KILL TONY - #609 - IAN FIDANCE + JOY HINCHCLIFFE

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Ian Fidance, Joy Hinchcliffe, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/24/2023SPONSORED BY:HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/TONY16 and use code “tony16” for 16 free meals plus free shipping!—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—GAMETIME! – Download the Gametime app at Gametime.co, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code KILLTONY for $20 off.—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—MANSCAPED.COM – USE COUPON CODE “TONY” – GET 20% OFF + FREE SHIPPING – VISIT MANSCAPED.COM.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, that has every past episode of Kill Tony. You can also click on tour dates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called The Sunset Strip Comedy Club, and go to that website at sunsetstripatx.com. Come check out the show and say hi.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour. Check out Everything Golden Pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, KillMerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers.

Go to KillMerch.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y'all, the new Kill Merch store is up and running at 1,000 miles an hour. It is our official Kill Tony online shop, KillMerch.com. T-shirts, hoodies, bonsai made real Texas leather jokebooks, Kill Tony hats, Kill Tony knit winter hats, beer koozies, bandanas, trucker hats, McVader made posters,

some Ryan J. E. Belt art coming in soon, and Kill Tony stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Kill Tony NASCAR shirt, the Kill Tony hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve. Super cool stuff. We tested all of this out ourselves

and made sure that it's very high quality. There's a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything. Anyway, go to KillMerch.com. You know what to do. Support the show. Buy some stuff. Look cool.

Tell your friends. You know what to do. Go to KillMerch.com. Hey, this is Redman, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Who's ready to have the best fucking night of their lives

tonight, huh? Yippee. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hey, everybody. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, motherfucking gel blaster, Austin Security Guard service, and screwball peanut butter whiskey. How about a hand for the fucking band?

Am I right, people? Welcome to Austin, Texas, the live music capital of the world. That's the great Terrell Shaheed way over there on saxophone. Paul Deemer on the motherfucking trombone. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar.

And that's motherfucking D madness right there, right down the goddamn barrel. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. This is a special one, I promise you. But before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

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Tonight's two guests. Two of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. One is a, literally, our most utilized guest in the past year or one of our favorites, The Bundle of Energy out of New York, massive podcaster, and joining him, sitting in between us tonight is a killtony, a legend. She has only done one set ever in her entire life.

She got a double standing ovation on the five year episode of Killtony, and she's joining us on panel tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Anne Phydance and Joy Hingecliffe, my mother, everybody. Put your fucking hands together. Here we go. She's got a cell phone, everybody.

Look out. Joy Hingecliffe, 76 years old. Anne Phydance. One of the funniest human beings I know. You know I'm from being Anne with Jordan. Bye, guys, with Zach and Miko. Anne Phydance is back again. Hello, Anne.

How are you? Hello, Tony. I'm fantastic. I'm very happy to be here. I know. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. You have a lot of water. I got a lot of water.

You guys pay for it. I'm taking this back to the hotel. Rogan charges the comedians $8. He's preparing as well. No, I'm kidding. And Joy Hingecliffe, grab that microphone. Say hi to these people. Her second time ever on a stage.

Killtony, five year anniversary. The next night she sat in between me and Dave Chappelle and judged a roast battle. And tonight is her first time. She watches every episode. The people that know the show tend to be the best guests. How do you feel? I'm very happy to be here.

I'm very happy. There you go. Very, very sweet. We're gonna have fun. You guys know how it works. Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. They are piled on top of one another in the alleyway.

If I pull their name out, that means they get 60 seconds on and are repted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. In order to speed up the process, I'm gonna pick the first name now.

It's going to be Michael Ridley. But to start the show, everybody, while they prepare Michael and get him out of this castle, we've learned it takes a minute and a half to get anybody out of the alleyway or anywhere around the building. So I've pre-pulled. But going first tonight, one of our regulars,

you know him, ladies and gentlemen. You love him. It's the one and only Hans Kim, everyone. This is Hans Kim. What's up? I love it here in Austin because I love watching people with allergies, road rager. Get out of my lane or I'm gonna seize on you.

But yes, what else is going on? Uh... Hey, Ian. Uh, so... Recently, a white guy shot a black kid. He was ringing the doorbell and then he shot him. Remember this? Yeah, it was very sad and everyone's, you know, like,

you shouldn't shoot people. But you didn't see the way that this kid rang the doorbell. He rang it sideways like a gangster. Ding dong, Black Lives Matter, motherfucker. Kind of deserved it. Um... Tax season was recently. Uh, what a season that was.

I actually did my taxes by hand. I mailed it through the paper ballot because that's how Joe Biden got elected. Yeah. If it worked for him to get the highest office in the land, then it can convince the IRS I made $76,000 as a sex therapist. All right, thank you.

Ah, it's Kim. All right, Hans, let's talk about it. How do you feel? I feel amazing. Uh, thank you, Tony, again, for another amazing opportunity in front of this beautiful, beautiful fertile crowd. Did you say fertile? Yes.

And what do you mean exactly when you say fertile? I mean, these tickets are hard to get and I feel like the only person who can get it and I feel like the only people that can really get them are, like, people that have a lot of, like, uh, testosterone in their balls. LAUGHTER Ian?

That's why I'm here. Yeah, I mean, that's really it. LAUGHTER You think that the only way that people can buy tickets quickly is if they have testosterone in their balls? Yeah, like, it's a social event. You want to be seen, so it's, like, people that are good at social things are going to be, like, you know, yeah.

Like, like that guy right there. Are you pointing at random members of the audience right now? Wait a sec. That guy knows what I'm talking about. He's got big, testy balls. Yeah. Hans, are you back on drugs again? I have done drugs, yeah. Oh, wow, wow, wow, I could tell.

It's a little bit, a little scrambled Asian brain up there. Normally, your timing is a little bit different. I know, I know cocaine bender Hans Kim, and for those of you that haven't been keeping up, I mean, we're a couple weeks ahead, but I mean, you know... Are you a big, are you a big cokehead? Not anymore. Well, what happened this week? Tell us.

I went camping with my girlfriend, uh, some lady yelled at me about my drone flying. I, uh... You know, good old camping drug, cocaine, everybody. Nothing better than going out in the wilderness and really making sure that the fire stays going all night long. So you took a bunch of cocaine on this camping trip. No, Tony, I've been clean and sober.

I've been, uh... My only drug is Kill Tony. I know for a... A witness told me they saw you snort a line of something off of a green room table somewhere this week, and I don't think it was a line of Kill Tony. Good old powdered KT, you know what I mean? I need another minute.

Hans, how do you feel? You good? I'm good, yeah. My girlfriend is here. She's not cheating on me right now, so... Do you think she cheats on you? I don't, but she definitely could. I think we all agree on that, yeah. I mean, again, for those of you that don't know, Hans' girlfriend is a couple levels better looking than him.

Where is she right now? She's hopefully in the back, not having sex. Wow, she's that sexually active that you think that there's a slight chance that she could be? No, I just think she's very attractive. I think she's very beautiful, and I don't see how other people don't want to stick their dick in her. That makes sense. Very honest answer.

Very honest answer, Hans. Anything else crazy up in this week we should know about? Uh, I slept a lot. Your eyes still look so tired. That's not good. You look exhausted. Hans, do you know what he said? Yeah, I understand that.

Jesus, shades of Joe Rogan over here. The old Mike dropper, Joey Hinchclamp. We need a Joe Rogan pillow. Oh my goodness, look at you. Just crushing and moving on. This is where I get it from folks. Okay, Hans, another fun week. Way to get the show started. We love you.

Thank you, Tony. There he goes. Hans Kim. Talking about tax season and road rage. I already pulled the next comedian, but the comedian out of this comedian is going to be Chad Mitchell Rogers. But right now we're going with Michael Ridley, everybody. Door guy here at the mothership.

Been on this show. Here he is. Fine, Hans. Hold these, baby. Yeah. So, um, I just got booked for my first movie, guys. Give it up for that. Oh yeah, I'm Filipino. It features an all-Filipino cast. Give it up for that as well.

Yeah, it's titled Crazy Poor Asians. Just my family arguing after a funeral for two hours straight. Yeah. So, um, I don't know if you guys know this, but I definitely look like Wayne's World if they casted it with Asian people. Except it's called Wayne's World. It's just me and Garth, a Japanese guy with long blonde hair.

And I look over, what do you think about that, Garth? He's like, oh, Garth, oh. You can only say his first name, he's a fucking Pokemon. White people, make some noise. I need to get something off my chest, you guys. I need to apologize to you. It was me, guys. I was the person who sold Mac Miller that last bag of Coke.

It was for Hunter Biden. I mixed the bags up, I mixed them up. I'm sorry, guys, me Chinese. Me play joke. Me accidentally put fentanyl on Mac Miller's Coke. Thank you. Michael Ridley coming in, very compelling. What's up, Tony? How are you doing?

How are you, my friend? I'm good, man. I'm living my motherfucking life. Very fun set. You've been on the show a few times before. You seem like you're more confident and stronger than ever. You feel that way? Yeah, dude, Austin has totally evolved me into what I am now. Like, I'm just getting better and better. I'm so grateful for this fucking place, dude.

It is quite the energy happening here. Yeah. I've joined everybody. You've been on a few times with the shortest version of your story. You're from where? I'm from fucking Newport News, Virginia, y'all. It's... Virginia? Yeah.

I'm from Newport News, Virginia. What part of China is that in? Uh... The black part. Really? Yeah, it's a rough... They call it bad news. Oh. It's rough. Wow.

Incredible. So what was growing up there like for you? In 2013, I got charged with 17 grams of weed. And I went to jail. For how long? 26 days. What was that like? What were some of the highlights and lowlights? What really surprised you about going to jail? I was the only Asian person in jail.

What? You were the only Asian in Virginia prison? What the fuck are we talking about? I knew I was the only person in jail because as soon as I walked in, somebody was like, damn, I ain't never seen no Chinese man in Newport News City jail before. See? So I kind of... That's what I was saying. Yeah, there was no gangs to join. I was just a man on my own, you know what I mean? Did anybody try to claim you?

Did anybody try to claim you or are you like the kid that didn't get picked on a team? So they fucked with me because they were like, hey, yo, go talk to Asian. He's good with them words. He'll write a letter for you for the judge. I was writing... I was trading handwritten letters to the judge for, like, packs of ramen. That's amazing. Well, dude, nobody put money on books. All my friends are pieces of shit, so I was just in there.

Dude, they feed you at 5 p.m., that's dinner time, and then they starve you from 5 p.m. to 5 a.m. Like, it's like legal starvation. So how they beat that is, is prison industrial complex, they charge $8 for a bag of lays. You know what I mean? Like... Wow. Yeah, it's fucked. Jail was horrible. I'd imagine. I mean, you must have been thrilled when you found out that there was ramen there.

Yeah, I was hyped. I mean, you're just like, look, I mean, I'll suck your fucking dick right now for one of these... You got that fucking chicken? What? You got that chicken powder pack? Yeah. They got rid of the spicy ramen. Like, I like the spicy ramen, they got rid of it because somebody fucking took the powder.

I was like, why is there no spicy ramen in no way? Somebody put the powder in their hands and they fucking right in the CO's eye. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Like a trick. Yeah, it's like a trick with ramen dust, bro. Did you teach them that? That's like a trick from three ninjas. Yeah, it really is.

Who's the spicy Izo? Bigamon go down. They're saying they're making fucking blow darts and shit. What was worse, the expensive ramen or the gay male rape? Actually, neither of those. It was the homelessness that followed after because all my bills went into fall and nobody would... Nobody would bail me out. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, nobody would bail me out. So all my bills... Dude, I was in like... Dude, I had like a three credit score, like just three. I got out. Oh, my God. Dude, I fucking built my life from the ground up 10 years ago. Like, I had nothing, bro.

Hey, Red Band. Yeah. Ian. Hey, Red Band, can you play the sound of the world's smallest viarin? Oh, my God. Oh, he really does. He literally has it. That's crazy.

He literally... That's Red Band, by the way. Hitting. No, dude, it ain't no fucking sob story. It's an inspirational story because I started doing stand-up and I got my fucking life together and stand-up comedy literally saved my fucking life. Yeah. I absolutely love it.

That's fucking great. I absolutely love it, Michael. You're crushing it. You have a job here now, right? I help you. I help you and help out with the show. Oh. Oh, you work for Kill Tony?

Yeah. I help out. I do the list and all that stuff. I'm a busy man, folks. I kind of come in, do the sound check, read the ads. It's kind of like a machine. I try to treat everybody well. Anyway, you're a huge part of the team.

Really leaving an imprint. I literally thought you worked for the clock. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday at Vulcan. There you go. Let's go, baby. Michael Ridley, great appearance, great show, great time. We're going to keep it moving along. Dude, that is an awesome story.

Isn't it great? Yeah, that's really cool. You got to love it. We get people of all different shapes and sizes up here, and it is incredible. We have so much fun. Yeah. You didn't say that.

Were you asking if he really got raped in jail? Yeah. It was such a good story, and we just skipped right by that. I wanted to ask. Yeah, we did kind of... We were just like, loss over that. Yeah, I think when you move on, he answered homelessness. I think when you move on what was worse, the expensive ramen,

or the ass rapings, and someone says the homelessness that followed, I'm going to really guess he didn't get ass raped. I'm going to realize I put a lot of money on that bet. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is Chad Mitchell Rogers, everybody. Make some noise for Chad Mitchell Rogers. Your next comedian app, that's Genevieve, by the way. Oh, here he is.

One more time for Chad Mitchell Rogers, everyone. Comedy mother should make some noise, huh? By round of applause, how many of you guys like getting high and watching movies? Fuck yeah, dude. My favorite movie I've seen so far this year is Cocaine Bear, which, if you haven't seen it, is a horror movie about a bear that ate way too much cocaine and went on a killing rampage. I went and saw this thing, dude. It was crazy.

That was the first horror movie I've ever been to where the white people wouldn't stop talking. Like, it was nuts, dude. Everybody was taking a bathroom break like every 15 minutes. It was crazy. Rihanna's Pregnant by Asap Rocky. It's an interesting baby daddy. He's a little... He's a little special, dude. Like, if that baby ends up coming out looking as special as he is,

that family is going to have two Rih-Ris to celebrate. You guys know what I'm... You guys know what I'm talking about? Thank you guys so much. I've been Chad. Man, that was the longest minute in the show's history, Chad. I got to be honest with you. Yeah, that set was really Rocky Asap. Hi!

My mom loves the end. I love your mom. I love it. Magical, magical booking. I actually said to Tony, where's the kitty cat? She did. At 55 seconds, she goes, where's the damn kitty cat? She's a gangster. Youngstown, a whole 76 fucking years old.

So let's talk about it, Chad. You've been on this show before. I don't forget a fucking creep like you, dude. So remind me, what do you do for work? How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up two years. I'm a bartender. Right. And what's exciting about your life?

Give us something. You did the show one time before, right? Yeah. And you've thought about it. It's been, what, a couple months, few weeks, whatever. And so did you think of anything like, man, I wish I would have said that. That would have been entertaining. Like, that would have been a cool thing to say on a live podcast.

Yeah, I have something that's really interesting about me. I only have one testicle. Oh, wow. I mean, I watched you drop the ball with your set, but find out. Yeah. I mean, give a credit. It takes a lot of ball to get up here. It really does.

It really does. Some of those jokes, some of those jokes were fucking nut. I'd be interested to see what else you have in that sack of them. I mean, it is incredible. He gives off the vibe that he lost both of them, doesn't he? Yeah. Yeah, he only dresses like he did. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, tell us more.

Oh, my God. Improve it. Improve it. Let's fucking go. Yes. Holy shit. Oh, shit. She's starting to loosen up. Yes.

This is like Batman and Robin the Cradle. Fucking amazing. Except our weapons aren't only half loaded. One lost a nut. That's what I call come and go. You know what I'm saying? My goodness. Do you get flashbacks every New Year's Eve when the fucking...

So tell us, you lost a nut. Was this what's it called? Torsion? Or was it? Testicular cancer. I think it was like a horrific denim accident. Looks like. Yeah.

He really levied something on the counter zipper. You know what I mean? Fucking. I just was born without one. I don't know. I think God... Whoa. God did that.

Dude. That's fucked up, man. He's like, I shall make him a man well, I mean. Well, you look really disappointed right now. You've been against a guy born with one nut that you've been preparing for this your whole life. And you seem like you just found out that you have one nut on the show. You got a real look of sadness there. Well, I think it's because we kind of took away his other one.

We busted some ball here tonight. Yeah, we're just busting ball. I fucking love it. So you're born with one nut. Do you have to warn girls or something like that? Or boys or whatever you're into? Fucking robots or whatever you're fucking? It's interesting.

I've never actually had a girl like bring it up to me, but it's so funny when they're like giving me head because they ended up giving me head. Because they end up just giving me a whole wash down there because they're trying to find the other one. It's like, they just end up goo. Wow. What a freak.

Freak. Fucking weird. Wow. You play any sports? Not anymore. I played a little football in high school. Right, right, right. Yeah, I got a mini fucking cup.

Oh my God. Wow. That's incredible. Now, I heard you can get an implant. Did you ever think about, you know, getting like a fake ball? Yeah, I thought about it, but I'm poor. Put a rock in there or something. What do you think your life would be like if God let you have

what he gave every man in the room? If you weren't born a mistake, what do you think your life would be like? Guy with one nut. You're like, you know. My girlfriend loves it, dude. She fucking, she loves it. I've only got one nut. She plays with it, dude.

She flicks it around. It's great. All right. Does she have any God awful deformities as well? She's six inches taller than me. Whoa. Damn. I don't even know what to do.

Nice. Six inches tall. How many more balls does she have than you? And she's halfway to how many balls you have. All right. So what else? What's the most fun thing you've done since the last time we saw you? Oh, God.

You know, I've had a really interesting job bartending. I was bartending a lot of private parties in Los Angeles. A lot of fireball? It's probably Bud Light. You're a fired ball. It's probably Bud Light. Bud Light is the official drink of men born with one ball. Dude, even the sponsor got a fucking second nut.

Like, are you kidding me? Right. Dylan Mulvaney got two nuts, and I only got one. What the fuck, dude? Yeah. You're like a sad squirrel. Just one cheek. I'm killing it with my mother.

All right, man. You already have a small joke book, right? No, not a small one. You got a big one last time? I did. Well, my friend, congratulations. There's always a first time. Collect the whole set.

There he goes. Chad Mitchell Rogers. Ladies and gentlemen, pulled her out already. I do believe she was on last week. Employee here at the club. Make some noise for Genevieve, everybody. Genevieve, the return of Genevieve. What up, dawg?

Make some noise for me, because I work for motherfucking Joe Rogan and his bitch. Hell, yeah, man. I'm getting to know him, too. We got so much in common. You know, I asked him his favorite color. He said, nigger. I was like, it's Negro, Joe.

Work on your Spanish. It's kind of hard being high all the time. I was praying with my family the other day. It was my turn to pray. I'm like, Lord, thank you for this food. Oh, shit, we not eating. I was so high with a friend one day. He gonna ask me.

He was like, hey, how come birds fly, but flies don't bird? I was like, why am I not as high as you? Passing shit. And then I realized I was looking in the mirror and I wasn't. I've been Genevieve. Thank you so much. Genevieve.

Genevieve, Genevieve, Genevieve. Been watching her for years since we moved the show to Austin, Texas. Watched her at the first venue that we used to perform to kill Tony at in Austin. It unfortunately burnt down in a mass of fire. And then we went to Vulcan. She was on. She got a job at Vulcan.

We moved to the mothership. She got a job at the mothership. You just got pulled out of the bucket two weeks in a row. The odds of that are fucking literally, what, 1 in 400 or something like that? Something wacky. Incredible. How's life going?

Fucking amazing. Happy to be here. Happy to be here with y'all. Hell yeah. You're killing it. Absolutely killing it all the time. There's multiple rooms at this super club and I'll be walking around going from one thing to the next.

I'll see you on stage doing great. You were on the show last week. Is there anything that we haven't covered during these interview portions about your life or anything that we should know about? Let me see. I was really trying to not do this, but I would like to try to play all the song. What?

Yeah. What kind of song? What do you, what do you play? A little jam with Michael. Maybe I don't know. Let's see what happens. You play. What do you, what do you want to do?

Take a little piano maybe. You play piano? Just a little. John Dees will always have it. He doesn't love sharing his instruments. I mean, this is one of your own, John. So it's a real good chance to, it's a real good chance to support your people.

Yeah. Let's go, Genevieve. Putting yourself in the hot seat here. Austin is the comedy and music capital of the world. We're moving some stuff around. You pick the one spot next to D-Madness. So it's a little bit tricky. This is a, uh...

Now, do you know you're not looking at anything? Oh, shit. Put that mic down, you baddie bitch. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mom. Mom, that was not nice. That's all right.

Mom, you can't reach your hand out to shake his fucking hand. Yeah. Oh, my God. You can't, you can't make fun of him. She goes, you know I love you. You can't make fun of him for being blind and then taunt him. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

The night ain't over yet. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. I'm gonna have a new fucking mixed blind little brother. I can already see it. Joy Madness over here. We got the best band in the world, Genevieve, sliding into position here.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Thank you. Oh, look who's back. A hero comes along. Another beautiful, beautiful black woman. John Dees, everybody. You son of a bitch.

Genevieve, you're a rock star. You were on last week. You killed again tonight. I love it. You're a star. We'll see you soon. Genevieve, everybody. There she goes.

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Freezepipe.com code Tony. Hey, y'all. Have you recently looked back and thought I wasn't getting high enough? I know I haven't because I still get my stuff from California and Oklahoma. But if you're out there smoking joints, putting flour in your bowl and doing everything that you should be and not getting

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Once more, that's yodelta.com promo code Tony for 25% off all your Delta 8. Yodelta.com promo code Tony. This is one of those moments where I'm going to bring up one of the regulars on the show. Tim Warner is going to be after him. But you guys are in for a treat. This guy back from the road.

He actually hasn't been here for a couple of weeks in a row. He's been getting stuck in fucking Florida and all around because he's touring everywhere, selling out Phoenix, Florida, everywhere. Make some noise for him. Brilliant joke writer, brilliant roaster, kill Tony Strong, David Lucas, everybody. Here he is, folks.

Yeah. I want to get married one day, but women, y'all just lack accountability. Sorry. Like women will cheat on me and then find some type of way to blame the man. You know what I'm saying? They're like, I cheated on you because you're never home.

Bitch, I work 18 hours a day so you can make these stupid ass muffins, bitch. And you cheated on me with an unemployed motherfucker. Ain't that a bitch? Like seriously, like imagine being 38 and blaming your irrational behavior on a zodiac sign. I wasn't a bitch because Mercury's in retrograde. Like girls would literally not date you because your zodiac

sign don't align with their zodiac sign. Like I can't date Scorpio. The last Scorpio I dated beat my ass. They're like, no, I really can't date you because you're a Capricorn. It's like, bitch, I can't date you because my titties bigger than yours. But who said anything about that, bitch?

All right, thank y'all. The one, the only, the man, the myth, the true heavyweight king of Kill Tony. Tony, your boyfriend must have flew you to Turks and Caicos, nigga. You red as a motherfucker. You look like you flew in from Turkey and Coco. Look at this nigga, boy.

Your ass got a Yellowstone shirt on, nigga. I know you ain't got no brand. You fucking sissy ass, bitch. What the fuck? You got a Yellowstone shirt on, nigga. Like you work at the White Ridge. You're wearing the camouflage. I'm not as fat as I looked.

Jacket tonight. Trying to blend in with the bricks behind you. I fucking love it. Tony, you red pants though. Look at those so that fucking people can see those ice cream cones coming at him. Look at those things. How do you keep balance, Tony?

How do you and I have the same ankles? Tony, you look like you drive limos for gay niggas. Niggas stretchin'. I don't know if I got that black shirt on trying to hide his femininity, nigga. Yep. My limos are more stretched than your skin. Miss Hitchcliff, how you feel having a sassy ass daughter?

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. I really love her. Ain't it that nigga steal your clothes? Ain't it Tony steal your clothes in middle school? All the time. Call that nigga going to prom and some high heels, bitch. Oh my God.

She went outside and caught you laying in the backseat of her car, nigga. I don't even know what that means, but it's cool. That means you was getting fucked. Oh. That's what that means. I love it. I love it.

David, great set tonight talking about horoscopes and women and shit. What is your actual? Capricorn. Oh, Capricorn bread. Tony, you practice dildology. Dildology. This is what it's come to.

Half a decade of making fun of each other for 20 minutes every week. We finally got to dildology. Y'all like that with dildology. Oh my goodness. I've never seen fatter skinny jeans in my life. That is in your face. Look like that napkin.

Nigga, you read a shit. What do you have in your pocket? What are you? You must have fell asleep in the George Foreman grill. I do hot yoga before the show. Not all of us get to sweat on stage like a fucking dying monster. What's your favorite position?

Downward dog? Yeah. Yeah, it is. What's yours? Downward facing hot dog? Getting that flexibility up. Tony be like, I can put my leg behind my neck. How dare you?

You don't even bend down to tie your shoes, nigga. You just... You could take a page out of my book, by the way. I ain't trying to be flexible, nigga. I'm a man. My knee should hurt. Boy, you over there talking about back posture and shit, nigga. Keep wiping the sweat off of your forehead.

Oh my goodness. My mom has some actual tissues. Look at this. Absolutely incredible. Be careful, mom. He gets everybody near and pregnant real quickly. I can't get her pregnant. Them eggs are scramble, nigga.

Oh, yeah. They are for sure. They are for sure. I have a... I have a 58-year-old sister. 58? Yeah. Yeah, I have a 58-year-old sister.

Why are people different, bro? My mama had me at 21, nigga. Yeah. My mama was... When I was in high school, my mama was getting her GED. And now you're getting your KFC. And tonight, you're going to get a BBC. Yeah.

Get off two weeks, nigga. I'm ready. I ain't called you gay in two weeks, nigga. I'm ready. I've been itching for it, gay Joe. You are the worst. You're so funny. You're so scared of what my response is.

You had to end it on you, didn't you? I'm back, everybody. Every time I'm about to... You don't even know it's been two weeks. You know I was about to come in over the top. No, let me hear it. What you got, bro? No, I can't now, because you fucking did that fucking stupid shit.

I'm sorry, man. Come on. I can't tell by your body, but you just don't know when enough is enough. You had to come back for seconds and thirds. I was going to end that two with an H-E-B joke that was going to fucking decimate. What you got to say, mama? We are never... We never have too much.

You sound like one of them ladies from fucking Django Unchained. We having white cake in the front room. We are never too much. We are at Hitchcliff Forms. Our niggas are never too much. And we would pay top dollar for someone like you, David. Babe, you got to have my... You're not my favorite anymore.

How's the road been? Everything been good? What else? Everything been good, man. Me and William, we murdered Phoenix, bro. I got fucking Portland coming up, fucking Addison Improv on May 24th, Houston Improv May 25th. Me and Will got some more road dates coming in the fall, bro.

We coming to Tempe Improv. We going to murder that bitch, bro. William is one of the best comedians if people don't know it, bro. Because he... I know. It's crazy. He went on stage with a synthesizer and got a standing ovation. What the...

I think I've been practicing for 10 years. It's more fucking to the synthesizer on stage. He's unbelievable. You guys... He's a murderer, man. I couldn't be more proud of the work that everybody that's part of this show is doing. Absolutely, man. You are a fucking prime example, unbelievable, fucking cold-blooded assassin.

Absolutely, man. You love you. David Lucas, everybody. There he goes. David Lucas. Where's that name... Where'd that name go that I pulled? Shit.

And guys, he smells really good. I didn't even hear that. She's just out here killing in between. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian, Tim Warner, everybody. And then we have a Golden Tigger winner and then Bobby Sandu after that Bobby Sandu two away. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Tim Warner, everybody. Wow.

This is dope, man. I am fucking six months clean today. This is amazing. Wow. Wow. Dude, I had to quit. You know what I mean? You're like, you ever think you were good at something and realized you're not?

You know, like, I had to quit. Like, a lot of people, when they go out getting fucked up, they do an Irish goodbye. I don't know if you're familiar with this, but it's like you're hanging out with your buddy Tommy. He just leaves. It's like, where'd Tommy go? He just left. What a dick.

I never did that when I got fucked up. I would do a Polish goodbye. And that's where you tell everybody around you to fuck off and then you stay. Fucking pass clothes. Sir, you got to get going. It's like, thank you. Dude, people try showing support and it's really weird how people show support. Like, I'll hear this a lot, where people will be like, hey, Tim, are you still sober?

And it's that word still that really fucking bothers me, you know, because if someone came out of the closet, you wouldn't go up to them six months later and be like, hey, you're still gay? I was going to order you some pussy, but if you're still doing that gay thing. All right, that's all my time. Hell yeah. Tim Warner. I love it.

How are you guys? Incredible. Amazing. Welcome back. You've been on the show many times before. When you were much like we were just talking about the great William Montgomery. And so many other great comedians seem to at some point in their lives have been completely, truly fucked up and in a great many ways at one point in their lives unbearable.

You were kind of like that, right? Wow, that's kind of a compliment being kind of unbearable. Right. I was awful. Yeah. William was super unbearable. I was trying to be nice, but it kind of made me look like a dick there. No, I'm kidding.

But now everything is going great for you, right? What's shaking? Oh, you look fantastic. You literally look seven years younger than you did. Thank you. Three years ago. Thank you for saying that too. Thank you.

That's a weird thing that these sober people can do. They go full fucking Benjamin buttons over here. Yeah, I'm trying to make up for all the fucking time I lost being a mess. Yeah, you guys can't imagine what a piece of shitty looked like just a few years ago. What do you think about this guy, Ian? I've known Tim for years. I knew Tim back in New York and I can vouch he was insufferable. No, it's so cool to see you doing well, man.

It's really awesome, man. I saw you earlier today and we talked and you know, you have a glow about you. It's really beautiful to see, man. It's cool. Thank you, dude. It's fucking. It's been fucking years. Yeah.

Yeah. So great to see you. Yeah. You used to do a lot of pinball and shit at the creek. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Good times. Cigarettes and pinball.

All right. I guess you guys can catch up about this later. I liked your jokes, man. I think the setup on the Irish goodbye thing was a little long. I think everybody knows what an Irish show you guys all know what an Irish goodbye was before you explained it, right? You know, I think shortening those setups and fucking smashing a little, you know, more directly.

How long you been doing this now? Oh, dude, 13 years now. I love it. We're on 13. I love it. Yeah. Incredible. I've been a paid regular at the comedy store for about the same length of time and Tony,

he's going to drink again. No, no, no. No, no, no. All I'm saying is that I got a better story. So it's like, I love it. I love who I am, dude. I love the path I've taken. I love it.

No, I love it. Absolutely. All I'm saying is you could trim some of these setups. You know what I mean? It's a fucking, you know, you can just shorten your distance because you already have it. I was waiting to find out if Tommy from the Irish goodbye, oh, Tommy, Tommy, and there was nothing to it. You know what I mean?

You put Tommy in. There's like all this extra information while it was hilarious and stuff. How's your normal life been going? What are you doing for fun? How are you feeling the sweet, sweet void of alcohol and drugs not being a part of your life? Dude, it's where my idea of fun is so much different now. Dude, I just like, I read books, I focus on myself in like comedy in a sense, and I just

do my best to give service, dude. I love it. Yeah. An acronym that I had for focus is like for our consciousness, understanding, and sanity. And that's completely why I focus now. And I just fucking, I'm blessed, dude. I'm standing here fucking blessed right now. God damn.

You know? It's incredible. If I knew it was like this, I would have done it fucking years ago. Wow. You know? You love sobriety. Oh, I, I love attempting to be the best version of myself. Yeah.

I agree with that. Yeah. I agree with that. I, I, I feel the exact same way. I just do it with a few shots of tequila and whiskey. No, I'm kidding. Give us something else. Do you have a love life?

No, not at all. Not at all. Not at all. I'm like, dude, how can I have a love life when I never even loved myself? I'm like, you got to love yourself in order to share love. You know what I mean? Like I always just took from people and now I just want to give and it's, it's a weird adjustment for me, but you know, I'll, I'll get there at some point, you know, my higher

power will draft a woman when I'm ready and you know, it's all that matters, dude. Like I said, I'm learning, I'm learning how to love whatever this is and fucking forgive myself for my past and like, you know, I'm on step nine making amends with people, which has been fucking brutal. Holy Christ. There are some people that just want me dead no matter what version I have. Holy Jesus. But overall it's been great, but like now that I'm learning how I love myself, dude,

my heart is now open for someone special to come in, you know, at some point. Wow. You know? It's incredible. It's like, I'm never going to, yeah, I know. Live, laugh, love. Get out of here. I saw you got your car fixed though, so there's, you've been having a good month.

Yeah, man. Yeah, it's amazing. What kind of car do you have? Is it a Focus? Four-R, a Pontus, and other selling systems. It's a Kia. Keep it awesome. Fuck.

No, I feel like I have to have an acronym for golf. No you don't. Okay. Yeah, I got a Volkswagen Golf. Oh, all right. Fucking brand new God only loving family. Beautiful. Oh, wait, no, it's with you.

I was thinking of the sport for a second. All right. I love it. Fantastic red band. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you want to. You got it. There goes Tim Warner. Everybody.

Thank you, Tim. Bobby Sand, who is on deck, but I have a special treat for you guys, a golden ticket winner out of San Francisco, California. She was one of the original golden ticket winners. She's batshit crazy, but somehow has the ability to completely destroy often. I'm always actually quite surprised, but she does it time and time again. It's been a while since she's been on the show, Austin, give her a big welcome. And Cole Trayin, everybody, and back driving on Highway 183.

I thought somebody lost a Gucci handbag. I put it over. Turn out it's an Amadillo that did not make it. I saw many funny names for a taco truck in Austin, man. I saw a taco truck that says little sombero. The other one say expositor burrito. There's a brand new one called We Cross Borders last Tuesday. I'm staying at Motel 6, man.

Back in the days, they call it Motel 6 because it costs only $6 to rent. Now they call it Motel 6 because there are always six weirdos hanging out in the hallway. They don't call it Shoe Repair Shops in Austin. They call it Shoe's Hospital. I'm sure they serve a lot of soul. My cousin Bing Bing said, hi to you, Tony. Okay. Is that the end of your set?

I didn't know you were done there. Now my cousin Bing Bing is dating a single deaf with 14 children. I say, wow, what part of Mexico does he come from? Tony, my cousin Bing Bing chicken neck scape and start living at a park with a duck. Now her chicken has developed a quack problem. A quack problem? Yeah, my cousin Bing Bing should have been charged with a Mr. Miner. The longer she goes without a Mr, the Miner she gets.

Oh my goodness. You can't even stop her. She's an unstoppable force. Nicole Tran, welcome back to the show. Yes, what's up, bro? You are always so cool and unbelievable force. We found you, what, four or five years ago up in San Fran. We said you can perform on the show anytime you want and every chance that we've given

you, you've taken the ball and run with it. It's incredible. That's cool. Cool. Your mother here with you. I'm honored to meet her and I recently just moved from Bay Area to Hollywood and I live in Korea Town and in my neighborhood there's a dog that barks all night long. Boy, in Korea Town, that dog's really asking for it.

Oh my goodness. Hey Tony, I have a new neighbor in Korea Town, his name, I call him Tony Montana. He loves doughnut, so there's always little sugar powder under his nose. That was pretty stupid, but I love it. With your little giggle, you can say anything and the whole room moves. That's for a fun show. I like it show. That's why I came back on the type to make you laugh.

The show loves you, Nicole. You're perfectly built for it. I am so glad. Wild Batty. Yeah. How are you? I'm fine. I'm fine.

How are you? I'm fine. Are you at the same situation again? Being in meets, man. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. But now I live in Korea Town, man. That's the only neighborhood where you see an Uber driver on a scooter.

This one was a genius. Unbelievable, I know, I know. It's crazy. Hey man, I brought from Hollywood with me a couple cute t-shirt for Bing Bing and I love for you to support me so I can have somebody to fly back. All the way. I got different color blue and you buy Bing Bing. I guarantee you you may get bang.

Whoa. Bing Bing and bang bang. You do free dry cleaning for these shirts too? You buy Bing Bing t-shirt. Blue and white guys will be chasing you. Wow. Can I have both of them? For girls.

Sexy girls. Blue and white guys buy for them. She's like a doll that you pull her string and she's just like, I love your t-shirt, bro. Angel. I love your dress. Yeah. Tattoo.

This is $10 dress, bro, and $75 Spang. It's so wet. Unbelievable. How can you get a class figure at middle age, no way, $5 shoes, bro, West Hollywood. Bobby Lee, you are so funny. Every time I've seen you, ever since I started stand up at the comedy store, 16 years ago. I have a song for you. You have a song?

Yeah. Oh, shit. Someone tried this earlier, but I've seen Nicole Tran shoot her shot in the music game. I'm very excited to see what you got for us here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, you want to set up the band or anything? No. Just go singing. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony, Golden Ticket Royalty.

Ladies in Austin, Texas for first set ever at the mothership. This is Nicole Tran. I'm a yellow girl in Texas. I just fly in tonight. I met a blue-eyed cowboy. I might decide to stay. My green kite expired. I need to fire men.

The only way that I'm happy is Tony takes my hand. Wow. I think you should do it, Tony. I think you should do it. Wow. Incredible. Nicole, you're not the type of trans that I'm into, you know what I'm saying? Just joke, bro.

How about that? You, you're not my type. You do short. Oh, how, I'm sitting down right now. I'm sitting down. How dare you? I love it, Nicole. You're an absolute superstar.

We fucking love you. The offer still stands anytime you ever want. You live up in, what is it, Sacramento? In North Hollywood, they call it North Hollywood, no hole. I driven there late that night. I see plenty of holes. You son of a bitch. You little assassin.

Instagram follower, if you can follow me, I'd really appreciate it. What is it? Nikon Tran comedy, N-I-C-O-L-E-T-R-A-N comedy and no space. I think people would have spelled it better if you didn't spell it. I think everybody would have found it. N-I-D-O-R-A-R-A-R-A-R-A-R-A-R-A What the fuck was that? Okay, sometimes people cannot understand my name over the phone. My name is Tran.

Spell it for me, please. Sure, you're just like, you're just like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like Nessie. It's a lot of anagrams in this episode tonight. Pretty heavy. Nicole. I'm gonna ask you something I don't think I've ever asked you before before I let you go I'm curious to know can you sound like a can you do an impression of a white woman?

Because like your accent is so thick. It's such a part of your character. I wonder what white people sound like to you. Oh My god Oh That is the most Asian-sounding white woman I've ever heard my life So if they follow you on Instagram they can buy the Bing Bing merch, yeah Okay, you know I'm gonna be out there and if any of you need the shirt I I put I'll carry me a big suitcase man. Oh, you brought shirts with you. Yeah, you can find that you're gonna be in the lobby That's not a medium large X large different color blue green purple red. Help me man. So I can buy my tickets

Back to the know-how otherwise a stick with a blue. Why why guys cow boy? You are wild these Vietnamese just don't quit. She'll be slinging t-shirts in the lobby Bobby come on make some noise for Nicole Tran everybody We're rolling right through it All right, the comedian after this one is going to be Air Jordan frescoes That's a fun name, but right now I pre-picked so that we could get him out of the alleyway Your next comedian goes by the name of Bobby Sandhu everybody Bobby Sandhu Here we go Bobby

Here he is Bobby Sandhu everybody Come on all these guys wait all night for this make some noise for everybody equal opportunity Bobby Sandhu My my parents are Indian I'm also an Indian. I couldn't get out of that one. You know I'm saying they got me they got me early Part of being Indian you get you get special abilities and shit. Yeah One of them is you can't swim Don't ask me why you know, I'm I have some theories, but I'm not very well educated my parents They wanted me to be they wanted me to study get a B. A. M. A. But I got into MDMA

And saying that I do have a theory, you know, I I reckon the darker you are the more pigment in the in your skin the less buoyant Again, that's just anecdotal, you know I'm saying we haven't hasn't been too many studies on that shit But back where I'm from in Australia we got we got this show Bondi rescue, you know And I go on about this bondi rescue thing. None of your cunts have heard it So it doesn't matter, but the ones the people drowning on that show are always Indians The other day There it is the rare

Appearance of the West Hollywood bearer at a minute and 17 seconds. Hello, Bobby. How are you? That was your set? Hello good to be here Okay How long you've been doing stand-up comedy about four years, but we had a long lockdown so hard to say and Remind me that that accent is Australian, right, but you're what? Indian Indian. Okay. All right, you TSA pre They told me it wasn't available

Welcome to another episode of I fucking bet they did Oh, yeah, absolutely. They would look real dumb giving that to you. You look suspicious as shit You do jiu-jitsu your ears all cauliflowered up. You're wearing a jiu-jitsu hoodie. You're a jiu-jitsu guy, right? Yeah Yeah, let me guess brown belt I didn't it took me a second. Yeah, if I remember you're a bodyguard like at nightclubs and stuff like that You beat people up. They're done a bit of that. Yeah, right. You enjoy that not here not because I'm not allowed to work So I'm not working in Australia. I don't know America, right, right? You're not allowed to work in America I'm on a tourist visa. So I just have to do tourist things Wow

But I bet you like making money when it appears in front of you. Well, you know, I got a little fanny pack of fun stuff, you know Okay Funeral spirit, you know, what kind of what kind of dynamite do you keep in your fanny pack? Just you know, Maloo Australia nothing to see here. It's straight away. Just call C4 Can you point me to where the marathon is Oh, I see you're building a nice tall building in town here Do you want the digery do over there? You sweet sweet Australian sound the digery do the world's worst instrument

There you go. Red Bandit Red Bandit's got a real one Okay, Bobby. So how long you been in America the greatest country on planet Earth? This is my my third trip. This is a six-month trip. It came in February. So I'm about halfway there. Yeah, okay halfway there Yeah So what are you doing? What are you doing touristy? What are you doing for fun? All I care about is Jesus? I'm trying to be as good at you. Okay. Where are you out? Are you at Eddie Bravos or Gordon Ryan's or what's going on? Gordon try Gordon Ryan's main nemesis team B team, which is split. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm not supposed to be hanging out with you

Yeah, I don't think I'm supposed to be hooked up Nikki Ryan with some tickets here tonight Um, that was David Lucas. He did his fishing show. I'm Gordon Ryan all the way Yeah, no, it's that's my homie. Fair enough. Yeah, you're starting shit You want to fucking do this? Kidding don't please don't kill me you better you better Bobby sand don't stall chip with me Yeah, do you find it strange that you are the skin tone that you are in the word sand is literally in your last name I gotta I gotta try to think of a joke of that, but right. I don't like that's like an Italian guy being named like Tony Posteroni

Like it's like so on the nose Like Bobby no airplanes for this guy. That's your last name. That's crazy Incredible you ever find yourself seeing a rock on the street and by instinct wanting to throw it at something Like a like a member of the police I'm kidding. What's your love life like Bobby? You seem like you have three testicles We had a guy up here with one ball. You would have fucking choked him out in a second, dude You would have found it completely unacceptable. What's your love life like you seem like a tall good-looking dude, right? Not not really much happening, but I am looking for a green card. So, you know

I mean these girls they must love your accent, right? I should get out of the gym more and yeah, you would be slain puss, dude What are you doing? I had imagined there's a lot of pubic hair down there Literally cock-blocking him probably if you're if your erection isn't longer than your pubic hair then do you even have a dick? You know what I mean and I picture I can't even imagine what's going on down there that chia pet is just out of control You have fucking Australian fucking fertilizer down there. You know what I'm saying? Get a shave your pubes and quit worrying about the brown belt and get that pink belt brother know what I mean? I hear you. I hear you

All right, Bobby fun fun times. What'd you talk about up here? What how do you feel like that went? Uh, yeah, all right, you know, you've been doing a lot of stand-up of late. Not so much. Yeah Any other crazy fun facts about your life that we'd be surprised to know about you? I borrowed a car for a month and then I was doing a lot more stuff. Now I don't have a car Yeah Someone side swiped and took the mirror off and Yeah, yeah, damn. Oh, that's but I just gave the bloke 40 bucks. He was pretty happy about the whole thing

You know, oh you caused the accident Well, no, but I had to deal with the consequences to get the thing fixed and all that but when I went to return it to the guy He was an Arab fellow. I just gave him 40 he wanted 50 bucks. I gave him 40 so This is really cheap Like that is what I want to travel budget. You know what I'm saying? Well, it must have been like an immigrant stand-off Yeah What ethnicity was the guy that you borrowed the car from I made sure I only had 40 bucks on me too just in case

Right case. He asked for money. He said he couldn't make it seem reasonable that it is He showed me a amazon thing. It was 50 bucks. I was like, look, I'm not interested in I don't love to see that just two flying carpets hitting Unbelievable Bobby you got a little joke book last time you were on right? So you already have one. There he goes. Bobby sandu Actually, you know what? I'm gonna upgrade you. We have these we have one medium joke book I'm gonna I'm gonna upgrade you one level. There he goes. Bobby sandu with the new medium joke book

Yeah, let's see what happens here Cameron Ileg will be on deck and your next comedian. I'm excited. This is a good name I I know for a fact this person's never been on this show before Make some noise for the kill tony debut of air jordan frescoes everybody Here she is air jordan frescoes What's up mother fathers I'm a left-handed redheaded stepchild with a boy name that's spilt wrong And uh, I was blessed. I was raised by born again christians. We went to my uncle bob's church

We called him bobby god And I We're the bob At the end of prayer in our little christian church and spoke in washington this guy would say In jesus name And he'd get the laugh every single time dude But that's literally how I knew that religion was a bunch of bullshit because my family is a bunch of clowns you know

Me and Ian have the same birthday me and Ian Literally, we're born on the same day, bro You're not left-handed though, right? Okie dokie uh air jordan frescoes Holy shit. Welcome to the show. I don't know where to even begin with you You look like a genie that came out of a can of mountain dew Holy shit, I didn't realize the bride of chuckie had a meth addiction. This is incredible You look like you were raised on episodes of jerry springer. This is amazing to have you here

Just married with children in the simpsons. I love on our tv on our kitchen table And we didn't have a tv in the kitchen. We had one on the table and we'd watch the simpsons or mba. Wow, and you Think closely related to the simpsons because you were also born next to a nuclear plant. Am I correct? I'm from washington. That's where mac learnings from you. Absolutely. Yeah, I imagine so how long you've been on stand-up like four times Four times. I wanted I wanted to have killtony to flower me, but I did a couple open mics Right, right. Yep. Not much flowering to be had here at all Air jordan fresco. So what do you do for work? What exact gas station do you work at? I uh

I work at an animal clinic an animal clinic. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. Is it for the free medical care? Yeah, exactly Just jump in one of the cages There's a there's a I bet you can guess what breed of dogs I have You I you think I can yeah, uh, let me guess sad Sad and hungry dogs is what I'm guessing uh I hope you have kibbles because you don't have bits. I know that Oh a good old dog stand-up comedy joke. You don't see those often

Yeah, that's that that was rough Yeah, absolutely. We're gonna keep you on a short leash. You know what I mean? Yeah Air jordan frescos. So how is that your name? Is that just a stage name? Yeah, right? I don't wear jordans. That's so heck right now. You look like you're more of an air janitor I think Yeah Is this gail No, no, this is tony's mom. Oh, this is joy. Hi tony's. Joy hingeclips. She's 76 and somehow looks 30 years younger than you

Look at you. Awesome. I never had a hinge clip step on one of my jokes before but I guess I'll let it slide No, you're no, you're what were you gonna say come on. Oh very good Yeah, here you go. You got to use that microphone mom. It's a critical Yeah, but You got it. You're got your cold-blooded killer. I love it air jordan frescos. I have I have a thousand more questions for you This is incredible. I'm the most interesting person in that fucking alley, dude. Okay. It's all a bunch of boring whites I love it. I didn't realize the undertaker went trans. This is very exciting This is unbelievable. So, uh, you work at an animal clinic. All right

We got that but tell us what does someone like you do to enjoy yourself? You go to like a local dive bar What's going on? I don't drink even though my birthday is New Year's Eve. I don't drink at all Uh, I like to go to dog parks and metal shows Metal shows. Okay. All right. Yeah, my dog's played fetch with maryl manson Or rather, he played fetch with her now that you mentioned ice kind of see she's like a big jamey ochre center Yeah, no, we're called from the same cough for sure like I'm a court. Yeah, you're cut from the same leather jacket. Yeah My nickname in high school the skateboarders called me death Oh, wow. Wow

Named That was my nickname. Ask me how many milligrams of antidepressant come on Oh my god That was unbelievably hilarious I don't know if you were trying to get funny I thought you were gonna ask me right away, but I okay. I I will that's a good setup How how much antidepressants are you on? I'm on the highest dosage of effects so that you can be on after take two different pill milligrams

And so every time yeah to equal two hundred and twenty five So every time I'm at the pharmacy, they're like you have two of the same medicine You don't act like it at all. Just you know, you seem completely normal. Thanks. I've been smoking weed in the alley Weed is the only way killtoni and weed and my dogs are the only thing got me through the pandemic My husband used the self-checkout with his dad's gone. Are you serious? Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, okay. That's the most interesting thing about you The most the most interesting thing about me probably is that my aunt died of flesh eating bacteria You're what my aunt died of flesh eating bacteria in 1999

Of flushing flesh eating bacteria flesh eating bacteria only like a few people a year dive that in the u.s Is she a frog? No, she was a big fat obese person Okay, she a great big front lady All right, we're gonna take a step back here. Believe it or not ladies Oh my god, step back from that legend. Hold on. Relax. Relax Air jordan fresco is just all right focused right now relax a little bit. You ready? We're gonna talk about something So let's talk about what happened with your husband. I have to know more details So like is that is that where you guys together? Were you in the house? What's in the trailer? What's going on?

It sucks when someone shoots themselves in the same trailer is you think a house or a city or you know He was staying at his dad's house because he was getting clean from opiates. He was clean for like four months he was on opiates for like 20 years right and uh He was staying at his dad's because that's the easiest way he can figure to be like away from stuff And uh, yeah, his dad had his guns unlocked in the house And these are like old school white dudes that know nothing about going to the hospital Right, and I worked in a site. I've worked in a site work for years. Right. So yeah, it's sure you did You were working

Yeah, yeah Juicy for you. My mom loves to say that I got a family discount. I'm like that's on you lady. I'm not Appropriating yeah, that must have been so so were you like living with your husband when it happened? Yeah, we had an apartment but he was staying at his dad's house We have two dogs. So I'd like make him meet us at the park like every day if I could and uh, yeah four months and then uh He he was brilliant. Uh, and he Couldn't think the way that he wanted to like he couldn't get his brain to work again like he wanted to

Is this before or after he shot himself? I'm kidding. I'm joking. Oh Oh Go write a blog you homos. Oh Oh, I thought this was a comedy show. Oh No, it's fuck you Fuck you. She's having fun She got up here. She bit the bullet tonight just like her husband. He would have been proud

He would be proud. Look at this. These people are so scared Because how could he do this? She said she's on antidepressants. How could he do this? You guys need to fucking relax Yeah, I love this. I don't have a gun. I would shoot my head off for sure Huh, I would shoot my head off for sure if I had a gun. I can't have no no no We're not talking about that don't I mean jokes jokes jokes Wow jokes jokes. No one wants that. No one wants that. Um Uh, perhaps some people that heard your jokes might uh Very interesting. So when did that happen? When was that around? It was in january 2020

It was a week before kobi happened and then when kobi happened kobi came in and stole all the headlines. No, and then And then everyone else was devastated just like me and I was like, this is all right Who says lightning doesn't crash twice. That was the lightning was the name of kobi's helicopter I don't know if you guys need that Just one sad symbol on that all right Okay, so one week later kobi happens and and then the pandemic hell yeah and much like your husband He never missed a shot either

He legit put one he had one hollow point in a in a box of regular bullets He used one hollow point too smart. Wow, and he did it in a park so that no one so that no one had to like find Well, yeah, I mean that would have been so terrible to have to clean up that mess in your tent No, but he prepaid for like four months of our rent at our apartment like it's so fun. It's so fucked up It's so fucked up. Yeah That's wild and and he went he went to the park that he grew up like riding bikes on and that we took our dogs to all the time and I swear to god My dog pisses where he died at every time we would go back

Dude, it's fucking bizarre I want to know what that is It's crazy dude, it's crazy. Oh my god. It's nuts Yeah That's hilarious What kind of dog is it? I have two pitbull mixes two pitbull mixes Of course They always say it's not the dog. It's the owner of pitbulls

We're from rachel dole's all his neighborhood Like we're from we're from spokane and rachel dole's all his neighborhood for real. That's for real, right? Yeah Wow, and so when did you find kiltony? Was it after that? No, it was before I think like 2070 and I found you guys Yeah, he so he used to enjoy it too. Um, he he was so going down hill for like two years It was wild to see it was like watching a person with cancer. Oh Mentally, yeah, his own bipolar. Yeah, he also started to use a little bit of meth Oh, that'll do it like dude It fries your brain. Don't do anything

We uh, I know I know spokane washington's a little different You don't really have to tell people I'm not do meth down here. You know, it's kind of a different Uh, we have a different thing going on. You cannot come back from it. It's impossible. It is it's impossible It boils your shit. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely um some meth Methlehem suicides. I love this. Okay, travel. Unbelievable interview. I uh, this is amazing You know the set we were born on the same day. You didn't even tweet me back when I tweeted you about that

And I thought you were like a cool nerd Well, I'm just glad your husband took the only hollow point, so I'm safe Yeah, they're all bad. Air jordan frescas your set was uh Absolute trash, but your interview your energy your honesty your unbelievably fucking entertaining have a big joke book air Jordan frescas Pretty magical part of the show

When shit gets weird, that's when we fucking try to steer a ship right into the wind, baby You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next comedian cameron ilig everyone cameron ilig here we go How's it going I'm I'm new here. I I just moved here in december, you know, and I hadn't really met my neighbors yet So I thought I would go over. He just had a baby. So I went over there And I was like as like is it a boy or girl? Congratulations. And he said, you know, we haven't actually decided it's gender yet And I didn't know what that meant. Okay, and I just said hand it over. I'll figure it out. I don't

Feel like There's something a doctor should have done I feel like but uh, I can do it They named uh, they named their babyless gender arrow It's not a real name. It's not a real name. I just don't I hope when the native americans find out about this baby They don't have to change his name to the washington football team. I feel like That's gonna be a weird birthday, I don't know I don't know Uh, oh thank god. Okay

Cameron illeg this is your hill tony debut Fuck yeah, dude Welcome my friend very very very good set. How long you've been doing stand-up about a year Wow, it's such a short time. You have an incredible stage presence. Well written material greatly executed Where you've been doing this at? Uh hell's kitchen? idiot sandwich I started in uh Gainesville, Florida Okay, yeah, and they did Orlando and Jacksonville and Susan. Okay. Is that where you live?

Uh, I live here now. Nice. Yeah. How long good you move here? Uh in december. What do you love about austin, texas? It's a lot like florida. It's just more homeless people. I don't know Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, that might be a thing in some areas where you hang out there a lot A lot a great outside of here. Yes. Yeah, okay. I walk here and it's like $50 to get here. I got to give everybody money Yeah, I don't know if you know this you don't have to give everybody money. Uh, don't make eye contact. Yeah, you got got Yeah, $50 per walk Uh, what do you do for work? I work at um omni The barn creek as a golf cart attendant

Oh, sweet. Have you ever seen me there? One time. Oh, yeah, I'm there like two or three times a week. It's unbelievable I probably shouldn't be telling people where I am. Okie dokie. Anyway, I work at the Spleep that I work at the resort. So right, right. Very fun. Yeah, those people leave their teas on the tee boxes and I hate them They're all classless wonders Incredible, uh, it's a whole thing. It's country club talking. I mean fucking peasants would never understand Oh We're just hanging out with me and my friend Cameron today. Oh Cameron. Can you bring me another cart? My sweet sweet gay friend

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What's your love life like Cameron? You seem like a real fucking pussy hound. Am I correct? You seem like the kind of guy Florida I was doing great. Yeah, not so much here. Not so much. You're not out here flipping these lesbians straight. No Have you gone into a lesbian bar? Have you tried this? Have you just gone in there in a tank top? I bet you could fucking I look too feminine for them. I think perhaps They are into something a little bit more, but Tell us something interesting about you that we would be uh Shut up, dude, you fucking idiot. Look at me. Look at me. You're a stupid fucking idiot. Shut up. Don't say anything else Girls. Yeah, there they come that guy knows how to that guy knows how to kick

That guy knows how to kick Shut the fuck up Go to the creek in the cave and yell at people on stage Or sign up for the show you fucking coward But don't yell at him You're not part of this mom. Tell this guy to go fuck himself sign says No heckling you get it. All right. There you go. Tell them to tell them to go fuck himself Oh, yeah, I forgot to say go fuck yourself. There you go

Cameron I'm sorry. I feel the need I feel the need to protect you out here on the streets I don't want any fucking little pussies yelling at my sweet little fucking chocolate factory helper guy So where were we at most interesting thing about you? Uh in college. I was in a Jewish fraternity. Whoa They were scared of me I bet I bet that is incredible. How did you get in there and were you in charge of the furnaces? What what was the Jewish fraternity called have a

Heck along those lines beta beta beta Alpha Alchi all right, okay How'd you end up in an all Jewish fraternity? I just knew some people honestly. Wow That's incredible. I had a record of everybody That's what was different with the Jewish fraternity than the other fraternities. Did you notice it was just lame or What was the hazing you had to balance the checkbook? No, I had to get Yeah Yeah, if you think the Jews would give this boy the checkbook to balance I got news for you

I've seen better balancing on david lucas going down these stairs Which is uh, which is a hassle we had to get david one of those chairs that you sit in and it just takes you down It's incredible. No, I had to get circumcised Cameron what else what are you doing in austin for fun? For fun. Yeah, I was you fucking playing golf dude. Honestly. I just played golf there other than that What else there must be something nightlife or something like that. You seem like a real stiff I'm trying to figure out what uh, I'm a little stiff the wild side of Cameron Uh, not just going out in six feet. Really. That's all I that's all I do for fun. I mean

Really, that's it zilker. Have you ever asked anybody since you moved here in december if there's anything cool You should see or do that's in the city. I live with people that do yoga. Okay. He's like their idea of fun Again, that's all they're doing is yoga. That's that's their identity, but I know it is because all they do is like Oh, what do you want to do? They go to zilker and they walk on a zip a tightrope Oh, yeah Man, these are the people I'm dealing with. Wow. We got to get you out and about Cameron, uh, congratulations unbelievable set. I must say

Yeah, a lot of a lot of people do those gender jokes and they're such an eye roll now But you would like a fresh take. I thought that was very funny. I wasn't expecting that. That was great. Yeah Mom, what do you think about this sweet boy? What do you think? I think you're hot as Fuck it. What? Oh, shit. Joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy And she said five kids You could drive a golf cart into that pussy. I'm telling you dude. It's fucking ready She is ready For I shot a 76 the other day

It was a holy one, but it felt like 18 Holy shit Did I give you this yet? You got a big joke book. Unbelievable set. There he goes. Cameron Ailig everybody There's only one place to go from here ladies and gentlemen This guy coming off of more an entire week of sold out shows People talking about him in the middle of the episode the most sets in the history of the show The most momentum out of any character ever in the history of the show selling out everywhere

Opening for all the greats doing his own thing the Memphis Strangler the big red machine William Montgomery Tony first of us standing back there. Why are you talking about your mama like that, man? Biden had a press conference to announce he's running for reelection When asked at the press conference about the threat from china, biden responded I like strawberry ice cream better than vanilla SpaceX launched the largest rocket in history yesterday and it exploded two minutes into the flight with the explosion being described as a rapid Unscheduled disassembly weirdly enough back when I was drinking I do at a rapid unscheduled disassembly When I ran into a fucking group of people at a school

Have you ever watched forensic files and halfway through think to yourself wait, why do the people are why are they talking like that? Have we been in Australia this whole time? I I'm disappointed that nothing is being done to address the problem of women saying they identify as men And then dominating a men's sport sport god damn I'm sorry. I'm on a bunch of spice right now I I'm disappointed that nothing is being done to address the problem of women saying they identify as men and the dominating men's sports

Oh, right. That ain't ever gonna happen Okay, that's my time wow holy smokes The Big red machine the Memphis Strangler the vanilla gorilla the man the myth the legend the synthesizer Swinger Tony I'm honestly I am nervous up here right now. I don't think I've ever met your sweet mama

I think you did it was back in your drinking days and uh Uh, but I think oh, yeah, I remember red band was there got real hot up in that fucking hotel Oh, you son of a bitch How dare you? How dare you? I'm a scorpio. I might cut you up Whoa, what the fuck does that mean my mom's talking about witchcraft Tony do something about your mom, man Wait, what do something about your mom? What did she just say?

She just roasted you dude. You just got roasted some weird horoscope joke or something like that. I don't know No, no, no, I don't remember you're killing it mom. You're you're doing great Uh, so william, how did this week go for you an incredible set? What was the forensic vials joke supposed to be? So I was watching forensic vials the other night laying in a hotel bed and halfway through I'm paying more attention and I'm like, why are they talking like that? What is that accent? And I was like, oh, they must be in Australia This is an australian Forensic files and I just why did it sound australian because they were in australia. They were in australia Oh, and I just assumed they were in america like they normally always are when I'm watching forensic files

But this was a rare australian episode. So for that joke to work. We literally need to be sitting with you watching the episode Yeah, it was so funny when I thought of it to myself the other night. I was like, I have to just say this because I thought it was so Funny I was laughing to myself. I was like, you dumb it. How did you not realize they're in australia this whole time? There's beaches. There's sharks. Yeah Ian, it's nice to see you. Why couldn't I be on your podcast? My I want you to be on the podcast. My producers made a mistake They they fucking booked it and I went around them because I was horrified I was thinking it was just moon tower people because moon tower people and I they found out I was the person

Sending their offices. I was sending them these very cryptic ciphers Um, they know I'm fucking after them. I think so I was pretty fucking sure that's why I wasn't allowed On your podcast and yeah, if you work up in those offices, you're gonna keep on getting the ciphers Because I know for a fact you didn't want me on fucking Ian's podcast You piece of this shit. I'm not stupid What do the ciphers say with you if we were to decode them? What are the things they say? It's like word searches like you can circle like hot dog or Violin, but if you do the the letters in the word searches, that's what I'm calling the ciphers you have to

You can figure out stuff just in the in those words Okay What else has been going on you sold out phoenix arizona this week a 700 seat comedy club the great stand up Live it was fun with david and his opener and somebody else It was exciting to be the only white guy in the whole crew of the comedy show right right It was fun. It was a lot of fun. David was going on in the green room being the only white guy in a green room Uh, what was that like? What was going on? I was smoking a bunch of weed and at one point david had said, okay Come back out there after my set and we'll roast people together

And I felt really good about my set and then I get real high and I think wait david's specialty is roasting What the fuck is he setting me up for a trap right now like what the fuck? Is going on right here so that I was horrified about going up there But I was texting him and he was looking at his phone. So I was able to communicate And I didn't have to go out there. So things were pretty good. Hell. Yeah All right, so you just didn't do it Correct. What a chicken. Luckily david loves working with chicken. So, uh He does that was a funny jango on chain joke. He did about your accent. That was a funny accent you did

All right. Yeah, that was 45 minutes ago William thank you for reminding us of funny stuff that happened earlier in the show and podcasts that you haven't been on While being on a podcast talking about not doing some other podcasts That's a lot of podcasts Hold on I confused Tony That's a bunch of podcasts You love doing podcasts Yeah, I mean I've been loving I just shouldn't have spoke to all this fucking spice tonight

But Tony I actually started playing the board game mousetrap and I happened to lose. I lost one of the pieces It's like the the net piece. I've lost that. So I tried to set a mousetrap and then I can't do Then I can't play a mousetrap. No, oh, oh And I swear to god, I'm gonna keep on sending the ciphers to the office I knew for a fact when you said, oh, you're off the podcast. I thought oh It's the fucking people up in those moon tower offices. They don't want me around I wonder why William I think you William. I what the fuck did you just say no, baby?

I can't play a mousetrap this week, man Try to watch my radio files, man I'll get dizzy up here, man Are you ever gonna stop sending I've never got a sausage inside. No, I swear to god. I'm never gonna fucking No synthesizer tonight, huh? No, I think I might bring it back next week. It helped me in Nashville and phoenix I did probably 20 minutes of synthesizers for my 30 minute long sets

So it's making me feel like I can get really close to uh to really headlining if I'm doing like 25 minutes of the synthesizer I think I'm finally gonna be able to do it. So hell. Yeah, absolutely. I'm excited. Absolutely Synthesizing ciphering you've got it all going on You keep looking at Ian in a very interesting way Yes, because I was so horrified when I got the message that now I'm not on the pot That's all I've been thinking about, man I said on my lap, I want to apologize Let's go find your mousetrap

You want to find your mousetrap? Yeah, I want to find my mousetrap. Would that bring you a lot of joy if we found your mousetrap? Yeah, if we find my mousetrap, I'm gonna be so excited How excited would you be if we found the net the missing piece of your mousetrap? I'd finally be able to play mousetrap again I'd finally be able to play again I'm sweating. And you love mousetrap. And I love it How much do you love it? Man, you know I love mousetrap You're running out of energy, aren't you? I feel like a little sleepy baby right now. Yeah, I'm really tired A little tuckered out, huh? I'm really tired right now, Tony and your mom's here and she's been making me nervous this whole time. We're really

Really? Why is my mom making me nervous? I didn't remember meeting you before. I didn't meet you Yeah, I didn't think we met No, I didn't meet you. I wouldn't forget Yeah, she wouldn't forget. She's a steel trap memory. Anyhow, I took your mousetrap piece. I'll get it back to you It was her What a twist What a twist joy got here today and took the time to sneak into your place and steal the net from your mousetrap board game I heard somebody fucking up in the apartment earlier today. Was that really your ass fucking up there stealing my shit

It was oh my goodness Well, we're might we might have a problem after the show. I'm good What would you be willing to do to get your mousetrap net back? Yeah, talk slowly I don't know. I mean, maybe you could come back over to the apartment later. I mean, I think not You just got rejected homie. That was like your forensic files joke earlier. I fucking it was. Yeah, it was so funny when it happened Ian I've Ian and I both rejected you. I'm so sorry Wait, what just happened? Yeah, I thought that's what was going on here. What happened? What's going on? I feel like we're in australia right now. I don't know what's going on

William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen The drawing from ryanje belt is in of joy hinge cliff and ian by dance All those prints at ryanjebelt.com kill merch.com is up brand new kill tony merch state-of-the-art stuff Super cool. You're gonna love it kill merch.com guys. How loud can this place get for my guests joy hinge cliff and ian by dance everybody? unbelievable 76 years old she birthed tony and has now killed tony unbelievable Chris rogers hard over there local artist drew david lucas everybody

Look at that a little anger in his eyes. That's that's david before he eats his breakfast A starving david lucas How about one more time for the best damn band in the land the kill tony band brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey That's the great terrell shahid on the sax paul demer on the horn michael gonzalez on the drums d madness on the bass john d's on the keys and matt mulling on guitar Thank you to the red rose the yellow rose joe blaster austin security guard service and all of our other amazing sponsors

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