KILL TONY - #616 - JOE ROGAN + TOM SEGURA [10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY]

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

Joe Rogan, Tom Segura, Theo Von, Ron White, Brian Holtzman, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/10/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY 

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Killtony. Check out our website, Death Squad.tv, that has every past episode of Killtony. You can also click on Torridates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club and go to that website at sunsetstripatx.com. Come check out the show and say hi. Tony Hinchcliff has his own website, TonyHinchcliff.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour.

Check out everything golden pony at TonyHinchcliff.com. Also, killmerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers, go to KillMurch.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. I see a line from the comedy store. Hey, this is Wipin, come to your life from the real famous comedy store, Man Room. The comedy store in La Jolla. Dintura, California. San Francisco, California.

And Nashville, Tennessee, Phoenix, Arizona. And Houston, Texas. Dallas, Texas. Salt Lake, City, Utah. St. Louis. Minneapolis, Minnesota. Washington, DC. Os Vegas, New York City.

Vermont, York, Vancouver. Toronto, Dublin, Ireland. Manchester, England, London, England. Brisbane, Australia. Sydney, Australia. From Melbourne, Australia. For a brand new episode of Kale Tony, Kierta Vatana Etka!

Detroit makes some fucking noise! Yeah! Digus, we're here! We're back! Van Couver, Canada! Make some fucking noise! Yeah! We're here, we're live in goddamn England

for the first time ever. Hell yeah, let these people around the damn world know what's going on Burn the belly room of the goddamn comedy store. Killtony and Calgary, Canada everyone Portland Killtony for the first time ever Nashville Tennessee. Killtony has come to Mormon country ladies and gentlemen Man Cooper, we have arrived. look at all these fucking happy American people Yeah New York City you ready to do this make some fucking noise Hey, y'all this is red band come to your life from

Austin Texas, hey, this is red band come to your life from Folk and gas company and Austin Texas, hey, this is red. was right back in coming alive at the Paramount Theater. A. D.T. was right back in coming alive from the comedy mothership here in Austin Texas, who's running on the bus, booking nine dollars. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey, this is Raymond Kappitius from HDL live! At the Moody Theater, and streaming around the globe on Moment House, here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitz Klan. 10 fucking years who's winning a party! Yeah! Mix and noise for Brian, Motherfucking Rez. Oh shit, we're in it today folks. This is the 10 year anniversary episode. Nobody knew what the fuck we were doing 10 years ago. 10-year anniversary episode. Nobody... Yeah.

Nobody knew what the fuck we were doing 10 years ago. And now here we are in front of the Best Goddamn Comedy Fans in the world. How you guys doing? Good. Yeah. Brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service, Number 1, Tachila, Whistle Pig, Whiskey. They're award-winning Ryan Bourbon Whiskey's, CM Smokehouse, and screwball peanut butter whiskey

Which presents to you the one and only goddamn motherfucking best-stand band in the land the kill Tony band that is indeed Paul Deamer on the horns Michael Gonzalez on the drums Matt Mulell on the electric guitar John D's on the drums, mat muleing on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and right down the barrel, de-magnus, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck, yes, streaming around the world, everything is booming, everything is in place. This is normally a part where we would take a commercial break, but here you are on YouTube watching for free like a peasant. So enjoy the ads that made this episode possible for you right now. Hey y'all, it's official, it's announced, it's out there. My largest stand-up tour of my entire life. Oh, the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois,

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to try Zip Recruiter for free. That is ziprecruiter.com slash killtony. Again, ziprecruiter.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y because zippercrooter, the smartest way to hire. Let's get right to it. Every single week we have two of the funniest, most amazing comedians on planet earth on this show. This episode obviously, no different.

These two guys, two of our best friends, two of our favorite comedians. Let's see how loud this place can get for our guests tonight. Austin Zone, Tom Segura, and Joe Rogan. Yeah! What's smoking go? Tom Sikker, Joe's broken. Oh Texas bitches Oh my goodness

Whoa holy shit What the fuck? Dude, I was there in the belly room when there was like 50 people in the audience. To see you guys go from that to this is fucking amazing. This is incredible. This is the American Dream! It really is. It really is. Do you think that podcasts are going to become a big thing? Or no? They're never going to make it. It's all bullshit. Jesus.

We offered it to Comedy Central seven years ago. Thank God they turned us down. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. And we're going to do it again tonight. So much fucking chaos in the store. I want to really fuck with the people that didn't buy tickets or buy the stream.

So what do you say we have the best episode we've ever seen in our lives? You guys know how it works. These guys know how it works. They've all been here many times before. This is indeed a record setting amount of signups, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds in there. We fucking lost count. Oh, okay.

Was there one? Was it just one? You know what? We'll have that be the first fucking bucket. I'm gonna go over that. Yeah. Okay. We'll get this off to whoever's gonna take that.

And yeah. So if I pull the name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds on interrupt to do stand-up comedy. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which puts off their time completely. And then we interview them and we find out more about them.

That entire part of the show is completely improvised. Sometimes we find superstars of the future. Sometimes we find insane homeless people. You guys ready to start this fucking show? As with every show for the last two years, the person that's going to start this show came through for me in a real clutch position during a May of 2021 really filled a much needed Asian comedian spot that we had had to fill and we watched him go from living in his van only performing in open mics to literally selling out every weekend that he's on the road Has a girlfriend that's way too hot for him, has dabbled in cocaine here and there. While on the mountain top, it gets a little snowy sometimes. We've seen him go through it all together.

Let's see if you guys know the words. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. I'm gonna be the new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new What's up? Just got back from Korea? If you thought we all liked the same before the pandemic. Try telling us apart with masks on. I was living with the wrong family for three days. Come back to America. What do I see? Black little mermaid.

One of the races that are known for being one of the worst at swimming this is going to get people killed look at me mommy, I'm a mermaid, like we should know Laquicia, no! Grab onto this chicken leg! What's next? A movie about an Asian NASCAR driver? Tara Daga nights. Thank you. Hans Camel, ladies and gentlemen, wow. About a minute, 40 seconds, 26 seconds of it, straight up up applause just saying the word sup. An incredible performance, Hans.

How you feel? I feel amazing. I always do and thank you so much for everything. I'd imagine a lot of you traveled along distance to see something that you've seen on the internet so many times right in front of you Just the most honest autistic but like but not quite Fucking weird-ass mother fucker Hans-Kam joke guru how you been feeling lately?

I was your trip to South Korea for real. It was amazing. I You know didn't download any porn They blocked porn websites over in Korea. I was just drinking off the tweets and memes. I was with my family. Yeah. They really blocked porn? Yeah. You can't get a VPN?

I can, yes. You did, didn't you? I did. I'm not buying it. You're a little too internet savvy to get trapped. Take the man out of the van. You can't always take the van out of the van. Oh, okay.

Which VPN did you use? Was it ExpressVPN? Because you could get it right now using the promo code Tiltoni. Yes. Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and my family was kind of being a bitch to me. They have this new baby, it's kind of taken all the shine. Oh no. Oh no. Who's the family over there?

My sister and her Chinese boyfriend. Ooh. Oh. How controversial is that over there? Chinese people, they... No, a Chinese boyfriend for your sister. How controversial is that over there? Chinese people, they... No, a Chinese boyfriend for your sister. It's almost as bad as a white dude.

Really? But Japanese would be worse, right? Yeah. But not as bad as a black dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty universal. Yeah. Yeah.

It's the one thing the whole world agrees on. Not your mom, Tony. How much cocaine have you been doing? I've been almost doing zero cocaine. Really? Yeah. Almost zero is not zero. It's a very interesting way to put it.

We guarantee my mom would have a different answer. Almost zero. Hans, a lot of people have been talking about your cocaine addiction. People have been talking about since headlining all the time. I mean, let's face it, you've done in two years on this show what very few people have been able to do. You took this opportunity and you completely started doing long sets on the road. You got better at doing long sets on the road.

And now you're headlining all the time, anytime you want, and selling out, adding more shows, things like that. So a thing that... A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- You've killed in arenas. You've killed in Arrhena, you've killed in Madison Square Garden. Thank you, Joe. I like to take credit, but I know the right people. Well, that brings me to my next point, because I was thinking,

how can we start this show, extra special, in a way that's going to boggle people's fucking minds forever? And you've done so much. I don't know if you need this every single week, but I know you love doing it, right? Yes. So I figured I'd put you in a little bit of an awkward position here.

I think we should do something that we've never, ever imagined doing in the history of the show, and that is a battle for regulation. Oh, shit. So, so Hans, put that mic in the mic, Stan, go sit next to Michael Gonzales' drums. What's about to happen is something that I just cannot wait to see how this goes. You're about to see a golden ticket winner perform for the chance to become a full-time regular on the show. And since you animals in this room, you 3000 people sold this place out in one hour,

I'm going to let you decide who moves on to be the new Keltoni regulars. That cool? Ladies and gentlemen doing a minute a Brand new stand-up comedy that we've never seen before this young man is one of the first ever golden ticket winners He won it on the road five years ago in Houston, Texas He moved here to Austin just a couple months ago to fucking live his dreams. The kid is a monster. Makes a noise for Killtony, Golden Ticket winner, and Reggae Chacone! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so much a fuckers! Fuck yeah, man!

Man before I was a comedian, I used to be a fifth grade art teacher, bro. Which made sense, because I look like a fucking lesbian. And yeah, man, I was teaching at this very rich school called River Oaks Elementary, but I had one of my students that didn't fucking respect me because it's a lot worse than my salary. I asked her how much she made a week, this motherfucker said $900, bro. And I was like, man, fuck these paintbrushes. It's time to start selling some Adder off in this bitch. So they fired me, bro, whatever, dog. So I decided to go teach at a Mexican school that was don't, bro. Love taking my kids to lunch, right?

It made me feel like an adult and I also got highest fucking possible, bro. So I'm gonna walk my kids to lunch and I feel like a mama duck taking her baby ducklings in a single file line real cute, right? But when I was high, I felt like in Coyote, Smokyly Mexican children in the US, single file line, stay quiet.

And if something don't come back, I still get paid, bitch, we're fuck these kids. Thank you. A minute from Enrique Chicone, the young buck, the young force coming to try to de-throne resident regular Hans Kim. How do you feel about the position that I put you in tonight?

I feel like I got that dog in me, baby. I will go in for it. Is it hot dogs? You're talking, I'm having... You're making Hans hungry. Look, you would ever say so many glistigomlers they take from! Who's decked on half the sucker out here, dude? It's actually mine, it's my deck.

Easy answer. So here we are. You have the chance to replace Hans Kim, whereas Hans would be in a position to get to perform still, pretty much anytime he wants, is a legend of the show. Future, you know, Killtony Hall of Famer, gets to plug his dates if he wants to come on and do a spot, but someone's got to write and perform a brand new minute

every single week. Hans, why don't you come up here, stand next to me, Ray Kay. You've watched Hans grow up in front of your very eyes. This is a tough decision you guys have. You know almost nothing about Enrique, Youngbox, still yet to hit the cocaine addiction and bottom and the mountain top. Jaree Kay is holding the microphone.

That's a significant advantage. Thank you, brother. Yeah. So should we solve this once and for all? How many of you guys, let's make some noise. How many of you think Hans Kim should retain his throne as a regular? Yeah. Damn, that's loud.

Two years in the ain't sick of him yet. That's gonna be tough to beat. How many of you have Enrique Chacon winning? Let's go! That's Hans. Hans Kim is the mother fucker ladies and gentlemen. That's Hans. Hans Kim is the mother fucker ladies and gentlemen. Hassan Lügel.

Hans will get to decide when Hans retires from the show. Hans grab the microphone from Enrique. Have a one more time for Enrique Chacon, everybody. There he goes. Follow me on Enrique Comedy Love You! They're gonna follow you Enrique. Do you have a small joke book? Hans, how do you feel, man?

These people love you. They picked you over a brand new human. They've been watching you for two years and they want more of you. How does that make you feel? I feel amazing to see Mexican people get to vote it again. It is incredible. I didn't even realize that it's a battle between an Asian and a Mexican. I should have at the winner get a bunch of rice. You guys both like rice a lot. So Hans, you still retain. we'll see you on Monday.

You feel good? Yes, thank you so much, Tony. Thanks so much for Hans, Kim everybody. Thank you! That was Hans, Kim. That was Hans, Kim. All right, your first bucket pool has been pulled. Let it be known before I say anything.

And this is the first time in the show's history. This could be fucking anybody. We have no idea who this person is, and they're about to perform in front of 3,000 people. Make some noise. We're gonna meet them all together. Darius, date, everybody. Darius, date.

Or Darius, Dale, per-mouse. Darius, date. Okay, Darius Dale everybody. Austin Tejas. Hello. I love white people. I do for a lot of shit, a lot of reasons. Like movies you guys make, top gun. And then they came out with Maverick, and they made it not so racist, because they put a black pilot in there. I never came out of movies wanting to screen white power before until I see a Maverick.

Even back to the future, that's a great white movie as well. I just know they couldn't make it with a black guy. We would only feel comfortable going back to the 80s. It'd be a very boring, very boring movie. I could just see myself getting in that Delorean and he's like we're gonna go to 1847 All right, thank you amazing Darius is it Darius Day? Day D.A.Y.E.

D.A.Y.E. Got it welcome to the show Darius. This is your first time on, correct? Yes, my first time in Austin, too. I love it. Welcome, welcome. Cheers. Incredible. You're like a killer, Mike. Went to an open mic. Hey, you know, it's good.

I'm glad to meet you, though, because I've been having some problems with the LGBTQ community. Okay. And now that I can perform with you, it'll make them feel better. Thank you. Indeed. Likewise, because you're trans fat.

Yeah. Ah. The son of a bitch. Come on, my show and try fucking taking shots. LGBT, how about KFC, mother. I'm gonna go, what's going on? Shut up. How long have you been on stand up?

Two years. We're at in Iowa. What's going on here? What are you doing? They still have slaves in Iowa. We were trying to get away from segregation in Missouri. Okay. That's how we ended up there. What do you do for work in Iowa? Whom? What do you do for work? What do I do for work?

Yeah. I sell crack. Okay. Okay. You're not gonna... We're behind times in Iowa. We still smoke crack. What kind of crack are we talking about? Where you keep getting fatter while smoking?

It's not the Texas kind. What do you really do? I work in annuities. I sell insurance to old white people. Okay. Okay. You got to keep the generational wealth. I love it.

I love it. All steak? Yeah. Tony, I love you so much. I love you. It's nice to meet you. What should we know about you? You seem like you've seen the show before.

You know what's going on here? Give us some info on what's interesting about Darius Day. Uh, I'm funny as fuck. And I'm cool as shit. I'm just trying to make it. You know, this is my comedy journey, so I appreciate the opportunity also. I'm just trying to make it. This is my comedy journey, so I appreciate the opportunity, also. Very good for two years.

Very good. Incredible. What's your love life like? Lot of thick white bitches and I love it. Yeah, it is. There's a lot. It's a lot. And you don't got to be the cutest when you're funny.

I laughed my way into some pussy a few times And it works Oh, you're going home not not I love it Is this the most people you've ever performed in front of obviously yeah, what do you think the second biggest show you've ever done was? I went to this real like racist town and they showed up. It was in Iowa, Nevada, Iowa. You guys might they don't know how to it.

It's spelled the same way as Nevada. I think they were confused. Okay. All right. But it was a good show though. How many people ballpark? 500 okay, yeah, that's a hundred which that's big for Iowa guys to calm down What's the most racist thing that anybody's done to you in Iowa?

I'm sure everybody here all these white people want to know what it's like being Yeah, I get it though. I get why they're racist. I've been hanging out with a lot of white people since I started doing comedy That's good. Yeah a black guy cut me off and I called him the n-word the bad one. Oh wow But what's the most racist thing that's happened to you in Iowa? A guy after a show bought me a beer and told me I'm funny for a Negro. Oh beer and told me I'm funny for Negro. Oh, wow. I don't even know what that is. Still, it's still a compliment.

It is. You know what I mean? It's not a cool way to say it, but it's still positive. There's people thinking that here. I'm just saying, I guess. Thank you, Mr. Sugawa. I love it. I love it.

Darius Day, very fun set. You're leaving here with a brand new big, Bones Eye custom-made special 10-year jokebook. Can you catch it? Mixed with Darius Day, everybody, it's Killtony debut and bring up 3,000 people. Unbelievable. How fun. a good bucket pool. Very exciting, and we pulled another name out.

We're gonna meet them all together. Again, it's chaos, anything can happen. Put your hands together for Kent Hunter, everyone. Kent Hunter. All right, we're gonna meet somebody. Here we go, Kent Hunter, everybody. It's the noise for him. It's the first time on Kiltzoni.

I gotta be honest with you guys, I'm a little tired tonight. I had to wake up at 3.30 this morning for work. And it was terrible. I woke up with a beautiful girl in my bed, but I had to go to work. I mean, the lifestyle sex doll wasn't gonna pay for itself, am I right? I did just start a new job though, I'm stalking shelves at a grocery store, and on my first name I'm going to ask if I want a knee pads. I'm like, whoa, man, it's my first day, I don't need a promotion already. I used to have long hair, so I would have to use female hair products whenever I took a shower.

So whenever I hopped out, my hair would be fluffy, healthy, small, I could butterflies asshole. It was amazing. But I was really proud of my hair, so I posted a picture on Facebook showing it off. I'm old bald football coach started talking shit to me. I said, can't you need to cut your hair? So I told him to grow his out a little bit. He said, can't you know I have leukemia?

What? What? What? What? Told him excuses don't win championships. What? What? What?

Wow. I love that joke. Thank you. That's fantastic. How you feeling Ken? Well nervous. Little nervous is that why your entire lower half is shaking right now? I love that joke. That's fantastic. How you feeling Ken? A little nervous.

A little nervous is that why your entire lower half is shaking right now? That is incredible. Do we have a camera zoomed in on that for the love of God? Holy shit! That is unbelievable! That is the energy in this room right now is running through this man. Yeah, you got to love to see it. It's amazing. You just did 3000 people, man. What's fucking crazy?

I've never- Look at your leg. I cannot believe- It has a mind of its own. Literally 10 years, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of episodes all around the world I could not I mean the comedy gods are shining down on us right now. Are you guys looking at this? I've never seen anyone shake exactly like that But you did a really good job keeping it together even though though you're nervous, you did a great job with your job and everything and everything. Yeah, you're tough.

Yeah, I really appreciate it. Love it. All of the blood went to the top half of his body. It's incredible. It starts getting absolutely incredible. You're like Michael J. Foxworthy. You're like Michael J. Foxworthy. Oh my goodness. So the crazy thing is every time you think it's going to stabilize, it tricks you.

Yeah, they're switching up. Has this ever happened before, like first time you went on stage? Yeah, the first time I went on stage, you look like I had Parkinson's. It was so bad. How long ago was that? A year and a half ago. A year and a half ago. And where was that first time on stage?

Uh, uh, uh, Carval Bar and Jacksonville, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. Okay. So has it happened at all since then? The old shaky lake? Oh my. A little bit. I think last time I was on it, a little bit.

You were on Keltoni? Yes. Oh, okay. So you just got, I got mad at you again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He must have been wearing camouflage pants or something. I must have missed it. That is fucking incredible.

You have no condition. That's only happening from straight nerves right now. We might need like a paramedic or something. This is crazy. Wow. What's the largest audience you've performed in front of up until this point? What was that? What's the largest audience you've performed in front of? Uh, Vulcan when I got on last time. Okay. Okay. Yep. That sounds about right. What do you do for work, Kent? Uh, I stock shelves at HB. You stock shelves with legs like that? Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm really hoping with the looks of your legs. I'm hoping it's the bottom shelves, Ken. Which one would you be? Shaker Heights. I know it's Austin 31, but I don't know you don't know where you go to work. No What the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean? I'm terrible at locations. Bro, I'm trying to visit you. You know, it's 535. It's off of 35.

No, that narrow is at the fuck down. We'll figure it out. We're going to hunt you down, boy. It's in the greater Austin area. You'll find it. So where are you gonna go for your next shift? How do you get there? Oh, do they just pick you up? They have a boss that comes and gets me.

Well, no, I think it's off of slaughter in 35. Ah, that's one fucking H.E.B. What's up? Represent. Everybody has their own H.E.B. It's gang warfare out there. What's your favorite part about working at H.E.B.? Just say anything, buddy.

You're about to get fired. Say something. It's clean. I do work with some great people. It is a bunch of nice people. Okay. Okay. There goes that leg. Let me ask you this. Does your leg ever shake when you go on a date with a girl or anything like that? What was that? Does your leg ever shake when you like a girl? No.

No. That never, it's just a strictly a stand-up comedy thing. Mm-hmm. Is it ever a strictly a stand-up comedy thing. Is it ever happened outside of stand-up comedy? I don't believe so. Wow, incredible. You should do comedy while you're fucking a girl. She would really appreciate it. Yay, Red Band.

Red Band. Red Band. Oh, shit. The lights have been activated. Red Band. Oh my god, for those of you in Vegas, the pick Red Band to have the best joke this deep into the episode, you just won $9 billion. Kent Hunter, a very, very fun appearance.

Congratulations, here's a big joke book. Fun times, my friend. Good catch. Good catch, especially since there's an earthquake happening in the middle of this stage right now. Kent Hunter, everybody. Yeah. Alright, everybody, this is one of those parts where we have a special treat for you. Another one of our undeniable esteemed golden ticket winners, this one got it right here in Austin, Texas From Toronto, Canada

Ladies and gentlemen, the biggest show of his life makes him noise for Jared Weyth That's it, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Happy anniversary! Hey! Happy Annembroodery! Why did you have a stutter? No, I take this seriously! Everything I say is fucking hilarious. That's why I clean and up this is too very ill. I never heard so much laughter. When I tell people, they have...

...plans! I turn a family crisis into hilarious, experience. This month only, we're going away without you. Purgents. Yeah. Fuck yeah. In unbelievable performance. I understood about 23% of it.

We need a little bit more sound out of this monitor right here from the comic, Mike, please. That'd be great. And then again, we might not. He's retarded. You know what I mean? It might just be him. He knows it's okay, Joe. We call him retarded every week.

I'm an avat retard. I show up on time. You're a super retard. He just beat him. He knows it's okay, Joe. We call him retarded every week. I'm on your average retard. I show up on time. You're a super retard. Wait, what'd you say? I still can't understand. I'm on your average retard. I show up on time.

Oh, okay. Absolutely. My kind of retard. All right, let's talk about it Jared. You're the fucking man. All you do is smash. You came out living your pro wrestling dreams. How did that feel?

Fucking amazing! Woo! Fucking amazing! Yeah. Thank you Tony for the experience. I want to thank you and I also want to wish you a fucking happy, bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb Yeah. Sherrod Nathan, you are a fucking comedy gem. You are unbelievable at this. What else are you good at? I don't think I've ever asked you.

I just swim as high as you're a special Olympics athlete. You're a special Olympics athlete? Yes. What sport? I swim. Please tell me, bo-bo badminton you swim and I played Basketball whoa I was a

Point gun whoa they let you bring the ball down and decide everything that happens is the leader of the man I'm made the mother fucker moves. Oh my God. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Yes. Did they always give you a trophy? I'm number one, baby. I'm number one.

Did you ever look at the other kids' trophies and see if they were number one too though? Oh, honing. Yeah. I'm the- The- The- The- The-

The- The- The- The- The- The- The- The best there is! The best there was! And I'm back there at the well-being! God damn right! You're God damn right! Wow! I also want to say, I love Austin! But it's too fucking hot! Wow. I also wanna say, I love Austin,

but it's too fucking hot. It is, it's hot. You sweat a lot, don't you? Yeah. What's your living situation right now here in Austin? We know you're visiting from Toronto, but what's your living situation? You have a roommate or you on a couch?

What's going on here? You have a roommate or you on a couch? What's going on here? I have a place to stay. I'm saying, with some people, I'm in my own room. You have your own room? Yes. I love it. Yes. I'm going to, I'm going to,

I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going Back to Canada soon. Montana. Back to Canada. Back to Canada, okay. I sign up for the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the I'm gonna help them fight the four fire fires in Canada. You are? They're letting you fight fires in Canada?

Yeah. Instead of fire holes, I was gonna... I'm gonna... hit the fires out. Oh shit. It's gonna be weird when they're like, somehow there's more fires where we sent Jared Nathan. Dude, are we sending people that like starting fires to put out the fires? Um, Jared, you know what?

I don't know what to do with you exactly, because we don't have room for a fourth regular on our weekly show where we try to meet new people and go through bucket pools, but I just had an idea while you were up here, since we started making Hans fight for his position, how about this Monday coming up, you go up after Hans and you challenge him for his position, huh? You have a chance and become a... I'm going to challenge! Yes! I'm a former challenge! Yes!

I'm a former challenge! Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only charred mother fucking name than everybody. I'm trying to get almost got him to set up the mic stand all the way perfectly. I think he wants to hear you guys make some noise. Alright, your next comedian coming straight from the bucket is Emma Nore's everybody. Emma Nore's sir. Emma Nore.

More Nore. Emma Knorr's, or Emma Knorr's, or Emma. Here's Emma everybody. ["Morning All right, so I have decided to stop drinking and driving because when I'm drunk, I still drive like a woman. And I've heard a lot of people talk about time travel lately, and if you ask them, they say they'd go back, use a machine to kill Hitler. Yeah, well, I just found out that Jeffrey Epstein's victims got paid $121 million.

So I'd take advantage of that. That's my time. Whoa, 31 seconds. Doesn't Epstein joke and then comes in under her time. That's incredible. Hello, Emma, what's your last name? Norez. Norez, though, that is a Z. Wow, that's a weird last name.

NORZ, what is that? I have no idea. Okie dokie. How old are you, Emma? 21. 21. Okay. All enough.

Red band? No. Bad red band. You guys want to all do it together? One, two, three. Red Band. You son of a bitch. All right, Emma, clearly 17 years old, saying that she's 21.

Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No. What made you want to start here tonight? What made you sign up for this? Actually, I've never done this before. My boyfriend is a huge fan of the show and he's up there waiting. He's what? He's up there waiting. Waiting? To get a chance to be pulled out of the bucket? Yeah. So this was your first time on stage ever? Yeah, I had to sign up. Otherwise, I would leave him. That's insane. Have you ever done anything on a stage before?

I was a dancer my whole life, but it's a lot different when you have to talk. What kind of dancing did you do? I was on a dance team in high school, so basically everything. Palm, Jazz, ballet, tap, hip-hop. How many of you think we should see her dance right now? Why not? Guys, play some music. Let's see what happens here.

Emma Norris. She says she's been dancing her whole life. Oh, wow. The old, black girl special. Look out. Wow. It's basic as a gift, ladies and gentlemen. There you go.

A lifetime of experience. All right, stop, stop. That was no talent whatsoever. That is incredible. So was your boyfriend's plan to have you sign up because this way he thought that I was going to call him down if you got up to see if he was funnier than you because he's watched so many episodes of the show?

He is funny, don't you think? Did he tell you that would be his plan? You just go up there with 30 seconds and then it doubles his chances of getting called on the stage? I don't know. He never mentioned that to you. I mean, yeah, but. He did.

Perfect. Thank you. Thank you for being honest. Here's a little joke book. Can you catch? We know you can't dance. Can you catch? Oh. There she goes,, amin' or is everyone?

We're gonna get someone up here that wants to be up here. You guys ready to take this show to a whole nother level or what? Ladies and gentlemen, it's a goddamn honor for me to introduce one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Boop here to Austin, Texas a couple years ago famous for his unbelievable roasting and writing and stand-up skills. You know him, you love him. David Motherfuckin' Lucas everybody. Yeah.

I was just in New York, New York pussy suck. Because some holes on walk-thawed a moisture out of they pussy, man. You know what I'm saying? And then when that subway air hit it, it just dried out, man. I like Seattle and Portland pussy, because all that rain in the air, you know. It's like putting the pussy in the saltwater brine, you know. And pussy fall off the bone. I really appreciate racism. Like, I wish I was alive when black people had to go through the back door.

You know what I'm saying, man? Because this gay shit is crazy, they can feel real, man. I'd rather battle racism than this gay shit, you know. Like what's scarier? A red neck and a pillowcase or a six-fold gay nigga with a heart dick. That's... That's way worse. That's a fear of mine getting beat up by a gay nigga, man.

He was like, go to sleep. They can go to sleep. Go to sleep. All right, thank you, all, man. There he is. The man, the myth, in front of the largest crowd in Keltoni history. Right, man, right. Absolute legend of the game.

Yeah. Tony, you dress Absolute legend of the game. Yeah. Tony, you dress like a gay Paul Barron. Nigga, you know what? He was carrying a gay nigga to his grave side. Nigga, yeah. Right at HIV, man, it's got you turning red. Nigga, what the fuck, no, no. Oh my God.

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. I tried looking a bitch. You son of a bitch. That's what I was looking like, beef jerky. No. No, it's called vitamin D. We don't know whether you have any in your system or not, because you're blessed with the- The vitamin D for you staying for dick.

Oh, you son of a bitch. It's from standing on my head during yoga, which is what you're gonna have to do when you're feekin' amputated. You're gonna have to do when you're feekin' amputated. You're gonna have to do when you're feekin' amputated. You're gonna have to do when you're feekin' amputated. You're gonna have to do when you're feekin' amputated. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Tonight, that's Balzy. Yeah. Tony, you born in June, and they may prompt you.

What? Tony is 39 in human years and 21 in gay years. The only one tasting the rainbow here is you and your skittle addiction. Are you wearing a Selena shirt because you always get shot with insulin? Oh my god. How was New York? New York was great. You're shaped like a big apple.

You should've loved it. No one loves a trip in the subway. shape like a big apple, you should've loved Yeah. How was New York? What'd you do there? I tore down all the pride flags. Look, I know you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's freaking good. All the pride flags and all the BLM flags, I tore them down. I love it. Sickened at shit. Yeah. Equal opportunity. What else has been going on? Anything else crazy?

Shit man, you know, just on the road, bro, doing the road like a motherfucker dog, so that's all we can do, keep getting better, keep doing the road. Absolutely. It indeed you and Hans have absolutely been killing it all over the road. And we talked about this recently, you and I, and we have come to the point to where David's so busy on the road that he gets to do a spot on Kiltoni anytime he wins in the future. But this is officially his full time retirement party

right now in front of you guys. We did it. We set the record for the most rose stick between two people. Hey! Austin's own wrong mother fucking white! Congratulations! What a war you made on Killtony!

A proud of his brother's going to be your friend! You know what other things that we do in the Austin Comedy scene is when one of our tribe has a victory, we all participate and celebrate together. And what an amazing night this is right we have a commitment to make Austin the best comedy town in the entire world and when Joe built the the mother ship he didn't call it Joe Rogan's comedy mother ship. He called it the mother ship because it belongs to all of us. And we're here to celebrate that.

And it's helping us all grow and get somewhere in life. Come on down and celebrate with us. You guys are great. Thanks for being a fan to my brother. Guys, come on. It's your motherfucking White. We got this whole party started. We all knew it wasn't real.

Cheney's just seen a comedy globally. One more time Austin's own Ron White. One more time, Killed Tony Legend, David Lucas everybody. Come on, people. David Lucas, everyone. And like that, one door closes. Another one opens. All of a sudden, a brand spanking new open spot for a brand new regular on the show.

And we have chosen him. This young man has only had one appearance on the show and with that appearance, he got booked by me to open for me in two theaters in his home state of Florida. The kid is a phenom, he's all the talk of the little boy room, the smaller room at the mothership, where a lot of his peers literally talk about this guy every night. They're endorsing him.

I'm so excited to see his second minute ever. Ladies and gentlemen, fans of Kiltoni, I present to you a guy that we're all going to get to meet over a very long period of time. I truly believe this is the future. Make some noise for Cam Patterson everybody. So I'm all the brother very racist and we would all have to tell me, came, no to have me on life dating a white bitch. You can fuck up, you can put some dick on her mouth, you can nut on her face, but y'all true never.

And I mean never date one. And I never understood that because I was only six years old. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER So as a child, I was perplexed. That's my first time using that word, sir, and I like it. It need confused, nigga. I wanna tell y'all this though, when I was in high school, I did it in a white girl,

and I love that stupid bitch, but I let my whole family down. I remember that came up to her and she was like, she was stupid, she never understood black culture, she never got black culture. I had a flat type of high school, I could be picking my hair, but she never saw me use the pick. She always saw the pick that was in my hair and when it just came up, she was like,

came, that's an extremely weird place to keep a knife. And that was like, what the fuck? So I stabbed him. Oh. Oh. Oh. Hey guys, what up with? The mother fucker has arrived. I'm telling you this guy has

street cred to the brim at the mothership. To unbelievable performances under your belt on Killtony you are the newest regular on the show What I'd be a bitch if I cried No, no, okay They probably beat you up when you go visit back home, but we won't do that here And you're originally from Jacksonville, Florida correct now from Orlando Orlando Orlando West Orlando, you see. OK.

All right, represent. Yeah. Come on. What's something real quick? Because we have so much time to interview you. We're going to do that a lot every single episode from here on out. But just for this one, for the big one,

what's something you think we should know about you is we get to know you. What do you think? 3,000 people in front of you. What's something interesting about you? I'm not retarded, but I like rocks. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

BAM BAM BAM I feel like how they feel. I'm saying they feel real good. I got this one. I feel good. Is that a rock? Yeah. You like rocks? I got this one. I feel good. Is that a rock?

Yeah. You like rocks? I got a couple of them, bitch. I like this one. I feel really good. Be a wee bit. I got this shit outside, really. It was there.

Oh, my. Bro, that. BOOM. That's it. That set was hilarious, but that's somehow better. That was amazing. That... Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pff Can you can't fly with these rocks? No, no, no. Once I'm out through one away and I'll reel up sick. Because the next time I got in with my other one, that is fucked up. Huh. This is fucked up.

You got to do a rock check in, like, every week. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Cam, I'm so excited about the future, dude. I'm pumped. We're going to keep it moving along. Welcome to the family.

This is the future, right here. I promise you, Cam, mother fuck itin Patterson, Pam with a K. Hey, you guys want to do something cool real quick, huh? What do you guys all say, Lotto? One of the great friends of the show. Fio Vaughan! Yeah. Good to see you guys this evening. I'm grateful to be in your city. I'm grateful to be welcomed here. Congratulations, Tony.

On having one of the most creative shows in the entire world. It is so much fun. Thank you, brother. And all you men at that table, thank you guys all for just being brave and making something new and awesome here in this awesome city. And great pull to see you guys tonight. Thank you. We love you. One of the greats in comedy. Hopefully we're trying future Austin resident. One more time for Theo Vaughn, everybody, huh? All right, wow, okay. I don't know if this person knows this balcony five.

Rochets, seat 405. Austin Perkins is the next comedian. I hope they got him down already, right? No, maybe so. We have to wait for balcony five. Oh, that's crazy. All right, while we wait for him, let's keep it moving real quick. Make some noise for Afro Dirty Everybody. Let's get Afro Dirty up here. Oh, okay, fuck, I blew it. Now come on, come on, you'll never believe who's next. One more time for Austin Perkins, everybody. Hey, what's up? Hey, so during the pandemic, I was hospitalized with a bowel disease

that caused my colon to shred itself. Answering the question, what if Kanye's Twitter was my asshole? I had to shit 41 times on my worst day ever. With that in perspective, all four of these guys shit eight times today? Combine that? Add nine. That was me. It's the Mr. Beast approach to toilet time. I will say the best part about being in the hospital, all the hot nurses. The worst part, uncontrollably shitty myself.

In the attempt at flirting would always end in her saying, wow, you're really funny. Did you go number two in your bathroom? And I had to be like, mm-hmm. And she would say, I'm going to go look at it now. It was the worst. All right, Austin Perkins. Hello, how are you?

I'm great. OK. Super pumped to be here, Tony. You have the energies of someone that's lying right now. You feel like a little... If I shook my leg with that distract away from it? No. You see what I mean? You hear the noise that they're making?

How long have you been knowing Santa Boston? About two years. Two years. Yeah. Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas. No, Jacksonville, Gainesville, Florida, a bit of Orlando. Actually, no cam from Florida. Wow, incredible.

Okay. You ever trade rocks with them? No, unfortunately not. What do you do for work? I'm in sales, but I move to Austin with a dream of starting a great stand-up comedy show. What's the show? Dunst Cat comedy.

I produce it here in town. But what makes it special? Why does it stand out? Oh, well, I guess I bring a drummer. I try to book really awesome comedians. I throw stuff into the audience for free merch. Like what? What do you throw at them? A little ball-like ball capsules with like merch items so they can pick them up after the show. Just to make it fun. What kind of merch? T-shirt, stickers, little key chains,

Josh key stuff. This show sounds like it sucks, dude. I'm kidding. How's it mingle? And you able to get an audience there? Sorry? You able to get an audience together? Yeah. Okay. Just people that like free shit and bad jokes. I'm kidding Austin. I'm kidding. Oh, come on. All right, uh, that's interesting Austin. See what's your living situation? I have an apartment here. You have your own apartment? Well, I'm looking for a roommate right now. Uh, what kind of sales are you in? Technology sales. All right. What exactly in technology are you selling? I sell software products. We're not really not supposed to talk about it. They're a big company they wouldn't like me saying it. Okay. Yeah. It's a Google or something. All right, perfect.

Austin, do you have any special skills or talents? Yeah, I was a shit a lot. You shit a lot? Like a shit a lot. I have like crones. Oh okay. Any other special skills or talents other than the ability to shit a lot because God hates you. I speak German. Okay. Can you say I'm sorry Jewish people in German? No, I can't say that one. What can you say in German? Seamus, it's just like hello, and it said, Oh, Vaden und T-Tinken! It's a phrase that means to wait and drink your tea to chill out.

Okay, all right. Everybody seems to hate you Austin. This is quite incredible. You're literally the first person to have a bad set tonight and I'll love it. The sound of 3,000 disappointed people brings me nothing but joy to be honest with you. I'm fully erect right now.

If you guys ever wonder what Tony's into, this is what I'm into, just the struggle of a human that took a chance. You've been doing it two years? Yeah, I've been doing two years. Okay. I can give another joke if you'd like.

What? I can give another joke if you'd like. No, no, no. No, no, no. Wow. Oh, this man. Boo. Don't do that to yourself, son.

By the way, I'm no longer a wrecked because I came five seconds ago. That was incredible. One more joke. No! The roar, the way this place is built. If they love something, they love it. And if they hate it, holy shit, dude. Austin, you're showing us a whole side of the show.

We haven't even seen yet tonight. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. The room is turning on you. What do you think is a redeemable quality about you? What's something like a bolt that can turn the whole room around right now? You tried, I shit a lot, that failed miserably. You didn't really give any details to your job.

This room specifically like in Austin, Texas? That's a bad answer to that. I grew up no! What are you trying to mouth to me right now? Are you about to do a joke that has nothing to do with it? No, no, no, no. I grew up a military brat. So if I come off maybe that you can't trust me, it's because I'm used to moving around a lot.

So it's because you moved around a lot that I didn't like you immediately after you're minute, okay. You know what, if we're gonna boo, let's fucking boo. How loud can we boo this fucking guy? Boo this man! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Full heel turn by Austin Berkins. I saw it coming from a mile away. Here's a little joke book. You're the first one to get one tonight.

Austin Berkins, everybody. There he goes. Some people try. All right. All right, let's do something special, everybody. We're about to get a minute. You know, when we decided to stream this thing live on moment house, all around the globe, they told us that anything goes, that this show can be completely uncensored, and if something too crazy happens, it wouldn't be allowed on a normal episode that we could edit it out later, but this is real. So I went to the Egeost, craziest, darkest comedian

that I know on Planet Earth, and asked him if he would be willing to do a minute of his darkest shit on this show. This guy, famous for closing out the main room of the comedy store, a legend of the game. Your favorite stand-up comedians, favorite stand-up comedian. You're about to watch the dark force of nature and one of the newest residents of Austin, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for the one and only Brian Holtzman. Shit the fuck down! Have you ever seen a woman in a wheelchair blow a rape whistle? I have. It's really easy. Just look for a high curb and disable one of the wheels. Everything is so woke today. If Helen Keller was alive, she'd probably win Miss America. It might go something like this.

You mean the deaf bitch won? Yeah, get a stick and poke her, she can't fucking hear or see, poke that bitch, poke that fucking bitch! If you're wearing glasses, get the fucking operation! You fucking asshole! Who the fuck is wearing glasses today? This guy took his friend to the doctor and said, Doctor, you've got to help me, my friend, he can't speak English. The doctor says, fine, have a wait in the maroon, man, come inside, take your pants down,

strip down a lean over the fucking counter. And the doctor shoved the fucking thing, AHHHHH! And he got something larger. Ayyy! And he shoved it in the guys' ass. Ayyy! And he got a big thing in his assholes hanging out of his fucking-

fucking- Ayyy! He got a bigger thing out of the cabinet and he shoved it in the- Ayyy! It's fucking- It's all shit is it's fallin', they understand. And then he said, get dressed, come back tomorrow and we'll start on the letter B.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah and gentlemen. Wow. Brian Motherfucking Holtsman. So awesome. Thank you so much for coming in and doing this. You're in between spots right now at the mother ship and... Look at that buckle. Unbelievable. He's a Texan now.

Yeah, full time. Redpans mother gave me this bell, ball, ball. Hey, what the fuck? She is a piece of ass! Oh my goodness, Brian Holtzman, I mean, it is just unbelievable having you here in Austin, Texas. Just like any major league ball team, we needed a real legit, closer, closer, dark force in nature, and we got the fucking gunslinger from the comedy store

to drive his pickup truck all the way here. Mention, mention the special if you want. Absolutely. You plug it. It's Brian Holtsman. Just type in your computer Cancel Holtzman.com it'll bring you right to my YouTube channel H.O. Watch a special H.O.L.T.Z.M.A.N. How's everything else going? How's your everything is great? I'm over at the mothership and back in Austin living with the Indian family in Oak Hill back in Austin looking with the Indian family in Oak Hill. How's your gay son doing?

How's your gay son? Well, a lot of guys know Joe knows and Tom knows and everybody knows. Everybody knows I have a gay son and I'm proud of that boy. Just because he's got that crazy jean, doesn't make it. I'm gonna treat him just like any father treats their son. He's the best little league ball player on the team. He hits a home run, steals every base, and then fucks the weakest player, right in the ass. Some fathers play catch with their son in the backyard on the weekends.

I take my son down to the I-5 freeway and let him blow truckers all day. That's my boy, let him suck your cock. No, that's my boy, let him suck your cock. No, that's my boy, you don't care that I'm fucking fucking God! Oh my God. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Austin's own Brian Holtzman. God damn, what a fucking party we're having, huh?

Okay, I'm gonna pull another bucket pull out and while they go track down this person, I have a One more special treat to hold us over for a little bit here. You may have heard this lady's name earlier when I thought that Someone was coming down from the balcony But for those of you that have been fans of the show for a long time You know that I found this little sweet old lady a long time ago And she has had so many appearances on the show very interesting one of the one of the oldest Members of the Killtony family and one of the most energetic and likable Thanks the noise for Killtony legend Afro Ditey everybody. What's up?

What's up ladies and gentlemen tell you. Kuchi, sweezers and breastfeeders. I identify as get the fuck away from me. You know I gotta tell you, ladies, because you ladies be slipping on your men. Don't be walking around the house looking like you homeless and shit. And wonder why your man cheap knows your ugly ass.

For real, ladies, I gotta step your game up. You get married and shit and you think it's how to get ugly and shit called a comfortable. Ain't shit comfortable about a ugly motherfucker in your bed. So come you got damn hair and ladies get some scissors and cut your goddamn koochi hair down. Get the white hairs off the koochi. Yeah, you look like fucking Bob wire down there.

Want somebody to lick your koochi and look like Bob wire and shit. Me? Yo ass ain't off the hook it you need to get a nutsack Buzzer to put the nuts in your motherfucking Buzzer. Okay! Motherfuckers! I mean it's unbelievable, the great afro didey everybody. I love you! Started stand up on this show just a few years ago living one of her dreams

I don't know if you always answer what how old are you after a deity? I'm 67 but my ass is 25. Oh shit Oh shit look at this. Oh there it is folks. Oh My god, that is unbelievable Wow that all these young motherfuckers chasing me my goodness My God, that is unbelievable. Wow. That's how these young motherfuckers chasing me. My goodness, what a queen. Unbelievable. How you been Afro Daity?

I love you. I love you too. Thank you Afro. You sweet, sweet thing. I would not know what to do with you. Oh, yeah. Simply wouldn't. My man knows what to do with me.

He look like King Kong and shit. You know? I'm too fat for a skinny man. That's, I actually, I agree with you. I got this weird thing I'm feeling right now. Huh? I want to sit on Joe Rogan. You want to sit on Joe Rogan? Oh my goodness.

I don't know. I don't know about that. Afro-dirty. No, no, no, no, no. It's shit. Afro-dolts. Oh, it's shit. Oh, it's shit. Oh, it's shit. Oh, it's shit. Oh, it's shit. Oh, it's shit. Wow, oh shit! This is incredible! Wow, this is a legendary moment on the show. I've always wondered what it would be like. I've always wondered what it would be like. Mario hooked up in Toast School. This isn't crap. What?

Alright, get off him. His leg's going to be shaking like the first guy's in a second. I just want to know Joe Rogan got an EBT card because I love him real more than you know. You think Joe might have an eBT card? He doesn't know what that means. I don't even know what that means. Oh, okay. I hooked him up.

Yeah, she got you. You got me. You ever had a black one with Kishu? Oh, yeah. Well, now you've had a more Kishu. What? Ha, ha ha ha. Afro Dite leaving her mark on the biggest podcaster

in the world. It's a chance to see. I'm scared of you, all these white people. Oh, Lord. Afro Dite on your many appearances, you've always been one of the most likeable, sweetest forces. I love the fact that everybody on this show

comes in different shapes and sizes, and we've always nurtured your artistic opportunities. We've always embraced you. I, she was in a giant sprinter van with us for the Killtoni Manias. We all traveled together up to San Francisco from LA. We always had a bunch of fun. And you always, at some point, sing a song and bring the house to a fucking

chaotic climax. You got anything lined up for us tonight? Okay, this is for you. Me? I want to give you a congratulations Tony, She's really, Rasha Lena, Shanei, I'm a fucking cousin Rayway, his clip. What? You black, you black. It's true, I am black. Everybody knows her. Oh shit, she is telling everybody what to do.

After 90. Kill Tony, yeah Tony, you may not know this baby But we love you so Kill Tony, that's the show Tell your friends where to go You are super strong That's who the fuck you are And we love you so much I just wanna see

I just wanna show you How much love this year Tonight for your Tony And your starkick Red Man All these years We love you dear And I will your mac covering

Hars, take a look at you Yeah You are not best part. You are the best one. Tony isn't clean. Ain't nobody better than you. Ain't nobody better than you. Get the fuck out.

Oh my god. BAN! Let it go! OOOOOO! OOOOOO! OOOOOO! Get the fuck up! Oh my god, you guys! Get the fuck up! Yeah! Yeah! That is... That is...

Hail, yeah! I'm gonna... Make some fucking noise for Afro-diety, everybody. That is hell yeah, I'm talking about. Make some fucking noise for Afro Ditey, everybody. That is unbelievable. I can't believe she did that song that I wrote for her to do. That is so sweet, Afro Ditey. You're the best. If life was a movie, you're the best part Tony.

Oh my God, Afro Ditey, you are unbelievable. I just love you. You're spirit. I don't know how I'm able to pick them like I do but you are just the coolest fucking lady. That was so sweet. Thank you so much. One more time for Afro Dirty everybody. There she goes. Thank you Afro Dirty. Kilt Tony legend. She came in for this. She hates plowing so she took a bus. God I love her. I love her. I love her. If she was just 40 years younger and 200 less pounds of a dick. 80% less lipstick. Okay, here we go. We're moving along smoothly,

and we are down to what I do believe will be the final bucket pull of the night. You guys are booing that it's the final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for him. It's Noah Davis in everybody. What's going on Austin? Hey, my name is Noah. I like her.

Everybody thinks I'm white. I'm Native American. My tribal name is Little Ditch. But to be fair, I was named as a baby. And I'm a grower. I grew up poor, which was hard. The hardest part about growing up poor is that your taste buds stay poor. Like, I can't eat foods longer than five letters, guys.

I have to eat casserole in its separate ingredients. Guys, vaginas off the table. But pussy's not. And in my friends, they always asked me, Noah, what's the difference between vagina and pussy? Usually the smell, or the daddy issues. That's my time, guys. Thank you so much. All right, Noah Davis, and let's get into it. Hello. Good to see you, Tony. Good to see you, I guess. You have an interesting face. Everything sort of smushed right to the middle, huh? Yeah, yeah. You have a face like one of those little things in McDonald's where you put the coin in and it would like spin around.

Has anyone ever told you that before? No, you're the first, you're the host. Oh, wow. Okay, no. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two and a half months. Two and a half months. From here in Austin?

So I lived in San Antonio. My first time was on the show, two and a half months ago. Oh, half months. You from here in Austin? So I lived in San Antonio. My first time was on the show. Two and a half months ago. Oh, you started on Kilt's Army. How do I not remember that face? I've lost like 15 pounds. Oh, yeah. Okay, that's what's happening.

Yeah, it's something. Thank you. Yeah. 15 pounds and it completely changed your face. This is smaller, I guess. Wow, what are you doing? You just fucking rubbing o'zempick on your face or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, the normal stuff. How do you lose 15 pounds? I eat rice and chicken 14 times a week, actually. Yeah. Wow, yeah, incredible. That's the only thing you and Hans can have in common. What do you do for work Hans Kim have in common.

What do you do for work? I'm in sales. I hate that. I know. What are you selling? Tax solar? Oh Wow, I could tell because you came up here with real fake energy tonight. Yeah I was waiting for you to hit the gas at any point, but the switch was off. Noah, what do you like to do for fun? So I just moved up to Austin. So we try a new restaurant every week. I collect root beer. You what root beer? I collect it.

I collect root beer. You collect root beer? Yeah, what else give us something good Come on, dude. Well for the past 30 days. I've been sending William Montgomery Me doing one additional push up until he lets me open for him So that's that's never going to work. Yeah, I'm getting tired too. My shoulders are at their limit. How many push-ups can you do now? Yeah, I'm getting tired too my shoulders are at their limit. How many pushups can you do now? I brought around 30 to 40 you think you could do 30 or 40 push ups right now 30 push ups right now

30 push up 3 4 5 wait go all the way 7 8 nice slow down 10 11 Swirl go all the way down Noah there you go. That's a fucking pushup right there Twenty-nine thirty-one you for me 40 let's go John these Keeping the white man down It's my dream Tony Incredible special. Thank you. Thank you. You do not look like you could do 40 push-ups Haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha, haha Oh well, working on it. Alright, well, Noah, you have a real creepy vibe to you, you know that.

Oh yeah. How does it feel performing in front of 3,000 people? That's awesome. You ever do anything like this before? Other than Killtony, no. Right. Have you ever been on a stage before? You ever do anything?

So I've been doing the mics around Austin, but no, it's been hard to get time when you're new, you know. So I've been working the mics around Austin but no it's been hard to get it's hard to get time when you're new you know so I've been working on it. What the fuck is this? Is a Viking declaring war on this room right now? What is going on in this joint? This place is chaos. Now a very impressive push-ups. There's a little joke book for you. Put the mic in the mic, Sam. Put it up there. All right. You guys wanted one more bucket pool, so I pulled it. Make some noise for Juanita.

We're all going to begin her together. Juanita. Oh, shit. Here we go. Let's fucking go. We're all gonna begin her together. One, two, three. Oh, shit, here we go. What's smoking go? Smum in it?

All right. So I grew up in Victoria, Texas. And yeah, a lot of math. And I moved from there to San Antonio. And I moved from there to San Antonio, and then when I moved to San Antonio, I went to Alma Heights, and I fucking like, it's a very white part of the town. And I worked at a bar.

Oh, yeah, it's extra white. Bombay Bicycle Club. Really famous for being like part of like a university, Trinity University. They're private, but they're not Catholic. That's kind of disturbing. And, but I worked there whatever and that was years ago. So I went there recently and one of the kids that goes there, there's a lot of kids that go there. He thought I was part of the staff. So this dude, this dude, he, dude comes out to me and he thinks I'm part of the staff and he's like, hey, can I buy you a drink?

I think so right here. All right, all right, all right, I want to eat a... That was a hell of a setup you got there. Holy shit. I was waiting for you to transition into a punchline there about... I can do it if you want me to. What? I can do the punchline if you want.

What's the end of the joke? The whole end of the bit was that I accepted the drink from the dude and then he proceeded to tell me about his first shot and I was like, what was your first shot? Then he goes, my first shot was Malibu and Crystal Light. Okay, I'm going to stop again, because you're still, it's just the setup is continuing. I'm not sure exactly what's going on. Joe Rogan, what do you think about what's happening here?

How many times have you done comedy before? A few times. And San Antonio, a few times in Austin. Were you very nervous before you got up here? Not this nervous, very... No, I mean right tonight, you were very nervous. Oh yeah, I am, I'm very nervous before you got up here? Not this nervous. It's very good. I mean right tonight. You were very nervous. Oh, yeah, I am very nervous. Yeah well You should go watch this

Shim and then like do a lot of editing You can't have you can't set things up that long. Yeah, you know, it's no don't apologize It's a hard road and there's no classes on how to do it. And everybody tries to do it their own way. And it's hard to figure out. Oh, yeah. It's hard to figure out. And everybody has to do it their own way.

But you got to get to the point quicker. You can't have people knowing exactly what you're talking about the entire time you're talking about it. Because then you just keep saying words and you know it's what. And it's only a minute you're right. Absolutely. Tom, you don't need to save money for an operation to cut your material down. You know what I mean?

Tom any point? I will do that. No. Well I'm saying. I would have thought that you would have thought I have a minute. So you know what? I have a minute because at a minute you're like and then you know what I'm saying. I fucked out. Yeah, it's alright.

No, it's alright. You know what? It's actually it's that sometimes like to fail in front of a lot of people. No, I'm a hucktow. That's all right. No, it's all right. You know what? It's actually, it's sometimes like to fail in front of a lot of people. No, I'm serious. It's how you will get better if you like doing this because you are failing in front of a lot of people. And it's not always going to be great, you know. The problem is some people talk like that all the time in their real life.

Yeah. And they don't know it. You were painting too big of a picture. Yeah. So do you all your friends talk like that? Because sometimes do you get around groups of people that talk a certain way? You talk about multiple stuff.

And everybody won't shut the fuck up. And it's just chaos. That makes sense. No, the irony being that I prep for Killtony, so the bits that I do in San Antonio, I try to make them two minutes. If I have four minutes, I try to go shorter, but I was really fucking nervous.

That's probably what it was. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, good on you for admitting it. Let's just talk about it. Come back from this, and if you can't ask your rise from the ashes. I mean, it seems like you have a lot to talk about Juanita. I mean you tell us a little bit about yourself.

Yeah, so I was born in Mexico, I grew up in Victoria. I moved to San Tonya when I was 23. Okay Carmen San Diego, how about something else other than your geographical location? That sounded like a set up to another bitch who was doing right like I took 35 self to get here tonight. I was there next five minutes. Yeah, God. I am well I've followed both of your careers for a very long time. I'm I listen to your mom. What do you do for work Juanita? We all know they're their famous Juanita. Thank you I'm a manager at a restaurant. What restaurant? Ramaldi's in Santonia. Okay piece

Some guy just ordered ranch for some reason It's unbelievable this crowd is around here. They used to forbid ranch because they were like we're new York What's your love life like Juanita? I'm trying to figure out what's going on over there, exactly. Um, it's been mainly boring. The last hiccup I had was really bad. It was a guy who was like, painfully shy. So he was taking forever to like, get to the point. Oh, wow.

How ironic. Oh, my God. That was perfect. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You didn't even notice what you were saying, though. It's amazing how sometimes life lessons are right in front of your face, and you can't get anything from it. You just saw you in front of your face. Anita, that was a hard run.

Where is the bitch? Yeah, it sounds like a match made in heaven. You think? Law and hammer. No, it was so bad, he was so shod. I went through like a kind of sexual assault experience and I was like, you know, that was better than you. You took forever.

That was pretty funny. Yeah, that's not bad. We're finally getting it something. You got through that? Yeah. You set that up legitimately. How you just said that. That's actually a bit that I do.

Oh, well, you should've done that one. Jesus Christ. I should've fucking done that. God damn it. You see it? Just snip, snip, snip. You got to cut it up. Snip have fucking done that. God damn it. You see it? Just snip snip snip. You gotta cut it up. Snip snip snip. Go. Snip snip snip. Let's go. Absolutely.

Juanita, so nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on this show. Here's a little joke book. Can you catch it? Here it comes. I bet you can. I bet you can. Yeah! I like to think it's all about the tops, you know what I mean? By Juanita, make some noise for Juanita, everybody. There she goes. Well, well, well. We've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, where, you know,

We've come to that time ladies and gentlemen where, you know, everyone's in a while, you can just have to put a fucking ribbon on things. And who better than the man who has done more new sets on the show than anybody, more interviews than anybody, more years than anybody. This guy is a superstar, we love him with all of our hearts. You know him. The Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the one, the only William Montgomery. I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more

I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more Okay, shut the fuck up! First of all, y'all know I'll be rejoining the PGA tour. So, to Arabia, just bought the PGA tour. The good news is there's now a ton more money and golf. The bad news, they get to fly planes

into buildings anytime they want. And also, weirdly enough, my Indian name is also Little Dick. So that's weird that guy said that. I'm so homophobic, I don't stick a toothbrush anywhere close to my mouth. Due to the writer's strike, I'm pitching a new television show, storing a fat psychic. It's called large medium. If you want to know a little bit about me at the end of the day, I side with Jesse Smollett. Smollett!

Smollett! I was kidding, I was kidding. Smaller, smaller! I was kidding, I was kidding. I looked like what Jesus would do if the answer was the 12 disciples. Okay. And also, I have something I wrote for this. I just want to say it's been a dream to be a part of over 300 episodes of the greatest live Comedy podcast in the world killed Tony There have been lows namely the quarantine episodes where my drinking and drug use were spiraling totally out of control

Where I was flipping over Hyundai Aluncher is in the parking lot of a Lakitana, Scottsdale, Arizona. And by the way, I killed Tony Chin to stop looking for him. But there have also been highs. I mean, I finally had sex with Red Bay and small last November. You should have seen that open! I got to get Tony one night in the hotel room. And I sent Cracker Barrel Kid 55 a very effective and deadly pipe bomb through the USPS

RIP Ted Kaczynski. It has been a real pleasure being a part of Killtony for the past nearly five years and I just want to say this could have been the best podcast of all time except for red bands bitch ass. I mean how do you have a fucking job? We could have sold out the Astro Dome if it were for your ass. At the end of the day Tony I owe you so much my life wouldn't be the same and red band I know I give you a lot of shit and like to make fun, but the truth is your no doubt hands down a national embarrassment. Truly the worst part of this show and Tony talks about firing you at least once away. Now I can't think I love you, Rebe, okay that's my time. Come on! Oh!

Wow! What a fucking performance! Talk about taking the ball and running within a whole fucking speech! Come on people, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery with a fucking blatant performance of the night, of course, the veteran doing it every week, making it look fresh and new and fucking keeping us on the edge of our seats. First off, dude, stop looking at my dick! But yeah, what Tony, I'm sorry, it's been throwing me off. I'm sorry, it's been throwing me off. Three, two, one. God, you are a force of nature in your element.

Are you wearing that because Liv Gulf and PGA merged this week? Yes, I went to a sex store and I browsed around very awkwardly for a couple hours in the sex store. And this whole ensemble actually cost me $600 fucking dollars, so I don't give a shit no more! And also Tony, they found skin cancer on my neck, so hopefully I can... That wasn't a joke, yeah, so hopefully it'll be alright. Little fun fact, that part's actually not a joke. He was diagnosed with skin cancer this week.

Everybody, how about a hand for William Montgomery? You better sit down, pants, you're not supposed to cheer at them. William, I was not expecting you to prepare something so beautiful as your set was tonight, but we prepared something very special for you. If you want to, if you want to turn around and look at that video screen, let's roll that William Montgomery video. That's William Montgomery and he's coming for everybody's jobs. That guy is a genius. He's like Andy Kaufman meets a fucking Tennessee trucker. He's coming for everybody's going to know who that guy is eventually.

He's literally got like that comedy twitch muscle where he just riffs and it's the dumbest shit and the most glorious shit at the same time. All right, we've had this young man on the show before and at least I believe so. I know for a fact that I met him outside one day and I thought he was interesting as hell and had an unbelievable charisma to him. Very impressive.

I can't tell whether he's a genius or he's crazy. So here he is for you, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery. Yeah! I just spent $30 fucking dollars on the ecstasy. The least you could do is buy the movie tickets. Listen, impression of my uncle in 94 before we went to go see the movie Twister.

I'm grinding away at the open mics. I'll be quite frank. I have this issue with PCP. So half the time I'm at the open mics, the other half the time I'm down in Scottsdale, Arizona with my aunt flipping over Hyundai Alontera's y'all. Oh, what? If you had to guess how many Alontera's you flipped in your life,

like, what would that number be? I don't have to guess how many Elantras you flipped in your life, like, what would that number be? I don't have to guess. It's 14. Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! We met this guy on this show for the first time two weeks ago. He's fucking awesome. I fell in love with him immediately. I think he's one of the ways of the true future Maybe I'm crazy, but maybe I'm right. It is the comedy styleings Second-ever appearance of William Montgomery. I open up this water park outside of Memphis

Wild water and wheels And somebody was going down the slide and and got killed See what I mean I don't give a fuck where he started lying at what part that's fucking comedy You know William has been on the show how many times you think it's been now four or five including San Francisco I would guess five would you be interested in being the new regular here on kill town I would guess five. Would you be interested in being the new regular here on Kill Tony? Yeah! I would love to. Yeah?

Well then ladies and gentlemen, that makes it official. Your new regular is William Montgomery, everybody. Hell yeah! Boom, there you go! Wow, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Wait a second! Wait a second! What is this? What the fuck is going on? Who is this guy? How'd you two meet? It was two years ago. We were with my aunt.

And melting cans. Good. Weirdly enough, last night, I was trying to look at the eclipse. melting, can, those goods. Weirdly enough, last night I was trying to look at the eclipse up in the tree and I rolled off the limb I was on and landed on my neck and heard my neck from that. So I'm single, I'm holding out for a black or an oriental. It is David Lucas. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh my god. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Dayo! Dayo! Dayo! Dayo! Daylight, come and me one, go hope! Dayo!

Do you shut the fuck up? So here we go. Oh, where am I? Shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. So here we go. Oh, where am I? William, what are you going to do with? All the way to the day that I get. I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get to the day that I get I am sick with the virus, God. Please help me tonight. Well, y'all will be excited to know I just got actually sponsored by

Sunmade Raisin Branch. Oh! What's up! Oh, shit! He's throwing out raisin bread. Here we go. He's really whipping it. Shake my hand.

Oh, wow. He's burying the hatchy with her. Ah! Ah! I fucking buzzered him! Oh, wow. He's bur the chair when he flinched. He got red, man. You have come to a magical, magical episode as I introduce to you the Montgomery's, Francis and Larry Montgomery are here.

Live in the flesh. The longest standing regular in the 5th. The longest standing regular in the history of the show, the man who has done the most one-minute sets in the history of the show, this is what he came from. So, welcome to the show, you guys, but we apologize. But, I've really glad to see Red Band. Oh!

Oh! Red Band. Whoa! Yeah! I see it! She had one of these buzzer days on her. First and foremost, mom and papa, I just want to say it was a real pleasure

storming the Capitol with you all last year. We made it all the way inside the Capitol building. Larry, what did you think of this unbelievable performance? I'm going to be perfectly objective and tell you that I was awestruck by his comedic talent. Why? He's fucking around! But when he said it, what did it sound like? Jarrul said that to you. Babe, you're gonna have to stop!

I want to thank you for bringing it up. Thank you. I apologize. I can't put a bring it up. I do it to everyone. So maybe I need to stop. Yeah. But I never go to snow. Oh. Nice catch, bitch. Holy shit.

Ha, ha, ha. Red band is so old. I asked him if I should join the union and he said no, join the Confederates. You wrote a song, does it have any words? I don't know. Yeah. Hey, you gotta die guys. A sweet little dog. Woohoo! Yesterday. Yesterday.

Yesterday. I got a sweet little dog. Yesterday. Yes, everybody. I got a sweet little dog. I guess we're gonna turn. That sweet little dog For God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for God's sake, for Hear the present, him, with his award, makes the noise for his parents, Larry and Francis Montgomery. Yeah, baby. Sing it if you know it.

Yes, Stern day. Yes, door day. Yes, door day. Everybody. We love it. Larry, Francis, William, Larry, it's your son, is there anything you'd like to say? He's wiping it off, he's getting William's churms off of it. Sorry I did that, I just didn't want to catch whatever the hell it is, Jared Nathan has. I forgot to mention Larry and Francis were voted guests of the year 2022. Williams parents ended up beating everybody out somehow. Tony, congratulations to you and Red Band for crushing it for 10 years.

Seriously. Thank you. And one more thing I want to get serious for a second. Williams' mother and I are so proud of William for performing in front of 3,000 people. Thank you. We're so proud of him performing in front of 3,000 people live in millions on the live stream and Coming out here looking like a fucking retarded sex pervert. I do not look like a sex pervert, Papa! William, you are a star. We saw Hans is dealing with being challenged regularly for his

Regularship we saw David Lucas retire with dignity able to do spots anytime He wants you're the second ever inducted Hall of Fame member of the Killtony universe All right, are you are you also planning on retiring? are you gonna keep performing every week? Tony, I never go stop! You don't want to ever go stop! The blood you ask of me, that's all! Thank you, Tony. Well, you know Larry said he was so proud of you for performing in front of 3,000 people. Why don't you put the mic in the mic stand and you three stand over there in front of

the drums or Paul Deamer over there and watch this video along with all of us. This is the last thing we're going to present to you. It's the only ad of the night everybody. I think you might enjoy it. Here it is. Your final little piece of production. This is the Tony Hinch clip pilot podcast. So this is when you figure out what you want this to be.

I have to decide right now. No, by next Monday. By next Monday. Oh, okay. I gotcha. So you guys might witness history at some point. For those of you that have been waiting for us to go on the road, get back on the road like we were doing pre-pandemic It's simply not happening. We're staying in Austin, Texas If you want to see a show you have to come to Austin, Texas

Those of you complaining about not being able to get tickets Well now you have a chance because there's thousands on sale right now as we do the H.E.B. Center on New Year's Eve. Dude, that is fucking unbelievable. He's doing this podcast in an arena on New Year's Eve. Congratulations. That's fucking amazing. Thank you so much. We started this in the belly room of the comedy store with 12 people in there. Nine of them signed up for the show. The General Manager's parents, and some random person, where the other three normal humans, and now we are doing that.

So if you want to get tickets, you have to come to Austin, Texas. You can plan a whole trip around, and we have better food and music than you have wherever you live anyway, so you might as well come visit. We're trying to change the economy in here little bit. Uh, and, uh, that's about it. Uh, guys, I want to give a special shout out to, uh, a couple of the producers. Make some noise for Yoni and Christy out there. They made so many of these video packages.

McVader, the graphics guy, all the people here at ACL. The drawing from Ryan Jay E. Belt is in live. Came all the way from LA for this. He's drawn hundreds and hundreds of episodes. That's gonna pop up on the screen. The drawing from Chris Rogers, local artist is in. K. Os. Look, that's amazing.

You guys are freaks of nature. Unbelievable, all the different types of art that fucking come together here on this show. How about one more time for the band-matte muleing on guitar. John Dees on the keys. Paul Deemer on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And Demandis on the bass guitar. Guys, how long can this place get for

Tom Siger and Joe Rogan? Come on! The backbone of the show is our ability to and our lot of having some of the best comedians on the planet earth. Join us and legitimize what we're doing here.

We love helping people and fucking push them to the moon making stars. Shout out to Aaron Baleil, Golden Take a winner who couldn't be here because he's literally crushing A.G.T. right now. I don't know if you guys saw that, but America's got talent, watches Kill Tony to find their comedic talent now. Very fucking surreal. 10 years, we love you guys red band. Thank you guys so much seriously. I can't wait to see what's next Love you Austin Texas you're the fucking fast. We love you so much. Thank you guys tonight everybody. Thank you Music Thank you guys so much everybody! It's a thing after party, the sunset strip comedy club, a twok and roll. See you guys out on the streets tonight.

I love you. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

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