KILL TONY - #607 - SAM TALLENT

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

Sam Tallent, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/13/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.—SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM – GET $15 OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF A SKY LIGHT FRAME BY USING THE PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, that has every past episode of Kill Tony. You can also click on tour dates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called The Sunset Strip Comedy Club, and go to that website at sunsetstripatx.com. Come check out the show and say hi.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour. Check out Everything Golden Pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, KillMerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers.

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You guys can do better than that. Are you ready to fucking start this puppy pie? Yeah. You know, I'd say great pride in the fact that here on KILTONY, not only do we find amazing talent out of a bucket, but we also feature some of the best goddamn guests on planet Earth.

I like to think we were one of the first to push Tim Dillon to the moon to introduce people to Shane Gillis. I mean, we were always at the helm of these things. The second I find a fucking monster, I have him sitting right here next to me. This is this guy's first time ever guesting on KILTONY, you're never going to forget that you were here for the KILTONY guest

debut of Sam Talent, everybody. Make some fucking noise. You guys better get louder than that right now. Thank you. We are about to have fucking fun. This guy is a monster. His first time on KILTONY, running the light, is his book, considered one of the great books

of comedy and comedians right now. Waiting for death to claim us is his special out on YouTube, free on Amazon Prime. And Chubby Bohemoth is his podcast. Welcome, Sam Talent to the show. Thank you very much for having me. We're going to have a lot of fun. This guy's got a vat of Miller light.

I like that. We don't drink Bud Light on the show anymore. I can't drink Bud Light anymore because when I think about what they did, I get so fucking horny. It's true. A lot of people have been asking me how I'm going to spend my money as the new spokesman of Bud Light.

A lady with a dick shaped like the can. Give me all of that. Pumps, Sam's first time on the show, but everybody knows how this works. Over 200 souls signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand up comedy time on this show. You know their time is up when you're

the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and interrupts them. And hopefully they don't go that long. And then after that, I interview them for a while. We find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised.

You guys ready to start tonight's show? Your first comedian is one of our regulars on the show. We have watched this guy go from literally homeless in a van, doing an obsessive amount of open mics, never getting paid for stand up comedy. He's now rich. He sells out every weekend all over the world. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim. So Bud Light has a new trans spokesperson, which makes sense because they've been transitioning to water for years now. I don't understand that because Bud Light is the most transphobic beer.

Nobody's committing hate crimes on white cloth. When you drink Bud Light, you want to hit something. You want to hit something weird. But it's good to be here in Texas. I love Texas because I'm an incel and my hatred of women is disguised as traditional values. It's hard for me to get laid as an Asian man unless I'm straight, then yeah, it's hard to get laid.

But if you're gay, then it's really easy. It's amazing how much more I can get laid all with a little change in attitude. But yes, thank you, guys. Wow, a real trickle away there at the end. Way to leave us all with a little taste of confusion in our mouths. What were you trying to say there?

I was supposed to be like, you know, it's hard to get laid as an Asian if you're straight. Oh, yeah. That would have killed. You got a long face, huh? It's all face, no eyes. It's crazy. Oh, shit.

It's true. Your head's built like a fucking surfboard. It is incredible. I've never really noticed that before. It's nuts. He's like four heads tall. How do you feel, Hans? I feel slightly body shamed.

Yeah, I like that. Representing Aviator Nation. Normally, that's an expensive shirt. You're famous for wearing free shirts. What is how'd you end up with that? I did a show at Aviator Nation. And they gave you that shirt? Yeah.

Perfect. Then everything's right on schedule. Yeah, this fucking show launches people to the top, getting paid in shirts. Heck yeah. So Hans, tell us what's been going on in your life this week. We've watched you go from broke and poor to thriving. And now the latest evolution of Hans Kim

is that you're a drug addicted diva that tells people what to do and is overly commanding in green rooms and kind of like a bossy bitch type. We've watched the full evolution in only two years. You were so appreciative of every spot. You were grateful before. Now people are saying that you're entitled. Explain some of this away.

Well, you know, sometimes in green rooms, you just got to be like, hey, I don't think like Trump is like the worst, you know? Like sometimes people are like. That's not nobody's complaining about that. No, nobody. We're worried about what you did to the rates of the waitresses in Tucson.

Yeah, no one has a problem with you thinking Trump's not the worst. We all agree with you there. Actually, yeah, no, I don't know where this is coming from. I'd like to. How's the drug situation been going? I heard a rumor that you were chopping up lines of cocaine the other night at Vulcan Gas Company.

Is there any truth to this? You're doing coke. Did you pee in it first? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You can have that. What does that mean?

You don't know pee. It's a it's an Asian joke. Yeah, coke pee. Yeah, you're doing it again. I don't know. Yes, I got I got a little baggy of cocaine in a Phoenix. Some guy handed it to me and I was just like like what I got. It's like a little toy to me.

Right. So I was like I was like sliding it across the bar, you know, cutting it up on the table. I'm asking more about the snorting it part of the bag of cocaine because like what we've heard of the slow evolution when we met you, you didn't do any of these things. You were sort of like, you know, if you know, whatever. And then we heard that you were doing bumps of cocaine

regularly. We talked about that on the show a couple of months ago. And then what I heard literally, I'm like, I'm going to bring it up. I mean, you know, I don't ever bring these things up to you in normal life when we see each other and we're in green rooms and stuff. I save it for right now. Moments like this would not only hear in front of hundreds

of people live, but perhaps millions of people will one day watch this. The shock is you don't know how to explain away the fact that I heard a rumor that you were chopping up not bumps, not little key bumps, not little cutie pie things. I heard you were doing fucking lines with a credit card. Lines, by the way, not line line. Whose credit card was it?

Yeah, who peed on the credit card? So tell us, is the rumor that I heard true? Yeah, totally. I did Coke at the Vulcan. I almost forgot about it. I did it. My girlfriend is like a big Coke conspiracy, Coke enthusiast. A doer, a doer of Coke is what you're trying to.

There's no conspiracy. Your girlfriend is a hot white girl that loves doing Coke. She's levels above you in looks, and you are just trying to keep up with her, and it is so fun to watch. It is unbelievable. If she was doing heroin, Hans would be fucking doing a half a set of Bud Light up.

I want to hit something or something. I can't imagine you on heroin. Imagine his eyes more closed than they are right now. What do you do on a night like that? You're chopping up lines. You're snorting them up your perfect little nose. And then what happens? And then I go host a comedy show just with a little more energy.

I really don't like Coke that much. I just do it to look cool. Right. Yeah. I was going to call her a cokehead, but I was like, don't call her a cokehead. She got mad at you last time. And then said you said conspiracy theorist Coke user.

You were like, she does cocaine, and also she denies the Holocaust. That's a lot better, dude. You sweet talker. Holy shit. Hans, you are always so goddamn entertaining. I fucking love you. You're an open book.

You are unbelievably entertaining. I love these interviews more than anything in the world. You're so honest, and real, and autistic. I love you so much. Thanks for opening tonight's show for us. There goes Hans Kim, everybody. And to the bucket we go. It's going to be Solomon.

One word, Solomon, is going to be first tonight. Hell yeah. Very exciting stuff. Really cutting up lines in the green room of Vulcan guys. This is what it's evolved into. I have people every week saying, I saw your boy Hans doing this. I saw your boy Hans doing that.

And it gets a little bit wilder every week. I like to keep people in the know with Hans's story, because we watched him go from nothing to everything. He had a plethora of material. He had 45 minutes or so when we met him. Here we go. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight. We're going to meet him all together.

It's first time it's Solomon, everybody. My uncle Tony killed himself last week. Yeah, he died overdosing on dick pills that I got him from the internet. So we bury him on Tuesday. And Friday morning, I get a call from Brian. He's the undertaker at the graveyard. And he tells me to come at once.

I go there and I find Uncle Tony's dick towering out of his grave. So me and Brian dig him up, turn him sideways. And this morning, Brian calls me again. I go there and I find that all the dead were outside the graves and crying and yelling and some even trying to kill themselves again. I asked one of them, I'm like, hey, man, what happened?

He's like, what happened? We came here to rest in peace, not get fucked in the ass. That dick went through my wife's mouth, her jaws broken. Look at her. So we had to chop Uncle Tony's dick. All right, Solomon, no doubt about it. It's your first time on this show. Thank you.

I would remember if there was a Saudi Arabian undertaker on before. This is incredible. Holy shit. Dude, bass player, I wish you could see this guy. Deep madness says he's fine. Just how he is. Thank you.

Thank you. Solomon, Solomon, Solomon, Solomon. Holy shit. How long you been doing stand up comedy? First time. First time ever. All right. Very good.

Welcome. Welcome. And what ethnicity are you? Yeah. Punjabi from Pakistan. Punjabi from Pakistan. OK. Incredible.

I like the cowboy hat. You're like Keith Turbin. Always works. Middle Eastern in a cowboy hat. I can't. I can't ever not make that joke. You look like you love all kinds of oil. Yes.

Yes. So how long have you been in America? 17 years. 17 years. So you moved here just after 9-11, huh? No, way after. OK, way after. OK.

You got real serious on that. I love it. What do you do for a living? Here, now. I work as a dishwasher. Very interesting. OK. Like a regular restaurant?

Regular restaurant. It's a chain up on 35. How long have you been washing dishes for? Three months. Three months. What'd you do before that? You heart surgeon. No, I ran a bar in New York.

I ran. I ran. We got him. We got him. I ran a bar. Wow. Yes, sir. Dude, who dressed you?

Myself. Whoa. It is incredible. This is fucking crazy. Yeah, it really is a wild plethora. It's like a mechanic up to the waist. And then a jacket, a girl left in the restaurant that you work at.

And then the hat just says the fucking tourist. When in Texas, yes, Tony. You got one, too, right? Is this Hot Topic Jay Leno? Those shoes are prescribed by a doctor. Yes. All right. So Solomon, what made you want, how old are you?

39. 39. How is that possible? You look either great or terrible. I can't tell, dude. What made you want to start standup comedy here now, today, live? Revenge?

No, I was just having fun. Just wanted to see you guys. OK, so you know the show? Yes. And you prepared a minute. Is any of that real? You don't have an uncle Tony? Is any of that real?

Yeah, Solomon, were you in a graveyard yesterday? This morning. Were all the ghosts escape their graves? And then one of them, like, got fucked or something? Everyone got fucked. Yes. No one more than the audience. Sam, motherfucking talent, with two Ls.

Remember the name. Solomon, my goodness. So tell us more about your life. Since all that was made up, I want to know something. If you ever wanted to do this again, I want to come up with something about your life. I want to know the real Solomon. What are you into?

What do you like to do for hobbies? I did hobbies. No, no. What are you talking about? They're like pursuits in your free time. No, I did a lot of theater, Shakespeare. Really? Yes.

You did Shakespeare? Yes. Wow, can you give us one of the lines that you did when you were, how many you want to see him act for a second? Here he is, the first ever person to read a scene, to do real acting at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. If he found out this was happening,

he would cancel the show right now. Ladies and gentlemen, oh, he took off his hat for this. Here you go, Shakespeare by Solomon. Here you go, Shakespeare by Solomon. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon. Who's already sick and pale with grief,

that thou, her maid, are far more fair than she? That was actually a thousand times better than I thought it was going to be. Hell yeah. So you say that, and then you say that, and then you fly into the Pentagon afterwards, right? It all ends in a la a la akbar. I like the head movement.

Romeo dodging bullets. Also, I don't want to be pedantic, but he did say he was Punjabi. So no happy Ramadan to you, sir. All right. That is true. You have a girlfriend? You getting any blowjobbies or handjobbies?

No, no. Yeah, I, no. No, not at all. No blowjobs. Maybe a handjob here and there, though, it sounds like. No. Wait, you're a dishwasher, a chain restaurant, and you're not fucking the hostess?

No. He works from home. Solomon, have you ever had a girlfriend? You've been with a woman before? You're a good looking guy. You have swagger, you have a beautiful beard. Got a wild fashion sense? Yeah.

So like, when's the last time you were on a date? Before COVID, I took a sabbatical in COVID. OK. A sabbatical from Pussy? Yes. Wow. I had too much of it. There you go.

There you go, Solomon. That's a big one. That's the one you're going to remember in the morning. You're going to be like, I killed it at that one part. And also, the blowjob thing kind of scares me. Why? This is going to be amazing. Wow.

No matter what you say right now, it's going to be so good. You see people get circumcised when they're like babies. I was about like nine-year-old when my mom just suddenly decided all three brothers needed circumcision. What were you guys doing to each other? No, man. That's what she was scared when we were babies. So she was like, all right.

All three of you at once? Yeah. You guys were like seven, nine, and 11? No, I was nine, but six and 15. Works no matter which way you say it. Yeah, so I had it chopped off. I remember, so. So what's it like down there?

Does it look like a fucking? Well, it's circumcised now, so. Right. Right. I bet you got a little fucking magic carpet down there and everything, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. So you're circumcised. You got circumcised at nine. Do you remember that? Is that something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the whole thing. Yeah.

The build up to it and then the hospital and. Did they tell you what was going to happen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they put you out for that? No. You were awake? No, yeah, but they put like a. Local anesthetic, of course.

Yes, thank God for that. I mean, I'm the only way they didn't do that is if this was done in Pakistan still. It was done in Pakistan. Oh my God, no. A Pakistani circumcision. Holy shit. Yeah, it was not fun.

Yeah, I bet. The whole summer was not fun. Yeah, you live in the neighborhood. Everyone knows about it. So all the kids are. Hey, so. This is what I'm talking about. That's your first bit.

I'm Solomon. I'm Pakistani. I got circumcised at the age of nine in Pakistan. They cauterize the wound once you go. Once you go Pakistan, you never go back a stand. You know what I'm saying, Solomon? Can you go back? Ah, yeah, nice.

Yeah, you shouldn't. I'm glad you're here. I didn't know if you were now. So the whole thing with the blowjob is that I can't. It seems like I have the trauma from being chopped off. So wait, they circumcised you with their mouth. Something. I don't know, man, the beautiful nurse was there.

I was. It's weird. That's how I used to eat corn dogs when I was a kid. I would bite in just enough to get the bread on the first bite and leave the little wiener. I'd leave the little. Pull it off. I didn't realize that's how they did Pakistani circumcision.

Solomon, I like your style. I spent too long interviewing you. Congratulations on your first time. Here's a joke book. That's from the Great Bones Eye. That's real Texas leather. Thank you very much. Thank you.

He makes these little joke books so good. There's little bombs on them. There's little steaming pieces of shit. They're very exciting. How about one more time for Solomon, everybody? Come on. Yeah, let the freak show begin, everybody. Oh, Lucas McCrary, everyone.

Current door guy, a local legend here in Austin, Texas. This guy is a monster. He's killing it all around this club every single night. This is truly one of those guys that, again, everybody's going to know. He's been on the show multiple times. Very funny, man. Make some noise for the great Lucas McCrary, everybody.

I am a straight white male. No one thinks that about me, though. No one thinks I'm a straight white male. Everyone thinks I'm Puerto Rican. I do feel like I have to come out as straight. My parents think I'm gay, and I get it. I understand why, especially with this haircut. Because this haircut screams business in the front,

come on my back. Here's the thing, though, I was not born a boy. I was not born a boy. I was born a man. I was born a goddamn American man. I came out of my mom with regret. I was a fucking man, dude. I'm done.

Thank you. I love it. Another new minute from Lucas McCrary, a guy that truly is really in a great place working here, a legendary position here at the mothership with a bunch of fucking a squad of freaks and monsters that are killing all over. How's it been going, Lucas?

We've known you for quite a while now, and you're in a very thriving position. Tell us what it's like being a door guy at the mothership. It's great. I love it. Oh, shit. All right. I didn't realize you secretly hated it.

No, I love it. I love it very much. Thank you for everything. No, I love it. It's great. I believe it, Lucas. I'm sold. I love it.

It's hard because it's like taking up a lot of time. It's hard with all of my other things that I want to do. I'm not able to. Right. You run your own show, a very, very good show in this town. I've done it multiple times, and I don't do a lot of other people's types of shows, but I love yours.

It's always good, always sold out, not easy to do. It's what I recommend every comedian does, is start their own weekly show. Thank you. Yeah, it sucks that working at this comedy club is getting in the way of pursuing your dreams of being a comedian. Yeah.

I feel really bad for you, Lucas. I mean, right now, you could be somewhere else having an opportunity in front of me. Well, it's getting in the way of the music, too, that I do. You do music? Yeah, I do. Well, we haven't been playing as much because of comedies, thankfully, been fucking kicking off,

but. What? I did not know this about you. I know this. No one knows this about you. What type of band are you in? You play the fucking ukulele, for sure. I play the heartstrings.

I quit wasting the A material in the interview. Tell us about this band. What's the name of the band? It's called Dumpster Fire. We, it was some friends from Tennessee, and only one of them has come down here. So I did the drums. He did the bass.

We lost our keyboard. You play the drums? I did the drums. You play the drums? I did the drums. I don't know if you know this, Lucas, but we have a little tradition here on the show. We've never done this at the comedy mothership before.

We've done it all around the world. Oh, wait. Are you fucking with me? You play the drums? All right. Well, that means there's only one thing to do here, and that's a Mexican drum off. So here's how it goes.

Here's what happens is that you do a drum solo, and our resident drummer, Michael Gonzalez, does a drum solo. If the audience decides at the end, who wins? And if you win, you become the full-time drummer on Kiltoni. And Michael has to be a door guy at the comedy mothership. Yeah, Michael has to live your nightmare. Yeah.

So ladies and gentlemen, I mean, this is history, because not only have we never done this at the mothership, we've also never had a door guy at a club, perhaps trade jobs with Michael Gonzalez in front of our very own eyes. Now, I must warn you, in the history of Mexican drum off, so tradition that started many years ago with our only other drummer we've ever had,

the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. R.I.P. Yes, he's in the graveyard getting fucked by Uncle Tony right now. Nobody has ever beaten the resident drummer. We did not even know you played the drums. This is so exciting. I still feel like you're fucking with me.

I feel like you've never played drums before. But I'm excited to see it. Ladies and gentlemen, going first tonight, Lucas McCrary, everybody. This is a Mexican drummer, only on Kiltoni. Hell yeah, Yoni, get all the way in there. You can block these people's views. They can watch it on YouTube in a couple weeks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is history. Are you guys ready to witness history? Ladies and gentlemen, going first, I present Lucas McCrary. All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, very bold creative decision for Lucas to lie about his drum skills. Very interesting.

So you don't play the drums after all. Again, interesting decision. Just for the fun of it, let's have Michael Gonzalez do a drum solo. Or I could have D Madness beat him in a drum solo. D, you want to do it real quick? Yeah, let's buck and go. Let's go, let's go.

Why have Michael do it when you could have literally one of the greatest musicians in the world, a man who's played with Stevie Wonder, a man who's played with everybody in Austin, Texas, one of the great local musicians, blind as a blind man could be on the drums. Ladies and gentlemen, this is D Madness. Yeah!

All right, so here's how we're going to do this. How many of you have Lucas McCrary winning that? How many of you have D Madness winning that? So here's a special stipulation, all right? We told you before that they have to switch jobs. Now we are going to remove Lucas's eyes from his skull in front of everybody. I finally get to say the n-word.

I'm excited about it. Oh, that's true. You do get to technically say the n-word. Lucas, you're a fucking legend around these parts. You just walked into a fucking chainsaw. You fucking lied to an elderly, blind, black guy? Yeah. He survived segregation.

You know how hard it was for him to find the appropriate water fountain? It is true. Oh, shit, a watch yourself from D Madness. Lucas said that, sir. Lucas McCrary, thank you. There you go. Back to where he goes.

Lucas McCrary, everybody. In 2007, I fucked so many girls who look like Lucas. Daniel Dewan. Daniel Dewan is next. Double D. Daniel Dewan is next. You guys still having fun out there, huh? Lucas definitely didn't know somebody tried that before and pretty much got booed out the whole time.

Very bold maneuver by Lucas. Very interesting. He's going to get a lot of awkward looks from me in the next couple of weeks because of that. We see each other a lot around here. I'm just going to go like this every time I see him. Really fuck with him a little bit. Daniel Dewan is next.

Are you being pulled out of the alleyway with over 200 people? He's not here. Not here? Oh, that's interesting. OK. I should be doing an ad read right now in this dead time. Mariano Di Vencenzo. Mariano Di Vencenzo.

A great name. We're going to see what happens here. Sam Talin's book, Running the Light. His podcast, Chubby Behemoth. He's a funny motherfucker. Comedians, all your favorite comedians love Sam Talin. That's an important thing to take note of. Your favorite comedians, favorite comedian.

How are the Lannisters doing? You guys good? Makes the noise, sir. Mariano Di Vencenzo. Oh, fuck. Hello, everybody. Hello, everybody. My name is Mariano.

Some people say I'm very self-centered. But I don't care. My pronouns are, aye, aye. Yeah, I'm not even Mexican. But people tell me I am, so. Yeah, people ask me all sorts of Mexican questions I can't answer. Like, somebody asked me recently how

I feel about Speedy Gonzales being canceled for racist Mexican stereotypes. And as a person from Argentina, I think Speedy Gonzales is a lot less racist than people asking me how I feel about Speedy Gonzales. That's weird, too, because this is actually true. I was a kid in Argentina. And I'd actually never met a Mexican person

before I saw Speedy Gonzales on TV. So it's kind of embarrassing to admit this. But as a kid, I thought all Mexicans were mice. All right, thank you. All right, Mariano Di Bincenzo. OK, welcome to the show. You've been on here before, right? Very long time ago at Antones.

Yes, I remember your face. Very, very interesting. Yeah, indeed. You look like you play the haunted organ of Chuck E. Cheese or something like that. Incredible. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up, Mariano? Three to four years, depending on if you count the pandemic.

We don't. You look fucking AI-generated, dude. Look at those hands. You do. You have an interesting look to you. Can you explain how you ended up like this? I don't know, a Argentinian weirdly enough, my sister's white, which is very confusing.

Nothing about you isn't confusing. Yeah, incredible. So what do you mean your sister's white? She's white white? She's white passing. People say she's white, and they don't say I'm white, so. Who says she's white? Black guys?

No, no, her. Not that I know of, but. Does your sister live here in Austin? She does. Your whole family lives here? My family lives in Houston, but just my parents, the rest of my family's in Argentina. OK.

So you and your sister moved down here together? We did not. We ended up here. What? Like, we ended up here by different paths. Oh, you guys weren't refugees? We were not. Incredible.

What do you do for work, Mariano? I sell Medicare products. Yep. Like, what kind of products? I sell insurance to old and disabled people. OK. How do you end up doing something like that? So I used to work in social services doing food stamps

applications. I don't really care anymore. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you, your entire life? You ever almost die? You ever do get good at anything? You have any special skills or talents? I have a soccer ball in the alley that I can't show off

because I don't have enough space, but I've been getting pretty good at that because of during the pandemic. What do you do with the soccer ball? Just, like, keep it up. Hacky sack it. Yeah, kind of that shit. Just in the house. Paul Beamer on the horns.

Can I ask you something? Sure. Why haven't you blinked in the last three minutes? That's a good question. That is a question I don't know. That is a good question. I have very big eyes, so I know that I do. Yeah, your lids are tired.

Got that Hans Kim cocaine in you right now. Got the old one. Hans Kim cocaine. Wet eye, Mariano. So you can keep a soccer ball in the air. You saw where I was going there? He showed us right. One of the old wet eyes.

You know what I mean, people, these guys? Normally, it's the, all right. OK, it's Argentinian anyway. It doesn't really count. OK, so other than keeping a soccer ball up in the air, which might be the most Argentinian answer to any special skills or talents, it is what else would tell us more about you.

What's your living situation like? You live by yourself? I have a I live in a house with my brother and another comic. OK, I feel like you live in that building where Hey Arnold lived. You don't look like people. No, you look like claymation.

You do look animated. It is incredible. So your living situation is a house with two other people. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? You see it. You see it every day. You know what I'm talking about. What is it?

There's some expired hot sauce. It's just from a taco stand that's been there for, I look at it and just don't throw it out. And it's been there for three weeks now or pretty smelly. That I just somehow there's just the thing I have where I just see it and don't do anything. And I'm never asking that question again. I'm going to say, well, we can take note

that Tony said on this day, he will never ask about another person's refrigerator. A little bit too honest of an answer there. Creepily honest, I think we all have a little hot sauce that might be over the date in our refrigerator. Three weeks, though, that's. Yeah. Red Band doesn't have anything that's not three weeks old

in his refrigerator. Mariano, I'm trying to figure it out about you. I feel like there's something missing. I feel like there's a secret about you that you're not telling us. You watch porn? I do. What's the weirdest type of porn that you watch?

Be honest. Honesty is so important, Mariano. I honestly don't watch. Like, I am pretty simple with that. That's just I just fucking go on Pornhub. And I scroll down and I find something and. Like what? I've watched transgender porn once, tranny porn once.

Once? Once? Once? Yeah, once for seven and a half years. No, I mean, I mean, once to completion. That's something. OK. You look like you jerk off to Greece.

He looks like what Yoni would look like without a mustache. You know, that's a great reference. Yeah, reference Yoni, who literally four people in the world knows what he looks like. Red Band, so good. Brilliant. Sometimes I'm like, wow, if we could win. Yeah, no, it's great.

Yeah. Yeah, no, that's a great reference. No, it's amazing. Perhaps we could talk about like a cousin of yours or something. He looks like my cousin Andrew from Columbus, Ohio. Ask him what's in his fridge. There you go.

Yes, we've. Yeah, there he comes. How long have you and Solomon been friends? What? You and Solomon, do you guys hang out? Solomon. You know Solomon. I do not know Solomon.

He's the Punjabi guy wearing the cowboy hat. And what I'm assuming is a duster right now. You guys both shop at the same demented thrift store? No? I do not know him. All right. Mariano, you are a tough interview. You know that?

It is tough. I mean, I just don't find anything interesting about you whatsoever. I tried my very best. Is there anything I'm missing? Is there a question I should have asked in which you would have been like, fuck, I have an answer for that.

What question? I've never done this in 10 years. I'm asking you. What should I ask you? I'm trying to think. Get the fuck out of here. Here, take a little joke book. Here's a little joke book from the Great Bones Eye.

Oh, I can't even catch the joke book. Even Solomon caught the joke book. Yeah, but if you threw it to his feet, he would have juggled it for an hour and a half. Wait, Mariano, get back out here. Mariano, come back. Mariano, send back Mariano. Mariano.

I want to see if he could do that for a second. Regressa. Give me fucking Mariano back. Get him out here. Come on, come on, come out here. Move the mic and the mic stand over there. Try to see how many times you can keep that joke book up in the air, kicking it.

No, no, no, no, I want you to fucking try with the joke. OK, yeah. You have a ball back there? Go get a ball. Do you guys have his ball? Get his fucking ball. There's got to be a redeeming moment for Mariano here tonight. I have to warn everybody in the first 35

rows that everything else he's tried tonight has failed miserably. Hold your drinks. He was staring right through us the whole time. Oh, man, he has cold, dead eyes. They are incredible. I wonder where his soccer ball is. I get the feeling this might take a while.

Michael Gonzalez, very excited to see a soccer ball. Here he is with his soccer ball. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the red. Oh, my goodness. Oh, starting with it on the ground. All right. Wow. Oh, there we go.

OK, here it is. Da, da, da, da, da. Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole. All right, wow, incredible. All right, get the fuck out of here. Mariano DiVincenzo, everybody, thank you, Mariano. Very, very cool.

I don't know if I'd say very, very cool. That's my way of saying please don't kill yourself immediately. I like it when people wait a few months before killing themselves, after an appearance on this show like that. Alex Faircloth. Alex Faircloth is next. That's a good comedy name. There's a lot of good comedy names coming out of the bucket tonight. I don't know if we're getting the execution that we need. How about a hand for Kevin Pereira, Fresh up a Loss style bender this week. Here

he is everybody. Wait, not, wait, not Kevin Pereira. Alex Pereira. That's a whole different human. He's a little swollen still, a little inflamed from the Loss to style bender. Here he is everybody, Alex Faircloth. Woo! Hacked our crowd here tonight. Could be enough for y'all cells for coming out, guys. Woo! Alrighty, guys. I actually just came out recently as autistic. I just got told recently that I have a Goldilocks dick. I don't know if y'all know what that means. Anybody know what that means? It means that it's not too big, it's not too small, it's just right for anal. I love segways. Anyways, I love my grandma. I hang out with

my grandma a lot. I love it. I know, right? And she recently, she told me, she's like me how I'm getting older. And before I go, I want to go to a pit bull concert. Front row only, though. And I was like, oh, grandma. Why only front row? You know, my grandma's a very Christian woman. And she said, I want to be close enough to where his dick hits my forehead. And some of y'all don't have vivid imaginations like I do. And so what I saw immediately was, oh, pit bull, oh, oh, oh. Did I lose so many of y'all in that bit? What the fuck? Wow, that was the worst on every level. Unbelievably horrible. And a ruiner of microphones. God, way to spread AIDS and monkeypox at the same time to fucking

everybody on Kill Tony. That was the worst thing I've seen in a while. That was horrible. I saw my wife miscarry one time. I'd rather go back to that moment. I wish you guys out there could hear the bass player with this guy's on stage. He's just back there. God damn deep madness does provide a soundtrack that only we can hear on the show. It is unbelievable. You know it's bad when a blind guy plugs his ears during a 60 second set. He's like, I don't want any of my senses working right now. Wow, Alex, we are. I think we all feel like your parents right now. Tremendously disappointed. I already know you're going to be a better interview than the last guy, though, so let's talk about it. How long you've

been doing stand up? I've been doing it three months now. Three months? All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, no, I'm actually from San Antonio. San Antonio. Okay, very good. And what do you do for a living? I'm actually working two jobs right now. I do, I sell phones, and then I work at Olive Garden. Whoa. Well, when you're here, we don't want you in our family, dude. Yeah, we don't do that. So, um, Alex, let's talk about it. You're gay? No. Really? No. Do you know why I'm asking you that? Because I look like a female version of Mia Khalifa. Is that why you're asking? No, no, no, it's because you seem gay. No, it's because you seem gay. Do you always wear muscle shirts? I guess. You guess you do?

You would know I wouldn't. Do you? I just had this on today, I guess. Okay. Dude, you don't need to do stand up. You're like a handsome guy who's healthy, like you don't fucking need this, all right? Go sell some more fucking boost mobile phones or whatever. Okay, I'd have money. I don't need your help. All right, yeah. This is so interesting, Alex. Three months in the game, you have nothing so far. Have you, have you had a great set or something? Has something happened to where you're like, this is good for me? Yeah, I actually just had a great set recently. Well, I thought I did. Where at? At the elbow room in San Antonio. Okay. Yeah. All right. What did you do there? What joke did you do there

that really went well for you? Honestly, me deep-throating the mic went really well there. Oh, okay. I thought I was going to like deep-throating jokes too, but. Right. No, they like comedy. Yeah. Yeah. You deep-throating the mic really had no comedic effect whatsoever. Made everybody kind of grossed out and sad. Look at this person. Yeah. You did that to her. Yeah. She wasn't that color before you came on stage. She had a hue and pigment to her skin. And she produced her to this. It is incredible. So you're not gay. What are you into? What type of person are you into? Uh, women. What type of women? Is there a specific shade or shape that you're into? I'll fuck anything. Like, right. Like, like dudes, for example.

That's exactly what I thought. You've proved my hypothesis. Okay, Alex, tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? What I do for fun? Yeah. Oh, I do stand-up comedy. Nope. Tell us something else, Alex. You can do it. I play basketball. Can you keep a basketball in the air with your feet? No. Tell us something else. No one believes the basketball thing either, Alex. Seems just like lie after lie right now. I do. I'm a really good stand-up comedian. Shut the fuck up, dude. I'd ball all over you, bro. Okay, so let's talk about it. Basketball's out. We know stand-ups out. What are you actually good at? What am I good at? Disappointing my parents. Yes, I'm really good. I'm good at that. No, no, no, no, no.

Say something's like real. Like, yeah, you're good at cutting the sleeves off shirts. Uh, fuck. That's about it. Okay, we're gonna keep it moving. There goes Alex Faircloth. Here's a small joke book. Here you go. There you go. Boom. Hey, give me Enrique Chacon. That's Yoni, by the way. The odds of Yoni making his first appearance eight minutes after a red band Yoni joke is incredible, by the way. Give me Enrique Chacon. We're gonna do him next. Oh, let's do it. Great. Angelo Ramirez is next. Angelo Ramirez. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up, motherfuckers? What's up, man? I went to these brewery in Conroe, Texas, bro. These white people were so nice. They didn't even know they were being racist. Because

nobody learned my name, bro. They just called me Amigo all night. And that was fine, bro. That's these motherfuckers starting calling me Tress Letchies. And I was ready to walk out there, bro, but I actually met a really nice white dude, bro. I forget his name. It was real white. It was kind of like Hunter or Tanner or Connor, bro. You know white names. Somewhat a hard R in the air, bro. And he put his arm around my shoulder, bro. And he proceeded to ask me the most racist shit I ever heard. He was like, Enrique, is that you would say whenever you make you love to a Latina, then make this noise in the bedroom. And he pushed me inside and he did this shit in the middle of the room. And I was so mad at Tanner, y'all.

But he makes it, he screams so loud. I was like, fuck Tanner, that was pretty good. And I was like, look, man, if a Latina made that noise in the bedroom, I was like, she found the pathway to citizenship. Or you put it in the wrong hole, big dog. Thank you. Enrique Chacon. Now a fun fact about Enrique is while he is not a Kiltoni regular, he is a Kiltoni Golden Ticket winner. The same level of prestige as the great Jared Nathan, Aaron Belial, so many greats in the history of the game. We found him in Houston four or five years ago, right? 2018. And you've been in Houston the whole time, taking care of your family. And then I was in Houston, you did some guest spots, as I always have you do on any show

that I have in Houston, right? And what did I tell you? Man, you said you was going to avoid my Golden Ticket if I didn't go to Austin, bro. So here the fuck I am, Tony. I told him, if you don't get the fuck out of here, because you're doing what? Living with your family, what were you doing for a job in Houston? It's just some clinical research. Bullshit. He hated his job. And then what did you do last week? Fucking moved to Austin, baby. I'm here, bro. And this guy smashes. This guy has a full set of the fucking, the walls shake when this guy goes on stage here in Texas. He fucking, look at the sweat. If I could just stop sweating, that'd be great. I don't fucking know how to stop sweating.

It's a long walk from up there. I was sitting down here. I just, man, I don't know, bro. I think it's my high blood pressure. I don't know. One of the most likable forces, a true fucking joke writer, a joke executor. Tell us more about your life. Tell us what you do when you're not doing stand up in Rika. Well, bro, just quit my job in Houston, bro. I got a job at Bucky's dog. Oh shit. Hey, so if you want a brisket sandwich, hit me the fuck up. Wow. What do they got you doing at Bucky's? You the mascot? Actually, yes, the fuck I am, bro. I'm the cashier slash mascot, bro. They pay extra. Hell yeah. I love it. The world's sweatiest cashier. Just handing back soaking wet change.

I got a napkin at the front row. Come on, dog. What happened to white hospitality? I like how when you're set, you like, it was very funny, by the way, but you like growl at the end like Wanda Sykes. Some people tell me I sound like a black woman, bro. I don't know if that's true, bro. You kind of do. You do have black woman energies. Hey, black woman hips. Apparently, you know. Yeah, you look like you hate riding the bus. Look at the way his tilt your head back again so we could see that fucking sweat neck of yours. That is incredible. Damn, bro. This went like pussy. Amazing. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh shit. No, put the can on your head. There you go. That feels amazing, bro.

Oh, hell yeah. Oh shit. Thank you, Sam. He's like, what is this fake ass modello? Hey, this is what it is. Fuck it. I need it. It's live, bro. I'm over. It starts like Shayla's movie mall. Hell yeah. I'm watching the beer come out of his pores as he sips it. It is unbelievable. Yeah. Enrique, what else are you into? You're working at Bucky's now that they pay well. Bucky's famously is a really good one in an hour. Fuck it. They tell you in money or brisket. Both both overtime brisket overtime. Hell yeah. They give you a deal on Bucky's food work in there. Tell us what it's like working at Bucky's for those of you around the world listening. You might not know this, but on top of the great

many reasons why Texas is unbelievable. There's also specific fucking things gas stations called Bucky's and grocery stores called H E B, which are the very best in the world at what they do. And Bucky's is a gas station that if you go there, you will never forget it in your entire life. Everybody's happy. They say hello when you walk in. They have every option of everything you could ever want. They have the coolest merch, the coolest food. I always get, I have one disgusting cheat meal that I get nowadays because I've been eating a lot cleaner lately, but when I go to a Bucky's, I get the Philly cheesesteak burrito and it is so good. I feel like absolute shit for three hours afterwards, but that's

okay. I have ways to counteract that. I have to chug a lot of water. You've had it. D madness. Hell yeah. Give it up. See what I mean? I have good taste and you know he has good taste because it's one of his only senses that he has. I'm telling you try this Philly cheesesteak burrito. You will not get anything else there. Shit. It's fucking amazing. Have you had it? Yeah. I feel like you've had everything on the menu, but don't call me out. Bro, I'm with you. All right. Songray for songray. Okay. Okay. Let him let out. Tell us more because I've never had an insider, a Bucky's insider before they took me to the office. They sent me down and they were like, Hey, we have a secret policy. If anybody steals

and you're reported, if they're unemployed, you get $500. So then we have to pay these bills dog. So, and you know what? It gets better, man. They were like, if you catch a employee stealing this 500, if you catch a manager stealing that's $1,500, bro. That is amazing. Money in the fucking banks. So you're just watching your fucking managers and coworkers the whole time. Pockets, bro. Oh my goodness. I've never seen a rat shaped like a pig before. This is incredible. Look at that little nark over there. Pig is my Chinese. So yeah. Yeah. So you're watching around. You're looking. Have you seen anybody stealing yet? Not yet, man. I can't see shit with a Bucky's off of the fucking hell. Yeah.

My vision is a little limited. So I stand in the fucking cashiers, bro. Just, you know, you are a monster, my friend and a very good comedian. Yeah. Thank you. That's all I've been doing. The way you roll with everything, the way you're so likable, so cool. I think you're an unstoppable force, one of the newest, best Austin comedians and Lord knows there's a lot of spots to go around for people like you. I love to have you on the secret show Thursday. There's one right there. There's one right there. Yeah. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, another minute from defending golden ticket winner and the Rique Chacol and everybody shot. I love it. I just love it. I think he's 25 or 26 or something like that. You're going

to see that guy for the rest of your life. Yeah. David Lucas is in here tonight. So that's the sweaty fat guy for tonight's episode. I called it before. Hopefully somebody heard me. Angela Ramirez should be next on kill Tony. I had a feeling nobody reported it. Oh, here we are. Angela Ramirez, everybody. Hello, everyone. I just moved here to Austin. I've been trying to get a job at a salon for a while now because I'm a hairstylist and I do nails and lashes and I love facials. And yeah, I've had my cosmetology license for a really long time. I don't know if you all know this, but all Mexican baby girls get their license at the same time they pierce our ears. I just be passing that shit out of the polga. I come

from a small town and I'm a stereotypical, you know, small town girl. I'm so country. I lost my virginity in a truck. And I'm so Mexican. It was a lowrider Silverado. I have a cat. He's kind of a bitch. How I feel towards him is how middle-aged men towards feel their towards feel their. I'm done. I'm good. Angela Ramirez. Welcome, Angela. How are you? You've been on this show before? Was that your first time when you were on the show and you came with like all your cousins and everything and they did stand up to I remember this. I remember this. Absolutely. That was that was great for you've only been doing it a few months, right? Yeah, right. Have you been doing other spots since your time? Yeah, I've been doing

it for like one and a half months, I guess. Right. A lot of spots. Yes. Yes. Different around town. Yes. Okay. Very good. And you live where you said you're a small town girl. Are you living in a lonely world? Yes. Do you take the midnight train to get here? Because it goes on and on and on and on. Yeah. Very good. That was a reference to a song. Yeah. That's my karaoke song actually. Sorry. Oh, I don't I shouldn't have said that. Hell yeah. That fell flatter than your chest, Angela. I was incredible. Hey, come on. Is that true? You lost your virginity in a lowrider Silverado? Yes. Okay. What was that like? Was that in the was that in the back of the truck or the cab? No, it was actually a crew cab. I was

in the passenger seat and I got a bruise on my knees the shape of a cup holder and I couldn't I couldn't go to I couldn't wear a dress to church for like the next couple of weeks after that. And how many of your cousins were there that night? I wish more of them. Yeah. Yeah. Oh shit. Matt Mule like said something. Hold on a second. Matt getting involved. Matt very rarely speaks. Let's check in with him and see exactly what he said. Go ahead. Matt wanted to know if the car had those hydraulics. Oh yeah. Was there hydraulics in the lowrider? Or did you have to do the movement yourself? Okay, I'll finish the question tomorrow. I guess that Angela. So you're looking for a job in a salon or you found one. I actually

got a job at Amazon, but I was looking for one of the salon. I heard Bucky's is hiring yeah. I get the feeling someone's going to make $500 from you real quick. Get the feeling she's got those sticky fingers. You know what I mean? You steal from the places that you work at. Am I correct? Yep. Absolutely. Very good. So you were saying at the end of your set that you have a bitchy cat. What exactly do you what were you? Oh no. Oh okay. Today he's a bitch. Okay. And does he own the Silverado that you lost her? No, I dumped that guy a long time ago. Okay. What do you do for fun? Tell us more about you, Angela Ramirez. I smoke a lot. I listen to a lot of live music. I love Austin. I go out. I drink a lot. I'm

21. Oh, 21. Very interesting. Red Band wants you to do a spot at the Secret Channel. So Angela, Angela, Angela. Explain to us what it's like being a 21 year old in Austin, Texas. Tell us a little bit more about that. Like because we're all old and a lot of like drink covering, you know, drain covering drink covering is all the rapists. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. And that so fine, I guess. I'm pretty protected. I was with my brother. Have you caught anyone trying to roofie you? No, I'm a drink coverer. You know, I keep my hand over it. Right. You have your own roof. You create your own. That's how you survive. Absolutely. So you're 21. You're out drinking. You're not all slam dunk. Yeah, no, exactly. I was trying to think like

Mexicans love roofing and roofing. I was trying to. So there were layers to it. I was trying. I was a bricklaying. I would have kind of understood it more. Men are talking. Yeah. Whoa. Amazing. Loci. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. So you said that your brother is normally with you when you go to these bars. Do you guys like go on double dates and stuff together? No. What types of other things? He's a cock block. Can you give us an example of a time that you were out and your brother was a cock block? Tell us the real story. You don't have to punch it up. Everybody's been trying to be funny. Just be honest. Give us a real time.

I wish they were trying harder. I know. I know. No, it's just like a guy will approach me and I'll just be like, Hey, what are you doing? And I'm like, Oh, what are you doing? Like, why are you talking right now? And why am I? I don't know. But like, no, just get in the way of it. He'll get in the way. Okay. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up and you're not working at a Amazon? Um, like during the day, maybe something that I read a lot and I go to parks and I walk and you go to parks. I'm a loner. Yeah. And the stoner. That was sorry. That wasn't on purpose. What? Okay, right? Yeah. Oh, okay. What are you? What's your favorite book? I just finished The Grapes of Wrath for the

fourth time. It's a fucking comfort book. That's a great book. That's your comfort book. Yeah. That's fucked up. You're fucking twisted, dog. You mean that book about a dust bowl family's struggles to eat? Yeah. What a romp that is. Yeah. It's a great book. Yeah. Interesting, Angela. Uh, so you have any special skills or talents other than the stuff that we've covered anything else other than reading going to parks and smoking pot? I do a lot. I just kind of entertain my friends, whoever I'm with. How do you do that when you do that? You sing? Yeah. What do you sing? Oh, shit. Like what? I don't know. I'm like a house. Like what? Like what? Stop trying to do jokes. Like what? Oh, what do you house of the rising

sun type of bitch? Okay, house of the rising sun. One, two, three, four. Best goddamn band in the land, motherfuckers. Here she is. Angela Ramirez. That was fantastic. That was amazing. That was fantastic. That was amazing. That was fantastic. Only a few months into the game, you're plowing through it, you're rolling with the punches. Here's a big joke book from the Great Bones Eye. Real handmade leather. There she goes. Angela Ramirez, everybody. Adorable. It's actually a much better singer than most people say they can sing. Yeah, that was very good. How about a hand for this goddamn band? Yeah. She could have said any song in the world.

All I have to do is go one, two, three, four, and they fucking do it. Unbelievable. Sal DeSantos. This is a very Latino heavy episode. Where's the white people at? Yeah. My goodness. Sal DeSantos. This is incredible. We've had Sal DeSantos, Angela Ramirez, Mariano DiVincenzo, Daniel Duane, Lucas McCrary was white as fuck. Whatever Solomon was. Yeah. Sal DeSantos is going to be next. Here he is. Sal DeSantos. Fuck yeah. What's up, y'all? I'm fucking fat, dude. And I know that I'm fucking fat because Mexicans are calling me Gordo now, bro. Dude, like what you just means fat, by the way, not like fat ass or like fat fuck, just fat. Like it's not clever. It's just fucking accurate. Like I work at this restaurant and

then I went to the back of the kitchen and from the back of the kitchen I just heard the chef go, Gordo. Gordito. Dude, my dumb ass was looking for Gordo. I was like, where the fuck is Gordo? He's looking for him. And then I looked at the chef and the chef was looking at me and I was like, are you talking to me? And he goes, nah. I was like, but chef, I'm not fat. And he goes, mijo. Come on, mijo. You're standing underneath the air conditioning? And you're sweating, mijo. Like you really want me to stop calling you Gordo? I was like, yeah. I was like, okay. Then let's wipe in the hole. Then I'll stop calling you Gordo. All right. Thank you very much, guys. Appreciate it. All right. Sal de Santos. Hello. How are

you? I'm doing good, man. How are you? Good. Good. You're undercover as a French guy tonight, huh? Yeah, dude. I look like a hipster Che Guevara, bro. I haven't understood a word you've said since you got up here about. Oh, really? No, no, I kind of do. I kind of. You look like John Leguizamo playing John Fabro. You really, really do. I couldn't get it out. It's incredible, Sal. So you're just straight up Mexican? Yeah, born and raised in Mexico City. Okay. How long have you been in America? 20 years now. 20? How did you get here? Did you illegally cross the border? Uh, nah, I came, I just flew over here. I came here legally, like the good ones. Yeah, you flew over. Where'd you land at? Where'd you get that airplane? San Antonio. Right. That's a. That's a

hub. A lot of direct flights from Mexico City to San Antonio. So you fly in and then how do you become a citizen? Explain to us how that happens. My dad used to work for a record label in Mexico. And then when that record label was like, doing some weird shit, my dad got hired by another record label in the United States, just brought him over. Did they do any songs I've heard? I mean, yeah, I mean, I don't know. Dude, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here if it was like, look at us. Slaps. Where would you be? Where would I be making a lot of like my parents would be fucking rich? But no. And unfortunately, no, not that, not that much. A lot of copyrights. Right. Right. What do you do for work, Sal? The Santos? I work at Kirby Lane. Oh, okay. That's

right. As a waiter. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Very good. How's that been going? Isn't it all right, man? You know, I, I, it's been good. I need a little more income. And then I started working at the Sunset Strip, which was a little like the little extra hit thing of it. That's red bands new club. So technically red band is one of your bosses that. Yep. I am. Wow. That's gotta be a fucking take that hat off. Oh, oh, oh, put it on. Put it on. Put it on. There could be pregnant women here. Geez. Whoa. So, so, Sal, you're kind of struggling for money, obviously, you're out there hustling around. What's your, what's your, what's your living situation like? Roommates do you have? I don't. I live by myself. How did you pull that off? Well, you know, like,

I always find ways to like make money. I just thought, you know what, like, I'm 31. I get a, if I get a, I know that if I get a part of it by myself, it's going to make me want to work harder and do this, like work, just work hard in general. So that's what I've been doing, man. Hell yeah. I love it. Oh yeah. Thank you, buddy. So you live by yourself. You live by yourself. What did I miss? What the fuck did D madness just say? He's always out here. That's goddamn right. Absolutely. Absolutely. I don't know what the fuck's going on right now. Me neither. But you should be happy. Your eyes are shitty right now. You're not missing anything, dude. By the way, sir, I'm a real hot piece of ass.

Sal, what's your love life like? You ever able to get any fucking little Chiquita bananas back to your place? No. So when I, uh, when I was on like two, three weeks ago out of girlfriend and now we broke up like three weeks ago. Yeah. Oh, you were on this show three weeks ago. Oh, like a month, but it came out like I got you. I got you. So, uh, how did that happen? How did it end? She saw his set. No, it was just long distance. You know, we were both kind of like, yeah, you know what, like where was she in Dallas? Okay. Yeah. Two and a half hours away. Well, here. Okay. She's 23. I'm 31. It was just kind of like a little life different. You know, it was how you did. Thank you.

Where'd you meet her at? Uh, work. Uh, we used to work at the same restaurant. Right. Dallas. Yeah. Fucking Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah. It was her birthday. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was a rat. All right. Uh, that was great. Looks like how you looked out at the crowd for that. I just, I just looked over there because I was like, I haven't even seen this. That's pretty cool. Sorry. You were like, she was a rat. Pause for applause. Bask in it. Bask in it. Back to you, Tony. So did you break up with her or did she kind of say, I think we should put an end on this. So how'd it go? Well, we talked about it because I had been feeling like, oh man, like maybe I should do it. Uh, we just different lives and then, uh,

she called me. She's like, Hey, we should talk about this and we just decided to just end it. Yeah. She's phenomenal. She's a great person. I don't know why I fucking did that. She's great. Jesus. Right. So now what? Have you been on any dates since then? No, I haven't. I've been working, and then just, you know, just trying to get better at this. Right. It was also like three weeks ago. I'm like, I just want to just kind of relax a little bit. Right. Because before you were in a long distance relationship, I mean, I don't know what the fuck, but you're looking to be like, I got to choose my words very carefully next. No, I'm not. That's not the look I'm giving you. Oh, gotcha. Well, we were for like six months, but she would come visit me. I'll go visit her.

Man, I am so lost right now. It's okay. Don't, don't, don't worry so much, Sal. Somehow you're sweating less than everybody else was tonight. Meanwhile, you're nervous and confused. Uh, Sal, any special skills or talents that you have other than being a comedian and a waiter? I sing. I like to sing. Wait, you sing too? What's your go-to song in Spanish or English? Whatever, whichever one you name it. Creep is one of them. Creep from Radiohead. One, two, three, four. Four. How about one more time for the band, huh? What you were before? Gonna look you in the eye. Yeah, Sal De Santos, everybody.

And you guys sounded good too Sal. Thank you so much. You already have one of these big joke books. You already have one from a few weeks ago. There you go. Sal DeSantis everybody. That song was about his career as a comedian. Absolutely. He does not belong here. Especially at Sunset. He's special work like 10 minutes. Should we go to this bucket one more time? All right. This is it. One more time for the band. Yeah. It's crazy. Over 200 people and they'll ask the bucket pull of the night will be milky milky one word milky. This is going to be crazy. Famously in the show's history we know that one word names are always some of the wildest characters. May I remind you of Solomon earlier milky is on his way to

the stage or perhaps she for their kill Tony debut. I would remember a milky if we've had one. I've laughed so hard at everyone who's come out. I cannot imagine what milk he's going to be. So true. These characters here. You got to love it. This alleyway is crazy. Thank you everybody. Let us pray. I'm just kidding you guys can relax. I can't even get my cat to follow me without food. I do kind of look like Jesus if he was nearsighted and had no pancreas. Now I do look like Billy Gibbons Gibbons had an illegitimate son back in 1983 as well. I had the Hank Hill ass but the Urethra is just fine. Don't worry about that. Trying

to remember everything. Last one we got. The world's pretty crazy right now. Everybody is conceded and ignorant of everything going around them. So just bring peace and love everywhere you go. But don't be afraid to quote Ezekiel 25 17 is somebody's giving you a hard time. Thank you. I'm milky. All right. Hold on a second milky. I got a lot of questions. Dude. Did any of you think he was going to be white? I thought milky was for sure going to be a black guy. I wasn't an angry black man in the past life milky milky milky. Finally made it where do we begin wherever you want. So this is your first time on the show. Yes sir. Welcome to the show milky. How do you get the name milky is that

because your jokes hitting it's like half and half. I was actually named milky after me myself and Irene the albino guy in the movie. Oh yeah that classic that fucking cultural milestone seminal film me myself and Irene milky milky milky how long you've been doing stand up. This makes 13 minutes. 13 minutes. OK. So you've done a few sets. I've done two open mics in North Carolina. I did an open mic here and bomb pretty bad but. Did you move here. Yes sir. For the show basically for this show. Yes sir. Fuck yeah. OK. Well you can add a milky to the accomplishment so you have under our belt. Look what you've done Tony. I love it. I love it. It's good. I've always wanted to have the myth busters

move here for the show and it's a real dream come true. One of the top young rising comedians in the world. So let's talk about it milky. What do you do for work. I cannot even look like you eat toads. Frog Taster. Tavern up in Wells branch. Pistol Pete's it's a tavern up in Wells branch. Wells branch that's here. Yeah it's right next to Flugerville. Oh. Well you ever go to a little tavern. No. No. What do you do. You said you run it. Yeah I'm the bar manager there now. OK. How long you've been doing that. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You're the bar manager right now and then you slipped in there at the last second. You're waiting on a liquor license. Yes sir. OK. So what if you've been managing the fountain drink

gun. No we don't even have that. You don't. OK. So what are you selling at this bar. Oh nothing but soup steaks machines. What. It's like slot machines but it's not gambling. What are people drinking. Whatever they bring with them. It's B.Y.O.B. you run a B.Y.O.B. bar. Wow. I'm the bar manager at a B.Y.O.B. bar. So you just watch people come in. More or less. And then he performs up close magic for them. No not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. In a past life you were milky the magician. It really is. It really is. This bucket has a fucking mind of its own. Fuck. We are going down the milky way tonight everybody. The milky. You look like you've had a full blown life. And full blown AIDS. It is true.

I feel like you have like some kind of like forest gump story that's like multi dimensional fucking different layers to it. You invented Sprite. Oh zero news. Somehow you fought in Vietnam at one point. Right. I'm probably yeah. So tell us about your life milky. Give us some some of the interesting fun facts along the timeline of the milky adventures of milky. I'm a natural creative artist musician. Wait wait wait wait wait wait. What kind of musician are you. Mostly composing now just beats and loopers played saxophone before taught self taught on keyboard. Wow. Very very interesting. Okay. Tell us more. Tell us more milky. I want to know the whole story. Give us your Cliff's notes if you will. Oh

my biggest passion is art. I draw mostly. Okay. Fantasy or sci-fi style. Yeah. A lot of big titty orcs. Some reason I have a problem with women. I don't know why. Everything's got big tits that he draws. Yeah. This is a this is a woman with big tits. Cheetah with big tits. Battle acts with huge tits. This is a claymore. A lot of people think it's a sword but either way it's got rocking jugs. How close are we to write about this. You have some big tits on things. No. Okay. Big big dicks. No. No. All right. So other than your drawings. Tell us more about your entire life. What are your parents like. What what type of a childhood did you have. What stands out to you. What makes you different than

everybody. What makes him different. It is true. He's wearing an extra large shirt with an extra small tie. It's unusually untucked in almost a bus driver type of way. The pants match the shirt exactly. Black shoes stepping on the napkin that young Enrique Chacon used to wipe his sweat off. Still that napkin is soaking wet by the way. There is liquid shooting out of it. I almost fell. Indeed. Your dress like a church gave you all your clothes. No I bought them. So give us some more highlights of the life of Milky. I feel like I could do this for an hour and a half. Oh yeah. Well I feel like I've been through two divorces emotionally. I have a baby mama in North Carolina. You have a baby mama in North Carolina.

How's the kid. She just turned 13 a couple days ago. Okay. You you're in communication. I'd like to be. Oh yeah. Well we have good news for you milky. We have her here. Your 13 year old daughter. Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for milkshake everybody. All right. She's not here milky. I'm sorry. She wanted to accept this award but unfortunately now. So OK. All right. During during a set did you do like religious stuff with did I catch that like you were doing some religious shit and yeah it was just based on the look that I have going on. Right. Right. I did mess it up a little bit and I forgot a couple bits but it was it's OK. You're likable. You have a good great stage presence for only

doing it a few minutes. You look like the youth pastor the kids don't mind being touched by. Hell yeah. You make those kids fucking come. Am I right. Hell yeah. All right. That's right. All right. That's a point for milky. Yeah. Yep. Yep. 100 percent. So milky I have a few more hundred questions for you. I got nothing else going on. You said that you felt emotionally divorced twice. Won the baby mama in North Carolina. But let's talk about this other one. What was that situation like. You're pulling out of a Kmart one afternoon. No we met at a food line where we both worked in separate departments. Really. Yeah. Wow. We're together three years got a house proposed and it just went downhill and she lost her

mind left me with a house. So I had to sell it. She lost her mind. Yeah. She just up and left. Why do you think she up and left. Did she leave a note or anything. Oh no. She just packed her just gaslighting me saying I was the problem and she had problems. Hell you all have problems. Absolutely. At least I own mine. Right. Absolutely. We all have problems. She said you have problems. You hit her in the face and then she left the opposite. She tried to hit me. No I believe you milky. I'm on your side and everything. Yeah because I don't want to wind up on the list you write in lipstick. It would be with eyeliner. It's more detailed. So milky when did you move to Texas exactly. Oh I've been here about

two months two and a half months now. Two months. You've been on any dates with anyone since you moved here. You on any of the apps or anything farmers only or something like that. No. I may need to try that one. You should try milk maids. No dates. No no dates. You hook up with anyone and you see anybody come into the tavern bring their own beer get fucked up. No. No. I mean I'm available but I'm not really pursuing it. Right. Right. You're just in love with the game. Sure. Wow. Very interesting other than running the tavern and drawing and stuff. Is there anything else we should know about you or your life. How many reptiles do you own. Great question. Great question. I got it. I got it over under

a four right now. No I used to have a chameleon back 15 years ago. Yeah but now I have a cat. What happened he swallowed it. No he got a respiratory infection and just died. Jesus Christ milky. Is anything gone right. I don't know how's this going. It's going good. It's unbelievable. I love it milky and of all the animals like chameleon which is famous because sometimes you can't see it which is like your daughter so that's cool. Hey fuck you baby. Fuck you milky's laughing. What are you groaning about if milky's laughing. That was cold enough to kill all of his reptiles milky. I like your style dude. You've only been doing it a few minutes. Great interview. Great stage presence. Oh damn. Let's try that again milky

throw it back to me. Throw it back to me. We're going to do this the right way. We're going to edit that out. Just kidding. There he is milky everybody. There he goes. The kill Tony debut of milky. He moved here for this. People of different shapes and sizes are coming into Austin Texas pouring in to try to have their moment. One more time for milky everybody. Did you try to have the kind of cigarettes they had in his pocket. What were they. Yes. Parliaments. Ligots. Wait what. Ligots. Oh God. Yeah. He probably could be the spokesman for them actually sounded like a DJ but you knew you smoke cigarettes. Everybody's moving here for their moment on kill Tony it seems and nobody has had more

moments on kill Tony than your next comedian. Ladies and gentlemen the longest standing regular in the history of the show more new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show fresh off of a whole nother weekend of sold out shows on the road with Duncan Trussell. Ladies and gentlemen this is the Memphis Strangler. This is the big red machine the vanilla gorilla the Austin slaughterhouse ballroom the killer Kenobi. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you William Montgomery. A Mississippi woman was caught having sex with a dog. Why is that news. That's not my America Texas. The Dalai Lama apologize for asking an eight year old boy to suck his tongue which is so weird because that means technically red

bands mom owes me an apology. But seriously in response the Catholic Church asked if you could forward me his resume. I was just in Cleveland and I'm a little confused they changed their name from the Cleveland Indians to the Cleveland Indians. So I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The bad news is scientists are saying weight loss during middle age may increase your risk of death. The good news is red bands life expectancy is another 70 years. William lights out Montgomery the golden boy the gel blaster the one and only. William looks like if everything went right for milky. Now I fuck me boy. It's nice to see you soon. Now an interesting fun fact about Sam and William as they work together

for years in Denver Colorado is up and coming fucking beasts of comedians. I was already up. He was coming on the train. I remember. Yes. And I was thinking to myself when William came up here how hard you would have laughed at William coming out if you didn't know what he looked like compared to all the other people because he's another one of these interesting looking characters is actually like him at peak performance right now. Absolutely. You mean that in a sweet way don't you Tony. Absolutely. Yeah you're fucking adorable. Okay. You're my favorite fucking confederate general we've ever had on the show. You got the knees out tonight which famously have the faces of ghosts. I see the faces tonight. You guys see the

faces. Oh you can flex your knees. Oh my goodness. Take a look at that motherfucker. Haunted knees. The rare treat that only William has. That's become a new thing. I do Sam on stage. I run out of material and I just started doing this. How's everybody doing today. So seven minutes into your 20. I'm sorry I've run out of material but William. William used to fucking come to the squire lounge which I hosted and he would show up with no money in a backpack full of fucking whatever beers he found. Yep. Oh my god I'm so proud of you. No one saw this coming. I remember it. It scared me. I remember literally the first night I went to the comedy store to sign up for kill Tony. I had a 12 pack of PBRs in my backpack and

the door guy is like let me look in your backpack and then I just pretend like I got a phone call and hit him in a bus. But I was that close probably to getting kicked out of the comedy store before I even got in there and the door guy didn't believe you because they're like we don't get Obama phone reception in here. It is true. Back when William drank everywhere was a BYOB tavern that he went to and I actually fill mountain do bottles with liquor and whatnot and I'm loving Hans being known cocaine because I'm back doing cocaine. I was literally just doing a couple lines up there. Oh shit. Yeah I don't give a shit no more. Oh no. Y'all know what beyond cocaine tonight. Yeah I hadn't done it in

so long I vomited everywhere right when I did my first line. There's vomit all in the fucking green room Tony. I'm sorry it's everywhere. Incredible. So we all know that you went through a recovery process to get off of alcohol and cocaine. Now that you've started cocaine what's your plan are you going to give it up sooner. No I think I'm going to keep doing it because I think I remembered why I liked it so much. It just makes me real talkative and it's allowed me to drink a little I've had a couple Bud lights actually tonight. So I'm going to be partying tonight. And Sam and I I think are we going to go try to get some people on the alleyways after this Sam and I actually killed what was it four or

five people in Denver seven seven. Yeah. Well two of them were trans. So yeah. Right. Right. Okay yes seven. Yeah we would stand outside of this bank and just fucking bank people in the head with our bags. Oh my god. We were so young then. I know. We look great though. Yeah. So fucking William used to crash at my house because I think you were homeless. I was for a little bit. Yeah. He crashed and we would fucking read this book and we would just read the last paragraph of blood meridian. I didn't notice the hat. Yeah. I would get all fucked up and read the last paragraph of blood meridian and see him. You might also like this in my darkest days out in California I would watch Martin Luther King speeches

and just start sobbing in the bed and I was like William some's got to change. I love Martin Luther King but it was nightmarish. It's got to be weird though because your uncle was the one who shot him. Yeah. James O Ray literally is a great uncle of mine. Yeah. It's not good that you know his name. You're also from Memphis. Yeah. Well Germantown. This all checks out William. How long I'm from Memphis. No you're not. I'm from East Memphis. Why would you even try to say I'm from fucking German. So you're from Arkansas. No I'm not from what I'm from East Memphis. Sam you know this man. We've been having a good interaction up here and then you try to fucking throw me under the but these people

I'm going to lose street credibility with these people if they think I'm from fucking Germantown. Who's all those fucking pussies in Germantown. We've been having a good interaction. What are you got a fucking toad in your pocket. I'm high on cocaine right now literally. So I love this. How long were you in Denver for William for three years. Three years. I'm loving this information that we're getting out of Sam about William. Tell us more because William is the fucking Hulk Hogan of this show. I mean absolute superstar. Yep. We don't really get to find out anything real about his life. He tells us a bunch of fucking lies every night that he's up here. Who William. Yeah. No. Yeah. He has a very. Yeah. I never

liked raising bread. I think I've said that before. I fucking hate that shit. Y'all really think I like lemon lies. I hate those fucking things. You know you know that joke about the whistling album. You guys know the whistling album. I was there the night that he first performed that at the Squire lounge. It was cool to hear you. Yeah. He won the bar tab. I won the bar. And then it was great to hear you do it here as a new minute eight years later. Sam. That was fun to see. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Seriously. Stop. I don't think he's ever going to stop. I'm never going to stop. I think we've met Williams match here tonight. That's one of the things you say instead of having an act. You're really going to both

fucking clap at that right in front of me. You pieces of shit. Fuck you all. Somebody get them out of here. I'm not going to keep on going up here with these pieces of shit. I remember the first time he said that too was nine years ago. Wow. Can I I'll be sincere right now. I saw William in Denver and I said bro you're so fucking funny and we became very fast friends. I said you got to get the fuck out of Denver. Move to L.A. and now look at you man. Absolutely unbelievable. So true. An absolute fucking rock star. He's back on cocaine. What are you going to do with this cocaine thing? Are you going to fucking try to clear it up or are you going to fuck it? Yeah. No. I think I'm going to go back to

my place after this and bake a bowl of Cheerios and pour a little honey on top. Y'all ever do that. It's so good. Very good. You do that a lot. Yeah. I've been doing that all that time pretty much. I get Cheerios and then I put a honey on top. I'm not proud of it. I shouldn't even brought that up. I don't know why I brought that up. How often do you do that? Pretty much every night. Why are you laughing? I just remember you when you were all fucked up in L.A. during quarantine. You'd call me from the fucking porch or your girlfriend's grandpa's. Yep. Yep. I would make phone calls. This definitely checks out all of us. All of us. Well, I guess we weren't in Austin yet or else you guys would

have had a lot of phone calls. All of us would take our long phone calls with William that you could not get him off the phone. He was coked up to the gills, drinking cheap beer. Nothing made any sense. It was bad. I was horribly depressed. I was in a horrible depression. I could feel his depression beaming through the phone. So you didn't want to be the one to be like, all right, I got to go because you felt like he was going to kill himself immediately after you hung up the phone. So we all would take these long phone calls with William. Now he's happy as shit, absolutely thriving, making like $40,000 a month on Cameo or something like that. No, it's a decent amount. Yeah. Thank you, everybody

for getting Cameo. Did his girlfriend tell you how much he's making because she told me as well. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah, he's doing OK. Yeah, it's fun. It's all positive. It's positive. It's positive. It's generally positive. You're going to keep doing the Cameo. You're ever going to. I think I'm never going to stop doing the Cameo because I literally bought a five million dollar fucking house. So I got to keep doing the Cameo. Wow, a five million dollar house. The banker told me not to do it, but I don't give a shit anymore. Oh, shit. William, do you remember when your brother like died for four minutes? Yeah, Tennessee. Yeah. He got QB sneaked and I was like, sell them. What is QB sneaking?

He said when somebody gives you a Xanax bar when they put it in your beer and you died at the University of Tennessee. But then they brought him back to life. And the next day, you showed me a picture of him in line at a Mo's burrito, right in his hospital scrubs. Yeah, sweet seldom on memory. My brother. This is incredible. This might be, you know, William has been on every single episode of the show for five years, and I think we found out more about him in this last 12 minutes than we did in the five years before that. Ladies and gentlemen, how loud can this place get for William Montgomery 3R? Red rose, yellow rose, gel blaster, Austin security guard service, screwball, peanut butter whiskey, Zipix, nicotine

toothpicks. We love them. The drawing of Sam Talin is in from Ryan Jebo. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa, a winking William Montgomery, everybody. I thought it was Pennywise the clown. That's the great Chris Rogers, the screwball, peanut butter whiskey, kill Tony man. One more time for Paul Deemer, everybody. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, and one more time for D-Madness, everybody. How loud can this place get his first time on the show? Sam Talin, everyone. Running the light, waiting for Des Declaimus and Chubby Bohemoth. Check out all of his work. One of the best out there right now, Sam Talin with two L's in that last name. Red Band,

thank you guys. Love you. We love you. Thank you guys so much. Good night, everybody. Good night. You