KILL TONY - #605 - KEVIN RYAN + H FOLEY + YANNIS PAPPAS

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, Yannis Pappas, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jiminez, Jessie Johnson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/27/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:MANSCAPED.COM – USE COUPON CODE “TONY” – GET 20% OFF + FREE SHIPPING – VISIT MANSCAPED.COM.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything golden pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for TonyHinchCliff. Are you guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives tonight or what?

How about one more time with the great Brian Red Band, everybody? Fuck yeah. Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster, Deep Eddie Vodka, Austin Security Guard Service, the best security guards in the world are here in Austin, Texas. See I'm Smokehouse and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which presents the Kill Tony Band, everybody. That's the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar right there.

John Deese on the keys. Paul Deemer on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And this is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the motherfucking only. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight before we start tonight's show. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey y'all, this episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by Zipix Toothpicks.

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best deal of the year with manscaped. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You got to do better than that. We're in heaven, folks. Are you ready to start tonight's show? Three of my favorite comedians on planet earth are your guests tonight. Fucking New York royalty. Make some noise for Yannis Pappas, Kevin Ryan and H Foley, everybody.

Let's fucking go, Yannis Pappas, Kevin Ryan here, scoot a little closer to me. Hell yes. We are doing this shit. Welcome Yannis Pappas, your first time on the show. First time. We're going to have so much fucking fun. Yannis Pappas. Does the Yannis Pappas show our available everywhere, Kevin Ryan and H Foley.

Of course of the are you garbage podcast or one of my favorite podcasts I've ever done and you guys have been on the show before Yannis is first time, but we're going to have a fucking blast. Yannis, you might not know this, but over 200 comedians signed up for the opportunity to be on this show tonight. They are loaded in the back alleyway right now. I'm not kidding. They bring their own drinks, they play dice, they make friends, it's fucking incredible

the energy in this alleyway. It is a precious thing that'll probably be ruined by somebody soon. I could just see a mass shooter after a bad set, but hopefully they use gel blaster available in stores everywhere. Nobody gets hurt. Very very exciting. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds of standup comedy time uninterrupted. You know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set. Yeah, that's just if they go too long. Anyway, after their time is up, I interview them. We have a bunch of fun. We all meet them together. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised.

You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, well, well, before we do, I have a very, very, very special announcement. How many of you have been listening to this show or at least gone back in the catalog from two or three years ago and earlier? How many of you are really longtime fans of this show? Well, you knew bees out there. You might not know this, but we used to have an entirely different band. They would come out in full characters.

They would commit to these characters throughout the show. Sometimes they would change characters throughout the show. Legends of the show. When we moved to Austin, they all have families and things. They all stayed in Los Angeles. But tonight is a special, special night. So joining the new band, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the former Kill Tony band, everybody.

Hey, everybody, this is Red Band coming to you live at the Comedy Mothership. Give it up for your host, Tony Inchglip. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. No eye contact or I'll give you cancer. We're moving the show to North Korea. They're more compliant there. Guys, you know how this shit works. Every week I have one of my funniest friends come out.

Tonight is no different. Please put your hands together for Joe Rogan. Just kicked an elk. He now has a grill. That is elk and jalapenos, I do believe. Those are real jalapenos. Let's not make too much of a mess here. Oh, oh my goodness.

That is a pool cue. He's put on a pool glove and he's lining up his shot. Wow. That is Joe Rogan, folks. He just broke the pool cue for those of you listening to the podcast and not watching. It appears to be the real Joe Rogan. If he was the lead singer for R.E.M. or R.E.M. stands for ready to eat meat. Rare elk meat.

Rogan's club has two stages, but clearly Rogan is stage four right now. Still trying to chew through that first piece of sausage over there. Still a little more post swallow second round Joe Rogan welcome to the show. I always listen to Tony about swallowing. Oh, there you go. Very good. Yes, indeed. Hey.

Hey, yes. Yep. You sons of bitches. And red band looking a little bit healthier than usual over there. What do you got a sound effect? Oh, just like the actual red band. Yeah. Very accurate.

Very accurate. When somebody's talking, you'll get it to work perfectly right on the funny line or something like that. Who's running the mics, red band? Oh, all right. I don't think that mic's on. It's on. It's just it's too quiet for that little mic.

All right. Well, here we are off and running. We couldn't possibly get more people on this stage. This is a hazard. We are doing a little stress test to the stage tonight. We're going to see what happens. Jeremiah Watkins has a new special on YouTube called Daddy, so make sure you check that out.

Joel has the Dogs of Brown Town podcast and the Mad Peaceful Band. Check out that Mad Peaceful Band on everything. And Jetsky has the new Juicy Couture at JetskyJohnson.com. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? I mean it now. Now I mean it. Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's show, one of our regulars, he writes and performs a brand new 60 seconds every single week.

Make some noise. Sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kim, everybody. What's up? I was, I was, uh, hey, what's up, uh, there's a lot of stuff here. I was talking to a gay earlier today because that's how open-minded I am. I talk to everybody, even gays, and, uh, he was like, I'm not gay, I'm trans. I was like, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard of.

That's gay as fuck, bro. I love going to Olive Garden and asking for chopsticks. Sorry about the weather balloons. We just wanted to see the train to rail in Ohio. They're still using all railroads. I love it here in Texas. You guys drive crazy here. You guys don't change lanes.

You teach lessons. All right, that's my time. Thank you. Hans Kim. Absolutely doing it, dude. Thank you, Tony. How do you feel? I feel amazing.

I always say that, but, uh, yeah, I love the old band, Hello. Hi, there's something about this guy I don't like. No, he's one of the good ones. Uh, me, me, we like him. Joe Rogan, this is your, uh, first time seeing Hans Kim since you turned into a, uh, cancer patient. Let's talk about it. He's incredible.

I love him. Thank you, Joe. Uh, I would love to suck your cock someday. Wow. All right. You'll have to steal the job from me. That's true. That's true.

And I am not letting go. I am an old lockjaw hinge cliff over here, you know what I mean? I love it. Uh, you guys are seeing Hans Kim. I do believe for some of your, uh, first times, what do we think? What is the analysis here of the great Hans Kim? He speaks English. That's good.

It is squeaky clean and super clear. Hans, what do you, we've been up to this week. What's going on in your life? This weekend has been great. Um, I got my drone back. I'm a full man again. I can fly the skies. Um, Asian, hell yeah, you got your 16 shot it down, so what else, what else?

I got to kick someone out of my show in Dallas. I got to toothpaste them. That was the code word. I was like toothpaste, toothpaste. What, what was the person in the audience doing? They were just having a conversation in the front row and I got to, you know, bring down the hammer on them, bring out my inner Tony hinge cliff, be like, you're out of here. Nah, I don't really do that.

And I sure as fuck can go toothpaste, toothpaste, toothpaste, oh my God, what do I do? I fucking handle it myself like a man, you little bitch. Don't you know martial arts? Yeah. Did somebody say martial arts? I love this Tony hinge cliff. It's like, it's this show aired on Telemundo. That's what he would be like.

Like the Telemundo Tony hinge cliff. Oh, you better watch it. Yeah, I'm telling Rogan on you. Don't do that, please. Where's Tony? So funny. I am going to tell Rogan on. So Hans, anything else crazy we have to know about?

Any more viruses you guys got planned or something like that? Yeah, what's coming down the pipe? Yeah. How about giving the heads up to the boys? Get started on that vaccine now. Why don't you go make me a gyro, Giannis? Okay. Whoa.

That's over the line. That's racist. That's racist. That's racist. I'm half Turkish. I did my DNA. I'm a rape baby. So.

And it's pronounced Yiril. Yeah. Hey, Hans, do you ever jerk off with toothpaste? Brian? Brian? Brian? Red band. What kind of questions that?

Blue kind. What kind of question is that? Do you ever jerk off to toothpaste? No, I like to dry, dry heave it. I respect that. You gag a lot when you're brushing your teeth? Yeah, I do. But I also don't use any lube.

I just like to do it dry just because I don't want to clean up afterwards. That's right. We've talked about this. It's super creepy. Old no lube Jenkins over here just fucking raw dogging his own hand. It is incredible. I love it, Hans. Anything else crazy we need to know about before we let you go?

I grunt when I pick up my girlfriend. In what situations are you picking her up? Is this after you roofie her and have to carry her away? What does the grunt sound like? Can we get subtitles on that grunt, please? I love it. What do you pick her up during sex? No, just when she's falling asleep on the couch and I'm like, hey, let's go to the bedroom.

I just pick her up. She has someone squatting in her living room, so I'm like, hey, we can't have sex here. Is she a paraplegic? Why do you have to carry her into the bedroom? Yeah. Do her legs work? She's just like sleeping a lot. I think it's because she works early.

I work late, so I'm up when she's sleeping, so I'm awake when she's sleeping a lot. And I don't do anything illegal. Right. It's not illegal if she... Sounds like you guys love being together. When we're awake, it's amazing. Okay, Hans. Well, another new minute.

You got the show started. I love it. Hans Kim does it every week, follow him on social media, follow him on tour. And like that, we go to the bucket for the first time tonight. This is where shit actually starts to get a little crazy. Perhaps you signed up, perhaps your friends signed up. Or it's one of the 200 souls in the alleyway. Your first comedian of the night out of the bucket.

We're going to meet them all together. It goes by the name of Hakim Yassat. Hakim Yassat. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was... This audience looks like they have no idea where they're at right now. This is incredible.

How many of you have listened to an episode of the show before? Oh, okay. You guys all look shocked and appalled for some reason. All right, Hakim Yassat should be walking up any second. Hakim Yassat, right out of the bucket. Whoo. Here we go. Hakim Yassat, everybody.

Whoo. What's up, everybody? How we doing, man? Goddamn. Love to be here. Mads came by here from New York. Goddamn. Man, so I kind of feel bad for short guys.

My dad's a short guy. He's like 5'2", and my mom's 5'7", and you guys hear the stereotypes from short guys. If a guy's short, and he's with a hot woman who's tall, he must have a big dick or a lot of money. So you know how uncomfortable it is for me walking around town imagining my dad's big dick because I know he has no money? It hurts, man.

It really hurts. And the worst thing about it is a 5'2", black guy in a 5'7", black woman, don't make a 6' foot guy. I know that because I put 6' on my license, and the lady who was checking it, she was like, I can see it with some good shoes. I can see it. I'm like, damn, way to destroy my confidence, man. It was horrible.

I've been black for a couple of years now, and a lot of weird stuff keeps happening to me, man. A lot of people keep thinking I'm security. Damn, man. Okay, that's good. You want to finish it? No, no, this is all good. Okay, there you go, ladies and gentlemen, Hakim Yasat, his first minute ever on Kiltoni.

Welcome, Hakim, to the fold. I got to say... Thank you, thank you, man. What? Thank you, thank you. Okay, absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years.

Three years. And all of that in New York City? I started in Dallas, and I moved to New York last year, and I've been there for 13 months. Okay, what made you pick New York instead of Austin coming from Dallas? Most of my family is from Maryland, so I was like, I'm close to family out there, and I had cousins who played jazz in New York, so I was like, oh, it's close to family. Very cool. Very cool.

I know the farming industry has been having trouble lately, but I didn't really notice this until I saw your cornrows here tonight. Somebody get Monsanto on the phone. Talk about a bad harvest this year, huh? I did not expect that voice to come out of that haircut at all. Man, everyone says that, everyone says I have a white-sounding voice, man, I'm like, this is me, dude. Yeah, you have your appearances first 48 on A&E, and your voice is...

Private school. Yeah. It was accurate. I went to private school for a year, and I got kicked out, but... You grew up with white people. We can hear it. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You definitely duped a couple leasing agents on the phone. Sure. Come on right by, I'll meet you downstairs. What do you do for work, Hakeem? I deliver packages for Amazon right now. Oh, okay. All right. How do you enjoy that?

That's pretty good. I go into podcasts all day, and then I walk around, and they don't really care how soon they get their packages, so I'm not going to say I'm going to steal them, but I could. People definitely think you're stealing their packages, especially when they hear your voice on the intercom. Amazon got a package, and they open a door. All right. That's wild.

What's the craziest thing that's happened since you've been working at Amazon? Amazon delivery in New York City seems like a fucking tough job, right? It's actually super easy. The worst thing that happened to me, though, we have to pull a hand card, and we put all the packages on there, and one time we're doing it in the ghetto, and this guy gets taken and beaten up, and he didn't get stabbed, though, which is weird. He said they all had knives, but then they took all his packages, and then he quit, and then he texted me later and was bragging about how much money he has now.

I think he just stole all of it. Right, right, right. That's called an exit strategy right there. I don't know. I mean, what do you do for fun? You have any hobbies or special skills or talents other than... I'm actually a really good cook. I used to want to be a chef, so I was practicing learning how to cook, and then I worked in

the food industry for a while, and I realized that shit sucks, so I stopped doing that. But I still have a whole bunch of skills, so I'm a really good cook, actually. Okay, other than being a cook, what else? Like editing videos sometimes, I guess. What is your favorite Apex predator? Good question, Joe Rogan, with a great question. Do you like the bear? All right, Joe, relax.

I'm going to say the police. Man, the police are actually good to me. Every time I call them, they come really quickly, dude. Yeah, on the phone, yeah, for sure. Then they show up in a restroom. You're like, I called, and they're like, no, you didn't, man. We got him. He's stealing the Amazon packages.

Hakim Yassad, how long are you in Austin for? I'm leaving tonight, so yeah. You're leaving tonight? Yeah. Are you driving? Yeah, I'm driving. I'm driving right back to Dallas, because my family is out there, so I'll see them. You have the Amazon truck?

What are you driving to Dallas tonight? Honda CRV. Okay. He's definitely getting pulled over tonight. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Incredible.

All right, Hakim, what's your love life like? Actually, dude, in New York, so I used to be fat before I moved to New York, so I wasn't getting any girls, but I lost like 80 pounds while living up there. How did you lose 80 pounds? Here you go, Red Band, here you go. Red Band, how about Foley, open your ears. I stopped eating as much. In Texas, food is super cheap, so I used to go to buffets.

Stop eating as much, Red Band. I stopped eating as much. That's it, don't work. Hey, Red Band. I started walking way more and exercising. Christ, what the fuck? Who just threw that, Joe Rogan or Red Band? Oh, it was me, sorry.

You damn it, trans, Red Band, I hate you. The proper turn. This guy's pouring his heart out about weight loss. Bro, cheeseburgers are out. My story, man. My contract said no trans fats. We were hungry. I'm glad you didn't hit my eye, though.

Hakim Yassad, how do you feel about this? It's actually pretty cool, actually. I didn't think I was going to get up. They're just like, fuck, man, I drove out of here and I'm not going to get up. But then I got up first and I'm like, this is fucking awesome. This is the best thing ever. Hakim, Yanis Papas. Now, if you make it big in comedy, have you considered a name change

so you don't get on no fly lists or what are you going to do with that name? Oh, man, dude. You got to travel for this career, so you don't want to get pulled over by Homeland Security with that name. Perhaps Kodak Crack. Oh, I like it. Yeah. Crack, that's pretty good, that's pretty good.

You were walking away with a brand new Kill Tony Handmade Texas Leather Joke Bug with the great Bones Eye. You're leaving with a gel blaster, too. You're going to get that on your way out. There he goes. Hakim Yasat, everybody. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

Noah Davidson is next. Noah Davidson. Hell yeah, and it has begun. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? All right. I see what we're working with. Noah Davidson is next on Kill Tony. They have to come through and get wanded and patted down.

Here he is. Noah Davidson, everyone. Hey, everybody. My name is Noah. I'm five foot six, so my girlfriend calls me buddy. I'm five foot six. I'm five foot six, so my girlfriend calls me buddy. Growing up, my mom told me I had a Napoleon complex,

which is weird and it never made sense to me because my anger issues have nothing to do with ice cream. Slow burn. No, the reason I was angry is because at a young age, my father went to prison for abusing me. And for those of you that don't know, sending your own father to prison is a lot like sending your own daughter to college.

Once they're gone, they get raped. You know, statistically speaking. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. All right. Noah Davidson, this is your first time on the show. I would remember a fucking face and body like that.

You sweet little pudgy little pudding pop you. Look at you. Thank you. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a shrunken down version of a much fatter man? You look, you seem like a big guy. I did a lot of weight recently. Yeah, you did.

Yeah. Well, now tell us your secret to gaining weight because I do believe this new version of Joe Rogan is going to be interested to. Find out about it. Yeah, so I had a back injury a few years ago and I haven't been able to run since. So I just keep eating and stop running.

You know, have you tried stem cells? Oh, haven't been to Guatemala. Noah, how long you been doing stand up? It's my first time. Oh, yeah. Let's go. Thank you. Pop just cherry, which is fitting because he looks like

he eats a Sunday every day of the week. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Noah, what do you do for work? I'm a door to door salesman. I had a fucking feeling you have that. You have a fucking Jesus Christ. You have that fucking cook of Mormon energy to you.

Noah. Let's go. Yeah. What's going door to door? A solar, solar, residential solar. Okay. So let's say you're knocking at my door. I answer.

What do you say? Hey, what's up? How can I help you? Want some fucking solar? You don't say that. No, no. Don't try to be funny. There's a lot of.

I want to know your actual pitch. Let's try again. Noah, relax. I know there's a lot of people around. I know. I know it feels like you have some control over the situation. You don't stick with me. Stop responding.

We're going to do this. I want to know exactly what you do for work. So was that a doorbell I just heard? Okay. Hey, what's up? Hey, I just got put in charge of the net metering program for this neighborhood. Has anybody been able to come by for you about that quite yet? You want to fuck, dude?

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot we were being serious. No, nobody's come by for that. What's net metering? Yeah. So essentially last week, don't know if you saw this neighborhood actually got flagged. For having high electricity rates, bunch of your neighbors in the area complained. When something like that happens, they just send a guy like me out here,

talk to the families in the area, let them know what's going on. Wow. And totally creep everybody out. So you're a complete liar for work. That's what you do. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Your area has been flagged for high electricity.

Yes. Flagged by me. Right. This is shark take. I'm out. We've earmarked your neighborhood to rip you motherfuckers off. Yeah. You're out here.

Flagging around like a real flag. You know what I mean? Whoa. Noah, tell us about your love life. You seem like an interesting guy. I cannot picture what you're fucking, but I feel like it's wrapped in a suit of latex or something like that. I have a strong feeling it's attached to your wrist.

Am I warm? What are you banging? You have a solar powered fleshlight. It's good. He's talking dirty to it. You've been flagged, baby. I don't know if you heard some of the neighbors been complaining. But you've been a naughty girl.

Yeah. When I look at you, I feel a little too much electricity. Is it me or sparks flying in here? Like father, like son. Jesus. Solar power, you bitches. Catch up. All right.

So Noah. Well, before I was fat, I was skinny. And that's when I got my girlfriend. We've been together almost five years. Okay. What does she do? She's a cycle instructor at a cycling studio. She said she's a psycho instructor.

I'm like, she probably said that as well. Is it me or I would never buy a fucking thing off this dude. Am I crazy? She's a cycle instructor and you've never taken her class. I can say that, right? Not anymore. I used to. Yeah.

Don't listen to you. You look great, brother. Appreciate it. Before and after. You got to get yourself a best friend like Foley and walk around. I'll take some of that Napoleon ice cream now. Napoleon ice cream. Why do these three look like the red band evolutionary chart?

Yeah. It is true. Oh, look at us. That's great. I love it. So Noah, what have you been doing up until this point in life? Like what have you been doing for fun when you're not selling solar panels? What does a guy like Noah do to let it rip and have a good old time?

What are you into? Yeah. So pastimes, I'm a rock climber. I rock climb four or five times a week. That's the main pastime. No. Like what to what? What?

It's a lot of fun. When's the last time you climbed a rock? Two days ago. Was it a rocky road? All right, that's good. No. No. Last weekend.

I live in San Antonio too, so I climbed down there. Okay. When you're not climbing rocks, what else are you into? You know, I started writing comedy like two weeks ago. Honestly, it's rock climbing, writing comedy or working. How about before two weeks ago? Before two weeks ago. How old are you?

I'm 23. 23. Wow. You look totally like 32. Like if this was that game on the prices right where you have to switch the numbers, I would totally go 32, right? You got to get away from those solar panels, dude. What are you sleeping?

Are you sleeping on one of those things? Damn, you got a power plane vibe. 23 years old. Do you feel 23? I have a back of an 80 year old. So no, I can't say I do. What happened to your back? Why is your back so bad?

I had a really physical job when I was 19. What was that? I was an order selector in a warehouse. So I would, you know, pick cases for like Red Lobster, Cracker Barrel, places like that. That was a food order specialist. Yeah. Red Band's heart is a rock right now. Yes.

It's just like Pornhub. All right, Noah. Well, you're an interesting guy. Congratulations. How do you feel your first time ever doing stand-up? It was awesome. It was awesome. What's different?

What did you not expect? I had a lot more jokes planned, a lot more tags and stuff. So it went a lot slower than I, which is great. Thank you guys so much. It really made my night. Thank you. Yeah, it did. All right.

Noah Davis. And here's a little joke book. Can you catch Noah? Boom. There you go. All right. Let's get another one of our great regulars up here. You know this guy?

A legend on this show. Famous for his unbelievable stand-up and roasting abilities. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only David motherfucking Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Yeah. We live in crazy times. Women can cut off their titties and be considered brave, heroic, or resilient. But if I cut off my titties, I'm just a lazy fat fuck, you know?

They're like, you can't leave the bread alone, motherfucker. Like, everything is trying to push the agenda to make niggas gay. You know what I'm saying? Even biology, for real, man. Like, they say that a man's G-spot is in his ass. If that's the case, why have I never netted when I was constipated? That's all I want to know. Why, when I fart, I don't get a hard dick.

I just want to know... Them niggas ain't about to trick me into being gay. That's all I know. I got an eight-year-old and a three-year-old daughter. My eight-year-old, she's retarded as fuck, man. The other day, she gonna ask me, Daddy, were you sad when you were a slave? I'm like, bitch.

I was born in 1990. Ask your grandmother, bullshit. What the fuck is... All right, man, thank y'all. I love it. That's hilarious. Fantastic. I see...

What's that shit called? Yellowstone got some non-binary niggas on it. Now, boy, the way it was... Oh, are you making fun of me already? Boy, you be one of fucking... Branded a cow in his asshole. And it looks like I found the cow. Yellowstone meets fucking Round Rock over here.

Hey, you got a viral video on YouTube, nigga. You stuck your thumb up a Pittsburgh's ass and stopped it from attacking. What? For a second there, I felt like that was true. I'm like, where's this video? No, if y'all see that video, this nigga is in the middle of a dog fight.

He stuck his finger up this dog's ass and the dog stopped biting, nigga. I was like, that's Tony like a motherfucker. That's me. That's me. Here, boy. Tony, y'all got so many motherfuckers on this stage, it looked like a white Wu-Tang concert.

The fuck y'all got all these niggas on stage for, bro? I ain't never seen white people congregate like this, nigga. Unless they had hoods on with a burning cross. Yeah. I guess we need a bigger stage. I said bigger. I said bigger. Yeah.

Jeremiah, nigga. This motherfucker looked like a creation from the army, like the ultimate soldier, nigga. Like, he can't be shot with regular bullets. You can only kill him in his right leg, nigga. You have another version of me up here. I don't know if you know that. That's another Tony.

That nigga looked like a Puerto Rican Pee Wee Herbin, boy. Your ass out of here. Your ass is out of here with that bullshit, nigga. Your motherfucker got a... You got a Oopa Loopa wig on, nigga. I don't like the look of this. Turn your mic on, nigga. Turn the mic up.

Boy, let this... Yeah. We got to keep that mic on whenever we have to do. I would ask you to turn around and face me, but it'll take five minutes. Oh, shit. I ain't even gonna respond to Jeremiah. That's why I'm back to that, nigga, brother.

This is disrespectful to this motherfucker. I got my back to Jeremiah like that. Hey, David, if you were a slave, you'd pick cotton candy. That's a good one, man. Oh, my God! This nigga looked like a grown-up Elian Gonzalez, boy. Shut your dumb ass up. Yeah, when I was in that inner tube,

I thought I saw an okra whale. Stop, just stop, bro. I heard David... That fucking triple booster to live in LA got your ass whacked as fuck, nigga. I heard that David Lucas didn't talk to Michael Lehrer in the last days of his life because he never met a vegetable that he liked. See what I'm saying, nigga?

Don't get another booster and try again, nigga, this motherfucker. They still got to wear a mask in LA, nigga, this nigga. Keep it going for bomb funges. See what I'm saying? These LA niggas ain't worth the fuck, dobo. Look at this nigga. This nigga looked like a newborn albino squirrel, boy. What do you think about the new red band over there?

What do you think about... This the red band that do eat pussy. David motherfucking Lucas out there. Absolutely crushing it in a backwards pink hat. Fucking new jokes every single week. Crisp delivery. Hey, man, make sure y'all check me out. I'm in Naples this week at Off the Hook

and I'm at Science Place in Tampa. Fuck with you, boy, yeah. Hell yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. David Lucas doing sold out shows all around the world, killing it. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there, huh?

Kay Dane Willard. Kay Dane Willard is next. That's an interesting name. Three bull names there. Hell yeah. I like this crowd. Do you settled in? You behaving yourself?

Very fucking good. Are you a doctor? Dentist? I'm getting closer. You sell medical supplies. Here he is. Kay Dane Willard, everybody. I've been trying to get more into fashion, you know?

I was looking through my closet. 90% T-shirts, jeans. So I went to a Goodwill. I was like, let me fix this shit up, boy. Saw a black leather trench coat. I was like, fuck it, I'm getting that. But then I wore out in public and I just ended up looking like a pedophile in the Matrix.

Best place to be a pedophile. Kids aren't real, you know? You can't molest data, right? That's the thing about the Matrix. No Amber Alerts there, you know? And I hate Amber Alerts because they named them after a kid named Amber who went missing, but was then murdered.

So it's not a very hopeful message to send to the parents of a missing child. It's actually just kind of mean, you know? If your friend told you he was going on a helicopter ride, you wouldn't be like, oh, Kobe Alerts. Thanks. There you go, Kaydane Willard, everybody. Welcome to the show, Kaydane.

Is this your first time on? Uh, second. Okay, I love it. How did this compare to the first one? It was a little better, I think. I don't know. First time was good. This was good.

It was fun. Very, very interesting look you have. What did I tell you you looked like last time? Well, it was a little better, I think. I don't know. First time was good, this was good. What did I tell you you looked like last time you were on? Did I tell you that you look like you're built like a toothbrush?

Uh, Jim Florentine. Jim Florentine said I look like Woody from Toy Story. I could see. If he had what, what crippling disease did he say after that? If Woody Eddie? No, then I said I sold drugs and you said, oh, there's a gram in my boot. Ah, that's very good.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. Pretty good. Okay, so let's talk about it. Did I mention that you look like you play the haunted organ at a Starbucks? No, you didn't say that. Okay.

That's good though. All right. So, Kay Dane, what do we know about you? How long have you been on stand up? Uh, four years, four and a half years. Where? Here? Rochester, New York.

Wow, upstate New York. These are my senior New York correspondents here. What do we know about Rochester? It's the hub. It's a stand up hub. It's Hollywood than Rochester. Second than Austin. Third.

It's a real happening town. I think you can buy a skyscraper for $5 there in Rochester. It's a good deal. I have an actual thing. It is on my list of no-go's. You did say that last time. Upstate New York? We've been trying to get you out there too.

It's just not. I know. I know. Are you the handsomest guy in Rochester, New York? Top five? Yeah, top five for sure. What do you do for work? Uh, I have a gutter cleaning business.

It's the most Rochester shit I've ever heard in my life. And I work at a place called Vulcan Gas Company. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. Your life isn't all in the gutter. Incredible. What do you do for fun?

Cadane Willard. I'm a skateboarder. Whoa. Yeah. Cool. How old are you? 30. All right.

So where do you see this all going? It's a fun thing to do. I don't know. I've done it since I was a little kid. Uh-huh. Is that how you, like, pick up chicks and stuff? I'm like, yeah, what's up, girl? I can kickflip, you know.

Right. You have a girlfriend? Uh, no. Right. The kickflip line doesn't really work, does it? Awesome. How about dates? You go on dates?

Have you been with a? Yeah, I'm seeing a, I'm seeing a lady right now. I've seen her a couple weeks. Where'd you meet her at? Oh, wow. Oh, shit. The feminist. The famous feminist, feminist Stacy has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

A legendary character of the show. Clearly nobody in the room recognizes these characters. Nobody remembers me and that's okay. Feminist Stacy. I'm a feminist and there couldn't be less, less testosterone on stage right now. Could there? Yeah. You do look beautiful.

Thank you. What about me? Oh, shit. Jolina. Another. Jolina is a Latina woman that recently got out of prison always. She's always getting in trouble. Jolina, give us an update.

How have you been? What's? I don't know what these feminist bitches are talking about. I like getting fucked, Dave. Yeah. Jolina is a wild lady. Feminist Stacy. Wow.

Really doing good work for women up here. So feminist Stacy, it's been a couple of years since we've seen you. There's been a lot in your world going on. Yeah. Biden got elected. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Kamala is in office. And back. Oh, Austin doesn't like that. Talking. And back there, I do believe we have one of the douchebags. Is that correct? No. No, not anymore.

I'm converted. I'm Stacy's boyfriend. I'm trying it. Whoa. You're fucking feminist Stacy. What's that like? I'm making love consensually with her. Amazing.

Jolina, what do you think about consensual sex? I mean, I wish I could tell you more, but my mic doesn't work. I mean, it's, we have to get it. But you know what does work? There's fucking pussy right here. Oh shit. Oh. Consensual, not consensual.

How is that getting fucked? I'm happy. We are going to need subtitles for this episode. I think that's cool to have subtitles for some parts, but we're going to figure it out. Let's use one of the horn mics or something for Joel in the meanwhile. Kay Dane, you're still here. You never told me to leave. All these attractive.

Tell us the most interesting thing. When you got off the show last time, you've had a lot of time. When was the last time you were on? It was a few months. A few months. So you probably had time to think about something that you could have talked about in the interview and that you didn't bring up that time that would have been interesting. What would that thing be about you?

Kay Dane Willard. Is that really her name? Yes. That is really my name. Okay. I told you last time that I used to sell drugs and I just wanted to say now, you know. Where at CVS? Jolina.

Wait, wait. Why is Jolina still doing the Tony Hinch clip voice? Where at CVS? Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where are you staying? This feels like the weirdest possible time to be on stage right now in this situation. Yeah, and it's the weirdest possible time to be a woman right now. Feminist Stacy.

You insensitive prick. Sorry, Stacy. You're very attractive. Hey, watch it. Dude, I mean, she can make her own decisions, but... Stacy's boyfriend really standing up for her. You were saying that you said that you were selling drugs and then... Yeah, I know.

Last time I was in the show, I felt like that made me look like kind of like a bad guy or something. I think your face does that. Or the hair. Look at that. So what are you getting at? I just don't break the law anymore. I just want everybody to know that unless it's really necessary. Did you get in trouble?

Like if she gets away. Oh, it looks like there's more than one pussy on stage. Someone the other day said, I look like a somehow gay or Tony Hinch cliff. Yeah, I could see that. Tony Hawk's pro-bater up here. All right. Kay Dane Willard, congratulations. You were on the show again.

You did it, buddy. You're leaving here with a gel blaster, my friend. Cool, buddy. Thanks. Hell yeah. Brian Smith is next. Brian Smith. Oh, wow.

Oh, no, it's just some guy running to the bathroom. How many of you signed up for tonight's show by round of applause? Just a few people. A lot of scared souls in this room tonight. Oh, shit. Stacey. Oh my God. Oh, geez.

Oh, no. Whoa. Those are the best feminist tits I've ever seen in my life. Here's Brian Smith, everyone. Make some noise for Brian, everybody. Oh my God. Thank you guys for coming out tonight. I want to do a joke for the fellas first, if that's okay.

Guys, you ever do this thing where you're laying on your back and masturbating? You blow that load right into your belly button? Just me, huh? Just me. Yeah, it's gross, right? It's icky. You got to fish it out like it's a fucking oyster. And people tell me women have it bad.

People tell me women have it bad. They don't even have to come at all. Thank you guys. My name is Brian Smith. Brian Smith, 55 seconds of thunder. I love it, Brian. Thank you. Welcome.

Brian Smith, or as I call him, the sick Lebowski. Okay. Hello, Jelena. This week. Dude, did you get stung by 100 bees before you got here? Hey ladies, don't you hate it when you come in your belly button? You have to scoop it out with your bare hands. I thought that was great, babe.

It was a great joke. Thank you. I've got someone on my side. He was talking to his girlfriend, Feminist Stacey, on that one. So Brian, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Eight years. Eight years. Eight years.

How long have you been driving a truck with nuclear waste inside of it? Seven and a half years. Incredible. Six months. I love it. I love it. We're finding out a lot. Where have you done the eight years of stand-up comedy at?

I'm from the Southeast. I'm from Tennessee. So I was, I'm from Chattanooga, Tennessee. I've been doing comedy there, Nashville, Atlanta, Kentucky. Okay. Stick with me, Brian. I love it. And what do you do for work?

I work for a cell phone company. Really? What do you do? Stand at the tower and get electrocuted? Mostly. No, I sell cell phones. You sell cell phones? Yeah.

Okay. Is that hard to do? It seems like everybody has one or needs one. I mean, it's pretty easy. Dumb people like buying dumb electronics. So that's pretty fun. I do pretty well. Awesome.

It doesn't look like it. Do you sell exclusive flip phones? What do you mean? I sell, I sell whatever they want to buy. Do you have those tin cans with the string connected? You look like you sell illegal aquariums. I can get you a shark. How many times did you fall asleep on a boat this week, Brian?

More than I'd like, Tony. More than I'd like. Okay. I love it. Dude, you're red as fuck, man. I fucking, I got like... Getting redder by the second, by the way. I can feel the heat coming off his face.

I'm nervous as shit right now. Are you allergic to performing? You want to borrow my Apple Watch? You can borrow my Apple Watch to see if you're having a heart attack or something. I might be, but I'm good. Thank you. I'll have the heart attacks around here. I'll be stealing his material, all right?

You look like an Apple that ripened and fast forward. You were like a green Apple and now you're fucking red, dude. You look like my legs every third week of the month. Oh, shit. Because women have periods, get over it. Okay, Brian Smith. So we're going to find out a little bit more about you here. Let's go.

What are you into? What's fun? I play a lot of video games. I play disc golf, hence the sunburn. And I like watching movies and stuff. Okay. All right. Oh.

I like jerking off. David. Whoa. Whoa. What do you jerk off to, Brian? Give us some creepy... All right. Give us a good one.

I'm not going to lie. I do search, I do search Ebony on the porn hub. All right. Oh, my goodness. And not seeing a ton of that out here. Yeah. And that's part of the problem. They all, they were here, but when they saw you, they all said, quote,

Oh, hell no. And they all went to the restroom at the same time. His face is redder than the state of Texas. That is true. That is true. So Brian, Ebony, what else? Give us a, give us a little something special. You must have seen something crazy lately, right?

So there's this band I like called Little Big. There's a little person in the band. And I've definitely because of her looked at midget porn recently. It's called little person porn. Get with the times you bitch. All right. All right. That's really amped up over there.

Brian, because Rogan didn't go over as well as I plan. I'm sorry. I thought it was going to do better at the comedy mothership, but this crowd likes Rogan too much. I'm sorry. Oh, we're breaking the fourth wall now. Women have periods. All right, Stacy.

All right. I'm trying to down a little bit. It went from testosterone to estrogen real quick. Hell yeah. Brian Smith, you ever gotten in trouble with the law? I have been to jail once. What was that for? Bad how?

What was the age of the child? Yeah, nine. No, it was for a bad license. I got a ticket that I didn't pay. And then I had a headlight that was out, went to jail, spent the night in County and didn't do great. Was the ticket for circling too close to the school that you were circling at?

It is tough. I do look like a child and like I touch kids, so I can't live within 500 feet of my own house. You mostly look like you touch kids. Yeah. I'd be the world's worst child, by the way. Imagine him trying to get into a Chuck E. Cheese. It's cool.

I'm a kid. I swear to God. Okay, Brian Smith, what's your love life like? Not great. Right. Not great, obviously. Last date you went on, what was that like? Last date I went on, I went to see a band with a young woman

who was in her 30s. She was a midget. She was a midget. It's a black one. Honestly, I wish. She was in her 30s? Yeah, she was in her 30s. You're talking months now.

Yeah. Okay. So you go to see a band, then what happens? We shook hands when we left. Oh, it wasn't great. Oh, I think you're in there, big guy. She got catfish by a guy that looks like he catches catfish. Unbelievable.

Well, Brian, thanks for swinging by. Thank you so much. Thank you guys. Thank you guys in the game. You want a big joke book? There you go. Brian Smith, everybody, right that way, Brian. Hell yeah.

All right. What are we doing here? We had Caden Willard. Let's go. We're just going to pull it. See what happens here. Make some noise for Alex Spears, everyone. Alex Spears.

Hell yeah. Alex Spears is on his way to this stage. Coming from the Demented Alleyway, which is growing and famous each week, turns over here on Kill Tony. Rumors. Just a reminder, daddy, Jeremiah Watkins' new YouTube special is out. Here's Alex Spears, everyone.

What's up? This is fun, man. This is nice. I just was just hanging out in an alley and I realized I needed to get new hobbies. And I'm going to be honest with you, hobbies for men suck. They're supposed to be fun. But they're all just jobs from the 1800s.

If you Google hobbies for men, it's like woodworking. Metalworking. That's a lot of working. Brewing your own beer. It's like, all right. We have people for that. I don't know. Luckily, I found a group of guys who like some alternative

hobbies. So we get together at one of their houses once a week. I know that sounds like an all-male orgy. It's not. Yeah. Like a lot of guys play fantasy football. Like we kind of do that. But we don't draft athletes, per se.

We draft local middle school teachers. And then we get money for every dollar that they have to spend out of their pocket on the classroom. High-scoring league, right? You didn't see that coming. All right. Thanks, guys. Alex Spears coming out and starting his set with how cool

this is fun. This is nice. And then you started the comedy and it all changed from there. It just got unfun, yeah. Pretty wild. So that last joke, you're just talking about how much teachers have to pay out of their own pocket for supplies and whatnot. And betting on it, yes.

OK. You have these two twins leaving at the same time. Two of Tuko's cousins from Breaking Bad have to go do a hit in the back of the room. Alex Spears looking, stressing suspiciously like David Lucas was tonight. This is interesting. Alex, have you been on the show before?

I have not. How long have you been on stand-up? About seven years. Seven years. Where at? I started in Charlotte and I've been here since like the start of 2020. Charlotte and the start of 2020, you moved it to Austin.

Yes, I did. I love it. OK. How's it been going? Not too bad. Five months. It was going great. And then the pandemic kind of halted things.

And then tonight happened. And then this, and no, it's going well. It's going well. OK. What do you do for work? I work in tech sales. God damn. Yeah, I know.

How long have you been cosplaying as Fred Ders? Well, I do. I recognize that I look like I take adult hockey very seriously, but well, that plays. It is true. Have you ever thought about going by the stage name Fred Worst? No. This guy's making us bomb, right?

This is crazy. Yeah. It's contagious. He's got no jokes, 19. He's just spreading like wildfire right now. Alex Spears, seven years in the game, what's the most fun you've had in your entire comedy career? I mean, this, this is...

Other than this. OK, other than this. Other than this, Alex. You're literally going to kill themselves if you tell them that this is the best moment of your seven-year comedy career. Other than killing myself after this, it is... You won't do it. You won't do it, Alex.

I know you won't do it. Yeah, I host a show here in Austin, and then I used to host a pretty big show back in Charlotte. That was a lot of fun. What's the most exciting thing you've ever done in your entire life? Told a joke that went well. What was that joke? Not this one.

Why don't you do that joke? I took a lot of Adderall today, which is true, because I wanted to be really focused at work and really, really sweaty at the same fucking time. God damn it. Wait, that was the joke? No, that wasn't the joke. What's the bet? No, that was the joke.

That was the joke. OK, let's try again. Alex, seven years in the game. Yeah. Dude, the best joke you've ever written. Seven years. Ever written. Seven years doing comedy.

OK. The joke. All right. I was homeschooled growing up, which is strange, because being homeschooled, you immediately have something in common with a lot of other weird people who are also homeschooled. Being homeschooled, I have something in common with 100% of Civil War reenactors, and 98% of women that wear ankle-length jean skirts. They're like, you were homeschooled?

I didn't see you there, and you're like, that's not how it works. I don't think you had mom. I had mom. Holy shit. Oh my God. Oh my God. That was pretty good. I think my favorite part is how many words it was.

Did you like the words? You like the words? I said so many. I never stopped talking to them. I brought them back. They're back. And men are funnier than women. Oh my God, Alex Spears.

This is unbelievable. It is absolutely incredible. Do you love doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, I like doing stand-up comedy. And you do it a lot? Yeah, I do it a good bit. How often do you do it? Like, how many times a week do you get on stage?

In the seven years that you've been doing stand-up, what do you think of it, average out to? I mean, average out to probably four or five nights a week, but currently probably two nights a week. Alex Spears. I don't know. I think this is one of those, like, we've never had this before, but this is, I think we're having our first, like, of mice and men moment where we might just shoot him in the back of the head going down the back stairway. Show me the bunnies. Because we don't want you to have to do it. I mean, apparently I can't, right?

I can't do it. You're not going to do it. Don't do it. Please don't do it right after this. I will literally feel bad. Not quite as bad as I felt listening to your minute of stand-up. No, that plays. That plays.

I mean, I've already begun the morning process, to be honest with you. Alex, give us a redeeming quality about you. What's something that will make us all like you? The set's over. Come on, Alex. Fuck. I think we should hear one more. I'm just saying.

You want to hear one more? One more. One more. One more. One more. Pull it together. Redeem yourself. Let's go.

I'll give you one if you want one. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one more joke. Here he is. Alex Spears. This could be the moment. A lot of redemption on the line. Dude, do this one with confidence. Because you can't get worse.

Seven years in the game. Take the mic out of the stand. Put the stand over here and step up and fucking sell it. Deliver it. Let's go. That's not funny. That's not funny. That's another no-no.

You bombed on that. Deliver the joke. Yeah, so my therapist recently prescribed me magic mushrooms for my depression. Yeah, which is kind of dope. I'm all for psychedelics, but it was a little hurtful. Because this guy essentially just heard all of my problems and was like, we got to go outside the realm of traditional medicine for this one. And it's also, yeah, okay.

Was that it? Did you like it? No. All right. This sounds crazy. Hear me out one more. It's actually incredible. You have no, you have no, I would imagine it's like if a musician like blocked their ears

completely, right, and was stuck playing music with the inability to hear what they were playing. I feel like you have no fucking idea what's funny, Alex. No, no, I don't know. Okay. You guys think we should hear one more joke? I mean, it's unbelievable. One more. Seven years.

One more. Seven years. Seven years in the game, averaging out to five nights a week. Imagine if you guys did that with anything at all. Imagine being this bad at something that you've done five days a week for seven fucking years. And I know what you're thinking. This next one's got to be the one. And I'm with you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Pierce. Thank you. All right. Thank you. It's so nice. It's so nice of you to come out and see me. Yeah. I'll get a little personal with you guys growing up.

It was kind of tough. I had really bad dyslexia growing up, which wasn't very easy for a kid like me who was already very short and fat at the same time. I was essentially like a 12-year-old Danny DeVito that just couldn't read. But I thought I'd gotten over it until recently I saw a kid on the news who said dyslexia is not my disability. It's my superpower, which is a little... And to prove this, he made a mural of John Cena's face out of 747 Rubik's cubes. And I was like, is that what I was like as a kid? That's Asperger's.

All right. That's not dyslexia. Let's be honest. That's Asperger's. Thank you. Holy shit, dude. Oh, my God. That was pretty good.

Oh, my God, it's unbelievable. So you didn't like that one? It's truly unbelievable. It's truly unbelievable. He didn't like it, but the crowd loved it. Is there anybody in the audience that signed up for tonight's show that has never done stand-up comedy before? You, sir, what's your name? Jake, will you come up here and do one joke?

Oh, Jesus. I want to see... I want to see if Jake... Zero years, zero sets. And I'm betting on Jake to have one more better joke than seven years, five nights a week. Alex Spears, ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut his first time ever on stage. This is Jake, everybody. I don't know if you guys noticed, but mullets are back in.

For some reason, they only shaved the side of their head, though. And I think it's because their uncle wore it down from face-fucking him. There we go, yeah. All right. Oh, God. Oh, fuck. I was rooting for him not to be funny so bad. I don't want you to kill yourself, dude.

Don't kill yourself. Oh, fuck. Why was that so funny? Oh, my God. Did you have more? You want to do some more? You want to leave on top? Leave on a high note. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, you should. Jake, have a big joke book.

Here you go. You got it. Look at that. All right. Step back up there, Alex Spears. I got to ask you. I want you to be honest. How do you feel right now, Alex? I feel fine. I feel completely fine. After doing comedy for seven years, you're just like,

I'm dead inside already. Fuck it, you know? Right, right. Absolutely. Unbelievable. Guys, you just witnessed a comedy anomaly. I literally just grabbed the first human from the crowd that I saw after conferencing the high five. He's getting from his big buddies and everything. What a magical moment.

He's there with a drink and enjoying the show and nice table. Just had the time of his life. He's got a Kill Tony joke book, and you're about to go to that alleyway right now. Going back to the alleyway. Alex, you're going to go to that alleyway, and I want you to keep your head up, okay?

Here's a little joke book. It literally says, you suck on it. You can't even, I'm not kidding. Can you catch it? Yeah. Alex Spears, everybody. This is the show he signed up for. It ain't easy, baby.

It's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. We haven't had a female up here tonight. You guys think we should pull to get a lady, huh? Whoa, the milk man. Oh, boy. The milk man, a famous character. Oh, wow. Bill Billingsley and his lovely wife.

This is incredible. I can hear the internet going wild right now. Alfie John, the milk man, famously drank so much milk. This is all guys. Sean, Tim. Yeah, how much milk was it? Do we have a receptacle, by the way,

before you do what I think you're doing? Oh, God. You know what? I know I said we're going to pull till we get a lady, but I just pulled a guy out who I think is just unbelievable. I actually walked by the open mic last night before I went on stage. This is one of the newer door guys,

and this is a new part of the original hires here. I want to see what a minute from this guy is like. I saw him do what is literally one of my favorite jokes I've ever heard last night, and he's a door guy here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from Miles Johnson, everybody. Miles Johnson.

Here he comes, here he comes. Oh, he's coming. Hell yeah. This guy's a fucking monster, people. This is the future. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God.

I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. The future. I swear to God.

You're going to love this. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Miles Johnson, everybody. Woo. Woo. Hey. When I was a kid, I had a nickname.

Everybody would call me the big gay teapot. And every time I'd look at them right in their faces, I go, I just look at them right in their faces, and I go, what the fuck are you guys? What the fuck are you guys keep fucking calling me

the big gay teapot? What the fuck am I doing is making you think I'm a big gay? I'm getting steamed up right now honestly. I'm getting a little steamed up. I'm getting a little steamed up. I'm getting a little steamed up.

And there's that one. Do you guys you guys seem like an honest crowd? Do you guys think pedophiles would like kids with big dicks? So I think they might like them, but I also think they might just be like,

hey dude, if I wanted to have sex with a man's penis, I'd just be gay, alright? Get out of my van, you horse dick freak. Miles lights out Johnson everybody. My goodness gracious. This fucking guy,

how are you Miles? I'm doing good, I'm good. I ran over here, so. I love it man, I love it. You're working right now, I saw you perform, I was going through the bucket trying to find a lady, saw your name and I was hoping you were going to do that joke

because I heard you do it last night. And it was amazing to me. Pedophiles, not into kids with big dicks. Hell yeah. Crazy stuff man. Priceless. Where were you when you wrote that?

I'm at a mall I think. I was at a mall. I love it. Miles, how long have you been on stand up? Like three years. Wow, incredible. There's a guy that's been doing it seven years that literally has nothing

like you have. Unbelievable. And you work here now, it's been three weeks. How do you feel about it? It's dope dude, I get to see all the shows, do some shows feel cool. Have you signed up for Kill Tony before?

You've been on, was that it? Vulcan, when I was at Vulcan it was perfect. How did that go? Not quite like it is now. I hadn't really written a good joke yet. Now I love it, it's incredible.

It's just amazing, that's what I love is people that have been doing it three years and maybe their first year, they weren't that great but fucking worked at it and got better didn't just stay horrible for seven years. Which is a thing that we saw earlier again. Luckily you're probably working another room or you probably have no idea

what we're talking about, right? It was that guy with the hat, right? Yeah. Rest in peace. Oh my god. What happened? You're probably going to be the one that has to scrape the blood off of the floor.

It's going to be a long night of work for you my friend. The good news is if you kill yourself you go to hell. Bill Billingsley. Now remind us Bill who you are exactly. I have no idea where I am right now.

Yeah but like your history deep madness. I love it. That's right. And the milk man, how are you? What? Doing quite swell Tony.

Are you just drinking a bunch of milk over there? That's your third carafe, huh? What's the plan? What do you mean? Well, I mean when something happens what's your guys' master plan? I have no idea. I can tell you coming from the 50s

I've never heard a comedy like this in my house. Because let me tell you whatever it is should already be out there in position so that the accident that could happen doesn't. Okie dokie. I'm going to let you guys think about that and keep control of that situation.

I'm well aware. Very good. Okie dokie. Milk man. You think that a milk man doesn't know how to buy on his own supply? I think I can have at least six more carafe. You are going to drink six more carafe of your own milk?

I don't know. It depends how wild this night gets. Wow, milk man. This is crazy. Miles Johnson Welcome to the comedy mothership. People like you working here, this unbelievable staff guys like you and Casey

Rocket, Keith, CJ Landry, you guys are a bunch of monsters. It was good to have you on. Hey, I would love to have you at the secret show Thursday at Vulcan. Boom. Just got booked on this secret show. Just got booked on the secret show.

Alright. And I pre-picked the female comedian that's going to represent the ladies for the night. Ladies and gentlemen this is 60 seconds of stand up comedy by Rebecca

Rashone, everybody. Rebecca Rashone doing a new minute of stand up comedy here on Kill Tony. Looks like a new name. Rebecca Rashone, I pre-picked it so this one should be quick. But

it doesn't seem like it's going to be folks. Rebecca Rashone should have been behind the curtain. Should have already been ready. Ladies and gentlemen your final bucket

pull of the night, Rebecca Rashone. I just turned 30. I have officially expired. I'm at this stage in my life where I'm feeling really comfortable with my body and starting to feel confident in my own skin while

also feeling pressured to ruin it with a pregnancy. Parents are always trying to push it on us. They're like oh my god at times it's hard and it can really be thankless but it's all worth it when you see them sleeping in their bed all cute. And I'm like so the best part is when they're

unconscious I don't get it. But if I did have a kid I'd want it to be mixed because it's so on trend. I'd want it to be like half Japanese or something and then like half whatever the surrogate is because I'm not having it.

I'm starting to get Botox now got to do it. I think women who can move their face are ugly and poor. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Rebecca Racheon.

Hold on to that microphone. I'm going to interview you. Welcome Rebecca. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes. Awesome. How long have you been to stand up? Two years now. Two years. Incredible. I've been in Canada so.

Wow what part of Canada? Vancouver. Vancouver. Absolutely. Are you guys from Vancouver? Rebecca Racheon. What do you do for work? I have a graphic design company. What do you do for fun? I like to snowboard

and Vancouver. I like to drink because there's lots of drink in here. Would you like some milk? I loved your expired joke. No. That is true. I noticed that. I noticed that.

But the mixed joke, not in my neighborhood. Milk man. Let's just say he doesn't drink chocolate milk. Rebecca Racheon. So you have your own little graphic design business. You snowboard in Canada and you drink here. How long are you in town for?

I'm here for good now. Oh you moved here. How did you get to move here? Why did Canada give you permission to do that? Normally they don't do that. They say you'll stay here. We'll inject you with this. Just be a Canadian. How'd you end up here?

I came here for freedom maybe. Yeah. She's not legal folks. This is a long answer. I actually used my business to get through. I did it all the correct way. It was exhausting. It was very expensive to get to this country

even though it's very similar to ours. So now you're an American. Incredible. So what are you drinking? What type of drinking are you doing? You say that you snowboard in Canada and you drink here. I'm interested to know what type of drinking you're doing.

What kind of drinking are you doing? Oh my god, you're finishing that fast. I'm impressed. I'd say like margaritas. It's kind of basic that way. Have you ever drank six crafts of milk in front of 300 people before? Not yet.

All right. Well... I love it. I want to time out your vomiting. I want to get Alex Spears up here to do one more joke. And when he hits his punchline I want to time your vomit

with him bombing so that the people can hear literally his 12th best joke and then they just see you vomit. I don't want them to know that you had seven crafts of milk. I'm just kidding. I'm not bringing Alex Spears back up here.

Anyway, his body's cold at this point. So... His estate would not approve. Rebecca, is this true what you said about pregnancy? What? That I don't want to get pregnant? Not yet, no.

I'm waiting till last minute, I think. Okay. Do you have a boyfriend right now? Engaged. Engaged. And he lives here in Austin as well? Very good. What does he do? He does a little of everything. Copywriting.

You married him for the green card, didn't you? She's like, what's his name again? I wish. It was another Canadian. Oh, he's a comedian as well. Canadian. Right. Total different thing. Absolutely. Rebecca, the most interesting thing about your entire life

that you've ever done. Oh, my God. How many abortions have you had? Good question. I got an IUD before I came here. I had to set it and forget it. I knew where it was coming. Absolutely. An IUD.

So like a duck whistle? Does it make a noise or something? A free one. All right. Rebecca, a very fun performance. Yes, good job. Congratulations. Red Bams.

Here's a plan B pill. Take it. Here's a big joke book. You want to catch it? Boom. Got it. Rebecca has shown everybody. There she goes. Yeah. The mic stand. Rebecca.

You going to do this or what? Do what? This is Jeremiah Watkins. His new YouTube special. Daddy is is on YouTube right now. Right now. Now's the time, Milkman.

This is the stupidest idea. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, my God. No. Gallagher. Gallagher.

Oh, no. Here, I'll do an Alex Spears joke. And we'll see. Stay over the trash can. Keep your fucking head over the trash can. Keep it over the trash can. Keep it over the trash can. The whole time.

Just stay there. There's more coming. Don't trip. Don't trip on our stage. No, don't don't trip on the microphone. No, don't. Wipe your fucking nose. Watch Jeremiah.

We are. It's daddy. It's on YouTube. There you go. Look, he's throwing up. Everyone's throwing up. He almost threw up. Oh, God. There you go. Don't look at him.

Smells like cottage cheese over here. Oh, God. He's all alone. All right. There you go. All right, Milkman. Yeah, can we? Let's get the trash can out of here. That was not worth it.

I know. Whoa, Bill Billingsley. Oh, my goodness. Out of all the characters. I guess I'm the first person to puke at the comedy mothership. The timing was right. The timing was impeccable, though,

when you said I'm doing an Alex Spears joke. Yeah, I'll do an Alex Spears joke. Perfect. Unbelievable. How about another hand for Jeremiah Walkins over there? Blood, sweat, and tears,

and a whole lot of milk. Are you guys ready to put a fucking ribbon on tonight's episode or what, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian has the record for most appearances all time ever on the show. A fucking phenom,

currently making over $80,000 a month on cameo. Selling out all over the world. Opening for Tom Segura, Duncan Trussell, Joe Rogan, Tony Hinchcliff, a fucking sensation. Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Wait, hold on. I'm about to ask a serious question. I've been back there the whole time. Why does it smell like fucking vomit up here right now? What is going on? I didn't download the Oregon Trail

and have half my family die of dysentery and almost drowned trying to forward a river. Just to have 200 years later, a bunch of people have died of dysentery and almost drowned trying to to have 200 years later,

a bunch of purple-haired freaks complaining about pronouns. Growing up, my mom wanted me to date Anne of Green Gables. Instead, I ended up with Tamborley of the Electric Cheetah. It's like a strip club where I...

I don't know if y'all have heard, but California is trying to ban skittles. Wait, trying to ban skittles. They might as well be trying to ban water. Y'all know I love skittle. Okay, and then hold on. I have a fortune cookie. Let me see what's on this fortune cookie.

Nice catch, bitch. Holy shit. Yeah. Red Band is so old, I asked him if I should join the union and he said no, join the Confederates. Okay, that's my time.

Thank you. William Montgomery. Absolutely incredible that a random fortune cookie would have a red band joke in it. I know, that's so weird. Amazing. Another very, very fun set. How do you feel, William?

I feel pretty good right now. I just learned about Flipper, that dolphin that's smart as shit. I've been watching through the first season. I finished first season last night. You watched the whole first season of Flipper? Yep, that dolphin is so fucking smart. What kind of...

Where'd they find that animal actor? I don't know. Yeah, that's the noise. Dumbass, good job. That's fucking a dolphin noise. That's a mammal, but a fish too. Yeah, that is incredible. So, you've been watching Flipper

for the past week straight? Yeah, pretty much. Past week straight, drinking a bunch of Welch's Grape Juice. I got a bad kidney infection and my doctor prescribed Welch's Grape Juice. So yeah, I've been drinking a bunch of that. That's a fucking Hillbilly doctor right there.

What do you mean Hillbilly doctor? Why'd you use the word Hillbilly? I'm trying to... Did you say that? Did you say Hillbilly doctor? Because you look like you live with squirrels. What are you talking about? Play dumb with me, Montgomery.

Are you sure it was Grape Juice that he prescribed? Yeah, Welch's brand Grape Juice. You're positive? Wait, hold on. I look like I grew up with squirrels. What did you just fucking say? What did you say? What did you just fucking say?

I think he nailed it, yeah. He nailed it? Is that what you just said, dumbass? Yeah, that's what I said. I just want to know for after this, I brought two of my fucking pistols in through security. I have them both up in the green room,

so I'm trying to get this right right now. You agreed? Okay, what do you think about it? What do you think? I think you're great, dude. Cool, thanks. I kind of don't believe you, dude. Fucking pieces.

Shit, what the fuck? I've been watching Flipper! I swear it's making me smarter. That dolphin is so fucking wise. How much do you love Flipper? Man, y'all know I watch Flipper almost every single day. Are you ever going to stop watching Flipper?

I watch Flipper pretty much every single day. I'm probably not ever going to fucking stop watching Flipper. Literally, he's like a judge million of the water. Judge million is such a wise Latina woman. He's pretty much the Latina version

of fish version of judge million. I think that's my main attraction to Flipper. It's like a Hispanic lady dolphin version of judge million. You've been watching a lot of

TV, huh? I have been. It's my fifth day not taking Adderall. I had a horrible Adderall addiction and now I'm not on it. So yeah, I've just been watching fucking Flipper. I mean, he literally is such a wise little water mammal.

And he's really been helping me get through it. I was taking Adderall every day. You knew that Tony and then now luckily I've stopped. I want to get into the Adderall and get off it so I can appreciate Flipper this much. It's going to take more than that, dumbass.

Holy shit. Holy shit! I'm going to take a lot more than Flipper dumboos! But I hope you do get to a point where you enjoy Flippers. He has a lot of parables. He has a lot of stories to tell.

Can you give us an example? You watched the entire episode and you give us a synopsis of one of the episodes. One of them, there were a bunch of people down by a lake waiting to hear him talk and there wasn't enough food and somebody had like a fish

and some bread or something and he ended up turning that piece of fish and bread enough to feed like thousands of these people. That was one of the good ones. There was this guy who had leprosy which is such a weird disease. But yeah, he had a leprosy and

he went to go see Flipper and Flipper literally put his hand on his head and healed the leprosy. There was a guy filled with demons and he got all the demons out of those guys. I mean, that's how holy Flipper is. I haven't gotten to the end. What?

What? Yeah, I know you're not giving me a fucking spoiler jackass. Holy shit. Wow, that is so interesting. The Flipper story that you told sounds familiar. Doesn't...

Yeah, it might be like Swiss Family Robinson or something. I knew that was popular around when Flipper came out. It might be a Swiss Family Robinson thing or... I don't know. So what are your plans with the remaining seasons of Flipper and are you looking forward to it at all? Yeah, I think I'm going to

wait until 2024, until the ball drops and... Finnish season two. Milkman, I'm going to check in with you over there. Have you asked Flipper into your heart yet? I'm talking about a fucking mammal that talks to some boy. What are you talking about? No, I haven't. I'm worried about it.

Yeah. I'm worried about asking him. Very interesting. Very interesting, William. It's not that funny, Red Band. I don't know what's going on over there. Dumbass. You did say that Flipper was in a lake. Yeah, he's a freshwater dolphin.

Like the kind you find in the Amazon. Those are really smart dolphins in the Amazon. They have little eyes. Yeah, he has these little beady eyes. It's really weird. Do you like his eyes? Yeah, I love his fucking eyes. I mean, they're this sweet green color. They're kind of like red bands.

Yeah, when I get lonely at night, I just start looking at Flipper's eyes. And I've got to tell y'all, I can't get enough of looking into that little fucking dolphin's eyes, okay? And you're sure as shit not going to tell me I can't fucking look at Flipper.

Okay, I'm going to look at him. How much do you love looking? Man, I love looking at Mr. Flipper! And I love Skittles! And that Flipper really is going to save my life one day. When I do decide to fucking accept him into my heart, I'm going to let

y'all know, but I'm going to do it maybe tonight. So I'm super excited about that and then going to heaven. I'm going to end up going to heaven, y'all! Y'all know I'm going to end up in heaven! When you get to heaven, William Montgomery, what do you think is going to be waiting for you?

Two king-sized butterfingers. It's your shit better be fucking two king-sized butterfingers. Do y'all have those in Australia? Do you have those in Australia? Emius! That's my Australian accent. Emius! Yeah!

Are you saying various sirs? Yeah, various sirs with the Australian twang to it. Okay. Name some more things excitedly that you're looking forward to seeing in heaven. Peeps! Those chocolate

eggs with the really yummy yolks inside the...Cradberries. Crabberries. You're saying that wrong. Blackberries? Crabberries? Cadberries, you mean? What else do you think is going to be

in heaven waiting for you, William? Probably an Easter basket. I cannot wait till Easter. And that's actually when I'm going to finish watching flippers. Probably over the Easter break. I get two weeks off. Okay, milkman. My heaven may be a milk delivery

when the husband's not home. Alright. He's saying he fucks me when my husband isn't there. We're having an affair. Bill Billingsley? Fuck you! I wish you would. You have always been a fucking slut.

I cannot believe you just said that shit! Holy shit! I haven't been fucked in months, William. Why? Because my husband sucks. He's fucking his secretary and he's an alcoholic. She needs a little strawberry in her milk. Yeah.

You might be that strawberry. She wants you to net flips and chill. Cool. William, any parting words before we let you go? Yannis, you've seen William before, right? Yeah, I've seen him. He looks like...

Don't finish that sentence. I can already tell. I have an itchy trigger finger literally right now. And I'm not even holding the gun yet. You look like you robbed a house like a full family and took one piece of clothes from every member of the family.

You got the kid's shirt, the dad's belt. Mom's jeans. One of the children's watches. Yeah, the children's watches. The head of the great-great-grandfather. And the special ed kids shoes. Yeah, just keep it going. What else can y'all say mean about it?

I don't think we're ever gonna stop. Hold on! You're never gonna stop! I'm never gonna stop! I love breaking into people's houses! I literally love breaking into people's houses. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful William Montgomery, everybody. The Big Red Machine himself.

And like that, another episode of Kill Tony Down the Hatch. The Yannis Pappas Hour available everywhere. Make some noise for Yannis, everybody! Are you garbage? Make some noise for H.Poly and Kevin. Ryan, everyone. His new special dad.

He is on YouTube now. I'm gonna hand for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Her new line of clothing, which is absolutely cool as fuck. And I'm gonna be wearing a lot of it very soon. Juicy Couture at JetSkiJohnson.com One more time.

JetSki Johnson, everybody. All Future Kill Tony Hall of Famers. How about one more time for the legendary Joel Berg Joel Jimenez, everybody. Joel Berg is a band called the Mad Peaceful

Band and a podcast called The Dogs of Brown Town. Make sure you check it out. And how about one more time for our band? That's Paul Deemer on the horns. Alex on the drums. The great D. Madness on the bass guitar.

Matt Mueling on the electric guitar has an album out on bandcamp.com called Sketchbook. So check that out. The guy is a fucking freak in nature. We love him. And how about one more time for the leader of the band, John Dees, everybody.

Right here. Catch him doing unbelievable shows all around town. He's in a band called Sketch. He plays with Gary Clark Jr. He does his own thing at the Continental Club on late Monday nights.

We fucking did it. Thank you to the red rose, the yellow rose, gel blaster, deep eddie vodka and the Austin Security Guard service. And of course screwball, be no better whiskey. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. It's over there. It's in the dark. But you'll see it pop

on the podcast right now. There it is. Oh, look at that. Good job lighting guy. He drew that while you were all sitting there doing nothing. Jeremiah Watkins has no shame at all in his game. He brought pictures of himself to hold in front of himself

and he's throwing them at the guests and the audience who are who they are literally dodging these pictures right now. Straight to the floor. Just slice that girl on the forehead. Straight to the floor they go. A promotional machine. Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you so much for coming out tonight everybody. We love you. Did you guys have fun tonight? Thank you guys. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night.