KILL TONY - #611 - BRIAN HOLTZMAN + IAN EDWARDS

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Brian Holtzman, Ian Edwards, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, John Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/08/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to Killtony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, that has every past episode of Killtony. You could also click on Torridates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can go to that website at SunsetStripATX.com. Come check out the show and say hi.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey all, it's official. We are live streaming the 10 year anniversary episode of the show. For those of you that have been missing episodes going absolutely live or anything can happen, super dangerous stuff. Maybe someone messes up. Maybe someone says a naughty word

You want to try to cancel somebody you want to have fun? You want to feel dangerous? We'll get the live stream of Killtony June 10th 2023 get it now at moment.co slash killtony that's moment.co Killtony that's moment dot CEO slash killton-shirts, hoodies, bones eye made real Texas leather joke books, Killtony hats, Killtony knit winter hats, beer cozies, bandanas, trucker hats, McVader made posters, some Ryan J. E. belt art coming in soon. And Kiltoni stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Kiltoni NASCAR shirt, the Kiltoni hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve. Super cool stuff. We tested all of this out ourself and made sure that it's very high quality.

There's cool, a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything. Anyway, go to Killmurch.com. You know what to do. Support the show. Buy some stuff. Look cool. Tell your friends. You know what's up. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy.

I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. Alright. Hey, this is Redmond. Come to your life from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get out for Tony, Hedge Clare! Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? You be everybody, it's Brian Redban! Oh my goodness, you're at the number one live podcast in the world, nine years and 11 months running. Have a one more time for the best standband in the land, the Killtony band. Brought you by Skruball, peanut butter whiskey. That's the great. Paul Deamer on the horns all the way down there.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. This is Matt Muleing on the electric guitar. And my friend over my shoulder goes by the name of Dee Madness, everyone. Indeed, Killtony brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Gel Blaster, and Scruball Peanut Butter Whiskey. Gel Blaster is available in stores all over the world, and here's a little bit more

from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, all, it's official, it's announced, it's out there. My largest stand-up tour of my entire life. Oh, the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Philadelphia,

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This month and next, be sure to get over to xster.com and use code Killtony for up to 25% off. Is this year's Father's Day sales are kicking off now? That's EKSTER.com promo code Killtony and make sure you never lose your wallet again. That's EKSTER.com promo code Killtony and never lose your wallet again. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what? Every single week two of the funniest comedians on Planet Earth join me on this show This is two veteran guests of the show two guys that have done it many times two guys that I have worked with at the comedy store in Hollywood for 16 years yesterday was my 16 year anniversary being a stand-up comedian The yesterday was my 16 year anniversary being a stand-up comedian. Woo!

Oh, big boy. 16 years I have been brothers with these two men, two of my favorite comedians on Planet Earth. If you know the show, you know they're two of the best guests in the history. Make some fucking noise. It's a wild night, folks. Brian Holtzman and Ian Edwards, everybody. Ian Edwards, visiting from the lovely land of Los Angeles. Make some fucking noise for Brian Holtzman, everybody. Legend of the game. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody.

We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody.

We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody.

We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been everybody. We've been. That is incredible. That's right on the ass. Yeah. Brian Holtzman giving away gifts. How adorable is this? Maybe this will help us get an official Bucky sponsorship. Yeah. All right, wait a second.

Was that a laughing kangaroo I just heard? Yeah. Brian, mother fucking Holtzman, drove here and landed here today from Los Angeles, California. But those of you that don't know, this is one of the true things of late night at the comedy store. It's a guy who's going to change the dynamic of this building because it's going to go much, much later from now on. So it's very, very exciting.

He literally takes shows that have been blown out that the audience has seen everything for five hours and somehow he manages to keep it entertaining after that. Brian Holtzman say hi to these human beings. Hey! Hello! Welcome! You're one of them! And the great Ann Edwards is also joining us. Fresh off of Ann's Hawk, his special Bilbur's comedians to watch, soccer comic rant. Welcome back, Ann. My pleasure, man. It's good to be here, always in Austin.

It's fun as fuck. How y'all doing? Ann is very calm energies, very relaxed, so I mixed him with Brian Holtzman. It's literally like cocaine and cocoa or something like that. One's a hot treat and the other is a fucking thunderstorm. He's trying to doll up the area right now. I'm just decorating.

He's blinking. He's getting comfortable. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. You guys have done the show numerous times. You guys all know how it works. Over 200 souls stand behind us in the alleyway right now, hoping that I pull one of their names out of this bucket. If I do, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted. You know their time

is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. Me and my esteemed guests. It's all improvised. It's all magical It's all gonna happen right in front of us. You guys ready to start this fucking show tonight? Well, we have a tradition here as a late Ever since another very special anniversary coming up the two-year anniversary of my cancellation is next week And two-year anniversary of my cancellation is next week. God. And... That's amazing.

Okay, thank you. That this young man got his full-time job as a regular then, and here he is with another brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise. Sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. DK, DK will be the first comedian on the back of one more time for Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you, guys. It's good to see you guys out there, even though there's a serial killer loose right now in Austin.

He's going after the men, just scary, because we all know men, some of us are men. Not an easy time to be a man, you know, all these women out here carefree running around like a real man. Only word about normal rape and murder. I'm worried about a serial killer. Only word about normal rape and murder. I'm worried about a serial killer. I could be on Netflix in three years. Not an easy time to be a man, that's why I started a booze cruise on Lady Bird Lake to save all the drowning victims.

I got guns, weed, alcohol, anything a man could want on that boat. So far we've saved negative three lives. I'm going on a bit of a killing spray. Yes, good to be in Austin. I can't wait to. All right, thank you. All right. thank you. All right, that cat meowed right when you ran out of material.

Look at that, saved by the cat. Our sweet, sweet, our very own Hans-cam. How are you, Hans? I'm amazing, Tony. A very good 60 seconds consistent laughs throughout, not easy to get a show like this started. High expectations, everybody's been watching your ups and downs in life. We know that you went from broke to rich to heavily addicted to cocaine, trying to get it together. He's riding the wave of fame, selling out shows all around the world.

How do you feel, Hans? I feel great. I just sold out four shows in Seattle. And thank you. You look great, really. The way your muscles just... Are you the serial killer? No, no.

No, I like the way your body fits your head. You do. You do. You have a good shape. Everything is shapely on you. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, you used to give your own haircuts, right?

You used to have like shaved hair. Now it's long and nice. They're growing your hair. They're growing your hair. Thank you. Oh, Kidoki. The hair report with Brian Redban. Very good.

And you've seen Hanz many times before. What do you think about Hanz Kim? I was about to set his pants or his glasses. Let's go one by one here. The glasses work. I think I can see you better through your glasses than you can see out of them. It is true.

Normally, when people put glasses on their eyes, get bigger. You know what I mean? Hans puts them on. He always looks like he's in round 11 of a boxing match. Oh, cut me, Mick. Thank you, Tony. Can you see things good?

Do you think that affects driving? Let's just say that there was a stereotype where Let's just say there was a stereotype where Happy Asian Heritage Month everybody by the way I know I know what an Asian Heritage Month is it's mate Do you think that might be part of the reason why that stereotype exists? I didn't write it, but it exists. I mean, it can't help. I really can't. One of the odds that the race known for bad driving kind of has their eyes kind of more closely. Right? I like how you're trying to get a recancel the week before

your anniversary of you being, why don't you just wait till next week to me? I know, I know, it is weird. It isn't true at the time. I also have a massive theater tour announcement coming tomorrow, it's all like, it all makes too much sense. And that might be the stereotype, that's why everyone says agents are bad drivers because they have small eyes. I think that's a part of it, I think it goes deeper than that.

Tell us your theory. I think we are just OK not being good at something. Hans, mother fucking him. Through and through. Anything else we should get updated about it? What else happened in your personal life this week, Hansi? I threw up in my hotel room on my bed. Ooh, I had a bad chance. Explain to us how that happened. Were you drinking? I was heavily dosed on marijuana from the club owner in Seattle.

It was a lie. It was like 150 milligrams. Oh, it was an animal. Yeah. And I threw up and I missed my flight. But luckily, I'm a fabulously wealthy thing to you guys. So I just bought another plane ticket.

Yep. You've got damn right. Apps of fucking loopy you did. I went to a tree house. My friend from high school has a tree house. It's really sick. Wow. He's in high school.

Very fun. What did you do in the tree house? I was mostly sick because I was high on marijuana. This was the same night. So you did shows and then you went to a tree house Yeah, and why? It seems like you would do that during the day Treehouse at night. Yeah, it was really scary Was it just you and him and two of his other man friends. Oh

Man friends. There you go. So there you go. So, there you go. Why are they recalling all those Korean cars? Could you tell us what the problem is? That's it. Crying, manufacturing, error. You know, we probably made them quickly to make a lot of money, and then we have to call them back. No, don't blow me off.

What the fuck is the problem? The Koreans, they their fucking cars! There's another pandemic in there. We had to take it back so we don't want it to release. Classic Asian walk-around! Walk-around spell, W-OK. Hans, we love you. Every single week you come out guns of blazing it in the show started. Make some fucking...

There you go! Look at that gift! We got some kinchy balls! Oh! A tego box! Again, if you don't pay attention, you're missing out. Brian Holtzman famously brings gifts for everybody. He has them in a bag. I'm guessing he brought that one specifically for Hans. Uh, all right. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna pull a name which will be the

comedian after this comedian. We get them already. It's going to be Arthur Martyrocyan. But now the name that I picked first makes some noise for DK everybody. The Kyltoni I believe debut of. 60 seconds uninterrupted. So how's it going everyone? My name's D.K. and no, that does not stand for Donkey Kong, but I could forgive you for assuming that based on my appearance. So I'm 24 and I'm really proud about the fact that I'm 24 because it means I was born in 1998 and fun fact about 1998 if you did not know, it was one of the last years of production for the straight baby in the US.

So I don't know about you guys but there used to be these things on TV called commercials. And I remember this commercial coming on when I was young. It would go one out of five boys in the US is born with autism. And I don't know where you guys are from, but I'm from this small city called San Bernardino, California. So I would look around the room, 50 people, and I'd be like, there's no way one out of five boys in the US has autism. Nobody in this room has autism.

So then in 2020 during COVID right after Rogan came I made my move to Austin and I saw that same commercial come on in a bar one out of five boys in the US as autism. I looked around in this room a hundred people in this bar and the first thing that came to my mind was way more than one out of five of these packets has all to them. Way more than one out of five of these packets of- D.K. Using all of his time to his advantage, welcome to the show D.K. I'm going to talk to you, you can keep that microphone for a second. How's it going my friend? Good, and yourself?

I'm great. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? So, I've been doing stand-up comedy for approximately a year altogether. I just restarted again four weeks ago when I moved back to Austin. Beautiful. I love it. Ian? How long have you been doing stand-up comedy in shades? Oh.

Since today, when I didn't thought I was going to get picked and drunk four shots before I got on stage. You drunk four shots? Yeah. You want to be a comic? Show us your eyes. Oh, okay. I'll do it. Yeah. Oh, okay, I'll show you your eyes.

Oh, it's like Hans Kim. Oh, shit. It's like Hans Kim meets Lil Kim, all at once. I'm unbelievable. Look at those sweet little tiny. You got smaller eyes than D-Manus. That's incredible. What's going on? Notice he's wearing shades, too. Now, yeah. DK, I love it. What do you on? No, this is Wayne Shades, too.

Now, yeah. DK, I love it. What do you do for a living? Oh, so I'm actually a neurosurgeon now that you're asking. You are a fucking... Bullshit. What? Yeah.

Went to school in 12 years and all that. I don't know why you guys don't believe me. Moe, fuck, you can't see. Oh, man. No. No. But realistically, I work at the Hilton right here, downtown, and in Austin, you don't want

to attach to the Congress on air. Okay, let's keep it with the more realistic answers. Why, you didn't believe NURL surgeon, I don't look like one? You're okay, D.K., stick it out over here, alright? What made you drunk the four shots that you had before coming here tonight? And what part are you like, I'm not getting up, I'm gonna do four shots. Well, I heard I was gonna meet the guy who was paying the live action version of Jimmy Neutron, so you know Is that supposed to be a joke about me? Yeah, definitely

What was a gasoline that you did shots up? What's going on right now? What did you do shots up exactly? Well, I actually drunk a can of four locals and I did three fireballs shot, so. Oh my God. This was cheap liquor, coursing through your veins. I'm a comic. Right. Okie dokie. Wow.

What do you do for fun, DK? Well, give us a fun fact about you. What's your wild side? Clearly, you have a serious drinking problem. When the biggest opportunities of your life, and you decided to go for loco and fireball beforehand, I think it's gone fine. Yeah, wait till you hear it in a couple of weeks.

You're gonna love it. You don't watch the shit sober. It's gonna be like, even the bear was laughing at the end of my set. Okay. And you're originally from San Bernardino, California. That is a meth haven, right? That really, yeah. A lot of white people in Mexicans around you. Oh, we switched over to fentanyl, so, you know.

I got you. Yeah. Uh. Uh. And you've been here for a year. No, I've been here for four weeks. Okay. How do you even know?

LAUGHTER Or you, I'm like... What made you stop, stand up, and then start again? What was the moment where you quit? Well, I didn't quit. I went back home to California, and there's no mics in San Bernardino, so... You know, as you said, Metville, we're more interested in meth down there, so... Yeah.

Hi. Most interesting thing that you've ever done in your entire life, a fun fact about you, perhaps you. So I've done a lot of interesting things in my life. I went to Mexico and got robbed every time I went out there with just fucking crazy. Yeah. That is crazy.

Oh, oh, we lost Brian Holtsman, everybody. No, I'm awake, I'm awake! I'm awake! Are you? Okay, DK, I'm gonna get you out of here. Take a little jokebook, can you catch this? Oh, definitely. All right, here we go.

Oh. And I'm... No, boy, no, DK, with a little jokebook. Come back, come back, I got something for you. Oh, get from Brian Holtsman, here it is. What's it gonna be? Oh, Magnum Condoms. Oh, Magnum Condoms.

Wow. I took a guess, I took a guess. Someone's gonna be jerking up into a condom tonight. Your next comedian goes by the name of Arthur Marteroci and everybody. Arthur Marteroci, and 60 seconds on Interrupt, And I'm going to few things about life. I'm learning that don't ever try to compare a girl to a famous girl if you're trying to win her over and press her. I thought I couldn't lose. I told this girl that she looked exactly like Margot Robbie.

That's a pretty good comparison. She's like, depends which movie and don't say Welfare Wall Street. And then I was like, I was gonna say Welfare Wall Street. So I messed up that one, but the point being, you could go up to any guy, I could go up to Red Band and be like, dude, you look exactly like Loparon James. And he'd be like, thanks, man, I'm from Ohio.

It's pretty similar. My name is Arthur Marteros, you know, Marminians. Clap if you know what an Armenian is. Have you guys ever heard of that? It's not bad. If you don't clap, usually like people in Turkey could hear them clapping because the genocide, but yeah, all right, that's it for me. Thank you. Okay, wow. Arthur, Martyrocene. Now we see why that whole genocide happened. Here I am.

Wow, wow, that was fucking horrible, dude. You may decay, look like Louis CK. Jesus, fucking Christ, dude. How many four locus and fireballs have you done today? Absolutely zero. All right, okay, are there well? Let's fucking talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Well, I used to do stand-up when I was younger and then I Stopped before the pandemic I'm from LA. Okay, then just why don't you just we don't know So you did it for two years,

and then you stopped when the pandemic happened. And then how long have you been back at it? Oh, zero, this is it. This is it, okay, that's good, we can tell. Ian Edwards, what do you think about this? He looks like he just got kicked out of the thunder from down under. I'll take that.

Thank you. He looked like a pool boy that's doing comedy. I was a lifeguard, yeah. You wear a lifeguard. What do you do for work now? Well, I'm trying to be a musician. You're trying to be a musician. That's very far.

So what does that mean? You're trying to be a musician. I do gigs, I do everything, but obviously haven't made a big yet, but. Obviously indeed. Are you a better musician than you are a comedian? I think so. How long have you been playing music?

My whole life. Your whole life. So how long is it? How old are you? 24, 24. 24 years old. What type of music do you do? Well, I moved here because of Stevie Ray Vaughn. Okay, so I play guitar and you sing? Yeah. Really? Do you really? Yeah. Are you sure? Absolutely. Matt Mjolink, what do you think? Should we fucking get this guy a chance right now? I mean, you suck so bad at stand-up that I don't even want to give you the opportunity, but I want to see if you're good at anything. Just stay over there. He'll come over to you. He'll come over to you. Arthur is a...

Oh, I'm a... A high risk... A high risk High risk person Arthur. I believe that goes over your head Arthur He's already coming up with excuses ladies Demand is pissed off profession, uh-oh hold on a second I can play guitar it's okay play something other fucker Jesus Christ stop goofing around play a song sing and play a song

I can do that Aren't there sings something into the fucking microphone? Listen, it's your mouth. Yeah, I would skip with the guitar. Why are you doing comedies? Let's stick with the fucking guitar! Are there sings something into the microphone? I'm telling you it's an instrumentabun. It's my guitar yet to cut off? Yeah, you didn't sing.

Now it's too late now. Aren't there martyrosian everybody? Or is I call them Stevie gave on? There you go. This is a Trojan. This is one with the reservoir at the tip. I think we could do that. Another pack of condoms.

Very popular. Another pack of condoms. Very popular. Another pack of condoms. Arthur, why are you trying stand-up comedy if you're such a gifted musician? You've been doing that your whole life. You didn't stop that during the pandemic. You're God awful at comedy. Thank you. So why are you trying comedy?

Why aren't you getting better at guitar? Oh, no, I'm definitely playing guitar all day, but I just, you know, I play I placed the extreme here all the time and once I saw you guys start picking things up at this club and everything I was like it's a no-brainer for me to. So it's an ego thing. No I'm just it's not a you're like that's all happening over. I'm gonna go show. I'm gonna go. I'm a huge fan of the show I've done it before in LA and then I was like you know what it's a good opportunity to get. You did it in Los Angeles. Yeah yeah. K Kilt Tony. Yeah, I was I had it go then horrible

It wasn't horrible, but it was not good either. I was like, do you think tonight was horrible today was horrible? Oh, okay, good just making sure Yeah, no, no any barometer What I'm not sure how to make it as a comment. There he goes. Arthur Martyrosi in everybody Not trying to make it as a comic those are always the best ones that we have on the show or the peopleian everybody not trying to make it as a comic those are always the best ones that we have on the show or the people that aren't trying to make it all right I'm gonna pull a name and then we're gonna get a regular up here Cooper Patterson's gonna be after your next comedian but your next comedian is a

golden ticket winner out of Toronto Canada ladies and gentlemen he is here live in the flesh one of the greatest golden ticket winner out of Toronto, Canada ladies and gentlemen. He is here, live in the flesh, one of the greatest golden ticket winners ever in the history of the show, from Toronto Canada. It's Jared Nathan, everybody, here he is! I feel weed to go. I'm not the chick after my show in Toronto. Hook up. And she offered me to ride home and told me something was going to give. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, pull on. When we got into her car, I had my eyes closed, expected something awesome. What's going to happen? Then she told me, open my eyes. Then she handed me the interlocking device and said Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Bitch! No, I did!

Yeah! Okay, Jared Newton, everybody. I think I kind of know what went on in that story. I don't. She had a DUI and she made you blow into the thing to start the car. Okay, yeah. That's a story. I caught up there at the end.

Yeah. Uh, yeah. Okay, a lot of I caught up there at the end. Yeah. Uh, yeah. OK. A lot of stutters this one, Jared. What's going on over there? I haven't smoked weed in two days. Why haven't you not smoked weed? I'm trying to keep my head clear.

I'm just finding you. No. Jared, I got bad news for you, homie. I think you might be my only friend that needs it. I just tried, but I'm the client. There's no point in keeping your head clear if the words aren't coming out straight. I went to the buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh- He's telling me to joke. You need a fucking shower, man.

You need a shower. Whoa, what the fuck's that, somebody's coming. I don't know. I'm sorry. Whoa. Is it really racist if it's said by a retarded guy? I don't know. Harning?

I didn't know he could start erasously. You look like you needed a shower. Brian Holtzman. I am, I just love your presentation, your pronunciation. And I mean, I'm not going to say anything that's going to get me in trouble. But I will say, if anybody needs condoms, it's you. This is ecstasy Trojan condomsom and it feels like there's nothing there.

We don't want you reproducing. Thank you, Brian. Holds man. I will try to ignore this. Is that what we're doing here? Are we checking boxes here? Oh yeah. Those condoms are going to be boobah-bad.

Bad to the bone. It's a fucking boner. It's a boner. It's so bad. So, my God. How many boobah-buzz does he need to save before you guys hit a boobah-button in in his bucket? BUBBUBBButt! Okay, very good.

Jared, let me ask you this. You just got a fresh pack of condoms from the Great Brian Holtzman. What are the odds of you using them? What do you think you're going to end up doing with those? You're going to make some BUBBUBBB balloon animals or something? WOOOOO! BUBBUBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB Oh shit. Oh my goodness. Let the record show, by the way, I just had this thought. He is the fourth comedian tonight. He is the first retarded guy on stage,

and he has the best set out of anybody so far. And he bests interview. Oh, he's... Woo! Retarded doesn't mean stupid. That's right. I know, Terry. That's right, I'm stupid. Yeah.

I'm the one that invites you back anytime you want. I know. So what's been going on this week? Anything interesting in Austin, Texas? We know you get around. We frequent the same coffee shop. We run into each other a lot. It isn't good food.

That's right. What have you been eating? I just... The end of the smokehouse. Ooh, okay. Good. Yeah. Javvy. Javvy.

Javvy. Yeah, it's um... The hamburger in the brisket. The br- The one? The brisket? The hamburger. I love you, But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, Nick Devlin is going to be after your next comedian, Nick Devlin is after the name that I pulled before this, which is Cooper Patterson, everybody, 60 seconds uninterrupted to Cooper

Patterson, everyone. Cooper Patterson, we don't have a Cooper Patterson loaded up. There he is. Cooper Patterson, everybody. Hi, it's always born with a hearing loss and I wear these cochlear implants and okay, it's not the worst but it's not the best. But one of the best perks is that I have Bluetooth in my hearing aids. So I can listen to music wherever I go. It's like I have AirPods on, but I don't look like a douchebag.

So it's a nice perk. And also, if I want to get out of a conversation, I can just say, oh no, my hearing battery died and walk away from you. It's nice. And I think out of all the disabilities, my journey battery died and walk away from you. It's nice. And I think out of all the disabilities, hearing loss is the best. I don't know about blind people besides playing the piano and face. Is that good enough? Okay, he's ending it five seconds early.

Alright, Zelegaet, is that come along with hearing loss? The sense of timing as well? Alright, welcome to the show Cooper Patterson. How are you, my friend? I'm good. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? About five years now. Where at?

Iowa. And then I just recently moved to Dallas on Thursday. Oh, congratulations. Why'd you pick Dallas? They gave me a job in Dallas. What's the job that they gave you in Dallas? A camera operator for a company called GoToTeam. Oh, OK, you just gave him a little shot out there.

Shuttle. Yeah, you already did. You did, you did it. Good day. Okay, Cooper. Very, very fun. What do you guys think about Cooper Patterson, Brian? Woo!

Woo! Woo! First of all, I like the way your t-shirt just hangs. Right, folks? Do, does the company you work for, do they get a tax credit? Because you have a hearing aid sticking out of your skull? Do you think it...

What's next? There was somebody with a missing leg? What about you? Are there any healthy people in the alley? What is this? What is this? Check it out box! Check it the box, what's this? It's true.

We're more diverse than in NBC's sick home right now. Everybody fucked up. Even a one person who wasn't handicapped was drunk as shit. So as everybody is fucked up, I was just thinking that shit. And the fucked up thing is like when he said, Cooper Patterson, like, whoever I pictured as being Cooper Patterson walked out. It's like the widest guy ever. But the widest name ever, and shit.

Really is. I just sense that your parents are still together. They go to church on Sundays. No. No. No church. They go, they're together, but no church. Right. You have one sister?

Two sisters. That's it, right? Just two sisters, right? One brother. You have a younger brother. They got a little brother. I'm saying that. There he is, too.

Yeah, they have fucked up ears, too. What? You know what? Son of a bitch. There's even one of them on the plate piano or bass guitar. That's true. You made a joke about blind people. Now, de Madness is, it did not fall into death ears with you, said to me. You know what's good about you? You can't even bomb, because you won't even hear yourself having a bad set.

That's true. You could just rationalize it like, oh, I think my hearing aid battery went dead after all my punch lines. Has being death ever been a benefit to you? Does it help you in some ways? Um, it's starting to. Are you one of those guys that was more deaf for a while than the technology caught up? And there's a video with you and your family crying in shit?

Mr. Peace. I wish the family after the good old. But, yeah. Holdsman's trying to do some sign language. Do you understand what he's saying? I think he just described what kind of condoms he's going to give you. Yeah, he described them as medium rare.

OK, Cooper, what's your sex life like? You seem like a real oaky white boy, middle of Iowa. You're probably on a high school sweetheart, right? Nothing like that. You ever been in love? Yeah, you have how did that go for you? Wow

Oh my goodness. How long did it last? About seven months and how did it end? I walked away and moved here. Oh my goodness, you left her in Iowa? Yeah, but it's mutual. Doesn't sound mutual. She called you back, but you couldn't hear it. You death motherfucker! He thinks they broke up. She said, I love you.

Yeah. Cooper, Cooper, Cooper. Tonight is a handicaps. The handicaps spots are taken tonight. Come on, here tonight at the fellowship. You know the problem come out here, I'm leaving. Geez, there's more freaks on this show than it fucks. A problem. Holy shit, it's like carnival kiltonia.

It is a little bit of a freak show. Cooper, do you have any special skills or talents other than being a stand-up comedian? I know I had a cook more than other white people. I know that. All right. What about the blacks? It's okay, we figured out earlier, retards can't be racist, so... I'm a straight white male with a hearing loss on my minority and my majority at the same

time. How are you? 26. 26. Wow. I thought you were younger. But you have the hearing of a 98-year-old. Yes.

I was born with the soul of a 98-year-old man, I think. What do you say, though? Give us an example of why you think you have an old soul. When I was in elementary school, I went up to the adult in the cafeteria to tell the kids to be quiet. Oh shit. Why? You couldn't fucking hear him? What is going on here? I think he's pulling her. Oh my God.

That is pretty crazy, that of all the things. Get him out, get him out, get him out. Cooper, here's a little joke, but catch that. Oh Jesus, the rough night for the catches. Pick it up, where to go. Oh, he just swatted it to the ground. Zero catches tonight by the comedian. It's a very, very odd, odd statistic tonight.

You're gonna get a gift from the Grey Brian Holtsman. I'm gonna give you the ultra ripped because you see like a dicey deaf guy. There he goes, Cooper Patterson, everybody. On to the next one we go. Punish it, man, good to work with. Yeah. It's a good time for us to mention that if you guys want to add some excitement to watching sports, then download our favorite app, Prize Fix.

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and I believe it or not made a bunch of money. It's actually pretty fucking crazy. I did, I bet on, that Curtis Flades would be less than two takedowns and Montel Jackson be less one than 1.5. I'm at $180 this week Clayton Kershaw pitched more than 5.5 strikeouts. I want $120 doing that. So go download the prize picks app immediately.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Nick Dablin everybody. Nick Dablin makes some noise for Nick everyone. You guys having any fucking fun tonight huh? Don't worry, I'm not disabled I don't think I'm a good person, but I'm definitely a better person than my dad If you know what I mean like he called me the other day and he goes hey son, you know, I'm not a better person than my dad. If you know what I mean, like he called me the other day and he goes, hey son, you know I'm not sexist, right? I said, nope, that's news to me, dad.

He goes, well I'm just saying, because being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women. Okay. All right, dad, let's back pedal. I think this is a sign that you are sexist. I mean either this or the fact that the electric fence outside is for mom, not the dog, right? He's homophobic too. It's a pretty misleading word, isn't it homophobic?

That sounds like that would be awesome, doesn't it? Just as much people, just genuinely afraid of gay people. Not even in a sexual way, just like genuinely afraid to their lives. Like when they were children, they went running to their parents room in the middle of the night because they thought Freddie Mercury was in the closet. Mom, he's doing the vibrato again. Okay, that's it guys. Thank you. I'm Nick Dabble. I appreciate it. Nick Dabble. Wow. Again, the more handicapped the person is, the better they do tonight. It is incredible.

This is an anomaly. Love that you came on bragged about not being handicapped and this is eight-a-pile a shit for 60 seconds straight. Don't worry, I'm not one of those freaks. Oh, god, yeah. I just suck. How long you been doing stand-up, Nick? A year.

A year, we're out here? No, I'm from Massachusetts. OK, I just moved here. What do you do for a living? I do administrative work for a genetics laboratory in Germany. Oh, that's where the great sense of humor comes from. Nothing funnier than your local administrator. Yeah, really, really.

What made you want to get into comedy? It's just something to do. You know, like, I don't know. Yeah, little fucking throw away hobby. Don't put any effort into it. Things no talent whatsoever. You don't have to be naturally good at it. You don't need to work at it. You don't need to try it all, obviously. Just something to do. It's fucking something to do. Like walking in a park. It's like nothing, huh? You son of a bitch. How bear you disrespect such a beautiful art form. What else do you do that's something to do that you like to do? People know me is like the backpacking guy. Oh, they know what they do. Oh, that's the backpacking guy.

Explain that that people know you as the backpacking guy. So I've done over 5,000 miles of wilderness backpacking, so it's like a hill. Wow, that's great. I don't like it. Let's just hike into nowhere and then it's come back and tell everybody about it. I think we found a serial killer who's been killing all the time. Yeah, this is it. No doubt about it. Have you ever thought about murdering somebody? No. Most definitely a couple times. Yeah, like give us an example of that. Oh God. I would really like to murder my co-worker. There's two of us who do my job in

a country and she's nice. She sucks at her job and it makes me upset. Wow. I think we actually found a serial killer. I thought we were gonna have a compelling interview and it looks like we're actually found a serial killer. I thought we were gonna have a compelling interview and it looks like we're actually solving a crime right now. I came out here dressed like Dexter. Yeah. Yeah. Are there corpses in these backpacks?

There might be a couple. What's your love life like, Nick? You seem fucking frightening. Yeah. You seem like the kind of guy that just stays awake and stares at the girl after she falls asleep. A lot of sniffing perhaps you're doing a lot of sniffing to the sleeping person. I do have a really good nose. Nice.

Nope, nope, nope, nope. I don't know. Yeah, it's not good. It's really not. I don't think I have the time for a relationship, to be honest. No, because you're up in the woods like a jacket. There's far away from dating as possible, I don't care. So like give us an example, the last girl you were with,

what goes on there? It's like a one night stand, were you in a relationship for a while? Yeah, so I got to Austin and I went on hinge. Uh huh. And I met a girl who's from Bastrop. Oh, okay. That should have been easy.

Yeah. It was pretty easy. So what happened? Give us a rundown of your date. Where do you meet or where do you go? What's the plan? So we went to a place called Klicks in East Riverside. Okay, what's Klicks?

It's a pool bar. Okay. It's part of a woman's body below the belly button. At least you could find that Klicks. The GPS will take you there. Okay. So you go to Clix, you're at a pool bar, right? And then what happens, Nick? Yes. We got like two games in and then we went back to my place and watched Batman.

Okay, which version of Batman did you watch? Are we talking about Michael Keaton, perhaps? We're talking about the Dark Knight. Oh, no. She hadn't seen it, so. Oh, no. She hadn't seen it so. Oh, no. OK, so how far in do you make it? And then she looks at you and goes,

why so serious? Oh, no. Oh. She's just staring at her like that. So what goes on? What part of the movie does the magic happen? I think like 40 minutes and that's when we were like... And that's when you kill her? Yeah, I was like, yeah, I'll fuck you first but then yeah, it's gonna... Dang it.

Man, we don't even believe you can get laid after you murder her. That's gonna... There he is. Oh. Damn. We don't even believe you can get laid after you murder her. Yeah. So, let me get this straight. You have no disabilities whatsoever. Oh, you can hear us. You can see us. You can smell us.

You have no problems downstairs. You don't have any blasphemy bags or anything. I'm going to give you since ultra thin. These are ultra thin because you look like somebody you really would like it to be ultra thin. That's true. And you get a little jokebook. Let's see if you can break the streak of non-catches tonight. Here we go.

There you go. There he goes. Nick Devlin, everybody. Wild, wild line up tonight. We're going to get one of our regulars up here. I'm going to pull a name. Cody Swindell will be next. But it's that time, ladies and gentlemen.

One of our great regulars. One of the great roasters. One of the great writers. One of the great performers., one of the great roasters, one of the great writers, one of the great performers, crushing all around the world. Hilt Tony's very own, David Motherfucking Lucas everybody. Yeah. I think that gay guys and trans men were born from C-sections. I really do because like if you were born natural then your first interaction in life was eating pussy.

You know what I was born I was eating my mama pussy. Like that's why I love my mom more than I love my dad, you know? Like I love my mom's pussy bro I did. Like I love my mom's pussy so much I was crying that they took me out of it. I'm like, I'm like, hey man, put me back in this stanky motherfucking man. I'm like, I'm like, hey man, put me back in this stanky motherfucking man. I'm like,

hey man, put me back in this stanky motherfucking motherfucking man. I'm like, hey man, put me back in this stanky motherfucking motherfucking man. I'm like, hey man, put me back in this stanky motherfucking man. I'm like, hey man, put me back in this stanky motherfucking man. I'm like seeing that shit? Girls get birth control, they arm. Like, that shit is weird as fuck. It's like, I don't trust that birth control in your arm, bitch. That shit is too far from your pussy, huh?

That's like me putting a condom on top of my head. Like, what the fuck are we doing? All right, that is what's happening, baby. Wow, powerful. The one and only. David Lucas. Add it again. Absolutely incredible as always.

Unstoppable force. That nigga ugly boy, that motherfucker. I think an ear look like the Ebola virus. That nigga. Yeah. If you look at our microscope and see Ebola, you see a picture of ear that's there. Man, get your motherfucking dark skin.

My hot ma ganya looking at ass and potted her. For 75-s in a day, you can feed this nigga, boy. You think you're this nigga? Master splinter, look at ass nigga, what? What your turtles at? They get the fuck about here. They think you're living a mansion. Let's see what you're doing. You don't want it to get none in. you don't want me to get none in.

Okay, go ahead, bro. You scared for the fucker. You the big scared motherfucker. Go ahead, dude. You do your daughters here and you're here the same way, man. I'm gonna try to pile it on me and not give me a chance. You asshole. Bro, you're asking me like a Creole mosquito.

I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God.

I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God.

I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I ass down, but we take you so well, man.

Shut up while I take you to Vulcan, nigga. I ain't this thing addressed like Bruce Lee going to a funeral boy, yo, that flower got awarded if you squirted, that flower you can squirt award out of, I think. Mom is out. Oh! Oh! She booed! She booed!

You are your way to being Joe Biden, nigga. You better come down. You ain't got no money, nigga. They gonna put you in a home. You are, you are your way to being Joe Biden, nigga. You better come down. You ain't got no money, nigga. They gonna put you in the home. You better, you better settle down, brother.

You two oughta be doing them outburst, nigga, alright? I'm gonna go out on a limb and I'm gonna presume that he's gonna use the magnum condoms. I don't use no condoms. He doesn't use any condoms. I got three kids. Yeah, he's got three kids, some three different baby mamas.

So, so long drive to California, you better not knock anybody off my friend. He lives here and he doesn't use condoms. A bear backer. He's a bear backer. He's a bear, he's a bear backer. We've had backpackers and bear backers up here today. Oh, you go crazy up here. Where are we, what the fuck, why are you?

You got to take the fucking condom. You got to start buying them suits from the car wash, nigga. You know what? I'm a fucking, the Mexicans caught you coming, nigga. My friend, my friend, you wanna zoot? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha I'm gonna be a blood, he got a pile of blood every night for he go to sleep. Did your gym burn down? That's evidently he doesn't give a fuck out fat, he did. Ryan holds him with one of what could be one of the best He doesn't give a fuck out fat, he did. He did. He did.

Woo. Ryan holds him with one of what could be one of the best road strokes I've ever heard before. That's funny, and this thing is. This thing is, like, he set the gym on fire. He did. He did your gym burn down. I want my buddy, baby.

Ian, you look like you get dialysis for fun. Niggas get your butt. Put your butt in the ass out of here, bro. Bad blood, half of the ass nigga. You better not walk by a steakhouse. They'll sell you, nigga. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Hey. Hey. He tries to sell plasma. And they say, we got enough plasma. You got to ensure under the table, nigga, shut your mouth. Shut my fucking gerritol taking the ass up, nigga. You need some fiber with your beard a night, mother fucker. What?

David Lucas, absolutely on fire. That was a mate. Did you, did you, Jim? Unbelievable. That's one of the best roads, did you, Jim? Unbelievable. That's one of the best roads I've ever heard in my life. I agree. It really is. And did you burn it down?

Yeah. The gym, the EAK way burned it. That was a mate. The gym being on fire is the only way you could ever burn a calorie. Tony, you look like it's time for Niggas to go to sleep in a big t-shirt. I actually do. Tony, you look like a time of nigger to go to sleep in a big t-shirt. I actually, I actually do. I have a big t-shirt. With a bowl of popcorn. What's funny is I was about to say the same thing about you. You actually look like you got to sleep in a much bigger t-shirt

with a bigger bowl of popcorn. You know why? You can't use them but your mother can't. Yeah! Give it to me! Give it to me! Mom, mom is easy! Come on! Your mama fucked Malcolm X and they get shut. Your mama said you're home, you gotta take a ticket. Like at the bakery before you can get in the house.

It's just like Joe Biden, every other sentence makes sense. He only get one every five minutes. What your car's bought is that? It's a puttweet. You look like a Mexican that sells shit in between the cars. David, what else is going on with your life this week? What do you have enough to? Oh shit, man.

You know, just on tour, bro. Y'all make sure you check out the website, DavidLukasCarmy.com, bro. That's it, man. Doing spot- You're fishing shows. Awesome, man. I just want to say that.

That's amazing, bro. Oh, wow. We got to get Tony on it. I got to get host, we got to get in on it. Red, better got to get you on it. I like to do it. Yeah, I like to do it. Yeah. Yeah, I like to do it. Yeah.

You might eat the bait, nigga, I don't fucking... It's out of my bitch! Hi! Yeah, but it's amazing, man. We got some big guests coming up, dawg. You know what I'm saying? Just trying to... I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna wear my big t-shirt and bring some...

Of course. Tony, gonna sit on the pole. Yeah, I will. I will. Put the worm in my the pole. Yeah, I will. I will. Put the worm in my ass. Yeah. That's right. Tony, you just go to the lake and fart in the water

and fish the outcome. Ha, ha, ha. How do you know that? I know. That's actually how I get a warm fish. You speak echo location in your ass. Wait, what? You communicate with an orc if you go in the ocean. You're my? You communicate with Orca if you go into ocean.

You're my farting. You're telling me that out of me and you, I'm the one communicating with Orcas. Are you fucking kidding me, dude? When an Orcas sees you in the ocean, it swims to the other side. All right, David. and it swims to the other side. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER All right, David, you're...

Hold on, hold some hands on me. All right. I just think that, you know, we care about you and we want you to maybe skip food tomorrow and eat again. Eat again on Wednesday. How's that? LAUGHTER It gives a fucking house. This thing will help crazy. That's that? He's so fucking house! This thing will hit crazy.

That's it. David, you're the man. You did it again. Check out his tour. It's all happening. So much fun. We have another comedian lined up. And after that, we'll be Doc Ferry.

Doc Ferry will be after your next comedian. But your next comedian pulled out of the bucket for your hands together. Bercotee Swindell, everyone. Cody Swindell. The new merch store is open. Hillmerch.com. And it's absolutely thriving.

Get the things before they sell out. One more time, Bercotee Swindell, everyone. Woo! Woo! So when I was growing up, my family wasn't really poor. We were just poor enough to be jealous. You know, like I remember I'd be at a buddy's house. He'd say some rich stuff to piss me off.

He'd be like, hey man, let's go play in the entertainment room. What the hell do you mean entertainment room, you know? Like my house, we just got to have fun throughout the house. We don't have the finances to isolate our entertainment. It's not really in the budget. Used to get jealous, said a lot of weird stuff. I remember I was at school one day, one of my buddies came up to me and my friends

and he lifted up his shirt. Showed us he had this real nasty bruise on his side. We all got worried for him and everything, but he said, don't say nothing because my dad pushed me down the stairs. Said, dang, man. Stairs. pushed me down the stairs. I said, dang, man, stairs. So this one is kid bragging about having two floors, man. Like, kids living in a house on top of a house.

He's complaining about a bruise, you know. Oh, my God. Woo! Woo! A wonderful performance. Cody Swindell, welcome to the fold. This is your first time on the show, correct? My first time doing comedy was on Killtoni in 2019. Wow. Plain.

But I didn't do my... In the main room of a comedy store. At, and Killtoni Plano. You came to Dallas. Oh, we were in Plano, Texas. How'd that go for you? Not well. You've been doing it ever since then it took me till after the pandemic to do my ex I've been doing it for like over two years now. Wow, you've been working pretty hard at it. It seems great delivery Well written true to your story true to your form. Thanks man. How poor are we talking? Let's talk about it

Just pouring up to be jealous man. Just for incredible What kind of card did your your parents were together single mom? No, I had both parents my dad passed away recently, but they he got me a Oh, I had a good car my first car. I got me a 98 Mustang. I was totaled before I got it. But it was okay What did your dad do for a living before he passed away? He worked at Yellow Freight. He worked at Union Job, worked at... Yellow Freight?

Yellow Freight. Because you know Bobby Neat? Did he know Bobby Neat? He might, he might. How did he pass away? The big C had cancer. A lot though, he had to be like, five times.

Oh, okay. Is he a smoker? No, no, no, no. Love to hear it. I always love it when people die from cancer. Funny story. That's very funny story. I love to cigarette so much that I worry about that. Holtzman or he's right?

I yell it with cancer, yeah. Funny story. Very funny story. There's father getting sick and dying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I can brought that up. Everybody wants to be. He beat cancer five times. Yeah, the sixth one got up. You know, everybody wants to... He beat Kans of Five Times?

Yeah, the sixth one got him. He beat it like five. Right, you know what they say? You only got to lose to it once. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Five and one is a good record if you're in a championship series. Yeah, but that one?

Woof! Those other five got knocked out. Those other five cancer guys got knocked out. Yeah, like when for the bigger brother or something. Yeah. Let me ask your question. What did you hear or head look like? Come on, man.

Not a smoothest year. So how many rounds of cancer have you had? So how many rounds of cancer have you had? It's chemo boy. Yeah. He had to stick your cancer when I was born. I was born off one ball. Whoa. Look at you. I see that. born. I was born off one ball. Whoa. Yeah, I see that you don't get hair off one ball

Yeah, you can tell Incredible incredible. What do you do for work Cody? I don't work right now. I'm I'm using my GI bill. I was in the Air Force and using my GI bill. I get a housing allowance You're just not working at all not for two years father-like son incredible He's also not working because he's passed away How'd you get a GI bill and you didn't even go to the military like how do you swing that not went? I always say Air Force. I kind of went to the military. Oh, let me ask you so Wow

Even you hear looks better Wow. Even you look better. Like lose the hat. I like this hat. You don't like the hat. It breaks my heart a little bit. It's a whole thing for me. Nobody likes that hat. Did you get that hat after Jenny left you the first time? That thing is stupid. That is a stupid hat.

You did call me Tom Higgs in the first time I was on. Yeah, yeah. I joined the Meechriest Johnson. OK. Why did I say Tom Hanks? Was it a forest gum show? It was a forest gum show. Oh, OK.

And that was a forest gum show. I'm not talking about you. No other reason would I use a Tom Hanks. I was trying to soften it. I was going to say Tom Hanks. OK, dokey. What's your love life like, Cody? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a girl back,

have a couple mountain dudes and My my wife we chug mountain dude daily. I love it. How long you been married? Five years. What does she do fifth year? She's a she manages. She's not a health care worker. She manages health care workers She works with people with cancer about the diet cancer Yeah, right, right. Real fun stuff. Cody, you have any other special skills or talents other than being a comedian? Damn, dude, I'm not that talented.

I'm very thin. I don't know. I'm like, crevices and shit. Oh, wow. How thin are you? How much do you weigh? Down to like 135 now. Down to 135. Guys, calm down. He's came out of one testicle.

Yeah. Doing well. It's always going to weigh 150. I'd like to ask you a question. Did you take any documents home while you were in the service? You're fired? You look like a spy. I can't even look on trustworthy.

What is this joke? You got just a mustache and I'm on trustworthy. He is. Wow. Wow. I've got an honest beard going. That's... I know. All right.

I'm not going to recognize you. I got a distrustworthy face. That sucks, man. Why is the hat sentimental? That's my only question. Good question. It's the only one that fits my white trash head. It's just... It's molded to me now.

Hats are a whole thing. The flat bills don't work. I look like a fucking farmer. Like they sit too high. You think that works? It doesn't work. It just melds with my head. How long have you had the hat for?

Since before I went bald. Sorry, man. We don't, we don't, we don't know exactly when you went bald. But we haven't been following the story. I don't have like a birth certificate for the hat, but I like 10 years probably. 10 fucking years you've been wearing. How many of you think that we should switch out his hat for a new brand spanking new Killtony merch hat?

Yoni, do we have any of these available? Are they around? No. No? Okay, well, looks like you're fucked, buddy. But good news for you. There is a show that happens here at the comedy mothership, every Tuesday night called Bottom of the Barrel, where you can, where all the best comedians that are in town

actually go up on it and you pull premises out and that the audience wrote down before the show and you have to come up with jokes off of those premises. I, if you would like, am booking you on that show tomorrow night. Big Victory, Cody Swindell, and my friend, a big joke book. How about that? From Bones Eye. Thank you, God. A big one, wildly successful.

Please, please, girl. I'll set in. Cody Swindell, on to the next one we go. And Justin Bradford will be after your next comedian, and your next comedian is Doc fairy everyone Doc fairy. Here we go It's moving along hell yeah makes the noise for doc everybody Good evening my name is Doc fairy. I am half Mexican and half hillbilly which means that my Mexican family reunions

It's like a hillbilly dating buffet for me. There's plenty of options and plenty of... Yeah, but I lived in Germany for 11 years. I was married for five of them. And being married to my German ex-wife was like a history lesson in World War II. Now I know how they pulled off the Holocaust. Yeah, they're evil, but efficient. My ex-wife was extra evil, man. I couldn't even take her through a McDonald's drive-through.

I didn't know if she was going to order a happy meal or genocide. But my new career is in comedy now, and so I made a plan. Number one, write good jokes. Number two, get on stage as much as possible. Number three, find a piss-filled alley to stand in where drugs are abundant and my next possible career of homelessness is right at my feet. Thank you, my name's Doc Barry, I appreciate it.

Doc Barry, all right, let's talk about it. Don't put that mic away just so quickly. Throw that mic stand back where it was. Doc, how you doing first of all? Doing good, really good. Okay, how long have you been doing stand up? Between two and three months. Two and three months. So you started here in Austin?

No, I started in San Antonio. Okay, that's where you live. I live in Bernie, Texas. Okay, that's a little bit outside of San Antonio. Middle of the woods. How far from San Antonio is it? About 30 miles. Okay.

And what do you do for a living? I am currently unemployed, but I was in the army for 23 years. Wow. And then I'm not unemployed out of my own choice. But then after that, I contracted in Kabul, Afghanistan as a contract that has a personal security medic for the ambassador and any Congress people or dignitaries that came into there. I did it for eight years.

Very cool. The only reason I quit that job is because I got evacuated at that time. Why did you get evacuated? The Taliban took over. Oh, okay, yeah. That's because you didn't do a good enough job, too. You didn't say it? Maybe you should have fought a little harder instead of giving us an L out there in the dark.

Shit. Okay, dokey. You take any documents home? We don't talk about that. My secret clearance is still good. Craziest thing that you saw fighting overseas, just spill the beans right now to these innocent civilians that you fought hard for so that we could laugh at dirty jokes.

Craziest thing I've seen is... One of your buddies ever get blown up and his eye ball ends up in your mouth or anything. Ever wants to know why. Oki-doki, that other people would laugh at that. Talking about death is kind of... Well, it'd be good on this show then. I was a medic over there, so the worst thing about it is that you don't get to do your job hopefully too often, and then when you did get to work, you kind of got happy

that someone was injured, and it's a bad way to feel, but it is what it is. That's what we practice doing. Okay, very good. You married? I was married three times. Three times? Yeah, wow, look at you. Yeah, that German one was the second one. Okay, what's the third one?

Woo! Latina. Latina? Half, Mexican and half-wise. I could tell. The first one was Mexican, second one was German, third one was Mexican and white. Right. Yeah. She ended up while I was in Afghanistan.

Uh-huh. She was putting herself on Craigslist, personal. Oh hell yeah. And she was having sex with multiple times, you know, with multiple guys at the same time. Yeah. And so I was like, why did you do that? She said, the relationship lost its romance. I was like, what do you want? A fucking romantic gang bang? Yeah. She like, she like, did, Jerry. She like, did.

Jerry, she like, did. Oh. Did you find her out when you were looking for women on the personal? How did you catch her? That was my next question. Well, I knew something was going on, and so I stole her iPod. Her iPod? Her iPod.

Her iPod? Her iPod? Her iPod? iPod. You knew from her playlist of music that she was cheating on you you can figure it out Explain to us what you saw in the iPod you looked at it You her emails are there and so not only did she have like the emails that they're gonna meet up But they had like after-action reviews of the gang bangs get the fuck out of here

You read you read the comments of your own wife's gangbangs? Yeah, holy shit dude. Just to say, mindless the thumbs down. Right, yeah, I bet crying emoji. That's funny. Oh my god, what did the reviews say? I'm sorry. What did the reviews say?

Well, she was complaining because she didn't like that guy because he was sweating all over. And she's's not gonna get the smell off for weeks. Oh my god. It was horrible. What's a screen name? Red ban. Red ban. Red ban.

What is her screen name? I'm kidding. How do you bag something? I'm kidding. All right. Silly babe, something. I'm kidding. All right. So when you found this out, was it a no-brainer? You were done immediately all the way.

It was a no-brainer, so I came back home and found out she was sleeping with a guy that she was working with. So I gave him a call until I had coffee. Oh, shit. Yeah, I just got back from 24 years in the army. Let's have some coffee, old pal. Like I was like, booh, I should not have left that review. Yeah, he was pretty scared.

He was pretty scared. Okay, how did that coffee go? Jesus, this is what I would do anything to watch that fucking video. Come to find out. Hey, you want some cream? Well, I know you want cream in your cup. She's got points.

But yeah, being him got together, I showed them all the emails. He didn't know she had told him that she wasn't married and all this stuff. So we got together. And she was an ex-con. An ex-con. Yeah, she did three years in federal prison.

For what? Inbezzlement. You know how to pick them. I like the excitement. Yeah, she did three years in federal prison for what? For what? You know how to pick them. Yeah. I like the excitement. Yeah. So what now? Are you traumatized from that relationship?

I was. Yeah. But now it's just like, worry about myself. That's right. Don't worry about that shit. Absolutely. You're out here chasing your dreams, living your best life, doing jokes. You got pulled out of the bucket?

Can I give you some advice? Sure. Go Asian. There you go. They don't mind. I will tell you a true story is that she was in the car with me once, and I said something fucked up to her and she goes, I wish you were nicer. And I turned to her and I said, I wish you were nicer. And I turned to her and I said, I wish you were Asian.

Wow. That is. Wow. That could have been the road down. Yeah. I'm going to start it there. You turned her into a whore. I'll take it.

I'll take the blank. Doc Ferry, congratulations. What happened? Oh, condoms, give it to your ex-wife. Congratulations. It's only been doing it a few months. I can't remember exactly how your set went, but here's a medium sized joke, but there's only one. You got it gotta catch it. Boom. Doc Ferry. There he goes, everybody. We have a... Before we get to the next bucket pool, we do have a uh... Another golden ticket winner

is here, ladies and gentlemen. A young man from Houston, Texas that won it five or six years ago. Free Cup nature, this guy is the future of comedy. Make some noise for it and the Rique Chacon, everybody. ["Rique Chacon"] Yaya, yaya, what's up, motherfuckers? I used to get bullied back in eighth grade because I was five, two, two, twelve, so my nickname was Baby and Pornado. And they heard my feelings for it, but at least I was delicious back in eighth grade, because I was five, two, two, 12, so my nickname was Baby and Pannata. And they heard my feelings from her,

but at least I was delicious, dude. You wouldn't wanna fucking have Pannata in two in the morning, bro. So I decided to do something about it, man. I joined the football team. I found 14 other chubby Latino kids, man. We were just naked in the showers with our dicks. I looked like a couple of some boys

learning war dancing song. I was remiss, it was the fitness, bro. Within a week, everybody stopped calling me baby and panatoman. But a few months later, bro, these motherfuckers started calling me aunt eater, y'all. Just because I had a foreskin. And I didn't speak English back then, right?

So I didn't even know what aunt eater was. And they had to show me a picture. And once I looked at the ad-eater, I was like, what? They're not wrong. I think really does look like this. Now every time I see an ad-pop, my nipples get hard, bro, it's ridiculous.

For the most fucked-up thing I ever heard was, like, 10th grade, bro. This girl said she was going to blow me. I was at her house. It was like an 10th grade, bro, this girl said she was gonna blow me. I was at her house. It was like an episode of Discovery Channel, been this bitch from the aunt eater was out, bro. And then she came out of the restroom and she looked at my dick, dude, and she told me that my foreskin looked like ET in the basket.

With the blanket on. Just because I had a foreskin app Just because I had a forced kid because I was undocumented. I was like, bitch, do you even love me? And she looked at me real slow and she was just like, and re-game phone ho. Holy shit. I tried to warn you.

I hear my music. I hear what you did. This boy's coming for everybody's jobs. Holy shit. I'm trying, Brandon. Just as likable as it gets, one of the funniest lesbians in the history of the show. Adorable. Your powerful volume behind the mic.

Physical. Not so powerful You're in adorable creature. How are you again? 26 26 and we met you five years ago So you've been doing this what five six years five years? Credible Wow, I gave you a golden ticket your first year Yeah, it was actually my first time doing comedy when you gave me my Fuck out of here. You might be you might be the only person I ever get the golden ticket on your first time doing stand-up But by the way look how right I was

Pre-good nature killing everywhere from Houston just to the Austin a month ago You're working at a buckies working at a buckies, bro. Shout out to you, dark That's right. Hey, I got good news brother gave me a promotion and buckies. I'll clap it up for me. Oh shit 24 an hour, bro. Wow look at that $24 an hour just for being like He just was standing there. What do they have you doing? Is that is that I'm a greener, but also I'm just a I'm a trainer now. That's the promotion bro I'm a trainer shit you're training the other one so I'm training yeah, but I just got trained a month ago

So you know the blind the blind leading the blind bro. Yeah, yeah, that's the name of deep madness is new album Incredible the teacher the student has become the teacher. There. Incredible. You're out there training, sweating bullets. Oh, a lot, bro. I got aware of a buck he's had to keep the sweat at bay, bro. I bet. It is incredible. Ian Edwards, what do you think about this young buck?

I'm trying to figure out what a buck he's is, you know what I'm saying? You don't know yet? It's the beaver, bro. Oh, shit. It's the beaver, buddy. It's the greatest gas station I'm saying? You don't know yet? That's the fever, bro. Oh shit. It's the fever, buddy. It's the greatest gas station I'm planning to ever build here in Texas. The most undeniably fun and amusing and great food, super, super hospital, literally the greatest gas stations of all time.

Oh, fuck, and I'm going to his bookies after this. Hell yeah. Yeah, what do you think of the restrooms, bro? Oh, the restrooms. You take a shit over there. Oh, the restrooms. You take a shit over there. Buckies, they're unbelievable.

Every time I see people walk into buckets, I'm like, you hear the take a shit, bro. What? I know why you hear, dog. They're very clean. Oh, yeah. And I have. Oh, shit.

Demandist. I've been to a couple of buckets. How do you know, man? Well, yeah. Oh shit demon All of us lights off though Because I know What else is going on in life and I just I just made my Hulu debut, man. That's a comedian, bro. Yeah, thank you, man. Really?

Hulu? What do you got on Hulu? It was a food show called Taste the Nation, bro, with this Indian lady named Padma. All I know is that she has a shark bike on her shoulder. She looks like she's holding her farts all the time, bro. If you were talking about, but yeah, I was just having me hosting and doing all the time, bro. You know, if you were talking about, but yeah, I was just, they had me hosting

and doing a set there, bro, but they cut my fucking set off, bro, so I'm just hosting dog for fuck of dude. It's as seen on Hulu from that one, bro. That's right. That's incredible. 26 years old, you're absolutely thriving. What do you love about Austin? You've been here like a month now.

Oh, bro, fucking six, really. It's crazy as fuck, bro. I saw a dude with blue hair with a python, dude. I don't fucking know why I do that shit, bro. I saw a guy that had a monkey. I saw a support animal, bro, and a buck. He came in, dude. He was weird as fuck.

But yeah, I'm loving Austin, bro. Actually, I'm from Houston. I was living in a town home and I moved to a seven acre property. So I'm kind of like a country virgin right now, man. I'm just trying to. You're out there in the middle of nowhere? Yeah, I'm a 30 minutes away from Austin,

like in a seven acre property, bro. So, do you have an address? Let me see. Yeah. I'll give it to you after the show, dude. I got you. I got you. What made you pick a seven acre property?

Oh, man. I was tired of having neighbors, bro. Like walking around naked around my house, man. And, uh, yeah, look at these freaks over here, bro. But yeah, like, like, living at a town home with all those fucking neighbors in Houston, bro. Every time you heard gunshots, I love the Astros ones and somebody's dead, bro.

So. They were talking to the Astros wins, you get fireworks, right? That's what. The people that don't know. All right. Well, Enrique, you're a freak of nature. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Let's do it the last one. That fucking fucking bro. You know I'm there. Your book, buddy. There you go. It's Golden Ticket winner, reigning defending five-year veteran of Kiltoni. Follow me on a Rika comedy. Love you!

And Rika comedy. There you go. There you go. There you go. All right. Your next comedian pulled out of the bucket. I do believe the final bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Justin Bradford. Everybody. This is it. Justin Bradford, we're gonna meet him together. Make some noise for Justin everybody. Your final bucket bowl of the night. Come on, one more time for Justin everyone.

Oh, my grandparents didn't have a color TV till like three years ago because every time they'd go to the store, they would see a color TV till like three years ago Because every time they'd go to the store they would see the colored TV section. I thought it was only for blacks Imagine a fucking transgender person in the medieval times Just like fucking Excuse me some I pronouns the thine thou how dare just the what be seat just the to misgendamy me some, I pronounce the vine thou, how darest the what-be-seach-es-theathe-Mr. Gendemy. And then they just get their fucking head cut off in the town square.

I don't know if you heard King fucking Andrew, I think, his name Edward. He just got sworn in as King, and he's now getting canceled for talking about his pants too much during his coronation I believe he was quoted as saying I love my black knickers. I love my brown knickers my white knickers. I love all of my knickers He loves pants. Sorry, Ian There you go. Justin Bradford taking some massive risks at the end. Ian Edwards. Do you have a brother?

Yeah. And a dad that died of cancer after the sixth time. Yeah. No, but I get along well with cancer patients. Wow. All right. Wow. All right. Okay.

You're a very interesting looking guy, Justin Bradford. What do you do for a living? I do a film and photo, like film production, head shots, shit like that. Oh, okay. How long have you been doing stand up? This is my first time in English, second time overall. What language was your first time in?

Swahili. OK. You do stand up in the new... Did you do that? Nick has joke in front of the... After. I was wondering. I was wondering.

How about... What's the point of thought of it? Can you give us an example of a joke in Swahili that you did in Swahili? You want Swahili that you didn't Swahili? You want me to say it in English or Swahili? Swahili. I'm not a man. I'm a man. You're killing.

Holdsman knows Swahili and you're getting big laughs out of him. Holdsman fuck yeah. You all don't know what he said, but that shit was funny man. Yeah. That shit was actually French pearl. Okay, Justin, tell us more about you. Why do you look the way you look? Do you cut down trees in a fucking next to the freeway or something like that?

I live in Washington, so it was either lumberjack or transgender. You live like 30 minutes away from Spokane? No, yeah, the capital hill, the guest city you'd fit right in. You live in, factual? Yes, yes. I know, I'm doing a theater there, and November, I'm really looking forward to it. I was gonna have you open for me, but not anymore.

You big dumb, hillbilly, fag, faggot. Ooh, ooh, ooh, a little bleep for the podcasters. Okay, Justin, why do you look the way that you look with the question? I'm coming outcast, I guess. Like, both my parents are pretty tall, but not that that's all. Are you hip? You're a hip guy. You have a record player?

I do. I do. I see it now. Now it's making sense. See at all. You're a big hipster. You have a girlfriend? No.

I had to dump her ass. You dumped her into the lake. Why'd you dump her? How long were you with her and why'd you dump her ass. If you'd run the lake. Why'd you dump her? How long were you with her and why'd you dump her? Like four months. How do I know? I don't know if I want to say this, but I told her it was because I was moving.

I don't really know if I'm moving, but she's just kind of boring, you know? That makes sense. She's just kind of boring. Sometimes it's like that. Sometimes they're boring. You mean in the bedroom or just overall? The bedroom's fine, but I've had better, you know?

Right, she's just boring in person. Yeah. Doesn't excite you at all. Sometimes, but that's not enough, you know, sometimes, you need a lot of stimulation, is that right? Yeah, I love stimulation. I love being so mean. All right know. I love to be so mean.

Justin, you have any other special skills or talents? You good at anything else in life other than photos? I play the didgeridoo. Really? Wow. Any chance you brought one with you? No. No, I thought about it.

Okay. Why do you know Swahili? Matt Meele, who only speaks. He only talks once every two months has a question Why the fuck do you know Swahili? I was I was born in Utah and I was a Mormon missionary in Oh, no. It's raining, man! It's just stupid. All right, Justin. Well, congratulations.

You're a couple months into the game or whatever you said. There's a little jokebook. Good catch. There he goes. Justin Bradford, everyone. These are the ones with the rest. These are the classic with the reservoir at the end. The tip.

There you go. You can go fuck a boring bitch with those condoms, there you go. All right ladies and gentlemen, it has come to that time. There's only one way to end an episode like this, the same way that we end every single episode, every single week for the last five years. This young man came to us, he was a bloated alcohol, like sweating, disgusting, he wasn't making any sense. I

Fell in love with the made-em-a-regular the entire internet said they can't stand them They hate them everybody hated them Every single week he performed a new minute and now everybody fucking loves them an unstoppable force The man who holds the record for the most appearances all time on the show, the most new minutes on the show. The greatest regular perhaps we've ever had in the history of the show. He is the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Str of King Charles this past week, but damn, Princess Diana has an agemuch ashy.

But seriously, King Charles' list of accomplishments is impressive, born, still alive. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is surging in the polls as the preferred candidate to be the next president of the United States. But you know what I fear if he runs for president? I fear for his life, because I don't know if y'all are familiar with the Kennedy family, but... So I'm coming out with an updated sequel to the classic film, Sleepless in Seattle, but in this one, Tom Hanks has transitioned into a a female and it's called Dickless in Seattle.

Y'all been watching Ted Lasso this season? Shit if I wanted to watch a cheesy public service announcement I'd stream the ad counsel. Okay, that's my... William lights out Montgomery. I'm just trying to figure out about those pussy's watching Ted Lassa. I didn't watch Ted Lassa. What was that supposed to mean? I don't know. It need like a soccer coach. And I was just watching it. And I saw something about the ad council. And I was like, well, I don't actually watch Ted Lasso. But let me try to come up with a joke.

And that was it. And it didn't really work. But all right. Yeah. The other jokes did really, really good. A fantastic set. How's life been this week for you? Life has been good.

I got that sweet dog, but I have some sad news, Tony. We had to return her to the people we got her from. Oh my goodness. Tell us why. Last week we find out that you had a sweet, new little dog. It literally kind of looked like you you and it was a big deal. It was the heartfelt story of last week's show. Explain to us why you had to give your brand new sweet little dog back.

Yeah, we had to give it back. I was feeding it a bunch of pizza pastas, different types of macaroni. I was feeding it polenta's I was A bunch of shellfish, but yeah, it got it got really bloated and we just had to take it back I mean, I don't know I overfetted or something, but yeah, it's really sad. It's my first dog Brian Wow, it sounds like you definitely may have overf it overfed the dog and now it's gone and then Oh, you're lucky it didn't die in the house. I know Didn't you famously have a dog that died in the house Brian? No, but my friends said they had a dog once and they gave it a sausage and it went behind the couch and

Parished once and they gave it a sausage and it went behind the couch and perished. Brian hasn't had a dog but a fun fact about Brian Holtzman is that he does believe it or not have a gay son. I don't know if you guys know that. Brian Holtzman has a gay son. How is that similar? I mean you'd be surprised to know. I'm subscribed to his only fans. He has a famously has an own. I have an only fans. I spread my cheeks and show them my bunghole. No, it's talking about your son.

Your son has an only fans. That I'm subscribed to. And he's doing that thing. Come on, come on, come on. But Holtzman, when did you find out how did you find out Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, so young, and no teeth, and just, and he just spun out of my wife's grip and landed right on my crotch. We had an idea that the boy was kind of had that crazy gene, but we weren't sure. You could cut the tension in the room with the tension cutting knife.

Uncle Bob got the video camera, we cleared the table and we would just... So I did whatever any father would have done for their son, I unziped my fly and I pulled out the head of my penis. We wanted to know the truth, we wanted to know what was going to happen. It was a test. And my boy passed a test. He did, I was there, it was actually kind of hot. I've never seen anything like it before. Red Ben was there, but he had took a nap.

Yeah, he was doing a lot of pills at the time. That was a part in Red Ben's life. He was doing Xanax like every day. He was a really bad mess. I was horrible. William. William, tell us more about your week. What was the dog's name again?

Gator. Gator. And now it's back in the middle of nowhere. It's back in the Middle East,. It's back in the middle east actually Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, got it from a nice family in Syria They were breeding these really sweet long-earth Chihuahua's and yeah got it from Syria so she's on the way back Oh, did you how did you how did you send it back to Syria? It's that a flight of FedEx box

I just poked some holes in the side of the but weirdly like an old cartoon Yeah, just poke some holes in the side of the box gave her some fucking Palenta she love Palenta put a little more Palenta in the box and Center on her way a little bowl How much did the dog love Palenta? Oh my Tony? It was the weirdest thing I don't know if you've ever seen a long-eared Chihuahua eat polenta before, but it is one of life's miracles. I mean, Gator, love you! Fucking polenta!

That's literally what makes it so sad. She loved, and now you're laughing, Tony! She fucking loved eating it! Dude! How much did she... And now you're laughing, Tony. She fucking loved eating it. Dude. How much did she... I didn't even want to talk about how much you love fucking eating polenta. And then you're looking at somebody. What's going on?

Do you think you're... Do you think Gator's... I think she's eating polenta right now. I left a shit ton in the box. She's probably eating polenta. I mean, see, I put her on a boat. I mean, it was like a two-week journey back to Syria, dude. Oh my god.

I'm really worried about that, poooge. Dude, yeah, do something with your bitch, man! BOOM! Wait, what, what did you just say to that guy? I don't know what's going on. I'm getting really weird vibes from this couple down here. Whoa. Is it because they're interracial? Once white, once black?

No, it's not that. It's not. It's not. I'm not. It's not. Well, what is it? What's bothering you about that? It's not that.

It kind of seems like it might be it's not an Why does that bother you it doesn't what why would it? It's not doing it dumbass Stop doing it My fucking dogs gone They're not- Don't you tell them you stop! They're never-

They never gonna stop. Oh, what are you doing? William Montgomery, you're an all-star, a rock star, a superstar, make some fucking noise for William Montgomery. We did it again.

Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose Austin Security Guard Service, Jill Blaster, Scruball, Pina Butterwisky, the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. How loud can this place get from my guests, Ian Edwards and Ryan Holtzman, everybody? How about one more time for the band? Here's the drawing from Chris Rogers Art, that's Hans Kemp! One more time for the band Paul Deamer on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The madness on the bass guitar. Matt Muleing on the electric.

We have very, very limited edition for the first time ever. Very exclusive mothership slash Killtony, brand new, hot off the press merch available in the lobby after this show. Congratulations to you, the first audience that it's been available to in the world. Kill merch is open now, my tour is up for sale. All the biggest theaters around the country. Toronto Detroit, San Antonio, Chicago, Charlotte, Atlanta, Columbus, Kansas City, Indianapolis, Philadelphia, DC, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Youngstown, Ohio, Cincinnati, San Francisco, Sacramento, San Diego, Phoenix, New York, Clearwater, Florida, and Jacksonville, Florida.

Inedwards has in talks, soccer, comic, brand. Brian Holtzman's Instagram is Brian Holtzman. His YouTube is Brian Holtzman now. His Twitter is at Holtzman Brian, and his Facebook is Brian Holtsman Thank you guys so much Hey, if you're in Austin and you want to come see us the secret show It's every Thursday at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club my new club. Go to Sunset Strip ATX dot com. Love you guys Go to AdWords Comic on Instagram for Ian Edwards' tour dates. And again, thank you guys so much for coming out.

We love you guys. Thank you. Good night everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the

I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the

I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the

I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the I'm gonna go back to the Oh Oh I'm gonna be a little bit more I'm gonna be a little bit more I'm gonna be a little bit more I'm gonna be a little bit more I'm gonna be a little bit more I'm gonna be a little bit more I'm gonna be a little bit more I'm gonna be to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach

I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach

I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach I'm gonna go to the beach ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ � Yep. Hey y'all, the new Kill merch store is up and running at a thousand miles an hour. It is our official Killtony online shop, Killmurch.com t-shirts, hoodies, bones eye made real Texas leather joke books, Killtony hats, Killtony knit winter hats, beer koozies, bandanas, trucker hats, McVader made posters, some Ryan J. E. Belt Art coming in soon. And Killtony stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Killtony NASCAR shirt, the Kiltoni hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve.

Super cool stuff. We tested all of this out ourselves and made sure that it's a very high quality. There's cool, a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything. Anyway, go to KillMarch.com. You know what to do. Support the show. Buy some stuff. Look cool.

Tell your friends, you know what's up. you you you you you