KILL TONY - #604 - RON WHITE

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

Ron White, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/20/2023���THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything golden pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for TonyHinchCliff.

You guys ready for the best goddamn night of your lives tonight or what, huh? Yippee. It's Red Band, everybody. Look at him. Hey, everybody. It's him live in the flesh. The real deal. How we feeling out there tonight?

Yeah. You guys are at Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka, the great gel blaster available in stores everywhere, Austin Security Guard Service and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey presents the Kill Tony Band, everybody. Am I right? You got to hear live music and the live music capital of the world by some of the best on planet earth. That's the great Paul Deemer on the horns over there.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the powerful Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Bees on the keys. And for his first time at the comedy mothership, D-Madness is with us, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. What a night we have in the store. But before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made this all available to you here. Now, hey, y'all, profiling, surveillance, data harvesting, there are a lot of things

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Yo Kratom.com home of the $60 kilo. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Oh, well, this is a special one. Our guest tonight, not only one of my favorite comedians of all time, one of my best friends, but he's also the one that got Rogan and me and Segura and Trussell and everybody to fucking move here to this, the new comedy capital of the world, the man truly responsible for it all. One of the greats.

Ron White, everybody, let's go. Oh, shit, the great, the powerful Ron White. One of the greatest comedians, one of the coolest humans on planet earth and a great kill Tony guest. Welcome back. Can you do that intro one more time? One of the greatest comedians of all time, one of the coolest guys on planet earth. Ron White is here.

Everybody. How fun. How fucking fun. We're going to have fucking fun tonight. You've done the show multiple times. You know all about it. You're a goddamn hero here where you have been a guest many times in Austin, Texas and a few times in Los Angeles.

You know how it works. A bunch of comedians signed up, believe it or not, people, there might be more people in the back alleyway right now, hoping that I pull one of these names out. And if I do, they get 60 seconds of uninterrupted standup comedy. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is a loud, very loud noise that just cuts them off. And then I interview them.

We find out more about them. We learn as much as we can in a short period of time. Maybe they're interesting. Maybe they're crazy. Anything can happen. You guys know what the fuck is up. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Normally, of course, we could pull a name out of the bucket.

There are so many people waiting. It's incredible. But as you may know, we have some regulars on this show. This guy that starts every single show is a fucking monster. Very, very interesting character. One of a kind. We got to watch him go from living in his van to living his fucking dreams. Anywhere he wants to go, he goes there, he sells out.

He does a great job. Slightly autistic. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Hans Kemp. What's up? I love it here in Austin, but I'm not a big fan of tech bros. I think people in the 20s who made washing machines and refrigerators were like, yeah, I work in tech. Had a little lanyard.

I saw a woman try to break up a fight by yelling out, stop fighting, you're grown men. I wonder what she yells out when she sees teenagers fighting. Although this is totally appropriate for your maturity level. Yeah, love it here in Texas. I think it's great to finally be doing another minute here on Kill Tony. I did one yesterday. Please be easy on me. A Mexican cartel recently killed two Americans and they apologized for it, which is great.

My American passport doesn't get me healthcare, but if I go to Mexico, I get treated like a panda bear like, all right, thank you. Oh, listen to the murmurs happening in this audience. They know they're seeing something special right now. Hans Kim has a new hot white girlfriend and she has been literally fucking his brains out and we got to watch you really hit your fucking limit this week. You can write a minute a week and it turns out you can write a minute, 20 seconds a week. We found out we did a taping yesterday, which we very rarely do hard to write two minutes

in one week. You've proven that here if we anyone question it, let there be no you seem preoccupied tonight. Is there any reason for that at all? Not really. I'm sober. I didn't do cocaine today. I have a mistake. I see the problem.

Maybe this is what's happening. We watch you go from barely having money for food to literally we find found out last night you've been doing cocaine on a regular basis. This is what I love about this show is that no one knew Hans two and a half years ago. And here we are two years later. We followed what it's like for somebody to fucking make it. And now we're starting to see your rock and roll downfall. That's the set they're going to show when they're like and then the problem began in

Europe here talking about fucking Mexican cartels and panda bears or whatever the fuck. How do you feel, Hans? What else is going on in life? I feel good. I crashed my drone into the side of a parking garage recently. Wow. Asian problems, ladies. Oh my goodness.

And to the side of a what was it? Parking garage. Okay. Did you break it? You damaged it and I sent it in for repairs. You don't just do that yourself? Isn't that like part of what you guys do? Don't you make the drone in the first place?

More of the laundry type of Asian. There you go. There you go. There you go. I know I know somebody who just wrote another five seconds just next week just got a little bit easier. It's a shame you didn't have that up your sleeve, which you could do because you specialize in laundry.

So I love it, Hans. You got the you got the show started. As always, you've shown people exactly how hard it is to do a new minute. Like I said, back to back nights, that's not easy at all. You're out here fucking live in the dream. How do you feel? I feel great. Yeah.

I'm going to try to, you know, make you proud next next week, Tony. This is my son, my Daniel son. One more time for him, everybody. Not an easy gig at all. Not an easy gig. A new minute every week to the Internet is some scary shit. About one more time for Hans, everybody. You can still hear you.

It's a long walk to that green room from here, I promise you, especially after that kind of set. Make some noise for your first comedian out of the alley tonight. It's Kat Owenby. Could be somebody from the audience. How many of you guys signed up by round of applause tonight? A lot of cowards out there. There's a lot of people that wanted to see Gladiator's Battle tonight.

Some scared souls. Don't worry, you'll think you could do it by the end of the night. Kat Owenby. These people have to get fucking wanded. We steal their phones. It's amazing. It's a great system. It takes a second, though.

That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim. Hey, it's Kat Owenby. Hi, so the other day I noticed I really, really need to lose weight. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I don't have quite a full-on fat skirt. Just a little tubby tutu. I was like, oh, god, if I don't get rid of this, I'm going to wind up on the cover of

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Speaking of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models, who would you rather fuck, Elon's mom or what's her face? Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. She's going to be playing Gilbert Grape's mom in the woke reboot. I hear she's even got a cameo appearance coming up in the Johnny Depp Amber Heard biopic as the bed. Mike, down a minute.

No meow yet. I'm cold and I'm nervous. Oh, goodness. All right. No meow yet. No meow yet. Okay. Jesus Christ.

One of these nights. That was the longest minute I've ever been through. I know. I mean, for both of us, not just you, I know you're, that was a long goddamn minute. This is so fucking hard, man. Yeah, it was. I swear to God, I was watching it. Everything was slow motion, absolutely incredible.

We have to have a better system than this, Red Band. Thank you. Very good. Okay. Jesus. Cat Owen B. So I do remember you were just on the show a couple weeks ago. It is incredible.

You are very, very lucky and we are very unlucky to see you twice. I do believe in two weeks. You are unforgettably unfunny. I told you I didn't like you. I remember specifically because someone, a very prominent human said I was a little too mean to the lady that night. And let me tell you, I told him I completely fucking disagree. I just find you to be unbelievably God awful at this, but you're very new, right?

Very, very new. Very, very new, but you're just out here trying. Trying and failing. Yeah. Yeah. Has anyone ever told you that you're funny? No. No way it happened.

No way it happened. It's so interesting to me that you want to do this. This is like, I always wonder how people start wheelchair basketball or something like that, right? Like you're in a wheelchair, you're not really built for basketball, you know what I mean? Like an unfunny person doing comedy is fucking crazy, you know, it's like a little, I don't know. I'm just trying to learn good fundamentals.

Are you learning? Slowly, slowly, slowly. Okay, like give us one thing that you've learned. You've been doing what? Two weeks? Yeah. Right. Okay.

To be funny or to try. There we go. Unbelievable. Okay, cat OMB. And this is something you really want to do. I just wanted to get out of the house. I've been trapped. Congratulations.

You did it. You can, you can phone it in from here, baby. Yeah. That was a good premise though. I mean, the sports illustrator model, that was a good premise. You got some ideas. You know, she's only been on stage for a minute and 20 or what, two minutes. So what do you fucking want, Tony?

She's a real alley dweller out here. It is incredible. Pretty bad though. Yeah. So many people have been doing this, so many people prepare for their first or second time. But not you. You just wanted to get out of the house. You could literally have gone anywhere where you don't ruin 400 other people's nights and

a part of a show that perhaps millions of people will one day watch. But here you are just really fucking just throwing your dent right into everything. The best part is just making you miserable, Tony. Right. That's the fun part. How about this? If I, if I give you $15 a week to never come here again. For the rest of your life.

I've never, I don't know why 15 seems like the magic number to me. But I picture it being like, oh, it's like a Whataburger meal and a half or something like that. Like I feel like you could sit in the parking lot and think about jokes or something. Huh. 15 bucks a week. What do you think? About 20. Whoa.

Well, someone told Joe Rogan, I want a $20 a week raise. I think the audience will chip in though. We will chip in. We'll give all get a couple bucks, you know, a month. Pat. You guys want to. Perhaps one of the coolest things that's ever happened in the show's history. Someone has done so bad that we are auctioning off.

They're not doing comedy ever again. Welcome to Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. Where dreams literally come to die. This is a hospice center for dreams. Right. Kat, we're going to try to figure it out. We will see. We will follow up on this story.

The bid is at 20. We're going to, we have the business managers putting the numbers together in the back right now. We're going to figure it out. And, but in the meanwhile, best of luck to you, Kat Owen B. It took me six months to make $1 doing standup comedy. You've got me B. All right.

All right. Nobody paid me right away. And you got the chips coming in. You got the chips coming in. Good. Good. Ladies and gentlemen, Kat Owen B. There she goes.

Everybody. There she goes. All right. Back to the bucket. Wow. I like this. I like the start of this show. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

Mickey Housley. Mickey Housley. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well, you guys must be having a fucking blast so far. We know Mickey Housley. He is hilarious. He not only has been on the show before, but is a regularly booked comic on the secret show.

He opens up for us and Rogan all the time. He's a fucking monster. I'm very excited that he got pulled out of this bucket right now. Mickey Housley. Mickey Housley. All right. Here we go. Yeah.

Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Mickey. One more time. Come on. Yeah. So I'm trying to work on being more confident. I got a homegirl that's super confident in herself, right? She's married and she's always talking shit about her husband.

She's like, yeah, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's and she's always talking shit about her husband. She's like, yeah, he's, he's lucky to have me. I'm his trophy chick and I'm looking at her and I'm like, you must be participation trophy because you ain't all that. They give you to anybody. I'm new here to Austin about a year now, man. Austin, I'm told y'all have a street where all the hookers be.

And yeah, 12th street is what I heard where all the hookers be. I'm from Houston. We have a street to call business that that's where all the hook. He knows. That's where all the hookers be in Houston business. Right. I don't think about hookers. They have weak teeth.

Right. I got one of those business hookers man and she gave me had and her two fell out. Yeah, it was weird. I didn't know what to do. I just left the money under her pillow. I didn't know what. $40 in my health insurance card right there for you.

Thank you. I'm Mickey house. Thanks. Fuck. Yeah. Mickey house. Either you're hilarious or going up after cat. Oh, and B is a special, special treat.

Thank God you're here, Mickey. You're a funny man. Thank you, bro. It's a brand new minute. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. Hookers tooth fell out.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man. I was wow before the marriage, man. I was yeah. I was out there, you know, not getting enough cat. So, you know, we paid a few times.

Was it a molar or like a front tooth? Yeah. It was like a front tooth. Good question. You know, you can check up just by crowd. It must have been real weak already because that. Yeah. I don't want to.

I don't want to front like, like I was so massive that I knocked out our two. Oh, and I, but yeah, I think I had a head start. It should be a word for that losing a tooth sucking a black car. What would we call that? Like a roots canal. So stupid. I don't know why that's what I'm good at. It's embarrassing.

It's so weird. Stupid word. Shit. It's a new porno category roots canal. Watch these bitches lose they teeth. It's dope. That is incredible. So did that happen like in a car in a hotel room or?

Yeah. It was, it was a car, but you know, for joke purposes, you know, we fabricate. Okay. Yeah. Make it. Yeah. You know, it was car. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Is that what you do when you pick up a street hooker is go get a hotel room. You don't get your dick sucked right in the back seat of the car. Yeah. Yeah, you do.

I don't know what you just said, Ron. I ain't gonna lie. I can't remember. It's real Texas. I love you, Ron. But no, I, uh, yeah, man. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah, man. It's fun watching this language barrier between a white Texan and a black guy originally from, I believe, Detroit, right? Where was it? No, I'm from Houston. Houston. That's right. Yes.

The Detroit of Texas. I forgot. I was close. I was close. Yeah. My dad's from Flint. That's where I think you keep getting the Detroit. Flint, Michigan?

Yeah. The water still fucked up. But it's cool, yeah. There are a lot of hookers are losing their teeth, getting their blowjobs. The water's gone bad out in Flint. You can get any hoe you want in Flint. All you got to do is have two bottles of fresh water and you're like, ah, he's so handsome.

They're like, is that a bottle of water in your pants? Because I really hope it is. They hung like a camel over there. Man, those bitches are thirsty. Did your dad still live in Flint? No, no, no. He died. But he got kids still in Flint.

My dad had a bunch of, my dad was a hoe and he got a bunch of kids. I got older brothers and sisters in Flint. My dad was also a hoe, I don't know what that's like. Incredible. So how's comedy been going, Mickey? It's been cool, Tony, just out here. It's been cool. Yeah.

You've been doing it a while, right? Yeah. I've been doing it for 14 years on March 18th, so I'm having my little birthday, yeah. And I just had a birthday, a bad bitch turned 36. I love it, what did you do for your birthday? Man, I ain't do shit. And I ain't, you said, what, 87, he's good at math. Yeah, yeah, I didn't do nothing, man.

I just, I just, I just chilled some, a good friend of mine came and bought me like two pair of J's and, and Jordan's, yes, and thanks, I had no idea could have been joints. I thought it was pajamas. What an odd gift for a grown man, no cap. The threes and the sixes, if and the mafia's, yeah, and the, yeah, good. Okay, Mickey, an unbelievable set. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, if you can. Just got booked on a show.

Mickey Housley, you're a goddamn monster. We love you. There he goes. Mickey Housley, everybody. Cool. Do I get a joke book or no? Okay. You already, you have a big one already.

I have one already. I'm just, yeah. Okay. My bad, Tony. You're good. You're good. Put the mic in the, put the mic in the mic, Stan. He almost left with the microphone there for a second.

You guys, I was like, thank you. You wouldn't give him another book. All right. You guys having fun out there? He is? Okay, let's do that then. Ladies and gentlemen, another regular on this show. Again, these guys had to write fucking two minutes and a few days this week, so it's

tough work, but a monster, ladies and gentlemen. Christopher's unbelievable roasting, writing, and performing. You know him. You love him. It's David motherfucking Lucas, everybody. Yeah. There we go. Dating was so much better when fat bitches had less confidence.

For real. Because ever since Lizzo came out, all these hoes with jiggly arms is out of pocket, nigga. Like how you gonna say you love me when you won't do no push-up and no sit-up, bitch? How the fuck I'm supposed to believe that? I don't even know how Lizzo got voted to be this spokesperson for fat women. Like she the worst type of fat bitch. She a fat bitch with no titties. It's like, what the fuck?

That's the only reason I fuck with fat hoes for them sausage patty areolas, you know? Don't nobody even want Lizzo, man. She got that big wide-ass booty, man. That shit is horrible. Lizzo booty looked like she been sitting on a hibachi grill. That is the worst. Like I need some garlic butter and noodles with this ass. Where's the yum-yum sauce?

I appreciate you. Boom, beats. He did it. Fuck yeah. Incredible. Incredible. I'm just trying to see how your jacket is. Another brand new minute.

What? It's a hoodie. It's just a normal hoodie. Not all of us wore a ghillie suit out tonight. Are you trying to catch Bigfoot or something? What's going on out here, dude? What's this attire? Shut your laughing tap in.

I'm going to get out of the way here. Oh, no. I need to hide mine, Ron. Ron, why did this motherfucker told his clue? No, that's great. You look great today. Thank you, man. You look like a gay bottle of mustard, nigga.

It's called gray poop on. Oh, you son of a bitch. I might be a bottle of mustard, but you're a... All right. I almost said the N-word just then. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. We've been making fun of each other for five years,

and we're running out of shit. Right, bro. I can't rose the world white because he a legend, man. Don't you even... I'm not, nigga. That's my boy. You know what I'm saying? I actually will say the N-word.

He'll say the N-word if you... No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I know he will. He will. He will. He will. No, I'm kidding.

I'm joking. I know he will. He was born during that time, nigga. You know what I'm saying? He can get away with it. When it was acceptable. Yeah, man. I was over there in the gas station,

fucking two niggas come out with bottles of water. I said Nicaragua. I love it. Even if Ron said the N-word, would anybody really be mad? You know what I'm saying? I'd be like, okay. No, he's beloved. No making fun of Ron.

I've noticed you never really make fun of the band, though. What we got? Let's see. Last night, he told Shane Gillis that he looks like he plays wheelchair basketball. Unbelievable. They have been one of the funniest things I've ever heard of my entire life. I can't joke on these. He's a black Israelite.

There's 30 niggas outside in robes. You are? I didn't know you were one of those. He's a black Israelite, man. All right. You won't see John Dees again on next week's episode. I'm kidding. I love the black Israelites.

I walked past them the other day with a white girl. They was like, do you know you fucking the devil? Did you respond to that? I just kept walking. I'm like, y'all niggas ain't in my position. You're like, I know I'm fucking the devil. Let's go. Let's get the fuck out of here.

Michael Gonzalez. If you had to say something about Michael, what would you say? He's the same height when he stand up and sit down. Oh shit. Oh my God. That motherfucker went from four two to four eight. Yeah, I was gonna say. That's incredible.

He's really just standing on the stool when he's doing that. That nigga is a 38 13 year old. Absolutely incredible. He matters don't even know how he looked for a rose to hurt him. Right. Right. It's like if I roast him, he's gonna be like, uh, okay. He might think he might think he Mexican.

What about Matt Mueling over here? Matt Mueling. He's a good boy. Always has nothing but nice things to say about it. He looked like the spitball champion of Russia. Spitball? What? Oh, you're starting to sweat.

I turned around. I turned around. You were dry. You didn't have a Matt Mueling joke ready, huh? I just came over some bullshit. I turned back around. He was soaking wet. It looks like someone threw a water balloon at you.

Oh shit. I ain't gonna tell you when you lift your jacket up. We like the fucking... Nope. Nope. Nope. Didn't work. I was just gonna talk about how your stomach hangs out.

Oh. Should we talk about? Never mind. Anyway. You like things that hang out. Yeah, we gotta get some guests that we can roast, man. Me and Tony are gonna roast with each other for 35 hours. Yeah.

It's at the bottom of the barrel now. I can't call them gay no other way. Right. It's true. It's the bottom of the barrel and you're gonna be throwing it against ladders and shit. All right. Well, David, unbelievable as always.

Yeah. Really, really, really extra, literally double work for the regulars this week and you came through just working beats, doing what you do. Yes, sir. Making it look easy. Yeah. Making Hans Kim look like a bitch.

That's my boy. What he did? What did Hans do? He had a little struggle. He had about 20 seconds and then he started talking about how happy he is to be a regular on Kyltoni and went on this monologue. He got his phone out for references.

He basically drank a cup of his own warm sperm up here. Yeah. Hans is gonna be all right. He gotta get into the place. You know what I'm saying? William had been doing it for five years. I've been doing it for four years. He just gotta get into that position

to where this don't affect him anymore. When he go out, people call his name and all type of different types of bitches and fuck him. Now, once he gets used to that, it'll be all right, man. He's fucking one of the devils right now. David Lucas, unbelievable as always. Yeah.

Love you, David. Yeah. Hey, man, make sure y'all pull up on me the first week of April. I'm in Milwaukee, Ontario, Irvine, in the Oxnard Improv. How about you, boy? DavidLucascomedy.com.

Joel Runyon. Joel Runyon is next. One more time for David Lucas, everybody. How we feeling out there? You guys still having fun? How's Laguna Beach? How you doing out there? You okay?

Yeah, I like what you did there, that fucking... Ladies and gentlemen, Joel Runyon, everybody. I'm not going to therapy. You can't make me. My last girlfriend tried to. She'd always try to guilt me saying things like, Joel, why are you scared to open up? Why are you afraid of being vulnerable?

Why are you so opposed to going to therapy? And I told her, I'm not opposed to going to therapy. I'm opposed to how much therapy costs. Because you guys been to therapy? It's like $150 an hour. $150 an hour. It's crazy. I'm not doing that.

I got better things to do. Like drinking. I was drinking a lot at the time, because I was dating her. She'd always say stuff like, if you spend all the money, you're spending on alcohol and therapy. Maybe you'd fix some of these problems.

And I can... Ah, fuck. Too much drinking. But I told her, I was drinking like an $8 rum and coke at the time. I told her, if I was spending all the money, I'd spend on alcohol and therapy. I mean, what?

12 minutes of therapy? It's 3 minutes of therapy. I did the math. That's when I decided. You know, they say alcohol... Ah. Joel Runyon, all the way to the bear. I get a feeling the crowd loved that.

Joel. All right. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. How much drinking are you really doing? I'm doing no... I've had four drinks since the beginning of the year, so not that much.

Wait, what? I've drank like four times since January. Oh, okay. I thought you had like a problem or something. No. Sometimes. So why did your girlfriend want you to go to therapy? Oh, she did.

We're not together anymore. Ah, I should have gone to therapy. Yeah. But you had trouble affording it? No, I just... That was a back-up part of the joke. It's what? It's the back part of the joke that I missed.

What? I just think there's better ways to spend money than therapy. Well, I don't know if you know this, but there is a... an issue with that. I don't know if you know this, but there is an amazing, amazing website called TalkSpace.com

and you can literally speak to a therapist for much less, much, much less than going to a normal therapist. It's affordable and in-network and with most major insurers. It's secure, private, using the latest end-to-end, bank-grade encryption technology to store client information

and complying with the latest HIPAA regulations. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $100 off your first month with TalkSpace when you go to TalkSpace.com slash Tony. That's right. TalkSpace.com

slash Tony. There you go. I finally just made the money to pay off Kat Owenby for a few weeks. You can kiss her ass. Goodbye. She's dead to me. All right, Joel, let's talk about it. Have you been on the show before?

I have not. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like three years. Okay, where at? Basically, around town. I've been to... Austin, Texas. Is this where you're from?

No, I'm from Chicago. How long have you lived here? Five years. What made you move here five years ago? Well, I was traveling. Basically, nomadic and then taxes and everybody's moving here. So I thought at 2018,

I was like the last one here and then the whole crew showed up. Right, look at the trend that you started. I did it. Thank goodness for you. We all got word that Joel Runyon made it here. Let the party begin. That's true.

But you talked about drinking during your set. Am I correct? Am I crazy? What did you say? I just wrote down drinking. Yeah, I fucked up the joke, but the idea was that therapy, you can fix anything if you want to spend $150 on it.

So they said alcohol won't solve all your problems. Okay, let's start over. Let's start over, Joel. Three years in the game. Why don't you do your best joke that you've ever written? Three years. Let's just hear it.

Because that couldn't have been your best minute, right? It was better, but it's bright up here. Do you normally do dark rooms? I do a lot of open mics, so that's a lot of empty rooms. Right. Hard to tell. I think it would work better in an empty room. Yeah, it sounded like an empty room.

There we go. Your beats and your timing for an empty room are impeccable. I'd like to know what your process is. You knew you were going to come up here. You knew you were going to do 60 seconds. How do you get ready for that? What do you do? Yeah, I just fumbled the joke is what happened.

I mean, that joke is like a two to four minute joke. It has a lot more stuff into it. And you left out the setups and the punch lines? Yeah, most of the funny stuff. You decided to trim the... I was like, here's the structure. Trim the beef and leave the fat on the cutting board. Just don't eat this.

Good meat. We shall chew tonight. We shall chew the sweet fat of unfunnyness. All right. Joel, what do you do for work? I work for myself. I have a fitness company called Impossible. Well, sounds about right.

Is that short for impossible to listen to? Yeah. All right. What's special about your gym? It's not a gym. It's a website and company. Okay. So what does your website do?

So basically take on different physical challenges and go out and do this. Like double there? The physical challenge? Like ultramarathon? Is that the right show? Do I might be getting my shows? I think so.

That's right. Double there, right? Thank you. I don't know what that is. Shut the fuck up. It was stupid. Okay. How old are you?

35. 35. You watch Double Dare as a kid? I don't know what that is, no. You didn't have Nickelodeon? No. Wow. You didn't have cable?

I got friends houses, but not my place. Okay. Why was that? Tell us about this. I don't know. I'm trying to find you endearing. Go ahead. Yeah.

I don't think I watch as much TV as a kid. I watch like Saturday cartoons. Okay. What were you doing when you were a kid? I played basketball. I had a lawn mowing business. I worked a lot. Okay.

What do you think the most interesting thing about you is in the world? Like if you could give us a fun fact about your life? I ran an ultramarathon on every continent. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Wow. If you can't afford therapy, run from your demons.

Incredible. Every continent. What was your favorite continent? Antarctica is the easy one because people are like, oh, Antarctica. Finland was like more interesting because it was like more of an expedition. Kind of got lost in the middle of it, ran out of water. You're just trying to survive at that point. So it was less of a race.

A lot like your stand-up set tonight. Very incredible. That's what I do, man. That's what I do. I love it. Well, Joel, you got on stage tonight. Here's a little joke book from the Great Bones Eye. It's a little one.

It's got an actual bomb on it. He's adding more details to these cool little joke books. Just throw it on in there, Joel. There you go. How about one more time for Joel Runyon, everybody? I like how you handed it off on that time. I knew he wasn't going to catch it. I'm not going to throw it.

I know a non-catcher when I see one. He literally kept saying how he fumbled his set. What am I going to do? Throw a joke book at the guy? Boo. Eric Berry. Eric Berry is next. Fun.

Fun, fun, fun. How many of you guys think that you're funnier than Kat Owenby? Wow, that's a lot. Meanwhile, you guys didn't sign up. How many of you think you're funnier than Joel Runyon? Ooh. Very interesting. I warned you.

I told you by the end of this episode, you're going to think you can do this. John Key wanted to know how did he run a marathon in Antarctica? I think he was lying to us. And Finland's not a continent, right? Here he is, everybody. Eric Berry, come on. There's been a lot of bad things happening in the world,

and I'd like to talk about some good things if that's okay with you guys. Was that all right? So Victoria's Secret made history last year by hiring the world's first model with Down syndrome. Yeah, give it up for that. Which I think just goes to show you that with enough determination, men will masturbate to anything. Now, I know you're saying that's messed up,

but it's true, okay? It's true. I personally know that what I just said is true. Okay? Don't act like you don't have a fetish for girls with coke-bottle glasses who only like the green M&Ms, okay? Come on. Look, her tits don't have Down syndrome, you know?

Like, I'm all for diversity, you know? But I think we should have some standards, right? Like, I don't exactly think we need a special needs program for the airline industry, right? We don't need the plane going down because the pilot mistook the control panels for Twix bars. That's not a thing. Thank you.

All right, Eric Berry. Welcome, Eric. How are you? I'm very out of breath. Why are you so out of breath? I had to... My grub hub got hacked, and I was talking to the customer service in the other alleyway,

and then... Wow. I can't lose that $45, you know? I love this new chaotic alleyway. It's added such an interesting element to the show. We need to get a camera back there, right? There is a lot going on back there. I heard people are making hot dogs and selling them.

There's, like, side businesses happening a lot that I won't get into who knows what's being sold for sale in the new rabble-rousing alleyway behind the mothership. And you're out there ordering dinner. It got hacked by somebody in Philadelphia, ordered from Teddy's Pizza, and I had to take care of that. I was on the phone with customer service,

and then they said my name, so... Damn. How do you get hacked like that? What do you think you did? Have you been just clicking on links that I sent to you? I did get a... I recently signed up for a porn hub premium, and I'm thinking that...

Yeah. Why would you do that? You know... Yeah. What are you not getting off of the thousands of hours of porn on porn? I like to support the sex workers, you know? Seriously, though.

What are you getting on premium? What are you looking at? If we were to look at your search history, what exactly would it be? Well, I recently have been chatting with a lady who said that she might have a pregnancy scare, and then that sent me down to pregoporn. Wait.

You were chatting with a lady that you've had sex with that said that you may have gotten her pregnant? No, we just matched on Tinder, and she was... Afraid that someone else got her pregnant? Yeah. And that was enough to send you down... Sounded like our fucking rabbit hole... I tried to find inspiration wherever I can in the world, you know?

Pregoporn's free, though. No one's paying for that shit. I... I should say, like, without... Yeah, you're like, I'm gonna pay for premium. I want ten months pregnant. I... Give me tw...

Give me somebody loaded up with twins. Yeah. I want to really pregnant over here on premium. Two for the price of one with the pregoporn. The... Is there ever been a pregoporn where the woman goes into labor and it turns into a child porn immediately? I'm just riffing here, people. I don't know.

Usually squirters. That wasn't a... I... I should say is, like, not to force the issue, but... In terms of my... Like, I used to be a gay-for-pay sex worker. Wow! Finally!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I've been trying to fucking interview humans up here for the last hour straight, and I've been getting nothing. The last guy ran around other continents. And now here we have hit the fucking lottery. Gay-for-pay Eric Berry.

Let's talk about it. Please. Is that going to be in the clip? Gray for... Oh, God. Clip. Clip. You're afraid of Instagram?

This whole thing's going to exist for eternity. Every second of it. I love it, Eric Berry. So let's talk about it. You're not gay at all? I mean, I'm gay enough that I got paid enough money to take some cocks, but, like, no, I... Jesus.

You're gayer than I am. Yeah. You know. Oh, my God. All right. So we know you're that gay, but I'm saying before that, did you ever do anything gay? No, actually, and I was...

I talk about this in my stand-up, but, yeah, it was actually a virgin the first time I ever went into that whole situation. How did you end up in that situation? The short version is... Craigslist used to have a... erotic service that Brian knows. Yeah.

I miss it. Rest in peace. Craigslist? Craigslist had an erotic services section. Jesus. And it turns out college was very expensive in the U.S., you know? You ended up on CraigsFist. By the way, just a reminder,

that sound that sounds like gay sex is actually... is actually... Tom Segura after breaking his arm playing basketball. A little fun fact. Only here at Kill Tony do we use that sound effect when we're talking about two men fucking, because Tom Segura... that's just him...

holding his arm. Just one man. Sounding like two guys fucking. So, here we go. Gay for pay. You ended up doing it. So what was the first one like? How old were you?

You talk about this like it was decades ago. Yeah, I'm 37. Yeah, this was... whatever, decades ago. You're like 18? I literally, the ad said, just turned 18, UC Berkeley freshman,

former high school football player, never been with a guy. You see Berkeley, so you're like around San Fran. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. That's like an ad being, I'm a leprechaun, end of the rainbow, pot of gold, I'm fine with it.

Everybody would literally be like, wait, let's go! San Fran... I shit you not within like 15 minutes, my inbox was like, just full. It was just... I believe that's the outbox.

I think the inbox is the, the mouth or something. How much did you charge? Is it by flowers or is it wrenches because you're a guy? It depends on what it was. I've actually never had a dick in my ass. Most commonly guys want to pay to blow you.

So, yeah. Really? Was that the first job that you had? Was the guy who wanted to blow you? No, the first... The first one was a dick in the ass. Come on, answer the question. No, no, no, no.

Don't leave me hanging here. The first one was supposed to be a nude massage, and it was a wife that contacted me. She said her and her husband wanted a nude massage. Hell yeah, little question, Jelaine Maxwell. Totally, totally not gay at all because I'm a woman.

I thought I was like dipping my kids into the kiddie pool of prostitution, and I took Bart, the public transit over there. The husband picked me up in the car on the way to the place that, oh, I forgot to tell you, we couldn't find a babysitter for the kids. So my wife took the kids to the movies

and it's just going to be you and me. Oh, shit. Okay. How's it going, Ron? You doing good? I'm terrified, dude. I'm terrified. So he picks you up, you're in the car, he tells you that. And I'm like, fuck, did the wife ever exist,

whatever. It was supposed to be $200 an hour for two hours, so we get there, clothes come off, I'm nervous as hell. He's my age now, and I just turned 18. I'd never seen like a full grown naked man in front of me before. And I'm a virgin, I'm a virgin. Oh my god.

So at this point in your life, you've never been with a woman. You're not talking about your anal virginity, you're talking all around full gold star. I had had my dick sucked by a woman, but that was... Who cares?

Get back to the $200 an hour for two hours, man. Fucking amazing. This is 100% true, so it ends up just being the nude massage pleasantly, and it comes time to get paid. It's two hours, I'm thinking $400

an hour, and the guy starts pulling out 20s, and it's one, two, three, four, five, and he stops there. It's supposed to be $200 an hour, we're here for two hours. Yeah, you're like, give me my money, my asshole. I'm mortified, I'm just fucking

terrified, you know, feeling homophobic thoughts, all sorts of fucking stuff. That's what I'm going through right now. And then... Fucking amazing, keep going, keep going. He sees the look on my face, and he's like, hold on, I think I have something, and he runs back

to his bedroom, and he comes back 100% true, he gives me three $5 coupons to in and out. No way. 100% true. No way. No, but I knew I was going to have dinner that night.

I was going to have a quater burger. 100% true. What? And that's one of many stories. He fucked you twice. Yeah. Three $5 coupons to in and out.

The saddest story I've ever heard. I've never thought about... Here you go, kid. Here you go, I know your ass is leaking I hope you like animal. I know you like doggie style, but go animal style. Here's some...

I know I just went in and out of you, so here's some... in and out. Oh, my God. Have I mentioned that if you go to talkspace.com and use the code Tony, you can talk to a therapist? Eric, Barry,

what an amazing interview you are. Holy shit. You just go. Yeah. There's all of theirs. That is the tip of the iceberg, my friend. So after that, did you just go crazy and like, oh, I'm doing this every day

multiple guys a day? In Wolf of Wall Street, he starts off with penny stocks. The next thing you know, he's the king of everything, right? You just have shit going in and out of your ass, cash flowing in that scene in Scarface where they're just printing money and laughing except there's dicks everywhere.

Yeah. It got to be a little bit addictive. Ah. It puts the dick in. Yeah. But no, man. I think the most they ever got paid was the only time I genuinely ever

had intercourse with the guys. The guy paid me $1,200 to fuck them in the ass and made me dinner. Wow, made you dinner. Didn't even give you coupons. That's incredible. How romantic. So Eric, here's a big joke book, amazing set, very fun interview.

What did you do? I appreciate it so much. Very, very fun. Eric Berry. Pull another name out. Adam Crocetti? Adam Crocetti? Crocetti, perhaps? Hell, yeah.

How fun. How's it going out there? You guys, everybody good? Oh, shit. We have a Austin girl going to the bathroom. They always tell the bangs.

Dead giveaway. These locals, they love their bangs, people. I bet she's covered in weird, random, small, bad tattoos. It's very bizarre. They all do it. Like, nothing makes any sense. There's like a fucking tattoo next to a sea anchor.

Oh, Adam Crocetti, everybody. One more time for Adam, everybody. These guys all wait for this set in the alleyway patiently for hours. This is Adam Crocetti. My mom gave me a stupid fucking name when I was born. She gave me Todd.

Can't take anyone seriously with this name. So as soon as I turned 18, I had to change to a normal name, Michael. But then at every family function, she'd guilt me about the name change. So I changed it back to Todd.

I'm retarded. I'm retarded. The last time I was on stage, a red band, he said, that's the reason I don't want to have a son or a daughter. It hurt, dude.

What the fuck? What happened? Adam Crocetti, everybody. And perhaps one of my favorite ever all-time kill-tony moments sitting here for almost 10 years. I was like,

one of my favorite moments just happened where you did that joke and Ron and I both leaned back at the same time and both said, oh, my God. And so, yeah, that's where we were. You got to laugh from the people that don't know

what good is. But holy shit. It's a bad joke. It's a bad joke. It's how long did you think that joke was? Because it was like 15 seconds long and then you had a pause for a fucking ever

and then nothing behind that. Did you just think you had it? Did you think? I just wanted to get one in clean, dude. And then my cord fell out and I'm nervous. The cord fell out. You got a genuine laugh off of the cord falling out.

Was it on purpose? Do you do that when things aren't going good? I wish. I wish that was intentional, Tony. I'm just an idiot. Are you really? Quite possibly so. Okay. How are you? Are you okay?

I'm good, man. I did not think I was going to get picked, dude. It was shocking. You signed up for a show with 200 other people. You pull about eight to ten names or something like that. Your odds are basically kind of in a weird way one in 20 or something, I guess,

that would make it. You were shocked. You signed up for the show. You were aware that perhaps if you were driving a petty cab around town and somebody's like, out of here on stage, that would be shocking, right? If you were doing something else,

if you weren't signed up for a show where you know you might get on and have to do stand-up, but you are truly, truly surprised. I should have done the Joe Pesci joke, dude. What's the Joe Pesci joke? I want to hear this fucking Joe Pesci joke I'm a big Joe Pesci fan.

I want to hear the one that got cut. I hope it's better. I'm thinking about Joe Pesci a lot lately, man. I'm worried about his legacy, man. He's nearing the end of his life and I feel like everyone in this room is going to only remember him as the villain with the twinkling gold tooth

in Home Alone. I think people forget one year prior to that, this bastard won the Oscar for the most ruthless portrayal of a gangster we've ever seen on the screen in Goodfellas. This guy was five foot two. He'll jump up and stab some of my size in the neck with a fucking pen.

He was ruthless, forced to be reckoned with. One year later, this guy's getting outsmarted and physically beaten by an eight-year-old lesbian in Home Alone. Wow. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I think it would have been hard to pick between those two jokes. Right? Right? You had to have struggled there for a little bit. That Joe Pesci joke was bad, fella. Is it worse than the retied one? Yeah.

Yeah, they're both horrible. They're the same level of just absolutely, absolutely horrible. How long have you been on stand-up? Man, 22 months of like 10 mics a week. Wow. 22 months. And that's where we're at.

A bad retard joke. So 220 open mics about, and this is where we're at. Are you always like this? I smile a lot, but a dude hit me with the fucking Grammy mushroom gummy in the fucking alley.

Shouldn't have took it. Bad move. I'm up here looking at these guys like... Geniuses. I bet it was Eric Berry. These other comedians out here are giving away mushroom gummies trying to shine up here. I was just telling the kid...

I have a mushroom gummy. I did gay for pay. I need this. It was a mistake, man. I was just telling the kid outside, I'm like, I know if I got picked right now it would be a terrible thing, and then we got picked. You're on a mushroom gummy.

You're halfway through scamming a guy from your account in Philadelphia on... And it was a small gummy. All right, Adam. Really. I got to get you out of here. There goes Adam Cressetti. You've been on before? Yeah, episode 426, man. I got my dick skin on episode 426.

You got your what? Your what? I got my dick skin on episode 426. What does that mean? Where are you from? What the fuck are you? I'm going to tell my agent to make sure I never go to wherever that is.

What are you? Other than horrible. Where are you from? Chicago. Southside? No, dude. No, Suburbs, dude. Okay, I got to get you out of here. Adam Cressetti. You're so annoying. I hate your guts.

There he goes. Adam Cressetti. I hate him so much. I hate him so much. Him and Brian Callan should do a podcast together. It does seem he does have that energy. I feel like he's going to be he's going to be like P.F. Chang.

I don't know. Zach Hendrick is next. Zach Hendrick. You guys you guys said you like it when people do bad, so. Zach Hendrick. Anybody from San Antonio

visiting tonight? Yeah. Okay. Anybody from Ohio here tonight? What part? Cincinnati. Ladies and gentlemen, Zach Hendrick everybody. Oh, yeah.

What's up? How are you guys? Hell yeah. It's cool to be doing comedy in a super cool room again. I got at a show last week. The owner of the bar said you can do comedy, but there's going to

be no alcohol. And there's going to be kids there. Yes, like if your girlfriend said hey, tonight we can have anal. But there's going to be no lube. And

there's going to be kids there. That is way less fun. Way less fun. So I started 33. I just been trying to recapture my use so I started skateboarding again.

I got a new board this week. The name brand of the board is called Plan B. Yeah, which is super fitting because there's almost zero percent chance of me getting a girl pregnant as a 33 year old skateboarder.

That's one tongue. Yep, Zach Hendrick. Fun. 33 you say, huh? Yeah, 33. That's incredible. You look like you've been through a little bit more than 33. I didn't know there was 33 year old

Vietnam veterans. I guess, here we are. You've seen a lot, huh? What's going on? Why do you think you age like this? I don't know. An oil field or something? Like the little baby, but there will be blood that was like just raised

strong. Raised in Alabama. Okay. Probably a lot of incest in my family. Yep, that makes sense. What part of Alabama? Muscle Shoals. Oh, wow. Okay. That sounds out there. Yeah.

Is that a slump? Is that muscle? Yep. Oh, gotcha sweet home out of it. Gotcha. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Coming up on four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin? Now I've been in Tampa the past

two years. Okay. I could kind of see that. You have a little bit of Tampa energies to you. For sure. Kind of like grandpa laser or something like that. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it. But why Tampa? It was during COVID.

So they're like Florida just didn't give a fuck. Oh, yeah. So you could do comedy there. So I just moved there and did comedy. Absolutely. What do you love about Tampa? The comedy scene is really cool. Love side splitters. It's really, really cool place.

The beaches. The bitches. Both of those. Wow. You're into women? Yeah. You're gayer than the gay guy was earlier. That's incredible. It's a lot coming from you. I know. I know. Trust me.

David Lucas was already on earlier. Indeed. Low-hanging fruit. And I am dressed like a banana. So that makes sense. So explain to us what's your way with the ladies. How's it going out here in Austin? Just moved here three weeks ago.

Congratulations. You've been on any dates or anything? None. None. You're coming back from Burning Man right now. Nothing at all? Nothing. What's your plan of action here? How do you normally, when you go up to a girl,

what's your opening line usually? Just try to talk to them. Like, I don't know. Like, hey, what's up? How are you? Oh, shit. Any ladies turned on right now? That's bound to work, dude. Yeah. You know what?

I thought it was amazing how nervous that you were. But you were still kind of patient even though you're nervous and you still got that joke out. It was a pretty good joke. And it made me laugh. And so you got that going for you. I forget how nervous people are when they first walk on a stage

in front of this just nerve-wracking stuff. But you stayed with it. You kept your pace and you got through that joke and got the punchline. Man, I was kind of proud of you. It's true. It's true. You did. A little bit of a long setup. But I looked down at 43 seconds.

You were getting big, big laughs. Very, very cool. Red Band. Nope. I like the movie Easy Rider. Thank you, Red Band. I love it. What's the longest set you've ever done doing stand-up? Uh, 30 minutes.

Okay. So you've really been at it. You're doing it. How did that go? Pretty well. You know, I've done it multiple times. It doesn't always go well. We know. This has been a crazy show tonight. Trust me. We know.

We are not airing it in the alleyway, but we know it goes bad sometimes. For sure. Most interesting thing about you before I let you out of here? I used to be a professional wrestler. No way. You?

Nice. John, shut the fuck up, dude. Just play. Why don't you play a fucking song and shut your mouth? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, my butt. Stupid. Fuck you guys. All right? You know, all I do is fucking try to help. Thank you. There's another gay guy in the crowd. It's like, come on.

Pussy, if you don't wrestle that man right now. Don't be a pussy. Take your shirt off and wrestle. This is a big joke book made by the great Bones Eye. I like your style, man. Come back, sign up again sometime, all right? There you go, Zach Hendrick. Now,

what I love about what just happened is that something really cool, is Ron mentioning how nerve-wracking it is to be up here and how nervous people get. I remember my first set ever at the open mic at the comedy store

in May of 2007. I prepared for months and literally blanked out completely, forgot everything, and talked about how I prepared for this and forgetting everything in the moment. That was my first set ever. Anyway, it just so happens that I do believe one of the most nervous people ever

in the history of the show is here tonight. She started stand-up at Skankfest in Las Vegas on this show and she was so nervous, but also so likeable and very funny. And so, she's in town.

We're giving her a spot. Ladies and gentlemen, for just the second time ever on Kill Tony, Jonah Campos, everybody. Make some noise for Jonah, everybody. Her second ever minute on Kill Tony. Jonah Campos.

Jonah Campos. This one, this one could have gone. Go on, people. Make one more time for Jonah Campos, everybody. Hi, I'm Jonah. I don't

trust black people with small lips. That's the end of that joke. I like to watch porn. Do you like to watch porn? No, you guys are gay. Cool. I like to watch porn

and I always find that I always come at, like, the wrong parts. Like, when the stepmom tells her daughter that she loves her. Jonah Campos. Wow. Look at that.

Her second ever appearance on Kill Tony. Hilarious. Welcome back, Jonah. How are you? Hi, Tony. How's it going? It's good. So, you've only been on the show once. It was a famous, very cool performance

that you maybe haven't seen. You can go back and find it. I do believe it was one of those two Skankfest episodes. And you were shaking. It was crazy. And then you started doing cool, little, smart, fun jokes like that.

Have you been keeping up on it since then? Yeah. I've been trying to do comedy every week in Orange County. Right. I can't hear through my left ear. You think one ear is rough. Try it.

Never seeing. Geez. You think you have problems. I don't know if you could tell, but you could trust D-Madness. So, Jonah, remind us. What's your story? You're in Southern California. What do you do for work?

I'm a barista now. Oh, okay. It's fitting. Right, yeah. You have barista energies. No doubt about it. How's that been going for you? Anything crazy? No, I work in a hotel, so nothing.

Right. I'm boring. You can see over the counter and everything. What else is going on in life, Jonah? Tell us more about you. I'm newly single. Oh.

How long was your last relationship? Like on and off, like four years, but maybe a year. I don't know. I don't like to think about it. John Dees wants to know if it was a black person with small lips. That was a good one.

Much better than the Tony Likes wrestling joke from earlier. What was he? Was he a white guy? He's Cuban. In the Navy. Oh, wow. It seems like you really miss him. Well, we have a surprise for you. Ladies and gentlemen.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Here is the Cuban from the Navy, everybody. It's not your ex-boyfriend, but we got another one. This is a random... So he's a Cuban and he's in the U.S. Navy?

Yeah, in the U.S. Navy. I didn't even know you could do that. I thought you had to be like a U.S. He's a U.S. citizen, but it's... Unfortunately, yeah. Damn. Did he cheat on you? Of course. A little Cuban missile crisis.

Ah! So stupid. Man, how recently did this happen, Jonah? You're such a sweet girl. I feel bad making fun of anything. I know. She's so sweet. I never feel bad, but it's like having a sunflower

that talks on stage. And does fucking crazy jokes, too. That's wild. I wanted to give her advice, but I was afraid she would start crying. Do you ever make eye contact with a crowd when you talk to them? Do you ever think about that because you really

kind of mumble and with your head down low? I mean, I'm not saying that's not a good way to do it. I'm just saying have you ever thought about staring them down and... Maybe without my glasses, yeah. Ooh, can we see what that looks like? You don't want to? Whatever you want.

I don't know. Maybe we should. Let's see what she looks like with her glasses on. Wow. Damn. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Damn, that is incredible. Leave him on, leave him on. Does Dreamweaver always play when you take

that? That was amazing. I love it. Jonah, you're so interesting. You're so different than everybody else. What else are you into? You have any, like, hobbies or anything like that? I make art.

You do? I feel like this is like... I feel like I'm being... I'm, like, inside of a child porn or something like that right now. I feel like this is all going to be used as evidence. All right, let's do it. Red Band just came in his pants, everybody.

22 newly single. What type of art are you making? I make collages. If you want to buy something, you can go to papsblueweeney on Instagram. What is that? What was it?

Papsblueweeney. How do you spell that? That sounds like a Wi-Fi password or something like that. It's like the beer, but instead of ribbon, it's weenie. Weenie? Like, W-E-E-N-I-E.

Okay. Papsblueweeney. W-E-E-N-I-E. Okay. There you go. Is, uh... Yep. He's all over it.

He's a dirty little dirt ball. Okay, Jonah. How long has it been since the recent breakup? The end of January. The end of January. Have you gone on any dates or anything like that? Have you tried anything new? Is it uncomfortable? Four years with the same guy?

Navy guy just pounding you out to oblivion? I actually am seeing someone with the same name as me. Double Jonas? Yeah. Wow. It's kind of hot. Yeah. I can see how that could be. That's very interesting.

Jonah and Jonah. Very cool. Yeah, he's in the back. Does he do comedy too? Yeah, he's in the... in the alleyway. Oh, very cool. I love it. Incredible. Is that where you met him? I love it. I love it. How long of sets have you been doing? Like, when you've been working it out

in Southern California? What do you mean? Like, uh, like five-minute sets, three-minute sets. Have you done a ten-minute set yet? Oh, if I... try really hard, it's like a five-minute set. Right. Yeah. That makes sense.

You just started a couple months ago. What if you don't try at all? What is it? I see it. I think that felt mean. I don't want to be mean to you. I think that you're really good. I think you're a good joke writer, and I think that you're going to... Don't get sad. I have to be nice. Fuck.

You know, how do you lipped on me over that? Fuck. I'm just saying keep going, right? Don't you think? Maybe it's just me. I don't know. You really do have a very cool style of writing and a delivery system

that disguises your, um... your edge, you know. It is very interesting. What's your writing process like? Because to only have five minutes, you have very high quality,

you know, cool jokes. You have your own style, so I'm interested to know why you only have like five minutes total. Are you sitting down and writing? No. And what are you wearing? Red band. We're trying... You can't just treat women like that.

It's a real podcast. It's a real show. What do you wear when you're writing? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What's your process? Do you do that? You're at a coffee shop already. You drink coffee and you... I don't really have a writing process.

I just like... Red band, shut up. We get it. You're fucking disgusting. You can't just beat a dead horse like that. Okey-dokey. I guess my writing process joke isn't really... The question isn't really... You don't have a process at all. Let me ask you this.

Let me be more specific. When you came up with the... I don't trust black people with small lips joke. What were you doing? Where were you? How does that happen? How does that happen? She looked at John and D. Madness after I said that. I guess she was driving

through the wrong side of town and... Go ahead. Tell us. How does that happen? Do you remember where you were? I was working at an airport. I have lots of jobs. I was working at the airport at the time

and a black person came up to me with small lips and I was like you must be a disappointment. That is incredible. It's incredible what you could do. I kind of like... I want to like... You'd be so fun to like write for.

You could do things that I could never do. You can do like anything. That's incredible. Well, Jonah, so cool. I implore you to continue to write and perform. I think that you're so different than everybody else.

Even though you're constantly nervous, you have this weird type of confidence and cool delivery and style. I love it. Jonah Campos, everybody. Do you have one of these yet, Jonah? Did you get one of these in Vegas? Come on. Make some noise for Jonah, everybody.

Fun. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Hell, yeah. Look at this book right here. How have I not seen you tonight? Thanks for taking a break from fishing to be here right now. This is definitely a new name.

I would remember Giovanni Madonna if I've seen one before. This should be interesting. Where are you from, sir? An hour northwest of here. Hell, yeah. What do you do for work? Ranch Hand. Wow. The real deal. You ever done gay for pay?

No. They don't do that out there. 200 bucks an hour, dude. All you have to do is get your dick sucked. You go from broke to broke back real quick out there. You know what I mean? Here he is, everybody. Giovanni Madonna.

Madonna. Holy shit. This is beautiful. You guys are beautiful. What's up, sunshine? Oh, yeah, I have to start. Guys, I just want to say fuck Tom Hanks. Seriously, think about it. His best role he played a retard.

Like, how hard could that have been? You know, like, Jenny, I know you're a whore, but I love you. Mama said retards aren't retards no more. You know? Retards are actually called autistic. You know, great thing about autistic

is it's hard for them to get jobs, but they make great comedians. Oh, no. You know, one time I tried microdosing mushrooms. I was doing great for me, guys. Like, I was doing so well, trying to better my life.

And I was like, what else could I microdose? I'm starting microdosing cocaine. Guys, don't microdose cocaine. You end up in the alleyway out in Austin trying to do comedy, you know? So... God, but... Yeah.

Yeah. I think that's all I got, Tony. Oh, you think so? Giovanni Vedana, man. I said that name when I read it. I'm like, this sounds promising. And then you came up here and that happened.

Let's... Let's get it going. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Talking to the microphone. I know, right? First time? First time in a venue like this. I started like a year,

but I just moved here like two days ago. From where? Alabama. Alabama. That's the southern accent kind of. Alabama heavy episode here. Yeah. Oh, is it really?

Cool, cool things. A lot of people from that fucking hot dump. Yeah. Hey, it's a high redneck Riviera. Come on down, guys. Giovanni Vedana. Your name is Giovanni Vedana. Vidagna.

And how did you end up like this? I don't know. My mom, like, fuck my dad. What are you? Hispanic. From Mexico. Okay. I'm a little Spanish, you know?

That's not helping. I know. Now you're bombing in two languages. Stick with English. Stick with English. This is incredible. So Giovanni, what do you do for work? I don't have a job right now.

I used to work a parasol company back home. Just getting people legally high. I talk to people all the time. Shut up. I know. Are you really on blow right now? No, no, no, no. I'm just like.

Seems like you are. No, I'm real scared. That was yesterday. Okay. How often do you do drugs like that? Every other weekend. Right. When I'm sad.

Right. So is that a lot? Right. So you don't have a job. You just moved here two days ago. Two days ago. Gotcha. My dog's out back too.

Your dog is where? Outside. Where outside? Like literally right outside. I know. But in the alleyway? In the alleyway. Strangers, yeah.

There was a guy had a beer. He's like, I'll watch you dog. I was like, okay, cool. Yeah. Right. So. Okay. Very good.

Okay. So Giovanni, let me ask you this. You moved here two days ago. Yes. With a dog. I moved here two dogs. But the reason I brought the dogs is. That's not the question that I asked at all.

What? I forgot the question. Okay. Giovanni, really try to pay attention to me. Because being funny ain't happening for you. I know. I don't know if you've noticed that. It's okay.

It doesn't even matter if it's okay or not. But I need you to pay attention. What's your living situation? You moved here two days ago. You live in by yourself. Do you have a place? Are you in your car? No, I have a spot.

I got a little shitty apartment. Shitty apartment. When you say shitty, describe to these people exactly what it is. It took me three days to deep clean this place. Because of some college kids. Oh God, this is fucking. Yeah. But yeah.

You've only been here two days, dude. Yeah. I know. So you're saying it's not clean yet? No, no, no. I cleaned it ish, you know. You cleaned it. Okay.

And you don't have a job. How much money did you come to Austin, Texas with? A little bit of a personal question, but if you answer it honestly, it could make things more interesting. Five G's, but I put three G's in the apartment. So I got two and then, you know, dog feeding me. So here you are doing cocaine once or twice a week, right? You have $2,000 actual cash.

What's your plan moving forward? What are you, what are you going to do? I'm just going to do this. I'm going to keep embarrassing myself until I... Okay. What else are you going to do? Because it ain't happening. No, no, I mean, probably just get a job somewhere in town,

but like I just, I have a lot of support back home. That was the scariest thing. Like people like, yeah, go chase your dreams. We believe in you. And I was like, fuck. So you have a bunch of friends that you were doing cocaine with in Alabama that are literally like, yeah, get the fuck out of here. Go chase your dreams.

And now you're here. Something like that. Have they ever seen you do stand up? No, no, one time they did. I was talking about horse stick and that didn't work out. Yeah. Yeah. So the reason why they told you to go chase your dreams

is because they haven't seen you chasing your dreams yet. No, they hate me. We've seen what you chasing your dreams looks like. I mean, Dee is leaving. No, Dee, I love you. He's leaving the show. He literally thinks it's over. He got so quiet in here.

He thinks we all left. He thinks it's gone. Like he thinks we forgot him here. Giovanni. So you don't seem very likable. You seem a little bit jumpy. You seem a little jumpy and skittish. Give us something like a redeeming quality about you to where like,

hey, maybe this will get them all to like me at once. Come on, Giovanni. You've got this. Take a breath. Think about it. Don't rush it and try to say it in as few words as possible. I don't know about redeemable, but me, this is like it. This is awesome.

I've purpose of coming out here to be happy. And so even if I fail, fuck it. You know, I did it. I like that. I like that. That guy giving out mushroom gummies in the alleyways, fucking up my shit. I'm telling you right now.

I'm going to find this fucking guy and we're going to beat him up. I got two pit bulls to help. So you do. You have two pit bulls. They'll help you out. That's that's okay. I know. I know where your $2,000 remaining is going to go to.

Very interesting. Try macro dosing. And just see if it works. You know, fuck this. Yeah, yeah. Doing a fucking thing. Is it? I don't think.

Fucking load it up. The buzz I likes on the other side of the mountain, you know, past the tears and the prayers and down that backslope. That's where the fucking jokes live, buddy. Don't they know macro? I agree. Yeah. Giovanni, you get a little joke book.

Can you catch Giovanni Madonna? Everybody. There he goes right out of the curtain. There he goes, everybody. Giovanni Madonna. All right, ladies and gentlemen, you guys ready to do some crazy shit right now or what, huh? It is come to that time where fresh off of a plane from Las Vegas

Nevada today, ladies and gentlemen, this guy arrived. He has the record for all time, most time ever on stage in the history of Kiltony, more new minutes than anybody else from Memphis, Tennessee. Many people call him the vanilla gorilla, perhaps the Memphis Strangler, perhaps the big red machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery. A lot of people don't know this, but I was actually gaining

weight to audition for the movie The Whale. Thoughts and prayers to Gotham City. They've had not one, not two, not three, but dozens of super villains. I don't mean serial killers. I mean mass murderers bordering on war criminals. And what's even crazier, they all wear costumes. You know I talk about Mr. Penguin.

Redbean told me a woman drove the Challenger spaceship. Is that true? He said she took a wrong turn or something. I've been watching a lot of Shark Tank recently, so I thought I would get on the show and pitch them some of my ideas. Do y'all want to hear one? Shark Tank, but for kids trying to get adopted. That's the show.

It's just kids trying to get adopted. It's kind of loosely based off of Shark Tank. They can't find a house. They don't have a fucking family. They literally need to get adopted. Okay, that's my time. My God, that is a true William Montgomery joke. I just heard that and I thought to myself, if I don't hear you do

that every fucking set for at least the next few months, that's insane. That is so funny. So nice to be here. Tony, I discovered something on eBay. I got a flow bee. It's an attachment you put on your, yeah, Redbean knows about it. It's an attachment you put on your vacuum cleaner and it cuts

your hair for you. The vacuum cleaner sucks up your hair and then the thing cuts it. Okay. So what's your plan? I'm using it tomorrow. Wow, it's on the way. Yeah, I'm pretty excited. Oh my goodness.

We're going to have to follow this story closely. Yeah, super excited. It's called a flow bee. It's just this attachment you put onto the end of the vacuum cleaner and then it sucks your hair up and yeah, it cuts it. So I'm super pumped. That's tomorrow. How short are you thinking about going with your hair?

You're famous. It's part of your overall, you know, brand. I don't know. I'm going to just try to get it as short as possible. I have to pretty much to disguise myself. I was in and can somebody kill whoever that was who? Redbean, can you get your fucking gun out and fucking murder that dumb ass who just fucking said that?

Show yourself. Who the fuck was that? Seriously? Who was it? I have them pig for over here. I know that you're looking. Oh, was it that guy in the hat? That creepy looking piece of shit.

I literally have a gun in my fucking waistband right now. You piece of shit. You are lucky. I'm on parole or I would fucking murder your ass right in here right now. So wow. I'm trying to talk about a flow bee dumb ass. I've been preparing for two fucking weeks to talk about a flow bee and it didn't really work out.

And now you're fucking messing with me, you piece of shit. What do you want to do with that guy? I think I want to kiss your ass. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Kind of. Yeah. Take your hat off, man.

Let me see your face. No, he's a coward. He's a coward in the dark. Yikes. Look at that. Looks like somebody had a fucking flow bee accident earlier. Seriously. Holy shit.

There's spots in your fucking head. Yikes. All right. Sit down, you creep-a-zoid. Jesus Christ. Don't make a big deal about it. What the fuck? That's incredible.

So William, what's been happening? You were just in Vegas all weekend? I was. I went to my first NHL game yesterday. Had a lot of fun. And I actually bet $20,000 that Perdue would make it to the finals. So now I have this bookie literally after me. His name is Jonathan Taylor Thomas, which is so funny.

He has that old actor's name. It's not him, but he's literally on my trail right now. He's literally gonna find me, I think. Yeah, I bet $20,000 on fucking Perdue. And they got knocked out the first fucking round. Wow. Have you thought about perhaps murdering the bookie that's chasing you around? Oh my gosh.

Yeah, there he is. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, how did I not recognize your ass in Vegas? You had like a different hat on or something. Is that Jonathan Taylor Thomas? You told me your name was Jonathan Taylor Thomas. D-Man is why would you lie to me like that?

Oh my goodness. So William, what else is going on? What else are you passionate about this week? I went to a really great breakfast buffet earlier today. I think I'm gonna open one up. I love breakfast buffets. I mean, it had, God, there were chicken thighs. There was asparagus.

There was all this stuff. Apple pie was the best breakfast buffet. Can you give us some more examples? Yeah, I mean, I had like some sponge cake that was out of this fucking world. Some cornbread. Holy shit. What else? Cornbread for breakfast?

Yeah, cornbread for breakfast. This was very weird breakfast buffet. Cornbread for breakfast. You know Mr. Penguin was there. What else was on your plate, William? Shit, some top sirloin. What else? Man, I had some mashed potatoes in shoe.

What else was on your plate? You know I had some gravy on top of those mashed potatoes. You know I had some gravy on that shoe. Y'all know I love gravy. Yeah, mashed potatoes, gravy. Did you go back for a second plate at this breakfast buffet? You know I went back for thirds. What was on your plate the third round?

Oh, man. What was that? Is that my dad? Is that my drunk father here today? God, it's a big guy. Somebody murder this piece of shit. I'm having the scent of my life up here right now, dumbass. This is literally the scent of my fucking life

and you're fucking throwing riches in. Seriously, somebody drag this guy out of here. I owe Jonathan Taylor Dom his $20,000. And I don't have that kind of money right now. It's so silly. So, Ron, you've seen William a bunch of times. I love William, I do. I really do.

He's a wild, wild boy. Ron, I was thinking it was so funny because I heard you called David the N-word in the green worm a couple of weeks ago. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. No, I tell you. I'm kidding. I'll tell you what happened.

I didn't say that. Somebody said, did you use, you were on some kind of a, he was doing a podcast or something and somebody said, how many times did you use the N-word? And he said, none. Then I used the N-word saying that's what he was going to,

that's what he meant. He didn't mean the N-word's not none. So, there was a reason for it. It was very funny in context. Yeah, it killed so hard. Very funny. It killed so hard. Very funny.

It killed so hard. If you were there. Yeah. Did you win any money in Vegas or did you lose any? He said he lost $20,000. Yeah, were you not listening to any stupid pieces of shit? What's all over your shirt, Red Band? Are those crumbs from Oreos or?

Do you have Oreo crumbs all over? Seriously, what is that? There was this younger comic on earlier. Yeah, he was doing gay for pay. So... It's dried cotton. William, any last words before we put a ribbon on this thing? You can find it.

I opened up my Etsy store. You can find it. You search for Floby. I'm actually starting to sell Floby's tomorrow. So, that's honestly why I brought it up. Yeah, find me on my Etsy store. It's Mr. Floby. Is that something you plan on doing for a long time

or you think you're going to end it soon? Yeah, no. I mean, depending on how much money I fucking make on it, I'm probably never going to fucking stop selling these fucking Floby's because I need the fucking money right now. Things are tight. This has to work for me. No, literally, this has to work. I put all my... I bought fucking $100,000 worth of Floby's the other day.

Oh, my... This has to work. Are you ever going to stop? I ain't ever going to stop selling these shoo-hoo. Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery, everybody. Yeah. And like that, another episode of Kill Tony. Guys, how loud can this place get for the one and only Ron White?

Come on. One of the fucking goats of planet Earth. Make sure you drink number one tequila. It's available in bars all around the fucking world. It's truly the best. I drink it all the time. I know hangover with that fucking, with that silver and mix it with some Topo Chico

and have the most fun you've ever had in your life. Ron, thank you so much for being with us. One more time for Ron White, everybody. A drawing from local artist Chris Rogers of David Lucas. That took place the whole time. That's David Lucas, all right. How about one more time for the best damn man in the land, the screw-off, you know better whiskey, Kill Tony band, Paul Deemer.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Mueling on guitar. John Dees on the keys. And D-Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, D-Betty Vodka, Gelblaster, and Austin Security Guard Service. The drawing from Ryan Jebel is in, and I'm telling you, this guy's been drawing this show for almost a decade,

but I feel like he truly specializes in amazing drawings of Ron White. I literally myself in my office have one of these prints framed, professionally framed, and this new one is unbelievable. RyanJebel.com for the artist that's been drawing since the beginning of the show. Yeah. Love you guys. Follow all these, follow the entire band on social media. Follow them.

If you come to visit Austin, see them perform. They are unbelievable with all the different bands that they work with and everything that they do. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.