KILL TONY - #606 - ARI SHAFFIR + BIG JAY OAKERSON

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

Big Jay Oakerson, Ari Shaffir, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/06/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—TALKSPACE! – As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code TONY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show. That’s TONY and talkspace.com.—SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM – GET $15 OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF A SKY LIGHT FRAME BY USING THE PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM—GAMETIME! – Download the Gametime app at Gametime.co, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code KILLTONY for $20 off.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, that has every past episode of Kill Tony. You can also click on tour dates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called The Sunset Strip Comedy Club, and go to that website at SunsetStripATX.com. Come check out the show and say hi.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour. Check out Everything Golden Pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, KillMerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers. Go to KillMerch.com.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Are you guys ready for the best book of night of the day, or are you guys the one and only? Fuck yeah.

Make some noise for Brian Redban, everybody. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, fucking Gel Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which presents tonight's band, everybody. Am I right? That's the great Paul Deemer on the horns over there.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. John Dees in blacker face tonight on the keys. Oh, and this right here is D-Madness, everybody, on the motherfucking bass. We're going to have so much fun tonight. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that

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All right. Well, every single week I have one or two of the funniest human beings in the world on this show. This week, no different. Make some noise for the great Big J. Oakerson and Ari Shafir. Yes. Big J. Oakerson.

Ari Motherfucking Shafir. Back again. Big J. Big J's first time at the Mothership, April 5th. Dog Belly comes out on YouTube. The new special from the great Big J. Oakerson. Truly one of my favorite. Big J. Oakerson, truly one of my favorite comedians

on planet Earth. Produced by the great Ari Shafir. Ah, Ari Shafir getting into the production business. Thank you for thinking all about me. I've never heard of your type of people being in the show business. Well, I got a loan for the special last minute for somebody else and turned out we avoided

Thunderstorm that day. So, Ari has to say, where's a lot of Yomikas? Produce or Yomikak? Oh, yeah. Yomikak. Yes, he does. Welcome back. You guys have both been on the show before.

You know what the fuck's going on. First time at the Mothership. What are some initial thoughts of this joint? It's pretty fucking amazing, Austin. You gotta feel pretty good about this being in town. The sign outside, if I gotta be critical, it's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot.

I would not say understated. Well, you've seen out front, but perhaps you don't know that behind us right now, in the alleyway, is over 200 souls that signed up for the chance, for the possibility of 60 seconds on this stage. If they get pulled out of the bucket, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else

they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised. Big Jay, what are you thinking? Is that what's happening out back? We got dropped off and I thought that just a decent amount of homeless people happened to know me. Is that young comics?

I swear to God, I was like, man, I am popular in the hobo community. Get away from me, you vagrants. I threw money at some. They took it. It has been getting wild out there. We've heard it. Why are you dressed slightly better than regular homeless people?

Very slightly. It's its own culture back there. The first week we found out there were people, you know, making friends, laughing, drinking beers. The second week we found out that there was Domino's being played, that everybody's bonding back there. And as the thing has gotten better, now there's a giant speaker to announce the name.

They cut into the show at that part and then they hear that. But a fun fact is somebody was about to start their own open mic in the alleyway during the show. That's how crazy these comedians are. They're like, wait, there's an audience. Don't you have to call city planning for stuff like this? Not in Texas, baby. You guys ready to what?

They're siphoning off power from the mother ship to run their amps. You guys ready to start this motherfucker or what? Let's do it. 60 seconds of comedy is the name of the game. Going first tonight, everybody, instead of going to the bucket, we're going to go with one of our favorite regulars. He is a big, silly goose.

We watched him all transform from a broke, struggling open mic or to a rich, wildly successful touring comedian, headlining sold out shows all over the world. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. What's up? It's good to be here in Austin. I love Austin, even though it's a tiny little city.

You can tell it's a small city because our airport is just a line. Some airports have concourses A through F. We just have left or right. I was in Indianapolis this weekend, and they had a trans march for their rights or whatever. I was like, I can't have sympathy for you. What the fuck are you doing in Indianapolis? We all know trans people are coastal creatures.

Get to a shore, buddy. The salt air helps the transition. Why don't you identify as someone that's adapted to their environment? But yeah, these liberals, what are you going to do? They're going crazy out here. Liberals during the pandemic, they were like, stop having fun. You're going to kill people.

So... All right. All right, thank you. He's done. All right, really held that last note there. Really held it. Not many people end their sets with the word so, but it's cool that you were able to give your sister a shout out

and close yourself at the same damn time. Let's fucking go. That's actually just her job, her full name's Solie. Okay, way to tag a perfect joke. All right. I love it, Hans. Very, very interesting. You hate liberals.

You've made that clear. Interesting joke about the trans march. You really saw a trans march? Yeah, it was like 17 of them. Wow. There's something like they should just march to San Francisco and they won't have to march ever again, right? Exactly.

Something like that, but you should make it funnier. Thank you, Tony. What do you guys think about the great Hans Kim? I'm not asking you. Your opinion means less than nothing. Ari and Big J are here. Your hair is looking tremendous right now. Thank you, Ari.

It's floppy, dude. You look like a monkey. Oh, thank you. Yellow monkey, I guess. Thank you, Ari. I love your hair. You got a spot on the right side. I think I saw you at the march.

I like, Hans, you have such an awesome delivery on his jokes. It's like tasting fine foods. If he gives you the punchline, you're like... It's delightful. It's witty and funny. Thank you, Jay. Finger sandwich is a funny. The airport is a line joke now.

It's kind of specific directly to the Austin airport. How did you think that was going to go? I thought they were going to be like, our airport is a line. I was looking for that local love. It's because the airport is so small, is what you're saying. Yes. It's pretty decent size, though.

I guess so, yeah. Ari, you didn't have to break them down. If you wrote the joke in 77, then yeah, that fucking fits. Actually, square footage-wise, it's pretty large. I mean, tell your joke, but just know. What else has been going on in your normal life this week, Hans Kim? I've been having a great weekend. A lot of people laughed at me in Indianapolis.

I lost my drone there. One of my hosts, Max, a very funny comedian, he brought a lot of his mistresses into the green room. It was a very confusing situation. Mistresses? He delivers everything he says that way. What do you do with your hands when you're not holding a microphone and having a conversation?

Indianapolis, huh? Yes. The last Indiana you were in was Indiana Jones. Remember him? Do the line, do the line. Okey-dokey, Dr. Tony. What the hell? That's amazing.

That's the first time I've ever asked you to do something over Asian-y before, and I'm gonna do it more often. You could have done that the whole time. I love you, Tony. I love it. I love you, Hans. I'm a very, very big fan of yours. Thank you. Fan is your brother's name.

All right, I can't help myself. I can't stop. Does that music always play behind you? Did you hear that? I didn't even notice. Wow, that is incredible. I'm gonna call that music Koi Pond Rock. Now that's what I call Koi Pond Rock. Are you ready to get fucking massaged? Hans, do you ever get massages?

I used to once, back when I was in Seattle, I listened to Brian Redban tell me about Backspace.com. Wow. Backpage. Oh, it's Rub Maps. Oh, Jesus Christ. How was that? It was a great sexual experience. I had an intercourse with a prostitute.

She asked me for my ID and I gave it to her. Oh. What was she looking to prove? Wait a second. Hold on a second. She asked for your ID and you gave it to her after the whole thing was over? No, no, before. She was like, give me the money and I pulled out $250.

I was like, it's $200, right? And then she grabbed the $250. Yeah, they'll do that. And she asked for your ID? To make sure you weren't her brother, you think? She was Asian. So $250, what do you get for... Yeah, what do you get for that?

She washed me down, she really focused on my asshole. She was really worried about keeping my asshole clean. And then she laid down, I did missionary with her and then... So clinical. I love it. I love the description. You know exactly how I like it. Keep going, Hans. Missionary and then... It sounds like someone's downstairs jumping interrogated.

That's my parents' here. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's my parents' here. But yeah, no, she was like, oh, your big Korean dick. And I was like, is it really that big? Or is it the $250 speaking?

Wow. You asked her that? No. It's interesting the verbiage that she used, your big Korean dick, because that could be like three inches. A big Korean dick. Condom or no condom? Condom.

She put it on with her mouth? She put it on with her mouth? Wow. Yeah. She doesn't need to check Red Band's ID when he goes in there. She has to punch his card. So true. Hans Kim, way to get the show fucking started, my friend.

You do it every week. You're a goddamn monster. More sold out shows all over the world. You're killing it. Thank you, Tony. Hans Kim, everybody. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. First name out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Christopher Ward. Christopher Ward, everybody. So, but this part, they run to the back door. They're gonna go further here, right? This is like further to go.

Well, it's tricky. Security's a lot tighter, but technically they're closer. How about you got Rogan Institute of Zipline right to the stage? That would be good. That would be a lot. He's got the dough.

Yeah, maybe do one more of me on these. I didn't fucking get a Zipline. Yeah. Zipline sounds like Zipix, which is a toothpick with tobacco in it. New sponsor of Kill Tony. So try Zipix, by the way. Six amazing flavors.

Yeah, you know about this. Here's Christopher Ward, everybody. Make some noise for Christopher. What's going on? So, I believe working at the customer service and call center is the dumbest job because you got to deal with the dumbest customers. Right?

Anybody agree? Yeah, right? You got the dumbest customers because they always ask the dumbest questions. Right? I worked at the call center about five years. The number one question I almost got was, are you an American?

My response is always the same. Are you? Like, that's the most American thing you can say. You pass. Except for one customer who would not fucking believe it. He kept screaming at me going, you're not American. You're not American.

Up until the point he stated, and I quote, you are not American until you go overseas and kill some A-Raps. Right? It's fucking extreme. Just go to the gas station for that. Go to the gas station, get some smokes, get some lot of tickets, become a citizen.

Go to the county. It's like, sir, are you ready to check out? Are you? All right, I'm Christopher. Christopher Ward, making his kill Tony debut. Am I correct? Yes, sir. First time on the show.

Yep. Absolutely. First time in a club. This is wild. Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. I was not expecting to be called. I thought I wasted gas coming down here,

hanging out with everybody in the back. What? Anyway. I'm just talking already. Christopher, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. We're at call centers?

No, I left that. You put your jokes on any of the customers? You ever fuck around with any of the customers, mess with them? Try not to see because I was trying to keep my job. And left it and they wouldn't leave me back because I think I'm a criminal. That's a whole other fucking...

What do you do for work now? Jack, shit. I live off of the good graces of my parents. Wow. Yeah. You Jewish? No. I'm taking membership.

Your parents give you money and they let you stay eternally 22 at the same time? Do I look 22? No, no, no. Your face looks horrendous. I'm talking about you have a lot of things that parents might not give their kids money. Like, cut your hair and get a job, Christopher.

They ever tell you that? No, they're too nice. He looks like a Narky to Skatepark. Big J. O'Gison. I used to be that guy. Be honest and answer quick. What's heroin like? We all want it now.

Not once, no once. I know I looked that way, but I wish I did because it would be easier to explain this shit, but it just smoke weed. Do you stand outside of convenience stores with your silent friends sometimes? Never heard that one before. What do you do for fun?

I bet if you've looked like that for a long time then I bet you have heard that before, especially when you stand in alleyways with comedians for hours a week. Where are you from originally? Well, I was a military brat, but we got stuck in Central Texas. So I was born in El Paso,

a clean area about an hour and a half from here. No one cares about this question. I'm talking to him. Can you give me your entire geographical background? Tell us why you look the way you do look. Your face is stressed. What is the waist size on those pants? That's a great question.

What is it? You have a 30? I got the waistline of a priest that only fits in boys' jeans, but I got an update to a boys' belt. You had a prepared joke about that? Yeah, I did. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Seriously, though, your waist is like a 29? Dude, I don't even know. I'm wearing a medium boys' belt right now. That is something going on there. Trust me, I do have a burger in my backpack in the back alley right now. I'm really hoping it didn't get stolen. What is that, a country song?

I got a burger in my backpack in the alley right now and around and around and around and around Shut the fuck up. All right, all right, all right. Stop, stop. Got a burger in my backpack. Got a burger in a backpack in the alley way.

Don't cut my hair anyway. Don't you cry for me. My pants fall down and I act like a clown. Burger in my backpack. You can take everything from me, Darlene, you can't take the burger from my backpack. Someone writing this down? Where's the burger from?

Some place down the street. Some food truck. A way to really give him a good plug there. Really a show business savvy motherfucker. What's the name of it? What's the commercial he's going to do? Holds up for three hours in a burger right in a backpack.

When you're in Austin, head over to burger down there down somewhere and get yourself one of the burgers and put it away for a while and then maybe eat it later. Get it to a nice room temp. Let them pickles really wilt into the bread. How long has it been in the backpack?

Are you on bump fights? Are you on bump fights ever? What do you do for fun? What is your story, Christopher? We're trying to find out about you. Well, when I want to have a good time, I'll try to figure out how many cereals I try to put on my chest.

Wait. What's happening? Wait, what the fuck? No. It's concave. What happened? Now I see why your parents are still giving you money. That's what happens when you drink fucking whiskey

and fuck people. I think he has a monkey heart. Yes. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, gross. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What happened? Let's have some fun. Ari... Welcome to another episode of Watch Ari Shafir Pissing a Man's Chest, everybody. This is so exciting. Only at Rogan's Club. Well, the first ever pissing in a chest happened.

Old pissed chest fucking Christopher over here. You look like if the guy that got kicked in, this is Sparta survived. You go back and he goes, these guys mean business. Look. What the fuck, man? It looks like your nipples are trying to kiss. Yeah, they're very...

Can you get like a breast implant, like right in the middle or something? I can't get it fixed, but I'm scared, dude, because like it can pop back at any time. Oh. It was once out? No, it was born like this. This is genetic fucking...

This is white supremacy right in front of you. Wow. This is... What's your... What's your father a spoon? Yeah. My mother was a spork. Send a picture of that chest back to Hitler in time.

All right, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, let's mix it up a little bit. All right, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. That is incredible. You should do stand-up like this. I have before. Ladies and gentlemen, Hurt Kreischer, everybody. I'm so excited.

Very exciting. Now, one time I was doing a show in like in Colleen. It was very darker than... Watching your heartbeat right now. God. But someone has taken a shot out of my chest while I was trying to tell jokes. Wow.

It was the only way I killed that night. You also have an Audi belly button. Yeah. I mean... It's understated because of the other thing. God went out for a smoke break when he made you, bro. Tell me you threw on a monster cock at the end, though. Oh, no.

Turns out that's an innie, too. He's got a seven-inch tailbone. Everything's upside down. You got spina bifida in your chest. So what are some fun things that you do with that? Attract black holes. I've eaten cereal out of it. That was usually the number one question I've ever gotten.

You have brothers and sisters? I've got a brother. No, they haven't eaten shit on my chest. That's not the question I was going to ask. I host a better podcast than you do. The question I was going to ask, do any of your siblings or family members that you know have any fucking wild deformities? My dad's got it slightly, but I've got it the worst in my family.

Your dad's got it? Yeah, he's got it slightly, but he's got the dad tits, and so it kind of filled in the whole form. Oh, also he's got a claw hand, but that's a separate thing. Do your guys not have claw hands? Incredible, Christopher. Way to give us something to work with there. I mean, that is absolutely amazing.

My recommendation, always just perform like that. And then write jokes about that, because that's what's going to set you apart. I can't believe I'm watching your heartbeat right now. This is amazing. Do you guys all see that on the right side? Holy shit, Tiger Woods is here everybody. I had no idea the actual Tiger Woods. That's incredible.

Never heard that one before. From the side, he goes away like one of those fish. Oh yeah. Man, you guys remember way back when we just thought his waist was fucked up? He's like, check this out. This should be the one year anniversary of that. It felt so long ago.

Christopher, fun times, my friend. You're walking away with a little joke book made by the great Adrian. Wait, can you lay down and I see if I make it in your chest? Tiger Woods, help him. If you're wondering how happy I am right now, let it be known that I truly have never been more excited. Cornhole it, cornhole it.

Cornhole? Hand? I like my overhand shot here. Okay. All right, here we go. All right, all right, I got another one. Wait, wait, lay back down, lay back down. Wait, what the fuck are you... Oh, you got weed.

Oh shit, he's walking away with some weed. Oh, that was close. I got another one, keep fucking playing. Yeah, let's go. We'll count it. We got to count that. He got some weed and a couple joke books. There goes Christopher Ward, everybody. Follow him at the only typhoon.

And like that, the show has begun. Wow, that was great. What a fucking surprise. I have never been less envious of a thin person. Talk about an ace up your sleeve. I mean... Belly Button alone was disgusting. It really was.

He had the most third world problems on a white person I've ever seen. Zach Hedrick. Zach Hedrick is next on Killtone. He had a hairlip chest. That chest was intense, dude. Did you guys grow up with somebody that had that, though? I knew two people growing up that had it. Really?

No soul? Fucking incredible. What a fun show so far. You guys get it? Zach Hedrick is going to be coming around the corner any second now. Here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen, Zach Hedrick. What's up? Hell yeah.

So I just turned 33. I've been going to a bunch of comic cons lately. Yeah, that's been cool. Being my friends, we went to one. We had a stipulation. We had to go as a super plus. The last thing we Google searched, like for instance, my friend was a Super PlayStation 5.

Looks stupid. You know, stupid. My costume was cool. That one is a Super Blonde Takes Big Black Cock. That was my costume. Yeah. It's going to go to a costume a few weeks ago. My friend invited me. It was called the Kentucky Comic Con.

I was like, dude, I'm pretty sure that's actually called Civil War reenactment. Yeah, the Kentucky Comic Con. You know, they just spell it with all Ks. Yeah. Yeah, those people dressed in what are not storm troopers. Yeah, they are storm the capital troopers. That's... All right, thank you.

Zach Hedrick. I feel like you've been on this show before, right Zach? Yeah. Welcome back. Welcome back. This is better than your other sets have gone. Am I correct? Uh, yeah. Yep, perfect. Absolutely. I like your style.

You look like you're running for the mayor of East Austin right now. Thank you. How long have you been an all gay spin class trainer for? Not long enough. I love it. Remind us, what do you do for work? I work for Amazon. Amazon?

Yeah, drop. How long have you been doing stand up? Four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin? Uh, no, mostly in Tampa, uh, and Alabama. Tampa and Alabama, man. Yes, sir. You fucking hate abortion, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, dude. What are you running from? This sounds like a place you have to leave because you're getting in trouble. Say that again. Where am I from? Yeah, changing the place. Muscle Shoals, Alabama. Oh, shit. What are you running from?

Oh, running from, uh, fucking everything, dude. Like, life. Child support? Nah. Boat payments you knew you were never going to make? That bait and tackle shop you went upside down on back in Alabama? Yeah. He looks like he still owes a few hundred dollars on a kayak.

I'm going to get you back, Craig. Just give me a few months. What do you owe money for? Uh, student loan debt. I've got a ton of that. What did you study? Uh, I have a master's in forensic psychology. Oh, really?

Oh, my God. You're going to say, like, I have a doctorate in radical. Must be hard to find friends in that alleyway filled with 200 fucking comedians. It's crazy. This is what the guys with master's degrees look like, everybody. So imagine what's going on out there. Hey, Charles Manson, why do you kill? Have you ever done anything with that amazing degree that you have?

Yeah. Why is that? Well, I got into law school and then I just decided I wanted to do comedy and then just my life has just sucked ever since then. Damn. Yeah. Are you broke? Uh, fuck yeah.

I'm broke. Yeah. You still owe student loans? You still owe a lot? Yeah. How much were we talking about? Probably 60,000. Oh, my fucking God.

Worth it though, right? Gotta have an education. Yeah. Yeah. At least you're an armchair forensic psychologist now. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people can't say that.

Yeah. Do you ever see any cases and like try to crack them or anything? No, not really. You're not even interested in it. Not anymore. I just gave it up entirely. You ever watch SVU and see if you can figure out who the killer is before the show starts? Yeah, I did do that.

I did do that. From the cold open? Yeah. What made you want to get into that field in the first place? Do you have a family member killed? Unsolved crime or something like that? No, none of that. I just always watched forensic files growing up.

Me too. I was like, fuck yeah, let's... He wants to learn how to get away with things. Yeah. I just want to, yeah, I just learn how to kill people. That's the only reason. Very, very interesting. Okay, what do you do for fun?

Wow, the crowd's quiet because they believe him. Why he moves so much? That's one of the rules of forensics. Get the fuck out of touch. You have to bury the body, right? Yeah. He's going to wipe down the microphone when he's done with the... Oh, totally.

This guy's only in town to sprinkle some teeth in the ocean, so no one fucking... So, Zach, what do you do for fun nowadays? You're struggling as a comedian. Yeah, just work out, skateboard. I watch wrestling. That's pretty much... It's my shit. Really?

That sounds like the profile of a murderer. Not on stage. But he's got to do it somewhere. If you were going to kill somebody and get rid of the body with your master's degree, what would you recommend to the Kill Tony fan base on how to get away with murder? A little added bonus. Yeah, acid. If you can get acid, not LSD.

Just a tub full of acid. Let it soak. Let them soak and then, yeah, let them dissolve. How are you going to get a tub full of acid? That's on the... I say burn the body. Cut off the fingertips. Take the teeth.

Get out of dodge. That's good. If you get a wood chipper, you can probably find one of those somewhere. Pigs. Yeah, pigs. That's a good one. That's a good one. Bodies take a lot longer to burn than people think.

A lot longer at a very high temperature. And the wood chipper would shoot DNA all over the place and contain it in the wood chipper itself. I basically have a master's degree in forensic... How about a push in a volcano? That would be a... Yeah, that's not bad. They're going to get you there.

What else we got? That was good. Thanks. Thanks. We can do what I did with Osama Bin Laden's body and just never kill him, but just tell everybody. Yeah, give him back to his family. That's a good way to do it.

What's your love life like? Broke his shit? Chased in your dreams? Love life in here for a couple of weeks. I hooked up with a chick the other night. That was pretty cool. How'd that happen? How did that go down?

You're standing outside of Shakespeare's. She walks out. Yeah, well, just after a comedy show, just this fucking place. It's so much to do here. She's a comedian? I'll just talk to a chick. She was in the audience? She was...

She's done comedy a few times, so okay. He's judging her. Yeah. He's like, she was fine. And notice you're speaking about her in the past tense. Did you use any of your forensic experience at the end of this? No. No.

We check for local acid sales. You're clear? Yeah. All right, Zach. When you were on last time, you got a little joke book? I got a big joke book. Really? Yeah.

I love it. Well, then you already got one. Yeah. How about quicksand? Unless you have a hole in your chest. That's a good one. I can throw it in. I'm not giving you another one.

Good luck with that. There he goes. Zach Hedrick, everybody. Rock solid appearance. We have a special treat for all of you. You may have heard of Golden Ticket winners in the past. These are people that when we're on the road, if we find someone very, very talented, they can perform on Kiltoni a minute and an interview anytime they want.

They could come to where a Kiltoni is and get on. This is one of the people that were one of the first people to ever win a Golden Ticket over five years ago in Washington, D.C. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Martin Phillips, everybody. Very, very interesting. Before there was Aaron Belial, before there was Michael Lair, there was Martin Phillips. Hey, what's up? How are we doing?

Cool. Oh man. I'm definitely afraid of the needles, so that's why I stored heroin, but I accommodate myself. You know, the vaccine, I was like, hey, can I snort this, please? I nicked the vaccine, all the boosters, you know, but I looked like this before I got it. So, it's like an obligated to say that because people get really worried when I say it.

Okay. Cool. Yeah, I asked this girl out recently, and she said she would go out with me, I was the last man on earth, so that was when my killing spree began, so, no, no, I'm very good. Yeah, thank you, yeah, okay, cool, that's right. Amazing, exactly a minute. He's done it again. If you watch his past appearances, it's just what he does, Martin Phillips.

Welcome back, my friend, found you in D.C. about five years ago or so. Yeah, four or five years ago. How's everything been going since the last time we saw you? It's been all right, you know, it's been okay. Yeah. About a year ago in D.C., though, yeah, well, first time ever, mugged, they got me. You got mugged? I know.

Oh my God. They learned that muggers don't discriminate, they're, yeah, they're pretty woke, okay, they don't hurt anybody, okay, so. I will say very impressively, Tony, Zach, is it Zach? Martin. Martin, I'm sorry, Martin was the fastest person to the stage from you announcing their name. Oh.

By a full minute. Right now, we're at the track up here, so I was right there, sort of wouldn't take too long, so. I was waiting in the back just like, you know, so. We prepared. Yeah, we know Martin, we know you didn't make a long walk to be here. You didn't have to explain that part. I assume we took that chair thing on the steps.

I wish. Now let's talk about your disability. The shirt you're wearing tonight is. I know, I heard about it. Does that come with like the diagnosis or something? I was in special needs at Big and Tall, right next to Big and Tall and Marshalls. Yeah, I don't know. It looks like a TV screen at 430 a.m.

Yeah, I don't know. I doubt it all mine, I thought it was colorful. I thought it was like. Hot dog on the stick.com. Yeah, no, this is not a shit, okay. This is cool. This is cool. It is absolutely incredible.

You have your own style. Yeah. Kidnappable boy. Kidnappable boy chic. Yeah. I did mug. Now I got to get kidnapped. That's the second one.

So when these guys mugged you, can you describe it a little bit for us? How does it go down? You say like, are you fucking kidding me? No, this is my first like fight or flight situation. And you can't do either one, so you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. There's got to be an option C on that one. It's free.

It's free. Fight, fight, scream for the heavens. Did you think about playing dead like it was a bear or something like that? I was going to say, curl up in a bowl, that's the third option. But now I'm flight, I was trying to get out of there for the first time ever, I got punched in the face. Oh. You broke my glasses.

And then I didn't really have a butt, I got squilt up, but it looked like I was like wearing makeup or something. So everybody was like, oh, Martin's expressing himself. I'm like, no. That makes more sense than you getting mugged by somebody. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So that.

Wow. So did you get a good look at the muggers? What did they look like? I don't know. It was like, it was dark outside. So. Oh. What did they say?

I know a forensic psychologist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You think it was the same people who got justice mullet? Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know. Yeah. It was dark. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Wink, wink.

Saying it without saying it, right? Yeah. I did. It was like, yeah. It was like, it was a local police report. I was like, yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What did you notice about these men? Well, they have no heart. That's for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. And the scary parts. They botched me, but to get me to the ground, they actually choked me to the ground, which was weird because I was like, you know, you try to mug me or, you know, try to make me come, right? Right. Yeah.

Yeah. What are we doing? Hell yeah. Hey, yo. This motherfucker hot as a rock right now. Fuck this shit. That's what I'm guessing your mugger sounded like. I know you didn't get a good look at him.

Yo. Justy Smole. He making me gay. Punch him in the face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, I'm gonna get a good look at him next time. I was getting really gay and I was like, I'll have started into it and it's like, oh, damn. Now. Wow. Now I am getting more like dance clubs. So what did the muggers take from you? I know you didn't have any dignity in your pockets. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. Martin, shut up. He's my friend, you idiots. They are. I think they were driving still at my car. They got my. That would have been fucked up too. They get in there's like offset pedals and shit.

No. What the fuck is wrong with this? The car crash sound would have happened if you were in show business at all. Yeah. Were you wearing that shirt when you got mugged? No. They were taking your giant lollipop and your beat up old Mets hat. I would be asking for it.

Spinny hat? Yeah. Take everything. Take everything. Leave the shirt. Leave the shirt. What size shirts you wear? Never mind.

Oh, this motherfucker got a clown nose in his pocket. That's fucking low. Yeah. Where was it? Where'd you get mugged? I know DC. Where'd you get mugged? Where in DC?

Out of the smoking area. Damn. Good falafel there though. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. You had the time I guess.

Instead you had an awful fall. Yeah. Oh. You never get to use that joke. You can't really groan like you've ever heard that before because I just wrote that right here in front of you so don't fucking go. It might be not that funny but it's smart as shit. Mother fuckers, I'm judging you now.

That sucks dude. So, do you have other shirts like that? No, this is my brightest shirt. I guess after this I ain't never wear it again. I guess after this I've got compliments off this shirt. What hotel are you staying at? I'm staying with my family and my friends. Okay.

I was going to have someone go through the trash to see if you left it here when you fly back to DC. I love it man. What's your love life like Martin Phillips? You know, it's whatever. Do my best. I bet when you fuck you fuck. Yeah.

I appreciate that I'm there. Big J? I'd rather have Martin's entire body and afflictions than other guy's chest. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, that was so hard. 100%. I'd rather be stuck with that shirt on for the rest of my life than have the other guy's chest.

Okay. It is incredible. Martin, you're a goddamn machine dude. I love it every time you come through to Austin, Texas and flex on these motherfuckers. That's what being a golden ticket winner is all about. You've already got everything you can imagine. You have one of these already, right? Take one anyway.

There you go. Martin Phillips, everybody. A new Bones Eye joke book for him. It's about to get stolen immediately when he hits that alleyway by somebody. They're just going to literally take it out of his hands. So muggable. Give me that joke book, bitch. Keep the shirt.

Hey guys, look what I got. They're like, nope. Blake Alexander. Blake Alexander is going to be up in a moment here. They are getting him from the alleyway. How many of you guys like him when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Whoa.

Brought to you by Gel Blaster, available in stores everywhere. Hey, Tony, I have a Gel Blaster for you in the back. Oh, cool. We'll play. Blake Alexander, everybody. Make some noise for Blake, everyone. Come on. How's it going, folks?

Nice to see you. Hey, hey, I got a cool family. My aunt's disabled. Yeah, she's a full-blown, card-carrying retard. And my very disabled aunt was somehow allowed to marry this dude who's barely disabled. That's not cool. You know, some autistic guy using my aunt as a fleshlight. She's my fleshlight.

I don't know if you guys know this, but there's a group of humans that has a 0% suicide rate. It's men that can suck their own dick. God's funny, because not only did he give me the physical ability to suck my own dick, he also gave me the personality of someone who would. And for anyone curious... Blake Alexander, what were you going to say there at the end? Yeah, for anyone curious, the experience of self-sucking feels like a 0% receiving a blowjob and 100% sucking a penis.

That's probably true. Blake Alexander, welcome, welcome. You've been on before, right? Never, never, brother. Oh, I just must recognize you as being the bad guy from Superman 4. That's incredible. Holy shit. That is incredible.

You are spot on, my friend. So, Blake, how long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, three and a half years. Where at? I started in Colorado Boulder, and then during the pandemic went to Hawaii, did it for a couple years in here. Nice. Nice. Hawaii, the home of the great Tulsi Gabbard, one of the good friends of the show.

Legendary fucking American icon. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You ever see her on the surf and be like, beat a bitch, this is our wave. Hell yeah, dude. She's a strong patriot. I love her. Goddamn right, 100%. All right, come back.

It was funny to watch. Handicap Martin was so in all of our hearts. I don't know if you knew that, but you came out here and really started hammering retard shit. Oh, yeah? And I caught eyes with this guy right up front, and he was right away not having it. He was like, you're talking about my friend Martin. Sorry, Martin. Blake has no idea what's gone on in the room before none of these people, they don't get

to listen to the show or anything, so they're all just. Your aunt was on right before you. I'm going to be on her right after this. Boom. So Blake, let's talk about it. What do you do for work? So I was doing some software engineering after college, and that's what I went to school for, but now I'm bartending, managing at a restaurant on Sixth Street.

Oh, wow. How long have you been bartending for? For about six months now, and then food service for like a year. I just got sick of staring at a computer for 10 hours a day and like, stay in my apartment and shit. So I just wanted to be in front of people, moving around, having fun. Right. Okay.

So you're six months into bartending. How's it going? Anything crazy ever happened there? Yeah, so I mean, this guy recently, he was trying to offer me Coke. So he's like this, this veteran is, and he's got an excuse. You know, he's a Marine veteran. But after trying to buy me a shot, he offered me some Coke and I was close. I was close.

Denied a veteran? Exactly. 100% dude. Exactly. I had a respect for this beautiful country. The wildest thing that happened is that guy tried to give you Coke once? Well, I mean. On Sixth Street?

Yeah. I don't even live here. I know what goes on weekly just by going on Worldstar Hip Hop. Hey, Michael Mallison Blair White. That was fun. They came in. Wait, what? Michael Mallison Blair White just came into our restaurant.

That was a highlight. Oh. Once. Blair White from LA Law. No, no. She's a beautiful trans. Oh. She was today pictured with Tulsa Gabbard.

Oh. Who? We talked about Tulsa earlier. We did mention Tulsa earlier. We did talk about Tulsa Gabbard. Well, yeah, yeah, no. I saw Alex Jones right outside the street. You know, that was kind of fun.

I just, yeah, you're naming people that live in Austin, Blake. That's something I think of a deal. The mayor of Austin came in once. That was nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Our names. Absolutely.

Okie dokie. Blake Alexander. So tell us more, what do you do for fun? You're away from the computer. You think you're not a nerd anymore? Oh. Yeah. No, this is super corny and vulnerable,

but who cares? I'm really into like meditation, mindfulness, the present moment, stuff like that. Dude, how? How vicious is comedy? This is comedy. I like, in Hawaii, I went through a trans phase. I fucked a lot of hottest trannies in the world.

Whoa, really? Tell us more about this. This is very interesting. Normally, Hawaiians aren't good at hiding their coconuts like that. I want to have a hug. No, not the natives. The natives are all fat retards.

Can I give you a preview? Whoa. But my friends are retards. But the imports, brother, the imports, the tie. There was an HBO documentary years ago about the trans strippers of Hawaii, and he's not lying. Well, how do they tie them? It looks like if you're going to do it,

that's probably the place. Dude, hell yeah. 97% woman, 3% man, brother. Right, you put it right inside of her volcano, you know what I'm saying? Put a hot lava in there, little fucking Joe versus the volcano. You didn't want to be full gay, but you got

tired of sucking your own dick? Dude, I'm telling you, brother. I broke my own seal, so. Wait, is that one of the condoms that you use? So what was wild? Give us an example of a wild night with a Hawaiian trans. Yeah, there's just this cute little tie. Cute little tie in the tie.

The Asian trans are the best trans in my research. Hairless. Yeah, definitely the closest genders. The sexes are almost the same. Have you met Hans Kim? I've seen him, I've met him a little bit. Sometimes he turns into Kim Hans at night. Yes, yes.

Hans Kim possible. Also, I know friends and psychologists, you can tit fuck while your balls rest in his chest. I try it. Put a little milk in his cereal bowl, you know what I mean? If you see what I'm saying. Oh my goodness. You ever go to Cambodia or Thailand?

Well, so that's the thing is I went to Thailand when I missed my high school graduation to go to Thailand, to go to Bangkok. That's what you love to do. For sure. And unfortunately, I was with family, so I didn't have the opportunity to unleash. Unfortunately, you couldn't go pay for Thai lady boys?

Unfortunately, I couldn't appreciate their culture. I'm close. So yeah, I had to revisit Hawaii. But yeah, so there's a spectrum of kind of passability for trans. I'd say kind of black is the worst. And then kind of Asian is the worst. Wait a second, what are you, a jury member?

What's going on here? And then I take Latinas. Yeah, it's kind of the jewel. Like a Brazilian Latina, it's kind of the jewel. But Asian, yeah, if you're rolling dice if you're betting on it, it's cute. Small, cute, feminine. Let me ask you this.

That's what I do when I work it, too. This comes up a lot in this question. Do you want a small, tiny, little, shriveled up tiny wiener? Or do you want like a monster hog? No, I'm not in the trends at all. But just so you know my thing, if I'm doing it, let's go with that monster hog.

I want to see the spectacle of a pretty chick with a big, fat dick. You know the three of them. I don't want to. But if I wanted to, that's what I'd want. That's fine. I don't want that at all. I hear that, brother.

My girlfriends here, she'll tell you, straight as an arrow. But if I was, I'd want to swinger. Yeah. That was fun, bro. It's fun. You want to have fun. I want to try on different costumes, experience life. For me, I go, you know, if it's swinging, it's dangling.

I'm not, I don't really care, you know. But yeah, sure, let's take a ride with the Anaconda. What do you mean, yeah, sure? The subject that we're talking about, I don't think sure is on the table. I don't think that's one of the multiple choice. Well, I'm not a size queen person. There's a trade-off.

There's a trade-off, as I said. You know, there's a passability issue with some people that have the bigger pieces. But it's like, if somebody gives you an IPA, you're like, I don't want this, but I'll drink it. But it is strong, so yeah, yeah, it gets the job done. But it is strong. Wow, you actually, that is incredible.

Any of these ladies ever, like, controlled you? Are they, like, dominate you? You ever challenged them? No, I'm not into that. You ever challenged them at a push-up contest? No. But that would be adorable. Yeah.

They're most, they're tiny, you know, they're adorable, yeah. Wow, this is such an interesting subject. But yeah, yeah, no, it's just, it's specifically Hawaii, like, of all states. Of all states, it's kind of a unique. Who has the worst transsexuals of any state? Ooh. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you have a prediction on that? I bet Montana's up there. Oh, yeah, first morning I was thinking of Iowa, I was thinking. Yeah, I've been to Colorado's, pretty gross. Like a big Mormon, yeah, yeah. A big Mormon, like, out for revenge in the second chapter of their life.

Yeah. Like a, like a chicken wearing a dress with big hail bayon arm. Oh, yeah. Bayon arm. Have you been with a Texas one yet? Where's it Texas? Have you been with a Texas trans yet? The old fucking H-E-B.

He heard the question. The old fucky the bucky, you know what I mean? The old fucking, the everything's bigger in Texas. And now, he heard the question all three times, just waiting if he's going to tell the truth or not. Yeah. What? Here?

In Austin? Shit. Austin, Texas. Yeah. I am going to lie? You know, we had a visitor from San Antonio. Ah. More like man Antonio.

You know I'm a man. I'm a man. Oh, yeah. So much fun, Blake Alexander. Fun set, fun interview. You're going home with a big cool mother ship joke book. Hand made Texas weather by the great Bones Eye. There he goes.

Blake Alexander. All right. Yeah, let's do that. Let's actually do that. Let's give you, you guys want a special treat? I present to you one of the amazing, amazing regulars on the show, famous for his fucking unbelievable joke writing, his unbelievable roasting skills.

This is the one and only David motherfucking Lucas, everybody. Yeah, I just ran up them stairs, Nick. You want to wait, like, have them play for 20 more seconds? Because the music sounds good. Here, go back behind the curtain again. We'll do it again. We'll do it again.

It'll be better this way. It'll be better this way. Yeah, do it, do it, do it, do it. Your next comedian, your next comedian is a breath of fresh air, everybody. You might know him from his amazing workout videos on Instagram, where he takes pictures of what he did that day at the gym.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite comedians on Planet Earth, the great David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. I can't, like, I love women, but I can't wait till we can go to the Tesla factory to just build us a bitch. You know what I'm saying?

I'm so ready for that shit, like, she don't even got to be that functional for me. You know, like, she can be, like, slightly above Asperger. Like, that is good. For real, like, she can actually be a deaf mute. Like, I don't give a fuck. I'll teach that bitch how to stomp to communicate, you know?

Like, two times for the bathroom, three times for food, like. I just want a girl that's down for me, man. For real, like, Down syndrome or some shit. Like, I just think retarded love would be so dope, man. Like, you ever seen how fixated retarded people are when they love some shit? Like, my bitch will love me like she love a balloon,

like, balloon? Balloon? I just want her to love me like she love the color yellow, you know? All right, man, that's my time, thank you. Hell, yeah. This episode has had heavy use of the R words so far tonight. Unspoken theme.

And by heavy use, I mean David said it once. They already put some of my drink in. You can't trust this nigga, this nigga. Well, I might go with it. Just enjoy the night. Man, shut your ass up, man. You got a fucking brave heart striping your hair, nigga. The fuck you tell me I'll just go with it, nigga?

That ain't true. Look what you did to yourself, bruh. This nigga look like a dog straight out of the pound, nigga, your ass. But fuck I had a good home in six months, boy, your ass. I already don't know how to act right now, nigga. Just acting like he going to a pep rally, where your ass? Fuck you got going, oh, all right,

why you do that shit, bruh? You look like you have cornrows, but they're like, wonky, they look like South American cornrows. See what I'm saying? Damn it. I love it. I think he did sprinkle a little something in your drink, but it turns out it was cholesterol medications.

Tony, a nigga need to put hormones in your drink, nigga. Get the fuck about it. Oh, come on. Look how rad you are, nigga. What the fuck going on, Tony? You got to stop laying up with that nigga at the beach, your ass. No way.

Fun fact, when I'm with my man at the beach, I'm face down, so it's not that. Tony, I do hot yoga every Monday before the show. That's why I'm so red. Just like a gay guy. And you do hot yogurt before the show, yeah. Hot yogurt. I really felt David hauling up those steps.

There really are. No one knows the back. No, the back got. For a fat person, there's like exorcist steps back there. And it's a lot to get up. I don't know if vaping during it's making people sympathetic to it. Man, fuck that shit, nigga.

It's true. I sent you back there to catch your breath. And when I said your name the second time, you're like. My cardio getting better, bro. I just got a bike. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, I just got a bike. You got a fucking bike, dude?

Nigga, I was riding my bike down Congress like 30 niggas hunked at me. I'm like, how y'all know me with a helmet on? No, they were hunking because you were in the way, David. You're hanging off into the lane. That bike lane is not wide enough for you. They're not beeping because they recognize you. Tony, if you ride a bike, it won't have no seat, nigga.

Well, motherfuckers just be sitting on the pole. They just pedaling like a motherfucker. You son of a bitch. What kind of bike did you get? Shit, Bones out took me to, is it called, bike forum, Bones out? Bike forum, some shit like that. And I just bought a bike for under $1,000.

I told them. How much was it? It was like $1,000. Wow, $800 on the seat alone. Incredible. That's fucking amazing. That bit hard, though, bruh. I put green pedals on it.

I did get a water seat. Green peppers? You put green peppers on your bicycle? Wow. Pedals. I did get a wider seat. No cap. I ain't even going to lie to you, bruh.

I did get a wide seat on it. Hey, buddy, I need some cushion on this bit, bruh. Oh, hell yeah. Does the bike, when you get on it, does it go, ow! That's what you say. Ow, and then you sit out, ow! That's because there's no seat on Tony's bike. There's no seat on Tony's bike, so he go, ow.

Especially if it's a hot day outside. That's true. It's already moisturized. Look at R. Are you stupid, boy? We were going on the road together. You couldn't come because you're stupid fucking kids' birthday. Yeah, my kids, bitch.

Black people put their kids' priority. They can come with your car. That's not what I've heard about black fathers. Yeah, what kind of rewriting of history are you trying to single-handedly do right now, David Lucas? Hey, man, my kids is everything, though. You can tell David takes care of his kids or his chain would be longer.

Nicky, you look like a Coney Island hot dog eating champion, bitch. Shut your ass up, man. You look like a rock and roll garbage. Man, you look like a rock and roll garbage, man. Nicky, shut your. Muffin, listen, the heavy metal why he putting trash kids on the truck.

Shut your ass up. What the fuck are you talking about? Holy shit. David Lucas. Ari, what inspired that shit right now? I'm doing it to fucking support Jay. So why? It's special.

But he shaved his off. I'll explain it. Oh, that's what you were talking about. I always do one side of my hair red or some kind of color. Oh. So Ari assumed I had that, but I've been running around so much I haven't been able to freshen it up. So now Ari just has it and I don't.

So why you ain't spraying the top, Nicky? How you gonna have a bald spot with a... That wasn't up to me. You got too much money walking around here bald, Nicky. What if I got too much money? Boy, your special did good, Nicky. All them candles in the back. Who blew them out when he was done?

I did. I put 20 black kids on there. They blow that shit out in 30 seconds. My kids love blowing out candles. Every time I should go to the bathroom, my body would just... Is that a thing? All these stereotypes. I had no idea the black kids blow out candles.

Black dads are always there for their children. Wait, white kids don't blow out candles? Not like black children. What do you think they do? Like set it off like altars? Just like... They probably call their dad to put it out. It's different blowing out candles on your birthday.

You the only nigga up here who got a birthday in dog years, motherfucker. Get your ass. You look like that German Shepherd from All Dogs Go to Heaven, nigga. Speaking of dog references, April 5th. Dog belly out on YouTube. You have to watch it.

Game. Game. Jay is that nigga, boy. Bro, you... His special is called dog belly. Yours is going to be hog belly. That was not... That's not cool. No, it's not Tony.

That was kind of like Tony. No, no, no. Hog because you're fat. Saved it. What's Tony's special going to be called, y'all? My booty hurts. No. Coming out.

Oh, but with C-U-M-M-I-N-G. Yeah. Coming out. Dripping down my leg. All right, all right. Oh, bro, me and Will, we blazing the stand-up live in Arizona. I just did the Milwaukee Impulse Holdout show, man. Me and Will tear it up in Arizona for 420.

I love it. 420, buddy. DavidLucasFunny.com? DavidLucasFunny.com. You can get the tickets, man. I appreciate all of y'all, man. Pull up. There he goes.

The great David Lucas, everybody. It's a lot easier going down the stairs, David. Back to the bucket. We go, oh, shit, he's still trying. Big Al Gonzalez is next. I know Al Gonzalez. Big Al Gonzalez. We know Big Al.

It's been a while since we've seen him. You guys still having fun out there, huh? Sorry, this is tremendous. What? This is tremendous. It's fun, right? Yeah. Yeah.

It's just so exciting. Nine years and 10 months we've been doing this show. Fuck yeah. Here he is, Big Al Gonzalez, everybody. What's up, everybody? I love it here in Austin. Last time I was here, this lady came up to me after the show. She goes, you were so funny.

I was like, thank you. She said, buy me a shot. I said, wait a second. That's not how it works. You said I was funny. You buy me a shot. She said, buy me a shot and I'll show you my good titty. I said, wait a second.

Did you just say good titty? Like, she didn't say titty. She said, titty. Now I was intrigued. Because I got to be honest with you folks. I've seen my fair share of good titties. But I would have bought her two shots just to see that one shitty titty that she didn't want to talk about.

Like, how shitty was that titty? Like, I've seen some pretty shitty titties. Like, have you ever seen a titty with hair growing around the nipple? Yeah. I'm not into hariolas. That's not my thing. Great. Some of the ladies are laughing.

The rest will be shaving tonight. That son of a bitch. My husband loves my hariolas. Ugh. Sorry. I just ran over here. I'm fat. Ugh.

I recently went out on a date with a lesbian. Not bragging. Just turned out we were both so drunk. We thought the other was a hot chick. Now we're both disappointed. Thank you. Big Al Gonzalez. Now we've known Big Al for a long time.

You've been doing this show for a long time. How long have you been doing stand-up, Big Al? Way too fucking long to be waiting in that alley. But yeah. Sorry. No insult to your show. How about the answer to the question? Oh, I've been doing it for about 16 years?

16 years, everybody. Absolutely. Very, very cool. And you've been on the show quite a few times. It seems like you're doing better than ever. I've been doing pretty good. Very confident tonight doing this set. Thank you.

How's everything been going for you? It's been going pretty good. Sorry, I'm out of breath because I was on the other fucking side of the road. This show is really showing you how out of shape can you do. Yes. We're all fucking out of shape. It's crazy how you run them right before they have to go on stage. They don't have to run.

Like if they... Oh, I had to run. I had to run. I was literally on the other side of the fucking wall over there. Really? Yeah. I think the last time I did your show, I fucking ran. That's where a lot of people with the last name Gonzalez belong.

On the other side of the wall. Yeah. Yeah, I said it. No, I'm kidding. Come on, Michael. Sit down. I'm sorry, Michael. I'm sorry, Michael.

Get back on the jumps, Michael. Oh, shit. All right. So, big out. How do you make money? You've been doing stand-up for 16 years. Do you make a living doing this? Because it's...

I eat. Well, yeah. No, I do. I make a living. I've been on the road since 2017, so I've been nonstop working every weekend. Yeah, that's great. It's been pretty fun. Right.

So, I was working with Trevino when I moved out here. Yeah. So, I moved out here back in 2015 because my wife got a job at a university in San Antonio. Nice. And so, then I had to pick up and fucking leave LA and come out here. And where'd you move from? Juarez? Yeah.

No. San Antonio. San Antonio. More like, man, Antonio. Yay. Oh, shit. So, big out. What's going on?

So, you've been on 16 years of the game. Yeah. You've been on the road. But that road that you're on is a grinding, grueling road. Can you explain to some of these people what it's like for you? Well, for me, I was working with a specific comic. So, you kind of got to adjust to working with a comic that you're working with. I was working with Steve Trevino.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, it was a lot of adjusting to his lifestyle. And so, I learned how to start fishing and hunting and shit like that. So, I have about four guns and a fishing pole now. So, I'm officially a Texan. So, thank you.

Nobody gives a shit about guns and fishing poles. Cool. Yeah. Okay. So, what's up? He's got great energy. Yeah. He's got a great...

You seem like a trustworthy mechanic. But you're not going to bullshit me. These breaks can go a few more months. I'll give you a good quote. What else is going on in your life? Give us something interesting since the last time we've seen you. I've been doing virtual reality. Whoa.

Oh, hey. Wow. Is that a thing everybody shaped like that does in the art? I mean, no. Yeah. It's kind of, you're too big. You can go live your true life over in virtual reality. That's right.

Be a Wendy's girl with big tits. I'm a woman with great tits. Yeah. You can move without being out of breath in virtual reality. That's true. Just by shuffling your feet back and forth and moving forward. I don't... Don't have legs in virtual reality in most places.

You are born, you mean? No. Not be our porn. Virtual life? Virtual comedy. Actually, we opened up a virtual comedy club back in 2020. Your actual comedy. What's that?

I forget. Sounds like a nightmare. It's great. We have sometimes like 20, 30 people. You could try new jokes out and people sit there and actually listen. You draft a suicide letter. You could do anything you want. It's incredible.

20 or 30 people sitting in their fucking desk at home. Yeah, most people like they went to Zoom comedy and it was just kind of depressing doing Zoom comedy. So my friend who owned a virtual reality company, he asked me, can you help us do a comedy club? And I was like, sure. So I went in as a consultant and we created a virtual reality called Fail to Render. And we've been doing it since then. So you can see them?

Yeah. Well, so it's kind of like this. It's not like this. But there's about anywhere between 20 to 80 virtual people in front of you at any time. Plus people who are streaming watching it live. So like avatars? Yeah, avatars. Yeah.

It's like, yeah. It's like a bunch of different styles of people just fucking chill. No, that's weird. Yeah. Totally weird. This is like an Asian Nintendo Wii girl like jumping and coming. It's just some fat guy named Gus in Idaho. I'm a donut in VR chat.

You're a donut? Yeah. I'm a big fucking frosted donut with a chef's hat. Perform as a donut? I perform as a donut. That's fucking cool. I don't know. Hey, you know what?

Kudos for getting into VR instead of killing yourself. Yeah. 100%. Can you, while you're doing comedy, can you jerk off and then just, they won't know? Yeah. You can technically be sitting at home without pants jerking off. Or it looks like a donut's whacking off. It looks like a donut's whacking off.

Correct. Wow. Just got a crawler coming out of them. Just fucking. Because the handles, they fucking, they go with your motion. Oh, really? They can see everything your fucking hands are doing. That sucks.

You can drop one hand on, pound one out. You could. Technically. You would just hear them breathing very heavily. Yeah. Yeah. Like me right now. So my wife's pain in the ass.

Oh, boy. Oh, God. Oh, boy. Well, Big Al, great stuff. Way to do it. Yeah. You did it again. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday at Vulcan if you can.

There you go. Sure. Thursday night. Thank you. Just about the real spot. Big Al Gonzalez. You've already got one of these, right? You have one?

There you go. Have one. Instagram. It's bones. Hi, everybody. B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. 16 years. He just got the red band nod.

Brent Reed. Brent Reed is next. Ari, you remember him from the comedy store days, right? Yeah. I used to hang out with him all the time. I don't know. Forever. There you go.

Brent Reed. How's everybody doing out there? Guy in the cowboy hat. What's your story? Where are you from? Oregon? Oregon. The border.

Which border? Whichever one needs him, right? Did we catch one? Here he is. Brent Reed, everyone. Make some noise for Brent Reed. All right. This is fun.

I wish I'd have worn a different shirt. I feel like I look like Ace Ventura penis detective. But I'm just kidding. I'm straight. Probably. Who knows? It's all a spectrum. I did go to a gay bar recently.

I'll tell you what. I'm the bell of the ball at the gay bar. Lots of free drinks. Lots of free drinks. Buddy of mine, I think that the reason I got so many drinks bought for me was because I look and sound like the host of a gay game show. Like, come on down, boys. You are the weakest twink.

That would be the name. That would be the name of my game show. My buddy says the reason he thinks I got so many drinks bought for me is because I give off bottom vibes. So next time I go to that gay bar, I'm buying every set of a bitch in there a drink to prove that I'm a top. If anybody's fucking anybody, it's gonna be me. I just moved here from Alabama, which surprises people because I'm, you know, well-spoken.

I called my dad today. I was like, hey, man, how's it going? He was like, brother, if I was any better, I'd be twins. Can somebody here explain to me what the fuck that means? He always had those phrases. My favorite one growing up, he'd be explaining something and I would give him advice. He's like, brother, I'm the one fucking this pig. You're the one holding it down.

You ever heard that one? Thank you. All right. Brent Reed. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Brent. Thank you. First time on the show, right? Yeah, first time on the show.

Welcome to Kill Tony. Thank you. My roommate was actually just up here. The guy with the headband. Oh, really? He's got a roommate. He was going to be a forensic psychologist. I know.

He fucked up bad. Yeah. He fucked up. I assume you pay the rent. I'm sorry? I assume you pay the rent. Yeah. We split it.

Yeah. You paid. He pays me with his butt. That's how he pays me. My goodness. So you are from... Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. So you're from Alabama. Okay. So how long have you been here in Texas? Three weeks. You and I actually, when you did your monster energy tour, you and I smoked weed together in Huntsville. I know you did.

2016. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was Huntsville, Alabama, I believe was my least favorite stop on my tour. I enjoyed it. It was a lot of fun.

For me. Hey, look, D-Madness is back, everybody. Look at this fucking guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. D-Madness, this guy might be gay. So... I'll get you. He won't see me coming.

No, no, no, D. Don't, don't, don't. D, sit down. Don't. Protect the holes. Yeah. So Brent, are you gay? No.

No, not at all. I know. Crazy. Wait, you just come out of your guns a blazer? Just guns a blazer, baby. You look just like you like Weezer. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot like being gay, I guess. I miss the narrative. I thought he was gay. Yeah. No, yeah. I'm super straight.

It's weird. I wouldn't say super straight. He's Alabama gay, which is gay, but you can't admit it for the rest of the life. I can't tell my dad that I'm gay. Don't tell my dad. I'm a gentleman. Yeah.

I would never. Your dad thinks you left Alabama to play professional football somewhere else. 100%. I had to tell my dad that I was moving halfway across the country to pursue comedy. He was like, oh, so you're leaving your girlfriend and moving in with Zach? He was like, I gotcha. So you did. You left a girl in Alabama?

I did. Yeah. Wow. Why'd you leave? Why'd you bring her with you? I asked her to. She didn't want to. You left your girl in Alabama.

Is there any Jenny by any chance? No. I don't get that joke because I was in the alleyway. Forrest Gump, the most famous person. Oh, shit. I thought you were talking about a comedy. That good one. Sorry.

No, but you should know that you have a similar short taste to an actual retarded guy. Thank you. It is incredible. That is absolutely frightening. That looks like something you get after fucking a Hawaiian trans person or something. So Brent Reed, what do you do for work? I just quit. I had a day job at Amazon.

I quit today. Uh-huh. So right now, I'm just, thank you, right now I'm just door dashing. Door dashing. Wow. What's that when you shit on the step and leave? What do you do for fun, Brent Reed? I like nerd shit.

I like watching movies and playing Dungeons and Dragons. No way, dude. They probably chased you out of Alabama. Yeah, they did. Yeah, I used to do a show there where we stand up live in Huntsville where we played Dungeons and Dragons in front of a live audience. He sounds fucking awesome, dude. Yeah.

Even this queer's games got books. Yeah. Yeah. It was super cool. So what have you noticed? What's the major difference between Huntsville, Alabama and Austin, Texas? What are some new habits or fun things that you're getting into? It's a lot bigger.

I like breakfast at Mexican restaurants. That's cool. They didn't have that in Alabama. They don't. What do they have for breakfast at Mexican restaurants? Nothing? They didn't do breakfast. They didn't open for breakfast.

What? Like in Alabama. Yeah. I think that's a thing. You ever do that? I'm positive you're wrong. No. I've never been there.

You are wrong. I don't think they did. You don't think that the Mexican restaurants in Alabama open up for breakfast? No, they don't. They super don't. You think Mexicans just start their day at noon? Yeah. Is that your inherent?

1130. Is it your inherent racism that just believes they don't start working until the afternoon? My dad works in construction, so I've hung out with a lot of Mexicans back home. But they only do night work? Yeah. Yeah, they wake up. They start late. Man, I feel like I'm bombing right now.

Here we go. It's okay, Brent. I'll fill in the extra space. Thank God. You don't need to panic. Thank God you're here. So Brent, tell us something. Do you have any special skills or talents or something like that?

Special skills or talents? Anything about you, Joel. You've been leveled mine. What? Touches the dragons. For like six years in Alabama, I was a top 40 radio DJ. Can you toss to a radio song for us? Let's hear your radio DJ voice.

All the hits, 102.7 Kiss FM, that was Boob Dick by Shit Tits. Coming up next is Some Shit by Ariana Grande. Thanks for listening. Yeah, I don't know. It was just Brent Reed. It was the same. Yeah. DJ Brent Reed.

In the midst. Hey, everybody. Another hit. Come on right over here. Hey, y'all. Slappy T here. Welcome back. Come out this Friday.

Give me live at Troy's all morning. We're going to go to Devon for weather on the Ones. No one listens to radio anymore. They don't get it. They don't understand what this is. Nine color against tickets to Ariana Grande. Big J is still on the radio, you guys. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys, I'm going to go past it. Jay's still trying to hold on. So the girl you left in Alabama three weeks ago, am I correct? Yes. Have you been in communication with her? Yes. Just about every day. Any reconciliation possibilities?

Yeah. Yeah. If I ever moved back home or if she was to come here, we'd probably be good, but she doesn't want to move to Texas. Why does someone in Alabama not want to move to Texas? It's a very funny, very funny answer. She gave me several reasons. Is she in Alabama three and a fucking Austin zero?

She is. She's a very pretty lady. Sure. She's also a comic, but she didn't want to move. She didn't want to move in another. She lives in Birmingham, Alabama. It's probably the wrong time to move to Austin if you're a comic. That's fair.

She lives in a blue dot in a red state now. She's very political. She didn't want to move to another blue dot in a red state. Oh, yeah, yeah. Birmingham. Yeah. If you're concerned about being liberal, you should just stay in Alabama. Right.

Yeah. Totally brilliant. Not only is she beautiful, but the brains on your girl that, uh, she'll fix things. Birmingham and Huntsville are surprisingly liberal. Sure they are. Yeah. Yeah. It cracks me up when people say that.

My group of friends for sure. Yeah. It's like saying that's the warmest city in Antarctica. Birmingham is a liberal city, but not Mexican breakfast liberal. Right. They're not out of hand. This is America. Brent Reed.

Fun times. You're getting a little jokebook by the Great Bones. Thank you so much. There you go. Thank you. He's on his way. Brent Reed. All right.

We're going to do something fun right now. Everybody, this guy might be one of the most polarizing characters in the history of this show. Some people love him. Some people fucking absolutely despise them. We had a lot of fun. Many times off stage, some on stage. The guy, like his last appearance, admittedly he was drunk and coked up and he's back for

revenge three weeks completely sober. We're going to see how it goes. We're going to give him a shot. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Uncle Lazer, everybody. Y'all's parents ever tell you that turning on the overhead car light at night time was against the law? I'm here to tell you that's not a real fucking thing. Okay.

I distinctly remember spilling my McDonald's french fries on the ground and reaching up there when I was eight years old, turned that light on, and my mama pulled the car over on the side road and backhand the shit out of me, like the way you hit a woman. She said, you turn that goddamn light on, cops going to pull us over, they're going to take you and your brother to CPS, y'all going to have to live down with the smelly kids at the YMCA. You know the smelly kids I'm talking about, the silver teeth in their mouth, the bad kids whose parents weren't there?

But that's not fucking illegal. But I'll tell you what is illegal, mama, having that open container of bushlight between your legs while you're driving, that's fucking illegal. I got pulled over the other night, cops said, son, you know why I pulled you over? I said, because I got the overhead light on, he said, no, motherfucker, you're doing 90 and a 45 and you're swerving over the goddamn road. So he took me to jail. I called my mama to bail me out because all my friends are broke, my best friend don't

even have a car. And I said, mama, I need you to come get me, I'm in jail. She go, what'd they book you for? I said, for turning the overhead car light on at night time, you lying fucking bitch. Uncle laser with a minute, 10 seconds, a very, very rock solid performance throughout. I thought about reading it off my phone, but then people gonna read, they're gonna know that I know how to read that fucking good. So yeah, it's going to, it's going to ruin your branding if people got damn right, find

out that you can read. Uncle laser, welcome back. Now that's a fun set because the uncle laser that we've known for the most part, has been a piece of shit. Yeah. You've been on heavily, heavily, heavily on the high amounts of six street cocaine. The worst kind. I thought I got poisoned with Fetamine the other night too, man.

I mean, I knew I had good cocaine in my house. So I quit doing the cocaine that I bought, but I started getting like real sweaty and hot and shit. Everybody else is fine, but I was freaking out, but I want them to freak out. So I was like, let me drive home and I know I got some of my bathroom and I did that and I was fine. But then I ran out of that and started doing it again and I had to go to the mercy room in the morning.

I started throwing up blood. It was a stomach ulcer from the street tacos I'd eaten. It wasn't the cocaine at all. So. Oh, wow. Do you know how many coke addicts I've heard blaming on something else? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Exactly. It turns out I had some bad Chinese actually. No, I just barfed it up. It's what it was. That's why my heart stopped. The uncle laser, am I right, three weeks clean and sober? Is that about about about a heart? Yeah.

I did some DMT the other night. Well, I mean, that's like a spiritual thing, guys. Fucking relax. Okay. It's different. Right. It's different. I blasted off and I talked to a little wizard man named Merlin and he's like, look, cocaine

is bad for the soul and bad for the nose. You know what I'm saying? So I have like a little balance. And you're like, but Merlin, I snorted this DMT. Well no, Tony. You smoke it, but. Yeah. No.

That's why. It was a joke. It was a joke. It wasn't reality. Uncle laser. So what have you been doing to fill the three weeks because you were really in it, man, right? You were doing it like daytime.

Yeah. Yeah, every day. Explain to these people because I find it. Well, it's not like a massive amount I was doing, but I get like two grams, do a gram and a half each night. But when you do that for the course of 37 days in a row, right, catches up to you. Then that's a problem. Here's another one, Ari.

Just how Coke people blame other things on it. Have you ever noticed that cocaine people always say, well, I don't do a lot. I have a whole, I have a problem and I fixed it, but I wasn't doing a lot. They know like one more person that does more than one more day than I just do some every day. Yeah. A gram and a half is a lot, though, right? Well, how do you stay away from it?

Do you leave your fanny pack at home so there's no one to hold it? No, really, I just quit drinking because as soon as I take this, as soon as I cracked that first beer, I got to get a bag. It's like instantly, simultaneously, I got to have it. Also, once you're drinking, the only way to drive home is do a little blow. Exactly. I got to wake you up. So don't black out.

Right. Yeah, that's not your fault. That's not your fault. Yeah. And he's charged the world with a chop on that. Don't blame yourself for that. No, no, no. I'm being too hard on myself.

So, laser, what else has been going on? Fill us in. We haven't seen you in a while. A lot of people, you know, you called out the internet at one point. You were... You called out the whole internet? The whole... The whole network?

Like everybody, yeah. Really? Like everybody. Y'all quit making us angry. Exactly, dude. Okay, exactly. Now, I've just been doing a lot of soul searching and all that weird shit. You know what I'm saying?

I walked, I'm going on walks and shit, and I'm going on walks now. Oh, shit. I do a little yoga from time to time. I joined 10th Planet, wrestling dudes. I got tapped out by a 16-year-old girl the other day. That was humbling. You know what I'm saying? So...

Oh, shit. No. Oh, yeah, you better believe it, bud. They got some fucking killers there, bud. You got Chris Delia, bro. Just fucking. Yeah. Oh, stop it.

Stop it. Goddamn. Okay. So, laser. You ever do meth? I've smoked it all the light bulb of time or two. You got to put salt in the light bulb and shake out the film and put it out and then light it up.

The film is actually with poisonous. Yeah. Everybody knows that, are you fucking asking questions? Yeah. Damn, are you? Now I know. Read the email, bud. Wow.

Ask us something we don't know. Tell us something more about your past drug use. Any other interesting highlights that we might not be... I mean, I've had terrible acid drugs. I've never done heroin. That's the only thing I've never done. Oh, tonight's the night. I was thinking we can get some black tar and push off.

Yeah. I'm only in town another couple of days and want to write a song. Fucking hell. Bobby, get the guitar, dude. What are we doing, man? I love it. You're into wrestling? Have you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up on it. Yeah. I saw you on the UFC the other day. Yeah, I was with Cowboy Saroni, he's a homie of mine. He got inducted to the Hall of Fame. So cool. He took me there.

We had a fat dip in it. But they surprised him because he didn't know his kids and everybody were there and they came. It was a touching moment, man. It was fucking real nice. It is super cool because nobody knows that it's going to happen. I was next to Daniel Cormier when he found out. Nice.

It was fucking crazy. Very, very awesome. Yeah, but I didn't realize there's so many UFC fighters there in general, like, you know, in the stands. And I saw fucking Luke Rockhold trying to choke out Tim Duncan because it was at fucking the San Antonio. And at the building where the Smurfs played, it was cool, man. It was cool.

That's a little thing there, yeah. Was that a hallucination? Papa Smurf was screaming, Tim Duncan hasn't been in San Antonio in 30 years. David Robinson was his tag team partner. It was incredible, dude. Uncle Laser, you did it again. Any parting words? Now, the thing about Uncle Laser, it's important to remember.

And I think, again, a lot of people have forgotten this or they overlook at it. Is that, you know, while I say he's funny and stuff and that I believe in him, he's only been doing it three months. That is a lot less time than everybody you've seen tonight. I mean, you had someone with 16 years, 12 years, two and a half years, three and a half years. You're only a few months in and you've already kicked what appeared to be your biggest hurdle. So well, Tony, it's early.

You know what I'm saying? We'll see. Yeah. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday, if I can. Baby Brian. Give it. Brian, I'd love to come to it, but Thursday, I actually am performing at Hyena's from a headlining show in Dallas, but next Thursday, I'll be there if you'll have me.

Next Thursday, Uncle Laser, catch him at the fucking secret show. There he goes, everybody. On Coke. On Coke. Yeah. Come on. Make some noise for Uncle Laser, everybody. Come on.

Come on. We have not had a female comedian all night. Should I pull out of this fucking so we get a lady out of here, huh? Let's see what happens here. Oh, I got one immediately. Look at that. Oh. Make some noise for Emma Dallenberg.

Emma Dallenberg. Emma Dallenberg. How fun. Doc Belly, April 5th. Hey, if you're watching this and you haven't seen it yet, watch Big J's brand new special on YouTube. I mean, unbelievable fucking. Also check them out on the roast of Bert Kreischer that we did.

This fucking guy. Tony Hitchcock kills on that. Here she is, everybody. The kill Tony debut of Emma Dallenberg, everyone. Make some noise for Emma, everybody. These people wait all night for this spot. Come on. One time, all together.

There you go. Oh, do I go? Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. Hi. How's it going, everybody? All right.

No. Yeah, we're going to get ready to it. Um, you guys, I, uh, I, I'm in love right now. That's good. Thanks. This was for you, Tony. This is good. My, uh, he, he's five foot eight and that's why it's a little silly because I'm a big

bitch, you know, I'm, I'm six feet tall and I was nervous to date him because I was like, I don't want to look so big by contrast, but I thought about it. And I was like, you know what, Emma, you kind of look like a Viking, right? That pillaged him. It's, it's kind of nice, but I was like, you know, is this sex going to be weird? I was a little scared the sex was going to be weird, but I was like, you know what? It's, it's, I, I did it and, uh, it's not weird at all. It's, it's actually kind of cute because it's like, it's like, I'm a tree.

He's a little koala bearer going for a climb, you know, it's like, yo, baby, go get this you can live to it's oh shit, sorry, all right, Emma Dallenberg. Welcome to the show, Emma. Did I run my time? I didn't see a light. Okay. It's all good. Welcome, Emma.

There you go. It's incredible that you couldn't see a light even though you could change one from where you're standing right now. We have a light. We have a bulb on number six that you could anyway Emma so cool, so good to see you ever since Jamie Lannister left you for his sister. You did so much good protecting of the, of the families. I think I'm too young to know who that is.

Wow. Five years ago. No way. Incredible. I don't know. I don't know. How old are you? I'm 23.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was all of it. Yep. She was so adorable telling her jokes, but I was like, I think it was my daughter was talking, she was like, and then he came and grows a thing, and he came up and it was me, and then he said, and then he said, and then he said, he grown up. My daughter is six foot tall also is your, is the new guy a black dude?

No. Nice. I shouldn't have laughed at that. Okay. So this is a real thing. How long have you been one stand up? I like three years. Where at?

Minneapolis. Many. You're the only thing. Many in Minneapolis. Wait. I fucked that. I fucked that. I fucked that up.

I did that backwards. Yeah. Boomi everybody. Can you boo me please? I did one. Thank you. I deserve that. I deserve that.

Thank you. The least mini person from Minneapolis. That's better. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're going to edit that in. Switch that around.

Perfect. You started at, how old were you? You started 20? Uh, when I was like 19. That's great. Good, good, good. That's awesome. You seem like a real stoner chick.

What? No. Oh. What are you talking about? No. You're just dumb as shit. Okay. I love it.

I love it. It's one of the other old men. Sometimes I mistake stone for vapid. You're like a stoner chick. She's like, what? What is that even? I like how she was like, let me just get right into it and then just stare at the crowd for seven seconds.

Yeah. Just go. Emma, are you really with the newly five foot eight guy? Uh, yeah. Well, it's been a little bit. Okay. Well, he's, yeah. Where'd you guys meet?

Um, we, we actually, we both do standup in Minneapolis. Oh. Okay. What? I don't know. Is this the first time you're in love? What? Is this the first time you've been in love?

No. I don't know. It's in a second. Who's the first one? How did he hurt you? Oh. Um, well, we met working at Applebee's, which is worse, right? I'm hoping more work for the second one, I think.

What happened? He fucking left you for the girl in Montreal six? Well, honestly, you know, we did great for like three years, but then we just realized we were different people. Hey. Hey, it's not your fault. Yeah. It wasn't you.

Yeah. You didn't see how great you were. Yeah. You know, no, look, look at me. I'm sorry. Look at me. You deserve happiness. You deserve everything you want in life.

You got to go out there. Hey, hey, you got to go out there and you got to grab life by the balls. You're going to show this world a thing or two, and hey, remember, Jay's looking for you. Thank you, man. I agree. I think you should, I think you should go get your baby back, baby back, baby back. They met at Applebee's because so, Emma, how do you make money?

What exactly do you do? Solving groovy murder mysteries with your friends. That's a good idea. I am a bartender in the standup. Okay. Yeah. You're bartending here in Austin right now? No, I live in Minneapolis.

I'm just here for the week. Oh, okay. What made you come here now, exactly? I have a friend from Berlin who we were like, oh, we should meet someone in the U.S. and he loves Joe Rogan, so we were like, yeah, let's go to Austin. That sounds good. Perfect. So you're on a trip with a new guy and the new boyfriend's back in Minneapolis?

Well, wow. Wow. Well, it's not like that with the Berlin man at all. Oh, isn't it? No. Until he presents that weird, uncircumcised European pecker. Yeah, that's a fair point, actually. I don't know.

Do you think your German friend would like to meet someone of the likes of the great Ari Schafer, perhaps? Yeah, maybe he's got some explaining to do. Yeah. Ask him if he wants to meet the great grandson of 0156452. Indeed, and he does try to fuck you. It's going to be in a hostile dorm. Yeah, we're staying actually, I shouldn't say we're staying, but you know, yeah, in

a hostel. So there's, there's, that's where it's fucked it. There's one of us. You're gonna get herpes and bed bugs. Oh, shit. Emma, thank you so much for coming on this show. Here's a little joke, but can you catch? Okay.

There you go. There you go. Thank you. Emma Dallenberg, everybody. There you go. Thank you, Emma. She's walking out of here with a gel blaster as well. Everybody, everybody pulled out of the bucket, leaves with a gel blaster tonight.

How cool is that, huh? What's a gel blaster? Available in stores everywhere. What's a gel blaster? It's this right here. You put a little canister, these cool, absorbable gel balls in it, and you blast away, you could shoot whatever you want. Some glow in the dark, some are...

What happens to the people who get hit? They laugh, they giggle. Oh. Yeah. They go, ha. It doesn't explode. It's like it just hits you. Yeah.

It's super cool. Do it. I don't have a canister right now, but... All right. We're low on ammo. You guys ready to put a ribbon on this thing, huh? Come on. You guys ready to do something special right now?

I know. It's been a long show. We've had a lot of fun, but there's only one way to end an episode like this, and that is with a man that has done more new minutes than anyone ever in the history of the show. One of the longest, the longest standing regular ever, which, by the way, first Kill Tony regular Kim Congden became a paid regular at the comedy store this week. How cool is that? The first ever regular to become a paid regular at the store.

This young man right here, a force of nature, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Bud Light is going to have a trans lady on their cans, which is great because it's really going to open up sponsorship opportunities for all of us. I actually got a call from a feminine hygiene company earlier today, and they're saying they want my image on all of their dental dams moving forward. But seriously, Bud Light is going to have a trans person on their cans because they're tired of selling beer.

Not to be outdone, Tinder has a new spokesperson, Ted Bundy. Trump is getting arrested. I mean, he got fingerprinted mug shots, and they even gave him an anal cavity search where they weirdly enough found confirmation that Apex Twin will be performing at the upcoming coronation of King Jonathan. Liberal parents be like, my son, better not be attracted to women. Okay, that's it. That's all good.

Wow, I loved that. Incredible. A minute, 20 seconds. No bear to be found. He wants no business going up against William and incredible performance, literally two or three of my favorite jokes of the entire night. Bud Light trans spokesperson because they're tired of selling beer is just unbelievable to me.

Short, sweet, whatever you said in the middle there, cut that shit, get right to that. Who was laughing right there? Is that you already? I couldn't tell. It's funny, it won't sell like three more beers. Oh, you're right. It's their bad place. Wow, he is crying.

Genuinely crying. It's a great joke. Either he loves that joke or he just got threatened by the German guy that's waiting for him in the alleyway. Remember, Bud lights were called on America's, you ordered America at a bar and they renamed Budweiser America. Remember that? Yeah, damn.

Four or five years ago. Yeah. Yeah. One cold America, please. And that didn't catch on. So now they're going to trance. They're going the other way. They are.

Yeah. Transcant says Matt Mueling. He only speaks fun fact. Matt Mueling speaks once every four months every four episodes a month. That's about one every 16 episodes. And he decided right now to take a stand and say the word. It's a trans cans, everybody. How about a hand for the great Matt Mueling, everybody, letting it rip, letting it rip.

It is a trans. Wait, that's not a real thing. Which by the way, which by the way, when you pull the tab, everything tucks back at the top. So it kind of makes sense. I guess all cans have been trans the whole time. Like a Pez dispenser, absolutely. You know, I love about you is when you were reading your notes off the thing, I know because

you read it, it said on that paper, but seriously, which really made me laugh for some reason. He goes, but seriously, it's such a funny thing to have in a speech. Yeah, I have a disability. So it's weird you bring that up. They're fuckers. Seriously. I wasn't trying to shame you. I wouldn't.

They kicked me out of school in the fifth grade. Why? Uh, I'm kidding, uh, that's a, that's a late April Fools' joke. So it happens if you miss April Fools' day. He slept right through, gotta bring him out on the second. Yeah, I actually had an inversion yesterday. I went to, uh, St. Antoni of the Six Flags down there and it happens, I think, to like 25 to 30% of people.

It's when you're on a roller coaster and when you're upside down, something happened to my penis and it literally inverted back into my tummy. So it happens to like 25% of people, but one out of four people. Is it eventually come back out or do you have to like do exercises? Huh? Huh? No, seriously, your voice sounded like such a little bitch, dude. It's hard to fucking understand, yo ass, all those moves.

Oh shit. He's powering up, we've seen this before, folks, when he gets passionate about something. Yeah, I mean, I have a fucking inversion right now, dude. My thing literally is inside of me. Wow. Is there a solution? Have you tried blowing on your thumb really hard? Yeah, I actually did try that earlier, dumbass.

Holy shit. The fuck? Yeah, I was blowing on it for like 30 minutes earlier, dude. I thought it would pop out, but it didn't. Wow. Wow. Incredible to have. Have you tried blowing into your butt?

Would you want to later? Yeah, I'll do it for you. Okay. Yeah. But now I haven't tried blowing into my butt, I think it'd be hard for me to do that. Yeah, Ari, nice suggestion, idiot. Yeah, I mean, what the fuck is going on? You were being so sweet, crying about the thing earlier, then you're asking if I can

blow into my fucking butt. What does it look like? How would I do that right now? I kind of meant if someone else would blow into your butt, that's what I meant. Well, that's not what you fucking said. Yeah, that's true. That's not what I said. Well, be clear, dude.

Yeah, I mean, seriously, we're trying to have fun tonight. I'm just trying to help you out in a version. And word of the wise, don't go to the chupacabra cantina. I literally fell through a fucking five foot in diameter hole over at that piece of shit. I swear to God, I'm going to find the owner and I'm going to trap them in something. What? Yeah, I literally was like a 10 foot fucking fall. I was at the chupacabra cantina the other night, right across the street, and I felt

through this fucking like five foot diameter hole. I swear to God, I'm going to figure out where the guy lives and I'm going to trap his fucking ass in something. You're going to trap, how long were you trapped for? Shit, I was in there for two days. What? Yeah. You were.

You're not going to trap him now for several days. Yeah. And then you get his gold. And then what? No, I really didn't hear you. I'm sorry. I apologize. This is something William notoriously loves slightly fucking with against everyone in

a while. Chill it out, William. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm on edge right now. I have a fucking inversion right now. We've got to get it out, buddy. What is your plan of action for getting it out?

I think we're going to go to the clinic, the Planned Parenthood tomorrow. Wow. Wow. Yeah, there's a good one in Austin. I already, yeah, I'm going to Planned Parenthood tomorrow. Wow. You thought about maybe hitting the Six Flags, taking the roller coaster backwards. It doesn't work that way.

I did do that. Okay. I'm not a science guy. Yeah, I did that several times yesterday. You tried it. I tried it. Right. What else did you do at Six Flags?

Give us some of the things you love about Six Flags. Shit. I had a bunch of fruit by the foot in my jacket pocket. Shit. That's pretty cool. I had some Cheerios in my jacket pocket at Six Flags. Man, my thing got inverted, y'all. I have a serious inversion right now.

I literally... William, if you find out how to get the dick uninverted, I got a guy with a chest problem outside who can need to talk to that doctor. Yeah, I saw that guy. That was scary. Yeah. Where's his heart? That's what I was thinking all the time.

It's a good question. Where was his heart? I'll tell you what his chest taught me is that everyone's heart is not where I thought it was. I was just wrong about where your heart is. So William, what else are you passionate about this week? Shit. Final four?

Four Square. Okay. Yeah. I've been playing a bunch of Four Square. What do you mean Final Four? The Final Four, the NCAA basketball tournament. It's pretty big in America. My team's out of it.

Okay. Well, who was your team? Is she the university? No, Marquette. Oh. Now I'm kidding. Happy late April Fool's Day. I hate Marca.

Man, I can't stand Marca. Oh, shit. My shit's inverted tonight. Oh, shit. And I swear to God, I'm going to find the owner of the Chupacabra Cantina fucking hide up in his tree, do a fucking rope down. And I will trap his fucking ass. The owner of the Chupacabra Cantina.

Is he in here right now? Is the owner of the Chupacabra Cantina. Oh, this guy says he's the owner of the Chupacabra Cantina. No, he wouldn't have the balls. Yeah, not a little pussy like that. Holy shit. Looks like your ass is inverted, man. Show us.

I mean, is it inverted? Can you? All right. William. So, everything is going good. Anything else you want to talk about before we go? I started swimming again a little bit, and I bought this Speedo on eBay. I love buying stuff on eBay, and I found there's this whole subculture of people.

I bought this and it ended up costing me $2,000, the Speedo. It was on this real hunky looking guy, but the Speedo is really cool. That's the main reason I got it. Yeah, there's this whole subculture of people selling these used Speedos on eBay. If anybody needed to know that, yeah, it's a really thriving subculture on eBay. It's $2,000, though. Do you wear it a lot? Oh, yeah.

Do you ever take it off? No. And I'm never going to take this Speedo. Apex Twin is literally playing at the coronation. What are you going to wear? Shit, I'm going to wear this Speedo. All right, William. How loud can this place get for the great William Montgomery, everybody?

One, two, three, four. And how loud can this place get for my guest, Big J. O'Gorson and Ari Shabir? The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. He drew this episode while you guys sat there. That's Ari Shabir. And Big J. O'Gorson Red Band is forcing me to get the phone away from Ari before Red Band tweets that he loves big black talk. Here's the drawing from Chris Rogers while you were all here doing nothing.

He drew Hans Kim in a cowboy hat. I know a guy that lives by the border that might want to buy that after the show. Chris Rogers' art. Guys, make some noise for this fucking screwball being a butter whiskey band, huh? Paul Deemer on the horns. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. D-Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. John Dees on the keys.

And Mr. Transcans himself, Matt Mueling on the electric. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Arts Service, Joe Blaster, screwball being a butter whiskey. Love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Excited as hell.

Cheers. You