got a flaccid penis. You know what I'm saying? My motherfucking penins look like them balloons in front of the car dealerships. They be flabbing around. Look at Bert. Sorry to do Whitney now. Oh, shit.

Oh, no. Whitney, plug your ears. Hold up, one of the sopranos got something to say. I'm not going to say anything, but black people do do magic. They've made my wallet disappear. Oh, fuck. The top of your head looks like a goldfish net, nigga. That shit thin as a motherfucker.

You need to let it go, boy. You got a reverse Mohawk, nigga. None in the middle, all on the sides. You have a body like Patrice and a head like Beetlejuice. You look like an albino earthworm, motherfucker. You just ugly for no reason. You look like some shit from men in black, nigga. You look like you'll be around the coffee machine.

You look like Lizzo dressed like Shook Knight for Halloween. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Chaos. Chaos has ensued. The great Jim Norton is here, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. That was a good one.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. This shit is going down. I won't ever forget this moment. Fuck me. How fun. David Lucas does this every time he gets up here. Fucking lights shit on fire.

Incredible. What else is going on, David? Everything else good? Yeah, man. Check out my tour dates. I got Milwaukee improv coming up. I got Oxnard and some other shit I can't remember, but just go to my website. DavidLucascom.com to get them tickets.

Appreciate y'all. A star, ladies and gentlemen. David Lucas. And like that, back to the bucket we go to find a new, innocent soul. Wow, wow, wow. Jorani Bettencourt. Jorani Bettencourt is next on Kill Tony.

We'll see what happens now. Tough act to follow. Giovanni, perhaps? Giovanni Bettencourt? Giovanni Bettencourt. How many of you in the audience signed up tonight by round of applause? Okay.

Giovanni Bettencourt, making their way around 189 other people to get here. Giovanni Bettencourt. There he is. Giovanni. Mother shit, make some fucking noise. Mother fuck you what? Giovanni, do you guys like to watch porn?

I can't watch porn unless it has like racism or like fucking sexual overtones. My favorite. Let me tell you what. Let me see, like black bitch gets fucking fucked by fentanyl. Asian bitch gets slapped by the back by the subway. Or my favorite,

Palestine family gets fucked by the Jews. Oh, again, little fucking tight, right. No. You ever watch so much porn? You watch your favorite porn stars such age? Like now they're playing all the... Okay, now, okay, that's too much time. Thank you.

There you go, Giovanni Bettencourt. Holy shit, man, what the fuck. Giovanni, grab that microphone. This is the part where you get interviewed and have to stay on stage and talk about what just happened up here. Hey, Tony, is he on what everyone thinks I'm on? I think so.

I think so. Street Adderall, yes. I'm starting to see why you guys are worried. Giovanni, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up, my friend? This is my third year, my friend. Your third year doing it. Okay, have you been on the show before?

No. Right. Three years in the game and that is... Is that a new minute? Is that your best minute? No, it's a new minute. It's a new minute. Yeah, of course. When you say...

When you say, of course, what do you mean? It's not my best shit. What's up, you guys? How y'all doing? Don't try to... They don't like you. Giovanni, so let's talk about it. Can we get an example of, like, what do you want to talk about? No, you're not that good.

There's no way... I like hearing thoughts on slavery, women's rights. These sound like some hot buttons for you. All right. The hardest part about supporting feminism is nobody can never date a squirter. It's hard to think we're equal when you're pissing on my face, you know? Dude, Giovanni.

Hold on, hold on. There's something there. Yeah. There's definitely a seed of something there. We're talking to a real-life squirter in real fucking time. Thank you, Whitney. Like, keep honing it.

Yes. Thank you. Just try it, just write it first. Yeah. And then think, and then say. It was a little rough to open with. I mean, it's hard to criticize. You have jerked off to three of those films that you mentioned. So I understand why you think we'd all be on board,

but you've got to warm them up before you hit them with... you know. I appreciate it. Giovanni, that feminist squirter joke that's your joke that does the best that you've come up with over the last three years? No, sir. Okay, can you give us one of your best jokes?

How many of you want to hear his best joke? I'm pretty sure we've heard your worst jokes. So let's try a different approach here. Let's try something that works. I'm a little fucked up, so you guys got to work with me, right? Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. All right, but thank you, Bert.

You're looking good at energy, right? Your riffing is so good, Giovanni. It's incredible. You're like a real natural talent at this. I'm on your side, brother. What with you? I like where you're going. I've been there when you get a little in front of yourself.

That's what I need, but honestly, I'm gonna fucking work with that. So, like... You ever fucking been dating someone? You guys have a lot of dirty talk, and the hardest part of dirty talking is staying with me. I'm with you, I'm with you.

That's the hardest part, but dirty talk is really being in there. You've ever been fucking going through the motions, you're like... I love how the Roaches know how to find the seek of dirty dishes every time. That doesn't sound like that's pre-written.

Can I interrupt one quick? Just to... We're helping comics get better. No, no, no, we're not. That's not a comic, and we're not helping him. Hold on, Tony. You would be good if we had a comic that tried

and had any fundamental understanding. Tony, I need to check a diversity box. Just let me do this. I guess the one piece of advice I do has if you're gonna hold a microphone, you can't have scabs on your knuckles. What the fuck have you been doing? Is this from just fist-fighting homeless people?

I'll sit in the back earlier, Whitney. Yes. What? Giovanni, what are you fucked up on right now? Is this just a cate and fucking... Why is your dick showing? Did you just get a hard-on from bombing? Whoa.

You do kind of have an erect penis right now. That is incredible. I'm back on your team. Yeah, 100. Not all of us wear underwear like fucking communists. Yeah. And sometimes our dicks will show if you ever see me in an airport,

you're looking at my dick. I'm on your team, and I know what's going on right now, and I've been there. That's confidence, by the way. If you're bombing, you're like, look at my dick, it's hard. That's fucking good for you. Good for you. Fuck them. Your dick is hard. Be you.

Give us a shit. Giovanni, normally when people do bad on this show, I never ask them again and again to keep trying to do their best joke that they've come up with. But for some reason, my instinct is to do it one more time with you. You guys want to hear one more of Giovanni's

best jokes? I'm going to give you guys a different ghost, a fucking different joke. So what do you guys think about inflation? You guys... Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.

Talk about the fucking banking crisis going on. Someone that looks like a fucking drug dealer in Grand Theft Auto, wants to ask people about inflation. What the fuck? I cannot be more thrilled at the setup to this guy's joke.

Knowing where his style tends to lead us, I'm starting to think that we may have actually stumbled across his actual best joke. What time is the charm? I want to hear the rest of this inflation joke. So no interruptions.

This is Giovanni's inflation joke. The world is waiting. Here he is. It is... Fourth at bat of the night. Three-year comedy veteran, Giovanni Betancourt. Giovanni Betancourt.

If there was any justice, anything at all about these rising gas prices, it'd probably be the decline in human trafficking. That was better than everything else. Because you know there was one motherfucker, I was supposed to fucking kidnap this kid today, and he was like,

$7 a gallon, dude? Oh, my God. You know what bothers me about you? I feel like you're making fun of us. Don't you feel like he's making fun of comedians? I think he kind of is. You know these gas prices? You're doing a Gary Gullman impression,

and I don't appreciate it. I was hoping for... that he was inflating up jump houses. They're called bouncy houses. Whatever, I thought that he was going to go, you ever been inflating up a... That looks like what he should be doing for a living. No shit!

That's why I thought that's where we were going. Giovanni, what do you do for a living? I work for a set company, and you won't know fuck you, Tony. Wait, what? I want to tell you what job I work for, dude. Okay. I'm back on your team!

I'm back on your team! I love that energy! You guys, is there a Betty Ford, Austin? All right. What is that, Winnie? She's implying that you might have a drug and alcohol problem. And that's me! Do you think you have a drug and alcohol problem, Giovanni?

Like, nine years ago. What were you doing nine years ago? What were you doing nine years ago? So, Tony, I was in a DWI. Let me tell you what. This is what I wanted to hear. Okay. Keep going. Keep talking. Dude, I got put over. I was trying to help a friend out.

I was minding my own fucking business, you guys. Yeah. Can you get your beer out of Jim Norton's face? He's a fucking legend. Move over. That's true. That's a good point. That is a good point. I don't mind the beer. Just don't put the hard dick.

Yeah. Giovanni Betancourt, congratulations. You go home with a little joke book tonight. Put the mic back in the mic stand and die. Appreciate it. There he goes. Giovanni Betancourt, everybody. Here you go, Giovanni. There you go.

You guys don't have to hug the people that come up here. That's not part of it. That's not part of it. All right. What did we do? Giovanni. Yeah. All right. You guys ready to pull another one of those people

out of the bucket, huh? Holy shit. A three-year comedy veteran. A guy trying his hardest for three years. That is incredible. Aaron McPherson is next. On Kill Tony. Aaron McPherson.

McPherson. Aaron McPherson. Trying to over enunciate. How about another hand for the best band in the goddamn land up there? Aaron McPherson is going to come out right now. There he is, everybody.

Oh, yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen. I got an announcement to make. I've been told throughout the years that I look white or that I act white. So, therefore, I did some research and it turns out I'm in fact white.

2% like white milk. White as fuck. I've been learning some new words. The new lexicon. I've been learning some words. I've learned some things like, hey, bub. Hey, bub.

And I've learned some other words like, hell, yeah, brother. I've heard hey, bubs the term of endearment from one white man to another. And then on some other things, you know, I've started doing some white people things. I've started attending city council meetings.

School board meetings. HOA meetings. And I ain't even got no house, man. I've done some other things too, you know. Even the police have caught on to my new found identity. Of course, I have to whip my ass for about five minutes. To be able to pull out my ID like, sir. They're like, oh, sorry, we didn't see you there, bub.

Carry on. Aaron McPherson. Wow. Man. I can't tell whether you're fucking great or going up after the last guy's just the easiest follow on Planet Earth. But you seem so likeable, so cool.

How long you been to stand up? Four years. Okay, where at? Just moved here, but in Kansas. You were in Kansas. What part of Kansas were you in? I was out of Wichita. But I lived in a little tiny town in Winfield, Kansas.

Oh, damn, you really are a white black guy. Holy shit. A tiny town in Kansas. Wow. What were you doing for work out there? Drinking a Budweiser? Delivering beer? Delivering beer. What are you doing for work now? Same thing.

Okay. Not the kind of bud that most people that look like you deliver, but, uh... Gotta keep that on the down low, you know? I love it. There was a lot of jokes in a minute. It was great. Good writing, a lot of fucking lines. Set one theme. Really funny, then.

Did you move to Austin for the stand-up comedy scene? Yes. Amazing. And how long ago did you move here? I moved here in August. August. Beautiful. And how old are you? 30. 30? Perfect. Everything matches up. What do you love about Austin, Texas? I love it about Austin.

Just being in the city. It's cool. It's food to eat. Other than the same thing over and over. Real Mexican food. That's awesome. Yeah, food to eat is definitely an important thing in a town you move to.

How's the housing market? Great, but there's no food. Aaron, are you in a relationship with someone? Yeah, I got a girlfriend. Well, kind of. When you say, well, kind of. It's on the rocks at the moment. Oh, wait. I want to hear more. Yeah, let's talk about it.

Tell me more, tell me more. She lives too far right now, so she's trying to break it off. Is she in the small town in Kansas? I don't know who she'd be, but she's in Arkansas now, so even small. Is this a white girl or a black girl? Yeah, it's a white girl. Oh, shit.

Is she like... I know. My mom told me white women were the devil. Your mom doesn't want you with a white girl? No, well, she's R.I.P. But, uh, yeah. Oh, she's... No, she don't...

My brother and sister, they both mixed, she didn't say nothing about them, though, I guess. Okay, and this one... this long-distance relationship that you're in, what does she do? What does she do? Take care of kids. Oh, she's got kids. How many kids does she have? She got three of them.

Three kids. Are they yours? Hell no, man. Bro, what do you mean on the rocks? Walk away. Yeah. You're funny, you're good looking, you got charm, you don't need her? Uh-uh.

White women are a dime a dozen. I mean, but I... White women are a dime a dozen, he said. Throw a rock, you'll hit one of those. Well, here's the thing. Do you see the fucking never mind? Most successful, rich, famous male comedians

only tell stories about their children. So you aren't going to maybe want, right? Because, I mean, I mean, what would you do without Isla? For material. Yeah, what would you do without your daughters? If I had three, I'd have three more kids. You'll at least be able to make fun of the kids. Will she let you make fun of the kids and you're out?

They're not his. Yeah, they're not mom. Yeah, it's not right to make fun of someone's kids that aren't yours. You need your own children. Here's the deal, man. Cut the top of your con and wear it like a wristband and get someone pregnant tonight. Let's go.

It feels so good when they look and they're being in a stick and they go, I'm pregnant. And you go, I got you forever. Do you have any special tricks to how you've maintained going childless for 30 years? You have a special pull-out method or anything special that you do?

Like my grandpa told me, man, fuck them all, just don't get them pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. That's not exactly the answer I was looking for. Yeah, no, man, I don't know. That's not the most grandmotherly advice. My grandma, they said, just put it in their ass, Jim.

I was like, I'm trying to top that joke, and you're so fucking good. Jim Norton flew to Austin, Texas for this show, by the way. Fucking so cool. Such an honor. One of my favorites. I fucking love it. Aaron, do you have any special skills

or talents other than being a very, very likeable and well-written stand-up comedian? I want to know more about you. You're so fucking good. You're so fucking good. When you're a stand-up comedian, I want to know more about your, like, hobbies and stuff.

When you're not driving the bud truck and slinging jokes or banging thick white women with children. I'm just assuming she's thick. Take note that I never asked that, but he laughed right after I said it. So... They don't lose that baby weight

if they're hanging out with Aaron McPherson. You know what I mean? They're fucking... They're sitting around watching Medea. Yeah. How do you get those mediums from Gap? Just out of curiosity. But what else are you into other than stand-up and work? Shit.

I just smoke some weed. What do you like to do after you smoke weed? What's your YouTube algorithm like right now? My YouTube algorithm just sports. I watch a bunch of the NBA. I love basketball. Well, we finally found a black thing about you. Congratulations.

Go Lakers. The NBA... Wait, wait, wait. Are your girlfriends' kids white? Of course. What the fuck are you doing? I don't know what I'm doing, man. I got five chicks that you can get pregnant tonight. Are the kids nice to you?

You guys have a good relationship? Oh, yeah, yeah. The kids are cool. They're nice to me. Yeah. Can I ask how old she is? She's about 28. What were you going to say? How old are the kids? Six and seven.

You should know the answer to that. No, you should. You don't like the kids. Don't know the answer. Yeah, you don't like them. Aaron, an incredible performance. You're very funny. I'm so excited that people like you have been...

Aaron, wait, wait, wait. Guys, before I let you go, what's the longest set you've ever done? 10 minutes. I'd love to have you open the Secret Show Thursday. Wow. You moved to Austin. You do the fucking job.

You get booked. Here's a brand new handmade Kill Tony book by the great Bones Eye. Real Texas Leather. And on to the next one. You guys are in for a special treat right now. A true special treat. This guy came on

into the Kill Tony universe just a couple months ago and has taken it over by absolute fucking storm. One of the greatest fucking finds we've ever had in the history of pulling names out of this bucket. Recent Golden Ticket winner

only is fourth or fifth appearance ever in the show's history. Make some noise for the unbelievable stylings of Aaron Belial, everybody. This is the future. This is the future. He is the future. I'm warning you

right now. He has cerebral palsy that affects his voice. He's setting up now. He is undefeated so far on this show. He's an absolute fucking firecracker. How about one more time for Aaron Belial?

So I'm thinking about suing my chiropractor. I didn't deserve this. He took my parking spot so I fucked his wife. I used to think nobody wanted to hang out with me because I was disabled but it turns out it was actually

because I was a dick. That's right, disabled people can be dicks too. I only ever break up with women over text. What kind of asshole does that? I sometimes I would wait outside a handicap bathroom stall even if I don't need it.

So while I've been waiting, I shit myself. Now you have to change me. And this time please make sure you wipe front to back. A lady at the movie theater called me retarded for being in her way so I motor-boated her popcorn

like the Cookie Monster. Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Another new minute. Every time. Unbelievable. This is your guys' first time seeing the great Aaron Belial. What are your thoughts? Hilarious.

It's amazing how unique people have seen and stand up and the jokes are great. Your jokes are really funny. So great. I loved it. It's amazing. It really is. Thank you. Wow, that was a lot of typing for that payout right there.

He was looking for fuck you but he hit thank by mistake. Aaron, you did it again. Whitney, what do you think about this? You're fucking brilliant. That was so fun to watch. My brain, I'm so fucking neurotic. I was like, what if the Wi-Fi goes out? What is the plan?

It's actually Bluetooth. Oh, is it Bluetooth? But no, but this is like also watching you just like anticipating the joke, the tension of it was just as fun as the actual joke. That was a fucking blast. Will you marry me? Oh shit.

It looks longer than it is. What if he's just texting someone else? Yeah. Yes. Oh! Damn. So wait. Wow, we know who does all the talking

in this relationship. By the way, you found your guy, Whitney. Do you take this woman to be your wife forever? Do you take my hand in marriage? Oh. Maybe give her the other hand. I bet you could do some

fucking damage to my pussy with that hook, dude. Oh, yeah. Let's go. Absolutely. Don't do it, son. You'll never see that hand again. I would pay to watch that for sure. I would absolutely love it.

Incredible. Aaron, if you were going to have sex with Whitney, is there anything special that you would do, any special moves or anything like that? I mean, I'd imagine that you really have some real tricks up your sleeve. I'm so insecure. I'd be like, who are you texting?

Who are you texting? Who is that? Give me your phone. Give it to me. What would you do to Whitney Cummings? I'm interested to find out. This is a fun game. I think I need a divorce.

Wait, what? I think I need a divorce. We turn that mic up. Starts with a prenup, brother. So wait, I can ask a technical question. Have you ever thought about writing your setups first,

letting them play and then hitting your punchlines, because it did sound like people were stepping on some of your setups? Oh, yeah. I can already tell. I can already tell by how he reacted that that he has thought

about this, but the technology isn't quite exactly where it needs to be yet. Yep, you see that? We're like twin brothers or something like that. You guys are? Yeah, we have a good connection. He's literally my favorite person to interview in the history of the show, because it's like timing and space and watch.

He's going to say something right now, watch. It's hard to do. I tried to time it line by line, but it's hard. He's talking about his cock right now. What does he say? It's very hard. Very hard. I love it.

The great thing about sucking your dick, it's always hard. Wow, wow, wow. Wow. Every single week this motherfucker absolutely dominates. Jim, is this the craziest shit ever? What?

And the jokes are great, and the timing is perfect. I would like to hear the answer to that, though. Oh, I get to talk to Josh Blueballs now? Tony? No, I know. That's why I looked at you guys, and I was like, this is going to bomb with the audience, but at least I'll make Bert laugh.

Is it cerebral palsy or cerebral palsy? Oh, no. One or two, one or two. I dated a girl with cerebral palsy. You dated a girl with cerebral palsy? That's the mute guy. That's the new guy? Fuck.

You dated a girl with cerebral palsy? I think it's cerebral. Yeah, there you go. Oh, yeah, you would know. Yeah. You dated a girl with it? Cerebral palsy, yeah. Cerebral palsy.

Can you give us a background on that? I met her on a plane. We took Xanax, she had a cat. We went partying in Soho, and we got fucked up, and on our second date, my buddy was like, hey, man, I think something's wrong with your dick. And I was like, yeah,

do you think you know her? Oh, shit. When he does that, I mean, he's got something to fucking see. So I discovered something crazy this weekend. I looked down and realized that my body is really fucked up. Finish this, please.

Well, I was having a problem, and I thought the best thing to do was call Jason Rouse, and his solution was to eat mushrooms with my dog. Wow. Jason Rouse, name drop. Uh...

So how did that go for you? How was mushrooms with your dog? I started to freak out, so I decided to distract myself by running around the park for two hours shirtless with a stick in my mouth. Wow. I feel bad for anybody else

on mushrooms that day. You guys fucking see that? Did you fucking see the guy with the fucking stick in his mouth? By the way, the best part of Bert's story is that the girl didn't have cerebral palsy. You just broke her back when you rolled over on her.

No. She did have cerebral... Cerebral... Cerebral... am I saying it wrong now? Yes. Yeah. Cerebral palsy. I went out with her on a Sunday afternoon

and she was wearing sneakers. It was the first thing that I was like, oh, what's up with that? She'd know on a Sunday afternoon in a sundress and then she cut her hand with her right hand, cut her steak with her right hand and ate with her right hand. And then I was like...

And then Patrice, I was when I was... Patrice is alive and Patrice goes, you're such an alcoholic that you dated a chick for three days. Got so fucked up and didn't know she had cerebral palsy. And I was like, yeah. Well, it's a so-ho. There's a lot of cobblestone streets.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I swear to God. I swear to God. No, I swear to God. She was a big fan of Guns N' Roses. So a year later, she's like my dick and whatever, but a year later, we're broken up and I bring her to this TV show

and Slash from Guns N' Roses is there. And we get fucking wasted with Slash. I bring her and when she goes to get the door, it's noticeable she's got cerebral palsy. She's reaching across her body to get the handle and Slash were hammered. She walks out

and Slash looks at me and goes, yo, that chick? And I was like, man, I was about to say, yeah, I didn't notice it. And he goes, she's perfect. And all I can hear was Slash, Patrice giggling going, you're as big of an alcoholic as Slash. Now you fucked up the way I said it.

You have a right. You talk a lot. I'm so happy to see you finally learned how to put on a shirt. I've been doing it with a hook hand for years. Aaron motherfucker. Bert's taken off his shirt so many times he has breast cancer. Aaron Belial.

I mean, I am just absolutely obsessed with you. Every single... So... I'm just very clear. It's just with one good hand I would be careful. Well, technically he can say

the N-word because he's not saying the N-word. I would, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. I don't want to be here. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. It was great seeing you. It was great seeing you. It was great seeing you. I've all been waiting for. This is Anything Can Happen.

He's typing, ladies and gentlemen, this is the official response by Aaron Belial. Do I look retarded? Wait. Hold on. Band, hold on a second. He had a good line. What? Do I look retarded?

No. Well... He's on The Secret Show Thursday. He's on Everything Moving Forward. He's going to go back to Canada for a little while. He's Canadian, but we're getting him an American citizenship, by the way. How about a hand for the new American, Aaron Belial, everybody.

The new American. Aaron, down the middle here. Down the middle. They keep keep going. Do I look retarded? You guys having fun out there, huh? Should we go to this bucket? Another tough act to follow. Matt Belek.

B-E-L-L-A-K. Matt Belek. Let's see what happens here. A wild night. We still having fun out there. We're bringing in there some of the regulars. We appreciate you crazy fucks. There's a few groups out there

that came to Vulcan and Antones in the comedy store, and they followed us here. It's good to see your faces. One more time for Matt Belek, everybody. What's up, guys? I've been hanging out with my girlfriend too much lately.

We've been living together for five years. She's a bitch, man. She fights with me. She tells me I'm wrong about everything I do. I've been living with her for five years. Two weeks ago, for the first time, I found out she failed kindergarten. This dumb bitch had to do kindergarten twice, okay?

Guess who's never losing another argument in this relationship ever again? Mr. Knows how to color inside the fucking lines. That's who, dude. I walked around my house different now, dude. The other day, I couldn't find my phone charger. She's like, who loses a phone charger? I was like, bitch, you failed nap time.

Remember that? Everybody eating a fruit snack and passing out was too much for you? She wants to have kids with me. I don't think I'm doing that anymore. I don't know, man. She failed kindergarten, guys. I'm looking to dip my toe in that retarded fucking gene pool. They can't do two plus two, those mongoloids.

Dude, the other day we were laying in bed. She goes, let's make a baby. I was like, won't you recite the ABCs? I'll come and you right now. You can't do that. Too much for you? Go take a nap. All right, thank you much. All right, Matt Bellick. You look familiar. You been on this show before?

No, not on the show, man. I used to do a podcast at Betterbox. I remember seeing you when you were filming out there. Yeah, so how long have you been on stand-up? Almost 10 years. Almost 10 years. Very, very interesting. Most of that was in Los Angeles.

Do you still live there? No, I started down in South Florida. Then moved to Chicago. Then LA and now here. How long have you lived here? Almost a year. How's it been going for you? It's good.

Hanging out in an alley, waiting to get staged on. Right, yeah. That's exactly where your career is at. You're exactly right. And you should be fucking happy. I'm ecstatic. You wouldn't be doing anything right now. If you had anything better to do, you'd be doing that right now.

I shouldn't have made fun of the alley, my bad. Goddamn right. What do you do for a living, Matt? I do this and I bartend. Okay, you bartend. How long have you been on that for? Man, like 12 years. Craziest thing that's ever happened in one of your bars. You're back there, shit's always going down.

People are getting wasted. Just watch people fall down, hit their head, like pass the fuck out. It's always funny. It's the same thing about Bob Saget's bell boy at his hotel. But I'm talking about the history. Oh my God!

Texas you pussy! That was hilarious. That was a weird one to not laugh at. I'm surprised that you guys too. He died in a hotel room from hitting his head. I love Bob Saget. You guys made it weird. Back to you, Matt. When something more specific.

12 years working behind bars. There must be one thing that stands out to you that's crazy. I watched two lesbians fight over another chick. That was funny to me. Were you one of the lesbians? By the way, secret time, I think Matt got me coke one time. Oh!

Wow! I know that really well. I'm glad Bert's here. I don't know if you remember the first time I worked for you. I had bad facial hair. He drew with a sharpy facial hair on my face. I thought it was cool at the time, but I think it was like bullying.

There's a picture of it. You look like Hitler. I worked with Matt a bunch. We hung out with your sister. Yeah, you did. Oh, shit! My sister and my brother. Yeah, you fucked them both.

Wow! That's a good time. I love Bert. Who would have guessed Bert would make good friends with you? By the way, you didn't have to share about the coke thing. I didn't know if he was going to say it

or I was going to say it. No, but it's like if I didn't say anything. No! No one was going to be mad if he didn't say it. We had a fucking Sunday. You think I was just going to out you right now? No, it's called Bert Coke. First of all, I paid for...

I didn't sell it to you. I never would have guessed you to be a coke guy. I had no idea. It was a huge fucking mistake. It was a... Shut up! Let's not say everyone would say it. Al Jackson was there.

Dude, I took him to the airport that lied to his wife on the phone. We all had to go fucking fly at like 5 in the morning and we were like, you don't want to be a great idea. Let's get coke and stay up! Wow! That was when I drove... In my sister's shitty car?

In your sister's car? So Bert, so there was the... What? By the way, this is why you thought the girl had cerebral palsy. You were on coke. What's that thing that hangs down in a car? The liner or whatever? So we get in the back of my sister's shitty car

and the liner was like falling down and Bert gets in the back. And I'm like doing you a favor, taking you to the airport cake, okay? And as soon as he gets in the back, he's like, what the fuck is this liner in this car? He's freaking out about... Wait, you were doing him a favor? You don't pay your employees?

No, no, no. Also, why weren't you in the front seat? I was just at Comic-Con doing the fucking Fort Lauderdale improv. Wow. And we partied, dude! Fuck you! Hey, you know what? Don't live your life. Run 50 miles.

Yeah. It goes black one day! Matt, what's your love life like? Uh, I got a girlfriend. Yeah. How long you been with her? It's gonna be almost five years, man. Five years? How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? Five years with the same woman?

Oh, my God, I don't know. You look like you. I don't keep it fresh. So what's your routine? You like roll over missionary position or is it like you guys stay on your sides? The neck kiss is just my move. If I kiss the neck, I'm like that's my thing.

You just lay there and she does the rest. You lay there and she gets on top. And I don't like to admit that, but yeah, she's always on top. The only way she can come is if she's on top. Ah, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Faced in the other way, probably. Yeah.

It is interesting that... I have bad news. Your girlfriend's never come. Yeah. She failed kindergarten, but she can fake an orgasm. I love it. Matt, do you have any special skills or talents? Oh, man.

Other than not making women come. Anything else? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Procuring cocaine in a jam. Didn't you wrestle or something? I did jujitsu for a few years. No, he was fighting you for cocaine. You'd be shocked at conversations you get into when you're out. Oh, man.

That should be a podcast called Two Bumps, One Coke. Yeah. Okay, hold on. This girlfriend, what does she do for work? She bartends here. Here? At this place? She's making drinks as we speak.

Oh, my God. That's incredible. Nice. Make sure you tip her because she's not being fucked properly. Matt Bellick, I love it when people with different levels of experience sign up for the show. You were great during this interview part and very fun stuff. Here's a cool, handmade, real Texas leather,

Kill Tony joke. Yes, thank you. Fun times. Thank you for signing up. Thank you for being here. Matt Bellick, everybody. All right, back to the bucket we go. It's wild out there, huh? Dom Car, D-O-M Car. You can't mess this one up.

Dom Car. Oh, shit, from the audience. Here we go. I've been waiting all night for this. Go all the way, Dom. Open that door for him. Yeah. I love it when people visiting sign up.

This is very exciting. Dom Car, most of the time, you're going to be on the show. You're going to be on the show. Dom Car, most likely a first-timer. So give him a big round of applause, everybody. Let's go. I miss the old racism.

You know? Not like lynching a black guy for saying a white girl has a fat ass racism, but like that late 90s, 1995 and above, they said that shit with their chest, you know? Not these internet races who like, you see a black dude beating up a white guy and they're like,

oh, and they won equality. Yeah. Yeah, so, no, so I'll tell your story back in the day. We, we, the KKK came through my small town, right? And me and my friend were like,

we want to go see him. My mom heard us and she was like, you can't go see them because, you know, they're going to fuck you up. He was full black. I'm only half. He'll kill him, but just fuck me up, you know what I mean? I'm not really going to die. But so, so she made us watch a documentary

and the doc at the end had the best line of all time. It said, it said, KKK is getting bigger. Aren't you glad you're not a nigger? That's all I got. Thank you. Wow. Okay, Dom Carr.

I've never heard an Indian guy say that word before. This is exciting. Very exciting. I love it. That's actually in my Twitter bio under pronouns. I told you BNN were next to each other. Dom Carr, let's talk about it. You said you are half black, right?

Half black, half German. Half German. Okay. Wow. So you definitely don't like Jews. That's incredible. I don't know. I'm not out there at the end. Yeah. Was your mom white?

My mom's a German. I love you. I love you too. Yeah, sure. A German guy with a black shirt. I just can't. Yeah, whatever. Come on, big guy.

I'm going to play games for you and tell the truth around here. You close with your mom and dad still? Yeah, my mom, but my dad's dad. Dad's dad. How'd that happen? Truck driver flipped it over. What? He was a truck driver and flipped it over.

Oh, shit. A black truck driver? Where did you think this was going? You're a true fucking comic. Did you hear what he just said? It's fine, everybody dies. What was he hauling when he died? I don't know. I was young as shit.

That was a dumb question, I apologize. You're still grieving. Do you have insurance? I'm a stupid fucking question. What road was he on? Did he drive for Budweiser? Because he might still be alive. This may be one of those old black dad tricks

where it's like, no, I died, but he just moves to fucking Austin to chase his dreams and fucking. I love it. What do you do for work, Dom? I'm going to school right now. I was in the Army for a while then doing the GI Bill type.

I love it, I love it, absolutely. An American hero. So what are you going to school for? Supply chain management. Supply chain management? So what exactly does that mean? What are you going to end up doing? You don't even know.

And they were like, what job can you make, like 70 starting off? Well, I'm learning now, of course, but I don't know what that is. This might be why we have so many supply chain issues. Yeah. Yeah, it is pretty interesting. What do you do for fun, Dom?

Well, like comedy. How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, that's my first time ever. Whoa! Good job, buddy. Wow, incredible. You're so likeable. You have such an incredible stage presence. I never even would have guessed that about you.

I mean, the set was rough, but this part, you're doing good, you know what I mean? You're just owning it, rolling with the punches. You started out in a hole with the race stuff because I don't think anyone felt comfortable. Because they didn't know what I was? Right. Your beard is very like

like a periscope. Periscope? I'm the only one that never mind. I guess no one was on periscope. But like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wait, what did you think of this? Do you remember Middle Eastern dudes ran periscope and they fuck... Fuck you guys. Just because we have two different life experiences doesn't mean I'm wrong and you're right. But so I think that no one got the black thing.

Yeah, yeah. So they got nervous, but then when you said I'm half black, everyone was like, oh, you're just gonna breathe on that first one. So tell us some more interesting things about your life. Where'd you go when you were in the army? I was in Clarksville, Tennessee. Oh, well, fighting the good fight

out in Clarksville, Tennessee. I was in Afghanistan. I was slapping them on the ass. Hell yeah. You're kind of a brown guy, so would your own soldiers ever see you and be like, oh! No, they were like... You have a little bit of a DJ Khaled

kind of look to you, you know what I mean? They're like, oh, another one. Every time he came back to the base, they're like, oh, what's up, darling? I love it. Do you have a crazy army story you could share with us on this crazy live podcast where the riskier thing that you tend to tell,

the more reward you get? I probably shouldn't say this because I'm still trying to get a job. You already said something you shouldn't say. That's how all the good ones start. If you've been called a nigger, you can say it. That's the rule, you know? Oh, wait, okay, hold on. Let me tell you my story.

I was with Sam Jay last night. She called me in a couple of times. I used to smoke K2 when I was in Afghanistan. K2 is synthetic marijuana. It's bad for you. It's terrible shit. We couldn't smoke weed because you got to get drug tested, you know? So I would smoke that

down Sniper Hill and I just would like think of... Wait, wait, wait. Catch us up to what Sniper Hill is. It's just a role where a lot of people get sniped. Oh, shit. Damn, I've smoked a lot of weed and done a lot of cool shit afterwards, but I never fucking hung out on Sniper Hill.

Woo! I love that Tony goes, Sniper Hill, what happened there? God forbid I walked down to Pussy Alley. I walked down to Pussy Alley. Ew, Pussy Alley, get me out of here. So you smoke K2, you're on Sniper Hill and then what happens?

No, that's just, it's just like... Oh. I thought you were going to shoot something or something. Told you I wouldn't do that shit. Alright, jeez. It's not exactly the sound for Sniper Hill, huh? It's a Sonari's water red band. Okay.

Did you grow up, did you grow up with, because you don't look like technically black. Yeah, no. Because you said you just said the N word, like did you go up saying the N word? Yeah, I mean I'm from the hood, like my mom moved from Germany to the hood. You grew up in Germany?

Nah, my brother and sister did, but then whenever she came here, we went straight to the hood because her husband at the time. What hood? I'm the way nobody ever said that. Shut the fuck up. We're from Central Illinois.

We're from Central Illinois. It's just about an hour drive to where you just said. I mean, both of my white parents are still together and we meet low three days a week together. Yeah, it's basically the hood. I can connect with that.

Shut the fuck up. Jesus Christ. So tell us about this hood you grew up in. I'm excited to know more. It's a small town, so it's only black and white. We didn't have no Mexicans or Asians that learned about them

once they joined the army. I know, I had to move to L.A. to figure out what all those people were. They didn't have them in Youngstown either. Very interesting. So what's the worst crime that you saw growing up? That I did or? Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Really? So, we were dumb and shit. I was 17 years old going the summer break and so this dude wanted to buy QP. So I was like, go quarter pound, sorry, sorry. Jesus fucking get the cop out of here.

Fucking square. Hey, why don't you go find an eight ball down Pussy Alley? Fucking shit. But yeah, so he wanted to buy, I should have just sold it to him, but my boys were like, you sell it to him and then we beat him up and then take his money. God damn right.

We hit like, tap one or cigarette and then beat him up and took it and they found the money on us and did a little time. How much time did you do? You're really rushing through this story. How much time did you do? How long? How much time did you do? How long did you go up to four? The first time just a week.

What was the second time? Because they take you on probation and so they get you. And when you're on probation... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's how they get you, my friend. Don't get it twisted. Don't get it twisted. I had imagined they got you and you're like,

come on, I'm half German, I swear. You fucking n-words. So 90 days, what was that like for you? Half German, half black, just in there fucking... Yeah, but it's a small town, bigger than all them, so... It's a small town. It wasn't scary or nothing like that.

Right, nothing happened. Yeah, I could do that time. If you're half black and half German, do you 90 days? So you were in jail for 90 days? Yeah, so you get sentenced to 90 days, you do like 45. Okay. Didn't that hurt you with the army or no? That didn't hurt you with the army?

Yeah. You only served half your sentence? Is that because you're only half black? They're like, well, he's half white, let's get him out of here. Very interesting. When a black guy serves half his sentence, is it just, shit, man, I don't know.

Just the rest of the sentences have finished. I'm too drunk. Hey, can I get one more cocktail? One more cocktail. Dom Carr, a very fun Kiltoni debut. Very fun first time ever on stage. Congratulations. Congratulations. I'm going to even give you a big joke book.

Here you go, my friend. Dom Carr, everybody. Oh, yeah, you're right. We've not had a female tonight, huh? You guys think we should get a lady up here, huh? We haven't had a female comedian yet tonight. It's not going to be Aaron. It's not going to be Alex.

It's not going to be Daniel. Not Weston, not Matt. Oh, is she here? Oh, the girl that we got confused about. That was Cat Owenby. Is she here here? All right, she got called earlier. Some guy named Owen took her spot.

This is Cat Owenby, everybody. Here we go. Let's see what happens. We've cleaned up the new system of, uh, pulling names out. Cat Owenby, everyone.

She's gone. I believe that means she's gone. How about Ivory Jones? Ivory Jones. Ivory Jones. Ivory Jones. Michael Gonzalez. Matt Mueling.

John Bees. Paul Deemer. And Eli Menezes. We're waiting for Ivory Jones, your only female bucket pool of the night. We are waiting. 189

sign-ups. It's Tony. Ivory Jones for the love of God. We're looking for her. We are getting a word that they are coming. Ladies and gentlemen, Ivory Jones.

I heard my name several times outside tonight. I swore it with me. It wasn't. Did you actually call Cat Owenby? Yes. All right. Sorry, I'm nervous. Um, so,

I'm here to tell you about my sweet precious baby boy. He's a teenager now and is interested in girls. Which means I have to sit down and have talks with him about things like consent

and respect and how, you know, sex should be about the spiritual as well as the physical connection. And all that other gay shit. Yeah. Unfortunately, this is my baby, my sweet boy.

His little hand used to fit right here in my palm. And now I have to sit down, look him in the eyes, talking about boobies and wieners. And the second I go to do it, my brain shits its pants and what comes out of my mouth is,

do not stick your dick at anyone. You do not want to be financially indebted to you for the rest of your life. Okay, some sage advice from cat Owen B. All right.

Is your name really cat? It's Kathleen, but I'm sick of people calling me Catherine, so I just cut the rest of it off. Very, very interesting. Yeah, I've never seen a cat your age before. Uh, you don't look like you own cats,

but don't go by the name. I actually do own a cat. Thank you very much. And I'm also, oh, 10-4. Oh, wow, great. Perfect. This is great. Check. No, all the power is up.

That's not me. You just have to... Were my jokes that good? This is what happens when female comedians perform at the mothership. Oh, huh? I lit the building on fire. Check, check, check, check. One, two. Very good.

They really followed all the rules that the Austin Fire Department laid out for them here in order to get the coding and everything correct. They bent over backwards. Spoiler alert, there's been a fire alarm pool every night since the club opened. It's been great. Perfect for showbiz.

Can I give you a little bit of technical advice? I was waiting for the things in your jacket to come out. I think when you have those in there... Is that an oxygen tank? What's going on? Dude, I have giant plastic things on my chest

and I was confused. Is that your notebook? You got to get a purse, dude. You got to head down to Madewell. Get a backpack, something. Last time I had a backpack, they wouldn't let me in with it. Was

everyone else confused about what that was? It was confusing. I was waiting for it to come out and the reveal was... Uh-oh. Your pockets look very full. Very full pockets. Okay, Kat, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

I don't give a fuck what's in your pockets. I have been doing stand-up comedy for about 95 seconds now. 95 seconds. Very good. First time. What made you want to start now? What made you want to do this? Actually, it was because I saw a video of David Lucas calling you

85 kinds of gay in less than five minutes. Right. And then you're like, I can't do that. I want to learn how to do that. No, my first... If he could do that, I can't do that. That was exactly it. If you could make money calling people gay,

that's what I want to do with my life. Alright, well... Yes, you can. I've done it in the mirror. What do you do for work now? Well, Walmart, are you a cashier? No, I... Yeah, it's worse than Walmart. I figuratively suck dick all day.

Okay, can you give us just an honest answer of what you actually did? You're going to do just fine as a female comedian. No. Literally, I walk people through pairing their phones to their cars through Bluetooth.

Oh. Over the phone, at home. Wow, so you're dealing with just fucking morons. Just sucking dick all day. Okay. I actually wish I was literally sucking dick because once the cash is on my side of the dashboard

I can stop talking. I'm guessing you're probably better at connecting Bluetooth than sucking dick. I am definitely better. Okay. How long have you been helping people connect their Bluetooth? Almost five years now.

What was your toughest case? Yeah. Aaron Belial? No, no, no. I brought the notebook for Aaron, just in case. No, my toughest case. I had a guy once call me

yelling and screaming because his phone wouldn't pair automatically to the car. We're going back. Dude, wait. Unbelievable. Did you turn it off and back on again? That's the trick. That's all you got to do is turn it off

and back on. Don't call me. Just turn it off and back on. There you go. Incredible. Incredible. And you have one kid? I have four kids.

Four kids. What are the ages? I have a husband, son, and twin daughters. The younger, they're eight. They just turned eight in December. Okay, that's Red Band's favorite age. No, I'm kidding. Wait, what? Seven, not eight.

Red Band's like the twins, so technically they're 16. You know what I mean? All right. Okay. So, Kat, what do you like to do for fun when you're not working and you're not... I like to torture my kids. Okay.

Tell them your jokes. Yeah. It steals their notebooks and smuggles them into her hoodies. Exactly. No, I make them do all kinds of fucked up shit. Like, clean up their own messes and bathe regularly. Hmm.

Yeah. Do you take solace in the fact that you're helping? Imagine someone who can't use the Bluetooth. What does it feel like when you finally get them connected? Oh, well... Hmm. It feels like I can finally

stop sucking dick. You talk about sucking dick a lot. That's literally the only thing holding my marriage together. Really? Wow. Is that true? You're doing it to him or he's out doing it to other people? Little bit of both.

Somebody's got to make the money. I just walk people through preparing their phone to their cars through Bluetooth. He's supposed to be the provider. If that means sucking dick, then on your knees, baby, on your knees. Can I give you a tip? Oh, I want to hear how much that sucks dick.

My husband gave me one earlier, but okay. No, I think you're awesome. I'm just saying, I'm realizing why when I started stand-up, people thought I was angry. That's better. Do that. Isn't that cuter? Not really, no.

I like it. Are you going to start doing stand-up now? Do you want to quit your job doing the Bluetooth thing? When I get better at it, I will. It's never going to happen for you. No matter what you do in a million years, you're so far off,

you have such little natural talent that even if you worked harder than everybody, it's really nothing could possibly happen. By the way, I did just fine, Tony. That's not true. I started with you. You were funny. Oh, thanks. This is like an anomaly.

She should be reading poems or something like that. I totally should. You have the demeanor of someone that could read fortunes. I'm actually confused. How are you talking to them that they can't figure out their Bluetooth? Are they on their phone going,

what do I do? Do you know your settings? Go to settings. And then they're like, great. And then you go, turn on your Bluetooth. And then they're like, yeah, I did it. And you're like, you're set. Now, most of my calls go something like,

yes, thank you for calling major automotive American company for help with your Bluetooth. What kind of phone are we going to be pairing today? Apple 12. Oh, Motorola flip phone. Okay. Oh, I see what you're doing now.

Are you parked close enough to get your house for your landline to reach your car? Oh, it's not fucking smart people. Yeah. It's all people who know how to use the sewing machines with the pedal on the bottom. Just so you know.

It's all people who type like this. Yeah. Well, you have to feel good though. You are doing the Lord's work. The Lord hates me. I bet you could make so much money off of them if you just swindled them a little bit. I bet you could make a bank account

that I can't get out. But if you send me $10,000, they'd be like, okay. You help me with my Bluetooth. I trust you. That is true. You've got to try it again though.

90 seconds, one time on stage, you really can't tell. You're probably nervous. You've got to give it a couple more shots before you know if you're nervous. I think you're also very extemporaneously great. We're being monsters to you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is monstrous. God, I had a fucked up childhood. Yeah, we can tell. Oh, thank God. Thank God I'm not alone. This is where you come. This is where you belong.

No offense. I think you should keep raising your kids. What's suburb 30 minutes outside of here do you live in exactly? I don't. I actually live right here in Austin. In the city? With the whole family?

Yep. Okay. What does the husband do for work? He's a kitchen manager at Aussie's Pizza. Go bother him. I love that you don't know where your husband works. I just don't know what kind of food he makes.

It's the volleyball spot that UT practices at. Okie dokie. Now we know why he hangs out there so much. Has anyone seen a collision volleyball match anytime soon? Fucking, as a dad I'm still like, I know I'm going to hell

but god damn it. It's it is ridiculous. I mean, that job is why my husband does not need Viagra. Thank god.

I look like this, he pictures them and I still get late. That's just Oh, good for you. I guess so. I guess I'm the only person that hates you and thinks you're unfunny in the room but I'm just going to roll with it.

Congratulations, Kat. Your first time ever doing stand-up comedy you're leaving with a little joke but Absolutely amazing. Congratulations. There you go. It shakes from the panel. We got to put an end to that somehow. You can put that in your pocket.

Absolutely. It's a huge security hazard. Thank you so much, Kat. Get the fuck out of here. Thank you. Jesus Christ. These fucking people. I just want to thank you again. Get the fuck out of here. Alright, should we put a ribbon on this fucking thing or what? Huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this. The first ever kill Tony at the mothership with a man that has done more sets than anybody ever in the history of the show. We've seen him do absolutely everything. He's an insane person and he kills all the time.

Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. Some people call him the Big Red Machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. Here we go. The one and the only. Here he is, folks. And just for the record,

I fucking went to kindergarten twice. There is nothing wrong with that. It was called Transition. A trans woman was just named International Woman of the Year only proving it's

still a man's world. But seriously, there was a change to the rules last year. Now, there's a change to the rules last year. Now, to be eligible, you have to have a dick. It reminds me of when I asked

Red Band if he thought women were funny and he said, only if you count trans women, Red Band, what did you mean by that? Holy shit, that was so weird. I just read where the TV show Night Court was found guilty of being America's favorite new comedy.

I'm excited to be in the comedy mothership. I was a little worried how Red Band would handle the moves so Red Band just know, I can be your hero, Red Band. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand

with you forever. You can take my breath away. Red Band, why did you tell me to put my cameo money in the fucking Silicon Valley bank, you piece of shit. That was all my money, bitch!

Okay, that's about time. William Montgomery doing what only a William Montgomery can do. Everybody else trying to fill a minute. William doing a minute 40 seconds every single week of brand fucking new stuff.

Unbelievable, the Big Red Machine still in full effect. You guys have seen him before, what do you think about him? Very funny. I love that fucking Night Court joke that really made me happy. Thank you, yeah, nobody else laughs. And I have to say, I'm kind of star struck right now. I loved you in American History

X and Fight Club. That was so cool, Mr. Norton. Thank you very much. Mr. Norton, you were really good in those. I love that. Thank you. I'm gonna catch a predator. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

what?! What the fuck?! Yeah, I was on two of those episodes, so... That's cool you remember me. Thank you. The Big Red Machine meets the machine.

Bert, what do you think about William Montgomery? I don't know, I can't say anything. I really enjoy it. He reminds me of a friend we used to have where there was like an unbridled energy and it's fun to watch and I'm like fucking

and I love the more confidence you get because the funner it is to watch you have fun on stage. What happened to your friend? Is he doing good now or what happened to him? He hung himself. Go! So hopefully you'll continue

reminding us of him. You'll be doing it any minute. Have you ever thought about putting a... What?! Putting a what? Have you ever thought about putting an end to it all? When I was drinking and doing a bunch of cocaine,

I specifically never had a gun because I probably would have ended up shooting myself with it. So I didn't... Yeah, thank you. I feel a bunch better. I've been on Ozympic. It's... Are you on Ozympic too?

No, I'm not on Ozympic. We're all on Ozympic. What do you think we're doing in Austin? Getting Ozympic. You look good, man. You look good. Are you a deadhead? Yeah, I love some Grateful Dead. You look good. I remember when he was more overweight.

Oh, he was a bloated pig. It was unbelievable. That's what quitting drinking looks like, Berg. Uh-oh. Who are you talking to? Black Kettle? The fuck? Look at Red Man and I talk about weight loss advice to each other.

Nothing better than getting... Like Colleen talking to the Grand Wizard of the KKK. Yeah. Preaching about getting healthy while being shaped like a snowman. That's incredible. Yeah. Absolutely. You are very fucking funny and you're fun to watch.

You're really fun to watch. Your energy is great. Everything. Your instincts are awesome. I don't know. It's like aggressive. It's weird. You're like carrot bottom. Oh, shit. I just totally fucking zoned y'all out right there.

What did y'all say? I literally was zoning you... So you're really not on Ozympic? I don't know Ozympic. No. I started taking Ozympic because of your fucking ass. Are you really not on it?

Uh-huh. I'm on Medformin sometimes. What am I on Medformin too? I take Medformin... By the way, Austin is more LA than LA at this point. The comics are talking about fucking Ozympic. Are you really on it?

Yes. No, it's because... Didn't you have Lyme's disease? I also have Lyme's disease. And I thought I had read you had Lyme's disease or something. No, you have cerebral palsy. You're... I love that he thinks you guys have so much in common.

Yeah, wait. I thought you had Lyme's disease. I was so excited for you to be here tonight. I thought you were on Zympic. I thought you had Lyme's disease. Do you like strawberry ice cream? I've been eating a bunch of... Where did you hear all that?

Wait, get off Reddit. I'm never fucking gonna get off Reddit. I swear to God, I fucking live on fucking Reddit. You love Reddit? Yeah, I'm never gonna get off Reddit! I swear to God, nobody's ever gonna give me off Reddit!

If you really did, you can stop me! Are you ever gonna stop going on Reddit? I'm never gonna stop. And I fucking found this dumbass one time. I was looking on Reddit like, I've never said this story. But fucking like a year ago, I saw some guy that was wishing me death threats.

I don't really get on it often, but I found this dumbass piece of shit. And I fucking ended up looking at his comments, and I was able to pinpoint he was from somewhere in Ohio, and I was able to find his fucking name and address and phone number. And I discovered his stupid mom had recently died,

so I sent him some message where I called him by his first name and asked him, how's your mom doing, so and so? And then he just deleted all his shit. But that's what he fucking got for wishing. And I still have your address, dumbass. I'm still gonna fucking kill you one night, you bitch!

I swear to God, I still have your address, dumbass, so... Are you ever gonna stop stalking me? I'm never gonna stop stalking this dumbass! Why do I feel like when you fuck women, you make them look you in the eye the whole time?

Because you're right, bitch! I'm never gonna stop making eye contact! Him during sex is just, look at me! Look at me! You're that guy. Or why do I feel like you hold the girl by the face? You have to stop. You have really taken this to a place it shouldn't have gone.

Why would you be saying that shit to me up here? Why would you be exposing me in front of all these fucking people? You've always owned it. You've always owned it. Are you ever gonna stop owning it? No, I'm never gonna stop fucking looking in girls' eyes

when I'm ejaculating inside. Fucking watching Nightcourt. I cannot believe that Nightcourt joke didn't give more love. Yes. The classic, classic sitcom from the, I believe, the late 80s. Yes, late 80s.

Why? Okay, it backfired on me. I'll go back to the drawing boards and... No, no, no, don't leave! Is there anything else interesting that happened this week? Let's catch up with the personal life of William Montgomery. Well, I've been saving...

I've been saving a whole bunch of time. Tony, I realized I can brush my teeth and TT at the same time, and it's saving me like a minute out of every single day. Are you sitting down while you're doing this? No, I'm standing up. My TT stream

goes all over the place, so I have to get better at it, but yeah, man, I've been saving like a minute out of every single day brushing my teeth and peeing at the same time if anybody needs a life hack. I get like an extra minute out of every fucking day, and Tony, those minutes add up. You do that because you like to do that?

Do you like love doing that or something? I just have a really shy bladder a lot of the times I go in bathrooms and pretend like I'm peeing and don't pee and still flush the toilet and then walk back in the bathroom like 10 minutes later. But Tony, I think this really is...

It's really helping my shy bladder. It's really helping me loosen up down there. It's really... Tony needs a life hack. Yeah, it takes it. You get like an extra minute. That's seven minutes a week for just extra stuff you can do. So...

I really have been doing this, Tony. This past week, I've been working on it. What are you doing with the extra time that you have now that you've saved on a daily basis from both peeing and brushing your teeth at the same time? Have you started new hobbies or anything like that?

It's those things. Remember those puzzles where you put words, a bunch of letters in like a square and then you find the words inside of the letters. I've been doing those a whole lot. A word search, is that what that's called? Yeah, a lot of words. Mr. Norton, do you ever do the word search?

Yes, I do. Yeah. William's still convinced that Edward Norton is on the panel tonight. Yeah. You are insane in American History X. You are nuts in that. Thank you very much. Oh, no, no. I meant every word of it.

It's not that fucking funny, dude. Holy shit. William, how does it feel performing in front of one of your favorite actors here tonight? It's really exciting. I mean, after I heard you weren't picked for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the main thing,

I was thinking that was going to be a downward spiral in the career, but you really saved it with, I think you were the voice and up for something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There really was a big rebound and I really, truly appreciate it. That is a sad fucking movie, the first 10 minutes.

Holy shit. How did you compose yourself? You're in luck though, because I am casting a new film, Louis C.K. The Homeless Years. Yeah. Oh, look at the wheels turning over here. Oh, my God. Oh, look at this. Yeah, I mean, I'm just trying to have

fucking fun tonight and my favorite fucking actor is busting my balls up here. I know, right? William Montgomery. What else, William? Anything else new other than word searches? Word searches, a lot of

mustard and mayonnaise on my sandwiches. Wait, wait a second. Hold on a second, because you said that a specific way just that. You didn't say mustard and mayo. I've been using a lot of mustard and mayo on my sandwiches. There was a real slang there. Can you explain why you said it that? Yeah, I just

been, you know, a bunch of mustard and mayonnaise sandwiches. Wait, wait. Have you been? Mustard and mayonnaise sandwiches? Wait, wait a second. You need a bunch of mustard and mayonnaise sandwiches? Wait, did you go to prison this week? I've been using mayonnaise and mustard

sandwiches. Who have you been hanging out with while eating mustard and mayo sandwiches? Because it seems like... I mean, my mom a lot. She's back in town. Mayonnaise and mustard. Is there anything else on the sandwiches that you're eating other than mustard?

It's just fucking mayonnaise and mustard, Tony. I literally lost all my fucking money in the fucking Silicon Valley Bay. Red Band really told me to put my money there. So you get two slices of bread, and you get mustard and mayo out, and you put mustard and mayo in

between the bread, and then you just eat it? Both sides. Man, I spread that shit on both sides. Tony, you know I spread that shit on both sides. Man, mayonnaise and mustard on both sides. That's stupid.

Man, I eat that shit with both sides. That's just a regular sandwich. If you eat this sandwich with both sides, that's a... Is this the new thing you're doing, the mustard and mayo sandwiches? Are you planning on ending that anytime soon? Are you going to keep doing that? I'm taking it to the

Orphan, baby. Wait, what was that? You're taking it to the what? The Orphium. It's just some theater. I'm going to be... I have to get a new job. I'm working at the fucking Orphium after everything tanked this past week. It's been

so bad. Oh, you lost all your money. Yeah, it's bullshit. Everything tanked. Wow. Put my 401k in that fucking thing. Everything's fucking gone. Wow. What did you put in it?

401k. Oh, yeah. I put my 401k in the...in what, the Nasdaq? What? What? I don't even know what Nasdaq... Move!

Ha, ha, ha. Is that somebody's name? Richard Nasdaq? Who's Nasdaq? I don't know. William, you are an unstoppable force. I mean, every single week you come out, you have a longer interview

than anybody. We keep you up here. You stretch it out. You fucking find a way to continue to improvise and be silly. Jim, any closing words for William? Very funny. Very enjoyable. Really unique. Just great. Love you. Thank you.

Shut the fuck up, pussy! Yeah. Yeah. Save it for the YouTube comments. Faggot. Bird, any closing words for William? He's an absolute superstar.

Selling out all over. Featuring for everybody. Me, Duncan, Segura, Joe, he's killing it. He moved to Austin, took a fucking chance. Driving. So fucking funny. I love it, man. I'm so lucky that I get to laugh like that.

That was fun as shit. God damn right. The great Whitney Cummings. Any final words? I can't get enough of you. I know. Well, I bet if you stayed in your house, you could. Yeah, I swear I would look you right in your fucking eyes.

William, when you go to L.A., maybe you should fucking hang out at Whitney's house. Whitney, what do you think? It would be a pleasure to be strangled by you to death. Thank you so much, and I can bring the Ozympic. Thank you so much. William Motherfucking Montgomery,

ladies and gentlemen, and like that, we did it. We did it. Razzle Dazzle comes out tonight at midnight. On Netflix, the new Burt Chrysler, what is this, number four or five?

Number five for Burt Chrysler. Thank you. Memorial Day. The machine comes out. This motherfucker has a fucking movie people. Unprecedented in the comedy world. Have your own movie, especially as a white guy. So that's like extra

crazy. Here's the deal. Should I not have said that? Go to themachine.movie pre-order your tickets. We're doing a live in theater event and that'll stream directly into the theaters. Thank you guys for your support. How loud can this place get

for the great and powerful Jim Norton, everybody, huh? My God. Thanks, Tony. Whitney really helped me book tonight's episode, and when I realized we were having Jim

and Burt and Whitney, I'm like, what a great way to start this Austin mothership kill Tony thing with one of the best from New York. My favorites from LA and fucking unbelievable energy. I knew it was going to be fun. We got through it together. Whitney.

And there's more coming because April 1st on OnlyFansTV, not only fans, OnlyFansTV, it's free. We're roasting Burt Kreischer. Remember the Comedy Central roasts? We're bringing them back. We're roasting Burt Kreischer. Tony's on it. He fucking destroys Jim Norton's

on it. And this comes out four days before that, and I do believe we're in at starting right now if you're still listening to the podcast. Exclusive video footage of my performance. It might be some scenes that were deleted airing right now. It's a special treat

at the end of this episode, so that's going to start right about now. Live audience, thank you guys so much for coming out. I mean, what an epic time to start this new partnership. This show ran out of the Comedy Store for eight years.

It's just an only live podcast to come out of there. And we have a bunch of crazy shit that we're doing in the very near future. So I'm very, very excited. Thank you guys so much. Good night, everybody. We love you. Thank you. The drawing from the drawing. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We have a couple more things. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt is in that shows right now on the podcast. And we have a drawing from live local artist, Chris Rogers who drew William Montgomery tonight right up there while you all watched tonight's episode.

Yeah, the great William Montgomery. I do believe he might be auctioning that off after this episode to try to get your orders and how about one more time for the best band in the land, the screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony Bant, John Dees, Paul Deemer,

Eli Menezes, Matt Muelink, and Michael Gonzalez, everybody. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.