KILL TONY - #610 - PAULY SHORE + ERIK GRIFFIN

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

Pauly Shore, Erik Griffin, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/01/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:FACTOR! – Head to FACTORMEALS.COM/KILLTONY50 and use code “killtony50” to get 50% off your first box.—BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, that has every past episode of Kill Tony. You can also click on tour dates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called The Sunset Strip Comedy Club, and go to that website at sunsetstripatx.com. Come check out the show and say hi.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour. Check out Everything Golden Pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, KillMerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers.

Go to KillMerch.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. MUSIC WHISTLE BLOWS APPLAUSE MUSIC Hey, this is RedBank, company alive from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. CHEERING WHISTLE BLOWS You guys ready to fuck some shit up tonight or what? CHEERING WHISTLE BLOWS Whoo! Make some noise for RedBank, everybody. Hey, everybody!

We've been doing this together for nine years and 11 months. How exciting. We are five weeks away from the 10-year anniversary. This is the number one live podcast in the world, everybody, and you're at it right now. Brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard service, Gel Blaster, and Srew Ball Peanut Butter Whiskey,

which presents the Kill Tony band, everybody. Paul Deemer on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. That's the great Matt Mueling on the electric with a fresh haircut. CHEERING Eli Meneses on the guitar as well. And this guy right here behind me

is the one and only D-Madness, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Are we going to have fun here tonight? But before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, all. It's official. It's announced. It's out there. My largest stand-up tour of my entire life.

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Let me be next to your stuff. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? You got to do better than that. Are you ready to start this fucking show? Every single week, two of the funniest comedians in the world joins us. It just so happens that these are two of my favorite guests ever. Both hilarious, both very, very smart, good advice giving bug. And these guys know everything.

Comedy store royalty here tonight in Austin, Texas. Make some noise for Pauli Shore and Eric Griffin. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, house with Eric Griffin. Pauli Shore and the Crusties. Available now. Griffin with Griffin one of the best podcasts out there and they're both in the movie guest house Which was directed by Pauly short. Are we allowed to take these home? Yes

You can have they allowed to take that because that you guys take a picture These are put on your Instagram and tag everyone tell them we'll be here the whole week Thank you Everything sold out already Pauly we don't we don't plug shows here. You're not in LA anymore They can they can scape all the side and come in through the roof. There's a there's like an air raid upstairs I need I guess I need to take an edible. Sorry my timing is a little off. It's okay We'll eat we'll ease into it. We'll ease into it. It'll get easier as it goes on Eric motherfucking Griffin One of the legendary guests literally had a fantastic weekend and thanks for everybody that came out hell

Yeah, and this has been a beautiful experience and now we're back at one of my favorite things to do. Yeah, yeah, Tony right next to me Too, don't you like me too, right? Well, you know, I mean Okay, it's relax a little bit. You have some water or something Pauly shorn the crust he's available now He's doing shows here Wednesday, but they're already sold out riffing with Griffin is Eric Griffin's podcast But most importantly these two guys are two of the most utilized guests in the history of kill Tony You guys know how it works over 200 souls are in the alleyway right now Plus some people in this audience who signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage

Uninterrupted you know their time is up in here the sound of a kitten They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear Which just interrupts them and then I interview them we have some fun We find out more about them. They're literally a guest on a podcast live in front of all of us at the same time It's all improvised you guys ready to start tonight's motherfucking show I'm gonna pre-pull here because we have to take people's phones and pat them down Mike Shields is gonna be the first comedian After our real first comedian, which is one of the regulars here on kill Tony We've seen this guy go from broke to making it to having serious drug addictions a broken heart back again

Now he's in love with a girl that's way hotter than him Just trying to keep you updated where could we tape a couple weeks ahead? Ladies and gentlemen sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. This is Oh, yeah, it's gonna be here happy Asian American and Pacific Islander heritage month. I Know this month my entire career A little less than two years ago, Tony plucked me from a security and gave me the career of my dreams. At this rate, the entire Asian population will be on his side in two billion years.

But yeah, good to be here. I, yes, the whole economy's doing great. I think that's amazing. I think that it's sad that all the kids nowadays care about is transphobia. Back in my day, we could entertain ourselves for hours with just a little bit of homophobia. I like how all these millennials are trying to call Trump a sex offender. It's like, yeah, he did it, but that wasn't his main thing. It's like calling Michael Jordan a baseball player.

Thank you. Hell yeah. Brought it together there at the end. Look at you, you sneaky devil. Thank you. You, you, you're good at like filling time when you can't think of the jokes for a second. There was a moment there about 20 seconds in where you took a moment to tell us all that the economy is doing great.

You sneaky little devil, Hans. What's going on in your head when you're saying things like that? When you say, well, it's good to be here after you've already done some jokes. Normally people say it's good to be here before. Are you like forgetting? Are you trying to think? Yeah. I'm just like, you only have a minute to do.

How could you forget a joke already? You idiot. Right. Right. That's what I was thinking too. I'm kidding. Hans, my sweet boy. You just reminded me indeed that this is the first day of Asian Heritage Month.

This is a big, big month for me. It really is. Thank you, Tony. Can we ask him what it actually means? Yes. What does Asian Heritage Month mean? It means. Everyone's watching right now.

I mean, do you know what it means? Yeah. It means respect and honor. It's like we're in a kung fu movie. Is this kind of like Rosh Hashanah for Jews? What's up? Yeah. It's Rosh Hashanah.

That should have gotten a bigger laugh. Checking on you guys. Rosh Hashanah. Oh, they don't know Jew. They don't even know what Rosh Hashanah is. These Texas people are like, what's a Jew? What the hell? Hans, what is your relationship with Jews?

I love them. You know, we're very similar. We're very mathematically minded. Yeah. But we both aren't very sexually powerful. Oh. I didn't know that was a Jewish stereotype. Sexually powerful.

I've always... No one's like, oh, go get fucked by the Jew. He'll fuck your brains out. Right. Normally when you get fucked by a Jew, it's at the bank or something. Oh, there you are. No Rosh Hashanah, but you know the... Okay.

We're one. Yeah, they're like Asians. But those Jews. Yeah. They're standing ovation. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I love it.

Hans, you did sold out shows this weekend, and where's San Diego? San Diego. Ooh, lovely. You're out there killing it, dude. Thank you, Tony. All thanks to you and Joe and everybody here and a lot of... No, no, no, no, no. It was me.

It was me. It was me. This fuck it. These people. These people aren't from Portland. What the fuck did they ever do for you? So Hans, you walked by all those, the kids outside in the alley, correct? Yeah, I put my moped back there.

It used to be one of those kids. So what's it like walking over those kids now? Yeah. When I'm walking over them, I'm just thinking, wow, I can't believe I was one of them. Like, was I like this? I don't think so. I don't think I was like that. There's Tony's influence right there.

You got damn right. All my people are built with a strong, confident backbone. Hans, what else? Anything crazy happen? I took my girlfriend with me to San Diego. Oh. Oh, thank you. Yeah, how did that go for you?

It went not that well. Yeah, tell us about it. She slept a lot. She only saw one of my shows. And then she got mad at me. And then I don't know why. It's either because I was playing Catan or because I was... But you're also like an Austin six and a half.

Thank you, Eric. But like in San Diego, she probably got a taste of a real Asian man out there. Yeah. Whoa. Fresh off a naval base or something like that. She wasn't sleeping. Yeah. All right, Hans.

All right, Hans. We love you. I love it. We do. We love you. You're so great at getting the show started. Congratulations on another fun set. We'll see you again next week.

Thank you, Tony. Tony Honey. Thank you, Tony. Tony. Sounds incredible to me. Tony. Tony. Tony.

Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony. I want to take aね. Tony. Tony.

Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony. Hello. Hello, Tony.

Tony. Hello. Tony. Whatever's going on and a metallian has my skin look is mine. It's mine greasy and fuck Brando Harris is gonna be next but we pulled the name before this is the kill Tony debut I do believe of Mike Shields everybody 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Shields So I've been trying to take better care of myself trying to sleep more eat right I've been feeling pretty good, but if I get too good I try to put myself in check

And the best way I've found to do this is by playing Call of Duty because I'm old and I suck at it And I've found nothing better to tether my ego balloon to the ground than my getting called a bitch by a six-year-old After he shoots me in the face and then immediately screams for his mommy to get a status check on his chicken nuggets because he's hungry And I can no longer play with a microphone because apparently you can get reported for the things you say there But I have to vehemently disagree with this kid's mom because I think she's blowing thing out of proportions and not looking At it with the correct level of perspective because I've seen the documentary on Jared the subway guy So I can say with confidence that her little angel getting called a smug little cunt is definitely not the worst thing That's ever happened to a first grader

That's my time All right, 53 seconds of Mike Shields. Hell yeah, grab that microphone. I'm gonna interview you Mike You're one of the funniest goddamn accountants that has ever been on the show How long you've been on stand-up for actually this is my first time up in 18 years first time in 18 years that is incredible How long did you do it before you stop for 18 years about a year and a half a year and a half? Where was that at Chicago in Chicago? So what made you stop for 18 years? I started moving a lot and working late and just couldn't get to open my what do you do for a living?

actually do Consulting it and accounting for God I'm so good at this Crazy I could I could feel it I could feel the energy Unbelievable what's the accountant energy? It's kind of like a well, you know, I mean The way he said cunt to you like said it all cute. I didn't even have like bite to it. It's like a cute cunt I don't want a real cunt Mike Shields, so let's talk about it 18 years you took an 18 year long break

Do you remember any of your jokes before the 18 year break like did you have one like quick little banger that you would do? That was like something that worked back then I mean a lot of that was like time-specific, but yeah, can you give us an example? That's kind of funny if you give a time-specific one talk right into the tip of that mic by the way. Yeah, there you go right there so last last weekend I was out running errands and I got stuck in traffic and while I'm sitting there I started taking notes of all the bumper stickers we have on cars and the religious ones really started standing out You know, you got the silver fish God saves Jesus is Lord

You ever notice these are always on the shittiest cars we have on the street? Smile God loves you Well, apparently he's not real fun to you I just have a hard time believing the 70 pinto is a billboard the almighty wants to use to spread the word Look at that. The guy's got beats So interesting Yeah, I know exactly what you're gonna say. It's like do that. Yeah, just new shit Yeah, man, no one's gonna know if it was old or not, right? Yeah, so nobody knows

This election coming up, you know, I got my money on Nixon. I don't know about you guys It's actually hilarious. You'd be the only comedian doing that if you just did topical bits from 20 years ago Man, I tripped over my phone cord the other day OJ huh in the Bronco You seem much more confident about the old shit too, that's weird Yeah, I just came up with the the one tonight like the last one. Oh, you're not prepared. All right I love it. I love it. The worst accountant ever over here So you're an accountant your back at stand-up. What do you do for fun? What's the wild side of Mike Shields?

There's not a lot of wild as I'm sure you're already guessing right, but I want to know there must be something though There must be something you get out there. I got I got married last year So we do a lot of reorganizing the house which suspiciously looks like throwing away shit that I used to own Oh Reorganizing the house, huh? Holy shit living that fucking that is wilder than I expected. How many rooms how many bedrooms? You have three bedrooms, okay Puppa bubba party

Mike Shields is a rock star out there reorganizing. I love it. So you've been married for a year. Yeah Where'd you meet this girl at? Oh here in Austin. Yeah, how'd you run into her? We met off hinge. Whoa Oh my god, how confident is saying he's on dating apps most people it's like cocaine most people do it, but they don't say they do it For real dude, like I'm on dating apps, but I don't tell people You are you're like real name is on there. Does it say like Pauly Shore? Oh my god No, I use Andy Farrac And imagine somebody sees it and they go that guy looks like Pauly Shore That's hilarious

Alright, so Mike I find this all so interesting. What does she do for work the new wife? She's in tech sales tech sales. Yeah, okay tech sales and What do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do? You have any accountant moves you fucking do the calculator or something like that. You know what I mean? Yeah, but but by the way, tell us the 18 year old moves Yeah, we want to know both. We want to know about these new shit. We want to hear about the Break out the slide rule. What I said break out the slide rule. Oh, okay

But seriously, do you have any what's your special move in the bedroom? What do you think pleases your wife the most? I? Know it's a quest. It's a question that only leads to a funny answer if you're honest Is it is it good? Is it good sex or is it just so have you done pegging yet? No, no, we know you're on a dating app. You're doing cocaine And you like to get paid I'm gonna go back to my original question though I'm gonna go back to it. You have any special moves in the bedroom that you think pleases your wife the most What is your go-to?

move What's the dismount let us know I? It's I demand in it. I demand an answer of my shoes I know you're trying to giggle your way out of this. It ain't fucking happening Accounting doesn't have like crazy dismounts But there must be something that you do there must be you know, is it normally one position is it you guys? So if I use their foreplay do you do the do you do the tax code while you eat her pussy? Yeah? Yeah, I do the deduct nothing on that

Yeah, do the deduction see there you go We're gonna we're gonna I will keep you up here all fucking night until you tell me something that you do in the bedroom That you think pleases your wife I come on Mike say it right into the tip of the microphone. Stop letting Paulie and Eric bail you out Doggy doggies dog doggies doggy When you're doing her doggy style do you squeeze her boobies from behind? Now we now we know Paulie does that My shields

Congratulations on your return to stand-up comedy You're gonna leave here with a medium-sized jokebook and grab one of those gel blasters over there by the great people over at gel blaster Made in Austin, Texas available all around the world Make some noise for your next comedian. I again, I do believe that this is another kill Tony debut His name is Brando Harris everybody Brando Harris Here we go Good to be here guys I work in the seafood department at Whole Foods this lady she came up all aggressive

She's like I need a pound of your raw shrimp I was like, okay. Well, it's not that small and I prefer to use a condom. I Read something the other day. Thank you appreciate it Did you guys know that the balloon was invented after the condom? Isn't that crazy that means some dude was like hey if you think these are cool for fucking check this out Happy birthday There's a little president there for you too Thank you guys I got a buddy and he sells coke to me. He's my coke dealer and

He sells a lot of coke to white women and he tells me whatever he does he cuts it with flour I was like dude. Why? I just want to prove a point that these bitches ain't got no gluten allergies Thank you guys appreciate it Brando Paris making his kill Tony debut. How are you Brando? I'm doing good. How are you? Fantastic, how long you've been in stand-up comedy for about a year and a half. Where at in Chicago? Okay, you're just visiting from Chicago right now. Yeah, I got in I got in town today. I love it How was your flight? It was short two hours quick nice coach cheap, okay? Absolutely, so

What do you do for work in Chicago, so I work in the seafood department at whole oh you really do I thought that was just a set up Okay Incredible you love it, huh? I fucking hate it Right here. All right, maybe another half it maybe another half a step that way there you go perfect Is there a red X there by your feet? Yeah, well it was right here. I it should be over there. All right, you got it Brando Brando Brando, so a year and a half in stand-up comedy. You're talking about balloons condoms Seafood department at Whole Foods. How long have you worked in the seafood department at Whole Foods?

I worked in seafood for like two years Whole Foods for four years. Okay. All right, so you really specialize in seafood. Yeah Yeah, I'm good good crabs. Absolutely. Look at you. Is that a promotion? It should be Need more money. Oh, you mean like promoting them now. Fuck them. I'm saying you're in Whole Foods And they was like hey guess what you're going to see food It was a promotion, yeah Wow, nobody wants to work smelling like fish, so All right, what do you do for fun?

Other than other than stand-up comedy TV you just watch TV TV very chill Yeah, you don't go out and party or anything like that in Chicago. No, just stand up stand up I have a son, so it's okay on Santa holds your son. He is for you still with the baby mama That's a weird question That's a no Haha How long was she in the picture for like seven years, okay, yeah, yeah, okay mostly before yeah How long have you guys been broken up for for like?

Three okay, yeah, absolutely, and what do you have like you guys like switch on and off? Yeah, I I I'm doing comedy at night and work during the day, so she takes most of the load I will I'll give her that so taking the load is how you should got pregnant in the first place All right, Brando very very interesting. Yeah, is your kid cool dude? He's the best he does stand up really yeah I took him to an open mic, and he has a he has a joke tonight. Can I share with you absolutely? You got a picture a little kid saying this but he says uh

Why did the triceratops go to the doctor? Because he was horny Whoa, I don't know what a triceratops is It's a dinosaur Polly you were making movies when triceratops All right, come on Polly sit here come on come back you're referencing in senile man where there was Man, it's definitely absolutely I love it Brando Brando Brando you live by yourself. I do in Chicago. What part of Chicago? So I'm I'm out in the burbs, so I'm in Joliet, so I'm a little I'm like 30 miles out the city

Okay, that's nice. Is that where you're originally from? No, so I'm from Chicago right all around So I grew up in Evanston, which is yeah pretty close to Chicago. Yeah, and then Minnesota Back out to the burbs. What about jukebox and Peoria? I don't know about that It's a great club and pure I'm just trying to reference the fucking Chicago area, bro It's the home of Richard Pryor and Sam Kenison. I'm sorry. Okay, this motherfucker wants to do stand up dude I'm fucking getting pissed Polly it closed in 1987. No come on. It's not true. I talked to Dan the other day. He wants me to play there

He's fucking hilarious Brando, do you have any special skills or talents other than being a stand-up comedian and working with seafood? Oh, I could juggle I could can you really juggle I could juggle here. Can you juggle these three little joke books? I could try. All right. Give me some juggling music guys a one two three four. Hey This is Brando Harris doing some juggling. Okay. Whoa. All right Wow. All right. All right I Get see how that will work with like lemons and stuff like that. Okay. Yeah. All right. We talk about Don lemons. Yes

So how about other than juggling anything else? Fucking I could do a Rubik's Cube. I could backflip just Okay, I just want to try to be interesting. No, I'm not gonna do one here. No, I agree. I don't want you to I have to make sure Joe Rogan doesn't get sued from By anything that happens on a Monday Tuesday through Sunday, he'll handle it himself, but I can't have it on my conscious Brando, is there anything else interesting about your entire life that we should know about before we let you go any fun facts about? Brando Harris that makes you different or that we would find interesting. You're just on a podcast now. Yeah

Yeah, I know I should probably plan for him. I got buddies who got a really good podcast. No, that's not the answer to the question. I reference your entire life. I said anything interesting about your entire Maybe maybe did you ever almost die ever save anybody's life? You have a record for something. Yeah. Yeah. All three of those. That's pretty cool I did I used to go to EMT school and I dropped out and then I work. I was working at a restaurant and this this dad he came up and He's like my son's choking. Can you help? Can you help please? And so I went up Got a son out, you know got got got that whole scenario taken care of and then the dad at the end of the the movie He's like, hey, thank you so much and he gave me $20 And I said the average Schooner was about $9,000. I'll take your 20 bucks. I like that

Yeah. All right, Brando. Well, congratulations Very fun stuff here is There's a job bug grab a jailblaster over there Yeah One comic and then Charles Adams, Jr. But before we get to Charles, you guys are in for a very special treat We have the return of one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show He's been gone for a few months. He is an absolute fucking monster from Toronto, Canada

Ladies and gentlemen golden ticket winner. The one and only makes some noise for Jared Nathan, everyone It's great to finally be here at the mother ship. As you can tell, it's not my first time in space Let me know Let me get you in a little secret Okay, I've been abducted by aliens Just kidding But I have been probed and asked before I'm a transcendental astronaut

I've been to mushroom land many times before Can somebody please do me a favor and somebody please tell you You Motherfucker You want to say this Because you don't need rocket fuel to be blasted in the mud Yeah, Jared Nathan, everybody Wow Hell yeah

God damn really struggling with the Ems tonight, huh my my goodness Motherfucker, absolutely. I love it. Jared. Welcome back to the show. Oh how we have missed you You are one of the legends of kill Tony folklore. How's life been going for you? It's fucking wonderful Tony. Yeah, it's been great. Yeah, tell us about it I've been doing tons of shows in Toronto and you're selling tickets. I'm selling tickets because of kill Tony That's for you because of kill fucking Tony That is correct Of the month

Yeah, I love it. How much time do you do usually when you go on tour? How many minutes? I do 25 to 30 right now. Absolutely. That's fucking great I do 25 to 30 yet. That's great. So about five minutes of material or Five minutes of normal time 25 of my time. I love it. I love it Jared And you're running the city of Toronto right now. How's it going up there? It's going wonderful. I'm I've been doing good. I've been helping a homeless Tony. You've been helping the homeless. Yes. Oh boy. I've been hanging out with cigarettes and I've been

Helping them real good. Yeah Helping them say hi motherfuckers. Yeah Um, so the only m-word you could just say is motherfucker I'm the retarded Samuel L. Jackson motherfucker Samuel mentally L Jackson I want to see that avengers movie. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah Yeah, absolutely. I want to say fuck the stage and polly fuck the shore. Yeah, I see no man. Yeah I watched that movie. Yeah

Hell yeah Absolutely, I get the feeling this is a real speech impediment not like fucking Josh Martin's bullshit Right, no one knows who that is Polly. No one in the world On the real deal all right I love it. What are you been doing for fun out there on the streets? Tell us more Jared And Your rollerblading oh shit, dude

What the hell is on my head? You I mean is that even necessary right? I mean a helmet at this point like you know what I mean? Yeah, what can go wrong? It might even improve, you know what I mean? Bumps his head comes back like I'll tell you about this Elon Musk I Just want to see him do like remakes of like Samuel Jackson scenes now that would be fucking like pulp fiction. That'd be fucking hilarious. Yeah, see they're with me My the fucking snakes on a plane

Jared Nathan you are a goddamn saint. Look at you sweating bullets working it out living your best life. When did you land in Austin? That's called motherfucking Wednesday Wednesday last week. Okay. I've been here a little bit. What have you been doing in town? I haven't seen you around I've been doing some sets of the sunset strip. Okay. Oh, oh, you're at red bands club These are the types of comedians that red bands able to fuck I'm kidding. He's hilarious Walking a lot. You've been what?

Walking a lot. Oh, you've been walking a lot Okay I went canoeing on Lady Bird Lake. You did what? Oh, I went canoeing on Lady Bird Lake. Oh my god I have a good taste stroke Tony You have what? I have a good taste stroke. Okay. All right. I learned how to Can you I can't Robin Hood

Okay back in the day All right, that's a shout out. That's a camp That campsite right now is like, oh fuck Shout outs to Robin Hood camp Is that like a regular like uh, just outdoor camp or is it for special outdoor camp? But they have a huge special needs population. Oh, wow. Yeah, so it's just a whole fucking camp of fucking You want me to say it? Yeah, were you touched? Yeah. Yeah Tony does anything like even our word of the past I use it every night when you're not here

All right. I don't I don't I don't need your pass, but I'll take it anyway. Got it. Now. I have video proof of it All right If everyone from every race could give me the pass to say what I want to say that would be great Thank you. I love you too. Jared Nathan. What else has been going on? Tell us more. I can't get enough of you Um I've been doing some music. I've been recording some new music. What kind of music have you been doing? You got to be fucking kidding

You want to do a little rap verse right now? You guys want to hear Jared Nathan rap a little bit Ask for the beat Oh shit Boom boom bang doing my thing. Here we go. Now I choked on a chicken wing and I had to run up on a winter pad. So I pulled me a rap when I spray my spray when I rap. Here we got to go. Hip hip hop Yeah, oh hell yeah. Oh my god This is like an m&m couldn't say the letter m Had a song to go viral

Yeah extra homosexual Who check it out is on instagram and on Spotify wait, what's the name extra homosexual? Wow extra Chroma sexual That's a hit That's a hit Oh my god, that's gonna be a part of the lgbt community next. Oh, yeah, the lgbtq are

eat Absolutely Jared I would love to have you on both secret shows at vulcan and sunset this week. Wow Amazing ladies and gentlemen there he goes the great Jared Nathan everybody What a pro I don't feel like I'm doing enough with my life now You know the man You're creating stars bro Nothing but stars out of here might crave in his two-way, but I pulled out

Charles Adams jr. He's done the show a few times make some noise for Charles Adams jr. Everybody. He's back God damn I cut this shit off What's up, man? How y'all man? I'm sorry. All right. It smells good. It's fucking here. I'm telling you I just saw a homeless lady took a shit in the alley What in the comic stepped in and I was like, oh my god All right, somebody please the whole thing called my name. I gotta get this fucking alley Oh lord, I gotta put some instant back there or something down. That's some real shit

Speaking of shit, uh ace of ice cream this weekend. Uh, yep her name was strawberry Yep, uh, I met her at this strip club butt naked. Um, man We went to the e-wars birthday party and uh, uh, you know about that shit I took some Molly. I never took Molly before and uh, my body was just I came to don't know how you white people do that shit I mean, I was just sweating and glistening. I was just like, why am I dancing to this fucking Mythological fuck. I don't even know what the fuck. There's an elephant. I don't know what the fuck is. I'm just like, I like tigger But you know, you know what I'm saying with a T Hey, that's my time man. Oh, that's what's up. Charles Adams jr. All right

Hey, so tony you've said the r-word now No No We're good only with my windows rolled up That's a safe place right there. Absolutely. That's how I do it as well. These goddamn comedians Charles Adams jr. You've been on the show a few times before welcome back. Thank you my fourth time, you know Yep, I love it. It's been a while since the last one. You've been at all the venues that we've done here in austin, texas, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So how's how long you been wanting to stand up again?

Oh 13 years. Wow 13 years. Austin motherfucking texas, you know what I'm saying? Born and raised in this bitch. Yeah Sorry Yeah Should have scared people so absolutely. Charles Adams jr. So remind us. What do you do for a living? Well, I just got a promotion now. I'm a college and career counselor in high school Okay, wow

And what were you fucked them kids, you know what time it is, you know me Remember crazy and what was the party that you said that you went to this week. What was that? Eeyore Eeyore's uh, Eeyore's birthday party. What is Eeyore's birthday party and some hippie ass shit? They know man. All the women got hairy under orange. Yeah It's attractive. Yeah. Yeah. What was that de madness? Okay, all right the local legend It's an austin hippie festival Oh

D madness, what do you think about white girls with hairy armpits? Most of them work at Whole Foods. Yeah My boy D man, it's my homie. No mine too. Absolutely. Watch yourself. No. Yeah. Yeah. He's that's what he does My god, absolutely. Charles Adams jr. So, uh, did you really hook up with a stripper named strawberry? Yeah, real real tough. Wow. Where'd you find her at? Well, well, well Uh, that's a strip club. Okay It wasn't that interesting. It was at a strip club. My homeboy bought it for uh, no, I didn't say that. Yeah So you said it mother fucker you said it. Hey, it's out there now

Redo redo So what'd you do with this girl? Oh, you know, we were just hanging out It was uh, yeah, we played a pee knuckle and um Spades she was really good at spades. She was black, you know Are you allowed to do these types of things when you work in a place that you newly work at? What isn't he a counselor isn't he a counselor for kids? Holly, what are you trying to cancel this guy with the fucks going on right now? I'm trying to get answers out of these people. You should try to help your career right now

I don't want you to get in any trouble or give any answers. That's what I'm saying. I'm just saying you go. You're straight I'm straight. All right. Tell us what you did with strawberry. I have to know I want to know Enough of the pee knuckle jokes. Oh, man. We uh, was it at the strip club? Do you go to your place? We got off work. Yeah, we went back to my homeboy house. Okay. So you're at your homeboy's house. What happens then? You know what I'm saying? You got a pool table in this front. You know what I'm saying? And we were shooting pool and she did a little something with the eight ball. Oh, shit I didn't like it me personally. I was I was kind of scared. I never I seen it on like videos, but like I was like, I said damn. That's who Lord Jesus

Did she really? That girl So she popped it out of her Holy shit, that is incredible. You had strawberries and cream all over the pool table Peaches and cream So she shoots a ball out of her pussy and then and then what do you do? You're like Like the ball I touched you know, we made out a little bit made out

Did you did you put the ball back in her asshole? What's up? Is you I would have shoved in her asshole Man, uh, I just man that shit was gross. We just you know, I rubbed on her titties and shit. Wait, wait. That's gross So you draw the line at the eight ball going in the asshole Oh god, that was it. All right. I'm done with this shit. That's Wow It went to eor's birthday party the next day. It was like right and then so like eor's birthday party a big hippie fest here What do you do at a place like that? What are you doing? You smoking some pot? What's going on?

You know saying that was a so I tried some molly. Yeah, I ain't never really did that shit before I was just like hanging out. I was like, fuck. I'll do it. Let's go on a trip or whatever Right. Who we panic attack at the pan. I was like, god, this is stupid. Yeah, I was like Like So like when you say panic attack like what exactly was happening were you like crying were you passing out? Were you nervous? I feel like I was just like Were you doing that were you doing Strawberry strawberry. Oh, yeah

You were having I was done. I was like fucked up. You were having flashbacks to strawberry flashbacks Wow Charles Adams jr. Before I let you go. What else since the last time we saw you. What's what's another big thing that's happened or Something we don't know about you or something like that Man, you know what? You know ever since I've been doing, you know to kill Tony's real talk, man We getting booked a lot. Yeah doing a lot of 20 minute sets outside of Austin just did a show in Colleen nice sold out my fucking crowd. Hell. Yeah, it was tight, man

And I got some merch now and I'm sweet and I'm selling it. I love it. I love it I'm with you on that. We just opened up kill merch.com this week. Business is booming. What's your merch site called? Uh, just Charles Adams jr. Charles Adams jr.com. Yes, sir. All right. It's like a serial killer name, bro 25 dollars a shirt, man. Look at that can't beat that may make a suggestion. Yes eight ball Oh When this episode drops With one pubic hair on it Charles Adams jr. You already have every size joke book that we've ever had right so grab one of those gel blasters

Enjoy yourself one more time for Charles Adams jr. Yeah Yeah, ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your next comedian Mike Craven everybody The kill tony debut of Mike Craven I was hanging out at a bar the other day and uh, and there was this girl she was bragging about how much money she makes doing only fans She was like every month. I pay my car note doing only fans I'm so rich every month. I pay my car note doing only fans Yeah, but then she walked out of the bar to her car

And she drove a 97 Honda Civic I was like, that's not impressive at all I don't think you should even have a car note on a 97 Honda Civic That would be like if I told you guys that I pay my rent doing comedy And then you guys found out that I live in a 97 Honda Civic Which is not true It's a 99 It's a 99. All right, thanks

Mike Craven, I love it great delivery very confident. How long have you been doing stand-up Mike? A little over a year now. I love it all of it here in Austin. No, yeah Kind of started in Chicago then moved to Denver and now I live in Houston beautiful beautiful. That's those are all good comedy cities Uh, what do you do for work? Uh, no, I like drive for DoorDash a little bit, but my wife works So, okay. Like I said earlier, your your delivery is incredible What does your wife do for a living? Uh, she works for a clothing company. Okay. I don't know if I should name it But uh, why wouldn't why wouldn't you? Uh, she works for H&M. Okay. All right. Very good H&M's fun. It's a great store. I walked in there last week. They asked me if I was a pedophile

Oh Oh, wait, wait, wait, that was urban outfitters. Sorry That's good. It's her good I love it. What does your wife do for H&M? Uh, she's a visual manager Okay, so she's like kind of like what like a designer of like the layout of the store. Exactly. You got it. You've dated one before probably Yeah, something something like that something like that forever 21. You know what I am? Stupid so dumb so dumb Uh, okay. So you're you are the rare male gold digger. Um, how long have you been with your wife?

Uh, we've been married about two years now Let me ask you something that Mike Shields wouldn't give me an answer to earlier You've been married two years. You seem like a very like reserved mellow guy But I bet in the bedroom you get a little wild. Do you have any special moves or tricks that you do in the bedroom to keep your Wife completely satisfied. Is there like a special finishing move that you have or something like that? Uh, it's pretty boring to be honest. The pretty white guy sucks. I eat her out a pretty good bit There you go It looks like it. Yeah

Hell yeah, she watches this the show so she'll be hyped that I talked about that. I love it I love it. What's the longest you've ever gone down on your wife? You think just don't just a ballpark I've probably got like a 25 minutes. Whoa Five minutes sucks When you go down or did you put your fingers inside of a vagina simultaneously as you look at clitoris? Jesus Polly, I'm just saying Dude, why are you getting mad at me? I'm just that's the way you said it like a professor like This is like a fucking guy teaches a class on eating pussy like all right. Well, welcome to professor shore

Uh, the clitoris as you can see how to help the guy out, bro. Yeah Polly makes it seem like he has the like the gynecologist stirrups at his place. Yeah, baby. Put your feet in the stirrups I I met you on hinge. Why don't you hit him? He's got one of those lights right here. He's got like a minor's light You're just saying that's how girls like the pussy's eating out ladies, right? See that's all I'm saying. Oh, I'm just trying to give you a fucking softball, bro Hell yeah, dude Polly short teaching young comics how to make women come If you google Leonardo DiCaprio Polly short pussy, da da da da da. I taught him how to eat pussy too. So You can't do it. You can't do it because you got your shit in the pouch

But when you leave this establishment, you taught Gilbert Grape how to eat That's incredible That is unbelievable. I'm a giver. I'm a giver, bro. Hell yeah Damn, you taught Leonardo DiCaprio how to eat pussy that the real Hollywood fun facts you learned hanging out with Polly Well, that probably makes sense why he only dates younger women because He don't have the experience He likes him tight Anyway, Mike Craven, let's talk about it weirdest thing about you. You think what's something weird in your daily routine?

Perhaps or just a fun fact about you Uh daily routine is pretty boring. Uh, I got uh, I got circumcised at a pretty old age. Whoa Oh, how old of an age? Uh 21. Oh my god Ouch Were you were you dick shamed? Is that what it is? Like people got tired of being like, oh my god It was kind of I was more like afraid of getting dick shamed like as soon as I got I started fucking right away as soon as I got circumcised but before then I was like I was afraid to show girls because I But it wasn't looking good down there. Really? So it was like a turtle's head. What's up? Yeah, exactly. Yeah

It was like a turtle's head But like the head like couldn't come out of the show all the way. Yeah, and then you had to push the foreskin back That's European, bro Is this another class you teach? I won circumcised Brendon Frazier myself on this set of He said he got circumcised at 21. I'm trying to help him out. I'm just curious I love it. So you were 21. What was the recovery for something like that? Like is that a couple weeks? It sucks. Yeah, it was like a month before it was like not painful anymore

Yeah, because like when you like you when you sleep if you're a guy I didn't really know this you like while you're sleeping you get hard like 10 times a night and each one of those was like incredibly fucking painful. Oh My god, so it would wake you up. Yes. Was it worth it? Yeah That's the most excited you've gotten all night My dick is spectacular now Yeah

So like were you doing risky stuff? Were you trying to like jerk off and stuff like before it was completely healed? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, that's not very fun. Right. Yeah, you're just like ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Yeah, just pushing through the pain for the reward. So so when when girls when girls get fake boobies They put peas on their chest to like, you know, you know, right ladies. Did you put peas on your penis? Frozen peas, frozen peas Frozen peas, I was trying to think of what the fuck like why would people put room temperature peas on there? I apologize. I put the word I missed the word frozen. Thank you Did you put frozen peas on your uh, they weren't frozen. It's just kind of a food kink. Uh,

No, no, I didn't I did not You know, I'm curious you ever wanted to be a ventriloquist No, yeah, you don't really because when you talk you don't move your arm here like Yeah, I got circumcised at 21, you know, and I ain't it hurt really bad. I don't know. I'm kind of boring in the bedroom You must be terrible at eating pussy if you don't move your mouth You feel that? I think that's the only time I annunciate is when I'm eating pussy You put the eight and annunciate

We like him. He's our friend. What? We like him. He's our friend. Absolutely. He can hang out with Hans Kim in Montgomery And the guy that fucking has a speech impediment. Your last name's Mike. Your last name's Craven And I remember you used to live next to West Craven. I did. I did. He was the director of all the screen Scream films and all the nightmare on elms. And then he had polyshore the nightmare on his street, too. Yeah Oh, yeah, I remember being like I was like your house 16 years ago was the most famous person's house I have uh, I had been to at the time and I remember thinking wow, that's fucking crazy. I'm at polyshore's house That's west Craven's house and what before west Craven's it was steam McQueen's house

Wow, which is wild. Yeah, and you taught him how to That'd be a weird bus tour now I still don't understand how what did you do? Did you put ice on your penis? How did you like chill it out, dude? No, I just got to live with the pain. Oh, really? Yeah You have surgery usually put ice on it. No, but that would hurt like yeah Because I never like shrink and that would kind of fuck with the scar a little bit. I think so. Yeah, no ice I put ice on my penis after sex Yeah, I'm a rock and roll, dude

My Craven here's a medium joke book. There you go Boom Grab a grab a gel blaster over there grab a gel blaster mic over there. He's cool One of the most fun things you can possibly do Grab a gel blaster available in walmart and online I'm gonna pull a name here. It's gonna be regina frank But first we have one of our regulars ladies and gentlemen one of the legends of the show One of the greatest writers performers

Is another guy selling out all over the world a fucking monster killing it here in austin texas It's kill tony's own david motherfucking lucas everybody Yeah I think that uh That gay and trans men are born through c-section For real because if you born natural then your first interaction in life is eating pussy, you know Like when I came out of my mom I was eating the fuck out of her pussy nigga. I really That's why I'm straight man. Like I love

That Like I loved it so much that I was crying that it took me out. I'm like, hey man Put me back in this stinky motherfucker. What did you do? I don't even know how I feel about gay like I don't even think a gay man is a real thing. You know what I'm saying Like I don't man. Like it's an idea or a sex position But like drop a gay nigga off in a wilderness situation and see how low he'll be gay. Yeah Like if you put a gay nigga in front of a grizzly bear is he just gonna fold his hands and be like, uh, uh, mr. Bear What is you doing?

Mr. R you need to back it up. What is going on? I can do that too. Look No, he's gonna fight All right, thank you. The great David Lucas coming in showing exactly how it's done. Yes every week Unbelievable. Good to see you again. It seems like he was just walking through like, oh, okay. I'm gonna go do this Now I'm gonna go do that. Yeah, this is nothing dude. That's that's my type of comedy like Easy breezy. I won't try to feel like I'm gonna do six minutes on the corner up there and it's two seconds, right? What did you talk about? Yeah, your ass out here looking like a used and abused lesbian

I'm just saying what I was talking about is you're like flowing from here to here And there's actually a lot of people know that there's two rooms joe's starting another room up there in the corner So it's a four-seater and he's gonna be one of them lesbians with four children like bitch Wait, you start eating pussy. Uh I'm the gay bear I didn't say gay bear, but I ain't no more. Fuck. I'll kick your ass, bitch. Oh shit Look at you Look at Eric Griffin Eric, you look like really you look like a character from Bob's burger, nigga

Yeah All right, this is what we're gonna do. Yeah, that's what we're gonna do. Okay. All right. Well, you look like a home plate umpire That's what you look like Man, if you don't get your fat Gerardo Rivera, look at that That motherfucker Eric Griffin got one of them 99 cent costume ass done when it comes with the glasses and the mustache Mr. Mr. Incognito I've been hearing that my whole fucking life Well, you look like you got a German Shepherd. We're gonna go

With that black You look you look like a chubby dude from the Memphis team that just lost bitch Fiber and orange who's kicking in right now anything man, what you talking about Willis? Oh This thing is unrosable, bro. How you doing? That's true. You try to roast me. He just say something obscure like You take that 80s reference motherfucker That shit's back now, bro Chinese face This shit is wild

Pauly's out of his seat. Pauly's out of his seat. Oh Oh, oh shitty. Pauly, you dressed like a high school art teacher. Niggas get your mother and somebody Look at this nigga Oh pottery teaching ass Somebody call BNL man, put this nigga down, man Al Sharpton somebody help me out I got this motherfucker in white bed poking me, bro. I'm not gonna like this episode. Oh, she's gonna love it Your mom knows Pauly shorty. She does that. She know Eric Griffin too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She know me

Yeah I hope she do somebody need to fuck that miserable bitch Damn She needs some dick nigga. I'm sick of it, bro She think I'm her boyfriend. She cut in my house all the time. I'm like, hey, bitch, you got a whole house What did you do with it? Right? Right. What else has been going on? David Lucas. You're killing all over. What else? Yeah, man, you know, just doing the shows doing my fishing show on youtube, bro

I got a whole bunch of dates coming up soon. I'm an uh Addison improv in the houston improv towards the end of may and then we in uh, boston No, yeah boston and philly boston market That's a little gay kangaroo looking at something gay cater gay kangaroo Oh, yeah, why why is he saying that we're gay? Tony? That's not cool Well, first of all, yeah, we're yeah, we're gonna we're gonna show him Would gay guys make out like yes No

Tony you really about to see the weasel Yeah All right Too much Man you look the chubby dude from the memphis tennessee titans See what i'm saying? You can't roll this nigga, bro. This motherfucker out of his bag Dude, i'm this is a 60 year old 13 year old, man. You can't do that with this nigga, man. This nigga Chinese i'm going on there. I think of something like those keeping busy, man

I might as well want a carton of milk and a peanut butter and jelly salad Chinese we're going to your boat on you still catch your food up at restaurants, don't you? And let me see the kids menu David I love it another fucking rock solid set another unbelievable interview portion. You're a god damn unstoppable force Oh, yeah, Tony. I want to announce uh I'm doing uh my biggest spot, man. We're taking it to uh new york. I'm doing the sony hall on july 14 Yeah, yeah, man. I love that y'all help me sell that motherfucker out july 14 new york I'm up in there, man. Love y'all. Peace david lucas everybody

And it's great when they diversify the whale movie they're gonna get uh After your next comic it's gonna be montana lacasse But right now it is regina frank everybody regina make some noise for regina frank everybody All these people wait a long time in the alleyway. Here's regina So I just recently watched the new uh jeffrey dommer's tv series that came out in netflix And you know, I thought it was really good. I really liked it, but I think dommer had it all wrong. I think he went about it all wrong If you just stayed in school gone a good job, you know, maybe read the right connections with the right people

Wait until he was a well respected politician before he started killing and eating people Maybe could have gone away with it. I don't know. I don't know um I just recently found out that my ex-boyfriend started dating a former lesbian No, I'm not bitter or anything. You know, I'm actually really happy for him. You know, he finally found someone Someone could eat his pussy, right? I Feel like I really hit the lottery in the gender department

Uh, just because I feel like I've always been a gay man trapped inside of a straight woman's body who they themselves feels like A woman so it all kind of works out for me. I don't really have to change anything really just do anal be myself Thanks, everyone. I'm dina. That was my time regina frank. Is this your first time on the show? Oh Second time tony. Okay. How'd it go the first time? Oh Pretty decent pretty decent. It was my first time and I didn't do so bad, but I didn't do so great How long ago was that? Uh about two three months ago and that was your first time doing stand-up

Have you been doing it a lot of other places since then? Um, I did uh an open mic a couple times, but uh, I just work a lot But I have been writing more and trying to take it more seriously. What do you do for work? Uh, well, I quit my job at texas roadhouse. Okay. Now I work at uh little wood rows as a cocktail waitress Wow, that's a pretty big upgrade, huh? Yeah, it's I'm making a lot more money. Um, no no Talking shit about texas roads that are a great company, but uh, I am a lot happier where I'm at now Right, right and those are late hours. Yes. Yes. Uh, I had to change my come my entire schedule and that's on 6th street, right?

Um, not at 6th street actually work at south park meadows. It's more of like a neighborhood type setting But okay a lot of older older people. Right, right. Okay. And uh, how do you like that? What's going on there? Anything exciting? I love it except I'm really nice and uh, I have a hard time telling creepers No, and I had a guy a weird. Oh calm down Polly No, I had a weird guy follow me in my car and then like found my instagram account I was like asking me if I wanted a cuddle and how to block him and then he just keeps showing up at every shift So oh shit red band. Why are you doing this? Red band

Okay, so Regina, what are you doing for fun when you're not working? Um, okay Well, I'm just a homebody person that go out a lot. I hang out with my family. I take care of my baby nephew I I cook meals. I I love to cook make homemade ice cream. I'm do you know how to pop toes? Uh tap toes. No pop toes Like crack the toe knuckles. No crack toes. I just because I like girls that crack toes Also like rubbing feet and stuff. I can do the sawdust. Yeah, okay. Cool. Yeah She's mine, dude. Whoa You guys like, I mean is that on your hinge profile?

It is actually. Oh, yeah Yeah Fuck hoes and crack toes. Well, no, I'm just I'm just saying that's like the best part about, you know, after you're with the girl You hanging out in bed and you you lie there and you go play babe Can you please pop my toes and it feels really nice and if the girl says that is That is some famous for 40 years. Shit that you're telling us, right? And if the girl says, you know, yes I'll do it. That's awesome. She says no, then you spatch, bro. Oh, that's your like that's your like Bronx tail

That's your test to see if they're worth it. Yeah, yeah, pretty much Maybe pop my toes That's the unlock the door. I haven't I have an uber ax on the way for you right now How many girls pop their boys toes I meant you at Polly. See you do it, right? I could tell you Polly. I'm a big fan Oh, wow. What else would you do with Polly Shore if given the opportunity? I mean, I'd wheeze the juice for sure That'd be the first thing I'd do Whoa, oh, shit. Look at this. It got weird

Polly went from MTV to HPV. Here we go Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness Oh, shit. Why am I in the front? This party is wild Polly Polly Polly's the only person that meet twos humans on a podcast Yeah, it's pretty amazing. He doesn't do a behind the scenes. He waits till we're on the air I love it Regina. What is uh Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you think you're good at or famous for or something like that?

I asked the men. I feel like it's an it should be an equal opportunity question I guess it's no secret that I do anal. So, uh, is that true? Wow I did a grow up catholic. So you do the mass Oh my goodness. Do you know anything about eight balls? I actually don't do drugs. I'm high on jesus christ, but I still do anal Oh, she didn't hear the right. Yeah, we were talking about an actual eight ball in your butthole Not like the full ball not drugs. I thought I was being cool and understood. I don't know. It was an earlier thing

If that's the eight ball that you think of when you hear somebody say eight ball, then you've probably done drugs before Just like two times twice, right? Jesus. Maybe right. Jesus was watching What no my dad my dad watches the show. Oh, okay. Does your dad know you do anal, right? Wow to think that your dad is jerking off right now Wow, that is incredible Uh, because of poly, you know It was all poly. It was all poly. I love it. Regina. Congratulations. Did you get a little joke book last time? I got a little one. Yeah, I got good news for you. You've moved up to a medium joke book. Congratulations. There you go

Thanks so much to Regina Frank everybody. There she goes I want it all Regina. I pulled the next name out of the bucket. It's Montana La Casse everybody Montana La Casse And Davey Jackson will be after that. Here's Montana everybody. It should be Make some noise for Montana everybody What's up guys? I'm from Montana. I just uh before I got here I bought a truck And in Montana we actually use it unlike you fags who are buying them, but whatever Uh, oh, fuck you guys Uh, haven't got my license plate yet. The dealer said wait, uh 20 to 30 days before getting the license plate

Uh, I'm thinking about getting some custom ones. Any of you guys got custom ones? Yeah, only one person broke ass motherfuckers. Yeah, I'm thinking about getting some custom ones. I'm thinking about getting r s e x o f f registered sex offender on the plates. I was thinking about getting dad rapist, but it was way too many letters, bro Fuck you guys. That shit was funny. Um Dad rapist on a license plate isn't funny for you guys Uh, I broke up with my girlfriend recently. She said uh canaan. I gave you everything

I said I'm well aware, bitch I'm on four different antibiotics right now, dude. These are weak, bro What would you say there at the end? I was saying I'm on four different antibiotics. No, no, no, no The last the last thing that you said hold on. Hold on. The last thing that you said these things are weak I have my jokes for a week. Right. Okay. I was just making sure that that's what you said It was my inner narcissist blaming it on other people. I thought you were very likable. Thank you I Mean most likable comedian I've ever seen

Calls you guys a fag the second he gets out immediately You just won the audience Montana let's talk about it. You're godawful at this. Yeah, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Um, I've been doing about a year and a half now in montana. Yeah, are there humans watching you when you're doing it? Unfortunately, how many dude? I got a population like 40,000 40 no 40. Yeah 40,000 people people in your city. Yes, very small You're kind of a weird-looking dude. What's going on with your head and everything you have like a you have a weird Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You have a weird ear. I'm noticing you kind of have a weird lip. What's going on?

Explain to these people what you have gigantic eyebrows. You look like somebody's smushed Burt and Ernie together It's you're a bizarre-looking guy Um, can you can you help us to understand you wrestled in high school? That's that you had cauliflower ear and then you got it drained and now you have sloth ear What about the lip? Did you have a that was a dirty dick? This is the lip. Yeah, what do you mean? I was gonna say dirty pussy, but I felt mean so I said dirty dick. It's a cold sore I got it with the past two days actually. Are you fucking serious? Dude stay the fuck back, bro

The fuck oh my god. That's not cool, bro. That's a cold sore. Security, security Yo, get him out of here. We're gonna do a mic switch. Yeah, we need a mic switch. Oh my god Fucking COVID's got nothing on this fucking guy. Dude, that is for those of you listening to the podcast and for those of you in The back of the room. Let me just tell you this is one of the most Unbelievable fucking cold swords I've ever seen in my life. I swear to god I thought you were gonna say like uh, what are the punch in the face? No a uh, what are they called the cleft lip or whatever? Yeah, totally find out that that is a cold sore is fucking shocking. Can I make it gayer? No, stop. You're not funny Montana. I thought I wasn't gonna try to be funny. We know Montana

We know you weren't gonna try to be funny very evident I thought you were fishing and the and the hook got stuck on your lip That looks bad, dude Montana. Where did you meet the girl that gave you that? What happened Montana? I was gonna say I was gonna make it gayer and just help you shit on me I just did a two-day CrossFit competition as gay as that is super stressed. No one asked you about that Oh, sorry. That's how I was telling you I got the cold sore from For you that stress does not cause that cold sore, buddy I got bad news for you homie

So did you have other do you so those jokes about having STDs is pretty true to you? Unfortunately, yeah, how is that happening to you in a city with 40,000 people? How? Oh, we the whores are rampant there. They're rampant up in the northwest. They go crazy, don't they? Paul like I've been hated listen and ever since this Tate stuff came out people like you're just following Tate because you hate whores Like I've been hating whores since Tate was kickboxing and like I've been having problems with them since tonight Oh my god, you are like a you are like a weird fucking public incel or something like this. This is so bizarre Call of Duty chapter room. It's so weird. You're like you're like anti-women But like you have a giant cold sore on your face like it's just opposite of everything that nothing makes sense

What do you do for a living? I'm a fireman up in Montana. Oh, oh shit. He's a hero. Oh my god Oh my god, oh my god firefighter. Yeah, unfortunately, I was hoping that the next fire can burn this off my face So I can live this one down, but it doesn't look like it. When do you go back to Montana? May 17th God damn it. Yeah, I'm sorry It should be sooner Wow, we can we got we got Joe Rogan security. We can escort you to the airport later if you Right, we got some security around right now Montana any special skills or talents anything that you're good at? I really thought it was stand-up and I just got informed. It's not. It's not. No, is there anything else?

Nothing at all. I do speeches at high schools. I should probably stick to that You're going to high schools with a lip like that They're hiring you. What are you giving speeches about? Don't you don't want to end up like me kids? Montana put the mic back in the mic stand get the fuck out of here. Here's a little joke book. Here you can catch STDs But can you catch a joke book? Grab a gel blaster over there and try to shoot that thing off your face later Is there any left? Yeah, grab a gel blaster. You deserve it What do we do with the microphone? We are doing anything to do a mic switch right now. This is how it happens

Yoni Yoni The great powerful Yoni everybody best barbecue show All right, your final bucket full of the night ladies and gentlemen performing on a nice clean sanitized mic This is Davey Jackson everybody Davey Jackson Come on one more time for Davey everyone What's up y'all? Hey, I don't know if you can tell by how tight my pants are but I was a weird kid growing up Yeah, I was a strange awkward isolated kid so I got bullied a lot in school I was actually brutally bullied all throughout school but I was also homeschooled so

That was mostly just my mom you know Come downstairs for school in the morning she's like nice pants you fucking nerd it's like okay mom Thought we said we weren't gonna say that anymore Being homeschooled was okay though there were some good parts about being homeschooled very few school shootings so that was a plus Almost made up for how awkward my prom was I had to promposal my sister That was weird because she turned me down Like you bitch

My brother was hotter y'all I don't know Davey Jackson ladies and gentlemen coming in I just want to say this polar opposite of the last piece of shit you know what I'm saying Like you could have just said hello and we would have been like thank you Yeah it was amazing I actually enjoyed it Oh there you go perfect Did you get that at school?

Hell yeah Eric Griffin My dad was a cool guy I love it So Davey let's talk about it how long you been doing stand up About four years Four years we're at San Antonio San Antonio

Very cool that's where you're born and raised No but I've lived there for like 15 years What made you move to San Antonio Getting away from the northeast Where were you in the northeast Boston Yeah boom And what do you do for a living in San Antonio

I mean mostly you know just kind of sell drugs a little bit But stand up stand up Wow what kind of drugs are we talking about Pills Wow Pills Okay is business going good Business is booming y'all

Can you give us a ballpark a ballpark of how much you're making like a year selling drugs Oh a year I thought you were going to say a week Either one will work Like I would say like a good 150,000 a year That's good wow look at you Yeah Do you get your pills from Brownsville down close to the border Oh I don't know where they come from Pauly

I don't ask They don't sell That's where the best pills come from Wow Yeah close to the border of Brownsville Yeah I mean most of those have fentanyl in them so I don't know if we want to do that I like fentanyl it's cool Yeah

Pauly has an increased tolerance for fentanyl I love it Davey Davey Davey So you ever get in trouble selling drugs or you seem like you would be an unsuspecting drug dealer They're probably looking for people Because of white? Yeah Yeah no I've never gotten arrested Right

Never had any issues Right I mean I've gotten like I've gotten my car tossed a couple times but that's about it Right Like get pulled over and they just pull all your stuff out of your car Right but they never caught you No

No How's that possible where do you hide the pills Yeah Red band come on I mean it is called a prison pocket for a reason Wow That's how you get rid of it a lot That's a pro tip y'all

That's free So are we talking Xanax mostly Xanax You got Xanies in your fannies dude I feel like we need to swap mics again What? We gotta swap mics again I love it

Okay What's your love life like You seem like a real good looking dude Thank you Tony I appreciate that I mean not that good looking But go ahead Alright

No love life is pretty good Love life is good I go on a lot of bad dates I actually I just broke up with a girl Yeah So that was kind of rough How long were you with her

Three months And can you describe to us how you broke up with her Did you have a specific method Or is there something that you said Did you do it via text No, no, no I'm a gentleman I did it in person Jesus Christ Right

So like let's go through it Pretend like I'm her What did you say Look me in my eyes If you're gonna break up with me Okay Babe you know I love strippers And I love you

She was a stripper Oh okay But I just can't do this anymore Was her name strawberry It's actually Candace Wow Candace yeah It's not you it's me

Oh And all these horse Wow And what did she say when you broke up with her Oh it was actually kind of a weird breakup Because she told me that we weren't breaking up Like Ooh

Yeah And I didn't know what to say What did you say to that I had no idea what to say That's a tough one She just goes nope That's not gonna happen We're not doing that

And then what happened We did we still did But I mean I've been I do date a lot of strippers And I've been stabbed before So it was kind of like Whoa I was nervous dude

Like you don't know what's gonna happen When you got stabbed What happened there What was going on Was it the stripper Was it her ex boyfriend No it was the stripper Okay so give us a play by play

Yeah Are you at the club Are you at your place her place No my place Yeah I was I was smacked out Smacked out Can you Yeah

I'm a little bit of a Pauly I'm actually the one that said that Well I know what he's talking about Because San Antonio's got all the bitches That stab you I know what you're saying bro They really do

I know I got stabbed before There too by some strippers That's what I'm saying So he's right It happens dude He's right It's just they're gnarly bro It's by Brownsville

They love knives dude They love it Oh she was Latina Yeah dude San Antonio Okay Was the girl that stabbed you Latina as well Yes of course

Wait hold on is this Spanish You're speaking They call him Pinche Pauly That's what they call him In San Antonio Okay Davey let's go back to Your your place What happens

Let's go through the stabbing Yeah so she she went through my phone And I couldn't stop her Because I was you know Like kind of passed out Right And I woke up and my I was stuck to my sheets

I woke up and I was stuck to my sheets And I thought like I don't know what I thought But I like pulled the sheets away And immediately started gushing blood Oh fuck She stabbed you when you were passed out Yeah dude

Oh my god And she stayed She stayed she was there In bed with me And I was like Why am I bleeding What happened And she was like

Oh you got cut Yeah clear Clearly I got cut What happened And she was like Well I stabbed you And then you were like Why

Yeah well yeah Yeah okay Yeah keep going keep going I mean I pretty much knew What had happened You know Right I knew I deserved it

This is why This is why your phone passcode Should not be 6969 You don't have to tell everyone that Tony It's actually 4269 so Oh wow Incredible So you went to the hospital

No What you do you just You can't go to the hospital for that Can we see the stab when I think you're a fucking liar Oh shit He pulls it straight up That's a tattoo of a chick

Dude what are you talking about On the top of a knife Jesus Pauly It's like right up in here Can you see it up in here It's a little hairline right up in here Oh shit Pauly's looking for the evidence over here

Pauly's pulling an OJ Simpson He's like that's not it No this is the worst version of CSI Miami right here Pauly like Law and Order STI over here It was a butter knife Pauly It was a butter knife

Alright Davey well congratulations You had a good set I'm gonna give you a big joke book And you're gonna leave here with I do believe a gel blaster Right behind you over there Yup There you go

This way you have something To defend yourself against strippers If they ever try to get you We've come to that part of the show Where there's only one person That could possibly put a ribbon On a great great gift like this This fucking guy

All over the road with me With Rogan With Segura With Duncan Trussell With me lining his own sold out shows He started here over five years ago He has the record all time For most appearances on the show

Longest time being a regular on the show He holds every single record He's a freak of nature A monster of sorts The Memphis Strangler The Big Red Machine This is William Montgomery

Oh my goodness This week a Vermont school stated They will start using the term Person who produces sperm Instead of boy Which honestly doesn't bother me Imagine being a Japanese tourist Walking into a subway thinking

Well it's nice they have sandwiches But I need to get to 42nd and Broadway So I'm coming out with an updated sequel To the classic film You've got mail But in this one the girl has transitioned Into a man And it's called

You've got mail genitalia Jeffrey Epstein's private calendar Has just been released And it's a real who's who of perverts From current CIA director William Burns to professor Noam Chonsky But for me the strangest name

That keeps showing up in the calendar Apex Twin And also Tony I got a brand new dog yesterday A sweet six month old Longyear Chihuahua Gator I love her so much And Tony I've been having a pretty hard time recently

So I made a song just kind of in celebration Of Gator It's just sort of a celebratory type of song So I would like to play it for you if you don't mind I would love that We're going to hear a song from the great William Montgomery And Eric why don't you put your mic on that speaker there

So that that picks up And then William you have your Oh you're putting it back there Okay Music Music Music Music

Music Music Wow Applause I practiced that shit All fucking night last night She's got a half a standing ovation here in the room Applause

William is a true artist Look at that Applause Oh my goodness It wasn't that good I knew it wasn't that good! No, it was really good. Stop butchering it, please.

Stop butchering it, please. I'm not kidding. I just got a brand new fucking dog, dude. Don't stop butchering it. God, and what is that hat you're wearing? You wrote a song, does it have any words? I don't know. I got a sweet little dog yesterday, yesterday.

Sweet little doggy. I got a sweet little dog yesterday, yesterday. I got a sweet little dog yesterday, yesterday. I got a sweet little dog yesterday, a sweet little dog yesterday. I got a sweet little dog yesterday, yesterday. Wow, I mean, a whole new level, the Big Red Machine. Eric, what do you have to say about this fucking freak of nature? Listen, man, I gotta tell you, from where you were to where you are now,

I couldn't be more proud of you, you are fucking hilarious. You brought up the podcast again every time I see you. Yeah, because you were a fucking drunk man. Okay, well, you were very nice to me, piece of shit. I didn't forget. Pauly Shore. You're also being a little mean. Pauly Shore.

I watch it sometimes. Pauly, you've been seeing all the greats in comedy. You were born, bred, raised at the comedy store. Who does William remind you of? You've seen a lot, you've seen literally everybody over the past fucking, what, four decades? Five decades, you've been watching everyone. It definitely reminds me of a guy that lives in a fucking van, for sure.

Yeah. You know, like a guy that would live in a van, but not jokingly, but for real. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But no, he's very similar to Hans, David Lucas. All your guys are great out here.

I love coming out here to Austin every couple months and seeing how great these guys have developed. I fell in love with him the second I met him a while ago. And I'm gonna be in your new movie, right? Guest House 2, right, Eric? Wait, there's a Guest House 2? Yeah. Yeah, like his sharks, it's during of.

No, no, he's fantastic, of course. When I asked who he reminds you of, I wasn't expecting Hans and David to be the ones. I mean, I thought you were going to pull out some of that. I like Ollie, Andy Kaufman or something like that, but I guess he's like Hans. I like Hans and David. That's a sweet response.

I like that response. Absolutely. Thank you, Pauly. Absolutely. Piece of shit. What the fuck? Holy shit! You really got a, you really got a dog yesterday?

Yes. Wow. She doodooed for the first time earlier. Uh-oh. Yeah, starting to get scared. I've never had an animal of my own and she hadn't doodooed and it's like, when do they do that? I was having to feed her out of my hand

and she's not chitting and I'm getting worried and I'm calling 911 and... Wow. Ambulance showed up. I mean... Wow. Yeah, it was... Yeah.

And then what happened? They tried to get her... They tried to get her from me because they actually saw... I have about eight of these puppies in my bathtub right now. I'm going to start selling little, sweet, long-eared Chihuahua. So if you actually need one, I have eight of them in my bathtub. You have eight little puppies in your bathtub? Yeah, I went crazy.

Do you have a song about that? Yeah, about the ones I have in my bathtub. Yeah, the eight little puppies in the bathtub? Yeah, yeah, let's hear it. All right, here's a... To close this out, here's a song from William Montgomery. I'm going to a... In the bathtub.

I have eight dogs in my bathtub. I have eight in my bathtub. In my bathtub. In my bathtub. I have eight dogs in my bathtub. William Montgomery, the machine... He's big. He's red. He's the big red machine.

In my bathtub. What a fun episode, huh? Make some noise for our guests. Paulie Shore and Eric Griffin. Paulie Shore and the Crusties, the new album available all where music can be found. Eric Griffin with his great podcast. I've done many times. Griffin with Griffin.

Come on, one more time for our guests, everybody. Comedy store royalty. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Gel Blaster, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Paul Deemer, Michael Gonzalez, D-Madness, Matt Muelig, and Eli Menezes. I have the biggest stand-up comedy theater tour of my life coming up from August to December. Toronto, Detroit, San Antonio, Chicago, Charlotte, Atlanta, Columbus, Kansas City,

Indianapolis, Philadelphia, D.C., Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Youngstown, Ohio, Cincinnati, San Francisco, Sacramento, San Diego, Phoenix, New York, New York, Tampa, and Jacksonville. All massive theaters August to December. Come see me live doing all the stand-up that I've been fucking writing and creating here in Austin with phones locked up. It's some crazy shit. I'm very excited to share it. Come out to my new comedy club, Sunset Strip, sunsetstripatx.com.

See ya. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. We love you. Go to killmerch.com. Get yourself some cool shit. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Some sweet little dog. Hey, hey, hey. I got a sweet little dog. Yesterday. Yesterday. I got a sweet little dog. Yesterday. Yesterday.

In my bathtub. In my bathtub. Bye. I got a sweet little dog. Yesterday. In my bathtub. In my bathtub. In my bathtub.

In my bathtub. Hey y'all, the new Kill Merch store is up and running at 1,000 miles an hour. It is our official Kill Tony online shop, KillMerch.com T-shirts, hoodies, bonsai made real Texas leather joke books, Kill Tony hats, Kill Tony knit winter hats, beer koozies, bandanas, trucker hats, McVader made posters, some Ryan J. E. Belt Art coming in soon and Kill Tony stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Kill Tony NASCAR shirt, the Kill Tony hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve.

Super cool stuff. We tested all of this out ourselves and made sure that it's very high quality. There's cool, a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything. Anyway, go to KillMerch.com. You know what to do. Support the show. Buy some stuff. Look cool.

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